#i am an oxymoron of emotion

[theambitiouswoman]

Why you keep sabotaging yourself (and how to stop)

Self sabotage is an unconscious expectation designed to protect you from confronting your own internal shame of imperfection. It’s fear in disguise, keeping you stuck in the same patterns and stopping you from taking the risks that could actually change your life.

At its core it’s about avoiding pain. If you believe deep down that you’re not good enough, your mind will find ways to prove that belief right. Even if you want success, love, or happiness, there’s a part of you that resists it—because stepping into the unknown means confronting the possibility of failure, rejection, or disappointment.

Waiting until the last minute to do something so if you fail you can blame the lack of time instead of yourself

Constantly questioning yourself

Staying in toxic unhealthy relationships because they feel familiar

Hurting those we love and finding ways to justify our actions

Convincing yourself you don’t really want something because it feels to risky

There’s this weird kind of safety in self sabotage. It keeps you in a world you understand. If you’ve always struggled, then struggle becomes your normal. If you’ve always been overlooked, then being unseen feels safer than being fully seen and possibly rejected.

It’s not that you don’t want to grow at all—it’s that growth means stepping into the unknown and your mind has been trained to fear it.

So how do you stop?

Instead of just saying, “I need to stop procrastinating” or “I need to stop pushing people away”, ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. What could happen if you succeed? What belief am I holding on to that makes me think I don’t deserve this?

Perfectionism is one of the biggest drivers of self sabotage. If you secretly believe you have to be flawless to be worthy, you’ll subconsciously create situations where you never have to measure up. Instead of fearing failure, start seeing it as a sign of growth. Instead of needing to be perfect, focus on being in motion.

The brain resists change when it feels too big. So instead of saying, “I need to completely transform my life” show up as the version of yourself who already believes they are worthy (because you are, duh). Stop looking for permission to take up space. Seriously who cares. Worrying about taking up space is living your life for others. Which is an oxymoron considering self sabotage makes us think we are in control. But that your ego lying to you. Practice doing things that feel outside of your control. We’ve spoken so much about how all these qualities do not equate to a person who values themselves, and when these emotions come up we need to be able to challenge them

Life is movement. No movement = no life

No risk = no glory

I look at self sabotage as a way of telling myself I am not allowed to be happy or to do what I want.

You don’t need protection from your own potential. You don’t need to stay stuck just because the unknown feels scary. You are allowed to break your own patterns. You are allowed to step into a life that feels good. And you are more than worthy of everything you desire. The only question is, are you ready to stop standing in your own way? You are taking yourself too seriously and your time not seriously enough.

[autisticfaun420]

My life with level 2 (part 1)

I'm making this post to share some things about my life and give an idea about what my support needs are

1. Every morning I wake up sealed in my cubby bed, an enclosed bed that keep me trapped inside so I dont wander and hurt myself or roll out and have a meltdown (common things that happen with me and regular beds). It's also soft so I don't potentially bang my head against something hard. you're probably wondering well how do I go to the bathroom at night. That brings me to my next point.

2. Every morning after opening up my cubby bed either my mom, dad, caregiver, or occasional close friend takes me to my changing station in my room and begins to change my diaper. Thats right I was NEVER able to potty train and due to EXTREME sensory issues I am unable to change myself. This means I need constant super vision as I always need someone to change me, also calm me down if meltdown, etc. I simply have no way to tell I need to go, 1 or 2, till its much too late. So yeah diapers are an all day thing not just at night.

3. I'm older then 20 and my parents are l now my legal guardians for life, and if they can't do it I have friends that will step up. I'm not sure exactly what this means legally but I take it to mean Im basically still a kid to them on like, every level. They respect my intelligence but they still set the rules. One that always kind of gets people mad but then they understand is the fact that I have child safety internet settings on my tablet and phone, I can't access most social media websites and I'm not alliowed YouTube only YouTube Kids. This is because my parents and close friends agree that these teenage boys from a nearby town were trying to make me an "lol cow", basicallly a target for online harassment and bullying and trolling me because I was special needs and active on social media. Tumblr with my parents having the username and password and log ins and they check it every day is all I get. My friends and parents show me things from TikTok and Youtube that they think i'll like so I don't miss out. Oh yeah and I would binge watch horror and terror content on youtube, something that a lot of autistic people do apparently, however I mentally can't handle it. I wake up and freak out and hit myself all night and lose sleep for a week and end up in a mental hospital cause I'm hurting myself and not sleeping. Not fun... at all. I had unrestricted internet access as a teenager and I'm glad that part of my life is over. My parents do however let me eat cannabis edibles every day so its not like they're over protective, just protective in the way I need.

4. My parents are my emotional coregulators and I rely on them heavily, a lot of the time just to know how I'm feeling. I break down emotionally frequently and if my parents or a select few of my friends aren't there to cuddle me and rub my back the right way, I FREAK out and start hitting myself cause my brain is a bit nutty I guess. I'm needy with those I love to a rediculous degree. I'm a lot better, still not great, at self soothing. Self soothing is an oxymoron for me. I kinda need to be with somebody to be told to calm down, encouraged to come out my shell, praised when I do something good, and just having a hand to hold. My mom is rubbing my back encouraging me to write this out like I said I wanted to do.

5. I need to stim, constantly. I'm always rocking, fidget toy and plushie in hand chewing on my chewing laynyard, you get the idea. I also need audio and visual stims which I get in the form of watching bright colorful little kid shows on my tablet like Blues Clues and Daniel Tiger. I think this is why people don't think I'm smart but its just who I am and what my needs are.

I think this is a good starting point, I'll make a part 2 later.

