#i am carless

[russenoire]

i can relate to some of this.

i was... a little more like shigeo as a kid: an anemic beanpole of a child, hopelessly 運動音痴 (undou-onchi, uncoordinated). i never passed out trying to run, but i came dangerously close on a regular basis. physical education was the only class i wouldn't get punished for bringing home a C or worse in. i loathed PE, and was glad when it was no longer compulsory.

and then i signed up for an elective dance class in 10th grade. because i actually wanted to learn how. in the US, there's a certain weirdness attached to being a person of african descent who doesn't know how to dance.

i wanted my body to move like that.

and it was SO FUCKING HARD, y'all. intense aerobic warmups before we even touched new dance steps. a different style of dance every couple of weeks or so. ballet? hip-hop? hula? contemporary? yes. i left class every day drenched and sore, muscles frustrated from trying and failing to replicate the steps being demonstrated.

but my teacher was so patient, so non-judgmental, so hilarious. (this was not true of previous PE teachers i'd had.) and it got easier with time. i noticed i was no longer as clumsy. i stubbed my toes on things and smacked my hips and ankles into door jambs less. i could move with more freedom. my body felt confident.

and the memory of that feeling stayed with me.

much later, after a partner i hoped to marry someday dumped me right before my birthday, i remembered that feeling of bodily confidence. i needed to feel it again. i'd left the culinary industry and was no longer doing heavy physical labor; i'd also lost a lot of weight to grief. another friend who lifts weights inspired me to try lifting, because it helped with her joint pain. i'd injured my knee as a chef early in my career.

this required a whole lifestyle change. i had to count calories, track macronutrients, and plan meals weekly in order to gain weight. i needed to buy heavier and heavier weights over time: the lower half of my body in particular screamed out for an actual fucking challenge.

and i felt that bodily confidence returning.

the personal records i reached every workout were a bonus. carrying heavy objects felt increasingly effortless. my knee ached a bit less; i figured strengthening the muscles round the joint would help, from a wise pediatrician's advice on my subluxing hip when i was a teenager.

getting swole felt good, but never as good as everyone said it would. i don't get an intense rush or 'ecstasy' from exercise, though dancing brings me close. i never experienced the 'pump.' it didn't make much of a dent in my anxiety, either, except for the fact that heavy weights demand your undivided attention. disappearing into future fears or past pains while goblet-squatting a 30kg kettlebell is a really good way to injure yourself.

i kept this up for almost two years, but never fully sorted out my reasons to keep lifting. i'm not gonna lie; at first it was to maybe impress my ex. but it turns out dating advice isn't written with neurodivergent introverts who don't live part-time on facebook in mind! who knew.

and just as i was slowly connecting the work of lifting with self-satisfaction, my aunt began commenting over and over on how much weight i was gaining and how careful i needed to be about not getting so big i couldn't lose the weight and so on. i found it difficult to continue. even though i knew she was projecting onto me; even though i am lanky AF; even though i asked her, repeatedly, to stop.

she died suddenly later that year, the first year of lockdowns. i haven't lifted or spoken to my ex since.

i'm so glad you found your why, @ygodmyy20. gives me hope that i can find mine, too.

Okay I finally am getting around to this post! It's the 'Fuck how can mob psycho help me in so many ways god damnit I hate and love this show' post!

Shigeo joining the body improvement club, and everything about this part of his story is so personal to me. I just have to talk about it.

So as we all know at the start of the story, Shigeo joins the body improvement club to impress Tsubomi. Thats it. Thats the goal. He also joins because he wants to get stronger and not rely on his psychic powers but really like...the main reason is to impress her.

And this isn't new. A character wanting to get fit, lose weight, change some physical part of themselves for a crush is SO common in stories that you barely notice it.

But what I love, what I ADORE is how this progresses and changes.

This gif from an amazing AMV by @thekagepro24 and it just UGH hits me so hard it is so perfect!!! I could watch this 5 second gif over and over and over again

I just am. I just am dying while running, I just am making progress, I just am enjoying this because I really like it.

This puts everything I feel into visuals (it's so gooooood watch the AMV!!! DO IIIIIIT)

So many times society tells us to change something about ourselves, or we tell ourselves to change for the appeal of others.

Lose weight so people think you're pretty.

Get fit so you can get into clothes that make you look hot.

Get swol to make a person think you're attractive.

You are the one and only you, this is your one and only body. So why are you working out, why do you WANT to get "swol" who are you trying to impress. Is it for yourself? A crush? Society?

I have battled with the above for so long. I come from an athletic background, and did a lot of sports growing up, but I have never been small. I have battled with weight my whole life and had my own shitty bouts with ED.

I have been in therapy, I have read books, I have watched videos, I've been in and out of PT for nearly 5 years because of a lower back and hip pain that NEVER went away.

I never figured out WHY i wanted to exercise. It just always was "To lose weight" because I couldn't get that goal out of my head for years and years and years.

But then I watched mob psycho 100.

And I started a new type of physical therapy.

And was it mp100 or was it the therapy finally working, who can say which did it—probably both—but one day I thought...

....maybe I should just go for a run...for 5-10 mins. Just to see how it feels. It went against all parts of my athlete brain (because 10 mins is too short to see "gains"....which is dumb but whatever)

I thought of Shigeo and how he basically passed out every time he ran for like 2 mins, but he got better. He had to start from 0, well...kinda like negative 5 really. But then he was doing so much not even a few months in!

35 pushups is so hard!!! You go my boi.

Shigeo started off doing it all for Tsubomi, for others, and even if he really wanted to do it to improve himself I think it was a secondary goal initially. Main goal was to impress someone. Secondary was to get stronger.

But then the marathon happened. And those goals SWITCHED! DURING THE RACE! just....man it hit me. It hit me hard. THAT WHOLE EPISODE IS JUST A LOT FOR ME GOD DAMN

He ran for her initially but he continued running for himself. He continued working at it because he wanted to and in the end, after everything, after confession arc, after all that

This scene!!! makes me cry happy tears!! look at how happy he is UGH IT JUST IS SO UGGGHHHHHHH

Anyway if you made it this far, know that everyones journey through their body improvement, mental improvement, emotional improvement is different. We all have to tackle it in the way that works for us.

It took me nearly 10 years to start again because of this beautiful anime connecting the right dots in my brain.

Every journey is different, but just keep fighting on and you'll figure it out!

[nico-di-genova]

Yo @ Lawrence Stroll, wanna slide me some cash for spending hundreds of dollars on Aston merch and Grand Prix tickets in support of your kid? My car just blew up in a very cosmically timed joke so I am, how do you say, fucked.

[weidli]

actually every time thorsten was a bit of a bitch to nika in the next ten years was just revenge for this

[cannibalisticskittles]

my car shut off in active traffic on my way home. twice.

as i was driving back from an urgent care. because my newest student injured me on their first day and has made that injury worse every day after.

so. y'know. It's Going.

[brattysuki]

f in chat for my finances 😆

[kiwipit]

my laptop being broken is actually debilitating. how am I supposed to apply to colleges. on mobile???

[shot-messenger]

things r so not good and there is no real sign of it changing any time soon

[jovialtorchlight]

i've been through the fucking ringer the past few months. engine blew on my car, paid 5 grand to put a new one in only to have the transmission blow as well. i am likely going to let the bank repossess the car.

i need some help. i've been carless for the entire summer and my job is starting again.

Any help fucking unbelievably appreciated. i'm kind of stuck and i have to get to and from work...i can't keep bumming rides if i could get a couple hundred bucks extra i could up my budget from like 1,500 to upwards of 2 grand. my entire paycheck is 1538 so even a tiny bit of wiggle room would help me get a vehicle. But I ALSO need to pay $625 to the shop, need to pay for a tow, need to pay bills… needless to say I need some help. sooooo if you’ve ever wanted to buy a book/do the pay what you can PDF option I would be incredibly grateful

Downloadable PDFS

Pay what you can:

Paypal: jabolduc125@gmail.com

Cash app: $jonnybolduc125

Venmo: @Jonny-Bolduc

Physical book:

https://www.amazon.com/.../Jonny-Bolduc/author/B085LRJ7WZ...

And to be honest, if you’ve read one of my books, consider hyping it up to friends. Make some TikTok’s, try to get my work out there. I’ve never needed help more.

Sending love

[passivenovember]

"Hey, isn't that Steve?"

Billy almost drops the vase in hand. It's about a hundred and thirty fucking degrees out anyway and it's not even noon so his palms are tiny oil slicks, but he's done good, so far.

He's been careful. Happy to finally unveil his fall collection to the hundreds of Instagram follower's who've been on his ass since July--

But Heather opens her mouth and says, "Shit, Bill, I think that is Steve," peering over Billy's shoulder with these comically large brown eyes, and usually it would be kinda funny.

But the thing is, Heather's working his last fucking never in the way only a best friend can.

She had to be dragged out of their apartment this morning, kicking and screaming until Billy forked out ten bucks to get a starbucks coffee in her even though they already agreed to split today's profits 90/10 because he needed help with the maker's fair.

Billy didn't even get a coffee himself, they were running so late, and by the time the Camaro screeched down Millwork street, kicking up a cloud of dust as Billy frantically searched for the vendor entrance, it was almost 10:00 am. The bitchy volunteer at the gate almost refused to give him the tent he shelled out $200 for because check-in was at 8:00 am and it's almost 10:00, now.

Like Billy can't tell time. So.

He's not in the mood for games or jokes or teasing. Really not in the mood, like. He might drop the cashier lock box in Heather's hands and vanish, all, take your 10% and shove it in your ass, not in the mood.

But Heather trips around the folding table, dropping Billy's favorite plaid table linen in the dirt to clutch and grab at his shoulder like a scared kid.

"Heather," Billy snaps, stooping to save it from the dust with his free hand, "Holloway, I swear to fucking God--"

"Look," Heather spats. Her nails dig into his armpit when she spins him around, and.

Steve's there.

Huh.

He's wearing a volunteer t-shirt. And a fanny pack. And his extra-strength 50 SPF sunscreen hasn't been rubbed into his cheeks all the way so they look like sugar glazed apples where he sits in his little folding chair, two tents over at Robin's candle booth. Laughing.

And. Billy hasn't heard that laugh in what feels like a lifetime.

His bones ache with it, rebuilding around the loss he never really processed but has grown to ignore out of survival's sake. Steve's laugh, it. It's Billy's favorite sound in the entire world.

They haven't spoken in three months.

Not since Steve was inside of him, pumping slow and hard with his hands behind Billy's knees, folding him in half as he mouthed sweetness into Billy's throat.

You're so beautiful, tongue lavish against Billy's fluttering heartbeat, You're mine, baby. I want you to be mine. I love--

Behind them, Milk & Marigold's assistant drops something heavy and it shatters. Hundreds of eyes turn in their direction, dozens of frazzled vendors and their teams alarmed at the sudden stillness, and.

Robin, who grins widely at Heather, and. Steve. Locking eyes with Billy as all the color drains from his face.

"Holy shit," Heather's nails press deeper into Billy's arm, somehow, and Billy thinks, distantly, that she might draw blood.

He doesn't care.

Steve's looking at him. For the first time in months, the world is right and Billy can breathe again and about a trillion and thirty things rush through head, rapid firing so he doesn't have the mental space to register the way plot seventeen aches to topple to the parking-lot under foot.

Somewhere, back on Earth, Milk & Marigold's assistant gets his ass handed to him for being so reckless, and slowly. Shyly. Steve lifts a hand and waves.

