#i am incapable of normal dreams LMAO

[spinnysocks]

the hyperfixation is too deep. i had a dream that i was watching a movie with tlg character cameos. tamka and nduli were in the background of a scene and i immediately went to tell my tumblr mutuals about it. i can't be saved

[cobwebbedcat]

Hello bro ❤️ I've never sent u an ask before and I am nervous so sorry if this is meandering or poorly written but I just got a big transgender hysterectomy a few days ago and while everything has been GREAT the one downside is that I'm on medical chastity for at least a month while the internal stitches heal and already I've been getting some very out there sexual dreams pertaining to things I wouldn't normally care for due to the #sexualneglect. So warning for sounding + incontinence + general pee and sadism

Overall whenever I have a character I dislike from a certain media or whatever I'll just ignore them but recently I had a dream that featured some sounding, and even tho I'm a big piss guy I'm not a huge fan of items in the urethra usually. But for whatever reason, maybe because I've been more starved recently, the idea really stuck and I started thinking about sounding as torture for a few different characters I otherwise dislike. In particular, I always found Lucifer rlly boooringggg... But I really like the idea of him, absolutely desperate for contact, begging for you to use him, only for you to take it as an opportunity to torture him with increasingly worrying and potentially painful/damaging instruments down his urethra. He'll start crying a little from the pain, and even a few days after it's causing him problems with his ability to control his bladder. Completely soaking his dress pants in the middle of an important meeting because he is literally, physically incapable of holding it, or drooling piss into his otherwise pristine and meticulously maintained silk underwear 24/7 because it just goes right through him, no barrier at all. And even after he's able to heal from the encounter he just comes crawling back to you, begging you to do it again to get any kind of contact from you. Lol. Lmao even

Hi!! First of all, congrats on your surgery! Glad that it sounds like it went well! I hope you recover quickly and awesomely 💖

Secondly nooo you think lucifer is boring 🥺😭 nooo

Third AAH so HOT!!!!!! I'm always a huge huge sucker for desperate and needy Lucifer. love the idea of his pride slowly slipping away from him as he admits to himself and to you how badly he wants your touch and attention- even if it's painful. He'd hold onto any part of you that you'd let him touch (and if you want him to keep his hands to himself he definitely needs to be tied up), letting out little whimpers and then crying as you stretch his urethra open and tease him. Him begging through his tears to be allowed to cum. ooughgugh his limp cock twitching with overstimulation once he finally does cum.. oh and i LOOVE him loosing control of his bladder. The idea of him leaking, being unable to hold his piss, wetting his pants etc!!!! 🤤 he'd be humiliated (ahehehe especially if you ask to check on him, and see how wet he's gotten) but he can't deny how good it feels.. how the silk sticks to his dick, how his piss feels so warm.. it'd certainly be one way to make sure he's taking care of himself, and taking bathroom breaks LOL!

[heavensickness]

heyyyy i am here to ask abt your oc, i think she's so interesting! i read your posts about her and she seems very understanding and kind, but what would get her angry in a relationship?? i wanna learn angsty details lol! only if you are comfortable with it ofc

YEEEEEEESSSS i LOVE asks abt her lmao! before making her, when asked abt my previous OCs, i would get really awkward and wouldn't be able to explain them but it's different with her. i think that's because i put a lot of details into her personality and backstory.

Her biggest issue is that she is terrified of being seen as "useless" to her most loved person and being abandoned by them. She is normally a feisty person (though she is much more calm now) but when it comes to her favorite person, she can't just protect herself or get angry when she is supposed to get angry, because the fear of not being loved anymore is greater than anything else. her self-confidence in that sense is very low and self-detrimental, which kind of reminds me of Quest in some aspects but not entirely. anyway, this is why she put up with societyboy for years, and finally being able to dump his ass for once and all was one of the hardest and most brave decisions she's made. and this is why i think that a relationship with nightowl or xyx could either be the dream relationship or a NIGHTMARE depending on their character development with no in-between possibilities, because her protection mechanism is to fawn.

To get her ANGRY to the point that she completely forgets about her understanding nature and all the years she's spent on self-control though; reminding her of the times where she used random hook-ups and other things she's done to cope in the past to humiliate/hurt her will enrage her. Or just imply the 0.0000000001% possibility that she might be cheating on you or even that she might be interested in someone else other than you, and you can say goodbye to her forever because she will take it so personally. So you think that she is a slut? That she is incapable of being loyal, and goes around fucking anyone and everyone? Even though you didn't mean that AT ALL she will take it that way because of her own complex about her younger self.

This might be surprising considering her personality, but she reacts rather quiet to being cheated on since she is used to it and like i said before, it only makes her sad rather than angry because of her low self-worth. In other words, the implication that SHE is the cheating one instead of being cheated on makes her more furious.

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 12

post directory

obsetress: don’t ask why i had this thought because i couldn’t tell you but

obsetress: jamie wakes up in the middle of the night one night and is like “i... had a dream. about vi”

obsetress: and dani’s like “ok baby” and just nuzzles deeper into her pillow and jamie’s like

obsetress: “no, dani, a... a dream”

obsetress: and dani’s like “oh. oh” and is immediately wide awake and bright eyed

obsetress: and is like “was it any good?” and jamie is just. already flushed so red and flushed deeper and dani just hums

em: sighs wistfully

em: i also love that something compels jamie to tell dani Immediately

em: oh the perils of begrudgingly being friends w ur gfs ex

em: jamies like um. no see i can see all these different things my brain mashed together and WHY i had this dream and danis like ok but that wasn’t my question....

obsetress: jamie finally throws up her hands “of course it was”

em: jamie: And You Can’t Tell Vi She’ll Be Insufferable

obsetress: dani, very plainly, at brunch the next morning: so vi

obsetress: jamie looks like she’s going to have a heart attack and dani lets her sweat and then just smiles sweetly “i like those sunglasses. are they new?”

em: jamie what’s the problem (nothin. indigestion)

obsetress: dani very smug n thinks she’s very funny

obsetress: (she is a little funny)

em: one of jamies many ‘oh that’s why they dated’ moments

obsetress: “fookin sick, the both of ya”

em: idk why you had this thought but i’m GREATLY amused

obsetress: skskksksks right

obsetress: jamie explaining her dream to dani in great detail afterwards

obsetress: dani sitting there nodding and hmming “oh that sounds like her. no, she wouldn’t do that. now THAT she would be very good at, you’d like it”

em: i need a moment

em: jamie thinks the dark hides her massive fucken blush but it Doesn’t

em: dani can feel her heating up

obsetress: jamie “i don’t ask you to do this” dani “you’re not stopping me”

em: dani critiquing jamies sex dream is such a fucken funny concept sjdhdkhdkdhdkc

obsetress: RIGHT

obsetress: i’m dying

em: dani: oh no that’s OOC

obsetress: she wouldn’t have a riding crop jamie, it’s 2021, not 16—

em: jamie: it’s a wet dream do u really think it’s gonna have beta readers and a three act structure

em: dani hums

obsetress: dani: well did you enjoy it

obsetress: jamie: i— dani: did you?

