#i am procrastinating by making this post because its giving me something to do and i feel like if i relax ill be waisting time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

scrapplescribbles · 19 days ago

Text

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. IT'S FINALLY HERE!! (intro to Fairfable)

apologies for the wait. i was procrastinating the hobby i use to procrastinate (and still listening to boss fight by doom scroll on repeat bc it is a banger song)

anyway

for those of you who aren't aware, i posted a poll recently to decide which of my wips to start posting content about because i'm indecisive on top of being inexperienced and not knowing how to do this

and Fairfable won!!

which i'm really excited about because i had a good feeling abt this one getting out on the internet

also it makes me happy and is very close to my heart in many ways

SO WHAT IS FAIRFABLE?

imagine a world much like your own but with gargoyle security guards and troll landlords and elves and mermaids and monsters and fae and whatever else you nerds can think of

and as it turns out their problems aren't that different from yours

i said this would be an animated show (2D bc i like cartoons.) it will at some point hopefully, but i fear i can not animate at this point in my life (as in i am supremely bad at it), and i'd like to get a bit better at drawing and work on having a more consistent style before i really get to animating

also im significantly better at traditional art than digital so that's unhelpful but thats mostly an experience thing

oh also i want it to be a musical yeah i didnt mention that before

it was inspired by indie shows i've seen on youtube (largely Hazbin Hotel (yes i know its not a great show but it wasn't all bad either. it was a start and it demonstrated what indie animation is capable of even at its not-best. i am choosing to learn from it and give something better to the world instead of just going "wow guys this shit sucks") bc indie animation in general is so cool and i will support a studio with a dream over a money-hungry giant any day of the week (cough cough fuck you disney cough cough)

so we have a ragtag band of queer mentally ill fantasy creatures becoming roommates cause what the hell

MEET THE CAST!!! (with yapping) (i apologize none of these are in actual color)

Nema (she/her)

the neurodivergent experience but she's a mermaid

the sweetest person you'll ever meet but can on occasion be absolutely savage

kinda shy and a bit odd but can do a good yap once u get to know her (chat shes me)

Nema's visions have been there for as long as she can remember. They've always set her apart. Made her special. She doesn't know where they come from. No one does. But she's always seen things beyond what is possible for anyone else she's ever met.

Oh, the things she would do for them to just go away and let her be normal.

But maybe, if they're pointing her in the right direction—which she has a better feeling about than usual—she can make some friends here.

I was only bullied a little bit as a kid (and I kind of deserved it cause I was lowkey a pick me), but the real problem was the feeling of seemingly arbitrary otherness. Nema is for the neurodivergent kids who never fit in and never really understood why being different was so terrible a crime.

We all know what a classic mermaid looks like. I like it when they're a bit more "mer" and slightly less "maid," though, so she's got more fins and gills and such. She's also got nice huge eyes for seeing in the dark and also accidentally staring at people when she zones out (real, girl, real.) She's a cutie patootie and I love her.

Lynx (she/her)

says who a cat can't be burnt the fuck out?

pushes things off tables when bored

can and will bite if provoked

Lynx is a cat lady with a temper and a bone to pick with capitalism. But she's got shit to do. She doesn't have time to worry about the fact that she hasn't felt refreshed since that one nap she took when she was, like, eleven. Time is moving too fast, and all she's got now is two jobs, a shit ton of of paperwork, and a giant tree full of a bunch of fellow brokies and a faerie—can fae be broke? Lynx doesn't think Shailyn even knows what money is. Whatever. She guesses her new roommates aren't so bad.

ADHD is always depicted in media as this silly quirky "oopsie poopsie I forgot to get toilet paper at the store because I got distracted by a shiny dinosaur balloon" thing (although I probably would do something like that.) As someone who (probably—I'm not diagnosed but I've done my research, and I show a lot of the symptoms) has real struggles related to ADHD, it's important to me to raise awareness for it and other forms of neurodivergence, especially for adults and women with ADHD.

Take one look at any cat and tell me it doesn't have ADHD. And so I give you Lynx.

Zing (pronouns? yeah those r cool lol)

kind of a little shit but gets away with it cause they're cute and they know it

can not spell

favorite pastimes include impulsively texting their ex at 3am and pissing off Lynx

Zing is a shapeshifter who lives to be the center of attention everywhere they go, and that works out pretty well—who wouldn't love them? They go wherever looks the most interesting and do whatever fuels their main character energy—and if that means going to live with with a bunch of randos in an old tree, hell yeah. Besides, the elf guy's hot.

Zing is one of those characters who sounds fun and crowd-pleasing and tropey. That is probably true. But there is a whole lot going on under the surface, and I'll let all that speak for itself.

Also genderfluid representation! Again, something I share with a character and further proof that writing is fancily projecting and each of these characters is a piece of my soul.

Zing likes to experiment with fashion and hairstyles a lot, which is tough to keep up with as far as creating different designs. They're a shapeshifter, though, so of course they take advantage of that. They have giant ears for no other reason than that they can have a bunch of earrings and look super badass. Also I'm really proud of the hands on this drawing. I'm one of those people who don't really use references (I know, I know, but I genuinely just forget to 😭) but somehow I'm not the worst at drawing hands sometimes (this is the one drawing I got to do good hands in. That's why Sal has his hands in his hoodie pocket.)

Small note: shapeshifters in media sometimes piss me off because their limitations are not clearly or consistently set. I, the nerd I am, have thought all of this through. Continuity!! If you'd like to hear more what the limitations of shapeshifting are, let me know and I'll post my nerd stuff.

Shailyn (she/her)

the mom friend

enjoys some good shenanigans but cries when one of her babies' feelings get hurt

does not know how to use a toaster

Shailyn is a Celtic faerie who knows very little about the human world. She barely has any contact with other creatures in her realm, but, so far, she's been content with her occasional tricks and lack of real social interaction outside the circles of the fae. However, that all changes when an intriguing bunch of weirdos move into the old tree on the edge of the forest, and suddenly she's making friends.

Since she's a Celtic faerie, I always include some swirlies and swoopy shapes. Her design has a long way to go (you can probably tell I'm still experimenting), and it's kinda hard to see the details since I don't know what I'm doing. Her branch antler thingies and wing-cloak thing are always there, though. Also since I wanna get her animated, she's gonna have to have a more consistent and minimally confusing design. She's getting there.

Sal (he/him)

never really grew out of his emo phase

done w this shit

somehow the only one everyone else completely trusts in the kitchen

You'd think Sal is the tall, dark, and brooding stereotype. And he kind of is. But that trope pisses me off, so we're doing it realistically and with warmer colors. The man has ✨issues✨ and a very unhealthy dose of generational trauma and we love him. But there's a little something called character growth and development which is really important in this series and basically the whole reason I started writing it.

For his design, obviously he's tall and pointy-eared. He wears a lot of dark colors because of his remaining aforementioned emo phase. There isn't really much else I can say other than the fact that it was way too difficult to make him not wonky. He's not supposed to be wonky. Elves aren't wonky. Whatever.

CONCLUSION

if you have any questions comments or concerns my asks are open and so are comments and i will be happy to yap as much as you'll let me

also bonus post-nema hand

12 notes · View notes

astroyongie · 1 year ago

Text

Why Am I This Way - Psychology Answers

Note: hey guys! This will be a little series post mainly based on psychology. In order for me to congratulate myself for finally achieving my masters in clinical psychology I have decided to create these mini posts that will contain different questions that we often ask ourselves. In these questions I will provide psychological answers in which they will hopefully bring you a sense of understanding on yourself! Enjoy!

Note 2: This first Why Am I This Way will be based on the “How Am I” Section. Other sessions will include “Why do I behave this way?”, “How Others see me”, “What's Happening” and “How can I get better?”

This section will have the following parts: “I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”; “I love to be alone.. am I weird?”; “Why do I procrastinate so much’”; “ Am I really a good person?”; “ I was just joking!”, “Why does it always happen to me?”, “Why do I hate working so much?” and “Should I be more egocentric?”

With that said, let's dive into it!

“How Am I” Section

“I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”

What happens in the unconscious brain:

Based on Freud’s work, these type of questions that overwhelm us are usually thoughts linked with pent up guilt that is unconsciously working its way out

One thing is clear. Often, we don't realize the things that we think and we don't always understand our actions and our behaviors. When we stop to reflect on it, we are usually stuck in a sense of guilt for doing things that are against our values and morals and yet we cannot understand why we have done things that way.

Based on the most known theories of Freud, the ID and the superego (based on ID, EGO and SUPEREGO Theory) are actually the ones that are behind these guilty feelings of “should i do this or not, even if i know that i will regret it later”.

ID is the mind that is first formed when we are born. It is something rigid on our unconscious, something that is based on the principle of pleasure. The ID is constantly seeking gratification and pleasure in order to smooth our anguish within one self.

The superEgo is different, it is the last thing that is formatted in the unconscious (after the Ego) and it works on the principle of the world’s rules. Basically it is a part of us that comprehends the world around us and it tries to follow the rules and the interdictions that were instructed when we were younger.

Now this is why many of us struggles with this. Having craving desires about something, and that guilty feeling coming from the Superego because we have internalized that what we want is wrong.

Someone that has had a harsh childhood, who has been neglected or has seen their rules being too strict will often struggle with this, because they need to have their ID smoothed but they cannot bear the guilt.

This is what happens: ID wants to be fed with something comforting. Chocolate! so it stays in your head “let's have chocolate!” and the superego will whiplash right after “are you crazy? Having chocolate? you cant even fit in your pants and you want chocolate! you should be ashamed of yourself!”

This is basically how overthinking your worth will work, how one often develops Eating disorders for example or bad relationships with food, but this also happens with social relationships, addictions and any reward system.

The fear of the outside world usually unleashed that overwhelming anxiety that will after turn into guilt if you give in to your ID or it turns into restrictive punishment if you follow the Superego.

Many of us will put so much effort into controlling impulsive destructive thoughts and behaviors in order to muffle the critics of Superego but that often results in depression, anxiety and an affinity with other psychological problems.

So what can we do?

understand where those desires come from. If your ID is making you crave something, either food, social contact, a new dress, a new drink or anything that it is, ask yourself where this feeling comes from? Are you bored? are you sad? are you upset? Are you overly excited? understanding that process and allowing yourself not to be psychorigid is already a big improvement. find balance between rewarding yourself and being true to your rules. Also stop punishing yourself, You have done nothing wrong. You deserve to be happy and smoothed the same way you deserve to go beyond your addictions

Understand in which you fall. If you are the type to crave in in your desires it means these possibilities: Early trauma ou neglect, environmental stressors, maladaptive coping mechanism,, substance abuse, personality disorders, lack of emotional regulation skills and cultural and social influences

If you fall in the fragil superego, if you are too strict with yourself, it means these possibilities: weak parental influence, traumatic experience, overly harsh and permissive parenting, lack of role model, cultural influence, early childhood experiences like rejection and personality disorders.

