#i am just. way emotional about talking to a bunch of online friends again

[layalu]

omgg there is. a discord server i forgot i'm in that's from one of the deviantart groups i was in and. it's so wild to talk to some of these guys again????

[edenfalling]

Fifteen Questions for Fifteen Friends

Tagged by @thatgirlnevershutsup

are you named after anyone? Nope! My parents specifically went out of their way to avoid giving either child a family name (though in Nick's case that was only managed via creative spelling). They did wind up making some classical mythology references, but I think that was accidental rather than a deliberate theme. I am also not named after a celebrity despite what A LOT OF PEOPLE assumed when I was a child. (*)

when was the last time you cried? I dunno. I don't tend to cry dramatically, but a handful of tears at an emotional moment isn't surprising.

do you have kids? Nope.

what sports do you play/have played? I played soccer in high school (badly). I also took years of swimming and gymnastics lessons, though I never competed in either activity. I was bad at gymnastics, but I probably could have done pretty well on a swim team. (I talked my swim coaches into letting me be an assistant teacher for pre-schoolers instead of swimming competitively, which I think was much better for my mental health.)

do you use sarcasm? When it feels appropriate.

what is the first thing you notice about people? ...Probably their height, if we meet in person? Or vocal pitch/timbre. Typing style if we meet online.

what's your eye colour? Brown :)

scary movies or happy endings? This is a false dichotomy and I refuse to engage with it.

any talents? I used to be a good singer and a good enough oboist that I took private lessons for a couple years, but I am woefully out of practice. I think I write pretty well too, but I haven't been doing that much for a few years either.

where were you born? New Jersey. You wanna make something of it?

what are your hobbies? Reading, writing, miscellaneous art stuff (lately cross-stitch and paint-by-numbers projects). I keep a bunch of houseplants, and occasionally dabble in outdoor container gardening. Currently I'm into the NY Times crossword and their Spelling Bee game, as well as virtual mahjong solitaire, but which particular puzzles/games I am into varies with time.

do you have any pets? Tragically, no, but someday I will have a dog! ...Or perhaps a cat, if I can get some allergy shots and buy one from a less allergenic breed. Or maybe some fish, or a snake, or... look, I enjoy animals. I just don't currently have enough free time to adequately meet the physical and emotional needs of a dog, and other pets would require more prep work.

Houseplants require much less investment.

how tall are you? 5'3"

favourite subject in school? Y'know, I actually liked all of my classes? At least when the teachers weren't complete wastes of space, and even in those cases I generally still enjoyed the subject. I like learning things. The world is absolutely fascinating -- who doesn't want to know more about it?

I think if you'd asked me around age 16-22, I would have said chemistry, but it's harder to keep up with chemistry when you're not actively in the field so my most enduring interest is probably history. (If you'd asked me at age 6-15 I am pretty certain I would have said math. I still do love math, but again, harder to keep up with when you're not actively in the field.)

dream job? I'm pretty happy with my current job(s), but if they paid twice as much I sure wouldn't say no!

I tag: @wordsforrain, @longroadstonowhere, @ickaimp,@violsva, @asukaskerian, @curlicuecal, @branch-and-root, and anyone else who wants to participate. (*)This will be less confusing if you remember that Elizabeth is my middle name, not my legal first name.

[yurigalactica]

Any assortment of 1, 2, 7, 9, 17, 21, 22, 30 for the music ask game! It's alot but I couldn't decide which ones lol. U don't have to answer them all just pick ur favorites

jokes on you jinx i am so obsessed with music and deep within my own brainrot that i will be answering ALL of them >:D 1. a song you can listen to on repeat

now this question in particular is really hard for me, because i tend to listen to a lot of songs on loop a lot. however most of the time doing so easily makes me sick of it and i have to take a break from listening to it for a few weeks. however one of the songs i listen to a lot and never seem to get bored of is Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales by Car Seat Headrest. especially the end bit, it really scratches my brain the right way, and it's really fun to belt out the harmonies in the car when you're driving through town in the evening

2. a song from one of your favorite albums

it's no secret that i'm a slut for los campesinos. everyone knows this about me. so it's kinda obligatory that i use one of their songs for these asks lmao. my favorite album of theirs in particular is definitely romance is boring (i just adore so many songs on that album!!! genuinely it's banger after banger, i highly recommend listening to the whole album.) my personal all-time favorite from that album is definitely In Media Res, just because of the ending bit with the trumpets. holy shit i get such a surge of dopamine when gareth campesinos goes "if you were given the option of dying painlessly in peace at forty five, with a lover at your side, after a full and happy life, is this something that would interest you? would this interest you at all?" just—AGH

7. a song that reminds you of your friend(s)

this one's easy—Dynamite by BTS. my irl best friend loves k-pop (stuff like BTS and Stray Kids), and while i don't listen to it on my own, i've gotta admit, she's got immaculate taste. dynamite is the one i hear the most around, playing on the radio (because it's mostly in english and i live in a country where most people i know speak english as a first language). so literally anytime i hear this song i find myself immediately thinking of her and going to text her about it LMAO

9. a song that reminds you of yourself 

this one was definitely the hardest to answer, and quite frankly, i sat at my desk for a solid hour trying to find a good one for this. but after some careful deliberation i had to go with Dear Wormwood by the oh hellos. the oh hellos are an incredible band and i genuinely adore all of their music, and highly recommend you listen to their entire discography. this song, though, holds a very special place in my heart—after all, it was my number one song on my spotify wrapped during 2020. it was the song i had on loop during the entirety of quarantine, when i was stuck in my bedroom, isolating myself from everyone in real life and online. during those months i didn't talk to any of my friends, not even over text. my only steady companion was my beloved spotify premium subscription. listening to this song over 500 times permanently altered my brain chemistry and i'm pretty sure it's the reason i have anxiety now /j

17.  a song with great lyrics 

holy fuck. holy fucking shit. To Tundra by los campesinos. i literally froth at the mouth anytime i think of this song oh my gosh. i made a whole post about it ages ago but i'll go on about it again. like "meet me at st. nicholas among the oaks, behind the church that sway like pig-tailed girls as summer wind whistles around your bare-skin knees and the forsythia leaves" KADGKKDFHKADFKHK THE IMAGERY AHHHHHHHH "and in a hazy daydream, our bodies married the stream and we broke down into pebbles and silt" SCREAMING SOBBING VOMITING /pos "we take on the burden of all these sad-eyed children with lilies bunched in our hands" i am literally going to eat a brick this makes me feel so many emotions

21. a song for the rain

Woman by the 1975, probably. there are a lot of good songs to listen to in the rain but this probably takes the cake just because of how echoey and melancholy it feels. i love it when artists do that kind of stuff with the guitar and make it carry out really long—and almost make it sound like it's wailing. it's one of my favorite electric guitar effects ever and i've always found that the 1975 does that really well! and as a guitar player myself how a guitar is played and how it affects the rest of the song is really important in my picking of a favorite song. this one in particular is very versatile, and i feel like you could listen to it not only in the rain, but at night in the car too.

22. a song for dancing 

Tongue Tied by grouplove!!! it's genuinely one of the most happy fun upbeat songs i know. it's like dancing in the kitchen while making cookies with your bestie at 2am kind of music. if you need to cheer yourself up and have an impromptu dance party with energy and excitement then this is the song for you!!! ultimate anti-depression song. and this also happened to be my most listened to song in my spotify wrapped 2021 if that tells you anything about how that year was for me /lh

30.  a song you recommend

Do Me A Favour by the arctic monkeys. i've been listening to them a whole lot more lately, mostly because i also admire their guitar work and also feel like their music vibe fits very well with a fic that i've been workshopping for a while and have not released yet. this one in particular is my ultimate favorite of theirs, probably because of the guitar and the lyrics that go together (but probably mostly because of how well it fits the overall vibe of the fic it goes with. and if you're interested in what it is, it's a benchtrio-centric mystery/horror au)

[symptoms-syndrome]

In therapy yesterday the whole online community topic came up again, and I kept using caveats to talk about it. "I know these people deserve support" and "I know they're struggling with something," things like that. My therapist asked me to just. Talk. Just say what I wanted to say without regard for others. Which was hard! But I did it and it brought a lot of emotions up and I cried about it. I said I felt very alone. It feels very isolating, it feels like I'm once again the only person on earth who struggles with what I struggle with. I used a metaphor of like. It's like I just moved into a house (got a diagnosis/explanation that made sense,) just got comfortable and bought furniture (came to terms with it,) and now a bunch of strangers are in my house telling me everything is wrong and they're going to do it right. I said I want people to take me seriously. I said I want people to know that I went through a lot of really really terrible things, and absolutely no one saved me or protected me from them, and that's why I am the way I am. I wanted people to know that this is really, really hard for me. I want to be able to talk about it without being associated with that image. I said I wanted a different word to use so people knew it was a serious medical thing and not just a lifestyle choice. I said that a few times I think, that it's not a choice and I don't want to be like this. I said that I wished there was more stuff I could relate to, where someone would say "this is a thing I'm struggling with' and I could go "wow, same hat!" Or people would share coping skills and strategies for living like this without the whole "system lifestyle" component. I don't want to "come out to my friends" or introduce my parts or learn their favorite foods or whatever, I want to be able to get right to the point of "what the hell is going on with you?" I want to work on getting better and I want other people to do that with.

