#i am ready to be emotionally destroyed once again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bronx-bomber87 · 8 months ago

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Happy Wednesday lovely Fandom :) Phew lord we’ve reached the eps I’ve only watched once. Because I was far too destroyed to watch them again. Knew my second time around would be my rewatch. I’m not ready emotionally. Will I ever be though? lol If we don't laugh we cry right? Ha Anyways I’m on a strict timetable before I move. So press forward I must. Sad at the lack of gifs in this one. But also understandable since we were all anxious af after this one. I am excited to do Tim analysis though. I always enjoy that.

Also pre-shout out to Eric and Melissa in this one. They never cease to amaze me with their acting chops and chemistry. Eric really kills me in this one in particular. Let us begin the slow breaking of our shipper hearts shall we? Also thank you to my readers for going through this with me. Once was hard enough. But revisiting isn’t any easier so thank you for coming with me on this journey. Off we go.

6x05 The Vow

We get our couple immediately after the cold open. I knew going into this ep it was going to be angsty. I just had no idea why or how bad it would be…It’s date night for our beautiful pair. I just love them constantly dating each other. Makes my soul so damn happy. I can’t put it into words well enough. We get ship crack in this opening sequence for sure though. The way they light up when they see one another. That never gets old. Lucy is lighting candles when her man enters in.

Tim couldn’t be any cuter just as happy for date night as she is. Looks like he’s carrying quite a bit into her apt. Lucy instantly notices his present for her. Tim continues with the cuteness and says yes and the beer is for him. This is so domestic I wanna die. This moment started off so precious I knew he we were in for a world hurt tbh. This scene was the calm before the storm.

Tim is not wasting any time getting a thank you kiss in. Lucy is lit up like a Christmas tree as she leans in for said kiss. I adore the smiles going into it. Making my shipper heart giddy af. Also his grip on her arm. Drawing her in nice and close. It’s doing things to me as they melt into each other. Lucy’s questioning face cracks me up as she pulls back. Tim picking up on it right away. Asking her 'What?' With so much sass I’m cackling. How he has grown in his sass heh

Lucy can’t help but note gift giving isn’t his normal love language. Fact that they’re talking about love languages has me reeling so much. It’s just so cute. I'm squeeing at how friggin precious and domestic this is. Tim challenges her back. Asking what is his love language then? Their banter right here is one of their love languages let's be honest LOL Always top tier with some flirtation mixed in for good measure.

Lucy being cute as all hell replies ‘Terse nods mainly.’ I mean she isn’t wrong haha There have been some wonderful sets about this line. Man sure does love his terse nods. For her especially. Mainly her really. Tim continues his trajectory towards adorable with his reply. Letting her know he’s trying to change things up.

The smile on that man’s face. Oh my word. I said this a lot in S5 and I’ll say it again. Have we ever seen this man so damn happy before her? The answer is a sharp no. Not ever. She is the absolute joy in his life. It just radiates out of him when they’re together. Especially when they’re bantering. Ugh my heart. These two kill me in the best way.

Lucy then turns into an adorable little bean herself. Asking Tim if she can open it now? She is so excited about this impromptu gift. No way she can wait through their dinner to open it. Tim say of course she can. I’m sure he was hoping she would open it right away. Especially with the thought he put into it. Also well done on the wrapping good sir.

Lucy’s reaction is delightful. It reminds me of the way she reacted in 6x03 with her trophy. Blown away by this man’s thoughtfulness. Not only that but making her laugh in the process as well. We get a second in love 'Lucy smile' in the second gif. He is so gone for her. Man they were really setting us up for a fall with the goodies they packed into this scene.

I love how Tim locks eyes with her and is beaming ear to ear. No one makes him smile like that except Lucy. Legit the sunshine in this man’s life. I can’t get over how damn happy he looks. My heart might implode at how happy he is. Happiness looks so good on him. Also how proud he looks as well at his choice in gift. Patting himself on the back for it hehe

We see it’s her KIA radio in a display case. Lucy looking at him like he’s hung the moon and stars. Bringing out her own in love 'Tim smile.' She too is beaming right back. Heart eyes paired with that joyful smile. Tim for this moment (not the rest of this ep) is once again 10/10 for her. Commemorating her takedown of Jeff Budny. Saw an excellent parallel between this and 2x12. About Tim giving back things that saved her life for him. My damn heart. I’m fine….

Tim continues on to say it was to memorialize the radio that saved her life. So grateful to that radio for taking the hit it did. I remember thinking how that radio represented her communication problems. Little did I know it would soon represent Tim’s as well. The irony of this gift will hit us painfully hard later in this episode. Having watched rest of the season as well it represents their’s as a couple too. *sigh*

Anyways we get a SECOND kiss in this moment. That’s how I knew it was coming like a freight train at us. We got cuteness, flirtation, banter and two kisses in one scene. They were setting us up for a very hurtful fall. They just look like two happy idiots in love. *dreamy sigh* I wanna die it’s so precious. They fall back into each other for this second kiss.

The look in Lucy’s eyes ready to thank him for this radio. Not with dinner but some sexy times. That kiss before it’s interrupted looked like it was headed for the bedroom. Dinner be damned at that point. The way Tim is leaning heavily into that kiss too. Ready to go in for more. His patented first kiss need an immediate second one well underway. Phew lord. He was more than ready to receive that thanks LOL

Sadly Tamara steps through the door. Doing what she does best. Be a wet blanket for their bedroom endeavors. I love her anyways though haha She instantly apologizes saying she forgot it was date night. Tim sighs as they pull apart and Lucy goes into mom mode after she hits Tim. haha It’s so cute. Little damn family up in here.

Tamara says she can hide in her room. Lucy replies that’s not necessary. That she can make a plate for her room if she’d like though. Then the scene takes a giant shift in tone. Tim receives the phone call that ruins our entire shipper lives. It sounds dramatic but it’s really not…Tim’s whole demeanor changes. Lucy is crazy intuitive to it. Her internal Tim radar going haywire. The tight way he replies and says he has to go.

Lucy wanting follow up questions. It’s the way she says. ‘Just wait.’ Not wanting him to go. *heart clutch* The sheer panic and worry developing in her soul and in ours. That gnawing unsettling feeling we feel through out the rest of the episode. Breaks my heart. She clearly spent the whole day waiting to be with him for their date night. Only to have him taken away with no answers. Lucy looks SHOOK as her entire heart walks out the door. It's written all over her face. His abrupt departure filling her with questions and worry. So it begins…

We see Tim pull up in his truck to the pre-arranged spot. A man comes out of his own car and enters in. I was on pins and needles waiting to see wtf this was about. Who the man was. Why he had the power to make Tim, basically run from date night with his girl. I knew in the back of my mind had to be his military past. Only thing I could think of to make him spook like this.

They shake hands when he gets into the truck. He thanks Tim for coming. Our boy replies he didn’t have a choice. If Ray is alive they have a big problem. The intrigue meter continued to grow. Who was this Ray? What problem did he present to them both? Tim looks like he’s seen a ghost when he’s shown Ray’s photo. He was supposed to have died in an air strike….He's been working as a gun for hire and came into LAX the day before.

Tim asks why he would come to L.A? Apparently his mom is dying of cancer. That’s who they’re staking out. It’s here we find out what the vow is. And it’s not a good one….Tim is not onboard for honoring this pact they made. To kill Ray if he ever resurfaced. To pay him back for the friends he killed. We see the conflict on Tim's face. How he doesn’t know how he’s gonna tackle this. Eric killing me softly early on in this one. His eyes alone scream so much emotion.

We see Lucy unable to sleep. In what I can only assume is Tim’s shirt. I think Melissa confirmed it was and thanked the fans for their keen eye. It’s the little things we love so much. Lucy is clearly missing him. So naturally she sleeps in a shirt of his. Also her DOD ring and her necklace are in plain view as well. Killing me softly. She can’t sleep because he’s supposed to be next to her. His consistent calming presence is missing and she can’t relax enough to rest.

Their date night was supposed to end with him asleep by her side. Not this. We can see the anxiety just seeping out of her. Don’t blame her one bit. No one knows that man better than her. From the second he took that phone call she knew. Deep in her gut that not only was something off but very very wrong. Her whole being emanating unease and concern. I feel you Lucy. The rapport and connection they’ve built over last 5 seasons coming in hot here.

Lucy looks sick to her stomach and it makes me wanna cry. The hurts so good is ever present in this scene. She is missing him and crazy worried. Her rampant anxiety is not letting her rest. My guess is other than 6x01 they’ve scarcely spent a night apart. The way he took off is scaring the shit out of her with good reason. So she tries to quell it with a phone call. Sadly she gets his VM. Her message to him makes my stomach sink more. Lucy is used to being his go to. She was left in the cold and her stress level is rising due to it.

Tim watches her call and VM come in. He looks pained at not being able to answer it. It’s the way he sighs and closes his eyes. It’s killing him to keep her at a distance. Eric out here trying to murder my feels with his superb acting. This truly begins the immense breakdown that is their communication. Lucy showed her hand at it before this ep in 6x04. Now it’s Tim’s turn at it. We had indications of it but s6 showed us how glaring it is. The cracks in their foundation were there. We just didn't want to see it. These are the issues Eric wanted to tackle.

Honestly when we're on the other side of this I'll be real grateful for it. Till then this just hurts. Now Tim’s communication probs are particularly glaring in these in this ep and the next. Pains me to write it but our boy has serious issues with stuff like this. You know he knows she is at home worried sick. That’s why he looks so pained. Tim knows her just as well as she does him. Very aware she is panicked and worried about where he is. If he’s ok. Absolutely killing him to keep her in the dark. To Tim right now he think's despite that it's the right call.

This is Tim Bradford so he thinks he’s doing it to protect her. To keep her from his dark past affecting her. If he distances himself and handles it solo it’ll be ok. Because he doesn’t need help. Wants shoulder this alone. Oh Timothy, my love you are so wrong. It pains me how wrong you are. His childhood issues screaming out in this decision. Which we will get into. That gif of Captain Holt's ‘Paaaaiiiin’ gif is fitting right here. *sad sigh*

Greer rejoins Tim in the truck with his recon. Tim is clearly uncomfortable with this whole thing. Weighing so many things at the moment. What he has to lose with any action they do. His soul is already so heavy with the past. It pains me to watch this. Tim is trying so hard to talk Mark out of this. Asking what they’re really going to do? What the point of all this really is? Noting them even talking about this is criminal conspiracy. Greer gas lights Tim this entire episode and I do not appreciate it.

Saying he can’t believe the ‘Reaper.’ is going soft on him. He is softer because of a wonderful woman named Lucy Chen. He’s in love with a person who is beautiful inside and out. One who has changed him so much. So yeah he’s softer now Greer. Also the first time I heard that nickname it made me fan myself. Is that wrong? lmao Idk if it is but I found it insanely attractive. I probably shouldn’t haha But here we are. With me still finding that service nickname sexy. I am who I am. Tim says he isn’t soft. He’s only thinking of what’s at risk here.