[ducktracy]

what's your favorite part of daffy and/or porky to draw? this could be an expression, gesture, body part, anything that when you get to That Part it just tickles your brain

HI ADA!! OH WOW this is such a good question... i suppose "everything" isn't an answer is it HEH

THIS IS ACTUALLY TOUGH because it depends!! i'm way way way too particular and protective with them, and so usually i get a bit "over serious" and overthink when i'm drawing them because i wanna do them justice, and sometimes (often, really) it stiffens me up and prevents me from reaching the full potential i know i can hit with these guys. there are a lot of little details i could add and do to make these guys more expressive that i tend to shy away from not doing, and i need to brave up and get over my "you won't die if you do something differently from the shorts" disease... but i like how they both have potential to be played with for more expressiveness. i need to play around with Porky's ears more in relation to his emotions (like erect when happy or alarmed, flattened when annoyed, etc). sometimes i do this with his tail, which i do love doing, but i could stand to embrace more of that.. ditto with Daffy and his tail feathers and hair

this applies to both of them, but my favorite part of drawing them is when i can feel like i've just.. gotten THEM. there's a mantra i've learned on the Sponge that's very true and i hold dear to my heart: "is this a drawing of the character or a drawing of the character?" i'm always trying to go for the latter and make it really feel like i'm capturing them, the actual character, on my page instead of an approximation. i feel like i'm often on that quest more for Porky than i am Daffy... i tend to adopt the attitudes of the characters as i draw them, i try to think like them and how they present themselves, and so since Porky is such a comparatively reserved character next to Daffy, my drawings of him are a bit more tepid but good-natured. i feel best about my Porky drawings when i'm able to effectively capture his sort of slightly restrained but genuine warmth. it's not nearly as simple as just drawing him smiling... i feel like all of these examples below have a certain authenticity to them. these are drawings where i really feel like i've drawn Porky instead of i've drawn Porky (though his head construction in the first one doesn't really adhere to the perspective as well as i thought.. and it's the most recent one!).

IT'S KINDA HARD TO EXPLAIN, it's just something i feel. but it's more about drawing a stock smile, but it's getting that warmth in there as well as that bit of shyness and tepidness, as well as the oxymoronic self assurance.. just kinda getting a bunch of different elements and facets of his personality in one. and it doesn't always HAVE to be him smiling, either--i like this doodle i did in my storyboard margins recently for similar reasons, even for as quick and thoughtless as it is. i can feel his rigidity and sense of justice and inarticulate... i feel Porky. even though this is not a "correct" drawing by any means (the bow-tie doesn't at all follow the centerline!)

AND. SPEAKING OF. I THINK I JUST FOUND ANOTHER ANSWER. Porky has turned me into a nut for bowties. i love drawing them so so so much. there are so many ways to draw them, but seeing how Rod Scribner draws his bowtie in Baby Bottleneck and how voluminous it is and big and frilly and stupid and obtuse it is and just AUGH. i love drawing bow-ties. so much. it's sickening. and i love giving him bowties on outfits that absolutely should not have bowties, as it is a tradition he himself upholds (god bless Art Davis for giving him a bowtie with a BATH ROBE in The Pest That Came to Dinner).

AS FOR DAFFY. a lot of the same philosophies apply, i'm always in search of The Perfect Duck. so much so that i don't really know if i've ever drawn him yet... like i said, i tend to adapt to the attitudes of the characters i'm drawing, and Daffy gives me a much harder time. he's more anarchic and slips out of my fingers and there's always that dissatisfaction of "agh, i couldn't capture him, next time." a playful fickleness that's more enjoyable on his end than mine! though i do like this quick duck doodle not dissimilar to the earlier Porky one, it's rough and nondescript but i think it captures his essence well. there's a playfulness and coyness to it, and a greater sense of energy and momentum. you can feel him being on his good behavior to pose for the camera for .2 seconds before immediately reverting back to his anarchic ways

but with Daffy, i think i moreso enjoy.... gosh i guess it depends? i need to experiment with this more admittedly, but when i was first learning to draw him especially i was so obsessed with his damn tongue. i love how Rod Scribner draws his tongue like it's a separate entity just bursting out of his mouth, it's a personification of the feeling of your brain and mouth both outcompeting each other from sheer excitement and energy and mania and that is a CONSTANT for me. any Daffy drawing i drew from 2019-early 2020 or so has his tongue out or him spitting and being disgusting. my icon is the way it is because it started off as a drawing from 2019 during the peak of this phase!

i need to take more risks with that, i think i need to be a bit more okay with my ducks looking a bit ugly.. spontaneity and authenticity is my priority with him.

i also like/need to play around with his hair more... people have rightfully pointed out that i love drawing Daffy with his hairs poking out if he's wearing a hat and it's TRUE I LIVE FOR IT. this again was spurred on by Rod Scribner doing the same in Baby Bottleneck. he just looks so bald otherwise and it feels so wrong... and it likewise makes it feel like the hat is interacting with him more and just gives the whole piece a nice tangibility to it. and, to quote my past self, "i want to tussle his hair before kicking him into traffic". i like when the animators play with his hair and i absolutely need to do the same.

looks like it goes all the way back to 2019... my first icon in the image above is the last time i seemingly ever drew him "bald" in a hat

I THINK FOR BOTH THOUGH the biggest answer is Getting Into Them. my director always says i'm very good at "getting into the psychology of the characters", and that's something i do pride myself in since, if my drawing skills fail me (as they often do, i'm soooo picky with these guys), i at least know them well enough and intimately enough to let the intent and personality guide where sometimes my skills cannot. like with that Baby Bottleneck Porky drawing way above (the first one), i don't love the actual draftsmanship itself--Porky's perspective is wrong and his construction too flat and smushed. i'm much less proud of it than i once was. but i think the psychological intent of it as also detailed above is what saves it for me. i at least have the safety net of knowing i understand these characters, and whatever i draw will follow that

thank you for such an interesting question! i feel like i rambled more about philosophy than giving an actual concrete answer, but there are MANY factors at play here... and the things i enjoy drawing most about these guys, i need to give my permission to play with more HAHA. i get too swept up in the accuracy sometimes/honoring the "character, not a drawing" rule

[celticcrossanon]

Hello Celta,

Here’s my second missive of today lol. Happy birthday to the gorgeous Catherine, and the reader whom I alluded to in my last ask, is bitching about the Wales being paid to do a JOB and not being paid to be a FAMILY, how dare Catherine prioritize her health and family? The sacrilege. It’s kinda oxymoronic to me, but what do I know?? LOL.

