#i am alone so unendurably oh my god i can’t believe this is where i am!!!!!!!

[pinkfey]

listening to the bad playlist that gives me bad syndrome

[mikauzoran]

Hi guys! Since my car broke, instead of doing the myriad errands I had intended to do today, I ended up staying home and writing. This is a sneak peek at an upcoming Nachtmusik chapter, but it’s probably going to end up being Jabberwocky/Daisy canon because stuff that happens during this chapter ended up being important. ^.^;

Chronology: This takes place during Jabberwocky/Daisy in November when Marinette and Adrien are eighteen and a half. Rose is eighteen, and Luka is twenty-one.

Quick Note: The lines Adrien and Rose are reading are from the end of the play The Seagull by Anton Chekhov. Spoilers for The Seagull. I would also like to apologize to Chekhov for my bad delivery of his work within this recording. Also, instead of using punctuation exactly as is from the text, I changed some of the punctuation to reflect Adrien’s delivery of the lines.

Transcript:

“Why are you going Eltz?” Adrien asked Rose, his back to her as he mixed together the ingredients for the blueberry lemon poppyseed scones with his hands like Tom had shown him, forming the dough into a ball before taking it from the bowl and rolling it out on the counter.

“I have accepted an engagement there for the winter. It is time for me to go,” Rose, who was sitting at the counter on one of the brightly coloured stools, read from a photocopy of the script.

Marinette paused in the doorway between the hallway and the main cabin. Rose had been living with the Couffaines off and on for years, so Marinette wasn’t really surprised to see her, but what was Adrien doing in the Couffaines’ kitchen at eight AM on a Thursday morning, and what were he and Rose talking about?

Adrien began to cut circles out of the scone dough using the rim of a cup and placed the resulting dough globs onto a baking tray, carefully equidistant from the sides of the tray and the other nascent scones.

“Nina,” Adrien replied bitterly, further confusing Marinette for a moment before she realized what was going on. “I have cursed you and hated you and torn up your photograph…” Suddenly Adrien’s voice became resigned with a hint of tenderness as he continued, “…and yet…I have known every minute of my life that my heart and soul were yours forever.”

Marinette’s heart stopped beating and then fluttered. She felt dizzy, overwhelmed, and oh so torn at Adrien Agreste’s vows of eternal love. He was a good actor, yes, but the feelings he was expressing had to come from somewhere, and she had a feeling that Adrien was very much drawing on his own feelings for her.

“To cease from loving you is beyond my power,” Adrien chuckled softly, sadly. “I have suffered continually from the time I lost you and began to write, and my life has been almost unendurable,” Adrien confessed, and Marinette believed him.

She had felt the same way. She’d lost her partner and friend Chat Noir just when they were beginning to be something more. She had lost her sweet Adrien, her love and her close confident. She’d ruined everything, and they’d been yanked away from her, out of her life, and it had been continual suffering ever since then trying to repair the damage.

“My youth was suddenly plucked from me then, and I seem now to have lived in this world for ninety years. I have called out to you,” Adrien lamented. “I have kissed the ground you walked on, wherever I looked I have seen your face before my eyes, and the smile that had illumined for me the best years of my life.”

“Why, why does he talk to me like this?” Rose read in response, following the flow of the dialogue down the page with her finger, making sure Adrien had the lines right.

“I am quite alone,” Adrien whispered, an aching to his voice that broke Marinette’s heart because she could feel the loneliness behind those words, Adrien’s loneliness, the loneliness of years of enforced solitude with no one to comfort him, no one to rely on.

“…unwarmed by any attachment,” he continued. “I am as cold as if I were living in a cave…. Uh…” He paused and then muttered to himself, repeating without feeling, “I am as cold as if I were living in a cave…. Shoot,” he sighed. “Sorry. Line?”

“‘Whatever I write is’,” Rose prompted.

Suddenly Adrien was back in character, mournful, “Whatever I write is dry and gloomy and harsh…. Stay here, Nina,” he begged, and those words had all the broken desperation of when Adrien had looked at Marinette that spring on that park bench in the Tuileries and pleaded with her, “Please don’t leave me”.

Marinette’s heart lurched.

“…I beseech you, or else let me go away with you.”

“Nina quickly puts on her coat and hat,” Rose read the stage directions between Adrien’s lines.

“Nina, why do you do that?” Adrien despaired. “For God’s sake, Nina!”

Marinette let out a little gasp as she realized that Nina was leaving Adrien just like Marinette had left Adrien, and Adrien wouldn’t survive that kind of devastation again. It was bad enough that Marinette had hurt Adrien both as herself and as Ladybug. Nina couldn’t rip his heart out and stomp on it too. Adrien deserved better. Someone needed to stop Nina. Someone needed to protect Adrien…but Marinette was powerless to help. She was even more guilty than Nina. All she could do was watch and listen.

They talked. Nina’s coach was waiting at the gate. She didn’t want Adrien to see her out. She was leaving. She talked a bunch of nonsense, and Marinette got the impression that Nina was half mad. She seemed to be under the impression that she was a seagull that Adrien had shot two years prior? Marinette really wondered what Adrien saw in this Nina. Marinette really wondered what Adrien saw in Marinette.

