#i am capable of learning things wow

[touchlikethesun]

it's nice when you realise that you've like... learned something idk like, i was just looking for a book on a database, and i scrolled past one and immediately thought "oh that's a grolier binding isn't it?" and it was!!! i'm so tickled that i can just... recognise a specific binder now... and if pressed i think i could tell the difference between a wotton binding and a grolier binding and idk i think i can be proud of that!

[girl-bateman]

Sleepless night </3

[badjokesbyjeff]

What Pets Write in their diaries 

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary.........8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...Day 983 of my captivity....My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid. The bird has got to be an informant.I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hello hello guys!! I participated in the Octazinelle zine 😳👉👈 and this was the fic I wrote!

Link of the zine is found in the notes section. I really hope you enjoy!

graduation [octazinelle: high tide fic submission]

in the few months they have before getting ready to leave for internship, floyd and jade go through the turbulence that future uncertainties bring: where will they go, what will they do, but most importantly... what will happen to their relationship with azul?

ft. floyd leech, jade leech, and azul ashengrotto

╰┈➤ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: hello hello!! i participated in a zine titled octazinelle: high tide! you can find the full zine through here~ this was a very fun project and i'm so excited to post the fic i wrote for you guys ^^ i really care about this fic so much, so there will be additional notes that i will leave somewhere :3c don't worry, they won't be hard to find fufufu

“Floyd Leech.”

Said student is just climbing down the steps of the lecture room when he hears his name being called in an austere manner. Any remaining students in the classroom cast Floyd that ‘oh boy’ look as they leave the room. Floyd looks to the teacher’s table where Professor Trein stares at him sternly. He returns the stare with a miffed look, but he approaches the professor nonetheless.

“This is the second time this week that I have caught you sleeping in my class,” Trein rebukes. “This may be your last semester in Night Raven College before you go on your internship, but that doesn’t mean that you can be negligent in my class.”

“Uh huh.”

“Don’t give me that attitude, Leech. I do not want to give any penalties so late into the semester, but if I catch you sleeping one more time, I will. Do I make myself clear, Leech?”

“Yes, sir.” 

“You may now go.” 

Floyd steps out of the classroom with the same expression as he wore when getting called out. Damn Professor Red Squid, if you don’t wanna give detention, then just don’t, he thinks to himself. Meh, oh well. I don’t feel hungry at all, should I even go to the canteen? But where do I even wanna go? Everywhere’s so noisy. 

He walks for a bit, hands in his pockets.

Ah wait. 

There’s the supplies arriving today for Mostro Lounge. 

Floyd barely notices his frown growing ever so slightly deeper, but students walking along the same path as him instinctively step aside. Nobody in their right mind would dare interrupt a disgruntled Leech twin. 

I’m not going to help out with those. Azul can suffer with those all he wants.

“Floyd! There you are!” 

Floyd stops in his tracks. He does not look at the classmate who briskly walks up to him, but he already feels the annoyance rushing to his head. 

“Floyd, we got a paper due in two days,” the classmate yells. “We just need your part, and we'll be done! When are you gonna send it in the gc?”

“Go away.”

“Hah? Don’t give me that!” The groupmate’s voice raises in anger. “We have a literal group paper to submit, and we just need your part so that we can submit it earlier!”

Floyd faces him finally, but this time, his eyes are dilated, teeth are displayed, and brows are furrowed. An all-too familiar menacing expression. “I said go away.”

“Eep!” The classmate takes a step back, expression immediately shifting to fear for his life. “O-ok ok! Just- just submit before the 11:59 deadline in two days! That’s all I needed to say, ok!”

And right after, the student runs away.

Floyd huffs. He has now made up his mind on where to go. 

Jade is wiping the sweat off of his face in the locker rooms when one of his Octavinelle classmates approaches him. “Hey, Azul’s calling for you,” he says. “He’s by the gates right now.”

“Oh?” Jade looks up in confusion. “I thought Floyd was supposed to be with him right now.”

“Well, he’s not there now,” the classmate replies while scratching his head. “They need more backup and Azul’s calling for you.” 

“Ah, I see.” He smiles. “I shall be there, then.”

The classmate leaves the locker rooms, leaving Jade all by himself. The rest of the class has already left, eager for lunch. 

Jade slows down in cleaning himself up.

Azul’s name brings back a rip that’s been tearing at his heart. It burns in the way that electricity probably burns, maybe to a lesser degree: his body stops working the way it usually does, and his chest still reels from a shock of pain. It’s not physical by any means, though by the Sea Witch, he wishes it was. It would have been so much easier to deal with. He’d be shipped to the best hospital, all bills easily paid for, and he’d be recovering well back in Octavinelle. Or if he dies, then that is that. No more pain to feel.

No, it’s a harder kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain that makes him want to tear flesh and bone with teeth and claws, the kind of hurt that urges him to destroy a ship, the kind of ache that makes him want to burn his already burning eyes. It’s the kind of pain that won’t go away even if he does all three.

Jade breathes in. Hold it. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out…

He cannot afford to lose himself now, whether by wrath or by tears. 

He packs his bags, changes back to his uniform, and leaves the lockers. His light footsteps are overshadowed by the sounds of enthusiastic jogs to the cafeteria in the corridors. Jade takes a moment to breathe in the afternoon sunny air, letting out a bit more of his worries out of his lungs before he walks down the stairs and through Main Street. 

And soon, he finds himself nearing the tall gates of the school, where a group of students are gathered around large boxes. 

It annoys Jade that the gleam of silver hair stirs mixed emotions. On one hand, his troubles are dashed completely from seeing the very person he keeps close. On the other hand, it is the same person who’s making him go through hell.

He swiftly shifts his focus to the situation in front of him. Some of the other boxes should have been on the way to the Mostro Lounge by this time, yet there are still several of them that the other Octavinelle students have to carry. It isn’t surprising—after all, they decided to upgrade a few things, in preparation for the next dorm leader. Supplies that a simple run to Sam’s shop won’t cover, no matter how much he claims to have it all in stock. 

“Be extra careful with that. That tableware costs us quite a fortune.” Standing by the boxes with a clipboard resting on his arm, Azul watches his dorm mates as he writes notes on the clipboard. He has his dorm leader facade on, serious and stern, but even from a distance, Jade can see his slightly nervous gaze towards the supplies. 

As another pair leaves with a heavy box, Azul looks at them before his eyes fall on him. “Jade, good you made it on time.”

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets. “I thought that Floyd was supposed to help with the supplies.”

“Well, he’s not here now,” Azul answers, frowning from annoyance. “I was wondering if you had any idea as to where he is right now.”

“I don’t. His history class should have ended 10 minutes ago.” 

“Hmph, nevermind. We need to get all of this into the lounge.” He gestures to the boxes. “All the boxes are complete, and we’ll do a final count of all the supplies once everything has been moved there.”

“I see.” Jade nods. “Will you need me to assist you?”

“No, you may enjoy your lunch break after helping us move these boxes,” Azul answers. “I’ll be making my next successor do that. It’s a part of his learning, after all.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

It annoys him to feel that same shock of hurt returning to his chest. 

A bemused look crosses Azul’s face. “Does that offend you,” he teases. “I never took you for one to be tilted by that.”

Jade blinks. “Why Azul, whatever makes you think I’d be offended over that?” He smiles, with a bit more effort than he’s used to. “You must be imagining things from how little rest you have in passing on your position to the little siren.”

“You exaggerate.” He keeps his clipboard and pen into his bag. “We need to move. Jade, carry that box over there.” He points to one of the smaller boxes, marked with the word FRAGILE, and picks up another box. 

And wordlessly, Jade follows, carrying a box that must contain brand new tea sets. New tea sets that remind him that a new dorm leader and manager of the Mostro Lounge will take over. 

That his term and Azul’s will end because they’ll move up to 4th year and go their separate ways. 

Jade resists the urge to break them. He’ll carry these then find Floyd. 

Back at home, the schools of fish would band together, staying close until Floyd swam past them, splitting their perfect formation. Together, apart. Together, apart. 

Together. Apart.

Separation was not new to Floyd at all. In an “eat or be eaten” world, fish and merfolk alike live with the thought that the people closest to them may be gone the next day. Floyd has hunted before, has fought before. He’s even the one who said goodbye to his parents when leaving for Night Raven College.

But he said goodbye with the promise of seeing them again after school is done. 

He stares down at the river that runs below the bridge. This spot is rarely ever frequented by students at lunchtime, if only because everyone else is either eating in the canteen, having meetings, or just being with friends, and the bridge is on the other path away from the Hall of Mirrors. Besides Octavinelle, it feels the closest to home on this campus: here, he can watch the current flow, and the fish that live below its clean stream. 

Home, huh? Floyd wonders if home will still feel like home once he returns from Night Raven College. 

It will be the same dark passageways and bioluminescent lights, the same faces but all grown up. Except that he isn’t a child that can pick fights with anyone and nab their scales as a prize, he is to be stuck with running the family business of making deals, expanding connections, beating up people who betray their trust. Pretty much like what he already does with Azul now. 

Except that the boss that would stand with him and Jade is not Azul at all. 

The fish in the river swim with no obstacle in their path. They may split apart to avoid the occasional rock, but they would be together again. Together, apart. Together. In the small space that they share, there is no vast ocean that opens up new paths for them to split ways. Not until they swim down the cliff and into the open sea. 

Floyd has never envied river dwellers until now. 

Jade walks behind Azul going to Mostro Lounge. It’s something of a routine that started in Night Raven College. When Azul walks, he and Floyd follow him from behind. He doesn’t remember how or when it started. Probably started to make Azul’s image look powerful: he is in the front, wearing a coat that imposes authority, and Jade and Floyd standing at the back makes him look almost impossible to touch. 

Regardless of the hows or the whys, it’s a position that has always given him comfort. From behind, Jade can watch Azul. He can see if Azul is pleased with something by the bounce in his step, or if he’s pissed by the clack of his heels. And from the front, Azul can’t read Jade since he’s always looking forward, and that lets Jade startle him with a random brutal teasing remark. 

Right now, though, he wishes to not look at Azul. 

Azul appears to be beaming, and Jade knows exactly why. He’s found the perfect successor for not only leadership of Octavinelle but also manager for his prized restaurant. He’s gotten accepted in all the places he applied for his internship. 

He’s gotten accepted already into the university that he aims to go to.

Jade vividly remembers the way Azul grinned from ear to ear when he received the email. He remembers the audible, “Yes! Yes, I got in!” that almost sounded teary-eyed. He remembers Floyd saying that they should celebrate over some drinks. He remembers smiling to the best of his abilities while saying congratulations for being accepted. 

That was two weeks ago. He’s said many fake things in his life, and he would never say sorry for them. But until now, the heartless congratulations weighs heavily in his conscience. 

