#i am just genuinely so confused how people are praising the writing itself as great and brilliant and wonderful and poetic

[jankwritten]

ALSO THE WAY THAT THE BOOK STARTS IS JUST SO INFURIATING TO ME! OKAY!

Like I get it. It's supposed to be a funny haha joke that it's not that serious of a decision, but that tone IMMEDIATELY gets confused by Nico seeming genuinely nervous about how the others are going to respond to his answer?? So then we spend the whole rest of the scene wondering if we're actually supposed to think Nico finds this decision so scary and hard, or if he's making a lighthearted joke out of it, because IT CAN'T BE BOTH.

(And, also, considering the shit that Nico's been through, it almost feels distasteful for him to be like "This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make, in fact I don't think I can actually make it at all" even in jest, but that might just be because they don't fully commit to that drama through the whole scene and therefore it falls COMPLETELY flat)

[goodluckclove]

Hey. Stop scrolling for a second.

You scroll through writeblr a lot, don't you? I get why. Lots of fun people, interesting concepts and prompts. But maybe you haven't taken that jump from collecting resources on writing to actually writing.

Once again, I get it. It's daunting if you've never done it before. I've been doing it for a while and I genuinely can't think too hard about the act itself as it happens or else I get all sweaty and confused. I flopped spectacularly at a game of Scrabble tonight because I just ran out of words to think of and I'm in the middle of my 13th novel. Writing to me is like side-eyeing the sun - but that's besides the point.

What I mean is that you should do it. That idea that you think could be, might be, maybe has potential. More than that, I think you should do it right now. Right now.

Ooh but Clove, it's one AM and I have to do open heart surgery tomorrow. Cool. Write three sentences and go to sleep, then see if you want to do more after you get your license revoked.

But what if it's not good? Okay. What if it isn't? But what if it isn't, and it GETS good later? Or what if it isn't, but then later in the story you find a way to make those three initial sentences make sense? Three sentences isn't a story, unless you're Ernest Hemingway or a Haiku Man. Moving on.

Clove, where do I start? Honestly if you've never finished a project, or really never wrote anything at all, maybe just start at the point that sounds the most interesting in your head. To find the process that works for you takes work and experience so maybe for now you get dessert for dinner.

But I don't have an outline/character sheet/world map/mood board/playlist/ECT! Cool. Maybe that's an issue. Maybe it isn't. There's only one way to find out.

But it's hard! It's hard at first and then it gets easier. It's a muscle. You work at it consistently and you'll get to a point where you struggle to remember what it was like to not know how to write.

But it's painful! Hah yeah. That's kind of the more honest issue, isn't it. It's easier to think that your idea WOULD BE GREAT rather than face the fact that you might not be able to MAKE IT GREAT. That fear isn't based in reality, though. People like different things. You might write a work that you're displeased with in one aspect and find that it's changed someone else's life for a completely different reason.

What if I'm not a good writer? I struggle with this a lot and I've been published. It doesn't really go away even when people cry at your work and heap praise on it. But if you like to do it, if you would still be doing it even if there was no end promise of fame and success, you should do it.

What if I'm not a writer at all? I used to ask myself that. There are lots of answers to this question so I can only give my own: you are a writer if you write - past, present or future. If you haven't written in a long time but you're trying to get back to the craft, you are still a writer. You just have to keep trying.

What we do is half-trade, half-religious act, and because of that it is easily one of the weirder passions. I don't really get why people romanticize the field but at the same time I guess it seems pretty magical at times. As a writer, though, our job is to be the proverbial Man Behind the Curtain. You have to know how the magic trick works enough to do it successfully, but you also still have to be amazed. It's weird. I don't know why I do it.

I still do it though.

Write three sentences. Right now. Why not, right? If you send them to me in an ask I'll read them, or you can send them to me at my email address that I posted a few posts back because I'm old enough to know online safety and choose to ignore it. Or just do it for yourself.

Make something. You deserve to be a source of creation.

[transsexualhamlet]

Moriarty the Patriot + The Final Problem

aka another unecessary essay from ya boy on how yuumori, instead of taking away from the original text, adds meaning and depth to it

So I finally got around to reading the final problem after wading through all the memoirs of sherlock holmes and yes, I am in fact reading these because of yuumori. I wanted to see how it was portrayed, what the differences and influences from the original source were. I did end up getting incredibly attached to the original series too, so yeah... I'm glad to report that the original and adaption get along well.

And yeah, I have a lot of thoughts, most of them being just me generally praising yuumori. I think it was straight up genius how they pulled so much content from... well, frankly. The Final Problem was a 15 page short story tossed off by Doyle in order to have an excuse to be done with sherlock holmes, told from the perspective of someone who wasn't even there. And yuumori still managed to make it generally very accurate and complementary to the original, while still being, uhhhhh really fucking different, let's say that.

Read more because again, long essay

Just my observations on the final problem itself is that it is so underdeveloped and told from an outsider perspective. Because of that, so many questions go unanswered, and the reader gets a sense that they are only witnessing a very small part of what actually happened. Sherlock can't afford to go into detail on what Moriarty was even involved in, Watson isn't privy to what's honestly even happening most of the time, and Moriarty just... has this extensive network of organized crime that just isn't even talked about other than Trust Me It's Bad Bro. We don't know Moriarty's intentions, most of who he is, and more questions are honestly brought up than answered within the story. Sherlock knows, oh that's for sure, Sherlock knows what's going on and he has no fucking time to tell Watson. You get a sense that Watson himself isn't even telling all that went down.

So yeah, I can see where there's so much room to expand upon here, not even to change things or make it different because it would be cool, but there's so much that could be happening just within the realm of plausible deniability in the canon.

And I think that it's amazing how Yuumori chose to market itself that way- not as an adaption or reimagining- but that this was in fact the Real story, with Doyle's final problem being... honestly a bit of a cover up, a purposeful misrepresentation of a small slice of the full story. It lends itself completely to that, and I think that's amazing.

(One thing I do find funny is that in Yuumori the story "the final problem" is depicted as a full novella that could be published on its own... man it's not nearly long enough for that but I find it funny in any way)

Of course, there are elements of yuumori that are yknow, simply not realistically something that could have happened, but most of the story is actually within that range of plausible deniability since the canon is so vague and sparse. And since they state that things were changed on purpose to protect people and the moriarty plan, it basically covers that all as simply The Truth. It's well done, and very interesting, especially with the new anime ending taking them to Reichenbach itself.

Like, yuumori didn't even truly change the appearances of the characters, from the descriptions. (we're not counting the illustrations lol) like, Sherlock was never stated (as far as I can tell) to have a specific hair or eye color, hairstyle or such.... he was described as tall, thin, eccentric, messy, with like... long fingers and stuff. Man, yuumori did not go against that. With Moriarty it's different, though he was also reportedly Tall and Thin and Built Like A Yaoi Protag for some goddamn reason, he... you know, has these weird and unattractive features as well, which... in the context of Watson trying to portray Moriarty as unmitigated evil in order to protect the plan, were in this situation made up specifically to further the idea that he was just that.

Because of this situation, the Moriarty that is portrayed as yeah, a smart guy and a threat but seriously just A Bad Dude who seems to have no particular reason behind his actions save being A Bad Dude actually make more sense as a cover up behind a more dangerous secret of him having Real Feelings than the only stated reason being "he inherited being evil from his family". (like... watson, really?)

It explains the vagueness and the events and the weird connection between those two better than the original does, and that's really cool to me.

On their own, without yuumori to back me up on these things, reading this would have left me confused and depressed. But as a half truth immortalized as the real story, you get so much more out of it.

Especially these certain scenes:

When Moriarty just pops into Sherlock's house and they proceed to have a basically wordless conversation amounting to

"you know why I'm here" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "here's date and time of our mutual destruction" "thanks I'll be there" "well I'll be off nice knowing you" "wow it sucks that we're enemies he's such a civil guy"

It just really adds something to that, don't you think?

And the subject of their fall itself, simply the fact that Watson wasn't even there. No one witnessed it. No one found even Moriarty's body. No one found evidence of anything at all.

All Watson could say was that Sherlock and Moriarty had gone up to the mountain together, Moriarty told Sherlock of his plans, let Sherlock write and leave a letter to Watson, and that they never came back down. So he came to the conclusion that they must have fought and both fallen off.... like, holding each other. Not really sure how they reached that conclusion, to be honest.

It doesn't even make sense, exactly told how it is. If Moriarty wanted to kill sherlock and survive, he would have just... brought a fucking gun. Or just pushed him off on the way up. As soon as he got him alone just fucking stab the man. It would have been that easy, but no, he had a whole ass convo with the man, they went up civilly side by side, and they stayed on the cliff a long time while Sherlock wrote that letter. Even then, Sherlock could have just waited to catch Moriarty off guard and pushed him off. But he didn't.

Why would they even have fought, if it was so scheduled? You telling me to believe that after this letter was written and moriarty stood there watching him sipping tea or whatever he was suddenly like "ok im ready to fight now", knowing they would both probably die, and if they were genuinely trying to kill each other and survive, that would even make sense?

Of course, these problems in the original stem just from Doyle no longer giving a shit and slapping this together after losing motivation for sherlock, he was obviously, not hinting at some great conspiracy in the slightest.

But damn, Yuumori really does change that all for you, huh. It adds a whole new layer of context to it. And I like it a lot, I like what they've done on their own, I like what they've done for the original stories, and I especially like what they've done telling the "real story" of this short, vague, mystery that otherwise leaves you feeling unsatisfied and confused.

[lesbianecrivain]

Retourne-toi!

Summary:  Denise decides to travel, hoping to take her mind off everything, only to end up doing more work as she makes the mistake of admiring a castle that has remained hidden from humanity for years.

AO3 link HERE! 

(I’ll be posting all of the chapters on AO3. If you liked this, check that out more often because updates would be there. This is not too related with the game. F/F pairing)

Warning for a little bit of violence when OC remembers her childhood. Also, should I continue this? Reviews and kudos are highly appreciated!! 💕

Now, let us simp for the tall vampire~

------------

Chapter 1: Wandering Traveller

The wars never stopped. Up until today, humans still fight amongst themselves for silly reasons instead of working together to be united. Anyone would want to take a break from all these wars. Especially someone who had done everything they could to, at least, lessen or slow the effects of these unending wars. So, that is what Denise Rodriguez is going to do. She took a break from everything, flew back to her country hoping to feel snow again. She really loves the snow despite having low tolerance for cold. If lucky, there might be children on the street who would be willing to play snowball fight with her. A smile broke the straight line on her lips at the thought, heart warming at the images of children smiling as they throw the snowballs at each other. She couldn't wait to reach their destination, she made sure that the place is snowing this time of the year. Having been born from the tropical side of the planet, snow can quite be something desirable for someone like Denise. Something spectacular and worthy of attention and praises.

Here Denise was, sitting by the window seat and staring at the bright cloudy yet calm view outside, a small smile playing on her lips as the plane continued heading towards its destination. Only a few more hours until they reach Europe. Her heart bloomed at the thought of returning to a land that it acknowledged as home more than her land of origin.

When Denise opened her eyes, the sun was not shining anymore. A grin crept up to her face. The person beside Denise stared at her weirdly before going off with their own life. Denise couldn't care less though, she is finally back and she would never allow a mere stranger to ruin her vacation here. She will be staying here for some time, taking the opportunity to stay here for as long as she'd like to. Perks of dual citizenship. She badly needs a break from handling a lot of environmental issues and having to provide for hundreds of students, she almost forgot about her corporation. Yes, when she says she needs a break, she needs a damn break. From everything, especially her other country that has been a shit show ever since she became aware—this having started when she reached twelve years of age, and she is in her early 30's now. It has been a long time yet within the years she lived in her country, not even a single road in her street has been fixed.

"Alright," She muttered, bracing herself while her hand gripped her baggage tightly. "Romania, here I come!"

Denise went straight to her house and after organizing the stuff she brought, she glanced at her phone. There laid on her bright screen, 19:34 in black as her eyes wandered to the other time zones as well. The way to her house was splendid, she can't help but to marvel at the various infrastructures that passed as she rode the taxi despite seeing them for the nth time. She has observed how great the difference is between this foreign land and her own, and then she was again further disappointed with her own land. Enough of that, she is here to free herself of worry, Denise reminds herself, eyes quickly ridding of all the gloom and anger as they caught sight of the marble structure that she has been longing for ever since she departed from this land two years ago. She has always been a regular here the moment she found out about this place, around seven years ago. They just served the best pizzas Denise has ever known to exist, though that could change when she further travels across Europe in the future.

"Miss Rodriguez!"

Denise smiled at the chipper servant and greeted them back just as gleeful. She is glad to know that they are the same servant from two years ago. Even the other staff smiled at their guest, knowing how prominent she is in this place, seeing that she is a regular customer here and actually treated them properly than how other customers would, disregarding them as if they were lower than them.

"Denise!"

Her head turned toward the all-too-familiar light voice, almost squeaking, as soon as their eyes caught sight of Denise. A wide grin set itself comfortably on her lips, turning around to open her arms, preparing to envelop whoever had greeted her.

"Sophie!" Denise was too slow to react as the other woman practically threw herself in her arms. "Looks like someone had missed me," she chuckled, patting Sophie on her small back.

"You damn bet I do," Sophie pulled away but the smile on her lips was relentless. "I told them all to prepare your favorites as soon as you informed me that you will be coming here, and it seems like I am not the only one who missed you,"

Confusion was briefly on Denise's face then her eyes darted behind Sophie. There she saw people carrying a tray, enough to feed all the people inside, with smiles plastered on their faces. Denise knew herself that she couldn't finish it all by herself. Sophie seemed to close the restaurant earlier because the only people here are the staff, herself, and Denise, their guest. Warmth spread through the small woman like a drop of milk spreading lightness to a black coffee.

"Y'all," Denise shook her head in disbelief. "C'mere, let's eat. I cannot finish these all by myself!"

The place was filled with laughter, the faint glow of gold surrounding the place and adding to the calming and light atmosphere. They all took a seat on the long table with Denise on the head and Sophie on her side while the staff sat along by them. They all looked genuinely happy, as if this was the only time they could take a break from all the stress the day has brought upon. The wide grins, sounds of soft laughter filling the room, and the gleam in each of their eyes were enough to take Denise's worries away, even for the briefest moment.

"Y'all didn't have to do this," She told them, shaking her head.

"But we wanted to!" chorused most of the staff while some just kept smiling at her. Sophie then raised a brow in her direction. "Save your irrational guilt, sunshine," she told the small woman who seemed to be rethinking her decision of informing her of her coming. "We missed you and here is our way of showing you. So, shut up and eat, young lady, we've got so much to catch up on."

"Alright, Soph," Denise sighed in defeat yet the grin never left her face. "Y'all dig in too! I'm tipping all of you extra because y'all look extremely happy right now," and that warms my heart, Denise wanted to add but didn't want to sound cheesy or seem like a softie as she wasn't either of those.

Sophie hummed her disagreement. "Ugh ugh, this one's on the house! You keep eat—"

"No." interrupted Denise with a frown. "The least I can do is to pay and leave a huge amount of tip for you all individually, and no Sophie, this is not up for a debate."

Denise was determined and Sophie knew that there is no way she can convince the raven-haired woman when she is determined. She shook her head and released a sigh. "Fine, you are lucky you're handsome."

Denise was thankful for her brown complexion that a blush didn't appear on her cheeks at the sudden compliment. She wouldn't want to be blushing in front of anyone. She coughed, "So, how's everything with you?" She said, clearly dismissing the compliment and hoping that her friend wouldn't push it.

"Eh, nothing eventful while you were gone. Same old same.." Sophie shrugged, mind wandering to the events in her life in the past two years that Denise was gone. "How about you, busy bee? I've seen you on some article while I was surfing the net last night.." She grinned then teased the smaller woman, nudging her softly with her elbow, "You're really doing something big out there! Planning to contribute positively to the world along with a bunch of other stuff!"

At this, Denise's hand crept to the back of her head where her palm was able to feel her shaved head, all while she huffed as she smiled. Maybe it was the time where she joined in one of the protests against the passing of a ridiculous nonsensical bill. "I'm not doing 'something big', you silly," She rolled her eyes at the exaggeration. She doesn't want anyone thinking that what she is doing is grand, especially with all her wealth. "I'm just doing my responsibility as an inhabitant of this world.." She shrugged, and in her defense, she really was although Sophie has told her a lot of times that she is being a hero by doing so. But, Denise had quickly countered that what she does is not a heroic act but her moral obligation as a human. It would be natural to want to help in any way you can, at least that is how Denise thinks, which further amazes Sophie.

"Well, whatever you say," Sophie took a sip from her glass. "How long do you plan to stay? And tell me all the places you'd go to!! Maybe I can tag along if you want to or if I've got the time..."

"I think I'm gonna stay for a while and go to the old times.." Denise explained when confusion crossed Sophie's expression. "I plan on visiting this ancient village. I heard that the sceneries there are spectacular.. I'm going for this old-y vibes for my book that I'm currently writing.. and I plan to take pictures as well." Then she showed Sophie her phone which displayed the village she is referring to. The other woman nodded approvingly at her choice as she kept scrolling through the pictures.

"Well, what exactly are you looking for?"

Denise shrugged as she put her phone back to her pocket. "Nothing really specific.. If I go there and feel it, I would immediately take a picture. I hope to find an abandoned infrastructure or if I'm lucky enough, maybe a castle?"

Sophie grinned at her. "Look at you being all things at once," elbow nudged Denise again, urging her to shake her head. "I really wonder how the hell you're able to do all your responsibilities at once!"

Denise rolled her eyes. "That is why I'm taking a break, silly."

A chuckle bubbled its way out of her throat. Laughter filled the room along with the small conversations among the staff and themselves. Having this unfold in front of her prompted another smile on Denise's lips as one word screamed loud in her mind;

Home.

—————

Denise would have already started her travel, or adventure as she likes to call it, the day after she met with Sophie; however, works keep holding her back and as a result, she has been occupied by them for a whole week, unable to do anything exciting and relaxing other than to play her musical instruments or catch up on series. Why couldn't she just bring her stuff along with her so she could work when she reaches wherever she wants to go? Denise isn't certain if the area she plans to go to has internet or even supply of electricity. Either way, she finally has finished all her follow-up tasks, releasing a sigh—whether it be from relief, exhaustion, or both—as her palm pushed down the screen of her laptop.

"Fucking finally," She sighs again, leaning back on her office chair. She rubs her eyes before closing them. The silence in her home provided a calming effect after her long day of work. Imagine coming here to relax only to be haunted by those damned works. The city was calm. The loud sirens fading from a distance, honking of the car horns, and sometimes a loud chatter would bloom from a small crowd, created a soft cadence lulling Denise to sleep on her position that she would surely regret next morning. But, whatever worry she may have for tomorrow was left unthought of as the night progressed with much ease she hasn't had for quite a while.

The same calm she has been seeking for.

The following morning, the dull ache on her back was quicker than her eyes to open and be aware of their surroundings. "Dammit," grumbled Denise with her voice hoarse. She slowly stood up, still groggy from waking from such a deep slumber that she hasn't had for a while. Her hand immediately reached to rub her back, seeking for relief albeit brief, before she proceeded to go to the bathroom to clean herself. After doing her morning routine—cleaning herself, exercising then eating breakfast, Denise started prepping for her long journey. She had informed Sophie that she will be gone for quite a while and that her brunette friend may occupy her house during her leave, to which the restaurant owner quickly agreed to—saving both of them time and money.

Denise felt like a scout because of all the things she is going to bring with her. She nearly brought her house with her. Better ready than not, she thinks to herself as she packed her razor that she uses to keep her head shaved. Along with that are the various tools she deemed necessary (she brought her toolbox), and some weapons that are easy to hide and bring, for precaution. She also packed a lot of foods and clothings, and of course, money. After packing all of those stuff, she went to put her portable generator on the back of her van, just in case.

When she is satisfied with everything, Denise ceased her movements before sitting on her couch, a sigh escaping past her lips before she could even think of it. She took a deep breath and then closed her eyes, letting the silence envelop her in its tranquilizing arms. The comfort se found in silence started reminding her a moment from her childhood. Something she didn't want to remember. It was midnight back then and she jolted up from her bed because of the tingling sensation in her abdomen. Realizing this, she stood up and went downstairs, only to halt on her way as she heard a whimper below— on the living room where her parents sleep. The lights were off but the soft glow emanating from the television was enough to show her father strangling her mother. At that very moment, Denise completely forgot about her bladder's needs and went straight back to the bedroom she shared with her siblings as silent as she could. The confusion, fear, anger, disappointment, and sadness that she felt that night were too overwhelming. Since then, she promised to herself that she would never marry or have children if she would only act like her father.

"I am so ready!!" Denise practically bounced as she moved, hopping like a bunny on a meadow, as she stepped into her huge van. She decided to bring some of her musical instruments and some of her books to have something to keep herself entertained. Sophie stood by her doorway, waving and smiling at her as she drove away and into the unknown.

Denise had promised that she would take a lot of pictures so that when she shows them to her, Sophie would feel as if she were with her all along her journey. She hasn't reached her destination yet, however, the tall trees she kept passing by as she was hours into her drive were always able to amaze and put a smile on her face. Nature has always been enough to make all her worries drift away, one of the reasons why she does all her best to take care of it. She is a devoted environmentalist, writing articles about the issues regarding nature in her free time while also using her resources for further development of restoration of deforested lands. It may seem like a big work, just like what Sophie insists because it truly is, but for Denise herself it isn't. She loves what she is doing, she wouldn't feel the exhaustion if she weren't mortal. Unfortunately, she must take breaks every now and then for her to be able to continue doing her passion.

After two days of driving and taking breaks to get some sleep, Denise finally arrived at the said village. She immediately felt the atmosphere she needs for the inspiration of both her book and its cover. The village itself wasn't grand, quite the opposite. The way of living here seemed to be simple almost as if the people here are still living in the olden days, and she thought it is possible that they still are. She parked her van near the entrance of the village. The village was small so she didn't bother bringing her van inside, for it would be easier to leave it outside of the village. She greeted the people who met her eyes with a small smile, hoping that they are not hostile to tourists. Thankfully, she felt welcomed enough although some just glanced at her and didn't really pay her any attention but at least no one scowled at her. She doesn't plan on staying here for too long. In fact, after she bought some supplies and asked for the elder for permission to take pictures and after taking pictures, she was already bidding her goodbye and gratitude to the elder before she hopped back to her van.

Something in the north caught her eye as she scrolled through the pictures she's taken, which pulled her gaze away from her camera. The sun was still up, there's still time for her to travel further and find a place to park her van safely— she doesn't need to spend night in a hotel or motel since her van is big enough to host, but she still needs a place to stay for her security. Denise carefully placed her camera back to its place, securing it, then proceeded to drive further up north. What caught her eyes is the enormous structure that seems like a mountain covered in snow on top, a perfect scenery to add to her choices. But as she neared the said mountain, another caught her sight. This time, she also completely forgot what it is that she went for as she was utterly amazed by the sight in front of her eyes.

Her mind couldn't think of anything except;

Perfection.

A castle. It hadn't been in the map nor did the elder of the village informed her of this. It wasn't even on Google when she searched for this area. She thought that maybe this beauty was meant to remain hidden from the outside world. The reason behind for this possibility? She couldn't care. All she could give a damn about is that she finally found what she is hoping to see. So, she did what any people would do. She took her bag and her camera before stepping out of her van—making sure to bring the keys with her, after she parked it in front of the gates.

"Woah," Denise couldn't help but gape at the infrastructure.

Jackpot, she internally celebrates.

The structure seemed to be a mixture of both Gothic and Romanesque style, with its round walls yet pointed arches and stained glasses. Overall, the castle was impressive. Its walls were enough to tell about its age, which to Denise's opinion, this castle might have been built around 18th century. She went to the gate, searching for any doorbell or anything that would notify the inhabitants of the castle—if there were—of its visitors, only to find none. But, luckily, she found out that the gate is left unlocked. Maybe, the castle is abandoned? Denise thinks then smiles as she proceeds further outside the castle grounds. The gate squeaked as Denise pushed it slightly just enough for her figure to fit perfectly.

Denise walked around as if she were strolling around the zoo for the first time, gaping at the size and the details of the castle. The castle emanated a vibe she can't quite put her finger on. She wasn't sure what it was but she felt calm and relaxed. This is perfect for my book, she thinks as she turned around once more to gape at the place. She felt like a person entering an aquarium for the first time, amazed by all the aquatic creatures.

When she was in the middle of the property, not inside the castle yet since the outside was a wide space that would have been green if it weren't winter, Denise finally pulled her camera to her chest. Hesitation kept holding her back. She doesn't want to take pictures without the owner's or at least the caretaker's permission, but whom would she ask if there seemed to be no one to ask for permission? Denise felt as if she just invaded the property despite not going fully inside the castle. She felt horrible, knowing that she must desert the place because she doesn't have the permission to be here, yet the curiosity and wonder in her became stronger than the guilt she felt creeping in her earlier. And soon enough, the latter completely overthrew any hesitation she had.

