#i am not trying to to be pretentious i am just trying to save myself more Organizing Hell later

[justmeinadaze]

Yin & Yang (Steddie X You)

A/N: This post got me feeling some kind of way🫠 .

Warnings: Older Daddy Eddie (Late 30s)/ Older Dom Mr. Harrington (Late 30s) & Younger Fem Sub Y/N (mid 20s)

SMUT, LOTS of dirty talk, male masturbation, fingering, talks of sharing (duh), slight innocence kink (if you squint; she's new to the dynamic), ANGST, reader deals with a rude customer and Eddie saves the day. A fight between Eddie and Y/N are mentioned.

Word Count: 4838

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Everyone always said Edward Munson was a rude, pretentious asshole. News outlets, websites, social media; everyone who met him briefly or not at all expressed a particular distain for him that you always found amusing when the topic came up. 

Visually, he did seem a bit aloof whenever the businessman did any kind of interview or was asked any kind of question. It was always a bit odd seeing a music producer get so much attention especially one who focused on the heavy metal scene but everyone who hated him also tended to agree that he was a genius at the craft. 

The bands he signed and prompted always hit high numbers on their respective charts making him and them a ton of extra money in the process. 

Anything you read or heard you skimmed past mostly because that wasn’t exactly your scene nor did you know anything when it came to what goes on the background of the music industry. Working at a coffee shop wasn’t extravagant or lucrative but it got you through till you could figure what actually was your scene and go from there. 

That’s how you met him. 

On a particularly rough shift, a man was screaming at you about an order that you supposedly got wrong as you tried to control the tears from spilling down your face. 

“How stupid are you?! It’s coffee not a fucking math equation. You just put the right liquid in the right cup and fucking hand it to me! It’s not that hard! Fucking moron.”

“Excuse me.” The man turned just as the handsome gentleman who addressed him hung up his phone and shoved it into his coat pocket. “I understand you’re a bit stressed but I’m going to have to ask you to stop harassing the young lady. It’s not her fault and she’s doing her best.”

“Pfft. Fuck off, douchebag. This doesn’t concern you.”

“It actually does because you couldn’t handle this situation in a quiet calm manner. You’re ruining everyone’s morning including mine. Now…either take the coffee she’s giving you or wait for her to make a new one patiently.”

The man’s fist flew but the gentleman moved out of the way, grabbing his wrist, and twisting it as he forced the man to kneel before him. 

“Ok. If this is the way you want to do this, that’s fine. Sweetheart…” When he addressed you, you immediately stood at attention ready to die for this man if he asked after what he had just done. “Can you hand me that cup there? Thank you.”, he praises, flashing you a small smile that makes you giddy. “Now, apologize to the young lady.”

“Ow, I’m sorry!”, the man cringes when his wrist is twisted a bit more. 

“Good. Take this coffee and get the fuck out of my sight. If I see you here again I won’t be so nice.”

Disregarding the Styrofoam in the gentleman’s hand, the rude customer quickly gets to his feet before running out of the store. Sighing, your hero places the coffee in front of you.

“Thank you…for defending me… He was being such an asshole.”

“Yeah, he was. It’s not your fault he didn’t order the correct thing. I can be an asshole myself but I know when and where to use it.” When you giggled, his beautiful eyes scan you over as if trying to get a read on you with the little information in front of him. 

“Are you, um, are you Edward?”, you ask as you slide him the coffee with the name scrawled across. 

Again, he glances you over and later on you would learn he was looking for recognition. Everyone he interacted with knew his name and who he was. You were the first person in years who seemed to regard him as just another stranger which fascinated him.

“I am but you can call me Eddie. That’s what my friends call me.”

“Oh. Um, we’re friends?”

“For now, but I’d like to be more whenever you’re open to it.”

Another smile stretched across his face when he noticed your own turn bright red as you blushed. 

“You don’t even know my name.”

Coyly, he leans his elbows on to your counter as his eyes stare at your chest. At first you feel self-conscious before you realize he’s looking at your name tag and you let out a tiny laugh to break the tension.

“I’m sorry, I just—”

“Do I make you nervous?” 

“A little.”

“Honest. I like that. How about this. I can pick you up after your shift today and we can start with dinner and go from there.”

“I don’t have any clothes to change into.”

“That’s ok. I think you look perfect as is and I promise when I come get you I won’t be dressed as formal.”

“O-Ok, Eddie.”

“Good. Good girl. I’ll see you tonight.”

That evening, he showed up right as the shop was about to close and when you told him it would be a few more minutes, he nodded as he patiently waited by the front door. You occasionally snuck glances at him as he browsed his phone. True to his word, he wore jeans and sneakers with a nice white button up shirt that he had rolled up to his elbows. With how he looked this morning, you imagined for him this was dressed pretty down. While his hair was slicked back when you last saw him, now his waves seemed to have a mind of their own making him seem less intimidating and quite adorable. 

Eddie asked you so many different questions about yourself, silently listening as you both ate at the restaurant he took you to. You learned fairly quickly, while he seemed like a man of few words, his body language spoke loudly. His chocolate eyes never left yours as he hung on each and every word you spoke. When you said something he found even remotely funny, his lips would flicker into a slight smirk before returning to their proper alignment. When your drink ran low, his finger would raise and a waiter would promptly run your way with a refill and as the night progressed you found his leg leaning against yours with a little sigh escaping his chest when you didn’t shy away. 

“I feel kind of selfish. I’ve been talking about myself a lot but I feel like I don’t know anything about you.”

“Honestly, sweetheart, it’s a nice reprieve. Everyone I run into knows me and my perceived reputation so to finally meet someone who doesn’t know me is a breath of fresh air.”

“Reputation…”, you repeated the word apprehensively. 

“Um, I’m kind of known as being a jerk.”

“You don’t seem like that to me.”

Eddie smiled so wide this time that his teeth came into view and you knew at that moment you’d do whatever it took to see him smile like that as much as possible. 

“Thank you for that. I can be when I need to be. In my line of work people tend to take advantage pretty early on and I wanted this industry to know I’m not someone to fuck with.”

“Do you make movies or?”

“Music. I’m a music producer for some heavy metal bands.”

“Oh wow! That’s so amazing. I would love to know more! Did you use to play?��

When he finally began to open up, hours passed like minutes and you were so entranced that you didn’t even realize the restaurant was getting ready to close. 

Eddie told you at one point he was in a band but hated the way they were cast aside for being “to generic” and “stuck in the past” so he took matters into his own hands. He bought a building and turned it into a label where he could help produce his friend’s music. He learned everything he could about production and managing, getting everything together, and essentially put Corroded Coffin on the map. 

He found that he actually loved working behind the scenes and stuck with it from that point forward. Now he’s a well-respected name in his field earning triple what he would have made as a guitarist. 

“What’s the name of the label you first opened?”

“Franklin Production; my mother’s maiden name. It seemed right because her money bought the building and she always loved music. She died when I was young.”

When his head hung, your heart broke. 

“Oh my God, Eddie. I’m so sorry.”

His mood changed in the blink of an eye as he breathily chuckled and glanced at his watch. 

“Shit, Y/N, it’s almost 1am. You have to be exhausted after your long shift today. Let me pay for our meal here and then I can take you home.”

“We’ve ordered so much food and drinks. Please let me help pay.” He paused at your comment then as his eyes met your now confused ones. “What?”

“I’ve only met one person who ever offered something like you just did and that man is my best friend.”

“I mean…it’s rude…isn’t it? It’s not fair for me to expect you to pay for everything.”

“Fuck me, baby.” Your eyelids visibly flutter at the term of endearment; coming out of his mouth with a sultry husk that made you swoon. “You’re really something special. I appreciate the offer but when you’re with me, honey, I can take care of you. It’s my pleasure quite honestly.”

You watched him pay the waiter and leave him way more than 15% before Eddie grabs your hand, leading you back to his car. 

That night he dropped you off at your apartment continuing to be the perfect gentleman as he walked you to your door and kept his hands behind his back as you slowly turned your key. Before you entered, however, you paused and hastily turned to plant a small kiss on his lips. Without waiting for a retort, you want inside and shut your door with a little giggle, watching through the peephole to see what he’d do. 

Eddie’s fingers softly brushed against his mouth as he grinned the way you enjoyed at the restaurant. 

***

You had been together now for a few months and you loved him with every fiber of your being. Eddie was extremely protective over you insisting you quit your job and move in with him. 

“Sweetheart, I don’t want you being somewhere where some fucker can belittle you and make you feel like trash. I can take care of you till you find a new job that makes you happy and people treat you with the respect you deserve.”

“Eddie, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking; I’m offering.”, he cooed as his hands cupped your cheeks. “You know how much Daddy loves looking after his pretty girl.”

The first time he called himself Daddy, you blushed and hid behind your hands making him smile as he chuckled low in his throat. 

“Have you ever called a man Daddy before?” When you giggle and curl tighter into your body, he climbed into the bed beside you and pulled you to his side. “It’s ok, sweetheart. Nothing to be embarrassed about with me. Can I show you something?”

Eddie grins when you drop your palms and show him your beautiful face. 

“Good girl.”, he praises as he takes ahold of your hand and kisses the back of it. With his eyes locked on yours, he gradually places it on the bulge in his slacks. “You feel that? Do you feel how hard I am just from being around you as is? You don’t have to do or say anything you don’t want to, princess. I’ll still be here and I’ll still want to fuck you till you can barely move.”

A smile twitched on his lips when your breathing stuttered. 

“I-I-I’ve never called anyone Daddy before or done anything that’s not…”

“Vanilla?”, he helped when your sentence stalled. “Vanilla’s ok to. Definitely a delicious flavor that can’t be disregarded. Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

Eddie leans in till his mouth is just hovering over the shell of your ear. 

“The fact that you’re so nervous and innocent to all this really fucking turns me on.”

When his cock strains a bit more against the fabric and pushes back against your hand, you can’t help but release a little whine as you push your thighs together. 

“What’s wrong, baby? Got a bit of an ache between your legs?”

“Yes.”, you breath out heavily as his palm ghosts up your thigh and his lips tenderly peck along your neck. 

“I can help with that if you want.”