It’s simple, really: Azul has been working hard all his life to achieve his dreams. And Jade was there to witness the journey, from the ideas to the headaches to the defeats to the victories. It’s a huge milestone for Azul to get to stay on land and study in a place where he feels he will thrive. So it’s unfair really, to not be able to celebrate such an achievement happily. 

And yet, Jade can’t bring himself to. 

Their relationship started as something transactional. Tweels keep his secrets, Azul lets them in his plans. Tweels support him, Azul entertains them. And if Azul fails to entertain, then they will drop him like plastic to the chute. There and done. That’s supposed to be their relationship. 

So why then does it hurt to hear that Azul got accepted? Why does it hurt to think about how in a few months, he won’t see Azul as much as the present? Why does it hurt to think about the uncertainty of when they will see each other again? 

“Jade, you can put down the box over there.”

Jade blinks. He’s at Mostro Lounge. Has he been so deep in thought that he didn’t realize when he arrived?

Schooling his expression, he puts down the box on the counter that Azul gestures to, unaware of the concerned expression on Azul’s face. 

Floyd doesn’t know when he started staring into nothingness to gaze at memories, but he’s now seeing the stone stage from middle school, where his younger self is playing drums to his brother’s bass and someone’s piano. 

He remembers, he was getting irritated with the piano melody, and at the time he couldn’t pinpoint why, except that it lacked something. Now that he thinks about it, it’s because that pianist’s playing had no life. No vigor, no passion, just technique that wouldn’t get anyone dancing. “Next,” he had said and stopped playing. The pianist was protesting. Floyd forgot what he said, just that he protested that he wasn’t done playing, but he didn’t care enough to hear about it.

“Everyone sucks, Jade,” he threw his sticks to the ground. “No one’s good enough to be part of our band. Let’s just go.” And he and Jade—who was bigger than him at the time—left the small auditorium of their school. And it’s a blur, Floyd doesn’t remember why he and Jade didn’t go home right away, but he remembers very well the syncopated melodies coming from the piano they forgot to close. 

And he remembers the gasp he made, the way his heart was stirred from how alive the music sounded. 

And he remembers how quickly he swam back inside to see who’s playing, and his wide-eyed gaze when he spotted the familiar octopus.

“Hey hey, that was so cool,” he said to the flustered Azul. “Play some more, play some more!” 

“Huh? No way, I have to go soon!”

But he didn’t let him go. He insisted he play the piano as he picked up his sticks and played a beat. “Come on, just one song! Then you can go!”

And he started his beat. And when it was just him for a long moment, Floyd had wondered if Azul left. But the sound of an E minor reached his ears, and the next moment, Azul’s playing was matching to the beat of the drums. And his music had heart. It had spirit, it had technique, it had passion. 

And the best part? Azul matched his rhythm when nobody else did. 

“I knew I’d find you here, Floyd.”

Eyes turning away from his reflection in the water, Floyd looks up to the face that he’s known since birth. Jade, impeccably presentable despite having PE class earlier, walks towards Floyd, leaning on the railing of the bridge he stands on. But he does not go near him. 

“What do you want,” Floyd asks. 

“We had a new batch of supplies arrive at the Lounge today,” Jade answers. “You were supposed to help out with the unpacking.”

He only answers with a curt hum before turning back to the water below. 

He hears a sigh. And footsteps approaching.

“You’re thinking about last last week, aren’t you?”

Floyd turns again to Jade. He’s by the bridge railing now, same side as him, but he continues to keep a respectable distance. Jade doesn’t look at him directly either, his gaze directed at the horizon ahead of them. 

He’s thinking about it too.

“Yeah, you could say that,” he answers. “It’s just, really ass, y’know?”

Floyd believes that in spite of their identical genetics, they are two people with different identities, dreams, and beliefs. And don’t get him wrong, it is a lot better that way to have individuality. But deep down, there is a comfort knowing that Jade probably feels the same feeling that leaves Floyd dizzy with frustration, that binds his chest with a mix of anger and sadness. And Sea Witch knows, Floyd needs that comfort now. 

“‘Ass’, you say,” Jade repeats. “Tell me about it.” 

A beat of silence passes between them. 

“It’s just that. It takes half a fish brain to know that Azul’s got grand plans after graduation. Get into the best business school, build his own corporation, build another company, and a third company. And I’ve known this for Sea Witch knows how long, and it was all fine, I didn’t care that much, but then…”

“...But then the letter came in.” Jade fills in. 

“Yeah,” Floyd emphatically answers. “That damned acceptance letter from whosit business university came in. Like, I don’t know why, but it just made everything feel… real. That Azul’s really gonna go somewhere else. And I hate that it’s been hitting me like this for the last two weeks. I can’t focus well, I’m pissed off, Trein’s told me off about sleeping. It’s so ass.”

The silent air between the twins weighs heavier. Floyd’s eyes briefly look at the fish in the river again—the damned fish that he wants to throw a rock at so they separate too—before he turns to Jade. “How ‘bout you? Was it also the letter?”

Jade doesn’t answer right away. Floyd understands; in moments like these, Jade hesitates to speak his mind, even to him. It’s part of their nature to be cowardly, after all, just that Jade exhibits it more between the two of them. 

“... Somehow, yes, but if I were to think about it… it’s actually been a while now,” he finally answers.

“Eh? Really?”

“I knew down the line that there would be farewells to be made,” Jade says. “Like you said, Azul has already made plans for himself, and he invests in those plans, years in advance. But there’s always that part of me that wonders… if there’s space for us in those plans.” 

Floyd finds himself inhaling sharply at those words. 

“I see his goals coming to fruition, and it pains me to say that I can’t even properly support him. The letter, the new supplies, the little siren he’s going to appoint… they’re all reminders that it will all change.” Jade smiles, but in pain. “Azul won’t be the dorm leader, I won’t be the vice leader, and we won’t do the things we used to do. And we won’t see each other until perhaps the next VDC. And when we graduate… would he call an end to our agreements? Would we grow so busy that we become strangers again? We would always say that our relationship is merely transactional and that we would leave him if we get bored, but…”

Jade stops, and the air weighs even heavier. Floyd feels taken back to the first day on land, when breathing with lungs felt heavy and difficult. 

Suddenly, Jade laughs. “What clownfish have we become?”

Floyd too joins his twin in mirth. “Can’t help it, Azul makes me feel understood.”

He raises a brow. “Is it gonna be about the first time you played together with him?”

“I mean, it’s how it started,” he answers. He doesn’t realize the small smile that settles on his face as he remembers once more. “Like, back then, everyone just kinda avoided, y’know? And that’s fine, at least, I thought it was. ‘Twas fun and all to be intimidating. But no matter what I’d do, Azul always matches me. He knows exactly what to play to my rhythm. And even in how we work, he knows what’s the stuff I’d like to do or the stuff I’d do well in. It just feels nice.”

It feels too nice. 

Too nice that if it disappears, it will leave his heart bound tightly by melancholy. 

“…Hey, I can’t be the only sappy one here.” Floyd eyes Jade. “C’mon Jade, share too what’s made you appreciate Azul.”

“I already shared a lot earlier,” Jade says defensively.

“Heyyy, be fair at least. I know you have your own thing.”

“What else is there to say? You already said everything.”

“Liar. I know how you started reading your books more after meeting him.” 

“So? Those were lessons that we had to learn as well.”

“Uh huh sure. Then explain why you’ve only gotten better in everything you do after meeting Azul.”

Jade glares at him. 

Floyd grins in response. “Gotcha.”

A beat of silence, then Jade sighs. “If he makes you feel understood, then he makes me feel capable.”

“How so?”

“One reason.” He puts up one free hand, with one finger up. “He’s demanding.”

Floyd chuckles. “That’s an understatement.”

“You’re right.” Jade grins, teeth flashing. “He’s exigent. Making us run around the school to do 5 things at once, on top of schoolwork. Even before NRC, he was just like that. I assumed he was insane. Until now, I still think he’s insane.”

“You say that, but you don’t look like you’re complaining at all.”

“Because thanks to that, I wasn’t pretending to be good at something anymore.” His next smile is closed. Softer. “I went from barely comprehending a textbook and barely lifting a seashell with my magic to understanding contract language and unlocking my unique ability. He made me do things, and I planned to just make someone else do it and pretend it was me.” 

“Ohhh.” Floyd’s eyes widened with remembrance. “And then he caught you.”

“Yes.” Jade shakes his head at the thought. “And I was expecting him to laugh at me, but he didn’t. All he did was sigh and teach me. Magic, studies, law, something about the way he taught those things clicked something in me. And even the things that he didn’t teach but always talked about, like culinary and how people behave, I was able to absorb things and got better. Dare I say,” a smirk forms on his face, “I’m better than Azul in some things.”

“Like flight class.” Floyd grins.

“Like flight class,” Jade repeats smugly. 

And they stop talking. Jade turns his gaze to the distant horizon, looking at something farther than the blue of the sky. Meanwhile, Floyd glances back at the river. He understands that Jade is done talking personal. But it’s fine for him. He can almost hear the unspoken thoughts. Once Azul leaves, who’s going to be the pianist in their little band that makes their every day exciting? Once Azul leaves, who’s going to tell them that they can do it? 

Once Azul leaves, who’s going to understand them?

“So this is where you two are.”

Simultaneously, Floyd and Jade whip their heads around. Floyd swears his heart almost leapt to his chest when he saw those familiar blue eyes. 

One hand in his pocket, Azul stands on the threshold of the bridge. He and Jade fully turn around as he walks towards them until he’s directly in front of both of them. 

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets, like the conversation a while ago never happened. “How was teaching your next successor what he has to do?”

“Went well,” he answers. “His prior experiences already reassure me, but he’s also demonstrated that he knows what he’s doing. Currently, he and our other dorm mates are taking care of the supplies.”

“Weird that you’re not being so strict, considering how much you value your restaurant,” Floyd comments. “You’re not even gonna be there to make sure nothing’s going wrong?”

“I trust that things are going well with my new successor in charge. I’ve taught him very well enough,” Azul says. “But more importantly… I have matters to discuss with the both of you.”

He turns his head to look at Jade. “Jade, you’ve been out of focus lately. Just a while ago, when you were bringing the box of teacups to the lounge, you were so deep in thought, you didn’t look like you were aware of where you were going. And even during work hours, you haven’t been as sharp as you usually are. A few professors have commented on your slouched posture as well.”

Jade’s eyes widen in surprise. 

“And Floyd.” Azul turns to look at Floyd. “Professors have reported to me that you’ve either been asleep during lectures or interrupting class with an outburst. You’ve also been moodier than usual, and it shows in your cooking and your behavior. I’ve heard a few students rant about you in group projects.”

Floyd briefly remembers the group mate that approached him earlier. 