"Just one picture," Denise promised to no one in particular, trying to drown the voice in her head that screams at her to just walk away. "Let me take just one picture of this masterpiece, then I will leave." Her eyes closed in concentration as she did her best to drown any guilt creeping in her. Obviously, she didn't listen to the rational part of herself as she went to crouch and angled her camera where it covers mostly the upper part of the castle together with the plain sky and the snow falling.

It was perfect, the shot she took was splendid. Denise smiled to herself as she dusted herself off while getting up. A smile graced her face before she could even process it. She took another look at the single picture she took, after all she promised that she would only take one picture then she will go away, and that is what she is about to do if it weren't for the picture she took. The curve on her lips was immediately set straight.

Something caught her eyes the longer she stared at the picture. There. In one of the castle windows, there stood something—someone, she wasn't sure which, but it seemed to be a figure dressed in white and smiling down at her? Denise shook her head, closed her eyes then took a deep breath before looking at the picture again, squinting her eyes at it. It was still there, the...she wasn't sure what name to put to it... The creature? Either way, it doesn't seem like this castle is abandoned at all. She took one last glance at the part of the castle where she also caught the figure. There was no one there. Not the dress, not the smile, not the figure, nothing. Only darkness. Weird. Maybe it had been one of her imaginations? But she looked at the picture and the same figure was smiling at her. It couldn't be her mind's doings. Maybe the castle wasn't abandoned at all, and maybe she could ask for permission? All while Denise thinks what she could do to be more polite to whoever is living inside the wondrous castle, standing dumbly in the middle of nowhere, another thought occurred to her. This one she didn't like;

What if they're not human?

[beardrabbles]

THIN ICE

rating: k

words: 1796

characters: female stark reader, peter parker, tony stark

notes: ( ao3 request ) I deleted the chapter with the request like the dummy I am, but the gist of it was reader is a Stark, and Peter is frightened of Tony after learning that. Been a while, but I’m glad to be writing for you all again! :D

tags: none

“Weather’s nice…”

“Mhmm.”

“Would really suck if it was raining.”

“Yeah, it would.”

You spare a moment to glance at the boy beside you and find him muttering quietly to himself, the tone reprimanding and self-depreciating. Without meaning to, you giggled. You had fully anticipated waiting alone on the edge of the street, but another had arrived not long after you had. Clearly, the ones that had promised to pick you up were late, forcing awkward interaction between you and the one with splotchy, red cheeks. Although, now that you were getting a longer look at him — with his pushed back hair and his kind eyes — something about him seemed familiar.

“I feel like I’ve seen you before, but I don’t remember you being in any of my classes.” You turned to him, giving him your undivided attention. “Have we met before?”

The boy chuckled nervously and gave his lean shoulders a shrug. “I don’t think we have. I mean, aside from now. Now we’ve met.”

“Have we?” You arched a brow, and it only made him redder still. “Cause it still doesn’t feel like I know who you are.”

“Oh, yeah! Parker. Uh, Peter.” He held a hand out and smiled twitchily.

“Peter Parker? Nice to meet you. My name is (Y/N).” You were sure to avoid saying your last name, and he didn’t seem to catch that. Your first name was enough to make his eyes light up and his posture slacken even after you placed your hand in his.

“(Y/N). That’s a nice name.” He shook your hand for a second too long, but was prompt in dropping it after he realized how long he’d held it for. “You waiting for someone to pick you up?”

“Yeah, my dad.” You rolled your eyes and looked down both ends of the street, but didn’t spot the car you knew your father was driving. There was always the possibility it would blend in, except your father’s car was far from dusty or rusty or average. You knew for an absolute fact that you’d recognize it from miles away, and you had yet to see it after waiting nearly an hour. “Figures he’d be late.”

“I dunno, I’m kind of glad he’s late. Wouldn’t have been able to talk to you if he got here on time.” Peter became flushed again, and so did you. “Hey, I know this is sudden, but would you wanna hang out with me and my friends tomorrow? We were going to get pizza and relax a little before tests start next week.”

“Relaxing before tests? No studying?”

“It’s Ned’s idea, and I think he’s right. We can only study so much, and pizza’s good.” Peter laughed, and you joined in soon after.

“He is right. Y’know, I’ve been here for about a week and I’ve done nothing but run around. Keeping up with my classes, getting used to being in a new state, new school, not knowing anyone — it’s a pain. I think vegging out over some pizza would do me some good.”

“Great! Here.” Peter fished out his phone and handed it over. “So I can tell you where we’re meeting.”

“Good idea.” He didn’t give you the impression that he was doing this just to get your number, but you would have given it to him either way. Peter seemed nice and a little dorky, but you knew you could be too.

You tapped your number into his phone, and he was quick to send you a text so you could add his number in exchange. The single pizza slice emoji elicited a giggle before you put your phone away. “So, are you waiting for someone too?”

Peter nodded and began to rock on the soles of his sneakers. “Yeah! My mentor’s got something planned for me, and he said he’d pick me up today to make things easier.”

“Mentor? Are you an intern?” You would have been more surprised, but most of the students you now shared a school with were smart enough to own their own business.

“It’s not a big deal.” Peter shrugged modestly and looked down at his feet. “It’s just some big, hot-shot guy. Super cool. His tech is beyond what I expected. Loads smarter than me, but he’s teaching me so much. He’s kind of the best, but I think he already knows that.”

“Not a big deal, huh?” You laughed and nudged him with your shoulder. “He sounds pretty great. Who is it?”

“Oh, uh... You’ve heard of him. Everyone has.” His hesitation was endearing but ill timed. As he struggled with the balance between modesty and excited bragging, a car pulled up alongside the street. The slick, black exterior still managed to glisten despite the overcast sky and the looming threat for rain. The windows were tinted, of course, but you knew who sat in the driver’s seat.

“Looks like Dad finally decided to show up.” You adjusted the pack on your back and grinned towards Peter, but all you saw was confusion.

“Dad? But that’s Mr. Stark’s car.”

It was your turn to look at him strangely. “Mr. Stark? You sound like one of the people that works for him.”

“I don’t work for him, but——”

“He idolizes me.” Tony stepped out of the car, a cheeky smirk on his lips. “Who doesn’t?” 

You wanted to groan loudly at your father’s mountain sized ego, but you had less self-centered people to talk to at the moment. Addressing Peter again, you had only one question. “Let me guess, he’s the mentor you were talking about?”

“He never told me he had a daughter!” Peter balked.

“You never asked.” Tony countered. He moved around the nose of the car, brown eyes peering over the tops of his sunglasses. “I had a feeling you two would run into each other eventually.”

“How come I haven’t run into her while working with you?” Peter looked between the two of you, spotting minor similarities in posture, facial structure and ( now that the two of you were speaking ) the cadence in speech.

“Because I’m not his shadow, as much as he’d love for me to be.” You pass him a smile, but it was too sweet and clearly fake. The smile he gave you in return was soft and genuine, a rare sight. An arm wrapped around your shoulder and pulled you in, his facial hair rough against your temple where he placed a loving, fatherly kiss.

“She’s got her own plans. Whether they follow mine or they go in an entirely different direction doesn’t matter. She’s a Stark! She’s destined to be the best in any field!” He bragged, giving your shoulders an extra squeeze before releasing you. You were flush under his praise, and you had to wonder what you’d done to deserve such an accepting father.

“This.  .  . is weird.” Peter frowned, and it caused both you and Tony to raise an eyebrow in such a way that it only weirded him out more that you two were so alike.

“What’s weird about it?” Tony asked.

“I just asked her ou——” Peter sucked in a breath, paused with his mouth open, then clamped his lips shut. Sadly, it was too late. Tony tensed beside you, and you felt the need to leap forward and protect Peter from the sudden shift in atmosphere.

“He wanted me to hang out with him and his friends.” You quickly amended.

Tony licked behind his lower lip and shoved his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans, his whole posture threatening. There was a moment of silence, but it somehow still felt noisy with the sheer amount of thoughts rolling around in Tony’s head.

“Him and his friends, or just him?” The question he posed felt like it was meant for you, but his dark eyes remained on Peter. Because of this, you kept your mouth shut and let him answer.

“Mr. Stark, you know I’d never——”

“Alone or with friends, Parker?” The sharp jab of his last name made Peter flinch.

“With friends! You know them. I’ve told you about them. Ned and MJ wanted to get pizza and hang out, but we haven’t picked a place yet. So we exchanged numbers so I could tell her when we did. I swear, it’s just to chill out before testing next week.” He sounded pleading, and it annoyed you — not because the pleading itself bothered you, but because your father was causing it.

“Dad, get back in the freakin’ car.” You grabbed his arm and turned him around, hands pushing at his back. He didn’t fight you off, but he did raise his hands while complaining.

“You’re dismissing your own father? I’m hurt, (Y/N). I never thought a boy would be more important than family.” He followed along as he was lead back to the driver side door.

“You are an actual menace. Leave us alone. I’m a big girl, and I want friends.” Once you neared the door, you lowered your voice so only he could hear. “You know him, right? Is he alright?”

“He’s more than alright.” Tony whispered back. “He’s one of the smartest kids I’ve met, aside from you. A little on a dweeb side, but you could make worse friends. Don’t tell him I said that, you I’m docking your allowance.”

“You won’t.” You smiled and bit at your lip. “So I can go with him?”

“Only if I’m allowed to mess with him a little more.” Perfectly white teeth were flashed in a cheeky grin. “I think I freaked him out.”

“I think so too.” You suppressed the urge to laugh and stepped back. “But you’re an actual butthead.”

“I know.” Tony winked, then put on another severe expression that he directed towards Peter. Sharply and menacingly, he motioned with two fingers that he would be keeping his eyes on the young hero. Peter stammered again, but Tony had already folded himself into the driver’s seat.

You moved around the car again and stopped in front of Peter, a spring in your step.

“Text me when you’ve got it figured out. I wanna come along.” You smiled shyly and nudged your shoulder against his. “See you, Peter!”

Peter lifted a hand in farewell, but made it a point to avoid looking anywhere in Tony’s direction. “Yeah! See you. Later. Tomorrow.”

You fled into the car, but rolled your window down at the request of your father. He leaned across you and shouted through the window as he slowly rolled the car forward.

“Watch yourself, Parker! I’ll know if you try anything!”

And with that, you and your father drove away, leaving Peter to panic on his own.

[bookswithelli]

a darker shade of magic: review

synopsis:

Kell is one of the last Antari—magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black.

Kell was raised in Arnes—Red London—and officially serves the Maresh Empire as an ambassador, traveling between the frequent bloody regime changes in White London and the court of George III in the dullest of Londons, the one without any magic left to see.

Unofficially, Kell is a smuggler, servicing people willing to pay for even the smallest glimpses of a world they'll never see. It's a defiant hobby with dangerous consequences, which Kell is now seeing firsthand.

After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. She first robs him, then saves him from a deadly enemy, and finally forces Kell to spirit her to another world for a proper adventure.

Now perilous magic is afoot, and treachery lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they'll first need to stay alive.

review under the cut!

stars: ★★★★☆

First of all, although I rated this book 4 stars, there were some issues with it (mainly involving representation and characterization). I rated it 4 stars because I enjoyed reading it despite its issues, but I recognize that the mediocre representation may turn others away from this book.

characters & representation

Before I begin this section of the review, I would like to say that I am not visually impaired and therefore do not have any authority on that subject. My comments on the treatment of Lila's missing eye are merely based on my own observations and what I have heard from visually impaired people on the topic.

Lila:

A cross-dressing thief and aspiring pirate with a penchant for knives, Lila Bard brings to mind the likes of Inej Ghafa from Leigh Bardugo's Six of Crows and Elizabeth Swann from Pirates of the Caribbean. There were times when I really liked Lila; she can be sassy and morally questionable which is always interesting to see when well done. However, her character had a few issues that I wanted to address.

“Delilah Bard looked like a king. No...she looked like a conqueror.” pg. 289

When will fantasy authors stop romanticising conquerors and colonization?! This may be a smaller issue since aside from White London (which is villainized) there is no mention of it in the overarching plot, but this line just really bothered me. It makes me think that V.E. Schwab is a fan of adult and YA fantasy authors like Sarah J. Maas and others who write their main characters to be colonizers and romanticize it in the process. I don’t think this line was necessary at all, and I wish the second sentence had been removed or modified to something a little less problematic (e.g. she looked like a pirate/captain/etc.)

"How did you lose it...your eye?" -Master Tieren, pg. 327

It is revealed near the end of the book that Lila has been missing an eye for as long as she can remember, and she wears a glass eye as a replacement. This is all well and good, but the consequences of her impaired vision are never explored. The only reason the reader knows that Lila is missing an eye is because the author tells them. The narrative never discusses how Lila's lack of an eye affects her day to day life, and it's only brought into the story when it is needed for the plot.

It’s also worth mentioning that Lila is the only female character with a large role in this book, and no matter how “feminist” her character is, there’s not a lot of women in this book that are portrayed positively and with depth.

Rhy:

I actually really liked Rhy and I loved his relationship with Kell. I love sibling love in books and we so rarely get positive sibling relationships, so this was nice to see! It’s also really important to have queer people of color in books. However, I don’t think Rhy’s character is good bi/pan representation (I will refer to him as bi in this review for the sake of brevity, but it’s worth mentioning that neither term is mentioned so Rhy could canonically identify as either).

“He would flirt with a nicely upholstered chair, and he never takes anything seriously.” -Kell, pg. 254

As a queer girl who has identified as bisexual in the past and may in the future, this is bad bi rep 101. Schwab is perpetuating the stereotype of the “promiscuous bi”, or one who flirts and/or sleeps with everyone and everything. This is not a bad characteristic in itself, but it is harmful bi rep because that is the way every bi character is portrayed in media. It reinforces the idea that bisexual people in real life are all like this, and it also reinforces biphobes’ points of view when they say that bisexual people are more likely to cheat because they sleep with more people. This is pretty much the most common stereotype of a bisexual person, so while I doubt that Schwab intended to be harmful in her portrayal of Rhy, it shows that she did not do much research on LGBT+ rep when writing her characters. I do know that some bi people were not bothered by this; however, I believe that writers should stay away from stereotypes, especially when writing characters that are marginalized. Even though promiscuity is not an inherently bad trait, it is harmful when applied to bisexual people because it reinforces real peoples’ beliefs and affects real life bisexuals. This is especially important here because Rhy is the only narrative-confirmed LGBT+ character in the first book. It's not the worst representation I've seen, since Rhy does have a personality outside his flirtatiousness and promiscuity (in fact, it's confirmed that this is a coping mechanism for him) but it's certainly not the best, and I'm just tired of seeing bisexual people represented this way in fiction.

Kell:

I know a lot of people who didn’t like Kell very much, and that is understandable. However, I found him really compelling. It’s refreshing to see a male lead in this genre who’s not jacked and a brooding asshole whose only redeeming quality is his dick size. He’s definitely moody, but not to the point where he becomes an abusive alpha male type guy (yes, I am aware that this is a very low bar). I genuinely enjoyed his character because he’s flawed. He’s stubborn and moody but he’s incredibly caring and he genuinely wants to help people. He feels alienated from his family so he rebels and gets himself in trouble. His character is written well because he’s not perfect by any means, but he’s still likeable and you still root for him.

Holland:

Holland is what every YA love interest wishes they were. Honestly. He’s given no excuses for his actions, and yet he is still sympathetic. You understand that he is under the control of Astrid and Athos, but you also understand that all he has done for years is carry out their orders, and that changes a person. His story is heartbreaking, but that doesn’t change what he has done. He knows it, Kell knows it, Lila knows it, the reader knows it. Honestly, if he were in a YA fantasy romance, I bet Holland would be the love interest; his female “mate” would change him for the better, and he would never face the consequences of his actions. That makes his arc in this story all the more enjoyable. Holland is one of my favorite characters of all time, and not because he’s a perfect “book boyfriend” or whatever, but because his story and character are genuinely interesting and executed well.

worldbuilding

I loved the worldbuilding in this book. There was a bit of an info-dump in the beginning, but I’m willing to look past that because the world was so engaging and interesting that I forgot about the dense first chapter once I got past it. Each London has a distinct feel, and they are all almost tangible. The descriptions of each made me feel like I was in the Londons along with Kell and Lila. It seems like the system would be complicated, but Lila sums it up well:

“There’s Dull London, Kell London, Creepy London, and Dead London.” -pg. 198

After the initial info-dump, Schwab weaves information about the magic system seamlessly through the book, leaving enough mystery for the reader to wonder at what might happen in the next books, but never leaving out so much that the reader is confused. I really appreciated the rules that existed around magic. It’s draining, and Antari magic requires blood, which means there is a limit to how much you can perform at once. Magic is seen to affect the world beyond the characters and their main conflict, which I was very happy about as well. There are too many fantasy novels where the magic system has no rules and only exists to further the plot, but in this world you can see it everywhere. The politics of Red London and White London are affected by magic, even where it is not necessarily relevant to the plot. You can see small amounts of magic being performed in the streets of Red London: spells to protect from thieves, etc. Magic is normal for the people in Red London, and it is treated as such in the text.

pacing & plot

This book flew along. I’ve read it multiple times now, and every time, I can’t stop until I finish. And then I want to move along to the next book immediately. It manages to keep up a great pace and still build up to an exciting climax. Schwab’s lyrical writing is not flowery, but it draws the reader in and carries them along the story effortlessly. It’s very engaging and accessible language, which makes it a good stepping stone into adult fantasy (especially if you’re coming from YA).

Overall, I really enjoyed this book. The representation that it gets praised so highly for is disappointing, but aside from that I enjoyed most of the characters and the writing was beautiful. The plot and world were engaging and made me want to read the second book immediately (even though I’m on my 3rd or 4th reread). I would recommend this book for fans of YA fantasy who want to get into adult fantasy - this book is categorized as adult, but I found it a lot easier to read than other adult fantasies. For me, this book is a reminder that you can recognize the flaws in a book and still enjoy it, so remember to stay critical, even of your favorite books :)

[the-blue-fairie]

My Overlong Personal Reflection on my Experience with Frozen 2

Reflecting on Frozen 2, I’m understanding once again that my mixed feeling towards it come from my own personal perspective in life coloring where I want these characters to be (something I shouldn’t hold against the film, but I can’t change because my life experiences have shaped who I am) and what I personally perceive as the poor execution of good or at least interesting ideas (again, I’m stressing that this is my perception. I’m not saying that Frozen 2 is objectively poorly executed; in fact, I think there are many aspects it executes incredibly well like many parts of Show Yourself and The Next Right Thing.)

Thanks to my own feelings of loneliness, I prefer stories of broken people who come together and hold together as a family and, to its credit, Frozen 2 still gives me that. In spite of their periods of isolation in the Enchanted Forest, this little family still does work together to save the day. Elsa sends the message to Anna even as she is freezing. Anna seeks to break the dam. Kristoff helps and protects her. Their bonds are clearly stronger than any distance, so what am I frustrated about?

Well, I guess I’m partly frustrated because I see the makings of a great story in Frozen 2 (even in the aspects I might personally disagree with) and, while the finished film was certainly good, I can’t help but think it could have been even better.

If the film wanted to earn its ending better and build a stronger connection between Elsa and the Enchanted Forest, why not show Elsa developing a stronger bond with the Northuldra, learning their customs, appreciating her mother’s people? We only get like, two short scenes with Elsa interacting with the Northuldra before they largely vanish from the movie until the end.

I know, I might be a little biased because I want people of color in the film to have more to do, but I do want characters of color to have more to do.

If the film wanted us to emotionally connect Elsa’s feelings of liberation in the Enchanted Forest with the liberation she felt during Let It Go, why does the movie take every opportunity to make cheap jokes at Let It Go’s expense, conditioning the audience to think more about the cringe factor of Let It Go than the emotional through-line of the two films?

If the film wanted to use the Kristoff/Anna dynamic to explore emotional vulnerabilities that a real couple goes through, then why make so many of their early misunderstandings comedic fodder?

The above are aspects of the film I genuinely think could have been better handled, but there are other aspects of the film that I merely... disagree with based on my personal experiences in life.

Again, I’m not claiming that the aspects I am going to now bring up are bad, just that I can’t connect to them as strongly as some others might. I’m not saying these qualities are objectively lacking in relatability, that would be nonsensical. I’m just trying to explore my own personal feeling and the personal source of conflict within me regarding Frozen 2. I’m glad that so many people can relate to Elsa’s arc. Even I relate to parts of it. On the whole, Show Yourself is a beautiful song.

But when Elsa comes to Ahtohallan and says, “I’m arriving and it feels like I am home,” I don’t feel it.

That definition of “home” is different than the one I have come to understand in my life.

For me, home is with the people you love and who love you. Home is your family, whether your family by blood or the family you create. Memories, remembrances, all the beauties that can be found in Ahtohallan, are things to be cherished - but they look backward more than they look forward. They can help in the creation of a better future, they are not that future itself.

And I can’t relate when the film suggests Elsa has as close a connection with the glacier as with the people she loves. If she was singing among the Northuldra, among this accepting and familial and supportive new community she meets, I could probably accept that better, but she isn’t. The Northuldra, as I’ve harped on before, vanish from the movie before popping up at the end.

Personally, in Frozen 1, I connected most with Elsa’s moments of happiness during the coronation - those moments when she was able to let her walls down and feel joy being among people. Laughing with Anna. Being a playful stinker with the Duke of Weselton. It felt healthy and uplifting after seeing that she spent so many years alone.

And Frozen 2... doesn’t give me that many moments like that, and so it resonates with me less. I know that Elsa is an introvert, I’m an introvert too, but I still yearn for and need human companionship. And I know that Elsa has human companionship with the Northuldra, but the film doesn’t take the time to develop that bond as well as it could.

Instead of showing me Elsa forging new connections with people while at the same time finding the life best fitting her personality, the film gives me a couple all-too-brief scenes of Elsa talking with the Northuldra. (Kristoff actually seems to learn more about life among the Northuldra with Ryder than Elsa does.)

I actually see so much beautiful potential in the ending of Frozen 2. On paper, it seems great. Elsa can broaden her horizons, breathe the free air, has a supportive community around her.

But because the film doesn’t develop her connection with that new community, the ending kind of leaves me cold. I can patch up my issues with the film by writing beautiful stories of Elsa growing more connected to the culture of her mother’s people, I can (and do) happily write Elsamaren stories to flesh out the strongest connection Elsa makes among the Northuldra in canon - but those stories are fanfiction rooted in headcanon, not canon.

(Do so many of my issues boil down to, “Man, I wish the Northuldra had more to do and the Elsamaren shipper in me really wants Honeymaren to have had more screentime!”? Kinda. Again, I’m trying to reflect on my personal experience with Frozen 2 and ponder why I personally feel disconnected with the ending while also feeling strangely connected to it.)

But outside of those fannish wishes, some part of my heart still just... feels more emotional connection to the ending of Frozen 1, at least as it pertains to Elsa. (Let me say here and now that I love Anna’s arc in F2 with all my heart, The Next Right Thing is the best song in the film, and Anna will make a fantastic queen.)  

And my personal perspective is all on me. And I don’t want to take anything away from the people who feel just as deep an emotional connection to the ending of Frozen 2.

I have read so many beautiful and resonant analyses of Frozen 2 that have helped me become more comfortable with it, helped me to see beauty where I couldn’t see beauty initially, and I want to thank all those beautiful people whose love for Frozen 2 shines in every beautiful post they make discussing it.

But merely on a personal level for me, the ending of the first Frozen felt so healing. It ended with all these scattered people, who had known such loneliness in life, united as a family. Anna doesn’t have to be alone and she can finally live in the sun. Elsa doesn’t have to be alone and realizes she doesn’t have to fear her people and her people accept her with open arms - and she can truly live. Kristoff’s family expands. And the last shot of everyone happily skating, gates open, feels fulfilling and complete in a way the last shot of Frozen 2 just... doesn’t for me.

Frozen 2 tries to do so much, and I falter between praising its ambition and brooding over its shortcomings. Even the parts I wish could have been handled better are good thematically. While I have reservations with how the film’s comedic treatment of Kristoff and Anna’s “miscommunication” undercuts the earnest effort to reflect on Anna’s experiences with Hans, I’m still glad the film tries to explore Anna’s trauma in some way, and explore Kristoff’s feelings. While I wish the film could have given us more of the Northuldra, I am glad they are there at all. And though the film makes cheap jokes at Let It Go that undermine the emotional through-line of the two movies... well, no I’m still mad at that. 

Oh, Frozen 2, you beautiful, complicated, messy film. I wish I could settle on my feelings towards you.

And I know, if you just start skimming this, you might roll your eyes because there have been some bad faith critiques of Frozen 2 out there, but I hope, as you read, that you realize that this confused rambling of mine comes from the heart.

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 34: AMJ #6.1

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

You know I considered ending this series after the initial arc. I may well discontinue it after awhile. But for now at least I am going to press on. Thus begins the second of what I and dead certain will be a shitty arc of AMJ. Pray for me.

