#i am grateful for nothing more than everyone who is so so patient with me right now i apologize for my delays but i swear i am doing things

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Four sighed, taking a sip of his beer as he looked at the embers glowing and crackling in Time’s fire pit. “I hate seeing people in pain and not being able to do anything about it.”

Sky glanced at his friend, wondering where that statement came from. Nobody said anything for a moment, and then Legend piped up.

“Yet you chose to work in a surgical-trauma ICU where everyone is in pain all the time,” he quipped with a little playful smirk to take the edge of the sarcasm.

Warriors snickered, leaning back in his chair, beer bottle held lazily between his fingers. Sky almost laughed at the sight of it, recalling that he and Hyrule had been refilling the bottle with water after their friend’s first drink. The army nurse hadn’t commented on the matter.

“Oh shut up,” Four laughed as well. “I know I set myself up for this. But I… I wanted to help. And I wanted to do nursing that made me feel like I was thinking through puzzles and able to focus on as few patients as possible so I could really get into taking care of things. And I like the thrill of it. But…”

He trailed off a moment, looking around at the group relaxing by the fire pit. Twilight paused briefly in the act of throwing another log on the fire, glancing at Four, before finishing the action, sending sparks showering into the air briefly. Time and Malon watched Four quietly, bundled together under a plaid blanket, Malon’s head on Time’s shoulder. Warriors perked up from his slumped position, head tilting towards the ICU nurse while Legend’s playful smile faded. Wild and Wind paused from eating their s’mores to give Four their attention while Hyrule sat up from where he’d been laying in a burrito of blankets on the grass.

Sky watched Four try to ask what he wanted, and as much as he wanted to prompt his friend he knew to wait.

“Does it ever get better?” Four finally asked. “The compassion fatigue. I’ve only been in nursing a short while and I can already feel it. Am… am I done?”

Sky bit his tongue, remembering when he’d asked Legend a similar question. But Sky had been through a war and had been flying sick, injured, and dying patients for years now. Four was still a fairly new nurse, wasn’t he?

He supposed it didn’t matter. Everyone’s exposure and experience was different. Four very clearly was uneasy about this.

Warriors spoke up first, sitting up. “It comes and goes, buddy.”

“Sometimes you just have to stop and remember they’re people,” Legend added. “We… you know, when everyone’s worst day is your workday you have to shut it off. It’s not…”

“We have to protect ourselves,” Sky picked up for his dear friend. “We suffer when they suffer. But if you let it get to you then you can’t focus on helping them. You’re not a bad person for doing that. For…”

Well. Were they bad people for feeling nothing when their patients were in pain?

Honestly, Sky knew there wasn’t a single person in this group who felt absolutely nothing. They just redirected what they felt into something else. Dark jokes to make a bad situation funny, frustration to turn strong emotions into rambling with coworkers… they all felt it somehow.

But it did make it hard to remember who they were taking care of sometimes.

Sky was grateful he just flew his helicopter. He wasn’t sure he could tolerate much more exposure than that, honestly.

“I don’t know if it ever gets better,” Warriors finally said. “It’s kind of just something you learn to live with.”

“I’ve seen nurses who have all the compassion in the world,” Twilight noted. “But I also have no idea how they do it, honestly.”

“Oh, you mean like you, Mr Biggest Bleeding Heart in the Room?” Legend remarked. “I bet you’re everyone’s favorite CNA over there. I don’t know how the hell you deal with sick kids day in and out.”

“It’s a lot easier when you’re the tech walking in and out of the room instead of the nurse responsible for that kid’s life,” Twilight argued mildly. “I mean, I do get attached and I want to take care of all of them, but I’m also so spread out it makes encounters shorter. So like… I don’t know, not as much burnout I guess. Except for the chronic kids.”

“Well, techs make a hell of a difference,” Four noted. “I’d be so screwed without you guys.”

“Back to the point,” Twilight frowned, waving a dismissive hand. “I’m sure even the kindest nurses have moments when they just can’t let themselves get hurt anymore. You’re not a jerk for being worn out from constantly watching people suffer.”

“What’s important, love, is getting out and having moments like this,” Malon piped up. “You boys all tend to self isolate when you’re not working, and all that does is make work your entire life. Take time for yourself but go out in the world too. We’re all here for each other. That’s why we had this tonight.”

Four sighed a little, glancing down at the fire. Sky elbowed him teasingly, smiling. “Hey. You can’t be any worse than Legend.”

The travel nurse perked up, face flushing and eyes wide with irritation as Warriors wheezed. “HEY!”

Everyone started to laugh while Legend rolled his eyes and threw his hands in the air. But Sky knew it was just theatrics; after all, he and Legend had talked about this very thing a few weeks ago.

Healthcare broke people. They all knew that. But a little crack here and there could be supported, one person holding the other up. Sky wasn’t sure how long any of them could last in any one area, but he knew they’d try to make it work.

[koiscarrds]

SHOUKOUS ( STILL IMAGES & GIFS ) ... carrd commission, custom psd used.

[annievrse]

my diamond

duke!sukuna x spinster!reader —ᡣ𐭩 fic w/c: 1k a/n: bridgerton!au!!!!! (everyone cheers)

"—the duke has arrived—"

"—i don't look half good enough for him tonight—"

"—i hear he's looking for a duchess!"—"

"—you must make haste, he won't be here for long—"

the ballroom erupts in a cacophony, but you stand against the wall with a glass of lemonade, rolling your eyes at the dramatics. being in your early twenties and already deemed a spinster by many mamas in the ton, you're grateful you're past your debutant years when men triple your age regard you with the same respect they'd give a stack of hay.

"finally found you," shoko stumbles into you, almost sloshing her drink onto your gown. you pay no mind to her, keeping your eyes trained on the crowd surrounding the entrance. "mr gojo wouldn't stop putting grapes into my glass. i was going to have to give him a facer if he didn't stop."

you tilt your head to look at her. "how's promenading with mr gojo?"

shoko rolls her eyes. "dreadful. all he speaks of is himself and his nightly activities at the gentleman's club."

you smile and shake your head, sipping your drink. the music cut off at the duke's arrival resumed, and couples began dancing again.

"—he looked at me—" a young woman gloats to her friend as they pass.

"ugh," you groan, glancing at shoko, who's trying to hide the empty dance card on her wrist. "i can't believe this," you mumble, face in a scowl.

"can't believe what?"

you turn to face her. "these girls tripping over themselves for a man! a man, shoko."

the brunette nods to whatever you're saying, though she pays no attention. "he's most likely more gentlemanly than mr gojo—"

"—he's most likely," you cut in. "an old, egotistic, unsightly rake who wants nothing more than a young lady to put his rotting, wrinkly—"

shoko stifles a sudden giggle before you, her hand covering her mouth.

"what?" you snap, gaze narrowed at your best friend.

shoko merely points behind you, her face slack at seeing something you cannot.

so, you turn. your line of sight is hindered by a navy coat, and as your eyes adjust, you realise it is, in fact, attached to a man. you peer at the ground as you lower to a curtsy. "my lord."

"good evening, miss."

shoko takes the cup from your hands before she leaves, sparing you no support. your eyes follow her retreating figure, your face hot and your hands shaking in embarrassment.

"i apologise greatly, my lord—" you finally tilt your head up, but the sight that welcomes you isn't one you'd expected.

the man is tall, taller than the other men of the ton. his skin is like porcelain, his eyes a deep shade of brown, and his cheeks are tinted a shade of pink, and, you squint slightly, so is his hair.

"i hope you do not mind the intrusion," the man says, snapping you out of your daze. "i was simply going to ask what could have gotten a young woman, such as yourself, so riled up?"

your mouth opens and closes like a fish, something your mama had taught you to never do in the presence of royalty or a man. the man chuckles at your stunned countenance but waits patiently until you collect yourself.

"i was simply describing the duke who had arrived just before, my lord," you say once you have composed yourself. "it is a known fact here that such men are of the sort."

"indeed," he mumbles, a hint of laughter in his response. "however, this duke is nothing of the sort."

your eyebrows raise and you nod along. "so, you've seen him then?"

"seen him? i know him personally."

you nod, smoothing out your skirts. "right."

"i can give you an introduction if you would like?"

you sigh. "i am terribly busy, you see," throwing your thumb over your shoulder. "spinster responsibilities."

the man's eyebrows jumped. "oh, so you're unmarried and unwilling to partake in such a thing?"

shaking your head, you scoff, earning a few glances from others around you. "two and twenty is barely old enough to be considered a spinster, my lord, but my mama insists it is appropriate, and who am i to be doubtful of her wisdom?"

"right," he mutters, the corner of his lips upturning at the sight of yours doing the same. "so, i shouldn't introduce a diamond, such as yourself, to the egotistic and unsightly duke?"

your cheeks burn with the humiliation of your previous words. "i accept the offer, but only because you are incredibly persuasive, my lord."

the man winks, but remains where he is stood. you clasp your hands before you, waiting for him to lead the way.

moments pass, and you notice debutants and mamas alike watching the pair of you stand in complete silence. you wonder what could be so exciting that the ton stands and stares at you—a topic of gossip that never seems to leave their minds.

growing increasingly uncomfortable, you peer up at the man.

"so, when is this introduction taking place?" you ask, voice meek.

"right now," he smiles, his brown eyes twinkling with mischief. and with fear, you realise your mistake.

you curse under your breath and curtsy.

"stand up," the duke laughs, and you can't help but giggle nervously with him. "it took you long enough to realise."

now you know why the ton was staring at you so intently—it wasn't you they were staring at.

"excuse me for being so naive," you swipe the back of your hand across your forehead, trying to ignore how his gaze caresses your collarbone.

"never mind that," he waves his hand in dismissal. "so, what's the final verdict? my diamond?" he teases, stretching his arms out.

"uh—" you pause, taking your time running your eyes over every inch of him. "definitely not unsightly."

he nods once, his lips pulled into a devilish grin. "i'm pleased."

and then he leans down and takes your hand in his. his palm is larger than yours, and you notice his grip is firmer and more sure than any man who'd held your fingers before. the look he gives you through his lashes is one you'll never forget.

"duke of st. john," he says against your hand before pressing his lips delicately against the silk fabric of your gloves. "but you can call me ryomen."

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Precious Truths: Part 13

Fandom: Bridgerton

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x F!Reader

Summary: After your father finds out you’ve been writing under a male pseudonym, he threatens to marry you off to an atrocious man unless you find yourself a husband within a month’s time.

A/N: hello! yes, finally, an update! thank you to all of you who were patiently waiting for this. tbh the Benophie announcement gave me a bit of a spark of motivation to finish this chapter! enjoy!

Series Masterlist

My dearest Y/N,

I am not sure what else to say other than I am sorry. I am sorry for making you feel as though you meant nothing to me. I must admit, due to my own self-induced heartbreak, I refused to read your letters previously. However, you will not find me doing that again. I have missed your friendship dearly. It is my own fault for doing this to us. I will never do that to you again, I promise.

Always feel free to write to me. You will receive a response from me, now and always.

Yours,

Benedict

You read the short letter over and over again. You're in a bit of disbelief, yet you're overjoyed. You kept your expectations low after sending that letter to Benedict. However, you're pleasantly surprised that not only has he written back, but he desires to renew your friendship once more.

You immediately go to your writing desk and begin to write a reply.

You spend some time writing everything down, how grateful you are for Ben, how you've been spending your days, as well as your moments of grief.

James' parents have provided good company to you. Ever since meeting you, that have been so kind and loving. They remind you of how your parents used to be prior to your mother's passing.

In your letter, your relay to Benedict how you've been trying to write poetry to help you process and cope James' passing, but nothing has come from these attempts.

Admittedly, Benedict was your muse for so long. After he left, James became your muse. Now he's gone. You don't want to think about Benedict potentially taking up the place as your muse again. A part of you feels as though that would be a betrayal to James, however, your muse was originally Benedict...

It's fine. You won't worry about it too much right now. You'll just take things day by day.

After you finish your letter, you fold and seal it. Calling upon a footman, you ask him to send it to Benedict and the young man leaves promptly.

__________________________

Dear Benedict,

I may be going stir-crazy here. Mama and papa have been very loving and supportive, however, I feel that, even in this large estate, I cannot get away.

I've been riding a lot more than usual now just to get out. I know, it is shocking to me as well since I was never fond of it. However, now I find myself wanting to ride every single day just to be out and about.

Maybe I should discuss with mama and papa if I can start accepting guests again. For I am not sure how much longer I can take this.