They said that that reflected a lot of my growing up feelings. That I was very isolated and alone and told I was crazy (they emphasized this, that people said I was crazy. I wonder if that's what my birth parents said to them in their interview) and dismissed. Which makes sense. It feels weird though, to be upset at what's frankly a bunch of children who have taken over online (and by extension, public perception of) DID. I can't be mad at them, they're children. They're not trying to hurt me. But they are.

It's also like. I'm feeling a lot more hurt than I thought. Earlier in the session I talked about Jesse, how they keep saying we're fine and EMDR is just going to mess us up. I'm really not as fine as Jesse wants to think.

Most of all though. I want to be able to talk about it. I want to be able to share, without the baggage of the public's current perception of DID. I wish I could share from a clean slate without having to brush away all the "well, it isn't like TikTok" conversation. I wish I could talk about it like I talk about PTSD, where it's just. A mental illness that impacts my life. Not who I am, not my identity, not my lifestyle. Just a collection of symptoms.

[abishekmuses]

Sorting It Out Inside

Ok so you want to write online and use it to become rich - of all the people online (millions probably), why do you think you need to do this? what I'm asking is - why does the world need one more guy writing stuff on the internet? I think I have a unique viewpoint - my experiences, background put me in a unique perspective. Hmm what do I mean by that? I guess the sheer contrasts that my life embodies - I've always been identified as smart - and yet I've made life choices that are run-of-the-mill, classic idiot-choices. I was born in a lower middle class household in South India and through a series of scarcely believable life events, I made friends all over the world, speak with a clipped accent and now, work for a Norwegian company. I make more money than most people in my country dream of making and yet for most of the last 3-4 years, my experience has largely been that of low grade anxiety, fear about my future, hedonism, fatigue, drug-use, escapism, bouts of mania followed by shame and self-doubt - well you get it. I'm being a little too harsh on myself - there were moments of bliss, joy, satisfaction, adventure, learning etc as well but that only serves to emphasise the point I'm trying to make about the contrasts.

I am particularly prone, as an individual, to delusion, distraction, solipsism, dissociation and fantasy. I have a mind that is extremely suggestible, albeit quick and flexible - I suffer from a lack of context and perspective. Recently, thanks in no small part due to my commitment to yoga and my decision to stop trying to have my way with life (in this kind of forceful, anxiety provoking manner), I have found some space within myself - a space that helps me notice my behaviour patterns, emotional triggers, violent biochemical responses etc without being taken in by them .

This has allowed to me to institute a modicum of sanity in my life - it is precisely that modicum of sanity that is even allowing me to perform this very exercise of self-indulgent pontification - I would have probably been staring at a youtube video otherwise.

Back to the contrasts,

I used to be a devout Hindu growing up. Gave it up because it wasn't fashionable enough - became a reductionist, hardcore atheist. Tripped on a bunch of drugs that blew my whole model of reality to smithereens and was left having to pick up the stray pieces of my psyche for years - discovering "spirituality" and yoga in the process. For the lack of simple terms to describe it, let's say my models of reality are a LOT more fluid now than they used to be. I pray but I don't know to whom. I bow down in reverence and awe on practically a daily basis. I shed tears of gratitude very often and do yoga sadhana practically every day. Again, just saying this to highlight the abundance of perspectives I've inhabited and the contrasts that I've been able to experience and live out. I am often called "confident" and "courageous" - not entirely untrue assessments either - I can talk to strangers with absolute ease and have no problems but I also know it to be true that I'm a very fearful, self-doubting, anxious, people pleasing, attention seeking person. Another contrast that I'm making more sense of as I go along. I have experienced profoundly rapturous states that, by themselves, justify the enterprise of living on earth. I have experienced desolation that felt permanent and immutable. I am familiar with the ways of Ancient India (not as dry philosophy; as a living tradition with continuity and soul) and have partied with the best of them in Europe. I've had foursomes and I've slept with beautiful women. I've made desperate and ungainly attempts at sexual gratification resulting in embarrassing rejections and soul crushing vortices of self-hate and shame. I've imposed myself on girls sexually and doubted my attractiveness a million times.

I've inspired people, repulsed people, supported people, destroyed people's emotional equanimity, taught people, learned from people, betrayed people, cried for people, cried over people, cried with people, laughed and danced and sang on the streets, done drugs with strangers and sang hymns from the Vedas.

I think I can write on the internet and make myself a good living while offering something of value to those struggling with the same ills that I did (and probably still do).

The world is evolving rapidly and we are being confronted with some pretty new problems - kids apparently are losing their shit mentally - and it's because of too much phone-time and not enough social interaction, apparently.

I want to use my experience to be a voice of comfort, guidance and awakening, if I can. If i'm being presumptuous in this assessment, reality will duly give me a check in the near future.

Ok I think I'll go to sleep now.

[squirrelpudding]

March 1st, 2024

Today my mom came into my room saying my doctor[s office] randomly mailed us a list of references for therapists, but all of them were online/call only, no in person. I have had several different therapists, and they were all fine, but I don't really think the traditional style of therapy works for me. I stopped going because the place I used to go to closed. I had it every two weeks, and that was too long where I couldn't remember what had happened in that time, but one week would've been too short, and I wouldn't really have anything to talk about. I think also I can only really remember things that happened to me that match whatever current mood I'm in. And when I went to therapy, I was usually just happy that I could get out of the house, so I could only really remember the happy things that had happened in that time. There was a lot of shit I could've talked about, but never did because I wasn't in the mood. Also, I couldn't really open up to any of my therapists because I knew nothing about them. One hour every two weeks was not enough time to feel comfortable enough with a person to talk to them about certain things. Maybe if I went back now that I am less shy and have a much easier time thinking of things to say. But also I don't really have anything to talk about. Right before the clinic I went to closed, my therapist had me do a bunch of tests, which resulted in a full analysis of me. It was really interesting, because it was a lot of stuff that I felt was true about me but wouldn't have been able to point out about myself.

"In her social relationships, Anna has strong wishes for acceptance and closeness. She is sensitive and cautious, and seeks cooperative relationships based on safety and trust. She is content to maintain a few close friendships, and she tends to be selective of her friends while seeking to avoid conflict. She feels less assertive than most of her peers and, as a result, she feels she needs guidance and assurance in order to take chances. Her thoughts are often disrupted by her excessive fear of social rebuff, a fear that is often intensified by her tendency to anticipate rejection. Her lack of self-assertiveness, tendency to underestimate herself, and anxiety around assuming mature and responsible roles cause her to withdraw into isolated activities and allow others to make decisions. At times, she may become distracted by inner thoughts that arise during social interactions. To counteract the pain these ideas and preoccupations carry, she may have learned to avoid emotional experiences and suppress events that stir disturbing memories and feelings. These defensive efforts may prevent her from developing the close and accepting relationships she desires" - excerpt from the report made by my old therapist

I just think its interesting. Anyway, I was thinking about therapy because I was thinking about how I always get depressed in an unmotivated way in the fall, and then fix myself second semester. I'm still depressed second semester, it just doesn't reflect in my grades. I'm the only person in my family who is not on antidepressants, and one time my mom suggested I start taking them, but I think she forgot and I never brought it up again. I have all As and Bs in school, which I have never had before. I've had As and Bs, but I usually also get a C or D in something. I've never not had a C.

The pictures attached are from the trip I took with my friend to Las Vegas and LA during the break. I was going to blog about it, because it made me feel like I am an actual teenager, but now I don't really feel like writing about it. I think the point of this blog is to document my life, and write about important stuff, but more importantly its just to get me to write. Last year, I completed all my new years resolutions except the one that said "write more". But I don't want to force myself to write, otherwise I will get tired of it and start to hate it.

I had forgotten how much I love to read. In my English class, we are reading "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, and I finished it today. I really really liked it. I like most books we read in school, but this one was different. I can't stop thinking about Mary Anne, and the part where she was staring off, and when asked if she was okay she said that was the happiest she had ever been. I don't know why, that just stuck with me. I used to read a lot in elementary and middle school, but I kind of stopped in 8th grade, I think because of covid and such. But my friends and I talked about starting a book club. I really hope we do it, because it would peer pressure me into reading. But honestly I don't think we will get around to it because we suck at making plans and organizing people. I think tonight instead of playing on my phone for an hour before bed, maybe I will read. Maybe.

[kogatunes]

THE FOREST RASCALS!! // some random omori au me and my friends made :3

uh.. the forest rascals is an OMORI AU (but with our OMORI ocs, what a shocker) made by Elysia, Ruxxide, Kitsaku, Roasted and Kogatunes!! it's like.. sorta the main cast but with, again, our OMORI ocs, it represents our actual friendgroup online/irl! :3

this idea has been going on for 3 months and we're really proud of it!! the story is still in progress tho so a LOT of changes will be made in the final thing we put out ;3 ;3 ;3 ;3

SO UH ANYWAY, enough rambling!

