#i am just letting my brain freely think about all the possibilities

[wordsinhaled]

Restaurant owner/chef Charles / Food critic Edwin AU!!!

So, I just thought of this AU and I am so jazzed about it that I need to drop this idea somewhere so it can become a 100k fic I can devour in one sitting asdfhfhfhf

In an ideal world I’d want to offer the floor to someone Desi to run with this idea, or to collab with me on it because I want to do Charles' food and culture and relationship with his mum justice. I’ve only been adjacent to the restaurant business (my family ran a small café for a bit and I worked there, and I have a family member who did culinary school, so).

I just know that this idea has Arrived in my brain and I can’t just let it sit in there unattended, asdjfjfjf

I'm tagging @nix-nihili and @queen-of-hobgobblers 'cause I feel like this will be up your street???

Okay - so Charles and his mum own a small Indian restaurant. It’s a family business and his parents ran it together ("together") before. Charles’ father was incredibly controlling about the menu, their community partners and suppliers, as well as pretty much every other aspect of the business (and their lives, behind the scenes). Now Charles’ father is out of the picture—I'm undecided how this happens, but I just think Charles deserves to live an unfettered life without Mr. Rowland hurting him anymore, tbh.

He gets to rediscover the joy of cooking together with his mum, cooking as freely as he wants and not being held back by his dad's expectations, refreshing the restaurant's menu to feature more authentic versions of the dishes, making connections with new suppliers, redoing the accounting to pay everybody a living wage... Just generally, like, revamping the entire restaurant to be a more joyful place to be that celebrates delicious food and companionship as a form of connection and sharing. Edwin is a food critic who goes to the grand reopening of the restaurant. Edwin likes to write about and document food. He enjoys experiencing a restaurant and its food possibly even more than the tasting of it. He presents like the uptight, exacting sort of food critic restaurants are intimidated by, with his many layers and his bow tie and his posture and his perfect hair, his little notebook and his vintage pocket pen. But inside he just wants to be able to feel some sort of a connection: with the chef through the food (What is the dish trying to tell him?); with the other person at the table—if there is another person, which is so rare.

Family mealtimes for Edwin growing up were distant affairs, overly formal and stilted and coded, minefields for being scrutinized and speaking and acting in only the most acceptable ways; not places to be honest or genuine or to let one's guard down. Certainly not occasions to experience genuine enjoyment. He wants to believe that food, which is so vital to life, and the preparing and the sharing of it, can be different. Positive. Joyous.

Charles gives Edwin a tour of the restaurant when he arrives. Charles is not like a lot of other restaurant owners Edwin has met. He introduces Edwin to his mum and the way he looks at her makes a pang go through Edwin's chest because clearly, they love each other so much, and Edwin may have never had that but just looking at it heals something in him. He's not getting invested, though. (Right?)

Charles' enthusiasm is like, off the charts. He's practically vibrating, to the point where excitement tips over into anxiety, clearly trying to keep it toned down and failing. And Charles is like, "I'm sorry. Just a bit nervous, yeah? I really care about this place. I need it to—I mean. I really want it to do well."

Edwin's heart goes out to him. "Do not worry," he says, softly. "I am not here to hurt you." He doesn't know why he says it but all the tension goes out of Charles, the slightly frantic look goes out of his eyes, and he gives Edwin the brightest smile he thinks he's ever seen. It's a gorgeous smile. Relieved, and carefree, and warm like sunshine.

"D'you want to try some food?" He says it almost conspiratorially, as though this is not Edwin's primary and entire purpose in being here.

Edwin looks around the quiet, empty restaurant. It's cozy and warm with mid-afternoon sunlight streaming in through the windows at the front. Even without any patrons, without the din or bustle of a full dining room, it seems to beckon to foster shared happiness within it. "I was under the impression that I would be partaking of your dinner service this evening," he says delicately, trying to hide that he might actually want nothing better than to never leave here at all, let alone try some food.

"Well, yeah," Charles says, "'course you are. But this is different, innit? Not for the article. Come on, let me cook for you. You look like..." He stops. Perhaps considering if he's about to say too much. His eyes are bright and thoughtful and fixed on Edwin so intently that Edwin doesn't breathe for a moment. "You look like no one's cooked for you in ages." It comes out soft, but firm; as though he knows what he's talking about. Edwin feels like the wind has been knocked out of him.

"No one has ever cooked for me," says Edwin matter-of-factly.

He has no idea what it is about Charles that makes him admit something so honest—although it is not entirely accurate. His family had had a personal chef. Technically speaking, all of Edwin's meals had been cooked for him, until much to his parents' chagrin he went off to a student flat, and culinary school, and began to cook them for himself. But he suspects that no one has ever cooked for him, the way Charles Rowland is offering to now. Properly. Like it means something. Like he is trying to say something through it; unspoken words that Edwin has always wanted to hear.

Let me know you. Let me connect with you. Let me take care of you.

Charles' eyes widen. Clearly, he is trying to process Edwin's bleak admission. "Right," he says, after a beat, as his posture gains something determined; his grin bright and charming. "That settles it, then. I know exactly what I'm going to make you."

And before Edwin can say anything else, he's taking Edwin's hand in his and tugging him towards the kitchen.

[do-you-have-a-flag]

sorry to come back to this but this truly fascinates and concerns me for so many reasons

obligatory "Ah sweet. Man-made horrors beyond my comprehension." comment

so first of all: brain organoids. which are grown from human stem cells into just little brains with underdeveloped eyes, they have a lifespan of about 100 days because they are an organ without a system.

these brain organoids are something that have a lot of potential when it comes to studying any number of things. just off the top of my head i would think- the process of human development, disease studies, healing tissue development, foetal and premature development of consciousness, ect ect ect i'm not informed on this type of research so i will freely admit idk.

and they are using 16 at a time as processors with computer chips. okay sure, scifi aside, the structure of an organ being used for it's complexity compared to the limitations of material and efficiency in current technology makes sense. if it helps imagine if a branch or a kidney were hooked up to a computer chip and we found out that it worked as good or better than mechanical processors for a fraction of the energy use. i am also not informed on how most technology works, please keep in mind, but i am also not opposed to the idea of combining these types of technologies in theory. and the biggest downfall currently is short shelf-life of the organoids required.

but the thing is, i think, that this is specifically an early development of a brain, at what point is consciousness defined? there is no sensory system beyond the basic light perception of the eyes and the input to the brain but at what point is the responses automatic and at what point is it complex enough to be aware in some abstract way. this question is one that can be applied to any form of animal of course.... but i think also that it is strange that these organoids are being specifically developed from human stem cells and not any number of other animal as a brain is a brain and at the small scale they are growing these organoids most of the speculative benefits of human logic are irrelevant- they are operating at pre mature infant levels which could just as easily be achieved by any number of apes cells surely?

is there going to be a developmental cut off for these organoids? at what point of biological development is the ethical ick factor for consciousness? because of how stem cells are able to be harvested in a non destructive fashion things like lab grown meat make sense to me- those are consumed but can also offset the requirements for the meat industry- and if these organoids are also grown from stem cells that's great but at what point is making that many to be burnt through as processors a wasteful use when there are other possible avenues of study? the wide commercial release of such experimental tech seems a little risky considering how quickly new technologies are exploited- just look at bitcoin farms and ai scraping- for the sake of profit with no care for ethical implementation or construction or impact.

this is a weird post from me but sorry i just have some questions i want you the person reading this to think about with me, seperate to any deep reading of the science because i wanna focus on the personal reaction to the concepts, (feel free to read the science tho i encourage it) just something to chew on i'm not expecting any philosophically concrete answers:

would you use the brain organoid processor tech if you had the chance?

why?

Why is it important that these have to be grown from human stem cells

where is the line between organ and being/consciousness

let's contend: there is the world (physical) and there is the senses (contact with the physical) and there is the experience (interpretation)

is it the senses or the experience that makes a creature conscious? how complex do the senses need to be before the experience is positive or negative?

where is that experiencial definition? is it as simple as feels good feels bad?

is it the tendency to circulate repeatedly on the same neural pathway? how are those neurological reactions controlled? are they controlled?

how do you feel about scientific testing on humans?

how do you feel about scientific testing on animals?

how do you feel about scientific testing on plants?

how do you feel about scientific testing on fungi?

how do you feel about scientific testing on single celled organisms?

how do you feel about scientific testing on organs?

how do you feel about scientific testing on technology?

what do you consider the line to be for ethical research? is it funding? is it theory versus practice? is it use of information? is it method of data collection? is it intent? is it implementation? is it within a limitation of precedent? is it within a limitation of subject? are there areas you think should be left alone on principle? why?

what level of complexity is required for the question of consent of participant?

where should limitations be imposed on use? why would limitations be necessary? who has the right to information? who has the right to profit?

Who is profiting from these studies? where will this technology be used? who is competing with this technology? what other technologies might this impact? will other technologies using the same concept adhere to the same limitations/ethics?

do you think everyone using the brain organoid based processors for $500pcm are thinking about these questions? should they have to?

disclaimer: i am uneducated and uninformed in the fields of science and technology so this is one hundo percent a personal response to information i have very little context for. But i also think it's important to think actively about technology and avoid complacency about the way it impacts our lives so doing little thought exercises in response to articles like this is, I think, a good thing.

[ego-meliorem-esse]

Could you talk a bit about Matthew and Alfred relationship? Our boys need love too

The lads! The fellas! The absolute units!

Bear with me here I wanna give a little bit of a context and a personal explanation as to why I'm really fascinated with these two countries in general.

If there is one nationfolk relationship that comes as close to pure and friendly as it possibly can, it would be the Us-Can one. Of course, it has major problems and unavoidable disputes. But let me tell you, as a balkan, ex-yugoslav cretin, I cannot help but be intriqued with the way these two comunicate. They make fun of eachother sure, they have disputes and squables, sometimes outright clashes, but when there is crisis in the US for example, all I hear is Americans straight up saying "ok well time to move to Canada". It's fascinating to me! As a Croat who, after returning from Serbia from a 3 day trip, brought home souveniers (key chains mostly, with the Serbian flag) I was yelled at by my dad who afterwards didn't talk to me for a few days. All because I dared to bring this enemy countrys flag into our home. Now, I was born in 1999. I have no connection to the war 8 years prior. No excusable, personal vandetta. But still it' s very much acceptable to hate so strongly. And even if it wasn't 8 years that passed, but 80, there still would be a widely accepted resentment. But alas, I am not talking about people, cus frankly people are just people. Alliances and relations between countries are another thing. Imagine sharing a huge fucken border with another country and being friends. My euro brain is imploding. Uncomprehensible.

Now I do understand the US is often described as a bit of a phycho, and frankly Canada is an expert at dealing with the phycho. Kudos. Keep the yanks from whipping out their home protection assault rifles and unleashing hell fire is risky shit. Canada manages tho. What I'm really interested in is the USA's view of Canada. They aren't a threat. They aren't suspicious. They are a force to be reckoned with tho, but they are friends. If there is one ally the USA can rely on its the maple sucking french/anglo bastards up north. So much history in such a short time. Fascinating.

To relate this to the bros, I think these two understand eachother better than most. Matt is quiet, obsetvand and passive (mostly), while his unit of a brother is loud, idealistic and prone to thinking the world owes him time on the world stage. And it works. Matt is the one to talk to his brother in a way that gets Alfred to listen. H speaks Alfreds language and can communicate with him freely. I think that that is a skill and in the modern era, a privilage that not many have. Not many dare to tell Alfred to his face that he fucked up majorly, but Matt can. He knows he can. Alfred knows he can. So he does. Matt can pull his brother aside after an outburst, and for the lack of a better word, humble him.

Alfred respects his brothers oppinion more then other nations'. He went from seeing Matt as a weak, self-pitying and ambitionless dominion, to accepting his views, ideas and even asking his oppinion on certain matters. I like to draw a parallel here. Matt had to sacrifice everything and himself to have Arthur call him into the war room and ask Matthew for his oppinion. Alfred is not much different. It takes time for Matthews voice to be heard, but when the time comes, it's desperately needed.

Alfred tho, is and always will be Alfred. And if somthing else catches his attention, he will ignore the house on fire across the street. He is prone to isolation and ignoring his brother for extended periods of time, just sending him a tiktok every month or so. That being the only indication to Matt that his brother is alive. Alfred has so much shit going on and his 13 braincells have to spread evenly across to cover it all. His brother is a constant in his life, stable and therefore forgotten.

