supercooldiary

[supercooldiary]

i’m just so bored

everything is the same everyday. i’m so tired, i can almost feel my body deteriorating and i think i’m falling with the leaves. i’m so disappointed in november, i’ve felt cursed by the election. such a horrid way to start a month. a day doesn’t pass where i don’t think of how my life will change in these years, how others will too. how far we could’ve gotten. i don’t think people are ready for change. maybe soon they’ll be bored enough since i guess they don’t care for the real issues. i constantly feel tears stab me and i don’t know why. so badly i haven’t even wanted to write because i can’t just print my brain out. i feel so locked inside of it and i can’t break out. no one wants to unlock it either. i think how i feel inside it starting to translate to my physical well being. i can hardly eat and it’s starting to hurt just to walk. what is wrong with me. i guess i’m just bored and upset and annoyed and every feeling that someone could feel. except love, i want it so bad it turns to sadness. i don’t know if i’ve ever felt real romantic feelings before, it’s probably too late. it’s so hard to imagine myself with a partner because i can’t imagine a person wanting to or taking that place. i don’t think i’m nice enough for it. part of me feels somewhat undeserving of it because i think i’d be bad at it. maybe this means i’ll never be good at it. in my mind i could be the best lover but that’s only to my brain. the brain i somehow dislike at the same time. i want to just feel good, maybe it’s the weather, maybe i’m just 16 and i don’t know what i’m doing. i just can’t help feeling so scared all the time yet somehow taking for granted the joys i feel everyday. when will these feelings go away, when will i be able to live with them and cherish good and bad and everything that i feel. i just want to feel like a real human and experience being me and being real like how everyone else seems to. my time will come i think, maybe i’m just not peaking in high school. that’s probably good.

[supercooldiary]

my birthday was recent but things feel the same

it’s not like i mind the lack of change. i just always assume my birthday will hit and i’ll become a new person or something. i bleached my hair though. i couldn’t finish though because i ran out of bleach. i’ve just been bored recently. i think i could change everything about myself even though i hate change. i’m that bored. i want a haircut i hate my hair. i also didn’t wash my face for a while and now i’m broken out everywhere. at least it finally feels like fall outside, it’s supposed to be cold to today. i haven’t practiced my piano all week and i have a lesson tomorrow. i’m a little worried about it but i’ll just practice today. tomorrow i have a field trip too. i’m nervous because it’s at a place i’ve never been before. i hope that i’ll have fun. at least more fun than i’d have in class. that’s all. everything is boring and the same.

[supercooldiary]

my head starts pounding because of how huge my brain is and how many thoughts it’s full of

i haven’t written in a while, i’ve been so busy. i always say i’m busy even though i know i spend lots of time doing nothing, but sometimes i just like to keep my thoughts as my own. i’ve also been going to therapy. i think it’s helping some even though there is still so much about everyday that overwhelms me. i constantly feel so anxious and i don’t know why, i feel like something bad is always bound to happen. i’m trying to be better about that. school has been okay. my grades are okay. i joined a club. it’s actually pretty fun. it’s almost my birthday, i find it kind of stressful. i hate change and the thought of me being in earth for so long is scary. i feel like i’ve lived a million lives already but i’ve only been here for sixteen years. by october at least. i always feel stressed to do something for my birthday even though i don’t ever have a party or anything. my mom is going to go shopping with me at thrift stores for my birthday. those are the kinds of days i love. i like when it’s quiet and smells funny sometimes. i like smelling used books and looking for stains in them. i like to go to the library and check out book i won’t read. i like looking at the stains in those books too, wondering what caused them and who. i wonder if they felt bad about it and tried to get it off the best they could. i hope they don’t feel bad because i read the words nonetheless and admire how a small stain makes the book feel personal. i love used books because i can imagine all the hands that have touched it before and i can wonder what those hands are doing now. same with clothes from thrift stores, i don’t think it’s gross i think it’s beautiful. i think it’s a privilege to be able to feel another person i’m your clothes even though they aren’t really there anymore. i think it’s because one day i know the clothing will end up in a thrift store again someday and will repeat the cycle again. even the clothes i buy new i fantasize about the day they will belong to someone else and sometimes i hope they wonder about me too. this weekend i’ve been a bit sick. it came out of no where and really frustrated me because for once i’d actually had plans. i’ve also been taking piano lessons. my teacher is very nice but the piece i’m working on now is kind of tough. i’ve been out of lessons for a while although i’ve played for so long. i hope the rest of the rust is played off soon. i love pies no though. i think piano and the idea of music and instruments in general is one of the most amazing creations ever. without music everything would be quiet and loud at the same time and it sounds terrible. i think being born deaf or becoming deaf would be such an awful thing to happen to someone and if it ever happened to me i don’t know how i would survive. i guess i’m dramatic but it would be difficult to be happy with no music or the sound of anyone speaking. i like listening to people talk, i could listen to people talk about anything and i don’t have to respond. there is something to amazing about a face that is speaking right to you, watching their eyes and their lips as they express what their feeling. sometimes their hands moving too as they act out what they are telling you. i love it. i love a lot of things. i love a lot of people too. sometimes i wonder how i can be so full of love and nothingness at the same time. i guess it stems from self hatred or something. that’s something i don’t love. it’s harfest to love yourself in my opinion. i think when people ask how can you love others if you don’t live yourself can sound sort of silly. it’s so easy for me to live the people around me because i see every line of them as amazing even though i don’t see it in myself. i think most people are like that too. i see things in people and trees and birds and sandwiches that sometimes i feel i could never see in myself. but i know someday i will feel like my insides are pretty. i just have to discover my own brain and find out what exactly she has to offer for me and the world. it’s such a beautiful and difficult thing to be human but i love it.

