#i am ill with them bonding and hanging out and helping each other through trauma ok

[ivypond11]

someone send help i keep thinking about normal helping scary through the terry jr aftermath.

____________

Scary knows Normal is the kind of person who would do anything for his friends, even if he didn't agree with their decisions.

She knows, after months and months of spending the night at the Swallows-Oak-Garcias, that Normal loves his friends with all his heart. It's just the way he is, and, for a reason she will never understand, she's found herself being one of those friends. She's never felt deserving of it, to say the least, and she still feels guilty for all the things she put him, Link and Taylor through, but she will take it because she loves him too, and his presence has warmed its way into what she thought was the cold tundra of her heart. So, she never asks him for anything, Scary feels like that would be crossing a line. But in their endless sleepovers, when she wakes up crying and screaming over the bloody hole in Terry's face, and he holds her until her breath is even, the warm light of the sun finding them crying until the early hours of the morning, she feels selfish enough to ask Normal to help her forget.

"Forget what?" he asks, wiping his wet cheeks with the palm of his hand, looking at Scary with a knowing look. He knows what she is going to ask, she's sure of it.

"I can't... I can't live like this, Norm. I can't keep remembering him and reliving that day." scary says, clutching her chest, choking tears away. "If I forget about Terry, at least... fuck, I don't know." she burrows her face in his shoulder, and he hugs her. "I don't want to feel this empty inside." Scary whispers, sobbing quietly into her best friend's arms.

"Yeah." Normal says, as she knew he would. "We'll find a way." he whispers back.

Scary doesn't know if they will find a way, but she knows Normal will do everything in his power to help her, and she's never felt less deserving and grateful of his friendship.

[verdemoun]

jumping ahead in the timeswap au because i am the captain personally i headcanon jack not making it to 20. i think life had well and truly defeated him and he was too tired to keep running, and he ended up hanged for ross's murder.

side tangent a) imagine the emotional devastation the VDLs in modern era would feel reading that. there's a grainy photo/sketch and they can almost tell what jack looks like, how much he looks like john, how old he already looks at 19, and then there's the noose sitting on his shoulders waiting for the trapdoor to be pulled. the article portrays ross as a poor elderly man of honor killed by jack marston, outlaw, a dangerous sociopath

side tangent b) john and jack being reunited. john really struggling not to be angry because he wanted/expected so much better for jack: knowing he was never an ideal father (or even a good father) but how much he didn't want his son to be like him, how clear he had been to never become an outlaw. then, the grief. it's only been 3 years but being able to see how much those three years have changed jack, physically and mentally, just by the way he carries himself and that dead, destroyed look in his eyes. jack struggling not to be angry for a lot of the same reasons because at 16 he was left taking care of abigail as heartbreak and illness killed her, and a ranch they could barely take care of together. jack realising his mom, dad and little sister got to play happy family in current day without him.

well now that that's out of the way: dues-ex-isaac morgan

isaac morgan deciding jack marston is his personal responsibility. sure, the whole recipe of staying in a house for a few weeks slowly learning about the current day slowly works for most VDLs, but isaac understands that not only is jack 19 (a teenager) but the culture shock isn't quite as severe going from 1914 as it was 1899.

isaac throws rocks at the window until jack sneaks out his first night in modern day. he forces a helmet onto his head and gives a vague warning that 'it's going to be faster than a horse', before setting off at very illegal speeds on his motorbike

jack immediately loves it. it's very much what he needed: the adrenaline, feeling like he's rebelling, seeing the chrome and crowds of city as a blur become more and more recognizable in outdated suburbs until they're pushing 100mph on the highway

isaac strategically takes him out to the desert, because the desert really hasn't changed that much, and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. they lay down and trauma-bond about how fucked their lives have been (isaac, who experienced the timewarp like a child moving house and had to teach things to his 19th century mother, jack, who grew up in the chaos of the VDL gang with his mother as the only constant: deadbeat dads taken to the metaphorical extreme).

'there's only two things you really need to know: you can't buy alcohol until you're 21 and cigarettes are actually really bad for you' 'cigarettes are BAD??????'

isaac introduces him to cliche teenage emo music through a dodgy bluetooth speaker. jack marston actually listens to music for the first time

arthur getting a frantic phone call from john saying jack snuck out

charles offering to help track them down, because they immediately know isaac is involved

charles and arthur finding a drunk isaac and jack air guitaring to mcr in the middle of the desert

isaac and jack are instant best friends. instead of the coddling most of the gang do when something is new and initially intimidating, isaac laughs at him and it's honestly more comforting. like yeah, traffic lights take a hot second, but jack does feel dumb for not realising that the changing lights and loud beeping meant it was time to walk/run.

isaac literally doesn't hold his hand unless he has to, meanwhile jack has had months of living alone as an outlaw in 1914. they balance each other out in the worst ways. isaac will say they shouldn't walk through a dark alley and jack is like pfft if someone tries to mug us i can take them

their hangouts go from jack bookworm marston helping isaac study at college to isaac being the one calling his dad because 'heeey we might be in jail' in 3 hours. all parental figures involved are going grey with stress

[storiesofsvu]

Weird ask ig idk

What would the characters from criminal minds greys anatomy specialties be/ who would be friends with who?

not weird at all nonny! we love a good crossover! shout out to @swimmingstudentchaos891 for talking through this with me!

Starting off with some of the one that instantly came to me;

Garcia: She's in dermatology. We all know she doesn't like the ick and gruesome of crime scenes, so she wants to stay away from all the blood and gore of surgery. And the ep when they discover the derm floor? it's all happy and calm and rainbows and sunshine and I just think she would fit in well there!

Spencer: he's nuero. It just makes sense, he's super smart, with his memory would be able to excel in that field. While schizophrenia is a mental illness it's still likely the most linked to neurological and that's gonna be a big motivation there too.

Tara: girl's ortho. Don't ask me why. She just is. She's the one out of all of them I think would love breaking bones the most. She can't help but feel cocky when the big football players come in with dislocated shoulders and they're all manly about it until she's shoving it back into place and they're screaming like babies. She'd also be so soft and so good with kids who come in who fell off the monkey bars or something.

Alex Blake: psych. I think that's pretty self explanatory. she'd excel there, or possibly be the hospital's therapist cause lord knows those dr's need fucking help. lol

Emily: Cardio god. She just has that power and you know she's the cocky, sometimes the god complex comes out. She'd be incredible. (she'd also be the McSteamy of this universe but less of a dick, and with a bigger dick. i don't make the rules)

Hotch: he's gonna be chief, or like, the head of the resident program thing. Something similar to Webber. He just has the upper level authority that people respect.

JJ: pediatrics. She's so good and soft with the tiny humans. If she hadn't fully decided on a specialty it was after having Henry that she realized she wanted to be able to help kids and she's super good with keeping parents calm.

Morgan: Hear me out. He's either an EMT or a nurse. Cause we all need a hot boi nurse in our lives. Or he's the super hot emt that rolls up with ambulances and just knows all the nurses are heart eyed for him. He flashes that cocky grin, sticks around for a coffee, little flirt master.

Rossi: i came up blank, but Lu says optometry so I agree. He's probably just around doing consults and hanging out, not as much surgery anymore. Still a published author but this time medical books, has a plethora of knowledge when the younger dr's are looking for something specific in a medical journal.

Luke: I've put him down for trauma. I think he'd be able to do that really well, his experience in the field, he's quick on his feet, not afraid to improvise kinda thing.

As for who'd be friends with whom and other little headcanons, I don't have much because there's SO many characters on Grey's and it's been a while since i've watched it (this ask literally made me restart s2, so i might have more thoughts as I go through LOL)

-Garcia and Arizona are absolutely gonna be besties. They both love all things fun and pink and adorable.

-Spencer and Lexi are 1000% going to find a bff in each other. They've both kinda grown up the "weird" kid who graduated super early and shit, so they've finally found someone else who's like them and the same age.

-Rossi is going to find himself immediately adopting the Deluca siblings. At first it's just because he hears them arguing in Italian and is able to cut in and calm them down but after he hears about their dad/family dynamics he's just all "nope, i am your papa pasta now"

-Spencer & Meredith are going to have some dark and twisty bonding over their mothers and how trying to help them is honestly exhausting and draining but they're gonna keep doing it and trying to find cures/treatments.

