#i am normal and functional and not programmed strangely in response to my brain

[mushratting]

i think procrastinating my work and playing video games for six and a half hours might have fixed me unironically

[elen-aranel]

Down from Uptown

The Engineer’s Adventures

1-1 • 1-2 • 2 • 3 • 4

For @autumnleaves1991-blog Writer Wednesday. Pairing: Captain Christopher Pike x F!Reader (no Y/N) Warnings: Canon-typical violence; off-screen deaths of (young) adults WC: 6k Tag list: this isn’t the story I said I’d tag you for but it is Captain Pike X Reader @jusvibbbin ? does this count?? I can untag you! A/N: Me: it’s a one-shot Me: oh wait I can’t leave it there here’s a sequel @autumnleaves1991-blog​: here’s another amazing Writer Wednesday prompt Me: I guess it’s a series of one shots now?? Also this is super long for me having written it in one day. Not sure where all these words came from. Other writers write feelings; come to me for a healthy dose of plot. tl;dr: Elen saw the picture and thought, what if Captain Pike, but driving a speeder?

It is all his fault.

You shouldn’t even have been here in the first place: you are an engineer. Not a diplomat. Sure you had read the briefing the comms team had put together, but maybe if you’d been better at reading alien body language, they wouldn’t have got the jump on you?

Now you’re sitting in what feels like a cellar, no windows, one flickering light panel above you, leaning against the wall feeling sorry for yourself.

Still. You will admit – having checked Chris over and determined, to the best of your knowledge from your limited field medic training, that he was probably fine – that you would rather be here with him than on the Enterprise worrying, powerless.

While you wait for him to wake you take an inventory of what you have, and think back to how you had gotten into this predicament.

*

“Are you sure, Chris?” He likes when you call him that, even if you’re on duty, so long as you’re alone. “It’s a first contact, and not even with a society that needs help from us. There’s got to be someone better than me?”

“Of course I’m sure. The Eloma value couple bonds; it would be strange not to take you. Unless,” —he peers up at you under his eyelashes, mouth quirking slightly,—”you don’t think you’re up to it? I could bring—”

“No, I’m up to it all right.” You bristle at the obvious manipulation attempt. You may not be as confident over away missions as the crew who go on them regularly, and your minor meltdown in Earth’s past still has you nervous about how you may react if things go wrong off the ship, but the only way to overcome worries like that is to confront them. You know you can do this. “Louvier’s going to be mad, that’s all. I promised him I’d oversee the shuttle upgrades.”

“You let me handle Louvier,” he says with a small smile.

“Well if I end up on gamma for the next two weeks and you don’t see me at all, you only have yourself to blame,” you say with a shrug.

“Being the captain does have its perks, you know. I can change the duty rosters if I wish.” He grins back, blue eyes sparkling and dimples on display, knowing he’s won this one.

*

The first impression you get of Eloma is calm beauty. You beam down to a roof garden high on a sky-scraper, with Captain Pike at your side, and Lieutenant Spock and Ensign James from security.

The garden is gorgeous. You meet your hosts on a paved area, but there are trees and flowerbeds all around, a few little paths winding between them, and you can see three ornate stone fountains behind your hosts, the largest of which shoots a plume of water into the air as you watch. You think you’d like to sit on one of the benches with a book – you would enjoy being able to hear the sounds of traffic wafting up from below (something between hover cars and shuttles by the sound of the engines), the horns beeping, and the occasional distant peal of laughter – it would be nice to feel part of all that but also separate from it.

You don’t have too long to dwell on your surroundings, however, because the captain is stepping forward to greet your hosts.

There are two native humanoid species who collectively make up the Eloma: the Mraden who are tall, grey haired with skin shades varying from sky through to ultramarine blue, faces humanlike apart from ridges beneath each eye; and the smaller, black haired, ice-white skinned Ginera who could almost pass for human if their skin was warmer in colour and their dark eyes didn’t flash silver at certain angles. A pair of Mraden and a pair of Ginera step forward to meet you, all wearing long white robes. You wonder if this is normal dress or whether it’s ceremonial, and you resist the temptation to smooth down your red jacket. The Mraden guards standing at attention behind your hosts are dressed more like you, though; a more practical black style.

“Greetings Captain, honoured partner,”—the Mraden lady looks at you as she says this, and you nod slightly in acknowledgement—”I am Nera, first lady of Eloma. May I welcome you on behalf of the first and second couples.” She gestures to her partner first, then to the Ginera couple, who bow. “We are delighted to open contact with the esteemed united Federation of planets, contact which I trust will lead to our mutual benefit.”

“Thank you, Nera. Myself, my partner and officers are grateful for your kind hospitality.”

You try to pay attention to the formalities between Nera, the Captain, and Lakir the first man, but you aren’t a diplomat, and beyond trying to keep your expression pleasant and listen out for anyone addressing you directly, your mind wanders a little. You wonder about the vehicles you can hear. You’re on top of a tall building, possibly the tallest you’ve been on, and as you look around past the trees and flowers you can see other buildings of similar heights. You think the gravity here may be a tiny bit lower than Earth standard, but this culture really does seem to use its sky space a lot.

You’re also interested in your hosts; although your briefing said that the Mraden and Ginera were equals on the planet, all the guards are Mraden and you’ve barely heard your Genera host’s voices, never mind their names. You wonder whether they communicate telepathically, or whether first and second couples switch between the species periodically. That’s probably it, you reason, and probably the first couple is responsible for security. You turn your attention to the fountains – the middle one is in the shape of a tree, and you’re marvelling at the individually carved leaves, when Chris takes your hand.

“Still with us?” He murmurs into your ear, as you look up to see your hosts are leading everyone through the garden.

“Of course,” you reply quietly, before raising your voice a little. “It’s just so beautiful.” Nera overhears that and smiles over her shoulder, and Chris squeezes your hand, pleased.

You follow the group past the fountains and to a door you hadn’t noticed before. It appears to lead down to a stairway and some guards go through, followed by the second couple, Spock and Ensign James, the first couple, then you and the captain.

But as you approach the doorway you hear a vehicle get louder, and suddenly the guards grab you. Your combat training kicks in as you see Chris struggling – you lean back and stomp on the guard’s foot, eliciting a stream of profanities as you try to elbow him in the solar plexus. But he’s a lot larger than you and had the benefit of surprise, and his grip doesn’t loosen as someone else stuffs a cloth in front of you and you can’t help breathing in the fumes, and you try to hang on but everything goes dark.

*

It is all his fault.

But blame will have to wait until later.

You assess yourself – other than a mild headache, probably due to dehydration, and a slightly bruised left hip, you feel fine. And the bruising isn’t going to slow you down if you need to make a run for it.

You go through your pockets. Your pants pockets are empty, but you unzip your uniform jacket and the inner one hasn’t been found – the custom one you modified the standard jacket synthesiser program for, because you always need to carry more than the uniform designers planned on, and you didn’t want delicate tools getting damaged when you shoved a communicator or PADD into your pants pocket.

You always have some tools with you because wherever you go, whether you’re on duty or not, someone will say, “You’re an engineer, right? Can you just have a quick look at...” and you make a show of grumbling but actually part of the reason you became an engineer in the first place is that you like to get things working for people. You’re grateful today that that extends to away missions.

You’re surprised to find your communicator on the floor near you, but as you pick it up you realise why it was left: it’s damaged. It had been in your left pocket, and whatever happened to you happened to it first; the casing is all bent and when you try to raise the Enterprise, you get nothing, not even static.

Figures that this would happen again, you think as you examine your communicator, assessing the damage. The real reason you shouldn’t be taken on away missions is because of your terrible luck. This one isn’t totally fried, you discover as you pry it apart and examine the components, but while it will still function as a translator, the transmitter was crushed. The communicator will work again if you can find a compatible part, but there’s no chance of communicating with the ship, and they can’t even lock on to your signal. You pull out the broken transmitter parts and put the case back together, and as you bend the cover back into shape you hear a groan.

“Captain?” You get up and crouch by him. He is leaning against the wall of your windowless cellar, blue eyes squinting. “How are you feeling?”

“A little sore, but fine. You?” He straightens, focusing on you, reaching out a hand to touch your cheek gently.

“I’m fine. A little bruised.” You lean into his touch, briefly, before sitting back down next to him.

“What happened? I remember following our hosts, then a fight, and now I’m here..?”

“Wherever here is. That’s all I remember too. I hope Spock and James are okay.” Now Chris is awake your brain is allowing itself to worry. You frown. You can’t panic again like last time.

“What’s going on in there?” Chris is looking at you, concerned.

“Just... making a decision. To be strong. It sounds silly when I say it out loud.”

He leans over and places a soft kiss on your lips, and for just a moment you forget where you are – it’s just you and him, and the special thing that you have between you. “That’s a decision we all have to make,” he says as he pulls away, thoughtful. “It becomes... less conscious. With time.”

You nod, and you take a moment to breathe. You’ve got this.

“Seems like they’ve been through our pockets,” Chris says, getting to his feet. “My communicator is gone.” He walks over to the door, which is locked. That was going to be your next project.

“I still have mine but unfortunately it won’t communicate,” you say, standing too. “The transmitter got broken at some point. The translation functions are still operational though and it has power.”

“Can you fix it?”

“I’m good, but not that good,” you say, pulling the pieces of the component out your pocket to show him.

“Ah. Any ideas? Other than waiting?”

“After I failed with the communicator I was going to try to pick the lock,” you say, heading toward the door.

“With what?”

“With this.” You pull out a tool with a hook on it which you use to lever broken components off boards when they’re too small for your fingers.

“How do you–”

Chris’s question is cut off by the door in question opening. You just have time to put your tool in your pants pocket before two Ginera appear, brandishing energy weapons. You raise your hands and back away.

“Sit down,” the lead one says, waving his weapon, and you both comply. The other, also male, steps round him and puts two bottles of water on the floor, and a plate of what looks to be food.

“I’m Captain Christopher Pike, of the United Federation of Planets. I promise if you let us go unharmed my people won’t seek punishment against you, or retribution. If not, though, they will come after us.”

The boy, and he is a boy, you realise, twenty at most, snickers. “We don’t intend to hurt you, but we’re not going to let the best chance the GLG has had to be taken seriously go just like that. Sorry.”

“The GLG?” Chris asks, voice gentle. Unthreatening.

“Ginera Liberation Group. And no, your ship knows we have you, but they’re not going to find you. We called them on your communicator, Captain, and told them we had you, and not to look. We weren’t stupid enough to call from here, either,” he adds, and a little spark of hope in you flares out. “And there are 60 million people in this city alone, they’re not going to be able to resolve the life signs of... whatever you are, among all of us.”

“And what is it that the... Ginera Liberation Group wants?”

“To wake people up. To tell the Mraden”—he spits out the word like it’s a curse—”that we won’t take being treated as second-class citizens anymore. And to give the Ginera hope – that we can take back what’s ours. We don’t need their skyscraper cities, where they force us to live in the dirt. We don’t need their language or their stupid pair bonds. We had our own society before and we can have it again.”

Chris sighs, and leans back, looking up at the boy. “Take it from someone who is old enough to be your dad: taking hostages is not the way. The Federation won’t pay a ransom for us. The Mraden won’t listen to you while you have us. But if you let me go, we can have Federation diplomats come, and—”

“We’ve had enough of diplomacy, Captain. We’re taking matters into our own hands now. Enjoy your food.” He turns abruptly and stalks out, his companion in tow.

Chris examines the food – there are four pre-packaged energy bars. He passes one to you, opening one himself. “Might as well do what the kid says.” He takes a bite, grimacing slightly.

You are not hungry, but you take a bite of yours anyway – you know you need to keep your strength up. You grimace too – the flavour is a weird combination of sweet citrus and something almost cheesy. In general you like salt and sweet but this is not it.

Still you force yourself to finish it; you both need to keep your strength up. Thankfully the drink is just water.

After you’ve finished eating Chris speaks again.

“So how about getting out of here? How do you still have that tool, anyway?”

“I have a pocket in my jacket. I have done for years. It’s reinforced so you don’t see it from the outside – as an ensign my commanding officer cared more about aesthetics than practicality – and that’s where I keep my more delicate tools.”

“Ever the engineer, huh?” Chris’s expression is fond and you smile back, warm inside despite your situation. “Come on.”

He stands, and puts his hand out for you. You grasp hold of it and pull yourself up, appreciating the contact. You go to the door, hook tool in hand, and listen at it first. When you’re sure you don’t hear anything from the other side you gingerly put the tool into the keyhole. It doesn’t shock you, which is a good start, but it still takes a few minutes to work out the structure. Chris is patient while you work, not breathing down your neck. You smile in satisfaction as the lock softly clicks open.

“Well done. I figure we sneak out of here then try to alert local law enforcement. Hopefully they can put us in touch with Nera’s people, who can get us back to the ship.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you say, stepping back to let him take the lead.

You follow him along a little corridor then up a flight of stairs, pausing when he motions you to stop. You can hear voices coming from your left and he eases the door open then gestures you to follow again. You catch a glimpse of the room your captors are in on the way past, but happily they have their back to you, looking at a display screen. Then you’re past them, to the front door. Chris opens it as carefully as he can but the last bolt is stiff and scrapes as it opens. You sense movement behind you but you’re through, slamming the door shut behind you, racing across the street and into an alleyway on the other side before they get out. You keep going behind the building opposite, and then Chris has you double back to face the street you were on. You peep round the edge of the building – your captors are standing in their doorway, the leader berating his companion, although you can’t hear what he’s saying.

You step back into the alley.

“Well, the—” Chris starts to say, but he’s interrupted by a loud bang. An explosion. People are screaming and you smell smoke, see orange light from flames.

You follow Chris back onto the street but the building you were in, small, apparently, just three stories amongst all the giant skyscrapers, is billowing flame and smoke from all its windows, on all floors. There’s a crowd of people standing, staring in disbelief, as the last window shatters, sprinkling glass over the crowd.

You turn to Chris. “We—we were—”

“I know,�� he says, reaching for your hand. You take it, hearing sirens getting louder. You walk toward the building, knowing there was no way the boys could have survived. You stand at the edge of the crowd, looking at the smoke billowing out, as the authorities arrive.

First there are some Ginera on what looks like a fire appliance. They begin to set up hoses, faces grim. Then some Mraden swoop down in a vehicle painted white with a green logo on it. The crowd, who you notice is made up mostly of Ginera, back away slightly. Chris tows you forward, toward the Mraden who are wearing the same uniform as the guards were in the garden, who knows how long ago. They’re not the same people; their skin tones are both quite pale, but to your horror as soon as they see you they raise their weapons and fire.

You’re running again, keeping up with Chris who leads you straight into the smoke and through, round the corner of the block, down the street, into an alley, out onto another street, into yet another alley, until he’s certain you’re not being followed.

You breathe heavily, holding your hip – you were able to run, and could again, but it hurts.

“That was... unexpected,” Chris says, deadpan, and suddenly you find you have your arms around him, holding tight.

“Too close for comfort,” you say, pulling away a little, as he pats your back.

“I really did think this mission was going to be normal,” he shrugs a little as you step away. “Definitely not worse than last time.”

“I mean I know in theory that away missions are dangerous, but I—I didn’t expect someone I thought was going to help us to shoot.”

“Yeah.” He shakes his head. “Seems like we were supposed to die in that fire...” he frowns as you both try to make sense of what just happened.

“What if it’s all a trick?” You muse aloud. “What if the Mraden are the ones who want us to die? Then they can blame the Ginera and crack down on them even further. And all they had to do was manipulate some kids...?”

Chris’s blue eyes are serious. “You’re right. That’s the only explanation that makes sense. We need to contact the ship. But we can’t trust anyone, and we need to get away from here.” He eyes you speculatively. “It’s an old-fashioned term, so I hope you’ve heard it before, but how do you feel about grand theft auto?”

*

“It’s called a speeder,” you say, frowning at the display. It hadn’t taken you long to find and break into a suitable vehicle. It was small, rust coloured and nondescript – not shiny and new, but not banged up either. You popped the doors up and open with ease; not that lock picking was anything you’d tried before today, not really, but you may have broken into a shuttle or two during your academy days.

Chris had got in on the drivers side, leaving you to puzzle out the on-board computer with the help of your communicator.

“I’ve hacked into the admin menu and changed the transceiver code; we need to use it to change lanes and stuff – to move up and down.” You scroll though the options in front of you, displaying in English now, rather than the the native Eloma language. Maybe the native Mraden language, you think wryly, as you find a setting which taps into the city’s store directory.

“There’s a hardware store in a block a couple of miles east of here. I know we can’t trust anyone but I think we may have to try. As far as I can tell it’s quite low down – only on the second level. I think it’s more likely to be Ginera than Mraden.”

Chris pauses from where he’s examining the controls. “We may be better off with the Ginera. I’m willing to bet our captors were a fringe group. I’m sure a lot of the Ginera agree with their goals, but probably not their means. They may be less inclined to report us to the authorities.” He nods. “All right. Strap in. Let’s get this show on the road,” he says, as he presses the ignition.

You look out the windshield at the street around you as Chris gets the speeder moving; with all your running away earlier you hadn’t paid attention to your surroundings beyond wondering whether you could be seen. It’s grey, down here. Drab, even with all the colourful advertising signs. There’s a layer of grime, something dirty in the atmosphere.

You stare out the window as you drive, keeping an eye out for law enforcement, but you don’t see any. As you get further east the traffic gets a little lighter. You eye Chris sidelong; he seems relaxed as he navigates the unfamiliar city.

“Time to go up,” he says, pressing a control and pulling a lever. You see a flashing indicator to see you have permission to change level, and then you’re ascending.

You’ve spent lots of time in shuttles, piloted yourself in an out of orbit more than a few times, but it feels different in a speeder. More immediate, somehow.

Up here the traffic is moving faster, and you see many different speeders, in all colours and all designs. Some of the buildings have balconies with people, mainly Ginera, sitting reading, hanging out washing – a slice of daily life.

You pass a major junction, impressed with how Chris is handling the traffic signals, and the buildings change – the road is a bit wider, and the shops have speeder parks outside.

You wish your briefing notes had mentioned the local currency, not that knowing about it would do you any good.

“I think we’re here,” Chris says, as he slows the speeder down and sets it down in front of a shop. You look at the sign – you can’t read it but it has the same logo as in the store directory. “Will you be okay to go in alone? I think I should stay here...”

“In case we need to make a fast exit? Aye Captain.” You catch his eye and grin, unplugging the communicator and climbing out of the speeder.

Louvier would love this place, you think as you look around the dark interior. The aisles are narrow and full of parts, a few of which you recognise, and most of which you don’t. There are bins with various components like resistors and capacitors, and power supplies, regulator circuitry, almost anything you could want. Except, as far as you can see, the thing you need – a transmitter.

At the back of the store, sitting behind a counter, is an older Ginera female, hair greying a little, screwdriver tucked behind her ear as she focuses on soldering a circuit. You wait for her to put the iron down.

“Excuse me? I’m wondering if you can help.” She looks up and her eyes widen – she can’t see aliens too often, you think.

“You—” she frowns, shakes her head. “You’re from that starship. But the news net said you were dead. Murdered by those GLG kids.”

“You, um... can’t believe everything you see on the net?”

“They said that the legislature was going to be recalled. That your people are going to come and punish us.”

“That’s—that’s not who we are, at all. Even if some kids had killed us the Federation would never retaliate like that. They would try to find us, if they thought we were alive, and it might complicate negotiations between our peoples but there would be no punishment. But... how many did they say died?”

“The two of you who were abducted from the first couple’s garden.”

Spock and James were safe. The fist bit of good news you’d had today.

“I really need to call my ship, let them know that we’re alive. But my communicator is broken. Do you have a micro transmitter? Something like this?”

You lean down over the low counter to show her your broken component.

“I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “Nothing I’ve got here would be able to take the power you’d need for orbital communications. We don’t need things like that down here.”

Your shoulders slump. “Thanks anyway,” you say, straightening up.

“Wait. My cousin works in a shop at the shipyards by the spaceport. He’ll have what you need.” She rummages under the counter and produces a business card. “That will show you the way. His name is Jima. Tell him Asba sent you, he’ll give it to you for free.”

“Thank you, so much,” you say, taking the card and putting it in your pocket. “You don’t know how grateful I am, truly.”

