#i am almost 100% sure i am undiagnosed with anxiety

[suappang]

i feel like a bundle of nerves that’s wound so tight that it’s about to snap

[thatstonedwriter]

hello!! since requests are open i'd love to request a ship for the boys <3

i'm a bi & ace jewish brazilian girl, currently in college in the us, majoring in theatre & minoring in translation (i want to be a musical theatre actress and/or playwright and/or translator). i'm 1.72m tall, have long brown hair that i've never dyed (i start thinking about it but chicken out), and no tattoos but very clear ideas of what i'd like to do if i ever got one. fluent in portuguese & english, currently learning french, and i have a life objective to become a polyglot (4+ languages!!).

i'm in love with theatre, literary analysis, linguistics, music, writing, and art in general — will absolutely ramble about anything i am interested in, and also might have strong opinions on stuff that maybe i didn't need to have a strong opinion on 💀 i can get a bit combative about that at times... i definitely take as my biggest skill, besides singing and acting which are quite literally my intended job, eloquence and just my way with words (toxic trait is believing i'd talk my way out of a murder fr fr). friends that know me more recently would even say i'm an extrovert because of that, but honestly i am a pile of nerves of an introvert with social anxiety that simply loves yapping and putting on a show. most notable quirk/habit might be how precise i always am with finding the right words because i simply cannot leave an opening for misinterpretation (and that's on anxiety and a suspicion of undiagnosed adhd oops); that might lead me to be a bit picky (for the lack of a better word), specific, and/or literal with the words other people use as well.

other tidbits: i can't cook for shit, i love cats (i have a rescue named lily) but also like dogs a lot, i love kids and have been told i'm good with them. i'm crazy lucky for some reason and i love crime comedy movies. i'm almost always writing or thinking about writing but i can't ever finish a project (and you may have realized now i write too much). i love arts & crafts & other manual activities, i do knot friendship bracelets to de-stress. my default hangout with anyone ever is grabbing coffee. i'm also pretty proud of my music taste — from alt rock to 20s-40s music, love curating the vibes and i'm a bit of a playlist freak. also i would 100% show brazilian music (mostly rock and mpb, brazilian popular music) to whoever i'm paired with 💥🇧🇷

hope this was good to write with and not too much oops 💀 and thank you so much in advance!! <3

A/n- Hello, and thank you for requesting! I'm so excited to write for a fellow theatre/language nerd! I wish you luck in school, and with your goals of writing and learning more languages. All of that is super impressive! Lots of love to you (and your cat omg give Lily plenty of hugs)

I'm pretty sure this is the first matchup I've ever done, so I hope you enjoy!

I ship you with...

Kimiko!

Your affinity with language and theatrics is what initially caught Kimiko's attention! With how much she appreciates art and music, your singing and acting is such an inspiration for her to express herself.

In the beginning, Kimiko had been incredibly cautious and closed off. When Butcher or M.M would talk shit, you and Frenchie would be the first ones to her defense. Your combative nature is inspiring to Kimiko- she loves how opinionated you are, and how willing you are to stand up for what you believe in.

I’d say one of the first things that got the two of you to bond is making friendship bracelets together. It started out with Kimiko watching you de-stress after a particularly rough encounter with a Supe. The repetitive motion seemed to steady your shaking hands, and Kimiko couldn���t help but wonder if making bracelets with you would help with her own stress and anxiety- after that, it's history

Kimiko's mutism definitely doesn't stop her from joining in the conversation. She began teaching you sign language not long after Frenchie. He would help give you additional lessons/practice.

I would imagine you pick up on Kimiko's SL pretty quickly, given your proficiency with language, but even if it took you a while, Kimiko just appreciates the effort and compassion, not to mention how clear and precise you are with your wording- A refreshing change to The Boys never really saying what they mean.

Your shy nature makes Kimiko pretty protective of you. Even knowing how combative you can be, Kimiko prefers to back you up, no matter what. Every time you say something, Kimiko signs either agreeing with you or emphasizing your point.

I think Kimiko would ask you to dance and sing with/for her all the time. She loves the variety of music you listen to, and can't get enough of your voice. Teach her some new dance moves and she'll be so happy

Dates between the two of you either consist of staying in and watching movies or going to get a quick coffee (you two have snuck out with Frenchie on more than one occasion, to M. M.'s dismay)

Bonus Ship- Frenchie!

It was honestly a tough tossup between Frenchie and Kimiko so I thought I'd add Frenchie in as a bonus, I hope that's alright

Obviously he'd love how passionate and skilled you are when it comes to language- absolutely helps teach you French.

Like Kimiko, Frenchie loves how artistically inclined you are. He'll join in singing and dancing with you, all in good fun. He's probably high as a Kite, so you can expect him to be a bit unsteady on his feet, but the enthusiasm is there

You're gonna get this dude hooked on Brazilian music. His taste is so varied that I think he'd have a great time being introduced to all of your music- even if he doesn't love it, he appreciates you sharing part of your life with him

Frenchie is more than happy to cook for you and teach you if you're interested- but mainly enjoys being able to take care of you, even if its something as small as making you breakfast

Bonus! You and Frenchie/Kimiko more than likely bring at least one stray cat back to the hideout- and no one is allowed to say shit about it or Kimiko breaks their arms

[bellewintersroe]

I saw that your ships are open and was wondering if I could request one?

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I am 5'6. I am also ftm.

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). That's all I can think of for now.

hey! Hope you’re doing good, thank you for your request!! I have read your other message too, I’m going to integrate it into this post!

I ship you with… Lewis Nixon!

Okay first of all, the fact you both have brown hair and brown eyes is so aesthetically pleasing to me? I feel like as a couple your looks would just literally look so good together. Like you just look like a perfect match?!

Lewis brought up travelling the world and attending Yale University means he’s a clearly educated man? So when he meets you it’s literally his perfect match, the fact you’re so talented in so many different areas is almost bizarre to him?!

like you can play instruments, you strive to be a paratrooper, and getting a whole doctorate degree?! Nix would literally be in shock? Of course proud is an underestimate. I feel he’d be a super supportive boyfriend?

let’s say you were stressed out one day because of work or education, I feel like he’s the type to come up and rub your shoulders and offer you a massage, to take you out for dinner, literally spoil you to elevate some of your stress?

The two of you would 1000% read books together? Like one of you would have your head in each others lap, or you'd share the same pillow even if you were in a queen sized bed?? I think Lewis would thrive from just being physically close to you.

take this man skiing. Please. It would 100% go one way or the other, hed fucking ace it or wouldn’t even try it because he knew he’d make a fool of himself. I feel like watching you ski so effortlessly would intimidate him into just sitting in the ski bars drinking whisky and watching you??

Oh he admired you and you’re endless talents.

I feel like being a more quieter and thoughtful person, Lewis would approach you first. In my mind it would be as simple as he found you attractive and struck up a conversation with you?

he’d tell you pretty quickly his feelings for you and omg I really really fancy this man. He’d want to take such good care of you, and I feel like he’d try bring you out of your shell almost?

only if you were comfortable with that of course. Lewis couldn’t stand seeing you hurt or the slightest bit worried by something he’d done.

the fact that you’re so good at almost everything you do?! Lewis is stunned, he’s amazed beyond belief. Not only is he super fucking attracted to you, but his jaw is constantly dropped by your effort in everything you do?

he’d definitely just come up behind you and wrap an arm around your front and pull you close. I think Lewis would be great at reassurance and words of affirmation, he’s a straight talking, honest man.

you have no room for overthinking, and if he needs you to do something for him??? I don’t think he’ll sugarcoat it, the two of you are so alike I feel like he just doesn’t even need to try?

he’s so effortlessly understanding surrounding you and your feelings. If you feel your anxiety and depression flaring up don’t hesitate to speak to him about it.

need anything? Ask him? Worried about something to do with him? Tell him. Lewis couldn’t stand the thought of you in that way.

And if there’s nothing he could physically do to help??? This man would 1000% stay in bed with you all day and tender to your every need. He would be so fucking gentle and warm- dhifoeifhdisoeoirbr

You owning shirts of country’s you hadn’t been to is so funny to Lewis.

however every time you put on a new shirt, Lewis is like “been there, hated it there, that’s not somewhere that should be printed onto a shirt”.

seriously, where hasn’t he been???

the man would love to take you travelling, he’d definitely want to spoil you rotten in each and every country on the globe.

Your similar style with Lewis means you could share your wardrobe.

often you’d lose your aviation sunglasses for hours?! Sometimes days? And then he’d rock up wearing them. I suppose you couldn’t complain because you just know he’d look so good.

And if your transition is when you’re with Lewis, he’s support your every single step. As long as you were happy and comfortable he felt he could give you his utter love and support.

platonically, I match you with… Eugene Roe!

Okay I feel like this friendship would come about further into the war? Let’s pretend you were out there together.

eugene, constantly looking out for everybody would recognise you were a little quiet. The man has been through some tough experiences himself, so he felt he could resonate with you?

there was no awkwardness between you both, I suppose in a way he’d be easy to open up to. He’d 100% provide reassurance and just the small little nice things you’d need to keep you feeling a little more positive each day.

I think the friendship would be so so healthy, neither of you trauma dumped on each other, but you just naturally understood one another?

the fact you both work so well under pressure just screams excellent team work. Eugene maybe recognises your lack of close friendships, and besides his worry of growing close to people, he just knew he wanted to be around to and ensure you were okay?

I suppose in a way the friendship is built on trust and a mutual respect, Gene would feel safe around you, more so than anybody else in the company.

I truly think the two of you would make a wholesome pairing.

[scatterpatter]

Corren - 1 through 100 - You did this to yourself.

FUCK YOU *UN-IRONICS YOUR ASK*

UNDER THE FUCKING CUT

1. What do they smell like?

Bad. Do you think their party is able to regularly take showers? I thinketh the fuck not. ... Pine and old books when he can self care tho.