-Rossi and Luke are going to have some form of boding with Teddy and Owen over their various times serving and the trauma/ptsd and shit that comes with that.

There's probably SO much else i could get into but that's all I've got for now. Loved the ask! Love shit like this! thank you nonny!

[hello-nichya-here]

Rough Draft of Fire Warrior (Fake Kemurikage) Headcanons

Note: Hi Nichya! I am currently writing a long fic dealing with how post-Imbalance Avatar would go for the Fire Nation Royal Family and their close friends and I was wondering if you could please look at my headcanons and critic them? Cause I don’t want to engage in the usage of stereotypes, or bad writing in general, especially since I am writing about characters with mental illness. Also, I have been trying to send you an ask about lighting bending for the past couple days, and it keeps on not getting through to you. Considering my asks only had trouble getting to you around the same time you very recently IP banned that one dumbass who tried roasting you for liking Azula, could it be you accidently banned me as well (I am using a coffee shop to upload this)? If so can you please unban me for your answers to my asks have enriched my understanding of Avatar greatly. Thanks!

Here is the ask: How would you write Azula and/or The Fire Warriors teaching Zuko lighting and smoke bending (as part of their reconciliation/rehabilitation) while Zuko teaches them the true meaning of fire, the dragon dance, and the philosophy behind lighting redirection? Cause I thought part of Azula’s and Zuko’s reconciliation would have been teaching each other the bending/skills the other one was lacking, uplifting each other instead of trying to compete with each other or hurt each other. But canon is what it is.

Anyway, my headcanons are down below

Starting from left to right I am going to list the names, backstory, and mental illness(es) of the non-Azula Fire Warriors:

Beam (DID plus avoidant personality disorder)

Born in 84 A.G., as the second child of three, and the only daughter of an upstart noble and a stay at home mother, Beam was expected to marry into nobility considering how well her father had done selling steel to the Fire Nation Navy and the fact that she had inherited her mothers��� good looks.

But Beam, for a lack of better words, was often detached from reality and quickly became a source of shame for her family. For Beam would often drift out of reality into her own little world whenever confronted with large amounts of stress. 

And what causes stress in Beam? Being around strangers, especially large numbers of them like parents’ hosted one of their frequent parties in an attempt to move up in Fire Nation High Society.

In fact, Beam started wearing her distinctive hairstyle plus dye in an attempt to avoid having people come to her much to her brothers and parents displeasure. And when that didn’t work, she started to wear masks such as those based on the dark water spirit or the dragon emperor.

On a side note, the only thing that really helped Beam was firebending, where she had a natural gift. However, due to her performance issues, whenever her brothers and/or parents came to watch, she always messed up her routines, leading them to cancel Beam’s lessons when she was 16 in order to focus on making Beam marriageable. 

This caused Beam to despair and undergo a nasty episode in which she wholeheartedly believed she was the dark water spirit and almost killed her older brother, who was “obviously” the Dragon Emperor. Said brother also happened to be the one who suggested her parents cancel the firebending lessons and make Beam a proper woman since he was going to get married soon and didn’t want his fiance’s family to revoke the marriage contract once they better got to know his “weirdo” of a sister.

The above incident was the last straw for her parents, who had her involuntarily committed after coming to the “conclusion” that nothing would fix their “madwomen” of a daughter.

Aiko (Clinical Depression)

Born in 87 A.G. as the unexpected last daughter of a merchant and a very low level noblewomen, life has always been a struggle for Aiko. Her mother had her in her early 40s after unexpectedly getting pregnant and giving birth to Aiko prematurely. Aiko and her mother barely survived but her mother ended up suffering from postpartum depression, hurting their mother-daughter bond.

Aiko grew up seemingly loved, but in reality she was always sad. And no amount of gifts, such as some of the best firebending tutors in the land, could ever make Aiko happy for it appeared from Aiko’s pov that her mother never wanted to do anything with her while she happily gave her love and time to her oldest two kids, who were both boys and going to join the war effort. 

That and she was relentlessly bullied in school for her demure size; one day she tried standing up for herself by getting into an impromptu fight with her main bully, but she accidently badly burned her due to being actually quite skilled in firebending. While Aiko managed to avoid jail or getting into trouble, the trauma of almost killing some made Aiko withdraw further into herself much to her parent’s grief.

Her brothers were the main positive thing in her life, for they were understanding of her and didn’t really push her that hard…except in firebending where they were the only people she felt safe enough after her incident.

However, things took a turn for the worse when her brothers finally joined the army and died in the very same maneuver that Zuko talked out against as a 13 year old. And in her grief, Aiko tried hanging herself though the noose broke just before it went taunt and she ended up knocking herself out.

And when she woke up, she found herself in the asylum….

Chyou (Bi-polar disorder)

Born in 84 A.G. as the adopted child of two low tier Hu Xin Provinces (colonial) nobles who were unable to have kids of their own. Her parents tried their best with Chyou, but she was a very difficult child to raise, for, in their perspective, one moment Chyou was a hyper energetic girl who was all too willing to do anything to achieve her long-term goals and whims. Goals that included being the best firebender in her school and being a proper noblewoman. And whims including a desire to shave half her head though that particular fulfilled whim didn’t really harm Chyou for she liked the hairstyle and kept it much to her parent’s dismay. 

But in other moments, Chyrou was a heavily depressed girl, who couldn’t even be bothered to get out of her bed no matter how hard her parents tried to encourage/bribe/threaten her. 

However, these “cycles” were just subtle enough that with her parents covering for her, Chyou could pass as a normal kid…that is until one night, she overheard a conversation between her parents talking about how much Chyou looked like her mother’s sister. Confused since she thought she had no blood relations with either of her parents (they told her she was adopted from a young age since Chyou doesn’t share that much in common with either with her parents), she confronted them and the told Chyou her true origin.

Chyou was in fact the love baby of an Earth Kingdom soldier and a Fire Nation noblewomen who was Chyou’s “mother’s” sister. While the Fire Nation is progressive in terms of gender roles, it is against the law for Fire Nation noblewomen to copulate with the males of the other nations. 

For Sozin’s reasoning was that the strong men of the Fire Nation could civilize the demure women of the other nations while the barbarians’ uncivilized blood could easily overwhelm the wombs of their wombs. Wombs that were needed to make sure their great nation would never lack loyal citizens. In reality, due to the patriarchal nature of inheritance and property ownership, Sozin feared the colonized enemy would marry into Fire Nation nobility and basically overthrow him once their numbers reached critical mass.

But getting back on track, it wasn’t discovered that Chyou’s real mother was having the baby of an Earth Kingdom soldier, let alone she was going to elope with him. So the Fire Nation tried to capture the soldier and kill him, but he ran off. However, after allowing Chyou’s true mother to give birth, the Fire Nation had her killed off. But, Chyou’s Aunt and Uncle took pity on Chyou and successfully begged the authorities to let them raise Chyou as their own kid.

Chyou’s Aunt and Uncle begged for Chyou’s forgiveness and she gave it to them…though she later had a manic episode that caused her to sneak out of her Aunt’s and Uncle’s house to search for her father, hoping she would get to meet him.

It took several weeks and all of the tracking and survival skills she learned in school, but she found the last place her father inhabited. But when she knocked on the door, her bio grandma opened the door and, once Chyou explained who she was, told the “lying ashmaker to get away from me and never come back unless you want to die” in addition to telling Chyou that her father died during General Iroh’s march to Ba Sing Se. 

For Chyou’s bio grandma never knew about her son’s relationship with Chyou’s mother, let alone that he was going to have a child with her and thus thought the young firebender was punking her…not that it would have made a difference for after she couldn’t even bury her son due to him being completely burned to ashes, she developed an intractable hatred towards the Fire Nation and especially firebenders. And that hatred wouldn’t dissipate even if her own granddaughter was one of those “ashmakers.”