Billy's going to drop plot seventeen. He grips its amber neck, instead, carless of the rippling clay under his fingertips. "Very funny," Billy says, turning on his heel. He sticks the vase between plots sixteen and eighteen, his jaw so tense it could hack and slash the sky. "I can't believe this. This is such a fucking joke--"

"--Shit--"

"--I can't believe I thought I wouldn't see him here, I mean. Robin's got a business too, right? A side hustle?"

"Candles, or something. Yeah."

"Of course she'd be here. And if she's here then. Fuck, I should've thought about this more," Billy says, tugging all ten fingers through his hair, "God, I should've just launched the fall collection online, like a normal--"

"Billy?"

Billy stands ramrod straight. All the air rushes from his lungs, his hair standing on end as if the tent overhead has grown lips and is talking to Billy in his father's voice.

It's not that.

Steve could never be that because he's better. Holy.

Steve's so much more real, up close. His hair is longer than the last time Billy saw him, his cheeks and jaw dusted with a prickly 5'oclock that gives way to a mustache up top.

It's incredibly sexy.

Billy hates it, on site, because Steve's moles are hidden like a secret. A sun-ripe memory of the first thing Billy ever loved about him.

"Wow. I didn't think I'd see you here, today," Steve says. His eyes hunt over Billy's face, warm and familiar and so, so soft despite all the shit that Billy said the last time they saw each other.

It hangs in the air, stuck like a wedge between them.

"Billy," Steve says again, soft and full of wonder and ready to scale the enormity of their past. Billy forgot how his name holds weight, when Steve says it. Extra syllables and consonants, worth their stake in gold.

Billy clears his throat. Longs for a glass of water, "Hey," He says, when really he means, I'm sorry, and, please never go away again. I'm a bad man and I was afraid but if you give me another chance, I promise I won't push you away, because I love--

Heather clears her throat.

Billy jerks his head in her direction, dizzy as the world fades back into focus. "Sorry," He says, weary, "I'm an asshole. Steve, this is--"

"Heather," Steve shakes her hand, smile gorgeous and winning, "I know, we met, I think. Once or twice when I was on my way out of the apartment."

Billy's going to pass out.

He's dizzy and sick to his stomach, and then. Steve looks at him, and his gaze settles like a warm, solid weight over Billy so he can't float away. "It's a nice apartment," Steve says shyly, "Felt like home."

Billy wasn't expecting this. To see Steve, let alone talk about the apartment, and--

"Billy," Heather says, clapping her hands together once, "How about I go and see if Robin has any extra tent weights?"

"Sure," Billy says, and Steve smiles at him, and then Billy smiles because Steve's always had that effect on people.

Heather scampers off and Steve shrugs, his hands slipping into his pockets. "You look good," Steve says.

Billy's palms are sweating. "So do you."

"Thanks. I feel like shit. I didn't realize you'd be here, even though I could've guessed, if I had a moment to rest with my own thoughts. Robin's working on her fall collection--"

"--Right--"

"--and I guess you are, too. Well," Steve tugs a hand through his hair and it poofs up big like fresh whipped cream, and Billy has missed him so desperately that his ribs rack and break, "That's a lie. I don't have to guess. I know for a fact you're fixing to launch your fall collection."

Billy frowns, "How do you know that?"

"I follow you on Instagram," Steve says, like he's expecting to get told off.

But.

It does something, to the atmosphere. Shifts things. Billy thought he'd blocked Steve on everything, after the first drunken voicemail, but.

Apparently not.

"Yeah, well. The suburban moms love my shit," Billy crosses his arms over his chest, suddenly freezing.

Steve's gaze gets caught on the swell of Billy's arms. "Billy," He starts.

"Look, it's almost noon," Billy says, heartbroken.

Steve doesn't seem to get it. But then his eyes get big and watery, like Heathers, and Billy wants to wrap him in a blanket. "Right," Steve says, "Market's opening soon."

"Right."

"Sorry, I know you still have to set up."

"No sweat."

"Look, Billy--"

"It was good to see you, Steve."

It presses down on them. Everything.

Steve's eyes close like doors. "Sure," He says, and then he's gone.

--

Apparently, word gets around for events like this.

For the first few hours Billy doesn't have time to mull over his interaction with Steve, because they're slammed with wave after wave of eager Saturday Morning buyers.

Billy's feet ache by noon as Heather works the cash box and he makes laps around the tent, restocking and catching up with repeat buyers.

The event volunteers swing by every thirty minutes or so to make sure they have everything they need, dropping off bottled water and drink tickets, and by two Billy's happy he won't be going home with a trunk full of merchandise.

He counts the cash box, whooping when he realizes that their 90/10 won't shake out too badly. "We did pretty damn good, Heath, and it's only 2:00."

Heather's already used her drink tickets on a couple of Bloody Mary's. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really."

"I heard there's a fried hotdog thing on a stick down by the food trucks," Heather says, and she giggles like any sort of weenie could pique her interest. "That doesn't sound good to you?"

"Eh," Billy says, leaning back in his chair, "I've been trying this intermittent fasting thing. I eat a big fuckin' breakfast of mostly protein, and then a light lunch around 3:00, and a small dinner--"

"That's so fucking stupid."

Billy frowns, "Gotta keep in shape."

"For who?" Heather demands. "It's not like you're whoring yourself out anymore, and you're not gonna let one of your old flings back into the apartment., much less your heart."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Heather's cheeks are red, as if she's been sitting in the sun all morning. Billy knows her well enough to get that she probably doesn't mean any harm by it, but her words sting, anyway.

"There are other guys in New York, Heather."

"You don't want to get to know other guys, Billy."

"Bullshit. I know you're a nosy lesbian with too much attitude wedged in her a-cup bra to notice, but some of us aren't looking for love. Some of us would rather fuck random losers."

"That's so not you."

"It's a good distraction. I could use one of those."

"It's kinda hilarious," Heather rolls her eyes, "Even you don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about protecting people."

"People like Steve?"

Billy snaps the cash box shut. "You're so bad at conversation Segway's."

"Fuck you, I'm really clever and stealthy."

"Did you talk to Robin about this," Billy demands, watching slack-jawed and furious as pink floods Heather's cheeks. "My thing with Steve isn't any of your business, and it's not interesting enough to warrant all your fucking medaling."

"I just think--"

"I don't care what you think."

"Why would you react like that when you saw each other?" Heather sits flush to the edge of her lawn chair, shoulders squared for a fight. "If what happened between you meant nothing and you'd really rather skip the greasy market-food for some imaginary sex pot you can blow and dump on Cornelia Street the second you're through with him, why would your heart stop beating when--"

Billy shakes his head. "I don't care what you and Robin have to say, I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a piece of shit, alright?" Billy snaps. "What happened with Steve, it. It was inevitable, okay? He said he loved me, and I loved him and I still do but that doesn't fucking matter because he's Steve and I'm Billy and I could never be half good enough, alright? Happy?"

When Heather doesn't say anything, Billy shoves back from the table.

"Where are you going?" Heather asks, voice small and awful.

"I'm having my two drinks," Billy says, padding quickly onto the already crowded street.

--

As far as Billy's concerned, calories don't exist when it comes to alcohol.

He finds the nearest bar cart and orders two shots of dark liquor, even though it usually makes his stomach go on strike, and shells out seven dollars of his own single-person salary for a French 75.

Then he starts walking.

And walking.

At another bar cart, Billy can't stop thinking about the first time he ever saw Steve, pulsing like a brand new heart under club lights, pretty with the kind of looks that made Billy mentally ill. So he shells out another $20 on a girly pink drink with a paper mâché umbrella.

It tastes like strawberries and Steve used to taste like strawberries in the summertime. Billy can't remember what he was so upset about, before.

He feels good. In control.

But then he gets lost somewhere near Broadway and just as he figures out how to get back to his tent, where Heater is likely up to her eyeballs in impatient customers and guilt about being endlessly right in all things, Billy spots Steve balancing a funnel cake on one arm.

His nose is red. Strawberry dappled, which means he's drunk, and he's got a cup of pale ale pinched between his teeth as he figures out how to hold his market load.

The only problem is, Steve's gorgeous and so, so fucking stupid he can't figure out that he's got two hands.

It makes Billy's heartache, thumping a little harder to the left, and he can't remember why he ever left Steve rumpled in a hotel room that night, half-hard and brokenhearted, so Billy takes the rest of his drink like a shooter, and marches up to Steve and says, "You really should be locked up somewhere."

It's meant to hurt. And bruise.

But Steve's whole face lights up and he drops the ale down the front of his volunteer shirt. "Billy," he says, sounding way too bright and happy. Soaked through.

"Shit, your uniform--"

"It's okay, thing's almost over anyway."

"Stop being so nice."

"Okay," Steve says easily, "You're an asshole, and you broke my heart, and now I'm all wet."

"Well, since we're being honest."

Steve frowns. "I dreamed about seeing you again, you know? How you'd. Have too many drinks and look at me and say you haven't been able to get it up since we split.

"I can always get it up," Billy tires flatly, and Steve smirks. It's small and barely there, but. Billy swallows thickly, "I am an asshole. You're right. A drunk asshole."

"Me too. I know."

"I was worried about hurting you," Billy admits in a rush, "I didn't want to disappoint you. I thought I wasn't ready for what we had to be more than just sex, but it already was."

"--Okay--"

"I never bottomed before," Billy blurts out. "I can get it up. You make me pop too quick, you're just. You're perfect and you're kind. You're every wet dream I ever had rolled into one, Steve." The sidewalk is waving, a little. Steve looks like he wants to touch Billy, to reach out and steady him, but he's already holding a funnel cake.

Steve nods.

Encouraging and soft and kind as ever, and Billy's never felt safe with anyone, like this. So, Billy says, choking a little, "I never let another person touch me, like that. My body or anything else. I never did. You're so good, Steve. So I let you touch me and it changed me and I don't know how to be anything else than a drunk, whining asshole. But we happened and I never ached for it before, it fucking. Knocked me on my ass, Steve. You came in and you knocked me on my ass, and--"

"Billy--"

"God, I love it when you say my name," Billy says. He wonders, distantly, what kind of mojo they put in that girly little cocktail because he can't stop talking.

Steve doesn't seem to mind, but he says, "You really hurt me," Picking at the golden crisp of his funnel cake. "Seriously, Bill, I didn't think I was gonna survive it."

Billy's knees almost give out, he's. Hot all over. Burning up with feverish grief. "I'm sorry," he says. He's a hole in the center of the universe.

"I know."

"I was afraid."

"I get that," Steve says. He shuffled the funnel cake in his hands, and Billy wonders how the bottom's not soggy yet, damaged and ready to fall out. Steve puts it on the ground. "Shit's gross."

"Yeah."

"Do you wanna," Steve says, frowning, "We could walk. And talk about it, more."

"Sure."

"I'm not saying we can get back together yet--"

"--Yet--"

"I missed you," Steve says, and he's bright as the sun.

Billy's been freezing to death his whole life, so. He draws close. Takes Steve's hand, "I missed you, too," He says. "Maybe we should get you a dry shirt?"