They can’t be committing murder, because of a pact that was made years and years ago. I love Tim’s line about they made it in the anger and fog of war. No doubt, with his nickname alone, we can see how angry Tim was going into the service. How could he not be? He came from a household where his emotions were suppressed heavily. So there is zero doubt in my mind he went into the service full of anger. Not only angry but loyal af as we know. That combination alone would result in this pact/vow being made.

Tim is almost reflecting on how much he has grown since that moment in time. There was a lot of talk about the ways Tim hasn’t changed following this episode. Hell even inside this ep with him keeping Lucy at bay. But he has. He changed so very much since Lucy came into his life. It’s why he brings up the lives they’ve built. The life he is currently building with his soulmate. The jobs they hold.

That angry young man doesn’t exist anymore. The one who would murder for his squad in retaliation. Now Tim still has that instinct in him. Don’t get me wrong; scorched earth for those who mess with his loved ones. But this? This situation puts the life he’s built at risk. Puts the love of his life at risk within the department. Unfortunately Tim is still loyal af and Greer uses that against him.

Gas lights him some more. Saying how they’ll never get to build lives because of Ray. Pulling on that thread of guilt that lives deep inside Tim's soul. Trying to reawaken a man that is long gone at this point. But is still loyal to a fault. Weighed down with enough tortured guilt to keep this going. I resent Mark for using it against him I really do. Friggin stunard...My Italian rage coming out for Greer.

It’s here we find out more about what went down between them all. Not only that but WHY him being around is such a damn problem for Tim/Mark. I would be remiss if I didn't note this. How much I am enjoying Tim in street clothes. Mmm nice and scruffy too. He is scruffy most of this season and I am here for it. He looks so good in that jacket it’s sinful. How can he make such a simple jacket so attractive? Yum. Ray asks what they’re doing here? Greer pipes in to bring him to justice. He asks for what?

Tim starts to list off the numerous reasons why. Going AWOL, faking his death, felony grand theft, stealing half million from the government. Just to name a few sweet lord… Then to top it off, he called in an air strike on his own guys when they came for him. Ugh. Real peach this one. That there wasn’t enough of Henderson and Coyle to fit in a shoe box….ooof. It’s here we find out what Ray has on them. That he read the after action report. That it didn’t read that way. Tim justifies it by saying it only reads that way so his wife and daughter got his death benefits.

Of course that’s the most Tim Bradford thing ever. ‘Some things matter more.’ Only breaking the rules if it’s for the greater good. We talk a lot about Lucy’s empathy but don’t sleep on Tim’s. It runs very very deep. This is proof it was a huge part of him before the Isabel trauma buried it and Lucy resurrected it. That being said this doesn’t look good at all for Tim. By bringing Ray in it endangers their service record and their current jobs. Because as kind as what they did was. It has consequences because they lied on an official government document. My stomach turned even farther with this scene.

Eric KILLS me in this portion. This man has no right making me this emotional. How has he not won any awards? His beautiful shimmering blue eyes cutting me deep. Eric is so expressive in just his eyes alone. But he gives this scene everything he’s got in his arsenal my god. They get away from Ray’s to talk. Tim immediately says they’re not killing him. It’s not happening. (Someone needs to capture this scene in gif form BTW) It's a crime there isn't one. Mark tries to appeal he’s dead anyways.

Tim won’t hear of it. Says it won’t matter when the nightmares come knocking. And we know he’s had those nightmares. Not just about the service but about 5x19. About the life he was forced to take. Tim says they need to just come clean about everything. They don’t have a choice. Greer fights him some more. Saying it’s just going to blow up their lives as a result. Tim tells him he won’t let that happen. He’ll take the fall for him. Ugh Tim no. You have a life that’ll get blown up too my love. A woman who would be devastated to watch this take you down.

There's a Lyric from a band I love. "A thousand scars betray me Oh, what's another one?" That is Tim in this moment. What's one more emotional scar? Better than Greer losing his life because of what he chose. Tim's integrity is one of my fav traits about him. It’s the one I relate to the most. Because I am the same way. It drives a lot of my decisions. He's so willing to fall on his sword because he bears the weight of that decision still. Mark pleads some more but Tim won’t have it. Says he can’t with tears in his eyes. (I'm fine....) He is not that hot headed young man anymore. Life has kicked him around and he’s seen things. This isn’t the path and he won’t let Greer take it.

Tim follows up with he won’t let him do it. Even if it’s without him. It’s here where Eric just rips my heart out with his performance. When Mark asks him if he would arrest him if he killed Ray? It’s the way his voice breaks. Tears threatening to fall when he chokes out ‘Yes.’ Rip my heart right out writers sweet lord. Greer says he’s out then. But I wanna deck him for his reply after that. He hangs all future crimes Ray does on Tim. I don’t curse very often in these. But how fucking dare you sir. How dare you put that on this man.

He is already riddled with so much guilt and shame. His soul is ten times heavier than it should be. Because Tim shoulders things deeply. Not only that he does it solo. A chunk of what weighs his soul down isn’t even his fault. Tim is a much deeper empath than he’s given credit for as I stated earlier. He absorbs the feelings and pain of those around him. Takes them in and never lets it go. It’s why he was and honestly still is so rigid as a cop. That iconic line ‘Rules matter boot.’ Was his PTSD in a line and we had no idea back in S2.

Because anytime this man has let his guard down to break the rules it’s hurt him. Mitch, Isabel and we now find out about this. Tim did the right thing and yet he’s paying the price not Ray. It’s the hitch in his breath as Mark takes off that’s the final emotional blow for me. I just want to hug him so much. The way he tries to catch his breath after he’s gone. Finally releasing all the emotions he was bottling up. You can see why he was wants to retreat to one person who will make him feel whole again. It’s why his next scene is with Lucy….

This scene we get to see Melissa shine along side Eric. Killing us softly with their angsty goodness. We watch the sheer amount of relief run across Lucy’s face. It's evident when she hears his keys in the door. The happy relief is fleeting though. Her opening line is salty af as it should be. ‘Oh good, you’re not dead.’ She is ready to rip into him and rightfully so. Hurts to watch but she has every damn right to. She kept it together for work. But now that he’s in front of her she doesn’t have to. Her sass turns into the anxiety and worry she’s gone through. Telling him that his sorry isn't good enough. (it’s not…)

Saying she spent the last THIRTY-SIX hours. (That's a day and a half Timothy...) Worried he was bleeding out in various landmarks all over the city. Ugh poor Lucy. That’s very taxing on your nervous system to be in that state of mind for that long. That’s way too long to go without communication. But this is pre-therapy Tim so...Communication isn’t his strong suit when he isn’t in fight or flight mode. One of my fav lines of the scene. ‘Telling me you’re alive is NOT optional.’ Hell no it's not. The hitch in her voice and tears in her eyes. Gah killing it Mel.

Trying to communicate clearly to him this behavior isn’t going to fly. Not ever. Rewatching this season, it pains me how many hints the writers gave us about their communication problems. Now Lucy is trying here. With telling him what he did was not ok in the least. She then asks what the hell is making him so crazy? Expecting him to tell her. Tim’s reply is vague and only serves to make her angrier. Especially when he says he’s doing it to protect her status at the station. She asks if he committed a crime?

The irony of this scene is that radio being prominently shown. How it was a happy thing 36 hours ago. Now it’s a symbol of their dysfunctional communication as a couple. Tim tells her no…Not technically. The fire continues to build in Lucy. Angrily retorting how it’s serious enough she could be disciplined for not reporting it then. Tim tries to do his protection line for her but it doesn’t land at all. The fire in her is raging at this point. She stands up and angrily asks what he’s doing here then? Tim is so taken aback by this. His reply breaks my heart. Stumbling over himself ‘I...I came to see you…’

To Tim it’s his default to go to her. When he’s upset or lost he goes to Lucy. Seeking her out like the sanctuary she’s always been for him. Has been for years. Even more so since they got together. Tim came to be near his comforter and happy place. Wanting her to envelop him in her arms and take his hurt away. Unfortunately my love, she can’t help or take away what she doesn’t know about. It’s why her hellfire continues on. Lucy absolutely obliterates him with her reply. 'To what? Order take in? Watch TV? Pretend like nothing is going on?' Tim so desperately wants to sink into solace he’s used to. But he won’t let himself tell her what's going on.

Thus denying himself the one thing he came here for. Her. Lucy (who is wearing the same blouse from 5x12 btw. Way to push the knife deeper writers) tells him if he’s not here to tell her to truth.... We pan back to Tim’s face. She can read him like a book and knows he’s not going to. She then tells him he’s needs to leave. My heart is on the floor at this point. I totally understand her drawing this boundary. I truly do. Lucy is trying to show him there are consequences to his actions. Holding him accountable. That he needs to communicate and trust her. Lucy wants him to see despite the ramifications she is there for him. Sadly Tim doesn’t see this hence her asking him to leave. My poor shipper heart.

To make matters worse Eric is personally attacking me with his teary eyes and hurt puppy dog expression. Had to get this gif in. Why? Because it beautifully captures the devastation of her sending him away. We haven’t seen him this visibly upset since 4x09. Except this time his person isn’t there to make his tears go away. She is the one causing them and sending him away. The range of emotions flitting across his face has me bawling my eyes out. The man deserves all the awards once again. The way his eyes convey so much. How utterly wrecked he is. It's written all over his expression.

Eric brought it so hard in this episode holy hell. Tim came to her seeking out the comfort of normalcy from her. As we all know our boy needs his routine and structure to stay sane. Lucy has become an intricate part of that. He sought out his girlfriend to stabilize himself. Sadly there was no comfort to be found for him. Gotta give to get my poor broken boy. As much as it’s frustrating to watch him do this I get it. As I said earlier he has the tendency to shoulder burdens alone. It’s how he has survived most of his life. Doesn't excuse it just explains it.

His childhood is a massive proponent of why he operates this way. He came from an abusive household as we all know. Where he had to turn off his emotions and learn not to ask for help. If he did it only served to further the abuse. Also it was looked upon as weak. Was seen as useless if you did. When that is ingrained in you at an early age it is so friggin hard to get rid of it. It's an instant default for him. It’s not something being loved properly just gets rid of. If anything it only makes it worse on some level. Because it means you something to lose as Tim does in Lucy.

To explain Tim’s side of it I need to give a little piece of me. I can relate because of what my mother did to me growing up. It’s something I fight to this very day. I hope one day it’ll be easier and less of a deep grove in my brain I go to. Most of my childhood as I’ve shared was full of emotional abuse. My mom didn’t like it if you spoke your mind or messed up in any way. If you did you got the silent treatment for weeks on end. I wish I was kidding. She once went three weeks without speaking to me as a kid. Pretending like I didn’t exist. Felt like I didn’t have a mother. As I got older her default punishment only got worse. When I went to college my baby sister got engaged couple years in.

