#i am eating up all that guilt. i am using it as syrup on my pancakes.

[minoudrien]

it’s nothing it’s nothing… I JUST THINK IT’S FUNNY HOW while the peacock miraculous was broken gabriel didn’t touch it and despite expressing guilt about nathalie falling ill he still let HER be the one to use it whenever the peacock’s power was ‘needed’ for gabe’s plan that day. he never once offered to wear it in her place.

but the second the miraculous gets fixed? oh no nathalie is no longer necessary, turns out gabriel CAN wear the peacock miraculous now and he’s going to use it for the rest of the season in conjunction with the butterfly miraculous to make himself stronger.

and this is NOT salt, i actually love that this specific writing choice just further proves something about gabriel’s character; he may feel guilty about it afterward, but he will not hesitate to put his loved ones in harm’s way for his own personal gain.

[vanfleeter]

Conjure: Chapter 3

Characters: Jake Kiszka, Josh Kiszka, Sam Kiszka, Maggie Warnings: 18+ || Angst. Language. Anger. Yelling. Crying. Tears. Drinking. Guilt. Grief. Fluff. Friendly banter. Kissing. Mention of pregnancy. Mentions of death. Smut. Sex. Penetrative sex. Paranormal. Ghosts. A/N: I'm slacking on getting these chapters posted.

The morning came quicker than Jake would have liked it to. His body felt drained and he had the worst headache. Rolling over in the bed, he slides on his slippers and heads downstairs to the kitchen, only to find Maggie making breakfast. There is a stack of waffles on the island counter and she’s standing at the stove cooking eggs and bacon.

He starts to reach for a waffle when Maggie suddenly speaks. “Don’t even think about it,” She says.

“How–”

“You’re not as quiet as you might think.” She turns away from the stove and slides two sunny side up eggs onto two empty plates before discarding the pan in the sink.

“I’m surprised you stayed,” Jake says as he sits down on one of the bar stools. “And making breakfast.”

“Considering you had edibles last night, I figured you’d be hungry.” She places bacon on the plates and slides one of them over to Jake. “And don’t worry, I’ll do the dishes before I leave.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Jake says.

Maggie stops with a waffle in her hand. “Umm, last I checked, I don’t live here.”

“No, but it’s not like you have to rush out of here.” Jake grabs a couple waffles from the stack and sets them on his plate.

“I’m not rushing,” Maggie sits down across from him and grabs the syrup bottle. “I’m going to eat breakfast, take a shower–if you don’t mind, and then I’m going to go home and get changed to go to work.”

“Where do you work?” He asks.

“It’s like you didn’t listen on that date,” Maggie teases. “I’m a photographer, and I have a client to shoot today.”

“Isn’t murder illegal?”

She cocks her head with a look on her face and he smirks. “Ha ha, very funny.”

He chuckles and cuts into his waffles. “Well, thank you for making breakfast. These are good waffles.”

“Better than a bag of funyuns?”

He smiles and nods his head. “Much better.”

“Good.. By the way, I threw out all of your chips.”

“I’m sorry.. You did what?”

‘Looks like someone’s putting their foot down.’ Josh snickers as he rests his feet up on the kitchen table. ‘No more junk food for you, Jakey boy.’

“One more step in the direction you need to get on the right foot again.” Maggie says as she takes another bite of her food.

“Okay, you’re obviously not my AA sponsor, so what are you? My grief sponsor? Am I being set up?”

Maggie smiles but shakes her head. “Nope.. Just a friend that cares.”

“You better buy me all of that stuff back.”

“Mmmm, I’m gonna say… No.” She says as she pops another piece of waffle into her mouth and grins at Jake.

Josh laughs from the table. ‘I love her!’

Breakfast concludes and Maggie offers to do the dishes, since it is her mess that she made, but Jake shoos her off. “But–”

“You have to get to work,” He says. “Go.”

“Are you ordering me?”

“Pretty much,” Jake says as he starts to push her towards the front door. “Now go.”

Josh swings his legs off the table and stands up. ‘I know you can’t hear me but I’m gonna say this anyway.. She cooks, she cleans, she matches your energy, and she cares about you. She doesn’t put up with your bullshit and she’s fantastic! I approve.’

Jake sighs and drops the dishes back into the sink. As if he could sense Josh’s presence, he looks up at his reflection in the window. Imagining that his face is Josh’s. “I could really use some brotherly advice right about now.. I thought I’d never find happiness again, I thought I’d bring her down with my grief which is why I wanted to end it.. But she wouldn’t go away.”

‘Smart girl.’

“And now I think I’m actually starting to like her.” He sighs and turns away from the window. “But why do I feel guilty about this? Am I allowed to feel happy? Am I finally allowed to move on?”

‘Uh yeah?’ Josh rolls his eyes. ‘You can’t keep dwelling on me.. I’m perfectly fine with you moving on with your life. If she really makes you feel happy, then pursue her. I absolutely, one hundred percent, support this and you.’

Jake’s chin quivers. “I miss you,” He says. “I need my brother.”

‘You still have Sam. He needs you too.’

Clearing his throat, he turns back to the sink and continues working on the dishes. “Maybe I’ll call Sam. Gauge his opinion on this.”

‘He better tell you the same thing or I’ll haunt him too.’

Jake huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “Look at me… I’m going insane still talking as if you’re actually here..” He scoffs. “I don’t even want to know what Magnolia has up her sleeve.. Nor am I going to get my hopes up.”

‘Worth a shot, yeah? I wish you could see me again, I want you to see me again so you can have that closure. No one gets true closure at a funeral. Some try to believe that their closure starts when the casket is buried in the ground or seeing the tombstone. Closure is never closure.. Grief is always there. It never goes away. Some days you’ll feel okay, and some days you’ll feel so heavy with it that you’ll be right back at square one. If I could talk to you to your face again, I would absolutely tell you to pursue her. Chase after that happiness because you deserve it.’

Josh starts to lay his hand on Jake’s shoulder when he remembers that he’ll only go through him. So he pauses just above his shoulder, his hand wavering.

“Are you busy tonight?” Maggie asks over the phone.

“Uh no,” Jake says as he relaxes back in his bed. “Why do you ask?”

“Perfect, get dressed if you’re not, and meet me outside.”

“What?” Jake climbs out of bed and walks over to the bedroom window. Pulling the curtains apart and looking down towards the driveway, he finds Maggie parked out front and she’s leaning against her car. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to take you out.”

“Take me out?”

“What–A woman can’t take a guy out on a date?”

“Never said that.”

“Then get a shirt on, or don’t–your choice, and get your ass down here.”

“Oh.. Are you ordering me?”

“Pretty much,” She smirks. “Now come on,” She whines, stamping her foot. “Get dressed and get your ass down here.”

Jake sighs and shuts the curtains. “Give me five minutes.”

“Alright, Mr. Kiszka, the timer starts now.”

Jake sets his glass on the table and leans back in his chair. “I cannot believe you actually timed me.”

The waiter comes back over and offers dessert. “Yes, please,” Maggie beams. “A slice of chocolate cake.”

“And for you sir?” The waiter asks.

“Uh, I think we can share,” He looks over at Maggie. “If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Maggie says.

“I will be back then,” The waiter then walks away and Maggie looks back at Jake.

“Touch my cake and you will regret it.”

“Regret it how?” Jake raises his eyebrows and smirks.

“Keep it in your pants, Kiszka.” Maggie says as she picks up her fork and stabs it into the cake. “Or this fork won't just be for eating.”

“You are aggressive.” Jake chuckles. He picks up his own fork and smirks. “But I can be more aggressive.”

Hearing the front door open, Josh peers around the corner of the living room threshold and spying on Jake and Maggie. There’s a huge grin on his face as Maggie laughs at whatever he had told her prior to coming inside the house. He noticed how close they slowly were getting to each other.

‘Come on, idiot..’ Josh prods. ‘Kiss her. Just do it..’

Jake’s eyes flicker from Maggie’s eyes and down to her lips. She notices, of course, and she smiles. “Jake,” She says.

“Yeah?”

“Just kiss me already..”

“O-okay,” He stammers. “Uh..” He carefully raises his hand to cup the side of her face in his palm.

Slowly he leans in closer to Maggie, his lips lightly brushing hers. He presses his lips to her, finally feeling just how soft they are. He can still taste the chocolate cake on her lips. She takes him by surprise and grabs the belt loops of his pants and pulls him against her. He smiles against her lips and she giggles.

‘There you go,’ Josh says as he proudly grins with his hands on his hips. His smile slowly fades as he notices where Jake’s hand slowly starts to head for. ‘Noooo..’ Jake pushes Maggie against the wall. ‘No! No!’ Josh exclaims as he quickly turns away and covers his eyes. ‘Get a damn room!’ He quickly disappears to rid himself of what is about to happen.

Jake pulls away breathless. He looks down between them both to find her leg wrapped around his waist, her hand placed delicately on his chest. It’s no secret that he’s grown hard inside his jeans. The bulge is evident against her clothed center.

“I like you..” Maggie says, still slightly out of breath. “I really really like you.”

The smile comes back to Jake’s face and kisses her again. His heart pounds in his chest as he takes in her admittance. She likes him. He pulls away again and presses his lips to the backside of her ear, brushing his nose against her skin.

“I really really like you too,” He says. “I never thought I’d feel like this again..”

“Feel like what?” Maggie questions. “Happy?” Jake nods his head and she smiles. “Me too.”

He presses himself against her again and her sweet, little moan rings in his ear. “I really want you too.”

“I can tell,” Maggie laughs, earning a small chuckle from Jake.

“Are you okay with me taking you upstairs?”

“Yes,” She says. “Please.”

Pulling away from her, Jake takes her hand in his and leads her upstairs to his room. It’s a little moodier than she was expecting but she definitely felt comfortable.

It wasn’t long before they were both undressed and entangled in the bed. He took it slow with her, wanting to savor every second and make it last for as long as he could. It’s time he starts to not take anything for granted and to live in the moment.

Her legs are wrapped tightly around his wait as he thrusts into her. Both of them not wanting to chase down the high, not yet. Suddenly his mouth speaks before his mind catches up. “Please stay..” He says softly as he pushes himself up on his hands.

Maggie looks up at him, her eyes full of empathy and warmth. She smiles and pulls his head down to kiss him. “I’m not going anywhere.” She says. “I’ll stay for as long as you want me to–” She moans, her eyes closing as her head presses deeper into the pillows.

He nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck and peppers her skin with sloppy and wet kisses. Soon they both come on undone, their highs hitting at the same time.

Once they have relaxed, Jake gently removes himself from inside of her and rolls over to lay beside her on the bed. “Would you like to spend the night again?” He asks after a few beats of silence and turns his head to the side to look at her.

“I would love to,” She turns her head to look at him and flashes him a smile. He returns the smile before reaching out to her and pulling her against his body. “But you cook breakfast tomorrow.”

Jake chuckles. “Deal,” He says. “I can make you my famous omelets.”

“Sounds delicious..” She says as she stretches her neck up to kiss him.

The next morning, Jake wakes up to an empty bed beside him. He starts to sit up when he smells coffee brewing. Slipping on some clothes, he heads downstairs to the kitchen to find the room empty but the coffee brewing. “Hey,” He nearly jumps out of his skin and turns around to find Maggie standing beside him. She giggles and kisses him on the cheek. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You made coffee?”

Maggie looks at him confused and shakes her head. “No? I just got back from a run,” She says, pointing her finger over her shoulder and towards the front door. Jake looks back at the kitchen counter only to find a set of blue mugs sitting beside the coffeemaker. “Looks like you’ve got a ghost,” Maggie winks as she steps around him and into the kitchen. “Thanks Josh!” She calls out.

‘You are very welcome,’ Josh beams from his seated position on the kitchen counter. ‘I’ve been practicing how to move objects and touch things.’

“Josh?” Jake questions as he grabs one of the mugs. “You think he did this?”

“You'd be surprised what a spirit is capable of in the afterlife.” Maggie grabs one of the mugs and pours the fresh coffee. She hands him the other mug and walks over to the fridge to get the creamer.

“So you think he’s here?” Jake says.

Maggie nods her head. “It’s a very good possibility,” She says. “Unless your house was already haunted prior to him..”

‘Nope,” Josh says as he hops off the counter. ‘I’m the only dead one in the house.. Though I could be wrong.. I witnessed a cat kill a mouse so Scampers might be running around here somewhere.’

“You don’t think he saw…you know..” Jake says as he grabs the eggs out of the fridge and brings them over to the fridge.

‘Ew..’ Josh grimaces. ‘No, I left before you decided to get freaky.’ He shutters before going over to sit at the kitchen table in the chair beside Maggie.

“I think he’s more respectful than that.” Maggie giggles.

‘Respectful? More like not wanting to vomit.. Can ghosts even throw up?’

Jake chuckles and cracks a handful of eggs into a bowl before whisking it all together. “I’m just gonna choose to believe that he gave us privacy.”

‘Yes, because I totally want to watch my brother have sex.’ Josh rolls his eyes. ‘Who do I think I am, Jacob?’ Hearing little pitter patters and a squeaky sound, Josh looks down at the floor to see Scampers. ‘Well hello there Scamp!’ He chuckles and scoops the mouse off the floor. ‘I thought you ran off. So that makes two ghosts in the house now.”

The front door opens followed by a booming voice. “Hello! Hello! Hello!”

“Sam?” Jake sets the bowl of egg yoke on the counter.

Josh perks up. ‘Sam?’

Into the kitchen Sam appears and he smiles when he sees Jake. “Hey,” He says as they hug.

“This is a surprise,” Jake chuckles. “What brings you by?”

“Oh you know, just going on a walk.. Thought I’d stop by and visit for a bit, if that’s okay?”

“Of course!” Jake beams. “I was just starting breakfast for Maggie and I, but I can add more if you’re hungry?”

“Maggie?”

Jake nods his head and points over to the table where Maggie still sits with her coffee. She smiles and waves and Sam returns the gesture before turning back to Jake. “Umm, on second thought, I don’t want to intrude–”

“Intrude?” Jake scoffs. “You’re not intruding. Stay, Sam. Want some coffee? Jo–Just made some..” He quickly corrects himself, nearly saying Josh made the coffee. He barely believes it himself, there would be no way for him to convince Sam that their deceased brother’s ghost somehow made coffee.

“Coffee sounds good actually. I think my walk sucked out most of my energy.” He says as he walks over to the table and takes a seat in an empty chair.

Josh walks over to Sam and sits down beside him. He couldn’t believe that he was seeing his baby brother again. He hadn’t spoken to Sam since before the accident. Nothing bad happened between them, they just couldn’t align their schedules to fit. Sam never forgave himself for not making time. He felt so guilty that he barely made it through the funeral, but he forced himself to stay because he knew his family needed him there, just like he needed them. Once the burial ended, Sam was gone. No one saw or heard from him that first year following. Even when he came back, he wasn’t the same Sam.

Who could blame him? No one was the same after Josh’s passing.

He’s not been to the cemetery since the funeral. Still guilt ridden to even show his face there.

‘You grew out your facial hair even more,’ Josh chuckles. ‘Looks good on you.’

“So are you two..” Sam prompts as he wags a finger between Jake and Maggie.

“Seeing each other?” Jake smiles and nods his head. “Yes.”

‘Oh yeah.. Seeing each other is putting it lightly..’ Josh rolls his eyes.

“Good,” Sam smiles. “I was hoping so.”

“What about you and Poppy?” Jake asks as he heats up a pan on the stove.

“Oh uh.. Well..” Sam scratches the back of his head.

“Did you two break up?”

Sam shakes his head. “No, no.. We didn’t.. But uh,” He huffs and leans on the table. “We just found out so we haven’t really told anyone yet.”

“Found out what?”

“We’re expecting.”

Jake whirls around on his feet to face Sam, the look of surprise on his face. “Poppy’s pregnant?”

Sam nods his head. “Yeah, six weeks.”

Josh’s heart bursts with joy as he watches his two brothers hug. “That’s amazing!” Jake chuckles. “I-I didn’t realize you two were thinking about having kids, if I’m being honest.”

“We had been talking about it,” Sam says. “Just didn’t think it would happen this soon.”

“Well congrats baby brother,” Jake says as he hugs him again. “This is exciting!”

“Yeah, it is..” Sam’s smile slowly begins to disappear. “I just wish Josh were here so I could tell him…”

Jake looks over at Maggie and she sips on her coffee. “Oh I’m sure he’s aware,” Jake says as he turns back to go to the stove.

“I haven’t been back there,” Sam says. “Just still not ready..”

“Stop blaming yourself,” Jake says as he pours some of the whisked eggs into the pan.

“I keep telling myself that but he asked me to come along and I couldn’t, I had work to do.”

Jake shakes his head and finishes up the first omelet. “Sam, do you believe that if you had gone, you could have prevented his death?” He sets the finished omelet on the table in front of Maggie and looks down at his brother.

“What if I could have? I could have told him how stupid that idea was.. He’d listen to me, considering I am the one always doing stupid stuff.”

“Sam,” Jake goes back over to the stove and starts on the second omelet. “None of us, if we were there, could have prevented it because none of us would have known that that was going to happen. You need to stop blaming yourself..”

Jake brings the second one over to the table and places it in front of Sam. “I just wish I could go back and change everything..”

Jake lays his hand on Sam’s shoulder. “I’ve said that so much myself.. But unfortunately we can’t.. Now eat, you look like you need it.”

“Wow, way to make me feel better.” Jake chuckles and ruffles Sam’s hair before going back to the stove to make his own omelet.

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[barachiki]

I had a panic attack today about a burrito.

It started yesterday when my wife suggested we grab some on the way home. We went to a new place so we didn’t have to cross the highway. I order, then my wife orders half the toppings on hers before checking for cilantro, which she has an allergy. (We usually go to a cilantro free place so it was just a mistake). And of course there is some in the rice, and she panicked because the staff member looks like he was about to panic as well, so I say how about I just have that one for lunch tomorrow and she can start over.

Fine. Good. Three burritos are purchased, one goes in the fridge. Only I was in meetings all day and didn’t get a lunch, so I mention casually that I have to have this extra burrito for dinner tonight because it won’t be good for lunch after another day.

Then it started. This wave of pressure, guilt and fear washes over me. I felt like I was going to die. This feeling of impending doom because I had my dinner planned and my wife would have to fend for herself.

Now, rational me knows that my wife is a grown-ass woman who can cook her own fucking dinner. But panic attack me thought of this as a wholly selfish thing to do. So I get up and go to make her something. Not for her sake at this point, but to make the anxiety I’m feeling go away. I get a few ingredients together, but the pan I wanted to use was in the dishwasher. I begin to cry at this point. I lay on the sofa shaking.

This is when my wife comes in from outside, unaware of the situation. I’m in tears, the kitchen is a disaster and I am babbling through the snot and crying about a stupid burrito.

She calmed me down a bit by talking to me, brings me my anxiety meds and we sit together til I am a bit more relaxed. I take some breaths and am eventually a bit better. She makes herself some food and I get the burrito. It wasn’t very good, and honestly, I had to throw half of it away because it wasn’t sitting well in me.

The thing here is, any of a number of things could have caused that panic attack. I got two and a half hours sleep last night. I am on some new meds that are affecting my hormones. I didn’t eat all day. I’m still recovering from being extremely ill. All of the above. But that just made everything feel so much worse because I felt so broken.

It was never about the burrito.