pardon the paragraph cut, i reached the limit in the last. even though i don’t feel like i’ve written much at all. that’s a joy of switching topic every sentence. anyhow, sometimes i wish i were a tree or a bird but at the moment i’m glad to be who i am even if i sm hard to love because there is something great about having time understanding your own mind because that means there is something there to find out. just because i’m not happy doesn’t mean i have to be sad and it’s okay that sometimes i’m indifferent. that doesn’t interrupt optimism and the fact that one day i’ll be different. even though i’ll have the same intricate brain and that’s the joy of birthdays and being alive and being human.

[supercooldiary]

schools been getting better

things in general have been a bit better. anxieties that were intense before school starting back up again have began to fade and i’ve started to feel a sense of normalcy in my day to day life that usually finds a way to leave me. sometimes i even talk to people. sometimes people talk to me. i still have mikes to go. i also have a therapist now because i had the horrific realization that you can’t be your own psychiatrist especially when you’ve never gotten the education. sometimes i rely on myself too much while lacking a sense of responsibility at the same time. i’m trying to have less disappointment though. sometimes humans forget they’re human and i do that frequently. it’s difficult to be in a mindset i’d want to call totality. i’m totally in charge of everything i can only sometimes be a little bit in charge. i like to think everyone is a little bit in charge of everything but you can’t change the world because that is everything. i guess that’s why there’s so many people. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

sometimes getting better feels scary

the word better is always seen as positive and it is, but sometimes it feels scary to change how you are even if it’s for the better. as i’ve said on here before, i’ve pretty much ruined my body due to my own poor actions that i’m still working to improve, i’m getting better but i’m scared. i’m scared that one day i’ll wake up and i’ll be normal again and i won’t recognize the healthy person i’ll see in the mirror. i’ve known myself as sick for so long i don’t know what good health looks like on me. it’s scary to change things like eating habits because if you’re always in your head you don’t think about how physically it will make you better, you just think that nothing will ever change or it’ll change too quickly. i want to be healthy but it’s frighting thinking of how being healthy could change my body.

[supercooldiary]

why people are mean to other people online

i hate how mean people can be just because they’re talking through a screen. i think it’s because sometimes when you interact with people online you don’t even think of them as real. i also thing social media has rotted are brains of empathy because as soon as someone feels it people act like they’re sensitive. humans are nothing if not feelers so why do people not want to do what they were born to do? everyday i want to be kind to people and experience emotion because i feel like that what everyone was born knowing that it’s what they should do. maybe i only feel this way because i’ve been on the receiving end of cruelty many times, but i think people who are cruel knowingly are the weakest most pathetic people ever. people who treat others like that have never experienced it themselves and i hope one day people like that regret it. i hope the people who use to be so cruel to me grow up and think about me and wonder how i’m doing and wish that they never said or did anything to me but be nice. i want to write about them and show people that they’re not the only ones with people who are cruel to them. this world isn’t cruelty free and it never will be but that doesn’t mean i want to accept that fact that because i don’t look or act like how people want me to that it automatically means people should be able to be mean. for every time someone laughed during a presentation or said something to me about my appearance, i hope they think about it and realize how that can really affect someone. i know everyone is loving life for the first time and it’s okay to make mistakes, that’s why i hope they can learn from their’s. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