CASTS NAMES!! Marco Echavez, Hinode Mirai, Cass Barkly, Koi Ito and Niko Miller. (wow)

SOOO, 5 people in total, you're probably asking yourself: "Why am I reading a bunch of kids' OCs?? i should be doing the laundry and walking the dog" actually, we don't know either, just keep reading, I'm desperate, i'm begging tumblr will show this to other people waahh

Will post the designs later, or maybe never hehe

HEADSPACE !!!!

-------------------------------------

MARCO SAYS:

“Hey! You over there! Have you heard of my brother?”

MARCO is a passionate young boy with a strange obsession with his big brother and also empanada de carnes. He constantly boasts about how he has an amazing big brother which is probably why he has a lot of friends. He proclaims himself to be the leader of the FOREST RASCALS, but nobody’s really sure anyone in that group is sane at this point.

Stats Heart: ⭐ Juice: ⭐⭐ Attack: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Defense: ⭐ Speed: ⭐⭐⭐️⭐️ Luck: ⭐

His Weapon: Megaphone. “Hey, isn’t this already—“ No it isn’t! Marco’s megaphone is constantly used for his advertisements and rambling, except ten times worse because it’s mechanically modified to be ten times louder.

made by: Elysia

-------------------------------

KOI SAYS:

"Hi! I'm KOI! Whats up?!" KOI is always down to have acquaintances and friends! She's a very social gal, but sometimes she gets a little moody and upset, but a good joke will always bring a bright smile to her face! Her brain can sometimes be a little slow though, she refuses to wear her glasses, no matter how hard you try to convince her.

Stats Heart: ⭐⭐⭐ Juice: ⭐⭐ Attack: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Defense: ⭐⭐⭐ Speed: ⭐⭐ Luck: ⭐

Her Weapon: Stapler A stapler, some of the staples are kind of rusty, perfect for hitting people on the head, or just stapling their arm. (owch), but Koi hasn't thought of that attack yet, dont tell her.

Likes: Scented markers, Cats, Ornaments, Stickers, Fruit soda Dislikes: Marco's excessive talking about his brother, Teasing, Pranks where she cant fight back.

made by: Kogatunes (or Krillchi)

---------------------------------

CASS SAYS:

"Value is in the eye of the beholder!"

CASS is known as that one kid who'd somehow and some way get into trouble and not know it! There's always a little mischievous plan he has going on in that head of his, and you are gonna be there to find that out yourself! He isn't the smartest guy on the group, but he can stir up a quick plan when he needs to!

Heart: ⭐⭐⭐ Juice: ⭐⭐⭐ Attack: ⭐⭐⭐ Defense: ⭐⭐ Speed: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Luck: ⭐⭐⭐

[weapon: Tree Branch]

Likes: crickets and other bugs, cheesecake, mudfish, empty boxes, toy cars, cats, and dinosaur posters

Dislikes: Cucumbers, Amusement parks, Huge crowds, Plastic forks, Waiting rooms, and bright lights.

Made by: Ruxxide

-------------------------------

MIRAI SAYS:

"Hm..? Oh..hello, fellow dreamer.."

MIRAI is a kind and gentle soul, She sleeps quite a lot and pretty much anytime anywhere! She's not very social and is quite shy and quiet as well, she's quite emotional but her emotions can switch really fast, she's usually either calm or cheerful though. Her left eye's vision is absolutely so bad she can't even read with it. She likes a certain someone.. someone who has a rock.

Heart: ⭐⭐⭐ Juice: ⭐⭐ Attack: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Defense: ⭐⭐ Speed: ⭐⭐ Luck: ⭐

Her Weapon: A long stick

A broom stick without the sweepies, She treats it as a sword and swings it around, she probably randomly picked it up in one of their adventures and claimed it as her weapon, She actually once broke one out of anger so be careful if she breaks it again.. she might think of stabbing instead.

Likes: Animals, Drawing, Sleeping, Eating, Her Friends, Adventures, Marco's big brother, a certain someone

Dislikes: Homework, creepy insects, Marco eating insects, getting lost

made by: Kitsaku

-------------------------------------

NIKO SAYS:

"Oh, hello there!"

Niko is a kind boy! Despite the hardships he has gone through he always remained optimistic and happy! also he has the worst eyesight ever.

Heart: ⭐⭐ Juice: ⭐⭐⭐ Attack: ⭐⭐⭐ Defense: ⭐⭐ Speed: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Luck: ⭐⭐

made by: Roasted

-------------------

heres all of our twitters btw <3

Ruxxide: https://twitter.com/Moldycakeq

Elysia: https://twitter.com/starchasmnyxon

Kogatunes: https://twitter.com/kogatunes

Kitsaku: https://twitter.com/HinodeMirai

Roasted: https://twitter.com/roasted53666504

[megbonney]

(rare Paranoia-Told-Me-So-Post)

if you're hypothetically stalking this because i hypothetically cut you off with no hypothetical 'reason', i hypothetically suggest you hypothetically move on 😊  i may not have been the greatest friend to you but you definitely weren't either (though your idea of a good friend is just someone who fuels your delusions). my desperation for a tiddlywink, a dash even, of respect, was admittedly pathetic. that's why i bought you so much shit - while money can buy happiness, it can't buy friendship. i would apologise for not communicating enough but it's kinda hard when it's constantly my fault. when you're made to not feel safe about something, you don't do it anymore. i would apologise for not hanging out with you enough but i was constantly too much for you: we only hung out when you had no one else. whether you disagree with me or not isn't something i give a fuck about but if you taught me one thing it's "you can't argue with feelings." so this is how i feel you treated me. i'm glad i was starting to change, not be something you liked anymore. i realise the last thing i wanted was to be anything remotely close to you. you are everything but a role model. if you were doing anything it was making me a piece of shit, giving me shitty behaviours and habits that i now have to undo. technically you did raise me, but not well. if i have to untrain my brain that getting groomed is not my fault, that should say a lot. (what kind of friend says that? a light apparently.) i should've listened when all the friends we went through said the same thing about you. i kinda wish i was smarter with you. if i had known you would've asked my best friend to stalk my instagram, told my mother about very Intimate things which was a very low blow for you, messaged my brother aswell, also someone i literally..cut off....who then told my best friend...who told me.........i woulda known what kinda person you are. but i know now! i just find your attempt to make me look slutty to the woman who birthed me kinda bold. very bold actually. lol tldr: i hate dragging shit but i'm doing this for my own closure and also because my brain tries to convince me of something and sometimes (like now) i do things. thanks for the good times, although barely any around the time i left you. i hope you don't project being a rebound onto your other friends. i'd feel bad for them. you always told me to cut off people who treat me like shit and i did, so. if i wanted to tell you to relapse i would've myself, so, wasn't me. i could've though, considering how little my wellbeing actually meant to you. you only wanted to talk to me when it conveniences you, you are the person who never asks 'how are you'. you are half the shit i've written about on here, though i never said it to your face before. this is a shitty tldr O_O we both suck in our own fruity ways but you definitely suck a lot. if you're still being a mooch/leech/emotional leech/every kind of it in 2024 i'll feel bad for the people who keep you around. if you'd like to know, i am communicating swimmingly :-) it's way easier when my friends make me feel safe! :D but srsly if you're still dragging this please get a job or do something with your chronically online life instead of smacktalking a minor, although that is what you do to everyone you know. so..so much for light. i could sit here and call you a fucking foul bitch with no future but that'd be plain rude. you can say what you want about crow and i being on good terms again but when i had to spend a year listening to a fuckin parrot in my ear i'd understandably not be the biggest fan of him. same as him not being the biggest fan of you for leaking a minors sex life to their parents. and a bunch of other shit. yeah.

[espressokiri]

Heyy, I’m Muslim and I’m also a huge simp for Todoroki, Bakugo, Iida, and Kaminari. Soooo can I have them with a Muslim (possibly hijabi) s/o?

Todoroki Shoto, Bakugou Katsuki, Iida Tenya, and Kaminari Denki x Hijabi!reader

In which reader is a hijabi Muslim.

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff (literally half these ideas came from late night talks with my bestie @that-weirdo-in-the-corner)

Note: My first headcanon <3 I hope you like it!

Todoroki Shoto

We’re all aware of this mans lack of physical affection and aloof nature, along with his social awkwardness. That’s a recipe for odd encounters and hilarious misunderstandings.

This man gained interest in you when he noticed you were elegant even while in training/battles, along with your sweet nature and fashionable modest wear.

He researched about your religion and had found out that only women who are married are allowed to go out alone with their partners.

Poor boy didn’t read/research enough.

He decides to get to know you from a distance, respecting your boundaries and it wasn’t that hard to avoid physical contact as he himself was not one to initiate it.

When you did get closer and formed an emotional bond, you’ll be met with the weirdest encounter;

“Shoto, what are you doing?” You blinked, not understanding what the half-and-half male was doing bent on one knee with a ring box outside your family home.

“I read that we can only go out on dates together if you’re married.”

You want to smack your head on the wall but you were flattered at the same time.

Had to tell him that you were allowed on dates if you were chaperoned by a family member or friends.

Had Fuyumi chaperone you two, she was very delighted but had kept watch from a distance.

Shoto has the best time learning about your religion, curiously asking questions and gains a deeper understanding of how things were in your perspective.