Writing this out now gives me an interesting perspective at it. Since now I am calm, I have my pyjamas on, I am in bed early, and I will put on a show or something to relax. But remembering those few minutes when I was feeling genuinely irrationally obsessed with a burrito is a reminder that I am struggling, and sometimes these struggles can come to a head and make me do (dare I say) crazy things.

I am bipolar, I have generalized anxiety disorder. And I have been medicated for my entire adult life. My doctor is new to managing my mental health meds because of some crap I don’t want to talk about. He wants me to take away some of the meds I am on, but increase the dose on the ones that work. I have been bumping into side effects and walls where I can’t even take cough syrup let alone prescribed meds without jumping head first with a drug interaction. So let’s clean up my meds.

It is hard to do. And my unbalanced self is poking through at my weak moments. I had a bunch of weak moments today and it culminated in this bit of mania and chunk of anxiety that makes me feel insane.

But here I am, an hour later, in my pyjamas and typing this into tumblr, seeing clearly that the burrito doesn’t matter.

I wish I could see this clearly all the time.

I think I will make an appointment with my shrink soon.

[mudgazing]

Just this once

(After rewatching Atomgrad ep 4 i needed to write some Farah and Alex angst + hurt/comfort)

Farah sighs raggedly, wrapping herself tighter in her sheets as nausea courses through her body. She should have been up over an hour ago. Deep down she knows why she can’t get up, but she’ll never admit it. Alex calls out, rapping on the door with urgency. “Commander! Are you alright?” “I’m fine!” She sighs, closing her eyes briefly. A face flashes in her mind. Blood running down his forehead like a disgraced prince. 

Fuck you, Hadir.

“It’s unlike you to be late for anything.” His deep, warm voice travels into her ears, temporarily pulling her out of her rage.

“Are you alright?” Gathering her strength, Farah sits up, head swimming. Through the fog, she stumbles towards the door, one desire rising above the rest. 

Part of her is saturated with guilt – a war is raging, her brain and body are overworked to the point where she can barely serve – and confusingly, all she wants is a little human comfort. How selfish, Farah chides sarcastically to herself as she cracks open the door. Alex gazes at her kindly as she’s swaddled in the sheets. “You’re clearly not alright,” He slips into the room, hands on his hips. “You got a fever, Karim?” “Likely.” As she retreats back to bed, he trails a respectful distance behind her. 

“I don’t know what could cause this. I’ve been eating what I usually eat, and —”

“You? Eat?” He scoffs good naturedly. “I do eat, Alex. Sometimes.” She mumbles the last word while turning to face away from him. She hates being seen like this, so incapacitated and vulnerable.  “Cigarettes don’t count.” He pulls up her desk chair beside the bed and plops down. “You have troops to delegate. That’s an order.” Farah shivers. “Already did.” “So you’re shirking personal responsibilities then?” She rolls over to face him, grimacing as beads of sweat appear on her forehead. Alex pulls out a handkerchief from his tac vest. “My responsibility now is …”He carefully wipes her head, speaking softly. “Takin’ care of you, Commander.” Farah swallows hard, eyes glued to him as he gets up and searches for her first aid kit. “I’ve been feeling hot and cold since last night. Aching all over. Nauseous as well, but no vomiting.” Alex returns to her side, handing her a thermometer. She shoves it in her mouth. “What do you think could have caused this, Alex?” She murmurs.  He looks sideways at her, forearms resting on his thighs as the thermometer's cap turns idly in his hands. “Yesterday's mission. I could tell you were under more stress than usual.” “Don’t worry about me — I’ve been through worse.” She sighs with resignation, closing her eyes. He pulls the thermometer out of her mouth. “99 degrees Fahrenheit.” 

“Fuck.” Farah opens her eyes, thick brows creased in annoyance and concern.  “Your body couldn’t take it anymore.” He continues, shaking up a brown bottle of pain reliever. “Seeing Hadir die was the straw that broke the camel’s back.” 

He pours the dark syrup into the cap and passes it to her. “My wounds will heal in time. They need to. There’s still lots of work to do.” She shudders a bit while downing the liquid.  “Of course they’ll heal, you’ve got one strong camel.” A fleeting smile passes her face at the shitty joke. He turns to face her, good knee touching the bed while his face grows serious. “I’m so fucking angry at what he did. And yet, when you knocked on the door this morning …” Tears rim her dark, sleep deprived eyes. “I was half expecting it to be him. I am – was – his sister. We helped each other survive, and he had the audacity to say stealing the gas was for Urzikstan, for us… ” Her voice rises, taking on an angry and desperate edge. She slowly opens her tightly balled fists, shuddering.

“I apologize, I got carried away.” “Farah.” He leans back in the chair, pulling off his gloves. “You should be the last person on earth to apologize.” 

“Death is around us every day. I don't have time to mourn, I should be re-strategizing with you. I'm well enough to talk…”

“No, you should relax.” Alex places a firm hand on her shoulder. “You're not thinking straight. I’ll … I’ll go digging for some intel and..."

They stare at each other for a moment, waiting on bated breath. Every nerve in Farah’s body tingles with yearning while he brushes loose, sweat damp hairs from her face. She allows herself to lean into the caress just this once.

[brighter-by-the-daly]

Rachel Daly x Reader

Part Eighteen - Before You Go 🔞

Eating your waffle and syrup breakfast in bed that Rachel bought up this morning you couldn’t believe you were leaving for Australia tomorrow. “So as it’s our last night just us before you’re surrounded by 30 other women 24/7, how about we go shopping and I treat you like the queen that you are?” Rach said marched into the room gathering items for her suitcase. “Just like every other day then?” you smiled with honesty, she always makes you feel like the only girl in the world, something no other partner has ever managed to do. “Oh also, I wanna tick off your other fantasy. Yknow.. before we can’t for two months” she stood at the end of bed waiting for your ears to prick up and just as expected, you glanced up from your phone suddenly intrigued with this suggested shopping trip. “How am I gonna keep my hands off you for over a month?” you asked worried for your sanity as you crawled over the bed to grab her. “Maybe I’ll be shit so we can come home sooner” she shrugged jokingly “absolutely not! I’m not dating a loser!” you laughed at her “oh I see how it is, only want me when I’m a winner aih?” acting dramatically hurt by your statement. “Obviously! Otherwise I’ll just have to find someone on the other team so you either win, or lose me and the trophy” you said sarcastically so she knew there was no truth in your statement. “I think a sex ban will be good for us” she changed the subject while wriggling out of your hold to pace between the bedroom and bathroom “yeah we can get to know each other better without wanting to rip each other’s clothes off all the time!” realising as you said this that you practically still didn’t know the woman you’re running to the other side of the globe with. “I doubt you’ll have much time to get to know me though, you’ll be working” you said pensively, wondering if this trip was a good idea after all. “It’s not all work, we have fun days as well, Sarina usually plans days out for us and we’ll get days off too” she informed you as you started to get dressed. Grabbing your phone and keys to drive back home to see your family before leaving the country for nearly two months, you kissed your girl goodbye and started the 90 minute journey.

Packing your suitcase alone in your bedroom gave you time to reflect, the last time you were here Rachel gave you a key to her house and you’ve barely been back here since. Hearing your mum come home you dragged your suitcase downstairs to greet her.

A feeling of guilt washed over you that you hadn’t been home in a while and although you hadn’t officially moved in with Rachel, you’re more there than you are at here now. “You’ve barely known her a month (y/n/n) and now you’re following her halfway around the world” she said with worry in her eyes as you chatted in the kitchen “mum, I know it sounds mad but I’ve never felt like this before” taking her hands to reassure her “I just don’t want you getting hurt darling” she said tentatively stroking your face “she told me she loves me last night mum” you said leaning your cheek into her hand. “Wow that’s quick!” mum’s eyes widened with shock “sometimes someone makes you feel in a month what others haven’t done in years” you smiled thinking about last night and every other night you’d spent with Rach. Mum pursed her lips together in a way to show she’s still not 100% happy with her daughter running off with someone she barely knows, “if you’re sure love, we’ll support you. Do you need anything else, have you had your jabs?” you breathed a sigh of relief that she’d dropped the protective mother act for now, she still treats you like a child but I guess that’s a mother’s prerogative. You told her you’ve got an appointment to have the jabs later and asked if she’s going to be okay without you. She laughed and said it’s not your job to halt your life to look after her. Besides, her boyfriend will be around a lot knowing you’re not going to pop in whenever you fancied coming home. You squirmed at the thought “ewwww mum!” you screeched. “What? You don’t stop having sex when you’re my age!” her remarks made you stick your fingers in your ears and LALALALA jokingly. “I hope you have the best time (y/n/n), don’t elope while you’re out there!” which made you laugh, “mum it’s definitely too soon for that! You’ll be there when… if I get married one day!” squeezing her hands in yours. “Anybody would be lucky to have you honey, I hope Rachel knows how lucky she is” the protectiveness coming out as she started to stroke your face again “she tells me every day mum” as you both finished the conversation smiling, mum was happy for you and came out to wave you off. You saw your sister, dad and grandparents next then went for your jabs before swinging past your old workplace.

Walking up the stairs to the office you checked your phone to see Rachel had posted on insta again, this is the most she’s posted in months! It was the group photo of the team, you and your friends at the club and she’d tagged everyone in it which you thought was cute. Georgia and Katie showed you that Rach and Millie had started following them and George had a message from Lucy “hey you x” simply. George said she’s probably just being friendly and didn’t want to look too much into it so just replied with ‘good luck in the World Cup!’ You had a good chat about the trip and how you still didn’t know how you were getting there or where you were staying, you’ve never been this spontaneous before but there’s something about that girl that makes you want to follow her anywhere. They had to get back to work so you put the radio on and started the 90 minute drive back up north.

Arriving at Rachel’s house you’d dumped your suitcase at the bottom of the stairs and was doing last minute checks for your passport, plane ticket, hotel documentation and visa while Rachel browsed her phone next to you. “I’ve had so many emails asking us to do interviews” she mentioned “you and Millie?” you said not really paying her any attention. “No, me and you!” she exclaimed making your ears prick up. “What is happening right now, am I still asleep?” you laughed wondering how you had got here “Podcasts, magazines, papers - there’s loads!” Rachel showed you the list of emails requesting not just her but you too. “The girls sent me loads of articles about us last night!” you passed your phone to Rachel to look at them “I’m kinda famous now” chuckling at the thought that you’re news worthy. “There’s even a fan account of us, not just you, me too!” your voice a lot more excitable now. “You are cute yknow (y/n/n)” she laughed at you as she scrolled through your phone reading the articles, everyone’s talking about you two. “I’m gonna set up some of these interviews, do you want to be a part of them or not?” it was nice that she asked consent before shining the spotlight on you. “I’m not sure I’ll be any good, do you want me to be a part of them?” hoping her answer would be no. “Well they have asked for both of us, so yeah? They clearly want to know our story and not just about football. We could start with Jill’s podcast, Coffee Club? That’ll be a relaxed vibe” she said trying to think of ways to ease you in to her world. You love Coffee Club and told her to do whatever she thinks is best as you leant over to kiss her. “Errrm, what is this?” Rachel asked turning your phone around for you to see she’d found the engagement rings you were looking at last night. “Inspiration?” you cringed. “For what, I’m gonna do the proposing” she said matter of factly. You thought she’d be weirded out by her find but instead just wanted to argue over which one of you does the proposing when the time comes, which was nice really. Most people would want to run a mile if they found out you were looking at rings a month into the relationship, but not Rachel. You pointed out the styles that caught your eye, Rach said she liked simple, more of a band but with sparkles and you both agreed on silver. “How would you wear it if you’re not allowed jewellery on the pitch?” you questioned “I’d have to take it off or you could wear it, see it makes more sense just me proposing” she said with a cocky smile “no, I want to propose too, I want you to have something that shows you’re mine” you whined to try and get your own way “is the tattoo not enough babe?” she laughed “it’s not obvious is it, you wouldn’t notice it unless you knew it was there. If you wanna know if someone’s single you look for a ring, not a tattoo” you pushed back with your argument “what if I get a tattoo on my ring finger?” she suggested “yeah of my face!” you laughed jokingly “don’t actually do that though! I know what you’re like now!”

Laying back down on the bed you held her arm to scan her other tattoos, you asked what each one was for and she explained the meaning of each one on her body. You were surprised to know that she put your initials on her family arm, which made the gesture even more adorable. She showed you her first, worst and favourite then asked you about yours. You had a lot less than her, you have loads that you want but never had money spare to get them. “I’m more of a leg tattoo girl than arms, I want them covered” you said explaining the designs you want and where. “Throwing shade are we?” she looked at you sternly. “Not at all! Arm sleeves are hot but I think they’re for a certain type of woman and that’s not me” attempting to explain your point “girls with arm sleeves are always strong and athletic, leg tattoos are a bit more grungey, rock n roll yknow” you smiled innocently. “I’m learning a lot about you today (y/l/n)!” she said playing with your hair. “I never grew out of my emo phase” laughing as you flicked through your Spotify playlists, “mate, I never had one!” You looked shocked but not surprised, Rach didn’t seem like the type of person that had an emo phase “well they do say opposites attract” smiling as she held your head back to kiss her.

You laid in each other’s arms for a while daydreaming about your futures - pets, kids, dreams and aspirations, you’ve always wanted to be a radio presenter, Rachel encouraged this for you and said podcasts is the first step to that. She called Jill to find out when she wanted you both on the show, she suggested recording it later today before we leave and asked some of the questions so you could prepare then asked Rach if there’s anything she does or doesn’t want you to talk about. Not Millie and Levi breaking up or anything obviously private but she was happy to say about how we met.

You helped Rachel pack the rest of her things and asked when Millie was coming home, she was seeing her family and would be back later. You did the podcast with Jill and it just felt like a nice chat between friends, Millie came home halfway through and joined in too. She asked about how we met and how you’re adjusting to people knowing who you are - you said it was pretty cool at the moment. Rachel spoke about previous relationships and wanting to keep them private but doesn’t want that now, she’s proud of you and wants to show you off to the world which was adorable. She asked about the very recent “I love you” and if you see it going further - Rach was very quick to answer that question. She asked Millie if it’s weird having to share her best friend but she said it’s even better because now she has two, you thought that was the cutest thing ever. She spoke about the World Cup and asked if I was going, you said you were and was very excited for your first tournament. You spoke about your friend’s and family’s reactions when they found out you were dating a Lioness - sceptical but excited. The last question was what’s in our future. Rachel said after the tournament you’re planning a holiday, marriage is definitely on the cards and after she retires she looks forward to a quiet life but that won’t be for a long time yet as there’s lots more trophies to be won for now. Jill finished recording and said how happy she was for us, stating that Rachel is the happiest she’s ever been while knowing her. Millie ended with “(y/n)’s friends have told me she’s the happiest they’ve ever known her to be too” which was sweet. Everything was cute. Everything was perfect and you’ve never been more loved up before.

Later on in the day you dropped Rach at St James Park for a last minute meeting before the World Cup, kissing goodbye in the doorway Rachel held her debit card between two fingers as she held it out towards you. “I want you to go buy everything we need for your fantasy and then meet me at home” she said quietly “which one?” you smirked knowing you couldn’t count on both hands the things you want to do with her. “The one with the short little skirt” she said incredibly close to your mouth so nobody could hear or lip read what she said then pecked your lips, lingering for a second and walked backwards towards her team before turning and jogging away.

Arriving home with your bags from shopping you knew Rach would be home soon. Stumbling over the suitcases dumped in the lounge you climbed upstairs to the en-suite to freshen up. Rushing to get ready until you heard her key rattling in the door.

She knew you were home and not seeing you in the lounge or kitchen made her way upstairs to find you. Pushing the bedroom door open to see you sitting on the bed. Legs crossed, stockings above your knees, black high heels, tiny little skirt with your blouse exposing your your lingerie underneath. Swinging handcuffs around your finger she couldn’t help but launch herself on top of you, falling back on to the bed and rolling around in the sheets. Her hand slipped up your skirt and onto your arse biting hard on your lip before pulling away. Foreheads together, breaths heightened, hair dishevelled “tell me exactly how you want me to do this” she said kissing behind your ear. “Behind my back please” you said passing her the handcuffs and batting your eyelashes. Rachel clicked the metal rings around your wrists and asked if they felt okay “tighter please” you asked innocently. Clicking them in once more her fingers pulled your shirt down to expose your shoulder, her lips kissed up your neck as her hand held between your legs over your skirt. Already feeling turned on she span you around to face her “next?” she asked tucking the loose strands of hair behind your ear. Pointing to the bag on the floor with your eyes and pulling out a paddle and plug her eyebrows raised in an approving manner, her mouth turned up into a smirk as she turned to look at you. “Sit down” you demanded, even in handcuffs you’re the dominant one. Laying your body over her knees “you know the rest” you said winking at her as she grabbed your waist to reposition you comfortably. Stroking your arse she landed a slap over the top of your skirt then lifted it over your hips, feeling her hand meet your skin for the first time made you jolt, the slaps got harder as she wrapped your hair around her fist lifting your head up, to look at her, in between each slap she softly rubbed to take away the sting. As she grabbed the paddle the smacks got louder and harder making you start to yelp. She released your hair to cover your mouth with her hand, spanking you harder and faster until your cheeks were bright red. Pulling your thong aside and grabbing the lube, she slowly pushed the plug inside making you moan. Reaching between your legs she slid her fingers through your lips until she found your clit, circling around and making you squirm before her fingers found their way inside you. Plunging her fingers in and pulling out as quickly as she entered, she did this enough until she could feel you dripping through to her bare legs.

Helping you stand up she undressed you completely then guided you to the window, she knew there’d be no one around for miles as she pressed your face into it. The cold glass pane immediately making your nipples hard. Moving your hair to kiss your neck and bite your ear lobe “spread those legs for me baby” you did what she said “perfect” with one last kiss on your shoulder before dropping to her knees between them. Your knees buckled at her tongue’s touch held up by her arms wrapped around your thighs keeping you firmly on her face. It didn’t take you long with all the fore play to get to your tipping point, releasing over her. Your legs unable to hold you any longer as she guided you down onto her lap. Holding your back against her chest her hand reached between your legs. You begged her to stop as you shook uncontrollably but she refused holding your neck and telling you to shut up. Linking her feet around yours to keep your legs apart you wished you worked out so you could over power her but you couldn’t and had to succumb to being forced to cum again. Rach cradled you in her arms until your breath returned back to normal, unlocking the handcuffs from your wrists she kissed the red marks underneath them. “Was that how you imagined it?” She asked between kissing over your body “waaay better than I imagined” finally able to stroke her face “you’re my favourite fucking human” she whispered through kisses “your turn next!” you giggled rolling on top of her so she couldn’t escape, pinning her wrists into the floor.

