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vacantgodling · 1 year ago

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The Fool, The Magicuan, The Emperor, The Lovers, Justice, and The Sun !!

(Might send another ask later. It was a long list and I'm currently at a lecture lmao)

HENRIKEEEE firstly thank u secondly LMAO felt i usually do most of my tumblring whilst at work 💀

00. THE FOOL: BEGINNINGS (What is the opening line to your current work?)

hilarious cuz i haven’t written the first chapter of paramour yet. however i am counting cage as a current novel/project (it’s gonna have 20 chapters so 💀 fanfiction be damned that’s a fucking book LMAO) so here’s the first line from that (and shameless plug u can read it here!

Sometime closer to dusk when the number of airplanes he could make out crossing the horizon was fewer and fewer, and the lights of Gibraltar’s closest neighboring city La Linea began to kiss the night with her bright lights, Lena came to find him.

01. THE MAGICIAN: SPARK OF MAGIC (What inspired you to write your novel?)

going back to paramour tho honestly the biggest jumping off point where it slowly began to take shape was crimson peak. i remember really distinctly wanting to want a story of that vibe, with ghosts and mystery but then it eventually evolved into the form it’s in now by drawing from other inspiration sources. like it’s very much Not like how i initially thought it would be LMAO but i love this version more 💛

i’m just gonna put my influences slide from my powerpoint to fully illustrate but yeah like A Lot went into getting this wip started.

a lot of it also hinges on the development of both hya as a character (being the first Real Asshole i’ve allowed myself to write as a protagonist) and his relationship with amon—also my desire to write a romance on My Terms just for me that I Liked. ive always felt like i had to write what other people wanted to see or what was good and wholesome but like. i can write whatever i want and this story was the first step in doing that.

04. THE EMPEROR: STRUCTURE (How do you plot your novels?)

this is a bit of a complicated question only because it’s kind of… all over the place. but in general what i usually do is i make a VERY detailed outline of all the events i want to happen in the book. chapter by chapter the whole nine. like down to adding bits of dialogue, plugging in any exploratory pieces i wrote before hand for context or to add structure

(and what i mean by exploratory is like basically i don’t tend to plot immediately, i write small blurbs to understand the vibes and feels. a old piece on this blog somewhere (perhaps) is when i wrote about hya asking amon to come to the masquerade reception with him in an extremely roundabout way, but that was written WAAAAY back when i was first trying to understand their dynamic; hell amon didn’t even have a name! and now that scene has a proper slot in the outline in chapter 9 lmao).

but i literally do this so i can KNOW what the hell im doing. i’m not a pants-person by any means literally or figuratively, so i need to be able to see the vision.

once i have an outline fully written out i can either write from the beginning down (like i’m doing with cage rn) or i can do what i’m doing with paramour and write based on interest level. writing based on interest level is probably going to be how i write my original novels just because whenever i’ve tried to write straight down (like i have with donut wip) i tend to get mad stuck. and i think it’s because especially in first drafts of my original novels i tend to have certain scenes… fuzzier than others. i need the context of the other scenes around them to build them up. or those are worldbuilding holes etc etc. either way my og novels i tend to get stuck in cuz there’s more thinking involved lmao.

06. THE LOVERS: RELATIONSHIPS (What are your favorite relationships to write about, whether romantic, familial, or platonic?)

romantic >>>>>>> familial/platonic.

i’m just a romantic at heart generally speaking.

but on a deep level i have a weird personal struggle (it’s the ‘ism) with family and friends so like… i just find them more difficult to write because i don’t really experience them “easily” in my own life? — or at the bare minimum they just spark less joy to me than romance to me. i want to get better at writing other kinds of relationships but i also think writing them just makes me feel lonely lmao.

11. JUSTICE: TRUTH (What is the 'truth' of your novel i.e the prevalent themes or overarching motifs?)

🤔 i think the most prevalent theme of paramour is truth itself tbh. finding truth yes, and the power of truth in itself sure, but also cultivating the truth within yourself—you’ll only be happy when you live truthfully to your desires yknow?

19. THE SUN: POSITIVITY (What is your greatest writing strength or skill?)

pretty prose in itself. i think i’m really good at creating saccharine, deep descriptions of emotions and those kinds of sentences long winding and emotional really tickle my brain personally so i put the most OOMPH into them.

#thank you!!!#about renjamin

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luxurytaxess-blog · 2 years ago

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This is my safe space, no one know about this place but me. I got some things to get off my chest before 2023 starts.

I am angry. I am so so very angry. At myself, for letting me get so low. I’m real life homeless, unemployed and have no car to get around. I have no help from family. I have 1 friend, just ONE who is there for me but they’ve helped me so much they said I’m draining them.

How fucked up of a person do you have to be for someone to give up on helping you because it literally drains them. And I’m trying! I promise I’m trying so hard to get it together but it’s like every time I think I’m moving in the right direction I get pushed 5 steps back. The devil busy af working on me rn and he won’t let up.

I pray, I pray so hard and god just doesn’t hear me. I think he wants me to suffer a lil longer to teach me a lesson but the longer he ignores me the more the devil listens.

I feel like I can’t breathe, this weight on me is so heavy. Like I literally have trouble breathing cause my emotions are so high and my vibration is so low.

I wanna be mad at the people who I feel betrayed me but it’s really not their fault that my life is the way it is. I did this to myself and now I’m trying my damnedest to clean up my act and fix myself but I can’t do it alone.

How are you supposed to have faith that everything will be alright when you have nothing? I’m homeless, sure I’m at my moms house rn but I’m sleeping in the small storage room in her basement with no heat or electricity. I had to run an extension cord from upstairs just so I can plug up my lil heater to stay warm down here.

I spent a whole day calling jobs and asked if they were hiring until I found one that was doing open interviews and hiring on the spot. It’s a waitress job and I’ve never worked as a waitress before. I don’t even think I’ll make enough money in tips because I have to split everything with the other girls at the end of the night. Also don’t have a car so I took a job without even knowing if I can make it there.

Same thing with school. Starting cosmetology school at the top of the year was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and now that dream is dead because I don’t have any help getting to school. There isn’t a bus route that goes to my school either.

Any day now, my mom has to move out and I’ve been helping her look for other houses for rent in her budget but it’s like she just looks at them and closes her phone. I don’t wanna scramble to get my shit out the house or come back to my things sitting on the curb. I have another housing option but if I go there I won’t be able to go to school.

All this is just hitting me at once and I don’t even know where to begin to try and make some shit happen. I’m not selling pussy ever again in life so there goes any source of income I would’ve had.