“So what are you getting at exactly, Azul,” Jade asks. “Even we have our off days as well.”

Azul casts him a pointed look. “Off days for two weeks straight.” 

He receives no quip in reply. 

He crosses his arms. “Jade, Floyd.” His neutral serious tone changes. It quivers slightly. He’s worried. “I know you two well enough that there’s something going on. Is there something that happened?”

Floyd looks away. Jade does as well.

Floyd hates the concern in his tone. It makes him want to break. It makes him want to be upfront about his feelings and how it’s been bothering him. 

But how can someone like him really tell someone like Azul that you’re afraid to lose him somehow? How can he retract all the times he said that their relationship is all transaction and no emotional connection? How do you even start bearing something so vulnerable? 

They must be the same questions that Jade is grappling with now. Jade, who’s usually good at worming his way out of any conversation, has nothing to say to leave this topic. 

Azul sighs, breaking the long silence. “Is this something that has to do with me?”

The twins stiffen. 

Floyd can feel Azul’s gaze towards him. 

A tense moment passes. 

“... I had a feeling.”

He finally looks at him but in confusion. Jade is also facing him with wide eyes. 

Azul exhales through his nose. “You don’t have to tell me anything about what you’re feeling right now. If at all.” He turns around, preparing to leave. His head is bowed down, not letting either twin see his expression. “But I just want to let you know, I’m always here if you need me. Not just for this, but for anything, even if in the future.”

Floyd’s breath hitches.

“Do you… really mean that?” Jade asks, almost meekly.

Azul looks at Jade in puzzlement. “Why wouldn’t I? You two have been with me for all these years, even in my weakest hours. It’s not like I’m going to leave you even after we graduate.”

“Really,” Floyd asks. “Even when you get really busy with university and we’re running our family business?”

“Well, I won’t deny that we will be busy,” he answers. “But I’m not letting go of you two just because of that. You know me too well, after all. And you’ve supported me all these years, it would be embarrassing to leave that unpaid.”

“You mean that?”

“Have I ever broken a promise? If you want, I can even put that on a contract and have you sign it.”

In one single breath, the binding sadness and worry that tightened Floyd’s chest leaves. 

Without thinking, he moves towards Azul and wraps his arms around his slim frame. He ignores the surprised gasp as he buries his face on his shoulder. His breathing feels lighter than it has ever been the past two weeks. 

He feels Jade joining in, hugging Azul from the other side and burying his face on the other shoulder. His breathing sounds even to any person, but to Floyd, he can hear a slight quiver, like Jade is trying to hold back tears. 

“Is… is this what it’s been all about, all this time,” Azul finally asks. His hands move to pat their heads, a motion that always comforted the twins. “You two are strange for worrying about this type of thing.” 

Despite his words, Floyd can hear the smile in Azul’s voice.

[milevenstancyendgame]

Eleven And Ableism

So I've been seeing recurring awful ableist views on El, all the way from old s1 posts to recent post-s4/s5-anticipating posts, and I won't have it.

People talking about El as though she was stupid. Because she barely spoke in s1, and in the following seasons still speaks like a child sometimes. Because she didn't learn a whole lot of things that children usually learn in our society, because she's lacking social knowledge.

This hurts me in a very personal way, because I have complex trauma too, with similar adaptations as El, and I've experienced the same discrimination, and still am experiencing it profoundly by the ableist welfare/medical system.

El doesn't talk much in s1, because she's traumatised, both in general, and freshly re-traumatised after being forced into the tank, encountering the demogorgon, opening the gate, fleeing the lab, seeing the first kind person to help her getting murdered, and then being bombarded with a ton of questions and unknown terms by a group of boys, the majority of whom don't seem very friendly towards her at first, but react to her like something abnormal/disgusting (wow, that's a lot) .

And she obviously was horribly abused during her whole childhood; objectified as a weapon and taught to not take up any space. She was just told what to do all the time. To only speak when spoken to.

She finds herself in a completely new environment full of strangers. Can you even imagine her level of fear, as a child who never was given any emotional safety, going outside for the first time and encountering strangers for the first time?

Of course, she doesn't talk much! Her whole life experience was a nightmare, why would she act like other kids?

Also, she has developmental arrest, meaning that due to the extremely unsafe surroundings she was born into, her brain couldn't develop as much and in the same way as that of other children, making her developmentally and emotionally younger than her physical age.

The crucial thing about human beings is that we need love to grow and thrive. Emotional connection creates new neural pathways in our brain. Learning is a social thing.

That is why she sometimes talks or behaves like an infant. Parts of her personality/brain are literally still that young.

Humans (and other animals) also do this thing called dissociation. It's a survival mechanism that makes you disconnect from your sensations and emotions (going internally numb).

Children who are repeatedly traumatised in infancy, rely heavily on dissociation, because a baby/toddler can't fight or run away.

A dissociative trauma response will paralyse (freeze) you or make you go limp (collapse). It also shuts down the verbal part of your brain (and other cognitive parts).

We see El going into freeze a lot in s1 when she's scared, but since it's fiction, it never lasts long, because there's no time.

And since El has been raised to be a weapon and therefore forced to fight, she taps into this trauma response frequently too.

All of this trauma-info-dump, just to give you a tiny glimpse of how incredibly intelligent El/her body/her brain is.

She went through all of this torture since she was a baby, no one loved her, and yet she survived, and yet she is still a whole person, a unique individual, a child who despite everything, is still capable of forming attachments and her capacity for love fully intact.

But people see a quiet/mute child, or a non-responsive child, and assume they are "stupid". I think it's pretty obvious who is the stupid one in this equation.

[thehollowwriter]

I think we should talk more about the mysgony when it comes to parents in media, and how fathers are favoured and praised for the most the most basic shit while mothers are demonised for making mistakes or being bad. This is gonna be a long one, buckle up.

I hate Mrs Rosehearts as much as the next guy, but it's unfair that Mr Rosehearts is not given similar criticism for allowing his wife to treat Riddle the way he does. I hardly see people bring him up apart from mentioning that Riddle's parents probably have an unhappy marriage, and some people say something along the lines of "poor Mr Rosehearts, struggling with a wife like that".

Of course, we don't know enough about his character to gauge how Mrs Rosehearts treats him, bit it's clear he just passively stands to the side when it comes to whatever Mrs Rosehearts wants to do with Riddle. That itself is very harmful and it's own form of abuse, imo.

The same applies to Alador Blight from the Owl House. He's praised for being a wonderful dad that finally came through and stood up to his "horrible wretched bitch of a wife" (who, if she was a guy, would probably have more people analysing her and trying to find ways to sympathise with her just saying)..

And while, yes, he did stand up to her and that's a good thing, the general consensus is he was a brilliant dad from the start that was held back by his wife's wicked ways. But... that's not true? His first appearance is him telling Amity to stop being friends with Willow. He ignores his children constantly, and, like Mr Rosehearts, stands passively to the side when Odaliah treats her children like her property.

He's a neglectful parent at best and just as concerned with image and status at Odaliah at worst. But... that stuff is just forgotten. Most people just say "we thought he was bad but it turns out he was manipulated by his wife". He is HIS OWN PERSON. You cannot just blame everything on his "evil manipulative wife" (which is also smt that sometimes happens irl when both parents are abusive). He is still fully capable of making his own decisions.

And again, it's unfortunate, but if Odaliah were to be given his treatment or if Alador were a woman, the general response would be "That's sad but not an excuse! I can't believe she was forgiven!"

The worst I can think of atm, is Silco and Vi from Arcane. Now ofc they're not married. But the circumstances are similar.

Silco is praised to the high heavens for being one of the best dads in animation (#1 goes to Doofenshmirtz ofc, which I agree with) and the reasons for this are because he... shows his care, puts Jinx first, and loves her. Wow. Fucking groundbreaking am I right. The bar is soooo high/s

The thing is, Jinx is a child soldier. She works for Silco, protects his shipments of Shimmer, takes out the enemies that need taken out, etc. He found her as a young child, and when we cut to the present, she's murdering people without so much as flinching, even delighting in it, and suffering badly from trauma and hallucinations.

Obviously, Jinx was not given the care she needed, and was instead trained to assist Silco.

Am I denying Silco loves her? Of course not! He clearly does. But that's just not good enough. He's a loving dad, but not a good one. He's not the father that neither Jinx nor Powder needed.

Meanwhile, we have Vi. Vi loves Powder, protects her, cares for her, tries to keep her out of harm, stands up for her, and so on. She cares so deeply for Powder, and you can see it. The moment she got out of prison, her first goal was to find Powder.

However, because she hit Powder once, and shouted at her, she's apparently an abusive monster who never cared about Powder. Reminder, she hit Powder because her entire family was killed in front of her and then she learned Powder was the reason that happened. She was like... 14? And she immediately left to calm down. She did not abandon Powder, she left to take a breather because she realised she was too angry. And when she came back, she was drugged and arrested.

Silco is a grown adult who purposefully flooded the streets of the Undercity with a highly addictive drug, turned Powder into a soldier, and is generally a terrible person, even if he is a three dimensional amd well written antagonist.

Vi started the story as a teenager suffering poverty and discrimination just like Silco, had to deal with her own parents death, then her adoptive family was killed in front of her, and then she was forcefully taken from her sister. And yet, people are convinced Vi is a terrible and abusive sister who never loved Powder?

The only example worse than this, methinks, is Stella and Stolas from Helluva Boss.

Stella is a shitty mother who ignores her daughter, which the the audience is shown via a scene were Octavia is having a nightmare and she tells Stolas to deal with it. She frequently screams and swears at Stolas and throws things at him, with no regard for her daughter's presence or feelings.

This is pretty terrible, right? Of course! Everyone knows Stella is a horrible mother.

Stolas on the other hand, is praised for being such an loving and caring father, who tries his best. He even has a song with Octavia!

Well, he also: openly talks about having sex with Blitz and how much he likes it while she was right there, told her people want her money and her body, generally doesn't pay much attention to her either bc he's wallowing about Blitz not loving him back, and doesn't give her feelings much regard.

And yet, the misogyny extends beyond just Stella because people generally agree that Octavia is ungrateful and doesn't appreciate Stolas enough. They get mad at her for disliking the fact that Stolas is cheating on her mother with an imp who's been nothing but rude to her and ruining their family further, and even mock her for feeling unloved. Hell even Brandon, one of the creators, has allegedly recently called her a "cockblocking slut" which, frankly, is a disgusting thing to say about a 17 year old girl.

Idk man I'm just tired.

[the-curious-butterfly]

Merry UnBirthday to You.

My Dearest Daughter,

I am sending you this letter for it has been too long since I saw you last. Yes, I know you'll groan out how it's only been two months, but time moves rather quickly for an old Queen. Literally, I had to run just to keep up with him, perhaps I should stop going to his castle and have him come to mine if it's really so important. He has been going on and on about something rather odd concerning cupcakes and paradoxes lately, but I digress. The matters of Time are not for the concerns of youth.