Before we dive into the issue I want to quote for you the solicit for this issue:

WELCOME TO NY, MJ! After the CAN’T-MISS events of AMAZING MARY JANE #5, your favorite redhead is back home! First stop: Spider-Man! But has her relationship with Mysterio changed things with the love of her life? Next stop: a press tour! Complete with iconic New York guest-starring gigs, and OH NO WHAT’S THAT?!?

We spent over 10 years of seeing Peter and MJ separated in the 616 universe.

Thanks to Nick Spencer they blessedly got back together.

Across 25 issues we got to see Peter and MJ interact and 99% of the time it was awesome and helped some old and open wounds get a little better.

It wasn’t every issue, but that was good. Don’t want to get indulgent right?

Then this series came along and Peter/MJ interactions got limited again due to the nature of the story.

That was a shame but at least we were going to get a great MJ story right?

Except we didn’t. We got a story that paradoxically simultaneously celebrated MJ whilst also inadvertently character assassinating her and just being a disgusting fucking mess in general.

But here we have MJ back in New York where Spider-Man is. This issue is even promising us an interaction between them.

Sounds good right?

Let’s see if it will deliver.

As always here we get the recap.

And once more it gives us the full title of the movie in spite of the comic yet to have done that.

As for the ‘strength of his vision blah blah blah’, you know the drill by now. That’s all bullshit, Mary Jane would never connect to Beck over that or allow him to walk free because of that.

There is also a passage in the recap claiming that MJ connected to Beck over familiarity with his situation. The idea of this being their last chance to make it big. I’ve already talked about how that’s bullshit, see part 12.

Finally, the recap confirms that MJ has still failed to tell Peter the truth. Nice to know MJ will continue to be hardcore out of character moving forward into this new arc.

As the issue starts we see MJ introduced as a guest on some kind of chat show.

As has been the case throughout the series, the art is (stylistically at least) gorgeous.

Beyond that there is little to about this page. Except of course the fact that Mary Jane has thought captions.

Let me repeat that.

For the first time in six  issues the readers are being given an insight into the thoughts of title character!

You know, if this were a brand new run, a re-launch or even say the beginning of an outright new era for a series maybe that’d be okay.

But it isn’t. It’s the same run, the same volume, the same story, merely the next arc. This is like if Nick Spencer hadn’t used thought captions throughout the first five issues of his ASM run but then randomly did for the Trivia Night storyline with Boomerang.

Thought captions are perhaps one of the single most potent weapons in the arsenal of a comic book writer. It allows for immense development of characters and enables writers to combine the strength of prose stories with those of more visual mediums.

Now, it’s not that it’s bad to simply not use them. But be consistent. Thought captions would’ve gone a long way in helping us understand Mary Jane better in the first arc along with elaborating upon her asinine decisions there.

Not to mention for a character so often written off as shallow or just eye candy wouldn’t an insight into her thoughts have helped dispel such accusations? Jed Mackay has been doing that pretty consistently since the first issue of his Black Cat run. There it has done wonders for Felicia and fleshed her out more.

It’s especially bad when we consider we got more of an insight into MJ’s thoughts and feelings in one issue  of Nick Spencer’s ASM run than in the entire five prior issues of her solo title.

Anyway, as her interview with Reilly Redding begins there is some quips and verbal jousting going on. Reilly asks if the movie has wrapped but MJ explains that McKnight and the crew are still shooting in L.A. Reilly asks if MJ is sure about that.

This isn’t a positive, more a general observation. I’m not overly familiar with chat shows, let alone American ones, but to my eyes the host seems influenced by Ellen DeGeneres.

Anyway, let me dispense with the pettiest of gripes first. I hate Reilly’s hairstyle. I hate that hairstyle in general. To me it looks really stupid, like you went for a haircut but gave up halfway through. That’s not in anyway shape or form a fair criticism. I totally own that. It is just a tiny point that really bothers me personally.

On the more positive side, Williams continues her frustrating tendency to nail  MJ’s personality traits within a problematic context. MJ’s social skills are one of her greatest powers and here her charisma and ability to play verbal tennis with Reilly is executed superlatively. When Williams does stuff like this she delivers some of the best Mary Jane writing in a long time. Which is why I hate saying and believing that she shouldn’t work on the character over all. She makes traits of MJ shine whilst nevertheless damaging the character over all.

Case in point, the movie is still filming right? And the Vulture (and probably the other members of the Savage Six) are still out there. Let’s be kind and presume they are in a new secret location. That means Vulture will still want to find out where they are, so all the people (and their families) from issue #4 are still going to be harassed by the Vulture’s paparazzi gang and potentially threatened by the six themselves.

Oh well, MJ still DGAF I guess.

Guess she doesn’t care that she’s appearing in public (in NYC of all places!) in spite of six villains now holding a very direct grudge against her.

Also, we FINALLY get the full name of the movie in the story itself, not the recap pages.

As the interview continues, MJ takes questions from the audience. One man asks what it’s like for her to play a real hero for the first time considering she’s played normal female roles before.

MJ responds that they are all heroes to her. She doesn’t really make the female role distinction quite the same way either. It’s more like she plays a hero who is also a woman.

The next question is about the weird press speculation about Cage McKnight’s conduct. The woman asking the question wants to know what he’s really like. MJ responds that he’s great, just dedicated to the craft and protective of his crew. She points out the paparazzi didn’t take kindly to him because he in turn didn’t take kindly to them hounding the movie.

Reilly then reveals McKnight is here for the interview.

Once more, Williams (with a huge help from Gomez’s art) conveys the charisma and social savvy of MJ here. Gomez’s body language demands particular praise. He conveys MJ’s beauty, flirtation, charm, etc. And he does it on multiple levels. The subtle genius of this page is how Gomez captures MJ putting on a performance for the public, to convince them she’s being utterly genuine and casual.

As for the dialogue, the best faith interpretation of the man’s question, he meant MJ has never played a super hero before, just normal non-powered women. He didn’t mean stereotypical female roles. That interpretation makes MJ’s response make more sense than if the former was the intent. So I’ll give Williams a pass and presume that was in fact her intent.

As for the second question it further highlights the unethical nature of allowing Mysterio to impersonate McKnight. The real McKnight has a lot of gossip and a new public image that was not of his own making. It wasn’t even an unfair fabrication by the press, it existed specifically because someone else was using his name, face and reputation for personal gain.

Also the audacity of Williams to directly reference issue #4 where Ken was harassed by the Vulture’s paparazzi squad but just ignore the fact that that should still be going on.

To MJ’s confusion Cage McKnight joins the interview. However, he doesn’t seem to know anything about the movie at all. He says the first he heard of the movie was when he was contacted for the interview. Meanwhile MJ frantically contacts Beck on her phone. Reilly notices and calls MJ out just before Beck confirms he’s still in L.A.

To MJ’s horror she realizes she’s sitting next to the real Cage McKnight who’s returned from his penguin expedition. Reilly asks why he came on the show if he doesn’t remember movie. Cage responds that just because he doesn’t remember making the movie doesn’t mean he didn’t. he explains that in the past he’s made movies in ‘artistic fugues’ and presumes this is just one such time.

*pinches bridge of nose*

Oh my Gooooooooood this is so dumb.

I get the desire to have humour in a story for the sake of levity. But the world of Spider-Man is not even remotely a borderline Deadpool or Harley Quinn or Lobo comic book. The humour doesn’t come from absurdity or a cartoonlike breaking of logic and reality.

And make no mistake, this is absurd. Scratch that, it’s contrived to the nth degree.

First of all I’m not that well read up on fugue states so I briefly consulted Wikipedia who had this to say:

Dissociative fugue, formerly fugue state or psychogenic fugue, is a dissociative disorder[1] and a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality, and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state can last days, months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. It is a facet of dissociative amnesia, according to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

-Wikipedia

Basically a fugue state is a sort of similar condition to Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as having a split personality. Only instead of an individual’s psyche fracturing into different personalities that take dominance, it’s someone’s mind running away with itself and becoming someone else. The individual forgets aspects of who they are and becomes someone else.

A very good example within fiction can be found in the Doctor Who episode ‘The Next Doctor’. In it a man named Jackson Lake suffers a traumatic experience and in the midst of it (through a sci-fi gizmo) absorbs a lot of information on the character of the Doctor. His traumatized mind consequently decides to imitate what it regards as the Doctor.

What I’m saying is McKnight’s dialogue about his fugues are very probably bullshit unless someone can cite evidence to the contrary. 

Using the above description though McKnight has gotten this rare  psychiatric disorder multiple times and specifically in conjunction with his job as a filmmaker. Yeah, no. Not buying it and neither should you.

Being a film director isn’t a muscle memory skill you can’t forget no matter what. People with amnesia or Alzheimer’s disease do not forget how to play the piano or how to drive. But directing a movie? There are so many moving pieces to that job that rely upon you knowing how equipment and more importantly individual people operate. You have to bear a shitton of theory in mind too. It is physically  impossible to repeatedly  have fugues and then maintain that job.

And even if it was, oh my lord, that is the single most contrived thing in this series yet. Are you SERIOUSLY telling me that Mary Jane and Beck and the entire production got this  lucky. The guy who’s reputation is what the movie is riding on happens  to be someone who repeatedly deals with this incredibly rare mental condition?

Holy shit. That’s Superior Spider-Man levels of contrived.

And yet if you still swallowed all of that it still wouldn’t make sense!

McKnight presumes he made this Mysterio movie in a fugue state right? But he wasn’t, so he would remember his life during that period of time. Meaning that there are lots of public records and personal accounts testifying that he was making the movie at the same time that he  knows he was observing penguins.

If you suffer amnesia or blackouts or DID then there are obviously gaps in time you cannot account for. The overwhelming majority of people who deal with those conditions make a point of keeping track of those gaps, for practical reasons if nothing else. So McKnight would know that there isn’t a gap in time he can’t account for and certainly not for the time period the Mysterio movie has been going for.

Shit, the movie is still  filming! How the Hell does he believe he is still making this movie in a fugue state if he’s consciously aware of lacking any knowledge about it?

Not to mention if he’s been in the Falkland Islands this whole time. A quick Google search informed me that by plane it’d take over 14 hours  to travel between the islands and Los Angeles. How the fuck is anyone supposed to ever commute that distance, let alone regularly. And McKnight sincerely believes he was doing both at the same goddam time?

You couldn’t even argue that McKnight believes he made the Mysterio movie before his penguin expedition. Because the movie is still being made and all his other ‘artistic fugues’ would have a movie as proof of what he was doing during the fugues.

This is just mind-numbingly stupid and lazy writing. It smacks so hard of Williams trying to desperately paper over the holes in her initial story.

More importantly, how fucking stupid is Mary Jane or Beck to never considered this possibility? I don’t mean the fugue bullshit, I mean the idea of McKnight just coming back  from his penguin adventure.

Was Mysterio honestly so incompetent as to have never accounted for that? He seriously never had anything in place to make sure McKnight wouldn’t just decide to cut his journey short? Jesus, and I was dumb enough to buy his line about McKnight spending a year with the penguins.

Even putting that aside, what the flying fuck was MJ and Beck’s plan for when he eventually  came back in the first place? Say he really did spend a year with the penguins then came back to the USA. Suddenly he has a movie with his name attached to it and lots of controversy. Let’s say McKnight’s fugue bullshit added up, there is no indication MJ or beck knew about them. So how the Hell were they planning on getting away with the obvious questions he or his friends or family would have had?

And if they did know about the fugues, why didn’t Williams address that before? That was kind of  a lingering question hanging over the story until now wasn’t it?

God I can’t believe I paid for this!

On the next page MJ spots a guy in an Oni Mask backstage. She presumes he’s there to scare her as part of the show. However, she notices that the P.A.s haven’t seen him. Meanwhile Reilly set up a stupid game for them to play.

I got nothing to say about this page beyond McKnight’s dialogue. Williams is clearly trying to frame the real McKnight in a less than sympathetic manner. There could be many reasons why. I suspect one of the reasons is to incline us more towards Beck’s version of McKnight and to make us not feel as bad about Beck (and MJ) exploiting his identity.

Because being vaguely and lightly sexist means you deserve to have your career, public image, sense of self and life violated and damaged I guess?????????????

As Reilly brings in people from the audience to compete against McKnight and MJ, the latter thinks that there is something weirdly familiar about the Oni-masked man.

I have little to say about this page too.

Reilly’s attitude and facial expressions make me dislike her, even beyond her stupid haircut.

And as for the Oni-Masked man (I’ll just call him Oni for now) my only guess is that he’s affiliated with Mister Negative somehow. He had his goons wear Oni masks at times. And MJ interacted with them and Mister Negative himself in the popular 2018 Spider-Man video game by Insomniac; and it’s adapted comic book City at War. As such perhaps Williams is trying to tie-in or capitalize upon audience familiarity with that.

As MJ plays the dumb game he ponders if Oni could be a lesser member of Peter’s rogue’s gallery. Observing him again she notices him murder a civilian.

The dumb game annoyed me, but that’s just me.

Beyond that all I can say is that MJ’s dialogue about Peter’s rogue’s gallery is interesting. It proves that MJ has at least a working knowledge of Peter’s major foes. Which just further proves she would have been familiar with Mysterio and his crimes, just in case anyone was still clinging to the idea that she wouldn’t.

Also, the art and especially that splash page were beautiful.

Unfortunately for MJ, Oni notices she witnessed his crime. MJ is nervous and backs away in fear, annoying McKnight when she bumps into him. Meanwhile Spider-Man swings across town yelling for to hold on as he is on the way.

Gomez draws a nice Spider-Man.

Anyway, more of Williams making us dislike McKnight, see above for more on that.

MJ backing away in fear has me apprehensive. I don’t know if that’s in character for her. I guess the shock and surprise could’ve thrown her for a loop. And if Oni doesn’t notice her then it gives her a better chance of raising the alarm and capturing him.

I must say, I do like MJ being on the backfoot here after issues #1-5 made her often overconfident and over capable at times (see her nonchalance over the Savage Six in issue #5).

Also, isn’t MJ going to give Oni the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he’s sorry for murdering that guy just now. Maybe he wants to make amends by creating a movie about his life. So why is MJ so scared?

Sure, he just murdered someone, but what is that next to the laundry list of Beck’s crimes?

As it turns out, Spidey wasn’t on his way to save MJ. He was in fact en route to a French restaurant to have dinner with her. He is actually before MJ for a change.

I know Gomez isn’t the only artist on this issue and this doesn’t look like his work. Who ever is drawing it though is doing a very bland depiction of Peter with a overly wrinkly forehead.

The joke about him arriving first for a change was funny though.

Back at the studio, the show wraps up. McKnight insults Reilly’s profession just in case you’ve not realised he is a jerk yet. MJ thinks about persuading everyone to evacuate and searches for her phone. She notices Oni leaving and decides to leave her phone behind.

I already know MJ is going to pursue Oni herself. The stupidity of that aside why the fuck wouldn’t you grab your phone before doing that? You could use it no matter where you wind up and it wasn’t so far away that he’d get that much of a head start.

In fact, if Oni knows MJ is a witness why did he bother hanging around in the first place.

And why didn’t MJ raise the alarm immediately, the worst that would happen is the guy would run away. He’s just stealthily murdered someone and is in a mask. He obviously isn’t going to take the audience hostage, so if her priority is protecting innocents then raising the alarm immediately (or in fact earlier would’ve been her best bet. Yes that’d probably mean he’d have escaped but unlike with say Peter’s origin, getting him the Hell out of there would’ve reduced the immediate threat to the civilians present.

And on top of that if she figures he’s targeting her because she was a witness to his crime then by alerting everyone to his actions she’d have removed his need (at least for the moment) of sticking around to eliminate her, thus getting him away from the audience.

If he’s leaving anyway, MJ could also just grab her phone and put a call in to Peter, her super hero chums or the police and get them on the case immediately. If she was really so determined to go after this guy herself she still could but would’ve had a back up just in case he escapes or kills her. If she fails then she’s insured someone will still pursue him.

And as I copiously detailed in parts 19-22, MJ is not a super hero (and she knows that). She has no idea what this guy’s skills, weapons or powers might be, nor does she know what resources or assistance will be nearby to enable her to survive or subdue him. This isn’t like an armed cop, a martial artist or a super powered person going after a regular crook. She really doesn’t know what she is in for. Even if he is just a normal man, he clearly has a height and weight advantage over her, is obviously willing and capable of chocking a man to death and is armed. MJ meanwhile has little self-defence training, no weapons and hasn’t got the weight or muscle capable of taking him on if she’s backed into a corner. And she’s pursuing him back stage where presumably there is a fair chance of encountering many corners!

I understand that she doesn’t want to endanger innocent people, but there is no point in risking her life there is a much more practical and likely to succeed option available to her. Live to fight another day and all that. Yes the guy might hurt people during or after his escape but that’s a lesser evil vs. going after him herself when she is very unlikely to subdue him, far more likely to die and then the guy will get away without her having passed on any valuable intel on him to someone more qualified to pursue him.

Also once she sees the guy leaving she could just tell everyone the situation and ask the audience to stay put.

Basically if raises the alarm right there on stage and/or calls Peter or the authorities she is over all putting less people in danger and increasing the chances of the guy being apprehended in the long run. But no, instead she is going to gamble on the far slimmer odds that she can capture the guy.

Not to mention, why would the guy even give a shit that MJ saw him? Why would MJ give a shit that she is a witness to his crime? He is wearing a mask! She couldn’t identify him even if she went to the police. It is literally part of the reason her goddam boyfriend wears a mask!

And by the way, are there no security cameras backstage? Wouldn’t MJ consider that or Oni himself?

McKnight apologises to Reilly (so not that much of a jerk I guess) as MJ pursues Oni (barefooted) backstage. As she does this she rehearses what she will say to Peter in her head. This entails telling him that she had to get away from the killer. As she is thinking about this the body of Oni’s victim is discovered. Backstage she comes face to face with Oni who refers to her by name.

Yay. MJ deliberately planning on lying to Peter again. It’s so awesome that Williams understands why this isn’t a really bad idea for the reasons I pointed out in part 17.

By the way, I suspect Oni knows MJ personally rather than just recognizing her work.

I’m actually going to leave it there for now as the next part of the story has a shitton to unpack.

Previous Part

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Master Post

[jacktherph]

Hi, Jack! We are a new murder mystery roleplay inspired by A Series of Unfortunate Events with new plot twists and characters. We would love some feedback. May we please have an opinion? Please, feel free to take as much time as you need. Thank you so much! We really appreciate it!

hi there @unfortunate-rp​! i’m happy to give you an opinion. since you didn’t specify private, i will post this on my blog. feel free to ask me to take it down if that was a mistake.

NOTE: all opinions expressed here are mine, jack’s, belonging to jack. i make no claims to knowing what is best for every group – i only offer advice based on my experiences, what i’ve seen in the community, and my personal knowledge. no one person knows what is best for you or any group other than yourself; because you were the one who put all of this together in the first place. so take everything i say as a suggestion, and remember that you have accomplished so much!!

and if you have any questions, want feedback on something specific, or want elaborations on anything said in this opinion, don’t hesitate to message me!!

this isn’t just an opinion, it’s a shoutout and a rec!! any fans of the asoue book series &/or recent netflix adaptation will adore this rpg. it perfectly captures everything snicket was about from beginning to end and the skeletons are frankly fucking amazing. what a creative admin team!! 

start: 2.30 | pause: none | end: 2.58TOTAL: HERE 28 minutes to read all pages (please don’t take this as a measure of anything, I simply time myself and am a speed reader)

*spelling error on /uptown: Mureau Cinema -- Christmas

So the first thing I’m going to say before I go into the full details of each page and contents and such is that I have one big recommendation: finding a way to adjust your line height in your code. The common theme I ran into while reading all of your pages is that after a while my eyes would gloss over certain sentences because I thought I was reading each line but they were too bunched together. Because you have such beautiful pages with so much information to give to your members, this is super important. If you’d like me to see if I can find that part of your code for you, feel free to IM me at any time and I’ll be happy to help.

My first impression of everything is a big fat fucking WOW. From the pages to the graphics to even the way you word things I feel like I’ve been transported back to that dreadfully delightful macabre world Snicket created for me as a child. I don’t know if you’ve been given proper praise for that yet but if you haven’t you certainly deserve it. You have a functional and helpful theme that works for what you need from it and your design of everything is both simple and artistic at the same time. When you have a new acceptance posted the dual ember gifs make it feel like there’s a lot going on but it’s not consistent, with too many repeated or flashing gifs, and so there’s not anything you need to do to change that in my opinion. It just tends to happen with graphics that use the same images. Really though, please feel extremely accomplished about the tone and theme you set on your main. I’ve never gotten more of an impression of what an rpg is about by one glance than I do here.

Your Plot is astounding. Disregarding the fact that you wrote it just like Snicket, I think this is one of the most original fandom concepts I’ve seen in some time. This was the perfect story to be able to take away from the canon and still keep it within the realm of possibility. I’m actually really glad you did this so well because this way people can still have all of the fun of the storyline and plots and not have to worry about the possibility of “playing a canon character wrong” or trying to fit it into the canon of the books/show.

I’ll sort of go into all of your lore pages as a whole rather than go through every single page? Because the love and dedication you’ve taken to ensure potential members and your members have everything they need in order to work within the worldbuilding of your group. I can seriously appreciate that as an admin of a group with a ton of lore, myself. That you go into so much detail on the locations pages and everything about VFD, you make it so your main is the one-stop shop for information rather than asking people to go elsewhere like a wikia page and I’m gonna shout my praises to you for that!

So your Guidelines are something I’m a little iffy on -- and I’m gonna say this is honestly the only thing I really find debatable about your rpg. The very nature of the ASOUE series was about children being involved in all of the gruesome stuff that comes with being an adult; so in that I can see why you allow writers of any age. But you also have content warnings such as smut, violence, drugs, and etc. and state that the roleplay itself will have mature themes and contents. So that being said, I have two moral issues: allowing members under 18 and the playing of characters who are minors. Generally I’m against playing characters who are minors of any kind. That results in using FCs who are minors and yes, while they are celebrities, it gives the potential for undue associations with the child star. Have you considered possibly keeping children out of the RPG except for in the case of mentioned NPCs? Regarding the “members under 18” bit, honestly that one isn’t as much of a big deal so long as your members are tagging and using read-mores where and when needed, but i’ll include that it will deter a certain number of people from joining your group. I’m not telling you to change anything -- but these are things I think you should maybe think about and consider adding changes to?

Your Skeletons and Faceclaims are so widely wonderful and diverse. You have such a wide range of trans characters and I always look for that in RPGs. But you’re also extremely body positive and age positive as well. This is what the faceclaim page of every rpg should look like, so applause for you. I only looked at a few of your skeletons to get a feel for them, but from what I did look at each one is unique in their own way and you have done an impressive job weaving them in with not only one another but the story. Each one has an important role to play and none feel like they’re just there for any sort of token points. You must have put a lot of work into this and you admin/s need to recognize that this immense amount of creativity is brilliantly impressive.

Personally, I think all you need to do is link to your skeleton page with the filters, rather than having a whole page with links that bring people to the tags the filters divide by, but that is more of a suggestion and if you find what you have works for you then there’s nothing more to be said. As for the images on the skeleton page: you obviously make them fit better with the psd/texture, which I like, but some of them still stick out in their brightness. Maybe go back and look at them and dim some of them individually or try to get them with a matching color hue to make them seem a little more uniform?? But the distinction between npcs and skeletons with the monochrome is great.

Overall your graphics match very well!! Your character template is perfect for the vibe and the psd you have on your images ensures they all look very uniform and put-together. The sidebar gif on the homepage feels a little left out compared to the rest, though? I don’t know if you have a lot of history working with gif editing but either changing the size, adding the psd, or adding a little SOMETHING to it might make it seem a little less “floating on it’s own in a void” in your sidebar.

Your Applications, both of them, are very well thought out and you definitely ask for everything that I can see being necessary in this group. Some in the community are against fully fleshed out apps like this but those who see your group and see the effort in your applications should feel inspired with everything that they answer!! You even provide links for them in helping find occupations and such, and that’s going above and beyond. My one thing is…. Why are both applications on bright white backgrounds and not set as pages of your main? It’s just confusing to me, nothing big. And the white sort of startles me after looking at your darker-colored pages for such a long time.

My FAVORITE THING about your rpg: the complete-ness of it all. I genuinely cannot think of one thing I would like to see here, information or rpg-wise, that would help me as a potential member understand your rpg better. You obviously put so much work into everything here and I could not be more thrilled. As the story goes on you might add more pages or such but for an rpg that hasn’t opened yet (at the time I’m writing this) there is NOTHING that needs adding, in my opinion.

My LEAST FAVORITE THING about your rpg: I’m… struggling to find something, but I guess if I had to pick it would be the layout of your applications -- how they exist on a white page rather than within a page on your main. It’s just slightly jarring to go from all that darkness to a bright white page. Think about putting them as pages on your theme and honestly you’re good to go??