Anyhoo, I wanted to express my thoughts on Camilla and the Christmas Walk, and all that PR her son was putting out about being at Sandringham for Christmas. I was reading some excellent posts on community pages on YouTube and I gather that it’s true she wants her grandkids to be included in events that the Wales children are asked to participate in. Or where there are celebrations and big events so they can be seen as ‘royal’. She’s insisting on it, and while Charles is ball less and spineless where his sausage hider is concerned, it seems the palace, those dreaded men in grey suits, have said a solid NO. They put the kibosh on it.

Now it’s entirely Charles decision to make Camilla his family. It’s got nothing to do with William. And smart William has said many years ago when George and Charlotte were babies, that his children only have two grandmothers, Diana and Carole, and now I see why he did so. Any pushing in from the side as a grandmother from Camilla is not welcome.

She managed to sew her grandkids names on her coronation/wedding gown, and force them onto the balcony afterwards. But to this point that all she was able to achieve. This Christmas she desired to have her kids and grandkids participate in the Christmas walk alongside the Wales, and I suspect there were a real tussle behind the scenes.

I suspect the Wales only came for the Church service and the walk and then went right back to Amner for lunch with the Middletons. There were probably threats made to Charles by William too. If you allow the Parker Bowles this I won’t show. Now Charles may have tried to quid pro quo by inviting the Middletons, but I’ve heard rumours they declined to go to Sandringham and chose Amner instead. That sounds like a Charles maneuver, if I invite the Middletons to appear, Camilla gets to bring her brood.

So yes this woman has ambitions for herself and her brood, but thank goodness William has a spine of steel, and a long memory. He was 15 when his mom died, so he remembers everything, your emotions are heightened as a teen, and he’s not forgotten anything. He’s not fooled, not even a little bit.

Long live the Wales.

Hi AnonymousRetired,

In my eyes, the British Royal Family has always been a family before it is an institution. It is a business in the sense of a small, family run business, not a global 'big business' organisation. Once I look at it that way their decisions make a lot more sense. At the moment they are transitioning to a position for the future and personally I think the emphasis on family is the right way to go. We shall have to see how things settle down over the next few years.

I understand Queen Camilla wanting her family near her at Christmas, easter etc and there is no reason that she can't have that - away from the big royal events. Her children are not royal, her grandchildren are not royal, and to be thrusting them down the public's throat at royal events is a) wrong and b) only going to create dislike for herself. The public want to see royals, specifically the King, his heir, and his heir's royal blood family, not the non-royal children and grandchildren of married ins by their former spouses (Wolfie is an exception for several reasons, the main one being he is kept in the background and not thrust into prominence next to the Wales children).

If Queen Camilla is taking this path, as the rumours say she is, then she is laying up a whole pile of dislike and unhappiness for her future. If this is the case then I am glad the courtiers were there to stop her. She will force her husband out of the crown if she continues with this behaviour, imo.

It is a relief to me to have the Wales family waiting in the wings. I wish them every strength and blessings for the future.

[perpetualcynicism]

Hello! here regarding the impromptu drabble event~

Image: Sailing to the moon in a silver boat Oxymoron: Bittersweet

the spice~~ no emotive words<3

this sounds like a lovely exercise! im also just very happy to see new xiao fics lmfao

Lightning whips its tongues against the surface of the turbulent ocean and thunder snarls like a beast in your ears. You are lashed and lashed upon by sheets of rain with drops so heavy that they bruise you as they slam into your skin. 

Fingers slipping down the boards of the tilted deck, you manage to hook your elbow around a railing as a wave heaves the ship sideways. The wooden panels squeal and groan under the assault; the ship teeters in place, bent almost horizontal over the ocean, before rising again. 

In a slim parting between the clouds, the moon hangs fat and full, throwing its indifferent light onto the sea like a white lamp shining behind the parting of a flapping curtain. 

Caught on another wave, the bow of the ship rears dangerously upwards; for a brief moment, under a flash of lightning which casts the vessel in silver, it seems that you have set a course to the heavens and are sailing straight into the moon. 

The wave passes, leaving a deep groove in its wake. What follows is inevitable. You clutch onto the splintering woodworks and whisper a prayer to Rex Lapis as the bow dips downwards, and, with a final protesting groan, the ship plunges headfirst into the black abyss. The instant you hit the freezing water, you are unconscious. 

When you awaken, you find yourself lying on a sandy bank illuminated by moonlight. It is quiet. You turn your head in the sand and cast your eyes around the space. In the distance, you catch sight of the sea—or at least, you think it to be the sea—off whose steel-like surface the moon is reflected as a glinting coin. The murmur of waves which reaches your ears is peaceful; nothing like the terrible roars which cast your ship astray. 

The ship! you remember in a sudden flash. Where has it gone? You draw yourself upright and survey your surroundings with keener attention, but you see no indication of the vessel: there is no wreck, nor any pieces of wood scattered in the sand to suggest you have been washed ashore. At a similar moment, it comes to your realisation that you are uninjured. Where you should be bruised and bleeding, your skin is unblemished.

Finding yourself in such a strange place, so far removed from the disaster which struck, there is only one explanation which seems plausible to you.

“Am I dead?” you speak aloud into the silence. 

The nighttime cold from the sand begins to chill your feet, and you know you cannot be dead. 

But if you are not dead, what are you? Where are you?

It is here that you perceive you are not alone. A figure stands some metres away on the bank, donned in a mask which covers his face completely. The only feature you can distinguish for certain is a pair of luminescent green streaks in the place where his eyes would be. 

Perhaps you ought to retreat from such a figure. Instead, you approach him. 

“It is you who brought me here?” you say. Your voice is swallowed by the noiseless murmuring ocean. The figure remains silent and unmoving; yet somehow, you sense that his answer is yes. 