2. What is their voice like?

Listen I know Corren, being taller, would be more likely to have a deeper register but you'll tear "tenor Corren" out of my cold dead hands

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Spite.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

When he first met his BFF Alondra, he was so antisocial and good at ignoring people that she actually got the impression he might have been hard of hearing. She never let him live that down. (one day I'll finish this fic i promise)

5. How do they deal with/react to pain?

"I will keep all of my pain in here, and one day I'll die." ... Okay but listen he's squishy so he takes like one hit and is bloodied up. Someone get him a healer. Pls.

6. What do they like to wear?

He likes his cloak. Its weighty and soft(well. WAS soft. got a bit of wear and tear these days.) and like. Who doesnt love cloaks.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

Ohhhhh fuuuccck this one's tough. I might have to go with Torvid honestly. While the entire party has had a positive impact on him(and trust me I was this close to picking Alistair), Torvid's been more of the one to call him out on his bullshit and to, oh I don't know, talk about your emotions? Ever??? Yknow BEFORE they become too much to handle and he absolutely breaks down???

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

Alistair's cooking.

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

Good luck finding him NOT cuddled up with at least one dog. Tbh he just enjoys cuddles in general.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

FUCKIN. GIVE HIM A GOOD STEAK. THIS BOY IS MOSTLY CARNIVORISTIC.

11. What do they feel most insecure about?

As tempted as I am to say "His cooking", it's actually his singing.

12. How do they like to dress?

"Comfort over flashiness tbh. I gotta go ADVENTURING in whatever I wear after all."

"... Also don't you DARE perceive me as cishet."

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

Call him a genie because he will BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?

Denial :D

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Shrike: Killing his dad

Me: NOOOOOO

EDIT: WAIT THIS WAS ANSWERED IN Q99 WHAT THE HECK

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?

Somehow more of a dick than usual. Snappy and cranky and just. Mrehhh.

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

Doesn't get drunk often, but when he does I imagine he's actually giggly and a little clingy. It's cute :)

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

*Opens my Corren playlist* Oh yeah. It's either full edgy alt rock or indie alt "depressed millenial" tracks.

19. Are they right or left handed?

FFFuuhhhhck uhhhh well

Looking over my old art I can't seem to pick a dominant hand(I've even drawn him handling his sniper with either hand???????????) so like oops guess he's ambidextrous.

20. Fears?

The dark, the ocean, dying alone and forgotten, his friends losing their trust of him

21. Favorite kind of weather?

Rain!!!! Especially cool rain like what people often get in fall months.

22. Favorite color?

Indigo!!!

23. Do they collect anything?

Books :3

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

Cold weather by far.

25. What is their eye color?

Electric blue!

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

Well his race is a homebrew race known as Marelienth. Uhhh ethnicity? Idk he's from a mountain town way up north *shrugs*

In human aus I imagine him as half-Mongolian half-Norwegian so ayee

27. Hair color?

Black!

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

No :D He loves adventuring with his party don't get me wrong but he still has a lot of trauma to unpack. ... Also he was just possibly broken up with soooo. :/

29. Are they a morning person?

NOPE.

30. Sunrise or sunset?

*motions to above question* Sunset.

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

More organized, actually!

32. Pet peeves?

*unravels a list. It's all shit the party has done. Mostly Alistair.*

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

HOOUSIDSJFK- HE- Y-YEAH HE SURE DOES

His amethyst pendant used to belong to his brother, Julian, and he gave it to Corren right before they were separated so you BET it's sentimental as shit and he wears it daily.

34. Least favorite food?

Mecha's usually a great cook but one time trolled him with some absurdly spicy curry he couldn't handle and he's never forgiven them.

35. Least favorite color?

Hmmm. Maybe... yellow?

36. Least favorite smell?

He spent a year with his party in a damp cave and no showers, so uh. I'll give you a guess.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Literally last night in our game's timeline :D Full breakdown and everything!

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

Torvid :D He was there to comfort

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

One time they were in combat and Corren took a few hits and was down to about 2hp or so. He had a temporary level thanks to Kieran, which boosted his HP a little bit. When he teleported them to a safe town, though, well... Torvid was waiting for them so that's cool. But uh. Yeah that temporary level wore off then and there, dropping Corn Cob to exactly 0hp and he just- flopped down face first in the snow and started dying then and there KJNDKLFNSLKN

40. Do they have any scars?

:)

Do you want to talk about the scar over his eye from a fight he got in with his dad or like. The scars on his limbs from the time he was literally experimented on.

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

:)

Undiagnosed+Untreated Anxiety, Depression, DPDR, PTSD, just to name a few

42. Do they have any bad habits?

Running away from his problems, definitely.

43. Why might someone dislike them?

He's a pretentious nerd. He can be a dick if he doesn't care about you.

44. Why might someone love them?

He's an adorable nerd! He's a hopeless romantic and oddly enough an optimist. He's passionate and driven too!

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Well ghosts are like- a canon proven thing in his world sooo. Yeah.

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

His party. Well- most in his party.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Nethyl :)

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

He's dating Nethyl and they're in a happy and healthy relationship :) *politely ignores canon*

49. Do they like surprises?

NO >:(

50. When is their birthday?

Heroya 5th! I think. I don't wanna check, assume it's this.

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

"You guys celebrate your watchdays?"

Jokes aside, he mainly just treats himself to a nice dinner and a new book or something :)

52. Do they have any family?

Two older siblings: Julian and Mila. His parents are Andreas and Fanya!

53. Are they close to their family?

... *Coughs*. He was close with his siblings, but Mila died and he hasn't seen Julian in 30 years. Was close with his dad but last time they saw each other, they fought and Corren might have killed him so. ... Yeah. :/

54. What is their MBTI type?

FUCK uh. I... N... T... J? INTJ. Sure.

55. What is their zodiac sign?

In Sekrezia: The eagle

In our world: Uhhh. Idk. Capricorn????

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

Uhhh. Ravenclaw??? I know almost nothing about HP :/

57. What D&D alignment are they?

THIS ONE'S EASY- lawful neutral!

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

:)

Used to have typical nightmares, nothing special. Nowadays though he often dreams of being underwater. Not drowning, though. It's... weird. He doesn't like those.

59. What are their views on death?

He's a necromancer lol.

Death is inevitable, though. It's a necessary part of life. Death is not an entire loss, though. One lives on in the memories others carry of them, in the love they hold in their hearts. Death is complicated, but that's okay.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

Alistair :)

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

Dog time :)

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

... Ehhhhhh?

63. Do they have an accent?

Technically??? It's an accent from where he's from but like. I just barely tweak my own voice when I rp him so? Damn Corren I'm sorry you've been cursed with east coast dialect.

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

"Damn who's the rich bastard here?" (cake is kinda a delicacy in their world- not like elites only but not NEARLY as common as it is here)

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

Reassurance mode to whomever he's with. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm okay. Remember what I told you, death is a natural part of life, yeah? I don't have any regrets, I'm okay... Just. Thanks. For giving me a chance. Thank you. Thank you."

66. How do they feel about sex?

I SWEAR he's allosexual. I'm just bad at writing allosexuals.

67. What is their sexuality?

He doesn't really know how to pin it down, so he just calls himself "queer". Definitely not straight, that's all he knows.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

AHAHA no. He's hella desensitized

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

Skulking cyst. Look it up at your own volition. It's. NO.

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

It's 12:21 in the morning and I'm NOT about to scroll through a bunch of tv tropes just. just. NERD stereotype.

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

Yyyyes? Only really if it's the people he cares about.

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Bullshit.

73. Do they have a pet?

WINGTHARA!! HIS SKELE-DOG!!!

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

Oh yeah he's all bark and no bite. He usually just throws a little fit and/or yells.

75. How patient are they?

More than he should be :/

76. Are they good at cooking?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

Oh yes he insults the others all the time. No particular favorite, he likes so spice it up.

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

Stim. Stim. Stim. His eyes get all sparkly and he. He.

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

He will do everything in his power to assure they won't ever have to deal with their fears alone- You afraid of spiders? It's his job to get the spiders from now on so you won't have to deal with them.

80. Are they trustworthy?

Oh yeah. He's like Rapunzel- doesn't break promises.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Oh yes he tries to hide it. And yes, he's awful at it.

82. Do they exercise regularly?

Yes and no? No like- exercise regimen, but the amount of travelling and fighting they do is just- a workout in and of itself

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

Yeah! He's cute and he knows it baybie!!!

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

He,,, he likes someone who's physically stong,,, Muscles are,,, aaaaa >///>

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

Someone he can nerd out with :)

86. Do they like sweet foods?

Impartial to it. He won't turn sweets away but he's not crazy about them either.

87. What is their age?

43, the equivalent of- I think someone in their mid 30s?

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

He's 6'8" :) Which is actually normal for his race

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

Sometimes! I like to think he has reading glasses or something like that.

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

HE'S CUTE AND HE KNOWS IT.

91. What is their sense of humor like?

Julian tainted his sense of humor and now he finds the most dumb shit hilarious. Think very millenial/GenZ humor like "I wish I was Jared, 19"

92. What mood are they most often in?

"I don't get paid enough for this" or Fear.jpg

93. What kinds of things anger them?

People who don't keep their FUCKING WORD. Oh and like. Yknow. Half the shit his party does.

94. Outlook on life?

Again he's??? Oddly an optimist? In the "Things will get better and that is a fucking THREAT" way, but still optimist!

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

Talk about his family :) Or the fact that his boyfriend might want him dead :)

96. What is their greatest weakness?

He's squishy as fuck. He goes down easy.

97. What is their greatest strength?

He's extremely intelligent and great with magic and his sniper!

98. Something that they regret?

Not doing more to stop his brother when he tried to resurrect their sister

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Either convincing an entire town his name is Torren or accidentally convincing some very OP people that he's secretly a dragon.