I just don’t know what tf to do and I’m so ready to just give up.

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dumpy-dump · 3 years ago

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i guess i might have to send my switch in for repairs now? it wont turn on, wont respond to anything, cant be docked, and it seems like it cant charge buuuut,

when i plug in the charger, the fan turns on. but not like fully on it makes a very soft buzzing noise. even when i unplug the charger from the wall. it seems like having anything present in the charge port turns the fan on, even if its not actually plugged in???

i thought if i ever had to send it in for repairs it would be because of joycon drift but nope!

#nintendo #nintendo switch #i dont even know how this occurred i was just playing with it a few hours ago and it was fine like #wtf #i waited for like an extra few minutes with the charger in the switch but not plugged in to the wall to see if it would stop but #nope. several minutes of buzzing with no power source. im honestly more confused than upset rn #am worried i might have to just get a new switch tho

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bogkeep · 4 years ago

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hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on... there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

#rambles #i wrote this for me and theres no obligation to read it

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itoldsunset · 3 years ago

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that doesn't console me!! billkin and pp like chaos!! nah i am just kidding lol i guess we will see, rn i don't really vibe with his ~mysterious aura haha. the one i am most looking forward too is oh aew friend group tbh, i saw the director confirmed they are all queer (i think?) so i am just all for that!

yesss i'm super excited for oh-aew's friend group. i am living for plug and mangpong's dynamic. q also looks like a super sweet friend, gives me serious bas vibes.

i think jai's character is supposed to be super ambitious, might be similar to teh in that way. i think billkin and pp wanting to play his character means there's something super interesting there!!

i totally get everyone's anxiety about jai but we already know teh and oh-aew will be drifting apart, and that's going to happen whether or not there are other characters involved. i think it'll be good for each of them to have other sources of comfort while they're dealing with their relationship issues, because i think that will help them get past it and grow up from it too. i'm still banking on a teh and oh-aew endgame though.

#answers #Anonymous #ipytm

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itsakpopalypse · 5 years ago

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Jang Wooyoung/Ace (VAV) Astrology Ask: Romantic breakdown

@excindrela requested “Hi Rael! Would you please do astrology for Ace from VAV”

A/n Of course ! I am going to assume you would like it to be the same question as the previous one’s I have done (I hope so cause that’s what I did.)

I am pretty new to the Vamp world so this is based almost ENTIRELY off the chart itself, as I am still learning!

Thank you and I hope you enjoy!!!

He pretty pretty wow

Okay first of all I’d like to note that his chart is SO Virgo and Capricorn

honestly there is a ton of earth in general and we will tlak about what that means as we go along ,it’s just an interesting fact.

his 3 big signs are

rising scorpio , virgo sun and virgo moon

now I have had a few Idols I have looked through with this type of placement and it makes sense

Virgos are pretty perfectionist

attention to detail

workaholics

so yeah

anyway now the romance stuff

Scorpio rising

this is going to sound a bit like a broken record but I will try to make it cute

Scorpios are SEXY MYSTERIOUS COOL

or at least that is how they like to come off (inside they are emotional beans with many feelings who just want to be loved okay)

might seem a bit quiet, but they generally just don’t speak unless they have something noteworthy to say

if they do though

buckle up it’s going to be so deep

so when you first meet he is like “Sexy cool tough guy” and you will want to unwrap that

ask him questions that’s all it really takes.

They are inquisitive by nature.

if he likes you though, and it’s pretty new still, he won’t pursue it.

it’s going to be careful thoughtful steps

that’s amplified since his sun and moon are Virgo and they do not do well with failure

so he might pick you apart and try to figure you out like a puzzle

will ask a ton of questions that make you ponder if you even know yourself

like why do you need to know about that time that i fell out of a tree when i was 12 dude, we were talking about dinner or smth

Virgos can seem a little harsh so even if he likes you he may end up saying something that is a bit mean?

not intentionally it’s just they are basically all mothers

so it’s “worry worry worry”

and you’ll be like… it’s not gonna rain I don’t need 72 umbrellas and a rain poncho

but that’s how he would show he cared.

probably hella healthy

and organized

likes to look nice and be put together and wants to help you achieve that too

so if he is trying to impress you he may buy you some sensible item or get you food and drink if he thinks you’re neglecting your health

what a sweet man oml

probably an angel in human skin

listen, in moon, Virgo means a more intense version of the same things from the sun, but it also means he is low key NEEDING AFFECTION

he won’t ask you for it

probably will just try to reinforce the behavior with positive encouragement if you do it

“I love it when you sit in my lap”

“It’s nice when you cuddle with me”

things like that

but if you fall asleep on him watching a movie he will probably literally implode in an emotional breakdown

what if they are cold

should i ask someone for a blanket

they could get a neck cramp like this oh no

he is S T R E S S E D inside

Really protective really caring really concerned

someone take the load off this poor dude

mercury in Leo, so his communication is very persuasive

If he likes you

he is gonna FLIRT HIS ASS OFF

it may be in the very Vigo way,

but listen

compliments that might sound a little backhanded are likely his source

and if he realized it hurt your feelings he will be very upset and SMOTHER YOU in real ones

is very honest

is fine and he knows it

like will get dressed up and you’ll be like “Wow you look handsome”

and he is like yeah. i know. what a gift I am , to you rn

you’re welcome

Venus in Virgo

I wasn’t kidding about this earthy damn chart

listen Virgos seem cold at first

but they are hugely warm hearted and care more than they wanna admit

their love language is acts of service

his confidence is not what it seems about who he is though

Virgos already are hard on themselves but

Venus virgo means he is REALLY

going to doubt why you are with him

pls reassure him

he wants to make you floored enough to never leave

he will try so hard

His mars is Gemini which indicates a preference for physical activity

which makes sense since Virgos need an outlet for all that nervous energy

N node is Sagittarius so he tends to be really adventurous

fun dates

fun but still traditional

so maybe a picnic or a random beach day

he’ll have it perfectly planned but it’s a surprise for you

will probably not be the MOST physically affectionate in initiating contact especially not in public

but

if you initiate it , he will feel like he owns the whole world

but will probably tsundere it

“Oh i see, you just have to hold my hand cause you are scared right?”

“Did you miss me that much? I suppose you can cling to me for comfort if you have to.

