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arty-shadow-morningstar · 3 years ago

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Graveyard Siblings (7)

[Masterlist]

(Part 1)(Part 6)

Gina found out about Marinette about a year later.

Jason and Marinette were chilling and binging shows. Gina showed up unannounced to surprise Jason.

She nearly had a heart attack when she saw her supposedly dead ‘Little Fairy’ in the middle of a pillow fight with Jason.

“Uh...Surprise?”

Needless to say, Jason and Marinette had the lecture of their life after they sat her down and told her about Ladybug. (She already knew about Red Hood.)

“I am not mad at you, My Little Fairy. But why didn’t you tell me you were alive?”

“I.. er..forgot?” Maria tried hard not to wince.

“Well, at least I am the only one else who knows about you.”

“Yeah, About that…”

Good thing that they were in Gotham and Hawkmoth was out of commission.

Gina agreed to not let Tom and Sabine know about Marinette although she was mad that Marinette was actually killed and it was framed as suicide.

“It’s okay, Nonna. There are magic laws to deal out suitable punishments. They are paying for it.”

Jason looked at Maria with an incredulous look. Magic laws, my ass. (Technically, there are Miraculous laws and curses to deal out divine punishment on those who abuse the Miraculouses. Maria was just taking more creative liberties with Hawkmoth and everyone else involved.)

------

Never Have I Ever (Takes place a few weeks after Jason’s and Marinette’s trip from Paris)

“Never have I ever had to dig out of my own grave.” Tim said, pointedly looking at Jason.

“Damn you.” Jason took a shot nonetheless. He shot a look at Marinette. “You too.”

Marinette grumbled a bit but also took a shot.(I know that the American age limit is 21.)

“Wait, I thought you faked your death.”

“No. Not really. I actually did die. I went into that mansion, knowing it was a trap and that it was my one chance to get close to Hawkmoth and cast a spell that took away his miraculous. I am only here because there was a resurrection spell in the grimoire which I used as a back-up plan. Jason kidnapping me after I dug out of my own grave derailed it a bit.”

“The moment she crawled out of the dirt, I knew that I had to adopt her like B did for me. Best decision of my life.”

“That’s not what you said last week.”

“That was because you ate the last cookie.” “Well, I made them so I have the right to have the last cookie.”

Duke cut in, “Okay, okay. Stop, it’s my turn. Never have I ever met a rockstar.”

A few of them took a shot.

Marinette took a shot too, “I swear you guys are trying to get me drunk.”

“How?!”

“School stuff and we had jobs working at Chloe’s hotel. I was Jagged Stone’s gopher. I made him glasses shaped like the Eiffel Tower. Later, an album cover. Long story short, I became his personal designer/ honorary niece. Oh shit. I forgot to tell him. I knew I forgot something.”

TIm shouted in excitement after getting over his shock “Jagged Stone?! The rockstar, Jagged Stone?! The one with a pet crocodile, Jagged Stone?!. Oh Please, please, I have to meet him. So wait. Wait. That means that you are MDC. I mean was, since technically MDC is dead now. But it’s you. Wow.”

Tim had stars in his eyes or maybe it’s the alcohol.

“I am thinking of starting over with a new name. How does MT sound?”

“I will help. I mean, can I help? Your designs for his tours were amazing. Can I commission you? Then, I will be your first customer.” “Sure. But I will need some equipment. My parents took mine away and I will also need some materials and your measurements. Oh, where can I get some paper and a pencil?” Marinette rambled as she got up. The alcohol kicked in and she fell down.

Jason hugged her. “Easy. Easy. You can do it in the morning.”

“But I have some ideas. And I need to shop for stuff tomorrow. Can you drive me to the shopping district tomorrow?”

“Sure, Pixie. Come on. Let’s get you to bed.” Jason carried the now sleepy Marinette to her room.

“But what about the game?”

“You guys finish without us.” Jason replied as he left the living room they were playing in.

“She was a designer?”

“Yup. MDC. A pretty good one too. The jacket for Jagged’s last tour was awesome. He claims her as his honorary ‘niece’. They were pretty close too by the looks of it. Jagged even went on a break due to personal reasons. I bet that’s why.”

“Rockstar designer and superhero. Our new sister keeps surprising us more and more everyday.”

-----

There is of course temptation to use the Miraculous to help with crime and cases.

Bruce shut down the idea pretty early on and Maria agreed with his decision, stating that Miraculous are dangerous to be out in the open. Especially in a crime-ridden city and it would be best if no one knew that they were in Gotham.

The Kwamis were free to roam the manor and allowed to go with any of the Batfam as long as they informed Maria who they were going with. Alfred was happy to have some being as company and occasional help while the Waynes go about their day.

The Miraculous were used a total of 16 times in the past 3 years under special circumstances, including the Joker incident and rules were established after one memorable Easter.

They can only be used in life and death situations, mostly when facing new adversaries and threats.

Must have special approval of both Bruce and Maria to use one. (Behind Bruce’s back, the Miraculous are handed out like candy when the Bats want to play pranks on their fellow heroes. Bruce did use the Fox one time when Clark pissed him off and made the reporter think he had gone batty. And no one, except the Bats and maybe John Constantine, figured out the identity of the Tiger-themed costumed person who punched Superman out of the Solar System which took weeks for the Man of Steel to fly back and never to be seen again and why Batman looked too pleased with himself afterwards.)

Maria had threatened everyone to not lose them when the Miraculous were in their care and they know she has every intention of following through. Family or not.

Damian once went through every single trap Maria had set for the Miracle Box so he could wear every Miraculous after Maria told him about Kwami Buster.

He managed to wear 14 of them before he passed out and was later found by Dick, who was alerted by Wyazz about what Robin was up to.

Needless to say, Maria was not happy.

She and Lucius set better security for the Box and asked other magic users for help with the magic side of the security. The Batfam had a few fun attempts breaking into it. (Tim did not use the blueprints to the safe the Miracle box is in to better hide his coffee. And definitely not because Maria had given Alfred the key to originally hers his coffee box and he had been using it to empty out Tim’s stash every week.)

Bruce didn’t give any punishment to Damian, seeing as the boy wonder was sore and in pain all over from trying to wield all of the Miraculous was punishment enough and effectively benched until he recovered.

-----

(Possible OOC Bruce ahead. I hope I did him justice as fanon Bruce. This is set a few months after Maria starts living in the Manor. P.S: It’s a little angsty with some Tom and Sabine salt.)

Despite what everyone thinks, Bruce doesn’t hate magic. He just didn’t like magic. Like he keeps telling everyone, there’s a difference. He found its lack of logic and own set of warped rules unsettling. He knows when it is beyond his capabilities and calls in experts like John Constantine or Zatanna for help to deal with the arcane. But mostly, he didn’t want to deal with it.

The newest addition to the family, courtesy of Jason, was heavily involved in it which prompted everyone else, mostly Jason, to make sure he doesn’t drive the girl away. It did annoy him a little bit. Honestly, Duke was proof that he can make exceptions to his rules and he tolerates the other magic users of the Justice League. That however doesn’t satisfy his second son enough who had pulled his guns out and threatened him to not kick his ‘baby sister’ out of Gotham.

But that’s not what is important right now. He had gotten a not very severe injury with his last bout with Bane and it was thanks to Nightwing and Red Robin that he didn’t get anything worse. However, he was benched by Alfred and everyone else agreed so he was providing support and solving cases in the Batcave while Dick went out as Batman for the night. Babara was out with her father tonight so for the first time since her arrival, he was alone with Delphi aka Maria in the Batcave with Alfred periodically checking on him.

She was quiet, occasionally humming songs or muttering curses under her breath as she hacked into corporations to relay needed information. He has to admit that she was a fast learner, managing to decently hack past firewalls after a few months of tutoring from Oracle and Red Robin. He did have to help out a few times on particularly difficult companies with high security. It was a normal night in Gotham with a few lulls in activity. It was during one of those lulls that he first broke their comfortable silence.

“Are those your parents?” he asked, when he saw CCTV footage of a bakery she pulled up on one of the monitors. It was morning already in Paris with a couple bustling about and serving customers.

“Not anymore.” Her voice was thick as they watched the Asian woman at the register give a bright smile to the customer. A man as big as Bane carried a new batch of macarons to the front, cheer on his face. Perhaps it was looking at the happy couple that it struck him that the battle-hardened girl in front of him, had lived a normal life. An innocent bystander, painfully normal being a daughter of bakers, oblivious to a world of monsters, aliens and magic before being dragged into it by some madman hungry for power.

“You know, I thought that they would have cared more... After I...died. I mean they did raise me for 15 years and they should have... known me better. It hurts that...they had so little...faith in me.” Her voice was soft, nearly inaudible. Bruce wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or to herself.

She didn’t look away from the footage but he saw a tear made its way down her cheek.

“They did support me at first,.... did their best to help me but the…. rumours and the lies got too much and they started to doubt me. It didn’t help that I kept disappearing a lot and I was never where I said I was. I supposed that it was a little bit my fault that I was...too scared of the consequences of telling them that I was Ladybug. Soon, they saw me as the villain that Lila painted me as.”

Bruce was surprised at the amount of hatred at the name. He mentally noted the name to find out if it was related to what caused Maria to be this jaded. He had turned off the comms, in case she didn’t want the others, especially Jason being an overprotective big brother who would kill Bruce if he thought he made her cry, hear her long-overdue breakdown.

“I didn’t believe it when Chloe said that they didn’t even come to…. my funeral…. or visit my grave. Jason told me…. that they were going to…. sell all of my things…. if Nonna ….didn’t take them…. and put them…. in storage. The….worst thing... is that…. I still love them.... After all…. the terrible things….they said to me, I…. still love them and…. it... hurts so much to see… their looks towards me ….before I...left.”

She tried to hold in her tears and control her sobs but they escaped. Bruce felt awkward with what to do. He put his hand on her back and rubbed in gentle circles.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can let it all out. It’s okay to be sad. Um…Shoot. Dick is usually the one doing the comforting.” She lets out a small laugh.

He turned her chair around so their eyes met, her blue eyes gleaming from unshed tears. He put a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it, trying to give some sort of comfort.

“You did what you thought was best with a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders. You did your best to protect them. Sometimes, trying to protect the people you love can end up hurting them whether you meant to or not.”

She leaned towards him, careful of his wound and cried. It was like a dam had broken down. All the emotions that she had repressed for so long bursted out of her. Bruce hugged her and whispered words of comfort, things Alfred had told him after another nightmare as a child, until her sobs calmed down. He wasn’t an entirely emotionless man like so many had believed. He was just bad at showing them.

Comfortable silence settled between them, the bats above them squeaking and the sounds of the others talking over the comms, coming from the Bat-computer.

After a while, Bruce spoke.

“I lost my parents to a man desperate for money. I spent a lot of time raging at the world. I felt the same thing again when I lost Jason. I became Batman to fight against crime so no one else can feel what I felt that night in the alley, so no one has to hold their child in their arms, bloody and broken. It’s okay to feel mad at the world after you lost everything you love and care about. And I can promise you that it will get better. It might take a long time before the pain is gone. Some days, it’s a dull ache. Some days, it would be so hard to breathe. Just remember that it will get better and we will be here to help you get there. Jason definitely will. Dick too. The others will probably be as bad as comforting as me but they will still do it. Except maybe Damian. But the point is, we are here for you. Okay?”

He felt her nod. They stayed like that with Bruce occasionally reporting to the others when something was happening. Maria later joined in and thankfully, they didn’t comment on the occasional crack in her voice although Jason sounded like he wanted to know what had happened.

“So...It’s okay if you don’t want to answer now but why couldn’t you tell anyone about your identity? Wouldn’t it have been better if someone knew your identity and provided support? I had Alfred when I started out and the kids had me.” Bruce asked as he looked through CCTV footage of a break-in.

She lets out a small tired sigh, a sound not meant to come from a teenage girl, “It started with the previous Guardian, Master Fu. He made the rule of not telling anyone. It was later because Hawkmoth could akumatized anyone and anyone who knew could lead him to us directly and he might threaten our friends and family for the Miraculous. He already did it to someone who ‘claimed’ to be Ladybug. Then, there was an alternate timeline where Chat Noir, my partner, found out my identity and dated my civilian self to get close to me. It nearly ended in the destruction of the entire world.”

Bruce scowled at what Maria had been through. Jason had told them about Hawkmoth, the betrayal of her partner and how she died. But today proved that they had barely scratched the surface of her tragic past.

“Why did Hawkmoth want the Miraculous so bad?” He said it, partly to change the subject and partly to get more information on what happened in Paris.

“He wanted the Ladybug and the Black Cat. Combining the two of them would grant him a wish, one that could alter reality as he sees fit. There is a catch though because the universe demands balance, something equally devastating would occur to counteract it. From what the Kwamis told me, Atlantis sinking was one of the results of a wish made by the Miraculous.”

“It doesn’t look like he is paying for it.”

“Oh he will.” Her tone made it sound like a fact.

“How are you so certain?” “Because the universe is all about balance and I have been tasked to right the scales.” The sharp grin she wore mildly worried Bruce. Her previous statements of not killing anyone echoed in his head and he wondered if she was going to hold to that promise.

