#i am once again asking my 36 followers to hire me

[anonymusical]

i have got to get a new job

[nim-lock]

Art Career Tips, 2021 Edition

Here’s an edited version of my 2019 answered ask, because... this feels relevant. 

It is a problem of capitalism that folks equate their income as a judgement of their value as people; and let me preface. You are worth so much. You have inherent value in this world. Your income is not a judgement on who you are (plenty of billionaires are actively making the world worse). LARPing self-confidence will go a long way to helping you get paid more for your work, because clients will believe that you know what you are doing, and are a professional. 

& real quick—my own background is that I’ve been living off my art since 2018. I went to art school (Pratt Institute). I work in a publishing/educational materials sphere, and a quarter of my income is my shop. Not all of this information may apply to you, so it is up to you to look through everything with a critical eye, and spot pick what is relevant. 

So there are multiple ways of getting income as an artist; 

Working freelance or full-time on projects

Selling your stuff on a shop

Licensing (charging other companies to use your designs)

This post primarily covers the freelance part; if you’re interested in the other bits there is absolutely info out there on the internet. 

IF you are just starting (skip to next section if not applicable) dream big, draw often (practice helps you get better/more efficient), do your best to take "a bad piece” lightly. You’re gonna RNG this shit. At some point your rate of “good” works will get higher. Watch tutorial videos & read books. A base understanding of “the rules”; anatomy, perspective, composition, color helps you know what the rules are to break them. This adds sophistication to your work. One way you can learn this stuff is by doing “studies”—you’re picking apart things from life, or things other people have done, to see what works, and how it works. 

Trying to turn your interests into a viable career means that you are now a SMALL BUSINESS; it really helps to learn some basic marketing, graphic design, figure out how to write polite customer service emails; etc. You can learn some of this by looking it up, or taking skillshare (not sponsored) classes by qualified folks. Eventually some people may get agents to take care of this for them—however, I do recommend y’all get a basic understanding of what it takes to do it on your own, just so you can know if your agent is doing a good job. 

Making sure your portfolio fits the work you want to get

Here is a beginner portfolio post. 

Research the field you’d like to get into. The amount people work, the time commitment, the process of making the thing, the companies & people who work for them. 

Create work that could fit in to the industry you’re breaking into. For example, if you want to do book cover illustration, you draw a bunch of mockup book covers, that can either be stuff you make up, or redesigns of existing books. If you’re not 100% sure what sort of work is needed for the industry, loop back into the portfolios of artists in a similar line of work as whatever you’re interested in, and analyze the things they have in common. If something looks to be a common project (like a sequence of action images for storyboard artists), then it’s probably something useful for the job. 

CLIENTS HIRE BASED ON HOW WELL THEY THINK YOUR WORK FITS WHAT THEY WANT. If they’re hiring for picture books, they’re gonna want to see picture book art in your portfolio, otherwise they may not want to risk hiring you. Doesn’t have to be 100% the project, but stuff similar enough. If you aren’t hired, it doesn’t mean your work is bad, it just wasn’t the right fit for that specific client. 

If you have many interests, make a different section of your portfolio for each!

Making sure you’re relevant 

Have a social media that’s a little more public-facing, and follow people in the career field you’re interested in. Fellow artists, art directors, editors, social media managers; whoever. Post on your own schedule. 

Interact with their posts every so often, in a non-creepy way. 

If you’ve made any contacts, great! Email these artists, art directors, editors, former professors, etc occasional updates on your work to stay in touch AND make sure that they think about you every so often.

Show up to general art events every once in a while! If you keep showing up to ones in your area (when... not dying from a sneeze is a thing), folks will eventually start to remember you. 

Industry events & conferences can be pricey, so attend/save up for what makes sense for you. Industry meetups are important for networking in person! In addition to meeting people with hiring power, you also connect with your peers in the community. Always bring a portfolio & hand out business cards like candy. 

Active job hunting

Apply to job postings online.

If interested in working with specific people at specific companies, you could send an email “I’d love to work with you, here’s my portfolio/relevant experience”, even if they aren’t actively looking for new hires. Be concise, and include a link to your work AND attached images so the person reading the email can get a quick preview before clicking for more. 

Twitter job postings can be pretty underpaid! Get a copy of the Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines to know your rate. I once had a twitter post job listing email me back saying that other illustrators were charging less, and I quote, “primarily because they’re less experienced and looking for their first commission”. This was not okay! For reference, this was a 64-illustration book. The industry rate of a children’s book (~36 pages) is $10k+, and this company’s budget was apparently $1k. For all of it. 

Congrats you got a job! Now what?

Ask for like, 10% more than they initially offer and see if they say yes. If they do, great! If not, and the price is still OK, great! Often company budgets are slightly higher than they first tell you, and if you get this extra secret money, all the better for you. 

Make sure you sign a contract and the terms aren’t terrible (re: GO GET THE  Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines) 

Be pleasant and easy to work with (Think ‘do no harm but take no shit’)

Communicate with them as much as needed! If something’s going to be late, tell them as soon as you know so they aren’t left wondering or worse, reaching out to ask what’s up. 

And if all goes well, they’ll contact you about more jobs down the line, or refer you to other folks who may need an artist, etc. 

Quick note about online shops/licensing and why they’re so good

It’s work that you do once, that you continuously make money off of. Different products do well in different situations (conventions vs. online, and then further, based on how you market/the specific groups you are marketing to), so products that may not do well initially may get a surge later on. 

Start with things that have low minimum order quantity and are relatively cheap to produce, like prints and stickers. 

If you are not breaking even, go back to some of the earlier portions of this and think about how you could tweak things as a small business. Ease of access is also very important with this; for example, if you only take orders through direct messages, that immediately shuts off all customers who don’t like talking to strangers. 

Quick resource that you could look through; it’s the spreadsheet of project organizing that I made a while back 

Licensing is when people pay you for the right to use your work on stuff they need to make, like textbooks or greeting cards. This is generally work you’ve already made that they are paying the right to use for a specified time or limited run of products. This is great because you’ve already done the work. I am not the expert on this. Go find someone else’s info.

“I am not physically capable of working much”/ “I need to pay the bills”

Guess who got a hand injury Sept 2020 that messed me up that entire month! I had a couple jobs going at the time that I was terrified of losing, but they were quite understanding when I told them I needed to heal. So:  Express your needs as early as you know you need them. Also do lots of stretches and rest your hands whenever you feel anything off; this will save your health later. Like, the potential of a couple months of no income was preferable over losing use of my hands for the rest of my life.

This continues to apply if you have any other life situation. Ask for extra time. Ask for clarification. If you tell people ahead of time, folks are often quite understanding. Know how much you are capable of working and do your best not to overdo it. (I am.. bad at this)

Do what MAKES SENSE for your situation. If doing art currently earns you less money than organizing spreadsheets, then do that for now, and whenever you have the energy, break down some of the tips above into actionable tiny chunks, and slowly work at em. 

The original ask I got in 2019 mentioned ‘knowing you’re not good enough yet’. Most artists experience imposter syndrome & self-doubt—the important thing is to do your best, and if anything, attempt to channel the confidence of a mediocre white man. If he can apply to this job/charge hella money for Not Much, then so can you! 

Check out this Art Director tumblr for more advice!

Danichuatico’s Literary Agent guide

Kikidoodle’s Shop Shipping Tutorial

Best of luck!

–

Once again disclaimer this post is just the ramblings of a man procrastinating on other things that need to be done. I’ve Long Posted my own post so that it turns into mush in my brain if I try to read it, but I wrote this so I should know this content. If you got down here, congrats. Here’s a shrimp drawing.

Yee Ha. 

My reference post tag My tip jar

[kryptored]

Secure and in place

To celebrate @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers reaching 250 followers, here's a lil' sumn-sumn to commemorate that. And out of the 50 prompts that we had to choose from, I went with number 36: "Helping brush their hair after a shower."

Also, if you've read "Fall" from the LBSC Valentine's Day Exchange event, this fic can be considered some sort of sequel to it. Or not. It can stand on its own, too. And if you haven't, you're more than welcome to check it out :) .

AO3

The bathroom door opens, and out walks Marinette wearing an old beige coloured shirt and white pyjama shorts, her feet warm inside her pastel pink home slippers. Her arms are both raised up, holding and rubbing a towel against her wet hair. Feeling the strain on her arms, she tilts her head down a little, drying her hair as she starts walking towards her card-making room. As she nears the desk where her latest clients’ cards sit, she makes sure to keep her hair from dripping onto the wedding invitation cards by setting a fair distance between her and the desk.

The deadline for the cards and meeting back with the client is in three days, yet Marinette feels proud of herself for finishing it early. Still, she feels as if something was missing. For that reason, she tosses her hair behind her - uncaring of the wet spot it will form on her shirt - and hangs her damp towel on her chair. She puts both of her hands on the desk, leaning on its weight as she regards the cards in front of her. The lettering, the colour palette of white, créme, and lavender, and even the small details of flowers on the borders look just right. Well, it looked almost right. She just wasn’t sure what else to do. Should she use envelopes? A wax seal? Twine? The couple who ordered the cards were more than willing to pay extra, but she also didn’t want to spend more on something that might not work. As her arm reaches from corner to corner and leaning further down onto her desk, Marinette misses Luka entering the room.

In his hands, he carries an open notebook filled with what seemed to be another song he is working on for the band. He stops by the doorway when he looks up from the page, the question on his mind left unsaid. He smiles when he notices that she’s wearing one of his old shirts, big enough to hide almost all of her shorts. He also sees her wet towel hanging on the back of her chair, as well as the wet spot forming on the back of the shirt, and shakes his head. He quietly places his notebook on top of a box beside him and walks towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

He hears her gasp in surprise, her still cold hands touching his arms to steady herself, before realizing who is behind her. She turns her head around with a wide smile on her face.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey, yourself.” He drops a kiss on her nose and sees the cards she has been working on for weeks. “Those look great. Does that mean you’re finally done with them?”

“Mm… kind of. I feel like it’s still missing something — just one last thing.”

“I see. Well, I do hope you haven’t forgotten how wet your hair still is.”

“I was in the middle of drying it.”

“Uhuh… Of course you were." He lets go of her, puts his hands on her shoulders, and pushes her down onto the chair. “How about you stay there and see what else you can do with the cards, and I’ll get your brush and hair dryer.”

“Aw… thanks.”

“Do you also want me to tie it up?” He asks her as he walks out backwards.

“Hm… yeah, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind. I’ll be right back.”

As he walks out of the room, Marinette turns back around to the cards. She hums as her fingers play with stray strands of her wet hair, her other hand cautiously touching the edge of each card, as if it would give her the answer to her problem. Her eyes wander around her desk and the shelves containing all her supplies, hoping to see something that will help her. It’s when she’s going from drawer to drawer that she hears Luka’s footsteps coming closer.

“You’re supposed to use heat protectant before using a hair dryer, right?” He asks her, his hand showing her the spray bottle he was referring to.

“Mhm.”

“Okay, good. Let me just put some of the stuff on something.”

From the corner of her eye, she sees Luka walk over and move one of the chairs from the corner closer to him, using it as a small table. He gently nudges her to lean forward to grab her towel, and proceeds to dry her hair with it as much as possible. When he’s satisfied with the lack of dripping, he reaches for a wide-tooth comb to help him remove some of the knots from her hair. He makes sure to slowly and carefully untangle strands of her hair, occasionally using his deft fingers in place of the comb.

After smoothing down her hair, he uncaps the bottle and whispers to Marinette, “Close your eyes for me, love.”

 She does as she’s told, and Luka starts spraying the heat protectant all over her hair. It takes him a few seconds before Marinette hears him put the cap back on the bottle, and set it back onto the chair.

“You’re good now, sweets. I’m just going to plug the hair dryer, so keep an eye out on your cards.”

“Okay.”

She puts paperweights onto the stacks of cards, making sure that nothing is folded or crumpled in the process. For extra measure, she also pushes them off of her, and sits up straighter when she feels Luka return to his place behind her.

“I’m turning it on now.” He warns her, before he switches the device on and a strong blast of warm air blows past the side of her face. “Let me know if I’m hurting you, okay?” He tells her in a louder voice, adjusting the strength of the air from high to medium heat and speed.

“I will!”

Marinette feels the heat of the hair dryer blowing at her hair — the back, before travelling up to the crown of her head. She closes her eyes again, only this time, to prevent any stray baby hairs poking at her. She feels Luka’s fingers carefully combing through her hair, lifting some of the strands to let the heat reach her roots. His hands systematically move from one area to another, making sure to not miss a spot of wet hair. Once he sees her head full of dry hair, he turns off the hair dryer, and sets it aside. He unplugs it from the outlet, takes hold of a brush, and starts brushing her hair from the bottom to remove remaining tangles. He continues brushing from the top of her head, making sure to do it as gently as possible and not to hit her temple,.

“Tilt your head for me a little bit? Yes, like that. Okay… you still want me to tie your hair up?”

“Yes, please.”

“You have a hair tie with you?”

She shows him her right wrist that has a hair tie wrapped around it. He hooks his finger into it and takes it off of her wrist, only to wear it around his own. With his eyes back to her hair, he decides to go with something simple.

He starts by taking a small piece of her hair from her left side, brings it over, and adds it to the inside of her left side. He repeats this a few times, making sure to grab from the outside part of each section with his pointer finger, and keeping his hands above the braid to keep the hair in place. After he leaves enough length of unbraided hair, he secures it with the hair tie from Marinette.

“Hm… I think I need something else for the finishing touch.”

“What,” she chuckles, “like how I am with the wedding invitations?”

“Maybe,” he tilts his head from side to side, until an idea pops into head. “Stay right there.”

Marinette can only laugh more at Luka’s meticulousness, but continues to sit still and goes back to her own brainstorming. It takes Luka about a minute or so to come back, and when she turns around to ask him what he had in mind, something clicks into place when she sees the blue hair ribbon on his hand.

“I think I also have an idea, but I’d have to ask for your permission to let me borrow it.” She tells him, her eyes focused on the ribbon he’s holding.

“Oh?” he notices her line of sight, and it doesn’t take him long to realize what she means. “Oh. Yeah, for sure.”

He gives her a small smile and walks back to his place behind her, taking hold of her braided hair. He carefully puts the ribbon around the hair tie, tying it into a neat and tight bow without jostling his hard work. Meanwhile, Marinette reaches for the lavender silk ribbons from the left side of her desk, and cuts them down into a certain length — enough to keep the invitation cards secure and in place.

Finally done with his work, Luka clears all his materials away, before coming back and taking a seat beside her. He grabs his own pair of scissors and another roll of the silk ribbon, takes one of Marinette’s already cut pieces, and uses it as reference for cutting.

“How many are we cutting?”

“About 30 more. The wedding is a small one, so they only ordered 50.”

“Okay.”

They cut them in peace (hehe, pun), neither minding the sound of their blades cutting through silk.

Marinette starts humming an unknown song, and so does Luka. Luka starts swaying side by side, and so does Marinette.

When all fifty ribbons are cut, Marinette starts showing Luka how to tie each of them into a ribbon on each card. He is unsuccessful at first, his fingers clumsily maneuvering the silk every now and then. He tries not to let the frustration get to him, trying again and again. Marinette sees him struggling and takes hold of his hand, giving them a reassuring massage before kissing them for luck. He gives a hearty laugh and feels motivation coming back to him; he turns back to his pile of ribbons and starts doing them again, and succeeds. They silently tie their cards, one by one, before they simultaneously reach for their last one together.

“That was nice. Maybe I should start helping you with the cards more.”

“Is that you asking me to pay you as my assistant, then?”

“Are you hiring for part-time?”

“I dunno… I feel like I need you full-time.”

“For the job?”

“No.” She twists to her side and faces him, sitting much closer to the edge of her seat, and takes hold of both of his hands. “If you have the availability, I was wondering if you could stick around with me full-time?”

He mirrors her actions and entwines their fingers, the smile on his face threatening to break his cheeks.

“I think you already know the answer to that.”

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

I was in a toxic friendship

I want to preface this by saying I am so much happier right now and I am no longer friends with this person. Haven’t seen or heard from her in over a year. I also want to be clear this was a friendship I had in real life, not tumblr. I think however this story’s lessons can be applicable across the board to online friendships and even relationships with family members. Please, if you ever feel belittled by your “friends,” and you bring it up to them and they brush it aside and think you’re overreacting, it’s not a friendship. 

I was friends with this person, let’s call her Stacy, for about ten years before I realized I no longer wanted to speak to her or be her friend. I met her in the ninth grade and we bonded over Disney World and other things and I could talk to her about anything, including this huge crush I had on a twelfth grade boy. She came over to my house sometimes, though not a lot, and as high school wore on we started going to the mall together, stuff like that. I went to college in a different city and she came to visit me sometimes, and we even worked at the same theme park, though different departments. For all intents and purposes this was my best friend, though Stacey got upset when I also called my cousin my best friend, even though she spoke of her sister as her best friend.

She got a boyfriend when we were both around 21/22 or so, I think we were both juniors in college, though she took a semester off because she hated school and thought it was weird I was a double major. She told me her boyfriend was thirty and she met him at work. I thought the age gap was a little big, but I wasn’t one to judge. Later on I found out he was 36 and she told me she lied because she was worried how I would react. I met him and I thought he was nice, but when she got engaged when we were both around 23, I had only met him that one time for a birthday dinner she had, and my mom and dad told me they thought it was kind of strange. They also said it was weird to them whenever I hung out with Stacey it was only for like an hour, two at most, especially since my cousin and I could spend days and day together at sleepovers, chilling and being ourselves, interpretative dancing, lol. Privately I also found it odd I could talk to Stacey about anything, but when I asked questions about her life and her thoughts she’d barely talk. Her grandma passed away, she loved visiting my grandma because she could have one through me. One day I broke down and admitted my grandmother is a narcissist, and she is different behind closed doors. she berates me, used to call me fat, berated me. Stacey didn’t believe me. I can’t say when she started not being such a good presence in my life, but these were some seeds, and it got worse--slow at once and then all at once as they say.

Anyway, I was a bridesmaid of hers and her sister was the maid of honor--a mutual friend was another bridesmaid and there was one more (super sweet girl and I don’t even think Stacy talks with her much anymore either LMAO) and at this point in my life I was really into my first fanfic IWD. I was consumed with it, to put it bluntly. This is another story entirely but I spent so much of my college career as an English major writing for academia, and when I was finally writing something for me, I bloomed. I talked to her about it and she kind of laughed about this Cullen person but she liked to read fanfic herself so was whatever about me doing it. I shared with her my first piece of commissioned art and she laughed at Lydia thinking Lydia was just me, and I told her, no, she wasn’t, she’s based off of several old hollywood ladies and I actually made her avatar in game, but she wouldn’t believe it. I actually ended up saying “would you think this if I were white and she were white as well” and she laughed and didn’t understand. Needless to say the whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I ignored it. Her wedding happened, her sister made a good speech, then when all the groomsmen did a speech for the groom the other Bridesmaids and I thought we had to do something, so we got up there and made an impromptu speech. I called her my sister and I told her I loved her. I didn’t know it then, but I didn’t believe her when she said “love you too.”

I wanted to go back to school, and I ended up in a Masters program after the wedding. My summer semester, my first, went well, starting in June and ending in July. I finished IWD and went to another fic, Stacey making fun of Sophie, my OC for that fic too, because I just straight up made her part Hawaiian like I am. When I told her I had little representation growing up other than like Lilo and Stitch and now Moana, (which I don’t like TBH but another story lol.) she asked me what the big deal was about that. Why did it matter that no main character ever looked as I looked? I couldn’t explain to her how much writing a character who was like me in a fanfic mattered. We planned on going to Disney World, me, her, her sister, and the other bridesmaid, but don’t post anything on facebook because she didn’t want to invite the other other bridesmaid. I wanted to go to a nightclub with her for my birthday but she didn’t want to go because her sister couldn’t enter, so after my whole family, plus her and her husband ate at my favorite restaurant, she went home even after I begged her to come with my and my cousin. She said it was stupid. Also, her husband was a huge ass to wait staff. Alarm bells went off for all of us.

But I was looking forward to Disney in December that year. (2018) I didn’t have a job at the time but was actively looking. Well, I got a job after interview after interview at restaurants that wouldn’t hire me, my dream job researching Shakespeare. It fell through. (I was promised to actively help the professor research, it fell through.) She paid for the trip without me knowing and I had to pay her back 800 dollars on writing commissions which I severely underpriced. because I was worried no one would pay otherwise. School wasn’t going well. Put it simply I felt really dumb and stupid and like I didn’t belong, (we were reading Ulysses!!!) which I later learned was a common sentiment with my classmates who began the same time as I. I will admit my relationship with academia is rocky at the moment, but I genuinely do love to write, love to research, love to make discoveries about new texts. Stacey saw how stressed I was and sad and got angry I was so sad, and asked why was I in school anyway Am I going to be on my deathbed and wished I studied harder? I didn’t have the energy to tell her it wasn’t about “studying harder,” it was that I loved writing and reading and wanted to be a part of academia. Learning makes me happy, expanding my mind. She belittled me anyway, thinking getting a Masters was dumb and I wouldn’t get a good job.

