#i am growing resentful of everything. i don't think i could hate myself more. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaz-light · 1 year

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CW: Me but ugly

Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.

This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.

It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.

This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.

There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.

And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.

Then I shaved.

I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.

Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".

And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.

Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.

Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.

#pin #anniversary #morri posting

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doubleddenden · 2 days

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Man I tell you. Having a shit birthday does something to you. When I turned 30 I was okayish. I wasn't thrilled, but I'd rather have an uneventful birthday than an awful one.

I feel like I got hit with so much that I simultaneously aged 20 years, but also I didn't even experience my birthday. Like when I turned 30 I felt it, maybe a little younger. But 31? It didn't even get to register because of 1 person. Can't even enjoy my birthday present I bought for myself with my own money because I'm too busy having to help their bullshit instead. Even the "birthday party" was monopolized by them making it about themselves. To top it off, even the power went out for no reason while I am sick.

Can I get a do over? Please? A nice birthday with a cake that doesn't suck ass, some nice music that doesn't make me want to scream, and people I care about that aren't just family concerned with what I can physically do for them? A healthy body so I can enjoy it, please? Just 1 day. Just 1. Just 1 day about me? I know I'm not the main character of my own life- i got that painful lesson when i was a child and had my whole life be centered around other people's drama and how it could harm me- but god do I hate being reminded of it by people thinking THEY are the main character of EVERYONE'S life.

Like man I'm not asking for a suite of personal skimpy nerdy maids to cater to my every whim (which would be wonderful don't get me wrong), but I would like at least 1 friend there. I would like a cake that doesn't feel and taste weird in my mouth- honestly I'd like a strawberry cheesecake or a lemon pound cake. With a candle at least. Doesn't even have to be that nice or big. I don't have to wake up early or listen to screaming children, the power doesn't go out, the conversation doesn't need to be about me personally but I'd rather it not be monopolized to someone else i despise, a gift for me that actually feels heart felt, and I'd like to not be infected by a sickness that could have been prevented. No words about shit I gotta do, no responsibilities, no catastrophic bullshit, just. A nice birthday with nice memories. Is it too much to ask for that? Is it too much to ask for that instead of a quiet and forgettable one, let alone an awful one ruined by someone that can't just stay in line or do anything right?

I swear man. I'm not happy to be alive at all. I fucking despise waking up every day. I know I'm not allowed to stop because others would be inconvenienced about my passing and unfortunately there would be consequences to animals and people down the road (not to mention im a spineless coward), but GOD man when do I finally get to live MY life FOR me? I get it, I'm worthless beyond what I can do for someone else, I'm a single, ugly, jobless and childless loser of a failure not worth dedicating just 1 fucking day to me from my family, but Jesus fucking christ I deserve a redo from the top.

That bitch has taken so much from me. My sanity. My health. My happiness. Most of my fucking family. Even my god damn hair. How the absolute fuck do you take a DAY from someone? I'd wish something awful happen to them if it wouldn't just become MY problem to deal with like it does everything else involving them.

Fuck it's been days and I'm still angry. I gotta wait a god damn year for my next birthday and who even KNOWS what will ruin that one. Maybe another fucking power outage? Maybe the stupid bitch pokes another bear with a wasp nest and makes it my problem? Maybe the only other person to traumatize me more comes to ruin it too?

I hate everything. I want to be positive but I can't. I want to get over it but I can't. I want to let it go but I can't. I'm fucking 31 and I know these feelings are childish and need to bury them and grow up and stop feeling anything besides complacency, but I can't. All I can do is bottle this resentment and anger this person gives me. All I can do is sit here and fester because they can't even let me have ONE. FUCKING. DAY. Without making it about themself.

Happy fucking birthday you worthless sack of shit. You're not worth anything. You're not worth the shit you're forced to clean up. You're not worth a day or a conversation. You're worth LESS than nothing.

#i needed to get some feelings off my chest. I'll get over it eventually.#but im still angry at things

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mangodestroyer · 1 year

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You know, I sometimes like to think about how Crowley had so many name changes throughout the show. I feel like he was trying to remove himself from his celestial identity and figure out who he really is.

Call me weird, but changing my birth name... is something I've thought about doing for a while now. Ever since I was in middle school. But I had so many mixed feelings about it.

I hate the way my mother says my first name. I hate the way others have said it growing up. I straight up started resenting my name because most of the time when people said it, something negative would seem to follow. And I continued to have some other bad experiences with that name into adulthood. I want to remove myself from those experiences and start anew.

What makes me sad about this is that my first and middle name are actually very beautiful. The meanings and everything. But the negative connotation is still there. Especially when my mom adds her own personal reasoning for giving me those names. It doesn't feel like me. She acts like she knew who I was before I was born and always tries to act like I'm someone else than who I really am. To the point of constantly forgetting things I've said/done in the past and rewriting her own version of history. Idk how to explain it. It just doesn't feel like she actually knows who I am after two decades of constantly being around me. I feel more like I'm just this hateable, one-dimensional caricature to her. According to her, I have every flaw every one of my family members has. And then some. Either I "share" said flaws with them, or said family member doesn't have the flaw while I supposedly do. She never compliments me, unless the compliment is backhanded in some way. According to her, my personality is every female stereotype she could come up with. And that means a lot of negative, sexist ones. I don't want to be whatever she thinks I am.

My middle name is the female version of my brother's first name. My brothers has been very cruel to me. Thankfully, he has recently moved away (and I hope it stays that way). Again, I love my middle name, but I don't want to share a name with him.

As for my last name? It's just too uncommon. I want something more generic so it's less of a security risk.

Like I've said many times in the past, I just relate to Crowley and Aziraphale so much. I wonder if he feels the same about his original name as I do about mine. I don't think Crawly was his original name. Idk what it was. But he doesn't go by it anymore.

#good omens

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entangled0722 · 6 months

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You took me lightly,

You disregard my feelings,

You pushed me away,

Throwing everything away;

On me you unconsciously lean...

But I am hurting too.

I expressed myself as clearly as I could;

And you took your assumptions of me to be truth.

You made me stammer,

My vulnerability, you took,

And played it with your hook.

And I understood, I understood you.

But you don't understand me.

How I'm starting to change.

And yet the first step that I take,

You took it as 'lame'.

And run your thoughts again.

Unfortunately so I could, I could just see you.

But you don't see me.

The things I've done for you.

The feelings I felt for you.

My suffering, you deemed to be drama.

You took and cleanse it all away.

As if they were never there.

Am I a fool? Am I your fool?

I think you misunderstood, just as you've always did.

I am not a fool. I see, very clearly.

I do not judge you, know that I couldn't, because I understood.

But with each step I take, I'm growing just a little more afraid.

That I'll leave you where you ought to stay.

I want to change. And change I'll take.

If you walk with me, I'll gladly walk with you.

I do not resent what you did to me.

I do not hate you.

But.

If you don't see me soon.

I apologize sincerely,

You mistook me.

See, this is me.

"I'm just about to leave."