OVERALL this is probably one of the best examples of a put-together skeleton and bio rpg I’ve ever seen. Like, I don’t even know anything about the series beyond the show and I had to stop myself from joining while writing this opinion. Even if someone knows nothing about the fandom they could be coaxed to join after just taking a few minutes to look at everything you’ve put together and provided for people. You didn’t leave anything I could think of out and included more than I would have thought if I were the one putting this rpg together. The fact that you may have done this solo stuns me even more. This is an rpg everyone should check out because it has everything people are looking for: diversity, depth, a well-formed plot, and the potential to last for some time with the right cast and crew behind it.

Well fucking done.

Sincerely,Jack

[narukuwrites]

002. Part 8

Words: 3,592 Tags: Merman AU, Angst, Drama, Magick, and Witchery, Fluff, Mention of forced incest Summary: Ralph decides its time to give Connor and Markus some answers with regards to recent events, Josh is satisfied that Connor isn't an immediate threat and has an honest chat with North, Kamski learns that Connor has gotten rid of his bracelets and decides another visit with Amanda is needed, North realises she's driven a wedge in the friendship she has with the others and decides to make amends.

Authors Note: So here is the next part a day early! Surprises ahoy! I may edit this chapter later but we’ll see.

Ralph had watched all of this unfold quietly and it was clear that Connor and Markus, who from what he could gather was the leader of Jericho. It was interesting but not surprising that Markus had been quick to ensure that Connor was kept safe and that wasn't uncommon - there was something his friend hand, even if he was wholly unaware of it. Queen Chloe had spoken to him during the times when Connor was busy dealing with the politics and responsibilities that came with a being a royal heir and prince to a throne which would one day Connor would be sat upon.

Chloe wasn’t an ordinary mer but she had chosen that form, she had been capable of not only being able to cure and create life within the oceans, but to also have the ability to tip the balance and ensure that one who was deserving of her, would have all the success that he wanted. And when Connor had been born, almost all of that was now within him. There would be someone who her son would find worthy and noble enough to grace that being with his gift, his power. To have Connor by your side would guarantee you the success and favorable circumstances in all of that person’s endeavors and actions, but to someone who was truly deserving of it. Connor it seemed had chosen that to be Markus.

When the new merman came in, however, the dynamic in the room changed and Ralph should he need it - had his knife close at hand and would not think twice about using it. He has promised to keep Connor safe always, he would not break his promise to the Queen who had been more of a mother to him, then his own was. And so when Connor spoke seemingly dissolving the tension between them all and letting his touch soothe Markus, he felt himself relax a little but he didn't let go of his knife - that was hidden in the bag he was holding. And with his free hand sent the dark-skinned mer a cordial wave when Markus introduced him.

 "He is a friend of mine, yes, Connor this is Josh.." Markus paused to send his friend a glare ignoring the affronted look he was given and continuing on. "..Connor this is Josh and the shy blonde is Ralph, his brother.." and he felt himself let out a sigh of contentment as the brunette spoke once more in that beautiful eloquence that seemed to come naturally to the brunette.

"It's nice to meet one of Markus' friends, he speaks quite fondly of you. I hope I haven't caused any inconvenience in keeping your friend from his responsibilities. But he was showing me around your wonderful home - it truly is a marvel. Ralph and I look forward to seeing it fully...."

Josh didn't quite know how to respond to the mer, that he'd been introduced to but he felt that he didn't have to worry about anything untoward - if anything that everyone had said earlier that he had queried were indeed correct. And his gaze fell upon a blonde mer behind Connor and Markus and gave a wave back and tried not to focus on the fact the face of said mer - was scarred and damaged.

"Ah its, nice to meet you too, but please don't be sorry I shouldn't have barged in so abruptly - it should be doing the apologizing but thank you for your praise. Jericho is indeed something we've proud of.," he said and he did genuinely feel guilty for interrupting and so he was thankful when Connor and Markus too didn't hold it against him.

"We're all good Josh these things happen your worry was understandable. I won't be too much longer here but am I right in assuming that you saw I already went ahead and began processing everything with Connor and Ralph. I will need to spend a bit more time with Connor - to see how he can help us..." Markus said in a manner that you couldn't help to be drawn to.

"As I was explaining to Markus, I am happy to help in whatever way I can. I am quite adept at a myriad of things, but when Markus has a clearer understanding of things. You can be rest assured you and the others will be informed and perhaps who knows we'll work together, on exciting new endeavors.." Connor added before sending Josh a smile that was both reassuring and warm.

"Sure that sounds good. Find us when you've sorted it out but don’t rush please.." Josh told Markus before focusing his attention on the other two, Jericho's newest arrivals. "Welcome to Jericho, I hope you settle in comfortably but don't be afraid to seek out myself or the others if you need anything - we're a family here.." he added and that was true. Jericho in itself was a large amalgamation of people from all kingdoms and all levels of society - that co-existed a lot of the time peacefully, and there was the odd disagreement at times but nothing overly escalating into something that would cause a problem in the long term.

"Thank you, I'll bear that in mind Josh.." the brunette said and he felt happy hearing those words from the brunette and felt a bit disappointed when Connor's attention was focused once more on Markus. But he pushed that notion aside and nodded before swimming off and leaving his friend with the two new mer's, feeling a lot lighter and relieved than when he had entered.

Markus didn't like the fact that Connor, as used Josh's name, the sudden need to possess the newcomer to their cause, was something that he couldn't explain but he for some reason knew that the other mer felt the same. And as soon as Josh was gone he wrapped his arms around that lithe, slightly defined with subtle musculature and holding Connor close and letting out a happy sigh when those arms did the same.

"Don't worry the jealousy you felt will pass,. I meant what I said earlier, before the interruption - but I don't know to what extent that will encompass. Know that I will be here for you though..."

The change Connor felt in himself was something very liberating and he felt freer than any time before in his life and he wondered if maybe it was more then just Markus that was the cause. Ralph's words from earlier resonated deeply with him and it made him wonder just how much his friend knew. "Ralph, what you said earlier? You know something more, don't you? About me..?" he asked his friend and shifted a little to allow for Markus and him to lay down comfortably.

Ralph nodded and let out a quiet sigh, he had known this moment would come but for as prepared as he was, it was still a little terrifying but nevertheless he would impart onto Connor as much as he knew, and since it involved Markus now as well, he was the one his friend had inadvertently chosen. "I'll do my best to try to explain it, but your mother gave me something she wanted to you have as well.." he told his closest friend and almost brother as he took a small tome one that Connor would no doubt recognize and handed it over to him.

When Ralph pulled out his mother's notebook he felt a myriad of emotions go through him as he took the proffered item and held it to his chest tightly and closed his eyes and he could feel the phantom warmth of his Mother's arms wrapped around him and he let out a sob and allowed Markus to pull him closer, giving him his support. He missed her terribly and the thought of seeing his beautiful Mother, pale and gaunt as the illness took her that was not how he would remember her. No his mother was beautiful and kind.

"You should read that when you feel you are ready. Know that I had to write for her as her state deteriorated and I know you don't want to reminisce about that time, I do not want you to - but it was so you would know why the writing changes.." Ralph said and it was upsetting for him to see that Connor was a little upset but having Markus nearby helped to alleviate that from worsening.

Markus knew that he couldn't really do much aside from being here for Connor and although this was a private moment he felt privileged for being allowed to share it with these two newcomer mer's - who it would seem would change a lot of things for him. And he still had fears of course but hearing that Ralph would do his best to perhaps make all of this easier to understand - that would be a start. But regardless of what or whom Connor was, Markus knew one thing, that he would not let the brunette mer go.

"She is Nyai Loro Kidul, the Goddess of the Sea.," Ralph said quietly. "She chose to live the life of an ordinary mer though when she came across your father - who sought her out and unlike the rest of her suitors wasn't scared of who she was and stole her heart. And you Connor - you were her greatest treasure and her entire world..."

Markus was speechless by what he had just heard, there were many myths surrounding the Goddess of the Sea, she was a deity they still worshipped she controlled the seas and took the souls of any who she wished for. But there were other stories and whisperings. And Connor was her son, did that make him a deity also? Was the reason he felt the pull towards him because of that, he felt confused and was pulled from his thoughts by someone's warm hands cradling his face - and all of what he had thought a moment ago was gone.

"I don't like seeing you worried and lost in thought, stay with me - I'm right here Markus.." Connor told his handsome darker tan mer that he held a great fondness and desire for. The need and want to give Markus all that he sought, regardless of the cost.

"Ralph..thank you for telling me who my mother was, but I think you will need to explain what that means for Markus and I - as well as yourself and well..." he paused and looked to his friend. Who seemed to understand and carried on explaining things further.

"I don't quite know what your Mother meant, she did her best to try to explain it to me but you hold a great deal of power within your entire being Connor, the power to control the seas, the life within it and to grant someone you know to be worthy, your boon to help them achieve what it is they desire - no matter the cost.." he paused a sadness going through him at the fact the cost was heavy for such - but Connor had the right to know and so he carried on.

"The cost of helping Markus and all of those within these walls could cost you your life Connor but truthfully I think there is a way to avoid it if you decide to limit how much you help. Queen Chloe, your mother wrote all of what that entails in her book, which you now have. I have never read any of those pages though.." Ralph added honestly and he hadn't. He would never invade Connor's privacy and he had kept his promise.

--

Elijah let out snarl at the fact that the rite he had performed hadn't given him a clear indication of where Connor was, only a rough idea of where he had been. Connor might have taken off his bracelets but it was a good place to start the search - but he would need to do a few things first. In his absence, he would have to make sure the council was bound to his will and ensure that his Kingdom, would continue to run smoothly. It would mean he would have to visit Amanda, something he wasn't particularly fond of doing but their alliance was one that had its advantages, although the cost had been rather high for the presiding King. But it was a cost he was fine with paying and it would perhaps come in handy - now that he was closer to finding where exactly Jericho's location was and getting his son back.

He had expended a lot his energy in doing so but he would stop at nothing to make sure Connor was back here with him. His son would guarantee him everything he wanted and it had been worth it, to court and woo his mother - who unbeknownst to everyone was a Goddess and she had been a beautiful and he had truly cared and loved her but that faded with time and when Connor was born, the dynamics between them changed.

The queen was still alluring of course, but it was clear that almost all of his wife's power was now within their child, and so his wife had spent all of her days secluded in the beautiful garden then she attended to. And Elijah wanted to possess all of the power available to him, that was an attractive quality he craved and sought. To have Connor disregarding the fact he was his son, as his queen and consort would ensure his Kingdom and indeed the very ocean and all within it - were his to command. And wasn't that a wonderful thing?

He smiled at the thought, his sudden anger at not being able to locate his son properly falling away as he knew that soon, he would grasp that power once again. And he would take the time to properly claim and worship it. How his son had willingly accepted given into his touches and ministrations in the library - that seemed like an eternity ago now but soon he would have all the time in the world, to explore and take all of what Connor would willingly give him. He would keep Connor safe and away from greedy, grasping hands that weren't his own.

 And with a dark smile, he stretched and lay down on the bed his son occupied and slept in and decided that a short nap would be sufficient enough to help him get back some of the energy he had expended. Dark mer magick was something that took a little bit of one's life energy each time a rite required for a spell was done, but considering it was one of the most powerful forms of mer witchery such a price was the cost - something that he had found a balance for. Those touches he had given his son over the years, along with those bracelets had ensured that any that he spent was given back to him. But now that it was no longer the case he needed to see Amanda but first he would rest and with a tired yawn let

"Soon you'll be back with me Connor.." he murmured as he closed his eyes and let the lingering yet fading scent of his son coax him into the realm of welcoming slumber.

--

"So you're telling me you left Markus there? With the two new arrivals...?" North asked a little perplexed and trying to figure out just why the sudden change had occurred. Sure it wasn't unusual for their friend to do his best to be involved in every aspect and area of Jericho - but from what Josh had told her, this felt like something more. And although she wasn't particularly keen on the fact this was maybe perhaps because of what Lucy had said, it was still good to see Markus being more pro-active. Recently she had noticed that he'd been a little lackluster with everything and she couldn't blame him - everything they planned with regards to taking back the kingdom, each plan seemed to have something which wouldn't make it successful or if it did - the cost was too high.

"Well I don't think either of them poses a threat, I mean we did want Markus to get more involved with things - so technically he's doing what we wanted him to..?" Josh replied as he took another bite of the mackerel he has bought from one of the stalls on his way back from where he had left their leader. He felt a lot more at ease now, for some reason it felt right to have Connor here. Jericho was a haven for everyone and he was sure that whatever had caused the attractive brunette mer to come to them, it must have been something pretty bad.

"You're right I guess. Say, Josh, do you think I've been a little too harsh on Simon..?" North asked it had been a few days since they had their disagreement and it was distressing for her to know that she was the reason why Simon had been avoiding being near her and Josh, the divide between them was something that had become noticeable and she found herself missing Simon's calm aura and friendly nature. Without him everything was unbalanced and it felt wrong. Simon was supposed to be with them and instead she has driven him out.

"You've been a bitch to him, yeah but I think you can still work things out. I won't be the middle-man for this though, this is something you should do for both Simon and yourself. You need to let go of the past North, you are strong and I know you can do it.." Josh finished what was left of his mackerel before speaking again. "..You can let your emotions show none of us will think you weak because of it and you will be all the stronger for it. Instead of dwelling on the past - think of the future and all the possibilities it holds.."

North listened as Josh spoke, he out of all of their little group was the one that had always balanced her out, even when they had disagreements they had still managed to find a way to make it agreeable to both of them. It was nice to have his support and until recently she hadn't really given much thought as to romance - she'd been around three mermen all her life. All of them had been her brothers in a way, but she had found herself over the last while gravitating towards Josh and with everything that had happened recently - it only made her come to realize that he seemed to spend a lot of time with her also.

She was more comfortable around these three than anyone else and many times in the past she had hung out and socialized with the many other mermaids that resided within the walls of Jericho- but found it very overwhelming, even though they had all been so welcoming, she still felt like the oddity and they were seemingly very curious as to what it was like, working in close proximity of not one but three mermen. Many of whom seemed to be fairly smitten with all three of them, but Josh, however, had been a favorite and she didn't know how she felt about that. They had admired her also, a mermaid being high up within Jericho's hierarchy even though they didn't technically have one, she was still essentially one of the three second in command that Markus had.

And so when she had been distracted by her thoughts she hadn't noticed that Josh was not sitting rather close to her with a soft, concerned almost loving look in those lovely eyes of his. "I..yeah you're right I've been a bitch and I will fix things with Simon, this divide I've created it hurts me a lot and I didn't mean to but  - " she broke off though mid-sentence when Josh reached out and took her hand, in a gentlemanly manner which made her suddenly feel very warm.

"I'm here for you North. I won't be going anywhere. Come to see me when you've talked with Simon - there is something I want to tell you.." Josh said to her earnestly before giving her a smile and adding. "..Something I've been wanting to tell you for a while but never found the time to.."

"Sure, Josh. I'll come to you after.." North replied suddenly feeling butterflies in her stomach and watching as Josh swam off in that calm meander his movements always tended to have. Taking a deep breath to calm herself she nodded and made her way towards the topmost part of Jericho - where the deep sea garden was. Here in the deeper depths of the ocean, there was plant life of course - just as colorful in its own right as those in the shallower seas. It was a place many a mer from Jericho went to enjoy the quiet solitude that all mer needed.

North just hoped that Simon would accept her apology and that Josh was right - she needed to let go of the past and instead focus on the future. But witchery and mer magick was something she would never be comfortable with - of that she was certain.

[michaelramblings]

I Count Myself Lucky

I can’t explain why my mind works this way but it always has.

Maybe to bring my life to some sort of honest medium to balance happiness and sadness into a complete understanding? I don’t know.

Growing up I was given everything a person needed. Notice how I said “needed” not “wanted”. Was I given a lot more than what many people are? Yes. Was I given as much as many other people? Definitely not. Somewhere in the middle. I received many gifts that I wanted but I never felt I was spoiled. Born into a family that was financially sound, I never struggled to find a meal any day of my life. I’m not taking into account my picky (also privileged) choices of what I didn’t want to eat but even when my parents said I had to finish eating dinner or I didn’t get dessert, I still wouldn’t eat it. Hard-headed from the earliest of ages.

I knew what I liked and what I didn’t. 

Playing sports, I never cared much for people praising me if I did a good job. To say I didn’t have a confidence in my abilities, would be a lie. When I was younger, I felt like I was athletically superior to some people in certain sports. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been great about criticism. I only want to get better at a craft and would be willing to listen to anyone, no matter how poorly they may be at communicating the information.

Anyone can teach you anything. You have to pay more attention to the lesson being taught than how it is taught. If something isn’t taught well, you learn how not to teach something, which is a lesson in itself.

In school, I remember the worst instances over any overly exciting moments. I remember in first grade when I wrote mean notes to a girl in class. She told on me to the teacher, my mom was called in, and I got in trouble. 

 In fifth grade, I remember getting sent to “Think Time” because I was talking to someone in line in class (everyone in class had to talk to the teacher about a paper or something). I wasn’t paying attention.

In middle school, my locker neighbor and I made fun of the girl next to us regularly. She could hear us... because she was next to us. We got in trouble. 

In 7th grade, a girl (whose name I remember) asked me, “why can’t you ever be cool?” Social peer pressure? sure. I thought about it critically and learned to have a sort of self-control over the “weird” things I may say. The objective in life is to be understood so sometimes you should be understanding of other viewpoints.

That same year I was in wood shop and I made a wood sculpture that said “Spazz.” Someone in class (whose name I remember) said, “Being a ‘Spazz’ isn’t a good thing.” So I thought about it and learned to adapt to be better understood. It’s not about suppressing oneself, just learning how to express it in a different way. Possibly through a passion.

During this same 7th grade year, I became friends with someone whom I refer to as my “best friend” to this day. Someone who, to this day, holds a moral compass that I’ve been so grateful to have been surrounded by. Growing up, I had parents and a sister who portrayed a strong sense of morality, but it was finding someone who I didn’t have to live with that could help solidify a genuine meaning and understanding as to why one acts or says the things one should. It became a strong basis, during one of the most influential periods of time of a person’s life, for what has been the better part of 13 years. (half of my life, as I write this) 

It’s the reason why I never succumbed to the many peer pressures so many people unfortunately do at such a young age. We never drank, never consumed drugs. Our weekends consisted of going to Walmart, going bowling, or going to the movies. We found joy in the conversations we had. It was simple. Not to sound like a middle-aged man, but we didn’t have the luxuries of technology to distract us from real-life experiences, real-life conversations.

In December 2011, a moment helped to change a dynamic in a relationship of someone close to me. To lay the groundwork so there isn’t any confusion, I’ll start off by saying that I’m a picky eater. (Have patience, there’s a reason why I say this) There’s a certain food that I haven’t had many times since because of the effect this situation had on me. All I can do is think of this situation every time I have it. 

To continue though, I’m a picky eater. One of my most favorite dishes is/was chicken cordon bleu casserole. I thought/think it’s absolutely delicious, literally everything about it. Well, except for the bread crumbs on top. Anyone who understands certain food textures and how some aren’t as comfortable to eat in general or with other foods may not understand but just know I don’t like it on this specific dish. As I had many times before, I always removed the top of the dish where the bread crumbs sit. I’d scrape them to the side and spoon out the noodles and other entrails of the casserole and slap them on my plate. Someone in my family came over to me as I was doing this. 

Note I had always done this, every single time we’d ever have it for dinner so this wasn’t anything knew. This person makes the comment, as they had before, that I needed to eat that part. Mind you, my understanding was this person was also willing to eat the parts I didn’t eat of this specific dish. “I don’t like this part, I never had”, I vaguely remember saying. For some reason, (one I don’t remember) it got to a point where this person needed to physically push against me to assert a sort of dominance; a reminder that they were in charge. The kitchen lights were fittingly dim.

I pushed back, something I don’t think they expected. They stepped forward, onto the rug in our kitchen. The force they approached me with must have been so great as to slip out from in front to behind them. They slipped, hitting their head on the kitchen countertop, falling to the ground. I lean down to ask if they’re okay. They tell me, “go away.” I go to my bedroom over the sound of them yelling for my sister for help. My sister takes them to hospital.

Even in writing this, I couldn’t help but vividly remember the physical pain I felt I caused this person. I can’t help but cry at the thought of this moment. People understand things the way they understand things. People like what they like. Although people may not like what you like, you can’t force them to like what they don’t like.

ALL of this and more formed who’ve I become over my 26 years of life. All of which built a foundation for understanding of who I am and what I stand for. As we live in the year 2020, I can’t help but think of the social changes happening in the world and especially who’ve lived in the limelight for such a long time. Recording their lives regularly and capturing every thought-turned-to-skit on camera. Years later, they are having to deal with a blowback on what they profited on, the ideas they thought were without flaw. I count myself lucky I’ve had the experiences I’ve had. Allowing other people to live and make mistakes so we can learn from them; it’s one of the best things you can take away from another person’s life. Even if you’re not living a situation, you can always learn something from one. That’s the difference between being ignorant and arrogant, and having an absence of pride with a willingness to accept you don’t know everything.

The big thing to take away from this is I’ve NEVER victimized myself during these situations. I’ve taken responsibility in some way for each situation. We all play a role into why moments happen the way they do, good or bad. Life happens and it happens differently to different people. What we can control is how to perceive it. How to understand how our role and our moment in that situation could have better helped the outcome. Sometimes it’s even recognizing how another person is reacting during a situation and understanding how positively or negatively their actions effected the outcome. Looking at the world from this perspective is exhausting, but necessary. It’s the difference between being ignorant and arrogant, and having an absence of pride with a willingness to accept you don’t know everything.

[angiewang19]

freshman year @ cmc: academic tips

Course Registration: Getting into courses is a SHITSHOW, but if there’s a will, there’s a way. 

1. Talk to people. Listen to your FYGs. You don’t need to listen to all your FYGs. That can be overwhelming. Pick a FYG you trust and vibe well with. They’re committed to helping you, so that’s one reliable resource during this overwhelming time. Befriend other not-freshmen (especially folks with similar academic interests) and interrogate them about courses they’ve loved/hated. Ask for helpful people’s numbers or friend them on facebook immediately after you chat with them (24-hour rule: friend them before they forget who you are). However, they aren’t obligated to help since they aren’t your FYGs (note: being helpful takes time and energy), but you want to have options for people to call when you don’t know what to do. 

2. RateMyProfs. Corroborate word-of-mouth advice on RateMyProfs; it’s decently reliable. Read the criticism and praise mindfully: pay attention to reviews that discuss specific strengths/weaknesses of the professor and teaching style. Obviously, ignore reviews where students are writing from a place of bitterness. For example, ignore if the reviewer is pissed about a hard class / getting an unsatisfactory grade. Also, ignore if the reviewer says the professor is a “great person.” Being a great person doesn’t mean they’re great at their job (of course, there are many great professors who are also great people, and vice versa). Generally, your life is a lot easier if the professor is wickedly good at teaching the concepts because (theoretically) it’s relatively straightforward to be a good student (there’s honestly not a whole lot to complain about if you’re comfortable with the material). That’s compared to a more problematic situation when you are forced to understand material from a professor who sucks at explaining stuff, regardless of whether they have a charismatic or repulsive personality. So... if you pick professors who are good at their jobs, here’s the best case: if they’re a great person, being a good student will allow you to (almost effortlessly) develop a good relationship with them. And here’s the not ideal, but not terrible case (and also unlikely case, since most professors are awesome on all fronts): if they’re an asshole but good at teaching you probably won’t even need to go to office hours and interact much but still earn a satisfactory grade. Also, on RateMyProfs, the perceived “difficulty” of the professor is worth paying attention to. The big asterisk is that it’s important to realize college students think about the difficulty of their classes compared to previous classes they’ve taken (aka for freshmen, the benchmark is their high school classes). Thus, this metric is somewhat subjective for ratings on first-year classes because that depends on how hard high school was for the individual writing the review. But if the reviews universally say the professor/course is mind-blowingly hard or easy, it’s worth keeping in mind. 

3. Use hyperschedule.io to organize your life. Think about 8 a.m. classes (not that bad tbh) and how you want to schedule your free time. I personally find it hard to have 1 hour blocks of free time; I get nothing done. I need 2.5+ hours to hunker down and complete a task from start to finish without feeling unnecessarily rushed (like feeling panicked). 12:15-1:15 is the craziest time in the dining halls. If you get out of class at 10:50 am, you can catch an early lunch, where everything is stocked up. Or if you get out of class at 12:15 and don’t have another class until 2:45pm or later, you can catch a later lunch, a more quiet dining experience but fewer options (but you can still find something you like if you pick the dining hall wisely). 

