#i am inevitably going to find others searching for the same thing. and that's how you build community!

[synonymroll648]

absolutely evil fic idea! sophitz soulmates au where post-war they reconcile but also find out that fitz won't make it to 100 due to the severity of his shadowflux echoes and the reason sophie kept surviving seemingly impossible odds was because the black swan 'accidentally' made her immortal.

to make things extra cruel: consider how fitz canonically counts on having thousands of years ahead of him to build himself a future he enjoys, and how sophie canonically struggles w/ the idea of living forever due to her human upbringing (plus the canon-compliant possibility of her hearing ten bajillion tales growing up of how immortality is a curse) :D

[veephoenix]

track by track series | n.s. one shot

A quick something I wrote as a tiny wave of inspo kicked in while I was staring at those new pictures in the studio. No trigger warnings. Just fluff. I might give it a title later. | Words: 700aprox. | I'll probably turn this into a series comprised of random scenes that take place in the studio. You can read the last song as a previous part to this.

There’s something about the silence in the studio once it empties out—when the boys abandon their instruments, the machinery, and the space sinks into an almost sepulchral quiet, where the musical notes that had been filling the air just minutes earlier are relegated to a nonexistent plane.

As much as I love being there to offer them my support and watching them strive minute after minute to achieve that near-perfection they’ll showcase in front of thousands of people hours later, there’s nothing like finding yourself standing in the middle of an empty studio.

The remaining daylight still filters through the tall windows, and the human warmth of the team lingers between the stone walls. If I try hard enough, I can visualize the boys there, each in the position they’ve been in all morning. I can see Noah in the center, behind the stand, holding his mic, his lips brushing the casing in almost the same way they brush against my skin when he kisses me and we make love.

I don’t realize I’m smiling. I glance over my shoulder to make sure I’m alone, and once I confirm it, I drop my backpack onto the floor, over the Persian rug, take off my shoes, and sit cross-legged. From my bag, I pull out a notebook and a pen. I lift my gaze once toward the view outside the windows, and a moment later, I’m writing words onto the paper, drawing lines, creating something like poetry that Jolly will probably tweak and turn into the lyrics of a song.

I suppose at this point, some might be wondering where I am while they gather in the hotel lobby deciding where to go for dinner. I’m far from there, both physically and mentally. Minutes slip away, and so do the hours.

By the time the light turns golden, signaling the sunset, I’m lying on my stomach on the rug, my socked feet in the air, brushing against each other as I continue writing and nibbling on my lip, searching for the most fitting word to end this poem—if you can call it that.

When the air shifts, I don’t notice because I’m so absorbed in my own world and the warmth of the studio, though I should have recognized that familiar sensation—that feeling that tells me my favorite human is occupying the same space as me.

I don’t notice his footsteps as he approaches because he’s careful not to break my moment, and because he wants to surprise me—which inevitably means that once he’s within reach, he can’t resist the urge to touch me and he'll break my momentum. His hands catch one of my ankles in the air, making my heart leap in my chest, and when I look over my shoulder, my eyes meet his, and suddenly, I’m grinning like an idiot.

Noah pulls off my sock, and an instant later, he’s leaning down to kiss the inside of my ankle. I scrunch my nose.

“Don’t do that,” I say, feeling coy. “I walked here from the hotel. I need a shower.”

Noah releases my ankle and straightens up, raising his eyebrows. “What do you mean? Are you saying your feet smell bad? Because all I smell here is Thai food.”

For a moment, I don’t get the joke. Then Noah wiggles his eyebrows suggestively toward a sturdy wooden desk behind him. There are a couple of paper bags.

This time, it’s my eyebrows that shoot up as my eyes widen.

“I thought we could have dinner here,” Noah announces, glancing quickly at the food and then shrugging, still watching me as I remain lying on the floor. “Just you and me.”

It’s things like this that make me love him so much.

And the only way I know how to show him this love is by accepting what he offers me—his food and his care.

I hurriedly gather my things while Noah pulls containers out of the bag and hands me a plate of pad thai, still warm and smelling of lemongrass and other spices I can’t identify. Noah sits in front of me, also cross-legged, and together we devour the food, practically in silence.

After a while, my hands find their way to his body, because there’s not a single day I can spend too much time in his presence without touching him, without feeling the brush of his skin against mine.

I value the time I spend alone creating art, but there is no masterpiece more wonderful than him and the way he loves me.

[imsonormalipromise]

Mike hiding El in his closet

I saw this post about Mike and closets by @sara-yuna and it got me thinking about and remembering other moments where Mike has closeted subtext, particularly the entire scene where Mike hides El in his closet. I know some people have talked about this before (like in this post by @wheelercurse) but I haven't seen a more detailed analysis (it doesn't help that Tumblr's search function isn't top notch) so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Obviously, on the surface, Mike is hiding El because his mother came home and doesn't know about El. But because he hides her in his closet (and as well as other things I'll be mentioning below), it really points to the idea that Mike is closeted and has been ever since season 1 (whether he was consciously aware of it at the time or not).

(I am not trying to take anything away from El's trauma or disregard it, this is just an added layer to the scene).

What I find backs this up is that the outfit El wears when she's hiding in the closet is almost exactly the same outfit Mike wore the day Will went missing:

They are both wearing grey sweatpants and a dark blue jumper. I believe it's the same jumper, it's just that in some shots the way it's fitted on her looks like it has more of a V-neck shape, but the colour and style is definitely the same.

Obviously El had to borrow some clothes because she didn't have others with her, so it's not simply the fact she's wearing Mike's clothes that's damning. It's the choice to have her wear an outfit we've seen Mike wearing before...especially one that can be associated with Will...

So this means that, to some extent, El resembles Mike whilst hiding in his closet. I mean, come on...that has to point to Mike being closeted!! In addition, whilst El is hiding in Mike's closet (looking like Mike), Mike and his mother have a queer coded conversation at the same time: "Michael. ["Yeah?"] I'm not mad at you. ["No?"] No, of course not. All this that's been going on, with Will. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. I just, I want you to feel like you can talk to me. I never want you to feel like you have to hide something from me. I'm here for you, okay?"

Karen believes Mike is hiding or keeping something from her regarding Will. She would understand Mike feeling lost or scared or sad because his best friend just went missing. But from her wording, it seems that there's something more to it that he's not sharing, and that she's open to listening to and understanding whatever it is. She may be aware of or have suspicions about Mike's sexuality, and if so, it points to her being inevitably accepting.

This conversation is recontextualised in season 4 as it is quite similar to the one Will and Jonathan have, where Jonathan expresses his wish for Will to talk to him more ("I miss talking to you. I, like, really miss it. And I think, right now, we need to talk more than ever") and where he expresses that he'll always be there for Will ("I just, I don't want you to forget that I'm here. And I'll always be here. No matter what"). It's quite obvious that Jonathan was making reference to Will's sexuality here, so it's not a stretch to believe the same could be true for Karen and Mike.

So, to reiterate my point: El is hiding in the closet, wearing the same outfit Mike did prior. And at the same time, Karen and Mike have a queer coded conversation about his feelings concerning Will. Thus, El could represent Mike being closeted.

It's significant that this is from season 1, too, because many people argue that "Mike isn't gay/queer" or that if he was, it "would have come out of nowhere", but this is one of the many hints that it was written into his character from the very beginning. Him being queer and reciprocating Will's feelings would not be because of "fan-service" or for the "woke audience", it would be good writing planned from the beginning! (or, because of the uncertainty of the show's reception and of how many seasons there'd be, at the very least there would've been "seeds planted" about Mike's sexuality so that the idea could be developed in later seasons).

[helloalycia]

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐃𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐑 [𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄] // 𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐘 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐃

summary: with everything left in limbo between you and Lucy Gray, there's no chance to talk about it because reaping day is finally upon you.

warning/s: usual warnings that come with the Hunger Games, such as death and violence and all that jazz. Also cheating, again.

author's note: and this is the final part! it was a fun one to write so i hope you all enjoyed it! kinda have an idea for another lucy gray one but whether it’s fully thought out is another thing, so stay tuned! 😂

one / two / masterlist / wattpad

As if things weren't bad enough lately, the Hunger Games reaping day was finally upon us. Every year I tried so hard to forget it existed, knowing the results would be inevitable and I should just make the most of my life without worrying about it, and every year I found myself growing scared the few days leading up to it, mainly because it meant it was one year closer to Y/S/N being old enough to have her name in the mix.

My parents, Y/S/N and I were approaching the square where the reaping took place, neither of us saying a word, but I could see their fear in their eyes. Y/S/N was holding my hand, trembling slightly, and I hated that there was nothing I could do to put her at ease.

My eyes raked over the residents of District 12, all getting in line as the peacekeepers kept guard, and then Y/S/N tugged at my hand, making me look down at her with concern. She nodded to the left of me, where the Covey were getting ready to line up. Barb Azure was the eldest at nineteen, so gave them all a big squeeze with Maude Ivory before leaving them to go. I caught her gaze and she gave me a sad smile, nodding reassuringly, and I did the same. Maude Ivory seemed to spot Y/S/N and lifted her hand in a slow wave. I noticed the only person who was missing from their group was Lucy Gray. Where was she?

"Why don't you go stand with Maude Ivory?" I encouraged Y/S/N with my best attempt at a smile. "Her and Barb Azure are probably lonely."

Y/S/N glanced at our parents, who seemed to understand what I was doing and nodded with approval.

"Good luck, Y/N," Y/S/N mumbled as she hugged me tightly once more, and I almost didn't let go.

After she ran to join the others, I gave both my parents a final hug, pretending I couldn't notice the tears in their eyes, and watched as they joined the rest of the crowd at the back, made up of those either too young or too old to take part.

As I turned to find my place in line, Lucy Gray suddenly appeared, startling me. I hadn't seen her since a few days ago when she kissed me, and it had ended so awkwardly that I still wasn't sure what to think. But right now, it was the last thing on my mind.

"Just wanted to see you before it starts," she said kindly, and my heart warmed at her words.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her, noticing the frown on her lips, and it looked like something more than just everyone's usual fear of the Games.

She sighed, looking down at her fumbling hands, before avoiding the question and instead saying, "I'm sorry about the other day, Y/N. I really am."

I lifted my brows slightly, not expecting her to bring it up, especially not now.

"Thanks for everything," she continued, a tight smile on her lips. "For being there for me."

"What?" I asked, because she wasn't making any sense. "Lucy Gray, I–"

She hugged me suddenly, arms wrapping around my shoulders briefly, but long enough for me to smell the spritz of an old floral perfume on her neck and make my head go cloudy. Leaning back, she kissed my cheek before I could react, and gave me a knowing look as my skin warmed where her lips just were.

"Remember to stay away from Billy Taupe and Mayfair," she reminded me sternly. "You promised, remember?"

I furrowed my brows, searching her eyes for some sort of explanation to why she was acting so strangely. "Lucy Gray–"

"In line, both of you, now," a peacekeeper interrupted, pushing between us and shoving me slightly to the others.

I tried to look at Lucy Gray once more, but she offered me a slight smile before joining her line. I told myself I'd have to talk to her afterwards, but then as the reaping took place, I realised why she'd been so confusing.

She was to represent District Twelve in the Hunger Games.

I could hardly believe it, not when the mayor called her name out on the stage, not when she threw a snake down Mayfair's dress, not when she sang her song of defiance, and not when they whisked her away, never to be seen again.

She knew she was going to be chosen. I wasn't sure how, but she'd figured it out, already prepared to go out with a bang, in typical Lucy Gray fashion.

It wasn't fair. All because Mayfair held a pathetic grudge, she'd made sure Lucy Gray paid the price – it had to be that, otherwise what was the need for the snake? And now I was never going to see her again. After everything, I couldn't talk to her, hear her voice, see her pretty little smile, ever again.

Why?

I was hurting, still in disbelief but knowing the Covey were even worse for wear, definitely unable to accept that their sister was truly gone. Unfortunately, I had to work that evening, but the Covey weren't performing tonight. There was nothing to celebrate, and even the Hob itself was emptier than usual, nobody quite in the mood to remember the stolen life of another.