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 5/21/2024

get a load of this cat

listening

one of my favorite bands, Joywave, dropped a new album last week! it is not my favorite album of theirs but so it goes. perhaps it needs more time to grow on me. Sleepytime Fantasy kicks off my favorite section of the album. video game enchanted ice cave dream sequence music.

i must stay true to my own rules for this series (not a rec series, genuinely what i've been into the most this week) and the song that's been on loop all week is a genshin impact character's theme music (punchy wolf-coded ice cop who is the duke of the prison he. runs? administers? don't worry about it). unfortunately a bop. the character music lately has been a lot more modern and experimental than i expected? this one has a police siren drop

-

reading

thank you mackintosh.

i really, really enjoyed Trouble And Her Friends by Melissa Scott (LAMBDA award winner 1995)! @delta-orionis and i frequently ask ourselves "what if neuromancer was good?" and this scratches that itch for me. it is often difficult for me to take neuromancer's protagonist henry seriously, but this book features a pair of extremely practical dykes. it opens on the passing of a new american law criminalizing big swathes of online activity, passed despite a presidential veto. description from amazon

Less than a hundred years from now, the forces of law and order crack down on the world of the computer nets. The hip, noir adventurers who get by on wit, bravado, and drugs, and haunt the virtual worlds of the Shadows of cyberspace, are up against the encroachments of civilization. It's time to adapt or die. India Carless, alias Trouble, got out ahead of the feds and settled down to run a small network for an artist's co-op. Now someone has taken her name and begun to use it for criminal hacking. So Trouble returns. Once the fastest gun on the electronic frontier, she had tried to retire-but has been called out for one last fight. And it's a killer.

this startled me by how fun and competent it is! i tried reading one of the author's books last year (Dreamships) and had a miserable time with the pacing and flow of information. there are echoes of the pacing issues i had with the last book-- this is a nearly four hundred page hardcover, we have a lot of Next Locations to go to, and we are going to take our fucking time getting there. a road trip book, rather than a destination book. Scott has gotten way way better at fleshing out those locations— an artists' co-op has their skylights set to amber to hide the wear and tear on everything in their central hangout space when the feds show up. i also connected with the inciting incident way more-- someone stealing a female hacker’s name and style is instantly relatable. i am riding shotgun with Trouble. i am ready to throw down with her.

it's a very physical book in many ways, bc it has three brief sex scenes, is very concerned with sensuality in both senses of the word, and overall it's like the background in an anime that’s full of dials and buttons and little blinky lights. written in 1994, fascjnating how much concepts of VR and sensory inputs have not changed, but everyone still has the equivalent of an enormous old school desktop and giant CRT monitors set up. everyone is constantly lugging around so much physical tech. the stuff that makes you better at hacking in the net is quick reactions to VR sensations, the only way to get that cutting edge sensation is to get a physical chip or “worm” in your head, and the only people who do that are the core outcasts and freaks of the internet (the gays, the women, the people of color, the all three, presumably the furries as well). from that day to this…

there's an interesting contrast between Trouble and her old partner Cerise stalking the virtual reality bazaars/being queens of the BBS undergrounds, and the danger they feel and face when moving about in the real world. some reviewers are very cranky about how negotiations on and offline feel the same but i did not feel this particular quibble. communication is communication. it is known both on and offline that they're 1) women and 2) lesbians. they're in less physical danger online but slurs can still happen no matter where they are. also, i am well used to the necessity of having to posture and peacock and be kind of a bitch to establish myself in order to get anything done in coding/hardware scenes, which is something i don't think any of the male reviewers of the day ever had to think about.

some cowboy shit goes down at the end that had me hooting and hollering, and Scott handled the hacking scenes in an interesting way-- a sort of abstracted duel? terrific "fight" scenes. very interesting at how she will move things around in order to treat scenes in ways she's good at-- like establishing very grounded locations that feel real, physical sensations, and fight scenes-- instead of just kind of slogging through a very surface level high-overview travelogue like in her last book. ive been stuck on a fic chapter for like four years and this is making me think about doing it the fun way instead of the way i thought it should be done. this may be obvious but i am an amateur and more importantly an idiot.

this was a $6/1 book special last year at one of my favorite thrift stores, a religious shop with the absolute worst vibes in the greater houston area but some of the best stuff

-

watching

Five Dolls For An August Moon (1970, dir. Brava). sometimes you see a cool title on kanopy and you don't have a better way to kill an hour and a half. plus it had some guys i know from cowboys. tw for a suicide's body in the first fucking ten seconds of the trailer, which is a weird trailer choice bc u don't actually see most of the murders in the movie.

ive watched a fuck of a lot of spaghetti westerns so i feel i am somewhat qualified to tell you this is one of the worst dubs ive ever seen. the lines actors are quarter-heartedly delivering do not always make a lot of sense and only occasionally match the subtitles. i am assuming this is the original dub, bc kino lorber generally does a pretty okay job restoring things?

this is not a good movie (extremely troubled production, director swap three days before filming, made on a shoestring budget, the actors mostly wore their own clothes, etc). it is not very good at maintaining tension, because it is a film that first and foremost Looks. beautiful fucking sets, beautifully decorated. the exterior is a matte painting, a sort of frothy dream-bubble of sixties architecture. most of the interiors are apparently a real house. incredible experimental burbling soundtrack full of Weird Sounds.

sorry about the tubi interface and our old friend the activate windows logo.

there are so many fun directorial flourishes and staging, but it does get a little wrapped up in itself. this made me think of The Secret of NIMH, a beautifully animated talking-animal film that gave me nightmares as a child, where the animation tricks and sparkles and moving parts sort of all get in each other's way to produce something less than the sum of its parts. this sort of happens here. i'm going to yoink this from a review:

Bava’s eye for exquisite compositions is equally evident. One scene in particular stands out in this regard: The filmmaker shoots an otherwise humdrum fistfight through wooden latticework that breaks the action up into an abstracted mosaic effect. The fight culminates with a table being upended, which in turn unleashes a myriad crystal spheres. The camera follows along as the spheres tumble and cascade down a spiral staircase and roll across a tiled floor before plopping like so many bath bubbles into a tub. The scene concludes with the revelation of a recently deceased character caught in what you’d have to call a tableau morte. It’s a dazzlingly orchestrated sequence, easily on par with more famous Bava set pieces.

it's gorgeous! there's also So Much going on. another lovely bit of business: as each person dies they get wrapped in plastic sheeting and put in the walkin freezer. next to slabs of beef. not a subtle film, and i don't mean it as a diss, bc where's the fuckin fun in that?

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playing

i have not been doing much of anything here except listen to podcasts and work toward the two-thousand-fish-caught achievement in genshin. impatiently waiting for Clorinde to be released in several weeks. that one button needs a raise. it is So funny to see genshin characters with fucking guns. very sword and pike based societies so far

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making

every time i have tried to make one of these samplers for Me it's gone horribly wrong or been somehow destroyed so i'm making this one for my brother's upcoming birthday, bc he will have off-campus housing next academic year, in an attempt to peacefully do some fucking cross stitch and get something out at the end of it. pattern here on etsy

[thegreenleavesofspring]

When I say it is more effective to pray for someone than bludgeon them over the head with you are wrong what I mean is this:

Almost my entire life - perhaps not during my very early childhood, I don't remember; there was a catastrophe when I was twelve that changed everything - my mother has been in rebellion against God, if not full-on apostasy.

I grew up listening to her rail and scream at God, accuse Him. Listened to her say that she knew better than He did. Accuse Him of creating evil and being a cruel God. Just - all sorts of things. I remember perhaps twice that she ever apologized for anything when I was growing up, and one of those was with a caveat. She simply did not believe she was wrong about anything, ever.

Both of my sisters have told her to her face "You are not a Christian" and cut her off entirely. When I say that I am the only person left in the world who will speak with my mother outside of a business setting, I am not exaggerating in the slightest. (Save, perhaps, with the exception of my eldest son, who likes her visits quite a bit.)

I did not bite my tongue at all as a teenager. Since I have been an adult, most of my relationship with my mother has been biting my tongue. She is one of those people whom one wrong word will set off a chain reaction that there's no coming back from. So I stayed beside her and I bit my tongue and I prayed.

I prayed. I commended her into God's hands and acknowledged her glaringly obvious faults to Him and I prayed, I prayed for her. I pray for her now. Constantly, unceasingly, every minute I am awake, supplication for her, worded or wordless.

Y'all.

Another catastrophe has arisen. Any day now, she will be homeless, carless, old and feeble and struggling just to survive. And yet.

Of late, I stopped biting my tongue as much. I started urging her to pray. I know you don't feel like you can, I know you feel dirty, I know you're still in rebellion and feel abandoned. You need to pray. You need to pray. Just start. However. Just start praying. You need to pray.

She started praying. She spent days praying. She started reading her Bible and her devotionals. She told me she spent hours on the floor praying and sobbing until she felt empty.

She's begun filling up again. She's begun admitting culpabilities that I never thought to hear from her: culpabilities that I had long recognized and thought and disapproved of, but knew it would be worthless to say so. She admits them freely and openly. She has gone from permanent vituperation to peace. She has given up sins she has held close since before I was born.

She told me, today, about the devotional: the passage on the Good Shepherd leaving the 99 and going after the 1. And how, when He returned, He bid all His friends come and rejoice with Him.

Oh, I have been rejoicing. I have been rejoicing over her for these past couple weeks.

She is still terrified, and depressed. What is looming is terrible indeed. Neither of us is at all certain that she will survive until this time next year, but if she does not, I will have no fear: I will see her again, one day. I am certain of it.

So when I say it is better to pray for those who are astray than to belabor them with accusative "You are not a Christian", I mean it.

(And personally I think that someone with an unclear understanding of Jesus but who still acknowledges Him as the Way the Truth and the Life, is probably 'closer' to being a 'real Christian' than someone in full rebellion. But maybe that's just me.)

[theladybarnes]

CRIMSON AND CLOVER: CHAPTER TWO

"There is no shame in running.”

▸ summary: winter brings the holidays, vacations, and new worries ▸ characters:  robin buckley, eddie munson, & steve harrington 💕 (ft. dustybuns) ▸ word count: 10.2k         ▸ warnings: SMUT (18+MINORS DNI) unprotected p&v smut, angst, & fluff ▸ series masterlist

NOVEMBER

 “Okay, honey, gonna need you to ease up on the—shit that was a stop. Break!”

 You pressed down on the break gently, forcing the car into a stop at the side of the road. Frowning over at your boyfriend. “Can you please stop nagging my driving?”

 “Nagging? Baby, you missed that stop sign!”

 Glancing over your shoulder, you look back to the sign. “I did not!” You grumbled, shifting back to look at the road. “I just did a California pause.” 

 Steve scoffed a bit, trying to stop the smile that wanted to creep its way in.“Yeah, well, that California pause is gonna get us an Indiana ticket.” 

 “I wish the two of you would settle on who’s actually driving.” Robin said softly from the backseat. A glance in the rearview mirror showed you a very nervous Robin who was currently covering her face with her hands. 

 “I am driving! Steve is shutting up now.” You said with a roll to your eyes. The house of the party was only a couple blocks away now and Steve’s worrisome attitude would soon be over. 

 To be fair, the two of them had been a little on edge tonight. It had taken nearly all afternoon to convince the both of them to come out with you tonight. Jason Carver was hosting a party during fall break and you needed a mindless distraction from all the school work you’ve been diving into lately.

 Naturally, they had good reasons to be so reluctant about going. 

 Robin for the fact that most of the people there did not like her due to her status in band. And also because no one she’d actually like to talk with would be there. 

 As for Steve, well, he wasn’t too keen on the idea of going to a party at former teammate's house. After the events that happened your first year here, it was clear he was pushed out of the team’s good graces after his fallout with Tommy. 

 But after promising that you’d make sure they had a good time in your group's own fun way, they finally gave in. 

 “You know, I really don’t mind driving us.” Steve said softly, trying again to gain back some control. 