Anyway, I hope you are well. It has been some time since we last exchanged letters. I am sure you have been busy with the new exhibit coming up. I hope it is successful. Everyone will be able to see just how talented you are.

I am so proud of you and what you have achieved, Ben. Never forget that.

Yours,

Y/N

Benedict sighs, reading over your letter. He is visiting his family, taking break from working on his last painting for the exhibition.

"What ails you, brother?" Eloise asks as she sits beside him.

"Would it be improper if I were to visit Y/N soon?" he asks her with confliction written on his face.

"Why would it be improper? You two are friends again, yes?" Eloise asks confused.

He lets out a deep breath before explaining, "After the death of a spouse, it's customary to mourn them for a year before accepting guests and taking part is society again. It's only been sixth months."

Eloise scoffs, "Benedict, you know that I am the last person to tell you of what you should or should not do in terms of societal rules."

"Of course," he says with a roll of his eyes.

"What is it that you really want to ask me?"

Benedict remains silent, contemplating on how he should ask his sister.

The truth is, Benedict has felt whole again. Having you back in his life has brought so much happiness, familiarity, and comfort that he's been seeking for the past few years.

It's clear to him that his love for you will never seize. You will always remain a part of him and he will always hold you in a special place in his heart. However, if he takes this step to be close to you again, will it end in heartbreak once more? He doesn't want to think of such an outcome, but there's always a possibility. No. Nonsense. He can't think about that.

Benedict may love you, but you are first and foremost his best friend. Therefore, any feelings he has of you must be cast aside. Being your friend, in your company, speaking with you, being there for you, that is the priority. Benedict's feelings be damned. He will not make the same idiotic mistakes he made before. He's wiser and stronger now.

The relationship you two share is much more important, now that ever.

Benedict turns to Eloise and smiles, "I think I'll alright, Eloise," he stands with confidence.

His sister looks at him with uncertainty, "Are you sure? You're not going to do anything stupid again, are you?"

He shakes his head, "No. I promise, I am better. I will be better for Y/N."

"If you're sure," Eloise says before Benedict exits the sitting room.

______________________

The wind is blowing through your hair as you ride through the forest. It is midday and you have a lot of energy. James' horse, now yours, Bluebell, is fast and agile. She leaps over bushes and fallen tree trunks with ease.

You and Bluebell have gotten quite close these past few months. She's been able to grant you the freedom you've been aching for.

The first three months after James' passing were hard. Now six months later, you've finally accepted his death. It was unexpected and there was nothing you could do to help. You had loved him dearly and he accepted and understood you like very few have.

You are grateful for the short time you had with him, but now you'd like to slowly move on with your life.

You've been trying to get back into writing. Very few pieces have come out well. The rest thrown into the fireplace, burning to ash so you wouldn't have to see it again.

You've come to realize that the few works that have been kept, you've come up with while riding. Another reason why you have gone out a lot more. You're trying to find that spark again that you once had before James' passing.

You stop at a small creek flowing through the Montclair land. You dismount Bluebell and guide her to the water so she may quench her thirst and rest a bit. You sit by the creek, watching as the water flows by. You listen to the birds chirping, the trees swaying in the wind.

You think about how you've been feeling the past six months. How only in the late hours of the night is when you experienced the heart ache of James' passing, how you felt knowing you will no longer experience his freeing and doting love.

You pull out your journal from your satchel and begin to write:

Deep in the shadows where heartache grew

Mourning hearts match skies of grey

A love once bright as morning dew

Now drifted gone as night to day

The halls keep our memories

Our laughter and tears

Walking among those walls, memories sunken

deep within the seas

It's short yet conveys the feelings you want it too. You don't hate it, but it may need some work. So you keep it in your journal and stand. Some time has passed for Bluebell to catch a break. You mount her once more and head back to the estate in more of a trot rather than a flying gallop.

When you arrive back, you see Clarissa waiting for you.

"Something the matter?"

She gives you a small smile, "I know Jean Louis and myself have informed you of the mourning customs, however, it has been brought to our attention that sometimes one does not need twelve months to mourn the loss of her husband."

"Mother?" you ask her confused.

"I just know that you have always been more of a free spirited woman, which is why James was so drawn to you. I also know that you did love him dearly and I will not be upset that you shorten your mourning period. You wanted to be free from societal standards from the very beginning, therefore, we will allow you to start accepting guests back at this home. You are also free to go back to yours and James' home in London."

You're not sure why your mother-in-law is saying all of this, "I-Thank you, mama. I do appreciate all of that, however, I must admit I am confused why you are mentioning this."

"I received a letter from Mister Benedict Bridgerton. He was requesting to see you."

Your eyes widen in surprise, "I assure you, I didn't ask him to do that. I was planning on asking you myself."

Your mother-in-law chuckles, "Yes, well, it seems Mister Bridgerton beat you to it."

You sigh, "So it seems."

"Everyone mourns differently, cheri, we understand that you would also like to be in the company of others during this time. Mister Bridgerton is a close friend of yours, yes?"

You nod, "He is. I'll make sure we can be seen and-"

Clarissa chuckles, "You don't have to worry about those things here, cheri. I trust you. I will write back to Mister Bridgerton right now."

You curtsey, "Thank you, mama. As usual, your kindness is greatly appreciated."

The older woman sighs, walking up to you and cupping your face, "You never have to thank me for kindness. It is a mother's duty to listen and understand her children. Although you are not my blood, you are my daughter just the same."

Her words brings tears to your eyes. She reminds you so much of your own mother, it hurts a little. To know that your own mother can't be here with you during this time. You're sure she would have provided a lot of her wisdom and advice. Nonetheless, you are grateful to now call Madame Montclair as your own mother.

"Thank you, again."

"Of course," she kisses your cheek, "Best wash up before lunch, yes?"

"Right. Excuse me," you pick up your skirt and rush back into the house to have a quick bath.

[notsoattractivearenti]

Start of A New Life (Christian Pulisic x Fem!Reader)

WC: 4.3K

Warnings: pregnancy, childbirth descriptions, slight mentions of difficulty concieving

A/N: dad!christian for you all!!! this is so not proofread lol. hope you guys enjoy and i’d love to hear your thoughts thru ask/reply/reblog 💗 apologies for any errors! feedbacks are highly appreciated 🤍

—

Two red lines. “Pregnant - 2-3 weeks”. Another two red lines.

My heart suddenly skips a beat. My hands start shaking and I feel a gasp just leave my mouth. I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now. Is this real? I thought to myself. I have to take another look at all three pregnancy tests that I’m holding on both of my hands just to make sure I didn’t see them wrong and of course, nothing changed. Tears start to fall from my eyes, I am on cloud nine knowing a mini me – or my husband – is growing inside me. It’s happening… It’s really happening! 

—

Christian and I have always wanted children of our own, and we have been trying for a baby for more than a year. We are well aware that not everyone will get pregnant as soon as they start trying, but honestly, at some point it can be exhausting and painful during the period. We had gone to the doctor, got ourselves checked up and luckily no issues were found, so the doctor just suggested we keep trying and be patient. There were times when we were so close to giving up – I was sick of seeing negative results over and over again – but we reminded ourselves that if it’s meant to be, it will happen when it happens and there are couples who have been trying to conceive way longer than us and still haven't succeeded.

I used to constantly apologize to Christian whenever I got a negative result on the pregnancy test because I felt like the problem was me and I was afraid I could never give him a child – I truly wanted to fulfill one of his lifelong dreams: becoming a father. And every single time Christian would tell me to stop apologizing to him and quit being hard on myself because it was never my fault. I knew he felt disappointed to see a single red line instead of two, but like always, he cared a lot more about my feelings. He never failed to comfort me during those times and would go out of his way just to make me feel better – and I am forever grateful to have such a loving and supportive partner for the rest of my life.

��

Christian has been in training since this morning – shortly before I found out I’m pregnant – so I decided to plan a special, little way to reveal the grand, long-awaited news before he goes home. I really cannot wait to see his reaction and I’m “positive” it’s going to be the sweetest thing ever. Since he transferred to his new club, he usually comes home from training feeling all happy and pumped up – imagine how he will be when he finds out he’s going to be a dad! My man may not be the most expressive person in the world, but I know no matter how little he would show his emotion on the surface, he is going to feel immense happiness deep inside his heart.

I searched through Pinterest for some references and after a while, I finally made up my mind. I don’t necessarily have good eyes on aesthetics and stuff so I just go for a simple way. I go look for some adorable little pregnancy announcement onesies, a gift box, and a few small decorative pieces so it would at least look cute and pleasing. I arrange the “present” as soon as I get home, put the box on the kitchen counter, and write a note on the outside – it says: “For my special man ♥ ps: no question asked! ;)”.

A few hours later, he finally comes home.

“Y/N, sweetheart, I’m home!”

Usually, I would come to him at the front door, greet him back and we would start sharing about each other’s days. But this time, I’m pretending not to hear him and make myself look busy in the kitchen – even though Christian and I actually cleaned the entire kitchen last night. To be honest, the reason I’m doing this is to cover my nervousness. I know he’s going to be excited but a little part of me worries he would change his mind about having a child after so many failed “attempts”.

“Y/N?” He sounds confused.

He then goes around the house looking for me before eventually finding me in the kitchen. I can hear his footsteps but I keep pretending like I am completely unaware of him. He comes over to me and hugs me from behind, and greets me with kisses – and of course, I act surprised when he does that.

“Hey baby, did you not hear me?”

His raspy, gentle voice gives me chills. It never fails to make me feel weak on my knees. But for now, I have to keep my act together.

“Oh sorry, I got so caught up here washing dishes!”

I’m trying to make an impromptu excuse but I’m pretty sure it sounds really weird to him now. I mean, right now there are no dirty dishes to wash except one mug I currently have in my hands… I just know he is a bit confused.

“Umm, Y/N, didn’t we just wash th-”

“So how was training?” I cut him off before he questions me any further.

“Well, great as always. Tired, sure, but you know…” He pauses to kiss my neck, “whenever I see you after training, I am so recharged right away.”

I bite my bottom lip and feel my cheeks are turning red. Ugh, focus Y/N… Remember the big news you have yet to tell him! I remind myself quietly.

“Recharge? What am I, a phone charger?”

I instantly regret that lame, super unfunny joke I just said. He chuckles, I believe he is just being the supportive partner he always is.

“Okay, yeah, that’s a good one, Mrs. Pulisic.”

“Oh by the way, I think I see something that looks like a gift right over there,” he points to the gift box over the counter, “is that for me?”

“I don’t know… Maybe?”

“What is it?” He straightforwardly asks about it.

“Christian…” I sigh.

“What did I do to deserve it?” He quickly asks again.

I turn around, rolling my eyes at him to show him in a jokey way that his questions annoy me.

“My goodness, Christian, just open the goddamn gift!”

He quickly walks across the room while saying the phrase “What’s in the box? What’s in the box???” repeatedly. I carefully watch every little move he makes – I really want to cherish this moment.

“Awww, baby, am I really your special man?” He cutely pouts and puts his hands over his chest when he reads the notes.

I can’t help but laugh at his adorable face.

When he starts opening the gift box, I can feel my heart jump a little. I subconsciously start fidgeting my fingers and shake my legs – I really am that nervous. I almost certainly know that he’s going to react positively but, what if I could be wrong?

Before I know it, I see him gasping, then has his hands covering his mouth, with both of his eyes widened. He then turns to my direction with the look of disbelief written all over his face.

“Y/N???” His jaw drops and his breath hitches.

“Are we… Are w-” He is really caught off guard by this big news he is losing words for a moment.

“Uhm, sorry, I uh, I wh-” he pauses for a good second before continuing, “Are we having a baby???”

“Yeah…” I excitedly nod in response. “I just found out this morning.”

He then runs back to me, hugs me tight and buries his face in between my neck and shoulder – I can slightly feel his tears over my shoulder.

“You’re going to be a dad, Christian.” I whisper to him.

And just like that, I just made him cry even harder.

“My love…” He sobs. “Thank you… Thank you. I love you!”

He looks down and puts his hand on my tummy, then his eyes go straight into mine.

“It’s a bit surreal thinking about how our child is now growing inside you… You’re unbelievably amazing, Y/N.”

He then kneels in front of my tummy while holding my waists with both his hands, and talks to our growing child.

“Hi little angel, I can’t wait to meet you… I love you so much already.” He kisses my tummy after.

