supercooldiary

[supercooldiary]

today

i know i never talked about my day trip i didn’t feel like it. but today i went thrifting and it was fun. i got a top a jacket thing and two jeans. i haven’t tried them on yet but i will in the morning. when i was at one of the thrift stores i went to some random person asked me for my instagram. i never know what to do in that sort of situation and i never have. especially since i’m this situation they genuinely looked like a grown adult. i don’t think i look like a grown woman i think i look 16. so it weirded me out. al i responded with was um. but that’s what i do when it’s someone my age too. like i said i have never known what to say. maybe because it doesn’t happen often or because i’m just too awkward. but i’m not used to being liked all the time. there was a time where i was made fun of believe it or not. for looks aka the fact that i have hairy arms. which i’m not embarrassed of anymore. i don’t care that much about how others think of my looks or how i dress. but it’s still weird to me when people find me genuinely attractive and not just talking to me as a joke. it’s weird because i’ve been somewhat alternative for like ever and i guess i’ve never cared what people thought of how i dressed. it just hurts when they think the parts of you that you can’t change are ugly. which i guess i could’ve shaved my arms but i never felt like i wanted to conform to what they wanted me to be anyways. so i never did. and now i don’t mind when people comment on it. i just wish they could say it to my face so i could respond. i think about my past self and wish i stood up for myself more. that’s all for today.

[supercooldiary]

i haven’t written in a while/reading through old entries

i just finished reading through all of the entries i’ve written on here. it’s interesting to see how my mental health rises and falls and how i slowly start writing less and less. i think as i wrote less and less i’m living my life more and more. i still am pretty lazy though. but i hang out with friends more often. i even go out by myself sometimes. i like being alone now more than i used to because i don’t find my thoughts as so overbearing anymore. i just think a lot and that isn’t always bad. although sometimes it makes me feel bad. i think feeling bad is important though. i’ve made a new friend too. she’s really nice. i had a class with her the very first semester of school and i recall trying to talk to her and the communication not really being reciprocated. but out of no where she had one of her friends ask for my instagram and we’ve been texting all the time. we hung out too. school ended like a month ago and i did well. i got all a’s on my second semester report card and on my exams. but that stuff isn’t as important to me anymore. i’ve been feeling pretty good recently and honestly looking forward to the next school year. i signed up for fun classes and after this year i’ll have all my necessary credits to graduate. i can’t believe i’ve been writing on this blog for almost a whole year. i plan on writing more. some stuff just about my everyday life and as always some commentary stuff. i love this blog and i love tumblr because i can be a secret in here. there’s no chance anyone finds this and it’s the perfect way to document my thoughts and write down things i’m thinking about. that’s really it for now. but also i’m going on a day trip tomorrow and i’m super excited! i’ll probably report back on that. also i went to one of those places where people have different stalls and sell things like antiques. i bought a bracelet and a necklace and a jar of buttons. it was a fun place. now that’s it for now. as always no proofread

[supercooldiary]

just a thought i’ve been thinking

recently on instagram i’ve been seeing a lot of videos of cute animals with text over them saying things like “is your burger really worth it?” they make me feel guilty in a way. it’s sort of sad that some animals are raised to be killed and eaten. but it’s sort of just how some things go i guess. and part of me is jealous because i know someday i will dir and in a way we were born for the same reasons. only one of us is eaten though. so i with that i could give someone the energy and fulfillment that an animal would. there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe it should be so sad to know that creatures are killed to help support another because it keeps everything in life moving in a cycle. it’s sad to know how babies are taken from their families and how they’re all broken apart though. it’s sort of a dilemma i have in my mind every time i see something like the sort of vegan content i’ve described. i know in my heart i’m not going to stop eating animal products but i also know that i’m not eating them without acknowledging that once they were just like me, just not the right animal to live so long. they’re still important to me because they help fulfill me.

[supercooldiary]

i hate being awful

i think i'm an awful person and i don't know how to stop being this way. i think i'm person to everyone around me and was put here to make everyone uncomfortable and upset. i can't live one day without ruining someone else's. i wish i was the type of person that made people happy. i don't know how to do that and i don't think it will ever come to me. i try really hard to do the right thing but i think i was just born to be wrong and not stand correction. i make life hell for my family and i don't know how to stop. i don't even know how to like myself anymore. i feel like the same little girl that argued and had so many negative emotions that she didn't know what to do with. so she just put them into everyone else. i make myself shake and feel sick but it's probably even worse for everyone else.