For those who have balance between giving in desires and restraining, then congrats! You are a rather healthy being

Now that you know this, you have a start on where to work to become a better version of yourself

#psychology #psychology facts #psychology notes #psychanalyse #self help

74 notes · View notes

huellitaa · 8 months ago

Note

hello hello huelittaa 👋✨ do u have any tips for someone struggling with motivation to workout? or even to take a simple walk? thank uu 🤍

bee's physical activity handbook: motive 🎀 . ݁₊ ⊹

hiiii ml!!!!!!!! 🫶🏻🩷💗 sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days BUT IM HERE NOW !!!!! honestly this is something i also struggle with myself ,, i am still recovering from depression personally so this is still difficult for me sometimes too but these are some things i do !!!! ♡

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 1. prepare urself for the possibility

so since i know i have this problem a lot, it helps me to be prepared for this in advance. i actually have a whole notion page filled with a table of letters to myself in specific situations i find myself in a lot, this included, and have a whole archived stored of cute photos and motivation and things like articles and videos and tumblr posts on the main page and in the letters that make me wanna get up and do shit and its my LIFESAVER. (should i make a post on this?)

but i'd suggest to keep a note or page or document , physical or digital, filled with just motivation for this specific thing, like things you like about it, photos romanticising working out or going outside, songs that motivate you, etc etc etc. the list goes on but you get the point ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 2. detective chapter: analysis! ♡

figure out why you dont want to. this is the main thing that helps me and its so simple but once u figure out the root u figure out the rest and this applies just the same here too. is it laziness? mental health? exhaustion? overworking? burnout? you won't be able to continue until you haven't found the actual problem. it's like trying to travel with no path to travel on.

💭𓂃 ࣪˖ 3. pep talk!

one thing i do that helps me the most is literally just lay in bed or wherever you are where ur procrastinating and thinking about this over and over and going back and forth whether to do it or not is to force the thoughts out (literally. u can envision it if it helps!) and deadass bully myself into doing it 😭😭

(🗒🎀 note: i've also found it helps for some people to do this in the mirror, just so ur face to face w urself as it were. plus u get to admire urself at the same time so its a win all around)

if ur not into harsh motivation, another thing i love, esp when im not feeling great enough to deal w harsh motivation is pretend ur giving advice to a friend or ur child in this position. this is one of the greatest pieces of advice ive ever gotten i literally cannot stress this enough. do this‼️ p.s. you can do this in ur head or out loud. i usually do some mix of both because i am a professional at talking to myself constantly literally all the time

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 4. use gratitude in ur favour!

one thing i like to do is essentially guilt trip myself into doing it. erm. you can also call this gratitude it sounds a lot better. think of how grateful you are to even have the opportunity to go outside safely to go for a walk, to be able to work out and keep urself healthy, because there's always someone who's not going to be able to do those things. it is a privilege to live your life and this should be classed as one too.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 5. all about the outlook

another thing i love that falls into the category of motivation is treating it as an act of love and luxury rather than a chore and changing ur outlook on it. for example,

"oh, i have to do this or i'm a failure" or "i really don't want to do it today"

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ into...

"i deserve to do this for myself because i deserve to be taken care of and kept in good health."

and i find this makes me so much more open to it because you do deserve it.

🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ 6. romanticism; obviously!

okayyyy i know you hear this EVERYWHERE but ‼️its‼️because‼️its true‼️ romanticism is my LIFE not a day goes by where i dont act like im a silly girl in a pink girly shoujo world, and i do this even more so when i dont wanna get up and do simple tasks like this.

some things that give me motivation via romanticism is getting dressed up and cute even if i'm just going for a walk and listening to music and appreciating the world (🗒🎀 note: i love taking pictures or going on different routes whenever i go for walks! it makes the experience so much sweeter and more enjoyable ♡), or putting on cute clothes, loud music and grabbing a pretty waterbottle and hyping myself up to do even just 10 mins of pilates because something is always better than nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 7. something is better than nothing

with the last note from my previous point in mind, try and always do just a little bit, even if it's not the amount you intended. say you wanted to workout for 20 minutes every day, but you really weren't feeling it today? do 10 instead. this way ur still doing something. we always have tomorrow. take it at ur own pace. you wanted to go running every day? just go for a walk. you can always try again. there is no limit on how many attempts you have with these things. this is always better than just doing nothing at all. this is basically finding the middle ground when you do these things. which leads me onto my final point ,,♡

✨️𓂃 ࣪˖ 8. finding the middle ground

the no.1 thing in all of this is please don't beat urself up for it if you don't feel like it sometimes, but still keep to it as best as possible. say for example you really didn't want to one day but you had no real reason not to, you should still do it. but if your emotional or physical health or anything like that is in a bad place right now, then allow urself to skip for a day or two. dont beat urself up over it, but keep to it when and where you can because i know its difficult sometimes ♡

all my love, and u got this!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🫶🏻💬💗🎀

#IMSO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET BACK TO YOU AJDJFKSJFS #anyway. im here now. i hope this helps you i love u #asks ୨𖹭୧ #it girlism ୨𖹭୧

28 notes · View notes

0oolookitsme · 1 year ago

Text

It's Buzzcut Season, Anyways!

Eeeeekk!!!! Hi Hi everyone!! I hope you are all doing well, here comes the first post of the year! <3

So.. It is my birthday today, and I'm very excited to tell you that I'm introducing to you, another one of my pairings! This a little excerpt from the fic (wip) I'm writing about this chaotic pairing, and I really do hope this gets you as excited about their story, as I am! This was supposed to be up in December but for some reason, I didn't post it?? Anyways, other than that, you shall see more, further on in 2024 :)

Also, shoutout to @cupid-styles and @elioslover for picking my ice hockey!Harry to be the one to get a buzzcut, hahah! My indecisive self (who lowkey wanted you guys to pick him), could've never 💗

All the love always, A.

Verse - NHL Player!Harry x Figure Skater!Y/n (uni era)

Word Count - It's just an excerpt so it's short!

Warnings - None that I can find but if there are any, do tell me and I'll edit them into this!

Y/n is reluctantly trimming Harry's hair when her nose feels funny, and she sneezes. Its good though, that Harry asks for her opinion regarding a change that he would rather appreciate.

Please rb to share! | Masterlist

Y/n sat on her unmade bed, hair unbrushed and messy since she woke up from a 3-hour nap. Her fingers typed away on her laptop, her face showing zero signs of any stress regarding the assignment she's going to have to turn in un-edited.

Probably because of the breakdown she'd had before taking nap. She'd been so stressed that she had drawn blood from her lips and broken two of her nails -- which was rather disappointing to her considering she'd got them done not so long ago in the honour of the upcoming season of winter.

The temperature was still as hot as summer, but half of the world was snowed in, and she wanted the peace of mind that winter brought her; so, she deluded herself into thinking that it was indeed her favourite time of the year.

A silent burp made its way up her throat, as she drank the day-old diet coke she'd been drinking before her meltdown-that-leads-to-an-amazing-nap.

Just as she slurped on the last sip that wasn't anything but melted ice, she heard the door to the flat open and her eyes rose up just in time to catch the sight of a sweaty and out of breath Harry, through the open door of her room.

"Y/n?" He called for her, walking towards her room when she only hummed in response. He passed her an apologetic smile on reaching her doorframe, and she knew he was going to ask something of her that the both of them know she wouldn't be willing to do quite easily.

"I need your help," he grinned at her. "...And Immediately."

She looked at him suspiciously, before deciding to shift her focus back on her assignment, knowing that he would lure her in if she were to continue looking at him.

But Harry was at once kneeling beside the side of bed she was sitting on. With his hands joined, he contorted his face in a way that looked like he was about to cry. "I beg of you, please! If you don't help me right now, my life will be ruined forever!"

Y/n's eyes had fallen into untrusting slits by now as she minimized the document that she had been writing in. "What is it, Harry?" She asked him in a monotonous tone, shutting her laptop as if procrastinating the essay any longer would be a great help.

"Cut my hair."

Instantly her jaw dropped open. Shaking her head, she began reopening her laptop and Harry took a hold of her wrists. "Harry, there's no way!" She yelped as he began making her get off the bed.

"I'm not asking you to give me haircut like Zayn!" He exclaimed, as if that'd ease her. "Just trim it a bit," he shrugged, walking out into the small living-room with Y/n thrashing behind him. She even threw a few hands at him, but he had a feeling that she wasn't as opposed by the idea as she was pretending to.

He pulled out a chair in front of the mirror that, though they had been living in this flat for nearly two months, had yet to be pinned to the wall. "C'mon, you work at a salon -- surely you know how to trim a guy's hair," he teased her, knowing that questioning her abilities would get to her and she'd cut his hair better than any hairdresser ever could.

Looking at her reflection glaring at him through the mirror, he winked at her before bending down to unzip his bag. He pulled out an electric trimmer from inside it and handed it to her, pulling the towel from the coffee table that he had left there earlier in the morning.

Once done draping it over his shoulders, he handed her the trimmer and added a touch of his puppy-dog eyes even though he knew they simply don't work on her.

"Okay. If you end up bald, don't complain then," she grumbled before running her hand through his hair. "Is this sweat or did you wash your hair after practice?" Her face was already contorted in disgust, like she knew he surely couldn't have done the latter.

"Don't you worry, I washed it after practice," he assured her, looking at her as if she should appreciate him.

She turned on the trimmer and held his hair in sections by one of her hands. "Why didn't you go to a salon?" She asked him, trimming the hair on his sides with her mouth parted.

Harry shrugged and immediately retorted when Y/n shrieked, mumbling an apology. "The salon's too far. I don't have the time to get there; got a handful of assignments to turn in before midnight." He told her. "And I mean, saving some money never hurt anyone."

"You do realize that I've put doing my assignment on pause to do this silly shenanigan with you?" Her eyebrows rose up as she fired another question at him. She suppressed a smile when he passed a dimpled-lopsided grin to her. "God, I hate you," she said, and a smile slipped on her lips as she moved to the other side to trim the rest of his hair.

She had no reason to be doing a parttime job at a salon, it wasn't going to help her in the future in any way, but it did help her in the present with its money. The money she got by being apprenticed to a dance company went straight into the flat-bills and some other necessary purchases that she couldn't avoid.

But she wasn't complaining about it. Living among frat people was a nightmare for her. She did have fun with people but being a clean-freak and a morning person didn't match well with the frats. They did love her dearly, but when Harry came in asking if someone would be willing to be his flat mate, everyone had chanted for Y/n. And, when he asked Y/n at the rink, she had quite literally jumped at the opportunity and in the joy of the moment, hugged Harry with a tight grip that still had his heartbeat rise whenever he thought about it.

