#i am absolutely not the first person to say this but like!!!!! the reblog/like ratio is atrocious!!!!

[bikananjarrus]

people need to start reblogging posts again i’m so serious. like it’s getting dire out here.

[mrs-weasley-reid]

Dear writer,

I have been thoroughly enjoying your work for the past week or so, I can admit I am a tiny bit obsessed with your writing. You are talented, gifted, dare I say. Receive a warm e-hug as the utmost representation of my appreciation.

That being said, if you are taking requests, may you please develop this? (it is far beyond my capabilities, time-wise and creative-wise lol): BAU Rookie!reader was recruited by Emily as Hotch was away dealing with some personal matters and entrusted her with the recruiting process. On rookie's first day, she was there early and got to meet the rest of the team, introduced by Emily. Hotch arrives a little late, as he came back from another state in the very late evening. When Emily finally introduces the rookie to their boss, they are both in shock (try to hide it, but fail to, team finds it odd) as they recognize each other from a wild one night stand they had when they were both drunk and ran into eachother at a bar/club, several months prior. They never exchanged names, so when Hotch was reviewing the rookie's paperwork while catching up on work during his flight, her name didn't ring any bells; likewise for rookie when Emily told her their boss' name. After the briefing, he asks rookie for a moment in his office to fill out some paperwork before they had to leave. It is tense, everyone on the team wondering what paperwork would be necessary since Emily took care of everything, they knew something was up, they're profilers after all. They talk it out and agree on making up a story about how they recognized eachother and why it was awkward. The other issue that ensues? Rookie takes a liking for Reid, and he likes her back, which makes Hotch get very jealous.

That's all I've got, I trust you'll be able to develop this into something addicting that I will absolutely eat up. I'd build you a shrine if you made it a series too lol

AHHHHHHHHHHH—

First, THANK YOU!!! I'm so so so so happy to hear that you love my writing🥹 I cried a bit because, like most writers in here, I struggle to love my own writing, especially when I'm getting a case of imposter syndrome, plus the likes to reblogs to comments ratio is atrocious I'm never certain if people like the fic or just reflexively hitting the like button so I truly appreciate the appreciation <3333

NOW ABOUT YOUR REQUEST— I'M IN!!!! It's such a well-thought-out idea. I immediately had the vision, but I'll be changing some stuff besides the baseline idea. I'm not a fan of the love triangle between reid and hotch. I prefer one or the other but a good background detail is great!

I do want to tell you that I have so many WIPs and so little time to write, so it might take some time before I post it. However, to show you my commitment, I started a draft for funsies🤭

lastly, I've never done a series fic except that one platonic Reid X reader (which wasn't exactly a series, just me adding more into the story because I felt like it, lol) and some two-part shots I wrote on a whim. So maybe I will? Most likely, I won't. Depends on how many people are interested in the first part

[kagejima]

Words of Encouragement

As the interaction discussion I monitored this weekend comes to a close, I have been struggling to think of what I can say to help everyone. I pride myself on being good with words when it comes to stories, but I am just absolutely horrible when it comes to advice-giving. I'm still going to try though because I am concerned after what I've seen.

One of my favorite shows is an NBC show called 30 Rock. It's about the head writer for a popular late night variety show and the hijinks that ensue.

There is an episode where the main character Liz Lemon is getting so stressed that she needs therapy. She enlists the help of simple yet sweet page Kenneth to be her therapist, but he cannot handle the pressure of it, so it backfires on her. Liz's no nonsense boss Jack steps in to help Kenneth and says, "Put your mental burden in my mind vice, and I will crush it."

Going into this discussion, I wanted to carry the attitude of Jack's "mind vice", but I will be incredibly honest with you all. The further it went, I became as stressed as Kenneth due to my empathetic nature.

It truly concerns me to see a lot of people being so stressed over something that shouldn't be stressful at all. I have been writing fanfic since most of you were five years old, so this isn't my first time dealing with these stressors. It's just a different website.

Some common themes I noticed in the messages were as follows:

Feeling like a third wheel when it comes to mutuals

Feeling like your writing is not good enough because it is not getting reblogged

Feeling unmotivated because you don't receive a large amount of feedback

Feeling used because of spam likers

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that there are people who have felt one of these, two of these, or even all four at once. You all shouldn't ever, ever feel this way. You deserve so much more than what is happening.

Second of all, I would encourage those that are writers to go back in the tag and find the handful of reader POVs that were sent in after the event is over later today. All of them made very valid points, and I think they are things that we regularly forget as writers. While, yes, there are always going to be spam likers and ungrateful readers, I believe in the bottom of my heart that probably more than half of them are not that way at all, and I think it's very easy for us to just think they're all the same when we only receive a like.

Thirdly, if I could take ratios away for all of you, I would. But I cannot. I can only give you some words of encouragement of what I've learned in my 18 years of writing fan fiction, so I hope that they help someone.

Notes Do Not Matter

At the End of the Day, You Should Be Writing For Yourself

I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. You're like, "What the fuck, Rae, yes they do."

But I feel like there is an alarming amount of people that are equating their worth as a writer (and person) to how well a fic does. We see how well another's fic does and if it doesn't reach that amount of notes, it's seen in our eyes as failure. Or if it doesn't reach x amount of interactions in x timeframe, we also see that as failure.

You cannot do this to yourself. It will drive you absolutely batshit insane.

And honestly? I completely understand wanting to be recognized for your writing, but you really have to think about it. Do you want 12k notes on every fic you put out? The people I knew that had massive amounts of notes the last time I was writing fanfic-- They were MASSIVELY unhappy. When they did get the interaction they craved, it turned out it wasn't what they wanted at all.

I'm not saying that this will be the same outcome for you, but I implore you to sit down and really think if wanting a large amount of notes comes from a deeper issue, like theirs did.

I don't think I'll host another one of these any time soon because it did take a lot out of me, but I do encourage both parties to step into the other's shoes.

You've done it! You've finished a fic!

Were you happy while you wrote it? Did some time pass and you went "Ohmygod, how long have I been sitting here?"? Did you have a fun time while you did it?

Guess what? You did it.

And by you did it, I mean you've already succeeded.

You made yourself happy writing about your favorite little blorbo (Or, if you're like me, writing about someone else's favorite blorbo so you get a DM going 'GODDAMNIT RAE' two seconds later lmaooo)

You cannot be waiting on interactions and note amounts to make yourself happy. It will not come, I promise you.

You cannot worry about what user 472347294 thinks about your fic and if it's good enough to be reblogged or not.

That kind of thinking will absolutely decimate you.

Your bar should be this now.

"Did I have a lot of fun writing it?"

Then you've done it. You succeeded. That's all that matters in the end is if YOU were happy while you wrote it. If YOU had fun while you wrote it.

Writers-- I get it. It fucking SUCKS to sink hours and hours and hours and hours into something and get literally nothing in return (I am TERRIFIED to post a Sukuna fic because of this). But I'm about to tell you some really hard pills to swallow, and some of you might disagree with me, and that's fine. But I feel like it needs to be said.

Just like we don't owe anything to readers (chapter updates, part twos, etc.), they don't owe us anything. I think it's very easy for us to get into the mindset of "I worked on this for x amount of hours, so you HAVE to give me feedback".

No. They don't. They don't owe us anything, just like we don't owe them anything. I can't find a gentler way to say it, but it's something I've thought of for awhile now.

Instead, what I encourage you to do is pay attention to those that DO leave feedback. Reach out to them when they do, and sort of a, "Hey, thank you so much for reading my fic, I really appreciate it!" Or something along those lines. I was doing that but I have been slacking on it for the last couple months, so maybe it's something we can all start to do together.

Readers-- I hadn't thought about it before about how you feel like your follower count is too insignificant for a reblog to do any good, or how the times that you have left feedback, you felt like you were pushed to the side. And for that, I am sorry.

I know we are always ranting about reblogs and how important they are, but I apologize to those who are trying. To those that do take the time out to leave feedback, you are appreciated more than you know. You are the reason we continue to make content, whether we reach out to you or not.

I also do think it's very easy for us writers to forget that there is an incredibly large amount of content out there to consume, and we are basically making it impossible to keep up with. Tumblr's bookmarking system is just fucking awful (if you can even call it that) so I completely understand where you're coming from.

My advice to you is to keep trying to leave feedback, no matter how small. Hopefully there will be some writers who will reach back out to you and tell you thanks.

To those that are too shy to leave feedback, I would encourage you to leave feedback on your favorite writers fics (Please, for the love of god, stay away from the writers who think that they're better than you because their follower count got to their head. You'll know them when you see them.).

And if you are unsure of what to even say, please drop by (I have anonymous on always!) and I would be more than happy to help you!

There are a few more messages queued for today, but I will probably end the discussion at 3pm EST since I have to work tonight.

Thank you again to those that sent things in. I'm happy that we were able to be respectful to one another and I hope that maybe we were able to step into the other party's shoes and can be more kind to each other going forward.

[study-coffee-chicago]

Who Would've Thought? A Government Teacher and an English Teacher (A Halstead Brothers + Upstead + Halstead Daughter! Imagine; Part of AU-gust)

A/N: Thank you for reading! Remember to like/reblog and comment! I'm also donating all the proceeds that from my buy me a coffee account to Save The Children to help the children of Afghanistan. Link to buy me a coffee.

Anyway, enjoy!

"Hey, I know you aren't a morning person," your dad said as he walked up to you sitting at the bar in the kitchen with a piece of paper in his hand.

"You're right, I'm not," you said.

"All I need is for you to look over the seating chart I made for the juniors."

"Make sure you didn't put people who have beef next to each other?" you asked.

"Exactly. And I figured, since it's your class, you'd be the perfect person to do it."

"And because I'm your daughter."

"That, too."

He set the paper in front of you. "Since I'm doing this for you, care to make me my coffee?" you asked

"The pumpkin spice one?" You nodded. "Kid, it's the first week of September. It's like 75 out (23.9 celsius). Fall's not even close. And, technically, it's still summer."

"Listen, Dunkin' came out with their pumpkin spice stuff in mid-August. And, you know the minute it hits September, I get in the fall mood."

"But you still won't go to a Bears game with me and your Uncle Will," he said.

"Dad, I don't understand football."

He pulled the K-Cup out and put it in the Keurig. "I told you that me and Uncle Will could teach you. And, you seem to understand it when you're at school football games."

"I just cheer when everyone else does. It's not that hard."

"Fair enough."

He pointed to the counter of the bar, so you looked down at the seating chart. You waved him back over to you as you heard the sputtering of the Keurig, telling you that all your coffee was almost in your tumbler.

You pointed to two seats. "These two girls have had beef since middle school, so throw them across the room from each other." Your dad grabbed a pen from his breast pocket and drew a line to put one of the girls on the opposite side of the room. "These two are dating, so unless you want them talking all the time, I suggest you at least move the guy to a different group." He drew another line on the seating chart. "And this guy dated these two girls, so you need to make sure that they're as far away from each other as possible."

"Which one is he dating now?" your dad asked as he drew more lines.

"Neither. He was dating both of them at the same time. Get why none of them can be by each other now?"

"Gotcha."

He took the seating chart from you and handed you your tumbler of coffee. "I don't drink it black," you said as you raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, believe me, I know, but I'll leave you to do that because I don't want to mess up your coffee to creamer ratio and have you get mad at me for it."

"Fair enough."

You sighed as you poured your creamer into your coffee because you thought about all the homework that was going to be piled on to your plate this year.

"What's wrong?" your dad asked.

"I'm gonna be drowning at the end of today."

"Can't argue with you there. But tell me if you think your homework load for APUSH (AP US History) and AP Gov (AP Government) is getting too much for one class. I'll talk to the teachers. And, you have me to help you with your government homework." He said the last part with a huge smile on his face.

"Dad," you groaned. "You've been waiting for me to be a junior forever now just so you could be my teacher."

"Yup, and you chose AP over me. How rude."

"Sorry, but college is expensive. It was only like 50 bucks a class when you went to college back in the olden days."

"Young lady, I am not old."

"Fine, you're vintage. Better?" He just glared at you while you finished stirring your coffee and then started making your breakfast. "But, at least Hail- Miss Upton doesn't give us a ton of homework because she knows we're drowning in homework already and have the SATs to worry about, so that's nice."

You were super thankful for your Honors English 11 teacher, who also taught AP Stats. She gave you at least half an hour each class period to do your homework since she knew that most of you had sports or after-school clubs or a part job to get to and didn't have all night to do homework. She was the one who also said to send her an email if you couldn't get the assignment done and she'd give you an extension. She said that your physical health and mental health were way more important than you finishing your homework.

Your dad was like that, too. Granted, he didn't give the students in his class a ton of homework to begin with, and he made the class fun...at least, that's what you heard from the kids who were juniors last year. The only time your dad really gave homework was when he gave out study guides to fill out. He'd give them out a week before the test and then after two days, he'd check that everyone got them done and go over them in class so that everyone had the right answers to study from. Mr. Jay Halstead also didn't give tests on a Monday because that was just cruel...and he knew that when he was in high school, he absolutely hated homework, so he didn't give a lot of it. And, he hated coming to school on a Monday when he forgot to study over the weekend, so he didn't give tests on Mondays.

"You're not going running this morning?" you asked as you cut up a banana to go into your oatmeal.

"No, I think I'll run with you guys after school today at practice."