-17:19 0722

#spilled words #spilled thoughts #prose #poetry

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pressforsugar17 · 2 months

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Coming back home has been incredibly enlightening. It's funny - when you come back to your parents home, you often (unwillingly) recieve reminisce on the time I spent before I left home at 18.

The times I've spent in my room as a teenager, foolishly not even being aware of the world around me. That's one of the biggest gifts my parents gave me. As a kid, I simultaneously was exposed to too much, yet also, they protected me from the majority of the horrors that my mom and dad experienced. No doubt many things permeated through their shield, but it was out of their control. I forgive them for that, they were trying the best they could. Although for many years I harbored resentment that I couldn't grow up like other kids, with the perceived security I thought that they had.

I have a hatred towards those that don't have to live outside of a society. I don't mean in the 'Joker' oh look at me I'm so different way, although it can apply. I mean in the way how some people just inherently are excluded, for better or for worse. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just that the more I live, the more I recognize that my experiences as an immigrant inherently divide me from others, even among those from the same country as me, because all of our immigration experiences are different, and m country is so large, that our regions can differ vastly.

Maybe hate is a strong word. I love people so much, yet that almost transforms into this ugly form where I love their security, their ability to not need to think about language, how their customs come across to others, the belief that they know everything will be fine since their family is around them. I don't feel that. But I'm trying to relish in the times I have some form of security, because it is there.

Others from the US that I grew up with won't need to deal with not knowing the language as a child and literally being so lost. Hahahah being in kindergarten and desperately trying to figure out what storytime is all about was a nightmare. I couldn't make friends, except with others that also couldn't speak English, or had other speaking deficits. But this has also been my biggest sources of strength. I can connect with people with vastly different backgrounds. People who can't understand this are not interesting to me. It's by no means their own fault, nor is it mine. I just notice I blame myself for not being able to fit into the vast majority in terms of marriage, my sexuality, lifestyle, but I have to recognize that from the very beginning, in my parents' home, I'll never be able to fit into the majority.

It's important to recognize that in some ways, I do fit into the majority. Despite our financial situation, I didn't have to worry about food in the US. I am white and live with those privileges. My parents raised me together. I have a loving sibling and pets.

When I wrote that I think how I associate the 'majority' with goodness. Yet.. that's quite problematic. Because the fact that I'm an ethnic and sexual minority, those aren't bad things. Duhhhhhh

ANyway goodbye.

#college #welcome home #home #youngadult #growingup #selflove #immigration #sociology

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strrgrrrlz · 3 months

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My Goals goals for the month (Kind of).

As I started to write on the last post, which was an official journal entry, I decided to create a little list of goals to achieve this month. I guess the pourpose could be an incentive to keep writing, but in all honesty, I've been ating to get out of this mental slump I've been in for such a long time, so I hope this can help me to feel better.

On the "Self Improvement" area:

Create a good routine that works for me and is not crazy

Elaborating on that: Just like most people who decides to improve themselves and their lives, we set up goals that sounds great but turns out to be unachiveable. waking up at 5 is impossible since I have college classes at night, so I woul usually go to bed at midnight, the sleep would be awful. I also can't compromise on super scheduled routines, because I live with my family so I don't have a lot of control over my enviroment all the time.

So, I want my routine to be, basically, Wake up at a reasonable early time (like 7), wash my face, get ready for the day, make a little coffee and study my management material. Then I take a break to have breakfast with my mom, then I'll go back if I have something to finish. Then I'll do house stuff, help my mom, IDK, work on our little project. By 3:30 I'll start getting ready for my classes, then go to college etc etc.

Journal, Journal, journal.

This is why this blog was made for. I need, desperately, to make sense of it all. Jokes aside, I need to write for my mental health. Just get things out, nothing crazy, just a safe space for me to talk and make it look cute.

exercise!

No need to elaborate on that one

Improve my confidence, and my behaviour

I don't believe I have always been like this. I was a confident kid, like a very confident one, but the other kids did everything they could to put me down, and they won. I became a very sensitive, very insecure and isolated teenager, I am better now, but honestly, adult life has been hard. I feel like I have grown a little thick skin, but I'm definetly not at my best, and sometimes I feel like I am at my worst, because no matter how much you grow, at a certain point the level of difficulty of life gets higher, and you realize you really don't know a thing.

I have a feeling my recent bad behaviour will fade a little as I work on myself. A lot of my problems internally reflects on the way I act and I hate that, so I want to change.

learn more, but actually learn more

I don't want to be someone who's online all the time doing nothing all day long and being a brainless zombie. I want to LEARN things, Languages, history, art, things, actual things, not just stuff. Pick up on reading again. Becoming excited about things and not just resenting people and situations.

On the study field:

Read more than what is asked from me

Study more at home

Be more upfoward when it comes to group projects

I think that's it so far

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sincelastsession · 4 months

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We need to talk about THE GRIEF CLOSET.

Also shit has been wild.

Dad is supposed to call ya'll tomorrow to schedule.

I think both parents think it's gonna go like past therapy sessions with other therapists.

I'd like it to go well.

I am going to let you drive the family sessions. I would like to discuss a signal or word I can use to let you know if I'm triggered to hell and need to use the restroom to collect myself.

I really do think that my parents need serious help themselves and I don't want to give up after one session trying to learn and grow and have better conversations and restart relationships.

They've done me a world of hurt so I can tell you I will probably not be enjoying myself but I'm going to try my ass off anyway. I'm far too stubborn.

They both do hold a great deal of resentment at me. It will be obvious unless they are masking.

As much as I'd like to just lay into my dad and am spooky about being around him...I need him to be hooked for another session if possible. I'm willing to take his bullshit complaints and valid ones.

My thinking behind this is if he has a good session and agrees to come back (because honestly I can't be around him by myself currently and I hate it)

Like I think if he tells my sister it went well then she will be open to coming in.

Like...he and her imo need anger management, intensive trauma and grief therapy, and to really learn boundaries and how to wake up that emotional intelligence and connect to core self.

They are genuinely miserable and insecure people.

I still love them and people ask me why...I don't know.

It looks to me like their mental illness ate them.

I'd love to also see if the psychiatrist there would consider a consult during a session granted that's possible. I'm not thrilled with my current one other than he's so far keeping me on anxiety meds so I can do my therapy properly without freaking out on you.

He did say xanax would eventually cause me dementia. I wanted to say GOOD I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER SHIT. I'm mad he discounted what else the medication helps me with.

He doesn't like ketamine and had a fit that there was no enough known and he didn't know abt it.

I fear he may be a bit too wacky quacky.

I tried to explain things Dr. Todd taught me while he was alive treating me on a monthly basis.

He told me to try medical weed then had a fit when I asked abt cptsd and auditory hallucinations. I've only had a few in my lifetime. He flipped about medical weed and how it fucks with xyz. Never have I ever had a problem with these meds.

I just thought I heard people talking one day. I stupidly asked him but I did tell him it could have been my loud neighbors.

Medical weed keeps me from having to take pain meds that would damage me worse. I didn't get to tell him I was going to order CBD flower to mix with it because yes it is potent...