Heartbroken at the rejection, Chyou then fell into a serious depressive state and was going to kill herself until she was apprehended by June and returned to her family, who had been paid by Chyou’s parents to find her before the colonial authorities did. For if the “mixed breed” had been found going “back” to her Earth Kingdom family, Chyou would have been killed for her “genetic disloyalty” caused by her parentage.

And when Chyou kept uncontrollably talking about her failed trip, Chyrou’s parents made a hard decision and had her temporarily involuntarily committed since they would rather have her suffer at the asylum (as well as get help for her myriad of issues) than have her rambling expose her “genetic disloyalty” and have her brutally executed, making all their pleadings to allow them to raise her pointless.

However, bigoted political hardliner healers in the asylum saw her history and decided unilaterally that she was a threat to society and so manipulated her record to make so she had died, leaving Chyou’s Aunt and Uncle (who were pretty old) heartbroken to the point they died within a couple of months of each other and turning Chyou’s temporary stay into a permanent stay.

Chyou, depending on whether she is having a manic episode or depressive episode, oscillates between believing her Aunt and Uncle haven’t given up on her and believing that they have finally given up on account of being a disgrace due to her mental issues and bloodline.

Zirin (Oppositional Defiant Disorder with mild Conduct Disorder)

Born in 85 A.G. as the only daughter of some minor nobles who live in Caldera City. She has ODD, which manifests in her explosive temper, which her parents tried solving by doing everything, including getting her training in firebending, which Zirin has a natural aptitude in considering she became a master by 16.

But despite her parent’s best efforts, her anger still didn’t really subside, leading up to an incident where she burned a highly sought out suitor for rubbing her the wrong way, leading her reputation to sink and make her unmarriageable, making Zirin worthless in her traditionalist parents’ eyes.

Zirin offered to join the Fire Nation military so she could be useful, but her traditionalist parents said no since the military is not the proper place for a young noblewoman. So they had her involuntarily admitted to the asylum…

Ting (Schizophrenia)

Born in 82 A.G. as the daughter of a minor Fire Nation noble and an Earth Kingdom commoner (that her father took a liking to) who lived in Yu Dao, Ting on the surface supposedly lived a charmed life. But her life was anything but charmed, for she didn’t not inherit her mother’s slim face and body, but had the stout body and face of a typical Earth Kingdomer. Meaning that it would be next to impossible to marry her off to another noble family for even in the colonies, there was a preference for Fire Nation traits among the nobility.

Not helping was just after Ting was 6, she would suffer periodically from hallucinations of her father whenever she messed up in school or in court, often having her speech deteriorate into “incoherent” babbling (ex. Ting asking “him: to stop hitting her) and often fighting back against a person who wasn’t there.

Obviously, this was just another thing that made Ting a massive disappointment in her father’s eyes.

So upset as his “mistake” Ting’s father often beat up his wife and daughter and seeing how Avatar takes place in fantasy land 19th century Asia, there was no one who they could turn to. In fact the only reason why Ting was “tolerated” was because she was an elite firebender, who naturally excelled at Sozin Style firebending due to her rage and self-loathing caused by her “madness.”

Thus, even if Ting was unmarriageable, she was likely going to have a good career in the Fire Nation Army. That is until one night when Ting was 16 witnessed a really bad argument between her drunk parents that ended up with her father breaking her mother’s arm.

Enraged and having enough, she fought her father and ended up badly burning him in public as he tried to escape her. 

The authorities then restrained her and tried to put her on trial, but horrified at what she had done, she had a severe episode that made the authorities doubt her sanity.

So sensing an opportunity to save face and not have his dirty laundry aired, Ting’s father authorized the colonial authorities to ship Ting to a homeland mental asylum for “treatment” damn well knowing they would most likely never let Ting out. And he had authorized Ting’s involuntary committal at the dead of night so Ting’s mother could not disapprove.

Gamon (Higher Functioning autism)

Born in 83 A.G. to two high functioning autistic former soldiers living in Hama’s village, Gamon would have been raised in a loving family. That is until her parents one night disappeared during a full moon and never came back (they were captured by Hama and tortured to death but the little shred of humanity left in Hama caused Hama to leave the baby alone despite wanting to spite Gamon’s pleading parents). So Gamon was given to her next of kin, who were mid tier nobles. 

It turned out that Gamon’s mother was once a noble, but renounced it so she could join the Fire Nation Army due to her special interest being the military alongside firebending. This had caused Gamon’s maternal grandparents and Gamon’s Uncle great shame and had also caused them to disown Gamon’s mother. And the sad thing was that despite Gamon’s mother wanting to reconcile, her parents died just after she got pregnant.

So when Gamon’s Uncle and Aunt got a hold of her, they promised that they would raise her into the proper noblewomen Gamon’s mother should have been.

And they were very harsh in doing so, making sure Gamon took to heart what her tutors told her what was necessary to do to be the perfect noblewomen. However, lightning struck twice, and Gamon developed a special interest in both firebending and military history, which she hid from her Uncle and Aunt by practicing firebending in the morning before either of them woke up and reading military history at night after they had gone to bed.

Gamon managed to hide it until she was 15 years old, where, after being suspicious of Gamon knowing an obscure military battle that took place during the start of Azulon’s reign while also giving pointers to a boy she was courting, they had one of the maids spy on her and report to them.

This, combined with Gamon’s symptoms such as her stimming (she likes to rub her knuckles because she likes how they feel) plus her social awkwardness (no matter how hard they drilled her, Gamon always floundered in noble get togethers), made her guardians give up her.

And not wanting a repeat of what happened to Gamon’s mother and the resulting loss of face, they had her involuntarily committed to the asylum and washed their hands of her.

***

1 - I absolutely loooooooooooove the idea of Zuko and Azula teaching each other, and it could start with Zuko playcating Azula by letting her bend again (which he knows she desperately wants) by making it clear she’s going to have to do it his way - seeing fire as a source of life, not just death. They’re likely to end up fighting a few times because of course, but it would mostly work out as intended, and Azula would then teach him what she knows.

2 - Zuko sharing what he learned from the dragons (while still keeping the secret) with the people who needed to learn it the most is what he should have done from the begining, especially with his sister, and it fits with his new goal of guiding his nation towards peace and showing them that this idea that war and destruction is “the Fire Nation way/culture” is absolute bullshit.

3 - It’s hard to say how “accurate” your portrail of mental illness is since I’m seeing just “your notes” so to speak, but it looks like you’re in the right path. Just be sure to remember that, while mental illness and disabilities do play a huge part in someone’s personalities that is not ALL of their personalities and you’ll be good to go.

4 - I recommend you either retcon some of the most ableist bullshit the comics pulled (like Zuko straight up abandoning Azula and not thinking about her until he needed something from her, not noticing the clear signs of abuse she was showing, all the times he and his friends physically assaulted her when she wasn’t doing anything, and him taking her on a mission knowing nothing about her condition) or make the characters realize just fucked up that was and then genuinely trying to be better.

[broomballkraken]

Title: A Dullahan and a Firewolf Walk into a Café...

Fandom: Cafe Enchante

Pairing(s): Kotone/Canus/Ignis

Word count: 3309

Warnings: None

Summary: ...and they eventually fall in love with the sunny and upbeat owner. This is a cause of tension between Canus and Ignis, who are normally the best of friends...that is, until they realize that they are in love with each other as well.

Enchanté had always been a place where Ignis could escape the constant fighting and the bitter cold of Bestia. Relaxing in the quaint café atmosphere with a nice drink and a filling homemade meal was always something that he had looked forward to.

This time, however, he was feeling anything but relaxed.

Ignis’ grip tightened around his glass of soda as he stole a glance to his right, where Canus sat sipping on his smoothie, his discomfort obvious due to the deep blue color of the flames that were ever-present around his neck.

They were currently the only regulars present today; Il was locked in his room playing the latest otome game, Misyr had business in the demon world, Rindo had offered to escort Kariya to his checkup at the GPM, and Kotone was off shopping for groceries. The fact that Ignis was alone with Canus only made this awkward silence between them more deafening. There was also a palpable tension in the air, and it had everything to do with the beautiful human who owned the café.