4. During course registration: don’t panic. 

5. Nepotism is a thing. People get into classes because they have a relationship with that professor (so use this fact to your advantage as time moves forward). But, if you don’t get into a class that you really wanted to get into and have never interacted with the professor teaching that class: 

a. submit a perm. it’s a tweet. be concise. don’t just say the class “works for your schedule,” but think about the specific reasons you want to learn from that professor. a perm that combines the prof’s engaging and effective pedagogy (lecture / discussion / a textbook the prof authored / project) with your interest in the content of the class is an unstoppable perm (think: if you are drawn to just the content of the class or that you have to do the course bc it fulfills a GE, your profs can be like, go take it somewhere else bc there’s almost always a class somewhere in the 5c’s with empty seats that’s covering similar material, if content / satisfying GEs is all you care about) . 

b. send a follow-up email immediately after, and make your case more thoroughly. flattering words (that aren’t excessive) about the prof don’t hurt. talk to people who’ve taken the class to extract specific, once-in-a-lifetime classroom experiences that you can allude to in your email. finding alums of a class is easier than you think. ask around. you did sign up to go to a college with a sense of community. use it. 

c. if no response from the prof or a response along the lines of “i can’t guarantee anything,” be ready to show up to class on day 1. even if the prof responds with a gentle no, showing up to the first class isn’t a bad idea. if at the first class, they are firm that they have no more spots and no questions asked, then unfortunately the case is closed (it’s a sign to take another course that interests you AND you can try again next semester). but if they don’t provide a definitive “no,” you can keep trudging forward, following the steps below. 

d. at the end of day 1 class (i don’t recommend talking to the prof at the beginning of the class because everyone is anxious), talk to them. make your case again. be friendly. you aren’t entitled to a spot in their class, so don’t act like it. 

e. if still nothing decisive, at this point you’re fighting a war of attrition. the prof doesn’t really care. nevertheless, you persist: do your homework diligently, show up to office hours, always go to class, sit in the front if you can. stay hopeful because this is the window where people are “shopping around” and often are dropping classes. 

f. if the prof is consistently unresponsive, keep going with this strategy mentioned in part (e) until the add deadline. i always have told myself: if you make a point that you really want to learn, the professors love that, and they really can’t stop you from doing that. unless they’re really unreasonable / difficult or there just aren’t enough seats in the classroom, they’ll let you in -- at the end of the day, it’s their job to impart their knowledge to the next generation of eager thinkers. 

Academics: it’s not always pretty, but it’s fulfilling if you do it right. 

1. People say freshman fall is a throwaway semester, and I’ve seen academics get tossed to the side. Yes, use the time to adjust, make friends, and have fun. Respect yourself and the transition you’re making. But hold yourself to a high academic standard. I say this because most of us experience some level of impostor syndrome upon our arrival at (a top liberal arts) college. After a few months, we may feel like we belong socially, athletically, extracurricularly, and culturally, but in my opinion the most important aspect of college life is feeling like we belong to the intellectual community. While genuine self-confidence is the most powerful force to conquer impostor syndrome, a bit of external validation (aka grades) can go a long way in making you feel empowered and confident (also why people commit to colleges that give them merit aid -- it’s a form of external validation to prove that they belong at that college, intellectually). 

2. First 3 weeks: don’t party too hard (or don’t go out at all, if cold turkey is easier than tempering the alcohol and fun). If the professor assigns textbook reading even though she lectures in class, do it. As concepts are covered in class, do the corresponding practice problems. Go to every office hour, even if you have, like, 1 clarifying question. The first few weeks of the semester is always when everyone is running around --adjusting, partying-- because there aren’t looming projects and exams, but the first 3 weeks are the most important weeks of the semester. Academic coursework in college builds on itself, and having a commanding grasp of the first few weeks of the material will ensure success later on. You can always stop reading the textbook and stop going to office hours if, after 3 weeks, you find it redundant or unhelpful. Think about this analogy: when driving a car, you have to push the gas pedal relatively hard to accelerate your car a tiny bit, but it is effortless to release the gas pedal. The car will slow down immediately. Go hard in the beginning; you can always chill out. In contrast, when you realize during week 4 that the professor’s way of explaining things is convoluted and then you turn to the textbook or tutors, your experience catching-up will feel hard and not very fun. 

3. Preview the material before you go to class, pay attention in class (SIT IN THE FRONT ROW and ask questions in class, this alleviates any confusion immediately which saves time in the long run), and then review the material after class. Everyone is so scared of learning through repetition and memorization (especially in Western educational institutions, there’s this paranoia and fear about busy/rote work), but even at a top educational institutions like cmc/pomona/mudd professors are going to ask you to memorize stuff. Prof. Sarkis (linear algebra professor!) has always said that to speak a foreign language (understand linear algebra!), you first have to memorize the basic words (definitions/proofs!) in order to construct sentences (discuss complexities in linear algebra!). So if they make us do it in math (which doesn’t seem like a class that requires students to memorize crap), then every class has an underlying set of vocabulary, and you should know it like the back of your hand. Memorize by frequent repetition -- tip: schedule your (p)review habits around your classes (preview, go to class, review immediately after; rinse and repeat), which holds yourself accountable and establishes routine. Every time you do a cumulative review of the material after class, you should review the material so thoroughly that you’re prepared to take the midterm if it was the following day. This discipline will save you time when you prepare for and take the actual test. Since most of the stuff is already in your head, midterm studying will be easier. That’s a no-brainer. During tests, I’ll make the argument to you through proof by contradiction: if you choose to not memorize stuff and instead “reason” through it on the test, you waste time. So, why not just memorize the theorem or fact and save yourself time and mental energy? 

4. Use the QCL/CWPD. They get paid. You get help. It’s a win-win! If there are a bunch of people available to tutor a subject: in the beginning of the semester, shop around. Try different people (perhaps present them the same assignment) and see who works best for you. Book appointments ahead of time. Planning is important -- anticipate a problem set or paper, and assume that you will have questions (okay, so if the pset was easy, you might not have direct questions about the pset, but the act of doing the pset forces you to engage more with the material, so you will probably have questions about the material itself), book an appointment before your favorite person gets booked up (unlikely to happen, but still, certain time slots with your person can be competitive). Tip: if you schedule an appointment 24 hours before the pset is due, that will motivate you to get the pset/paper done in advance of the meeting so you can check stuff with the mentor/consultant. This will force you to not do assignments last minute, which makes them a lot more enjoyable and interesting! 

5. Go to Office Hours. If professors go over psets during office hours, make sure you try to solve the problems prior to attending. Learning and truly understanding material is NOT a spectator sport. You have to actively participate! Don’t show up to just get the answers. It shows, you aren’t learning as much, you aren’t pushing yourself to reach your full potential, and you aren’t getting your bang for your buck in terms of expensive tuition. If you don’t have questions about the material, ask professors about their lives. Did you know that people’s favorite topic to talk about / write about is themselves? It’s also a privilege that we get to interact directly with professors; that’s not the case at most top institutions. Showing up means you care (I have gone to many office hours, and it’s obvious that nobody else shows up because it doesn’t directly benefit their pursuit of earning a good grade). If you have a borderline grade at the end of the semester, being a regular attendee of office hours will bump your grade up.

6. Midterms. The word “midterm” sounds more stressful than “test.” Yes, they are weighted more heavily in college than they were in high school, and to guarantee yourself an A at the end of the semester, you must submit decent work for each midterm/project/assessment and for the final exam. This is speaking in terms of the A cutoff listed on the syllabus, which is usually 95+. So a final grade of a 93 technically won’t guarantee you an A but that doesn’t mean the prof can’t or won’t bump you up, but this is case-by-case and thus unreliable. Often, with 1-2 midterms, a final, and some free participation/homework points, there’s some wiggle room. That’s the truth, but you should never tell yourself that, since you will likely slack if you persuade yourself with that truth. 

a. advice as your scramble in prep for your first midterm: study your hardest for your first midterm! you don’t know what to expect, and you shouldn’t expect an easy test (philosophically you’ll always be disappointed). prepare for the hardest exam you can imagine, and then if the exam is easy, well, that’s a lovely treat and you probably just knocked it out of the park. the material covered on the first midterm lays the foundation for the rest of the semester, so if the first midterm goes well, you’ll have an explosive amount of confidence moving forward. 

b. nevertheless, the whole “midterms aren’t everything, they are an arbitrary measure of self-worth, and you have wiggle room moving forward” is a good reality check when your first midterm doesn’t go as planned -- which is frequent, since you’re adjusting to a new teaching style and often a totally different discipline of study. after a less than ideal first midterm, know that your overall course grades are more volatile in college than they were in high school, and that should be an empowering fact. your grades will change for the better if you’re willing to put in the work. doing well on the next midterm/project/paper can virtually erase any previous screw up, if you’re willing to put in the work (see the pattern?). what does a willingness to put in the work entail? you have to commit to working harder than you did before (even if you already thought you were operating at your max, you can push yourself harder!) to perform the way you want. that means being generous about your time: don’t complain about how much time you spent on a pset or at office hours. the newsflash is that understanding concepts thoroughly takes time, focus, and discipline. in fact, you might need more time than your peers, so quit comparing or internalizing that other folks are breezing through the class. they might be, but it’s in your best interest to assume that they are also grinding just as hard, if not even harder, than you to get the results they are hoping for. 

7. Finals: in high school, it was really hard for final exams to change your grade for better or for worse, but in college, finals are powerful! If you want to raise your grade and you’re willing to put in the work, finals are the IDEAL opportunity (life hack: if you think of your work as opportunities rather than obligations, you will be happier). 

 *make a plan* (channel elizabeth warren, who has a plan for everything). think about each course that you’re taking, and classify it as situation (1) or situation (2) -- see below. make a list of everything you’d like to get done before the exam; this act helps you visualize which classes have more work. allocate time accordingly, and prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. prioritization takes bravery. do you really need to spend an afternoon, 1 week before finals start where time is still plentiful, studying for an exam in a class that you have a 98%? yeah, it’s always scary to leave stuff off to the last minute (at least for me), but it seems like you can probably cram for that exam the day before. since you understand the concepts, you’re just refreshing your memory. it won’t be too painful. more pragmatically, one week out before the craziness, the course that’s borderline A-/B+ is probably on the forefront of your mind. not groundbreaking, but worth noting: the only way to reduce stress about that class is to do something about it! in this case, study! use the 1 week before finals start, where time is still plentiful, to work though conceptual blips and re-teach yourself challenging material (this should not happen the day before the exam, so make time for it well in advance). trust me, that will make you feel accomplished.

key mindset: you will feel more steady/calm in the days leading up to the exam if you already have a good grasp on the major concepts and just have to fill in some minor gaps. 

situation (1): in the most ideal world, you knock it out of the park for each midterm/project -- and the final exam/project will be chill. this is for 2 reasons: a) most pragmatically, you can afford to not do as well and still get an A. you’ve bought yourself extra wiggle room, and b) philosophically, the strong work you’ve consistently submitted throughout the semester shows that you have a solid grasp of the material, so that final will just come down to some focused memory-refresh. 

situation (2): that ideal case is most often not the case. a rough midterm happens. that’s life. my advice after being in this situation every semester: midterms provide some indication of your understanding of the material (unless you have another metric, which is great!), so review those mistakes and make sure there are no conceptual gaps there. you’re going to have to go through everything discussed in class with a fine mesh sieve and ask yourself -- do I really understand this, or do I need to spend a few more minutes/hours hammering this concept out? (you shouldn’t be doing much during finals week anyway, so “I don’t have time” is not an excuse). it’s going to feel a bit more like catch-up (aka hell, as mentioned earlier) the days leading up to the final exam, and you’re probably beating yourself up about why you aren’t finding yourself in the circumstances of situation (1), but stop feeling sorry for yourself and start grinding. it is 11/10 worth it when you get that A! 

sleep and eat during finals. take breaks. make sure you are crystal clear about when you’re supposed to be and where for your exams. last minute changes are all too common, so clarify logistics before everything gets crazy. then you can spend all of your time doing the important thing -- studying. 

College midterms and finals are really rewarding! Since you have fewer of them, the adrenaline rush and stress is real. For me, high school was more a slow burn with a million tests happening simultaneously, but college workflow is more like short bursts of craziness with hearty breaks. You’ll be exhausted at the end of each stressful climax, but it feels fulfilling when you have a comprehensive understanding of the material. 

8. Group studying: don’t do it. Much of learning is actually a lonely activity. I can’t speak for everyone, but here’s my personal experience: group studying is fun, but I reach record-breaking lows in productivity when I study with others. However, I consistently find myself in a state of flow when I’m isolated and have literally nothing to distract me. In my ideal world, I would sit in a room with no furniture, just white walls and a desk in the middle. My laptop would just disappear when I didn’t need it, since that is a major procrastination tool for me. In our realistic world, my preferred study spaces are the 4th floor of the library, South Quad study lounges (if people don’t collaborate in there), or the Reading Room (I do get pissy and will call people out or pack up my stuff and leave if I hear whispering). The sole purpose of convening a group of classmates should be last minute regurgitation of general concepts. Explaining concepts to another human is helpful review. But if you are your best critic, you can also just teach the air or the wall and get feedback from yourself about your understanding of the material? At the end of the day, you know yourself best, and you are able to be the most honest/brutal with yourself about your understanding (think fine mesh sieve analogy mentioned earlier). I also believe that group studying is only helpful when I have buddies who have a similar level of understanding as me. Otherwise, I feel overwhelmed because I can’t keep up with the discourse or I end up being the tutor. As discussed earlier, being helpful takes time and energy, and usually the week before a midterm is busy and tiring. 

9. Studying: I like writing on blank paper! Try it. I feel freed, both literally and symbolically, when there are no lines on the page. I do all of my homework and study guides on printer paper. 

9.5. Basic truth, but worth stating: Put your phone away, and put your laptop away when you clearly don’t need it. Often, I tell myself I need to look something up on my laptop, and 30 minutes later I’ve totally forgotten what I was actually supposed to be doing on my laptop. Also, you don’t need to respond to text messages and emails immediately! If it’s an emergency, people will call, and you can hear your phone ring even when it’s put away (or even better, they’ll find some other way to get a hold of you). At a minimum, I’m assuming you check your email/phone twice a day, so you won’t ever run the danger of accidentally ghosting someone; you can afford to not check your email or texts when you’re studying. I always think about my elementary and middle school years and how I was much more focused back then. Also, during that time, I had a phone that wasn’t all that interesting and didn’t use my laptop. Coincidence? I think not. 

10. Always carry a folder with some scratch paper in it. Take the cover sheets from the printer (I take other people’s cover sheets as well, since everything left on the printer is fair game). Sometimes everything is a jumble in your head, and writing it down on an unimportant piece of paper allows all the thoughts to just pour out and organize themselves. In linear algebra we called our scratch paper our PSMS (private safe math space). In this space, we don’t feel the pressure of writing out a perfect proof or solution on our first try (newsflash: it’s impossible). It gives us freedom to think and try things out. Then once you get all of the thinking done with arrows and exclamation marks and things crossed out, it’s easy to put everything together in an aesthetically pleasing and logical way. 

11. Grades: have the discipline to not discuss grades with your professors. If you focus on the material and the process of understanding the material, they will love you! And that love will help you earn satisfactory grades. Among all of the professors I’ve had, they share a universal hate in discussing grades (some will tell you that explicitly in the syllabus or whatever), but just don’t be that person. This semester in math we were fully banned from discussing grades and honestly that made me learn the material a lot more voraciously. Here’s a reassuring note that will hopefully persuade you to not worry about grades even more: after finals, professors will try their best to give you what they can. People say that they’re always pleasantly surprised when they see their transcript. You must give your professors a reason to give you the benefit of the doubt -- that means enjoying the process of learning cool new things and kicking ass on each of your midterms! 

[spicynbachili1]

Neo Geo Mini outshines the PS1 Classic, could pave the way for a GBA Mini

But it’s not without its missteps

I don’t know what’s going on with the Neo Geo Mini. Shortly after I got my hands on one, SNK announced that an upgraded Holiday version of the hardware would be going up for pre-order in the coming days. That’s not a good sign. I have to guess that the initial SKU failed to sell as well as SNK had expected, leaving them scrambling to rework the units they already produced into a more marketable package. Their apparent lack of confidence in their product leaves me pessimistic about this weird little machine’s future. 

It’s a shame too, because this is by far my favorite plug-and-play mini console to date, at least in terms of its library. I bought the NES and SNES Classics day one, and I love them to “bits”, but there’s no denying that nearly all the games on each system are outdated. That’s the point of the nostalgia-powered novelty collections though, right? To take a trip in your mind back in time? 

If so, then that’s probably why the Neo Geo Mini isn’t selling. These are not the games that many grew up loving. These are the games that most of us could only afford to play for ten minutes a week at the local arcade, before going home and sinking hours into The Legend of Zelda or Sonic the Hedgehog. That said. there are several games on the console that stand up to the best that 2018 has to offer in their respective genres. Garou: Mark of the Wolves looks and plays better than 99% of today’s fighting games. Metal Slug 3 is still the best looking 2D run-and-gun action game I’ve ever played. There are also plenty of quality games on here that I’d never heard of before. For instance, if you told me that Ninja Masters was as all new indie fighter, and not a Neo Geo title from the ’90’s, not only would I have believed you, but I would have been more than happy to pay $15 for it.

That’s why, despite my love of Jumping Flash and Super Puzzle Fighter, the Neo Geo Mini beats out the PS1 Classic for me this holiday season. It’s also why I am more optimistic than ever that Nintendo will skip the N64 when it rolls out its next Classic console, and will instead jump straight to the Game Boy family of systems. I’ve already taken my Neo Geo Mini on the go with me a few times, and I’m sure people would love to do the same with a similarly versatile handheld/home console pre-loaded with games from Nintendo pre-DS portable generation. The Neo Geo Mini has issues, but its definitely worth looking into once Black Friday rolls around. 

The Setup 

The Neo Geo Mini is a better handheld than it is a home console. I have fairly large hands, but I’ve had no problems with the stick and buttons on the console itself. The screen is also bright and clear. The console doesn’t take batteries, and instead runs off of a USB port, similar to most cell phones. I’ve played it running off my car’s cigarette lighter USB adapter, a mobile cell phone battery, and hooked up to my laptop on the train, and as of yet I’ve had no problem with power supplies, or pulling off special moves in KoF 2002 while on the move.

The optional control pads (sold separately) aren’t nearly as nice. The analog stick is loose and the buttons are loud and clicky. They aren’t impossible to get used to, but its strange that they are such a downgrade from the stick built into the console itself.

In some misguided attempt to replicate the arcade experience, all the games are programmed to have a set amount of tokens for both players, You can tone down the difficulty ,or increase the amount of default lives you have for most of the games, but your starting token count never changes.

These are not arcade original roms though. Most have been altered for the home market to let you save then restart from whatever stage you last made it to. You can also open up the emulator’s menu and activate save states. It’s a pretty weird system that is cumbersome and confusing at first, but that’s easy to forget once you acclimate.

The emulator also has some real bare-bones features, like the ability to turn on pixel smoothing and stretching. It’s extremely small-time stuff, and for the most part, will make each game look different or worse, but never better. With the correct aspect ratio and smoothing off, the games look about as good as they do on the Switch or PS4, at least to me. I haven’t had my eyes checked this year, so maybe I’m missing something, but pressed my face up right up to the screen to look for artifacting, and my 41-year-old eyes didn’t detect any. So that’s good news. The bad news is, the only extras here are a couple of stickers. No in-menu history section, no bonuses, nothing but a instruction booklet for the hardware itself. 

The Games

There are 40 games on the Neo Geo Mini. The console costs about $110, so you’re getting each one for less than $3, about $5 less than what they might go for on digital storefronts, assuming they are available anywhere else at all. They fall under the genres of fighters, wrestling games, run and gun, shmups, beat ’em ups, sports games and unnerving Tetris knock offs. There’s actually only one of these here, but it’s worth mentioning for how bad it made me feel. 

The range of quality here is pretty enormous. Some of these games are a sincere waste of time unless you go in strictly to marvel at how much gaming has changed over the past 20 years. Others are games that I sincerely believe are some of the best ever made. I’ll break them up into three categories (Oddballs, Mid-tier and Classics) and do my best to describe them for you. 

The Oddballs 

Blue’s Journey, one of the oldest games in the bunch, is relic from a bygone era, not unlike a cigarette commercial starring The Flintstones. It has a decidedly launch era TurboGrafx-16 feel to it, with overly detailed backgrounds and very small characters. They don’t make them like this anymore for a reason. It’s generally messy, but in a sort of “manic toddler eating a $1 box of sugar cookies” sort of way. 

Robo Army is so bad that it’s funny, but not that funny. The opening cinematic is completely bananas, promising unhinged Sci-Fi violence on whole other level, but when you finally get control of your character, things slow down quickly. It’s a beat ’em up where you play as a cyborg that can randomly turn into a car, as you blow up other cyborgs, giant dogs that turn out to be cyborgs, and angry cars. It’s clunky and sad, but those with a morbid curiosity for what people used to be willing to play for $.25 microtransactions might find it interesting in a scientific sort of way.  

Mutation Nation starts off feeling similarly janky, but after a few minutes, you’ll see that a lot of the animation here is pretty solid. Charge moves lie at the core of the game’s combat system, which is novel for the genre, and the Akira-meets-Cronenberg character designs are surprising, sometimes genuinely disturbing.

Ghost Pilots is a top down WW2 shmup that was probably trying to leech off the popularity of 1942 and 1943. It’s totally fine, but nothing to write home about.

Crossed Swords is another beat ’em up, but this one plays from a Punch-Out!!/Pato Box perspective. It’s more polished looking that Robo Army, and the RPG elements add some depth, but the combat is a total mess. That’s bad news for a game that’s about, uh, combat.

Puzzled is the Tetris-knock off I brought up at the top. It really makes me appreciate all the little quality-of-life improvements that are found in recent Tetris games like Tetris Effect and Puyo Puyo Tetris. All you can do is move, rotate and drop you paces, so even the most basic of advancements like the T-spin is out of the picture. The game has a campaign mode and different stages, based around trying to free pixies who are trapped under some blocks? I don’t know guys, video games just sort of do their own thing sometimes. 

The Mid-Tiers

Magician Lord is one of the first games I ever blew $20 on at an arcade in order to see it to the end. Playing it now is not that great. In many ways it feels like Castlevania with larger characters, but the controls are just as stiff, making it hard to keep your giant hitbox out of the way of enemy attacks. It’s got a cool transformation gimmick though (you can turn into a dragon, a ninja, or even Poseidon for some reason) and one heck of a creepy womb level. 

Kizuna Encounter is a fighting game that probably started of in development as a two-player beat ’em up. Two of the games ten playable characters are beautifully animated, while the rest are serviceable but unimpressive in their appearances. What’s really interesting about the game is it’s tag team system. Unlike in recent tag fighters like Marvel Vs. Capcom: Infinite, you have to get close to your partner before you can tag them in. They don’t automatically jump in when the character you’re using is out of health either, adding an interesting layer of strategy to the otherwise standard Street Fighter II-style fighter. 

Ninja Masters feels like it was supposed to be the first entry in a series that would work as the Ninja equivalent to Samurai Showdown. They clearly didn’t have a lot of RAM to work with for their ambitions, as the characters are relatively small, but it has some really smartly executed animations. If I were game designer and one of my students wanted to learn how to make realistic, non-pandering breast physics for their game, I’d probably point them to towards Ninja Masters. The whole thing culminating in battle with good old Nobunaga, which is a lot of fun for fans of magical Japanese history games like myself.

Sengoku 3 is another ninja game, a beat ’em up this time, one that’s gotten a lot of praise from retro enthusiasts over the years. I’m not 100% sure why. It’s got good art and a varied cast of characters, but nothing about it really stands out about it. Maybe I’m just unfairly comparing it to the Capcom Dungeon and Dragons games without realizing it. 

Blazing Star (sequel to Pulstar) is a pretty good shmup that works on a upgrade system that extends the length and strength of your charge shot meter. Picking up power ups doesn’t always make your basic shot better, but it does give you the potential to fire off huge payloads of neon energy if you play your cards right. Other than that, a standard sci-fi anime shmup.

Last Resort is more up my alley, with a novel take on R-Type‘s bit system and even greater attention to detail to make the world you destroy feel lived in. The open levels takes place in a city under siege by giant robots, featuring little civilians driving – or even running – away from the carnage in a futile attempt to survive. It’s adorable and sad in a way that few modern shmups bother going for anymore. 

Shock Troopers and its sequel are Ikari Warriors-likes with an added evasive maneuver (a roll or a jump) to get you away from bullets, though it has a fair amount of a cooldown so you can’t spam it. The animation is better in the second one, but some of the backgrounds and characters have a weird pre-rendered look that can be a bit of a turn off, whereas the first one has more consistent art direction overall. Still, both are fun enough if you’re in the mood for some hard boiled co-op arcade action. 

King of Monsters, King of Monsters 2 and 3 Count Bout, are all wrestling games that are a nice alternative for people who want to beat up their friends without having to worry about too much depth getting the the way of the immediate violence. The King of Monsters games are based around Kaiju films, which adds an extra layer of charm if you’re a fan of the classic rubber suit Toho movies of old. 