To a wonderful man. They're still married and happy btw. But my mother could see herself losing her control over my sister. Told me to pick between her and my baby sister. The choice was easy. I picked my sister. She then abandoned me and didn’t speak to me for 18 months after that. Her doing that made me feel like, whenever I stand up for myself or make a mistake with someone I love, I’m going to be abandoned. I just recently got into a fight with said sister. I had that exact same panic after I stood up for myself thinking she was going to discard me. She has proven time and again that’s not true. It’ll never be true. My sister and her husband have always made room for me in their lives here in CO. Made me feel loved unconditionally.

The same will be true when I join them in TN when I move. And yet that deep ingrained thought that she would abandon me still appeared. Worried that because I had stood up for myself she would do what my mom did. She didn’t cause loves me. But I’m still not used to the idea of unconditional love. It’s hard to grasp when you’ve never really had it before. So this is where I related to Tim so hard and defaulting to doing this alone. I’m in my 30s and this still affects me deeply even with therapy. Tim is pre-therapy and not seeing the unconditional love Lucy has for him. Which is a precursor for 6x06 honestly. You could have the best human in the world loving you and still not accept it or understand that you even have it.

Tim doesn’t know how to ask for help and to see Lucy would love him through his mistakes. He’s protecting her but also himself in this moment. Because he’s ashamed of what he’s involved in. That she won’t love him anymore due to his past sins. So he’s keeping her at a distance from him. Thinking it’s protecting her from his toxic past. But also protecting him from losing her as well. This scene, sadly, is the result of many miscommunications since they started boiling up and over. A gradual escalation toward breaking apart. This was a incredibly hard scene to stomach and watch. Lucy is vibrating with how upset she is when he says ‘Understood’ and leaves. Un-break my heart you guys.

Another banger of a song running through this final scene. The songs always hit and work so well with the tempo of a scene. It’s ’Teeth.’ By mallrat. Have a whole playlist of songs from this show I love it. We see Lucy looking at her phone fighting the urge to call Tim. Despite their epic fight she misses him. It clearly shows. Tamara brings her out of her thoughts by plopping on the couch. Asking her what she's doing?I adore her saying she is going to be a good girlfriend. Trust her man. *heart damn clutch* HER MAN. It’s the little morsel we all needed after that heated argument of insane pain.

I am most grateful for Tamara in this moment. Wanted to shove her out the door in the opening scene though. LOL Nolan is such a failure to be there for Lucy earlier in the ep. Where as Tamara is clutch af in this moment. She is emotional support while Lucy goes through this. Talks it out with her. Tamara asks if she’s heard anything? Lucy tells her about their heated fight last night. That it’s been their only contact….That Tim just stood there. Lucy seems so at a loss and it hurts my heart.

Tamara makes her laugh and says they should put a tracker in his truck lmao Lucy calling her out for being a bad influence. Tamara follows up that No, she’s just a really good teacher. Lucy is floored replying what? Wasn't able to fit this in but her lessons learned are hilarious. No coffee in gun hand and head on a swivel. The swivel part had me laughing so hard. What a goober. I love them. Just the levity Lucy needed. I need more of them in S7.

We pan back to Tim in his truck. Longingly looking at his phone. Specifically at Lucy’s contact page. He is breaking on the inside without her and yet can’t force himself to let her in. Also would’ve killed me if it had a pic of Lucy or of them. I would’ve legit died of happiness. What a missed opportunity writers. He is missing her so much and is dying to reach out. Wants her by his side but can’t overcome his wiring to do so.

His default is to go to her. To talk to her. Once again just another look into their broken communication. When one stops so does the other and it goes to shit. They are partners in every sense of the word except for their communication. They were stellar at that with work. It blows my mind how quickly that broke down when they got together. They had something extra special to lose when they did though. *sigh* s7 you have work to do.

We see Tim refocus his sights on Ray. Tasked with the mantle Mark Greer thrust upon him. He’s now on a crusade to catch him before Tim has anything else to add to his soul…. Phew this was an emotionally draining one to get though and it’s not even the harder of two. Phew lord. Thank you to every single one of you reading these, liking them, reblogging or commenting (love me some comments don’t be shy) they mean the world to me. I shall see you all in 6x06 where can sob together. ❤️

Side notes-non chenford

All the Aaron and Blair scenes are so icky knowing her endstory. Bleh.

Beauty of rewatching I can skip all the Nolan content. Snoozeville again.

Smitty only hanging out in therapy office for snacks lmao Needed in a tense episode

Lucy’s crack about asking Celina To Aaron. Lmao. Commend our girl for cracking jokes and keeping her shit together on shift.

Nolan is absolutely useless when Lucy comes to him for help. Their friendship truly fell apart when Jackson died. Any rapport or connection shot to hell. He can’t read the utter panic she is in and I hate him for it. As useful as a paper hat in a rainstorm to keep you dry.

Also the lyrics used earlier from my fav bad RED. The lyrics ARE TIM. In this episode to a tee Here's the link https://genius.com/Red-cauterize-lyrics

43 notes · View notes

silversdragonemporium · 10 months ago

Note

Post Silver Snow in which Dimitri survived… They are doing their best to reconstruct everything that was destroyed in the war and both are plagued with survivor guilt.

Byleth took Dimitri as her prince consort for political reasons. Faerghus is happy he survived and his blood will go on into the new royal family.

They are now trying to have her first heir but both are falling apart at the seams because they are dumbasses who cannot communicate and are trying to pretend the almost every day baby making is for Fodlan when they are stupidly in love and way too horny about each other to properly function in society.

Also they are actively falling in love with each other even more every day now that they live together and actively participate in projects and ideas for reconstruction that made them see the other with the same feeling of hope, love and wonder of a 4 year old who just discovered his first favorite dinosaur.

Silver Snow can be hopeful if you squint really hard and lowkey forget how to read….

Yeah - I am still in denial and crying.

Anon I’m so sorry I didn’t respond right away! I wanted to give it a proper response… And then I goldfish-brain’d with it. But I’m back and ready to answer!

Honestly, having him just appear out of NOWHERE in SS is so sad… and unexpected! Sure, we rescue Claude in AM and Edie has the “I wanted to walk with you :(“ scene in VW which is just straight up lifted from SS but let’s not think too much about it but Dimitri is the only one that we got told “he super died” and then we see him. It’s so odd, and so interesting… but really freaking sad.

SO ANYWAY yes, I can see Byleth, new divine monarch of the entire continent, taking up a spouse with a claim over part of the territory. It helps de-ruffle the feathers of the nobility by giving more legitimacy to her line. So on paper, it sounds great!

However, I can see how much they both could struggle with intimacy once married. (Like. Emotional intimacy, they absolutely do not struggle to get to the actual boning.). Pre-Gronder Dimitri’s problems with intimacy are pretty obvious (bucketloads of survivor’s guilt, complicated grief, hallucinations, his maternal figure was emotionally distant, etc.) but Byleth has the combo-wombo of “my class leader was in cahoots with the jerks that killed my dad and I didn’t notice until it was too late”, “I had to kill my class leader with my own hands”, “I had to kill the person that gave me a home because she went berserk-dragon-mode” and “to me, my father died like a year ago”.

I’m not necessarily saying that Byleth would revert back to “Ashen Demon :^|” mode, but I can see how she would at first try to approach the marriage as a purely practical arrangement(which it started as) but then feel guilty that she might’ve kinda-sorta indirectly strong-armed Dimitri into becoming her spouse? Since, she is the savior of Fódlan and that title does carry some clout, especially when compared to Dimitri who has no mayor military accomplishments in the war under his belt apart from almost getting killed om the 3-way battle that was Gronder Field.

On the other hand, when Dimitri is in a bad place mentally we already know that he just shuts everybody else out and only listens to what his ghosts say. So you can imagine what the disembodied chorus of ghosts have to say about the arrangement and how it would feed into the “has no right to happiness” feeling he seems to fall back on (aka the kind of thinking that’d make a dude say “yeah I’ll be happy when I die and my subjects are happy” with no irony at all).

They could start off in “super denial” mode, then having the “oh no I like-like them” and stopping by the “it’s foolish to assume that the other like-likes me” spot before reaching, “I will do anything for their happiness so I’ll support their pet reconstruction projects to make them happy”-ville before finally arriving to “wait they like-like me too!?!!?!” destination.

Thank you so much for the ask, Nonnie! Sorry again for taking so long, but better late than never, eh?

#littledragon #queryresponded #silvercoldbrew #dimileth #byleth eisner #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd

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aki-draws-things · 2 years ago

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Hey! Saw that you wanted to write so I thought I’d pass along a few ideas I hadn’t gotten around to writing yet-

Ron’s experience to the first time Chris does something dangerous while firefighting. I’m thinking Chris went back for a kid but got trapped. Emotionally destroy Ron accordingly please and thank youuu.

Discretely destroyed, chris is mostly fine, Ron is not.

Mav is a bit too nice to Ron.

Ron knew fear.

Hell, he was a fighter pilot. His best friend was Thomas Jacob Kazansky. His other best friend used to be Goose, once upon an academy. He surely knew what fear was, thank you not so very much.

When Chris' captain called he thought he would fucking die. Straight-up fucking drop on the floor and die right here and there. It doesn't help that he's out with the boys. A nice catch-up one time when Hollywood and Wolfman were around to meet with them, they arrived home something like 10 minutes before.

"Slider? Jesus, man, are you okay? Do you need to... I don't know... sit down?"

"I'd say lay down, Wolf. He looks ready to topple over."

Yeah, that's exactly what Ron felt at that moment.

"Ron?"

Tom's voice was a lifeline. Ron blinked, God he felt-- oh... oh lord. Oh good fucking lord who forsake this world---

"Talk to me, Ronnie."

He couldn't talk, his mouth refused to work, his throat closed up, his brain ran and ran and ran. He dropped the phone, staggered back, blinked again, and his legs hit the couch.

What--?

Oh, arms around his shoulders, Tom standing in front of him, his lips moving, he couldn't hear him.

"Get him to sit. I'll grab some water."

"Does anyone know who just called? Guys, that doesn't look good."

A cold glass pressed against his lips.

"Just a sip or two, Slider, come on, for me?" Mav inclined the glass, wetting Ron's lips. It took a bit more coaxing before he managed to gulp down some water.

"Ron..."

"Chris."

He blinked again, he felt lightheaded now, and so damn tired.

"What about him? Do I have to call the station?" Tom hesitated a moment, he swallowed, his hands on Ron's face. "Am I not enough? Tell me what to do, guide me through."

Ron leaned against him, his finger grasping at Tom's shirt, his other hand found Mav's.

"Was Chris' captain. Said Chris got hurt. He's at the hospital."

Fuck. Fuck fuck. Fuuuuuck.

Was that what Chris felt all the time he got injured in the most stupid ways? Or when it happened while flying? Was that what Tom felt, too? That terrifying sense of helplessness? Oh, he owed them an apology, a very big apology. The biggest ever. Perhaps with a gift, too. A dinner.