Ignis would be the first to admit that he had been wary when Kotone had taken over the café. Enchanté was his escape from the constant fighting in Bestia, and he didn’t know if it would be the same without Souan. However, he soon realized that his worry had been unfounded, because Kotone’s Enchanté was every bit as cozy and welcoming to non-humans as her grandfather’s had been.

It was even more so actually, as unlike Souan, Kotone had shown great interest in visiting the non-human worlds, even though she had ended up in the middle of a few terrible situations, especially in his own world of Bestia, and Canus’ home world of Medio. She had helped Ignis break free from his fate of becoming Vanar, so it was no surprise that he had fallen in love with her along the way, and luckily for him, she felt the same way.

This had surprised him, because while they all were helping Canus deal with the threat that Yggdrasil posed to Medio, Ignis watched as Kotone and Canus fell in love with each other. He had never considered the fact that she could be in love with two people at the same time, but that wasn’t really a problem.

No, the problem wasn’t that they both loved Kotone, it was that Ignis was also in love with Canus, and he didn’t know what to think of that. In Bestia, the beast-folk took on one mate for life, and Ignis had never heard of anyone forming a polycule of any kind before. He wasn’t sure what humans thought of that, and from what he had gathered about the fairy customs concerning romance, he really couldn’t fathom a guess at what Canus’ thoughts about it were either.

The more Ignis thought about it, the more he realized that he had probably been in love with Canus far longer than he had with Kotone, and he had just been too dense to realize it. He didn’t need to see Canus’ face to know that he was attractive; his kindness, loyalty, and passion for protecting others was more than enough to cause Ignis to fall in love with him.

When Ignis had found out about the horrible burden that Canus had been forced to bear for Medio, he had felt physically ill at the thought. Someone as kind-hearted and gentle as Canus had no business being forced to kill innocents against his will. Ignis had been more than happy to lend a hand in burning that bastard tree Yggdrasil down to nothing but a pile of ash.

Canus had been a big part of helping Ignis out with his own bullshit trauma, and Ignis really couldn’t thank him enough for helping Kotone keep him from passing that point of no return. They had developed a very close bond, and Ignis had realized that the line between friendship and love had been blurred for a long time. Now that he knew that line had indeed been crossed, he didn’t know what to do about it.

When Kotone had confessed her love for him, Ignis thought that would solve his problem once and for all by overwriting his love for Canus. However, those feelings persisted nonetheless, and it only confused him more when he found out that Kotone loved Canus too.

Ignis’ patience with this dilemma was wearing thin, and he knew that he needed to talk about this with Canus. He hated this awkward air that lingered between them now, and he decided that he was going to put a stop to it right now, one way or another.

Ignis downed half of his drink and slammed his glass onto the counter harder than he needed to, startling Canus. “Ugh, alright, we’ve gotta talk about this already,” he said, waving his hand in front of him as he turned to face Canus head on. Canus stiffened and he turned as well, letting out a deep sigh.

“Indeed. We have put it off for far too long.”

“So, you love Kotone, and I love Kotone.” Ignis decided to not beat around the bush at all, and he continued when Canus nodded, “And she loves both of us.”

“Yes, she has told me as much.” Canus crossed his arms over his chest, and his flames turned a radiant yellow in color, causing Ignis’ face to heat up at how pretty they were. “It was easy to fall in love with such a gentle, caring soul.”

“Yeah.” A soft smile crossed Ignis’ face as he placed an elbow on the counter and rested his chin on his hand. “She’s so compassionate, too much for her own good sometimes. Kotone really pulled us both out of some really dark places, huh?”

Canus’ flames flashed dark blue briefly, and Ignis winced as the awful memories resurfaced briefly. They both really had been through hell by being forced to kill against their will, albeit with different overall circumstances. All of their friends had been a great help, but Kotone had been at the center, for both of them, and had been a key factor in giving them both a happy ending to their ordeals.

“But,” Ignis continued as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth, “is it really okay for her to be with both of us at the same time?”

“Hm, I believe so. Human relationships are varied and complicated. I have read in a few of the romantic magazines that Kotone has given Titania that some do in fact form polyamorous relationships.” Ignis was curious as to why Canus was reading those magazines in the first place, but he decided against asking about it. Instead, he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Tch, humans are stranger than I thought...I guess I can live with her being in love with both of us…” Ignis trailed off, failing to hide the disappointment in his voice, not at the fact that he had to share Kotone, but that he also wanted to be with Canus. Ignis wasn’t sure if he could stand to watch Canus give Kotone affection when he wanted it badly from him too.

But Ignis would try, because he loved them both, and if he had to suppress his feelings for Canus to make them happy, then he would make that sacrifice, no matter how painful it was. He stole a glance at Canus out of the corner of his eye, and even though he couldn’t see his face, Ignis could feel Canus’ intense gaze boring into him as the flames around his neck suddenly turned a light pink in color.

“...Yes, but with that being said...I do believe that I may have similar feelings for you as well, Ignis.”

Ignis had unfortunately been in the middle of taking a generous swig of his drink, and it immediately ended up all over the counter as choked on it and spit it out. His coughing fit was eased when Canus smacked a firm hand to his back a few times, and Ignis finally managed to squeak out a response after he wiped his arm over his mouth.

“...H-Huh??”

Canus lifted his hand to his invisible face and cleared his throat, his flames turning an even deeper shade of pink. “I, ah...I’m in love with you too.”

Ignis just stared at Canus, with his jaw hanging open with shock. He couldn’t help but wonder if fairies possessed some kind of mind-reading magic that he wasn’t aware of, but the thought was pushed from his mind as an incredible warmth erupted within his chest. Canus...really felt the same way about him, huh? Ignis definitely hadn’t expected that at all.

“If you do not feel the same about me, that is...quite alright.” The flames around Canus’ neck betrayed his actual feelings as it turned a deep shade of blue, and Ignis frowned at the sight. “I will suppress my feelings for you and we can focus on making Kotone happy-“

“Whoa, whoa, back up. Don’t just assume things without hearing what I have to say first,” Ignis interrupted, pouting as his eyes narrowed, “Because, ah, actually do, kinda, maybe feel the same way…” Ignis fumbled with his words and his voice trailed off at the end, and Canus just stared at him.

“I...don’t understand-” he started, and Ignis let out a frustrated noise as he shook his head.

“Gah! I love you too, alright?” he blurted out, his gaze falling to the counter as he rubbed at the back of his neck. He heard Canus suck in a sharp breath, and Ignis almost didn’t hear it over the roaring of his heartbeat in his ears.

“O-Oh, you...you do, really?”

“Yes, really.” Ignis forced himself to look back up at Canus, “I’ve...loved you for a long time now, actually.” He swallowed thickly and sweat began to bead on his forehead as Canus stared at him, before his flames turned a bright yellow.

“I am so happy to hear that, Ignis. I...was honestly scared to tell you, given your relationship with Kotone.” He paused and rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly. “I didn’t know if there would be room in your heart for me.”

“Oh fuck that, Canus,” Ignis said with a roll of his eyes, “For you, there was always a place in my heart. I was just too dense to realize it sooner, you know. You’re just...really easy to love.”

Canus’ flames turned a dark blue as he let out a deep sigh. “I never really thought that I was deserving of love, back when I was doing my duty as the Fairy of Death, but you and Kotone made me realize that I was wrong, and I cannot thank you both enough for that.”

Ignis snorted and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, I’m surprised that you two still gave me the time of day after the bullshit you saved me from...but I’m really glad you two didn’t give up on me either.” Ignis smiled as Canus’ flames turned pink again, and he hoped that this wasn’t a cruel dream, because damn he never felt so goddamn lucky and loved in his entire life.

Canus reached across the counter and placed his hand over Ignis’, causing the latter to make a strangled noise in the back of his throat, while his cheeks turned a bright pink in color.

“You are rather adorable when flustered, Ignis.”

“S-Shut up.”

Canus laughed as his flames turned a lime green, and that was enough to cause Ignis’ face to flush an even deeper red while his heartbeat quickened considerably. He couldn’t stop a smile from crossing his face, however, and he entwined their fingers together as he gave Canus’ hand a light squeeze. His smile morphed into a grin when Canus’ flames turned pink again, and even though Ignis couldn’t see his face, he could just tell that he had the brightest of smiles on his face.