Do not believe him you have already melted him inside

18+ the moment you are waiting for we know it we are all sluts down here

ooof big oof

Alright listen

scorpio rising means KINKY

he wants to try so many things

probably owns a restraint set

and maybe a plug set don’t at me

CONTROL

CONTROLING

DOM

okay

he has WAY too much Virgo to sub

maybe just maybe he will try it one time

and if it’s within parameters he feels okay with he will even be okay with it on occasion

but remember

Virgos are all acts of service and with Sun, Moon, Venus, and Jupiter in Virgo??

I am praying for your pelvis

GOOD LUCK

he has rules

he has no qualms with punishing you for breaking them

probably edges you until you are crying

he wants to please and he WILL but you are gonna get it on his time not yours

ORAL

recieving and giving are gonna be ah-mazing and OOF the grunts while he does it

facefucking he's praising you

both ways are gonna make you Only hotter

loves to tell you what to do

likes to see you weak for him

Wanna make him happy?

Beg.

on your knees

shit that’s hot

he will eat that shit up

and rewards will be bountiful

and he has it planned

Probably likes to watch you touch yourself

gets off on being fully clothed while you’re a mess

“Take that off too and spread your legs more”

Toys

Orgasm denial

“If you cum before I say to, you’re not allowed to cum for a week.

aftercare is A++

has there ever been anyone better at aftercare than a Virgo?

no?

don’t think so

he had everything laid out so clean up was a snap

and then rubbed all your sore muscles out with lotion and gentle hands

pulls you close and praises you for being so good

will feed you and give you water and probably has vitamins that are good for recovery

he wants you to be ready for the next few rounds

A/N I hope you enjoyed !!

again this is not really based off anything I know about him, but instead his chart itself.

I am working on your next request but today didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped, thank you for being patient!!!

Requests are open and my Ask box is always open for any rando one off questions you may have!

#Ace vav #jang wooyoung #vav #vav fanfiction #kpop astrology #kpop request #send me more guys!!!#kpop asks #ace vav fanfiction

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labnedthealchemist · 5 years ago

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My Voices

It’s hard for me to pin down exactly when I first started hearing voices. I started documenting them, or at least one, in my journal dating back to 2015. But I’ve had horrible negative self thought that is hard to distinguish from a separate voice (which I’ll talk about) since I was 13, back in 2008. Regardless of when they started, they’ve been with me for me for some time now. There are definitely newer ones that I can peg an exact date of when they’ve started, but I still have no accurate estimate of how many times I’ve heard any individual voice.

Sometimes several will talk at the same time, sometimes they talk to eachother, usually only one will focus on and talk to me at a time. As of right now there are 6 individuals that have either named themselves or I have identified and named myself.

Sometimes it can get really crowded and loud in my head, so much so that I have to rock and plug my ears, as if that does anything, as the individual voices sounds as though usually they are speaking from the inside of my skull, or maybe right in my ear.

At one time I tried to distance myself from the voices. Separating myself entirely, I had decided that they were they’re own separate beings and a terrible symptom of a disease that I had. Now I understand again that they are a part of me and a part of my life that I’ll more than likely have for the rest of my days.

The voices in order of when they started are as follows:

Josh: Always, always, negative. Voice referenced above. Josh does not like me and I do not like Josh. He repeatedly calls me names, says slurs randomly to distress me, and has literally never done anything positive for me. Josh usually starts up before I fully lose contact with reality or pushes me over the edge to that point. Earliest voice, may or may not predate my delusions. Named by me, because I dislike the name Josh (reaffirmed by a RN I had during one of my Involuntary Hospitalizations). Semi complex he has said as long as short sentences to cut me down and dispute me when I try to feel better about myself. Most commonly heard voice.

Kyle: Inquisitive, asks me questions about what I’m doing, what I’ve learned recently, how I’m doing. Sometimes almost acts as an interviewer about my life/future. Second(?) earliest voice. Not a mean voice. Questions my worth at times, but usually benign. Named by me. I haven’t heard Kyle in a little while as of writing this. When I was in college actively studying he was much more present.

Larissa: Least Complex Voice. Constantly Screaming, never distinctly saying anything, just screaming. Came up around the same time as Kyle. Present at the same time as other voices usually causing/add distress to my overall situation. Makes it much, much harder to concentrate. Probably second most commonly heard voice.

IT: Most Complex Voice. Acts as totally separate entity. Major source of worry virtually anytime IT talks to me. Focus of my most persisting delusion. Unnamed. I’m afraid of IT. Possibly second oldest voice. Present almost exclusively when I am panicking/lost contact with reality. Least commonly heard voice.

Other Larissa: Bubbly, fun, initially annoyed me now I’m fond of her. Triggered not Exclusively by my friend M, but triggered by her presence every time and sometimes even by the thought of her. Only voice to focus on someone that isn’t me. Repeats words over and over on top of self, as if multiple voices talking at once repeating words. Named herself. Unclear if it’s the same voice as Larissa, but speaking instead of screaming. Very Much Loves M, now almost exclusively focuses on talking about her when present. I actively engage OL when she speaks as I like hearing from her. She doesn’t stay talking for long though (probably due to my meds).

Ama: Care taking voice. Soft, only beneficial. Maternal Voice that tries to help me focus on tasks at hand. Only heard a Twice and envoked purposefully the second time. Usually repeats advice My Fiancée, K, had given me.

This is the first time I’ve sat down and written anything documenting aspects of the voices rather than just times that I’ve experienced them.

This is a post for myself as much as it is for the Schizophrenia/Psychosis Spectrum Community. Maybe other voice hearers can relate. You’re not alone. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed for hearing or even purposefully talking to the voices, they are a part of who you are and you are entitled to cope with them in the way that’s most healthy and beneficial to you. And if you feel they are totally detached from you and an entirely separate existence from yourself, that’s totally valid as well and you are entitled to feel that way.

My point is that our experience is unique, it is not always an experience that we “suffer” through. And you shouldn’t feel bad for hearing voices that no one else can hear.

#actuallyschizophrenic #actuallypsychotic #pseriouslypsychotic #pseriouslypsychosis #voice hearer

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dawnfelagund · 7 years ago

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Hi there! I’m 16 and studying humanity-arts in junior college rn in India. How exactly do I become a ‘Tolkien scholar’? I hear other countries’ colleges offer a course in fantasy including Tolkien, or a class on Tolkien himself, but in a country where less than half the population speaks English, this isn’t possible. THANK YOU!!

