#i am angry with this publisher
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What I really want to talk about is how Charlie Lastra is for the girls who grew up loving Jess Mariano and are now adults……
#AM I WROOOOOONNGGG???#HES LIKE LESS ANGRY JESS WHO GREW UP AND GOT INTO PUBLISHING#jess Mariano#Charlie lastra#book lovers
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I say this with the deepest sense of hatred imaginable, fuck this article
#‘read more’ no I don’t think I will#hey google why was this a recommended article. wanna tell me why that is. wanna tell me why you thought I’d like this shit#there’s a difference between an opinion piece and literal ableism lmao fuck you man#this especially hits a nerve for me because I was a quote unquote snobby kid who was really just autistic#yeah hate to break it to you but I wasn’t locking myself in my room everyday and destroying things and screaming because I was bored#it was because I had debilitating anxiety and sensory overload that I didn’t understand or know how to deal with#pretty funny how the ‘snobby’ behavior stopped almost the second I got on meds and learned coping skills. huh. interesting#actually fuck this by the way this makes me so angry I can’t even verbalize it#yes there are kids who are just Being Kids. but ever stop to consider that maybe they’re going through something they can’t verbalize#saying that autistic behaviors are bratty is So fucking damaging. ppl will internalize it and turn that stress towards themselves#meltdowns that would’ve otherwise been outward get internalized and start self destructive behavior#my fucking source? points at myself#and using the term ‘functioning’ also pisses me the hell off#yeah I’m ‘high functioning’ until I’m Not and I can’t talk or move#also Nobody is just handing out autism diagnoses left and right to random kids who are defiant sometimes#my brother in Christ I would like to see a source for that. where’s the proof that this is happening other than rising autism rates#fuck you fuck you and most importantly actually just plain fuck you#I’ve been treated like shit by total strangers because I have selective mutism. that shit is traumatic#I wasn’t fucking Misbehaving when an old fuck starting publically yelling at me and berating me because I didn’t say hi back to him#I wasnt being ‘defiant’ when I could barely leave my fucking room for weeks afterwards and had panic attacks every fucking day#why the fuck would anyone let this article be published#tw ableism#so sorry for not being ladylike! it’s not the Victorian era you dipshit! I’m not trying to be rude I am autistic#but apparently autism doesn’t work like that so oh ok I guess I’m just a bad person. thanks for confirming my suspicions
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I don’t think I’m gonna end up including it, but there is a version of Mt. Gilboa University where Sha’ul tries to kiss/fuck Daveed and then hits him because he’s rejected. This is def partly inspired by Beloved King (plus other interpretations where Saul sexually desires David) but I also think it would be especially good in MGU because it would create a parallel between that and Sha’ul having sex with Rizpah when she was a student. Like, this guy has a certain taste, and it’s not a good one!
It would also be foreshadowed by Yonatan overhearing Daveed about to say that Sha’ul only pays attention to the students when he’s trying to fuck them (I actually don’t know if anyone understood this is what Daveed was about to say LOL but that was the intention). I mean ofc that’s a reference to Rizpah first and foremost, but it could also be foreshadowing.
By now tho, if I did include this point then it would have to be canon that Daveed hid Sha’ul’s advances from Yonatan even when he was telling him that Sha’ul was the one who hurt him… and I don’t know if that makes sense. Honestly I think Yonatan’s revelation from Rizpah (and his accusation of her conspiring with Daveed) could be even more poignant if Daveed had told him that Sha’ul came on to him, but I’m definitely not going to go back and edit that now LOL
#the curse of publishing a longer work serially is that if you come up with a new plot point you can’t go back and change the earlier chapter#honestly when I finish writing MGU I think it would be fun to go back and edit/rewrite parts of it#especially the parts that I wrote several years that really don’t hold up anymore lmaoooo#I just don’t know if I’ll ever really have the time or energy#but I’ll reevaluate how I’m feeling once this version is done#four more chapters I think……. hehehehe#I am struggling with the current chapter a little but mostly because a) it’s the climax of the story#and b) it’s ending up soooo much longer than I was expecting#I usually shoot for around 3000-4000 per chapter but this is already at 4000 and maybe halfway done#but I swear to gosh there is no good stopping point#and if I tried to cut it up yall would be so angry with me LOL#I mean this chapter will also have a cliffhanger and yall will be angry anyways hahahaha#anyways…….
