#i am mentally well i promise
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When your extremely niche hyperfixatiom doesn't even have a tag on Ao3 yet;
#ao3 writer#this is specifically about#dorian slashfic#for me at least#but also applies to fifty dozen crackships#i am mentally well i promise
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Rare beast at rest
#zoey wolfscheiße#spazzcat pets#zoey dog#german shepherd#gsd#she is so very sleepy its past her bed time#also apologies if you have sent me asks or tagged me in something#life is. difficult. right now#mental health and physical health and moving hard and work hard#i am very very tired#i am fine! dont worry#but i am not communicating well or acting well or existing well#so---- im not ignoring you i promise#much like the beast i am very tired
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IM SORRY YOU'RE ON SEASON 10??? ITS BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK
DUDE ITS BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK SINCE IVE STARTED RVB AS A WHOLE, IVE BEEN CONSUMED BY THIS SHOW 🙏
#i am very mentally well about those guys dont worry 🙏#the only thing that stopped me from bingeing s11 was a old wendigoon video and drawing 🙏🙏#i watch it on youtube though and leave it in the background most of the time i promise i do other things with my life 🤫#rvb#red vs blue
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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hontestly im so glad you talk about alex like this. not a lot of people really talk about the issues with him and for a while when i was younger i basically worshipped him. thought he was awesome idk. idk if im wording this correctly but your posts helped me like. actually think about it. idk. ur cool and thank u for your posts 👍 :)
tysm! & yeah it seems like in general theres a lot of hero worship around alex & honestly it wigs me out a little i feel like it makes it actively difficult to actually discuss his work/commentary and problems with it sometimes bc people are just automatically jumping on the defensive. like i remember once i made a vague post disagreeing with something alex said at a con or something and i had someone comment and straight up be like 'well i dont know what he said but-" & start saying he meant something else like we dont have to be doing this......
#god & that post i made saying i think maybe alex should not have conflated taking anxiety medication w alcoholism& asking for ppls takes#& i swear half of them were like 'well the POINT of this line was to explain fiddlefords mental state'#like ok. yes i am aware of this. i made this post to say i think he did it badly. thsts what the post is about.#i promise i have first grade reading level comprehension skills
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very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
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people want a partner who's good at math because they don't want to have to solve their kid's math homework with them. I want a guy who's a good programmer because there is no way I'm helping my kid debug or write any form of code. esp cpp. I love you cpp but you confuse me beyond my limited understanding of humanity and I still don't understand how to use linked lists without wanting to kms
#odxny my love. plz one chance. i promise i just need one chance-#i feel like odxny and Ren/Redacted from seekL and 14 days with you respectively have given me faith in nerdy men#or maybe im delusional. thats probably it#havent met even one nerdy guy who either doesn't give off incel vibes or hates me for no apparent reason or has horrible habits#one day..... one day.....#also witcher 4 trailer??? am in love????#time to get back into witcher. never thought I'd see ciri as a witcher protag in 2024#zuri rambles#earlier i was wondering why i was feeling burnt out and like absolute poop. turns out stuff™ that happened the last 2 weeks did in fact-#-take a toll on my mental health#well. i guess those are the repercussions of love and living life#its sunny today. i miss you
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I believe Kamala- despite every word she has ever spoken on the matters- is actually deeply pro-Palestine, pro-trans & overall a progressive hero, because I understand that when democrats say repugnant reactionary things while campaigning they are actually lying! which is good & normal for so-called democratic elections!!!!! if you listen to the gnomes who live inside my walls you'll understand her real values, which she'll totally pinky promise act upon once you reward her lies & elect her! you dumb third party voters would understand this if u payed attention in civics class 💅💅💅