"Do I need to drive you there?"

Ron almost said yes.

Then his eyes fixed on Hollywood and Wolfman. He owed an apology to them, too.

Jesus bloody Christ.

"I ruined our day out. Fuck-- I'm sorry, guys... I'm so--"

"No, no man, you have nothing to apologize for. You couldn't know something would happen or whatever."

Hollywood's hand was warm against his skin. God, he felt bad. Sick. It was a nightmare. One he tried to keep at bay for so long, one he knew was doomed to happen one day or another because that was Chris, and he was good and kind and selfless.

Doomed to happen.

"Mav, you drive."

It wasn't a request, and Ron didn't care anyway, he leaned against Tom and prayed he wouldn't be sick right here and there.

(He got sick right before stepping inside the car, he's glad he didn't do it inside, he would feel so guilty.)

"It's alright, it's alright... take your time, sweetheart."

He barely registered their voices, Tom opened the door, and they got him to sit. It's Chris who's hurt, he should be strong and be there for him. He doesn't even know how he would face him, he's not sure he can. Probably not.

"Think we can start the car without you puking around, hon?"

It took him a little longer before he realized that it had been Mav talking earlier too. Well, he shouldn't be that surprised, Tom is not one for pet names when they're not alone.

He nodded.

He still felt sick. He felt faint.

Chris.

Chris Chris Chris.

Hurt.

At the hospital.

Nightmare.

Gone.

"Ronnie, he's gonna be alright. They would've told you if it wasn't."

They're not bound by our secrecy. It was unspoken, and yet--

"Maybe they can't. Maybe they don't know yet--"

In all honesty, Ron thought that if something was to happen, something bad, it would happen to him. He was the one that would die first, he knew it, Chris knew it, and Tom and Mav did too. Him. Not Chris.

Chris had to be fine.

"Mav, I'll leave him to you and go search for Chris's captain."

"Is he even conscious?"

For a second Tom asked him who he meant. He had no idea if Chris was--

"Hey, darling, still with us?"

Ron blinked, he looked disoriented and didn't look fully conscious.

For a moment, Tom stepped back. When did Mav grow that close to Ron? Besides the part where they all mostly spent their days together. But one thing was that one thing was growing close to Chris, especially after he and Ron went MIA. But Ron? They've never been close, he saw them try to antagonize each other, both joking and not (or so Tom hoped). Yet now-- there was a gentleness in the way Mav acted, in the way he brushed his sweaty hair back.

"I'll be right back."

Chris's captain was not surprised when he saw Tom first. For a moment, they stared at each other, neither knowing who wanted to speak first.

"Just tell me he's okay."

"He is."

Tom scrunched up his nose a little and studied his face.

"You're not saying that to make me happy, right? You know Ron, it's not gonna be easy."

"Is he alright?"

Tom nodded. Well, he left him with Mav, still conscious, he was as good as he could be.

"Chris's fine. A bit intoxicated by smoke, and a burn on his forearm, they're giving him oxygen. He's even conscious, all considered what happened."

Tom stopped himself before asking what the fuck happened, he nodded and went to get Ron.

Chris opened his arms when Ron stepped into the room. He looked tired, and a bit pale. But he was alive.

Was that how they felt when he got hurt, really? Ron was supposed to be strong. Shit. He promised. He promised to always be strong for them. For his boyfriend, for his pilots. (He swore at Goose's grave to never let Maverick down and to keep him safe for him.) He didn't feel strong now as he collapsed like a broken puppet into Chris's arms.

"I'm okay. I'm okay, Ron. I promise I'm--"

"Don't. Stop talking. Don't---"

He choked out a sob, the hold he had on Chris was delicate, like he was holding something fragile. Like the day he first held tiny Jake.

"Sorry."

Chris mumbled into his hair. He swears to never, ever let go.

"So, how?"

Mav asks, some time later, sitting on a chair waiting for Tom to return with some coffee, with Ron asleep, his head on the mattress. Chris hesitates, his fingers don't stop the gentle carding through his boyfriend's hair, but he hesitates. (He knows, if he stops Ron would wake up. He looks bad enough, if possible worse than Chris.)

"There was a kid trapped. Tell me you wouldn't have done the same."

"You know I would. You know he would too."

Yeah, and they both knew that Ron got in trouble because of kids before.

"Was it that bad? How he react?"

Mav considered lying. In the end, he chose to lie.

"After all the time he makes you worry? Does Tom worry too? He deserves to have a taste of it."

They both know it's a lie.

"You wanna know how bad, Chris?"

Tom had coffee in hand and a pained look when he noticed Ron.

"The day after Goose. You didn't see him, I did."

Mav stepped outside, he looked at Tom briefly, the way he seemed to contemplate the cigarette in his hand.

"You smoke?"

"Ron hates it. Says it'll cause problems. I say he will cause worse problems even when he's not the one getting hurt."

"What did you mean after Goose?"

"You called him darling." Tom smiled, and he deflected the question. "He's grown on you, mh?"

"How close was he to Goose?"

"I guess that happens when living together, right?"

"Ice--"

"Rio and pilot. Mav, you didn't see him. And if Heavens can spare us, you'll never will."

"You smell of cigs. I don't like it."

"Yeah, well, I don't like my family hurt. We're even."

They weren't, they would.

Somehow.

#ron slider kerner #chris seresin #tom iceman kazansky #pete maverick mitchell #slider x chris #icemav #ron is emotionally a mess #mav doesn't really mean he deserves to have a taste of it #top gun #aki writes

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alizeh-tu-badi-mushkil-hai · 2 years ago

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Hi, beautiful people! Let's talk about something I've been feeling lately.

I haven't been feeling great for months, and this constant feeling of despair has almost destroyed many beautiful things within me and the people around me. I truly believe in the idea that hurt people hurt people.

There are days when I feel like I'm always a good friend to everyone during their difficult times. But when it comes to me, I always seem to be at the bottom of their priority list. This really made me question the love I had for them. I'm going through a phase where my life has been turned upside down. Just like everyone else, I also wanted someone to hug me and be there for me emotionally and physically. My needs felt like they were extraordinary, so I started pushing them aside and convinced myself that I'm okay with being alone again.

As a result, I've had significant fights with my friends and loved ones. That's what adulting does to you—the inconsistency of love and support from people can drive you crazy. It's been one of the major triggers in my life. Lately, this adulting has reduced me to tears on the floor. Growing up, paying bills, going to college, dealing with family, fitting into this messed-up generation of traumatized adults, and constantly contemplating career changes—it's not easy.

And yes, I did feel lonely. I felt like the ten-year-old me, crying in the school parking lot, wondering why I didn't have any friends. I felt inadequate once again, believing that my needs were too much. I also felt that love wasn't fixing me or making me a better person. It brought back so many flashbacks.

It's not that I don't have friends and people around me, but we're all caught up in our own adulting struggles, making it hard to find time for each other. And here I am, not knowing whom to blame—adulting, the people I love, or myself.

While experiencing all these emotions, I realized how empty I felt every single day, like an empty can in the dustbin. An empty vessel makes the loudest noise, yet people were fooled by my noise, thinking that I was the happiest and doing great in my life. But the truth is, I wasn't doing well emotionally and physically. With my deteriorating health, my body and mind felt like they were on battery saver mode.

I did everything I could to conceal my sadness and loneliness. I turned to drinking, painted my face, dressed up, and slept as much as I could, avoiding sitting with these unfamiliar emotions or crying myself to sleep.

It's strange that as a grown-ass adult, I can go on stage, pick up a microphone, and talk confidently, but I can't sit with my own feelings and be gentle with myself. These days, I couldn't even recognize what I was feeling, and speaking about it or sharing it with someone felt like an impossible task. Every day felt like a battlefield where I was constantly failing, and I labeled myself a fucking loser. The eternal shame of not doing well in my life pinches me so much that I still don't know how to overcome it. There were moments when I wanted to give up on my life because I wasn't excelling in my career, academics, poetry, open mic shows, or work. It brought me to an existential crisis on another level.

But something really helped me these days to cope up, and I really want to appreciate those beautiful people in my life. We don't know each other much; we are just online friends. But Shrawani used to always check on me every single day, even though she had no solutions for my problem. I have never met her, but the way she is sweet and gentle with her words makes me feel really good about myself.

My online friend has been there on nights where I felt like everything was falling apart and I was ready to give up. She believed in me when no one else did. That day, my college random DM made me feel that I have a purpose, and that purpose was to write more and more. It wasn't just an ordinary DM I received that day; it felt like a warm hug from someone who barely even knows me. She is just my college senior and nothing more, but I really appreciate her kind words.A few days back, I remember crying myself to sleep and feeling like I didn't want to wake up the next day and go for an exam. But one of my small business friend made a crochet item for me and sent it along with a heartfelt note. I didn't even remember ordering from her small business, but she also wrote the warmest note for me, emphasizing how my words have the power to move people and provide comfort.On the day I had a minor accident on the bus and experienced intense arm pain, one of my anonymous friend @mastmalangs-blog empathized with my situation and sent me virtual hugs.

It's always these random sweet gestures that fill my empty jar on my bad days. When I am in pain, I tend to push people away, but bestfriend was the one who held onto me. She didn't let me believe in the thought I always had, that "people always leave when you're hard to love during your bad days." She loved me during the most terrible days of my life, even though I spewed a lot of hate from my mouth like a venomous snake. She made me believe in the thought that "even though life gives me two choices, to either leave you or love you, I chose to love you." We both know that we don't love each other completely, and we don't hate each other completely. But at the end of the day, we both choose to love each other no matter what."

Yes, I don't know if I'm completely okay today, but I am slowly getting there. I'm learning to be gentle with myself, love myself more, and be kind to others even on my bad days. I've realized the importance of not harboring hate towards others and instead asking for help when needed. We never know when our needs will be fulfilled.

#blog #desi tumblr #desiblr #desiblogger #poetry #prose poetry #desi things #mental health ki vaat lagayi #mental health

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captain-kraken · 2 years ago

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7 Snippets 7 People

Thank you for the tag @writingmaidenwarrior ! See their post here

No pressure tag for @violets-in-her-arms-writes @elshells @toribookworm22 @fictionalbullshitter @blind-the-winds @thewardenofwinter @writernopal

Snippet 01 (1919)

Lavis shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Why are you staring at me?”

“I didn’t think you could see me,” Einjal replied, showing no shame, “You never look at me.”

“That does not mean I cannot see you. Besides, I do look sometimes.” He glanced over at him, trying to prove a point. “And that is not an answer.”

Einjal grinned. “If you must know, I was trying to count your freckles.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’ve never really noticed them before. They’re cute.”

Lavis's eyes widened and he instantly felt his face grow warmer at this as he stammered. “Oh- um… that’s not what I… I…”

Snippet 02 (1985)

“You two were close once?”