“You’re welcome, love.” She turns her soldering iron on again, and smiles at you before getting back to work. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“So am I,” you say, as you turn to leave the shop.

*

“I have good news and bad news,” you say, as you plug the communicator back into the speeder and put the card into a slot that’s clearly designed for such things: a route shows up on the screen.

“Bad news first,” Chris says with a wry smile, easing the speeder back into traffic. “Although I can guess what it is considering we’re not calling for a beam out right now.”

“ I should have said great, good, bad and worse. You’re right about the bad news – she didn’t have the part. The worse news is that she thinks we’re dead and the Federation is going to come and get revenge on the planet.”

“The Federation will what?” Chris almost swerves into another speeder as he takes the turn late, narrowly missing and causing the other speeder to honk its horn angrily. “Sorry about that,” he adds, a little sheepish.

“My fault for not warning you before dropping bombs. But the good news is Asba in the shop gave us the route you’re following to the shop where her cousin works near the spaceport. And the great news is that we were the only ones captured – Spock and James should be fine.”

“Oh thank god,” he says, fervent.

You access the speeder’s admin menu again as he drives and change the transceiver code again, mainly for something to do, but partly in case the driver of the speeder you nearly hit decides to call the authorities. Then you review your route. The shop you’re going to is several levels higher than you are now; you hope your speeder won’t stick out too much up there.

There are plenty of new things to see out the window, though. As you get higher the buildings are cleaner, windows larger. The shops you see have more elaborate displays with fancier goods, there are more Mraden around, and, as the light begins to turn golden, you pass your first park, full of Mraden children playing.

“The GLG had a point,” you say, almost to yourself.

“In what way?”

“The higher you get, the nicer it is, and the more Madren I’m seeing. Obviously their methods are wrong but... I kind of get it.”

“When we get out of here, I’m going to tell the Federation negotiators that we shouldn’t agree to anything without conditions of the Ginera being discussed. It feels a little like letting the bad guys get what they want in a way, but you can’t make an entire culture suffer because a couple of kids make a stupid choice.”

“And they were probably manipulated, too. That doesn’t excuse them, but—” you lock eyes with a Mraden enforcer as you pass a junction. She recognises you, even through the glass, and mutters into a communicator of some kind.

”But?”

“We’ve been spotted. Turn left! Now!”

Chris makes the turn, speeding up as he also changes up a level. He weaves in and out of traffic, trying to shake your tail, while you hold on for dear life, glad that you strapped in.

“Relax,” he says, as he takes another alarming turn, flying away from another chorus of horns. “My first assignment in Starfleet was as a test pilot.”

“That’s... um... good to know,” you say, weakly, as he brings you up another level and slows sharply. He takes the next turn at a much more sedate pace, before spotting an empty lane in front of you and speeding up again.

“Are we nearly there yet?” You ask, getting a laugh.

“Actually we are.” As you look around you realise you’re on the edge of the industrial district. Ahead you can just see some star ships, a large freighter and shuttles flying around it. “And hopefully we lost them.”

You reset the transceiver code for the third time, back to its factory default, as Chris makes a right between two tall buildings. You switch the transceiver off completely before he makes two more turns; hopefully it’s owner will be able to pick up the signal when it came on again and find it.

“I’ll come too this time.” Chris says, opening his door.

“Thank you for not crashing,” you say as you exit the speeder.

“Any time,” he says, and you both laugh as you enter the shop.

Where the last shop was cramped, this one is spacious. You recognise a lot more components here; they’re not Federation but they’re ship components and you understand what they do.

You and Chris find the small bin with the piece you need pretty quickly, but it’s locked, and you look around for help. You feel eyes on your back and you turn to see a Ginera male looking at you curiously.

“Excuse me,” you say, tone polite and not too eager, “do you know Jima? We’re looking for him.”

“I’m Jima,” he says, stepping closer. Chris puts his hand on your back; for your sake or his you can’t say.

“Asba sent us. She said you could help me get a component to fix my communicator?”

“Is this what you need?” He indicates the bin you were looking at. He pitches his voice quiet and you match it.

“Yes. This is the one I need.”

He unlocks the bin, takes a couple of transmitters out, and beckons you to follow, keeping an eye on the only other customer, a Mraden male. You pass between the aisles to the edge of the store, quietly following his lead, and go through a doorway.

“Asba called me, said you’d be coming. She also said to keep you out of sight. You should be safe here, to fix your tech. Call me if you need anything.” He steps back through the doorway as you hear some other customers enter the shop.

You put that out of mind though, as you hand Chris the communicator while you get your tools out. You can feel tension radiating off him as you take it back but you ignore that too. This is fixing things. It’s what you do. You open the cover and slot the component in, bending a couple of pins to fit and adjusting the power output to compensate for the non standard part.

“They were seen in this area. The speeder they stole is just out here.” Even though you’re concentrating, you can’t shut off your ears entirely. The people you thought were customers when they entered? Law enforcement.

You shut the cover again and hand it back to Chris.

“Didn’t I see them with you, Jima? They must be in the overflow storage.”

You hear loud footsteps as Chris says, “Pike to Enterprise! Get us out of here now!”

He reaches for your hand catching hold as the Mraden enforcement officers come through the door, and the gold light takes you, leaving them staring.

*

You thought you were glad to get back to Enterprise after you were on Earth. But that was nothing to how you feel now. You keep it together, however, in front of Number One, Spock, and the transporter technician.

“They said you were dead,”Number One says in greeting. “They showed us the burning building. They showed us your burnt communicator with the power cell removed. They said that was the only thing that survived.”

“What’s the quote? ‘The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated’?” Pike shrugs, giving her a half smile.

“ ‘The report of my death was an exaggeration.’ I’m glad you’re okay, Chris, but don’t do that to me again. At least not for another month.”

*

You shower in your own quarters, having got your bruise treated in sickbay, trying to calm down. Away missions are still a lot. Chris told you to take twenty four before reporting for duty again, and you will, but you get a report written first – you need to make sure that Jima and Asba are safe, and that the ship sends some compensation to the person whose speeder you stole. That done, you check with the computer, change into civvies and join Chris in his quarters.

“Hey,” he says as you walk in, standing from where he was sitting by the window and drawing you into a hug, then a soft kiss. You bring a hand up to his face, running you fingers over the stubble that’s there after a very long day, and kiss him back, heated, your lips moving across his, his tongue licking into your mouth. You pull apart, staring up into his blue eyes.

“You were right,” he says, drawing you across the room to sit next to him on the couch. “There was a Mraden plot. Nera and Lakir have resigned, although they claim they didn’t know what was going on, and Tura and Sama, the Ginera second couple, have taken power until they can hold new elections. It’s going to be a tough road for Eloma, if they’re going to properly confront their problems, but the Federation will help.”

“I’m glad,” you say, leaning into him, enjoying how safe you feel with his arm around you. “I—I hope those boys’ sacrifice turns out to be worth it.”

“Yeah,” he says, kissing your head, and you sit in silence for few minutes.

“Dinner?” He asks eventually.

“Yes if we can have your chilli again. I think we’ve earned it.”

“Oh you definitely did,” he replies, standing to go over to the synthesiser.

*

“Lieutenant?” It’s two days later and you’re on your way to Engineering from the mess hall. You turn in the corridor, to see Number One standing there, an amused expression on her face.

“Commander?”

“Next time he asks you to go on an away mission, just say no.”

[poppyknitt]

Bio-Bots- A JSE Egos Fanfic

Android!Chase AU

-Post explaining how the hell i came to make this beautiful, blessed, but also cursed au in the first place

-Canon developments in the story as of writing this

[April 11th, 2017, our time]

Schneep and Jackie knew Chase wasn’t going to make it. His head was shot clean through, and his brain was damaged badly. Even if it did heal, he’d be in so much tremendous pain that he’d probably be begging to be “put to sleep”, as they call it in the veterinarian world. They stared hopelessly at the heart monitor next to Chase’s bed, which had a relatively steady pace at the moment, but, on occasion, faltered.

“... What should be done, Jackie..? He only has a little bit of time left. You and I, we-.. we both know this.”

“... I say we work together on blueprints.”

“Blueprints? What-Whatever for?!”

“... An android, of sorts. One that works and looks totally human. It may take a few weeks, but we’ll make it happen.”

“And what would I do? You are the one with the technological know-how; I, on the other hand cannot configure even a Raspberry Pi for the life of me!”

“You’ll help me make him look human. You’ll help me pull this off. We can do this, Henrik. Nothing is holding us back. No one will have to know that he died.”

“... Alright, then. Just give me heads up, yes?”

Jackie smiled sadly, “Will do, ‘doc’.”

~~~

[April 24th, 2017, our time]

Chase woke up groggily, his head spinning as his vision flooded with blindingly bright light, and he slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position. The heart monitor on his left beeped steadily, and his head was wrapped in bandages.

“Chase! You- You’re awake!” A voice, similar to his, cried out in joy, and next thing he knew, he was being glomped by a man in a black cape and strangely colored cat mask.

“Wh..Who..?” He slurred, taking a moment to figure out that this was Marvin, “Oh! ...M-Marv..?”

“Yep! That... That’s my name! Don’t.. wear it out!” Marvin said, putting on the best cheerful face he could, thought, Chase knew it wasn’t sincere, even as he laughed wryly in response. He could tell that the magician was distressed greatly by his attempt to kill himself.

~~

“Okay, so, he’s gotta be good at reading people, right? I mean, come on, even if we are just doing this to prevent further heartache, then why not take a few creative liberties that chance making social interaction and stuff like that easier?”

“Is up to you, Jackie. I for one did not know him very well beforehand, so you may wind up on your own for the programming part of this.”

“M’kay. Cool. I’m gonna do it.”

~~

[April 30th, 2017, our time]

“Stacy? Hi... It’s me, Chase... I was just calling to ask when you’re gonna let me see the kids next... I really miss them... S-Sorry for bothering you... I’ll... just go now..” He sighed, and hung up the phone.

“She still being petty?” Marvin asked, his face reading nothing but slightly amused sympathy.

“Yeah.”

“Damn. Well, cheer up, pal! She’ll have to listen to ya some day!”

“Maybe...”

~~~

“Greetings, Chase. I’m Jackieboyman! But, uh, I’d prefer being called Jackie.”

“... Uh... hey..? Good to meet you!” As the android spoke, his face lit up, as if he were just registering the name, and felt like he recognized it. Or something. Either way, it seemed like a good thing that he showed recognition, because it meant that at least one of the features he’d implemented into the android was working.

Jackie grabbed his clipboard, and checked off “Name recognition” from the list.

“What is that?” Chase asked, peering over his shoulder from behind. Jackie hadn’t even noticed him move! Weird. But cool!

“Um, it’s a list of functions you’re supposed to have. I have to make sure you function like a normal human if we’re gonna get the others to believe there’s nothing wrong.”

“Oh. Is silent footsteps one of them?”

“Not intentionally, no. I think it’s a byproduct of the materials we used.”

“Cool.”

“Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but how’re your tricks for the bro average channel going so far?”

“Pretty good! I can do a triple flip now! Wanna see?”

“Heck yeah, man! That sounds epic!”

Chase grinned cheerfully, and, going a fair bit back so he didn’t risk bumping into his older brother. He jumped up several feet, backflipped, landed on one hand, and did it twice more, landing on both hands the second, and on his knees the third. Jackie watched, eyes wide in awe, and applauded him excitedly when he finished.

“Wow! That was awesome!”

“Aw, shucks, Jackieboy! You’re too kind! Too kind!” Chase grinned, bowing humorously.

~~~

[Sometime in August, 2017, our time]

“Seán... Please... I-I don’t know if you can hear me, but... please... wake up.. We need you now, more than ever...” His voice broke as he pleaded for his old friend to wake up. Between the loss of Henrik, and Jack’s coma, he didn’t know if he was gonna be able to keep it all together.

~~~

Jackie watched Chase from a ways back, his heart breaking at the sight of his youngest brother melting down by the side of their creator’s bed in the hospital. He was about to go hug him and tell him it was gonna be okay, but Marvin ran in, pushed past him, and practically glomped poor Chase. The magician was clearly upset about the loss of Henrik and Jack, but he seemed to understand that the best they could do about it right now was help each other keep it together. Chase seemed shocked by the sudden hug, but he quickly returned it, appearing to be holding back tears.

~~~~

“Hey! Jackie! Look over there!” Chase exclaimed gleefully, hoping his brother was gullible enough to fall for it.

“What? What am I looking for?” Jackie asked in confusion as he looked where Chase had pointed. Chase grinned mischievously, and ran up to him while he was distracted, grabbing the hero’s goggles and yanking them down so they covered his eyes. Jackie yelped in surprise, and scrambled to adjust the goggles so he could see, as Chase made a break for it, darting away from him as fast as he could. Jackie yelled at him, and gave chase, catching up to him quickly, and tackled him to the pavement.

“Hey! No fair! Let me go!” Chase yelped, surprised by the strength of Jackie’s grip.

Jackie grinned, and stole his hat, letting go of him as he spoke, “Fine! But you’re still gonna pay for that”, and shot up, darting off in the direction of home. Chase laughed, and ran after him, yelling for him to give his hat back.

~~~~

[October 2018, our time]

Chase clutched onto his abdomen, coughing every now and then, as a strange, orange-ish liquid oozed around his arm. He didn’t understand why his blood looked so unnatural, but he didn’t think about that, as he let himself sink into a blind rage, and ran at the foreign glitch that was attacking Marvin.

“Chase, no!” Jackie screamed at him, desperately trying to drag himself after him, but the hero collapsed, his own wounds making him too weak to hold himself up anymore. Chase’s instincts screamed at him to go back for Jackie and flee this place, but he had to save his other brothers, too. Everything he knew about biology told him he shouldn’t even be able to run right now, but he didn’t care; Obviously, he could, which meant he was the only one able to do anything right now.

He tackled the glitch to the ground, and started throwing punches at his face, glad he was able to take him by surprise, since he probably wouldn’t have been able to pull that off if he hadn’t. The Anti screamed in anger, violently throwing him off, and stood up, as Chase caught himself. The vlogger stood as well, his eyes burning with hatred.

“Chase..! You..! You’re hurt! Wh-What-?!”

“He’s an android, Marvin.” Jackie wheezed.

“W-Wh-?! S-Since when?!”

“Since April...”

“W-Who else knew?!”

“... Henrik knew. He helped me create him...“

“Where- What happened to the Chase we knew?!”

“... He didn’t survive. The day Chase woke up was really just... the day after he had died..”

Chase listened silently, his heart heavy. He’d always had an underlying suspicion that he wasn’t as human as they’d said, but he didn’t realize he wasn’t human at all. He sighed, and opened his mouth, interrupting the conversation, “Marv, take Jem and the doc, and run. Don’t go home. Just... run. Make sure you never look back, and most importantly, don’t stop running until we meet again, okay?” The order came out dry and empty, his hate-filled gaze never leaving the glitch as he spoke.

“B-But what about you and Jackie?!” Marvin yelped, eyes wide, as tears began spilling from his eyes in small streams.

“... We’ll be fine. We’re gonna fight this guy off, and then we’ll run, too. I dunno how, or where, but we’re not stay here. Our world might as well be toast.”

“Chase..” Jameson’s speech slide appeared, and Chase gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut as he, too, began to cry.

“Go, god damn it! Go before I do something really fucking stupid!” He sobbed, not paying any mind to the sadistic grin plastered on the glitch’s face, as his voice cracked and broke. At that, Marvin didn’t take another warning, and, as he helped Schneep up, he cast a spell. Soon enough, it was just him, Jackie, and the monster that had invaded their world.

Speaking of the damned, the glitch began laughing his mentally unstable laugh, and held up his knife, which was stained with orange, “Oh̶,̧ ḩo̧w҉ a͟do͝rable̢!́ You real̴l̷y ́t̀h̨ìnk͜ ͜they̶ ̴c͢a̕n ͠ęsc͟ap͜e̡ me f̨o̵r l҉o̡n̢g͢ ̨j̀ust ̶bec̸ausę ̷y͘o͞u ͢tol͟d́ ̸t͡he̵m to҉ r̷u͏n?! ̨Oh, ҉d͢e͏a͏r͞ ̀r͡ób̶ot̛, ̕I ͞h҉àte to ̡say ̀ít,̢ b͘u͘t́ ̡as͜ ̢s͡o͜on͠ ̢as̵ I͏’m done ͟w̵i҉th̀ ́yo҉u? I’̀m̛ g̷o͏i͡n̴g straight for ͡t͏h̀em̸!̛”

“That’s why you’re not getting a chance to do that.” Chase said, smirking a little. The Anti paused, looking utterly dumbfounded by his statement. They stood there quietly for a moment, until Chase subtly signaled to Jackie, and the hero yelled at the glitch.

“Hey, doofus! You forgetting someone?!” Jackie taunted. The glitch growled in annoyance, and turned to him. Chase took the chance his brother had given him, and used his soundless footsteps to his advantage. He sprinted at the glitch, and withing moments, he was on top of him once more, punching the ever living hell out of him once more. It took until Jackie yelled for him to stop for him to realize he’d knocked the Anti unconscious.

He got off of the demon, and ran to Jackie, picking him up in an almost-bridal style fashion, despite his brother’s adamant protesting, “Shut up, dad. You’re too weak to walk.” He joked, knowing Jackie would be embarrassed by the spontaneous new nickname.

Without looking back even once, he used a little spell Marvin had taught him a while back, and opened a portal to another world.

———————————

Help i’ve been writing this story practically nonstop for like 8-9 hours and i’m already attached to Android!ChaseSo, yep! This is basically all of the super major parts in Android!Chase’s story that I’ve made yet! Also, random note, but uh, the Anti that came in at the end was indeed Monitor (the anti from one of my other aus, if this is the first fic of mine that you’ve read), and he most definitely destroyed the universe they came from. Whether Chase & Jackie ever reunited with Marvin, JJ and Henrik is currently unconfirmed, but don’t loose hope, because I’d absolutely love to be able to expand upon their stories later on! Though, I think my favorite part of this au is Jackie and Chase’s QPR father/son dynamic-

taglist:

@antis-loyal-puppet @tiny-septic-puppet @chaoticcrimsonrose (yes i know you hate the angst but this is only like 50% angst) @rorald-spooks @septic-dr-schneep

Additional tags:

@hotcocoachia @insaneangel18-blog @aquaticember06

[thekidultlife]

The Coldest Human; The Warmest Robot | Jihoon! Android AU

Words: 13362 (yep. a lot. I know)

Genre: Fluff?, Slight Angst?

(A/N: So this fic was definitely based on the book “Do Android Dream of Electric Sheep?” by Philip K. Dick (if you watched Psycho-Pass, you’ll know that Shogo Makishima makes the best dystopian novel recommendations) and the anime “Beatless”. Both gave such profound food for thought about androids and AI and I’ll tackle what I think about them in the following android series I’ll do since I enjoyed building this world, needless to say lmao. This first one is about androids and their lack of ‘emotion’ (dades named it as empathy, while beatless called it ‘soul’) and the possibilities of a relationship between androids and humans. I know others would feel reserved about this (I am too. It’s just fckiing weird) so I kept it open, a thought to explore. So here you go! I hope you guys like it!)

P.S. If you’re interested to discuss these things with me, the askbox and message box (?) are open! :) I’m more than happy for a thought exercise.  

“Ok. Good.”

He wouldn’t have imagined that those were the words he would hear after an immeasurable number of years.

“He’s working.”

He blinked; the machineries whirring in his chest and the cogwheels sphinning in his head. How many years was he out?

“Could you do a system evaluation?” he heard you ask and he answered without hesitation, the words spilling from his cherry pink lips.

“Memory, intact. System processing, stable. Vitals, stable. Body coordination, malfunction on the right arm joint…”

“Good. Just a bit of tweaking and repair,” you told him in such a mechanical voice that he wondered if you were one too. “Anyway, do you have a name?”

He blinked again; now aware that he was in a sitting position on a worn sofa and that he was in a small laboratory with you who was in a lab coat. His white blond hair fell on his forehead as he leaned in forward.

“I’m Jihoon.”

You nodded and gave a miniscule smile; a bit too cold for a human.

“I’m Y/N.”

3 hours earlier

“Ow! What the fuck?”