He keeps a respectful distance even during dates, making sure he wasn’t crossing boundaries.

Would scour the whole of Japan to find halal food.

Tells you that he called Endeavour shaytaan and you choke on the water you were sipping on, laughing out loud.

Fasts with you one day and is betrayed at how full he felt after one bite.

Hands you Endeavour’s exclusive credit card for Eid.

Todoroki is just very genuine and he tries his best to keep you comfortable around him, also carries hijab pins in his backpack just in case you need some.

Bakugou Katsuki

Oh God.

Listen, he’s very respectful in his own way but it took him time to work through it with his competitive nature.

Man has done his research thoroughly and he is ready to commit.

“I can cook us a vegetarian meal that won’t be boring to the tastebuds like the crap they sell out there.”

That’s his way of asking you out, making sure his parents would be home too because he knows two people of different genders should not be left alone.

Makes the best damn vegetarian dish. Vegetarian because he has yet to figure out what halal is.

Tries to learn some words, does excellent but his way of speaking is even more aggressive than an Emirati accent. He has your Arab friends shaking in their shoes.

It’s Ramadan? Prepare for three am calls that consist of him yelling at you to get up. Yes, he breaks his sleep pattern to wake you up to eat. Yes, he makes you video call him so he makes sure you eat well and hydrate. Yes, he ends up fasting with you so you don’t feel alone. Will he tell you that? No.

Sometimes he makes Iftar for you and brings it in a bento, giving it to you after school so you can have a good meal.

Watches you with wide eyes and mouth open in shock when he sees you eating when you’re supposed to be fasting;

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO EAT YET!”

“I- I’m on my period?”

“SO?”

“We’re not allowed to fast while we’re on our period.”

He stays quiet the rest of the day.

Admires different styles of hijab you do.

Eid? He’s the best dressed alongside you. 

Bakugou would be a good partner, respectable, and tries his best to understand and make you feel comfortable in his own way.

Iida Tenya

This boy knows everything already.

Has done research the second he realized there was a Muslim classmate, and as a good fellow class president it was his duty to make sure everyone was comfortable.

Has extra scarves with a small tin full of pins for you kept under his desk in case of emergencies or if they get damaged in training (which wouldn’t happen as Hatsume had created one that would resist damage.) It was a nice thought.

He does slowly wants to get to know you more as your sweet nature made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Keeps a respectful distance at all time.

“Asalam Alaikum, Y/n! It has come to my attention that Ramadan is nearing soon so I have made a list of dietary necessities you may need to intake in order to help your quirk during the holy month.”

“Iida, that’s so sweet of you! You didn’t have to! Also, how did you pronounce that so well?”

“As you class president and friend, I am honoured to do such! To answer your question, I had listened to someone say it on repeat before I practiced.”

This man has every word on repeat just to soak it in his brain.

Averts his eyes even if he sees your ankle, angry at himself for accidentally glancing.

Sir, I promise it’s not a sin to look at an ankle accidentally.

Sees your Hijab bunching up and start showing bits of your neck and shoulder? Grabs the end of the scarf and pulls it down to cover again, avoiding touching your skin.

Checks the ingredients list of the snacks you’re buying for gelatine or alcohol, making sure it’s halal/vegetarian/vegan friendly.

Upset you can’t find halal gummies? This man goes online and orders a bag of certified halal sweets for you to enjoy because you deserve simple joys like this.

Makes sure you pray on time, has the MuslimPro app on his phone to keep track.

He also scrolls through the app to learn more.

Iida is a perfect gentleman and he’s also making sure that you stay spiritually on track and don’t get distracted <3

Kaminari Denki

This man is a physically affectionate person. 

He will make the mistake of bounding over to you and slinging an arm around your shoulder or pull you into a hug.

But he will learn and try to control the affectionate urges, limiting himself to hand holding if you allow it.

He thinks you look wonderful with the different coloured hijabs.

Tries making you wear a yellow and black one to match his hair.

Forgets that you can’t eat everything and anything, especially casual things like gummies.

Will apologize profusely when he realizes after you tell him it has gelatine.

Tries to stave off of gelatine infused products.

“Not even water???”

“Denki, I swear to God I’m going to smack you.”

Yes he’s that guy.

Tries fasting with you, just sleeps through the whole day till it was time to eat.

When he see’s you dozing off in class because of staying up all night either because of suhoor or special night prayers during the last ten days, he’ll zap you to keep you paying attention.

He is honestly your hype man when it comes to modest fashion, especially during Eid. This boy will dramatically kneel on the floor and look at you like you’re the light of his life.

Get’s excited when you hand him Eid money because you love him and he has cute child-like tendencies.

Tries greeting your family members, comes out as gibberish.

“Asalamasjdaskjdhashjs”

“Not quite there yet, Denki. A-plus for effort.”

He’s a fun guy who tries to better himself around you, making sure he’s aware of his actions and makes an effort to not mess up around you because he’s never felt so in love with a person as he has with you.

[ineffable-endearments]

CW for queerbait discussion, suicide mention

//

I am gonna post a separate ramble about other things soon, but this one deserved its own post.

Do not fucking bully people who accuse GO of being queerbait or send Neil repetitive questions. Even though they're wrong! Don't do it! Just let Neil answer if he wants to and ignore them if they bother you. Or do what most people do, which is complain to your friends in private on Discord or in DMs or whatever. Private griping!

First of all, Neil chooses what to answer. I DO personally get the severe second-hand embarrassment when I see people send the same questions over and over and over again, and I want the fandom to be kind to him, too, because I think he has a rare and fascinating relationship with the fandom. But the bottom line is that Neil could close asks or stop engaging if he wanted to. He actually drew a pretty good line in the sand with that last post where he said this is the last time he's going to answer the "is it queerbaiting" question. Yes, we should do our part and try not to be rude to him online, but we need to extend that grace to our fellow fans, too.

Most of the people sending these questions don't realize he's already answered a bunch of times.

Most of these people are kids. Or if they're not kids, they're young adults who grew up in a very different world from the one that 30+ folks grew up in. We don't know their life stories. Some of them are accustomed to much more blatant representation and are discouraged to discover how unusual and recent that is. Some of them are mercilessly bullied for being LGBTQIA+ offline and representation literally gives them something to live for. Some of them have just seen a few scattered posts on social media and don't have any background info, and had no idea their questions were going to come across as repetitive or grating. We have all been there, and I can guarantee you we will all be there again at some point in the future.

Please don't set a cruel example for these kids. They shouldn't learn that if you misunderstand something, or if you get emotional and say something wrong, people have the right to mercilessly kick your ass. That's not a world any of us actually want to live in, and we can start making our current one better by being just a little gentle.

I'm not trying to shut down discussions or silence people from talking about these issues, which ARE important. Arguing back with a bad point is not the same as bullying. If you really think there's something to be gained by engaging with a "GO is queerbaiting" or "I'm going to ask Neil the same question he's answered 50 times" post, then give genuine, good-faith explanations for why the take is wrong. They're plentiful. Explain the meaningful representation you personally found. Explain the on-screen ways that the series already challenges cishet hegemony. Discuss the history of representation and why GO has an important place. Discuss the personal hurt that comes from having representation that is meaningful to you dismissed. Do it all without calling the other person "stupid." If the other person is being cruel to you, then yes, definitely defend yourself, and then shut down the conversation and move on. And for fuck's sake, don't EVER suicide bait over this no matter how obnoxious the other person becomes. If I find out that you're an adult who suicide baited a kid over a fictional story, we can't be friends.

This comes from someone with a serious temper. I've almost certainly made disparaging remarks about people in the past. But seeing how many people pile on the bandwagon and take it to an extreme - from acting mildly sarcastic to being really aggressive - woke me up. It's way too much and it's very disturbing.

I'm not big on telling people How To Engage With Fandom and this is the bossiest post I've ever made in my life, but I see a few people being sort of needlessly cruel and that is too much for me to keep quiet about. Aziraphale would be disappointed, and although he wouldn't admit it, Crowley would be, too.

[emberopolis]

✨Persona Magic ✨

This has been sitting in my head for a while and I wanted to talk about it.  I want to talk about the idea of using a persona to cope with yourself, to better yourself, or to discover things about yourself.  We’re gonna call this persona magic from here on out.

✨So what is persona magic? In short, you create an idealized self, and you let yourself ‘become’ this entity in places like meditation, astral travel, dreams, or embody them in your magical space while awake if you need/want to.  And your persona doesn’t have to be a human for this!

Persona magic is a psychological and spiritual way of imbuing yourself with certain emotions or characteristics you might want for what you are doing.  For instance you can use it to empower yourself, or calm negative emotions and thoughts.  If you believe in the ‘raise power, send power’ practice of magic, this is a way to help raise power in yourself as well.

In your mind you become the persona, and through the persona you do what you need to do.  Me, personally, I take on my persona form when I do meditations, and I choose to make it my full time appearance online.  I’ve recently started experimenting with embodying it in my magical practice as well.  My persona makes me feel powerful, magical, and (perhaps the best part) alleviates my dysphoria, which often weighs heavily on me.  My persona helps my mind stay clearer.  Older personas of mine also lead to me realizing I was trans and understanding my transness.

