#i am incapable of making a single decision ever

[verymuchablog42]

mutuals of tumblr, hear my plea!!

the friend group is doing a power point night and i have too many ideas to just pick one, someone please look at my list of ideas and weigh in 🫶🫶

[musical-chick-13]

Fandom be normal about bi women challenge (impossible. apparently.)

[silverraes]

10 BL Boys I Want Carnally

10 BL Boys That Make Me Feel Things™

(not sexual, not romantic but a secret third thing)

okay so I wasn't exactly tagged in this but I saw several people doing this and I'll take just about any excuse to scream about my favorite characters so I'm just going to very sneakily join in on this trend 👀

there is absolutely no ranking to these bc I couldn't rank them if I wanted to

(also I changed the name a little bc my ace ass is literally physically incapable of wanting anyone carnally but I still have lots of thoughts lmao)

1) Tharn (The Sign)

I mean. is literally anyone surprised that this is where we're starting?

he's the nicest person out there. he can kick your ass if he wants to. he lost his parents at a young age and is absolutely convinced that everyone he loves is doomed to die and he keeps seeing visions of people dying and he's told again and again that those he has wronged in a past life - which he doesn't even remember - are still out to get him and yet he has so much kindness left for the world??

also he can be such a little shit and knows exactly how to tease Phaya back I love him so goddamn much.

(also that mole-)

2) Kim (Kinnporsche)

was he also on my characters I'd hit with my car list? maybe. and what about it.

I love him so much. he's such a badass but he's such a loser. famous singer who falls for a fan he was supposed to be investigating but is too emotionally constipated to admit it. badass son of a mafia family who can kick ass but only if he wants to. who does it like him honestly

(it also helps that he's played by just about the prettiest man alive)

3) Babe (Pit Babe)

did I start watching this show ironically? yes. is every mention of alphas and mpreg and that mama/papa thing hitting me like a brick and causing me 9000 psychic damage every single time? also yes. did I absolutely fall in love with the show and just about every character in it? you bet your fucking ass I did.

but I especially love Babe. he's just so babygirl. special alpha man who has to act tough and strong but just wants to be babied by his dumbass loser (affectionate) alpha boyfriend. like, he's actually so goddamn soft?? I love him.

4) Guy (Bake Me Please)

I think we all knew this was coming. I was literally gushing about him for half of the episodes. Guy my beloved. that show did not deserve you.

he spends the entire show supporting his crush's every decision and trying to make sure he's okay literally how could you not love this man

(yes he was a petty bitch for like 5 minutes there but he immediately apologized for it the next episode. properly. unlike certain other people-)

5) Sprite (Twins)

he's so himbo coded. himbo of all himbos. the himboest. not a brain cell in that head. he's my little dumbass I love him.

he deserves so much better than what he's being put through. someone please just love and support him for who he is. and also take him away from that family

(please talk to your boyfriend tho I am begging)

6) Wei Wuxian (The Untamed)

MY BELOVED. I could write essays about him. he's such a great character I love him so fucking much. if you ever had to bear witness to me talking about him.. I am so sorry.

sassy emo bitch with a flute and a tragic backstory who's seen as evil by just about everyone but only ever had the best intentions. absolute fucking dumbass. kicks ass. always smiling despite the circumstances. loves his siblings so damn much. doomed by the narrative. what more could you possibly ask for

7) Zhou Zishu (Word of Honor)

I'm trying so damn hard to keep this list to one character per show and it really took me a while to decide if I wanted to include him or Wen Kexing but ultimately it was Zhou Zishu for me

just.. god. him. assassin sect leader just trying to retire who keeps getting dragged into the biggest bullshit but doesn't really mind bc the bullshit comes with a mysterious pretty man. also that whole god damn nail thing. I have so many thoughts and feelings about that but this post would get too long if I got started on those-

(also actually pulling the "I'm literally dying" card to get out of chores is so fucking valid of him. more characters should do that)

8) Milk (Choco Milk Shake)

he is quite fucking literally a reincarnated cat, of course I love him. I could list reasons for why I love him but it would be the exact same reasons just about every cat person on earth lists for why they love cats so. but here's a quick summary, just in case:

petty. dramatic. knocks over glasses. silently loves you so fucking much.

9) Tew (My Dear Gangster Oppa)

I really did not expect to love him this much? greenest of green flags (except for the plot line we shall not talk about). can and will kill people and is fine with it (seriously it is so refreshing to see a mafia character not having a huge moral dilemma about being in the mafia). both a badass mafia man and a gamer guy who doesn't know how to talk to people and is absolutely whipped for his gamer bf.

also scars make a person just about 110x more attractive I don't make the rules. even if the scars are weird and yellow, it's the thought that counts.

10) Tian (A Tale of Thousand Stars)

I? love him??

I just love how he sets out to do something for someone he didn't even know because he feels like this person deserves that much at least and how he ends up genuinely loving and caring for those kids and the village and this inner conflict he's having the entire time but hiding oh so well and how he actually calls out his parents on their rich people bs and-

tagging everyone who reads this far and wants to do it. seriously. I mean it. if you want to do this, please go ahead and say I tagged you. I love reading everyone's thoughts.

[windbreakes]

get to know the mun! repost, don’t reblog.

——— BASICS.

NICK NAME(S): nana, nams, namnams, nami, nimnuts, i have been amassing an army. i don't care what people choose and actively encourage nicknames!!

PRONOUNS: he/they/it, please alternate!

ZODIAC SIGN: sagittarius! fun fact my bday is the same as sako's :>

TAKEN OR SINGLE: shingle

ANYTHING ELSE?: i volunteer at a local apothecary and just grind up herbs every week...?