 Holding in a tired sigh, you reached over and placed your hand on his thigh. Squeezing at the limb tenderly. “Honey,” you said, stealing his own nickname for you. “Just relax, and let me take care of us okay? We’re almost there.”

 A quick glance showed you Steve slightly taken back by your slight dominance. 

 “Why did I like that so much?..” he asked himself, but sat back anyway, resting his hand on top of yours. Robin peeking out from her hands let out a small laugh as she leaned closer towards the two of you.

 “I thought by now you’d have convinced your old man to send over another car. Didn’t you complain the other day that he just got a new car for himself?”

 The bitter memory of your phone call back home brought a sour look to your face. It was supposed to be a regular end of the week check in but it turned into their big recent purchases.

 “He’s pissed I’ve ruined another car.” You pouted. “I tried to convince him it was because of the mall fire but he said since I didn’t pick a safe enough parking spot, it was on me. Which means I’m unfortunately carless once again.”

 “Not completely,” Steve butt in, squeezing at your hand again. “I’m willing to pick you up and drop you off anywhere.”

 “And me too, right, dingus?” Robin asked, looking over at her friend. Steve waved his other hand side to side. Acting like was debating whether or not to agree with her. She settled for slapping him upside the head lightly. 

 “I’m still debating on that,” he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “Trouble here though, should know she’s set for life on rides.” 

 “Rides that I’ll occasionally get to drive on?” You said playfully, watching as he laughed hesitantly with a small head shake. 

 “Still debating that too.”

 “It makes sense to take rides from Steve anyway.” Robin pointed out. “You two are together for most things anyway.”

 You turned the wheel down the next block, not really sure on how you should reply.  But honesty always seemed to be the best way to go most of the time. “I’ll need to drive on my own eventually.” you shrugged. “Especially if things are different next year..”

 The weight of those last words hit the car instantly and you tried not to physically wince at the small silence that followed after it. 

 “Right.” Steve said soon after, squeezing at your hands. Almost reassuringly. “It will be different..next year.”

 Glancing to your right, you watched as he gave you a small smile before looking out the front window. “Stop!” he said suddenly, making you slam on the break a bit. The three of you jerked forward before falling back against the seat.

 From the passenger rear view mirror, you could see a golden looking cat strutting away from the car. 

 “Well that guy came out of nowhere.” you said sheepishly watching as both of their heads turned to look at you incredulously. Nervously, you adjusted the top of your jacket, looking back to the road. “Anyway, Steve was distracting me. So now that he’s stopped we can finally get back to business.”

 “Back to business?” Robin asked as she settled back into her seat again. “You mean you back to carelessly driving while Steve tries not to go into a panic attack?”

 “Yes, but only to the second part.” Turning on the left hand signal, you checked over your shoulder to the road before setting back to the party. “I am getting us to this party, in one piece, and you two will enjoy yourselves and thank me later for having such a good time.”

 You glanced quickly at Steve, raising a brow at him. “Right, Steve?” you asked, looking for a little back up. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he finally nodded his head. Absently giving you a thumbs up as he glanced at the road. 

 “Yeah, exactly.” 

 “Sure,” Robin agreed. “We’ll have a good time. If we don’t die on the way there.” 

 You ignore the jab and keep on with your positivity. “Again, in one piece and a good time!”

 Steve thankfully sensing your slight distress held onto your hand. Rubbing at the back with his thumb. “Ease up, Buckley. Trouble’s right. Plus we’re not even that far from the place anyway.” 

 “Yeah, yeah, sure.” Robin waved off. “But if I could just say one more thing then I’ll keep quiet back here.” 

 “What is it?” You asked tiredly. 

 “You just missed our right turn.” 

 “..Fuck.” 

Things thankfully did turn around the minute you guys entered inside the house. 

 Robin was first to set off in a different direction when she caught sight of an old friend from band that had graduated previously. Leaving you and Steve to mingle your way through the crowd of kids. Surprisingly, there were a couple of old faces that seemed to be pleased to see their former classmate again.

 “So wait, the two of you were actually in the mall that night?” asked Anna Jacobi. Her Purdue sweater had a distracting splotch of beer on the front of it that kept catching your eyes.

 “We were.” Steve answered casually, trying to downplay the actual events of the night. “It was pretty crazy. Things got pretty hectic after we got our friends out. Didn’t even have the chance to really see all the damage that had gone on.”

 “I heard you guys had to be checked out by paramedics.” Said her date Mark Sutton next. “Did anyone get hurt?”

 “Well, we inhaled a lot of smoke and fell a couple of times trying to get up the broken escalator. Some of us had to get patched up.” You waved off, trying not to think about the ‘simple’ patch work like El’s leg, Jonathan’s face, and almost the entirety of Steve’s body.

 “I swore I saw Harrington with a shiner for like a week afterwards.” Said someone from the back, making you think you almost slipped up on that last part of your thoughts.

 Instinctively, you turned your body closer to Steve’s. Almost attempting to shield him from their line of curious questions. To this day the sight of his bruised and battered body still haunted you. Reminding you that had it not been for Dustin or Erica, the three of you would have faced a lot worse than truth serum. 

 “Some guard inhaled too much smoke. Then attacked Steve when he thought he was trying to keep him inside.” 

 From the side you could see Steve gave you a small curious look while the group murmured in astonishment. 

 “I’m sure the guy won if he was up against Harrington.”

 All of you snapped your head towards the source of the voice. Standing in his Indiana State sweater was Tommy Hagan. His legs wobbled a bit as he pushed his way through the small group of people around you guys. A clear sign of how inebriated he was.

 “Tommy,” Steve said dryly. “You’re here.”

 “Yeah,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “Seeing as I was actually invited and not someone’s plus one.” he smirked as he perched at the edge of the armrest, giving him the chance to look down at you two.

 “Speaking of being invited. I don’t remember inviting you over for this conversation. Why don’t you go do something useful like bothering someone else? Or going to take a swim with a slab of concrete?” you said simply, giving Tommy a glare. It’s been months since either one of you have had to put up with him and you weren’t too keen on that changing now.

 His smile faltered a bit before he shook it off to smirk at you. “Lovely as ever, Henderson. I’m actually surprised to find you here. With Stevie boy of all people. Would have thought you were done playing guard dog to freaks when he graduated.” he finished, bringing his can of beer up to his lips. 

 The comment struck a nerve with Steve. He nearly shot up from his seat but seemed to hold back from giving Tommy the full reaction he was looking for. From his side you could see his hand clench up in a fist while the other wrapped around you pulled you in closer. 

 “Is there any reason why you’re here, Tommy?” Steve asked, not leaving room to humor his inquiries. “Or was bothering us part of your list of things to do tonight?”

 The group around you guys slowly seemed to catch onto the animosity, pulling away a bit from the three of you, but not enough so that they’d miss out on the conversation. 

 “Ooh,” he cooed, smirking down at Steve. “Can’t a guy catch up with his old school chums?” 

 He looked around the room, trying to get someone to smile at him. “I just want to make my visit back home fun before I head back to school.” He turned back to the two of you, giving a sardonic smile. “That’s something Stevie boy will never have to worry about. He’ll always be here. Stuck in Hawkins, waiting to catch up with us.”

 Steve’s face hardened. You started to see red. 

 “Wow, Tommy, after all this time you’re still so obsessed with what Steve is doing.” Getting up from the couch, you sized him up for a moment as you stood with your hands on your hips. You made sure to throw in a bright smile. “I would have figured you stopped keeping tabs on him a long time ago. Then again, I guess you must be bored and bitter now since Carol dumped you on her way to OSU.”

 Finally the smile dropped from Tommy’s face as a scowl took over. 

 “Listen bitch,” he muttered, pointing a finger at you. “I don’t think you of all people here have room to talk about being dumped. Didn’t you get dumped by Billy after you wrecked his ca–”

 The cup of beer is taken out of your hand quickly and thrown into Tommy’s face before you could even react. Steve was up now, moving you to stand behind him as he stepped up to Tommy. “Watch your mouth, asshole.”

 “Wow,” he chuckled, wiping his face of any liquid. “Still got some fire in you, I see.” Standing up now, he adjusted his sweater before looking Steve in the eyes. “Why don’t you and I take this outside and settle things once and for all? That is unless you’ve gotten shittier since your fight with Byers..and Hargrove..and I guess we should count the mall security now.”

 “Fuck you.” Steve grunted. 

 The two looked like they were about to start fighting then and there when the sound of a hollering noise came up from behind them.

 “Tommy! I’m so glad you made it, man!” 

 Jason Carver, the party host, pushed his way through the small audience that had formed around you guys to make his way and hug Tommy. He quickly realized the boy had been soaked up in beer and frowned at his shirt before looking between both boys. “Is everything cool here?” He looked more concerned about Tommy than the overall situation.

 “Yeah,we’re cool” Steve said calmly, not giving room for the other boy to clue Jason in. “Tommy might need some help keeping dry, though.”

 Turning around, he gently placed his hand into yours. 

 “Come on, let’s get some air.”

 Without looking back, he led you out of the living room and out the back door of the house. The backyard was just as busy with buzzing kids, but at least had cool crisp air to give you guys some breathing room to relax from the tense moment. 

 It wasn’t until you were towards the back gate of the house that Steve let go to lean against the wood wall. Letting out a tired sigh while he kept his gaze down at the floor. 

 “Are you okay?” you asked softly.

 “No…I’m not okay.”

 “Please don’t be upset.” Reaching out, you cupped the sides of his cheeks and tried to get him to look at you. “Tommy’s an asshole. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you. Out of both of us.”

 “He’s right though..I’m still here. Stuck.”

 You shook your head quickly, needing to get some sense into your boyfriend. “You’re not stuck here. Just because this asshole puts it like that doesn’t mean shit. He doesn’t know anything you’ve been through the past two yea–”

 “Wasn’t it you just a few years ago, who told me I’d be nothing but the boy who used to be relevant?”

 Hearing your words brought up felt like a bucket of ice water thrown to your face. Surprisingly, it stung more than you thought it would. At the time the words made sense, you wanted Steve to hurt as badly as you did. 

 But things changed, he changed.

 “Yeah, I said that. And I was wrong. Okay? I was wrong and a liar because at the end of the day I did like you. I liked you so much that I had to physically keep myself away from you.” 

 The very idea of Steve thinking so far back to what you said and it possibly being something that continued to hurt him made your stomach twist up. 

 “So yeah, you’re not in tech, or state, or wherever. But you’re here with me, and you’re my favorite person in all this stupid world. Who does stuff like sticking up for me when you know I can handle angry customers, or letting me drive your precious car to lame parties, or giving me crazy hot sex at the office at work that I still think about sometimes.”

 Sighing, you make a point to take a step back from him. Giving him a small sad smile. “I said a lot of awful shit to you in the past..I’m sorry. I’d never say anything about the guy standing before me now. And you shouldn’t give two craps about your jealous ex best friend or anything he says. But I guess that’s just what I think.”

 Feeling a little frustrated, you make a move to step off towards the gate door when you’re pulled back gently. 

 Steve wrapped one arm around your lower back while the other cupped at your cheek. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, resting his forehead against yours. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. That was another time for us. I just.. I just can’t get his words out of my head. If Tommy Hagan of all people is doing better off than me–”

 “Tommy Hagan is currently throwing up on Jason’s couch,” said a voice suddenly. 

 Staggering from the side of the house was Robin. In her hands was a stolen bag of chips and an unopened six pack of beers. “I highly doubt he’s doing better than you right now.” she smirked as she came over. 