Instead, the Covey were sat at a table in the corner, saying nothing and looking distraught. I wasn't sure what to do to make them feel better because how could they? All I knew how to do was be a waitress, so Miles let me bring them some fruity, non-alcoholic drinks on the house, a rarity and a treat, but one they definitely needed right now.

"Hey, guys," I said, tray in hand as I approached their table. Setting it down, I began to share out the drinks one by one.

"We can't afford that," Barb Azure mumbled, and neither of them touched it.

"It's my treat," I said sympathetically. "Thought it might make you feel a bit better."

"How are we supposed to feel better when she's gone?!" Maude Ivory snapped in a broken voice, before jumping off her seat and walking away.

I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling stupid as I looked to the others. "Sorry, I– she's right. I didn't mean it like–"

"Don't, it's okay," Tam Amber cut me off with an apologetic glance. "We're just missin' her. It's hit Maude Ivory hard."

I pressed my lips together, nodding sadly.

"Thanks, Y/N, we appreciate it," Barb Azure added, offering a small smile, before taking a sip.

"If you need anything, just let me know," I told them earnestly. "I'll be here for you."

They nodded, and I reluctantly left them to it, knowing they probably wanted some space.

There had never been a winner from District 12, and I hated that that's all I kept thinking as I thought about Lucy Gray in the Games. She could still win, there was a chance she could, but she was a performer, not a fighter. Her chances were slim. There, but slim.

We couldn't watch the Games, the Covey and I – nobody in District 12 could. The reception was simply terrible, no matter how hard we tried to tune in. There was one evening however, when Y/S/N and I were at the Covey's home. We'd been visiting them often the past few days, both to cheer Y/S/N up and to simply be there for them, but this night was different. Tam Amber had been able to get some signal on their small TV, using a lot of tinfoil and taking advantage of the clear night.

"It's on! It's on!" Maude Ivory shouted, pointing at the screen. "Don't move!"

Tam Amber held his position on the antenna, tilting his head to get a good look at the screen. Clerk Carmine turned up the volume and I wasn't sure what we were watching at first, unfamiliar with the Hunger Games as we rarely had access to it. And then I noticed the expensive clothing, the bright lights, the witty presenter – it was in the Capitol. Some sort of interviews were taking place between the tributes. A girl from District 11 was finishing up her interview and we all watched with slight amazement, rarely seeing anything like it.

A spotlight shone onstage and the audience fell quiet. It was quiet, before the familiar sound of a guitar strumming sounded, and to everyone's disbelief, Lucy Gray walked out into the centre of the stage.

"Lucy Gray!" everyone said with realisation.

It was her! It was really her! Only a few days had passed since she'd been stolen away, but it felt like forever without her energetic presence alongside us. My heart was beating exceptionally fast as I studied her. She was wearing the same dress she wore on reaping day, but it looked as if it had been cleaned, ironed and made brighter – a white dress with vibrant rainbow ruffles at the bottom, only the brightest for someone who loved colour. Her lips were painted red, eyes dusted blue, and she looked as well as could be, though a little slimmer. I wondered if they were feeding her, concerned it could hinder her in the Games.

Her voice started soft, gradually growing strong as she sung about herself and a mystery lover, whom everyone soon realised was Billy Taupe. And as she finished her hauntingly beautiful song – "Too bad I'm the bet that you lost in the reaping. Now what will you do when I go to my grave?" – we realised she'd only confirmed our suspicions of it being because of him and Mayfair that Lucy Gray was chosen as a tribute.

"It's their fault," Clerk Carmine said what everyone was thinking, upset as it dawned on him what kind of brother he had. "He let this happen."

Y/S/N wrapped an arm around his shoulder comfortingly as we all watched the screen, the cutaways to the audience cheering after her performance. And then as we were all savouring the sight of Lucy Gray for a little longer, the signal cut out.

"Sorry," Tam Amber said with a sigh, stopping his stretching and sighing. "It's not gonna work."

"It's fine, thank you," Barb Azure told him.

Nobody spoke for a moment, the sound of the static the only thing to fill the room. If it was interviews today, then the Hunger Games would officially begin tomorrow.

She'd be fighting for her life tomorrow, and there was nothing we could do about it.

The Games ended yesterday, that's what rumours around town were saying, but nobody knew for sure since nobody could watch them, and so nobody knew who'd won either. I was trying not to think about it, unsure whether to believe it they'd truly ended or not. For all I knew, they could have still been going on, or they could have ended days ago. Either way, the last thing I wanted to imagine was Lucy Gray battered or bloodied or bruised.

Instead, I tried to distract myself with the job at hand – working. In particular, throwing some old beer crates out back in the bins as Miles had asked me to. I was on the third one, carrying it from the backdoor of the Hob and to the bins next to it when I felt someone's presence behind me. Curious, I turned around and my jaw dropped, the crate almost slipping from my grasp.

It was Lucy Gray.

"Hey, darlin', what's with the long face?" she asked, tilting her head and smiling playfully.

I blinked, certain I was imagining this – it wouldn't have been the first time she'd infiltrated my dreams. But when she didn't disappear, I found my voice.

"You're back," I said hesitantly, afraid I'd be mistaken. "You're here. You're– how? How are you here?"

"Why, I won the Hunger Games, of course," she said like it was nothing, an easy accomplishment, which we both knew it wasn't. "Turns out I wasn't finished here after all."

Her statement was so insane that I couldn't help but let out a quiet snicker, tears filling my eyes when I accepted that she was finally home. She'd done the impossible – she'd won.

Setting down the crate, I swallowed the lump in my throat before approaching her suddenly, pulling her in for a hug. She was here, she was real, she was home.

Her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly, head tucking into my shoulder and curly brown hair blinding me. Every part of me was ignited by her touch, unable to believe she was actually here.

I wanted to say so much to her, and yet nothing came to mind because I was too overwhelmed with her presence, my senses invaded by her scent, her warmth, her touch. Just when I tried to pull back to truly look at her, she pulled me closer, tighter, and I couldn't do anything other than let her embrace me a little longer.

After a moment, I pulled back, eyes scanning her worriedly. She looked a little tired, circles under her eyes covered by makeup, and her hands were tougher than usual – I felt them through my shirt – no doubt a result of what she'd endured in the arena. But she was alive, and that was all I could have asked for.

"When?" I asked, voice embarrassingly thick with emotion. "When did you get back?"

"Midday," she answered, brown eyes bright as they flickered between mine with focus. "I went straight home after they sent me here on a train. Reunited with the family. Counted my lucky stars."

I smiled a little, still in disbelief, and hung onto her every word.

"Then I wanted to come 'n' see you," she continued lightheartedly, though there was some truth to it. "See if you'd forgotten about me."

I began to laugh, wiping away my stray tears. "I could never, Lucy Gray. Nobody could."

She smiled appreciatively, before looking down at her hands, long eyelashes casting a shadow across her face as she blinked. I could have watched her for a while, merely existing, glad that she was back, but she needed more than just another admirer right now.

"I won't ask you what it was like over there," I said gently, making her look up again. "I can imagine you don't wanna talk about it. But if you do, well... I'm here."

She exhaled through her nose, smile widening. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"

I didn't know what to say, suddenly embarassed under her stare, and she chuckled at my reaction.

Clearing my throat, I changed the subject and pointed over my shoulder to the Hob. "Are you staying tonight?"

Her eyes flickered over to it, lighting up excitedly. "I might perform a few songs, why not?"

At this, I suppressed the urge to smile and admitted, "That would be nice. I missed hearing your voice. I– I missed you."

Her eyes fell back to mine, smile faltering a moment. "Even after how we left things?"

Our last encounter before the reaping came to mind, and I nodded honestly. "Especially after that."

She hummed, smile fading completely, and I wondered if she was thinking about it too.

"I've been so worried," I admitted, my heart beating a little quicker in my chest with each word I spoke. "We all have. But the TVs didn't work and the peacekeepers wouldn't tell us anything."

"I didn't mean to worry you," she said sweetly, taking my hand and squeezing it. "The Covey said you and Y/S/N checked in with them whilst I was gone. You didn't have to do that."

"Of course I did," I said, placing my other hand on hers and taking it between mine.

She glanced at her hand, making me realise I was still holding it, and I let go gently.

"I should go home and get ready," she said with a nod. "But I'll see you in a few hours, Y/N."

"Can't wait." 

Her smile widened and she turned to leave, my eyes unable to look away from her retreating figure for fear she'd only be a dream.

As promised though, she returned to the Hob a few hours later, and by then, word had spread fast about her victory and return. The Hob was bustling with people, all unable to believe Lucy Gray was finally back. Even Mayfair and Billy Taupe were there, mainly in disbelief that she'd survived, but I tried not to focus on them since they didn't matter anymore. They couldn't do a thing anymore.

The Covey hadn't performed since Lucy Gray left, so everyone was in for a real treat when they kicked off with her introduction. Spirits were high, drinks were flowing and I couldn't have been happier than when I saw Lucy Gray back onstage, where she belonged.

We'd left things in a strange place, but it all seemed so futile now. My heart was full of adoration for the Covey girl, and maybe it was time I just started listening to it instead of overcomplicating everything. 

It was a long evening, and by the time I'd finally finished cleaning up with Miles, we both left and waved goodbye to one another, my feet hurting from standing on them for so long. Only, as I was about to start my walk back to the Seam, I spotted Lucy Gray waiting outside, startling me.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said between a laugh. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Hand to my chest as I regained composure, I said, "No, it's fine. It's... what are you still doing here? It's been half an hour."

When her and the Covey had finished performing for the evening, it had been too busy for me to spare a moment to say goodbye to them, so I'd just assumed Lucy Gray had gone home with them.

"I was waiting for you," she said simply, and I instantly felt bad.

"If I'd known, I would have hurried," I said, stepping towards her.

"It's okay, I didn't want you to rush," she assured me, before shrugging. "I missed you. It's been too long and I just wanted to walk you home."

My expression softened at her words, a warmth spreading in my chest. "You don't need to," I told her.

"I want to."

I pressed my lips together, exhaling quietly, before nodding and readjusting the strap of my bag on my shoulder. She flashed me a stunning smile before joining my side and leading the way.

"You did great tonight," I said to her, glancing over and trying to ignore the flutter in my chest at her profile. "Your songs, your spirit – everything."

Her smile grew. "Thank you, that means a lot. I guess I just really missed performin'. It's not the same as singin' for the Capitol."

"Tam Amber managed to get signal one night," I said without thinking. "The night of the interviews. We just about caught yours. Your song."

She sighed, her smile fading into more of a grimace as she remembered, and I felt bad for bringing it up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to remind you," I quickly said, frowning. "I– never mind that."

"It's not so easy bein' back after everything," she admitted, looking to me, before stopping walking all of a sudden, I stopped too, and then she continued, "but I've realised a lot of things."

I furrowed my brows slightly. "Like what?"

She clenched her jaw, before her dark eyes met mine with conviction. "I didn't kiss you because you were Billy Taupe's replacement."

Surprised she'd bought it up, I asked, "What?"

She didn't dare look away as she answered, "Back before the reaping. When I kissed you at the bonfire. It– it wasn't me confusin' my feelings or usin' you, and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."

I wasn't sure what to say at first, unable to make sense of what she was admitting. Because if that was the case, then that meant she liked me, and how could that be?

"It's okay," I said slowly, heart rate beginning to speed up as she held my gaze. "It's history now."

"I don't want it to be," she said desperately. "I missed you so much, Y/S/N. I was there and– and all I was thinkin' about was the Covey, your sister and you. All of you, and how I had to get back to you all." She swallowed hard, stepping closer. "With you, I need to clear the air. Because after everything, I've learnt that life is too short and too tender to let things slip by. And I've fallen for you, Y/N. Deeply. And you just– you need to know that that's why I kissed you. Nothin' more, nothin' less."

Frozen in place, I hoped she couldn't hear my heart hammering in my chest, or feel the shivers on my skin from the warmth emanating from hers. She was stood so close, enough for me to make out the tears pooling in her eyes, and I didn't know what to do. This whole time, she liked me. I wasn't a fool for thinking so – Billy Taupe had been wrong. All this time, I'd had a chance and it was almost ruined because of my own stupidity and insecurities.

