#i am doing the absolute best that i can and frankly ive been pushing my own needs aside for you

[silverislander]

actually no like i am pretty hurt! friend 2 is on discord saying none of us "have our shit together enough to help" like we're not doing anything. we're doing the best we can and i feel like that's kind of a mean response, whether he's going through it or not he doesn't get to throw accusations and insults around. i can't be his therapist, i can't give him money or drive him around unfortunately, so i really can't make much of a dent in any of this. he wants a response tonight and i have no fucking idea what to say

honestly i feel like shit for closing discord rn, i almost always keep it running in the background during the day and check in when i can, but one of my friends had a suicidal breakdown this morning (her second in a month- she's not able to access mental health care until at least january) and it was the first thing i saw today when i woke up, another one is losing it bc his life is Insanely stressful to a degree that cannot be upheld (he's physically ill bc of his schedule, not sleeping/eating, scheduled to work two jobs through the week of christmas and is spending the entire actual holiday alone all after a Severe semester + burnout, and apparently he cant drop anything to make time)

and as much as i love them both, i cannot help. i literally can't do anything meaningful for either of them and i've been feeling like garbage all day trying to help. i'm gonna try to take care of myself for once instead

[amporella]

hi! this is mpreg anon from a few months back lol. i just wanted to say i finally got to reading the fic and im sooo!!!!! sobbing and crying, a puddle of love on the floor! you were right. i Know now why you talked about it often.

i really love holly's stankyle. theres something about them that feels very.. desperate? like they know they belong together and sometimes not even physical touch can satiate that need/want?? idk! but agh! i love them sm. holly is also really good at capturing the overall weirdness of south park and thats why she can come up with aus/ideas that are weird or silly and make them work. i also really appreciate that she went for kinks/tropes that not many people give style.

something else i really loved about this fic was that it felt very like.. omg a dream come true in a way? sometimes i just wanna read a fic where stan and kyle do fuck all all day, just real type of normal maybe even domestic shit and its just them. and this fic came pretty close to that? they are so wrapped up in each other and have so much love to give and g OD i thought the baby was gonna come in and ruin that or like i was gonna get annoyed w the baby but no!!! 😭 i was so neutral about elway in the beginning and was actually loving how kyle was thinking/approaching the whole thing. idek when that started changing?? before they talk about the name elway though. and when she was finally born and the days kyle spent fighting to get her?!! and then he gets her and its the three of them and its like.. yeah.. okay, she's perfect. she really is a miracle stan and kyle created and theres no way she could ever come between them bc stan and kyle's love is endless, its forever and ever, they can share that love with their child 🤧

as for creek, hmm. i think craig and tweek just arent characters i've seen holly write for and like? so even though they are/were together i just didnt rly care for them u_u. im really glad i started finally reading fic where theyre not together in style fics though. it still hurts a bit lmao but ive been enjoying some stories i had passed on before and stuff and yeah, ty for giving me that little push >w<!!!

sorry this ask is so long! i didnt want to bother you every time i finished a chapter lol. i was also going through some stuff and this fic was the only thing keeping me sane. and actually i have just the epilogue left but im so sad its gonna be over after that so i've been delaying it :(! but yeah, aahhhh herbert garrison's night school for unwed fathers enjoyer 🫡 TY! 💙💚

YOU HAVE NOOOO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOU READ THE FIC AND SENT ME THIS AMAZING ASK??? I saw this in my inbox and immediately went to my friends and like BRAGGED ABOUT GETTING THIS? I'm going to respond to every part so bear with me but in the meantime THANK YOU!!!

I think you are so so right about them being desperate... it is key for stanky that regardless of how close they get physically, it's like it'll never be enough? Like they are soulmates in every sense of the word, and can never actually satiate their pull... SIGH!!!! IT'S TRUE!!! And holly's ability to nail absurdity is absolutely one of her strongest suits, and something that definitely contributed to how iconic she is. South Park is an absurd show, and holly meets it with such absurdity that Stan and Kyle can stay perfectly in character, because so many of her plots are something that could legitimately BE a South Park episode involving the characters when they're older. Like, Craig and Clyde fucking in the Marsh shed and Craig telling Sheila Kyle needs a psych eval? A+, can and will happen at some point. It's so ridiculous yet somehow believable, and the mpreg fic is literally the BEST example of it. It's a concept that's frankly a huge turnoff for a lot of people (understandably), but she puts it in such a light that she makes it appealing for a ton of people. It's one of those fics that i would recommend even to the most vehement mpreg hater, because there IS something about it that differentiates it from typical fics like that.

AND DESCRIBING IT AS A DREAM COME TRUE IS SO CORRECT? Everything you said in that third paragraph specifically was so fucking real. The fic starts off as such an absolute disaster situation, and despite the multiple disasters along the way, you can absolutely tell that it was like fate in a way? Holly does an incredible job of balancing the understandable stress with the joy and all the happy moments, as well as acknowledging the fact that in the end, Elway seriously did enrich both of their lives. I LOVE THAT YOU POINTED OUT HOW YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE BABY COMING BETWEEN THEM... because it's true!!! It's such a real concern, but she is so good about wrapping it up; the scenes after Kyle gets Elway feel like a dream sequence in how floaty and happy everyone is, and while reading it I was like (as someone who does not want kids), huh. Maybe I need to have a baby? LOLL but seriously you are so right. It IS endless and now they have even more love to go around because of Elway... whatever. WHATEVER!! I'm not even crying. I'm NORMAL!!!!

I totally get your feelings about creek!! I ended up feeling kind of similarly. I'm happy you started expanding your horizons!!! There's nothing wrong with sticking with exclusively creek fic, obv, but there are some real gems out there if you're able to push some of the icks to the side. And maybe you'll even figure out a new ship you like? I remember that I was afraid to read Other People's Tupperware at first because Tweek is literally dead, and Craig hooks up with Kenny? But then I decided to read it (and felt neutral about it!) and it was valuable to me. And then when I read it a few years later, I really loved it. It got me thinking that first time!!! I'M HAPPY I COULD HELP GIVE YOU THAT PUSH!!!

Talking about holly (or any other fic) to me will NEVER bother me so pls feel free to do so!!!! I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE EPILOGUE!! It is sweet and so delightful. AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I CAN EVER GIVE YOU ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS!!

Thank you SOO much for this ask!! It seriously made my day.

[pluviophile-imagines]

And then he just fakes injuries so she can touch him some more 💀 Also, jealous reader with usurper gojo has been on my mind. Ever since you wrote about him getting mad at non existent suitors 👀 Also this may sound weird but i remember talking about wishing you had more interaction on ur blog, and i feel like ur getting a LOT with ursurper gojo which makes me very happy for u <3- 🎃 spice anon

STOP YES UR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT this is so good,,,, at first hes faking them n then he realizes they totally know so he starts like.... not actively harming himself but maybe just being a little less careful around weapons n rocks n stuff just so he has an excuse for them to touch him.... im in LOVE w/ that

hmmmMMMM SO IM NOT GONNA LIE i..... am not a super huge fan of jealousy content??? like its v much a natural human emotion (people r insecure!! esp if they rlly like the person theyre with!!!) but i dont like to rlly highlight it and when i do i prefer for it to be handled in a healthy way bc i am boring and i like soft healthy things (see: one of my fav shigaraki fics ive written where the reader gets jealous). with usurper!gojo, it's a lil complicated—the reader if anything has to be actively persuaded into accepting his pursuits, so gojo i think both bc of that and bc hes simply Like That quite simply doesnt give his attention to other people period when she's around. he's got such tunnel-vision it's like everything else disappears the moment she's around. i dont think jealousy on her end would be a big problem bc the guy could literally be talking to the fucking fantasy Pope or whatever and still abandon him just bc he saw the end of her skirt and hadn't talked to her in five minutes and thats just too long to be deprived of her presence. like hes absolutely infatuated if shes in the room all of his attention is on her.

however i do think she has a lingering fear that he'll get bored of her or decide she's not worth all the hoops hes gotta jump through and hell drop her for someone new/easier/who will more freely return his affection. if those thoughts happen to upwell when they're being visited by a neighboring princess or something she might be a lil jealous! but i do think gojo would catch on immediately, probably even before the reader herself, and like. i v much think her jealousy would be a more internal thing, she'd hide it as best she could and it wouldn't be some grand push for her to be more bold with him/overcome her hesitations. it'd probably just lead to her being quieter and talking to him less and as u might imagine he hates that. theres nothing worse to him. no amusement here, it's not fun at all. frankly id imagine him making an excuse that shes not feeling well and dragging her back to their quarters to reassure her. now as for gojo being jealous, it happens way too often. a guy could look at her too long and he'd get all pouty n clingy n also.... drag her back to their quarters. idk i feel like gojo rlly likes to be alone w her

i hope thats ok UAIHSBF i know thats not typically what people want from jealousy headcanons lmfao

[summoner-kentauris]

What does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir? (You can either just answer or write a lil story if you feel like it)

OOOO now i have thought in my free time a fair amount about what líf thinks of zasha but, and i cannot believe this, i have not thought about what zacharias thinks about líf and thrasir. full disclosure, book III happened to be going on when i formally stopped playing feh. i kept up with the story after that but, theres my obligatory knowledge base disclaimer.

also minor cws through this whole thing because i talk here and there about zacharias and his... mm, canonical relationship to death/selfharm

-

so, i spent a lot of time thinking about this one, and i keep coming back to my gut reaction, which is that i don't think zacharias would like them very much. i dont know why i think that, though.

PART ONE

i think a lot of it would depend on how they approach him, which is maybe why i've spent more time thinking about the reverse of this ask, come to think of it. see, i think zacharias could go any which way in terms of what he thinks of them. i think he could hate them, as two people who killed versions of everyone he ever loved, including metaphorically killing off the two people closest to him.

i think he could love him, having seen the hell (ha ha literally) that they went through. understanding what that feels like. given the way he talks about his suicide attempts, and honestly that he spent most of book I trying to get people to kill him, really his whole relationship to death. i mean the man talks a lot about death and killing. he might not be the feh OC who best understands how manipulative and... whats a good word. alluring? what im trying to say is that besides eir, he might be the one most likely to understand why Hel and hel's offer appealed to líf and thrasir. i feel like this bit has a place here: "With his dying breath...he begged for his life. He called out your names! "I'll do anything you ask! Just let me live!" excepting of course that i still am not sure if i think he said/thought that or not. ive never been sure who really is in control of speaking right then and there. Anyway. Probably he could come to understand Líf and Thrasir's stance, enough that he could care about them the same ways he cares about his versions of Alfonse ann Veronica

on the other hand, i can see him being fully horrified by the choices those two made in response. this bit: Not anyone... This dark god...seeks death. And it cries for the destruction of Askr. Like. Líf and Thrasir are intentionally enacting the same thing as the dark god's desires, in order to correct a mistake they made that, uh, also enacted the same thing as dark god's desires. talk about awkward. and i think Zasha, who has lived with this nightmare in his head for so long, might recoil from people who are so directly aligned with it. who wants to be around someone who has become, who has chosen to become, everything you ever feared you'd be? especially when you're nearly drowning from the effort of fighting to stop yourself.

i could also see him meeting them and it being incredibly, incredibly bad for him. i feel like, he puts a whole lot of... mm. what am i trying to say.here:

Yet it is you that says this, dear friend, and so I must consider it. I see the faith reflected in your eyes. Perhaps it is possible...

SPEAKING OF BUNNY ZACHARIAS I ALSO THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE FOLLOWING:

You never change. All you see is a lofty goal, even if you lack the means to achieve it... The idea that gods would fall by the hand of man is a fantasy... and a preposterous one. This is a goal that even our ancestors Líf and Thrasir could not achieve.

setting aside the obligatory wtf zash i know you know your lore (fuck, maybe there is no killing the gods, maybe all Fire Emblem victories are temporary at best and Zenith is the only one who knows it. but i think, probably not), i think you could spin a very believable scenario where zacharias takes one look at these two ambitious, arrogant posers and absolutely refuses to speak to them any further.

so, part one, i think that zacharias could think any number of things about líf and thrasir. which i suppose means that i think he's fairly neutral on the subject of líf and thrasir. makes sense to me, i suppose. i feel like zacharias | bruno has practice (regardless of whether he's any good at it or not, or whether its any good for him) at holding and maintaining separate personas, so I don't think the fact that líf and thrasir were alfonse and veronica would necessarily be all that important to him.

which brings me to part ii

what happened to dead zenith zacharias

if zacharias is neutral on the subject, I think a lot of their relationship is going to pushed in one direction or another by líf and thrasir themselves.

and, complicating matters (when do I make things simple?), i think their approach to zacharias would of course depend on what happened to their zacharias. correct me if im wrong, but i dont think we have even a hint what happened to him.

there are three ish options I'm seeing. one: as dead world zenith is further along in its timeline and as zacharias claims he's almost out of time with his curse, other zacharias died due to that before the war with hel. i feel like scenario one is the most likely to lead to a good relationship between main zacharias and líf and thrasir.

two: mr. professional "knows plot relevant things out of knowhere" was the one who found out about angrboða's heart in the first place. especially given "As destruction took hold, we joined with Embla to seek the forbidden heart...", which to me sounds a lot like, "hel was kicking our ass then zacharias showed up and said we should go get this mystical plot object from embla". thrasir even says she and líf weren't allies before the world went to shit. anyway. hear me out here:

Yes. The heart is sealed within an Emblian blood temple. If that seal is broken, someone will die each time the heart beats... Those who perform the rite are the first to die.