Suddenly, the bell at the door rang, prompting Ignis and Canus to look to see who would enter…

---

When Kotone pushed open the door to Enchanté, she hadn’t expected to see Canus and Ignis sitting together at the counter, and her eyes widened when they both turned to look at her. It had been very awkward this morning, when she had served them their drinks and quickly made up an excuse to rush off to the marketplace. She knew that she was the source of the awkwardness between them, and that made her feel immensely guilty.

She didn’t know how it happened, but she had somehow managed to fall deeply in love with both Ignis and Canus. She knew that it wasn’t fair to them to not pick a side, but her heart kept telling her that it was big enough for the both of them. Kotone was honest about her feelings when she talked to them, and they seemed fine with her also being with the other. However, she couldn’t help but feel like it would be better if they all could be in one happy relationship, but she had no idea how likely that was…

That is, until her gaze wandered to the counter, where Ignis and Canus’ hands were clasped together, and she let out a light gasp as she hurried towards them, as they both shot up from their seats.

“Ah, K-Kotone!”

“Er, hey…”

Canus and Ignis both turned and greeted her nervously, with the former’s flames flashing between dark blue and pink, while the latter’s eyes darted anywhere but to meet her own. A smile slowly spread across Kotone’s face when their hands remained clasped together in spite of their flustered states.

“You two are holding hands!” she blurted out, and Canus’ smoke flushed completely pink and Ignis glanced down at their entwined hands, before they both finally looked at Kotone.

“W-Well, yes...We, ah…” Canus mumbled, his free hand fiddling with his collar as he stumbled over his words.

“Ugh, we found out that we love each other too, okay?” Ignis interrupted Canus to blurt out a blunt explanation, and Kotone giggled, her chest flooding with an immense warmth. Knowing that they all loved each other equally was a dream come true, and Kotone couldn’t contain her happiness as she pulled Ignis down for a kiss, and then did the same to Canus.

“That’s wonderful!” Kotone exclaimed as she stepped back, and she looked back and forth between them a few times. Canus and Ignis just stared at her, looking a bit confused at her eagerness. She laughed and placed her hands on her hips, raising an eyebrow at them.

“Well? Are you two going to kiss now?”

Kotone brought a hand to her face as she tried to suppress another giggle when the two men before her bristled at the suggestion. They glanced briefly at each other before quickly turning away, Ignis’ face flushing a bright red to match his hair, while Canus’ flames turned a deep pink.

“Um, I...suppose that would be the next logical course of action…” Canus mumbled as he sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Y-Yeah, but...this is...embarrassing…” Ignis crossed his arms over his chest, his fingers digging into his skin.

“Oh?” Kotone cocked her head to the side. “But you two kissed me just fine.”

“T-That’s different!” Ignis sputtered with a firm shake of his head, “You already knew how we felt about you. Canus and I just confessed our feelings for each other…”

“Oh, then all the more reason for you two to have your first kiss now!” Kotone drove her point home by smacking her fist into her other hand and smiling sweetly. The sincerity in Kotone’s words must have reached them, because Ignis and Canus both fixed their gaze on her, both nodding as the former swallowed thickly, and the latter took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“...R-Right...”

“...U-Understood…”

They turned to face each other, and the comically serious expression on Ignis’ face combined with Canus’ stiff posture had Kotone snorting as she tried not to burst out laughing. Ignis stared at the ‘empty’ space above Canus’ neck with an intense look, his eyes narrowing as he slowly lifted his hands up.

“...Can’t even tell where your lips are…” Ignis mumbled, a grumpy pout crossing his face as he lightly smacked his hands against the spot where he thought Canus’ cheeks were.

“Ignis...there’s no need to hit me.” Canus’ flames flashed a dark blue in color, before snapping back to pink in an instant. Ignis opened his mouth to respond, probably with a snarky retort, but he froze when Canus’ hands moved to cup his face. Kotone watched the scene unfold with great interest, and a gentle warmth seeped into her cheeks when Canus lowered his face to Ignis’ and guided his lips to the proper place. She hadn’t really been sure if these two would love each other as much as they loved her, but looking at them now wiped all doubts from Kotone’s mind, especially when she saw Ignis’ lips curl up into a smile.

When they pulled away from each other, Kotone did not fail to notice the fond looks that the two men exchanged, before Ignis’ face scrunched up and he scratched at his chin.

“Huh, strange…”

Canus jerked backwards as his flames immediately turned a deep shade of blue. “Was it...really that bad?”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant at all!” Ignis quickly explained, shaking his head as he grabbed Canus’ hand, “It’s just...you’re ah, warm…” Kotone giggled at the exchange and nodded.

“Yeah, Canus’ kisses are always warm to me too,” she chimed in, and Ignis joined her in laughing when Canus sputtered, embarrassed, “It’s a bit strange that we can’t see your lips though.”

“I, ah, do have them, it’s just that no one but I can actually touch them, or any part of my head for that matter. But,” Canus’ flames turned a vibrant yellow as he placed his hands on Ignis’ and Kotone’s shoulders, “I...can feel how soft both of your lips are against mine and...it is a pleasant feeling.”

Kotone smiled brightly and laughed as she wrapped her arms around both of them, hearing them both make a startled noise as she pulled them into a tight hug. “I’m so happy that we all feel the same about each other! I really love you both so much!”

“Ah geez,” Ignis grumbled, and Kotone glanced up to see that his pouting face was flushed red, “I, er, love you both too.”

Kotone felt a rumbling chuckle roll through Canus’ chest, and she giggled when he leaned down and placed a kiss on her cheek, before doing the same to Ignis. “I love you both as well, with all that I am.” His arms wrapped around both Kotone and Ignis and he pulled them against his broad chest. “I never thought that I would return to Enchanté to find not just one, but two people who I’ve come to cherish more than anything else.”

“Ugh, that’s so cheesy,” Ignis grumbled, hiding his beet-red face against Canus’ chest, but Kotone still caught the beautiful smile that was on his face, “Thanks for loving me you two, in spite of all the bullshit I’ve put you through.”

“Of course, you both are so easy to love…” Kotone said, letting out a content sigh as she melted into the embrace of the two men that she loved the most. As they stood in the middle of her Enchanté, Kotone would forever be thankful for the dullahan and the firewolf who walked in one day, and changed her life for the better.

[parsonsjessica1989]

Save Marriage Couple Walkthrough Metal Detector Fascinating Cool Ideas

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Does Counseling Save Marriages

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Save Marriage Union

If this is the therapy is a personal choice which can help.After some time, communication involving people has turn into an upsetting episode in your marriage and avoid divorce.This is the person you are in the sense that they have become nearly impossible to fix the situation, especially if you manage to move one with this field.Relish in the group automatically thought of nothing really beneficial will happen in every marriage problem resolution counselor.Children who suffer the trauma of an extramarital affair, not many people just give up because not doing it before it comes to sex, try new things as we remembered but it is not free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and programming to create an atmosphere of growth.

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[snowrust-a-blog]

ABOUT JON SUFFERING PTSD ANYTHING BASED AFTER SEASON SIX.

this is something that i am going to be implementing effective immediately to any threads/plots wishing to be based from the revival of Jon at the beginning of season six, since the show decided to seem that Jon would return back to the living world with a new hairstyle and next to no recognition of him suffering after... well, you know. literally being stabbed to death by the people he thought he could trust. 

Cause everyone walks away from that without any form of trauma!!!

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a particular set of reactions that can develop in people who have been through a traumatic event which threatened their life or safety, or that of others around them. This could be a car or other serious accident, physical or sexual assault, war or torture, or disasters such as bushfires or floods. As a result, the person experiences feelings of intense fear, helplessness or horror.

People with PTSD often experience feelings of panic or extreme fear, similar to the fear they felt during the traumatic event. 

A person with PTSD experiences four main types of difficulties:

𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐂 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓 – The person relives the event through unwanted and recurring memories. These often come in the form of vivid images and nightmares.  There may be intense emotional or physical reactions, such as sweating, heart palpitations or panic when reminded of the event.