Your dad was also the high school cross country coach. You weren't a fast runner by any means, but your best friend, Emma, had made it to regionals and was a great runner. And, your dad said that you either play a sport in high school or you get a job, so you joined the cross country team. In all honesty, you liked running for the endorphin rush it gave you after the run and just talking to some of your teammates while running or listening to music or podcasts while running. But, you weren't competitive, so that's probably why you weren't as fast as Emma, and your dad knew this. But, he was just glad you were being active in some way after school and that you enjoyed exercising even if you weren't the best or the fastest runner. He just wanted you to live a long and healthy life, and he knew starting to exercise in high school would help you build those healthy habits.

But, usually what your dad did in the morning was go to school at like six in the morning, so he'd be up at five, and then he'd utilize the weight room or the indoor track to workout. Then, he'd take a quick shower and get ready there, and be teaching by 7:30. Yeah, he was crazy for running that early.

"You know," you started, "Miss Upton likes to run. Maybe you should see if she'll co-coach with you? Or maybe she'll run with you in the morning?"

Jay shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. "Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that Hailey and I are just friends. Nothing more."

"Says the man who lesson planned with her last week," you said, wiggling your eyebrows.

"Y/N, she's a coworker. I would've done that with anyone. It was just coffee. You read too much into things."

"Dad," you sighed. "You haven't dated in years."

"Yeah, since Abby dropped you off on my doorstep." He used to refer to Abby as your mom, but she wasn't around, so when you were around 14 years old, you just started referring to her as Abby. After all, you had never even met the woman, and she didn't want you, not even leaving an address on the note attached to your pajamas, so she didn't deserve the title of Mom.

"So, 17 years. You haven't dated in 17 years, Dad. You gotta get back out there. Even Uncle Will said you need to."

"You talked to your uncle about this?" he asked. "Oh, and put some egg whites in that oatmeal for some extra protein."

"What? You gonna make us lift weights today at cross country practice?"

He shrugged. "You never know. Now, no more talking to Uncle Will about my love life."

"There's not even anything to talk about. But, he does think you and Miss Upton would look cute together."

You added some egg whites to your oatmeal and put it back in the microwave for an extra minute.

"This has been going on for way too long now, Y/N. We're not gonna date. We're just friends and coworkers. Just drop it."

You put your hands up in mock surrender.

Ever since freshman year when you had Miss Upton for creative writing (yes, she taught one section of AP stats, one section of creative writing, and she also taught Honors English 11 and regular English 11 for the rest of her sections), you knew that her and your dad would be a great match. So, you confided in Emma and she agreed. Ever since then, you hadn't really let the topic go.

"Fine," you groaned...even though you and your dad both knew that the topic would not be dropped in the slightest.

"Now, do you want me to drive you, or do you want to drive yourself?"

Usually, since he left before you, you'd just drive yourself to school since you were 17 and had been driving for a year now. But, during the first week of school, your dad didn't do his morning workouts, so he always gave you the option if you wanted to ride to school with him.

You pursed your lips. "Fine. I'll ride with you, just cause it'll save me gas."

Jay laughed. "You're not even the one who pays for your gas."

He was right. He was the one who paid for your gas because you had always studied hard...and you played a sport, so you didn't have time for a part-time job. Because of this, Jay decided he'd pay for your gas. But, you did have to work a part-time job in the summer.

"Fine. It prolongs the time before I have to go to the gas station. How's that?" you asked.

"Miss Upton would be proud of how you worded that."

"Maybe you should tell her that, Dad. It'd be a great conversation starter."

***

"So," Emma began as you were warming up for your run after the school day ended, "how'd the chat with your dad go?"

You sighed while jogging. "I don't think it's ever gonna happen. He's too damn stubborn to ask her out and he claims that they're just friends and coworkers. I hate it. They'd be so damn cute together."

"I know," Emma agreed. "You know, I overheard her in the hallway between classes saying that she was going to chaperone the homecoming dance. Maybe your dad could get in on that and that's how they could talk more?" she suggested.

"Emma, that's a great idea, but I really don't want my dad at homecoming. That is awkward as hell."

Emma laughed. "Sorry, didn't think about that."

"Hustle up!" your dad yelled. "Time to stretch!"

You started your normal stretching routine before your dad started to give his normal beginning of the school year speech. "Alright, I need all of you to listen up. I don't want anybody talking over me, you hear me?" You all nodded. "Okay, good. So, I know that some of you have heard horror stories about the old cross country coach who said that if you miss a practice, then you miss a meet...unless it was for being sick." Most of you nodded.

Before your dad started coaching and the other cross country coach retired, a lot of the students hated the previous coach's coaching style. His coaching style was run more to get better at running...which sounded good in theory. But, this didn't actually work. You see, what would end up happening was that he'd make the runs longer and longer. He'd even make the athletes do a long run on Saturday and then a short run (which to him was three miles) on Sunday. If an athlete didn't send him the screenshots from apps like map my run, then they wouldn't be able to race in the next meet. This obviously was a recipe for overtraining and injuries. You heard that one girl even hurt her IT band from running so much! So, it was no surprise that most people hated the coach and so many parents complained, so he stepped down, and then your dad came in to coach.

"That's not how I coach," your dad continued. "School and your grades are really important. So is sleep. I don't want you guys not getting sleep or not getting to spend time with friends or not have other social interactions because you have to practice for two hours and then go home and do homework and get to bed late. I don't want you guys to be sleep-deprived zombies." Most of you laughed at that. "With that being said, if you're overwhelmed and feel like there's not enough time in a day, just come talk to me and we'll figure it out. Whether that's only coming to practice for an hour or taking a few days off to study for an upcoming test or taking time off for a family emergency, we'll figure out what to do." Everyone nodded. "Alright everybody, let's go run the big loop. Keep track of your split times."

***

You were walking inside with Emma to go grab your stuff from your locker after you had finished practice. Perks of having your dad be a teacher? You and your friend could leave your stuff inside instead of bringing it outside with you.

"Just meet me in my room when you're done, Y/N," your dad told you. "Have a good night, Emma."

"You too, Mr. Halstead," she replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jay when it's not school or practice hours?" Jay smiled and then walked down the hall to his classroom to retrieve the stuff he had brought with him for the day...with his shirt sticky from sweat since he had run with you guys today.

He walked out of his classroom with his backpack and gym bag, to come face to face with Miss Hailey Upton walking out of her classroom as well.

"Run with the team today, Jay?" she asked.

"Yeah, you know, first week of school, kind of hard to get my early morning runs in when there's so much to do on the classroom side," he answered.

"Understandable. I've been doing mine after I lesson plan and before dinner. Hopefully, I'll be back to nightly runs soon before it starts getting dark earlier and earlier."

"But, when it gets too dark, then you'll be running in the mornings soon...and then it'll be cold," Jay pointed out.

"There's this thing called a treadmill, Jay. I utilize that in the winter."

"That shows that you're an English teacher: you use big words."

Hailey rolled her eyes. "I see you reading books during your lunch period. I know you know big words, you just prefer not to use them."

"Yeah, because I want the kids to think I'm a cool teacher...not a snob."

"I am not a snob!" Hailey jokingly argued.

"I'm kidding, Hailey! I'm kidding! And, I know you lesson plan and grade on your lunch break, too instead of going to the teacher's lounge."

"Spying on me now, huh?"

"Our rooms are right across from each other and we have the same lunch period, what else am I supposed to do?" he laughed.

Hailey sighed dramatically. "Oh, I guess. Tell you what: come to my room during our lunch period and I can give you some good book recommendations."

"I get enough book recommendations from my daughter, thank you very much. But, I guess I can always use more."

"So, see you during tomorrow's lunch period?"

"See you then. Have a good night, Hailey."

"You, too. Tell Y/N I say hi and not to work too hard on all her homework."

Then, they walked down the hallway and Jay walked back towards where you were still chatting with Emma. All the while, he was thanking God that you weren't there during that conversation between him and Hailey because he wouldn't hear the end of it. But, he was also wondering what the hell he'd just gotten into.

***

"You will not believe what I just saw!" Emma whispered to you the next day in your AP gov class.

"What?" you whispered back.

She had forgotten her laptop in her locker and had to go get it. Which, the route to her locker from the classroom you were currently in went right past your dad and Hailey's classrooms.

"Your dad and Miss Upton are in her classroom eating lunch together."

Your eyes practically bulged out of your head. "No way!"

You received a glare from the teacher and were quiet. But, you'd be sure to ask your dad about this when you went home tonight.

***

"Uncle Will's coming over for dinner in an hour," your dad told you when you got inside your house after practice. You had decided to drive yourself to school today instead of riding with him. "How much homework do you have?"

"Uh..." you blanched and set down your backpack and unzipped it. Then, you grabbed your planner and flipped it open, laying it out on the kitchen table. "I have an AP stats worksheet that's due tomorrow, I have to read half a chapter in my AP bio textbook by Monday, I have to read a full chapter of my AP gov textbook by Tuesday, and I have an APUSH assignment due tomorrow. Oh, and I should probably read a chapter of the book I chose to read for my English class plus I have to annotate a few paragraphs of crappy 16th-century literature by tomorrow, too."

"Christ," your dad said. "So, what do you have to do tonight?"

"AP stats worksheet, APUSH assignment, and I have to annotate for English. I could always not read the chapter in the book I chose to read if I don't want to."

"Do you want me to just tell Uncle Will to come over this weekend?" he asked.

Jay know knew you absolutely loved his brother and that you were always excited to tell him about your day and how school was going. It had always been this way because, when Jay found you on his doorstep, he was 22, and had just started undergrad and was working on his teaching degree. Because of this, when Will wasn't studying in his last two years of med school and later working in a hospital as a new resident, he was your go-to babysitter. And you absolutely loved when he came over...despite not being able to remember much because you were so young. Apparently, you had been particularly fascinated by Will's red hair and would pull on it every chance you got. But, he'd let you play with it until it really started to hurt him because you were his favorite (and only) niece and he knew he'd do anything for you. This came in handy as you got older because you realized you had him wrapped around your finger and would always ask him for homework help. Or, if your dad wouldn't give you spending money, you'd go straight to your Uncle Will, and usually, he'd give you some.

"No," you answered. "A doctor needs to know stats, right?"

"I think so," your dad answered. "Why? Are you struggling already? Do you need to go into the regular stats class instead of the advanced one?"

You laughed at your dad's concern. "No, I'm fine. Just figured he'd be able to check it for me to make sure I did everything right."

"Oh, good. And, I'm pretty sure he can do that. Now, go take a shower so you can get started on your homework before he gets here and so I can start on dinner."

***

"Guess what?" you asked as all three of you twirled your spaghetti onto your forks at the dinner table an hour later.

"Chicken butt," Will said.

Jay rolled his eyes. "I swear, I wonder if Mom and Dad were lying when they said that you were older. Maybe I'm the older one and they just lied to us because you sure do act like the younger brother."

"Relax, Jay. Just because I'm more fun than you and Y/N likes me better, does not mean that I'm immature."

"Anyway," you said, wanting to tell Will what you had found out earlier today, "do you want to know what I have to say or not?"

"Go ahead," Will said.

"Okay, so today during AP gov, Emma had to back to her locker to grab her laptop. And she went right by Dad and Miss Upton's classrooms." You paused as you looked over at your dad and saw his eyes slightly widen and then go back to normal. "And they were eating lunch together in her classroom!"

"Awe," Will cooed. "My little brother's back on the market. Good for you, man." Then, he turned to you. "Upton's the short, blonde English teacher you've been trying to set him up with for years now, right?"

"He's not supposed to know about the set-up part!" you hissed.

"Oh, sorry. Jay, forget I said that."

"Y/N, I already you've been trying to set us up," your dad laughed. "It's been kind of obvious."

"Now that that's settled," Will started, "how'd it go? What did you two talk about? And are you having lunch together tomorrow?"

"You two are terrible, you know that?"

"Oh, we know," Will said. "But, you can't ground me, so I can be as terrible as I want."

Jay laughed. "She won't get grounded for that, Will. She might get grounded if she keeps procrastinating her stats homework, though."

"Need help, kiddo?" Will asked. "I have to read stats for things like new drugs and stuff, so I'm good at that. Don't know if I can help you with actually solving the problem because it's been ages since I've done that, but I can try."

"No, thanks, though. I just took a long shower so I have to get it done after dinner. I understand it all, though."

"Good, you can always come to me if you need help with it, though," Will offered. "Or, since it's Miss Upton--" He looked directly at Jay when he said Miss Upton and then turned his attention back to you. "--who's your stats teacher, you can always ask her. But, be sure to drag your dad along with you."

"Will!"

***

Two weeks later

"Might want to tell them to drink a ton of water after this, Jay, because it's so hot," Hailey Upton said as she walked up to Jay Halstead--and Coach Halstead for the next few hours--at an away cross country meet on a Wednesday afternoon in mid-September. "Or better yet, get them some Gatorade."

"Hailey?" Jay asked as he turned around, getting his stopwatch ready. "What are you doing here? And, I'd get them Gatorade if I could. I kinda forgot to pick it up last night."

"I'm here because some kids asked me to come to their meet. And, I always try to come to those things if kids ask me."

Jay cocked an eyebrow. "Would two of those kids be my daughter and her best friend?"

"Among others."

He looked down at the rolling cooler she had brought. "What's with the cooler?"