obsetress: jamie mumbling yeah

em: jamies like i’m gonna interrogate dani next time, see how she feels- but she forgets dani is incapable of feeling shame

obsetress: like dani wouldn’t just launch into a ramble

---

em: viola

obsetress: fuck

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: to jamie, specifically,

em: to jamie specifically andhdjhdjd

em: once again ironic jamvi has turned, in my brain, into ‘yes and....’ jamvi

—-

obsetress:

obsetress: jamie sending this to viola n vi's like

obsetress: she doesn't get it because she's convinced her taste is immaculate

---

em: anyway this is ooc even for exes au but i keep thinking abt like. jamie tryna crack how old viola is (she cant be 34 im 30 it doesnt make sense) and going through her fb timeline like. 'aha! motivational quotes. gotta be late 30s' and danis either like

em: danis either like 'you have a notebook where you write down all the quotes you like baby' OR shes like haha ok thats fair (posts another motivational quote on her fb)

obsetress: god i love that so much

obsetress: both of those dani responses are

obsetress: honestly porque no los dos if we're already going ooc

obsetress: i do think the first bit "gotta crack it she can't be 34 i'm 30 it doesn't make sense" is in character fwiw

em: obviously i was inspired by ur post in the milf channel abt viola always saying shes 35

em: big brain

—-

obsetress: this is literally just. exes au rebecca

obsetress: down to the caption

obsetress: vi and rebecca patiently staging like full photoshoots for each other every time one of them wants a pic otp: i'm not high maintenance, you're just low effort

---

em: bold 2 say that we don’t think about jamie and vi tho

em: gotta keep some sorta. presentation of respectability

em: they absolutely couldn’t date tho

obsetress: lmao ikr

obsetress: yeah no they'd kill each other

obsetress: now just thinking of silly circumstances and um

obsetress: rebecca's out of town and dani's flying back from some iowa thing jamie couldn't get away for to go with

obsetress: and viola's like "oh, just stay at ours, it's closer and i'll get you a car"

obsetress: and just like

obsetress: imagining the two of them cohabitating at vi's for a night

em: jamie sneaking around at night tryna find the bathroom and runs straight into vi in a face mask and a dangerously low dressing gown Again

obsetress: the parallels to canon

obsetress: im giggling

obsetress: walks straight into her path

em: opens a door. sees something she doesn’t want to see. immediately turns and walks away

em: god the face mask would make her look like the lady in the lake

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: vi wants to go out to dinner, jamie's just like "i'm already getting up early to go to the airport, can't we just have an easy night in"

em: what did i say before. that thing abt if ur friends w damie you will inevitably walk in on them

obsetress: god yeah

em: flip of that.

obsetress: oh GOD

em: god they would argue about dinner

em: bicker about EVERYTHING

em: dani and rebecca both make the married couple joke

em: jamie goes pale

obsetress: wait sorry i just went back to tahirahs insta post and like

obsetress: katie parker commented and was like "i love these shots of you" and she was like "thanks luv " and i'm like

obsetress: why does this....... still track........... with exes au...............

em: perdy is always a little too flirty w vis paramours

obsetress: always! except dani for whatever reason

obsetress: she's just scared of dani

em: Please

obsetress: rebecca's like "i don't see what the problem is. she can do what she wants, but you trust me, don't you?" "of course i trust you" rebecca shrugs "that's it then, isn't it?"

obsetress: anyway vi huffs n crosses her arms n pouts a little bit and is like "well i don't want her to"

obsetress: rebecca is endeared and uses the opportunity to her advantage like the top leaning switch she is

em: dani rebecca parallels: always dtf

obsetress: perdi and vi fighting and vi's like "are you even gay? or do you just want what i have?" and perdi is like "does it matter?"

em: are you even gay perdi nahdkdhdkdhd

em: perdi is like you KNOW about jamie and viola crinkles her nose bc she forgot about that and she’s starting to respect jamie as a person

obsetress: djflakdkfjldkadjLDJFLSKDFJLSDKFJx

obsetress: i screeched

em: viola: you only MET jamie because i hired her for landscaping you fucking-

obsetress: just thinking about perdita watching jamie working on some property sweating in a tank top and Deciding

em: bringing out some lemonade etc

em: haha you look parched

obsetress: smiling widely, turning on the charm

obsetress: jamie is very attractive and very swoonworthy, but perdita 100% only goes for it because she refuses to let viola have one (1) thing

obsetress: and that extends to lesbianism

em: viola's like no this is normal right. siblings competing. rivalries etc and danis like uh i’m an only child and jamies like uh i raised my brother

em: they don’t know how to tell her sure it happens but it’s also extremely fucken weird vi

obsetress: jamie: you have to tell her dani: why do i have to tell her jamie: you tell her everything dani: i don't tell her–– ok, i tell her most things. i'm not sure i want to tell her this though jamie: why not dani: she's not... she's not gonna like it jamie: So You Might Be A People Pleaser,

em: jamie: i can’t tell her. she’s only just forgotten the perdi thing. what if she remembers i’ve

em: in depth character study of viola and perdi’s fucked up rivalry

em: violas like goddamn it do i have to fuck jamie to get even

obsetress: i––

em: she decides against it

em: jamie is none the wiser

obsetress: she Considers it tho

em: jamie would die on the spot if she knew

obsetress: weighs the pros and cons

obsetress: the best part is like

obsetress: this is all post-danvi and pre-damie right so when dani n jamie see rebecca and vi at that video store

obsetress: viola's like wait.

