#i am probably missing some tags here because there's So Much and i'm fucking upset

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

new most hated genre of post: people ~getting back at the fatphobes~ for 'complimenting' fat characters by saying they're 'so brave' and 'look like they're so soft and wholesome and give good hugs 🥺' (indeed fucking gross, call it out, stop that) by '''joking''' about how skinny people are 'so cute because they're so sharp and bony and give bad hugs, and you could totally break them in half 🥺'

fun fact! you are not describing the bodies of privileged thin people who just can't take a joke! you are describing the bodies of people who are disabled and/or otherwise extremely ill and/or starving! you are talking about people who face high rates of mockery and medical abuse! even without the other three factors, being underweight has massive impacts on your health and shortens your lifespan greatly! it also makes you physically weaker and much easier for people to manhandle, hurt, and kill, because unlike being fat, being underweight is inherently mutually exclusive with being strong.

how fucking sick do you have to be to talk this way about the bodies of cancer patients, AIDS patients, people with other wasting diseases, people who are atrophied from disability and/or confinement by abusers making it impossible to exercise, people with eating disorders that manifest by reducing their body mass, homeless and food-insecure people in regions that have decided arbitrarily that they should starve, famine victims, war victims, VICTIMS OF THE

FUCKING HOLOCAUST

what kind of soulless fucking ghoul do you have to be to mock us, to say that our bodies are unpleasant to even be touched and treat it as the height of ridiculousness that anyone we love might find us to be anything else, to imply that the only reason someone actually would is because they have a gross objectifying fetish, to treat us as a joke to own people who say annoying things about your stupid fucking blorbos, to talk gleefully about beating and maiming and murdering us and what our bodies would feel and sound like crunching under your hands

i watched my mother die of cancer. i watched her body wither even more quickly than most--on the order of weeks, not months--after she had a sudden stroke that destroyed her sense of taste. i watched her break down in tears more than once when she tried something different, just a tiny little snack, in hopes that maybe this time it would be edible, only for this one to taste like car exhaust too, because she was so, so hungry. she died so hungry.

i'm not going to get too deep into my own body and medical issues here. just writing this out so far is about as much as i can handle, and vomiting up all the years of trauma right now would just about break me. but in short i am an extremely underweight disabled person who's been watching my mind and body waste away for a long time, knowing there's basically nothing i can do about it and it's very likely to kill me, being constantly concern-trolled and splained and guilted and shamed and victim-blamed about how i just don't want to get better, how if i just had the right attitude and powered through it and tried this special diet they read about on facebook and 'it's not that hard to make food, just.... do it :/' then i would magically be okay, i've had people fetishize my body and praise me for it and say i'm lucky and it's great that i lost weight and they wish i had my body when i was malnourished/physically ill/actually dying, i've had to see constant victim-blaming Scare Em Straight PSAs from supposedly eating-disorder-conscious assholes about how DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T EAT ENOUGH YOU'LL [gruesome detailed descriptions of what will happen to me, culminating in my early death],' i've had caretakers demand to know who they can pawn off responsibility on for my death if i died soon so they wouldn't get in trouble for neglect when the police found my corpse

'well fat people also--' shut the FUCK up i'm not talking about fat people right now, i am talking about underweight people because we are the ones you can't keep out of your fucking mouths. have a brain and a fucking soul, and also i can attest that your blorbos are shit solely on account of you using them as an excuse to behave like this. FUCK you.

[ladykailitha]

Hello,

I am probably being a mom about this (having been described as a mother hen even before I had my own kids), but I have a very different take to the two most recent gifs of Joseph Quinn I've been seeing today.

Both of them were at a film festival where he is very dapperly dressed in that cream suit with the black button down. I can't find the gifs right now, so you're going to have to hope I describe them well enough (writer power activate!)

The first one is of him standing with another man, older and taller than Joe. The man puts his arm around his shoulder and Joe makes this funny hand sign, like he was trying to do the horns and the peace sign at the same time and then just ends up awkwardly waving.

And everyone is going on about how cute and goofy that little wave was. But I think people missed the part where as soon as the other guy puts his arm around Joe, his arm holding his jacket immediately goes up and knocks the other guy off. Then you can see him go "oh shit" and he turns it into the awkward wave.

And for me it's that little "don't touch" move that makes the wave a little less cute and little bit more, "poor Joe!" Because he shouldn't have to turn him setting his boundaries into an awkward wave as to not get in trouble.

And the second one. Joe is talking to someone else but it doesn't seem like the person is a guest (the guy is wearing a t-shirt and shorts). He's got something in a wine glass that he is holding both casually and stiffly. And he appears to be upset and he's saying something like "that's just how I am" or something like that. Which I originally thought he was saying "that's not how I am" but the second word looks more "just" and the third looks more like "how" the more I'm watching it.

First off I don't like how the shot is framed. It looks like someone filmed it from angle where Joe didn't know they were filming him. Well, same for the other gif, too. Because in both he's not looking at the camera filming him. I get at events like this people are going to be filming all over the place, but these two both seem to have caught something they shouldn't have.

In the second one's case he looks like he's having an argument or something.

Now here's where I get really uncomfortable, because if this is after the awkward wave, this could be him complaining that he didn't want to be touched like that and "that's just how I am". Because if that's the case whoever is doing the filming of these caught Joe in the act of having his boundaries violated, by violating further those boundaries.

I don't know. I could be reading too much into it. Projecting my own feeling on him. But it does look like that to me. And this isn't me saying "oh you can't find it cute!" because I'm not. I'm just saying he doesn't look comfortable and we should examine why.

And since this already too fucking long, I'm going throw in another Joseph Quinn problem I have.

How different he looks from Eddie Munson to his other roles or just in general. I can't find the article now (shakes fist), but Joe talked about how on Stranger Things he dropped 10 kilos or 22lbs to play Eddie so he looked younger and was more sinewy. That he fasted, gave up carbs and had one coffee a day to look the way he does in season 4.

Like actors shouldn't have to do that shit for roles. Isn't there a healthier way to do that? So when that one picture popped up today of Joe looking into the camera I saw someone tag (could have been @vecnuthy) that it looked edited in some way. But it was the most Eddie like I'd seen him look since the show dropped. And if it wasn't edited that means that he dropped those 20lbs again.

And of course I hope that means Eddie's back but even if it is or it's for another role, I hate how thin he looks in that picture (and I love his "slutty Eddie waist") means he's crash dieting and that makes me sad.

Sorry about this. Just...ignore me I guess. But I don't think we talk enough about how actors go through this shit as much as actresses do just in different ways.

[tendousthoughts]

HQ Boys Thinking Their S/O Left Them Pt. 2

Character(s) included: Tsukishima & Ushijima

Warning(s): Cursing

Song of the day: Love The Way You Lie by Eminem

A/N: Wow thanks for 200+ likes on my last part & 15+ reblogs! I’m almost at 150 followers so thank you for that too! I can't believe that my account is still active! Here’s part two! As always my ask box is open for comments and such! I would love to have some more Anons or even some character anons. Part three is next so if you have any haikyuu boys you want next just send a message! Please forgive any spelling and grammatical errors!

Where to find all the parts!

Where to find all my content!

Tag(s): @chibiiichann

Tsukishima

So the argument was your fault. The ‘harmless’ joke made its way to be more effective than you imagined. So maybe it wasn’t as funny as you thought to pour water on his head as soon as he got through the door. But it wasn’t your fault for not knowing he was having a tough day already.

“Baby.. please.. kei, I am sorry..” you whispered softly as you followed him in. You could tell he was angry. After all he just wanted to rest and now you just fucked everything up. “Kei.. please.” He turned to you.

“What?” He was drenched and tried to not let his attitude show. He just wanted to take a shower and go to bed.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.. it was just supposed to be a harmless prank..” you muttered softly now avoiding his eyes. They felt like they were burning holes into you.

“Oh wow so funny!” He looked at you. Now making eye contact you can feel the hints of venom in his voice. “It’s so fucking funny. You know sometimes I wonder if I ever did the shit you do to me back to you how would you react? I mean after all it’s just a fucking harmless prank! Do you ever just fucking think for a moment, ‘fuck maybe that’s not a good idea?’ Or no? I mean is you brain so fucking small and your so fucking dumb to the point you don’t have a good thought in there?!” His voice was loud, deep, and annoyed. You could almost see the hatred seeping from each word. You looked to the ground and took his hurtful and harmful words. 

It was your fault after all.

After a moment he looked down at you, getting out everything he needed to say, well almost everything. “It fucking sucks to put up with you sometimes. I hope you know your fucking lucky.” There he went, finally finishing his bitter words. He left slamming the door behind him as he started the shower. The warm tears that you had been holding in now finally making their way out.

After grabbing a jacket, phone, wallet, and keys you leave. Feeling terrible that he had to put up with you. Locking the door as you left you decided to take a walk. It was cold and dark. It was a terrible idea to have, but there wasn’t much more that you could do.

After he finished his shower he got out looking for you. He had sorta realized the weight of his words. He knew he went too far.

After about five minutes he realized you were nowhere in sight. He changed and grabbed his phone. “Pick up..” he muttered, calling you. It was too cold for you to be out, let alone it was too dark.

You looked down at your phone and just ignored the call, scared to be yelled at again. It was freezing, now coming to the realization that you should have brought a bigger jacket. You head to a nearby ramen place to eat.

On his side he is freaking the fuck out. “Fuck fuck..” he muttered softly. He tried calling you again and to his surprise you picked up. “Y/n where are you?” He seems upset.

“Don’t worry about it.. just get some rest okay? Night.” You’re almost about to hang up where he starts talking again. He is frantic and you can tell he is extremely worried.

“Y/n please. It’s dark and cold and I don’t want you getting lost or anything worse please..” he mumbled softly. He is trying not to seem overbearing.

“I’ll be okay. Goodnight.” You hang up. Not to your surprise he calls you about five times as you order something to go for the both of you. After about twenty minutes you start to walk back. It’s pitch black and freezing. You put the bag on your arm and zip up your thin jacket. Now holding onto your phone on flashlight with one hand and with the other the soup trying to keep warm. It takes you another fifteen minutes to arrive and you open the door.

Tsukishima was waiting by the door. It was quite late so you bit your lip and closed the door after. In that time Tsukishima’s arms are already tightly around you. His eyes were red and puffy and it was clear he had been crying.

“I told you to get some rest, Kei..” you whispered softly, unsure why he was up. Kinda glad that the ramen did go to waste though.

“I am sorry.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry..” he started to cry again holding you tight. You were cold to the touch and to be honest if it weren’t for what he said earlier you would probably be really enjoying this.

“It’s okay.. I got some dinner..” you whisper breaking away from his grasp as you sit at the table him following after. He wiped away the tears sitting in front of you. He felt like shit. As you place the food in front of him he gives a weak thank you, which you just shake your head to and start eating.

After dinner you get up putting your dishes away. Getting ready for bed after. As you finish brushing your teeth and changing. You are met with his long warm arms around you once again. He missed you all day, and didn’t want you to be distant any longer. “I’m sorry y/n..” he whispered softly, tears rolling down his face.

“It’s okay kei.. don’t worry I know you didn’t, it was my fault anyway..” you muttered softly. “I’m sorry baby..” you wipe away his tears. “I didn’t mean to worry you okay..?” He just holds on tighter and shakes his head gently, picking you up. He decides to carry you to the room you two share. As he holds you, you whisper nothing but sweet words of love, trying to comfort him.

When he lays down you gently hold him. He clears his throat ready to apologize more. “Y/n.. I really didn’t mean any of that okay..? I really love you so much and I’m the lucky one. You’re so considerate and shit and you were just trying to play a prank but I had a really shitty day and just didn’t react well.. I’m sorry..” he whispered softly. His head is buried into the crevice between your shoulder and head. It was clear he was upset.

“Baby it’s okay.. don’t worry I know you didn't mean too.. it was my fault.." you whisper softly. His arms tighten around you holding you close. "I should have known it wasn't a good idea and just didn’t do it. Instead I decided to do it and then leave.. making you worried and stuff.. So I'm sorry.." you whispered softly.

He just shakes his head and smiles softly. "Okay.. I love you Y/n," he muttered softly as he closed his eyes. Quite tired from such a stressful day.

"I love you too Kei," you muttered back, staying up until you’re sure he is peacefully asleep. When you are sure, you drift to sleep. You are safe here. You are safe in his arms, being loved by him. This is where you are meant to be, forever.

Ushijima

Practice was shit. He missed almost everything that came his way, and to be honest it was getting to him. He was quite pissed seeing you with some other guy. No matter what or who they were, they weren’t him. That’s all that mattered. You were laughing and smiling with them and he was upset. So of course he would be off his game. Who wouldn’t? You were the person everyone wanted. Ushijima was lucky to be your boyfriend let alone even talk to you.

But the same could be said about Ushijima. He was known everywhere and you got jealous too at times. I mean who wouldn’t when he got gifts every time he entered a match. He barely talked to you then too, because he thought you would be too ‘distracting.’ So in the end you normally would sit in the back and chat with a few people but tried to stay focused. Today was different. It was a practice not a game. So you didn’t mind not paying attention.