—

We started telling our family and close friends a few days after the first sonogram. Everyone was so happy for us and has been very lovely and wonderful to us – especially me, of course. Both mine and his family would go all the way to make sure I got everything I need, and the moms have been offering generous help and willingly guiding me through my first pregnancy whenever I need them to.

During the ultrasound, Christian didn’t let go of my hand even for a second and asked the doctor so many questions that I didn’t even think about – apparently the night before he had done his research and I was not aware of that. When we got to see our growing fetus on the screen and listen to their heartbeat, Christian – who usually doesn’t really show his emotions on his face –  became very emotional and it kind of freaked me out. Being a dad is truly one of the biggest dreams he has ever had. Now that it’s really coming true, his emotions are all over the place and because he is not used to experiencing such overflowing emotions, he is still trying his best to manage them. Though I think that is adorable, I just love to make fun of him for it.

“You know, Chris, I’m wondering who the hell is actually with a baby?” I poke fun at his “hormonal” reaction. “Because it’s like your hormones are going crazy while I’m here able to control my emotions.”

“Oh shut up,” he moans, “what’s happening is that my heart is warmer now while yours is still ice cold.” 

My jaw drops at his immediate, clever clap back. Oh how I love sassy Christian!

“Stop it!” I laugh really hard. “That’s a good burn on me, Pulisic!”

—

Since Christian found out we are expecting, he has been extra attentive, present and caring to me. Though I appreciate it greatly, it can be too much sometimes. Therefore I would ask him to back down a bit and thankfully he never fails to understand that I still need my space.

No matter how busy he might be, he never wants to miss going to every doctor appointment. He also always pays very good attention to our baby’s development – he even has a binder made specifically for it. He gets excited all the time when the baby kicks, and when the baby is kicking so hard he would talk to my tummy.

“Sweetheart, please be good in there. Don’t hurt Mommy, okay?”

“My little angel, don’t kick Mommy’s tummy that hard, please. Let’s not make Mommy feel hurt.”

He always communicates with the baby and every time, they would respond to Christian. It’s like they have bonded really well even before they meet, and the thought of him being so close with our child really melts my heart.

He loves taking pictures of my growing bump. Every single time he would tell me I look really beautiful while carrying our child, and my reaction would either be thanking him shyly or telling him to shut the crap – depending on my mood that day, really. Pregnancy has given me mood swings lately I can’t even predict how I would be feeling that day whenever a new day starts. But Christian has always had a lot of patience and I admire how he would perfectly handle me no matter how good or bad my mood might be. Yeah, he is without a doubt going to be the best parent and I can’t wait to witness it.

We decided to not find out about our baby’s sex because we want to surprise ourselves. Besides, we really don’t care if we’re having a boy or a girl. We don’t want to set certain expectations especially when it comes to their sex or gender because all we care about is that they’re healthy and come to this world all safe and sound. Although, we have prepared some names – but we don’t feel like making the final decision before the baby is actually born.

—

Today I woke up at 4 in the morning to a cramp on my stomach – a bit similar to the menstrual cramps I used to have at the beginning of my period. It comes and goes irregularly, and at first I got scared thinking something bad might be happening. But then I remember what my doctor had explained before: the cramp might be a sign of early labor. I then wake Christian up, letting him know I am possibly entering the early labor stage. When I tell him about it, his eyes widen all of the sudden and he slightly jumps off the bed.

“Wha- Y/N should we just get you to the hospital right now???” He sounds so worried.

“No, I don’t think so. Let’s just time each contraction and when the contraction interval is around 5 to 7 minutes, then we can go.”

I have to explain it calmly because he is visibly alarmed. Even after I do so he is still looking so tense.

“Chris, I’m alright. You can relax for now.” I assure him.

“Okay,” he takes a deep breath before continuing, ”if you say so.”

—

Almost 15 hours later, the contractions start to come closer apart and when I check my phone, the interval of last contraction to current contraction is 5 minutes, so I tell Christian that it is finally time to go to the hospital. Already dressed, he immediately grabs the car keys and sets up some blankets on the passenger’s seat in case my water breaks. After that, he goes back into the house to grab hospital bags then puts them in the trunk of our car. Not long after, he sees me struggling to get into the car, so he gently helps me and once I get in, he makes sure I am sitting comfortably before locking all the doors at our house.

“Okay, everything is set, now it’s time to go.” He says as he starts the car.

He looks at me for a second and gives me a kiss on my forehead before he takes the wheel.

“Let’s go have a baby, shall we?”

—

The midwife informs me that I’m now 10 centimeters dilated, meaning it is finally time to push. I am still in incredible pain and genuinely terrified to do so because I don’t know if I can still bear the pain while pushing a full-sized human baby out of my vagina. Also, I have heard about this thing called “ring of fire” – it’s the strong burning sensation that you will experience when your baby is crowning – and now that it’s about to happen, I can’t stop thinking about it. While getting into the birthing position, I turn to Christian who is standing next to me.

“Christian, I’m scared…” I whimper. “I don’t know if I can do this…”

Hearing what I say truly breaks his heart. He hates knowing I’m scared yet he can’t do anything about it except giving me the encouragement he knows I need. He then looks deep into my eyes, smiling at me while caressing my hair, with his other hand holding mine tight.

“Yes you can, my love.” He softly says.

“You are the strongest person I have ever known so I know you know you absolutely can! It’s okay to be scared but baby, I’m here.” He kisses my forehead. “Let’s go meet our little angel, yeah?”

I nod and take some deep breaths to prepare myself. Then I let the doctor know I’m ready and they immediately tell me to start pushing.

One push, two pushes, those were not so bad. Starting from third push, it starts to feel very, very painful.

“You’re doing great my love!”

He is basically being my ultimate cheerleader the whole time. He doesn’t let go of my hand no matter how hard I might grip his hand. He says he doesn’t feel a thing though I know he is lying his butt off for my benefit.

“Chris this hurts so bad…” I bawl, squeezing his hand hard. “This really hurt…”

His eyes suddenly become all teary. He can no longer hide his ache seeing the woman he loves greatly has to endure unthinkable pain to bring his child into the world.

“My love I’m sorry…” He weeps. “I’m sorry you have to go through this… But sweetheart you know you can keep going, a few more pushes and our baby is here…”

I keep pushing even though at some point I didn’t feel like I could do it anymore. But having Christian there gives me the strength I need during the birthing process.

“Y/N, let’s give one big final push!” Says the doctor.

“Uh, yeah, okay…” I say to them as my breath hitches.

I’m already very exhausted but unfortunately there’s no way I can stop. I can feel my baby is crowning and this “ring of fire” sensation is no joke – so when the doctor told me to do one final push all I can think of is that this pain will be over soon.

“C’mon sweetheart! You can do this!”

I hear a loud crying from my baby.

“Congratulations, it’s a girl!” The doctor excitedly announces.

“Oh my God, honey, we have a daughter!” I turn to Christian and see him already flooded with tears.

“Our little princess…” He sobs. “One more beautiful girl for me to love for the rest of my life.”

—

Christian and I can’t stop looking at our newborn daughter. 

“Chris, look at her… She’s so tiny.”

“These little fingers are the cutest.”

She wraps Christian’s forefinger with her entire hand.

“She has your lips, Y/N.” He points out. 

“Yeah… But she mostly has your features so I was basically just an oven!” I jokily grunt.

“Well you know it isn’t my fault that my genes are more prominent, is it?” he playfully replies, “I’m just that good.”

I roll my eyes, pretending to be irritated.

“Smug butthead.”

“Hey, watch your words, Mommy!” 

Christian got me laughing and blushing. He just reminds me that I’m a mom now! It feels like we just had the talk about growing our family yesterday and the next thing I know I am now in a hospital, just giving birth to our sweet little angel who is sleeping peacefully in my arms at this moment. This still doesn’t feel real… Our lives are now officially changed forever and I couldn’t imagine mine before her.

“Hey,” Christian wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder, then whispers, “I love you.”

I have not stopped smiling and I can feel my smile getting wider.

“I love you.” I reply.

“You’re my everything, Y/N.” He adds.

“Oh no, you’re about to say some sappy monologue aren't you?”

“Yeah, here it comes…”.

Before he says his little speech he kisses me on the cheeks.

“Y/N… I can never thank you enough. You have made my dreams come true and I still don’t know why I deserve you in the first place! Thank you for making my life a lot more perfect than I ever imagined.”

I’m starting to sob.

“Christian…”

“I hated seeing you in so much pain just to bring her into the world.” He continues. “I wish it was me instead… But you continue to amaze me with your strength. And now, I love you so much more – more than I ever love anyone, even myself. Ever since you came into my life you have changed my world for the better. I never wanted to live my life with anyone else but you, and I’m beyond grateful we have a beautiful child together.”

“I will take good care of my girls for as long as I live…” His voice starts to shake. “I love you. I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Y/N.”

Tears immediately streaming down my face. I just gave birth so my hormones are all over the place, and his beautiful speech doesn’t help. He got me speechless and extremely emotional.

“Ugh,” I jokingly grunt as I wipe my tears with my hand, “how dare you make me cry, Pulisic.”

And suddenly we see our baby giving us her first big smile – it’s like she is reacting to all the love and emotions her parents are experiencing right now!

“Awwwww!” Christian and I make the same sound in unison.

And of course, it makes me cry even harder. Christian is emotional too, by the way, but not as messed up as I am currently. He grabs some tissues and gently wipes my face – which is all wet thanks to the river of tears – with them right away as I am still holding our daughter.

“Y/N, my love, I don’t think you will ever stop crying from now on, no?” He laughs.

“Obviously not!”

—

“So, have you two decided on baby girl’s name?”

Christian and I instantly look at each other when the nurse asks that question. As I said, we have prepared some names for our baby but we have yet to choose the perfect name for her. Christian then grabs a piece of paper with the list of names from his pocket and as soon as the nurse leaves the room, we start discussing right away.

“Okay, uh… Which one do you love the most, Y/N?”

“I don’t know, Chris,” I reply, “there are too many options.”

“Well you can’t say you don’t know,” Christian sighs, “we have to pick two.”

An idea suddenly passes through my head.

“Why don’t we try this out: we say any name we each feel perfectly fitting for her at the same time. What do you think?” I suggest.

“Yeah okay, it’s worth a try.” He agrees.

“Alright, let’s say it in the count of three.” I instruct him.

“One, two, three…”

“Dylan!”

“Emery?”

He didn't sound sure at first, but then changed his mind immediately. “Oh, I like both names!”

“Dylan Emery Pulisic… It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

I agree with him. I look at our little bundle of joy in my arms and I just know those names were made for her.

“Yeah, that’s definitely her name.”

—

Even though we are now taking care of our newborn together, Christian did have to  fight just to get enough paternity leave. It was not easy for him because Dylan was born in the middle of the season and he is one of the most crucial players for the team, but he really wanted to take care of his daughter especially during the first few weeks of her life. Not only that, he feels like I have done so much already and he wants to also take care of you while you recover from the whole pregnancy and childbirth periods. He wouldn’t even mind getting less playing time when he comes back, because in his own words: “Now my priorities are my girls, football is much less important than both of you.”

Before Dylan was born, Christian had been practicing basically everything to prepare him for fatherhood. He can change the diapers, clean and bathe the baby, perfectly wrap her, he knows how to help soothe the baby, burp her after feeding – anything, really. He truly is excited to embrace this new life as a parent.

Dylan’s first week at home was hard, I had to adjust my sleeping schedule because until she’s a bit older I have to feed her every 2-3 hours and it messes up my sleeping. Not only that, she would loudly scream and cry all of the sudden and it mostly happens in the middle of the night. But Christian is always there, ready to help no matter how tired he might be – it’s a bare minimum but not all dads would be very hands-on like him – and I’m beyond grateful I don’t have to do everything alone. We always stay up late together, like when I have to feed Dylan at 12 AM and 3 AM. Most of the time, when we heard Dylan crying in the other room, he would tell me to go back to sleep and offer to take care of her. I would see them from the baby monitor and I’m telling you, he truly is the best dad. Seeing him being so loving to our daughter makes me already think about having another baby… But obviously both of us want to focus on raising Dylan so we decided to put the conversation on hold until Dylan is old enough to be a big sister.

Two weeks after Dylan came into the world, Christian decides it is time to introduce her to everyone at Milanello. So he brings both of us to the training grounds and shows her off to the staff and players. The club even got Dylan a mini home jersey kit as a way to welcome her to the Milan family.