——— THREE SERIOUS FACTS.

i realized i had bpd because my roommate who got diagnosed started talking about her symptoms and it was like something clicked. i had an "oh, shit" moment and it's actually been really helpful in processing my emotions ever since!

i have early onset arthritis. ripe old age of twenty. and carpal tunnel probably

unsure what else i can put here... this is sort of basic but i'm a junior in uni right now and i really want to do a semester abroad and go to grad school. not in that order and unsure how financially that will play out but we'll see.

——— THREE RANDOM FACTS.

i have a dog named milk who is evil but i love her anyways; i also technically have a cat named beef who is the cutest cat in the world. i say "technically" because i don't live with my friend who owns him but i basically do. (beef is my godson)

i have the cilantro soap gene...?

i binged wind breaker in like a three days. i don't think a piece of media has affected me this much since haikyuu and that's saying something because haikyuu made me throw up

——— EXPERIENCE.

i've been rping for over a decade now i think...? i started really young (maybe not even 12 oops) on places like wattpad, skype, kik, google+, animal jam, etc. i don't really remember why i switched to tumblr rp but it was one of the best decisions of my life—— i've met so many of my close friends here!

that isn't to say i didn't have bad experiences though. oopsies

——— MUSE PREFERENCE.

LMFAOAOEWRIJAMSDFLDSFM I WRITE ANYONE AND EVERYONE IF YOU COULDN'T TELL. i rarely make single muse blogs—— the only time i really do so are for ocs—— and even if i make a single muse blog for a canon character, i guarantee you i write others from the same media somewhere. i am physically incapable of only writing one character.

i do think i generally go for muses who have bad home lives, who have several mental illnesses (either confirmed, coded, or projected), and most of the time kind of bad people. examples: endo yamato, sylvain jose gautier, childe tartaglia, among others. i look like a walking red flag and i'm so sorry about it.

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT.

FLUFF: i love fluff so so much! sometimes it's about the comfort and the happiness of it all... i'm always down for some feel good threads! however——

ANGST: —— i love to put my muses in situations. it is my favorite past time. call me a torturer the way i treat my muses because even though i love them they're always going through it cuz of me. i do love angst for angst's sake, but you will rarely see that from me because in the end i do need something to balance it out. it's always hurt and comfort with me!

SMUT: not on this blog, no, but i do write smut! i get embarrassed very easily though so it takes me a while to get to them. not my preference but if it happens, it happens.

——— PLOT / MEMES: i love love LOVE plotting!! i get so excited talking about how my muses would interact with others, it's why i may jump to respond to some things over others.

TAGGED BY: @cherriedrage !! thank you zag ♡ TAGGING: obligatory "if mari sparky and rain see this you have to do it" here; @prudenze; @taritsu; @timewounded; and anyone else who wants to!

[katyspersonal]

These are my personal thoughts on stuff that has been bothering me for almost a decade now. I kind of went from "It would be more merciful to do an abortion because my child would live in horrid if not dangerous conditions and be taken away for their own sake" to "Maybe they'd conclude that they love living even if they were dealt a losing hand and had only adversity. Even if they DO get taken away from a person financially incapable of caring for them and live as orphan. What if they will be happy to exist anyway? I can't make this decision for them. This is something person can only decide themselves and it is called "suicide", (but I'd still do everything I can to not allow that)".

I know I speak as though it is 100% guaranteed I'd be a single mother, and it is true. I can only possibly get pregnant..... against my will, to put it this way. And yet I am always scared that this "fate" will find me anyway. I am pretty sure fixations on potential threats is some type of paranoia. I've just riched the conclusion that I do not have enough ambitions and life itself to refuse being bound to someone. I just go to work, play videogames and obsess over my interests. Why I believed I'd seek abortion at all cost is because I could not care for a child when I am myself like a child. In every sense of this word but physical. But, again, if it became THAT bad, someone else would, then. I've just been thinking about the whole concept of not letting someone to exist "for their own sake" and I think I grew out of it? Sort of? Because losing misery means losing happy moments too, and someone might see them worthy to suffer for, no matter how rare they are. I can't just assume someone else will be as depressed about existing as me. Everyone is different.

The dumb part? I've came to this conclusion upon overanalyzing fucking Soulsborne videogames. I wish it was a joke, but I just have this neurodivergency that keeps me in permanent disconnect from "real" things and "real" people, and only through prism of special interests and characters things 'click' to me. It is like I am deaf, and fiction is my hearing aid. I still think it is so fucking funny that years of religion-based guilttripping, all these fake inspirational stories of struggling single mothers TV is filled with and having optimism hammered into my head by other mothers didn't change my mind on how having a baby is possibly the MOST cruel thing I could do all things considered. But then like, Melina yapped some sweet nonsense about not deciding for others that they'd rather not exist than suffer, and it sort of have been slowly growing ever since.

I also questioned whether this stuff got hard-coded into these games, but I don't think so? Miyazaki definitely loves motherhood but that's literally it. He just poured love for archetype into some characterizations, nothing more. It is more about how existence itself and its meaning is explored here. And how it clicked with what's been bothering me, because I am always scared that I am not safe from... that. Nobody with a working womb is, but I am fixated on this fear, as if this is doomed to happen. But the most dreadful part of it is kind of.. dissolving? Nothing could convince me I am strong and capable and not as stupid and helpless, no power in the world. But something could convince me someone would still love to live even with the trauma of having a mother so shit they had to be saved from her incompetence and helplessness

[bonefall]

i saw that ask about cannon ships chem and i realized that the bramble abusing squilf thing is kinda sorta pointed out. But its kinda in a heavily implied, if you squint and tilt your head you can see it kind of way. Like how in the newest arc, every time Bramble and squilf, mostly her, gets brought up, she is Miserable. She is the most depressed she's ever been and Night is constantly kinda going, huh she's in a bad mood again today too, maybe it was brambles fault. Something i noticed also is that i dont remember a single scene of her in the recent books where she wasnt tired and miserable, kinda reminds me of bluestar towards the end of her life but that phase was split between her and bramble.