It wasn’t weird that you had almost tumbled forwards when your knees had hit a large box which was perfectly hidden by the dim lights of the hallway. It had been almost two years since you took a step into your mother’s old lab yet the throb of pain in your chest remained the same since day one.

You flicked the switch on, hoping that the other lights in the lab were still working, or else you might as well find yourself repairing every single one of them in the next few days. Luckily, you didn’t have to as the stark fluorescent lights flickered on without much difficulty.

With the lights now fully on, you glanced down on your feet to see what you had hit a little bit earlier. To your surprise, it was a large wooden crate that had your mother’s name and the address of her lab imprinted on it.

A slight look of confusion marred your face.

“Who on earth would have sent this?”

You asked even though you knew no one was going to reply. Trying to look for a return address, you only sighed when you found none and it kind of freaked you out. Nevertheless, the nagging feeling in your chest was tempting you to take the crowbar from the workshop.

“Well, doesn’t seem like it’s dangerous.”

You shrugged nonchalantly, holding the crowbar on your grasps and with a few strong tugs, you popped the lid open. What you found had you scrambling far, far away.

“—shit…!”

At the first sign of hair and limbs had your heart almost jumping out of your chest. There was no denying that a body of a dead person might have been sent to you and the image of the body sitting in fetal position was hammered into your head which you swore you will never forget in your entire life. Your hand immediately flew to the device you had on your wrist; looking for the emergency button which rang up the authorities automatically.

But taking a closer look, you noticed the unnatural white blond hair which almost looked like silicon and the pale asbestos white skin that was too perfect and too flawless to be human. Then, you finally saw the clothes which he was wearing—a black button-up and trousers which had a familiar emblem stitched into it.

“Wait…is that…oh.”

You took a few steps forward and hesitantly peered into the contents of the box with less panic and more objectivity. Finally seeing the signs which proved your thoughts, you gave a long sigh of relief as you sank to the floor on your knees; prying the other sides of the wooden crate open so that you wouldn’t have to carry something as heavy as an android.

Under normal circumstances, people couldn’t detect the difference between a human and an android and 99% of the time, there really was no difference—with the new Nexus 9 processing system, even fake emotions could be simulated. The only thing in the way is how androids cannot fully duplicate the humanness in humans.

Yet you have lived among these androids since you were born in a small colony orbiting Mars and your Mom was one of the best android engineers there ever was. Every miniscule twitch, or lack thereof, could alert you that the one you’re talking to is made of metal and codes after years of spending time with them.

“So, Jihoon?” you asked once more, trying to be sure if he was really fully functioning as you placed your tools back neatly inside a box.

He nodded, then scanned the whole lab as you observed his every action. Androids tend to do that—they’re logical to a fault. He could have already planned his way out within those few seconds, you thought.  

“Do you have any idea why you’re here?” you continued your inquiry, now sitting beside him.

“Yes, actually,” he replied without hesitation as he gazed right at you with unblinking eyes. “I wish to see Dr. L/N. She created me.”

Upon hearing his request, you sighed and slumped back on the worn sofa, thankful that dust was essentially non-existent in the filtered colonies. He was still looking at you and waited for any visible reaction but your gaze was as empty as his.

“She’s gone now. Dead,” you informed him nonchalantly as if you were just talking about the weather; trying to be as detached as you could be. “Gone ever since the mass riot in Hangar 15.”

Jihoon nodded since he was there in Hangar 15 when his fellow androids organized an uprising to escape the organization. Yet he chose not to participate in the event since he didn’t trust the plan that was laid, though he also chose not to help anyone, even the humans who perished.

“So, there it is,” you continued when he uttered no reply, standing up so you could stare at him.

You were not an idiot not to know that he was one of the recently escaped Nexus 9 androids from the organization and he was now on the hitlist of greedy bounty hunters disguised as police officers by the bureaucracy. What’s good about that was that you weren’t obliged to turn him in.  

“Are you her daughter?” he asked so suddenly that you raised your eyebrow in curiosity.

“I am. Why did you want to meet her anyway?”

He shrugged. “I needed to ask her something important regarding my functions.”

“Functions? You mean how you work?” you asked, inclining your head as if you were mulling the thought over. “Well, if that’s how it is, then maybe we could look into the computer over there.”

You pointed your head towards the direction of a series of computer screens on a workspace just to your left as Jihoon followed with his eyes. Walking over there, you turned on the main switch and rebooted the in-air holographic interface which allowed you to control several functions without really touching a solid object (ala Tony Stark style). Jihoon trailed behind you as he looked around and then back to you who was already providing the password.

“So, what did you want to look at?” you finally asked with a glitter in your eyes which Jihoon had noticed was only present in humans.

When you posed the question, the blond android immediately fell silent as he tried to rake his brain on what he actually wanted to know. However, within his usual processing time of five nanoseconds, he could not find any answer. In the meantime, you feared that he could be malfunctioning, so you walked closer and reached for his forehead, trying to see if his processor had heated up (which was so appropriately akin to a fever in humans). As soon as he felt your touch, Jihoon twitched and backed away, earning a surprised expression from you.

“I’m sorry. I feel disoriented right now,” he told you, avoiding your gaze.

“It’s ok. You might need some time to recalibrate yourself. Just rest on the sofa for the night…” you replied, a little bit confused and intrigued at the situation. “I’ll be leaving now.”

He nodded gingerly and returned to the couch as you moved to the exit and before you left, you glanced at him with an expression mix of worry and curiosity.

“An android’s main function is to protect itself, or, if it is programmed to work, then his responsibilities and obligations. It cannot work outside its program.”

Your instructor’s voice rang across the almost empty auditorium with its titanium walls and polyester seats burning your eyes with boredom. Being in class always felt too cumbersome, listening to a pre-recorded teacher who refer to androids as ‘it’, which you had some sort of strange distaste even though you knew they were right. Androids are nothing but a lump of metal, plastic and other materials with an artificial heart and brain—it shouldn’t be placed at the same level as humans.

“Everything they do are only mere pre-programmed responses. Even the Nexus 8 processor still has a few insufficiencies which could still possibly be detected by android detection tests such as the Voigt-Kampff scale and the Bonelli Reflex-Arc. However, Nexus 9 which was recently developed to perfection has undermined these insufficiencies, moving closer to simulate human beings. ”

That was how the whole system worked. The organization will produce these androids with a new Nexus processor and in a few and, often orchestrated escapes, these androids will be hunted down by bounty hunters. How, why and what killed these androids will then be used in order to improve the next line of androids.

Welcome to the organization.

“Y/N, I can’t seem to understand how to program involuntary movement.”

“Wow!  Didn’t you get the highest score in the last practicals?”

“Ms. L/N, please detail to us how the Voigt-Kampff tests work.”

“My goat back at home had kids. Sorry, I’m not allowed to give them.”

“Did you already get the programming assignment? It’s due tomorrow.”

“When I was an engineering student just like you, I knew how to work out an android with my eyes closed.”

“Hey, Y/N! Pay your electric bill. I don’t want you getting our electricity cut.”

“My parents got me an ostrich. They’re very rare these days.”

“Those are just androids. They’re not like animals or humans.”

 “You look tired.”

You blinked.

The gaze Jihoon was giving you seemed curious yet you only shook your head and slumped back on the worn sofa. These days, the only place which could give you solace was your mother’s old lab and Jihoon’s quiet presence. You were left on your own thoughts, which was a far contrast from the loud environment you were immersed in every single day.

“Class is shit as always,” you replied, pinching the bridge of your nose as you willed your nausea away. “My roommate is shit as always. My life is shit as always.”

“Why don’t you leave then?” Jihoon asked as he fiddled with an old laptop he found in the stockroom, trying to revive it, his voice as deadpan and mechanical as ever.

“It’s not as easy as you think,” you replied while you threw a severe look at him, which he only shrugged and continued soldering the wires into the motherboard.

“Humans are complicated. I cannot comprehend most of what they do and why they are doing it,” Jihoon remarked without even giving you a remarkable glance.

You looked at the distance with a blank look. “Most humans don’t understand what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. They just do it because that’s what they feel.”

Noticing his long stare, you averted your gaze back at Jihoon who had stopped fixing the gadget and just looked at you with a troubled expression.

“What does it feel like to feel?” he finally asked which had you returning his own stare, unable to think of an appropriate answer.

You sighed. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want to know.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Jihoon replied as he shot his brow, blond fringes falling softly on his forehead. “I’ve watched humans interact over the years and I’ve tried to understand their actions, yet until now, I couldn’t. Even at this time and age when emotions could easily be manipulated, I cannot comprehend why you still haven’t dialed up your Penfield for a happier mood to remove your unhappiness.”

Immediately, you narrowed your gaze at him for questioning your actions, yet you felt totally embarrassed that he had noticed the last shred of stubbornness remaining in you. After your mother’s funeral, you bought a Penfield mood organ so you wouldn’t sink into your eminent depression yet until now, you didn’t have the courage to use it; remaining in your wrist untouched.

“What do you want me to do then?” you finally asked, exhausted from the variety of emotions pushing you around.

Jihoon shrugged again, now returning to his work on the old laptop. “Nothing. You humans are so sentimental.”

You ignored him and inclined your head upwards, watching the bright fluorescent lights with a pensive mood.

Jihoon counted how many days since he had stayed with you since he basically had nothing to do but fix the entire lab to how it used to be and mull over his situation. He knew you knew that he was a rogue android yet he wondered why you haven’t reported him yet. He hypothesized that you couldn’t really be bothered to report him or you secretly enjoyed his presence.

Over the past few weeks, Jihoon had found himself thinking about you the most. He defended to himself that you were his mere case study yet why did he even bother to defend himself from his own? It was not like he had some sort of conscience, so then why? He didn’t want to tell you but he had long gotten suspicious about how his processing was a bit different than his fellow androids and maybe that was the reason why he had sought your mother. So whenever you weren’t around, he tried to snoop around your mother’s main computer to see if there were any notes left about how he was made or how his Nexus 9 processor was programmed, however, he had not found any significant data yet.

“What are you doing?” he asked, curious as he peered over your shoulder while you worked on the main computer.

“A project. We’re tasked to program specific responses in the event that someone tries to flirt with an android,” you replied without removing your concentration from the string of codes and numbers on the screen.

“I see. I guess that applies to prostitute androids,” he noted as he pulled out a chair to sit beside you, also monitoring the screen.

“You know that’s illegal.”

“Doesn’t stop anyone from doing it. Besides, the organization sells them anyway,” Jihoon shrugged as you arched an eyebrow at him, considering that he had a point.

“Androids are common commodity nowadays, huh? Sometimes you wonder what else they are made for.”

At that juncture, you had long been distracted from your work and was only staring at Jihoon, gauging if you could ask the question long floating in your head. Jihoon knew what you wanted to know by the path the conversation was going, so he had already beaten you down the chase.

“I’m designed for military use. Tactical adviser and technical expert,” he simply replied. “Our SVT line is equipped with quantum computers—the first of its own kind.”

You scoffed, a little bit amused. “You planned your whole escape, didn’t you?”

“I did,” he had no longer seen any reason why he had to hide that fact from you. “All five of us escaped. I don’t know where they are now and I don’t really care.”

Smiling, you finally asked the central irony of it all. “You escaped from the organization yet here you back in their labs. Why?”

Your grin morphed into a giggle when Jihoon turned his head away from you as if he wanted you to ignore that single aspect, sulking when you hadn’t.

“I have my reasons,” he replied with a pout.

“Which I’ll assume to be completely logical and a hundred percent android,” you retorted back with a playful grin and teasing eyes.

“Of course they are,” he defended with a glare and you only laughed at him. “I’m not joking, you know.”

“I know,” you smiled warmly and stood up, pinching his cheek to lift the frown on his lips, though much to his chagrin.

“Don’t do that,” he warned you, yet you only did it again on his other cheek. “Stop it already!”

You had already removed your hand before he could swat it away, as you laughed so hard that you almost fell to the ground. Jihoon was definitely not amused yet he had noticed some sort of malfunction in his system that made him all seem too light hearted. He’ll do a system check later.

“Haven’t I told you before?” your voice had finally caught his attention and dragged him away from his thoughts. “You seem so human. It’s so weird.”

I wish I wasn’t human.

These days though, you actually wished you weren’t.

It’s as if the colony was hell unloosened and you are right at the middle of it to feel everything. Though you were still a fool nonetheless, just like how Jihoon had said—not using the mood organ you bought when it was the most convenient. You didn’t need to feel hell, just a number to dial up and then you’re fine.

“481 for hopefulness; 888 for the incredible want to watch television and 3 for the desire to dial your Penfield mood organ! Come and feel complete!” You sang the commercial for the mood organ with every note dripping with sarcasm as you sat in fetal position on the worn sofa of the lab; fiddling with the buttons of the device. “If I used it, would I feel complete?”

“Data has shown that humans usually do not,” Jihoon’s mechanical voice interrupted your thoughts, together with the rattling of the toolbox filled with discarded devices he gathered from the stockroom.

You grinned cynically. “What if androids use it? Will you then feel empathy?”

The blond android paused for a while to look at you from where he sat on the workbench and then continued his search in the toolbox after a minute.

“You already know that we do not have a brain to attach the mood organ to. We have a processor yet it wouldn’t respond to the device,” he replied in an annoyed voice which would’ve meant that he need not to remind you what you had already learned in class.

“I’m just teasing you,” you replied with a small smile which immediately disappeared after a second.

Jihoon sighed. “Dial 999. It won’t make you feel anything.”

The android had caught your glare and held on to it. Using the mood organ was the most logical thing to do in your situation. He knew you were simply trying to hold on to a few loose strings and the best way not to let them go is to sacrifice something. He could not understand why you still refuse to do so.

“I can’t do it,” you confessed; hiding your face from his scrutinizing stare.

“Why?”

“I feel…I feel like if I did, I’ll lose myself.”

Jihoon stared. “I don’t understand.”

You smiled at him weakly.

Your head pounded, eyes burning, cheeks stained.

Where were you?

Bloodshot eyes blinking at the blinding white lights overhead, you soon realized that you cried yourself to sleep in the lab. It was awfully noisy unlike most days—incomprehensible noise which eventually turned into sweet, sweet music which almost lulled you back to sleep, except that you had noticed that it was Jihoon who was singing beside you on the sofa with a makeshift electric piano on his lap.

“Good morning. You look like you had a nightmare,” he remarked as soon as he saw you gazing towards his direction without a word.

You scoffed. “My whole life is a nightmare.”

“All humans say that,” Jihoon replied harshly, though you didn’t care. “Want some water?”

You nodded, feeling your throat as rough as sandpaper, and Jihoon immediately complied, moving the electric piano away with its bare wirings, and towards the newly-installed water dispenser.

“They still have that on sale?” you asked as you sat on the sofa beside Jihoon, pointing at the piano after he had brought you water.

“I found a shop online which sells old stuff, I saw a complete set of piano keys and put it together with an old stereo I found here,” Jihoon replied, looking proudly at his work.

You raised your brows in astonishment. “You’re incredibly resourceful.”

Jihoon gave a small smile (you knew this one was pre-programmed), and then replied, “Shall I play a song for you?”

“I wonder why ‘piano playing and singing’ was added to a tactical adviser’s program,” you teased, earning a genuine glare from Jihoon before he ignored your remark and moved on with playing.

Watching his fingers move across the keyboard, you couldn’t tell if he was an android or not. He moved fluidly, the notes he was making was enough to touch you—it was a song designed to make you feel relaxed since you had just cried. It was a song just for you.

You loved how the song dipped and rose; how Jihoon’s voice was husky yet soft against the notes; how he seemed like he was honestly trying to reach out to you, to comfort you. How is he capable of such skill which only humans could harness? It had filled your mind in more than one night, yet this night, you ignored the question and relished the beauty which Jihoon made with his music.

The song ended without you even noticing it. You continued to stare into the tiled floor as Jihoon studied you closely for any reaction.

“You know, I feel so tired.”

You began, holding the plastic cup which you drank water with as you continued to look blankly into the dark hallways of the lab.

“I feel so tired of feeling—feeling empty, then feeling overwhelmed; feeling like I could do everything, then life drops me down on the cold, cold asphalt,” you chuckled, every laugh dripping with cynicism. “Is there a way not to feel?”

“Be an android then,” Jihoon replied back with a frown; knowing you wouldn’t use the mood organ.

You sneered. “If only I could. Probably download my consciousness on a mechanical body—they’re developing it now, you know.”

“You’ll miss how to feel. You don’t want to be like me,” he told you as he himself gazed downward, his words reflecting a deep hidden yearning.

“I don’t think so,” you replied defiantly, with a sour tone on your voice. “I will be useless if I can’t do what I’m supposed to do, and my emotions are only in the way.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t understand why you want to remove your feelings. Humans cannot do away in this world without meaning, as what I am told of.”

“It’s ok. I don’t expect you to understand. What do you even know? You only copy humans to manipulate us into thinking that you are one of us. You only mimic feelings and emotions but do not understand the meaning behind them.” your voice was getting louder, harsher, colder; but it’s not like Jihoon could react to your anger. “Emotions brought nothing good to me. They impede with my work, they make me cry at night, they fill me with stress! Without it, I would have gotten on with my life much, much better when Mom died!”

Jihoon didn’t expect the rush of adrenaline surge into his system; a sudden temper induced by you who had emotions he might have wished for, yet you wanted to throw away.

He held on both your arms to stop you from shouting at him—forcing you to look at him straight in the eyes. His platinum hair looked like it was frazzled by static rage as his bangs covered one of his eyes.

“Listen to me. If you hadn’t had any emotions then how would you know if your mother cared for you?  How would you know if she loved you? You cried because you cared for her; because you love her and I, like you said, will never understand that. I will never understand what a meaningful life means, But you will.”

Rendered speechless, you could only stare at him with tears streaming down your cheeks.

“Even if your mother had died, she had loved you when she was alive. She raised you to be a normal human being even though she was alone. And here you are, abandoning everything she gave for you; wanting to forget the love she taught you.”

“I’m—”

“You think being an android is heaven?” he jeered. “Wait till you become one. Wait till you just move because that’s what the program says so; wait till you don’t have things like free will. Wait till you realized that you are nothing but what you are—a clump of metal and plastic stripped around mechanical organs. You don’t feel anything because you’re existence is meaningless and replaceable.”

Jihoon released you from his grasps yet reached out for your hand where the mood organ sat snuggly on your wrist.

“Use it. Dial 999.”

He ordered and you froze with mouth agape; filled with astonishment.

“Dial 999. You don’t have to feel anything you don’t want to.”

You simply stared at him.

“Use it Y/N! Use the fucking mood organ—”

“I can’t, okay?” you shouted…and then sobbed, holding on to his arm which was still on your wrist. “…I can’t…I fucking…can’t…”

The tears which flowed out from you seemed endless as you cried out two years’ worth of grief and hopelessness. Everything that you poured your heart into turned to nothing, the time you spent was all meaningless. You thought things will get better someday but life gradually destroys you day by day; as your situation and the people around you torture you endlessly.

“I don’t know what to do anymore…” you said in between whimpers as you fell between Jihoon’s arms. “If I used the mood organ…what would be left of me then…? Am I only made human because of this, this thing? My emotions will no longer be mine…”

Silently, Jihoon cradled you as he listened to you pour out to him, or to anyone about what you feel for the first time.

“But I’m so tired…tired of keeping up this illusion that I’m strong. I’m…the one always taking care of others…but who takes care of me when I can no longer put up this façade? They…they don’t know I’m so sick of studying…of being perfect. I want to rest already…” you resigned, burying your face on Jihoon’s shoulder and relishing his warmth despite how artificial it technically is. “I know it’s necessary to suffer to succeed, but how would one know if he’s on the path to success? What if all of this suffering turns into nothing? I wish life just has a skip button where I can skip to the point in my life where I’m rich and successful. Fuck this Jihoon, I’m so scared of the future.”

“Sometimes, we just overthink and things don’t really happen, you know?” Jihoon tried to assure you but he knew it wasn’t as effective as he hoped to be.

“I don’t want to get my hopes up and disappoint myself again in the end. The future is full of possibilities, one false move and my life comes crashing down. I wish I could be as easy-going as other people. I feel…so, so jealous of people enjoying their lives…while I’m stuck here trying to be perfect. This isn’t the life I want.”