That being said, I don't think there is another person on Earth Alfred loves more than his brother. Showing it is not something he ever learned tho. He knows he cannot buy his way into showing his love for Matt, so with his lack skills of other forms of love expressions, he does nothing.

As for Matt, he checks up on Alfred as much as he can. His history and past have tought him to expect nothing form the people he loves. So he doesn't. He knows Alfred is his closest ally and best friend, but doesn't ask for anything Alfred himself isn't giving. He is a person who waits to be asked to hang out on Saturday instead of asking his friends himself.

So while almost all I talked about is sad and somewhat negative, I do think the bond and conversations these two share are one of the most honest and true expressions of brotherly love. And by god I usually don't use the world love when describing nation-folk relationships, but in this case there isn't a replacement.

sorry for the personal shit and Alfred slander, I love him.

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Okay, a good amount of time has passed, and after having seen this post by @weretiger-be-my-horse , I've been turning it over and over in my brain going absolutely feral over this concept. I need to expand upon my thoughts on this idea and all the evidence there is pointing towards it, whether that be actual tangible things, or purely strong vibes I have.

First of all, full disclaimer: I did not like the season 5 finale, and how it wrapped up the DoA arc. To say that I "disliked" it is putting it extremely lightly, in fact -- I absolutely hated it, and I am still, to a degree, in disbelief that I actually even watched those 24 minutes with my own two eyes, and that it somehow wasn't a complete fever dream. While I'm not going to go in long-winded detail into all the ways that I feel like the finale almost completely bastardized all of its featured characters and destroyed any and all buildup we've had going on in this arc for 50 some chapters now, because that's not the main point of this post, I will not make any attempt to hide the fact that the theory-crafting I'm about to pose here is partly influenced and prompted by how much I hated the finale, and how much I desperately hope that it will not end up being manga canon. Therefore, if you enjoyed the finale — and that's fine! — and don't want to read any negativity about it, then I would not recommend reading any further (I mean, you've probably already left by this point, which is fair lol), While obviously it's important that I be as objective and unbiased as possible when explaining my thoughts, some of my negative feelings about the writing will be a part of this analysis, even if this isn't going to be a full-blown rant. Just know that if you proceed.

With that out of the way, let me continue.

So. In the aforementioned post, the theory presented is that the anime may be operating on an alternate timeline, and that this will become evident once we read the upcoming October chapter, wherein things will go completely differently post-chapter 110 than they do in the final episode — probably for the worse, with the s5 finale intending to lull us into a false sense of security and make us assume that everything in the manga arc finale will wrap up as smoothly and consequence-freely(? lol) as it did in the anime one. It also suggests that the Fukuchi we see at the very end that sskk are fighting came from the manga timeline, where he won, and that he used the Book to jump to a timeline where he lost, the anime one, proven by the fact that this Fukuchi is wearing a mask with the same design on it as the mask Fukuchi is wearing on the chapter 110 DoA color spread/title page.

First of all, I want to note the fact that it's not just the mask design that's the same: the entire outfit is roughly more or less the same as well. It's not completely 1-to-1, because the anime can never fully match the intricacies of Harukawa's beautiful outfit designs, and the Fukuchi in this scene has the kimono half-off because of the... super saiyan mode he's in, but most all of the main pieces of clothing are there. Any small inaccuracies could also be attributed to the fact that Harukawa probably didn't have this finalized art ready back when this episode was being made, so the animators wouldn't have had the complete design to work off of. But in general, because it's all so similar, I think we can quite confidently say that the ending episode Fukuchi is meant to be the one from this manga art.

Also, people have pointed this out, but it's worth mentioning that the mask Asagiri wore at Anime Expo in July was referencing this Fukuchi. It's not a crucial detail, but it just proves more that Asagiri is a gigantic fucking troll, and that he clearly wanted to draw attention to this Fukuchi design. It's important. He describes the mask here as made in the motif of an ellipses inside a speech bubble... could that perhaps be referencing meta aspects, like the Book?

Next, I want to talk about the even bigger elephant in the room, which to me is the most damning and undeniable piece of evidence there is of the anime operating on a completely separate timeline from the manga:

This Fucking Hand™️

As we all know, in the anime, Fyodor injures his hand when the password input device blows up, and as we all know, this does not happen in the manga. In the last episode, Dazai claims that the final nail in the coffin of his impromptu plan to kill Fyodor relied on this hand injury: because Fyodor couldn't pilot his escape helicopter himself, he would ask one of his Meursault vampires to do it for him, unaware that Bram and thus this vampire was now on the ADA's side, and said vampire could kill him while his guard was down.

Ignoring how utterly stupid and contrived this plan is when you stop and think about it for more than two seconds, the fact of the matter is that something that initially seemed like nothing more than an odd but inconsequential anime original addition ended up snowballing into being the entire reason one of the big bads was brought down. If Fyodor hadn't hurt his hand, he wouldn't have needed another pilot, and so the traitor vampire wouldn't have had an opportunity to get near him and kill him without him expecting it even though said vampire was presumably with him as they were leaving Meursault, and was probably already a traitor by then, so there was plenty opportunity for him to still die. not to mention by Chuuya's hands at literally any time he wanted to, because Chuuya was coherent the whole time. Also there's absolutely no way Dazai could have known exactly what Ranpo would do, no matter how smart he is and how much he trusts him. idk it's fucking dumb, just roll with it. Therefore, putting aside all other variables for now, we can conclude that, on the most basic level, this signifies that no hand wound = no death.

And let me tell you, this hand wound bothers me. It really, really does. Because they focus on it a LOT — they go out of their way to draw attention to it MULTIPLE TIMES, from the moment it first happens to the end of the season. Fyodor even talks about it to himself, about Dazai being able to cause him tangible, visible, bodily harm, (something that, again, as far as we've seen, has never happened in the manga). Hell, even after Fyodor's death, they're still drawing attention to it, because his right arm is all of him that survives, and Dazai picks it up and gives it to Nikolai to do his hilarious sad little gay fondling of it played completely straight even though there's nothing straight going on here at all! It's like it's a big red flashing sign at all times going "you see this injured hand? This is important. Are you picking up that it's important? Are you taking note of it?" Why is that? Obviously, it serves to give us the lore crumbs about Fyodor and "that man", but that's hardly the main, much more glaring reason, as I've already mentioned.

Fyodor doesn't hurt his hand in the manga. Fyodor won't die here in the manga. I am so dead serious by this point about this, and it's not just simply the fact that this was absolutely not at all the time for him to die, or the fact that his hand is the reason for his death in the anime in and of itself, but how much EMPHASIS they place on this, and on the hand in general. What would be the point of adding something like this, if it's not meant to alert us to the fact that it has a major impact on how the story plays out? We all know Bones: they struggle to get right and include everything that's already there in the source material; they would never go out of their way to add something this noteworthy if there wasn't a very good reason for it, if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I've seen a few people bring up the fact that Fyodor gets shot in the shoulder by Sigma and that that could lead to the same outcome in the manga, but I disagree: although he has blood on his shoulder in the manga, it seems like the bullet just grazed the top of it, because his arm and hand appears completely functional afterwards (not hanging limp by his side or anything). But that doesn't even matter, because this isn't even about the semantics/logistics of how the hand wound caused Fyodor's death because again, it's a stupid outcome, or what could serve as a substitute in the manga — thematically, this is a textbook example of the butterfly effect. Countless parallel universes exist within this series, ones where even the most minute differences lead to a majorly different outcome: this just happens to be one of them. There's no reason to think it isn't, and there's no reason to not think that the anime wants us to clue into the fact that things only went as smoothly as they did on the Meursault side because of this wound; in other words, that things will go very differently in the manga thanks to the absence of said wound. They wouldn't have added it in the first place and put such clearly deliberate emphasis on it otherwise.

Things are going to happen very differently in the manga, at least when it comes to the Meursault crew (but then, if you assume that, you then naturally assume it all will be very different). This is the only conclusion one can come to with the presentation of this anime-only wound, combined with the fact that parallel universes are a very real thing in BSD.

I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent, so bear with me. I play a lot of visual novels, and although such concepts aren't really as original now as they were a while ago, some of my favorite and some of the very best VNs out there are the ones that break the fourth wall and make the visual novel branching route format directly intertwined with the story: you know, the ones where the characters go "if only I had done things differently, maybe everything would have turned out better...!" in a wink wink nudge nudge moment, and the ones where the characters are aware of the different timelines, even, or even have the ability to gain information from their selves in said alternate timelines to influence events in their current one (I'm intentionally not naming the games I'm thinking of for the sake of spoilers, but if you know, you know lmao). It gets very meta in this regard, and this is how I started viewing BSD through the lens of ever since I first learned about Beast: like a visual novel with many branching routes, and only a few routes that feel entirely "right".

When I first read Dazai's Entrance Exam, I was struck by how unnerving the ending sequence in the abandoned hospital felt. Obviously, Kunikida's internal struggle over Sasaki's actions and motives is him still desperately clinging to his ideal world that does not exist, but the specific type of phrases he uses — "who is wrong?" "[who is] the cause of all this?" "there has to be an ideal world" "there has to be something, I'm sure of it" "There must have been something we could have done!" — and the framing of the scene in general, is eerily reminiscent of a bad ending in a visual novel, to me. There's a haunting, looming, bleak sense that a different outcome could have been achieved, if different decisions had been made, or if things outside of anyone's control had been different... and we know that this is true, because in Beast alone, Kunikida never goes through the Azure Messenger incident, because Dazai doesn't have his entrance exam. Hell, you could even consider the anime's version of the Azure Messenger arc an alternate timeline in of itself, if you really wanted to, long before we even arrive at season 5.

When it comes to Beast, this timeline has almost the opposite feeling of what I described above, that I've also encountered in visual novels: the idea of a "good route" or "good ending" that still doesn't feel quite earned, or as perfect as one would expect. Beast is presented as the "ideal" timeline purely for one sole reason: Oda is alive. It is the only timeline where he's alive, and keeping Oda alive is the ultimate goal Dazai wants to achieve, the only reason this timeline exists; therefore, disregarding all else, Beast should be the best timeline, because Oda's death is the greatest devastation in the series to date. We all want him to live, so why wouldn't the timeline where he does be the best one? And yet... of course, it isn't. Dazai is alone, and steeped in darkness and loneliness without Oda, and dies by the end of the story for Oda's continued living. Atsushi has Kyouka still, but he's suffering and more traumatized, and unable to heal while stuck in the mafia, and neither can Kyouka. Akutagawa is living a much better life in the ADA... but without his sister, and without what he has from his bond with Atsushi in canon, that isn't replicated in Beast. And Oda... Oda is alive, and he has his children and his novel, but there is a feeling that he is aimless, that something in his life is missing. He has everything he ever wanted, but all that means nothing without what he truly needs: Dazai, and his time with Dazai and Ango at the bar. In this way, things going well and us getting what we want — in this case, Oda living — goes against how it's supposed to be, the natural order, which is why it feels so hollow. In the specific visual novel I'm thinking of here as a comparison (again, shoutout if you know), there's an alternate ending that involves you inputting information you gain at the end of the game very early on in the game, wherein the protagonist now has memories of the future and is able to bypass and prevent all of the events that take place normally. This means that people who die or are hurt somehow in general are saved from that fate, and nothing bad ever occurs; everything wraps up neatly and nicely... but again, there's an undeniable, unsettling feeling of emptiness, of a victory that rings hollow, because what's the point if everything is simply handed to you easily, where's the sense of accomplishment, without any struggles to achieve said victories, or any growth along the way? How can it feel earned if one doesn't have to, in Dazai's words, "scream within the storm of uncertainty, and run with flowing blood"?

You can probably already see where I'm going with this.