Now. Líf claims he was the one who broke it open, but he also was present for the war that followed and only after was he killed and inducted into hel's army. so. both of those things can't be true. i propose that the magic mcguffin located in a sealed emblian blood temple was unlocked by our dear zacharias and thats what killed him in other zenith. i think its possible that other veronica was the one who did it, but you know. its all imagination at this point. also, and i forgot this, but thrasir does go off about how she can't lose until she saves her brother, so. something especially tragic happened at least. and oh boy is scenario two a nice fresh tasty tragedy. so that's scenario two. other zacharias directly died as a result of attempts to fight hel

number three thing that could have happened to zach is boring. he's always off doing things, he could have just died off screen. i mean. everyone did, eventually.

frankly he could still be alive for all i know. the heart appears to take the lives of people in the world, not of the world, or else the summoner would have been fine. so, if zacharias was on one of his off world jaunts, he could conceivably be a-okay. well. as okay as someone who's whole world died. i don't think that's what happened, because thrasir is pretty clear about feeling that she failed him, but yknow.

líf and thrasir's reactions to the above

thrasir is i think the most straightforward. i can't really see her approaching main zacharias with anything but positive intent. even if she's only a little bit open, i think thrasir and zacharias will probably have a decently tolerable relationship. if zacharias can come back to a country that exiled him as a kid and let his mother die in a dungeon and then go on to not just befriend but protect and care for a half sister he didnt know before then, then i think he'll find a way to care about thrasir. you know, intsys could have had fun making another perpetual older brother character. as i understand it, xander gets brother'd a lot, he and zach could have talked. could have been fun. a whole, zacharias, a historically traumatized child: *arrives in a world* every currently traumatized kid in a five mile radius: oh shit this one's ours now. you know what im saying? found family except zacharias would very much like it to stop finding him. he's got important brooding to do. but anway, they didn't go that route and its a tragedy.

líf is... more complicated. i think scenario one creates the most positive outlook. i can see him still having guilt over zacharias' loss, but i think any of it would be overshadowed by everything else that happened. in this scenario, líf finally gets back a piece of the world he'd lost. yeah, it's not his zacharias, but still. it is a zacharias, who is living and breathing and frowning and asking why you are staring at me, knight. i think the two of them could get along rather well, although i see them having significant issues with pessimism. inch-restingly enough... the dark curse bades its hosts to kill askrans. and líf is, well. dead. so... perhaps... perhaps líf wouldn't trigger the curse like alfonse does. in that case, not only does líf get someone back he thought he'd never see again, but so does zacharias.

scenario two is just a nightmare. frankly, i initially thought this scenario would lead to líf just ignoring zacharias (out of guilt, pain, etc), but i was rereading the scripts looking for the spelling of angrboða and this came up:

Tell Hel. She'll erase those memories. She'll erase them all...

so, honestly? i think that in scenario two líf just straight up gets hel to remove his memories of zacharias (as an aside maybe this is also why he never ever ever talks about other anna >:{ )

in that case, líf wouldn't really have any reason to talk to this man, who causes this empty deeply sad feeling to well up in him for now discernible reason. and zacharias has no reason (or time) to talk to this standoffish general of the dead. so. that's a real ships in the night moment.

number three i think líf would still hold the same guilt as in number two, but i don't think it would be as horrifically tragic, so i think it's more likely he'd be willing to approach zacharias. he does appear to have even worse of a thing than alfonse about not opening oneself up to people, but i think that even if he's líf, he once was an alfonse, and being that this is me answering this, i don't think any alfonse can really keep away from a zacharias for very long. its a version of the person who once knew him as well as any other person in the world. like líf can't really seem to stop himself from associating with main sharena, i don't think he could stop himself from reaching out in his own way to main zacharias. and god does that man need some more friends. i think zacharias would probably be a little frightened of líf, and of what an alfonse could become. but i think probably... i feel like a lot of book i issues stem from the fact that, justified or not, zacharias thinks alfonse would risk anything, any harm to save him. i don't know that confronting an alfonse who literally risked everything and did all harm to save his world would be a comfort, but i do think zacharias would get a lot out of having someone who's already done the worst they can do. been there, done that, got the tshirt. i think zacharias would be a little afraid of what an alfonse could become, but i think he would no longer have to be afraid of... no, anxious about it. i think there's a kind of calm in having something confirmed that zacharias could appreciate. healthy? unhealthy? fuck if i know. i also think that in líf, zacharias has a friend who he can't physically hurt anymore. lífs already dead. been there done there got the.... glowing gel torso. i think, curse nonewithstanding, zacharias will always have some degree of tension and fear about hurting people he's in a relationship with, be that because of his issues with abandonment, of abandoning, of harm, etc. but you know. líf's kind of a rock. and he's already hit his rock bottom, now that i'm thinking about rocks. i think that kind of steady, placid deathness could really help zacharias. and i think he would find it soothing, whether or not he knew why.

plus he will be able to know that if the curse gets him, if he dies... he'll still have a friend in the realm of the dead. he doesnt have to be so afraid of leaving and getting left

so there we go! lots of musings. i have been thinkin about why my headcanons are less that and more elaborate branching theories, and i think it is because i would change my opinion depending on which story i wanted to tell or hear or see.so yeah. dunno which one of these answers belongs to the question, what does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir?, but hopefully at least one of them is interesting to read about!

OH also. i think he would be petty-ly annoyed about them cribing líf and thrasir's name. like full on scholar petty. probably showed up to the order in a nerdy huff excited to meet the actual factual líf and thrasir and turns out its just those two, sitting around glowing and reciting death metal lyrics like they're spoken word ballads. dont think he'd get over that ever.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[bonickhausen]

an update

hi! i am still alive.

i had to move out to another apartment. i like it here: it is larger and i am free to do whatever the fuck i want. i can talk to my friends over on discord late at night and nobody gives a shit. i can cook my meals at 4am and i dont have to worry about waking someone up. 

i’m living all by myself. due to the pandemic, i’m not seeing or talking to anyone so i just got used to talking to myself. i’ve always had the habit of striking silent conversations with myself and despite the fact that actually talking out loud feels weird at times it helps ease the feeling of loneliness and it helps me focus when i need to. 

i have been feeling a wide variety of emotions lately. in a way, this is the calmest i’ve ever been when it comes to dealing with other people: for as long as i can remember ive felt the need to try and meet new people and have their approval in some shape or form and i dont think i feel this with such intensity anymore. in a sense this is boring; it feels like apathy at times and i feel uncaring which doesnt sound healthy to me. 

i miss so many things. i guess this is part of growing up. it’s weird. the passage of time makes me feel things i can’t properly describe. i guess i feel sadness and i feel hopeful and i miss things yet i cant wait to see what things are going to be like. i dont think i’ve ever feared for my future and i still dont. ignorance might be bliss.

i want to lose things. this is something i have been thinking a lot about lately, i want to lose things. when i get bored of something i just tend to ditch it and start from scratch and i cant tell whether this is disregard or boredom but i sometimes think about moving somewhere else in the near future and starting everything over from scratch, find me a new job in another context and introduce myself with yet another name and leave everything behind. i sometimes want to lose it all. this feeling is not the product of some kind of dissatisfaction but rather of curiosity, a feeling of my-grass-could-be-greener that i just cant seem to shake off. i sometimes feel like i am stagnating and i dont want that. i dont want to stick to anything because the moment that happens is the moment i start to stagnate and this is my one anxiety that i just cannot control for the life of me, my huge fear of stagnation, of halting and catching fire, this weird dread that i have got to do something grand to push away what resembles a feeling of worthlessness

it’s been two months since i started talking to a psychiatrist. she helps me see things clearly as there are times my judgement is impaired by my feelings. i think i am doing a good job at keeping these feelings at bay even though they sometimes leak through. i have for so long bathed in bad habits and toxic behaviours but i am really trying my best to change. 

i have decided against talking to other people about most of my problems as i dont want anyone to have to put up with my shit and quite frankly even i cant really compreheend many of the things that bother me so i’d rather try and get a better grasp of it all first. i dont want to be a nuisance. unless talking to them about an element happens to solve said element, i’m going to keep it to myself. i wish noone harm and i believe it’s better for everyone if i leave the largest chunks to my psychiatrist. i also fear that telling people about my problems will cause them to distance themselves from me so i’d rather talk to someone who is completely unrelated to my personal life: trusting an absolute stranger with my deepest feelings feels surprisingly good

sadly been overworking lately. landed a reeeeeally neat freelance project with a guy i admire and another freelance project that’s been an absolute bitch. these last few days have been exhausting but it’s almost over. at least the money is really good.

i have been thinking quite a lot about giving creative writing another go as there are many things i want to explore but cant because i’m pretty boring with words.

i have many plans but i dont want to tell anyone about them. telling people things leads to frustration and i want to avoid that.

i have quit facebook and twitter. it’s been great for me. i’ve been avoiding the news over the last few months. i just cant deal with what’s happening right now. i just want everyone to be okay and i want to remain okay.

right now i feel okay.

i might be back in a month or six with another update. these kind of posts are quite handy for me as they help me get a better view of my issues and circumstances so i’m probably going to keep writing these every now and then

bye and thanks for putting up with my shit

[thorne93]

Unforeseen Chasm (Part 60)

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together.

Word Count:3295

Warnings: arguing, sickly Tony, endgame plot Song for this part: Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my novels). It’s a collaboration with the amazing @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​. It started as a funny “What if…?” and it evolved and got huge. This took two years to write. We are both proud and happy and we hope you enjoy it. It follows from Thor 1 to Endgame in the MCU. Some of the timelines may be off in order to fit certain people, and some characters may show up earlier or in different ways than they have in the movie. But for the most part, it follows the MCU. It also has a bit of crossover with some other Marvel characters throughout the story.

Masterlist for Unforeseen Chasm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once Tony got settled in, you came into his room. Steve looked up to see who had entered. He nudged Rhodey slightly and nodded toward you. The two of them swept past you and out of the room, leaving only you, Shannon, and Tony. 

“Hey, Tony,” you greeted softly as you stepped in, nervously fidgeting with your hands. 

“Hey, kid,” he greeted. “Where’s Reindeer games?” he asked. 

Your throat closed as you frowned, tears welling in your eyes before you glanced away. 

Shannon leaned forward slightly on the bed, squeezing his hand. “Tony, he..” she started, glancing to you. “He’s one of the vanished,” she finished. 

Tony glanced to you, sympathy in his eyes. “Shit, my bad. I… Sorry,” he mumbled. 

You took a deep breath and turned back to him, trying to move past the pain to ask what you needed to know. “Tony, I was wondering… Well.. I know Shannon said you went after Stephen on the spaceship. Did he..um…” 

“He vanished too. I’m sorry,” he informed, sympathy in his voice. 

All you could do was bite your lip and nod before you started to sob. You didn’t want them to see you like this, but there was no time to hold in the pain. 

Shannon quickly jumped up to hug you tightly.

“I’ll give you two some time to talk,” she offered. She thought maybe Tony would tell you of his final moments or something. Tony and you had become quite close during and after the Accords. 

Once the door shut to the room, you took a seat next to his bed, the opposite side of where Shannon had been. 

“How are you feeling?” you asked gently. 

“Better, now that I’m on Earth. But forget me. I’m alive. Shannon filled me in on what happened in Wakanda. She hadn’t gotten to...Loki.” 

“It’s fine,” you assured, shaking your head slightly. “So did uh… did Stephen say anything before...” That was all you could get out. Losing Loki was hard enough, but to start to relive another friend’s death was torment. 

“Well, Dr. Strange ultimately gave up the time stone to save me, which frankly I didn’t see why he would have, but right before all of that happened, he did say that out of all the outcomes there was only one where we win.” He stopped to get a drink of water. “Giving up the stone might have been part of the plan..I-I’m still not quite sure.”

For a moment, you frowned. “Stephen… gave the time stone up to… save you? That doesn’t sound like him,” you assessed.

“I’m not even sure if it was for my sake really, there must be more as to why he did that.” Tony shrugged, scratching himself. “You knew him well enough. Would he willingly give something up for the sake of something bigger?”

“I know he would,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes. “I’m not saying your life isn’t worth a great deal, Tony. You mean a lot to a lot of people, including me. But I know Stephen, at least, I like to think I do. I don’t think he would’ve given it up if it weren't of vital importance. Did he say or do anything else?” 

“After he gave up the stone, Thanos left through the portal he had created and then Pet--the kid said he didn't feel so good and then became dust in my arms.” Tony got quiet for a bit focusing on not letting his voice quiver. “And the only thing that Stephen said was ‘We’re in the endgame now’ and then vanished… But about Wakanda, what did you see? Were you with Loki when it happened or…?” He looked up to you. “Did he get to say anything before disappearing?

You bit your lip again, hoping you wouldn’t break the skin to keep from crying. But at this point, it didn’t matter. You let the tears fall freely, talking with a thick voice. “He, uh… He was trying to tell me that he loved me. I kept talking, asking him what was so important right now during the battle that couldn’t wait. I wish I would’ve just shut my mouth...” You hung your head and shook it, the pain becoming overbearing. “He...we were right next to each other. I should’ve been watching Vision. It should’ve been me, not Wanda. I was stuck on the field protecting... Well… everyone. When Thanos came, I could’ve stopped him I could’ve--” You cut your speech short, trying not to get wrapped up in the anger of it all. Tony had asked you about Loki, you needed to focus on that. Not Thanos. “Loki asked me… or he tried to ask me to … He tried to ask me to marry him. He was cut short because of the snap but he got enough out for me to make it out.” With that, you finally looked up to Tony with red, puffy eyes. You hadn’t told a soul, for fear it would rip you apart. 

“Oh, Y/N, I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how much you and Reindeer Games loved each other. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this alone. I hope Shannon has been there to console you during this time.” He stopped and he patted the spot next to him. You immediately left your chair and sat next to him on the bed. “I know there’s not much we know now but I will promise you this if there’s even a remote chance I can find a way to bring everyone back or even just him, I will okay?” He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and squeezed you close.

You nodded fervently, resting your head on his shoulder. “We’ve come a long way since New York, haven’t we?” You slightly laughed. “The worst part is… I didn’t even get to say yes.” And that was it -- the true floodgates opened and you were violently sobbing to the point of him just holding you close. Tony had lost a lot too. He’d lost Peter. He lost members of the Avengers. But he at least still had Shannon and Rhodey and others he cherished, and he knew this. 