I'm not holding my breath, but if ASC continues the quality of the past two books, and is actually doing set up that it is planning pay off for, I think this time we might actually get the narrative finally SAYING that Bramblestar is abusive

Because they’ve written Bramblestar making a perfect, textbook example of an abusive "set-up," a situation where Bramble makes a decision that Squirrelflight HAS to defy, so that he can shout at her for it when she inevitably does.

I keep having people show up in my replies to try to tell me, “Oh he has dementia and he doesn’t actually know what he’s doing,“ and... listen, if you really believe that a person with a well-documented abusive past is just accidentally falling backwards into setting up his wife so he can publicly humiliate her, both able to HATCH plans but also MENTALLY INCAPABLE of understanding the consequences, then maybe you are the one with dementia

He tells her not to bother WindClan over the vole. Clan politics means that Squilf needs to say something about it. He manipulates the truth out of Nightheart in an incredibly tense scene where Night is clearly uncomfortable. When Leafstar comes to talk about Tigerheartstar’s little “suggestion“ at the gathering, we get this exchange:

“Let’s see how it plays out.” Bramblestar looked at her steadily. “It’s not like Tigerstar is planning to invade RiverClan.” “Not yet,” Leafstar mewed darkly. “But I can’t help feeling that he was more than just running an idea past us, as you put it. I think he was preparing us, getting us used to his plan, so that when he does act, it will seem less shocking.” “You’re being paranoid,” Bramblestar told her. “Am I?” Leafstar looked at Squirrelflight, clearly expecting the ThunderClan deputy to back her up. But Squirrelflight looked away. “If Bramblestar thinks we should let it play out, then that’s what we’ll do.”

-Sky (page 303 in my PDF)

I cannot read this without immediately being reminded of Squirrelflight’s Hope. This is the EXACT thing that Bramble abused her about for that entire super edition-- the feeling that she ‘wasn’t backing him up’ and taking the side of Leafstar and the Sisters.

He’s upset. He’s mad that when Leafstar leaves, Squirrelflight is angry with him over what he said to her, he’s still thinking about that vole, and so. He gets Nightheart to go spy on ShadowClan... to ‘prove‘ that Tigerheartstar isn’t planning anything.

His extremely reckless grandson, the one who threw himself in front of a hawk, the one who’s desperate to please Bramble. He picks him to go spy when he was the one arguing that Tigerheartstar is totally innocent and they shouldn’t be suspicious of him, preventing anyone else who’s more capable from taking action. When Squirrelflight finds out about this, she tells Nightheart that she completely forbids it, OBVIOUSLY, because this is an awful idea!!

So we could say that the writer here completely didn’t intend any of it and is just so bad at writing that they portrayed literally the opposite (bramble bad) of what they intended (bramble good and noble), but... I’m choosing to give this arc my goodwill for now.

So here’s to hoping this arc ends with an actual Bramble callout

[medeina-physis]

The human instinct to dehumanize

A warning to all of the insidious nature of bigotry and its path beginning with dehumanization

Now, I’m sure nearly all people have come across bigotry or discrimination of some form in their lives. Regardless of group, class, identity, or race, all have seen and experienced this facet of the human experience in some way or another. My question to you is: Do you think you are above it?

Let us see. Do you consider Terfs, for example, to be human? Probably. Have you ever said that TERFS are brainless, dumb, have but a single brain cell, or something else of a similar vain? I’d bet the answer is yes. If not, there is probably another group you can think of that you have. When you said or thought this, did you think this to be a fact? Did you feel that your statement could be applied to all who exist under that label. If I told you that it is perfectly possible for a TERF or similar to be an otherwise stand-up member of their society that regularly helps at homeless shelters or volunteers at an orphanage, would you be able to believe me?

See, there comes a point when we make sweeping generalizations of a group, any group, where we can either take these generalizations to be true, even subconsciously, or we can actively remind ourselves that they are inherently false. The fact of the matter is, we as a species have, to my knowledge, never uncovered any fundamental truths. All human knowledge, regardless of apparent complexity or simplicity, is inherently a model we have constructed atop the natural world. And a model, by its nature, is an imperfect reflection of reality. A reasonably good example is the hydrodynamics model of electricity. In it, we pretend that wires are pipes that electricity flows through, and we use this analogy to calculate the pressure and velocity of flow in certain areas, as well as other things. In any case, this model is just that, a model. It is wrong. Electricity does not flow through wires. It flows in the electromagnetic waves surrounding the wire, and are guided by the wires in a process I am not educated enough to attempt to explain. 

The point above is this, anytime you put a label on a group, be it that politicians are greedy, CEOs are monsters, Americans love cars, children aren’t responsible, young people are inexperienced, etc. you are ultimately creating a sweeping generalization that is wrong. Does this mean that such generalizations should not be used? Not necessarily. Generalizations, or models if that helps, can be useful as a means to help wrap your head around a concept. This is true both in STEM and with people. The important part is remembering that it is a generalization, a model, and that it is, inherently, flawed.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have been known to call republics morons or inhuman monsters both in my own mind and aloud. But the key is that I will then follow it up with a recognition that they are humans, they can changed, and that there are systems at play that I may not understand that lead them to make the decisions and statements that they do. I can still vehemently disagree with their policy, but I understand that they are humans, if heavily misguided. This is critical as it allows me flexibility if/when I run into someone in real life that holds an opinion that I would otherwise hold to be inhuman. For those of you reading, that person could be a parent or friend who, after you come out, turns out to be a TERF. All before then, they had been a good person, but this one thing is making them completely disassociate from you. If you try to deal with this with the assumption that, as a TERF, they are somehow naturally mentally deficient and thus incapable of understanding rational thought, then you will never be able to repair your relationship. If you instead recognize that they are a real human who can change, then you can talk to them and figure out what things in their lives have led to them coming to the false conclusion that you are some degenerate monster.