“Y-Yes, Daddy, please.”

Now, you were more than comfortable especially since he was always so patient with you when it came to almost everything. Unlike your past relationships, you were genuinely surprised at how little the two of you fought if at all. Eddie was a force in his business but when you two were together he was always as accommodating as possible. The one time you ever saw his anger directed towards you was when you forgot your phone when you went on a girl’s night out with your friends. 

When you came home at 2 in the morning, he was waiting in the living room and pacing with a glass of whiskey in his hand. 

“It’s 2 in the morning, Y/N! I’ve been worried sick! You forgot your phone. What if something happened to you and you couldn’t reach me!?”

“Eddie, it’s ok! I just forgot it. I promise I’ll do better next time—”

“That’s not the point! What if there hadn’t been a next time!? I’m responsible for you!”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!! I’m sorry!!”

“You watch that fucking tone with me, little girl!”

“Oh yeah. Or what?!”

When the glass in his hand shattered into the wall behind you everything became abruptly silent. Tears stung your eyes as you grabbed the little trashcan nearby and scooted towards the mess, sinking to your knees as you collect the pieces. 

“Y/N, baby. No. No, no. Let me clean this, please.”, Eddie begged, his tone much softer than before as he kneeled beside you. 

When he tried to take the sharp items from your grasp, you angrily pulled away from him. 

“I didn’t mean to forget my phone. It was an honest mistake and you had no right screaming at me like you just did!”

“I know. You’re right, sweetheart. You are absolutely right. I just… fuck… I’m so sorry, Y/N. I love you so much and the idea of something happening to you or you getting hurt just terrifies me. I shouldn’t have reacted this way.”

Blinking up at him, your hand reaches for his own. 

“You love me?”

“Yeah, Y/N, of course. Since I met you behind that coffee counter.”

After tackling him excitedly, you beamed as you kissed his lips. 

“I love you to.”

People on the outside didn’t seem to understand why you were with him but they didn’t know him the way you did. Eddie was sweet, funny, and incredibly kind despite his hardened outer exterior. According to the man himself, the only other person who understood him the same way you did was a man you had yet to meet. 

#############

Steven Harrington was a name you knew solely due to his reputation in media. 

He was always portrayed as just another trust fund baby who was utilizing daddy’s money to do whatever he wanted. He got in trouble constantly but brushed it off with a sexy smile and a calm demeanor that made even the biggest skeptic want to trust him.

The first time Eddie mentioned him by name was after you noticed him watching one of Steve’s interviews. 

“Fucking idiot.”, he chuckled light-heartedly, turning the screen of his phone so you could watch to when you climbed into bed beside him. “This is the guy I was telling you about. Steve Harrington has been my best friend for years.”

“This is your best friend?”

When he nods, you focus on the interview in front of you.

“No, no. Trust me, that company would be crazy to sell right now in this economy. Once things bounce back it will be worth way more than it is now. Then again…if they sell I could buy it and turn it into a hotel or some s***. Go ahead than! Sell that f***er!”, he laughs making you giggle as well when his nose scrunches adorably. 

“Steve is actually a very clever business guy. People constantly underestimate him because he acts like a playboy.”

“So…he’s the yin to your yang?”

Eddie smirks down at you before kissing your forehead. 

“You could say that.”

The more your boyfriend told you about him the more you wanted to meet him. Eddie seemed to genuinely care about this person and as his girlfriend you wanted him to get to know him as well. The first time you spoke to him was after you moved in with Ed and he called to congratulate you both. 

“Hey! Are you Y/N?”

“I am.”, you grin. 

“Oh good. I don’t know what I would have done if you said no. ‘EDDIE! Some random pretty girl is in your place!’”, Steve laughed. 

“Pft. How do you know I’m pretty?”

“Because a sexy voice like yours must be inside a beautiful woman. I’m kind of jealous.”

He said it so smoothly that if you weren’t already sitting you’re sure his words would have knocked you off your feet. Your eyes glanced towards Eddie who was watching you from his spot on the couch. 

“Uh oh. Did I lose you, honey? Sorry. Sometimes I come on a bit too strong.”

“No, no. It’s ok. You just… you remind me of him.”, you exhale as you get up and walk towards your boyfriend. 

“Of who? Of Eddie? I take that as a compliment. He’s a good man.”

“Yeah he is but that’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Oh? Well then use your words, pretty girl. Who do I remind you of? I’m DYING to know.”

Eddie softly smirks as he watches your breathing stagger the same way it does when you’re intimidated by something. His ring covered fingers gently trace down your arm making you shiver. 

“Tell me.”

The two words that followed came out as a strong command that told you to obey. The contradiction of how he spoke now to how he had before made you dizzy and you desperately wanted more. 

“Daddy.”

After tossing the phone next to Eddie, you covered your face with your palms and ran up the stairs. A few moments later, the man you loved climbed into bed beside you and collected you into his arms. 

“Talk to me, baby. Remember, no matter what there’s nothing to be embaressed about, ok?” He smiled when he felt you nod against his chest. “I know Steve can be a bit much at first but he’s a good person who’s been through a lot of bullshit.”

As you sniffle, you tilt back so you could see his face. 

“I feel bad.”

“About what, sweetheart?”

“I liked the way he spoke to me. It turned me on the same way you do.”

“Ok…why does that make you feel bad?”

You shrug. “I love you.”

That makes him genuinely smile. 

“I love you to, Y/N, so much. That’s why I trust you, babe. I, um, I have a confession to make.” When you sit up to give him your full attention, he does the same. “I’ve known Steve for a long time and I trust that man with my life. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone and he’s done the same. You said, sweetheart, he’s the yin to my yang and you’re right. Fuck… how do I say this…”

“You want to share me?”

The innocent way you asked your question drove him insane but he pushed down the need to fuck you for the time being. 

“Kind of, yes. I…I wanted to see how you two got along and if it worked out, maybe, we could fly to go meet him and… you’d still be mine but he’d—”

“Use me.”

“Fuck, baby, you have to stop saying things like that the way you are.”, Eddie panted excitedly as he adjusted the growing bulge in his pants. 

“May I ask why? Why you would want to share me like that?”

“Of course, Y/N, you can always ask me anything. You hold the power here especially when it comes to this. I just… he’s my best friend and I want him to be happy to. In these past few months, you’ve changed my world and I just want to give him some of that. I, um, I also think…”

“Tell me, Daddy. Please.”, you beg in your tiny voice that has his eyes closing as he tries to control himself. 

“Fuck… I think it would be incredibly hot to watch you fuck him.”

You had told him you were open but apprehensive because it was all new territory for you. Both men came up with an idea to help you get acclimated to the idea. 

“Hey all. Wow, Jesus Christ Munson, you undersold your girlfriend’s beauty. Hot damn.”

You giggled as Eddie rolled his eyes at his friend who was laughing himself from his side of the computer screen. It looked like Steve had the device he was using for this facetime visit resting on his lower stomach as he leaned against the headboard of his bed looking incredibly sexy with his ruffled hair and tank top just barely covering the chest hair that littered his skin. 

Eddie had you sitting in between his own legs as he rested his head against your shoulder and his arms hugged you to him. 

“I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable. If I do at any point please just let me know and I’ll respect your boundaries.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable but, uh, you kind of intimidate me a bit…more than Eddie did.”

“Is it because I start at 10 and go from there? Yeah, casualties of growing up in chaotic household and then starting a business where your biggest competitor is your father.”

“What DO you do? Ed said you’re an investor?”

“Kind of.  I invested in a friend’s tech company many years ago and that paid off in a big way. They make medical supplies that are high quality for a cheaper price. I’m trying to expand so we can invest in more—Pfft! Listen to me talking about all that bullshit. Let’s talk about something else.”

“No, hey! That’s amazing that you do that. My father needed supplies like that but it was so hard for him to afford stuff. You’ve probably helped so many people. What supplies has your company helped make?”

Steve blinked, sitting up straighter.

“Huh.”

“I told you.”, Eddie sings as he places a delicate kiss along your skin. 

“D-Did I do something wrong? Am I not allowed to ask him questions?”, you asked genuinely worried you crossed a line. 

“Most people, let alone women, don’t care enough to ask us things like you just did.”

“Maybe you two are spending time around the wrong people.”

“Maybe… Damn, Eddie. She’s perfect. Where did you find her because obviously I’ve been looking in the wrong places.”

“Hm. I found her in a coffee shop being yelled at by some asshole. Fucker.”, he growled before you tilted back and kissed his cheek. “It’s not just her personality either. Her body fucking drives me crazy. Even just watching her walk from the bed to the bathroom makes me so fucking hard.”

“Yeah? Your Daddy says you have sexy body. Can you show it to me?”

“Only if you’re comfortable, princess.”, Eddie whispers in your ear.

“Can you help me, Daddy?”

Nodding, he removes each item of your clothing till you were naked for the man on the screen in front of you. 

“Fuck me. I’m not just saying this, Y/N, but you’re so gorgeous.”

“Thank you.”, you groan as you lick your lips. “May I see you?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely.”, he smirks. 

Your whole body tingled as you watched him undress until you sucked in a sharp intake of air when his cock sprang free from his cotton confinement. 

“He’s so big.”, you murmur against Eddie’s cheek as his eyes remain downcast to focus on you. “How will it fit?”

“We’ll make fit, pretty girl. Steve and I can take care of you.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah. Little one is worried about your splitting her in half. “

“Don’t worry, honey, I’m a gentleman to. I’m not going to just shove my dick inside of you. Even if it takes hours, we can eat and finger your little pussy till she’s ready.”

“Fuck, Daddy, please.”

Aggressively, Eddie opens your legs wide putting you on display and making Steve groan. 

“Wet already and no one’s even touched you yet.”, he responded mockingly before leaning over his cock to spit on his tip and stroke himself. “How tight is she, Munson?”

You moaned loudly as Eddie inserted two of his thick fingers into your cunt and your head leaned back against him.

“So fucking tight, Harrington, and greedy. Her pussy just sucks me in and chokes my dick when she cums. Add in her sexy little noises and the way her face scrunches…” 

“Open your eyes, Y/N.” Steve smiles when you do what he asks. “Good girl. She listens to. Fuck, baby, don’t take those eyes off me. God, I’m—mmm—I’m dying to feel those pretty lips around my cock.”