"Well, you may not have had time to pick up Gatorade, but I did. So, there's one in there for each kid plus the coach...and me of course."

"How'd you know Gatorade would help?" Jay asked. "Other than logic of course."

Hailey laughed. "I've run a few marathons in my life, Jay. I know all about proper hydration and how important it is to refuel after a hot run."

At this, Jay raised his eyebrows. He knew that she ran, but she didn't know that she ran marathons. "Oh, wow. Which ones?"

"You know, the Chicago marathon obviously. Always wanted to do like Boston or someplace, but you have to qualify for those, you can't just go and sign up like here in Chicago. Oh, and I've always wanted to do a Disney marathon. I think it'd be cool, you know? Run through Disney World, maybe hop on some rides during the race."

Jay smiled. "That actually does sound really fun."

The announcer said that it was ten minutes until it was time to race.

"I gotta get to the first mile marker," Jay said.

"Okay, where's our tent? I'll go put this cooler under it."

Jay told Hailey where the tent was and was about to leave when she stopped him.

"Where do I get the maps? I can go to the second mile marker to help out with times in case you can't get there fast enough," she suggested.

"That'd, uh, that'd actually be great, Hailey. Thank you. And, you just get the maps from the table right over there," Jay answered and pointed to a table about 200 meters away.

"Awesome, thanks. See you after the race, Coach," Hailey joked.

Jay nodded and started to jog off toward the first mile marker. But, all the while he wondered what the hell this woman was doing to him. Because he felt his cheeks heating up in a blush as he jogged off.

And, as for Hailey, well she was watching as Jay jogged away and loved the way he ran with perfect form and how his biceps flexed just enough that she could see the muscles slightly bulge.

She laughed to herself. If they ever went running together, she'd have to tell him to loosen up because you weren't supposed to run with your arms as taut as his were; he was wasting energy.

But, for now, she just made her way over to the tent and left the cooler and then went to get a map and start off toward the second mile marker to help out a fellow teacher...well, maybe he was starting to be more than just a fellow teacher. Neither of them really knew at this point. But, Hailey liked the thrill of it all. She felt like she was in high school again...a high school student, not a high school teacher.

***

You panted and winced as you crossed the finish line. Shit, your shin splints were really acting up this time, and God, it was so hot out and you felt nauseous and even had to walk during some points of the race. We'll see what your dad had to say about that.

Wait, was that Miss Upton coming up to you?

It is! She actually came!

"Y/N, are you okay? I saw you walking," she said worriedly while your dad jogged over since you were the last one on your team to finish.

"You good, kid?" your dad asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. My shin splints just hurt really bad and I think the heat's making me feel sick."

"Okay, well, I have to go watch the boys and make sure they're ready. Hailey, can you, uh, help Y/N? The medical tent's across from here. Maybe make sure she gets under our team tent without puking and get her something to drink?"

"I can do that, Jay, don't worry."

Emma walked up to you. "Good job!" she exclaimed.

"Girl, I didn't even run as fast as you! You flew through there. But, it's hot as hell!" you said.

"It is really hot. You gonna watch the guys' race?"

"No, Dad told me to sit under our tent in the shade. Gotta get some ice for my shins first, though."

"Shin splints acting up?"

"Yeah."

Then, you, Miss Upton, and Emma walked over to the medical tent where you got bags of ice wrapped around your shins.

***

"I'll run to Mcdonald's and get you ice, too," your dad said before you got in your separate cars back at school after the meet. "What do you want?"

"Uh, a ten-piece nugget--don't forget the honey mustard--a medium fry, and a medium lemonade," you said as your dad typed it into the notes app of his phone. "Thanks."

"I'll see you at home. Drive careful."

"See you in like half an hour."

Then you drove home and decided to start on some homework while still in your sweaty cross country uniform.

When your dad got home, you gobbled down your food because damn, you were hungry after that mentally taxing race. Then, you and your dad filled the bathtub up with ice and cold water.

Time for hell...aka an ice bath. At this point, you'd do anything to prevent your shin splints from getting bad. At least the old coach wasn't coaching because, from all the horror stories you heard, it'd be worse for your shins if he was coaching and not your dad.

After you changed into a pair of spandex shorts and a long-sleeved running shirt and a hoodie, you lowered yourself into the freezing and icy water. You set your phone timer for eight minutes and braved the cold for that long.

Then, after that, you drained the bathtub and took a very hot shower. But, as you were in there, you started feeling nauseous again. You crouched down and actually ended up throwing up a bit in the shower. It was nothing major, you just figured it was from eating too fast. But, you were still really tired.

And this is what you told your dad when you got out of the shower.

"But, I still have homework," you said defeatedly. "I kinda wanna just go to sleep now. It's already 7:00 and I have at least two to four hours of homework to do."

Jay sighed. He never wanted to play this game, but he wasn't going to let you run on not enough sleep tomorrow when you weren't even feeling your best.

"What classes?" he asked.

"Uh, I have to get APUSH done which will take me like at least two hours, and then I have English and stats homework," you answered.

Jay sighed. "I'll give Hailey a call and explain the situation and see if she'll give you an extension on the English and stats homework."

Your eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes, now go grab some water and get started on your APUSH homework. And.. it will only be a one day extension."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best Dad ever!"

Then, you grabbed your water and went back upstairs to your room.

But, all you could think about was that your dad and Miss Upton were talking over the phone outside of school. Maybe they were becoming more than just co-workers.

Jay dialed Hailey's phone number and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Jay?" she asked when she answered.

"Hi, Hailey. Yeah, it's Jay. Listen I have a huge favor to ask you," he said.

"What is it?"

"So Y/N puked a bit in the shower, probably because of the amount of sodium in those damn chicken nuggets she wanted, and then she took an ice bath and then a hot shower, so the quick and significant temperature change probably played a role. Anyway, how it happened isn't the point. It's just that she's really tired and she has AP US history homework that she has to finish. So, would it be okay if you gave her a one day extension on her English homework and her stats homework? If not, I completely understand because you can't just make exceptions because she's a teacher's kid and--"

"Jay, relax," Hailey laughed. "Yes, I'll give her the extensions. What is it that you always tell your team? Their physical and mental health comes first?"

Jay chuckled and then took a sip of his beer. "Yeah, that's about right. And, thank you. Y/N will greatly appreciate that."

"No problem. But, I also have a favor to ask you."

Jay cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

"So, we're short on chaperones for the homecoming dance and I was wondering if maybe you could chaperone? And, I figured that since you have a kid and would probably want to be there for her pictures before the dance, you don't have to help us set up. Maybe just chaperone and then help us tear down? If not just chap--"

"Hailey, of course, I'll help out. Now, Y/N, she might not be happy that I'll be chaperoning her school dance, but I'll be there. Count me in."

***

2 weeks later, 3 days before homecoming dance

"Okay, I know I'm just your English teacher," Miss Upton started at the beginning of class that day, "but I still care about your guys' safety. So, please, please, please do not drive drunk or buzzed. Call your parents to pick you up. I can absolutely promise you that they'd be happier that you called them to pick you up than you trying to drive home and getting into a car accident."

"What if my parents will be mad at me for drinking anyway?" one kid asked.

"So, if that's the case, you can always call me and I will come pick you up from wherever you're at. I can lose a few hours of sleep to make sure that you guys are home safe." She started writing numbers on the whiteboard. "Right here is my cell phone number, if you think you'll need it, write it down or make it a contact in your phone. Again, I'd rather not come to school on Monday and learn that one of you is in the hospital because of something that could have been prevented."

You pulled out your phone, you didn't think that you'd need Miss Upton's number, but you figured you'd put it in just in case since two girls from your AP gov class asked you to be the DD for a party. You were kind of friends with them, like you studied for tests together, but that was it. But, you had debated it because it was a party after homecoming and you had never been to a party before...let alone one after a dance.

"Oh, Miss Upton," you said as you put your phone face down on your desk.

"Yes, Y/N?" she asked.

"What color dress are you wearing when you're chaperoning the dance?"

"I haven't really thought it much." She furrowed her eyebrows as she wondered why you were asking this question. "But, probably red. Why?"

"Just wondering."

And now, you just needed to make sure that your dad had a red tie and that he actually wore it when he was chaperoning the dance.

***

3 days later, homecoming

"What about this?" your dad asked as he walked out of his room in dress pants, a white shirt, a navy blue tie, and a sport coat.

You were already in your dress and had gotten your hair and nails done earlier in the day, so now you were just waiting to take some pictures with Emma and then actually go to the dance.

"Hmm, I don't know. The shirt and tie are kind of what you wear to work everyday, so I think you need something different. Maybe a brighter tie or something," you said and then walked into his room and opened his closet.

You sifted through the closet until you found what you were looking for: a black shirt and a red tie.

"I think you should wear these," you said and laid the two pieces of clothing on his bed.

"What? Why? You know I never wear red. That tie has been hung up in my closet since you were probably ten," he argued.

"That's the point, Dad! You need to get out of your comfort zone and wear something besides what you wear to school...or in your case, work. It's a dance, so you have to wear something fancy."

Jay groaned. He knew he wasn't going to be able to win this argument.

"Fine. I'll change."

"Good."

Then, you walked out of his room.

Your plan had worked.

***

"Mr. Halstead," Hailey said as she saw Jay walk onto the dance floor a few hours later when all the lights were off and the cleared-out cafeteria became full of students dancing.

"Miss Upton," he greeted. She laughed. "What?"

"It's nothing," Hailey said quickly. "It's just that, well your tie..." she trailed off while his eyes raked down her body in the slightly tight (but not too tight because they were at a school function) spaghetti strap bright red dress that she was wearing. "Let's just say I now know why Y/N asked me what color dress I was wearing."

Jay groaned and shook his head. "My daughter. Always...you know, I don't know what her game is at this point, but I should've suspected something when she told me to go change."

But damn, Jay thought, she does look good in red.

God, Hailey thought, I wish he'd wear those kind of black shirts to work more often.

***

It was now after the dance and you and your dad had arrived back at home at around the same time.

"You're a little devil, you know that?" he asked when you were both inside.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I plead the fifth," you replied.

"Very funny. You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. You should know this, Dad, you teach government."

"You can plead the fifth in court, but you cannot do it with your dad. So, I know that you asked Hailey what color dress she was wearing just so my tie could match it."

"Oooh, so we're calling her Hailey and not Miss Upton now. I'd say that's a step up. What did you two talk about at the dance? Because I know for a fact that you didn't ask her to slow dance."

"And you didn't slow dance with anyone either, so we're even, kid," Jay retorted.

You rolled your eyes. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Get this hair out."

"Okay." Your dad yawned. "I'm gonna get to bed. Now I know why you sleep until noon the day after dances: they're exhausting."

"Tell me about it. Goodnight. Send Miss Upton-- well, Hailey now-- a text to make sure she got home safe!"

You didn't even wait for your dad's witty reply before you bounded up the stairs and into your bathroom.

But, you didn't actually end up taking a shower. You ran the shower while you washed off your makeup and re-did it into something more party-appropriate and then took down your hair and put it up into a ponytail.

After half an hour, you turned off the shower and wrapped your still dry body in a towel after you had stripped off your dress. You peeked out of the bathroom to see that your dad's bedroom door was closed, which meant that he was asleep.

Then, you tiptoed into your room and changed your clothes.

You pulled out your phone to tell the girls to park a few houses down so your dad didn't hear the car pull in the driveway or see the headlights.

Your plan of going to your very first high school party was a go.

***

It had been two hours since you had snuck out and it was nearing two in the morning. And, you weren't feeling too hot. You had decided not to drink because you were the DD out of you and the two girls from class. And, you had kept the car keys away from them so that they couldn't do anything stupid...and so you could keep them safe. You hadn't drank anything, but you had eaten the fruit off of the top of the spiked punch bowl and, for whatever reason, you were starting to feel lighter and happier.

Shit.

Your dad had warned that fruit soaks up alcohol. How could you have been so stupid to forget that? He was going to kill you! There's no way you could call him to pick you up, absolutely no way!

Somehow, you found your friends, they were by the makeshift bar, no shock there because you knew the only reason they were there was to get drunk. Note to self: if people you only know because of one class ask you to come to a party for the sole purpose of being the DD, do not go.

Luckily for you, one of the girls' boyfriends played on the football team and wasn't going to risk his season just for one party. So, you told him that you needed to leave and that you were the DD and asked if he could get the two girls home safely. He agreed and you passed off the car keys to him.

Then you walked outside, the chilly mid-October night air helping to slow the nervousness coursing through your veins about facing your dad.

You pulled out your phone and hit the contact you had made in class a few days ago.

"Hello? This is Hailey," you heard Hailey's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Miss Upton, it's Y/N Halstead," you said.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" You heard shuffling on the end of the line and assumed that Miss Upton was standing up from somewhere.

"I mean, I'm kinda woozy I guess. But, I snuck out and my dad doesn't know where I am." You hung your head. You couldn't believe you had been so stupid.

"And you had a drink so you can't drive home?" she finished.

"Yeah." She didn't need to know the details. All she needed to know was that you needed help getting home.

"Okay, send me your location and I'll be there soon, okay? Is it safe for you? Do you need me to stay on the phone or call the cops?"

"No, no, I'm perfectly fine. Just need someone to drive me home."

"Okay good. Send me that location and I'll be there soon."

Then, she told you the model of her car and the color so you could spot her easily. Once you were off the phone, you sent her your location and she replied with a thumbs up, telling you that she got it.