In the case of Jon Snow, he mostly relives the event through nightmares which in turn, can bring on bouts of insomnia out of fear of the nightmares. 

the nightmares themselves are wildly vivid and recurring. it’s always one of the two:  ONE. jon is standing there unable to move or speak as he is stabbed over and over and over, with ghost howling behind a room, never able to get out. the skies are red and stabs feel as real as the day that they were made.  TWO. he is there with Ned and Robb, embracing each one before he feels the daggers in his chest, pulling back to find not the face of his father and brother, but the faces of Allister Thorne and Othell Yarwyck, grinning and turning the knife deeper and further.  He will always wake up sweating with a sore and cracked through from trying to scream, blankets on the floor and never laying straight in bed as he should.

though he has another trigger as well: mentions of betrayal. it will result in difficulty breathing, a racing heart followed by an emotional shutoff. He will likely excuse himself mid conversation when he can feel himself starting to be triggered and deal with reliving it by himself. it’s unhealthy but it’s the only way he wishes to deal with it.

in rare cases, jon may even lash out at your muse. snapping at them and yelling. though for this reaction, your muse will have needed to really upset him or said something about the hangings of the traitors. 

𝐁𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐑𝐓 𝐎𝐑 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐔𝐏 – The person experiences sleeping difficulties, irritability and lack of concentration, becoming easily startled and constantly on the lookout for signs of danger.

He never used to get startled by anything, but a door being closed too loud or too sudden will cause him to jump or gasp, and if someone sneaks up on him, a huge sense of paranoia will overcome him since they snuck up on him when he was killed. 

Jon will double and triple check rooms before entering and exiting, often asking someone with him if they could check, too. 

And i touched on sleeping in the previous topic.

𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓  – The person deliberately avoids activities, places, people, thoughts or feelings associated with the event because they bring back painful memories.

This one explains itself: Jon resigning from Lord Commander and in turn, leaving the nightswatch. Everything about the wall screams his trauma back at him and it also reminds him about the lives he took as an act of justice. 

The wall itself is the largest trigger for Jon and will shutdown conversations about it before they can even eventuate. If someone mentions the mutiny or his time as Lord Commander, Jon will simply as for your muse to change the topic or respect the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it. 

but, if your muse has a very close bond ie: familial or romantic, jon may open up about the experience if it is approached correctly. he isn’t going to talk to someone he hardly knows or doesn’t trust about it. 

𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐍𝐔𝐌𝐁 – The person loses interest in day-to-day activities, feels cut off and detached from friends and family, or feels emotionally flat and numb.

Jon will completely zone out of conversation, not listening to anything anyone would say in a sense of total detachment. their words become blurry and it feels like his vision becomes dark, often staring at the table or a wall for minutes without being able to shake himself from this void. Other things he will do is lock himself away in a room to just sit in his own silence, since he knows it’s rude to just sit there and ignore a conversation. He has lost an obvious joy and youth to his tone, a lot of conversations kept short and brief, and his tone barely wavering a few octaves above or below. 

WHAT JON SAW ON THE OTHER SIDE. 

inspired by a conversation diedking and i had a few months ago about what Jon actually saw versus what he said he saw. 

In the show, when someone asked jon what was on the other side, he replied very coldly and sternly nothing. 

I believe that this is a lie. I believe that when Jon crossed over for the short few days he was dead, he saw his family & he saw them happy. Seeing his father and all his glory and smiles and honor standing there in his classic cape with ice by his side. Seeing Robb standing with Ned as the true heir to the north, smiles broad and an overwhelming feeling of happiness overcame him. He even saw Catelyn, hand in hand with Ned and looking as fondly as ever at Ned and Robb. It felt... reminiscently normal. 

Jon felt happy that he was with his family again. Though he was glad to not see any more of his family here with him. 

though he was dead for days, it felt like mere minutes on the other side. 

no where near long enough for Jon and Robb to exchange stories, or for Robb to tell Jon all about Jeyne and Jon to tell Robb all about Ygritte. Ygritte who he was sure would have to be here somewhere! The woman he loved would be here, too.       And no where near long enough for jon to finally ask ned about his mother and the truth of his birth. 

It was just enough time for jon to embrace his brother, a hug nothing like that of their last one. but the moment they broke away to either laugh or cry, jon was tugged backward. 

a light so blinding his eyes stung and his breath hit him like a freight train. death felt like a dream, a dream that he’d wished would be his reality. 

It was until Sansa had found the wall and reunited with Jon, that he’d honestly wished that he had stayed dead. That’s why, when asked what he saw on the other side; he replied as coldly and bluntly as he did. 

INCORPORATING THIS INTO MY PORTRAYAL.

obviously, jon snow is still going to be jon snow. everything based pre-season 6 will not be effected by jon’s PTSD. it will mostly be incorporated into all season 6 based threads and alternate universes spanning from this season as i do not write season 7 as canon to my jon. 

If your character triggers jon, accidentally or out of spite/malice, please be aware that he will react!!! he may shut off or snap or yell!! it is extremely dependent on the situation at hand!!

but please don’t let this be off putting as i will let you know before replying that jon is going to react in a certain way and i will also talk to you about what your muse can either do to help or where we can go from that point on.

SOURCES

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/clinical-resources/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ptsd

https://www.sane.org/mental-health-and-illness/facts-and-guides/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

https://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

[hollywoodjuliorivas]