At Disney World I was so happy. I hadn’t been there since I was a child. She made fun of me for wanting to meet Ariel, for wanting to ride Soaring and being afraid to check grades when a classmate said they were up. I got so stressed I cried at the Japan pavilion at Epcot and stress ate sauerbraten at the Germany pavilion (Amazing by the way, I love German food.) She basically dictated the entire trip--we went to Universal for Harry Potter World at her request and refused to ride the spider man ride with me (it was fucking fun too-girl missed out.) All she wanted to do was stand around in Harry Potter world all day, (LOL now right?) I wasn’t that big of a Potter fan anymore, even at that point, and she told me I was going to stay there anyway and like it. She dictated the entire trip and when I questioned her about it she said I wasn’t listening to to her--we were following the agenda. Our last day there we went to a “Hawaiian” restaurant and made a comment about my “Hawaiian privileges.” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that the crap we ate didn’t hold a candle to real Hawaiian luau food.

When we got back I was mentally drained and melancholic because I wondered why Stacey was so cruel to me. She always had a biting wit, but before it seemed playful. Now it was cruel, mocking. She made me feel so incredibly stupid. At this point my cousin got engaged and I cried because I wanted so badly to be in love with someone and get married. I was angry and I lashed out at people I shouldn’t have. I was later diagnosed as depressed. I felt like my life was at a standstill and matters with Stacey didn’t help. I also had a huge writing crisis--I told Stacey something I will always remember and always regret because she doesn’t deserve to know: I write the romances I want because no man wants me.  At this point, Stacy turned me into her project. She didn’t like how sad I was at Disney World, it put a bummer on her trip, and when I told her she seemed off she brushed it off. Her plan was to get me on dating apps and basically settle for anyone, even though I had used apps before and don’t like them, but when I got back on Bumble she basically patronized me and told me she was proud of me and “small steps.” On bumble, I wanted to vomit. (for the record, I am not against dating apps, I know success stories, but at that time I was not emotionally ready to date.) Also, she would teach me to drive so I could go on dates, but only in my Dad’s truck. 

I wish I could say I broke it off, that I told her not to talk to me again, but Stacey stopped talking to me first. However. the day she stopped was when I told her she was wrong and I wouldn’t listen to this anymore. What happened? I mentioned I was demisexual.  She said it wasn’t real. I said it was real to me--I don’t experience sexual attraction unless I have bonded with someone. Sure there are people I like to look at, but it’s not a sexual attraction. She asked about my crush on Tom Hiddleston, Cullen, “that robot guy” and was like yeah you’re sure demi, and lol it’s not real. It wasn’t just her words, it was the mocking indifference. 

I went off. I told her she didn’t have the right to tell me what was in my brain or how I felt. I knew who I was and who I am. I should have also told her I wasn’t her project, but I left her that day and it was the last time I saw her.

I talked to my dad that night and mentioned it to him, being demi, and you know what he told me? I think I’m the same way. I think I almost cried. 

I tried to talk to her again but she didn’t want to see me. She had “personal issues and was busy” I pissed her off. Good, I say now. But after this happened in March of 2019 I thought I had no friends. She was my only friend, and I lost another mutual friend (one we went to Disney with) because she knew Stacey longer than she knew me. But you know what happened in April? My cousin asked me to be her maid of honor and I fucking wept, because there was my best friend--my sister all along. Just because she lives in another city and we are growing up and it took me longer to figure out my career than her doesn’t change the fact that we have a bond that can’t be broken. My cousin is one of my favorite people and if you know her you love her--it is impossible not to. And when I told her about my fanfic and about being demi she wanted to know, wanted to listen. School got better too--I started chatting in class more and come to find out, one of my classmates also broke up with a toxic friend. God I love her and I miss her--wish I could see her. (thanks COVID) 

There was more, but this was a lot, and I spent more time writing this than I thought I would. I wanted to write it because seeing a few posts float around made me remember, and I want ya’ll to know, leaving a friendship is scary. Sometimes it can be worse than leaving a lover. But it is a brave thing to do. Part of me that knew I should have left at the first racist comment (oh yeah, she called me a pineapple one day before the Disney trip, did I mention it’s a slur for Hawaiian people? If my grandma were there she would have clobbed her.) but I stayed because I didn’t think I had any other friends. Well, I did and I do, and I know now friends lift each other up, not belittle or talk behind your back. They listen to me when I talk about how important my writing and my characters are to me. 

Sometimes I still miss her--but mostly the high school her that I knew before she met her husband. I don’t know if he changed her or this was her all along, perhaps both. I got fired from a job in November 2019 (which now I’d like to thank them because I got a better and more fulfilling job with a boss that respects me.) and when I cried outside the place, humiliated, I wanted to call her and vent like I used to. I didn’t. Now I don’t want to call her anymore or talk to her. I’d rather spend time with people who care, people who don’t kick me when I’m down. Since then I am so much stronger, in so many ways. The worst times in my life yielded the greatest lessons I have ever learned. 

If you made it this far, thank you. I did tear up a little writing this, but please know: it can be hard to walk a new path, but it is brave. You are brave. You don’t deserve to be belittled *hugs*

[ravenbrenna09]

Jij Verliest - Chapter Eight: Clips 5-7

master list

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I managed to pull off one last wtFOCK Wednesday (please ignore the fact that it’s technically Thursday)

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Woensdag 12:39

Robbe: Hey Mama. How are you feeling today?

Mama: I’m feeling better. Work has slowed down a little so that’s helped.

Robbe: I’m glad to hear that. Are you still unsure about tomorrow?

Mama: I think that it’ll be good to have dinner with Sander tomorrow. If I’m not feeling good in the morning, I’ll let you know. But I think it should be okay.

Robbe: Okay :) Zoë wanted to come with Senne. Is that alright?

Mama: Yes, Zoë texted me earlier. I’d love to have everyone there.

Robbe: Sorry, I didn’t realize she messaged you. I haven’t seen her since this morning when she asked me.

Mama: It’s okay. She told me that Senne and Sander are roommates. I can’t wait to meet Sander.

Robbe: I can’t wait for you to meet Sander. He’s meeting the guys later today. I’m going to talk to him about tomorrow then. But if you’re not feeling well tomorrow, we can push it back.

Mama: Okay, sweetheart. Thank you <3 I love you.

Robbe: I love you too, Mama.

… 

Woensdag 17:36

“Hey, Robbe!” 

It was Alicia, who was sitting on her spot behind the counter. On the other side of the counter, Sander and Britt were standing there, looking like they were about to step on a runway. As soon as the words left Alicia’s mouth, Sander was spinning toward him and pushing himself off the counter. He eagerly closed the distance to press a kiss against his lips. Even though Sander had stayed late after the stream, Robbe felt himself tipping toward Sander, gripping his shirt and unable to resist stealing another kiss.

“Are you ready to go?” Robbe asked, wrapping his arms around Sander’s waist. 

Sander let out a sigh, resting their foreheads together. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Where are you guys going?” Britt asked. 

Sander turned to her, his arms still securely wrapped around Robbe. There was a soft look on her face—one Robbe had only seen directed toward Jana, back before she found out that Jens and Jana were sneaking around behind her back—and the look made Robbe smile at her, which she returned. “We’re meeting the rest of the boys at a bar,” Sander said. 

“Oh,” Alicia said, leaning across the counter. Britt eyed her with a soft smile on her face. “Is that why you’ve been anxious all afternoon?” The front door opened, letting in a gush of warm summer breeze. “Because I swear that you’ve been jumpy all day.”

“Who’s been all jumpy?” a woman’s voice asked. Robbe pivoted, expecting to find Emilie, but instead, he found a taller woman with dusty brown hair. It was pulled back in a braid over her shoulder. As she passed Robbe and Sander, she reached out to ruffle Sander’s hair and he shoved her hand away. The action caused Sander to coil further around Robbe, which he didn’t mind at all. “Ah, I see. It’s your turn.”

“Lilly,” Sander said, practically whining. 

Lilly chuckled, her grey eyes spotting Robbe in Sander’s arms. “Oh, you must be Robbe, I’ve heard a lot about you,” Lilly said, smiling at him. He spotted Sander’s cheeks flush bright red before he buried his face against Robbe’s neck. She held out her hand and Robbe shook it. “I’m Lilly. I’m Alicia’s step-mother and I own a bar that Sander here—” She lightly shoved Sander’s shoulder and he responded by shoving her. “—frequents.” 

“What are you even doing here?” Sander asked. 

“Yeah,” Alicia spoke up, still behind the counter. “What are you doing here? I thought that we weren’t meeting for dinner until tomorrow.” 

“Actually, I’m here because of Britt,” Lilly said, making a beeline for the girl still at the counter. Britt glanced up, questionably, before turning to her. “Emilie told me what happened with your parents and that you’re in need of a job. Am I right? 

As Sander tugged on Robbe’s waist, tilting his head in the direction of the front door, Britt nodded. “Yeah,” Britt said. Alicia reached out to take her hand and Britt gripped it tightly. “I’ve been working at my father’s company, but he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t want me around right now.” 

“Well, if you wanted to apply, the bar is about to start hiring bartenders again,” Lilly said. “You’d have to work at least one late night a week, but you’re always welcome to apply.”

“Really?” Britt asked. 

“Of course,” Lilly said. “As Alicia’s girlfriend, you’re practically family.” 

All too quickly, Britt’s face twisted, looking seemingly overwhelmed. But Robbe wasn’t sure. Even though he had known Britt for years, he had never seen that look on her face. Lilly stepped forward, wrapping Britt into a bone-crushing hug, and Britt sunk into it. Without releasing Alicia’s hand, Britt hugged Lilly tightly and pulled her close. 

Alicia glanced over at the two of them and nodded to Sander. Robbe felt Sander nod against his cheek before he was dragging him out the tattoo parlor. Once they stepped outside, Sander grabbed Robbe’s hand and held onto him tightly. Robbe glanced at the parlor. “Is Britt going to be okay?”

Sander nodded. “She will be.” Robbe nodded, tugging Sander in the direction of the bar where they were meeting the rest of the Broerrrs. Sander followed him without question, keeping pace beside him and clinging tightly to his hand.  

As Robbe walked down the street, holding his hand in his own, there was the nagging question in the back of his mind. It was the question about tomorrow with his mama, Zoë, and Senne. He found himself nervous as he tried to ask the simple question. What if he had waited too long and Sander had plans? What if Sander didn’t want to meet his mama yet? Glancing at Sander, he bit down on his lip and forced the words out. “Can I ask you something?” 

Sander glanced over at him. “Anything.”

Swallowing, Robbe asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?” 

Immediately, a confused look overtook Sander’s face before it twisted into a thoughtful one. The two of them continued walking, their joined hands swinging with every step, as Sander thought about it. “Uh, I work until about 18:00, but I’m off for the rest of the night. I don’t have any plans yet,” Sander said. His eyes focused back on Robbe. “Why?”

His stomach bunched up with nerves. “Well, I know that it’s last minute but tomorrow is Thursday…” he started before trailing off. Without meaning to, he clung a little tighter to Sander’s hand, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Sander squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I’m going to dinner with my mama and I was wondering if you—” Robbe glanced up at Sander, connecting their eyes again. “—wanted to come with me?” Sander’s eyes widened. “Zoë wanted to come with and she was going to bring Senne, so he’ll be there as well.” 

“And your mama wants me to be there?” Sander asked. 

“Yes, she does,” Robbe said. Sander squeezed his hand. “She’s been worried about meeting you on a bad day because she doesn’t want to scare you away. It’s why I didn’t ask you about it until today. But it is still possible that she wakes up tomorrow or goes to work and decides that it isn’t a good day. I just really want you to meet her is all and I know that you’ll love her—even if it is a bad day.” 

“Robbe.” Sander’s voice was gentle and comforting and stopped his spinning mind in its tracks. Robbe glanced up at his worried green eyes and Sander gave his hand a squeeze. “Whether it’s tomorrow or next Thursday or the one after, I would love to meet your mama. But I only want to meet her when we are all comfortable. If she wants to wait until next week, we can wait.” He leaned towards Robbe. “We’ve got all the time in the world. I don’t want to rush it.”

Robbe smiled, tilting his head up so their lips slotted together.

It was quick and fleeting because Sander was pulling away. As Robbe stared at him, he let out a dramatic sigh and threw his head backward. “However, the same cannot be said for my father and step-mother. Both of them have been on my ass for three weeks now about meeting you.” Robbe laughed. “And they made it abundantly clear that you are invited to our family dinner on Saturday night.”

“Oh, am I?”

“Yes, you are,” Sander said. “They keep saying that I’m hiding you away from them, which is only about half true.” Robbe snorted, hiding his face into Sander’s shoulder. “So, what do you say, Mr. IJzermans? Would you like to come and meet my parents on Saturday evening?” Robbe beamed up at him as Sander added, “And Amber. But you already know Amber.”

“I’d love to,” Robbe said, squeezing his hand. “I can’t wait to meet them.” 

“I can’t wait to meet your mama,” Sander said. 

“She’s going to love you.”

Sander unlaced their fingers to wrap an arm around his shoulders. It was hot and the sun was beating down on them, but Robbe didn’t care. He leaned into Sander’s embrace without hesitation and Robbe wrapped an arm around his waist. Clinging tightly to him, Sander whispered in his ear, “They’re going to love you, too.” The thought made Robbe’s heart swell as they got closer to the bar. 

…

Woensdag 17:49

“Oh,” Sander said, a grin on his face as he recognized the place. “We’re meeting here.”

Robbe grinned over at him. “I want you to know that it wasn’t my idea.” 

It was the bar where they had all met up when Jana was in town. It was the bar where Senne and Zoë had told their friends that they were back together. It was the bar where Sander had shown up after their therapy session and where Robbe decided that he wanted to know him a little better. It was the bar where Robbe found an excuse to talk with Sander outside. 

Through the large glass windows, Robbe could see that all of his friends were there. Jens and Lucas had claimed the back table. Jens had one arm around Lucas, who was leaning against his chest. Aaron was probably telling some outrageous story, because he was moving his arms around erratically while Moyo was laughing beside him in glee. As Robbe opened the door to the bar, Sander trailing behind him, his friends looked up as the bell dinged. 

“There you are!” Jens said. As Robbe guided them over to the table, he felt Sander squeeze his hand nervously. Robbe mimicked the gesture as the distance between them and his friends closed. Jens nodded to Sander before grinning at Robbe. “We were starting to worry that you had gotten lost!” 

“And you were early today,” Robbe said. Jens shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m surprised. Especially when you and Lucas are together, you always end up being ten minutes late.” 

Dropping his hand, Sander nodded at Jens before grabbing the chair where Jens’s feet were propped up. With a confused look on his face, Jens lowered his feet and Sander pulled out the chair. Robbe grabbed the chair next to Aaron, intending to sit in it, but Sander reached out, snagging his wrist. As Robbe’s look of confusion, Sander tugged on his wrist until he practically stumbled into the chair. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes—or kiss the breath out of him—Robbe climbed into the chair. 

High-fiving Aaron, Sander climbed into the chair beside him.  

As soon as Sander was settled down in his chair, Jens wasted no time in beginning to ask questions. Crossing his arms at the edge of the table, he leaned toward him and Lucas, abandoned, leaned against his side. “So, Sander,” Jens said. Sander raised an eyebrow as he waited patiently for Jens’s first question. “What do you do for a living?”

“Oh,” Sander said, looking shocked. “Did Robbe not tell you?”

Jens shrugged and Robbe mimicked his motion. “No, I don’t think we ever talked about it,” Robbe admitted.

Sander chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m a tattoo artist.”

“Shit, really?” Lucas asked, sounding interested. 

“Yeah,” Sander said, beaming. “I’ve been working at this tattoo parlor since before I graduated from the academy.” Without even having to look at Lucas, Robbe could tell that his eyes were widening. “Once I graduated, I’ve been doing that as my main job but also accepting some commissions. Plus, I’m also a photographer.” If possible, Lucas’s eyes got wider. “Senne and Noor always joke about how I’ll be the photographer at their weddings. Same with Amber.”

Moyo chuckled. “Really? You’re that good?”

Sander shrugged and Robbe smacked him. He had seen the photos. They both knew how good a photographer Sander was. Still, he laughed as he looked at Moyo. “So they say.” Instantly, his face turned serious. “Though, I don’t know how it’ll work out with Senne… since I’m also apparently going to be the best man.” Sander nudged Robbe. “Think I can get you trained in a few years?” 

Robbe shook his head. “Probably not,” Robbe said. Sander sent him a look of disbelief. “When we were on the trail and you had me take pictures, I didn’t know what the the hell I was doing—”

“I thought they were pretty good.” 

“I still didn’t know what I was doing,” Robbe said, sending Sander a look. “Either way, you can always train Lucas—or help him, I guess.” Sander glanced over to Lucas, who had a look of bewilderment on his face for being called out. “Lucas is taking photography classes at university and I’m sure he would be happy to help out.”

“Really?” Sander asked, curious.

“Yeah,” Lucas said. He sent Robbe a look for directing the conversation toward him. “It’s just normal college classes—not like the classes at the academy or anything.” Sander chuckled. “But I’ve been trying to minor in photography. Originally, it was art but I took a photography class and fell in love. It’s been fun, though one of my professors nearly failed one of my projects.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, he said he didn’t understand what I was going for. For my final project of the semester, I had to redo it to showcase what I had learned since making it,” Lucas said. “It was stressful but I managed to pass the class. Sometimes, that’s all that matters.” 

Robbed nodded. He had been there. “I still think you deserved a better grade than the first one,” Jens said. 

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re my boyfriend. You always think that—”

As Jens and Lucas started bickering like an old married couple, Robbe turned to Sander. There was a playful smile on his face as he watched Jens and Lucas. As if sensing his gaze, Sander turned to him and smiled fondly at him. Reaching beneath the table, Robbe’s hand down Sander’s and he intertwined their hands again. Sander gripped it tightly, drawing patterns on the back of Robbe’s hand with his thumb. 

“So, anyway,” Lucas said, placing a hand over Jens’s mouth. Even with his hand there, Robbe could still make out Jens’s muffled speech as he tried to pry Lucas’s hand away. “I’m always down to talk about photography.” 

Sander laughed. “Good to know.” Using his free hand, Sander reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. As he typed in the passcode, he said, “When I’m stuck, I always tend to go out and photograph everything. Usually, seeing the world helps me with finding inspiration.” He pulled up a photo before handing the photo to Robbe. “And I actually ended up catching you guys in action one time…” he trailed off, scratching nervously behind his ear. 

Robbe turned to the photo and his eyes went wide. It was Jens. In the photo, he was in the air, in the midst of a trick. Both him and his skateboard were off the ground. Robbe’s mind knew that he was in the middle of a trick. Yet the photo itself wasn’t blurry or showed any movement. It was like Jens had frozen in midair with no one around him. 

“Wow,” Robbe said. Jens leaned over to see and promptly took the phone away from him. As soon as Jens straightened up, Lucas was looking over to see. Robbe turned to Sander, who still looked nervous. “That’s the best that Jens has ever looked in a photo. You must really be good.” 

Jens kicked him beneath the table. 

“Wow,” Lucas said. “This is amazing.”

Sander���s cheeks dusted a light shade of pink. “Thanks.”

“Of course it looks amazing,” Jens said. Robbe chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m in the photo.” 

Lucas ignored him, moving to hand the phone back to Sander. When Moyo snatched the device from his hand, Lucas let them look. “What lens did you use to take it?” 

As soon as Sander and Lucas launched into a complex conversation about camera lenses, Robbe instantly got lost. He tried to keep up, but it was difficult to do so. Once Jens leaned over to him, tapping his shoulder, all of the concentration that he managed to gather fell apart onto the floor. Robbe turned toward Jens, who whispered, “It looks like our boyfriends might spend time together taking pictures.” 

Turning to Sander, Robbe stared at him. Even though he had been nervous the entire walk over, he didn’t seem as nervous anymore. His shoulders had long since relaxed and he was talking freely to Lucas, uncaring that only he and Lucas could understand the conversation. Still, Sander held his hand beneath the table and Robbe was becoming more and more insistent to hold onto it. Robbe turned back to Jens, smiling. “I’d be okay with that. You?”

For a second, Jens tried to keep his face neutral—to act like he wasn’t one way or the other, but it didn’t last long. His smile broke through the facade quickly and he didn’t try to hide it. “Yeah, I’d like that too.”  

[bush-viper-cutie]

“Explaining It All” || YEAR 3 – Ch.36 (HP au)

                              Chapter List

<-- Last Chapter                          Next Chapter -->

Day posted: 12/22/2020

Word count: 3, 517

Relationship: EVENTUAL severus X oc (slow burn)

Rating: E for everyone

Warnings: none

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A/N: This is my first fan fic I’m writing mainly as a way to practice. This is a retelling of the hp books with an inserted character. Although most every character will be written about, this is mostly for the pro snape fandom. Please do not fear, although this is a severus x oc story, it is an incredibly slow burn as I do not intend for them to get together at all until after the final book events. Chapters will be posted twice a week.