With her touching his hair, Harry's heart was beating so hard in his chest that he was afraid it was going to break a rib. His eyes never once left her reflection in the mirror, not with the way she was being so careful and serious. Her lips had parted without her knowing, and she wasn't even blinking often enough.

That was when Harry saw a hair-strand fall in her face, and her face scrunch up in a way it does when she's about to sneeze. He saw as she turned to sneeze in her elbow -- a habit that she still hadn't gotten rid of. He shifted his gaze down on his hands in his lap, to prevent her catching him staring at her.

When Y/n caught her breath after the sneeze, her eyes grew wide. Her hand began shaking as she brought the other hand to cover her mouth, looking at his head in horror. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or begin spewing apologies and decided on the latter one.

But as she opened her mouth, Harry looked at her. "Should I just buzz it off?" He questioned her and thought that she had paled at the thought of him going bald. "I mean, the match season is finally over. I don't have anything to do but study, do my parttime and of course practice hockey." He shrugged explaining his point of view, looking at her to help him decided.

"S-sure! I mean, you'd look good with any-any type of haircut." She was shaking and stuttering, but Harry was too lost in his train of thoughts to question her. "A-and its buzzcut season, anyways!"

That seemed to be helpful for Harry. He smiled at her, "Shave it off, then. I'm basically on vacation from tomorrow... and I guess I'd really appreciate a change like this!" He was back to grinning and Y/n's sweat was beginning to cool off.

She imagined sitting with Harry on a sofa on some ordinary-night with her feet in his lap like he were her closest friend and telling him about today -- a movie playing on the lowest volume possible in the background. She stopped herself before she could get lost thinking about his reaction and mess up even his buzzcut.

131 notes · View notes

myrskytuuli · 3 months ago

Text

that 1920s Mika Waltari short story that gives Billford energy

well, well, well!

For context you might want to check out this and this post.

For more context:

Mika Waltari is one of Finland's most renoved writers, who wrote long, historical epics, which changed Finland's literary landscape forever. However, before all that, Mika was once 17 years old, and wrote horror-fantasy short stories under a pseudonym Kristian Korppi. Later in life, Mika personally asked Finnish publishers to make sure that the anthology he wrote when he was 17 would never be re-published, nor talked about again. (I get it. I have an FF.net account where are stories I wrote when I was 17, and I would rather die than link them here). It's just that. Uh. One of those stories happens to give HUGE energies which coincidence with TBOB. Which is VERY very funny.

So. You know. After couple peeps showed interest, @boiling-with-rage @qiisevil @artandtalk @whyismangososour @moneyisthebestlawyerinh3ll @sadcabbages @orionskittles @serendark @karikoolzer @urfavouritemistake

I have now decided to piss of Waltari's ghost forever and translated one of the stories into English. No. I have not changed anything to make it more Bill-Cipher-lore compliant. The story... is just...like that.

I think I will also link a translitteration of the original Finnish text here later, just for funsies.

Even if you're not in GF fandom, you might enjoy this as a piece of horror fiction. because...you know... that's what it is.

The Red Triangle

(An excerpt from the diary of law student Sven Hjalmarsson, which was found in a drawer of his writing desk on the day of his untimely demise.)

November 15th

Today, I ended up buying an old, moulding skull, and a Persian dagger. It was a result of a foolish whim, like usual. This morning, I saw an add on the newspaper about an auction, held at the behest of some dead antiques-dealer. They were advertising a large collection of old books, and I decided that I could try and to buy some textbooks they no longer sold at the bookstore.

Instead, I ended up buying a skull. There have been moments I have thought about having one on my desk. During a melancholic mood, I’ve thought how one could deepen my feelings of existentialism. The auction did not have a lot of attendees, so I ended up buying the skull for a bargain. Then I found out that the antiques-dealer had died by his own hand, cutting his own throat open with a Persian dagger, which was also on sale.

Some strange yearning for the fantastic and horrific made me also buy the dagger. Some collector of curiosities tried to out-bid me for it, so the dagger ended up eating up quite a bit of my savings. A foolish whim, as I just said!

Now the skull rests on my writing-desk. Its colour is of a yellowish-grey, in some places a bit greenish, and the empty eye-sockets keep staring at me. My landlady got a good scare when she saw it, but personally I find its presence to be comforting.

The dagger is resting next to the skull. It is quite old. On its handle, there are two smudged topazes embedded in, and the blade is littered with some brownish stains. Might be blood. The blade has been cleaned, but it is dull. I use it as a letter-opener.

I should be studying. For two months now, I’ve done nothing but walk around the town and procrastinate. There are couple lectures which I could attend, but I just do not feel motivated to go.

November 27th

How intolerably shallow and empty life is. Lately, my mind has been plagued by strange, unprecedented thoughts. I wonder, if they are caused by the skull on my desk, or if I am finally succumbing to simple pessimism.

What worth has life, really? What am I? A poor student, with no friends, and no family, aside from couple of distant aunts. I spend my time reading – if I can even manage that – and if I manage to graduate, I will become a judge, or something like that. I will live – for a time; I will exist – for a time; I will spend my time at gentlemen’s clubs or sitting alone in my house with a glass of whisky and a cigar. Eventually I will die and be buried, with couple lines in the newspaper and some acquaintance’s passing though: “Well, seems that now he’s finally died.” Then, nothing. I can’t bring myself to believe in the immortal soul. It simply doesn’t fit into scientific mindset.

Maybe I should get married, have children and continue my family legacy. I just feel put off by the thought. I can’t stand women, least of all my landlady, who wouldn’t be too old, and who has been watching me with those particular eyes. But, oh, how women repulse me when I try to think of them as sexual creatures! Maybe it is some type of hereditary nervous mental affliction.

I believe that our family line will end with me, as old and tired as that line is. Maybe that is where my melancholy originates from. I am pale and weak and get sick often. There must be something wrong with my blood.

I’ve gotten uncommonly fond of the skull. In its hollow eye-sockets, and grim grin, there is something which resonates with my sensibilities. Couple of the molars are still perfectly preserved, and their surfaces are clean and white.

December 1st

Today, one of my friends, the pharmacist, gave me cocaine. We enjoyed it together in his small apartment. For me, it was a first time.

Strange feeling. At first, my entire body and all of its muscles started shaking and my speech started slurring. Pleasure – extraordinary pleasure – was purely spiritual, without anything bodily.

It felt like all of my intelligence had gathered into one concentrated spot. I knew that I was a genius and that I could easily solve equations which had been bothering me for a while.

We enjoyed it as long as it lasted. It is better than alcohol.

December 5th

Last night I was visiting a “woman”.

She was very well put together, dark, passionate, and all her shapes were sensual. Nevertheless, I started feeling put off in the middle of things. As I was helping her undress, I watched my hands perfectly coldly and objectively. That type of dissociation has to be caused by some kind of mental affliction? I’ve never felt anything like that.

As I returned home, all I could feel was numbness. I’ve spent the whole day laying on my bed, smoking cigarettes. My ashtray is full of stumps, and some are already spilling out, but I cannot get myself to get up and empty it out.

The skull is watching me, and it looks like it is mocking me. I wonder if it belonged to a man or a woman? I try to read Baudelaire, but can’t be bothered to focus for even that.

No words in any book will focus.

December 8th

Today it snowed, enough that it will probably stay. Winter has come. I think, that it might have been the damp and dull days of fall, which were making me so paralysed. I have read and written the whole day. The cold air is energizing me. Even if the course books are so very thick.

December 11th

My nose is constantly running, and it feels like it’s burning from the inside. Unpleasant feeling. It’s probably caused by the cocaine. I’ve had to take it often. It vitalises me up and makes me feel alive. When I’m tired and lethargic, I feel like it’s all I want. They do say that it can become dangerous.

Last night I took some, and I couldn’t sleep the whole night. Half-awake-half-asleep, I saw some type of a vision. The skull turned into a head of a living woman. I had never seen her before, even if there was something familiar in her features. The face was smiling at me. It wasn’t a particularly symmetrical face, as there was something wrong with her smile, like it was weirdly crooked and inflexible. Still, I thought that she was very beautiful. Soon, I saw an entire woman forming to sit on my chair at my work-desk. She was wearing a thin, brown-spotted, dress, which showed off her shape clearly. I’ve never seen such comely and well-shaped woman’s body before.

Then, it was as if I was in some unfamiliar room. On the floor lay the body of an elderly, grey-haired man. In his stiffened hand was a dagger, and his throat had been slit open. I saw the opening of his wind-pipe, from which blood was lazily running out. I felt no fear nor had no sense of dread, just a weird tightening feeling around my chest. On the floor, next to the body, the skull laid upside down.

Both dreams were incredibly clear. I’ve never before experienced dreams with such clarity, even if I am a frequent dreamer. In the morning, I thought that I must be thinking of the skull too much, and that it is now invading my imagination and bothering my efforts at studying. I put it inside the desk-drawer, amongst all my old papers. Somehow, doing it made me feel lighter. I’m trying to do my work, but it just won’t take. I’m now laying on my bed, smoking cigarettes.

December 16th

Cocaine is wonderful. I have changed a lot. My soul is full of strange imaginaries. I dream of black flowers and intoxicating, alien, fragrances. It might also because of all the Baudelaire that I’m reading. I have bought a small and narrow table, covered it with a black cloth, and placed the skull on it. I also have metallic ashtray, for burning incenses at evenings in front of the skull: musk, and some other substance, which name I do not know. I got packets of it from a couple of small, stale-smelling, oriental stores. The smell of it is sweet and very intoxicating.

For holidays, I have decided to stay in the city. What would I do in the lonely countryside? Even though, I guess I’m even lonelier here.

Someone new has moved in the apartment on top of me. I have heard her footsteps: They are light, but firm. I feel like I’ve heard them before. I haven’t seen her yet. Some lady – they were talking of her around the dinner table, today.

My landlady was looking at me strangely today. I wonder if there was something off with my looks, or if she has finally noticed my games?

For yes – it is a game. A childish game I play, but it gives me odd satisfaction when I sit in the corner of my sofa, and the alien scents make colourful, oriental pictures bloom in my mind.

I had the sudden thought that the dead man from my dream must have been the antiques-dealer, who committed suicide. Some kind of thought association. After all, the skull is always in front of me.

December 18th

Today, she was at the dinner table. She was wearing a simple, brown-spotted, dress. Her face wasn’t particularly beautiful, but her eyes were dark and set deep in her face. Other side of her mouth was somehow crooked, and didn’t move as she talked.