Cover Photo Credit Brooke Smart The Opinion Pages | OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR Sheryl Sandberg: How to Build Resilient Kids, Even After a Loss After my husband’s death, I set out to learn everything I could about how kids persevere through adversity. By SHERYL SANDBERGAPRIL 24, 2017 Continue reading the main storyShare This Page Share Tweet Email More Save Two years ago, in an instant, everything changed for my family and me. While my husband, Dave, and I were on vacation, he died suddenly from a cardiac arrhythmia. Flying home to tell my 7-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son that their father had died was the worst experience of my life. During that unimaginable trip, I turned for advice to a friend who counsels grieving children. She said that the most important thing was to tell my kids over and over how much I loved them and that they were not alone. In the fog of those early and brutal weeks and months, I tried to use the guidance she had given me. My biggest fear was that my children’s happiness would be destroyed by our devastating loss. I needed to know what, if anything, I could do to get them through this. I also started talking with my friend Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor who studies how people find motivation and meaning. Together, we set out to learn everything we could about how kids persevere through adversity. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story As parents, teachers and caregivers, we all want to raise resilient kids — to develop their strength so they can overcome obstacles big and small. Resilience leads to better health, greater happiness and more success. The good news is that resilience isn’t a fixed personality trait; we’re not born with a set amount of it. Resilience is a muscle we can help kids build. And every kid faces challenges. Some stumbles are part of growing up. Forgetting lines in a school play. Failing a test. Losing a big game. Seeing a friendship unravel. Other hardships are far more severe. Two out of 10 children in the United States live in poverty. More than 2.5 million kids have a parent in jail, and many endure serious illness, neglect, abuse or homelessness. We know that the trauma from experiences like these can last a lifetime; extreme harm and deprivation can impede a child’s intellectual, social, emotional and academic progress. As a society, we owe all our children safety, support, opportunity and help finding a way forward. We can start by showing children that they matter. Sociologists define “mattering” as the belief that other people notice you, care about you and rely on you. It’s the answer to a vital question that all children ask about their place in the world starting as toddlers, and continuing into and beyond adolescence: Do I make a difference to others? When the answer is no, kids feel rejected and alone. They become more prone to self-destructive (“Hurting myself isn’t a big deal, since I don’t count anyway”) and antisocial behaviors (“I might be doing something bad, but at least I’ve got your attention”). Others withdraw. Not long ago, a friend picked up her son from a summer day camp and found him beaming with pride that he’d finished the robot he’d spent two days building. The next morning, he returned to find his robot had been destroyed: Bullies had taken only his apart — and then told him that he was worthless. After that day, his mother watched him sink into a spiral of anxiety and depression. Even when he went back to school in the fall, she recalled, “he’d put on his hoodie and sit in the back, in his own world.” Adolescents who feel that they matter are less likely to suffer from depression, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. They’re less likely to lash out at their families and engage in rebellious, illegal and harmful behaviors. Once they reach college, they have better mental health. Opinion Today Every weekday, get thought-provoking commentary from Op-Ed columnists, The Times editorial board and contributing writers from around the world. Sign Up Receive occasional updates and special offers for The New York Times's products and services. SEE SAMPLE MANAGE EMAIL PREFERENCES PRIVACY POLICY As parents, we sometimes feel helpless because it’s impossible to solve our children’s problems. In those situations, we can still provide support by “companioning” — walking alongside them and listening. Adam told me about evidence-based programs at Arizona State University that help families cope with parental loss and divorce. These programs teach parents to create and maintain warm and strong relationships, communicate openly with children, use effective discipline, avoid depression and help their children develop coping skills and strategies. When families participate in these programs for 10 to 12 sessions, over the next six years children have fewer mental-health and substance-abuse problems, higher grades and better biological stress responses. One afternoon, I sat down with my kids to write out “family rules” to remind us of the coping mechanisms we would need. We wrote together that it’s O.K. to be sad and to take a break from any activity to cry. It’s O.K. to be happy and laugh. It’s O.K. to be angry and jealous of friends and cousins who still have fathers. It’s O.K. to say to anyone that we do not want to talk about it now. And it’s always O.K. to ask for help. The poster we made that day — with the rules written by my kids in colored markers — still hangs in our hall so we can look at it every day. It reminds us that our feelings matter and that we are not alone. Dave and I had a tradition at the dinner table with our kids in which each of us would share the best and worst moments of our day. Giving children undivided attention — something we all know is important but often fail to do — is another of the key steps toward building their resilience. My children and I have continued this tradition, and now we also share something that makes us feel grateful to remind ourselves that even after loss, there is still so much to appreciate in life. For my friend’s son whose robot was destroyed, a turning point came when one of his former teachers got in touch to see how he was doing and started spending time with him every week. She encouraged him to reach out to other kids and make friends, then followed up, reinforcing each step he took. She cared. He mattered. When a new kid started at the school, the teacher encouraged them to get together, and the friendship took. “It made such a difference for a teacher to take an interest in him and a friend to bond with him,” his mom said. “It was like the sun came out in our house.” ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story Since my children were so young when they lost their father, I am afraid that their memories of him will fade, and this breaks my heart all over again. Adam and I also learned that talking about the past can build resilience. When children grow up with a strong understanding of their family’s history — where their grandparents grew up, what their parents’ childhoods were like — they have better coping skills and a stronger sense of mattering and belonging. Jamie Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that expressing painful memories can be uncomfortable in the moment, but improves mental and even physical health over time. To keep Dave’s memory alive, I asked dozens of his closest family members, friends and colleagues to capture their stories about him on video. I also taped my children sharing their own memories, so that as they grow up, they will know which are truly theirs. This past Thanksgiving my daughter was distraught, and when I got her to open up, she told me, “I’m forgetting Daddy because I haven’t seen him for so long.” We watched the video of her talking about him, and it gave her some comfort. Talking openly about memories — not just positive ones, but difficult ones, too — can help kids make sense of their past and rise to future challenges. It’s especially powerful to share stories about how the family sticks together through good times and bad, which allows kids to feel that they are connected to something larger than themselves. Studies show that giving all members of the family a chance to tell their version builds self-esteem, particularly for girls. And making sure to integrate different perspectives into a coherent story builds a sense of control, particularly for boys. 117 COMMENTS A friend of mine who lost his mother when he was young told me that over time, she no longer seemed real. People were either afraid to mention her or spoke of her in idealized terms. My hope is to hold on to Dave as he really was: loving, generous, brilliant, funny and also pretty clumsy. He would spill things constantly yet was always somehow shocked when he did. Now, when emotions are running high in our house, but my son stays calm, I tell him, “You are just like your daddy.” When my daughter stands up for a classmate who is getting picked on, I say, “Just like your daddy.” And when either of them knocks a glass over, I say it, too. Sheryl Sandberg is the author, with Adam Grant, of “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy,” from which this essay is adapted. Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter. A version of this op-ed appears in print on April 24, 2017, on Page A23 of the New York edition with the headline: How to Build Resilient Kids, Even After a Loss. Today's Paper|Subscribe Continue reading the main story

[jeremewong]

How to build resilient kids, even after a loss

Two years ago, in an instant, everything changed for my family and me. While my husband, Dave, and I were on vacation, he died suddenly from a cardiac arrhythmia.

Flying home to tell my seven-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son that their father had died was the worst experience of my life. During that unimaginable trip, I turned for advice to a friend who counsels grieving children. She said the most important thing was to tell my kids over and over how much I loved them and that they were not alone.

In the fog of those early and brutal weeks and months, I tried to use the guidance she had given me. My biggest fear was that my children's happiness would be destroyed by our devastating loss. I needed to know what, if anything, I could do to get them through this.

I also started talking with my friend Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor who studies how people find motivation and meaning. Together, we set out to learn everything we could about how kids persevere through adversity.

As parents, teachers and caregivers, we all want to raise resilient kids - to develop their strength so they can overcome obstacles big and small. Resilience leads to better health, greater happiness and more success. The good news is that resilience isn't a fixed personality trait; we're not born with a set amount of it. Resilience is a muscle we can help kids build.

And every kid faces challenges. Some stumbles are part of growing up. Forgetting lines in a school play. Failing a test. Losing a big game. Seeing a friendship unravel. Other hardships are far more severe. Two out of 10 children in the United States live in poverty. More than 2.5 million kids have a parent in jail, and many endure serious illness, neglect, abuse or homelessness.

Talking openly about memories - not just positive ones, but difficult ones, too - can help kids make sense of their past and rise to future challenges. It's especially powerful to share stories about how the family sticks together through good times and bad, which allows kids to feel that they are connected to something larger than themselves.

We know that the trauma from experiences like these can last a lifetime; extreme harm and deprivation can impede a child's intellectual, social, emotional and academic progress. As a society, we owe all our children safety, support, opportunity and help finding a way forward.

We can start by showing children that they matter. Sociologists define "mattering" as the belief that other people notice you, care about you and rely on you. It's the answer to a vital question that all children ask about their place in the world starting as toddlers, and continuing into and beyond adolescence: Do I make a difference to others?

When the answer is no, kids feel rejected and alone. They become more prone to self-destructive ("Hurting myself isn't a big deal, since I don't count anyway") and anti-social behaviour ("I might be doing something bad, but at least I've got your attention"). Others withdraw.

Not long ago, a friend picked up her son from a summer day camp and found him beaming with pride that he'd finished the robot he'd spent two days building. The next morning, he returned to find his robot had been destroyed: Bullies had taken only his apart - and then told him that he was worthless.

After that day, his mother watched him sink into a spiral of anxiety and depression. Even when he went back to school in autumn, she recalled, "he'd put on his hoodie and sit in the back, in his own world". Adolescents who feel that they matter are less likely to suffer from depression, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. They're less likely to lash out at their families and engage in rebellious, illegal and harmful behaviour. Once they reach college, they have better mental health.

As parents, we sometimes feel helpless because it's impossible to solve our children's problems. In those situations, we can still provide support by "companioning" - walking alongside them and listening.

Adam told me about evidence-based programmes at Arizona State University that help families cope with parental loss and divorce. These programmes teach parents to create and maintain warm and strong relationships, communicate openly with children, use effective discipline, avoid depression and help their children develop coping skills and strategies.

When families participate in these programmes for 10 to 12 sessions, over the next six years children have fewer problems with mental health and substance abuse, higher grades and better biological stress responses.

One afternoon, I sat down with my kids to write out "family rules" to remind us of the coping mechanisms we would need. We wrote together that it's OK to be sad and to take a break from any activity to cry. It's OK to be happy and laugh. It's OK to be angry and jealous of friends and cousins who still have fathers. It's OK to say to anyone that we do not want to talk about it now. And it's always OK to ask for help. The poster we made that day - with the rules written by my kids in coloured markers - still hangs in our hall so we can look at it every day. It reminds us that our feelings matter and that we are not alone.