I do understand his professional concerns but I think I know my own body and mind far better than he could imagine.

I've been on EVERYTHING. I've tried to show him my pharmaceutical genetics tests. I did Genesight and one from my Geneticist who is still on a warpath and my team to prove a ton of doctors wrong about things. She thinks I have some genetic mutations that are causing so many issues and if we figure out what then it's possible to get treatment for well whatever she finds. I'm thrilled to just know so I can shut my fucking brain up about it and be at peace with the findings.

Also I need you to hear audio I keep forgetting to show you. I need you to understand various things. It's all ugly truths. There's tons I'm ashamed of.

My partner called today and then spent the day letting me submit. I took pictures without my face and showed off more of my body. I need to process my reaction to that. He did nothing but praise me and tell me I was beautiful. It is hard to take a compliment or understand why people love my body that is constantly trying to kill me. I was told fat was bad my whole life. I can't go shopping for clothing without someone to tell me the truth. I did tell him I had a reaction to me pushing my normal limits and he did handle me with care and ask me if I was ok. I can't complain. I do want to be comfortable enough with my nude body to where I could do only fans or something like nude modeling for artists and I'd like to dress more feminine and slutty and wear a crop top and be unbothered by onlookers and ppl who would say things to me to shame me. I've been body shamed while I was on fucking steroids as a kid. I have a roll under my tits that only plastic surgery will remove after weight loss because that's what I look like from being told to "suck it in" I mean I was a child on steroids. My body was never good enough. I don't feel like it's mine. It's not the correct one. I don't feel like I belong in it.

Like I just feel like I'm piloting a Gundam most of the time if that metaphor makes sense.

I'm looking forward to finding out about dissociative stuff.

I don't think my parents understand anything about how much trauma I have and how much time it takes to heal 37 years of it and that that may not be possible. I don't know how to explain ANYTHING to them about cptsd. I'm "using it as an excuse" "holding a grudge" etc

In reality I'm telling them why I am having a response to whatever is happening.

I don't think they understand how it works with the brain. I don't think they understand my ocd adhd or autism. I don't think they believe me or hear me or care. I feel that they're exhausted with me. They are still trying to punish me.

I didn't make them do anything they did to me. I didn't make them feel how they feel. I often get accused of saying they're stupid etc but that's literally just them cherry picking and not actually hearing me or taking me seriously.

I do understand how they wish I was. I'm not that person though. I'm not going to become that person. I'm not an extension of them aside from the genetics.

I'm angry as fuck at all of them. I do very much believe my anger is quite reasonable.

They don't understand that I didn't have a childhood. I did what they thought I wanted or what they wanted. I was people pleasing as soon as I could understand that if I did shit that made them happy then less bad shit would happen.

They're fucked up people.

Maybe I'm batshit for trying.

Maybe you'll see the dead eyes they all have.

My friend's father who was just like mine but an alcoholic died recently. She is going through a grief that I fear I'll experience one day too.

I still don't know how to stop grieving people and pets that died years ago.

I've tried to grieve my dad and sister during no contact. I don't even know how to grieve my mom. She tries then she attacks me like I'm a trainer working with a terribly abused dog.

I think my dad and sister need a very firm "keep your hands and your threats to yourself" talk

To be told by my father that if I called the cops he would call the coroner and tell the coroner that I said I was going to kill myself which I never said and the coroner would believe him over me because I've been in psychwards and he hasn't.

He's used that threat and he's threatened to destroy my property and beat the fuck out of me if I called the cops so at least he got some hits in before they hauled him off.

It's baffling to my friends that also have abusive parents...because their parents look CHILL compared to mine.

My dad bitches about the house being gross but if it was spotless and organized would he be happy? I doubt it. He's very insecure like my sister.

I really don't understand why it's so hard for some people to be vulnerable. I've only seen my father cry once. My mom insulted his dead mother who had literally just died.

I don't know why I care about people who have done nothing but abuse the fuvk out of me.

I really do want to just live my life and I feel very stuck.

They tend to overcomplicate things and think they know best for me. They get insulted and berate me before they hear me out.

They generally have more of an attention span and listen better with professionals.

I am not impressive enough to be heard. I'm not respected. I've been given no respect. I've been given no choices that are really choices. Fuck me if I don't like it.

I still feel every single painful thing that's been said and done to me. The body does keep the score. Fuck that author tho. Book is a good explanation. Guy is a hypocrite.

I've tried to explain all the things to them.

I've tried. Like I said I'm very stubborn or part of me is.

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l-stintheworld · 6 months

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If I was to tell you what I know you want to hear it's that I am here for you and will help you work through whatever it is you need to talk about. You can lean on my arm as you break my heart, you can be mean to me I can take it and put it inside of me. I'd tell you that you that I truly believe she is trying to make you jealous, and that I know one day she will come back to you because she will realise what she's given up even if that's years down the line, but I dont want you to be alone and spiralling while that happens. If I wasn't so clouded by my feelings I'd explain how she longs for your attention and love but doesn't know how to reciprocate, the same way you can't handle the way I feel for you. Maybe she isn't in as deep as you, but she craves that life long devotion that only you are providing to her. Now she may never come back to you, but she will always long for your feelings for her. She sent you those pictures because she wants you to be mad, she wants you to argue with her because in a fucked up way it shows you care more then you ever could if she was with you and you were happy together. If you allow it, she will do it forever and you should decide whether you are prepared to be that person for her at the cost of the love you could be receiving. But I dont know her, and I dont know 13 years of history between you, I only know what you've told me. It hurts because I'm too afraid to tell you all this because I know it would mean I'd lose you, and I'm being selfish so I will keep it to myself.

But if I was to tell you what I want to tell you for my sake and my feelings, it's that you should cut her out because I don't think she is capable of giving you want you need or deserve. I'm worried you would regret this and grow to resent me for it. I know I could be so devoted to you, and be your biggest cheerleader. You would be the "main character", I could make you feel that way and give you everything you want. But what you said keeps playing in my head, that a few years down the line we could have put in all this work to be together, we could be happy and she would come back and you'd go back to her. Not that I believe it would be a waste of my life, but you have to understand why I can't continue doing this if that's even a slightest possibility. I couldnt live knowing that your biggest regret would be choosing me because even though I know I don't deserve it, all I want someone who would be willing to do anything for me. I know she craves your devotion, because I think all women do. Maybe me saying that about her is just a protection of my own feelings. It's such a huge ask to want someone to care that much, for someone to love me that much so I never will. If I was protecting myself, I'd say we have to give it up sooner rather than later, before we're in a serious life destroying position, but I dont have the strength to do that because you know I've already given up so much for you. Maybe I'm just too emotional, maybe im ignoring every red flag, maybe I hate myself so much I believe I deserve a life of being the consolation prize and even though you have insisted that this isn't what it is, it's clearer that it is.