3 Count Bout plays it more straight faced, but it’s definitely very “videogamey”, as are Foot Ball Frenzy, Super Sidekicks and Top Players Golf, the other three sports games found in this collection. Technical limitations permitted them for going for anything that approaching “realism”, but the sprite-based graphics have a loving, hand crafted feel to them, and the respective designs of each game play like cartoonish approximations of the source material. 

World Heroes 2 Perfect has a special place in my heart, as its has both the most superhuman fake Bruce Lee in the history of gaming and a psychic monk based on Rasputin, Russia’s famous love machine, but I have to admit that it’s not as deep, original, or well crafted as most of the other fighting games here. Still, it’s the best World Heroes game of them all, so if you were ever curious about what the Battleborn equivalent of ’90’s 2D fighters was like, then you’re in luck.  

The Classics

A lot has already been written about the Metal Slug, Samurai Shodown, and King of Fighters families of games, so I probably won’t go on and on about them here. Like I said at the top, I think Metal Slug 3 is one of the best looking games ever made. Metal Slug X/2 and the original game in the series come close behind it. Metal Slug 4 and 5 are notably less visually impressive than the games that came before them, with little in the way of new enemies other than bosses. So you can stop after 3 if you want, but if you don’t, go into the next two with lowered expectations. 

There are only three Samurai Shodown games here, and they stand out as some of the most extreme iterations of the franchise. Sam Sho 2 is is essentially the first game but with more characters. Samurai Shodown IV: Amakusa’s Revenge retains the new and improved sprites and Slash/Burt systems from Samurai Shodown III while (you guessed it) adding more characters. Samurai Shodown V Special is essentially an apology for Samurai Shodown V, bringing together characters from every chapter of the series for one last hurrah.

The King of Fighters games are a little more difficult to break down, as they work as a giant crossover of various SNK franchises. Technically, Art of Fighting and Fatal Fury Special (an enhanced version of Fatal Fury 2) work as their prequels. They are both dated compared to the games that followed, but they have significance. Fatal Fury Special is the first game to officially start the shared SNK fighting game universe with it’s hidden battle against Ryo from Art of Fighting. Real Bout Fatal Fury is also on this collection. I almost put it on the oddities list, as its weird, three-plane fighting system is pretty strange. In the end though, I threw it here with the classics because it’s definitely a significant part of the evolution of fighting games. 

From there were have King of Fighters ’95. ’97, ’98, 2000, and 2002. The offer a nice overview of how the franchise evolved during the height of popularity enjoyed by fighting games in the late 90’s into the early 2000’s. From a visual perspective though, they largely pale compared to The Last Blade 2 and Garou: Mark of the Wolves. For my money, they are the two most beautiful SNK fighting games of that era, or any era for that matter.

[These impressions are based on a retail build of the hardware provided by the publisher.]

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      reviewed by Jonathan Holmes

    Filed under…

from SpicyNBAChili.com http://spicymoviechili.spicynbachili.com/neo-geo-mini-outshines-the-ps1-classic-could-pave-the-way-for-a-gba-mini/

[cryptoriawebb]

Dead Men Tell No Tales: review

What the hell, gotta start somewhere.

When I first heard about this movie, I initially wrote it off. The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has been around for so long and unlike, say, the Marvel Cinematic Universe or even the X-men films (of which I am personally partial to) they haven’t made any particular, long-standing mark, beyond Jack Sparrow as a character himself. That, and I wasn’t particularly impressed with On Stranger Tides. The story, I felt at the time, had wrapped up enough there needn’t be any further sequels, and standalone films (because that is what it felt like) seemed like nothing more than an excuse to keep pumping merchandise and Depp working in Hollywood.

However. I admit I have not seen On Stranger Tides since its release in 2011. I’m thinking I may go back and rewatch the entire saga, see if my overall opinion changes. I quite liked the first film, particularly the horrific angles and that it drew primary inspiration from a theme park attraction. When I heard this fifth installment was supposed to echo the first one in tone and supernatural involvement, I began to change my mind about writing it off. Then I saw the most recent trailer, a trailer that not only included Orlando Bloom, whom I assumed, along with Keira Knightly, left the franchise to pursue other opportunities, but Will and Elizabeth’s son. I admit, I’m a sucker for family relationship and tragic stories, and while yes, I would have been fine with leaving things At World’s End, a small part of me has always wondered what happened to the Turners after. Truthfully, I think I might have preferred a film focusing more on Bloom and less on Jack Sparrow; Jack’s…a unique eccentric, but as I said, I’m a sucker for tragedy.

Before I go any further I’d like to point out I tend to be anal about continuity. However many years apart these films are (any franchise, actually) they’re all telling one long story and things ought to flow as smoothly as possible. So I was a little confused, watching young Henry’s interaction with his father. If I remember correctly, Will could only return to land once every ten years, and the third film ended with the Dutchman sailing towards them. I may be wrong about that last part but I know for sure there was a ten year waiting period before reunion. So was this the first meeting between father and son? It didn’t seem that way, but the dialogue between them felt so melodramatic I couldn’t tell for sure. I’d like to think maybe it wasn’t, maybe Henry spent some months after meeting his father for the first time studying the Dutchman and mythology so he could find him at sea. Maybe along the lines of ‘finally meeting your father, seeing how much he cared for his family and how painful it was to say goodbye’ or something.

I blame the script more on Bloom’s delivery than the words themselves. I mean, they weren’t…the most original, reminded me of a soap opera, really, but there just didn’t seem to be any spark from Bloom, little or no energy. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but it kind of dampened what could have been a really dramatic moment. Ten years spent cursed among the dead…separated from your family against your will, that’s a lot to work with. I will say the boy who played Henry did a decent job capturing that urgent determination. I only wish it were reciprocated…

I’m not going to lie, part of me hoped, purely from a story perspective, Elizabeth had died. I think it might have added a little more to Henry’s character in adulthood; at the same time, I really did want to see the family reunited and I wasn’t expecting Knightly to appear, which might be why I informed my initial opinion. Off-screen mentions without appearance weakens a character’s intensity.

Honestly, I don’t have as much to say, scene-by-scene. Much of the film ran as most of in this franchise do: ludicrous schemes by Jack and his crew, chases and impromptu/chaotic character introductions, Barbossa’s sudden appearance, even the eerie sorcerous-types.  Don’t get me wrong, the story itself contained elements I didn’t see coming; I’m referring to the overall method of delivery—the journey itself as opposed to the stops along the way.

I do want to mention Salazar before I forget. His opening scene was fantastic and probably my favorite moment in the film. It was, and such a tease. I’d hoped by the way he looked and carried himself I was in for a really dark, horrific ride. Instead, that promise fell a bit flat in favor of quirky inflection and sexual innuendo. I will give the movie points for blending both the dark and humor well together: I’ve seen a few movies over the last couple of years fail spectacularly in this regard. And I also admit my inclinations for the spooky really are more personal preference than anything implied by promotion. It has been a few years since I’ve seen the first movie; it may not be quite as dark or scary as I remember, older as I am now.

Back to Salazar…he was by far my favorite part of the film. Yes, I have seen a lot of villains driven half-mad by revenge, but he held a kind of captivating power about him when on-screen. I couldn’t look away. Normally I’m not the biggest fan of computer-generated effects over the practical but it worked really well for Salazar and his crew. His face, his hair…when he first introduced himself as death I genuinely thought he might be. I would certainly by Death having a vendetta against Jack. He escaped…twice now? Technically? Although not without help, if I’m remembering correctly. Going back to effects, I was absolutely fascinated by he and his crew: you could tell even before the backstory they walked exactly as they died—his hair mimicking the water he drowned in I didn’t catch until the flashback but damn…such a cool effect. I do also want to point out what practical effects there were though. Salazar’s mouth—really all their mouths. I watched a bonus feature included in the first film some years ago that went in detail about applying ‘pirate teeth’ to the actors. I’m sure methods have changed over the years, but it’s no less interesting. Oh, and the black blood, or whatever it was…that was truly horrifying. I loved it. Salazar was by far my favorite character in this film and in my opinion, its one notable highlight.

Praise aside, I’m not sure introducing a new villain in the ‘final’ film was the best decision. It hurts me to say it because again, I loved Salazar, but I really think bringing someone back, someone the audience saw perish on one of Jack’s adventures, someone who blamed him or perhaps actively pursued and failed to capture/stop/kill him, might have added emotional weight. I had read there was speculation regarding Norrington’s return; I personally would have preferred this. He really came into his own as a character and serves as a prime example of what getting involved with Jack Sparrow can do. To see him undead and commanding a power he never possessed in life would have been so…I don’t want to say horrifying again but it would have. Especially a reunion with Barbossa!

Don’t get me wrong, I do think there is importance and significance in delving into Jack’s past. We see a lot of who Jack is and hear of what he’s done but we never see who he was and what made him the way he is. Though Jack isn’t my favorite character I know he’s the heart of this franchise and he deserves development, too. He’s constantly called ‘the worst pirate [I’ve] ever heard of.’ And that’s true, he really isn’t a good pirate…but he carries with him the essence of someone who once was. He still sees himself as this great, untouchable captain and I bet that’s why he’s stepped in so many times and prevented a lot of awful things from happening. That, and I’m sure some part of him cares about the people he’s with (which in hindsight may be why some people see him as a poor excuse for a pirate.) I don’t know…this isn’t meant to be a character study. Just some things to think about.

While not entirely necessary I did find it cool, seeing how Jack achieved much of his iconic attire. And where the compass came from…although I can’t for the life of me remember why it’s tied to the Devil’s Triangle. I really should have rewatched the other movies beforehand.

As far as the other new characters, I was pleasantly impressed. I worried I’d see copies of Will and Elizabeth in Henry and Carina; while there were small nods here and there both stood out as individuals, Carina especially. I was afraid she’d follow the same trend several female protagonists seem to suffer from lately; namely, a staple for female empowerment and nothing more. Thankfully, she wasn’t. Yes, she was strong-willed and stubborn but so is most everyone in this franchise and those traits are not at all signs of surefire propaganda. Adding astronomy/horology to her character also helped her stand out; I haven’t seen a character in the PotC world yet really touch on it, and it’s such a fascinating concept, at least to me, in historical fiction. Before the world of google and apple maps, there were stars. And people who could read them as easily as Siri can our phones fascinate me.

Loved her banter with Henry, too. It was cute, playful but not without that stubbornness on both ends. I’m usually adverse to the whole ‘love interest’ subplot; there’s hardly enough time in movies and during ones that move ahead, rarely any chemistry. I didn’t mind these two, even though I expected it. I think that lively, friendly spirit between them helped: they felt a lot more like equals than a lot of other romances I’ve seen on-screen lately. Speaking of the on-screen experience, I did not at all expect her to be Barbossa’s daughter. I’ve seen enough movies now I can usually predict most twist and turns; I didn’t at all see this coming. That was a pleasant surprise, especially when so much else about this film carried an almost fatigued familiarity. I did enjoy it, and I would probably go see it again, if only to see if there’s more to pick up, but it never once heightened the stakes beyond what this series has come to be known for. That, in my opinion, was probably the greatest tragedy.

Going back to the characters, because I’ve still more to say, I’m repeatedly amazed how Barbossa’s character continues to develop. In my personal opinion, he stands out the most because of it. Looking back on where he came from in the first film to now…there’s a real, honest heart and realness to him—you really feel what he feels and I was genuinely saddened by his death. I know someone had to die—someone usually does in ‘final’ chapters but I really wish it hadn’t been Barbossa.  I think some of this is definitely attributed to Geoffrey Rush, but some of it, too, to the script and direction. When he learned the truth about Carina, you could really see and feel what he felt; this continued in every scene following her but didn’t disrupt the pirate he was. Rather, I think it allowed another side only previously glimpsed to come out. Not just in previous films, but this one, too. I find it really interesting, and maybe clever, now, that he’s introduced as this lavish, temperamental ruler of the high seas. One might get the implication he’s become shallow, callous and full of himself, but this begins to change as his men begin to die and you discover more has changed than first assumed.

I really do wish Jack had been given an arc like Barbossa. Maybe not a surprise child, but something that drew more from him than his eccentricities. Although…one might argue the drunk, down on his luck pirate is development in of himself. We’ve seen Jack at his high points, but he isn’t where he was anymore and I wonder if the alcohol and insistence on tribute and whatnot are an attempt to cling to that greatness he once held…I digress. I would have liked to see more. Especially if this is the final installment. Jack is back on top again, but I’m not…entirely sure he earned it? If that makes any sense. He felt a lot more like a passenger in this film, an observer as opposed to an active participant. Strange, given the villain’s primary motives. In that regard, it is interesting when comparing him to Barbossa. At the start of the first film, they were in opposite positions. I mean Jack didn’t rule the high seas but he carried himself with an air that implied he believed it.

That sums up most of what I had to say. There are a few loose ends, however:

1)      Why did no one age? Hollywood has this bizarre notion we can just pretend however many years have passed despite no one except the young characters aging. I don’t buy it, and I don’t like it. Barbossa was the only one I felt who looked older, but only just. I would have liked to see Jack with a bit of gray in his hair, or Elizabeth with a few more lines. I’m fine with Will not aging, it makes sense for his character and it’s kind of interesting to think about: he’s spent so long aboard that ship, so long trapped in his cursed state while his son’s grown up…and for Will, physically, it’s like almost no time has passed at all.

2)      I’m glad Gibbs is back. He’s always been my favorite member of Jack’s crew. I did, however, miss those two goofy pirates. I forget their names, but one of them had a glass/wooden eye. They were always such fun characters and I can’t for the life of me remember what happened to them at the end of the last film (third film?)

3)      Paul McCartney! Didn’t recognize him until afterwards. I enjoyed the exchange, but I admit, that little scene confused me; I wondered if Uncle Jack had been mentioned or seen before. Now I understand.

4)      Did Barbossa know about the triton the whole time? Did he really believe it and study the location? I can’t remember.

5)      That possession scene was not nearly as freaky as it could have been. Salazar seemed so assured the Triton would fix everything it kind of killed its encompassing awe. There should have been more emotional weight and it should have lasted longer. I think that would have helped heighten the stakes. Everything in this movie was ‘a little of this, a little of that.’ Sampling but never having a full dish to yourself.

6)      I would have loved to see Poseidon. He’s one of my favorite Greek gods...although I doubt he’d actually look remotely Greek, but that’s another personal thing. I’m wondering if we’ll see him in a later film, now that his triton’s been destroyed. Or maybe he and the other gods have long since vanished—it kind of seems that way, with Calypso being a remaining oddity. Maybe the triton is a lone remaining artifact. Although I’m still surprised there wasn’t more protecting it. I can appreciate a different angle, although I think it hurt any direness the climax might have held.

7)      Speaking of the gods, do their curses remain in place, with the triton broken? That was never made clear…I hope so. I love the mythos of the sea and if this isn’t the last movie I’d like to see it brought back in some way. It’s always (well, once I got over my crush on Jack) been my biggest draw.

8)      What happened to Bootstrap Bill? Did he not board land with Will at the end of the film? Are we to assume he did even though we didn’t see it? Given the parallels between generations of fathers and sons, I’d hoped we’d see something more of him.

9)      Speaking of Will’s return, I did tear up a little but I felt Bloom’s acting fell flat, again. I really hope that’s just me though. I loved Will’s character arc and if there is another film I hope it follows the buzz I’ve heard so far: focusing on him and his son. Provided Orlando’s up for it, of course. I don’t want to sit through two and a half something hours of him half-assing it.

10)   Didn’t expect Keira’s cameo either. That was really touching.

11)   Davy Jones????? Is he back? Wikipedia (yes, Wikipedia) said the Triton freed him from Calypso. I’m wondering if that means curses set upon by gods remain unaffected by the triton. It would explain that slimy, tentacle-silhouette. But if he has returned, then why? How? Is he the last cursed creature of the sea? What does he have against Will, now? And will there be another movie?

12)   Less a critique and more personal wishlist:  I wanted more skeleton pirates. I don’t know how or why, but I wanted them. Really bring everything full circle although I have no idea how you’d bring it back. Maybe Salazar succeeds in ‘killing’ Jack or something but the Triton’s power gets in the way? I have no idea. That final battle in the first film was so memorable I really wanted to see something similar. I also wanted to see the Dutchman in action. The sea was literally parted, how cool would it be to see that ship swimming alongside one wall?

I really need to rewatch these movies. So many unanswered questions! I can’t believe I’m getting excited about PotC again…never thought that would happen in a million years.

[thesinglesjukebox]

CARLY RAE JEPSEN - NO DRUG LIKE ME

[5.38]

Waiting for the Carly to kick in...

Jonathan Bradley: Love is the drug, as pop music knows well, but Carly Rae Jepsen has never before needed the metaphor to evoke the intoxication in infatuation. And if she had never before sighed "starry eyes" over skin-glow synths, the cause could only be errata; that particular exhale has swirled since time immemorial in the primordial plasma from which all Jepsen music is formed. On this new single, she dives into inkiness on lines like "you say you love me but you wouldn't dare" and "a little history of us in there," but, for the most part, "No Drug Like Me" sticks to its tried fundamentals. These ones are quite fundamental. [6]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: "Party for One" was a boring rehash of CRJ tropes, but "No Drug Like Me" is worse: a half-baked idea stretched thin. Jepsen's at her very best when she's able to allow a specific emotion to feel like the single most important thing in the world, the instrumentation working hard to keep pace. On "No Drug Like Me," Jepsen's vocal melodies stifle the intent of the lyrics, and the beat is just as confused about what she's trying to accomplish. The verses' bubbling pulses and silky synth pads hint at a foreplay that never reaches climax. In the awkward, wobbling funk instrumentation is a revelation: Jepsen's been able to make all-caps EMOTIONS feel limitless, but her approaches to doing so have always been extremely limited. [3]

Will Adams: Maybe it's the titular drug that's causing all this unnecessary haze (hey, here's a downtempo Carly song that doesn't sound like it's been smothered in gauze), or maybe it's just a fluke. Then again, the other co-single, while upbeat and glittery and generally better written, is little more than TV spot fodder. The lasting impression from these three songs of the past six months is less the impactful Emotion type and more perplexity about when exactly Carly Rae Jepsen stopped sounding like Carly Rae Jepsen. [5]

Katherine St Asaph: Between this and "Party For One" I am genuinely worried about Carly Rae Jepsen's voice. The problem this time isn't shitty comping so much as a general smear of processing; the result isn't distracting, until you compare it to her vocals on Kiss, or even a few years ago. Did the label hire a new, terrible vocal producer? Is it some ill-fated attempt to sound breathy and R&B -- particularly weird, considering the genre's full of singers like Kehlani and SZA with clear, bright voices? Did she blow out her voice on the "Cut to the Feeling" chorus? She still writes swooning lyrics -- "if you make me feel in love, then I'll blossom for you" should, well, blossom. But Jepsen's voice always made every lyric feel urgent, exquisitely pained, almost piercing; flatten her vocals and and you get a flattened affect. It is a very strange feeling to wish Carly Rae Jepsen were singing a Carly Rae Jepsen song. [5]

Alfred Soto: The big fat bass serves as guard rail, arm rail, and anchor -- I can't hear CRJ because I'm alternatively clutching or clinging to it. I can call this experience intoxicating or rote -- there's no drug like Advil after a night of mixing cocktails, but I wouldn't call it one of a kind. [4]

Danilo Bortoli: Truth be told, Carly Rae has her own, very unique grasp to pop music. Not only because Emotion perfected and encapsulated a then ongoing trend, the nichification of pop, a world that album treated so specifically and absolutely that it is no wonder some people inside the bubble reacted to it being some sort of "Bible" for the modern era pop music fan. And absolute is a proper word for Jepsen now: her own narrative of love is so intense, so full of gimmickry, it is hard for critics not to confound her posture for extreme ingenuity. This wholesomeness has become her brand, a place of guaranteed safety which could often suggest something dangerous hidden below, both lyrically and sonically ("I have a cavern of secrets/None of them are for you," culled from "Warm Blood", are the best lyrics she has even written). The thing is, "No Drug Like Me" borrows from that strategy, which is ideal actually: While its twin is perhaps unduly sugarcoated, the latter is a bit more pensive, almost hypnotic. "No Drug Like Me" is not overproduced per se, but her approach to love as an ideal, lacking tension, has started to sound tiring. Which is to say: if Emotion was great partly because of its production on a sound design level (yet was transcendental to the point of becoming pop music), then "No Drug Like Me" tries to no avail to compensate its lack of tension with sound design. That offers an "interesting" sound, as a sound designer would say. But not enough from the queen of love itself. [5]

Pedro João Santos: This Jeppo dual release is yet another day of #JusticeForEmotion, padded out with the praises of newer, more tangible love, and with a micro-backlash. Languid, glistening deluxe track "Favourite Colour" is brought to heel by a speed-up, a rubbery bassline and tighter songwriting, not to mention some sort of psychosexual vibrancy not unlike that of "Warm Blood," but though excellent it may be, no surprises rest to be found. It's interesting how these new songs are supported by sonic options. Those teasing, dizzying arpeggios buried in "Party for One"'s hook, the batshit hi-NRJ bric-à-brac of "Now That I Found You," the deep groove of this one? Yessir. How I wish they went hand-in-hand with some sort of compositional or lyrical sense of innovation. [7]

Iris Xie: "Take me to the limit, hold me down" is a promising intro, with a little bit of direct beckoning in a quiet space that pulses a bit in anticipation. But that's where it ends, and afterwards, it all stalls. The chorus sounds stilted and forced, while not containing any of the expansiveness or wildness that usually would come from making a highly-tempered statement like "No Drug Like Me." There also is an issue where the throbbing synths accentuate the dryness of her timbre, which doesn't flatter the thinness of her voice. It's a strange decision to make, considering how Emotion's production hid it quite well with the level of reverb applied to her singing, which brought out the luminosity of Jepsen's sentiments. Additionally, in comparison to "Run Away With Me," where the instrumentals focus on heightening the sensation of breathlessness that is the gap between her desires and her acting on them, "No Drug Like Me" and its inert bassline swallows up Jepsen's usual heartfelt proclamations and makes her sound frail. Overall, "No Drug Like Me" exposes Jepsen's weaknesses as a vocalist when not hyped on 4000 per cent joyful vulnerability and cavernous synthpop, and sounds like the start of her Side C album. Still, the little parts that call back to a quieter intimacy are not bad, especially in the part of "Why would we risk it for another try? (Another try, come alive)." But that sounds like the post-chorus, or bridge, of another, better song, and is not this one. [5]

Thomas Inskeep: That synth bass on the chorus is PHAT. The rest of the song is a bit more lightweight than I'd like to hear from CRJ; there needs to be more there there, y'know? [6]

Vikram Joseph: Everything seems to be in its right place here -- a shimmering electro-pop pulse that bubbles gently under the surface, a chorus that fizzes and sparks just as you'd expect it to -- but this doesn't land for me; it feels just a little rigid, forced, even. Perhaps it's familiarity, or perhaps Sigrid and Tove Styrke are just doing this kind of alt-pop better right now, but Carly Rae Jepsen sounds short on flair and personality here, and "No Drug Like Me" struggles to get through Phase 1 trials. [5]

Stephen Eisermann: Although tonally much of the same, "No Drug Like Me" feels much darker than most CRJ songs and it's a welcome departure. This song takes a pretty tired metaphor and makes it feel new again, with the pulsing beat and CRJ's smooth vocals doing a lot of the heavy lifting in creating a feeling of mystery being unfolded. It's thrilling, sure, but more than that it's CRJ's best outing and is hopefully indicative of a different vibe for this next album. [8]

Josh Love: I'm not the first to point out that Jepsen's music is the YA of pop -- readily enjoyable art made by an adult and largely consumed by adults that taps into the feelings and experiences of being a teen, the outsized romance and the innocence being dramatically (though usually safely) punctured by illicit thoughts and deeds. Its simile linking the effect of substances to the sensations of love without naming or describing a specific vice, "No Drug Like Me" embodies Jepsen's earnest thrills. [7]

Edward Okulicz: While I'm not the Jukebox's biggest CRJ fan, even I can appreciate the delirious joy she exudes when she's the subject of a good pop-crush story. I think she's got a fine voice for the excitement of being awestruck in love, but her songs don't quite hit the spot. On this one, the song's worse than usual, I can't even hear the aspects of her voice that I like through the treatment, and she's lacking that bubbly enthusiasm she wears well as the subject of obsession. As the object, I don't even believe her. [4]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[thisisablogformyfeelings]

Final thoughts of a neurotic ruminator by Alex

(also possibly borderline or avoidant)

I've done what my family has likely been dreading for a number of years, I'm sorry.

This letter is addressed to everybody I have ever known, and even those I haven't if you're curious.

Pre-preface - To my family

First of all: Mum and Kristy, that pain, anger, grief, whatever it is you're feeling. Please postpone that pain for now and read. Listen to what I have to say that was able to begin saying in person but could never bring myself to finish. I'm sorry to do this to you and so so sorry for Gabby I regret coming back home for the sole reason of how much I feel this might affect all of you more than if I hadn't, I know you won't ever believe me but beyond a certain point this was inevitable. Trust in my knowledge of myself, please.