-----

(I actually suck at writing angst.)

(Part 8)

Taglist: @local-witch-of-mn, @ladyqnoirr, @lolieg, @istoleyourcookies, @pale-lady-dreamer, @ichigorose,

#mlb x dc #maribat #some tom and sabine salt #my best try at angst #ml x dc #maribat bruce wayne #siblings jasonette #graveyard siblings

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welcome-to-the-end-of-eras · 2 years ago

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I’m keeping a log of my thoughts whilst reading The Half Life of Valery K for the first time because I think it’ll be fun, enjoy (and, of course, beware the spoilers ahead):

- HE’S A NERD YOUR HONOUR HE HAS A LIL PET RAT!!! NAMED BORIS!!! BE STILL MY HEART-

- “…he wasn’t in the habit of looking gift rats in the mouth” MS PULLEY YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN WITH THE LOVABLE WEIRDO

- “…but lately he could feel his mind effervescing” ok Edward Cullen

- so he’s in a cold place losing his memories and forgetting how to think properly…inch resting… my theory brain is working overtime as you can tell (definitely gonna read this one back to myself and cringe at how stupid it sounds but that’s a problem for future me)

- STOP PLS HE GAVE HIS BUNKMATE BORIS TO HOLD BC HE DIDN’T WANT HIM TO BE ALONE THIS SWEET LITTLE MAN

- I am. 2 pages in. And I’m already in love with Valery. Finally, a pulleyverse main character who isn’t a cynical little prick off the bat. Not that I don’t love the others, but I’ve adopted Valery as my son so-

- Wait what’s this fucking tattoo, is it gonna be a good addition to my future pulleyverse sleeve??? (Edit: oh absolutely not that is a real life gang symbolism-)

- I would absolutely make a cigarette out of a cheese ad

- What or who tf is the Vory??? A gang??? A guard system??? Just one guard??? I’m intrigued. This is why Ms. Pulley’s use of paragraph indents is brilliant, because it actually DOES something; most contemporary authors I’ve read do it like every other page and it’s a pet peeve of mine

- Fun fact: my orchestra teacher all throughout high school lived in soviet Russia and served in their military for a while bc it was required by law, but he’s such a sweet guy and I can’t imagine him being as rough and ruthless as these fuckin guards, holy hell-

- WAIT IS VALERY ABOUT TO GO SUPER SAIYAN ON THIS BITCH OH F U C K YEAH

- Oh no he’s just doing mind tricks god damnit. Still, very cool he can keep his composure like that, very much like Joe could, and I really liked that about him so it’ll be cool to see in Valery

- THE WINTER KING THE WINTER KING THE WINTER KING THE W-

- THEORY BRAIN GOING ABSOLUTELY CRAZY RN!!!

- “But if someone complained about normal life, the overwhelming human instinct was to kick them in the head” if that isn’t me every day at work idk what is-

- I feel like the idea of the world and circumstances making a person “small” (to quote twofs) is a big thing with pulleyverse mc’s but it’s very interesting with Valery bc he seems the most optimistic about it. Idk, it’s just a funky lil thing I noticed, maybe I’ll make another post fleshing out my ideas about all four main characters at some point but for now I’ll leave it there

- Fucking FINALLY, a decent description of the mc off the bat!!! Only took 7 years-

- The specific lack of quotations around “Remember you like doing that, remember how satisfying it is when the ice breaks?” is so fucking interesting, it’s like someone else telling it to him instead of himself that, and it’s an odd place to have a break in the narration style unless it’s purposeful which of course it must be. That is another hallmark of Ms. Pulley’s writing that I just love, the way she can speak and create meaning in the style of the narration, it’s so unique to her works and so so s o fun to read

- Y’know it just dawned on me that Valery is very similar to Linus from The House in the Cerulean Sea

- Ooo chapter titles

- Nice and accurate portrayal of Russian driving skills (from someone who has been cut off while driving on multiple occasions by my Russian orchestra teacher)

- What in the fuckin dystopia is this town-

- Lord knows I am not Grace Carrow’s biggest fan, but her research in ether studies was the precursor to atomic theory, and I’m definitely going to feel like a proud mom if they mention the works of Dr. Carrow at any point in Valery’s research stuff. I have a love-hate relationship with her.

- “…something odd and dead about the lake” INCH. RESTING.

- I’m so intrigued by this dude and his sketchy past and I’m so glad it’s written this way but I’d pay serious money to figure out wtf is going on right this second

- I have a terrible habit of reading the last page of a book when I get antsy — which actually almost caused me to dnf the watchmaker the first time I read it — and I don’t wanna do that but it the urge is there

- Valery…buddy…the first thing you notice about a guy who may or may not kill you is the fact that he’s tall, dark, and handsome??? Really??? Yknow what he’s been in prison for 6 years he deserves it I’m gonna stop shitting on him

- THE LIGHTHOUSE??? I N C H . R E S T I N G .

- This man is autistic I’ve decided

- Pls let Elena and Ilenko be gfs I beg of you Ms. Pulley-

- Valery mathing in his head for a solid page and a half is both adorable and very helpful

- Damn okay Elena I was rooting for you a lil bit but clearly she knows something weird is going on and she’s just being a bitch about it (I’m getting defensive about her being passive aggressive to Valery excuse me)

- Call me crazy but like I’m 95% sure the scientists are also being experimented on. The cheese thing reminded me too much of feeding lab rats for good behaviour.

- I trust tf out of Ilenko now, she’s mean but she’s honest and I like it. Reminds me of Takiko.

- The room is bugged. I know it, you know it, we all know it. Bc they’re being experimented on. There’s no way they’re not.

- SHUT UP BC IF THEY’RE ACTUALLY HANDING OUT MORI’S WATCHES I’M GONNA CRY-

- Shenkov gives me very much Missouri Kite vibes. He clearly knows something more than he’s saying, and likely already has a soft spot for Valery somehow (which I do too but like. I’m reading inside his head so it’s a bit different)

- I’m seriously going to go insane with all the minute references to her other works. Like. It’s totally plausible that someone thinks of Peru first out of every South American country, but is it really a coincidence??? Really??? Especially after tlfop mentioned it so pointedly??? I’m gonna have to start wearing a tinfoil hat at some point.

- The fucking telescope thing I’m going to go nuts-

- Okay back on my comparing the pulleyverse mc’s bullshit, they all have a particular area of observational expertise, and Valery’s seems to be in logistics which is very fun

- Valery’s immediate switch from feeling safe and scared of it to being aware of imminent danger and comfortable with it will never not make me sad

- Why isn’t Ilenko there. Where is my girl.

- Finally in a time period where it’s normal-ish to recognise and call out racist shit hell yeah

- Absolutely love Valery and Shenkov’s dynamic so far, plus the way he interacts with the students is so fucking funny compared to how he interacts with everyone else

- I notice my observations getting less and less frequent the more I get wrapped up in this book, which is impressive considering I’m barely 70 pages in

- Am I crazy or do the radiated mice sound very similar to the people sent to New Bedlam??? Maybe the whole place was built specifically as a quarantine for radiation damage??? Inch. Resting. (definitely not true but a fun theory)

- DAMNIT THEY SHOT MY GIRL!!! FUCK!!! At least Elena is being less of a bitch

- He’s excited about his eyeball jar 🥺🥺🥺 and he is absolutely correct about the medical schools

- Ohoho his devious bastard side is showing now, immaculate

- “He loved children, but he knew he’d never have any” is this bc he’s queer or because of some sad secret medical thing??? Or both???

- …I’m sorry doctor W H O ? ? ? NOT THE FUCKING NAZI BLOOD PURIST WHO PERFORMED HORRIFYING GENETICS TESTS ON CHILDREN??? SURELY NOT??? RIGHT???

- This is…wow…I’m so glad Ms. Pulley made even the obvious bad guy recognise that human experiments and eugenics are inarguably awful but Jesus C h r i s t -

- “…he should not have trusted Shenkov to be above board purely because he thought the man was fascinating” sir you’re going to fall in love with him-

- HHHHHHHHH I LOVE THEMB

- Shenkov…buddy…stop being so incredibly endearing…istg…

- “He was in no state to cope with kindness” :(

- “He was going to have to avoid Shenkov as much as he could, at least until the triple shot had worn off” :((((((((((

- “…felt as though something Artic had come to look at him” ooo inch resting inch resting, very Winter King-esque

- Valery is such a genuinely nice dude who understands the reasons people do science I love him sm

- What is with these tattoos man I need descriptions!!! I wanna know!!!

- STOP PLS HE TELLS JOKES TO THE PEOPLE WHO BUGGED HIS ROOM THAT’S SO CUTE-

- God al-fucking-mighty I love this man. He really said “…don’t you find usually that the people who are most worried about seeming effeminate are the ones with a permanent Friday-evening appointment with a sailor?” I can’t-

- H e l l yeah Shenkov chapter!!! Oh wait no he had his ribs broken oh no-

- Wow there is some brilliant sensory descriptions from Shenkov, which is like. Oddly reminiscent of reading a chapter in Thaniel’s pov. I’m choosing to interpret this as him having sensory issues bc I think it’s fun, but either way it’s fantastic writing

- AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING WINTER KING, WHAT THE F U C K (also Shenkov and his kids are adorable)

- I am a big fan of Ms. Pulley making her female characters tough and morally grey as like a fuck you to the stereotypes but would it kill her to write a female character who isn’t borderline sociopathic??? Would it??? Bc I don’t know many people who can deal with 3 miscarriages, and potentially a fourth, and not feel any specific way about it

- “People think science is all specialists and expensive stuff, but it’s mostly made of kitchen rolls and fridge magnets and we just spray it black when anyone with a news crew turns up” absolutely love that

- Who tf is the medical doctor she seems cool af

- “I’m a funny harmless little science elf, people tell me things” F E L T

- Awweee cute winter-y description of Shenkov but ooo the “bonfires in the forest” thing is sus to me

- I like Nanya, she means business and doesn’t take any shit. T h a t ‘ s a good way to write a strong female character

- OH FUCK THE TRUTH ABOUT ELENA IS COMING OUT!!!

- He really said “I’m gonna be in prison for 10 years. Wanna play hangman?” Absolutely love this fucking nerd

- Oh my god I fucking love the octopus he’s so CUTE!!! And the way Valery just gets him bc he wants to!!! And the way the octopus is so protective of him!!! Ugh I adore him

- “How much more qualified do you want me to be?” GET HIS ASS VALERY!!! I’d pay serious money to see him interact with that phd guy he supposedly annihilated

- “Surely there were things even KGB agents didn’t want to hear.” MY GUY-

- I keep mistyping KGB as LGB and I think that is mildly hilarious

- Valery as a teacher is. Fantastic. Like genuinely such a good teacher. I know Ms. Pulley is a professor herself so I’m sure she’s a fantastic teacher too and that makes me happy

- …I may have misjudge Anna-

- I feel like if a pulleyverse man is going to be married to a woman (for more than like a day at least) she legally has to be the coolest person on the planet

- Oh my fucking g o d the gaslighting from Elena and the director is driving me NUTS

- I KNEW IT!!! I FUCKIN K N E W THOSE RANDOM “VOLCANIC” EXPLOSIONS WERE WEIRD!!! ANNA YOU BRILLIANT BASTARD!!! If she turns out to be a shitty person I WILL be crying myself to sleep

- Valera Valera Valera Valera Valera Valera Va-

- Brb putting my fOOT THROUGH THIS BOOK ISTG-

- THE ASYLUM??? UM???

- Very excited to add more to my analysis on asylums from that one post I made a bit ago even though I haven’t read the chapter yet, but I think it’s very cool that she’s adding that element into this book as well

- Every time the Winter King is mentioned/alluded to my ears perk up like a dog

- “My tools of the patriarchy are getting too long.” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Okay I got too wrapped up in the rest of it to finish this but final thoughts:

- I fucking. Love Valery. So much. He’s such a sweet little man but also a complete bastard who blows people up and it’s genuinely the best character combination I can think of

- Shenkov is a gentle giant and I would give him my first born in a heartbeat (bc he would take fantastic care of them)

- Sincerely misjudged Anna at first and I regret it sorely, she is perhaps my favourite side character in the whole book

- I love the ending as well, it wraps up in the same way twofs does; could be a happy enough ending, but with enough unfinished business to make a good transition into a sequel, and I would be absolutely thrilled to have a sequel

- All in all, fantastic book, 10/10, will absolutely be recommending it to anyone who will listen

#the half life of valery k #the half life of Valery k spoilers #natasha pulley #I had fun making this and I might just do it again for her next book

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raziroo · 4 years ago

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Cotton Candy

Pairing: Lotor x gn!reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Saying "Shit" twice

Word count: 2,076 (yay) (also, I edited this, I still need to update the word count)

Author’s Note: I'm crap at writing dialogues, and this is my first time writing for a gay couple. I'm so sorry if it seems forced or unnatural or shitty. Don't be afraid to call me out.

Story Moodboard!

It’s with a grunt of effort that I manage to lift the carton containing the cotton-candy-maker.