i hate everything. everyday feels like a bad dream but i’m not getting any less tired

my days have been miserable. i’m so tired all the time . i’m so tired i start to feel sick and i just want to sleep but i can’t even do that. i want to cry at all the wrong times. i just hate myself so much right now it’s hard to be optimistic. i ate lunch alone today, by lunch i mean a granola bar. i sat staring at the wall until i went outside for the remaining lunch period to read on a bench. it’s so embarrassing to be alone like that when this is who i am, i don’t know how people are able to make being alone all the time seem so cool and mysterious when i just look like a loser.

[supercooldiary]

a late review of my starting school

the days went by boring and hot. the first day it rained and stormed and everyone’s phones have off flash flood warnings but we were still forced to show up. i missed my bus and got to school late but it didn’t really matter anyways, most people were due to the rain. all my classes were boring and there isn’t really anything that stood out. someone did call me pretty though. the same goes for my second day, the only difference was the weather and how much sweat my body produced. i want to leave the south and feel something other than the sun and i’m reminded of it everyday. the only good thing about the days was the fact that i had lunch with some of my friends, however their section of the buildings lunch time is being moved so it seems i’m going to be sitting alone from now on. this leaves me pretty anxious for the next day back but it’s okay. i just hope i’ll be able to find a place to sit at all my eating habits have also been horrible, with how many people there were in the cafeteria at lunch i hadn’t even tried getting in the lunch line. i’ll be bringing snacks from home from now on i guess. i think things will be okay. no proofread.

[supercooldiary]

school tomorrow and thoughts on general anxiety

i have school tomorrow. i’m nervous for it of course. it’s my sophomore year and i hear that’s supposed to be fun. of course everyone is nervous for any first day of school no matter how many they’ve had. there’s still so many people i haven’t met and so many people that will see me and perceive me for whatever it is i present myself as on the outside. i think a lot of stress comes from there. how can i have the look so perfect that everyone has something to like? unfortunately that’s not possible. i know there are already people that just don’t like me at school, and more people will get to be that way too. and people that just see me pass by in the hall could find things they hate about my look too. i guess what i’m saying is that it’s out of my control so i shouldn’t worry. this year i’m sort of in hopes of finding a partner. i’ve never had one and i think it would be good to have some experience with one. so i think the first impressions i make tomorrow could be important for any possible suitors i may come across. i guess it sounds silly, but i’m just hoping to find someone that likes things i like and is nice to me. someone to talk to. just a friend would be fine too. i guess it’s just because i der everyone around me getting so interested in their peers when i think i’ve only liked one person in my entire life. it takes a lot for me to fall for someone, like to actual consider what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. but anyway. anxiety at the moment rules my life. so the main topic is how will i deal? i’ll just push through, that’s what i usually do. things usually turn out fine. and i’ve experienced plenty of embarrassment in my life that a bit more is okay. i worry about my grades too. i hope i do better this semester. there are so many things i worry about, but im a bit excited. i signed up for some interesting classes and i hope to find a club to join. my freshman year was full of nothing, i went to a poetry club meeting one time and never went back, that was it. i want to do something so maybe i’ll have a chance at higher education. anyway, writing helped me feel better, so im going to play roblox now. goodnight. no proofread and i’ll update tomorrow on my first day.

[supercooldiary]

i beat re4/school starting soon

i finally beat resending evil 4. it took me 26 hours. now i’m playing the extra separate ways of whatever. i love ada wong. i don’t think i’ve ever played a game as long as re4 is, i was also very bad at it. i don’t play shooter games, i play games like doki doki literature club. but it was actually pretty fun so i guess i play them now.

anyway, school is starting very soon. like three days. i don’t know what to wear and every time i look i’m the mirror i like uglier than before. it’s always when i want to look nice that i break out or look horrific in general. but it will all be fine i’m sure. i’ll update after the first day. no proofread