Nina seemed to have a plan, though. She was an actress. She was going to be a great actress…if she didn’t end up in an insane asylum first.

“You have found your way,” Adrien sighed sadly. “you know where you are going, but I am still groping in a chaos of phantoms and dreams, not knowing whom and what end I am serving by it all…. I do not believe in anything, and I do not know what my calling is,” he replied, a deep weariness to his voice.

Adrien sounded so lost.

Marinette wanted to grab his hand and lead him through the chaos, out of the darkness and the loneliness, but she couldn’t. She knew she was powerless. No Lucky Charm would solve the problems between them and bridge the gulf.

“Nina embraces you impetuously and runs out onto the terrace,” Rose announced.

Adrien placed the scones into the oven, set the timer, and then stood there for a moment, looking numb. “It would be a pity if she were seen in the garden. My mother would be distressed.”

There was a pause that had Marinette leaning forward, on the edge of her figurative seat. Surely, Adrien would go after her despite her insistence that he not. Surely, they would be reconciled. Surely, there would be a happy ending for Adrien this time.

Adrien cleared his throat. “And then I slowly tear up all of my manuscripts, unlock the door, go out, and shoot myself. End scene.”

“What?!” Marinette screeched, making Adrien, Rose, and Luka (who had been standing behind her for God knows how long, watching her go to pieces over Adrien) all jump.

“No!” Marinette insisted. “It can’t end like that! You have to go after her! You can’t just shoot yourself! What the hell kind of play is this?!”

Luka placed a steadying hand on her shoulder. “Deep breaths, Chanson. It’s The Seagull by Anton Chekhov.” Luka looked up at Adrien. “Beautiful job.”

Adrien’s face lit up with a smile and a blush, and he moved to run a hand through his hair, stopping when he remembered the blueberry lemon poppyseed dough still sticking to his hands. “Thank you. I’m glad you think I did it justice. I know it’s your favourite Chekhov play.” He turned to look at Marinette shamefacedly. “Sorry it upset you.”

[furious-winter]

i was tagged by @padmesgreene - and now i’m going to make you regret it lol 1) Arcane Lifeforce Mysteria - Dimmu Borgir ”ride the beast through paradise” 2) When I Am Queen - Jack Off Jill ”and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes” 3) Good God - Korn “your face that I despise your heart inside that's gray I came today to say you're fucked in every way” 4) Dashboard - Modest Mouse “oh it should've been could've been worse than you would ever know well you told me ‘bout nowhere well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go” 5) Annihilation Of The Wicked - Nile “in thick darkness amid violent tempests of unendurable cacophony his serpents make offerings unto his image and live upon their own fire” 6) Idioteque - Radiohead ”this one is to the children” 7) Politik - Coldplay ”but give me love over, love over, love over this” 8) Giant Swan - The Blood Brothers (imma cheat and say the entire song. the imagery in the lyrics across their entire discography is just fucking phenomenal. i can’t be pressed to pick just one from this song. sorry, i luff them. and be warned, they are noisy) “the giant swan's got ghosts in his wings his guts are stuffed with polaroids and they're all humiliating and when the wine's drunk and the wild cabaret has sung its last voice and you're sitting alone in the 4 a.m. darkness of a pitch-black theater he explodes like fireworks on the stage with gold smoke sing, your voice just won't stop blooming he wrote a play and you're the protagonist all the girls you wish you'd fucked make a guest appearance and oh, you just won't believe the ending so fly me home, giant swan the giant swan's got a pixelated beak his eyes are twin mushroom clouds his feathers are unsuspecting cities and his breasts are hollow apartments with the finest quality furnishings and you can watch tv until you die there skin draped over luxury chairs sing, your voice just won't stop blooming your heart's a diamond, buddy, what's the price? your heart's a diamond, what's the fucking price? your skin is cheap and your hair is shoddy sit and watch the ballerinas kick and spin and strip down to your vulgar skeleton you better take one more drink of Captain Morgan's rum it's gonna sting like a raw sunrise when they black swan's gone back at the resort the curtains closed you haven't left the room for two solid weeks with a pound of cocaine under the bed where the call girls perform their services and you have to leave CNN on so you don't think about her newborn son who entered this town from the crotch you're renting out who's at the door? what the fuck! who's at the door? what the fuck! who's at the door? what the fuck! your heart is sweating and your hands are turning black your shadow breaks in wearing a ski mask is that a machete at your throat? give me all your money! give me all your dope! and the sun's like a painting of your whole life you scratch at the canvas, but you can't get inside the sun's like a painting of your whole life you scratch at the canvas, but you can't get inside your family’s gurgling grief you think you're fast asleep is that the curtain closing? giant swan, take me to the river is that my flesh corroding? giant swan, take me to the river all the things you wish you’d said are buried with your x'd out head all your ulterior motives giant swan, take me to the river giant swan, take me to the river giant swan, take me to the river” 9) Song For The Dead - Queens Of The Stone Age

“if you're hanging around I'm holdin’ the noose”

rules: put your music on shuffle, list the first 9 songs and your favorite lyrics from each, then tag 10 other people to participate.

tagging @almostabeauty @halfprincesshalfgoddess @intothe-labyrinth @laxdrake4 @magicandmalice @prettypangolins @-rabbit @reaper86 @theasexualscorpio