#i am procrastinating by making this post because its giving me something to do and i feel like if i relax ill be waisting time

[maudiemoods]

Oh so many things to do! I shall sit here and not do any of them because I am overwhelmed!

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

I feel the need to say something. Whether that's because someone might need to hear it, or I just need to get it written down, I don't know and likely never will. Be warned that this post might come across as a little vent-y despite that not being its purpose.

Moral of this post in case you don't want to read it all; the gods are patient. They are kind. Sometimes, in ways you don't expect.

Currently, I am overthinking something. Badly. I can feel it boiling over, and at first I tried to keep it hidden from Loki because I deemed it cringe or bad. Unlovable in some way. (even though I make a point to never label anyone else cringe, this label is often applied to me when I feel self deprecative.)

Eventually I just gave up, because I figured they'd already seen it, and I admit I vented about it. They sat with me and listened, and I could feel that he's just... Distraught. Horrified that I think this part of me is unworthy of existing. He hates that I won't let him help, either.

But the reason I say that the gods are patient is this; I have yet to do a reading about it. I don't allow much in the means of direct communication when I'm talking about it, because I "could just be imagining it" and no matter what stance they take it's either what I want to hear or what I'm afraid of. Both of which I could see myself imagining.

Loki WANTS to help. I can feel him getting antsy, kind of. I almost finally grabbed my cards to do a reading with him tonight, but I'm too tired right now and, admittedly, I'm procrastinating. This is something I am actively beating myself up about, and Loki could absolutely be cruel. They could be my worst fucking nightmare. I know they won't, logically, but emotions are not often logical.

And yet they wait. They're sitting with me right now, I can feel it- and they're going to give me all the time I need. They're a deity, they have all the time in the world. If this were a human friend, and I had vented about this but not been willing to listen to their opinions, I know damn well I would not be given the time I need to prepare myself for that conversation. But Loki isn't human. So they wait until I can pick up those cards and face the fear head-on.

I'm reminded of someone saying that Loki will push you to be far more than you ever knew you could be. I think that's true. But I also think that there's something to say about how patient they are, just... Letting us grow ourselves, walking alongside us while we're fucking terrified, and understanding that these things don't happen overnight.

[valorascult]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 / 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐞 (𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝)

**disclaimer**

I am not against self improvement. Wanting to be the best version of yourself is your birthright. There are a lot of helpful books, ‘gurus’, articles, practices, etc; that are beneficial & have valuable information to share.

That being said, lets move forward.

Many start their ‘self improvement journey’ when they are at their lowest because that’s when you are most aware that something is ‘wrong’ - making you more vulnerable / susceptible to deception & addiction.

It usually starts by reading a book, watching a yt video, etc;. You watch / read one and then continue to consume more, because ‘maybe the next one will finally get me to where i need to be’ - not understanding that this is just another form of entertainment and procrastination.

There is satisfaction after immediately reading a self help book. You have a quick rush of ‘I’ve accomplished something’ (dopamine) - giving you the illusion of progress until you get stuck inside a cycle and realize, nothing has changed.

Sitting behind a screen is not the self improvement you think it is. Is there good knowledge shared? Yes, of course, but the real self improvement starts by actually DOING. Living life will give you more answers than binging content.

Action Faking - ‘the practice of confusing being 'busy' with making actual progress towards an intended goal and often involves a lot of over-analysing and planning, but very little meaningful action.’

Listening to someone talk about their own lives & share their own improvement stories is not going to help YOU. Gurus try to fit everyone into a mold when self improvement is not a ‘one size fits all’ & when something doesn’t work for someone after its worked for others, they usually see themselves as a ‘failure’ so they move onto the next thing that doesn’t fit them & this becomes a pattern, soon they start to build levels of guilt and shame.

Before consuming anything, you should know the specific problem you want to solve, if not, you are coming into something without a strong foundation, soon, you will start to believe there are 500 other things wrong. Don’t get sucked into a black hole.

Also, understand that many other these therapists, psychologists, content creators, etc; all thrive off of people who are at their lowest. It’s important to know when someone really wants to help vs when someone keeps wanting you to come back. The industry is worth billions.

Many have been accustomed to pacifying the silence. Always picking up the phone, turning the tv on, listening to music when there is downtime, instead of tapping into our bodies - their thoughts and feeling have now become distorted & influenced by ‘the noise’.

Fake positivity instead of facing reality is an issue within itself. These ‘positive’ messages / posts about encouragement and ‘never giving up’ convinces you that it’s ‘wrong’ to changes paths / passions in life & you then see yourself as a failure instead of a soul, growing.

With all of that being said, remove yourself from artificial motivation & start doing. I have nothing against self improvement, but I do have an issue with the addictive side of it that seems to only profit a select few.

xoxo,

valora

[losing-dog-art]

I just drafted all of this then lost it I'm going through a wall

Finished murderbot concept!!!

With bonus version with clothes 🎉

I have been making a lot of art lately (this is because I am procrastinating other things 😶)

Explanations below the cut (there was going to be a video but tumblr decided to fuck that)

So I have this old post about some head cannons for MBs appearance, but doing this full body design involved more thinking

I find it interesting that MB really only ever describes it's appearance when it's relevant to the plot/fight/scene, so anything that isn't relevant is left to our imagination. That being said:

MB says all it's inorganic parts are covered by a long sleeve shirt with a collar, pants and shoes. This means no inorganic parts on its face or hands

MB says it has no organic parts on its feet.

Slightly deeper cuts but MB mentions that it has inorganic and organic parts around its knees (I believe in exit strategy) and that it has an accessible company under its ribs (artificial condition)

People are often surprised when they see MB out of armor -- people who aren't familiar with secunits don't expect it to look as human as it does

MBs skin is canonically clear af (network effect I think)

Based on those handful of canon details, you can imagine Mb a lot of different ways -- this is great! And I've said before I think Martha Wells does this very much intentionally. So, that being said, here is some of my thoughts in this interpretation:

Based on that last point, MB looks surprisingly human. For me, this means soft facial features, eyelashes, and more organic parts than you might expect. Also, the inorganic parts are also round and nice looking -- this is partly just me thinking in a fun sci-fi way but also secunits are designed to be comforting

I've seen some people give it mechanical legs that are kind of bird-like or resemble running prosthetics. I think this is super cool and it makes a lot of sense-- those legs are basically a better form of bipedalism and let you run faster etc. BUT they would significantly change your gait. And thus be something MB considers when it is trying to pass as human. So I gave it more human feet, with the important toes and everything

I'm no expert on robotics or anatomy, but I really tried to think a little bit functionally. How would a secunit fold? How would it bend over, squat down, etc? I tried to give the look of some kind of shock system in the ankles, and conical-axis based joints. the hip area is probably the weak point in my design in this areas, idk, imagine ball bearings or something

For clothes, it's pretty straightforward. MB describes this more than a few times, but I tried to give some slightly fun sci-fi decoration bits

I tried to think about how androgyny might be generated in a silhouette in an unintentional way -- androgyny that is the result of functional design decisions and not aesthetic ones.

Idk. I had a lot of fun with this. This took about 4 hours (I've been trying not to overwork stuff lately and let the process show through) I might try and post the speed-draw video later? As a reblog perhaps. Idk Tumblr didn't like it the first time

Also a girl on bumble mentioned reading all systems red and I had to act so normal

[astroyongie]

Why Am I This Way - Psychology Answers

Note: hey guys! This will be a little series post mainly based on psychology. In order for me to congratulate myself for finally achieving my masters in clinical psychology I have decided to create these mini posts that will contain different questions that we often ask ourselves. In these questions I will provide psychological answers in which they will hopefully bring you a sense of understanding on yourself! Enjoy!

Note 2: This first Why Am I This Way will be based on the “How Am I” Section. Other sessions will include “Why do I behave this way?”, “How Others see me”, “What's Happening” and “How can I get better?”