Once practice ended you were met with Ushijima’s tall form in front of you. “Oh hey baby,” you smiled getting up. He doesn’t look too happy and gives the guy a stare that makes him almost immediately leave.

“Who’s he?,” he looked down at you again. You’re shorter than him but to be honest he loves it. He loves the fact that he can tease you with kisses or the fact he can pick you up.

“I just met him. He is pretty cool, turns out he was in one of my old classes.” You smile a bit.

“Oh. Okay let’s go.” He muttered softly. Now expecting a kiss on the head before you two leave you wait. It takes a moment before you realize you’re not getting one so you just follow after him.

“How was practice..” you ask when you guys get in the car. It was quiet and you didn’t like that. It was too quiet.

“You would have known if you were watching.” He was brief and quick with his answers. “It went bad.”

You shake your head softly and when you guys get back into the house it’s no better. Now deciding to break the silence once more. “What’s wrong baby..” you look at him. Something’s off. Completely off.

He looks to you maybe for the first time, in what.? Half an hour an hour of being in the same car. Whatever it was it didn’t matter, it was too long.

“I don’t know why you have to come to my practices and just distract me the whole time.” He doesn’t think about what to say before he does.

“What..? I didn’t run up to you like usual and I stayed in the back like you like! What do you mean ‘distract’ you?” You look at him confused.

“Maybe you shouldn’t come then. It seems like everywhere you have to just be in my way. Let alone you just bring people with you.” He looks annoyed and maybe you should just drop it. But you can’t. You did nothing wrong.

“What? I stayed out of your fucking way! I didn’t ask to come. You asked me too! It’s not like I begged you to come and then was up in your face the whole time. Like your so-called fans! They were up in your face the whole fucking time trying to give you gifts and shit! But ya I’m the distracting one!” You looked annoyed. Upset. Pissed off. Whatever you wanna call it.

“Really? Really? We wanna go there now? It’s not like every fucking time we walk the halls together someone doesn’t come up to say hello to you! Or asks if your fucking free, I mean it’s not like your with me or anything.” You can tell he is mad. But it isn’t your fault.

“Yes really! You have fucking people wait by the gates of the school for you. I mean that’s what I get for dating you right? I get a bunch of girls following my boyfriend, I get called a distraction when I come up to you and get called a distraction when I’m away from you. I don’t know what to fucking do at this point!” You can feel yourself tear up. This is fucked up.

“Wow. Of course. All my fucking fault. Mhm just blame it all on me. You know what fuck you, and fuck your high horse.” He slams the shared room’s door closed. You don’t say anything, deciding to just leave. You grab your stuff and close the door. It’s a bit chilly and you’re glad you grabbed a jacket. It wasn’t weird for you two to fight let alone get on each other’s nerves. But when it’s going good, it’s going great.

You leave heading to a friend’s house and stay the night. Unsure how you fucking feel at this point. What the fuck was up with him? You just tried to stay in your fucking lane. It hurts. It fucking hurts to be called a distraction. Maybe he didn’t get that. But you knew he did. He wasn’t that dumb. He wasn’t that fucking dense like everyone else thought. You knew he wasn’t. That was one of his worst insecurities and you knew it.

The next day you were dropped off at school and we’re surprised to see Ushijima waiting. You bit your lips walking right past him. You could see the hurt in his eyes. He had eye bags and his eyes were red and swollen. He seemed like he had been crying, you felt bad. But at the same time you didn’t. You needed him to understand how much you were hurt by his words.

When lunch came around he was waiting at the door of your classroom and you bit your lip. “Do you need something?” You ask. It took him a moment before he shook his head.

“Can we please talk.. I’m sorry..” he muttered softly. He was clearly still upset by yesterday’s fight and so were you.

“Okay. It’s fine I’m sorry too,” you look up now, his big arms were wrapped tightly around you. He sniffled softly as he was already tearing up again.

“I didn’t mean any of that.. you’re not a distraction and I love you so much baby..” he whispered softly. “I was just jealous and shit..” he muttered softly. “I don’t like it when you hang out with others and stuff and I know it’s not fair.. I just get worried you will like them more and just leave..” he whispered softly finally opening up.

“Hey look at me..” you whisper gently, taking your hands and wrapping them around his cheeks. “I won’t do that to you.. I love you so much, okay?” He shakes his head.

“I love you too y/n..” he muttered softly. He was tired and you could tell. Once you reached the cafeteria you sat next to him and he laid his head on your shoulder.

A soft laugh made its way out as you held him. God you love him. Nothing could ever change that. No matter any fight. You loved him and he loved you. That’s all that would ever matter.

Follows and likes are appreciated! Please reblog if you enjoyed it, so more people can find my work! Thank you all for your support! Stay safe, and have a good rest of your day!

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[silverhandjoytoys]

I got you, V.

Those words ricocheted off the walls of her mind, steadily growing louder with each passing second.

Told you that was a bad idea, but you just don't fuckin' listen.

Even when V was drifting somewhere between life and death, she could still hear the voice of the asshole rocker boy that lived in her.

The glitching was worse than it had ever been, making her feel as if her head was going to explode. She wasn't ready to die, but it seemed to be a foregone conclusion. It didn't matter how deep they went into finding a way to stop it, they were still so far away from a solution.

Come on, V, fight it.

Her eyes fluttered open sometime later. The smell of cigarettes and a dingy motel room filled her nostrils.

"Wha- fuck… Johnny?" She said, willing herself to sit up.

"Stay down, V. Need to take it easy." He appeared next to her, crouching next to the bed.

"What... where-" the room was blurred, objects barely formed as she tried to focus.

The only thing she could see clearly was Johnny. A hint of concern etched across his face, but she assumed it was just her vision.

"Brought you to a safe place. Those fucks won't find us here." Johnny said, answering a question she felt like she asked hours ago.

"Where... is here?" She struggled to return to full consciousness, head buzzing and vision distorting.

"Motel outside of the city. Stayed here a long time ago," he answered.

"This a they don't care if you vomit on the carpet kinda place?"

"Can't smell the aroma of vomit's past?" He asked with a little smirk.

V tried to laugh but she was hit with a shit storm of nausea and couldn't hold it back. She leaned over the edge of the bed and emptied the contents of her stomach at Johnny's feet.

"Barely missed me." He moved back.

V rolled back on the bed, feeling slightly better, "did you- how did you get me here?"

"Had to take your body over for a while. Only choice I had to keep you alive," he explained, stepping around her vomit to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Surprised I'm still alive after what you did the first time you were in control," she smirked and propped herself up against the headboard.

"Wasn't about to leave you in a pool of your own fluids." He kept his gaze on her.

V felt like she'd been hit by a truck, "thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you riding shotgun." She smiled slightly, trying to ignore the buzzing in her head.

"Guess there are some benefits to sharing the same body." He pulled a cigarette out and lit it.

There was something oddly comforting about it. Like a certain amount of stability had returned just from seeing him smoke. Normalcy in the midst of chaos.

"You ever wish you'd gotten stuck with someone else?" V asked.

"Someone with a dick maybe." He passed the cigarette to V.

"I can only imagine the chaos you'd cause if you had full access to someone's dick." She took the cigarette from his fingers.

Normally she wasn't one for smoking, but it was becoming a habit after a black out.

"You have terrible taste in sex partners," he chided.

"Still won't let the whole River thing go, huh?" V grinned and passed the cigarette back as she blew out a stream of smoke.

"A cop, V. You made me fuck a cop."

"Oh, then I can only assume you came too? Does that mean... you enjoyed it?" She grinned.

"Fuck you." Johnny shook his head and plucked the cigarette from her fingers.

"Had to feel good since you're feeling everything same as me. River is a God with his tongue." V pulled her knees up to her chest and watched Johnny take a long drag of the cigarette.

"Can we at least talk about future fucking? I should have a say," he said after a long silence.

"Okay, who did you have in mind?" V was curious if this was something he'd put actual thought into.

"Anyone with tits and a pussy." He said.

"That narrows it down a bit. I'm all for fucking chicks, but can we be a little more... selective?" 

"Selective? The fuck does that mean?" Johnny furrowed his brow.

"No back alley hookers for one." V explained.

"Joytoys need attention too, V."

"Wait, so you'll bitch about flirting with Judy, but you're okay with back alley hookers?" She asked.

"Don't get me started on Judy," he warned, passing her the cigarette.

"Sound a little jealous there, Silverhand."

"Never been jealous before, ain't about to start." He shook his head.

V grinned and scooted closer, placing her hand on his shoulder, "don't deny it, you get all grumpy when Judy's around." 

"Don't get grumpy either." He shrugged her hand off his shoulder.

V burst out laughing, even though it hurt to do so. "When are you not grumpy?"

"All the time, just said it," he replied without hesitation.

"Liar," V said, feeling his side for another cigarette.

"Told ya smoking is bad. No more," he grumbled, pushing her hand away.

"Seriously? Your first words when you crawled out of my psyche were where are my smokes." V reached for him again.

"No more. Need to keep your health up, what's left of it." He grabbed her wrist.

"Johnny, how do you feel when you're denied smokes?" She inquired.

"Doesn't matter what I feel, this is about you." He pulled another cigarette out and lit it.

"I'm literally getting taken over by you. Give me a goddamn cigarette." She reached for the one between his lips, but he caught her arms.

"Don't make me tie you up." He was able to hold her arms back with little effort.

If V hadn't been curious about him tying her up, she would've been concerned about her lack of strength.

"You wouldn't. Plus, you need me mobile so we can destroy shit."

"Not tonight, I don't. Told you to rest," he warned again.

"I'm not tired. At least let me sit up and smoke with you," V pushed, scooting closer to him.

"You're being more annoying than usual. Upset I used your body without permission?"

"Used my body would be an understatement. You took my body for a joyride." V tried for the cigarette again, this time winning the fight.

She knew it was only because he allowed her too though.

"Got you back in one piece, didn't I?" He asked.

"Barely. I'll need a week soaking in a tub and another week to sleep." She put the cigarette up to her lips.

"Gonna have to accept sleeping on a bed stained with bodily fluids and a shower that might not work."

"You couldn't bring me to a resort?" V joked.

"I brought you here for a reason, V," he admitted without so much as a glance in her direction.

V sat up a little more, "what reason is that? Getting tetanus?" 

"Can you stand?" He turned towards her.

"Yeah, wh-"

"Come over here." He stood without explanation.

V slid off the bed and stood up slowly, letting her legs adjust for a moment before straightening up. She shuffled towards the kitchen, trying to avoid the large stains on the floor.

"Open up that cabinet and lift up the bottom board." He leaned against the wall while she carefully crouched to open it up.

"What am I lookin' for?" She asked, searching for a good spot to lift up the board.

She popped the board out and sat it to the side. She reached in and grabbed two metal dog tags on a chain.

"Are these-"

"Mine." He answered.

V sat back against the wall, turning the tags in her hands, "they've been here all this time?"

"Had to pry that board up myself," he said, stepping in front of her.

"Johnny... I- why are you giving me these?" V felt the significance of the moment right away. Johnny wouldn't do something like that if it was meaningless to him.

"Never found anyone worthy of having them, not one, until I met you, V." Johnny struggled to look up at her.

"Johnny-"

"You had to accept me coming into your life with no warning. Probably know me better than anyone ever has." He watched as she put them around her neck.

"Really didn't have much of a choice, but I'll be honest, I like having you around," V replied, letting the tags rest between her cleavage.

"Of all the people I could've ended up stuck in, I'm glad it was you." 

The softest grin played on his lips and V realized it was the first time she'd seen him genuinely smile. No hint of anger, spite, or sarcasm at all.

She could've come back with a snarky comment like their usual banter but reconsidered. She couldn't ruin the surprisingly soft side he just revealed.

"I uh... thanks, Johnny. Means a lot." She stepped closer and kissed his cheek.

Johnny tensed and V froze, both of them realizing they'd never actually been this close to one another, even though they were connected. V placed her hand on his cheek and turned towards him, hesitating before pressing her lips to his softly.

V noticed his hesitation immediately and began to pull away, but he grabbed her hips and brought her back.

"You don't have to... I- I probably shouldn't have... "

He silenced her with a soft kiss that quickly turned harsh. He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her in closer, his lips moving perfectly against hers. When he finally released her she was in a daze, feeling like the breath had been taken from her lungs.

"Johnny, I-"

"Been curious about that." He said.

"Yeah? Why'd you wait so long?" She teased as she tried to regain her composure.

"Didn't think you wanted it. Why'd you waste your time on the cop?"

"Just can't let that go, can ya?" She laughed and leaned in for a hug.

"Never will. Still annoys me." He pulled her in and held her pressed against his chest.

"I wouldn't have fucked him had I known you wanted this." V was enjoying the softness of his touch as he ran his hands down her sides to her hips.

"Guess we need to communicate better," he said.

"And here I thought our problem was too much communication." She kissed his neck without thinking and paused, unsure if he was ready for more.

Johnny let out a soft sigh, "you need to rest."

"I'm not tired. Especially not now." V said, not moving away from him.