Kissing down her neck and pulling her shirt apart to circle her nipple before taking it into your mouth to suck. Looking up at her to maintain eye contact, you grazed your teeth then moved to the other, flicking it with your tongue to find out what she liked most. Your fingers stroked the inside of her thighs then moved between her legs and under her pants, running your fingers along her lips teasingly. Your girl moaned longing to feel your touch, you desperately wanted to touch her too but decided it would be fun to tease her longer. You felt her hand move to the back of your neck squeezing tightly “please” she whined under her breath “you need to learn to be patient” you spoke egotistically. Her eyes opened wide to look at you “are you really gonna make me beg?” she pleaded “hmm, I like that idea” her suggestion turned you into the smug one. “Go on then. Beg.” you demanded gently running one finger along her but not hard enough to part her lips. She scoffed at you in disbelief “well if you don’t want to…” you proposed slowly starting to pull your hand out of her pants “no, no wait! I’ll beg!” Stopping your actions to move your hand back to where it was as she took a long breath in “please touch me” she said pathetically “look at me Daly” grabbing her chin and moving her to face you, opening her eyes to look at you immediately turned her weak “please baby, I need you to touch me, my clit is throbbing and my pants are soaked.” As she spoke her legs spread wider making you bite your bottom lip, longing to touch her but wanting to make her wait as long as possible. “(Y/n) please baby, I love you” she winced. Those words cinched it as you parted her lips to feel how wet she truly was, the feeling made you gasp. “Take your pants off” your commands met as she did what you said without hesitation then spread her legs wide just for you. Your breathing became heavy as you took in the view of her perfect vulva glistening under the lights. Raising her hips gesturing for you to finally touch her, you had to have her too. Using very light and slow touches to tease her gently knowing at this point she’ll just want you inside her or your face between her, you knew going slow would feel like torture. Taking your time before introducing another finger to circle in the other direction, constantly watching the way she moves and the faces she pulls. Her back arched off the bed as she moved herself closer to you, knowing she was finding it hard being patient. “The more you do that the more I’ll slow down” you told her, “that’s not fair” she whined incessantly “do it yourself then” you smirked pulling your body away from her. She tutted as you picked up her hand and slipped her fingers into your mouth then placed her own hand between her legs. Watching her intently turn herself on you so desperately wanted to touch her, the pleas were hard to ignore but you stuck to your guns. Moving away from the bottom of her body and laying beside her so your face was next to hers. Her puppy dog eyes staring at you longing for your touch again, stroking the hair out of her face and tracing her nipple with your finger continuing the light and gentle touches drove her near insanity. “I want you-“ she managed before gasping. “you want me what?” you knew exactly what she wanted but continued to toy with her. “You. I want you” her tone turning forceful “you’ve got me silly” she’d finally had enough of your shit as she climbed on top of you and shoved her fingers into your mouth. “You like the taste?“ nodding at her dominance coming back “if you’re not going to give it to me, I’m going to take it for myself” planting herself on top of your face.

You let her have her fun riding you until you felt the cold metal of the handcuffs slide across the mattress and touch your hips. You waited until you could tell she was close then in one swift move lifted her off you and cuffed her wrists to the headrest. Rach barely had any time to process what had happened but your face took no time to find it’s place between her thighs, lifting her legs up and over your shoulders longing to be wedged into place by her quads. Building her back up to her high point your fingers entered making her eyes roll back and her hips buck against your face, her mouth open with only small sounds escaping. “I’m gonna miss your fingers inside me baby” gasping as she tightened her grip around your head. Finding little pockets of air to breath you were held there until her release came. Sitting up onto your knees as her legs flopped to the side from exhaustion you kept your fingers inside her, as you released the cuffs from her hands you made little movements to trick her body into going again. Throughout the night you came an endless amount of times all over the house, knowing that for two months you wouldn’t be allowed to touch each other at all.

Part Nineteen - Surrounded

[the-storyteller-and-her-soldiers]

So I Worked Myself Sick... And Recovery

Either that or my usual fall cold has really accurate timing. No matter the reason though I didn't wanna listen and tried to do more chores despite feeling like death. It got to the point I apologized to my mom for not doing more and she instead demanded I take some meds and go lay down. (She rarely gets like this unless she thinks I legit look like death...)

It's nothing bad, just my head in a vice, nausea, scratchy throat that hurts if I open my mouth for any reason, and congestion that eats like 5 boxes of tissues. The usual...

But that got me thinking since even on the verge of me falling over I was like "No, I need to do more, you need to rest... I'm sorry I haven't done more..." I'd totally go into the Spider Society totally ill but brunting through the symptoms like I have many times prior.

A lot of people are sympathetic thinking Miguel drug me in. But when I go to see him, he stops me mid-briefing and demands I go rest. I try to insist I'm fine and I'm going to do the job he gave me since I know I'm not contagious and I need to earn my keep.

Basically reciting crap that he hasn't said about me in years. So what does he do? He webs me up like he did to Miles and takes me back to his apartment. If I'm not going to at least act like I'll listen and get rest, then he's gonna ensure it.

I'm laid up in his bed, cold meds and a warm drink on the nightstand, a bowl of soup still steaming on the other. Miguel wishes that he could stay and do it all himself, but LYLA has it covered. Besides, he did bring me a few home comforts like my laptop and a few plushies. I can't be so restless if I'm buried in blankets and other soft crap. He even lets me log in to YouTube on his TV so that I'm not staring at such a close screen for so long, and he's only used it like 20 times in the years of having the place.

So when he's sure I'm not gonna leave, he heads back to work. He makes sure to tell me and LYLA to keep him updated if I need anything. We agree and it's not too long before I pass out, while LYLA gives updates every half hour like he asked.

Even with all this, he can't help but keep returning to check in on me himself. I'm usually asleep or playing Stardew with some documentary of true crime or a TV show or Book analysis on the TV. It calms him slightly but seeing me cough in pain or bring the trash can to my face causes him to ache.

Y'all can't tell me this man wouldn't be holding some internal guilt for pushing me so hard before, even after I explain this IS most likely all my own doing. So whenever he is back at the main Spider Society Hub, he can't disguise his curt behavior and shorter temper. Not to those who know him well, anyway. Newer recruits just think that's how he is...

But they can't help from wondering where I am, since I've developed a reputation of being the soothing balm he craves. Soon enough rumors started going around that we got into a fight and he sent me packing. But when some people catch him not being in his office multiple times for more than 20 minutes a time, they get worried. Their natural curiosity mixed with Miguel's weirder behavior and LYLA's secrecy would get the better of them and a few Spiders begin to follow Miguel.

When they come across Miguel's apartment, they sneak inside. They then find me, in his bed, in nothing but an oversized top, buried beneath blankets and plushies. The pills are scattered and nearly empty while cough syrup lies without a lid. The soup bowl is now on the floor. To top it all off, I do not appear to be breathing.

SPOILER ALERT! I am, I just am a real heavy sleeper in that regard so even my own mother will wake me up since she fears the worst. Well, even though Miguel had just left, LYLA had informed him of his freaked-out visitors. So he rushes back and he's PISSED since not only are they trespassing, but if they wake me and make me feel bad for resting, he's gonna lose it.

So he surprises these Spider-people from behind and begins lecturing them. But these Spider-people are resistant to his reasoning, considering how he behaved with others who didn't follow his rules like Gwen and Miles.

That's when I wake up, grumpy and groggy because owww... why are people here? But when Miguel sees this, his tone and behavior take a 180. This freaks out the intruding Spider-people even more and they begin getting frantic. I simply pat my throat, and when Miguel scolds me for talking when it hurts, I smile, pat my throat, and shake my head.

I froggily explain what really happened and that Miguel was just taking care of me since I refused to do it myself. I'm not kidnapped, I'm not fired or broken up with him. If anything I'm grateful someone, once again, knocked some sense into me since I have a history of not caring for my own health when it got bad but other people had problems.

This eases the newer Spider-people and everything seems okay as he escorts them out of his place and orders LYLA for another soup delivery... Though I may have helped calm the situation and shown them a much softer side to Miguel that not many have seen since long before the incident with his alt world...

Nothing's gonna help them with the thrashing they get back in the office, but that's not my concern...

[mansions-maiden]

Hello! I am so happy your requests are open! Could you write for the grumpy bröer, Theo and prompt #19: "we can share, only if I can feed you." Thank you!

Hello dear anon! Hope you're having a wonderful day/night. Sorry it took so much time to complete this. Hope you enjoy this!

Prompt:19. We can share, only if I can feed you

Characters: Theo, gn! MC. (not in relationship)

words: 1.3K

A/n: Cedric is side character in Theo's route. He is Theo's client

The evident discontent in those stormy blue eyes only deepened the delighted grin on your face. An incessant amusement danced in your eyes, which only prompted Theo to deepen his skin prickling glare on his co-worker as if adding fuel to the fire.

His desire only grew more when he looked in your direction, or quite precisely, at the stack of syrup-dipped pancakes in front of you.

But he had to control himself, as he remembered that he had lost the bet to you. He impatiently tapped his fingers against the table, which didn't go unheard by you. Your smile became more sympathetic and less of amusement as you saw his impatience.

You reminisced how you got how you had won the bet.

THE PREVIOUS DAY:

You and Theo were out in the city to select the paintings for his clients. Both picked a painting each to sell to Cedric, your esteemed customer.

You looked at your selection and smiled proudly to yourself. "I'm sure Cedric will choose my painting tomorrow. Theo scoffed beside you and crossed his arms. "No, knabbeltje. He's going to choose MY painting. I know his tastes and likes very well. "

"Oh please, Theo! Just because you are a famous art dealer here doesn't mean that your customers wouldn't like other's selection!" You turned to him with a sigh.

Theo raised a single eyebrow, a look of amusement in his eyes. He ran his fingers through his chestnut hair, his ocean blue eyes focusing on the small figure in front of him.

"The pup is barking against her master now, eh?"

"Speak for yourself, 'master.' "You scoffed exasperatedly.

Theo laughed mirthfully, amusement dripping in his laughter. "If you're so confident in your selection, Why don't we have a challenge?"

Your eyes perked up in interest at his statement. "Whomever's selection is picked by Cedric will be the winner tomorrow. "

You turned to him fully and asked," What will the winner get?"

Theo thought for a while before replying," The winner will get a treat from the loser in the parlour. And the losing one gets nothing to eat." You naturally accepted the challenge.

You were fuelled with a competitive spirit and accepted the challenge. Deep down, you were nervous. You knew this enterprising devil was not famous without any reason. His sharp eye and spot-on guess of others' character gives him a huge advantage over you. He's a prodigy, after all. But it was too late to take back your words by now.

The following day, you both went to Cedric's home with your paintings. You and Theo confidently smirked at each other, both of you willing to win the challenge at any cost. There was a playful tense atmosphere engulfing you both.

You asked Cedric to select a painting between the two that spoke to him the most. Time seemed to flow slowly as Cedric's hand touched his favourite painting. You squeezed your eyes shut, unable to bear the suspense any longer.

You opened your eyes, only to be greeted with a baffled expression on Theo's face. Cedric's hand was atop your painting. Your lips immediately broke into the broadest smile they can form, and your eyes were brimming with the confidence of a person who overcame their greatest difficulty.

You both finished selling the painting to him and came outside. You tapped Theo's shoulder with a grin on your face and chirped, "Well 'Master,' looks like the amateur has won the challenge this time.'

Theo smiled back at you genuinely, his fine features making him look even more boyish and handsome than usual. Your heart skipped a beat at his rare but genuine smile on his lips.

"Well, a deal is a deal. Let's go to the parlour, hondje. Gotta reward you for your hard work and victory. Looks like you're shining under my training."

You both shook your hands and smiled at each other, equally happy and feeling admiration for each other.

Theo took you to the parlour as he promised, and your mind was urging you to avenge Theo harmlessly. You thought of ways to tease Theo, and a brilliant idea popped up in your mind.

You just had to confirm one thing with him. "What was the condition again Theo, the one who lost gets nothing to eat, no?"

Theo nodded in agreement. You both took a seat. You called the waiter and were ready to give your order. But- just to taunt him, you pretended to go through the menu, thinking aloud. "Um- I crave something sweet. How about I order pancakes, Theo-? Oh, and also, I should not forget the syrup."

Theo understood your trick. Yet, he was getting riled up because you were taking full advantage of the challenge in your own way.

"Order whatever you want. And make it quick. I am not going to sit here and wait forever as you nibble on it."

You pouted at him. "I wanted to savour the pancakes slowly as I worked hard. But it looks like I can't…." You looked down at the table.

Theo sighed as he replied, "okay, stop right there. You don't have to guilt-trip me, you know? Do whatever you want."

You smiled at him, knowing that you had won the 'argument.' You ordered pancakes, and of course, the sweet syrup.

At present:

While you were taking your own sweet time enjoying the pancakes, looking at Theo trying to distract himself from his all-time favourite snack made you feel a bit guilty. You thought you had your share of fun, but you thought a little bit more of it wouldn't hurt anyone.

You looked at Theo and said, "Theo, I can't eat at peace while you are sitting there both patiently and impatiently at the same time somehow. So shall I propose an Idea?"

Theo leaned forward in his chair, a hint of curiosity shining in his eyes. "We can share the pancake, equally between us. But-" you gave a pause, looking at Theo in the eye. "But, what? Continue it, hondje."

You cleared your throat, preparing yourself for what you were about to say. "But- we can share, but only if I can feed you. "

Theo was taken aback by your proposal. He looked between you and the stack of pancakes, looking thoughtful. You were waiting for his decision. He looked hesitant, but he gave in to the temptation and accepted it. You laughed at him, amused by the way the tables had turned.

You cut into the pancakes and held your fork to his mouth, waiting for him to eat it. He nibbled at them, all the while looking away from you. The littlest hints of blush on his cheeks made you flustered as well, suddenly wondering how you look like to the other people. You looked at the glass window beside you, reflecting both of you. You looked like a couple, and suddenly, you felt butterflies in your stomach.

All of your confidence melted right there, just like the butter on the pancakes. You were about you retract your hand back, but Theo caught it gently before you could do it. He smiled at you and asked, "Are you taking back your deal? Will you leave me hungry? " You slowly shook your head, and Theo ate the remaining piece on the fork and grinned at you. "Eat fast. I also want to have my share of pancakes, as you said."

You realised it suddenly and nodded, quickly finishing up the remaining part of the pancake. Theo took the remaining half and ate it, still having a smug look on his face.

That entire evening, you were distracted, your thoughts filled with Theo and the failed challenge, which you thought would win by riling him up.

Hope you enjoyed reading it!

[angsty-omi]

bokuto body shaming you

kotaro bokuto x reader

angst, fluff! happy ending, drabble

before you continue to read, please be aware of the following:

tw: eating disorder, eating, food, fatphobia, insecurity, bullying, and uh using the bathroom. LOL. i wrote this at 2 am because i couldn’t sleep. bear with me.

japan’s (and most of asia’s) beauty standards consists of a girl being size 00. obviously it is highly unfair and fatphobic. however, asian girls grow up to these same standards. therefore, when y/n is hurt over the fact that they called her fat, she gets offended. this is fiction and please remember your body is beautiful no matter what size!

now that you have read the precautions, enjoy!

today was super stressful, you missed breakfast because of work, clients took up your lunch time by feuding with their now divorced husbands, and you obviously couldn’t eat in the courtroom. you controlled the rumbles of you stomach and couldn’t wait to unlock your burgundy door. as you got home from work, bokuto was already on the couch.

“hey babe” he nonchalantly said.

“hi bubby”

as you walked over to the fridge, it was empty. you cried in agony.

“oooooh sorry i ate all of the leftovers”

your current state, was hangry. it was a clash of words to represent your current emotion. you snuck two middle fingers behind his head.

“i saw that,” he said while still looking at his game footage.

not having food in your system for longer than a day really upset you. so much so, you busted in tears out of frustration.

“literally all the places are closed at this hour, when i get home all i wanted was to ingest something, but you ate it all!” you sobbed.

“y/n, you’re blowing this out of proportion,”

“but i’m not! work has been so hard on me that i didn’t even have the opportunity to eat.”

“surely you had some sort of break, are you sure you’re not starving yourself again?” he laughed to himself.

your face was in shock.

in high school, you had an eating disorder. you hated the way you looked compared to the thin girls in your class. do you know how hard it is to be a size 4 in japan? thus, led to many insecurities being built up. while not eating, you also exercised quite frequently. and with no nutrients in you, your stomach salvaged itself. soon enough, you were on your road to being a size 2. however, one day you pushed yourself really hard. the girls in class A were talking about your rolls when you sit down. just the thought of that morning made you run faster. until you started to get light headed and pass out.

as you woke up, you were on a bench with a really attractive man at the end of it. you realized that your legs were on top of his lap. quickly, you sat upright, only to feel dizzy again.

“here take this,” the handsome man offered water.

you downed the whole thing, with water dripping out of your mouth. you then took your sleeve and wiped your mouth. for a good five seconds you were calm... until you realized how unladylike you were being. you looked over at the man and he was laughing. like, full on laughing.

“what’s so funny?”

“n-nothing it’s j-just the girls around here do the opposite of what you just did,” he barely spoke, not being able to contain his laughter.

“fine then i guess it’s time to tell you that i’m a dude”

the mans face went straight.

“god, i’m obviously kidding... what’s your name?”

“bokuto, yours?”

“y/n”

you both shook hands.

“now tell me y/n, as an athlete i know the main reasons of someone passing out like that.”

“are you anemic?” he asked.

you shook your head. then his face softened. oh, maybe he is smart.

out of nowhere, you started to tear up.

“are you okay?”

why do people ask that? when they ask that i cry even more.

he was a stranger, so you might aswell vent to him.

“it’s just been so hard keeping up with this body. you know how many times i just wanted to eat? like a fuck ton of food? but i literally couldn’t. i was hungry, yet when i looked at a fry it reminded me of my bullies. it fucking sucks.” you finally sobbed out. you were holding it in for so long, if felt kind of free to let it out. you looked over at bokuto, and he just listened intently. like he actually cared about your well-being.

“if i may, could i help you with that?” he got up the bench and lent out a hand.

and the rest was history. so when you heard those words out of bokuto’s mouth you instantly cried even more.

“obviously i’m not fucking starving myself.” you sharply stated.

“yeah no trust me y/n it’s pretty obvious that you’re not.”

the room was silent. did he just imply that i was fat?

“wait y/n-”

“have fun sleeping on the fucking couch” you slammed your shared bedroom door.

while it was closed, you immediately took off all your clothing. as you were just in your underwear, you grabbed your stomach. the fact that you could grab a handful of it, made you insecure again. like you were in high school. after a minute, you physically couldn’t look at yourself anymore. once your head hit the pillow you drifted off to sleep. having sleep for dinner feels oddly familiar.

when you slammed your door, bokuto had guilt written all over his face. he didn’t even understand why he said that. was he uncomfortable of how good his life was? and if that was the case, why did he have to jeopardize it this way? he finally realized that the life he had yesterday ago was pure happiness. he respected your wishes into sleeping on the couch that night. but, the next day he was going to make it all up to you.

as the sun just started to shine, he woke purposefully woke up early. hitting the farmers market to buy new ingredients for breakfast. his thoughts consisted of “y/n will like this” and “y/n loves these.” then, when he got home, he started cooking. whilst flipping the pancakes, he made sure to add extra love to it. he stacked the cakes with fresh berries on top, and a dazzle of “syrup goodness,” he likes to say.

as he knocks on the door and turns the knob, you weren’t there. his heart immediately dropped. he put down your breakfast on the dresser and his knees fell. crying for you. praying that you would come back.

his loud sniffles bothered you while you were shitting.

you yelled from the connected bathroom of your master, “BABE WHY ARE YOU CRYING”

silence.

you hear loud pattering running up to the bathroom and the door slammed open.

he quickly ran over to you and wrapped his arms around your head, “Y/N, MY DEAR Y/N, YOU’RE STILL HERE! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED I AM SO SORRY THAT I SAID THAT I DIDNT MEAN IT, EVEN IF YOU WERE TO GET BIG THERE’D BE MORE TO LOVE AND YOU’D BE SQUIS-”

“okay that’s enough i get it.” you frowned.