‘Here, dad,’ I say as my dad takes the box from my hands. ‘That’s all?’

‘Yep, that’s all of it. We’ll conquer this carnival with our delicious cotton candy,’ I nod, doing jazz hands while saying the last part. Dad chuckles. I grin.

‘Hey, Honey!’ I turn back, squinting to spot where my other dad is in the crowd of bustling people. Where, where…? Yep, there he is – in his embarrassingly brilliant sunshine yellow and bottle green striped shirt and hot pink trousers, a sharp contrast to his natural bright red hair. Don’t say that it can’t look that bright; you’ll never know just how blindingly bright bottle green can really be until you see the shirt my dad’s wearing. And trust me, he usually dresses in simpler tones; such bland tones that you’d be surprised to know he was capable of wearing colourful hues as well. It’s only that he’s very passionate about his job, and so whenever we set up a booth in fetes such as the current one, he never misses to match the shop logo.

‘Hul-lo, father dearest, how seems to go your day?’

‘Oh, quite lovely, if I do say so.’

‘Well, that’s simply charming –’

‘Alright, enough,’ my other, not redhead dad snaps with an exasperated sort of smile on his visage. You see, my not redhead, a.k.a. brown-haired dad happens to be British. And that means that me and dad would rather paint our teeth blue than to not tease him. ‘You both need to shut it and start helping me with the decorations, now. You know I’m trash at all that.’

‘Aw, now don’t get discouraged,’ I say, patting dad on the back. ‘After all, not everyone can be as blessed as me, can they?’

‘Hey, why don’t you go look around for a bit? You’ve been helping out since before I have.’

‘Yeah, he’s right, pet. You should.’

I huff, rubbing my palms on the fabric of my jeans. ‘You guys sure? I’m not tired, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

‘We’re not worried, we’re just saying you should also get a look, you know? There’s a lot of surprising booths this time around. I mean, there are aliens participating too, so…’

‘Hmm,’ I play with my bottom lip a little, then, ‘yeah, okay. I’ll be back in like, an hour? Forty five minutes? Sound okay?’

‘Sounds great.’

‘Bye, then.’ And with that, I turn on the heels of my Converse, wandering about the pretty stalls and eager children and kissy couples and aliens with curious features.

It really feels bizarre, just how astonishingly fast mankind has accepted the existence of aliens. It seems simultaneously ages and just a day before when conspiracy theorists raged all around the world, presenting baseless theories and concepts as to why and how the three-man squad on the Kerberos mission disappeared. Then came the Galra, bringing along with them global terror – because alien life, intelligent alien life existed and humanity remained oblivious all these millennia, and now they were actually attacking us. It could’ve been, perhaps even was, in some other dimension, the end of Earth. But then a defender appeared; Voltron appeared in all its glory, bringing along with it proof that however much these purple aliens claim that humans are scum of the universe, humans were, in the grand scheme of things, the ones that saved the universe too.

It feels even more puzzling to actually be on a first-name basis with the leader of Voltron; that’s right, I’m personally acquainted with Keith Kogane. It was around six months after him leaving the Garrison did I come across him. He’d been loitering around the neighbourhood, had ended up in a fistfight with some other kids, and along with that a split lip and bruised cheek. I’d been watching. When the fight ended, I (somehow) persuaded him to come along so that I could at the very least provide him with a band-aid.

Long story short, we’d bonded over how our moms were no-shows and how dads were the best and we became surprisingly close friends; the only difference was that after the death of his old man, he lived alone. I’d been adopted by my two current fathers. I told him about how when they’d initially adopted me, I was excruciatingly shy. I wouldn’t even come out of my room except meals. It was only when I came to know that they knew how to make candy floss had I timidly approached them if I could have some, because previously I’d always been grossed out at the thought of having to eat that. I’d overheard this group of kids saying that cotton candy was actually just dyed granny hair, so that’s where that came from.

I love cotton candy now. So much so, that even at the age of twenty-six, I will pout if someone takes some of mine without my permission. As if I’d ever allow them to.

Speaking of Keith, I haven’t seen him in years. We lost all contact when he turned eighteen, and then he went off into space, and even when he came back, I didn’t get a chance to meet him. I bear no ill will, though. He must have formed some close relationships. Our past friendship is comparatively much more trivial.

I spot a booth selling grilled corn. I instantly head there.

As I’m about join the crowd of humans and aliens who also want corn, a familiar call of my name leads me to pull a three sixty.

Lo and behold. Keith Kogane.

Despite him having obviously grown a lot, the face was still the same. I’m sure that, if he gets a split lip and bruise on his cheek right now, he won’t look all that different.

There’s a questioning hesitance on his features; he’s probably wondering if he’s got the right person. My pleasantly surprised smile and raised eyebrows assure him. As I step away from the grilled corn stall, I notice a motley crowd behind him; some are purple, some are holding Voltron plushies, and some look way too curious to be in a carnival. The introduction is going to be fun.

‘Keith! You're gonna live a hundred years - I was just thinking about you. But anyways, it’s – it’s great to see you,’ I say with a little giggle. ‘Though I am kind of surprised you actually approached me. The sixteen-year-old you would never.’

He smiles awkwardly in return. ‘Y – yeah… I, just… oh God, this is – I’m sorry,’ he says, his inner turmoil evident.

‘It’s all good. I know you’re shit at small talk, so… like, introduce me? Maybe?’

He nods rapidly, brows furrowed. ‘Yeah, um,’ he turns to the people behind him, telling them my name, how we met, the whole affair. I give them a wave. Most of them greet me back.

‘And, this is Shiro and Curtis,’ he points to the tall, white-haired yet young man, holding hands with a tanner guy, ‘Lance, Pidge and Hunk,’ he points to a lanky, bright-smiled guy, a buffer, kind-seeming person, and a short chestnut-haired woman who, despite wearing baggy jeans and a baggier tee, looks somehow better dressed than me. ‘Then that’s Allura, Coran, and Romelle, they’re Alteans,’ a woman with enchanting beauty and a regal aura surrounding her, a redhead who’s significantly older than the rest with an impressive moustache, and a youthful appearing girl with a big grin, ‘and Lotor, he’s Galran. The Galran Emperor, in fact.’ Lotor is a tall, lilac-skinned man with aristocratic features who shares the same cheek markings as the Alteans. Oh, and he’s unfairly gorgeous, his hair a luscious mane of white which I just know will be soft. It’s hard not to stare. You remember how I said Allura looked like royalty? Yeah, the way this man carries himself, he has the aura and visage of a God. Even in a white tee-shirt and jeans he looks way better than should be legal.

I rip my eyes away.

‘So…are Noah and Oliver here too? I’d love to see them. I mean, I never did get to thank them to permit a possible criminal to sleep in their house.’

I laugh. ‘Never mind that, but we actually sit up a stall here. I could, you know, maybe even get you guys something to eat.’

‘Free? Please don’t.’

‘It’s nothing, really, just… I don’t know, accept it as a small thank you present for not letting the planet go to shit.’

A bit of thinking. Even after a nod from Shiro, it was Lance who said yes. Good ol’ Keith.

When we reach the stall, my British dad is the only one we find there. He looks up, about to say something to me, when he notices Keith.

‘Dad. You remember Keith?’

‘Your possible criminal friend who turned out to be the saviour of the universe Keith?’

‘That Keith. He wanted to see you.’

‘Oh? Well then,’ he dusts his hands, stands up, and greets Keith. Both of them engage in a conversation.

‘You guys wanna try something?’

‘What do you got?’ asks Pidge.

‘What do we got? Um, we got chocolates, candy, marshmallows, jellybeans, tortilla chips, ice cream, popcorn – butter, cheese, caramel, peri peri – Lays, like, a lot of Lays, and the good old cotton candy. What d’you want?’

So, after providing the humans with two Cream n’ Onion Lays, a pack of tortilla chips, a double scoop of butterscotch and chocolate, a small tub of popcorn, and three cotton candy sticks, I turned to the aliens.

‘I’m assuming you guys aren’t familiar with a lot of this stuff, so you could either pick whatever looks to be good, ask your friends, or I could recommend something. What’ll it be?’

Romelle was the one who asked, ‘What’s ice cream like?’

‘It’s sweet. It’s cold. And it’s like… heaven in mouth.’

‘Ooh. I want an ice cream. The… pink one?’

‘That’s strawberry. You can eat it in a cone, or in a cup.

‘What’s the difference?’

‘Well, the cup you can’t eat. The cone is like a crispy biscuit,’ judging by her face, she didn’t know what biscuit was. ‘I’ll just give you a cone. It’s all on the house, so no worries if you don’t like it.’

I watched eagerly as she licked the ice cream. An unreadable look crossed her face. Then – ‘This is almost as good as Hunk’s cookies!’

‘Really?’ Coran asked, twirling his moustache. ‘Well, then…’ he squinted to read the names of the various flavours. ‘I would like “cookies and cream”. Yes.’ A cone of cookies n’ cream was served.

‘Allura?’

‘Do you have something that isn’t sweet?’ That was a plot twist. I’d have taken her as someone who appreciated sweeter foods.

‘We do. You want spicy?’

‘…Sure.’ Peri Peri popcorn was given and enjoyed.

And last… ‘Lotor. What would you like to have?’

It takes me a lot of will to not laugh at Lotor’s way too analytical expression. ‘What would you recommend?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Out of all this stuff, candy floss is my favourite.’

‘Candy floss… the item that looks simultaneously like a cloud and an old woman’s hair?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I would like a helping of candy floss, then.’

As I hand Lotor a stick of cotton candy, I wait with anticipation for his reaction.

‘How am I supposed to eat this?’

It takes me a moment to process that. ‘Uh, you just… pinch a little of the stuff in between your fingers, then eat it. Or you could just, um, go in directly, which I’m thinking isn’t really your style.’

He narrows his eyes, but follows my instructions nonetheless. Only a second after putting the stuff in his mouth, Lotor purrs.

Everyone around him, being me, Coran and Romelle (Allura’s off telling Lance how great Earth food is), looks with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. Lotor appears as if he’s just died inside. The berry-shaded blush on his face is adorable, though.

'I didn't, like, poison you or something, right?'

'No. It's that... I would never in my lifetimes have expected something so tooth-rottingly sweet to be this delicious.'

'So you're okay?'

‘Yes. In fact, I quite like… this cotton candy.’

I grin.

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the-storyteller-and-her-soldiers · 2 years ago

Text

GIRLFRIEND GUESSES MY F/OS!

Final Fantasy 15 Prompto: She thought was the prince, scrappy, lil brother energy of the group, really passionate about something like bikes, picks fights only he can win 'cause he also a bit of a coward! 2000s pop type

Ignis: She knew his name, and got him pretty spot on! Dad friend, book-smart, good at cooking, resourceful in the sense that he's got the mechanic number on hand, handles situations well but gets stressed beneath it all.

Gladio: Too tired to remember his name, knew it once I told her, mechanic type, big tiddie energy man, knew him as the guy I like, short-tempered in the sense he'll tell the others to STFU, protecc mode, big dog energy, handles situations but not always with tact!

Final Fantasy: Stranger of Paradise Jack: Thought he was Gladdy until closer inspection, thinks he's the 2nd in command, got a bit of an ego, talks big and could back it up but the superiors tell him to STFU... can have a bit of softness underneath but very underneath... Judgement

Masaharu Kaito: YAKUZA MAN, fun shirt, tuff and gruff type, responsible in the sense he's lived through and learned from his mistakes, energy of a Rick, definitely my type, big brother energy and responsible for others, drinks respect woman juice, kinda??? a himbo

Sugiuara: A PRETTY OLDER LADY! Totally the foil who scolds the protag-- wait, that's a dude? Oh! (shame ensues), Younger, 18, skater boi, doesn't connect with his dad fully, a bit cool

Higashi: His suit top says 'cool' his shirt says 'disco', casual-friend type, he fucks in general, suave type, he does good with kids but doesn't have his own, respects women

Mafuyu: Office worker, put-together or at least appears to be, friendly enough to do snack and drink runs if you pay your own way, sweet but doesn't have a good connection with others in the sense that she could use someone to vent her woes too and be the listener for once...

Takayuki Yagami: Tired, he needs sleep, yakuza life isn't for him, probably friends with someone in the yakuza, worried and is also Done(tm) with their yakuza friend doing dumb shit, likes gardening and small plants, owns either small dog or cat, get this man sleeeeeeep, didn't realize he was a crush of mine!

Ayabe: Poor dude, lost his job, get him a hairbrush, a better mattress, and a club soda, let him pet some puppies in the adoption center, wants to be a good friend but doesn't have the energy to handle your needs. (Me: He's a corrupt cop--) any weight I feel has been lifted and I no longer care!

Kuroiwa: He gets paid good but doesn't get much pussy, who ties their tie that tight, don't like him, looks like he's turning to say "Do you know who I am?"

Devil May Cry 4 Nero: Big sword, possibly compensating, edgy, shadow the hedgehog type, has a good soft heart, trying his best, will talk at you rather than with, he has no social skill, (old comment): "You're angst compatible!!"