Close. That wasn’t a word that either brother would ever have described their relationship as. The age gap had been detrimental enough, but their differing bonds with their fathers had ruined any chance they would have had.

Mahrias had grown up in the shade of Sahrav’s shadow, cast from the pedestal that their father had placed him upon. Sahrav may not have had a choice in that, but he had made no effort to get down or bring his brothers up to his level.

“I wish we had been. Or could be.”

Tafgen shrugged. “Sometimes it’s better that way. Can’t lose something if you never had it in the first place.”

Snippet 03 (1985)

“I understand why Einjal did what he did.”

Tafgen didn’t say anything, but his expression said that he didn’t fully disagree.

If someone had done this to one of the Elohian villages, Mahrias would have avenged them. That was balance. And isn’t that what they were supposed to do?

But… it hadn’t been balance, had it? It had escalated, further and further, until both rulers had been corrupted beyond recognition. Both emotionally and physically.

And seeking revenge had led to Bahavi’s downfall. Which didn’t seem fair to Mahrias. They were the ones who were attacked first, and they were the ones who had ultimately been destroyed.

Unless, that was what the gods had wanted all along. But why would they want that?

Snippet 04 (1987)

“I don’t want you to leave.”

Lija sighed. “I’m sorry, Vee. I don’t really have much choice. I need to work.”

“Well, what about when Mahrias has children?”

“That’s a while off yet. I can’t wait around for a few years for them to be born and reach teaching age.”

Viter’s lip wobbled and he stared at the floor. “B-but…”

Lija could feel their own throat tightening, and they embraced Viter to hide their face before the tears started to fall. “It’s been a pleasure and an honour to teach you. And I’m so sorry that I let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down,” replied Viter, his voice cracking. “You did ev-everything that you c-could. Thank you, Lija. F-for everything.”

Lija squeezed Viter tighter, wishing that they could stay. This was even harder than they thought it was going to be. “Perhaps you can come visit me sometimes.”

“That w-would be good.” Viter sobbed.

Snippet 05 (1991)

Tafgen watched Mahrias bang his head on his desk in bemusement.

“I thought you’d be happy.”

Mahrias stopped and looked up at him. “I am happy. I’m just… stressed.”

“About what in particular?”

“I’m twenty, Tafgen. I don’t feel ready to be a father.”

Tafgen smirked. “Then you should have been more careful.”

Snippet 06 (1999)

He felt the pull again, only this time he resisted less. The Sinni only worked one way and there was nothing Tafgen could do as Mahrias plunged the dagger into him. He groaned in pain, whilst Mahrias realised what he’d done, stumbling backwards.

“You know you can’t kill me.” Tafgen snarled, pulling the dagger out of his chest. Blood spurted out of the wound, leaking across his robes. “Not unless you kill yourself.”

“I couldn’t stop it!” Mahrias’s panic was beginning to overwhelm him, and he couldn’t stop shaking. “What’s happening to me?!”

Snippet 07 (1991)

Tafgen knocked on the door, waiting for a couple of moments for a response. When he got none, he knocked again, this time louder.

“Viter? It’s Tafgen.” Still no response. “Your brother’s Nivada?”

He could have just not been in his room. But Tafgen had a bad feeling. He didn’t know what to call it. A gut feeling, instinct, a sign from the gods.

But he knew he had to get in that room.

Turning the handle, he felt the feeling grow stronger when it clicked against a lock. Shaking it a few times did nothing. Neither did yanking it back and forth.

“Viter! Please can you just answer me?”

#thanks for the tag!#wip: blue blood #lots of Tafgen today lol #im feeling bad for him cos his life just gets progressively worse oops #oc: tafgen vorreh #oc: lavis kontemno #oc: einjal daju #oc: mahrias kontemno #oc: viter kontemno #oc: lija resoja

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punkshort · 7 months ago

Note

hey! tis the anon who read all of twww + one shots this past weekend and was emotionally deadddd when i finished, not ready to let go, only to find out mere seconds later there was a sequel lol just wanted to say i finished lwwb and the one shot from a month ago in like... basically a day, day and a half? and well it was x1000 better than i could have possibly imagined. once again i must refrain from getting into it because it would be a twenty page essay, but i'm deeply beyond sad i'm actually done now! tlou au's can be really difficult for me because there's so much dark shit and it can be trigger so i find myself going for the lighthearted pedro stuff but this was so fucking good and these two were such fucking perfection as evidenced by the fact i spent days staring into my phone reading lmao do we think they ever had children? i don't know... i hope so... i totally got the fear even if reader had a hard time conveying what she was feeling initially and commitment was so compelling as the premise of the sequel *applause* but that child would be so loved ugh anyway mostly wanted to send you another virtual hug, a BIG thank you, and echo once again that the greatest injustice of all is you do not have a book deal of some sort... these stories could be films. now i feel like i'm watching twww/lwwb reader and joel sail off in the sunset and i'm sitting here on the shore like goodbye my sweet angels please return one day, so to heal myself i am going to get started with some of the other joel series' (these look... so so SO fucking good... pornstar joel? i fear for me and i suspect this one will not be as easily read in public lol) including swept away which i'm excited about because your anons are losing their shit over it hehe i am sure all these joel's will destroy me and i welcome it, fuck me up boys fuck me up, how am i able to get this for free? HOW? i wish we could repay you somehow! apologies for the rant! thank you again!

Awwwwwahhhhh this was so sweet! Thank you so, so much! I just want to squeeze you!!

To answer your question about Joel and reader in TWWW/LWWB - I intentionally left the kid thing open ended, so it's totally up to you to decide! If you think they had a kid, then they had a kid 😘 I totally agree, if they did have one, they would have the most protective and kickass fucking parents, and the coolest 'sister' in Ellie.

I'm so happy you took a leap of faith and read something that is a little out of your comfort zone, thank you for taking a chance on me! I hope you like Roommates (there's actually no explicit porn in it, surprisingly enough, but it is discussed a lot) and Swept Away (also loving all the insane asks I'm getting about it, it always makes me smile when I see someone losing it over the latest chapter), but if you're more into the comfort/fluff stuff, may I recommend I'll Be Home for Christmas? I know it's not the holiday season but I've expanded on it since then and it's extremely fluffy and sweet - I call them my Hallmark Couple because I tried to write Joel Miller into a Hallmark Christmas movie 🤣

Anyway, thank you again for this sweet and thoughtful message, I'm so happy you're here! ❤️

#ask #anon ask

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nobody-is-home69 · 1 year ago

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~TW suicidal ideations~

when i feel unwanted

or that i am too much

i step back

but i step so far back

that i am no longer emotionally there

i shut down

and self isolate

it’s like therapy

i don’t have to think about how people are feeling or what they are thinking about me

it’s peaceful

but it is also soul destroying

self isolation is a form of self sabotage

in my eyes

as i know it is bad but i do not stop

i know it makes everything worse

but in the moment i don’t feel trapped

maybe trapped by my own mind

but not trapped by others

i do not have to talk

i do not have to speak

not even a whisper has to be said

i shut down

there’s no response from me

i go silent

until i am ready

until i break free

but until it loops again

and i am in a state of isolation

once more

#tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #depressiv #mental health #sad thoughts

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kunikame · 2 years ago

Note

Lyney fic anon again! This is the last time I'll be introducing myself that way, since I'll include a lil emoji at the end of this ask But if you're crying because of appreciation, then yes, I Will endeavor to make you cry by appreciating your writing KSJHBDF Unfortunately, Genshin is the only fandom that I have in common with you, and when I saw that your Scaramouche fic had major character death I decided that I wasn't ready to get emotionally destroyed just yet. Still, when I'm in the mood for soul-crushing angst, I know where to turn! I'm sure it's just as beautiful (and 1000x more heartbreaking) as the Lyney fic I praised so highly. Once again, hope you're having a wonderful day! <3 ~ 🪄 anon

wahoo another emoji anon!!! (i havent heard from the others in. months (cries)).

... damn. 😦

mannn ☹️ i totally recommend you to try i7 or daiya giggles (you dont have to ofc, i advertise them to everyone 😭)

ah, yes, the scara fic 🥰 have fun with that one when you get to it 🥰 i myself am very proud of that one so i hope you like it just as much as the lyney shortfic!

thank you, you too! ( ≧∀≦)ノ

#📬「mailbox」#ㅡ♡ anon #♡ 🪄non

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jsab-corruptedbond · 1 year ago

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AIGHT this Request is closed now! i'll do the rest of the request in the morning :) thanks for all the silly and wholesome request

i am now ready to emotionally destroy y'all once again (evil laugh)

see you in the next pages >;)

Taking Doodle Art Request

ok so- I have this thing- when i draw too much angst i won't be able to draw more angst and need to draw wholesome to balance it out The last two batch of pages is juuuust a bit too much just a teeeny bit, i'm definetely not chased by mobs after those two updates/j soo i'm taking "wholesome scenarios" art request, this is your chance to make me draw my shapes actually happy lmaoo, i'll take the request using the ask blog but first i have to set a few rules: - no i'm not drawing you or your oc hugging them. ok thats the only rule LMAO, have fun requesting my shapes getting therapy~

#art requests

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juneknight · 3 years ago

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Idling || 8

Previous drabble here.

about this: MK system/fem!reader. Likely an inaccurate and dramatized portrayal of DID. Discussions of self harm, graphic depictions of self harm, and blood.

You, Marc, and Steven plot how to communicate with Jake.

Being awake all night destroys your sleep schedule, but neither you nor Marc nor Steven seem to mind when you find yourselves crawling into bed together with the gray early afternoon light flooding in through the window.

“I’m so sorry you were hurt,” Steven murmurs, softly tracing a thumb across the apex of your swollen cheek. When you had looked at it in his bathroom, you had just barely been able to see a blue tint to the skin, hinting at the impressive bruise that would later form.

You cup a hand over his own, enjoying the warmth of his palm against the ache. When the man in the alleyway had hit you, you had felt it in your teeth. Then you remember the wet warmth of his blood splattering across your bare legs when Jake slit his throat and your stomach rolls. That had left a mark on you that would also show in time.

“I’m okay,” you say. Physically, you are. Emotionally, you feel like a barely concealed mess, struggling to hold it together even when it feels like you’re watching the person you love most unravel before your eyes.

Neither of you choose to be the little spoon, deciding instead to embrace each other and fall asleep that way, uncomfortably warm but desperate for each other, holding on as if you were each other’s only lifejacket in a roiling ocean.

Briefly, you wake at one point to find Marc snacking, his eyes dark and distant even as he watches you. Your face throbs. Reaching up gingerly, you feel that your eye is swelling. His expression dips into even more dangerous territory. Once he comes back to bed smelling of toast, you both fall asleep again, and neither of you wake until the sun is setting once more.

Marc jolts you from sleep by shouting, rolling until his body presses you into the mattress protectively. All around you, the room seems to shake, wind rustling your hair even as you cling to Marc’s shoulder, shouting into his neck, “What’s happening?”