I started using that term to describe myself when I had my first Tolkien studies article published in a peer-reviewed journal. As for how I got there …

I started lurking in the Tolkien fandom, specifically the fanfic community, in 2004. I began posting my own stories and participating in discussion in 2005. I became a Tolkien fan through the LotR films but, like a lot of film fans, didn’t stay movieverse for long: I quickly read all of the major works and began working on the edited collections like UT and HoMe. My study was helped immensely by the fan community to which I belonged. We discussed and debated the texts endlessly, usually in the context of writing fanfic. This was before there were many reliable online sources of information about Tolkien’s world and most people didn’t have access to all of the books, so if you were researching an obscure character or tracing the development of an idea across the legendarium, you often relied on your Tolkien communities to help you, and you in turn helped them. As a result, I became very comfortable with areas of the canon–namely the Years of the Trees and First Age in The Silmarilion–in texts that most “Tolkien scholars” weren’t even working with at the time, like the HoMe.

I was also having regular conversations with other well-read, thoughtful fans via fanfic communities on Yahoo! Groups and LiveJournal. These spaces were at once challenging (due to the caliber of knowledge of the fans there) and safe (due to being semi-public or at least off the radar), so I felt comfortable trying out my relatively knew knowledge there. The worst consequence to being wrong was having that pointed out by someone, often a friend, not having your mistake corrected and reblogged ad infinitum for all the world to see. We were also writing and discussing stories based on what we were learning about the texts, which added another deep layer of understanding about the legendarium.

In the midst of all of this, I decided to return to university to get my teaching certification. Because my Bachelor’s degree was in psychology, I needed some undergrad English coursework in order to be licensed to teach English. I did take a Tolkien studies class at this time; in fact, I chose the university where I did my coursework on the basis of their having that class! It was not a valuable experience. Ironically, it was my only A-, on the basis of an exam where the professor posed a series of SAT-like analogy questions comparing LotR characters to various mythological figures. I overthought my answers and even though the professor admitted my defenses of my answers were correct (and claimed my paper for the class was graduate-level because it *gasp* incorporated The Silmarillion), ultimately refused to accept the answers. I’m still salty over this; I knew more about Tolkien than this guy did even then, and this was ten years ago. I’ll say more on better options for Tolkien studies coursework in a moment.

After a year of undergrad English coursework and two years slogging through graduate-level education coursework to get my teaching license, I decided to go right into a Master’s program in humanities. My university used a “great books” style of programming where we began with the Mesopotamians and marched through history as told through its most important literary works, ending at the Industrial Revolution, with core coursework supplemented with elective courses on topics like cosmology and economics, also studied through important literary works. This gave me a broad if shallow basis in important texts in the world literature canon. Two years before I was due to graduate, I began working on my research for my thesis, which was about the stylistic use of oral-formulaic elements to create a sense of connection to the past in Beowulf. I wanted to produce something publishable in an adjacent field to Tolkien’s own work, not just get a passing grade for the class. My thesis eventually passed with distinction. (I’ve yet to chop it up for publication, but someday …)

Through this, I was still participating in fandom, though much less due to the realities of teaching full-time and going to grad school part-time. I was also auditing coursework at Signum University that I thought would help me with my thesis (e.g., Latin, Old English, and courses on philology and Beowulf taught by Tom Shippey) and sometimes based on personal interest (Tolkien studies). At this time, I also started presenting some of my Tolkien studies research at conferences and had a few things published in edited publications. In late 2016, I finally saw my first Tolkien studies article in print in a peer-reviewed journal.

What I think made my own journey successful:

Being constantly steeped in discussing and writing about the legendarium with other fans who were equally interested in diving deeply with me. I can’t overemphasize the debt I owe my fellow fandom people in getting to where I am. I also can’t overemphasize the respect I have for the knowledge and perspectives of fans versus scholars in Tolkien studies. Having now been to many conferences, I often find that my fandom friends can run circles around many if not most of the presenters. Fandom also has unique ways of reading the texts compared to academia, and those approaches have led me to original approaches in scholarship, like my work with historiography in the texts.

Developing a good formal humanities foundation through my graduate coursework. This lets me see the big picture in a way that I could not have if I’d focused my work entirely on Tolkien studies.

Supplementing that with humanities studies that are particularly relevant to the legendarium. Sometimes this through was personal study–I have shelves full of not only books by and about Tolkien but the texts that he read and that influenced his work. This is also where I make a plug for Signum University. If you want to take a Tolkien studies course, I recommend starting there. (Past courses are also available for purchase with access to lecture recordings and course materials.) They’re challenging and taught by luminaries in the field–Tom Shippey, Verlyn Flieger, and Michael Drout have all taught courses there–and will connect you with a community of other people interested in scholarship related to fantasy and Tolkien studies.

As with getting good at anything, I can’t underestimate hard work and constancy of vision. I did not come from a bookish family–neither of my parents graduated college–nor was I handed the privilege of going to university without having to work my ass off to keep my head above water the entire time (I have friends who describe their undergrad years in the same ways that middle-schoolers describe going to summer camp, as an endless stream of fun and activities), but I never lost sight of what I wanted and tried to edge closer to it every day.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

#tolkien studies #tolkien #it was really hard to start calling myself a tolkien scholar #i felt like an imposter #because I was just a fanfic writer #but looking at this now #i worked g-d hard to get there

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ellymackay · 6 years ago

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EPAP Gets a New Look

The following article EPAP Gets a New Look Find more on: EllyMackay.com

Expiratory positive airway pressure for sleep apnea goes from humble beginnings to devices with expanded features such as reusability.

By Lisa Spear

When physician and engineer Rajiv Doshi’s wife complained about his snoring and asked if he could do something about it, he thought about it for a moment.

“Well, maybe that is a reasonable request; maybe I can do something about it,” Doshi recalls thinking. Maybe he could invent a solution.

An adjunct professor of medicine at Stanford University, Doshi, MD, thought back to his days in medical school in the ’90s, when he had watched a patient with emphysema do an exercise called pursed lip breathing.

The exercise of breathing in through the nose and slowly breathing out through pursed lips helped that patient create backpressure to keep the airways open.

youtube

When that memory floated back to him, he knew he could invent a device to create that same backpressure to keep his airways open during the night, and hopefully prevent his snoring. It worked.

After months of developing and testing a homemade anti-snoring device made from an assortment of supplies, including tubing he picked up at hobby stores and pieces of latex gloves, the first expository positive airway pressure (EPAP) device was born.

A venture capitalist at the time with the firm De Novo Ventures, which invests in biotechnology, Doshi had the resources to launch this new product. He also knew that there was a market for treatment solutions for sleep apnea. Many physicians were looking at surgical solutions in the mid-2000s and he wanted to present a less invasive option. So he created the company Ventus Medical in December of 2005 to further develop and sell his EPAP device under the name Provent for the treatment of sleep apnea. The company later released a lower-pressure version called Theravent for snoring. Since then, millions of these devices have been sold, and EPAP has become a well-known therapy among sleep physicians.