obsetress: wait

obsetress: dani ending up with the hot gardener her sister fucked because she has bizarre jealousy and possession issues is really just the cherry on top of a shit sundae

em: the funniest part of all our very tangled lore is like

em: none of it contradicts bc it’s even funnier when it’s Extremely Ugly And Messy

em: because lesbians are just... like that

---

obsetress: exes au au where viola did fuck jamie, the video rental shop scene is 100 times more awkward

em: don’t think about it don’t think about it dont

em: i am thinking about it

em: jamie has to deal with having been railed by all three of them instead of just the two

em: it feels very uneven to her bc rebeccas a doll, dani, u don’t understand, and ur only running into one ex,

obsetress: talk about the mortifying ordeal of being known

obsetress: "wait, that's your ex?" "yeah" "dani" "what" "dani" "what" jamie's voice is hushed but a lil pitchy and a lot panicky "i think i fucked your ex" "you think?" "i fucked your ex" "you fucked her or she fucked you? because i'm sorry, baby, but i really don't think––"

em: sorry, baby, but i really don’t think-

em: SCREAMED

obsetress: that might be my fave lil bit i've ever written adlfkjasdklf

em: dani being a little too interested in jamie getting railed is like. everything to me

obsetress: jamie's already big blushing

em: a little secret between hannah obsetress and em cowlesbian but i am So thinking abt it

em: patreon exclusive exes au au

[em edit: you can imagine how long this lasted]

obsetress: no one is happy about this situation except dani, who is delighted

em: after, jamie's like. what did u mean by u don’t think that...

em: puffs out her chest

em: i could have-

em: danis like yeah but i know u didn’t did u

obsetress: dani clayton ilu

em: danis like um

em: completely unprompted bc dani ‘finishes a conversation 5 hours later’ is really funny to me

em: danis like i did tho

em: jamies like can you DROP IT

em: she’s SMUG

em: she’s so pleased w herself

obsetress: in bed with the lights off jamie's pulling the sheets up and closing her eyes afterthought

obsetress: just a happy lil hum and an "i did, though"

obsetress: and jamie knows IMMEDIATELY what she's talking about

em: dani never lets jamie live it down

obsetress: never!

obsetress: they'll be washing dishes one day "hey baby?" "hmm" "you slept with a landlord"

em: oh um. flipping the whole ‘experienced jamie virginal dani’ trope everyone loves but

em: i love the idea of dani being like hey jamie did u ever- and jamies like (grumbles) does it matter

em: dani is mentally applying a gold star to her chart

obsetress: ksdljfskdfjlsdjflksdjaf

obsetress: the gold star

em: at this point dani is absolute just tryna tease jamie so she’s like oh well when- and jamies like ok i get it

em: jamie Pretends not to be a little interested

obsetress: meanwhile vi and rebecca very matter of factly swapped stories the first day they Realized

obsetress: vibecca swapping stories and their stories complimenting each other so well that they're like well. hmm

obsetress: glad those two found each other

em: two praise kinks u say

em: ok sorry one more thought i’m thinking abt like

em: jamie staying over (idk if this is before or during damie) and viola and perdi are having yet another spat on the phone and violas like

em: no you ALWAYS do this, whatever you think you’re doing with rebecca-‘ and she barely hears some muffled sorta ‘oh, sorry, remember jamie-

em: and jamies doing the maths. hmm

em: jamies like actually i refuse to examine this further. self care

em: brings it up with dani later and dani LOSES her shit laughing

em: haha jamie you got willoughby’ed

obsetress: SCREAMS

obsetress: you got willoughby'd

obsetress: how does one get willoughbyd asking for a friend

em: yeah same asking for a friend

obsetress: dani, gigglesnorting: wait, you hooked up with... with perdi?

obsetress: (dani hates perdita because viola hates perdita and it is a deep seated hatred she refuses to unlearn)

obsetress: a loyalty strange and enduring, despite it all

em: to be fair perdi is the Worst

em: all of these characters i love to make sympathetic and then perdi is where i draw the line akdhdkhd

em: it’s funnier if she’s awful

em: like a viola that never gets therapy

obsetress: lldjfkaskldfj god same

obsetress: it's too good

em: danis like wait hold on. lemme get a pen

em: makes a silly little chart

em: if the fandom tries to make jamie into a shane the l word character i will simply take that and make jamie mortified abt her uh. well! a pretty girl is nice to her and she forgets how to behave

em: jamie's like oh sure like u don’t have embarrassing flings- and danis like yeah but i don’t interact w them on a daily basis jamie

em: also i didn’t fuck perdi

obsetress: skskskflsdflks

obsetress: "you did fuck perdi though, right? because that just be embarrassing, jamie, if she had been the one who..."

em: skgsdjhdkdhdk

em: jamie grumbles something abt pillow princesses and dani like

em: CLAPS her hands in glee

obsetress: jlsdjflkJSDFKJSDFJ

obsetress: GOD

obsetress: she's immediately pulling out her phone to text vi

em: jamies like why would u message her sister that u freak n danis like oh no theyre very open with each other it’s uh. hmm. anyway

[angeloncewas]

helo tis me. the anon who went down a rabbithole and found the dream child labour thing. i am back with a fun little finding about these anti-mcyt people because all of them have the same fucking three posts reblogged. the three posts being the 'this account is not a safe for dream' with the doc full of misinfo, the post about the mask mv and the animators being unpaid (also misinfo (iirc)), and the post making fun of 'normal pills' n stuff which tbh is kinda funny. idk i just thought it was an interesting finding that i wanted to share

Hello rabbithole anon :D

It's never been more clear that these people are incapable of original thought lmao. No research, no investigative ability, just rbing the same posts that literally have proof to the contrary in the notes. It's so annoying because if you're gonna hate someone so much you should at least do it for a real reason. (Barring the "normal pills" one LOL that just went around for the sake of.)

Good that you don't interact with them though. It's always tempting and if one came and found me I totally would, but they never actually care to listen >.> some people need to chill (+ ty <3)

[xxtha-blog]

Traits People in the Fandom like to give Dream that instantly turn me away from their comics.

Wow, that's a long title. Okay, did you ever just want to hear me complain? If so, you came to the right place!

Im on a little salt bregade right now with my exasperation at lack of enjoyable Dream content in this fandom so this isn't some in depth analysis post or some if you give Dream these traits, you're a bad writer and need to stop. No. This is just a: here's some character traits people commonly write Dream with that severely conflict with the character I love him for, thus making me incapable of enjoying whatever 'Dream' they're writing because to me it doesn't look like Dream at all. And also why I don't like it and why I think this happens so frequently. And because this is just my opinion, you can either agree or ignore me. (And I mean, second one is a good option lol)

Jerkish - The classic asshole Dream. The one that says 'all this bad things that happened to me? Pffttsgsf I don't want to be a better person so I'm going to be a dick to everyone else.' This is probably the most common and usually comes with a lot of the other traits I'm about to mention

Sarcastic - This ones not that bad and if it's the only one I'll usually be fine with it, but he isn't sarcastic or passive aggressive, his closest trait to this is that he's stubborn. He's not going to shoot back something to make someone upset or because he's mad at them, even Nightmare, he's going to say something that might contend with someone for the purpose of making that person think about the bad or negative thing they're doing and won't stop until the person is either rethinking their originally negative position or is growing too negative for it to be rational to keep pressing and will try something else. In one it's a good intention, and with sarcasm it's this 'I need to get back at them and I don't care if it helps the situation or makes it worse' intention. And Dream is always the former.