[supercooldiary]

life recently

i've felt neurotic if i'm being honest. i can hardly sleep at night anymore and i can hardly eat. i think it's just the stress of school starting again. i'm sort of excited but obviously nervous. in my posts and the fact that i post diary entries on tumblr at all probably reveals that i don't have many friends and i'm not very good at making them, or i should say attempting to. i have some classes i'm looking forward to though. and i like the school gives me something to do everyday. as a very lazy person it confuses me that i have such insecurity and shame in that part of me. getting dressed and going at least one place makes me feel successful for some reason. this coming semester i'm taking a journalism class and i'm really beyond excited. journalism interests me a lot and i'm hoping it can give me an introduction to some people with these interests as well. maybe i will be introduced to some outside of school activities, i usually fail to participate in those. today i also went through all of my pants in my closet. i have so many skirts so i tried them all on to see if there were any i should donate. most of my clothes are from the thrift store, otherwise i would feel rich with how many items i have in my drawers. i also went through my jeans and finally gave up a pair that never fit me. i don't now why i have such a habit of purchasing clothes that are too big. i guess i just hardly know what my body even looks like so i just assume certain sized fit when they really don't. anyway, i only got rid of like four things, which isn't bad for me. i just love skirts, i always buy the funky ones from thrift stores with patterns and colors. recently i've had an obsession with knee length skirts to maxi skirts. i used to like mini skirts a lot when i was younger and i wore them a lot, now i don't know if i'm confident enough for it. i applaud my younger self so much because they weren't so afraid of themselves, they wore what they wanted and indulged in their interests even though they were weird. sometimes i get embarrassed when someone brings up how i used to act, but i can't hate them, especially when i'm mostly the same. i'm glad i had the phases i did, i don't think people respect their 2020-2021 selves as much as they should. just because everyone was ''cringe'' doesn't mean that it wasn't you. that version of me was important to figuring out who i was, without it i wouldn't be so into mcr, and i love mcr. plus that time was crucial for me at least when it came to self identity, without that i think it would be harder for me to be myself. growing up religious and still being religious makes liking girls as a girl kind of hard. i like guys too, but i can't act like that makes anything different. i like who i am most of the time and i'm glad i'm still here. in short, i've been reminiscing a lot. i get like this when school season comes back, i guess i start to feel old. at the same time part of me looks forward to being out of school and being an adult. i guess it's just that i have no clue what i want to be and who i want to become, and it feels like everyone else does. i wish i could just write forever and have people read it and feel what i feel and make people want to write too and make them feel good. i guess how i felt after finishing the bell jar. it made me sad but it also made me so happy, it made me feel hopeful that one day things won't be foggy. i'm not proofreading tonight. i think i'll find a farming game to play. goodnight.

[supercooldiary]

i hate myself

i hate how i constantly preach positivity like i’m capable of optimism. i hate how i push everyone away. i hate how i treat every single argument like a screaming contest. i hate the fact that if i wasn’t in this body i would hate it all the same. i hate how no matter how hard i try to be a better version of myself i stay the same. every time i try to take a step forward i fall and it makes me sick. i fall and fall until my face is bruised and bloody and i’ll keep falling because the scars mean nothing to me and i will never learn. i’m incapable of understanding other people feelings except my own until everyone hates me. i will never understand consequences except for the feeling of hatred i have for myself when i do something wrong. i hate how stupid i am. how i can’t make friends. how no one will ever be capable of loving me. i am just a wretched soul in a hideous body and i try to mask it with my self love that isn’t even real. i wish i could apologize to everyone i’ve ever met because i know every time i open my mouth they wish for nothing to come out. but i know what comes out. vomit of unfunny jokes and screams of hatred for everything around me. i don’t know how to stop myself from pushing people away and i don’t think i’m capable of change. lately i feel like such a stranger. my mind just fills with every wrong decision i’ve made and how it’s shaped me. not just emotionally. i’ve lost almost all curvature my body ever had. my body and my brain have nothing in them that could make anyone want to be near me. even now, all i do is self pity myself instead of actually getting better. i’m tired of being full of hate but it’s all i’ve ever been full of.