This derivative work follows the events of the Harry Potter books by Jk Rowling and is intended as a fun way to practice my writing. Thank you for reading :D

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The shack groaned and creaked, filling the heavy silence until Lupin, who looked incredibly calm for someone who was just outed as a creature even the Ministry considered highly dangerous, chuckled awkwardly. As if Heather had simply told an embarrassing story of him.

He looked at Hermione and Heather with a small smile. “I was always worried about the two of you, though I suspected you’ve known for some time… I am a werewolf… I won’t deny that. But I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and none of us want Harry, or you, Heather, dead – I promise you that.”

Ron, who’d dragged himself to the farthest post of the bed, pulled himself up, almost feinting from the throbbing pain of his leg. He winced but did not take his eyes off Lupin.

Lupin’s eyebrows drew with concern as he took a step closer to them, mistaking the silence for calm.

“Get away from us, werewolf!” Ron shouted, instinctually reaching for his wand, which was still in Lupin’s hand. “Give them back.”

“Not yet.” He took his step back and turned to Hermione and Heather with visible effort. “How did you find out?”

“Snape’s essay,” Heather mumbled.

Lupin made a sound between a scoff and a chuckles and shook his head. “Does he know? He’ll be delighted, no doubt. He assigned it thinking everyone would realize… What gave it away?”

“Mostly you being ill around full moons,” Hermione said, holding her head high.

Lupin forced a laugh. “You’re both quite clever.”

“You’re not going to win back our trust by talking to us if that’s what you think.” Heather had set her attention back at Black, who was still intently looking at Ron over Lupin’s shoulder. There was concern in his eyes, though Heather couldn’t tell if he was worried about Ron’s injury or about the fact his uneaten meal could still hop away from him.

“We should have told everyone what you are.” Hermione shook her head. “If we were cleverer we’d have done that.”

“The staff know… though some did not agree with Dumbledore’s choices… Some apposed it more than others…”

Ron gasped. “Dumbledore knew you were a werewolf? And he still hired you?”

Lupin forced a smile again. “Not without a lot of convincing. It took a while for him to prove to most everyone I was trustworthy – ”

“But you’re not.” Harry pointed at their wands still locked in Lupin’s grip. “Give them back if you want to prove to us we can trust you… Unless you’re lying. Unless you really are working with that murderer!”

Black shut his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them again he crossed over to the four-poster – making them jump away – and sunk into the mattress sending a cloud of dust into the air. He dropped his head on his hands. Poor Ron was stuck close to him, holding the farthest post to stay upright.

Lupin stared at the wands and threw them back, even his own. “You can trust me, Harry. I have not been working with Sirius – so if I can just explain… If you will listen.”

Heather reached for the wands, handing each one back, throwing Ron his own who immediately pointed it at Sirius Black, and gripped Lupin’s tight.

“Look, I was in my office when I glanced over at the Marauder’s Map – ”

“You know how it works?” Harry narrowed his eyes.

Lupin gave a genuine laugh. “Of course. I helped write it.”

Their mouths fell open.

Lupin continued, “I was examining the map – ”

“You’re Moony.” Heather mumbled, remembering the names from the map. Moony had called Snape’s nose ‘abnormally large’.

“It was my friend’s nickname for me back in school.” Lupin waved his hand impatiently. “I was keeping an eye on you four, knowing you’d be down with Hagrid before his hippogriff’s execution. I look away for a moment, and when I returned, thinking you’d have the good sense to leave before Dumbledore and the Minister had reached you… You were standing there… with someone else – someone I couldn’t explain.”

Heather frowned. What on earth was he talking about? When they were standing – before they were running trying to chase after Ron – no one was with them. “We were alone.”

“We weren’t with anyone,” Harry confirmed.

“You were.” Lupin glanced over at Ron. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. There wasn’t any reason in the world he’d be with you. How could he be?”

“No one was with us!” Hermione pointed at Black. “Not until HE – ”

“No,” Lupin cut her off. “I saw when a small dot labeled ‘Sirius Black’ ran towards you. I watched as he pulled two of you into the Whomping Willow – ”

“He only dragged ONE of us in!” Ron said angrily, jabbing at his chest with his thumb. “Me!”

“No.” Lupin looked at Ron firmly, holding his gaze. “Two of you.”

There was more silence. Heather gripped both wands in her hand, feeling calmer about listening to Lupin descend into madness so long as he remained unarmed.

“Might I have a look at your rat?” Lupin said as evenly as a parent asking to see a very expensive crystal figure in the hands of their toddler. He held out his hand patiently.

“What’s Scabbers got to do with all this?” Ron pressed his hands to his robe pocket immediately.

“Everything – Could I see him, please?” Lupin repeated kindly.

Ron dug in his pocket and revealed his thrashing raging rat. Scabbers was trying so desperately to get away that Ron had to hold him out by his tail. “What’s a rat got to do with anything?”

“That’s not a rat.” Lupin whispered, watching it thrash around.

Ron forced a laugh. “Then what – ”

“He’s an animagus.” Black stood finally. “By the name of Peter Pettigrew,” he spit out the name like poison.

Ron turned to him wide-eyed. “You’re both mental. Harry they’re mental!”

Harry was shaking his head. “Peter’s dead. You killed Peter Pettigrew twelve years ago!”

Black’s eyes twitched and his face turned red. “No. I meant to,” he growled. “And this time little Peter won’t get the better of me! Not again!”

Black lunged at Lupin’s wand in Heather’s hand, knocking her down and pointed it at Scabbers. Heather scrambled to her feet as Lupin pushed Sirius Black back with what little strength he had left in him, holding the wand up to ensure all shots would be fired into the ceiling.

“We have to explain first!” Lupin shouted.

“Get off!” Black snarled, pushing Lupin back.

“Sirius, no! They need to understand or else – ”

“We’ll explain after! After its all finally over!”

Heather aimed her wand between the both of them. It looked like either one could pass out at any moment, neither having the strength or energy to fight the other.

“They have – a right – to know – everything!” Lupin wrestled his wand back as Black paused. “Harry, Heather, Ron, even Hermione – they are just as much involved as us. They deserve to know the truth, Sirius.”

Without taking his eyes off the rat, Black backed away. “Fine. But make it quick, Remus. I paid twelve years of time for this, I’m ready to do the crime I was sentenced for.”

“Nutters. The both of you!” Ron’s grip on Scabbers was tight but shaky. He looked at Harry, Heather, and Hermione. “I can’t take any more of this. I’m off.” He made to jump away from the post on his good leg but Lupin pointed his wand at him.

“You’re going to hear me out, all of you,” Lupin said quietly. “Please. So just keep a tight hold on Peter while you listen.”

“This isn’t Peter! HE’S SCABBERS!” Ron’s yell knocked him off balance and made him fall back onto the bed.

“We keep telling you, Peter’s dead.” Heather kept her aim locked on Sirius, who’s gaze was locked on Scabbers.

“A whole street full of people watched you kill him.” Harry inched his way between Lupin and Ron, helping Ron back up.

“They didn’t see what they thought they saw!” Black’s eyes narrowed on Scabbers, as if putting all the world’s blame on Ron’s still struggling rat.

“Everyone believed the reports. Even I believed it when it was said that Sirius Black was a supporter and that he’d savagely murdered Peter out on that street. And then I saw the map tonight – the map never lies… It showed Peter, alive… And Ron’s holding him.” Lupin encouraged Harry and Ron to look at the trembling rat, as if they’d instantly see what he was talking about.

Heather watched Harry and Ron exchange looks. And then she met Harry’s eyes. She turned to look at Hermione and then it was final. They were all in agreement: Black and Lupin had lost their minds completely and utterly. They were absolutely mental.

From what very little they knew about Scabbers, he’d been passed down from Weasley brother to Weasley brother and was as boring and ordinary as any rat. Maybe Ron was right, and Crookshanks really was a monster. Maybe this had been Crookshank’s plan all along. He’d convinced the already loony Sirius Black that Ron’s rat was the very man he hated brought back to life, and then Black had convinced Lupin. All of this was an elaborate ruse for Crookshanks to finally get rid of Scabbers once and for all. Evil little Crookshanks.

“Professor Lupin,” Hermione spoke up. “You know it can’t be true… that Scabbers is Peter Pettigrew…”

Heather rolled her eyes. Hermione thinks she can talk sense into just about anything. What they needed to do is somehow communicate a plan of escape. Great, they’re both crazy, but Lupin still has a wand and they’re stuck behind a man who can turn into a dog and claw them to death.

“Why can’t it be true?” Lupin looked to Hermione and shrugged his shoulders like a teacher eager for engagement.

“Well… people would know if Peter Pettigrew were an animagus. The ministry keeps tabs on them and wizards who can become animals. He’d have shown up on the registry, and only seven Animagi were registered this century… And Peter wasn’t one.”

Heather hadn’t thought of finding out who was a registered animagus. When Professor McGonagall had taught about them, she’d gone to the library to find out more. How it was done, how one could ensure a type of animal, what the laws were – and nothing had come up. Madam Pince made a great show of informing her how very ‘unallowed’ her snooping was. Becoming an animagus could only be done under the strict supervision of the Ministry, who would provide all ingredients and instructions.

Her eyes shifted to Black. “Was Sirius Black on the list?”

Lupin’s eyes darted to her, and he smiled again, as if already knowing the answer.

“No,” Hermione gasped.

“The Ministry never knew there were three unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts.”

“Three?” Heather breathed.

Black growled again from the corner of the room. “If you’re going to tell them the whole story, do it quickly, Remus. I’ve waited twelve years and I won’t wait much longer. I will murder him tonight, whether you’re done talking or not.”

Lupin put up his hands in an attempt to calm the situation back down. “You’re right… I’ll get on with it, but you’ll have to help me fill out gaps. I only know the beginning – ”

There was a creak behind Sirius Black. The door had swung open without anyone noticing. Heather had been too focused keeping her wand on Sirius Black, Lupin had been turned around looking at them. And she suspected Hermione, Harry, and Ron had also been keeping their eyes on Lupin and Black.

Lupin crossed the room passed Black and looked out onto the landing. “No one…” He closed the door and walked back.

Ron was shivering from fright, or maybe fright and blood loss. “This place is haunted!”

Lupin looked back at the door once more before shaking his head. “It’s not. It never was. The Shrieking Shack was… The howls the village used to hear… They were made by me.”

“What do you mean by you?” Heather checked the door once more, but it remained closed. “Do you mean they heard you howl… as a werewolf? In here?”

He nodded. “That’s a good place to start the story actually – with me becoming a werewolf. If I hadn’t been bitten, none of this would have happened…”

“Go on,” Hermione was watching keenly, as if ready to take mental notes during a lecture.

“I was a small boy when I received the bite. In those days, there was no cure, but my parents did try everything, at least once. That potion that I’ve been drinking all year, the one Professor Snape has been making me, is a very recent discovery. It makes me safe to be around. As long as I take it in the week preceding the full moon, I keep my mind when I transform… I just… curl up in my office and wait for the moon to wane again.”

He was talking about the Wolfsbane potion. Heather shuttered at the thought of being put in charge of brewing it every month. One false move or miscalculation and hundreds of students could be put at risk from an out of control werewolf. And no one would even realize it wasn’t made correctly until the potion didn’t work that month. How recent is recent enough for a Potions Master to become familiar with the undoubtful success of a potion well brewed?

“Before the Wolfsbane potion was discovered, I was turning into a full-fledged monster once a month. It seemed impossible that I would ever be able to attend Hogwarts. It’s not like other parents would want me around their children. Dumbledore, however, came up with a way to keep everyone safe from me during those times.” He sighed roughly. “The Whomping Willow was planted the year I came to Hogwarts. All of this was built for my use. The tunnel and this house included. I was smuggled out of the castle and into this place to transform far away from everyone else. And the tree would ensure everyone would keep away.”

Heather couldn’t believe it. Dumbledore put all that work to ensure Lupin could attend the school. He’d have probably had to go against the Ministry, or fight very hard to allow it, especially with the way the Ministry wanted werewolves to be taught in school, as dangerous monsters whose monstrousness was of their own make.

“I was in so much pain when I transformed, that the village could hear everything I went through. They heard my howls and screams and thought it was violent spirits that haunted the home. Dumbledore even encouraged the rumors, and to this day the villagers don’t approach it.” Lupin looked as if he wanted to laugh, but his spirit was being weighed down by a fond sadness. “Despite my transformations every month… I was the happiest I ever was. For the first time I had friends, three great friends. Sirius Black… Peter Pettigrew… And James Potter.” He looked at Heather and Harry and smiled.

“They found me out about me as fast as you and Hermione, I think. I disappeared once a month and I only had so many excuses to tell them. I was terrified they’d desert me the moment they realized what I truly was. Except they didn’t. Instead, they did something to turn my transformations every month into the best times of my life. They became Animagi.”

“My dad…” Harry stared astounded.

“Oh yes. Him and Sirius worked tirelessly to do it. Took them three years to find it all out without anyone raising an eyebrow of suspicion. And trust me, there was already plenty suspicion being cast their way. Sirius and James were the cleverest students of our year, which was lucky, because the animagus transformation could have gone horribly wrong. Peter needed a great amount of help from them. But finally, come fifth year, they were all changing into a different animal at will.”

“But how is that helpful to you?” Hermione asked.

“They kept me company as animals. They all left the castle under James’ invisibility cloak and Peter, the smallest of them, would press the knot on the Whomping Willow and they could all come join me as their animal selves.”

“Move on with it, Remus.” Black was getting impatient just staring at the rat clutched tightly in Ron’s hands.

“Well… they became quite bored of the shack eventually… We started roaming the school grounds and the village by night. Although I was still very wolfish, my mind was much clearer around them. And James and Sirius were large enough to keep a grown werewolf in check. I doubt anyone knew the grounds quite like we did. That is how we came to write the Marauder’s Map. We even signed it with our nicknames. Sirius is Padfoot, Peter is wormtail, and James was Prongs.”

“That was really foolish.” Hermione huffed. “What if you had given them the slip and gone and bitten someone?”

Heather nodded. “You ran around assuming no one else snuck out of the castle at night.”

Lupin nodded slowly, staring down at the space between them. “Incredibly foolish of us. There were near misses, at least a handful of them… We laughed about most of them afterwards… We were young, careless, thoughtless – got carried away with our own cleverness… Though I sometimes felt guilty betraying Dumbledore’s trust…”

No one spoke, allowing Lupin time to collect his thoughts or push down feelings he seemed to be having.

“No Headmaster had wanted to admit me until Dumbledore. And I betrayed his trust. He had no idea I was breaking the rules, risking people’s safety, encouraging my friends into illegal activity that the Ministry would not excuse. And all this year I’ve been battling with my guilt, knowing I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius is an animagus, but I didn’t do it. I was too cowardly to admit to him that I’d broken his trust all those years ago. He admitted me when no one else would, and he gave me a job when nowhere else will. His trust means everything to me… I convinced myself that Sirius was getting in using Dark Arts that he’d learned from you-know-who. I convinced myself that him being an animagus had nothing to do with anything all year… In a way, Snape’s been right about me all along.”

Black scoffed, bringing everyone attention to him. For the first time all night he let his attention drop from Scabbers. “Snape? What’s he got to do with it?”

“He’s working here at the school, Sirius. As a teacher.” Lupin looked back at them. “He was at school with us too. And he fought very hard to keep the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts away from me. All year he’s been telling Dumbledore that I’m not to be trusted. He has his reasons… See, Sirius played a trick on him that could have gotten him killed… A trick which involved me – “

Black made a dismissive noise. “A trick that served him right,” he sneered. “Snape was always sneaking around, trying to find out what we were doing… trying to get us expelled…”

“Snape was very interested in where I disappeared to each month,” Lupin told them. “We were in the same year, and we – er – didn’t like each other very much. He especially disliked James. Jealous of him and his Quidditch talent… anyway, Snape saw me crossing the grounds with Madam Pomphrey as she led me to the Whomping Willow. Sirius thought it’d be – er – amusing – to tell Snape all he had to do was prod the knot with a long stick.”

“Of course he tried it,” Black cut in. “If I’d’ve told him he needed to chop off his own finger and sacrifice it to the Willow, he’d have done it, especially if it meant finding out what you were up to and getting you – and more likely, he hoped us – expelled.”

Lupin nodded. “If he’d got as far as the house, he’d have met a full grown werewolf. James however, heard what Sirius had done and went after Snape. He risked his own life and pulled Snape back just in time and saved him from what might have been a very gruesome death… for the both of them. However, Snape had caught a glimpse of me at the end of that tunnel. Dumbledore forbade him from telling anyone and since then he knew what I was…”

“That’s why he doesn’t like you,” Harry said slowly, as the revelation reached him. “He thinks you were in on the joke?”

From behind Lupin’s shoulder Heather caught a glimpse of what looked like the wall pattern shifting in wrinkles. Her eyes widened as the invisibility cloak fell to the floor, and Snape stepped forward, wand pointed at the back of Lupin’s head.

“That’s right,” Snape sneered, voice cold and tight with hatred.

~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~ * ~~~

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[guigz1-coldwar]

'Questions': New chapter for "Always for the greater cause..." is out!

Chapter Summary: While Naga & Jackal are arriving in a Perseus base near the Urals Mountains for their mission in the Yamantau, Bell is awake...a feeling of confusion and doubt taking over her after her dreams...

To read it on AO3, click here!

Taglist: @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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28th February 1981, 04H32 AM MST

Kapano "Naga" Vang, Warlord turned mercenary hired by Perseus

In a car with Owethu "Jackal" Mabuza, on their way to a classified Perseus base near Oufa, USSR

Thank god that the flight with Stitch didn't last any longer, the man had started to act a bit unusual & different since the moment we confront Aldrich about the Numbers Program and what he did on that plane with that Zasha, it was proving my point that Stitch isn't someone I would like to get into trouble with, even if I'm a former warlord, that shit is different. I don't know how I & Jackal proceeded but we manage Stitch to change his mind with that Zasha and to...keep them alive for a long time, me suggesting that we could...maybe do something with them too...

It happened that we succeed and after that person was dropped at our short stop in London, the flight resumed with that scary ambiance with Stitch disappearing but just that, me & Jackal not saying any other words as his threat of killing us all were still in play and thankfully for us, the flight to reach our destination in Russia was shorter than the first one to leave the US. With that, Stitch dropped us at the airport with a car for us while he was going back to Solovetsky, the big guy asked for him.

Now, I was finding myself on the front passenger seat with Jackal on the way to reach Perseus' base near Oufa where we were going to stay until we can do that mission at that Mount Yamantau. Fuck, I didn't want to get there and Jackal forced us to do that...but things changed for me since I learned that there's something special at me waiting for us at that base...

"Still dreaming, Naga?" Jackal muffled voice broke me out of my thoughts as he always does when I want to think...freely. He was the one driving the car, arriving soon at our destination.

"What do you think? Of course," I asked & replied to him at the same time, removing my eyes at looking through my window to the front of me, seeing the road getting enlighten by the car's front lights. "How long?" I demanded.

"Two minutes," He responded, having guessed of my demand on how many times I was going to stay in that car until it was stopped on a parking space or anywhere else where the car's wheels would not turn. "Seems that you're getting impatient to get the job done," Jackal presumed.

"I'm more impatient to sleep first," I corrected him, the flight didn't help us to have a good sleep, all of that noise and Stitch's presence in the same plane as us...it wasn't helping at all. "I didn't close my eyes on that goddamn plane so that's my priority first," I added, redressing a bit my mask over my jaw with my left hand.

"You think that they will let us sleep when we will arrive?" He questioned me, his voice sounding curious at me.

"Sure...we're both tired, exhausted," I replied, telling the whole truth as a yawn came to accompany my words, hopefully slightly muffled by my green mask...

"You're tired, not me," Jackal joked at me when I yawn but karma's always a bitch as just five seconds after he said that, he directly yawned in a bigger fashion than the one I did before.

"Karma is a bitch," I scoffed at him like he did, making a friendly nudge at his right shoulder while he was turning the car left on a road that was leading to our destination but when he was finished and after I did that, he looked at me with his eyes through his red mask.

"Don't do that again," He ordered, impossible to know if he was joking with me...or not...couldn't tell but it was sure that I shouldn't have done this, friendly Jackal wasn't something common since the last day. "Here, our destination," He pointed in front of the car with his hand as I could finally see the lights of the base that were visible, a smile going on behind my mask at seeing them.

"Fucking finally," I mumbled, my head looking up as my thoughts were going on laying down on a bed...with Sonya at my side if they were here.