"What are you thinkin'?" she asked between a halfhearted chuckle, a tear slipping from her eyes. "You're stuck in your head again, darlin'."

"I'm sorry, I–"

"Don't be sorry," she said, taking a step back, and she'd misinterpreted where I was going with this.

"No, I mean, I–" I began, but the words were lost on my tongue, and the more she looked disappointed, the stupider I felt. "I didn't know, Lucy Gray. I didn't expect it. Billy Taupe, he–"

Another of her tears fell, and I groaned quietly to myself, shaking my head. Why would I have ever listened to him in the first place?

"I'm sorry," I repeated, meeting her gaze with the utmost sincerity and guilt. "I should have never listened to the likes of him."

It was her turn to be confused. "What do you mean?"

"I let him get in my head," I admitted, cheeks heating with embarrassment. "He convinced me that you were using me as a replacement for him. That you only liked me because–" I stopped myself, it sounding stupid when I said it aloud, especially to the girl in question. "It was stupid. You would never do such a thing, I should've never listened to him."

She frowned, trying to find my eyes, but I was too embarrassed to look at her. "That sounds like him. I'm sorry he did that."

"No, I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head and getting stuck in my own head again. "I ruined this, and then you left, and all I kept thinking about was how I let you go, and if you didn't come back then–" I paused, frowning to myself, before finally lifting my eyes to meet hers. "I've always liked you, Lucy Gray, but so does everyone else. And I didn't wanna be just another Lucy Gray admirer. But you saying this– meaning this– it's just– you're just– it– you can't–"

She began to smile, nodding. "I get it."

I stopped talking, flustered and embarrassed and unsure what else to say or do, because after so long, the girl I liked actually liked me back.

She stepped toward, hand lifting to my cheek and cupping it gently, and I practically held my breath as her glassy eyes met mine. Then, she looked down to my lips and leaned in, kissing me.

Unlike last time, I let myself enjoy it, closing my eyes and kissing her back. Her lips were soft, sweet like her lip balm, and fit perfectly against mine. This couldn't be real, she couldn't be real. After everything that happened, she was here and I was getting a second chance. How?

After a moment, we both pulled away for air, though she didn't let go of my face just yet, nor I with my hands on her waist. I opened my eyes, submerged in pools of brown, and forgot how to speak, lips tingling where hers just were.

"I've wanted to do that for so long," she said quietly, thumb tracing my lips gently, and sending shivers all over my body. "I thought I ruined it, the last time. Lost you for good."

I shook my head. "I don't think you ever could, Lucy Gray."

A smile formed on her face, and then a laugh escaped her lips, and she looked at me once more, making me feel like the most important person in the world.

She kissed me again, and I wondered what I'd done to be so lucky.

[sincerelystesichorus]

me becoming a gortash apologist apparently

i never thought i'd say this. i am thinking about Enver Gortash. i'm usually not one of his apologists but... i've had brain rot for my Durge lately, and i think a big moment of developing your Durge is how you react to meeting Gortash again, yeah? you may or may not be close with Karlach but the party and Durge especially have all faced similar trauma of betrayal and exploitation nonetheless (and so has Gortash), he's already been introduced vaguely at the end of Act 2 as a threat/main villain, he worships Bane, he has general edge lord vibes (remember that bit where I'm usually not a Gortash apologist djdjdjd); what i'm trying to spit out, is there's a lot to sway you against Gortash in that first meeting. and I'd argue even a little further, as someone that followed Orin's plans of betrayal against him in my first Tav run, (just because her audacity is so damn funny.)

But anyway. Meeting Gortash. Finding out you used to be close. Perhaps homoerotically, perhaps in a strange platonic manner, or some other third thing, but nonetheless, Durge is assumably the only person Gortash has ever truly liked. He just really goes out of his way with praise at meeting again, the use of the word favorite is notable, and if Gortash had anyone worth elevating, he would, right? That was how Ketheric got here, Orin wants more credibility for herself and the Bhaalists, and Gortash... just enslaves his parents in their old home/business. But he liked you. He's really so similar to Astarion (it's nothing, you're just the only person I've ever truly cared for); he's just already a touch too far gone in his power hungry search for security. He's already repeated the cycle, years and years ago with Karlach as the main example and just the inevitability of being Bane's Chosen. And yet - Durge comes marching through the door again with this band of misfits and his old lackey he wronged, and he's willing to make a true bargain.

And I know it's just in Gortash's character to scheme, but l think playing as reformed Durge makes Gortash's potential deal all the more devastating, since he will truly follow through on his word (or, at least he would.)

It's so funny to show up dating Astarion or Shadowheart, and imagine them teasing you later that night, saying they thought you'd have better taste. Or the bitterness of being with Karlach, knowing that you seemed to be in such deep kahoots. And so on. The point is not valuing that past relationship with Gortash. Focusing on the shiny and new.

And like whatever. Gortash isn't ever going to publicly present that his feelings are hurt but like... wouldn't they? Your past lover or at the very least, only close friend struts in, now thinking they're some big shot, so beyond everything you two had ever done... when you always lived in their shadow beforehand, frankly. Gortash adores how this flawless plan was majorly Durge's, critiques Orin's sloppy manner of filling your place, how Ketheric was just a means to an end. But he liked you. The person who helped him raid Mephistopheles' vault, in turn helping him spit not only in the arch devil's face, but his past captor, Raphael's too (since Raph lives chronically in the shadow of his father, imo.) The person who thought they could formulate and enact this whole plot, and the only one he was willing to follow, to be an equal with, now coming to tell him what everyone always does, inevitably.

A final fuck you, or some form of betrayal, the same thing that caused his mess all those years ago when sold off to that warlock.

It would have to hurt, and while it's funny to imagine my little gnome Durge dying inside and cackling to the party about sleeping with an enemy and technically being the enemy... a little obssessed at the angst you could perceive of Gortash somehow falling for any crazy Bhaalspawn, nonetheless Durge, who was never one for morals, coming back renewed and not to come get him or work things out... but to slay him or turn against him. I'd send the Steelwatchers after our asses too.

In conclusion, Gortash, probably:

sigh. my bias against greasy little guys could never truly make me hate you, enver gortash. look at you, the man that you are.

[seat-safety-switch]

For a couple years, I worked in a video store in a small town. In many ways, this was the culmination of a childhood dream: routine, unchallenging labour. If you were a particularly annoying labour analyst, all I actually ever “did” was ring up rentals, restock returns in the morning, and clean the windows. Customer service has its own way of filling the space left by the actual work, though.

People who have worked retail are a sort of elite corps. For one thing, you’re never rude to another retail employee for the entire rest of your life. You’ve been in the trenches, too, and even if you somehow managed to escape, you’d still have had that shared trauma to know how bad that shift could get for that shelf-stocker at Maybe’s Drugs off I-40.

I have all the usual complaints, but there’s something else, too. My unique problem is this: I had this one customer who came in every Monday morning, asking for the same movie. We never had that movie, which is the crux of our conflict. He – and I can’t remember his name anymore, even if the electroshock therapy had been effective – never took “no” for an answer, and would come back the next week. He’d ask for the same thing, by title. No other details: no barcode, no publisher, no actors. Not even a description of the plot (he hadn’t seen it yet, obviously.) Now, this was before broadband internet was widely available, so I’d have to dial up after hours to America Online, and see if the movie had been added to their database. It never did, except one night I saw some folks talking about it in a video store chat room.

Their customers, too, were asking for this film. Insistently. After talking about it that night, we decided that we would form a bit of a trade union group. If any of us heard anything on this mysterious VHS, we would share the knowledge with the rest of the group. That retail-worker camaraderie at work again, you see. Nothing ever came of it, but I did end up becoming good friends with a manager at a Hobart’s Movies in Ames, Iowa, and we were even roommates for awhile before he got a new job at Seaworld. I moved on, too, making my slow, but inevitably in retrospect, drift towards the coast. Still, the whole thing bothered me. For years afterward, I would turn on my computer every Monday night, long after I had left the job, and search for any clue as to the existence of this film.

Once, on a day off, I called a librarian, who got pissy at me for even asking about it, and demanded to know who had put me up to calling her as a prank. I hung up in a panic, but she called back for hours. Obviously, she was also undergoing the same situation, and I felt shame at having brought a momentary pain to another proud Retail-American.

Now, video rental stores are a thing of the past. Even in small towns, they have been reduced to just a fond memory and an abandoned corner of a strip mall. Maybe my customer’s quest doesn’t matter anymore. The aggregation of the world’s knowledge into one hissing, unseen beast at the centre of our collective technological hallucination is complete. If they don’t have it, pick a different one. All I know is that, one day, someone will find a copy of this movie, and I’ll be able to go back to that town and shove it in the ground where the video store once stood. On that day, I can finally rest, freed from the slavedriver that is Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.

[foreversnews]

1:am July 4th, sitting here flipping this Tamia I'm so into you song in to a slow sample

thinking of new ways to trust myself

this song has always reminded me of a special kinda of feeling around love. or infatuation at least right now this specific scope of "love" feels more to me like alice millers cover of spell on you by Nina Simone

or frank ocean seigfeind

or looks good with trouble by Solange

slow sample just going on loop as I write this

" I can't realllyyy exxxxplaainitttt"

slowed down at about 45.5 bpm

I used to hear this and think of the most life affirming guilty embarrasingly mushy love

where my young imagination could only think of me walking in the sunlight with a pretty girl, not even touching her, just walking

funny how I always thought romance could save me from something

even as a kid I would almost stay up all night before the first day of school, finally I get to see girls !!

I could get a girlfriend !!

life was simple like that then, elementary school me lol

wanted to feel like something to somebody so baddd

"iiii rreeaallly liiikke what youuu dooonne too meee"

as slowed sample plays*

this song it still hasn't lost its shiny touch

makes me think of someone that I haven't spoke to in while an

meiby in a way I thought she could save me from myself

if I pretend enough

if i talk enough

if i give enough

if I tell you any and everything

nothing stopped the inevitable end

as the loop still runs *

"doooonnee toooo meee"

I think of the countless beds I found myself in the search of the comfort of the that little kid that just wanted to feel like that song feels

cords and rhythms bouncing off my shoulder blades

quick as a lie Is told

as love is perceived

I've ran out of rhythms to not see in this

"whhhaaat youuuu Donnee too meee "

as the sample plays on loop *

playing out the cyclical natures of my most intimate desires coverd by cathexis of pretty faces and gentle misreadings

but to young people who like each other isn't there any more to think a out??? haha my young mind thought it was that easy

making Valentine day cards. hiding them in desk and sing to girls during recess lol

I found (Mei)self dreaming this person again.

how can I begin to think about this in a way the keeps me intact ?

because after all this is who I built for better or worst

become charming people will forget how you've warn that same unwashed uniform shirt to school 5 days In a row

maybe she might look past the body odor you quite don't know how to get in order yet lol

ive always found myself obsessing over what my first time would be like

would it be like one pf those songs of the weekends trilogy ? high school me would think about lol

after all it seems like the perfect sounds track to this double reality I found myself in from a young aspiring towards everything and hopping to find home

'IIIII ammmsoooo iii inn too you"

sample still runs *

being a young boy not really aware of my innocence

didn't feel like I had anything worth seeing

like I was guilty from the first perception of others

the only thing that I could see for myself was desire of romance

maybe I could think about this all day and nothing else

I remember one day my dad would update me on his latest sexual prized catch and how sexy she was, how ,such she pleased him

"iccaannnntt reallly exxplaainne It"

Sample does on *

.........................................................

now my conquest for the ultimate I immature romance, devided in two sexual prowas and power.

after all if my dad is telling me all these details it must be somthing worth doing right?

was he only telling me this to escape his own feelings of loneliness

maybe if he reflects some sort of cool posture ill look at him in a way that helps him look at himself

funny how that goes

bc here I am now hoping to see my value in bodies, faces,ect

but how can I ask them to see omthing I havnt deeply interrogated ?

I know now that love feels more like Alice Coltranes going home

unknowable, only lived and acted out in my own personal being

romance is just a extent of ritual maybe

the coldness of my young self non knowing how to cope with poverty, with abuse and misuse of my young body, mind.

its not far off that, that became the only motivating factor win my life but I deeply want to know myself in everyday possible

not from a automated idea in hopes of finding someone

im not personality package, a body to be used, an idea to be exploited

but then again.