One of his teammates greets us the second we get into the dressing room and ask about his current state. And to be honest, Christian’s heartfelt answer to it reminds me how lucky I am that I get to do this parenthood journey with him.

“Christian, hey! How are you feeling now, bro?

“Well I am a husband and a brand new father, so from now on I will always be feeling a lot happier than I have ever been. I am now on the start of a new life, thanks to my amazing, beautiful girls.”

—

taglist: @pulisicsgirl @neverinadream @swimmingismywholelife @chilwellspulisic @bracedes @lovelynikol16 @thoseboysinblue @lizzypotter14 @masonsrem @landoslover

[lokavisi]

Yesterday was the blót for Loki that my kindred hosted.* I had known for months that our gothar (spiritual leader of the kindred) wasn't going to be present and that I was defacto leading this one, as I would have volunteered to do if I wasn't for any reason. I had been looking forward to it for so long and had started to build up in my mind what I thought it would be like. For so many reasons (not bad ones, either), it was nothing like what I expected.

I thought I would be bursting with energy and confidence, and I was so tired and dysregulated and anxious. I thought we'd have a large group of attendees with loads of things to say about our beloved Trickster. It was a nice small group, half of whom (if not more tbh) were largely there to learn about Him and therefore didn't give longwinded toasts. The lavishly garish altar I imagined was still a beautiful mishmash of personal and chaotic gifts for the Boi, but not quite so over-the-top. But all the elements that I planned came together. Everyone in the kindred did their ritual piece. I typed out a channeled message from Loki and guised Him while I read it.** It went wonderfully, but the dysregulation made me feel like everything was awful and horrible and that I had somehow ruined everything.

So this morning, after some serious crying and a good night's sleep, I sat down and talked with Him about it. I asked Loki if I had in any way fucked anything up. I was assured I had not, and not only that, that I also provided a great service to Him. "How could I possibly be upset at you for doing the work that helps me reach other people? How do people know of me if not for people like you sharing my words and your own stories about me? How could I possibly not love or appreciate you for that?" 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I am so grateful that this Wild Animal of a Deity who has the reputation of a carpetbagger finds anything to love in the anxious, stubborn, earthy, Virgo/Capricorn-ass stick-in-the-mud ruler-follower that I am. (Though I mostly only care about rules in games and I'm sure I'm generally more fun than I make myself sound, He has huffed about all my "rules" enough for me to feel that way in comparison to Him. lol) I feel like so many things must pass me by and fly over my head when we work together, but They are so damn patient and sweet. Even when They're not. ❤️

*Yes, generally Loki's not a fan of such formalized praise. I get it. What He is a fan of is having a crowd to listen to Him (i.e. like the message I channeled and shared) and hearing genuine praise from people that actually know/care about Him (or at the very least have their minds/hearts open to Him).

**For those who don't know, guising is a practice of essentially putting on an entity's energy. I think of it as possession lite. If possession is someone taking the wheel while you're in the backseat, guising is them taking the backseat while you drive. Though Loki can be (and was) a very loud backseat driver. 😅

[sanctity-in-sexuality]

Fair warning, this may be a heavy topic... but do you have any advice or suggested readings for individuals/couples with a history of sexual trauma? Sadly I have experienced past sexual abuse and assault involving both extremely painful penetration and disordered degrading practices. I've been open about this with my boyfriend (who has been nothing but an amazing non-judgmental and comforting listener) and we've discussed that we have both wondered about whether we may need to approach things in a special way once we are married. By the grace of God I'm grateful that my everyday mental health is actually exceptionally good for the severity of my past trauma, but we wonder if entering in a sexual context would dig up old, highly negative feelings. I guess for me it also doesn't feel like something I'd be able to just sort of naturally figure out... I don't want like a graphic gratuitous description but I wish I had a more specific concept of how it "starts happening" because my experience was so abnormal and I have no idea how couples ease into things slowly and safely, and not having any clue is sort of scary. This is a topic that's usually too personal and dark to broadly ask about, but I'd appreciate any guidance beyond general "be loving and patient" advice that applies to everyone... Thanks for reading <3

First off, I am so sorry that you experienced such a nightmare. I would hesitate to even call it sex, and mentally separating the two might help you. It is so wonderful that you're in a supportive place to work through it.

I do not have experience helping others with past sexual trauma, so my advice may not be well-curated to your situation. However, I can give some more broad advice about easing into it (and this doubles for anyone who's anxious about marital sex).

After you've made vows, it's okay to take it slow and wait until you're comfortable to try sex. That might be days, it might be months. It's more common than you'd think.

Sex is incredibly vulnerable. Easing into it is merely taking small steps of vulnerability at a time. Cuddling in pajamas, undressing/dressing where your spouse can see, taking a shower together. Just getting used to seeing each other naked. Then move on to gentle but intimate touches, such as kisses on the neck or thighs. The important thing is to communicate honestly and constantly; tell your spouse immediately if something makes you uncomfortable, if it hurts, or if it feels nice. Ask your spouse to consistently check in with you, too.

In regards to penetration, it honestly depends a lot on how tight the woman is and how large the penis is, but it does tend to hurt a bit at first. This could be triggering for you. A lot of the discomfort is friction. Use lube, trust me (we just use coconut oil). Personally, even 2.5years into marriage, I'm still too tight usually, and we have a practice where my husband very slowly eases into me like 1/2in at a time - then he pauses, lets my body adjust to it, and waits for me to give a go-ahead to continue. There's absolutely no shame if you husband needs to do something similar to make you feel safe and comfortable. And there's no shame if you have to call it quits and try again.

As for how it "starts happening"... Imma be frank, a lot of the times married couples just ask each other. Once you're practiced and established the art, you'll get moments where "one thing leads to another" or whatever, but (a) when you're starting out and don't know the rules/language it's easier to just verbally confirm, and (b) even practiced, it's still sometimes easier to just ask. E.g., "Do you want to make time for sex tonight?", "I'm in the mood, want to take this farther?", or "Let's try penetration now".

Again, the main thing is to communicate. Over-communicate. Tell your spouse ahead of time what your expectations are for having sex the first time (for you, very slow and with an emphasis on gentleness). It may take time before your negative associations with sex as degrading are replaced with positive ones that make you feel cherished. It may not be enjoyable at first while you're learning to overcome that but it should feel safe and comfortable.

I've recommended this before, but I honestly think reading the Song of Songs can be very healing for those struggling with negative associations with sex. It is a really beautiful depiction of how sexual intimacy should be experienced between spouses.

I hope this was helpful, feel free to follow up with any specific questions. God bless!

[abbatoirablaze]

Locked Up, Chapter 1

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings:  taboo relationships, sexual situations, mentions of crimes/murder, noncon, teasing, manipulation, forced stimulation.

“Who the hell are you, kitten?” the inmate smirked, “Reyes get himself a sexy little piece of ass to watch while he’s judgin’ us?”

You frowned.

Ransom Drysdale

He was put away for the murder of his eccentric billionaire grandfather who was both a well-known published writer, and the head of a major publishing company.  It was an irony, considering both the company and the murdered man were all about murder mysteries.

“Doctor Reyes has retired, Mr. Drysdale,” you replied, not acknowledging his more vulgar statements, “I’m your new doctor.  This is to be our introductory meeting.”

He smirked a little bit wider, his teeth making him look like a wolf hunting his prey, “tell me, doc…am I popping your cherry?  Am I that lucky man that just gets to slide in and be the first one before those other animals leave you a gaping mess?”

“Hardly,” you scoffed, not giving him the satisfaction of being your first patient, “I’ve already met with a few other men on your cell block.  You’re oddly present in everyone’s lives…I’m sure you’ve seen them coming and going today.”

“Jensen and Levinson don’t count,” he scoffed, admitting to you that he had indeed noticed the two men coming and going, “they’ve committed petty crimes at best…and Levinson and Jensen are easy to diagnose.  Levinson has authority and impulse issues.  Jensen is just pathetic.  Can’t talk to anything with a vagina because he falls in love with it.  That one has more abandonment issues than I have money.”

“You don’t have any money, Mr. Drysdale,” you reminded him sweetly, “your assets have been frozen since your arraignment…mommy dearest pays for everything, remember?  And as far as my other patients are concerned, none of them matter right now.  Right now, you are my main priority.”

 “Oh, am I?” he teased; his voice sounding more grating the longer you were with him, “do me a favor then.  Be a good girl and get on your knees…it’s been a while since a pretty little mouth like yours was wrapped around my cock…or better yet, bend over.   Show me just how much of a priority I am by letting that tight, wound-up little cunt choke my cock.  You’re no socialite, but I bet if you let me, I’d have you moaning like those other little sluts in no time.”

Behind you, the officers were chuckling.  You shot them a glare but said nothing.

“Come on now, kitten…cat got your tongue?” Ransom teased as he kicked his feet up and onto your desk, “I’m just getting started…so you really need to learn to keep up.  That or learn your place.”

He spread his legs a little bit, as though he was inviting you to get on your knees in front of him and start sucking him off right then and there.

“And what is my place, Mr. Drysdale.”

“Women,” Ransom chuckled, looking back to his guards.  He shook his head before turning back to you, “I’ve already told you, kitten.  On your knees or bent over your desk…I’m not picky…not in here.  So, what do you say you just give in and accept your real role…be a good girl for me.”

“I think that our session is over, Mr. Drysdale,” you answered after a moment.  You caught the small pout that worked its way onto his lips as you grabbed his folder and slipped to the window, now outwardly putting distance between yourselves while also showing that you were no longer paying attention to what he said.  He sucked in a bit of air while you stretched out on your cushion by the window and began writing.  You were fully aware of how your skirt had slid up just enough for him to see the edge of your garter belt and you smirked to yourself, knowing it would torture him, “officers, I’m done with this inmate…you can bring in the next one after lunch.”

“Wait!” Ransom said quickly, slamming his feet back to the ground.  He looked at you wildly, “we’re not done here.  A session is half an hour, an hour if Reyes really got me going…we’ve only been here for ten minutes. I-If that.”

“Well Mr. Drysdale, you see…I’ve already lost interest in whatever it is that you have to say,” you shrugged, still not looking at him.  You felt his eyes trailing up and down your body, but you didn’t dare look at him, “I don’t need any more time to figure you o-“

“Look at me god damn it,” he growled, snapping his arms loud enough to make the chains cause a commotion.  Your eyes flicked to his, and you could see the rage simmering beneath the surface, “you haven’t figured me out, you little bitch.  You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough,” you replied with a simple shrug.  You placed your legs back on the ground, your heels clicking his attention back to your legs.  Your hands worked to smooth your skirt out as you stood, hiding your undergarments from him, “you’re narcissistic.  Textbook matter of fact.  You’re probably the least interesting man I’ve interviewed thus far.  But don’t worry Mr. Drysdale…we can discuss that at your appointment…next week.”

“You little bitch!” he spat as the guards started in on him, “you vicious little bitch.”

“Have a good week, Mr. Drysdale…” you offered as you left the folder at the window and started back towards your desk.

“Thank you…I can take it from here, officer.”

The guard gave you a wary look before giving the other guard who held onto the prisoner’s left arm a sideways glance. 

“You sure, doc?” the second guard asked gently.  He eyed up the behemoth of a man, “Inmate Everett is-“

“Here for evaluation after six consecutive trips to solitary for aggression related issues and write-ups,” you began, cutting the guard off.  You waved your hand dismissively in the air, “yes…I’ve read up on Mr. Everett.  I’m fully aware of what he is capable of.  Thank you.”

“Then you know we can’t just leave you alone in your office with him,” the second guard reminded you, “he’s a dangerous man, ma’am…and no offense, but you’re a little bitty thing.  Even Reyes had us with him when Everett was here.”

“Mr. Everett is no threat to me…”

The silent inmate finally looked down at you.

He covered his own shock over your brazen attitude well enough, but he had to admit, you were an itty-bitty thing.  You looked all business even with the skirt and blazer hugging your every curve.  He knew that you couldn’t have been anywhere close to him, but there was something about you that made him feel like you two were on even playing field, despite his size.

Then again, anyone next to the 6’8” giant seemed to be tiny. 

“Inmate Everett is a dangerous man, doc... I don’t think you’re hearing my partner here!” the first man jumped back in, stressing the fact that Curtis wasn’t some man off the street seeking some counseling over something silly, “we’re over here, trying to make sure that you don’t end up the next addition to his body count.”