I suppose to sum up, be careful how you try to compartmentalize the actions of those you don’t understand, particularly for people whose actions are hurtful or dehumanizing. I’m not saying not to assign the labels, I am more than aware of how helpful they can be to cope with a stressful situation, I am saying to add a little sticky note to the wall you raise in your mind to remind you that, while useful, the wall is but a veneer, a helpful lie to get you through difficult times, but a lie all the same. This should allow you to, if not entirely transcend bigotry, at least be far more ready to accept when you’ve fallen into it, and then subsequently escape it. The worst thing you can do to yourself is convince yourself that you know the absolute truth about anything. There will always be something you don’t know, and that is okay.

And to be clear, the second you lose sight of this idea, and fall into believing that some group is truly described by the label you gave them, you have become bigoted. You have become the very thing you claim to despise. You have become the problem. Don’t allow yourself to do this. There is no group of humans on earth, no matter how they may appear, who are anything less than human. Everyone, I mean everyone, is worthy of compassion and respect in so far as, at the very least, the bare minimum acceptance that their feelings are real, and their needs are real. This may make you feel uncomfortable, this may make you feel icky, but it is nonetheless the right thing. Because the second you refuse to listen, the second you believe yourself a better authority on a person than the person themself, you have practiced discrimination. Do not invalidate another person’s experiences, they are every bit as real as yours.

So I ask you, do you truly believe that you are above bigotry? Are there any groups that you jump to conclusions about before hearing their side of the story? Are there any groups that you assign personality traits to with complete disregard for their individuality? Please consider these questions deeply, and reflect.

Tldr: Discrimination is the result of blanket generalizations of a group without recognizing the inherent lie in such generalizations. Generalizations such as those are dehumanizing, and the core of what allows for bigotry. Reflect and consider, are you secretly a bigot? If so, rise above it—become better!

[felix-the-lemon-king]

Omg duo bingo for YOU!!! Lilia and each of his three beloved dorm sons,, that’s already three duos LOL but also. Malleus and silver.. and UMM let’s throw Kalim and ruggie duo in here just to mix it up LOL

Oh dear. Oh god. Well lets get started BDHJSKSHDJDHJSJSBDJJDJ

HELL YEA FOREVER I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are the father and son duo forever to me. I don't know what it is about it but I have NEVER been all that interested in parent & child dynamics in different shows and stuff? Maybe because it tends to fall very quickly into strict tropes that the characters predictably follow without breaking out of them much 🤔 like even with spyxfamily there are long portions of the fanily dynamic specific stuff that I just find myself getting tired and looking away from. I am always just waiting for content on Everyone Having To Hide Their True Identity From Each Other LOL that stuff makes it super fun and enjoyable to follow even with the bits I'm not very into 😌 but with Lilia and Silver omg has anyone ever done it like them???? What is going on. I love them. Has there ever been a teenage son who not only loves their dad So Much but will talk at length, a little obsessively, about how cool he is and all the adventures he has gone on and how proud he is to be his son and So On And So Forth. Like he talks about Lilia SO OFTEN everyone on campus has heard about Silver's cool dad at this point. And Lilia himself is such a weird creature, you cannot throw him into any trope and expect him to behave and follow it in a predictable way. Do I even have to explain myself. Look at him. And I have not even MENTIONED the stuff we're getting into in book 7 like spoilers start now I have ALWAYS thought that Lilia seems weirdly reserved about his affection for Silver compared to how Silver shows his affection and I am VINDICATED that it is being thoroughly addressed. Silver LOVES HIS DAD SO MUCH his heart is full of love and he is STUFFED WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!! Halloween part 2 haunts me forever and the fairy gala if event and all of silver's vignettes and his voice lines and the MELTDOWN he has first realizing that he could one day never see his father again and then realizing that he's the son of his father's enemy and his father must have had such a hard time looking at him the same way he looks back I'm so I'm so Im leave me be leave me to my trenches I cannot handle it silver is so full of love. And yet Lilia has thought for so long thay he is incapable of love. Oh my DAYS. I am waiting with the biggest eyes ever for more unraveling of Lilia's psyche in the next update. I could keep going forever and ever but YOU GET IT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

I am SCARED malmal you're SCARING ME!!!!!!!!!!! Silver is full of the most love forever for Lilia and yet it would appear IN COMES MALLEUS WITH A STEEL CHAIR. Malleus is also full of love and he is NOT taking it well. I'm so excited to see his mind unravel as well 👀

Something absurd is always happening between these two, they're so silly 😌 love that Sebek literally has his own parents and they are nice parents and they love each other and they love him and it is a very nice situation to be in but alas. Sebek has decided to fuck off into the woods and become parented by Lilia instead LOL I've read several fics now where he is super jealous that Silver gets to have coolest guy alive Lilia to be his dad and I think that's a funny dynamic 😌 also Lilia gaslighting Sebek into making horrible decisions is RIDICULOUS every single time and it is the reason why I have only circled They Can Make Each Other Worse bxbsjsnsnsbjsBDHDBJSJSB

I have not skipped anyone from the order that you gave me the duos, what are you talking about. Anyway. THESE TWO ARE FUN!!!!!!!! Kalim is so excited to give gifts and food and money and Ruggie is so down to receive gifts and food and money but ALAS Ruggie cannot stand his good boy behavior 😔 the sugar daddy and sugar baby dynamic was inches away LOL I just think they are goofy 😌 I could also see Ruggie taking it into his own hands to make Kalim see the world for what it is & the POTENTIAL for a very tiana & prince naveen dynamic. I loved the princess and the frog a lot and their dynamic was my favorite part of it so I would like that for kalim and ruggie a bunch 😌