 The two of you pull apart, but keep each other’s hands linked together. Steve is still down, looking only at your hands while he sniffed to himself. You glanced over at Robin who gave you a small nod, seeming to already know what’s happened from inside the party. It brought back the twisting feeling in your gut when you remembered how much of a better mood he was earlier that day. 

 “This party blows.” you said nodding over to Robin. “Wanna go drink and watch scary movies?”

 “I know a place where we can grab a quick flick.” Robin smiled, seeming to like the change of plans. She moved over to Steve’s side, nudging him in the shoulder lightly. “Waddya say, dingus? Wanna get buzzed and watch some masked guy chase a hottie?”

 He picked his head up at that, giving Robin a slight pout before he turned to look at you. Leaning in, you gave a small kiss to the corner of his lips in effort to make him smile. “That is if you’re up for it.”

 The two of you keep your focus on Steve, leaning in comically enough that he has to hold up his hands to push both away lightly.  “Fine,” he said, a smile cracking through his lips. “But I get to pick the movie.”

 It’s weird to be ditching a party so early. This wouldn’t have happened last year. But something about leaving to go enjoy the rest of the night with Robin, Steve, and a cheesy horror movie felt right. And as the three of you made your way over to Steve’s car, you hope that he felt the same way.

  DECEMBER

 It was early one Saturday morning when the sound of a boy’s boisterous laugh woke you up. A dangerous move on the stranger’s part considering you were still in your beauty. 

 Grabbing onto your robe, you emerged out of your room. Brushing off the early sleep from your eyes to find the source of the noise pollution. Dustin, who didn’t have anyone over as far as you know, was standing in the living room surrounded by a small group of boys you recognized from school. 

 “Who’s the guy who can’t control the volume of his voice?” you muttered, giving the group a small glare. 

 Two boys in matching shirts jumped in place, not seeing you behind them. A third boy, who looked like he had seen a ghost, spat out the water he had been drinking. “D-Dustin,” he stuttered, shakily pointing over at you. “You didn’t tell us a girl lived here.” 

 “Girl?” Dustin snorted as he piled in books and snacks into his backpack. “You mean Medusa? Could’ve sworn that she was a Gorgon.” 

 “Oh you’re so funny!” You said, faking a hard laugh. “Wanna know what else is gonna be funny? Aunt Claudia’s face when I tell her it was you and your little troop of dungeoneers who dragged dirt onto her clean carpet.” 

 Dustin scoffed at the threat, getting up from the floor to cross his arms at you. “Please. There’s barely anything.” 

 “There is something, right here.” you insisted. 

 He huffed a bit before he joined you at your side. Peering down at the floor. You waited until he was distracted enough before putting him in a chokehold. Instantly he fought back, trying to get out of your vice like grip. The two of you ignored the anxious other boys as you struggled against each other.

 “Let me go!” Dustin cried out, slapping at your arms. 

 “Say you’re sorry for the Medusa comment or else your ass is grass!” you hissed, pinching at his sides. It only caused the boy to become more erratic. Flailing in your arms until he was able to release himself out of your hold. He quickly stepped back and held up his hands defensively. 

 “If you tell my Mom about any of this, I’ll let slip about seeing Steve’s little morning exit from your window last Sunday!” he yelled back. 

 You let out a loud gasp. Shocked that he not only knew about last week’s rendezvous, but was brave enough to use as a threat against you. At any other time you’d be pretty impressed about it. But since he was doing it in front of his little friends, you could only scowl at your cousin. 

 “You little shit!” you growled, moving over to begin slapping at him. He instantly fought back, slapping at your hands and arms while leaning his face as far back from your assault. The other guys in the room are slightly gaping at the childish fight in front of them. It isn’t until Mike Wheeler came barreling through the front door that you two stopped.

 “Sorry!” Mike apologized, panting out huffs of air. “We had to drop Holly off at her friend's house before my Mom could get me here. I’m ready to go.”

 Dustin made sure to jump around you in order to get around the room to his bag again. The only thing you did was grumble as you made your way back towards the kitchen to get something to drink.

 Thankfully the other boys followed Mike back out the door, calling out how they’re all ready to go while Dustin made his way over to you. His face was red from the one slap you got in on him, but he looked more sheepish than angry. 

 “Look, sorry about the comment..please don’t tell Mom about today? She’d only freak out.”

 You crossed your arms over your chest, wanting to take the petty route for this. But considering he still had something to hold over you, you settled with nodding your head. “So long as you don’t bring up last Sunday. EVER.”

 “Deal.” he laughed, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. “Wouldn’t do me any good anyway.”

 “Why do you say that?”

 “Because if she grounds you from seeing Steve, then that means I don’t get to see him either.”

 You couldn’t help but laugh at that, nodding your head again before waving him off. He turned around and made his way towards the door to join his friends outside. But not without throwing one more bit of information over his shoulder.

 “You’ve got mail by the way. Something from California!” he called out before closing it up behind him. You rush over to the kitchen table and find an envelope with your name on it. The address you had memorized by now looked up at you tauntingly. 

 “California. Seems important.” Said a voice from behind you. Eddie, who was coming out of the bathroom apparently, sauntered over to your side. Peering down at the envelope.

 “This is important, Ed.” You mumbled, ignoring the fact that he was inside your house. The nerves of what the letter could say inside was far too distracting at this point. 

 “What’s so special about this Stanford? It’s just some cushy college, right?”

 You sighed softly, checking the weight of the envelope as if that were enough to give you any indication of what could be written inside. “It’s a law school, Eddie. It’s the law school that my family and I have been anticipating for since I was a kid.”

 “Wait,” he said, leaning in carefully. “Just how important are these results to you?”

 “Like my whole future sort of relies on this saying I’m accepted.” 

He whistled at that, crossing his arms as he looked at the paper suspiciously. “You think I should bring the boys back in and do a prayer circle or something?” 

 You looked over him weirdly before chuckling at how serious he actually was. “As sweet as that is, I think I can settle with you just keeping me company.” 

 Flipping the envelope over, you carefully tore off the tip of the paper. Getting the glued tab to come off cleanly before freeing up the contents inside. It was a minute of silence as you scanned your eyes over the page. 

 “Holy shit.” you whispered.

 “Congratulations! You have been admitted to the Stanford Class of 1990!” Eddie read out before he looked back at you. “That’s good, right?” You didn’t speak as you slowly faced him. Shocked to have the words read aloud for you. 

 “I’ve been accepted to Stanford University.” you said finally.

 “You’ve been accepted.” he confirmed slowly. “Woo?”

 Finally the excitement took over and you let out a happy scream. Jumping up and down gleefully. Eddie caught on with your happiness and let out a little laugh as he clapped his hands.

With how happy you felt inside, you didn’t even stop to think about sharing some of the joy you had and threw your arms around Eddie. 

 He huffed a bit from the air being pushed out of him before gingerly hugging back. “Way to go, Princess.” he said into your ear. Sounding genuinely happy. You can’t help but let out a small cheerful laugh and press a kiss to his cheek. 

 Pulling back, you’re about to thank Eddie for the moral support when the phone suddenly rang. Dashing into the kitchen, you pick up the landline and bring the phone up to your ear. 

 “Tell me you got yours!” said Nancy on the other line.

 “I just opened it! What did yours say?”

 “I GOT IN!”

 “ME TOO!” you cried out, making the other girl on the line scream out. 

 Eddie was still standing by the table, hand over his cheek as he stared down at the letter. From outside you could hear Dustin call out his name. Nancy on the other end calls to your attention too. Making you and Eddie only have a brief moment where you both make eye contact.

 “Thanks.” you mouthed, feeling a little bad about ditching him for the phone call.  He didn't say anything but smiled and waved goodbye. Casually stealing one more glance as he made his way out the door. 

 You find yourself still smiling even after he leaves. 

 LATER THAT WEEK

 “Steve if you don’t get your hands off of me..”

 “I’m helping keep you steady.” he chuckled from beneath you.

 You were currently at the top of the ladder above the romance section. Attempting to use a pin and string to hang up the mistletoe you bought off a Christmas tree lot yesterday morning. Steve had just clocked in five minutes ago before he made his way over to you. Letting his roaming hands go around the sides of your hips while you were distracted.

 “You’re actually tickling me.” 

 He snorted at that before moving around so he could stand at the other side of the ladder, holding onto the sides to keep it in place better. You quickly pushed the pin into the roof of the store, holding a hand beneath it to catch the object. When it didn’t fall you stepped down, smiling up at the sight. 

 Not missing the chance, Steve stepped forward just a bit so that he stood right beneath it. “Looks like we’re under the mistletoe.” he hummed, moving to wrap an arm around your back. 

 “Would you look at that?” you laughed, pretending to be shocked. “It seems we are.”

 He smirked down at you before reaching up with his other hand to use the tip of your chin to angle you up to him. Bringing you in close enough so that your lips could meet in the middle. It was a sweet, simple kiss that still took your breath away by the time he pulled back.

 “Missed ya today.” he said softly, looking at you with such a warmth that it has you feeling flushed all over. 

 “I missed you too. Did you enjoy the morning off?” you asked, biting your lip in an attempt to control the grin that wanted to plaster all over your face. It was hard to keep your cool composure around him sometimes.

 He shrugged a bit, bringing a hand up to casually pull at your bottom lip. Caressing at the plump tender skin before he leaned in to quickly sneak in another peck. “Got to take care of a few things. Including stocking up for our little weekend.” 

 The two of you recently planned for a private little getaway the moment you both found out you had the weekend off. It took some convincing and switching for Robin, plus some shifts covered to make Keith happy. But you guys managed to get away with it.

 “Oh?” you hummed, blinking a little bit. You were still a bit stunned from his little bits of affection.  “Someone’s excited. I guess I should say thank you for taking care of everything.”

 “I think I know a way you can thank me.” Steve said, sounding a little too excited. “I believe last month you showed me a pretty good way to thank me.”

 Laughing, you rolled your eyes and stepped away from Steve and his workplace temptations again in order to put away the ladder. “As much as I’d love to entertain that idea, I switched shifts with Robin. I have a test I need to study for.” 

 “What?” he pouted. “You didn’t have to switch her, I could have helped you with that!”

 Again you can’t help but laugh. “As much as I’m sure you mean that, I know your method of studying..not exactly the type of thing I need for History.”

 He followed after you, grabbing the ladder quickly to help put it away in the stock room in the back. You waited until he was done setting it against the wall before draping your arms around his neck, pulling him close now that you guys had some privacy. 

 “Now if it was Chemistry..that’d be a whole other thing.” you smirked watching as his pout slowly turned into a smile. “Tonight the store gets a break from our sexual escapades, this weekend however, will not.” You curled your fingers into the back ends of his hair, giving it a light tug as you looked up at him. “I’ll be all yours for forty-eight hours.” 

 Steve grunted a bit at the tugging, pressing himself close to your front while he rubbed his hands around the sides of your waist affectionately. “All mine?” he mused softly. “Just for the weekend?”

 “Well no, I’m always yours. But this weekend will be..extra special.”

 That piqued his interest even more. Making his eyes turn dark as he leaned his face down to your neck. “Define special.” he purred, letting his breath fan against your skin before he brought his lips close to yours.

 Laughing a bit at his unbothered public flirting, you gave in to his tempting looks and gave him a kiss quickly before your mind thought about the letter in the back of your jeans. You were still debating on whether to share this news with Steve now or later on. Unsure if you could hold back the exciting secret anymore.

 “So there was this letter–”

 “There she is!” 