This finale feels weird. Really, really weird. It feels too cheap, too simple, too unsatisfying. So much so, in fact, that for almost the entire runtime, as I was bombarded with resolution upon resolution one after another, I kept thinking "There's no way this can be real. Where's the catch? When is the "gotcha!" moment gonna happen? The "it was all a dream" reveal?". And this isn't just because I hated the writing, and that it really did feel like a fever dream watching fanfic levels of bad (actually, that's an insult to fanfic writers, tbh; they could do better) — no, it genuinely feels so incredibly fake. Even upon rewatching it and already knowing what happens, my brain still naturally keeps expecting some kinda of "sike, you THOUGHT!" moment to suddenly appear. It just.... feels "too good to be true". Dazai and Chuuya come out unscathed, and it's revealed that they were never in any real danger to begin with. Fyodor, one of our biggest threats, is dealt with supposedly for good (I say "supposedly" only because of the Jesus line, but if anything imo, I think that's just a hint that this won't be the canon ending in the manga, so in a sense he's going to "come back to life"), and Nikolai seems somewhat at peace with his death. The other biggest threat, Fukuchi, is also dealt with, and he and Fukuzawa get their final moment together of closure. Yes, Sigma is left in Meursault don't even get me started on how angry this alone makes me, and Fukuzawa loses Fukuchi, but overall, everything is portrayed in a positive light, and any negatives or losses are quickly glossed over. Everything is tied up nicely, neatly, and smoothly. ...And that is exactly what makes it feel so wrong, and hard to trust in.

I'm not sure if this will make sense, but to me, the finale is so incredibly poorly written that it almost feels.... intentional. It's so bad to the point of feeling self-aware in how bad it is, how unrealistically happy and convenient an ending it is. It had to end this neatly in order to rush to wrap up this arc for the season finale and not leave the last episode on a cliffhanger — which imo is chiefly the main reason it turned out this way, and, if this whole theory is true, Asagiri just used it to his advantage — and I'm not saying this was probably an effect Bones had in mind intentionally, I'm sure they just threw shit at the wall and went with whatever stuck, maaaaybe with some suggestions/approval from Asagiri, but the result is that you have a conclusion that contradicts so much of what was set up before and goes against so many character arcs, making some characters so out of character and even regressing in their development Dazai. I'm talking about Dazai abandoning Sigma, because he would never; hashtag #NOTMYDAZAI. Also Nikolai, Nikolai for most of that is so ooc I can't even begin to describe it oh my god. Everyone is OOC to a degree though lmao, and opens so many plot holes, to the point that it's impossible not to watch all that and get the feeling that it is subtly saying to you "did you really think it could be this easy? It feels wrong, doesn't it? It doesn't feel satisfying. It feels unearned." I find it incredibly interesting and suspicious in particular that they confirmed multiple theories people had about soukoku in Meursault: that Chuuya slowed the elevator's fall so that Dazai wouldn't die from it, that Chuuya slowed down the bullet so that it only penetrated Dazai's skin and not his skull, and that the both of them used Fyodor's camera angle to their advantage because they knew he wouldn't be able to see certain things from his view. I'm not saying that Asagiri trawled BSD twitter and tumblr after those chapters dropped for the most popular theories before the final episode was made lmao, there was no time for that (imagine though lol—), but I do think it's highly likely that he already had in mind exactly what theories would be made about these parts (I mean, the evidence for the gun scene was all there), and that Dazai rattling them off in his long monologue to Fyodor at the end is essentially him speaking to the audience and going "yeah, that's what you would predict, right? Those are the clichés, after all", much like him suggesting earlier that he can maybe bring Chuuya back to himself with a few moving words and the power of friendship, and Fyodor using the split personalities trope to fool Sigma. We expect these tropes to be true. Of course we'd fall for them, as Fyodor tells Sigma, especially if the evidence is right there. But Asagiri himself has explicitly said that he likes doing the opposite of what people expect. And so just because people predicted correctly with the three things I mentioned in this timeline... doesn't mean they'll be true in the manga's. Things happened how we wanted and expected it to, and everything turned out happily. So we can relax now, right? Everything will work out just as easily in the manga, right? Or... is the reason most of this finale feels so fake and unsettling and unsatisfying because it's meant to lull us into a false sense of security before all our heroes lose in the manga? Because deep down, we don't want an ending that's this simple, because we'd rather have a conclusion where our characters have struggled more and grown more and come out the better for it, and we know it?

After rewatching the episode a lot, and watching some other videos, and doing a lot of thinking, I am pretty confident in suspecting that the only part of this finale that is actually from manga canon, aside from Aya jumping off the building of course, is Fyodor and Nikolai's exchange after Fyodor leaves Meursault — specifically, them talking about Fyodor leaving Sigma behind, and their "new game" and Nikolai being excited at the prospect of it. This little conversation actually feels in character for them, and it's easy to tell this when contrasting it with everything that happens immediately after, wherein Fyodor is fatally stabbed, and Nikolai, completely at odds with what he was just talking about, just... stands there and watches Fyodor die while Dazai monologues lmao. I'm not sure if the helicopter is still a factor, but I would bet good money on Fyolai getting out of Meursault being manga canon, and that Dazai and Chuuya getting out as well and killing Fyodor + everything with FukuFuku, is part of the anime original ending, in order to wrap up everything positively. It makes much more sense if you think about, in reality (aka in the manga), Dazai and Chuuya still being left behind in Meursault (where they can eventually try to get Sigma), because none of it was an act and things did not go according to plan, and Fukuchi having an entirely different goal that doesn't feel so stupid and contradictory to his character, and Fukuzawa possibly dying — everyone seemingly loses, with Aya still being the last hope, perhaps by awakening her ability like we all speculated.

There's a youtuber I watch who covers BSD in-depth, despite being an anime-only (she reads the respective manga content after each season, though). Going into this finale, she knew about the fact that the anime had overtaken the manga, though she didn't know where the cutoff point was; despite that, however, she made predictions about what was from the manga so far and what was anime original, and it was almost entirely spot-on, based mostly on what she basically described as "anime original dialogue." She talked about how you can always tell when dialogue is veering into the realm of anime-original, because the sentences are very short, choppy, and slightly out of character, but generic enough to not be TOO out of character, and so that anyone can easily write said lines, even if they're not extremely familiar with the character like the original author would be. And when I heard this explanation, everything clicked — because so much of this finale has dialogue like that. The Fyolai scenes just feel peppered with it, around the lines I mentioned earlier, the Dazai dialogue does too, and ESPECIALLY shit at the end like Fukuchi and Fukuzawa exchanging the cliche death lines to end all death lines: "Are you there? I'm a little tired." "Rest up." That just isn't Bungou Stray Dogs. That isn't Asagiri. BSD is cheesy at times, yes, but it isn't like this; it's smarter. The dialogue is smarter, the explanations/plot twists are smarter, Asagiri is smarter, and the aforementioned youtuber I watched agreed. She's a pretty casual fan of the series, so if even she could pick up on these things, I think it speaks volumes.

I mentioned this briefly earlier, but this theory makes sense if you consider that this situation probably came about because of Bones wanting two seasons back-to-back when they did, and this arc being as long as it is. Season 3 aired in 2019, and I imagine Bones would have wanted season 4 in 2020, and might have then been willing to wait a bit longer for season 5 in order for more of this arc's manga chapters to come out — but then covid happened. Because of that, season 4 was delayed to 2023, creating the longest gap we've had between seasons, and I wouldn't at all be surprised if the delay made them want season 5 right together with it, after getting so far "behind", so to speak. S4 was announced in November of 2021, and roughly around that time, Asagiri was finishing up writing the plot of the DoA arc. If Bones came to him sometime in late 2021 and said they wanted two seasons now (so basically, one giant two cour season), Asagiri would know that not only of course would this arc not be finished publishing in the manga for a very long time yet, but that roughly 20ish episodes would not be enough to cover it all to the end, with this arc being longer than any arc the anime has adapted to date. Because of all this, and the arc manga chapters being nowhere near fully drawn to completion, he'd have to make a decision about what to do, and what to give Bones. Without ending season 5 on a massive cliffhanger that wouldn't be resolved for years until an eventual season 6, the only other option would be to rush towards an anime-original ending for the DoA arc.... and for Asagiri to take advantage of that, and integrate it into BSD's lore. Thereby creating a truly unique cross-media experience that utilizes the different mediums to create multiple timelines, that could make both the anime and manga interact with each other and become part of a bigger picture (not that you'd need to see both to get the full experience, mind you, just that it'd provide a little bonus if you did).... and would without a doubt be Asagiri's biggest surprise yet.

...I feel like at this point I'm starting to ramble, and my evidence become more and more incoherent and less substantial lmao, so I should probably end this post. 💀 Thank you if you've read this far, and hopefully it made some semblance of sense, despite not being structured very well; I know I promised at the start to try to be as objective as possible and curb my negative feelings, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded in that regard. If it weren't for the Fukuchi thing and the Fyodor hand thing, I probably wouldn't take how wrong and strange and bad the finale feels to me as serious evidence about it being an alternate timeline, especially since I seem to be one of the only people who actually hates all of it.... but combined with everything else, I am just so convinced of this theory being true. It started off as pure copium, but as more time has gone on, I fully, 100% believe in my bones (ha) that there is no way that finale is the same Bungou Stray Dogs I know and love, for so many reasons. It just isn't. It can't be. I know BSD better than this, I know Asagiri better than this, and I know that it's absolutely in the realm of possibility for him to cook up this whole scheme to completely blindside us with in the upcoming chapters, because that's exactly the kind of shit Mr. "Please Be Surprised!" himself would pull. If I end up being completely wrong, I guess I'm wrong, and you can laugh at me all you want then.... but I just know that ages ago people were teasing the idea of the anime operating on a different timeline from the manga, and I truly do think that only now are we finally seeing that idea come to fruition, as a setup for Asagiri going full-bore insanity with the Book in the upcoming arc(s). if I and the OP of that theory end up right, this will be the wildest time in the BSD fandom's history.

Like. I cannot even emphasize how hard they are trolling us at this point. Something is going on. Something is being cooked over there, the likes of which we've never seen before... and I don't think any of us are ready for it.

Oh yeah, and one last thing of note: both Fyodor and Nikolai here have their right arms hidden from view. Is that alluding to anything? I'm not sure. I also think that since chapter 110 was so short, next chapter will likely be 110.5 instead of 111, and if that's the case, this title spread could still technically be associated with the next chapter... wherein we might see this Fukuchi, who ends up wreaking havoc, right before he jumps to the timeline in the anime, as we see him at the end of the s5 finale.

I guess we'll find out on Tuesday.

[billowingangel]

Welcome ✧

I've been into hetalia since 2016 and for a while I tried to pretend I didn't like it....And I'm tired of living that lie! So I'm back to thinking, loving, obsessing, and writing about Hetalia.

I also block very freely and I'd rather people be 18+ to interact (since occasionally I may post nsfw/nsft which I will always tag)

I'm currently working on a few fanfictions which you can find on AO3 and FF.net

My favorite character is Canada 🍁 And I ship him with pretty much anyone...and I mean anyone...If that makes you uncomfortable please feel free to block this blog or the tags associated with ships you are uncomfortable with. I may at times reblog problematic ships, I'll add tags for the ship and a cw for the problematic element of the ship. Please take care of your mental health and curate your online space to what is best for you ♡ ˎˊ˗

more information below the canada picture

Wow, you clicked continue reading so here's more annoying stuff about me and this blog (^_^)

I spam reblog, mostly fanart (so many in this fandom are so talented!) and miscellaneous things (memes, random shit, writing tips, etc).

I'll occasionally post some of my own fanfictions (drabbles or links to them)

I also will post my rambling silly thoughts. I have decided to let myself loose and be as annoying authentic as possible here.

Also I will do my best to tag content/trigger warnings but I may forget (memory of a goldfish) so if I do please let me know

Here are some tags I use on this blog to organize (still working on what tags to use) ᯓ★

#art reblog ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡): self explanatory

#hetalia fanart ✨: reblogs of hetalia fanart

#canon tbh: posts that I see as accurate to character's personalities, how I perceive them, and how I think they'd act

#hetalia fanfiction:

#hetalia meme:

#positivity: posts and reblogs that are positiive

#misc: posts that are surprisingly not related to hetalia

#me core: reblogs that I really relate to

#fanfic imagine: imagining a fanfiction and maybe i'll write or finish the idea

#fanfic in progress: my thoughts during the process of writing fanfiction, debating whether I should do this or that, talking about what I plan to do, blah blah

#my fanfic: fanfiction that I have written, usually a link to ao3 but may also be to ff.net

I also mostly tag hetalia characters as hws so if you look up hws canada (for example) you'll be able to see all posts about that character

Some of my favorite posts of mine ┈─★

Now more about me which is why you're reading this (I'm just kidding)

Call me angel or anything really I don't care what I'm called (ᐢ. ̫ .ᐢ)

Also please feel free to message me!! I love talking to people but I get a bit hestitant about initiating. My discord is billowingangel if you want to talk there!