Ummmmmmmm........... I am so sorry for this. Avert your eyes 🙈

SO...... Saved this one for last because As You Can See I Am Swinging The Bat At The Wasp Nest. I actually have an absurd amount of ships in twisted wonderland and I think most of the ones I REALLY like are pretty unsavory ones 🙈 I'm selective about the people I talk to about what ships because I get it!!!!!!!!! Some ships are not for everyone and that's great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just like it when horrible things happen!!!!! I've seen a lot of hate for it mostly because people see them as siblings and I get that!!!! I enjoy that interpretation as well sometimes!!!!!!!!! But that is not the only way that people can interpret their dynamic and I have also chosen other ways to interpret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if that aspect alone makes it much worse from how I interpret them actually xbbdjdjndbxbxjekndbx this ship is one that I just could not go up on stand for and say that I do not ship. I am unfortunately deranged about it 😔 I have been chin deep in this swamp since before the beginning. I have been in the wattpad circles for maleficent/aurora since I knew what a fanfic was. This was never going to go any other way and I have no defenses for myself. I can just show you images of them and say I am an enjoyer TO A FAULT. They gave me a sweet innocent character with white hair and a bright theme and a heart full of love and then they gave me a mysterious and dastardly character with black hair and a dark theme and a heart full of evil and I just don't know I had to take the shot I have been in the trenches from the start 😔 their showdown where Silver begged Malleus to come to his senses and Malleus said he would not give even Silver mercy if he kept defying him was very thrilling and I am excited to see more of the tension between them that's all also I like that they have coffee in the morning together that's all that's everything I have to say I'm getting off the stand now

[cassynite]

thinkin about the shitty character archetypes im always making for my characters, ramble under cut

It always comes back to familial grief and loss i think

Sparrow of course ends up hurt and betrayed by everyone she loves until Daeran. Evaethi's upbringing makes her fundamentally incapable of seeing Sparrow as a real person and not just, like, a beloved pet/companion. Crow's worldview means that, even though Sparrow is the closest he has ever come to loving another individual, he will never truly understand why his presence is needed/wanted in her life and will ultimately always choose his work/vision over her just like their parents did

Vonzi is THE BURDEN on her family, she is literally why they ran away from their childhood home (as shitty as it was) and why they never had any stability or safety while growing up, and her mother always makes sure she knows it. No matter the timeline or circumstances Vonzi will always eventually choose to leave her family one way or another because even if the only person you can rely on is another Voness, Vonzi comes to the conclusion that her family cannot move on until or unless she's gone--either dead saving their lives or just walking away. Her sister tried to walk away and couldn't; maybe none of them can while she's there. And it is, bar none, the worst thing she will ever do to her sisters, and in some ways they will never forgive her for it and the family never recovers even if Vonzi comes back to them.

Ophenia has deliberately removed herself from life's narrative--she sets herself up as the writer, the storyteller, the speaker of other's ideas, shamelessly stealing stories from the real life people around her in an effort not to engage with any of it on a personal level because real connections die and rot while she lives on, but books make people live forever. The first story she ever wrote cast her dying wife as the protagonist and it's the only way she knows how to cope with the fact that she will outlive basically everyone she ever knows by Quite Some Time!

Even like my DA OCs....Dannia Tabris methodically destroys any chance for personal happiness ostensibly out of duty and a need to create the Optimal Outcome according to her visions, but really it's because she will always consider herself responsible for her mother's death and the misery her family lives in because her powers mean she should have prevented it all and didn't.

Phaedre Lavellan is just Sparrow in a different font, literally--she has an older brother she idolized and adored, who dies when she is young and utterly destroys her. It's very explicitly her fault that he dies--she was trying to prove she was adult enough to go on the hunt to get her vallaslin, bites off more than she can chew, and Ghandriel dies saving her life--and it leaves her calcified as a child, terrified of making decisions or striking out because what if it happens again? What if her carelessness hurts someone else?

Idk idk idk. I don't even want to go into original story OCs and how they fuck up their narratives but like. Dead parents, dead siblings, the need to live up to memories left behind or reject what came before, slowly destroying themselves because they can't process what they lost. It's like in every single one of them, I am legit trying to find a SINGLE oc I've made in my entire life who wasn't horribly changed by their family....

[caelumsnuff]

i want to hear your recent opinions ^O^

Thank you for soliciting my opinions lol

So! With the resurrection of the whole “making characters a certain race” discussion, I have had So Many Opinions about the entire situation.

I feel like a significant amount of people from both sides have come at the discussion in bad faith and that’s only caused more tension and halted any meaningful dialogue we could have been having from this whole thing. On one hand we have people who are rightfully suspicious about the entirety of someone’s cast being white/seemingly only making characters poc when they fit stereotypes associated with those races, and on the other hand we have people who did such a thing and refuse to analyze their own mannerisms.

To be very very clear: we are correct to be suspicious when white people do these things!!! But i think where many go wrong is walking into discussions having already let their suspicions turn into assumptions; if you show up to a discussion already having made up your mind about someone, you’re never going to get anywhere! You cannot have productive discussions whilst attacking another person for being racist when you don’t even know if they are actually a racist, they’re only ever going to go on the defensive. And you know, when you think someone may have a little bit of implicit bias, you want to actually get them to analyze and deconstruct those biases, not immediately get defensive and shut down criticism because they feel attacked.