'iiiii reeallly liikkke whhaat youuuuu donnneee to mee iii cannnnt rreealllly exxpllaainne iiit iiiimm sooo iiinn too youuu"

last sample flip*

maybe this coldness is what ive never recognized.

(im rambling and speaking in fragments but I wanted to be honest with how many turns my brain was making "

[shit-talk-turner]

To the anon who wrote the above - yes, I agree with your view points. Your post was thoughtful and beautifully written. It’s really interesting to read content like this, I also think Alex is deliberately trying to hide the meanings hidden within his lyrics, because he deliberately doesn’t want to reveal himself too openly online. And who can blame him?

I really enjoy his lyrics, they’re funny and witty is a really dry English humour way - ‘betting pencil or a Mecca dauber’ makes me smile every time I hear it for example. His lyrics are playful and naughty, Cornerstone is such a good example - it lures you along the love and romance line, up until the sister bit, and so many great phrases in there - so close that the walls were wet, and she wrote it out in Letraset…

What are other people’s favourite lines? Do US people have any lines they don’t understand that us Brits can help explain?//

Orignal post Anon back again, I just had to reply to the lovely anon who highlighted Alex's sense of humour and wit in his lyrics.

I also don't blame him for being cautious in terms of what he reveals to us either! I mean these various blogs and AM forums on the web are proof of how we analyse and speculate on things, I just wanna be clear that I don't think that's unnatural but I can understand from his view point especially when the lyrics are personal to him that he may wanna keep some things closer to his chest.

When I first got into the Monkeys one of things I first loved was how Alex's lyrics reminded me of The Smiths, I've always enjoyed Morrissey's sense of humour and wit and I really like that Alex has a playfulness, wit, sense of humour and perhaps sarcasm injected into his songs as well.

I could go on and on and on for days talking about Alex's writing, if there was a course for it, I'd sign up haha!! But as to not derail the blog a lyric I am stupidly amused by is "And as I arrived I saw you leavin', Carryin' your shoes."

It makes me chuckle; It's lines like these that bring his words to life and give character to the song. I'm sure all of us girlies have had a moment where we've worn uncomfortable shoes because it completes our outfit and then inevitably they're coming off at a certain point in the evening. I really like how observant he is as a person, there are a few examples of this both in his lyric writing and how people have described being in his presence. I swear my heart grew wings and flew around my room for a short time when I first heard him sing "And when you say that you need me tonight, I can't keep my feelings in disguise, the white parts of my eyeballs illuminate and I'll wait for you as if I'm waiting for the storm to stop."

I often find myself pulling out the good ol Dictionary to decode a word or typing a search request in Google to figure out what he might be talking about, I enjoy that aspect too. There's so many wonderful, intelligent, funny and interesting lyrics to discuss!! I hope one day if it's something that interests him he'll release a book of short stories and/or poetry, he certainly has the talent and skill for it. Xx

This is all really well said. His songs are beautiful but also do stop and make you think about what’s actually being said, while also coming across so easily. So simply clever and intricate at the same time

[divination1330]

Gonna ramble about fandom on this account, because who cares. Warning, really long post

I’ve liked the (mostly created by the fandom due to a lack of material) ship between Shiro and Adam for ages. Like, ever since I found out about it. And it’s for one huge reason. I am going to try and focus on source material and what I know about space, because my headcannons are all over the place.

I’ve wanted to be an astronaut my entire life, and having someone in my life who would stick out loving me through that dream is probably my greatest hope.

I’ve also got someone in my life who is like that. Who matches me for my talent and my heart but overall doesn’t have any aspirations like mine. They want to settle down and just have a mechanical engineering job that pays enough and that they enjoy (and a lot of pets). Their extracurriculars aren’t high stakes, they aren’t chasing grades for their future, but they still push themselves. They still demand the best from themselves that they can, and I do the same thing.

We’ve never had unhealthy competition. We’ve always tried to push each other and lean into each other’s ambitions and interests, but they have supported me in this dream without any doubt. They’re fully expecting to have to deal with the stress of me going to space.

I also never want to put them through that. My current aspirations already take me away from them so much. What will that do to my partner and my best friend in the years to come? Will I want them to move on, find someone who actually has their feet on the ground?

I like the fact that there was a breaking point between Shiro and Adam, despite how it seems like Adam was the closest person to Shiro. We hear nothing about Shiro having a family outside of mentoring Keith, and possibly his work with the Holts, if you want to count that. Adam is still the only person to call Shiro by his first name, and they were nearly married. From the photo in the background they flew together as well. As an aviator that drives me up the wall. The protective instinct that I’ve seen pilots have for each other, and the reckless streak, is so interesting (that’s an entire other topic about what the personalities of pilots means for Voltron, and for Shiro in particular).

You bet your ass Adam was at the end of his rope. I like to see him as a parallel to Haggar in the same way Shiro was a parallel to Zarkon. Haggar’s search for knowledge corrupted her and tore her apart. She was selfish in doing so. She refused to let the people she loved die, and let it drive her to insanity. Adam was a teacher, not a scientist. His job was about sharing knowledge. What did Adam do when someone he cared about endangered their life in a way higher than the risks that they had ever taken on together?

When he realized that Shiro was inevitably going to an environment that speeds up muscular atrophy and osteoporosis for a long term mission with a minimal crew and is extremely taxing on mental health, which from the scraps we know about Shiro’s illness and personality is probably highly dangerous on several accounts, he let go.

He decided he cared about someone enough to let them go and preserve his own sanity, because he could never control them. You bet that hurt. He wouldn’t hold on to someone and do horrible things to try to work against someone’s own autonomy.

(PS: I’m really interested in Shiro’s personality in regards to being something uncontrollable. He’s the guardian of the air, to his knowledge his life is incredibly fragile, he’s the definition of astronauts being medical experiments and extremophiles, he’s a model student, he’s going to be young forever until he isn’t and he’ll lose everything that makes him part of the garrison, he’s a born leader and an incredible strategist, he’s built his own family from people he met at a military school, he commits insubordination, he’s the garrisons youngest pilot of a long-term mission, he decided to mentor a kid who stole his car, he managed to become a symbol of hope to the blades while in what could have been his lowest moments, he’s faced with a kid pulling his rank to make a decision and immediately makes it a team effort, you’ll never catch him taking a break, what?)

That’s what I think is the illustration of the very start of the difference between Zarkon and Shiro. Zarkon nearly tore reality apart and refused to let Haggar go at the expense of so much. Before Shiro ever went to space, he was on both sides of that decision, in a way. Would he stay because someone who had such an impact on him loved him, or would he continue with his mission because he might be the only one who can do this.

Zarkon abandoned his team and his service to Voltron for someone he loved beyond anything. Haggar abandoned everything in her search for knowledge, believing that Zarkon would do anything to save her.

Shiro and Adam both serve the morals of the Garrison, what has become their home. They both study flight, and engineering, and what lies beyond the atmosphere. They have been there for each other since what seems like the start. Adam looked at all the risks and knew he could never try to make a decision for Shiro, but he also wasn’t able to stand by and watch while he hurt himself. Shiro looked at his options and believed that he was the only one able to pilot the Kerberos mission the farthest manned mission the Garrison had ever conducted. They let each other go because they loved each other. They loved each other because of those same reasons in the first place. They wouldn’t be who they are without those traits, those values.

At the end of the day, Adam dies because of those same values. He defended Earth, and probably did the exact same thing Shiro would have done. They were just both like that. Selfless, and very aware of what Earth means.

But what if he made it?

How would that pan out?

I can say this. Through all of it, my partner feels like the only person who truly gets all of this. The ambition, the sacrifices, the strain. I also hide stuff from them when I don’t want them to become too worried, at least till it blows over. Especially with flight involved, or space accidents. I’ve cried on their shoulder about some of this, and they also feel like my only haven some days.

Shiro comes back, and the one person who gets him is fighting the same fight Shiro is. Adam is in danger and taking the same risks Shiro is, and the problem is he isn’t special, not like the paladins, and now the universe really is at stake. What decisions would Shiro make? Especially since they broke up? How much have they both changed?

What if Shiro has to choose between his universe and the universe

And what does he do in the wake of losing his body, his illness, and nearly his mind. He’s lost a limb all over again. His tormentor is his savior, and also someone who lost everything so long ago. He’s coming back home after at least six years, and he can only really remember two, but is it really home? He’s not dying anymore, and now he really has to think about surviving the war and having a life. He’s not expendable anymore, and he’s not in the feild with the paladins he swore to protect. As an Admiral no less, and pilot of a sentient war ship. He lost Black, and gained Atlas.

Who is he going to? Everyone depends on him, everyone has expectations for him.

Who wouldn’t understand all of the things that happened, but understands him. Would he even deserve that person anymore

What does Adam think? Here’s someone who changed his life, through friendship and love and death, who’s now back. The sky was their graveyard, and now it’s their battleground. And he knows more than anyone about them. He knows the way they fly, fight, strategize, everything. At least, the way they did it before they disappeared. How are they still alive? Have they changed? Is he even remotely in their orbit anymore? Does he deserve to be?

At the end of the day, I think Adam would be the only one to see Shiro for who he really is during those last months of the war on Earth. A man with the universe on his shoulders, who is more unsure of his place in it than ever. I also think Adam would be the first person to help him let it go. After all, they used to do everything together. Garrison classes, flying, work, why not this?

Maybe having two people so intrinsically intertwined, who chose each other for who knows what reasons, and chose the universe because they loved each other, was the only way to reverse ten thousand years of war from one selfish decision. Maybe it took two people accepting they could never change each other, and would never want to, in order to change everything

Yeah, sucker for space context to Voltron and extremely dynamic relationships. Fun fact, took me and my partner years to date each other after I first asked them out. We were best friends for ages before they responded by asking me out after my initial ask years before.

Well, this is a fandom account now I guess. Get ready for the brain rot

[saintescuderia]

How To Become A Writer?

Responses will vary. They all won’t answer you.

It happened when I started working full-time.

It’s interesting that — as soon as Teams calls and spreadsheets became a reality, the adjoining tabs open would have Google searches on how to become a writer. 

The very question: how to become a writer? It’s funny to think that Google could’ve provided an answer to something writers themselves has been struggling to answer for the longest time. Every single Paris Review Interview provides a different response — albeit they all share the same trait of being philosophical, artistic and not at all straightforward. 

The only straightforward thing I could find on how to become a writer was the Google-sponsored website of Medium. It seemed like this was the updated version of early 2000s blogging and Wordpress. 

I had tried Wordpress. I had also given up on Wordpress. 

And so I tried Medium. I shortly gave up on Medium. 

It wasn’t due to the same reasons, though. Wordpress was confusing and isolating. Medium was easier and you already had articles to read before you noticed the little button to write your own. However, therein lay the problem: Medium gave me nowhere to hide. Was I fully ready to embrace it? Was I ready for my life to change? Eevery word I put out there has to be perfectly selected and crafted in my own original way that I am changing lives with each paragraph. No matter the fact that I don’t even know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just know that I need to do it. 

The imposter syndrome got to me. No matter the inherent desire to do this — something existing since the days of waking up 5am before school to write fanfiction — I just couldn’t stay consistent. 

During my brief Medium interlude last time, I did see a trend. People would try to build their following through writing consistently for 30 days. 90 days. It didn’t really matter. They ahd set a goal and wrote — and posted — consistently for that alloted amount of days. 

I read some of those posts. They weren’t all life-changing. They weren’t philosophical or even artistic. But they were straightforward. They were here, I did it. It’s not great, but I showed up and did it anyway. If I think about what is missing from this, it’s that very thing. To get just get over myself and write badly because bad writing is inevitable. 

So, here is my own 30 day challenge. I'm documenting this not just on Medium but also on the website that has had my back since the inception of my personality as a whole. Tumblr.

It may be odd to think that I am using Tumblr as a means to post my work and start to build up a portfolio, if you will. Tumblr's day has passed and it gave the likes of Rupi Kaur her platform back in 2010s - we've moved past that!