Instead of saying any of this, I will wait for you to message me first, I will give you space and I'll talk about whatever you want to talk about. I'll wait by the phone for when you when you want to call me and cry on your break, or when you want to sing to me before you go to sleep. I'll be here when you want to play a computer game or watch a YouTube video with me. I'll be here when you want me to be some rival and to argue about politics. I'll be here to give you unconditional love and acceptance when you need it. I'll do it all sobbing from 4500 miles away. I'll stay up until 4am to provide these things, I'll keep my phone on loud so you can wake me up when you finish work to tell me about your day. I'll try to be there for you but I can't pretend it doesn't hurt me that you'll never be there for me in the same way. I never expect that from you.

I just wish things were different, Adam.

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 1 year

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Update time:

As per usual I'll put the tldr before the cut and longer rant surrounding my feelings under.

I'm going to have very limited internet from October 13th to 27th, like to the point of probably only having internet for 2 of those days maximum (likely the 16th and 25th but we'll see). With that in mind, please feel free to continue to send messages but just note that I may not answer until the 27th.

There's a good chance that I am going to start blogging again around November 4th.

If I do come back, it won't be as actively as before (but more than now) and there's a good chance that I will veer towards being more of a multifandom blog than mostly a Taylor one.

Okay so longer thoughts around this all... So when I took my break, I wasn't sure how long I planned it to be or even if I could do it at all. Like I had been wanting to for so long that I expected to fall back into old habits within a week. So the fact that I have made it this far, and like with ease, has been incredible. But the truth is that this break had three major goals and I feel like only one of them has been even somewhat fulfilled.

Firstly, and the one that has been somewhat fulfilled, was proving to myself that I could use my time doing something else. And I say somewhat fulfilled because like realistically I'm still online more than I would've liked, just on like Duolingo or whatever relearning Japanese. And don't get me wrong, I still feel like that's better than being on social media for 15 hours a day and it has somewhat helped me manage my time better. Likewise, I do have a ton of offline activities coming up, but they're all temporary holidays. And it may sound weird to remedy that with coming back online but that leads into goal two.

The second goal was to feel more connected to people. Realistically, I still feel the same (very positively) about my offline friends and just feel more disconnected to the community I had here. And now that I think I can balance my time better with social media, I'm willing to try find a better balance for that.

And then there's the elephant in the room, which is tied with the third goal. The third goal was to get away from the noise because honestly? I've had very mixed, but more rapidly negative growing emotions about being in the Taylor Swift fandom since Midnights' release but especially this year, like more so than ever (which, those of you who have been around since 2015 know, is saying something). I had hoped that time away would somewhat subdue the negativity, especially because my expectations for Taylor have been far lower since 2019 than they were previously and I found my way back to her then. But honestly? It only reinforced it. I'm not saying that I hate Taylor or her fandom now. Like I will still go to eras in February and I love you guys, but I can't pretend like May didn't happen or that it didn't have real world/offline effects to people who I love including violence from others and self harm. And more so, I can't pretend like it doesn't make me resentful that despite god knows how many posts and tiktoks and whatever from Taylor Swift fans saying that they've also faced offline harm, people are still acting like this was just a chronically online issue that was 'overreacted' on. And like honestly? This year, and the acceptance that this stuff likely isn't going to change, was the straw that broke the camel's back with that stuff, not the whole issue.

Like my whole view of being a fan has changed; everything from engaging in her music purchasing her music (Speak Now TV was the first time I hadn't preordered it and only own it now because I was gifted it, the same will go for 1989 TV and tbh have barely listened to her music lately), to other media where I'm not as motivated or scared of FOMO as to feel the need to see everything straight away or get more eras tickets (I'm likely going to cancel the accommodation I had for the city I was going to get resale tickets for) and I no longer feel comfortable reblogging any photos that Taylor hasn't taken/approved herself. And that's led to a place where ultimately I feel like I am here more for the community than even being a fan if that makes sense. Like again, I love you all and I don't hate Taylor, it's just more than she's now at the level of just say The Weeknd for me where I appreciate the musicality more than stanning her as a person as opposed to it being both like before. And I've had a lot of fear around that, particularly earlier in the year because I may not be able to have the community without being as involved with the factor tying us all together, but I'm in a far better headspace now where I can trust that that won't be the case but also be fine if it is.

Anyway that was a rant and a half, but the point is that if and when I come back, which may or may not be sooner than I thought, I'll be looking at following more non-Taylor blogs. I still haven't made a choice on level of personal posts though, but I do think it's going to be more of a balance of positive moments in my life and leaving most of my negative ones for myself because while I'd like to think that I've been an honest influence by showing my struggles, a large part of my conflicting feelings about being online is just how identifiable I've been through posting those struggles, especially in a country where any onus of defamation is on the person making the statements. It's honestly a big reason why 99% of my biggest struggles from last year weren't posted, because unfortunately, with how uncommon some of my issues have been, posting them plus the selfies I have over the years (and tbh even without the selfies) has led to feeling like I have a target on my back and I just can't do that anymore. So yeah, this is another rant but while it's not set in stone, if I post anything about my life, it will be more manufactured and 'best of' rather than the whole picture... ironically given I feel like tumblr has often been my diary/venting space for the worst moments lmao.

But anyway, I've ranted enough and it's after midnight here now, so that's where things stand atm.

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poppywriter · 1 year

Text

✿❀✿

This chapter tackles subjects that can be sensitive to some readers, please do not interact if you are uncomfortable. And it's about my personnal life, though I feel comfortable sharing those facts. Of course, don't read if you're not interested :)

⚠️ Warnings : depiction of mental health (depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, self hate,…).

Read at your own risk. - Beaucoup d’amour, Poppy.

✿❀✿

❀ Pansy n°4 = A little catch-up.

*sigh* So ! There’s a lot to say…

I didn’t plan to make this book, or whatever this is, so personal but I feel like this could do me some good and that it could actually be interesting to share a bit more of my struggles.

I mean, I think this book makes it pretty clear - especially with what I write and think of writing in it - but I suffer from chronic anxiety, ‘masked’ depression and a bit of ADHD. First and foremost, ‘masked’ depression is a bad translation from my native language but basically it means that I try - or at least tried - to hide it from others, to keep up appearances. Which is… Way too true. But anyways.

To start from the beginning, it has been more than a year since I got “diagnosed” with chronic anxiety by my first therapist. He told me it was most likely hereditary - which is true, I got f*cking anxious parents especially my dad. I started therapy in January 2022, after years of mental distress. I always remember being anxious, sleeping badly and feeling lonely as well as inexistant, useless, transparent. It is like, most of what I remember from my teenage years (and I have massive blackouts from my childhood somehow :/). I am constantly struggling with my feelings, thoughts and place in life. It is as if my entire life revolves around internal conflict. I was - and still am a bit - used to dealing with all of it on my own, because I am convinced that you can count on nobody but yourself, but mostly that I shouldn’t burden people with it especially when they won’t care anyway.