100. Create your own!

FUCK YOU I SPENT LIKE 2 HOURS ON THIS. NO PROOFREAD. IVE ALREADY DESIGNED CORREN'S AND NETHYL'S HYPOTHETICAL KIDS. ANYWAYS THEY'RE TWIN IRINAGA AND I'VE NAMED THEM AFTER THE DNDADS TWINS: THEIR NAMES ARE LARK AND SPARROW.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

I need some serious psychological help: Confessions from the blog owner.

Okay, so feel free to ignore this but I feel like I need to get some things off my chest and seriously talk about some things. This blog has been my lifeline over the past few years with my followers becoming my only friends. My best friends. People that genuinely care about me and listen to me. So I feel the need to say some things, let you all know where I am currently at in life, and possibly receive some advice if anyone reads this.

First, let me say I think I have gone through life with undiagnosed AD(H)D. Everytime I am genuinely interested in something career related or getting back into school, I start to get things together. Before I know it, I lose all interest and completely leave it behind, never to follow through. I have a bad problem with this in almost everything I do. It's also why I have 10 different save files in different games and none of which ever get beaten except maybe 1 or 2. I haven't made any significant strides or moved forward in life at all.

Another thing I have come to realize is I hate who I am. No, I don't mean my morals or how I am genuinely empathetic. I mean I have believed I was a straight cisgender male for 3/4s of my life. Being in quarantine has helped me figure out a few things. Mainly that I am Nonbinary and I am Pansexual. I am sure of that now. It's lead to quite the mental breakdown and uncovering bottled emotions and traumas. Others had me convinced I was cisgender male by hateful words, cunning deciet, and manipulating tactics and twisting my mindset into thinking I was wrong for considering anything other than cisgender male. @prideknights had a beautiful submission that basically opened my eyes to how hateful words have caused me to hate myself, for I was forcing an identity that didn't belong to me to satisfy those that wanted to give identities or take them to fit their agenda/beliefs. I fell for it. And it's no wonder I have been dealing with depression, dysphoria (though I didn't understand what it was till someone recently told me "yeah, that's gender dysphoria notbro (They say notbro instead of bro because they are nonbinary and use notbro as a NB way of saying bro lol). So I have dropped he/him pronounces and go by they/them. Still, I am unpacking a lot of trauma and beliefs that aren't my own mixed with those that are mine. I haven't gone completely public with my revelation because of fear and anxiety. I'm not ready to announce it on FB and have family I hardly talk to and other people know. I'm not ready for that in case I receive hate in any way because that's what caused me to suppress myself to begin with.

It's hard to love yourself while hiding the real you deep inside because of what others have said and done. What society does is create a world where people live in their own bubbles and anyone who enters that bubble is expected to follow their rules and beliefs. Eventually, entering enough of other people's bubbles, mostly toxic ones, will shrink yours to the point where nothing belongs to you, not even your gender or lack there of.

My sister's boyfriend recently moved in. He is great to my sister but incredibly abusive to me. I have left hints but my sister hasn't noticed. He is mentally abusive and recently he shoved me really hard. I can't outright tell my sister because she loves him and I'm kind of scared of what he might do if she breaks up with him because of me tbh. So I am trying to move out but have no money or anything to do so. I have found somewhere I can stay but I need a $250 down payment. I have $70. So I still need $180. The abuse is getting worse and worse and I think he knows I am NB now and I believe he is secretly a bigot. Again, I can't say anything and I am scared for both my sister and I. Though he does treat her really great. I think he just might have issues with me. I'm not sure why, though. Maybe he just hates LGBTQ+ people and knows. My sister knows I am Pansexual and I have brought a trans guy I had a crush on over... So yeah. I need to get out while she is dating him.

If anyone wants to help with my downpayment of $180 then you can donate to PayPal.me/yggdrasilmithos

My email for that PP is cc12991@yahoo.com.

That isn't necessary, though. I am also in search of a true therapist because I seem to have a lot of issues and things bottled up that I haven't unpacked. I want to know what's wrong with me and why I always lose interest, why I constantly find myself in traumatic experiences even though I try to avoid it. I want to find out what trauma I continue to hide while it still hurts me.

It might help my depression and anxiety to see a good therapist and truly talk to someone and open up completely without holding a single thing back.

Im trying y'all. I truly am. Please hang in there. Soon I will regain my full interest and post a bunch of content again. One thing that has held my interest is this blog, the people involved on this blog that are friends now, and the Tales of series. Though it fluctuates in how often or how much interests I'm currently holding.

Anyways, if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. Feel free to message me as well. I could use some friends, tbh. I don't have anyone in real life to talk to which is why I confide in this blog.

Also, if anyone donates and would like a post dedicated to you, gifs of some videos or gameplay made then just message me and let me know. I will make content for anyone that wants me to and donates, even if it is a dollar! I will make everyone gifs if their choosing or random Tales content gifs. My Paypal and email is 5 paragraphs up lol.

But it's 100% okay if not. I posted this just to let y'all know where I'm at in life right now.

Edit: I'm hanging on by a thread and had a good cry moments ago which is why I felt the need to post this and share with you all (my friends).

[sometimesrosy]

I know this is just like a comparison and that we shouldn't do it, but! I've just finished reading From Blood and Ash, and I was completely amazed by it. When I was still in the middle of it, it somehow gave me the courage to be able to surpass my writer's block and begin my draft. Now, here comes the problem... today I realized something: the book was published March 2020, and the author claims she had the idea since 2016 but only started writing it in September 2019. (cont.)

(cont.) That's more or less 6 months between starting the 1st draft and publishing. I'm assuming there were edits done in the middle (I mean, all books do, don't they??) Imposter syndrome came up when I was still reading the book, my mind would ask how would I ever be able to write characters as good. But I persevered! It makes me happy to think of how fast things were for her, 5th book is on the way and it's been ~2 years, but at the same time it makes me nervous. Will I even finish my draft?

+++

All right, so I need to start off by saying I am NOT an expert in the publishing world. I don't know it. So I can't explain how that all worked for her. But, the pipeline from first draft to published book is shorter for an established author than it is for a new writer. In general, I mean, if they aren't suffering from writers block or are a slow writer to begin with, like GRR Martin. Or both. Idk why that book is not out yet.

But that author has... wait let me look it up. FIFTY SEVEN PUBLISHED BOOKS OUT.

!!!!

Since 2011!!!! That's almost 6 books a year. She's one of the people they joke about when they talk about YA writers putting out so many books.

Listen nonny. This lady is a speed writer. She's a power writer.

I know speed writers. I am one.

I ghostwrite contemporary romance novels, and in the last two and a half years, I have written something like 20 books. I'm not sure. I've lost count and they've all blurred together. They're shorter books, for sure but if you look at word count, it might be close to her writing speed. You might also consider the possibility that she's hired someone to help her write all those books. I don't know her writing, but she might have a ghostwriter either writing some of the books or helping her clean them up, she CERTAINLY has an editor working on the second drafts.

As a ghostwriter, I write ONLY the first draft. In fact, I just finished one/am finishing it TODAY. I started with an outline that I did in 2/3 days, then wrote 2-3k a day for 3-4 weeks. I have three days left to write the epilogue, then go over it to tighten and clean it up, then I'm done. I try not to have to write more than 3k a day, because for me it starts to get exhausting, although if I made as much money as that author does I'm sure it would lessen the exhaustion.

Writing at that speed is not normal. In order to write that fast, you have to be obsessive, you have to do it every day, you have to have a routine that works for you, you have to have a lot of practice writing, you have to be supremely confident in what you do. You have to BE a writer. As in that's your life and your identity and you have to commit a helluva lot of time to writing.

Okay, it is normal. It's within the parameters of normal writer human behavior, but it is 100% not necessary for writers and you also shouldn't expect it of yourself if you're still on your first book.

I personally feel that the writing suffers when you write that fast. It's hard to make the story deep and meaningful and the writing taut and zingy when you're zooming through the story. Also, she writes genre books, you see, and that means conventions and tropes, and she probably mixes and matches them. Tropey genre books can be SUPER fun books to read and write because we resonate with them easily because of the familiar tropes

She might also be naturally good at writing characters. That can happen. Where she just knows how to bring out that depth of character. She's probably written HUNDREDS of characters to get to that point. AHH. And she studied psychology in college. THAT'S why her characters are so good.

I'm looking at her wikipedia. She doesn't disclose her age, which makes me think she's older than you would expect which means she's been at this a long time. You don't know HOW long she's been writing, or how much she wrote BEFORE she got published or how fast she wrote when she first started out.

Let me use myself as an example. I started writing novels (SFF) with the intention of being an author when I was 15. I FINISHED my first complete draft of a novel at 25. It took me a year. (Lit fic)

It wasn't until I started Nanowrimo at 35 that I learned I could write 3k a day and therefore finish faster. That's when my writing (SFF) started picking up speed. Then I started writing fanfiction at 45 and dropped all the anxiety that I'd always attached to my writing which kept slowing me down. I started posting my fanfic as first draft, and didn't bother with the revision process that I used in my original fic. Then I realized that I could write fast and clean first drafts, so I applied to a company that does ghostwriting, and THEY asked me to write novels in 21 days. It's a push. I don't love the pressure of having to write that much every single day, but I do write fast and I love writing stories. When I don't write stories I started to get depressed. I DREAM in stories now. They're like novels and movies. It has soaked into my bones. I'm a sack of stories held together by tired muscles and skin and fueled by coffee and peanut butter apples.

In all that writing life, I got a HS diploma, a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing, a master's degree in Teaching, taught HS for five years, waited tables for something like ten years, got married, had two children, one of whom is ASD/ADHD/depressed, moved something like twenty times, three times across country, got divorced, got ptsd, came down with a chronic illness, and like, SO much more. Don't look to me for publishing advice, because I've come to realize that my undiagnosed ADHD has interfered with my executive function in JUST the way that makes publishing hard (organization, paper work, reaching out to people, summaries, query letters, ugh,) even while really making me a writing machine (hyper focus FTW.)

What am I trying to say to you?