"Not really sure of this is a good idea." Johnny said.

"Since when do you worry about that?" V pressed her lips to his neck again.

"Since I started to like havin' you around," he admitted, but he made no move to stop you.

"Isn't that a good reason to keep going?" She pulled back, searching his expression for an answer.

"Relationships with me tend to break down once the fucking starts."

"It's not like you can leave though." V shrugged.

"Might not work out like you think." He  stood still and let her continue to kiss along his jaw.

"It might work out better than you think." V placed her hand on his chest.

"Stop and think it over before you keep doin' that, V." He let out a low grunt as she continued to kiss closer to his lips.

"Already thought about it, Johnny," she whispered, breath hot against his skin.

His hand was around her throat in an instant as he shifted their positions, pressing her back against the wall.

"Ain't no going back after. Sure you want this?" Johnny's lips were close, but just out of reach for her.

"Yes, Johnny. Tell me you don't?" She was already panting for him.

"Pretty sure you know the answer to that, V," he said softly.

"Then take what you want," she whispered, eyes darting between his eyes and lips.

"Exactly what I've always done and it usually doesn't end well."

"But not with me." V was struggling to keep from begging. 

"V-"

"Please, Johnny?" She asked softly, hoping he'd give in to what they both wanted.

He pulled her into a harsh kiss, making her moan at the sudden contact.

His hands moved down her sides to grab the hem of her tanktop and pull it over her head. The sound of his dog tags clinging as they fell back to her chest was like music to his ears.

Johnny returned his lips to hers as if he was dying for another taste. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him flush against her. His hands moved down to her pants, working at the button and her belt until he could push her pants down to her knees.

He had to concentrate on being gentle with her after what happened. That wasn't his usual style, but for her, he was willing to change things up. He was finally understanding why it could be satisfying to put someone else's needs above his own. V more than deserved that, especially after he was dropped unceremoniously into her psyche.

"Damn shoes." She sighed as she worked to get them off.

"No rush, V." Johnny said as he trailed his lips down her neck.

She finally got them off and shuffled out of her pants. She pulled him close and kissed him again, needing to feel his lips against her once more.

"We're going slow. Can't have you feeling worse." He slowly walked her towards the bed and gently laid her down.

"You don't have to treat me like glass, Johnny. Not gonna break that easy."

"No doubts that you're tough, V. But you need to take it easy." He crawled on the bed and peeled her panties off, settling between her thighs.

"Just relax," he said as he lowered his head and slid his tongue up her cunt.

V inhaled sharply at the feeling of his tongue flicking over her clit.

"Fuck, Johnny." She squirmed.

"Still, V." He ordered and ducked his head back down to focus on eating her out.

She gripped the sheets beneath her and tried to stay still, but it was proving to be a lot harder than she thought.

The only sounds in the room were her shallow breaths and the faint sound of Johnny's tongue lapping at her clit.

The bed creaked beneath her the harder he pressed her into the mattress.

"Johnny..." V panted for him the closer she got to coming.

"Let go for me, V." Johnny said.

She held on as long as she could, not ready for it to end.

"Don't be stubborn, V," he said, breath warm against her skin.

"You're the stubborn one, Johnny, remember?" She moaned as she squirmed beneath him.

Johnny grinned and dove back in, moving his tongue faster and easing two fingers into her. V bucked and writhed  until she couldn't hold on any longer.

"Fuck... don't stop- right there." She moaned loudly as she came.

[bred-by-insanity]

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[criminalminds4days]

Family Matters |  Chapter 4: Saying Sorry is a Virtue

Hello my beautiful souls!!

I hope this of you who celebrate Christmas had and amazing time, and those if you who don't had a great Friday!

I had a really chill holiday, and although I was supposed to be home and that didn't happen, I'm still glad I had a good time. I got a watch for Christmas and I'm obsessed!!

Anyway, I also wanted to let you guys know I'll be posting the story on Wattpad, and thanks to @meowiemari I also have a cover. I have attached it below! My wattpad user is @criminalminds4days so feel free to follow and read along!

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. It's one of my favorites. 💙💙

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references, violence and murder references, public embarrassment, and very bad jokes!

Word Count: 3.6k

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tag list: @mcntsee @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @evelyncade @haylaansmi @paulaern @myfandomlife-blog

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(This gif is not mine)

Chapter 4: Saying Sorry is a Virtue

It had been a little over three months since her absolute wrecking of the family retreat. She had managed to get her mom to get past it, and though she had promised to apologize to the rest of her aunts and uncles, she had not gotten around (well, more like she didn't think it was necessary, they probably had already forgotten, and she did actually mean every word she said).

Her team and she had evaded more danger than possible in the last couple of weeks, and she had a feeling today she would not be returning to her bed to sleep. She also had to figure out what she wanted to get Spencer for his birthday. She was so excited to celebrate with him that she wanted to spill her idea of a surprise birthday party to him, but she needed to remain strong. She just hoped he would like it, and that she could find something to give him. She knew him so much better now and had so many things that he would like, but she wanted this gift to be unique, something that reminded him of her. Not that she wanted him thinking about her all the time because that would be weird, but maybe once in a while?

A knock on her door made her get out of her head. She walked to see Tyler Hemingway standing on the other side.

"Can I come in?"

"Why?"

"I just-" He looked at the floor, nervous. "I was just hoping we could talk."

"We can talk right here, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to say I am sorry, for what happened."

"What exactly? That you humiliated me in front of my family, or that your wife called me and my boyfriend liars."

"All of it, I should have known better."

"Yes, you should have." She debated whether to say something else but decided against it. "I honestly don't understand where this is coming from, it was two years ago."

"I know, and I am also sorry it has taken me so long to say anything. I just didn't know how to approach the situation, and what we had was so special, I wish I hadn't ruined it."

She had waited to hear those words for so long that how wrong what she did, didn't occur to her until the damage had been done. Even if her feelings for the man in front of her were not the same as they were two years ago, those words were enough to make her become less hostile towards him. She let Tyler in, forgetting Spencer was waiting for her to pick him up in about twenty minutes.

"Spencer? Why are you late?"

"Because she didn't pick me up like she was supposed to. I assumed she may be running a little late, so I waited and then I called her, but it went straight to voicemail." He responded to Emily.

"That is so not like her, should we be worried?"

"I don't know, but I already am, maybe we should go see if she's home or something."

The elevator doors opened once again as Spencer and Emily were preparing themselves to raid her house in order to find her. She stepped out, a look of immense guilt present as her eyes landed on the brunette. He did not seem upset, more like relieved she was there. Emily dropped her jacket and embraced her, a huge weight lifting off her shoulders after seeing her. When she was released from the woman's hug, she directed her eyes back to him.

"I am so sorry; I was on my way-" before she could explain Aaron Hotchner told them to join the rest of the team at the round table to discuss the next case.

"This one is a bad one," JJ said as she read through the file. "These people are killing families. Not even the children are spared."

"Yeah, and it's only getting worse." Said Penelope as she shared the pictures of the crime scenes. She wished she could concentrate but Spencer kept glancing at her with worry. He knew something wasn't right, but she didn't know how to explain it without sounding like she was digging herself in a bigger hole.

She avoided him on the jet, as she pretended to be asleep and then engaged in a very interesting conversation with JJ about diapers and toddlers. As much as she loved the blonde, she sometimes didn't appreciate learning all these baby facts, it took the wishes to have children away faster than anything else.

She was now in a black SUV, with Spencer in the back seat and Emily driving. She sat in the front seat as they drove towards the hospital. One of the girls had been spared and they were hoping to talk to her about the unsubs.

"So, why were you late this morning?" Emily questioned, "You left Cinderella over there without his carriage."

"Yeah, I know. I am so sorry Spencer."

"It's okay, I just got worried."

"I know, and I am so sorry." She took a deep breath, preparing to explain to them why she had been delayed. "I just got some unexpected company this morning."

"Was it Anna?"

"No, she has been radio silent for these past couple of months, I'm assuming she is building a bulletproof alibi for when she decides to murder me."

"Is there something I should know about?" Emily asked as she stole glances at her.

"Spencer and I went to my family retreat a couple of months ago and when we were there I may or may not have basically told my aunts and uncles to go fuck themselves."

"You explicitly told them to do so." Spencer clarified.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because they all sucked. Emily if you would have been there, you would have done the same." Spencer responded. "But going back to the main topic, who came to your apartment today? Was it your mom?"

"We need to have a conversation about this whole family retreat thing!" The woman behind the steering wheel complained.

"I will tell you all about it tonight." She assured her. "And no, Spence, it wasn't my mom, it was someone a little closer to Anna."

"Her mom?"

"No, Tyler."

There was no response to that, Spencer looked like he didn't know exactly what he was feeling, while Emily seemed like she had returned to watch her favorite show only to find out she missed a whole season, and she had no idea what happened to the storyline she was following.

"Who's Tyler?"

"Anna's husband." She clarified, "he came to apologize for everything, and to say that he didn't think what Anna did was okay."

Reid scoffed, "and you believe him?"

"He seemed very genuine about it."

"Unbelievable."

"I am so lost right now."

"Spencer, are you upset about this?"

"Me? Why should I? It's not like I pretended to be your boyfriend to prevent him from making you feel any worse than he had already, and you ended up right back at where you started."

"Are you implying I slept with him?"

"I never said that."

"Well then what are you saying? Because need I remind you, he is a married man. I would never do something like that." She crossed her arms, becoming defensive of the situation. "He simply wanted to talk, so I listened. It was a conversation, and it's just going to be a dinner. Nothing more."

"Oh, so you're going on a date with him too?"

"It's not a date! Did I not mention he was married?! To another woman!"

"Being with someone else has never stopped him before."

"What is happening right now?" Emily asked, to no one in particular.

"Seriously Spencer?"

"Did I lie?"

"Why are you so worked up about this? It doesn't even concern you."

"I am upset, because even after he told you in front of all your family that he was in love with your cousin and married her, breaking your heart, he says, 'I'm sorry' and suddenly he's back on the top of your priority list." He spits out, his emotions running high.

"This man did what now?" Both looked at Prentiss as if remembering she was there all along.

"I can't believe you just said that! I confided in you."

"And I trusted you."

"It was one day! I forgot to pick you up one day and suddenly I am the worst person on this planet, really?"

"Are you seriously so oblivious to think this is about some stupid ride?"

"Guys,"

"No? Then what is this about? Is this about me making you look bad or something?"

"No, it's about the fact that after all we've been through and the fact that I have done all I can to help you and be there for you I am still less important than Tyler fucking Hemingway."

"Guys,"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Guys,"

"It doesn't even matter anymore, enjoy your dinner." He undid his seat belt. "Why didn't you tell me we were here Emily?"

"I have been trying."

"Let's go then." He said as he exited the SUV marching up to the hospital entrance.

"What is his problem?" She asked Emily, still heated by the discussion.

"Well,-"

Before Prentiss could respond she was cut off. "I mean, yes, this guy broke my heart but that doesn't mean I have to hold a grudge forever, right? I might as well move past it, don't you think?"

"If you ask me-"

"And it was one conversation, and we're going out to dinner to finish it, there is nothing wrong with that. I don't know why he got so worked up about it, do you?"

"Yeah-"

"You know what, screw Spencer, if he wants to be a jerk for no fucking reason, let him do it. I am not going to lose sleep over it, nor am I gonna give him explanations. Who the hell does he think he is?"

"I think-"

"Yeah, you're right Emily, when Reid decides to get his shit together he can talk to me, in the meantime, we need to find out who these unsubs are before they hurt anyone else." She undid her seatbelt and opened the door, Emily still sitting there, trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. "Aren't you coming?"

"Yeah, sure." She followed suit and they both entered the hospital. Spencer was speaking to the girl's nurse as they approached, he didn't make any comments, but he also didn't acknowledge her, nor invite her into the conversation as he did to Emily. He was acting professional and doing his job, but his stance and emotions were very clear by the lack of interactions between them unless it was absolutely necessary.

As soon as Emily entered the room to interview the victim, the silence that engulfed them made her heart tighten. Spencer and she had gone past this already, they were friends, there was never a silent moment between them, and now all of that seemed to vanish in the air, all because of her decision to let Tyler Hemingway apologize.

She chose to ignore the situation until further notice. Emily was right, Spencer was being a dramatic prick and she was just gonna give him the time to realize that he was wrong. So when she got to bed, grateful for a bit of peace knowing one of the killers had been identified and was going to be caught soon, the last thing she wanted to do was have a conversation with Emily about the topic this same one had told her to not think about.

"I didn't say to just ignore it. As a matter of fact, I didn't get one sentence out during the whole drive to the hospital."

"That can't be true."

"Oh, but it was. Now I know how Reid felt when Gideon left." She fixed her shirt and continued, "well, regardless, what happened between you and Tyler, and what exactly does Dr. Genius know?"

"Spence knows pretty much everything, it kind of came with the territory." She recounted the story and this time she didn't leave any detail out, well, almost didn't leave any detail out.