“You’re really good at sucking cock, aren’t you, sweetheart?”

“Y-Yes, Daddy. I’m…M’close.”

“I know, pretty girl. I can feel it. Why don’t you tell Stevie how bad you want his cum.”

You mewl as Eddie moves at a faster pace with the sound of your slick echoing around the room. 

“Please, Mr. Harrington, Sir. I-I-I want your cum so much. I want to feel you—ahhhh—feel your cock in my mouth till you spill down my throat.”

“Jesus Christ.”, he grunted and you both watched as his release hit his thigh. 

“You did so good, sweetheart. Cum for Daddy now, baby.”, Eddie praised as your back pushed against his chest and you panted as you came. “That’s my girl. Good girl. Ride it out on my fingers till you come back to me. That’s it.”

“Fucking hell. That was amazing, honey.” Steve watch with fascination as you turned your body and wrapped an arm around Eddie’s chest as you curled into his warm chest. “Everything ok?”

“She’s fine. It’s something baby girl does when she cums hard like that. She’ll squeeze me like a fucking Teddy bear and fall asleep. Sometimes it’s for a few minutes or a few hours. At first I thought it was the headspace but I don’t know. Either way I love it.”

“Yeah, man. If she had a good time and is open to it I have that party coming up in a month. You two can fly down and we can hang out. Of course, nothing has to happen. I can always just show you guys around and get to know her more.”

“I’ll let you know when she wakes up and we talk about it.”

“No problem. No problem. Hey, maybe at most, you and I can fuck around.”, Steve replies as he coyly raises his eyebrows making his friend laugh.

“Ok, calm down over there.”

“Oh, come on. Not like it would be the first time—”

“Good night, asshole.”, Eddie teases as he cuts him off and closes the laptop.

#################

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”, Eddie asks as he watches you fidget with your hands as you stare at your reflection in the metal of the elevator. 

“Yeah. I’m just a little nervous. This is your best friend and I know how much he means to you. I don’t want to…I don’t know…fuck anything up.”

“Fuck, I still think it’s hot when you get all jittery like this.”, he chuckles as he takes your palm in his. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I love you so I know for a fact he will. Just keep being your unique self, baby, and no matter what I’ll be here if you need anything.”

When he flashes you that big toothy grin, you can’t help but smile back as you lean up on your toes to kiss his lips. The doors abruptly swing open and your boyfriend’s demeanor instantly hardens at the sound of loud party guests in the room you both step into. 

Your eyes swing around the area with no sign of the host himself. 

Tugging on Eddie’s bicep, you lead him to the drink station where you desperately chug down some liquid courage as you pray that tonight goes as smoothly as possible.

[onigiriico]

Kazui audio drama (t2) - English TL

[ links: Spotify / Youtube ]

I cannot believe my hs philosophy class came in handy as I was translating this. Thanks Milgram your references never fail to astound me

Aaanyways you know how it is,, feel free to send an ask or hit me up on Twitter if you’ve got any questions or other feedback re: this translation etc 💪 (<- sincerely hoping that Twitter DMs still work these days)

⬇️ translation under the cut ⬇️

(door opens)

E: I’ve kept you waiting, Kazui.

K: It’s been a while, Warden-kun.

E: Yeah… It has been.

K: Things have gotten pretty tough inside the prison, but… well, you’ve probably heard all about that from the others already, haven’t you?

E: Yeah… I heard that you protected other prisoners from Kotoko. I owe you my thanks.

K: That much is only natural. However… she really is strong, isn’t she? I mean, I’ve experienced some fights myself, but [going up against] a woman like her was a first.

E: Hm… Is she strong enough that even you can’t stop her from doing harm?

K: Well, in cases like this, it’s generally the heavier person who ends up winning. After all, if she really does have proper killing intent, I can’t afford to let her injure anyone. It’s difficult, isn’t it.

E: Is that so…

K: I was afraid that it’d come to this from the very beginning. There’s a lot of young kids here, too. It’d be hard for anyone to keep a decent mentality in a situation like this.

E: …You’re pretty rational.

K: I wonder. Maybe it’s because I’m used to violence. Even so… I couldn’t make it for Shiina-chan. I feel responsible for [what happened to] her.

E: …

K: Well, rest assured, though. As long as I can move, I’ll be protecting [the others]. After all, it’s pretty much just me who can fight her on equal terms.

E: Mikoto, too.

K: Ah… yeah. Like back when he went out of control, right? I can’t quite read him, though… If both of them were to attack us, it’s possible that we’d suffer a total defeat. 

E: A total defeat…?

K: If that happens, this prison game would probably come to an end as well. All of that depends on your judgment, right, Warden-kun? Who will be forgiven by you and who won’t be…

E: What are you trying to say?

K: If at all possible, I would like you to choose a method that will not get any more people hurt. That’s what I’m saying.

E: So you’re telling me to forgive you?

K: (laughs) Oi, oi…! Don’t look at me like that.

E: I’m the Warden. If I forgive you, I forgive you. If I don’t, I don’t. There’s no other factors to it.

K: (sighs) Wouldn’t it be okay? I mean, this situation with prisoners being hurt wasn’t what you wanted either, was it?

E: …

K: Just pretend that you’re looking at our sins, and make your judgment with the protection of the prisoners in mind. After all, nobody can read your mind – so that much craftiness would be fine, don’t you think?

E: Hmph. That’s a very “you” kind of pretentious solution.

K: It’s the most natural conclusion, isn’t it? Do you think it’s a sin to lie in order to protect people?

E: That would be Kant.

K: Kant?

E: A philosopher who stated that lying is inherently a sin, no matter the circumstances.

K: Huh…

E: Apparently, even if your friend is being chased by a murderer and the murderer asks you about their whereabouts, you shouldn’t lie, according to Kant.

K: That’s ridiculous. If you can save someone by telling a lie, that’s what you should do.

E: However… You killed someone with your lies, didn’t you?

K: … Ah… You forgave me, didn’t you? Aren’t you being especially strict towards me?

E: Am I?

K: Mmh, it’s obvious. You said you would figure out my murder by watching the footage of my mind. Is this the result of that?

E: You were unfaithful, right? That’s stupid.

K: Hmm…

E: The reason I forgave you was because I was lacking details. I still don’t understand your true feelings or how things got to that point, either.

K: I see.

E: It was extremely hard to understand. Even with all of that poetry, though, your self-absorbed nature was more than obvious.

K: Ohh my… That’s quite the sweeping generalization, even though you forgave me.

E: It’s a personal dislike of mine. People who act based on their sexual urges like that, that is.

K: It’s personal?

E: Yeah. That’s right.

K: That’s strange. I did think that, despite being neutral as a Warden, you had some things you dislike, but…

E: …

K: Isn’t it unusual to openly reveal a personal dislike as a personal dislike?

E: You’re splitting hairs.

K: Seems like you really disliked my crime… I get it! Maybe it was because you’re so young, which is to say… …

E: Hah? Stop staring at me so openly. It’s disgusting.

K: …

E: …! (punches him)

(clattering)

E: (sighs) Now I feel better.

K: — Ow…! What are you doing all of a sudden…?!

E: It was an instinctive reaction. Don’t take it personally.

K: Would you stop just punching me in the face without hesitation? … (sighs) Anyways… that’s how it is, huh? That’s how it is…?

E: Hah?

K: I didn’t even consider this a possibility… Personal impressions sure can be scary.

E: If you say any more things than this that I don’t get, I’m hitting you again.

K: Geez, cut out the hysterics… Hmm, if it’s like this, that explains some things, though. I don’t have kids, but I’ve heard that this is what it’s like.

E: Hey. Stop blabbering on while looking like you know it all. It’s obnoxious.

K: Hahaha! But you know what? You’re wrong.

E: …? What are you talking about?

K: You’re wrong.

E: …

K: You said I was unfaithful – in other words, that I cheated or committed adultery of some kind.

E: Yeah. That’s what I deduced from your footage.

K: It’s not true. It didn’t even turn into infidelity. It didn’t turn into anything like that. For me… In my case, you see.

E: … You’re married… You’re a married man, aren’t you?

K: Hm? Yeah, that’s right. Oh, right, I never told you, did I?

E: You’ve taken off your ring.

K: … Right… I did take it off, huh. Right…

E: Yeah.

K: Mh. … I do carry it with me, though. See? – I was forgiven. My feelings were validated. So… maybe that means that I don’t have to do this anymore? Thanks to that, I was feeling better when the second trial started… I really do feel sorry about that. Towards my wife.

E: If that ring is a symbol of punishment to you… There really is nothing that could possibly be more cruel towards her.

K: Mmh.

E: Marriage is something that both partners want equally, isn’t it? It’s something you can’t do if only one person wants it. Deciding to treat it as a punishment all on your own… You’re making a mockery out of it.

K: I really am. Ah… She must have thought so as well. My wife, that is.

E: I’ve said this before: You’re a liar. Those lies have killed a person.

K: (sighs)

E: I forgave you. While I wasn’t sure yet, I thought that it didn’t seem like you killed her directly, and with all sorts of things taken into consideration, I judged that your murder was not a sin. However. That doesn’t mean that I’m praising your nature as a liar.

K: Yeah. I believe you’re right about that.

E: In short – between love and hate, [I would say] I hate you. Remember that.

K: … I get that.

E: Huh?

K: I despise myself for lying, too. Being a liar, you see – it’s painful.

E: Heh. Then just–

K: So I’ve tried to change! I’ve tried to change. I have tried to stop lying to myself and others!

E: …

K: I’ve confided in others. I’ve tried to be myself! I’ve tried to just be the way I was born!

E: …Hey, Kazui–

K: It’s not my lies that killed her. She’s dead because I stopped lying to her! If I had just kept lying- She wouldn’t have died…!

E: Kazui…

K: I can’t live unless I lie. That’s how I was born… I’m pathetic, aren’t I?

E: (sighs) I really can’t seem to understand you.