“If you bothered learning about your inmates, you’d know that Mr. Everett’s crimes are all against men, not women,” you reminded the two male guards on either side of your new patient, “before that, Mr. Everett worked for the city as an engineer…he was-”

“Look, you wanna be left alone with the psycho, that’s on you…” the man finally growled, shoving his arm off the inmate.  Curtis sneered over his shoulder and the guard took a step back, “but I don’t wanna be hearing no pissin’ and moaning when that psycho attacks you and tears you to shreds…me and Connors here won’t be rushin’ in to save you!”

You looked to the younger guard, who still had his hand on your patient’s arm, “Connors?”

“Ma’am, I really don’t think this is a good idea!”

“Don’t worry, it’s dually noted,” you sighed impatiently, “if it makes you feel better you can link up his chains.”

The guard gave a nervous nod before taking a step forward. 

Curtis turned his attention to him, and Connors stopped, “Maybe…maybe we just watch you get him in, and I give you the keys…yeah?”

You held out your hand, and Connors pulled the lone key from his pocket.  You took it, and stepped away from the door, opening it wider, “after you, Mr. Everett…”

He looked at you again, taking you in. 

You were new. 

He knew that. 

He’d been in the prison for a year and a half already and spent more time in the stuffy office than he cared to admit.  But before he went into solitary, he remembered it belonging to an older man.

You were anything but the older man. 

A little minx wrapped in business attire. 

But even then, you were subtly teasing him. 

He could see the red lace peaking out from your blouse, the top buttons undone from the summer’s unbearable heatwave.  His eyes snapped back to yours when you cleared your throat. 

You sensed his hesitation, and you opened the door a little more, “we only have a limited amount of time, Mr. Everett…please come in.”

Curtis obliged your request and stepped through the entrance. 

Long gone was the layer of dust along the windowsill.  You had dressed it up, ignoring the bars on the outside of the ledge, and had added a padded cushion.  Beside it, he could already see notes from another case.  He scoffed to himself when he noticed Drysdale’s name scribbled at the top. 

You followed him over to the chair, which was no longer a metal one.  Instead, it had been replaced with a soft, velvety looking one.  A shiver ran down his spine when he sat, his hands immediately, instinctively going out. 

You were already waiting on him and had caught his large hands in your own small ones. 

“Please stay still so that I can unlock your belt and secure you to the bolt in the floor, Mr. Everett.”

He made no acknowledgement that he’d even heard you. 

You were quick to reach around his arms, tucking yourself beneath him while you reached for the lock.  His eyes closed, if only for a moment, and your scent wrapped around him, disarming him from whatever he thought the session was going to be. 

You smelled like his favorite season, autumn.  He got another waft of sweet apples and crisp leaves before you were bending away from him, taking the lead of his chain to connect it to the floor. 

He couldn’t help but notice how your skirt hugged the curves of your ass and your childbearing hips.  He shifted slightly and bit back the groan that wanted to break free from his throat as he caught yet another glimpse of your cleavage. 

His cock twitched as he imagined a little thing like you wrapped around him. 

You were positively sinful. 

Here he was, living in his own personal hell, and you were just dangling in front of him like a tasty little treat.  It was like he’d been stranded in the desert, and you were a mirage, teasing him with something he never realized he’d missed outside of prison.

“He’s secure…you may leave.”

The first guard was off, already cursing you, but Connors was a little more reluctant. 

That was until you closed the door. 

Curtis caught himself listening for the click of your heels.  His eyes closed once more, and your perfume came wafting back to him.  Curtis looked over his shoulder, towards the window.  You had picked up the notes, and folded the file shut, before dropping it on your desk.  His eyes followed you as you walked around it and sat down.  In between the two of you was his folder, wide open.  He could make out his picture on the document stapled to the inside, “studying up on the psychotic murderers of B block?”

“Excuse me?”

“Drysdale,” he said dryly, nodding to the file, “he’s on my block too.  Murdered his grandfather…but that was for a few bucks…we’re not the same…”

“I never said that you were.”

“Who’s next on your list to meet with?” Curtis asked abruptly, changing the subject, “Rogers?  Barnes?”

“Client patient confidentiality, Mr. Everett!”

He smirked, “be careful with em…Rogers is as disgusting as they come…seems like a sweet guy…guess he and Barnes were real ladies’ men on the outside…you know…before they became serial killers…before Rogers cut off Barnes’ arm when he realized the good ole sergeant was done and ready to confess his crimes.”

Your cool facade broke at his blatant discussion of the other inmates, “Wh-what?”

He smirked, “Captain Steve Rogers…the guy’s a real prick about his title.  Both of em are.  Last time I was stuck in solitary with him he was braggin’ about how Barnes is his bitch…said that he kept him in line by chopping off his left arm before their trials…Barnes was ready to play ball with the ADA…that Barber guy.  You want a good case; you’ll find it in one of them…Drysdale’s not interesting.  I’m not interesting.”

“I never said that you were or weren’t interesting, Mr. Everett,” you said after a moment.  You flipped your notebook to a new page and began writing, “not that I’m saying that you aren’t…but it’s interesting to me that you are jumping around like this.  Jealousy over me having other patients?  We just met, Mr. Everett.”

“I’m not jealous…you want to know someone who’s jealous-“ 

“Deflection,” you smirked, stopping your writing as you looked into his seafoam eyes, “Mr. Everett did Doctor Reyes leave without telling you he was retiring?”

“I never gave a damn about that guy,” he shrugged offhandedly, “never said more than a sentence to him.”

“And yet…you seem to have no communication problems with me…”

“Am I supposed to?”

“Well…you’re having some sort of communication issues,” you pointed out, “six times in solitary since you were here.  And your last stint was a month and a half for attacking a guard.”

He shrugged, “I didn’t like the way that he was looking at me…”

“And how was he looking at you, Mr. Everett?”

“Stop that bullshit stuff,” he groaned tiredly, “call me Curtis…not Mr. Everett.”  

“How was he looking at you, Curtis?”

“Like an animal,” he answered honestly, giving you a look, “sort of how you see me.”

“You like putting words in my mouth, don’t you, Curtis?”

“I’d like to put something in your mouth,” he admitted unashamed as he tried using his own methods to put a little distance between the two of you.  He realized just how much he’d been speaking, and he frowned.  There was something about you that made him all too willing to speak; something that broke his walls down instantaneously, “I-“

“Stop,” you said firmly, cutting him off.  Curtis looked at you, his brow furrowing, “when it’s the two of us, there will be no grandstanding…no using vulgar language.  This is just a place for open and honest communication.  I think that’s something you can respect, yes?”

“I was being honest,” Curtis smirked, leaning forward.  You narrowed your eyes at him, unsure of what game he was playing at.  You’d already dealt with Ransom Drysdale this afternoon, and he’d made a very similar statement.  You were about to open your mouth and Curtis leaned his elbows on your desk, “how is a sexy little minx like you a doctor, huh?  You realize that you’re that good at getting into people’s head and living there rent-free that you just said, ‘I’m going to do this from now on?’  And the way that mouth’s parted right now…what would you say if I told you about when you were doing my chains, the only thing that ran through my mind was how good you smelled…how it would be to have you not just bent over, but on your knees for me…falling apart on my-”

“Mr. Everett…”

“Curtis…sweetheart…”

“Maybe we should have our session another time, Curtis…when you realize that you need to have some manners when you talk to me.”

“I thought you said you wanted open and honest communication…”

“About you, Mr. Everett,” you answered, leaning back into your seat, “not me…or rather, what you would like to do to me.”

“Oh, honey…you on your knees…that would all be about me.  Don’t be confused, thinking that any of it would be for your benefit,” he growled seductively.  He held back his smile when he noticed how your hands had been folded in your lap, but you moved them only to cross your legs.  A smirk built up on his face when he saw your thighs clenching together.  He licked his lips, “you’re a dirty little minx, doc…aren’t you?  You thinking about riding my cock?  About becoming a drooling little ragdoll while I fucked the brain out of your pretty little head…is that why you really took a job in a men’s prison?  Want to live in our heads rent free until we all go crazy and fuck you?”

“This conversation is over, Mr. Everett.”

“Curtis, honey,” he said in a gravelly voice.  You couldn’t hold back the whimper as it escaped the back of your throat, “you know, normally, I’d tell you that you need to be a good girl and follow my requests…answer my questions then get on your knees and suck the soul out of me…but I think I like it better knowing that you’re a little brat…I’d love to just fuck that out of you…”

“G-goodbye Mr. Everett.”

You were quick to rush past him, already reaching for the door, but his hand reached out and he grabbed you, pulling you back to him with such force that you tumbled onto his lap.  Your eyes went wide, and he could feel your heart slamming against your chest.  Your heart was beating so quickly.

“Little hummingbird are you afraid of me?” he teased, “or just afraid that you like the way I speak to you?”

He bounced his knee and your hands reached down to balance yourself on his large thigh.  He could feel the heat between your legs.  Your skirt had ridden up so that he could see the full garter.  With another smirk, he reached down, snapping the material against your inner thigh.  He felt your core clenching around nothing and a moan pass from your lips. 

You scrambled, hurriedly, off his lap, falling to the floor. 

“Little hummingbird…we weren’t done!” he teased. 

Curtis chuckled to himself, watching as you scattered out of the room, and as the door closed behind him. 

“Too easy…”

Chapter 2

Tag List:  @lohnes16, @prokey16, @tenaciousperfectionunknown, @teambarnes72

[cheolhub]

UR INVITED 2 CHEOLHUB'S 1ST BDAY BASH!

ABOUT THE EVENT ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩

HELLOOOOO! ok first of all, no one comment on my header (unless ur complimenting it 😊), i dropped my art minor after 3 months bc i lack artistic skill and i’ve made it very clear here. NEXT, it’s not MY birthday but cheolhub will officially be a YEAR old on the 26th of august & i wanted to celebrate with a lil sleepover event :> i've had so many ups and downs while running this blog and have almost abandoned it more times than i can count, so i just want to say CHEERS to cheolhub (aka sar aka me) for making it this far <3 i am eternally grateful for every kind message, every piece of feedback, and everyone who has been supporting me and my silly lil blog. i love u guys sm and would’ve been long gone without you T^T <3 i hope you'll join the celebration!! -3- and if this flops, you’ll never hear from me again /j /j /j

i knowww it’s early, but i start uni classes again next week (my last semester, yay 😻) and i wanna have time to do an event T-T

SLEEPOVER DATES ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩

this event runs for about two weeks! from sunday, august 13th to sunday, august 27th. any asks sent after august 27th will be deleted!

please note that i’ll still be working on asks (if i have any left) even after the event is closed.

EVENTS ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩

！★﹕ᶻ﹐LET'S EAT﹒

☆︎ who's hungry? 👹🍽 request a short (less than 1k) drabble and you shall receive. i will be writing the first 5-10 requests due to my busy uni schedule :3 — choose a prompt (or two) from this prompt list + a member from seventeen, txt or the boyz! [closed] (ik the list isnt numbered, so just copy + paste ur preferred prompt(s) ><)

★︎ mtl for seventeen and txt! [open]

☆︎ hard hours for any group i write for! [refer to my guidelines to see who i write for] [open]

！★﹕ᶻ﹐ TIME 4 SELF CARE﹒[open]

★︎ let's do the things that make us happy! what makes us happier than being delusional and horny? you guessed it! being shipped with a hottie 😻 — this is the SHIP GAME + i’ll give you a silly little trope to kickstart ur epic romance

☆︎ OR opt for a personalized moodboards or playlists based off the vibes you give off! (mutuals can get both a moodboard and playlist if they’d like bc i would diy for all of u -3- just say u want both so i know<3333)

note: anonymous senders, please send me a few bits of info like your mbti, ult group and/or bias (does not have to be a group i stan!), star sign (big three if you know it), favorite color, etc. basically anything you want to share + one of the options above. mutuals can ask for any of the above, but providing info is totally optional!!

！★﹕ᶻ﹐WANNA PLAY A GAME?﹒[open]

☆︎ q&a!

ask me anything! favorite movie, how i got into writing, what i do when i’m not writing, why i only ult leaders etc. but please nothing too personal!

★︎ my opinions on literally ANYTHING!

☆︎ ask me for fic recs or give me fic recs!