This section will have the following parts: “I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”; “I love to be alone.. am I weird?”; “Why do I procrastinate so much’”; “ Am I really a good person?”; “ I was just joking!”, “Why does it always happen to me?”, “Why do I hate working so much?” and “Should I be more egocentric?” 

With that said, let's dive into it! 

“How Am I” Section

“I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”

What happens in the unconscious brain: 

Based on Freud’s work, these type of questions that overwhelm us are usually thoughts linked with pent up guilt that is unconsciously working its way out

One thing is clear. Often, we don't realize the things that we think and we don't always understand our actions and our behaviors. When we stop to reflect on it, we are usually stuck in a sense of guilt for doing things that are against our values and morals and yet we cannot understand why we have done things that way. 

Based on the most known theories of Freud, the ID and the superego (based on ID, EGO and SUPEREGO Theory) are actually the ones that are behind these guilty feelings of  “should i do this or not, even if i know that i will regret it later”. 

ID is the mind that is first formed when we are born. It is something rigid on our unconscious, something that is based on the principle of pleasure. The ID is constantly seeking gratification and pleasure in order to smooth our anguish within one self.

The superEgo is different, it is the last thing that is formatted in the unconscious (after the Ego) and it works on the principle of the world’s rules. Basically it is a part of us that comprehends the world around us and it tries to follow the rules and the interdictions that were instructed when we were younger. 

Now this is why many of us struggles with this. Having craving desires about something, and that guilty feeling coming from the Superego because we have internalized that what we want is wrong. 

Someone that has had a harsh childhood, who has been neglected or has seen their rules being too strict will often struggle with this, because they need to have their ID smoothed but they cannot bear the guilt. 

This is what happens: ID wants to be fed with something comforting. Chocolate! so it stays in your head “let's have chocolate!” and the superego will whiplash right after “are you crazy? Having chocolate? you cant even fit in your pants and you want chocolate! you should be ashamed of yourself!”

This is basically how overthinking your worth will work, how one often develops Eating disorders for example or bad relationships with food, but this also happens with social relationships, addictions and any reward system. 

The fear of the outside world usually unleashed that overwhelming anxiety that will after turn into guilt if you give in to your ID or it turns into restrictive punishment if you follow the Superego. 

Many of us will put so much effort into controlling impulsive destructive thoughts  and behaviors in order to muffle the critics of Superego but that often results in depression, anxiety and an affinity with other psychological problems. 

So what can we do?

understand where those desires come from. If your ID is making you crave something, either food, social contact, a new dress, a new drink or anything that it is, ask yourself where this feeling comes from? Are you bored? are you sad? are you upset? Are you overly excited? understanding that process and allowing yourself not to be psychorigid is already a big improvement. find balance between rewarding yourself and being true to your rules. Also stop punishing yourself, You have done nothing wrong. You deserve to be happy and smoothed the same way you deserve to go beyond your addictions

Understand in which you fall. If you are the type to crave in in your desires it means these possibilities: Early trauma ou neglect, environmental stressors, maladaptive coping mechanism,, substance abuse, personality disorders, lack of emotional regulation skills and cultural and social influences 

If you fall in the fragil superego, if you are too strict with yourself, it means these possibilities: weak parental influence, traumatic experience, overly harsh and permissive parenting, lack of role model, cultural influence, early childhood experiences like rejection and personality disorders. 

For those who have balance between giving in desires and restraining, then congrats! You are a rather healthy being

Now that you know this, you have a start on where to work to become a better version of yourself 

[0oolookitsme]

It's Buzzcut Season, Anyways!

Eeeeekk!!!! Hi Hi everyone!! I hope you are all doing well, here comes the first post of the year! <3

So.. It is my birthday today, and I'm very excited to tell you that I'm introducing to you, another one of my pairings! This a little excerpt from the fic (wip) I'm writing about this chaotic pairing, and I really do hope this gets you as excited about their story, as I am! This was supposed to be up in December but for some reason, I didn't post it?? Anyways, other than that, you shall see more, further on in 2024 :)

Also, shoutout to @cupid-styles and @elioslover for picking my ice hockey!Harry to be the one to get a buzzcut, hahah! My indecisive self (who lowkey wanted you guys to pick him), could've never 💗

All the love always, A.

Verse - NHL Player!Harry x Figure Skater!Y/n (uni era)

Word Count - It's just an excerpt so it's short!

Warnings - None that I can find but if there are any, do tell me and I'll edit them into this!

Y/n is reluctantly trimming Harry's hair when her nose feels funny, and she sneezes. Its good though, that Harry asks for her opinion regarding a change that he would rather appreciate.

Please rb to share! | Masterlist

Y/n sat on her unmade bed, hair unbrushed and messy since she woke up from a 3-hour nap. Her fingers typed away on her laptop, her face showing zero signs of any stress regarding the assignment she's going to have to turn in un-edited.

Probably because of the breakdown she'd had before taking nap. She'd been so stressed that she had drawn blood from her lips and broken two of her nails -- which was rather disappointing to her considering she'd got them done not so long ago in the honour of the upcoming season of winter.

The temperature was still as hot as summer, but half of the world was snowed in, and she wanted the peace of mind that winter brought her; so, she deluded herself into thinking that it was indeed her favourite time of the year.

A silent burp made its way up her throat, as she drank the day-old diet coke she'd been drinking before her meltdown-that-leads-to-an-amazing-nap.

Just as she slurped on the last sip that wasn't anything but melted ice, she heard the door to the flat open and her eyes rose up just in time to catch the sight of a sweaty and out of breath Harry, through the open door of her room.

"Y/n?" He called for her, walking towards her room when she only hummed in response. He passed her an apologetic smile on reaching her doorframe, and she knew he was going to ask something of her that the both of them know she wouldn't be willing to do quite easily.

"I need your help," he grinned at her. "...And Immediately."

She looked at him suspiciously, before deciding to shift her focus back on her assignment, knowing that he would lure her in if she were to continue looking at him.

But Harry was at once kneeling beside the side of bed she was sitting on. With his hands joined, he contorted his face in a way that looked like he was about to cry. "I beg of you, please! If you don't help me right now, my life will be ruined forever!"

Y/n's eyes had fallen into untrusting slits by now as she minimized the document that she had been writing in. "What is it, Harry?" She asked him in a monotonous tone, shutting her laptop as if procrastinating the essay any longer would be a great help.

"Cut my hair."

Instantly her jaw dropped open. Shaking her head, she began reopening her laptop and Harry took a hold of her wrists. "Harry, there's no way!" She yelped as he began making her get off the bed.

"I'm not asking you to give me haircut like Zayn!" He exclaimed, as if that'd ease her. "Just trim it a bit," he shrugged, walking out into the small living-room with Y/n thrashing behind him. She even threw a few hands at him, but he had a feeling that she wasn't as opposed by the idea as she was pretending to.

He pulled out a chair in front of the mirror that, though they had been living in this flat for nearly two months, had yet to be pinned to the wall. "C'mon, you work at a salon -- surely you know how to trim a guy's hair," he teased her, knowing that questioning her abilities would get to her and she'd cut his hair better than any hairdresser ever could.

Looking at her reflection glaring at him through the mirror, he winked at her before bending down to unzip his bag. He pulled out an electric trimmer from inside it and handed it to her, pulling the towel from the coffee table that he had left there earlier in the morning.

Once done draping it over his shoulders, he handed her the trimmer and added a touch of his puppy-dog eyes even though he knew they simply don't work on her.

"Okay. If you end up bald, don't complain then," she grumbled before running her hand through his hair. "Is this sweat or did you wash your hair after practice?" Her face was already contorted in disgust, like she knew he surely couldn't have done the latter.

"Don't you worry, I washed it after practice," he assured her, looking at her as if she should appreciate him.

She turned on the trimmer and held his hair in sections by one of her hands. "Why didn't you go to a salon?" She asked him, trimming the hair on his sides with her mouth parted.