“What of the others?” you ask the masked figure. “My brother was aboard that ship, my father—”

The figure shakes his head once. You sink to your knees in the moonlit sand. The loss drives a wedge into your heart which throbs with a heavy, persistent ache. 

“Why am I here?” you implore the figure, your voice lower than a whisper. “Why did you bring me to this place?” 

Here, the figure at least speaks. He says, “You were the only one to survive the fall into the water. I was not able to save the others.”

His voice, not muffled whatsoever by the mask, does not resemble what you would imagine the voice of such a figure to sound like. Its tone is low, and he speaks with gentleness, as if passing on condolences to you. 

You turn tear-streaked eyes up to face him. “What am I to do?” you ask the kind, masked stranger. 

He lays a gloved hand upon your forehead. “Wake,” he commands softly, “and do not worry. You will see them again. They are waiting for you, in the moon.”

Your eyelids flutter open. Warm, golden sunlight spills in through the paper shutters outside your bedroom. With a grumble, you rub your groggy eyes and sit up beneath the blankets. 

It has been some years since the unfortunate accident which claimed your family and your ship. The loss of your relatives is one which still burdens you, but its weight has eased with time. 

Every now and then, you relive the strange experiences of that night in dreams. The particulars shift, but two details invariably remain the same each time: that flash of lightning which set your ship’s course for the moon, and the voice of the masked stranger releasing you from the strange, silver shores. 

In the moments before rising, you lie in bed and wonder whether, when it is time for you to join your father and brother in the lunar palace, he will be there also to guide you into the glimmering immortality found in death, as he guides you into waking.

(If he is to be there, you think death is not so terrible. What is there in it to be so, if you need no longer walk the path to the moon alone?)

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

Oxymoron

Warnings : corpses mentioned, mourning issues, ptsd (light for the moment), angst, Geralt emotional whump.

[Ao3 link]

The Continent has long forgotten magic and monsters. Those are for books and legends only. Yet some still believe in it and witchers are still in activity. Geralt, one of the last, knows that monsters have just adapted to the human world and hides even in the biggest cities. One day, he meets a young man playing in a bar on the road and his life is changed.

[Geralt POV]

[Modern AU]

Chapter 32 : Beauty and the beast - Part 1 : Move

We are now on the road to Kaer Morhen and on our way to the first stop, following S2 events. I am departing from the books a fair bit too and made my own thing to help Geralt taking a turn that I found hard to believe in the show. Of course I am a little devil so it won't be soft 😈.

[berrypass-de-murdler]

3 - 73 The Founding of the SPY HQ

I have no images that correlate with this episode

Grandmaster loaf.

Oh! But... Seven Skulls hype is real!! It seems a bit more lighthearted than recent books, but of course that could be just a facade. Either way, it will inevitably be stuffed to the brim with oxymorons!!!!

DON'T READ THE EPISODES WITHOUT READING THE BOOKS!!

Flashback! This experience always fills Logico with anxiety, but also overwhelming curiosity - he has to know what happened.

The founder of SPY was something no one expected - a human. A conscious human. At the time, she was alone, only with her ragtag band of critters to aid her - a little Black Hat, Ruby (but smaller), and Regular Person Fuchsia, who was undergoing a punk phase.

FUCHSIA: Yeahhh, let’s kick it! 😝🤘

The human woman’s name was Altrena Bulnari (Humans were allowed to have first and last names). And she gathered her friends for a mission.

BLACK HAT: Wow wow! What’s the big thing, Ms. Altrena? RUBY: I’ve been craving the feeling of distracting men. Even human ones. FUCHSIA: This is gonna be METALLLLL!! BULNARI: No, this is serious… there is an organization, a terrible organization called TekCo Futures. They have been creating machines to replace people, kidnapping children, and forcing their employees into incredulous labor. Some never get to leave. We have to shut it down.

The agents step back in concern.

BLACK HAT: Y’know, TekCo is… huge. I don’t think we have the power to shut it down. BULNARI: We have no other choice. RUBY: I only work for real people! Not robots!  FUCHSIA: Too fast, too furious. …But like, really.

Altrena was determined. This would be her most dangerous mission yet, and she wouldn’t even have her crew with her. But it was for the better - CEO Indigo could easily capture them for labor. She had to go alone.

But something was occurring at TekCo at the same time!

It was Vice President Mauve’s first day at work since her father died. Emotions ran heavy, and she didn’t know if she could manage. So when no one was around, she hid in a closet and sobbed. 

After lunch break, Indigo heard her, and barged in.

MAUVE: AAAAAUGH. What do you want. INDIGO: My dear one… please do not cry…  MAUVE: What do you want me to do, my dad’s dead. I knew him dearly. … [loud crying] INDIGO: Your father was a great man… He did not deserve his fate… but I hate to see you suffer like this… 

He stood still in front of her, gentle but creepy.

INDIGO: I have something… something only you can have… I made it… SPECIAL.

He handed her a box. She hesitated, but opened it… finding a headset. The headset she always has on today!

INDIGO: Try it on.

With a deep breath, she did… and suddenly, she could see everything she usually sees and much more. She could pick up extremely detailed information on nearly anything just by moving her eyes. At first, it was overwhelming. But soon, she was amazed. 

MAUVE: It’s incredible. I- I- I don’t know… INDIGO: TekCo has lost their great founder… but they cannot lose his descendant. Please, stay with us… I will never be the same, but… I could be…

He lightly grabbed her shoulder with his lobed hand.

INDIGO: A FATHER figure…

Mauve thought. She had nowhere else to go.

MAUVE: Yea… I’ll stay. 

Indigo relaxed.

INDIGO: The headset is yours to keep… but I have something I need you to do… something very important.

That night, Altrena Bulnari broke into the labs. She had to collect evidence of the barbaric working conditions of this place. And she would have succeeded, if not for one thing. 

She entered the bathroom to expose the cameras. But Mauve was inside. She was breathing heavily, just as terrified as Altrena. But she did as she was commanded, and killed her. 