✨ What did you mean by ‘your persona doesn’t have to be human?’ Exactly what I said!  If you don’t feel like a human represents you, don’t be one!  Your persona can be whatever you want.  You might’ve heard of various kinds of personas that aren’t human before, the most common being the fursona.  There’s also witchsona, monstersona, objectsona.  There’s so many kinds of personas, and you can pick any one of them to be you!

Take my persona, for instance.  I am a dragon with a human face.

If I had to put myself under a more specific label, I would call this my ‘monstersona’ I suppose, but since I choose to represent myself as this entity full-time online, I prefer the broader ‘persona.’  When I do deep meditation, I often look like this.  In fact, this form came to me in deep meditation!

Another thing worth mentioning about your persona:  It can change any time you want/need it to.  I have had multiple personas over my life, and who knows if the persona I have now will be my last one.  Your persona can be changed to fit what you want or need.  That’s part of what makes it so great.

✨ How can I use my persona in magic? As I mentioned previously, your persona’s main job is to imbue you with whatever emotions/thoughts you want/need for what you’re doing.  I suffer from dysphoria, anxiety, and doubt, so my persona is designed to alleviate these things.

Visualization and intent are a big part of magic.  Your persona can assist you in these things.  Your persona can be a sympathetic object, for instance, or represent the tools you want to use for a spell.

“What’s a sympathetic object?” you might be asking.  In short, a sympathetic object is something that represents something else-- in this case, the persona represents you.  According to Deborah Lipp in her book Magical Power for Beginners, that which is like the object (sympathetic) is the object where magic is concerned.  In the same book she explains that a way to make a spell more powerful is to layer it, aka adding more than one thing serving the same purpose to the spell.  So by visualizing yourself as your persona, you are layering yourself, adding two forms of you to the spell.  Remember, that which is like the object is the object in the realm of the spell, so your persona (which is like you) is you.

Your persona can also help you raise power.  In Lipp’s same book she talks about the process of casting a spell, which is broken down like this:

Focus your intention.

Create your connection.

Raise power.

Send power.

Finish the spell.

Raising power is the act of generating energy.  You can pull energy from several different sources, but one of the easiest sources is yourself.  If your persona makes you feel more powerful, you are likely tapping into power/energy you already had, but had cut yourself off from because of mental/emotional hang-ups.  You now have more power to use for magic!  And, potentially, a clearer pathway for that power to flow through you.

A very popular (and accurate) phrase in the magical community is that you don’t need a ton of tools to perform magic, you need intent.  Visualization is also a powerful tool in magic.  You can use your persona as part of your visualization work.  For example, let’s say I don’t have a ritual knife, but I want to do something where one would be good to have.  My persona has claws.  I can visualize my persona/myself using those claws to achieve the same effect as the ritual knife.

✨ How do I make a persona? There are two main ways to make a persona, which I refer to as ‘active creation’ and ‘organic creation.’  Active creation is where you sit down and consciously choose everything that goes into your persona.  This is how most people make them.  Organic creation is where you let the persona ‘come to you’ through a process, such as meditation or astral travel.  My persona is organic in this way, as I went into a deep meditation and and prompted my mind to ‘show me what I am.’  I didn’t pick a bunch of things I wanted it to include, I let it come to me all at once and I looked at it and figured out how it made me feel.  I’d highly recommend this method, as I personally feel a very deep connection to my persona as a result, but if you have trouble with meditation or visual thought, then an actively made persona is just fine!  The important thing is that you resonate with the form.

✨ What else can I do with my persona? Aside from being a magical tool, your persona can be used to help you cope with your feelings.  Like I’ve mentioned, I use mine to cope with my dysphoria, which can get pretty bad and can be triggered by pretty innocuous things.  Ever since I chose to represent myself with my persona online, though, I’ve found that my dysphoria is easier to manage and is triggered less.  You can use your persona to help alleviate anxiety or depression.  My previous personas were ‘reminders’ to myself of what I was capable of.  I would often tell myself, “If I can make a character who is like this, I can be like this.”  (There’s that sympathetic magic again.)

And that’s it! I hope you find this useful and get amazing results, should you choose to implement this into your practice.  If you have any questions about persona magic, feel free to shoot me an ask!

(Please keep in mind that persona magic is not an alternative for medical/professional help.  Mundane before magical, friends.  If you feel you would benefit from medication or therapy, get it.  Stuff like this can help you, but should never replace what a professional can provide you.)

[thefanficmonster]

You Never Notice

Sykkuno x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff

Summary: The center of someone’s world is never aware of their importance even when everyone else is in the know. People are hard to understand, no denying, but if we all spilled our truth like how Y/N admitted her feelings to Sykkuno, mutual understanding would be achieved a lot more easily. JK, she needed an eternity and maybe a thousand pushes. What’s important is the result though, right?

Requested by Anon. You are my first Sykkuno request and I wish I could thank you with a tag. Instead, I’m gonna thank you with a fic in which I put my all. Thank you for the request, hope the final product doesn’t let you down. 🥰

Here we go again. Sykkuno’s love life is brought up. This time it’s more frustrating cause I can’t shout how wrong he is about himself and the effect he has on the people around him. He has no room to speak, he hasn’t experienced what I have - one of your best friends living in your head rent-free because you’re just that whipped by them. That’s right kids, some of us never grow past the middle school crushes - they are a constant for some. That can be a good or a bad thing, it completely depends on how you view it.

Currently, him and Rae are addressing some dating rumors that started spreading about them earlier this week while Felix, Sean and I are kicking each other’s butts in Party Animals. We’re not all playing together, actually, we were all playing different games when we hopped into the call and just grouped together after playing solo got boring. Rae and Sykkuno are playing Among Us on a random server, her being the only person who’s streaming right now. She said she just wanted to clear up the dating rumors cause they were annoying to see popping up on her feed on every social media platform she’s active on.

“It’s ridiculous, really. People just look for online personalities to put in imaginary relationships. Are they that bored? I know quarantine is getting to everyone, but damn“ Rae says, laughing a bit to take the edge off her words but I know she’s bothered by this ordeal more than she’s letting on. I know how much it bothers her when people ship random youtubers and streamers together, even when she’s not involved. 

And I agree. Ever since I started streaming I’ve been shipped with my friends left and right. First Corpse, then Dave, Joel...you name them. It gets kinda gross cause these people are legit like siblings to me. Unlike Rae, though, I don’t waste my breath trying to clear those ‘talks of the net’ up. I don’t know if it’s for better of for worse that I remain silent on the issue when I’m involved but am willing to stand up for my friends when they find themselves in a similar situation. Some people think the reason I don’t share my thoughts is because the rumors are true, but the hint is most often taken, resulting in the ship ending. Well, that ship ending, there’s always a new one popping up. As Rae said, it’s ridiculous.

“Why does everyone think I am ever dating anyone? I’ve already commented on this: no one would date me.“ Sykkuno says through a sigh-like laugh.

“Why are you so sure?“ I blurt out without as much as a second thought

My eyes widen just a bit, just a bit. I’m not too surprised with myself. I am slowly losing control of my raging emotions and I’m afraid of what I’ll turn into when all my restraints snap. A mess, that’s the most likely answer.

“Well....“ Sykkuno trails off, clearly more than a little nervous, “I don’t have a girlfriend right now, and I haven’t had one in a while...Nor has a girl shown any interest to be more than friends with me in what feels like forever.“

“I’m sure you just don’t notice the hints girls drop. We can be pretty subtle.“ I try to sound as nonchalant as possible while I’m still in my panicked animal mode. And by animal I mean a cub. A scared cub that is now showing confidence but will run and hide right afterwards. I silently thank the universe that I’m not streaming right now. I can feel the heat on my neck and cheeks which is pure embarrassment and would have been more than evident on-camera.

“Yeah Y/N’s right, Sykkuno. Girls can be very subtle, but they will always let you know if they like you, even through the smallest of gestures. You gotta keep your eyes open.“ Rae backs me up reassuringly.

“Guys never notice anything.“ I say, rolling my eyes. I feel the pressure lessen thanks to Rae’s involvement in the conversation.

“That’s not true.“ Sean protests, “We pay close attention, especially to girls we are attracted to.“

“Yeah!“ Sykkuno pipes in again, “I’m pretty sure I would notice if a girl was dropping signals that she likes me.“

Now that stings. That legit makes me wince and cringe as though his voice delivered an actual physical hit to my chest and stomach. It’s really unpleasant, painful even.

“You never notice.“ There’s something about this triple opportunity - proving him wrong that he’d catch onto a girl’s signals; proving him wrong that girls aren’t attracted to him; coming clean about the biggest emotional struggle I’ve experienced in recent years; - that snaps my last emotional restraints. I will totally regret this later, but after the regret comes the relief which is 100% worth it. 

“What?“ He sounds very puzzled. I can just about imagine him frowning as he tries to wrap his brain around something even I can’t wrap mine around.

“You say you’d notice a girl’s hints of attraction. OK.“ I nonchalantly throw Felix off the submarine in Party Animals while I keep talking, “Would you notice if a girl purposely doesn’t kill you in Among Us when she’s impostor? Or would you notice that a girl always sends you links to videos she finds funny? Or that she always shares music and movie recommendations with you and you only?“ 

Dead silence ensues. I feel like they have all glitched, considering Sean didn’t even try to put up a fight when I lifted him and threw him in the ocean as I previously did with Felix’s avatar.