Harry shrugged and immediately retorted when Y/n shrieked, mumbling an apology. "The salon's too far. I don't have the time to get there; got a handful of assignments to turn in before midnight." He told her. "And I mean, saving some money never hurt anyone."

"You do realize that I've put doing my assignment on pause to do this silly shenanigan with you?" Her eyebrows rose up as she fired another question at him. She suppressed a smile when he passed a dimpled-lopsided grin to her. "God, I hate you," she said, and a smile slipped on her lips as she moved to the other side to trim the rest of his hair.

She had no reason to be doing a parttime job at a salon, it wasn't going to help her in the future in any way, but it did help her in the present with its money. The money she got by being apprenticed to a dance company went straight into the flat-bills and some other necessary purchases that she couldn't avoid.

But she wasn't complaining about it. Living among frat people was a nightmare for her. She did have fun with people but being a clean-freak and a morning person didn't match well with the frats. They did love her dearly, but when Harry came in asking if someone would be willing to be his flat mate, everyone had chanted for Y/n. And, when he asked Y/n at the rink, she had quite literally jumped at the opportunity and in the joy of the moment, hugged Harry with a tight grip that still had his heartbeat rise whenever he thought about it.

With her touching his hair, Harry's heart was beating so hard in his chest that he was afraid it was going to break a rib. His eyes never once left her reflection in the mirror, not with the way she was being so careful and serious. Her lips had parted without her knowing, and she wasn't even blinking often enough.

That was when Harry saw a hair-strand fall in her face, and her face scrunch up in a way it does when she's about to sneeze. He saw as she turned to sneeze in her elbow -- a habit that she still hadn't gotten rid of. He shifted his gaze down on his hands in his lap, to prevent her catching him staring at her.

When Y/n caught her breath after the sneeze, her eyes grew wide. Her hand began shaking as she brought the other hand to cover her mouth, looking at his head in horror. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or begin spewing apologies and decided on the latter one.

But as she opened her mouth, Harry looked at her. "Should I just buzz it off?" He questioned her and thought that she had paled at the thought of him going bald. "I mean, the match season is finally over. I don't have anything to do but study, do my parttime and of course practice hockey." He shrugged explaining his point of view, looking at her to help him decided.

"S-sure! I mean, you'd look good with any-any type of haircut." She was shaking and stuttering, but Harry was too lost in his train of thoughts to question her. "A-and its buzzcut season, anyways!"

That seemed to be helpful for Harry. He smiled at her, "Shave it off, then. I'm basically on vacation from tomorrow... and I guess I'd really appreciate a change like this!" He was back to grinning and Y/n's sweat was beginning to cool off.

She imagined sitting with Harry on a sofa on some ordinary-night with her feet in his lap like he were her closest friend and telling him about today -- a movie playing on the lowest volume possible in the background. She stopped herself before she could get lost thinking about his reaction and mess up even his buzzcut.

[huellitaa]

hello hello huelittaa 👋✨ do u have any tips for someone struggling with motivation to workout? or even to take a simple walk? thank uu 🤍

bee's physical activity handbook: motive 🎀 . ݁₊ ⊹

hiiii ml!!!!!!!! 🫶🏻🩷💗 sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days BUT IM HERE NOW !!!!! honestly this is something i also struggle with myself ,, i am still recovering from depression personally so this is still difficult for me sometimes too but these are some things i do !!!! ♡

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 1. prepare urself for the possibility

so since i know i have this problem a lot, it helps me to be prepared for this in advance. i actually have a whole notion page filled with a table of letters to myself in specific situations i find myself in a lot, this included, and have a whole archived stored of cute photos and motivation and things like articles and videos and tumblr posts on the main page and in the letters that make me wanna get up and do shit and its my LIFESAVER. (should i make a post on this?)

but i'd suggest to keep a note or page or document , physical or digital, filled with just motivation for this specific thing, like things you like about it, photos romanticising working out or going outside, songs that motivate you, etc etc etc. the list goes on but you get the point ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 2. detective chapter: analysis! ♡

figure out why you dont want to. this is the main thing that helps me and its so simple but once u figure out the root u figure out the rest and this applies just the same here too. is it laziness? mental health? exhaustion? overworking? burnout? you won't be able to continue until you haven't found the actual problem. it's like trying to travel with no path to travel on.

💭𓂃 ࣪˖ 3. pep talk!

one thing i do that helps me the most is literally just lay in bed or wherever you are where ur procrastinating and thinking about this over and over and going back and forth whether to do it or not is to force the thoughts out (literally. u can envision it if it helps!) and deadass bully myself into doing it 😭😭

(🗒🎀 note: i've also found it helps for some people to do this in the mirror, just so ur face to face w urself as it were. plus u get to admire urself at the same time so its a win all around)

if ur not into harsh motivation, another thing i love, esp when im not feeling great enough to deal w harsh motivation is pretend ur giving advice to a friend or ur child in this position. this is one of the greatest pieces of advice ive ever gotten i literally cannot stress this enough. do this‼️ p.s. you can do this in ur head or out loud. i usually do some mix of both because i am a professional at talking to myself constantly literally all the time

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 4. use gratitude in ur favour!

one thing i like to do is essentially guilt trip myself into doing it. erm. you can also call this gratitude it sounds a lot better. think of how grateful you are to even have the opportunity to go outside safely to go for a walk, to be able to work out and keep urself healthy, because there's always someone who's not going to be able to do those things. it is a privilege to live your life and this should be classed as one too.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 5. all about the outlook

another thing i love that falls into the category of motivation is treating it as an act of love and luxury rather than a chore and changing ur outlook on it. for example,

"oh, i have to do this or i'm a failure" or "i really don't want to do it today"

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ into...

"i deserve to do this for myself because i deserve to be taken care of and kept in good health."

and i find this makes me so much more open to it because you do deserve it.

🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ 6. romanticism; obviously!

okayyyy i know you hear this EVERYWHERE but ‼️its‼️because‼️its true‼️ romanticism is my LIFE not a day goes by where i dont act like im a silly girl in a pink girly shoujo world, and i do this even more so when i dont wanna get up and do simple tasks like this.

some things that give me motivation via romanticism is getting dressed up and cute even if i'm just going for a walk and listening to music and appreciating the world (🗒🎀 note: i love taking pictures or going on different routes whenever i go for walks! it makes the experience so much sweeter and more enjoyable ♡), or putting on cute clothes, loud music and grabbing a pretty waterbottle and hyping myself up to do even just 10 mins of pilates because something is always better than nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 7. something is better than nothing

with the last note from my previous point in mind, try and always do just a little bit, even if it's not the amount you intended. say you wanted to workout for 20 minutes every day, but you really weren't feeling it today? do 10 instead. this way ur still doing something. we always have tomorrow. take it at ur own pace. you wanted to go running every day? just go for a walk. you can always try again. there is no limit on how many attempts you have with these things. this is always better than just doing nothing at all. this is basically finding the middle ground when you do these things. which leads me onto my final point ,,♡

✨️𓂃 ࣪˖ 8. finding the middle ground

the no.1 thing in all of this is please don't beat urself up for it if you don't feel like it sometimes, but still keep to it as best as possible. say for example you really didn't want to one day but you had no real reason not to, you should still do it. but if your emotional or physical health or anything like that is in a bad place right now, then allow urself to skip for a day or two. dont beat urself up over it, but keep to it when and where you can because i know its difficult sometimes ♡

all my love, and u got this!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🫶🏻💬💗🎀

[fixing-bad-posts]

I looked around and didn't see anything about this on your blog but I apologize if I missed it.

I was wondering, what does doing the work behind this blog...feel like? I guess what I'm asking is if it does anything to you. Like, I had a thought. For a flash, I imagined you as Butters from South Park in that episode where he is tasked with filtering out all the negative comments on Cartman's social media. It ended up really messing with Butters, what with him having to see all that negativity.