Indigo immediately appeared, congratulating her. Using Altrena’s ID, he broke into SPY. The agents cowered at the sight of him.

INDIGO: I am sorry… your boss… did not survive… I’m going to be taking over the operation now…

Irratino and Logico snap out of it to the sound of the real Fuchsia talking nearby.

FUCHSIA: Shocker, isn’t it? Who would have thought that it was a wild goose chase for nothing the whole time.  LOGICO: I never trusted you. FUCHSIA: I know. But I knew you’d trust your boyfriend. And he trusts EVERYBODY. So long. I’ll meet you in TekTopia.

She runs off yet again, and Irratino gasps with realization.

IRRATINO: Come with me! Now!

The end! 

My word Fuchsia submits easily. Then again it was either obey Indigo or become another Grayscale

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[snailthebail]

hi!! umm this is my first post here so i’m a little nervous! i wanted to see more haganezuka things but all ive seen of him is just people getting a little frekay ^^; so i wrote something, though it doesn’t really have him in it which OOOOPSIES its ALL exposition ALL reader (little to) NO haganezuka 😞 guys this is so sad

it’s mostly for myself, but i’d like to share it here too! please excuse if it’s nothing much, as i’m still learning how to be a good writer . i will write more parts if i see that people enjoy this though…UM! SORRY i think ive yapped on long enough please enjoy this

(1391 words; not proofread; modern au kny) (hagenezuka&reader; platonic)

—

I’ve always found myself in a bit of a predicament.

I’ve never been good at anything, though never bad enough to complain about not being good. Always mediocre in the things that I do. Whenever I try to improve, it never proves to be enough. I’m stuck where I am, no matter how much I flail. Good enough to get praise, but not enough to deserve it. Good enough to show, but not enough to brag. Everything I do—everything I want to do—would be insulted by me doing it.

That is to say, painfully mid.

Though, that isn’t to say that I dislike doing things. I work with everything I have. I give it my all. I suppose that’s why it stings more. Knowing that I tried, but knowing people are better. Knowing I can only say “you beat me fair and square”. I can’t complain about it. These people tried, too. They gave it their all, too. It isn’t their fault that I wasn’t better. It isn’t their fault that I’m only perfect at groveling and crying. I think everybody is perfect at that. We’ve been doing it since birth, when we all had nothing better to do.

But that’s not an interesting story.

Nobody would read a book where the protagonist never learns. Nobody would read something if they knew it ended in futility. Stories contain resolve. Stories contain hope. Stories are the words of people who want others to know that they aren’t alone. Stories aren’t made to be relatable, but people relate regardless. Stories are oxymoronic, in that way. Their very existence doesn’t make sense. A collection of words logically shouldn’t make somebody feel anything. But we do. People feel hopeful after reading. People cry while reading. Maybe that’s the beauty in humanity. I doubt any other creature could recreate that. Not to our level, at least.

I guess that’s why I keep going. I guess that’s why I haven’t given up yet. I guess it’s because I think people look up to me. I guess, even though I’m mediocre, there are still others who envy me. I think other people feel this way, too. I think it’s how my idols think.

Maybe everyone thinks they’re mediocre. We all could improve something about anything.

In that case, I’ll do as I like. I’ll do what I like for as long as I like it, and I’ll become the very best at it. Even if I could always improve, I’ll make sure that everyone can look up to me.

.

I like to sew. It’s the only thing I’m good for. Though, the thread always tangles around my fingers and cuts me. I always prick myself with my needles. There’s tiny scars on my hands from it. I can’t even work a sewing machine, no matter how much I want to. It always jams. The stitches always come undone. It always breaks. It’s always fleeting.

I’ve always found hand-stitching much more calming, anyway. It makes the pieces feel more personal. Like you had time to get to know it, instead of forcing the pieces of fabric together. I know, really, that this isn’t the case. I know I’m applying emotions where emotions shouldn’t be. It’s more efficient to use a machine. It’s easier once you properly learn. But it makes me feel disconnected from my work. It makes me unhappy with what I make. My reason for creating isn’t only for a product. I don’t work to sell (though, I’ve heard it’s a really good market if you make it big…). I work to make people happy. I work to make myself happy.

Eventually, I know that my name will be forgotten. I know my work will outlive me. I just hope it can bring somebody the same joy it brings me. Even one more person is enough.

What kind of way is that to introduce myself, though? People must think I’m brooding and sad.

What I meant to say was: hello! What’s up? I transferred to this school at the start of the year. I moved to Japan with my brother, who had hopes to be an English teacher. I tagged along, so now I’ve found myself enrolled in the school nearest to our apartment: Kimetsu Academy. I’m a first-year in the high-school department. My homeroom is in the school’s home-economics class. (I never got the strange class-naming conventions… I’ll have to have somebody tell me what my class is.) I got many pitiful looks when I told my peers of my choice to take this class. I want to get better at sewing. I want to know how to take care of myself. What’s so shameful about that?

I soon came to realize that the pity did not come from a disappointment of the class, but rather the wrath of the teacher.

Perhaps wrath is too harsh of a word. He’s strict, yes, but part of me knows it’s because he cares. He wants people to learn. He wants them to appreciate the skill it takes to not only know this, but to become good at it.

Though, maybe I’m looking at it too kindly. There are times his criticisms hurt, like a fresh paper-cut. There are times where I feel like quitting just because of him. There are times where I’ve cried in class because I was so scared of what he’d think of what I made.

I notice, however, he doesn’t yell when he sees me crying. He lets me sit outside of the classroom to compose myself. He wouldn’t rush me. He’d let me sit there and feel what I needed to. Part of me thinks that he’s uncomfortable with crying children. Something, something, he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Then, when I walked back inside, I’d realize what I had made wasn’t worth crying over. A complete overreaction. When did I become so desperate for praise? Never before did I need it. I created for me. Only me. Never once did I need the validation of others. Never once did I weep over theoretical opinions. Never once. Never.

Never had I cared. Never had I known people cared for my work, so never had I cared.

I’m fully aware. Now, now, I’m fully aware.