I'm 20 years old and I go by she/her pronouns and I'm a lesbian I love me some boobs what can I say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I may be a raging homosexual but I'm also a raging hetaliansexual (joke), I am attracted to so many fictional male characters and shockingly a ton of them are from hetalia (shoot me dead)

I love hetalia if that isn't obvious, it's on my brain a probably disturbing amount what can I say I'm mentally ill. I also like other anime (demon slayer <333, jujutsu kaisen, the witch and the beast, parasyte, etc), doctor who (so happy there's a new season), yuri manga!!, and other shit. I love horrors and thrillers! I rarely watch romantic comedies but I love reading romance in fanfiction ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm working on my own book (probably my 20th book) but I'm hoping to actually finish this one.

I am also working on multiple fanfictions: red means it's completed

off the grid: canada slightly snaps and goes on vacation lol

???:idk what to call it, america, england, and france are all fighting for canada's love and he's oblivious

unhealthy obsession: another country becomes obsessed with canada

Falling for Canada: multiple rarepair oneshots with Canada

My first omegaverse 0.0

a really stupid horror drabble that I posted

amecan week 2024

And I believe that's it~ Maybe I'll add my favorite ships

[haydensky01]

I would love to request following: MC is a cheerful, happy person. Never lets herself get drown in negativity (by others) . Always tries to help where she can. One relaxed evening, spending with the brothers, she gets a ptsd flashback. The first after a while. When she was young she had to leave her family because of a terrorizing father. As the brothers know nothing about this part of her past, she just fakes a perfect smile and heads to her room, saying she feels tired and will sleep now. There the memories and burried feelings strike her. Firstly sadness, then anger and hate. So strong, that her mimic becomes quite scary and her eyes looks almost black, as her pupils widen. As MC is a born storm witch, which she herself not knew, the burst of emotions awaken her powers resulting in a stormy weather and she building up a powerful, magic loaded aura. The brothers are feeling it without knowing what is going on, nor that mc is the source. I want to know how they, especialy Lucifer, reacts to this. Perhaps MC injuries herself on the back as stress relief, but that is not a must. Also I would love, if you could add the cannon that Lucifer has the power to see into others memories, if possible. Thank you and I wish you a lovely day! <3

MC BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THE BROTHERS ... AND FATHER TRAUMA!

Thank you for the request, let's get to it.

Attention: Not short attention spane friendly, angst, mention of blood, trauma.

#####################

How do people think inside their heads? What is inside their heads really? How freaked out would be people if you told them you have a HUGE gallery in your head where millions of framed pictures are exposed? A photography of each and everything that forged your experience of life and who you are.

Coming to the Devildom was such an amazing adventure. You loved the demons and their way of life. Everything was new, everything different. It's like becoming a kid all over again. Every day is intresting and full of surprises.

Thinking of yourself as a kid was always a challenge. You hated your childhood. You never were afraid of the monster under your bed or inside the closet. Yours was well known, wondering freely in the house, answering to the name of "Father". It was then, you created the imaginary display room. Spending your time taking pictures of the terrors you saw and framing them to its walls. You had so many of them. Your brain never failed projecting the right picture to whatever triggered you outside.

The doll, as you liked to refer to your external self, was always strong, smiling and calm. Leaving the pain, the ache, the rage to your internal self.

Who would think you were all this sitting at the sofa in the living room of the House of Lamentation.

"Don't stop. More pleeeaase!" Mammon says his head on your lap. "Pet my hair more!"

"Won't you get away of her already?" Satan gruns from the other side of the room. "You are such a parasite."

Mammon sticks his tong out to satan: "You are just jealous."

"I AM NOT." Satan fights back.

"Maybe he isn't, but I sure am." Asmo says sliding his head between yours and Mammon's. "Let me sleep on your lap MC, I need to, I have to."

"No way, you do. I am next." Belphie interupts pulling Asmo back from his scarf. "MC, promised me we would nap together."

"No. I want to play with her. I need our chill moment after the deception of today."

Levi had participated that morning to a gaming competion and he had won ... DUH! But the prize being a surprise, he was disgusted being presented with a million Hell Candy only. Those candies are EXTRA hot. If it wasn't for the spiciness of them, Beel would've had finished them already.

Sitting on the floor, he was still at his first thousand suffering after every piece. Lucifer agreeing to help him ease the heat of every candy casting a counter heat spell on Beel's mouth every time he takes one was sitting on the floor next to him. This is how Lucifer was going to get rid of three months of cooking duty.

You were amused by the brothers fighting over you. Looking at Beel eating the candies one after the other. Belphie cheering for Beel "Another one! ... Another one! ... Another one!".

Suddenly, you heard a familiar *click* inside your head. The projection was about to begin. Closing your eyes for brief seconds you could see a purple framed picture.

A moving picture of a little girl seated at the table. In front of her, a dish filled with cooked snails. The little girl's face was wet of tears and nose mucus. Obviously not willing to eat the snails. Next to her was "Father" hitting the table and screaming "Another one! ... Another one!" Forcing her to eat the snails by terrorising her. Her mouth already full with unchewed snails, she would grab some more shaking. At this moment, you felt what you have never felt since you came to the Devildom, you were about to lose control.

"Mams, you mind?" You say to Mammon with a warm smile.

"Ya 'bouta go nap with Belphie?" Mammon says pouting.

You laugh. "Is THE Great Mammon jealous? No, I am having a feminine emergency if you know what I mean."

"Oh! ..." Mammon says blushing, getting off your lap briskly.

#################

The door now locked. You turn the smile off and go sit on your bed closing your eyes letting yourself drown in the little girl's moving picture. In the intimacy of your room, you stop the badass act.

"Why did no one stop him?" You whisper to yourself shaking, tears running down your cheaks just like the picture. "Wasn't I deserving of rescue?" You pull your knees to your chest and hug yourself. Your breath becomes to be uneven due to the burried sobs. "I just wanted him to stop!" Your cries become stronger.

Through the balcony of your room, one could see the sky glooming. It wasn't announced that it would rain today but here come the first drops of a light and warm rainfall. What a coicidence that nature would weep your pains through the clouds, isn't it? Accompanying every broken heart beat of yours.

In the picture, "Father" was hitting the table harder and harder. Glasses and table sets shaking to every bang.

*Bang!*, "Would the next fist land on my face?" You think to yourself panicking. *Precipitations intensifies*

*Bang!*, "The next one will be on my lips I can already feel the sharp cut." *Precipitations intensifies*

*BANG!*, "It's gonna happen, my eyes ... He will hit my eyes." *Precipitations intensifies*

You shake uncontrollably trying to hide yourself under the covers. You have to hide your face. You have to hide your lips, you have to hide your eyes. It is going to hurt. It is going to bruise, to bleed. Hide your face in the pillow, hold on to it tight. Doesn't matter if you can't breath, the hit is coming. *thunderclap*

####################

"Stop." Lucifer says to his brothers.

"Do not let him run away he is about to break." Asmo says to Belphie and Levi as he tickles Mammon.

"MOUAHAHAHAHAHA ..... I WILL .... I WILL NEVER .... HAHAHAH .. ADMIT I LIKE MC ... MOUAHAHAHA !!!" Mammon says squirming and laughing hysterically.

"I said STOP!" Lucifer shouts to the demons.

Everyone stops looking at an intrigued and worried Lucifer staring at the window intensly.

"What is it? Why you ruining the fun? We were about to make Mammon confess he loves MC." Asmo complains.

"There is something wrong with this weather." Lucifer says seriously.

Everyone turns their gaze to the downpour and gloomy sky.

"It intrigued me as well. It started few minutes ago and is unsustainably getting worse." Satan says. "I feel the presence of a curse of some sort."

"No." Says Lucifer. "This isn't a curse. It is a weather manipulation magic."

"It's a wizards and sorcerers innate kind of magic. No such can be found in the Devildom as far as I know. Do you think Diavolo ...?" Belphie asks Lucifer.

"I don't kn..."

*BOOM*

A very loud sound is heard outside where the house entrance's gates have been detached by the strong wind, one hitting against the music room's veranda.

"WATCH OUT!" shouts Beel. "The other gate flies towards here."

*CRAAAACK*

The flying gate breaks the window and enters the living room where Lucifer is on his demon form flying in the air.

"That was a close one." Lucifer says. "Be careful, the winds are getting stronger!"

The brothers, barely recovered from the first hit, are thrown away by the blows incapable to hear Lucifer through the repetitive explosions of thunders.

"Hear my call, me your servant Satan, shield the present." Satan recites.

A thin barrier of energy raises shielding the demons from the attack of winds from outside.

"Nice work, Satan." Lucifer says. "The drops of rain froze and are very sharp. Make sure you don't get hit, damages will be severe. Satan, keep the barrier up as long as possible. On your demon forms all. NOW! We are under attack." Lucifer commands.

The demons facing the broken window, on their demon forms, put themselves in position to counter attack whomever is causing all these troubles from outside.

As they are all facing the window, fists and horns ready, an intense pour of hail hits them from behind. The demons, turning their back to the real source of the attack are thrown away against Satan's barrier which breaks under the impact and leave the demons under the mercy of the sharp frozen rain drops for several seconds before they could comprehend what was happening.

There, levitating in the air, dark eyes, mana escaping from your fingers, you were glaring at Belphie. Your face deformed with anger and rage.

The brothers were shocked and couldn't understand what was really happening.

"BELPHIE MOVE!" Beel throws himself at Belphie as you controll the wind to attack him with the pieces of glass on the floor.

"ANOTHER ONE!" You scream at Belphie as you change the winds direction to attack him from behind. Mammon interferes and protects Belphie's back.

"ANOTHER ONE!" You scream again as you blow Belphie against the wall, Satan snatching him before the impact.

"ANOTHER ONE!" You scream amid the thunders deafening sounds commanding the rain and hail against Belphie now protected by Levi and Asmo. Levi succeeded taming the rainfall but the hail gets to Asmo.

Asmo touches his face and sees .... Blood! You scratched Asmo's face.

"MY FACE! ..... MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" Asmo screams shaking. Then he collapses on the floor crying.

At the sight of Asmo's tears, you can hear yourself crying. The little girl crying. You look around and see your beloved demons in the middle of all this mess, everyone standing tall not attacking you even if they always had clear shot to do so. They were shocked and sad but still ... Loyal. You look around again and realizes the weather you caused. You knew you aren't able to control this off. Unless ...

The only way to get this over with was to cause yourslef harm. The pain will snap you out of your powers. You look at the glass around and command the wind to hit your back with them.

As the glass was speadily flying towards you, you feel a hand grabing your arm. You turn and see Lucifer. He snitches you away from the glass's trajectory and flies you up. Before you could command the wind again he wraps you with one arm firmly and pushes one Hell Candy into your mouth. At the sensation of extreme heat that invades your mouth you try to spit the candy out but Lucifer seals it in with a kiss tightening the embrace with his other arm now free. Your eyes connected, you could feel Lucifer staring at your soul. After a moment, he breaks the kiss first and tells you quiety: "You are worthy of rescue." At this sentence you feel your internal framed pictures collapse one after the other in your head and you pass out peacefully.

The heat of the candy was enough snapping you out of your weather manipulation seizure. The brothers were all looking at Lucifer with disgust.

"Taking advantage of a drunk lady to kiss her is a crime." Says Mammon pouting.

"MY FAAAAAAAACE !!!!" Asmo continues screaming and crying.

"I TOLD YOU THE BLOOD ON YOUR FACE IS MINE. I GOT SCRATCHED ON MY SHOULDGER AND MY BLOOD FLEW TO YOUR FACE WITH THE WIND." Levi tries to explain to the avatar of Lust (more like avatar of drama).

"So we've got ourselves a born storm witch hein!" Satan says to Lucifer.

"It appears we do. She doesn't have the slightest idea of how to control her powers though." Lucifer answers as he is still holding you bride style.

"Why me?" Belphie says tears in his eyes.