You're definitely not being affected to that extreme, I assume, but I wonder if you would have anything to say about the process of finding these negative posts and reading them several times to edit them. Has it exposed you to unpleasantness that you wouldn't have otherwise seen? Or is there perhaps a kind of catharsis in editing such filth?

I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Maybe I'm also asking about your process. I just think what you're doing is neat and would love to hear about your experience with it.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have plenty of reasons to feel joy <3

oh boy, i love talking about myself haha—so thank you for giving me an excuse to do so! i have answered similar questions in the past, though never at length. every once in a while, someone pops into the inbox to ask about my mental health (which, rest assured, is just fine—i don’t put this blog’s operation above anything; it’s honestly pretty low on my list of life-priorities), and it’s always quite sweet. having a mob of strangers following one’s sideblog has its perks: one being that sometimes parasociality results in some well wishes, kind thoughts, and general goodwill. which is very nice, and probably an unearned vanity-boost for my ego.

what does the work behind this blog feel like? in turns: mundane, challenging, vindicating, annoying, amusing… and probably other things that i’m forgetting. most of the work i do on this blog is actually me procrastinating! i am a certified adult with a job™, and i’m definitely guilty of slacking off at work sometimes to queue posts submissions from my inbox, which is more fun than like… proofreading financial documents and making spreadsheets. other times, i’m sitting in a café with my partner, and allegedly i’m “writing” fanfiction. but, uh, if you know any writers, you know that sometimes “writing” means, ‘looking at a blinking cursor’. so it’s in those moments that i open up tumblr and start writing image descriptions and adding tags to prep posts for my queue. that’s mainly when the blog feels mundane.

something that i think helps me avoid negative doomscroll-spirals is that i don’t actively seek out bad posts for this blog. being a citizen of the internet delivers fodder to me naturally. that, and running a semi-popular sideblog on tumblr. when i see a bad post in the wild, that’s when the feeling is annoying/challenging. challenging, because ever since starting this sideblog, hateful posts don’t feel as vicious to me. once i see them, they stop being posts and turn into word-puzzles. and i love word puzzles!

solving the word puzzle is amusing for me, as is getting to look at my resulting “blackout poem.” it makes me laugh, it stretches my brain. when i started, i used to have to read a post several times to find the ‘good post within the bad post’ so to speak. these days, i’m so used to it, i barely read the bad posts more than a handful of times. but as i was saying to my partner, one of the reasons i love found poetry (erasure poetry, and cut-up poetry) is that it uses the same part of my brain that loves scrabble (the board game). then, of course, it's vindicating to see my posts get so many notes, sometimes surpassing the original bad post. that's more of my own vanity, i'm sure.

as for the last part of your message: yes, i have plenty of reasons to feel joy. i work with people who respect me, i live walking distance from a bubble tea café, and have friends and family whom i love. i have the good fortune to be safely out as a queer person. i’m a fanbinder. i’m currently working on a long fanfiction which is getting some very nice comments on ao3. and i’ve recently decided to become a poet (like, for real).

i must admit, i’m fascinated by how you imagine me. i often wonder how i am perceived, especially because i keep many cards close to my chest here on my sideblog.

anyhow, thank you for this excuse to ramble about myself and the process of running this blog. i hope you also have plenty of reasons to feel joy 💛

[convenientalias]

Ranking Every Park Sung-woong Movie I've Watched

This year, deep in a Park Sung-woong obsession haze, I set out to watch a bunch of Park Sung-woong movies, wondering if I could rank all the movies he was ever in. I did not end up watching all his movies. I did, however, watch 15. So today I am finally going to rank the 15 I did watch so that people will know what movies of his are worth watching and which are less so, and you will not have to strike out blindly like I did.

(Notable absence: I haven't watched The Dude In Me, I'm sorry. Yes, he did win an award for it, and I mean to watch it someday. I just haven't gotten around to it yet and I didn't want to procrastinate this post any longer when I have no idea when I will.

If there are other great PSW movies I've missed, feel free to recommend them!)

So.

Starting with the worst.

15. The Closet (2020)

This is the worst movie I watched this summer for Park Sung-woong purposes. It's a bad movie in and of itself; it's a not very thrilling thriller, and the main characters aren't likeable or interesting. However, PSW's role in it is worse. He's in about three scenes and in one of them he's killed like two seconds in. Also his worst death scene I've seen.

However, he was pretty creepy in a flashback, featuring that classic menacing PSW smile. So I'll give him that.

14. A Man of Reason (2023)

I wanted to rank this movie lowest purely because of the haircut, but I had to be just. It IS a bad haircut, to be clear. And it's not impossible to make Park Sung-woong look good in long hair (see: A Friend In Need). I guess they wanted to change up his typical cold, clean cut gangster look typified in A New World, but if this is where you were going with it...

Anyway, maybe I could forgive the haircut if PSW's role was actually good in this movie, but instead he's given a few ominous scenes as a gang leader and then one of his underlings basically takes over the plot and he only appears once ever again for the rest of the movie. He Does Not Matter. This is a movie for fans of Jung Woo-sung or Kim Nam-gil; they're both pretty good in it. It is not a movie for a fan of Park Sung-woong.

13. Office (2015)

I'm gonna be real with you: I love this movie! And that's saying something bc it's a slasher and I don't really like slashers. Its real strength is its female protagonist, played by Go Ah-sung. Her workplace problems are relatable and tense, and her involvement in the (somewhat supernatural) killings at the office slowly builds in a very satisfying manner. As a thriller, absolutely recommend.

As a Park Sung-woong movie, though, eh. PSW's character is a cop. He's there to investigate crimes and provide an outsider perspective, but while he's billed as a main character, he doesn't really matter much to the plot. And PSW plays him very straight, little of his signature style coming through. I don't dislike the character but I think pretty much any middle aged man could have acted it equally well. However, good for PSW playing a leading non-villainous role in 2015--at that point he was definitely still fighting the villain typecast (by now, he still does play villains of course but he also has a fair share of protagonist roles under his belt; at this point in his career, less so, at least in cinema).

12. The Tooth and the Nail (2017)

Primarily, Park Sung-woong's role in this movie is as a framing device: he's a prosecuting attorney presenting a complicated case of murder and revenge. He is not at all the main character, but you do still root for him, and he has a lot of smarmy charm. And he's a bit of a deuteragonist in his own way: while the main character fights a battle of revenge in the main plot, PSW drives the action in the courtroom and keeps things from getting boring in parts of the plot that could otherwise come across as drily procedural.

11. The Wild (2023)

Park Sung-woong is actually the lead in this movie. It's just not a good movie.

He's a washed up boxer, previously involved in a gang and now trying to disentangle himself. (But honestly, not trying that hard.) He becomes interested in a woman, a sex worker at a club run by the gang, and tries to protect her. Meanwhile all the gang allegiances become a hot mess.

There are some good fight scenes in this, and there's a LOT of Park Sung-woong to watch. But his character feels a bit wobbly--like, I never totally got what was driving him. Sometimes it would seem to be one thing, sometimes another. Too much weight is put on the romance, which has no chemistry to back it up, and not a lot of logical build up either. Sometimes you feel PSW falling back into his typical gangster style, which for this character doesn't make sense; he's not meant to be deeply entrenched or classy the way most PSW gangsters are.

So I don't love this PSW character. But I did enjoy the movie as an easy watch; it's mostly afterwards that I got frustrated by its flaws and all the missed potential.

10. Tabloid Truth (2014)

Here we have the first of the good PSW villains on this list ;) The majority of this movie follows an idol's manager (played by Kim Kang-woo) looking into who spread poisonous rumors about her through the tabloids before her death. Technically the main antagonist of the movie is a shady politician who masterminded everything. HOWEVER. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT GUY. because Park Sung-woong is playing his right hand man, a hitter who threatens, tortures, and kills as needed to keep people quiet and in line for his boss.