I didn't say any words along with Jackal when we passed the main entrance of the base that was more a military airfield with all the watchtowers, hangars, planes, all of what an airfield should have...an airfield without a plane isn't an airfield. My eyes behind my sunglasses went wide when I saw Sonya coming out of one of the main buildings of the base as we got near it, Jackal driving the car to reach a free parking place for the car.

The first thing I wanted to do was to get out first and take Sonya in my arms but...the problem is that our relationship...isn't public and that doing this, it could get us both killed...by none other than Stitch so instead, I simply go out of the car first nonetheless and move to open up the car trunk to take our respective bags inside while Sonya was coming near us, me trying to not speak up and act 'weird' to the others...for the moment...

Sonya was looking very pretty, the best person I have met in years and even if they were Stitch's relative, I couldn't avoid loving them even with my status as a former warlord and now mercenary. They maybe did lose their right eye years ago but even with that, there were still very charming, becoming one of my main reasons to work with the Perseus Collective: only to love them and protect them...money ain't nothing to do with it.

"I never thought that you two will arrive in time, to be honest," Sonya was the very first to spoke up as my hands were opening the trunk of the car, Jackal only getting out now of the car.

"We can thanks Perseus Airlines for that," I joked, moving my hands to grab my bag, letting Jackal's one at its place. "It was...boring," I added.

"With what Stitch did and how's behaving, that influenced on the flight very hard," Jackal joined me in, getting next to me to take his bag, making me move my hands above the trunk to close it once he was done.

"How's that?" Sonya asked, raising an eyebrow to us.

"Work," I muttered, closing down the trunk as Jackal take his big bag in his hands.

"He took an eye of a prisoner and threatened us...and them to get killed if we cross him," Jackal explained, giving without any hesitation what happened in that plane. "Hard to explain in its fullness but what I said should get you an idea to..." He stopped himself to yawn again through his mask, even having the reflex of putting his hand in front of his mouth. "Well, of what's Stitch doing," He resumed after that.

"Always been him," Sonya sighed at this remark, knowing their brother well as they looked around them. "Well, I suppose by looking at you two and hearing your loud yawns, a bed is the only thing you want to see for the moment?" They guessed right, me & Jackal nodding to them about that. "I knew it..." They sighed again. "We'll prepare your mission tomorrow and besides, everything's not ready," They added.

"Yes," I silently muttered through my mask, having the best feeling for the day...

"Jackal, you know the way around," Sonya gestured at Jackal with their hands behind them at the building's entrance. "Naga, follow me, we need to talk about some details," They said to me, this time, gesturing with their fingers to follow them.

Jackal was the first one to leave us and soon after that, I started following Sonya too in the same direction that he took to join the building & enter it who was very silent since it was 4:36 in the morning, only seeing a few people still awake at that time and it was mostly armed guards and a few people working at some desks as I was walking with Sonya through the hallways and stairs before we arrived at the first floor of the building in front of a door that I suppose to be Sonya's office...or their bedroom.

When they opened the door in front of me, it was, in fact, their bedroom in here with just casual furniture, some clothes gathered around on a chair and the bed...was looking great...a bit large for only one person but I think that since Sonya learned I was coming in...maybe they took some measures to greet me well...

"That's good looking, Sonya," I exclaimed as I step inside the room with my bag in my left hand, them already moving in front of the bed.

"What about? The room...or me?" They asked, smiling at me while I was closing the door, my eyes unable to remove themselves from them. "Guess it's about me, right?" They suggested and what I did was to greatly nod to them.

"Of course...the bed looks nice though," I scoffed, dropping my bag on the ground to join them and facing them as they were removing their jacket off them.

"Oh, shut up, Kapano," They said to me, using their lovely rude tone after they got their jacket off, throwing it on the ground and revealing a white shirt before they got their index finger on my mask. "Sshhh...don't talk," They demanded, knowing that I was going to say something before they start to remove my mask off my jaw, and then, my sunglasses that they keep in their hands before putting them softly on the ground along with their jacket.

"Sonya, I..." I wanted to say, my voice all low until I decided that words weren't useful here, so instead, I preferred to lean in to pull them for a kiss, my hands moving behind their back to caress it with them. It's been a long time that I didn't feel their lips on mine and really, I did miss it a lot...feeling them again...that was the best thing in days...along with getting my ass inside an American high-protected base...

Slowly, the kiss was getting deeper and more passionate as Sonya's hands got behind my neck, mine going down to lift them and hold them softly, their legs wrapped around my back so lovely before I decided to put them well on the bed, finding myself on top of them, continuing to kiss them with the best I could before we took air...

"I missed you, Kapano," Sonya whispered, looking at me in the eyes while I was seeing their left green eye and their black eye patch, their left hand on my cheeks.

"Me too, Sonya," I told them, passing my right hand through their hair.

"Should we...doing it? They demanded, blushing at saying it while their right hand moved over the zip of my vest.

"I've been...it's been a long time, so...yes, we should," I responded to them, spending a night with them was something I missed for a long time, and honestly right now, I just wanted to be with them and only them and we then resumed the kiss, their legs still around me as our hands were running through our bodies, teasing each other...

Tonight...it's going to be a lovely and amazing night...

------------------------------------

28th February 1981, 07H52 AM PDT

Yirina 'Bell' Grigoriev, Ex-KGB, Perseus

In a car near the Perseus safehouse "Hidden Angel", Los Angeles, USA

This dream...I don't know why I got it and how but it was somehow feeling real to me, as if it was something of my past but...why in it, I was called out as 'Jess'...was it some part of an infiltration mission? It can't...it's...I think that I shouldn't bother with that but...no, that's very strange for me to live something like that, I may be thinking that I should know more...and that's the first thought I got when my eyes awake...

To my surprise, the light of the sun was the first thing I saw when my eyes opened, first blinding me a little and making me move my left hand to cover my eyes before they were enough good and well awaken to remove my hands...before finding in the horizon, the landscape of a big city...Los Angeles, I could somehow recognize the city, seeing from afar the big white "HOLLYWOOD" on a hill that was at my suggestion, one kilometer from the location we were...how did we get here so fast?

I turned my head around to see that I was the only one in the car before I looked behind me at my right, seeing the car's trunk opened and then, Bellamy & Knight that was taking out the things we put in it and my mind was still thinking of that dream of the night when I gathered up what I got in me to get out of the car, adding to this, a yawn coming out of my mouth...

"Well, well, well, our Bell is finally up for good," That's Bellamy's voice that I heard first when my feet hit the ground out of the car, hearing him behind the car.

"Bellamy?" I demanded.

"Who do you think it was? Knight?" He scoffed, his head peeking to look at me and moving a bit away from the trunk to see me entirely.

"I heard that," Knight suddenly appear with a sigh to Bellamy, coming out of a door from a little abandoned building that was sort of hidden by some trees, still wearing the same clothes as last day except for the jacket, Bellamy with the same thing. "Hi, Bell, good sleep?" He asked me.

"Uhm...I can say yes but..." I started to reply, looking around to see the landscape of Los Angeles. "How did we get here so fast?" I questioned the two, pointing out behind me after I turned around again to see the two.

"Let's just say that Wraith insisted on keeping her hands on the wheels," Bellamy responded, getting out of sight from me to grab something in the trunk. "We only make a stop to Las Vegas during the night and that was it," He added, his voice a bit low as he was sounding to struggle to get something out. "You slept the whole drive, Bell,"

"The whole drive?" I repeated, my eyes wide at hearing this...did I do this?

"Yeap," Knight replied, having in his hands a box that he took out of the car. "We tried to wake you up when you start to sleep after Denver but you weren't waking up so we let you sleep...even if you miss dinner," He continued as he gestures to me to follow him inside the building.

"So, I slept during...more than...half of a day..." I whispered to myself, looking away from Knight for the moment to not make him hear me. "That's our place to hide for the moment?" I asked him as we were approaching the door I saw him first.

"Yes, codename 'Hidden Angel'" Knight responded, stopping in his moves to let me go first inside and I complied, getting myself in the building and discover that it was almost looking like the one we use in Colorado...in a bad shape, the building looking very old and could have a better clean up. "It's thanks to Bellamy's sister, Liliya that we could have this place quickly,"

"It was pretty rushed, it seems," I suggested as my eyes went on a desk that was having a lot of dust on it...yeah, a big cleaning could be useful in here...

"She had to call agents from San Francisco to prepare this place for us before we arrive but yeah, that was rushed," He said, giving his opinion about the place before he put down the box he was holding on the same desk that my eyes saw seconds ago. "You should go see Wraith, she's at the dashboard," He advised after he dropped his box, pointing in a direction where the sun's light was enlightening well in the middle of that big room. Freya was there, filling up a middle-sized dashboard with important things, having along removed her leather jacket, her back turned at us.

"Of course but..." I tried to say to Knight but I was surprised when I turned my head to him, realizing that he already left the building to probably get the other things out of the car, leaving me alone to go talk to Freya. "Damn it," I sighed at this, thinking at first to stay near that dusty desk until I decide to actually go see Freya, taking some deep breaths before moving away from it to approach her. "Uhm...Freya?" I spoke up, my hands joined together like a shy girl.

"Oh, hey, Bell," She was sounding good to hear my voice, turning around to look at me. "You should remove your jacket, we're in California now and we don't want you to die from the heat," She proposed to me, her eyes looking up at the leather jacket I was wearing.

"Yeah, sure," I complied in a low voice, taking out my jacket off me and making sure, of course, to not hurt myself with my right shoulder with that pain that was less present but still here. I then got my jacket in hand and put it on the nearest desk of me. "So, that's our place we're hiding?" I decided to ask the same question to her, knowing that she could know more details about it.

"Yes, with that rogue cell in Los Angeles that knows every hideout in here, we had to improvise," Freya replied, taking a look around the room and seeing that it wasn't looking better than the last safehouse we were. "It isn't the best but at least, we have the comfort...sort of," She scoffed, her hands moving on the desk to grab some pictures on it and put them on the dashboard. "You're alright, Bell?" She asked, having taken a quick look at me when she grabbed her things.

"All good," I instantly told her with a smile but she then narrows her eyes at me, turning around to face me.

"Are you sure of it?" She insisted in a serious voice, sounding like she was knowing wasn't right in me.

"I'm sure of it," I repeated that I was well...deciding to lie about that dream as I didn't want the others to see me as crazy as it happened on that plane when we arrived first in the US. "Why're you asking? My right shoulder is still in pain but less, I'm just alright," I clarified, moving my left hand on my right elbow to scratch it a bit.

"You know that if you got something to say, you can tell it," She reminded me with a forming smile on her face before she slightly moves away from the dashboard to take a better look at it. "Aldrich is actually in town to give us intels about that rogue cell, what you're seeing is just our global operation on Greenlight," She explained, her hands around her waist before her left one pointed to me, a desk that was near the one next to the dashboard...looking far better than the dusty one. "That's your desk and looking at it, seems that you will have a job to do," She exclaimed with a smile, me shaking my head a bit.

"Seems okay for me," I said with enthusiasm. "I should get working and..." I was then interrupted by the sound of my chest growling.

"You didn't eat since last day," Freya affirmed to me as I got my left hand over my chest. "I'll prepare you a coffee and something to eat, it should get you better," She proposed, making a little tap over my left shoulder before she start to leave in a direction, prompting me to get at this desk she pointed to me, seeing on it the numerous boxes filled up with files.

"A job to do...A job to do," I mumbled, sounding a bit annoyed as there were literally three boxes on it...at least, it was going to get me busy for some time. I then sit in my chair before I start to rethink of that dream I did in my head, going blank stare for me at looking at those boxes...

Why do I was called Jess in it?

------------------------------

MEMORANDUM FOR: Bellamy, Knight

FROM: Wraith

SUBJECT: Bell

DATE: February 28th, 1981

I know well that I don't have to get you a clear reminder about Bell's situation but I'll be short on some details about what & how we will proceed while we're on the West Coast for at least 4-5 days at maximum: continue to rig her food & drinks as usual but I suggest that while Stitch is away, to lower the dosages (It's primordial!). She'll stay in here no matter what, only going out when I will order it, for work until we're clear with that threat of that rogue cell. Stay of course friendly with her and don't try to put yourself in trouble with her, just telling in case. I hope that you will both understand that we can't lose her on any occasion.

PS: Did you two has found the Numbers Program file Bell & Naga got from the Cheyenne Mountain Complex? I can't find it even if we took everything from 'Wolf's Den', I need it for a better look!

Cordially

Wraith

[rwmhunt]

Leviticus, Chapter 23

1. Substitute day, and a return unto A sender of something, as to another place, That hasn't the wherewithal to get there either; I will open it again and learn That which is already known to be such As isn't so much.

2. And it's not mine, but a, And is the right way round. For as I set the seasons, I reprise, reply, replay; It's substitution day.

3. And Sabbath is the seventh, Whence the lord, in all thy dwellings, Is up for doing nothing; Or Sabbath is the sixth; I don't care.

4. And welcome to my channel, It's great to have each of you still with me- A man who speaks of people By their purpose, Himself as his own singer, With- such are the seasons, Even, holy convocations, For want to be sure of a constant, It's Senhal, An obscure term For an old friend.

5. Love, love, lo, this is not Of a cloven love, Leviticus, I will speak of it Unto sundry strangers and neighbours, As just one more month's dusk Then it'll be passover, Not once. Not twice, Not once. Love. So we can still imagine a time When all of this will go again;

6. But a day will approach When, if there is something That can look back, Could think that 'here' and 'then' Are really very close;- And I wonder if they saw The strings of direct attachment, Lining their behaviours; Just flour and water, But I don't think so; Still, anytime was closer to history than this one, So what do I know?

7. If I were to put the onus On to the impossible, Then what was light-hearted and playful, Would be wont to become ridden and surly; Lord, being an influencer is a serious endeavour, For how many unsuccessful oblations are there That are out there? Lo, state your appreciation; Don’t just wing it. Plan it out in kalends, Of which are reckon'd to be backwards; so, To start, do nothing.

8. After a week, Let's go- Gift your influencers' grift, For, when you so do this, It strokes the ego of the flames, Who then add unto the savour of sacrifice, Thus, get me it up; Make it smolder, Then, use its fatal nature To activate the future.

9. And simple: These are nacks, To muster control Over gods; Are junk and have been; That we all have interest vested- Let ignorance of it control Hereafter, same, so anon and amen.

10. Crowdsplain- First fruit the priest Hard and long, Find the tunnels, Writing what's impossible For the brain to conceive, That it may then be read back of, To supplant and supersede; So become possible.

11. And thither, the Wheatchief Will wave the sheaf Tomorrow- See how it goes? Ol' Cathode Ray, and Non-mathmatical aesthetic identities, The spirit of the radio take her.

12. That once the sheaf And all the while Be specific unto thy niche- Nativize unto thy platform, For, the experience shall follow The rhyzome's swerve and function, So that the user-expectation be wrought From whence the contents be placed- In this case, Add in a lamb shank ponzi scheme to my platform; Smells wonderful.

13. So unto the titular character, Exerting such low level leverage as Begetteth me of an ephah cake, And a quarter hin of wine; I don't need the free stuff, I am a successful influencer, But shouldst you want me to advertise for suckers On my platform that I have built myself for free; Well, we're all getting along so good.

14. Then it's me first, And simple: see- That our boldest endeavours, And most exciting adventures- They have not yet even begun; That, in spite of all the detritus, In the teeth of all that we've done, my boys, I tell you: The best Is yet To come.

15. Then, 49 days later, Seek whence Thought might come in sequence, And I'm really so blessed and thankful to you all for being here; So, as thought comes  in sequence And thus, it wasn't known where We are going here as we begun. O tensions, retensions- I use to used to run.

16.  Know, influencers, I am the hype; So on-brand that I can give unto you, And through you, the trick- Pyramid that still stands For the thousands- Round it up; So nice.

17. And, super relevant- Optimize continuously, also, Compensate me handsomely; while Sacrifice may seem like a quick-success marketing strategy, It isn’t so. Such are the things that keep not happening; More food please.

18. Lots more, This is why the burden of proof for rhetorical claim Shall falleth shortly As among the Open Wounde who should maketh of such a claim; It is not upon the world to provide him a fallacy, But he, who's to prove the world its truth; which, Across all channels, He, rerewise, hath been completely unable to do.

19. So suffer him his own precarity; And then some; Think back to when, Twirrup twipip,-pwiwip, Suwee, psu, swoo swsoo, So sweepeth they in song, As we, quiet, Through our blossom comedown, That hideth our tiny singers, And the bulgence behind the wiltage, In the verges, Be of burgeoning seed.

20. And everyone wave; All this- so good as is it to be; And though under a hail Of black tormentors, Our torment, And through its over-drone, With no one remembering it happening, But, who'll remember the photograph?

21. Sit back; You've lost everything, So lo, olah, you remember how mother died- Bringing cow parsley into the tent of meaning; For she went by the umbels as we'd walked on the plain, And they had reminded her of those lace cushions That her ladies-in-waiting had carried, And so gave them the name.

22. Embassadors, Leave thy corners to disillusion; A true influencer ideally keeps doing What they genuinely gain of a passion for. They know their value and their need is not to shew it, So spend a lot of time reading news and sharing opinions with others online. By buying-up dozens of potential plots, They help to plot the exodus to less, And stake an astronaut over the shape of a woman. But politics isn’t about the weird worship of one dude, So his words became their actions.

23.  Is it worth your time To try and ignore that, if, What you are listening to Is  the most effective form of advertising- A babbling of a technique That hath impostulated language, Then, should things go well, We may even be able to rend a cross-paracleation With phantom trust-collaborators, Interested in guest-posting for backlinks and exposure, Thus, marrying into micro-influencers, And so tap into our y.

24. But be consistent: For my favourite casts come out the same- Here, crowdplain how a seventh month is a Sound the trumpet month; See how it goes? Lo, but half of me struggles with the whimsy Of the other side that's yet so entranced; No, I'm not sure why, it's just the way I feel.

25. Down tools, more please. Gnaw your own head off. All things positivity- and It is always negotiation; Not: You bring it to the tabernacle, I sing- There is no shortness of spirit In opinion To be cut down. Equal positives, so unto Those things that keep not happening.

26. There are voices you hear of, As quoted as begetters of insightful opinion, Who art themselves never made extant, Being only reported hereto as sources, And lo, that they are the influencers. And I'm super curious as to know what you guys think; Please be sure to leave your comments amid the margins.

27. Thence, afflict thy souls, For, tis atonement day- We're ten into the seventh, And the snap's back when I was An offensive lineman, And the pass sent over- The big lie, long, long to the long deceiver, Ah, burnt offerings- How original, Best look unto the analytics, And if they give you not access there unto , Verily, you are going to have to fight, Fight as peaceful as Sheol, Down, deep down and dirty- I'm not going to call it off.

28. Down tools; Atone to the dial tone, No one calls; Let Ladder Capital Createth of the sponsored post- Like many on the medium, To use an ode- I used to play the role; To laugh and laugh; Laugh til I despised all there was to laugh at, And then I stopped, And in the silence, saw what I had done.

29. But laughing is not so bad.

We've been a good wee band. Yes we have. No one is coming after us. And if you're alright, mack, You'll get cut off.

30. So workers got destroyed That day, And Aaron was frustrated, And livid. Reach round; Feel thy spine. The way people stop you From being helpful When you are helpful, So that you cannot be helpful, So that they can cut you From your people.

31. Tardiness in perpetuity, Aye, today, it is Yplangenday- Well, I'll have to put myself Through some more adamantine Paces than god allows, else I'll never get enough done.

32. And be bold, For, you'll need to deracinate; Chancers are toxic vocations Within the tent of meaning; It's content; it's all content- Divide and game, so- Focus and grow. I mean to make sure That you are a consistent- Start of the ninth evening , End of the next.

33. God doesn't eat though, That I can see- For all that we give him, God doesn't eat.

34. Crowd, 15/7, and tabernacle feast week; Still his words became their actions, Shrill, until the doctrine of laches, When the searched-after Faithless elector went libertarian, Like many on the medium, Clade unto such bolled and novel obstacles What stretched where chance was slim, And slim was still in quarantine.

35. To start again, down tools, For, lo, if you want to be in a prison camp, You needst allow yourself the luxury Of being stupid enough to get captured.

36. Sacrifice? Spluttereth the LORD: But I'm fed up with so much burnt rubbish, I wish for forced fresh rhubarb, So shunt and jive; I've Optimized, and optimize continuously.

37. Drinks break; take life indicting, Gratify all at a local craven hire scheme, Go abroad singing, so merrylike, To slough off the whole As one enormous rhyzome. Deus Hic! God is drunk! I heard that, Brian Leg-Coverall.

38. O well done Jehus, And good to be with you, Yes you, Who are good in a crisis; A reminder- I'm working with mischief.

39. Wait, rest again, To live is to live through An embarrassment of times, Damarkated as meaningful riches, That will not be well remembered. Really, I am so blessed.

40. But try to ask of a question; So that thy congregation Might make communion in answer, See how it goes? Say, But why, isn't it A bit like palm sunday? The stream changeth its name As it passeth through each neighbourhood. I knew it as; Well it doesn't matter- You're not reposting, nor liking my banal repartee, So, unfollow.