#do you votescold blue no matter whos even hear yourselves#like i say this from the glass house of mental illness i too live in but yall are fucking clinically deranged#'u see the good guys will lie to us to seem like bad guys until the season 4 finale when plot twist reveals thay r good!' LUNACY!!!#santa clause is more real than a promise out of the mouth of a democrat i am BEGGING liberals to understand (and give a shit about) this#sorry i guess unlike the 'injustice sensitivity' many american neurospicies love using as a shield for when they do racist things i just#have boring I Dont Like Being Lied To autism which uh is preventing me from (well a lot!) getting on the imperialism train that many#of you are twisting yourselves into pretzels of cognitive dissonance & ahistorical nonsense in order to cope with!#vote if you want idgaf but stop posting electoral cope!!! stop seeking absolution for the crimes youre cosigning!! you cant have it all!!!!#i'll see you in another 4 years when nothing has been done about climate catastrophe or genocide or lgbtq rights or reproductive rights#bc if- and its still a huge if- kamala wins i know for FACT the usual suspects are already cooking up excuses as to why she cant follow thr#through on any of the crumbs of progressive policy she claims to stand by. its already the senates or SC fault right 🙄#ugh anyway now im just going down the 'every easily identifiable lie of the dems that I'M somehow the bad guy for noticing' rabbit hole#and that leads to nowhere but madness and an afternoon wasted 😤
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has anyone else noticed that in
pretty much
every scene
they’re standing (or walking, or sitting)
with Aziraphale on Crowley’s right
except in scenes where something’s wrong
like I’m SURE it’s on purpose this show is too genius for it not to be. It unbalances us, gives us the feeling that something is off, just by putting Aziraphale on Crowley’s left when we expect him on the right
I am so normal about this show and not reading too much into it at all thanks for asking
ADDITIONALLY:
(I can’t find gifs of Beelzebub and Hastur showing up in Crowley’s car but they both always appear on his left too. Mainly bc that’s the side his passengers seat is on but still)
#good omens#I am deranged#aziraphale#crowley#so so so normal about this bible fanfiction I promise <- his ass is LYING#positive I am not the first person to notice this but I may well be the most mentally ill <3
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Patri/William Vangeance, 42k one-shot
No Archive Warnings Apply
This one is for all the angst lovers out there - pure agony with a dash of Hurt/Comfort at the end. Happy Ending, of course.
Most important tags:
heavy angst angst with a happy ending hurt/comfort depression passive suicidality disordered eating unreality altered mental states
Summary:
After separating from Patri, William suffers the consequences of being alone for the first time in his life.
Far away, in Elysia, the elves struggle to make amends and live in peace. Yet guilt seems to follow Patri everywhere.
What was broken cannot come back together again. Or maybe it can.
#black clover spoilers#black clover fic#patri x william vangeance fic#as an angst writer I am insanely proud of this one#the crown jewel of my angst fic writing career#patri/william shippers I have a real doozy for you#this ship is criminally underrated#well not on my watch!#I'm a sucker for mentally connected characters#anyhow 25k words of pure mental agony and the rest is a romcom#with more than average angst#but still a romcom#it's funny I promise#the ending is happy I promise#yuno is done with everybody#so is nozel but he's in two scenes and has no lines#but you can still tell he's done with everyone#awesome anime btw#really recommend#anyway#mistake out#(that's the new tag for personal stuff btw the previous one was too long)
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My brother in law let me borrow Sonic Frontiers [also read: asked me if I had access to a PS5 and when I said yes, handed it to me and said "play this"] and now my two biggest gaming nightmares are merged into one! [Fast paced gaming mechanics and open world map structures]
Anyway, I've been playing for 8 hours.