Emily learned about Anna and their rivalry, Tyler and him choosing her cousin over her, the only thing she never even brought up was her dad. Only Spencer knew about it and she wanted to keep it that way. She finally landed on the weekend in question and the words she had shared with her cousin. Though that wasn't exactly what Prentiss found worrisome.

"You and Reid kissed?! Like on the lips?!" She screamed.

"Yeah, it was just so they would stop bugging us. It's not even the first time we kissed, so why is it a big deal?"

"Wait, you've kissed him before that day?"

"Yeah, at my cousin's wedding."

"Holy shit! I was not expecting that. My OTP is getting all these moments that will eventually lead to the ship sailing and I didn't even know about them!"

"Have you started talking another language by accident or something? I don't understand anything of what you just said."

"Don't worry about it. On a scale of one to ten, how good of a kisser is he?"

"Eleven." She responded immediately, "but that has nothing to do with this whole situation."

"It definitely does! Now it makes sense, Reid thinks you still have feelings for your ex, and he's jealous. He probably doesn't even know it, and he's probably trying to understand why he is so upset with you. Oh my god, he's jealous!"

"Emily, he's not jealous. Spence and I are not dating, we pretended to be a couple." She explained, thinking the woman hadn't understood her.

"Yeah, I know that, but I also know that any fake dating movie or book has always reached a point where the two main characters become unconsciously aware of their feelings. This is it! THIS IS IT!" She shook her and laughed, then suddenly came to a stop. "Oh my god, I am the best friend. I am definitely the friend that gives some wise advice that makes it click in your brain, let me think," she looked around the room as if inspiration would pop out of the bed. "I got it: get your shit together and marry Spencer." She stood and walked out the door, before fully closing it she spoke again, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk some sense into our little genius. Love you, hope I am invited to the wedding!"

Though after the break in the case they had found themselves relieved and on their way back, the nagging feeling she called Emily Prentiss kept insisting that both doctors were actually in love and that all they needed to do was kiss and become a couple. It was so constant that even when she wasn't around she could hear her echo. Like right then when she was trying to brush her hair and mentally prepare herself for whatever this dinner with Tyler was going to bring. Though she and Spencer had not yelled or continued to argue, there was nothing else left of their friendship, at least that's what it seemed like. It was as if the past months were a dream and they were just back to being coworkers, and that feeling was burning her up inside. She did not realize how important he had become in her life until he wasn't a part of it anymore.

"You look great," Tyler said as she entered the restaurant.

"Thanks, Spence helped me pick out this shirt when we went to the mall a couple of weeks ago. He said blue always looked good on me."

"That's great." The man responded, clearly uncomfortable. "So, I know you had to leave for work the other day, but I was hoping now we could talk more about what happened between us."

"Yes, of course."

She didn't really understand how she had gotten to the point of having an actual conversation with the man sitting across from her, because she had been angry at him for so long, that it never occurred to her as a possibility. He had once again apologized and given her a tale of how he had let his emotions guide him without realizing he could hurt others, and while that didn't excuse his actions, she still accepted his apology, choosing instead to move on from their current limbo. They had quickly changed the conversation, like if two old friends had reconnected after so long. Tyler was a great friend when he wanted to be, he was pleasant company, to say the least.

"And the other day, Spence was trying to learn to play the piano, and I told him there was no way he could learn in a week. So what did he do? He-"

"Stop, just stop!" He interrupted her, and she furrowed her eyebrows confused. "I have been sitting here for an hour listening to you talk about your stupid boyfriend and his IQ of 187." He rubbed his hands through his face and tried to calm down. "Was this the plan all along? You heard me tell you that I wished I hadn't ruined our relationship and decided playing with me was perfect revenge? Accepting dinner only to humiliate me by ignoring me and choosing to talk about that Spencer guy? Is he in on it or something?"

Oh. My. God.

Reid was right, this man was not looking to mend old friendships or start a new chapter, he was looking for a mistress. 

"You, are the worst type of jerk I have ever met. I actually believed you wanted to be friends, to turn the page but all you wanted was to get in my pants." She stood, grabbing her drink and spilling it over him. "I hope I never see you again. Go fuck yourself Tyler." She walked, but before she exited the restaurant she returned and gave him a fake smile, "and also, Thank you for humiliating me in front of my family, you showed me how little you were and that I could do so much better. Say, an FBI agent with an IQ of 187." Once again she turned and this time she didn't even bother looking back.

The drive to her apartment was long, mostly because she didn't drive there, but to Spencer Reid's home. She felt her palms sweat, she hated admitting she was wrong, but she hated not having Spencer around much more than a bruised ego. She knocked on the door and Spencer opened, he looked confused, but as soon as he registered her in he simply raised an eyebrow and changed his confused demeanor to a completely neutral.

"I came to tell you that you were right. He just wanted to get in pants." There was no response, and she fiddled with her hands. "I actually thought he wanted to apologize, and I think part of me just wanted to believe that for the first time I was not being used, that people actually cared about what I felt."

"There are people that care about you, they are just not the wants you wanted to."

"No, they are! I thought I needed the people who wronged me to fix it, to show me that I was worth the trouble when in reality all I needed was for me to understand that I was. And I just needed a reminder that the people that care about me are the ones that should matter the most." A trace of a smile formed on his lips. "I am so sorry about how I acted, and I am sorry I left you here waiting for me. Spencer Reid, you are my best friend and you come before any other jerk out there. I need you to know that this time in which I didn't have you with me was miserable. I missed you so much I spent the whole dinner with Tyler talking about you."

"You did?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, I did. I missed you, and I hope we never fight again, I don't know what I would do without your friendship."

"I missed you too." She bit her lip, and he smiled. "Wanna come in and watch TV?"

"I would love that."

"That's good to hear, I am trying to get Spence here to watch Dance Moms with me but he refuses, maybe if there is two of us, he'll change his mind." A voice inside his apartment spoke. He opened the door to reveal Emily Prentiss wearing Pjs with The Hunger Games symbols on them. "May I say, you look hot. Blue suits you."

"So I've been told."

"Are you sure you can handle being in that close all night though? Maybe Spencer can lend you one of his shirts." She said, winking at them.

"Has she been drinking?"

"It's her third bottle of wine."

"We need to cut her off."

"Yeah, we do." He smiled at her, "She's right though, if you want to borrow something more comfortable let me know."

"Careful Spencer Reid, I might take you up on that."

"Awwww, YOU TWO ARE ADORABLE!" The woman screamed. "Just get married already!"

The pair laughed and made their way to the sofa, she closed the door behind her and sat down, feeling whole for the first time this week. Emily and Spencer were the best friends a girl could ask for, and she couldn't think of a better way to spend the rest of her night than watching trash TV with the two of them as they laughed and joked.

It was home. 

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Six

Words: 3.8k

Warning(s): Explicit language, explicit sexual situations, drug abuse, violence, domestic abuse

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I glance over as Emi starts on God, seeing her absentmindedly fumble with her cross as Mick listens intently, a small smile coming to my face. 

She's as enthusiastic about her beliefs as I am. It's a little more comforting having someone around that's on the same page as I am. 

That is until Nikki gets tired of hearing her go on and on about Christ. 

It's probably giving him flashbacks of conversations with Vanity. 

"Can you shut the fuck up?!" He yells back here to her, and she abruptly stops, looking at him. 

"Sixx, you're not even back here, just mind your own business." Mick boldly replies, too tired to fight about it. 

"What did you just say to me?" He cuts his eyes sharply. 

"He said mind your own business! It's not our fault your blood starts boiling and combusts into flames anytime someone mentions God! Shut up and deal with it and stop being a little bitch!" I state and he glares at me. 

A Jack Daniel's bottle is hurtling my way in no time, and I duck, causing it to hit Mick and Emi, soaking them in Jack. 

"Fuck you!" Nikki yells at me. "And you know what?! If God is so real why doesn't he just strike us out of the sky right fucking now?!" 

This sends Emi into a frenzy, grabbing her crucifix, praying, while Tommy and Vince join in on further terrorizing her, dropping their pants, along with Nikki, while they all shout on about how God needs to suck their dicks. 

I'd be offended if I knew God was. He's more than likely just looking down at them, shaking his head, wondering why he decided to create them in the first place when all they're doing is wasting their lives on booze, used pussy, and any drugs they can get their hands on. 

All the sudden, Tommy disappears into the pilots cabin, and within seconds we're doing a barrel roll, making Emi start screaming and crying. 

Once we get level, I'm taking a few deep breaths before coming to my feet. 

"Vivian." Fred scolds me, knowing what's coming, but I ignore him, marching to Nikki, Vince and Tommy, punching them both in the back of the head as hard as I can before slapping Vince with the same energy, Fred and Doc getting in the way before they can come back at me. 

"Fucking bitch!" Nikki barks at me. 

"Heard that one too many times, it's starting to bore me!" I bite back as Doc pulls me to the back of the plane. 

"See how boring my fingers around your neck are gonna be when I get ahold of you again!" He yells after me, Fred shoving him into a seat. 

"Maybe you'll kill me this time and do us both a favor!" I reply. 

"We have a gun at home just put it in your mouth and fire a-fucking-way!" 

"I would if I didn't know it'd make you so freaking happy, you sick junkie!" 

"God forbid you do anything to make me happy!"

"I sacrificed my dancing and my schooling to make you happy!" I throw at him.

"You threw out your chance to go to school and do what you were passionate about for me when I never even wanted you to do that! I wanted you to go to school, I wanted you to keep dancing but you didn't because you were too much of a pussy to leave 'cause you thought I'd break up with you!" 

"And we see where that fucking got me, don't me?! Married to a sick man who has no qualms about screwing his wife's best friend for over a year in the house he bought for her, in the bed they share!" 

"If that sick man didn't marry such a selfish, evil, farm fresh cunt from hell he wouldn't have felt the need to step out on her!" 

"You stepped out on me for drug love!" 

"I stepped out because I was bored with you and she fucked good!" He's venomously snapping at me. 

I want to say, "trust me, I know the feeling!" but decide not to. 

"Just be sure to mention that to our lawyers when you get back from Japan because I'm sick and tired of being married to you!" I shout. 

"Fuck you!" He screams. 

"Fuck both of you!" Doc snaps at us, heaving heavy breaths. "Now, I've had it, dammit!" He screams. 

We're all silent for a moment, before I'm glaring at Nikki. 

"See what you did, asshole?!" I accuse him. 

"What I did?!" He yells back, brows furrowing.

"Yes, what you did, since the only thing you're good at is stressing people out!" I shout at him. 

"I stress people out?! I stress people out?!" He starts laughing humorlessly. "I turned to fucking smack to escape your stress inducing bullshit, you delusional, rabid cunt!" He barks at me as Fred tugs me to the bathroom before I can get the last word in, locking me in until it's time to land. 

By the time we get to Fort Lauderdale, we've both calmed down enough to tolerate each once again, which is good considering paparazzi is on us like flees to a dog. 

"Vivian, Nikki!" Press shouts as cameras flash, Nikki reluctantly grasping at my hand as Fred clears a path in the people to car. 

When they see Vince, Tommy, Mick and Tansy behind us, they go after them next, giving me and Nikki time to duck into the car. 

"Geez." I sigh out, fixing my hair as Nikki moves across from me the second the door shuts. 

He leans his head back, cursing under his breath, raking a hand down his face. 

"You okay?" I ask him, genuinely, and he sneers, his eyes still closed as he catches his breath. 

"No, Vivian, no, I'm not okay." He huffs out with a sharp scoff, and I rub my lips together. 

"It's hard on me, too, you know. You aren't by yourse--"

"--Bab--Vivian, just shh." He catches himself before he says, "baby," and my heart tenses up in my chest. 

"Would you rather me scream at you and start an argument?" I ask him and he sits up, looking at me with smeared, running eyeliner, circles under his eyes, and ghostly skin. 

"I'd rather you just keep your mouth shut." He states, fumbling with his boot, pulling some tar, a spoon and a syringe out. 

"Oh, you aren't serious..." I say to him, raising a brow. 

"Me,Tansy, Izzy, Andy, Michael...don't act like you haven't seen someone shoot up before, Viv. If it makes you pussy out just close your eyes. I'll be done in a few seconds." He mumbles, about to start heating it in the spoon. 

I do just that, until I decide I'm not sitting around and let him kill himself anymore. 

I go to snatch the syringe and lump of smack away from him before he can stop me, opening the sunroof and throwing it out, going for his syringe next. 

"Stop!" He barks at me, guarding it, the both of us ending up on the floor of the limousine. 

"Nikki!" I scream, fighting with him to get it, but a sharp pain is soon shooting through my pointer finger as the needle stabs through the underside of my finger and out the top. 

It was by accident, being that he wasn't even holding the needle. 

"Motherfucker!" I scream to myself, Nikki's face paling further at the sight, as he lays underneath me while my tears are rolling down my cheeks as stinging pain spread through the nerves of my fingers, followed by the buzzing of the micro-amount of heroin on the tip of the needle that pierced my skin. 

I hiss as I pull it out and aim the needle at the car's carpet, getting rid of the shot, holding my bleeding finger as I sit up, Nikki still looking sick as I get off of him. 

"That shit wasn't cheap." He tells me, pulling himself up.