“Khonshu, stop!”

All at once the wind dies and the furniture stops its trembling. You don’t, adrenalin making your body shake like a leaf in the wind even as Marc rolls out of bed—unaffected by this supernatural display of fury—and begins to point his finger towards some spot nearer to the ceiling than the floor.

“You manipulative son of a bitch, I don’t care where your sidekick is!” Marc shouts.

Great, you think, eyeing the empty air Marc is shouting at. More conversations I only get to see half of.

“Yeah, well now your game is over. Release us, all of us, or—“ Marc pauses, face darkening with whatever the invisible god replies with. “—or I’ll contact the Ennead…good standing? They can hardly stand you at all!”

You slip from the bed, knees still weak from the fear of being woken so suddenly and violently. When you put a hand on Marc’s shoulder, he barely spares you a glance. “Marc,” you try. “Translate for me here. What’s going on?”

“No need,” a baritone voice booms.

You suck in a breath, only barely repressing the instinctual urge to scream. They had warned you about Khonshu—described him as best as they could during their rare moments of willingness to recount the old god and their servitude to him—but nothing could prepare you for it. The sheer scale of him, the unearthly wind that rustles his wrappings, the massive skull which reminds you of a scythe ready to cut the both of you down like stalks in a field.

“Now that I have regained the favor of the other gods, I am once again powerful enough to show myself at will,” Khonshu says.

Marc’s eyes flicker between you two. “You—can see that thing?”

“The ten foot tall fossilized bird? He’s hard to miss,” you gasp, breaths coming fast and shallow.

Marc’s head bows, forehead pressing against your shoulder. Maybe it’s with relief: he isn’t alone in this nightmare anymore, is he? He’s finally been given third party confirmation (from someone who isn’t a cult leader) that Khonshu exists. Your racing heart feels fit to break. How much more fear does Marc carry inside himself that he hasn’t yet spoken of?

You reach for his hand and squeeze his fingers. “Fill me in. What’s going on?”

“My Moon Knight did not answer the call to justice,” the bird says. Agitated, he strikes his staff against the wooden floor, and the books on Steven’s shelves rattle dangerously. “Where is Jake Lockley?”

“Gone for good, if we’re lucky,” Marc grits out.

“Is that good?” Marc’s expression grows stormier, if possible. You rush to explain, adding: “You know better than I would. Before I met you, I didn’t know anything about DID. Can alters—I don’t even know what word to use. Dissolve? Disappear?”

Marc rubs at the furrow between his eyes. “I don’t know as much as you might think. Whatever I could read on the internet. I checked out a couple books on it from the Chicago Public Library once. I’ve got a hell of fine waiting if I ever go back.”

“Discuss this on your own time,” Khonshu bellows. “The sun has set. This time belongs to me. I grow tired of dealing with your fractured mind, Marc Spector. If Jake Lockley doesn’t present himself to me before sunrise, tell him that our agreement is no more.”

The god disintegrates into golden sand blown into the void by an unfelt wind.

“That doesn’t sound good. What does that mean?” you wonder aloud.

“I don’t know.” Marc glances at the mirror. He begins a fiery back and forth with Steven; it kills you to only be privy to half the conversation, but you keep quiet. The last thing they need is you inserting yourself into an already tense discussion; especially when Steven’s opinion on the next step should hold much more weight than your own.

“No. That’s not an option…okay, first of all, what gave you the impression that this bastard is even open to negotiation? Was it the casual alleyway homicide or the months of secretly using our body like a murder puppet? No, buddy, you listen! If there’s still a wall between us and him, who the hell would he have to negotiate with in the first place?...” In the silence of Steven’s answer, Marc’s eyes flicker to you for the briefest moment. If you hadn’t been watching him so closely, you might have missed it or excused it as a trick of the light. Jaw clenched, he glares into the mirror. “Out of the question…it isn’t a matter of trust, of course I trust—them.”

“Don’t do that,” you mutter. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here. You aren’t even good at it.”

Marc holds up a finger, like you’re some child tugging on the sleeve of his shirt and interrupting a grown-up conversation. “Just, give us a minute, will you?”

It’s on the tip of your tongue to snap at him, to say that you can give him plenty of minutes and then storm out. But god help you—you love him. And you know that whatever the next twelve hours bring, he shouldn’t have to face it alone. So instead, you let your jaw shut with a click of your teeth and you focus on counting your breaths, letting Marc’s voice melt into the background. Your face throbs with every heartbeat, so you begin to keep count.

“—hey.” You open your eyes, unaware that you had closed them. Steven is there, face solemn. He reaches out and cups your cheek in his burning palm. “Are you alright?”

“Not really.” You hold up your thumb and finger, the space between them small. “Maybe this much alright. Which is probably still more alright than you.”

“Spot on, you are. Always are.” He sits on the bed beside you, the mattress sloping with his weight until you lean into his body. He smells freshly showered. Jake must have done that while you were at the station answering questions. When you catch a whiff of cigarette smoke, you shiver. It’s probably just in your head. “Don’t take this the wrong way. But Marc convinced me that maybe it’s best if you aren’t here when we try to make contact with this new bloke in our brain.”

“Et tu, Steven?”

“I’m only thinking of you, love,” he says. “It’s not going to be so easy as sending up a smoke signal or sending this Jake a text. He comes out in less than ideal circumstances, doesn’t he?”

You pull away from him to stare, eyes raking over the exhausted lines of his handsome face. “What the hell are you two planning? To nearly get yourselves killed and hope that Jake pops up at the last second like a mole in an arcade game?”

“What, and let him level a city block to save us? No!”

“Then what?”

The look he gives you is so tenderly sad, the silence dragging on so long that you know it must be bad, a truly terrible idea, and the worst idea you can think of—

“I won’t let you hurt yourselves,” you whisper to him. Grabbing his hand, you pull it from your cheek and squeeze it tight, his fingertips turning dark from lack of circulation.

“I don’t think he’d let us,” says Steven.

“I don’t think it would work, anyway. What you and Marc think lures him out…I think you’re wrong.”

Steven blinks. “If you’ve got an idea and you’re holding back, by all means—“

You take a shaky breath, and then you tell him.

Jake runs until his legs give out.

He gets nowhere.

A dense fog clings to the ground twenty or thirty yards in front and behind him. Beyond it, who knows what exists. Nothing, probably. Nothing here is real, Jake thinks, clutching at his hair. Not even me.

Despite the distance he must have traveled, every so often he finds the cab appearing from the fog ahead of him, ever-idling at the curb, smoke drifting from the exhaust. No matter what turn he takes, he always ends up there. The cab. The apartment.

He glances up at the building where Marc grew up and spots a curtain twitching, long dark hair of a woman gone in the blink of an eye. The sight of her makes his stomach roll, palms damp even as they clench into fists, prepared for violence.

“No me puedo escapar de ti, mamá,” he mutters to the ghost of her. His first failure. Turning away, he resolves not to look anymore lest he see her again.

Running is useless, but he isn’t prepared to sit inside the warmth of the cab again. He can’t bear to hear the pain he has caused Marc and Steven.

And you.

He wasn’t sure if they had told you about their time in Khonshu’s service, but when you looked up at him from the dirty London alleyway, you had done it with recognition. Familiarity that he hadn’t earned and didn’t deserve.

Jake didn’t always murder petty thieves. He killed discriminately—in self defense. Other murderers. Rapists. People who sold other people like cattle. But those thieves from the alley had chosen the wrong woman to target. He isn’t delusional enough to believe he holds any claim to you, no matter if you hold and caress and kiss the body he shares with two others—but you are important to his headmates.

And the thief had hurt you.

No. Jake feels no remorse, except that he had not arrived sooner and that you had gotten blood on your dress.

Jake turns his back to the cab, rests against it and lets his body slide down to the ground. He wishes for sleep, the blissful unawareness he gets when the Body rests.

A sound jerks him from his self-pity, the shrill ring of a telephone. Across the street from him rests a payphone which had not been there just a moment before.

Dread curls in his gut. It’s for him. He knows.

The plastic of the phone is damp and cold when he lifts it from the hook and holds it to his ear without speaking.

“—looking for Jake,” spills out your voice. “If you’re there, please come…forward. Front, I mean. Please front. I am looking for Jake. If you’re there—“

Jake hangs up the phone.

It begins ringing again, almost immediately. This time he leaves it, stalking back towards the cab. He won’t go back. Marc and Steven are better off without him. He takes his seat again, closing his eyes and letting his head rest back against the driver’s door. The phone rings for so long that it becomes white noise and he is only jerked from his thoughts when it stops, the silence deafening.

His shoulders drop. How long had he expected you to try, anyway? It’s finished. Now he can relax.

Except his heart has begun to race. Fast, then faster, his chest heaving to keep up. Then he realizes that it isn’t his heart that’s pounding. It isn’t his growing panic and fear. It’s…the Body’s.

Jake is so rarely called to front that it always feels like the first time: the rising sense of wrongness, the bitter taste of fear in the back of his throat, the heart—one thing they all share—feeling like it is about to beat out of his chest. Something terrible is happening.

He told himself that he wouldn’t go back into the apartment. He knows what waits there. Reality, memory, fantasmas. He isn’t ready to face a world where Marc and Steven—and you—know that he exists. He isn’t ready to be seen.

But he is needed. And he will die doing what he was made to do. Protect the Body. Protect the System. Protect You.

Letting out a heavy breath, he picks himself up and turns back to the apartment. The door is open, just a crack.

It’s as good an invitation as any.

And he isn’t sure what he expects when he blinks hard to clear his vision. Fronting to protect Steven and Marc usually means violence—violence being inflicted on them, violence that he must inflict. He’s come to the front in a stifling uniform in Iraq. In a truck driving along the precarious curves of the Alps. On a rooftop in Cairo with a throbbing headache.

In the flat.

His face is wet. His throat is raw. His wrists throb where they are secured with handcuffs behind his back, tethering him to one of the wooden support beams. Instinct has him pulling with all his strength, deepening whatever wounds Marc and Steven have already received in their own struggle, but in an instant he goes unearthly still. Looking at you.

You, sitting cross legged on the floor across the room, knife held loosely in your shaking hand, the blade poised to do yourself more damage. Blood drips from the wounds on your arms, three parallel marks each grow deeper. In nothing but the moonlight streaming through the window, the blood dripping into your lap is black like oil.

It makes sense then, what had frightened Marc and Steven so much.

“Hi, Jake,” you gasp through your tears. “Thought that might get your attention.”

Next drabble here.