The earliest EPAP therapy prototypes that Rajiv Doshi, MD, made for nasal EPAP in 2005. Doshi used these devices to test the concept of nasal EPAP to treat snoring on himself. Courtesy of Rajiv Doshi.

Unlike CPAP, this therapy doesn’t require a power source and is small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. It consists of a patch that holds two small plugs over each nostril with an adhesive seal. Each plug has a pinhole-sized valve that creates enough backpressure to keep the airways open at night. While CPAP is still considered the gold standard of sleep apnea therapy, Provent has been shown to have a high compliance rate and to reduce daytime sleepiness, according to research published in the journal SLEEP. [1]

It’s an extraordinarily simple solution, so simple that when it first appeared on the sleep treatment scene, it was met with disbelief, Doshi says. He and his colleagues took on the arduous task of convincing the medical community of the viability and effectiveness of EPAP.

Since then, several studies have proven that EPAP is an effective, safe treatment option for patients who might not tolerate CPAP. Research, led by Meir Kryger, MD, showed that patients who used Provent for 3 months had their median apnea-hypopnea index (AHI) decrease from 48.2 to 18.9.[2]

Since its inception, EPAP technology has mostly stayed consistent, until now. A few medical companies are redesigning this therapy to focus on increasing patient comfort and creating reusable EPAP devices. One Australian company, Oventus Medical, has even developed an EPAP valve called the ExVent to fit into that company’s O2Vent oral appliance. ExVent is undergoing review at the FDA.

The original EPAP device from Provent delivered therapy via the nose and was less tolerated and effective for those individuals who have nasal issues (congestion, anatomical abnormalities) which contributes to mouth breathing says Robyn Woidtke, MSN, RN, RPSGT, director of regulatory and clinical affairs at Oventus.

Later this year, AirAvant Medical Inc, is coming out with its new EPAP, the Bongo Rx. Its silicone plugs are inserted inside the nostrils. This device uses the same method to produce backpressure that the original Provent uses, except it dilates the nostrils to further increase airflow, according to Ron Richard, co-founder of AirAvant Medical.

“The other devices were more like a Band-Aid that you have to place on the outside of the nose, so it didn’t have any nasal dilation at all,” says Richard. “[Bongo Rx] does create more airflow for the patients.”

The Bongo Rx is a silicone EPAP device. When inserted into the nostrils, the valves will open upon inhalation. Exhaled air flows through small vent holes producing resistance that generates expiratory positive airway pressure. Courtesy of AirAvant Medical Inc.

Last year, the FDA gave the Bongo Rx clearance to treat mild to moderate obstructive sleep apnea after studies showed its efficacy. “Through the studies we found that it really lowers the work of breathing and makes the patients feel much more comfortable,” says Richard.

“We achieved the same results as what we saw on the download of their CPAP machine. That was encouraging and we are continuing to do additional studies.”

AirAvant Medical’s device is also reusable. The device can be cleaned and worn for up to three months. Made with silicon, it can be washed with mild soap.

Patients who are congested with a cold or allergies might find this option to be more comfortable than other forms of EPAP, Richard says, since the Bongo Rx is easy to slip in and out of the nose throughout the night.

In the future, AirAvant plans to incorporate a built-in monitoring system that will enable patients and doctors to track treatment outcomes, but the technology isn’t quite there yet, says Richard.

“The thing that we need to work on and we are working on is giving the patient and their doctors more objective data,” he says. “We are looking at sensors that we can integrate into the product, but we have not yet found anything small enough or that has enough battery power.”

Doshi’s hope is that the developers of these newer breeds of EPAP try to understand the needs of the patients. “I invented this EPAP technology because there was a massive patient need and that need still exists, so I am really hopeful that people can learn from Provent, improve upon it and ultimately impact patients’ lives. That would be a great source of joy for me.”

Lisa Spear is associate editor of Sleep Review.

Image: Provent Therapy mechanism of action. Courtesy of Provent

References

[1] Berry RB; Kryger MH; Massie CA. A novel nasal expiratory positive airway pressure (EPAP) device for the treatment of obstructive sleep apnea: a randomized controlled trial. SLEEP 2011;34(4):479-485.

[2] Berry RB; Kryger MH; Massie CA. A novel nasal expiratory positive airway pressure (EPAP) device for the treatment of obstructive sleep apnea: a randomized controlled trial. SLEEP 2011;34(4):479-485.

from Sleep Review http://www.sleepreviewmag.com/2019/02/epap-new-look/

from Elly Mackay - Feed https://www.ellymackay.com/2019/02/05/epap-gets-a-new-look/

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perspectief1 · 6 years ago

Text

EPAP Gets a New Look

EPAP Gets a New Look was originally seen on Perspectief

Expiratory positive airway pressure for sleep apnea goes from humble beginnings to devices with expanded features such as reusability.

By Lisa Spear

When physician and engineer Rajiv Doshi’s wife complained about his snoring and asked if he could do something about it, he thought about it for a moment.

“Well, maybe that is a reasonable request; maybe I can do something about it,” Doshi recalls thinking. Maybe he could invent a solution.

The exercise of breathing in through the nose and slowly breathing out through pursed lips helped that patient create backpressure to keep the airways open.

youtube

When that memory floated back to him, he knew he could invent a device to create that same backpressure to keep his airways open during the night, and hopefully prevent his snoring. It worked.

“We achieved the same results as what we saw on the download of their CPAP machine. That was encouraging and we are continuing to do additional studies.”

AirAvant Medical’s device is also reusable. The device can be cleaned and worn for up to three months. Made with silicon, it can be washed with mild soap.

In the future, AirAvant plans to incorporate a built-in monitoring system that will enable patients and doctors to track treatment outcomes, but the technology isn’t quite there yet, says Richard.

Lisa Spear is associate editor of Sleep Review.

Image: Provent Therapy mechanism of action. Courtesy of Provent

References

from Sleep Review http://www.sleepreviewmag.com/2019/02/epap-new-look/

from https://www.perspectief.org/epap-gets-a-new-look/

0 notes

marclefrancois1 · 6 years ago

Text

EPAP Gets a New Look

The blog article e0a9e1e9e6412908cf53cee25f32209b62d23d03e119cd2df63e6855e8fc22eee0a9e1e9e6412908cf53cee25f32209b62d23d03e119cd2df63e6855e8fc22eepostlinke0a9e1e9e6412908cf53cee25f32209b62d23d03e119cd2df63e6855e8fc22eee0a9e1e9e6412908cf53cee25f32209b62d23d03e119cd2df63e6855e8fc22ee was initially seen on MLF Blog

Expiratory positive airway pressure for sleep apnea goes from humble beginnings to devices with expanded features such as reusability.