I don't pay him any attention, my finger starting to throb. 

He stares at me while I have my little pity party, before he takes a long sigh and grabs at my hurt finger, making me sniffle. 

"It's not like it went through the bone, Viv." He says dismissively, although he still holds to my finger as if trying to make it better. 

"Just shut up." I snatch away from him, frustrated.

"You shut up." He replies in the same harsh tone. 

"You fuck off." I kick my heel into his knee and he grabs my ankle and tugs at me, causing me to slide into the limo floor again. "Nikki!" I kick again with my other foot, this time, missing his crotch by mere centimeters. 

He slides to the other side of the seating to get away from me. 

When we stop at the next light, I'm reaching for the door handle and opening it up, causing him to pounce on me, and slam the door as I open it, yelling, "goddamnit, Sixx!" pinning me under him to keep me from opening it again. 

We both take heavy breaths, looking at each other...he smells repulsive, but I've missed the presence of his close proximity. 

The door opens suddenly, Doc and Fred looking down at us. 

Apparently we didn't stop at a red light, but our destination.

We both look up at them like guilty puppies, piled on each other, Fred, in particular, eyeing me like a hawk. 

"We're here." Doc informs us as we pull ourselves out of the car, and I brush off as Doc and Nikki walk ahead of me and Fred. 

"Don't say a word." I tell Fred.

"Wasn't going to." He assures me.

"It wasn't what it looked like." I say next. 

"Never said it was." He replies.

"Yeah, but, I know what it looked like, and--"

"--Viv, I'm not saying a word about it." He reassures me as we walk into the venue to see Steven, Slash, and Izzy sitting on the stage. 

Stevie sees me and makes a beeline for me, making a point to hug me. 

Steven was like Vince, but a hell of a lot more genuine and wholesome. He just loved love, affection, flirting, and women--especially women.

"Duff's really upset over what happened, Viv." He tells me in my ear. 

"I'll talk to him." I reply with a slight nod. 

"I don't know if just talking it out is gonna help much of anything, babe." He says lowly and I let out a breath. 

"I'll talk to him." I repeat, brushing off his warning. 

When I get on the bus, Duff's got his shirt off, shuffling through his bag, glancing at me. 

"Hey." I say to him.

"Hey." He mumbles back, grabbing another tshirt to put on. 

"Steven said you were still pretty upset about last night." I tell him, stepping a little closer. 

"Not with you...just...the situation." He explains in a low, frustrated tone. 

"Well, do you wanna talk about it?" I offer. 

He looks at me, letting out a breath, licking his lips.

"You've already said you guys are getting divorced, so, it's not like it really matters." He shrugs. "Just having a little trouble pretending like he didn't damn near kill you, but..." he trails off, seeing the look on me face before saying, "I'll get over it, Viv, alright? Don't worry about me jumping on him again or anything like that." 

"I'm not worried about that." I assure him, grasping at his hand, tugging him closer to me in the aisle, a small smile on his lips as his hand runs through my hair, our eyes locked. 

"I love you." He tells me, my arms wrapping around his waist. 

"I love you, too." I grin, and he presses his lips to mine, sweetly, before I'm pulling away. 

"Alright, your show starts in an hour and a half." I inform him. 

"Okay." He says dismissively, kissing me again. 

"Duff, we gotta go." I giggle, his lips kissing at my cheek, then my neck. 

"We will." He says against my skin, chuckling. 

"If you're late, Axl's gonna kill us both." I remind him, kissing him again. 

As always, one thing led to another, and then…

"Duff," I whimper out, my bare back wet with sweat from the humidity in the Florida air, my thighs spread as he pushes his fingers in and out of me on the table of the empty tour bus--my dress discarded to the floor, leaving me in only my heels since I wasn't wear a bra or panties, specifically prepared for this moment. 

The wet sounds of his fingers toying with my soaked pussy reverberate off the walls of the bus, only making the ache in me more hungry. 

His tongue swirls around my nipple, and he bites it teasingly, making arch into him, his fingers plunging deeply into me, purposely brushing that spot. 

I runny fingers through his hair as he goes to my other nipple, doing the same to it, making me sigh out in pleasure. 

He kisses my lips before grinning, taking a step back to look between my legs as if admiring me, his bare torso tensing with each breath in, his hand raking over his blonde hair. 

I pull my lip into my mouth, placing my heel on his chest, gently pushing him to sit down across the aisle, and I look at him smugly as he watches me, his hand palming at his crotch. 

I turn over to my hands and knees on the table, arching my ass up and my face down before reaching my hand underneath me to rub at my clit, watching over my shoulder as he takes heavy breaths. 

Two of my fingers tease at my entrance, and I moan out as they slide into me, my walls tightening around my digits as pleasure prickles up my spine. 

He keeps his eyes glued to me as I move my other hand to my clit, my toes curling as I eventually bring myself to orgasm, but I don't have time to recover before Duff's hands are grabbing my hips and his tongue is lapping at my center, sucking at my clit from behind. 

I gasp, my hand reaching back to hold his face to me, my body moving in rhythm with his tongue. 

Moans and whimpers come from me, and he pulls away for a moment, only to pull me into the aisle and push at my back until I've got my hands on the floor, completely bent over as he gets a better angle at eating me out. 

I nearly scream at the sudden accessibility he's got, on his knees, lips and tongue going to work. 

"I'm gonna come." I gasp out and he presses one more kiss to my clit before two of his fingers thrust into my cunt, making my eyes roll back at their demanding pace, curling to hit against my g-spot. 

He stands up, never pulling his hand away as the other hand holds at my hip, leaving to run over my ass cheek for a moment as I begin to spasm around his fingers, my legs shaking as cum runs down them. 

He pulls his fingers from me and I'm standing and turning to face him, sucking them into my mouth and he curses under his breath as I keep them in my mouth, my hand unbuckling his belt and pulling his hard cock out of his jeans, wanting him down my throat at the sight of precum beading at his tip. 

I keep my control, letting his fingers from my mouth as I'm licking my lips and rubbing my thighs together. 

I sit on the edge of the table, my legs spread, my hand between my legs as he steps to me, grabbing his prick and rubbing it against my sensitive folds. 

"Fuck, Vivian." He says softly, smile on his lips as if he still can't believe he's sleeping with me. 

I just grin at him and pull him down to kiss me. 

I cry out when he takes the time to push into me, hitting as deep as he can with a few more inches to spare. 

"Make me take all of it." I tell him after he thrusts a few times. 

He watches my face as he slowly inches it further and further into me, his tip hitting my cervix and pressing against it, making it give way little by little until he's buried in me to the hilt and I feel like he's in my stomach, tears in my eyes from the painful pleasure. 

"This is how deep I want you to go when you come." I tell him, sweat beading between my breasts and he watches it, leaning forward to lick it off my skin. 

"You want me to come in you?" He asks me, knowing the answer but wanting to hear me say it. 

"Yes." I nod, gasping. 

"Why?" He asks and I look down, his shaft disappearing into me and coming out glistening with my juices. 

"Because it feels so good." I reply and he grabs my jaw, his tongue meeting mine in a sloppy, passionate kiss as he picks up his pace. 

I grab his hand and guide it to my bruised throat. 

He almost pulls his hand away but stops when I look at him. 

"You're not gonna--fuck--hurt me." I assure him, my hungry pussy being fed the way its needed, making my eyes roll back and my lids close as my head tilts back.

He slowly grasps my throat, harder and harder, and the sensation sends sharp pleasure straight to my clit. 

My fingers go to play with it, but his fingers move mine from his way, staying in fast rhythm with his thrusts.

"I'm--" I can't finish what I'm saying before he moans out with me tightening around him, further wetting him with my juices as I finish

Within a couple more minutes he's breathing out, his dick twitching before he fits all of his length into my cunt and my body's being christened with his hot cum. 

Once I cool down and clean myself up, I'm going back to him. 

I pull my shirt back over my head as his hand runs up and down my back, his lips catching on the space between my shoulder blades before the fabric of my shirt can cover me, making me laugh. 

"Duff, we--" 

"Dude, we eat on that table!" We hear Stevie pipe, and turn to see him and Izzy looking at us in horror, by the door, where we're sitting on the table. 

"So did Duff, apparently." Izzy says with a crooked smile, cigarette smoke cascading past his lips as he finds it amusing. 

"Sorry." I say to them, quickly getting dressed as Duff gets up to pull his pants on. 

"We didn't see anything, don't worry. We just waited for the screaming to subside." Izzy lets out. "Axl's wondering where you guys are."

"Of course he is." I roll my eyes. 

"Not for that reason. I think he wants to talk to you about Tansy." He adds. 

"Tansy? What about her?" 

"What do you think?" 

"She's not going to rehab until she wants to." I immediately know what he's referring to. "And being that she's not enthusiastic about living, I doubt she cares whether she dies or not." 

"Well, Axl's all worried and googly eyed and gross." Izzy huffs out. 

"Plus, she's our friend, too, and we've all been trying to talk to her about getting some help." Steven tells me, next.

I get my shoes on and step past them to the door. 

"See ya in a few." Duff tells me. 

"See ya in a few." I reply, smiling at him, before going to find Axl.

The irony of anybody from Guns being worried for Tansy due to her drug addiction was exactly that: ironic. 

But I don't blame Axl for not wanting to see the girl he was miserably in love with (well, obsessed and unhealthily infatuated with) on the brink of her own final destruction. I guess because I'd been there with Nikki, myself, and knew how scary it was--even if big, bad, mean machine Axl refused to admit he was scared, I knew he was.

"Have you seen Axl?" I ask Doc as I pass him by, and he furrows his brows. 

"Might check their dressing room, I think." He replies and I nod. 

"Oh, and I'm sorry for mine and Nikki's fight earlier." I say before he can walk off. 

"Don't worry about it, Vivian." He nods a little as I offer a small smile and head to the guys' dressing room. 

The ginger isn't in there and I groan, heading to Mötley's dressing room to check in there, coming face to face with Sparkie. 

"What the hell are you doing in here?" I ask him, cutting my eyes. 

"Waiting for Nikki to get back from the bathroom...what about you?" He replies smugly. 

"Wondering why you're back when Nikki and Axl have both made it clear they don't want to see you again." I state. 

"The bitchy redhead isn't getting in the way of my business." He says, referring to dealing to Nikki. 

"You're so sick." I hiss out in disgust, turning to leave. 

"I'm kinda wanting to add a few drops of fuel to the fire, ya know...tell him about you and Duff." He starts, and I tense up, slowly looking at him. "End the last show of this leg of the tour with a bang." 

"He won't believe you." I try to say it confidently, but my voice cracks just slightly. 

"I don't think you're giving him enough credit, Viv. Sure he's high a lot of the time, but it's not hard to believe when almost all of your time is spent with Duff in some form or fashion--not to mention you lied about your friendship with him from the start, so…" he points out. 

"What gets you off about seeing people in pain? If you're not helping them destroy themselves, you're making things a lot worse for their life." I grit out. 

"I'm not making things worse for his life by telling him about your inability to keep your legs closed. You did--well, still are doing--the crime, I'm just giving him a heads up about it because he's my friend, and my friend needs to know what kind of snake his wife really is." He remarks and I grind my teeth, turning to go again, but he grabs my wrist. 

"Unless she wants to persuade me to keep her secret?" He suggests, his cruddy eyes traveling up my body like they always do. "Last chance, Viv." He adds. "If he finds out, it'll completely shatter him. You don't want that on your hands, do you?" He keeps on, stepping closer to me, his arm sliding around my waist slowly as I stand still, frozen, as my heart pounds in my chest. "It'll just take a few minutes, and then you can go on your merry way, and I won't say a word." He grins, the tip of his nose touching mine, his chapped lips grazing mine as the door opens, revealing Nikki. 

[thedreadvampy]

Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

[kon-konk]

Alright, finally got the list of tags done.  I’ll be updating these as I add more or adjust what they encompass.  I’ll also be slowly tagging the past year’s worth of posts, but I’ve got no idea how long that’ll take.

I tend to fast-reblog most things that I don’t post myself, so I’ll probably end up not tagging those unless requested or I know it’s something that would be requested.

I do not plan to tag swearing. I'm sorry, but I cuss like a sailor and don't even try to hide it. Fuck's in my username, so that should be enough of a warning there.

Red -  Under 18 block this one.

Orange -  This one’s up to you if you want to block it, as it isn’t necessary exclusively adult, but it might have disturbing content.  Yandere, possible suicidal or self-harm themes, and the like, unless explicit, will fall into this category.

Blue - These tags split down into specific subjects in the format of “[tag] [name/acronym]” or “[tag] [name/acronym]: [event/chapter/movie/section/etc.] [year (repeat events or remakes of shows/games only)]” (Ex: #Pei plays Genshin Impact, #Pei watches BSD, #Pei plays Twisted Wonderland: Ghost Marriage 2021)

#Pei says their piece - my thoughts/opinions on serious topics or important updates to the blog

#Pei talks too much - posts that I feel are long/rambly

#that sign says keep out - dark/upsetting content, but not quite to the point of falling under #Pei closed the curtains (ngl, this tag exists because of a thought I had about Dazai and his bandages)

#Pei closed the curtains - NSFW/adult/very dark/explicit content

#Tsubaki's cell door - this is a very dark NSFW au where Tsubaki is recaptured by C3. It includes, but it's not limited to, torture, noncon, dubcon, somnophilia, stabbing, etc. (This one was originally at the bottom of the list, but since it is NSFW and graphic, I figured it was best to put it up here so it's easily visible and not likely to be missed.)