What is of concern however is your birthday coming up next week. Oh, I've just been so excited I already had the frog and fish butlers start planning it despite not knowing if you'll even be able to attend. I do hope you can and will, you can even bring that little friend with you, the one you fancy so much. Chloe Charming. You know, Ella really knew what she was doing when she raised that girl, lives up to her name in every way. Unlike Charming himself, no matter what Ella claims he was all face, personality speaking he was a mess. I was definitely the better choice.

Ahem, I probably shouldn't have said that. Wait, oh quill, please don't write that either. Drat, I really should get into the habit of writing my own letters instead of dictating them out to stationary. You know how feathers are, no mind for things that really should be omitted. As straightforward and as honest as an ostrich. Please do not show this letter to Chloe, I would hate for her to know what I think of her father. He really was good to Ella.

Anyway, I'd love to hear back from you soon, with confirmation that you and the young Charming will indeed be capable of attending. Oh, it's going to be so much fun, and don't worry. I'll have something special planned for the two of you. You can always count on your mum.

With warm regards,

Bridget of Hearts

The proudest mum in the world to have you as a daught-

Wait, no no no you don't have to write that last par

Long after they finished reading it Red and Chloe, whose head was on her shoulder, could only stare at the letter in Red's hands. It was certainly a letter to say the least. Though what had both of them glued to its contents were vastly different things. For Chloe, it was the confirmation of seeing that Bridget did indeed once have a crush on her mother (perhaps still did) and harbored a mini grudge on her father for being the one she chose instead. Couldn't blame the Queen of Hearts for that though, her mother was a catch and deserved only the best. Even if her younger self was a little difficult to be around sometimes.

For Red it was learning the fact that she has a birthday now. Something she never had before since her mother from her original timeline outlawed them long before she was born. Though the letter didn't specify the day apparently it's in October, and also she's getting a party.

A party just to celebrate her existence. Something other children in other places got but she could only ever dream to have.

...

"Wow, I didn't know your birthday was so soon."

"I didn't either." There wasn't really much else to say but the truth, though if Chloe understood the nuance she didn't bring attention to it. "Should we ask Principal Uma for permission to leave?"

Red nods then shakes her head, finally folding up the letter but still holding onto it. "I don't know."

Which is fair so Chloe gives an understanding hum in response. "We'll have to find some way to figure out what day it is first, so you can think about it in the meantime. Just so that you know it's whatever you decide, Red, no one is going to make you."

Red wants to say she knows but "She's already planning it, Chloe, how am I supposed to say no."

"Of course she is, she's excited and she's missing you. But, I also know that the Bridget I remember would never hold it against you if you decided you couldn't show. She loves you too much."

Red wants that sentiment to mean something she really does, but the Bridget she remembers also managed to turn into the one they left behind.

"I'll give it some thought."

"Great, oh and Red."

"Yes, Chloe?"

Chloe takes one of Red's hands and brings to back of it up to her lips. "Happy Birthday, my princess."

This did indeed manage to bring a hint of a smile back to Red's face, just as Chloe had hoped for.

"In Wonderland it's Happy UnBirthday if it's not the right day. I really do have to find out what the right day is, so that you can do this again on the correct one."

"I'll do it every day for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes."

Clocks, that was so cheesy how was Red not supposed to shove her away.

[annabelle--cane]

I got into tma in 2022 on a road trip with no internet and then only tangentially interacted with the fandom (light hcs, fanart) and I am. so compelled to understand what the fandom was like in 2020. what were the takes. why was it so awful. does it explain why every time I try to look into protocol I get a rancid Vibe and jump back 5 feet.

to preface: on scale, it really wasn't any worse than your average fandom, it just A) got Very popular over a short period and B) that period was during a time of particularly high stress where many people suddenly could only experience a social life online. tma is also a fairly political and progressive work, which inevitably leads to certain kinds of Takes. it also got Very popular right at the point where the episodes were reaching their peak of explicit social commentary and sustained morbid tone, which, especially combined with point B from above, drew out some really visceral reactions from a lot of people. nothing was actually inherently rancid about 2020-2021 tma fandom, there was just a bit of a perfect storm of factors.

having said that. some common discourse themes:

the perennial shipping discourse. georgie is the only one of our leads to have never killed a person, but really, I pinky promise that your ship between two unrepentant serial killers is 100x more problematic than my ship between two unrepentant serial killers.

asexuality: how dangerous is it? on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being "mostly" to 5 being "completely," how humiliating is it to be asexual? what is the singular true asexual experience that is unproblematic to write about?

wow, jonny was so out of line for writing this episode, what gives him the right to--oh he said it's directly based on personal experiences? so sorry, my bad, I'll learn for next time. wow, jonny was so out of line for writing this epi--

I did not like this episode. this is obviously a direct act of violence against me. why would an episode be Not Good when there is, in the world, Sadness?

hello, I have sorted all of the characters into a simple chart that clearly delineates which of them are completely irredeemable monsters with no interiority or motives and which of them are perfect angel victims who have only ever been nice and never hurt anyone, ever (and if they did hurt someone then that person deserved it). if I see you adding nuance to any of my rulings, I will kill you. this also extends to the podcast writers. #ilovebinaries.

the characters... are queer... and maybe even other marginalized identities as well... and yet, they do bad things? there's not even a single completely morally innocent character? by god, did they not think about the implications this might have!

web!martin. lol people are so stupid for thinking that the theory is at all plausible, media comprehension much? that would lichrally imply that a queer, poor, mentally ill character might be capable of badness. what do you mean we are currently listening to an arc where he's an accomplice to serial murder.

[dark-frosted-heart]

Roger Barel Main Route - Chapter 11

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this. I’m doing this for archiving purposes and you can probably find a better translation out there.

I got promoted from dogsbody to pet and Roger gave me a nice collar—or choker.

However, on the same night, I did a thing that was just a short step away from something lovers would do, and am now in the midst of self-reflection.

(Wah…Roger never fails to drive me mad)

Ale: Arf arf arf.

When I raised my head from my depressive state, I saw Ale running toward me.

Kate: Ah, Ale. Haha, you’re awake? Good morning.

Ale: Arf…arf?

He looked at me in confusion as if sensing my distress through his animal intuition.

Kate: Hmm. Today, I still have to write my Fairytale Keeper report. After that…

~~ Flashback ~~

Roger: Would it be good or evil to make curses disappear from this world? You don’t have to answer me now. When it comes to you, let me know.

~~ End flashback ~~

Recently, the almost lovers act between Roger and I wasn’t the only thing on my mind.

(The question Roger assigned me that day…)

(Currently, I don’t know enough about “Cursed Ones” to answer it)

Kate: I’m going to have to ask your owner about this, aren’t I?

Ale: Arf.

--

After submitting my report to Victor, I knocked on the lab door with Ale in tow.

Roger: Oh, why’re the two dogs together?

When I approached him, he tried to pet both mine and Ale’s head, so I ducked away.

Roger: Oh, rebellion.

I ignored him and bowed my head.

Kate: I have a favor to ask. Please lend me some of your research material on “Cursed Ones”. 

Roger: Hmm, my research material? These documents are like my life. Let me hear what you plan to do with them first.

Kate: Currently I don’t have enough knowledge to find the answer to your question. Even if I’m only here for a short time, I’ve met Crown and would like to take this seriously. I want to know if it’s good or bad for Crown to be cursed. I wanted to come up with an answer myself and record it as Fairytale Keeper.

Roger: …You’re the kind of girl who’s considerate of the minority.

Roger turned around and collected all his research material on Cursed ones from his desk and bookshelves—

Roger: Here. I don’t mind leaving these with you.

Books, files, and even slips of paper were all placed in my arms.

Kate: Wow, thank you so much! …But, is all this okay?

Roger: What, all that boldness earlier was just for show?

Roger smirked as if to challenge me, provoking my competitive spirit.

Kate: No way. I’ll get through all this in no time!

Roger: Hmm, then I’ll add to it. Here.

Kate: Ugh…

He dumped more materials and my arms started feeling heavy.

Roger: Broadening your horizons by learning what you don’t know is also a of strength. If you can get through all that, I’ll promote you from dog to assistant. Well, maybe the naive lil’ lady will get her heart broken…

Don’t underestimate me +4 +4

Are you trying to make me mad?

I’m capable

Kate: Please don’t underestimate me. Promise me that.

Roger: And promise me that you won’t get your heart broken. Don’t come cryin’ to me about it later.

(Geez…)

I stumbled out toward the exit with a huge stack of material in my arms.

Roger: I got high hopes for you, Kate.

Kate: …

I glared at Roger as he opened the door and left the basement.

Ale: Arf!

Ale had followed after, but then stopped and looked at his owner.

As if to say, don’t be a bully.

Ale: …

Roger: …He probably thinks Kate’s one of his own.

As he closed the door, Roger’s shoulders shook with amusement—

--

After leaving the basement, I headed toward the garden.

Kate: Let’s read outside for a change of pace, Ale.

Ale: Arf.

I sat down in a chair and started to go over Roger’s research material.

(If I remember correctly, Alec’s research materials were confiscated by the police)

(That means all of this was done by Roger)

The huge amount of material in Roger’s handwriting showed the life he spent doing research.

Kate: …I’ll read this all carefully.

And so I turned the first page on the research materials—

(A “Cursed One” is someone that’s been cursed since birth and has nothing to do with genetics)

(And I believe it’s innate, not acquired)

(Meaning, I believe that being cursed is an “individual” mutation)

There was a huge amount of material based on hypotheses and testing, and results based on those tests. Every time I turned a page, I was surprised by new facts.

As I looked over everything so as to not miss a thing, one sentence caught my attention.

Kate: …A “‘Cursed One’s’ tragic fate can’t be altered. In the past, there have been no exceptions.” Huh…?

There was something scribbled on the edge of the document.

“The more I learn about curses, the more ridiculous it gets.”   

“It’s like God’s whim and it makes me sick.”

This scribble among the clinical data brought forth Roger’s true feelings. For a moment, I stopped breathing.

He had begun his research on Cursed Ones as a child, and to this day, still hasn’t found a way to erase them.

(It’s…so absurd)

His way of life was quite like being in the dark, walking alone without knowing what lay ahead.

Ale: Arf arf.

Suddenly, I heard Ale’s barking and looked up.

Kate: Woah. What’s wrong, Ale? Is it Roger?

When I looked in the direction he was barking at, the owner of the footsteps appeared.

Ellis: Sorry, not Roger.

Kate: Ellis.

Ellis: I thought I’d give Ale a treat. Roger told me he was with you.

He offered a steaming mug to me.

Ellis: Hot milk for you.

