#i am horribly bad at talking to people i dont like repeating myself i dont shoe emotions very well i absolutely have rsd and pda and man.

[wall-eye]

Sometimes I'm like 'idk if I should call myself autistic, I might just have anxiety' but then something happens and I go oh yeah no that's probably it

[bwbawa]

hello, so I'm questioning if I'm autistic so i can reach out for a diagnosis maybe, and i saw another person do this so i wanted to try it out

i wrote a list of some of the things i think that are autistic traits about me and if anyone would like to please read them and tell me if they could be autism or maybe smth else? lol, just as a big favour really. I'll give more context if any is needed, thanks so much!!

also please reblog for reach if you want to, thank you

ts bellow the cut :]

- stimming ( twirling and braiding hair, used to suck on my own hair as a kid, rocking back and forth, doing ??? weird stuff with ny mouth and fingers lol, moving legs a lot)

- echolalia; internal, repeating phrases and songs on my head, but also doing sounds with my mouth

- always feeling like an outsider. This wasn't bad for me as a kid since i was very into creepypastas and media related to being an outcast, i never related it to something bad until adolescence which im still in, and I'm more insecure now about it.

- also, very extroverted as a kid, didn't get social cues and was offensive sometimes

- couldn't and still can't control my strength very well ( sometimes things fall out of my hands or i touch someone harder than i wanted to)

- sensitive skin, to heat cold and pain

- very talkative, as a baby was LITERALLY born babbling

- not good at eye contact, either do way too much or way too little

- terrible at maths (jst not logical to me??? dk how people find them logical )

- kinda restrictive interests but no special interests

- very picky as a child, fav foods were salted noodles with ketchup or by themselves. ( still can't stand some foods and mixing some foods together )

- horrible coordination and balance: didn't learn to tie my shoes correctly, how to ride a bike or how to swim, i bought wheelies and cant use them because my balance is horrible, i run weird (like a baby kind of) and I'm always stumbling on my own feet

- again, didn't learn some stuff until grown: didn't know how to shower correctly or make my bed ( could be due to being very taken care of as a kid, aka my mom didn't let me do stuff by myself )

- terrible spacial awareness: again, stumbling with my own feet, waddling like a penguin when i walk with my friends lol

- bad perception of time

- got upset when things didn't go my way

- ran away when kids were being too loud but didn't mind big performances loud spaces

loud THUDS or sudden noises however startle me, scare me and stress me out: was and still am kind of afraid of balloons, shouting people and loud thuds. As a baby i cried when someone spoke too loudly

- lately I'm much more sensitive to stimuli than i was, could be due to heightened stress in my life: badly done beds make me want to cry, crumbs on the bed feel like hell, heat and sweating are hell, some months ago i cried because my sunglasses and headphones weren't working and there were too many sounds, my head it hurted and everything felt wrong, sent me into a kind of crisis.

- don't think I'm overly empathetic, but i have a strong sense of justice and get very upset and ill about injustices.

related to that, movies and shows that require a lot of stress i don't like, they make me feel ill and i prefer spoilers when it's like that, i get too nervous.

- socially awkward and don't know how to keep conversations going, at least small talk.

- although i used to talk a lot, nowadays i prefer to stay quiet sometimes.

- i get VERY angry and frustrated but it goes away kind of quickly?

-i used to be very loud and I still dont know how to control my tone of voice ( how loud or quiet i am) and i spoke in a very high pitched voice as a child

- i used to read a lot, went to the library in the recess instead of hanging out all the time with kids and used some complicated words that my parents didn't know i knew

- all my life i only had one close friend ( not the same, but always one)

- i think i had a specific routine of morning

- i have a hard time concentrating and being organized

- i make plans for myself in the night and get upset when OTHERS interrupt it but not when i do

- hard time knowing when to pee and when to eat

- again sensory issues, some foods make me want to puke, and wet, sticky or extremely dry hands are disgusting. Also, light touches feel like anger.

- as a kid I repeatedly watched stuff, ended up boring my family because i only wanted to watch that multiple times

- sensory seeker as a kid kind of, slept with my feet up, danced a lot (stimming?)

-i get irritated easily and can hurt people verbally

- don't know if related but i sometimes very anxious, get upset about not saying goodbye correctly to certain people, as a kid i used to cry and didnt want to go to school because of a "bad feeling" that smth bad was gonna happen, could be anxiety.

i absolutely sure there's more, but I don't wanna keep typing

just to finish, most of my circle is neurodivergent. And family wise, my sister is audhd, one cousin and uncle are autistic, my mom has adhd and two of my cousins are suspected autistic.

[lavendergalactic]

+ young sheldon !! i love talking about young sheldon pls talk about something related to it in reps i beg of thee

OHH IM SOOO GLAD YOU ASKED!! HERE IS MY BIG INFO DUMP ON SHELDON AND AUTISM:

you know i actually started watching young sheldon then i decided to watch the big bang theory while locket catches up to where im at, but now i am watching the entirety of the big bang theory first and then rewatching young sheldon to get the whole experience because watching tbbt just makes young sheldon so much more exciting

be warned, LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF YAPPING UP AHEAD LMAO (also i am only up to season 5 of the big bang and season 4 of young sheldon)

i see so much of myself into sheldon cooper 😭 we are on a very similar part of the autism spectrum (except im not a savant like he is) and yes, i'm saying sheldon cooper is autistic, at first glance you might think "but lavender, sheldon cooper is an autistic stereotype!" here is where i'm going to say "yes, but also no!"

yes sheldon is a white guy and a savant who loves trains, which is a stereotype, but let me tell you something.. autism is a spectrum and with it being a spectrum- you're going to get guys like sheldon cooper LMAO

a common harmful stereotype is "autistic people have low empathy / don't have any empathy" but the reality is that autistic people DO have empathy, it's just that they don't show it in a way allistic people will notice or understand, therefore the stereotype: you can easily apply this to sheldon, a lot of people think he has no empathy but there are many moments where he does, in the big bang theory you can see he clearly cares for his friends and amy and in young sheldon you can see he cares for his family and paige and tam etc! (take the hot beverage thing he has as an example) it's just that he doesn't show it in a way allistic people would. and i think it's really nice that they added that to sheldon cooper's writing, i think that's really incredible that they wrote him like that and didn't put that harmful stereotype on him

another harmful stereotype of autism is "autistic people can't fall in love" and all i have to say to that is:

which totally debunks that really popular stereotype, if sheldon cooper is an autism stereotype, then he's not a horrible bad representation, he still is treated like a normal human being but with special needs which is great to see especially in an early 2000s show

yes sheldon adds onto the "autism is only in white guys" stereotype, but be mindful that sheldon cooper was created in the early 2000s where there really wasn't much autism research and sheldon would have been called "aspergers" too, which is a very outdated term. and i'm saying this because back then all research was done on white little boys so there's really not much we can change about that except for make more autism rep in media with poc and women so it's not just white men :3

it would be lovely if there was really great autism rep in the early 2000s but we dont live in a perfect world 😭 autism is still new and still being researched as we speak, and only now we're getting better autism representation in media which is perfect! and i need to see more!!!!!!!

with the "but he's OCD" thing, yes i can see OCD traits in him but to me he's more autistic, and did you know OCD traits can lap over into autism a lot as well?? i actually got misdiagnosed with OCD before getting diagnosed with autism, that's how much they overlap. and that makes me self insert into sheldon even more because so many people think he's OCD when no he's just autistic with a fear of germs and a big dislike of physical touch

"what about his knocking ritual?" yes he HAS to do it to feel comfortable ("*knock, knock, knock [name]" and repeat three times) but thats his only ritual he is shown to do and it's not like he thinks anything irrational is going to happen if he doesnt do it, autistic people like routine and show repetitive behaviour (it's yet another OCD/autism trait overlap me thinks)

i see so much of my younger self in young sheldon and so much of my current self in older sheldon it's actually so crazy, his need of having a spot on the couch, being really upset when things turn out unlike he expected, being pretty blunt and not thinking things through, self inserting heavily into fictional characters etc i really do think he's autistic because he has many of my autistic traits

i really cannot believe not many people are talking about this, they just bring up the fact he "has OCD" because amy said he has a single trait of it and because he has a fear of germs

and when i try look for more people talking about sheldon with autism everyone brings up the repeating gag of when he says "my mother had me tested, and i'm not crazy" but let me tell you something about that, mary in tbbt said "but i do regret not going to that specialist" in season 5 or 4 i think idk.. which means that was probably only one test and they actually wanted to do more but mary didn't do it since i'm guessing she doesn't want her son to be "crazy" (which she would have a lot of internalized abelism ofc 😭 she's an old christian texan)

about mary cooper, i think she also has autism too actually! or at least that's the side of the family sheldon got his autism from since autism is genetic, that's why she knows so much about sheldon's needs and really connects with it and understands it. she has moments in young sheldon which makes me think "hm this is giving high masking for your whole life autism..."

this is going on for way too long im sorry hELP ... uhh i also thing raj is gay, amy is autistic too, and leonard has BPD 😋 even though you asked for young sheldon all i can really think is "sheldon with autism"

i could probably keep going if you were talking to me and this'll end up being an hour long info dump but i think i'll leave it here for now

[ineffablecolors]

hey just wondering why you think Roy reuniting w Keeley post s3 would’ve been bad for him? I sort of agree but also don’t want to bash keeley in anyway so I haven’t talked about it

Heya! Thanks for the ask and sorry you feel like you can't discuss something though I do understand why. I'll preface this by repeating something I've said before - canon did such a horrible job of holding Keeley accountable for anything and wrote her as if she could do no wrong and fandom seems to have picked that up and totally ran with it.