For you though, he knew you’d lost a great deal more. 

-------------------------------

By the next morning, everyone met to reconvene to discuss things. Rhodey told everyone it’d been 23 days since the snap, and that Natsha had confirmed by the remaining governments that half of all life had been wiped out. 

“Where is he now? Where?” Tony demanded as he sat at the table, hooked up to his IV in a robe. He still looked like shit but at least he had some fight back. Last night he seemed almost delirious. 

You stood in the room with everyone, nothing to say, nothing to add. You just wanted… well you weren’t sure what you wanted. You just needed to hear maybe what had happened. Maybe what had happened with Strange. Maybe there would be a clue on how to get them back. 

“We don’t know. He just opened a portal and walked through,” Steve informed and those words sent a sad rage through you. 

Tony turned and saw Thor. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked. 

“Oh, he's pissed. He thinks he failed. Which of course he did, but you know there's a lot of that's going around, ain't there?” Rocket answered. 

“Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-A-Bear,” Tony sarcastically said looking at the creature.

Dejectedly, Rocket said, “Maybe I am.”

“We've been hunting Thanos for three weeks now. Deep Space scans, and satellites, and we got nothing. Tony, you fought him,” Steve stated.

“Who told you that?” He looked over at Cap, surprised. “I didn't fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street Magician gave away the store. That's what happened. There was no fight.” Tony retorted beginning to get upset.

He nodded, understanding that Tony was upset. “Okay.”

“He's unbeatable,” he replied dejectedly.

“Did he give you any clues, any coordinates, anything?” Steve pried, hoping to get Tony to focus up and provide something they could use.

“Pfft! I saw this coming a few years back. I had a vision. I didn't wanna believe it.” He looked off to remember from long ago. “ Thought I was dreaming.”

“Tony, I'm gonna need you to focus,” Steve urged, desperate to find Thanos.

Seethingly, he looked up at Steve “And I needed you. As in past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late, buddy. Sorry. You know what I need?”  Tony stood, pushing things off the table with a clatter. Everyone winced at the loud noise. “I need to shave. And I believe I remember telling all youse—” he stopped and began to walk towards Steve. Rhodey quickly came in front of him, trying to stop him.

Rhodey stopped him, cautioning him, “Tony, Tony, Tony!”

“Alive and otherwise, what we needed was a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not-- that's what we needed!” His voice was getting louder as he reminded the super soldier of what he had said before.

“Well, that didn't work out, did it?” Steve argued, becoming angry and upset himself.

Clearly, he said, “I said, ‘We'll lose’. You said, ‘We'll do that together too.’ And guess what, Cap?” He stopped for a moment  and pointed at Steve. “We lost. And you weren't there. But that's what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We're the Avengers, we're the Avengers. Not the Prevengers.”

“Okay,” Rhodey tried, holding Tony upright and away from Steve.

“Right?” Tony asked again.

“You made your point. Just sit down,” Rhodey all but begged, wanting this nastiness to be over.

“Okay…”

“Okay?” he asked, unsure if Tony would actually listen.

 Shaking his head Tony responds “Nah, nah. Here's my point. You know what?” 

“Tony, you're sick,” Rhodey reminded.

“She's great, by the way.” Tony points to Carol on the other side of the room.

“Sit down. Sit,” Rhodey ordered.

“We need you. You're new blood. Bunch of tired old mules!” Tony walked right up to Steve's face, his voice hushing down to a venomous whisper. “I got nothing for you, Cap! I got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust. Liar.” At that same moment, Tony grabbed at his chest, ripping the nanotechnology arc reactor off his chest. He placed it in Steve’s hand. “Here, take this. You find him, and you put that on. You hide.”

After all that fighting, Tony fell to the ground. Steve and Shannon were by his side and everyone is starting to gather around him.

“Tony!” Steve said with concern as Tony fell down.

“I'm fine. I…” Tony managed to get out before collapsing and being rendered unconscious.

Everyone in the room made a move towards him, quickly getting him to a bed.

Moments later, Tony was resting in the room nearby, with Shannon at his side. From that point on he would have to be bed ridden until he was back to his normal health. Rhodey walked out of the room, informing everyone, “Bruce gave him a sedative. He's gonna probably be out for the rest of the day.”

“You guys take care of him. And I'll bring him a Xorrian Elixir when I come back,” Carol stated as she started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Nat asked after her.

“To kill Thanos,” she confidently informed. 

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, and somewhat offense. Why did she think she was capable?

“Hey, you know, we usually work as a team here, and between you and I, morale's a little fragile,” Natasha explained.

“We realize up there is more your territory, but this is our fight too,” Steve reminded.

“You even know where he is?” Rhodey asked.

“I know people who might.”

“Don’t bother,” Nebula suddenly said from behind everyone. She stood in the doorway. “I can tell you where Thanos is.” 

You turned to face her, emotions returning to your body very quickly. You were blinded by rage in an instant. All you’d wanted since Loki disappeared was to find Thanos, use the stones, and kill him. That was it. And she held the key to it all and she’d withheld it for twenty-four hours.

She led everyone into a room with a holographic map. She and Rocket explained where he was and how to get there. 

Everyone was in disbelief. You’d all been waiting for this, having no idea the chance to go after him would come so soon. 

“We’d be going in short handed, you know,” Bruce reminded uneasily.

Rhody chimed in, “Look he still has the stones, so....”

“So let’s go get him… Use them to bring everyone back,” Carol added in. 

“Just like that?” Rhodey asked. 

“Yeah just like that,” Steve affirmed. 

Natasha added, “Even if there's a small chance that we can undo this... I mean we owe it to everyone who's not in this room to try.” A pang of heartache hit your chest at her words. 

“If we do this, how do we know it's gonna end any differently than it did before?” Bruce asked desperately. 

“Because before, you didn't have me,” Carol answered. 

“Not to mention I’ll be offense, instead of defense. Thor and I made mistakes. We can right them this time,” you answered. “This is our one shot, and I think every soul in this room is ready to give it everything they’ve got,” you reminded ominously. 

Thor walked up and called stormbreaker, right next to Carol’s body, judging her, sizing her up. She didn’t even blink at the gesture. “I like this one,” Thor announced before he smiled. 

In one sense you felt somewhat proud of this new Carol Danvers for winning Thor over. In another sense, it almost made you feel like she was replacing you. You and Thor used to have a special bond. Now, it appeared that bond would belong to them. 

“Let’s go get this son of a bitch,” Steve said as he glanced to all of you. 

Steve rallied the troops as you all agreed to go after this bastard and bring everyone back. Everyone talked about how they would approach, how they would attack, who would hit where. This time, you weren’t a quiet pawn sitting in a field. You were one of the heavy hitters, using every resource they had. 

All of you boarded the ship, and set navigation for “The Garden” as Nebula referred to it. Once outside of the planet, Carol said she’d head down for recon. When she got back, she said that there was no army or defense, it was just him. 

“And that’s enough,” Nebula said and you almost wanted to say, ‘You can say that again’ but you refrained. 

You shared a look of worry with Shannon before she squeezed your hand. The two of you knew this could just make everything so much worse. But you both had that small flame of hope that maybe… it could make everything better. In a few moments, maybe you’d have Loki back.

That was enough to ignite your heart. 

All of you invaded the atmosphere, but slowly, deliberately. Surprise was the absolute key. 

Carol was the first to invade. She flew in through the roof, knocking Thanos down, and grabbing his neck. Bruce in the Hulkbuster armor burst from the ground, and grabbed Thanos' Infinity Gauntlet arm. That’s when it was your turn to burst in. You used your dark, purple powers to keep his arm held down, away from his body and kept the gauntlet from closing or snapping. You used your electrical part of your powers from your other hand to keep Thanos subdued in an amount of pain that wouldn’t kill him, but at least disable him. Then Thor came flying in, and chopped off his arm. 

Hearing him scream from pain was probably the absolute best sound you’d ever heard in your life. 

Rocket turned over the gauntlet, and gasped, “Oh no.” 

You glanced down to see why he was upset and when you saw the stones were missing, you were livid. 

“Where are they?” Steve demanded. 

You tried to keep your cool. You knew you couldn’t lose it. You absolutely could not afford to lose it. But you wanted to, so badly. You wanted to just snap and kill him. But you had to know where the stones were. 

“Answer the question,” Carol ordered as she tightened her grip on him. 

Your hands glowed with your magic as you released it in a threat to hurt him further if he didn’t give you what you wanted. Tears were streaking down your face before you even knew it. 

“The universe required correction. After that, the stones served no purpose, beyond temptation,” Thanos answered and you curled your lip in disgust and heartbreak. 

“You murdered trillions!” Bruce yelled, lashing out and pushing Thanos. 

“You should be grateful,” Thanos responded. 

“Grateful is what you’ll be when I give you a swift death,” you promised darkly as you stepped forward. You supercharged your power and poured it into him. He began to cry out from each of your three powers going into him. “Where are the stones?!” you nearly screamed. 

“Gone!” he answered, barely able to speak from the pain. “Reduced to atoms.” 

“You used them two days ago!” Bruce said. 

Shannon put a hand on your shoulder, signaling you to ease up on him. Despite everything telling you not to, your head still had some logic and you knew if you wanted answers you needed to let him breathe. 

Once he resituated, he replied, “I used the stones to destroy the stones. It nearly killed me. But the work is done. It always will be. I am...inevitable.” 

The news of this hit you harder than the initial snap. This was your one shot. This was the sign of hope that everything would be okay. He’d taken that away from you… again… for the last time.

“We have to tear this place apart. He-he-he- has to be lying,” Rhodey tried desperately. You agreed with Rhodey. 

“My father is many things. A liar is not one of them,” Nebula remarked as she stood off to the shadows slightly. 

“Ah, thank you, daughter. Perhaps I treated you too harshly.” 

You and Thor exchanged a look. If he wasn’t lying, then he was of no use. 

You used all of your dark energy to force every one of Thanos’s limbs outright, making him levitate in the air, almost as if he were a star, each limb facing a different direction. The kinetic charge energy, you used to heat Thanos up internally, so that he felt as if he were being boiled alive. Thor swung his ax quickly, and he lobbed off Thanos’s head. 

From the time you’d begun to the time Thor ended it, it was all only a matter of a few seconds, no time to allow anyone to properly respond. In tandem, without saying a word, you and Thor had righted the wrong that had been done to Loki and trillions of others -- a fault that should’ve never happened to begin with.

“What...what did you do?” Rocket asked, desperation and shock in his tone. 

“I went for the head,” Thor answered before he glanced at you for a final time, a look of almost… forgiveness, respect, gratitude, sorrow, and closure all rolled into one was nestled in his eyes. 

Your eyes found Shannon’s full of torment and grief before you walked out of the hut, completely in a daze… completely lost as to what to do in your life now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List: @essie1876​ @magpiegirl80​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @iamwarrenspeace​ @marvel-imagines-yes-please​ @superwholocked527 @missinstantgratification​ @thejemersoninferno​ @rda1989​ @munlis​ @thefridgeismybestie​​ @bubblyanarocks3​​ @igiveupicantthinkofausername​​ @kaliforniacoastalteens​ @feelmyroarrrr​​ @kaelingoat-blog​ @friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo​​ @damalseer​​ @heyitscam99​​ @yknott81​​ @sorryimacrapwriter​​ @glitterquadricorn​​ @xxqueenofisolationxx @little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama @bittersweetunicorm​​ @alyssaj23​​ @sea040561​​ @princess76179​​ @thisismysecrethappyplace​​ @sarahp879​​ @malfoysqueen14​​ @ellallheart​​ @breezy1415​​ @marvelmayo​​ @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @cocosierra94 @hardcollectionworldtrash @capsmuscles​ @marvelloushamilton @paintballkid711​

Loki: @lostinspace33​​ @ultrarebelheart​​ @lenawiinchester​​ @esoltis280​​ @tngrayson​​ @wangdeasang​​ @harrymewmew @jayfantasyatyourservice​​

UC: @lokis-high-priestess​

[quartercirclejab]

final fantasy music hot takes

so a lot of you people who are new to the FF scene may not realize this but there was a time when FF music was actually sort of hard to come by stateside. soundtrack releases were not common in the USA, and the internet had not yet become the all-powerful resource it is today- painstakingly composed (but technologically primitive) .MIDI files were about the best any of us could do for a long, long time (SHOUTOUTS TO MY VGMUSIC.COM HOMIES)

around the mid-2000′s, that began to change as, thanks to Tokyopop’s (remember them?) licensing agreement, soundtracks began to pop up at American retailers dealing in more obscure tunes. the rising tide of FF’s musical popularity came to a head with the announcement of the Dear Friends concert tour

the Dear Friends tour was kind of the predecessor to the Distant Worlds tour that we enjoy today, SE’s first tentative exploration into the world of live performances of Final Fantasy music. i was fortunate enough to see this concert in 2005, and it was one of the most breathtaking things i’d ever seen at the time. to hear this music played live was one thing- to hear it re-arranged for a full orchestra? that was revolutionary

so fast-forward to 2020. what is the state of Final Fantasy music? simply put, it is now ubiquitous. soundtracks spanning the entirety of Final Fantasy’s history are available for free through Spotify, YouTube, and a hundred-thousand other easily accessible sources, and a sizable remix community has emerged around these songs that is growing every day

but you know what i’ve noticed?

when it comes to remixes and rearrangements that bring something fresh and revolutionary to the table, the fans are the ones pushing the envelope and putting out the truly interesting stuff. 