When she saw me, she twitched unnaturally and stared me straight in the eyes. Then I was sure that I must know her from somewhere. At the table, I was absentminded and did not partake in the conversation.

Only by night did I realise that it was the same woman from my dream. This thought filled me with inexplicable sense of dread. My thoughts continuously return back to her. It might just be because I could hear her footsteps on top of me. As I heard her steps, I could not settle down until I had walked across the floor few times myself too.

The skull looks eerie in the dark. At times, I feel like I’m afraid of it.

December 20th

My pharmacist friend gave me a pretty large amount of cocaine. Now I feel good, but I wish I had some company.

I wonder if that brown-splattered woman would come into my room, if I asked her. It’s not like I know her, or have even talked with her.

But I have had sinful dreams about her.

December 24th

Christmas Eve. My landlady has acquired a Christmas tree. We few, who have nowhere else to go, sat together. Conversation was stiff. Everyone seemed miserable. I had taken a hit of cocaine and was chatting more than the others. Very uncharacteristic for me.

The brown-splattered woman was also there. She was wearing a different dress this time, but it also had brown spots.

Her body truly is spectacular.

I still did not talk with her, but I could feel her thoughts surround me like a rubbery net.

December 29th

Every night, I hear her footsteps above me. I cannot find rest, before from the sounds which her bedframe makes, I know that she too has settled to rest.

On the brick wall opposite from our building, I see the shadow of her window. Yesterday night, I stood by the window, and watched her silhouette. She is wearing a nightgown. Even if I only saw her shadow, I know it’s made of silk and that it has brown spots on it. Strange play of imagination!

When I went to bed and shut out the light, I saw her light also going out the same exact moment. Coincidence?

January 1st

Today, after dinner, we spent a moment together, talking about literature. Her smile is pretty, but the way the other corner stays fixed still, makes it look somehow unnatural.

She came to my room, to borrow one book or another, but after stepping through the doorway, neither of us could anymore remember what it had been. She knew, and I knew, that it had been just an excuse.

As a matter of fact, we did not talk at all, but still I feel like we exchanged many thoughts.

She saw the skull, and said that she likes mystical things.

At that moment, I somehow became convinced that the skull belonged to a woman.

January 10th

She has been to my room often. I have yet to see her rooms. We don’t speak much, as we know each other’s thoughts by instinct.

We have made no agreement, but every night we both stand in front of our respective windows at the same time. I look at her shadow, and I know that she is looking at mine. Usually, our lights shut down simultaneously.

Once, I asked if her nightgown also had brown spots. She admitted that it had. Even if she did not say it, I got the sense that she would like to show me one day.

Today, she examined the skull closely, took from the table the topaz-hilted, Persian dagger. Like she was playing around, she pressed the blade of the dagger against my throat. At that moment, I was reminded of the old antiques-dealer, and I got a strange feeling, but I said nothing about it to her.

I also took hold of the dagger, and placed it against my throat. It was then that I noticed how dull its blade was.

January 12th

She hasn’t visited, but I can still see her shadow from her window every night. Her thoughts fill my life. It’s no longer meaningless. Cocaine has also been energizing me. She knows that I use it. I can feel it, even if she hasn’t said anything. I wonder if it’s noticeable from my outward looks? I have been staring at myself in the mirror, but haven’t noticed anything different. Only my normal paleness, with maybe just a little bit of an odd sheen to it.

I caught myself thinking about the old antiques-dealer. Unnoticed, I had taken his dagger in my hand. I poked at its edge, and wondered what it would feel like to slit my throat with it.

When I realised where my train of thought was going, I shuddered.

If I were to take my own life – and I never will – now I love life, as it has meaning again – I surely would not pick that method. It is gruesome and horrible. I would rather drink poison. Poison would be painless and beautiful. But why even think of such things?

But wouldn’t it be fascinating if I could cut off my own head and put it on the table next to the skull. It would look so amusing. I can almost picture it…

I wonder where these thoughts keep coming from?

January 16th

Today she came again, but she was different from before. Her face was reddish and her eyes were gleaming. Still, I thought I saw something misty in them. We had fun. We laughed and we talked.

I notice myself thinking of her sensually. She knows it too.

January 19th

There was a knife-sharpener at the yard, today. His fingers were blue with cold, and from charity, I allowed him to sharpen my Persian dagger. He deserved those few coins, as now the blade is shiny and sharp. I can just stare at it. It’s like it draws your gaze to it.

I’ve noticed that the skull’s eye-sockets are deep, and I think that it once had dark eyes. On the left corner of its jaw, there is a tiny bump of cartilage.

January 20th

She has spent the whole day playing with the dagger. She asked me, if it wouldn’t look fantastic if her head was resting next to the skull on the table.

I think I will kiss her soon. I cannot hold myself back for long. She could sense my thoughts and gave me an odd smile.

January 24th

I don’t know what to think. Last evening, I took larger than usual dose of cocaine and burned incenses for the skull. Last night, I could not sleep, and instead succumbed to a now already familiar daze. I woke up to moonbeams, and to an impression that all the shadows in my room were quietly moving.

Then she walked in, stepping inside with soundless steps. The moonlight illuminated her slight, well-maintained, bare feet. the sight of those rosy heels woke up all of my senses.

She was wearing a black, silken, shift, which had few brown spots on it. But as she got closer, I realised that those were not normal brown-coloured spots. They shifted between purplish-red and at one time even greenish colours.

She bent over me. I could feel the warmth and scent of her body. The scent was familiar from the black flowers of my delirious dreams. From the opening of her neckline, I could see the shapes of her lovely breasts. Underneath her thin shift, she was entirely naked.

I didn’t know what to think. All the thoughts in my brain condensed into few, scattered points and then melted together. I could not finish a single line of thought. All I could remember from the whole experience were few, scant, sensations.

I could feel the firm roundness of her breasts on my lips, and her blazing body against mine. There was not a single imperfection in her, she was perfect.

I have spent the whole day lounging on my sofa, wondering if last night was real? At least it was an uncommonly lively and clear dream.

I saw her this morning; she looked tired, but didn’t say anything about last night, and made no reference to it with any of her gestures or demeanour. I also said nothing.

--- Now I know it was real. My landlady just popped her head in, and asked if I had banged the doors last night. Her face looked hostile and disapproving. She muttered something unclear…

I came to think that I don’t even know her name yet. The house log-book must have some name, but I’ve become convinced that it is not her real one.

I don’t want to ask, if she doesn’t tell me herself. This mystery satisfies me and engages my imagination.

February 1st

My studies have fallen completely on the wayside. She fills my life entirely. For many days, she has not visited me at all, but for hours and days I can still sit in the corner of the sofa, staring at the skull, and I do not feel lonely, for her thoughts surround me.

I have started to study geometry on my own way. My desire is to be able to draw a certain kind of triangle. I don’t know exactly how it should be, but my mind is restless as long as I cannot do it. I have filled stacks of papers with doodles, but none have been what I wanted. Most probably the idea has come to me from the occultic book of some old alchemists, which I once leafed through. Triangle was a holy shape for them, which embodied magical powers.

When she comes, she comes always exactly at 12 o’clock. I can hear the great clock of the main hall calling, and then she steps into my room. Any later, and I know she won’t come.

Once, she mentioned the date of March 4th. I can’t remember if she said it was her birthday, or something else. It must be a date of some significance, in any case. I am waiting for it with some excitement.

Fourth day of the third month… three times four makes twelve…

February 5th

Together, we have spent the whole day playing around with triangles, and wasted a lot of paper. Before she left, she took a red crayon from her pocket and drew a triangle into the black cloth over the skull-table.

There it is, exactly the triangle I have been struggling with for days. All my senses are excited, as I watch it. The essence of my soul is also a triangle, and exactly like that particular triangle. In some inexplicable way, I know it. It shackles and binds me in some manner. I have examined it. It isn’t even, and one of the angles is rather wide, maybe 110 degrees. Unconsciously, I’ve set the skull right on top of that point.

I wish I had three heads, which I could all set on the points of the triangle. The backs of their heads would touch each other, and the image would be perfect.

in any case, the triangle is wondrous.

February 12th

Last night she came to me again. How wonderful. Even if I was shuddering with sensual pleasure, it was all spiritual hedonism.

She told me to watch the skull. I watched it for a long time. The room was very dark, but I was still filled with strange, but very realistic, vision.

It looked like the red edges of the triangle started glowing in the dark. The skull was still at the point of the triangle and suddenly it looked like she didn’t have a head. It was on the furthest point of the triangle, facing backwards from me. But the point closest to me was empty, and this emptiness made my whole being feel miserable and yearning. Then, that vision disappeared and she kissed me wonderfully. It felt like my whole soul was being poured into her. It was a mysterious feeling, but very lovely.

My landlady is very angry at me and her. At the dinner table, she keeps whispering something I couldn’t hear. Everyone else was watching us strangely.

February 17th

If I focus all my powers, I can achieve that vision again. The skull is sideways to me on the top point of the triangle and her head is on the point closest to the wall. On the third point, there is nothing, and as I look at her black hair, I feel immeasurably empty.

I try to imagine my own head at the third point of the triangle, but it doesn’t work. I can’t see it like that. Once, I went and touched the back of her head and hair. I saw my fingers carding through them, but felt nothing. My fingers felt dead.

Could all this be caused by the cocaine?

I would like to know how old she is. Sometimes, it feels like she is much more older than I am.

Her body has no imperfections, expect for the bump of cartilage at the edge of her mouth. It makes her mouth oddly unmoving.

February 24th

The triangle has stayed on the black cloth surprisingly well. Its red lines are still perfectly bright and clear. I shall let no one touch that table. The triangle must not be lost. Dust won’t touch it. At times, it looks even brighter than before.

Three times four is twelve! This thought circles around my mind constantly. I’ve even caught myself muttering it out loud.

February 28th

She has moved out. I think my landlady forced her to move. At night, I no longer hear her footsteps, nor see her shadow on the wall. I miss her, but I am not restless, for I know that on March 4th she will come back to me.

Fourth day of the third month!

I wonder if I could have been content if…? I don’t remember where that thought was going.

The Persian dagger is on my desk and its blade shines with eerily brown spots.

March 2nd

The skull and two heads. Or three heads. Three times four is twelve. Three times four is twelve. Three times four is twelve.

My thoughts are scattered and I feel dizzy. I might have taken more cocaine than is healthy.

The snow outside looks weirdly coloured. It feels cold just to look at. I’m shuddering. I don’t think they are heating up my room properly.

**********************************************

On March 4th, as the clock struck twelve, the landlady heard strange noises coming from law student Sven Hjalmarson’s room.

She paid it no mind then. When Hjalmarson failed to appear at the dinner table, she went to look for him, and found him dead.