[supercooldiary]

things have been kind of tough

i’ve been having a lot of stomach issues recently that’s been causing me to be bloated all the time. as someone that already struggles with body image it’s been really hard to look in the mirror. yet i do it all the time. i’m trying to keep going and keep eating because i don’t want to make things worse and i want to be able to make it to two years. i’ve just been feeling kind of down and tired but the weather is getting better and i think it might brighten my mood. part of me just feels like it’s my fault that my body is the way it is and i’m not ready to tell anyone even though it could probably be helpful information to my doctors. i’m afraid of my parents being disappointed even though it happened so long ago, even if it’s something i still struggle with. i’m forcing myself to do it alone and i don’t know why.

[supercooldiary]

i got a haircut

i finally got a haircut. i really like it even though i’ve never had it before. looking slightly different stresses me out. even though it looks good it’s like my brain is tricking me into thinking i shouldn’t like it because it’s different. it’s annoying and i wish i could be happy for myself. my hairdresser today was very nice. i think this haircut will allow for a lot more variety of hairstyles and i’ll look pretty cool. i also went to the thrift store today and i bought a new skirt and a shirt and a cd. i also bought some yarn. i want to start growing a button collection to craft with. i have some but not that many. my friend sent me a video of different button drafts because she said it seemed like something i’d like. i love my friends. i love when they send me videos and stuff that reminds them of me. i’m doing pretty well right now. i feel pretty happy despite the haircut. although i have this feeling in my chest of knowing nothing lasts forever. somehow i feel content and at ease at the same time. but it’s okay for now.

[supercooldiary]

new semester and new year

i start class tomorrow and i’m a little excited to see who i’ll be sharing classrooms with. but also i have to make up my geometry final and i’m aiming to do that tuesday but if i don’t feel ready i’ll go to the wednesday session. i hope there are interesting people in my classes that i can befriend. i also have an orthodontist appointment on thursday where i believe i’ll be getting my braces off. i also plan in getting a haircut. i guess the whole new year new me thing is cliché but i think change could do me well. when i look at my life i see the same girl every year and i just think about the future me that will look back on such a boring adolescents. so my goal this year is to have more fun and actually be a teenager because i’m kind of running out of time. i’m tired of just sitting at home spending time by myself. i love to act like thinking about finding new friends or a lover will just happen to me but i guess i actually have to put myself out there. i really want to work on my confidence this year. so that will be starting with a haircut and possibly bangs? i don’t know.

[supercooldiary]

christmas

christmas this year was kind of different. i haven't told anyone but it's a year anniversary since i promised to myself that i would work on my relationship with food. it's embarrassing that i go through everything by myself because i'm afraid. but i'm proud because i haven't broken my promise. although admitting i have had issues in the past is difficult like i'm still there. i'm a really different person compared to who i was then though. i think that's something to celebrate, just by myself. i got a new laptop for christmas. i'm using it right now. it's kind of big and clunky and it's a lot different than my old one but it's also way nicer. it's a chromebook and that sounds fancy to me. i guess i just have to get used to the feel of it. i haven't really been writing or reading for so long. i don't feel like myself without it. i also haven't really been practicing my piano. however, i'm going to an art museum tomorrow and i think that will motivate me. recently i've been thinking a lot about the future and what i want to do. similarly to my very first post on this blog. sometimes i feel like esther at the bottom of that fig tree without the hunger. i hope one day i'll wake up starving for life but it won't be tonight. i want to write but it seems like an impossible dream. for one, i'm not very good at it and for two who knows how that career as a whole will even hold up in the future we're heading towards. i don't think i can make a living writing journal entries so it may be hopeless for my writing career. i'm really only joking, i think i could. maybe if i wasn't so embarrassed to share my writing and poetry to people, i don't know if i could even post it here. i don't tag myself for the reason it's never seen so i know it would be read but just the idea that it could somehow be tied to me kills me. how could i be a writer that is ashamed of their own work? i've also been thinking about relationships. i constantly daydream about having a partner. but i think it would be too different outside of my head. of course i would love to experience love as a teenager but i've never even said yes to a boy asking for my number. i can imagine myself with a girlfriend too. i think people at school know that, even though i've only told a few people i've been told i give off those types of "vibes". i don't see it as a bad thing because there's nothing wrong with knowing yourself to that level. maybe i watch too much glee and look too much into the possibility of being know. i could never really be famous. but it's okay to be possibly secretly good at something that maybe i could be recognized for after death or at a very old age.