Adding to that, the fact that I am the youngest of three siblings, I grew up thinking that I was too much in my family. Like my parents had already too much to deal with and just hadn’t the capacity to fully care for me. Moreover, on my dad’s side of the family I was also the younger cousin. So when my cousins and siblings became teenagers and young adults, I was very clearly put aside. The worst was that everyone was aware of it. I mean they literally gently threw me out of each room they were in when they wanted to talk about more “adult themed” subjects, always promising to call me back when they were done which obviously never happened. At the time, I complained to my parents and relatives about it, saying that I was tired of being rejected and just wanted to spend time with my cousins. But everyone just told me to wait it out, that it was normal as I was younger but with time it’ll change and it ended with people not even caring anymore if I was saddened about the situation. From this experience I think I just came to the conclusion that older people would always look at me as a less valuable being just because I was younger than them and theoretically couldn’t understand their “grown up and experienced” mind. As well as the fact that nobody - not even my family - cares about my feelings even if I communicate them.

I think that is when my difficulty communicating started to grow. I totally closed off from everyone, trapping myself in a never ending feeling of loneliness, even sometimes feeling like I am a spectator to my own life.

So I grew resentful towards my family, always wishing to stray away from them, to flee the country and build a new and better life. Away from everything. Then, I started thinking - very firmly - that without me, things would stay exactly the same. My family wouldn’t be impacted at all as I was only an unwanted nuisance that took too much care and money. I did not feel important, nor truly loved. I felt I just couldn’t be loved as I wasn’t interesting and had nothing for myself to make people appreciate me, just because I craved for attention I was not given by my family.

Furthermore, when I had just started middle school, I found out I had scoliosis. And a pretty bad one at that. After three months of observation, my spine ended up forming a perfect S shape. It was so bad that I had to wear a medical corset, in order to keep my back in check. That is how I ended up wearing a plastic made medical corset 23 hours a day every day. All of that, just a few weeks before my 12th birthday… Yes, it was an amazing gift :).

So, I found myself being sort of disabled. Wearing something totally new to every single one of my classmates and even my school’s administration. Find a way to feel more left out and alienated. Yet, I was not truly bullied for it. People were kind and curious, often offering me to carry my bag or things like that. Still, I was faced with the fact that a majority of people just wouldn’t understand how hard it could be on someone’s body and mind. People just thought of aesthetic corsets when I had to explain what I had, and didn’t understand why I made the choice to wear one as well as why it handicapped me.

In fact, it was truly a burden. It was not only painful, it was also truly incapacitating. I couldn’t bend down, I couldn’t sit without having my thighs being compressed and cut by the plastic, I couldn’t breathe or eat properly. At first I couldn’t even go to the bathroom with it. Plus, you are taught to get it on while laying down so I had authorized access to the nurse office - even when she wasn’t there - to take it off and pee. Only once was I refused the access to it, and my mom was so mad she made sure to call the school and report how it was unacceptable as I literally had a PCP (Personalized Care Project) which granted me special rights like access to the nurse office or even prioritized access to the cafeteria to not risk me being pushed and falling in the middle of a crowd. I actually got crushed by someone once. I was kneeling near my locker and someone fell on me. My breath cut short and I had trouble recovering. I only remember one of my friends opening my corset but nothing after that… Weird. But knowing how much I forget traumatic events I’m not even surprised :).

Aside from that, the corset also took away my dream career of becoming a ballerina. It was a harsh reality check for a 12 year-old who already had a lot going on. So to sum it up, the corset physically blocked me, woke up unbearable back pains, made me feel even more abnormal, broke my dreams, ruined my birthday and made my nights even worse. Nice.

And it is only the beginning.

At the same time I also had a really sh*tty friend group. You know this type of friend circle in which everyone swears they’re best friends but spit on each others’ back? Well it was exactly like that. Adding the fact that they truly enjoyed putting only some people aside. I only have one friend from this group to which I still talk to this day. She is the only one who was honest with me, cared and liked me. And she changed schools during our second year, so she clearly got away from all the drama. But we kept contact and we are still really close.

Yet, I lost my best friend of 7 years to this group. She preferred to stay with them even if they were making fun of her behind her back, while I decided to leave and find other friends. Still, I was fairly traumatized by this friendship as one of the girls very clearly confessed in secret that she thought I was nonexistent, invisible and that without me things would be the same… So yeah, trusting people after that was especially hard.

Man, teenage years s*ck…

Eventually I found new friends with whom I felt a bit more like myself - whoever I was at that age. I got closer to this one girl I met at the very beginning of middle school and who is, today, still my beautiful and amazing best friend <3. That year I remember not having so many dark thoughts, but they became a bit too normal. Now that I had new people around me and felt I could express myself, it became really hard for me to repress my feelings. I was so used to bottling everything up, put on a straight face and feeling numb that once I felt a bit more at ease, it was impossible for me to go back.

I felt better with my friends and started questioning myself. Who I was. Who I wanted to become. Who I liked… I was around 14 years-old when I came out to my friends as Bisexual. I had this huge crush on one of my friends and even if I got - kindly - rejected, I knew where I stood. Everyone accepted me, I wasn’t judged by any of them. My siblings didn’t know yet at the time - as we didn’t share the close bond we have today. And my parents still don’t know to this day…

Nevertheless, this new discovery about myself made me question my attraction towards this one female friend of my friend group (just to bring precision, I didn’t and still don’t really hang out with boys much. Idk why lol). And this questioning ended up with me being in my first ever serious relationship, and it was with a girl behind my parents back.

I won’t go into details about this relationship or how catastrophic my middle sister’s first reaction was. But even if I should have known by now, things didn’t go according to plan… LOL.

I started this relationship thinking I had nothing to lose but in the end I lost my sanity and will to live, is that okay with you ? No but seriously, this girl ruined my life. She was what we call a ‘narcissistic pervert’. Literally made me lose any closeness I had to other people, wanting me to care only about her - even at my own expense. She constantly wanted to make me jealous with weird fantasies she had with her former crushes, making me feel like I clearly wasn’t the only one on her mind or even a tiny bit special. Once she even told me that before we got together she also had a crush on another girl, and that if we didn’t start something she might’ve not chosen me… B*tch. She even made me feel guilty for any little thing I could do or say when I tried to communicate - yes, it is called guilt tripping :). She was weirdly sexist, like she took on the ‘stereotypical role of the man’ in the relationship and wanted to be the one to lead the relationship in everything, even when it was uncalled for. She didn’t value my feelings, many times gaslighting me. Towards the end of our relationship, she often made me feel forced to engage in foreplay and sexual acts…

I know that, in a way, it was also my responsibility as I didn’t communicate much, always putting her first but I also felt like I couldn’t because whatever I said or did she put herself in the victim position while I was made the culprit. You know, she even got mad at me once because I fell asleep texting her - I took plant based pills, and they worked really well at the time. And she was aware of how much I struggled sleeping! Everything just had to revolve around her, all the time. It was clearly a one way relationship.

For other anecdotes - because I ended up going into details… :/. Even when I broke up with her, she couldn’t help but guilt trip me. She was literally telling me how cruel I was not to think about the situation she found herself in when I asked her for a break. (Yes, I needed a break first to see if I was better alone and to prepare myself to break up with someone… Oopsies.) Because of our relationship, I lost a friend who sided with her and it completely broke our friend group as no one wanted to hang out with the two of us when we were together. Yes we were f*cking cringe middle schoolers… Yikes.