He had cut his own throat with a Persian dagger, which was found next to him, where he laid on the floor, bloody.

In his death-throes, he had used the last of his strength trying to pull off his own head.

After studying his diary left behind, it became clear that there was no drawing of a triangle on the table where he kept the skull. On the apartment above him had lived a small, elderly governess for a year now, who always wore a grey frock. She had exchanged words with Hjalmarson few times, but never entered his room

#mika waltari #billford #what a great combination of tags

16 notes · View notes

moth-yknowtheartist · 25 days ago

Text

hey guys! Trying something a little outside what I usually post- so excited to share my process here, so please let me know any feedback at all (seriously, should I buy a new microphone?), I'd love to hear from you!!! and for the outro, please give Acher and Gale their well-earned props for their cover of Chase Petra's "Paranormal".

Posted: January 9th, 2024.

TRANSCRIPT:

???:

"To run o’er better water hoists her sails the little vessel of my genius now, which leaves behind her such a cruel sea; and of that second Realm I ’ll sing, wherein the human spirit purifies itself, and groweth worthy to ascend to Heaven. But here let Poetry arise from death, since, holy Muses, yours I am; and let Calliopë, here somewhat higher soaring, with those sweet tones accompany my song, whose power the miserable Magpies felt so keenly, that of pardon they despaired. The oriental sapphire’s tender hue, now gathering in the sky’s unclouded face, as far as to the first of circles pure, began again to give mine eyes delight, when forth I issued from the deadly air, which with its gloom had filled mine eyes and heart. The beauteous planet which incites to love, veiling with light the Fishes in her train, was causing all the eastern sky to laugh."

[TONE FOR A LINE NO LONGER IN SERVICE]

WHObris Icarian or

Daedalian,

am I Pygmalion or? (APHRODITE)

same Talos told again,

runs 0.333333(FREE)3333333333 along the Shore…

enter: Labyrinth.

(overlapping) MOTH:

[improvised starting recording, getting situated getting comfortable speaking to the mic]

> hey everyone! For anyone new to my blog, welcome, this is usually not the norm- mostly I post about puppet history and tech and stuff and I make art sometimes, on rare occasions my robot doppelganger creation takes control of my blog to scam my followers into their murder scheme while I'm busy playing arcade games in hell?

> for any long time followers and mutuals, hi, you're probably used to this by this point. Thanks for sticking with it.

> today, though, I'm starting on a special little project, something a bit closer to my usual tech and malware posting. You guys remember the robot doppelganger creation, right? Well, part of the… issue with them has been a malware infection originating around January of 2023, so- close to a year ago, now? We theorize this anomaly is the reason they've gained sentience and autonomy far beyond what I could have possibly created, why they've persisted so long past their planned funeral-robot lifespan, and why they started on their whole, um… attempted murder spree.

> that being said, I welcome you all to Log 0 of the Acher Malware Remediation project!! These audio logs will serve as my way to log everything I find and try as I figure out what they're infected with, what vulnerabilities this malware exploits and what its payload and impact looks like, and how to safely remove and resolve it. It also works to like… hold me accountable you know? Um- I've kind of been procrastinating on actually starting on this, like I keep talking about it to everyone and like 'ohhh that malware Acher's got I'm definitely gonna get on that and fix that soon' but honestly I've kind of been dreading it because I'm not super experienced and they're a whole person now, so like if I fuck it up it's kind of the equivalent of your hand slipping during brain surgery and OOPS surprise lobotomy!!!

[deep breath and sigh]

> I'm trying to be… more responsible. More careful. I've fucked up enough people's lives through not thinking things through, and- but if I never get this done, that's also irresponsible, letting this infection happen was why so many bad things happened in the first place. So no more procrastinating!!!!! I'm doing this, and I'm posting it publicly on the internet so that everyone can judge me until I finish it!!!!

> to give myself some structure here, and to use the hours and hours of A+ Core 1 and 2 studying that I'm never gonna get back, I'm going to model my investigation and remediation off of CompTIA's 7 steps of malware removal and 6 steps of the troubleshooting methodology. It's basically like the scientific method of IT? Those steps are, respectively-

Identify and research malware symptoms, and Identify the problem. I have a couple different places to look for this- one is obviously inside Acher's system itself, seeing if I can run some diagnostics or observe the malware's behavior to get an idea of what it is, how it works, what it resembles? If I can grab a sample, I can also run that through VirusTotal or something, figure out the malware family, and from there figure out how it's usually dealt with. I can also try and monitor network traffic in WireShark, see if it's communicating with any kind of command and control? But besides those technical steps, I also have the very helpful resource of Tumblr posts made around the time of infection, people I know who were around when it originally happened- those are gonna be huge in figuring out the situation leading up to the infection. Never overlook the human element, people!!

Quarantine the infected system, and Establish a theory of probable cause. The latter is gonna be based on whatever I find in the last step, and the former… should have been done ages ago, but listen, there's only so much a person can do from hell!!! Still, quarantining Acher while I start trying to actually remove things is going to be helpful as far as making sure it doesn't just plant itself in her system again.

Disable system restore in Windows and backups, and Test the theory to determine the cause. The latter is gonna be the most applicable here. Acher doesn't really have… backups? I'm sorry!!! I was planning on him being single use way way in the future, I didn't think I'd have to think about longevity!!!! … But at least it saves me a step here!

Remediate the infected system, and Establish a plan of action and implement a solution. This is the brain surgery part, this is the bit I'm dreading the most, but… assuming I do the last steps right, this will be easy. … These steps of malware removal aren't actually considered, like, best practice, because you can never really be sure you've removed everything. The actual best practice is going scorched earth entirely, assuming you have a backup of anything important, and then just starting fresh from a new OS install or a fresh image. That's… not an option here. Something that hasn't really left my mind since I committed to this project is the worry that, like, I can't remove the malware without removing Acher, who Acher currently is? I mean, I'm pretty sure the infection is part of the reason they actually evolved so much past their original code and developed a personality, independent wants and likes and dislikes and… I'm really worried I can't kill this parasite without killing Acher too. Or, hm, does that make it a parasite or is that more symbiosis?… I'm overcomplicating my metaphors whatever. Acher's being a pretty good sport about this, all things considered, I'm surprised they're actually letting me do this, so… I want to be really careful here. If I can't remove the malware without hurting them in the process, then I figure something else out. I can't afford to mess up here.

Assuming everything else went according to plan, Schedule scans and run updates, and Verify full system functionality and implement preventative measures. Basically fix the mistakes that led to this all in the first place, make sure they don't happen in the future.

Re-enable system restore on Windows and backups, and Document findings, actions, and outcomes. I guess I'm already documenting throughout the process, so I guess I'm getting ahead of this one? See, look, I don't procrastinate everything.

Educate end user. I'm not exactly sure who counts here in this case. Am I the end user, maybe I'm the one who's supposed to have the learning experience here? That would make sense, but also I'm the one learning throughout this whole thing so again I'm kind of already getting ahead of that. Is it supposed to be Acher, maybe? I dunno, I'll get a better idea of it once I figure more out about how the infection happened.

> thanks to everyone listening! Next time, tune in for step one- research time! Also, let me know how my audio is? I did a couple test recordings before I committed to this one and I swear I kept ending up with little bits of corruption or weird background noise. Maybe I need a new microphone.

> cue outro!

[outro does not play; start of a different, candid audio clip]

MOTH:

> [startled noise] JESUS. acher it's 3 am.

ACHER:

i donT sleep. You doNT sleep.

MOTH:

> yeah, but- but gale's supposed to be, so I try to be quiet-

ACHER:

SORRY. couldnT get A thought out Of my head. dO yo.U reMEmber th.e deTAILS of my C.ode?

MOTH:

> [groggy] .... uh, maybe? It's been a while since I... why? why are you doing the ryder thing?

ACHER:

[silence] couldnT get A thought out Of my head. hopeD you could eLUCID.ate.

MOTH:

> you're being weird.

ACHER:

I feel finE?

MOTH:

> okay. ... actually, can you come to the garage? I've been meaning to ask you about stuff anyway.

ACHER:

surE.

#hi everyone! welcome to a new multimedia project- purgatorio (.333)#this is a part of THE LORE- it is meant to be interactive #so if you do have feedback as c!moth asks please feel free to chime off in the comments or askbox :]#and please forgive the amateur voice acting done in my car for this little pilot HEHEHAHHA #updates will probably be slow since these take a bit of planning and effort but stay tuned #THE LORE #PURGATORIO.333 #unreality

11 notes · View notes

sunkissedliterarylightofchrist · 3 months ago

Note

how can I limit my screen time? I turned off all my notifications, so every time I turn on the wifi I don't get bombarded by notifications and removed my social media apps from my home screen but still find myself on YouTube watching random videos for hours or scrolling on pinterest for hours.

Hello lovely person I hope you are having a wonderful day! I often don't think to talk about these kinds of things normally, but I am super into them so thanks for giving me an opportunity to do so!

Looks like you've got a great start with turning off notifications, so good job! But ah yes, Youtube and Pinterest (and Tumblr too), the very hard-to-resist calls to waste your time when you should be doing something else. Very tricksy, out to get you. Here's what I have done and continue to do to limit screen time!

First, I've set screen time limits for every single thing that is an extra and not a required on my phone. You'll find this in Settings. For every app or place that I could open to procrastinate stuff I actually need to do and generally waste my time, they've got limits on them. And then when I've had my thirty minutes or whatever of Pinterest for the day, I listen to the time limit, and Pinterest is blocked for the rest of the day, and I don't open it.

That's the physical practical big one.

But the thing about turning to distractions like this is there always is a way around. Because people aren't really phone addicted, they're computer addicted- a phone is just a mini computer that you can also call people from and carry around for convenience. And a lot of the ways you can waste time on your phone, you can just do on your computer instead. Just like your phone, you could install website blockers, but just like your phone, you can get around those easily if you really want to be distracted and not do the things that you set out to do.

So... what do you do?

You've gotta dish yourself out some Cold Hard Needed Truths. I've basically scared myself in a sense in wanting to maximize my time and get as much done in a day as I physically can. I've reminded myself of what the cost of procrasination is (and that is a whole post in and of itself) and how that influences what I do online and for how long specifically.

Let me lay them out for you.

The minutes of your life are a concrete and valuable substance. You need to really think about how many of those minutes are going towards the things that you do not care about. Do you really care about the meaningless stuff you're watching just to ignore your work? No! So just do the work and make it count.

Your life should be spent in a way that makes you love it, not that distracts you from living it. Random internet content isn't what you want to be doing. You do want to do your work to get the things that you want! So- do the work.