Sure. Neil Gaiman is still on here.

Also, unlike Wordpress or Wix or any of those other sites, the 10+ years I've spent on this forbidden 'hell-site' means I actually know how to use the damn thing. If we're going to embark on the journey of writing everyday, at least give me the past of least resistance. I know Tumblr.

Because, really, this is all so I can get out of the ivory tower that is every writer’s self-doubts and insecurities. Who knows, maybe I’ll start to figure out just what it is to be a writer. 

(It also helps that F1 is back. That may or may not be a coincidence.)

[stardustmorozov]

All The Things We Hide In The Dark Chapter 3

Pairing: The Darkling x Reader

A Beauty and the Beast AU

Part 1 Part 2 AO3 Link

Summary:  Chased by Drüskelle and out of options, Reader (You) seeks refuge in the remote Little Palace which is rumored to be haunted by a beast and his ghosts. But he is not the only one who hides dark secrets…

Warnings: slight body horror? (idk Aleksander has a nightmare and it feels nasty), man does not know how to communicate feelings or how to cope with having human companionship in over a fuck off long period of time, (lemme know if I forgot something)

Word count:

A/N: Soooo.... it has been quite a while since I posted the second chapter but now it is finally here! I am pretty happy with how this chapter turned out so I hope Y'all enjoy it! A/N: And a tremendous shout out to @dreamlandcreations for beta reading this chapter for me!

When Aleksander had lost his sense of up and down, he did not know. The distinction between left and right, back and forth not more important than that he knew he was coming apart at his seams. His shoulders, back and hands tearing themselves open to give the overwhelming power, that had taken hold of his body, an outlet.

Only for the shadows that curled around him to find a way back into his body, pushing past his eyes back into his head, past his lips, inside his lungs, making him unable to breathe. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't escape the nightmare that surrounded him. Never.

Startled awake by the lack of air in his lungs, he wasn't sure if he was still trapped in the nightmare as the shadows around him were coldly pressed to him, prickling his skin as they slowly dissipated along with the erratic pounding of his heart.

Rubbing his hands over his face, he wondered if the strange girl was still in the palace.

Part of him wanted her to be gone. He had been trapped here for centuries and he didn't need the painful reminder of his mother’s curse. Neither did he want to think about how the mysterious girl could go wherever she wanted, not confined to the walls of the palace like him. Because, in spite of the sprawling size of the palace, after a few centuries the walls had slowly started to cave in on him.

His body heavily protested when he tried to get up and somewhere in the back of his mind he wished that he wouldn't wake up anymore, to be free of the nightmares that plagued him every night. To be eternally at rest.

He muttered a slew of curses under his breath as he willed himself to get up. The cold of the room that greeted him not very different from how the shadows that clinged to his body at all times.

On better days, they were barely visible and he could almost forget that he had been trapped in the palace by the spell that had been put over him. Until Ivan or Zoya would inevitably find him, their physical state a harsh reminder that the people he'd tried so long to protect had been robbed of their power in his search to expand his own.

The cold structure of his mask laid rigid on his face, a stark contrast with the soft and malleable Kefta around his body.

His mind drifted back to the girl, wondering if she'd left. The image of her fearful face as she disappeared out of the heavy oaken doors making his heart sink into his stomach.

Perhaps his loneliness was getting more to him than he wanted to admit.

He wondered why she had stayed in the first place, he hadn't exactly been welcoming to her. The sound of her frightful running footsteps ringing in his ears. From what gossip he'd overheard from the other wisps, the entrance door had locked itself shut. Others had told tales of the windows doing the same.

Refusing to open. Refusing to let her out.

Her words echoed in his head.

I gladly would have left. If every way out didn’t keep shutting itself right in front of my face.

It seemed more like a hopeful dream than reality and wondered if centuries alone had finally driven him to madness. To have him hallucinate a companion to alleviate the painful emptiness of the palace now that he was near the end of his days? He could only guess.

But then, even if he had been making her up, the wisps should not have known of her presence.

The shadows that follow him clung to the walls as he passed through the hallways, as it had become a habit these days, the windows and their views still the same as they were centuries ago.

Mountainous hedges still lined the outsides of the gardens; neatly patterned flower beds laying barren, waiting for someone to put new seeds in them; Bushes that had grown far out of control sprawled out over some of the pathways and somewhere where the apple orchard had to be was nothing to be seen but a mess of trees that had stopped bearing fruit long before the reality of the curse had settled into him.

Yet there was one thing that managed to catch his eye.

From the far corner of his field of vision he caught three shapes, leisurely strolling over the gravel paths in what little sun had decided to show itself today. Or at least, one of them was. The other two figures, whom he now recognised as Fedyor and Genya, simply floated beside the new guest.

Or resident, if she too was now bound to the walls he'd spend so much time between.

He shook his head at his own wishful thinking, memories of small groups of people seeking shelter in the stables coming back to him.

They were never rich or looked to have any money on them. Always seemed like they were minutes away from freezing and more often than not, dressed in what could easily be mistaken for dish rags.

He'd never dared to get close to them, always staying far enough that even the normal, conversational tone would only reach his ears like whispers. His shadows had always been intimidating to others; Even when he could control them.

People had always referred to him as odd in all sorts of senses of the word. None of them had ever been kind, but he'd learned to live with it. To brush off every insult they hurled at him like snow on his coat. Yet there was one he had never been able to shake. Perhaps because it told him how he felt about himself, perhaps for reasons he would not reach for.

Monster, they would call him. Hideous, inhumane, incapable of any good deed or intention.

His scars stung under his mask at the thought. Another painful reminder of what he had lost in his desperate search to protect the Grisha. To protect his people.

He watched the trio from his high position at the window, his face only inches from the cold glass as he observed every move and he couldn't help but to be fascinated with the girl between the wisps, shame creeping up his face when he realised he never had the decency to ask for her name.

She laughs along to a joke either of the wisps told and a fleeting thought makes him wish to know what it sounds like. Yet as soon as he tried to get a hold of it, the idea was gone.

He watched for what could be mistaken for hours as Ivan's formless wisp floated up next to him.

"Barely a day here and she's already stolen the hearts of the two best informants we have."

There was a bitter tone to his teasing lilt. "I can't say if I find their hopefulness foolish or not."

"We've been waiting centuries," Aleksander simply said, "Someone was bound to show up one day."

"Funny she should have come here the very same night we were locked into this place."

"Did she?"

He hummed in confirmation and Aleksander was surprised that he still kept track of it after a good millenia had passed.

He tried to suppress the feeling of anger and distrust that rose to the surface at the implication of Ivan's words. But it was impossible to hide as his shadows coiled and curled around him like angry waves as they rapidly filled the hallway, threatening to swallow the wisp of the man beside him.

His eyes returned to the trio in the garden where they had taken to the shade of one of the dying willow trees. From his position he couldn't exactly see what they were doing, but seeing Genya and Fedyor fly around her excitedly only made him more curious.

Yet Ivan's words burned in his mind.

He didn't want to believe she'd stoop that low, but then again, she'd locked him in here, hadn't she? What would stop her from forcing someone into his arms?

Shadows started to creep in from the edge of his vision, the gilded edges of the window already covered in the black tendrils as he tried to put the idea aside.

He wished she'd cursed only him, for the rest of the Grisha to go unharmed. If at this moment it only meant he could check with Fedyor if the girl had indeed been telling the truth. But she had robbed all of them. Of their power, of their physical presence. Of their lives.

They were not dead, but neither were they truly alive, only occupying that weird space between the living and the dead.

With a heavy heart he turned himself from the window, back to the path he was going. Why he hadn't thought of his mother being behind this, he did not know. What he did know was that it was foolish to have hope. To have the slightest inclination that he might be freed from this place.

Perhaps the centuries of loneliness had indeed turned him into a fool.

He didn't see the girl for the rest of the day. In part because he refused to look for her, the other part avoiding her. He knew the palace didn't agree, having learned to read the moods of the building after all the time he spent between its walls.

"Disagree all you want, but she's not the person we're looking for," he quietly muttered under his breath, paying no mind to the few wisps he passed.

The shift in atmosphere was the palace's answer. Still disagreeing with him.

At times he hardly thought the palace had gotten a will of its own and had instead inherited that of his mother.

Which once again became apparent when he found himself in front of the garden doors. He'd long given up on trying to open them, the locks immediately shutting on themselves when he only reached for the handle.

A cruel way to separate him from the rest of the world, but perhaps for the better now that there was a new visitor. His stomach twisted as he once again watched the girl interact with Fedyor and Genya. It had been too long since he'd seen them like this. Laughing with each other without a care in the world, and of who might be watching.

But then there was also the inevitability that one day, she would leave. Leave this accursed place in search of better fortune and he couldn't say he blamed her.

Part of him wished he still cared enough to at least try and open the garden doors, the other part snidely reminding him they would still lock themselves as soon as he touched the handles.

Shaking his head, he turned away from the scene before him, squashing the spark of hope that tried to rise within him again.

There would be no end to his confinement. Not until time would finally wear on him enough that death would be a mercy granted to him.

And even if his mother had sent her here to free him, he doubted she could truly love him.

Once she learned what he had done. To Ravka. To the Grisha.

History proved that time and time again. At kindest, they called him an idealistic fool who got drunk on his own power, at worst, they called him a demon. A monster sent to deceive and destroy them all.

He turned away from the doors to make for his office, far away from the garden and even further away from the girl that raised false hope in him every time he saw her.

Perhaps it would be the best for them both if he stayed as far away from her as possible. To keep them both safe from the corruption that he seemed to take with him wherever he went.

The following few days he managed to avoid her pretty well. Only a few times nearly stumbling into  her as the palace seemed hellbent on making them meet. Even if it was just in passing, Aleksander would have none of it. Love had only hurt him in the past, whether that be by the people he held close or by others who hurt those people and it would not heal him now.

But just like the mind of his mother, the palace was a tricky thing and it took the building only so long to figure out how to get the general and the new guest to meet again.

He'd mostly kept to his own office and his private quarters, occasionally taking a long stroll through the winding halls of the palace, purposefully making it difficult for the palace to get them in the same room again.

It was about a week after he'd decided to avoid her that he needed something from the library, wisps coming and going around him, some accidentally passing through him, though he hardly felt the difference anymore between them and the shadows that clung to him.

The library seemed to be empty, thick layers of dust coated the books on the shelves. The silence so thick Aleksander could swear he could touch it some days.

Quietly he moved over the pathways, scanning the books for the title he was looking for.

His movements were suddenly halted as someone crashed into him. In a flash of panic he wondered if someone had broken into the palace. To kill the monster hiding behind its walls. What he found instead was the girl who had arrived a few days ago.

He only realised his shadows had started acting up again when she started apologising for not paying more attention to her surroundings.

"It is okay," he reassured her, "I wasn't paying attention either." It felt strange to hear those words leave his lips. Even when he was still human, he hardly apologised for anything to anyone, yet the loneliness of the palace seemed to have changed him in ways he never thought of.

“I see you’ve taken an interest in the history of the Grisha,” he said as his eyes fell on the books she’d nearly dropped when they’d crashed into each other.

“My mother was Grisha. I thought I could perhaps learn more about what she could do and who her people are. Should be a lot easier now that I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly…”

A wry smile twisted over his face. If it were up to the palace, she would have all the time in the world. Not that he would tell her that, it had probably already taken her more than enough courage to let Genya convince her to stay when the palace had locked her in, he wouldn’t ask her to muster it again with the revelation that she would be stuck here with him for far longer than either of them planned on being.

“Is there a particular title you are still looking for?”

“The Lives Of The Saints, sir. I tried asking Genya, but she wasn’t of much help unfortunately. I suppose there are downsides to being a formless wisp when you can’t touch a book.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that as he remembered David and Zoya going through the same issue when they couldn’t read their favourite books anymore.

“Well, if memory serves me correctly, it should be here.” he said, fishing a slim, dusty book from one of the top shelves, pleased when he indeed turned out to be correct.

“Here you go.”

“Thank you. I hope you find what you are looking for as well.”

She disappeared quietly between the shelves with a last goodbye, leaving him alone once more.

“You like her, don’t you?” Genya chuckled from behind him, his shadows lashing out at hearing her voice.