Your phone rang. You thought it was Miss Upton, but then you looked down and saw it was your dad.

Double shit.

***

"Please don't tell my dad," you said when you pulled up to your driveway half an hour later.

"Y/N, I have--"

But, she was saved from telling you that she needed to tell your dad when the front door flung open.

Your dad must've seen the headlights.

"Go," Miss Upton said. "You're only prolonging the inevitable if you stay in here."

You sighed. "Will you walk me up?"

"Sure."

So, both you and Miss Upton exited the car.

The minute your dad saw you, he ran down the steps to you.

"Young lady!" he yelled. "Where were you? Do you know how worried I was? You could've gotten seriously hurt!" He paused. "Get over here!"

You knew to listen to him when he pulled out the dad voice.

He put two fingers underneath your chin and tipped your head up. "Breathe. Now."

It was faint, but it was there, your dad smelt stale vodka on your breath...mixed with a citrusy scent and teeth that hadn't been brushed since the previous morning.

He sighed and clenched his teeth. Then, he put his hands down and he finally spotted Hailey. "Hailey, what are you doing here?" he asked, unclenching his jaw.

"I always tell my students that they can call me if they need to get picked up from parties and can't drive. So far, Y/N's the only one who has utilized that."

"Well, thank you. I'm sorry she had to make you come out at this time of night." He turned back to you. "As for you, go inside. Not only did you drink, but you went to a party, too. We'll talk in a few minutes."

You hung your head and made your way inside and sat down on the couch in the living room.

Jay walked up to Hailey. "I'm really sorry about her. But, thank you for getting her home safe. How far did you have to drive? I can give you gas money for all of this on Monday."

"Jay, it's fine. I make this offer for homecoming and prom every year. You don't have to pay me. I just wanna make sure all the kids get home safe, that's all."

"At least let me buy you coffee or something. You brought my little girl home safe when I didn't even know where she was. I think that warrants some type of reward."

"If you want to repay me that bad," Hailey began, "I'm lesson planning and grading at Starbucks tomorrow. I guess you can buy me a coffee."

"Done. Text me the time and I'll be there."

"Will do."

"Now, excuse me, but I have to go deal with my daughter."

"Goodnight, Jay."

"Night, Hailey."

Then, she drove off and back to her house while Jay walked up his front steps and wondered what he was going to say to you.

"Look at me," your dad demanded when he made his way into the living room.

You looked up. "I'm so--"

"No," your dad said quickly, cutting you off. "You don't talk. You only listen. Do you understand me?" You nodded. "Good. Do you know how worried sick I was when I couldn't find you inside? I was beside myself, Y/N. I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were hurt. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you. What you did was stupid and reckless and please do not ever, ever do that again. Never do that again. Do you hear me?"

"Yes," you answered.

"Good."

You took a deep breath before you asked your next question. "Am I in trouble?"

Your dad sighed and sat down next to you. "As much as I want to ground you, no you are not in trouble. I'm just so relieved that you're home safe. And, you made the right decision by not driving and calling someone to pick you up...even if it wasn't me."

"Do you want an explanation as to why I went?" you asked.

"No, God no. I may look calm on the outside, but on the inside, I'm still pissed."

"Can I ask how you knew I snuck out?"

"You forgot to leave your fan on and I knew it was way too quiet in your room."

The doorbell rang.

"Shoot, I forgot to tell your uncle that you're home safe. But, you better go up to bed before me and him talk and think of a punishment for you."

"So you're still mad?" you asked.

"A little mad, but mostly I'm just relieved and disappointed. I thought you knew better." You hung your head. "Now, go to bed."

"Okay." You stood up. "Goodnight, I love you." You gave him a hug.

He gave you a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, too, kid. Now, get to bed."

You went upstairs, but instead of going all the way to your room, you sat down on the landing, intent on listening to your dad's and your uncle's conversation about you.

"Hey, she's home. It's all good," Jay said as he answered the door and then motioned for his brother to come inside.

"Oh, thank God. Where was she?" Will asked as they made their way to the living room and sat down on different couches, facing each other.

"Apparently she went to a party. I know she drank because I smelled alcohol on her breath. It was just a bit, but it was there."

"If you want, we can bring her to Med and I can do a tox screen to see the level of alcohol in her system," Will suggested.

"You know, that's not a bad idea actually."

Jay quickly stood up, but Will stopped him. "I'm kidding, man! Don't do that! She was still lucid when she came home, right?"

"Yeah, she was walking and talking normally."

"Okay, then sit your ass back down and don't drag your daughter to Med. Did you ground her?"

"No, I actually didn't."

"There's a shock. You always said you'd ground your kid if they snuck out. Oh, how things changed."

"I was just so relieved," Jay said and sat back down. "When Hailey pulled in the driveway and Y/N got out of her car--"

"Wait," Will started, cutting Jay off, "Hailey picked her up? Hailey Upton?"

"Yeah," Jay answered. "Apparently she'll give out her phone number to the kids in case they need to get home safe from somewhere after prom and homecoming. And, Y/N called her and not me."

"I wouldn't call you either," Will joked. "You'd probably scream at her in front of everyone at the party."

"I would not!" Will cocked his head to the side. "Okay, maybe, but that's beside the point. All that matters is that Y/N had the wherewithal to know that she couldn't drive and she solved that problem. God, Will, the amount of adrenaline that left my body when I saw her get out of that car was astronomical."

"I bet. So, do you know where she went?"

"I just know it was some party. She got lectured when she got home, don't worry about that." Jay put his head in his hands.

"What? What's wrong, Jay?"

"Anything could've happened to her, Will, and I wouldn't have been there to protect her. I wouldn't have been able to protect my own kid."

"Jay, you can't blame yourself. Hell, most teenagers do this stuff."

"I know, I know. It's just that her grades have been slipping slightly and I'm wondering if I should have her transfer schools." Your eyes widened as you listened to that part of the conversation. "Maybe, having her dad teach at the same school isn't helping her. She went to a party, Will. Maybe it's the kids she's meeting in class, maybe being at another school would be better for her."

"Jay, you can't make a decision like that based on one stupid decision the kid did." He knew his brother was torn up about this, so he changed the subject. "What'd Hailey say?"

"I offered to pay for her gas, but she shut me down."

"Anything else?"

Jay sighed. He knew his brother wouldn't let up. "We're going out for coffee tomorrow to grade. She said I can repay her by buying her coffee there."

"Aw, you're going on a date."

"It is not a date! It's just two coworkers working in a coffee shop together...in their off time."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that."

A few minutes later, the conversation was over and Jay walked Will out, so you made your way to your room.

One thing was for sure: you were not giving your dad another opportunity to even think about you switching schools.

It was time to grind...starting tomorrow because you desperately needed to sleep right now.

***

You woke up around 11:00 the next day, which was Sunday. Then you got up and went downstairs to eat some breakfast.

"Morning," your dad said. "I made breakfast sandwiches. There's two in the fridge if you want one...or both."

"Thanks," you said. You wanted to ask if he was still mad, but you didn't really want to have an argument right when you woke up.

But, being around teenagers all day must've given your dad a sixth sense.

"Listen, kid, I'm not mad at you if that's what you're worried about. You just... you scared me last night. If something happened to you because I couldn't protect you-- because, as a parent, it is my first responsibility to keep you safe. Anyway, if I couldn't keep you safe because I didn't know where you were, I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Can I tell you why--"

"No. As a teacher at the school, the less I know the better. I really don't want to have to tell the administration and then get kids suspended from their sports for drinking. So, all I know is that you snuck out, went to a party, and drank. I don't wanna know who else was there or whose house it was at."

"But, I--"

"Y/N, end of discussion. Now, I have to go and meet Hail-- Miss Upton, for coffee since she so graciously picked you up when you made a bad decision last night. Don't do anything stupid when I'm gone or else you will be in trouble, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it. I'm just gonna study for the SATs."

"Good idea. Be back later. I love you."

"Love you, too, Dad."

***

"...And whatever she's having," Jay said and slid over so that the barista could input Hailey's order.

"Just a grande vanilla sweet cream cold brew, please," Hailey ordered.

Jay paid and then he and Hailey waited by the other side of the counter for their drinks to be ready.

Jay laughed. "You and my daughter have the same taste. You both like vanilla sweet cream cold brews."

"I'm shocked you let her get that with the amount of caffeine in cold brew," she said.

"Eh, it's just like once a week. On my rest day when I don't have to be at school before dawn to run, I'll grab her and I something from Starbucks, and then she'll just stop by my room to get it before school starts."

"That's nice of you," Hailey mused.

"Yeah, but nothing compared to Miss I have coffee in my room for the kids and you can drink as much as you want Upton."

"If you've ever heard kids talk about how little sleep they get like I do since I teach AP classes, then you'd get why I do that, Halstead. I hear kids saying that they normally only get four hours of sleep a night because they're up so late doing homework. While I don't think they should become dependent on caffeine at such a young age and need to be getting a lot more sleep than that, they need to stay awake during school. That's also probably the reason why you and I don't give a lot of homework."

"And it's ridiculous how early school starts anyway," Jay said and grabbed their drinks off the counter.

"I'll drink to that," Hailey laughed and then poked her straw in her cold brew and took a sip.

Once they took their seats, they talked a little before starting to grade and lesson plan.

"Not to pry or anything," Hailey began, "but did you ground Y/N? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to, I'm not her parent, so I know I'm not the least bit entitled to that information."

"Well, you did pick her up when she needed help, so I'd say you are entitled to that information," Jay chuckled. "But, to answer your question, no I didn't ground her just because I was so relieved that she was home. The amount of adrenaline and cortisol that dropped in my body when I saw her get out of your car was amazing, Hailey. Thank you so much." He paused and took a sip of his cappuccino. "But, we did have a talk about how she shouldn't be doing that because it's dangerous and if something happened to her, that I wouldn't be able to help her and since I'm her parent, my first job is to keep her safe. She does know that if she sneaks out or goes to a party again, I will be grounding her, though."

"Well, you had a much different and a way better reaction than my dad did when he learned that I snuck out," Hailey muttered.

But, Jay had great hearing and heard her. He put down his coffee and furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened? You don't have to tell me anything you aren't comfortable with."

"Why did you become a teacher?" Hailey asked instead.

"Why did I become a teacher?" Jay repeated and Hailey nodded. "Well, as you know I was in the Rangers in Afghanistan and, while I was there I saw so many kids walking super far to schools or us accompanying children to school. They had to go through so much just to get to school, and I wanted to make a difference in kids' lives here Stateside. So, when I came home, I enrolled in college and got my degrees in education and a minor in history." Hailey had known that he was a veteran, which explained why he took every September 11 off, but she didn't know he became a teacher because of what he saw over there. "What about you?" he asked. "You went into social work before you became a teacher, right?"

For the past almost month and a half, the two teachers had been eating lunch together in either Hailey or Jay's classroom, and during those, they obviously talked about their experience with education and what made them want to go into the teaching field. Hailey mentioned one time that she was originally a social work major but then switched it to education. But, Jay didn't know why.

"Yeah, yeah, I was originally a social work major. But, it uh, it brought up some really bad memories and I didn't think I could handle being around that all day," Hailey answered, staring directly at her coffee.

Jay cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean? Again, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"Um, it's okay. It's a part of my past. So, why I said that you were a lot nicer to Y/N when she snuck out was because, well, when my dad found out that I did, he uh, he..." she trailed off.

Jay's gaze was soft and sad as he finished for her. "Physical?" he asked, referring to the type of abuse she had endured as a child and teenager.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Hailey, I am so, so sorry that happened to you. I'm honored that you'd tell me this."

"It's uh, it's why I give those kids my phone number in case they need help. And, at the beginning of the year, it's on my syllabus, too," she said.

"In case they need a way out, they can call you," Jay said, piecing it together.

Hailey nodded.

Jay reached across the table and gently grabbed Hailey's hand in his. "You're a good woman, Hailey Upton."

She smiled sadly and nodded, grounding herself by focusing on the feeling of Jay's hand in hers.

"Do you want to get started on grading now?" she asked after a minute had passed.

"That might be a good idea," Jay laughed. Then, he let go of Hailey's hand. But, neither of them wanted that little handhold to end.

***

One month later

God, you were in pain. You didn't wanna get out of bed; you just wanted to sleep. Hell, you needed sleep.

Over the past month, you had thrown yourself into studying. You wanted to stay at this school. You loved all your teachers and you didn't want to leave your friends, especially your best friend Emma. And, you were also scared that if you had to transfer schools, that you might not do well on your AP exams or that you'd have a bunch of other requirements that the new school had that you'd have to do the last half of your junior year and during the entirety of your senior year.

You didn't want any of that.

So, you had come up with a plan.

The day after homecoming and that next week, you studied an hour or two hours later than normal. But, you still felt that you had work to do if you didn't want your dad to transfer you at the end of the semester. So, during your study hall hour, you'd go to the teachers and ask how you could get your B+ up to an A- or your A- up to an A. You'd even review questions you got wrong on quizzes so that you could get them right when those types of questions showed up on the tests.

Yes, the teachers probably thought you were crazy because you had good grades already and were trying to be Little Miss Perfect (or they thought that you were trying to get into another scholarship bracket for college or trying to become valedictorian), but you didn't care if you looked crazy. You wanted to finish your high school career at the school you were at now.