K: …

E: Just when I thought you weren’t letting out any of your true feelings and cleverly hiding your actual emotions… Now here you are, drowning in self-loathing like this.

K: (weak laugh) An old man in unstable condition… that’s not something you’d wanna see, is it. Sorry about that.

E: You know, about Kant…

K: Ah, the one who said you shouldn’t lie even if your friend might get killed.

E: From his point of view, if your friend dies because you didn’t lie, there’s no causal connection between the two… or so I’ve heard.

K: I don’t think so, though…

E: Even if you don’t lie, your friend might survive. And if you do lie, your friend might end up dying on a different occasion. That’s the reason why you’re supposed to always tell the truth.

K: …That’s convincing.

E: It’s not really.

K: Yeah, it’s not.

E: It may not be, but… I thought that for someone who has failed in their attempts to be honest, it might be a [saving] grace so they won’t end up doubting honesty in its entirety.

K: …

E: I still don’t know what happened, but… isn’t it okay to be proud that you made an effort to be honest in the first place?

K: … You’re so kind all of a sudden.

E: I just said what I was thinking. And besides – I forgave you. I made it as if your sin wasn’t a sin at all. And yet, you don’t seem the slightest bit relieved.

K: I know right.

E: Everyone else seems more or less liberated by the fact that they were forgiven.

K: That’s right.

E: Just from that… I understand that having your feelings approved of by someone else can have a major impact on the development of one’s personality.

K: …

E: However… You have not forgiven yourself. That’s why you can’t change.

K: …

E: Alternatively, even if your lying self was forgiven… it would still do nothing to help you.

K: …Aah, you really are impressive. You think so much.

E: I am watching over ten troublesome prisoners, after all. Even if I don’t want to, I’m being relied on.

K: I haven’t forgiven myself… even if my lies are forgiven, it won’t resonate [with me]. It might just be both of these. All the lies I’ve told are tying me down. Ever since I was little, I’ve never truly opened myself to anyone. But in the end, people can’t be saved if they don’t [open up]. And by now, it’s gotten to a point where I can’t do it by myself anymore…

(machinery whirrs, bell rings)

K: I did think Milgram would be able to force its way past that, though.

E: Is that an attempt at provocation?

K: You didn’t manage to reach my sin.

E: …

K: Even though I want you to… Milgram isn’t so great after all, is it?

E: …Heh. Don’t push yourself too hard, after all that whining from earlier.

K: Ha. [This is] the wish of a liar who’s reached a dead end – come and figure out my lies, Milgram. And, Es… please, free me from these lies.

E: Yeah. Leave it to me. – Prisoner no.7, Kazui. Sing your sins.

[honeyhotteoks]

do you have any advice on like getting better with writing?

hey! i definitely do!! i’ve talked about this before but i have a lot of new readers, so ill start off by saying i’ve been writing for my entire life, and im 30 so thats a lot of years. if you’re a new writer, trust me i used to be there and good god if you guys could see the stuff i published in old fandoms 💀 really, really bad haha

i only say that because i by no means consider myself a great writer, there are fic writers in this space alone that i’m always so floored by and look up to…. but people have been very kind about my writing style and it’s something that took time to develop it’s not something i just “had”. outside of fic, i was a literature and creative writing major, and got very used to writing and workshopping pieces.

now! onto some actual advice —

1. read a lot and read more, but read stuff you actually like and not stuff you feel pressured to read. i love high brow litfic as much as the next pretentious english major, but i started writing a ton after reading a bunch of kindle unlimited romance because it was fun and it got me inspired

2. watch well written television for dialogue and pacing. people do not talk in proper english, they don’t say things eloquently, and there’s a lot of filler and fluff. that’s good! that’s real, so i love well written tv to show me how it’s done

3. get comfortable writing in weird ways. for years i used to sit down and be like “ah okay so chapter one” and then i was stuck, stalled out, and just felt bad about the process. when i started writing both aurora and tnt, i started in the middle. i had an image of a scene in my mind (for tnt it was actually the claim attempt) and i just wrote it out and then bounced around later

4. outlines are your friend! sometimes i’ll get a random line of dialogue in my head or an image but that doesn’t mean i’m ready to write it. i throw it in one big outline so i don’t lose it.

5. if you’re wanting to write really good smut i have two suggestions but please only do this to your personal comfort level. this is what works for me but do not make yourself uncomfortable— for good smut, i watch porn for reference and for good dirty talk, i listen to nsfw audio. i like to really write the visuals for smut and make it immersive but lol i haven’t experienced everything ive written about and logistics of the body are hard!! i usually find a video or an audio and let that help guide the imagery im writing.

6. be comfortable with the editing process. i know the temptation to post something the minute you finish it is there, but sleep on it. come back and edit it, read the dialogue out loud if you have to. i swear you’ll make the piece better just by leaving it and coming back.

7. don’t be afraid to post. most people are kind, and the worst thing that will happen is you don’t get a lot of notes. that’s okay, it’s a process.

8. research! as i’m writing anything, even a silly little oneshot, im doing research on something. i am hyper aware that im not korean and have never spoken korean or lived in korea, so for my fic i try my hardest to ground elements of that in reality. i truly cannot tell you how many hours ive spent reading like korean case law on revenge porn just for like 3 lines of dialogue. and you don’t have to go that crazy, i’m arguably too intense, but i do think some of that helps the story and the dialogue feel real.

9. describe something real- every place in my writing is based on something real. every apartment, hotel, cafe, venue, etc., they’re all either something i’ve found online or drawn from my life and use that to my advantage. i use apartment listings and save photographs, i do google map walks to see what neighborhoods look like, anything to get the feel of a place or an experience. for the christmas chapters of aurora, i watched hours of gwangju walking tour videos on youtube while i was writing just to understand how to describe their walk in the snow. it really helps me to have a visual that i can put words to.

10. find your weak points and see what other writers do differently. if you want to improve, you should find a small place to start. is it dialogue? overall plot? smut? etc. - i’ll never forget being on a creative writing retreat, and a very important writing professor said to me “everything you write is very pretty but you haven’t said anything. you have to decide to say something.” that feedback hurt, but sent me down a much better writing path when i realized where i was falling short and not challenging myself.

okay i hope some of this was helpful and if it’s a mess im sorry im on mobile. i really just love writing so deeply and will always talk about it, so i hope this was helpful 💗

[when-november-ends]

witchcraft things

that didn't work for me

and why

- kitchen witchcraft

i love cooking and i love working with plants, however incorporating spells into my food didn't work for me. i got way too distracted by the spell part, that i completely forgot to make the food taste good. and as much as i love magic, it took the fun out of cooking for me. because now, cooking wasn't something fun where i could experiment with flavors and textures, it was something i had to put thought into beforehand. and i like to be spontaneous with my cooking.

- protection spells

protection spells seem to be the most important part of the witchcraft community. and i do think it's important to know how protection magic works, but it's also very unnecessary to have protections up 24/7 if you're not famous or have many enemies. i tend to forget about my protection spells, so they just sit on my altar, untouched for months and i forget to make new ones. hasn't hurt me so far tho, so i'll be saving those up for when and if i actually need them.

- casting a circle

not gonna lie, i tried that once and never again. it felt so pretentious to me.. like i was in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. and not in a good way. i stumbled across that practice on witchtok first, that was when i thought i was wrong for practicing my way and not how other people said i should. i don't think casting a circle is a bad thing to do, but it absolutely is a bad thing to do for me.

- bowl spells

bowl spells are one of my favorite kinds of spells because they're interactive. you put things in, you take things out. the energy doesn't feel stagnant and the spell is always working it's magic as long as you interact with it. ....but unfortunately my adhd made it very clear to me that those kinds of spells aren't something that works for me. i forget about them 5 minutes after i made them and they never get interacted with, so they don't do much of what they're supposed to. i would definitely recommend them to people who remember to take out and put in stuff tho, because the concept is great.

- scrying

gods, did i want that to work. divination is my favorite kind of witchcraft and i'm great at it! so when i learned about scrying, it was something i immediately got interested in and tried. i tried fire and water. fire worked a bit better, because the flames are dancing and water is reflective. that meant for me, i was always seeing things in it that were physically there, and couldn't concentrate on the scrying part. honestly i don't really remember why the fire method didn't work out, but i assume i got distracted really fast or lost in my thoughts.

- veiling

veiling can be done for many reasons. mine was, that i wanted to use it as a way to protect myself from all the different types of energy in public places. every person has their own life, with their own problems and their own current state of being. and since i have social anxiety, i thought veiling would be worth a try so that public places perhaps wouldn't get overwhelming as fast. well, that backfired because before i could try it, i realized i was trans and the head covering made me feel very dysphoric when i put it on at home. i never attempted anything similar again after that.

- ancestor work

i lost someone really close to me in early 2020. she wasn't a blood relative, but she was my dad's best friend, our landlord (who lived in the same house as we did by the way) and she saw me grow up since i was a baby. i was so desperate to try and talk to her. i tried to reach her myself, i asked other witches for help, but it never worked. after a while i decided to let her be, because the constant getting my hopes up and then being disappointed didn't help my mental health. i just wanted to know if she was okay now, but i think i just have to trust that she is. as for my other ancestors, i don't know anything about them and i am not really interested in finding out. i wasn't close with any of my great grandparents because we saw each other about once a year until they died. they didn't do anything wrong, but i don't want to force a connection.

- dragon work

damn. i really love dragons. all my life and with all my heart. and i truly believe that they are out there (not physically, like dinosaurs were, but in a similar way the gods are out there). i've done a lot of research on the topic, but my mental health got in the way. i don't have the concentration to reach out to them, nor will i be able to dedicate a specific amount of time to them regularly, which i feel like they won't like. i will try again when and if i get better, but until then it goes on this list of witchcraft things that didn't work for me and why.

[aemiron-main]

el’s nina glitching and some of the shot choices during this scene

Okay, so, I have So Many Thoughts All The Time about nina and the footage and all the weird shit with it and this post is so true but something that also caught my eye here is the way that kid in the background changes- they become larger when El becomes older (it’s easier to see when watching the gif in motion). This is REALLY interesting to me.