[supercooldiary]

i’m just so bored

everything is the same everyday. i’m so tired, i can almost feel my body deteriorating and i think i’m falling with the leaves. i’m so disappointed in november, i’ve felt cursed by the election. such a horrid way to start a month. a day doesn’t pass where i don’t think of how my life will change in these years, how others will too. how far we could’ve gotten. i don’t think people are ready for change. maybe soon they’ll be bored enough since i guess they don’t care for the real issues. i constantly feel tears stab me and i don’t know why. so badly i haven’t even wanted to write because i can’t just print my brain out. i feel so locked inside of it and i can’t break out. no one wants to unlock it either. i think how i feel inside it starting to translate to my physical well being. i can hardly eat and it’s starting to hurt just to walk. what is wrong with me. i guess i’m just bored and upset and annoyed and every feeling that someone could feel. except love, i want it so bad it turns to sadness. i don’t know if i’ve ever felt real romantic feelings before, it’s probably too late. it’s so hard to imagine myself with a partner because i can’t imagine a person wanting to or taking that place. i don’t think i’m nice enough for it. part of me feels somewhat undeserving of it because i think i’d be bad at it. maybe this means i’ll never be good at it. in my mind i could be the best lover but that’s only to my brain. the brain i somehow dislike at the same time. i want to just feel good, maybe it’s the weather, maybe i’m just 16 and i don’t know what i’m doing. i just can’t help feeling so scared all the time yet somehow taking for granted the joys i feel everyday. when will these feelings go away, when will i be able to live with them and cherish good and bad and everything that i feel. i just want to feel like a real human and experience being me and being real like how everyone else seems to. my time will come i think, maybe i’m just not peaking in high school. that’s probably good.

[supercooldiary]

my birthday was recent but things feel the same

it’s not like i mind the lack of change. i just always assume my birthday will hit and i’ll become a new person or something. i bleached my hair though. i couldn’t finish though because i ran out of bleach. i’ve just been bored recently. i think i could change everything about myself even though i hate change. i’m that bored. i want a haircut i hate my hair. i also didn’t wash my face for a while and now i’m broken out everywhere. at least it finally feels like fall outside, it’s supposed to be cold to today. i haven’t practiced my piano all week and i have a lesson tomorrow. i’m a little worried about it but i’ll just practice today. tomorrow i have a field trip too. i’m nervous because it’s at a place i’ve never been before. i hope that i’ll have fun. at least more fun than i’d have in class. that’s all. everything is boring and the same.

[supercooldiary]

my head starts pounding because of how huge my brain is and how many thoughts it’s full of