“You don’t always have to be perfect…” Jihoon whispered in a solemn voice.

“No one will accept me if I wasn’t.” You sniffed, clinging to his black button up for support you dearly needed. “Everyone I know use me for their own purposes because I can get them through school, through life. They will leave me if I’m no longer useful.”

“I’ll accept you,” he replied immediately. “I don’t need you to be anything but yourself. It doesn’t matter to me. I will always be here for you if you need me.”

You chuckled amidst the sobs. “If you talk like that, then I would absolutely believe you. Please say this isn’t an analog hack,”

“I’m not lying. If I am that would just be ironic.”

You leaned back to gaze into his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“If I’m allowed to, I’ll tell you I can understand. Being useless, being abandoned…it’s an android’s greatest fear, if we indeed feel fear. I need to be special for people to use me, so that I can stay by their side and provide myself a sense of purpose.”

Gazing at him with wide eyes, you remarked, “I never knew androids find meaning in their work.”

“I can’t say about the other androids, but that’s what I think.”

For the first time that night, you smiled at him sincerely, as you strung your fingers between his locks, brushing them away from covering his eyes.

“Thank you for being here. There’s just days when I can’t hold it anymore, and need someone to cry on to. Please stay with me like this.”

“I’ll stay. Don’t worry,” he quietly replied, as he coaxed you back between his arms, and allowing you to stay like that as long as you’d like.

Buried on his chest, you hummed in satisfaction. “You’re the warmest android I’ve ever met.”

Your words had him thinking for days.

It wasn’t like a big surprise; he had already known that there was something different with him. Jihoon knew he was curious to a fault and had such a deep yearning to understand the things around him, though he didn’t know if it was because he was programmed to work that way.

Do all androids introspect?

For the first time in several months, Jihoon went outside the lab for a walk. Honestly, he disliked taking walks, or going outdoors, for that matter. Yet today, he suddenly had the urge to do it. He didn’t know why he had urges. He knew androids don’t usually have them. Is this some new feature of the Nexus 9?

It was nice that the colony had a special forest beside the laboratories and everything in it were all the remaining species of trees and plants on earth. After the third world war, radioactive dust from detonated nuclear bombs had ravaged the home planet and gradually killed the flora and fauna. There are people left on earth, mostly those who refused to migrate and specials who aren’t qualified to migrate, and they live in means Jihoon does not find suitable for people. Though even in the colonies, life isn’t as great as they advertised it to be.

He had been wrecking his processor for thinking day and night until his system had warned him that he was heating up. So the next possible solution is to cool it down with the artificial summer breeze blowing through his white blond hair, or so, he tried to reason himself. Why is he even trying to reason to himself? Why is he even trying to explain his reasons?

“Well, isn’t this new?”

Your voice rang suddenly behind him that he immediately turned around and caught you by the shoulder. You didn’t bat an eye at his actions, but instead, chuckled at him for mistaking you as an enemy.

“Relax. I’m not even authorized to carry a laser gun,” you replied with a smirk, as Jihoon released you with a sigh.

“Don’t do that again, please. I might have killed you,” he replied with a severe glare which had you raising both your eyebrows.

“Why not? Even if you had killed me, androids don’t feel any guilt,” you remarked as you slowly narrowed your gaze at him. “Yep. You’re truly weird.”

Jihoon refused to reply and simply glanced at you with a deepening frown. He was beginning to develop a distaste at how you were making him question his own self. He didn’t like how he was so confused; that he had so many questions.

“I still haven’t thanked you yet for the other day, have I? Come on,” you suddenly called his attention and grabbed his wrist, coaxing him to follow you down the forest path.

Jihoon had almost complained at how the grass was pricking his skin and convince you to return home, when you stopped at a clearing, showing you a glittering lake illuminated by the artificial moonlight. It looked truly beautiful as he stepped beside you, eyes wide and lips parted.

“Are you trying to deceive me again?” Your sing-song voice rang to his side as he gazed at you, who had already slid down the lakeside with a grin on your pretty lips. “You look pretty convincing.”

Again tonight, he had refused to reply and simply followed you down your path. In a dry spot covered by dewy grass, the both of you sat and simply observed the glistening lake as you savored the tranquility of the night. Fireflies dotted the evening air as they buzzed around the forest clearing, creating an atmosphere straight out of a fairytale.

“Sad that these fireflies are electronic,” you remarked, catching one with your hand to study the glass wings it had and the luminescent light it emitted from a nano-sized bulb built inside the small insect. “Real ones have long died out.”

“It’s to set the mood of this clearing. You are aware that this forest is a huge AI in of itself, aren’t you?” Jihoon replied, with his natural condescending tone whenever you say something stupid.

You pursed your lips to sulk. “I know, smart-ass. I just wanted to see real insects.”

“Why want a real one? There isn’t really much of a difference between the nanobugs and the real insects.”

“There is a great difference!” you defended. “Real ones don’t exist nowadays! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see one!”

Jihoon scoffed, unable to consider the meaning again. “You humans put context to everything.”

“What’s wrong with that? Maybe that’s why we’re are able to live meaningful lives.”

Your rather pleasant conversation had once again turned into a full-blown debate about humans and androids. Jihoon, in your opinion, had interesting views regarding the current society, and how humans have long been outpaced by their own creations.

“You seem to enjoy talking to me,” Jihoon observed as he watched the artificial breeze sweep pass your locks while you tried to keep your hair in place.

“Because I dislike being lonely,” you replied without sparing him a glance. “But I need to be lonely to get things done. I need to be alone so that I can focus. There are things needed to be sacrificed.”

He raised his brows at you. “What does it feel like to be lonely?”

You inclined your head to your left to think. “The closest I could compare it to android terms is the lack of having an owner to serve. You are unable to do anything; unable to decide something outside of your understanding. An android cannot survive without being used as a tool.”

“Is that why humans seek partners in levels separate from the biological?”

A small huff. “Romance isn’t always about sex and offspring, you know.”

“Then what else is it about?”

Jihoon was now gazing at you intensely, intent of hearing out an answer from you, while you were proud to provide him information. He leaned in closer to hear you, incredibly curious.

“Listen. Liking, and then loving someone is a complex human behavior. Most androids don’t get it at all. But in simpler terms, people show their love in a million various ways and it comes in so many forms but it comes down to a simple factor—empathy, the ability to understand one another.”

“How are humans able to understand one another? I cannot find a straightforward process in the cloud, so I assume this process is based on emotional connections.”

You grinned at him as you inclined closer to his ear as if you were sharing some cool secret. “Correct, Mr. Android. But the problem is, even humans fail to understand one another, and wanna know what happens if humans fail to empathize?”

Jihoon gave an evocative gaze, waiting for an answer.

“War. Conflict. Murder. Death,” you replied, pausing a significant amount of time after every word. “Just like how the Earth is right now—just waiting to wither away underneath all that radioactive dust from nuclear warheads.”

You shook your head at the irony. “But here I am telling you all about this when I myself cannot always understand other people. You couldn’t imagine how difficult it is to understand someone bitching at you day and night; and then adjusting yourself for them.”

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon shook his head. “You’ve lost me there.”

You smile meekly. “Was that too much?”

“No, I just cannot see why you must adjust to someone who is clearly in the wrong. It’s not your fault, you didn’t commit a damn mistake, so why must you change?”

“You see, there are a lot of reasons people act the way they do, and who knows, you might be one of those reasons. If you adjust yourself, then you have removed one of the possibilities, lowering the chances the other person will do the action again. You simply cannot tell a person to change his ways. You can only change yourself.”

Jihoon considered for a while, and gradually nodded as if he had understood the logic.

“Things have become a bit more clearer for me. Thank you,” he replied with a small smile on his lips. Was he trying to deceive you again? How real is that smile?

“You’re always welcome to ask. Besides, it’s not like androids ask me about human behavior every day. In fact, you’re the only I know who had asked.”

Jihoon frowned and hid the fact that he did not like the honor of being the first android who had asked.

“Also, I still haven’t thanked you for staying with me the other night. You made me see things in a better light, and I’m trying to pick myself up from now on. I’ve read a lot of helpful books—”

Honestly, Jihoon had already lost your voice in the background noise as he had once again been swallowed up by his thoughts—thoughts regarding you and empathy. It would’ve been better if he had learned how to empathize so that you wouldn’t have to explain everything to him, and he would be able to simply understand you and your actions. But oh, you forgot to explain the physical aspects…the cloud had suggested a short cut to empathy and it seemed quite feasible.

“—so right now, I’m trying to coordinate my schedule and it seemed to be working. I’m not sure how long weekly planning will work for me, but I’m—”

Without anything—warning shots, preemptive touches, small pauses of time—nothing had prepared you to feel a pair of soft lips pressing against yours as you felt your body go numb in milliseconds. The next thing you felt was the hand cupping your chin, wondering how you had never noticed it before, as he pressed on further, moving his lips on yours and brushing so slightly, so sensually. You would’ve enjoyed the moment if not for the sudden realization that the one kissing you was Jihoon and you had to scramble away, breaking the kiss and Jihoon’s concentration.

Upon noticing your panic, he seized your hand to calm you down and to prevent you from running away. Slowly, Jihoon opened his eyes and met yours inquisitively.

“So tell me, have I established a connection between us now?”

Jihoon had sensed that he must have done something wrong. It had been days since he had last saw you and he had concluded that you were definitely avoiding him after what happened by the lake. However, he doesn’t get it.

“Was the kiss a mistake?” he whispered to himself, touching his lips with the tips of his fingers.

That time, he definitely sensed some circuit burst inside his stomach, however, when he checked his mechanisms later that night, his circuits seemed to be working fine. But, what was that then? He only did what he thought would induce empathy from both of you, yet it seemed to have backfired—prompting you to avoid him, while it caused only confusion for him.

“Did I only widened the gap between us?”

 beep. boop. beep. boop.

Jihoon snapped from his thoughts as he averted his attention towards the incoming call directed to his processor, which was a function he was thankful to have. He didn’t want anyone snooping around who he contacts.

“What?” he snapped, unappreciative of the interruption.

“Yo, Woozi! ‘Sup?” a cheerful, energetic voice echoed in his mind, almost tempting him to mute the caller.

“Stop calling me that. I’m Jihoon now,” he scowled at the invisible caller.

“Then, I ain’t Hoshi anymore. Call me Soonyoung!”

Jihoon rolled his eyes and leaned back against the sofa he had long been sitting on.

“So?”

“So, what?”

“You know, you could easily blend in as a brainless special if you stay on Earth.”

“Ah, you’re harsh as ever.”

“And so? You don’t have a heart to get hurt anyway.”

Soonyoung laughed as Jihoon automatically muted the caller as soon as he passed a certain level of noise. When he had stopped laughing, Jihoon turned on the audio again with a jaded look.

“Alright, fine. I’ll give you what you want,” Soonyoung surrendered as Jihoon sighed, relieved that he didn’t have to go through anymore bullshit. “They’re moving now. They already got to Vernon.”

Jihoon frowned. “So he’s gone?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that they’ve found him.”

“What about you?”

Jihoon could imagine the other’s grin even if he couldn’t see him and clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Oh, are you worried about me, Jihoonie?”

Jihoon growled audibly. “We both know you owe me one, and you’re not allowed to retire without paying me back.”

Soonyoung sighed dramatically over the line. “I get it, okay? Calm the shit down.”

“Good. I don’t want to repeat myself.”

“Sure. Anyway, how about you? It’s been months and they haven’t found you yet in their own labs.”

“Found someone not too bothered to report me.” Jihoon stared at his nails, checking any lodged dirt.

“And…does this person know what you are?”

“Immediately after she set her eyes on me. She’s a pseudo-human behavior engineer.”

“Oh. Oh. Oh.” Soonyoung’s tone turned for a playful dip again, which definitely made Jihoon sigh for the nth time tonight. “So this person’s a ‘she’! I can’t believe you’re cruel enough to deceive her!”

Jihoon was definitely disliking the way he’s painting him into a villain. “I’m not deceiving her. Haven’t you heard me? She’s an android engineer and she knows if I use analog hack on her, and I don’t use it.”

If he could see Soonyoung, Jihoon swore the other android will definitely raise his brows at him.

“There’s a possibility that you aren’t even aware you’re already deceiving her.”

Jihoon scoffed. “I don’t have a subconscious to do that.”

“But we’re androids designed to copy humans, it’s not that too difficult to go back to default processes.”

He was having none of it. “I’m not deceiving her. Anyway, I’ll contact you when I need something. Now leave me in peace.”

Without even waiting for a reply, Jihoon turned off his communication signature to rid himself of his exhausting companion. As soon as his attention was back to the empty and desolate space of the laboratory, he had noticed something odd.

“It’s already late. She should be here by now.”

While he was voicing out his observations, Jihoon was already searching for you—hacking into various electronic devices, CCTVs, your school gate’s log and so—yet in all the places you could be, he had not found your whereabouts.

“This isn’t good,” Jihoon muttered to himself, with a tight furrow on his brow. He tried looking at camera footages from the last few hours and in just half a minute, Jihoon found out what happened to you.

Somewhere while walking to the lab a few hours ago, a white van had pulled over where men donned in black came up behind you. Jihoon saw someone cover your nose with a handkerchief which he guessed was doused with chloroform and when you no longer had the consciousness to fight back, the men had carried you into the van and drove away.

While watching, Jihoon was already hacking into a self-driving car which was already waiting for him when he had emerged from the laboratory. As soon as he entered the vehicle, Jihoon began hacking his way into the colony’s security system so that he could track where the men had taken you. The car began moving when he had finally tracked you down—not so difficult for a military-grade android.

“The fuck do I know.”

You spat out vehemently, despite being tied into a chair and wired to a lie detector machine, and another which sends controlled volts to your system upon a tap on a tablet.

It should have been a normal day for you, yet when you were abducted just as you were going to the lab, this man has been interrogating you for almost half an hour already about an android your mother had supposedly made.

“Alright little girl. We’re not playing games here,” the man, masked and voice altered, warned you for the fifth time. “We know you have it! The SVT-class android Type 07 Woozi. Where is it?!”

With gritted teeth, you threw daggers at the man. “I already told you. I don’t know any Woozi!”

Well technically, you don’t. But it’s not like you—!!

A surge of electricity ran up your spine and left as soon as it entered. However, it had left you jerking horribly.

“I’ll ask again. Where is it?”

You glared, drool slipping down your lips. “I don’t…know.”

Volts shot straight up through your skin, this time longer. You writhe in agony.

“Two years ago, your mother Dr. Y/LN was the chief engineer of the Nexus 9 project. She had developed all of the SVT-class andys, but if that’s everything there is to it, she shouldn’t be dead right now?”

You froze at the revelation and wondered if you could trust what this person was talking about. As far as you know, your mom had died because she was shot by an android during the riot in Hangar 15. She was just unlucky to be at the wrong time and place.

“What do you mean? She was killed by an andy in the riot…she’s just unlucky.”

You could hear the man sneer behind his mask.

“There’s no such thing as luck.”

He operated a terminal and showed you several holographic images of a strange device and a screenshot of programming codes. You studied them carefully and you immediately knew what the device was, and you couldn’t believe what was just laid in front of you.

“That’s a lie!” You cried out but the masked man only laughed. “It’s impossible to create an empathy organ, and nobody has ever succeeded—”

“That’s why you’re mother’s dead, little girl.”

Instantly, you were reduced to silence; eyes darting back and forth to the man and the images he had shown you.

“Without permission from the organization, your mother had installed empathy organs inside the SVT-class androids. When the organization realized what she did, they had her killed. The riot was only a cover.”

You couldn’t believe what you’re hearing. “No, no. That’s not true!”

“Now, these androids have escaped and we want them. So, where is it?”

You shook from your restraints as you chewed on your lip—deciding what to do even though you still haven’t digested yet what big of an information the man has given you.

“I…I…the android…”

 —!!

A huge explosion stopped you before you could utter something coherent. Instinctively, you moved your face away from the debris suddenly hurling on the air in speeds you couldn’t calculate. Within seconds, you sensed yourself being freed from your restraints, and your heart leapt when you were then lifted from the ground and carried bridal style, your arms flying to cling to his shoulders for support.

“Sorry I was late.”

When you heard Jihoon’s voice, you immediately relaxed and felt relieved that you were finally safe. As the dust and debris fell away, you could see his eyes were on you, though you couldn’t read what he was thinking. As if finally deciding what to do, Jihoon moved you outside of the building, which was actually a warehouse, and placed you inside a self-driving car waiting nearby.

“We’ll go home after I take care of this one,” he silently told you and casually walked back inside.

When you had heard his words, you felt that there was something off with him. You couldn’t put it but you knew something was definitely going to happen and you were not going to like it. Despite the fact that you wanted to see what Jihoon was about to do, your body refused to allow you—the surges of electricity finally affecting your muscles, rendering them immovable or languid.

“Fuck this.”

Meanwhile, Jihoon kicked away the offending wood and twisted metal as if they were as heavy as pillows. His eyes were strained to only accomplish one mission—to look for the shitheads who kidnapped and tortured you. Though in a few seconds, it wasn’t his eyes which found them.

Dodging, a laser beam had missed him within a few centimeters as he retaliated back with a wave of electricity, visible as lightning and hurts just as much. Unlucky for Jihoon, the men had armor which protected them from his attack, and only left their laser guns unusable. Well, at least they’re unarmed.

Jihoon rushed towards his first victim within a blink of an eye, as he knocked the air out of him with a punch in the gut as strong as being hit by a freight train. He didn’t need to turn around to incapacitate the man who came running towards his back with a metal pipe, as Jihoon simply magnetized a sheet of metal to slice through the man’s neck.

Inside the car, you could hear the commotion going on and you willed your legs to move with desperation. You guessed that he was going to kill those men and you were absolutely right. He is a tool used for warfare and would not hesitate to rid himself of his enemies. That was what you had sensed in his words.

“Move, damn it!”

You cried out, slamming your fists repeatedly on your thigh. Maybe through sheer will, you regained a bit of control, albeit with little strength. Nonetheless, you crawled your way out of the car, and towards the destruction Jihoon was about to commit.

With only the leader who Jihoon purposely left out, the blond android casually approached the panicked man as he tried desperately to run away; except that Jihoon had his armor glued to the ground through electromagnetism as soon as he figured out that the armor was absorbing electric currents yet are not immune to magnetism.

Jihoon gazed at the man with impassiveness. “Heard you were looking for me. So here I am.”

The man couldn’t utter a single coherent word; his head all too riddled with anxiety to think of anything other than his eminent death.

“Also heard you electrocuted Y/N,” Jihoon inclined his head towards the side to wait for a reply, and when he heard none, the android picked up the man by the neck; his feet dangling on the air. “I’m curious what it feels like to electrocute someone.”

“S-so it’s true…y-you androids have, h-have an empathy organ…!” the man remarked as he sensed the anger in Jihoon’s voice, though he began wheezing when he felt his airpipes being gradually crushed.

“I apologize. I cannot comprehend,” Jihoon’s voice was void of any emotion. “Anyway, this ends here.”

“Jihoon, no—!”

Surprised to hear your voice, Jihoon averted his gaze towards you, who was heavily leaning against the concrete wall, all exhausted from reaching him. You took in your surroundings as you realized that he was already in for the last kill, and knew that you were too late, but still…

“Don’t kill him please. I’ll…I’ll just call the cops…”

Jihoon arched his brow, tightening his grip on the man who began to struggle to get out.

“Why? He tortured you. Don’t you feel angry?” the android asked, with a face still stoic.

“Just…just don’t kill him, please…” you pleaded, holding on to your still immovable arm.

You weren’t really sure what will happen as Jihoon simply stared at you, maybe studying the expression you had on your face, or maybe trying to comprehend the logic behind your request. But when Jihoon let go of the man (though, keeping him place as he stepped on the man’s leg, and a look that meant his limb will get ripped off if he doesn’t stop writhing), you sighed in relief.

“Alright, I won’t kill him. But I’ll call the cops and report the incident,” Jihoon’s voice and eyes were ice cold, which frightened you for a bit. “I won’t risk getting found.”

You nodded with a tiny smile on your face when he did what you wanted. “Let’s go home.”

“Wait for a bit, and oh, please look away,” Jihoon asked but you couldn’t understand what he had meant, but when he had picked up a metal pipe and pinned it through the man’s thigh without any sort of expression or effort, you wished you had followed him sooner.