what is Square-Enix themselves doing? well... it’s largely the same thing they’ve been doing for the last 15 years: huge, sweeping orchestral arrangements made for elegant music halls and dramatic conductors. in 2005, this was groundbreaking stuff- in 2020, when EVERY new FF game is released with a full orchestral soundtrack? it’s utterly standard, and, yes i’ll say it, boring

so here’s my hot takes on how Square-Enix can change their live performances for the better in the new decade

1. PUT THE CLASSICS OUT TO PASTURE

by far, the biggest thing holding Square-Enix back is an attachment to their most well-known work. it’s time to let that go and start exploring some deeper cuts. yes, i’m talking about “One-Winged Angel”, “The Oath”, “Dancing Mad”, “The Dreadful Fight”, “Apocalypse Noctis”, “Liberi Fatali”, “Torn from the Heavens”, all those classics that get constant play while lesser known works get overlooked. IT’S 2020, BRAND RECOGNITION IS SECURE. BE BOLD. PLAY THE DEEP CUTS. GIVE ME A NEW ARRANGEMENT OF “LUCA” OR “THE MAKER’S RUIN” OR “MINING TOWN” GODDAMMIT

2. CHILL OUT WITH THE ORCHESTRAS AND THE CHOIRS

as mentioned above, this stuff that was once seen as revolutionary is now old hat, and it’s frankly getting dull at this point. IT IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE TO TAKE A SONG THAT WAS ALREADY ORCHESTRAL TO BEGIN WITH, DO A NEW ORCHESTRAL VERSION, THROW UNNECESSARY CHOIR ACCOMPANIMENT IN THERE AND CALL IT DONE, YES I AM LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU, “PRIMAL JUDGMENT” FROM DISTANT WORLDS IV. this series has a long and storied history with unusual instruments- use them! bust out the synthesizers! get interesting! CALM DOWN WITH THE LATIN CHANTING, IT IS NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS IT WAS IN 1997

3. RETIRE THE OLD WARHORSES

and yes, i am talking directly about longtime director Arnie Roth and longtime vocalist Susan Calloway. i love their work and always will, but it has been 15 years, i think it’s long past time to cede the floor to a new generation and see what new interpretations they can come up with

4. INVOLVE THE FANS

this is the real spicy take here, but it’s the absolute truth and SE needs to recognize it: Final Fantasy music and live performances of it are popular today because fans kept it alive in the years before this stuff was commercially available. fan remixes are often some of the most inventive arrangements there are (vs SE’s official rearrangements, many of which are the same ones they’ve been using for 15 years), and they’re being made with all the love in the world for this franchise. isn’t it time to acknowledge that?

not that i expect anything to come of me shouting into the void on my lil blog in the middle of nowhere, please look forward to DISTANT WORLDS VI which will contain 15 versions of “ONE-WINGED ANGEL”

[mrs-dragneel-stark-solo]

Unforseen Chasm (Part 60)

Part 60 of Unforseen Chasm

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together. Word Count: 3295 Warnings: Language, arguing, sickly Tony, endgame plot Song for this part: Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my other fic series). first major Collab with my best friend @thorne93​​ what was first a simple “what if” moment turned into a two year writing session and I’ve never been more prouder of myself than when i started my first series. goes through most of the MCU plots there are some changes to accommodate for what we wanted and there is a bit of a crossover between the MCU and other characters. I hope you guys enjoy reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Once Tony got settled in, you came into his room. Steve looked up to see who had entered. He nudged Rhodey slightly and nodded toward you. The two of them swept past you and out of the room, leaving only you, Shannon, and Tony. 

“Hey, Tony,” you greeted softly as you stepped in, nervously fidgeting with your hands. 

“Hey, kid,” he greeted. “Where’s Reindeer games?” he asked. 

Your throat closed as you frowned, tears welling in your eyes before you glanced away. 

Shannon leaned forward slightly on the bed, squeezing his hand. “Tony, he..” she started, glancing to you. “He’s one of the vanished,” she finished. 

Tony glanced to you, sympathy in his eyes. “Shit, my bad. I… Sorry,” he mumbled. 

You took a deep breath and turned back to him, trying to move past the pain to ask what you needed to know. “Tony, I was wondering… Well.. I know Shannon said you went after Stephen on the spaceship. Did he..um…” 

“He vanished too. I’m sorry,” he informed, sympathy in his voice. 

All you could do was bite your lip and nod before you started to sob. You didn’t want them to see you like this, but there was no time to hold in the pain. 

Shannon quickly jumped up to hug you tightly. 

“I’ll give you two some time to talk,” she offered. She thought maybe Tony would tell you of his final moments or something. Tony and you had become quite close during and after the Accords. 

Once the door shut to the room, you took a seat next to his bed, the opposite side of where Shannon had been. 

“How are you feeling?” you asked gently. 

“Better, now that I’m on Earth. But forget me. I’m alive. Shannon filled me in on what happened in Wakanda. She hadn’t gotten to...Loki.” 

“It’s fine,” you assured, shaking your head slightly. “So did uh… did Stephen say anything before...” That was all you could get out. Losing Loki was hard enough, but to start to relive another friend’s death was torment. 

“Well, Dr. Strange ultimately gave up the time stone to save me, which frankly I didn’t see why he would have, but right before all of that happened, he did say that out of all the outcomes there was only one where we win.” He stopped to get a drink of water. “Giving up the stone might have been part of the plan..I-I’m still not quite sure.”

For a moment, you frowned. “Stephen… gave the time stone up to… save you? That doesn’t sound like him,” you assessed.

“I’m not even sure if it was for my sake really, there must be more as to why he did that.” Tony shrugged, scratching himself. “You knew him well enough. Would he willingly give something up for the sake of something bigger?”

“I know he would,” you whispered, tears filling your eyes. “I’m not saying your life isn’t worth a great deal, Tony. You mean a lot to a lot of people, including me. But I know Stephen, at least, I like to think I do. I don’t think he would’ve given it up if it weren't of vital importance. Did he say or do anything else?” 

“After he gave up the stone, Thanos left through the portal he had created and then Pet--the kid said he didn't feel so good and then became dust in my arms.” Tony got quiet for a bit focusing on not letting his voice quiver. “And the only thing that Stephen said was ‘We’re in the endgame now’ and then vanished… But about Wakanda, what did you see? Were you with Loki when it happened or…?” He looked up to you. “Did he get to say anything before disappearing?

You bit your lip again, hoping you wouldn’t break the skin to keep from crying. But at this point, it didn’t matter. You let the tears fall freely, talking with a thick voice. “He, uh… He was trying to tell me that he loved me. I kept talking, asking him what was so important right now during the battle that couldn’t wait. I wish I would’ve just shut my mouth...” You hung your head and shook it, the pain becoming overbearing. “He...we were right next to each other. I should’ve been watching Vision. It should’ve been me, not Wanda. I was stuck on the field protecting... Well… everyone. When Thanos came, I could’ve stopped him I could’ve--” You cut your speech short, trying not to get wrapped up in the anger of it all. Tony had asked you about Loki, you needed to focus on that. Not Thanos. “Loki asked me… or he tried to ask me to … He tried to ask me to marry him. He was cut short because of the snap but he got enough out for me to make it out.” With that, you finally looked up to Tony with red, puffy eyes. You hadn’t told a soul, for fear it would rip you apart. 

“Oh, Y/N, I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how much you and Reindeer Games loved each other. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this alone. I hope Shannon has been there to console you during this time.” He stopped and he patted the spot next to him. You immediately left your chair and sat next to him on the bed. “I know there’s not much we know now but I will promise you this if there’s even a remote chance I can find a way to bring everyone back or even just him, I will okay?” He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and squeezed you close.

You nodded fervently, resting your head on his shoulder. “We’ve come a long way since New York, haven’t we?” You slightly laughed. “The worst part is… I didn’t even get to say yes.” And that was it -- the true floodgates opened and you were violently sobbing to the point of him just holding you close. Tony had lost a lot too. He’d lost Peter. He lost members of the Avengers. But he at least still had Shannon and Rhodey and others he cherished, and he knew this. 

For you though, he knew you’d lost a great deal more. 

-------------------------------

By the next morning, everyone met to reconvene to discuss things. Rhodey told everyone it’d been 23 days since the snap, and that Natsha had confirmed by the remaining governments that half of all life had been wiped out. 

“Where is he now? Where?” Tony demanded as he sat at the table, hooked up to his IV in a robe. He still looked like shit but at least he had some fight back. Last night he seemed almost delirious. 

You stood in the room with everyone, nothing to say, nothing to add. You just wanted… well you weren’t sure what you wanted. You just needed to hear maybe what had happened. Maybe what had happened with Strange. Maybe there would be a clue on how to get them back. 

“We don’t know. He just opened a portal and walked through,” Steve informed and those words sent a sad rage through you. 

Tony turned and saw Thor. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked. 

“Oh, he's pissed. He thinks he failed. Which of course he did, but you know there's a lot of that's going around, ain't there?” Rocket answered. 

“Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-A-Bear,” Tony sarcastically said looking at the creature.

Dejectedly, Rocket said, “Maybe I am.”

“We've been hunting Thanos for three weeks now. Deep Space scans, and satellites, and we got nothing. Tony, you fought him,” Steve stated.

“Who told you that?” He looked over at Cap, surprised. “I didn't fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street Magician gave away the store. That's what happened. There was no fight.” Tony retorted beginning to get upset.

He nodded, understanding that Tony was upset. “Okay.”

“He's unbeatable,” he replied dejectedly.

“Did he give you any clues, any coordinates, anything?” Steve pried, hoping to get Tony to focus up and provide something they could use.

“Pfft! I saw this coming a few years back. I had a vision. I didn't wanna believe it.” He looked off to remember from long ago. “ Thought I was dreaming.”

“Tony, I'm gonna need you to focus,” Steve urged, desperate to find Thanos.

Seethingly, he looked up at Steve “And I needed you. As in past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late, buddy. Sorry. You know what I need?”  Tony stood, pushing things off the table with a clatter. Everyone winced at the loud noise. “I need to shave. And I believe I remember telling all youse—” he stopped and began to walk towards Steve. Rhodey quickly came in front of him, trying to stop him.

Rhodey stopped him, cautioning him, “Tony, Tony, Tony!”

“Alive and otherwise, what we needed was a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not-- that's what we needed!” His voice was getting louder as he reminded the super soldier of what he had said before.

“Well, that didn't work out, did it?” Steve argued, becoming angry and upset himself.

Clearly, he said, “I said, ‘We'll lose’. You said, ‘We'll do that together too.’ And guess what, Cap?” He stopped for a moment  and pointed at Steve. “We lost. And you weren't there. But that's what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We're the Avengers, we're the Avengers. Not the Prevengers.”

“Okay,” Rhodey tried, holding Tony upright and away from Steve.

“Right?” Tony asked again.

“You made your point. Just sit down,” Rhodey all but begged, wanting this nastiness to be over.

“Okay…”

“Okay?” he asked, unsure if Tony would actually listen.

 Shaking his head Tony responds “Nah, nah. Here's my point. You know what?” 

“Tony, you're sick,” Rhodey reminded.

“She's great, by the way.” Tony points to Carol on the other side of the room.

“Sit down. Sit,” Rhodey ordered.

“We need you. You're new blood. Bunch of tired old mules!” Tony walked right up to Steve's face, his voice hushing down to a venomous whisper. “I got nothing for you, Cap! I got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust. Liar.” At that same moment, Tony grabbed at his chest, ripping the nanotechnology arc reactor off his chest. He placed it in Steve’s hand. “Here, take this. You find him, and you put that on. You hide.”

After all that fighting, Tony fell to the ground. Steve and Shannon were by his side and everyone is starting to gather around him.

“Tony!” Steve said with concern as Tony fell down.

“I'm fine. I…” Tony managed to get out before collapsing and being rendered unconscious.

Everyone in the room made a move towards him, quickly getting him to a bed.

Moments later, Tony was resting in the room nearby, with Shannon at his side. From that point on he would have to be bed ridden until he was back to his normal health. Rhodey walked out of the room, informing everyone, “Bruce gave him a sedative. He's gonna probably be out for the rest of the day.”

“You guys take care of him. And I'll bring him a Xorrian Elixir when I come back,” Carol stated as she started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Nat asked after her.

“To kill Thanos,” she confidently informed. 

You raised your eyebrows in surprise, and somewhat offense. Why did she think she was capable?

“Hey, you know, we usually work as a team here, and between you and I, morale's a little fragile,” Natasha explained.

“We realize up there is more your territory, but this is our fight too,” Steve reminded.

“You even know where he is?” Rhodey asked.

“I know people who might.”

“Don’t bother,” Nebula suddenly said from behind everyone. She stood in the doorway. “I can tell you where Thanos is.” 

You turned to face her, emotions returning to your body very quickly. You were blinded by rage in an instant. All you’d wanted since Loki disappeared was to find Thanos, use the stones, and kill him. That was it. And she held the key to it all and she’d withheld it for twenty-four hours.

She led everyone into a room with a holographic map. She and Rocket explained where he was and how to get there. 

Everyone was in disbelief. You’d all been waiting for this, having no idea the chance to go after him would come so soon. 

“We’d be going in short handed, you know,” Bruce reminded uneasily.

Rhody chimed in, “Look he still has the stones, so....”

“So let’s go get him… Use them to bring everyone back,” Carol added in. 

“Just like that?” Rhodey asked. 

“Yeah just like that,” Steve affirmed. 

Natasha added, “Even if there's a small chance that we can undo this... I mean we owe it to everyone who's not in this room to try.” A pang of heartache hit your chest at her words. 

“If we do this, how do we know it's gonna end any differently than it did before?” Bruce asked desperately. 

“Because before, you didn't have me,” Carol answered. 

“Not to mention I’ll be offense, instead of defense. Thor and I made mistakes. We can right them this time,” you answered. “This is our one shot, and I think every soul in this room is ready to give it everything they’ve got,” you reminded ominously. 

Thor walked up and called stormbreaker, right next to Carol’s body, judging her, sizing her up. She didn’t even blink at the gesture. “I like this one,” Thor announced before he smiled. 