#jake lockley x reader #steven grant x reader #marc spector x reader

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multifairyus · 2 years ago

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Once I picked up the Bloodmarked audiobook again, I decided I wanted to finish it before restarting my fav multichapter timeskip fic, Bonded. I remember thinking it hit the characterizations just right and I loved how it picked up from where BM left off in a believable way. Hope you don’t mind the promo @sweetestblacktea—I’m behind on my comments I know but I hope this will suffice until I can pull myself together 😭

I finished BM a second time last night and it emotionally destroyed me 👸🏾🗡️📖 i remember so much more after my 4ish day hyperfocus to finish. Plus the theories and observations in the Discord…chile I am stressed. I am now ready to be elated by the end of Bonded’s emotional rollercoaster…but wishes are dangerous mind games and the plot can go to hell in a hand basket at drop of a pin in universe so lemme stop while I’m ahead…

Oh yes, the smut. Cannot forget the smut. That’s where I left off on cuz it was SO sweet but before PLOT DEVELOPMENT and I got scared cuz the plot got me GOOD a few chapters back.

I will never forget how this fic lured me in with smut and made me stay for plot…because, truly, what DID Sel mean by “Start, stop, and everything in between” hmm? I have my theories. How exactly does being oathed to someone effect intimacy? Hard hitting questions like that were answered alongside excellent worldbuilding(expansion?) and character work!

At any rate it’s my canon continuation until further notice by Ms. Deon herself 🤷🏾‍♀️🔥

#bloodmarked #legendborn #brelwyn #breesel #selbree #ao3 #fic rec #fic reccomendations #fanfiction

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variousqueerthings · 3 years ago

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Daniel's Trigger Moments (big and small)

I divided these into what I'd consider "big" moments and "smaller" moments, based on a completely non-scientific method of "how much does this change Daniel's motivations/how intense are his reactions to it/is this more of a trigger on top of another, more intense trigger"

I don't know if anyone already did this, but it tracks very well with Daniel's decision-making on the show. A lot of the time he genuinely is a level-headed guy, even quite far on into the plot, when he's probably just emotionally in the Badness constantly.

His worst decisions - with the exception of raising the rent in season 1 (although he backed off after that, realising he'd gone too far when Amanda rightfully tore into him) - come generally right off the back of Something Triggering them

Spoilers for season 4

1. Big: Seeing the Cobra Kai sign (s1ep2) (everything he does to escalate after this until episode 9 is driven by this moment, although influenced by Johnny also escalating, albeit in less intense ways)

- His suspicion of Kyler when Johnny tells him that he's violent (s1ep3)

- Rehashing Cobra Kai at the All-Valley Committee meeting (s1ep7)

2. Big: Discovering that Robby was lying to him (s1ep9) (he walks this back in the very next episode, after understanding that Robby wasn't being malicious)

3. Big: Robby tells him Cobra Kai could take over the Valley (s1ep10) (Daniel walks back on this in the next episode, making the healthier choice to let it go)

4. Big: Daniel discovers that Kreese is alive and training with Johnny (s2ep2) (this is when Daniel makes the "snake in the grass" commercial, but actually doesn't escalate further until later)

- Johnny and Kreese disrupt the Valleyfest demo (s2ep3) (I don't know if this was a big trigger, so much as a confirmation of the previous trauma-based gut-feeling he'd been having, but he still doesn't really escalate based off of this)

5. Big: Hawk and others destroy the Miyagi-dojo (s2ep5) (Daniel still doesn't actually escalate, other than his one kneejerk reaction of facing down Johnny at the dojo, because at this point Johnny and Kreese and Cobra Kai and Terry is all the same to him)

6. Big: Kreese directly threatens him (s2ep7) (it's Kreese who really calls this a war, and Daniel is horrified by it, but he still doesn't really escalate. His marriage is falling apart at this point, because he's spiralling/hyperfocusing on Miyagi-do)

7. Big: Daniel discovers Sam stayed at Johnny's (s2ep9) (this is probably the most "woah why'd he do that" that I've seen people talk about and I've always thought it made sense because he is this close to breaking and so high strung -- and it's Sam -- we see Daniel doing this over and over again, when things get really bad for him, he hunkers down, he lashes out, he overprotects - especially with Sam

also after the school fight he is ready to escalate, but backs down after Amanda tells him to)

After this Daniel goes from on-the-ropes with the dealership to thriving in Okinawa, truly hot girl summer shit. In fact, in s3ep7 we're dealing with Sam's triggers and Daniel's second vague mention of his time in Cobra Kai and the aftermath, but he's relatively okay talking about it in his particular self-censoring way

- Daniel sees Chozen again (s3ep4) (I think Daniel dealt with this very well actually, probably because Chozen also deals with it well (and hilariously))

also in s3ep8 is the first time? Daniel and Johnny meet since s3ep2?

8. Big: The Cobra Kai students break in at the LaRusso house (s3ep10) (I'd argue this is the only big trigger all season. And it all ends with him teaming up with Johnny and not committing a murder so yay!)

9. Big: Terry Silver shows up at Miyagi-do (s4ep4/5) (okay I am currently rewatching everything and have only seen season 4 once, BUT I am pretty sure that Daniel making his "I should take over" speech to Johnny is the first time he makes a really bad call this season and it's 100% off the back of Terry returning - yes he was kind of prissy and mean about Johnny's abilities as a teacher occasionally, but they were working that out. Here is where it all goes wrong)

10. Big: Terry taunts Daniel (s4ep6) (and yes, immediately after it's all gone wrong, Terry fucking digs in and gleefully tells him that he liked it/that he had a little bit of Cobra Kai in him all along - no wonder Daniel wanted to make a hard split between Miyagi-do and anything Cobra Kai that could "taint" it, he was so afraid that Terry was right, and this conversation probably just confirmed it!

Arguably the whole latter half of the season in terms of his overreactions - Daniel being scared of Sam training with Johnny and his eventual intense reaction with Anthony (breaking the ipad) - it all comes from these two meetings with Terry spilling over that already overfull cup of his

It's interesting that these are the only two interactions they have all season, but they affect Daniel so intensely... what will that look like when Terry has more of his attention on him?)

Anyway that's all I've got, interesting to track his responses dependent on these moments, I think they all make perfect sense/his reactions to them make sense

also as several people have said: Daniel has tried to tell people about Cobra Kai and his experiences, but due to a. his own muddled telling and b. the suspension of disbelief needed to believe that geriatric karate coaches are torturing teens, nobody really takes his emotions seriously

I wonder what his decision-making will be like in s5, when on the one hand Terry... kind of won? but on the other, he has a much steadier presence with Chozen there

#daniel larusso #cobra kai #ck #cobra kai meta

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queerthoughts-gaybrainrot · 4 years ago

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if Aleksander was truly a villain

[I apologise for the chaotic structure, however I only now taken my ADHD meds and it takes some time before they kick in]

I am (spite) rewatching the show and have noticed the writers missed many opportunities in which they could absolutely make Aleksander/The Darkling the absolute villain. The one that would actually be feared, that we would maybe even hate as we hated characters such as Joffrey Baratheon (well, probably not because Aleksander is an attractive adult but you know).

For example, their first meeting.

He could have brought her to him in chains on their first meeting. He could have interrogated her if she isn’t a Shu-spy, or showcase behavior similar to the one Zoya had towards Alina. He could have told her how many people died because of her actions, break her down. He could have told her it was all for nothing and lie that Mal also died, because of her selfish actions.

And when they transported her to the Little Palace.

He could’ve played on Alina’s emotions, say that those people died for and because of her. That if she had not pushed her powers down and accepted her identity instead of suffocating herself to stay with Mal, she would already be a powerful Grisha. Maybe even destroyed the Fold already. Countless deaths could have been avoided, including those of her friends. Maybe even the war would have ended and there would be no threat of a civil war. And her fear of his own powers? He could have easily flipped it onto her, that she is treating him the way many soldiers and commoners treated her, just she lets her prejudice against Grisha influence her, not her prejudice against the Shu.

Instead of giving her the time to recover after the travel, he could have dragged her to court. Order the servants and Genya to get her ready immediately and introduce her as a tool, a weapon, someone under him, a means to an end.

He could have isolated her from anyone, not allow any Grisha to be close enough to be considered friends. Order Genya to feed Alina lies that it’s for protection, or that it’s the order of the King, or that they don’t want to interact with her because of her internalised prejudice and unwillingness to help them. He could have forged letters between Mal and Alina, instead of just taking them. Make it seem like they hate each other. That Mal hates Alina for being Grisha and nearly getting him killed. That Alina hates Mal for being human. Kirigan could have gone as far as to tell Alina that Zoya did not sleep with Mal, but instead that Mal attacked her and forced her, and that’s the reason why Zoya hates Alina. Because she’s Mal’s friend.

He could have become Alina’s only friend, the one who would comfort her after Baghra’s lessons, eat meals with her, send her gifts, teach her, take her for rides. All while feeding her lies. Maybe that he too suppressed his powers once, to avoid being taken from someone he loves, and understands her struggles. He could have made her believe that without him, it will not be possible for her to ever take down the Fold. Maybe feed her a story that it was Baghra who was the Black Heretic, but the history changed a woman into a man because it was easier for them to believe. It would be easy to persuade Alina and make her think that Baghra is there just to keep everything under her control, keep Aleksander under her control like she did for centuries.

He could have shown her the corpses of the Grisha killed by Fjerdans, Shu, Ravkans. The ones who were still tended to by the Healers, still in pain, screaming, covered in blood. Tell her the stories how once Grisha would hunt each other for the amplifiers. How Shadow Summoners were seen as something to hate, to be feared. Make her feel sympathy for him. Fall for him, only to be chained with the amplifiers because Kirigan does not trust her and will never trust her. It would show that he is incapable of trust, of love. He would betray her first. Or maybe she would be given the amplifiers as a sign of love, and once they were in the Fold? that’s when he would betray her. Along the way Baghra, Genya, maybe even Zoya would try to tell Alina who he really is but she wouldn’t believe it.

When Mal comes to Kirigan with the information about the whereabouts of the stag but refuses to say anything if he doesn’t see Alina? Torture the information out of him. Make one of the Heartrenders squeeze it out, or make Zoya do the job just to twist the knife. Send Marie who is tailored as Alina to Mal, make her lie that she (Alina) hates him, that he’s nothing, that he will always be nothing. Tailor one of his soldiers into Mal and send him to Alina, to do the same!

When Mal is later captured? Break the damn promise, kill him. Torture him, make him go mad with hate towards Grisha, lie that he simply ran away and left Alina to deal with all of this alone.

Also - no Kirigan caring for his Grisha. It’s hard to see someone with a good goal (fighting the oppression of his people) as a villain. To make him a villain, he should be like Baghra. No lost love to Ravkan soldiers. No him risking his life to protect the other Grisha. No him being patient-fatherly like towards David. No sending Fedyor to find Nina (who is just another soldier). He should see them as simple pawns, soldiers with no names, expendable tools in his game, and we should see that.