By Lisa Spear

When physician and engineer Rajiv Doshi’s wife complained about his snoring and asked if he could do something about it, he thought about it for a moment.

“Well, maybe that is a reasonable request; maybe I can do something about it,” Doshi recalls thinking. Maybe he could invent a solution.

The exercise of breathing in through the nose and slowly breathing out through pursed lips helped that patient create backpressure to keep the airways open.

youtube

When that memory floated back to him, he knew he could invent a device to create that same backpressure to keep his airways open during the night, and hopefully prevent his snoring. It worked.

“We achieved the same results as what we saw on the download of their CPAP machine. That was encouraging and we are continuing to do additional studies.”

AirAvant Medical’s device is also reusable. The device can be cleaned and worn for up to three months. Made with silicon, it can be washed with mild soap.

In the future, AirAvant plans to incorporate a built-in monitoring system that will enable patients and doctors to track treatment outcomes, but the technology isn’t quite there yet, says Richard.

Lisa Spear is associate editor of Sleep Review.

Image: Provent Therapy mechanism of action. Courtesy of Provent

References

from Sleep Review http://www.sleepreviewmag.com/2019/02/epap-new-look/

from https://www.marclefrancois.net/2019/02/05/epap-gets-a-new-look/

0 notes

3ezentrum3-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Why Has There Been No Change In The Method Of Collecting Urine From Stomas?

There have been awesome advances in enhancing the pastes and wafers that assistance to avert spillage.

There has been no adjustment in how the pee is gathered from the stoma and put away until the point when the pocket is purged. This shocks me. As a Urostomy tolerant myself, I am occupied with what propels have been made in the gathering strategy from the stoma. Up until now, from doing research, I have not discovered any elective strategy.

The main strategy available, today, is to have a plastic pocket stuck to the stomach with the stoma inside the pocket. Indeed, even with the immense advances in glues and hindrance rings, subjecting the skin under the pocket, in this manner under the glue, to delayed presentation to these synthetic substances causes issues. Skin being in steady contact with these synthetic concoctions a seemingly endless amount of time shows, at any rate affectability. Human skin ought not be subjected to glues every minute of every day for quite a long time.

On the off chance that Urostomy and Colostomy patients were surveyed, I feel that you would locate that one of there top issues was the skin underneath their pocket. Simply taking a gander at the skin can disclose to you that it is bothered in view of the cements utilized.

The accompanying four passages I either cited or reworded from an article composed by Gwen B. Turnbull, RN, BS, ET.

The article title - Ostomy Wound Management

The full article is at http://www.o-wm.com/article/6240

Before 1960, just 25 organizations produced Ostomy supplies.

In 1920, the Koenig-Rutzen elastic pocket was presented. It took an additional 20 years before dispensable plastic pouching frameworks, skin-accommodating cements, and skin assurance ended up accessible available.

By 1950, more organizations had entered the market and development took off. Be that as it may, broad utilization of "perpetual" (re-usable) substantial elastic pockets, inflexible faceplates, and paste remained the standard.

In the mid 1970s,Vinyl re-usable pockets were presented yet were ineffectual at smell administration. Karaya's capacities as a "skin boundary," found in the mid-1960s, immediately moved it into a place of strength in the US Ostomy showcase. Soon thereafter and ahead of schedule into the following, bigger makers entered the field, creating further developed skin hindrances and dispensable, lightweight, smell safe pouching frameworks.

Truly, there has kept on being propels in pocket plans, glues and skin boundary however there have NOT been any advances in the system of gathering the pee from the stoma.

For what reason not?

Therapeutic science has propelled a hundred overlap since the 50s, 70s. In any case, the Medical Community has not investigated new technique to supplant the pocket framework nor have the huge Ostomy supply organizations. Is the reason, a similar old story?

I have no therapeutic preparing however here is the thing that I might want to see. A technique for gathering that does not require a pocket stuck to your stomach area. The pocket held set up with a stomach belt on some kind. To me, the pocket is just a zip bolt pack with a couple of confuses inside to help shield the pee from settling around the stoma territory and a yield plug for discharging. Extremely that is all they are.

The odd time Ostomy patients are required to either siphon themselves or by the Ostomy Nurse. By and large, this is done when a sterile example of pee is required to test for a disease.

When I was taking my Chemotherapy on a week by week bases there were two individuals who required a stretch embed on the grounds that their veins were not doing so good. This was the main way that they could get the chemotherapy. One Chemotherapy session like clockwork went on for more than 4 hours. That is quite a while to have an IV trickling solid synthetic compounds into your framework. As I comprehend it, the spell utilized as a part of most home dialysis patients.

For what reason can't some variety of the stretch be appended to the stoma to give inches reaching out from the stomach divider? This spell would be embedded or connected to the pocket to convey the pee from the stoma. On the other hand, the stoma made longer amid medical procedure with the goal that it reaches out outside the stomach divider no less than 4 to 6 inches. Despite the fact that, the stoma made from an area of the little entrail, it has no nerve endings. The expanded segment from the stomach divider could be guarded clean and by a defensive cover. All Ostomy patients are extremely mindful of tidiness. On the off chance that they don't, they will have one contamination after another and no one needs that.

In this way, let us hear a few remarks back. Am I too far beyond the reasonable world as we know it? In the case of nothing else, it is something to think about for Ostomy patients.

You can see my blog at: http://www.mybladdercancersite.com where I recount my story from analysis, medical procedure, the production of a stoma, chemotherapy and starting today - tumor free.

Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/master/Neil_Macdonald/129786

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/982323

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survivorindia · 8 years ago

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Whatever Forever- jaiden (Episode 3)

Anyway!!!!!!!! I just got elimed and whew I'm just feeling so many emotions. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown the immunity to save lexi, maybe I should've kept ace over Ashley,maybe I never really had a chance in this game in the first place. Overall? I just feel bad for promising lexi that I'd help keep her in the game and then immediately flopping, and for Kendall, leaving my one tru ally by herself, I hope the swap goes in her favour and that both of them can vote out the rest of the returnee heroes, some revenge is always nice TBH. Ashley, gav and Alex, I really did trust two of you and I was gonna stay loyal so it sucks that y'all flipped so easily, of course the fact that Ashley had an idol probably wasn't the best thing, but we could've figured something out. I hope the three of you get elimed soon or at least prejury bc you know the great dan whatever his last name is said flippers never win and well it's no fun seeing snakes get far either TBH ! And I know y'all won't be reading this til later but good luck newbies I hope y'all truly slay this game bc really some of these returnees I would really rather see get elimed except maybe Kendall and Jordan pines. This has been a fun game for the most part, the challenges were great, the hosts were greater (even David Robb) and I met some good people in my short stay here! Do I have some regrets? Yeah but I wouldn't have wanted to play this game any other way. Keep an eye out for me in the returnee season :~) single digits I'm still coming for ya!

So not much has happened this round. We won, yet again. And my #1 ally out of everyone in this game, my good friend Monte, was sadly voted out. But best believe I'm gonna win this game for him!

What in the heckie is Nicole doing?

What the FUCK? These people need to CHILL out. It's our fault - we made the mistake, the hosts don't have to babysit us every step of the way. Now we gotta own it and win this tiebreaker - honestly, Danny g'luck (I WAS FORCED TO MAKE THIS S/O) to these people, because they are getting on my nerves with their complaining rn.

We keep winning. I love that. But Jordan Pines might wanna blindside me... so to that I say:

Am I exaggerating? A little bit. I think. I don't know. I'm being weird and emotional so idk what the fuck I'm actually thinking... I hope I get voted out next at this point yay

Okay, everyone listening? Two common misconceptions about pegging: If a man likes pegging, he must be gay. If you peg a straight man, he will become gay. Cue Laughter and Eye Roll - Both of these are so ridiculous as to be laughable on so many levels. Gender preference has nothing to do with the sex toys you like to play with...or the area of your body you like your partner to play with. For those of you who have fears around this - please excuse the laughter...though I do find the concept quite humorous. Think of it this way...If a straight man enjoys getting pegged by a woman there is no reason whatsoever to think that all of a sudden he will crave sex with men. Just like if a straight woman enjoys receiving oral sex from a man there is no reason whatsoever to think that she will suddenly want to be a lesbian. See how silly that sounds? (Now if the man is bisexual, just ignore all this and go to the next blog post because he prefers both genders so these points are moot.) A man who wants his ass fucked is gay, you say? Bullshit. (I seem to be in a sassy mood tonight.) Remember, the male ass is the source of an amazing amount of pleasure via the prostate gland. Whether a man experiences that pleasure from his lady's finger(s), his own finger(s), a toy (there are so many), his lady’s strap-on, a butt plug, his partner's finger(s) or his partner's cock makes no difference. All of the above are simply various examples of the pursuit of pleasurable sensations from an ass. Many really nice toys are specifically made for anal pleasure! That should give you a bit of pause. Maybe the people buying these items know something....just like the 150 - 200 million gay men in the world. But wait - I'm probably confusing you... Unexplored Ecstasy - The point here is that anal exploration is about pleasure, not an indicator of gender preference. What I find a shame is that so many straight men will not indulge in that pleasure because of these misconceptions along with the bullshit social stigma attached to it. Maybe it's just me (standing here ready with my strap-on), but that sounds like a lot of pleasure being abstained from...and oh my the word abstinence in any form is not a popular one amongst the pleasure seekers that have found their way to Pegging Paradise! I am certain there are men out there who secretly would love to have their ass teased with...well, a variety of things. These men hesitate to ask for it because they fear their partner's reaction to their request or the reaction of others if they found out. All of this is fed by the original misconceptions as well as a puerile dose of idiotic homophobia. Get over it, people! I know...easier for me to say here in Southern California when some of you might be in conservative strait-laced sex-negative hell somewhere. But hey - we need to start somewhere, right? Are you going to let other people's narrow-minded attitudes affect your pursuit of pleasure in the privacy of your own bedroom (hotel room, board room, etc)? I think not. No Fear - So Ladies, I urge you to get over your own fears that if you fuck your man in the ass with a strap-on dildo the gay fairy will instantly appear and sprinkle him with magic gay dust and you will lose him forever to his own gender. Okay? If you can't let go of that fear, you have no business strapping on a dildo. I mean really...are you going to follow him around after you fuck him and be suspicious of all of his encounters with males? Let it go, ladies. And when you get your man where you want him and you have your way with him...don't kiss and tell. Especially if you live in one of those strait-laced sex-negative hell places I spoke of previously. Instead, treasure the vulnerability your man has shared with you and let him know that come hell or high water or nosy girlfriends, he can trust you to keep that part of your sex life confidential. Pleasure Seeking - Gentlemen, the other part of the formula here is you. If you are clear about which gender you prefer, that's your stable base. Do your best to let go of any homophobic comments you have heard, read or even, heaven forbid, said. Your anus is a part of your body that, when properly stimulated, offers a whole new world of pleasure. Orgasms with anal stimulation are most times much more intense and produce much more cum (that's always fun). Given just that, why wouldn't you want to at least check it out? If you love it, all that means is that you love getting fucked with a strap-on by the woman who makes you hot. There is no "Insta-gay" phenomenon that happens if your lady pegs you. As one man put it: I like breasts with my strap-on, thank you! Pegger/Peggee - Wouldn't it be awesome if people who were into pegging walked around in T-Shirts that said, simply, "Pegger" or "Peggee"? I mean - relatively few people who are not kink-oriented know the sexual meaning of the word so lovingly created by Dan Savage. So the masses of people leading lives of quiet desperation (read: sex-negative) wouldn't have a clue what it meant. And if asked, one could always say with a smile, "Look it up on Wikipedia". Just make sure it's a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile as you say the words and they just might look it up. Presto, you have just spread the word about a luscious, sexy, pleasure-filled act that couples can add to their carnal repertoire. You may have changed their lives forever...in a rather explosive way.