Kim Kang-woo and Park Sung-woong have incredible whump chemistry in this movie. Every scene they're in together is tense and menacing. There's finger breaking. There's strangling. It's not too graphic, actually, but PSW definitely comes across as a threat and adds tension to the movie that it otherwise kinda lacks. Some sexy menace. You know.

This movie could rank higher if Park Sung-woong had more screentime. As it is, he dominates through a handful of scenes--I enjoyed watching the movie primarily for him but it's not too high up there on my list of PSW villains.

9. A Friend In Need (2010)

This movie is about a businessman who, in the middle of a midlife crisis, runs into an "old friend" who always used to come save him when he was in trouble when they were kids. Suddenly, the businessman's enemies start turning up dead...

Park Sung-woong, if you hadn't guessed, is the "old friend" (and if you know psychological thrillers, you may guess where that's headed). He is a spooky spooky guy. He's cheerful and friendly, but also commanding and soooo creepy. Also, he has medium-long hair and looks great in it, proving that A Man of Reason HAD NO EXCUSE but I won't go into that right now.

Once again, if PSW had more actual screentime in this movie, it could easily be higher on the list.

8. Ok! Madam (2020)

In this movie, Park Sung-woong plays the husband of a spy (who turns out to be a spy himself). The two are on a train that gets hijacked and have to take down a bunch of enemy agents. It's good action comedy fun.

I do tend to prefer a thriller/ominous PSW to a comedic PSW. However, I also think he can be funnier than this. I always enjoy PSW most in a comedy when he's a little bit understated, maybe even deadpan. This movie is more slapstick and over the top, which I don't think is his strength. However, if you've ever wanted to see PSW play a wife guy, get into fights, and get tied up, it really is a lot of fun.

7. The Deal (2015)

This is the only simple serial killer Park Sung-woong I know of, and he enjoys it. I've seen reviews that say PSW smiled too much in this movie, but I disagree. He has the perfect serial killer smile and he should show it off. He could have smiled the whole movie and that would have been okay with me.

But if you need more than Park Sung-woong smiling in a movie, how about Park Sung-woong Killing People, or Park Sung-woong getting into a fight totally naked in the showers in prison? (I personally think the problem with taking him seriously as a villain in this movie is not the smile but the amount of fanservice.)

6. Live Stream (2023)

After watching The Deal and mostly coming away thirsty, I thought Park Sung-woong couldn't genuinely creep me out anymore. Then I watched Live Stream :(.

Live Stream explores the dark web, focusing on hidden cameras and sexual assault. While there is no actual sexual assault in this movie in the end, it is not a comfortable watch. Park Sung-woong plays a man running a live stream of a sexual assault (which ultimately does not take place, but the movie skates close). It's a movie with a dirty, creepy, tense tone--definitely not for everyone. (If you're interested in watching but want some spoilers to know what to expect, feel free to message me).

Apart from how sheerly creepy Park Sung-woong is in this movie, I have to say it does a good job of maintaining tension with a limited scope. Primarily the movie focuses on just two men, each sitting at a computer screen. And yet, you have to watch it with the sense of watching a train crash; it's not easy to look away. And that speaks to good writing and cinematography, but most of all the acting of both Park Sung-woong and his co-star Park Sun-ho.

I don't think this movie is a fun watch. But it is very well acted.

5. Bear Man (2023)

This movie is so fuckign wholesome and funny. Park Sung-woong plays a dual role of twin bears that have turned into humans, one adopted by friendly scientists and one adopted by a mafia boss who turns him into a human weapon. There's not a ton of plot; it's mostly just a movie of watching Park Sung-woong act kind of like a bear, and that's enough.

Park Sung-woong's characters are both so cute in this movie. The main bear is cheerful and friendly, kind of dumb but gifted with bear strength and super senses. He loves his family and his friends and his neighbors and really just wants to help people out. Meanwhile, the gangster bear has been trained to fight and obey his boss without question, but he obviously just wants love and warmth which he's lacked his whole life. I want to give them the world <3

Remember how I said I preferred more understated comedy for Park Sung-woong? This is more what I meant. It's not actually that understated--there's plenty of physical comedy in PSW catching fish with his hands and teeth, or collapsing into hibernation whenever it's cold. But PSW's characters are fairly grounded; they might be unusual people, and not the smartest, but they act pretty down to earth and even quiet a lot of the time, and PSW doesn't have to over-act to sell the humor of a scene.

It's simply a fun movie.

--

Okay, ever movie after this point is literally trying to kill me in the effort of ranking them. They're simply excellent movies and Park Sung-woong is killing it.

I've reordered it fifty times. So this ranking is how I feel about them right now, but I can't say it's really that definitive.

They're definitely all worth a watch!

4. New World (2013)

This is it. The role that made Park Sung-woong type cast as a classy gangster forever. I wondered before watching it if it could really be that good. The movie in general is slightly better than average gangster fare. Park Sung-woong in this movie? He is that good.

We're talking sinister smiles, shit talking, palling around with the henchmen, threatening to kill a doctor bc your boss is dead, menacing your rivals even from behind bars, dying serenely with a smile on your face style classy gangster. This is some Good Stuff. He isn't even the main character of this movie. He isn't even in the TOP THREE main characters of this movie. And yet, and yet, and yet.

Personally I wished he was in every scene of the movie and also that he won his gang war but you can't always get what you want, especially in Korean gangster movies. Anyway if you've ever wondered, "Is Park Sung-woong in New World really THAT iconic?", yes. Yes he is.

3. For the Emperor (2014)

For the Emperor is like if someone watched New World and they were like, hey, we love that PSW guy playing a classy mafia boss. What if we took that guy and he was still a gang boss but now he's actually got a secret heart of gold and then we gave him a subordinate to have a complicated, possessive, homoerotic relationship with? And there were lots of knife fights and he got whumped and had to be saved like a damsel in distress?

Obviously this is very much up my alley!

I think as a movie, New World may possibly be better. However, in terms of pure dysfunctional slashiness, For the Emperor takes the cake. It also has way more Park Sung-woong in it, as PSW is one of two main characters.

2. Method (2017)

Some of you may have hoped Method would win the ranking purely for being gay. Some of you may not have known Park Sung-woong was ever in a gay movie. Anyway: Yes! Yes, this is the one and only Park Sung-woong BL and I do love it. Yes, I love it partly for the slashiness and gay kisses etc. But there's so much more to Method than just the fact that it's gay. It's also a psychological thriller, and I love the tension and suspense of the second half of the movie just as much as the mellow, gradually building romance of the first.

And I love Park Sung-woong's character. Don't get me wrong: As a person, he's scum. He's cheating on his wife, and pursuing a significantly younger man with no intention of commitment, a younger man who's kind of his mentee and looks up to him as something of an authority figure. But. It is very hot of him to do that. And he's got his own complexities. He's committed to his art to such an extent that he loses himself in it; he's committed to his art to such an extent that it's going to ruin his life.

Also it's just very satisfying to watch him GET WRECKED oh my god. I've watched this movie... maybe 3 times now? 4? and I know I will be watching it again. It's just such a fuckign ride. You gotta.

1. Daemuga: Sorrow and Joy (2022)

And here we have it, folks: My favorite Park Sung-woong movie is Daemuga.

I don't think a lot of people will agree with me on this choice, if only because I don't think a lot of people have WATCHED Daemuga. It's a movie about three shamans who get entangled with an ambitious gangster. Park Sung-woong for once is not playing the gangster. He's a middle aged shaman whose shamanic abilities have failed him, who has become a drunk and starts the movie in prison. Throughout the movie, he has to regain his spiritual powers and find himself again, struggling to return to the person he once was, a successful and well-known shaman. He also is trying to protect a younger woman from the gangster, who wants something from her she's not able to give.