#Pei talks real life - posts relating to my past or more close to heart/”intimate” moments of my life (Life updates that may alter my level of activity on here also fall into this.)

#Pei gets ideas - character/content ideas for either D&D or my writing

#Pei plays - anything about gaming

#Pei watches - anything about what I’ve watched/am watching (Will mostly be about anime.)

#Pei reads - anything about what I’m reading/have read (Will most likely be mostly manga, though I do read classics a lot.) (if I’m mentioning a specific book, I’ll be tagging it as “#Pei reads [author]” and “#Pei reads [book title]”)

#Pei talks canon headcanons - anything about my writing that’s not the actual writing (tidbits about characters, about the world setting, etc.)

#Pei's sampler day - where I watch the first episode of a bunch of anime to see which I want to watch. I mostly have this under it's own tag to keep up with it myself and edit the list for the day to reflect additions, shows I'll continue, and ones I won't.

#Pei promotes Pei - reblogs from side blogs (I’ve only got one right now, and it’s still under construction, but you never know how many you’ll end up with, eh?)

#work conversations - the wacky shit we end up talking about at work

#internal monologue - my best way of describing the chaos inside that thing I call a brain.  Apparently I’m a bit too good at compartmentalizing.

#Pei turned their brain off - reserved for when I do/say something either really fuckin’ dumb or that I should have known the answer to/the outcome of

#Pei answers things - for when I actually reply to things in my ask box

#Pei tries to be human - anything about me that I don’t consider “personal” or “intimate” (Lucky moments, that weird thing that happens to my head when it storms, stuff about my ankles, etc.)

#the more you know - educational?

#fungi are friends not food - anything about hobbies that aren’t anime or gaming (it’s hard to believe it, but I do have some of those)

#they're just digital puffballs ain't they? - VTubers, Vtubing, and anything related to them

#Pei has friends - pretty much anything that involves my friends

Here’s a list of tags for specific characters/groups of characters from my stories (with a tiny explanation of why it’s named as such and why some of the characters are filed under each):

#Pei rambles - posts that aren't really specifically about anything and thus things I don't know how to tag (midnight *cough* 4a rambles, talking about characters having the same VA, random blurbs of thought that are offshoots from thoughts about what I'm playing/watching/reading, etc. Just... Anything that I don't feel falls into a category I've listed but isn't big enough to make a tag for, ya know?)

#Wallflour chatter - Zag, Orpheus, Lia, Todd, and/or Chell (Wallflour is the name of Zag’s bakery, and honestly, the most common place to find everyone.  Orpheus spends a lot of time here chatting with Zag.  Lia both visits and works here occasionally.  Todd and Chell both have part-time jobs here.)

#oops i made a godling - Darcy, Chase, and Lune (Based on the fact that Darcy quite literally got so stressed studying for his exams that Chase was created.  Where Darcy goes, Chase goes, even is they’re not openly present. Lune lives in their dorm.)

#this degree lets me cuss - Jude, Jack, Rami (Jude cusses worse than me, and has a degree in ancient magic, so...there ya go.  Jack goes most places Jude goes, and Rami’s essentially their little brother, so he gets filed into this tag as well.)

#have you considered not doing that - Aethra, Abelia, and/or the Servants (Honestly, Lux was originally going to be included in this, but he’s usually the one asking the question to Aethra. Aethra’s very good at doing things that make Lux ask himself what he’s gotten himself into with them.  Where Aethra goes, Abelia follows mostly obediently, as per her contract.  The Servants get tucked in here just in case.)

#i guess i have the brains in this operation - Lux (Poor bastard may have a CON 4, but he’s got an INT 14 and WIS 18, so he’s painfully aware of the fact that he is the only voice of reason around Aethra.)

#sir this is a brothel - Kei, Tamu, Koya (Kei owns many intriguing establishments, more than one of which is actually a strangely-named brothel.  Tamu and Koya do act without Kei and aren’t entirely reliant on them, but Kei is generally pulling the strings behind the scenes if Koya is out of the house without Tamu or Kei, which is just how Koya prefers it.)

#war and their single brain cell - Archer, En, and Noreis (and any other members of the Green Dragons)

[rebelcap]

We are not just friends — Part 5

Chris Evans x bi!latina!character (Sofia is a people of color, she's brown.)

Chris and Sofia meet when their best friends started dating, it all started at friends with loads of bumps on the road.  

Warnings: drinking, smoking, drug use (weed), assault, Chris being Steve Rogers, commitment issues, my girl Sofia kinda messy, lots of fucking (eventually) 

This is slow burn at its best, at least emotionally. 

Series masterlist

Part 1 — Part 2 — Part 3 — Part 4

5. LA, still.

The first thing Sofia asked after greeting everyone was where was his baby Dodger.

“Oh, he's running around in the backyard. Wanna meet him?” Chris asked her, still arm around her shoulders.

“Are you kidding? yes.” She said with an enthusiasm that makes Chris smile bigger, he likes it when they love Dodger.

Specially likes how she loves his dog.

Chris showed her the backyard, sliding a gigantic glass door open and the rescued big puppy come running.

“Dodger!” Sofía kneeled on the grass and the dog went straight running to her and started licking her face as she pets him and kissed him all over. “Oh my God!, he's so pretty!” Sofía screamed back at Chris making him let out a laugh as he sat down in the grass beside her.

“He is.” He agreed as she kept scratching his ears, Dodger had made his way into her lap and was sitting there, like a lap dog.

“I love you, Dodger.” She said hugging the dog and buried her face on his fur, with a smile she let him go do his thing and Chris was looking at her with a wide smile, heart fluttering and he had that weird ringing on his ears when his anxiety picked a little.

“Oh man, I can't believe I just meet him.” She said with a pout but a smile tugging her lips. “I miss my dog.” Sofía mumble feeling her throat constrict but the sudden emotion, she took a deep breath and push it all down.

Chris noted that, making him sigh at how Sofia never let any sudden emotion take hold of her, in all this time he had never seen her shed a tear for anything. It was a little frustrating, he had seen her mad, pissy, quiet, and really happy but he had never seen her sad and crying.

It's not like he wants her to be sad, no. He just wants to be there for her and for Sofia to know she had someone, besides Amanda, to lean on.

Chris justs wanted to her to open up.

“I'm hungry, let's eat something and watch that game of yours.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“So, you're Chris's friend?” Brad, one of LA Chris's friends asked sneaking up on the kitchen where Sofia was in pizza duty while they watched the game (which she couldn't care less).

“Yeah, I am. You're Chris's friend?” She asked not falling for the bullshit he was about to spill, she didn't need to be a rocket scientist to know where this guy was going with asking that question.

Brad let out a laugh and walk up the few steps that separated them, Sofia didn't even acknowledge him as she put the pizza the oven to warm for a little bit.

“You need something?” She asked crossing her arms and laid her hip on the counter.

“Um, maybe but I just want to check if you and Chris are fucking so I can ask you out.”

Sofía’s brow went up as he spoke and let out a laugh of surprise.

“That's forward,”

“I don't like playing games,” Brad's and licking his lips and Sofia considered, he was kind of hot… he had that frat boy douchebag thing going on. He was tall, not as tall as Chris. Brunette and hazel eyes… She would totally one night stand a guy like him.

“So…?”

“So, what?”

“Are you guys fucking?”

“I'm going to say no otherwise, you shouldn't bother man.” She smiled up at him, taking the pizza out of the oven.

“You don't want to go out with me?” Brad asked he was kind of surprised. Apparently, girls didn't say no to him.

“Nope.”

“So you're fucking Chris then?” Brad asked, thinking that this would be the only good reason.

Sofia stared at him because she was in no mood to explain why she didn't want to go out with him.

“I don't understand how that had something to do with you asking me out?” She asked looking back at the counter and grabbed the pizza to walk back.

“I'm trying to know if you're off-limits.”

“Off-limits.” She laughed and shake her head. “I already said no, consider that off-limits.”

She walked off with the pizza in hand and put it on the coffee table in front of the TV.

“Man, I like your friend she brought us pizza.” One of the other guys said and Sofia let out a laugh. Chris laughed and grabbed Sofia and put his arm around her shoulders.

“Yeah, she's awesome.”

Chris ended up wrapping his arms around Sofia from behind and watching the game just like that. She kept whispering about how much Tom Brady was an asshole and how she would definitely fuck Julien enderman because he had a nice ass.

“I kind of see the appealing… a little.” She confesses in the midtime drinking a few beers.

“Now you like it? it's because of the hot guys?”

“Of course, why wouldn't you started there in the first place?” She told him with a wide smile and Chris shale his head with a smile.

“You had no idea how happy I am that this beer is going to be here,” Chris said with a smile enjoying the last of the six-pack Sofia had bought her.

The game had ended almost half an hour back and slowly but steady everyone leaves, leaving those two enjoying each other's company in the backyard, feeling the lukewarm air and the amazing view Chris had from his backyard.

“I'm happy that you're happy, should I talk with Ron and tell him that Captain America wants to sponsor them in exchange for a lifetime supply of beer?” She asked, kind of joking kind of not.

Chris looked at her, considering the offer.

“Will he accept?”

“His eleven-year-old is a fan of the Avengers. He's in the loop, so yeah. I would like to think so.”

“Okay then,” He laughed and Sofia took a swig of her Stella artroia. “Can you arrange it?”

“Of course.” She said and make him a face. “I feel like I should thank you.”

“Why?”

“I probably just got a raise, maybe a promotion.” She laughed. “Ron is gonna shit his pants.”

“He didn't know?” He asked. “About us, I mean that we're friends.”

“Nope,” Sofía said looking at the empty bottle. “I'm not that kind of person, I'm not your friend because you make movies. I'm not looking for something—” She said looking at him, feeling a little guilty about the whole sponsor thing. “Chris, you don't have to do anything, seriously. I'll still get you free beer. I wasn't setting you up, you know that, don't you?”

“Hon, it never crossed my mind. I know the kind of girl you are, Sof.” Chris said reaching up and grabbed her hand, he entwined his fingers with hers and kiss her knuckles.

“The phrase ‘kind of girl’ always makes me think about sexual things.” She teased as Chris smiled against her hand, his lips lingering there.

“Mmm… now, do I .” He said and Sofia let out a chuckle. Caressing his soft beard with the tip of his fingers.

“I'm probably that kind of girl.” She laughed. “Now that I think about, I'm the kind of girl that girls say… I'm not that kind of girl.”

“And what exactly that girl is?” Chris asked, brow raised.

“That's down to fuck, do casual sex. All that shit, you know.” She explained letting go of his hand and laid down on the grass and her arms behind her head.

“And?” Chris asked, looking down at her body. How her hoodie and shirt underneath, she laughed. “That's not a problem, Sofia. You're entitled to enjoy your sexuality.” He added taking his eyes off her for a second and smiled looking at the hills for a second.

“Well, thanks, Captain.” She said stretching her arms, with a suggestive smile.

“What's that?” Chris said after a very known deep blue shirt popped underneath her hoodie. Sofia laughed as she lifted the hoodie on. “Oh my, take it off. Take it off!” Chris reached out and started to pull out her hoodie with a smile on his lips when he saw the Patriots logo.

“It supposed to be surprised, I kind of forget about it.” She laughed pulling her hoodie off her and Chris gasped putting a hand over his crotch. Making her laugh even harder.

“How could you forget this surprise,” He said looking for his phone on his pockets. “Hold still, baby girl. I need photographic proof that this is happening.”

She laid back on the grass, putting one arm behind her head and blow a kiss to the camera. It was a silly cute photo, the thing that Chris wouldn't know if that he will come to cry looking at this in just some time.

“Imma put this as my lock screen,” He said lying down next to her and show her the picture. “Look how fucking cute you look with my Patriots shirt.”

The action was interrupted by an incoming call that someone he was avoiding at the moment.

“Isn't that you girl-ex?” Sofi asked peaking at the phone. Chris sighed and nodded, sending the call to voice mail.

“Mmm yes.” He said putting the phone away and stayed quiet, Sofia was staring at him.

“Do I have to ask?” she raised an eyebrow at him.

“I was at an event, she was there… I was feeling lonely and you know.”

“Oh, you regretted now?”

“Yes, I don't—we're not good for each other.” He said and gave her a wide smile. “But I'm used to her,”

“Like an old habit,” Sofía said.

“Yes.”

“You need a new habit.” She shrugged like it was an easily fixable thing. “There's plenty of women, especially for you.”

“It's not easy for me to date anyone, I can't trust someone that easily.” He said, a little upset. “Some of them had ulterior motives.”

“Shit… I couldn't ever sell someone like that, much less someone I care about.” She said with a frown.