The blond seemed to have understood the look of concern on your face and immediately took the measures to explain. “Don’t worry. I already called the police and he won’t die from bleeding if the pipe is stuck to his thigh.”

Jihoon removed his foot from the man’s leg and walked towards you, who looked as if you had seen something you shouldn’t. As soon as he got to you, Jihoon pulled you towards his arms and embraced you tightly, slowly patting your head.

“I told you to look away,” he reprimanded albeit softly.

His words seemed to have snapped the dam in you as you began sobbing on his chest, unable to control your emotions swelling up from inside you. Jihoon knew that the event left a huge trauma in you and could only comfort you, which was not one of his many talents.

“Let’s get you home, ok?”

Later that night as Jihoon finally had you sleeping against his chest, all sprawled out on the sofa, he received a call from Soonyoung.

“Mission accomplished, sir!”

“What did he say?”

“Just as you predicted. The guy’s from a competing android producer and they wanted to have the empathy organ.”

Jihoon hummed, finding this type of communication advantageous since he doesn’t have to speak as his processor directly receives the encryption and translates it into thoughts. This way, you don’t have to hear the conversation.

“Did you find any information about it?”

“Only pictures. I’ll send them to you right now. But I still haven’t found where it came from. I think that’s your specialty though.”

“Alright, just give them to me and I’ll trace it.”

“Got it. Anyway, you just tricked the goddamn girl. You told her you called the police, when it was me you actually called.”

“And the point is?” Jihoon looked at the ceiling and followed the lines formed by the lined titanium sheets, as he draped an arm over your shoulder and caressed your hair.

“You told me you wouldn’t a few hours ago?”

“I’m just protecting her. They’ll be back, so I’m simply nipping it in the bud.”

“But you also asked me to torture the guy?”

“An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Besides, we got information.”

Jihoon could hear Soonyoung hum playfully on the other end. “An andy through and through. Anything for the owner, huh?”

He checked his nails once again. “She’s not my owner.”

Soonyoung paused for quite a long time that Jihoon thought the other had finally left the line, but when he had begun shouting, Jihoon had to turn off the audio in annoyance.

“What? What? What? She’s not your fucking owner?!”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” The blond arched his brow.

“Everything is wrong with that! Why are you letting her use you when she’s not your owner?! Why are you devoting yourself to her like she owns you?! Why haven’t you asked her to be your owner?!”

“Alright, Soonyoung. Shut up before I hang up.”

“Sorry, it’s just that…I just can’t believe you…is this really you I’m talking to?”

Jihoon rolled his eyes. “As if there’s anyone who could steal my communication signature.”

“Wow…I just…wow…if we’re human, I would’ve said she got you whipped.”

The other frowned at the remark. “I’m hanging up. I’ll contact you again soon.”

“Huh? Wait, Jihoon—”

Again, Jihoon disregarded all the bullshit Soonyoung says and turned off his intercom. As silence filled his head once again, he glanced down on you who was peacefully sleeping on his chest on top of him, free of any worries of the real world. He already had his hand gently stroking your head, as he continued to take in all of you.

If he really had an empathy organ inside him, then it must have been real. He had done a lot of unexplainable shit that most androids will not understand or even do, as expressed by Soonyoung. (But that shithead will understand sooner or later, Jihoon smirked since all of the SVT line was said to be equipped by an empathy organ.)

So what if he indeed has one?  Was he still an android? Will his actions become more unexplainable in the future?  Today, Jihoon seemed to have gained more questions than answers. But he knew he wanted to understand you.

Days following the incident, you did your own investigative search about the empathy organ. Of course, you don’t want to believe your mother had created something so revolutionary nor do you want to believe Jihoon had one. He had acted so impassive and merciless all that time when he had saved you, which still send shivers through your spine, and that was a valid indication that he is an android.

On the other hand, Jihoon seemed to be as normal as he could be. He didn’t try to kiss you again, which was a relief because any more than that was seriously dangerous. You knew a lot of androids leisurely using a human being’s capability to be compassionate as a means to manipulate and you could vouch how powerful this could be, since you were one of the people who developed androids to reach this level of mimicry of the human behavior. As a human being, you weren’t immune despite how much you want to be indifferent. You still have emotions, which you refuse to let go of, and these emotions could easily be used against you by an android as high of a class as Jihoon. In the end, you still trust that everything he does was not to manipulate you.

“Y/N?”

His voice jolted you awake from your half asleep state on the sofa, papers about the SVT line all sprawled on your chest since you were studying them before you fell slightly asleep.

Sitting up, you replied as you rubbed your eyes. “Yeah? What is it?”

“Well, I want to ask something about how human emotions operate,” Jihoon began as he sat beside you, a terminal on his hands, which had something paused on its holographic screen.

“Ask away.”

Yawning and folding your legs to your chest in a fetal position, you listened to Jihoon’s question with interest.

“I’ve watched videos, movies and read articles and books about romance and how it involves human love. I’ve seen that it has physical and mental aspects, and just like you said, it isn’t always about biologically expanding the human species. I’ve analyzed that coupling brings about better understanding of one another by building emotional connections. A good way to exercise empathy. So, what if an android like me wants to do just that?”

If you weren’t shocked by his question, then you don’t know what you were feeling. His question was a good one. Most androids think but don’t understand neither do they give meaning to the things around them or what they do. They simply copy what humans do because it is what their program says, and it is the most effective and logical way to accomplish what they are programmed to do—a mere means to the ends. However, as Jihoon poses this very question, you knew the world was at its turning point, whether or not it had realized it.

“It’s impossible. You don’t have emotions to connect…to, to empathize,” you replied cautiously.

“Let’s say the engineers have invented something which enables me to do so. What then? Will humans respond in kind?” Jihoon persisted, much to your fears. You knew it was possible with the empathy organ, which might be embedded in Jihoon.

“Humans tend to empathize with everything that looks human. From animals with their big round eyes which induces motherly instincts because they look like babies who needed to be protected, to…to androids who look absolutely human,” you replied, looking at him with knowing eyes. “Of course, like anything revolutionary, there will an opposition.”

Jihoon considered your thoughts for a while and then continued. “What about you?”

You froze on your spot, afraid and unsure with your lips parted and eyes wide as both of you stared into each other’s eyes.

“You know,” you began with a small voice. “There’s a study that says if you stare into another person’s eyes, for several minutes as you share with each other your deepest emotions, fears and dreams, you will fall in love.”

The android was quiet, wondering what you were trying to imply—his calculations unable to predict your line of thought as it broke into a million pathways.

“If you have a soul, then it is possible for an android to…fall in love,” you were reluctant to complete your sentence but when you did, you felt the reality of it all reflecting on his dark cocoa eyes.

“Is it possible for me to have a soul then?” Jihoon asked, voice as soft as yours.

“An empathy organ is your ticket way there.”

“What if I do have one? Are you willing to try it with me?”

You knew Jihoon was sincerely asking you to try and love him, or everything to his wide eyes, parted lips and pleading expression was a lie, a well-crafted mimicry.

Closing your eyes, you turned your head away and sucked in a breath. He was getting into your system. Fuck, that study seemed true.

“I’m sorry…I’m not sure yet,” you replied, now avoiding his gaze.

“Why? Is it because it is unacceptable to have a relationship with an android?” Jihoon asked.

“No, I don’t really care about that…it’s just that I…I…”

You couldn’t say it. You don’t want to hurt him.

“Then what?”

“I…just…it’s just that—”

“You don’t trust me, do you?”

Frozen on your spot, you stopped your incessant movements and reprimanded yourself for hinting that he had hit you right at the jackpot.

“No, I…! I’m just scared, okay?”

Jihoon narrowed his eyes at you, frowning and cynic. “You’re scared I’ll use analog hack on you. You’re not sure if everything I say is true.”

You pursed your lips as you looked down, eyes beginning to wet. “I’m…I’m sorry.”

Jihoon sighed, his shoulder deflating as he looked at your crumpled figure. ��I’ll leave you in peace.”

Standing up, Jihoon walked away with hands on his pockets towards the exit. You knew he was disappointed, or appeared to be, but you just couldn’t help but also look out for yourself. There was no certainty that he wouldn’t leave you for dead just like he did with your kidnappers and the thought of his soon-to-be betrayal left your heart wringing.

“Y/N, we got company.”

You immediately scrambled by the time you heard Jihoon, who was supposed to be outside, suddenly whisper to you in a low voice. Glancing behind him, you saw a man in a trench coat with a large briefcase on hand entering the lab.

“Bounty hunter?” you asked with sheer suspicion.

“Bingo.”

The both of you stood side by side as the man approached the two of you with a courteous smile.

“Good day, sir, ma’am. Let me introduce myself, I’m Detective Choi Seungcheol,” he reached out his hand which both of you shook cordially.

“Is there anything we could help you, detective? I hope we haven’t done something wrong,” you began, a smile on your face trained for situations such as this.

“Oh, don’t worry. You are, Ms. Y/N L/N, I presume? And he is um…Mr. Lee Jihoon?” Detective Choi replied as he checked his papers.

“Yeah, my um…my boyfriend,” you improvised, unable to think of the most appropriate relationship with him. You had concluded that before he came him, Choi had already checked you and Jihoon’s background, which you assumed was already fabricated by the android long before you met him.

“Yeah, well…I just moved a few months ago from the west colony,” Jihoon added, his ears red, giving the illusion of him embarrassed. You were amazed how much they could do.

“Oh, I see. Recently, there’s news about escaped Nexus 9 androids and there were reports that one could be here. So just to make sure, are you willing to take a Voigt-Kampff test?” Choi asked, both you and Jihoon glancing at one another.

“Sure, who’s going to take it first?” you asked, an eager to help smile on your lips.

“You. And only you,” Choi threw in a sly grin masked as a reassuring smile as he sat on the provided seat.

“Sure, no problem. How does this go?” you replied, as you gazed back to Jihoon, who simply held your hand for comfort.

The detective installed his device on top of a metal table you provided as you sat in front of it with an unsure look on your face, wondering why you were being tested but also relieved that Jihoon wasn’t being suspected as one.

“So, these patches on your cheeks will detect slight movements on your face as I read to you scenarios that will determine whether or not you’re an android. Let’s begin?”

You nodded quietly as Choi seated himself in front of you, holding a few cards as he chose the first scenario.

“A cat was ran down by a car, its organs spilling on the asphalt.”

You felt your stomach drop as the image popped into your head. Your breath hitched as you simply frowned.

“I’m sorry…” you replied, as you studied what Choi was doing, glancing at the meter before him and taking in some notes on his small leather notebook.

“Second one. A dog has been clubbed to death because it had bitten a someone,” Choi continued, looking at you expectantly, yet you were silent.

“That’s just…cruel,” you remarked, gritting your teeth.

“I swear you’re the most quiet I’ve ever tested,” the detective confessed. “Third. You saw your mother tortured. They would hit her head when she refused to confess to a crime, and they would leave her in a freezer naked until she gives up, but that doesn’t end there. An android who looks like you is then sent to slowly cut her fingers—”

“STOP! Stop! Stop it!” you suddenly shouted, pushing yourself away from the table, as you covered your ears. Tears were already running down your cheeks as Jihoon hurriedly came to your side, crouching to your level with an arm over your scrunched figure.

“That does it. She’s an android.”

Right after he said those words, the detective grabbed a laser gun from his briefcase and pointed it at you.

Everything was swirling inside your head and you couldn’t believe your fears had materialized faster than you had expected. It would be a no-brainer if Jihoon had already planned this months before, framing you as the android instead of him, so that he could forever be free from the bounty hunters. You didn’t want to hear it right from Jihoon’s mouth that you were duped and utterly fooled since day one.

“What the fuck are you on about?! I’m the goddamn android here, not her!”

His voice rang in front of you, his words a direct confession and a death flag. The impulsiveness of Jihoon’s action had you glance up to him, who was in front of you, shielding you from the laser gun the bounty hunter was holding. You couldn’t believe what he just did.

“If you’re an android, you wouldn’t say that,” Choi retorted back with a grin. “Stop protecting your girlfriend. She’s just analog hacking you!”

“Fuck you,” Jihoon simply replied and grabbed your hand, tossing the metal table up on the air as a distraction when both of you ran towards the exit.

“Hey!” The detective shouted, running after the two of you and shooting laser beams towards your direction.

Easily, Jihoon redirected the laser beams with his electricity and it went up, hitting the concrete beam connecting the two upper labs. You knew you were toast when Jihoon carried you on his back to dodge the large blocks of rock falling. Luckily, it was also blocking the way and the two of you sped up, losing Choi on the chase.

Heading towards the nearby docking bay, the two of you hid behind towers of cargo containers and rested for a while.

“Jihoon, what was—”

“Could you shut up for a while? I’m trying to keep us two alive here.”

“Hey! I just got fucking accused as an android when I’m clearly not—”

This time, Jihoon muffled your mouth with his lips pressed against yours. It was quite effective in keeping you frozen in place.

“Be quiet or that shithead will find us. I’m not done charging yet.”

You nodded quietly, still digesting what had happened.

“Alright. Stay here and don’t come out. I’d rather not see you dead,” Jihoon bid you farewell as he climbed the tower of containers, getting high as much as possible.

“Fuck this, Jihoon!” you cursed him as he had left you alone and without anything to protect yourself.

With the highest view, Jihoon could clearly see where Choi was.

Everything had gone out of his predictions as humans again proved to be quite unpredictable. He didn’t expect the bounty hunter would accuse you as an android as it was definitely clear as day that you were human through and through. Now, he had to protect you and fend for himself, but he didn’t really feel constrained by extra work. In fact, he was more than motivated to keep the fucker’s hands away from you.

Jihoon picked up a large device sitting on top of the container. It was a large but sleek device shaped like a slim black rectangle, yet when Jihoon had pulled the handle on its center and turned it clockwise, the device had morphed into a complex weapon, large arms extended from the center as it formed into something akin to a large gun. Holding it in one hand, Jihoon pressed firmly on the trigger, and pointed it towards the unsuspecting human as electric energy poured into the device and when the blond android let the trigger go, a laser blast hurled towards Choi.

Unfortunately, Choi was too jumpy for it to hit directly and Jihoon missed within half a meter, the android clicking his tongue in irritation as it only hit the nearby container. Jihoon again turned the trigger around as the weapon transformed once more; now breaking into several floating stakes, as it spread out into the area.

Now that Choi knew where he was, Jihoon swiftly moved to the next towers to conceal his location. On the other hand, you were scrambling to cover yourself when you heard the explosion, unable to do anything but to hide. However, when you saw that the explosion had caused a domino effect among the following tower of containers, you ignored Jihoon’s warning and ran before you get squashed to death.

Jihoon knew he had to move in for the kill before Choi finds you, so in a fast attack which involved kicking the detective with a dash of electric surge as dessert, he did just that but Choi was more veteran than expected and blocked his kick with his arms lined with anti-static material. Moving away, Choi had time to shoot a few beams but were unsuccessful when Jihoon simply bent them with electric currents, hitting the containers behind them; much thanks to classical physics.

Wasting no time, Jihoon drove a punch right in Choi’s gut which had him flying towards the end of the aisle. Walking towards the bounty hunter, Jihoon was however alerted that you had moved from your place, and when he got back to Choi, the guy had already disappeared.

Y/N, why are you so talented in screwing my head over and over again?!

You ran towards wherever you found was the most peaceful and quiet. You wondered if Jihoon was fine, yet you knew that he could take on an army and return unscathed, so you weren’t that worried. Turning by the nearby alley, you found a laser gun pointed at you.

“Gotcha.”

 By the time Jihoon found you, he had already found Choi pointing a gun on your head as he held you by the neck.

“I swear I can explain,” you began but Jihoon simply looked at you with an unimpressed look on his face.

“I told you to stay in one place, Y/N,” he replied back, rolling his eyes at you. “I can’t always come and save you every single time!”

“But if I don’t move, the containers will crush me! I don’t exactly want to die, Jihoon!” You retorted, your voice getting louder.

“Then what am I supposed to do? He’s got you at gun point! Now I have to think of a way to get you out of there!”

You scoffed, hands on your hips as Choi looked at the two of you awkwardly. “If you don’t want to save me, then why am I even your girlfriend? Break up with me and save your sorry ass yourself! I can take care of myself!”

Jihoon laughed mockingly, now clearly irked. “You aren’t even licensed to have a laser gun, so, how, I pray, are you supposed to fucking beat a bounty hunter?”

“Don’t underestimate me, Jihoon! I have my ways!”

“Like what? The other night you were whining about how you’re supposed to pass your subjects!”

You audibly huffed. “Ok, you’ve gone too far, you little shit. I’ll prove to you that I can do this. Let me go, detective!”

“Alright, alright! I don’t want to interrupt but we’re kinda in the middle of something here!?” Choi shouted quite annoyed, as he held on your neck tighter. “Don’t move or else I’ll blow a hole through your head.”

Jihoon rolled his eyes at you again, uncrossing his arms. “Just pull the trigger Choi. She’s just gonna be a pain all night anyway.”

“What! How dare you!” you shouted angrily, struggling around Choi’s arm holding you.

“So what do you want? Haven’t I already shown you that I’m the android here?” Jihoon ignored you completely, much to your chagrin.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll release her…if I got to shoot you,” the bounty hunter grinned, as the android simply removed his hands from his pockets.

“Alright. I’m all yours,” Jihoon immediately said, his arms up on the air as you stared at him in disbelief.

“No, wait! Fuck! I’m the android, ok? It’s not him! Kill me instead,” you cried out, writhing and panicking as soon as you saw the hunter’s gun pointed at Jihoon. “No, no! Shit.”

Without any explanation, Choi had let go of you and of course, you came running towards Jihoon’s side.

“Bye-bye.”

In a split second, Jihoon knew what was about to happen and it didn’t take him long to find a solution.

He pulled you towards him as soon as he had reached you and when Choi pulled the trigger of his laser gun, Jihoon was already behind you, covering your back from the oncoming laser beam. He didn’t know he actually felt something about death—he didn’t want to. Yet, for your sake, he’ll catch the bullet.

You were thrown to the ground in a painful blow, unable to process what had just happened. You sensed Jihoon covering your back, holding you tightly, as black smoke from what the beam had hit rose to the air.

“You two passed the test.”

Choi’s words echoed across the desolate cargo bay as he dropped his laser gun, walking away from you two. The meaning of the bounty hunter’s words finally got to you, and finally checked if Jihoon was alright. As it turned out, he was already gazing at you with a puzzled look on his face.

“Why? Why did you kill me?” Jihoon asked, his voice ringing.

Choi stopped walking. “An android will never sacrifice his life for someone else. Especially when she’s not his owner.”

“T-thank you!” You yelled back, your hand shaking as Jihoon held on it tightly.

“No worries, ma’am. These days, being a bounty hunter warrants more effort than I’m getting paid for. I’m exhausted. I’ll see you somewhere these days.”

He didn’t look back.

“We’re seriously looking into that empathy organ,” you remarked, settling in between Jihoon’s arms as you watched the colony rotate the solar panels outside the glass dome of the cargo bay.

Jihoon felt a circuit jump, or maybe it was a binary code—he didn’t care that much, but nonetheless, in human terms, he felt happy. Tightening his arms around you, Jihoon pulled you closer to his body.

“Does that mean you want to try the experiment?” he asked with a restrained grin, looking down on your face as his platinum blond bangs brushed against your cheek.

“We humans call it dating. But since you’re an android, everything’s an experiment,” you replied with a playful smirk, which then disappeared when you sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you before.”

Jihoon shook his head. “It’s okay. That’s understandable. I’m aware we androids have a penchant for analog hack, and I was warned I might be doing it unconsciously. I don’t want that to happen.”

“I’ll trust you despite that. It’s going to be hard but let’s see if that empathy organ is the real deal,” you grinned, poking his side.

“Are you sure?” Jihoon asked. “It’s going to be like infecting yourself with the disease and checking if the cure is effective.”

You chuckled. “Great analogy. But I know what I’m doing. Who knows we might have stumbled upon the future already.”

“If it’s enough for me to act mushy and cringey like this, I guess it’s stronger than we have estimated,” Jihoon joked around as both of you laughed together.

“We’ll see.”

Jihoon nodded and placed a chaste kiss on your forehead. “We’ll see.”