“bo, this would be more romantic... if i currently wasn’t taking a shit, could you let go of me?”

“no.” he said, with the same face used when you guys met and told him you were a dude.

after you finished your business, you hopped in the shower, and so did he. never in your life have you seen someone so excited to shampoo your hair. while the conditioner soaked, you turned around facing him.

“so, i’m really okay the way i am?” you faintly whispered.

he shut you up with a passionate kiss. clearly annoyed that you would say that. first it was on your lips, slowly down your nape, then to your stomach.

you blushed at the fact that he skipped your boobs. or so you thought. out of nowhere he grips your right one with force and says “hey if i feed you enough, could i possibly make these bigger?” he smirked.

you rolled your eyes and got out. you could hear bokuto solemnly whining in the background. you truly loved this man. with all your heart.

[alicemitch09writes]

lame

02.

everything has changed (whether we like it or not)

When did everything change?

That was an easy question to answer, really. But there was more to it.

Everything could go back to the time Bakugouu first discovered his quirk in kindergarten, he had just turned 5, during playtime, he playfully shoved you before you felt force, heat – an explosion, before faceplanting to the ground.

Little Izuku ran towards you, helping you off your feet. Meeting the panicked look in your best friend’s eyes, you turned back to the blond, staring at his palms in awe, at the little explosions emitting off his sweat.

Funny enough, whenever he sweats, it was always sweet-smelling, never foul or salty.

“Uwah, amazing quirk, Katsuk!” your teacher said, kneeling down to give your best friend an appraising look.

Carmine eyes looked up from his palm, tiny explosives going off excitedly.

“Cool! His quirk’s so cool!”

“It’s so radical, just like him!”

Beside you, Izuku’s eyes sparkled with excitement, happy for your best friend for finally manifesting his own quirk.

“Kacchan’s amazing!”

Discovering your quirk at such a young age, especially with an amazing quirk, should be exciting. However, the look in Katsuki’s carmine eyes was scaring you.

The more he was praised for his quirk, the more his explosions went off, the more the gleam in his eyes was scaring you.

Who is…? What is this?

“Ah, I see. I’m just awesome, and everyone else isn’t!”

Later that day, a small burnt mark was found at the back of your neck. A tell-tale reminder of what’s to come.

And then, Izuku found out that he was quirkless.

It was supposed to be a secret between the three of you, but somehow, everyone caught wind of it and began avoiding Izuku, lest they get caught with his ‘quirkless’ germs. Because you were with him a lot, not showing signs of quirk, kids easily assumed that the quirkless germs were true.

Was that when things changed?

After kindergarten, Katsuki found himself a new set of friends, those who weren’t quirkless like you and Izuku, friends who had cool quirks that could considerably pass up to his.

Since discovering his quirk, not only did it fuel his ego, but it also put a strain on your once impenetrable and inseparable friendship.

Now, he was more bent on being the best of the best, together with his amazing quirk that’ll surely bring him there no problem.

Everyone else were just beneath him, not worth his time, effort, or breath. Especially Deku – how you detested that nickname, so full of malice, disgust, and mockery – everything Izuku didn’t deserve, especially from his once best friend.

Since then, he’s deserted the two of you.

You didn’t care, you had Izuku.

Fuck Bakugou and his new quirk, ambition, and shittiness.

You didn’t need him anyway.

From: Izuku

To: (Name)

(Nickname)! I’m doing well. Just having lunch with my classmates right now!

[image.txt]

Tapping the photo, you could see Izuku smiling at the camera with a few friends in the shot – the brown-haired girl, Uraraka Ochako, the bespectacled boy, Iida Tenya, and the quiet boy, too busy eating his soba, Todoroki Shouto. It made you smile in return, having your own lunch as of texting. 

To: Izuku

From: (Name)

You better eat up, then. You hear me?

Also, stop being so reckless and take care, okay?

Right after the events at UA – the whole League of Villains intercepting the school, Izuku was, more than ever, always brought to the clinic. And you, being one of his immediate contacts (next to his mom), would rush over just to check on him, fighting a tooth and nail just to be with him. And time and time again, Izuku would give you an apologetic smile, matched with his unyielding assuring words, kind eyes, and warm hug.

The only thing you ever hated about Izuku is his recklessness, wrought by his strong sense of justice.

Having enough of everything he’s been through, it was only fair that he revealed something to you, something to explain a bit of him getting accepted at one of the most prestigious schools in Japan while bearing an almost enduring and testy quirk, a secret he knew he could only entrust to you because you were one of the few people Izuku trusted more than anything in the world – his quirk was not his, but it was passed down to him by All Might.

The revelation was shocking to you, especially because it was tied along with so many other factors you couldn’t begin to fathom. But with enough explanation, eventually, everything seemed to tie together and make better sense.

Although worried about his well-being, once again, Izuku was quick to assure you that he was working his best to make everyone – not just his idol, All Might – proud and safe. That was more than enough for you.

Still, it was such a big secret to bear. But, obviously, he trusted you, because you were his best friend.

Well, you and that other guy, for some reason.

"(Name)-san, you're going to snap that broom in half!" your co-worker called out.

Loosening your hold, you inspected the wood, glad to see that it was still intact. It was still three minutes past four, you realize, just a few minutes before dusk.

Sighing, you turned to your co-worker with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Otoha, just got something on my mind."

Izuku did tell Bakugouu his secret in a roundabout way, the blond would at least catch on to that, being a smart asshole. You just couldn’t wrap your head at the idea of having to entrust him Izuku’s big secret.

The younger girl tilts her head to the side, in thought, as she stares at you. "Are you sure? You seem to be out of it since this morning."

"Yeah, I am. Promise."

Right after revealing his secret, Izuku had planned to have you and the famed Symbol of Peace meet – to assure both parties. But you declined, knowing how busy hero work was.

(Also, to be in his presence would be something. You couldn’t deal with that. Izuku going a mile about how amazing he was made up for it.)

However, with the newfound information given to you, it was almost too much to bear. It was amazing to hear how Izuku was adjusting to his new life, working his hardest, granted that he earned it all. Guilt gnawed your insides, realizing that you were doing him a disservice at the same time, as you had your own secret you weren't telling your best friend.

Exhaling through your nose, you walked around back, to return the cleaning supplies, missing the group of people entering the cafe, hearing only the cheery greetings from Otoha and your other co-workers.

05:51 pm.

The café was in full bloom, packed with students from various schools filling all the seats. You’d spot some of your regular customers, most don’t stay long whilst stop just drop by for a coffee fix before they’re off.

From the far corner, a small group of students you could only guess were from UA, judging from their uniform, were making quite a ruckus.

Thankfully, there was enough staff that day.

Still, working was taxing!

Off to handle drinks, you kept the newbies by your side, promptly teaching them how to mix orders, which cups to use for which drinks, the amount of syrup, etcetera before they finished up for you and you were left to prepare another order. Like clockwork, they’d be back by your side for another order, and the process would start all over again.

Seeing as how well they were doing, you decided to leave them to make their own drinks as you worked on your own. Coming up to serve at the bar, readying your smile, your expression froze as you were met with the last person you wanted to see.

"The fuck-"

Not letting him finish, you forced the smile on back before practically shoving the drink into his hands, uncaring that it almost spilled over.

“Oi-“

"Enjoy your drinks, sir!"

Otoha, your young, sweet, co-worker, saw the whole thing, flinched at your gesture, warily watching you turn your back to help fix other orders without another bat towards the blond who just stared. Discreetly walking over, to fix her own order, she whispers, "(Name)-san, do you know him-"

"No."

"Are you sure-"

"Yes."

"But-"

"Otoha," turning to her with a pained smile, you reply. "I've never seen him before in my life. Okay?"

Feeling a shiver run down her spine, the younger girl slowly, nervously nodded. "O-Okay..."

…

“Bakugou my man, are you alright?”

“…”

“That girl looked really pissed at you, do you know her?”

"..."

“Is she an ex-girlfriend? Is that why she was so angry?”

"..."

“Yeah! And you’ve been wanting to head to this café for a while now.”

"..."

“I must admit, she’s kinda cute- “

“I will end you, dunce face.”

09:08 pm

Ever since she applied, you had taken Otoha under your wing and she all but admired you after your first meeting. You both lived in the same area, so you’d take it upon yourself to walk her home, not trusting a young teen like her to walk alone, especially when evil abounded. Also, she was quirkless.

That night, you were walking along the quiet streets, hands in your pockets as Otoha hummed under her breath. You stopped, ears picking up on footsteps – two, no three people were trailing after you. Gently taking the girl by the arm, you led her to another route, to a busier area, hoping to lose them.

Otoha was too gung-ho about her surroundings to understand your predicament, which was probably for the best. Still, you could feel them behind you.

Exiting the busy lane, the two of you crossed the street, turned a corner, into an empty square. Just as you walked in, so did they – three guys in godawful flashy clothes.

Scared, the younger girl hid behind you and you took a step forward, shielding her from their lecherous gaze.

“Can we help you?”

One of them laughed, some pansy in ridiculous SUPRA outfit waltzed towards you.

“Oh no, no, no, can we help you, young misses?”

You had to roll your eyes at that.

“Well, let’s see, it’s late at night,” he drawled, flashing gold in his teeth “two girls are out walking out,” his two companions chuckled “dangerous is it not?”

Your expression remained, betraying nothing. The pansy decided to talk some more, probably on some shit about chivalry.

“And well, we gentlemen thought it would be just right to walk you girls home!” And there it was. “It’s dangerous for little girls to be out so late.”

And he was right.

“Otoha,” you whispered, as he continued to babble. “take this alleyway,” to gesture with a quick tilt of your head, something the guys didn’t notice. “go straight then turn to your first left, you’ll be safe then.”

“E-Eh? How about you?”

Smiling, you met her gaze. “I’ll be fine.”

“…So, little girls, what’s it gonna be?”

Crossing your arms, you sighed. “Well, you guys do have a point…”

They smile amongst themselves, rather smugly.

“But” taking Otoha’s hand, you tugged her towards the alleyway, pushing her with all you have onto her shoulders. “I don’t trust fuckers who look like they belong to the world’s worst dance troupe that easily!”

The younger girl took this as her cue, albeit slightly confused, but fuelled by panic to run for it.

Loosening your bag, you allow it fall off your shoulders, before it hit the ground, and just as his goons were about to touch a hide of Otoha’s hair, you were before him, eyes ablaze with a ferocious, eerily calm expression on your face, before kicking him away from the young girl.

The force of the kick sends him rolling on the dirt before he’s out cold. One down, exhaling and you fell into a stance, eyes yellow like the moon above you.

Bracing yourself for the next assault, your ears picked up something clinking – a weapon? Ah, knuckle braces which circle his entire fists. Ah, his quirk.

Beside him, his other companion put on his glasses, his godawful flashy clothes engulfing him like an armored suit.

Always gotta be ballsy.

The lights flicker above you; you didn’t move from your spot nor did you deter from their sneers.

“You’ll wish you came willingly like a good girl!” screamed armored flashy guy. Fists hammered against each other and the two were dashing towards you.

Despite being outnumbered, adrenaline rushed through your veins, reeling with excitement as you messed with them, toying at every chance you got.

Dodging a fist thrown your way, eyes caught on the armored flashy guy you easily swung low, aiming for his legs, playing a dangerous tango against two. Sweeping low, you managed to just barely block the kick thrown your way, using the awkward push back, forcing the weight unto your back before swiftly kicking him back.

Once knocked out, you focused on fists, quick to press your body flat against the ground to dodge a measly kick, before lifting your body ever so slightly to deliver a kick to the back of his head, slamming painfully to the ground. Two down.

The light above burst, glass flying everywhere as the armored flashy guy smugly laughed to himself. “Now look what you did, little girl. It’s night out~ A dangerous time for little girls like you~” putting on his shades, which were actually night vision goggles, he walked towards the unsuspecting girl. “And I have to take good care of good girls like you~”

Without turning, you grabbed the hand that reached for your head.

“Eh?”

You could hear the thump of his heart, the hitch of his breath, his muscles moving – it was satisfying to know how much he underestimated you.

“What was it you said again,” came your voice, smooth and calm. “you’d take care of a little girl like me?”

Clenching your hand in his, you heard a crack, he screamed in pain, falling to his knees with one hand in the air.

Head turning, he flinched at the sight of you – eyes once were (e/c) gleamed a dangerous yellow, maybe not like the moon, but of a creature of the moon, a dangerous smirk playing on your lips.

“You’re right, it is dangerous to be out this late at night.”

Faster than the eye can see, you elbow him in the face, hearing a satisfying crack, before tossing him away from you.

Exhaling, you felt your nerves come to a calm. Yellow eyes took in your surroundings, ensuring that they didn’t have any more accomplices.

Three bodies, down and unconscious. You were good. With the help of your heightened senses, you found that Otoha had just fled to safety and that there was an unwanted presence behind you, smelling like burnt sugar and spicy cinnamon.

“Can I help you,” without looking his way, you turned to grab your bag from the ground “Bakugou Katsuki?”

Having seen the whole thing, he was rendered speechless, voice caught in his throat. “(N-Name)…” was all he managed to say, clearly shocked at the new discovery. "Oi, oi, oi, what the fuck? Y-You…you had a quirk all along?"

Exhaling through your nose, quite angrily, you nodded. "Yes."

Even without looking his way, you could tell his expression had changed – feel his heart thump slowly, hear the hitch in his throat – completely seething that he was lied to, kept in the dark.

You barely flinched when he grabbed you by the shoulder, rather forcingly. "Then why the fuck didn't you-"

"Tell you? Oh please, don't give me that bull that you wanted to know." Pushing him away, you didn't mind the pain in your abdomen, choosing to distance from him. "It was enough knowing that you thought having a quirk made you the king of the world and those who didn't were peasants. In layman's term, it wouldn't change a damn thing."

Carmine eyes remained on you, wide, heated, for once not filled with anger, but of confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." You sighed, tiredly this time, massaging the bridge of your nose.

"No, tell me."

"What good would it do you?"

"I just want to know."

Scoffing, you shook your head, running a hand through your hair. "Your chances were used up; you have no fucking right now."

And with that, you left.

Despite being quirkless, Izuku managed to make up what he lacked with the help of keen observation that was powered by his fascination with quirks. Thus, began his ‘Hero Analysis’ notebooks, in which he’d list down hero after hero, their amazing feats, quirks, abilities, possibilities, theories – basically, a Wikipedia page. In addition, Izuku was stronger than he looked, especially because he had a heart of gold and a strong sense of justice.

You, on the other hand, could care less about quirks. They were something to behold, true, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still human just with an added bonus, that’s it.

For the longest time, you withheld the one secret you could never have the heart to tell your best friend – you had a quirk of your own. It wasn't an impressive quirk, but it wasn't a bad one either.

Your quirk was called ‘The Night One’ - having heightened senses, agility, and strength but only at night. Most of your abilities were likened to those of nocturnal animals. When activated, your eyes would turn golden yellow. As the quirk made you active at night, obviously, and making you a bit of an insomniac, its drawback was that it made you restless during morning time.

The Yoruichi family came from a long line of martial artists, all of which mastered every martial art known to man. Before you were 10, you'd mastered it all.

Your family was more of an anti-hero, which is why they chose to lay low and pretend they were normal quirkless folks. It was easier to hide in plain sight, after all. The family had a reputation in the underground business, especially for stealth and espionage work.

Eraserhead was a family friend, he was basically your uncle growing up. He was also your idol.

Your quirk first appeared when you got your first period, which was normal for a female in your family. Not only was it terrifying experience, but you didn’t really care much for it, especially since you just wanted to live a normal life free from the expectations of society and the weight of it.

The thought of heroes and quirks made you skeptic, to say the least. And it was thanks to a certain blond.

However, your parents were more than understanding with your views – however jaded they were, assuring you that it wasn’t all bad.

“But since you’re doing this for Izuku’s sake, I don’t see why not.” Your father had said, patting your head gently.

“He’s my best friend,” 7-year old you were quick to say, cheeks puffing.

“Yes, yes, we know. We all know who you’re really setting your eyes for.” Your grandfather said teasingly, causing your cheeks to burn, sticking your tongue out to him.

Laughter left your parents’ lips, your grandfather included. Gently, your mother took you in her arms, smiling kindly at you. “But, (Name), what you’re doing is quite noble. You may not like what I’m about to say, but what you’re doing is a mark of a hero – putting others before yourself.”

“Still, we’re going to work you to the bone in the Yoruichi fashion!”

Both your parents turned sullenly to your grandfather, clearly displeased.

“Father, please.”

“You ruined the moment, old man.”

So, when did everything change?

Was it the time Izuku and you were paired more often during class? Katsuki had plenty of friends anyway. He didn’t seem to mind, stating that it was better than being exposed to quirkless germs.

Was it when Izuku and you would still tagalong to play? In the end, Katsuki would leave you in the middle of a game with his new friends.

Or was it the time Katsuki fell off that log?

You could remember it, clear as day, you and bunch of other kids tagged along to play in the forest, Katsuki leading the charge as always, you and Izuku in the last. The lot of you found yourselves with a log that connected the two cliffs together, but Katsuki just walked on, the rest followed. Halfway through, he slipped on the mossy part of the log before falling into the water.

“KATSUKI!/KACCHAN!” both you and Izuku screamed in unison, scurrying down to help him.

While the rest of your friends called out, watching, the two of you were waddling knee-deep into the water towards your best friend.

“Kacchan,” Izuku’s small voice called. “are you okay? Can you stand?”

Yes, you remember it well. The look in his eyes when Izuku offered his hand, offered him refuge and help. You were next to Izuku, unsure of the tense situation at that single moment.

And what did Katsuki do?

He slapped Izuku’s hand away, throwing away everything you three had in the process.

That’s when everything changed.

Friday, you were working the bar, lazily keeping the counter clean, when the door opened.

“Welcome!” you cried, smile in place, it widened when you were met with green curly locks. “Izuku!”

“Hi, (Nickname)! Uwah, so this is where you work, it’s rather cozy-looking!”

Smiling cheekily, you pressed your palms against the counter, watching as he approached. “Well, it is a café.” Noticing he wasn’t alone, you smiled at the company. “And who are these lovely people?”

“A-Ah, how rude of me! Everyone,” he turned to the small group, who had been watching your interaction quietly. “this is my childhood friend, (Name) Yoruichi.”

“Yo!” you gave a two-fingered salute in greeting.

“(Nickname), these are my friends-“

“I kinda know who they are, Izuku.” You teased, cutting him off, making you laugh. “But, by all means.”

“Greetings, I’m Tenya Iida!” the tall bespectacled boy says, waving his hands robotically, almost dangerously.

“Shouto Todoroki.” The dual-haired boy nods at you, eyeing the menu behind you in interest. Idly, you handed him a menu so he can have a clearer view, he mutters his thanks.

“And I’m Ochako Uraraka!” the lone brunette female says, cheerily, grabbing both your hands in hers. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! Deku-kun talks about you a lot!”

“The pleasure is all mine, then. Thanks so much for taking care of my clumsy little broccoli.”

“(N-Nickname)!”

“Any case!” Iida chops a hand in, catching everyone’s attention. “We shouldn’t dilly dally! We must place our orders!”

“No worries,” you wave at him. “it’s pretty quiet this time of the week. But,” fixing your posture, standing a little straight, you put on your work persona. “anything you’d like to order?”

“I’ll have the chai latte,” says Todoroki, having made his decision. “cold, please.”