FIRST: Don't compare your beginning stages to her mastery. You're starting out. She probably started out twenty years ago and has had twenty years to develop the skills to do what she does. Writing doesn't start when you write the first word and end when you write "the end." Writing starts YEARS before, in all the study and practice and training and words that no one ever sees.

SECOND: She didn't write this book in six months. You should have picked up on that when she said she's been developing this story since 2016. She's BEEN working on it. Even when not writing it. The planning has already been going on for years and she probably has put a LOT of effort into those characters that you think just poofed into being in six months. She had it in her head, and in her notes, and in her plans WAY before starting writing.

THIRD: Everyone's writing process is different and every book you write also happens differently. Just because she did her first draft in a month or two or six and you haven't finished yours yet doesn't mean you can't. You have to COMMIT to finishing it, and frankly, that's what happened to me with my first finished draft. I was afraid I would NEVER finish that book, so I made a commitment to sit down at the same time every day and write until I was done. I think I started with a page a day, then slowly worked up to three pages a day and every once in a while hit ten pages. That was before I used word counts. And before 2k a day was my favorite daily goal. You can WORK up to writing fast, although you don't need to. You just need to sit down and commit to finishing.

FOURTH: Don't worry about speed unless you have a deadline. Don't despair because a professional speed writer at the height of her career can pump books out. Be your OWN kind of writer. Just keep moving forward. And when you finally hit "THE END" celebrate. Then work on revision. A totally different experience.

[illnessanxiety]

Hypochondria During the Pandemic

Since quarantine started, I have experienced the worst health anxiety of my entire life. Worse than summer break in middle school when I thought I had a brain tumor, worse than Junior year when I thought I had lung cancer, and worse than Hawaii when I thought I had heart failure.

I can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve been suffering since being stuck at home. Of course, I've been concerned about coronavirus. But that is only one small part of the endless amount of diseases I’ve had the time to obsess over. Since March, I’ve convinced myself I have diabetes, ketoacidosis, a brain tumor, urinary tract infections, epilepsy, fibromyalgia, kidney failure, sarcoma, liposarcoma, botulism, rheumatic fever, an intestinal obstruction, lymphoma, leukemia, lupus, multiple sclerosis, meningitis, sepsis, staph infections, heart failure, anaphylaxis, mononucleosis, a pulmonary embolism, deep vein thrombosis, breast cancer, a brain-eating amoeba infection, systemic sclerosis, water intoxication, asthma, heat stroke, and an aneurysm, among many other things. Although these individual disease obsessions come and go, they always manage to leave their mark. In other words, at this current moment, I still feel like I could have a lot of these diseases -- no matter what the scans and blood tests say. 

I’ve been obsessing over preventing these dangerous diseases -- to the point that I can’t eat certain foods or do certain things anymore. For example, I find it very hard to use canned foods while I am cooking, as there is a risk of botulism. I often feel unsatisfied when washing my fruits and vegetables -- almost like I can never truly wash them enough. If I see mold or a small insect just on one fruit or vegetable in a container, I feel the urge to throw away the entire thing. When this pandemic is over, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put my head under water ever again due to fear of brain-eating amoeba -- or if I’ll ever feel safe enough to be outside during the daytime for more than two or three hours due to fear of dangerous heat stroke. 

I have high hopes that my obsessive and intrusive thoughts will settle down once the pandemic is over and once I get busy again, but I am afraid that some of these irrational fears will never go away.

I wish I could find the humor in everything, but it’s all too terrifying. And it’s worse than you think. It’s not just “I have this disease.” It’s “I am 100% positive I have this disease and therefore I am going to change my lifestyle and diet to accommodate it, plan my future around it, and attempt to cope with my impending doom as it is too late to fix this.” For example, when I convinced myself I had diabetes I cut out all added sugars from my diet and I bought a test for ketoacidosis. It came back negative. At another point, I convinced myself I had sepsis from an undiagnosed kidney infection from an undiagnosed UTI. I bought a UTI test, cranberry pills, and a gallon of cranberry juice. Eventually, I got an actual UTI test and it came back negative. Another time, I convinced myself I had a deadly heart arrhythmia or possible heart damage from rheumatic fever from undiagnosed strep throat. I went to the doctor and I got an electrocardiogram. It came out normal. These obsessive thoughts control my life.

I either eat super healthy spinach soups in an effort to save myself, or I eat all of the sugar I want because I know it doesn’t matter anymore. Oftentimes I feel like no matter what I do, it is too late. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat on my bedroom floor or sat on the grass outside, staring up at the ceiling or the sky, trying to make sense of my life being cut short. I have spent almost every day throughout the past five months living as though there is not much time left. It is the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. I am a person who truly loves life, no matter how hard it can get, and it is my worst fear to have it taken away from me prematurely. I’ve have many nights during which I do not sleep at all. I fear not waking up the next morning. 

This has been absolutely horrifying for me. I’ve wasted so much time and energy panicking over slight symptoms and researching deadly diseases -- probably between 2 and 16 hours per day, depending on the obsession. Some days I feel as though I am in a trance. I forget about anything else I have planned for that day, and I am sucked into the world of sickness. 

Unfortunately, even on a good day when I am not hyper-aware of a bodily function or focused on a particular symptom, my health is always in the back of my mind, and I can't help but always feel like there is something wrong with me. I take my temperature multiple times a day, I check my oxygen levels, I inspect the inside of my mouth, I analyze the skin on my legs, hands, and arms, and I even inspect my period blood and stool. From the beginning of 2020 to now, I suspect I've been to the doctor about twelve times. Seven times within the last two months. Though I wish I could go more often.

I’m hoping that through blogging, I can eventually recognize the patterns of my irrational thoughts, analyze triggers, and learn how to cope with them in the moment. 

[tiffanytheswiftie]

Loner Lover

Here’s my Lover story – I’ve never had one.

I’m 28. I’ve never been in a relationship.  I’ve never been kissed.  I’ve only been on one date in my entire life.  I wish I had an easy explanation as to why, but it’s kind of complicated.  

I’ll try, though.

I always blamed it on my weight/appearance, but I’m starting to realize that might not be the case. In high school, I was extremely awkward. I was pretty much a loner.  I was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety and depression.  I barely had friends, let alone any other type of social or dating life. I was overweight. Dealing with all of those things together, plus having been heavily bullied throughout junior high, I had no self-esteem.  No confidence.  And this carried on into my 20s.  I never thought I was good, enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, etc. I still don’t, honestly. I thought all men hated me because I wasn’t thin, because I wasn’t pretty.  I wouldn’t even make eye contact with them out of fear they’d insult me for my appearance.  I struggled with panic attacks, bouts of depression, and going through time periods of binge-eating/emotional eating then not eating enough. I constantly felt out of place.  I felt lost all the time, and like I couldn’t find anything I enjoyed doing.  It seemed like I failed at everything.  I couldn’t lose the weight but instead kept gaining, making me hate myself more.

Needless to say, all of this led to me never dating.  I realize now, though, that most of the reason is because of my own issues and struggles, not because all men find me disgusting. I’ve spent the last year and a half trying to overcome these feelings. The first half or so of 2018 went great, I started getting healthier physically and mentally, but then the rest of 2018 and all of 2019 so far hasn’t been the best. The only thing I could really find joy in and focus on was Taylor and her new music.  Anything I create, rather if it was painting, bracelet making, editing, designing, etc. is inspired by Taylor.  So, I’m really grateful for everything she’s doing this year (well and every year, but you know what I mean).  It’s helped me.  I’m still trying.  I still want to get healthier mentally and physically.  I still want to find some confidence.  It’s just really hard.

So, as you might guess from the giant amount of information I just put out there, when I heard the album was going to be called Lover and would be all about love, I honestly felt a little disheartened. I thought to myself, how am I supposed to enjoy an album that’s all about something I long for but can’t seem to find?  

I feel so weird about being almost 30 and having less experience in dating than most 16-year-olds. It also just breaks my heart that I don’t know if I ever will get to experience being in love.  It’s something I’ve wanted since I was very young.  So, I was really worried this album would just make those feelings worse and I wouldn’t be able to listen to it as much.  I mean, I know all of Taylor’s albums (and literally every artist) has songs about love and relationships, but Taylor explicitly said this one would be all about love.  Which, I’m 100% happy for her and I’m so glad she’s feeling this feeling of love and has found someone to share her life with.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m not happy for her, I 100% am and wish her nothing but love and happiness forever.

However, with ALL of that being said, here’s the main point of why I told you all that: I think Lover is one of my favorite albums of all time.  Does some of it make me sad? Yeah.  But the great thing about Taylor’s songwriting is it really makes you feel what she’s feeling.  And I should have thought about that instead of worrying because she does that with all of her albums, from debut to reputation.

When I listen to Lover (the song), the lyrics and sound help me to imagine what being in love might feel like.  When I listen to Cornelia Street, it’s like I can watch the song playing out in my head, and it’s a beautiful love story.  When I listen to Death by a Thousand Cuts, I can imagine what that scenario might feel like. Her music helps me escape into a world where I can feel all of these things and feel like I’ve experienced them even though I haven’t, and that’s a beautiful thing.  Not all artists can fully do that.  Most don’t.

That’s one reason (among many) I’ve always loved Taylor, though.  Her songwriting and lyrics are next level and truly take me to new places. She’s able to capture what kind of emotion or feeling or whatever she wants the song to represent and does so perfectly. That’s why I cry every time I listen to All Too Well (plus I apply a lot of those lyrics to another aspect of my life) or I Almost Do.

And, although there’s a lot of songs I can’t personally relate to, there are still so many songs I can. Tied Together With A Smile is one I related to at 15 and still relate to at 28.  I Did Something Bad, ME!, Clean, Welcome to New York, Bad Blood, Change, Long Live, The Outside, The Archer, and so many more I feel on a personal level.  

It’s just crazy how she can do that. How these songs can somehow feel personal even when they’re not, and then when they are, I’m like, “YES SHE PUT IT INTO WORDS!” I’m not sure if that makes sense but I hope you can at least understand what I mean.

And hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to listen to Lover with a different aspect, where I will fully know what it’s like to be in love.

I don’t know why I decided to share this.  It’s just been on my mind.

So go listen to Lover.

[geekns]

My Mask and COVID Experience

I’m not really sure why i’m still interacting with these people but the latest outrage came from @queergeologist

@geekns I have autism and wear a mask, my dad has asthma and he wears a mask 8 hours a day, despite having a hard time breathing. You know what makes it hard to breathe? Covid. People who have lung conditions are more likely to die from covid

It was easier for my to breathe while I had COVID than when I've worn a mask. When I went to Walmart with a mask on I almost passed out and should have gone to the emergency room. I had COVID for 2-3 weeks and there was one night where I was coughing up so much phlegm that I was a bit worried. One night in three weeks vs every single time. 

I think my COVID experience was worse because of the mask. Since starting to wear a mask my asthma has gotten much, much worse. It's a constant issue rather than being triggered by smoke or perfume. I now deal with asthma 24/7.

When I put on a mask I will be dizzy and disoriented (and more) after 2-3 minutes and feel side effects for 2-3 days. I cannot function while wearing it after 5 minutes. But these are just the breathing issues!  I have asthma, PTSD, and (I’m undiagnosed but am fairly certain) autism. Masks and shields both make me claustrophobic and heighten my social anxiety. I have difficulty looking into people’s eyes on a normal day, with a mask or shield on it is nearly impossible.

FYI when i got COVID i was staying home unless i needed to go out for work or necessities like food and meds. I got sick while wearing a mask due to peer pressure and because i wanted to be professional for work. 

I will allow that I didn’t wear the mask at my pharmacy for my monthly pharmacy visit, but I wore it in every other instance. Though to be fair my family had COVID at the same time, but they all wore their masks when out and about for work and school. So they were infected while wearing their mask 100% of the time.

And yes, i will be honest that it took me over a month after i was over having COVID for my lungs and chest to stop hurting, but do you really think it would have been a good idea for me to wear a mask while i was immune, and not contagious, and had reduced lung capacity?

So my choices are to go without a mask and be judged or comply when it is actively making my health worse. I am tired of this discrimination b.s.

Let me just ask you one thing. Why do you people who are so insistent that “if I can do it you can” assume that you are so much smarter than my doctor? My therapist? That you understand my health needs better than I do? That you’re being kind when you’re hostile and indignant? Please stop being ableist.

"@geekns Source needed! Also, define "survivability" (from@theclockworkjules )

As requested in the chat for No one is harmed by wearing a mask:

WHO website research (Oct. 14, 2020):

Mathematical models have suggested that 40–81% of the world population could be infected, and have lowered the infection fatality rate to 1.0% or 0.9%.

CDC COVID-19 Science Update released: November 24, 2020 Edition 66

Infection fatality rates (IFRs) were higher in countries with older populations, such as Japan (1.09%, 95% Credible Interval [CrI] 0.94%-1.26%) and Italy (0.94%, 95% CrI 0.80%-1.08%), compared with countries with younger populations, such as Kenya (0.09%, 95% CrI 0.08%-0.10%), and Pakistan (0.16%, 95% CrI 0.14% – 0.19%) (Figure).

Abstract for "Estimating The Infection Fatality Rate Among Symptomatic COVID-19 Cases In The United States," Health Affairs 39, no. 7:

May 7, 2020 the IFR "in the US was estimated to be 1%. County-specific rates varied from 0.5 percent to 3.6 percent. The overall IFR for COVID-19 should be lower when I account for cases where patients are asymptomatic and recover without symptoms." This percentage continues to get lower as treatment strategies improve and more people are infected.

Survivability is the ability to remain alive or continue to exist.. And if you have issues with the WHO or CDC, then i suggest you take it up with them.

[wanderingjotun]

A rant on jobs and applications

I really need a new job. Really, really. This one is slowly killing me. As in I’ve drained my already-meager savings, and had more intrusive thoughts/ nearly self-harmed more in this position than I have in my entire life put together, and I’ve only been here 9 months. So the fact that looking for a new job stresses me out more than this hellhole is saying something. And is contributing to this awful downward spiral that I’m not sure how to get out of it yet.

Why does job searching stress me out so much? Because our system is really fucking broken, I have undiagnosed anxiety/depressive issues, and our system is really fucking broken.

I have a Bachelor’s degree, graduated in three years instead of four, have consistently been employed since a little under a year after I graduated (with experience in the fields I’m applying to) and still can’t get a damn interview.

I’m already disadvantaged because I have a very feminine legal name and misogyny is still a thing. Plus, it’s easy to see from my resume how young I am, and no one wants to hire a Millennial if they can get someone else.

I’ve spent 15 years of my life studying and working with English and writing, developing it into my singular marketable skill, but I still haven’t figured out how to actually use it for marketing after three years as a social media professional. Which means I don’t want/can’t get marketing positions—which are really the only thing creative writing is good for in most business settings.

I have that one marketable skill set that is apparently in high demand, but after six years out of college, I don’t think I want to actually make a career out of it. But I can’t afford to go back to school to develop another skill set and taking a minimum wage job will get me and my roommate evicted from our apartment and unable to feed ourselves, due to sky-high rent, student loan debt (which will only get worse if I go on forbearance or default, which are my only two choices for the massive state loans), and other costs of basic survival in the U.S. So I’m stuck applying for jobs I don’t actually want on a career path that’s sucking me dry, because there aren’t really any other financially viable options for survival at the moment.

All of the things I think I would like to do as a career are closing, or being de-funded, or are otherwise in danger due to the current political and economic climate in this country: museums, libraries, community/cultural centers, nonprofits working with the queer community, and almost any other artistic or humanitarian organization. In addition, the arts are all undervalued and making your way as a freelance artist of any stripe is (while easier than it has been in the past, thanks to the internet) incredibly difficult, and not ideal for shy, anxiety-prone people like me. That’s not even taking into account the self-employment taxes (which I’ve dealt with for three years and they nearly bankrupted me each time) and other legal issues that come with being a full-time freelancer.

“You need five years of experience for this entry-level job,” or “you need an incredibly specific degree that only two schools in the country actually offer,” or “you have to know literally everything about everything to get hired in this position.”  

Are you an introvert? Have a disability that prevents you from going out regularly and talking to people? Just don’t do well in person? Well, congratulations, you’re fucked in the job market, because the only way to get a job is to know people. As another post I’ve seen floating around said, “networking is just a way to rebrand nepotism as a skill.”

The only way to get past the applicant screening programs is to literally rewrite your entire resume for every position you’re applying for in order to ensure you’re using all of the correct keywords, in the correct order. That wastes so much time that could be spent applying for other positions, or cooking dinner or something, but your resume will literally get sent to spam or auto-deleted if you don’t do it. Same for cover letters (which are hellacious in and of themselves; query letters for novels are less painful than cover letters, and those make me tear my hair out).

Also a waste of time are all those applications (of which there are hundreds) that require you to both upload a resume and manually type in your work history. Seriously, there is nothing that makes me less likely to finish an application than realizing they want me to do this shit.

More often than not, I won’t hear anything from an application one way or another. When I do get a rejection, it’s a form rejection with no real reason as to why they didn’t ask me for an interview. So I have no idea if my skill set is lacking, my resume is poorly organized, the computer spat me out because I mistyped a keyword, or some other thing I could improve for my next round. I know it’s standard practice not to provide a reason, but it’s frustrating not knowing if it’s me or the resume or the person who’s hiring that’s the problem. Is it in my control or not?

I have too much experience for an entry-level job, but not enough for a higher-level position, and there don’t seem to be any jobs in-between. My only options are an unpaid internship, or a director/supervisor. What the fuck?

Employers want to see results on your resume—things you’ve changed, or improved, or accomplished. So what the hell do you put on a resume if your entire working life has been “well, I survived this without murdering someone,” or “I posted shit that no one read because SEO is dead and I literally had zero financial or creative support from the company”? Sometimes, your job is literally to be a grunt for the company—which is why I’m trying to get the fuck out! But employers don’t seem to accept that.

There’s this weird-ass idea that if you just look harder, your perfect job will fall into your lap. Or just talk to more people. Or try this other job board. Or just be open to taking a position that you’re not 100% sold on (which is how I wound up where I am now). Newsflash: this only works if you know what you want, you can negotiate for what you need, and you have a viable and marketable skill set in the current job market. No matter how hard I look, I won’t find my perfect job because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t actually exist in a way that will also allow me to eat next month, and I don’t have the capital or the time to just “create it.”

If you’ve tried a lot of different things in your work life because you don’t or didn’t know what you wanted to do, it’s considered ‘job hopping’ and you’re often seen as a bad or disloyal employee. Because how dare we attempt to find something fulfilling that also allows us to continue living? Thanks, capitalism.

I want to ensure I’m moving into a company that will allow me to freely talk about my girlfriend, or wear my chest binder (once my digestive issues allow me to) without fear of getting fired, but there’s no way to tell that during the application process. So, for all I know, I could be applying to highly homophobic places without realizing it and wasting everyone’s time even more than I already am.

Speaking of another waste of time, this entire fucking process feels like a useless cycle. Send resumes out, wait for months to hear nothing, rinse and repeat. It’s demoralizing and exhausting and awful, but it’s really the only way to get a job in today’s market. And that’s bullshit. So much bullshit. In the meantime, I’m over here trying to remind myself not to claw my face off and that digging my eyes out with a spoon is a bad idea (I don’t know why my self-harming intrusive thoughts center around my face/head, but they do).

So, yeah. I’m fucking stressed. I feel like I’m trapped in this lose-lose situation—I can’t physically or mentally survive in this current position for much longer, but I feel physically ill every time I open the job boards and try to find something I think I’m fit for. And, unless I get a better-paying job, I can’t afford a therapist, or medication I probably need, or even good produce on any regular basis. I need to look for a new job, but looking for a new job takes more spoons than I have when I get home. But I need the new job so I can recover the spoons. It’s this awful catch 22 every damn day. And I’m terrified that there’s no way out.      