"Long story. I was getting in her mind the duration of the attack. Our little human isn't the happy face we always thought she is. It's nothing against you Belphie. I promise." Lucifer shares taking you upstairs to your room.

"Clean and fixe everything. We will need an organized house to train Miss Stormy here." Lucifer says as he goes away ignoring the annoyed faces of his brothers. "Oh, yes. Beel. No snails are allowed in this house ... ever."

The End!

[xlucy-in-the-skyx]

Bloodletting Announcement and Chapter 19 Preview

The long-awaited preview of chapter 19! (Please be gentle. This is pre-edits, pre-polish, pre-everything.) An announcement on the upcoming chapter can be found after the preview!

“I’m in love with you.”  Siobhan lets out a single choked sob, a few more tears rolling down her trembling face. She turns her head away, enough to pull her cheek out of his palm, and cradles their hands to her chest. Gale can feel how her whole body shakes with the effort of reigning herself in, trying desperately to keep from succumbing to the pain.  “What—? What am I supposed to say to that?” Siobhan whimpers. Gale feels as if someone’s punched a hole through his chest, achy and raw and gaping. He’d known that the chance of Siobhan reciprocating his feelings was slim, but there had always been a tiny hope, a possibility that she would. No more. “You don’t have to—I know you share a special bond with Astarion. I won’t pretend that I could ever supplant him in your heart, but I couldn’t—I just needed you to know.” Gale is bereft, adrift in the agony of her rejection. The jagged edges of the wound in his soul burn hot and sharp, the stabbing shooting pain of an exposed nerve.  “This isn’t about him.” Siobhan glares at him, furious, heartbroken tears cascading freely now in uninterrupted lines, “How am I supposed—how can you expect me to—it’s so easy for you to say that to me, to feel that for me, but what am I supposed to do? If I let myself love you, then what am I supposed to do when you’re gone? How—” her breath stutters, “how is that any fair?”  “It’s not,” Gale’s voice breaks over the shoals of his regret for having caused her so much pain. That her reticence to return his feelings has nothing to do with Astarion brings him no comfort at all. "But I couldn’t bear—I needed you to know. I’m sorry.” He’s sorry, yes, but he wouldn’t take it back even if he could. Gale is selfish, and he’ll die selfish, for there isn’t time enough for him to change.  “I hate you,” Siobhan cries quietly, “I hate you because I could love you if you’d given me the time, and you’re throwing it all away. What gives you the right—” another sob rips through her, “t-to make me feel— only for it to all—” “I’m sorry.”

Hi guys! You know how I totally lied and did not update last weekend when I was supposed to? Well I think the delay is going to be so worth it because this chapter is a MONSTER. I'm not even done yet and we're already over 7k words.

What's more, this chapter has got the first real spicy scene of Bloodletting (and by real, I mean honest to god, bona fide penetrative intercourse, lol.) I think it's gonna make y'alls brain melt. Not so much because it's super NSFW (i think it's pretty tame all things considered) but because of the angst/feels of it all. It's certainly making my brain melt.

So, when are y'all gonna get the new chapter? Well, since the actual writing isn't done yet and my beta reader is currently on an airplane, probably not today. Hopefully, I'll have it all done (written, edited, polished, etc.) sometime tomorrow for your reading pleasure. If it looks like that won't be possible, I'll make sure to come on here and let y'all know.

Ao3

[kloppinthekop]

Hi Amy!🥰

🍄🦋🪲 - for the ask game

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Okay, the latest thing that popped into my head for Domitrent is that… surprisingly Domi is often quite shy in the bedroom? Or maybe “shy” isn’t the right word but… coquettish, perhaps. Like, he knows what he wants and he is going to get what he wants, but sometimes he’ll play it off like he’s just waiting for Trent to dictate the play (so to speak). A lot of bashful glances, maybe hiding his face in Trent’s neck—or even outside of the bedroom, burrowing his face into Trent’s hoodie when they are sitting on the couch or whatever. I think it would be his way of getting more affection, especially out of someone more stoic like Trent. If he acts all shy and almost a little submissive, it forces Trent to take on a more dominant role, and therefore Domi will get more love and affection than if he took control the whole time.

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I very often get obsessed about a certain thing—whether it’s a ship, or a music artist or album, or a particular painting, etc.—but when it comes to people I find it very hard to connect on a deep level? Like it’s weird because I can connect so very deeply to an idea I have about some stranger, some random footballer whom I will never ever meet, and like I’ll twist my brain in circles trying to delve into their perceived psyche or horoscope and such… but then there’s some kind of disconnect with IRL humans. I think maybe it’s because I’m afraid to let other people know too much about me, so it makes it harder to then learn things about them too. I am very not good at being vulnerable, because it is very scary. I’m trying to be better about it and like actually chat more freely with people, but I am 100% not a natural at it!

(Also I think I’ve been trying to work this out in fic form lately, this theme of not being able to communicate one’s inner feelings, especially in my most recent chapter of Dream Come True…)

Anyways, sorry to get all heavy/psychosocial on main lol 🤷🏻‍♀️

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

“Some time between all the talking and the touching, Jarell thinks he’s only gone and fallen in love with the man. Was it inevitable? Maybe. Ill-advised? Quite possibly. But more and more often Jarell finds himself staring at Virgil, wondering what it would be like to have his hands on him in another situation, to be talked through something more than just team tactics and positions on the field…”

Wheeeee- thanks Meb! 💕🫶

[shamanfox]

In sacrosanct meadows on lush green hillside

courtyards of

evergreen and lily white snow, sits

The Jester

holding cards

She waits there with a sheepish grin. Her wild eyes staring from lunacy beyond the grave of his long dead burned out mind.

Nothing

was there

rattling through his skull like a rats cage

set on fire

fleeing rodents wrapped up in disguise of "Ideas"

That thunk himself brilliant and yet

SAID he was humble which meant borrowing his neighbors coat to drape over mud holes waiting for the first fool to partake of the plastic.

The slipknot goat-head wheel turner

could have been but a single shot

transfixed into a photograph hung center in

The Museum Of Cretin.

Oh …shake the haze from the glare. There are no cards to read here, realize now as they are

just four blank mirrors void of a decent worthy expression.

Only an echo from years previous this short track roller coaster is out to lunch.

Permanently imitating chatty Kathy in a make-believe world.

….

Whilst the Thief laughed, merriment began to rise and bloom in iridescent array that "smoke screened eyelids"*

from ever knowing the secret

of unlocking beauty’s door…

When the moon made an appearance from the dusk of a cloud

barren soldiers were fighting in the cosmic dust

of infinite spiral layers

of possibilities. Love was

at the door step

opening gates

so inviting. This is the part of the story

Wise fear to tread…

Lets "talk" about love shall we?

Here, take my hand I will guide you now through the hallways of truth.

Love is always an open door speaking songs of forlorn angels and battle scars of internal injustice. It screams out as though it was not a biological drug life induced

that heart of being…

not just this falsely believing.

I myself am Wrapped up in nothing

short of insanity, sleepless, penny brained, every word:

"Yes" as in "Yes my Love Yes!"

mind babbling beggar... using only first dimensional communication.

A day spent in concrete stoic

Are now failing words

spilled in marbles

at loves door.

No now now baby,

you will never shake

this off.

No not the

real deal.

Your going to change

rid anything left insulting your

soul

your gonna wash your face

and look square

in the eyes. Your gonna smile now

"goddamit"

Smile.

Show me baby what loves all about.

Did you think it was a white picket?

Now.

holy un-roll all the fears your momma and your poppa force fed.

Stop gagging on the stew passed around this old cross for generations

You really think you know what loves all about?

Is it about jealousy

for the testosterone forgiven

from lily white to crimson dilate

clothes from every other sister

as she passed by.

Do you love em honey when every drool felt like nails into the coffin of self esteem.

Love feel safe like the choking flavor of chapstick

and gum

strangle-holding

dignity on a silver plated fork three-prongs that I swear looks just like a bird.

A fuck you

flip

this

switch bird.

a book now …

Like chapter one "first verse same as the first"

where slave driver poet lords bang minds door with words hung across arms

whilst fur is trading in dark caves of fog

Where old gathers together hand and hand to die.

or Bleed

sometimes you take a break to let it bleed.

Love is ruthless a two edged sword

for polarities balances a spinning pirouette effortlessly.

Love has a few freckles

sunspots on oceans of sea green, evergreen in redwood forests

where it flourishes a dream within this dream.

A voice always a little above or below the wave

where a dance-floor joyously

announces

heart & soul

though the train finally came home to stay…

Love walks with

or a step ahead for it is always there

freely

When you finally come home stay

love walked with you all the way

[mooifyourecows]

I'm sure someone's asked you this before, but I'm thinking about writing another short fic and I'm wondering what your process is for plotting out your writing? every time I try and write something I always struggle with knowing how to move the plot toward what I want. I'm wondereng if you have a structure you tend to follow? if you've answered this before feel free to tag me in that post or something, but it's been so long since I've written something and I want a good structure to start from. and you're one of my favorite authors so I figured you'd be the best to ask

ideas take time. I'm sure there are some people out there who can get an idea and then spit out a short fic immediately after and it's great and wonderful and amazing but personally, I can't do that. I gotta sit on my ideas and build them over time. even the short ones!

it's just not enough for me to want to write something. i gotta be into it, and i'm not going to get into it unless i've spent considerable time thinking about it and developing it in my head. whether that means building up plot or backstory or just witty banter, I need to have a good feel for the story before i can start writing it. most of the story ideas i come up with never get written. i come up with an idea that i'm into but then i can't brainstorm enough meat in the middle so i either tuck it away in my notes to try and salvage later or i forget it and move on

And that's okay! not every idea is a winner. but it's not a waste of time to come up with them. several of my stories were once ideas that i scrapped because i couldn't motivate myself to get into them. Summer Rain was an original story idea i came up with when i was a teenager that i stuffed into the very back reaches of my brain until years later i got into Haikyuu and dragged it out to rethink it into a fic idea instead. GMB too. Hard Times was a fic I started years ago and then abandoned because I couldn't bring myself to think up what should happen after the initial deal is struck.

when i am actually plotting out a story, i don't really have a structure that i follow. I just think of individual things and jot them down in my notes, then change or add to them as i continue to brainstorm. I mainly focus on the BIG parts, working them out in my head until I like them, and then write the little in between stuff as I go. I am one of those writers that prefers to write by the seat of my pants and it's worked well for me so far but I understand how some people prefer not to do that.

none of my stories come quickly though. For many of the long ongoing ones, i'm coming up with new stuff all the time. I've got a big thing planned for ATEGT that i didn't think of until I was like 15 chapters into it. Summer Rain is nothing like what it was supposed to be when i first started it. Ideas are supposed to change and bulk up over time, so if you give them the time they need, you can think up some really fun, amazing stuff!

Don't rush. I understand the need to write something and post it as soon as possible. There are times that i wish i could just bust out a fast one shot and shoot it out there for people to read but it's just not my style. the people who can do that are awesome and i admire them! but it's just not for me. I need to bat an idea around in my brain for weeks, months, or even years before it becomes anything concrete.

other than that, i don't really have much useful advice for you in this area, unfortunately. Just... take notes. Write down your ideas as soon as you think of them. It's not a contract. You don't have to keep them. I'm constantly jotting an idea down in my notes and then deleting it later because i changed my mind. It's fine! Get loosey goosey with it! it's supposed to be fun! don't stress yourself out with trying to force something thats just not coming. let it come to you freely and you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you think of.

i've also found that it helps for me to write my thoughts down as if i'm telling the idea to a friend. Just working through the plot on the fly from beginning to end. "I've got this new idea. So there's Character A who works at the airport and what they does is this and that. then one day as theyre doing this or that, someone comes through the line and then this thing happens and Character A is like what the heck? but they're cool so they're like hey it's no big deal and Character B is cute so Character A is like hey let's see where this goes, so anyway Character A does this and Character B is like that and after that Character C who is Character A's ex and a total douchenozzle shows up and Character B is like yo i'm gonna help you out and so-" you know? Just... write it out. If you don't know what happens next, say you don't know what happens next. "Some other stuff will happen and their bond will grow you know, like fun romantic and silly things where they learn some stuff about each other but it's clear that Character B is keeping a secret but Character A doesn't want to push them into talking about it so they just pretend like they don't notice and-" etc etc.