“Okay,” nodding, you turn to Iida, who orders a hot mocha, Uraraka orders a strawberry Frappuccino with cheesecake on the side. Uraraka turned to Iida and Todoroki, looking checking for available seats whilst waiting for Izuku – you liked them, they were a good bunch.

Turning to the green-haired boy, he was left eyeing the menu rather clinically, taking his time. Poking his forehead, he blinks at you. “Hot Matcha?”

He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know me too well, (Nickname).”

“That I do, Izuku, that I do.”

One thing that never changed though, the one thing you hoped never would, was the friendship you have with Izuku.

masterlist • three

[mangolover]

Creature of The Dark part 2 (Theodorus van Gogh x reader)

Find part one here

Title: Creature of The Dark (part 2)

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire / Ikevamp / Ikevam

Pairing: Theodorus van Gogh x gn! reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: nightmares, not eating properly, mentions of losing job, mentions of being homeless, argument, dark thoughts, mentions of a unhealthy relationship (lack of comunication), depression(?), swearing, mentions of harassment (posibbility of if reader sleeps outside), mentions of alcohol

Spoilers: Theo’s route

Word Count: 2000+

Description: He broke yet another promise and you cut ties with the whole mansion, trying to live on your own in city. Losing your job and getting kicked out, you didn’t know where else to go but to the art gallery.

Part 2: Going to the gallery was a bad idea and you become aware of that after the same mistakes got repeated and sparked an argument. Now you are sitting on a bench in the park, feeling hopeless until a faimilliar figure comes to your aid.

This has some first person perspective, but it’s mostly 2nd perspective.

Dark thoughts are going to be present throughout whole series, so proceed with caution.

Only argument is explored a bit deeper, everything else is pretty much just mentioned, but if anything is triggering to you, please skip this one.

Also, when somthing is writen like this ('example'), it's from the suitor's point of view or their thoughts, not reader's.

I am making this in multiple parts, temptation won this time.

Enjoy!

Nightmare flooded your sleep and woke you up with a start. Your heavy breaths could be clearly heard in the silence of the upstairs room in the art gallery where you were currently resting on a couch. You looked around slowly while trying to calm down your breathing, but the memories and promises returned.

That is until your eyes fell upon the painting that Vincent made of you and Theo all those months ago. Two figures walking towards their bright future. But the more you look at it, the less you can see the second figure, instead realizing it’s just a shadow casted by the sunlight.

‘No. Your mind is playing tricks on you, stop it. This is a painting of a happy time when Theo made a promise. A promise he couldn’t keep.’

“Ah, you’re awake Y/n” quickly turning your head around in the direction of the voice, you saw Theo holding a tray with a mug and a plate. “I assumed you would be hungry so I fetched you some breakfast.”

Pancakes with just enough syrup and coffee, both just like you like it, were placed on a table to your right and you looked down. “Thank you” was all you could mutter out.

“You should eat before it gets cold.”

“I-I should go now but thank you for letting me sleep here. I promise I will repay you” your search for your shoes and jacket in rush to get out was blocked by Theo’s stern voice.

“Eat Hondje. You look like you’ll faint any second now. When was the last time you ate?” his blue gems demanded an answer and yet all you could do was avoid them while picking up the tray and putting it on your lap.

You ate the breakfast in silence while Theo just stared at you from a nearby chair. The silence was something you were used to, after all you were isolated for months. But this one felt heavy, to both of you. It was sad to say the least, you both went through so much together and yet neither could find the words to shout to other, both of you standing on islands with a burnt bridge in between.

‘Should I ask him to stay here? Or how everyone is doing? How’s the work going? Or maybe I should just keep quiet and wait for Theo to speak.’

Theo cleared his throat before speaking, prompting you to finally meet his gaze, “we should, err… talk about some things…” the word ‘talk’ sounded so heavy rolling off his tongue that you had to swallow the sudden lump in your throat.

“I-“ you wanted to apologize. For leaving and making him worry when you didn’t show up for months ‘if he even was worried’. For crashing into his life unexpectedly when you needed something from him. For not even trying to work out the problems that appeared in your relationship. But you couldn’t. The words didn’t want to be spoken by you. Instead, you opted to asking about your leave. “When does the door open again?” your voice was small and quiet, fitting the silence perfectly, yet you didn’t dare glance at vampire in front of you.

“I could ask Comte if you want to know?” his tone became colder, you both know this is not what he meant when he said that you need to talk. But is there anything to really talk about anymore? You just expressed that you wish to leave as soon as possible and never return.

‘Come on Y/n! Get your shit together and talk with him. Stop acting like a stranger!’

You placed down the tray after you emptied the plate and the mug and finally sat down properly, you made up your mind.

You opened your mouth, but Theo cut you off before any sound came out. “Where were you this past, what 4 months? Some residents tried to look for you, even Comte, but no one could find you. You made them worry.” (‘You made me worry when I couldn’t find you…’)

“I found a job at a café and a small place to stay on the outskirts of town. I’m not surprised you couldn’t find me; I never saw any of you guys while being out in the town either.” The conversation was running along far more smoothly than either of you feared it would. There was even a small smile on your face as you remembered your independent days. However, the bliss was cut short by Theo’s next question.

“Why are you here?” the words were not coated in venom like some may believe nor were they spat out. They were filled with confusion and you found yourself staring at the wooden floor once again, ‘how pathetic, huh?’

After a pause filled with unbearable silence, you decided to just come out clean. ‘I have nothing left to lose anymore, do I?’ You took a deep breath, “I lost my job two days ago and got evicted yesterday. I didn’t know where else to go, you were my one and last option. I’m sorry if I caused any inconvenience, I’ll see myself out of your life as soon as possible.”

“Hondje, you” he let out a sigh and reached out his hand, before quickly pulling it back, “you didn’t cause my any inconvenience. If anything, we are finally talking.”

“That’s something we were never good at” you let out a humorless laugh and shook your head a bit.

Theo suppressed a laugh with a smile, “yeah, I guess that was our biggest problem.”

And like that silence fell over you two again, soon fading from a comfortable one like an embrace of a mother, to a cold one like a winter breeze that was blowing outside.

“Why?” your question broke the silence and took both you and Theo by surprise. ‘What are you saying?’ But as you looked Theo in the eyes, you felt tears well up in yours, your lower lip trembling. “Why did you have to break my trust Theo? Why did you never rely on me? Why was I always just your useless shadow!?” your voice became increasingly louder with every question, every word painted in all the colors of confusion and hurt. Maybe you hoped Theo would feel guilty, and maybe he did, but he was always so damn good at hiding his emotions, always wearing a blank canvas as an expression.

“Why did you never trust me?” this time you looked at him with wide eyes as he slowly got up, his voice raising in volume. “Why did you always suspect me for anything and everything when you haven’t even asked me what’s wrong? Why did you expect of me to turn a whole new page when you knew damn well Hondje that I needed some time, but that I am trying?!” He was yelling at you now and before you knew it, you stood up as well, getting in his face and raising your voice to match his.

“Oh, were you trying? Because to me it never seemed like that Theodorus! You always neglected me for your work, and when I would ask you, you just brushed me off!” The raw emotion in your voice caused Theo to suck in a sharp breath. For the first time, he may finally see just what he did to you. “You promised! You promised me you wouldn’t do things on your own anymore! You promised Theo! I was with you through everything and you never had one ounce of trust in me!”

You were screaming at him now and his expression hardened, tears drowning your vision. The argument would continue if the familiar blonde man didn’t rush up the stairs and called out to his brother.

“Theo!” his voice was raised just slightly so he could snap you both out of your trance and you finally saw the angel of the mansion, after so long. Vincent van Gogh was standing in front of you, a panicked and worried look on his face, he seemed almost uncomfortable and you couldn’t blame him. “I heard you two screaming downstairs so I wanted to make sure everything is alright.”

He didn’t even acknowledge you, for better or for worse. Guilt washed over you when you realized what you and Theo just did. You didn’t talk once again. You repeated your mistakes. You communicated poorly and got defensive over everything, throwing it all away instead of working it out.

“Sorry boer. My temper got out of hand.”

“Sorry Vincent” you apologized, but before any of them had a chance to say anything, you quickly snatched your belongings before excusing yourself. “Thank you both for letting me stay here once again, I’m sorry for causing you trouble. Goodbye!” Vincent called out after you, but you bolted down the stairs and out of the gallery. You couldn’t stand being there anymore. Memories were like fresh wounds and your lungs were burning from the familiar scent.

Blending into the crowd, you started walking aimlessly. ‘You are out options. And out of money. If it weren’t for Theo, you would’ve starved and froze to death. But maybe that would’ve been a good thing. You wouldn’t be forced to relive all those painful memories you longed to forget. I wouldn’t be forced to struggle for one more day.’

Maybe your old friends really did look for you. And maybe they now know you are alright. But can you really expect them to welcome you back again? Even if it is for a really short period of time?

‘Hopeless. You were feeling hopeless. You are hopeless.’

But can you do anything about it? ‘No. No I can’t.’

Tears started sliding down your cheeks again and you welcomed them this time. They were with you always these past few days when you hit even lower point in your life. If you had some money, you could’ve at least drowned your monsters in a drink. But that wasn’t an option either anymore.

Dejected, you sat at a bench in a nearby park and pulled your jacket closer around your form. This bench will have to do for tonight. You look too miserable to go and look for a job. And all you want to do is just lay down and sleep forever. But you can’t even do that. You need to wait for night to fall so people wouldn’t stare and even harass you. 19th century France was no easy place to live, you’ve been warned about that when you first came here.

You put your head in your hands as you let out a long sigh and replayed that bitter scene in your head. ‘Did I really never show trust in Theo? Have I really been the problem from the start but actively chose to ignore it?’

Starting to replay all the time spent with Theo, you did ask a lot of him. But you were there with him for every step of the way he let you. He’s a secretive person and he always cared for your safety. Even now. But he did mess up. ‘Both of us did…’

He pushed you away and kept you at arm’s length probably to keep you safe from the threats of L’Académie. But in the process, he hurt you. He tried so hard for you to be worthy of you. This was all just a bad misunderstanding. But until you both learn how to talk; everything will only lead to misunderstandings.

You sighed as you wiped the tears from your face with the back of your hands, looking up, you saw sun starting to slowly set. It was truly a beautiful sight and you wish you were gifted by God to be able to paint just like Vincent so you could enjoy the scenery forever. Crossing your arms over your chest, you mentally prepared for what’s coming while sleeping outside, until you heard someone clear his throat next to you.

Turning your head around in surprise, your fight or flight response kicking in before you saw a familiar figure with a small, warm smile on his lips.

[willowbird]

prompt: aaron had a slight ED that he developed as a kid and is now being noticeable to the rest of the foxes even andrew and nicky kinda knew he forgot to eat but the stress from school and exy makes it worse....

I could easily expand on this and maybe one day I will. It hits kinda close to home tho so I’m going to err on the side of brevity just for my own mental space. Thank you so much for the ask! I hope this is what you’re looking for ❤️ ❤️ Take care of yourselves!

Warnings for depression, eating disorder. 

Edit: this has been expanded and can also be found on my ao3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Ao3

-----

Wednesday | 6:04am

The alarm was screaming. 

Its cries crashed against his senses like sea-storm waves and Aaron was without shelter. The sound had been crowding him for four minutes now, and he still couldn't lift a hand to make it stop -- even though he was perfectly aware and wide awake. He wanted to stop the sound, he needed the quiet back, but for whatever reason his hand just wouldn't listen to his brain no matter how many times he willed it to move. 

Aaron hated days like this.

Wednesday | 8:43am

Nicky slung his arm around Aaron’s shoulders, a grin plastered on his face. His hair was slicked back like a low-budget greaser, halfway between wet and just damp. They’d just finished morning practice and he, Nicky, and Kevin were waiting out in the player’s lobby for Neil and Andrew to finish showering and changing so they could leave.

“Aw man, I am hungry. Please tell me that Andrew and Neil are gonna finish up soon so that we can go get a real breakfast.” Nicky's whining was easy enough to ignore most of the time, but today Aaron was tired and his patience was thin. He had three tests to study for, two essays to write, they had a game coming up on Friday, and Aaron didn't have the bandwidth for Nicky, too.

He shruged his cousin off with a snort. "I'm just gonna hitch a ride to the library." There were still a few hours before his first class of the day, and he needed to use that time for something productive.

"Aww, c'mon Aaron come to breakfast with us! We'll drop you at the library when we're done. It won't take too long!"

"What won't take too long?" When Aaron looked over, he saw Neil and Andrew coming out of the locker room, clean and changed.

"Breakfast!" Nicky announced. "Neil, tell Aaron to join us! It's a family breakfast -- he should be there!"

"You can't just label things "family" events as a way to require people to be there," Kevin said with a long-suffering sigh. Even so, Aaron noticed he already had the menu of their usual breakfast joint pulled up on his phone. The pictures of pancakes topped with glistening syrup and fluffy omelets made his stomach clench in an unpleasant way.

Aaron looked away.

"I've got a shit to do," he said. That would be his final word on it, and to demonstrate, Aaron turned to head toward the doors.

Except Andrew had moved to block him, though Aaron hadn't registered when his twin had circled them. Aaron frowned, lifting his chin in challenge.

Andrew just studied him for a long moment before looking just past Aaron, gaze darting over his shoulder to the others behind him. He lifted a hand and a second later a slim object snapped into it. When Andrew then held it out to him, Aaron saw it was a granola bar.

A quick glance over his shoulder exposed the granola bar thrower as Kevin, who was zipping his backpack shut. They matched gazes briefly and Kevin nodded toward the granola bar in Andrew's hand.

"If you aren't going to come to breakfast with us make sure you get something on your way to the library."

Aaron glared at him, then rolled his eyes and turned back to his brother. Andrew just looked at him, expression blank, and continued to hold out the damn granola bar like he could stand there all day without a care in the world.

A flash of resentment boiled through him. Of course Andrew could stand there so fucking unbothered. Barely anything affected him at all.

With an annoyed huff, Aaron snatched the bar out of Andrew's hand and shoved it into his pocket before stalking out of the building.

Wednesday | 1:15pm

Katelyn ❤️ (13:15): Hey baby! Prof Dixon bailed again ~ you free?

Aa. Min. (13:15): McCallister's?

Katelyn ❤️ (13:16): See u in 5! 😘

Wednesday | 1:23pm

Aaron stood inside the confused cacophony that was McCallister's, an on-campus restaurant that was the love child of a deli and a pub but four times too big, regretting his choices.

It wasn't even the noise that was bothering him the most. It was the smell.

Aaron took two steps into the restaurant and his stomach roiled. It twisted and tightened, curling in on itself in disgust at the sharp, slimy stench of cold cut deli meat cushioned on a waft of double-baked potatoes that filled the restaurant like wildfire's haze. He and Katelyn met here for lunch two or three times a week when their schedules lined up. They both liked the food and they had several corner booths where they could hide in and study together after eating. It was one of their favorite places. But right now, Aaron was fighting not to gag. 

“Aaron!” Relief warred with dread at the sound of Katelyn’s voice and he hastily plastered on an imitation of the smile he usually didn’t even have to think about, that always rose to his lips whenever she was around all on its own. It didn’t today, but for Katelyn he could make the effort. For Katelyn, Aaron could do anything. 

He turned around once that smile was fixed in place and wrapped his arms around her when she joined him, indulging in a quick kiss that soothed some of the nausea churning in his gut. When they broke apart, Aaron turned to lead them toward their usual booth but Katelyn stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Babe is everything alright?” Worry painted a crease between her eyebrows, her mouth drawn down as she studied him. 

Most days, Katelyn’s concern warmed him. It made him feel seen and loved and cherished. Today it put a slash of anxiety through his lungs, breath seeping out through the cut and concaving his chest under the weight of her scrutiny. 

Aaron arranged his smile into something tired and unalarmed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a long week, y’know?”

Katelyn hummed like she wasn’t sure she believed him but was deciding to trust him anyway, then she smiled and she released his arm only to take his hand, giving it a small squeeze. “Alright, then let’s get some lunch and shut out the rest of the world for at least a little bit, yeah?”

The smell of the restaurant was still choking him and even his skin felt tight. The absolute last thing he wanted to do right now was stay there another second, let alone the hour he had until he needed to think about heading to his next class.

“I’m so sorry Kate, I’ve got to meet with the TA for my history class. I remembered right after I texted you but I still wanted to see you so I figured I’d just tell you when you got here.” He offered an apologetic smile and did his best to ignore the way guilt was now mixing uncomfortably well with the sick already sloshing around in his stomach. Aaron did not like lying to Katelyn, it felt wrong. But he also couldn’t... he couldn’t explain what was wrong with him right now -- not because he didn’t know, but because he was sure explaining it was going to make him sound crazy and that was just the last thing he needed right now. It was better to slip away, go somewhere he could focus on homework or something and just... wait for it to pass.

Katelyn’s expression fell, flashing disappointment, then a sad understanding as she nodded. “Of course. It’s okay babe, really. I’m just glad I got to see you at all.” She smiled then -- that bright, warm, just-for-him smile that always had Aaron’s heart skipping. A small knot of tension loosened in his lower chest, just enough that he was able to take a small breath and offer a more genuine smile of his own in return. 

“I love you,” he told her. 

“I love you too, Aaron. Take care of yourself and I’ll see you later, okay?”

He made no promises before he made his escape, just a smile and a wave.

Wednesday | 3:37pm

The granola bar tasted like ash in his mouth. It felt like there were iron weights attached to his jaw, making it impossible for him to chew. A fist of repulsion locked around his throat, and it was a physical struggle to swallow. 

This was the worst part about days like this.

Aaron knew he had to eat something, because he knew what could happen if he didn’t and the only thing worse than having to put up with feeling this way, dragging himself through the mud of his own psychosis one step, one mile, at a time -- was doing it with everyone watching him struggle. 

So he forced himself through half the granola bar. He knew better than to push for more than that, or all his efforts would be wasted into the nearest trash can.

Wednesday | 7:51pm

Practice had been brutal. It had been so bad that even Nicky hadn’t been able to cheer himself through it and was just as bitter and on edge as the rest of them by the time they hit the showers. 

Aaron sat in the lobby and waited for the others, feeling old. He felt tired. He just wanted these stupid pissing contests to stop and everyone to shut up. He wanted the world to be completely silent, completely empty. Emptiness sounded nice. Sounded peaceful. Sounded right.

The sharp scuff of shoe-rubber against tile had him cringing so hard his shoulders ached and he peeled his eyes open to glare at the source. Andrew stood there, hands in his pockets, blank-faced and too knowing.

Aaron snorted and looked away. 

The couch shifted slightly as Andrew took the spot next to him. There was the soft shk of a blade cutting into something crisp and when Aaron looked over, Andrew was holding out a small sliver of apple. His brother wasn’t looking at him. Instead, the other Minyard was dispassionately staring at the tv, which was playing some sports channel that Aaron knew very well Andrew didn’t give a single shit about. 

For a long moment Aaron just stared at the side of his twin’s face, but it was impossible to know what, if anything, he was thinking about. Finally, he looked at the sliver of apple. It was pale, small, unobtrusive. Aaron’s stomach clenched, a mix between hunger and repulsion. All he’d had today was that half a granola bar -- which had been both too much and not enough. His throat tightened as he stared at that innocuous slice of fruit, but he was almost focused more on the hand holding it. His eyes burned and he looked away, but not before taking the slice. 