I do love that when reading RoyJamie fanfic, I never see Keeley bashing, as you call it, because vilifying female chatacters is such common practice in fandoms. But Ted Lasso fandom seems to swing to the other extreme where I've never even read a fic where Keeley apologises for something? And you can't even quite blame the fans, they just picked what canon put down - Keeley can do no wrong.

So, first of all, I think simply judging Keeley's actions is not bashing at all, it's just treating her the way every character BUT her is treated in both fandom and show. I think Keeley, like almost every other character, has made plenty of bad decisions and mistakes and, personally, how I react to them is a mix of how well I can relate to her and something else. Jack, for example, was a very professionally questionable decision but I completely sympathise with Keeley for it because 1) she faced consequences for her mistake even if it's never acknowledged that she made one and 2) I can relate to it! Hiring Shandy on the other hand was such a monumentally stupid decision that I could never relate to, so it just makes me annoyed with Keeley and the fact that the show treated it as her just being too sweet and wanting to give another horribly unqualified woman a chance rather than as a point towards her lack of professional skills.

Anyway!! The something else is important for my answer. As much as I love discussing my favourite shows and try to be objective, I very rarely am. Once I pick a favourite character, my opinion of almost every other character is informed by how they treat my favouriteTM. Is that fair? No. Do I do it without fail? Yes. Do I feel bad for it? Umm, no, that's my baby, nobody is allowed to be mean to them xD

And this is how we get to the Roy Kent of it all (finally! christ, this is gonna be long, sorry but also thanks!). Roy's my favourite, my baby, my grumpy, old, emotionally constipated and physically aching romantic. Roy can and has done wrong, I'd never claim otherwise. But I'd still claim he's the best chatacter and one of the best people on the show. And he's always gonna put himself last on his list of priorities.

Which is why I fully admit that I judge Keeley extra harshly when it comes to her and Roy. For brief context - I totally shipped Roy and Keeley and think they were good for each other, for the most part, in s1, I was ecstatic they were together in s2 and still shipped them like hell on my first watch (which was binged with s1!) and less and less on every consequent rewatch, part of me still wanted them to be together and then to get back together in s3 until I actually watched it all and completely changed my mind.

Shall I finally answer your question? I don't think Roy should reunite with Keeley because he gives too much of himself and she gives too little. I don't believe they are well balanced and I dont believe he'd feel loved with her again.

That WAS brief! But if you'd like more detail...

I think as sweet and good-hearted as she's portraited, Keeley is inherently a selfish person. Now, we circle back to bashing and judging. I'm doing neither. I'm myself a selfish person in many ways, that's not the worst thing to be in some regards. But I think Keeley is especially selfish in her romantic relationships and that simply does not suit someone like Roy. When paired with a selfish partner, Roy would just give and give and blame himself for not getting as much back.

I'm not saying there haven't been some great moments between Roy and Keeley, full of affection and care from Keeley, such as the scene at the end of s1. That's probably my favourite moment of theirs. But there have been some pretty shit ones too that for me outweigh the good and, more importantly, came once they settle into the relationship.

As early as their first kiss, Keeley got so annoyed and impatient, she immediately slept with Jamie. I know the show took it as an opportunity to have a kinda feminist moment but can you picture that turned around? Roy and Keeley kiss after tons of flirting and build up, and the day after Roy sleeps with a girl Keeley has a proper (however childish) feud with just cuz she told him she was busy that night. That would've never been fine. Again, I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm saying it's the response of a person who only cares about what they want and doesn't plan for the future.

Then, we have the infamous "Roy is a fridge magnet" episode which I still can't wrap my mind around so gimme a sec here. Your boyfriend is too into you, is perfect (by Keeley's own words) but not giving you the space you haven't asked for. So, instead of talking to him - don't even get me started on people writing Keeley as a character who's good as communicating - girl, where?? - you talk about it to his boss, a bunch of his coworkers and your ex who has an antagonistic relationship with him, and eventually as you're spending time together and he's trying to share one of his interests with you, you start screaming bloody murder at him about how clingy he is. Do I have that all correct? All of this would have been forgivable ofc, miscommunication happens, people aren't perfect, etc, etc, expect... forgiveness was asked by the wrong person. What on earth did Roy have to apologise for? This is the #1 example for me of that show trying so hard to make Keeley a perfect sunshine girl boss that they made 0 narrative or even logical sense. Honestly I hate that whole episode with a fiery passion.

Then we have the funeral shenanigans, which I won't even get into because I think Roy was 100% hilarious in that and Keeley was 100% overreacting (and yes, that's a heavy term to use towards a woman but here's the thing... she was). I guess this would be a good place to talk about their ILYs as well. Roy's ILYs always come with an acknowledgement of Keeley's feelings and his own fault for hurting them in anyway. Keeley's first ILY though has absolutely nothing to do with Roy. She's happy about her own success and he's celebrating her. That's it. That's the first time we see her say I love you. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Roy's aren't better but I think that just proves why he couldn't be happy with Keeley. Every time he's said ILY, it's been tinged with sadness and guilt and self-incrimination. Why would I want him to be with someone who constantly inspires those feelings in him?

This is now definitely too long so I'll try to wrap up with s3 very quickly and mainly the fact that the episode Keeley is drinking alone in the pub is one of the only ones where Keeley faces consequence for her actions (in this case, sleeping with her boss - again, not something I blame or begrudge her for but also something she should've probably considered can get her funding pulled when it ends, see: never thinking about the future (and why I don't see Keeley being successful without people like Barbara or Rebecca but thats a different topic)). Keeley responds to being made to face the music by using Roy to make herself feel better. I'm sorry but there's no other interpretation of their hook up for me. He's just read her a very heartfelt apology, ending with another guilt ridden ILY and then he was leaving. Except she chased him down, not to say it back ofc, but to use him for sex.

Thanks, I hate it.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I think Roy was right to break up with Keeley. Not because she's not a great catch and not because there was anything wrong with her being successful or needing time for herself but because they're not right for each other. Roy is too selfless and ready to blame himself for everything and Keeley is too focused on herself and ready to take advantage of that.

Roy is the kind of romantic that would tell his cabbie to date his wife and compose a playlist for the girlfriend who treated him horribly yesterday. He's the kind of guy that's had to bottle up all his emotions forever and never talks about himself with people and has had his fucking watch stolen by his fucking hook ups. He deserves someone *cough*Jamie*cough* who is absolutely obsessed with him! Who will appreciate the things he does for them and the time he spends with them rather than take them for granted at best and be annoyed at worst. Who will make him feel like he's been struck by lightning! He deserve someone who cares about his feeling and frankly, in season 3 at least, I don't think that's Keeley or should be again.

[antiradqueer]

i left the rq community for a lot of reasons but i keep seeing anti-rqs post stuff like "if you're proud of your paras or like them or are okay with them AT ALL or pursue ANY form of recovery besides being silent about it forever + not ever telling anyone or curing your paras and becoming ~pure and morally correct~ you're literally a radqueer and are just as bad as people who support csa and bestiality"

i've also seen a lot of "all groomers are pedos and should be murdered and killed for being pedos and if you don't want all pedos to be murdered and killed then kys you're literally pro-c pro-abuse pro-grooming pro-radqueer" which like... idk it feels weird to be so supportive of hating someone exclusively for having a disorder and treating the actual abuse as an afterthought that doesn't matter compared to them being a ~scary pedo~, especially when it comes across as treating all MAPs as inherently disgusting and horrible and ~impure~ and ~sinful~. a lot of MAPs are victims of grooming/csa themselves so it feels especially weird, like it's a repeat of "narc abuse" shit (demonizing traumatized people and acting like they're forever doomed to be the worst people on earth because of a disorder they can't control - i've even seen people word for word repeat all the "don't control how survivors talk about their trauma!! if they want to demonize innocent people, let them or you're a horrible person!!!" bullshit "narc abuse" truthers spread)

i'd be more active in the anti-radqueer community but i feel extremely unsafe knowing that if i ever mention i'm a map and i'm proud of myself for not acting on my attraction and not hurting anyone, i'll be treated as just as bad as people who groomed me into believing that abuse is okay and i'll be sent death threats and harassed just like they are

i don't want to go back to the radqueer community because it's awful and i don't support the majority of the shit they see as acceptable but it's literally the only place where i won't get told to die because i don't absolutely hate myself and hide my attraction every second of every day if that makes sense? i hate how the community is so predominantly pro-c/pro-grooming because i'm not any of that but what am i even supposed to do if i can't go *anywhere* without being hated and outcasted for something that doesn't hurt anyone and i can't control

i dont have a response for this one

[strawberry-tv]

strawberrys thoughts >:3 also a long rant qwq

TW:TALK ABOUT ABUSE/BAD STUFF LIKE THAT AND HOW IT TOO COMMONLY ROMANTICIZED IN MEDIA AND CW?:TALKING ABOUT CRINGE AND SHIPPING(that all i cans think of :3)