“She is the first human being any of us have seen in a good milenia. I can’t say that I don’t find it hard to remain indifferent to her.”

“Still not entertaining the thought that maybe, just maybe, she might be here to lift the curse?”

“You know that is a foolish hope Genya. She wants to be here just as much as any of us do. She’ll leave with the first chance she gets.” His heart grew heavy at the thought. A grief clawing at him that he could not simply free the Grisha confined to the palace and leave him with the fate he deserved.

“General, you know just as well as I that she can’t. She won’t leave. Not before the curse is lifted anyway.”

“You know she will once she discovers what happened. What really happened. She won’t stay and if she does, I refuse to believe she will do so because she wants to. She will stay because this accursed place will make her.”

And because no one can love a monster like me, he thought quietly to himself. Without another word, he turned around to leave the library, too angry to care about his shadows enveloping the aisle or to look for the book he wanted to read.

When the evening came, he was still stewing in his anger. As much as he liked both Genya and Fedyor, they seemed to have been completely taken by the ridiculous notion that she would save them.

He could tell the walls were scolding him for such a thought and that maybe he should’ve been more open to the possibility of being freed before it had to resort to more desperate measures. To not let him be able to scare her away.

“General? She has prepared dinner for you andherself in the kitchen.” The quiet voice of one of the servants alerted him, the shock of it suddenly piercing through his train of thought alarming him. It was a bad habit he seemed to have developed since the arrival of their guest, one he really had to kick to the curb if he somewhat wanted to keep the illusion that he had a certain amount of control over his shadows.

“I’ll be there shortly.”

Prepared food. It was something that had become a distant memory over the years. Time stood practically still between the walls and had completely eliminated his need to eat. Yet the mention of her making something for herself, no for the two of them, made his stomach twisting like he hadn’t eaten in weeks.

He quietly wondered what sort of food she’d made. Being on the run often didn’t allow for fancy meals or long cooking times and from what he remembered when he was a child, food consisted mostly of old bread and nearly gone bad meat and cheese. If anything, it was a miracle he’d lived long enough to see the creation of the Fold.

The kitchen, for the first time in what should have only been yesterday, smelled sweet of the warmth of a fire, a finely cooked broth and he could swear he picked up on the scent of roasted meat.

“I see the cooks were generous enough to teach you one of their recipes.”

“They did. I didn’t really think anything would still be of use here after sitting unused for so long, but I was pleasantly proven wrong. I hope you’re hungry, because there is a lot,” she strained as she lifted the heavy pot away from the fire.

He had to admit that it did smell good, which either meant that they’d kept an annoyingly close eye on you and the food or that you were quite good at this; Probably to the cooks’ dismay.

To his surprise, Aleksander found that the food put in front of him was far tastier than anything he could remember from when he had last snuck into the kitchens for a snack when the rest of the staff had turned in for the night and the thought made him bitterly aware that even the memory of good food had become distant and foreign to him.

He tried not to let the feeling show too much, even if it was probably in vain but he continued to eat, hoping he could at least not make her think she did a bad job on the preparation of their meal.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before he asked: “How has your search into Grisha history been going?”

“Well, I’ve been learning a lot. Small science is a fascinating subject. Though, I do wish there were sources about it with less of a bias against Grisha since they all seem to describe it as some arcane sort of witchcraft.”

“I am sure the other Grisha here would be more than happy to help you distinguish myth from reality.”

“Oh they are. It is kind of my own ’fault’, for lack of better wording, that I can’t really grasp what it really is and does from text books and word of mouth alone. Not that it stops me from trying to understand it anyway.”

A soft warmth filled his chest upon hearing her words. To know that she still wanted to learn about the Grisha even when both history and her own ability to learn were trying to work against it.

“But how did this place come to be exactly? I always thought the Little Palace was a fairytale Grisha parents would tell their kids so they would sleep soundly at night. To an extent anyway.”

Aleksander’s heart twisted in his chest. “The Little Palace started as a dream of a shadow summoner not long before the creation of the Fold. They managed to work their way up into the Ravkan court of the ruling dynasty at that time and over an extended period they got enough support to have the place built, though it took a few decades for the construction to be completed.

Since then it has served as a refuge for Grisha fleeing the violence and condemnation they would have to face elsewhere.”

He could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to make sense of his words. Sooner or later she would ask the inevitable question of how the Grisha here ended up as wisps except for him and he had to admit to himself he did not have a good lie ready. At least not one that would remove her probably growing suspicion on what was going on.

He could sense his shadows curling nervously in the air and cursed himself for not having a better grip on either his emotions or his shadows.

“Sensitive topic?”

“It is not exactly one of the things I like discussing the most, no.”

“I understand. History has uhhh… not exactly been kind to shadow summoners.”

By her reaction to him, he knows his shadows are intimidating her and a voice in the back of his head tells him he should probably comfort her; He knows that if he did she would keep asking questions about the palace, what happened to it, and by extent what happened to its Grisha residents and to him; Why he seemed to be the only human being in the place while the other Grisha resembled his shadows more than their own bodies.

His frustration clung to the walls as he tried to clear his head. Why did she make him feel this way? Why could she so easily reach into him and touch exactly what he was afraid of she would reach when he had spent more time than he cared to remember building walls around himself to ensure that would not happen.

He cursed at his mother for his predicament, for locking him up; For taking his control over the shadows; but most of all he cursed her for what she did to the Grisha in the palace and for the false hope of  that impossible promise about  true love she’d given him.

@blissfullybarnes @stuckysdaughter @hagarsays @ohsorandomlyme @bat-revival @littlebobree @profoundme444 @psychomanias @joossieisdabomb @thecatempire @hummelmia @kahlanmars @intothesoul @sarcasm-n-insomnia @jack-napier-2008 @phantomofmoon @marvelmusing @idaofinfinity

[wisheduponastar]

Oh my god. I want to simply send every emoji from the ask game.

If it’s ok, I’m going to send a few:

⛅️💧⛈️

- 🚑

Aww, thanks. I'm sure if I searched through my WIPS for long enough I could come up with some things. In this process, I discovered how little I have written down for one of my main (eventual) longfics, how many plans I have with no many words, and many wips that haven't seen sunlight for many moons. Some of them are here :

🌤️Share your favorite piece of dialogue from your WIP.

I have rather a large amount of wips, and far too much dialogue between them. Is this the best I've written? Probably not. Is this even my main fandom? No. Is this my most recent wip and something I'm proud of because I struggle with writing banter? Yes.

"I may yet forgive you," Astarion quips, "Depending on why you've spent so long admiring me."

"Admiring you?" Gale echoes, at first looking confused before realising Astarion's implications, "I assure you, it's simply-"

"Academic curiosity." Both of them say at the same time, Astarion grinning. He keeps the smile on his face as he asks, "But I'm in a generous mood today, what do you desperately want to ask me?"

"It's nothing." Gale insists again, "I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"We've both been honest with each other about our afflictions," Astarion says it so casually that Gale almost wonders if they're talking about the same problems. "Besides, if I had been offended by your asking I doubt I would have given you enough information to write a book."

Gale makes a doubting noise, "Perhaps a brochure, a research paper."

"A short book?" Astarion asks.

"Perhaps not even a research paper," Gale muses. "I'd only have one source, after all."

"Well, ask what you want too." Astarion gestures to himself, "I am an open book."

"I was..." Gale seems apprehensive still, "Wondering about your mouth."

Astarion's eyes shine at the opportunity of an innuendo, before Gale talks over him, "Wait- your fangs, specifically."

"My fangs?" Almost absentmindedly, Astarion runs his tongue across his fangs. "It's an uncommon kink, but I'd be more than-"

"Academically wondering."

"I thought I wasn't even enough for a book." There's a fake hurt in his tone, and an element of teasing.

"Well, you can help support my hypothesis," Gale says amicably.

"Very well." Astarion smiles larger than he usually does, and for some reason Gale doesn't even interpret the show of fangs as threatening. But as- and then Astarion speaks, "What does our wizard need?"

🌩️ Share something funny/cracky from your WIP.

The humour is sprinkled throughout my cracky-est WIP, so I shall give a summary. We have the lovely Hawthorne finding a weirdly cheap place to rent. Unfortunately, students don't have too much choice.

Queue a fic's worth of shenanigans featuring eldritch-horror Mog, horribly confused Hawthorn, and a least seven times he's accidentally locked himself in the room with her and they've both been horrified about it. (it's nevermoor fandom for the people who inevitably won't get it)

💧Share something romantic/hot from your WIP, or just something sweet if it's gen.

This is a small extract from a fic I hope to become my magnum opus, that exists largely in my head. Have one of the few scenes that is written down - and will almost certainly change once it is published.

“Thank you.” The pause comes. “But my heart already belongs to another.”

“I thought you had no partner?” There’s some disappointment in Éowyn’s tone, and now a confused inflection for her.

“I do not. And what I have is not a longing I have shared with many, you would be right to assume there is no one in my life.”

“And you have not confessed? Most women have hopes of a man like you; I cannot see a lady who you knew well turning down your advances.”

“You may be overestimating, my lady.” Aranuir laughs, small but lighter than he has been for most of the conversation. His gaze lingers on Éowyn for a second, as if debating something in his mind. “Although even if your words are true… I am not convinced they would be helpful.”

What Aranuir has just said - has just admitted - hangs in the air as Éowyn processes them. This time minds go through her head, and a name briefly on her lips before she looks up at him. As if asking permission for the words, the writing on his heart, to finally be acknowledged and spoken aloud. A silent understanding passes between them, and then she straightens. Smiling, if only a little. “Well, if I am to lose you to someone - I am glad that it is to Boromir.”

I'm sure I have more snippets for more emojis if you're inclined, and thanks so much for sending them in! Hope you enjoyed the little snippets <3

original ask game

[bloodbruise]

hiii! firstly, i just wanna say that i admire your writing and the way you use imagery to cast certain moods for different stories. i think in your past life you were some great poet, like homer lol! i am a baby to tumblr, but ive been wondering about posting my own takes on certain topics. i wanted to ask how you started writing and posting regul(us)arly, without getting embarrassed or discouraged!

(ps-thank u for being u🩵)

this is !!! so incredibly kind of you wow 🥺🥺 i’m floored. to even be mentioned in the same breath as a poet, let alone homer, is an honor. though if we're measuring by a 'homer scale,' i'd place my writing abilities closer to homer simpson than the poet.

if i am being completely honest, i really started posting because i was searching for a queer community. i grew up in a major city and still have a great one there, but i moved to a smaller city to go to a really STEM oriented, cutthroat school—where all connections are really just for career advancement. i basically looked back and realized that i had spent the last four years with my head shoved so far up a book that i was really suffering without that community. i also knew i was gonna have to start writing my personal statement for med school soon. writing is my weakest skill, and the only writing i'd been doing was scientific IRMaD papers for school, so i wanted to force myself to practice. what better way than through something i already loved and engaged with consistently: fanfiction.

when I first started posting my writing, it was definitely intimidating. i had moments when i overthought, got embarrassed, and quickly deleted posts. but i learned that it is just part of the process of finding your space in fandom. you’re inevitably going to stumble a bit, you’re gonna hit some zero note posts, and yeah, it can be discouraging. i think its really naive when people say “oh, just post for yourself, who cares if you get no interactions with it.” because honestly, if we were ONLY writing for ourselves, we'd just keep everything in our google docs, right? a big part of the joy in fanfiction is connecting with the community. 

but you also cant let that hold you back. what always keeps me going is the enjoyment i get from crafting stories—writing things that i wanted to read or the characters i wanted to see (i love horror and medicine. i literally threw them together to make my evan. and i would be nothing without my unsettling, ethically questionable, freak medical malpractitioner). so it is so, so important to stay true to your own vision. if you see barty with neon purple hair, write him that way. if your remus is a pretty pretty princess, embrace it. they’re your stories. and if anyone tells you otherwise, they can fuck themselves.

so i would say keep posting and interacting with other people, your favorite authors, friends, followers. as you continue, your confidence will grow, and your audience will find you. be patient with yourself and push through the doubts. it's all about finding your voice and enjoying the process! 

please feel free to tag/send me when you do start sharing your writing! i would be happy to read it :)) and i also wanted to thank YOU for being you because you are so very kind and you put a huge smile on my face ❤️❤️❤️

[ask-outsiders-owen]

(this feels familiar. Soo familiar but no memory of it really exists. Not now. Not yet)

What happened here?