Maybe I was a tad too specific and made the whole situation hit a little too close to home for me. 

Sykkuno and I have become really close friends and we chat and play games regularly. As I mentioned, I give him movie and music recommendations and I only recently started acknowledging the fact that I’ve never killed him in Among Us. Natural instinct I guess. In fact, I feel the need for vengeance when he’s killed. I refuse to even vote for him unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Now that I think about it, it’s not his fault he has no clue. I just don’t know how to properly drop hints.  

“Um...I mean, I guess I would notice but I’d never think they are that type of hints.“ He finally replies.

On point there, dear. On damn point.

“What does it take for you to be convinced that a girl is into you?“ Who cares that a bunch of people are about to witness this outpour? It’ll make it more real, yes, but it will also help me believe that it happened so I don’t try to crawl back to the point where return is an option. No return now. You’ve already passed two thirds of the way. The last one will set you and your mind free. 

“The only way I can be sure is if she tells me, really.“ He sounds so nervous and shy, like he’s trying to draw as little attention as possible.

He doesn’t have to worry. I’m about to pull all the attention on me.

“Well in that case....you leave me no other choice.“ My screen displays me as the winner of this round of Party Animals - an easy one considering my friends are glitched in real life. “I like you, Sykkuno. I like you a lot. And I know you will see it from every context except the one its meant to be in so I’ll be even more head-on - I’ve liked you, as more than a friend for quite some time now, but buddy, you can be sooo oblivious sometimes. Anyway...“ Here’s that regret I was talking about, it’s already creeping in. “Don’t feel the need to say it back. I don’t wanna hear it if you don’t mean it. And Rae,“ I can’t help but laugh at the thought, “Sorry for making your chat go crazy. Peace!“

And I disconnect from the Discord call.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?“ I say out loud, staring at my desktop. “The cat’s out of the bag and you can move on now.“

I push myself to get some work done in order to get my mind off the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid of thinking about it, I know I’ll get too upset to do anything with the rest of my day if I do.

Suddenly, just as I’m about to open my email, my phone chimes. My brain doesn’t bother to stop my arm from automatically reaching out and checking the notification. A message.

From Sykkuno.

~ I knew you didn’t suggest me ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ for no reason

Me ~ So...?

~ So, I’m not the only oblivious one here, Y/N

Me ~ Wait WHAT?

~ ‘Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist’?

Me ~ Oooohhhh...I see

It takes him a few seconds to reply, the bubble with the three bouncing dots popping up and disappearing a few times now. I just now feel my heart banging against the inside of my ribcage, my pulse echoing in my ears.

He did seem a little too eager for me to watch that movie...

~ So, movie date?

I laugh, wholeheartedly and honestly. Genuine joy running through my veins.

Me ~ So it is.

The grin that is now decorating my features promises to stay there for the rest of the day. I bite my bottom lip at the thought that pops into my head.

Me ~ Phew, I can stop sparing you in Among Us from now on

He sends me three cry-laughing emojis in return, but I don’t need those. I can just imagine him laughing as he usually does with one hand covering his mouth. And here I thought my grin couldn’t grow wider.

 Imagining him happy makes me smile. His happiness makes me happy. He makes me happy.

Even better...

I think the feeling’s mutual.

[literaphobe]

Two questions:

1. What do you feel about CorpsexSykunno ship?

I feel like it's MarkiplierxJacksepticeye all over again, starts out innocent and turns uncomfortable.

(Also I think real people shipping is gross in general)

2. Dream smp makes me so nervous, not necessarily because of any of the members but due to (1) the history of online teams dominated (and lead) by male influencers, (2) minecraft youtube's general history of exploiting fans. I feel like it's going to end badly. You seem to be enjoying it tho, and it's definitely up my alley, should I get into it?

1. Corpse and Sykkuno are not comfortable being shipped! Neither of them are okay with being shipped with ANY of their friends in general, so like, don’t do it, or if u do like. i guess just don’t say anything about it? it’s really not hard to just enjoy their friendship. like it’s an endearing friendship n there’s nothing wrong w liking it. but. nothing more u know. plus both of them have made it clear on several occasions that they’re both straight and my gaydar agrees JFKDKDK like they’re just. Friends. Who care about each other :)

I definitely think it’s not like the markiplier x jacksepticeye situation, because for one u have jack himself telling people not to ship etc etc and also BECAUSE of that u have people actively policing any form of shipping. it’s honestly gotten to the point where it’s annoying but i genuinely don’t think it’s that big a problem, plus the rising popularity of the amigops puts less pressure on one-on-one corpse + sykkuno interactions, since people now wanna see all four of them play games together n not just corpse n sykkuno!

2. I get why Dream SMP would make u nervous. An interesting thing I realized when I started finding out more about people on that server is that there’s marginally more poc on it than I previously thought and also A LOTTTTT more lgbt+ people than i previously thought. Like genuinely why are so many of u so gay. And like that affects the stories being told obviously. Like. I don’t think it’s perfect n I don’t follow EVERY person on the SMP, just like i obviously don’t know everything about every minecraft YouTuber like fkdkdkdk i would say the only people i watch are dream, george, quackity (and even then i haven’t seen most of quackity’s YouTube videos) and like I’ve seen a couple of tommyinnit’s videos Fjdjdjdj and sapnap obviously but he has like 10 videos and i watch Karl’s streams if certain people are on it. yeah i think that’s about it like i do like the feral boys (dream george karl quackity sapnap) and i have seen maybe one or two skeppy videos

Anyway I get ur concerns about online circles dominated by male influencers too. but quite frankly compared to past circles ive seen its genuinely not that bad and also. In terms of holding them accountable, I think mcyttwt makes VERY sure of that (which honestly has devolved into a problem. because privileged haters will dig up stuff on creators that either a. has been addressed properly or b. is just. several years old and i don’t like how minorities are being weaponized. also i cannot stress how little i care that some minecraft YouTuber said the r slur 10 years ago when they literally never do it now. like. i worry so much because so many of these stans who think they’re ‘educating’ are just wearing themselves out n burning themselves out. so many of them are minors too)

but like. the people i am kept up w definitely do take responsibility and accountability. like dream especially gets accused of stuff that’s either fake/not him or something that’s just like out of this world (e.g. accused of queerbaiting. w george. interestingly no one ever accuses george directly of doing this) and no matter what he like addresses it properly and accordingly. like looking at his journey as a creator over the past year he’s grown a LOT and changed so much and matured a lot and i think like. looking at how much he’s blowing up and how much more of a following he’ll gain. I feel much better that it’s him who has this following as compared to. Certain people. And like. It’s upsetting to see how a lot of people have this impression of him that’s objectively false? Due to all the fake stuff that gets spread by haters (most often white for some reason???)? Because genuinely he’s not the creator we need to be so worried about?

Anyway in terms of getting into mcyts in the dream smp. I knew who Dream was because he’s played among us w the amigops a lot n they all like him because he’s just a good natured amicable person. I vaguely knew who george was because of dnf n also people putting his stupid face on my tl all the time. I thought he was pretty n hated that I thought that. I don’t care anymore tho. Like what’s wrong w looking at pretty people. I deserve it. Anyway! I got into their videos through GEORGE first, funnily. I think Minecraft, But I’m Not Colorblind Anymore was the first one I watched and it’s very very good. It’s endearing because it’s George trying out colorblind glasses for the first time n he’s nervous but Dream is there with him to make him feel more comfortable. And also Dream is so happy n emotional (he talks about tearing up at the thought of George being able to see colors properly) and their friendship is just very endearing. The video starts w george taking a colorblind test and we find out he has protan colorblindness (severity: STRONG which makes them crack jokes about how George is SO strong 😤)

anyway these losers. Decide to test the colorblind glasses on colors in MINECRAFT because of course that’s the whole video and it’s really heartwarming to see George learn how colors look like again n Dream just being excited about it the whole time n then George taking the colorblind test again at the end but with the glasses on... n then u go on to watch more george videos but it’s the ANIMAL CHALLENGES. like George Speedruns Minecraft But His Friend Is (Insert Animal, This Animal Is Always Dream) and like...... yeah so I watched a bunch of George’s videos n I went onto dream’s channel out of curiosity

And i was like. What the fuck. These videos are so WEIRDLY named. What the fuck is Finale, Finale Rematch, Grand Finale???? But dream has adhd too and in hindsight I absolutely would’ve titled the videos in a similarly confusing way. Anyway dreams manhunt videos are...... a work of art. I swear to god like even if u don’t know jackshit about minecraft they are very entertaining and weirdly impressive.