★︎ fuck, marry, kiss (not kill bc i do not condone violence… not on here at least /lh)

☆︎ would you rather

note: you can send as many of these as you’d like :p i like answering them <3

RULES ☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩

everything for this event will be tagged under #[ birthday bash ! ] you can block the tag to avoid seeing the posts!

please make sure to get your ask in within the time frame (aug 13th-27th)

minors, please please please do not interact!

be respectful and patient! — the drabbles, mtls & hard hours may take longer for me to get through, but i’ll try my absolute hardest to get them done in a timely manner <3

when sending an ask, be sure to mention the event so i can differentiate between those and my regular asks :)

have fun! ⭐️⭐️

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: The Punishment of Kaname Tojo - 6

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring

Characters: Kaname, Tatsumi

Proofreading: Remi (JP) & honeyspades (ENG)

Translation: Peace

Tatsumi: Idols are those who bring smiles to others’ faces, after all.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Kaname: ......

(Okay. Now that I've finished reporting to my brother, I've got to get onto my next job.)

(Hm? Wasn't I supposed to have lessons today? I thought I was doing something else...)

(I'll check my schedule — my brother's perfected it down to the second, so I'll know for sure then.)

(I have to follow it precisely. As long as I do exactly as he says, then I'll be fine.)

(I have to heed his instructions at all costs. I have to. No matter how hard it gets, I have to—)

... Hm?

(Huh? Who's that walking past the window... Wait, is that—)

Location: Reimei Practice Room

Kaname: —Tatsumi-senpai!

Tatsumi: ......

Kaname: I thought that maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, but it really is you!

But... W-What are you doing here? Weren't you hospitalized?

Tatsumi: ... Ah, HiMERU-san. Good afternoon.

It's been some time since we last spoke, hasn't it? Have you lost some weight? I've heard that you've been flourishing lately, but it's best to rest every now and then.

Kaname: That's my line! You look terrible, senpai.

Why would you come back to school when you're still sick? Are you an idiot?

Tatsumi: Hahaha. I might just be an idiot, truthfully.

I was merely staying in a hospital, you see, not some prison where I'd be isolated from the world. I was still able to have a connection with those outside.

Though there were restrictions on when and where one could visit, patients are still able to use the internet and write letters to the outside world.

Kaname: What are you going on about?

Tatsumi: How wonderful life is, of course.

I was truly blown away by just how many people were calling for me to return. Not only the staff I had worked with, but all of my fans...

As well as my companions, with whom I worked beside and ate with.

So many people wished to speak with me again. How could I ever ignore their countless requests?

I decided then that I'd do as they asked no matter what it took, even if I should die.

Kaname: You really will die though. I'm serious. You were hospitalized for physical and mental reasons, Tatsumi-senpai — you don't look recovered at all, you know?

I can tell just looking at you. You know people really do die like this, don't you?

Their luck runs out, they push themselves too far — and then they die.

If you died, then all those who wished for your return would mourn you instead.

Please get your priorities straightened out, Tatsumi-senpai.

Tatsumi: I can feel your worry through your chiding, and I'm grateful for it.

In the perspective of others, particularly here at Reimei Academy, you and I are whom Special and Non-Special Students look to respectively...

As such, there seems to be rumors of us having something of a conflict of interests, as their representatives of a kind.

Kaname: To those who haven't a clue of what's going on, that's exactly what it looks like. In truth, I have acted as if I was taking what is rightfully yours.

Everyone thinks you must resent me for it, too. Anyone would.

Tatsumi: But I don't.

In fact, I'm grateful that you've continued my work while I was gone.

Kaname: Is that so? How like you, Tatsumi-senpai.

I know from the bottom of my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, that you don't resent me whatsoever.

Just as Judas Iscariot betrayed a saint for nothing more than chump change, so have I. But you won't resent me for it— you'll only grant me love and affirmation, won't you?

You'd even forgive those who'd crucify and kill you, wouldn't you!

Tatsumi: I am no saint, but thank you for thinking of me as such, however ridiculous the claim.

It'd be embarrassing to put me on the same level as those genuine saints who lived long ago.

I simply want to live up to everyone's expectations. I wish I could have shown you my hospital room, filled with fanmail from those who missed me.

Each one was filled with love, from every person I’ve met...

I want to give back the love I've received. I want them to feel as warm as I did reading each one.

It sounds rather odd, doesn't it?

But I do love everyone.

And, like anyone else, I want those I love to be happy as well.

Kaname: Then listen to me. If you were to collapse and die, no one would be happy! They'd just cry their eyes out and mourn you instead!

Honestly, Tatsumi-senpai, you've really screwed up your priorities.

You're so stupid I could laugh, you idiot.

Tatsumi: If I've made you laugh, then I've done my job well...

Tatsumi: Idols are those who bring smiles to others’ faces, after all.

Kaname: ......

Tatsumi: You know, HiMERU-san, I do want to be an idol.

I don't want to be the reverend of a shady religious following; I want to be someone who can be loved by others.

♪~♪~♪

[ ☆ ]

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

[katesmemes]

feel free to change any pronouns, etc. || may contain some nsfw! || PART ONE HERE.

“When you’re a parent, everyday is uncharted territory.”

“Sometimes you just gotta jump, and hope you’re not standing on a cliff.”

“God, you are such a cretin!”

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone…”

“It’s like there’s a rope attached to my chest and it keeps pulling me towards you…”

“It’s so good to see you…”

“I felt myself getting too close and I didn’t want to break his heart…”

“Do you love him?”

“What difference would it make if I did?”

“He won’t answer any of my texts or take any of my calls…”

“Can we please talk?”

“I’m going to let you say what you need to say, then I’d like you to leave.”

“I think you at least owe me an explanation.”

“Well, I’m sorry I can’t turn my feelings off as easily as you.”

“D-do you honestly think this is easy for me?”

“If this is over, I at least deserve to know why.”

“For once, I wish you could see me for who I am and not who you want me to be.”

“Sometimes I don’t think you know me at all.”

“I wasn’t raised by a loving, supportive family like you were.”

“I can love you and want you and still not want that life.”

“We can figure out a way to love each other on our own terms, no one else’s.”

“That is simply not possible and you know it.”

“Nothing will ever happen to you.”

“If you want me to go, you have to tell me to leave.”

“Please…don’t make me…”

“I would never leave this room if I didn’t think there was any hope of holding onto the happiness I have found with you.”

“Tell me to go, [Name], and I promise I will walk out that door and trouble you no longer.”

“There’s something I want you to see.”

“When I was younger, I would dream of taking somebody I love here and he’d love it as much as I did.”

“Please, be patient with me, and I promise I will try to be brave for us.”

“When they write the history of my life, I want it to include you, and my love for you.”

“History, huh? Bet we could make some.”

“I want you to have some part of me until you can have all of me again.”

“I love you…”

“I’ll be as patient as you need.”

“I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

“The truth is, every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms, and on their own timeline.”

“The forced conformity of the the closet cannot be answered with forced conformity in coming out of it.”

“Great job; I’m proud of you.”

“I just have to do everything around here.”

“You might be lousy at keeping secrets, [Name], but I am not.”

“[Name], I could kiss you!” “Touch me and die.”

“I feel so lost right now.”

“It feels like everyone hates me.”

“I’m always proud to be your boyfriend.”

“I think it’s time I stood up for myself.”

“The less you say, the better it’ll be for you.”

“I do not need your advice, [Name].”

“I don’t want your protection, I want your support.”

“This is more than just a mad infatuation.”

“Why is it out of the question?”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I thought it might bring you some luck.”

“Oh, my god, I’m so grateful you’re here.”

“What do we do now?”

“Do you think anyone noticed?”

[lia404]

Get to know me better game—2 in 1 because I'm 6 months late

Tagged by: @baratrongirl and @missmewachu

Thanks for being so patient while I was figuring out how Tumblr works again and why I had a blue dot beside "Activity" (as in, notifications about tag games I've been sent 6 months ago. Better late than never 🤦‍♀️) Thankfully the tag games you sent my way are very similar so it won't be hard to do 2 in 1!

Last song I listened to: Chipzel - Courtesy - YouTube

The 1st track of Super Hexagon, composed by Chipzel. Chipzel's music has been a pick-me-up since 201...4 I think? And since I fell back into Super Hexagon around a week ago, the music has also found its way back into my work playlist.

Currently reading: Trick question! There is what I am MEANT to read, and what I am ACTUALLY reading.

What I am MEANT to read is To Shape a Dragon's Breath, by Moniquill Blackgoose, which has absolutely all the elements I need to love a book. The problem is that my brain absolutely refuses moving further than Chapter 1, and I've been stuck for MONTHS. The good news is that when it happens, I usually struggle until the moment my brain finally snaps and I read the whole book in an afternoon. Wait for me, Moniquill Blackgoose, I'll soon be raving about your book.

What I am ACTUALLY reading is... well, it's more re-reading, but I'm going through Happy Hour by Inkflavored and Keep the Light Shining by Clydeside, two Yu-Gi-Oh AUs that have been incredibly healing for me in the past months, for very different reasons. I wanted to re-experience them to see if I could turn them into fanbinding projects (if the authors give me the authorisation of course, but I haven't reached this level of confidence yet, let's give it time.)

Currently watching: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS.

Do you believe me if I tell you that it was an accident? It kinda was though! I wasn't the one who played the first episodes I just kept going afterwards. That said, I have fully adopted Yusaku. I kind of wish he could meet Philip from Kamen Rider W. Things would go so well.

Currently writing: this one is plain cruel, because after a drought spell of almost 2 years, I finally feel like getting back into writing (thank you, current obsession.)

I have 3 WIPs, one PWP because I like a challenge, one backstory of a character that has basically become my OC, and one AU that @wisyhana created and that I'm using as a wonderful sandbox. I am between 2k and 5k into each, nothing is complete, I'm losing my mind. But at least I'm writing again, right?

Spicy/sweet/savoury: Okay yes no it's cruel again and you will not make me pick just one.

If you've followed me these past years you know that I have completely lost my sense of taste between 2020 and 2023. I was lucky enough, and honestly even the specialised doctor said it was a miracle, to have most of it come back to me abruptly in March 2023, after 3 years unable to enjoy a bit of chocolate or a nice gratin. Some tastes are lost forever, but so few compared to what came back that I just can only be very very grateful and very confident in saying SPICY SWEET SAVOURY I'LL TAKE THEM ALL. I LOVE TASTES. ALL OF THEM.

Relationship status: I have been told polyamory looks good on me.

And I am lucky to have the most patient and tolerant lovers ever. EVER. I love them so much and I'm so bad at showing it because I am a mess. There isn't a day where my heart doesn't overflow with gratitude that they are in my life and agree to putting up with my bullshit.

Current obsession: Listen, Mew put it SO ELOQUENTLY I can help but quote:

mentally ill traumatised japanese teenagers and their ancient egyptian guys who hang out in their jewellery all playing card games.

So, yeah, current obsession is Yu-Gi-Oh!, and with it Duel Links, and everything children-card-game-adjacent. I am currently trying to figure out why everyone in this kid's show is so hot and delightfully traumatised. Characters after my own heart, all ready to be projected on and used for cathartic writing purposes. Other obsession is MEW'S FAULT TOO ACTUALLY since it's my newly founded Clan in Flight Rising. Ask me about my dragon Atem.

Favourite colour: I like my colour like my wine—burgundy. (I actually like all sort of shades of purple, violet and red, but I don't know how to list them.)

Tagging: Wow uh who do I know around here who is still active?

@twilightknight17 for sure (although I'm sure you already did it), @wingsonghalo maybe? Uuuh, I think @the-wanderer-of-thoughts and @istadris? You know, considering how inactive I am here, I think it's already a lot, but if you're not in the list and want to do it too, be my guest!

[creamypudding]

Coming here to have a vent.

I enjoy writing stories. I have a ball in the writing process even when it gets hard. The enjoyment is the crucial factor which lets me finish my stories. And I always try to complete at least the first draft of a story before I consider posting it (there are two exceptions to this rule, and those exceptions help to cement my golden rule for me to always complete a first draft because the unfinished pieces haunt me.)

The posting phase is the 'reward' for my suffering, where I get to engage with readers and revel in their enjoyment and pain as I share my story with them.

Which brings me to my vent... It's been really disheartening lately posting my chapters as the community is just not there anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I have one person who keeps talking to me and I love them for it. I am grateful. I am also spoiled and used to more of a community feel - something that was even there at the start of posting my current story.

But it's all gone now. There is nothing more depressing to me than waking up after posting a new chapter to get no comments waiting for me in my inbox. (I know, how spoiled am I, geez)

But that is my reality. That's what I'm accustomed to. A handful of comments and a couple more throughout the week until the next chapter goes up. And since this is not happening anymore, it's natural for the mind to seek answers.