He wrapped my hands around the mug and the warmth I felt seeping through the ceramic brought a smile to my face.

Kate: It’s warm…Thank you for your concern, Ellis.

Ellis: I wanted to make you happy.

Saying what he’d always say, Ellis patted Ale’s head.

And then—Ale’s paws were clapped together.

(Ah, Ellis’ Briar Bushes ability…)

Ale: Arf?

Ellis: Sorry, I’ll unbind you. “That’s enough”.

(Ah…)

~~ Flashback ~~

Alec: …Thank you. —”That’s enough.”

~~ End flashback ~~

In an instant, the images I had pictured in my head overlapped across time.

(Alec’s and Ellis’ abilities…are the same?)

(That means—)

I thought back to a sentence I read in Roger’s research materials.

(“Even if a Cursed One dies, the curse itself doesn’t disappear”)

(“After the Cursed One dies, the curse will reappear after some time”)

(“Humans with the same curse can’t exist at the same time”)

(If that’s the case…Then the one with the “Briar Bushes curse” after Alec is Ellis?)

As I thought over it, a finger poked at the space between my brows.

Ellis: It’s the first time I’ve seen you make a face like that. Kate, you’re starting to resemble Roger a bit.

Kate: Huh…?

Ellis: Hehe, your expression was like his just now.

Kate: What kind of face?

Ellis: Like a child completely absorbed in their thoughts. I heard from Roger that you’re studying about Cursed Ones. Is there any way I can help?

Ellis leaned forward and looked at me.

Kate: Then…Can I ask about how you and Roger met?

Ellis: Sure.

Ellis’ twilight-colored eyes wavered a bit.

Ellis: …I met Roger before joining Crown. I was already working as Jude’s assistant, but even back then, he attracted a lot of resentment from all sides. One night, Jude got stabbed with a knife and was brought to Roger’s father’s clinic. Roger was helping out at the clinic at the time—that’s how we met. So, back to the story. At that time, Jude asked Roger instead of his father to perform surgery.

Kate: Why?

Ellis: The reason for Jude’s injuries was so dangerous that the average doctor refused to treat him. However, Roger wasn’t licensed at the time and was looking for hands-on practice.

Kate: Um, so…a mutual convenience?

Ellis: Mm, pretty much.

(M-meaning he performed the procedure without actually being licensed at the time—)

(Let’s just pretend I didn’t hear that)

Ellis: Jude got injured a lot, and after that moment, Roger would secretly treat him… So I started going back there often. Roger looked really happy when he found out that we were Cursed Ones.

(No doubt he was as happy as when he met Alec)

My chest tightened as I thought about the boyish smile he’d sometimes have.

Ellis: It happened on a night Jude got injured… While Jude was asleep, Roger and I were making small talk. That night, I was listening to him talk about the time when was investigating whether Al was cursed or not.

Ellis stared off into the distance like he was trying to recall a memory.

~~ Flashback start ~~

Ellis: So this “Alfons” made you eat shoe polish cream?

Roger: Yeah, it was an illusion. That’s when I realized he was a Cursed One. But in exchange… Every time I eat cake, I remember the taste of shoe polish cream.

Ellis: Hehe, that’s a pretty big price to pay.

While they were laughing, Roger suddenly looked at Ellis.

Roger: That reminds me, I haven’t seen your power.

Ellis: Ah…maybe? Then…I’m sorry if it surprises you a bit, Roger.

Ellis touched the top of Roger’s head.

Then…his hands were clapped together as if in prayer.

Ellis: This is my ability. As for Jude, if he pokes your forehead— 

Roger: …O_O …Alec.

Ellis: Roger?

Roger: Ah, it’s nothing. It’s been a while since I last had an ability used on me so I was surprised. Ellis, you have the “Briar Bushes curse” don’t you?

(...Alec and Ellis really do have the same curse)

Ellis: …Why did Roger look so sad when he learned about my “Briar Bushes curse”? Not only that, sometimes he’ll make this face when he sees me.

(...It’s not my story to tell)

Kate: Really now.

Ellis: But I don’t want him to look sad, so I never asked about it. I want to make Roger happy too.

Roger had seen what would be Ellis’ last moments with his own eyes, so that’s why he doesn’t want him to go down the same path as Alec.

(I can’t say that avoiding that ending will be easy)

~~

Roger: I wanna make curses disappear from this world.

~~

The voice in my chest resurfaced, gripping at my heart.

Kate: …I’m certain just talking with you will make Roger happy.

Ellis: Really? Enough to kill him?

Kate: Y-You can’t!

—Ellis’ curse seemed extremely complex.

--

Over the next few days, I finished reading through the huge amount of material Roger had given me.

(I’ll go and borrow medical books this time after getting changed)

(Some medical knowledge could help me understand Cursed Ones better…)

That’s what I thought at the time.

Roger: Kate, I got good news. A new Cursed One may have been found!

Letter | Next

[spametc123]

The phrase “maybe the curtains were just blue” is genuinely so harmful to media literacy as a whole. Yes, things can just be the way they are, but almost everything exists with context. Do you exist or do you exist because of everything that has happened in the world? Your parents met, you didn’t die that one time when you were eight, you’re the person you are because of that awful haircut you had in seventh grade. You exist because of all of that.

So, nothing pisses me off more than when someone uses an incomplete quote. “A jack of all trades is a master of none” without the second half: “but oftentimes better than a master of one” (everyone say thank you Shakespeare) has an entirely different meaning. The first half by itself is utilized to shame people into ignoring things they love or are interested in; meanwhile the full quote praises people interested in a variety of things. Ignoring context literally erodes the meaning behind anything. Machiavelli said “it’s better to be feared than to be loved.” Wrong. Loud incorrect buzzer. Kind of. As Malcolm Gladwell writes, “it’s not wrong, exactly, it’s just incomplete.” (Or something like that anyways.) Yes, Machiavelli did write that. Congrats! But you forgot a kinda, semi, VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT component of that quote. “It is better to be feared than to be loved if one cannot have both.” It should be common sense right? I wish. Ask anyone about their opinion on the incomplete quote and see how many of them think they’re revolutionary when they say “oh I’d rather have both!” If the full quote doesn’t seem to make a difference in your mind, great! But there’s still more context that you need to know to actually understand it (let alone teach it (Mr. History teacher that is NOT a philosophy teacher and should not try to be one)). The quote is from The Prince, a writing in which Machiavelli talks about what makes a good leader. In his opinion, The Prince should know when to utilize love and fear to his advantage. Be loved by your people and feared by your enemies. Seem more trusting than you are so you can see who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He says that one should prefer to be feared than to be loved in time sensitive situations, not sustainably. That when things need immediate change being feared makes a stronger and more effective leader (which is unequivocally correct and I’m tried of hearing otherwise). So again, without context: a random quote that no one agrees with or really understands at all, whatsoever vs. with context: the assertion that in times of need it is better to be respected and feared than it is to be loved. Or, a personal favorite “dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.” I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am. Oh wow! So cool, he thinks therefore he is - being capable of thought means I exist, how neat! Not wrong, sure, but lacking context. What makes the philosophy so powerful is the fact that it’s a paradox. You doubt your existence, therefore you are capable of thought, therefore you exist. Because you doubt your existence, you prove that you exist. But if you are then confident you exist, do you no longer exist anymore? And now you doubt it again. Without context, it’s just words on a page, nothing notable or interesting. Without looking for the context it’s yet another thing people will complain about having to learn because “why does it even matter?”

It’s the same with characters. Armand is batshit fucking insane, yes, but he only is that way because of who he is. The tv show fails his character when they age him up, because even with some of his backstory, he is the way he is mainly because he’s eternally trapped in the body of a 17 year old. ____ is too trusting! Maybe in different circumstances, yes, but that character is the way they are because of the life experiences they’ve had. ____ is the right amount of trusting for the life they’ve lived.w

It’s the same for people too!!! Please find it within you to have basic human empathy! Someone is the way they are because of their life experiences. You can’t have something happen to you, good or bad, and not be affected by it. Someone can only change if their experiences change. No, it’s not your responsibility to change someone’s behavior or to tolerate it, but it is your responsibility to try to understand why someone is the way they are.

Empathy and media literacy are so clearly intertwined it’s would be comical if it wasn’t depressing. Read between the lines, try to understand things that you don’t get immediately. The curtains aren’t just blue. It doesn’t matter if it’s to represent sadness or just because it’s the author’s favorite color or even because the author was so indecisive they made someone else pick it, there’s still a reason. Anti-intellectualism is the curse that keeps on dooming us all.

[thesensteawitch]

How Does Your Spirit Guides See You?🤍👁️‍🗨️

Pick A Pile

(Left to Right- Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3)

Hello Senstea Souls!

In this reading, you'll learn how your spirit guides see you and what message they have for you. Feel free to pick more than one pile if your intuition says so. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

Feel free to message me in case of any tarot reading related questions :⁠-⁠)

Booking Form|My Rate Card|Tip My Jar

Pile 1

The color your spirit guides associate you with: Yellow

My beautiful pile 1, there's a very strong message coming from your spirit guides which I would like to spill first. They want you to know that they see you as someone rare. You are one of a kind. To them, you're one of the most attractive beings on Earth. They love you for your grounded spirit. They love your brain. You may look intimidating to others but from within you're such a child. I sense strong Sagittarius and Libra placements. Your spirit guides are very protective of you. They see you as someone who will never let the scales go imbalanced. They see you as someone artistic with the capability to fill the souls of the world with art, metaphors, and colors. You're so strong to them that no matter what happens they know that you can turn your hurt into an artistic masterpiece. I am getting a strong victorious vibe from the pile. They adore how no one can ever take away the kindness that you possess. No amount of pain can make you empty of love. Wow, beautiful! One day you'll hold a prestigious position in life all on your own. That's where you are headed and that's where your spirit guides are helping you get to. Who says we come empty-handed? You are walking this Earth with a bag full of something to give to the world. Surprisingly, it's never empty. It never fails to give. They see you as someone who learns from life no matter what. You consider yourself to be the eternal student of life. Your pieces of advice are precious. Your spirit guides see you becoming a great teacher or inspiration for others. This is unusual but they love your colored hair. And if you don't have your hair colored then take it as a sign to get them colored. It would suit you. Some shade of blue or pink. Your spirit guides want to tell you that nothing is set in stone for you so you can always change your path and you'll only learn something new that will eventually help you in serving your greater purpose. I hear, “And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear. Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close?” Wow! What a beautiful message. Some spirit guides may be lovers from your past lives or loved ones who have passed away. They love you very much!