Violent - The Dream that's always ready to get into a fight no matter what. Talking calmly? what's that?

Unsympathetic/Insensitive - this one is super easy to slip by the radar of a lot of people, so I often get people who ask me why I don't like certain ways people write Dream and it's usually because of this. This is him not understanding or sympathizing with someone else's situation even if it differs from his own, mainly for harmless things. People not wanting to do something because they're uncomfortable and Dream being written as trying to get them to do it to the point they get upset. A negative or toxic stubbornness, so to speak. Which really sucks because Dream is one of the sweetest most sensitive character I've seen and it gets rid of all that nuance.

Egotistical - :( I really don't like this one. It's your typical, I'm better than you, (usually toward Nightmare). It makes me sad. Combine unsympathetic and egotistical together and you get the jerk Dream that hates negativity and thinks negative people are bad.

Ableist - Hear me out, this isn't the same as people saying canon Dream is ableist for like, not being friends with Ink? (Wheeze). it's the type of Dream that purposefully targets someone's mental illnesses in cruel or unfair ways, usually Nightmare.

Neglectful - The Dream that says fuck protecting positivity lmao. And I need not say more.

Cowardly - The Dream that either won't own up to the problems he caused, pretends he never caused problems, and/or won't do anything to stop problems occuring.

Underhanded - the type of Dream that won't talk shit to someone's face but will make either subtly or blatantly mean comments about them behind their back.

Stupid - The type of Dream that makes decisions that will clearly cause the suffering of a lot of people for stupid reasons and/or the type of Dream that couldn't solve a 2x2 rubix cube and relies on everyone else to solve things for him because people think lack of knowledge = stupidity in the original. Which isn't true.

Selfish - The type of Dream that makes decisions that will clearly cause the suffering of other people for selfish or self absorbed reasons.

Controlling - I see this one so much and it hurts me. It's most likely due to people trying to make his desire to do good negative in this way, but directly conflicts with the fact it does no good if he becomes a toxic asshole with it. It's the type of Dream that won't let anyone do anything he doesn't deemed 100% positivity approved and becomes a toxic, controlling, manipulative asshole. Usually with a relationship bonus. ;')

Dense - Another negative stubbornness. A Dream that can't see when something's clearly making someone upset.

Overbearing - a branch of insensitive and stupid. the 'Everything is great! Isn't everything great! You're suffering? No! Everything is great and happy, be happy! I'm ALWAYS happy' Dream. Toxic positivity.

Irritable - The Dream that gets really angry at people for some reason? Normally because they're being negative or just not taking him seriously. This contends with Dream's canon in the sense that instead of getting angry he gets more sad/upset rather than some dry anger, and only when someone is being really cruel. I never like seeing a purely angry Dream. I'd rather him break down into tears, asking quietly why someone is doing this, instead of scream insults at them. Because we all know taking your anger out on someone helps solve problems and doesn't escalate situations.

Venegeful - The Dream that won't stop until the people who have wronged him or are doing wrong are either punished or dead. What's helping people be better, am I right?

Unforgiving - The Dream that never forgives people for wrongdoings and/or actively brings up past mistakes for no good reason, or just to get back at someone, usually to Nightmare. Often used as some moral superiority complex.

Smug - whenever he's right, he'll make sure you know it.

Overlycompetitive - the sore winner that wants to challenge people all the time, that'll rub it in their face when he's better. A subcategory of smug. This isn't to say canon Dream is never competitive, its just to say he isn't a dick about it.

I think a lot of people give them these traits because they think he's not 'flawed' enough. Like, they don't see to understand that 'good' traits can be flaws, or as we've seen here, think Dream's other good traits should be made into even more flaws, which directly conflict with his core morals and motivations.

I know a lot of people just write him like this for fun, and that's fine. I like Swap Dream by song-song-a actually, I think he's cool. There are a couple of exceptions where it's set up well enough that this isn't the Dream I know that I dont get fucking whiplash while reading. I'm not saying its wrong to write him like this, I'm just saying it's not enjoyable for me.

For the most part, it turns me away from the comic, or au, or am, almost instantly. I'm not interested in reading about Dream becomes an asshole edition 600. and it wouldn't be a problem for me if almost anyone wrote him well like every other character gets the liberty of.

Like, I also hate Chibi Blueberry but at least there's a ton of good Swap content out there so I'm not here talking about Chibi Blueberry lol.

Anyways, I'll probably add more traits if I think of any, so if you're trying to write Dream close to canon, you can use this as a what not to do post I guess. Otherwise enjoy my rant xD.

[melancholic-pigeon]

@firebirdofscythia tagged me in a thing and as I am incapable of being concise, I'm splitting it off lol

relationship status: polyalterous! I have two partners and we're all some form of aroace. They aren't together and have never actually met, since I haven't been able to work out travel arrangements, but they know about each other (obviously) and someday all three of us plus half of our collective friends are going to live together in a huge dilapidated Victorian mansion by the sea.

I consider myself, as my ex-boyfriend said when he was dating me and had just started dating his current boyfriend, polysaturated (i.e. I'm set and fulfilled with the two of them and am not looking). 

favorite color: I have no single favorite anything. I literally can't narrow down choices that much. 😂 It also depends a lot on context!

The warmest color I can get away with wearing is extremely aggressively bright daffodil yellow, but I'm currently making a scarf for a warm-toned friend in an absolutely beautiful shade of coral struck through with subtle notes of tangerine, and I cry a little over the fact that if I wear anything with even a hint of orange in it I look like a Victor Hugo character who's about to drop dead of consumption which means I can never ever wear coral 🥺 

I wear almost exclusively black and most of the things I own are in bi pride flag colors, aurora borealis colors, or colors that wouldn't be out of place at a black light rave. Generally, the bolder the color, the more I'm going to like it. 

three favorite foods: AUGH THE NARROWING THINGS DOWN AGAIN okay okay if I must: sushi, burgers and peaches. 

...I can't resist; my three favorite foods to make are cheesecake, corn chowder and my grandmother's recipe for chewy chocolate cookies (they're kinda like sugar cookies, but deeply densely chocolatey). I actually hate cheesecake, but my sister loves it and I love her and she doesn't let me say that very often because she's not super huge on ~*feelings*~ so I bake my emotions instead and it turns out cheesecake is REALLY FUN

Song(s) stuck in my head: Fantine's Death; I Wanna Dance With Somebody; Prelude: The Ballad of Sweeney Todd; On My Own; the Jurassic Park theme (Yes, this is completely normal for me, lmao)

Last song I listened to: Fantine's Death, apparently, which explains why it's stuck in my head! 