 The sudden waving over from the front counter quickly distracted you. Making you pull back from Steve enough to peek out and see Eddie over at the front. Raising a brow, you stepped over towards him, giving him a small smile as you moved to stand beside him.

 “What are you doing here, Eddie?” 

 “Well, I was actually here to check out Sleepaway Camp.” he said, patting the tape on the counter. “But, it turns out I owe you guys money that I already paid.” 

 Robin, who was looking at Eddie curiously nodded her head in agreement. “There’s a three day late fee, dude. The system says it was returned but never paid for.” she said pointing to the screen. Steve came to join her at the register, frowning over at Eddie briefly before he looked at the screen himself. 

 “You owe us for Dune.” he said curtly, crossing his arms. “It’s a three dollar late fee.”

 Momentarily, you ignore your boyfriend’s uncalled for attitude in order to sort out some of the mess your new friend had gotten himself into. “Geez Ed, you do know this is only for rent, right?”

 Eddie looked over to you slightly exasperated before he leaned in.“Dune turned out to be a lot harder to watch than I thought. But it was only late by a day.” he said softly. “Think you can help me out with your friends?”

 “You know we can hear you, right?” Robin asked, becoming less amused by the boy. Steve on the other hand looked a little more on the angrier side. 

 Holding a hand up, you lean over the counter and look at the screen carefully. “What day did you come in to return it?”

 “Uhh, Monday. Night time. Probably when you guys were closing.”

 You quickly thought back to earlier this week. That night had been slow, and it took you nearly an hour to convince Keith to let you off early to get an extra bit of time with Steve before he had to drive you home.

 “Keith.” you said simply. “He was the only one here that night and we all know what he’s like the last hour here.” Steve pursed his lips, ready to rebut that but you raised a brow at him. “This mess wouldn’t have happened if I had been here. But seeing as I had plans..I wasn’t.”

 That seemed to shut him up but didn’t quite take away the frown from his face. 

 Robin clicked the mouse over the screen, deleting the charge before shrugging her shoulders to Steve. “Keith does hate checking movies back in. He probably waited for one of us to do it the next day and forgot about the charge.”

 Steve looked over the three of you with a small glare before shaking his head, moving to restack the pile of tapes over by the return counter. “Whatever, I guess.” 

 Pushing the tape towards Robin, you turned to face Eddie. Pointing a finger sternly at him. “This is the last time I will help you with a late fee problem. Next time bring your movie on time, whether you understand it or not.”

 “Yes, ma’am.” he chuckled, giving Robin the money for his new rental. “Gotta say, if that’s how you work as a defense lawyer before Law school, then I can’t wait to see you after. Might have to find a way to contact you in California.”

 “California?” Steve asked quickly. 

 You couldn’t help but freeze into place. Silently cursing Eddie for spilling the secret about your recent plans in front of Steve without you getting the chance to. “Uh,” you laughed nervously. “California..it’s where I’ll be starting school next year.”

 “Wait, when did this happen?” asked Steve as he came around the counter to go over to your side. “You got into a school in California?”

 “Pfft,” Eddie snorted, grabbing his tape from the counter. “She didn’t get into just any California school. She got into Stanford.”

 Robin gasped softly, looking over astonished before she clapped. “Holy shit, Henderson. You got in?!” 

 Steve beside you is slightly taken back. Brown eyes shifting between looking between you and Eddie. Was he happy, worried, mad? For once your boyfriend seemed to be completely unreadable to you. 

 “I just found out the other day.” you explained looking between the group. 

 Eddie nudged his elbow gently into your arm, giving you a small smirk. “Hell yeah you did. And because of that bit of news, I know just the person to help me out with my many upcoming parking tickets.” he teased, throwing a quick wink. “Catch you later, big shot.”

 The three of you quietly watched as Eddie left the store. For a moment there was a bit of awkward silence before Robin cleared her throat, causing your eyes to return over to her. She looked a bit worried at Steve but quickly shot you a wide grin. 

 “Congratulations, kid. All that law nonsense you’re always bringing up is finally gonna come in handy.” 

 Despite the teasing in her tone, her smile is genuine. Making you feel a little at ease about how awkward it seemed to be.  

 “Thanks, Robin.” you laughed a little bit before turning to Steve. 

 He was looking at you with such a forlorn look before he blinked into realization. “C’mere.” he whispered, pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”

 The warmth and love behind the hug is so genuine that you can’t help but melt into his arms. Feeling Steve press a kiss to the side of your head. But even with the affection, you can’t help but still feel like something was off. 

 “Is everything okay? You looked a little sick a second ago..”

 He let out a small huff of amusement before leaning forward to kiss at your forehead. “I am, I promise. This is just..this is big news.”

 Reaching into your pocket, you pulled out the acceptance letter, opening it up for Steve to have a look at.

 Carefully, he took the paper into his hands and scanned his eyes over the page. A small smile tugging at his face before he glanced up at you. “This is amazing but..how come you were keeping this a secret? This is good news.”

 “It wasn’t supposed to be.” you said honestly. “I was going to tell you this weekend as a surprise but Eddie’s mouth is too fast for his brain to catch up and he gave it away.” 

 “How did Eddie know anyway?” he asked, slightly hesitant. Robin, who was still watching the awkward scene play out, waved the two of you off and went to the back to distract herself with work. Leaving the two of you alone.

 “He was picking up Dustin the other day for some sort of game night and saw me with the letter. It was only by chance that he found out first.”

 Steve looked a little bit unsure of your answer, but didn’t seem to go against it. Only giving you back the letter. For a moment you’re worried that he might still be upset about things, but he quickly turned to make things back to how it was before. Wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulled you closer. 

 “So I’m guessing the letter was that extra special thing you were mentioning earlier.”

 Happy to have him back in a playful mood again, you can’t help but grin up at him. Despite wanting to play cool and coy. “Yes..and no.” you hummed, pressing your hand to rest against the front of his chest. The beat of his heart was thumping heavy through his shirt. “The actual special bit is the fact that a certain set of clothes I found in Vanity Fair last month arrived in the mail for me today.”

 “Clothes?” he asked, face scrunching up in confusion. “What’s so special about clothes?”

 Tracing your hand from his chest up to the side of his neck, you watch as his throat bobbed a bit. “Well for starters they’re in red. Your favorite color.”

 “Red is nice.”

 “Yeah, so is lace.”

 His eyes widened at the reveal and you felt a big surge of pride in knowing that Steve was already enthralled with the outfit without having seen you in it yet. But his shock quickly turned back into a frown, making you worried he might be upset again.

 “That’s not good.” he said with a shake to his head.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “We’re gonna need a lot more than forty-eight hours now if I’m gonna see you walking around in lace.”

 Now it’s your turn to stare at him with a stunned look. But with the sound of Robin calling out to Steve, there’s no time  for you to even think of a response to that. Meanwhile Steve has completely soaked in the sight of you taken back for once, giving you a kiss to your cheek before he patted your behind.

 “Duty calls, Trouble.” he winked, giving you one last look over. “I’ll call you later.”

 And just like that you’re left at the counter, both excited and anxious for the weekend to come.

 TWO DAYS LATER

 There were a couple of things you learned since the start of the getaway weekend. The first thing was the fact that you and Steve were doomed to either order take out the rest of your lives, or sign up for cooking classes. 

 The second was that Steve Harrington really loved red lace. 

 “Fuck, I’m so close.” 

 The two of you had been going at this all night. Taking breaks from eating, talking, and watching tv in order to make out or mess around. Despite the fact that you two had a very healthy sex life for two working teens, you both took every opportunity that this weekend could bring. 

 “Me too.” you whimpered, rolling your hips again. Steve had you on his lap by the fireplace. Letting the heat of the fire keep your bare skin warm since the only thing left of the lace was the bra you managed to keep on.  

 The palm of his hands gripped tightly to your hips, helping you keep the rhythm that was getting the both of you closer to your third climax of the night. At this point the way you two were going it was like you were trying to start a new record. 

 “God, you’re beautiful.” Steve grunted, trying hard not to grip tightly to the soft skin of your hips. His eyes were looking everywhere from your face down to your bouncing breasts. You couldn’t help but feel a heat go over your face. 

 Leaning close, you pressed your lips against his. Trying to capture his heavy breath so that you could soak him in completely. But at the same time he’s thrusting upward to keep up with you and his cock is hitting at just the right spot. Making you throw your head back in a gasp.

 Steve wrapped you in his strong arms. Making sure to maintain the deep thrusts and keep you situated on his lap. Your hands reached out to grip against his shoulders. Sharp nails slightly digging into his skin when he thrusted into the right spot again. It caused him to grunt softly, face scrunching up in concentration. 

 He relentlessly slammed into you next, giving his everything into your pussy as he repeatedly bucked his hips up. Beads of sweat started to fall down the side of his face and you paused your bouncing to brush back the sweaty hair from his face. “Your perfect pussy is gripping on me so tight,” he growled. “I’m gonna lose it.” 

 His dirty words affect you like usual, making you not only moan, but squirm even more in his hold. “Please, baby. I’m almost there.” you whined, rolling your hips a bit. There’s a good amount of arousal that’s slicked up between you and Steve can’t help but smirk down at the sight before he glanced at you again. 

 “Don’t worry, honey. I’m gonna make you feel real good again.”

 With one hand still around your waist, keeping your body pressed to his, he used the other to cup at the side of your neck. Keeping you perfectly still to drill into you in a brutally fast sequence. One thrust, two, three, and with one hard final push, he’s hitting the right spot that has you seeing white spots. 

 Your weak body collapsed fully on top of him, falling into the ecstasy like bliss it always does while Steve rode out his orgasm. Between you two, the remnants of his orgasm started to slowly seep out, coating the upper part of your thighs. 

 “So good.” you murmured into his skin. Lips lazily peppering his neck with kisses. He pressed his lips to your forehead, gently stopping his thrusting so that the two of you could slowly fall backwards into the pile of pillows on the floor. 

 It wasn’t until a second later that the two of you pulled apart completely. Falling on your backs as you tried to gasp back some air into your lungs. But with the fire beside you still alive and spreading its warmth into the room, you couldn’t quite cool off right away. 

 But that didn’t matter, not when Steve was pressing loving kisses over your neck and shoulders as he came down from his high. He was murmuring sweet words into your skin, almost silently to himself before he settled for resting his face against your shoulder. Close to your side.

 It’s a peaceful, intimate kind of cuddling. Something you guys don’t get to have often since most of the time you’re having sex in the heat of the moment or some place you aren’t supposed to. But this was different. This was almost like playing make believe that you lived this kind of way.

 “Your thinking face is on.” Steve said softly, pulling you out of your thoughts. His hand was gently running up and down the side of your arm as he looked over at you. “Mind sharing with me?”

 “It’s nothing.” you sighed, trying to avert your gaze down. The curls on his chest were slightly slick from the heat of everything. “Just admiring the day we got to have.” 

 “Oh,” he chuckled. “So you’re thinking about it too?”

 For some reason that has you turning shy, hiding your face away from his knowing eyes and hiding in the crook of his neck. The skin there smelled like his cologne and something musky, making you take a deep inhale before you placed a kiss there. 

 “I think I could live everyday like this.”

 “What? Burnt steaks and sex every night by the fireside?” you asked, pulling away to gage his reaction. He looked very pleased with the question, nodding his head quickly.

“Who the hell wouldn’t?” he said as a matter of fact. The palm of his hand wandered from your side down to your bare backside. “Do you think they have that lace in more colors?” he said a second later, cupping at the cheek of your ass

 “Steve!” you chided, trying to hold in a laugh. But too quickly is that failing and he’s dragging you back close. Letting his lips land on yours while he kneaded at your behind. You melt into the moment, letting yourself give into Steve completely. 