Metal Gear Rising Raiden: SHE KNEW HIM, Couldn't remember his name, new name is Clasp, not comfy enough in his skin really, covers up insecurities by protecting and snarkiness, eyeshadow on fleek, tries to seem cool, is but also isn't

Sunny: Spunky, the kid with too much energy, no set schedule but works best that way, she came into her own as she grew up, quirky, but willing to work hard, also tries to help others when she can

Cobra Kai Robby: this is Robby right, bad boy, does crime, heart of gold underneath it all, would be happy to get a scar to show it off, sets off fireworks display without reading directions, parental issues

And I believe that's all I showed her for now! All of it is in good humor and only off what little she's seen and what I've told her... I love her and if you have any recommendations for her to 'judge' than please send em my way! Imma tag: @floweringforgetfulness @jellyfish-ships @ignited-lovers @disneymarina @promptoargentumsgirlfriend just because I mentioned their boys! Hope you don't mind!!

#selfship #selfshipdom #selfship community #self insert community #self shipping #fo community #f/o community #f/o content #f/o suggestions

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purselover2 · 4 years ago

Text

Title: Going Once, Going Twice…….

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: None that I can see, but please let me know if there are and I will add them.

This is for @amythedvdhoarder. Happy Hoelentine’s Day!!! I hope you like it. Its based off a picture I found of Seb and Hemsworth. I used my magic brain waves to turn them into Bucky and Thor and this is the result.

Mood board by the amazing @constantwriter85

❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜

As you stood backstage watching the other models get ready you found yourself wondering not for the first time why you were here. Surely there was someone who could have filled the spot left vacant when Maria got called away on an assignment. But no, they had come to you, said you had to, it was for the puppies and damn if you could ever resist helping puppies. Or the kitties, or any other animal. So that’s how you found yourself backstage getting stuffed into an evening gown that cost a small fortune getting your hair primped and your makeup caked on waiting to go on stage and walk down a runway, trip and fall more like it, to hopefully sell the high end clothes you wore to the highest bidder.

If that alone didn’t make you nervous there was the other part of the auction, the bidder got to take the model out on a date wearing said outfit. There was no way anyone was going to bid on you. You weren’t popular, not even an agent. You were the IT girl, you know the one no one pays attention too until something breaks.

“Hey y/n! You look amazing.” Nat said and she and Wanda joined you. “Don’t be nervous. You’re going to do fantastic.”

“Yes. This is going to be a great night. We’re going to save all the puppies!” Wanda was way too happy.

“Thats easy for you two to say. You have guaranteed bidders. No way are Bruce and Vision going to let you two go without bidding. I’m the one who’s gotta stand up there and hope for a pitty bid.” You said.

“I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit.” Wanda hugged you.

“Yeah, you never know, Mr. Right could be here tonight.” Nat agreed.

“Well lets hope he doesn’t get held up trying to find a parking space.” You joked. You made your way over the curtain and peaked out. There on the front row was the one person you never expected to see at a charity fashion show. Bucky Barnes sitting right next to Thor dressed like a million bucks. What the hell? Could this get any worse? It was bad enough to embarrass yourself in front of the other Avengers, but you at least taken comfort in knowing that the one Avenger you had a secret crush on, wouldn’t be there to witness your humiliation. But no, fate had other plans. There he was front and center sitting next to the fucking god of thunder who couldn’t hold a candle to Bucky in your book.

“Hey y/n.” The backstage coordinator announced. “You’re going to be the last one to walk okay?”

“Yeah sure.” You thought maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, maybe everyone would just leave after they bid and you wouldn’t have to even walk on. Walking over to the puppies and kitties that the rescue had brought to show off and hopefully get adopted you saw a white kitty that looked as nervous and out of place as you did. Bending over you picked it up and began to pet it.

“Well hey there little one, you look like you want to be here as much as I do.”

You saw Nat come back through the curtain and hand the puppy she took on stage over to a handler and you motioned for her. “How did you do?”

Taking her hands and smoothing them down her dress she shook her ass and replied. “A date with me cost the gentleman $5000.”

“Damn girl you go. Bruce is a lucky man.” You winked.

“Who said it was Banner?” She smiled.

“That smile.” You giggled. “Here comes Sharon. I’m guessing she took some of Cap’s social security check tonight.”

“Those age jokes never get old.” Nat laughed. “Hey Sharon, how much did grandpa spend?”

“$5000!” She yelled. “He got into a bidding war with some guy from the Pentagon. Apparently Steve doesn’t like to loose.” She chuckled.

“Great a bidding war.” You held the kitty tighter as you stroked its fur.

“Y/N! You’re up.” The handler bellowed.

“You go girl!” Nat said pushing you forward. Wanda high fived you and Sharron patted you on the shoulder.

You stood just to the left of the stage and waited for the MC to announce you.

“And now ladies and gentlemen, its time for our final model. Please welcome to the stage Ms. Y/F/N, Y/L/N!

The curtain parted and you took the first step, then another then you realized that with the lights in your eyes you couldn’t see anyone in the audience. This was perfect. You’d just pretend you were out for a walk holding a cat and everything would be fine. You had already during rehearsal counted the number of steps to the end of the runway. You’d walk down, stop, let them get a good look at the dress and the cat and turn around, walk back and not see a single face. Especially Bucky’s.

You counted the steps and reached the end. Stopping you made a point of petting the kitty and it nuzzled your face and tried to curl up closer to you, taking a pink tipped paw and placing it on your lips drawing an awe from the audience and a few chuckles. You took the moment to snuggle him some more and then hold him out for everyone to see. Finally you turned and walked back down the stage to the MC.

Once you reached him, you stopped and stood waiting for the torture to begin.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, lets start the bidding shall we. Do I hear an opening bid?”

You braced yourself expecting to hear silence, when out of the crowd you heard a familiar voice yell, “$1000!” This was a dream. There was no way Bucky Barnes was bidding a $1000 to take you out.

“I have $1000, do I hear $2000?” The MC continued

“$2000!” Came a voice from the other side of the stage. Squinting you could just make out the smirk on Brock Rumlow’s face. Great. He had asked you out a couple of times and you had politely tuned him down. He gave you the creeps in a major way and you didn’t want within ten feet of him.

“I have $2000, do I hear $3000?”

“$3000.” Came Bucky’s reply.

“$4000.” Brock countered without even waiting on the MC.

“$5000.” Bucky returned.

“Well it looks like we have quite the bidding war here tonight ladies and gentlemen.” The MC was obviously unable to contain his excitement. “I have $5000, do I hear $6000?”

“$7000!” Brock yelled.

“The bidding stands at $7000, do I hear $8000?” The MC asked. You couldn’t believe this.

“$10,000!” Bucky yelled louder and you almost hit the floor. Holy shit, ten thousand dollars. That was going to go a long way to help the puppies and the kitties. In your arm your new fury friend must have sensed your nerves because he again started rubbing your face. Taking your hand and rubbing his ears, you waited.

“$10,000 ladies and gentlemen! This is indeed a record setting bid. Do I hear another bid?” He motioned to Brock, who took a moment before shaking his head no and you released the breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Relief that you wouldn’t have to endure a night with Brock Rumlow, only to relize that it meant you’d be enduring a night with Bucky Barnes. Even if it was a different kind of enduring.

The crowd went crazy as the grand total for the evening was announced and you made your way back stage, where Wanda, Sharon and Nat were all waiting for you.

“Oh my god girl!” Wanda exclaimed.

“And here you were worried about no one bidding.” Nat teased you.

“I’m so excited for you.” Sharon replied. “I swear to God though if Rumlow had won I would have insisted on a double date so that you didn’t have to be alone with him. That guy is major creep.”

“I was scared there for a while. But damn, how did that even happen? Why in the world would Bucky Barnes ever want to go out with me?” You shook your head at the thought, not noticing the girls looking over your shoulder as someone approached.

“Well doll, I can give you about ten thousand reasons if you really want to know.” You heard Bucky say from behind you.

Turning around you saw him standing there with the other Avengers as they came to collect the other ladies. As each couple paired off and made their way to the door you suddenly found yourself alone with Bucky. You still had the cat in your arms and he was sleeping contently.

“Hi Bucky.” You smile at him. “Thank you for not letting Rumlow win.”

“You’re welcome, but if you think that’s the only reason I did this, then I have some making up to do.” Bucky walked closer to you and used his flesh finger to stroke the cat on top of the head.

“Making up to do?” You asked.

“Yeah, I thought you knew that I wanted to ask you out.” He explained.

“Uh you did?”

“Yeah. I just never thought you’d go. So Thor talked me in to coming tonight and taking my chances. His thought was that if you had to go out with me, it would give me a chance to show you what a great guy I am, his words not mine, and that I could woo you.” Bucky chuckled at the last part.

“Woo me?” You giggled. “Well, I appreciate the effort to impress me, but you could have saved yourself some money and just asked me out the old fashioned way. I would have said yes.”

“Yeah?” He looks at you.

“Yeah.” You answer. “BUT now that you’ve told me about this mighty plan you and the god of thunder have cooked up, I’m wanting to see it play out.” You move to walk towards the handler to give the cat back. “Let me just give this little guy back and we can go.”

“No need.” Bucky tells you and you look at him. “I adopted him. He’s obviously a very smart fellow for picking you to cuddle up to. I only hope he can teach me his moves so that I can get some cuddles.” Bucky took him from your arms so you could find your coat and bag.

“Cuddles, Sargent Barnes come AFTER the proper wooing, not before.” You replied as you walked off.

“Well then let the wooing commence.” He said following after you.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #happyhoelentines2021 #bucky x reader fluff #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes valentine exchange

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snake-rot · 4 years ago

Note

(EXCLAIMING)

(ORCHESTRA MUSIC BLARING)

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTING)

(MYSTICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHS)

Sweet home Alabama

Where the skies are so blue

WOMAN: Excuse me, sir, is there a commode?

Sweet home Alabama

(GRUNTING)

Lord, I'm coming home to you

(GRUNTS) Justin!

Quick, honey, take my picture. I got the pyramid in my hand.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Yeah

Justin, you get back here right now!

No, stop!

GUARD 1: No, no, no! Stop him! GUARD 2: Go back! Don't climb!

(JUSTIN IMITATING AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)

Wait, wait.

Hold on. Easy, little boy.

Okay, stop, child! Stop right there. No!

(GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no! Oh! There he goes.

(GASPS)

Justin!

I've got him! I've got him!

(JUSTIN GRUNTS)

(AIR ESCAPING)

Outrage in Egypt tonight as it was discovered

that the Great Pyramid of Giza had been stolen

and replaced by a giant inflatable replica.

There is panic throughout the globe as countries and citizens

try to protect their beloved landmarks.

Law enforcement still has no leads,

leaving everyone to wonder, which of the world's villains

is responsible for this heinous crime?

And where will he strike next?

Gru: Freeze ray! Freeze ray! Freeze ray! [laughs evilly] Fred: Morning, Gru! How you doing? Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard, and I don't appreciate it. Fred: Sorry. You know dogs. They go wherever they wanna go. Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although, it is true. Anyway, have a good one. Fred: Okay. Yeah. Steamrolling whatever Gru: [groans] You've got to be pulling on my leg! Margo: Hello! Cookies for sale. Gru: Go away. I'm not home. Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you. Gru: [gasps] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording. Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't. Gru: Yes, it is. [o.s.] Watch this. Leave a message, beep. [Edith kicks the door] Gru: Ow! Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message. Margo: [o.s.] Agnes, come on. Gru: Huh? [screams] Kyle! Bad dog! No! No, no. Sit. My muffin. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Ah, Dr. Nefario. Dr. Nefario: I know how you must be feeling. I, too, have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you will always be one of the greats. Gru: What? What happened? Dr. Nefario: It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid. They're saying he makes all other villains look... lame. pause Gru: Assemble the minions! [throws Kyle off of his arm] Minions, assemble! Minion: Okay. Okay. Hey! Gru: Looking good, Kevin! How is the family? Good? All right. That's my Billy boy! What up, Larry? Hello, everybody! Yeah, all right! Simmer down. Simmer down! Thank you, okay. Now, I realize that you guys probably heard about this other villain who stole the pyramids. Apparently, it's a big deal. People are calling it the crime of the century and stuff like that. But am I upset? No, I am not! A little, but we have had a pretty good year ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book. Minion: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Gru: No, no raises! You're not going to get any raises. What did we do? Well, we stole the Times Square JumboTron! Nice! That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching football on that, huh? But that's not all. We stole the Statue of Liberty, the small one from Las Vegas. And I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower! Also Vegas. Okay, I wasn't going to tell you about this yet, but I have been working on something very big! Something that will blow this pyramid thing out of the water! And thanks to the efforts of my good friend Dr. Nefario... Dr. Nefario: Thank you! Gru: There he is. He's stylin'. Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the 'true crime of the century. We are going to steal... The Minions all pull out their weapons in response. Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet. One of the Minions, Dave, shoots his rocket launcher at a crowd of Minions. Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please! Dave: Ditto. One of the Minions Dave shot walks over to him and punches him on the shoulder. Gru: Next, we are going to steal, pause for effect, the moon! The Minions cheer in response. Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back! And I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. [picks up his phone] Yes? Dr. Nefario: Hello, Gru? I've been crunching some numbers, and I really don't see how we can afford this. It can't be done. I'm not a miracle worker. Gru:Hey, chillax. I'll just get another loan from the bank. They love me! Margo: Edith, stop it! Edith: What? I'm just walking. Girls: Hi, Miss Hattie. We're back. Miss Hattie: Hello, girls! Agnes: Anybody come to adopt us while we were out? Miss Hattie: Hmm... Let me think. No! Edith immediately puts a mud pie on Miss Hattie's desk, much to her displeasure. Miss Hattie: Edith! What did you put on my desk? Edith: A mud pie. Miss Hattie: [sighs] You're never gonna get adopted, Edith. You know that, don't you? Edith: Yeah, I know. Miss Hattie: Good. So, how did it go, girls? Did we meet our quotas? Margo: Hmm... Sorta. We sold 43 mini-mints, 30 choco-swirlies and 18 coco-nutties. Miss Hattie: [gets up] Okay.