Walk yourself through the stuff you HAVE figured out and you might think up some others on the fly too. It helps to see it in a linear fashion. "And then and then and then and then". At least it does for me. Especially since my brain doesn't like to be organized and constantly jumps around to whatever is most interesting at the moment. my friends have gotten long strings of messages from me over the years about story ideas i've come up with and just want to get out to see if they have any real potential. and those are the ones that usually do!

sorry i don't have any real tricks or tips about this stuff. i really am just a sloppy disorganized writer and people probably shouldn't try to emulate me because it's a mess over here, take my word for it 🤦‍♂️

anyway, i wish you luck! You can do it! just make sure you are having fun. your writing should be indulgent and exactly the kind of thing you would want to read. don't think about what other people would want. You're not making a product to sell, you're creating art 🌈

[mini-jiminie]

What an extremely heteronormative take. Leave room for doubt because they are two men, in a famous band? They can’t possibly be actually together surely?! That’s kinda homophobic not going to lie. If these two men were a man and a woman there would be no doubt. No rationality. Hickey gate would be just that. And no, they knew exactly what they were doing.

Fact of the matter is, they are a closest queer couple and won’t behave in the same way as you or I, not only that but yes, they are extremely famous. Think about it logically, for a decade they have had the protection of the band, they go on hiatus, there is no group work, they have to remain separate in the eyes of the public, not to give themselves away. You get hardly any interaction in public. That’s on purpose. 100 pecent with reason. You think they are going to post about what they do together? No. Notice the difference between the other members, Jimin saw Hobi and Yoongi and probably Joon at the company a lot. JK wasn’t there, when he was he went to see Jimins dance practice and we got the bb.

Hobi’s enlistment , k army deduced they’d been together the night before drinking, so no that’s not a reunion hug. It’s just a really beautiful hug. They’d seen each other at a group meal days before jk made his Jimin centric live after saying he missed him. Time means nothing to these two. Same as in the doc, jk striding in saying long time no see, and they’d literally been at the concert together all day. They absolutely saw each other in chp2 but it was mostly private. You’d really have to be dumb to think otherwise. Where do you think the enlistment and travel show came from? Thin air? Oh I know, I’m distant from this person but let’s enlist together for kicks Be for real please.

Every decent relationship is based on friendship, that’s they key to longevity. It’s what you are left with in the end. No relationship is going to be ott passionate all of the time, so you saying platonic moments is ridiculous. Of course they are mostly platonic moments, because that is normal, and because they are in a glass closet. The beauty of love lives in the mundane. Take the show, they just wated to spend time together. They are being normal travelling around as freely as they can but the point is that they are doing it together.

You and others are being extremely naive if you think they are going to make out or such things on camera to satisfy your whims, is that what you need for them to prove their relationship to you? They can’t possibly be real bc they don’t act like lovers? Because that’s what you’re saying reading your opinion. Again, your heteronormativity is showing. Trying to be rational is giving queer erasure.

I’ve always said you have to have a functional mature brain to get these two, but also put it into context. Seems you fall short.

Anon, I'm gonna need you to take a big breath and take a step back. What I'm most surprised about is your absolute vehement insistence that they are, for sure, 100% together. I'm sorry but, I wasn't aware that you were joining them on their candlelit dinners by the sea. Are you living in their walls perhaps?

As I keep reiterating in my posts - a point YOU chose to skim over :) - I am completely open and welcoming to the idea of them being together. I'm also ok with them not being together and not knowing the true extent of their relationship because, repeat after me:

we are fans. outsiders.

Also, I know something like joint enlistment isn't a light topic. Do I have to write every single one of my thoughts out for you? Where did I say jkk never met during chapter 2? I said they spent more time apart than they usually did in previous years because jm was busy working.

Never have I claimed that my opinion was truth. It's my subjective opinion and I literally don't know why you're so bothered about it. Also, me saying there's a possibility that jikook might not be together is suddenly homophobic? Ok cute!

[cookinguptales]

leap year tarot readings!

Okay!

I haven't done a tarot night in a while, so let's have fun together today!

For my new followers (or a refresher for old friends), here's the low-down. I am not psychic. I cannot tell the future. That said, I do love tarot cards. I won't get into the personal significance they hold for me right now, but I will say that I studied the history of tarot in college and collect decks now. (I have a lot!)

So now periodically I do tarot readings for people on tumblr. Just simple 3-card draws, but we have fun here. Again, I am not psychic. That said, I do believe that, since tarot is based on archetypes that apply to all people, all people can see some of themselves in a tarot spread. I can't tell your future, but if something in the spread brings up something you've been thinking about lately... well, maybe that's your brain telling you to think things through a little bit more.

I always relate tarot to that one saying: if you want to make a decision, flip a coin -- and then see which side you find yourself rooting for. I think tarot is similar in that, when we see a spread, we find ourselves subconsciously latching onto certain parts of it. And I do think it's wise to listen to your subconscious occasionally. A strong gut feeling shouldn't always be followed, but I do think it should always be explored.

Anyway! If you would like to request a tarot reading, here are some quick guidelines.

Please send me an ask that I can reply to. A lot of people like seeing the cards themselves, so I'll be posting all spreads publicly.

You can be anonymous, but if you are, please put an emoji or something so you can identify yourself. (And to keep my notifications at all navigable.)

I am going to be using both the Rainbow Connection Tarot and the 5-Cent Tarot this time. Please let me know which you'd prefer, and please keep in mind that the Muppets one is just the major arcana!

I am not psychic! So if you ask me a specific question, I will not be able to answer it! But if you'd like me to keep a topic in mind while doing my reading, I'll do my best.

I like to take my time with my readings and also take frequent breaks to pace myself. So please be patient with me.

This always seems to come up, so let me just be very clear! These readings are free. If you'd like to do something in return, I always like to ask you to pay it forward by just doing something nice for someone in the next few days.

Please don't talk yourself down when you send a request! No "sorry to bother you"s or "if it's okay for me to ask" or whatever. I do this because I enjoy it. You are taking nothing from me that I am not freely giving, and when I need to take breaks, I will do so. You are just as entitled to my time as anyone else in my inbox when I have specifically put aside time for y'all to claim.

Uhh... okay! One more thing! One of the times I did this recently, I posted what song I was listening to when I did your reading, and I thought that was a lot of fun. This time, though, why don't you choose a song? I'll listen to it while I do the reading. It can be your favorite song, or one that has to do with the vibe you want, or one that you're just really feeling today. Go wild! Just make sure that it is physically possible for me to find on the internet. lmao

Finally, as always, if you don't want to see all this, please block "#tarot shenanigans".

[midwestmade29]

Christian Cage Head Canon 💭

I think this is considered a head canon, but please correct me if I’m wrong! (I do feel like some of this would be true with Jay being Jay and not Christian 🫢 I think I may have blurred the two 😳) But this is the shit my brain comes up with randomly and I wanted to share 😂

Spice level:🌶️

Word count: 704 So, picture this:

You and Christian LOVE to play small pranks on each other. At home, on the road, on the phone, at an arena…anywhere possible. You both love to mess with each other and push each other’s buttons a little.

You both are always laughing together. Doing whatever you can (no matter how silly or crazy) to make the other crack up. From jokes, sarcasm, getting one another in your most ticklish parts, puns, wearing something completely ridiculous, singing horribly to songs in the car, making crazy faces at each other, etc. The laughter is something that makes both your hearts ridiculously happy.

You love dancing together. Favorite types are dancing crazily in the kitchen while fixing dinner or cleaning up the dishes, slow dancing and holding each other close at a wedding or a party, in the car when your favorite songs come on, in the candlelight at home in your living room, and of course dancing in the sheets 😉

Physical touch is both of your love languages. Holding hands, wrapping your arms around the other from behind, a quick peck on the cheek, resting your head on his shoulder, cuddling on the couch while watching a show or movie (let’s be real though, probably a hockey game 😂), his hand on your thigh while he drives, when you embrace and it still doesn’t feel like it’s close enough, him helping you unzip your dress while letting his fingers graze your skin in the process, you helping him fix his tie because it’s usually crooked, forehead kisses, a little smack on the ass when either of you pass by one another.

You’re each other’s home. When you’re a part, you feel like a chunk of you is missing. The days while he’s away for AEW seem to drag on and make you anxious for him to come back to you. Whenever you’re together all feels right with the world and there’s an overwhelming sense of comfort and peace that fills your soul. Sitting silently next to each other while you read a book and he watches tv doesn’t bother either of you one bit, because just being near each other is enough. “Home is wherever I am with you.” 🖤

You support each other immensely. Whatever goal, dream or aspiration either of you have, you’re both in each other’s corners cheering for each other louder than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if either of you are successful in your endeavors or fall flat on your face, you lift one another up and kiss the pain away if something didn’t go the way it was planned.

You’re both extremely competitive. You like to challenge each other in just about anything! Trivia on any subject, googling something to prove you’re right/correct, board/video games, who can buckle their seatbelt the fastest, a staring contest, rock/paper/scissors, anything to one up the other, but playfully. Sometimes egos can get bruised, but you both get over a loss eventually. (By kissing and making of of course!)

Neither of you are afraid to be your true selves around each other. The good, the bad, the ugly, you accept and love every flaw. Showing emotion and speaking freely about anything/everything just comes naturally for you two. From morning breath, reciting every word while watching a favorite movie, beard trimmings all over the bathroom counter/sink, leaving hair in the shower drain, snoring, forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll, stealing all the covers when you’re sleeping, being indecisive about dinner, burping or farting loudly, leaving dirty clothes everywhere, putting your cold feet on them, …you two embrace it ALL.

Your intimate relationship is always burning hot, hot, hot 🔥 Intense physical attraction, skin on skin, hands roaming everywhere, lips constantly on each other, love bites and secret hickeys, he makes you forget about any insecurities you might have, mutual trust when trying new things or exploring, you both have healthy appetites 😏, laying naked together and falling asleep that way after sex, passion always on the forefront, empowering and encouraging one another when something feels good, not afraid to take things outside of the bedroom, intense, romantic, sensual, fun and exciting, dirty talk, (you both are very vocal 😏), a deep soul connection.

WOW, okay…that was waaaay longer than I meant it to be but it felt right so I kept rolling with it 😂 Obviously Mr. Cage/Reso has me feeling some type of way 🫠

[lavenoon]

Specialty as a fanfic writer, let's go!

(Here I am taking that post very literally, so I'm gonna choose a specialty that is relevant specifically to it being fanfic, because I think it's an interesting way to think about it instead of just general writing, and I hope to explain myself well kfdjhgskñjgh)

I am assigning you "never forgets the fun! "

(And here I'll say, I really need to learn from your example on this one fjkhgkjsh)

Because Luce, literally following what you come up with is so much fun!

And that's what fanfic is! Fun! A hobby! Something that can be frustrating at times, but also is supposed to make us happy! And I just love that about what you make, because it's so clear how much you enjoy it. And just for the sake of clarity, you are an awesome writer! These are not mutually exclusive, of course, and in fact I think these aspects work so well together for what you do! You have so much fun creating your story, you know your characters so well, that placing them in a dozen variations of the same premise is absolutely no problem and I would (and have) read each and every one of them! You care so much about the connections between characters and the themes you explore and you have a blast while doing it too! And I have a blast witnessing it!

When someone makes an offhand comment and you suddenly go "Oh?", I just can perceive the little lightbulb turning on above your head and I just know we are in for a treat! Because what you make is just so genuine and heartfelt that the enthusiasm is just contagious! All the things you explore, be it by drabbles, or multi-chapter arcs, or your comics (comics are literature too and no one can change my mind on that XD), and the way you just opened a gate for other people to have fun with your AU too, it's just all so wonderful! The possibilities are endless and they're all there waiting for you to choose which ones inspire you the most!

What you make just represents the spirit of fanfic so terrifically and I am all for it, all day every day!

(and... if I'm being a little sappy for a moment here, I've always been just a bit too selfconscious about truly indulging and having fun so freely and trying stuff like this at all and I have some trouble coming out of my shell sometimes, so following along with AU and all the discord shenanigans has just made me feel the tiniest bit better about joining in on the fun, so you get a very heartfelt thank you from me for that <3)

I was gonna say the post said "on anon" but yknow, if you had sent this in on anon that would not have been anonymous anyway GFHDJS <3 That being said...