They had so many opportunities to make him a villain, but they didn’t. Instead they made him one of most logical and sympathetic characters in the show. Who wouldn’t empathise with someone who comes from an oppressed group, and for centuries tries to give his people a safe place? Who started as a helper to the King, and was betrayed by said King after winning a war for him? Who was hunted by the human soldiers and was forced to watch his love be murdered in front of him? Who was raised by an abusive, emotionally unavailable mother who isolated him from his fellow Grisha? Who has shown time and time again that he cares for his people and just wants them to be safe? He used merzost knowing it would be a risk, but he was willing to take it to protect his people. He used it once, when the King was hunting him and his fellow Grisha, and he used it again when Zlatan was causing a civil war and selling Grisha to Fjerdans. That’s not actions of a villain.

#aleksander morozova #aleksander kirigan #general kirigan #sab #shadow and bone #the darkling #the black heretic #ben barnes #shadow and bone show #grishaverse #darkling #kirigan

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todomochi-uwu · 4 years ago

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Of Unspoken Troubles & Loving You (3/3)

Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader

Warnings: Angst

Author’s Notes: Done.

"Don't worry, Toshi. We'll be okay."

Previous parts: First Second Second&Half

Tension filled the entire gymnasium, you could feel it, the players could feel it, the rest of teams could feel it, everyone was gathering around the court, watching as each of the teams gave out their best to try and beat the other.

Anxiety ran through your veins, your shoulders were tense and the need to vomit was becoming more prominent each second it passed, you knew damn well you might have caused all this stupid rivalry, and while an outsider might see it as an over-exaggeration, the thought of someone getting hurt was throwing you over the edge. You could see the face of each and every single one of the boys, you could see the desperation, the nerves, the tiredness; and you couldn't help but pity them, there was nothing left to say, there was no way to convince them, it just simply would be stupid to do it.

The ball flew by leaving each court, points were given and groans let out, sweat covered their entire faces and their breathing so heavy it could be heard across the room; it was already the third set and none of the teams had asked for a time out, no one was giving up. It wasn´t until the mandatory rest at the half of the set that you could finally approach the boys.

"Hey boys, please take it easy. I don't want anyone getting hurt, okay? Please remember this is only a practice match, nothing to lose here." You try and calm them up, passing out water bottles, just as you were making sure everyone was okay, the rigidness of a chest crossed your way.

You looked up and couldn´t help but get flustered at the sight, Ushijima's breathing was heavy and sweat drops ran down his face, he sported the same stoic face as always but the look in his eyes was trying to tell you something, he longed for something and you knew what it was, wondering if you should give in and just comfort him, but once again the words 'Manager, not captain' filled your thoughts, and suddenly the urge washed away. "You are giving your best Ushijima san, but remember not to overwork it, Washijou wouldn´t like for you to pull a muscle." Patting his shoulder, you made your way to the rest of the team.

You were helping Tendou bandage his fingers, which were now red and bloated from all the blocking he had done, every time you would pass the bandages around them he would let out a small hiss, "You know, he didn't mean to be an asshole, he´s sorry for what he did." Tendou mumbled, making you frown "I see, so that´s why you are here apologizing for him." Tendou tried again, "Y/N…" "No, Tendou. I'm more than tired." You got up, finishing the last touches and going next to make sure Goshiki was okay.

The rest of the match was even worse, Kenma could barely breath and the look that covered Kuroo's face was one of pure frustration, the board wasn´t looking good for his team, 24-19, and while they had managed to win a set, he didn't think they could get away with the victory.

And while they tried their very best, in the end, it wasn't enough.

Everything was over, and while everyone seemed satisfied enough that the match was over, Kuroo couldn't help as if he had to prove himself to you. Feeling ashamed that even at this moments, Ushijima had managed to surpass him.

"Good job, guys!" You came running with towels and a box full of energy drinks, making sure everyone had one, even Nekoma. After reassuring all of them were okay, you spotted a very tired man sitting by the benches, head low, covered by a white towel and gasping for air still. Kuroo.

You approached him slowly, not wanting to startle him, "Hi." Your voice was small, not knowing how he would react.

He raised his head, the look in his eyes said everything, "Hey."

Few minutes passed by, no one knew what to say next.

"I knew that maybe we didn't stand a chance, but this is a new kind of humiliation." He giggled humourlessly.

"Kuroo…" You tried, before he continued, "I'm not mad at you, it would be stupid to be. I just can't believe that asshole has absolutely everything right in front of his fucking nose and yet he doesn't seem to care." He shook his head, desperation filling his veins, clouding his vision. "Fuck this." He got up and the process he kicked the bench next to him, making his way down the gym.

"Kuroo?" You followed him, worried for what he might do.

His pace didn't stop or faltered, his eyes screamed in fury and his body language indicated only one thing if Ushijima wasn't going to realize by himself how lucky he was, maybe he would have to give him a clue.

Meanwhile, you kept trying to stop him, reason with his logic and the thoughts that fogged his mind, but nothing worked, he was determined to do something.

"Ushijima!" The raw voice filled the hallway, making the miracle boy turn around. His features hardened at the sight of you behind Kuroo; he didn't say anything but didn't back down. "You are a fucking jerk, are you aware of that?"

Nothing you could say or do would change the current situation.

"You. You fucking idiot." His finger pointed directly, coming closer every second. "You have absolutely everything I have been killing myself for, you are monster in volleyball, we get it, but you also got her?" This time the attention was directed at you, making you uncomfortable, "And yet you dare ignore her and treat her like a piece of shit. Who the fuck do you think you are?" He couldn't hold back anymore, pushing his hands against Ushijima's chest, he kept going, not worrying about the consequences, "You don't deserve it, you don't deserve the love she's giving you." The final straw, "And for that, I'll make sure you don't get any more of it."

Snap.

Everything seemed so blurry, one moment to another Ushijima was on top of the middle blocker, punches flying everywhere, curses and threats were thrown and terror swallowed your heart.

Tendou and Reon trying to hold back Ushijima while Bokuto and Lev tried to do the same for Kuroo, it had finally blown up and you couldn't help but feel responsible.

Coaches surrounded the boys, dragging them apart and lecturing them in what just had happened; feeling completely useless you made your way outside, trying to clear your thoughts.

Was all of this necessary? Ushijima might be oblivious and blunt, but you loved him; he was also having a hard time and you knew it, yet decided to go on.

And what about Kuroo? Why did you have to get him involved in your mess? He was doing more than okay, yet you were selfish enough and dragged him.

If it was love, whatever you seemed to be in, why was it so difficult to feel happy? It surely shouldn't be like this, you should be able to communicate all your worries to Wakatoshi, it should not be this difficult, and to this, you worried. Was Ushijima the real problem here, or was there something more to it?

Making your way down to the nursery's office, know full well Ushijima and Kuroo would be there, not being quite ready to face them, not knowing what to say or how to act, you just knew you had to see them.

Sitting down on a bench next to the door was Kuroo, he was holding an ice pack to his right cheek and small bandages covered his lips along with some cream covering the small bruises in his nose. The sight of his face alone made your heart feel even heavier. "Hey, cry baby." He mumbled.

"Hey." You sat down, trying to find the right words. "You look like shit." God, why are you like this?

"Yeah? You should see what I did to him." He said lazily, "He doesn't punch as hard as I think he would, do you think he was holding back?" He smirked, before wincing out in pain.

"I am sorry."

He gave you frown, "Why?"

"I dragged you into all this mess, and now you are hurt. It was my mess to deal with and I involved you in it, for that I am sorry."

"You didn't do anything, I decided to be here and while I didn't expect it to turn out this way, I'm glad." He gave you a reassuring smile, cracking a little bit when the pain kicked in once again.

"You are a moron."

He giggled, "Yeah I might be, but I also know about who feels like an even bigger idiot." He sighed, "We had a little bit of a talk, and turns out he is aware of the problem; he owns it completely and is willing to try to make things better, but…"

He hesitated.

"I'm not sure about what you want."

You sighed, shaking your head "To be quite honest I don't know. I mean, I still love him, he's not a bad person and I'm sure he still loves me, but…"

"But…"

"But I'm not sure if it's the best thing to jump into it right away, maybe we should go back a few steps, you know?"

"I completely understand, and I know he will too. Just talk to him, he loves you enough to give you time and space, or to let you go if that's what you want."

Nodding, "I don't want him out of my life."

"And that won't happen but for now tell him how you feel, it'll be okay."

…

"Hey, Kuroo?"

"Yeah?"

"When we first met, you talked about going through the same situation, care enough to explain?"

"Fuck, I did talk about that huh? Well, let's just say I was taken for granted, treated like shit and I went through this spiral of lies and obsessive thoughts that emotionally destroyed me, that made me doubt myself, my friends and every single thing I believed in." He rubbed his hands, looking out the ground, "When I got out of it I felt so empty and dead on the inside I genuinely considered never dating again; it might sound like an overreaction, but I was so numb to the entire world I didn't think love was worth anything. And then, someone came in and made me realise that maybe, just maybe it wasn't my fault, it was my abuser's fault, that I wasn't at fault for giving my all to someone who just drained me, they helped me and now here we are." He looked into your eyes, "Sometimes I wonder if the trauma would have healed faster if they had appeared while I was still in that hell, instead of after. That´s why I felt the urge to help you, and while Ushijima is nowhere an asshole as my ex was, you were hurting and I hated seeing it."

"Kuroo…" Tears filled your eyes, threatening to fall.

"Oh common, please don't cry, I'm on the other side now and everything's okay."

"Do I know them?"

"Huh let's see, they are just as weird as you, but a little bit less annoying I guess." You groaned in annoyance, "I'm kidding, but yes you do know them."

"Aren't you going to tell me?" Before you could continue complaining the nursery's office door opened, and here he was, the giant, buffed, airheaded man you called your boyfriend.

Standing up you met his gaze, there was no coldness in it, no hate, no malice, just pure longing and regret, and your hurt couldn't help but clench. Taking his hand in between yours, you caressed it, making him shiver.

"Don't worry, Toshi. We'll be okay."

…

"So you want to break up?" He furrowed his eyebrows, his hands felt clammy and his breathier became a bit quicker.

"Not quite like that, I think we jump into a relationship way too quickly, we barely even knew each other and even if we have been in this for some months now, we are not working out as we should."

"I will try harder, I swear," He mumbled.

"And I know you will, I trust you to do it, but how about we make our priorities the things we love right now? Like you win those nationals and I focus on getting into university?"

"I didn't know having me impeded your education."

"It's not, but I want to know what's like to look out only for me, to know I'm not chasing anyone, just for a little while."

He nodded, didn't say a word for a few minutes, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel as if you were chasing me. I missed my chance and I understand it. Know that I still love you and will keep on doing it, and I respect your decision of letting things between us end." He vowed and turned around, not sure how to processed what just happened.

"Ushijima." "Yes?" Locking your arms around his waist, looking straight into his eyes and caressing the side of his face, "I am not letting you go, I can't. This is just for me to be able to heal, but I still love you Wakatoshi, please don't forget that."

His arms surrounded your waist, leaning his head against the crook of your neck and nodding, his body shaking slightly "Okay."

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