Well, you say that like it's a great sale day. [furious] Look at my face! Do you still think it's a great sale day? Edith rolls her eyes in response. Miss Hattie: [hangs up a portrait] Eighteen coco-nutties. I think we can do a little better than that, don't you? Yeah. We wouldn't want to spend the weekend in the Box of Shame, would we? No. Girls: No, Miss Hattie. Miss Hattie: Okay, good. Off you go. Go clean something of mine. Girls: Hi, Penny. Penny: Hi, guys. Gru: Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but... Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful? [laughs] Gru: Just so you know, Mom, I am about to do something that's very, very big, very important. When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud. Gru's Mom: Ha! [sarcastically] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here. [hangs up the phone before sending her karate instructor flying] Gru: Gru to see Mr Perkins Receptionist: Yes, please have a seat. Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Young Gru: Ma, someday I'm going to go to the moon. Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, Son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys any more. Vector: Hey. I'm applying for a new villain loan. Go by the name of Vector. It's a mathematical term, a quantity represented by an arrow, with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, 'cause I'm committing crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh, yeah! Check out my new weapon. Piranha gun! Oh, yes! Fires live piranhas. Ever seen one before? No, you haven't. I invented it. Do you want a demonstration? Shoot! So difficult, sometimes, to get the piranha back inside of my... Receptionist: Mr Gru, Mr Perkins will see you now. Gru: So, all I need is money from the bank to build a rocket. And then, the moon is ours. Perkins: Wow! Well, very nice presentation. I'd like to see this shrink ray. Gru: Absolutely! Will do. Soon as I have it. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money? Gru: Apparently. Perkins: Do you have any idea of the capital that this bank has invested in you, Gru? With far too few of your sinister plots actually turning a profit. How can I put it? Let's say this apple is you. If we don't start getting our money back... Get the picture? Look, Gru, the point is, there are a lot of new villains out there, younger than you, hungrier than you, younger than you. Like that young fellow out there named Vector. He just stole a pyramid! Gru: I've got it. I've got it. So, as far as getting money for the rocket... Perkins: Get the shrink ray, then we'll talk. Minion: Suckers! Suckers! Gru: We got it! What? Hey! Hey! What! Hey! No, no, no! You! Vectors: Now, maybe you'll think twice before you freeze someone's head! So long, Gru! Gru: Quick! We can't let him get away! Up ahead! Up ahead! Fire! Fire, now! Vector: You missed me! Gru: Come to papa! Take that. Vector: How adorable. Gru: Got you in our sights! Like taking candy from a... What? Vector: Hey, Gru! Try this on for size! Gru: That's weird. What is going... This is claustrophobic! No, no, no! Too small! This is too small for me! [groans] I hate that guy. Margo: ...and please watch over us, and bless that we'll have a good night's sleep. Edith: And bless that while we're sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains. Margo: Great. Thanks for that image, Edith. Agnes: And please bless that someone will adopt us soon, and that the mommy and daddy will be nice and have a pet unicorn. Amen. Margo/Edith: Amen. Agnes: Unicorns, I love them Unicorns, I love them Uni, uni, unicorns I love them Uni, unicorns, I could pet one If they were really real And they are So, I bought one so I could pet it Now it loves me Now I love it Gru: Don't you... What the... Good luck, little girls! Edith: Whoa! Cool. Margo: Hi! We're orphans from Miss Hattie's Home for Girls. Vector: I don't care. Beat it! Margo: Come on! We're selling

cookies so, you know, we can have a better future. Vector: Wait, wait! Do you have coco-nutties? Margo: Yeah. Gru: Light bulb. Dr Nefario! I'm going to need a dozen tiny robots disguised as cookies! Dr. Nefario: What? Gru: Cookie robots! Dr. Nefario: Who is this? - Gru: Oh, forget it. Mrs. Hattie: Well, it appears you have cleared our background check, Dr Gru. And I see you have made a list of some of your personal achievements. Thank you for that. I love reading. And I see you have been given the Medal of Honor and a knighthood. - Minions: Me, me, me. Me, me, me. Minion: Kevin? Mrs. Hattie: You had your own cooking show and you can hold your breath for 30 seconds? It's not that impressive. Minion: Idiot! - Minions: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Mrs Hattie: What in the name of... What? Gru: Well, here's the dealio. Things have been so lonely since my wife, Debbie, passed on. It's like my heart is a tooth, and it's got a cavity that can only be filled with children. I'm sorry. You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish? Mrs. Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish? Gru: You have a face como un burro. Mrs. Hattie: Well, thank you! Gru: Anyway, can we proceed with this adoption? So, so excited! Mrs. Hattie: Please tell Margo, Edith and Agnes to come to the lobby. Margo: I bet the mom is beautiful! Edith: I bet the daddy's eyes sparkle. Agnes: I bet their house is made of Gummi Bears. [Edith and Margo look at her curiously] I'm just saying it'd be nice. [picks up a Cheeto] Aww. My caterpillar never turned into a butterfly. Edith: That's a Cheeto. Agnes: Oh... [eats said Cheeto, making Edith and Margo recoil in disgust] Miss Hattie: Well, Debbie was a very lucky woman. [pause] Gru: Who's Debbie? Mrs Hattie: Your wife. Hi, girls! Girls, I want you to meet Mr Gru. He's going to adopt you. And he's a dentist! Agnes: Yeah! Margo: Hi. I'm Margo. This is Edith. And that's Agnes. Agnes: [sing-song] I got your leg, I got your leg! Gru: Okay, that is enough, little girl. Let go of my leg. Come on. You can do it. Agnes: Higher! Higher! Gru: Just release your grip. Wow! How do you remove them? Is there a command? Some nonstick spray? Crowbar? [sighs] Okay, girls, let's go. [They drove off in the distance.]Vector: Uh-huh! Oh, yeah! Pretty impressive! What are you looking at? Boo-ya! You got shrunk, tiny mouthwash! Take that! You done been shrunk! (His phone rings) Yello? I got the shrink ray, all right. No, I'm not playing with it. Gru? Don't make me laugh! No. P.S., he is not getting the moon, and P.P.S., by the time I'm done with him, he's gonna be begging for mercy. (Shrinks a toilet) Okay, bye. (Hangs up) Look at you, a little tiny toilet for a little tiny baby to... [The toilet pops out and water sprays him.]Vector: Curse you, tiny toilet! [Gru and the Girls arrive at Gru's Home.] Gru: "Okay, here we are. Home sweet home. Margo: So... This is, like, your house? [realizing] Wait a sec... You're the guy who pretended he was a recorded message! Gru: No, that was someone else. [Margo gives a skeptical look before she, Edith and Agnes enter Gru's house, with Gru following suite.] Agnes: [scared] Can I hold your hand? Gru: Uh... No. Edith: [looks around] When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this'd be more like "Annie". Gru: No, hey! [screams] Kyle, these are not treats. These are guests. Girls, this is Kyle, my... Dog. Kyle snarls in anger. Agnes: Ooh! Fluffy doggy! [approaches Kyle before he runs away, much to her disappointment] Margo: What kind of dog is that? Gru: He is a... I don't know. Margo: Do you really think that this is an appropriate place for little kids? 'Cause, uh... It's not. [Edith sees a closet that is sharp and goes in it.] Gru: No! No! Stay away from there! It's frag... [He sees juice spilling on the floor.]Both: (Gasps) Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two. Edith: [muffled] Hey! It's dark in here. [Gru opens the iron maiden, revealing Edith, who spits out a straw]Edith: It poked a hole in my juice box. [They went to the

kitchen.] Gru: As you can see, I have provided everything a child might need. All right. Okay. As I was saying... (Edith knocked a bottle down) Gru: (Cont'd) Hey! Oh. Edith: Somebody broke that. Gru: "Okay, okay. Clearly, we need to set some rules. Rule number one. You will not touch anything. Margo: Uh-huh. What about the floor? Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor. Margo: What about the air? Gru: Yes, you may touch the air! Edith: (Gets out a laser gun) What about this? Gru: (Screams) Where did you get that? Edith: [shrugs] Found it. Gru: Okay. Rule number two. You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three. You will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart! So, no, no, no annoying sounds. All right? Agnes: Does this count as annoying? [popping] Gru: Very! [sighs] I will see you in six hours. Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right? Agnes? Gru: Question. What are these? Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots! Boogie! Look at this. Watch me! Gru: Cookie robots. I said cookie robots. Why are you so old? Dr. Nefario: Okay. I'm on it. Margo: Hello? Agnes: TV! Margo: What is that? Edith: Whoa! That is cool! Come on! Agnes: I don't think he's a dentist.Dr. Nefario: We've been working on this for a while. It's a anti-gravity serum. I meant to close that. He'll be all right, I'm sure. Gru: Do the effects wear off? Dr. Nefario: So far, no. No, they don't. And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered. Gru: No, no. I said "dart gun," not... Okay. Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering under what circumstances would we use this? But, anyway. What I really wanted to show you was this. Gru: Now those are cookie robots! Agnes: La, la, la, la I love unicorns Gru: What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the kitchen! Margo: We got bored. What is this place? Edith: Can I drink this? Dr. Nefario: Do you want to explode? [Edith kicks him in the shin] Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Get back in the kitchen! Agnes: Will you play with us? Gru: No. Agnes: Why? Gru: Because I'm busy. Margo: [scoffs] Doing what? Gru: Umm... Okay, okay, you got me. The dentist thing is more of a hobby. In real life, I am a spy. And it is top secret, and you may not tell anybody, because if you do... Edith: What does this do? [She fires a laser and it hits Agnes's unicorn and it burns to ashes]Gru: Hey! Edith: Whoops. Agnes: My unicorn! You have to fix it. Gru: Fix it? Look, it has been disintegrated. By definition, it cannot be fixed. [Agnes gasps in shock, then starts holding her breath] Gru: That's freaking me out. What is she doing? Margo: She's gonna hold her breath until she gets a new one. Gru: [sighs] It is just a toy. Now stop it! (Agnes faints) Gru: Okay, okay! I'll fix it! Tim! Mark! Phil! This is very important. You have to get the little girl a new unicorn toy. Gru: Hey, hey, hey! A toy! Go, and hurry! What are those? Gru: They are my... Cousins. Jerry! Stuart! Watch them and keep them away from me please. [The three minions put on a disguise and head to the store.]Minions: Wow!- Wow! [Meanwhile the two minions and the girls are tossing toilet paper at each other. Gru comes up and he sees the Girls and the two minions having fun.]Edith: It was your cousin's idea. Jerry: What? Gru: Okay, bedtime. Girls: Aww... Minions: Aww... Gru: Not you two! Minions: Yay. Gru: Okey-dokey. Beddie-bye. All tucked in. Sweet dreams. Margo: Just so you know, you're never gonna be my dad. Gru: I think I can live with that. Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs? Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn. Edith: "Cool." Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?" Gru: No. Agnes: But we can't go to sleep without a bedtime story. Gru: Well, then it's going to be a long night for you, isn't it? So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because there are literally thousands of them. And there's probably something in your closet. Margo: He's just kidding, Agnes. Agnes: It's beautiful. Gru: Girls, let's go.

