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l-stintheworld · 6 months

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If I was to tell you what I know you want to hear it's that I am here for you and will help you work through whatever it is you need to talk about. You can lean on my arm as you break my heart, you can be mean to me I can take it and put it inside of me. I'd tell you that you that I truly believe she is trying to make you jealous, and that I know one day she will come back to you because she will realise what she's given up even if that's years down the line, but I dont want you to be alone and spiralling while that happens. If I wasn't so clouded by my feelings I'd explain how she longs for your attention and love but doesn't know how to reciprocate, the same way you can't handle the way I feel for you. Maybe she isn't in as deep as you, but she craves that life long devotion that only you are providing to her. Now she may never come back to you, but she will always long for your feelings for her. She sent you those pictures because she wants you to be mad, she wants you to argue with her because in a fucked up way it shows you care more then you ever could if she was with you and you were happy together. If you allow it, she will do it forever and you should decide whether you are prepared to be that person for her at the cost of the love you could be receiving. But I dont know her, and I dont know 13 years of history between you, I only know what you've told me. It hurts because I'm too afraid to tell you all this because I know it would mean I'd lose you, and I'm being selfish so I will keep it to myself.

But if I was to tell you what I want to tell you for my sake and my feelings, it's that you should cut her out because I don't think she is capable of giving you want you need or deserve. I'm worried you would regret this and grow to resent me for it. I know I could be so devoted to you, and be your biggest cheerleader. You would be the "main character", I could make you feel that way and give you everything you want. But what you said keeps playing in my head, that a few years down the line we could have put in all this work to be together, we could be happy and she would come back and you'd go back to her. Not that I believe it would be a waste of my life, but you have to understand why I can't continue doing this if that's even a slightest possibility. I couldnt live knowing that your biggest regret would be choosing me because even though I know I don't deserve it, all I want someone who would be willing to do anything for me. I know she craves your devotion, because I think all women do. Maybe me saying that about her is just a protection of my own feelings. It's such a huge ask to want someone to care that much, for someone to love me that much so I never will. If I was protecting myself, I'd say we have to give it up sooner rather than later, before we're in a serious life destroying position, but I dont have the strength to do that because you know I've already given up so much for you. Maybe I'm just too emotional, maybe im ignoring every red flag, maybe I hate myself so much I believe I deserve a life of being the consolation prize and even though you have insisted that this isn't what it is, it's clearer that it is.

Instead of saying any of this, I will wait for you to message me first, I will give you space and I'll talk about whatever you want to talk about. I'll wait by the phone for when you when you want to call me and cry on your break, or when you want to sing to me before you go to sleep. I'll be here when you want to play a computer game or watch a YouTube video with me. I'll be here when you want me to be some rival and to argue about politics. I'll be here to give you unconditional love and acceptance when you need it. I'll do it all sobbing from 4500 miles away. I'll stay up until 4am to provide these things, I'll keep my phone on loud so you can wake me up when you finish work to tell me about your day. I'll try to be there for you but I can't pretend it doesn't hurt me that you'll never be there for me in the same way. I never expect that from you.

I just wish things were different, Adam.

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l-stintheworld · 6 months

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eternal lover girl forever giving my entire heart I have accepted i will never get anything in return

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l-stintheworld · 7 months

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Realising I have no real interest in anything but to pretend I have interests. The only thing I do for myself to be sad and cry

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l-stintheworld · 7 months

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