I believe in do what you want online as long as it doesnt hurt you or others be as cringe as you want while staying safe make that cringe fanfic,drawing or post, get that tattoo do your makeup the way you want even if it seems cringe ship that ship even if it considered cringe or disliked in it fandom as long as you arent hurting anyone and it not normalizing/romantizing bad stuff it okay in my thoughts :3

Anyways

Lets talk about the somewhat romantialization(is that even the right word? qwq) and somewhat normaliztion of abuse/harmful things in media(normally books) that is normally ignored when talked about how fiction affects reality also this is all my thoughts and going to drop the emoticons :[

If we want a way of showing how fiction can affect reality, it is best to look at most romances. Media abuse or predatory relationships are sadly way too commonly seen as romantic, which has caused them to become normalized and seen as desirable or hot. Yes, you may not want said relationship, but you are still romanticizing it. Am I saying people who read or watch these TV shows are the devil? No, do I think the maker is? No, but yes, kind of? I find them actively in a way normalize extremely horrible things, and trying to pass it off as lovely, dovey, and oh so romantic is horrible when it shows them abusing their partner or stalking said love interest, or shows us an age gap that may be legal but is morally wrong, or it just straight up up illegal, and no, it doesn't matter if it's 17x14; it's still creepy. one has just started high school and the other one is about to finish it and one of the worst case of this type of stuff is in romance books that shows straight up abuse and no no stuff happening and it being passed off as "romantic" and "s*xy" and seemed to normally be seen the same way from most readers and it not seen as bad in the writing nor is it ever writen where whats happening is actally not romantizing it and the few that may have a person fight for the love interest that person is shown as insane and getting between 2 love birds or if the love interest staying up for themselves they are victim blamed and their aduser is babied by the characters i also hate how stalking protracted in some media and making it seem "cutesy" or "romantic" when it not nor should it be viewed like that ,producer/maker and most of the fans do as well and fans ether ignore it or defend it with victim blaming or by babying the abuser i am so tried of people not ever talking about this when talking about whether or not fiction affects reality as this shows how fiction can affect reality in it purest form also sorry if this sounds like me just repeating myself so I will stop here though might come back to this subject someday and probably if asked will make a posts for videos to watch if you want a deep dive on this.

(i recommend looking for videos about this as it will probably be able to go in depth about this topic :3)

I dont hate proshippers/profiction nor do i hate antis or am i anti anti

me and tv share morals in believing that “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” and  It means that the freedom to exercise one's rights ends at the point at which the exercise of that right harms another.(gots this from googles UWU)

-🐶🍓

[b0nemilk]

And I cried to him

“Babe I’m really depressed”

*burst into tears*

If I’m being honest with myself I haven’t felt very mentally secure recently

Which scares me because as far as I told myself recently is “im okay” or “nothing bad has happened yet” but in my quiet mind my thoughts race my body is gaining the depression weight I can’t hide from myself anymore. I can’t seem to feel silly or be outgoing like I used to. Even in a new place people seem uninteresting. When I see them Commune I can’t seem to shake the unfulfilled mess I felt about desperately wanting a friend group or waiting for the idea of me laughing with a group of girls trotting down the street arms interlocked. A world where the idea of having another persons skin touching me wasn’t uncomfortable with me or where physical touch wasn’t excruciating unless it wasn’t platonic. I wish I could go get my hair done without me hating the feeling of someone’s finger tips on my scalp. GET AWAY FROM ME I SCREAM. Have I changed since I last met myself? I remember loving posting silly pictures or videos of myself. Or taking a picture of myself I spent hours on my make up for to feel beautiful. Now I’m natural and I can unquestionably announce that minimal amounts of makeup don’t scare me anymore. Sure I’ve gotten used to my face naturally or maybe I’m in a relationship where being shaved 24/7 and wearing flattering or trendy clothes doesn’t matter anymore. But now I HATE THE WAY I look . Is it some deep psychological thing where I’m seeing a Natural version of myself stripping away all the modifications I’ve given myself is actually a issue ? I’ve gained weight stopped wearing as much make up and idk I guess It’s like “what your supposed to do to the journey of self love “ love YOURSELF right well . I do see it , I haven’t died my hair in months soon I’m sure people will start seeing my blonde roots , I’m so scared to go clothes shopping , and I’m terrified of weighing myself cuz my body has changed to . I still want to be the dark haired skinny girl who a man would want to pick up and protect not just a man I want the world to want to protect me agian. Idk I feel like I should talk to a therapist. I have a lot of unprocessed trauma which I feel by the looks of me isn’t hard to guess life is getting really hard agian but it’s only hard in my head. Sometimes I feel like anyone takes me seriously because I’m always irl actually really grotesque and doing weird things or saying outrageous and “not lady like things “ but maybe it’s just because I never felt pretty like a princess or recognized in the society gaze I was always “bigger” or “gruff” or “a really funny Person” i KNOW IM WEIrED I KNOW SOMTIMIMES I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIT IN I KNOW SOMETIMES I DO WEIRD THINGS AND I KNOW I MOVE AWKWARLDY. I KNOW MY POSTURE IS HORROBLE I KNOW IM NOT ENTISING UNLESS YOU THINK “I CAN FIX HER” I KNOW IT I KNOW IT I KNOW IT. Now I have everything I want. Why is it I still feel so far away from life. Why can’t I look at myself anymore . I why don’t I still have friends even when I had the chance of a fresh slate. I feel horrible for telling my boyfriend how I have been feeling I know he only wants to help but I feel So dumb saying these things. You can only repeat yourself a number of times before you , yourself even starts feeling crazy . I know I only have to be hopeful and take it day by day but god am I wishing for some encouragement by some Devine force to tell me not for much longer

[halfusek]

I saw your reblog of the Squid Game analysis and I was just wondering...Are you okay with communism/socialist ideologies? I mean, you're a commie/socialist yourself? Of yes, why? Don't mean to be rude or anything, it's just a genuine question

well! i think that post is pretty self explanatory? i dunno if you read it but it explains a few things that suck about capitalism that are portrayed in the show (because squid game is criticism of capitalism)

i really see myself as more of a centrist if you can even say something like that truly exist: most politicians swing to the right, what's called "the left" is usually something less right or centrist, at least from what i've observed in countries where i'm more familiar with politics

i actually had/have a pretty hard time talking about modern "communism" and socialism because i come from a country that got really traumatized by soviets and communism by extension so i've basically always associated it negatively but i try to be more open minded

i don't wanna dedicate myself to praising any sort of system, i want to be critical and see what's good or bad about each of them

i personally really dislike when people put up communism/socialism on a pedestal because from the history of my country i know very well its not perfect and in fact you can use that system for horrible terrible things too so when people don't think critically of it that makes me really worried history may repeat itself someday

(and if someone denies soviets doing anything wrong then i hope they get hit by a car </3 i've seen/heard of asinine takes like that)

also i'm not at all comfortable with using ussr imageries (even just in memes), they make me feel in similiar ways seeing nazi imageries does

like would it really be so hard for socialist to use a different flag and symbols haha people were tortured and killed and terrorized in the name of this one but whatever that's not what you're asking me about i just wanted to put it out somewhere

capitalism did help the situation in my country after it was freed from the influence of ussr so i dont and cannot think that its straight up evil

that made it also kinda hard for me for a while to be critical of capitalism and think positively of socialist ideas but i've been trying to educate myself, i talked to various people who have different views and my horizons got broader

so yes capitalism is flawed and socialism isnt perfect but it surely has a lot of good ideas that can improve our quality of life and its not like capitalism doesnt have fucked up past and well present

i take one look at america and its clear to me that it needs more socialist ideas there, like... god free healthcare just should be everywhere. period. i cant imagine being afraid to call an ambulance because of a huge bill that would come after

so i guess my position is complex haha? but yep i am okay with those and i think a lot of them are very good, its just that the image of socialism was pretty demonized because of the past

countries like the scandinavian ones implement plenty of socialist ideas and they are doing great and ive lived in one and i was amazed at how easy it is to just function as a citizen there

i'm being there a bit more honest than i should maybe but i think we should try to explain and conversate calmly about these topics, especially that i myself would get just angry at a mere mention of socialism few years ago because of the way i was raised and the politics i was mainly familiar with sooo maybe my progress on getting better with being critical of systems like that can help someone else idk

i know past me definitely would have used that instead of hearing "capitalism evil" or "communism evil" only all the time without no further (calm) elaboration lol

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[sharkiethrts]

i am so sorry, but with the panic attack request i sent, can you please remove the conflict and the thing that triggers them? its a subject that i am finally ending for myself. can the topic just be about panic attacks, anxiety, depression all caused by unhealthy mental repeatings of bad experiences when the time has passed but they still repeat the feelings and patterns when the period of time comes around the next years? please, and thank you so much, i will be fine but i cant forgive myself and i am really unhealthy. please do not be too concerned because this is a mess i made and i failed to clean up, i never mean to hurt people but i am immature and make myself a horrible, cruel person. i am so sorry that this is a lot and it is very sensitive, i shouldnt even be dwelling on this because it just exaggerates my problem but i really just need reassurance and assistance in improvement and maintaining balance- whether its through therapy or comfort.