Time to deliver the cookies! Margo: Okay. But first, we're going to dance class. Gru: Actually, we're going to have to skip the dance class today. Margo: Actually, we can't skip the dance class today. We have a big recital coming up. We're doing an excerpt from Swan Lake. Agnes: Yeah, Swan Lake! Gru: That's fantastic. Wonderful. But we're going to deliver cookies! Come on! Margo: No. Gru: No? Margo: We're not going to deliver cookies until we do dance class. Really? Gru: Well, I am not driving you to dance class. So if you want to go, you are going to have to walk yourselves. What are you doing? Margo: Walking to dance class. Gru: Ya? Okay, fine. You just keep walking, because I'm really not driving you! Margo: Okay. Gru: You're going to suffer the wrath of Gru! Seriously, I'm going to count to three! And you had better be in this car! Here we go! One! Two! Teacher: ...three, four and five. And lift, and stretch. And one, and two... Agnes: Here you go. Gru: What is it? Agnes: Your ticket to the dance recital. You are coming, right? Gru: Of course, of course. I have pins and needles that I'm sitting on. Agnes: Pinkie promise? Gru: Oh, yes. My pinkie promises. All right. Our first customer is a man named Vector. Margo: But he's a V. You know, we're supposed to start with the A's. Then we go to the B's. Then we... Gru: Yes, yes! I went to kindergarten. I know how the alphabet works! I was just thinking that it might be nice to deliver Mr Vector's first. That is all. Almost over. It's almost over. Vector: Girls, welcome back to the fortress of Vector-tude! Do you have my cookies for me? Margo: Four boxes of mini-mints, two toffee totes, two caramel clumpies and fifteen boxes of coco-nutties. Vector: Exactly. I'd like to see somebody else order that many cookies. Not likely. Name one person who ordered more cookies than me. Margo: That'll be $52. Vector: Right. Seven, eight, nine... Tic Tacs! Where was I? Seven, eight, nine... Agnes: Why are you wearing pyjamas? Vector: These aren't pyjamas! This is a warm-up suit. Edith: What are you warming up for? Vector: Stuff. Agnes: What sort of stuff? Vector: Super-cool stuff you wouldn't understand. Agnes: Like sleeping? Vector: They are not pyjamas! Here you go, 52 big ones. Bye! Gru: Come on! Vector: What the...? Quiet down, fish. Down, boy!Gru: [laughs] We did it! Come on, girls, let's go! Margo: But what about the other people who ordered cookies? Gru: Life is full of disappointments... For some people. [chuckles ominously] Agnes: (Screams) Gru: Don't do that! Agnes: Super Silly Fun Land! Can we go? Please? Gru: No. Edith: But we've never been. And it's the funnest place on earth! Gru: "Don't care." Girls: Please? Please? We'll never ask for anything else, ever again! Pretty please? Please? Come on! Come on! Gru: "Light bulb." Edith: Come on! Gru: "Goodbye, have fun. [He began to leave. But a attendant of the roller coaster stopped him.]Carnival Ride Worker: Sorry, dude. They can't ride without an adult. Gru: What? [groans] [Soon Gru gets sick from the roller coaster ride.]Agnes: Oh, my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! Margo: You've gotta let us play for it! Gru: No, no, no. Agnes: Come on! Gru: How much for the fluffy unicorn?Carnival Barker: Well, it is not for sale. But all you gotta do to win it is knock down that little spaceship there. It's easy! Agnes: Yay! Again! Margo: Wait! Edith: Come on. One more time! Agnes: Just one more. I accidentally closed my eyes. I hit it! I hit it! Edith: That was cool. Awww. Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.Carnival Barker: Hey, buddy, let me explain something to you. You see that little tin spaceship? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Somebody's got a frowny face. Boo! Better luck next time! Gru: Okay, my turn. [Gru uses a fire gun and it blows up the whole booth.]Gru: "Knocked over!" Agnes: It's so fluffy! Yeah! Margo: That was

awesome! Edith: You blew up the whole thing! Agnes: Let's go. Let's try another game!Dr. Nefario: Gru, do you mind if I have a quick word? Gru: Okay, girls, go play. I got the shrink ray! Cotton candy! Dr. Nefario: We have 12 days until the moon is in optimum position. We can't afford any distractions! Gru: Get me Perkins. Sorry to bother you, Mr Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! Mr. Perkins: What? Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.Gru: Now, the rest of the plan is simple. I fly to the moon. I shrink the moon. I grab the moon. I sit on the toi-let. What? (girls start laughing) Sorry. Sorry! Could you excuse me for just one second? I told you not to touch my things. I told you, I told you. I've told you a thousand times. Margo: Hey, can we order pizza? Gru: Pizza? You just had lunch. Edith: Not now, for dinner. Gru: Dinner? Just... Fine, fine, fine, whatever. Just get back in there! Margo: Can we get stuffed crust? Agnes and Jerry: Stuffed crust!Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust! Agnes: [giggles] You're funny! Gru: Just don't come out of that room again! All right. Sorry about that. Where were we? Mr. Perkins: You were sitting on the toilet. Gru: No, no, no! No, I'm sorry. It was a little attempt at humor. I know how much you like to laugh... [Mr. Perkins glares at him] Inside. Eh, now, I was saying... [the door suddenly opens] You don't seem terribly focused, Gru. Believe me, I am completely focused. Right? Edith: Hello! Mr. Perkins: What? Edith: That guy is huge! Agnes: Are we on TV? Mr. Perkins: What are those? Children?Gru: What are you doing? I told you to stay out of here! No, no, no! *Agnes: Freeze ray!Mr. Perkins: Mr Gru? Gru: Okay. As I was saying... Mr. Perkins: No need to continue. I've seen quite enough. Gru: But my plan... Mr. Perkins: Is a great plan. I love everything about your plan, except for one thing. You. Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! Look, Mom, I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! Look, Mom, I made a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype! Gru: I don't understand. Mr. Perkins: Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a... Well, a younger villain. Gru: But I... Mr. Perkins: It's over. Goodbye, Gru. Gru: Now, I know there have been some rumours going around that the bank is no longer funding us. Well, I am here to put those rumours to rest. They are true. In terms of money, we have no money. So how will we get to the moon? The answer is clear. We won't. We are doomed. Now would probably be a good time to look for other employment options. I know. I have fired up my resume as I suggest that all of you do, as well. What is it? Can't you see that I am in the middle of a pep talk? Yes! Yes, we will build our own rocket using this and whatever else we can find! Grab everything! Hit the junkyards! Take apart the cars! Who needs the bank? Let's go. Let's go! Mom! What are you doing here? Gru's Mom: And here he is in the bathtub. Look at his little buns. Gru: Mom. Not cool. Gru's Mom: And here, he's all dressed up in his Sunday best. Margo: He looks like a girl! Gru's Mom: Yes, he does. An ugly girl! Agnes: You're funny! Edith: Yes! Mine's shaped like a dead guy! Receptionist: Mr. Perkins, your son is here. Mr. Perkins: Send him in. Vector: Hey, Dad. You wanted to see me? Mr. Perkins: Yes, I did, Victor. - Vector: I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector! Mr. Perkins: Sit down. Do you know where the shrink ray is? Vector: Duh! Back at my place. Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? That's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that looks exactly like it! Vector: What the...?! Those girls sold me cookies! Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be? I give you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you just blow it! Vector: No, I didn't. Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?Vector: You just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon. Squid-launcher! Oh, yeah! Man:

There's a squid on my face!Vector: Don't worry. The moon is as good as ours. Gru: Come on now, it's bedtime. Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell. You did not! Put on your PGs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! Edith: But we're not tired! Gru: Well, I am tired. Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story? [pause] Gru: No. Agnes: Pretty please? Gru: The physical appearance of the "please" makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. Edith: But we can't. We're all hyper! Margo: And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you. All night long. Gru: [sighs] Fine. All right, all right. Sleepy Kittens. Sleepy Kittens? What are these? Agnes: Puppets. You use them when you tell the story. Gru: Okay, let's get this over with. "Three little kittens loved to play, they had fun in the sun all day. "Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed."' Wow! This is garbage. You actually like this? Agnes: Keep reading! Edith: Come on! Gru: All right, all right, all right. "Three little kittens started to bawl, "'Mommy, we're not tired at all.' "Their mother smiled and said with a purr, "'Fine, but at least you should brush your fur."' Edith: Now you brush the fur. Gru: This is literature? A 2-year-old could have written this. All right. "Three little kittens with fur all brushed "said, 'We can't sleep, we feel too rushed! ' "Their mother replied, with a voice like silk, "'Fine, but at least you should drink your milk."' Agnes: Now make them drink the milk. Gru: I don't like this book. This is going on forever. "Three little kittens, with milk all gone, rubbed their eyes and started to yawn. "'We can't sleep, we can't even try.' Then their mother sang a lullaby. "'Good night kittens, close your eyes. Sleep in peace until you rise. "'Though while you sleep, we are apart, "'your mommy loves you with all her heart."' The end. Okay, good night. Agnes: Wait! Gru: What? Agnes: What about good night kisses? Gru: No, no. There will be no kissing or hugging or kissing. Margo: He is not gonna kiss us good night, Agnes. Agnes: I like him. He's nice.Edith: [turns off her light] But scary. Like Santa! Dr. Nefario: Only 48 hours till the launch, and all systems are go. Gru: About that, I was thinking that maybe we could move the date of the heist. Dr. Nefario: Please tell me this is not as a result of the girls' dance recital, is it? Gru: No, no, no! The recital? Don't... That's stupid! I just think it's kind of weird to do it on a Saturday. I was thinking, maybe a heist is a Tuesday thing, right? Dr. Nefario: Gru, you and I have been working on this for years. It's everything we've dreamed of. Your chance to make history, become the man who stole the moon! But these girls are becoming a major distraction! They need to go. If you don't do something about it, then I will. Gru: I understand. Dr. Nefario: Good. Minion: Butt. Butt. Butt. Gru: All right. Now, when we put our cups together, we will make the "clink" sound with our mouths. Ready? Edith? Gru: and Edith: Clink. Gru: There we go. And now we drink. And Agnes? Gru and Agnes: Clink. Gru: Very good! Excuse me, girls. Girls: Come on! Gru: Don't worry, I'll be back. Keep clinking. - Clink, clink. - Clink, clink.Gru: Miss Hattie, what are you doing here? Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I received a call that you wanted to return them. [Gru gives her a quizzical look] And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary. [swats Gru's head with the dictionary] I didn't like what you said. Gru: But... I will get the girls ready. Agnes: Don't let her take us, Mr. Gru! Tell her you wanna keep us. Mrs. Hattie: All right, girls. Come on, let's go. Margo: Goodbye, Mr. Gru. Thanks for everything. Dr. Nefario: I did it for your own good. Come on, let's go get that moon. Gru: Right. What is this for? The recital? I am the greatest criminal mind of the century. I don't go to little girls' dance recitals! Dr. Nefario: Opening launch bay

doors. Commencing launch sequence. And we are good to go in T minus 10 seconds. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... Vector: Oh, yeah! Gru: Nice work, Doctor. All systems go. Vector: Boo-ya! My flight suit. Oh, yeah! Once again, the mighty... Gru: I've got it! I've got the moon! I've got the moon. I can make it. Dr. Nefario: Wait a minute! Jerry: Kevin! Gru: Come on! Come on! Agnes: He's still not here. Margo: Why would he come? He gave us up. Agnes: But he pinkie promised! Teacher: Girls, girls, places. Edith: No, we can't start yet! We're still expecting someone. Agnes: Can we just wait a few more minutes? Teacher: All right. But just a few more minutes. Margo: He's not coming, guys. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru, can you hear me? Quick, we have to warn him, and fast!Gru: Okay, okay. There's the library. That's Third Street. The dance studio... There! There! There it is! Janitor: Sorry, buddy. Show's over.Gru: Over? Gru: Vector, open up! Vector: First give me the moon. Then we'll talk. Agnes: Mr. Gru! Vector: Zip it, Happy Meal. Gru: Now, the girls. Vector: Actually, I think I'll hold on to them a little while longer. Gru: No! Vector: Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! Gru: Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain! Vector: [laughs sarcastically] I'm really scared. Agnes: He is gonna kick your butt. Vector: What? He punched my shark! Dr. Nefario: There he is! Hang on, Gru. Oh, no! Gru: Vector has the girls. Go! Dr. Nefario: What happened to the ship? It's big again! Not as big as the moon is going to be! Gru: What? Dr. Nefario: The larger the mass of an object, the quicker the effects of the shrink ray wear off! I call it the Nefario Principle. I just came up with it now, actually. Gru: Oh, no! Margo: Did you see that? Girls: Vector! Help! Vector! Over here! Vector: Hey! What are you girls doing back there? Girls: The moon! Watch out! Vector: Ouch! Gru: Get as close in as you can. You got it. Margo: Mr Gru, up here! Agnes and Edith: Mr Gru! Gru: Okay, girls! Girls! You're going to have to jump. Edith: Jump? Are you insane? Gru: Don't worry, I will catch you. Margo: You gave us back! Gru: I know, I know. And it is the worst mistake I ever made. But you have to jump now. Margo: It'll be okay. Gru: Okay, girls. Margo: Jump now! Gru: Margo, I will catch you. And I will never let you go again. Vector: Not so fast! Gru: No! Margo: Let me go! Gru: Margo! I'm coming, Margo. Hang on! I got you.Vector: No! Oh, poop. News Reporter: This time, good triumphs, and the moon has been returned to its rightful place in the sky. But once again, law enforcement is baffled, leaving everyone to wonder, who is this mysterious hero? And what will he do next? Gru: Okay, girls. Time for bed. Edith: Come on! We want a story. Agnes: Three sleepy kittens! Gru: Oh, no! Sorry. That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. Tonight we are going to read a new book. This one is called One Big Unicorn by... Who wrote this? Me! I wrote it. Look, it's a puppet book! Here, watch this. That's the horn! Agnes: This is gonna be the best book ever! Gru: Not to pat myself on the back, but, yes, it probably will be. Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free "thought he was happy as he could be. "Then three little kittens came around "and turned his whole life upside down." Edith: Hey, that one looks like me! Gru: No, what are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. "They made him laugh. "They made him cry. "He never should have said goodbye. "And now he knows he could never part "from those three little kittens "that changed his heart. "The end." Okay, all right. Good night. Margo: I love you. Gru: I love you, too. No, no! All right. Didn't I get you already? They're very good! Gru's Mom: I'm so proud of you, Son. You've turned out to be a great parent! Just like me. Maybe even better. Gru: No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no! THE END Hey, Carl! Hey. No, no, no. Me, me, me. John? No, no. Me, me, me. Oh,

poop. Oh, no! Stop! Stop! Hello, I am Gru. Back to work, back to work! Back to…

IS THIS THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCRIPT?