It’s an awful feeling. Being aware.

It’s good to get praised. It feels nice to know somebody appreciates the work you put in. Though, it always felt hollow to me. Like as customary as saying “thanks” when somebody does something for you.

It doesn’t feel good to be critiqued. It stings and aches and it makes you want to quit and sulk. Though, if framed right, and with the right intent, it helps. It puts a new perspective on the work done. It helps you improve. That doesn’t change how it still sucks.

.

I think that’s how I’ve found myself in the home-economics classroom after hours, constantly pricking myself due to the lack of light. Granted, I could easily turn on a light, but I doubt any staff would be very pleased to see a student in the building at this hour. Nothing here but me, the needle, the fabric, the stinging in my heart, and the will to keep going. I don’t even know what I was making. Perhaps a gift? To who, though? I wasn’t that sociable. It sort-of resembles a pincushion. Maybe I could give it to the teacher. No, he’d just critique it instead of giving thanks. Maybe his critiques were his way of saying thanks?

Sigh, no. That just comes off as “yeesh, this sucks,” and not “wow, you made me something!”. That’s a real bummer.

I believe I fell asleep eventually. Right on my desk. It was embarrassing. Though, it was comforting knowing that I wouldn’t have to get up to go to school, since I was already there. Still, it was quite humiliating to be awoken by your homeroom teacher with a harsh smack on the back.

It’s quite a shock to rub your back to quell the ache in your spine, only to look over your shoulder to see a menacing mask looking back at you. It’s quite a relief to know that this wasn’t some strange ghost, but your teacher. It’s good to know that you didn’t oversleep. It’s nice to have somebody look out for you when they could’ve easily ignored you.

However, it sucks to get scolded.

Something, something… “It’s unacceptable to be here so late!” Something, something… “It’s against our policies!” Something, something… Oh, that’s a phrase I’ve never heard before. What’s that mean? Is it worth listening to? What would be the harm if I fell asleep again…?

—

WAAH hi it’s me again!! thanks for reading all the way to the end! im very happy that you took the time to make it here!! i’d like a little advice, dear reader!! do you like this style of writing, where i never mention the protag’s name, or would you prefer a y/n approach? maybe a second person “you/your” situation? i’m open to anything! again, thanks so much!

[strawberrystepmom]

haii kendal!! i wanted to submit an astrology reading thing for my special little guy. he's got a cancer sun, aries moon, gemini venus, and leo mars. i've been putting all my faves through cafeastrology recently and why do so many of them have gemini venues omymymyyyy and thank u sm for doing this!! saw u doing it in jan and i got super curious sooo here i am :))

hi lynn!! <333 thank you for participating!! i am so happy to be able to open this back up bc i truly enjoy answering these questions.

first, let me address the venus type thing: one thing about venusian attraction i've found is that it often lies in believing we may find what we're looking for to round ourselves out in the other person. i have a strong attraction toward people with capricorn/earth venus placements because they give a steadiness that i desperately need - a sort of ironclad "i'm not going anywhere"-ing. i'm an aquarius venus. once i'm comfortable and feel safe and understood with someone my flighty tendencies become a lot more apparent so someone who is likely going to dig in, stand by, be there and take the time is very attractive to me.

so in your case, you may be craving the intelligence of a gemini venus. they're intelligent and make love a really intuitive, talkative experience. maybe you've just been longing for a good conversational partner, someone you really keeps you going and can help drive you into becoming everything you wanna be. gemini are really good at that because they're so formless and can be whatever someone needs them to be.

special little guy reading

okay so looking at this big four i'm intrigued.

cancer sun is a very intuitive, emotional, steady placement which seems like an oxymoron but it's not. compared to its fellow water signs (pisces & scorpio) it thrives when its life is consistent and it can expect what's going to come. this person is likely very in touch with their feelings even if they don't always express them in the ways we traditionally associate with emotional people. cancer's don't really tend to be criers - they quietly seethe and vocally love. being that it's sun this is a person that likely values family to some extent, they're quite loving even if it's a bit stern at times because cancers have strong boundaries and will enforce them with the right supporting placements which this person has.

i appreciate an aries moon + cancer sun combination because it gives a lot of reassurance to the self critical nature of cancer. aries advocates and believes in itself more strongly than any other placement and how it functions in this person as their moon is that it's their inner world and guiding light. when they're doubting themselves, the reassurance they need is right inside. people will toss passive aggressive, bad at communicating, etc. at cancer which can be true depending on the placements surrounding it but i see this person as someone who is likely exceedingly direct. probably too much so sometimes even if it comes from a good place lol cancers are fixers similar to virgo and are not afraid to be shy about it.

we discussed gemini venus and i like it but my concern with that cancer sun can create a real sense of know-it-allism which isn't bad in and of itself but they can definitely be the "i know, do, think and feel all" type and don't really let their partners experience things as individuals. this isn't true 100% of the time but it is a potential issue.

now leo mars (a fellow leo mars yay!) is someone who does care about appearance. they value how they're perceived and commit to the bit when it's necessary. they're outspoken, unafraid to be themselves, and cancer can sometimes feel a little bit embarrassed to really be itself and leo helps so much. i think some of the communication issues i spoke about previously are smoothed over by the tendency of leo to really make their point clear.

liked what you read here? stop by my event and submit a request!

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Any of my other Anger Issues Havers really enjoy driving because it's like the only space you can freely express anger ?

And let me be clear I am NOT talking about aggressive/reckless/dangerous driving, I'm talking about how in the car with the windows up I can absolutely scream my head off in rage without it affecting anyone. In a toxic positive society all negative emotions are repressed, and anger is especially taboo to show in public (and for good reason-- screaming at people is not an okay thing to do. It's abusive and terrifying, as is hitting walls, throwing, and breaking shit). I know there are ways to calmly express anger, but to me, that feels like an oxymoron. Anger is the opposite of calm. I can calmly tell someone I'm angry, but that's not expressing the anger, I'm still repressing it.