[duaneodavila]

The Lawyers Depression Project

I recently became aware of an incredible mental health resource that has been flying under the radar. It is the Lawyers Depression Project (LDP).  It is a grassroots effort to address depression and other mental health issues in the legal profession.  The project is the brainchild of Joseph Milowic III, a partner at the law firm of Quinn Emanuel.

The LDP consists of attorneys, law students, law school graduates pending bar exam results and/or admission, and others in the legal field who were diagnosed at one point or another in their lives, with major depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, general anxiety disorder, or another mental illness.

It is also for those who are suffering but not formally diagnosed or who simply feel that something “isn’t right” but have not sought formal mental health help.

Joseph Milowic says this about this group:

We want you to know that if you are suffering, you are not alone, and there is a great deal of benefit in connecting with others who are dealing with similar issues. We host a confidential forum at www.knowtime.com and weekly online peer-to-peer support group meetings, offering members the option of anonymity. Meetings involve candid explorations of health and mental health experiences, impacts on legal practice, and tools for effective management and work-life balance.

Here are some examples of meeting topics and member questions:

I’m wondering how many other attorneys have told their work they struggle with depression/anxiety and what their experience has been?

I’d like to ask the group whether knowing what caused/led up to their depression helps or hurts their recovery?  If they don’t know, how much is it hurting/helping? 

What are your most important self-care practices?  Why it is important to prioritize yourself?     

How has your experience with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues added value to your life or your work?     

Media and social medias impact on our mental health, whether you participate and/or limit your intake.  

Isolation, loneliness and/or feelings of disconnectedness; how we cope, the challenges and benefits of socializing/connecting, and accessing feelings of connectedness. 

In only four months, the LDP has more than 100 members. All of their services and technology are provided at no cost to members (they have a web forum, chat room, and video conferencing technology for use by members).

Here are some of their stories:

Joe: My name is Joe Milowic.  I am a partner at Quinn Emanuel.  And I suffer from depression.  I was diagnosed with major depression over a decade ago.  For a long time, I did not feel comfortable admitting this to my colleagues for fear of being perceived as incapable or unproductive.  This was especially so as a young associate because I was worried people would be less likely to entrust me with important matters if they knew that I sometimes go through periods where I lose motivation and focus. My doctor warned that depression often comes back later in life and can be even worse the next time.  Over the years, I battled it off and on, in what I would describe as cycles of high productivity and occasional ruts that I just need to work through.  During the ruts, I would lose motivation and need to remind myself that it is only temporary — it is an illness and that life is not in fact pointless.  I came to realize that depression is an illness like any other illness and it deserves to be recognized and treated as such without fear of stigmatization. I realized too why depression is so dangerous — when your mind is ill, you can actually believe there is no point to anything, including living.  And unfortunately, sometimes, when you don’t realize you’re sick the results can be tragic, particularly for those we leave behind.  These realizations were a turning point for me, and I decided that speaking out from my position as a partner at Quinn Emanuel would enable me to be more impactful in speaking out about mental illness.  And the fact is we should be talking about this, because you can succeed in Biglaw, and at a top law firm, even if you suffer from depression.  I’m committed to these matters in hopes that someone who is suffering from depression, like I was, will read about my experience and get help

Julia: I was diagnosed with OCD after my first year of law school.  Although I had struggled with the symptoms for many years before that, it took a summer externship fraught with anxious thoughts and compulsive checking of things ranging from my research cites to the door of the judge’s chambers to make sure it had in fact locked behind me, to realize that I needed help.  Now 15 years later, I know how to manage my compulsive checking behaviors.  Yet I also want to be more transparent about the footprint of the other side of the OCD equation — obsessive thoughts and rumination — and what that means in my professional and personal life.  LDP has provided a supportive and inclusive environment for me to share my insights about OCD.  The calls also serve as a weekly affirmation that it is okay to be committed to one’s mental and physical well-being.  I feel very lucky to be part of the LDP team.

Reid: My name is Reid Murtaugh. I am an attorney in Lafayette, Indiana.  I grew up in a world where I felt I had to keep my diagnosis private.  I kept it private through law school and the first seven years of my law career.  In January 2017, I disclosed my bipolar II diagnosis in an article published in the Indiana Lawyer newspaper.  My disclosure allowed me to reach out and connect.  A colleague shared Joe’s article with me.  I shared my story with Joe and he invited me to participate.  LDP is the peer community that I hoped to discover when I started this journey.

David: David Evan Markus, Esq., serves as judicial referee in the civil parts of New York Supreme Court, Ninth Judicial District, and has served in multiple senior legal and policy roles throughout New York State government, including under New York Chief Judges Jonathan Lippman and Judith S. Kaye, and the New York State Senate.  Also an ordained rabbi, Markus serves as pulpit clergy at Temple Beth El of City Island (New York City, NY), as North America’s only pulpit rabbi also to serve full-time in government.  Markus brings to his LDP facilitation his additional certification as a multi-faith spiritual counselor.  He serves as rabbinic faculty at the Academy for Jewish Religion in New York, faculty in spiritual direction for ALEPH (the seminary of Jewish Renewal), and founding builder for Bayit: Your Jewish Home.  Markus previously has taught political science and judicial administration for Fordham University, and administrative law for Pace University’s graduate program in public administration.  Markus earned his rabbinical ordination and spiritual director ordination from ALEPH, his Juris Doctor magna cum laude from Harvard Law School, his Masters in Public Policy from Harvard University’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, and his Bachelor of Arts summa cum laude from Williams College.  He lives in New York.

Lisa: My name is Lisa Smith and I am the Deputy Executive Director and Director of Client Relations at Patterson Belknap in New York City. I’m a former practicing lawyer and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I checked myself into detox for substance use disorder in 2004. I learned that my alcohol and cocaine abuse was directly related to my previously undiagnosed depression. I had been self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which led to a horrible downward spiral that lasted more than 10 years before I got help. Since I started appropriately treating my depression with medication and therapy, I have been able to stop self-medicating and I’ve been sober for almost 15 years. I was terrified of anyone in my firm learning of my substance use, so I had resisted seeking the help I needed. I’m committed to smashing the stigma around these issues so that we can all understand the resources available to us and feel comfortable reaching out for help. We all deserve to be healthy and happy. I’m thrilled that lawyers now have this incredible community of support — no one needs to work through these issues alone. I chronicled my journey in my book, Girl Walks Out of a Bar, and co-host the podcast, Recovery Rocks.

Meredith: My name is Meredith Siller Rimalower. During my time as a Biglaw associate, I observed how the legal profession can attract, exacerbate, and reward certain behaviors that are actually symptoms of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. So great is this need that it inspired me to make a career change, and I am currently in the process of becoming a licensed psychotherapist hoping to work directly with the legal industry. With the ABA’s recent findings on the prevalence of mental health disorders in the legal industry, I firmly believe that fighting the stigma and providing mental health assistance to legal professionals is no longer optional. LDP is a huge step forward in the direction of fighting the stigma and providing peer support. Through meetings and online forums, LDP is an easily accessible, pressure-free environment where lawyers can share and truly be heard, without judgment, among thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate members.

For more information about the LDP, please contact josephmilowic@quinnemanuel.com or joe@knowtime.com.

Brian Cuban (@bcuban) is The Addicted Lawyer. Brian is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Addicted Lawyer: Tales Of The Bar, Booze, Blow & Redemption (affiliate link). A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law, he somehow made it through as an alcoholic then added cocaine to his résumé as a practicing attorney. He went into recovery April 8, 2007. He left the practice of law and now writes and speaks on recovery topics, not only for the legal profession, but on recovery in general. He can be reached at brian@addictedlawyer.com.

[carelloue]

E28 - Notion of a Nation

alexisnothome: morninggggg. :)

alexisnothome: new meds make me wake up at 6am on the dot. Evvvvvvery morning.

alexisnothome: Why are YOU up early?

alexisnothome: Tell me you weren't up all night again.

alexisnothome: It's so weird that both of us had these issues and didn't even know.

alexisnothome: Or that mine went undiagnosed for so long.

alexisnothome: And I bet if I disclosed my CPTSD

alexisnothome: Everyone would expect me to get violent.

alexisnothome: I knew something was wrong but I felt like I couldn't do anything about it.

alexisnothome: I didn't want to feel broken.

alexisnothome: That is not a huge surprise.

alexisnothome: What do you mean?

alexisnothome: That makes so much sense.

alexisnothome: I'll co-sign that.

alexisnothome: Even if I'm the only one awake right now.

emblue: oh I'm online too!!

emblue: I just woke up but YES YOU'RE AWESOME DOROTHY!!

alexisnothome: Honestly that would be really nice.

alexisnothome: Oh no.

emblue: What??

alexisnothome: Dorothy has an idea. Never a good sign. :P

emblue: ALEX DID YOU JUST USE AN EMOTICON???

emblue: i am so proud <3

emblue: hi Portia! Oh this is gonna be so cool!

breton: im sure she's fine.

monochrome: a wild dorothy appears

emblue: this sounds SO GREAT!!

breton: how is he this adorable.

cookiemonster: I like this issue! It's so important.

cookiemonster: What? Really??

cookiemonster: Wow. I wouldn't have guessed.

canonicallyace: i thought she might. we know how to see it.

monochrome: wow. anxiety is officially badass.

cookiemonster: Co-signed.

breton: yeah all 5 of my colleges were swamped

cookiemonster: Now we know why you have so much debt.

emblue: how did you even go to five schools???

breton: duh i have three phds

cookiemonster: In WHAT??

breton: discrete mathematics

breton: 19th century romantic literature

breton: and i legally cant disclose the third one

cookiemonster: Oh crap. DAMMIT DOROTHY.