[rogershoe]

Lights, Camera, Action

Part four

(Part three)

Masterlist

Summary: You’re a production assistant on the set of Cursed. The night before your first day at work, you opened your laptop to shockingly realise you’d be working with Daniel Sharman (and a plethora of other amazing actors), someone you’d been watching on screen since you were a teenager. You kept your expectations low, the PAs rarely got to interact with the talent…what was your chance?

Word count: 3.8k

Tag list: @sxperncturalimpala67 @mrsaaronkeener @tinygardensoul @disasterday​ @5am-cigarette @lancelotapricot @demoiselle-en-detresse00 @slytherlight @18somethingpsyche @ceruleanmusings@glxctt @cavillxhenry@lovelyapplessss@hereagainsstuff@linkpk88 @aliceperdida@weeping-redemption@magicalsaladnacho @lancelotapricot@ineedyourskulls@fandomarstrash @cheythefangirl @pure-ghost @estrielle @tessxblxckthorn @isaac-lahey-is-bae​ @bubblyanis

Warnings: age gap between reader and Daniel, swearing, slow burn

Notes: This has definitely been the most fun chapter to write out of all four so please let me know how you liked it!! Also I realised that Cursed was actually filmed in England so for the sake of the story we’re just gonna pretend like it was filmed in LA hahaha. 

Sunday, January 13th, 2019

10:31 am

You rubbed your eyes, swiping across your phone’s screen to turn your alarm off. The sun’s light bled through your curtain, giving your room an eery glow. 

It had been almost a week since Huey had informed you that you’d be working with the make-up/costume department as well. You thought you would start on Tuesday of last week (the day after you got the message), but Huey had apparently “forgotten” to inform you that you would actually be starting in a week. On Monday. Meaning tomorrow. 

To say you were a bundle of nerves was an understatement. Naomi had also approached you last week warning you about how you’d be working with the actors a lot more and how you should work on “being completely comfortable” around them. Had she really been that intuitive? Still, you hadn’t had any interaction with them at all since you’d delivered Daniel’s costume to his trailer on Monday. You’d only seen them shoot scenes and talk to the director and other crew members from far off. (Never to the production assistants.) 

You tried to ignore the nerve-wracking thoughts of having to actually interact with the actors and instead focused on Bradley. Yes, Bradley.

 He had invited you to have breakfast with him at the Original Pantry Cafe, a breakfast place he had said was the “very best in LA”. To be completely honest, you were a bit taken aback when he had asked you….did he mean as in a date? You of course, being the idiot that you were, didn’t bother to clarify, so now you had no idea whether you were just meeting him as friends or something more. You hoped to god it was just as friends. You couldn’t deal with dating at this point… especially with Mr. Daniel Sharman on your mind 24/7. 

11:13 am

The sun warmed your face as you stepped out of your parked car. You had just pulled up to the cafe and proceeded to subtly peek through the window as you walked to the door. Bradley was sitting on a small table inside by the window. Thankfully he was on his phone so he didn’t see you staring. You entered the shop, a small bell tingling above you. The warm smell of fresh bread and eggs and syrup wafted towards your nose. For a second, your belly rumbled and you forgot about all your worries. You glanced towards Bradley and saw that he was now walking towards you, a huge smile on his face. An uneasy feeling suddenly grew inside you as you realised he might think that this was some sort of date. 

“Y/N! How are you?” 

You both started walking back to the table after you gave him a hug, “I’m good” you shrugged off your maroon jacket laughing, “Tired too”

“Really? When’d you sleep last night?” he suddenly swerved around you and pulled out your chair.

“Thanks” you said, sitting down, a funny look spread across your face, “I slept around 4:00”

“Seriously?” his eyes widened.

“Yeah…found a good series on Netflix” you rolled your eyes, smiling.

“I still don’t have Netflix” he sat down and pushed a menu towards you that you then proceeded to open.

“Really?” you laughed loudly, “You’re working on a Netflix show and you don’t even have Netflix?”

He smirked slightly, “I guess I’ll get it once Cursed comes out…anyways, what do you wanna get?”

You flipped through the menu, chuckling, “A coffee for sure”

“Well….. the pancakes are really good….. and so are their omelettes” he said pointing towards a mouth watering picture of a stack of chocolate pancakes. Healthy eating could go out the window for today. 

“Oh, I’ll definitely get those..how about you?”

“I’ll go for the bacon cheese omelette I think”

“Sounds yummy” you said and closed your menu

Bradley called the waitress over and you both gave her your orders. He also ordered a lemon raspberry smoothie. There was an awkward silence when she picked your menus up and left. 

You clasped you hands together resting them on the table, “Bradley?” he looked up at you, “I have a silly question to ask ” you smiled slightly, a nervous feeling growing inside you.

“Shoot” he said grinning.

“Was this meant to be a date?….Or-“ before you could continue, he thankfully interrupted, 

“Do you want it to be?”

Your mind went blank. Of course you didn’t want it to be…but judging by his answer he probably did. 

“Well..” you tilted your head, raising your eyebrows slightly

“You don’t do you?”

You shook your head slowly, a sorry expression on your face, “Did you?”

“Doesn’t really matter now, does it?” he said tightening his lips.

Before you could respond, the waitress suddenly came up to your table carrying two plates of mouth watering food. 

“One order of chocolate pancakes” she placed your dish in front of you, “and one bacon cheese omelette…..Enjoy!”

“Thank you!” you and Bradley both said simultaneously.

You grabbed your utensils, spooning a large bite into your mouth. You couldn’t deny that they were delicious..maybe this was the best breakfast place in LA.

“How is it?” Bradley laughed, cutting up his own omelette in from of you. You chewed quickly and swallowed. 

“Delicious Bradley…how about yours?”

He had taken a bite, “Just as good as it was the last twenty times I had it”

You giggled, going back to your own food. The next half an hour was thankfully not awkward at all. Both of you talked about Cursed, the actors, what jobs you had had before….and of course, your little, “promotion”. 

“I’m nervous……how much do you even have to talk with the actors on a day to day basis?” you asked

“Oh barely for me” he said finishing off his omelette, “I mostly work with the basecamp and costume department’s crew…when I accompany the actors to their set it’s usually a silent walk unless they feel like making conversation…which is rarely”

“So you’re saying I won’t have to talk to them as much either?”

“No Y/N you definitely will” he laughed at your widened eyes, “You’re essentially going to be helping the departments get the actors ready for the day…you might not have too much one on one conversation but you will be spending loads of time with them”

“You know that scares the shit out of me” you said scraping the remaining chocolate sauce off of your plate, 

“Aw don’t be….they’re only humans like us after all”

You supposed they were.

12:22 pm 

The second you got home and into your apartment, you shed your jacket, pulled out your phone, opened your contacts and called Talia. You two had met in university and been inseparable ever since. There was no friend you were closer to than her. 

She picked up on the second ring.

“Y/N!! It was meant to be a date right? I knew he was into you!”

You chuckled putting your keys on the table and falling onto your couch. “Slow down Tal…he didn’t say that”

“Well then what did he say?”

“He asked me if I wanted it to be a date”

You could practically hear her eyes roll back into her head, “You idiot…! If it wasn’t meant to be a date, he would’ve been straight up with you and just said so”

“Are you sure?”

“Obviously! Even if it wasn’t meant to be a formal date, he’s definitely into you”

‘What am I supposed to do now?” you huffed

“Is that a serious question?”

“…….Yeah” you said after a pause, guilt lacing your words.

“You go out with him again!” you rubbed your eyes and groaned after hearing her say that. 

She ignored you, “Then hopefully he’ll forgive you for being so clueless and in three or four years I’ll be an aunt to three little kids” she said laughing

You laughed too, “Talia! I’m being completely serious…..I only see him as a friend anyways”

“Why Y/N? If you saw a guy this cute, with a great personality I might add, two weeks ago, you would’ve been head over heels for him”

“That’s not true!”

“You know it is Y/N…..what changed?”

“I don’t know……I guess it might be my little crush on Daniel”

“Daniel?….You’re really going to let a tiny celebrity crush hold you back from true love?”

“I know it sounds bad Talia! And in the past I wouldn’t have…but now that I’m working with him things are….. different”

“Have you even talked to him?”

You paused thinking, “Yeah I have”

“And was that more or less than five words?”

“Less” you said scowling..”But it still counts!”

“Ugh Y/N, fine…If you see Bradley as just friends that’s okay….but don’t let Daniel cloud your real feelings for other guys okay? It’s not healthy to stay loyal to a guy who doesn’t even know your name”

“Okay Talia…thanks…I won’t” you said. She always did give the best advice.

Monday, January 14th, 2019

6:48 am

“Y/N! You excited to work on basecamp?” 

You turned to see Louis standing behind you in the studio next to the crafts (snacks) table.

“More nervous than excited” you said laughing.

“Well Huey wanted me to tell you that the timings have been changed and you’ll be helping the basecamp from 7 to 9 not from 8 to 10”

You checked you watch and your eyes widened, “ But that’s in ten minutes!”

“I know Y/N….you know how Huey is with his last minute changes” he said comfortingly

“Oh I know alright” you said sighing, “I guess I should get going…wish me luck”

He gave you a warm smile, “You’re gonna do great…you’ll have Pandora to keep you company anyways”

You faked a smile….Pandora was better than nothing you supposed.

You walked out of the building, cold damp air hit your face as you let the heavy door close behind you. There was not a hint of blue in the sky, just grey clouds. It had been raining when you had gotten to work and by the looks of it, it was going to rain again later. The ground was wet and you had to walk around dark puddles to prevent your shoes from getting wet.

You went up to the same trailers Bradley had taken you to yesterday. You didn’t know anyone except Siara….thankfully you saw her through the open door of one of the trailers. 

“Hey Y/N!” she said as you walked through the door, wiping your feet on the mat inside the vehicle. 

“Hi Siara…..do I just help you out or is there someone else I’m answerable to now?” you said smiling and tucking your hands into you back pockets. 

“I was told that Huey or Naomi would guide you and Pandora” she responded, going through a rack of dirty looking costumes

As if on cue, a voice sounded through your headset, “Pandora and Y/N, please report to trailer nine”

You tapped on your earphone indicating to Siara that they had just told you and walked out of the trailer.

“Good luck!” you heard her yell.

“Thanks!!”

When you got to trailer nine, you walked inside to find it was huge, almost double or even triple the size of what Daniel’s had been. It had long mirrors on both sides of the van and six white chairs on each side instead of three. There were almost 9 people in the trailer (which you would think would be a lot but in the huge vehicle it seemed like barely any). You looked around and saw Naomi and Pandora standing together in a corner opposite from the trailer’s door. You went up to them.

“Y/N!, how’ve you been?” Pandora said, a huge smile stretching itself across her face. Why was she being so nice to you all of a sudden?

“Good, how about you?”

“Ladies! We don’t have time for chit chat. The talent and extras will be here any second and you need to be ready”

You nodded crossing your arms over your chest. “I told all this to Pandora but I’ll repeat myself”

 She turned towards her,  “Pandora, you will be helping out mainly with the extras since they have such extensive make-up and costumes…you might help with the talent if they need it too depending on the day” 

Then she turned to you, “Y/N, you on the other hand will also be helping out with the readying of the extras and-“ she checked her watch and you could almost see the tension paint itself across her face. “And you’ll be giving a hand to Daniel Sharman’s make-up crew…since two of them resigned”

For a second you didn’t hear what she said and your mind fixated on just Daniel’s name. You nodded subconsciously, swallowing hard. A rush of adrenaline and nerves hit you when you processed that you’d be working with his make-up crew. You honestly still didn’t know what that meant but you were both nervous and insanely excited to find out. Naomi then without another word rushed down the stairs of the trailer and out into the gloomy weather. 

Did this mean you’d get to talk to Daniel? Would he actually notice you now? Or would you just be another part of the huge make up crew? Before you could bombard your poor mind with more intriguing questions, you froze in your spot when you saw the door to the trailer open. Multiple people walked through…extras. 

You let go of the breath you didn’t know you were holding and looked towards Pandora to see her also watching the extras. A realisation suddenly dawned on you that she was probably being nice to you because she knew beforehand that you were working with the Daniel. You honestly didn’t mind…it was better than when she was in a pissed off mood. 

“I guess we should start helping out?” you said looking at Pandora

She nodded going over to the chairs where the extras were getting seated, the make up crew bustling around them. There were even more of them now, they must have trickled in when you were speaking with Naomi. You saw Jasmine and the blonde make-up artist enter through the trailer…Daniel’s makeup artist. You suddenly gasped, only realising after you did so. 

Pandora looked at you with a funny expression, “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing…sorry” you said shaking your head and walking over to her. Your back faced the trailer door. 

A man, most likely a makeup artist from the looks of it (he had a belt around his waist with multiple makeup brushes and other tools), came up to the both of you. 

“Are you the extra help?”

“Yes” Pandora said

‘Great..” he looked around the trailer, “You guys won’t be doing anything crazy…just acting as assistants essentially to anyone who needs it” You saw his eyes widen as he looked over your shoulder most likely at the trailer door. You didn’t want to seem rude but you couldn’t help yourself as you turned around to find Daniel walking through the door of the trailer. He didn’t have his keys or anything for that matter on him so he must have left them in his personal trailer. His hair wasn’t tied up in a bun today and looked wet…it must’ve started raining outside. 

“Sorry I’m late!” your heart stopped for a second when you thought that he was talking to you, but he was actually looking over your shoulder at the crew member you and Pandora had been talking to. 

He quickly rushed past you and to Daniel, “Oh no no Daniel, you’re just on time!”

He smiled and walked past him to a chair where Jasmine and that other woman were setting up their supplies. You really had to learn her name. You knew you should go to them seeing as you were supposed to help but you were frozen in your spot, you heart beat thudding through your ears. 

“Y/N! You’re helping us today right?” you tore your eyes from Daniel and to Jasmine who was calling out to you from her place next to him. How she knew your name you had no idea…Naomi must’ve told her. 

You opened your mouth to talk but realised that it was better to just go over and see what they need help with. Your mouth tended to go dry when you were extremely nervous (or even excited). 

You walked over to the three of them. Daniel saw you through the mirror and maybe it was just you but you could’ve sworn there was a hint of recognition in his eyes. The second you caught his blue eyes you looked away and at Jasmine. 

‘What can I help with?”

She bent down and pulled out a white cape looking sheet from a shelf and put it on the long table. 

“It’s similar to a hair salon really” she opened a drawer and got multiple long clips out, then proceeding to go stand behind Daniel, “I’ll teach you the little tasks you’ll have to do so don’t worry…the basics are the same for the extras’ makeup as well”

You kept looking at Jasmine not wanting to be caught staring or even looking at Daniel through the mirror. She took a brush and brushed his hair back, using the different coloured clips to clip it out of his face, most likely to get him ready for the makeup. You had never been this close to any of the actors you knew and loved. It felt a bit like a dream really. Maybe it even was. 

You were snapped back to reality when you heard Daniel’s voice. “I know…aren’t we all” he said laughing. 

He must have been responding to something Jasmine or the other woman said, you wished you had been listening. 

“If you pick up things quickly you can be doing all this and I can focus more on the makeup” you heard Jasmine say. She had picked up the white sheet and was now putting it around Daniel’s neck, making sure it was covering his clothes. 

You nodded smiling and suddenly felt his eyes on you. You took a sudden risk and looked in the mirror right at him. His eyes were darting across the trailer now, thankfully not looking at you anymore. You crossed you arms over your chest, an act of subconscious self defence at how self conscious you were feeling at this moment. 

“Can you pass me the makeup wipes?” you heard Jasmine say. She was pointing at a white box on the counter. You quickly grabbed them and handed them to her. She didn’t take them from you but instead pulled a couple wipes out of it. 

“His makeup is essentially the same everyday” she said. She then proceeded to take the wipe and gently rub it across his face, most likely to make sure there was no oil or residue and so they could have a fresh canvas for the makeup. “The tears are the hardest and longest part to do so you’ll probably be needed most then” 

You felt a bit more comfortable now and spoke, "Do you do those too?”

You glanced in the mirror and saw Daniel grin a bit. Jasmine smiled too shaking her head, “Oh no, I’m still learning. Cassandra does the tears and most of his main makeup. Hopefully by the end of the process I’ll be able to do some of it though”

You smiled feeling like a bit of a fool, of course she was still learning. 

You heard Daniel’s voice and assumed he was talking to Jasmine, “You’re a production assistant right?” 

He wasn’t. 

You looked over at him through the mirror to see him looking directly at you. You nodded, smiling. You wanted to say something but the words just wouldn’t make their way out of your mouth. God,  you probably looked like such a starstruck dumbass. 

Cassandra had seemed to disappear, you looked around the trailer and she was nowhere to be seen. You swallowed and breathed deeply trying to calm the adrenaline still making it’s way through your body. 

“Will I just be watching today?” you asked, curious to know how much actual work you’d do.

“I guess so…Cassandra will let you know when she comes back” she said shrugging. She threw the makeup wipe into the bin and smiled. 

“Daniel probably has some of the best skin I’ve ever worked with” she said laughing, “There’s barely any oil….ever” 

He laughed too, “I doubt that” 

Your eyes suddenly fixated themselves on his smile and you found yourself beaming too. 

You quickly snapped yourself out of whatever day dream world you were living in. 

What in the living hell was wrong with you? He was an actor and suddenly just because you had seen him in real life you were falling for him? You had to get your act together….otherwise it could end up being a real and unnecessary distraction. 

You tore your eyes from him and looked at the door to see Cassandra walk back in. 

“Have you shown Y/N the basics?” she asked walking over to you three.

“Yes ma’am…I believe so” she said smiling.

Cassandra smirked looking skeptical, “Has she Daniel?” she said jokingly.

He nodded, lifting a hand to run it through his hair but dropping it at the last moment when he remembered his head was adorned with clips, “I think she has”.

You smiled feeling a bit nervous…Cassandra was a tad more intimidating than Jasmine. “You have to pick up things fast okay Y/N?” She went up in front of Daniel and grabbed what looked to be translucent powder and a brush, handing it to Jasmine. “We don’t have the time to slow ourselves down for you or Pandora”

You didn’t know what else to say other than, “Okay…of course”. You had no room for error apparently, you just had to get into Cassandra’s good books and you’d be fine. She wasn’t as sweet as she’d been on that day where you were still only a set PA. 

You looked at Daniel and found that he had closed his eyes and Jasmine was dabbing a bit of powder over his T zone…probably to absorb the excess oil that she had proudly told you he didn’t have. 

“Do you do a lot of makeup yourself?” Jasmine asked you

“Not usually but sometimes I guess” you said

“So you know all the different brushes?”

 You thought back to the hours of mindless makeup videos you would spend hours watching at 3:00 am when you couldn’t sleep. 

“Yep, I do actually” you said confidently. Thank god you weren’t completely clueless in this new endeavour.

Part five

[addictofsupernatural]

Emotions (pt. 13)

Billy Hargrove x reader

Summary: Y/n wants Billy and Steve to call a truce, while other people have other plans.

Word Count: 1858

Chapter 1 • Chp. Masterlist • Chapter 12

When you woke up, Billy was gone. Part of you was disappointed, shamefully craving his comforting touch. The other part of you was screaming about how fucking idiotic it was to let him come inside in the first place. You needed to straighten your emotions out and make a decision. You just needed to look at the pros and cons of it.

Getting back together with Billy.