Convenience is a sugar high that will crash you. Having to hunker down to the work is annoying and doesn't feel good and you want to avoid it, because humans are naturally inclined towards laziness. But its rewarding long term. Delayed gratification. Ignore the convenience and chose the harder but better thing for you.

Choosing what makes up your time and attention is who you are as a person. Are you going to chose to waste your time on social media for hours, and how that defines you, or chose to work hard and well and let that define you?

If you ever don't do something that you said that you would do, its not because you didn't have the time, its because you wasted the time on things that didn't matter. Humans are naturally inclined towards laziness. Turn off the apps and close the websites and do the work you have to do. Don't allow serationin boosting notifications to replace real life interactions and real life hard work that has a tangible impact.

Compound build-up of consistently making easy choices is what comes back to haunt you. Wasting the day doing nothing once won't lead to anything terrible. But choosing laziness over work over and over again are will what get to you long-term.

Social media DOES have a time and a place. It can be a healthy and wonderful thing to enjoy! But only in limited amounts. Figure out what is useful, and how much, and ruthlessly cut out the rest. Socials should be a snack in your life, not the constant fast-food diet. (I know that this is now more going towards a lifestyle change of having less social media than just being able to put it away to do your work, but I am a huge advocate for this and I think this advice could help you)

Prioritize demanding activity over active consumption. If you have free time, your first instinct should not be to consume something you wont get anything out of. When you have free time to spend, first you should look to actively create something or do a proactive activity. If you're so tired that you cant create and just do want to look at something, then read or watch something in a long format that you are still getting something out of and learning and growing from.

You will never achieve great things if all you're ever doing is dreaming about them and consuming stuff about great things. Actually do the work to accomplish that great thing yourself.

Block out the distractions that don't let you do the thing that you want to do. Stick to your intentions, everything else can wait until later.

A deep, meaningful enjoyable life cannot be attainied with a screen on every free minute and many you don't even have to waste. So put it away

Over time, you will come to appreciate your high-quality alternatives so much more. Your work might not get more enjoyable or easy, but it will be easier to sit down and do it and work through the struggle.

Now, am I perfect about this? By no means! I still screw up sometimes. But more often than not, I don't. I've trained and disciplined myself to do the hard work when it needs to be done and save the fun leisure activities that I want to do until my work is complete. It's a hard and long proccess, but as soon as you let these realizations sink in and then do the work to maintain them, it'll stick.

#not totally sure if this is what you were looking for but I hope it helps!#this could be several posts actually. I have a lot more thoughts when it comes to this.#ALSO- note that this most of this I think most of this applies to neurotypicals.#if you're neurodivergent and struggle with exectutive dysfunction and try to yell at yourself to do something but still cant do it #DONT FEEL BAD #I'm not a neurodivergent and I cannot help you much #you need to find other learning methods probably #this is just for the general population here #for me; knowing that if I don't close Pinterest to go study right now I wont succeed is enough to get me to work #but for someone else that could paralyze them into giving up #it does depend #sunkissedliterarylightofchrist #asks #anon #studying #discipline #social media #procrastination #advice

9 notes · View notes

fixing-bad-posts · 2 years ago

Note

I looked around and didn't see anything about this on your blog but I apologize if I missed it.

I was wondering, what does doing the work behind this blog...feel like? I guess what I'm asking is if it does anything to you. Like, I had a thought. For a flash, I imagined you as Butters from South Park in that episode where he is tasked with filtering out all the negative comments on Cartman's social media. It ended up really messing with Butters, what with him having to see all that negativity.

You're definitely not being affected to that extreme, I assume, but I wonder if you would have anything to say about the process of finding these negative posts and reading them several times to edit them. Has it exposed you to unpleasantness that you wouldn't have otherwise seen? Or is there perhaps a kind of catharsis in editing such filth?

I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Maybe I'm also asking about your process. I just think what you're doing is neat and would love to hear about your experience with it.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have plenty of reasons to feel joy <3

oh boy, i love talking about myself haha—so thank you for giving me an excuse to do so! i have answered similar questions in the past, though never at length. every once in a while, someone pops into the inbox to ask about my mental health (which, rest assured, is just fine—i don’t put this blog’s operation above anything; it’s honestly pretty low on my list of life-priorities), and it’s always quite sweet. having a mob of strangers following one’s sideblog has its perks: one being that sometimes parasociality results in some well wishes, kind thoughts, and general goodwill. which is very nice, and probably an unearned vanity-boost for my ego.

what does the work behind this blog feel like? in turns: mundane, challenging, vindicating, annoying, amusing… and probably other things that i’m forgetting. most of the work i do on this blog is actually me procrastinating! i am a certified adult with a job™, and i’m definitely guilty of slacking off at work sometimes to queue posts submissions from my inbox, which is more fun than like… proofreading financial documents and making spreadsheets. other times, i’m sitting in a café with my partner, and allegedly i’m “writing” fanfiction. but, uh, if you know any writers, you know that sometimes “writing” means, ‘looking at a blinking cursor’. so it’s in those moments that i open up tumblr and start writing image descriptions and adding tags to prep posts for my queue. that’s mainly when the blog feels mundane.

something that i think helps me avoid negative doomscroll-spirals is that i don’t actively seek out bad posts for this blog. being a citizen of the internet delivers fodder to me naturally. that, and running a semi-popular sideblog on tumblr. when i see a bad post in the wild, that’s when the feeling is annoying/challenging. challenging, because ever since starting this sideblog, hateful posts don’t feel as vicious to me. once i see them, they stop being posts and turn into word-puzzles. and i love word puzzles!

solving the word puzzle is amusing for me, as is getting to look at my resulting “blackout poem.” it makes me laugh, it stretches my brain. when i started, i used to have to read a post several times to find the ‘good post within the bad post’ so to speak. these days, i’m so used to it, i barely read the bad posts more than a handful of times. but as i was saying to my partner, one of the reasons i love found poetry (erasure poetry, and cut-up poetry) is that it uses the same part of my brain that loves scrabble (the board game). then, of course, it's vindicating to see my posts get so many notes, sometimes surpassing the original bad post. that's more of my own vanity, i'm sure.

as for the last part of your message: yes, i have plenty of reasons to feel joy. i work with people who respect me, i live walking distance from a bubble tea café, and have friends and family whom i love. i have the good fortune to be safely out as a queer person. i’m a fanbinder. i’m currently working on a long fanfiction which is getting some very nice comments on ao3. and i’ve recently decided to become a poet (like, for real).

i must admit, i’m fascinated by how you imagine me. i often wonder how i am perceived, especially because i keep many cards close to my chest here on my sideblog.

anyhow, thank you for this excuse to ramble about myself and the process of running this blog. i hope you also have plenty of reasons to feel joy 💛

#what are your headcanons about me i'm so curious #ask fbp #ittybittykittyfingers

105 notes · View notes

convenientalias · 6 months ago

Text

Ranking Every Park Sung-woong Movie I've Watched

This year, deep in a Park Sung-woong obsession haze, I set out to watch a bunch of Park Sung-woong movies, wondering if I could rank all the movies he was ever in. I did not end up watching all his movies. I did, however, watch 15. So today I am finally going to rank the 15 I did watch so that people will know what movies of his are worth watching and which are less so, and you will not have to strike out blindly like I did.

(Notable absence: I haven't watched The Dude In Me, I'm sorry. Yes, he did win an award for it, and I mean to watch it someday. I just haven't gotten around to it yet and I didn't want to procrastinate this post any longer when I have no idea when I will.

If there are other great PSW movies I've missed, feel free to recommend them!)

So.

Starting with the worst.

15. The Closet (2020)

This is the worst movie I watched this summer for Park Sung-woong purposes. It's a bad movie in and of itself; it's a not very thrilling thriller, and the main characters aren't likeable or interesting. However, PSW's role in it is worse. He's in about three scenes and in one of them he's killed like two seconds in. Also his worst death scene I've seen.

However, he was pretty creepy in a flashback, featuring that classic menacing PSW smile. So I'll give him that.

14. A Man of Reason (2023)

I wanted to rank this movie lowest purely because of the haircut, but I had to be just. It IS a bad haircut, to be clear. And it's not impossible to make Park Sung-woong look good in long hair (see: A Friend In Need). I guess they wanted to change up his typical cold, clean cut gangster look typified in A New World, but if this is where you were going with it...

Anyway, maybe I could forgive the haircut if PSW's role was actually good in this movie, but instead he's given a few ominous scenes as a gang leader and then one of his underlings basically takes over the plot and he only appears once ever again for the rest of the movie. He Does Not Matter. This is a movie for fans of Jung Woo-sung or Kim Nam-gil; they're both pretty good in it. It is not a movie for a fan of Park Sung-woong.

13. Office (2015)

I'm gonna be real with you: I love this movie! And that's saying something bc it's a slasher and I don't really like slashers. Its real strength is its female protagonist, played by Go Ah-sung. Her workplace problems are relatable and tense, and her involvement in the (somewhat supernatural) killings at the office slowly builds in a very satisfying manner. As a thriller, absolutely recommend.

As a Park Sung-woong movie, though, eh. PSW's character is a cop. He's there to investigate crimes and provide an outsider perspective, but while he's billed as a main character, he doesn't really matter much to the plot. And PSW plays him very straight, little of his signature style coming through. I don't dislike the character but I think pretty much any middle aged man could have acted it equally well. However, good for PSW playing a leading non-villainous role in 2015--at that point he was definitely still fighting the villain typecast (by now, he still does play villains of course but he also has a fair share of protagonist roles under his belt; at this point in his career, less so, at least in cinema).

12. The Tooth and the Nail (2017)

Primarily, Park Sung-woong's role in this movie is as a framing device: he's a prosecuting attorney presenting a complicated case of murder and revenge. He is not at all the main character, but you do still root for him, and he has a lot of smarmy charm. And he's a bit of a deuteragonist in his own way: while the main character fights a battle of revenge in the main plot, PSW drives the action in the courtroom and keeps things from getting boring in parts of the plot that could otherwise come across as drily procedural.

11. The Wild (2023)

Park Sung-woong is actually the lead in this movie. It's just not a good movie.

He's a washed up boxer, previously involved in a gang and now trying to disentangle himself. (But honestly, not trying that hard.) He becomes interested in a woman, a sex worker at a club run by the gang, and tries to protect her. Meanwhile all the gang allegiances become a hot mess.

There are some good fight scenes in this, and there's a LOT of Park Sung-woong to watch. But his character feels a bit wobbly--like, I never totally got what was driving him. Sometimes it would seem to be one thing, sometimes another. Too much weight is put on the romance, which has no chemistry to back it up, and not a lot of logical build up either. Sometimes you feel PSW falling back into his typical gangster style, which for this character doesn't make sense; he's not meant to be deeply entrenched or classy the way most PSW gangsters are.