And also, i think it's ridiculous that almost every single white person has just automatically ignored why we may be uncomfortable with a cast suspiciously missing any people of color, or only making characters of color when they seem to fit into stereotypes. They ask "why?" and then disregard any of our explanations. I understand when someone comes and accuses you of something you can end up feeling attacked, but as an adult it's your responsibility to 1) assess whether you're actually being attacked and if you're not, 2) whether or not their assumptions are true. If you want to be an anti-racist person, you should actually be analyzing the things you do that might be born of implicit bias instead of going "nope! not racist! therefore i am incapable of doing something racist!" because thats just blatantly false.

Theres so many reasons that someone could have made every character played by Erik white, the easiest of which being that Erik's white. People associate voices with faces sometimes, and we all know what that white guy looks like, his face is everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if some people cannot imagine characters Erik voices as looking drastically different than him. The appearance of his characters are supposed to be for you to decide. I can imagine that for some people not being give a face to associate with a certain character they just automatically see Erik or someone who looks similarly.

I also find the idea of looking for representation from random artists in the fandom pretty iffy, especially when its from characters that are all voiced by a single white boy. Please please please, go find and support VAs and ASMRists who are actually POC instead of relying on fan-artists and a single white boy for representation.

All in all just.... treat each other kindly and with grace, do some introspection on your own subconscious actions and decisions, and stop spitting straight vitriol at one another because of something in a fucking boyfriend roleplay asmr fandom. Give others the benefit of the doubt, and give yourself the chance to grow and unlearn some things growing up in a racist society may have taught you.

[iamn00nes]

PLEASE READ!!!

Guys I really need some advice.. so for the past let’s say like 4-5 months I’ve been feeling SO shitty, that shitty that I can not even find the right words to describe how much. So, for those who don’t know (which is everyone lol), I’ve been in recovery since last December. My first collapse was in June or July (I don’t remember), and ever since I’ve been just going up and down like on a roll-coaster. At first, I had only slight collapses, like missing out meals or purposely eating just less in general, but with time it got only worse. Somewhere around August, my bulimia kicked in for the first time in eight months (I’ve struggled w both anorexia&bulimia, just so yk), and ever since I wasn’t able to stop. Then September till November, I’ve had collapses pretty much every second or third day, constantly battling with my own mind and whether I should keep pushing myself or give up. For the past month or so, it’s been the worst. Because I missed my period the last month, this month it came three times stronger, making me pass out so easily that I could barely even get up to get a water or changes into different clothes. My hair loss has never been worse, and my skin is so scarred from my acne that it’s almost painful to even lay down. I started to bruise so easily too, and my body lacks of so many vitamins that my nails and lips are almost constantly blue/purple. My scoliosis got so bad that I literally can not find a single position that I’ve been comfortable sleeping in, thanks to which I haven’t been able to sleep for the past couple of weeks. My insomnia got so bad that not even pills help on the headaches that the lack of sleep causes me, which also caused me missing many hours of school, and even when I’m there, I can barely focus on anything else but sleep. I’ve been visiting a therapist for the past year and few months, but it didn’t help. I’m incapable of open up about it. The only person who knows something bit more than just that I “struggle with food” is my step-mom, and there hasn’t been a single day that I wouldn’t regret that decision, because not only that I feel like a complete wrack, both physically and mentally, but now also emotionally. I feel so disgusted with myself and I can not even describe how scared I am for myself, because all it takes for me is one tiny sign and she could tell everyone. I’m not ready to give up on myself yet, I really want to try and get out of it somehow, but at the same time, I feel so done with trying. I’ve been battling both ana&mia for half a decade now, and it just feels like it’s never going to stop for me, no matter how hard I try. Now I’m not asking for y’all to convince me about one thing or the other, that’s my decision to make anyway, but I just simply want to know how you guys deal with this sort of a never ending cycle, and how do y’all manage not to go completely nuts..

[stitchthesewounds]

Stitch and I got a boba tea slush today.

We are having a bad day. Anxiety through the roof, hopelessness blanketing every inch of breathable space, I don't know what to do anymore. Two months of job searching, of selling my possessions, of doing odd jobs and taking commissions for my barely acceptable "art," doing everything I can to take care of my bills all while battling severe depression and anxiety, only to end up barely passing the test and working a mere three days before making a critical mistake and getting let go... I can't help but feel like it was fate. I feel like I was never meant to make it in this world, like I'm a loser and always will be, like there is something fundamentally wrong with me that can never be made up for or changed, and that I am helpless against invisible forces who have already decided the course of my life to be a cruel and pathetic one. I've never been good enough. I will never be good enough.

The weight of my responsibilities crushes me now. It's too late, I won't find another job in time, I don't know what else to sell or what else to do, I fear I won't make my rent or anything else. So what do I do? Spend money. Spend money on boba. Because I'm a pathetic mess that can't sort out her priorities and can't make the right decisions. Sometimes I feel so incapable, so inadequate, of handling any adult responsibilities. I feel like a child in an adults body. Like I'm not ready for the world. I want to run and hide from it. I tell myself it's an act of self care, to take my mind off the stress of what's happened, to make myself feel better in order to do what I need to do next, but I can't help but judge myself for it, and wonder if it's just an excuse to overconsume and feed my ED.

I know that I need to start over... again... start the lengthy, anxiety-inducing process of putting in 20+ applications a day again, of fearing the interviews and presenting myself as confident and capable when I am anything but again, of stressing about finding the right clothes to wear when I've outgrown everything, of feeling more hopeless and more stressed with every day that passes as unemployed...

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by it all. So many steps, so many days, so many emotions I can't handle. I feel like i can't handle anything at all, and I'm shutting down. It's too much, I'll never get through it, I'll never make it anywhere, I can't. Pathetic excuses, I know. It's just so much and I don't know how to deal with it.