Why is it interesting to me? Because like i talked about in this post (and am currently finishing up a full analysis on), sometimes, the kids during the nina sequences during the massacre straight up turn into adults between shots. I wonder if that’s what’s happening here with El- and if so, why is it happening?

And regarding what you said about deepfake El and the glitch and “is this really just for us?”, I completely agree that there’s more to it because for the audience, “this is actually younger El/we aren’t going to deepfake her the whole time” was already established when she looked in the mirror and the audience saw her younger self reflected in the mirror.

And going back to what I said earlier about the kid behind El changing size when she glitches- that’s even more interesting considering this mirror shot because that kid is the same size behind non mirror/older el in this shot vs younger/mirror el, and yet, changes when El glitches.

And here’s something that’s REALLY getting me about that glitch gif- Henry’s arm changes too. It’s way, way easier to see in motion than in screenshots, but if you rewatch the gif and focus on his arm, it 100% changes.

I was talking in this post the other day about how there seems to be multiple versions of Henry during that NINA opening sequence, and this seems to tie into that. Look at his sleeve when the glitch happens- there’s zero reason for it to change, but it DOES.

And also- it’s very, very interesting to me that during this glitch, they gave us almost an OTS shot from Henry’s pov looking at El. They could’ve chosen any shot, hell, they ALSO gave us a side profile shot of the glitch, and yet, they chose to show us Henry seemingly seeing the glitch.

Which, I have a LOT to say about the fact that we repeatedly see directly through Henry’s eyes during multiple nina scenes, but that’s a whole analysis in and of itself.

And regarding what you said about El’s memories and the footage, again, there’s SO much weirdness with that in general, but regarding this particular shot, it’s really interesting to me that they didn’t show us what things looked like through El’s eyes when she glitched- because I wouldn’t be surprised if Henry looked different when she glitched, just like how we see his arm change. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the reason why they’re hiding El’s pov from us in this scene. And digging more into El’s pov/use of POV in general in this scene with the glitch, there’s a few more things that I want to note.

First of all, look at how Henry looks before the glitch vs after:

Look at his hair. It’s definitely styled differently between the two shots, and the background goes from clear to blurred, and the colour grading seems to change slightly too. Henry’s body language and demeanour also changes- his head is held higher in the first shot, and his eyebrows are raised differently than the second shot. The Henry in the second shot looks almost calmer, gentler, trying to be on El’s level.

Especially when we consider this shot, which happens right before we get the shot of the Henry with the blurred out bg/gentler Henry:

Henry here almost looks emptier, or more smug, there’s just something different about his expression and demeanour (and his hair) compared to blurred bg Henry.

It’s almost like the first shot with non-blurred bg Henry is what Actual 14 Year Old El is seeing (OTS shot of her being taller) whereas the second shot with blurred bg Henry is almost like What 8 Year Old El is seeing/possibly what she saw in 1979.

And now, let’s look at the general shot progression during this scene as a whole. We get an El OTS shot of Henry, and then we get a shot of 1986 El that seems to be through Henry's eyes, which is strange, because why would he be seeeing 1986 El instead of 1979 El?

Now take a look at this shot with El. It's on her face, directly across from her- exactly where Henry was standing. Almost as if it's through his eyes. But again, if it's through his eyes, then why is he seeing 1986 El?

This shot is really interesting to me because we zoom in on the mirror- almost like what’s happening in the shots after this should all be viewed via the mirror reflection/in the “mirror world.”

As well, get this almost OTS shot near Henry's arm of 8 year old El. But why is he seeing 1979 El instead of the 1986 El he was just seeing? Earlier, I mentioned the idea of El seeing two different Henries- and so, I wonder if the same would apply to Henry seeing two different versions of El. Especially since like I mentioned in the beginning, when El changes from younger to older, Henry's arm changes too. It's like there's a Henry that coincides with young El and a Henry that coincides with older El. I also almost wonder if this ties into the “mirror world,” somehow, with younger El being the El reflected in the mirror vs one of the Henries (the one that coincides with younger el) being the Henry that’s reflected in the mirror?

And then we get this side view, which is an interesting choice, because it hides what El looks like in the mirror reflection from us when she’s glitching. We also, interestingly enough, never see Henry glitch from El’s pov- in fact, we don’t see anything glitch from El’s pov. We see things like the lights flickering above Henry, but we never see this sort of overlaid younger vs older glitch from El’s pov, and I have to wonder if Henry was also glitching (esp bc his arm also changes when el glitches) and we just couldn’t see it because we never got El’s pov during the glitch.

Again, this side profile shot is interesting because it hides what El looks like in the mirror, but also hides what Henry looks like IRL/from El’s pov.

We then seem to get Henry’s pov again where he’s watching El glitch, which is an interesting choice, because why not show nina itself glitching from El’s pov? Why cut to Henry’s pov of all people?

This is where Henry starts looking different during this section. Interestingly enough, this is also an OTS shot from the pov of *younger El/1979 El*, which, the other Henry, from the first few screenshots in this sequence, was an OTS shot from the POV of *older El/1986 El*, which further points towards the idea of two Henries (one that coincides with younger El and one that coincides with older El).

Like it’s just very interesting to me that we got one version of Henry earlier and then we could NOT see Henry’s face when the glitching was happening, and then after the initial glitching, he looks totally different.

And his arm continues to change in sync with every time El glitches, but we still never see his face at the moment that a glitch is occurring. It’s just strange to me that rather than having the lab glitch around El, they instead chose to have her glitch within the lab. Like sure, the lab “glitches,” with the lights and with all the doors leading to the rainbow room, but we don’t directly see other people glitch in the same way that El does- even though we do get a brief glimpse of things like Henry’s arm changing and the kid behind El changing when the glitching happens.

And now, after a few more of the same sort of back and forth shots between El and Henry, we’re back to that side view before Brenner comes in. Yet again, El’s mirror reflection is hidden from us, and Henry’s irl body is hidden from us.

Also worth noting that Brenenr was telling El to “remember”- so which of these shots are her actual memories vs which is nina footage vs which is through Henry’s eyes/his memories?

Something that also haunts me is this pic of Henry in the nina bunker:

Was Henry getting Nina'd at the same time at El? Let's say that normal lab Henry didn't get sent to superhell, like just for the sake of debate, setting Vecna aside (as imo it's starting to look more and more like 'multiple Henries' is a possibility), Henry would be 39 in 1986- and this pic of Henry in the nina bunker could very well be him. This may also explain why Henry seems more aware than the other participants in nina. And regardless of whether or jot there’s multiple Henries, all just very weird, especially the fact that Henry’s arm changes AND the kid behind El changes when she glitches, and the fact that we get those shots of El glitching from Henry’s POV *and* that initial shot of 1986 El that’s shot through Henry’s eyes.

Something is very much not right here.

Henry what's goin on with your shoes here bud

[jawllines]

Olivia, hi! I don't know if you are gonna reply to this but turns out I can't keep my weird fucking thoughts to myself. I tried ignoring it for the last two days but I can't anymore. I know this is sad time and I'm not sure if what I'm gonna share is appropriate for the this time. Excuse me for my overthinking. But yeah, my coping mechanism is escapism I think. So I have been reading your fics that I hadn't read before. I was reading the Prince Harry and Chambermaid Y/N story. And I sent you an ask about the part 4 because I don't know if you have a part 4 to that. Maybe on patreon. Because it felt like there should have been more after how part 3 ended.

Now my problem is, whenever I read your stories, be it a one part or multiple parts, I love how you build the worlds and I love your characters. They're truly magical and even though I don't relate to them I certainly connect with them. And when the story ends I don't feel any sense of loss. Yes I do want to see what happens next with them but I don't dwell on it because how you end your stories is satisfactory for me. But oh my God I'm feeling this incredible loss after I finished reading Prince Harry fic. Like this is on a weird level how I am just immersed in their story and world. It's so fucking beautiful. I have been thinking constantly about them and what must have happened next but I also don't wanna think about it myself because I want to know what you would have done? Does that make sense? For other stories I'd just make up scenarios in my head but this time i just don't want to do this. And it feels like I lost them, i lost my dearest friends and someone close to me after I finished reading. Like "oh my God I won't get to see anything new about them!". And it made me so sad. Because there were so many things I wanted to see.

I wanted to see how they'd navigate sex now that she doesn't have the purpose of pleasing Edgar. Would he tell her how she saved his life, would she realise that she's in love with him, would he tell her he loves her, how are they gonna go about it if they confess and decide to be together, would he ask her if she thought about Edgar the whole time they were being intimate in the beginning, would he keep his promise of "putting my tongue inside you"?

Would Harry leave the royals like his uncle and leave a quiet life with her, would he ever lose his temper and burst infront of their parents and yell out everything that tormented him since childhood and would he tell them that Edgar is not the perfect son and he's the reason why Harry behaved the way he did, would his parents feel guilty? Would he tell them that he's alive because of the Chambermaid? I wanted to see his mother coming to his room and just spending time with him telling him she's sorry and she loves him and just doting on him. I wanted to see Harry become responsible and wanting to do something on his own.

Wanted to see more of his possessiveness and what happens when they don't know how the other feels and then she sees him talking to a princess in another royal gathering (that she had to work hard for and didn't get to spend much time with Harry last few days) and that princess is trying to get all over him and she gets jealous and Harry just knows that she has feelings for him too (but he's gonna tease her about it first of course), would she admit her feelings to him or would he have to work hard to get her to say her feelings out loud? Also wanted to see their friendship being stronger before they get intimate again and he teaches her new things.

What happens to Edgar, how does he react to Harry and the Chambermaid being close friends, what do their parents think about him after knowing everything he did to Harry, is he still suitable to be a king, does he feel guilty? Does he change and try to be sincere instead of pretentious? Does he make up to Harry? Does their relationship improve?