Basically in Minecraft Manhunt: Dream has to beat the game, but his friends are there trying to kill him. If they kill him even ONCE, they win n the video ends. He’s allowed to kill them repeatedly though. Manhunt started with one hunter (George, to one’s surprise), then two hunters (Sapnap and George), three (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo), and now four (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo, Antfrost). The next stage is possibly 5 hunters but idk who is the fifth yet. Anyway the thing that’s so entertaining about minecraft manhunt is:

1) Dream’s Parkour & PVP skills, which he developed and trained over such a short period of time n got REALLY good, it’s satisfying to watch him do risky maneuvers n succeed, the ways he’ll jump from a high place but clutch w either water, blocks, horses, boats, scaffolding, etc, to escape from the hunters

2) Dream’s TRAPS, like he actually does research for possible plans n traps he could do to counter the hunters, since there’s so many of them and only one of him, and he can’t just fight them in combat exclusively, since he’ll lose eventually if he gets ganged up on. I won’t spoil any of his traps, but they’re very good and also very dramatic. It’s amazing

3) The banter and taunting!! The lies and tricks!! They’re all really close so it’s easy for them to crack jokes during a lull where neither party is engaged in a fight, they’re all on the same VC so they can potentially say stuff to trick each other, or they can hear the other team say stuff that gives them an edge

4) The editing. Like the pacing is incredible, and all the bgm used is SO good at setting the atmosphere n making things more tense n exciting etc. like “dream’s manhunt music” is honestly a meme at this point but he actually unironically uses it and it unironically makes the videos better. Also dream edits all the manhunt videos by himself!! he doesn’t hire editors to do it for him or anything

idk what else to say but yeah I watch most of dream n george’s YouTube videos and they’re in most of each other’s videos and I like their dynamic a lot!! Especially since they still have not met in real life but already know they want to like live together (forever, according to George), and it like reminds me of the friendships I have because most of my close friendships have been made online. And like. They remind me that online friendships aren’t actually inferior. That’s it :) sorry this is so long

[arcadialedger]

How Catra and Zuko have been saving me lately: A (sort of) meta

A very long, personal post under the cut. This is really important to me, and I could really use some support, so if you could take the time to read and reblog that would be greatly appreciated. I just want to reach out.

Once again, please PLEASE read. I really need help.

Recently, I’ve found myself desperately latching onto the characters of Zuko and Catra, as many have in the past. To put it simply, I’m in one of the most difficult times of my life right now.

I’m transferring colleges because I was doxed by an online hate mob (long story) , and in general because I just didn’t belong at my old school. I went to three different high schools, moved around a whole bunch, and I don’t really belong anywhere. All of my friends are far away, my parents are busy working and I’m alone.

I just feel like I’m wandering aimlessly in darkness, unloved and unsure where to go. I’m faced with making a huge decision about my future with this transfer, and I’m terrified. Terrified I won’t make the right choice, and terrified it won’t be the newfound happiness I so desperately need it to be. But most of all, I’m terrified of being unwanted and alone again, wherever I go.

I’m used to not being wanted. I’m 4’10, not thin, and have been tossed aside because of my appearance my entire life. I’m 20 years old and haven’t been kissed (how pathetic is that). I moved schools and stayed in my room depressed because I never got to lay down roots and establish a foundation. Hell, I never even got to live as a teenager. I’m just behind and broken.

I was hoping Tumblr would be my place, where I could write and analyze and showcase my talents. Be wanted for once. For a while, it looked like it might be. Then a friend blocked me and made a callout post, due to me having a different opinion on a sensitive matter, and a domino effect began. I lost more friends and half of the fandom we’re both in blocked me seemingly at their word. I had featured this friend on an episode of my podcast at, had many fond memories chatting with them, and even bought a zine to support them. The loss hurt, and I was cut off from one of the few things I had. It was all taken away from me. My growth halted as I dealt with months of online abuse: including death threats, suicide baiting (these people knowing I’ve struggled with being suicidal), aphobic slurs (knowing I’m ace), mocking and editing images of my face. My Twitter was hacked, I lost podcast deals with creatives who my friends who blocked me and started all of this went on to interview because of said hacking, and I was threatened to be doxed. I suffered blow after blow while the people who hurt me grew and were rewarded, allowed a place here, and this continues to this day. The damage remains. I have to self reblog a whole bunch to get my content remotely seen in the algorithm.

Because my entire life, it feels I’ve never been allowed a win. I’ve never been allowed to have and keep anything good. I’m short and ugly, talentless with nothing to give to the world, my family has no money so I haven’t gotten to travel or experience a lot of things. I’ve spent my entire life envious of the “hot skinny girls” who’ve been wanted and dating since high school, who live in McMansions and get to go on vacations.

When I work to make good content on Tumblr and build a following talking about what I’m passionate about? It’s taken from me. When I work hard to get into my old college’s honors program and earn a trip to Greece which I could otherwise never afford, a global pandemic comes along and makes sure I don’t get that kind of positive experience in life.

I’m used to it all, being worn down and unwanted and losing. I’ve gone my entire life behind, lesser, and not enough.

And that’s why I’m so scared. I have a big decision to make, I’m at my own crossroads, and I desperately need all of this to come together for me this year. I’ve gone so long without happiness and love. I need this to be the light at the end of the tunnel, newfound happiness. I need to find newfound happiness. All I want is to escape the darkness, find peace of mind and function day to day doing the things I love without being stressed.

So when I see Zuko— so angry at the world for being given the short stick, abused, and never making things easy, and Catra— driven mad by comparison and feeling as though the world takes away everything from her? Gosh, I feel it so hard.

Because that’s just what I do. I get angry at the world for making things so hard for me. I compare. I feel like the world just takes and takes and never gives me a win. And so I’m never happy. I feel their pain and loneliness so deeply, and I’m terrified that I’m the villain because of it. I cry at the anguish and self loathing in their eyes because I have been there. I AM there. 

Like Zuko comparing to Azula, I feel lesser because the world has constantly told me I am so. I feel cheated and given the short end of the stick, as though life has it out for me. I get angry and lash out from my pain.I’m desperate for validation from people who can never give it to me. I’m so scarred from my past, I can’t believe I have a future. 

Like Catra, I’m always left behind. I’m lonely and driven mad by the unfairness of the world. It takes and takes until I’ve lost it all, but it never gives. I’m so afraid of losing anyone and anything else, I refuse to let anyone in. Because why would I deserve love? There’s nobody who wants me, no purpose for me on this world. I’m nothing, just constantly chasing an impossible goal of perfection to justify my existence. 

“You drive them away, wildcat”

Yeah, I know their hurt. I know what it all feels like. To be that broken, that insecure, that left behind and unwanted. The punching bag of fate. These characters suffering is so much of my own.

And that’s why they’re the only thing to give me hope.

Seeing them be where I am now, and where they end up, I allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, that can be my future. That I’ll get a happy ending. It gives me the courage to believe that what I’m so desperately striving for can happen. 

Zuko standing up to his father and forging his own path in life, which leads him to a better place as he finds his destiny and happiness after so many years of torment. We both have scars-- if he can overcome his, why can’t I?

Catra, after so many years of struggle, taking agency over her life back from those to abused her, and finally learning to accept the love of those around her. Opening up to pain and rejection and ultimately being forgiven. Catra felt so lonely, unable to see the love around her-- maybe I’ve been doing the same thing. Maybe I’ll find the strength to take my life into my own hands and find my own love.

It’s so empowering, a flicker of light in what feels like eternal darkness. I am so worn out and broken. I’ve never had love, or learned to love myself. In the real world, it is find to find hope.

It is only in these characters, who have felt my pain and found their way to a better place, that I find comfort.

I am one of so many who have been touched by these characters arcs, and they are one of the purest examples of why stories are important. Why the emotions narrative can evoke are important. It is not only escapism, it opens up a door to critical self introspection that can make a real difference in our lives. It holds up a black mirror of our lives, providing an outside view of our deepest, darkest emotions and struggles which can be so hard to understand when they’re inside. 

These characters, and their stories: insecurity, abuse, doubt, comparison, chasing validation, just wanting to find your purpose in life and happiness-- they are the stories of life, stripped down to it’s rawest emotions. 

There is power in redemption. There is power in rising from the bottom. 

As I said in my last post about Catra and Zuko:

“Their stories: being angry at the world, driven mad by comparison and a need for validation, making wrong choices, processing trauma, needing help but being too scared to open up and accept it, feeling as though they don’t deserve love or forgiveness, fighting to restore and maintain valued relationships, convincing themselves they’ve lost it all, feeling conflicted or confused, realizing what they thought they wanted isn’t fulfilling and hasn’t brought happiness, escaping years of mental conditioning which told them they were worthless, not seeing the love they have right before them, constantly fighting uphill for a life which seems to throw everything it can at them… Well, isn’t that just the most human story of all? And so their redemptions give us hope.”

I have been so lost and lonely for so long, and now I’m at a crossroads. I’m so scared to believe that this change, this new path, can lead to a better place, but these characters? They give me strength to. They give me faith.

This has been a rambling post of feelings, and I am thankful to anyone who has read this far. I’m just so tired of feeling this way, and needed to reach out and share this. If you are also feeling this way, know you are not alone. You are so very far from alone.

I just really don’t want to feel unwanted and unloved, like I don’t belong, anymore. I want to have a place here. I probably sound desperate because I feel that way. I don’t know how else to cry out for help other than sharing this.

 If anyone wants to message or send asks about this, please feel free to do so. I want, and very much need, to talk. 