 “We can have that you know.” you said against his lips. He hummed in question, not pulling back from you so that he could continue the grazing over your skin. “Live like this every day.”

 “I know,” he agreed. “Someday right?”

 While he was right about that, there was something you had in mind. It came to you the day before when you were packing for the weekend. A small spark of an idea really. No matter what you did throughout the day, the idea of sharing an apartment in the bright sunny California with Steve kept bringing a smile to your face. 

 “Well, it could be someday..or it could be next fall?” 

 He pulled away confused before you sat up to look down on him. If there was anyone that you’d want to share a room with, a home with, a life with; it was Steve. 

 “Stanford starts early next fall. And my parents want  me to live off campus so I can have a better place to stay. Meaning that I’d probably get an apartment close by. But it’d be just me alone in a new place with no friends..no you.”

 “Right.” he said slowly, not exactly sounding like he understood where you were going with this

 “But, if we work things out early..it doesn’t have to be that way.” He still looked up at you perplexed with unsurety in his gaze. You take it as a sign just to be straightforward with this now. 

“Do you think maybe you’d come with me and live together?”

 His brows furrowed together, lips pouting as he took in your formal words finally. “Live together? Like together? In California?”

 “Yes, like us in a place back home.”

 “I thought that you’d want something long distance.” he asked, eyes shifting. 

 “What, you expected the two of us to just be together almost three thousand miles apart in a completely different timezone?” 

 “Wait, you actually did the math?”

  “Steve..” 

 He held his hands up defensively, licking his lips as he nervously stuttered out his next words. “Baby, look, I don’t think I can just leave home. I-I can’t just uproot my whole life for..” he cut himself off, frowning over his own words before he looked at you nervously.

 It’s safe to say the words still hurt you to your core without being said. Enough to almost make you physically flinch inside. But the part of you that tries to hide, aka the venomous bitch, is festering off this conversation. 

 For the first time in a while, you let her out a bit. “Finish it.” you said sternly. “Finish the sentence.” 

 Steve quickly shook his head, not wanting to steer anywhere near that kind of talk. “No, no, honey. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” he pleaded, trying to reach for you. But you already reeled yourself back, getting some space as you felt the anger heat up your face.

 “Say the rest of the damn sentence, Steve. Say how you don’t think I’m worth changing your life for.”

 He moved to sitting up now. Looking at you the most serious since he’s been in a while. “I’m not gonna finish it because I don’t believe that. You’re one of the few people in my life that’s helped me for the better. I just meant that I didn’t want to uproot my life for nothing. I need to do something in order to do that.”

 “Starting a life with me is nothing?”

 He sputtered a bit. Trying to say multiple rebuttals to that at once. “Don’t twist my words!”

 “Then what is it you’re trying to say, Steve? Because as far as I know you’re not doing anything here but working at family video.” Looking at your hands you try to control the word vomit coming out but the pain in your chest is making that hard to do. “You’re still on this weird sabbatical since you didn’t make it into tech. And FYI, you could do something in California. There’s tech schools, community colleges, christ, even video rental stores. Why can’t you just do that over there where you can be with me?”

 “What, like some love sick boy following around his girlfriend while she’s off becoming a lawyer and he’s stuck renting tapes out to jerk offs?” Steve scoffed lightly, not really pleased with your suggestion.

 “No, like a man who wants to be with the supposed woman he’s in love with. Or did that mindset only have a lifespan of one school year?”

 “Stop..stop acting like it’s just that. You know it wouldn’t be an easy change! Not to mention there’s other factors.”

 “Like what?”

 “Like the fact that I have other people in my life that are important too. Not just you!”

 You look over at him shocked. Mind instantly scrambling to put together if you had even insinuated that at all in the conversation. “I never said there wasn’t.” you frowned, wondering where this conversation was going to. “You mean the world to Dustin and I know Robin is your best friend. But..I wouldn’t expect Jonathan to stick around just to wait around for me. I’d..I’d want him to venture out and find something good for him.”

 “I want that for you too. Okay? I want you to have all that..”

 “And what about you? Why don’t you want that for yourself, Steve?” You almost reached out to shake him. Wanting to make him see that this move would be so much more than just moving in with you. It’d be a whole new world, a whole new life that you believed the two of you deserved. 

 Why wasn’t he getting that?

 “What I want and what I need are different things. I need to stay and check on my friends and make sure they’re safe in this hell hole. What I want is..you.” He reached up and gripped at your hand, bringing it down to press against his chest. The beat of his heart was fast beneath the tips of your fingers. Whatever he was feeling, it was enough to make his heart panic. “All I’ve ever wanted is you because I love you..”

 “Just not enough to come with me..”

 His mouth slacked a bit and he quickly shook his head. Seemingly stumped by your words. You sniffled a bit, holding back the tears you felt pinching at your eyes. Quickly, you pulled away from his hold. Reaching over for the robe you had been wearing earlier and slipping it on before you got up from the floor. “I think I should go home.” you said softly, averting your eyes.

 “No. Wait, please.” Steve said, quickly reaching for his sweats. “You can’t just leave. Besides, it's snowing. You don’t have a car and could get hurt.”

 “I’ll risk it.” You said bitterly, making your way up to go upstairs to where your stuff was. Steve caught up in time to stop you from taking the bag from the floor in his room. You tried to pry it out of his hands but he wouldn’t let go of the bag. You settled for letting go, moving over to stand in front of his window now. 

 This wasn’t how the night is supposed to be going. The two of you were supposed to have carefree fun. But because of your big mouth, the real world was coming in and tearing it all down. “I don’t want to be here right now.” you said honestly. 

 “Please,” he said, letting out a sigh. The tip of his fingers curled over your shoulders as he slowly dragged you back to press against his front. Crossing his arms over your chest like a blanket. “This isn’t how I wanted things to go.”

 “I know, me neither.” you said softly, voice sounding small and unfamiliar. This sudden weak feeling was still so unfamiliar to you. Especially with Steve of all people. He was the only one for a while other than Jonthan that you felt you could be vulnerable with. But at the moment, it’s the furthest you wanted to be.

 He pressed a kiss to your neck, soft and loving. But didn’t push for you to turn around. You kept your gaze out of his window the pool, letting the light distract you from the eyes you know would instantly pull you in. 

 “Take my room tonight..I’ll..take you home in the morning if you still want to leave.” 

 You nodded your head, staying in place, frozen. He gave you just one more kiss to your shoulder before he fully let go. His steps dragged as he slowly made his way to the door. As if he were waiting to see if you’d change your mind. But you knew you couldn’t.

 The wood creaked softly as he tugged it close, but not before he softly said one more message. 

 “I love you, don’t forget that.”

 With that he closed up the door, officially ending the conversation and the night. The distant sound of him heading back downstairs followed along with the heavy beats of your hearts.  It was all that beat in your head as you made your way over to Steve’s bed. 

 The familiar comforting smell of his fabric softener hitting your senses instantly. It wasn’t until you dragged the covers over your body that you felt the tears break through. Reaching out, you turned off the lamp by his bed. Letting yourself be engulfed in the darkness so that you could mull over what could very much be more than just a bad night. 

  The following morning, you wake up curled in the comforter of Steve’s bed. He kept his distance throughout the night. Leaving you tossing and turning with a mixture of anxiety and anger coursing through you. Glancing at the watch on your wrist, you note how early in the day it really was. Too early for a heavy sleeper like Steve. It’d be at least a good hour or two before he stirred awake on his own. 

 Glancing at his nightstand, you hesitantly reached over for the phone. Fingers twitching just about the receiver. It didn’t feel right to do this. It felt cowardly. But if you stayed the morning and continued to talk the way you both did last night…well, you weren’t sure where things would head.

 The dial tone only rang twice before the person on the other end finally picked up.

 “Hello?”

 “Nancy, it’s me.”

 “Hey! Are you okay?” asked the girl with concern. 

 “No, I’m not okay.” There’s a tremble to your voice and you silently curse yourself for already feeling like breaking down at the comforting tone of your friend. “Do you think you can pick me up? I’m over at–”

 “I know where you are. I’m on my way.”

 It only took Nancy about ten minutes to arrive outside the driveway of Steve’s house. The moment you saw her familiar car, you quickly moved out the door. Carefully shutting it behind you as you walked down the pathway.

 Her regular curls were tied up messily on the top of her head. Sleepiness was still heavy on her face along with the remnants of her makeup from yesterday. But her blue eyes, however, were filled with a familiar worry that had you slightly relieved. 

 Guilt quickly engulfed you. Not only were you ditching Steve with nothing but a note saying you’d call him later. But you had your friend up early with no other information as to if you were okay or not. 

 It felt like nothing about this weekend was ever going to go right. 

 You quickly entered the car. Allowing the heater to warm you up as you buckled into your seat. It wasn’t until you were settled in that you were brave enough to look over at Nancy. A small smile tugging at your lips when you noticed she had driven over in her plaid pajama set. The only thing fit for the weather was her jacket and the heavy snow boots she had.

 “Thanks.” you said softly, rubbing your cold hands together. “I know it’s early and you weren’t really expecting to hear from me. But we uh…” the argument suddenly returned to your mind. Making your voice die down and water prickle at the rim of your eyes.

 “It’s okay.” she cut in softly, reaching out to grab at your hands. “We don’t have to talk about it yet.”

 Nodding your head thankfully, you look out onto the dashboard. Trying to focus on anything to control the moisture that’s trying to leak out. Nancy let out a small sigh before suddenly turning to face you.

  “Wanna get some breakfast?” she asked, causing you to look over at her. Her smile was big and she had a small look of determination on her face. While a part of you really wanted to go back home and cry into your pillow for the rest of the weekend, something about maybe dishing out your current problems over a hot plate of food sounded oddly comforting.

 “Know a place that has good waffles?”

 Smirking a bit, she changed the gear on the car. “I know just the place.”

 The low hum of music was the only noise after that. You couldn’t help but steal a longing glance in your rearview mirror. Taking in one last look at Steve’s house, and for the weekend that it could have been. 

A regretful choice unfortunately. Because as the view of the house began to grow smaller, so did the sight of Steve standing at the front of his door. Alone. With nothing but a note in his hands.

A/N: Please don’t hate me! I wanted to make sure this chapter had enough fluff, smut, drama, and set up for the future of the season. 

[helpfandom]

i got an idea, how about Carmel letters with btas riddler leaving them cards hitting that he's going to pick them up soon

Tags: @yanderefangirl + Person who requested this: @clowntrash618

Ooo~ Very smart, I didn't think about that!

I think I'm going to continue this trend of the Halloween asks being scenarios, because I am having a ton a fun.

💌 Caramel Letters- (A unnerving gift has been left behind.)

Another letter today. It seems that they were just going to keep coming. Last month it was one letter, last week it was two, and today, you found your third on your bed.

If that wasn't enough, you found the other two in middle of your home. It seems as if someone has broken in, but as you inspect the windows and doors, nothing is out of place.

Not like he would be carless enough to leave a clue like that out in the open, now if only you would open the letter...

You sigh as you look at the letter in your hands, its only sealing a green question mark. It seems familiar somehow but, how...? You think back at the people you met in the last month, although with how much Gotham is, you don't remember much. Shit, there was that one dude who wore green a lot, I think? Damn, I forgot I insulted them, maybe it's threats toward me?

You decide to simply say 'fuck it' and open the latest letter addressed to you, it's font reminding you of a corporate letter.