I'm blaming the fact that it's early but I really am just a little weepy and it took me like three times of reading to finally formulate some thoughts but most of them are just blubbering and or happy keysmash

Wanted to say that I just can't not explore things - but I realize I could. But where would be the fun in that? Fun has me in a chokehold and I'm never even considering not to indulge!

It makes things hard to follow and I'm self-conscious about that at times, which may make the weepiness partly out of relief/ reassurance. Always happy to hear that it's fun to follow along wherever my adhd brain takes me, and it is fun to explore - I love doing it!

I write fanfic for my fanfic, and apart from those bouts of "oh god no one's gonna be able to follow this mess of an AU" I'm so so happy to do it! There are so many different ways things could have gone, and I'm a huge sucker for the "soulmates in the 'in every universe, I'd choose you' way" trope - they choose each other, again and again and no matter how they meet, it turns out okay! Even the (discord exclusive (so far) because I wasn't confident enough to post Glamrock stuff before) version of AU where Robin works for Abra Fez with the Glamrocks - they still get to have fun with their boys! There's a happy ending! (and lots of shenanigans on the way gfhdsj)

The dynamics change and that's a lot of fun, and yeah I really just. Have to agree with your judgement - except I think fun would never let me dare forget it gfhdjsk

I love seeing what other people come up with - fanart and fanfic and the agentsona shenanigans, I always intended for this AU to be a sandbox to play in! I do it at any given moment, and it's so much more fun with other people enjoying themselves too! It can be silly, it can rely on so much suspension of disbelief, as long as it is fun! That is the most important part, and I'm glad to deliver!

(Also very glad to coax you out of your shell - it can be scary to be self indulgent when you feel so observed! Cringe culture is dead but its effect lingers! But I'm always gonna be very vocal about my support for self-indulgence because it is so much fun, that's even more dynamics to explore! It's nice, it's fun, and hurts no one - so I wish you heaps of self-indulgence in your future <3)

[vespertineblossoms]

i've been drowning for a month now.

i don't know where it started and where exactly it all went wrong. it was a gradual descent—me slowly losing sight of the horizon, my hands trashing more and more as the currents become harsher and more unpredictable, my breathing becoming more inconsistent, and my legs ultimately giving out, numbed and out of power to go on. i'm sinking, drifting away with the ocean waves. i'm waiting for a rescuer to come find my submerged body, bring me ashore, and for me to go home, or for me to finally descend and rest by the seabed and rot away in there for good.

i lose.

if my body is never to be found by my loved ones, i think mourning me would be easier—there's no memories of me slowly losing the life in me, no lifeless body of mine to hold, and no corpse to hold a funeral for that will be etched in the heart of my family and friends. they'll remember me in my happiest moments, moments wherein i was able to change things for the better for others and myself, moments wherein i am in control of myself and my life. they won't picture me being insufficient, me being useless, me not meeting the standards and expectations i have for myself, me lacking passion, and me being defeated by my anxieties and hurts.

they won't picture me drowning.

i'm losing my consciousness. i'm losing air. i'm losing myself. the sliver of sunlight passing through the waters is becoming less and less. i can't see the colors of the ocean and i can only see a deep blue that morphs more and more into darkness. the descent is becoming more comfortable the more i struggle less to fight. this aquatic battlefield wants one thing—for me to wave the white flag, accept defeat, and be at the mercy of the ocean waters' ebbs and flows until i reach my final resting place.

i can drown now but i've fought this much. why will i let it all go to waste now?

stubbornly, i try to take control again—of my body, of my brain, and of my heart. slowly, i hold my breath and look upwards. amidst the liquid abyss that engulfs me, there is still a faint light shining through. i think about how beautiful the sun looks like when it rises and sets and kisses the ocean, warm cups of tea you make for yourself as an act of love, first bites into home-cooked meals, cozy hugs and kisses from the people that matter most; walking and trekking rural areas and getting reminded of how beautiful the world is. i think of admiring the flowers blooming beautifully in spring, perspiring because of the summer heat, jumping in piles of fallen leaves in autumn, and bundling up in the winter. i think of stray cats coming up to my feet to ask for pets, songs that i love putting on repeat, going into museums, writing, long drives, birthdays, walks in the park, birds chirping, reading, and everything else that makes me feel alive—proof that i am a living organism, that i have touched lives and in turn had others, living and not, touch mine.

i fight.

it's much easier to sink into nothingness, succumbing to the reality that life is a constant strife towards stability, than to keep swimming. to swim is to commit to continuous movement—even if your entirety feels exhausted and you're crushed by failure, inadequacy, guilt, grief, and everything else that anchors you downward. to swim is to commit to life, hanging onto the promise of breathing freely again when you've successfully reached the shore after battling currents that seem insurmountable until you confront it head-on. to swim is to want to come home and experience life again. my life isn't over just because i've drowned once or twice or as many times as possible—it'll only be over once i decide to that life, as beautiful as it is, isn't worth the fight anymore; once i decide that i don't want to swim anymore.

i swim upwards and try again, like i have always had.

[numbugwritingblog]

Welcome To The New Realm! (Chapter 2)

Previous Chapter

Index

---

04/05/2018

“And that’s what happened…”

Cal was sitting down and drinking tea in a small house that Jett, her current saviour, owned. Everything was organised in an unusually neat and tidy order, with many of the rooms not even having any functional lights, but none of that really mattered to Cal. The death of her husband was still fresh on her mind from sharing the night’s events, and the pain of losing him still leaking out through her tears.

… And the terror that she couldn’t even refer to her own name in her thoughts.

Jett was on the chair next to Cal’s, not looking at her or, well, anything in particular, but still paying full attention. “That’s pretty horrid,” he said softly, mainly to try and express his empathy and sympathy. “Cal, I promise I’ll help you however I’m able to, and the first thing I can do is to answer any questions you have.”

“I’ve-... I've got so many questions, I don’t even know where to begin.”

Jett gave a nod. “It’s alright, we’ve got the time to think.”

“Well, where am I?”

Jett gave a nod. “Right, a good question to ask first. You’re in an alternate realm that the people here call the New Realm, specifically in the city of Crystalline Caverns. It used to be a mining city known for its arcane crystals, our money, but now it’s for tourists hearing about its history.” Jett then held up a crystal to show it to Cal. “And before you ask, the only way we know of to go back to your home, or the Old Realm, is to teleport there.”

“That’s my second question,” Cal retorted before another sip of the tea, followed by taking a deep breath in.

Then she was abruptly yelling, her swinging arm spilling tea. “Teleporting, seeing the future, changing my own fucking name on me, what the hell is all of this?!”

Jett paused for a little bit, putting his hand on his chin as he formulated a suitable answer. “Well… The Old Realm would call it instantaneous energy transfer to manipulate the laws of physics. The New Realm just calls it magic and casting spells. It’s all possible thanks to arcane energy, a type of energy unique to here which can be used to turn energy from one type to another.”

“Can you fix my brain, get rid of what Valentine did to me?” As she asked this question, Cal began holding her cup tightly.

“Not necessarily,” Jett said with a shake of his head. “But spending enough time in the Old Realm should make these effects end on their own, once the spells have burnt through the arcane energy that would have built up in your body.”

“I can’t-”

“Go around calling yourself Calamity? I figured, I’m going to visit the archmages in the capital Golden Sun, see about  them removing the spells from you.”

Cal nodded, taking a sip of her tea- finishing the last of it with that sip. Her grip on the cup was tight as she stared Jett right in the eyes. “... Is… Is there anything that can help my husband?” She hoped. She pleaded. She prayed. All in the matter of a few moments she filled her mind with the possibility that this strange new world could help.

But it was Jett’s silence that sunk her away from that, tears starting to stream down her face once more. “I’m sorry…”

Cal gave a slow nod, wiping away the tears from her fur. “N-no, I understand. I… Dear god…”

Jett didn’t say anything, leaning closer and - very gently - putting his hand on Cal’s shoulder, letting her cry for as long as she needed to.

Cry Cal did, tears flowing out through her eyes freely, rolling down her cheeks before dropping onto the floor, not even taking notice of one or two landing in her tea cup.

By the time Cal had gathered up the will to speak, her eyes were soaked with tears - slowly turning to Jett.

“Valentine…” her throat was croaky, pushing through just to speak at all. “And that… reaper… Who are they?”

“Witches.” Jett explained. “Our classification for any criminals that have armed themselves with magic. The “reaper”, Scythe, is wanted with a reward of 13,000 crystals for her capture. I’ve been spending the last few days tracking her down, and I managed to trail her to the Old Realm. But Valentine…” He immediately grimaced, teeth bared at the mere thought of her. “I thought she was dead.”

Cal didn’t notice the scowl on Jett’s face, nor did she notice him hiding it away afterwards. Her mind was caught on one other factor.

“Will I have to worry about them going after me?”

Jett paused, shaking his hand a little. “Well… maybe? They were already kidnapping civilians for experimentation, so they’re likely to keep doing that, or they might be satisfied with a successful variation of the future vision and apply it to themselves. But they could want to get you again. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll advocate that you get some security while we look into removing-”

-CRASH!-

The sudden crash through a window gave Cal a fright - and so did Jett abruptly grabbing her and swinging her out of the way, the fallen tea already forgotten. The crash was caused by a wild animal of some sort, one looked like an eagle, except without any eyes (not even any eye sockets, it was just blank), and its wings were small, far too small to keep itself afloat. And yet it seemed to just hover in the air, striking its beak forward at the two of them - something Jett had responded to by jumping back with Cal before safely letting her back on the ground.

“Get back!” Jett yelled out, kicking the table out in front of the eagle with one leg, while he took out his gun - looking like it was aiming at the eagle on its own, Jett’s arm merely to hold and fire it.

The animal grabbed the table with both talons and rather effortlessly tore it to shreds, before lunging at Jett.

BANG BANG BANG!

The gunshots failed to penetrate its skin, but they did work in knocking it back and giving Jett time to back away. Despite having to move around furniture and not looking at the eagle, his gun was perfectly on point, each and every individual bullet hitting the target despite the recoil.

“What the hell is that?!” Cal yelled out.

BANG BANG BANG!

Jett fired out another volley of shots. But as it charged at him again, he hissed and grabbed Cal, leaping across to the other end of the room as it crashed into the wall. Then he turned back and fired more shots to keep it at bay. “Just run, it’s picked its prey!”

Cal obliged and ran down along the hallway to the other end, while Jett blocked the doorway. The wingless eagle ignored the next volley of shots as it charged forward, one talon slashing across his chest with a pained yell, while another talon grabbed him by the shoulder and chucked him down, his sunglasses tossed off his face and landing on the ground. But instead of striking him again, it flew forwards, charging directly at Cal.

Screaming, she swung the door shut behind herself, barely stalling the thing as it tore into the doorframe and ripped into it without a second’s thought.

Jett got back to his feet, hissing out in pain. After a momentary pause, he shuffled to the left and felt around for something.

The eagle had bore a hole large enough for it to fit through, and began charging at Cal - only to fall short a millimetre away from her face. Jett had grabbed one of its legs with one arm, pulling back against it with all of his strength. It screeched out, turning around to swipe at Jett with its spare talon, only for him to let go and roll underneath it, a long blade in hand with a glowing end.

The hawk was about to charge at Cal once more, only for Jett to lift the sword up, jabbing it directly at the hawk, not even flinching as it struggled in pain against the tip of the sword - the rest of it hanging free. He let go of it, the hawk squirming and then slowly backing away, quickly knocking the sword out of the wound it created.

“Time to go!”

He grabbed Cal around the waist, groaning out in pain at the sharp pain from the bleeding wounds across his chest, before flicking his arm up - the two of them now standing inside of a small room, one that looked like it was for storage.

Cal blinked, whipping her head back to see that the eagle was gone. They just teleported again. Her breathing slowly died down.

They were safe?

She dropped down to the ground as her adrenaline died down.

“There’s no English name for them.” Jett’s voice was strained, the lurker breathing slow, steady breaths between sentences.

“But it’s a nasty creature that traded sight for the ability to sense a target, able to tell where they are in the world. From there, it will only give up and pick a new target if it believes that it’s in too much dang- ergh…!”