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lemonlushff-iy · 3 years ago

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What's the dirtiest thing you've written that you never expected to write?

WIP. I'll finish it one day. Warning - it may present as Dub Con at first...but if I ever finish it, you will see that it's actually NOT. But...It feels worth adding this disclaimer regardless.

“Password?”

“Irish car bomb.”

Inuyasha watched as the metal slot slammed shut and the heavy grey door swung open, revealing the dark interior beyond the snake demon guarding the entrance. The air was thick with cigarette smoke, and he could see it swirling in plumes from where he stood on the threshold.

The snake moved to the side, his yellow eyes narrowing when Inuyasha didn’t enter. He didn’t want to go in, but he didn’t have much of a fucking choice, did he? Thanks for that, Miroku and Sesshomaru.

“You coming or what, half breed?”

Not because he wanted to…

“Yeah,” he sighed, running his fingers through his shaggy hair before finally crossing the threshold into hell. It was dingy. Dirty. He was amazed he could smell the tang of sex in the air over all the cigarette smoke, but the further he walked down the barely lit hallway, the more that gave way to other scents.

Sex. Drugs. Alcohol.

It made his skin crawl.

“What am I getting myself into,” he sighed, slowly descending the stairs he found at the end of the hallway until he reached the club itself. Sweaty bodies ground together on the dance floor and lasers flashed down on the gyrating bodies from above, illuminating their flesh as they moved together.

He wasn’t interested in them, however. He was after something else.

His eyes swept over the crowd, and if he were self-conscious enough, he would have felt out of place there. His simple red button-down and jeans made him feel like a boy scout compared to the way the tight and short clothing fit all of these other patrons. If he wanted to blend in and find his adopted brother, he was going to have to change that a little.

He undid the first few buttons of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves, hoping that made him look a bit more like the typical clientele of the joint. No one was bothering him though, so he figured he was on the right path at least.

Inuyasha’s eyes swept the crowd as he looked for the backroom or a VIP area...Anywhere this “gang leader” could be hanging out. He didn’t know much about him. Just that he needed to find “Silver” to work things out. He couldn’t lose Shippo.

The guys were dumb, but they didn’t deserve to be held captive here or forced into this gang.

He spotted something in the back of the club that looked like a VIP section - rope and curtains included. There was a small gathering of women...all dressed in club clothing and looking far too beautiful to be related to this gang as anything more than arm candy...but...He knew they were his destination. If he were looking to find someone named Silver, they just felt like the people to ask.

His ears pinned themselves down to his head as he began to weave his way through the throng of bodies on the dance floor. He felt hands trying to pull him into dancing - palming his chest and upper body as he walked, and he shrugged them off as best he could. He needed to stay focused - he couldn’t afford any distractions. He had come this far, and he wasn’t about to lose his way now.

A flash of silver hair out of the corner of his eye drew his attention to a shirtless waiter wearing a pair of black pants and matching suspenders. A white shirt collar hung around his neck, serving as the base for a black tie, and matching white cuffs stood out against his wrists.

Sesshomaru.

His golden eyes were nervous as he brought the women their drinks, placing it on the table before a woman with black, wavy hair and silver eyes. She wore a short, low cut, silver sequin dress, and a red smile on her face that made his heart skip a beat and his breath catch in his throat.

She was stunning. Mysterious. Sensual. He wanted to bend her over the table and fuck her raw then and there, but he couldn’t. He was on a mission and he couldn’t stray from his task. It was too important to him.

Now that he was closer, he could see the danger in her. The beauty that was nothing more than a front for the many mysteries she held within. He wanted to know what they were. She seemed powerful and not to be trifled with, but he didn’t care. He needed to know everything about her.

Was...he wrong?

Was she Silver?

He swallowed the thought, and his stomach dropped as she reached out and grabbed ahold of his brother’s tie, running her hands up it until she held the base at Sesshomaru’s throat. She gave it a sharp tug, making him fall forward and almost into her lap. He caught himself on the back of her chair, his palms slamming against it with what would have been a loud slap if the music wasn’t blaring overhead.

Inuyasha watched “Silver” smirk and tilt her head up, whispering something to Sesshomaru, and Inuyasha could see his brother’s Adam's apple bob at her words. He nodded his head, murmuring a response before she slid her fingers into his hair and brought his ear to her lips. He couldn’t discern what they were talking about, but it was making his stomach knot. He knew he needed to get to them, and now.

“SESSHOMARU!” He bellowed, cupping his hands around his mouth in an attempt to make his voice carry, but it was just drowned out. He wasn’t going to get their attention this way. He no longer cared about blending in. He shoved his way through the crowd, disgruntled patrons shooting him glares and yelling “hey!” and “Watch it asshole!” as he went until he was standing in front of the VIP area.

“Sesshomaru!” he yelled, and “Silver” broke away from his brother in annoyance, her eyes warming slightly as she took him in. He felt her gaze roam up his body, taking in every inch of him. Weighing him. Judging him. Calculating the situation.

“You know this man, Pet?” she demanded, and Inuyasha knew in that moment that he was right. This was “Silver”, alright.

“I’m his brother,” Inuyasha replied before Sesshomaru could. “I’m here for him, and I’m not leaving without him.”

Silver’s red lips widened into a smile as she reclined in her chair, propping her chin on a relaxed, curled fist.

“Really? The dog has a half breed for a brother?”

Inuyasha did his best to contain his growl, but Silver could still hear it, if the way her smile widened was any indicator.

“Do you know why he’s here, oh brother of his?”

“I do.”

“Then you know that he’s not just walking out of here,” she informed him curtly, her eyes roaming up and down his body again. He noticed that the other women beside her were doing the same, and he noticed for the first time that all of the women there were appraising him. One of the women beside her leaned in to whisper something to Silver, and he watched the long, thick lashes around her eyes lower as she listened.

“Mmmm...Already ahead of you, Kikyo,” he heard her reply, and this response seemed to please Kikyo greatly.

“I don’t care,” Inuyasha replied, trying to ignore the exchange between the women, but it was hard. He had a feeling it was about him, and it made him nervous. “He’s not staying here with you.”

“Sesshomaru has a debt to be paid,” she calmly informed him. “Now, I can’t just...overlook this, nor can I overlook his transgressions...Do you understand what I mean?”

Paid. Money. Alright. He could do this. It would be hard...but he’d figure out something.

“Ok. How much?”

The women around him laughed, and he suddenly got the impression that perhaps it wasn’t monetary.

“What is your name, ‘brother’,” Silver demanded, and he swallowed. She was far too calm for his taste.

He saw Sesshomaru open his mouth, perhaps to reply on his behalf, but a wind demoness with a high ponytail and magenta eyeshadow pulled him down to her seat. He watched his brother situate himself in her lap, allowing her to run her fingers down his suspenders. His chest. His pectorals. She circled his nipples, flicking them and scraping his nails against them, and all the while, Sesshomaru said nothing - allowing her to have her way with his body however she saw fit.

“Inuyasha,” he whispered, unable to remove his eyes from his brother. Sesshomaru wouldn’t meet his gaze. He looked like he actually enjoyed the demoness’s attention, but he wasn’t going to dwell on that now.

“Inuyasha,” Silver purred, her smile widening. “An interesting and yet fitting name,” she commented offhandedly as her eyes flicked to the top of his head, and he found himself looking away from her. He didn’t need or want the reminder right now.

“Parents had a sense of humor, but enough about me. I wanna talk money. What’s it gonna take, Silver?”

“He thinks I’m Silver,” she laughed, her head tilting back as she let out a full-bodied laugh. He didn’t get what was so fucking funny, and frankly, he was starting to get annoyed. “Oh Inuyasha,” she breathed. “I’m not Silver...but your brother is mine. You’re right about that.”

“Yeah? Then who has my brother?” he demanded as she leaned forward to take a glass of red liquid from the table. The movement lowered the neckline of her dress, allowing him to see more of her breasts than he previously could, and he felt his desire for her flare.

“Well. That depends...I’m inclined to release your brother to you, Inuyasha. But, seeing as his debt needs to be paid, what you call me depends on what you’re willing to do to obtain him. Now, there is an easy way and a hard way we can do this,” she informed him, lifting her hand and two other women stood - one with short, shoulder length hair and a sight black dress that clung to every curve of her body. The other wore a black mesh catsuit with solid black cut outs that prevented you from seeing anything, yet told you that she had forgone both a bra and panties that night. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail that still reached her waist, and pink eyeshadow. They moved to the sides of the VIP area, drawing the curtains around them shut to give them some privacy as they spoke.

It muffled the music significantly, enough that his ears were able to rise up from his skull, but not enough that he could no longer hear it or feel the base in his chest. Or maybe that was just the pounding of his heart he felt. Nerves. It had to be nerves.

“Alright. What’s the easy way?” he pressed, and the women who had just closed the curtain came up behind him, running their hands up and down his chest and back in a way that allowed him to connect the dots even before the woman in silver purred.

“Satisfy my whims and desires for the night, and he’s yours.”

Her eyes were dark. Salacious. Filled with desires that were impossible to mistake.

“Just the night,” he demanded, shifting his eyes away from the silver clad vixen and back to his brother.

“Please me, and yes. Just the night. You’ll take his place and do everything that I ask, and obey me fully and completely. When I say jump, you say…”

He swallowed thickly.

“How high,” he finished, his voice a hoarse whisper.

“Very good...yes…” she approved, and a thousand images of her naked body entwined with his entered his mind at her praise. Images that left his heart racing and his blood heating in want. He could feel his cock twitch in excitement at the thought of bending her over the table and making her his.

“What’s the hard way?” he continued, trying to dispel the thoughts and refocus his attention. It was an obligatory ask, though he knew he had his answer.

“The hard way...Well...Let’s just say that it involves obtaining something not exactly...legally. Are you interested?”

Not particularly. No.

“Easy way it is,” he chuckled nervously, as the woman holding Sesshomaru leaned down to kiss him. At the same moment, one of the women holding Inuyasha slipped her hand inside his shirt, making his breath hitch as she palmed his pectoral muscle.

He hoped he wasn’t making a mistake.

“In that case...You may call me Mistress.”

He swallowed and felt the women on either side of him begin to unbutton his shirt. He could feel their fingers working each button through the holes in the fabric, the warm air of the club kissing his skin as the front of his chest was slowly exposed to Mistress and her friends. Despite the heat in the room, he could still feel his skin pucker and a shiver run through him as the woman with the shorter hair leaned forward and kissed his neck. His shoulder. Slid her fingers across his own nipples. He tried not to panic. This was what he had agreed to, and Mistress seemed to expect the way her friend was touching him.

It almost looked like she welcomed it and took pleasure in it. In watching the little show her friends were putting on.

“How does he taste, Yura?” she asked, and he felt Yura nip his shoulder before soothing the offended flesh with her tongue.

“Delicious. You’re lucky you get this one all to yourself.”

“Later,” Mistress mused as the other woman with the high ponytail pushed his open shirt down his shoulders before her mouth was on him as well. Licking, sucking, palming his flesh...He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself focused.

“Sango?” Mistress pressed, and her friend reached down to the front of his pants, palming him.

“Very lucky indeed…”

“Sesshomaru,” Mistress, cooed, and Inuyasha watched his brother stand to kneel before her. “Give your brother your clothes,” she demanded, and Inuyasha felt the women’s hands working on his belt.

“Yes, Mistress,” he replied, rising once more and working on removing his own clothing, or lack thereof. He placed each item onto the table before the woman in silver, until he stood before them clad in nothing more than his birthday suit.

Inuyasha closed his eyes as he felt his boxer briefs being pushed down to his ankles, and he fought the urge to cover himself. What was the point? They’d all see him in all his “glory” before the night was over. He held his hands down to his side, clenching and unclenching his fists and watched as Mistress's smile widened as she took him in.

“Sesshomaru, perhaps I should have traded you a long time ago for your brother…”

Sesshomaru’s didn’t respond, nor did he.

He toed off his socks and shoes, not needing to be told to. He knew what was coming next. He didn’t need them to verbalize their demands. He bent down to pick up the cuffs first, knowing the women wanted a show, and Sango tilted her head to the side.

“He has a nice ass,” she commented, slapping it and making him straighten his back abruptly. “Nice and firm.”

“Really,” Kikyo drawled, shifting in her chair. “Do try and contain yourselves. The entertainment hasn’t even begun yet.”