There are so many things I wanted to see happening and this time I just can't let it go. And weirdly enough I feel guilty that I'm stuck there and I feel like that's not fair to you because it's your story and you can write it the way you want, I don't have a say in it. But God it's bothering me. I think it's because I wanted an escape from reality but this world you created in this story turned out to be too hard for me to let go. And I'm so fucking confused with everything I'm feeling. Trust me I have tried to read other fics to just avoid thinking about it but I just come back to it inevitably and feel more sad. It's honestly pathetic the way I'm letting it affect me. I'm sorry

oh WOW!!!! WOW WOW I REALLY DIDNT REALIZE THAT THERE WERE SO MANY QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED!! IM SO SORRY D: sometimes it’s just hard, especially when a fic has a specific premise (royalty AUS), i have to be in a certain mindset to write it! when i lose the mindset or have been writing something else it can be kind of hard to get back into the flow of the story

I WILL TRY!! i’ll read through the fic and try and get into the same flow from before and write more for it!!

and don’t apologize!! i’m really happy that my writing can leave you with a sense of longing, that means you really enjoyed it!! thank you so much for reading it and getting so immersed!!

[hikarry]

There should be more Good Omens x Supernatural crossovers

Fanart, fanfics, idc

Just

Castiel and Aziraphale's relationship would be fucking bomb! Hell, even Sam and Aziraphale's! They could be fucking nerds together

And don't get me stared on Crowley and Dean's dynamic! I just know they would absolutely annoy the fuck out of each other but become fast friends that just, ya know, thrive over fucking roasting each other but they would geek out over the other's car and music together. Just 🤌🏻 Crowley taking the shit out of Dean for him not only being American, but from bloody Texas of all places and Dean making a fake atupid British accent to annoy the shit out of Crowley because

Dean: "Look at me. Im a stupid demon that of all places in the world chose to become a fucking honorary Brit. How I love myself my stupid little tea at noon and pretend like I'm better than everybody else"

Crowley; "Listen here, you bloody Yankee, first off, tea is not my thing. Good whiskey, me. And I'm not bloody British! I'm a demon!"

Dean: "You sure act like one, posh bastard"

Crowley; "Posh? It's called having bloody manners! You fucking Americans must have lost them when you killed all the bloody natives and then came up with a stupid arse of a holiday to pretend you are the good guys"

Dean: "Says the Brit. Just the guys that enslaved half of the world and killed the other half."

Crowley: "I am not fucking British!"

Aziraphale: "He's right, Dean, dear. Technically we are not British. We don't have any nationality. We can speak every language and are nationless. Besides, we weren't involved with Britain's colonization. Actually, I believe Crowley spent most of his time in Iceland back in that century."

Crowley: "Oh yeah. We can speak every language but French, eh?"

Aziraphale: "We don't talk about that."

Castiel: "What's the problem with French?"

Crowley: "The problem is Aziraphale is absolute shit at it. It almost got him discorporated back in the French Revolution. Heavens, he can barely order a crepe when we go to Paris."

Castiel: "Why? It's in our nature to speak every language"

Aziraphale: "Oh for the love of all that's holy....I just decided to learn it the hard way, yes? Thought it might be fun."

Crowley: "Yeah. Just like the magic lessons you took. Which you are also shit at, by the way."

Sam: "Can't you like, do real magic?"

Crowley: "Precisely. But angel over here decided human magic was fun."

Aziraphale: "And I am correct! It's not my fault you are a cinic!"

Crowley: "You mean realistic. Every time I've seen you try to perform magic it's an absolute disaster. Embarrassing even."

Aziraphale: "Ah yes? What about my photo trick back in the 40s? Saved us, did it not?"

Crowley: "You did good there, yes. But, fucking Heavens angel-"

Dean: "Okay whatever. Let the fucking Brits have their little fight. We have work to do. Sammy, did you manage to locate the demon?"

Sam: "Actually, Aziraphale did."

Aziraphale: "It was quite easy, really. Crowley and I have dealt with them before"

Crowley: "You mean I saved your arse from them before"

Dean: "Oh for fucks sake, just let's go. Sammy, Cas, cmon."

Aziraphale: "Are you sure you don't want us to go? We could help."

Dean: "No. You both stay. Make up and makeout or whatever it is you do in your free time. We don't need you in the way"

Crowley: "Aziraphale, let's go. We gonna try and find some decent restaurant in this bloody city. Let them screw themselves. They will come begging for help before you know it"

Dean: "We've been dealing with demons for years, you pretentious fuck. We dunnot need your fucking help."

Crowley: "We've been alive for all the existence of humanity and have saved the world twice now."

Dean: "Big thing. We do that every other week. Open your mouth when you fight fucking God and then we will talk."

Sam: "Okay, okay, enough. You two go and do whatever it is that you want to do. We will reach out if we need help."

Aziraphale: "Jolly good. Come on, my dear. I've seen an amazing sushi restaurant down the street that looks decent enough."

[spaydekingcayde]

girl help people on a platform I’m not going to specify are mad at me for liking Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian or The Evening Redness In The West (1985) because they think it’s a horrible gross on purpose no-redeeming-qualities shouldn’t-exist book that nobody should like or engage with because that means they’re a gore loving freak that isn’t worthy of human life and it’s making me mad because of the sheer missing-the-point and illiteracy on display and also don’t tell these people about the entirety of the splatterpunk genre.

you’re feeling the way the author meant to make you feel if you came into this expecting a dashing cowboy saves the maiden from the dirty Indian type story you are sorely mistaken and you are going to get something that is based not just in historical facts but took great care to subvert the expectations of the western genre at the time. You are not supposed to like or romanticize any of these characters. You are supposed to be horrified and disgusted.

If you go into something like blood Meridian expecting a sweet meow meow babygirl to shake around like a babydoll you will not have this here. unless you’re an insane fucking freak like me but that’s aside from the point and I’m critiquing the vehement fandomization things like BM have a tendency to get.

I’m sorry to be pretentious on main but people genuinely if they’re disgusted or uncomfortable with subject matter in a book react immediately with “this has 0 value what so ever��� or “this should not exist because the author is making me feel the way they want me to feel and I, personally, don’t like it and am going to project this value arbitrarily on everyone and insist the people who do lie outside this dichotomy are secretly terrible people.”

Like I’m not going to demand that everyone like the same things I do or that this book is infallible and above critique. I myself have an issue with McCarthy — as a white author mind you — using the hard ER copiously throughout the book (with the only even vaguely justifiable reason being commitment to historical accuracy in a pre-Civil War America) and some of the scenes being a bit “you could have illustrated your point you’re trying to make and the sheer raw violence of this time period and the characters’ livelihoods without This” but to write the entire thing off feels dishonest and like you aren’t engaging with the book in good faith and are only engaging with it because you want to dog on it instead of practicing stepping back and looking at the bigger pictures in entirety.

Nothing is perfect and nothing is devoid of value either. I guess because I can stomach more extreme content I have a completely different outlook on BM outside of its elements that often turn people away, but people can genuinely be so cruel when your values do not align with theirs.

[epithet-beloved]

hihi um. i love the platonic sylvie imagines here,, could i request autistic sylvie hcs and/or sylvie with a reader his age whos special interest is also psychology…….

AUTISTIC SYLVIE THOUGHTS!

synopsis… Autistic traits Sylvie exhibits, and how he bonded with someone with a similar special interest!

ft. Sylvester “Sylvie” Ashling, Molly Blyndeff (mentioned)

tags… fluff, autism headcanon, i don't know anything about psychology save for basics oops

word count… 728

a/n… uhmmmm hiiii do you guys remember us… being an adult is difficult guys why do we do it. anyway. autism. i am not OFFICIALLY diagnosed myself (to which my friend immediately went "you were stimming so hard at the movie today bffr"), but i suspect i am and i also relate to sylvie so a good bit of this is projection ✧ 🦝

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Lovingly, have you seen this kid?

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 It goes without saying that no one in Epithet Erased is neurotypical but we’re not here to discuss that today.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sylvie was diagnosed fairly early in life, some amount of time before he jumped a few grades.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 He doesn’t really like acknowledging his diagnosis.  Unfortunately, upon getting diagnosed, the most exposure he had to autism was his uncle, and characters that fit the "genius" stereotype on TV.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 So, of course, Sylvie absorbed the pretentiousness from these sources trying to learn about himself.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Like, is it not just canon that he uses the “neurodivergent and a minor” excuse to everything online?

“Huh–?”  Molly blinks at Sylvie’s phone screen, opened on social media, but the way he chose to phrase the reply…  “Sylvie, I-I don’t think you should say that sort of thing!” “I’m literally neurodivergent and a minor.  This ‘adult’ is the one arguing with ME!”  Sylvie defends himself with a huff, missing the way Molly gives him a look that’s a mix between disappointment and disbelief. Isn’t Sylvie always the one saying he isn’t a kid?

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sylvie didn’t really have a lot of friends as a child, considering how he tends to act around others.  Pretentious and defensive – it’s hard to get through to the Sylvie that’s more vulnerable and actually nice.  He’s mostly in environments of predominantly neurotypical people, and he finds himself in conflict of whether he should mask or not.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 He finds his stims embarrassing for example.  His most common ones are fiddling with and pushing up his glasses, pacing, talking to himself, and messing with his hair.  He also flaps his hands when excited but tries to stop himself from doing so, calling it ‘childish.’

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 His biggest stim of all?  Playing with his yo-yo.  It’s also a comfort item.  When commuting places or even just needing to do something with his hands, he’ll find himself using his yo-yo.  He tries to say he wouldn’t die without it, but he’s definitely more tense if he can’t use it.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 His special interests include psychology (duh) and epithets.  Things he can study.  However, he has a hyperfixation on card games that comes and goes when it feels like it.  Sylvie can be really distracted by games like Horizontal Pilot Command, so much that he can procrastinate on work, making him feel bad about it afterwards.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Meltdowns are “shamefully” common for Sylvie, and he needs a lot of time to ground himself.  He usually keeps to his room and uses his sheep to rest on or surround himself with.  The fluff is therapy sometimes.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 So socially, Sylvie struggles, it’s true.  He knows it, but a little worm of denial in his head tries to say it’s because he’s superior to these people, or something like that.  So, meeting someone who's similar to him means the world.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sylvie with low empathy, and a friend who has high empathy?  Dynamic duo.  Sylvie can wonder if he’s just a jerk due to his low empathy, and he can seek reassurance for it.  A friend can help him feel less like a terrible person.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 His favourite joke is when someone asks him for something, he goes “no,” while doing exactly as asked.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sylvester meeting someone with a psychology special interest?  He’s in literal heaven.  Two little nerds keep talking about things that make even full grown adults feel dizzy listening to.