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#after publishing pictures of liams body tmz is now trying to make Simon into the sentimental and caring and sad friend#while publishing pictures of Louis happy with his family from days who with the headline#louis Tomlinson soaks up sun in Malibu days after liam Layne’s death#I am so angry oh my god#i hope they all rot in hell
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I know it seems like I'm working on everything but theogony atm but I am working on it I promise. I am just also working on the unclaiming and timshel and hair shaker. and I am stress cleaning my apartment. and I have a job
#I am well adjusted and prepared for adulthood <3#being a hobby writer is hilarious because while I understand that the culture surrounding fic#is one of sort of blind support and kindness#(and that I could never move to traditional publishing bc of a) lack of skill and b)#inability to handle a level of professional critique)#I still feel an angry mob over my shoulder despite THERE NOT BEING ONE!!!#I'm that character in the old story who hears the heart beating in the house!!!!!!!!!#clare shitposts
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I'm starting to think the reason I'm not as good of a writer as I want to be is because I like writing more than I like reading.
#which isnt to say i dont like to read#but i find it so difficult to get interested in new fiction#why would i bother reading stories other people wrote when i could just write mine?#i don't have this issue reading nonfiction ive been so into nonfiction#and i feel like THAT has helped me write better just by teaching me about more things so i can make worlds make more sense#but one time i told somebody i was writing a story that's kind of a zombie apocalypse but for plants and they said#'oh that's exactly like this other book' (i forget the name) 'you should read that one!'#and it made me unreasonably angry#i don't care abt someone else's story with a vaguely similar concept. i care abt mine.#and i know this makes me seem like an asshole and i probably am for this specific thing#but i read every book i could get my hands on as a child#and then as soon as i was able to write my own stories that stopped being the case#like all that reading was just training me to do what i can do now#and i think if i could just get over my disinterest in other ppl's fiction books and start practicing deconstructing what makes a good stor#i would start improving my writing more#and short stories! fuck. i hate reading other ppl's short stories unless they're written by friends#but as im starting to submit my short stories to publishing magazines n stuff#im realizing i'll have a better chance of getting published if i read the other stuff those mags have posted before#and write what they want to have submitted. but then it's not necessarily what *i* want to write. u know?#i don't know how to fix this fundamental problem of me preferring writing over reading#(and this applies to fanfic too btw. i hardly ever seek out fic to read unless a friend sends it to me. and often i like it when they do!#but not as much as i like writing or reading my own writing.)#just why would i READ when i could be WRITING and writing is so much more FUN
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I was stressed the fuck out for 2 months worked weekends etc to finish a paper my bosses kept pressuring me to work on so i could meet a journal deadline and now i am almost finished but i feel so drained and i just know this stupid fucking paper is not gonna matter at all it's gonna have 0 impact
#it's just gonna be in a fancy journal which is theoretically good for my carreer but it act isn´t caise i don´t wanna continue in academia#and no one outside of academia gives a fuck ab where you published your papers#my boss reviewed my final draft and she was like this is great well done and reading it made me so angry like#you humiliated me and pressured me sm for this. i don´t want your fucking praise. she showed le sm disrespect that i find ir offensive and#degrading that she continues to think i want validation from her. fuck her i don´t need praise from someone that belittles me#idgaf ab her or ab this work itns just a paycheck to me. i fibd fulfillment in other parts of my life. even if my supervisors want this to#be my passion#also one of my supervisors edited so much of the original draft that it feels like the praise is undeserved. i feel lije it´s his changes#that are actually good#the paper doesn´t feel mine anymore#it sucks cause i am a student i am supposed to learn through practice how to write good papers but he took over a lot cause he wanted to#meet the deadline#and now i´m like... for what? i got a paper that doesn´t feel mine in a fancy journal. for what? who cares?