I don't see any hope. Not like I ever did in the first place. Fear for survival, for consequences, drove me. I honestly don't know how I even did as much as I did before this, I don't know how I put in so many applications and did those handful of interviews and made it through while being so depressed and hating myself so much, and I don't think I can do it again. I can't see any sort of future or any hope at all that things will get better. How can I keep going, how can I plan for my bills or for getting a job, when I don't even see as far as the end of the day? I don't see any way out, any way up, only down, and I don't want that.

Stitch gave me a big hug when I got the call and he hasn't let go of me all day. I don't want to disappoint him, i can't. I need to be better than this. I have to be. I need to be flawless or I won't get hired. I need to be flawless or I won't deserve to exist. And I am only riddled with flaws, and they just grow as my waistline does every single day. I am a truly disgusting being.

I don't know what to do. I sat on the couch in tears for awhile, paralyzed by the overwhelming amount of adult tasks that squeeze my throat l, and the only thing that got me up was the thought of boba. Like a true fatass, I dragged my mascara-streaked face and my best friend to the tea shop for some sugar, left so as to not be observed my judgemental eyes, and sit on the couch at my emotionally abusive fathers house, pondering the reason for my existence and whether I need to exist at all.

Why am I the way that I am? Why doesn't anything work the way that it should, the way everyone tells you it does when you're a child? Why does everything i feel come all at once or not at all? Why does it feel like I'm not actually living at all? Why does true happiness not exist in the real world? Will anything ever be enough?

I don't know what Stitch would say to me right now. I don't know if I want him to encourage or to berate me. I wish I could say something positive and uplifting, something that makes it sound like I'm winning the recovery game and am on my way to a better life, but it's just not here in the cards today. I'm crushed. I feel hopeless. Nothing makes it better. Stitch being in my arms is the only thing I want to feel

[supercooldiary]

i hate myself

i hate how i constantly preach positivity like i’m capable of optimism. i hate how i push everyone away. i hate how i treat every single argument like a screaming contest. i hate the fact that if i wasn’t in this body i would hate it all the same. i hate how no matter how hard i try to be a better version of myself i stay the same. every time i try to take a step forward i fall and it makes me sick. i fall and fall until my face is bruised and bloody and i’ll keep falling because the scars mean nothing to me and i will never learn. i’m incapable of understanding other people feelings except my own until everyone hates me. i will never understand consequences except for the feeling of hatred i have for myself when i do something wrong. i hate how stupid i am. how i can’t make friends. how no one will ever be capable of loving me. i am just a wretched soul in a hideous body and i try to mask it with my self love that isn’t even real. i wish i could apologize to everyone i’ve ever met because i know every time i open my mouth they wish for nothing to come out. but i know what comes out. vomit of unfunny jokes and screams of hatred for everything around me. i don’t know how to stop myself from pushing people away and i don’t think i’m capable of change. lately i feel like such a stranger. my mind just fills with every wrong decision i’ve made and how it’s shaped me. not just emotionally. i’ve lost almost all curvature my body ever had. my body and my brain have nothing in them that could make anyone want to be near me. even now, all i do is self pity myself instead of actually getting better. i’m tired of being full of hate but it’s all i’ve ever been full of.

[girltomboy]

MY bf apparently cannot take any paid leave yet because he's been at his workplace for less than 6 months, which means our vacation is under a big question mark this year...... well, HIS vacation, because I'm not really about to have been working a year without a vacation, sorry.......sooo sorry not sorry though 🤪 though I am afraid to vacation alone. I don't think my country is very solo-trip friendly, especially when you're a woman. But I can't afford to go elsewhere, and it would be last minute planning anyway. It drives me NUTS that this is just. Normal. Like, having to work 6+ months at a workplace before the employer decides you deserve to have some time off. He works 14 hours shifts for 2 days every 2 days too, so he doesn't even have legal holidays or weekends off AND isn't EVEN allowed to SIT DOWN!! That's just fucking insane sorry I can't fault the employees for putting up with this cause everyone's gotta eat but just the principle like just the mere simple fact that this happens and no one bats an eye. Is making me rabid. Vacation plans ruined aside. And my best friend is in the same situation of not being able to go on holiday except she's been working at her desk job for like 2 years. It's even more infuriating that her employer decided she should take all of her days off in December last year. Like imagine your employer deciding when you take your vacation?? I'd shit in my chair and leave.

Anyway topic change: lately I've been going crazy over Fia, like I can't stop thinking about her all the time, and especially wondering how she's doing, how life has been treating her. I feel it's kind of unhealthy and like borderline a creepy obsession that only I know about, but I don't want to let go of her, the memory of her is such a mental crutch to me. I realized Saturn transited her Moon maybe a couple weeks or so back, and I pulled a card for the very broad and general question "How is she?". And the card was The Tower 😭 and ik the Tower isn't always automatically bad or dangerous, but it has potential to be, and anyway it represents change and upheaval and I got a bit sad/scared for her. I just hope she has a good and full support system, regardless of whatever has been going on, good or bad. I always wonder this, trying to picture her surrounded by people who love her and care about her, trying to picture her receiving that love and care. I think it's hard to picture her giving it back because I've never seen her do that, but it's easy to picture the former because I loved her for so long. Sometimes I idealize her to such an extent that it feels surreal for such a human to exist on earth, she turns fragile and tender in my vision, like a single touch would hurt her, and the urge to protect her grows even more intense, and brings with it the frustration of being incapable of doing so. It's bizarre, this has happened with almost all of my obsessions over time. I think she's my longest lasting one. OH and I was also thinking about her like fear? Of being the subject of gossip, or being talked about in Facebook groups of students and such. I do have a memory of her asking something like that, and even though she was reassured she still seemed so anxious about it. Probably why she stays off social media. And yet it was her coworker who was overheard gossiping about her irl... by my friend, who said he called her crazy. 😑 Idk, just some thoughts that kind of add to my theory of her being a Gemini rising with Pisces moon in the 10th house. I've also been watching Breaking Bad with my bf (we finished it yesterday!! He loved it and so did I, rewatching it as an adult has been such a good decision and so wild. It really is one of the best TV shows ever made) and Bryan Cranston's mannerisms, facial expressions, gestures (ofc not limited to his Breaking Bad role, I was also noticing this in Malcolm in the Middle) are so similar to hers I almost thought my bf would recognize some of them, and his "exposure" to Fia was much shorter-lived than mine, and through a screen. And he's a Gemini rising!