[supercooldiary]

the days are going by quicker and quicker but the more time that passes the more i start to feel like myself again

i started playing piano again. i love piano. i still remember when i first had to get lessons for it, my family made me. i hated it and tried to convince them to let me quit so i could play volleyball instead. and i did play volleyball, but they didn’t let me quit piano. when i think back to that time i find it funny which one i actually ended up quitting. it’s crazy to me how i was able to hate the piano, now it seems impossible. it’s something that makes me happy and it actually one of my few hobbies. not just that but i’ve also been wanting to get back into painting. and i want to get back into playing bass. i’m horrible at it after switching from a more orchestral stand up bass to a guitar but it gives me something to work for. i’ve stopped wanting to be lazy. my feelings of melancholic almost anger seems to fade and come back every so often. i’m working on being able to dismiss the feelings better. i think i might dye my hair soon. i have an awful fear of change. every time something major changes i feel like a completely different person, i don’t even feel like one at all. recently i deep cleaned my bedroom and got rid of a lot of things. it was good because my items started to give me the name of hoarder. but my attachment to inanimate objects is almost mental, i can look at anything with a drawn on face and act as if it’s real, as if it has thoughts of its own. i still am like that, but i can’t let it turn me into a hoarder, i want to be seen as clean even though i’m not, so i try. that’s why i want to dye my hair, i want to do something fun, bleach and dye it because i used to do that kind of thing all the time, before i became a coward surrounded by fear, like an animal in a tight cage. i bought the dye months ago but i still haven’t worked up the courage. so i think I’ve decided to do something simple like dyeing the underneath of my hair red. i sort of want some raccoon tails but again i’m almost too engulfed in fear to be cool.. anyhow, all you can do is try your best until your best is better.

[supercooldiary]

i haven’t written in a while

i feel like i’m going crazy. things have just really been going downhill recently. i always feel afraid and on edge and i’m always screaming at everyone. sometimes i want to take my brain away from my skull so this body can be loved. i know i can’t though. i want to be better and i want to get better but it’s really hard. i wish i was a stronger person and i wish i could be normal. school starts back up soon and it’s worrying me, i want to have a good year but it’s like no matter what i do things will keep going wrong and it’s all my fault. last year when school started i was in a horrible place mentally and it ruined my gpa. i don’t want it to get even worse. all i want is to be happy and successful and i wish it could be easier for me. i’m so selfish, everyone has to work for what they have and i act like i’m the only one who has it hard. i’m so stupid sometimes, and right now it seems more like all the time. last night i had a panic attack and woke up with a swollen eye. i can’t keep acting like my summer has been productive or that i’ve enjoyed it all that much. i’ve gone out with friends just once. but at least i’ve finished three books, that’s good for me at least. i wish i could change how my brain was and how much of a terrible person i continue to be. every time i see a sign in my town with bible verses and the word repent it scares me, like they’re talking right to me, like everything i do is wrong. i feel guilty all the time and i don’t know why. i wish everything could just be okay for one second and that i could feel normal again. i know everyone else wants it too. they want me to be like how i used to be. before i isolated myself and was afraid of everything. i guess i see why my doctor wanted to put me on prozac but i’m scared of that too. it makes me feel even worse that my doctors are now acknowledging that something is wrong. now i know it isn’t all in my head. i cry so often now. i don’t know why i can’t stop.

[supercooldiary]

sometimes things feel hopeless but i know someday i’ll be loved and it cheers me up

i can’t wait for the day where i find someone that loves me and i love them. not that i think i need a lover to feel happy. it’s just that i’ve never had one before and i think it would be nice to have someone that’s all mine and i’m all theirs and we’ll always have each others backs. i think i’m getting better too, a more lovable version of myself. although i always have been. i hate when people talk bad about their past selves because without them you wouldn’t be who you are now. i love every version of myself that has existed even though they’re strangers now.

[supercooldiary]

i can’t sleep and it’s horrible

pretty self explanatory, i feel horribly anxious because i have a doctors appointment in the morning so now it’s almost 2am and i can’t sleep. hopefully i will soon though. good night.

[supercooldiary]

i had a sad dream and i rant about how valuable human life is

i’ve been having a lot of dreams lately, like every night a different dream. they’ve all been really weird too. but last night i had the saddest dream ever. in my dream my dad got in a freak accident and he died, and it was like everyone moved on so fast but i was still so sad. i woke up and cried because i love my dad so much. i just think that everyone should have people in their life that they value so much and love so much even if it isn’t by blood because loving is so great and i just love my family so much and want them to all be healthy and happy. so many people are so important to me and i just hope they know that because i really do have so much love in my heart, i’m just bad at expressing it. i think everyone is so important, like we’re all apart of something bigger and important, we’re not just a bunch of random individuals, we’re a whole population where everything is tied together like a big spider web.