Pile 2

The color your spirit guides associate you with: Blue/Green

Hello my beautiful pile 2. The straightaway message from your spirit guides is that they know that you know what you are doing. Your spirit guides see you as a very aware and alert being. They love that you know what you wish for and what is the intention behind the wish. They see how hardworking you are and you don't take your achievements for granted. You recognize them and give yourself credit for your own hard work. They sometimes see you getting tempted by worldly matters but at the same time with your strength, you pull yourself back from the hell hole and can balance things out. They see that you are emotionally attached to your materialistic achievements. They see you as someone who has no shortage of ideas. Great and achievable ideas keep coming to you. Because of your strong mind, you can manifest the desired outcomes. Your spirit guides know that you don't know when to stop. You'll probably keep working till the end of your life and will keep achieving things. In their eyes, you are an overachiever. Your spirit guides sometimes test you to see if you'll fall into the temptations of materialistic pursuits. They want you to learn detachment from the results. Because in life you'll get disappointed. And they don't want you to struggle when you receive a rejection or a failure. They want you to cherish the work you put in. Because they adore the quality in you to rebuild things and take care of the minute details in every project. They love how you make sure nothing misses your sight. They see that there is an air of mystery around you. You don't show every side of yours to everyone. If someone knows one then the other knows another. You've come a long way from feeling small to feeling accomplished. Your spirit guides want you to know that you are not alone they are always with you. They want you to be honest and not hide your true self from the world. Don't block your emotions thinking that they don't exist. Don't let work distract you to the extent that you forget why you even started in the first place. Don't let your emotions be the price you pay to get your thirst quenched. They know you can achieve anything you put your mind to but your spirit guides are only asking you to not ignore your social life. Take it as a sign and call an old friend.

Pile 3

The color your spirit guides associate you with: Gray/Red/Orange

Hello, my dear pile 3. Your spirit guides feel so sorry for you. They have been sending messages to you. They see that you have choices but you always choose the road that is going to bring suffering you. You burden your soul with the decision you have been consistently making. They see your fear. They see you getting overwhelmed and losing hope. You say that you are committed to something but over and over again you have been making a terrible choice. A choice that seems easier but is heavier on your mind, body, and soul. It's pure torture. You are choosing to take the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. You are performing takes which are impossible for a human being to carry for their whole life. You are trying to achieve everything at once. They see your wishes and they too want them to come true. But they want you to take one thing at a time. You are ignoring the fact that the tasks you think can be managed can't be. They want you to know that you can do ANYTHING in your life but not EVERYTHING. Especially not all at once. There's no doubt that you work so hard but they want you to put that hard work only on one goal or a maximum of two at a time. Not more than that. They are going crazy trying to tell you this. Now you have brought havoc in your own life. Through chaos, you will learn. They see you as someone very stubborn. All these qualities are of an achiever. The only problem is that you are not focused on one task or else you would have achieved a goal by now or at least would have seen the desired outcome. They see that you are indecisive and are afraid to take a decision. You need an adventure or a break to find your true purpose. Currently, your spirit guides see you as someone with so much potential and they don't want it to be wasted. I hear, “I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It's me Hi, I am the problem it's me.” They know you can do it. Your spirit guides want you to know that they stand with you during this test of time. They know you can make it through it.

[learning-needle-lace]

Recently, I submitted a piece to be exhibited in a local art nonprofit’s gallery for the month of February. Now I am feeling all sorts of things about having my lace in an exhibition for the first time. It's making this silly little hobby I picked up on a whim from the internet feel so much more 'real'.

more ramblings about making art feelings below or read this post on substacks

While I've dedicated a lot of time to learning needle lace over the last few years, I still often feel like a beginner in over my head. There is just so much to learn with lace-making, and I have just scratched the tip of the iceberg. I am always looking for the next way to improve and the next technique to learn. This leads me to not recognize and appreciate what I have already learned and am capable of.

Having to get out, remount, frame, and submit a piece I finished 2 years ago forced me to stop and reflect on my work. I had gotten so wrapped up in what was next that I never took the time to give the finished piece the care and praise it deserved. It looked so professional when I got it into its frame. I had a big ‘wow! I actually made that, with my own two hands!!’ moment with giddy giggles when I hung it on my wall. I felt proud of the work in a way I hadn't before and was keen to take it to the exhibition.

When I went to the exhibition’s opening night, I was so wrapped up in admiring the other works that I almost walked right past my own. I think that was exactly what I needed. There and then, I could see my lace from a perspective of just appreciation- the same kind I was giving to all the other pieces.

I didn’t hang around to see if others admired it, because that wasn’t what it was about for me. I needed to share it offline to make myself realize that my little hobby is also art. That it can be both simultaneously.

The strangest part is, this isn’t the first time I’ve exhibited this piece, or artwork in general. Shortly after I finished this lace, I entered it in the local county fair. I grew up loving the community entries and participated when I could, but hadn’t for a number of years. The ladies who checked the piece in were very excited, which of course made me happy, but none of the process of entering it made me stop and think about my work in the way this exhibition had.

I also used to enter art shows and competitions frequently with my photography and digital art. I’ve had pieces hung in DC at Capitol Hill. I’ve placed in international, national, and local competitions. I’ve won best of show, I’ve not placed at all, and everything in between. I thought I knew what to expect putting this lace on display, but it changed those expectations and transformed my outlook on making.

It’s easy for me to write my own skills off. I think to myself “Of course, I know how to do what I already do, how else would I do it??”. I don’t stop to contemplate how I gained that skill and the time and work that went into using it.

Putting this little hobby on exhibition was my wake-up call to give my artistic endeavors credit and love. This doesn’t mean I will let myself become stagnant in my learning or making. However, I need to slow down, stop, recognize, and appreciate what I've already accomplished (even if the project isn't finished yet).

[timeforsomethrillingheroicsblog]

Syd/Richie Fic Recs

WIPS

Corner - Syd and Richie get sent on a roadtrip to pick up a new stove for The Bear, but they might get more than they bargained for along the way (Chapters: 3/?. Characters: Sydney Adamu, Richie Jerimovich, Carmen Berzatto, Neil Fak, Natalie Berzatto, Original Male Characters. Word Count: 8,510)

Loser Bitch (All The Way Down To The Bones) - Loster. N. A person or thing that loses or has lost something, especially a game or contest. (Chapters 2/3. Characters: Sydney Adamu, Richie Jerimovich, Carmen Berzatto, Marcus, Tina, Angel, Gary Woods, Natalie Berzatto, Eva Jerimovich, Emmanuel Adamu. Word Count: 7,623)

MULTI-CHAPTERED WORKS

In a New Light - Syd likes Richie a lot more than she initially thought she did. The only problem is that she isn't sure they're capable of liking each other without drawing blood. (Chapters: 5. Characters: Carmen Berzatto, Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 24,871)

SERIES

It Happened One Night - Sydney learned a long time ago to take her anger out on something she can’t hurt. (Works: 2. Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Characters: 13,449)

ONESHOTS

All Good Here - The only times that Syd and Richie had ever managed to get along were in fleeting moments, seconds that never lasted long enough and were always brought to an abrupt end with a sarcastic or scathing comment. (Characters: Carmen Berzatto, Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 3,599)

As Long As You're Here - Sydney has had a really, really long month and now she's 5 second away from throwing a glass at an annoying bartender. (AU. Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 4,508)

Bone Broth - It’s a gray Monday afternoon when Sydney rounds a corner at the grocery store and sees him at the other end of the aisle. (Characters: Sydney Adamu, Richie Jerimovich. Word Count: 10,020)

Chill Out - “You’re cold.” “Am not.” (Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 2,141)

I Close My Eyes and the Flashback Starts - "D'ya like Taylor Swift or not, Syd?" (Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 2,410)

I Feel For You - The thing with Richie was an accident; as much as going down on a man in your boss’ office after work can be an accident. (Characters: Carmen Berzatto, Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 3,318)

The Horoscope Today Said Things Would Go My Way - "What happened to 'rules are just unhelpful suggestions' and 'let go and live a little, Sydney'?" (Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu, Tiffany Jerimovich. Word Count: 1,909)

Tough - "Thanks," Syd said. "Mike, right?" "Berzatto," Mike said. He grinned, lopsided, and said, "It's a family place." (AU. Characters: Sydney Adamu, Richie Jerimovich, Michael Berzatto, Carmen Berzatto. Word Count: 13,737)

I'll Sleep in the Rain Under Your Headlights - “Wow, Richie, that’s so charming. You’re so fucking charming.” “Yeah, sweetheart, you could learn something.” (Characters: Carmen Berzatto, Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 6,407)

Mindfuck - "Alright, just checking. Because yesterday, you didn't even like me." "Well, whoop-de-fuckin'-do, I changed my mind," Syd said. (Characters: Carmen Berzatto, Eva Jerimovich, Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 25,232)

Sheets to the Wind - Sometimes you just want to be kissed. Sometimes you just need to feel somebody. Sometimes you have like, ten beers and you’re both there and bad tension is still tension so you make out. (Characters: Richie Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu. Word Count: 3,318)

[dballzposting]

KEEPING IT REAL WITH JIREN & TOPPO

First of all I love that the final antagonist of the arch was somebody who fights for nobody but himself, but not because he has a wonderfully large ego like Freeza, but rather because he purposefully chooses to and has crafted a philosophy that calls for this. He, unfortunately, believes this with his full capabilities of conviction. He has sacrificed so much in this belief.

So many times Goku and the others credit their strength to the way that they fight for others. Then here comes a guy who is unfathomably strong, and he has gotten here by fighting for nobody but himself.

But in the end he can't win, and it is the teamwork of the most UNLIKELY DUO that brings him down. And as these two diametrically opposed warriors both sacrifice their time in the ring in order to bring Jiren down with them, Jiren realizes that the "secret" to the Seventh Universe's strength is "the power of trust."

Which again. I am kind of sitting here in awe about. Goku and Freeza. Took a chance on each other because they had to. Goku and Freeza. FREEZA. He didn't want to do it. He did not want it to end this way. But he did it. With a heated fervor he did it. With a tactician's clarity he ended this all the while incorporating Goku's strength into his strategy. And they entrusted all to Android 17 as the last man standing.

And then it turns out that the Grand Zenos had a greater meaning behind this whole tournament, and that if the winner's wish had been a selfish one, they would have just wiped out all of reality as being not worth it! But if it was the "right" wish, a selfless one, then all the universes would be restored by the wish itself. They were sure that if the winning mortal wasn't already virtuous, then the challenge would have made them so.

Which. By the way. In all the philosophy our human minds have mustered. There are several distinct and overlapping theories as to what morality and ethics COULD EVEN BE. But on Dragon Ball Super, the supreme rulers of the multiverse have spoken: indubitably, morality is Helping Out Your Fellow Mortal even at the expense of yourself. WOW! Glad that the endless discussion has been concluded!!!

Morality is about MERCY and TRUST and ALTRUISM. It is Strength and Love and Passion.

WHAT A LOVELY AND COMPELLING STORY !!!!