It's alright! I'll do just that!

and btw lovely

u ok?

and you cant ask someone to not be concerned for you >:( ,,,,, because you matter a lot. a LOT. a whole lot. like a big loaf of bread <33333

and you deserve to be cared for.

i'm gonna like just give you a virtual hug ykyk <3<33333333

and you mentioned about feeling like a horrible person, i cant say "omg youre not horrible", cause i dont know you. but it sounds like youre working on urself?? Like AYOOO yes bestie lesgo!!! Slayyyy!!! get the comfort and reassurance you deserve and need!

but fr tho

keep breathing, keep going. i dont know what youre going through but it sounds hella tough wtf :(((

and if you ever, like EVER need help, or anything like that. im here.

you sound like really need that rn. and you really deserve that no matter what you do. even if you murdered someone, made someone sad- you deserve comfort. periodt.

if u ever need support, whether anomalously or not, im here. even if my requests are off, it doesnt mean talking to me isnt a choice :D

i hope youre ok

im so sorry for being so late for you

gosh i hope youre still here

have a wonderful day, night or evening :D

[arthurflecksgirl]

Nothing but clowns /Arthurs POV

My version of the scene when Arthur watches the news on tv

Making food for mum is always a bit complicated. Much to think of, because there are always two questions: Should I put some sleeping pills in her oath meal or not? And if yes how many? I check and notice that I am running out of meds. Shit.

The plan for today is:

Visiting Dr Kane, going to the pharmacy afterwards and then go to Pogos.

Today`s not a usual visit at the comedy club. Today will be my day! I will tell my own jokes up on stage. I`m no longer the lonely man sitting alone on his table with a glass of water in the middle of the room. I will be the star up there and people will have a good laugh. Even Sophie. And I just know she will be there to see me. I hope she will get my humor- I`m sure she does because she was digging it in the elevator- and maybe she`ll like me even more afterwards. I would love to leave Pogos together, take her out on a date, have a coffee or something. Talking about how I write my jokes and what inspires me to write them. How it feels like when funny thoughts cross my mind and how much of it is hard work and how much just comes to me. Maybe she`ll be interested in that after watching my performance. Interested in me. I`ve heard that humor is important in a relationship and that woman prefer men with a good sense of humor. So maybe I will have a chance after all.

I dont hesitate to take the last two sleeping pills and crash them to mix it in my mother`s bowl. No way I would give her the chance to ruin my afternoon. Everything is planned out and I know she would freak or do something unexpected as soon as she watches me leaving the house all dressed up. She would make a big scene as soon as I`m coming home after a long night out. And I just don`t have the nerves to deal with her shit. Besides that, it`s not good for her health to get all excited or angry about something. So a little sleep will help us both.She`ll be all save and sleepy when I come home, not a worry on her mind about where her son might have been.

"Happy look, Thomas Wayn`s on TV" My mothers voice echoes through the living room. her voice always feels like an echo to me. Because its always the same words filling the room, over and over again. Crashing against the heavy walls  without a sound but her thin voice .

"Happy Happy Happy. Thomas Wayne. " Two words that make my ears bleed in one sentence. How does she do that? It`s getting worse. Her voice just makes me feel bad sometimes. I really do care about mum a lot but some days I feel triggered by her talking and I don`t know why. Its like she says something and I immediately feel like I should eighter crawl under a blanked and hide or punsh a fucking wall.

"Yes mother!" I try not to sound annyoed. Not that she would ever notice if I was. Or hurt. She never does. Mum would have made a common therapist. Just sitting there, repeating the same three sentences for years while looking right through you.

Mum as a therapist would be like:

"Thomas Wayne will be major soon. How does that make you feel? Thomas Wayne does have some enemies lately. Does that change your own opinion on him? Did you noticed how skinny you are? Thomas Wayne gained some weight instead of losing it . How do you feel about that?  Are you sad today, Happy? "

And of course all my answers would also echo through the room. Unheard and without making a sound while crashing through the windows. Breaking glass. And I would cut myself on that glass. Over and over again. And Penny would call the doctors,telling them I tried to hurt myself again. Not realizing that she was the one hurting me.

My answer to her questions would be "Happy was always sad. Every minute of his life. How does that make you feel?"

I get the bowl and crush the rest of the pills. My wet hair is sticking to my neck. I`m freezing a little bit while wearing my PJ  pants only . It`s always cold in here. This apartment represents peoples hearts.

"They`re asking him about those horrible subway murders" she says.

What? Oh my god. This caughts my attention. Now I notice that I wasnt paying attention to the news for the whole time. Somehow it didnt cross my mind that there will be something about me on the news anytime soon. I was wrong!

They thank Wayne for being here, in these difficult times. Difficult for who? For him?  As if he would care about what happened or about anyone who isn`t like him. As if some dead guys on the subway would effect him personally. Does he know what it means to have a difficult life at all? I`m aware of the fact that money doesnt solve all problems. I dont even think about money. I think about so many other things Thomas does have and he is nothing but an arrogant prick about, Looking down on others.

I leave the kitchen and make my way to the couch "Why him?" I ask, placing her bowl of food on the table.

Why is Thomas the one talking about the three dead guys anyway?

"Look like he gained weight" .

I knew she would ignore my question and care about his looks instead. Seriously, sometimes I get the feeling like she has a crush on him or something. There must be a reason for her fixation on this man.

"Yes all three worked for Wayne investments. Good, decent, educated."

So thats why he is talking about them.  All about the money, Wayne huh? I run my fingers through my hair, getting nervous.

"Although I didnt know any of them personally, like all Wayne employees, past and present. They`re family."

There he said it. He didnt even knew them. He`s just using them to make it seem like he cares.

The tv screen shows three photos. Each one of them a face of the subway guys. It feels strange to see them now after I killed them. My memory of their faces slightly differ but I remember what they did and how it felt.  My mind is racing, all over the place. Memories of their evil laughter. Flashbacks of the pain they caused me. Physically and emotionally. Their photos might look innocent but I know what kinda guys they were. I experienced and wittnessed it. But what does Wayne know? Or the tv guy? Nothing. No one was watching them while they almost kicked me to death. I was alone. I`m always alone.

"Did you hear that I told you we`re family" my mum says.

"Shhhh shhh shhh!" I want her to shut up. I just cant stand her voice right now. Especially not now. She really does think Thomas thinks of us as family because she worked for him decades ago. I can`t listen to this. Its getting all too much. The only voice I have to listen to right now is the guy on tv. I take a deep drag of my cigarette. It feels like breathing is getting harder. Something is going on. Not just inside of me but in this city. In the world. And it started with me. Am I the center of something? The beginning or the end? Am I everything at once? Does someone notice its me?

"There now seems to b a groundsweel of ani rich sentiment of the city. Its almost as if the less fortunate resitends are talking the side of the killer".

Thomas talks about how much of a shame this is and that this is one of the reasons why he is running for major. Gotham lost its way.

Oh you notice now? Where have you been all these years?

Its hard. So hard to watch peoples ignorance and how they use things to make themself stand in a better light. A light of lies.

They now ask him whats up with the eye wittness report of the suspect being a man in a clown mask.

Now the walls are closing in on me. I`m terrified but at the same time I am not. Unsure of how I feel I smoke my cig, not being able to blink while starring at the tv screen. This moment feels so much more like a daydream than so many dreams did. Is this truly happening? Are they really taling about a murder a did on the news? Is this my first time ever being on tv? Well, I gotta be honest here I always thought my first time on tv would be a lot different. But here I am.

So seems like there was someone wittnessing it. I should be worried now. I should freak and I know that. But what is bugging me much more is the fact that Thomas Wayne says "It makes total sense to me, because what kind of coward would do something that cold blooded? Someone who hides behind a mask. Someone who is envious of tose more fortunate than themselves. That the`re too scared to show they`re own face."

Thats it. Thats when I lose it. I`m trying not to let it show because of mum sitting in the same room with me but it`s hard. I`m good at hiding my feelings in front of her or in front of anyone in general but this is too much. The news are making a total different  story out of this, As if I was hiding behind a mask to go out an kill people. It was self defense for gods sake. I was wearing that damn clown make up because I was on my way home from work. Some shitty bullies started to attack a man in a clwon costume and now they are making him the bad guy? This is sick.

I never cared about money. I just wanted to have enough to take care of mum and be able to pay rent. Even my dreams about being famous were never about being rich. It was about being seen and loved.  But what do they know?

I thought I was living an illusion but they are living their very own illusions.

I feel my body tensing up. Every muscle. Every inch. My skin is getting tight. I lean back on the couch. I dont know what to do. I wanna get out of myself. Being me is getting unbearable again.

Another time being missunderstood.

They dont even know it was me and they still don`t get it right,

"And until those kind of people change for the better,those of us who made something of our lifes, will always look at those who havent as nothing but clowns". Wayne adds.

My legs start trembling. There is no way to hold them still. Bad sign. Very bad sign. I laugh to myself as I stare at the ceiling. What a joke. Great punshline with the clowns. I bet you are proud of yourself, Wayne. I bet you are. Always glad to be able to help to tell a joke.

They thank him once again while my mum tells me that this isnt funny.

I wanna say something but I better don`t. It`s not a good idea to ruin someone else`s punchline.

I`m going to explode, explode, explode.

Until I feel nothing.

I inhale the smoke, the only thing that proofs that I am still breathing.

Because I cant feel it. The only thing I feel is rage and my left hand grabbing my right wrist.

And this god damn candle that looks like a ginger cat staring at me.