41. And it goes; for I have giv'n unto them a scapegoat, But they cast it not out; So shall there be a reaving that will follow, and Themselves, they shall be cut off from.

42. Then all ye home-born booth dwellers In dwelling booths, Shall dwell in booths seven days and know That you are living in the rhyzome..

43. And everyone will know that I made you do this- The old booth dwellers, needing my rescue out of Egypt, So weakened,  the Open Wounde stayeth open; And remember to tell us what you think, Way down, deep down, down in the margins.

44. And Mose went about with the crowdsplaining Old loud-haler; A simple fellow out of storybook glen, From the tent of meaning, From the twilight men, He ran and told- And the thing is, They were too clever To not know what they were doing- So the target becomes bios; Is the common psychle, The answer- How would you like it? Is - 'I didn't'. And that therein has a hold and salience, As before tends to be the best time to regret- It is a kind of nonsense. I'm so merry

I'm so merry and sad.

[hoseokmylovesworld]

Picture of Love | 14 (M)

Pairing: Photographer!Hoseok x OC x Producer!Yoongi

Genre/Warnings: Hoseok AU/Yoongi AU/Includes strong language, anxiety attacks, violence, mentions of death, fluff, smut, dirty talk, rough sex, deep throating, choking, oral and vaginal sex.

Words: 9,464

Summary: Charlotte Galloway is the leader of the up and coming girl band, “She-Bang”, with a side hustle as a photographer for anyone who will hire her.  She meets a fellow professional photographer named Jung Hoseok who helps “She-Bang” realize their dreams and Charlotte to make a love connection along the way.

A/N: This is the longest one yet, but please read to the end, it’s a doosey

“Leyah this is serious, come on.” I chide, yanking her back from flicking the blinds with her fingers in the empty apartment. After browsing the internet and newspaper idly for more adequate living situations for the last few weeks, the girls and I finally decided to actually take a look at some of them.

“I was just checking if the blinds were up to par...they’re not.” She flicks them again and they shake wildly, proving her accusation.

“We can always replace the blinds Leyah, what do you think about this place?”

“I think it’s way too small.” she responded curtly, looking up and around in an unsatisfactory way.

I sigh in defeat. “It’s one of the only ones we can afford so it’s gotta count as a definite maybe right now.” Leyah just hums and rolls her eyes.

The apartment we were viewing was much like the others we looked at this week. Two bedrooms, a small kitchen and a small living area. Everything was just small and as much a we needed a space to accommodate all of us and our belongings, we all made the same living and it just wasn’t enough.

“Well, maybe if you asked your loaded boyfriend nicely, he might pitch in.” Leyah muttered with her hand against her cheek as if she were telling me a secret. I slap her arm quickly.

“That’s not funny, Leyah. I wouldn’t ask him to do that, we’re not even like...together, together yet.” Leyah whips her head around to face me with a shocked expression.

“Are you serious? You guys haven’t talked about making it official yet? It’s been like...over two months.” Leyah’s eyes went out of focus as she did the math in her head.

“No, we talked about it.” I share as she follows me to check out the master bedroom once again. “He didn’t really understand why I didn’t want to be called his ‘girlfriend’, it sounds really selfish now that I’m telling this to someone else, but he understood. Like he does everything. We agreed to just be together without any actual labels. It’s like our own little ‘official’.” I shrugged, thinking back to that awkward conversation.

My breakdown in his kitchen, prompted many questions about our relationship from Hoseok that I couldn’t ignore. After going into detail about my strong aversion to the word girlfriend and relationships altogether before I met him, he decided he was content with simply being mine and vice versa.

“Wow, you are officially the luckiest girl alive.” She drawled, looking quite impressed with Hoseok herself. “Thank you, but I’m aware.” I smiled to myself and we moved onto the next apartment on the list.

After hopping all over town from Ocean Avenue to Daly City looking for apartments, Leyah and I crash as soon as we enter the apartment around 7:30 PM. I plop down onto my bed, lazily removing clothing items from where I lay and drifting to sleep easily.

“No, Char! Are you dumb or something?”

“Should you still be eating? Gimme that, you’re gonna get fat.”

“I should’ve known you wouldn’t be able to do it on your own!”

“Why do I even bother? You never do anything right!”

“God! Have you always been this dense?”

“I literally said the opposite. Fucking listen for once!”

“Gak!” I gasped as I was jolted out of my sleep by yet another nightmare. I look up at the ceiling, focusing on it’s squiggly pattern, trying to calm my heaving chest and my racing mind. The room was pitch black in most places, the only light being offered was by the moon in lines of white along the walls. I lie awake, convinced that if I attempt to go back to sleep, I’ll only be able to see his face barking at me for all of my defects and faults.

The sudden need to need to vomit that will never be relieved takes over my gut and the heaving of my chest has increased and as it was constricting tighter and tighter.

Instinctively, my hand flies to cover my mouth when the familiar sting behind my eyes begins. The last thing I want is to wake any of the girls and have them worry about me. I try and try to shake the nasty voices, but the tears keep coming and I can’t find it in myself to be silent any longer as it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

I quietly make my way to the bathroom, shut the door and climb into the tub where I hugged my knees and allowed myself to sob, but somehow still keeping the volume to a minimum.

This had to be the fourth one this week.

It would surprise no one that I am no stranger to nightmares and I that usually handled them better than most people did. That is, if you can call suppressing my own emotions and traumas handling it, then I’m your girl. But this recurring shit storm that I was experiencing was different than any of the nightmares I’ve had previously. The reason being: they were all about my past. And almost all of them were about Yoongi.

Whether the dreams were pleasant or brutal, I was always an emotional mess afterward, feeling empty from reflecting on my past. I would get them often after Yoongi left. That’s when the panic attacks started getting serious. Knowing that I was actually alone in the world with no one to call a friend or even care that I existed unleashed a lot of dark thoughts and I had to learn how to make it on my own for real this time. If I had known opening up to J-Hope was going to send me spiraling back down that dark hole, I would have shut up and ate my pancakes.

But, I can’t put the entire blame on him. He didn’t force me to say those things or revisit the past and as cheesy as it sounds, the nightmares only come when he’s not sleeping next to me. I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks or so that J-Hope is my personal dream catcher and tonight has solidified the fact that if I didn’t have him by my side as I slept, I was royally fucked.

The pounding in my ears softened and eventually slushed to a holt. The vice grip on my heart faded at a devastatingly slow pace and my breathing evened out as I counted the tiles on the shower wall. I let out a thankful sigh once the room stopped spinning and I was painfully aware of the silence in the room. I let my body fall back and I turned to lie on my side, still letting the tears fall from my eyes silently. I debated calling J-Hope during the aftermath. Hoping my personal ray of sunshine would pull me from my depressed funk as usual.

It’s gotta be at least 3 am, he won’t answer anyway.

He might, we have to try.

And say what? Hi, I’m sad. Drop everything to make me happy?

Obviously not, but he cares, he’ll want to help.

He’ll want to go back to sleep and wish we never called.

Don’t do this. We need it.

It felt like my conscience was wrestling with itself or with me, knocking against my skull in the battle causing a pesky headache. It took all of my strength to peel myself off of the floor of the tub and drag myself back to the room, to the bedside table where my phone was. It was indeed 3:36 AM and the confirmation made me place the phone back on the desk and forget the idea of calling J-Hope entirely.

We need to sleep Char. Come on. My conscience scolded me again.

I wanted to fight back at least for the sake of my pride. I made it a point not to need anyone for anything after that asshole broke my heart and here I am needing someone else to be able to sleep. I felt pathetic in plain terms. But at this point I knew I needed to try.

I take the phone and a room key, sneak into the hall and slide down the nearest wall. I glare at the screen a while longer, hurriedly dialing the number before I could change my mind. After the third ring I moved to hang up and throw away this half-baked plan, but then I heard his beautifully, groggy voice through the phone.

“Charlotte?” he rasped. I gasped slightly, not expecting him to pick up.

“Uh, yeah. Hey.” I spoke brokenly. I didn’t take into account the condition of my throat and voice sounding like I just gargled glass. I sniffle subconsciously.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” He sounds more awake now, coming to with concern.

“Yeah, I just…” I choked, not knowing what to do or say in this situation. I felt lost. My words were trapped in my throat that seemed to be closing in on itself again as I wipe more fresh tears from my face. “No.” I finally whimper.

“What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

I don’t answer as I am too overcome with emotion, my words being turned into snivels and moans. After a moment he tries to get a response again.

“Charlotte.” He calls out, making sure I’m still there.

“I’m sorry...for calling so late. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“It’s fine, just tell me what’s wrong, baby.” The pet-name sends warmth through my chest and a fractured smile to my face.

“I’m…” How does one tell another ‘I’ve just had a panic attack and I need to sleep next to you’ over the phone? I scour my brain for answers.

“Uh...are you home?” I squeak through the phone.

“Yes, I am.”

“Can I...can I come over? I’m really sorry, but I-I just need to see you.”

“Of course, Charlotte.” I close my eyes and let out a thankful sigh.

“Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.” I could hear movement on his end, probably him getting dressed to get me.

“No! You don’t have to do that. You just woke up, I don’t want you to get into an accident. I’ll just call an uber.”

“It’s ten minutes, Charlotte. I’ll be there in no time-”

“No, please, just stay, I’ll be fine on my own.” I said sternly, not willing to budge this time. He figured as much. There was a beat of silence.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.” I reply automatically.

“You know what, I’ll call it, just so I know you’re safe.” He decided.

I roll my eyes, but smile at the sentiment. “Fine, Jay.”

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I tiptoed back into the hotel room, to change into something more decent, but ready to sleep in and grab my necessities to head down to the lobby. A good amount of my clothes were already at J-Hope’s apartment, some makeup and toiletries as well so I didn’t need to bring much. I began staying over so often that it would be silly not to have my belongings over there. The girls made fun of me for it of course, but for once I didn’t buy into it. I was comfortable with our arrangements.

In no time I was knocking on J-Hope’s apartment door. I could hear faint footsteps before the door swung open in front of me to reveal him. He was shirtless and wore navy blue, checkered pajama bottoms and a comforting smile. I immediately threw my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into the apartment and closing the door behind me. We just stood there for a long while until I separated us. With no words yet to be exchanged, J-Hope led me to his bedroom and basically tucked me in and watched as I got comfortable.

“Do you need anything?” He asked, still standing off to my side of the bed. “Water? Tea?” He added. I look up at him through tired eyes.

“Water sounds great, actually.” I all but croak. All the crying I did took a lot out of me and I realized I needed to rehydrate. He nodded, scampering off to the kitchen.

He made it back in record time, handing me a glass of water after I sat up a bit. He finally got in bed himself and I could feel him watching me. Studying me to see if I would break down again.

“You don’t need to watch me like that you know?” I say glancing up at him, he suddenly looks down when our eyes meet. “Like I’m gonna break at any moment.” I mutter.

“I’m sorry...it’s just when I heard you crying I got worried.” He looks me up and down again while I look at my already empty glass. “Thank you...for worrying. I really didn’t know who else to go to. I’m sorry.”

He grabbed my hand from my lap and squeezed. I looked at his wide eyes.

“Charlotte, you have no idea how glad I am that you came to me. I’m always gonna wanna make sure that you’re alright. Please don’t be afraid to come to me with things like this. You can trust me...Okay?”

I looked up at his deep brown eyes so full of emotion and nodded, believing in every word. I was still very much in shock that he’s not acting like I inconvenienced him or that he didn’t turn me away in the first place.

“Okay. With that being said...Are you alright?” He asked carefully, caressing my hand in his. I think about it and I find myself nodding slowly, once more. “Yeah.” Now that I finally have you next to me, yes.

“Good. What happened?”

“Uh, I had a nightmare.” I admit hesitantly. J-Hope knows about my recent night terrors and most of their contents. No matter how much I wanted to hide it from him, it’s like he has the power to get me to talk about these things. Like a vampire using compulsion. But he doesn’t know that he’s the antidote.

His shoulders drop and he sighs disappointedly. “Again?” I nod. “And then I kind of had a panic attack.”

He makes a pitiful face and clenches his jaw. He motions for me to put the glass down and then to get under the covers. We cuddle up to one another, facing each other and he rubs my back soothingly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I sigh as the familiar words leave his mouth. It always seemed to help to get these things off my chest to J-Hope so I threw myself back into the mess that started this whole ordeal.

“He was yelling at me again...barking more like. All those obnoxious things he used to say whenever I did something wrong...And then I was running. Down this pitch black street that never seemed to end. Until I get to this weird looking building with one white door on it...Y-” I wince as I almost uttered his name.

“He came out and just stood by the door like he was waiting for me or something. And then I turned around to see Maeve behind me...she looked like she was waiting for me too...It was like I had to choose. And I didn’t want to, but...I chose him.” I laugh bitterly before continuing. “It was so real, like a fucking slap in the face...No matter what happened between us or what horrible things he did or said to me, I always went back to him...all while pretending like Maeve never even existed. I turned my back on her, just like I did five years ago.”

“That’s not true.” J-Hope interjected immediately. “I know you feel like what happened to Maeve was your fault, but we both know that it wasn’t. And you were coping with her death in your own way.” I let out another harsh laugh.

“Well, thanks for seeing it that way.” J-Hope suddenly scooched down to my level and tilted my chin up to look him in the eye.

“You don’t know this, but I have made it my personal mission to get you to stop beating yourself up this way and to, instead, make you smile whenever you do. You’re so much better than that. I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you.” He said sincerely. I let the corners of my mouth slide up one at a time at the statement, knowing that, that is literally what he’s been doing and well. My heartbeat increased and small currents of electricity found a home in my fingertips. I had no words and so I settled for a slow, searing kiss to get my message across. “Mission accomplished.” He whispered when we broke the kiss. We giggle and actually settle in for bed, turning off the bedside lamps.

“Night, Charlotte.”

“Night, Hobi.” A few moments of silence passed before I decide I have a confession of my own.

“Hobi.”

“Hm?”

“You don’t know this, but...you’re my dreamcatcher.” I say into the darkness.

He delivers a kiss to my wild hair and I smile once more before drifting off into a glorious, dreamless sleep.

++++++++++++

I opened my eyes lazily, adjusting to the change of scenery. I find a strong sense of comfort in Hoseok’s arms wrapped snugly around me and I nuzzle myself into him further. He does the same, pressing our bodies together firmly and tightening his hold on me. I attempt to fall back to sleep when I feel a soft kiss planted on the back of my neck, signifying that he was awake. He continued to kiss along the side and make his mark on my cheek and jaw causing me to giggle helplessly.

I turn in his arms to face him and kiss his lips hard, both of us smiling into it like maniacs. It’s not long until he tries to get on top of me and caress my body with his strong hands. I allow him to do as he pleases and arch my body into his, inviting him to grind his core into mine.

“I can’t even stretch my limbs before you’re trying to ravage me.” I laugh into his perfect mouth.

“Haha, well I had to try before you left me for the girls.” He goes to plant another kiss to my neck as my eyes widen with adrenaline. I dodge him, turning to look at the alarm clock that read 4:47 PM.

“The girls!” I push him off of me and run to the dresser in record time while Hoseok watches, cluelessly. “I totally forgot, we have a fucking gig today!”

The show today starts at eight o’clock and usually waking up in the evening doesn’t compromise that, but seeing as I only have three hours to shower, dress, beg the girls for forgiveness and travel all the way to a venue in Bodega Bay, I’m beginning to panic slightly.

I race to grab some of my own clothes in his dresser, scamper into the shower and crank up the hot water. When I return I throw on the fullest face of make-up I can manage while moving at lightning speed. I manage to buff out my foundation and concealer, slap some brown and gold eyeshadow on my lid and brush on some mascara while Hoseok finds something and freshens up.

“Uh, I’ll drive you.” He decided in his sleepy stupor.

“Thank you. I’m sorry bout this Jay, I’ll pay you back, I promise.” I peck his cheek on the way out the door. He just laughs, rushing with me to his car in our pajamas. “Don’t worry about it Charlotte, let’s just get you back.”

“Thanks, Hoseok!” I kissed him on the cheek once more before I’m flying out of the car and racing up to the hotel room, hoping to God the girls aren’t too mad at me.

I slipped into the room silently, not wanting to be seen out of embarrassment. The suite looked empty. Did they leave without me? The room was mostly silent, save for the whispering of two voices coming from the bedroom. My shoulders drop in relief as I approach the slightly ajar door, but I froze when I hear the deep, broken voice of Darren.

“So, what do you want me to do? Just stop feeling the way I do?” He huffed in his usual low register. What is he doing in our room?

“Don’t say it like that Darren, you’re making me sound like the bad guy.” I heard Leyah’s smooth voice join his and my eye brows furrow, my curiosity spiked even higher.

Darren replies, sounding defeated. “That’s what you’re saying though...isn’t it?” Leyah sighs and by the way the bed released a noise of pressure, I can tell she sat down. “Well, yeah...I guess I am...I’m sorry.” There is a moment of silence before Darren speaks up again.

“It’s just...it sounds stupid Leyah, but I can’t hold it in anymore.” My head cocks in interest at his ambiguous words.

“And I’m sorry, but I’m asking you to do exactly that.” I found myself leaning closer to the door as the conversation went on, hoping to get closer to what Darren was getting at.

“I just told you, I can’t. What do you want me to do?” He asked sarcastically with a bitterness to his voice. More silence.

“Look, I just want this to work out for everybody and in order for that to happen, I need you to-I don’t know, just somehow keep this to yourself, okay? I know I’m probably asking too much of you, but I promise you, it’s for the best.”  

“So this works out for everybody but me, huh?”

“Listen to me, I know you want a second shot or whatever, but telling Char how you feel is going to help, literally no one, trust me.” Leyah pleads with her best friend in a soft, reassuring voice and my eyes widen immensely.

Holy fuck.

They were having this deep, arduous conversation about me the entire time. So, Darren really did have genuine feelings for me and knowing Darren, that’s probably what he meant to tell me the night of our fight. That was weeks ago. By then, I already knew Darren had feelings for me, but hearing that his feelings were so deep that he literally couldn’t hold back anymore was daunting. I try to keep my breathing under control and not give myself away as I continue to eavesdrop for more answers.

“Besides, Char is really into that J-Hope kid and...they’re good together.”She spoke with an apologetic tone. “You telling her how you feel would just complicate things. Or it might get you hurt and I don’t wanna see either of my friends hurt. I…I just want you all to be happy.”

“Happy-what about my happiness, Leyah? Every time I see them together, I just want to punch something. I thought you were trying to help me in this-”

“That’s all I’ve ever done, Darren! And this time is no different.” Leyah suddenly yells, causing me to jump back from the door and almost lose my footing.

“You may be blind to it because of your feelings for her, but it’s obvious he’s it for her...and vice and versa. I know you see it, you just refuse to believe it and I’m sorry, but there is no way an apology and a confession is going to win her over when all she can see is him. The way they look at each other...even Char refuses to see it, but I know you do...I am trying to help you...this is me, trying to help you. Please don’t do this.”

Silence.

I couldn’t help the corners of my mouth slowly turning up into a smile when Leyah said Hoseok and I were good together. I knew the girls didn’t mind him, but I never asked them what they thought of the two of us together. I’m glad my best friend approves because I intend to keep him around for a while. And despite how much I wanted to grimace at her saying he was it for me, I couldn’t fight the butterflies that erupted in my stomach at the thought. Day by day, I’ve been exposing myself to the wonderous world of monogamy that once disgusted me and coming closer to embracing it. It only took the most awkward encounter of my life to realize that Hoseok may actually be the one. I huffed out a laugh to myself at the revelation when Darren finally speaks.

“Damn, Leyah. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” He spat angrily followed by the sound of his footsteps heading towards the bedroom door. My eyes widened tenfold and I panicked slightly before tip-toeing to the hotel room door at lightning speed. By the grace of God I was able to open it and slam it before Darren barged out of the bedroom and directed his heated gaze at me, pretending I had just walked in. It quickly turned to shock and relief as he recognized it was me, his mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind. I had trouble controlling my own facial expressions, not expecting to face him this quickly.

“Darren-oh, Char. You’re here.” Leyah said, closing the bedroom door behind her and joining Darren and I. She exchanged her frown for an emotionless line.

“What happened to you last night?”

“Oh. I, um...decided to go to Hoseok’s last minute and I got...caught up-uh…I’m really sorry I’m late.” I stammer, trying to give Leyah an excuse that won’t trigger Darren in turn.

“It’s okay, Char. I called, they pushed us back, it’s all good.” She shrugged. I sigh heavily and practically throw myself at her, wrapping my arms around her.

“You are the literal best. Why are you not in charge?” I whisper into her neck. She just chuckles and says “Because you’re much better at it.”

I continue to hug her, recalling what she said about my relationship with Hoseok, helping me to realize what was literally in front of my face the entire time. “Thank you.” I whisper once more.