[malleux]

U don’t have to answer this if u don’t want to, but can I ask why the server was toxic? U don’t have to go into detail but u seem so chill with everything it’s weird to see you talk about an actual bad experience and talk about how it affected you

TW// suicide mention, death mention, toxic environments

idk it’s a lot and i certainly won’t go into detail because i am still in contact my closest friend, who was there with me, and they definitely had a worse experience than i did with it and the last thing i want to do is trigger or upset them with past things!

but, for me it was mostly emotionally exhausting. i was young, like 16, and joined someone’s server for fun and because i had a lot of influence in the fe3h community at the time, was instantly offered a mod position and then eventually became sole owner. it grew and grew and eventually, i was trying to mod a server of probably about 150 people by myself.

i couldn’t handle it well and had my close friend become an owner with me. strict rules were put down and most people followed them well and were very great, but there were of course a few odd ones out with the emotional maturity of a cucumber. very “oh woe is me, im the worst person in the world i should die” type of manipulative people and if you know me, i don’t stand for that kind of stuff.

minors and adults were allowed to interact in the server on certain terms, while they also had their own private channels for just adults and just minors for those who weren’t comfortable talking to the other. overall, i believe my friend and i owned and modded it quite well, but one rotten apple always ruins the whole bunch and eventually, i just broke. i couldn’t deal with it anymore and left, leaving my friend to own it. i still helped in the background, talking to them and checking up, but eventually they left as well.

we won’t talk about the server with each other, it’s in the past. it brings up bad feelings and bad memories and stressful times. i had to deal with a minor threatening suicide in our server while in the hospital with my grandmother, who was on her deathbed and died several hours later. i hope whoever that minor was is doing okay, and i apologize for banning them from the server, but that is just not appropriate especially after resources were given and help was offered. i hope they are okay.

i don’t get close to people online, i don’t do huge public things. i never thought i’d have nearly 6k on this writing account right now, and it doesn’t feel like i do because i kept my presence very small and stayed apart from the genshin community and while i’m mutuals with many well known writers, i just can’t get myself out there like that anymore. i struggle to trust that i won’t be manipulated again. my words could be vastly interpreted and i could become the bad guy again, like i was over and over and over because i couldn’t serve everyone there the way they wanted. i rarely join servers, because i am often expected to mod despite me turning down the offers.

bad times, but it made me, me and i’ve grown a lot in person and online. don’t trust everyone you meet on the internet, and don’t be afraid to make cuts and boundaries against people who continue to wear you down. i’m chill with everyone and i will always, always, always try to be nice to people. i’m often called rude or a bitch or such, but it is not unkind to be firm in your boundaries. it is not bitchy to keep walls up against strangers who aren’t entitled to your real-life time or worries. do and act how you need to in order to preserve yourself, your health, and your mental state

would i make another server one day? maybe. i love talking to people and i loved the community i had before it went to shit. i just don’t know if i could handle it if what happened there happened again

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

chloe in my adrininogami roommates au

under the cut bc its a little long (1500 words of notes about chloe in this au)

ADRININOGAMI ROOMATES AU RECAP: its not really an au its just a timejump, Adrien Nino and Kagami are all like 18-19 and roommates, hawkmoth is still out there and lb and cn still dont know each others’ identities, Nino and Kagami know each others’ secret identities but don’t know Adrien’s and he doesn’t know theirs, Nino is at university while Adrien and Kagami are just taking a gap year and working minimum wage jobs and honestly they are all thriving and bffs

Chloe is a music major

At the same university as Nino

i have very little knowledge of the universities of Paris so this is going to be partially based on the American system, im sorry but youre going to have to suspend your disbelief real quick

so the university has a rule where first year students have to live on campus in the dorms

Nino escaped this rule because he is a goshdarn music nerd and quest for knowlege cannot be stopped

There wasn’t even an AP Music Theory class at his high school when he started there but he was like “whats up guys i have self-confidence now and i think it would be pretty nifty if we had this class” and then talked to teachers and convinced a bunch of his friends to sign up for it so now its a class

And thats the only AP Music class and he still wanted to learn,,, so he just,,, started taking online college courses,,, in music theory,,, for fun,,,, the absolute nerd <3

he will ramble excitedly about music history to anyone who will listen and you cant even be upset bc he is so energetic about this

All of this is to say that, by the time he graduated high school, he had already completed a bunch of college classes, so he got to enter university as a sophomore, which is how he is living off campus with adrien and kagami

Chloe, however, is a freshman, so shes gotta live on campus in the freshman dorms and have a roommate

her roommate, by the way, is Juleka

Chloe has calmed down significantly by this time and sucks a lot less. She and Juleka are not friends by any account, but basically, when they were signing up for roommates, they were both like “whelp this is better than rooming with a total stranger, i wont talk to you or bother you if you dont talk to me”

chloe and juleka have not actually spoken to each other since school started,, they pretty much stay out of the dorm room unless they are sleeping and then they stay on their side of the room and do not make eye contact and dont touch each others stuff

and chloe is totally fine with this

just kidding, hahaha, she is sad and lonely and wants to make friends but is terrible at it,,, her models for friendship include Adrien who she knows she messed up with completely and the best thing she can do now for their relationship is avoid him so she doesnt mess it up more,, and Sabrina, who is also refusing to speak to her now and basically taught chloe that the way to do friendship is to like? do their homework or something??

(juleka is vibing and living her best life btw, shes just also an introvert and only goes to the dorm when she is tired and needs to refresh and also chloe is the one acting like they shouldnt talk)

SO,,, chloe is a music major bc she thinks its pretty nifty and fun and also because she is trying to avoid anything to do with her parents,,, she has reached the point where like “be a dissapointment to my parents” is like,, her life goal,,, which is kinda a “good for her” situation and kinda a “holy heck plz get her some therapy situation”

wow we’ve got a bunch of backstory but we are finally to the point of this post

Chloe has several classes with Nino and she keeps accidentally flocking to him because she already knows him from high school and he has such good vibes

Nino is kind of just trying to avoid her,, he doesnt HATE her,, but,, it is chloe,, yknow

but then they get paired up for a group project and the group meets at nino’s apartment, and adrien is not in the building whenever chloe is there, on purpose,, they will be friends again eventually but their friendship is taking a little bit of a break and adrien is still learning how to have boundaries so he’s just doing what’s best for his mental health

chloe is totally fine with this and doesnt miss him at all

just kidding she is lying

BUT

you know who IS just chilling in the apartment while chloe is there

kagami

who is now like 19 and having some actual self confidence and happiness and who is chilling in her apartment with nino, one of her best friends

and chloe gets through the first group meetup at nino’s house and doesn’t spent any time just staring at kagami who’s chilling reading books in the corner (yes she does)

chloe is actually trying her hardest to be nice to the group members and make friends and prove that she can be a good person and a hard worker but she has very little social skills or work ethics skills and is having complicated emotions about adrien and hasnt even realized it yet but she is falling HARD for kagami,

all that is to say that chloe is a little bit distracted from the group project

but anyway they meet up again and this time chloe has done a ton of research and prep beforehand bc she doesnt want 2 be caught offguard made to look like a fool again and everyone is like what the heck, since when does she study things?

and anyway the project goes pretty great

but then

chloe has a goshdarn crying breakdown

because she is experiencing too many emotions all at once

the combination of just,,, university coursework is stressful and living without servants for the very first time in her life and parental issues and not having friends and also literally everything is just aaaa

so she starts crying in her dorm while doing homework while juleka is there but she literally forgets that juleka is there bc juleka is kind of a cryptid

and juleka just kinda stares at her for a minute and then is like “u good”

and chloe tries to pretend shes not startled and is like “haha yeah its fine”

and juleka is like “have u considered getting a tutor”

and chloe, who is stupid, is like “hmm i should ask nino to tutor me but only at his place and only when kagami is home and i should make sure that i look super cute and i need to study beforehand so that i look cool and smart in front of kagami,, i mean,, for no reason at all i just think this is a good idea”

she talks to nino and nino is like “ok i guess i can help tutor you but u have to actually make an effort and also stick to a schedule so youre not there when adriens there bc we are respecting his boundaries and also you need to-”

and chloe is like “great perfect done”

and then she actually does everything nino says

so basically

she ends up passing all of her classes and making friends

literally just because she is too stupid to actually try to talk to kagami

they literally do not have any conversations other than like “hey, whats up?” “nothing much lol” for like,,, an entire year

also chloe does not admit to herself that she has a crush on kagami for that entire time either

meanwhile adrien and nino and kagami are all a little confused bc chloe keeps flirting at nino??? and adrien is like “im pretty sure she likes girls but idk???” and nino keeps being like “hey chloe what’s up, i just got back from hanging out with my amazing girlfriend alya who i am very in love with,, and who is my girlfriend,, who i am dating”

and chloe has literally no idea why he is doing this but continues to flirt at him and subconciously hope that kagami will catch some of her flirting vibes and falls in love with her

so basically

they are all stupid

BUT Chloe and Nino do become actual friends and chloe actually respects him for the amazing wonderful smart talented kind person that he is and he helps her make some new friends and they get to the point where they are a super great study group and she’ll listen to all his homework assignments and proofread some of them when its like finals cramming time and they are supporting each other and their friendship is good