The last thing I googled: "gunmetal", because I couldn't remember if the name of the color was just gunmetal or gunmetal gray. ("gunmetal gray" is apparently a novel.) 

Time: IS MEANINGLESS

Dream Trip: I want to go to Kyoto with my dad. He's very passionate about karate— he's a black belt who used to teach part time at his dojo when he was in high school— and he's wanted to go like, forever, but he's never had the time or funds. I studied Japanese in school and used to be able to speak it at like an N3, but I've fallen far enough out of practice that I'm back to an N4, and I want to get back in an immersion setting and maybe have a chance to use some of it and also I very much wish to see a Takarazuka performance.

That or Ireland, since I am the only person in my family who hasn't gone yet. ☹

I'm bad at tagging for a variety of reasons, but if you want to do this, consider yourself tagged and ping me in your response! I wanna see. 

[paulxlahotee]

Sam, La Push, Paul, Embry, Denali, Harry (leahclearwaterdefensesquad) for the twilight ask game

Thank you for the ask!!! 🥺🥺🥺

Sam- (what is your dream career?) I’m really indecisive hahah but right now I’m toying with the idea of being a university professor and/or doing research and cataloging history about my tribe. (My parents want me to be a lawyer specializing in tribal law but lmao)

LaPush- (what is your favorite thing to do in the summer?) hmm where I live it’s really hot in the summer so I literally sleep all day and am awake all night. I bake a lot—cookies and cupcakes and stuff. However, I do love sitting in my backyard and eating watermelon, especially at dusk :)

Paul- (what do you love doing with your best friend?) I don’t really have one exact best friend, I have four incredibly incredibly close friends who I all consider to be my best friends lolol. we FaceTime every night bc of quarantine, but when it was normal we would usually sit in parks and eat food, or we’d go into the city and have fun walking around, or sometimes we’d just go to Walmart and hang out until like 3am

Embry- (what is something that always makes you laugh?) I laugh at literally everything and I have the most insane laugh, but something that kills me every single time I see it is this really weird over saturated and over filtered picture of one of my best friends and his family with “merry Christmas” on it in the Star Wars font. I cried the first time I saw it. I might post it if enough people badger me about it ajhdskhd

Denali- (what is most important to you in a relationship?) not being white AUDJJHDJSJSH I’m just kidding. Kinda. Umm I think culture is so important, and having a strong connection and bond to your culture and history is really important to me. And honestly just being accepting of other cultures and differences in them. Also I think humor is really important bc I like to laugh and I don’t like people that don’t

Harry- (what’s the scariest experience you’ve ever had?) omg so without getting into like actual scary trauma stuff and staying on a lighthearted note: I’m being haunted by Nicholas II the last Tsar of Russia. He tried to kill me lmao. That was a rough time. We’re on better terms now, though so that’s nice.

Sorry this is so long I am incapable of being casual and concise

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[outrotearbias]

@mccnhild tagged me in a few tags and 1) thank you!!! 2) since i’m apparently incapable of not talking abt myself on all platforms including what was meant to be a thirst blog for bts, but i haven’t actually like. said any concrete facts about myself lmao i figured i should actually talk about myself on here?? so this is a good opportunity to do that

uh well the first one is the bias selfie tag and everyone else might be cute enough to do that but i would honestly rather swallow a bee whole than directly compare myself to yoongi LIKE. i just. no. so i’ll just post a selfie. i almost never take pictures of myself so i really did not have much to choose from, ignore the janky lipstick and extremely yellow light lmao. i took these on the night that i went to go see burn the stage and YES i looked and felt extremely out of place #armysneedgothrepresentation

hate that these are so large but idk how to work tumblr despite having it since 2010

“get to know me” tag:

Nicknames/Pet names:  literally so boring lmfao, just em or emmy (although if you do call me emmy and you’re not a close family member i will be legally obliged to murder you). my grandma calls me milunia sometimes which is like a polish nickname for emily i think? that’s probably my only nickname that i actually like the sound of

Zodiac: this might get me killed for admitting this on tumblr dot com but i could literally care less about astrology. i’m a taurus but i don’t rly identify w it or care

Height: like 5′3.75 and yes i’m pretentious for not just saying 5′4 but that’s my truth

Last Movie: i literally never watch movies uhhh i think the last one was venom? i hate marvel movies normally but i will literally endure anything for tom hardy

Last Thing I Googled: "movies 2018″ bc i knew the last movie i watched was pretty recent but i couldn’t remember it lmfao

Favorite musician: radiohead, city and colour, alexisonfire, daughter, and this group that’s called bts i think??? 

Songs Stuck In My Head: desire by ateez, their new album BANGS and this song in particularly is so catchy 

Other Blogs: @thedalishelves is my main and @calebandnott is my semi/mostly-inactive critical role blog. i’ve had like a billion others but those are the ones that are (ostensibly) active

Do I Get Asks?: i used to a lot but all of the blogs i got a lot of asks on are either deleted or i don’t use them much anymore. i do kinda miss it sometimes but also now no one asks me to diagnose them or tells me their trauma in detail so it’s a toss up really

Dream Trip: i have a phobia of traveling lmfao so it’s more about who i’m with rather than the destination? like i don’t really care at all about seeing new places, more about just being with someone that i like away from daily life for a bit. that being said i do wanna go to paris before i die. also italy and poland to like. connect w my ancestry or w/e lmfao

Amount of Sleep: when i just let my body do its thing (which has been almost all the time lately as i don’t have classes any more and my job has irregular hours) i naturally sleep for abt 9-10 hours. and yes that’s a lot and YES it sucks

Lucky Number: i mean it’s not lucky but i have a Thing abt the number 3 in certain situations

What I’m Wearing: sweats and hoodie bc i’m at home and if u wear anything other than comfy clothes at home. i have nothing to say to u

Favorite food: don’t rly have one atm

Dream job: english professor!!! i’m nearly half way through my phd so. almost there! (if any jobs ever open up 💀💀💀 might get to fulfill this dream in about 40 years or so)

Play any instruments:  i used to play the piano and the baritone (lmfao) but i’ve long abandoned them

Languages: obvs english, EXTREMELY bad french that i can passably read, sort of write, almost completely cannot speak and definitely cannot understand. also i took a year of arabic during my undergrad but i only remember how to kind of read the alphabet. and i have a pretty sizable polish vocabulary (considering i don’t speak it) but absolutely do not know ANY grammar, so the best i could do is throwing random polish words into english sentences. so. basically just english and reading in french