Pros. He would be happy, at least for now. You'd feel less crappy about yourself. You could protect him from his dad. You loved him with all your heart.

Cons. They could still be trying to find you. They could learn about Billy, and hold that against you. He could probably find someone better, prettier, and be happier with that girl.

Fuck, what the hell were you supposed to do? This had as much powerful pros as it did cons. But like Hopper said, you just needed to be on your own for now.

Hopper made ego waffles by the time you got out of bed. He passed you the chocolate syrup while he got out the whipped cream for him and El. He kicked the chair out for you as well, which you took as a sign that he was really trying to help you feel better, in his awkward dad kind of way. It made your chest feel a little lighter. Once you opened the door to your house, you saw Steve almost fall back while he leaned on it, sitting on the ground and waiting for you. He looked tired.

"Y/n!"

You said nothing as he stumbled onto his feet. Hopper gently pushed passed you before roughly shoving Steve out of the way, causing him to knock back down to the ground. "We're not looking to buy any cookies today, sorry. Have a nice day!"

Hopper then grabbed your shoulders and led you to the car. You went inside the car in silence. You saw him come to your window, and you looked down. "Y/n! I'm sorry. Talk to me, please!"

Hopper then stepped on the gas petal and left Steve back there. After leaving the woods, you could see him calm himself. It honestly took everything in Hopper not to smile. Even you could feel his happiness. No more boys.

Once you got to school, you gave him a side hug and said your goodbyes. You only had to get through today and tomorrow, then you were on Spring Break for a week. Once Hopper drove off, you saw Steve's car quickly pull up the driveway.

"Y/n! Please talk to me!" You sucked in a breath. You knew this would eat up at you both, but you still continued walking. You didn't say anything and he ran over to you, panting. "I... I'm sorry. I was... stupid, and..." He was huffing.

"Catch your breath first." You quietly said.

He nodded. "Yeah... okay, thanks." He took a second, then started again. "I was a jackass, and you didn't deserve that last night. I don't even think you're stupid, I just got mad. It just seems like nobody really cares about me, so I just, uh," He sighed and looked down. "I feel like I have to care about everyone else, so maybe people will start caring back."

He rubbed the back of his neck, having just said something he'd been denying to say to himself.

"Okay." You said after what seemed like a whole moment of silence to Steve.

"So, okay?"

You nodded with a straight face. "Okay. I forgive you. And you don't have to worry about me. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll be okay at the end of the day."

The both of you hugged, and you pulled back. All in all, he meant well. Well damn, there goes your being away from them two today. As your hug came to an end, Billy suddenly swooped right in front of you, staring Steve down. "Typical. She's too nice and you know she'll forgive you no matter what you say."

"Did you tell him?" Steve looked at you, and you merely shook your head.

"I was the one who called her, and she yelled at me thinking I was you. I put two and two together. Care to explain why the fuck she was crying about thinking she was stupid?"

Steve fell silent out of guilt, and you painfully felt those emotions radiating off him. You lightly tugged on Billy's sleeve from behind, fiddling with it. "We talked it out. It's okay now." You said quietly with a reassuring smile.

He wanted to melt looking at your smile. It's been a while since he's seen your comforting smile, and he just wanted to hold you while kissing you with that smile on your face. He fully turned to you, grabbing your hand and entwining fingers. "Sweetheart, just because he said sorry doesn't mean you just forgive them."

He kissed your hand, and Steve overly gasped. "Hey hey! First of all," He said, slapping Billy's hand away. "Don't do that! Second, you're one to talk about apologies when you did the same thing after flipping out on her."

Billy then took a step forward and grabbed Steve's jacket. "You better fucking watch yourself."

You went in between them quickly. "Okay, how bout this? You." You looked at Billy. "Calm down! He's my friend, and you have to deal with that." You then turned to Steve. "And you. Chill out when it comes to Billy. I still don't know what I'm going to do yet and as my friend you need to respect my decision."

"Then can you let him to stop being a dick?" Steve asked.

"And can you tell him to grow a dick?"

"Jesus, is it so hard for you two to at least try to be on my side for once? It's such bullshit to even involve me at all in your crap. Why do you guys always have this rivalry going on when I've been trying my best to make things easier?"

"Five—" Steve started, before you gave him a look and he stopped. "Y/n."

"Maybe I should just get out of the picture. You two have fun together." You walked away, radiating pissed off energy to those passing by.

"Nice going dick fuck."

"You know what?" Steve said, putting his hands in his pockets. "I'll be the bigger person and accept that I pissed her off. So did you. She's all over the place and we're making it worse." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I guess, um, let's try not to hate each other out loud for her? We gotta do that before she stops forgiving us."

Billy looked away and huffed before mumbling, "Whatever man. Sure."

The bell rang and the two boys walked away separately. Billy felt like shit all day. He made you mad, and was an ass. He couldn't wait for fourth period to explain himself.

He could imagine the situation if you two were still together. He would pull you into his lap, and you would give him that cute pout. He'd tell you that he wouldn't hate Steve as much, just for you. He'd then kiss your neck, maybe even nip at it. You'd giggle, before telling him that you accept and that he's not fully forgiven, even though he really is. You'd tell him that you're proud he made it that far for you. He'd get a kiss on the cheek as his prize, before having a nice make out session.

Once he got to fourth period, he buried his face in his hands. Was this really going to be the day you didn't forgive him? What about last night? You have to know that he was there for you when you needed him still, right?

He saw you sit down from the corner of his eye, and and suddenly sat up, smiling. That smile quickly faded when he saw tears in your eyes and a cheek that was stung red. "What happened?" He demanded.

"It's nothing." You mumbled, fiddling with your textbook.

"Who hurt you?" He brushed his thumb over your cheek bone, and you leaned into his touch involuntarily.

"Just these girls. Um, they saw me with you and Steve. They called me a slut and a whore and pushed me around. I fell, and they started kicking me."

"And was one of these girls named Heather cock sucking Holloway?" You stayed silent. "She needs to get a fucking clue!"

He stood, causing you to grab his hand in panic. "Please don't! I want all this fighting to stop for once. I just want to stop causing all this drama."

You began to bounce your knee. This wasn't good. You never had full on anxiety. How would you react to it? You felt Billy gently squeeze your thigh to stop you. "Hey, you don't cause drama. Everybody in this damn school is just trying to have interesting lives, and they're jealous because you're the only one who isn't boring."

You gave him a nervous smile. "You think so?"

"I know so." He brought his hand back, resting his elbow on the table and his palm underneath his chin. "I'm okay with Harrington, by the way. I'm gonna try not to hate him that much, and he's gonna do the same. We agreed on it. Just wanted to put less stress on you."

He flashed you a grin as you just stared at him with a blank face. You were just staring at him unreadably for a bit before leaning to him to kiss him. You caught both him and yourself by surprise. You pulled back and saw Billy's shocked expression.

"I–I'm sorry. You probably don't even need this right now and I shouldn't have—" Billy grabbed your neck and brought you in for a passionate kiss. You both felt all the weight on your shoulders being lifted, the heavy feeling of being so close yet so far gone. Once the kiss was over Billy rubbed his nose against yours. You giggled. "I missed you."

"I missed you too doll."

"I'm sorry, my emotions are all spiked today."

"It's okay sweetheart."

You grinned. "I'm proud of you, by the way. I didn't expect you to ever be okay with Steve. Thank you for doing that for me." You swiped your finger across the side of his jawline, which you know tickles him.

"Course. Am I forgiven then?"

"I guess, but not fully."

Billy's smile became wider, and before he could tease you, Jonathan, Nancy, and Steve stormed into the class with worried expressions. "So they're not here yet?" Jonathan asked.

"Who?" You responded with.

Suddenly Tommy and his friends shoved past them, and Tommy pulled Billy back unexpectedly as Heather grabbed you by the arm and yanked you over to the front of the classroom. She pushed you to the ground, and these other guys then dumped a big cooler full of cold water on you.

A lot of emotions were going to bubble up today.

---

Author's Note: Kind of an awkward cliffhanger, sorry, but I do have more written for the next chapter.

---

Tag List:

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[crushaa]

Explaining the long break and how I got diagnosed with ADHD:

This is a post about mental health. There’s a TLDR at the bottom :) 

“Apply yourself, Cien. If you wanted to pass this class, you would be trying.” 

When I was 15, I got my tonsils out. I got the same kind of statement from a few friends and even family members; “Oh yeah, they used to take EVERYONE’S tonsils out! Even if they didn’t need it, it was the cure to everything. But now everyone’s got ADHD, so that’s the new trend.” 

Around the end of July 2019, I was running out of steam. I still had plenty of creative energy, but I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to work on anything anymore. The truth is that I knew I would hit another music block, and I wouldn't be surprised if anyone else expected it too. My posting history has always been very irregular, even back in high school with long unexplained breaks in between new songs. Knowing it would happen, I felt confident in my ability to tackle it and change my pattern of behavior.

I never thought it would last this long. With each month passing by I began to feel guiltier and guiltier, trying to find out why I couldn't do it. I'd sit in front of an empty FL Studio project for hours, and all my Paint Tool Sai canvases never had more than a few lines.  As the months went on, some pretty dramatic life events took place- various family deaths, 2 near death experiences myself, an abusive doctor. For whatever reason, I just could not recover. 

I used the tragedies as excuses as to why I couldn't do it. It would be reasonable to not be able to do anything. My antidepressants were definitely working for the first time in my life, but why couldn’t I work? I spent the New Year holiday feeling just as guilty and frustrated as ever…. I couldn’t do it anymore. I decided that I was going to go back to my doctors loaded with new theories and ideas as to what could possibly be wrong with me. It never occured to me to tell anyone I couldn’t write more than 2-3 songs in one year when it’s literally my job to write music. 

I began speculating the possibility of another psychiatric disorder, and that made me nervous. Would she think I was lying? Or faking it? I could no longer stand the treatment from the nurse practitioner who had been treating my psychiatric illnesses. I’d always been very uncomfortable with how she treated me, but she’d found the rare genetic disorder I had. I felt that I owed my progress to her and that I should stick it out. But I was still leaving her office in tears at the end of every session. An off color comment, passive aggressive reminders to take my medication, the feeling that I had no say in my own treatment plan… it was too much.  But she was the only one in town who was available to see me. So I went, and I was administered an MMPI by a psychiatrist in that same building. At the end of February, I’d get the results.  

The next appointment with her was the last time she’s ever going to see me. The results of the test had come in as inconclusive, and my world fell apart. She asked what I thought of the results, and I answered truthfully. I told her I was afraid that she saw me as a hypochondriac. 

“Well what if you are?” I didn’t answer. “Well, you are,” she went on with a cocky smile. 

She began to tell me it was my own fault. She told me I had brain damage. But it was fine, because she told me I could be treated for believing I was still sick. 

It affected me deeply, for days I couldn’t stop crying or eat a full meal. The guilt, frustration and embarrassment swallowed me whole; the problem was me. Of course I was making it up. I felt suicidal for the first time in 4 years. There was no point in trying anymore because I as a whole was defective. This world would be better off without a lost cause like me. 

I pulled myself out of this headspace for a while one day, and realized that a HEALTH CARE PROVIDER made me feel this way. 

WHERE WAS THE BRAIN SCAN, BITCH????

 All the guilt, embarrassment, shame- it morphed into a new red hot burning rage. I fired her immediately and revoked any permissions she had. I went to my primary care doctor and asked him to prescribe me my psychiatric medications while I looked for a new psychiatrist, to which he agreed. I asked him for an ADHD test, but he wasn’t comfortable doing it himself. He referred me to a psychiatrist with a 6 month waiting list who then tried to refer me to the abusive nurse practitioner. I set up the six month appointment wait and began to look into doctors in other towns.

On Monday, April 6th, I went to go see a different doctor for something completely unrelated and walked out with an ADHD (Inattentive type) diagnosis. And now less than a week later, everything about my life has changed. 7 long months of executive dysfunction came to an end in the 1 hour it took for the first half-pill to dissolve. Hot damn. 

It felt like everyone else in the world was allowed to use the sidewalk to get from place to place, but there was a rule that I had to dodge incoming traffic to get anywhere. Now, I can use the sidewalk too. I am relearning everything that I know. 

I am no longer ashamed that I have the GPA of a baked potato. I know that I am not lazy, I am not stupid, and this was NOT my own fault; I was sick and nobody knew. The signs were there, but how we view ADHD has changed entirely since I was a child! People still called it ADD. So why was it so hard to get diagnosed in this day and age?

The stigma has shifted into something far more dangerous than I’ve ever realized it was. I don’t hear “I have ADHD OO SHINY” jokes anymore, you know? We believe it to be a grossly overdiagnosed behavioral disorder meant to punish children for having a lot of energy. We wave it off, calling it the new tonsil removal surgery trend. Of the three types of ADHD; Predominantly Hyper-Impulsive, Predominantly Inattentive (that’s me!), and Combined Type; a mix of the two, there tends to be more stigmatized attention towards the hyper-impulsive type. We believe in what we see, breaking the first rule of mental illness: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. 

This leaves those suffering from both inattentive type and combined type to rot. Attention deficiency itself doesn’t have much of a stigma because it isn’t even seen as having a seat at the ADHD table. This is catastrophic and will continue to destroy lives because people don’t feel hyper enough to even consider that they might have ADHD. In turn, those who are told to try harder, apply themselves, stop procrastinating, and to stop being so lazy do not receive the proper care they need. Those who suffer without treatment get worse over time; they lose confidence in themselves, they don’t start new things in fear of the inability to finish, they break promises to friends and family with the inability to follow through, damaging important relationships beyond repair. 

My confidence has been shattered. I was the artist who failed art class. College was never an option because I knew I’d go straight back to failing every class I took. I feel like I am a burden and the token “lost cause” of my family, the one everybody worries about because I’m not right in the head. I’ve grown to become a reclusive, bashful adult who struggles to make and answer phone calls and emails. ADHD devastated my life in deeper ways than my OCD, my PTSD, my anxiety or depression ever could. 

The number of diagnoses are going up because we can recognize it better. This is not a bad thing- science is evolving to show possible causes of the disorder itself. We know not to smoke while pregnant anymore, we know not to eat and drink high fructose corn syrup, we know not to sit in front of blue light screens all day, and we’ll continue to learn.

As soon as I started my medication, I was able to start taking care of myself and working again. The symptoms of my other mental illnesses began to let up, and I felt like a human being for the first time in my life. I have control over my own emotions- I can walk on the sidewalk with everyone else, I am free. 

However, it’s going to take the rest of my life to unlearn the methods I came up with to perform basic self-care functions. It will take many years to gain confidence in myself, to make phone calls without shaking or to even consider the thought of college, potato grades and all. But my mindset has transformed from “I can’t” to “Maybe I could try,” --a first for me. 

Question everything, don’t settle for the minimum, and don’t stop fighting. Thanks for reading this post. I'm hard at work on Propaganda part 2 and hope to post it on May 31st. See you then :-) 

TLDR: ADHD destroyed my life in ways my depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses never could. The stigma surrounding ADHD is shifting to become more dangerous than it has been in the past.  

We live in a society.

[tothestanders]

Trading Places

Summary:

"Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!

”Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars?"

Or, Patton and Remus swap roles. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

Warnings: canon-typical Remus language

Read on AO3 here

Thomas’s back ached from being hunched over so long, fingers half numb from hours of button pressing. Thomas hardly noticed. He was only one level away from meeting the final Boss. Weeks of gameplay had been leading up to this moment. All the lost sleep and forgotten meals were about to pay off in the greatest, grandest, most magnificent battle of all time –

Something ringing cut through Thomas’s laser focus, jolting him back to the real world. He frantically groped for the ‘pause’ button before tearing his eyes away to read the caller ID on his phone. A friend from community theater. Thomas was disappointed for a moment that it wasn’t just ignorable spam, then immediately felt guilty. He quickly accepted the call.

“Hey man, what’s up?” he spoke into the phone. “Oh! Free to talk right now?” Thomas glanced longingly at the paused video game. “Um, well…”

“Are you really gonna hang up on your friend for a video game? Wow, Thomas, I didn’t realize you were even more evil than I am.”

Thomas nearly threw his phone in surprise. Next to him on the sofa suddenly sat the Duke, his face shifting between maudlin disappointment and a suppressed grin.

“What the heck, man! Why you gotta pop up in my blind spot like that?” Thomas yelled, putting the phone on mute while noises of confusion came through the speaker.

“Why you gotta be a shitty friend?” Remus replied without missing a beat. “What if they’re in crisis? What if their family just disowned them? What if they lost their job and can’t afford rent or food and have nowhere to go and you were their last option for help and now they’re going to spend the night on the streets and get mugged and then murdered and so eviscerated that they won’t be able to identify the body and he’ll be tossed into a mass grave where he’ll get devoured by worms at age thirty…”

“Oh my God, stop!” Thomas tried to command, to no avail.

“…and then he’ll turn into a zombie with his mind trapped in his rotting brain and forced to watch as his body kills people…”

“I hope your friend is doing all right!” Thomas whirled around to see Patton sitting on his other side, expression sympathetic. He didn’t seem to notice that Remus was there or still talking. Or maybe he was just ignoring him.

“Oh, thank God, Patton. Do you think it’s okay for me to play my video game instead of talking? I’m just so close to the boss battle and I really wanna finish it.”

“Well, I think your pal sounded fine, but better safe than sorry. How about you can finish your game, but first we say something to cheer him up just in case?”

“…and once all his loved ones have been eaten alive his zombie brain will come back to life and have to live with the horror of what he’s done…”

Desperate to get the Duke’s morbid monologue to stop, Thomas rushed to agree. “Yeah, sure. Any ideas?”

“Oh, you know I’ve always got something up my sleeve. A dad joke is never a bad joke!” He paused a second to think. “What has two butts and kills people? An assassin!”

Without a second thought, Thomas lifted the phone back to his face, unmuted it, and repeated the joke. He snorted at his own punchline, mentally congratulating himself on the pun. Then realization set in. Patton seemed to have the same realization, judging by the look of self-directed horror on his face.

The sound of laughter came through the phone. “Sorry, that was kind of a silly one. But glad you liked it,” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Listen, I was kinda in the middle of something when you called, but I’d love to catch up later tonight if that works for you?” His friend assured him it was no problem, and after setting up a time to chat later, they hung up.

“What the heck was that?” Thomas said.

“Great teamwork!” Remus chimed, raising a hand to high-five Patton across Thomas’s body. Patton eyed it nervously, then lightly tapped the palm. Then not so subtly wiped his hand on his pants.

“Sorry, kiddo. I didn’t mean to use potty language,” Patton said, shaking his head. “A dad’s gotta set a good example for his kids! Not my best work, huh?”

“Yeah, that was weird,” Thomas said. “But mostly I meant Remus. Why’d you harass me about wanting to play video games instead of talking to my friend? You don’t care about that sort of thing.”

Remus’s grin widened.

“Now Thomas, maybe Remus is turning over a new leaf. In that case, we should celebrate! How about we throw a bunch of Babybel cheese at people’s cars so the wax stains them red in pretty polka dots!”

Thomas stared at Patton. “…That’s vandalism. You want me to vandalize people’s cars? And wouldn’t that probably make dents and break the windows?”

Patton’s face fell into a look of consternation. “Oh, yes, sorry. That would be very inconsiderate. Definitely don’t do that, Thomas. Okay, instead, we can celebrate with food! I think we’ve got eggs, pickles, maple syrup, and coffee in the kitchen. Sounds like the ingredients for a yummy soup.”