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl  @raven-romanoff @ajokeformur-ray​ @ivedescoveredheathsjoker​

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape

[forcedsense]

People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.

The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.

Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )

Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.

If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.

Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.

[wo-wann-was-wer]

WHAT I WAS THINKING: DARK SEASON 3 EDITION

EPISODE 1:

Who are these dudes with the harelip and what do they want

Why did she just take him to a cave and leave that’s kinda rude

So everything in this universe is just gonna be backwards. Love it

Ugh I’ve said this a million times but this show has such Fringe energy and I can’t wait to get a tattoo for this too

This is super freaking me out, i dont like that everyone’s in everyone else’s house.

Ooooh Katharina with glasses yes girl you better work.

I like Michael and this hat he’s rocking

Super into the fact that magnus and fransizka are involved in this universe too

There’s nothing cuter than sex before school. Ahhh the nostalgia

Ten bucks says that Hannah gets out of this bed and is pregnant

Fucking YEP

I am loving Martha in this Jonas journey

I know that all they did was flip the lens of the camera but my brain is breaking at this flipped Winden

Who the fuck is this random dude Martha is with

You know what he kind of looks like Jonas. I wonder if that's relevant or if I'm just grasping at straws

Bartosz looks like he's going to his first grade violin recital

I straight up just did not recognize Charlotte with makeup. She looks hot

There's got to be another person in that picture other than Ulrich because that's a lot of space to rip out for one person

okay hold up Woller looks so good and then when I saw that he was missing an arm I almost lost my fucking mind

Oh shit okay Hannah is living in Katharina's house.

Oh my God are Ulrich and Charlotte having an affair

Is it normal in Germany for kids to just walk into classes that aren't there’s and just sit down

follow up he has a clear noose mark on his neck

Aleksander looks so hot with this beard. universe B is the fucking glow up universe

It's weirding me out that the whole school is black and gray instead of light brown

The look of satisfaction on katharina's face

Wow honestly Louis just broke my heart with his facial expression when he realized his mom didn't know who he was

he looks so scared

Yes yes do it afffffffffair

Oh no you done got found out!!!

Oh the theme of the play here is red and set of gold

Fransizka looks so cute in this little outfit

Oh my God she's deaf!!!!

What the fuck. the fact that this actress can talk is blowing my mind

RIP to Regina a real queen

Peter's a fucking priest

All the fucking weird-ass freaky motherfucking trio is back

The dopplers have the same house That's cool

excuse me sir I think your child is broken

these guys are so creepy What the fuck

I definitely don't like the piano wire

oh this motherfucker is the one who gets lost

I feel like winden in this universe is just a little bit fancier

Well Charlotte and Ulrich just be fucking like crazy

Bartosz is the Jonas of this group and I love it

who was that??????

I cannot get over Aleksander in this beard

I like that things are opposite but they also have things that are different enough.

Like I'm so into the fact that they all went down into the bunker

who in the unholy fuck is that. who is that

Oh shit old Martha

What the fuck is this Tannhaus’ factory we're at

hold up Martha's in 1888

What the fuck. why is Jonas in 1888 and looking SO good

EPISODE 2:

casually sitting over your bed watching you sleep

he's look so good though

yo what the fuck everybody else is there too

Oh no things got really ugly at Mads’ wake

Not for nothing but Tronte is a dick

I kind of don't understand why Claudia would want Regina to live in such pain in this type of universe

Peter is such a good boy

lurking is the freaking national past time of this place

Oh shit we got some spin-off timeline stuff good

who is This is blind guy

I love Katharina so fucking much

I know what she's thinking and it's the same thing I'm thinking which is can I kill a child

why does this picture of Tronte make him look like Jimmy Smits

Katharina looks amazing in this jacket

Also I definitely did not just start yelling GO GET YOUR MAN KATHARINA

Regina just gets more and more badass as time goes on. Also all of the women of the tiedemann family are so fucking badass

I am so excited to watch this fucking relationship develop. they're both too cute

awwww he's using signs!

oh they're writing back and forth

DAMNIT PETER

I always feel like little Noah should do fuckboy sign offs when he leaves rooms because he's so smooth

yesterday Laurel said that this was back to the future but serious and just now Bartosz said it's not super easy to get nuclear fuel in 1888 and now I think that Laurel's right

I will never get over how good he looks JONAAAASSSSSSS

This guy feels like the OG inventor of sic mundus right

Katerina why are you even trying to check in at the front desk bitch Go and get your man

Is this Katarina's mom why does she just recognize that woman's name

everyone on the show is so talented.I spend the whole damn time being like oh my god the performances on the show and it's like yeah we know

Katerina get your man

I literally love them so much look at the look on her face She is a mama bear She is not going to let anybody take her man or her children and I love her

Not a huge fan of people who quote Shakespeare right before they kill other people or am I an enormous fan of people who use Shakespeare right before they kill other people

using a garotte to kill someone is ugly as fuck

I feel so bad for Jana

see this is one of the reasons why I'm like why would you bring Regina back to this world.

wowwwww TRONTE what's up dude

YO WHAT

Oh so how did Charlotte get back there but Elizabeth's still there too. didn't they switch places?

oh the head bump

Not excited for the mother daughter abuse stuff that's about to happen

I love these split sequences that they do at the end

anytime somebody stands and stairs for a lonely at a spot on the ground I assume to somebody died there

Oh shit that guy is a tannhausokkkk I see you

a religious images we love to see it.

This show is a whole series of pause that frame.

No I ruined something for myself!!!!

EPISODE 3

got to love those through and through Ariadne references

okay so Charlotte's great great grandfather has her watch?

who are these horrible traveler human beings

they look like less sexy Francis dolarhydes

I can't get over the fact that wollers missing an arm here I swear

we ARE the glitch BITCH

alternate universe Ulrich is a better person than standard Ulrich

what's this new like zoom-y thing they're doing

I was attracted to Magnus at this jump of the show but he looks better with dark hair

How did they not all die of fucking flu

eternally repeating deja vu

I looked at the production stills and I was like what the fuck is this hair do that Moritz has but he looks amazing

Also everyone on this show deserves an acting award

and Magnus is wearing a skeleton sweater

Hannah does that deep dive detective work any bitch knows the Nose doesn't lie

why doesn't anybody want to fuck wöller

omgggg eat the RICH

also he has that x tattoo on his hand that represents the no future thing

oh the light is rectangular and not circular ooooooh fancy

The show is also a lot of people catching each other's wrists as they walk away

I knew we couldn't trust this bitch

What did he give her

I love the parallels and characters behaviors between universe a and universe b

I want to know how Noah factored into all of this on this side

Martha has a type and her type is iconically Aryan

Oh Aleksander's back with that beard he's back

Hannah is such a snake

Omg that's her!!!!! I thought she was a trans actress.. hm. not super happy bout that :/

What is Helge talking about Ulrich did what??? omg

I would be like SIR DO WE NEED TO FIGHT STOP FOLLOWING ME

I stopped taking notes for the last half of that episode cuz I was really sucked in haha

EPISODE 4

FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO GO ON RECORD THAT I DON'T CARE FOR THESE GENTLEMEN AT ALL

second of all why is this guy being like oh I took your name

why does he have Agnes's bracelet I don't like that

I don't like anything about this guy That's the end of the story

Also hold up a red hot second is Agnes dead cuz if so that's a hate crime

see what did I say

I knew that Hannah was going to get involved with Egon

from the second she walked in that office I was like that bitch has her eye on him and as she should he's handsome as fuck

Also he spoils her so much more than any other man she's ever been with AKA is Egon the only man she ever deserved

Is Hannah going to develop a heart cuz I'm not sure how I feel about that

Also what happens if Hannah gets pregnant

why is Ines a bitch I thought she was mad cool the beginning and now I feel fucking deceived

Also it's such a sweet gig that The kids who are playing kids can now play teenagers

poor Doris. Also he was shitty to her but he was far nicer than I would have been

Doris is so beautiful it's bullshit

older Magnus is so handsome

All I wanted was middle-aged Martha

bitch you have been having unprotected sex with him why do you think that pregnancy was not on the tabl

I'm like who's this guy in the church if it's not Noah I bet it's that little bitch

yeah I fucking knew it

Is this the dude that was married to Agnes I feel like this guy isn't real or something

I'm not surprised he let her go but I don't know why I'm not surprised. I feel like she's important to his timeline and I'm not sure why

look at these relationships forming between these sweet little bab

Hannah looks good in this red. Hannah looks good in all of these styles. 

who is this child

I like that already as a child Bernd had his eye on Claudia as someone who was smart and had a ton of potential

 I keep forgetting that I'm taking notes because I get so invested in episodes

Also I realize the zoomi thing which is going back and forth between the universes

Is Agnes Silja’s mom And if so with whom 

he gave her Agnes’ bracelet that dope All right Tronte

Wow Claudia needs to back off her man

Claudia force him into a relationship with her

I fucking hate Hannah but sometimes she speaks so much sense

ooh I don't need anyone Yes girl that's true You don't need anyone You needing people was what made you act fucking crazy You don't need anybody

This was always my big problem with Hannah was that I initially identified with her because she was such a survivor but then she did such horrible reprehensible things I just couldn't let it go and I absolutely couldn't identify with her anymore

Oh here's my daddy Noah looking so good

I mean okay so I have been in this position before where I was cheating and then my man cheated on me and I was like how dare you but also you cannot be mad if your partner cheats on you when you cheated too. You both fucked up

Is Hannah going to have a redemption arc cuz that's a lot

Oh my God she's not going to get rid of this child is she

Oh my great God I cannot believe that she gave Helene that necklace. 