He winced again, falling against the wall with a thud, before letting himself slowly slide down. “F-find a snow leopard woman by the name of Grace, tell her I’m in her storage room, and that it’s urgent.”

Cal slowly nodded, backing up and opening the door to see what looked to be a lab. Rows and rows of bottled drinks lined the shelves, each with labels for various things such as “strength”, “speed”, “crab arm”, and “echolocation”.

As confused as Cal was, she didn’t spend much time looking, backing out of the hall and walking through the hall she found herself in at a rather brisk pace. Upon finding a group of kids, Cal rushed up to them and asked about Grace - paying no heed to how strange it would’ve been. To her surprise they not only knew of Grace, but could point Cal straight to her. It probably helped that Cal was clearly panicked, struggling to keep herself calm through this ordeal.

It was only half a minute before she found the snow leopard woman, her smooth fur lining along her rather curvy figure. Her long dress was flowing perfectly fitted to her figure and even showed off a small amount of leg. Between that, the high heels, and the finely brushed hair, it was clear to anyone else that she was proud of her appearance, even as she was focused on speaking with a burly wolf right next to her, giggling at whatever he had said moments prior.

Cal didn’t even notice her appearance, approaching without pause.

She wasn’t alone, the wolf right next to her in the middle of talking. “And then I said “That’s not a bonus, that’s a punishment in disguise!”

Grace let out some laughter in response, though at a glance it would be difficult to tell if it was genuine or not. “So hilarious, you always know what to say handsome~” Her laughter died down as she noticed the dishevelled lynx burst into the room.

“Grace,” Cal mumbled out.

The wolf rolled his eyes, not even looking at Cal. “Leave our fine maiden alone, we’re discussing important business-”

“Jett’s in your storage room, it’s urgent.”

The wolf huffed at being interrupted. “Surely it can- Grace?”

Without even taking another glance at the wolf, Grace made her way out with Cal, closing the door behind herself.

“Wha- hey!”

Grace then pulled out a small wand, holding it up above her head and twirling it around both herself and Cal. Like that they were teleported into the storage room, as Grace looked around, quickly finding where Jett was holed up in.

“Jett,” she huffed. “How many times do I need to tell you that you need to see me before running out of healing potions?” She then backed up, perusing the shelves. “Invisibility”, “Pheromones”, “Reduce Gravity”, ah here it is! “Reverse Injuries”. She uncorked it and then moved up to Jett. She gently put a hand on his back, pouring the liquid into his mouth.

Jett hacked and coughed at being force fed the concoction, but the effects were immediate, the wounds rewinding, as if that eagle was pulling back and undoing its attack to begin with. The wounds were gone after just a few seconds. “Mhm, thanks, beauty,” he said, letting out a deep sigh as he put a hand to his chest, the tears in his shirt the only remaining signs of the attack.

“No need to mention it, handsome~” Grace helped him up to his feet, brushing some dirt off his back.

Cal watched the event, before glancing up to see that Jett’s eyes were faded - not only that, but they weren’t focused on anything at all, staring straight ahead. “Wait… you’re blind?”

Jett’s grin immediately faded, before he cleared his throat and turned in the general direction of Cal. “Yes. I don’t like talking about it.”

“Oh, uhm, sorry,” Cal said softly, backing up.

“So Jett,” Grace said with a smirk on her face. “Want to tell me about your new girl-”

“Stop.” There was no hesitation in cutting her off. “Widow.”

Grace looked over to Cal, seeing her limp posture and tear-stained fur around her eyes, and it was all Grace needed to understand. “Oh, that’s… I’m so sorry to hear. Is there anything I do, miss…?”

Cal gulped, feeling herself get tense. She knew what Grace was hinting towards. “I can’t. They- they took it, forced me to answer to a different name…!”

Grace nodded. “Ah. So let me guess, Mr. Heroic swept in and saved ya, and now you’re going to see if one of the presidents is going to help you out.”

“Presidents…?” Cal asked in a slow tone.

“Whatever they call ‘em in the New Realm,” Grace admitted. “I only go there to practise my potions.”

Potions. Cal looked around at the rows of drinks, staring at the collection. Gills, Enhance Beauty, Gender Change, Nightvision. So that’s why… “These… These are all different potions?”

Grace nodded with an evidently proud hum. “Made over a hundred different types of potions, dear. And I’ve got my private collection on display to trusted guests.”

“Thank you so much Grace,” Jett said softly as he grabbed three spare bottles of “Reverse Injuries”, and one bottle of “Auto-Translate” from the collection before tucking the first three away. “But we need to see about getting her spells removed.” He then followed this up with getting an extra pair of sunglasses, putting them on his face and hiding his dulled out eyes. “I’ll be back to tell you how it went.”

“Okay, tell me all about it when you get back, handsome~”

Jett passed the auto-translate potion to Cal. “Drink up, it’ll automatically translate anything you see or hear for you, it includes 23 New Realm languages and English.”

Grace waved out goodbye as the two of them teleported once more. She then let out a small sigh, putting the empty bottle down to the side.

---

The moment they had arrived Jett was very insistent on getting Cal examined, and to her surprise it was done within an hour. Still, Jett seemed oddly impatient about the whole thing as they had to wait.

But here she was, sitting down on a table while someone was walking in, their robes defying gravity and constantly billowing behind them. “Hello, you came here with Jett Harker, correct?”

Cal gave a slow nod.

“Alright then. Can you please attempt to say your full name?” As they spoke, they raised up a hand, a soft wind blowing through from seemingly nowhere.

Cal tensed up a little as she looked over to who she could only assume was a doctor. “I-”

“I know, we just need an attempt for diagnostic purposes.”

Cal gave a nod, taking a deep breath in. “My name is… Calamity… Grrrrrgh… ahhh!” she yelled out in frustration, her first name coming out as… that, and unable to even bring out her surname.

“Thank you, Sally Vagilattea,” the doctor said with a nod, putting their hands together at the index finger and thumb. Then they slowly pulled both hands apart, a thin blue light forming. The light then solidified into a glowing crystal, which the doctor put down on the nearby desk before turning back to Cal. “Next, can you try calling yourself Calamity?”

Cal gave a slow nod, letting out a sigh. “Okay… My name is Calamity.”

The doctor gave a small grimace. “Okay, so it’s not a basic curse… Alright, this might take a minute, but I’m going to try bringing in someone who’s name is also Sally. Alright?”

Cal blinked. “Uh… sure, but why?”

“To continue examining the type of curse before we go about dismantling it.” They backed up into the room with a black pane of glass, and indeed she was left to her own thoughts for the time being. How could she go back home like this?

… How could she go back without John…

Finally the doctor came in with a woman to their side. “Alright, this is Sally. Say hello to her, and use her name please.”

Cal blinked, slowly lifting her head. “Uh… hi, Sally-” she let out a gasp. That- that was her name, but-

“Hello, Sally.”

“Oh, I prefer to be called Cal… uh, uhm… The one syllable of-”

“I understand,” the other Sally said softly. “Sorry, Sal.”

“... This curse was competently made. Thank you for your time.” The doctor motioned the other Sally away, who gave a thumbs up before teleporting out.

“You’re going to go to sleep,” the doctor said softly. “And hopefully when you wake up you’ll be able to say your name again.”

Cal nodded. “Please.”

The doctor gently put a hand to Cal’s forehead. “That’s right, lots of melatonin…”

Cal felt herself growing drowsier and drowsier, her eyelids refusing to stay open… She’s… never felt this…

… tired…

…

… What…?

Oh, right… It was the doctor… Did they fix her? Can she call herself Cal again?

Oh…

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said softly. “This curse was built to last, you’ll need a dedicated team working on your mind to detangle this. Or we could force you to stay in the Old Realm, and let the arcane energy out over time. But that would require staying in the Old Realm, and who’d really want to do that?” They let out a small chuckle at the apparent joke? What was funny?

“I can’t go back with my name like this,” Cal insisted, eyes widened. “I can’t just go around to my family and say “hey my name’s Calamity for a bit”! I just can’t!”

The doctor was silent at first, raising an eyebrow. “... Wait, you actually live there?”

Cal slowly nodded.

“... I know Mr. Harker is the top ranking witch hunter, but the Old Realm? Seriously, who would he expect to find there?”

“Wait, what?”

The doctor raised a brow. “Oh, right. An Old Realmer wouldn’t know about magic.”

Cal gave a slow, hesitant nod. “... Is Jett here? Can I speak with him?”

The doctor gave a nod. “I’ll call him in.”

The doctor grabbed the glowing bar and pocketed it away, and then left out through the front door, and in a few minutes Jett came walking in.

“C- Sal?” he asked out softly, letting out a very faint clicking noise as he made his way closer.

“It didn’t work,” Cal said softly, feeling tears starting to well up in her eyes. “And I can’t just go back home like this.”

Jett let out a soft hum, sitting down right next to Cal. “Well… Hm… If they couldn’t fix it up, then you’d have to visit the Old Realm to get it to go through. Plus even if you don’t go back you could at least ring your friends and family to explain what’s going on.”

“Do you think they’ll really believe that mages killed my husband and took me to a magic world?”

“I think teleportation would be pretty convincing.”

“... That’s true…”

Jett put a hand to his chin as he thought to himself. “Let’s see… where you can stay… I can see if Grace would be willing, she’d be able to defend you with her potions.”

“Aren’t you going to?”

“Can’t, I’ve been tracking Scythe down for days, and with Valentine at her side I’m going to have to act fast before they can do anything else.”

“... Jett?” Cal asked softly.

“Yes?”

“What did she mean when she called you a witch hunter?”

Weirdly, Jett responded by saying witch hunter to himself twice, before giving a slow nod. “Ah, yes, that makes sense. So witch has a very different connotation in English. Here it’s just what we call powerful mages with an active criminal record. You need someone with specialised abilities to even track down a witch, hence witch hunter.”

“So you’ve been tracking down Valentine for that reason?”

Jett shook his head. “Valentine was listed as dead for 10 years. To think she’s spent all this time scot free, able to do whatever she wanted… I can’t let her get away, not again…”

“Again?”

Jett stood up, not even acknowledging the question. “I’m going to bring you over to Grace, and then I’m going to continue tracking them.”

Cal slowly nodded, standing up as well. “You know where they’re going next?”

“You said they’re after the Final Spell, so if I follow that I’ll be able to follow them.” Jett then gently grabbed Cal, waving an arm to cast his teleport spell, the both of them back at Grace’s potion storage in an instant.

“I’ll be just a second,” Jett said as he backed out through the doors, leaving Cal alone. She wandered through the room, looking at more rows of potions. Then she opened the door just to take a proper look at the hallway. It looked surprisingly plain for what should be someone’s house, but there was a window outside. Looking over, she saw that there was an orphanage sitting right nearby. Huh.

As she was looking she soon saw Jett and Grace coming right back, quickly moving back into the potion room.

Grace opened the door for her friend. “So, just so we’re all clear, you want Sally to stay here for her safety, right near the orphanage, while you go track down the witches who put her in danger, on the off-chance that they go after her?”

“... Yes?” Jett asked aloud, tilting his head slightly.

Grace let out a sigh, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, but it’s just too close to the children, you know I can’t accept that in good faith.

Jett was silent for a moment, giving a slow nod. “... Right. Well, uh…” He stopped and put a hand to his chin, trying to think of a back-up place to take her, even just temporarily.

“Th-the name’s Cal- ergh…” Cal clenched her fists up. She took a deep breath in, closing her eyes. “... It’s not Calamity, it’s Cal. If that makes sense.”

Grace gave a small nod. “It makes sense, Sal.”

Thank god, that worked.

Finally, an idea came to Jett. “I can maybe scrounge up enough from my budget to get a proper bodyguard for Sal… Wait, no they’re going to demand extra for being forced to be in the Old Realm… Maybe a really cheap one…”

Grace let out a sigh, shaking her head. “Sal can stay one night. But no longer, we will need to think of somewhere for Sal to stay while the magic runs its course.”

“Thank you so much, Grace,” Jett said with a heavy sigh. “I owe you a ton for this.”

“I know, I know.” Grace let out a sigh. “And before you go, you haven’t told me what actually happened.”

Jett nodded. “Uh, right. Well, take a seat.”

Cal obliged, taking a seat in kind as Jett began telling his side. She knew most of what happened already, but anything was better than thinking about… John…

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