Also during this time, you had been "going to sleep" around 10:00-11:00, which was your normal time, just so that your dad didn't get suspicious. But, what you'd actually do was sleep for an hour-ish and then get up and study more.

It started with you studying until midnight and at the latest 1:30 in the morning...and then you'd wake up five hours later at 6:30. It wasn't ideal, but you could manage. Because, since your dad went to school earlier than you, you just brought extra coffee to school and he didn't notice a thing.

But, since all the teachers wanted to get their tests in before Thanksgiving break, for the past two weeks, you had been doing your power nap thing so your dad assumed that you were asleep, and then would wake up and do homework and study until 3:00-3:30 in the morning. This meant, that during the week, you were running on just three to three and a half hours of sleep a night. And, it wasn't like you could catch up a ton on the weekend, or else your dad would get suspicious. So, you just got like seven or maybe eight hours of sleep on the weekends. So, you were constantly in a state of sleep debt and in desperate need of caffeine.

You had done the extra cup of coffee for the first two weeks, but for the past two weeks, you had been drinking two cups of coffee at your house before school and finishing the second cup at school right before classes start, but then going into Miss Upton's classroom and getting another cup of coffee. Then, you'd also get another one from her room a little after lunch. (You made sure to never go in there during her lunch period because your dad and her still ate lunch together and you didn't want him to get suspicious.) Also, sometimes you and Emma would go to Starbucks to study after school. So, lately, you had been averaging four to five cups of coffee during the week and just two on the weekends. Because, again, you couldn't have your dad getting suspicious.

And, your dad and Miss Upton ran together in the morning before school now, so you really had to be careful about what you told Miss Upton. You couldn't have her telling your dad that you were drinking a couple additional cups of coffee. You just told her that your coffee never stayed warm long enough when you brought it from home, which is why you opted for hers. And, she bought it.

To cover the bags under your eyes, you had been wearing a bit of extra foundation and cover-up. And, to make sure that your dad didn't notice at home, you'd wash off all your makeup after school, but then quickly redo the area under your eyes.

So far, he was oblivious.

But, for a week and a half, your stomach had been super achy and you couldn't stand to eat anything in the morning before you had at least one cup of coffee. So, what would typically happen was that you'd end up eating a bowl of overnight oats in your car in the school parking lot before walking inside so that your coffee had time to digest. You figured out that you were fine after that. Well, it was still achy, but not as bad as in the morning.

God, you wish you were at that point right now.

For the past five days, you've been feeling nauseous and your stomach has been achy, but in the morning, there'd be a stabbing pain before you had any coffee. You'd roll out of bed when your alarm went off and go straight downstairs to get coffee because that seemed to be the only thing--besides ibuprofen--that would alleviate the pain.

But right now, right now was the worst you had ever felt in your entire life. You felt like someone was stabbing your stomach and it wouldn't let up. You felt nauseous like you'd puke any second. And, trying to get into another position didn't help. Nothing helped.

Fuck, you had to swallow your pride and your secrecy and go tell your dad.

You needed help and you needed it now.

So, you got up. But, that just made it worse. You swallowed, trying to keep the lump in your throat and not have it go on the floor.

You whimpered and then walked a few steps and opened your bedroom door.

Then, you threw yourself on the floor and crawled across the hallway.

You held your breath as you stood up, anticipating a ton of pain--which came--when you stood up and opened the door to your dad's room.

Then, you went back on the floor and crawled in there with tears streaming down your face.

It took all your energy to whisper, "Daddy."

***

Jay blinked sleepily. He thought he heard his daughter mumble "Daddy", which she hadn't called him in years. But, then he heard it again.

He looked down and saw a figure curled up in a ball on the floor.

"Daddy, make it stop, please," you whimpered.

He quickly flicked on the light so that he could get a better look at you.

"Y/N, baby, what's wrong?" he asked quickly when he saw your tears, your face contorted in pain, and how jagged your breathing was.

"Hurts," you whimpered as more tears fell and you clutched your stomach.

He jumped out of bed and knelt down next to you. "Your stomach?" he asked urgently. You nodded. "Can you sit up?"

You nodded and leaned against his bed. But, that was a bad idea because the minute you were upright, you puked right down yourself. You groaned and pressed down more on your stomach, which just caused you to vomit more and more.

The minute you started to vomit, Jay looked at the clock. He started to soothe you by rubbing your back, but then quickly stopped and ran into the adjoining bathroom to grab the trashcan and put it underneath your mouth instead.

"There you go, there you go," he soothed as he held the trashcan with one hand and rubbed your back with the other. "Get it out. It's okay. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, Y/N."

But, when you puked for almost four minutes straight and were still in pain after, Jay knew something was seriously wrong.

"Don't get up, you'll make it worse," he said. You nodded weakly. "I'm gonna go grab you some water and Gatorade and put those and a bowl in the car. Then, we're gonna go to Med to get you checked out." You nodded again. "I'll be right back. I love you."

He gave you a quick kiss on the forehead and then sprinted off into the kitchen to grab the stuff he previously mentioned. Then, he ran outside and unlocked his car, turned it on to start heating up, put that stuff in the backseat, and sprinted back inside.

"Y/N, you still awake?" he asked when he walked back into his room.

"Mhm," you hummed with your eyes still closed and your hands still clutching your stomach.

"Okay, I'm gonna throw on a hoodie and my shoes, and then I'm gonna run into your room and grab you some shoes and a hoodie because it's pretty cold out. Are you okay here?" you nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll be right back. Don't get up."

Five minutes later, you had your shoes and hoodie on. You weren't much help getting those on; your dad basically had to dress you as if you were a baby again.

"I'm gonna pick you up and bring you to the car and we're gonna go to Med to see Uncle Will."

"Uh huh," you said, letting your dad know that you had heard him. Then, you felt yourself being lifted off the ground and soon felt the chill of the late November air and then the leather seats of your dad's truck on your back and the warmth of the truck.

"There's water and Gatorade. I want you to take a few sips," your dad said. "There's a bowl, too in case you have to puke again."

You drank a few sips of Gatorade and then laid back down and closed your eyes.

As your dad backed out of the driveway, he called Will to explain the situation and tell him that the two of you were on your way to Chicago Med.

After the call, he threw his phone into the passenger seat and reached his left hand into the backseat, and grabbed one of your hands. You gripped your dad's hand weakly as he drove as fast he could to Chicago Med.

He had to make sure that his little girl was okay.

***

"We've got a treatment room right here," Maggie said when she saw Jay sprinting into the ED with you in his arms.

She quickly led him to it and he laid you down in the bed.

Will rushed in with Natalie and April a few seconds later.

"Y/N, Y/N, can you hear me?" Natalie asked.

"Hurts," you mumbled.

"Jay," Will started, "did she puke on the way here at all?"

"No, no, she didn't. She just puked for almost four minutes straight at home and it's worse when she sits or stands up. She's been clutching her stomach since she woke up."

"Gonna- gonna--" you started to heave and a pink basin was thrust under your mouth and then you emptied the few sips of Gatorade into the basin. You started to cry even harder once you finished. "Make it stop, make it stop! Please make it stop!"

Natalie turned to your dad. "Do we have permission to administer medications?"

"Please," he answered, his voice cracking. He was terrified. He was terrified something was seriously wrong. He had never seen you in so much pain. "You have permission. Just please help her."

April pushed antinausea and pain medications as well as a light sleeping medication because it was apparent that, along with puking and being in a world of pain, you were also utterly exhausted.

"Y/N," April started, "you're going to get sleepy soon. But, can you give us your pain level on a scale of one to ten?"

"Ten. My stomach hurts at a ten," you answered while tears still ran down your face.

"Did you eat anything you weren't used to? Drink anything?"

"No, no," you panted. "Just- just lots of coffee. Not a lot of sleep. Studying."

Will and Natalie shared a look. They knew what this could be. And, at least they got it out of you now, because it was clear that the meds were starting to work and you were fading fast.

"Hun," Natalie began, "we're gonna leave April in here with you in case you get sick again. Is it okay if me, your Uncle Will, and your dad have a chat outside real quick?"

"Want my dad. Please."

Natalie smiled sadly. "Okay, he'll stay. We can talk to him later."

Your dad reached for your hand and held it and rubbed his thumb over the top while you drifted into a medication-induced sleep.

Five minutes later, you were out.

Jay looked at his brother. "What's going on? What's wrong with my kid?"

"From what she told us, it sounds like the acid in the coffee she's been drinking has been irritating her stomach lining. Has she been drinking a lot of coffee lately?" Will asked.

"Not that I've noticed. But, sometimes there's a little less in the coffee pot than I think there should be. But, even if she is drinking two cups, that can't cause this, can it?" Jay asked worriedly.

"No, two cups shouldn't. But, if she isn't sleeping a lot, sometimes lack of sleep can make people feel pretty crappy. So, if she's drinking more than her normal amount of caffeine and not sleeping, then that could be what's causing it."

"But, she goes to bed at her normal time," Jay argued.

"That doesn't mean that she's sleeping. She could be lying awake in bed. Has she seemed more tired to you?"

"No, not that I've noticed. Uh, what do I do, Will? Can't you run some tests?"

"I mean, I can run one to see if she's sleep-deprived, it's a plasma cortisol test. If her levels are elevated, that means she's not getting enough sleep. But, it wouldn't give us the reason why her stomach's hurting so bad and why she's nauseous and vomiting," Will answered.

"Then don't run the test," Jay said. "If it's not going to figure out the problem, then I don't want to put her through that. But, what do we do?"

"If it's what I think, an irritated stomach lining, then we keep her for observation for a few days, ween her off of caffeine to a healthy amount, give her antinausea and pain medications, and just wait for her to go home until she feels better," Will answered.

"Okay. I guess we wait. You mind grabbing me some coffee?"

Will laughed because they had just been talking about how you had been possibly drinking too much coffee and now Jay was asking for it. "Yeah, I can do that. My shift ends in an hour, so I'll be down here to wait with you then."

Jay smiled. "Thanks, man."

***

It was 7:30 in the morning the next day, which was Thanksgiving Day, when Jay's phone rang, waking him up. He answered it without checking the caller ID because he didn't want to disturb your peaceful sleep.

"Hello?" he asked groggily.

"Jay? Where are you and Y/N?" he heard Hailey's voice through the phone.

Shit, the Turkey Trot, he thought.

He and you always ran the Turkey Trot every Thanksgiving, sometimes dragging Will along if he didn't have to work. Then, you'd have your Thanksgiving feast later in the day. Granted, your dad had to keep pace with you for the entire time, so it really wasn't a race. But, it was a nice bonding experience, so the two (sometimes three of you) kept it up.

Jay had mentioned it to Hailey one morning when they were running the indoor track before school started, and she said she'd sometimes run it, too. So, Jay had invited her to run it with him and you, and she agreed.

You were convinced that Miss Upton and your dad were secretly dating.

But, Miss Upton had been waiting for you and your dad at the designated meeting spot for half an hour now. And, Jay Halstead was not one to be late.

"Listen, me and Y/N aren't going to be able to make it. She had some stomach issues last night and now she's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong," Jay said.

"Oh my God," she said as she started to walk away from their planned meeting spot and towards the parking garage where she parked her car. "What hospital are you at?"

"Chicago Med," Jay answered. "Why?"

"I'm gonna find someplace that's open and grab breakfast and then I'll be there."

"Hailey, you don't have to."

"Jay, I want to do this. I'll be there within the next hour."

Then, without waiting for him to protest once more, she ended the call.

***

When you woke up a few hours later, you rubbed your eyes, despite the IV in your hand, and rolled over.

"Well good morning, or almost afternoon," your uncle Will said and stood up. "How's the pain on a scale of one to ten?"

"Uh, maybe a six, seven?" you said.

But then, you looked around the room.

Why was Miss Upton here?

"I'll go get a nurse and let you three talk," Will said and then left the treatment room.

You looked at your dad and raised your eyebrows. At the same time, the achiness in your stomach started up again and you clutched it.

"Gonna be sick?" your dad asked.

"I don't know," you answered.

He handed you the pink basin anyway (a clean one because last night's was gross and went off to get cleaned) and you set it on your lap.

"Feel like you can eat anything?" your dad asked. "Hailey brought food...and coffee, but we'll have to check with the nurses about how much coffee you can drink."

"You brought it?" you asked as you looked at Miss Upton.

She smiled. "I did. I called your dad to see why you two weren't at the Turkey Trot yet, and he said you two were here, so I figured I'd find somewhere that's open and get you breakfast." She rummaged around in the bag and pulled out a container. "He mentioned you were having stomach issues so I opted for something light, so the fruit and nut oatmeal from Mcdonald's. I also grabbed a packet of syrup in case you wanted it sweeter."

She passed the food to you along with a spoon and a napkin. "Thank you," you said as you took them from her. "Sorry I messed up your run."

Hailey laughed. "It's okay. My run's the least of my problems. Me and your dad just want you to get better."

You tried to hide your smile. She said she and your dad. She cared about you more than she did other students...and you were just waiting for them to slip up and call each other babe at this point.

"Hey, I'm back," Will announced as he walked into the room. This time, he had Dr. Choi and Monique in tow. "Natalie and April have Thanksgiving off, so you have Dr. Choi as your doctor and Monique as your nurse."

You nodded.