Random fact: *vegan voice* HI I’M A VEGAN

15 questions tag:

Are You Named After Someone: yeah emily brontë bc my mom loved wuthering heights lmfao. in hindsight.. really indicative of how my life would turn out (both in the whole ‘i love reading and i’m doing an english phd’ thing and also the gothic tragic horror lmfao)

When was the last time you cried: yesterday about 461 times. sometimes it be like that

Do You Have Kids: yes one beautiful little tabby cat named faye, i adopted her in august and she’s 3 years old now and extremely annoying and also perfect

Do You Use Sarcasm A Lot: i used to a lot more but now i’m too paranoid abt people hating me and thinking i’m negative so i try not to

What’s the First Thing You Notice About Someone: if they’re a threat or not (either in the immediate physical sense, like seeing someone walking down the street towards me, or in the more complicated sense that i can’t be bothered getting into now and yes i’m aware this is a depressing answer)

Eye Color: dark green

Scary Movie or Happy Ending:  what a weird thing to juxtapose lmfao ig i’m a bit too much of a wimp to watch scary movies often so happy ending? i’m really not one to need happy endings in a movie/story though

Any Special Talents: I Cannot Stress Enough How Untalented I Am. anything that i’m good at is due to dedicating A LOT of time and practice to it.

Where Were You Born: toronto

Hobbies: video games are definitely my main hobby. other than like, listening to music and indulging in whatever obsession i currently have (like bts for instance) all i do is play video games. reading isn’t a hobby anymore, bc even though it occupies most of my time, it’s all for school

Pets: seems pretty redundant to ask about children and pets in one tag. but in addition to my own cat, my family also has a cat named chloe who is super gross but also i love her to death and i think she might actually be an angel. if you could not tell i am completely a cat person and plan on adopting 300

How Tall Are You: let’s go w the less pretentious answer of 5′4 this time even if it’s 0.25″ short of the truth

What Sports Do You Play/Have You Played: LMMMMAAAAOOOOOOOOOO DO I LOOK LIKE

Favorite Subject: i mean. english. obviously

Dream Job: since i already answered this let’s really get wild w the “dream” part of dream job. i would absolutely love to somehow become extremely rich through no work of my own, move to an isolated castle w a really big library, wifi, and like. idk an archery range and some stables w horses and a lot of cats and an incredibly hot gameskeeper that i have a passionate but somewhat detached love affair with. like i’m tryna live like a combination of enya and lady chatterley from lady chatterley’s lover except w/out the shitty husband and class critiques and soul-destroying ennui

HOO BOY i really wrote way too much huh. i’m too avoidant to tag ppl but if u read that whole mess i owe u my whole life thank u

[mono-red-menace]

need to work on admitting to myself that i'm just Some Girl and not applying my inflated black and white morality to myself like.

i'm just this horrible innately wretched being in my mind. if i'm happy and cute there must be some ulterior motive in my mind like i must be trying to do something bad. if i make someone mad, well of course i did im evil and bad i'm a monster of course i upset them! i cant do something perfect well of course i cant i'm a horrible monster to the core nothing i can be will be perfect because i'm horrible to the core.

but like.

in. in my mind.

is the thing.

all of these things are

in my mind.

when i'm happy and cute i'm just. happy and cute, i'm a person. just because i've been like. made to feel like my happiness is somehow predatory doesn't mean it. Is. i'm Some Girl. just A Person. not a monster.

and if i upset someone it's not because i Intended to harm them, it's not like im this Horrible Abusive Monster who Loooves to hurt people but tries to lie to itself that it Haaates hurting people because uh. fuck if i no. i'm just. a person with horrible self image issues instilled by a horrible childhood of constantly blaming herself for everything because of a father who constantly berated her and called her horrible things and made it seem like she was evil for just existing despite being a Literal Child. Just Some Girl. i'm just Some Girl.

and when i don't do things perfectly it's not because i'm incapable it's not because im a fraud it's not because all i know how to do is steal and distort and hurt. when i make something and it sucks or i fail at something or when i can't retain information it's not because of these things i've been made to believe. i'm just. Some Girl. i'm not some prodigy who is going to be the first person in our family to make something of themself and i'm not some wretched worthless fake, fools gold given to a family in need. i'm just. a Girl. who is allowed to make mistakes because i'm not a god and not a monster. just. a girl.

and dreaming constantly of a life i could live without taking the steps because i'm scared of messing it up because i see myself as a monster who is Undeserving of happiness, who will inevitably ruin it because it's in her nature, dreaming endlessly of being successful and loved, for people to look at her art and go "i like this!" even if it's just a few. because. like. how are you going to achieve that if all you do is dream it and cry? you're Some Girl.

every artist was just Some Boy or Some Girl. and even after they were famous, the fact remains. we're humans. everyone fails and everyone wins. and. i need to admit to myself that a reason i don't improve is because i'm unwilling to admit to myself that i'm. a person.

i'll probably never be everything i want to be, i'll probably never be there in front of hundreds of people, recorded for millions more, explaining my art and feeling the recognition i feel i deserve because why wouldn't i? after so long of being made to feel bad why can't i feel happy about that? you know? but like.

i'm. Some. Girl. who doesn't have the money and time to put into her joys. who is in constant pain, exhausted from work. suffering and just. scared to be anything less than perfect because anything less than perfect proves she's a monster to the words in her head drilled in there by others.

scared to turn into her father, scared she'll do to others what has been done to her. scared she only has capacity to bring harm, ignoring the times when she doesn't. scared of her failures but ignores her victories, feels any love shown to her is a mistake and any hate given to her is deserved.

and too scared to let go of being a monster because what would she have left then

yk?

anyways

this is dumb and melodramatic.

but that's me! :)

not a bad thing to be a little melodramatic when you're sad. as long as you don't throw it out there as a "woe is me i'm hopeless and bad and evil" like

i mean this is really bad writing i'm sad to admit but it's better me write my feelings in my goofy over-dramatic "i wish i was an artist" way but present them as Normal to myself. rather than just keep it inside myself and letting my negative voice take the reins.

sometimes i have to write it out and when i write something in that negative voice, either erase it and correct it directly, or correct it later on.

i always present any negative self thought as exactly that, Thought.

my intention might get lost a bit sometimes, but i try to write things like "i see myself as a monster" rather than "i am a monster," unless, through earlier context it can be assumed i only believe this and it's not true, though sometimes i leave the context in my mind

basically this is my silly way-too-verbose way of saying.