One of the worst memories I have, concerning her lack of real care for me, was when I harmed myself… I was wallowing in self pity, hating myself and my life when everything was supposed to be better. I was dying with anxiety as important exams were coming up and as usual my feelings were minimized at home, and in my relationship. Even if it was the year I grew closer to my sisters, our relationships were still rocky - especially with my middle sister. I felt like all of my problems were meaningless, and I was the problem, the one to blame. So for an entire week I harmed myself. It was the simplest way I found to prove myself I had a reason to hurt. What better way to prove you’re in pain than having physical wounds ? That was my reasoning. It was also a clear cry for help as I did nothing to hide it. I constantly thought “the bigger it is, people would see it less.” And it always proved to be true.

One evening, I was having dinner with my two sisters and my mom. Simply wearing a tank top, my scarred wrists in plain sight. When my mom asked me what happened to them. I lied, saying that I simply scratched myself too hard with my long nails. And it was never tackled again. My sisters never caught up with it, my mom never asked more. It just went unseen. But, as I said earlier, my ex did even better. I literally showed her and after arguing a bit I just told her it was my way to cope and she answered “if it helps you, I’ll learn to live with it.” What a caring significant other am I right ?

Then after a week of only being able to think about doing it. I stopped because two of my friends found out and made me promise to never start again. But to be honest, I think I never really stopped. I learned that chewing the insides of your mouth (like really aggressively) is also a way to self-harm. I also used to scratch myself really hard when I felt mad at myself. And I happened to try and use a blade once more a few times, but felt extremely pathetic afterwards. I have been quite clean since then, especially since I don’t deny my own feelings and let myself have breakdowns lol.

During highschool I slowly started healing from this amazing relationship. Sadly, my anxiety grew because of school and just as I thought things could still go better… Boom. World wide pandemic. We had to stay focused on school while being stuck at home. It was really hard on me especially because my dad had to work from home while my mom - who takes care of kids at home - didn’t stop working. The cohabitation was less than pleasant. Anyway, I don’t have anything interesting to say about the period, just that it helped me go down the rabbit hole even faster :). A pleasure.

For my last year of highschool, teachers and adults expected us to go back to normal and be perfect students as if Covid never happened. They expected us to be okay. And it was just not possible. My anxiety went haywire as we had really important final exams at the end of the year that I couldn’t fail. All my friends were feeling down, I was feeling suicidal and just wanted to end the pain. I also lost my great-grandmother and a month later - literally two days before Christmas - my dog also passed away. It was a very difficult time for my family. Then came January and I felt more than ever like dying.

Each passing day I was only feeling like life was just a burden. Why did I have to suffer so much just from living ? I had to take the train every day, always thinking of just jumping on the rails. I had to fake a smile every day, to try and forget. To take care of my own friends who were too feeling horrible. I was just so tired…

Then my savior came. One of my close friends went to express their worries about me to one teacher with whom I was very close. She was a PE teacher and my dance option teacher for two years already. One day she asked me to talk after a class and as I exceptionally had finished class early I accepted.

It was the most intense and emotional discussion I ever had.

We both cried - a lot - I confessed everything. I was honest and she brought so much help. Thanks to her my parents became aware of the situation and I got help. She made my mom call a therapist she had heard only good things about and talked to me about what I could do and take to sleep better. I missed her class to go to my first ever therapy session and she often checked up on me. I could never thank her enough for everything.

She saved my life. Literally.

This therapist was special but not bad. He talked a lot and I didn’t always feel heard, but he diagnosed me with chronic anxiety and slight ADHD. Therapy didn’t really help for my inner conflicts but I started to manage my stress a bit better. I passed my exams with less stress and excelled. But I still felt like it wasn’t a good match so I stopped seeing him. I let summer pass, trying to get my mind off of things. Went on vacation with my bestfriend and just tried to feel better.

Things went okay, but I was still bothered by anxiety as I was to start university. And it didn’t miss. Uni is a literal hell. Like what the f*ck ?? Why does it have to be so hard and stress inducing ? September was my way to hell…

I found a new therapist not far from my house. Since then I haven’t changed. My therapist is just amazing. I feel so much at ease with her, I have real conversations and I can freely express myself. I truly feel like it is helping me. Still, it was not enough for me to feel at least a little better on a daily basis so I started taking anxiolytics. It helped a bit but after a month it was clear that I had to take stronger medicine if I wanted to go through it day by day. So after being diagnosed with depression by a first psychiatrist I got prescribed antidepressant and sleeping pills. It was really hard at first as I had a LOT of side effects.

It did not help me sleep at all. The first night I literally did not sleep and had a mental breakdown just as I got up. I got really shaky and I was constantly nauseous. I missed some classes to rest at home but I couldn’t allow myself to miss more. I went on and even if we add to rise the dosage of my medicine I am feeling a bit better today.

I am still on my way towards healing but I think I am on the right path. I am surrounded by amazing people. My sisters and I are closer than ever, best trio ever <3 And I even grew closer to my mom. I express myself way more and try to be positive. It is not easy everyday but I start to finally believe that it might not be that impossible to heal. Right now school is almost finished for me and I never felt better. I am working on myself, trying to improve the person I am in order to become the person I want to be. I take good care of myself, try to change my mind and go out more. I do things I want and do not force myself if I don’t feel like it.

I feel like I am in my healing era. B*tch I’m gonna glow up ;)

Anyway, if you ever went through difficult things I cannot tell you how important it is to surround yourself with good people and get help. It is really hard to ask for yourself, so if you see friends struggling do not hesitate to get them help. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to accept the fact that things aren’t going well and that you have to do something about it. It is not going to be easy, it asks for a lot of effort but you are not alone. We can get through this. And… I think it is going to be worth it.

It’s going to be 5 months since I started being medicated, and 7 months since I restarted therapy. Things are looking good right now. I know I might still face some hard times but I am going to continue trying to feel better. I promise, if you promise to try too, dear reader. <3

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

0 notes

nicoleunfiltereddd · 2 years

Text

2023 New Year Same Me

I feel like I've genuinely found myself in a weird way. I'm leaving behind the idea that I can't have everything I want. The things I think I want but can't have are not meant for me. In Christianity/Catholicism, one of the main teaching points is sacrifice for love. I don't agree with the church anymore but I did have to re-learn that I have to sacrifice the materialistic and wordly desires for the goodness of others. I will no longer eat meat, and I will work towards a life of sustainability because, when I do my part, I believe real change will happen in the world around me. The more I do the more I will learn and the bigger I'll grow.

Sometimes it feels pretty weird to be so connected to the universe, and I resent others for not being as connected as me. I feel so distant at the core from my family. A group of 5 whom I have looked up to all my life. I see them with their beautiful families, some with their religion and some with their relationships with themselves, and I'm scared to pray for them because the change of heart I want them to have may not align with the journey they desire, or the journey they are meant to have. I think we will all spend a long time learning to relate and connect to each other now that we have all grown up and become more whole versions of ourselves.