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#so like#this has been bothering me for years now and i have to get it out now#but i don't want it to really be /out/ there so im just gonna ramble in the tags for a sec#but im so confused as to how ppl will look at my art style and ask me#hey can you do me a commission in [insert style that is a complete 180 from what i draw]?#and i just sit there thinking to myself#where did you get this connection from?#why do you think i'm capable of pulling off this style when i have posted nothing that would even remotely resemble the style that you want#are other artists just better than i am?#am i missing something? should i be able to draw like that despite my love for my current style?#i want to be angry but i know i cant be bc i don't have all of the info#well maybe angry is a bit much more like upset#bc it pulls my confidence down into the gutter#AND ITS ALWAYS LIKE THAT#everybody thats seen my art is always like hey can you draw something cuter/simpler/more like this style#and i just have to sit there and stew in my own depression bc no??? i literally cannot???? why would you ask me this????#idk im giving up on being a marketable artist#im just gonna sit here and draw my stuff#im not too pressed to publish anything anymore bc its just not what ppl like#and im starting to become ok with that#but man it sucks bc i like sharing ideas#but interaction is next to nothing so i feel like im just wasting time#this isn't directed at anyone specific just me pointing out the patterns of my life from grade school to adulthood#tag rambling#i had to get it out im sorry its just been getting too much lately and cant keep shit in anymore#so fuck it lol
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Oooough having a bad brain day all around and the worst part is that I can't seem to find anything sufficiently distracting that won't make the rot worse
#if i was conventionally attractive my problems wouldnt be solved but many of them would be significantly improved#and knowing that makes me so angry and depressed#also have less than zero motivation to write#which is triggering my anxiety abt failure again bc i am so so so deeply exhausted by my inability to finish anything#but it also feels like. i have no plans to do anything with this. im not going to publish or whatever.#literally what is the point tbh#disgruntled octopus
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i haven't gundam posted in ages but i might get back to it eventually. what i was really debating was making a gundam side blog so i can sit there and be insane about it on a more contained level. but also, i'm extremely lazy, so therein lies the problem. might just robot post more here when i feel like it
#luminiscore#TRUST ME I AM STILL VERY OBSESSED WITH GUNDAM AND WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE#but i guess i suddenly felt shame for a lot of the things i was posting in 2021 and so HFUIDSHGISF#so i knocked it off. and almost deleted a lot of it#the only reasons i havent is not only is some of it like fun but also i occasionally get someone who's quite upset about it#i delete anon hate instead of publishing it but i have gotten hate about that zeta post in particular JFHUDISHGSF#so i decided this was really funny and if it makes weird people on the internet angry to point out that zeta has a misogyny problem#then im keeping them up. along with all the unhinged char meow meow posting LMAO
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why did EVERYONE update their ieytd fics today great scott
#not angry its very hilarious#i am however. sad that i was the first to publish today because now. my little sunspot is buried. SAD.#did friday the 13th put something in all of our heads today or something?? whats goign on
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i just remembered that during season 3 i was feeling so productive i started writing ideas and fics down in my notes app, so i decided to take a look.
i did not expect to find 40 tomgreg wips. why am i like this.
#i read them all and now i am once again filled to the brim with love for tom#but also angry at myself bcs some of them are ideas that i have not yet seen executed#so i really should finish and publish#but i'm 100% sure they will all stay in my notes app forever#tbh i only remembered that i had a sudden tomshivnate idea and had to write it down immediately#my stuff
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I hate the US grading system !!!