#spazzcat barks#i also bought sonic x shadow origins#because im... well... going insane i think#i am having so much fun with the edgy hedgehogs#unrelated but i think my favorite version of knuckles is sonic frontiers knuckles#man is both really curious about whats going on and still shoving himself in to protect sonic despite being basically a ghost#we stan a king#knuckles and shadow are currently battling as my fav characters#also? really like sonic as a character?#the idea of a hero who is reckless and who cant say no to a fight no matter how bad an idea it might be#but who still manages to be a paragon of optimism despite the pitfalls of his personality#cool concept#it reminds me of something? a 90s anime protagonist maybe?#i keep thinking Luffy but i watched like... 20 episodes of One Piece so i think thats wrong#maybe Edward Elric if he werent so jaded#oh! to whom it may concern: i promise im still enjoying Hermitcraft and working on RnS#this does not mark a major shift in fandoms lol#ive just hit a... we'll call it a mental play period#im having fun with a new thing -- especially after the old thing was becoming tedious#[having a hard time writing no time for drawing etc]#end of rhe year rut#this is passing it nicely though
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thinking about how honest the hope is in disco elysium, if that makes sense. how you face consequences for the actions and life you can’t remember. how your nightmares come back and they just might be there to stay. how you still wake up in pain and have to very actively fight off the cravings of your old addictions. how it isn’t easy trying to chose not just life, but living better, living for yourself. how it doesn’t mean any of the problems will go away, or the pain will stop, but it gives you an option other than constant suffering. there’s always a silver lining, it’s just a matter of being able to look up and find it.
hope isn’t always easy, and sometimes it is a choice, but in a torn up world and a torn up body, it’s something. it’s not always pretty or perfect, it’s clumsy and sometimes foolish and hard to keep close, it’s difficult, and maybe it’s all you have but it’s something - streets and sodium lights, the sky, the world, you’re alive
#and you damn well better keep it that way#it’s honest because trauma is still something you have to face and go through no matter how ugly#and it doesn’t just go away. things can get better and then something can hit you again. and that’s okay#idk something something it’s waves in an ocean and sometimes it’s a storm and hope keeps you afloat but it doesn’t mean you can get out of#the ocean. it’s very real in this#does any of this make any sense#or is it just 2 am and I’m stringing words together that sound nice but make no sense#i just think. so much specifically about that last dream with Dolores dei. how it promises to be an ongoing occurance#how even with Kim and solving the case and starting new he’ll still struggle with his traumas#physical and mental. but at least it isn’t hopeless yknow? it sucks but life goes on and it doesn’t suck 100% of the time#idk I’m just. thinking#disco elysium#harry du bois#z speaks
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since i finally have a breather, i'm speedrunning simulanka for the extra encounter points and
hubby, your shaft is too big /smacked
#rin's adventures in teyvat#anyway#how's everyone doing ^^;#i'm back overseas now but i've been swamped with work and packing for my move ough#it's been not fun and honestly i am mentally drained from everything that's been going on but ah well#i'll find a time sometime and energy to properly answer asks and tags and mentions i promise ;w;#i want to create so many things too ahhh#i hope you'll have a good#and relaxing weekend! sending you love and positivity from my side 🫶🏻
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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barton's legit reaction on camera whenever he finds out that the doctors in arkham have written a special note on his chart that says he should now be muzzled before being transported someplace (and i just thought i should mention this would take place right after he had pretty much bitten off the ear of a guard as well as strangled them in the past... like UMMM ☠️ i'm definitely not saying it's right to muzzle a human being, but he would really be out here acting like that didn't happen jsjsj)
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#i know this is kind of a shitpost BUT i missed making these so... TAKE ITTT LMAO#no but although i am saying this in such a way that it breaks up the tension that comes with saying this fictional character literally-#bit off the ear of another character and strangled them as well... i promise y'all that i do not condone violence of any kind-#because that is honestly a very AHHH. insane thing to do to put it simply ☠️ LMAO#though to be fair it's also insane that whoever is backing arkham's funding thinks that muzzling people as well as putting them in-#straitjackets is okay so yeah. let's actually treat people with mental illnesses with respect and not do that please#BUT anyhow this did take place in a roleplay that i was doing with emi as a matter of fact and it was... something else#like idk where me writing this came from but this just further shows you how deranged barton is
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