Hi Owen! Glad to see you reaching out to us. You'd think with so many people in the clearing you'd find someone else to talk to but alas your left chatting with the weird people in you head. Interesting isn't it?

Oh wait. You only just came up....maybe there's not as many people around, still, you chose to trust your own mind over those if others when looking for....what are you looking for? Comfort? Guidance? A sense of stability?

Alllll great things to receive from voices in your head I'm sure.

Even going as far as to respect the fact we have distinct identities. Let's just say I'm...... Surprised.

I do enjoy the unexpected so, I'm looking forward to seeing the inevitable choas this will bring.

As for a name? I don't know if I fully understand the system right but I think I'll go by....hm....how about...

-Salt Voice :)

(be prepared I love to yap. You will receive monologues and rants from me. Hope you don't mind I'm a fan of the dramatics.)

Ah- I... that's a lot for your first time speaking up, Salt voice!

There are people to talk to, but they're.. elsewhere? I'm not sure where Rasbi went, but the clearing is shockingly hard to search even being enclosed.I wouldn't say I'm dependant on you voices for anything more like.. accepting that you're there?

It's not like there's any point trying to ignore the murmurs in the back of my head, whether you're a part of.. my own thoughts somehow or your own beings. Either way, it would be rude to not ignore your separation- I mean, I can tell when different voices are speaking!-

...Mostly, so far at least.

It's like I can hear different tones or inflections as each of you speak up, a different mental image. Why would I ignore that and act as if you were all the same?

...And why are so many of you eager for drama and chaos? "You only just came up" you said- is there something you know that I don't?...

...

Maybe don't answer that. Let's try to limit the 'chaos' until I can at least settle into this place.

* Owen has settled by the pond, waiting until the poll of who he should stay with has concluded

[OOC: HIYA SALT VOICE 😈 I WAS AWAITING YOU. I AM EXCITED TO SEE THE YAP]

[evilevilevilnotevilevilagain]

26, 27, D, & F for ka pleeeeaaaaaase

:') awe ty for sending an ask ragsy. I'm gonna go w Sundering KA since theyve got the most cohesive story n development...

 26. What is their preferred mode of transportation?  

Honestly, KA largely prefers going on foot. They don't much trust horses, don't really like relying on others in general(whether animal or man) & they don't have the means of owning one themself. Carriages are rare around Thornmouth since a lot of it is kind of underground. (Modern KA by contrast is a huge car geek and loves vintage muscle cars. They own a Shelby Mustang and yes its absolutely ruined their credit)

27. What causes them to feel dread? 

Falling below their own set standards. Doing a suboptimal job. KA's philosophy denies success and instead works off the idea that failure is inevitable. It is always lurking just around the corner and everybody knows it. Lurking in search of them in particular. All they can do is keep balancing on the knifes edge, always racing against their own demise. They wont admit it, but every time they fuck up a job their brain does very much scream at them that their boss hates them and is going to kill them now.

Its probably one of those delightful ocd holdovers from their early cult days. Ascension is virtually impossible, but falling below is all too easy and so difficult to claw your way back up from.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

HMM. Actually their very first iteration had facial tattoos that I ended up taking off bcus it just felt like too much visual noise. And also I couldnt draw the knife tats in a way that didnt feel too cartoony n goofy... kinda took away from the general angstiness of KA. I also don't think as they are now they wouldve even allowed someone else to tattoo their body and face. It would be far too intrusive.

Technically their helmet changed too since inception, though that's been something I've always played around with, still do even now. But it does kinda have its baseline look. Its a teeny bit more "practical" now haha.

They were also a lot thinner, which is always a fault of mine, esp at first w chara designs vv; cus drawing wiry long thin limbs is just so fun. But theyve since moderately bulked up. I still like to think of them as an agile fighter, strike hard and fast type of guy, so theyre not like a bodybuilder or anything, but theyre sturdy. I may sometime still fall into that pitfall... but trying to be better abt it. Esp bcus most settings theyre in theyre also like, forty years old. They have more of a plank bodyshape now. Strong thighs, arms r more wiry. They are still terrible abt hydration tho, so more muscle definition in the torso lol. Still trying to balance not very wide shoulders w still making them look imposing. Always striving for making them look cool while simultaneously acknowledging that theyre an AFAB person n may not always pass, n doesnt have any access to modern gender affirming care.

(modern settings they might still be more thin, esp when theyre younger.)

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Idk I think KA's badass and hot lol. But more seriously, yeah I am actually pretty proud of their character. Their story for Sundering I feel like is one of the best Ive come up with to date. It has all the little things youd want in a character arc. Theres twists and turns and unforeseen circumstances changing the course of the plot, shifting character motivations, a moderately sized supporting cast.

As a person? Sure, KA is frustrating as hell. Theyre stuck in their ways and I always have to keep that in mind and not give them *too* much character growth n self awareness lmao. Theyre an interesting mix of contradictions, but thats also what I find most fun in crafting a fictional character in general, because thats what feels most true to life.

N I am always so so excited to write KA against other characters and show just how deranged the way they navigate life is <3 So yeah idk, excitement is most apt I guess. Always dying to get inside their head some more.

[craneswings]

Yuzu Lore Meta 01 - Hoshido (& General) Background

Alright, let's do this one last time.

My name is Yuzu (Fire Emblem Cipher). I was sucked into Boundless Chaos, and for five years, I've been the one and only Cranewinged Swordswoman. I'm pretty sure you know the rest.

...actually no, there's no way you know the rest. All that this girl has ever said is that she is a samurai of Hoshido and refused to elaborate. Let's try fixing that.

This meta aims to primarily answer Yuzu's place in Hoshidan society, the series of events that led her to Cipher, and how she finds herself in Fódlan today. Some sections may be generalized or skimmed over, either for the sake of avoiding assumptions of Fates characters (no matter how minor they are) or for potential expansion in future character-building.

One final thing before I begin...this meta in particular will be very assumptive without viable proof along with attempting to cover a period of time offscreen to Fates. I only ask for patience if I get details wrong in this post, and even encourage discussion to help improve the validity of this character establishment!

Part 0 (get it like Cipher haha): What We Know

To get everyone on the same page, here is a list of information that is given regarding Yuzu's background. As always, translation for the Cipher Frontier series can be found here. Huge thanks to Cecil of course. <3

Yuzu hails from Hoshido.

Yuzu was potentially traveling through Nohr before the events of Cipher.

...yes, this is literally it. All of Shadows of Valentia is fruitless regarding home life, sticking to building Yuzu's character and at most bringing up the search for her older brother.

I did say this meta was going to be more assumption over theory from the start.

For reference, the above information comes from a single line from Issue 11 of Cipher Frontier, which is Yuzu's introductory issue:

I’m… um, I am Yuzu, samurai of Hoshido. I have been training in the martial arts since I could hold a sword. For various reasons, I currently find myself traveling through Nohr. (Yuzu in Cipher Frontier Issue 11)

With this lack of information, it can be questioned the point of establishing more on someone clearly meant to be vague or open-ended. However, as I already know many Fire Emblem fans only acquainted with the primary media already find Cipher to be daunting, I believe it would be better to establish Yuzu into the main continents as precisely as possible. Also, she's my girl. I think she deserves more than an advertising line when it comes to her home.

I have decided to format this meta differently to my other metas. Instead of longer, analytical sections, I will write out smaller subsections that aim to describe Yuzu's experiences and knowledge of the given topics. This will also hopefully make the information easier to digest whenever it has to be referenced in the future.

Part 1: Hoshido: Before Cipher

1.1 Birthplace & Parents

Yuzu was born in Hoshido's capital city, which encircles Castle Shirasagi, the royal family's residence. Both her mother and father were strong, honorable soldiers in service of Hoshido's army. Her parents ranked high in military service, leading to them being assigned the crucial role of protecting the castle. Because of this, Yuzu's home was closer to Castle Shirasagi and deeper within the capital.

Her father was a Swordmaster. Her mother, a Sniper with some talent in throwing shurikens. Their high skill in weaponry always amazed Yuzu, being only another reason why she loved being with them. Whenever she could be with them, of course.

Her parents took their service very seriously, as both sides of the family tree came from a long lineage of military servitude. More often than not, Yuzu would only see them whenever they were off service, which would happen once a month if she was lucky.

One time, a young Yuzu attempted to sneak into Castle Shirasagi to find the parents she missed. Being a citizen, she was inevitably thrown out, though it was her father who peacefully escorted her out. She whined that she never saw him anymore, that he didn't love her anymore. He takes a while to counter, but when he does he gives a hearty laugh.

"Young Yuzu. Of course we love you. Our love for you rivals that of the path of the sword. Set yourself down that path, and you can see us as much as you'd like.

From that day onward, Yuzu swore her devotion to the path of the samurai. She first properly held a sword when she was 6.

1.2 Older Brother

Yuzu was the second child to be born in her household. The firstborn was her older brother, 7 years her senior. Naturally, he acted as Yuzu's secondary guardian for the parents who were always away. He was always a little overprotective toward Yuzu as a child, never letting her sneak out of his sights. A little overbearing, but he just wanted to keep her safe.

Yuzu loved her older brother. This love only heightened after she began her training.

As soon as she could hold a sword, things changed. Her older brother learned of her goal to become a samurai, and his overprotectiveness disappeared overnight. It was replaced with a sense of adventure, and chance.

He had never seen the world outside of the capital. It might be dangerous, deadly even, but he had seen Yuzu's determination firsthand: wielding weapons at such a young age. If anyone was going to keep up with his desire to travel across Hoshido, it was her.

So after another year had passed, they did just that. With nothing but some weapons, a few provisions, and emergency equipment, Yuzu and her brother left the capital to explore its outskirts. Only a month or so of travel, making it as far as Fort Jinya before setting back home.

Nothing extreme might have happened on the trip, but Yuzu cherished it all the same. During breaks, her older brother demonstrated his own superiority in weaponry. Not just in sword, but in lance, axe, bow...even bare-handed combat. Her respect for her sibling evolved beyond seeing him as an elite samurai. Yuzu saw him as a teacher in all martial arts.

She told him that she wanted to do this again, and more often. So they continued to travel through Hoshido and learn more of the land they lived in.

1.3 Expeditions

Expeditions became Yuzu's main source of excitement for the next years of her life. From 8 to 13, Yuzu's maturity was only boosted by exploring her country.

They tested the entirety of their homeland. Scaled mountains. Climbed the Eternal Stairway down and up. Reached the opposite oceans that touched Mokushu. And so on.

Of course, they couldn't manage to cover every inch of land with such limited time. Some areas they were not allowed to enter, such as the Kitsune Hamlet. Igasato also evaded their grasps, despite knowing of the training village in the mountains. But the majority of Hoshido's culture was absorbed during their journeys, including the Wind and Flame Tribes.

But what Yuzu loved the most about their times together? Training. Her older brother was her instructor, teaching her the way of physical weaponry. Sparring sessions, practice courses through woods and mountains alike, weapon maintenance...he taught her all. Lessons extended beyond tools of war, but Yuzu was always fascinated with those the most.

One place that he and Yuzu found themselves stopping at the most was the Bottomless Canyon: the border between their home and Nohr. They never ended up crossing it on their earlier travels, Yuzu recalling her father reminding her to never cross into Nohr. But whenever she turned to return to Hoshido, she always saw her brother staring ahead for a moment...thinking.

She should have seen the signs earlier.

1.4 Into Nohr?

Yuzu woke up in her house to find the premises empty. She found only a small note on her older brother's bed. Its contents explained his exhaustion of prowling the same fields for his whole life. He wanted to see more, and he left to do just that. At its end, he told Yuzu to not look for him. To become a samurai, just as she said she wanted to.

Yuzu refused.

Within the next week, Yuzu found herself staring down the Bottomless Canyon once again. This time, with the intention to enter the unknown. Fortresses stood on both ends to prevent foreigners from crossing, but Yuzu's studies in the way of the ninja allowed her to pass without incident.