“Soup?” Thomas repeated in disbelief.

Patton tilted his head. “Yeah, soup. You know, a liquid you can eat! We could add cinnamon too if you want.”

“I love it, Patton! Look who’s finally not being such a fuddy-daddy,” Remus said, drumming his fingers against his cheek.

Thomas looked rapidly between the two of them. “Okay, is someone going to explain what’s going on here or am I just gonna stay confused?”

“You could’ve skipped all the confusion in the first place if you’d just listened to me earlier. I knew you liked boys by age 6!” Remus answered, and Thomas groaned. But then the Duke let out a long, dramatic sigh and stood, spreading his arms wide. “All right, killjoy. I swapped us, of course!”

“What? You can’t do that!” Patton reprimanded. “You switch back with Thomas right now, mister! This is Thomas Sanders Sides, not Remus Sanders Sides.”

Remus blinked. “Uh, right. No. I swapped our roles, Patton.”

Patton’s eyes widened with realization. “Ohhh. Well that’s much better.” He nodded to himself. Then, “Hey! You switch us back right now, mister!”

“Oopsie doodles, no can doozies. This is way too much fun! Now, Thomas, about your content.” Remus turned to face Thomas, a manic gleam in his eyes. “You really love to coddle your viewers, huh? Do you think they can tell? Do you think they click on your channel and get whacked in the face with the patronizing ooey gooey BS you sprinkle over their dainty little heads? They’re probably devastated you don’t trust them to be able to handle anything more meaningful and substantial than the trite twaddle you call videos.”

Remus pushed up his cheeks with his fists, lower lip jutting out in an exaggerated pout. “Aw, poor babies. Their favorite Youtube star thinks nothing of them. That’s gotta cut like a machete to the heart.”

“Okay! Got it,” Thomas said. “So what I’m hearing is you’re my morality now?” Horror rose in his throat. “And Patton is my bad creativity?” Remus nodded excitedly. Patton looked nauseous. “Why would you do that?” Thomas asked, desperate.

“Oh, it’s simple. Dear Virgie didn’t like the bloody death threat I left on his wall earlier. Talk about not being able to take a joke, amirite?” Patton grimaced at that idea of a ‘joke.’ “Anyway, then he went off about how I’ll” – Remus adopted a mocking, bored tone to accompany his air quotes – “‘never be an important Side’ because I ‘don’t know the difference between right and wrong.’ Blah, blah, blah. But that was just too good of a challenge to pass up!”

“Too good of a challenge…so you’re trying to prove Virgil wrong? By being my morality? ” Thomas clarified in dismay.

“Yep! And proving that I could gain a whole lotta influence real quick if I wanted. Good little Thomas would never repress his moral drive.” Remus smiled sweetly at him.

“Sure, okay. This is not happening.” Thomas turned to Patton. “You’re my real morality. Can’t you, like, take your job back? Please?”

“Afraid not,” the Duke answered for him in a voice dripping with fake sympathy. “Where do you think your Sides comes from, Thomas? We’re figments of your imagination, after all.”

Thomas rested his face in his hand, exhausted by the whole situation. “I’m not following.”

“It’s easy. Imagination is part of creativity.” He did a mirror of Roman’s typical arm flourish at the mention of his function. “Therefore, your creativity created your Sides and is the only thing that can change them as it pleases. As I please.”

“Hold on, does that mean you and Roman are, like, literally everyone else’s dads?” Thomas asked.

“Hey now, kiddo. Don’t go stealing my kids out from under me,” Patton said, pointing a stern finger.

“Don’t worry, I’m a deadbeat dad!” Remus replied. Then his expression turned thoughtful. It was the most terrifying thing Thomas had ever seen. “Huh, isn’t it interesting that we’re figments of your imagination but also kinda not? I mean, we’ve got thoughts and feelings of our own. Yet our whole existence revolves around you.” Thomas braced, not sure where this was going but sure it wasn’t anywhere good. “You call all the shots about what we do, and if one of us wants to do something? Well, better pimp yourself out to get on the Big Daddy’s good side –”

“What?!”

“– and hope he graciously agrees. No autonomy for us. Just wasting away in your brain while you fuck around with the body. Male privilege? Please, let’s talk corporeal privilege, Thomas.”

Remus’s tone stayed casual, gaze idly wandering as he thought aloud. But the wave of guilt that came with his words was enough to nearly knock Thomas over, and made his eyes sting with tears. The Duke actually had a point. Was Thomas a terrible person? Oh, God. Was he abusing his Sides?

“Okay, kiddo.” Patton said, holding out his hands in a pacifying gesture. “That’s some pretty heavy stuff. Let’s not get carried away, all right? Don’t worry Thomas, we love being part of your amazing head!”

“Did someone say amazing head? I was wondering when you’d ask –”

Thomas closed his eyes. He could not deal with this. His Morality was suggesting crime, his Bad Creativity was giving him intrusive guilt, except all that was actually the other way around, now. Too much chaos, too many moral crises jam packed into ten minutes, too much Remus. Frankly, at this point he was just surprised Virgil hadn’t popped up to yell at him yet. Thomas was considering just getting up and walking away, irrationally hoping that no one would follow, when he remembered something.

“Wait a second. You said only Creativity could switch you guys back, right?”

“Yeppers! And don’t bother calling Roman, he’s still black and blue from reading Youtube comments earlier,” Remus replied cheerfully. Thomas made a mental note to check on Roman once all this was done.

“But you switched roles with Patton,” he continued, frown sliding into a sly smile. “Which means that Patton is now my Creativity – well, part of it, anyway. Which means he can switch you back!” Thomas turned eagerly to his father figure figment.

“Ah, I’m not so sure about that, kiddo.” Patton’s eyes were wide as saucers. “What if tapping into a” – his voice fell to a whisper – “dark power turns me evil. Like Ursula from A Little Mermaid.”

“Is that Ursula’s backstory?” Thomas asked curiously.

“No, actually! The real one is much better,” Remus said. “She almost got burned alive when her village figured out she was part octopus. Good thing her dear brother rescued her. Oh, except he thought she was a monster too, so he banished her to the cesspit of the sea.” Remus’s enthusiastic tone only made his darkened expression the more unnerving.

Thomas shifted uneasily. Once again, he was reminded just how much he didn’t know about what went on in his own head. But then again, Remus had told him, hadn’t he?

The unloved brother from the Genesis.

He began to spiral back down Remus’s guilt trip about responsibility to his Sides. Thankfully his thoughts were interrupted by Patton. “Aw, poor thing! People can be meaner than a bully burning a baby bunny in a Satanic ritual.” What? “Uh, I mean! A stuffed bunny. Anyway, I hope Ursula is okay now.”

“Nope, she died,” Remus informed him. Patton’s lip started to wobble.

“So that’s good news!” Thomas butted in before things could get any more derailed. He’d have time later to worry about sibling rivalry and possible injustice among figments of his imagination. “I mean, Ursula didn’t turn evil from using dark magic. So Patton has nothing to worry about. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, I need my good old morality back. No one else can beat the top pop.” Thomas smiled at the giggle that got.

“Oh, all right. I’ll give it the old college try.”

Thomas sighed in relief and watched as Patton squeezed his eyes and fists tight, brow furrowing in intense concentration. A moment later he cracked an eye open. “Did it work?”

“I don’t know, tell a joke!” Thomas urged.

“Um…oh! Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it’d be a foot!”

Thomas groaned, but he was smiling. Finally, his Sides were back to normal.

“Or my dick!” Remus chirped.

Yeah, normal. The thought was far fonder than it had any right to be.

“See, Patton? There was nothing to worry about. No spooky magical corruption – hey what’s up with your logo?” Thomas pointed at the heart on Patton’s shirt. It had turned upside down, its shape now looking a lot like…well.

Remus gasped in delight. “Awesome! Taking style inspiration from your favorite Creativity, I see.”

“You’re not my favorite Creativity,” Patton said, and Thomas couldn’t help his flinch. But then, “I can’t play favorites with my kids! You’re all perfect just the way you are.”

The side-eye Remus gave Patton was truly impressive. “Perfect, huh? Even when I do this?” Suddenly he was holding what looked kinda like a bouquet of pale, bloody flowers. Then Thomas spotted the fingernails. He watched as the entire handful of severed fingers slid down Remus’s throat and disappeared with a loud slurp.

“Of course!” Patton replied, seemingly unfazed. “No matter what you do, you’re still famILY.”

Okay, that was weird. Patton, not bothered by that sickening gesture? But wait a second – was it sickening? Strangely enough, Thomas found he wasn’t all that bothered by it either. Like some of his aversion to Remus had faded.

The suspicious look didn’t leave Remus’s face, but something about him seemed…calmer, than it had a minute ago. Softer.

Patton looked back at his shirt with a puzzled expression. “That’s funny, I could’ve sworn the heart was right-side up. Maybe I need new glasses!”

“I wouldn’t call that a heart anymore. It’s totally a pair of dingle-dangles.”

“A what?” Thomas said, unable to believe the Duke had actually used a euphemism. And a downright cutesy one, at that. His gaze fell to Remus’s belt.

“My eyes are up here, you saucy minx. And here,” Remus added, pointing to the eyeball on his shoulder.

“No, look,” Thomas said, pointing to the logo on the belt buckle. The crescent moon at the top seemed to have morphed into a smiley face.

Thomas head swiveled between the smiley face and the – uh, inverted heart – several times. He thought back to what Patton had been worried about. Lasting effects of the role reversal. Oh no.

Patton and Remus, both still engrossed by their changed logos, seemed to have the same thought. In voices heavy with resignation, all three of them spoke at the same time.

“Aw, butts.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #341

“anger, misery, you’ll suffer unto me”

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? I don't think so. Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? No, and I never would. Grow up. Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? No. Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? Yeah; guilt would eat me alive otherwise. Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Fucking ew, no. Have you ever held back a well-deserved compliment because you were jealous? No. Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? Ugh, no. Would most people consider you better than average looking? Ha, no. For yourself, would you rather have a perfect body or high IQ? Give me the perfect body, living in my horrible one has affected my mental health badly enough. I'm fine with having a moderate IQ. I just want to feel happy in my own skin. Have you ever embarrassed some intentionally in public? Wow, no. Have you ever used a false ID? Also no. Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I'm embarrassed to tell people I don't HAVE a job. Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I don't. I'm sure it was RP-related and not friendly, but I don't remember the exact convo. Have you ever got a D or F on your report card? I want to say no; I think the lowest I ever got was a C. If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? Ugh, no. I'm sorry if you're into it, but I'm just not. I would want to ensure they knew their uniqueness and individuality was seen. Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? There's a large number of those kinds of people. What brings out the worst in you? Probably when I'm building up towards a PTSD meltdown. I get VERY short and snappy and am convinced everyone hates and wants to leave me. My mouth also has NO fucking leash, and I know I can say very mean things that I'll regret later. What do you prefer, Skittles or Starbursts? Skittles. Mike & Ikes or Jolly Ranchers? Jolly Ranchers for sure. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Waffles (with syrup). Don't knock it 'til you try it, I'm telling you. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Besides birds obviously, there's squirrels, deer, opossums, raccoons... Have you ever had a lucid dream? I think I've had just one. What's your biggest problem at the moment? Probably my anxiety having stunted my growth in so many areas. Have you ever turned down a job offer? I don't think so, no. What's the longest hospital stay you've had? For what? I think my longest was almost two months for suicidal thoughts. Two months might sound long, but it was like... my third or so psych hospital stay for that same reason. What's something really basic that you're terrible at? Even the most simple math. I don't even know the majority of my elementary multiplication tables. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I have one there already, but I plan on getting it covered because it was an impulse tattoo that I feel no connection towards. Have you ever searched for your house on Google Earth? My old house, yeah. Are you a beach, country, or city person? Country. Living in the suburbs has definitely reminded me of that... Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Typing, by a long shot. I make typos texting too much. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah. Who is the last person that you said "I love you" to, besides family members? Sara. When was your first real relationship? Sophomore year of high school to early college. Have you ever cried over an ex? I've cried the entire mass of water on Earth over an ex lmao. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? I think I have once or twice, but obviously with consent. What’s a hobby you would like to try out? If my legs worked like actual legs and I didn't sweat like an absolute pig, I would like to try out herping, but without actually interacting with the animal like picking it up and scaring the daylights out of it. I'd just be happy enough looking for reptiles, amphibians, and inverts to photograph instead. Does that still even count as herping? What was the last event you attended? My youngest niece's birthday party. How about the last event you organized? I've never organized an event. What’s something you get excited about doing and want to do it right away? Whenever I take nature pictures, I'm immediately keen to get them into Lightroom and do the postproduction. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? Definitely not. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? If you exclude places like the zoo, that would probably be a rhinoceros beetle or something. Oh no, actually some kind of local moth I don't know the name of. They're beautiful big white boiz. How about the biggest spider? I might be mis-remembering, but I believe at a reptile convention I went to with Sara, one of the vendors had a goliath bird eater tarantula in one of the cups. I do know it was some tarantula species for sure, though. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad. Obviously not romantically, but him just splitting on the family with no proper communication absolutely broke my heart for years. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? I'm sure that would be my parents. If you exclude them 'cuz that's kinda obvious, I believe it was Aaron, my first boyfriend. I'm pretty sure we were together on Valentine's Day, because I remember getting him a giant Hershey's Kiss. First band you obsessed about? I wasn't truly obsessed with any band 'til Ozzy in middle school. Can you do a backflip? No; I've never tried and never will. I was and still am too afraid of breaking my neck. Like I have a MASSIVE fear of paralysis, particularly from the neck down; that fear is actually the biggest one that keeps me from driving, fun fact. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Of the two, definitely a pessimist, but I at least think I align most with being a realist. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I'm unsure. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? Yeah. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Just one. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Tyler once drew a picture of him and me. It was cute. That guy still dove in WAY too fast. Have you ever dated a redhead? I haven't, but I love redheads. Natural red hair is just gorgeous. What are your thoughts on facial hair on guys? Historically, I seem to generally like some, but it really depends on the guy's general appearance. I can like none at all or a full beard and mustache, it doesn't really matter to me. Did you go anywhere today? No; my mom is in Florida with her brothers totally cleaning out Grammy's house, so she's not here to take me anywhere. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Oh yikes, I have a lot. I honestly can't count because I've lost track of how many boys and girls Katie has. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do? Jesus. I'd rather die; some things just aren't worth living after, and I'd have no desire to keep going if I killed my father. Did you ever cry at the end of King Kong? I've never watched it, actually, but I. LOVED. The video game. I haven't played it in years and only faintly remember how it ends, but I don't remember crying. Are you in any amount of pain at the moment? Quite a lot, actually. It's kinda a TMI subject so I won't delve into it, just know I'm hurting like a bitch. What was the last sugary thing you ate? I snacked on some chocolate chips earlier today... which I really shouldn't have done, but I think I had reasonable restraint and didn't totally binge. When was the last time you did something extremely stupid? Who knows, that's not a rare occurrence, it feels like. Have you been to any parties lately? Only my niece's bday party in February. Thankfully it was kept pretty small, given Covid; not that anyone in that family besides my sister gives a flying fuck about precautions, though... Can you touch your pinky to your thumb around your wrist? Ugh, no. Close, but not enough. I still have thin wrists and hands, but yeah, yay for being overweight. If you were to start a charity, what would you call it? I'd hve to put more thought than I'm willing for one survey question. I'd have to decide what KIND of charity I want to start first, which I'm unsure of. Probably something related to animal wellfare and conservation or something similar to the Trevor Project. Maybe LBGTQ+ youth disowned by their families... I dunno. There's so much good I wish I could do. Are you comfortable with your body? Holy fuck no. It's only gotten worse since I started gaining weight again and almost entirely erased all weight loss progress I'd made. What is your recent inside joke? Most recently made? Idk, man. I don't make those often. Would you rather be a human, vampire, or a werewolf? Er, I'm good with being a human. If I was a vampire or werewolf, I wouldn't exactly be very welcomed, I'm sure, and both have seemingly painful traits to cope with. Are you good at giving directions? It is absolutely impossible for me. I have NO sense of direction, like, at all. I don't know highway names, local exits, etc. etc. etc. etc. Why did you last curse? Pain when readjusting myself due to aforementioned issue I'm having. What is your purpose in life? I hope it involves animals and spreading words of peace and an appreciation for art. What is one of your weak points? I'm very, very, very dependent on others. I'm really working on trying to correct that. I can barely do shit on my own as is. Who was the last person you heard snoring? My cat, haha. Would you rather shower by yourself or with another person? 100% by myself. Another person would just get in the way and make me VERY self-conscious of my body, even if it was my romantic partner. Just please leave me alone to hate myself for 10 minutes. :^) What was your last addiction? You could say my current one is John Wolfe, a really funny let's player I've gotten into. Been bingeing some of my favorite games he has playlists of for a few weeks now. You are in a tank full of spiders, what do you do? Well one, I'd like to know what kind they are. Venomous? Harmless? You gotta give me the details. If I don't have any, then I'm admittedly freaking the fuck out, even though I know I should stay very calm when trying to get out. Fear would win, though. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you? Saving the world from what? But odds are, yeah. I don't cherish my pretty damn mediocre life more than I do the lives of what, 8 billion people? Have you ever stayed up all night just to talk to someone? Yeah. When was the last time you eavesdropped someone? I kinda do that sometimes when Mom's on the phone and I can hear her from my room, and if they're on speaker. Particularly if the subject is me. When was the last time you went to a club? I've never been to one. How have you been sleeping? Poorly. Are you adopted? No, I'm not. Do you like scrapbooking? Not really, no. Do you collect anything valuable? "Valuable to me." <<<< This. Nothing of great monetary worth, though. Have you ever been beaten up? No, thankfully. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't think so, in my personal life. What was the last thing you killed? An ant. Have you ever used someone for money? I never could, no. When was the last time you went to the zoo? Sigh, it's been many many years. I'm so ready to get my goddamn legs back in shape so I can go again, this time with a REAL camera, too. Last time I went was when I still only had a Kodak EasyShare; I have a professional Canon camera now with much more education on photography too, so I would be in absolute heaven with at least twenty memory cards in need, haha. Maybe next fall... Is there a teacher you hate more than anything? I actually never had a teacher I hated in my entire school career. It really, really is as simple as just being a respectful student. In most cases, I should emphasize, because I do understand some educators just suck. Now I had some teachers I wasn't very fond of, but most certainly none that I hated. Do you own colored eyeliner? No. Do you have manners? I honestly think I'm very mannerly. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? We last had to put my dog Teddy down; he had cancer and was literally withering away. I knew in my very core that even if we didn't bring him to the vet to euthanize him, he would've died naturally in a very short period of time; I doubt he would've survived another night. Now I'd like to move on. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination of Vraylar and Lamictal is the reason I'm alive. It keeps my bipolarity and depression under control. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but those are some of my favorite crafts visually. They're very pretty and cute. Can you see the mountains from where you live? Oh hunny, I wish. Did you ever play pranks on April Fool’s Day? As a kid, yeah. I don't anymore. I'm not really even a fan of April Fool's Day as an adult because of how cruel some jokes assholes play are. Which instrument would you play if you could learn to play one? Maybe violin. Do you part your hair on the left side, right side, or in the middle? The left. What are some names you like that start with the first letter of your name? Uhhhh Bianca, Braelynn (look I know it's so stereotypically Southern but it's pretty)... and idk from there, those are the two that come to mind first.