"Hi, Y/N, I'm Dr. Choi, as your brother just mentioned. Monique here is just going to check your vitals." You nodded again. "I understand you've been having some stomach issues. Can you tell me when they started? Any changes to your diet or routine that I should know about?"

Here goes nothing.

You looked at your dad as tears formed in your eyes. "I'm sorry," you said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Your dad moved his chair closer to you and gently grabbed your hand. "Tell me what, baby?"

"I- I went to that party because--"

"Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to know why because I'm a teacher? Me and Miss Upton are both teachers."

"But I didn't go to drink at all! I hadn't even planned on drinking! I didn't even drink a drink!" you yelled, causing Monique to take a step back. You took a deep breath and turned to her. "Sorry, sorry. I'll be calm so you can do your job." After a few breaths, Monique went back to checking your vitals and you continued your story. "These two girls I know from my AP gov class asked me to come to the party to be their DD. So, I went. But, when I was there, I ate the fruit from the punch bowl and I forgot that the fruit absorbs the alcohol. I'm sorry."

"And when you realized what happened, you called Miss Upton?" your dad asked.

"Yeah," you confirmed. "And, I even made sure to give the car keys to one of the girl's boyfriends who wasn't drinking because he plays sports so that they'd get home safely."

Jay smiled slightly; he had taught you well.

"Did you keep drinking consistently after?" Dr. Choi asked. He couldn't see one drink causing all these problems.

"No, God no!" you said. But, then you clutched your stomach and took in a deep breath.

"Pain?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Yeah, it's not as bad as last night, though."

He looked to your dad. "If she wants more pain meds, will you allow it?"

"Yes," your dad answered.

"Do you want more pain meds?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Please," you answered.

So, Monique started to get the pain medication ready to go into your IV and then pushed the meds.

A few minutes later, once the medication had started to work, you continued your story.

"I heard you and Uncle Will talking," you said.

"When?" your dad asked. "Me and Uncle Will talk a lot."

"The night I snuck out. You and Uncle Will were talking and you said that you might make me transfer schools if my grades don't get better. I don't want to transfer schools, Dad."

Your dad sighed. "Kid, I was mad, but in reality, I wouldn't do that. That was just me being angry and trying to find a solution when I wasn't in the right headspace. Were you so nervous that your stomach hurt all the time?" he asked.

"No," you answered. "but, I started staying up later and doing homework."

"Really? You always seemed asleep to me."

"I'd sleep for an hour and then wake up and study more." Your dad sighed. "I'm sorry. And then I was just sleeping for like three hours, so I'd drink four or five cups of coffee a day and my stomach hurt so bad in the morning if I didn't drink any coffee, so I'd eat breakfast in my car before school."

"For how long?" your dad asked. "For how long have you been bottling this up? For how long have you been waiting to eat breakfast?"

"The stomach aches started a week and a half ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." You started to cry harder.

"Hey, hey it's okay. We know what happened now, so hopefully, Dr. Choi and everyone else here can fix it." He looked up at Dr. Choi who had been intently listening as well. "Right, Doc?"

Dr. Choi smiled. "That's right, Y/N. And, what it seems to me is that you've just been drinking too much coffee, and coupled with the lack of sleep, have had abdominal cramping and nausea due to all the caffeine irritating your stomach lining. So, what we'll do is ween your caffeine intake back down to one to two cups of coffee per day, not go cold turkey because you'll probably feel pretty crappy if we did that, and then continue giving you pain meds and antinausea meds. We'll probably keep you here a few days upstairs in a recovery room just for observation to make sure nothing else is going on."

"So, I have to spend my whole Thanksgiving break in the hospital?" you asked.

"I'm afraid so," he answered.

"Well, this sucks." You looked at the table next to Miss Upton. "Is that coffee for me?"

"It is. I don't know if you can have it, though," she answered.

"She can have it," Dr. Choi answered. "Just, no more after this one seeing as that's a large."

You nodded.

"I got you a vanilla iced coffee. Since apparently, we have the same taste because your dad said you also like vanilla sweet cream cold brews as much as me," Miss Upton said and then handed you the coffee.

"Seeing as everything looks good, me and Monique will check on you later." He turned to the three adults in the room. "If she pukes up that food or her stomach pain gets worse, come get us."

"Will do, Doc," your dad answered.

"Jay," Hailey started, "can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?"

Jay furrowed his eyebrows slightly but nodded. "Of course. Be right back, Y/N. I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad," you said.

Then, your dad and Miss Upton left the room.

Outside the treatment room, Hailey took a deep breath, grounding herself as she prepared to talk to Jay.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"For what?" Jay asked, utterly confused.

"I knew she was drinking extra coffee but didn't tell you! Well, she told me when she brought it from home, that it would get cold too fast, so she always came to my room and had two cups during the day. If I knew she was drinking some at home, too, I would've never let her have any. I'm so, so sorry, Jay!"

"Hailey," Jay began and placed his hands on her shoulders, "it's not your fault. Hell, I didn't even notice it and she's my daughter."

"I know, but I just feel slightly responsible for her being in that hospital bed--"

"It's not your fault, Hailey. I promise. I don't blame you one bit and I know Y/N doesn't either."

Meanwhile, back in the treatment room, you really needed to use the bathroom.

"Uncle Will?" you asked, causing him to look up from his phone where he was trying to figure out what restaurants were open for dinner on Thanksgiving. He really didn't want him and his family eating hospital cafeteria food for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Hmm?" he hummed and gave you his full attention.

"I really need to go to the bathroom," you told him.

He pocketed his phone and stood up and moved over to you. "Okay, I'm gonna help you up and with one arm, I'll hold on to you and with the other, I'll hold onto the IV pole for you. Is that okay?" You nodded. "Do you think you'll need help in the bathroom? I can grab a nurse if you need me to," he offered.

"No, just help me to the bathroom, please. I should be good when I get in there."

"Okay." Then, he helped you up and the two of you made your way over to the bathroom where he stood and waited while you went inside.

Back with Hailey and Jay, Jay reassured Hailey once again that none of this was on her.

"If anything," Jay began, "I should be thanking you. You got Y/N home safe after that party."

"Jay, we've been over this. I would've done it for any one of my students," she said.

"But, would you take their dad up on their offer of buying you coffee if it wasn't my kid you picked up?" Jay asked and tilted his head to the side.

"Probably not," Hailey said, a blush rising to her cheeks.

"Can I ask why?" She stayed silent. "Listen, Hailey, it's been a long time since I've seen you as just a fellow teacher," Jay admitted.

She looked up at him. "Since we're all sharing secrets today, it's been a long time since I've seen you as a fellow teacher, too, Jay."

Jay smiled and moved a piece of her hair behind her ear. He leaned in. "Can I?" he asked.

He didn't get a response because she quickly pressed her lips against his. It was the kiss she had been waiting for since she asked him to eat lunch with her that first week of school.

You and your uncle Will had chosen that exact time to make your way back to your treatment room. You two had seen everything: your dad putting a strand of Hailey's hair behind her ear and them leaning in and kissing.

You were glad that one of your hands was free because you whacked Will across the chest in excitement.

It was finally happening!

Jay and Hailey pulled away and looked at each other and smiled.

"I uh, I hope that was okay," Hailey said quietly.

"Oh, it was more than okay. I'd happily do that again, but we should probably get back into Y/N's room. She's probably wondering what's taking us so long," Jay said.

Hailey laughed. "Probably."

The two turned around and saw you and Will standing thirty feet away. Jay's eyes widened. "Uh..." he trailed off as Hailey blushed hard.

"Finally!" you exclaimed.

"Yeah, I agree with Y/N on this one," Will laughed. "But, who would've thought? A government teacher and an English teacher?" He started to help you walk back to your treatment room but turned his head back to Jay and Hailey. "Oh, don't stop on our account."

"Will!"

A/N: hank you guys so, so, so much for reading! Again, please remember to like/reblog and comment because I love reading all your comments and seeing that you liked/reblogged because that means you enjoyed reading the imagine! Again, I am donating all my proceeds on buy me a coffee until the end of AU-gust to Save The Children to help the children in Afghanistan. Buy me a coffee here.

As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’d be happy to add you!

Taglist: @theambracer88@virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

[fullmtal]

                 EDWARD ELRIC OF FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST                   EST. MAY 2021, studied by lily, 25+ she/her.

      ‘ the story of brilliant icarus and his triumphant return to the sun. ‘

THIS BLOG NOW USES BETA EDITOR.

1. i will not write with anyone below the age of 18. i am here to write with friends, close mutuals and selective on fandom pals. safe to say i will be highly selective in general. 

2. i am not unfamiliar at all with fullmetal alchemist, as it is at the top of animanga for me in terms of storytelling in that field, and i have seen both 2003 and the canon / manga-based brotherhood of 2009. my portrayal will be /primarily/ based off of first and foremost the manga / brotherhood. that hardly means i won’t be reblogging /  reviewing 03 as i love both.

 i will reblog / write 03 content / have an 03 verse / conqueror of shamballa too, but you’ll 97 percent of the time see fma:b content! i do love them both!

also, i will be incorporating own personal headcanons, as i will sprinkle them into writing.

3. pinned posts / asks / headcanons / were made by saphyrus . please don’t steal. my psds i used years ago, so i don’t know the sources on tumblr anymore, but the psd coloring is #4 from animeresources and a mix of idclwyld  and the blockquote editing was done by belacedia. do not steal or imitate. manga psd by @acgorecs​ . and second psd template by @farginen​ !

4. the usual rules of basic decency apply. no transphobia, homophobia, bigotry, discrimination, petty drama wars or problematic behavior or you know, not being humane or at least practicing humanity. if i see it i’m hard-blocking and not looking back. i have no time for that, frankly, and won’t have it here whatsoever. 

5. shipping is not the focal point as most of the series edward is underage.  i generally tend to follow the canon ending for him, which i will not force, but his relationship with winry, who he harbors feelings for is pretty blatantly the person he is interested in, and the one who i can see most involved with him in terms of a romantic relationship, due to how natural it feels writing wise and how subtle it is also. if you don’t ship it that’s fine with me just respect my preferences / how the story unfolds as i do tend to follow canon for fma manga.

this does not mean if a winry interacts with me that it starts with romantic implications on my edward’s end. 

IMPORTANT: in terms of shipping with winry i will only do romantic threads / relationships with her with with a lot of development and not just every winry in sight, i have to have a connection and a shared vision with the mun.  i really want to interact with every fma chara good OR bad. not just the ones that make his life better. but worse, too.

so, basically, that is the character that ed has feelings for, both in canon and in my portrayal. shipping obviously, is neither this blog nor edward’s priority, all the same. i don’t really see this changing, as like i said, the priority is not to ship but to explore edward’s whole entirety of relationships, and as of now i am ship exclusive with a winry as is, but every type of bond is absolutely welcomed here!

6. i am first observe then see if i click with a character. for example, my only request is have it make sense. edward for example is a literal prodigy, a genius in a 1 to 5 ratio in ten million people on the planet. it would not make much sense if every person had lightning fast speed / skill like edward or his brother do to just magically do things just for the sake of them being op or having power.

 i want both the surreal and i want realism in my writing and in who interact with, and also respect of the cast who has a wide variety of skills and intelligences unique to them just as important as edward himself!

this does not mean i won’t interact with them, by any stretch, i just want substance, and quite frankly i think ocs are just as canon as ‘public ocs’ aka edward who is arakawa’s oc lbr! for any character tl;dr? have it make sense, especially considering how rare alchemists of ed and alphonse’s character are and that is entirely narratively intentional. they are on an entirely different level by canon in intelligence, capability, adaptability etc. tl;dr they’re v talented and one is a gremlin unfortunately. but! they are still only 15-14 most of the story so that’s something also to keep in mind. one thing i love about fullmetal alchemist is that no one is impervious to well, anything! so i really do like reading about characters with verses for it or are handmade which i have massive respect for. you do your thing!

7. on that note do not underestimate edward by any means. due to being a genius / prodigy, but above all his sheer willpower and ability to learn at a lightning speed, he is an absolute threat despite his youth and has proven it by passing  the state alchemist exam as only a child, just as much as it implies his intelligence by coming close to the truth at the gate as an even younger child, though at a price for his hubris.

he is constantly improving and learning, both in martial arts and in alchemical abilities. there is a giant list in a giant sea of reasons why edward is not normal in terms of his skills and abilities / intelligence but we’ve all seen the series. yes he can be a goof, a comedic hero, but never underestimate the infinite potential / ability he can acquire. that said i will never disrespect your muses abilities either!!! equal footing in partnership of writing imho! basically...

 things that others might learn in a week he may learn in a day or two hours.

8. if i don’t see us mixing well rp wise, i may unfollow to keep things organized, and while these rules are blunt and to the point? i am never against having castmates / people from the fma rpc. my goal and role here is to explore edward in all his flaws, strengths, and in-betweens, and not sugar-coat or step away from realism and development as he grows in my writing and from the story of fullmetal alchemist itself.

9. i don’t genuinely take mains unless we click and i usually make tags for relationships without having a requirement for mains / exclusives. say i have an alphonse i really can’t see myself interacting with another? doesn’t mean i’ll be exclusive because you never know what’s ahead. so i will only do mains and very rarely, say a close friend, an exclusive. 

i am not possessive and you’re welcome to write with all kinds and i’ll always if we’re mutuals be here on the sidelines rooting! if you don’t want to be mains and still want a tag? hey i can do that because tag making is fun and we still can make fun things together! tell me all about your muse!