“Anybody coulda done it Char, it’s nothing...come on, stop being weird.” he began to shrug me off, the longer we embraced and I broke away from her smiling. I turn around, remembering Darren was directly behind me and immediately avoiding eye contact. “Okay. Where is everyone? We should head out, right?”

“They’re in the garage, waiting for us.” Leyah shares, leading us out of the room.

“What were you guys doing?” I glance at the floor, trying to play dumb.

“I spilled something in your room, while I was waiting for Leyah to get ready. She helped me clean it up. Sorry.” Darren told me robotically as we got on the elevator. The excuse created another batch of questions I could have asked, but knowing the truth, I just left it alone for fear of being found out.

My friends were all waiting in the van in the garage and had many questions for me once I finally showed up. I just apologize repeatedly and dodge their questions as much as I can until they get that I don’t have any interest in discussing what exactly happened to me last night.

The atmosphere during the gig lacked that usual feeling of giddiness and excitement due to the events that occurred in the past 24 hours. My mind was full of thoughts of Darren and this incredibly uncomfortable situation he unknowingly put me in. It was obvious that Leyah and Darren were feeling it as well, their gazes always glazed over and far away whenever I laid eyes on them, which wasn’t often as I avoiding Darren again. Whenever he happened to be standing near me, I quietly slipped away to busy myself or when our eyes met, my eyes would dart elsewhere immediately. The other members seemed as lost as ever and skeptical, like they hadn’t been let in on a juicy secret.

When the option to visit the bar at the venue presented itself, I jumped at the opportunity, in desperate need of a drink after our set was over. I take a seat at the bar by myself, not bothered or surprised that the band left me alone. I see Darren do the same at the opposite side of the bar.They most-likely noticed me acting off and decided to give me space. I actually prefer it.

I had just downed my fourth shot and was starting to feel the effects when Darren took a seat on the stool on the right of me. I tense up involuntarily. I continue to look at the counter intensely, not acknowledging him until he speaks first.

“Hey, Char.” I turn to him slowly and glanced up at him from under hooded lids. He looked worried, for which one of us I couldn’t tell, but it made me antsy. I just nod at him. “You okay?” He followed up. I just nodded again, wishing to be anywhere, but here.

“Okay, um, I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute.” He stammered.

I made a face before responding. “You are talking to me.” I drawled. He just laughed, his pearly whites on full display, reminding me how painfully beautiful his smile is.

“In that case...I wanna apologize again for everything I put you through in the past couple of weeks-”

“You didn’t put me through anything Darren, you...were trying.” I cut him off, not wanting him to beat himself up over something he couldn’t control.

If you wanna apologize for something, apologize for sticking your nose in my business all the time.

“Well, I’m thankful you see it that way, but I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.” He said sincerely.

Then why are you doing this?

“I forgive you...I still haven’t apologized for those things I said to you weeks ago. I’m not gonna lie and say they didn’t come from a place of truth, but I really shouldn’t have said them, especially like that.” I ramble drunkenly.

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, just pills I had to swallow, I guess.” He shrugged. I just shake my head, thinking back to that night and how nasty I was to him. But I don��t speak on it anymore, knowing he would take my side every time.

“I also wanted to tell you something that’s been on my mind for a while.” He spoke slowly.

I turn to look at the counter again and sigh heavily and my heart beat speeds up significantly. Even after listening to Darren and Leyah earlier, I’m not ready to hear it from him for real, face to face.

“I know you were listening to Leyah and I earlier.” My head snaps up at him and the room spins slightly, my eyes widen. He just chuckles at my reaction. “I saw you run by the door to make your escape.” I wish I could laugh like him, but the severity of the situation still has me on edge.

“I guess there’s nothing to say then.” I say still trying to escape this confession.

“I wish there wasn’t” He replies.

“There doesn’t have to be.” I look up at him with furrowed brows and eyes that read ‘don’t do this.’

He makes a face, signifying that he recognizes my rejection, but he goes on.

“I know you’re into this Hope kid, but like you said, I’ve waited long enough, I have to try and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get this off my chest to you now.” He says with a passionate stare.

My body I moves before it has time to recognize the command form my brain, getting up and walking past Darren. I just had to get away in that moment. I stumble back when I feel his strong grip on my arm, turning me to face him. My eye twitched and my hands balled into fists. “Char, wait.” he pleaded.

“Darren let me go right now.” I feel my breathing quickened as I tried to free myself.

“Char, I love you.” His intense eyes meet mine, his voice was deep and fierce. His words immediately filled me with a sense of dread and my heart pounded in my chest, I was struck again with the need to escape.

“This isn’t happening, please let me go, now.”

“No, please, just listen to me. There is no one for me, but you, I need you to know that.” I work on unwrapping his hand from my arm when I made eye contact with the bartender behind Darren. He looked me over and his face lit up with concern. He took off to the front of the club and I was left to fend for myself against my friend in this sea of people who seem blind to what’s happening in front of them.

“Darren, let me go, I need to get out of here.” I growled at him. His grip only tightened.

“Char, don’t be like this. Please, just give me a chance.” He urged, staring me down with desperate eyes.

“I don’t want to! I don’t want you!” I shout above the music.

“Darren, what the fuck!” Leyah’s voice shot from behind me. I turn to see her enraged face and a burly bouncer making his way towards us in the distance, the bartender leading him to us. I feel stinging behind my eyes as so many emotions came over me  all at once because this situation has gotten way too out of hand.

“What are you doing? Let her go, you idiot!” Leyah joins in trying to separate us.

“Char, you can’t leave until you hear me out, please!”

“You’re hurting me!” I screamed just as the bouncer took hold of Darren’s arm and yanked it. Finally, I was free and clutching my arm, tears flowing down my face.

“Why are touching me? I didn’t do anything!”

The bouncer tried to restain Darren, but he fought back and the bouncer didn’t take kindly to that. In no time a fight broke out and we all backed away. Leyah tried to comfort me by wrapping her arms around my shoulders and I shrugged her off instantly, not wanting to be here anymore.

I slipped through the bodies and made my way out of the building onto the street, gulping in all the fresh night air that I could. I bend down, touching my hands to my knees, trying to get my breathing under control, counting backwards from ten. When I have enough confidence to roam, I quickly walk around the corner and hope the band doesn’t think to look for me here.

I never expected to want to hide from my friends in a time like this, but recently I’ve done it more than I would like to admit. I used to run to them for stuff like this and they would help however they could. It was never enough though. Before them I would bottle everything up because it felt like no one understood. No one does. Except Hoseok.

I would deal with the issue the only way I knew how. Sex and alcohol. I got the alcohol part down seeing as I’m still slightly woozy, leaning on a cement structure near the bar. The only thing I need now is an orgasm and all my problems should be solved.

I laugh bitterly and rub at the dry tears on my face.

You can’t fix this.

I can try.

I ignore my conscience and seek out my old method of numbing the pain as I pull out my phone and call uber to Hoseok’s place. I get myself together as much as I can in the back of the car, avoiding calls from my bandmates. My whole demeanor changed once I arrived and took the elevator up to his apartment.

I knock sternly on Hoseok’s apartment door, biting my lip in anticipation and restlessness. Thoughts of tonight's events playing over and over in my mind, making me jittery and somewhat uneasy. I shake it off, knowing Hoseok would give me just what I needed in a time like this.

He opens the door steadily, not expecting any visitors, and brightens when he sees me. “Oh Charlotte. Come in.” I do more than that.

I leapt into his arms, immediately attaching my lips to his in a feral manner, my fingers splayed out, running along the expanse of his muscular body.

“Mm, hello to you too.” He mumbled against my needy lips, but going along with it, kissing me back and caressing my body as well.

“I need you.” Is the only excuse I give, making brief eye contact before leaning down to suck at the juncture of his neck. He moans and plants kisses near my ear. I push him backwards in the direction of his bedroom, sitting myself on his lap, legs on either side of his hips as soon as he touches the bed.

“Have you been drinking?” He panted.

“Maybe.”

I suck his bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on it hungrily as I grind my hips into his quickly hardening dick. I’m interrupted from my magical state when Hoseok takes a hold of the hair at the crown of my head and pulled gently. “You okay?” He asked slightly out of breath from our make out, seeking out my eyes.

I cup his face with both my hands and look him in the eyes intensely. “I will be…” My tongue slides out of my mouth to lick a slow stripe up his parted lips. “Once you fuck the shit outta me.” I look down at his glazed over eyes, raised eyebrows and sexy agape mouth, finding no signs of resistance, but of course everything about it said he saw right through me. But I could care less if it means getting what I want in this moment. He just nodded understandingly. “Okay.” He let his sinful tongue wet his lips before forcing my face to his to devour my mouth and the rest of my will power.

He made quick work of his plain white t-shirt, throwing it behind me and then unbuckled the overalls of my dress. I help the rest of the way, removing my shirt, leaving just my black lace bra. He takes a moment to admire the view and then he rips the cups of my bra down to suck my nipple into his mouth, flicking his tongue against it and repeating his actions on my other breast. I moan out, arching my back into him, continuing to gain brilliant friction from grinding my crotch into his.

I kiss my way down his neck and chiseled front until I’m on my knees, in between his legs. I fondle his dick through his sweatpants graciously and all-but rip the garment from his hips. He cooperates, lifting his hips and pushes down his underwear as well. I waste no time with teasing, taking his head into my mouth as soon as it is presented to me. Hoseok instinctively threads his fingers into my thick hair and tugs slightly.

“Fuck, Charlotte.” He hissed through his teeth and began fucking into my mouth. I invite him in further, relaxing my throat and jaw, letting it go slack to feel him hitting the back of my throat repeatedly. I let him do as he pleased with my body, enjoying the feeling of making him feel good. I celebrate the fact that the tears that sting the back of my eyes are the result of mutual pleasure and not from being triggered by too many built up emotions. No. The only emotion I feel now is extreme euphoria  thanks to my affection for Hoseok. The yearning, the adulation, the complete infatuation I have with him. I look up through teary eyes at his angelic, gyrating form.

“Goddamn.” He groaned. “Such a dirty girl, looking at me like that while I fuck your little throat.” I moan around him and nod in agreeance as well as I could.

“You like that? Nngh...huh, baby?” He questioned as he forces my head down on his cock, my nose nuzzling his pubic hair. I gag trying to still manage a nod, my nails scratching at his thighs. He suddenly pulls my head back up by my hair, not giving me time to breathe as he captures my lips with his. Wetness pools in my underwear when he pulls my hair roughly to break the kiss.

“I almost came so hard down your throat just now.” He said heatedly, almost as out of breath as me. I whimper at the husky drawl of his voice and his fucked out gaze staring me down like he’s about to wreck me. “No, I got somewhere else I want it to go.” He looks me up and down, likcing his lips like he would tear me apart piece by piece any second now. And I was patiently awaiting that moment between his legs, loving the anticipation of it all.

“Where is that?” I rasped seductively, stroking his spit covered cock with both hands. He threw his head back quickly and regarded me cooly, almost scolding me for my actions with his eyes.

“Get on the bed.” He ordered, ignoring my question completely. I wanted to disobey, to rebel just to see what he would do. But my lust for him controlled me, forced me to rush to the top of the bed and remove the rest of my clothing at lightning speed. He just turned around and crept towards me slowly.

His hands glided along my legs smoothly, parting them further to make room for his glorious, naked body in between. He licked pleasant patterns into my thighs, moving deeper towards my incredibly wet core. He sucked one lip into his mouth before he spoke.

“Is this what you want?” I nodded eagerly. “What you barged in here demanding?” He cocks his head to the side and smirks a if to reprimand me.

“Yes.” I utter, guiltily.

“Not so bold now. Hm.” He sucks my other pussy lip into his mouth and pinches my thigh causing me to gasp.

“You know, dirty girls don’t usually deserve to get their pussy eaten. Do you?” He licks a swift stripe straight up my slit, slowing down once he reaches my clit. My breath hitches and I feel myself getting wetter at the filthy words falling from his mouth.

“Yes.” I breathed immediately. “Please eat my pussy, Hoseok. I need you, I need your mouth, making me feel good...you always make me feel so good, Hobi, please.” I pleaded, gyrating my hips into nothing in front of his face, just looking for some kind of relief and I was so close.

Hoseok seemed pleased with this performance and swoops down to flick his tongue against my clit at a vicious speed, making me throw my head back into the bed and wrap my legs around his head. He invites the gesture, dipping lower to take the bud into his mouth and attacking it that way as he held my thighs down.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Hoseok! Argh-oh my-yes!” I cried out helplessly, letting the immense pleasure take me away, his hair now in my vice grip. “Your fingers.” I blurted out, on the edge, my climax in sight. “Please give me your fingers.”

He didn’t hesitate to give me what I asked for, plunging two fingers into me and curling them forward to hit that spot that made my legs shake.

“Ah! Yes...I’m gonna cum.” I announce, the feeling of earth shattering pleasure fast approaching. Until Hoseok stopped what he was doing.

“What the fuck?” I whipped my head to look down at him and before I have time to register what’s happening, his cock was sinking into my heat and his hips were snapping into mine.

“Awk! Nnnnngh, fuck!”

I immediately fell off the edge, my body jerked as Hoseok’s dick collided with my g-spot, igniting violent explosions in the pit of my belly. My eyes cross and my vision goes blurry as I spasm against the sheets, focusing on the breathtaking pulsing of my hole around his cock. I arched my back into his chest and reach for anything to hold onto. Finding his neck, I wrapped my fingers around it and squeezed.

“Oh, shhhhit...that’s it baby, cum on my cock, just like that. So fucking good baby girl.” He growls into my ear, his gravelly voice sending vibrations through my fingers around his neck, causing warm electricity to course through my body. I gurggled mindlessly and subconsciously squeeze his cock at the erotic words.

He continues fucking into my lifeless body at a steady pace, breathing life into it with every thrust. My body recovers from before, but is inviting more overstimulating pleasure from Hoseok’s efforts to cum himself. So, I gather the energy to get him there.

I finally release my hold on his neck and grip his face to look me in the eyes. He gulps for air, still slamming into me steadily. “You fuck me so good, Hoseok. You made me cum so hard, baby. Only you.” Hoseok grunts, heavily. His thrusts becoming harder and faster, burying his dick inside me, staring into my eyes sensually.

“I can feel you pulsing inside me, ready to blow.” I purr, caressing his arms as they work and flex to propel him forward into me. He abruptly takes my legs to hike them over his shoulders, his dick delving deeper into me, creating a new delicious angle that has both of us moaning like mad.

“Holy mutherfuckingshit, you’re gonna make me cum again, fuck.” I spew, not being able to hold back with another intense orgasm barreling towards me.

“Can I cum in you baby?” He pants, his hips sputtering with how close he was to finishing.

“You can do whatever the fuck you want-uugh! Mother of fuck! No one’s ever fucked me like you do. I swear I could fuck you for the rest of my life. Oh my fucking God, I want you forever.” I whimpered, so fucking close to that white light.

“Argh, fuck!” He cums into me with so much force, I’m sent flying through time and space, frozen in this one moment dissolving into pure euphoria forever. I let out a shriek, my tense, jerking body unable to contain the pleasure coursing through it.

Hoseok collapsed onto me briefly, catching my lips in a passionate kiss before giving me room to drop my legs back down onto the bed. We couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves afterwards, neither of our mouths wanting to leave the other’s body. Moments later he pulled away from me and looked me over thoughtfully.

“What?” I whisper, the silence in the room making itself known now. He doesn’t answer immediately, still weighing whatever it was.

“Nothing.” He decides and places the covers over us, cuddling me. “We’re talking about that in the morning.” He points to the new bruise on my arm that Darren created and closed his eyes while I tried to formulate an excuse for what happened.

++++++++++++

I woke up to Hoseok tracing light patterns into the skin of my shoulder from behind me. I could feel his eyes on me, but not in a creepy way. I turn to lie on my back and regard his beautiful face with appreciation.

“Good morning.” He said, now tracing patterns on my sheet clad stomach on his side and resting on his head in his hand. His eyes were focused on what he was doing, almost like they were distracting him from something else.

“Morning.” I replied, studying his face. He looked deep in thought, his brows slightly furrowed and his lip tucked itself under his teeth as he thought of his next words.

He opened his mouth to speak, pausing in even more thought before he found the words. “Last night was very fun for me, but...what exactly happened?”

Jeez, so soon?

I too, distracted myself with his movement on my body as I tried to figure out what to say.

“What made you come over here...like that?” He wondered, concerned.

I sigh. “Uh, at the gig yesterday...Darren, he…” Hoseok’s movements stop momentarily at the mention of my guy friend/roadie and then continue again. I glance up at his face that was now filled with malice. A look that didn’t look good on his angelic features. “What did he do?” He whispered sternly.

I swallow nervously. “He...he told me he loved me.” I force out in a small voice. The words sounded so foreign coming from my mouth, a person who doesn’t even deserve love. It was like I was finally coming to terms with it after running from it since it happened.

Hoseok’s movements stopped again and his hand lifted off of my body by millimeters, in shock. He rested his hand on the bed and I look up at him to see his reaction. His face is disgruntled and conflicted. I can just see the gears turning in his head.

“And do you...do you feel anything for him?” He spoke, not meeting my eyes.

“No.” I say immediately. “Of course not...not in that way. Not when I have you, how could you even think that?” I asked incredulously, grabbing his hand and placing our joined hands on my stomach.

He just shrugs, his bothered expression gone. “Because he’s built, good looking and you could have anyone you want.” He forces a laugh.

I lift my hand to stroke his soft cheek. “Well I want you so none of that matters.” He finally looked into my eyes and smiled genuinely, swooping down to kiss me firmly. “And for the record, you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met.” I say when we part. He blushed slightly and smiled wider in thanks.

“So that’s why you came all the way here so...excuse my French, out of it? And what happened to your arm?”

“Yes. I didn’t exactly react too well when he told me...I tried to leave, but...he held onto my arm to keep me there.” I relay calmly, analyzing the bruise that’s only gotten worse since last night. Hoseok’s look of animosity was back.

“He did this? What a fucking asshole! Who does he think he is?” Hoseok spewed a few more insults before I climbed my way on top of him. He was now on his back, my hands on his bare chest not caring to toy with the sheet that fell from mine.

“Hey, forget about him. The bouncer took care of him...I think. He just got a little passionate, we were drinking and hey, I’m fine.” I smile to convince him.

“But he hurt you and you’re okay with it?” Hoseok asked hesitantly.

“I didn’t say I was okay with it, he and I will have words, but I am fine.” I leaned down to kiss him. My lips moved against his and his hands reacted by gripping my butt. I let go after a few moments. “And I would like if we stopped talking about this for a while.” I request, giving my best puppy dog eyes.

“Okay, fine.” He relented, stroking my face with his hands and staring into my eyes. “May I ask one more hard hitting question, though?” His profound features didn’t match his joking tone, I had no idea what to expect.

“Go for it.”

“Did you mean it? What you said last night? About...forever?” His eyes were intense with curiosity, like he had everything riding on this. I do some quick thinking of my own. Hoseok is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, that much is obvious. And as much as I say I have trouble with commitment and intimacy, I’ve already committed myself to Hoseok. We weren’t seeing anyone else, nor did we want to, plus we were infatuated with each other. I can’t ignore this fact. Even though I have some issues that needed work, that doesn’t mean I have to let it hold me back from life.

“Yes...I don’t know about forever, no one does, but...” I answer, honestly. I watch him smile brightly in front of me, basking in his warm glow. “I wanna be with you, Hoseok.” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“You are with me.” He grabs my hand and squeezes.

“Like be with you, be with you.” I thread our fingers together in the air, gazing into his beautiful brown eyes.

“But I thought you said you didn’t want to...you know...labels?” There it was, that look of hopeful curiosity that Hoseok wore best and that always made me grin.

“I know, I know...I’m just done with letting my issues control me.” He smiles proudly, resting a hand on my cheek and stroking, gently. “So, Hoseok, if you’ll have me, I would love to be your...your g-girlfriend.” I fought back the bile building up with the sound of Hoseok’s comforting laughter. He grasps my cheeks and brings me down to his level, putting our foreheads together fervently.

“I think I’m supposed to ask you that.” He laughed.

“Well, when you do, I’ll say yes. Easy as that.”

He nods happily. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you pushing yourself too far.”

I shake my head. “It’s the only way I’ll learn...and I wanna learn with you.”

Hoseok regarded me with a look of longing in his eyes and kissed me once again with so much emotion, it spread warmth throughout my entire body and tendrils of electricity to the tips of my fingers and toes. “Okay....okay.”

The two of us lay there whispering sweet nothings until I heard my phone buzzing from across the room and I sigh, figuring it was time to stop ignoring my friends. Hoseok properly stretches and I dangle my body off the side of the bed to reach for my phone and check my messages.

Several calls and texts from each of the girls riddled my screen, but I was surprised to find no messages or calls from Darren. I settle back into bed and Hoseok attaches himself to me again as I call Leyah back to check in.