Anyway back to Jiren.

He got really relatable and believable at the end there. Oh My Lord. He had felt the intolerable pain of loss in his time, and it at first encouraged him to respond to the villain who had wrought it. After his second great loss, he then could not deny what was glaring him in the face: that "might makes right." That's why he lost the first time, and that's why he had lost the second; it was because he wasn't strong enough, because HE wasn't strong enough, he could not rely on something as fallible as teamwork and virtue in order to win. All those things are corruptible, beliefs can change - but the hard, tangible reality before him is that when two opposing forces meet, THE MIGHTIER ONE WILL WIN.

And that was how he made sense of his world. Any organism is tasked with making sense of its world, and that perspective needs to meet the needs of the organism. Us humans, as instinct, incorporate emotional, social, logical, practical, and spiritual nuances when we are tasked with "making sense." It has to make sense TO US, therefore use all that we have to offer.

I appreciate Jiren as a character who so succinctly conveys our own nature to us. At moments of survival, one of the many vital tasks of the nervous system is to figure out the WHAT. Past the moment of impact, we continue to "make sense" of what it was retroactively, as its effect on us permeates. This is how we learn for next time. When Jiren first experienced that loss in his youth, he at first found his purpose in virtue, and that he was justified in righting this wrong both morally and by his own internal feelings of rage. After he lost again, he made a new sense by wiping away what now seemed like distractions so that he could see the overwhelming villain for what it was: SHEER POWER, nothing else. His comrades disassembled, his new family was destroyed. They could be conquered and their behavior altered. They could be killed. The only intransient thing that Jiren had seen was the absolute rule of cause and effect, of win and lose, of kill or be killed. Might makes right because might decides what happens at all, it IS morality by virtue of being the last man standing, it is reliable.

So in a perfectly predictable twist of fate, Jiren commits himself in totality to the rules that had destroyed him. But this time, he would yield the reins and use that law for his own favor. He has been convinced of the irreproachable legitimacy of Might, and he would have it for himself.

Because here's the thing. And this is what I'm REALLY interested in. This is what it all comes down to, everywhere you look, and what I'm so delighted to see expressed in his character.

WHAT was he fighting for? Rather, WHY was he still fighting? Not for hope, not for goodness, not for others. For himself, okay, but why does he NEED this?

He's not fighting FOR something, but AWAY from something else - he is compelled to keep improving in order to avoid EVER FEELING THAT LOSS AGAIN, by his own admission and by the other characters' astute wording.

But it's not just the pain of loss. What he is so utterly compelled to FIGHT AGAINST, what he cannot TOLERATE, is the feeling of HELPLESSNESS.

I felt that feeling a lot in this arch. I felt it from the Destroyers and Kais sitting on the bench, knowing that their lives were on the line but that all they could do was sit and stifle it, while their angels sat blithely behind them. Are even gods just pawns in this grand cosmos?

Okay let's get real. The human reflex (and ability at all) to Avoid Feelings is what grants us our traumatizability. Something about our relatively huge frontal cortex allows us to suppress sensations, reactions, feelings, and other interoceptive experiences that would normally be restorative. The reason that animals don't get traumatized seems to be because they experience in totality their own activation, the freeze states if engaged, and then the release of the energy that had been mobilized in their system for survival.

I am not bullshitting you. Read Dr Peter A Levine

One of the biggest obstacles in trauma healing for humans is our reflex to AVOID HELPLESSNESS and therefore to AVOID embodying our own freeze responses. It's a complex and bizarre thing, but our own health and survival is interwoven through all of our neurological layers, and so deficits or damage presenting to our "higher" layers of mammalian perception very much can generate a response that we'd think more typical of the "lower" layers. The pyramid base of our most primitive coding supports all of us. The essence of the freeze/collapse seen in an overpowered reptile can be seen in a human infant overwhelmed by a lack of warmth and loving care. To a social mammal, not feeling that connection is devastating and means death. And a baby cannot fight or flee. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I AM NOT BULLSHITTING YOU!!!!! Read this book & his other books & other books by people like Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Mate ETC

(Image ID: Super Interesting book called "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter A Levine)

The key to resolving trauma is to be able to move through, or rather embody and gradually release, the visceral reality that did not get processed at the time of impact. The basic fundamental rules of instinct can still be found when we talk about more "abstracted" forms of trauma like developmental and emotional. But understand that one person is one structure of unity, necessarily so because how could we have evolved otherwise - and mind IS body and body IS mind, and invoking response in one entails a response in the other. Mind and body are not distinct entities in anything but prevailing societal philosophies.

Soooooo. Anywayyyyyy. Bear with me here. A lot of human trauma comes when a freeze state is entered and never properly exited. Those states are meant to be self-terminating, but through the power of the human brain, we can avoid letting things flow naturally. And again, in the complex evolutionary nuances of us primates, this doesn't have to be a hard collapse. The same instinctual wiring can be founds in things like a partial collapse of some systems (voice not working, anyone?), all the way over to just a general dull & dead disassociation. When sympathetic arousal of the nervous system pays out no dividends, the last resort is to full-reverse into parasympathetic shutdown. But when that happens, the "survival energy" (as is frequently termed in the book I mentioned above PLEASE READ IT) does not just go away. It was still mobilized, the muscles are primed, the nerve cells are primed, all systems are go, but it all just STOPS for a bit. To give the tiger time to give up on you. And then, when it's time, freeze will terminate, and all that energy is still there for you to either launch a rageful counter-attack or to engage in a quick flight - whatever seems to give you the higher chance of survival.

As the energy is held in reserves, so is the full state that you entered freeze with. All of the visceral sensations of rage, fear, and helplessness.

That is why humans avoid exiting a freeze. BECAUSE THAT STUFF IS REALLY HARD TO TOLERATE. The experience drove you to overwhelm for a reason. And if your nervous system did not develop in an environment of love and warmth and support, then it'll be less tolerant of difficult sensations, and you'll be more prone to disassociation and distraction. Many of us just go into shutdown kind of immediately without ever knowing it because we're detached from ourselves, we just know that we don't and can't do things but we don't feel "anxious" like what everyone else is talking about so what gives? (<- Me. But I have a lot more interoceptive awareness now so I can track it and so now I'm awesomne. I mean I'm still immensely fucked up. But there is now hope.)

Again it's all a very complex subject that fascinates me to no end & that I cant fuking explain becasue what do i know. Please Read Books <3 Please look up "somatic experiencing" or maybe just read the books. I have given that book above as a gift to several different people and I am going to keep doing it

So basically coming into contact with your own frozen-over intensely vulnerable states in order to move through them (resolve, release, renegotiate, etc), is a challenge. Human beings are fiercely social and our nervous systems are wired to respond to each others'; we cannot live alone, and we certainly cannot heal alone.

SO WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH JIREN FROM DRAGON BALL SUPER ????

I'LL TELL YOU. He is literally just running hardcore from that feeling of helplessness. He is resolved to Never Feel It Again.

And the person he represents you see all of the time in real life. There are one million ways to avoid resolving what needs to be resolved, overexertion is definitely one of them. There are definitely gym rats who exhaust their muscles in order to avoid feeling their twitching unrest, to avoid feeling small and weak. Think about the sort of mindset that a lot of people have when it comes to working out. It seems to be about punishment and discipline. Of course the people who have it right understand that it's about vitality, enjoyment, and patience - but think about how hard it is to convince someone more toxic-minded of that. Harboring that trapped survival energy will reduce the complexity of your thoughts and your comfort in having them; you get caught in black-and-white dichotomies, you get stuck in "kill or be killed," you get stuck in obsessive compulsions, you can't comprehend letting things flow and you can't be okay with it, your social systems shut down and you cannot feel the support of others, you don't feel in control, and everything at its roots seems to be about your own fear; so you overcompensate.

Jiren has made sense of his world. It is a vital thing to do. And he has decided what he has to do to overcome his enemy. But the reason that he continues to FEEL the enemy when it is no longer present is because he has not healed. His enemy is the horrible helplessness he had felt. It haunts him. It stays with him. He tries to conquer it. But it follows him. It threatens to one day consume him. And he finds the enemy in external circumstance (as we are biologically geared to do, at our lowest levels, to orient toward and to locate the possible threat, toward what has elevated us so), but the real enemy is within. It's because his pain has not been resolved. It is because he has not learned how to befriend his bodily states and to move through them.

And this is KEY here - It is because he has REJECTED FRIENDSHIP, the necessary visceral feeling of safety and love, which would serve as both his safe spot and his empowering resource as he ventures into his most difficult feelings. You need good experiences to counteract the bad in order to unwind those knots.

We see this sort of stuff all of the time in every single one of us. Jiren was a sensitive little boy with no reason not to be, who (like the best of us) felt every ounce of his world with wonder - and then he had it all ripped out of him by the most horrible circumstances ever. And with the threat still looming, he couldn't ever rest. That sort of chronic stress will twist you all up. And then when his world flipped over again, it must have been a huge relief to just embrace a simple, BELIEVABLE philosophy, and to just dedicate all of his anger and fear toward one task.

I'm just impressed to see it portrayed so plainly on Jiren. It's all of us. It's not hard to see, but there are many ways to see it. It takes a certain sensitivity and skill to pluck it out of the world and write it all down. And then especially his short conversation with Top that this post started with screenshots of. If he suffered such an intense loss so young, and then again years down the line, of course he can't make any connections. He's not just out of practice, but susceptible to opening the door to that pain again.

I really liked how this arch was about trust in the end. I noticed throughout it the prevalence of duos (two Zenos, Beerus & Champa, Androids 18 & 17, Piccolo and Gohan teaming up, and especially KALE AND CAULIFLA), but I tend to hone in on duos for my own complex reasons of being so I figured that that was just me. But then in the end when it took the Most Unlikely Duo In Cinematic History to take out and teach Jiren, I was like oh my word ... Poetic cinema.

So that's my post. I LOVE how it was all handled. So succinct as always in order to leave more room for the fighting. Unlike my posts which are long despite my best efforts. Thanks for reading. And read that book!! Chao <3

[andmaybegayer]

What are some of the coolest computer chips ever, in your opinion?

Hmm. There are a lot of chips, and a lot of different things you could call a Computer Chip. Here's a few that come to mind as "interesting" or "important", or, if I can figure out what that means, "cool".

If your favourite chip is not on here honestly it probably deserves to be and I either forgot or I classified it more under "general IC's" instead of "computer chips" (e.g. 555, LM, 4000, 7000 series chips, those last three each capable of filling a book on their own). The 6502 is not here because I do not know much about the 6502, I was neither an Apple nor a BBC Micro type of kid. I am also not 70 years old so as much as I love the DEC Alphas, I have never so much as breathed on one.

Disclaimer for writing this mostly out of my head and/or ass at one in the morning, do not use any of this as a source in an argument without checking.