Please cry as little as possible for me, I hate that I have to write so little for you and so much for the clutter in my mind. I have been guilty of this my entire life and, what I was never able to describe to you and I think and hope you may understand now, especially you Mum, just that one thing I could never quite get across to you. Why was I always struggling to be as considerate and curious and passionate in my actions as I claim to be in my thoughts? Everything you're about to read is why.

Sorry for everything, I love you all.

Everybody else, more distant people in my family that I have such a great disconnection with now more than ever, I'm sorry to you too, for what it's worth. I resent that our family is or was so dysfunctional. Kristy, you need to sort your shit out and stop getting on the defensive whenever you're told something is wrong. Whether you agree or not isn't the point, you need to take time to look in yourself and see what Mum has done for us. Forget that we're family and think of what would happen if such conflicts happened between you and a friend, you would send them packing their bags of course. You don't do this with Mum because we all love each other, you know that she'll always be there for you and if you want to continue that you have to be there for her too. Please, I'm begging honestly. Learn conflict resolution and consideration. Realise that there's no need to respond to things in a spiteful way because things are never initiated in a spiteful way. Unless you're a truly awful person then spitefulness only ever comes from misunderstanding.

Auntie Tracey, Kiayl, Katie, Auntie Rachel, Jon, Steve, everyone that I haven't seen for so many years as a direct result of suffering, confusion and failure. I love you and I remember the good times we had. I remember sleeping near the ceiling at Auntie Tracey's, I remember eating Auntie Rachel's homemade jam tarts, playing on the trampoline and swings at Steve and Lin's, I even remember Steve driving my curiosity by showing me Bill Bryson's A Short History Of Nearly Everything which, unfortunately, I never finished but absolutely loved choosing random chapters to read through. I remember Kiayl throwing down his amazingly molded “sandwich dregs” from the balcony in Spain. I, by far, remember all the good times I had with you more than any “bad”. I love you all. I wish you could all find a way to love each other...

Please god whatever you do, do not insult me and my existence by letting yourselves be overcome with survivors guilt. I'm very sorry that you won't be able to understand my decision no matter how much I write about it. The simplest of reasons is that I'm just not compatible, I've tried and tried and now some parts of me are broken beyond repair. I love you all and that's all that matters.

It's quite possible that if you tried hard you could attribute any actions as a causal factor to me taking this steps, but on the same hand you could ignore all of those and simply blame me for refusing to stop making mistakes and allowing my mental state to deteriorate even more, for years consecutively. In the same way that you could argue the butterfly effect, you might cherry pick any “negative event” from my past and choose that as the absolute cause and point of no return, but everything before and after that, positive or negative, would have to be treated in the same and equal measure. So please, remember this and do not blame anybody other than the person who took this action.. me.

Preface

Please forgive me for this is going to be a whole lot of inane self centered self pitying ego boosting crap and also a whole lot of narrow minded projection about the world around me. I don't mean this to be a statement on anybody around me other than the violent, manipulative and abusive people I've had to deal with during my time away from home.

Also forgive me for seeming neutral or unemotional in this writing, I'm writing this with a purpose and because of the time I've spent considering this I think I'm able to do it with a bit of decorum. I will use my words to describe my thoughts and emotions as accurately as possible. I can't possibly convey the physical feelings, the wretching and crying as I came to terms with this decision, the empty fake happiness combined with random outbursts of tears while I'm alone after coming to terms with it. I'm very sorry. I'm not really sorry to the world around me I'm sorry to say (phew), I don't think I owe it anything. I'm maybe sorry to those few friends who still really clearly care about me after everything, after all the ridiculous impulsive, self destructive behavior that really just "isn't me" that they put up with for years on end, consistently. I have always been exactly the sort of person I would avoid and be afraid to engage with yet others gave me the time of day and I thank you all so fucking much for that.

L........, or H...... I'll say this one time, I don't know how to pronounce your name and I never referred to you as it but god I love you so much, for you I truly am sorry that it came to this. You extended a greater offer than most would even dream about, after the torrent of abuse I put you through, you still came through and forgave me and got over your worries to stay with me and support me. Yet I still let you down. Although it's painful to recall specifics of how I ruined friendships and I only realised recently that I have done it consistently from long before I was "ill" or touched drugs or anything like that, I will do my best to explain everything I can. It feels that, although I wasn't aware for a long time, every time I broke a friendship and lost a connection with an area that pain become compounded with all the other friendships and places I had already lost. I remember many of these things intimately even now. The three weeks I spent in Hereford in 2012 right before I became impulsive and landed myself in hospital for the first time. Those weeks were extremely adventurous and exciting, I'm not sure what I was thinking and most of all I regret wasting my good friends during those weeks as I abruptly ended our relationship for no real reason from hospital. You would think I'd learn from this mistake, or that it was simply a result of the stressful circumstances, well I continued to do the same with every friend I ever made and only the really persistent ones stayed by me. I can't fix the impression I left on those people or myself, I desire to do the right thing and leave the world.

For those who don't already know, I'm a 23 year old unemployed person living in a rural area in England. I no longer do much with my days but I'm still well involved with my family. I'll probably write in greater detail on the things I've done up until now in this note. I wanted to start off by saying yes, this is my suicide note, and the reason it's so long is because I was inspired to write something lengthy by something a friend said to me. I realised that I've wanted a creative output of some kind for so long, I'm not an artist, I'm not a musician, I'm not really anything, but I've dreamed of creating something for a long time. Every time I have created something in the past it has subsequently been destroyed. During my first hospitalisation in 2012, the YMCA in Grimsby heartlessly threw out all of my belongings as I had no way to have them collected. This included things extremely sentimental to me such as the childhood teddy of my auntie who died when I was age 4 and items from penpals over the years that I held dear to me. Even non-posessions... friendships, homes, education and work, every one of these things has been destroyed for me. I've been wondering what this urge was that I needed to satisfy, and I realised it when the "something" that my friend told me was praise on the way I articulate my thoughts, I never thought that that in itself could be some kind of ability. I don't have much confidence in it and it is a little bit frightening to allow anybody into my head in this manner, I don't think it serves as much more than a release for me and some kind of deeper insight for people who knew me. This is the last true creation I'm going to leave behind, it's the only thing I'm barely able to do anymore.

I'm putting an end to the trainwreck that is myself. I may self deprecate a lot, but I can look at myself from a more external point of view and consider it a bit more objectively, so please don't misunderstand. I can see minor positive traits in myself heavily outweighed by other traits that have consistently held me back.

I've always been an interested and curious person, as the years went on these interests and passions have actually only grown surprisingly. Professionals have pointed out that certain drug usage can kill motivation and interest but it was always imulsivity that ruined me more than anything, I could never keep anything up for a long time or consistently. but really, I genuinely believe my interests have branched and expanded even since I dropped out of college and lived my life until I hit a point where my interests encompassed everything. I can't think of a topic that I wouldn't be interest to study and learn about. This makes the world a very overwhelming place, knowing that due to my circumstances and I understand how I work pretty well, I could barely become a "master" of one of these interests, let alone every single one. I could never do all the things in my life that I dream of doing, I wasn't ever able to dedicate myself to one thing because of this, I never knew what I wanted but I think a part of me always knew that I wasn't going to figure it out.

I love life more than any other suicidal person I've ever spoken with, especially if you only consider those who choose suicide due to mental illness and not some other physical condition. I consider that my choice to abandon my life and myself is down to a combination of emotional and mental "issues", my likely immature philosophical view of the world and my general beliefs on anything spiritual and metaphysical. I'm led to this decision after considering what life I might live and especially what might happen after I die, whether that be now, in 20 years time, or in 50 years time.

I've never really changed my view about the beauty in the world and my passion for certain subjects and even towards the end of my life I've learned to be passionate about many things. I'm simply in awe at the sheer absurdity of everything. I can't beging to comprehend it and it's one thing that makes me feel so incredibly insignificant and for me it justifies suicide in most situations. Contrasting with the views of many people who arrive at this point, I think reality and nature are far more incredibly than simply life alone, I don't really require any spiritual or religious beliefs to be in awe at the universe. One thing that bugs me is that I can never fully understand how the fabric of the universe works, what really happened before the universe? Considering what is really the real physical reality for such astronomical questions are the most interesting thoughts I've ever had. However, even if I did know, there would be a time where I would stop knowing and so would all other conscious beings. Despite all this, I admire and appreciate the people who want to and are able to live a full and happy life. Maybe there is a spectrum of acceptance, those who know the true meaninglessness and embrace the liberation it brings, those who hold onto some vague idea of an afterlife or something like it for some comfort in an absurd world, and so on. I still believe there can be true beauty and altruism in the human world but it's less common that I thought. There really is objectively much more suffering than I ever realised. I think the sheer visual beauty, awe inspiring vastness of the beautiful things out there in the world are incredible and while a part of me is sad that I can never experience them, thanks to modern technology I've already had a pretty good view of everything I'm missing out on. I never really lost my sense of humour and I can totally understand why people choose to live and not to live. I understand that many people live an acceptably mediocre life and actually find a lot of value in that, but it's not infeasible that not everybody isn't compatible. I only wish I didn't have to feel like I was comitting a great sin, no matter how much I tell myself that I have the right to die, the greatest effect any kind of stigma and judgement has ever had on me was to force me to internalise everything rather than vocalise it, I'm sorry to say. I spent a lot of time in my last few months singing and dancing with a sense of impending melancholy, being an idiot while babysitting my niece, letting out my inner child as much as possible and enjoying the tiniest of things. I think I've lived good enough.

I think this note satisfies my urge for a few important things: to be listened to, to have some creative output, for that something to be significant or maybe helpful for my family to come to terms with some kind of feelings.

My final wishes

I considered sticking this at the end but for fear of it being lost in this mess I'll start with it. First I'd like my resting place, whether cremated or buried, to be a place where my cats can be laid too. Considering my materialistic and non-spiritual views it is likely one of my most irrational desires but it means a lot to me. I want so bad to be with my babies forever.

I am not concerned with my material posessions, please do whatever you like with them.

I'm less concerned with any type of ceremony that may happen after I'm gone, but if there happens to be anything of the sort I'd love for some classical pieces of music to be played. I considered this for a long time, considered all types of music and songs that I thought reflect my feelings well or just meant a lot to me. I decided now that classical music allows people to reflect any appropriate feelings within a person without leaving anybody (listeners) left out. Thanks mum for helping me realise this. By no means do I know a lot about classical, far less than I wish I did, so I'll go ahead and request that, if any music is ever to be played, it be one of these famous pieces that I love, and I also give these to you as my final musical expression:  Chopin - Nocturne op.9 No.2 and Debussy - Clair de lune or maybe even Erik Satie - Once Upon A Time In Paris for my goodbye, I would adore Howl's Moving Castle soundtrack/theme or the celestial beings procession music from  for any sort of "celebration" or wake etc. Classical music allows me to appreciate the contrasting beauty of the world around me and human expression against the ugly selfishness that rears inside all of us and the true objective futility of life. Another that I love and would appreciate being played for me would be Gabriel Fauré - Pavane, Op. 50. One more, since I can't help myself, Erik Satie - Once Upon A Time In Paris is a lovely piece.

Most importantly, please just read this letter. Disregard the fact that my writing is atrocious and repetitive. Please accept that this is the best way I can be true to myself and explain as best I can, all I ask is that anybody who was affected by me read this.

Why? The right to die etc

Taking into account my existential opinions and my feelings towards death, the possible outcomes I can see for my future and the flaws in my life that I just have to live with. I have known and thought about suicide for over a decade but only the past couple of years have I considered it a serious option, besides a few "blips" in the past. I was always fed the usual platitudes and ever since I was a young child I've seen some sort of psych or therapist intermittently with large periods of no care at all, this was ultimately my own fault as I could never keep up with appointments. However, after long deliberation I believe I can firmly make the decision with my own autonomy to end my life. It is my right and I am taking back ultimate control and agency of my life. We are all born with nothing but our bodies and it makes perfect sense that it is the one thing that, no matter what, we must always be able to control. While it's probably true that I developed these beliefs due to the mental and social instability, it's also true that these beliefs are now a deep part of me. Whether I am to die now or some other time, I know that I will certainly die by my own hand and I've known it for a very long time. Please do not attempt to invalidate my beliefs or feelings by attempting to claim one was influenced by the other. Even if this is the case, my feelings and my beliefs are exactly that. If you were to invalidate any of them then what do you propose goes in their place? You can't replace a part of me with something you find comforting for the sake of it.

The process that brought me to this final decision, however, was a very long and gradual one, brought on by a direct result of the way I reacted to my life at certain stages, possibly childhood and genetic factors, and effects of the constant factors present between all of the major stages of my life. In hindsight I think at a young age something wasn't quite right with me, it's harder for me to think back at ages <10 years old and think how specific situations affected my development as I do not remember my thought processes during those times, but I can make educated guesses based on the person I am today and what I know about my past. I didn't really know it at the time but there were a lot of things that I didn't really like about my childhood, my mum and sister are amazing people and I love them to pieces, but I still feel that I didn't enjoy the majority of my childhood. There are some memories I remember fondly, holidays and things, but in between was just grey most of the time. I'm finding it hard not to just tell my whole life story here as I feel every little thing accumulated for me to reach this point and not any one of them could pinpoint the path leading me to this decision. Even if am event could be identified that had affected a significant portion of my life, such as dropping out of college, there were always other external and internal factors at play that would have led me here. I fear one part of my decision or thinking might be plucked from this letter and attributed as the true reason for my suicide. I'm leaving this in good faith that won't happen. I am, simply put, the result of a very unfortunate combination of circumstances and events. I wish so badly I could consolidate this feelings and reasoning into one concise all-encompassing statement but it's impossible for me to do. Some of the more material aspects of my life are likely solvable or able to be minimised with time but others are impossible to remedy. The ones that are possible to remedy would take me decades to start living even a fraction of the life I ever reamed of or to reach a place that I should already have been in right now had I not dropped out and taken to drugs, impulsive behavior and deviancy. What I will say is that the things I'm stating in this letter are not my reasons. They are simply an insight into how I might have developed into the person I am today. From an emotional perspective, I'm tired. Very tired and I don't want to reconfigure myself with medication, numb myself or unlearn things that I know now. I refuse to respond to or access treatment at this stage, at risk of sounding melodramatic, I can't live with what I've seen. I understand clearly that life is a rollercoaster but when things are looking up I can never see the steep decline coming on the other side. I would much prefer a neutral non-existance than a wildly and tiringly exciting life in which I never know what to expect. I want to go to sleep very comfortably one last time, and continue that sleep forever into eternity. I'm sorry for choosing to leave early but again, please don't be sad, death is not a bad thing. Nothing of value hasn't been lost that wouldn't have anyway been lost at some point in the future. Not a single thing lasts forever, no impression or mark, therefore it's okay for me to have made this decision.

One thing I resent is whenever I read suicide, mental illness, suffering, etc literature with clearly pro-life and optimistic attitudes it only ever seems to be from the perspective of a...  developed country is maybe the best way I can put it. With the idea that suffering is transient and if you just hang in there everything will be okay and such other platitudes. If people would discuss mental health and suicide in a realistic way, from pop cultures about teen suicide being wildly innaccurate to optimistic generic literature that helps nobody by except teaching neurotypicals how to patronise depressed people with platitudes, I think that would probably make for some important discourse and perspective changing discussions. Having a sense of trust with someone who you can share your problems with intricately and be helped, this is what really matters, in my opinion at least for me.

I understand that people may not agree with this, using the right to die argument, you might say it's not applicable because I'm mentally ill, I'll come to this later.

Something that I've only recently forgiven myself for and tried to tell myself that I was just a victim of circumstance, I made certain choices of course but my choices must always have been linked to the past and therefore been accumulative. Because I found it hard to focus on one hobby or interest I never really developed a long lasting passion. When I went up to college I went in the direction of generic maths/electronics and well that didn't really work out. The past few years I've even lost my most of my passion for technology and "the nerdy stuff" as you probably realise. By dropping out of college and getting hospitalised, my life took a turn that I never expected, the drugs that I abused in subsequent years must have affected me to some degree too but all of my drug use was more of a response to rather than a cause of my suicidal tendencies. I think leaving college is the closest to an event, if anything, that could be pinpointed as the biggest change that lead me here. Immediately my vastly varying dreams of being anything I wanted came and crushed me into reality. I entered a world of real dread that I never knew and the same as back then, even now, I just can't accept being complacent. I can't just back down and say "well, it's not what I wanted genbut it'll do" even though I know that's exactly what I'm expected to do.

I've always explicitly told myself that I will give myself the room to "back out" if I felt it necessary, and refused to truly put any shame on myself for deciding I wasn't ready. I always wanted to make this decision correctly. I believe my mental disorder(s) are partially a cause for these feelings of course, but also partially a contributing factor for me still wanting to commit the act for sure. It's just another thing holding me back from living the life I dreamed of which never existed. One important thing I'd like to say that even if I were given the option to live my life again from the beginning but retaining all knowledge I have now, I would still choose to die, and I think this is an important part of my decision. I've developed a strong opinion that mental health issues can be a contributor to a rational suicide while not being enough of an affective factor to make such a suicide irrational. Of course, I'm biased on the topic but this is something I just feel is correct. A whole other question I ponder but won't explore too much is, "How mentally ill does a person need to be before they lose the ability to choose suicide rationally?".

Bioethicist Jacob Appel has criticized "arbitrary" ethical systems that allow patients to refuse care when they are physically ill, while denying the mentally ill the right to suicide. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_suicide

Yes, why must a person who suffers from mental illness be forced to live at all costs, even if the evidence points strongly to a continuing and extended period of physical or mental suffering?

Me, me, me

I've always been well aware that I have a degree of mental differences to most people, and that awareness grew stronger as I got older, and I suppose fueled a more real isolation for me too. I hate myself for all the times I reached out for help and got given it in buckets and yet I still consistently broke things. I never intended to be that way, I thought I would make a change and make some progress but I only ever leeched what I could, made myself comfortable for a little while, and then moved on to the next sucker.

Over the years I suppose I managed to internalise a great deal of what seemed like just intermittent negative thoughts, self views in terms of my mental and physical identity. It's something I tried to stop analysing so much as it never did me any good. I view it as just another thing that I wasn't very good at, having correct thoughts. It means very little now, the negative way I feel about my appearance and personality overall, as I won't have to live with it for long, but this is one thing I can't truly describe and if only I could let someone be inside my head and understand, I don't think I would need to detail my entire explanation in this letter if that were possible.

The more superficial parts of my reasoning: I don't desire to work for a decade attempting to earn back 4 years of time during vital brain development stages and hoping to reach a level that comes anywhere close to what I was led to believe my "potential" was. I don't think it should be required to earn the right to, at the very least, a comfortable life in a beautiful area with few troubles or worries but this certainly seems to be the case. It's almost like I have a case of existential laziness.

Through my experiences of death as I was growing up and the way it was presented to me as almost a positive thing every time (it's not sad because x is going to heaven, it's not sad because y is going to sleep forever, it's not sad because one day we'll all be together again) I think I developed much more of a neutral view towards death and therefore suicide too.

I hate the platitude that goes something like "Don't kill yourself because _____" and paints the hypothetical details of people when they find out you've killed yourself. Implying if I'm serious I haven't already been guilting and obsessing over this for a long time already? I have spent long days excruciatingly torturing myself over the situations that might occur after my death. I've vividly imagined how different members of my family might react immediately upon learning the news and in the following days, months, years. I've considered it so much that I've sobbed because there's no way I want to cause that pain to another person much less my flesh and blood and yet I still feel compelled to end it.

My most recent hospitalisation was just a week long, a year and a half ago. The week preceeding my 22nd birthday. I shan't speak about that too much here as I made a whole separate writeup for that experience, I had been under the influence of a large benzo overdose during my first days in that hospital so I was certainly struggling but I was also very well aware of what was going on around me, even during the effect of the benzos I never "blacked out" so to speak, I scrawled half of a letter on paper and then remember taking myself to bed. Hospital on the NHS was abusive and neglectful, I kept a handwritten diary so I can verify most everything in the writeup and even missed out some important and disgusting events and names of staff just because I'm not able to recall them absolutely clearly. PLEASE if nothing else, launch another investigation on this hospital based on what I've written, don't warn them, check the things that I have spoken about specifically, bug the hospital to measure the sound levels in the rooms near the staff room and down the bedroom corridors if necessary. It's a dangerous environment for mentally ill people to be in. See: https://pastebin.com/bm5Et0xW for the full account

Tech

Ironically, considering the subject of this section, this letter is the last thing I'm using my computer for and it will be posted online for all to see. I've never done a lot of reading on the affects of modern communication technology, television and the internet. So bare with me if I state anything obviously incorrect.

I'm terrified to see my little niece grow up in this age, I love her to absolute pieces but I'm not sure how I would handle seeing her sucked into social media shit after my own experiences. Even now, I try to be the absolute most fun uncle I possibly can but if the televeision on she finds it impossible to even glance at me. I could be jumping around the room, squawking pretending to be a giant bird and she won't bat an eyelid, it's downright scary to me because of how consistent it is. I got humiliated the one time I ever tried talking about instant gratification and never tried talking about it again but the way we expect things to just work. I've seen many examples of people of all ages getting irrationally frustrated when technology isn't working as it is intended. Just projecting from my point of view, it's concerning not understand how far this might spread and if it could be having a real negative effect on people.

Don't get me wrong, I don't claim that the advent of digital technology and communication is to blame for all the terrible things in the world. I understand that many of the issues we're facing today were just as bad decades or even centuries ago and being science lover I couldn't ever say that I'm for the destruction of modern technology. What I believe is simply that there are far more negative effects that the internet, social media, and increased levels of "connection" can have on an individual in different ways that it's hard to be aware of all of the risks. This is probably unavoidable however it seems many people don't want to be aware of some of the more common risks that apply to the majority. More recently since tablets and smartphones have been given to children at younger and younger ages and parental controls are getting lax, there are many innappropriate apps and videos on youtube and youtube kids app that appear to be directed at children yet have a more sinister undertone. See: http://reddit.com/r/Elsagate if you search far enough you find videos that can't possibly be explained by “algorithmic” due to the disturbing content. These disturbing images are being made with some kind of purpose, with extremely sinister or just as sinister as a “troll” online who wants to be edgy, it is just worrying. Another example being the “Call Monster Blaze” app released on google play store for children see: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/call-blaze-and-the-monster-machines-app-warning_uk_5a698c70e4b0dc592a0f5458 Forgive me for being dramatic, but where does this behaviour end?

Those who become obsessed with a specific type of social media, become far too invested in it emotionally. It's easy for people to downplay cyberbullying and manipulative behaviour online, everyone thinks being a troll is funny nowadays and if you get upset on the internet you're a sensitive baby. Mentally ill people just shouldn't go online is a view commonly expressed.

This is the thing I regret the most, some of the people who hurt me so much. I may not have known it at the time, but in hindsight I can very much differentiate between my real friends and the ones who really hurt and isolated me effectively, I feel like a part of me knew along the way too, but I preferred to feel as comfortable as possible and just “go with the flow”.

Video games, MMO, etc, I learned to live entirely in fantasies and so even when I refer to the possibilities in my real life, I find it hard to get back into reality. I dream of the most fantastical possible life I could live in reality, and I resent and refuse to live now I know that's impossible.

So many little things get me thinking, I remember carrying a candle upstairs on a saucer and thinking how calming the flickering shadow of the flame was and just feeling a little bit of sorrow about how my life was just a screen and drugs. and it was probably still a more exciting life than many that are going to be lived strictly by the law and society's standards. Lighting a candle inside nowadays is exciting, nobody ever feels the need anymore. We have ambient hue lighting (trademark!!!) and alexa so we can emulate everything comfortable about nature without actually experiencing it. I don't know.

People

Anyway, I can't attempt to comment on the state of society, I pretty much think that the increase in communication, population and human activity in general isn't so amazing when contrasted with all the shit going on in the world, and it's so hard to see any real solution. How do we stop rapists? How do we stop false rape allegations? When is somebody going to solve world hunger with all that money in their pockets? Are people really just going to accept the levels of despondancy and complacency modern technology brings to some people? How do you combat real gross organised crime happening on the darknet? Technology evolves really fast and I'm certainly curious about what the sudden explosion of anonymous free speech and expression is going to bring. Politics is a mess. Pyschiatry is a mess. My perception is just too narrow. I can certainly understand why people are the way they are and why they'll probably never change, it is much easier to be complacent with some things and focus on being a partially selfish person, it is much more comfortable and our morals don't actually make us feel too bad for doing that. It's easier to not worry about the problems a technology based society faces along with the innate suffering they're under due to being alive. It's much easier to just indulge and live as comfortably as you're able. I wish everyone who continues to live the absolute best of luck in figuring out this mess.