“I know,” He nodded. “I know that we are known for almost a year, but I trust you.” He smiled at her and Sofía smiled back and bite her bottom lip.

“That means a lot to me,” Sofía beamed and Chris laughed, she was endearing and Chris's stomach tighten.

Without much thought, in her semi-drunken state, she leans over and presses a firm kiss in Chris's mouth. He was taken back for a moment but he'd grip her waist and pull her close.

~~~

There we go!

Thanks everyone! ❤️❤️❤️

Taglist. Please let me know if you want to be tagged!

@letsdothemonstermash

@lunaticbarnes

@firstangeldragonranch

[motleyfuckingcruee]

Rocket Queen

0.9: Movie Date

Henley's P.O.V

We end up in front of a move theatre. I look down at my outfit, a frown on my face. This would be acceptable if we were going to a club. But we aren't at a club. We're at a movie theatre. Where parents bring their children. Why in the actual fuck did Madeline make me dress like this when we are just at a theatre?

I narrow my eyes at the brunette that's in front of me, forcing myself not to knock her upside the head for this bullshit. I feel bad for it, but my anger is slowly growing with Madeline.

I feel myself to start shaking. Why am I getting so mad? Is it because I'm beyond embarrassed? More than likely. As I feel tears spring to my eyes, Duff grabs my hands. My anger goes away, replaced with confusion. I look up at the blonde. Why did he grab my hand?

Duff smiles at me, leaning down. "Don't worry," He whispers in my ear. "You look amazing. I'm lucky enough to have you here with me."

A blush instantly warms my cheeks. He's flirting with me again. Not that I mind.

There's only one question circulating around my mind. Why me?

It's no secret that Duff is very attractive. Everything about his personality is alluring. Hell, that's pretty much why I went home with him that night. That and being chased by the cops. Anyways, he could have any girl that he wants. One that's older, more experienced, hella prettier. Probably a tall blonde with jaw dropping blue eyes and a figure that only models have.

Why would he want me? I have boring brown hair, dull brown eyes, and a pretty flat figure. I have no boobs or butt whatsoever. That never bothered me until now. What if he gets bored with me?

God, I'm talking like we're together. Stop it, Henley!

"Henley!" Duff exclaims, swinging my arm a bit.

"What?" I ask, still a little bit in my head.

"I asked, What did you want?"

I look up, surprised to find that Duff led me straight to the concession stand without me falling. This completely snaps me back to reality.

"Oh!" I exclaim, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. "I'm so sorry. Uh, I'll just have a Dr. Pepper."

Duff furrows his eyebrows. "You don't want any popcorn or anything to eat?"

I feel my stomach roll with just the thought of eating anything. I'm way too nervous to eat. I'll probably end up puking it up which would be hella embarrassing.

"I'm sure," I say, smiling up at him.

I look over to see Madeline and Steven eagerly waiting on us. They're just excited to make out. I don't even know what movie we're going to see. I guess I'll just find out.

Five minutes later and we're in the theatre that was the playing the move we're gonna see. Steven and Madeline choose the seats in the very back. Not that I'm complaining. At least I don't gotta crane my neck to see what's happening.

I sit down a few seats away from the couple. Duff looks at me weirdly, but follows anyway. Through that entire time, he never let go of my hand. It definitely helps calms my nerves a bit.

As we sit down, Duff looks at me, a huge grin on his face. "Why'd we sit this far away from them?"

I shrug. "Did you really want to hear the sound of their lips smacking together for the entire movie?"

Duff laughs, taking a drink of my Dr. Pepper. "I guess you have a point."

"Hey! That's mine," I pout, pretending like I'm upset about it. "You got the same exact thing as me!"

"Yours tastes better," He says, a smirk on his lips.

I laugh in disbelief. I never thought that would be his reason for drinking my soda. "You're impossible."

"So are you, my dear," He responds, throwing some popcorn in his mouth. The majority of the popcorn either got in his hair or missed his mouth entirely. Only about two pieces made it in.

I erupt into laughter, doubling over with tears in my eyes. "Oh. My. God," I say in between laughs.

I look up at Duff with teary eyes, giggles still coming from my mouth. He's got a cute pout on his face. He looks like a puppy that's just been kicked.

"Aw," I giggle, starting to pick the popcorn out of his teased blonde hair. "You poor baby."

"Don't laugh at me!" He says, watching my face as I pick out the popcorn. His cheeks turn bright pink.

"And why not?"

"Be-Because I'm embarrassed!"

I mock shock. "The Duff is embarrassed? I thought that would've been impossible!" Duff stays quiet, his cheeks burning brighter. I smile at him softly. "On a serious note, you really don't need to be embarrassed around me. I'm not gonna make fun of you or anything."

Duff relaxes at my words, a smile forming on his lips. "You don't have to be either."

I scoff. "I'm never embarrassed."

"That's such a lie! You act like I don't see your face turn red when you do something that you think is embarrassing," Duff says, a smug expression written on his features.

I sigh, nodding my head at the work I'd done. All of the popcorn is out of the poor guy's hair. "You caught me there. I get embarrassed easily."

"You do a good job of hiding it. I'm just very observant," He says, looking into my eyes.

I sit back in my seat, my eyes never leaving the blonde man's in front of me. I gulp as he starts to lean forward. Should I kiss him? Will this be a cliché thing where we make out in the movie theatre? Is he doing this just because he takes pity on me? So many things are whirling through my head. I choose to shut them off. For once my brain decides to listen to me. All I'm focusing on is Duff. I start leaning in as well, feeling my heart about to burst out of my chest. I feel Duff's warm breath on my lips. He smells like vanilla, vodka, and cigarettes. A comforting smell believe it or not. Just as our lips brush together, a shrill voice tears us apart.

"Madeline! Henley!"

I look up to find none other than Jake and Eva standing in front of us. Madeline looks over at me, worry and fear on her features. I look past Eva who looks rather excited to see us. Jake's expression is one full of hurt. That's right. I blew him off to go on this date with Duff. Funny how I don't regret coming now.

I sigh. This is just going to be a great night.

TAGS:

All fics: @the--blackdahlia @sugar-content @sharon6713 @siliwanoel @charlyallise @lo-bells @lauravic @livingdeadharley @kawennote09 @ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness @hllywdwhre @abbysdogcollar @nikkisixxwiththebass @waywardprincess666 @tommyleeownsme 

@rock-n-roll-soul-frankie @unholy-brat @eak1996 @madsthegroupie @sinningsixx @kissyourrosegoodbyemotley

Duff: @daisystuffsstuff

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2897

my tummy is upset.

and my skull is itchy.

i am displeased currently.

but it was a pretty okay day.

so i knew joel was hanging out with dean today, so that's good for him. i'm glad he gets to spend time with his best friend, even though we're all adults and scheduling shit is hard.

i got up early and i showered and dressed and made my way to manchester to work with the kiddos. we went over a few things in their books and i said "let's put those away, shall we? i have something else to show you." and i pulled out the monopoly game my mom and i had gotten for them a few weeks ago. it helps teach strategy and money management, but also fudging the rules to work together and collaborate and keep the game enjoyable for everyone is important too.

they loved it.

we had to stop because we hit noon and they had to go with their dad somewhere.

i have to bring some little baggies with me for next time so i can organize it better.

so after that, i headed to the mall and called my mom who had gotten lost and guided her back to where i was, and we went adventuring in search of dresses. because someone won't clarify the dress code. (goddamnit, brother, make a fucking decision.) buuut then my mom's shoes were hurting her so we got her new sandals, and we stopped to get some new leggings for me and as we were about to leave i realized i didn't have my phone.

my mom noticed i was frantic.

"what's wrong?"

"i'm missing something."

"what are you missing?"

"what do i always have with me?"

"anxiety?"

"yes, but-- my phone. i'm missing my phone."

so okay, mom is funny. but i went on a goose chase around the mall in the opposite direction to find my phone. it was in the shoe store we stopped at.

anyway, we poked around a little more and went for lunch at longhorn. it was a little after 2 by this point.

when we were done, i was definitely tired and ready for a nap. i planned to stop at joel's to nap and then continue with my day, but i didn't end up doing that. i had told my friend who got covid again that i'd bring her some snacks because sometimes you just need something from outside of the house to help you feel human again, so i went and i got a whole basket full of goodies and snacks for her, and i got a card and a "feel better" balloon, which i put all of in and on a shiny blue bag, which i brought to her house half an hour away, plopped on the front step, and left. i snapped a picture of her mailbox and sent it to her with the caption "ehhehehhehehe." didn't-ding-dong-just-ditched her. with a whole bag of goodies. she found it a while later when she probably woke up from a nap, and she thought i'd put things in the mailbox. so i told her to go outside. she got the bag of goodies and the card and she opened it all and laid it out and snapped a picture and said "i'm not crying you're crying" because she's adorable. i was just happy that i could do something that brought a smile to her face, despite being sick again. she's spent so much of her life sick or incapacitated in one way or another, and i just wanted to make her smile. and i succeeded. so i stopped for gas and made my way home.

i laid down upstairs for a while because pain and also exhaustion and phone charging, but papa ordered chinese food so i eventually returned to the main floor, ate my food, and continued reading what i'd started upstairs. ignored the baseball game on and scrolled through a bunch of tags and posts and honestly the reason i have the "likes" tab turned off is because it's fucking ridiculous how many things i like in a day is. there's too many things and it's too varied for it to make any coherent sense. so i just reblog the fun things i like most.

and so here i am in bed after all that, after a long-ass day, in need of a new digestive system and at least twelve hours of sleep.

[meghan-maria]

Katie. You will never see this. It's probably for the best. No one will ever see this really. But fuck that hurt like hell. The first message I sent was about covid restrictions because my head hadn't processed that he was dead. And then a very long message about how heartbroken I was and mam was about his death. You only replied to the covid stuff. Then you said oh my mams sad too, my grandad isn't well. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I needed to talk so here I am. You probably didn't realise how much he meant to me because I haven't really talked about him. He was granddad's brother. I never knew grandad but damn his brother became as close as I would get. he felt like a grandfather to me. I am heartbroken and numb at the same time, sat in the bathroom so my sister doesn't hear my sobbing and so my mam who was closer to him doesn't get more upset. I'm so broken it's making my head spin and my chest hurt. I can barely remember the last time I saw him because he was sick in February and we wanted to make sure he would be okay. So I haven't seen him in months and I won't see him again. He can't even have a proper funeral because of the restrictions. I can't go because it's only six people and I'm not close enough. I will miss him so much and there aren't even enough people to carry his coffin. You really need to learn some tact. My heart is in pieces and I'm sat on the floor a mess sobbing my heart out and your response was to tag me in a tiktok about how awful school is and not to respond to my pain. Maybe I'm being harsh, you had no way to know how upset I am about it. But fuck my chest burns. I don't even want to let anyone see me like this. But I have to go into school with you knowing and only hear babble about how Ava is a bitch for maybe going out with Connor and how lame I am for being a teacher's pet and how amazing your blonde highlights are. He was like my grandfather. I am so done with life right now

[crzcorgi]

A Dream Come True part four

Catch up here!

My first attempt at a RPF! I love Norman, but am nowhere near an expert on him, like I am with Jeffrey. 😜 So excuse my writing of him.  Also, let’s pretend that Jeffrey and Norman are single, no SO’s, no ties.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan x Reader x Norman Reedus ~ This chapter features just Jeffrey x Reader

Word count ~ 3000

Warnings- NSFW, NSFW aesthetic

Tags~ @stileswolfi @magikat409 @jasoncrouse @nothin-after-79 @magpiegirl80  @omgitss0y @binegan @metal-xo @mypopculturediva @angelofthenite @hotfornegan @a-queen-and-her-throne @mwesterfeld1985

 I woke up confused, I knew I was in a hotel, but this didn't look like my room? I tried to roll over, but was stopped by a large, naked, body. And I too, was naked! And then it all came back to me. All of it. And I didn't know what to think, how to feel.

 Last night was amazing, the night from heaven, straight out of my dreams. No regrets from me, that was for sure. But what about them?! Would Jeffrey and Norman regret it? Would they just say “thanks for the fun evening, see ya round?” Would I be humiliated, tucking tail and crawling back to my room?

 “Well, good morning beautiful!” I guess that answered my questioning.

 I looked up into his face realizing that even after just waking up, this man still was breathtakingly gorgeous.

 “Good morning, handsome.” Handsome? Good lord, I hope he doesn't laugh.

 No laugh, just a kiss. A sweet kiss on the top of my head, pulling me closer into him, impossibly close. It felt so nice, so warm, so perfect. At home.

 “I was afraid you were going to fucking bolt when you opened your eyes!” Jeffrey was now nuzzling his face into my messy, probably sweat stinky, hair. Fuck

 “Bolt?” I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. Me, I thought he would!

 “Last night was pretty intense. Then you wake up to this ugly mug, who wouldn't want to fucking run!” He laughed, that glorious deep throaty laugh that makes my whole body quiver.