Intel 3101

So I mean, obvious shout, the Intel 3101, a 64-bit chip from 1969, and Intel's first ever product. You may look at that, and go, "wow, 64-bit computing in 1969? That's really early" and I will laugh heartily and say no, that's not 64-bit computing, that is 64 bits of SRAM memory.

This one is cool because it's cute. Look at that. This thing was completely hand-designed by engineers drawing the shapes of transistor gates on sheets of overhead transparency and exposing pieces of crudely spun silicon to light in a """"cleanroom"""" that would cause most modern fab equipment to swoon like a delicate Victorian lady. Semiconductor manufacturing was maturing at this point but a fab still had more in common with a darkroom for film development than with the mega expensive building sized machines we use today.

As that link above notes, these things were really rough and tumble, and designs were being updated on the scale of weeks as Intel learned, well, how to make chips at an industrial scale. They weren't the first company to do this, in the 60's you could run a chip fab out of a sufficiently well sealed garage, but they were busy building the background that would lead to the next sixty years.

Lisp Chips

This is a family of utterly bullshit prototype processors that failed to be born in the whirlwind days of AI research in the 70's and 80's.

Lisps, a very old but exceedingly clever family of functional programming languages, were the language of choice for AI research at the time. Lisp compilers and interpreters had all sorts of tricks for compiling Lisp down to instructions, and also the hardware was frequently being built by the AI researchers themselves with explicit aims to run Lisp better.

The illogical conclusion of this was attempts to implement Lisp right in silicon, no translation layer.

Yeah, that is Sussman himself on this paper.

These never left labs, there have since been dozens of abortive attempts to make Lisp Chips happen because the idea is so extremely attractive to a certain kind of programmer, the most recent big one being a pile of weird designd aimed to run OpenGenera. I bet you there are no less than four members of r/lisp who have bought an Icestick FPGA in the past year with the explicit goal of writing their own Lisp Chip. It will fail, because this is a terrible idea, but damn if it isn't cool.

There were many more chips that bridged this gap, stuff designed by or for Symbolics (like the Ivory series of chips or the 3600) to go into their Lisp machines that exploited the up and coming fields of microcode optimization to improve Lisp performance, but sadly there are no known working true Lisp Chips in the wild.

Zilog Z80

Perhaps the most important chip that ever just kinda hung out. The Z80 was almost, almost the basis of The Future. The Z80 is bizzare. It is a software compatible clone of the Intel 8080, which is to say that it has the same instructions implemented in a completely different way.

This is, a strange choice, but it was the right one somehow because through the 80's and 90's practically every single piece of technology made in Japan contained at least one, maybe two Z80's even if there was no readily apparent reason why it should have one (or two). I will defer to Cathode Ray Dude here: What follows is a joke, but only barely

The Z80 is the basis of the MSX, the IBM PC of Japan, which was produced through a system of hardware and software licensing to third party manufacturers by Microsoft of Japan which was exactly as confusing as it sounds. The result is that the Z80, originally intended for embedded applications, ended up forming the basis of an entire alternate branch of the PC family tree.

It is important to note that the Z80 is boring. It is a normal-ass chip but it just so happens that it ended up being the focal point of like a dozen different industries all looking for a cheap, easy to program chip they could shove into Appliances.

Effectively everything that happened to the Intel 8080 happened to the Z80 and then some. Black market clones, reverse engineered Soviet compatibles, licensed second party manufacturers, hundreds of semi-compatible bastard half-sisters made by anyone with a fab, used in everything from toys to industrial machinery, still persisting to this day as an embedded processor that is probably powering something near you quietly and without much fuss. If you have one of those old TI-86 calculators, that's a Z80. Oh also a horrible hybrid Z80/8080 from Sharp powered the original Game Boy.

I was going to try and find a picture of a Z80 by just searching for it and look at this mess! There's so many of these things.

I mean the C/PM computers. The ZX Spectrum, I almost forgot that one! I can keep making this list go! So many bits of the Tech Explosion of the 80's and 90's are powered by the Z80. I was not joking when I said that you sometimes found more than one Z80 in a single computer because you might use one Z80 to run the computer and another Z80 to run a specialty peripheral like a video toaster or music synthesizer. Everyone imaginable has had their hand on the Z80 ball at some point in time or another. Z80 based devices probably launched several dozen hardware companies that persist to this day and I have no idea which ones because there were so goddamn many.

The Z80 eventually got super efficient due to process shrinks so it turns up in weird laptops and handhelds! Zilog and the Z80 persist to this day like some kind of crocodile beast, you can go to RS components and buy a brand new piece of Z80 silicon clocked at 20MHz. There's probably a couple in a car somewhere near you.

Pentium (P6 microarchitecture)

Yeah I am going to bring up the Hackers chip. The Pentium P6 series is currently remembered for being the chip that Acidburn geeks out over in Hackers (1995) instead of making out with her boyfriend, but it is actually noteworthy IMO for being one of the first mainstream chips to start pulling serious tricks on the system running it.

The P6 microarchitecture comes out swinging with like four or five tricks to get around the numerous problems with x86 and deploys them all at once. It has superscalar pipelining, it has a RISC microcode, it has branch prediction, it has a bunch of zany mathematical optimizations, none of these are new per se but this is the first time you're really seeing them all at once on a chip that was going into PC's.

Without these improvements it's possible Intel would have been beaten out by one of its competitors, maybe Power or SPARC or whatever you call the thing that runs on the Motorola 68k. Hell even MIPS could have beaten the ageing cancerous mistake that was x86. But by discovering the power of lying to the computer, Intel managed to speed up x86 by implementing it in a sensible instruction set in the background, allowing them to do all the same clever pipelining and optimization that was happening with RISC without having to give up their stranglehold on the desktop market. Without the P5 we live in a very, very different world from a computer hardware perspective.

From this falls many of the bizzare microcode execution bugs that plague modern computers, because when you're doing your optimization on the fly in chip with a second, smaller unix hidden inside your processor eventually you're not going to be cryptographically secure.

RISC is very clearly better for, most things. You can find papers stating this as far back as the 70's, when they start doing pipelining for the first time and are like "you know pipelining is a lot easier if you have a few small instructions instead of ten thousand massive ones.

x86 only persists to this day because Intel cemented their lead and they happened to use x86. True RISC cuts out the middleman of hyperoptimizing microcode on the chip, but if you can't do that because you've girlbossed too close to the sun as Intel had in the late 80's you have to do something.

The Future

This gets us to like the year 2000. I have more chips I find interesting or cool, although from here it's mostly microcontrollers in part because from here it gets pretty monotonous because Intel basically wins for a while. I might pick that up later. Also if this post gets any longer it'll be annoying to scroll past. Here is a sample from a post I have in my drafts since May:

I have some notes on the weirdo PowerPC stuff that shows up here it's mostly interesting because of where it goes, not what it is. A lot of it ends up in games consoles. Some of it goes into mainframes. There is some of it in space. Really got around, PowerPC did.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

BTS Healing Messages

I felt pulled to this one, since most are in the Military, and that process tends to be a difficult one, although being an idol is difficult in itself.

Jin (Snake spirit)-The first things that comes to mind is that he has some healing to do from his enlistment. This is a time for him to work through the things he went through and figure things out. He has become a new person through this experience, and it is time for him to shed the old parts of himself that hold him back. He might want to take things slow regarding coming back into music, although he may not have a choice, but baby steps are what he may need. This card urges him to practice self- care and self-acceptance, and to forgive oneself and others of past deeds. It is a time to step into a new way of being.

Suga (Koala Spirit)-When I see this card I just think meditation practices would be advised. This is a time of reflection for him. A time to chill and relax. To learn to take things step by step. It is not a time overdo things at all. The card talks about someone being easily distracted or using distractions to avoid the uncomfortable. As I try to type this, I keep missing keys, it is hard for me to type, this indicates he is distracted, confused, and out of sorts energetically, legit I am struggling to type here, this is crazy. This may indicate a need for him to slow down, as I am trying to slow down typing this. He might need to work on dealing with his struggles, although very hard, learn to face it whatever is going on, rather than avoiding it. I will stop here, because I am struggling to type here. Positive vibes sent his way right now.

RM (Ant Spirit)-This is a time for him to work on collaboration. To learn to work as a team with the people he is with right now. Wow, the difference in typing here, his mind is clear and sharp I see. Typing speed back to normal here, that's crazy, anyway. This card just indicates for him to be a team player. To learn not to do things on his own. More people are better than one. He might want to do things on his own, claim his independence, but this is a time for him to accept help and support from others and work together to build a strong sense of community with the people he is surrounded by in the Military. Not too bad of a message here.

Jhope (Squirrel Spirit)-It is a time for him to gain confidence in his ability and skills. He has all the tools to get where he needs to be. There may be some confidence issues right now. He may be uncertain about his capabilities to do things, but this card tells him he's got all he needs. He is strong, powerful and capable of handling whatever comes his way. This card urges him to look back at all he has overcome, and recognize he will overcome this, like he has done before.

V (Mouse Spirit)-It is a time for him to take things small, simplify his life. To tend to the small details in his life right now. This isn't a time to overdo things, or overwork himself, little by little. Just do things bit by bit and eventually he will reach his end goal. He should learn to not try to do all things at once. This card urges him to focus on the little details around him, his energy seems a bit distracted as well, since I am also having a bit of difficulty typing here again, but it feels more like he is trying to do too much. He might be trying to perfect everything. He might try to do things on his own, rather than seeking help from others. Man, strong Cap energy there, I feel him on that as a Cap, but this card urges him to slow down, and take things step by step, it would lead to less stress in the long run.

Jimin (Horse Spirit)-The time is his, it is a time of liberation and freedom. Why do I feel free himself from the constraints of his mind. He may feel he is limited, but he is as free as he wants to be. This is a time to release control of the mind. He might want a bit more freedom regarding his life right now. But although the situation may be stifling, his mind constrains him more than he is. This card tells him that life is an adventure, no matter the circumstances, learn to adapt to the situation at hand. He is not as stuck as he thinks he is, but clinging to the past can leave him that way.

Jungkook (Dolphin Spirit)-This sucks, but this is how I grow, comes to mind when I see this card, yeah Military sucks, but there can be some good that comes out of it. It can be bad, but also be good. There are bad times and good times, both are true. Life is a duality, sometimes a contradiction. Working with the flow of life is needed for him right now. Learning that things are not as black and white as maybe as he used to be. Maybe he is questioning beliefs' he may have had before. This is a time for him to open up to new beliefs, but still hold his own, both can be true, but also can be wrong. There is sometimes no right or wrong, but different perspectives, maybe he is learning this lesson now.

Alright, interesting messages, this may be my favorite reading to do. I kind of find these reading pretty comforting.