I started my journey last year. It was a traumatic last 1.5 years and I've finally accepted my "mistakes" and I have started to understand what it means to take life as a journey and learning experience over something to be won. My friend refers to his life as a set of experiments. I believe it is all just a set of experience and randomness that can play out in our favor. I'm on a path to help heal the world and that begins with myself. I am determined to become the wholesome compassionate and dynamic person I wish to be. Part of me hates that it means I'll be a cog in the wheel of capitalism. I am gifted with my marketing and analytical skills and I've learned to accept that part of my journey is to be a part of the fucked up system so that I can begin the change from within. I think about the future and there's so much time for me to create lasting change. So I'm starting, with no rush, no pressure. I'm simply starting with a commitment to be more of myself and show up for myself. To do the things I say I want to without fear that I'll fail. I have affirmed: When I want to do something, I will succeed. It doesn't matter how many times I "fail" in between now and then. But I am determined to hit my goals because what else is there to life then to set out to do something and to do it. I had some of my lowest moments this year. So low. So low I was afraid to have meds in my house. So low I pictured the knives in my kitchen as a way out. So low that I wrote letters to my family and could barely make it through a sentence. I refuse to let the world win. I refuse to let those who harbor evil in their hearts stick around while I don't. My heart of love is meant to be here and I am showing up for it and myself. Every tiny being inside me is begging to bring forth a life of abundance and strength for me and others.

In 2023 I will make my voice heard, I will build my strength, and live righteously so that eventually, there will be less suffering for others.

I'm very happy to be alive right now. I'm grateful for my job, and to have leaders who believe in me and guide me. I'm grateful for my family who accepts me as I am (about as much as I accept them.. we're all working on it). I'm grateful to myself, for sticking out the hard moments. I'm grateful that I'm finally willing to try my hardest to see the beauty of life.

I hope that if you find this, you find what truly drives you and that you let yourself learn and fail and win and lose. It's all balance, yin-yang, karma, whatever you want to call it. You have to have it all because that is what you're here for. Make your story, build your life, manifest what you want. Why not? You only go this way once.

#journal #journaling #mindfulness #strength #nye #ny2023 #2023 #new years resolution #nyr #inspo

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wheredidhiseyebrowsgo · 3 years

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Hello! I don't know if you're still doing asks, but I was wondering if you had any disabled Stiles fics? Blind, deaf, paralyzed etc? If not thats okay but if so thank you so much!

AND

Hey! I just finished reading Cornerstone and Windows on ao3 and I was wondering if you knew of any other blind fics? It doesn't have to be Stiles being blind. I'm just curious. Thank you! I get all my favorite fics from you!

Here you go, Stiles with a disability.

Windows by dr_girlfriend

(28/28 I 83,017 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek has a new neighbor who won't stop looking.

Excerpt:

“You’re blind,” Derek said flatly, the anger draining from him so suddenly he felt almost woozy. His vision cleared, his claws sliding back into blunt fingernails.

“Thanks for the memo, genius,” the kid said acidly. “I can still fucking defend myself, so don’t take another damn step.”

“Fuck, I...I’m sorry,” Derek stuttered.

“What?!” The kid’s brow crinkled. “I mean — what?! You’re fucking sorry!?” His lips thinned into a harsh line. “What, is this some kinda Hallmark movie where you’re discovering the error of your ways because you don’t want to rob a blind person?! That’s fucking condescending, man. I’ll have you know that —”

“Just, wait.” Derek interrupted what was apparently the start of a convincing argument as to why he should rob the kid after all, feeling his head start to spin. “This is — it’s a misunderstanding. I’m — I’m not robbing you. You’re — you’re safe, okay? I’m taking three steps back. Just — just let me explain.”

“Explain why you came busting into my apartment? Yeah, go right ahead, man, I can’t wait to hear this epic tale.”

Cornerstone by Vendelin

(6/6 I 83,738 I Explicit I Sterek)

Suffering from PTSD, ex-Marine Derek Hale moves back to Beacon Hills to open a bookshop and find a calmer life. That’s where he meets Stiles, completely by accident. Stiles is talkative, charming and curious. Somehow, despite the fact that he’s blind, he’s able to read Derek like no one else.

***

Darkness Before Dawn by lanoirpapillon

(1/1 I 856 I Teen I Sterek)

"Due to the actions of the Alpha pack, Stiles goes blind. After the threat is gone, Stiles has to learn to live without his sight, and maybe Derek would make the perfect seeing-eye wolf."

Nothing is Over by CinnamonLily

(1/1 I 2,083 I General I Steter)

Stiles had the perfect life, until his mate died. Again. It's been nine months, and he's not doing well. In fact, he resents everyone else's happiness and has become a hermit on autopilot. Somehow, he's forgotten that Peter never stays dead.

I See You Better by theroguesgambit

(1/1 I 4,686 I Teen I Sterek)

He dreams, sometimes, of his last moments of seeing.

At the church in Mexico, Stiles is blinded by a Berserker. Derek uses his new wolf status to act as a guide dog, while Stiles adjusts to his new reality.

Clueless by HappyJuicyfruit

(1/1 I 4,748 I General I No Pairing)

After everything they’ve been through together, all Derek wants is for his pack to be connected with strong, thriving, pack bonds. And for the most part, its working. The pack is growing, healing, happy.

He just needs to figure out why Stiles hates him so much.

My reflection is not who I am but who I must hide by RainbowDuck

(1/1 I 5,235 I Not Rated I No Pairing)

The first 11 years of Stiles (no one will ever know my real name) Stilinski's life were more of less textbook. The next 3 were hell and if it could go wrong, it did. Stiles and her dad Noah move to Beacon Hills for a new start and it ends up being the worst and the best thing.

In Your Footsteps (I Will Walk) by cywscross

(1/1 I 8,873 I Teen I Steter)

It takes him months, but Stiles gave him a destination, gave him direction, gave him hope, and so he goes.

T: Tremors by brokenes

(1/1 I 9,477 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek tried not to think of hospitals and blood and hearts no longer beating and his legs, leaving it all behind, knowing that Stiles' no longer could. It took him seven years to stop leaving.

Wild Tonic by officerstilinskihale

(1/1 I 11,010 I Mature I Sterek)

Stiles nodded and smiled again, his teeth flashing brightly and he signed something again, before looking frustrated with himself.

“You’re welcome,” Derek told him, feeling a wave of relief when Stiles’ face brightened. That would’ve been awkward if Stiles hadn’t been trying to say thank you.

“I had a really good time, so yeah. I’m glad you came with me,” he said, feeling his face grow hot. Derek wasn’t usually like this. He wasn’t confident. Sure, he had the looks and he could flirt shamelessly when he got hit on, but he always got shy around the people he genuinely liked, not that there was too many of those.

But Stiles didn’t let him dwell on that. He gripped Derek's arm, grinned cheekily and pointed at himself before lifting two fingers. It took a while for Derek to get it but when he did, he couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across his face.

Me too.