“Mmmm…” Mistress agreed. “But...we have all night, ladies. Sango?” Mistress intoned, tilting her head to the side, and she begrudgingly returned to her seat. “You too,” she continued, narrowing her eyes at Yura and she reluctantly left his side as well.

He took that as his cue to keep dressing, and when he was finished, he stood at attention, waiting for her to tell him to do something.

“Pet...This area is a mess,” Mistress informed him. “Clean it and return...And while you’re there, ask the bartender for ‘Kagome’s Kit’. He will know what you mean.”

“Yes, Mistress,” he ground out picking up all of the empty bottles and glasses. When he slipped out behind the curtain he sighed, trying to wrap his head around what the hell had just happened to him in there.

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spiltscribbles · 4 years ago

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You're doing prompts! Yesss you have no idea how happy that makes me cause I love you're writing so so so much its so amazing soo yayyyyyy 🥳🥳 can I request prompt 32? Things you said I wouldn't understand. Maybe some wolfstar? I'm just a slut for your fics so I would probably die if you wrote this. Even if you don't that's fine I never wanna pressure you soo yeah love you 💕💕

~Notes: Gorgeous, this message is literally so fucking kind and I am absolutely SOBBING!!!! You are such a fucking gorgeous soul! And this means the galaxy! And I’m sorry! This screams angst, but I had a really really fucking awful day, so I just wanted to escape with some fluff :( But if you want me to redo I promise I will! Or you can send me another prompt and I’ll write angst! I adore you!!!

A Reblog Is Worth A Thousand Stars » Send Me A Prompt » Things You Said That I Couldn’t Understand

Sirius realizes on an ordinary Tuesday morning as he spills the chocolate chips into the batter of the first batch of flapjacks, that he and his husband of over a decade haven’t had a date night for three months.

Three! Ruddy! Months!

THat’s completely not on! especially considering that now that the twins have entered their terrible twos they’ve barely had any energy at all to go beyond furtive hand jobs and messy kisses in almost just as long. Sirius misses his bloody husband damn it!

“Daddy?” Angelica asks with owlish eyes from where she and her younger brother, Teddy, are standing on either side of him with their expectant plates in hand. “You look peaky.”

“Like you’re gonna puke,” Teddy tacks on helpfully, his ordinarily tawny curls turning a putrid shade of green just to emphasize his point. And Sirius silently reminds himself to tell Tonks off for teaching his kid such rude gestures once she gets back from her honeymoon with that Muggle bird of hers.

“Oi, you guys are going to make your old man feel like he’s the Hogwarts squid if you keep on.” Sirius tells them with a soft tug on Angelica’s ponytail and a cluck of a tongue directed towards his son.

“You’re father’s probably still just getting use to the time difference after getting back from the states.”

Sirius straightens up— pulse spiking in that way it always has around Remus ever since they had first begun to go out as fifth years— and spots him padding into the kitchen, beautifully sleep rumpled and cradling a babbling Maeve in one arm, while her twin, Matthew, toddles along side them with a meaty thumb in his mouth. Though he immediately begins sprinting towards Sirius once realizing that he’s finally home from teaching those Americans the newly enhanced defense tactics that the British Aurors have been utilizing to successful degrees.

“THere’s my Matty,” he crows, lifting him up in the air and blowing a raspberry into his belly while the toddler squawks with glee.

“Daddy home! Daddy! Daddy!”

“And he brings with him enough noise to rival the frog choir,” Remus notes absently.

Sirius waggles his tongue over at him, heart stuttering when he watches the morning sun spilling through the wide partition and unspooling golden in Remus’s hair. “You need it, gorgeous, considering you couldn’t wake up to your own ruddy alarm.”

Remus smiles in that abashed way that’s always been more devious than most give him credit for, “It’s the seventh year Ravenclaws, I think they will actually end up giving me an aneurism with how much extra they write in the essays.”

“Alas, I’m too pretty to be a widow,” Sirius sighs, tossing Matthew up in the air once more and cradling him into his arm before walking over to Remus and dipping down to kiss the corner of his mouth. “I’ve missed you.”

“You could’ve woken me up you know,” Remus mumbles, shifting from foot to foot while sliding Maeve into her high chair. “The moon’s not til tomorrow night.”

Sirius ducks his head, scratching the back of it with appropriate diffidence. “I just didn’t want to disturb you, love.”

Remus doesn’t catch his eye as he begins to walk over to the counter and brings the other portions of the meal to the table, lips pinched and shoulders stiff. “I’m not a total invalid, Sirius. I could welcome my husband home after a week apart.”

“What’s that mean, Tad?” Teddy asks, oblivious to the undercurrent of hurt in his father’s tone and energetic as always while scrambling into his own seat around the breakfast nook, wide eyes glowing with that easy mirth that Sirius is thankful every day his children can feel without any lingering ghosts. “A, erm— In—valvid."

“It means your Tad’s a bit brassed off at me, Ted.” Sirius answers for him, affecting a light hearted cadence. "And that I better get round to finishing up breakfast or else he’ll give me that stiff upper lip of his.”

Remus pins him with a glare from over his shoulder while Sirius sets Matthew into his own seat besides his sister, but his features are softened and Sirius knows that it means he’s close to being forgiven.

“Daddy can I have blueberries in mine,” Angelica asks as he returns to the oven.

“Course, jellybean,” Sirius answers, adopting the pet name that Hope had called her granddaughter ever since they had brought her back from the hospital eight years ago. Sirius loved it even more once finding out that it was actually a reference to some sort of Muggle treat that Remus use to eat by the handfuls as a lad.

“OmyChocomydadzee,” Ted yells towards them with a wedge of cheese in his mouth before sticking his fork into the plate of sliced fruit so to waggle it in front of a giggling Maeve.

“Sorry, son, I don’t understand trollish. Or is that some sort of highly advanced Metamorphmagus language that your Aunty Dora has been teaching you on the sly that we lowly, ordinary wizards couldn’t possibly understand?”

Teddy rolls his bright eyes with a huff, swallowing down pointedly before speaking again. “Only chocolate in mine, just like Tad!”

“Manners, Ted, remember please and thank yous.” Remus says, long suffering as he eases down into his own seat and sips from the mug of coffee that Sirius had already prepared for him. “Though yes, I’d like mine to be chocolate too, Sirius, if you’re taking orders.”

Sirius grins indulgently at them before peering down to his eldest. “Angie darling, what shall we do with their teeth once they fall out from all that sugar?”

Angelica laughs glowingly, and Sirius brushes back her chestnut bangs with a reverent hand.”The snow warlock outdoors could use it since he’s only got a carrot nose after Matty ate the chocolate frogs we were s’pose to use for his smile.”

“Brilliant!”

After they’ve all eaten, Teddy and Angelica race outside to await the Potters amidst shouts of “Shut your trap,” from a peeved off Teddy every time Angelica taunts him over his crush on Effie, and the twins dig into their toy chest in the living room while Sirius and Remus spell away the mess that always ensues after a meal with the Lupin-Blacks.

“Andromeda wants us to bring the Christmas pudding this year,” Remus idly tells Sirius while he enchants the dishes to begin washing themselves with a graceful flick of his wand. Remus ordinarily prefers cleaning them by hand, so Sirius has an inkling that the impending full moon has already begun aching in his bones. Merlin’s saggy bollocks does he wish this new, experimental potion would just escape the bureaucracy of the Ministry so that the man who is his other half could at least have a small relief.

“Is that along with the wine and fresh cranberry sauce she’s asked for?” Sirius says, saddling up behind Remus, bending slightly so to nuzzle his nose along the hollow of his long neck.

“Mmm, she thought you might say that, and wanted to kindly remind you that she carried a set of twins for us when she was forty even though we promised that Ted would be the last sprog.”

“Pff, as if I’d let potter outdo us.”

“We definitely didn’t let that happen,” Remus snorts. “The twins and Pip will surely be the next generation Marauders, God save Minerva.”

“Exactly!” Sirius sneers, locking his arms around Remus’s torso. “Besides ’s not like it’s our fault Meda’s bloody eggs decided on a two for one deal.”

Remus stifles a laugh, leaning back into the embrace and setting his hand over Sirius’s where he’s begun thumbing small circles against his abdomen. “Yes, well if you’d like to have that argument with her?”

“Oh, she’s full of it. I know that the twins are her favorites, spoils them rotten I tell you Moons.”

“Well it’s hard not to with such cute faces,” Remus says, turning his head slightly so to peer over at the pair of them through the doorway. Maeve is munching on the leg of her barbie and Matthew is clashing together pieces of two completely contradictory puzzles. Sirius swears that his chest might implode with the love he feels for his chaotic, little family.

“Course they’re cute, Moons,” he says loftily instead of the incredibly sappy emotions that are flooding his insides. “They’re are kids, cute is in the genes.”

“Cocky bastard,” Remus snorts before turning around in his arms and kissing him full on the mouth. And yes, the sight of Remus curled around the latest essay he’s meant to be marking up with the baby monitor for the twins’s room clutched in his left fist, was an absolute heavenly sight, but Sirius thinks this more hands on approach is a much more appropriate welcome after dealing with an ocean between them and six nights apart.

“Mmm, does this mean I’m not in the dog house anymore?” Sirius asks hopefully, trailing a path of kisses along Remus’s jawline and stopping at the hinge where it meets his neck so to suck only slightly, reveling in the beautifully familiar taste of his husband.

“You were never in the dog house you daft mutt,” Remus reproves in a voice that could’ve been caustic if it weren’t for his words going breathy half way through and his hands clutching tightly onto Sirius’s shoulders. “’S just— Just… Nothing.”

Sirius feels his stomach twist, pulling off of him with a scowl set on his face, and refusing for Remus to just brush this aside, the way he’s always want to do instead of talking about anything that actually might be hurting him. Like he’s afraid that his sodding feelings are somehow a burden, the self-possessed bastard.

“Tell me,” he intones, brooking no arguments while he gently takes Remus’s face in hand so he can’t look away.

His gorgeous features twist up, indignant and mulish, but they relax almost just as quickly, a defense tactic that’s melt away almost completely after so long of being intwined with one another in the most intimate of ways.

“Sirius, there was a time that you could hardly keep your hands off of me after being away for less than half as long,” Remus tells him, voice wavering only slightly. “And I understand if it’s getting tiring having to parent around the moon’s schedule—“

“What the bloody fuck are you talking about,” Sirius really meant to listen to him all the way through, he did! But he can’t help just how furious he got at the sound of that absolutely ridiculous conclusion Remus has somehow conjured up in his impossible mind. Positively hates how this is still such a point of sensitivity Remus has when it regards to their relationship.

“Sirius—“

“Don’t be a completely idiotic arse, Lupin!” Sirius very nearly shouts, absolutely broiling. “You are the love of my life, and I wouldn’t change a single sodding thing about us! And I swear to Merlin or Morgana or whoever the fuck else, that if you begin speaking such rubbish again, I’ll have to lock you up in our bedroom, and show you just how intensely I mean that.”

Remus’s face has gone flushed throughout Sirius’s diatribe, and his hazel eyes twinkle with that adoring way of his that always makes Sirius’s heart lodge somewhere in his diaphragm. “Lupin-Black.”

“Pardon?”

“You called me Lupin, it’s Lupin-Black now, has been for quite a while.”

Sirius chuckles lowly, feeling his righteous anger deflate as he crowds Remus against the kitchen island and presses their foreheads together. “You done being a senseless sod then?”

Remus locks his hands around Sirius’s neck, kisses his cupids bow with a tender earnestness. “You still could’ve woken me up.”

“I just wanted to make sure that you wouldn’t be exhausted for tomorrow, love.” Sirius reiterates, kissing him with feeling before pulling apart once more. “Though if I’m being totally honest, I would’ve liked it if you could’ve wanked me off in hello.”

“That’s all you would’ve wanted?” Remus asks smugly, the tip of his index finger tracing idl patterns against Sirius’s neck.

“Mmm, don’t tease me, Moony.” Sirius tells him before sharing another snog. “I was just thinking earlier on that it’s been three ruddy months since I’ve had you to myself for the entire night.””

Remus’s smile brightens, “Oh yeah? You’ve missed that have you?” He bucks forwards, and Sirius can feel him pressed completely against his front.

“I think I might go mad very, very soon, Mssr Moony if we don’t correct this most awful of grievances.”

Remus laughs fondly, kissing the tip of his nose with a smile on his face. “Well I reckon that the twins are old enough to sleep through the night, and Grandma Lupin is always asking after them.”

Sirius brightens ten fold, “Really?”

“I’m sure the kids won’t mind spending an extended weekend on the Welsh coast.” Remus nods.

“Right, good. Yes! Let’s use that tellamabob thing.”

“But the kitchen’s still a mess.”

“Remus, please have mercy on me,” Sirius begs with his best pleading look until his husband finally relents in that worldweary way of his, even if it’s him who snatches Sirius’s wrist and drags him to that muggle contraption, an excited jittering to his grasp all the while.

Sirius is irrecoverably in love with such a bellend.

~*~

My Wolfstar FIC Masterlist

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #REMUSXSIRIUS #SIRIUSXREMUS #HARRY POTTER SERIES #MARAUDERS #SPILT INK #SUGARPLUMS #Sweetest babes

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