10. on different portrayals. i generally do not follow as a rule, as while i do not have any desire for competition and view all duplicate / variations of different eds as equal like we all should, i do want to keep my own portrayal and others separate. if i follow you it’s likely that i have talked to you or are familiar with you, and nothing more.

it isn’t a very common occurrence, but that hardly means i dislike you or wanting to vie for dumb competitive spots. i’m just here to have fun, just like any edward, and like any portrayal, some are more others cup of tea than others and that should be /respected/ and not judged. basically if you write ed too? awesome! i might not follow but i sure as hell am glad he’s so loved.

11. due to the absurdly massive trauma edward has faced, and as someone who has her own and empathizes / is working on research on things i don’t know!, as i’m sure we all can see some of ed or any character in us a lil bit, (!)   so i do not take these subjects lightly though i do not know all of them, there will be dark themes present so please keep yourself comfortable okay? edward suffers from severe post traumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorder, anxiety attacks / nightmares and survivor’s guilt, self-hatred and repressive behaviors and the exploration of grief in unhealthy / unaddressed ways as well as anger and pain. 

again, please read at your own discretion. edward is packed with trauma and grief and heartache, and i will not sugarcoat that for anything but approach it with the respect our fullmetal pipsqueak deserves! 

12. promo graphic by @7theaven check her out!  profile page picture by @kazeoto​ ! theme coding by @farginen​ / my girl cherry! bio banner and theme icon also by cherry! go follow them, my mutuals are p neat! 13. if you got this far thanks for reading! please leave a like only if you want  if you did it helps me know that my rules have been read but it isn’t a endgame mandatory thing. otherwise a head’s up works too, or if you’re shy, don’t worry about it all. hope to have fun writing with you! take care of yourself ok? seriously thank you so much for reading! - lily!

                                      ​

​

[a-lil-perspective]

I have been silent for some time now. I have refrained from exhibiting any plaguing thoughts that might warrant me the label of “that person”, but I’m at the point where I’ve had my fill.

Ramble under the cut so as to not... offend or inconvenience anyone. There’s absolutely no obligation to read this. It’s Tumblr. You can block/ignore me. The option to do so is readily accessible.

I’ve been a Bad Batch fan since day one. While I didn’t start creating that very same day, it was relatively close. Point being, I’m a long-time dedicated fan. As the premiere to their series draws closer, I feel like there is going to be a great shift, rift here. That being said, I figured now is as good a time as any to make this post.

I love those boys beyond words. They’ve been the one constant in my life amidst a rapid and debilitating change. I love getting to give them life, even if my interpretations aren’t the most accurate.

Yes, I am a new Writer and yes, I am new to Tumblr, as I am sure both of those things are painfully apparent.

I get that it is impossible to please everyone. It’s something I’m learning more and more with each passing day. It’s something that gets harder to swallow, even more so.

I’d like to say that being here has been a largely positive experience, with all of these great connections and opportunities. But honestly? It’s been more isolating than anything. I’ve actually never felt more isolated than since I joined a year ago.

As a content creator or even just a general blogger, I don’t ask for much. I don’t ask for anything, in fact. I consider myself very low maintenance. I don’t demand/harass/play the martyr for reblogs. I have never mentioned it once, and never will. Some people on here are so damn passive-aggressive about it, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. It’s very stigmatizing. While I completely understand the frustration surrounding the like-to-reblog ratio, I think it’s neither tasteful nor reputable to threaten to call people out for not reblogging your fics. I wish I could say I was joking on that one. But I’ve seen it profoundly. Not cool.

And yet, no one says anything or raises any concern there.

Yet I make metas, harmless rambles, and I get shot down? Seriously?

—I need to “chill”, it’s “overkill”, I’m “overthinking”. I and my content are apparently just so damn arduous to interact with.

If you don’t like me, please just move on. There are plenty of other Bad Batch creators for you to enjoy. You know that. My work is absolutely not the final say, and I’ve never claimed it to be.

What is so wrong, with sharing one’s thoughts? Why do people inherently have a problem with other’s creative efforts? I see it time over again. Why do I feel like if I was making a bunch of smutty posts it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, that it in fact would be infinitely more welcome? (Absolutely NO shade to people who create smut, okay? I’ve made my own share. I admire those bold enough to do so regularly. I absolutely love them. Please teach me your ways).

This ramble really has nothing to do with the most recent event regarding my contributions. Rather, it’s a culmination of experiences over the past several months that have brewed and festered to the point where I can no longer keep downplaying it.

Social media, at its core, is one big popularity contest. It always has been, it always will be. But I’m not here to win. That’s never been my objective. That’s not what I’m about. Surprise (or not), I am not a popular blog. Not by a long shot. I’ll never claim otherwise.

I don’t ask people to view/interact with my content, I’m not an activist, I can’t even fathom exuding that kind of confidence. Even though I, admittedly, crave it. I suspect I crave interaction as much as the next creator. It’s a nice feeling. Yet there’s never been any obligation for it, especially with me, so I don’t understand what the problem is. As I’ve said, there are ample ways for you to block/avoid me. It’s the internet. In this day and age, there’s no excuse for viewing anything you don’t want to.

I came here in the hopes of finding like-minded individuals, uplifting and interacting, and exercising some otherwise stunted creativity.

All Tumblr as taught me is that creating and contributing is largely a thankless, empty endeavor. You can give and give and give and be reduced to nothing. There’s a profound imbalance between “giving” and “receiving”, and in regards to both ends of the scale, it’s became apparent to me that if you don’t cater heavily and in unreasonable degrees or get “noticed” by a popular blog, you get nothing, and your efforts are null and void.

Truthfully? I constantly feel like I walk on eggshells here, and it’s all I can do to not crack under the pressure, even though it’s my blog and my headspace. I should feel comfortable and free to express myself here, and I don’t, and I’m unsure of how to achieve that sense of stability. To be completely honestly I feel like a constant bother and a nuisance. When I post, I literally feel like there is a collective eye-roll that comes with people receiving a notification from my blog. Even though I know, rationally, that can’t be true, that’s an absurd level of thinking. I can’t say I can pinpoint exactly where it stems from.

But regardless: I hardly ever talk about/create the things I actually want. I only recently just got ballsy enough to share some metas, and we all know how well that’s going. I try not to have smut out of respect for my asexual/minor mutuals, even though the tag to blacklist is very much an option. I try not to bring up conflicting topics, Tumblr, political, or otherwise, even though with proper tagging I could. But I try not to even bring that into existence. Even though it’s my right to, I don’t.

I don’t actually feel like I fit into any narrative here, especially in the Bad Batch fandom; even though we are all basically the same steadfast group of bloggers. We all know who we are. We all coexist in the same space. It’s nearly impossible to be unaware of each other, at this point.

And yet, I’m not in a bunch of Discord servers or backed by a team of beta readers and all that jazz. It’s basically just me talking to myself out here. It’s very isolating.

Part of that—most of it���is my own crippling social anxiety, and the genuine belief that I don’t deserve to be in the same space/servers as all of these brilliant creators. Because I’m just me, and there’s not a whole lot of value there. With that mindset, it’s hard to actually feel like I belong anywhere. I know that is a mindset I have to conquer alone.

My excitement over my creations has largely dwindled into nothing. I seldom ever bounce my ideas off of others—another issue that stems from the fear of presenting as a burden—and even though I try to write for myself, even that fire has pretty much died out. I’m not even sure how or if I could even reignite it, at this point. It’s really quite sad. It makes me very sad, actually. All I wanted was to safely ramble, project all my thoughts and creativity that has otherwise been repressed through prolonged detrimental circumstances.

More than anything, I wanted to find and hold onto something that makes me feel useful, meaningful, happy. More and more I wonder if that’s even possible. I don’t think it is, not here. I often wonder if joining and sharing on Tumblr was a horrible mistake. I miss the innocent joy of when I first started creating. It was so simple. I’m trying to find that simplicity again.

But I’m burned out. I’m running on fumes. I have been for some time.

At this point it goes beyond just “taking a break” from Tumblr. It’s the fact that it all feels like this meaningless, monotonous cycle. I wonder every day if I am an isolated case in experiencing these emotions.

And yet, come tomorrow I will still be here, business as usual.

I’m not asking for sympathy or playing the victim or attacking anyone or trying to guilt-trip into more interaction. I am very aware of my shortcomings and incorrect mindsets. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I feel very disconnected from everyone here and it’s lonely. This took a lot for me to share. I will most likely delete this because anxiety will eat me up, as it does with everything I post. Yes, everything.

[ddejavvu]

hi daisy, ur so nice and lovely, and i adore your writing, i rlly look up to u, so i want to know if u have any tips/advice for me getting into writing fanfic and posting it. i feel really embarrased about getting into this but ik that this is something i wanna do and that embarasment im feeling is just bc i dont now ppl irl who read fanfic or anything so ya anyway sorry !! what im trying to say is im struggling to get started, and am discoraged by the fact that i may not get good feedback on my writing, so any tips and/or advice , i would appreciate it sm !!! <33

(also you probably wont recognise me but im just on anon for comfort bc im so bad at social interaction nsdkfj </3 /lh)

babe ofc i recognize you only one person sends me messages with tone tags but you don't have to come forward i won't expose you 😌

i'm glad you enjoy my writing, and I'm glad that you enjoy my presence here too!! i'd love to give you advice, because you're not wrong, it's difficult to get started!!

the hardest thing to get over at first is the stigma around fanfiction!! it's really not something that's very outwardly common, of course tumblr is a safe space but people outside of it can be assholes! please just remember, fanfiction is not only a great way to start writing, but it's an excellent way to improve your writing, and grow with it!! you work with predetermined and pre-exposed characters and a defined setting, and of course you're taking creative liberties with the confines of the scenario and with their character, but you're able to cast away some of the burden of major character building to focus on the little things!! you're able to work with characters that you love, and it helps you fine-tune the more advanced areas of your writing because you don't need to focus on the worldbuilding! ignore what people have to say about it, i swear to god people will criticize fanfiction for being cringey and delusional and then watch porn and imagine themselves in the scenario.. like.. babe that's the same thing.. just ignore them!!

the advice that i usually give when people are scared of not getting feedback is to make sure that you're liking what you're writing! if you write something because you think other people will like it, and then it doesn't get as big as you wanted it to, you'll be discouraged. but if you write something that you think you will like, even if it doesn't get as big as you wanted it to, you'll still have it for you!!! just remember, growth doesn't have to be linear (don't get discouraged if you rack up 80 notes one day and only 30 the next, it doesn't mean you won't ever get 80+ again), and don't ever discredit your work just because not a lot of people are seeing it at first! you still wrote it, whether it was 200 words or 20,000, you wrote that and no one can take that away from you just because they don't see it

i will say though, tumblr has a difficult feedback system. the ratio of likes to reblogs can be absolutely atrocious at times (41:0 and 289:3 might be my worst), and it hurts sometimes that people don't seem to want Your Thing on Their Blog, y'know? But i guarantee you once you get a good reblog/review/piece of feedback, it's like meth. those reviews are literally good enough to break you out of that funk!! i hope you get lots of those :D

it's hard work, writing on tumblr. if not for the act of writing itself, but for the act of putting yourself out there and not knowing what you'll receive. it's a brave thing to do, and i hope it goes well for you!! if you are who i think you are i'll definitely keep an eye on your blog and make sure to check out whatever you end up posting!

[tswaney17]

so I maybe found IDBTWY (i hope i put the letters in the right order my brain is so slow HAHAHAHA) on ao3 and binged all of it (+ the prequels) last night and WOW😩🥵🤩🥰!! It was beyond amazing! You are an incredible writer and the whole story was so engaging and well balanced (the angst:fluff ratio 😤👌🥵) and I COULD NOT STOP READING PLEASE IT WAS SO GOOD??? This should not be allowed I am not okay and how dare you release something THIS GOOD😩🥰!!!! You are SO TALENTED I love this story sm please I can’t believe you’re letting us read this for free TYSM☺️💛. Something about Elriel AUs just hits different and this one >>>>?? NEXT LEVEL! I loved it so much please I just wanna reread immediately but I will wait until I have enough time to reread here and give you the praise and appreciation and hype that you deserve because this story is INCREDIBLE. Truly. I AM OFFICIALLY A (n even bigger) TSWANEY17 STAN😌😌💛💛!! Because I remember you def also wrote Across the Hallway which is ✨burned into my head✨ because I’ve read it so many times I’m not even sorry😌😌😌. Definitely my comfort story too, everything about it is so warm🥰🥰 (except for that very smutty chapter😈)!!! As you can tell I’m definitely not the writer here🤣. But I hope I managed to convey at least a little bit of my gratitude and appreciation for you and your writing🥰🥰. You’re amazing and I think IDBTWY has dethroned and replaced Across the Hallway as my fav Elriel fic because I am HOOKED😌😩😭!! TYSM for writing it and I’m so glad I found it💛💛💛

P.S. No pressure at all, but I was just wondering if you had a schedule for updates? Just so I remember when to pop back but all good if not🥰)

P.P.S. I was already convinced the story was CHEFS KISS TOP NOTCH but then you made Cassian and Elain sing Exile🥺🥺. A Taylor Swift stan and your name is Taylor too I am crying!!🥰🥰🥰🥰

Oh my god...