I had been experiencing dysphoric feelings around my gender for a long time and during this I had also been reading a lot of anti-man or misandrist content online from the communities I identified with. At first I thought it was harmless fun but then I quickly realised that any male who refuted these "jokes" with a statement along the lines of "not all men" is quickly berated and humiliated for wanting to defend himself and being so stupid that if he missed the point he must actually be like "all men". There are many people who appear to be what I'll term "radical misandrists", people who believe they're genuinely on the right side of hate due to historical wrongdoings and evidence. I think these people are missing the point, it's had a large effect on my ability to identify as anything at all because nobody is safe. Transgender people are almost universally hated in some communities, especially online. Men are also massively hated in communities were trans people are more accepted. What happens if you get stuck in a limbo between these two? - I pose this to you and suggest that SJWs sort their methods out. You're doing it fucking wrong, excuse my language.

I'm sorry to use the term SJW (social justice warrior) but I am going to continue to do it. I used to resent the term but I really have learned recently that no matter which side you're on, you must appeal to human nature if you want your completely valid and correct views to be heard. The fact of them being true, good or virtuous doesn't mean that people should listen to you at all costs and you have a right to forgo social customs. If you want to be heard, in fact, it's more important that you follow them. What I mean by this is that it seems many SJWs go out into the world with the conscious intent to "educate" people, some of these people may be emotional, even irrational when faced with opinions that don't match theirs. After experiencing this a few times they quickly build a hard exterior and subconsciously become ready to get offended by people who don't already have the knowledge the require to respect your opinon. A person who has never been exposed to the concept of transgender people will struggle at first, if you go into an interaction understanding this, and understand that they may be literally unable to be respectful as they're not quite aware of what is or isn't respectful yet, realise that "ignorant" may actually be extremely well intentioned and you'll get a lot further with these issues. Most of all you may stop hurting genuinely innocent people that you don't realise you are hurting. A great portion of people who support womens' rights seem to gradually adopt a misandrist mindset and I've seen this in many of my old friends who I've drifted away from. It really does make males afraid of identifying as proud males. Nobody should feel bad about being proud of themselves, it serves no purpose, even if you may think it's the "wake-up call that men require" and I feel many people (not just SJWs) get so "proud" of their own beliefs that they think it's totally reasonable to incite hatred against the other. If one group is being hateful and violent then I should respond with the same, right? It's only fair, right? Pride is great, but not pride to the point that you forget other people matter. I hope that shit gets old very fast.

From what I understand, many worthwhile discussions are never had because there is this overarching sense of hatred combined with absolute belief in your own ideas. There may well be some incels (google involuntary celibate, you will quickly see the original idea of this combined with the sick attitude it evolves into, lookism, "blackpill" etc) with something smart to say but unfortunately they're massively, I won't say outnumbered but.. outvocalised by the ones who literally incite violence, rape and assault against women. Incels like to play up their own issues and completely ignore the fact that women really are more likely to be attacked by men rather than vice versa, it's just how it is, it's not a competition and compassion on issues like this are the only way to make real progress in my opinion.

Both sides of this debate that have a loud voice seem to be full of shit to some degree and I find it hard to see how this shit will ever get resolved with people so far up their own asses. Then there are the sensible people somewhere in between who get shut down by hatred from both of these groups, if you don't support them fully then you don't deserve to hear their opinions put across in a mature way and you can't be a part of "the fight".

Being a biological machine

The human body is just amazing, as are all other living creatures. The conditions that arose to bring about life are amazing. I am in awe at what the slow natural processes of the universe can bring around. I think it's bizarre and mind blowing to think about how something came from nothing. Unfortunately this awe does not mean that I want to be a part of that system.

Something that I don't want to dwell on too much is the fact that I suffer from adrenal insufficiency, it feels this illness has been used as a tool to invalidate my feelings many times throughout my life and not just on the topic of ending it. Similarly I don't wish to talk about my experiences within psychiatric wards anymore, where I thought I did when I first started considering writing a note or letter. There are many people still alive and passionate who can fight for such an issue, the abuse and neglect that goes on in psych wards is so widespread that, as I mentioned, a big change needs to happen, possibly in the way the CQC investigations and the PALS work (re: UK mental health care) and it's no longer an issue I wish to tackle here.

I remember going through phases where I would think that eating is a chore, my metabolism is incredibly fast, food doesn't go down well, I get severely crippling hunger pains if I don't eat well every day. I recall thinking about how releasing waste in itself is, ahem, a pain in the ass. I feel very conscious and aware of any amount of pain, mild aches, jaw and back pains, the state of my teeth, and I feel my body is already crumbling at a relatively young age.

Disregarding the sensation and awareness of the body aging, another issue that affects me personally are the many “defects” I suffer from. Under the care of the NHS such defects are labelled “purely cosmetic” and therefore not treatable.  I hate knowing that the machinery and services are available to solve 99% of my cosmetic ailments but will be out of my reach for considerable time due to my past failures hurts me too much. I look in the mirror about once a month because of this. My teeth are crooked and I dreamt for years, since I was a teenager, of having braces to fix this but no matter how I put it across to the dentist I get told “you missed the boat on that one”.

I despise every part of my body in some way or another, even the sound of my voice being one of the biggest things. Every time I see my torso in the mirror I'm reminded of how horribly scarred I am by acne all over my shoulders, back, even down to my buttocks and legs. The treatment for cosmetic conditions like this is beyond expensive and if I were to focus my work on achieving them... well I would be solving about 30% of a problem and also wasting time that I could have spent living in a more productive way. Unfortunately I find it impossible to find a middle ground that I am comfortable with, I have tried for a long time.

90% of the life of a biological thing is about fending off pain and suffering by introducing the opposite things, but comfort is transient. Pain is default and constant if you choose to stagnate and I refuse to accept the fact that an “unfair life” is always a good one.

Friendship

Over the years I've had some really beautiful friendships with people but I think that, likely to due to an event in my formative years (same as with every other thing I'm talking about here) my expectations within a friendship became greatly skewed. It took me far too long to realise but my expectations from my friends were too high and I believe this is where my neurotic and impulsive behaviour started developing. I have realised that many people aren't as forgiving as I had wished, many people aren't as patient as I expected them to be, and I spent years questioning this. I used to blame the people who had left me for my suffering rather than looking into myself, I hated those people who knew I was suffering but preferred to live their "perfect lives" when really.. it's normal and natural. People distance themselves from "mental illness" and "failure" to protect themselves and their own success. I should've known and expected this fully, yet I continued, right up until the end of my life, to treat my friends as if they were therapists. I've always loved putting my thoughts down into words and attempting to make sense of myself, and I think many of my friends could never comprehend this either. There was a complete disconnection between my intentions and what my friends believe my intentions were.

I think a lot of people assumed I was attention seeking by talking repetitively and never changing for years, when all I've ever been trying to do was understand. What I'm doing, why am I doing, why am I the way I am, why am I so different? The way I thought to understand these things was by asking and relating to as many people as possible. I got incredibly obsessed with this to the point where I relied constantly on validation and explanation and would never focus on real material aspects of my life. I think, inadvertantly, I spent all of my time since I left home and possibly some before it too, simply thinking. I opted to think instead of live.

I think being this unusual type of person who hasn't ever really fit in taught me a lot about people and friendship. It taught me what it means to be individual and it taught me the difference between people who have friendships for the sake of it- people who just live life as they "should" and obtain friends along the way- and people who have friendships because they want them. People who genuinely care and want to understand what it means to be a different person and who is willing to consider that difference isn't a flaw.

To those people who never let me push them away, no matter how hard I tried, thank you to the stars and back, thank you so much that I could never possibly put it into words. To those people who did let me push them away, thank you too, you were just living your life. I can never blame you or anybody else for this. Life is something in which we're always learning, if you've never had the experience of something it's very hard to learn from it retroactively. I resent ruining as many friendships as I did, I feel as if people were attempting to form a valuable emotional connection with me and I breached the emotiona trust people were placing in me. I wish I could've experienced whatever it is I was missing that made me this way.

I remember every situation in which I fucked up, I remember upsetting and driving people away specifically. I'm still bitter over every single loving friendship that went south because I'm socially disabled. My issues never showed themselves immediately but there's something in me that doesn't handle groups of people at all. I do things wrong many times and I can't deal with the complexities of interpersonal interactions, and I don't really think I'm obligated to if I don't feel able.

Worldly issues and my passionate inability to change anything

It hurts me so knowing how much truly unavoidable suffering happens in the world, I find it irreconcilable knowing that if I were to learn to live any semblance of comfortable life I would be doing it at the expense of making any positive change to the world, reducing some sort of suffering, I can't do it, but I also can't dedicate my life to anybody else. Even then, as I have probably said many times now, it means nothing... if I choose to live a full life and dedicated every moment to other people or if I died instantly right now, it really does not matter. After considering death for a long time and almost making the link between my beliefs of post-death with the actual real event happening for me I learned the importance of living beings having an equal opportunity.

For example, being that there is almost no possibility of a god or an afterlife and consciousness is born from a biological physical mechanism, once a being dies it's over forever. That being's experience has ended. While this means that there is no meaning to life on the one hand, it also suggests the importance of having the opportunity to live that life to the fullest for those who would like to. The suffering that goes on in the world that could easily by solved with finance is more sick than I first realised once considering this, healthcare and starvation for starters, there is no real reason that people are still dying for "lack of funds". Each experience and life is unique and will only ever be lived once, every time a conscious being that desires to live is denied that due to human selfishness the world is plunged further into a hypothetical moral hell. I can't live on this planet knowing that I would focus largely on myself rather than dedicating my entire life to trying to improve or save those opportunities. I do not want to live in such a twisted world. I choose to sacrifice myself for being unable to do any of my percieved duties. I don't have the capacity or confidence to think critically when it comes to politics or most heated topics, vocal angry people generally tend to win over here.

Love

Essentially, for those people who want to live their lives to the fullest, with the most amount of satisfaction and fulfillment even after knowing all of this. You have to realise what is most important. You have to let go of all the inconsequential things that your impulses want you to obsess over. Forget about social media, forget about how many likes you get on pictures, forget about who thinks what about your life. Focus on yourself, look inside yourself, what is most important to being happy if you remove all of those other people from the equation? Family? Friends? Whoever or whatever you hold most dear to your heart. I truly believe the only important thing in the world of living, conscious, sentient humans, is to be considerate. Not just the word, being considerate isn't doing something nice. Being considerate is trying to understand the essence of another person and working out what makes them feel good and loved and appreciated. Being considerate is truly trying to empathise with those people who you "hate" for no real reason, realising that while your thoughts are your own, nobody is too good or too bad to be worth considering.

When you really learn to do this, it feels a lot better than getting angry, making digs, being sarcastic. It's very nice to be nice when people don't feel any kind of obligation and you do it for the sake of it.

True love and compassion, real attempts to understand one another, actually trying to see past the inevitable first judgements we make on people. I think these are what really matter. I truly believe people who focus on these things first and foremost, who can accept that there will always be suffering in the world but actually the majority of suffering in our world is not as "necessary" or unavoidable as people like to tell you, and that personal success is an equal goal rather than greater, will go on to live extremely satisfying lives.

People should be as weird or bizarre or crazy as they want to be, because the chances are you really do only live once. Consider how much of your life is already gone, consider everything you would like to experience in the only time you are able to experience things and just fucking do it before it's too late. You should make every choice with the knowledge that you can only make it once and the consequences will be with you until you die, and you don't get to “try again”.

Haters

I suppose it wasn't exactly the best idea to put this part nearer the end either, because I'm sure those who truly hated me won't get here or even read this letter at all. However, I do hope that maybe one or two people who I had disgareements with in the past may reach this point and listen to my perspective.  I love you. I leave this life without any resentment for individuals. I do not blame any of you, I blame the human condition and how society is in general. Modern society, ancient society, no matter how they compare to one another, it has always been flawed. There will always be those suffering and on the sidelines and people require certain defence mechanism to live with this shit world.

I'm very sorry if I ever said anything bad to you, or did anything wrong. Please understand that I only ever acted out of emotion, irrational responses that I somehow thought might help me deal with the feelings I couldn't comprehend. I always wanted everybody to like me, I wanted to be everybody's friends and see the good in everybody. People have often misunderstood me and, throughout my attempts to make things right, simply preferred to keep their distance and never hear me out. I would be so passionate about this, resolving conflicts and understanding people's behaviour that I would make myself appear very neurotic, unable to let a situation slide and achieving the opposite of my goal: pushing people away even harder.

I resent the fact that there are "bad" people in the world. I don't believe there is such a thing as a bad person, simply those more vulnerable to the sicknesses of the mind and society. People can be twisted into something they never intended, even myself. I resent, most of all, that I can't fully comprehend how people end this way and that I could never change a hateful person. This change only comes from within, as a process of coming to terms with personal experiences, once again as with me.

All the bad things I did, I never intended, I never knew. I love you all and I hope you can attempt to forgive and understand me in the same way I have done with all of the individuals I've ever known.

Mental illness

I'll talk a little bit on my experience with mental illness. In very simple terms and from a professional point of view I think the opinion was generally that I suffered some form of depression from a young age and then from my own deductions I gradually developed some kind of anxiety.Part of the reason for my friendships perpetually breaking down I put down to the mild but persistent paranoia I experience in groups of people, possibly due to a full expectation of them to gradually grow to hate me. Like a self fulfilling social prophecy.

I feel there was definitely some underlying, unnoticed and untreated malfunction in my brain long before my life went to complete shambles. An odd case is intrusive thoughts, once I'd learned what intrusive thoughts were I recall thinking that I wouldn't want to experience them. Which quickly became "what would an intrusive thought be to me personally? What do I specifically never want to think about?" from this point without actively choosing, I think I began to have intrusive thoughts. It certainly felt like I had induced the process of having intrusive thoughts within myself. I think I broke myself. These thoughts were disturbing enough that I'd prefer not to go into detail, it happens very rarely but when it does it is very distressing, usually it's in the form of sentences and not images, but as time goes on the thoughts become more fleshed out and I simply cannot deal with this mess. I'm not sure if I'm unique in the behaviour I'm about to describe but growing up I always had a set of images or memories in my mind that I did not want to remember for some reason or another they had disturbed me, particularly scary images from tv shows, movies and music videos. Whenever I had a slight thought in the direction of remembering things that I didn't want to, my brain would spin in the opposite direction and force me to remember all of these things that I didn't want to. Admittedly I seem to have matured out of that (that being almost a defined set of uncomfortable stimuli I'd failed away somewhere in the back of my mind) a little now but it feels to be linked with the way I began my own intrusive thoughts.

I'm not exactly sure how to relate back and understand my behaviour around 2012-2014, the few years after my first hospital stay when I turned to drugs knowing how badly they were going to affect me, and the brief period before that hospital stay where I was acting incredibly impulsively and bizarre even by my own standards. I chose to go mute for a few days on a whim based on my partner making a comment about it and how much I dislike the sound of my voice. I can't explain what my thought process during times like that were, and it's in this way that mental illness has been a large but also external culprit in my problems.

I absolutely adore "women's" fashion beyond belief and towards the end of my life this was the biggest factor that played on my "dysphoria" in terms of gender. There are an endless number of dresses and outfits that I find adorable and wished I lived in a world where I could indulge in such fashion with no sense of it being odd, unusual, wrong, bizarre, laughable. Yet that part of me has always been a joke. Even discussing it here there is always a sense of "I'm fucked up for feeling this way" thanks to the way I've been treated for it over time, I can't possibly counter the number of times online that I have read statements such as “trannies are mentally ill and they should kill themselves”. There are other aspects to my gender dysphoria but when I try to analyse these feelings in-depth it seems I can pinpoint most of them to generic dysphoria that is messily combined with my feelings on gender. The one thing I absolutely know is that I do wish I was born female and I can't quite get over that feeling.

Whatever brought me to the my current experience of overwhelming dysphoria is a process I don't understand too well but I've considered that it may have something to do with the conditions in which I grew up, for example never having any sort of male figure. It's another thing I really don't like to dwell on too much, I struggled through feelings of "gender dysphoria" whatever that means for years since my mid teens onwards, I never quite came to terms with it and understood exactly what it meant for me personally. I came to the conclusion that I can't possibly understand my own identity, sexual, gender, or even in general. My dysphoria "spread" and became something that affects everything I do and feel about myself, my actions and choices. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sit through therapy on any of these deeply personal matters, especially after being severely humiliated the first time I brought the issue up with my GP. I also don't want to learn to live with the fact I'm a gender I wouldn't like to be, but that's a whole other can of worms, these aspects of me are far beyond understanding.

The best way I can link how my mental health affected me from a young age in similar ways right up until the present day is an independant psych report that was done on me around 2007. Reading it back now makes me sick, many of my current situations were predicted and also many of my negative behaviour and thought patterns were recognised way back then.

I think I have neglected to mention how many times I really have attempted to live my life. Although I was always the destructor of my own efforts, I always tried and went into something with full passion and effort. Trying to get onto courses and looking for employment opportunities in areas I thought appropriate. Every single time, without fail, if it wasn't for my self-sabotage something else would slap me in the face, completely out of left field and more recently I'm simply unable to go into thing with a full enough tank. I get worn down before I even begin. Once I realised focusing on my selfish desires in life wasn't going to work out for me I thought that I could learn from my own mistakes and “suffering”, maybe if I went into something with full passion and knowledge of my experiences then I could make a real positive difference to other people. I spent time considering what entertainment products could be invented specifically for patients on psych wards as an obvious response to my experience of not being allowed something as simple as a radio because of the power cables but that passion quickly dwindled because my own miserable life would overpower even my drive to help others. There is a seemingly endless list of completely unacceptable human-caused suffering and I can't see any world in which this no longer happens, no matter how much I or anybody else dedicates their lives to “helping” others, it's the same logic behind people not voting in the election. Why should I even bother when it will make no difference? It's the same pervasive despondancy that makes us all selfish and makes suffering accptable.

I do not desire to live a life where it takes such an astronomical amount of effort and "fighting back" just to live a very mediocre normal life rather than an outright negative one. After failing for so long and everything else.. conditions are no longer optimal, my brain is almost past it's prime age for learning, probably severely damage too, and I basically need a slipstream to get me going.

Summary

I've had varying dreams and I think a strong part of me always wanted to grow up like those adults I idolised as a child. The type that are incredibly charismatic, passionate, enthusiastic about teaching and life in general. I've always somehow achieved the opposite of what I wanted to and then my dreams also became skewed by the circumstances I was engaged in. I became twisted as a person and developed a dream of engaging in an almost hedonistic selfish lifestyle, spending half of my time dreaming about leaving my life and living the most extravagant life possible, always forgetting that I'm socially unable mentally and financially. I realised that I just have no desire to work my life away, yet I can't live my desired life without doing this. I will never wake up in the morning and be happy with the body I grew, there are some factors that are unchangeable in my mind and in my physical self and I refuse to even attempt to come to terms with this and live life as a compromise. My thoughts have fought a war of attrition on my mind and won.

I will attempt to summarise my reasons for ending my life one more time...

I am unable and unwilling to attempt to "fix" all of the effects my life has had on me mentally and physically. Through a long period of deliberation I have realised that I love to sleep more than anything and that if I choose to leave earlier, in the grand scheme of things my suicide will have almost no impact at all, just as my life also wouldn't. I've realised that the value of living my life and experiencing things in general is lower than I first thought. That low value is really just a subjective thing, but it's also my absolute truth. I truly believe that I can see and choose the level of value I hold in living my full life.

I arrive at this decision through a combination of my unexpectadly low quality of life, my mental and personality malformations, my inability and unwilling to change, the time that I have already wasted and the prospect of knowing whatever I do I'll never reach close to the levels that I originally wanted. Every aspect of me has been broken down in some way or another and it's been almost invisible to most people. Both my circumstances and repeated mistakes have caused dramatic and permanant damage to my quality of life.

In a completely non-depressing (hah, sorry) way I know that life is just the same as everything else in the Universe. It just is, it's random, it doesn't really mean anything and it's not a shame that I want to leave. As I mentioned before I don't at all believe people can't choose to live and assign their own values and meaning. I wish I could truly describe the truth that I feel isolated from my emotional reasons just as I wish I could portray my mental state accurately so that all of this typing wouldn't be necessary.

All that I can ask is that you respect my decision. I know there's nothing I can do to ease your pain and that this will stay with you until your final day, I'm sorry but that's not my fault, it's Life's.

Love you. x

Ps.

What I've written in this letter might seem superficial or pretentious, no matter what maybe you can glean just a tiny bit of insight into my mind. I think I have a clarity and inner peace now that is harder to put into words than anything else I have ever experienced. I likely won't even read this whole thing back other than just skimming. I wish nothing but good fortune on everybody, even if I believe that is impossible. I don't blame anybody at all, I was wrong to live my entire life expecting people to know what was going on inside my head. I had intended to write a lot more than this but I think I've almost got everything I need from it. It's hard for me to view the entire document in much more than paragraphs at a time so I'm very sorry if I repeated myself too much or said much stupid stuff.

Finally I want you to know that my passing was meticulously planned and researched for years and was definitely peaceful, don't worry about that.

This turned out to be more neurotic and empty than I could have hoped, a stream of pointless words with nothing substantial inside, just like the husk that I am.

If you're still reading, think you for validating my existence. Goodnight and goodbye.

More on my choice

Thank you for reading, considering everything written here, I choose to opt out of my life.

Here I'll quote some of my writing I made in response to others that I think express some important feelings and I couldn't find the energy to incorproate into this thing. My head hurts and trying to organise something as long as this without repeating myself too much is difficult. I've probably missed out plenty of important details because I don't have the strength to finish it, but as I told myself I've done my best. This is my expression. I'll just accept that the parts of me I'm no longer able to express or even remember correctly are going to be dead with the rest of me, so I don't feel such a strong desire to preserve those older memories anymore. I feel some of those parts of me that held onto the things that hurt the most are already dying. I'm now filled with this emotional expression when consuming things such as music that I love and art and such, but even then I cannot possibly express it without judgement except when I'm alone. I can reach for the stars but I'll only ever be spat on for doing so.

There are certain parts of myself I just can't change, certain things I've learned to rely on, certain behaviours I don't feel comfortable trying to stop yet I know I can't go on being the same. There is no other way, I find that all the issues I have in my life mean so little yet they feel so insanely large to me, even though I know logically they're absolutely nothing. I come to the conclusion that the easiest way out is also not a deplorable way out. best of luck to those left living tbh

Honestly I think underage people accessing inappropriate content is a parental issue that should solve these discussions before they even happen. In hindsight I definitely wish I wasn't given free reign of the internet until at least say age 16. As fucked as it sounds, I think long distance relationships ruined me a little bit, skewed my priorities and delayed some important parts of my development.

This is the end of the letter, following is just snippets of my interests in case anybody close to me wishes to indulge and feel closer to who I was in this way

Really this is just my last attempt at sharing some of the last interests I ever indulged in, unfortunately I can't possibly include everything as I started out by saying... my interests are overwhelmingly all-encompassing, feel free to ignore it.

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I discovered Dawkins shortly before the end of my life, I love how passionate he is about spreading what he believes is good and right. I don't think I've seen any clip of him being truly disrespectful and from what I've seen he is just a remarkable man worth listening to. He has allowed me to expand upon beliefs that I already had and I'm very happy to learn some good reasons for me having these beliefs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxGMqKCcN6A

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Here are some pieces of music that I love to pieces and invoke much emotion within me, often because of the personal memories and experiences I have linked with each piece. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6KcYN0A5LY

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If you wish to remember me by something I adored then please watch the box set of studio ghibli movies, they mean more to me and more in general than people like to give credit for. The music and art direction of these movies is very dear to my heart and represent a way in which I could externalise and really feel my emotions for once. Thank you to a very good male nurse at Cheadle Royal who leant me the box set during my stay and let me watch them all. All of them except Tale from Earthsea pretty much mean so much to me.

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a band that I adore and has really interesting, catchy and sometimes beautiful lyrics is Streetlight Manifesto. Classic go to for when I'm down in the dumps.

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You can find some more movies I enjoyed on my lists here: https://www.imdb.com/user/ur77664761/

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a lovely insightful post by a good friend I made:

Yes, I think psychic suffering (however you want to define it: depression, isolation, shitty life circumstances) can be the basis for a completely rational decision, so long as the suffering has been over an extended period of time and not simply a reaction to a specific life event (say losing your job or romantic partner) which may be overcome.

I’m middle aged and have experienced a lifetime of woes, and have decided, quite rationally, that my suffering will only get worse from here.

Some of the posters here are quite young but have suffered for years, and they too can make this decision rationally. Anyone younger than 25, however should be discouraged but I still respect their right to die.

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I was originally unsure about sharing this due to the personal nature of stuff that I blogged but I decided I'd rather leave this behind as a momento of the things I was interested in, liked to look at, the aesthetic and parts of me that were never known. Parts of me that I'm humiliated by and wished I wasn't.. my Tumblr is here and my about page shows I've been writing similarly to this for a long time:

http://icebaka.tumblr.com/ http://icebaka.tumblr.com/about

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“I felt no guilt 'til I was caught and I was told that I was gulity, and even then I wasn't really sure.”

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