“Char, hey, are you okay?” She picks up right away and her troubled voice filled my ears.

“Yes, Leyah, I’m fine.”

She sighs in relief. “So I can assume you’re with J-Hope right now?”

“Yes, I’m at Jay’s right now.”

“Okay, well, you might want to get back soon.” She said nervously.

“Why is that?” My skeptical tone caused Hoseok’s eyes to pop open in intrigue.

“Uh, Darren kinda got arrested last night after you left and we’re gonna go bail him out.”

I rolled my eyes and rubbed a hand around my face in annoyance. Well that explains the lack of messages. “No, you all can go bail him out, I’m going to stay here.” I say sternly. Hoseok moved to rest on his elbows beside me, studying my stressed out face.

“Are you sure? He mentioned wanting to see you.”

“I could give a fuck what he wants right now.” I spat. She just sighed. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you...later then.” She said dejectedly. I groan, hoping I don’t regret what I’m about to do. Her depressed tone shot right through me.

I know Leyah just the best for her friends and for me to just stop hiding and get this over with, so I figured I’d do her a favor.

“Wait, Leyah...I’ll go. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay. See you then. Thank you.” We hung up and I ran my fingers through my hair roughly.

“Is everything okay?” Hoseok asked rubbing my arm comfortingly.

“No.” I answer easily, knowing the truth. “But I have to go. I’m just gonna take a shower first if that okay?”

“Yeah of course. Is it okay if I join you?” I just pecked his lips and nodded.

The shower was quick seeing as I had somewhere to be and I threw on a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans and the Doc Martens I wore last night.

On our way out, I see the glass on the nightstand from yesterday in the same place that I left it and decided to clean it up. Hoseok continues to gather his things in the bedroom as I make my way to the kitchen. I stop in my tracks when I see a familiar figure standing at the counter with his back to me. His height, shoulders, back muscles and even his hair (that was now a tinted, dark red) were all very visceral, creating flashes of so many memories in my brain.

My heart rate accelerates and my world begins to spin when the stranger finally turns around and I find that he’s no stranger at all.

His gorgeous face scrunches up in confusion and complete awe at the sight of me. “Charlotte?” His rugged yet celestial voice traveled over to me, sending a sinister chill down my spine.

“Yoongi?” I whisper brokenly.

“Oh, Yoongi hyung, you’re back!” I straighten up and blink away the blurriness in my eyes at the sound of Hoseok’s voice behind me.

“Charlotte, I see you’ve met  my temporary room mate, Yoongi. Yoongi this is my girlfriend, Charlotte.”

My heart leapt into my throat as the glass I was holding clattered to the floor, exploding into pieces.

[annoyed-galaxy]

In-Character Interview

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same.

Tagged by @essythewolf and @jhara-ivez (thx uwu)

Tagging @iamaweretoad, @chennington, @pandapenguinnn, and @the-r3d-painter (i dont have five people xD)

(and I might have gotten inspiration to do the POV from the interviewer’s perspective from Jhara >.>)

(Gonna use Clerissa from Enderal: Forgotten Stories)

I walked into the Noble’s District or Ark, my hands sweating and my heart racing. I had never been in the Noble’s District before and so I was nervous. I followed the directions on the piece of paper that the little courier girl gave me. The Prophetess’ house was at the very end of the river by the Dal’Galar estate. Ignoring most of the nobles, I hurried to the house. Once I arrived, I took a breath and knocked on the door.

I only had to wait a few seconds before the door opened and a man, with white hair, opened it. I introduced myself and he called out to the rest of the house. The Prophetess came downstairs and allowed me inside her house. Two other people were sitting at the table, but the Prophetess just led me upstairs to a seating area next to her bedroom. She laid down on the long couch and I sat in the chair next to her. She wore a dark purple dress that draped over the small couch. The white-haired man brought up a bottle of wine and poured some for me and her. I thanked him and then began the interview as he left.

1. What is your name?

“My name is Clerissa.”

2. Do you know why you are named that?

“No, actually. I don’t even have a last name or middle name.” Clerissa’s face looked sad at that, but she took a sip of wine and she smiled again.

3. Are you single or taken?

“Why? Are you interested.” She chuckled but shook her head. “Although nothing is official, I’m hoping that white-haired mercenary down there will make things official. He’s been..dropping hints regardless to say.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

“Funny story actually, I used to not have any powers. I only knew how to fight with a sword, and not to toot my own horn, but I knew how to use one very well. But after my near-death experience, I gained the ability to learn almost anything instantly. So, I became an Elementalist and learned how to use a smithy and enchant. Needless to say, I’ve become a very proficient battlemage with my own customly enchanted armor.” She winked and took another sip of wine.

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

Clerissa simply looked at me with a raised eyebrow and took another sip of her wine while still staring at me. I coughed awkwardly before continuing on.

6. What’s your eye color?

“Dark blue. My family says they tend to look like the night sky and sometimes even turn a dark purple.” She just shrugged.

7. How about your hair color?

“Blue-black. In the sunlight, you can really see the blue.”

8. Have any family members?

“Y-yes.” The Aeterna frowned. “Although all of them died before I came here to Enderal. My parents and my sister, along with my former companion and best friend all died.” She took a a long drink of the wine before continuing. “However, after meeting my current friends, they have become my new family.” She motioned to the hallway and as the two quieted, they could hear Clerissa’s friends laughing and speaking amongst themselves. Clerissa smiled happily and I continued after a few seconds of quiet.

9. Oh? And how about pets?

Clerissa’s ears perked up. “Oh I wish! I want so many pets, but I would never be able to take care of them with how often I’m away from home. Calia and Tharael don’t like animals too much and so I couldn’t ask them to pet sit. Jespar likes animals, but he agress with me: we’re always gone too much.”

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now, tell me something you don’t like.

Clerissa shuddered. “Most people don’t like spiders and while I don’t like them either, I can’t fucking stand pus beetles. They’re gross and always poison me. I also hate Prince Mith. That guy doesn’t know what poetry is. Ugh.” Clerissa rolled her eyes before finishing off her cup of wine.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies you like to do?

“Oh yes. As I said, after my near-death experience, I began to learn how to smith and enchant weapons. So I like to find blueprints and just experiment with them and also find enchanted weapons to try to toy with them. I also like to write and draw, but I don’t share those. And singing. I love singing. Absolutely love to sing.

12. Have you hurt anyone in any way before?

“You see the scars on my face and on my throat? There’s a reason behind them and the people who gave them to me no longer exist in this world.” Clerissa poured herself another drink and took a long drink.

13. Ever...killed anyone before?

The Prophetess eyed me before taking a long drink. She simply said “Yes” and motioned for me to continue on. Nervously, I did.

14. What kind of animal are you?

“I’ve always considered myself a Myrad. They’re so calm and peaceful when tamed, but they are monstrous when not tamed. I like to think of myself like that. Although Jes thinks of me as a lioness sometimes.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled.

15. Name your worst habits.

“Being an asshole to people. I’m such a fucking ass to people sometimes. But most of the time they deserve it. I’m actually surprised my friends are as close to me as they are.” Clerissa cleared her throat. “But I also don’t take things too seriously. End of the world? Oh well.” She shrugged and laughed.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“If I can be honest? I really look up to Jespar. There’s just something about him, the way he views life and all the shit he has gone through that makes me relate to him. He’s my best friend and that’s why I think I like him so much.”

17. Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?

“Bisexual. I had a female companion before I came to Enderal and I had never been interested in men, but someone changed that.”

18. Do you go to school?

“When I was living in Nehrim, I was hired by many nobles to sing in their houses at their parties. I managed to make some decent money and afford a personal tutor for me and my sister. I also picked up some things from the nobles around me by watching them. But every day is a learning experience.”

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

She sighed dreamily. “Clerissa Dal’Varek...the name sounds so lovely don’t you think?” She cleared her throat. “Ahem, I have dreamed of it one day.”

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

“Oh, fans? I uh...if I do, they haven’t made themselves recognizable.”

21. What are you most afraid of?

“Losing my family again.” Clerissa sighed and took another sip of her wine.

22. What do you usually wear?

“Any and everything flowy. I don’t like tight clothes. I designed my armor to be loose enough that I can be comfortable, but still protect me. Also, dark bright colors are my favorite. However, I couldn’t make my armor a bright color due to the ore I used.”

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

“You did say one, right? Well...I can’t say just one. If there’s food and I’m in around, there won’t be food for long.”

24. Am I annoying to you?

“What? No of course not! Do you think you are? Do you need a hug?” She looked sad and I chuckled and shook my head. “Oh thank goodness. I do think these are some personal questions, but other than that, I don’t mind.” She smiled and offered me a drink of wine which I accepted.

25. Well it’s still not over!

“Alright. Do continue.”

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

“Well back when I lived in Nehrim, I was the lowest of the low. But now, I guess I could be considered high class. I am a little rich but that’s just because of all the ruins I have delved into and the riches I sold allowed me to buy this house which I share with my family.

27. How many friends do you have?

“Three close friends that I consider a family and other people that I enjoy their company sometimes. But my family is the best.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

“I want some now.”

29. Favorite drink?

Clerissa picked up the bottle of wine and swirled the liquid. “Wiiiine.”

30. What’s your favorite place?

“I absolutely love the Whisperwood. It’s such a mystical place...although it is a little creepy.”

31. Are you interested in anyone?

“Only one white-haired treasure hunter.“ Clerissa sighed dreamily.

32. That was a stupid question.

“Oh don’t worry, I love talking about him.”

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

“Fuck either. I hate bodies of water. I had to swim across the ocean once to get to this fucking island and I hated it. I hate water. I’d rather dry out all lakes or the ocean than swim in them.” She shuddered and drank some wine.

34. What’s your type?

“Ahem...white hair, pale blue eyes, a nice goatee, and a beautiful voice.” She coughed and then chuckled again.

35. Any fetishes?

“I..uh...don’t have many fetishes unless you consider devouring food and wine and smoking weed a fetish?”

36. Camping or outdoors?

“I love being outdoors at nighttime. I love the night sky.” Clerissa sighed and downed the rest of her bottle of wine. “Anyways, I think it’s time to go. Thank you, but my family and I have some things to do.” She stood up and shook my hand.

I shook her hand in return and she led me downstairs. She offered me a bottle of sparkling wine to take home which I accepted. I said goodbye to her and her family and saw the three friends she cared about very much. I definitely saw the why she liked the white-haired man. He was very charming. After I left, I thought about the mysterious Prophetess and what kind of person she was. Despite the answers she gave me, she still felt like a mystery to me.

[katelides]

Bechloe Week Day 5 : Road Trip

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13011277/1/Bechloe-Week-2018

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404181/chapters/35751621

Bechloe Week Day 5: Road Trip

Jesse is sitting in his usual chair watching some kind of dumb movie while Benji is doing some magic tricks. Bumper is somewhere out, not caring at all about the business while Beca is the only one actually working on a car that was brought in the day before. The car has to be fixed by tomorrow and today is the only day of they had. “You know, if we did this together we could all go home and do something useful with our lives?” Beca is completely ignored by the boys, again. So she slides underneath the car again finishing the job they were supposed to do. While Beca is underneath the car the phone of garage rings and Jesse is the first one to get to the phone.

*Phone Call*

Jesse: “Car Treble, this is Jesse speaking.”

Chloe: “Hi my name is Chloe, my car broke down and I need some help.”

Jesse: “Sure, where you at?”

Chloe: “Uhm I’m not sure, I know I drove up Route 36 but now I have no idea where I am.”

Jesse: “It’ll take us some time to find you, maybe between 2-3 hours.”

Chloe: “Really? That long?”

Jesse: “Yeah nothing I can do for ya.”

Chloe: “Alright uhm I guess I’ll wait?”

Jesse: “Whatever you want sugar.”

*End Phone Call*

“Yo Jesse was that Bumper? Where the hell is he?” Jesse shakes his head. “Nope some kind of woman, her car broke down on Route 36, has no idea where she is.” Beca waits a minutes for Jesse to actually say something useful but it seems like a losing battle. “And what did you tell her?” She finally asks. “That we’d pick her up in a few hours.” Beca’s eyes widen. “Dude there’s a freakin storm on its way and you want to let someone wait with they broken car in a place they don’t know?” Beca gets no reaction whatsoever from Jesse so she does the only logical thing. She grabs her keys and some tools. If none of the idiots would go pick the woman up or at least help her, she would.

It takes Beca around 15 minutes to find the car. The rain is slowly picking up so she needs to move fast. She parks her own car right in front of the little pick up. Surely she sees the drivers door open and a gorgeous woman step out of it. Beca quickly does the same and offers the stranger her umbrella. “Hi, you called Car Treble earlier, right?” The redhead nods her head with an expression Beca can’t decipher. “You spoke to my idiot of a colleague and I’m really sorry about him.”

“No problem, I was actually preparing myself to be stuck here for a few hours. How come you managed to get here so fast?” Chloe asks curiously. “Well, our garage is further down the road and Jesse is too lazy to stop his movie, Benji is doing magic and no one knows where Bumper is.” Beca says with a slight growl. “I’m telling you men are pigs, I’m glad I don’t have one sitting at home.” Chloe chuckles as she finds Beca quite funny. “Anyway, I’m going to check under the cap, your battery probably died.”

Beca opens up the cap and is expecting to get hit by the rain but stays completely dry. “I figured working would be more pleasant if you weren’t soaked.” Chloe says, holding the umbrella above both their heads. “Thank you...?” Beca hesitates slightly because she doesn’t know the other woman’s name. “Chloe, my name is Chloe.” Beca smiles at the redhead before continuing to check underneath the cap. “My name is Beca, not that you asked.” The voice is muffled because the brunette is talking into the car but it doesn’t matter, it’s still adorable. Chloe thinks to herself.

“Like I thought, it’s your battery. I’ll kick start it for now, until we get to the garage and there I'll put in a new one.” Chloe frowns and it doesn't go unnoticed by Beca. “Hey what’s wrong? It’s not a big problem, it will be fixed in no time for you to meet your family, friends or whoever.” Chloe shakes her head. “No, I’m not meeting anyone, I’m on a road trip. And I’m strapped on cash, so except if you have a bank closely or I can pay by card I might have a problem.”

Beca thinks about it and shrugs her shoulders. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll arrange something for you.” She finally says. “That’s not a worry for now, and just make sure you pay me and not one of the baboons working with me.” Chloe nods her head, slightly confused. “Anyways, now I’ll kickstart your car and I’ll need you to follow me, is that ok?” Once again Chloe nods her head and does as told.

A solid 25 minutes later the two women arrive at the garage. “Alright, park your car inside, I’ll be there in a minute.” Chloe does as told and waits for Beca to come inside. Surely a few minutes later Beca runs in, completely soaked by the rain. “Alright, I'll go get a new battery. Do you want some coffee?” The brunette asks with a smile. “Oh no thank you, I’ll just wait here if that’s ok?” Beca nods and runs off towards where Chloe assumes the batteries are.

“Hi, I’m really sorry for the crappy service here, I’ll need to talk to my employees. Bumper, what’s your name gorgeous.” Chloe is rather taken aback by the man’s directness and she doesn’t feel comfortable at all. She really hopes Beca comes back soon. “Uhm someone is already helping me, thanks.” Chloe tries but that doesn’t seem to work. “No one can help you like Bumper can, if you know what I mean.” Bumper winks at Chloe and the redhead actually winces at the gesture. “Yo Bumper, beat it I’m dealing with her.”

“You? What do you even know about cars.” Bumpers laughs out loud. “I only hired yours eye candy for the store, or as a secretary but neither job seems to be done.” Chloe can see Beca grit her teeth. “If it wasn’t for me your stupid business wouldn’t even be here. You’re never here, Jesse and Benji do nothing all day long. If you had to wait for Jesse to pick this nice lady up she’d be stuck out in the rain until tomorrow. So if you have nothing better to do here, go fix mister O’Donnel’s car.”

“Did you just try to boss me around you little dyke?” Chloe’s eyes snap wide open while Beca’s eyes narrow so thinly you might actually think they’re closed. “You know what you rat, you heard exactly what I said. And I want to add something to my previous statement... I QUIT!” Beca turns to face Chloe. “Hey do you want a companion for your road trip?” She asks. “I would love to have you tag a long Beca.” The brunette smiles. “Great, if you don’t mind, we can take my pick up. It’s a new model and has more space.”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” Chloe answers. “Great, lets get your stuff in my car and get on our way.” While she says that, Beca thrusts the battery she was holding in Bumper’s arms to then turn around and help Chloe with the few things she had. “I’ll be expecting the money for that pick up which will be around 4,000 dollars in my account by tomorrow. If you don’t I’ll sue you.” Chloe’s jaw drops at the coolness oozing from the brunette. “Don’t worry, I’ll send it to you afterwards.” Chloe nods her head with a smile. “Don’t worry, I trust you.”

With that the two women are on their way to a new adventure. Two strangers that eventually will turn lovers. Who would have thought a road trip could have this outcome. Chloe certainly didn’t.

[dailychapel]

John 10:1-42 NLT - 1 "I tell you the truth, anyone who sneaks over the wall of a sheepfold, rather than going through the gate, must surely be a thief and a robber! 2 But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. 5 They won't follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don't know his voice." 6 Those who heard Jesus use this illustration didn't understand what he meant, 7 so he explained it to them: "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. 8 All who came before me were thieves and robbers. But the true sheep did not listen to them. 9 Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. 10 The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. 11 "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. 12 A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming. He will abandon the sheep because they don't belong to him and he isn't their shepherd. And so the wolf attacks them and scatters the flock. 13 The hired hand runs away because he's working only for the money and doesn't really care about the sheep. 14 "I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, 15 just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep. 16 I have other sheep, too, that are not in this sheepfold. I must bring them also. They will listen to my voice, and there will be one flock with one shepherd. 17 "The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. 18 No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded." 19 When he said these things, the people were again divided in their opinions about him. 20 Some said, "He's demon possessed and out of his mind. Why listen to a man like that?" 21 Others said, "This doesn't sound like a man possessed by a demon! Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?" 22 It was now winter, and Jesus was in Jerusalem at the time of Hanukkah, the Festival of Dedication. 23 He was in the Temple, walking through the section known as Solomon's Colonnade. 24 The people surrounded him and asked, "How long are you going to keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah, tell us plainly." 25 Jesus replied, "I have already told you, and you don't believe me. The proof is the work I do in my Father's name. 26 But you don't believe me because you are not my sheep. 27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, 29 for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father's hand. 30 The Father and I are one." 31 Once again the people picked up stones to kill him. 32 Jesus said, "At my Father's direction I have done many good works. For which one are you going to stone me?" 33 They replied, "We're stoning you not for any good work, but for blasphemy! You, a mere man, claim to be God." 34 Jesus replied, "It is written in your own Scriptures that God said to certain leaders of the people, 'I say, you are gods!' 35 And you know that the Scriptures cannot be altered. So if those people who received God's message were called 'gods,' 36 why do you call it blasphemy when I say, 'I am the Son of God'? After all, the Father set me apart and sent me into the world. 37 Don't believe me unless I carry out my Father's work. 38 But if I do his work, believe in the evidence of the miraculous works I have done, even if you don't believe me. Then you will know and understand that the Father is in me, and I am in the Father." 39 Once again they tried to arrest him, but he got away and left them. 40 He went beyond the Jordan River near the place where John was first baptizing and stayed there awhile. 41 And many followed him. "John didn't perform miraculous signs," they remarked to one another, "but everything he said about this man has come true." 42 And many who were there believed in Jesus.

[awkward-radar-tech]

Build and Break

Summary: You have know Hux since childhood, but were separated for years. After a faithful meeting back on Arkanis, you are now his assistant and secret lover, holding onto another secret.

Warnings: Execution and inference of kinky sex

A/N: I apologize for the tears and anger this fic might cause. This was my first time writing a request, and using songs as inspiration. The prompt contains spoilers for what happens in the fic. 

Prompt: From @michaelathewordsmith​ Could you please write a Hux x reader based on the songs “Delicate”, “End Game”, “Look what you made me do” and “Dancing with our hands tied” by Taylor Swift wherein Armitage is secretly seeing his long time acquaintance turn to love interest from home who is now currently working with him as his assistant but keeps their connection hidden for the sake of protecting reputations until one day it is revealed that she is a spy for the resistance and she has been using her relationship with him as an advantage to extract information to help the resistance in which she is charged for high treason and Hux is ordered by Snoke to persecute the reader after finding out about their relationship and the problem that she had caused. And in the end with the reader’s last breathe she reveals to him that she is with child.

You woke up nude in a larger bed than your own with somebody holding on to you and something fuzzy at your feet. You were thoroughly confused for a moment in your hazy state before you realized you accidentally fell asleep after your fun night with your boss/ secret lover. You looked at the clock and breathed a sigh of relief that it was still early enough that you could return to your own quarters without raising suspicion. You quickly got dressed and placed soft kisses to both gingers’ foreheads before leaving. You knew Armitage wouldn't be upset waking up without you there, he couldn't let your and especially his reputation be tarnished by the fact that he was in a relationship with the assistant he chose to hire.