I knew she was fucking connected to Katharina in the older generation I knew it

Louis and Lisa are a super cute couple and I know that they're not dating in real life but I think that they're very cute together

Oh everybody fucking

yeah they created the Apocalypse yeah

Oh no they have a child outside of worlds that's a mess How does that work so they had they gave birth to that ugly fuck

honestly I hate that he's their child for the most part just because he's ugly as fuck and neither of them are ugly as fuck so it makes me mad.

[icicledream-archive]

(might as well cross post a thing from twitter)

hey, imagine this

you're coming back from a bad mental place and youre wanting to draw, youre feeling motivated! and then Something Happens to make you feel horrible and alll your motivation is gone again

that would suck right?

well now imagine that happening Every Single Time

this is another thing on the pile of garbage that i have been dealing with these past 10 months

every time i'm like "ok i'm feeling better!! i'm gonna draw tomorrow!!" something happens and saps all the motivation and Everything out of me and i'm left unable to draw and be productive

i don't think i've talked about this before here, only on twitter till now, but i feel like i never express just how badly this makes me feel, that people dont see how big of a deal it is and may even think i'm overreacting, which honestly i do not think i am!

i'm so behind on things, i'm losing art skill by being unable to draw, i'm unable to make money, i'm unable to draw things for myself. it really sucks!!! and it makes me just want to give up (i won't, but i can't deny that the feeling is there)

god if i go on i'll just repeat myself so anyways if you read this thank you, i'm so sorry i haven't been able to draw much lately. i just wanna draw but it appears that something out there doesn't want me to

and i really hope that i can get across how horrible this feels for me, wanting and feeling motivated to draw but being unable to due to outside forces sapping my motivation and depleting my mental health and energy, outside forces that i absolutely cannot control

the last 10 months of stress and horrible mental health has been constant little things, on top of big things, on top of little things.

there's so much going on, man, and i can't find a way to get a break. i'm so tired. i just wanna draw and make art and make progress

[benhardyisdaddy]

my little secret - part 1

MASTERLIST 

(hello i just wanna make one thing very clear: i do not i REPEAT i do NOT CONDONE CHEATING WHATSOEVER. FOR ANY REASON. IDC WHAT IT IS. ITS NOT CUTE OR ROMANTIC. ITS HORRIBLE. I ONLY WROTE THIS BECAUSE ITS ANGST AND BECAUSE SOMEONE SUBMITTED IT TO ME. I AM AGAINST CHEATING. just had to make that clear lol. i feel like this isn’t my best work, but ive had writers block rlly bad so IM SORRY OKAY i feel like its rlly rushed so i apologize dont h8 me. i switched up the plot just a bit also)

Word Count: 2,517

WARNING: age gap (23 and 70), smut, cheating, breeding kink 

“You never listen to me!” 

“I always listen to you! You just never make yourself clear!”

“Never make myself clear!? You just don’t care!” 

“You’re such a stubborn pain in my ass!”

“You’re always a pain in my ass, Ben! It’s always about you!” 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, fuck off!” 

You and Ben had gotten into a huge dispute over god-knows-what. The argument goes from calm, moderate voices to ear deafening screams that you know your neighbors can hear. The two of you had been arguing more than ever lately, but it’s never gotten this bad. Ben’s never told you to fuck off before and you never thought he would. You freeze when the word’s slip from his mouth and the look on his face drops when he realizes what he’s just said. 

“I didn’t mean that.” he says fast. 

You feel your eyes sting from tears that threatened to spill and they finally do. Your chin’s trembling as you turn around and storm towards your bedroom. You hear Ben behind you as he quickly follows. 

“Baby, I didn’t mean that! I’m sorry, okay? I was just upset- What are you doing?” 

You had grabbed a duffel bag from the top of your closet and are shoving clothes inside of it. You zip it up quickly and grab your purse and keys. 

“I’m doing exactly what you told me to do. I’m fucking off.” 

Ben's eyes crinkle as he closes them out of frustration. He rakes a hand through his hair as he follows you towards your front door. 

“I didn’t mean that, y/n! Don’t go! Let’s just talk, babe. I’m sorry.” 

You turn around fast as you slide your phone in your pocket. Your eyebrows are knitted together as you stare at him with fire in your eyes. 

“You’re always sorry, Ben!” you say loudly. 

His face falls as he stares at you with cloudy eyes. 

“I’m going to my moms.” you say before slamming the door in his face. 

You don’t stop walking until you’re in your car and driving down the road. You can’t go to your moms. It’s two in the morning and she has to be at work at six. You couldn’t wake her up. You pull over on the side of the road and scream loudly as you punch the steering wheel. You were angry at everything and everyone, especially Ben. You slam your fists into the steering wheel a few more times and stop out of breath. You lean back against your seat and take in a deep breath. You need a drink and you know just the place to go to. 

***

You pull up to your favorite little hole-in-the-wall bar that’s open 24/7. It’s tiny, but packed. You’re best friend is the owner of the place so you know you can get a good seat in the front. You hurry out of your car and inside. Smoke fills the place as loud heavy metal blares everywhere. You make your way to the front and spot an open seat. You quickly fill it and spot your best friend Cassie. She walks up with a sad smile on her face as she realizes the look on yours. 

“Ben?” she asks. 

You just nod as she pours you a shot and slides it in front of you. You gulp it down fast as another is placed before you. 

“He told me to fuck off.” you tell her as you swallow the drink fast.

She pours you another as her face goes shocked. 

“What!?” 

“But, of course he didn’t mean it and he was sorry.” 

You drink it down as you hear someone yelling Cassie’s name. 

“Here,” she says getting you another drink. “Let me go deal with this and we’ll finish this conversation, okay?” 

She walks away and you’re left alone with your sorrows. You’re staring down at your now empty glass as someone speaks up. 

“Men are idiots sometimes.” 

You look over and spot an almost too familiar face. He has a drink in his hand with a smile on his face. He was older than you, much older actually, but man, was he good looking. You spin your chair to face him all the way. 

“Sometimes?” you ask, smirking. 

He laughs and slowly nods his head. 

“Oh, alright. All the time.” 

You laugh and look at him for a second longer before squinting your eyes and cocking your head. 

“Do I know you from somewhere?” you ask, suddenly feeling the drinks starting to kick in. 

The man laughs once more and shrugs his shoulders. 

“Possibly. I’m Roger.” he says as he holds out his hand for you to shake. 

Your face falls as your eyes go wide.

“Oh my god,” you whisper as you lean in to him. “I know you! I know you, I just don’t know where from! Hold on, don’t tell me...” 

You lean back and look at him up and down, trying to figure it out. Now your drinks were really kicking in. 

“You’re a musician.” you state. 

He nods his head as he gulped the rest of the dark liquid in his glass. 

“You’re a musician and your names Rog-” you pause when it finally clicks. “You’re the drummer from Queen!” you say a little too loudly as you slur.

Roger’s eyes go wide as he puts his finger to his mouth to shush you. You laugh and look around as you cover your mouth. 

“I knew I knew you from somewhere! My boyfriend loves your band!” 

“Same boyfriend that told you to fuck off?” he asks, leaning in closer for you to hear. 

You suddenly remember and frown. You nod your head and wave over another bartender. You order another shot. 

“Make it two.” says Roger, looking at you. “And they’re on me.” 

You smile to him and feel your face turning hot. 

“So, Mr. Famous Drummer,” you say, causing him to look down and laugh. “What’s your excuse for being here all alone? You clearly know mine.” 

“Needed some alone time for myself, I suppose. Never been to this place before, but apparently it attracts good people.” 

He smiles to you and for the first time in a long time, Ben wasn’t the one on your mind. Roger was. 

“And if I might add,” he says leaning in close to you. “You should try being with an actual man one day. Not a little boy.”

Your eyes drunkenly flutter as you slowly bring your hand to Roger’s knee and very slowly run it up his thigh. He tenses up at your touch, but his eyes are dark with lust. A slight smirk appears as he looks down at your hand for a moment before back up at you. 

“Maybe I will.” you purr. 

And before you know it, you and Roger are in the back of his car as his driver takes you across town. Your mouths are clashing as you breathe heavily, your mind foggy. You can’t keep your hands off of each other the whole night. 

***

RINGRING RINGRING 

Your head is pounding as the sound of your phone blares near your ear. You squeeze your eyes closed as you squirm around and groan. You flutter them open and squint due to the bright sun beaming through the room. You bring your hand up and rub your eyes, hoping to make the blurriness disappear. You’re in mid yawn when what happened last night hits you. Your eyes shoot open as you sit up fast. 

You’re in a hotel room with your clothes scattered everywhere all around you. You bring the bed sheet up and cover yourself as you look beside you. There next to you is Roger. He’s on his back and is starting to move around a bit. You should feel guilty. You should feel horrible for what you did, but you don’t. All you can do is smile as Roger’s eyes open and he looks over to you. He sheepishly grins as he rubs his eyes. 

“You’re still here.” he says as he yawns. 

Your face falls as he says that. You look away fast and jump up from the bed as you gather your clothes. 