-Hyeri

[innerchilddailywrk]

25 Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child

Feeling Safe Inner Child image

Pay close attention to these signs. They will help you learn the general extent to which your inner child has been wounded and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world. The more signs you say “yes” to, the more you need to seriously consider inner child work:

In the deepest part of me, I feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I experience anxiety whenever contemplating doing something new.

I’m a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.

I’m a rebel. I feel more alive when I’m in conflict with others.

I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.

I feel guilty standing up for myself.

I feel inadequate as a man or woman.

I’m driven to always be a super-achiever.

I consider myself a terrible sinner and I’m afraid of going to hell.

I constantly criticize myself for being inadequate.

I’m rigid and perfectionistic.

I have trouble starting or finishing things.

I’m ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.

I rarely get mad, but when I do, I become rageful.

I have sex when I don’t really want to.

I’m ashamed of my bodily functions.

I spend too much time looking at pornography.

I distrust everyone, including myself.

I am an addict or have been addicted to something.

I avoid conflict at all costs.

I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.

I feel more responsible for others than for myself.

I never felt close to one or both of my parents.

My deepest fear is being abandoned and I’ll do anything to hold onto a relationship.

I struggle to say “no.”

If you answered yes to ten or more of these statements, working with your inner child should be at the top of your priority list. If you answered yes to five or more of these statements, you should seriously consider reconnecting with your inner child.

How to Support Your Inner Child in Feeling Safe

Inner child healing image

Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible. – Paulo Coelho

We all have an inner child. When was the last time you spoke or connected with yours? How often do you take the time to tune in and listen to your needs? Do you regularly make space to play and enjoy life?

As human beings, we are not linear or two-dimensional creatures. We are all multi-faceted and have multiple selves. Think about it for a moment: the ‘you’ currently reading this article is very different from the ‘you’ joking around with colleagues, isn’t it? The ‘you’ in the middle of the night is very different from the ‘you’ going to the movies with your partner or friend. The ‘you’ talking to your parents is very different from the ‘you’ talking with your boss.

Your inner child is an essential part of the intricate patchwork that makes up your identity. When you ignore or deny your inner child, he/she is doomed to wither away within the deep dark vaults of your unconscious mind.

Disclaimer: there is so much pain to be faced with inner child work. But there is also so much joy and so much vitality to be experienced. One of the most exciting and miraculous parts of inner child work is that often hidden gifts and aptitudes that we’ve long lost touch with emerge. Not only that, but many of our relationships improve, our addictions/habits lessen or fade away, and our connection with ourselves deepens. Self-love and acceptance are finally possible. I’m not saying you will experience all of these benefits right away, but you will most certainly experience something beneficial so long as you’re committed!

Also, I want to say here that these exercises are not intended to replace therapy, programs or groups for the inner child or child abuse. If you’ve gone through child sexual abuse, severe emotional abuse, or have a mental illness, seeking professional help is essential. This article is only meant to be a supplement. Finally, if you experience strange or overwhelming emotions while practicing the advice below, please stop immediately. Seek the help of a professional counselor before proceeding.

Remember that everything takes time. The practices below are not quick fixes. They’re not sparkly wands that will immediately make everything better. But they will give you the basic tools you need for feeling safe, secure, and protected at a core level. I truly hope you find something below that will nourish you and your relationship with your inner child. And remember, if you need more in-depth help, I recommend finding more inner child healing exercises in our Inner Child Journal.

Here are the summarized points:

Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

Write a letter to your inner child

Write a letter from your inner child

Share your pain with a trusted person

Loving and supportive affirmations

Do an inner child visualization/meditation

Be your own protector and nurturer

I’ll go more in-depth into these points below:

1. Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

You might like to get a piece of paper or document on your computer and divide your childhood into the following stages: Infant Self (0-9 months), Toddler Self (9 months to 3 years), Preschool Self (3-6 years), and School-Aged Self (6 years to puberty).

Within each stage, try your best to recall how you felt, what life was like, and how safe, supported, and accepted you felt. Keep in mind that feeling safe as a child didn’t always have to do with the family environment. Often the school or other environments that we spent a lot of time in shaped our inner child. Record any memories or physical sensations you had, even if they feel fragmented. Record the tones of voice, expressions, and words your parents or teaches used when interacting with you. Even if a memory seems silly or a reaction you remember having seemed excessive, please write it down. As an adult, it’s important to honor what your inner child authentically experienced, even if it seems ridiculous or exaggerated as an adult.

The more information and emotionally-charged material you have for a particular age range, the more you need to focus on connecting with that particular stage. I’ll share with you how below.

2. Write a letter TO your inner child

Imagine that you’re a wise, gentle, and loving wizard or fairy godmother. Imagine that you want to adopt your inner child. As you write the letter, tell your inner child how much you love them and want to spend time with them. Write in a way that makes you feel safe, cared for, and understood. Here’s an example from a letter I have written to my inner child:

Dear Little Ale,

I’m so happy you’re born. I am here to protect, love, and care for you. I want to help you feel loved and accepted for who you are. I want to show you that it’s safe to be heard, to feel, and to be seen. I want you to feel like you will always have a home with me no matter what. I want to help and guide you every step of the way. I love you so much.

Love, Fairy Godmother Aletheia

If you feel emotional during this process, it’s okay. Let yourself cry and be proud of your courage to express how you truly feel.

3. Write a letter FROM your inner child

Using your non-dominant hand (in order to bypass your logical side of the brain), write yourself a letter from the perspective of your inner child. For example, if you are usually right-handed, use your left hand to write. Using your non-dominant hand will help you get more in touch with the feelings of your inner child. Here is my own example of my inner child speaking to me:

Dear Godmother,

I want to find home. Please protect me. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.

Love, Little Ale

You can write back and forth between your Wizard/Fairy Godmother self and your little self. Creating this conversation often reveals a lot of surprising and buried emotions, and new information.

4. Share your pain with a trusted person

It is important that the pain you went through as a child is validated and heard by someone. Whether you seek out a caring friend, support group, or trusted therapist please understand that sharing your feelings is essential to all inner child work. Sure, you can do it alone. And you can do a lot of deep work alone in general. But in order to experience a ‘breakthrough’ or even just to heal deeply, sharing is important. We are social creatures who need others to hold space for us. Your pain needs to be lovingly validated. If the person you’re sharing your inner child work with is questioning, arguing, or trying to give advice to you, you’re not getting what you need!

Here, it is vital for me to emphasize the need to seek real caring and nurturing support. If you don’t have friends who are mature or capable enough of doing this, please consider finding a therapist or spiritual counselor. There are many affordable options out there. Investing in your well-being and mental health IS worth it. There are also many professionals out there who specialize in inner child work or hold workshops. Counselor and self-help writer John Bradshaw writes “I believe that group work is the most powerful form of therapy” when referring to inner child work. But one thing: please don’t share with your family members, even if they are caring. Family members who have not done their own inner child work are much less capable of dealing with yours. Defensiveness, anger, finger-pointing, and grief may result in sharing your feelings with family members, so please don’t do it.

Sharing takes tremendous courage and inner strength. It’s normal and okay to feel scared! Feel the fear, and if you feel ready, share anyway.

5. Loving and supportive affirmations

Loving affirmations are a powerful way to affirm your worthiness and support your journey in feeling safe. When repeated consistently, affirmations have a way of rewiring the brain and sinking down into unconscious layers of programming. Repeating such messages can result in deep change and healing at a primal level.

Here are some loving and supportive affirmations you can say to yourself throughout the day and during meditation:

I will stay here and support you.

Welcome to the world, I’ve been waiting to hold you.

I love you just the way you are.

I’m so glad you’re here.

I want to take care of you.

I want to spend time with you.

I want to hear your thoughts and feelings.

It’s OK to feel sad and scared.

It’s OK to be yourself.

You’re allowed to say no.

You are so special to me.

You have so much to offer the world.

I believe in you.

I will protect you against harm.

You can say these affirmations as many times as you need, whenever is necessary during the day. You might even like to use a special voice when saying these affirmations, such as the voice of a wise old man or a loving mother.

Also feel free to create your own loving affirmations! The list above will help you get started, but often the most powerful affirmations organically arise from your deepest needs.

6. Do an inner child visualization/meditation

You will need to dedicate about half an hour or more to this exercise. Find a quiet and comfortable space, and either sit or lie down.

Imagine that you are about to meet your inner child. You walk outside into your backyard and he/she is playing in a sandbox. What age is he/she? You walk up to your inner child and sit down. “Hello,” you might say, introducing yourself. You look into the eyes of your inner child. What is he/she feeling towards you? Curiosity? Trepidation? Shyness? Skepticism? Excitement? Respect your inner child and his/her boundaries. If he/she wishes to hug you or shake your hand, let that happen. If not, it’s okay. Your inner child may just need to warm up to you. You might next wish to ask, “What do you need the most?” If you are communicating with your infant self during this visualization, the response might come as a visceral feeling as opposed to communicating with your school-aged self who might respond verbally. If your inner child tells you what they need, provide a safe space for them. Let them feel heard, seen, understood, and loved by you. You might like to share with them how much you love and care for them, and wish them to be cared for. If your inner child wishes to be cradled, hugged, or held, embrace the opportunity. Once you feel that your mission to connect with your inner child has been completed, you can visualize yourself walking back into your house. Focus on your breathing, stretch your body, and open your eyes.

I recommend journaling about the experience. Journaling is a wonderful tool for self-reflection, deepening your self-understanding, and also serving as a way to document your progress. So take a few minutes to do it!

7. Be your own protector and nurturer

As adults, it’s important that we take responsibility for our emotional well-being. Feeling safe in this world is extremely important and essential for our inner child to thrive. Signs that you feel unsafe in this world may include:

Constant anxiety around others

Tendency to worry excessively

Inability to trust others

Inability to trust yourself and your abilities

Feeling afraid to do things by yourself

Harsh criticism of yourself

Fear of trying new things or going to new places

Assuming the worst in every situation

If you can relate to the feeling of constantly ‘being on edge’ in the world and around others, I strongly recommend focusing on feeling safe with yourself. Constant self-criticism, ignoring your needs, lacking personal boundaries, always putting others above yourself, and changing yourself to be accepted all keep you in a fearful state of not feeling safe.

While our parents or guardians may not have fulfilled most of our needs (or any of our needs), the beautiful truth is that we can. The concept is strange, even foreign to us, but we can be our own parents!

The benefits of re-parenting yourself?

Greater happiness and optimism

Improved creativity

Healthier mind, body, and soul

Stronger friendships and relationships

Development of essential life skills: acceptance, forgiveness, vulnerability, compassion, self-love

If you find it really hard to re-parent your inner child, seeking help from an inner child work familiarized therapist will be a wise investment. Therapists, after all, act as substitute parents. They can listen to and help coach your inner child, while supporting and strengthening your inner parent.

If you prefer to go solo, that is absolutely possible. However, please do seek out a support network if you can, whether online or in real life.

[mikunology]

Mikunology File #5: Hatsune Miku

So here I am again, finally. Time for some more info dumping, but this time for a single character instead of an aspect of the verse or story.

Since Miku’s birthday recently passed, and I haven’t really done much to expand on some characters, I thought I’d make a Mikunology file based solely on a character and decided to start with our wonderful blue-green-haired protagonist.

This is a VERY LONG ONE, so if you’re interested enough to read to the end let me just say that I am virtually sending you a hug. Info under the cut.

So, as mentioned, Hatsune Miku (codename CV01) is the humble protagonist of the story of Vocal Android, as well as the instigator of the entire plot from her coming into existence. First in the line of Crypton Laboratories’ Character Vocal Series and supposedly the first fully functional completely humanlike android in existence (spoiler alert: she isn’t, but that’s a story for another day), within the world she lives in she’s a pretty hecking big deal. Naturally, this ends up causing her equal parts harm and good, giving her friends, fame, and recognition all over the planet but also bringing her into the sight of some messed-up, incredibly corrupt people who are quite interested in either her destruction or her exploitation.

Personality/Portrayal

I’ve discussed how I see Miku’s personality before, but I feel now if the perfect time to go further into depth on it.

Here, Hatsune Miku is a cheerful, friendly and perpetually nice girl with a heart for music and a strong sense of justice. Miku is as sweet as she appears, and is often concerned with the wellbeing of everyone, whether it be friends, family, or fans. Miku loves nothing more than to make people happy with her singing, and considers it an act that fulfills her purpose best as a Vocaloid. She can get along with virtually anyone, and can spare a spot of sympathy for just about everyone (at least, most of the time). That said, Miku is also known for being a bit on the silly side--as nice as she is, she can be very clueless and slow on the uptake compared to everyone else. She always tries her best to understand, though.

Even with her friendliness however, Miku is sometimes rather stressed by the world around her. Having to juggle a career as a pop idol, a big sister to her fellow Vocaloids, a life as a high school student, and a responsibility as a superheroine, she tends to be overwhelmed by circumstances when things get rough (enough that you could call her neurotic sometimes). This stress can occasionally make her afraid to make mistakes, and thus cause her to run away or avoid problems to support her own mentality. She also can have a rather explosive temper because of her constantly bottling her feelings up. But, she still has a large drive to do well and be efficient to serve her purpose (making others happy) and will stop at nothing to achieve what needs to be done when she puts her mind to it. She just needs a little incentive, that's all.

And lastly, Miku is known for her loyalty to her friends and her world. Even with her own anxieties, she makes her best effort to put others before herself and dreads the idea of anyone coming to harm because of her. She loves to give encouragement to her fans and fellow Vocaloids, and strives to use her own abilities to keep the world at peace. In all reality, all Miku desires is to bring an even brighter future.

Abilities

Gotta talk about this, right? Now truthfully, this list may change in the future, because this plotline is constantly developing and new ideas are always coming to me. But as of current, this are her current list of basic abilities.

Her singing voice. Obviously, Miku’s greatest ability is the power of her own voice. Being created to sing, Miku was granted the ability to do more with her voice beyond what an average human can do. This includes amplifying or quieting it, manipulating her tone of voice, throwing her voice, or pitching it up or down. After acquiring her Append, V3, V4, English, and eventually Chinese voicebanks, she can also switch between voices or languages at any time. Her ability to sing loudly has been perfect for concerts, but can also constitute as a weapon. Later on, she can power herself up with the strength of her music.

Flight. Miku is also able to fly, and can do so at decently fast speeds. I like to think that she probably started out with your standard “rocket boots”, if you will, but upon her upgrades from V3 and V4 she switched to anti-gravity. Despite being rather clumsy with it at the start, Miku is pretty swift and acrobatic when it comes to flying--it probably helps that her twintails can provide wind resistance.

Durability. Miku is incredibly durable, much more so than your normal person. Since she is a robot, and isn’t made out of bones or flesh, she is more than capable of taking a hit and usually requires quite a lot to so much as truly render her out of commission. She is NOT bulletproof or completely invulnerable, however, but as long as she’s capable of moving around it’s quite hard to do her in. Also, if she DOES get considerably injured, it’s perfectly possible to fix her up again. (Note: Just to say, though, while Vocal Android can get cartoony at times, these characters do NOT follow “easily detachable robot parts”.)

Learning capability and musical knowledge. Her brain is computerized, so it doesn’t take long at all for Miku to learn something; this especially applies to her knowledge in music and dance. If someone shows her how to do something, it usually takes very minimal tries for her to get it down. This often comes in handy for learning songs, playing instruments, or dance routines, and has also helped her in copying abilities. However, while she is a fast learner, whether she actually UNDERSTANDS the material she’s learning is a different story.

Download. Miku is also capable of downloading her consciousness or data within her into a computer. While downloaded, she can also take form as a program or virtual entity on the computer and can act within cyberspace as she pleases. Additionally, as a precaution, she actually regularly backs her memories and personality into a separate computer in case her physical self were to come to harm. 

Module usage. Thanks to a strange incident, Miku is also one of the few capable of using Modules, special “power-ups” of sorts that can change her appearance and give her special powers. Module powers vary greatly and can often be wild cards, and each one has a specific time limit based on how powerful they are, but they always help her in a cinch.  

Equipment

Of course, Miku also has various equipment to help her on her various escapades. Once again, this list is open to change.

Her arm sleeves. Miku’s most common equipment. Not only are they a vital part of her trademark outfit, but Miku’s sleeves are embedded with computers that organize her data and allow her to access songs, information, video-call, and switch voices. Her system menu can also be accessed via her sleeves and she can be shut down or switched on with them.

Headphones. Then there’s Miku’s headphones. While of course they can function as regular headphones and often do, they also function as a another “off/on” button, and also can allow Miku to call or receive calls from her teammates or from the facility.

Leek and Leek Gun. Unsurprisingly, Miku always has a leek on her, either for snacking or for a good comical smacking (although she can do some real smacking, too). Also, courtesy of Gumi, she was given the Leek Gun, a dual-fire mini-launcher that looks like a leek. She doesn’t always use it but to say she’s fond of it is an understatement.

Megaphone. Insert “Love is War” reference here. Miku also commonly uses megaphones, as a way to amplify herself further and sometimes as way to direct her voice more properly. Before anyone asks, however, she has used a gun similar to Megaphone Gun from Ultra Despair Girls once.

Microphone. And of course, a singer like Miku always needs a microphone. Aesthetically, she prefers the ones that come with stands, never mind that they tend to make good staves. 

Bonus Headcanons

Random extra stuff since I don’t know what else to put here!

Miku likes to cook, but tends not to be very good at it due to her innate ability to be easily distracted.

While she can play a multitude of instruments, she has a particular affinity for the guitar, synthesizer, and bass.

She loves video games, particularly the Sonic the Hedgehog series.

She doesn’t have a favorite song necessarily, but Miku Miku ni Shite Ageru has a place in her heart for being one of her earliest hits.

She likes sports, but is an utter klutz when she tries to play them. She's good at cheerleading, though!

Contrary to what some may think, she actually is pretty comfortable with her robotic existence. To say she doesn’t ever wonder what it would be like to be human would be a lie, but she doesn’t at all mind what she is. As long as she’s treated with respect, she’s cool.

She’s secretly the biggest freaking nerd ever

Inspiration Songs

Songs I used as a basis for my portrayal of Miku are: “39 Music!”, “Anger”, “Innocence”, “Miku”, “Mikunologie”, “SING&SMILE”, “Unfragment”, “Yellow”, “Miku Miku ni Shite Ageru”, “News 39″, “Koisuru Vocaloid”, “My Time”, and “The Bounce from Zero to Infinity”. For those curious, of course.

[thedailykrompeer-blog]

What a break will do to you

Winter break. Or just break, considering many of us live in the southern hemisphere of this planet. Living at a college abroad can be stressful, and an official, month-long break can be a blessing after a term full of new experiences

and demanding coursework. It can also, however, coincide with the scary moment in which you realize you have to leave behind – even if for only a very short amount of time – people and places you learned to love, and have to go back to a world that you may not recognize or feel comfortable in anymore.

Going home after term 1 was traumatic, for me. Mostar had given me kinds of friendships that I had never imagined could exist and I was afraid to leave that all behind. I thought that leaving would mean certain change and really didn’t miss Italy; I did and still do feel bad when I admit this to myself, but I didn’t even miss my family. As the month passed though, I realized I was afraid to return for the same reason: I had spent a wonderful Christmas and New Year with my parents and sister (and who could forget Kenzie, my cute little Lhasa Apso dog!) and I didn’t want anything to be different, ever. I wanted to be cared for by my mom, to drive around and sing to U2 songs with my dad, I wanted to watch funny YouTube videos with my sis and cuddle Kenzie all day long.

That’s when I realized there was no going back. Ready or not, I had been launched, by choice, into the adult world, where I have to control my own eating, sleeping and exercising habits, do my own laundry, be responsible about dates, assignments and meetings, etc. And things back home were going to change, no doubt about it. The world would not stop as I lived in another bubble. Life would go on, as it should. We tend to think that when things change, it is an entirely external phenomenon; but our own, individual lives move on as well, just as everything else does. We become different people, and sometimes the outside world stays the same; yet we still feel as if it is the world that is changing, and not us.

This break for me has been an opportunity to spend time with my family according to our tradition. I don’t know how much time it will take for traditions to change; I know it will, and knowing that helped me savor every little moment without fearing times to come.