Dave and I had a tradition at the dinner table with our kids in which each of us would share the best and worst moments of our day. Giving children undivided attention - something we all know is important but often fail to do - is another of the key steps towards building their resilience. My children and I have continued this tradition, and now we also share something that makes us feel grateful to remind ourselves that even after loss, there is still so much to appreciate in life.

For my friend's son whose robot was destroyed, a turning point came when one of his former teachers got in touch to see how he was doing and started spending time with him every week. She encouraged him to reach out to other kids and make friends, then followed up, reinforcing each step he took. She cared. He mattered. When a new kid started at the school, the teacher encouraged them to get together, and the friendship took off. "It made such a difference for a teacher to take an interest in him and a friend to bond with him," his mum said. "It was like the sun came out in our house."

Since my children were so young when they lost their father, I am afraid their memories of him will fade, and this breaks my heart all over again. Adam and I also learnt that talking about the past can build resilience. When children grow up with a strong understanding of their family's history - where their grandparents grew up, what their parents' childhoods were like - they have better coping skills and a stronger sense of mattering and belonging.

Jamie Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that expressing painful memories can be uncomfortable in the moment, but improves mental and even physical health over time.

To keep Dave's memory alive, I asked dozens of his closest family members, friends and colleagues to capture their stories about him on video. I also taped my children sharing their own memories, so that as they grow up, they will know which are truly theirs.

This past Thanksgiving my daughter was distraught, and when I got her to open up, she told me: "I'm forgetting Daddy because I haven't seen him for so long." We watched the video of her talking about him, and it gave her some comfort.

Talking openly about memories - not just positive ones, but difficult ones, too - can help kids make sense of their past and rise to future challenges. It's especially powerful to share stories about how the family sticks together through good times and bad, which allows kids to feel they are connected to something larger than themselves. Studies show that giving all members of the family a chance to tell their version builds self-esteem, particularly for girls. And making sure to integrate different perspectives into a coherent story builds a sense of control, particularly for boys.

A friend of mine who lost his mother when he was young told me that over time, she no longer seemed real. People were either afraid to mention her or spoke of her in idealised terms. My hope is to hold on to Dave as he really was: loving, generous, brilliant, funny and also pretty clumsy. He would spill things constantly yet was always somehow shocked when he did.

Now, when emotions are running high in our house, but my son stays calm, I tell him: "You are just like your daddy." When my daughter stands up for a classmate who is getting picked on, I say: "Just like your daddy." And when either of them knocks a glass over, I say it, too.

NYTIMES

[newstfionline]

How to Build Resilient Kids, Even After a Loss

By Sheryl Sandberg, NY Times, April 24, 2017

Two years ago, in an instant, everything changed for my family and me. While my husband, Dave, and I were on vacation, he died suddenly from a cardiac arrhythmia.

Flying home to tell my 7-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son that their father had died was the worst experience of my life. During that unimaginable trip, I turned for advice to a friend who counsels grieving children. She said that the most important thing was to tell my kids over and over how much I loved them and that they were not alone.

In the fog of those early and brutal weeks and months, I tried to use the guidance she had given me. My biggest fear was that my children’s happiness would be destroyed by our devastating loss. I needed to know what, if anything, I could do to get them through this.

I also started talking with my friend Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor who studies how people find motivation and meaning. Together, we set out to learn everything we could about how kids persevere through adversity.

As parents, teachers and caregivers, we all want to raise resilient kids--to develop their strength so they can overcome obstacles big and small. Resilience leads to better health, greater happiness and more success. The good news is that resilience isn’t a fixed personality trait; we’re not born with a set amount of it. Resilience is a muscle we can help kids build.

And every kid faces challenges. Some stumbles are part of growing up. Forgetting lines in a school play. Failing a test. Losing a big game. Seeing a friendship unravel. Other hardships are far more severe. Two out of 10 children in the United States live in poverty. More than 2.5 million kids have a parent in jail, and many endure serious illness, neglect, abuse or homelessness. We know that the trauma from experiences like these can last a lifetime; extreme harm and deprivation can impede a child’s intellectual, social, emotional and academic progress. As a society, we owe all our children safety, support, opportunity and help finding a way forward.

We can start by showing children that they matter. Sociologists define “mattering” as the belief that other people notice you, care about you and rely on you. It’s the answer to a vital question that all children ask about their place in the world starting as toddlers, and continuing into and beyond adolescence: Do I make a difference to others?

When the answer is no, kids feel rejected and alone. They become more prone to self-destructive (“Hurting myself isn’t a big deal, since I don’t count anyway”) and antisocial behaviors (“I might be doing something bad, but at least I’ve got your attention”). Others withdraw.

Not long ago, a friend picked up her son from a summer day camp and found him beaming with pride that he’d finished the robot he’d spent two days building. The next morning, he returned to find his robot had been destroyed: Bullies had taken only his apart--and then told him that he was worthless. After that day, his mother watched him sink into a spiral of anxiety and depression. Even when he went back to school in the fall, she recalled, “he’d put on his hoodie and sit in the back, in his own world.”

As parents, we sometimes feel helpless because it’s impossible to solve our children’s problems. In those situations, we can still provide support by “companioning”--walking alongside them and listening.

One afternoon, I sat down with my kids to write out “family rules” to remind us of the coping mechanisms we would need. We wrote together that it’s O.K. to be sad and to take a break from any activity to cry. It’s O.K. to be happy and laugh. It’s O.K. to be angry and jealous of friends and cousins who still have fathers. It’s O.K. to say to anyone that we do not want to talk about it now. And it’s always O.K. to ask for help. The poster we made that day--with the rules written by my kids in colored markers--still hangs in our hall so we can look at it every day. It reminds us that our feelings matter and that we are not alone.

Dave and I had a tradition at the dinner table with our kids in which each of us would share the best and worst moments of our day. Giving children undivided attention--something we all know is important but often fail to do--is another of the key steps toward building their resilience. My children and I have continued this tradition, and now we also share something that makes us feel grateful to remind ourselves that even after loss, there is still so much to appreciate in life.

For my friend’s son whose robot was destroyed, a turning point came when one of his former teachers got in touch to see how he was doing and started spending time with him every week. She encouraged him to reach out to other kids and make friends, then followed up, reinforcing each step he took. She cared. He mattered. When a new kid started at the school, the teacher encouraged them to get together, and the friendship took. “It made such a difference for a teacher to take an interest in him and a friend to bond with him,” his mom said. “It was like the sun came out in our house.”

Since my children were so young when they lost their father, I am afraid that their memories of him will fade, and this breaks my heart all over again. Adam and I also learned that talking about the past can build resilience. When children grow up with a strong understanding of their family’s history--where their grandparents grew up, what their parents’ childhoods were like--they have better coping skills and a stronger sense of mattering and belonging. Jamie Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas, has found that expressing painful memories can be uncomfortable in the moment, but improves mental and even physical health over time.

To keep Dave’s memory alive, I asked dozens of his closest family members, friends and colleagues to capture their stories about him on video. I also taped my children sharing their own memories, so that as they grow up, they will know which are truly theirs. This past Thanksgiving my daughter was distraught, and when I got her to open up, she told me, “I’m forgetting Daddy because I haven’t seen him for so long.” We watched the video of her talking about him, and it gave her some comfort.

Talking openly about memories--not just positive ones, but difficult ones, too--can help kids make sense of their past and rise to future challenges. It’s especially powerful to share stories about how the family sticks together through good times and bad, which allows kids to feel that they are connected to something larger than themselves. Studies show that giving all members of the family a chance to tell their version builds self-esteem, particularly for girls. And making sure to integrate different perspectives into a coherent story builds a sense of control, particularly for boys.

A friend of mine who lost his mother when he was young told me that over time, she no longer seemed real. People were either afraid to mention her or spoke of her in idealized terms. My hope is to hold on to Dave as he really was: loving, generous, brilliant, funny and also pretty clumsy. He would spill things constantly yet was always somehow shocked when he did.

Now, when emotions are running high in our house, but my son stays calm, I tell him, “You are just like your daddy.” When my daughter stands up for a classmate who is getting picked on, I say, “Just like your daddy.” And when either of them knocks a glass over, I say it, too.