“Was just leaving.” you spat as you slip your jeans on and then your top. 

Roger notices your change of tone and sits up fast. 

“Wait!” he says fast. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just surprised you stayed. I don’t want you to go.” 

You turn around and he has the most sincere look on his face. You let out a breath you were holding and smile as you walk back over to him. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I’m just on edge right now.” 

Roger smirks as he grabs your arm and pulls you back onto the bed. You laugh as you lay on your back and look up at him. 

“Then let me help you with that.” he whispers as his hand trails over your stomach and slips under your pants. 

You bite your lip as your phone begins ringing again. You roll your eyes and grab it. Twenty two missed calls from Ben. You frown a bit, but turn it off completely. You look back to Roger and smile. 

“I could use all the help I can get.” you purr. 

***

You quietly slip your keys into your front door and open it gently. You walk inside and look around, not seeing any sign of Ben. You had left Roger’s hotel with a promise that the two of you would see each other again very soon. He’s staying in town for a while for a ‘top secret’ project he’s working on. He wasn’t allowed to tell you, but that’s okay. You like surprises. 

You close the door behind you and hear footsteps getting closer. Ben appears in front of you in the hallway. He freezes when he sees you. He slowly walks closer to you until he’s inches away. He cups your face with his hand and leans in to gently kiss you. 

“I really am sorry.” he whispers. 

You swallow hard and force yourself to smile back.

“I know.” you whisper back. 

Ben smiles widely and bites his bottom lip. 

“I have amazing news.” he says fast. 

You laugh at his wild expression as he takes a step back. 

“What is it?” 

“I got a role for a movie! I drive out to the location tomorrow for fitting and all that fun stuff!” 

He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. You couldn't help but celebrate with him. 

“Ben! That’s amazing! What movie is it?”  

“I can’t actually say anything to anyone, babe. They’re wanting it to be under the radar for a bit. But I promise that when I can, I’ll send you over the second I’m allowed to. Okay? I just can’t believe this is happening. This is huge!” he yells. 

You laugh and can’t help but bring him in for a kiss, but the whole time you’re kissing, all you can think about is Roger. 

*** 

4 Months Later

***

“Right there!” you squeal as Roger thrusts into you hard. 

You’re whining loudly as he kisses and sucks on your neck. 

“Roger!” you whine, feeling yourself starting to release. 

“I wanna cum in you.” whispers Roger in your ear. 

Him saying that makes you hit your high even faster. You squeeze your eyes closed and scream out as you grip his arm tightly. Your body convulses as pleasure fills every cell in your body. 

“Yes!” is all you can repeatedly shout. 

Roger lets out a low growl as he thrusts once more and pauses, his body jolting forward. You feel him release all inside of you and it makes you whine even louder. He jerks once more and he’s done. You both are breathing fast and hard as he rests his forehead on your shoulder. You smile to yourself as you close your eyes. 

“Amazing.” you whisper. 

Roger leans away and kisses you. 

“Like always.” 

He slips out and falls beside you utterly exhausted. 

“I have to leave in a second.” you whisper sadly. 

“No, stay with me.” 

You look over to him and smile. 

“I’m just gonna be right outside of town for a bit. You can always come see me. I’ll have my own room.” you tease. 

“I’ll take you up on that offer, love.” he mumbles. 

***

“I’m almost there. Where am I meeting you again?” 

“I told the driver where to go, don’t worry.” Ben teases. “Let’s see if you’ll recognize me.” 

“Recognize you? Why? What did they do to you?” you ask worried. 

He laughs in the phone and shakes his head. 

“Wait, I think I see you! We’re all outside!” he says fast. 

Suddenly the phone goes dead. You look up and out the window. A bunch of people are standing in front of a huge building. You’re beyond nervous as you pull up and the car stops. You jump out and make your way towards them. A man with long blonde hair is staring at you with a huge smile on his face. You squint your eyes as he walks even closer. 

“Ben!?” you call out. 

He nods his head and laughs as he wraps his arms around you and squeezes. You lean away and your eyes are wide as you gently touch the wig he’s wearing. 

“Wow.” you whisper. 

“Looks good, yeah?” he teases. “You know who I am?” he asks, backing up so you can see him fully.

“Um, someone from the 70’s?” you ask. 

“Alright, good! But who do you think it is?” 

You’re thinking for a moment as Ben looks behind you and smiles. 

“Ah, the man himself!” 

You turn around confused and your face falls. So does his. It’s Roger. 

“Roger, this is my girl, y/n. Y/n, this is the Roger Taylor.” 

The two of you stare at each other as your eyes are wide. You felt almost sick. You realize how this must look to Ben, so you snap out of it. You shake your head and bring your hand up to him. 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Taylor.” you say fast. 

Roger shakes your hand and forces a smile. 

“Please, call me Roger.” 

You smile and look away as you take a step back towards Ben. 

“Rog, the reservations are all set for tonight.” 

You look to your left as a beautiful older blonde walks up and kisses Roger. He wraps an arm around her waist and looks to you. He looks embarrassed as he smiles. 

“Sarina, this is Ben’s girlfriend, y/n.” he says, almost gagging at the word girlfriend. “Y/n, this is my wife... Sarina.” 

“Your wife.” you say a little too bluntly, causing him to look at you with a worried expression. 

You smile widely and reach your hand out to her. 

“It’s so nice to meet you.” 

“You as well!” she says sweetly. “Will you be joining us for dinner?” she asks. 

You go to tell her no, but Roger speaks up. 

“Of course she will.” he says fast. 

Yeah, you think to yourself. Of course I will. 

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[oh-theatre]

Sycamore High: Mix and Match (Chapter 23)

A/N: I feel so bad for people who dont know something rotten they must feel so confused...im SORRY. Also yes I did write the entirety of lyrics from memory

summary: First rehearsal for Something Rotten!

words: 2,502

warnings: Swearing, funeral mention, lyrics, implied harassment (at the end, will find out more next chap)

Ao3 Link

“Welcome to the first official rehearsal for ‘Something Rotten’!” Chad announces to a loud cheer from the cast. Save except for a very quiet Ted sitting in the front row and a sad distant Tommy shoved in another row. Chad notices and feels a tug at his own heart, he shakes his head continuing. “I'd like to get started by doing a read through, so if everyone could gather on the stage” The crowd follows creating a circle on the stage, each student with a script in their hands. Chad counts before realizing something. “Ok, so we are going to have to sing acapella, because I may have forgotten to call in the pianist” He chuckles awkwardly, Bill ponders before raising his hand. Chad points at him prompting him to talk.

“I can play the piano,” He says, a tug pulls at Ted and Paul as they share a look. It's true, though not his main hobby, his mother did teach him. He stands and goes to the piano opening the sheet music and tickling the keys, something dances through him as it comes playing back to him. He nods at Chad, who smiles back.

“Alright! Let's begin!” Chad spins pointing to Caleb, another cast member who smiles excitedly “Take it away minstrel, Bill” Bill nods, turning to Caleb who studies his music quickly before giving a thumbs up. Chad starts swinging his fingers Bill begins playing the opening song.  

“War of the roses, Chaucer's tale. The brutal feudal system. Holy crusade, Bubonic plague. Can't say that we've really missed 'em. So dark and barbaric, So dull and mundane. That was so Middle Ages. That was so - Charlemagne” The group giggle excitedly as Caleb continues, Bill continues, hitting the note. The cast looks around excitedly as Caleb continues, everything washes away. “Welcome to the Renaissance. With poets, painters, and bon vivants and merry minstrels. Who stroll the streets of London a strummin' they lutes”

“In puffy pants and pointy leather boots!” The male ensemble continues, Chad smiles. It sounds great.

~~~

“Hit it, Bill!” Chad exclaims, and so Bill does hitting the keys ecstatically but carefully. Ted turns to Paul revving up.

“Ohhhhh God I hate Shakespeare!” The crowd cheers. Paul clutches his pearls offended. “That's right I said it”

“No!” The ensemble cries, Ted feels his heart flutter. Everything seems ok as the music plays and the bubbling energy bounces around the room. Everyones buzzing with excitement, happy to be here.

“I do, I hate Shakespeare”  He makes sure to sing that line at Sam who couldn't care less.

~~~

“I am stronger than you think, Don't be thinking I ain't tough I am where you oughta go. When the going's getting rough. So when things are going badly-” Charlotte belts happily, lovingly staring at Ted.

“But they're not” Ted insists, Charlotte bites down a giggle.

“They kinda are” Paul points out. Bill continues happily watching his friends.

“No, things are fine” Ted turns to Paul, who raises his eyebrows innocently.

“But if they weren't” Charlotte tries again, Ted and Paul smile widely.

“But it's ok”

“Love?”

“What?” Something catches Ted off guard at the name, he glances to Tommy feeling his face fall.

“Oh!”

“What?” He watches as Tommy bounces happily, watching the trio back and forth. His heart pounds in his ears he can't hear the music anymore.

“Quit trying to protect me” Charlotte's voice seeps through grounding Ted once more, he shakes his head delivering his line.

“Can we change the subject, please?” He didn't mean to beg so desperately, hopefully, they would just think he was getting into it.