Is my story not good anymore? Did it take a turn that my readers don't care to follow? It could be true. It's not for everyone. So I am grateful for even just one comment..one sense of community. One single person to share my pains and loves with.

But it's still disheartening. I wrote the story for me. I share it for you.

Why do I even bother sharing it if it doesn't bring joy to anyone else?

I post weekly so I can absorb the comments and think/reflect. Comments and community give me energy to keep editing to make the story better. And when there is no community there is absolutely no desire to make the story better.

And this is how and why stories die. My readers are just fortunate that I have (mostly) the whole story completed before going on the posting adventure. I'm stubborn enough and writing gives me enough joy that I still see my stories through, but if I was relying on community feedback while writing it would greatly impact the quality of my completed work.

So where does this leave me now?

I'd rather just post the whole thing in one go and be done with it. Move onto a new project that makes me happy instead of wasting my time on a dead-in-the-water project.

BUT! I do think the next half of the story has enough excitement to maybe get people back into wanting to engage with the story. So I'll be patient and wait to see what reactions I get. But if nothing changes in 3 weeks... I might move onto posting twice a week to get this story out of the way. I've had my fun with it while I was writing it. I'm getting no joy sharing it, so what's the point in dragging it out?

Maybe I'll move onto my other story that I have waiting in the wings, ready for posting. Maybe that will garner more attention and feed me that dopamine I crave at the completion of a story.

And once I finish posting that story, I can finally move onto a new project, or better yet, complete my one huge project which still haunts me.

TL;DR

Comment on authors stories to give them as much joy as you gain by reading their works.

[verbal--diarrhea]

White Scars

A/N- 😃 i am back guys! Sorry it quite literally took 2 years for me to update this account but why is tumblr so difficult to navigate 😭 anywho, enjoy this next chapter and please be patient with me as I figure this out 🙇‍♀️ 

Chapter 2:

It’s been a week now. A week avoiding Bela Dimitrescu at all costs. You knew the routes she took around the castle, you knew when she left her room and when she went to eat. It’s almost pathetic how you basically memorized her routine when you were together, trying to “bump into her” whenever you were on duty. I mean, how often can someone encounter the exact same person in a hallway? The answer should be no less than one but you and Bela managed to raise it to nine on a good day. You became very very good at sneaking around, especially at avoiding fellow maids and the other two Dimitrescu sisters. Lady Dimitrescu was no problem too, she rarely entered the west wing of the castle and if she ever did, everyone knew as you could hear her loud footsteps from a distance. Safe to say you were pretty proficient in the art of evasion except there was one problem, Bela, the person you were trying to evade, also stayed in the west wing. It wasn’t healthy that you weren’t confronting her about what had occurred a few nights prior but you were still afraid and still hurt so the most logical solution is to never see her. Yes, completely logical.

The cut was healing well, the skin around it was a faint red, but the wound itself became a scab. Give it another week and it may be all healed. Hopefully, it won’t leave a scar...you don’t need a reminder of Bela on your face. You were done crying over it. No one really asked you about your injury, it was common for maids to bear bruises or cuts. Those who stayed in Bela’s side of the castle were lucky compared to those who stayed on Cassandra’s and Daniela’s side, those maids were lucky if they survived with all their limbs intact. 

Right now, you really were wishing you were in Cassandra’s or Daniela’s wing, the dread of meeting Bela was overwhelming at times. Yet in the quiet of the night, you would dream of her; her perfume engulfing your tiny room, her chilly embrace, the soft breaths as she slipped into slumber beside you, and having to drag her off in the morning to rush her back to her bedroom. Sleep didn’t come without nightmares though, images of Bela’s face contorted with anger, that scythe plunging down, you were treading a fine line between fear and love. Love- you scoffed, chances are Bela didn’t even love you, after all you were just some low-class peasant. What Bela probably felt would be the equivalent of a teenage relationship, give it a year before one got bored of the other and it’s over, but in your case, off to the basement to be drained of blood. 

The first few days were nerve-wracking, you didn’t know if Bela would search or confront you, though there was nothing to be confronted about as you believed she knew damn well why you were avoiding her. You had asked (more like begged) the head house maid, Simone, to switch you to the night shift, at least for a few weeks and she agreed. By the third day, you were sweeping the corridors in the late night trying to be as quiet as possible. Sleep hasn’t been good anyways, you weren’t used to sleeping alone again, so cleaning was the best way to clear the mind. 

Sweeping here and there, you were grateful for the dim lighting. Moonlight peeked in through the windows contrasting with the candle’s red hues. Though the floor was visible, you couldn’t distinguish any shapes that were swept up, part of you knew every once in a while a bone would be found in a dust pile, but you were here long enough to be unfazed by such things. Glancing up you noticed the candle melted about half its height, indicating it was around 3 AM. They would be replaced in the morning and lit later in the evening; with the hundreds of candles around the castle, it was a wonder how the Dimitrescu’s obtained that many in the first place. 

Ahead of you laid Bela’s bedroom door, a cursive B carved into the oak wood door. She should be asleep by now, bundled up and dreaming away. Yet instead of soft snoring you hear muffled sniffles through the door, curiosity got the better of you and you edged closer. It dawned on you- she was crying. Your heart clenched at the thought, Bela never cries, and in that moment you wished you could hold her to your chest. No, she hurt you Y/N, just walk away. Forcing your legs to move, you shuffled away from the door, a low ache in your heart at the thought of Bela sad. It wasn’t your place anymore to comfort her.

-

Bela was level-headed and mature, at least that’s what she told herself as she quickly dispersed into flies and zipped to her bedroom, praying to not bump into you. She too has been avoiding you the last week, and she was pretty sure you were too. At first she had a brilliant plan; she would walk right up to your door, knock on it, beg for your forgiveness and hopefully have hot makeup sex after. That failed after she realized she had no courage to face you. Perhaps it was because she did not want to see your heartbroken face, or did not wish too see the painful mark on your face, Bela herself struggled to understand why she was so afraid; she was Lady Bela, goddammit! Staying confined in her room for most of the day seemed to be the best option, it was hard enough to pretend to be perfectly fine in front of her family, that face crumbled whenever she was alone. Sleep wasn’t an escape either as it was plagued with you leaving her crying into her pillow. 

At meals, Bela would eat as quickly as possible, and slip away. Lady Dimitrescu noticed naturally but pushed it aside as she was busy with her experiments for Mother Miranda. Nothing left Cassandra’s and Daniela’s gaze though-- they had been studying their eldest sister for the past week, discussing ways to ask her exactly what happened. 

“Okay, the best way is to corner her and force her to tell us,” Daniela looked to Cassandra’s face for approval as she was the youngest in the family.

They were huddled in one of the many guests rooms of the castle, away from the prying ears of their mother and eldest sister. Bela was starting to annoy them with her grumpy mood, never going out to hunt anymore and always cooped up in her room. They had hoped whatever she was dwelling upon would fade in a day or two, but Bela remained somber. 

Cassandra swatted the back of Daniela’s head, “are you fucking stupid? That’s the worst way to ask her what’s wrong.”

“Well, she won’t tell us if we don’t force her.”

Frowning, Cassandra stroked her chin, “hmm, you make a good point.”

“And we definitely can’t trick her to tell us-” Daniela leaned back against the armchair, watching Cassandra stand from hers and pace, “Bela’s too smart for that.”

“I know! Hm...okay I have an idea.”

“Go on-”

“We have to be gentle, we approach her in her room later tonight,” Cassandra explained, “we will first try to ask her what’s wrong...”

“And if that fails we force her?” 

“Exactly but for we do this all gently-”

“I know, I know,” Daniela rolled her eyes at her sister, “I’ll be gentle.”

“Don’t say anything unnecessary or stupid okay?” An accusatory glance was shot at the younger sister.

Daniela huffed, “I won’t.”

“Oh and also-” Cassandra opened the door of the room, leaving, “don’t say anything to mother.”

“Wouldn’t even dream of it.”

[horce-divorce]

eternally grateful for anyone who will do any form of email or textual communication with my audhd ass... i am finally getting in touch w a disability lawyer to set up a consult. it is NERVE. WRACKING. and i keep telling myself oooh i should just call them, i should just call them... i eventually caved and emailed them and that was so much easier wtf. they said hey sure we'll reach out to you. and STILL i was like what if i just called them... for what. she just said she'd call me. that is so much easier.

my roommate/landlady already works w this office and she said they are AWESOME about being patient w her when she doesnt call back or gets overwhelmed, and that they are always reassuring her that's why they're there.

anyway im just setting up a consult so idfk... if i have a case worth pursuing... but i guess we will find out!!!! hopefully they at least let me down easy if it is not.

im thinking about a lot of stuff today but one thought i keep coming back around it no matter what is how i wouldnt even BE disabled if we had proper medical care in this stupid godforsaken useless country.

like sure you hear the abstract about it, having free healthcare/socialized medicine would save X billions of dollars! or whatever. or the opposite, how we are spending however many trillions on ER visits and other stuff that ends up being more costly than preventative medicine/just housing people and so forth.

but what that actually means is sorry bastards like me are out here suffering in excruciating pain, undiagnosed or written off for decades, unable to work the whole time and having to beg just to eat, while everyone calls us lazy. it took me 10 years to get a diagnosis.

and once I did, they still effectively told me to kick rocks. they insisted im not a candidate for the only treatment, and refused me any other symptom management, pain relief, physical therapy, referrals, anything. they gave me nothing. they told me to go smoke weed about it. they ACTUALLY told me that. (its legal here but still.)

even with the 10 years to diagnosis, if they had just referred me for surgery when I was diagnosed, during that sliver of a window of time when I was still house and would be for one more year, I COULD HAVE HAD THE SURGERY. now I cant, even if I could find a surgeon who'd have me, because I have nowhere to recover, on account of not being able to work and being homeless, due to the pain I need surgery for. see what a cute catch-22 that is

and its my friends and mutuals and strangers online who are footing that bill. instead of everyone just getting what they need i have to ask YOU GUYS to subsidize my SURVIVAL. instead of just like, getting the treatment I needed and going back to work eventually or whatever. no i get to languish out here in agony and then die begging for scraps because a handful of guys insist on treating PEOPLE and our CARE like numbers in a GAME, and when they lose it's US that foot the bill and pay with our actual lives, and somehow millions of us are just allowing them to do this like that's normal and okay.

idk theres a lot tied into applying for disability. my case had better be worth someone's time. i fear that it isnt, but it OUGHT to be. i just know that we live in a world so full of things that ought to or ought not be and the cruelty is the point, the purpose of the system is what it does. im used to being let down by all the 'resources' that are supposed to be saving me and its exhausting to get my hopes up. but heres hoping anyway, i guess.

[wandawiccan60]

You Deserve More

A Tommy Conlon X Dahlia(OC) One-Shot

A/N: Hey everyone and yes I am back with a quick Tommy Conlon One-Shot for your guys entertainment. I really went all on with the flow with this short story. I wanted to say that that is based on a true story of my sadly recent break up… The text messages you will read is based on the actual messages my now ex-bf and I exchanged and also did talk in person. But it is something I wanted to share with you all and something that I have been dealing with for a while. However I hope you find this shot very cute and i hope you all stay safe and enjoying your day. Thank you everyone for coming by and it’s good to be back!!! 😆👌🏻👍🏻❤️

TOMMY CONLON MASTERLIST

Honestly we need to talk when can you meet up with me?

These were the exact words that Dahlia had to read through that one single message. Only for it to be something that’ll only bring nothing but disappointment and hurt.

Yea sure maybe tomorrow after I’m off from work of if it’s possible maybe tonight babe if your not tired that is 💖✨💗

She remembered those couple of emojis that she sometimes would send every once in a while to Blake. Hoping that he knew that she was very much in love with him… or did he not see that???

That same night m, both Dahlia and Blake did meet up only it wasn’t just a talk about going on another date or trip of whatnot. It was more of a confession of wether or not Blake wanted to continue on with this relationship with her.

“Look I… I have been feeling like I need a break from both of us. Just need some space, I got work to do, and I just need to be my individual self again. And if you like we can do a break or we can just forget about everything. What do you want to do?”

Dahlia didn’t want to believe what she just heard from him. 

What is he talking about us wanting to take a break???

Even after everything they had done together it lead to this. It only made her feel like she was being lied to all this time about him and the relationship. So Dahlia did what any other smart girl would do, just walk away. Even if it did feel like a knife was stabbed straight into her heart.