In one sense you felt somewhat proud of this new Carol Danvers for winning Thor over. In another sense, it almost made you feel like she was replacing you. You and Thor used to have a special bond. Now, it appeared that bond would belong to them. 

“Let’s go get this son of a bitch,” Steve said as he glanced to all of you. 

Steve rallied the troops as you all agreed to go after this bastard and bring everyone back. Everyone talked about how they would approach, how they would attack, who would hit where. This time, you weren’t a quiet pawn sitting in a field. You were one of the heavy hitters, using every resource they had. 

All of you boarded the ship, and set navigation for “The Garden” as Nebula referred to it. Once outside of the planet, Carol said she’d head down for recon. When she got back, she said that there was no army or defense, it was just him. 

“And that’s enough,” Nebula said and you almost wanted to say, ‘You can say that again’ but you refrained. 

You shared a look of worry with Shannon before she squeezed your hand. The two of you knew this could just make everything so much worse. But you both had that small flame of hope that maybe… it could make everything better. In a few moments, maybe you’d have Loki back.

That was enough to ignite your heart. 

All of you invaded the atmosphere, but slowly, deliberately. Surprise was the absolute key. 

Carol was the first to invade. She flew in through the roof, knocking Thanos down, and grabbing his neck. Bruce in the Hulkbuster armor burst from the ground, and grabbed Thanos' Infinity Gauntlet arm. That’s when it was your turn to burst in. You used your dark, purple powers to keep his arm held down, away from his body and kept the gauntlet from closing or snapping. You used your electrical part of your powers from your other hand to keep Thanos subdued in an amount of pain that wouldn’t kill him, but at least disable him. Then Thor came flying in, and chopped off his arm. 

Hearing him scream from pain was probably the absolute best sound you’d ever heard in your life. 

Rocket turned over the gauntlet, and gasped, “Oh no.” 

You glanced down to see why he was upset and when you saw the stones were missing, you were livid. 

“Where are they?” Steve demanded. 

You tried to keep your cool. You knew you couldn’t lose it. You absolutely could not afford to lose it. But you wanted to, so badly. You wanted to just snap and kill him. But you had to know where the stones were. 

“Answer the question,” Carol ordered as she tightened her grip on him. 

Your hands glowed with your magic as you released it in a threat to hurt him further if he didn’t give you what you wanted. Tears were streaking down your face before you even knew it. 

“The universe required correction. After that, the stones served no purpose, beyond temptation,” Thanos answered and you curled your lip in disgust and heartbreak. 

“You murdered trillions!” Bruce yelled, lashing out and pushing Thanos. 

“You should be grateful,” Thanos responded. 

“Grateful is what you’ll be when I give you a swift death,” you promised darkly as you stepped forward. You supercharged your power and poured it into him. He began to cry out from each of your three powers going into him. “Where are the stones?!” you nearly screamed. 

“Gone!” he answered, barely able to speak from the pain. “Reduced to atoms.” 

“You used them two days ago!” Bruce said. 

Shannon put a hand on your shoulder, signaling you to ease up on him. Despite everything telling you not to, your head still had some logic and you knew if you wanted answers you needed to let him breathe. 

Once he resituated, he replied, “I used the stones to destroy the stones. It nearly killed me. But the work is done. It always will be. I am...inevitable.” 

The news of this hit you harder than the initial snap. This was your one shot. This was the sign of hope that everything would be okay. He’d taken that away from you… again… for the last time.

“We have to tear this place apart. He-he-he- has to be lying,” Rhodey tried desperately. You agreed with Rhodey. 

“My father is many things. A liar is not one of them,” Nebula remarked as she stood off to the shadows slightly. 

“Ah, thank you, daughter. Perhaps I treated you too harshly.” 

You and Thor exchanged a look. If he wasn’t lying, then he was of no use. 

You used all of your dark energy to force every one of Thanos’s limbs outright, making him levitate in the air, almost as if he were a star, each limb facing a different direction. The kinetic charge energy, you used to heat Thanos up internally, so that he felt as if he were being boiled alive. Thor swung his ax quickly, and he lobbed off Thanos’s head. 

From the time you’d begun to the time Thor ended it, it was all only a matter of a few seconds, no time to allow anyone to properly respond. In tandem, without saying a word, you and Thor had righted the wrong that had been done to Loki and trillions of others -- a fault that should’ve never happened to begin with.

“What...what did you do?” Rocket asked, desperation and shock in his tone. 

“I went for the head,” Thor answered before he glanced at you for a final time, a look of almost… forgiveness, respect, gratitude, sorrow, and closure all rolled into one was nestled in his eyes. 

Your eyes found Shannon’s full of torment and grief before you walked out of the hut, completely in a daze… completely lost as to what to do in your life now.  

Unforseen Chasm Tag list- @reigningqueenofwords​ @oldfreakything​ @adefectivedetective​ @dontbetooobvious​

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Marvel: @reigningqueenofwords​ @flowerbunbunny​ @zelda2248​ @misz-adrii​

[everyman0]

WALLS TO BREAK US

so i know i dropped all communication for the past several months...and evans fucking journal might have you believe i sat on my ass the entire time but that isnt the case. I didnt intend on sharing this information, frankly. but my time is running out now, evans already gone. this account of events will be all i have left.

i cant leave this place. i dont even know where the fuck i am supposed to be to begin with.

there is a house. a neighborhood. stores. a town. but nothing has a name.

there are people, but despite the gift of sight i was given, i see nothing of them. like empty thoughts given a shell to walk around in.

i thought at first, a couple months ago when i was first allowed to walk outside again, that they were real and that i was simply too overwhelmed with shock to really notice what was wrong here. but now i see it. i see it because there is nothing to see. these people aren't people at all, more like ghosts. 

at least im not entirely alone. there's still the house and asterion.

ive walked to the store many times, even got assaulted in the parking lot. Was that guy a ghost too? I dont know. but i havent only gone to the store - ive walked around the entire town. know what i finally realized, several days after i had made that exploratory journey?

there are no cars here. none being sold, none being driven, absolutely fucking nothing. no bikes either. no skates, no skateboards, no heelies wheelies or fucking feelies. not a single mode of transportation of any kind.

theres a bus stop though! thank fuck for that! oh wait, it's fucking useless. i have not once seen a bus in this god forsaken place.

imagine the anguish i felt upon realizing that despite being able to steal groceries just fine, i cant even hope to steal a car to drive as far away as i can from this hellhole. but it doesnt stop there.

of course it doesnt.

so alright, no cars. but i still had my legs, right? (and still do, somehow.)

so i figured if i cant drive away, i could at least saunter the fuck out of this place and maybe determine some sense of location on planet fucking earth. i set out. i walked in one direction from the house to the town and onward. and onward. and onward. for five fucking hours.

i found nothing.

but it wasnt your average nothingness like that of a long rural road, as it had originally appeared to me. no...instead, i eventually encountered what i call the Edge. here, the road stutters into an impossible blackness. here, if you turn your head, you can see how the blackness runs parallel to the world around you, bordering everything for miles. real truman show type shit.

the real kicker is when i discovered that only i can see it.

like any good scientist, i did some experimenting. kicked some cans, threw some rocks, all hurtling in the direction of the black wall. to my surprise, the items phased through it. swallowed might be a better word. i couldnt see or hear if the objects landed on the other side, if there was even a side to land on beyond the boundaries of ink. so then i decided i needed an extra set of eyes, and brought evan along a few days later.

this is the first and last time i let him outside in my care, and for good reason.

we arrived at the Edge, and evan was immediately annoyed at me as i had stopped walking just a few feet before the black wall. i asked him to explain what the problem was. he was like, "dude, you told me there was some shit i had to see and we have been walking forever. where the fuck is it? is this it? because it looks like a whole lot of fucking nothing."

i then asked, "what does this nothing look like to you?"

evan was growing more confused and angry, but i didnt want him to know what i did until i knew what he did first. i didnt want to contaminate his perception by revealing my own. i needed to be thorough and absolutely sure of our experience.

he threw his arms in the air in frustration, "a road, vin. it looks like a road, the same fuckin' cracked asphalt we've been following for miles. forwards and backwards, road."

evan took a step forward, into the blackness. i saw the tip of his foot disappear, sliced by the unfathomable wall. evan didnt seem to notice anything different, standing there with his arms crossed. so then i knew at least one thing for certain: only i could see the wall.

however, until seeing evan's foot just barely phasing through the wall, it hadnt occurred to me if i could pass through it too...or at least touch it. before, when i had been throwing cans and such, i didnt dare get too close to the black edge. i had no idea what would happen, and wasnt particularly interested in finding out at the time. all i could gather was that, just like the rest of the town and even the house herself, it was designed to keep things inside.

as it turns out, evan was not one of those things intended to stay. i stood there pondering silently, and watched as evan began an impatient pacing along the length of the wall. an imperfect, wobbly hobble across the street and back; i saw arms and legs flash in and out of the blackness as evan walked, still taking no notice. evan couldnt see the difference like i could, and he wasnt the prisoner these walls were meant to encase. so who was?

well obviously it's me. at least, i'm somehow a part of the equation i think. and then i figured now was no better a time as any for me to make my approach and reach out - touch the wall, see what happens, inwardly hope it just kills me on the spot, and so on.

but right as i had decided this, i hear evan angrily spitting an expletive and turn, marching off beyond the pitch black walls. guess he was tired of waiting on me, and you know ev - always runs in head first. i word this story now as if this is something i remember fondly about evan, but let me be clear: in that moment of time, standing in the middle of some fucking road behind a maliciously black prison wall, a wall of which evan was now beyond and impossible for me to see any longer? leaving me, alone?

i fucking hate how much of a hardheaded ass evan is sometimes.

i was so caught off guard by evan's sudden disappearance beyond the veil of the Edge that what that meant didn't register until several seconds later when i found myself clamoring towards the wall. i yelled for evan, then screamed for him. my hands meet the black surface with a loud plang as if the wall was made of glass, but the way the wall felt against my skin is indescribable. i wailed my fists against the presumed surface, the noise of the impacts reverberating loudly. this lasted a few minutes.

evan eventually came back...and he seemed just as he were before, except maybe even more annoyed as he began to once again pester me on why i was just standing there wasting time. he got his first round of bitching out before he noticed that i had tears running down my face, looking disheveled.

he changed his tune and asked me what was wrong, what the fuck happened. his confusion was telling - he hadnt heard me screaming for him to come back. i wiped my eyes, faked a chuckle, and told him it was nothing to worry about and that maybe it was best to go home for now and try some other time when im more 'in the present.'

i decided that i wasnt going to tell evan about the Edge, at least not right then. i needed time to gather myself back together, since the resulting panic attack had taken a lot out of me for one day. But even after i had taken that time...

i didnt want evan to know about the wall. fuck, i know its selfish, but i didnt want evan to know that he had the ability to leave this wretched fuckhole but i didnt, that i was trapped and he wasnt. its not because i wanted to spare evan the heartbreak of knowing his friend was doomed...but because i didnt want evan to get the idea that he could abandon me without consequence.

i didnt want evan to use this knowledge as an escape plan to get away from me.

not wanting evan to leave me wasnt the only reason i didnt tell him though. there was still so much i was uncertain about; hell, i still wasnt sure if just being outside the house put evan at risk. i took a chance in taking him to the wall and he lasted well enough during that time...but given what was discovered, even if evan could sit out on the lawn every day and not a thing touch him...the very existence of the wall was a dangerous game of chance.

this is why i did not want evan to go back outside again after this incident. i couldnt trust that he would truly be safe...and i couldnt trust that he wouldn't just run away on me. i completely fucked myself in both ways, though. he's out there getting hurt or dying or already dead because i pushed him far enough to truly fucking hate me.

even now, ive no idea what happened to evan after he ran out of the house. Maybe he never made it past the wall again.

maybe this post is the first time he’s hearing about it.*

*IT IS, YOU SMART BOY. I COULDN’T JUST KILL HIM BEFORE YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF AS A HIDEOUS EXCUSE OF A FRIEND. THE PAIN WILL ADD FLAVOR! MAYBE I’LL GIVE YOU A TASTE.

>>

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[virmillion]

Waves

alternatively, i dont know how to title this but hey @leesacrakon remember that nerd anon who said they wanted to write stuff after reading your story? i was the nerd oops  // i dont love this one ive definitely done better and had a different angle at first but i think it turned out ok  // its kind of angsty? definitely more so at the end just fyi

Words: 4.2k

Song: Waves by Dean Lewis

Pairings: platonic moxiety, morality (it might be romantic? idk i dont know how to write romance)

Warnings: smoking, let me know if there’s more

There is a swelling storm And I’m caught up in the middle of it all And it takes control Of the person that I thought I was The boy I used to know

The moon rises proudly in the sky, shining against the dark night and illuminating a pair of brown eyes. Patton grips the edge of his windowsill, gritting his teeth sharply as the sound of a pen pressed too hard pounds through his ears. Logan, scribbling away with his research. Again. What he wouldn’t give for Virgil’s headphones right now. Rather than mourn the loss of peace in his room, Patton slips across the hall to Logan’s room, knocking softly on the door.

    “Enter,” Logan calls back, his writing not pausing for one second. The handle, cool to the touch, turns easily as the door swings open in silence, as if Logan oils it every day to avoid creaking. Frankly, Patton wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. The room beyond is jarring in its contrasts—a perfectly made bed beside a fully stocked wardrobe, out of which no rumpled clothes are hanging. Against this pristine organization is a scene of utter chaos, crushed papers strewn across the floor between dozens of pencils split down the middle, twins to the dismantled pens with their ink sprayed everywhere. Wading through the sea of trash, Patton arrives at the black desk chair in the corner, above which a tuft of purple hair peeks out. Scattered around the desk are more crumpled papers and broken pens, along with several burn marks on the wooden desk, as well as more than a few cigarette butts.