“Not until I know that-”

~~~

“What the hell are musicals?” Ted asks feeling his voice get caught, Tommy can't meet his eyes and seems focused on his sheet music.

“It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through the song” Tommy says, his voice sweet with a hint of insane. Ted chuckles to himself, he's been practicing.

“Through song?”

“Yes” The group laughs and Ted does too, he's doing exceptionally well.

“Wait, wait, wait, so an actor is saying his lines and then out of nowhere he just starts singing?” Ted recites, he likes this monologue.

“Yes,” Tommy repeats, his grin his wider now. It feels like it's just the two, practicing as if no one was there. Ted looks to Bill nodding, he turns and prepares.

“Well that is the-” He starts singing “Stupidest thing that I have ever heard You're doing a play, got something to say so you sing it? It's absurd! Who on Earth is going to sit there while an actor breaks into song? What possible thought could the audience think other than "this is horribly wrong?" Bill hangs on the note as Tommy smiles wide.

“Remarkably?” He asks “They won't think that!” Ted can practically feel the room buzzing with excitement.

“Seriously, why not?” Ted asks back, Tommy can't hold it in, he flashes his most insane smile.

“Because…” He looks to Bill, they smile at each other “It's. A. Musical! A musical!” Everyone lets out small cheers as the song begins. “And nothings as amazing as a musical” Well, I can think of one or two things that are, Ted thinks as he watches Tommy enchant the entire class. Tommy continues with Ted and for a moment it's as if nothing is wrong.

~~~

“Paul and Emma, ready?” Chad asks, Bill flips to the song nodding at the group. Paul takes a deep breath as Emma just giggles smiling at him.

“Ready as I’ll ever be” She announces, Chad points at Bill who begins playing softly. “I love Sidney and Marlowe and often I borrow their words to express how I feel. I love poems of mystery, fantasy, history, Oh, what seductive appeal. At night, alone in my bedroom satisfying my needs. The candlelight fire ignites my desire...to read” Emma sings sending thrilling chills down Pauls back, he might miss his cue from listening to her enchanting voice. It's suddenly his turn after he misses three verses tuning out the actual words.

“It's the end-all, the be-all, oh, you oughta see all the books that I have on my shelf” He sings softly, a little nervous. Ted and Bill nod encouragingly.

“Me too!” She exclaims “I find pleasure perusing those writings and musings, so often I pleasure myself” She pauses giving off an awkward smile, the crowd laughs “Wait, that didn't sound right”

“No, I know what you mean” Paul goes again, a little more confident “When I'm deep in the throes of impassionate prose I could scream”

“You scream?”

“Yeah!”

“So do I!!” And so she did scream, much to everyone's delight

~~~

“Sam, boys, you ready,” Chad asks excitedly going through his notes. Sam practically bounces a childlike grin wide across his face. Charlotte giggles and Emma can't help but smile, he looks genuinely excited. “Go Bill!” And he does almost less excited. Sam stands, followed by his 4 boys already.

“My days are so busy, it's making me dizzy, there's so much I gotta do. There are lunches and meetings and poetry readings and endless interviews. Gotta pose for a portrait and how I deplore sittin' there for eternity. Then it's off to the inn where my innkeeper friend wants to name a drink after me! Then it's back to my room, where I resume my attempt to write a hit. Just me and my beer and the terrible fear that I might be losing it” He sings drunkenly, the groups nod along enjoying this. He's got the voice down. The boys jump around him singing their lines.  “And it's hard”

“It's hard” They point at Sam playing around, it's a whole routine.

“It's hard”

“It's hard” They go again, struggling to keep a straight face. The whole song is pure fun.

“It's really, really hard, so very, very hard” They sing in unison

~~~

“Welcome to America!”

“Land of opportunity!” Ted finishes strong smiling. The room erupts into cheers with everyone hugging everyone, at one point Ted feels himself wraps his arms around Tommy pulling away quickly. They stare awkwardly giving each other sweet longing smiles before each is pulled off into a respective group. Bill stands to join his friends congratulating them. They pull him into a hug. “Bill! You were amazing! Seriously, singing and piano wise!”

“Oh! Well, thank you” He nods blushing slightly. Chad comes over clapping him on the back. Bill lurches forward making an ‘umph’ sound.

“Bill that was wonderful!” He compliments “You are truly gifted” Now Bill is blushing harder than ever. Ted smiles, pride is not the words he's looking for. Bill leans in a little to Ted who laughs wrapping an arm around his small friend, understanding what he needs. He continues the conversation politely before leading Bill away from the crowd and setting up right outside the doors. “Thank you” Bill mumbles as they sit down on the cool floor, a change from the sauna that is the auditorium. They lean against the wall, Bill collapses onto Ted's shoulder, his eyes heavy.

“Of course,” Ted says nudging his friend, Bill yawns flexing his hands. They're cramping after such a massive play, he feels the ivories phantom and urges to keep playing. “You really did do amazing Bill” Ted compliments playing with his fingers, Bill chuckles nodding. A comfortable silence falls between them, Bill can't seem to relax his hands so Ted takes them applying soft pressure. It feels nice, Bill sighs relieved. He looks up a bit to Ted seeing him stare far off as if playing with Bills fingers is the only thing keeping him from drifting off, becoming particles of sand left in the wind for all of eternity.

“Would you like to discuss it?” Bill inquires softly, Ted's eyes merely gaze over to him. “You and Tommy, I mean” He clarifies, wanting to be there for his friend as he had so desperately failed in the past few months.

“Hmm?” Ted hums, he shakes his head a sad smirk appearing on his face “Not unless you want to talk about whatever's going on with you” Ted says, he's sure the subject will be dropped, that he has ‘won’, perse.

“Ok,” Bill says sitting up, Ted's face falls and so do his hands, losing contact with Bills. He giggles softly before continuing “I dont know whats going, or what was going on with me. I treated you unfairly and was somebody that I was not. I let my emotions get the best of me, the fight with Billy…” He eyes Ted, his tone becoming softer “And at the funeral” He barely whispers. Ted nods processing the words his small friend speaks.

“I miss my mom, and my dad...apparently kill-” He chokes suddenly, Bill squeezes his hand, no pressure...take your time. “And I made a mistake, I took it out on Tommy,” He sighs rubbing the bridge of his nose “But he doesn't deserve me! He deserves someone better, someone whos not…” He grunts pressing his lips together tightly, irritated “Me...someone whos not me” Ted finishes, Bill takes a deep breath.

“You're right,” Bill says, Ted's eyes go wide, oh? “He doesn't deserve you, in my opinion, nobody does Ted. Nobody is good enough for you” He says, Ted feels his heart pull “I've always thought that you're my best friend how could I not?” Ted chuckles lightly “But I have never seen you happier than when you're with Tommy, every word, every movement, every smile...I see how it affects you” Bill remarks, Ted struggles against tears. “You love him, and mind you, he loves you too” Ted nods, that he knows, I do love him. “I will always think that no one is good enough for you but Tommy? He comes pretty damn close” Bill finishes, Ted raises his brows lovingly.

“Bill Dorris, did you just swear?” Ted asks teasing his friend. Bill turns to him, dead serious.

“Yes I did, and no one will ever believe you” They erupt into tired laughter and sit until the night comes to a close. The professors come to collect Ted, and Bill gets a ride with Paul. But something changed that lively night, another part of the puzzle was found and it fits perfectly. However, another part of the puzzle was lost that night, a part no one thought could be lost, a fury of love and sunshine...finally dimmed out.

~~~

Something had died that night, and it had died alone. Tommy watches as Ted led Bill out of the theatre, smiling at the pair happy to see things falling back into place. He waved at Ted who only caught a glance but smiled at him. He sighs happily turning towards another group, he starts a polite conversation with them but feels something boiling in the back of his brain, an itching. He glances around seeing Billy leaning against one of the sides watching him intently. He shivers trying to shake off the pit now consuming him.

“Bye Tommy,” Charlotte says hugging her friend, he hugs back eyes wandering towards Billy, he holds on a little tighter wanting her to stay. But she does and soon so does everyone, until its just Tommy, Chad, Billy and his friends. Chad and Tommy carry on a conversation that leaves Tommy feeling pleasant, it comes to a slow however much to Tommy’s disappointment.

“Oh wow” Chad says looking at his watch he perks back up to Tommy “I gotta get home, um...have you by any chance seen Ted?” He asks, Tommy ponders for a moment recollecting the events that had transpired.

“He went out towards the foyer with Bill” Tommy smiles, as the professor nods. He thanks him quickly, giving him a rushed farewell until suddenly once more Tommy stands alone on the stage with Billy watching him. He moves to the piano feeling himself wince at every step. He reaches for his phone checking for an update from his mom or anything really...from Ted.

“Hey” A slimy voice whispers abruptly, a painful shiver runs down Tommy's spine as he recoils jumping. Billy smirks at him, play the part, Billy. Tommy feels his lip quiver, he feels his phone buzz and reaches for it once more. An instant wave of relief hits him seeing a familiar, not yet changed name pop up.

Dearest

Ted: Hey… I just wanted to make sure that you were really alright

As much as Tommy wishes to reassure him, to continue to another subject he can't. He wastes no time sending an urgent text, something he knows he’ll understand. How could he not? It was pretty clear.

Tommy: Still at school, alone with Billy, please help.

“Oh no need for that” Billy's voice intrudes his mind once more, he watches as the disgusting teen grabs the phone from Tommy's hands throwing it on the floor. Tommy winces instinctively as the shatter hits the ground...and the pieces all fall apart.