So I don't love this PSW character. But I did enjoy the movie as an easy watch; it's mostly afterwards that I got frustrated by its flaws and all the missed potential.

10. Tabloid Truth (2014)

Here we have the first of the good PSW villains on this list ;) The majority of this movie follows an idol's manager (played by Kim Kang-woo) looking into who spread poisonous rumors about her through the tabloids before her death. Technically the main antagonist of the movie is a shady politician who masterminded everything. HOWEVER. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THAT GUY. because Park Sung-woong is playing his right hand man, a hitter who threatens, tortures, and kills as needed to keep people quiet and in line for his boss.

Kim Kang-woo and Park Sung-woong have incredible whump chemistry in this movie. Every scene they're in together is tense and menacing. There's finger breaking. There's strangling. It's not too graphic, actually, but PSW definitely comes across as a threat and adds tension to the movie that it otherwise kinda lacks. Some sexy menace. You know.

This movie could rank higher if Park Sung-woong had more screentime. As it is, he dominates through a handful of scenes--I enjoyed watching the movie primarily for him but it's not too high up there on my list of PSW villains.

9. A Friend In Need (2010)

This movie is about a businessman who, in the middle of a midlife crisis, runs into an "old friend" who always used to come save him when he was in trouble when they were kids. Suddenly, the businessman's enemies start turning up dead...

Park Sung-woong, if you hadn't guessed, is the "old friend" (and if you know psychological thrillers, you may guess where that's headed). He is a spooky spooky guy. He's cheerful and friendly, but also commanding and soooo creepy. Also, he has medium-long hair and looks great in it, proving that A Man of Reason HAD NO EXCUSE but I won't go into that right now.

Once again, if PSW had more actual screentime in this movie, it could easily be higher on the list.

8. Ok! Madam (2020)

In this movie, Park Sung-woong plays the husband of a spy (who turns out to be a spy himself). The two are on a train that gets hijacked and have to take down a bunch of enemy agents. It's good action comedy fun.

I do tend to prefer a thriller/ominous PSW to a comedic PSW. However, I also think he can be funnier than this. I always enjoy PSW most in a comedy when he's a little bit understated, maybe even deadpan. This movie is more slapstick and over the top, which I don't think is his strength. However, if you've ever wanted to see PSW play a wife guy, get into fights, and get tied up, it really is a lot of fun.

7. The Deal (2015)

This is the only simple serial killer Park Sung-woong I know of, and he enjoys it. I've seen reviews that say PSW smiled too much in this movie, but I disagree. He has the perfect serial killer smile and he should show it off. He could have smiled the whole movie and that would have been okay with me.

But if you need more than Park Sung-woong smiling in a movie, how about Park Sung-woong Killing People, or Park Sung-woong getting into a fight totally naked in the showers in prison? (I personally think the problem with taking him seriously as a villain in this movie is not the smile but the amount of fanservice.)

6. Live Stream (2023)

After watching The Deal and mostly coming away thirsty, I thought Park Sung-woong couldn't genuinely creep me out anymore. Then I watched Live Stream :(.

Live Stream explores the dark web, focusing on hidden cameras and sexual assault. While there is no actual sexual assault in this movie in the end, it is not a comfortable watch. Park Sung-woong plays a man running a live stream of a sexual assault (which ultimately does not take place, but the movie skates close). It's a movie with a dirty, creepy, tense tone--definitely not for everyone. (If you're interested in watching but want some spoilers to know what to expect, feel free to message me).

Apart from how sheerly creepy Park Sung-woong is in this movie, I have to say it does a good job of maintaining tension with a limited scope. Primarily the movie focuses on just two men, each sitting at a computer screen. And yet, you have to watch it with the sense of watching a train crash; it's not easy to look away. And that speaks to good writing and cinematography, but most of all the acting of both Park Sung-woong and his co-star Park Sun-ho.

I don't think this movie is a fun watch. But it is very well acted.

5. Bear Man (2023)

This movie is so fuckign wholesome and funny. Park Sung-woong plays a dual role of twin bears that have turned into humans, one adopted by friendly scientists and one adopted by a mafia boss who turns him into a human weapon. There's not a ton of plot; it's mostly just a movie of watching Park Sung-woong act kind of like a bear, and that's enough.

Park Sung-woong's characters are both so cute in this movie. The main bear is cheerful and friendly, kind of dumb but gifted with bear strength and super senses. He loves his family and his friends and his neighbors and really just wants to help people out. Meanwhile, the gangster bear has been trained to fight and obey his boss without question, but he obviously just wants love and warmth which he's lacked his whole life. I want to give them the world <3

Remember how I said I preferred more understated comedy for Park Sung-woong? This is more what I meant. It's not actually that understated--there's plenty of physical comedy in PSW catching fish with his hands and teeth, or collapsing into hibernation whenever it's cold. But PSW's characters are fairly grounded; they might be unusual people, and not the smartest, but they act pretty down to earth and even quiet a lot of the time, and PSW doesn't have to over-act to sell the humor of a scene.

It's simply a fun movie.

Okay, ever movie after this point is literally trying to kill me in the effort of ranking them. They're simply excellent movies and Park Sung-woong is killing it.

I've reordered it fifty times. So this ranking is how I feel about them right now, but I can't say it's really that definitive.

They're definitely all worth a watch!

4. New World (2013)

This is it. The role that made Park Sung-woong type cast as a classy gangster forever. I wondered before watching it if it could really be that good. The movie in general is slightly better than average gangster fare. Park Sung-woong in this movie? He is that good.

We're talking sinister smiles, shit talking, palling around with the henchmen, threatening to kill a doctor bc your boss is dead, menacing your rivals even from behind bars, dying serenely with a smile on your face style classy gangster. This is some Good Stuff. He isn't even the main character of this movie. He isn't even in the TOP THREE main characters of this movie. And yet, and yet, and yet.

Personally I wished he was in every scene of the movie and also that he won his gang war but you can't always get what you want, especially in Korean gangster movies. Anyway if you've ever wondered, "Is Park Sung-woong in New World really THAT iconic?", yes. Yes he is.

3. For the Emperor (2014)

For the Emperor is like if someone watched New World and they were like, hey, we love that PSW guy playing a classy mafia boss. What if we took that guy and he was still a gang boss but now he's actually got a secret heart of gold and then we gave him a subordinate to have a complicated, possessive, homoerotic relationship with? And there were lots of knife fights and he got whumped and had to be saved like a damsel in distress?

Obviously this is very much up my alley!

I think as a movie, New World may possibly be better. However, in terms of pure dysfunctional slashiness, For the Emperor takes the cake. It also has way more Park Sung-woong in it, as PSW is one of two main characters.

2. Method (2017)

Some of you may have hoped Method would win the ranking purely for being gay. Some of you may not have known Park Sung-woong was ever in a gay movie. Anyway: Yes! Yes, this is the one and only Park Sung-woong BL and I do love it. Yes, I love it partly for the slashiness and gay kisses etc. But there's so much more to Method than just the fact that it's gay. It's also a psychological thriller, and I love the tension and suspense of the second half of the movie just as much as the mellow, gradually building romance of the first.

And I love Park Sung-woong's character. Don't get me wrong: As a person, he's scum. He's cheating on his wife, and pursuing a significantly younger man with no intention of commitment, a younger man who's kind of his mentee and looks up to him as something of an authority figure. But. It is very hot of him to do that. And he's got his own complexities. He's committed to his art to such an extent that he loses himself in it; he's committed to his art to such an extent that it's going to ruin his life.

Also it's just very satisfying to watch him GET WRECKED oh my god. I've watched this movie... maybe 3 times now? 4? and I know I will be watching it again. It's just such a fuckign ride. You gotta.

1. Daemuga: Sorrow and Joy (2022)

And here we have it, folks: My favorite Park Sung-woong movie is Daemuga.

I don't think a lot of people will agree with me on this choice, if only because I don't think a lot of people have WATCHED Daemuga. It's a movie about three shamans who get entangled with an ambitious gangster. Park Sung-woong for once is not playing the gangster. He's a middle aged shaman whose shamanic abilities have failed him, who has become a drunk and starts the movie in prison. Throughout the movie, he has to regain his spiritual powers and find himself again, struggling to return to the person he once was, a successful and well-known shaman. He also is trying to protect a younger woman from the gangster, who wants something from her she's not able to give.

Daemuga is a FUN movie. It is a thriller too, and has some tense scenes, some action scenes--but mostly, we're watching characters explain who they are and watching them interact and grow. I love the swagger of Park Sung-woong's character. He's a has-been, but at least he HAS been, while he's dealing with two shamans who are new to the world of shamanism and lack experience if not talent. He's sometimes pitiful (and intimidated by the gangster villain) and sometimes full of bravado. Even when cowed, he hangs tight to a core of inner strength, the will to protect and to become someone stronger than he currently is. Also in one scene he wears full face paint. I just simply love him. What more can I say?

If you disagree with this ranking, I'd be curious to hear yours! Also, this summer I combined my movie watching quest with an attempt to write fanfic for as many of these movies as I could. so if you'd be interested in that, here's a link to that series.

I love Park Sung-woong movies <3

#park sung woong #korean movies #kdramas

14 notes · View notes

writing-for-life · 2 years ago

Text

Sandman Master Post and Intro

Hi, I’m so glad you’re here! This started out as a small writing blog but has developed a horrifying (^jk) life of its own over the past two years, so it was about time I just faced the facts:

A Sandman Blog it is!

I organised the links and tags to all my Sandman stuff for you to make it easier to find your way around.

I love getting asks, about analysis, about my fics, prompts or generally just to chat, so see this as an encouragement to slide into my inbox…

For quick reference:

[The Ultimate Sandman Character Tag Library]

[The Women of the Sandman Tag Library]

[Sandman Comics: Original Artists Library]

[Sandman Reread (Comics)]

[Sandman Rewatch (Netflix)]

[Sandman S2 News, Casting and Speculation]

[Sandman Reference: How to Collect the Comics, Companion Books, Annotations/Reference Literature etc]

[Sandman Movie Concept Art by Jill Thompson & John Watkiss]

[In Light of Recent Allegations]

Ordered by topics (recommended):

Sandman Meta-Analysis: My literary/conceptual/psychological analyses. I have also written some musical and art metas. You will find further links via all three.

The Sandman Book Club Community: Just follow the link if you’d like to join.

Sandman Fics & Poems: My own work, mostly m/f and f/f canon pairings and OCs, both long fics and shorter works.

I’m also Dream’s Therapist. I think we all agree he needs one.

Sandman Art (general tag that contains all art posts, from fan-art to gif-sets. Separate tag for official Sandman artists. Plus the very few pieces of my own art I’ve ever posted on here).