This will be a collection of short reflections by the Newspaper CAS’s core members on their respective breaks. Maybe you will find yourself in one of them.

- Melanie De Vincentiis, Editor in Chief at The Daily Krompeer

Before going back to Denmark I had a strange feeling. A feeling that was surprisingly painful. I realized that I had not been active when it came to my friends and family. I had lived my life in Mostar and put all my focus on it. All those thoughts came to me while sitting on the plane where I became quite nostalgic. That’s what being at 10000m above sea level does to me. I started thinking about the past year and particularly about the 4 months I had spent in Mostar, and that led my thoughts into a nervousness about my future weeks. Would things have changed with my friends? Maybe even with my close family? Would it change for the better or for the worse? I came out of the plane and had my family waiting with smiles and hugs. All good. We came home and we had family time. All good. We talked until we went to bed. All good. My family had not changed their view of me, and I had not changed mine. It was perfect.  When I thought about the Christmas party my friends had invited me to, I got more nervous. The image of me sitting alone at the dinner, with 25 people that I had slipped away from came as a nightmare in my daydreaming.

I was welcomed by 25 faces smiling from ear to ear. I went through my experiences with my friends and realized that they just did not understand. They tried, but no. Slowly, throughout the night, I managed to talk to all of them and I realized that fortunately they were the same as I had left them. They were as good as before and so was I. What I learned from going back home is that you shouldn’t worry, because you will stick together with the people that truly matter.

- Peter Anton Borring Balle, ‘18

This winter break was one of the worst winter breaks of my entire life.

A few days before the end of the first term I broke my leg in the stupidest way ever. I was reckless and dumb; I guess that some people are just born clumsy and dull-witted. The injury was so bad that I had to undergo surgery to get it fixed and I left Mostar with a huge cast and a 15cm-long scar on my leg. Those 5 days spent at the hospital felt like a century, as if the hour-hand was going backwards. On top of that, the hospital food was way worse than the canteen food; in fact, I missed the canteen food.

When I was finally able to go back to Croatia, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. After arriving home I was treated like a king. Every morning my mom would knock on my door and bring me breakfast in bed with a cup of coffee. I spent most of my days binge-watching TV series  because I had to catch up with everything that I had missed. However, after a few days it felt so tedious and boring. I was stuck in my bed, unable to go anywhere because of my leg and most of my friends were either busy or were out of the country. My dog, Dita, was always there for me. When playing with her I didn’t thinking about anything, my brain was empty. She hates my crutches, though; every time I would try to go somewhere she would start barking because she probably thought that I would hit her with my crutches. Such a silly girl.

Because I was unable to go anywhere or do anything, and because most of my close friends were not in the city, I talked to my parents quite a bit. Also, I am quite sure that no one’s 18th birthday party was as lame as mine was! Because of the broken leg, I had to stay at home and I had to talk to old fashioned, not liberal guests and I had to put on a mask just to not have to explain myself to them. Why would I stress myself out and get pores because of some ignorant fools? Talking to them was quite interesting; however, I found out even more interesting and shocking things about my dad. One day he told me that he has nothing against homosexuals, how he likes our gay cousin and how gay people are completely normal to him; he did, however, mention that he believes that trans people are nothing like cisgender people and that no matter how hard they try, they will never be. I have tried to explain my views to him but he just wouldn’t listen. The very next day I found out that he supports the whole idea of the Holocaust and that he thinks that it was a good thing: I was speechless. I immediately quit the conversation and left the room. A million things were going through my head. What kind of person am I living with? Why is he so ignorant and stupid? Why could anyone with a normal, functioning brain believe that the Holocaust was a good thing?

After that day, I spent most of my time in my room and with my dog. I got quite mad at my stubborn father because no matter how hard I tried, he just would not listen to me. I started questioning the people in my life at home and even myself.

 - Mihael Dasovic, ‘18

After an exhausting term marked by endless nights filled with so much work and many assignments, I could not wait to go back home. I want to be honest with you - I did not do much this winter break. But everything that happened was exactly what I needed: relaxing nights in my cozy, warm room, drinking tea with my friends, going out on the snow and fooling around like a little child. It seems to me that I just forgot how beautiful and how important those small things are, and how happy they actually make me.

Out of all those stunning experiences, I choose the New Year’s Eve to talk about, because it’s a night that I will truly remember. I welcomed 2017 with my best friend as we were freezing outside at a Christmas market in my city. The Christmas market was poorly organized: a big Christmas tree with almost no decorations, a few stands with mulled wine and tea, and a rock band playing. Yet, I would not change it for anything else in the world.

I assumed that it would be a bad night because it was not as luxurious as some other events, but I was wrong. Initially, I did not want to go because it was extremely cold outside, and I thought it would be boring. I saw all these people travelling and going to fancy parties, and I guess I was just not satisfied with the plan I had made with my friend. Maybe it was childish and immature to make such assumptions, but I unconsciously did. And I feel bad about it now, because this extraordinary New Year’s Eve proved me wrong. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful nights of my life and a perfect way to end last year.

It was the first time after a long period that we had a program for the NYE in my city and everyone was very excited. There were a lot of people and the atmosphere was truly great. We did not care about the poor decorations or about the cold anymore. With the amazing music, fireworks and the excitement of everyone present, this New Year’s Eve turned out to be more than special. After counting down loudly with my fellow citizens, looking at the joy on people’s faces, kids clapping and excitingly screaming once fireworks began, hugging my best friend and celebrating with her, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I realized that I do not need a fancy party, nor an expensive trip and that I would probably not enjoy it as much as I enjoyed this small, but memorable event. It made me realize that this is what counts. These surreal moments that I will remember forever and that will always remind me of home are what actually matter in life.

- Amina Basic, Co-Director at the Daily Krompeer

[veryangryhedgehog]

“Scattered Pieces,” an Ede Valley story by Hedgehog.

March

When Cindy awoke, it was to the beep of hospital monitors. She bolted up suddenly, nearly dislodging the IV from her arm, and glanced around the unfamiliar room rapidly. Where was she? What had happened? The walls were white. Was she dead? Then her eyes fell upon Marcell, half-dozing in an uncomfortable chair next to the bed she was laying in, and she relaxed. If she was dead, then there was no way Marcell would be here.

He blinked at the noise, and smiled, relieved. “You’re awake,” he breathed. “I was getting worried.”

“What… happened?” she asked. “St. Adelaide’s, the Truth? Is everyone alright?”

“They’re all fine,” he grabbed her hand. “As for Adelaide’s, well, I might as well show you.” Sighing, Marcell grabbed a remote from the bedside table and flicked it towards the TV.

Cindy gasped at the image. Behind the scrolling text of the news program was live footage of St. Adelaide’s hill, or at least, what used to be the hill. All that was left there now was a gigantic crater.

“Oh my god,” she muttered.

“When we woke up, we could see the sky. Thank god it was dark by that point.” Marcell stared nearly wistfully at the TV. “When you were still out cold, we got you to the hospital. That was three days ago.”

“Three days?” Cindy’s eyes widened. “And… the Truth?”

Marcell made a face. Not the greatest of signs. “It’d be best if Aurum explained. But right now you need to rest.”

“I have been sleeping for three days, you know.”

“And now you’re going to sleep a little more,” he intoned before kissing her on the forehead. “Oh,” he added. “Before I leave and let you sleep…” he suddenly looked very guilty. “About what happened down there, when I… lost control…”

“When you almost killed me, you mean?” Cindy confirmed.

He nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I never should have—the two of us, it’s… too dangerous.”

But Cindy just rolled her eyes. “I forgive you. And no, it’s not. If the only time I’m in danger is when you’re being forced into an existential crisis by an unfathomable cosmic entity, then I think I’m alright.”

Marcell just shook his head. “I’m never going to be able to dissuade you, am I?”

“Nope.”

“Then in response to your words down there,” he managed a small smile. “I love you too.”

Cindy’s smile then was the sun itself. She grabbed his hands, and he pulled her in for a soft kiss, and in that moment, Cindy knew that everything was going to be okay.

~~ o ~~

The three of them were always there now, just on the edge of Doug’s vision. They sat in the chair in the hospital room, they looked out the window to the parking lot below, they never got too close, and they never spoke. But they were here now, in the real world for good, brought out of the depths of his head in a plume of mercury off-gas. A barrier had been crossed, and there was no going back now.

Doug took this development as he had taken most of the others in his past; he shrugged, and simply thought: “Great. I guess this is my life now.”

It had been three days since that Niko kid had brought him here, and at least there had been a little improvement since then. His vision was mostly back to normal—sans the constant visual hallucinations—and his thoughts weren’t running through his mind like the extra thick kind of Aunt Marma’s Genuine Maple Syrup anymore.

The shaking and the spasms, however, had only gotten nominally better. “That will improve with time,” the doctor told him. “But it’s unlikely that they will ever fade entirely. Mercury poisoning is not something that can be easily reversed. Some of the damage to your motor functions and other parts of your brain might be permanent.”

The doctor seemed nearly perturbed at how well Doug was taking all of this, but he couldn’t very well tell him that this was just the culmination of over two years of near-constant abuse. Then he’d be recommended a counselor and that would be a pain and Doug would much rather deal with it in his own special way: bottling all of it up and figuring it out himself. Sure, it probably wasn’t the most effective, but it was certainly the easiest.

But he wasn’t thinking about all that now, not really. Because for the last three days, only one thought had been dancing through his mind, cavorting around his dreams: how he was going to kill Abigail Hodge.

The first step of this complicated, multistage plan was to get out of this hospital. Then he was going to track her down and murder her dead. There were of course a lot of auxiliary steps in between this, not all of which made sense to anyone except Doug. But that was all that really mattered. He was going to kill her.

For now, however, all he could do was bide his time. He still could only walk about to the bathroom and back before his legs began to give out from under him. But he was getting better, slowly regaining his strength back. Any day now, he would begin his quest for vengeance.

Except of course, that nothing could ever go according to plan for Doug. Because the next morning, something wholly unexpected happened. A nurse just strolled into his room, grinned at him as if nothing was wrong, and said: “Doug, your sister is here to see you.”

Doug’s blood turned immediately to ice. It was Abigail. It had to be. She was the only person who knew about that. But wrong again, for an instant later, the woman who strolled through the door set him into an even more confused panic.

At first he thought he must be hallucinating the whole thing, because she should be dead. The last time he’d seen her she’d been through the windshield of Morgan’s car. But it wasn’t in his head, because Cocaine was in the corner, snorting something off the rim of the sink.

This couldn’t be real. Elizabeth was dead.

He couldn’t say anything, his throat glued closed.

The nurse merely smiled at him, then turned to not-Elizabeth. “I’ll leave you too alone, Ms. Bailey.”

“Oh please,” she grinned. “Call me Jilli.”

Ah, he understood now. This was all some kind of trick. Some bizarre mercury-fueled dream. Clover’s relation, Elizabeth’s face, Jilli’s name. If he squeezed his eyes shut he’d wake up in a second.

It didn’t work.

“If you’re thinking this is a dream,” the woman smirked, “you’re wrong.”

“Who the hell are you?” Doug asked.

“Me?” she grinned. “My name is Kei. I’m a warrior princess from the moon. And I’m here to make a deal with you…”

~~ o ~~

April

Both Cindy and Tommy had been in and out of the East Branch a lot over the last few weeks. After a short recovery, the whole group met once more and Aurum explained the situation.

“Unfortunately,” she sighed. “It seems out mission is not yet complete.”

“What do you mean?” Niko asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Looking upwards, Aurum attempted to explain. “When you stabbed the Truth, you didn’t destroy it, merely fragmented it. Which is good, it’s far less harmful that way.”

“But we still have to track down the pieces,” Marcell sighed.

“This doesn’t seem all that uncommon,” she added apologetically. “Abigail claimed to have it in her mind, after all, and… other times.” It was subtle, but Tommy didn’t miss her glancing over to Servus. Strange.

So Cindy was in and out helping Marcell and Aurum do research. She proved nearly invaluable with both her technological and magical advantages.

Tommy, however, was there for a different reason. Even after everything that had happened, Mathilda still refused to budge, and he had come to the conclusion that she was broken. But then he remembered something: Aurum had said that it was probably Atlantean in construction, and now… well now there were two Atlanteans living temporarily in the library. So he asked them for their help.

“I was raised in seclusion far outside of the city,” Gil confessed. “But Muirne may be able to help.”

“Aye,” she nodded. “I’m no expert, but my mother was a makinist. You said this was a wagon?”

“That travels between dimensions,” Tommy nodded.

“I’ve heard of a few prototypes. I’ll take a look.”

Just as they were about to leave, Tommy felt a tap on his arm. He looked down to see Servus staring at him with his usual deadpan expression. That had been the other reason Tommy had been coming to the library.

Ever since that first raid on St. Adelaide’s, it appeared that Servus was beginning to develop a personality. It was very subtle, he had trouble emoting and especially speaking, and seemed to be terribly confounded and confused by all of this. And so from one lost kid to another, Tommy just kind of… took him under his wing.

“Come?” Servus asked, one of his eyebrows twitching up an inch. Even though he was slowly becoming more human, Tommy had a feeling he would always be able to win first place in any resting bitch face competition he ever decided to enter.

“Sure,” Tommy shrugged. “Why not.”

After waving goodbye to Aurum, the four of them made the trek out to Mathilda, still in the abandoned lot across from the elementary school. Tommy frowned as he saw that weeds had begun to grow around her wheels, and he grumbled as he pulled them out.

Muirne and Gil waited patiently for him to finish, while Servus bent down to help hm. “Thanks,” Tommy nodded, patting him on the head. Muirne looked over at the automaton, a slightly pained expression on her face.

“Alright,” Tommy straightened. “Welcome to my humble abode.” He gestured ironically, and opened the door to the inside.

He’d forgotten how musty it smelled inside. No one else had been in here in a long while… except maybe Cowell once or twice. He crawled over the pile of blankets to pull the small window on the side open, then stuffed the big comforter into the back.

Muirne and Gil stepped inside, both politely avoiding crinkling their noses. “Mind if I poke around?” Muirne asked, and Tommy waved the affirmative.

“Yes, this is definitely Atlantean,” Muirne muttered, running her hand along the carvings on a wooden beam. “Which means that somewhere along here…” she pressed the center of a decorative sun, and a small panel emerged from the wall.

Tommy’s eyes widened. “Wha—?”

“You never knew this was here?” Muirne chuckled.

“Not a clue,” Tommy shook his head. He wondered if Remus had known about this.

Muirne turned a few dials and examined the window, which snapped closed on it’s own to reveal a pale sort of overlay.

“You know you’ve had this on ‘automatic,’ right?” she asked after a minute

“Automatic?”

“Aye. You’ve just been letting the old girl go wherever she wants.”

Tommy felt a little weak in the knees. “You’re telling me… that all this time… there was a manual setting? I could’ve left at any time?”

“That is what she’s saying, yes,” Gil raised an eyebrow.

A grin began to spread over Tommy’s face. This meant… why, he could go wherever he wanted now. Any place in the whole cosmos, any adventure he wanted. He could leave Ede Valley, get out of this place that put so many bad memories on his shoulders. Free as a bird, nothing to tie him down.

“Well shit,” he said. “Maybe I’ll…”

But he broke off as he happened to glance over at Servus. It seemed to be dawning on the kid what it meant if Mathilda was fixed, if Tommy could leave. His first thought was to see if Servus wanted to go with him, incredibly fitting, after all. But he realized then that it wasn’t just Servus keeping him here.

It was Cindy, who he’d just met again after all of these years. It was Mike, who he’d never known and right now needed help from people who could understand. And besides, how the hell could he quit his job at the Smiling Goat? Literally how. Cowell would somehow twist his words around in his mouth so badly that he’d be working more hours instead.

And he realized then that the thought of flying away was a distant pipe dream. As much as he hated to admit it, he had roots here.

As he was mulling this over, Gil and Muirne had been discussing something in the corner. As Tommy stirred from his internal monologue, Muirne jumped on him. “Please,” she said, “before you go, allow me to study her. If Gil and I had a machine like this…”

Tommy smiled. He knew what Remus would want him to do. “Take her for a while,” he said.

Gil and Muirne blinked. “Truly?” Gil asked, recovering first. “You are not ‘pulling our legs’?”

“Not forever, keep in mind,” Tommy shrugged. “I expect you to take good care of her, and I expect her back in one piece. And don’t make a mess. I know exactly what’s going to go down in here.” And what had, many times over the last couple years, with many different people, he added to himself.

Blushing furiously, Gil spluttered. “I don’t know what you could possibly be referring to.”

Tommy clapped him on the back, and winked. “Yeah, you do. Anyway, give me one more night in her and I’ll clean out my junk in the morning.”

“Thank you,” Muirne blinked. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Just keep her safe,” Tommy requested. “She’s got a lot of good memories in her. Come on, Servus,” he added to the automaton, who seemed to have perked up considerably over the course of the conversation. “Let’s get you back to Aurum.”

“Alright,” Servus lifted one side of his mouth an inch.

“Hey, you almost did it!” Tommy beamed. “You know what, let’s get some ice cream on the way back. Wait, can you eat ice cream?”

Servus blinked. “Don’t know.”

“Welp, I guess we’ll find out, then,” Tommy hopped down Mathilda’s creaky step after Servus and they walked down the road as the sun began its slow descent into the horizon.

~~ o ~~

May

Cindy had never expected so many people to show up to her high school graduation. Not that it was really a big deal for her, it was just a celebration of her assent from hell itself, but she was flattered nonetheless. Lucius was, of course, sitting with the teachers, but she kept noticing him glancing over in her direction with a slightly goofy grin. Tommy, Niko, Servus, and Cowell were on one side of the bleachers, and Tommy waved as she walked in. Servus held his camcorder, no doubt so Aurum could see as well. Her mother was on the other side of the bleachers, a handkerchief clutched in her hands, and Mike sat next to her, a finger hovering near his ear as if he was casually trying to block out some of the noise. He was trying for a grin, but Cindy could tell that he was very overwhelmed.

She was surprised at the sheer volume of noise that accompanied her rise to the stage. In fact, it nearly knocked her off her feet. She’d been expecting polite applause and not much more. Then again, she supposed the friends she did have were not the quietest bunch.

Though she couldn’t help noticing Mike leaving the bleachers shortly after she sat back down.

As soon as the ceremony was done, families and friends lingered in the gymnasium, but Cindy snuck out as fast as she could. She found Mike just inside the front doors of the school, his eyes closed.

“You alright?” she tapped him on the shoulder, to which he jumped slightly.

“Yeah,” he said, “Just the people and… a little overwhelming.”

Cindy frowned. “Sorry.”

“’S not your fault,” he shrugged. “It’s not anyone’s really.”

“Abigail’s,” Cindy supplied.

“I’m not ever really sure about that,” he gazed off into the distance. “She’s just a slave to human instinct, curiosity. Just like all the rest of you.”

It still felt strange whenever he didn’t include himself in ‘people’. He’d been acting more and more like Mike over the months, as he got some of his memories, some of himself back, but it was times like this when she knew that Mike would never truly return.

Their mother found them a second later. “Oh, Cindy,” she said, wrapping her arms around her enrobed daughter. “I am so proud of you.” She pulled away, and began to tear up a little.

“Moooom,” Cindy rolled her eyes, but she smiled. “Thanks.”

Tommy and the crew emerged from the gym a minute later. “Oh, there’s some friends,” Cindy said. “I’d better go say hi, I’ll be right back.”

She ducked through the crowd, and came up behind them, tapping Tommy on the shoulder. He grinned, and they hugged. “Congrats on being the only one of us to actually finish high school,” he beamed.

“Hey, I got pretty close,” Niko pouted.

“Yeah, only missed by a whole entire year,” Cowell shook his head in mock disappointment.

“It’s better than Tommy,” he insisted. “He didn’t make it past the third grade.”

Tommy frowned. “I still got a good education,” he said. “Just not a very… conventional one.”

“Oh yeah, what’s pi then?”

“Uh, something you eat? Duh?”

“I rest my case,” Niko folded his arms before looking over to Cindy. “But congratulations.”

“Thanks,” she nodded, “and the only reason I’m even here right now is because while all of you were off having adventures I was stuck back here in good old Ede Valley.”

“I don’t know,” Tommy said, glancing over to their mother and Mike. “I wouldn’t knock what you’re got.”