Soon enough, she managed to reach Nohr's lands. The ground was much colder than Hoshido, and even the air felt unfamiliar. Despite the unpleasant feelings, Yuzu felt exhilarated by the new possibilities. She understood those sad eyes from her brother, looking over where he was not allowed.

He must be here. He had to be.

However, as soon as she exited the untamed mountain ranges and peeked at open valleys, some...thing started to swirl around Yuzu. She made it out as a vast fog, but no matter how quick she was, it followed quicker. She ended up engulfed, eventually fainting.

When she woke up, Yuzu was in...battle armor? She turned to see the Hoshidan flag in front of her and a massive army. The banner of her home now marched forward to face a Nohrian one.

War had begun.

Part 2: Cipher Events

So in advance, these next parts will (hopefully) be a lot shorter. Also with more commentary from me over narrative. Mainly because I’d rather expand on Boundless Chaos and Cipher itself in a future post rather than now. But at the moment, here is what’s relevant for Yuzu’s background:

2.1 First War

Yuzu debuts in Fire Emblem Cipher Series 3: "Hopeward Twin Swords." This pack included Path of Radiance and, slightly more importantly, Fates characters of both allegiances. Many cards focus on the Hoshidan and Norhian alliance, reflecting on the events of the Revelations route. However, along with headcanoning that this was Yuzu's first Cipher war, I believe that this was a war between Hoshido, Nohr, and Tellius. No truces were made, with maybe some instances of the Fates characters fighting off Tellius together.

I am making this choice due to Yuzu's unique circumstance of being marked as both Hoshidan (in her base card) and Nohrian (in her promoted card). In fact, here is her primary skill as a base unit:

Guest Nohrian Commander [Passive]: When this unit attacks, if you have 1 or more Black [Nohrian] allies, until the end of the turn, this unit gains +10 attack. (Yuzu: Cranedwinged Swordswoman Card Skill from Series 3)

Even while sided with Hoshido, Yuzu experiences a beneficial effect from fighting alongside Nohr. As easily as this can be written off as referring to the Revelations route, Yuzu does not come from the Revelations route. (Which route is she from then? Patience.)

Put simply, Yuzu fought on opposing sides simply to survive being thrown into a sudden conflict, her first war no less. "Hoshido" is familiar enough to stand with at first, but Yuzu hesitated to go through and kill any soldiers. For one, she met Emma while on Hoshido's side, a pegasus knight claiming to have a friend on Nohr's side: Shade. Yuzu decided to spare Shade, eventually becoming a rare ally in this upside-down world.

But even more so than that, Yuzu didn't believe in striking down Nohrian warriors that fought well. Because...what if one of them were her brother?

She could never live with the thought of slaying her own teacher.

Later on, when the war turned against Hoshido and Nohr with a third faction, the former enemies teamed up to take on the third party. This allowed Yuzu to work more closely with Nohr for once (hence her teamwork skill and promoted card's changed allegiance).

After further fighting, the war ended. Not because a clear victor emerged, but because Yuzu was lost in the abyss once more. And from then? More wars ensued.

2.2 Other Wars

Cipher is all about the ever-growing span of various wars loosely based on FE continents. That is why I used ""'s earlier to acknowledge Hoshido once. Similar to the side Yuzu fought for may be to Hoshido, it is not her Hoshido. Any non-Cipher characters that Yuzu fought with or against over the period of Cipher I headcanon to not have recognized, outside of the potential lord of a game. Hoshidan characters will be different, but again, later.

Over the next 5 years of her life (from 13 to 18), Yuzu took part in these "proxy" wars. Figures of history that fought each other for little practical reason other than for more turf. It would have been a harrowing experience for Yuzu, if she wasn't having fun.

A warzone, as twisted as it seemed, was the perfect place for her to put her various weapon experiences into practice. Over this time, Yuzu swapped classes often, which led to her trying out practically every physical weapon and even magic once. For those curious, they can check out all of Yuzu's Cipher cards here.

As for the specifics of those wars...it's complicated. As of now, I will say that Yuzu fought in any war that she was packaged with as a series, which will be listed below. In the future I may declare she participated in more wars with her friends, but this list will suffice for now. (Bolded lands is the side Yuzu takes, and will imply a land she may somewhat be familiar with.)

Series 3: Tellius (PoR), Hoshido, Nohr

Series 4: Archanea (NM), Ylisse, and TMS

Series 7: Elibe (Blazing) and Hoshido

Series 8: Jugdral (Gen 2) and Ylisse (mainly Gen 2)

Series 9: Valentia, Elibe (Binding), and Tellius (PoR?)

Series 11: Valentia, Magvel, and Warriors

Series 13: Archanea (SD?), Elibe (Blazing), and Zenith [Yuzu is Colorless but not technically Zenith-aligned!]

Series 16: Valentia, Magvel, Tellius (RD), and Zenith

Series 20: Tellius (RD), Hoshido, and Nohr

Series 23: Everyone is here! Yuzu is Hoshido.

2.3 Shadows of Valentia

Now, one major exception I am making to this list is the events of Shadows of Valentia. Closer to the end of this Boundless Chaos (around when Yuzu was 16), she stumbled upon Valentia with Emma, Shade, and Randal. This is when the events of Shadows of Valentia occur, in which the Cipher OCs join the main plot thanks to the game's DLC.

Yuzu has directly experienced Shadows of Valentia on Celica's route post-Act 2 alongside the rest of the Cipher crew within that game. Obviously, muses of the other Ciphers can let me know if they'd rather they were on Alm's side, and I can work with that as well.

Yuzu still fought with and against Valentia-like forces in the Cipher wars (including Series 11, which appears to directly reference Yuzu's SoV appearance), but this moment in their continental journeys stands as one of the calmer moments. She got to know Celica's army better than the faceless forces of before, and more emphasis was on the travel rather than continuous fighting. Almost like her older days with her brother...

2.4 Impact

He was the reason she kept on fighting. Yuzu left home to find her brother, and she won't stop fighting until she sees her again. Even today.

She still has to ask him why he left, why he didn't take her, why he ended up...well, wherever she'd find him. There's a lot of questions on her mind, but she needs to say one thing above all else.

Thank you.

Without his tutelage, she would have stood no chance in this chaotic period of her life. In a roundabout way, she must thank him for the danger she found herself in only because she was looking for him. But she wouldn't have it any other way.

Yuzu still values her parents, as well as Hoshido. But these Cipher events was Yuzu's opportunity to see things beyond her homeland, no matter how confusing or vague. It was a high, battling against various formations and mighty warriors. Although she got no closer to finding her brother in this chaos, there is one thing Yuzu knew for sure.

She wanted to keep going. Keep exploring.

Part 3: After Cipher

3.1 The Return...?

After the events of Cipher, Yuzu is transported back into Hoshido, somewhere in the center of the continent. She stayed there for some time before eventually deciding to truly follow her brother's footsteps. After some traveling across the lower-half of Hoshido, Yuzu finds a boat to Fódlan, henceforth kicking off her enrollment at The Officers Academy.

She is far from certain that her older brother would be waiting for her out there in Fódlan. Let alone any other continent she may travel to. But Yuzu had learned not to worry after facing more than enough wars to last a lifetime. The adventure is what she was truly here for, anything that will allow her to fly higher than before. And then she can face down her superior brother with pride. Maybe even surpass him.

Yuzu did not end up visiting the capital, or her parents, before embarking to The Officers Academy. A coincidence, as it is unlikely that they were even there anymore.

3.2 The Truth (and also why I wanted to write this meta god why did it get soooo long)

Yuzu comes from a long lineage of mighty Hoshidan warriors, honorable knights that protect the capital. Back when Yuzu was home, her parents served the current royalty of Hoshido: King Sumeragi and Queen Ikona.

Yuzu comes from Hoshido; a Hoshido from before Queen Ikona died of illness(?) and before Mikoto took hers and Sumeragi's place as ruler. As a whole, Yuzu comes from a Hoshido many years before the events of Fates ensues.

As of now, to minimize the time shenanigans this headcanon already causes, I have it that Yuzu's return from Cipher places her in an abstract, "modern" Fates continent where a respective route has already occurred. No bias for which one that is now. Because in the end? Yuzu doesn't care who wins between Hoshido and Nohr.

On her quest, Yuzu stopped caring for the tethering of a soldier to one specific nation. Having to switch allegiances as rapidly as the tides turn, Yuzu had gotten used to swapping who she fought for just as easily as she swapped her fighting styles. Likewise, she made sure to be sparing toward any friends she made during her Cipher adventures, especially if they were on opposing sides of battle. They were her new family, as close as her older brother was for her.

Don't get it wrong, Yuzu still values and cares for Hoshido. But as she never officially became a samurai in service of the land (only giving herself the title in name alone), Yuzu does not feel bound to her homeland. The crane would rather fly on to new heights, and see what life has in store for her.

3.3 Miscellaneous Time Details

Never having the time to discuss it with Emma (and it not coming up in her TOA interactions just yet), Yuzu still believes that Hoshido's rule lies under Sumeragi and Ikona. She will likely not believe otherwise, especially considering Hoshido's fate vastly differs depending on the route Fates' muses are written on. No matter what, girl is gonna be confused. And a little torn.

I do not have a specific point in time that Yuzu comes from regarding Ikona's rule. Really only that she had not died yet, so Sakura has not been born yet. However, as Ryoma, Takumi, and Hinoka would have been much younger in this period of time, Yuzu barely knows of their existence either. In that one castle sneaking mission, it is possible that she caught a veeery small look at the royal family or even Mikoto(?) before getting caught, but I am leaning toward a negative to make interactions more natural.

Lastly, again in an attempt to minimize timeline shenanigans, I am fine with if fellow Hoshidan muses would like for them to be familiar with some...alternative Yuzu? Like, a Yuzu who remained home instead of searching for her brother, carrying on her heritage's legacy. But at the same time, I totally understand if this is too weird to add to a muses' headspace, and we can keep it as Yuzu only existing in her own time.

Part 4: Conclusion

Sorry again for dumping a lot more than expected about Yuzu's background. But I think it will be very important for her upcoming interactions and motives within TOA. In an attempt to help everyone out, here is a short timeline & list of relevant facts.

4.1 Timeline

Yuzu is born in Hoshido's capital to parents that defend Castle Shirasagi.

Her father puts her on the path of a samurai, Yuzu capable of wielding a sword when she's 6.

Her older brother takes interest in Yuzu's determination, planning country-bound trips for the next 6 years.

Yuzu attempts to find her older brother in Nohr when he vanishes one day, only to be drawn into Boundless Chaos.

Cipher happens for 5 years, or from Yuzu being 13 to 18 years old.

Around when she's 16, Yuzu and the Cipher crew find themselves participating in Shadows of Valentia.

Yuzu wakes up back in a modern Hoshido, quickly making her way to Fódlan and TOA.

4.2 Synopsis

Yuzu lived in the capital city surrounding Castle Shirasagi back during Sumeragi and Ikona's rule.

With her parents requiring to spend more time defending the castle over raising Yuzu, she bonded more with her older brother, who later took her on travels across Hoshido.

Their trips gave Yuzu a better perspective on Hoshido's culture, including the various tribes and a little about ninja and kitsune.

Her older brother leaves a note of departure when Yuzu was 13, causing her to search for his whereabouts in Nohr.

Cipher gave Yuzu the chance to work with a large variety of weapons like she trained to do.

She is unfamiliar with any of the continents she fought for/against outside of those she helped during the events of Shadows of Valentia.

As of the posting of this meta, Yuzu is unaware that she has been transported to a future Hoshido, or the future as a whole.

4.3 One Final Note

I might have said it before, but again I just want to say: please don't feel the need to work hard around this interpretation. I am already attempting to make sense of a period of FE that is difficult to work with, and many are already unfamiliar with Cipher. This meta is purely to ground Yuzu within the main aspects of Fire Emblem, and I hope that this ending part can at least help there if my other ramblings were too confusing.

Thank you for your time! I will be trying to write more on the vaguer points of this biography, maybe even give her family some names can you imagine but don't be afraid to ask me about any other details on Yuzu, here or on Discord!