The two of you have been secret lovers for about a year now, but have known each other for years. You grew up in the same neighborhood and your fathers were close, so you found company with one another when forced to attend stupid parties and social gatherings when children. You lost all contact after he went off to the First Order, but had been talking less and less as you got older and forced to socialize along with your parents to show that “you were going to be a fine woman capable of being a perfect wife” to some wealthy family’s eldest son. One day when you were enjoying some lunch at your favorite bistro, you saw the unmistakable fire of your childhood acquaintance's hair approaching and took a chance to call him over to your patio table. Hux approached cautiously, but dropped it after he recognized who you were. The two of you spent the rest of the day walking around catching up on the years of life that had passed while apart. He revealed he was now the youngest general, and had his own ship to oversee, and that he was here on a forced “vacation” by the Supreme Leader after attempting to shoot a force sensitive commander during an argument. You told him you went through a rebellious phase for awhile and traveled around a bit with a pilot who was kicked out of the academy, but have been back for the past 3 years although your dad was still upset about your phase since no family wanted you to marry into it due to your “affinity to act out” being improper. After a few drinks at your favorite bar, you ended up in his hotel room and subsequently spent a majority of your time there for the rest of his vacation. Before he returned he promised that he would find a job for you on the Finalizer with him so the two of you wouldn't be separated for years once again. Sure enough, two weeks later you got a message offering you the position of General Hux’s assistant and a week after that you were being escorted to the Finalizer by a lieutenant and the general himself.

You had returned to your quarters without passing a single sentient being, much to your relief. Instead of going back to sleep you grabbed one of your datapads out of your desk drawer and began to work on some reports on important information you learned yesterday. You had sat in on a few different meetings about the progress of Starkiller and needed to submit your reports on the information learned as soon as possible. After you finished those, you allowed yourself to return to sleep so you were well rested for whatever the general had planned for later. He told you that it would only be you and him all day and he planned something special.

When you walked into Hux’s office, what you were greeted with was not what you expected to see. Armitage Hux had transformed his office into a romantic getaway in the middle of a Star Destroyer. You had fully expected to find a kinky sex “dungeon” not a soft romantic scene.

“Armitage, what is all this for?”

“Well, my kitten, just because I can’t show you my feelings publicly doesn't mean I can't show you privately. I love you, (y/n). You are the brightest star in my life, and being with you at those parties as kids was the only positive thing from my childhood. You were the only one who unashamedly showed me kindness in my life. I know this is out of the blue, but will you marry me?”

“Darling, I love you too. But I can't marry you. My reputation is horrible, my dad would never let me marry a bastard child no matter how much you accomplish, and one day I'm sure I'm going to hurt you. I want to say yes, I really do, but I just can't.”

“(y/n), please. We built this relationship up together, don't break it just because you are scared. I don't care if Ren destroys an entire ship, as long as I can hold and kiss you in the wreckage at the end of the day my life is perfect. I like the sense of danger and mystery you bring to my life with your reputation, please say yes.”

“Armie, I can't. I am going to hurt you one day, and I don’t want to be your wife when that happens because then something more may happen to you. What about your reputation, it would be damaged if people found out what we have right now and even more so if we were to get engaged. Can we please just forget that you asked and keep everything how it was?”

“Okay. But I make no promises that I won't ask again in a few months.”

“That is fine, Armitage. I hope we can still enjoy what you have planned, I love all the flowers.”

“Of course, my sweet kitten. Let's indulge!”

3 weeks later

You were quickly following behind Hux as he strode through the ship en route to the holding cells since a resistance prisoner requested to speak with him, and Hux wanted you there to take notes. When you arrived you found a beat and broke blonde man sitting patiently on the floor of his cell.

“You requested to speak with me, scum,” Hux spat out. He couldn't believe that some lowly piece of scum needed to speak with him, it was truly disgusting and he so wanted to execute him on sight.

“Ah, yes, general, I did,” the prisoner began. But all that came out of his mouth after that was complete nonsense, an incoherent rambling of many different languages all said in one statement.

When the prisoner finished, Hux was livid, “Do you have anything normal and useful to say you fucking piece of scum, or did you just want to waste my time?”

The prisoner was completely calm in his response, “What I said was useful, general, especially because it wasted your time. That is all I have to say though so you may go now.”

“Did you just dismiss me, your captor?! Guards, transfer this piece of scum to a torture chamber. Let’s go (y/n), we have more important things to attend to.” Hux had already began to stride away before he finished his last words, and you were quick to follow him to the lift.

Once alone inside, he turned to you, “I'm sorry you had to see me like that kitten, scum just do that to me. I hope you can forgive me for putting you through that.”

“Of course I can, Armie. He deserved that treatment for wasting your time.” You were going to kiss him when the lift doors opened and you were joined by a seething commander.

Kylo nodded towards you before addressing the general, “Hux, Supreme Leader has requested us immediately. This is an important matter that only the two of us can know of.”

“Of course Ren. (Y/n) when the lift stops, please return to the office and begin the report about the scum, I will return when my meeting with Supreme Leader is completed.”

You gave a nod to your boss, “Yes, sir.”

The lift stopped and opened for you to exit, and you quickly walked to your shared office to get to work.

Hux and Ren continued up to Snoke’s projection room in silence. The Supreme Leader’s projection already lit up the room when they entered. At the first sight of the men, Snoke began, “I have been alerted of a resistance prisoner who was passing code onto a spy within our forces. Thank you Kylo Ren for noticing this.”

Kylo just nodded while Hux spoke up, “Supreme Leader, do you know who the spy is, and what shall we do to them?”

“General Hux, I do know who it is and I will inform you in a moment. Some of my guards are already taking them into custody. And as for their punishment, you shall execute them yourself and ensure a slow and painful death. Once you agree, I will inform you of name of the spy.”

“Supreme Leader, I promise to do as you have requested.”

“Very good General. The spy is (y/n), your assistant. You have 36 hours to fulfill your orders General Hux, do not let personal feelings get in the way of this. You should know better than to think you could hide the nature of your relationship from me. The two of you are dismissed.” Snoke’s projection faded out before Hux could respond.

Hux could not believe what he had heard, how could (y/n), the love of his life, betray him and the Order like this. She couldn't be a spy, or could she, he had to go find proof. While in his shock and deep thought, he didn't realize Ren had left, or that he placed a note in his hand. He immediately read it: Hux, this is the only time I'm going to be nice to you, since I know what she means to you. Look in the desk she has in her quarters, there will be all the proof you need. He never was in her quarters much, since normally she came to his, but he did remember her desk, since he found it odd that she chose to have one. On his walk to your quarters he wondered if Kylo wrote the note before leaving or if he came with it, if he did write it in the room, why does he carry paper and a pen with him, if he brought it, how did he know that he would want evidence. He would never find out the answer and shortly after realizing that he reached the door he needed.

After entering, he went straight for the desk, and began opening drawers. They each contained a few datapads, and after checking each one he found that they were stolen from different First Order officers of separate ranks and work area. And one was resistance issued, with many files sent about sensitive information. In a fit of rage, much akin to Ren, Hux threw the datapad at the wall and the screen shattered on impact. This was what you meant by hurting him eventually when you declined his proposal. How could you say you loved him and also be using him to help the enemy, was it all just a lie. Why did the one person who made him believe not everybody who says they care about him are only manipulating him be just like everybody else. The only sliver of light in his life turned out to be a lit match in the hand of an arsonist not a lamp held by a helping hand. He stormed out of the room and to the guards outside of your sealed, soundproofed cell.

“Do not give her any food, and only allow her one cup of water. Let her know she will be executed in 24 hours,” Hux ordered and then left to return to his quarters. He hated that you made him do this to you. He didn't want to starve you, he didn't want to kill you, he just wanted to wake up to find out this was all a bad dream and that he his actually married to you and you are faithful to the Order. But he knows he won't, and that breaks him. Tears started falling, he ran his fingers through his hair and pulled hard, he had a few drinks, and Millicent came to sit next to him and purred. The most meaningful and loving relationship that he has ever built, was built on lies and deceit and now was broken. He grabbed his datapad and put it on “Do not disturb” for 16 hours so he could continue to break down, sleep, then rebuild in peace before having to perform an execution.  

Execution Time

You were brought into a large room with chains around your wrists and ankles and then forced to kneel by a stormtrooper. You knew you were being executed for your crimes against the First Order, but you wished you could tell Armitage that you actually loved him, but couldn't back out of the job you had when brought aboard before you died. Right at that moment the door opens and your red head is in front of you with a blaster in his hand. He was rigid and had a stern expression.

“(y/n), you are being executed under the order of Supreme Leader Snoke for your crimes against the First Order. Do you have any final words?” Hux’s voice held no hint of emotion as he spoke.

You began crying before you even spoke, “Armie, I'm so sorry. I was sent on this mission before I even met you again. If I knew I was going to fall in love with you, I wouldn't have accepted the mission, I would have left them and joined the First Order completely. I truly love you, so much. I'm sorry I had to hurt you like this. Please make this as quick as possible for both our sakes.”

“I have been ordered to make you death long and painful, goodbye (y/n),” he aimed for your stomach and pulled the trigger.

The shot rang out and you curled up in pain, “Tige, there is one last thing, I'm pregnant.”

He couldn't believe what he just heard. He ran to you and held you, and he began to cry, “(y/n) why didn't you tell me that before I pulled the trigger? I would have shot somewhere else. I love you so much, and now I have shot both you and our child. Why couldn't things be different? Why did you have to make me do this?”

After you took your last breath, he returned to your quarters and took the jacket you had been wearing back on Arkanis when he first saw you again before ordering all your personal belongings to be burned.

He kept the jacket and a picture of you in a small cabinet in his quarters, and would pull out the jacket to smell your perfume every so often, and after nine months he added a red onesie. Every night he would place his hand on the cabinet, or take out your picture to look at your smiling face. He could never forgive you for what you did, but he could also never forget his feelings for you.  “I love you.”

[hippyjonny]

The Face of the Devil

Hello,

I have been brought to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I contemplated very lightly and romantically the concept of suicide. My situation is unique in that I live in Japan and the woman who bullied me is the only other English speaking employee at the school. To make matters worse, we were put into the same office, much like a pen. From the first day I worked she treated me like shit and condescended me. She told me to my face that Mr. Motoda, the man in charge of hiring me, did not do his job properly when he chose me because I was not qualified to do this job. From then on she constantly passive-aggressively badgered me. She would make it a point to say “Enjoy your mid-week weekend” about my day off on Wednesday (as I am part time) instead of just saying “See you later.” I confronted her about this and she made excuses that I can’t remember. She would talk to me non-stop when I was trying to study Japanese and narrate her Facebook feed out loud. I began to move to the library at the school for peace. After a while of this habit she told me, “You really like the library, huh?” Then when our contracts were being renewed and she kept prying Into whether or not I was being hired for the next year, I tried to keep my status anonymous as it was my business. I snuck to the vice principal to finalize the deal, but when I arrived back at the office she was waiting and told me she had heard I was renewing. I was sneaking around my own school to avoid her, but she still found a way to invade my space. The early years at our school presented us with terrible students due to the school being private and lacking high academic standards. It was more a pay-to-play situation. So, our senior students were some of the most inconsiderate kids I had encountered and anyone would feel frustrated trying to deal with them. Without thinking I plopped myself in the chair, sighed and offhandedly said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” She told me that she would have to report what I said to the principal. I was preoccupied with my issues and barely heard her. I brushed her off and said something like, “Do what you gotta do,” not really understanding what the hell she was talking about. However, she actually went to the management and told them that I had said verbatim that I “don’t like teaching.” She would overpower me with her opinions without taking into consideration my own and eventually I stopped talking to her altogether. However, she would still engage me in conversation regardless if I was studying. Eventually I began listening to YouTube meditation videos before school to try and deal with the onslaught of the coming day with her. Once I didn’t have time at home to listen to my meditation video so I tried to do it at school. I had headphones on and I remember she approached me and I could see her mouth moving. I took my headphones out and she said something unimportant that I couldn’t remember if I tried. Then I put my headphones back in. We repeated this process—I kid you not— four times. Then I went to the roof and silently screamed. She once came into the office one morning and just started screaming at the top of her lungs. She was mad about what she perceived as sexual harassment from one of the students. It’s a complicated issue to explain, but I had discussed the issue at length with many Japanese women and they told me that my Western psychopathic coworker was overreacting and they all just laughed. My coworker would often cry, lose her temper or just be volatile in general at work. What Is most interesting about her is that her father was a counselor. She told me even about her experiences with psychopaths and how they were very scary in real life. She once told me that she “would make a great boss” and that all her coworkers at her old job “loved” her. She once asked me if I was confident in my lesson plans. I said I would always have doubts. When I asked her, “You?” She said without blinking an eye, “100%” She once told me to “say thank you” to a child. By the way, I am a 36 year old adult male. I had talked to her about her passive aggressive mentioning of my days off. We ended up exposing her self-righteous attitude that my offhanded comment about not liking English teaching was enough to make me unworthy of the duty in her eyes. I told her, “If you ask a taxi driver if this was their destiny, do you think they would all say yes? People have to make a living and can still do a good job doing it.” Despite trying to bring this difference of opinions out in the open, it didn’t change anything. Finally, I had had enough and while shaking I talked to one of the heads of the school, Mr. Ato. I did my best to explain 3 years of abuse and he finally said in English, “She’s—uh…mental.” For once in my 3 years, I felt validated. I asked the management to move me to a different office and they did. For a brief moment I experienced pure bliss. She didn’t visit me and we had nothing to do with each other. Then suddenly she came to me with a scheme. She told me she had heard some rumors that the English department was changing directions and that our jobs might disappear. According to her the principal had alluded to some changes and we needed to get with the program or face the consequences. I, a native simpleton, freaked out for a good 10 minutes and bought into it. Her plan of action was a unilaterally decided change of curriculum. She decided we were all taking a new direction as an English department even though she is not a boss, just an employee who teaches classes completely separate from me. Little did I know, this was her way of entangling me back into her sinister web once more. I agreed thinking that the best tactic was just to pretend to care and nod my head so that she would quickly leave the vicinity of my office. However, that was my grave mistake. From then on I became her slave. She gave me deadlines and new tasks as if she were a boss until the point where I had to confront her and make myself clear to her once more. “I am not your employee…Please keep all conversations work-related from here on out.” And she abided, but she simply changed the definition of “workplace conversations.” After more annoying updates about the direction of English education in Japan and her thought process into every detail of her papers, she finally came to me with a new emergency. This time, she had seen a memo in the morning online Teams bulletin board and saw that the OE of Oral English had been replaced with question marks. I literally never read a single memo, so of course I would not have seen this. She came to me saying that we were once again in danger of losing our jobs and we must act quickly. So she had called a meeting with the boss in order to confront Mr. Suginomori who she had dictated was the enemy of her plan. She saw the was ignoring her e-mails and had plans to squeeze us out of our positions. As a part-time worker, I don’t want to be involved in any of these discussions. If I am fired, I simply will find a new job, as people do. This was all extraneous information. Feeling frustrated, scared and mostly exhausted with her bullshit, I fell back on my age-old tactic of just agreeing with everything she said and then not following through. However, now I had inadvertently agreed to attend a meeting which was brought about to confront a Japanese English teacher. He is a good man, though a little old fashioned, and she had not once confirmed what was actually happening. She simply made up a situation in her head and then tried to manipulate me into getting what she wanted. I have played dumb for the entire 5 years of my employment to maintain the upper hand. She had no idea that I had requested that we be put in separate offices. She came to me and complained about it and I pretended to listen. Actually, once I came back from Summer vacation to find that my lunch box had gone missing. Something you must understand about Japanese society is that they do not steal. That is a 96% true statement. The nearly never steal and it would be an astronomical anomaly for someone in a private school of well-off students and teachers to want to steal a bento box that was made for a 6’ 3” Western man, probably too big to fit into their valise. However, when I asked my co-worker about it she told me, “Well, I don’t know, but someone probably got annoyed that it was taking up that space for so long. The Japanese people would find it rude.” Clearly she threw away my bento box out of spite or some bizarre personal code of ethics. Anyway, I began to feel the anxiety I used to feel when we shared an office together again. I would wake up sometimes and she was already on my mind, and if you know me at all, to have work on my mind after work is the last thing I would ever do. So, I knew that I would have to deal with her once more despite having already having a conversation with her about professional boundaries. In the previous discussion I told her that we should keep our communications “work-related” and that any other conversation should be avoided In order for us to make the best use of our time. She obeyed this for a bit and then eventually came to invade my space and boundaries once again. Her excuse for doing so was in a similar vein to her first attempt, the possible loss of our livelihood. So, for weeks I agonized over how I would word my NEXT conversation with her. I wrote 5 or 6 drafts of many different letters. Some of the first ones were similar to this except more spiteful, delineating every single thing that happened and my psychology behind pretending that I cared about the things she cared about. I thought that the pivot on which our problem teetered was the fact that she could not respect the fact that I don’t invest myself into the work as much as she believed I should, but that that was just an opinion and nothing more. Other drafts were evil hate letters. Finally, I came up with a professional solution which stated that I felt stressed being told I was going to lose my job every month and it was making it difficult to do my work. I told her that I wanted to reiterate my previous statement by redefining what I meant by “work-related conversation.” This definition did not included unfounded gossip and our discussions did not need to take an entire hour because they could easily be completed in ten minutes. Her reply was that I was sending her “mixed messages” because I had stated I was interested in being included in decisions about the English department. However, she had created an entire curriculum and began to implement it without gaining anyone’s consent. This is a clear difference from what tense she decided to use for the verb in question 4 on worksheet number 11. I snapped. I knew the whole time that if I lose my cool, I would lose everything, but I am only a man and I have my limits. This exceeded my limit. So, I told her everything I’m telling you now and more. So, now it was all in the open. When I talked to the management, they listened to me go on for 20 minutes and all they said was, “We sympathize. Can you put it in writing? Try and relax for your summer vacation and come back refreshed.” They didn’t give a rats ass what happened to me. Now I had not only made myself exposed to my psychopathic coworker, but I had also made myself appear to fit the stereotype of the emotionally unhinged and sloppy Westerner. My ass was flapping in the breeze and I had no energy left. I dejectedly sulked around the school asking literally 4 different people who needed to stamp my fucking vacation paper to get it approved with all conflicting answers on what was already the most humiliating day of my life. My soul left my body. I went to the roof and looked past a locked fence. I imagined climbing over it, looking down at the concrete from the fourth floor, and what it might feel like to plummet to a beautiful, emancipatory smack. I had psychologically and physically come to realize why so many people in Japan come to commit suicide. All channels had been tapped and there was absolutely no support system in place. As soon as you are not harmonious for even a second you are the instant pariah. You are collectively repulsed and flaked like a dead skin cell, because to the Japanese, a show of emotion is nearly sickening. It disgusts them and only proves your weakness. After all this time trying to keep my cool, I had lost. Now I am still in the thick of this situation. I don’t know whether I will quit, how my coworker has reacted to my second confrontation, and whether the school will simply fire both of us now for being troublesome, emotional foreigners. However, I have finally learned what it was that was plaguing me and tormenting me. It was a psychopath in the flesh. I had a tendency to feel sorry for her on several occasions because she had nothing else in her life and was trying to create meaning through imaginary battles and enemies, much like Don Quixote. But I had already told myself multiple times that if I felt the urge to humanize her that I needed to clip it off deliberately because those were the times I was made vulnerable and she struck like a cobra. So when she came to my desk a final time before summer break to hand off some papers she made it was like staring the into the face of the devil herself. Her head creaked and as she twisted it slowly towards mine in my seat. I muttered, “Thank you.” Gnashing her teeth, she interrupted me as she always does and said with a grin that would make Nosferatu shit his pants, “I finally got around to making that phrasal verb worksheet. I hope you have a wonnnnnnnnnnderful summer.” Then she slithered out of the room as fast as she could. Not only do I see why Japanese crime basically is outbursts of uncontrolled rage and suicide, but I also have seen into the mind of a killer. I have pondered so many times if she is a sinister mastermind or the world’s most unaware imbecile, and therein lies the danger of a psychopath. Heed my tale and keep your senses sharp because you might be the next unsuspecting victim of their guiles. I have had a mental breakdown and am reconsidering continuing my work there. I am considering any remaining avenues of reform, but I am beginning to believe that my sanity is not worth the cost. I hope that my story can help another person who is struggling like me because I have never encountered anything like this in my life. We like to believe that God is real and that we can make the world fair and society is civilized, but at the end of the day it truly is a Darwinian free for all. I am no conservative, but I can’t fully deny the death penalty and despite the ridiculous amount of gun-related deaths in America and it’s lackadaisical regulations, one can’t help but wonder after staring a demon in the face whether or not it might not be a bad idea to pack some heat. Beware. There are soul suckers among our midst.