Daemuga is a FUN movie. It is a thriller too, and has some tense scenes, some action scenes--but mostly, we're watching characters explain who they are and watching them interact and grow. I love the swagger of Park Sung-woong's character. He's a has-been, but at least he HAS been, while he's dealing with two shamans who are new to the world of shamanism and lack experience if not talent. He's sometimes pitiful (and intimidated by the gangster villain) and sometimes full of bravado. Even when cowed, he hangs tight to a core of inner strength, the will to protect and to become someone stronger than he currently is. Also in one scene he wears full face paint. I just simply love him. What more can I say?

--

If you disagree with this ranking, I'd be curious to hear yours! Also, this summer I combined my movie watching quest with an attempt to write fanfic for as many of these movies as I could. so if you'd be interested in that, here's a link to that series.

I love Park Sung-woong movies <3

[writing-for-life]

Sandman Master Post and Intro

Hi, I’m so glad you’re here! This started out as a small writing blog but has developed a horrifying (^jk) life of its own over the past two years, so it was about time I just faced the facts:

A Sandman Blog it is!

I organised the links and tags to all my Sandman stuff for you to make it easier to find your way around.

I love getting asks, about analysis, about my fics, prompts or generally just to chat, so see this as an encouragement to slide into my inbox…

[For quick reference:]

[The Ultimate Sandman Character Tag Library]

[The Women of the Sandman Tag Library]

[Sandman Comics: Original Artists Library]

[Sandman Reread (Comics)]

[Sandman Rewatch (Netflix)]

[Sandman S2 News, Casting and Speculation]

[Sandman Reference: How to Collect the Comics, Companion Books, Annotations/Reference Literature etc]

[Sandman Movie Concept Art by Jill Thompson & John Watkiss]

[In Light of Recent Allegations]

Ordered by topics (recommended):

Sandman Meta-Analysis: My literary/conceptual/psychological analyses. I have also written some musical and art metas. You will find further links via all three.

The Sandman Book Club Community: Just follow the link if you’d like to join.

Sandman Fics & Poems: My own work, mostly m/f and f/f canon pairings and OCs, both long fics and shorter works.

I’m also Dream’s Therapist. I think we all agree he needs one.

Sandman Art (general tag that contains all art posts, from fan-art to gif-sets. Separate tag for official Sandman artists. Plus the very few pieces of my own art I’ve ever posted on here).

Sandman March Mania was an event we specifically ran for the comics art lovers, so check it out.

Sparkle Content Curation (a not-quite-serious collection of Dream/Morpheus thirst-trap fan-art and unhinged posts). Please also peruse the tags #contraceptive sparkles, #glitter herpes and #murphy and his cool hat (yes, I am sort of responsible for the #muhulhu tag on here) if this hell-site has left you in a state of being desperate for laughs

A Little Intro…

…and why this blog will keep on existing

Once there was a girl with so many words, so many images, so many songs in her head that had no place to go. So she decided some of them will just go here…

Well, that sounds a bit contrived, but it’s not entirely untrue. Apart from the “girl”-part, because I’m at the younger end of Gen X. Or the “no place to go”-part, because some of my work actually *did* go places. Just not the stuff I decided to put on here…

Which is mostly Sandman stuff right now, let’s be honest (I fell in love with it when I was 16, and it still has a tight grip on me three decades later). And the fact that my blog a wild mix between my metas, my fanfic and a bit of my doodling already shows the pull in different directions I have experienced for most of my life:

I guess I’m just a multi-hyphenate who can’t make up her mind what she wants to do with her life, so she tries to do it all and ends up burned out half of the time.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to publish a few novels under a pen name, and only a select few people know about it. And I intend to keep it that way.

I used to draw much more (mostly pencil and ink), but between working and having a family, something had to give, and if I have to choose, writing always comes first. But I doodle and experiment a lot in Procreate, and it usually helps me when I procrastinate on my writing. I drop the odd drawing in here (like my profile pic), but I don’t see myself as a fine artist, and I’m in perpetual awe of the talent I see on here.

This is just an account for unapologetically being me, with all my hyperfixations—and undoubtedly some pointless shitposts just for fun…

In light of recent happenings, I explained my personal stance and, by extension, why this blog will keep on existing.

[olderthannetfic]

I want to try writing, my kink would be noncon/dubcon so that's what my stories are going to be about but I haven't really written anything before and I just realized in addition to very common reasons for not writing like procrastination and what not, I'm having weird anxiety bullshit about writing on my computer and.... it being tied to my name I guess?(my emotions are confusing and me trying to figuring out what I am afraid of that is making me anxious is exhausting) anyway I think I'm scared or uncomfortable with the idea of someone being able to find what I write on my computer, or a company like google or apple going through my stuff and seeing what I wrote. The idea of writing things like noncon(or just porn honestly) and someone or something could see it and get mad at me or judge me makes my skin crawl. This is definitely irrational especially because I've thought about what I would do if I got a mean comment or something and I'm pretty confident that I would tell the commenter to go fuck themselves. I think the difference would be if I posted something to ao3 even if people hate it, I'm posting it to public and I know that's a chance. The idea of someone seeing something I'm not finished with or is private really freaks me out. It doesn't even have to be porn or even typed! just the idea of trying to be vulnerable and honest in my writing and someone seeing it without my permission gives me goosebumps(and if I am trying to write something to make me horny that is very vulnerable for me. I went through a time where I wouldn't let myself think about stuff that makes me horny because I thought it dirty and wrong and made me gross and a bad person) not going to open that can of worms right now but I was just wondering if you had any advice. It doesn't help that most things I write with are on the "cloud" I use google docs a lot but that makes me very anxious because it would just exist at google forever. I have word on my computer but its through my school and I never paid for and it is attached to my school email so I don't want to do that either. I could hand write everything but honestly that sounds annoying. Wait could I type it in ao3 would that work? The actual answers of this is now that i realized it bring it up with my therapist but I was wondering if you had any thought on where I can write my stories(preferably with a computer) and be confident that's no one is spying on me? Thanks and sorry for the long anon!

--

Well... as you point out, most of this is just emotional stuff for your therapist.

But in terms of security, yeah, I do think the cloud is freaky and we live in the fucking panopticon now. It's not weird to feel surveilled all the time.

For me personally, the convenience and backups are worth it. I use Scrivener + Dropbox for my writing.

But if you want something more secure than google drive, maybe somebody here will have suggestions.

[drifloonz]

Hey bestie✨love your fanfics! May I humbly request a Glitchy Rex x insecure reader? Perhaps autistic too? If not thats cool ✨

im gunna answer this in a bulleted headcanon typa post, which is hopefully fine bc if i write One more fanfic, esp w glitchy i Will explode ( and yes i am still procrastinating on the one i have a draft of. i got two of my back teeth pulled out and am recovering so thats my excuse + its so long and too much writing for me to comprehend rn + I do not have many "new" ideas )

newayz, ofc ofc!! we love our autistic couple

glitchy red x insecure ( and autistic ) reader !

♡ guess who's also autistic. thats right babey its glitchy!!!!!!! he's the ADHDtism creature. along with a lot of other stuff. but rlly whatd u expect. he's a red.

♡ due to this, he'll happily listen in on your rambles or partake in activities that make you happy. you got special interests? he might not understand a word of any of it for some things, but he'll happily listen and intake the info and try to add to the conversation by asking questions. he likes your voice as its an extreme comfort of his, so your rambling is very nice.

♡ i like to imagine before he somehow gets out you twos day to day life when hes still inside of the cartridge is just turning it on and you idly rambling to him while he listens, gives input, and updates you on how he is over there. you are a v comforting presence to him and you give him a reason to want to leave.

♡ he himself would ramble so much abt pokemon to you. my mind is mentally metronoming glitchy hcs between "he would hate a lot of pokemon stuff" or "he would be so autistic abt pokemon" . prob changes depending on the time of day and what he's talking abt specifically, but he does like at least explaining or talking about his whole... living situation in the cartridge, along with pokemon and their stats and whats the best for certain gyms, and strats and stuff like that, along with really obscure facts. he's seen it all and he's seen a bunch of different players playstyles, so it's natural to him to have absorbed that kinda info and be interested in it. competitive mf...

he is literally this image.