cookiemonster: Stop looking at us!!

cookiemonster: We don't have any answers for you!!

breton: wow you are bad at this

cookiemonster: oh double crap

canonicallyace: Dorothy, I can't believe you let it slip.

cookiemonster: It sucks but sometimes these things happen.

cookiemonster: We're really proud of you too!!

canonicallyace: 100%

emblue: 10000%!!!

breton: That's not physically possible.

emblue: GOOD LUCK!!

emblue: WOOHOO!

breton: too bad it wasn't 69

cookiemonster: Never speak again.

cookiemonster: I wanna be Treville when I grow up.

cookiemonster: Oh! We could do Krav Maga together!!

breton: slow down there sassy

cookiemonster: Sassy was right.

cookiemonster: It's weird, she hasn’t been around lately.

canonicallyace: I think the election scared her off.

monochrome: it was confusing for a lot of us…

canonicallyace: Henry :/

breton: lol

emblue: yeah thats more like it!!

emblue: what are you doing back at the HQ? where is everyone?

cookiemonster: And did you FINISH??

canonicallyace: That's awesome! :D

canonicallyace: How does it feel? To be almost done?

emblue: she's back!!!

monochrome: no need to yell em

emblue: i just have so many feelings

breton: wheres jacob, I think he wanted to chase her with a pitchfork while insulting her political skills

cookiemonster: Wow. Could this mean… character growth??

monochrome: yah that tracks

canonicallyace: Oh wow.

canonicallyace: Good for Anne!

cookiemonster: If anyone knows that lesson it's Dorothy.

monochrome: yah shes so different from even a few months ago

canonicallyace: She's grown so much. ^_^

cookiemonster: Yeah, won't you be at the election?

cookiemonster: And she's gone. Just like that.

cookiemonster: End of an era.

Previous Main Next

[occasionalanon-blog]

Post #1

Growing up as an overachiever might have been the worst thing ever. Although, I’m not 100% sure it’s even remotely related to my (undiagnosed but probably present) depression and maybe anxiety, I’m for sure still going to blame it for all of my problems. It’s so hard going from being the best, to being average. I’ve seen funny posts about it, but it just hit me that it’s happened to me too. As a 2nd year computer science major who isn’t obsessed with programming, I don’t think I can handle being in competition with people who actually like doing the work they’re given and don’t see as actual “work”. I’m not failing my classes (somehow) and I was pretty proud of my major average first year which turned out to be 93.66%. See, I have this weird thing where if I get anything below a 91% then I beat myself up because it just shows how I’m not smart and that anyone who’s ever told me I was, was wrong. Because for me, getting an A isn’t getting 86% of the questions right. It means getting 14% of the questions wrong, which is way too much to be bragging about. However, Anything over a 94% is absolutely incorrect. The test was either too easy, where everyone also did really well, or I just got lucky with my short term memory. I am not smart. People look at my grades and tell me I’m smart. I’m not smart. I’m actually stupid. Like really stupid. I don’t know how no one sees it. The education system is a game and I’m just good at playing it. You’re not smart for being good at a game. Smart means creative. Smart means resourceful. And smart means using the things you know to figure out the things you don’t. I can do those things to some extent. But I wouldn’t say I’m better than the average person. School teaches you concepts. A lot. In a short period of time. Tells you to memorize it, then tests you on how much you memorized. I have a good short term memory, which allows me to excel in these types of situations. My long term memory, not so good. I forget things I learned almost instantly after I’m done using them. I think I’ve made it as far as I can with my memorizing technique, but past this point, it’s all downhill. With zero motivation, passions, or talent, there is no way I can ever succeed in my field. I’m told I will have no trouble finding a job given that I’m a girl. Some people find that unfair. I find that unfair. I don’t wan’t it. Even if I get hired, I’ll just be seen as a way for the company to show that they care about diversity, It’s for publicity. If it were solely based on talent and skill, there is no way in hell I would ever find a job, which is how it should be. I don’t mind saying that I don’t deserve a job because it’s true. Why should I get a job when there’s always someone who’s better than me, more qualified, and more passionate than I am? I am none of those things, I don’t spend my time learning or studying. I spend most of my time either watching tv shows or wanting to die, and a lot of time both. I have this feeling that I’m going to die early, and it doesn’t scare me. I don’t know how I’d die. Maybe a car accident. Maybe a disease. I say I want to kill myself a lot. I’m not lying when I say it. Sometimes my urge to jump off a bridge is so strong that I’d do it if I had the energy to drive to one. I’ve thought about death so much that it doesn’t scare me anymore. Actually, what scares me is that death doesn’t scare me. I’m not a religious person despite having religious parents which is a whole other thing I don’t understand. Won’t get into that now. But most of these thoughts about not being good enough came when I learned that a classmate of mine, who is the same age as me, has his own company and a major average of 96% He has experience in his field, his own company, enjoys what he does, and still manages to maintain a high average. I’m here doing at most mediocre school-wise, working part time, and having a mental breakdown every single day. How the hell am I going to survive. I probably won’t. But I’m too big of a wuss to actually kill myself, so that probably won’t happen. I don’t know.

[robertsmorgan]

Are Energy Drinks Bad for You?

Energy drinks are popular among gamers, students, athletes, professionals, and anyone who has to drive overnight from Milwaukee to St. Louis. They’re big business, too. Americans spent $12.5 billion on energy drinks in 2012. Market experts predict that number to climb to $21.5 billion in 2017.[1] It’s clear that these drinks are only growing in popularity. With so many people guzzling them down every day, can energy drinks really be that bad? The short answer is yes.

Energy drinks can be devastating for your health. They contribute to heart problems, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, anxiety, insomnia, and a host of other health risks. In some rare cases, energy drinks have even proved fatal.

A Growing Public Health Concern

In 2011, 16-year-old Sara Milosevic went to a party where she consumed several pre-mixed alcoholic energy drinks. A few hours later she was vomiting violently. Other partygoers just assumed she couldn’t handle her alcohol. At 11 pm, the teen called her parents to come pick her up. By 3 am, Sara was dead. An autopsy revealed that her blood alcohol content was only .04—not even enough to be considered legally drunk. Sara’s father, a chemist, believes the energy drinks caused her death.[2, 3]

In 2011, mere days before Christmas, 14-year-old Anais Fournier suffered a fatal heart attack. In the 48 hours before her death, she consumed four energy drinks. In total, Anais consumed 480 mg of caffeine—less than one-tenth the official fatal dosage of the stimulant, but almost five times more than the recommended limit for adolescents. Doctors speculate that the energy drinks agitated a pre-existing genetic heart condition.[4]

It’s not just teens who are affected. In 2015, 28-year-old Martin Bowling suffered a heart attack after consuming eight energy drinks at a pub. Bowling was rushed to a hospital and survived. He had been spending $150 a week on energy drinks.

“I’d been drinking them for about seven years, and it was like I’d become addicted,” said Bowling. “Now I see those drinks as death in a can.”[5, 6]

Even popular athletes can succumb to the toxicity of energy drinks. In 2003, professional wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was hospitalized with severe heart palpitations. He believes that his then habit of consuming 3-5 energy drinks every day was a primary cause of the health crisis.

“I think I’m dying, dying for sure,” Austin recalls of the event. “My heart’s beating so hard it feels like it’s going to crack a rib jumping out of my chest. My heart might be doing 160 or 180 beats per minute. My legs are shaking and I can’t make them stop. I’m sure I’m having a heart attack.”[7]

Between 2004 and 2014, energy drinks have officially been a factor in at least 34 deaths.[8] Unofficially, perhaps many more. Caffeine deaths are often attributable to other factors and may be severely underreported and undiagnosed. Some doctors suspect that the actual number could be much higher.[9] Thousands of people have been hospitalized with symptoms of energy drink overdose, including insomnia, anxiety, convulsions, high blood pressure, heart attacks, and other cardiovascular complications. The wings that energy drinks give you might just come with a harp and halo.

How Your Body Reacts to Energy Drinks

We all need a little energy boost now and then, but there are healthier options. Energy drinks are a chemical cocktail of caffeine, refined sugar, and other ingredients. Some of which, like herbs and vitamins, may even sound healthy. What is it that makes energy drinks so dangerous?

One study looked at the effect that consuming just one 16-ounce can of a leading brand of energy drink had on basic, vital functions. The findings? Blood pressure jumped an average of 6.6 points within thirty minutes of consumption, and norepinephrine, a stress hormone, increased by 75%. Norepinephrine also enhances the production of cortisol, a fat-storing hormone, significantly increasing the risk of weight gain.[10]

Energy drink manufacturers maintain that their products are safe when consumed in recommended amounts. Do you know what the maximum recommended intake is? For most brands, it’s two or three cans per day. For some, it’s only one.

These warnings are easy to miss. Manufacturers usually hide them in small print on the back of the can with the other information that few people bother to read—that’s if the warning is on there at all. Make no mistake, beverage companies want you to drink as much of their product as possible.

There are two main health dangers of energy drinks—neurological and cardiological. In other words, your nervous system and your heart. These problems are caused by the very same ingredients that make you feel energized—staggeringly high levels of caffeine and sugar.

Energy Drinks Are High in Sugar

Energy drinks can contain up to 78 grams of sugar per serving. That’s 20 teaspoons of sugar every time you drink one.[11] Admittedly, that’s the high end of the scale, but these drinks average about 30 grams of sugar and 280 calories a can. That’s not health food. If staying trim is your goal, drinking just one energy drink makes your job 280 empty calories harder. That’s about 35 minutes of burpees.