And now it has been over a couple of months later, Dahlia became another person day in day out. She became interested in pursuing a career in being a nurse and a certified therapist. She never would have thought of being able to achieve Teo goals in such a fast pace. 

Even after the biggest heartbreak of her life, she knew that there was so much more out there to see. Though there were times when she would be alone, she wished there would be someone there to be encouraging, happy, and feeling grateful to have a girl like Dahlia. Only she tried her best to ignore such wishful thoughts but those dreams would become tears some nights.

Even though she never gave up on hope and in true love for finding someone to share her thoughts, feelings, success and most of all being important to him.

It’s nothing but foolish and untrue thoughts… there is no one out there for me… ever

“Dahlia, you know that patient in room 30 that came in last night?” Said Dahlia’s co-worker Nike, putting down other patient files on top of the front desk receptionist. 

“Yes, I know who you’re talking about. Why, does he need to be checked up again, or take his next meal of the day?”

“Yes to his next meal and no to another thing,” said Nike while he gave her a smirk and a quick wink.

“Oh stop it Nike, are you being serious right now. I’m being professional here right now and what you think this guy seems cute? I don’t think so, he just looks like any other guy that you see in the streets. Besides I told you many times, I am not looking for nobody. I’ve been perfectly busy with finishing getting my Masters in therapy. Why would the hell I be wanting more than what I have right now?”

But all of what Dahlia said wasn’t really all entirely true, knowing deep down she did found the patient  very attractive. He did had a bad injury on the side of his head, with some blood coming out from the wound and going in and out of consciousness. He seemed lost to where he was at that moment, while Dahlia attended to his wound with as much care as possible. While trying to clean away the blood as much as she could, the man suddenly grabbed her wrist with such strength that it made her yelp in fright.

“That fucking hurts, get away from me,” he said with that Philly accent, looking straight at Dahlia’s frighten and yet wonderful hazel-honey eyes.

“Hold him down,” said one of the male doctors, while two other male nurses tried to calm him down.

Out of his grasp, Dahlia didn’t notice she wasn’t breathing for air. She was to busy focused on him while the doctors finally gave him a dose to make him relax. Once he fell into a deep sleep, Dahlia slowly walked up next to the now relaxed and peaceful looking man. He looked no more than in his 30’s, blue eyes, very muscular from what she could see through his gray long sleeve shirt, short smooth brown hair, and his face. That face looked like a little boys, soft, innocent, and yet very handsome. 

“Sure, sure, dear. I saw how you looked at him last night after Mark gave him a dose to make him fall asleep. You got lucky that he didn’t give you a punch in the face or something much worst. Anyways but tell me, do you think he’s cute?”

Dahlia only gave a look of bothersome to his friend, while she gave a small chuckle. 

“Fine. Yes he seemed very cute, are you happy now?” Dahlia said hoping that it’ll satisfy his friends silliness.

”That answer sounded so fake, but whatever. Anyways, miss Dahlia, the patient needs to take his meal and must drink his medication afterwards. Would you be so kind in taking it for me please?” Said Nike he placed a tray of food with the medication on the side.

*******

Dahlia walked her way down the hall on the second floor of the hospital, holding the tray of food with both of her hands. Once she reached room 30, she felt nervous to see him again. Not only of what happened last night but she felt this feeling that she couldn’t really explain. But she ignored it and she quietly knocked the door hoping it wont wake him up. But after three knocks and no answer she let herself in seeing that the patient was taking a nap. Closing the door behind her quietly, she slowly made her way towards him. She sat the tray on the right side of the nightstand, setting the fork and knife on each side. Dahlia felt goosebumps with no explanation while hearing the beeping of the heart monitor. Until suddenly she heard a soft grunt coming from he left side.

“Hmm… hmm.”

“Sir? Hey, it’s ok, try not to move too much. You had a bad wound on the side of your head but we fixed you up in no time. On a scale of one to ten how are you feeling from pain?” Said Dahlia while she raised the top part of the bed while he continued to grunt a-little less.

“Pain? Hehe… I have been through more worst than this lady. This, it’s like if I just twisted an ankle or soemthin’. So I don’t care much if I feel like shit or not,” he said trying to sound tough and just trying to shrug it off. 

Dahlia only smiled seeing that he tried to be funny, though his wound would leave him a good scar in his head. 

“Well you should be thankful that it didn’t open much more than it looked last night. But right now you must eat something first so you can take your next pills. Here now,” Said Dahlia picking up a few piece of food with the fork.

“Hey I can feed myself I ain’t some 3 year old damn kid that needs someone else to feed me. That’s just weird and childish,” he said leaving a bit away from the fork filled with food.

“Oh please don’t sound so difficult, look I’m trying to help you and doing my best here to get your strength back. Or otherwise you’ll be here for quite some time if you want to take things more slower. It’s your choice sweetie. Either take it slow or take it quick?” 

He only rolled his eyes in annoyance looking the other way while Dahlia patiently waited for a response. 

He’s like a child, only in the body of a grown man… I think that’s cute…

After awhile he gave in, one bit of food after another he cleaned his tray off. 

“See that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Dahlia said in a cheeky voice, while he didn’t say a word. “Alright you have to take your painkiller now, here.”

As she gave both the pill and the cup of water to him, he took it like nothing. It surprised Dahlia that he easily took them without sounding foolish. He swallowed the pill in one go as well as the cup of water, giving the now empty plastic cup back to her. 

“Right then, you must rest now I’ll see you later to give your last meal for today. The doctor will come and see you,” Dahlia said as she placed the cup on top of the empty tray.

Before she made her way towards the door, he heard him call out to her to wait.

“Hey, I… I want to say I’m sorry for the way I acted last night’. And for graspin’ to hard on your wrist, I just… last night I got into this stupid fight. Lettin’ some steam off like it would be such a helpful thing but it just went south.”

Dahlia was left confused as to why he started to say these things to her. Even though she was taking a masters degree as a therapist this seemed like a nice opportunity to interact with. Dahlia then sat on the chair at the end of the bed hoping to see where this might go. Hoping to try out her first intercession with a lot of high expectations in trying out her skills. 

“May I ask why did you decided to fight with someone random? Did you think it would ease whatever it was building inside of you? Or maybe you want to forget about something going on with your family or somebody else in particular?” Dahlia asked on hopefully she was doing this right and not sounding too pressuring.

“Hehe, I always have something building inside of me. Just already got use to havin’ it around all the time. I have family, a brother and I have my dad too but I sometimes try to be with them but I always shut them out. I sometimes like to be left alone and well… there was this someone I use to be with but… she wasn’t it.” He said while biting his lips together his eyes looking down.

Dahlia saw the way his body languages changed, seeing she hit a nerve on him. 

“And is that person still in contact with you or you both went separate ways?” She then asked knowing where this talk might be going too.

“I did for a while but she didn’t want nothing else to do with me because well let’s just say she was the reason for why we aren’t together anymore. I loved her so much, gave her my time, energy, gave the whole world to her. Though when she said she wanted to have space and be alone, I didn’t know understand at that moment. Until now looking back at it, she didn’t have that same love back for me. And I asked myself, was that all a lie?” He then said letting out a heavy sigh while he fiddled his fingers. 

“I see. You’re going through a lot with this relationship you thought was real. Believe me I was once there, I also thought afterwards if I was taken advantage of. And even thought the whole relationship we had was all a lie,” dahlia said surprised to hear herself be this quickly open to someone she just seen last night. 

“I guess we both in the same page. What a small world that we both ended up having bad relationships,” he then said which it made them both smile and chuckle a bit.

“You’re right, you know you feel like you found the right one but they end up being a disappointment? Yes that’s what happens when you be too nice and humble to someone,” said Dahlia thinking about her time with Blake, which she new she did give everything to him.

The patient looked at her way, seeing a sad expression on her face knowing that he too did hit a nerve. He didn’t expect to stumble upon someone else who would feel the same place as him. And being so open to a nurse out of everyone in this world. He then still looked her way and without realizing he had his hand gently placed on top of her right arm.

“Hey let me tell you something. Whatever that asshole did to you or said. You deserve someone better, even if you have to wait for years or whatever the time gives you. It’ll pay off in the end, because you’re a pretty girl, you seem smart, and most of all should be treated like a queen. So you’ll be ok we all will.” He said giving a small smile at her, which Dahlia gave a smile back.

“You know I never got your name, what’s your name? I’m Dahlia and you’re sweet and thank you,” she said feeling her cheeks turn warm from the compliment he gave her.

“Tommy. Tommy Conlon and that’s a cool name I’ve never heard of it before. But hey I’m just honest with others you have been the most pretty nurse so far. I hope that doesn’t sound weird or something,” he said feeling a bit of a dumbass for saying that.

“Hehe no you’re fine it was just unexpected to say the least. I have to get back to work but get some more rest and I’ll be back later tonight. It was a good talk but see you then,” Dahlia said getting up on her feet as she grabbed the gray one more time.

“Yes it was nice talking to you, and believe me I’ve had too much rest already. But yes see you soon Dahlia,” said Tommy giving her one last smile to her which she just nodded her head.

Once outside of the room, she gently rested her back against the wooden door. Mind boggled as to what just happened right now. Not believing that someone like Tommy would open to her that fast. But at the same time she felt comfortable in sharing her story too. 

What the hell was all that about??? Have you lost yourself Dahlia…

However deep down, she did feel something warm when they both talked. Like she felt some sort of trust with Tommy, it’s like they were meant to stumble with each other. Thought was it for a good reason or a bad one? Only time would tell and Dahlia hoped that he might be someone that she could call a friend and to be able to talk without feeling judged. 

It’s only for me to decide if I want him to come in… we’ll just have to wait and see…

*******

Dahlia woke up early to get herself ready for graduation. It has been over 2 fast years since she started. She wished it didn’t end very suddenly but there was something more special that happened in between those years. 

“Baby, hmmm… come back to bed just for a few more minutes?,” groaned Tommy as he laid on his left side of the bed seeing a peak of his big pecks of his chest.

“Awww my baby boy, didn’t you already had enough of making out from me last night?” She cheekily said until Tommy wrapped his arms around her catching her off guard.

Landing on the bed again, they both laugh and hugged each other close together, exchanging another long, sweet kiss. The longer the kiss became, the more Tommy wanted to go another round again. Dahlia felt his right hand going under her white long blouse. Making her lowly moan between her mouth and Tommy’s. She went on top of him, not letting go of those plump, thick lips of his that Dahlia had grown to taste and love every second. 

“My babygirl is finally graduating today. You did my Dahlia, you got to where you want to be,” Tommy said gently cupping her face with both of his hands, making her smile in glee.

“We both did, not only is about me here love. You also should be proud of yourself to have your own gym along side with your brother. And not only that but I have confession to make and I’ve been nervous to tell you,” Dahlia said while she gently bit her bottom lip hoping that whatever Tommy says about this big news she only hoped that best for both and a change in their lives.

“What is it you’ve been wantin’ to tell me babe? You already know you can tell me anything, we already talked about this. Just relax and tell me when you’re ready, ok?” Tommy said reassuringly, as they both clasps their hands to together, which Dahlia felt at ease.

“I… well we… we are expecting a little us and I don’t know if you are ok with taking this step further. It sounds crazy believe me but that is why I was scared to te-.”

“Are you kiddin’ me Dahlia?” Tommy cut her off but in a joyous way, making himself sit up a bit more comfortable not believing in such wonderful news he was hearing, “Of course I am good with this, why did you keep this within yourself until now? How long has it been since you knew you were having a baby?”

“Remember when went to that party with your brother Brandon and Tess? Well when I told you that I was going to walked out for some bit of air? I lied to you about it and I instead went to the restroom, and I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I didn’t want to believe it was real but it was. That’s why when you told me when I came back if I was fine, I knew it was wrong for me to keep it this long. But now you know, and I really was nervous if you were going to yell at me or something.”

“No, no, baby. This is the best thing that I am really looking forward too, especially now that you and the baby our my priority to take care of you both. No matter what, I want to be here for you and showing our baby girl or boy that his or her dad will promise to always take care of them. I love you so much my Dahlia,” Tommy said looking down at her flat stomach that will sometime later begin to grow a lovely bump.

“You will be there for our baby boy or our little girl. I know deep down that you will be the best dad that the baby will be lucky to have. We got this and we will work hard to give our child the best that we can. And I love you more my Tommy Conlon,” she said as she gave him another tender kiss knowing a bright future is awaiting for them. 

Something that was well worth the wait and deserving.