 “Cold sweetheart? Here.” He leaned over to a chair by the bed, grabbing his shirt. “Sit up and I'll help you put this on.”

 I sat up, automatically pulling the covers up to my chin, as Jeff began laughing.

 “Now how am I going to help you put my shirt on doll? Don't be going all shy on me again, nothing to fucking hide. You're way too beautiful for hiding.”

 And I blushed, embarrassing myself even more. If Jeffrey noticed, he never said a word, he gently pulled the covers off of me, cupped my cheek, leaning down and bringing our lips to a slow and sensual kiss. He moved his hand down to my neck, squeezing it delicately, his other hand finding one of my breasts, his fingers tweaking the nipple into a peak. And making me moan into his mouth.

 “Do you want more darling?” Jeffrey asked. And all I could do was groan and nod yes.

 He pushed me down onto my back with a bit of force, not enough to frighten or hurt me, but just the right amount to turn me into a moaning mess. With one leg thrown over me, he was completely on top, staring down at me with a look of pure lust, hunger, desire, and another look I couldn't quite define.

 “It's just us baby girl, no Norman, I've wanted this since I first saw you, wanted you. Maybe I'm sounding like a fucking cliché, but it's like you were heaven sent. I knew it the moment you stepped out from behind that curtain. The way you looked, the way you looked at me, I just fucking knew. I don't mind sharing, if that's the only way I can be with you, have you. But this, us,” He waved his hand between us both. “I'm not ready to give it up. I'll do anything doll,  and I mean anything.”

 His lips suddenly crashing into mine with a bruising force, causing my thighs to come together for friction. His tongue forcing my lips to part, thrusting into my mouth. His dominance causing me to succumb to feelings I never knew I had. I was gladly, so very willingly, letting him the take me with force and loving every second of it.

 “Spread your legs for me baby, now.”

 Fuck! I was ascending into a heaven I never knew existed and loving every bit of the ride.

 My legs quickly falling open for him involuntarily. I knew at this point I was gone, this man had complete and utter control over my body, my mind and my soul. It was then that I realized that this, what was happening with Jeffrey, everything, including his dominance over me, this is what had been missing in my life. This is what I have always needed, wanted.

 I was jolted out of my deep introspection by Jeffrey plunging his meaty cock as deep, and as hard, as possible into me, causing my whole body to shift upwards, my head almost hitting the headboard. I grabbed onto him, one arm snaking around his neck, grasping onto his soft curls trailing down his neck. The other arm reaching around his middle, the hand sliding down, squeezing his ass tightly, knowing, without a doubt, that I would be marking him.

 He brought his head down, his face nuzzling into my neck, licking nipping his way to the front, his lips finding mine as our tongues began performing the same act as our nether regions. His taste was intoxicating, I couldn't pinpoint one lone taste, but the mix was all him and it had me trying to catch my breath.

 He was holding himself above me with only one arm, the other bringing his hand to my neck, grasping it like his life depended on it. I was both frightened and in ecstasy all at once knowing that this was yet another new discovery.

 I was a bit startled, not sure how he could hold himself up with one arm yet continue thrusting into me with such amazing force. His hand on my neck moving up to grab my chin, his thumb stroking lightly.

 “Open your eyes, y/n, please. I want to see them, beautiful.” He was making the most glorious, sexual sounds in between his words, making me mimic him, my own grunts and moans exiting over my lips.

 I opened my eyes, slowly, to see Jeffrey looking down at me, his face contorted in a pleasure pain combination, not unlike my own. I tried to smile, but I'm sure it came out more like an ugly grimace.

 “There they are, so fucking gorgeous my love.” He leaned down again, our lips meeting magnetically once again, our sex sounds mingling together, our own symphony.

  Jeffrey moved his face slightly, taking a hold of my earlobe between his lips, sucking. Then he whispered, in a voice I had no doubt could make me orgasm all on it's own.

 “Cum for me, squeeze your pussy so tight that I can't escape you. Make me cum with you.” He moaned his words, the vibration causing me to arch my hips, just as he thrusted down.

 “I'm cumming…” was all I could say before my world went white, I was in a soundless, visionless vortex of pure pleasure. What brought me back to a bit of reality was the heaviness upon my whole body, then warmth enveloping me, entering me.

 As I came back around, I found myself wrapped up in Jeff’s arms, now on top of him.

 “Wow, doll. Just wow.” He grumble growled into my hair, my body reacting, shivers running from head to toe. Jeff pulled me tighter into him. I could feel his cock was all set for another go around. I squeaked, causing a giant laugh to erupt from him. “Sorry y/n, see what you do to me?!” I joined, a giggle turning into full fledged laughs. Lifting my head from his chest, I gazed at his face, wondering when I would wake from this glorious dream.

 “What's up cupcake?” I couldn't stop the blush rising in my cheeks, his little nicknames did something to me. Bringing his hand up to stroke my cheek, he looked concerned. “One minute you're fucking laughing, the next you look ready to cry. Did I do something to upset you?”

 “Oh no! You didn't do anything! I mean, you did something, but I'm…” He smiled at me, hugging me tight.

 “It's okay doll, I was just concerned. It's a lot to take in, what went on. What's going on. You know this isn't just some fling, some one night fucking fuckfest.” His hand caressing my back faintly, the other place loose hairs behind my ear. “I can't speak for Norman, but I am addicted to you, and I ain't fucking planing on going to rehab to kick it.”

 I was full on blushing now, could feel the heat rising up my face from my neck. This man, these men, they were everything I dreamed they would be and more, so much more. I must have still been sleepy, because I was soon back asleep.

 “Sweetheart? Wakey wakey!” Opening my eyes once again to that handsome fucker. “I'm thinking I'm needing a shower, but it's all the way in the bathroom. And I'll be all by myself!” And he pouted! I couldn't help the laughter.

 “Did you just pout at me?” I snickered.

 “Yes, as a matter of fucking fact, I did! And I am man enough to admit it!” He quickly flipped himself over on top of me, almost an angry look upon his face. Luckily, I knew better.

 “Okay, okay, I'll join you.” I purred at him, gaining an almost instantaneous grin from him, dimples on full display.

 “Then let’s go doll!” Grabbing my hands, he pulled me up and towards the end of the bed, trying my hardest not to take a peek at his naked,gloriously bare, form.

 As we both climbed off the bed, I slipped, quickly plummeting off the plush hotel mattress. But a pair of large hands caught me just in time.

 “Falling for me again y/n?” He sniggered into my head, then swiftly picked me up, carrying me towards the bathroom.

 Placing me down just inside the door, I sighed, looking down at my bare feet. “You shouldn't have picked me up, you could have gotten hurt and I don't want all those fans hating me for damaging Negan”

 Jeffrey was turning the shower on but turned quick to look at me. “Hurt? Now why would I get hurt carrying you?” He looked surprised at my statement.

 I looked at him, trying so very hard not to cry. Stupid insecurities, stupid self esteem. “Look at me, I'm not exactly what you would call thin. I'm not even average.” And then they came, the tears. I wiped my face quickly, hoping Jeff wouldn't notice. But sure enough, he did.

 Walking across the room in quick strides, he pulled me into his warm embrace. “No, you most fucking certainly are not average, not by a long shot.”

 I held my breath, where was he going with this?!

 Reaching his hand up to my chin he tilted my face up, holding on so I couldn't look away from him. “Do not ever think you are less than extraordinary. I have never met anyone who has affected me the way you have, both my mind and body were drawn to you instantly. Instantly! Fuck, you made my head spin baby girl, do you understand? Cause I'm not even sure I fucking do. But I'm ready for the wild ride I'm sure you'll be taking me on.” Leaning down his lips enveloped mine in a needy yet soft kiss.

 Pulling back he spoke quietly. “Shower?”

 “Yes.” I answered.

 Jeff went over to the bath, adjusting the temperature and water stream. “Come over here doll.”

 I walked over to him, suddenly feeling shy. Why couldn't I be like other women, the ones that are so sure of themselves? What if Jeffrey realizes that I'm not something special?

 “I see that faraway look again y/n, please stop fucking overthinking, I want to be with you, I want us. Whatever it might be. So just wipe your mind of everything fucking negative little girl and get that hot ass into the shower, or there will be hell to pay.” The way he said it, his deep gruff voice, made me so weak in the knees. And very damp.

 I stepped past him and into the large shower, he followed quickly, closing the door behind him.

 “Let me soap you up sweetheart.”

  I couldn't let him put me first. “No! Let me take care of you first, you've done so much for me already, let me do for you.”

 He smiled, “I'd like that y/n, very much.”

 I grabbed a sponge and poured some shower gel on it, getting it really lathered up.

 “Can you turn around, I'll start with your back.”

 “Sure thing doll.” He turned, placing his hands on the shower wall.

 Rising up on my toes, I began running the sponge over his shoulders. I started giggling when I realized the the height difference.

 “What's so funny darling?”

 “It's just the height difference, I'm on my tippy toes!”

 “Well, let’s fucking fix that!” He crouched down a bit, making us almost even in height.

  “That's perfect! But is it comfy?” I questioned him.

 “I'm just fucking peachy baby!”

 I smiled, leaning forward to kiss his shoulder. “Thank you Jeff. For everything.” I started rubbing his back with the sponge again.

 “No need for thanks, just keep doing what you're doing, it feels fucking fantastic!”

 I moved slowly down his back, enjoying myself maybe a tad too much. His muscles rippling with my movements, the watering running down through the hairs. Everything was a turn on. Even the tiny freckles splattered about his tan back made my thighs want to clench.

  I knew I was in trouble when I heard a slight groan escape him when I reached his tailbone. I quickly pulled away only to her him whisper a “don't stop.” So I kept going.

 I softly worked the sponge over each butt cheek, deciding it was easier to reach on my knees. Just as I started down his legs, I felt a light touch on my head, looking up to see Jeff’s hand in my wet hair, his eyes lust blown. I stopped, sitting back on my heels, placing the sponge on my the shower floor. Speaking barely above a whisper, I asked him to “turn around” with my eyes never leaving his.

 He did as I asked, turning, careful not to slip on the wet floor. I raised myself back up into my knees, my eyes landing on Jeff’s rapidly growing cock. Courage bubbling up, I reached out, grabbing him, one hand on his thick manhood, the other taking a hold of his sack.

 “Fuck baby girl!”

 His words impelling me. Moving my face close, my tongue darting out to begin swirling around the head of his cock, tasting him. I brought my tongue back, slowly placing my mouth over the head, sucking, swallowing. I was gently squeezing his sack, moving between each ball.

 “Baby, I need more. Take me in, as far as you can doll.” He thrusted his hips forward, his dick moving further into my mouth, causing my eyes to begin to water but not quite far enough to make me choke.

 With my hand at the base, the other on his balls, I let him keep up his slow thrusts. Looking up through my eyelashes at him I could see he was nearing his end. He looked down at me attempting to smile.

 Suddenly, he pulled back, his cock popping out of my mouth.

 “Stand up baby girl,” his voice breathy and gritty, “lean against the wall.”

 Doing as he said, I glanced over my shoulder to see him leaning over me, one hand on the wall above my head, the other leading his weeping cock into my pussy. One forceful thrust, causing a small squeak to escape me, and he was fully seated inside.

 He was slamming into me with more force than I would have ever thought I could take. But take it I did, and oh god was it wonderful. My body being plunged forward into the shower wall, my arms pushing back against the strong thrusts. It was pure raw animal sex, the moans growing louder, the movements harsh, rough, erratic.

 Jeff was leaning down, his chin on my shoulder, his tongue darting out to lick a stripe up my neck.  “Mmmm, baby…you fucking taste…like heaven.” His words coming out interspersed with growling pants.

 “I'm…almost there…I'm…gonna cum.” I could hardly breath much less speak. My hands and arms cramping from trying to hold my weight.

 “Me too, baby…cum with me y/n.” Jeff brought a hand up to my chin, a quick stroke, then abruptly moved it down, grasping a hold of my throat.

 I jumped, not scared, not frightened, but startled. Putting just the right amount of pressure, causing my end to come in a kaleidoscope of colors, sounds and feelings like I had never felt before.

 “FUCK!” Jeff yelled, and through my haze I could feel his thrusts become messy, warmth filling me up. He leaned forward, as spent as I was, his warm wet body enveloping me.

 We stood there for who knows how long, just coming down from the most surreal sexual experience I think either of us had ever had.

 The water started becoming cooler, causing me to shiver.

 “Let's get out of here, sweetheart.” Jeff led the way out, quickly wrapping me a towel, warmed from the heater. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he pulled me into his damp chest. “That” kissing the top of my head “was fucking mindblowing, y/n. Fuck!” He began running both hands up and down my back in a soothing motion.

 We moved in unison, leaving the bathroom, heading towards the bed, arms around each other. I wasn't sure if it was a loving gesture or just to hold each other’s wobbly bodies up. The thought made me giggle loudly.

 “What's so funny baby girl?” We'd reached the bed, Jeff sitting first and then pulling me down to sit on his lap.

 “Just thinking about how I'm not sure either one of us would have even made it to here if we weren't holding each other up.” Laughing again, I looked up at him adoringly. I was truly falling for this man. But was that a wise decision? I know he said it was more than a one night thing, but how can a relationship like ours survive?