Even if you work out enough to stave off diabetes and weight gain, sugar can still damage your health. Excess sugar is one of the leading contributors to heart disease. One study found that people who consumed 25% or more of their daily calories as sugar doubled their chances of dying from heart disease.[12]

Many companies have sugar or calorie-free versions of their product, but what are they using to replace sugar? Artificial sweeteners like aspartame may be even worse for your health. They can interfere with your gut biome, damage your metabolism, encourage obesity, and contribute to diabetes.[13, 14,15]

Energy Drinks Are a Source of Caffeine

Exact amounts vary, but the average energy drink contains about 70-100 mg of caffeine—about as much as a cup of coffee.[16] That doesn’t sound very dangerous, and to a healthy adult, it usually isn’t. Caffeine is toxic but generally safe in small amounts. The problem is the combination of caffeine and other stimulants in an energy drink, as well as lesser understood ingredients like taurine. This chemical cocktail can trigger existing health problems, including genetic disorders that you may not even know about yet.

This is likely what happened in the case of Anais Fournier. Anais had a heart condition called mitral valve prolapse, a relatively common condition that affects 1 in 20 Americans.[4] She consumed only two energy drinks in the 24 hours before her death. That doesn’t sound like much, but, when combined with her condition, it was enough to bring about tragic consequences.

Energy Drinks and Children

Fournier’s unfortunate case is unlikely to be the last. The use of energy drinks by young people is on the rise. Culture and media influence our diets in many ways, both directly and indirectly. Because of this, the youth are likely to see energy drinks as just sort of a cooler kind of soda. A 2014 study estimated that 68% of adolescents and 18% of children under 10-years-old consume energy drinks.[17]

While caffeine is safe in small amounts for healthy adults, it’s a proven health risk for children. Nearly 50% of the people who overdose on caffeine are under 19 years old.[18] Adolescents should limit themselves to no more than 100 mg of caffeine a day. Children age 4-6 should consume no more than 45 mg daily.[19] For children younger than that the number should be zero.

Unlike cigarettes and alcohol, there are usually no age restrictions when purchasing energy drinks in the U.S. Other countries have wised up. In Sweden, for example, most energy drinks can only be sold in pharmacies and selling to children is banned.[17] The World Health Organization (WHO) confirms that energy drinks have a “proven negative effect on children.”[17] The bottom line is simple—children should never consume energy drinks.

Energy Drinks and Alcohol

Eager for new profits, energy drink companies started marketing to the bar crowd in the early 2000’s. They urged bartenders to promote mixed alcohol and energy drinks. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but combining energy drinks with alcohol substantially increases the dangers of both. Caffeine is a stimulant, while alcohol is a depressant. Combining the two can imbalance your system.

One way this manifests is as a “delayed drunk” feeling. The stimulant masks some of the sensory cues on which you normally rely to determine your level of intoxication. In other words, you’re drunk, with the same loss of cognition and motor skills as usual, but you don’t quite realize it. This means that you will likely drink far more, and far faster than you normally would.

I know that some people might think this sounds like a pretty good thing. You get to party longer, right? Well, that’s what energy drink marketers want you to think.

Caffeine doesn’t change your actual blood alcohol level, just your perception of it. That means that as you drink more to hit your buzz, all the usual dangers of drinking are magnified. One study found that people who mixed alcohol and energy drinks were more than twice as likely to drive drunk and far more likely to be a passenger in a car with a drunk driver.[20] As you feel the need to drink more to feel the same high you’re used to, your risk of alcohol poisoning also increases. If all that isn’t enough, your hangover will be worse, too.[21]

A few years ago, energy drink companies were eager to capitalize on a potential new revenue stream. They started selling pre-mixed alcoholic energy drinks. The FDA warned consumers to avoid these dangerous drinks and sent warning letters to energy drink companies calling the concoctions a public health threat.[22] Pre-mixed alcoholic energy drinks quickly disappeared from U.S. store shelves soon after. That won’t stop you from ordering a mixed energy drink in a bar or mixing your own, but I strongly caution against it.

The Effect of Energy Drinks on Athletic Performance

Energy drinks remain popular among athletes for their supposed performance-enhancing effects. Some people don’t care about side effects as long as it provides results. Well, if the idea of a heart attack in the middle of a kickboxing match doesn’t deter you, maybe this will: energy drinks ruin long-term athletic performance.

Studies on the actual performance-enhancing effects have revealed mixed results. Some studies find a minor, short-term boost, while others have found no performance-enhancing effects at all.[23] The truth is that there’s no magic potion for winning inside those cans. Any perceived performance-enhancing effects come from the simple formula of caffeine plus carbs, and there are healthier ways to get those.

Our bodies quickly build up a tolerance to substances like caffeine and sugar, and prolonged overuse tends to have undesirable side effects. Caffeine reactions frequently include bowel instability, mood swings, and anxiety. With sugar, it’s weight gain and diabetes. Both can cause insomnia and other sleep disorders. A study published in the British Journal of Nutrition found that energy drinks significantly increased insomnia and anxiety in athletes.[24]

Aluminum: A Hidden Toxin

There’s another potential source of toxicity in energy drinks that you probably haven’t thought of—the can itself. Aluminum cans have been the standard beverage container for decades, but aluminum is toxic to the human body. Hopefully, no one is eating the can after consuming the beverage, but energy drinks are acidic, and trace amounts of aluminum break apart and contaminate the beverage itself. The average American ingests about 7-9 milligrams of aluminum per day in food and drink.[25]

If you ingest a tiny amount of aluminum, your body’s natural detoxification processes can usually filter the toxins out. Consuming an excessive amount of canned beverages over a prolonged period is a different story. When you ingest toxic material faster than your body can process it, that material accumulates, overwhelming your system. Those with existing kidney problems are especially at risk because of a reduced capacity to filter toxins.[25]

High levels of aluminum can cause disorders in the brain, bones, and nervous system including confusion, muscle weakness, brittle bones, and seizures. In children, aluminum toxicity can impair mental and physical development.[26]

Mixing your own fresh beverages at home is the best thing you can do to quench your thirst, but I understand that that’s not always practical. If you must buy pre-packaged drinks, only buy those in glass containers.

Energy Drink Alternatives

Without question, an overall healthy lifestyle with proper diet, plenty of rest, and regular exercise is the best way to feel fully energized. However, there are times when everyone needs that extra boost. If energy drinks are off the table, what are your best options?

Ginseng

Most energy drinks are advertised as containing ginseng. Ginseng itself is great, it improves energy, appetite, and sleep quality.[27] However, the ginseng used in energy drinks is cheap, processed, low-quality, and present in such tiny amounts that its therapeutic effect is practically non-existent.[28] When you factor in the health-ruining amount of sugar and toxic ingredients, ginseng’s potential benefits are more than wiped out.

Why not just cut out the chemical cocktail and go straight to the source? A ginseng supplement is far more active—if it’s high quality. In fact, ginseng effectiveness is completely dependent on quality, and quality varies considerably. Only purchase from reputable companies that are completely transparent about their sourcing and production and only invest in products that are completely natural and toxin-free, like Ginseng Fuzion™.

Vitamin B-12

If you feel drained constantly, you may be one of the 40% of Americans who are vitamin B-12 deficient.[29] B-12 deficiency leads to low red blood cell count—a type of anemia. Symptoms include fatigue, weakness, and difficulty concentrating.[30, 31] Red meat, mollusks, and dairy are the richest sources of B-12. There are few non-animal sources, so those of us that follow a plant-based diet should consider a high-quality B-12 supplement like VeganSafe™ B-12.

Black and Green Tea

If you absolutely need that caffeine boost in the morning, at least obtain it from a better source than energy drinks. Black or green tea can provide a similar mental boost. Tea has less caffeine than energy drinks and causes fewer sleep disruptions.[32] According to two double-blind, randomized, placebo-controlled studies, tea improves attention and self-reported alertness.[33] The combination of theanine and caffeine, naturally occurring ingredients in tea, improves cognitive performance.[34]

I only recommend tea for adults and teens—it’s not for children. While tea has significantly less caffeine than energy drinks, any caffeine at all is a potential health risk to a developing brain and body.

Nuts

If you need an energy boost fast, try a handful of nuts. Nutrient-dense nuts help your body sustain energy levels and they’re a good source of high-quality protein.[35] They also contain valuable phytochemicals like carotenoids, phenolic acids, phytosterols, and flavonoids. These nutrients encourage physical and mental well-being, helping the body sustain higher energy levels. Walnuts, almonds, cashews, hazelnuts, macadamias, pecans, and pistachios provide the best bang for your buck.

Water

If you’re feeling irritable and tired, you may actually be slightly dehydrated. Studies show that even mild dehydration can cause drastic changes in mood and energy levels.[36] It’s important to stay properly hydrated, especially when exercising. Forget the brightly colored sports drinks—blue dye isn’t going to help you. Electrolytes are important, but in the context of energy drink marketing, it’s just a fancy word for potassium and salt. It is necessary to replace lost minerals after an intense workout, but you can get the same effect by adding a pinch of Himalayan crystal salt to purified water.

Exercise

It may sound counterintuitive, but exercise will actually make you feel less tired. In fact, regular exercise is the best thing you can do for increased energy, weight control, and overall quality of life.[37] In a pinch, even five minutes of light, low-intensity exercise can boost your mood, concentration, and energy levels.[38]

Sleep

Tired? Here’s a crazy suggestion: have you tried sleeping? Even a ten-minute nap will do wonders for your energy levels. For long-term success, you need to get the proper amount of sleep every night. Some people need more, some less, but the conventional wisdom of eight hours of sleep each night is a good starting point.

I know, who has time to sleep? Do you even know anyone who gets eight hours of sleep per night? You’re more likely to know someone who brags about only getting four hours. An unfortunate byproduct of the modern lifestyle is this bizarre idea that proper sleep equals weakness.

This mentality is pure self-destructive madness. You need sleep. No energy-boosting product is a substitute. Caffeine doesn’t give you energy; it fools your body into not noticing how tired it is. All you’re doing is biding a little extra time that you’ll pay for later.

What’s your opinion about energy drinks? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and experiences with us.

The post Are Energy Drinks Bad for You? appeared first on Dr. Group's Healthy Living Articles.

from Robert Morgan Blog http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/are-energy-drinks-bad-for-you/