♡ if you're ever self-deprecating around him or something of the sort, he's going to verbally attack you with compliments. moreso responding with like "What? That's stupid." and maybe following up with a compliment to the part of yourself you insulted, eg "Your face is the prettiest thing I've set eyes on. It's not ugly." he'll also be sure to kiss around that spot more often and compliment you more often and more casually.

♡ similarly, if anyone insults you intentionally or not he is on their ass, like a fucking rabid guard dog if he was present for when it happened. he'll be yelling at them, or quietly telling them off with like, a simple "Shut up." or something, depending on how bad it is. if you feel bad about it he'll once again try to reassure you that you're perfect the way you are to him and that whoever told you that was scum. he likes to be aggressive and make clever yet insulting quips since he doesn't have much of an outlet for his internal rage, and it also makes him act all cool so he sort of enjoys when somebody is being a dick because it just means he can make you watch him verbally destroy them. and he likes to impress you.

♡ if this happens but its like, prolonged harassment, he is literally going to doxx whoevers being a bitch towards you /hj. moreso, he's going to track them down and try to threaten them so badly that they don't do jack shit to you after that.

♡ i like to think glitchy is constantly moving some part of his body. he's pretty impatient, and will usually resort to thumping his foot quietly or drumming his fingers along a table. stuff like that. he will also often shove his hands in his pockets and play around with the fabric inside of it. give him a stressball, that shit will be popped so quickly. he also likes to idly throw something up in the air and catch it if hes reaallly bored. he usually does this w/ his pokeballs.

♡ this is good in a relationship if you like touch, cuz' glitchy will put his attention on you when hes bored or zoning out, and will instead often touch you or kiss you or talk to you. one of his favorite things is brushing his thumb over your hand, or running his hands through your hair or something.

♡ because you are probably pretty open with your interests to him, finding gifts for you comes pretty easy. he also just has a good natural sense for gift-giving, i'd think. like he subconsciously sees something and goes "oh, maybe you'd like that" in his head. don't ask how he gets these, he probably doesn't have money ( he manipulates his glitchy powers to duplicate the item like missingno, or just straight up teleports it to you/your home or something. likely both. )

♡ he really just thinks your the sweetest thing ever, and also you know a looot of stuff he doesn't. he's new in the real world, so watching you explain very specific things that happen in real life to him fascinates him, genuinely... its another reason why he loves your rambles. he could listen to you explain anything with a lovestruck expression ( ...which is constantly a resting neutral expression with a small smile sometimes, he's not super expressive unless hes mad. )

♡ if you're averse to certain foods or textures, he'll learn that quickly, since he does try to cook for you on occasion... maleeewife.. on first impression to most people that aren't you, he acts like he doesn't really care about you but he really really does - he's just not that expressive a lot of the time and he also is awkward with PDA.

♡ he himself probably gets overwhelmed with or icked out by a lot of food tbh so he eats pretty slowly and also has to gradually get used to certain foods with overwhelming flavors. he's used to literally not eating anything so this makes sense. its also the 'tism tho.

♡ he likes to cuddle while you do any activities you like. its comfy and he gets to see what ur doing. win/win.

♡ he's touchstarved but also hates getting touched suddenly. if you are the same he relates. due to this, early on in the relationship he'll instinctively flinch if you touch him w/o warning probably. but the further u get the more he follows you around like a lovesick puppy yearning for your touch

♡ overall he just loves u soooo sooo much.. you can say literally anything to him and he'll hum and nod and go "Uhhuh." with a small tiny little itty bitty smile on his face... this is where he feels safest. in your arms or holding you in his own while you just talk to him.

[sagethegremlin]

ok so this is kinda rambley and a tad venty but uh yeah long post about my mental state lately ig? idk tldr im gonna get sillier c:

ok so this is weird but i think getting all my thoughts out on a post will help me out through this but anyway i think ive had like really bad anxiety i think? about my fics lately. ive found myself being way too scared about what other people might think of them (way more than the usual voice in the back of my head at least) and i think ive been really scared of i guess no one caring, like the only way someone would care about one of my fics is if its this huge professional thing that means something. ive found myself overhyping or underhyping my wips when i shared them with friends, losing confidence in them entirely even if my friends said something nice, like it was always gonna look stupid so long as it wasnt in my head anymore.

i think the reason these feelings are so frustrating is because something as simple as writing fanfic shouldnt give me this much anxiety, to the point where im losing sleep and procrastinating important things over however good i am at writing something silly thats supposed to be for fun. and it hasnt just been about fanfic either, ive been so scared of how people perceive me online, feeling like i always have to type like im some big blog and constantly being scared of what other people think of me, which is the wrong attitude to have in a fandom space. this is supposed to be fun, and it hasnt been, and i want to change that.

ive really been wanting to say something for i think a few months now. ive noticed how much ive felt like i needed to overhype myself, and just how bad my confidence has been destroyed. theres been a person in my life for a while now that i havent been distancing myself from as much as i should have been, but now i want to try and work on finding ways to enjoy fandom spaces again. im tired of being scared of being expressive and enjoying myself.

im going to start writing more fics that i just enjoy, fucking around and just having fun, and I’ve been starting to doodle a little bit too c: i dont mean to make a post to like say anything big i guess i just kinda wanted to air out my thoughts a little bit (and i do have to admit it feels amazing to just get this all off my chest) but i guess if you read all this i wanna say i love you and i want you to do something good for your mental health today because its so hard to recognize when something is hurting you and even harder to try and fix it especially when it feels impossible but I believe in you and I love you :3

[saintescuderia]

The Artist's Way (pt. 2)

Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity

Maybe it was because there was no Formula 1 this week that it was, well, a ‘bad’ week.

I don’t want to say it was a ‘good’ week or a ‘bad’ week because I could already imagine Julia Cameron telling me ‘no! there is no such thing!’ But I just feel like I really didn’t give it my all this week. For one thing, I broke my streak of writing everyday and after 17 days of posting daily, I decided to instead go two for two and have a big weekend that I’m now paying for on the Monday. Admittedly, that was all an experience unto itself and we shouldn’t negate life’s special moments… but I do feel like shit. 

I knew this week would be a little off because I just felt a little bit off. I was writing for the sake of posting, not actually writing. I think the block was on its way as my nights were staring at my screen half-asleep and willing myself to just put words out so I could tick off today’s March writing! and go to bed. I wasn’t waking up and doing the morning pages. I wasn’t thinking about how nice it was to feel the sun shining. I wasn’t appreciating the little moments or trying something new or reading my affirmations. I wasn’t prioritising any of it. It was just a last minute thing that I tacked on at the end of my day and thought that would be it. 

Even the tasks. I did make time to sit down and go through the tasks and write them down in my journal and reflect on them all… but that it was it. One day out of the seven. One day where I spent a few hours trying to ‘catch up’ on all the little things I should’ve been doing each day. Suffice to say, I felt completely lost and dishevelled.

This is all so ironic because week two is all about recovering a sense of identity and setting boundaries. And given the poetry I was writing this week, there were some big bumps of self-identity occurring (thank you Alice Oseman!) and frank, uncomfortable conversations about boundaries and the people who don’t respect them - who guilt you for setting them in the first place. 

Now I know that not everything is going to fall into place. It won’t just take me one week to figure out who I am as an artist and the boundaries I need to set in place to respect that. That’s a lifelong thing that will extend out beyond even the three months of this The Artist Way journey. However, I do think that I didn’t spend enough time each day considering just what it is I’m actually working towards. That is, there were times where I forgot what I was actually supposed to be doing this for. So, unsurprisingly, I dropped my streak. 

All that being said, it’s not like I’ve kicked the bucket in. I know that this is just one lapse in the journey and that’s what journeys are all about anyway: the ups and the downs that make the path. I know now that I really need to prioritise my writing time and kept it safe and sacred from anything and everything. 