i haven’t written in a while, i’ve been so busy. i always say i’m busy even though i know i spend lots of time doing nothing, but sometimes i just like to keep my thoughts as my own. i’ve also been going to therapy. i think it’s helping some even though there is still so much about everyday that overwhelms me. i constantly feel so anxious and i don’t know why, i feel like something bad is always bound to happen. i’m trying to be better about that. school has been okay. my grades are okay. i joined a club. it’s actually pretty fun. it’s almost my birthday, i find it kind of stressful. i hate change and the thought of me being in earth for so long is scary. i feel like i’ve lived a million lives already but i’ve only been here for sixteen years. by october at least. i always feel stressed to do something for my birthday even though i don’t ever have a party or anything. my mom is going to go shopping with me at thrift stores for my birthday. those are the kinds of days i love. i like when it’s quiet and smells funny sometimes. i like smelling used books and looking for stains in them. i like to go to the library and check out book i won’t read. i like looking at the stains in those books too, wondering what caused them and who. i wonder if they felt bad about it and tried to get it off the best they could. i hope they don’t feel bad because i read the words nonetheless and admire how a small stain makes the book feel personal. i love used books because i can imagine all the hands that have touched it before and i can wonder what those hands are doing now. same with clothes from thrift stores, i don’t think it’s gross i think it’s beautiful. i think it’s a privilege to be able to feel another person i’m your clothes even though they aren’t really there anymore. i think it’s because one day i know the clothing will end up in a thrift store again someday and will repeat the cycle again. even the clothes i buy new i fantasize about the day they will belong to someone else and sometimes i hope they wonder about me too. this weekend i’ve been a bit sick. it came out of no where and really frustrated me because for once i’d actually had plans. i’ve also been taking piano lessons. my teacher is very nice but the piece i’m working on now is kind of tough. i’ve been out of lessons for a while although i’ve played for so long. i hope the rest of the rust is played off soon. i love pies no though. i think piano and the idea of music and instruments in general is one of the most amazing creations ever. without music everything would be quiet and loud at the same time and it sounds terrible. i think being born deaf or becoming deaf would be such an awful thing to happen to someone and if it ever happened to me i don’t know how i would survive. i guess i’m dramatic but it would be difficult to be happy with no music or the sound of anyone speaking. i like listening to people talk, i could listen to people talk about anything and i don’t have to respond. there is something to amazing about a face that is speaking right to you, watching their eyes and their lips as they express what their feeling. sometimes their hands moving too as they act out what they are telling you. i love it. i love a lot of things. i love a lot of people too. sometimes i wonder how i can be so full of love and nothingness at the same time. i guess it stems from self hatred or something. that’s something i don’t love. it’s harfest to love yourself in my opinion. i think when people ask how can you love others if you don’t live yourself can sound sort of silly. it’s so easy for me to live the people around me because i see every line of them as amazing even though i don’t see it in myself. i think most people are like that too. i see things in people and trees and birds and sandwiches that sometimes i feel i could never see in myself. but i know someday i will feel like my insides are pretty. i just have to discover my own brain and find out what exactly she has to offer for me and the world. it’s such a beautiful and difficult thing to be human but i love it.

pardon the paragraph cut, i reached the limit in the last. even though i don’t feel like i’ve written much at all. that’s a joy of switching topic every sentence. anyhow, sometimes i wish i were a tree or a bird but at the moment i’m glad to be who i am even if i sm hard to love because there is something great about having time understanding your own mind because that means there is something there to find out. just because i’m not happy doesn’t mean i have to be sad and it’s okay that sometimes i’m indifferent. that doesn’t interrupt optimism and the fact that one day i’ll be different. even though i’ll have the same intricate brain and that’s the joy of birthdays and being alive and being human.

[supercooldiary]

schools been getting better

things in general have been a bit better. anxieties that were intense before school starting back up again have began to fade and i’ve started to feel a sense of normalcy in my day to day life that usually finds a way to leave me. sometimes i even talk to people. sometimes people talk to me. i still have mikes to go. i also have a therapist now because i had the horrific realization that you can’t be your own psychiatrist especially when you’ve never gotten the education. sometimes i rely on myself too much while lacking a sense of responsibility at the same time. i’m trying to have less disappointment though. sometimes humans forget they’re human and i do that frequently. it’s difficult to be in a mindset i’d want to call totality. i’m totally in charge of everything i can only sometimes be a little bit in charge. i like to think everyone is a little bit in charge of everything but you can’t change the world because that is everything. i guess that’s why there’s so many people. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

sometimes getting better feels scary

the word better is always seen as positive and it is, but sometimes it feels scary to change how you are even if it’s for the better. as i’ve said on here before, i’ve pretty much ruined my body due to my own poor actions that i’m still working to improve, i’m getting better but i’m scared. i’m scared that one day i’ll wake up and i’ll be normal again and i won’t recognize the healthy person i’ll see in the mirror. i’ve known myself as sick for so long i don’t know what good health looks like on me. it’s scary to change things like eating habits because if you’re always in your head you don’t think about how physically it will make you better, you just think that nothing will ever change or it’ll change too quickly. i want to be healthy but it’s frighting thinking of how being healthy could change my body.