yeah i'm good i write my vents to work out the emotions and feel catharsis, i learned a Little bit from cbt and dbt lmao

[taxidermy-bat]

this is thus far thte worst fucking december. i got laid off my job, the job ive been pouring my heart and soul into to keep improving and getting better at. retail is fucking hard but i never imagined working in my dream store being this soul wrenching lmao? i would die for the store i work for and the staff bc its an amazing place but they laid me off for two weeks during christmas bc i make too many mistakes. im not mad at them, but i am. it was embarrassing. they let me walk into my shift with my branded hat and my fucking coffee like everything was normal and then they sent me out in a cab while i sobbed. laid off during christmas. i thought i was doing so well there, turns out im an inconvenience and nothing i do is enough. im  sure they had logical reasons to get rid of me for a bit but it furcking hurt. i keep replaying that afternoon in my head, its fucking haunting me. i cant sleep at all. my insomnia came back because of this. i keep replaying what happened in my head and i cant stand to be alone riht now but of course everyone is busy or has to workl. so im home alone with my thoughts. 

not to mention my brain picked this week and the past week of all times to have the worst art block ive had in a while. that probablt doesnt sound like it should be that agonizing btu i truly dont know who or what i am without my art to do. and thats the proble,m , ive been having such a big fucking identity crisis for the past two months that im paralyzed mentally. i cant do anything anymore without feeling like im lying to myself and everyone around me. cant think about my hair, my clothes, what i say or how i act, my art, i cant do anything. everything i do feels like a lie. a stupid, vicious lie that i keep changing every day just to get by. i cant just have no name and not exist to anyone. im sick of this body, of myself, im sick of my room. im sick of my art. im done being me, i dont even know who it is thats in the mirror when i look. i want so desperately to just fucking make sense to myself. i want so badly to feel like i know myself. i dont know a fucking thing about myself now more than ever. it doesnt matter how drastically i change my hair, nothing i can do makes me happy anymore. no change makes me feel anything. im incapable of doing anything else, all i can think about doing is self destructive acts to just make me feel SOMETHING for once. even if its pain or hate i just want to feel somethgin strongly so i know im not completely desensitized to everything the world has. im fuckign tired of feeling empty and dead because nothing i do moves me or makes me feel like they should. i buzzed my fucking hair all off this month.  i would have been happy if  it had made me horribly upset. it would have been somethign. but no, i just shrug at anything i do to myself. none of it is enough. theres nothing drastic enough  i could do to make my brain react. nothing is solid. im fucking nothing. i have nothing to my identity, im nothing. im replaceable. im tired of this existence. im sick of me. nothing is in my grasp. i cant stand it. i cant even make art about it. everything i make nowadays is mediocre to me, it makes me want to vomit. im disgusted by myself. i cant stand me. this is the only place i have to fuckin yyell about it. if anyone who read this far could just fucking shoot me or somethgin and let my life be replaced by someone else who will be better that would probably be best. 

[skygatecreations]

what up i was tagged by @kaitenkenburokuren

RULES: Answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions

not tagging that many ppl either.

not taggin no one because I pmuch know all of em pretty well and they all busy being awesome at life. but thank for the tag, these fun despite how smartass I sound.

under cut lmao <- same bro

1. Coke or pepsi? coke <-same

2. Disney or dreamworks? Disney has a higher hit vs. miss ratio with me, but Dworks got some good ones.

3. Coffee or tea? Coffee bro.

4. Books or movies? prolly movies. usually animated sh** that I use as ‘inspiring background noise’ and don’t actually watch a lot of the time.

5. Windows or mac? Windows cause it’s what I know best. Also I don’t tend to  like Apple’s monopoly-ish-ness.

6. DC or marvel? Marvel pm strictly because I like the movies. No clue on comics...Also ol X-men cartoon Storm was my homegirl as a youngling. I honestly think she might have subliminally created the thing I have for white hair lol

7. Xbox or playstation? Playstation cause that’s what fell into my lap.

8. Dragon age or mass effect? no.

9. Night owl or early riser? night owl <- same

10. Cards or chess? cards...but preferably neither because I’m uncannily terrible at non-video games...k actually pretty bad at vid games too but the nons...Jesus Christ 8/

11. Chocolate or vanilla? Are we talking ice cream because that kinda important op. like get yer sh** together...anyway if yes, then Chocolate.

12. Vans or converse? probably neither. not usually my look...also I’m picky as Hell.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar? ...what you just call me bro?

14. Fluff or angst? angst in certain doses. Also I’m picky even with that.

15. Beach or forest? both.

16. Dogs or cats? both

17. Clear skies or rain? both kinda - no like...that patchy sort of cloud+sun after it rains that makes the light look all awesome and sh**

18. Cooking or eating out? eating out, but if I learn to cook more it’ll probably be a harder call.

19. Spicy food or mild food? mostly mild. There if like, 1 at times very spicy food that hurts me but tastes freaking amazing lol but been trying some slightly spicer that my normal jam foods lately.

20. Halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? can’t decide. strangely apathetic at this...slightly concerned about myself now. thanks for the existential crisis, man. 

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? maybe a lil too hot tbh. just increase water intake and *thumbs up*. cause a lil too cold makes the migraines worse. like ‘difference between vom-ing or not’ worse.

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Flight bro.

23. Animation or live action? Animation. like good 2D Disney-ish stuff, not this eyesore bullsh** on CN these days.

24. Paragon or renegade? Apache attack Helicopter. idk.

25. Baths or showers? shower <- same...I like baths but I don’t have a plug for the tub so they don’t happen much...

26. Team cap or team ironman? shut up I haven’t seen that movie yet.

27. Fantasy or sci-fi? depends on the mood.

28. Do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so, what are they?

‘Fall seven times, Stand up eight’, ‘Don’t be afraid of dying, be afraid of not living’, ‘Fly as far into the crash as you can’ (or ‘drive’ if we talkin cars) ‘You panic, you die.’ ...idk, a lot of stuff I heard from people that are generally a lot braver and cooler than I am lol.

29. Youtube or netflix? Youtube. Can’t afford netflix. check yo privilege damn.

30. Harry potter or percy jackson? HP. not even close.

31. When do you feel accomplished? *bitter, empty laughter*

32. Star wars or star trek? Not a space opera fan but if I have to choose, Star Wars all the way. because it’s a little LESS space opera.

33. Paperback or hardback books? hardback but can’t say no to all the free classic ebooks that I’ve been finding. Bro. Read the Jungle Book(s). the REAL ones. That mess is epic. All movies made of it so far are SH** and it will anger you once you learn how sh** they really are.