“Ah, like Pavlov,” you say with a nod when Sylvie finishes his study help suggestion.  The chocolate in hand is an incentive to finish the page you’re scouring through. Sylvie perks up.  “Well, yeah!  Behaviourism is really important in Pavlov’s theory.  The more a behaviour is repeated, the more it affects the mind.” “Mhm!  Although I do like B. F. Skinner’s suggestion too,” comes your reply, and Sylvie feels his jaw fall slack at the fact you even know his name.  “Stimulus first, then response, then reinforce that response.” “Exactly!”  Sylvie sits up, louder than you ever heard him.  The study session was quickly brushed aside in favour for now bringing up the founders of behaviourism.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 Sylvie doesn’t know anyone else his age with his diagnosis, so it really opens his eyes being with you.  And, not to mention, he finally has a friend who really gets him.  Where would he be without you, eh?  Or, so he jokes, but you can tell he’s serious.

[regretevatorforrealrep]

.,Wallter walks up to the painting and knocks on it, aware of whats behind it."Glevil, May i enter and have a chat with you for a moment?"Wallter waits for a moment and eventually hears the sound of hopping metal reminiscent of Mark. But of course it was gonna sound like that! Glevil is a Mannequin just like..him........"You aren't one of us. You shouldn't be here" said Glevil.Wallter says "Well yes, I am infact not a wood mannequin. However i do know one of you and i want to tell you something about him." trying to convince Glevil to fucking let him in for a moment".. Well fine." Glevil pushes the painting away leaving a hole in the wall in the shape of itWallter jumps inside but ends up getting stuck in the wall"Ah, It appears that I'm stuck in the wall. Glevil can you help me out here?"Glevil just stares at Wallter with it's smile turning into a disappointed frownGlevil walks up to Wallter and pulls him out of the wall, Getting him inside the SPOOKY CULT ROOM!!!!"Why thank you my friend, Now i must state that this information may be upsetting,-" Wallter said before getting interrupted "Just tell me already." Glevil said, Feeling impatient and just waiting for this outsider to get out of the room and stop interrupting the mannequins from praising Glevil like a messenger of god."My acquaintance Mannequin Mark turned into... Uh..," Wallter gets a can of Grey stuff and the Mannequin Mark plushie bursts through the ceiling and shines a bright light in the room"Howdy partner!,-" Plushie Mark says before looking down and seeing Glevil "oh. Its you.." Plushie Mark said uncomfortably as Glevil just stares at him with a clearly forced smile"Yeesh you're still as creepy as i remember.." Plushie Mark said.Mark, Wallter and Glevil just stare at eachother for a moment"So this is where you have been.,-" Glevil said before getting interrupted by plsuhie mark "Shut yer' mouth fleshlover." said Plushie Mark in a slightly annoyed tone (remember that one thing Mark said in the first fanfic?)"You shouldn't talk to your kind like that. You're still a Mannequin no matter what you do" Glevil said. "And why do you look like this?" Glevil asked, Genuinely confused by how the fuck Mannequin Mark turned from wood to fabric."Long story short, I sold my soul!" Plushie Mark said in an enthusiastic toneWallter just stares at Mark after he said that."Uh.. T' save the world from th' straights!" Plushie Mark said."How exactly can you still..talk in this form?" Glevil asked"Oh! Well-," Tamari appears and interrupts Plushie Mark. "We only take the physical form of these plushies because our organs and flesh are simply a hallucination and reflection of light, We don't have a physical form since reality can't handle the creator of everything being here. Soo we sorta have to be plushies or objects until we decide to physically transform back into ourselves. But that's temporary and takes energy and multiple clones of yourself to do. Plus the flesh of others!" The Tamari plushie said."Wait.. Th' flesh of others? Does that mean that while we were.. wait. WHY IN TARNATION DID YOU-" Plushie Mark gets interrupted by Tamari plush again "Its a requirement!" Tamari plush said in a happy enthusiastic tone"Interesting.. Wallter can you get out of the room now?" Glevil said in a pretentious kind voice."Sure. I'll leave now.," Wallter jumps out of the room and Plushie Mark fades away along with the Tamari plushie.The mannequins circle around Glevil as it chants some shit trying to get in contact with one of the plushie godssuddenly a teddy bear with a bow appearsGlevil then says "I want to free myself from this physical mortal body and take control of the-,""Nuh uh!" the teddy bear said.the teddy bear then turns Glevil into a non-sentient mannequin and flies away

IS THAT AN ENTIRE FANFIC???

-Mod Folly

[tellmeallaboutit]

Well, I have to ask you: how would you describe your writing style? And what was something you worried about when you first started that seems inconsequential now?

☺️

Oh, thank you for the ask so much! Since I analyse this a lot, in myself and others, this is going to be a long post. Please note that there are explicit excerpts from my writing (incl. ref. to non-con) later in text.

WRITING STYLE

Linguistically, I try to keep the language very simple and avoid purple prose at all costs (unless purple prose is the point). I use a lot of stylistic gimmicks like stream of consciousness:

And you licked her wound, and you sucked her blood and it poured over your face and it was divine and it hit you hard and you were in heaven finally finally you could have as much as you wanted so much blood and she cut her skin open some more, clean, delicious cuts, and it was oh so good

Or personification of feelings here:

You were left with nothing but the echoes of your own thoughts, which was a far worse confinement than the cell. Guilt, patiently biding its time after being so mercilessly pushed aside, now decided to pay you a visit, whispering that... "It's all your fault, of course," it said. "From the beginning to the bitter end. From entering the House of Hope to ending up in this wretched place." A small, choked sob escaped you as bitter tears made their way down your cheeks. "And the people of Baldur's Gate will perish because you weren't there for them," the guilt continued. "Karlach, Wyll, Gale and all the others, they'll meet their end too, thanks to you being rotten beyond redemption. Don't forget the children - they won't be spared either. Tiny little Illithids."

Or intrusive thoughts here:

He continued to fuck you, and made a point of not touching you anywhere that might be remotely pleasurable. (But you're still soaking wet, aren't you? That's what you were baiting him for. You just wanted to save yourself the shame of actually asking. Yes, you wanted the big bad, you wanted to fuck the devil, but not the responsibility, did you?) Perhaps if you gave in to his obscene talk, he would finally spill inside you. (Oh yes, admit it. Tell him what you truly are).

As far as genres go, it's always a mixture of humour and horror/thriller, just the proportions of that mixture vary work by work.

In terms of smut, I always include moments that are intentionally uncomfortable / unsettling for the reader; either too much, or too realistic, or a weird kink, or a misunderstanding, or something else that doesn't go smoothly between the characters. If the sex went perfectly, that's certainly a creepy element in itself.

The other thing is that I always try to create this page-turner, extremely fast-paced, extremely high tension and suspenseful narrative. There are very few moments where the characters get a break. It creates a bit of ADHD, erratic, "slow-the-fuck-down" feeling in my prose.

In terms of recurring themes, they are sex, power, politics, abuse and the nature of evil.

THINGS I USED TO WORRY ABOUT NOW I NO LONGER DO

Being a "good" writer and having my work have some artistic/cultural value and not just a porno thrill. As soon as I let go of that and was happy to be who I am: a smut writer with a focus on dark themes (so porno thrills in my book), my writing dropped a lot in terms of pretentiousness and trying to pretend it's something it's not. If I ever want to write something deeper than that, I will, but I found it very liberating to decide for myself that I didn't have to.

My earlier pre-AO3 writing had a lot of that ooooh look how well-read I am pretentiousness

[sanitizedsubject]

on the subject of gmod addons...

the "removal" is blatantly surface level and half assed

every reupload i've seen has stayed up, and thats not even counting alternative sources like gamebanana (oldhead source for source engine game mod stuff, reputable in my eyes), im still rocking rival octoling PM

also i love gmod and i love your stuff ive seen so far!!!! it's way higher quality then i usually expect from posing stuff (as much as I love doing it myself rarely)

First of all: thank you. Using gmod was an artistic choice, at the risk of sounding pretentious?? The uncanny valley source feeling was really intended to draw out just how hollow pistachio felt (in different ways!) throughout the story.

I especially am still VERY PROUD of the Squidbeak’s apartment. It’s actually smaller than it is in narrative, so I tried to use camera angles and deliberately kept doors closed to make it seem bigger. (Really, I think it’s smallness still came across, which actually might’ve made it BETTER?) the map was on the workshop, but I did a lot of texture editing/refurnishing. Pistachio’s room was the most extreme example.

Most people I’ve told are a little scared to learn that I did not use a posing mod. I used the physgun the whole way through. Most of the quality came from an abuse of lighting engines and camera angles. The models are VERY chibi so I was constantly trying to get across in their body language that these weren’t like… little kids, they were teenagers trying their best to rapidly mature.

Favorite example of that is PROBABLY this video from the start of the turning point.

https://youtu.be/jZzIcbDLIto?si=dmSWLedoHnpTKw3r

And, uh, yeah, the “apocalypse” wasn’t that big of a deal. I saved most of my mods and I know how to boot them locally so nothing is LOST, I’d just have to reconstruct everyone’s models and I… don’t wanna do that. I made most of them years ago and I don’t quite remember how I did it.

I’m not sure I’ll be coming BACK anytime soon— I’ve got a project that’s gonna take 3 novels, some (DRAWN) animatics, and a prayer to complete. If I do, it’s getting drawn, with additional chapters and hopefully more time to dig into Squidbeak’s issues. That being SAID, as it stands, if anything was unclear, go ahead and send me an ask and I’ll answer.

[aita-blorbos]

(Oc dump that sounds like fanfiction)

I am the asshole for wanting revenge and hating my nemesis?

I (male 17) am hero, or choosen one or whatever you want to call it of the magic world. This all started when a werewolf bit me and tranfered hs powers to me. Since then i have had the task to protect peace between the big five. (Human, vampire, mermaids, witches, and werewolves.) It has been really hard because of how many people want to murder me or get my powers but it's a life.