    “I thought we talked about this,” Patton murmurs, picking one up and rubbing it between his fingers. Logan doesn’t seem to hear, one hand buried in his hair while the other is poised with a black pen over a piece of paper, which is covered in scratched-out words. Ink stains his skin everywhere, and creates splotchy patterns on the desk where it bled through the papers, intermingling with the burn marks. Some even reached his tie, staining the blue irreparably. With a nudge, Patton tries again for Logan’s attention.

    Logan mutters a string of curse words before slamming the pen down on his desk, balling up the paper and chucking it across the room. More ink gets on his hands, and as he turns around to face Patton, his face turns out to have even more from running a hand over it in distress. “What? What is it? I’m busy.”

    “Whatcha workin’ on?” Patton scrapes a few of the cigarette remnants into a garbage can, then sets about fixing up the rest of the room’s mess.

    “Thomas has this big presentation in a week, and no idea how to do it,” Logan sighs, watching Patton putter about like a Roomba. “Virgil’s in overdrive, detailing every last thing that can go wrong, and Roman’s absolutely no help at all. He won’t stop insisting that I add some sort of dramatic flair, to make it seem more impressive.” Logan rubs his temples gently, smudging more ink across his face.

    “Well, what’s it on?” Patton conjures up a paper towel to pick up all the pens, a practical foresight to avoid being covered in ink.

    “Nothing you’d understand,” Logan says. He turns back to his work, pulling a fresh sheet of paper from a stack on the floor. Conversation over, apparently. The angle he grabs the paper at is too sharp, ripping it down the middle as it comes free of the pages above it. An infuriated Logan tears the remainder to shreds, feeding his anger even more. As the bits rain down like confetti, he snaps his head back to Patton, who’s still cleaning up after his research problems. “What are you still doing in here? Get out!” Quite unaccustomed to ever hearing Logan raise his voice unless a falsehood was uttered, Patton freezes, splintered pen in hand. “Are you waiting for a formal letter? I said get out!” Patton scurries out the door, tugging it shut behind him. He couldn’t have moved any faster if you had told him there was a puppy on the other side. The sound of viciously scrawling pens resumes in full force, even angrier.

    Back in his own room, chased by the sounds of Logan’s furious writing, Patton sits on the edge of his bed with a box. A box of old memories, a box of what used to be, a box of before. He rifles through pictures, trinkets, collectible nothings that should have been thrown away years ago, before he grew an attachment to them. When he calls them memories, he isn’t kidding—each individual object is reminiscent of the moment it came from, cherished times for Patton to look back on and smile. A star sticker from when Logan helped Thomas get his first perfect score on a test. The certificate from when Thomas bought and named a star on Logan’s behalf. A conch shell from when Logan argued with Patton over whether the roaring was the ocean calling, or just the blood roaring in his ears. What happened to the Logan that argued in good fun, instead of yelling at Patton? This Logan, the angry one, he has no place in this box. Not until Patton adds in the cigarette butt, cementing the time that Logan yelled at Patton. Actually yelled, not just pretending for fun. A cold shiver, like icy fingers, skitters across Patton’s skin as the memory gets locked down in the box, and locked down in his mind. He can’t say he likes the bad times, but bad times are better than no times at all. Usually.

But there, is a light In the dark, and I feel its warmth In my hands, and my heart Why can’t I hold on?

    A week comes and goes, Thomas survives his presentation, Virgil takes a much-needed break, and Logan cleans his room up. Everything should be fine now. Everything should be solved, just a little bump in the road. Nothing Patton can’t handle. Nothing at all. Not entirely nothing, but mostly. Just one thing. One little something that he can’t ignore. Those burn marks on Logan’s tie, the tie he refuses to change or replace, emitting a heavy smell of smoke that grows stronger by the day.

    “Again?” Patton asks, grabbing Logan by the wrist after recording a long video. He plucks the small white cylinder from between Logan’s fingers before it can be hidden away. “I am bently jegging you, Logan, please drop this habit before it starts hurting Thomas.”

    “Bently jegging?” Logan remarks, avoiding the question.

    “Gently begging, same difference,” Patton says with a wave of his hand. “Just, can you try? For me?” Logan gnaws on the corner of his lip, considering for a moment. One look in Patton’s eyes, and he’s pretty much sold.

    “I’ll try,” he relents, relaxing into a slouch. “I suppose it isn’t the best habit to indulge in. For Thomas’ sake.” The cigarette is passed between hands, after which Patton promptly tosses it in the garbage. Sure, he knows Logan has more, and can always conjure extras, but it’s a step forward.

    “Maybe a hug?” Patton asks, opening his arms. Logan curls his lip slightly before embracing Patton loosely. The same can’t be said of the latter, who squeezes his arms together like a boa constrictor. Through the thick sweater, Patton feels something flicker, a little bit of warmth melting Logan’s cold shell. Progress.

    They only break apart as Virgil passes, giving a weird look at the logical side willingly hugging someone. Logan pushes Patton away quickly, straightening his shirt and mumbling something about getting back to work. Patton gives a soft smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, where the hurt resides. With a matching smile at Virgil, Patton returns to his room.

    Hours later, Patton will sneak out of his room to peek into Logan’s, to which the door is left open. He will peer inside at the clean space and feel relief, but only for a second. He will look closer and see the tiny plume of smoke over the desk and gasp. Logan will hear, and snap a finger to close the door in Patton’s face. Logan will not turn around to watch. Patton will sit in his room with a single light on, and he will wonder what happened to the nice, curious kid from when they were younger. And Patton will be alone.

It comes and goes in waves It always does, it always does We watch as our young hearts fade Into the flood, into the flood

    The clinking of glass is what wakes Patton a few nights later. He hasn’t asked about the smoking, and Logan hasn’t offered anything. Maybe a good sign, since he at least isn’t doing it so openly now, but Patton isn’t so sure. At least a little suspicious, he eases open his door to glance across the hall—lights out in Logan’s room. The other two doors are dark as well, not unusual at—a check of the watch—three in the morning. Patton leaves the lights off and heads for the kitchen by the light of his phone screen, feet padding softly on the carpeted floor. The only bright spot in the house is the bare lightbulbs in the kitchen, made ever brighter as they bounce off of the coffee mugs on the table. Behind those mugs are Logan, Roman, and Virgil, all of whom look like little kids that got caught swiping candy before dinner.

    “Are you kidding me?” Patton asks, his voice cracking.

    “Hey, it’s not what it looks like,” Roman says. “We were just talking, and—”

    “And what?” Patton whispers. “And you didn’t want me here to talk?” He tosses this out like a joke, as if there’s no way that could be the case, but his eyes fill with horror when none of the other three meet his imploring gaze. “Seriously?”

    Logan opens his mouth, certainly about to offer some excuse or another, something completely empty and intended to mollify, not soothe, but Patton isn’t having any of it. He turns on his heel and walks out, leaving silence behind him as the door to his room slams shut. The sound of his memory box crashing to the ground is echoed by the soft noises of clinking coffee mugs down the hall.

    In the dark of his room, Patton smiles to himself. At least they’re bonding, right? Even if it’s not with you, they’re having fun, and that’s the important part. He wipes his cheek, and his fingers come away wet. Funny, he didn’t remember turning on a humidifier.

    That night, Patton does not dream.

    The next morning, Roman does not apologize.

    The next day, Virgil does not look at him.

    The next week, Logan does not care.

    Patton corners the logical side one morning, cutting him off before he can escape to his room for research or something.

    “I just want you to explain one thing,” Patton pleads. “Why are you cutting me off?”

    Logan is quiet for a moment, cleaning his glasses off on his shirt. “It’s not that I want to,” he sighs, pressing his glasses up his nose. “Thomas is just growing up, and we need to grow with him. I’ve moved past the whole childish thing, and it’s high time you do as well.” Leaving Patton stunned, Logan slips away to his room, locking the door behind him.

    He never used to lock the door.

The freedom, of falling A feeling I thought was set in stone It slips through, my fingers I’m trying hard to let go It comes and goes in waves

    It would be so easy to stop caring.

    It would be so easy to let Logan’s friendship slip away.

    It would be so easy to stop trying to hold everything together.

    But that’s not what Patton is about.

    Instead, Patton sticks to Logan’s side like glue, there for every possible memory he could make. Despite all of Logan’s protests, Patton can feel him wearing down, can feel at Logan’s core that the childlike curiosity that once blossomed in Thomas is still there somewhere, still fighting to reach the surface. That’s the Logan Patton remembers, and that’s the Logan Patton intends to bring out. Not this new one, acting as if nothing is important and he doesn’t have feelings. Patton was there for the late night talks, and he knows how Logan really feels about emotions, how the logical side actually gets hurt when people think of him as cold and unfeeling. Shutting down is the worst plan, but evidently it’s the one Logan is going with. Giving up on Logan is the second worst plan, and you can bet your bottom dollar that Patton will not go that direction if he can help it. Of course, that always leaves the lingering fear that he won’t be able to help it, and Logan will outgrow him without a second thought.

It comes and goes in waves And carries us away Through the wind Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids

    “Come on, I wanna show you something,” Patton insists, tugging on Logan’s arm. Fast enough to make his tie flutter, the moral side pulls his friend into his room, not waiting for the door to close.

    “What is it? I have very—” Logan begins, immediately cut off by Patton.

    “Very important research, I know, I know.” Patton waves his free hand, sitting on the edge of his bed and leaning down to grab something from underneath it. As Logan carefully arranges himself for optimal comfort, Patton sits back up, memory box in hand. “I just really want you to see this.” He plucks out a yellow flower petal, smiling at Logan’s comments about attracting bugs and interrupting the flow of nature and all that stuff Patton doesn’t need to know but loves to hear. “I’ve never tried this before, but I took some liberties from Roman’s room, so just hold the petal and shut your eyes.” A bit dubious, Logan complies, nearly brushing Patton’s finger on the tiny petal.

    When the pair open their eyes, they’re back in a big green meadow, dotted with daisies and sprawling under a softly clouded blue sky. “How did you—” Logan starts, running a hand over the grass.

    “Like I said, liberties from Roman,” Patton replies. “Not as good, since I’m not exactly the creative one, so everything is gonna feel a little artificial. Still, do you remember it?” Logan glances around the memory carefully, taking in all of the fake sights.

    “Yeah, I think I lectured you on cloud types while you just pointed out what shapes they looked like,” Logan says. “Why did you need to show me this?”

    “Thomas was only twelve when we were here. Don’t you remember how fun it was, to sit and talk and share our thoughts without all the stress of being an adult with responsibilities?”

    “Hm.” Logan shrugs noncommittally, rubbing the flower petal between his fingers.

    “I just miss when we had fun. We didn’t have pressure or isolate ourselves in our rooms or yell at our friends instead of asking for their help.” Patton looks down at the same petal, the petal touching a hand connected to an arm attached to a shoulder growing off of Logan. “Can’t we go back to that?”

    Logan looks up at Patton, something blossoming in his eyes. It fills Patton with hope, maybe they can really go back, maybe they don’t have to grow apart, maybe Patton doesn’t have to be alone anymore, but Logan speaks and the hope shatters. “No. We can’t.” He releases the petal, disappearing from the memory and leaving Patton by himself. The racing grass blades and vibrant flowers and dashing clouds seem more like taunts at what Patton once had than the peace they used to represent. He drops the flower petal on the fake dirt, opening his eyes back up to his room, Logan gone and the petal on the bed. It goes in the trash.

Memories, of a stolen place Caught in the silence An echo lost in space It comes and goes in waves

    Patton only goes back to the flower field once, but the grass is all overgrown, interspersed with weeds, the flower petals all blown away with forceful wind gusts. Even the clouds are no longer a puffy white, instead turning into an overcast grey sky, angry and heavy. One of his happiest memories, with Logan of all people, and it’s been snatched away from him. This time, Patton throws the flower in the sink’s garbage disposal before heading to the far end of the bedroom hall that he normally leaves alone.

    “Hey kiddo,” he calls with a knock on the door. The light is out on the other side, but the music playing is loud enough that the room shouldn’t be empty. The door creaks open a bit, enough for Patton to slip inside, pulling the door quietly shut behind him.

    “Hey,” Virgil says from the floor beside his bed, headphones on and loud. His legs are bent at the knee, calves and feet resting on the mattress.

    “What’re you doing on the floor?” As Virgil mutters something about falling off and being lazy and comfortable, Patton plops down on his rear to join him.

    “Why are you in here?” Virgil asks. “You never really hang out in my room anymore. You’ve always been busy with Logan lately.”

    “You’re not wrong,” Patton sighs. “But he’s kind of the problem, and I don’t know what to do.”

    “Hate to break it to you, but I’m not the feelings department of this mindscape.”

    “I know, and that’s not why I’m here. I just didn’t want to be alone.” The pair sits in silence, the only sound in the room coming from the heavy bass in Virgil’s headphones that he’s pulled down from his ears to his neck.

    “I get it. I’m here for you.” Virgil’s hand trails along the carpet, finding and linking with Patton’s. He squeezes back, staring at the ceiling and enjoying the escape. His other hand finds a scrap of paper on the ground, stashing it in his pocket for the memory box. Patton shuts his eyes, thankful for the chance to let his mind wander, and not worry about what’s happening outside of the room.

I watched my wild youth Disappear in front of my eyes Moments of magic and wonder It seems so hard to find

    When Patton later returns to his room to put the paper scrap in his box, it’s substantially lighter than it used to be. Peering inside, he finds several trinkets slowly vanishing before his eyes, just becoming less opaque until they aren’t there at all. As Patton rifles through the box in horror, he compartmentalizes each memory in his head—all of Virgil’s are still there, along with the new one, all of Roman’s are still there, and only Logan’s are going. Not even all of his, just the old ones, from when they could enjoy each other’s company without the strain of Thomas having an adult life looming over them. All the happy times of the pair in their youth, disappearing into the wind. He runs a hand across some of the keepsakes as they fade, recalling them with a weak smile. A pop bottle lid from the time they pulled an all-nighter simply because they could, going on a wiki walk to learn a bunch of nonsense about bees and flowers. A small books from when they decided they would take up bullet journaling, then promptly abandoned it for more exciting pastimes. The SD card from when Logan wanted to learn computer programming. So many good things, just dissipating to make space for new ones. The crumb that caught in his sock when he saw his three closest friends talking without him. A shard of a splintered pen from when Logan had to prepare for that presentation. A cigarette butt from when Patton caught him again.