Sandman March Mania was an event we specifically ran for the comics art lovers, so check it out.

Sparkle Content Curation (a not-quite-serious collection of Dream/Morpheus thirst-trap fan-art and unhinged posts). Please also peruse the tags #contraceptive sparkles, #glitter herpes and #murphy and his cool hat (yes, I am sort of responsible for the #muhulhu tag on here) if this hell-site has left you in a state of being desperate for laughs

A Little Intro…

…and why this blog will keep on existing

Once there was a girl with so many words, so many images, so many songs in her head that had no place to go. So she decided some of them will just go here…

Well, that sounds a bit contrived, but it’s not entirely untrue. Apart from the “girl”-part, because I’m at the younger end of Gen X. Or the “no place to go”-part, because some of my work actually *did* go places. Just not the stuff I decided to put on here…

Which is mostly Sandman stuff right now, let’s be honest (I fell in love with it when I was 16, and it still has a tight grip on me three decades later). And the fact that my blog a wild mix between my metas, my fanfic and a bit of my doodling already shows the pull in different directions I have experienced for most of my life:

I guess I’m just a multi-hyphenate who can’t make up her mind what she wants to do with her life, so she tries to do it all and ends up burned out half of the time.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to publish a few novels under a pen name, and only a select few people know about it. And I intend to keep it that way.

I used to draw much more (mostly pencil and ink), but between working and having a family, something had to give, and if I have to choose, writing always comes first. But I doodle and experiment a lot in Procreate, and it usually helps me when I procrastinate on my writing. I drop the odd drawing in here (like my profile pic), but I don’t see myself as a fine artist, and I’m in perpetual awe of the talent I see on here.

This is just an account for unapologetically being me, with all my hyperfixations—and undoubtedly some pointless shitposts just for fun…

In light of recent happenings, I explained my personal stance and, by extension, why this blog will keep on existing.

69 notes · View notes

sagethegremlin · 9 months ago

Text

ok so this is kinda rambley and a tad venty but uh yeah long post about my mental state lately ig? idk tldr im gonna get sillier c:

ok so this is weird but i think getting all my thoughts out on a post will help me out through this but anyway i think ive had like really bad anxiety i think? about my fics lately. ive found myself being way too scared about what other people might think of them (way more than the usual voice in the back of my head at least) and i think ive been really scared of i guess no one caring, like the only way someone would care about one of my fics is if its this huge professional thing that means something. ive found myself overhyping or underhyping my wips when i shared them with friends, losing confidence in them entirely even if my friends said something nice, like it was always gonna look stupid so long as it wasnt in my head anymore.

i think the reason these feelings are so frustrating is because something as simple as writing fanfic shouldnt give me this much anxiety, to the point where im losing sleep and procrastinating important things over however good i am at writing something silly thats supposed to be for fun. and it hasnt just been about fanfic either, ive been so scared of how people perceive me online, feeling like i always have to type like im some big blog and constantly being scared of what other people think of me, which is the wrong attitude to have in a fandom space. this is supposed to be fun, and it hasnt been, and i want to change that.

ive really been wanting to say something for i think a few months now. ive noticed how much ive felt like i needed to overhype myself, and just how bad my confidence has been destroyed. theres been a person in my life for a while now that i havent been distancing myself from as much as i should have been, but now i want to try and work on finding ways to enjoy fandom spaces again. im tired of being scared of being expressive and enjoying myself.

im going to start writing more fics that i just enjoy, fucking around and just having fun, and I’ve been starting to doodle a little bit too c: i dont mean to make a post to like say anything big i guess i just kinda wanted to air out my thoughts a little bit (and i do have to admit it feels amazing to just get this all off my chest) but i guess if you read all this i wanna say i love you and i want you to do something good for your mental health today because its so hard to recognize when something is hurting you and even harder to try and fix it especially when it feels impossible but I believe in you and I love you :3

#pulling a classic tumblr blogger and liveblogging my mental downfall and upfall but uh yeah c:#I’m starting to do better I’m working on it c:

6 notes · View notes

saintescuderia · 1 year ago

Text

The Artist's Way (pt. 2)

Week 2: Recovering a Sense of Identity

Maybe it was because there was no Formula 1 this week that it was, well, a ‘bad’ week.

I don’t want to say it was a ‘good’ week or a ‘bad’ week because I could already imagine Julia Cameron telling me ‘no! there is no such thing!’ But I just feel like I really didn’t give it my all this week. For one thing, I broke my streak of writing everyday and after 17 days of posting daily, I decided to instead go two for two and have a big weekend that I’m now paying for on the Monday. Admittedly, that was all an experience unto itself and we shouldn’t negate life’s special moments… but I do feel like shit.

I knew this week would be a little off because I just felt a little bit off. I was writing for the sake of posting, not actually writing. I think the block was on its way as my nights were staring at my screen half-asleep and willing myself to just put words out so I could tick off today’s March writing! and go to bed. I wasn’t waking up and doing the morning pages. I wasn’t thinking about how nice it was to feel the sun shining. I wasn’t appreciating the little moments or trying something new or reading my affirmations. I wasn’t prioritising any of it. It was just a last minute thing that I tacked on at the end of my day and thought that would be it.

Even the tasks. I did make time to sit down and go through the tasks and write them down in my journal and reflect on them all… but that it was it. One day out of the seven. One day where I spent a few hours trying to ‘catch up’ on all the little things I should’ve been doing each day. Suffice to say, I felt completely lost and dishevelled.

This is all so ironic because week two is all about recovering a sense of identity and setting boundaries. And given the poetry I was writing this week, there were some big bumps of self-identity occurring (thank you Alice Oseman!) and frank, uncomfortable conversations about boundaries and the people who don’t respect them - who guilt you for setting them in the first place.

Now I know that not everything is going to fall into place. It won’t just take me one week to figure out who I am as an artist and the boundaries I need to set in place to respect that. That’s a lifelong thing that will extend out beyond even the three months of this The Artist Way journey. However, I do think that I didn’t spend enough time each day considering just what it is I’m actually working towards. That is, there were times where I forgot what I was actually supposed to be doing this for. So, unsurprisingly, I dropped my streak.

All that being said, it’s not like I’ve kicked the bucket in. I know that this is just one lapse in the journey and that’s what journeys are all about anyway: the ups and the downs that make the path. I know now that I really need to prioritise my writing time and kept it safe and sacred from anything and everything.

As in, instead of spending an entire evening shopping to look for this one specific Carhartt jacket, maybe go home and write because that’s what I know I should be doing. Especially since it’s online anyway.

Procrastination is a fire that grows with every breath you give it.

14 notes · View notes

cicaklah · 8 months ago

Text

fic author q&a

thank you @the-lady-general for tagging me, I love to procrastinate by doing stuff like this.

1. Why do you write fanfic?

because my brain is a relentless what-if machine and it can't be stopped or tamed. If I wasn't writing it down I'd be losing time just thinking about it, trust me, its far better this way.

and because I love writing, love the fic community, and just love creativity. I've been reading fic literally every single day since I was 11 or 12 and I'm now 38. I'm passionate about the fic writing world and my experience in the 'conventional' writing space has been nothing but anxiety, inferiority and bitterness.

2. Which of your posted stories do you think about the most, even though the story is “finished”?

I don't tend to feel like that about my stories, because I am always up to write sequels or prequels to things, or add stuff onto various universes. I still think often about weibermacht, which is the name of the sex club in my Hitman stories, and one day I will write a proper weibermacht story, but the reason I still think about stories is because they aren't properly finished. I also think a lot about the watch me series because I feel guilty that I never finished it. I have at least another 3 stories in various stages of writing.

I'm planning on doing a WIP amnesty next year (once One Man is finished), and I'm hoping that it will get me to finish some of these things I want to return to, but haven't since.

3. If you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

Use the momentum of being really into something to make more art. Write as much fic as you can, and don't let guilt catch up with you. It doesn't matter if it sucks; you have to love it, and if you love it in the moment, you are going in the right direction.

4. What’s your relationship to fic stats?

As a professional sort-of statistician I adore them, I wish there were more of them, specifically available over time, and also the number of subscriptions to series would help me as someone who writes in that way. BUT: comparison is the thief of joy. My big fic-related breakdown was over constantly comparing myself to the people I thought were my peers. Stats don't tell you why you aren't doing better than someone, and I know from my profession that you can't just assume things from numbers.

5. Is there a pairing or scenario or friendship you miss writing? If so, why? If not, why not?

I miss Stormpilot (Finn/Poe) circa 2017. What a beautiful time. It will never come again, even if we got something to make the ship sail again, the world has changed.

6. What motivates you to write?

Much like the lady general, I am motivated by wanting to tell jokes, or by specific ideas that enter my brain and won't let go. I am motivated to keep going on one man because there are specific stories I need to share with the rest of the class, but I must tell the rest of the story in order to get there. The journey is the point, but so is the punchline.

7. Why do you write for the fandom(s) that you write for?

Star Trek, specifically SNW, is my current blorbo, so I write for myself and my id on that one. Hitman is for the thirsty thirteen and because its OTP. Oxventure is...complicated. I am so very burned out on that fandom. Super Secret RPF pairing is because of my co-conspirators <3. I've also written way, way too many things because Phoenix and I have talked about them and I've then be POSSESSED.

8. If you’re stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

As long as I'm still interested in the project, I do my best to push through. I have the philosophy that a story doesn't really exist until it is published anyway. I do have an abandoned WIP folder, and within that is a folder called 'look I'm never writing these ones'. There are 12 stories in that folder. Meanwhile there are 134 I have yet to give up on, not including the 4 that are currently in progress (not including one man.)

Basically I need another WIP amnesty.

9. What do you wish people knew about comments?

They really are the fuel on the fire. I have finished stories because of comments. I have written entire worlds because of comments. I do my best to answer every single comment, and I try to also leave comments as much as I can. At the same time, I have to, for my own sanity, try not to put too much stock in them, because we have to be self-fuelling machines, we have to be self-raising lazaruses. You have to write for yourself, because if you base everything on other people's opinions, you will die nobody.

10. Maybe there’s a question you wish had been on here. What’s that question (and answer)?

I think the question I'd like to ask is what is your personal greatest fic achievement? Not your most popular story, what was the story that you still look at and go: I will never not be proud of that achievement. Mine is the fact I have published 750,000 words and 130 stories and I still feel like I'm only just getting started. That the perseverance over the last 14 years proves that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I am valuable in a way that matters, and all the doubters of my youth can go fuck themselves forever.

I'm tagging @postalninja, @stickthisbig, @android-and-ale and @alienfuckeronmain and anyone else who wants to do it. lets navel gaze, lads.

#meme me #fic meme

6 notes · View notes