And when I'm in the car by myself, as long as I keep a cool enough head to drive safely (which is actually easier when I don't have a bunch of bottled up emotions) I can spit as much venom as I want, I can cry or scream as loudly or as dramatically as I want, and nobody can hear me and that is so fucking cathartic.

[ethernetmeep]

i take the fact of being someones crush very wholeheartedly. even when it was back in a time i thought it was all fake, 6th or 7th grade, i still remember the person who told me they liked me for the first time. they had long curly brown hair. we shared a science class. they specifically shipped sans & papyrus.. only remember this because it was a focal point of theirs. would frequently make sexual remarks on artwork i made not inherently made to be sexual at lunch. i was uncomfortable, but you don’t know how to say that yet.

i distinctly remember they sent me a message on instagram about it & i replied with how appreciative i was of the sentiment, but ultimately didn’t reciprocate. i asked them to truly ponder their feelings, asking if it was because of something they liked about me truly or it was just the factor of me being one of the few people to treat them nicely and like a person. i believe they handled it okay. i hope they did. i held the topic with the most care i could muster at that age.

i think when you don’t deal with the topic with nuance it can scar the other person, even if its accidental & especially if it is the first of its kind. as daunting as it is, everyones actions affect others in certain ways. theres a sort of emotional intelligence to the matter that is hard to grasp for many. i am lucky enough to know this intelligence well & try my best to tread the line.

i guess i write about this topic now because i listened to a song & a piece of writing resurfaced from my past which was extremely indicative of the feeling. i was a late bloomer. i no longer like the song in the title, but reading it fills me with an odd sort of euphoria whilst simultaneously making me grimace. its odd how writing can be so oxymoronic. how can you like something yet hate it so? a question for another time.

i don’t have a way to end this.

[halothanic]

little project from a couple months ago, which were redraws of some fitting 80s album covers with my oc, atticus! i had originally planned to do four, but life got away from me, and i am really satisfied with these two, actually. but perhaps in the future, there will be more. i have way too many ideas for him.

first one is the album "synthesist" (1980) by harald grosskopf. this album is legendary to me and reminds me so much of the energy of his story. i often put it on when trying to write scenes, and highly recommend it. i never thought i’d be trying to capture him painted silver but it was fun to try full rendering for the first time in about a decade.

now, number two is the single "tarzan boy" (1985) by baltimora. if my story were a movie or show, it’d definitely be making an appearance! this song and i go way back. i still remember really listening to the lyrics for the first time and thinking, “this has to be about being gay..” and then learned that it, in fact, is. it still makes me emotional from time to time, it’s just so good.. in the live performances he reminds me SO much of atticus, even back when i created him in 2016 i would always imagine he had some kind of secret lanky dancing talent haha. if i ever get to animating i’d love to use his performances to bring atticus’ moves to life. he has such a silly and fun charm that i find is integral to atticus’ character, despite his serious demeanor. also, while looking for an atticus-esque replacement band name, i learned that “oxymoron” has a plural form lols

[ddarker-dreams]

I value every part of a yandere fic that you mentioned, but the one I tend to find most important is the emotions it invokes! With yandere fics, I’m specifically looking for an outlet for my anxiety, in a strange way. I find the relationship between people who have anxiety and horror/dark content really interesting—for me, it lets me feel anxious in a controlled way and helps me manage my emotions? So if a yandere fic doesn’t bring out those strong emotions in me (even if they’re not anxiety, I need to feel something strong), I find it a lot less satisfying.

Of course, all yandere fics need a well-written relationship and dynamic between the characters, but I feel like that applies to a lot more than yandere fics; whereas the emotions yandere fics evoke are one of the most important parts of a good yandere fics in my opinion!

man i felt this on like. so many levels. right down to... wait what's the tiniest thing in existence...

... my quarks...??? that doesn't sound very poetic. anyway. moving on from the quarks.

i am obsessed with the relationship between anxiety havers and people who love horror, because it sounds like such an oxymoron, but i really feel that there is a correlation ?? i don't have data or anything, just vibes. what you mentioned was something i proposed to a friend who deserves a noble peace prize for listening to me ramble on this subject for however long i did. that by being in control of our anxiety for a change, there's almost a therapeutic element to it. so i completely get what you mean. maybe apart of it has to do with the depiction of anxiety being an integral aspect of yandere fanfics, it's a subject matter we're deeply familiar with. not quite like a 'home sweet home' type of familiarity, but an 'ah, man-made horrors beyond my comprehension' type of familiarly.

i had a difficult time assigning importance to the different answers in the poll, but my leaning goes toward the dynamic between the reader and yandere/the interactions between the reader and yandere. i believe the dynamic is what gives a yandere fic its distinctness. i was thinking about zhongli and god darling specifically, how their history and the reader's position as a divine being shapes the story differently than if it were say, zhongli and a mortal. there are a lot of unique things you can do depending on the dynamic.

[coffeeeinbed]

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

date: 13th july, 2024 time: 1PM

coffee chat #2 ☕️

so i was at the airport today taking a flight from my college town to my home town since i’m spending this weekend with my family (more on those trials and tribulations another time) and i made a lil moodboard of my travel essentials.

i'm a terrible combination of my mothers anxiety and my fathers military grade need to speed through tsa as fast as possible, as if trying to break last times record, so it was a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster this morning, especially at 5 in the morning.

also lets talk about how disorienting it is waking up that early and having to pretend you are a functioning human being for the rest of the day...what is that about? it's only one o'clock, the afternoon has hardly started, but i've lived about a hundred lifetimes today and you're telling me i have to go through the rest of the day?

and i'm not a nap person. super unpopular opinion, but i find it more disorienting than waking up early in the first place. if you think i'm taking a nap on the plane, you're mental. do you know how dehydrating planes are? i lathered my face in hyaluronic acid and aquaphor this morning because i always feel like a prune upon my departure from the airplane air. and chugged 40 oz of water midair. i did pee in the piddly ass airplane bathroom for two minutes straight. so i'm tired but at least i'm hydrated.