    Patton swivels in place, stretching for his mini trash can, and holds the box over it, ready to dump all of the contents and forget about them forever. Something stops him. Maybe a spark of hope that it can still work, maybe an inner recognition of the fact that he’ll regret it later in a moment of self-pity.

    The box is returned to its place on a high shelf, and Patton falls back on his bed. That little voice that doesn’t want him to give up? It’s fading with the memories.

Is it ever coming back again? Is it ever coming back again? Take me back to the feeling when Everything was left to find It comes and goes in waves

    “You’re being unreasonable!”

    “And you’re being unsympathetic!”

    “I’m being rational and giving Thomas the explanations and solutions he needs!”

    “Well I’m the one considering how all of your plans are making him feel! Did you ever wonder if all of these schedules and decisions are overwhelming him? Have you even looked at Virgil lately?”

    “Does it look like I have the time to check in on our resident whistleblower?”

    “How. Dare. You.”

    “Okay, wait, that wasn’t—”

    “How dare you? You know how Roman’s jabs affect him, and now you’re adding your own in? Insult to injury, is that it?”

    “It isn’t my fault he’s always overreacting to everything!”

    “And it isn’t my fault that you’re being an inconsiderate jerk, yet here we are, me trying to fix your problems so this whole family doesn’t fall apart!”

    A slamming door.

    Angry footsteps.

    Loud pen scribbling.

    Cursing.

    Patton turns and heads for Roman’s door, knocking a few times to get the fanciful side out of whatever fantasy his room might have concocted at the moment. Roman pulls the door open after a few seconds, only a few stray hairs out of place. He pulls them back up on top of his head and steps back, allowing Patton to come in.

    “What can I help you with?” Roman asks, straightening his red sash.

    “I need a memory.”

    “Didn’t I teach you how to keep those? The whole keepsake thing?”

    “You did, but that’s not it. The trinkets, well, not important. I need you to bring up a specific memory, and I don’t have a thing to commemorate it.”

    “Alright, no problem. Just think of the memory, and I’ll be over here in the corner by myself, not intruding on your memory at all.” A blatant lie, but Patton doesn’t care if Roman sees this. He’d prefer it, actually, so he won’t be alone in remembering.

    “Can you do it in the removed sense?” Patton asks. Roman flashes a thumbs up, and Patton closes his eyes, not wanting to ruin for himself the magic behind how Roman works. When he opens his eyes, he’s in Logan’s room, looking down at himself and Logan on the floor, leaning against the bed.

    “You can tell me, it’s okay,” Patton says, taking Logan’s hand. He flinches, but doesn’t let go.

    “It’s just the robot thing. I don’t get it. I don’t get you. Why do your feelings rule over everything?”

    “That’s just what I came to represent, you know? I’m Morality, so I’m his sense of right and wrong, too. I’m more than just emotions, and you’re more than just an unfeeling robot.”

    “How can you know that?” Logan sniffles, wiping a hand under his nose before it can start dripping.

    “Because I know you. You’re important to me, and I know that on the inside, you care about all of us, and about Thomas. Even if you mock us for wearing our hearts on our sleeves, there’s still a part of you that wants to join in. If that ever happens, I swear that I’ll support you.”

    Logan turns his head to look at Patton, an earnest look in his eyes. “Thank you.”

    “Don’t sweat it.”

    “No, really. Thank you.”

    “Roman, I think I’d like to leave now, please.” Patton shuts his eyes, waiting until he’s absolutely certain the memory has vanished.

    “You okay?” Roman asks, taking a step toward Patton.

    “I’m fine,” he mumbles, tearing out the door for his own room. He doesn’t stop to explain to Roman why he needed that memory, or why he left. Patton doesn’t want to tell Roman that the old Logan is gone. He’s not coming back.

I’m trying hard to let go It comes and goes in waves It comes and goes in waves And carries us away

    Patton stands before the fireplace in the commons that night, watching the flames lick the iron frame. His memory box is in his hands, still emptying itself of the happy things. It’s easily late enough for everyone else to be asleep, or at least hanging out without Patton somewhere. He doesn’t really care.

    Patton upends the box over the fire, its contents spilling out and curling in on themselves, melting and mixing and falling apart, their particles drifting up with the flames to the fake chimney and through the room, scattering across the commons for anyone to happen upon, an old memory that might make them smile.

    The box emptied, Patton lets the heat warm his face, soaking in the past one last time, before it’s out of his reach.

    Then he tosses in the box.

Tag list:

@sakurahayasaki @erlenmeyertrash @lemonpepperpizza @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @milomeepit

[isolated-loser]

Hello again fellow humans. Drunk again. Ar 5:27 am.

So. Regardless.

I love fishy, so much. I want to be with him for a long time. I can accept not for ever. As long as we say in contact. I never want him out of my life. Even if in a while he decides he doesn't want to be with me. I want him as my friend. I love him. I love him as a partner. But more importantly I love him as a friend.

I try to practice selfless love. Love Of a person for themselves, not what thay can or might do for me. The way that act. There flaws. I do my best to love others for there flaws, not in spite of their flaws. I love fishy. I Know he has flaws.

Note one less, flaw he's not a fucking trump supporter!!! Closer to the beginning of a relationship I thought he was, and I was willing to accept that considering the fact he doesn't vote. I'm being a trump supporter doesn't matter if he doesn't vote. But he's not one!! He's still a dumbass for not understanding why billionaires are evil. But he doesn't support Trump. He doesn't have the same burning hate I have for that pathetic piece of molding rotting shit., But I can more than live with that!

He really matters to me. I can see myself being with him for a long while. I know I can live without him. I can live, with out his surprising good in bed self.

But when he's around he just makes my day better. Not his touch (my top love language). Just his presence. Him being his stupid self. He's said something about being an acquired taste, but I didn't really have to acquire a taste for him.

But yes. On the same but different thing. I read tarot cards(admits considering, I'm reading them, and I have a bias I could misread them)

When I asked if he wanted to be with me for a long time, I got the 2 of cups, 4 of wands, & the Knight of cups pop up. Not to mention when my friend Queen, Read runes for me, pulling up on marriage. The me pulling around for the situation, continuously getting the marriage rune. It was literally scaring me at one point. Then he was playing with my tarot cards, like he does, he doesn't understand them, like at all. But likes to play with them (I think he wants to know more, but is scared [& lazy] because of his up bringing. He's into astrology but doesn't know a lot [he's a leo sun, Virgo Moon, {ican remember hi rising & I'm to stuck to find it} I'm a Libra sun, Aquarius Moon, Scorpio rising.) & He pulled well right in front of me with my tarot deck, the ace of cups, the 4 of wands, and the moon. (ither he's cheating on me & falling in love with the parson.[I'm 100%sure he's not {iv I find out he is I'm going to jail, for cutting of his dick, & Force feeding it to him, for risking my sexual health with his bull shit}], or he's thing about proposing, or something else entirely) he said he wasn't really think about anything when he pulled the cards.( Gods I. So fucking stuck, I'm going to sleep so good, administration plus the alcoholism, I. Going to be dead to the world) but fuck that scared the ever living s*** out of me. I want to be with him. But I've only dated him a tad over a year. I'm not ready to say yes, even if I really would want too, I adore ever hair on his head(I'm not even worryed about him going bald, the hair on his head is definitely thinning, it's not much different than when I meet him, but it's most definitely thinner than it would have been when he was idk 17...[I was like 14 then I think, & we definitely wouldn't have got along then{in the early stages of us dating he mentioned how much he changed since he was really young (brah is 25, I'm 22)and how I wouldn't have even thought about being with him(as well as who he was extremely sexual [in my words not ok, the kind of guy that if not absolutely everything was on the table he wasn't interested{gross I know, but he's really not at all like that anymore, I tell him anything about what he's doing in that capacity {such as he's being to hard(usually with biting[one of my things {& I like it hard}, and he'll change it. He won't automatically stop, but he'll lighten up, which is a good thing, for me, cuss just because got into the point it only hurts, doesn't necessarily mean I wanted to stop entirely. I want to tell him to stop he fully stops, he won't even try.]) I really have never had some treat me so respectfully. (I've gotten lost there's something about my friend Queen in her rooms where she had read that it was likely for him to propose to me within the month of December [no year specified hopefully it would be next year]

I've forgotten where I was. But.

Here I am. I'm in love with a man. I would want to marry him. That how I feel right now, not just with the alcohol. I do want to marry him. But if I am too, I want to make sure it not just the hormones firm sex. To get part the 18 mouths of hormonal love that often happens with couples.(I've heard of thia through a few studie but I haven't read through fully, and I shouldn't trust cuz I haven't wrote you fully and haven't looked at all the sources, & all that jazz[but do, because it apparently a popular theory {and I'm terrified I just love him because all the oxytocin and epinephrine that goes through my head when he keeps me orgasms}]) I know from his actions that he loves me. He's never said it. (Technically he did, the quote was, "You're lucky to have a guy who loves you enough too not want to push you into that. I mean wants to love you enough too not push you into that" or something along those lines, it's been 4-9 months since he said that.[memories fickle]) the amount he's deal with me literally being over emotional.(bipolar+too alcohol+not enough self worth) and still treating me kindly when I started to run his nerve. (My own nerve honestly) means more than he could ever know. I wouldn't deal with it, and I literally talked some one I was constantly annoyed by down from slitting their own throat, note over the phone

Resintly I asked him how he feels about me. He said I made him feel frustrated and joyful in like a piece of shit. Frustrated because he doesn't understand how to deal with he is as emotional as me. ( If I don't not my emotions out through crying or what ever thay would be, it just turns into anger [true anger the kind where you can kill some and feel nothing but good about it{which I don't like, intern I let my emotions out}]) Joy. Literally what he said. I've never heard him use that word before. Not that I thought he didn't know it, I just never heard him use. And the final piece of shit. More then a few times has he expressed me that he thinks I deserve better. And do. But frankly, I don't care. I care for him. He's treated me better then a fast maturity of people I've ever met.

Talk to talk and talk for like 3 hours. In this little text bubble. It 7 am. I'm drunken exhausted. Going to go to bed.

Thank you for feeding the framing bullshit about my boyfriend.

I just hope I make home feel, at the vary least half as safe as he make me feel. I want him to want to tell me about his day. Even, and especially when it sucked. Fuck I care about him so much. No I love him that much. It on to say you love someone. It is. I love fishy. I want to make him life better like he does mine. I want him to feel better about himself.

I want to be with him for as long as I can. I hope he care about me the same.

Signing Off.

[smengus]

favorite kpop songs of 2017 from a fan who got into kpop the beginning of this year

aye!! 2018 is almost here, and i have been DYING to make a favorite songs/mvs in kpop of this year thing. it has been a fucking ride let me tell you.... first things first, just to celebrate this year and give myself some leeway, there will be 17 songs!! and they are in no particular order!! i am not a favorites person, i have too much love in my pitiful heart.... anyway, lets start!!

17. movie - btob (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42A-rFdralM)     there are many things i love about this song. i got into kpop quite literally the very beginning of this year, and thats wild, but this song was one of the first of many i had heard, and didnt know much about then but love now. i specifically remember going through that one hot 100 kpop song playlist on youtube and finding this one, and instantly love it. its one of the classics of this years, and def opened my mind to a lot more. 

love’s like a movie~

16. really really - winner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tBnF46ybZk)    ohhhhh my god i could go on and on about this song. out of all the wonderful kpop songs weve been blessed with this year, this is the one that’s consistently stuck, and everyone knows it. its just that song. the music video is gorgeous and diverse but so simplistic with the black and white. dare i say its iconic; all of it.