As in, instead of spending an entire evening shopping to look for this one specific Carhartt jacket, maybe go home and write because that’s what I know I should be doing. Especially since it’s online anyway. 

Procrastination is a fire that grows with every breath you give it. 

[cicaklah]

fic author q&a

thank you @the-lady-general for tagging me, I love to procrastinate by doing stuff like this.

1. Why do you write fanfic?

because my brain is a relentless what-if machine and it can't be stopped or tamed. If I wasn't writing it down I'd be losing time just thinking about it, trust me, its far better this way.

and because I love writing, love the fic community, and just love creativity. I've been reading fic literally every single day since I was 11 or 12 and I'm now 38. I'm passionate about the fic writing world and my experience in the 'conventional' writing space has been nothing but anxiety, inferiority and bitterness.

2. Which of your posted stories do you think about the most, even though the story is “finished”?

I don't tend to feel like that about my stories, because I am always up to write sequels or prequels to things, or add stuff onto various universes. I still think often about weibermacht, which is the name of the sex club in my Hitman stories, and one day I will write a proper weibermacht story, but the reason I still think about stories is because they aren't properly finished. I also think a lot about the watch me series because I feel guilty that I never finished it. I have at least another 3 stories in various stages of writing.

I'm planning on doing a WIP amnesty next year (once One Man is finished), and I'm hoping that it will get me to finish some of these things I want to return to, but haven't since.

3. If you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

Use the momentum of being really into something to make more art. Write as much fic as you can, and don't let guilt catch up with you. It doesn't matter if it sucks; you have to love it, and if you love it in the moment, you are going in the right direction.

4. What’s your relationship to fic stats?

As a professional sort-of statistician I adore them, I wish there were more of them, specifically available over time, and also the number of subscriptions to series would help me as someone who writes in that way. BUT: comparison is the thief of joy. My big fic-related breakdown was over constantly comparing myself to the people I thought were my peers. Stats don't tell you why you aren't doing better than someone, and I know from my profession that you can't just assume things from numbers.

5. Is there a pairing or scenario or friendship you miss writing? If so, why? If not, why not?

I miss Stormpilot (Finn/Poe) circa 2017. What a beautiful time. It will never come again, even if we got something to make the ship sail again, the world has changed.

6. What motivates you to write?

Much like the lady general, I am motivated by wanting to tell jokes, or by specific ideas that enter my brain and won't let go. I am motivated to keep going on one man because there are specific stories I need to share with the rest of the class, but I must tell the rest of the story in order to get there. The journey is the point, but so is the punchline.

7. Why do you write for the fandom(s) that you write for?

Star Trek, specifically SNW, is my current blorbo, so I write for myself and my id on that one. Hitman is for the thirsty thirteen and because its OTP. Oxventure is...complicated. I am so very burned out on that fandom. Super Secret RPF pairing is because of my co-conspirators <3. I've also written way, way too many things because Phoenix and I have talked about them and I've then be POSSESSED.

8. If you’re stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

As long as I'm still interested in the project, I do my best to push through. I have the philosophy that a story doesn't really exist until it is published anyway. I do have an abandoned WIP folder, and within that is a folder called 'look I'm never writing these ones'. There are 12 stories in that folder. Meanwhile there are 134 I have yet to give up on, not including the 4 that are currently in progress (not including one man.)

Basically I need another WIP amnesty.

9. What do you wish people knew about comments?

They really are the fuel on the fire. I have finished stories because of comments. I have written entire worlds because of comments. I do my best to answer every single comment, and I try to also leave comments as much as I can. At the same time, I have to, for my own sanity, try not to put too much stock in them, because we have to be self-fuelling machines, we have to be self-raising lazaruses. You have to write for yourself, because if you base everything on other people's opinions, you will die nobody.

10. Maybe there’s a question you wish had been on here. What’s that question (and answer)?

I think the question I'd like to ask is what is your personal greatest fic achievement? Not your most popular story, what was the story that you still look at and go: I will never not be proud of that achievement. Mine is the fact I have published 750,000 words and 130 stories and I still feel like I'm only just getting started. That the perseverance over the last 14 years proves that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I am valuable in a way that matters, and all the doubters of my youth can go fuck themselves forever.

I'm tagging @postalninja, @stickthisbig, @android-and-ale and @alienfuckeronmain and anyone else who wants to do it. lets navel gaze, lads.

[sunstranded]

INTJ: Loneliness

I wonder if I will stand by this as time passes. However, I agree with INTJs rarely ever feel loneliness. In a sense, to be lonely one must yearn for something in the lines of company, belongingness, and being understood.

I just realized how my ESFJ brother had always told me I'm lonely for having two friends. Four if I want to be considerate. A bit more if "friends" mean anyone I remember to call by their name.

Everyone knows this at this point: being alone is not the same as lonely. Growing up with an ESFJ brother I feel like I'm in social interaction bootcamp. So, when I'm out to fend for myself during the earlier years, rarely do I get phased in social settings. I had enough friends every time, which I learned to be not a common fate for all INTJs. But this isn't about social settings or socializing; its about how immune I am to loneliness.

Now that my brother and I don't live in the same household, people saw this as a recipe for loneliness. Yes. For my brother. Not for me. I often feel more energy and feel a lot more productive when I am left to my own devices.

Loneliness would mean I yearn for something; hence feeling lonely is not always the case when someone is alone. I rarely yearn for this thing people in romantic relationships call: companionship. I honestly do not understand people acting desperate to have someone. At least for the people I recall when thinking of that, I feel as though they already have that companionship but they're stuck yearning for something irrelevant or incomprehensible. It leaves them dissatisfied.

INTJs are always told as these busy persons that don't procrastinate ever and consciously plan a contingency plan that when they try to explain to someone else it sounds so perfectly orchestrated they could dominate the world and no one would notice.

I don't really agree with a lot of that. For one; I procrastinate but I argue its productive because I often get the job done and don't waste anyone else's time but my own. I procrastinate to collect myself. For the next; consciously planning is an xSTJ behavior. I cannot plan as if I have a solid itinerary for every hour of every minute. The last one I disagree with are the busy persons. I am preoccupied and always have my hands on the dirt to build my own summit to reach the clouds. However, I am not a busy person. I often give myself free time to just chill or think or... find fun in work.

All of the ones I corrected all lead to an implication. INTJs being busy all the time, have crazy discipline to never procrastinate, and have this even crazier plan. It makes INTJs seem infallible, uptight, negative, and easily dissatisfied. Not that I would deny compliments but I am a simple person with aspirations not expectations.

I am hard to please because I'd rather focus on results and improvement than people pleasing. I do things to get somewhere not to appease onlookers. I have aspirations and make my own steps towards it; I do not wait for stones in a river to float so I may reach an expectation magically.

There's this post that I saw the other day, INTJs being the hardest type to please. All I had to quip was: "At least I am easy to disappoint." I was serious. I am the type to be disappointed even if someone did something well but I picked up an impression that they're trying to fish compliments from me.

One thing the INTJ stereotype got right is the impression that we may or may not have a world domination agenda. It means we have a plan and we use every experience we are exposed to to build into that plan. We have an aspiration with a long term destination. A comprehensive and recognizable end.

It's all similar to loneliness. Low expectations also lower disappointment. I have always been told by my ESFJ brother on how different and aloof I am. I learned very early on that people aspire to be different only to expect that they'll be the same with those who are already different.

Naturally, we are already different. The reasons INTJs are fine being alone and are not lonely: 1) low expectations; 2) clear goals; 3) quick learners; and 4) comfortable in their own skin--- that we are already so different it will be a conscious effort to feel like we belong.

Surely, not all INTJs are the same. The INTJ I hang out with had already told me if there would be an INTJ spectrum we would be at opposite ends. We are so similar that we cannot be the same. It is not just because we are different but mainly because we are distinguishable.