Show Your Teeth, Yellow With Desire by ItsMe_Basil

(1/1 I 22,883 I Explicit I Steter)

The man looked up when Stiles stepped into the room, eyes appraisingly taking Stiles in from head to toe before smirking.

"Hello, sweetheart."

Stiles felt his heart jump into his mouth, his breath hitching in his throat. The orderly hadn't stayed long, leaving the two of them alone.

"Peter." He breathed. "You're real."

where the Double Walker dwells by forestofbabel

(10/10 I 38,164 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek looked like he always did, perfectly groomed and a little gruff. Though, as Stiles glanced at him, Derek’s face was lax with surprise.

“Stiles?” Derek asked, sounding flummoxed.

“Dude, I know it’s been a while, but don’t be so surprised I’m hung over in the woods. It’s practically tradition at this point.”

Derek sniffed the air, eyeing him with distrust. “But, you can’t… I just…” he trailed it off like a question, taking a half step forward before pulling out his phone and dialing a number, eyes never leaving Stiles.

Complications by idareu2bme

(15/15 I 42,523 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek hadn’t meant to involve Stiles in all this --Stiles who was warm and pliable in his sleep, whose warm, brown eyes reflected light they would never again see, who had a smile brighter than the sun, and who could see Derek when others never did.

At least the Road to Hell is paved, I'm not good with Stairways by lady emebalia (emebalia)

(80/80 I 170,037 I Explicit I Sterek)

When Derek signs up on a BDSM dating site, he expects things to be straight forward. Turns out the road ahead has more unexpected turns than he thought. But at least Stiles comes well equipped for twists and turns.

Caretakers by em2mb

(14/15 I 277,924 I Teen I Sterek)

Now Lydia sees the white room clearly, Stiles sitting cross-legged on the nemeton in his lacrosse jersey, squinting at a chessboard.

That’s when Lydia realizes her vantage point makes her Stiles’ opponent — and she has him in check.

Her instinct is to push her own king into danger, but Stiles grabs her wrist. “Come on, Lydia,” he says dryly, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Chess might not be your game, but surely you know that’s against the rules.”

Lydia tries to squirm away from him. “But you’ll die,” she insists, his grip tightening so much she’s certain his long fingers will leave bruises.

“Say it, Lydia,” Stiles urges. “Checkmate. Checkmate. Checkmate — ”

#teen wolf #sterek #steter #stiles stilinski #derek hale #peter hale #blind!stiles #deaf!stiles

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sirikenobi12 · 3 years

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Ok this became a whole damn book but please consider bearing with me lol.

I love Anakin Skywalker. He is possibly my favorite character in any story ever, I even relate to him a lot as someone who as bpd. People can make fun and use terms like "stanakin" and "uwukin" mockingly if they want - I AM a stanakin and I'm never gonna be ashamed of wholeheartedly loving my favorite characters. I don't always vibe with the greater Jedi fandom because of their condescending attitude towards Anakin fans - come on people, get excited about your faves and let people get excited about theirs! But I do love the Jedi themselves, all of them. The order, the council, the whole culture.

As an Anakin fan I think it kind of does his story a disservice to view the Jedi as hating him. Are there times when people in his life could have responded better to him? Yeah! No one is perfect. They could have been warmer in TPM and Yoda's advice in ROTS could have been better, and Anakin could have communicated more as an adult. But they undeniably cared about him and he about them. TCW gives us so much wonderful canon content to go on, but even if you look at just the movies though you can see that his relationship with the Jedi is mostly one of respect. Anakin doesn't always agree with the council, but he still respects them and looks up to them. The council recognizes that Anakin is reckless and emotional, but they also recognize that he's a skilled Jedi and general and they give him real responsibility because they trust he can handle it.

The only time not trusting him is ever discussed is in regards to Palpatine, who is he is close friends with. They can trust him as a person and still know it's best to not trust him in regards to this specific mission because it's too personal.

They didn't make him a Jedi Knight and give him a major responsibility as a leader in a galactic war because they hated him and didn't trust him. And this is still just the movies!

In TCW we see him using their first names and they let him which indicates closeness not formality, we see Anakin and Yoda banter and tease each other, we see freaking Mace Windu and Anakin banter! In one of my favorite early arcs of the show, the Holocron Heist/Children of the Force arc, we see Anakin meditating with Yoda, Mace, and ObiWan to find the children. Not another master or member of the council, but Anakin. Same for when Mace, ObiWan, and Anakin use a Jedi mind trick in unison shortly after that. They trust him for all of these things. They give him a padawan because they believe he's ready for it and that he and Ahsoka can learn from each other. Training another Jedi is a huge responsibility and one of the biggest indicators of how capable they view him. They compliment how Ahsoka grows under Anakin's teachings all the time.

Anakin loved being a Jedi and he loved the other Jedi. They loved him too. The problem was that he had so much rage and pain and trauma - and yeah, I think the Jedi could have helped more but I also know that to get help you have to open yourself which he couldn't do - and that Palpatine took advantage of it at every opportunity. He manipulated Anakin's insecurity and fears about not belonging or being good enough. He flat out lied to Anakin about the council multiple times (for example telling him they were furious about his rescue mission of Plo Koon when we literally saw that they were not). Palpatine fostered a resentment and divide between them that otherwise would not have been there.

I don't know if Anakin would have remained a Jedi or left to be with Padme openly, but without Palpatine's influence everything would have been different. Without Anakin Palpatine still would have had his plan for destroying the Jedi, but without Palpatine manipulations pushing him off the edge I don't think Anakin would have fallen.

Anakin is still responsible for the choices he made, terrible choices that destroyed himself and everything he ever loved. The Jedi were part of what he loved.

That's why he's such a tragic and wonderful character. He was a hero and a victim and villain. Diminishing his relationship with the Jedi, as a Jedi himself, diminishes that story.

I agree with your point, absolutely (I do disagree on a couple of your examples, but not the point you were trying to make so I'll leave them alone).

I think fandom as a whole could be better to one another, I know for myself I never even ever remotely thought of separating Anakin from the Jedi, I always thought the tragedy of his story was that they were a team/family - it wasn't until I started getting attacked by rabid Anakin fans on ANY post that I labeled as "pro Jedi" (even if Anakin wasn't a part of the post).

I think both sides are becoming needlessly defensive against the other. I do feel like I'm a broken record, but even though I'm pro Jedi Council I still love Anakin Skywalker (it is possible to love both) - he's an amazing character. He's also an amazing Jedi and friend and that's what makes his fall so tragic!! If he killed the Jedi simply because the Jedi were "mean" to him and he never really loved them, well that just robs Anakin of his redemption arc. I 100% agree with you on that point. I feel like SW fandom has bought into this Jedi were bad narrative based on a couple of terrible YouTube videos who did it just for clicks and it's really sad. It's like somehow Palpatine has driven a wedge between fans of Anakin and fans of the Jedi, when we all should be on the same team. We all need to remember:

#star wars #sw fandom #let's be a better fandom #pro jedi order #pro jedi council #pro jedi #pro anakin #answered asks #ask me things #blame palpatine

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