AHAHAHAHAHA @GAVIN

THOSE BOYS WANT TRIBAL TN BECAUSE WE LOST IMMUNITY AND IM SO FUCKING NERVOUS I DONT WANT TO DIE I HAVE SO MANY PLANS IF JORDAN SACRIFICE ME FOR NICOLE OKOKOKOK

So... mission successful. Let's quickly debrief: 1. Ashley trusts me a lot more after I told her details that Alex told me in private. Making Ashley feel like she was on shaky ground further resulted in her letting me know that she has an idol. Whether or not it is true is besides the point... the true crux of the matter is that I have Ashley left in the game with three people she can't trust and me... so that means I ought to be her #1. 2. Alex and I are as tight as ever. Even despite giving Ashley information, I was able to quickly fix that bond. I genuinely like and trust Alex, but I can't let the cloud my judgement. He's very close to Kendall, which scares me, but I have looked to leverage that in our post-tribal call. In my conversations with Alex, I want to make him feel like he is calling the shots while still looking to provide input. Thus far, I think I have done that. With Ashley allegedly having the idol (information that was supposed to be "kept secret" but was totally not "kept secret" xD), I have talked to Alex extensively about the next vote and I've made a deal with him to take out Karen rather than Kendall... while also *hopefully* keeping Ashley's idol in play. My goal here is to come out of this with both Ashley and Alex working independently, but all in all, nonetheless in my best interests. In short, the way this tribe seems to be shaking out is that there is this façade of autonomy and power that Karen and Kendall have. They have this illusion that they call the shots, while it really is Alex and I that hold the cards in this dynamic. Kendall, to get Alex completely on my side... I need to spare you to gain his trust, BUT MARK MY WORDS I'M GOING FOR YOU! *Nothing against you, just your social game is very very strong but annoyingly obvious too ;3* Oh. And Ace got voted out too... I guess.

I never really made an opening confessional, so here I go I guess? I am really... really excited to be back. It's so easy for so many people to say "Oh yeah I've played a ton, people want me back." We see it with a ton of people, and that's not a bad thing. People want to see them back for a big reason. But I never had that. Coming off of Malaysia I was hated and people did not really respect me for who I was and thought that I was some awful person and player. It definitely hit me hard a bit, but at the time I was like, okay that's fine, there's other seasons. Tumblr does a lot. And so I applied. I applied for Sri Lanka with Marie and didn't make it. I applied for Rebels vs Rogues and didn't make it. I applied for Bora Bora and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Generations and wasn't casted, or I didn't believe I was going to have time due to time conflicts. I wasn't contacted for Maldives. I missed the application for Tenochtitlan. I applied for Sicily and didn't make it. I believe I applied for Bangladesh and didn't make it. I wasn't contacted for Arabia (though there may have been apps and I missed it). I wasn't contacted for Myanmar. And I was super excited to finally get this chance to play in Lazio but I missed the acceptance of my application. And going back to all the times I had tried to play or just was kind of ignored it was rough. I kind of thought I was done. And now I'm here playing in India. After over a year on and off of trying to play this game again. And to be honest, I'm hella pumped. Because I've missed out on so many chances to play. I think it says something when even parts of my Malaysia cast aren't even excited to see me on the season. This is kind of my opportunity to prove people wrong. My personality showed even at this Tribal where I literally told Gavin his answer to the Tribal Question was awful and completely wrecked Ace after he wished us a heartfelt goodbye. I want people to know that I am playing as hard as I can. I'm not here to change who I am to impress people. I'm here to show who I am so that I can prove to people that I'm not some worthless player who doesn't deserve to be back; I definitely feel like some people think that is the truth. I'm going to prove people wrong. Count on it.

I know I said I wanted to be a villain but goddamn, this is pretty fucked up. Oh right context because mind reading technology hasn't been invented quite yet. To make a long story short, Karen made an alliance chat with our victim (Ashley) and now it has a name and now it is terrible. Alex brings up voting Karen and that raisin I call a heart was all like "YAAASS QUEEN!" And my brain was tempted by the #bigmove but getting rid of Karen... is truthfully not to my benefit. Sure Karen is manipulative but she seems to trust me. She confides in me with information and she includes me in all her fucked up little schemes. In a sense, I'm the Trish to her Tony. If Trish and Tony were two gay and emotionally stunted children of course. Plus she has the connections to the other side that could get us far into the game and I am confident enough in our friendship that she will stay by my side. Of course, I will remain wary of her but for now I think our relationship is mutually beneficial. Karen needs me for back up in her schemes. I need Karen to get where I want to get. She gives me information. Information I can collect in to a giant web of evidence, so when the day comes when I turn on her, I'll have the evidence via receipts to back me up. Karen never deletes anything, I am planning on using that to my advantage.

So I was reallllyyyyyy close to using my idol tonight, and I totally would have wasted it if I had. Gavin advised me that I would be okay, and so did Alex and Kendall but like something didn't feel right. I had heard that Ace heard my name from Karen and I was like well shit. She had literally just today come to me and told me that we were all good and that she didn't hold the last game we played together against me. Like there are no hard feelings. but due to everything that was happening I kind of doubted that. But tbh I love Gavin and Alex and really hope we can work together for the next few rounds. Or even longer, who knows. I still am unsure about Karen and Kendall, as I don't really know them that well. But hopefully everything works out.

Oh I also definitely told Gavin I have an idol.... idiot move? We shall see.

I am so glad we won immunity. It for sure would have been me or Lexi next if we had gone to tribal. It looks like Johnny and Whitney aren't too upset that I didn't vote with them but I can't take my chances. I had been searching for the idol for a while with no luck so I asked Lexi to help me find it. She found it within a few hours lol. We didn't find the idol but we found the idol grid. It's relieving to know it couldn't have been found right away. This gives me and her time to find it. Hopefully we'll get it before anyone else and we'll be set for the rest of the time on this tribe. I doubt anyone else on our tribe has found the idol page or would suspect that we found it. I'm thinking long term so the game plan would be using the idol on lexi and getting rid of Liam. If we happen to go to a tribal council after that we could try to get Whitney or Johnny to flip to our side. Even if they don't want to we can always force a tie so Lexi and I still have a strong chance of succeeding. We just have to find that idol!

This has been a crazy round. I'm glad the immunity challenge was changed to something that required more skill. The tribe worked very well as a team. There's an obvious divide between us so I'm glad we were able to get some time to bond and unite. As for the results, it was upsetting that the returnee heroes made such a big deal out of not getting theirs in on time. The rules clearly stated it was first to 10 pm. I'm sure we would've accepted defeat if we didn't send it faster than them. It was bad sportsmanship on their part. The tiebreaker was so stressful. I stepped up and I was so afraid of letting the team down. I knew if we went to tribal my only ally left, Lexi, would be voted off. There was a lot of pressure on me and I was honestly so anxious. I felt so victorious beating Kendall by 7 minutes. I hope my tribemates remember this next time we go to tribal and don't vote me out. I feel like I've done a lot for our tribe so I think I'm safe for now. I'm really hoping the tribe swap comes within the next two rounds. We can only win so many immunities and Lexi and I are on the bottom so we really need it asap.

#youdontgetmycrownjustcause

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