But None of those villains make as mad as him.

The prince of vampire's (18 male obv) has been chasing me to bring me to his father as a prove pf his worthiness to heir the throne of the vamps. Not cool at all. He is a pretentious, pompous, egocentric, spoil child. With a awfully beautiful hair and a face that looks like a European model.

He is always behind my back trying to catch me, he feels like the only person who gets my speed wich makes this the more frustrating.

Just a few months ago, he did something that i never thought he would. When my underwater spell worn off in the middle of the ocean, he swimed to get me to the surface and then proceeded to give me mouth to mouth breathing. Basically saving my life.

I had saved his life before and we collaborated in previous times but this was different. I thought"hey maybe he isn't that bad, maybe we can be friends.

But apparently not because he took the entire city of Atlantis while I was fighting the stupid duke. Saying i was pissed off was an understatement, i was devastated. All i was thinking was to get him pin him against a wall and punch in the face.

I feel like a girl whose feelings are being toy with (even if i am completely straight dude talking about his némesis.)

Even more after i find out that he has a girlfriend, who hunted me to get my heart as gift for him. literally. I hate her with every fever of my being she is annoying and thinks she knows "Everything about him" when i reallity she only knows the goody two shoes that he prenteds to be.

I stole her handkerchief (a "gift" from him.) and told her very nasty stuff. That i kinda regret, i made her cry and almost got a knife to my head but it was worthy it. Because that piece of cloth was the missing piece to find him.

However contrary to my beliefs, my friends though that i was kinda of a dick to her (someone who tried to kill me!.) and that i was obsessed with him or something.

I don't consider myself obsessed with him, i would say it's quite the opposite he is the one who chases me everytime.

I just want revenge, and think that is making act a bit hostile to people.

But i am not asshole am i?

[closedshop]

we don't talk much but i really love it when i see u on my dash ^_^ the way u speak is so light and whimsical and airy idk its so pleasant to read and i think smtimes i wanna embody that too. i'm not super into enstars anymore but i like reading your analyses and stuff theyre super interesting!!!

Ah, thank you〜! We probably don’t talk much because of my shyness as much as it is a dual effort but to exist under the same sky is so nice. Funnily enough, I have had so, so, so many people comment on the way I speak and the weird stuff I say (my boyfriend & Noelle have said I just “say things” sometimes & the church seems to think my thought processes in general are unreasonable LOL but I think it’s in a cute way at least. I hope?) on various separate occasions and the way it’s worded always fascinates me since it’s always a little bit different. I don’t mind & kind of even like it, I’m used to being observed and commented on.

I once made a tweet about it stating “My friends & lover tend to be witnesses to my, quote, shakespearean demeanour｡｡｡my form of speech has been commented on by others, referred to as "whimsical", even. My boyfriend frequently likes to point out how weird I am too, lovingly I presume.” I have screenshots of a few instances saved though there have been very many. Why? It simply amuses me! Being perceived appears to have it’s perks.

But, enough of that! I am so touched you’d say that I’m pleasant to read｡｡｡I’m someone who thinks a little too deeply about everything in the world, not just the things he likes, but I am prone to being pretentious in that regard (and very much proud, I shall say! Despite my occasional, negative form of self consciousness at the fact.) I’ve been forcing my mutuals to learn about the things I like this way for years like second-hand smoke and since ansta is my big interest now that I’m older even more so hahaha ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡ I think I’ve never shut up in the past four years about anything, though, especially as I learn to become less unashamed about the things I love. It’s okay if you don’t ansuta as hard as I do anymore, after all, our feelings for things can be so fleeting, I’m happy to have your company as is.

I don’t like to call them analysis directly, typically, because I don’t like to seem too full of myself or try-hard or fake-deep, but when other people do so it makes me happy in a way, to know my observations are appreciated and seen as interesting and even novel at times (I get so excited or otherwise feel a lot when others point out things I haven’t noticed, so to think I can make others feel the same—!), or at least just nice to read about in the way I put them. I’ve had cases where I have a belief but someone is able to put it into words so well and even add to it and it’s like… wow… kyah. But anyway, it used to be an insecurity, as someone who fears coming off like this:

Speaking of, I’ve kept them mostly to twitter nowadays whether in small or big doses (partly due to my compulsions that kept me away from blogging for a bit, that was a really sad time 🥲) since the exposure of my mind to the masses has become addictive to me, but I’m so happy you’re here and still enjoy them. I’ve even had crazy long letter exchanges in the form of long screenshots of thoughts back and forth with likeminded people and it’s like, omg. It’s probably not healthy to be that hooked so I’ve been trying to reel myself back into the tumblr sphere where it is more for my own sake than anything, but it’s so fun to engage in discussions about anything ever, really!

My friends tell me things like saying I’m well spoken and other nice things I have forgotten yet definitely internalized and it brings a kind of euphoria I can’t explain because it’s something I can’t Help I love that everything in the world means so much to me and I love art and everything in the universe basically except for the things I hate and that hurt me badly and sometimes the things I truly love wound me and that’s fine too. I try my best to convey my feelings because honestly, I don’t necessarily even think in words. It’s more vague abstract feelings and concepts that I have to try to string together 🥹 so to do so successfully makes me happy. SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON SO MUCH ABOUT, well, myself! I don’t mean to be self-absorbed, but aren’t we all living inside our heads? That’s where our brain is.

I think the most important part is to be yourself unapologetically｡｡｡being light and whimsical to mee is fun and comes naturally ♪ sometimes I wish I was just like the sun, and hope I won’t burn anyone. I don’t play these things up or anything. It’s an earnest portrayal, despite the more grotesque aspects I keep hidden. Anyone can embody what they would like to and become their best/most preferred self, if they try, I’m sure! Though it is hard to be so malleable. I want to be truer to myself and better every day｡｡｡there’s also the aspect of, as my best friend Kris said, a few minutes ago, the way the self wills itself to be. I’ve worked hard to shape myself and be comfortable with it, and I’m happy to be loved for it. Thank you to anyone who read.

[bemsss]

God speaks. even when i am too weary to speak to Him. i truly do not deserve Him and yet He gives more grace.

this was another trying week. i found myself spent at the end of each day. my mind defaulted to wandering and wasting; the line between my productivity and my idle time completely blurred. i was very depressed 2-3 weeks ago but found myself in a similar space yet again. and though i knew i wasn't hopeless, i began to feel that way. i eased into the murkiness of sullenness. i fell into quicksand disguised as a comfort zone. so easily. yet again.

but God. i can't say everything is better because it isn't. but let me tell you about the mercy of God. gratitude has been the resounding theme of this week. i didn't realize it would be my actual saving grace. it has allowed me to see what is. sadness is so pretentious. hyperfocusing on problems can make you feel like such a know-it-all, but it's just a mirage. it's not real life, but it convinces you that it's all there is to life. the pride in self-obsession is also eerily isolating, as if its other side effects weren't bad enough.

God has made a major change in my life recently. i am still adjusting to it and processing it daily. it's for me, and it's one change that changes everything. however, i somehow still found a way to my trusted, old default, the one that never leaves me satisfied or grateful for my life, no matter the moment i find myself in. my mind had no space to consider joy, no reserves to remember my need of it.

but God. He remembered me. through two serendipitous conversations: one with a patient at my job and the other with the receptionist at my dentist's office. through the Scriptures He led me to this week. through prayer. through conversations with my loved ones in Christ. through His very word on my mind and in my heart. and just in His kindness, through my coworkers honoring me yesterday 🥺 (related to the change i mentioned earlier). being seen by God was on my mind yday morning but it took the day to unfold and for the week to conclude for the mosaic to make sense to me. <3

life may not be what it was

and it certainly will not always be what it is

but time is passing

and emotions are terribly fleeting

according to the Lord

who loves me more than i could ever dare to love myself

i deserve to love the life i have

and truly live it

thank you 💚

[sobspace]

ari and dante,

i put off reading this one since i was in high school. book nerds were a community, this novel, was the talk of town. 

i was kind of pretentious, still am, to refuse to consume anything being hyped up, refused to be swept up by the trends. i know it rings false, but that’s the way i lived til now, with my hypocrisy.

enough of that, this book had been sitting in my TBR for gods know how long. it’s been forever, ari and dante, cooped up in the margins of my memory. yes, ari’s line. fortunately, the novel had found its way to me again.

it felt a little too late to be reading this one. i wish i had read it as soon as i knew of it. i guess that’s one of the things i regret. it may sound dramatic, but i think reading this in high school might have saved me a little. it felt like i was intruding with the younger version of myself, as i was reading about ari and dante. 

a part of me had probably read this with the mind of a highschooler, ari’s anger welling up inside him inconsolable and unknowable. i felt myself deeply resonating with the melancholia it brings ari. how confronting it is just as bad as running away from it, and, you would not know anything of what to do other than live between the itch of those two urges. 

i liked how the novel tackled mostly the complexities of love, especially of those our parents’. they were grounded of their nature to love, which was one of the mysteries that ari and dante tries to solve. for ari, love was a weight, a pressure. for dante, it’s being himself in the world. 

i kept wondering, what was this secret of the universe they have found? i thought of it as something, probably rhetorical. as i try to gauge it, it’s not that too hard to understand. it could be about learning the secrets of your parents that they have been keeping from you all your life, learning about the reason of unfathomable anger and loneliness you feel excavating you from the inside, or it could be, just as be, learning about the affections you have always had for someone and learning there is nothing more profound than learning you are deeply loved by everyone you care about. that is the only universe that matters. and it frees you.

i wanted to write more about ari, his transition from not understanding love, to completely accepting its characteristics, good and bad, the people around him and especially of himself. how he’s just as capable of realizing it. and it’s a weight just as much as it’s something that can make you feel light as a wind. 

i love you, ari and dante.

you will be living in my head for quite a long time. 

and i hope both your love will extend beyond the life you had given within the premises of this novel. it probably already did.

i am hopeful, and you make me.

As Dante and I lay on our backs in the bed of my pickup and gazed out at the summer stars, I was free. Imagine that. Aristotle Mendoza, a free man.

August 17, 2023