“Tommy,” she put a hand on his shoulder. “You know you could always go talk to her.”

“Yeah…” he paused for a moment. “You know what? Yeah, I think it’s time.”

“Good luck,” Cowell smiled pleasantly. “Try not to give her a heart attack.”

Glancing over to him, Tommy looked a little worried. “Please don’t tell me that’s one of your predictions.”

He laughed. “Not this time. Merely being facetious. Or am I?”

“Yes, you are,” Cindy said. Even though Cowell was still largely a mystery to her, she’d found that over the last few months her ability to read people had grown even stronger. “Come on, Tommy. We’ll see you guys later.”

The three of them waved as Cindy and Tommy made their way back over to Mike and their mother.

Carol Miller for a second only looked at the newcomer with mild interest. “Oh, Cindy, is this a friend of y…” but she broke off as she looked up at his face.

It felt like an eternity before Tommy could say anything, an eternity of their mother staring up at him, vague recognition and confusion dawning on her face before he was able to open his mouth. “Hi mom,” was all he could manage, in the end.

“T… To—” she sputtered, as if almost afraid to say it. “Tommy?”

He smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. I’m back.”

Tears began to well in her eyes as she tackled him in a bearhug. “You’re alive,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Tommy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

“It’s alright,” he said. “I forgave you a long time ago.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

And finally, after so long apart, after runaways and psych wards and boarding schools, the Millers were at last all together again.

~~ o ~~

The four of them went out for dinner after that, Tommy filling their mother in on some of the details of where he’d been, and all of them enjoyed being together again. But once the food was cleared away and their mother had paid the bill—after refusing Tommy’s offer to do so instead—Cindy looked at her phone and saw the time.

“Oh, is it that late already?”

“Do you have plans tonight?” her mother asked.

And it was at that moment that Cindy realized something. She wasn’t a high schooler anymore. She no longer had to lie. “Yeah I uh….” She couldn’t help grinning a little. “I… have a date.”

Their mother gasped. “Really?” she asked. “Do I know him?”

“No,” Cindy said. “And I can’t introduce you quite yet,” far too soon still, there’d be a few more weeks of minor sneaking around yet. “But I hope to soon. Anyway,” she stood. “I’d better get going. I love you all, I’ll see you at home. I think I’ll be home tonight.”

Her mother looked worried, but she nodded. “Text me if you won’t be, alright?”

“Will do,” Cindy smiled.

This whole time, Mike had been glancing out of the window towards the slowly sinking sun. A small figure was standing besides a nearby chain-link fence, waiting for him.

“I… think I’m going to… go too,” he said absently.

“Mike, it’s getting late…” their mother frowned.

“I’ll only be a few minutes,” he explained. “And it’s not that far home, I’ll walk.”

“Okay…” Carol began to look a little sad as Mike got up and left too.

But Tommy was still there. “I’ll come home with you, mom,” he grinned, and stood, holding out his arm for her. She took it , and they left the restaurant together. “There’s still a lot of things we need to talk about…”

~~ o ~~

Mike waited for Tommy and their mother to leave the restaurant and be well out of sight before approaching the fence. The small girl with pigtails was there, waiting for him. They had never met, but he knew who she was.

“Alpha,” he said, to be polite, even though she no doubt already knew he was there.

“Beta,” she replied, without turning to him.

They stood there for a moment, staring off into the distance. “I’m sorry for what she did to Mike,” she said finally. “It’s been so long for me that I barely remember what it’s like to be human. But you…”

“I’ll live,” he shrugged. For the first time in the last three months, he could stop pretending to be human. It felt… good. He let his face drop into a neutral expression. Expressions were the hardest thing to fake.

“I’m going to leave now,” Buttercup finally turned to him. “I’ve atoned for what I’ve caused.”

“Of course,” Mike nodded. After all, if there was nothing holding you here, why stay? “Where will you go?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I believe that I’ll just start walking. But Beta,” she gazed up at him with her old eyes. “Don’t follow me. I have a wish for you.”

He tilted his head.

“I have a wish that someday, you can figure out who you actually are. I didn’t live long enough as a human to do such. But you… you have a chance.”

Mike… Nihil… Beta, whoever he was, he nodded. “I’ll try.”

“Thank you,” she said before she started walking. “I’m sure we’ll meet again some day.”

He blinked once. “I’m sure we will.”

~~ o ~~

Cindy sat on the balcony overlooking the back of Marcell’s house, her head on his shoulder. Her feet dangled through the posts of the railing, falling into nothing below the cliff’s edge. For the first time in a long time, it seemed at this moment that everything was alright.

Neither of them said anything, they didn’t need to. Cindy’s Mother had already been messaged and the night was young. For once, they were in no hurry to do anything.

“It’s almost over,” Cindy said.

“What is?” she felt the rumble of his voice in her bones.

“The secrecy. The sneaking around. We won’t need to hide anymore after this summer.”

“People will talk regardless of how long we wait,” he warned.

She shook her head as much as she was able. “But now there’s nothing they can do about it.”

Marcell chuckled. “Fair enough.”

As they sat there, listening to each other breathe, Cindy pondered something as she looked down at the only town she’d ever known. “I want to go somewhere this summer,” she said. “With you.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I really just want to get in a car and drive.”

She could hear the slight smile in his voice. “Why not? It could be fun.”

They watched the moon slowly rising over Ede Valley, over the crater that used to be St. Adelaide’s. Cindy was excited, and nervous, and many other bundled-up emotions besides that she didn’t have names for. But she knew that whatever happened, it would certainly be an adventure.

[chiefgladiatormagazine-blog]

Why Do We Abruptly Wake Or Feel ill At Certain Time Of The Day ?

Why Do We Abruptly Wake Or Feel ill At Certain Time Of The Day ?

The 24 hour clock is divided into 12 two-hour intervals of the Qi (vital force) moving through the organ system. During sleep, Qi is drawn inward to restore the body. This phase is completed between 1 and 3 A.M., when the liver cleanses the blood and performs a myriad of functions that prepare the body for the Qi to move outward again.

The 12 hours after the prime functioning of the liver (which would be from 3 A.M. to 3 P.M.) include the energy cycles of the organs associated with daily activity: digestion and elimination. These organs include the lungs, large intestine, stomach, spleen/pancreas, heart and small intestine.

After 3 P.M., the flow of energy again moves inward to support internal organs associated with repairing the system. The purpose of this is to circulate fluids and heat, as well as to filter and cleanse. This time affects the pericardium, triple burner (coordinates water functions and temperature), bladder, kidneys, circulation/sex and the liver.

When one organ is at its peak energy, the organ at the opposite side of the clock, 12 hours away, is at its lowest ebb. For example, between 1-3 A.M., the liver reaches its peak, doing its work to cleanse the blood. At the same time, the small intestine (the organ responsible for the absorption and assimilation of many key nutrients) is at its lowest function.

What does this mean in real life application? For starters, it logically explains why you are taxing the system when it has to deal with late night meals and snacking. The body is not programmed to accommodate the modern habit of late-night eating habits and stimulation. When we eat late at night, food is not well absorbed by the small intestine (since it is resting) and the liver has little opportunity to do its job of housekeeping.

Why do we abruptly wake or feel ill at certain times of day?

The other morning I woke up at 5:26 A.M. from a nightmare about my teeth crumbling out of my mouth! Yes, I know that’s incredibly strange – a fun fact about me is that I have insane dreams that feel real, ALL the time. Once I had a dream that I was a horse. Literally. I was walking down the avenue by my house, just trotting on by, totally fine with the fact that I had four legs. Another time I had a dream that a teacher microwaved my tongue. I’ve never been normal, per say, so I suppose it comes with the territory?!

Anyway — the night I had the teeth dream I was a) dehydrated (drinking water is SO important) and b) constipated. TMI, but it happens to the best of us. I’m pretty sure (b) was caused by (a) because warm water with ginger and lemon upon waking did the trick. Regardless, both dehydration and constipation deal with the large intestine, which correctly lines up with the hours of 5-7 A.M. How fabulous is the human body? It is always leaving us clues in the forms of symptoms. Our symptoms are our friends; they are the language in which our body speaks. That’s why I love Chinese medicine… there are always charts and guides that allow you to translate these clues into the underlying issue.

As we discussed above, each “meridian” or organ system has a two hour period where they are the primary meridian. The meridians, however, are not just related to organs. They are linked to thoughts and emotions, color, sound, seasons and other spiritual aspects as well. When the energy of a meridian is not flowing well due to a block (like stress or toxicity), you’ll find that you’ll experience a sign or symptom from the meridian involved (just like my nightmare/abrupt waking).

If you also find you are waking up at the same time each night, or falling into a slump around 3 P.M., you can look at the meridian at work and what may be happening with you.

Here is a detailed list of the function of each meridian/organ system as well as the emotions that go with it. This is very important. Sometimes if we wake up at 3 A.M., it’s simply because we have a purely physical issue, i.e. the liver is not processing waste correctly or is hindered by gallstones. However, sometimes, the physical symptoms are manifesting because of an underlying emotion. The liver is heavily associated with anger, frustration, and rage; so if you’re waking up at 3 it might be because you’re holding onto toxic emotions that you must work through.

List of meridian functions from mcuniverse.com:

3am – 5am : Lung Time Early stirring gentle breathing Grief Sadness The toxic waste from your lungs becomes loosened between 3 to 5 am, and when you awaken, this is why you cough sometimes. Your lungs are trying to expel the loosened waste. If you are coughing in the morning, this indicates that your diet and lifestyle needs tweaking in order to reduce mucus and toxicity. Feeling ill at this time can also be an indication of deep grief that must be dealt with.

5am – 7am : Large Intestine Time Rising and defecating Guilt Stuck Defensiveness To get the day off to a good start, give yourself enough time early in the morning to honor the normal elimination function of the large intestine. The morning is the most important time to drink plenty of water and the worst time to have caffeine. Caffeine is a diuretic and takes water away from your colon to the kidneys and bladder for evacuation, but your body need water in the morning to keep up its repair and maintenance of the large intestine and colon. If you are feeling bad at this time, drink lots of water. Drinking plenty of water at this time keeps you from getting constipated, gaining weight, looking and feeling older and improves your overall health. From an emotional perspective, you may need to let go of guilt.

7am – 9am : Stomach Time Healthy eating Disgust Despair Now the flow of energy moves to the stomach stimulating hunger. You are encouraged to eat a hearty, healthy breakfast and thereby producing good amounts of long-lasting energy. Eating larger meals of the day early delivers nourishment to the small intestine when it is strongest, which aids absorption and assimilation. Issues during this time may mean that your stomach is too cold (especially since we as a Western society love salads, ice water, and smoothies!) Be sure to drink ginger tea to nourish the stomach.

9am – 11am : Pancreas/Spleen Time Thinking and working Jealousy/Worry Low Self-esteem TCM considers the Spleen the most important digestive organ, so even a late breakfast will be digested easily. On the other hand, this is also the time when allergies can show up the strongest because the Spleen is busy working with the Liver and your immune system. A healthy spleen produces antibodies when there is an infection and constantly watches the blood for invaders. Illness during this time can mean your spleen is deficient, or you are worrying/having self esteem issues. The spleen is also aided by ginger tea (Lily’s solution to everything!)

11am – 1pm : Heart Time Meeting talking and eating Joy Frightfully Sad Don’t overtax your heart at this time. You may sometimes notice a rapid heartbeat, double beats and/or skipping beats during this time period. Research shows that seventy percent of heart attacks occur during this time frame. Being full of joy, enthusiastic and restful makes the heart stronger, whereas the opposite emotions of saddness and gloom weaken the heart. Doing anything heat inducing during this time is not good for optimal heart health as the heart has an aversion to heat according to the TCM.

1pm – 3pm : Small Intestine Time Sorting and organizing Insecurity Vulnerable / Gullible Feelings of Abandonment Have you noticed that between 1 to 3 pm you are more apt to have indigestion, pain and bloating? This shows a problem with your small intestine. Are you feeling insecure, self doubt, or abandoned? Do you have leaky gut? Bone broth soup can work wonders for gut issues and malabsorption.

3pm – 5pm : Bladder Time Storing and reserving associated with the Skin Irritation Timidity At this time you may notice that you are tired and want a nap. Salty foods strengthen the Bladder, so drinking a cup of savory miso soup or nutrient-rich broth would be beneficial at this time.

5pm – 7pm : Kidney Time Driving and consolidating Fear Terror The feeling of being tired and wanting a nap could continue into this time frame. On the other hand when the Kidneys are healthy and working properly, you will feel energetic at this time and not tired. The kidneys are aligned with the adrenals, the glands that produce cortisol to help us spring out of bed in the morning. Early morning, from 5-7 am, is when kidney energy is weakest—a reason that people with depleted kidney energy often have trouble waking up to a new day.

7pm – 9pm : Pericardium, Circulation Sex Time Associated with the brain, including the pituitary and hypothalamus and the reproductive organs Socializing and flirting Unresponsive Hurt/Extreme Joy Inability to Express Emotions Depleted Between 7 to 9 pm do you have intense cravings for sweets or processed carbohydrates that turn to sugar immediately in the system? The reason is because the Kidneys regulate the Pancreas, and if you do consume sweets during that period, you may notice lower back pain, which is a kidney symptom. The kidneys, bladder and pancreas are all parts of the same whole. If you need a nap early in the evening it is just your pancreas, as directed by your kidneys, putting you out so it can do its repairs.

9pm – 11pm : Triple Warmer Time Associated with the Thyroid and Adrenals Controls Metabolism Energy Transfer and Regulates Temperature Relaxing and Chilling Hopelessness Confusion, Paranoia The Triple Warmer governs Blood Vessels and Arteries. From 9 to 11 pm the blood vessels go into repair mode. If you get headaches, feel abnormally tired or weak, this means that the blood vessels are in heavy repair.

11pm – 1am : Gall Bladder Time Sleeping and regenerating Bitterness Resentment (Related to liver, see below)

1am – 3 am: Liver Time Deep resting and dreaming Anger Frustration Rage The Liver and Gallbladder spring into action between 11 pm to 3 am. Do you ever have nights when you can’t sleep at this time? This means that waste is not being processed by your liver and it acts as an irritant to your body causing insomnia and frayed nerves. Your brain just won’t stop. You may need to deal with unresolved anger and grudges towards others. Understanding that every organ has a repair/maintenance schedule to keep on a daily basis offers you the opportunity to learn how to treat yourself for improved health and well-being. It also allows you to identify exactly which organ system or emotion needs strengthening/resolving. Always use your symptoms and body cues as a guide, and if you make a connection above, such as that you get sleepy between 5-7pm, don’t hesitate to research what you can do to strengthen that meridian (which would be the Kidneys). A great solution to deficient kidneys is having a sweet potato for breakfast!

Make sure to look at the emotional aspect too. If you’re sleepy during kidney time, do you have any fears holding you back from reaching your true potential? Are you afraid of rejection? Failure? Addressing this emotion will strengthen the organ and improve your physical health forever.

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[utilizehealth]

Dying Made Me a Better Marketer: How I Turned Tragedy into Opportunity

By Austin Stuck

“The most important thing to remember is you must know your audience”- Lewis Howes

That quote, or some variation of it, was something I heard endlessly from professors and online marketing gurus ever since I started down the path of becoming a marketing and public relations specialist. It was something I always understood conceptually but only on a superficial level. I knew what healthcare was, but did not really understand how it worked when I joined my first company, Utilize Health. Two years later, I still work for this same care coordination company, which provides a solution to health plans to lower the cost of care for patients with neurological conditions. Though our client is the health plan, the end user of our product and service is the patient. It's a great solution where everyone wins - payers see reduced care costs, and patients see improved outcomes and experience a better quality of life.  I learned why care coordination was important and why digital health was trending. However, being a healthy young man with no disabilities or experience working with a patient population that had chronic health issues, I found it hard to relate to a patient with a neurological condition. That detachment would not last, though. In November of last year, I found myself becoming the end user of my marketing efforts.

The beginning of my journey starts late on a Friday following a night with friends. Like many nights before, I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Around 3 AM, I woke up and made the half-asleep journey down to my bedroom on the first floor.

What happened next is more surreal than an absolute reality to me. I walked downstairs and remembered seeing a strange man. I then recall climbing up our second flight of stairs bleeding everywhere and screaming for my roommates, falling back, and blacking out. I died shortly after.

Three of my best friends saved my life with CPR. I woke up in the ER surrounded by nurses while a detective tried to pry my phone’s passcode out of my confused mind.

I remember waking up after surgery, and thought being stabbed by a home intruder was a nightmare. I tried to think of other ways I could have ended up in the hospital, but nothing came to mind. It turned out I had been stabbed by an intruder five times including twice in my neck, one of which severed my carotid artery causing massive blood loss. I received over 14 units of blood. The average human body only holds 8-12 units at a time. The surgeon said it was the most blood loss he’d ever seen someone survive.

When I became conscious, I realized the left side of my body was paralyzed, and I had a massive headache. I immediately knew I had suffered a stroke. My right frontal lobe, my left parietal lobe and my right frontotemporal lobe, which are responsible for many things such as motor function, language, problem solving, judgement, etc., were damaged. After the initial shock of my injuries wore off, the irony of my situation settled in.

I never lost this attitude.

One of the conditions my company serves? Stroke. The more I think about it, the more weird it becomes. That healthcare startup that I joined became the best decision I ever made. My colleagues made certain I was not alone as I started the journey to recovery. I could have joined any other company, but fate stepped in..

The doctors told me my stroke was relatively small and contained. The only clear deficiencies were my left sided paralysis and mild cognitive impairment. Thankfully my personality was intact, including my amazing sense of sarcasm. A cold, harsh reality set in, and I started to realize the severity of my circumstances. I knew I had to call on my very own company, Utilize Health.

See, I told you my personality was intact! 

We specialize in getting patients to the correct rehabilitation facility as early as possible. Therefore, I knew I needed to start my recovery soon. After seven days at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, Utilize Health was able to get me admitted to The Shepherd Center, one of the most renowned therapy centers in the country.

My very first steps post-stroke.

For the first part of my stay, privacy was thrown out the window, as I was considered a “fall risk”. I would call a nurse to escort me to the bathroom and watch me “do my business” in case I tried to even think about getting up. Falling was a big “no–no” at Shepherd, and I presume in most brain injury facilities.

I had no shortage of visitors, including two of my lifesavers. 

As time went on, I was getting stronger both physically and mentally. I began to welcome the challenge that therapy brought. My quick progress fueled me, and each day I saw improvement. Things I could not do the week before came back to me like they had never been a challenge.

In the fourth week, I gained some independence back. I graduated from a wheelchair to a leg brace. I was finally cleared to walk wherever and get out of bed without supervision. I started to feel like a normal person again. I graduated the Friday of that week, and became the fourth person to walk out of Shepherd in the past five years. My period of stay was a little under a month, a relatively short stay compared to my peers in the Brain Injury unit. My next stop was Shepherd Center’s outpatient program, Shepherd Pathways.

Me on my last day of inpatient, walking unassisted.

If Shepherd inpatient was high school, then Shepherd Pathways was college. I spent another four weeks there working on higher level skills. My cognitive progress was incredible. I was testing in the average range for males my age just weeks after part of my brain literally died, and was walking unassisted.

Reintegration back into normal life was the next mountain to climb as I returned to Nashville, barely two months after the attack. Getting back to work, living on my own and in a world designed for people without impairments are challenges I faced. I returned to work on February 1st, and now, am close to the summit.

Me with my company at the NTC Awards.

For marketers in the clothing or food industries, it is quite easy to attach yourself to your audience because you’re usually the end user of what you are marketing. What is missing in healthcare is many people in marketing and sales have never become the end user of their campaigns, and that puts them at a disadvantage. Due to my experience, I am different. I know what the end user wants to see in a care coordination solution because I am them. The advantage gained started out as something only made for nightmares. I have personally experienced every step of the healthcare process Utilize Health coordinates. Instead of being reactionary and uninformed, I am someone whose opinion matters, something very rare for a person my age in the business world.

“The most important thing to remember is you must know your audience” Lewis Howes

Learn it, understand it, and in most industries, I would even recommend living it. The healthcare industry is the one exception. If you do find yourself as the end user of your own healthcare company, grow from it. Turn your own tragedy into opportunity.