[supercooldiary]

why people are mean to other people online

i hate how mean people can be just because they’re talking through a screen. i think it’s because sometimes when you interact with people online you don’t even think of them as real. i also thing social media has rotted are brains of empathy because as soon as someone feels it people act like they’re sensitive. humans are nothing if not feelers so why do people not want to do what they were born to do? everyday i want to be kind to people and experience emotion because i feel like that what everyone was born knowing that it’s what they should do. maybe i only feel this way because i’ve been on the receiving end of cruelty many times, but i think people who are cruel knowingly are the weakest most pathetic people ever. people who treat others like that have never experienced it themselves and i hope one day people like that regret it. i hope the people who use to be so cruel to me grow up and think about me and wonder how i’m doing and wish that they never said or did anything to me but be nice. i want to write about them and show people that they’re not the only ones with people who are cruel to them. this world isn’t cruelty free and it never will be but that doesn’t mean i want to accept that fact that because i don’t look or act like how people want me to that it automatically means people should be able to be mean. for every time someone laughed during a presentation or said something to me about my appearance, i hope they think about it and realize how that can really affect someone. i know everyone is loving life for the first time and it’s okay to make mistakes, that’s why i hope they can learn from their’s. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

i hate everything. everyday feels like a bad dream but i’m not getting any less tired

my days have been miserable. i’m so tired all the time . i’m so tired i start to feel sick and i just want to sleep but i can’t even do that. i want to cry at all the wrong times. i just hate myself so much right now it’s hard to be optimistic. i ate lunch alone today, by lunch i mean a granola bar. i sat staring at the wall until i went outside for the remaining lunch period to read on a bench. it’s so embarrassing to be alone like that when this is who i am, i don’t know how people are able to make being alone all the time seem so cool and mysterious when i just look like a loser.

[supercooldiary]

a late review of my starting school

the days went by boring and hot. the first day it rained and stormed and everyone’s phones have off flash flood warnings but we were still forced to show up. i missed my bus and got to school late but it didn’t really matter anyways, most people were due to the rain. all my classes were boring and there isn’t really anything that stood out. someone did call me pretty though. the same goes for my second day, the only difference was the weather and how much sweat my body produced. i want to leave the south and feel something other than the sun and i’m reminded of it everyday. the only good thing about the days was the fact that i had lunch with some of my friends, however their section of the buildings lunch time is being moved so it seems i’m going to be sitting alone from now on. this leaves me pretty anxious for the next day back but it’s okay. i just hope i’ll be able to find a place to sit at all my eating habits have also been horrible, with how many people there were in the cafeteria at lunch i hadn’t even tried getting in the lunch line. i’ll be bringing snacks from home from now on i guess. i think things will be okay. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

school tomorrow and thoughts on general anxiety

i have school tomorrow. i’m nervous for it of course. it’s my sophomore year and i hear that’s supposed to be fun. of course everyone is nervous for any first day of school no matter how many they’ve had. there’s still so many people i haven’t met and so many people that will see me and perceive me for whatever it is i present myself as on the outside. i think a lot of stress comes from there. how can i have the look so perfect that everyone has something to like? unfortunately that’s not possible. i know there are already people that just don’t like me at school, and more people will get to be that way too. and people that just see me pass by in the hall could find things they hate about my look too. i guess what i’m saying is that it’s out of my control so i shouldn’t worry. this year i’m sort of in hopes of finding a partner. i’ve never had one and i think it would be good to have some experience with one. so i think the first impressions i make tomorrow could be important for any possible suitors i may come across. i guess it sounds silly, but i’m just hoping to find someone that likes things i like and is nice to me. someone to talk to. just a friend would be fine too. i guess it’s just because i der everyone around me getting so interested in their peers when i think i’ve only liked one person in my entire life. it takes a lot for me to fall for someone, like to actual consider what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. but anyway. anxiety at the moment rules my life. so the main topic is how will i deal? i’ll just push through, that’s what i usually do. things usually turn out fine. and i’ve experienced plenty of embarrassment in my life that a bit more is okay. i worry about my grades too. i hope i do better this semester. there are so many things i worry about, but im a bit excited. i signed up for some interesting classes and i hope to find a club to join. my freshman year was full of nothing, i went to a poetry club meeting one time and never went back, that was it. i want to do something so maybe i’ll have a chance at higher education. anyway, writing helped me feel better, so im going to play roblox now. goodnight. no proofread and i’ll update tomorrow on my first day.