34. Horror or rom-com? Rom-com if must choose. because I have an overactive imagination and I will have f-ed up dreams. My sleep pattern is sh** enough as it is lol...and yet I listen to a lot of ‘true scary story’ narrations...

35. TV shows or movies? tv shows because easy background noise

36. Favourite animal? MANY. Dogs, cats, horses, sharks...

37. Favourite genre of music? MANY. like...only criteria is “do I like it?’. notables are classic rock, epic soundtrack-y sh**, and I’m super hooked on synthwave right now...which basically means I like 80′s synth music...

38. Least favourite book? idk, if I dislike something that much I stop reading/don’t read. I guess Hunger Games series qualifies tho compared to everything I’ve read. Not a bad story, but I really...don’t like first-person perspective...so cringe. sooo shamelessly made for self-insert fantasies.

39. Favourite season? fall I guess.

40. Song that’s currently stuck in your head? toss up between Neo-tokyo and Running in the Night (totally freaking different vibes? told you I like a lot of sh**)

41. What kind of pyjama’s do you wear? usually-loose camisoles and soft pants/shorts, preferably of Jersey material. I dislike fuzzy ‘warm’ sh**. let the blankets do their damn job lol

42. How many existential crises do you have on an average day? my whole life is one big existential crisis.<- SAME BRO

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? Bruh that dark.

44. Favourite theme song to a TV show? tbh AS a theme song? ...probably Yuichi ikusawa’s WARRIORS from one of the Yugioh openings. Pretty damn epic. only up to a certain point of the full song tho (opening cut is fine). eventually he starts doing this weird actually laughable thing with his voice and ruins it.

45. Harry potter movies or books? Books. movies are good for book movies though.

46. You can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it? OTPs are great but I have friends on tumblr and some that I I’m having active interactions with and are expecting stuff from me. I sacrifice the OTP for my duties. *salutes*

47. Do you play an instrument and if so, what is it? *more bitter laughing*

48. What is the worst way to die? anything slow. Bonus bad points if you are alone and have time to think of your fam and friends and how your end will effect them...that got dark again. moving on :)

49. If you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do? idk man, maybe just go around looking for wild animals to hang out with without their knowledge...or the risk of being mauled. Or go places I’d never go by myself because ghetto-as-hell and just chill.

50. If you could have personally witnessed anything in history what would it be? The first hop of the Wright Flyer. Dawn of powered flight bitches. 

51. If you could understand animals but you could never understand humans again, would you? ...bruh. No. like I know a lot of people would think that would be cool and sh** but if you think ‘people just don’t get you’ now, imagine if you really were incapable of communication. like...sh** would suck. And you’d have to be a hermit somewhere with no money cause no/extremely limited livelihood options...is my adult showing? I feel like my adult is showing.

52. What is your most favourite album currently? I don’t really do albums. I pick and choose what I like.

53. What is your favourite TV show character? lots of them. usually the dudes with complex/’juicy’ backstories...which is pretty boring because a lot of people would probably say that. because those tend to be the most interesting.

54. What is something you were obsessed with as a child? doggies idk

55. Do you have any tattoos/piercings and if not would you like any? just single earlobe piercings.

56. Biggest pet peeves? hard to call. a lot of things annoy me lol. maybe people not taking responsibility for their own actions/bullsh**.

57. A place you’ve always wanted to visit? Close between Germany or Japan, I got family both places. Japan narrowly wins.

58. cheesecake or carrot cake? carrot cake if it good...and doesn’t have deer turds- I mean raisins. ...I think I got all of them? idk you see one I missed lemme know.

[drashleighreid]

not to be annoying as always about bringing this up but honestly being diagnosed with adhd has been like, so good and bad at the same time. its good because i notice a difference when im medicated, especially when my life isnt totally chaotic aka week 11, and its helped me a lot to become a functional human being and change certain behaviours. im definitely more on top of my day to day life like cleaniness and organisation and its been great for that. 

but also just like ?? acknowledging that its a part of me, and an undeniable truth is actually so hard? and this really is just a personal thing because im sure everyone experiences it differently. idk. but its just so hard because i’ve always been an extremely ambitious person, probably to a really unhealthy degree. i cant chill out, i cant accept mediocrity in myself or my life ive always had ridiculous goals for myself and feel like a failure if i dont do something really well. and its just ?? so unbelievably difficult to accept that i just? cant work to a certain standard without completely burning myself out. this sounds so defeatist, but its so hard to accept that i probably wont ever accomplish my dreams or be the person i want to be because im just not equipped to get there. 

i feel like all of my peers and everyone i know are out here juggling a full course load, a job, a social life, are dating people, have hobbies, etc. etc. and i just wish i could be like that !

 i read this thing about the symptoms of adhd in adult women recently and actually started crying because literally every single one of them is me. and i know ive been diagnosed for a few months and have known but like it hardly hits home what it actually means and it really did when i was reading about all of your peers overtaking you, ‘spending most of your time coping’, just ‘feeling assaulted’ by day to day life, ‘impossible to meet the demands of life,’  ‘ Have     you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by? ‘ Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them?’ ‘Do you start each day determined to get organized, and end each day feeling defeated?, ‘Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals? ‘ Are  you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives?,  Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you  notes or send birthday cards?,  Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor? Is all your time and energy taken up with coping, staying organized, and holding it together, with no time for fun or relaxation?’ 

theyre all SUCH a blatant attack on what the reality of my life is and its so shocking. 

im only taking 3 classes this semester and i can barely handle it and want to cry most of the time, i dont have a job, i dont have a social life, etc. etc. and i can barely handle life and am constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown lmao. and its just.. idk so hard to accept? that i just cant? handle things? i cant keep up conversations i cant have a schedule with doing work i cant maintain things and juggle things at all and in the industry im trying to go into im just a really undesirable candidate for doing anything because its all so much hard work and so much variable and you have to be extremely self motivated and im just not that and there are literal billions of people on this earth who are more equipped to. do things. than me. im never going to get there and trying to accept that without going off the deep end is actually really fucking hard because for my entire life my entire identity has been fixated on making something of myself and doing something phenomenal that affects change or impacts someone. or just. putting a lot of work into something,, just having a sense of accomplishment. and i just dont think im ever going to get there ?? and i dont know whether to keep fighting for it and stay this miserable at myself or to just work on my expectations because i really am just. mentally, pressed between two walls. no matter how hard i try im never going to have the mental capacity of other people so i just feel like im trapped in a box of yearning but incapability lmao. im never going to have friendships or relationships or make anything or do anything because im essentially ‘lazy’, even though i dont want to be and i try not to be. my brains just on fire at every moment of every day lmao and i dont know how to put it out.