[rediscoveryproject]

#3 -- 2002 (21 years old)

I have yet to finish a single thing I have ever started, except school. I have so many ideas in rapid-fire succession, a short attention span, rattly nerves that make it hard for me to stand still - and last, but not least, a horrible memory when it comes to anything real and tangible in my life.

Someone once asked me what my first memory was and I am just about incapable of coming up with it to this day. I know it's there, like a treasure buried beneath the sand. I somtimes thing I can see a tiny "X" far off in the distance - my shovel in hand - ready to dig for it. I run, but as I get up to it, it's gone, and I'm lost - hating myself for not bringing along that metal detector.

My true recollection capabilities bring me back to about age 9. That year and a couple that followed were fairly tumultuous for a pre-teen, and I still have trouble. It's just flashes mostly. Of the bad things, primarily. Why is that? I thought people remember the good things first & foremost, no matter how bad the situation actually was.

I remember being asleep in my grandparents' bed, and then feeling my mother's beautiful fingers running through my hair as she talked to her mother. I'm lying in between them, face smashed into the pillow as usual. I was in between asleep and pretending to be asleep and heard them talking about my father. She's decided to file for divorce. I feel like my heart has stopped beating, I can't feel my fingers or toes, I hold my breath.

I know (deep down) that this is the right decision for her to make - a little part of me wonders why she waited so long to come to this conclusion. Another part of me feels guilty that the reason is probably me. She has sacrificed her happiness for mine - her freedom for my necessary connection to him. How I wish she knew then that I secretly wanted them to separate - knew that they were better people a part from each other, but that this want had been overshadowed by that girlhood fantasy of miraculous normalcy - a bit of fairy dust sprinkled on our foreheads, turning us into the perfect family.

I start to breathe again, after what felt like an hou trapped underwater, and I silently work out my feelings. I decide right then and there to be OK - to ride the wave and never look back.

I guess this part-time memory loss is the end result of that snap decision at 9 years old. Everything before that comes in only the cloudiest of snapshots. I thought this was normal until I started discussing it with friends. They have very clear moments where they can actually FEEL their earliest memories, experience being there instead of treating their past as some sort of play they watched from a balcony, like I do.

[dongwoouwu]

My sister msged me yesterday about the whole thing w her husband and my ex-fiancé. Not only did she not apologize to me about her deleting me out of her discord because of my ex and not tell me till months later, but she told me that her husband was "hurt" about a relationship he wasn't even a part of.

She and her husband had deleted me from their discord when I had broke it off with my ex-fiancé at the time because I no longer had feelings for him and the engagement and relationship itself was premature. I made some mistakes and bad choices and I own up to that; there could've been a way better way to break it off. During this time, I had turned to him because i had felt he was the only one I could talk to about it. Apparently that to him was me "using" him when things got messy?

The undertone of the message was just basically "you can come back but you should apologize to michael", which is insane because this whole thing was between me and my ex anyways, so why did he feel so strongly to place himself in the equation and say he was equally as effected.

I cut-off all means of communication once michael decided to delete me from the discord that I'd been a part of for a couple of years now, and they had kept my ex in there instead. I was obviously the one hurt from this because when it happened, no one had told me anything and kept me in the dark and I suddenly had no communication with the friends I made there. I tried to text my sister about it when it happened and she had just left me on read. I had to get the answer through my mom who had to contact them for me and the proceeded to explain that "they are hurt from the 'Kevin situation'". I never once asked them to intervene with our relationship and yet they ask this of me when they did that all on their own.

The other thing was when i finally told them about me breaking it off with Kevin, they told me that they wanted me to do what i thought was best to me and that they would stand by my decision. The moment i did however, them and everyone had turned against me.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my sister because of this; because she would always put her boyfriends' feelings above her own and mine. This situation was just the final straw to the years of this stupid cycle of thinking maybe this time it would be different and it never is. She would always question my decisions and my opinions, viewing them as less than hers and that i was just "her little sister who doesn't know any better". I have told her time and time again in that i deserve to be treated better than how she treats me when she is in these relationship with these boys. I had to listen to her for years telling me how stupid and how incapable i am of myself and that she constantly has to watch over me. It had took a toll on my confidence all my life and now that I'm finally free of her, i can finally do things that i never thought that i was even capable of doing.

My parents know about my feelings about her, and how she just typically acts, yet they still wish for me to forgive her... but how can I? NGL a part of me wants to so bad and wants this whole thing to be over and for things to go back to how they were when we were growing up. But I had listened to that same voice in the past before, had ran back and apologized and hearing her saying that "things would be different this time" and nothing ever changed. I'm tired of false hope and being emotionally drained from trying to fix a relationship that had been broken for years. Every time i would try and make an effort of increasing our time together, I would be rejected for michael, so I eventually gave up knowing that was going to be the answer every single time. The moment I did, she would run to my parents with alligator tears saying that i was the one putting no effort.

I keep gaslighting myself saying that maybe it was my fault... but in full honesty i just don't care anymore; I don't care to reply or reach out about it. I don't know if maybe I'm taking things too far by cutting off communication? But I'm also just done being thrown into this loop time and time again. I want a way of resolving this without it appearing as me groveling. I finally have a new respect for myself and I don't need to it come crashing down all over again.