널 좋아해~

15. rookie/red flavor/peek-a-boo - red velvet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0h8-OTC38I) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyiIGEHQP8o) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uJf2IT2Zh8)    ok, so yall are gonna hate me for literally putting all of their 2017 title tracks but oh my god... every single comeback they had this year was amazing, and id feel like id be playing someone if i just chose one or the other. like most sm groups, its not hard to absolutely love all of their songs. but in terms of aesthetic, sound, and all around look, red velvet killed it this year. so there. hope yall are satisfied with this.

peek a booooo~

14. fine - taeyeon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXUM-6a3dU)    to keep this b/b/g/g pattern going, im choosing this one next and dear lord. this is another song id heard in the very beginning, and i was... frankly i was shocked. like, btob was surprising, but it was what i expected it be: boy group, fun, catchy, etc., but with taeyeon... god, her voice and the whole video... i was tearing up, not gonna lie. the lyrics especially got to me. its been in most of my playlists consistently this year, and i cant say the rest of the album isnt a must listen, just a recommendation from me personally.

its not fine~

13. dramarama - monsta x (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1afdZk0qcI)

 ok, i had a hard time on this one. its common knowledge they went through 3 major comebacks this year, all of which were amazing, but originally, beautiful is what stuck with me. i love the heck out of that song. then dramarama dropped a little over a month ago and... lets just say thats what convinced me to finally start stanning them for real. i have a thing for story driven music videos (bonus points if the story is actually mad good), so combine that with the absolutely amazing song and choreography, and you get their best comeback yet. honestly, it was so good, i urge yall to check it out if you havent.

dramama ramama ramama hey~

12. cherry bomb - nct 127 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkuHLzMMTZM)

 this song... THIS SONG... oh my god. i dont have an in depth discussion over the music video or the song or any of it but good lord... if youve heard it you know what im talking about. its another one of THOSE songs. its too bad it was generally slept on, but god... can i add i also love the choreography??? like a lot???? im the biggest hit on this stage~

11. palette - iu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9IxdwEFk1c)

 yall KNOW i wasnt gonna put this one off any longer. this is also the song that got me to start stanning this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacularly awesome woman. she’s great. and this comeback?? ive easily listened to the whole album about 50+ times. i was going to put ending scene instead since i adore that one too, but this is the one that really stuck out to everyone. aesthetics?? on point. lyrics?? poetic. voice?? like an angel. lmao, i really love iu...

i like it, im 25~

10. as if its your last - blackpink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amq-qlqbjYA)

 ok the best part about this one was... since i was a new baby fan, at the time, the only group i really like, stanned, was bts. but i wasnt shut off from the rest of the music community tho, ofc. thats what im truly into kpop for: the music. so duh, i knew about blackpink and their bops (whistle was a personal favorite of mine). but for some reason, over time, they casually just became another group i was into? like, i knew the names, voices, roles, songs, etc.. so when i heard they were having a summer comeback, while i was free from school no less, i was ecstatic. i rewatched the teaser several times, stayed up and hyped with people online. and it finally dropped and instantly became my favorite song by them. its so goooood. my wife lisa, like, yas baby slay that rap while looking cute af. i love it very much, and im sure other blinks do too.

blackpink in your area~

9. dont wanna cry - seventeen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97cx53Tpp6g)

 yeahhh, im not gonna choose their most recent comeback for this one, sorry guys... its a good song, dont get me wrong but! this one is the one lmao. its so fucking beautiful. when i watched the mv for the first time, i was in awe cause the choreo was so good, and so different from what i had seen before, but it went with the song so well. its a very good listen.

울고 싶지 않아~

8. move - taemin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcEyUNeZqmY)

 yes. yes. yes. this song??? yes. oh my god. so, this next bit is gonna be a bit sad (to read and to write), but just because an explanation is needed for each of these... im a shawol. i was the second i watched 1 of 1. and god, it still hurts so much to think of what happened? but, this explanation is taemin. so, i was into shinee, period. i knew taemin was a solo artist. i dont know why i wasnt paying close attention to it, but one day move just like, dropped. out of nowhere. and i went ‘where tf...?’ and watched it and OH MY GOD. i cant convey on here well enough, but bitch, i rewatched that shit repeatedly. the song was constantly replayed, and it finally pushed me to take the step and go back and listen to all his other stuff (which i love). its just so... androgynous and he dont give a flying fuck how he looks, dances, or sounds, and i adore it. definitely another THAT song of this year, dear lord.

youve got got the rhythm~

7. 1+1=0 - suran (ft. dean) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA6G74gk6R8)

 ok, i was torn over this one. i bet everyone and their mother knows her for her “collab” with my boy suga, if i get drunk today. and YES!! THAT IS AN AMAZING SONG AND IM STILL SO PROUD OF BOTH OF THEM. but bitch, this had dropped sometime whenever, idk when since i dont stan and her, and i saw it on youtube and thought  ‘shes the suga girl, i wonder if thisll be good’. i was so surprised when i listened to it. the music video?? snatched. the song?? snatched. wig?? bitch its gone. lets just say, first listen, i had already loved it way more than the song i originally knew her by. 

1 plus 1은 0~

6. ddd - exid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axVvZrDz60k)

 i put this one off long enough too. and this is obviously a very split opinion. they also dropped night rather than day which i am also 100% over the moon for. but god, i love sexy exid. and that is exactly what this comeback was. sexy, powerful, and aesthetically catchy as hell. (btw, exid is another group i actually stan, so i had been anticipating this one; i watched it while i was at school dusbgukg). so sad solji couldnt physically make it this comeback, but she was in the album, and that was enough for us. still wishing her the best recovery!

덜덜덜덜~

5. dont recall - kard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41Dp7Q-SM1Y)

 oh kard. the group that had millions of fans before they even debuted... they gave us many tasty treats this year, all of which were total bops, but dont recall... bruh, its just stuck with me. i still know all the others, but when i think kard i immdiately think the of the legendary beat drop tied with the beautiful mv of dont recall. also another THAT song, no doubt. sorry i dont have much for this one, i dont know much about kard, but this song has personally been a go to of mine for the past many months. 

그만해 i dont recall~

4. ko ko bop - exo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdssuxDdqKk)

 lmao, you will not catch me in a 10 mile radius even THINKING about power. i drink to forget. its cute and all but... mmmm.... ANYWAY. im gonna be totally honest, i really love their 2016 year in terms of music more than i did this one (lotto, lucky one, monster, etc., etc., etc.,) BUT! out of the comebacks they had this year, i am 100% 10x more into ko ko bop. not gonna lie, i didnt dig it at first listen. but a little later, i tried it again and... hooo boy, what a good song. i dont know anything knowledge based about music or music production, but i know that ko ko bop is a good song. very good.

shimmy shimmy ko ko bop~

3. gashina - sunmi (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur0hCdne2-s)

 ok. OK! so... yall gonna hate me, but i intentionally put off listening to this for the longest time. why?? i have no clue, its a great song. but i did. so by the time mama 2017 (IK THAT LATE) came around and i found out my boy taemin would be doing a collab stage with sunmi i was like... ‘ok i need to know who this girl is...’ i FINALLY sat my butt down and watched it and BITCH. okokokok, scroll back up, skim that taemin one, and imagine all those feelings, except like, gay. like, instead of thinking it was inspiring, i was just thirsting and being absolutely in love because holy shit everything about the song and the video are perfect????? THE LYRICS THOUGH TOO??? absolute women power i was 100% there for jesus christ.  왜 예쁜 날 두고 가시나~ 2. snow - zion.t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiGSDywrX1Y)    this song made me cry :( straight up, when i first watched it, i cried so much. it got even worse the second go round when i knew the lyrics. its so.... beautiful. im a big fan of zion.t as well, so this was no disappoint for me. i luv it... and fun fact, its my favorite music video ever, kpop or not. im very into cinematography and photography so it was such a treat to watch it. youd have to watch it for yourself to know what i was talking about. 

눈이 올까요~

1. anything from bts this year (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU << this is dna just cause i dont wanna post 3 songs lol)

 yall honest to god probably hate me. ‘we just read this whole list to get a biased, lazy ass answer?!?!’ but hear me out... lmao thats all i got. bts is my ult group, but ult group or not, every single thing they dropped this year was spectacular. truly honest to god, its probably been their best year yet. jk, idk about that, 2015 and 2016 were pretty good. BUT STILL. spring day, not today, dna (lots of ayes), ALL OF IT SO FUCKING GOOD. gosh, i love them...

 dna~

well, thats all of them! keep in mind, this is a personal opinion thing, and there many, many, MANY songs of this year i loved, but this is a list and its gotta end somewhere, so i chose the ones that really stood out to ME. this was probably a waste of time, and bet this gets no notes, but in my heart, it was worth it. i love writing and ranting out my thoughts. this was my first year in kpop, and while yes, there were a few devastating and heart breaking moments that im still not fine about, it was good. my friends are gonna hate me, but this is just one of many years to come of me being into this shit. hope next year delivers as good as this one did. happy new years kpop fans!

[brainfarts-com]

I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me

[renmaru]

you know. sometimes i love something a lot so i need to scream about the things that piss me off about it. i don’t think this is a particularly negative post but it’s just like sheer frustration and if you dont get some satisfaction from articulating your frustration into tumbler dot coms longposts and destroying the capital of this website because you are not a gemini sun then like fair i guess feel free to disregard this. tonbokiris kiwame is cool go look at that.

now to the lukewarm tea ive been simmering for five years. the one thing i always think about all the time is that tkrb is a popular game despite itself. the piss poor gameplay with only the barest of bare QoL in the five years its been up, the seeming complete lack of direction and the frankly nonexistent worldbuilding is held up purely because of its attention to detail and reverence to the original culture and history of the swords combined with some very good character design and subtle but nuanced character writing that can be openly interpreted. just enough flavour to imply something larger but chickening out on actually making anything y’know. concrete. basically allowing the fans to draw their own conclusions. but even then a game like that would not survive cause there have been countless, hundreds of games with high quality and fervent attention to detail and respect for the source material that just died completely because they have such little to actually offer in terms of engagement. i think the main thing that bugs me about tkrb is that it has one of THE most creative, dedicated and strong fanbases of this genre of game who go out of their way to engage with any and all of the content and the devs seem kind of oblivious to this.

in comparison to modern gacha style games, touken ranbu releases barely any new content and frequently recycles content but somehow it’s still relatively popular with approx. 1mil active players daily but the maddening thing is that tkrb can reach much MUCH further. the fans are there, the curiosity is there, it’s just the game content is not fucking there. it does not put the effort into commissioning seasonal art, pushing new events with actual plotline/story content, creating promotional materials, tie-ins etc. but somehow its still in the top 5 comiket circles for nearly five fuckin years straight. here are your badley compiled receipts: c89(w2015), c90(s2016), c91(w2016), c92(s2017), c93(w2017), c94(s2018), c95(w2018), c96(s2019)

 it can launch itself from laughably low in the appstore ratings, hovering in the middle of the 200′s to TOP 30s in the appstore at the flick of a switch. what is this magic button that fucking quadruples revenue and skyrockets your app into the top 50 grossing apps? 3/4 of your characters getting static CGs that you cannot use at all anywhere in the game but will do a powerpoint transition and appear for 5 seconds at login. oh and like a few free mats i guess. and i kid you not it fuckin worked.

wanna know why that worked? it’s cause otherwise characters, especially fan favourites just don’t get anything at all. it’s like most characters outside of the very popular ones rarely get new art, new recollections, new anything outside of their kiwame upgrade which is more often than not years down the line and only recently, four years in, they decided to add alternate costumes but even then there’s a catch which has me feeling some kind of way.

and yes, i fully understand that tkrb is a multi-media franchise, i get that it’s got its fingers in so many pies like the stageplay, musicals, various manga anthologies, the animes, hell its even got live action but man, would it hurt to give some love in game? i’m not asking them to go full fgo route and commission the industry creme de la creme to make 6 full CE illustrations, lots of promo art and tonnes of new merch every single month. but the fact is for such a big franchise, reusing the same sprite art on nearly every piece of official merch, going so far as to add NEW costume art which is just the heads of the old default sprites edited onto new bodies? it screams cost cutting, it screams lazy, the path of minimum effort. it’s almost like the game itself and the original materials are an absolute afterthought at this point with only the most dedicated hanging on to it. i guarantee that the majority of people still playing tkrb are the committed day1 players and the actual rekijou cause it’s just painfully offputting to new fans, with other fans even going out of their way to specify the game is not integral to enjoying the series which sucks, but it’s true.

its a real damn shame to think that something you are so invested in is not particularly invested in itself. sometimes, just sometimes i wish they dev team for tkrb was more hands-on, more adventurous, more willing to listen to players, invest in the game and genuinely try and make the game the best it can be. i’m not asking for balls to the wall summer events, beautiful animated CMs from the likes of the industries best animators, i’m not asking for pages of supplemental lore compiled into books, character backstory novels or whatever i’m just asking for the lore and the characters that we love to sometimes occasionally be remembered in the actual game outside of like ... the two years between their kiwame and the vague possibility of a recollection. i want to feel like this game puts as much effort into itself as the fans do towards it.

it’s a painful truth but there’s one shining light which is that the fandom for tkrb is genuinely one of the most committed and transformative ones ive ever seen. i have never been involved with a fandom that varies so widely and puts in so much effort for these characters and this world. tkrb exists solely as a popular franchise due to the sheer legwork of the fans carrying it on their backs collaboratively. ultimately, tkrb is very very lore-light, there’s so much thats missing and the characters in-game rarely rarely interact with each other. the characters are contained solely in however many voice lines they get at implementation, their kiwame letters, and their updates kiwame lines and the only interaction they get with other swords is recollections or depending on the sword, the odd custom sparring lines.

but despite that there has been so much fan effort to explore everything in so many different varied ways, and amazingly there are certain tropes, relationships, lore etc. that have started off fanon and become canon. the fan community, especially the fanartists, doujins, writers, animators etc. being given a small indulgence by the anime is one of my favourite things about tkrbs relationship with its fanbase. that’s not to say that the fans dont give back in kind a hundred fold.

there’s so much i love about tkrb fans going out of their way to go SEE historical swords in japan, single-handedly reforging swords using crowdfunding and revitalising lots of small-town tourism having real world impact. shit makes me unbelievably happy. the stage plays and musicals are always met with warm reception and are always well attended and even though its hard to access, there are lots of western fans who have dived into a whole new MEDIUM that most of us arent really familiar with but out of their love for tkrb theyve done that. they have hosted the musical as far out as india and france, making tkrb a truly worldwide franchise and there theyve met full seats! as far out as india! then theres the fantranslators, who always have the drive the commitment and energy for the thankless work, the wiki always always is well maintained and they have new content up so fast, and there are so many people willing to help you out. even when crunchyr*ll got hanamaru s2 (i think) a week late and we were left without subs for the premier episode for a whole ass week, fantranslators who had never subbed before stepped up to translate a whole episode for FREE, encoding, subbing and timing it all despite never having done so just so others could understand the episode faster than cr*nchy themselves could. even, as well, it’s made so many history nerds out of a whole bunch of people, it’s created an appreciation for nihontou and japanese history that would otherwise probably never be in their orbit because of how inaccessible it is, especially in english. even on a personal note, i started learning japanese primarily so i could understand tkrb and the history behind it better and to read jp fanart/interact with fanartists.

 no matter what, i am forever warmed by how much i love tkrb and its fanbase and im glad that tkrb is still going strong, even despite itself sometimes and i hope that moving on tkrb tries new things, and becomes better for everyone.