Hello, I have noticed that you have yet to open any of the nice messages I have left for you informing you of your adoption happening soon, and have waited for you to open this so that you are not surprised when I arrive. -your father, the Riddler.

Your brows furrow as you think of that Green man again, Riddler. Oh yeah, he was interesting, he liked to argue with you, which was strange since he was a grown man and all that, picking a fight with a child, but what does he mean 'father?'

The front door bursting open, with a grand cheer of someone saying "I'm home!" drops you out of your thoughts as you feel something behind you. Oh there's a hand on your shoulder now.

"Nice to see you open my letters finally."

[bellatrixobsessed1]

I Am Blackened Bones (Part 11)

The spirit has been a lot perkier these days. 

Now that she is mostly free from the fire she is more energetic and harder to keep still and focused. Let alone still and focused enough for Aang to try to have a conversation. Katara can’t help but to smile when she observes the spirit who has found herself a shady spot by the river.

“You’re lucky that you don’t have to worry about taking baths.” Katara comments as she dries herself off. The spirit doesn’t have to worry about fighting with friends, with finding lost siblings, with complicated politics and a seemingly endless stream of missions to go on. “You just have to worry about which shells you’d like to keep and which to throw back.” And the fire returning to lick at her fragile limbs…Katara worries about that for her. She and Aang have been doing pretty well with keeping the fire out. So the spirit is free to pick through her newfound collection of shells in a carless sort of bliss. And Katara concludes that the extra worry that she places on herself is worth it. 

“Aang has been wanting to give energybending a try.” She takes a seat next to the spirit. She kicks her shoes off and buries her feet in the sand. “Are you ready to try that? He thinks that it might help.” 

The spirit doesn’t look up. She, instead, begins arranging her shells, stacking them one atop the other until she has a tower of them with the smallest somehow at the bottom and the largest at the top.

“You’re pretty good at that.” Katara says. 

The spirit looks up at her and grins.

“So you are listening…” She mumbles. “You know, if it—the energybending—works then we won’t have to keep drenching you every hour. I know how much you hate it.” They are several days into their hourly routine of soaking the spirit. And the spirit still looks at them with a vague sparkle of betrayal in her little firefly eyes. She still spends the first few minutes afterwards pacing and shaking herself off.

The spirit begins collecting her shells. She looks around for a place to store them before holding them out for Katara to take. Katara sighs. She is getting nowhere on getting the spirit to approve of their plan. She takes the shells and tucks them into her pack. “I could make you a seashell necklace and you can wear it.”

The spirit perks up.

“But I’m going to need to be sure that they won’t catch on fire. So we’ll have to wait until we get rid of those flames for good. Aang might be able to do that with energybending.” 

The spirit tilts her head. 

“It’s almost time for your hourly dunk. Do you want to just go in yourself? Or am I going to have to waterbend?”

The spirit eyeballs the river.

“You’re lucky that Toph and Sokka are off foraging and gathering firewood. They’d just toss you right in.” 

The spirit gets to her feet and holds out her hand again. It takes Katara a moment to realize that she wants her hand held. And so Katara takes that hand. Her tummy tickles; that hand is already warm, nearly to a point that renders it too hot to touch. Oh yes, that fire is very much set to return. “I’m going to have to let go.” Katara frowns. “It’s starting to hurt.”

The spirit’s head dips in disappointment. 

“I can hold it after you—”

The fire roars back into existence and the spirit shrieks. Shrieks and stumbles. Thankfully her stumble has caused her to fall back into the river where the flames snuff out into a rolling steam once more. Katara can see the spirit’s outstretched arm reaching out from the fog. 

Katara takes her hand once more. “Can you please let Aang try. Aren’t you tired of doing this?” 

.oOo.

She is tired. 

Terribly so.

But she would rather endure this familiar fate than reckon with a new type born from energybending gone wrong. She knows how to navigate her small blazing world, years of living with it has made it tolerable. 

But just a few days of comfort have stolen that delicate tolerance. Just a few days to undo years of adaptation and resilience. Perhaps she should keep the waterbender from providing what she thinks is mercy. 

Or maybe she should embrace the pain anew. Let it in and evoke a new form of it while she is already unacclimated to what she had once come to accept. It very well may be far past the time to play silly games. The human girl’s words are confusing and sometimes hard to piece together. But she knows, at least to some degree, what is being offered to her. And there is some part of her, a part that screams out from this very very dark space within her, that screams for her to take that offer. To take that offer and save it…save this wretched thing that has been banished so far back into her soul and mind. 

Is that the part that hurts her so?

Maybe the key to her solace is to bury that nagging, pitiful thing residing in the very back of her mind. To free herself from its clutches and let it go once and for all. And then she can be free. Free of flames. Free of torment. 

Can the Avatar accomplish this for her?

Surely he can find that screaming part of her soul and subdue it. It might be that he could energybend it away and then the flames will recede for good. 

Or maybe that muffled, screaming, part of herself is the part that keeps the flames at bay. Keeps them from engulfing her completely. 

She knows only that she can’t reach that part of her on her own. 

Her head gets so foggy and so dizzy whenever she tries. 

She hasn’t tried in so, so long.  But sometimes she still hears it whispering; 20 to 55 inches. 4 tons. 55 inches.

[sleevebuscemii]

another form of white privilege is knowing how to be a karen to get what you want. like i dont ever want to BE a karen but sometimes people are fucking you over and you need to be a bitch to get what you deserve and i literally dont know how to do that. im about to be carless because my insurance team is fucking incompetent and haven’t been able to fix a broken glass and some loose wires for a month, and it’s 100% on them and the least they can do is let me keep my rental, but like. what am i gonna do. i’m gonna yell at the lady on the phone about it? im gonna threaten to take away my business? i’d rather die

[class-1b-bull]

Class 1-b as random things me and my friends have said to eachother!

I tried to get everyone multiple times but some characters got more than others </3

There is a lot of cussing, name calling and mentions of virginity but dats about it. Plus a brief mention of drug dealing.

:] :] :]

Manga- BRO! IS THIS THE BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA ULTRA ANYLISIS BOOK THAT LETS YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, THEIR QUIRKS, AND THEIR RELATIONS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS FROM THE SAME SERIES?! PUBLISHED BY HORIKOSHI, THE AUTHOR OF BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA, HIMSELF?!?!

Bondo- uh yea?

Manga- i knew you were cringe but a virgin? Do better man.

:] :] :]

Sen- WHERE THE FUCK IS CTRL+Z?!?!?

Awase- ctrl z dosent work on tattoos actually..

:] :] :]

Kuroiro - the atoms will align because im hot like that. *runs straight into a wall*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - the riddle isnt that fucking hard your just dumb as shit.

Kosei - can I give them a hint?

Kamakiri - no, fuck you.

Awase - you had to high expectations for me and tokage when making this riddle.

Kamakiri - I litterally looked up riddles for kids.

Tokage - well im obviously not a kid so that probably why I cant figure it out..

Kosei - can I pleasssseeeeeee give them a hint.

Kamakiri - fine whatever.

Kosei - ASS!!

Kamakiri - you know what? Actually... shut the fuck up!

Kosei - its a good hint!

Kamakiri - no the fuck its not.

Rin - no actually thats a great hint. Want me to demonstrate?

Awase - what is there to demonstrate???

*litterally 3 1/2 hours later*

Tokage - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES ASS HAVE TO DO WITH THE MOON?!?!??!

AWASE - FUCKING MOONING!!!!!

:] :] :]

Kendo - just letting you know, your a great friend. And I really care about you.

Kodai - being nice to me wont change the fact that your ass at mario cart.

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - *running up to kendo full sprint* hey um- quick question, could jesus do a kick flip? SPECIFICALLY with the kids hello kitty skatebord that crack dealer tried to sell us...

:] :] :]

Shishida - I dont like gossip but I thought I should let you know that monoma thinks your a drug dealer...

Kosei - why? Is he a cop?

Shishida - no but-

Kosei - is he buyin?

:] :] :]

Shoda - *crying in a voice message to the class b group chat* I just got into a car wreak and the cop had to pull me out of my carrr *loud as sniff* while fucking doja cat was talking about sucking dick... and it was really embarrassing. Oh! And I broke my leg I guess but whatever.

:] :] :]

Pony - Want my autograph? Too fuckin bad bitch! Im Beyonce type famous now I dont have TIME for your annoying ass.

Kodai - what happened?

Komori - she got 15 likes on a tumblr post.

:] :] :]

Tetsutetsu - MEN CAN LACTATE?!?!?!

Kosei - *loudly starts playing carless whisper in the distance*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - shut the fuck up I only came over to your house to watch madoka magica and pet your cat now where the fuck is kitty kitty bang bang?!

:] :] :]

Honenuki - hand.

...

Honenuki - HAND!

Kuroiro - TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST?! I aint ready for that kind of commitment man.

Honenuki - if you dont let me finish painting you nails I am going to kill your cat.

:] :] :]

Bondo - *crying while eating pretzels* he really did crank that soulja boy...

:] :] :]

Monoma - statistics show that I am better than you at litterally everything so riddle me this? If I am so fucking awesome why do I cry myself to sleep every night?!

:] :] :]

Reiko - that toddler is so fucking metal..

Like get it bitch. Tell your mom to fuck off for putting you in time out. Girlboss shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - that kid is litterally me.

Kosei - *earth shattering scream and falls off ceiling*

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - so is everyone that does crack jesus or just your mom?

:] :] :]

Shoda - thats a nice fucking rock...

Kodai - please dont fuck the rock...

:] :] :]

Awase - WTF WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEYRE NOT REAL?!

Rin - awase why would sen have a LIVE jellyfish inside of a lava lamp...

Awase - he would if he wasent a beta cuck.

:] :] :]

Pony - if I give you $20 can you draw the dude from highschool musical pregnant? Its for my cousins birthday.

Manga - first of all what the actual fuc-

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - believe it or not. But being a man. Ok? And sucking another mans dick. BEFORE MARRIAGE. Hear me out on this one... Is slightly againt the great lord above.

Kodai - jesus?

Reiko - no, ace ventura: pet detective.

...

Reiko - specifically after he climbed out of the rinos ass, naked.

:] :] :]

Sen - bro what even is this? Its low key ugly as fuck.

Rin - thats litterally me...

Sen - daymn *sticks photo in pants* ANYWAYS-

:] :] :]

Shishida - I get everyone is trying to stay calm but twerking to the fire alarm wont stop the fire!

:] :] :]

Rin - cute dogs!

Kosei - *lifting his foot* thanks I moisturize~

:] :] :]

Pony - i knew something was wrong with you when you laughed at my joke but not in the 'I watched mean girls' type of way.

:] :] :]

Komori - *walking around the house frantically*

Reiko - we would be out the door already if you didnt kiss all of your plants goodbye..

:] :] :]

Awase - I couldn't even hear that because me and kosei were talking about how hot she was.

:] :] :]

*Rin buddled up in like 20 blankets in front of a fire place*

Kosei - hot girl shit. *dives into the pile and face plants right into his balls.*

:] :] :]

Manga - can I eat your knees tall man?

Bondo - no thanks.

Manga - what if I asked in a uwu voice?

Bondo - still no.

Manga - daymn... alpha male type shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - you realize i am a dude right?

Awase - guys can have long hair?

Sen - of course they can have long hair dipshit.

Kosei - who cares if rin used to be a girl?! Hes a guy now and thats all that matters!

Rin - no I was always a guy...

Kosei - its ok man :D ill always be your friend <3