now i'm blogging from my girl room and i feel like THE it girl right now. typing that into a tumblr textpost feels oxymoronic, but if this reaches the right audience, you know exactly the feeling.

i came to terms with the fact that i was non-binary in college, and i try to refrain from using "girl-blank" terminology to affirm my own identity, but my childhood bedroom is where i spent my formative years identifying as a girl and experiencing common girl problems, and so i will always regard it as such. so even though i am non-binary, girlhood will always be such an integral part of my identity.

i feel like that's a huge avenue that i could explore as an afab non-binary person, but that's a whole rabbit hole i don't feel like delving down right now. maybe someday we'll talk about it.

also upon trying to cultivate the ideal explore page, i've realized i have no good words to describe my aesthetic, which i find both to be something positive and an extremely frustrating experience. i really like pink, but in the lesbian way, specifically paired with orange and other warm colors. i'm obsessed with oranges in the poetry way, but also because it's my favourite colour. i love coffee and pretty beds, but i like sitting next to my perfectly made bed at my desk and i hate girl rotting. it makes me feel super unproductive and, for lack of better words, bleh.

essentially i feel like i haven't found my space yet. girl room, girl rot, and pink are very tumblr-esque, but they don't appear in the mediums that i find attractive on this platform. nor do i have the words to accurately describe the way that i can describe my aesthetic.

but again, this is something i find to be positive, because the hyper-categorizations of aesthetics has gotten out of hand. as a victim of this very culture, it's difficult not to self identify with a fleeting micro trend of an aesthetic and thereby shrink all the best and individualistic parts of yourself into a confined space of what you are expected to be based on the parameters of that so called aesthetic.

for me, i set my own expectations, and allow myself to be and just enjoy the things i enjoy. that's not to say that aesthetics, especially cultural ones, are not important. i think it's a good way to experiment with different fashion senses, hobbies, and interests, but for me, i feel much more myself when i'm just allowing myself to like the things i like without thinking of the way im perceived.

anyways, those are my thoughts for today. since i'm in my hometown, i'm spending time with my family, which i think will open my personal pandora's box of thoughts and feelings, so i will definitely be back to share more of my lucy-isms as the weekend progresses. <3

[shadovan]

Tareque is such an interesting character, I love so much of the work you have poured into developing him. He's such a flirt and a menace and it brings me so much joy to see what he gets up to with other muses. Please don't ever stop, I cannot get enough of him!

Anon giving me emotions on a Munday

I… still don’t even know how to eloquently respond to this. I read it this morning and almost sappy dribbled in my coffee. I know writers say we don't crave validation, but who doesn't feel a sense of gratitude and satisfaction from hearing words like this?

Thank you so very much for these words.

Tar is my bby. He's been loud as hell in my head for the better part of fourteen years, so it's wonderful to see I can still do him justice when I set him loose on the world. He is a menace. Yet, somehow a darling menace. I think he'll forever be a walking oxymoron of himself.

On another note, I'm seeing more and more posts like this popping up on the dash, just interractions hyping each other up and I am SO here for it. This is how it should be! Keep boosting one another, loves! This is how we encourage new blood into the RPCs when they see things like this. <3

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

My witcher fics general masterpost

Here are all stories dispatched by ship. As most of my fic are mature because of the subjects (depression, suicidal thoughts, mourning process...) and the whump, I will go the other way around and put the 🌸 tag for the light fics. Note that warnings are also in the stories for each chapter.

Fics are post on ffnet and here on tumblr for the microfictions.

[Edit] I have an ao3 account now but I am not sure what to do with it so I will put the links when available there too.

Geraskier

The Muse Saga masterpost [x]

Pears [ffnet][ao3] : OS. 1.7k words. Whump. Geralt and Jaskier are taken prisoner and have a rough time but they have a little moment to chat a little bit. Geralt will learn a thing or two. [Mixed POV]

Microfictions :

Friend [x] : After the moutains [Geralt POV]

Don't abandon me [x] : Alternate ending. Jaskier has heard after the battle of Kaer Morhen [Jaskier POV]

Last thoughts [x] : Alternate ending. Rience finishes him off [Jaskier POV]

What if [x] : Just a thought about what if Jaskier heard them talk after Voleth Meir

Radskier

If I have the courage to publish more of it some day, this will go there. I try to make it happen creating this category. But due to certain things I have destroyed all remaining notes for the stories I had written for them. So that's all that's left at the moment.

Wild Blue : [ao3 series link]

Trapped [ffnet]: OS. 1.6k words. Hidden between the red roses, a wild blue flower grows. [Radovid POV]

Thorns [ffnet] : Multichapter (9). 35.9k words. Strong whump. Radovid and Jaskier are linked through their dreams. The new king of Redania witnesses the doom fate of his lover and has to find a way to help him get through some terrible wounds - physical as much as emotional. [Multi POV]

You can find every chapter with their specific warnings under the # wild blue of this post.

Others :

For the first time [ffnet][ao3] : Multichapter (in progress - around 12k words for the moment). Dark - Emotional and physical whump. Radovid has everything he wants except what matters. He acts his life out day after day. He is searching blindly for one thing that doesn't exist in his world but that he needs deeply : love. This is the story of how Radovid falls in love with a certain bard. For the best and the worst. [Radovid POV]

Microfictions :

My beloved king [x] : AU (kinda). Someone is jealous of Radovid love for Jaskier. [That guy in the back POV]

Mixed

This can be multiship or no precise ship at all.

Oxymoron [ffnet] [ao3] : Multichapter (in progress - 120k word for the moment). Quite heavy - Whump physical and emotional. The Continent has long forgotten magic and monsters. Those are for books and legends only. Yet some still believe in it and witchers are still in activity. Geralt, one of the last, knows that monsters have just adapted to the human world and hides even in the biggest cities. One day, he meets a young man playing in a bar on the road and his life is changed. - [Modern AU][Geralt POV]

Microfictions :

Vespula's logs - part 1 : [x] Vespula's notes on Jaskier's muses. 🌸