#i got 85 or higher on every assignment i submitted for this class and missed ONE quiz on father's day that I couldn't retake#and as a result I have a fucking D. i think i still will technically pass that class but if i FAIL#AND I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER 2K ON A FUCKING CLASS. I WILL BE INCONSOLABLY ANGRY.#but the kicker ! is that even if i had taken that one quiz i missed and got an 85% on it ! i STILL WOULD HAVE A FUCKING D#WHICH IS SO UNBELIEVABLY IRRITATING TO ME#how HOWWWW can i get 85% MINIMUM on ALL of my assignments and it add up to me BARELY FUCKING PASSING THE CLASS.#im hoping the prof might round me up a little bit but i am ready to tear things apart with my teeth#if i had known it would've been this close of a call i would've just asked the fucking prof if i could retake the quiz#i just didn't want to deal with it but if that ONE QUIZ IS WHAT MAKES ME LOSE ANOTHER 2 THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS#all i can do is wait for grades to be published bc it is Beyond The Point of Alteration#i am so fucking angry about this lmao#if i had EARNED a D i would've accepted it. i have done work deserving of a D and I know what that means#but the slow creeping cold rage i felt when i started calculating my grade and realized it was so low#i couldve killed the man if he was in front of me. i know its not his fault but i am a chimpanzee forced to understand math and consequences#i have like 3 classes left. i currently have a 3.7 gpa and need at least a 2.5 gpa to attend my (eventual) grad school#if this fucks everything up for me. this started as a funny haha venting shit post but i am starting to become very serious#if this ONE CLASS. MEANS THAT IT WAS ALL FOR FUCKING NOTHING.#deep breaths. its three credits. it cannot have such an impact on my gpa that it outweighs all of the other credits.#if i wasted two thousand fucking dollars on this class i might burst into flames#all of the saving and penny pinching and extra hours and burnout and for fucking WHAT#and that was AFTER 2k to fix my car!@@@haha#i need to go to bed now because if i let myself get any angrier i think i might blow up#brother my fucking blood pressure. good night
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I am being so mature right now
(Not starting a very mean email chain against the person who made my baby sister cry)
#Listen you picked her out of the lineup and said you were gonna publish her#have you TRIED talking oh my gohs#I've done more for their edit list than they have#and they're just going 'oh she's being distrespectful'#MA'AM#SHE IS 12#She has never had an editor before! She's confused!#literally just. explain yourself#or#crazy idea#offer a solution rather than just say she did it wrong#jaymeow speaks#i swear I am so angry over this#9/10 edits so far she's come and said 'i don't get it'#and then once I EXPLAIN#we get a solution#TALK I DARE YOU
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This also goes for news websites that put their shit behind a paywall. I cannot subscribe to LITERALLY EVERY PUBLICATION EVER. Yes a lot of them have similar stuff but sometimes I just want to read This One Thing! It makes no financial sense to subscribe to EVERY publication that produces articles! People know this! But they go "you should support journalism" well maybe journalism should come up with a better business model
People against piracy fail to realize that no, I can’t just ‘buy it.’ They stopped making DVDs and Blu-Rays. They’re barely offering digital copies for download. I am not spending money I could use for food or bills to pay for a subscription service just so I can always have access to a beloved piece of media. Especially not when the service will remove media on a whim without concern for how the loss of access to that piece will make its artistic conservation nigh impossible.
For example, I recently learned that Disney+ had an original film called Crater. It’s scifi, family friendly, and seems cool - I would love to buy it as a holiday gift for my little brother! But: it’s exclusive to D+ and THEY REMOVED IT LITERALLY MONTHS AFTER ITS RELEASE.
The ONLY way I can directly access this film is through piracy. The ONLY available ‘copies’ of this film are hosted on piracy websites. Disney will NEVER release it in theaters, or as something to buy, and it may NEVER return to the streaming service. It will be LOST because we aren’t allowed to purchase it for personal viewing. If I can’t pay to own it, I won’t pay for the privilege of losing it when corporate decides to put it in a vault.
So yes, I’m going to pirate and support piracy.
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My Roman empire? The fact that the library of Alexandria was burned and I would have lived my eternity amongst the old papers HAD IT NOT BEEN BURNED BY THE OH WHO? YEAH THE MOTHERFUCKING ROMAN EMPIRE! FUCK YOU JULIus! DONT CARE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I CARE THAT KNOWLEDGE WAS LOST!
Oh and the fact that I can write the most heart aching sappy romantic one-liners but I'm single and have no one to use them on. I just know that regardless of the poems and lines I write for the one I wish to only look at, the stars in their eyes would render me speechless wordless. I pray that I can at least manage a "I love you" when they need it.
Yeah, those are my Roman empires
#my roman empire#library of alexandria#tumblr#still pissed#im single and aloneeeee#booo#saving my writing for the book imma publish#whenever i get round to it#am i angry?#am i lonely?#two things can be right
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