This is... I just... 🥺🥺🥺

I have no words for how incredibly wonderful it felt to read this. I'm totally not going to be able to express myself well enough for you to understand how much my heart swelled to get this.

LITERAL TEARS IN MY EYES!!! 😭😭

I feel like I say this all the time, but I never expected to get the kind of reaction I have over this fic. Here I was, just a random newbie to the writing world (at least for public consumption), and to get the amount of amazing and responsive feedback I've gotten has just been astronomical to me. You are the reason I push myself to continue and improve my writing. I seriously cannot say thank you enough, but truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Across the Hallway was my first baby. It was this random idea that I just needed to get out and when I look back on it (knowing that it needs A TON of edits), I can't help but smile at how far I've come. IDBTWY has been an absolute joy to write (yes, even when everyone yells at me to just make them kiss and to stop hurting them 😈).

I can't say I blame you for letting IDBTWY dethrone ATH, because, in my heart, it has too. I don't usually give myself kudos or talk about things I've done that make me proud, but this fic is one of the proudest things I've ever accomplished (-ish, since it's not done yet).

As for a schedule, I tend to post every other week - but I'm not always successful. Life gets busy, ya-know? For notifications, you can always subscribe to my fic blog (I only reblog snippets and actual fics, nothing else so it's not obnoxious), @tswaney17fics. Or you can subscribe to my ao3 account as well. Those will probably be the best options for keeping up with my posts.

I am a HUGE TSwift fan! I had the idea of Elain and Cash singing Exile together for months before that part came out. It just hit me as Elriel, especially in this fic. But more ironically, my last name also begins with "Sw", so we're almost the same person… 😬 (A girl can dream right??)

Anyways, this answer has become ridiculously long, so to summarize, THANK YOU x1000000000000000000! It truly meant everything to read this. 💙💚���

[pa-panda-heroes]

hey! i'm a new mha blog and i just wanted to ask for writing tips? nothing specific, just do's and don'ts? please don't feel obligated to respond aha 😽 thanks anyway ♥️

WOAH HI!! I’m- omg- I feel so honored to be asked for advice ;μ; I’m still a relatively new mha blog myself actually!!

First off, would you care to share your url with me? I’d love to check you out if you’re already up and running!

Honestly, I’m really bad at giving advice haha. You might have already seen these but I hope I can still help. And I try to avoid “do’s and don’ts” advice typically because everyone’s style is different, so here are things that aren’t really regarding writing style/structure if that’s what you meant.

Do’s:

I know everyone says this, but have fun! Enjoy what you write! Write what makes you happy, and what inspires you. It’s your hobby and you should enjoy it.

Make some rules! If there’s a subject/character/etc you’re not comfortable with writing, be sure to state that! Also pertains to character limits! 95% of the time people respect rules and are super understanding, so don’t be afraid to make some. It’s your blog after all.

Take breaks when you need to!! I can’t stress this one enough. And I’m not telling you to take breaks because “your writing can suffer” or what a lot of people feel like. I mean so that you can take care of yourself mentally and physically. Don’t burn yourself out, and make sure to eat and drink and constantly check your posture + move around! I have spine+hip issues, so sometimes i have to take a break because my back hurts (and other days I can’t sit and write much because I’ve done other things that aggravate my back before I even have time to write).

This one’s kind of a personal “thing” of mine, but try to finish one work (not in one sitting unless it’s small scale) before moving onto another. Personally, it takes much longer for me to finish two works going back and forth than it would if I did them individually. Although, I know inspiration strikes when it wants to, so this isn’t a major issue but a good habit to get into, I think!

Try to be comfortable with infrequent or minimal feedback. This one’s kind of sad, but there is a disproportionate ratio of likes to reblogs for a lot of people lately, and a lot of the times those reblogs don’t give feedback. (I’m luck enough that several of my followers are sweet enough to leave replies and write in the tags of their reblogs, so I’m thankful for that <3 But I’ve seen a lot of writers get very little.)

When/If requests are running thin, you can always come up with your own idea(s) for something to write. You don’t have to be asked for content and wait on people hand and foot. If there’s something you want to write but it hasn’t been requested, write it anyway! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Don’t:

Don’t focus too much on notes and follows! Yes, I know as writers we tend to yearn for validation and acceptance. But sometimes we obsess over it, and it affects us negatively - even if we don’t realise. It’s not healthy to constantly graze through our notifications and end up disappointed if we see minimal or no numbers. I guess this kind of relates to the 5th “do” that I listed? Anyway, what I’m saying is, don’t let it discourage you and stop you from writing.

Don’t be afraid to turn requests down if you take requests/recommendations! Sometimes we get one... and it just doesn’t click. That’s okay! People have different minds, and different ideas. Sometimes we don’t share those ideas or interests, or sometimes we just can’t find any inspiration for a particular thing. There is nothing wrong with this! It’s perfectly normal.

Try not to bury yourself in your comfort zone. Trying something new is a great way to broaden our horizons(is that the phrase?), learn new interests, and expand our skill. I’m not saying force yourself to do anything you don’t want to. I’m just saying if you’ve ever thought of a prompt/genre/etc. that you’ve never done and thought, “hmm... maybe,” you should definitely try it when you’re ready!

If you’re a strictly NSFW blog, please try not to let minors interact+follow you! Check their bio (idk what it’s called oof) and see if their age is there. If it is and they’re a minor, it would probably be best blocking them. You have to be cautious because there’s been a lot of discourse in the fandom about minors sneaking into adult spaces and whatnot (you’ve probably seen it but I thought I’d put this here just in case!)

On that note (sort of), don’t be afraid to interact with other blogs, SAFELY that is, by reblogging their works (and leaving feedback!) or sending asks. I’m still not quite in the habit of this because I’m pretty shy and most times I only have time to write my own things rather than read others’, but it’s a great way to make friends and get into the community. (I am NOT saying you should talk to bigger blogs just to get noticed!! Do not do that!! Just make friends if you’re open to it!)

Don’t let people tell you what to put on your own blog. If you would rather stray from posting discourse, politics, ships, etc, it is your blog and you have every right to do so. If you feel the opposite and want that on your blog, post it! It’s your blog, don’t let anyone pressure or bully you about what’s in your blog.

[angst-fairygodmother]

Hey there angel! I was just wondering how long it took for you to start getting followers and reads and such? Like I’m not doing this for the clout or whatever, but it is a tad bit disheartening, so i was just curious. I absolutely love you and your writing!

Hi Lovely,

First, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad you enjoy my writing! 😊

I totally get that disheartening feeling of not getting notes or followers, especially if you’ve written something you really love personally. ♥ Just remember that every person’s journey is going to be a little different and not to compare yourself to others too much. 

That said, I will tell you, I started this blog at the end of March this year, and other than a few friends who followed me because we had interacted on my main blog, it took me a while to start building up a follower base. In mid-June, I still only had about 40 followers. And a lot of those followers weren’t very engaged, so even though there were 40 of them I would get maybe 10 or 20 notes on a fic if I was lucky. I had a really sudden spike in July, which lines up with TUA fandom really rising from the dead in anticipation of season 2, and again the first week or so of August. 

So it took about six months to get where I’m at, which is still pretty small for a writing blog (I have less than 200 followers, people I know that are considered “average” have around 500) and a lot of that was luck with timing. 

I can also say, unfortunately or fortunately depending on your feelings toward the matter, what kind of fic you write affects your follower counts. The biggest jumps in followers I had all at once happened right after I posted smut or smut-lite fics. Those aren’t really my comfort zone, or typical for me so a lot of people that followed me on account of those, are probably going to be disappointed and may drop back off, when they realize most of my content isn’t what they followed for, I don’t know.

As far as engagement from the 180 people, it’s a lot of likes without a lot of reblogs, comments, feedback, participation in ask games which is pretty common. Lots of people have talked about how the like:reblog ratios are skewed so I won’t go into that, I’m sure you’ve heard it already. Really, I went from being shocked if I got a request or comment every week or two to getting multiple messages a day literally in the past week. I don’t think I did anything differently than I have been, so I don’t know what the secret is there. Maybe someone else can tell us both. 

TLDR: It took me ~6 months and leaving my writing comfort zone to build up followers with the aid of lucky timing and release of new source content. It will probably take you a while. Don’t let it get you down. 

Side Note: I picked up a hate following (or at least one dude who REALLY wanted me to quit and kept sending me anons, never cared enough to figure out which) before I had much of an actual readership, but I am led to believe this is atypical. 

[sheikah]

hit me with some gooooood jonerys recs! any trope, any type, any canon. whatever you like— i’m sure i will too!

Hey my love! I’m happy to give you some recs and honored you trust my taste haha. I want to start this post off saying that I don’t read enough fanfic, and for that I am sorry. I am hoping that once I stop stressing about finishing writing my own fic, I will have some headspace to read more. Regardless, here are some fics I know and love, or know my friends know and love and am 100% sure are worth your time. I hope you like them!!

Literally anything by @muttpeeta. Everyone reading this is rolling their eyes because they saw it coming since I am a weird Amy fangirl and she is my favorite Jonerys fic writer :’) The first thing I ever read by her was The “Bittersweet Between My Teeth” so I’m biased toward and it’s one of my faves. It’s a boatsex and then partial s8 fic, but so perfectly done. Her currently ongoing multichapter “You Can Never Be Mine” is like a legend in the fandom and PRIME angst. Premise is Dany growing up as a ward at Winterfell, betrothed to Robb, but falling in love with Jon instead. READ THE THING! You can read the rest of her Jonerys fics here.

Another fave fic author is @iane-casey. She’s written a few really steamy one-shots that you can check out here. “Burning” is especially good.

Another I’ve been wanting to catch up on is “A Wolf in the Sand” by @notpmahlem. A really beautifully written canon-divergent AU that diverges in s6. I also like her one shot written for Secret Santa, “Unwrapped.” Her style is so pleasant to read and you can see the rest of her Jonerys fics here.

You should also check out work by her good friend and absolute sunshine @jalenmara. Their collab fic “Written in the Scars of this Heart” is a modern bodyguard AU where Dany is a supermodel. Read it! I also love her figure skating AU “Snowstorn - On Ice!” inspired by Tessa and Scott (you know I’m trash for them). Her other fics here.

I’m really excited about this new fic by the lovely @thescarletgarden1990, “Fated Allegiance.” It’s an arranged marriage AU! That’s my shit! Scarlet’s stuff is awesome and she is such a sweetheart in every way. Her other Jonerys fics are here.

Can I recommend human beings for being perfect? Because if so I would have to recommend @adecila. She is literally the nicest person I’ve met on tumblr, and a hugely supportive member of this fandom. She comments on almost every fic, long, detailed, ENCOURAGING comments. She betas for people. She reblogs people’s content. And she still writes her own stuff! And it’s good! Check out her modern AU, “Inevitable.” Her other fics here.

For more awesome modern AUs, read stuff by @kiyasama​ like “Eye of the Storm” and “Shadows.” More here.

Another beautiful canon-ish fic is by my friend and love @ktwrites. Check out “Are You Still Awake” for adorable snippets of boatsex and beyond, and her other fics here.

I also have to recommend this really cool apocalyptic AU by @xxthewolvenstormxx called “The Burnt World.” Such a cool concept and a really interesting ongoing fic! Her other fics here.

Next up is the adorable modern AU “Illegal and Inconvenient” by @ladyofdragonstone. The premise is that Dany is an immigrant facing deportation who needs to marry someone to stay in the country ;’) Check out Juli’s other fics here.

“The Prince She Was Promised” by @lareinadecorazones is an awesome, angsty fic canon AU where Dany is in an arranged marriage with someone else but has an affair with Jon. This is my shit!! Her other fics here. 

For a really great fic version/novelization of s7, check out “A Conversation at Dragonstone” by @christah88

Another amazing multi-chapter is “Held Captive” by @fierypen37. Good action, really addictive, and her writing style is lovely! Check out her other work here.

For more canon divergent AU goodness check out “Across the Sea” by @lawonderlandwriter​. Unfinished by great! Her other works here.

If you like the idea of sexy cowboy Jon then I command you to immediately read “Thumbprint Scar” by @frostbitepandaaaaa. Such a pretty fic with lush descriptions. I love it! Her other fics here.

For an epic canon AU, check out “The Prince Next Door” by @jaqtkd. It’s another great fic with Jon and Dany growing up together. For more of her work go here.  

For lots of yummy smut check out stuff by my love @tomakeitbeautifultolive. A favorite is “The Storm that Stalked the Shadow.” More here.

“The Golden Ratio” by @zavocado​, in which Dany is an art student who appreciates Jon Snow’s ass. Good stuff. More here.

My buddy @callmedewitt​ has a really cool band AU “This Love is Forbidden.” More of his stuff here.

Another awesome s8 fic is “How We Heal” by @justwandering-neverlost. You should also check out her collab with @ashleyfanfic, “Legends of Winter’s Peak.” It’s a multi-chapter, multi-ship AU with Jonerys, Gendrya, and Robbaery. JW’s other fics here.

Speaking of @ashleyfanfic, check out her Eros and Psyche remix, “I Am A Man On Fire, You A Violent Desire.” Ashley is a very prolific author in the fandom and you can check out her other fics here. If you like them, consider helping her out by donating here for her surgery.

For more awesome smut, check out pretty much anything by @meisiesmut​, who has a lot of favorite fics in the fandom. I especially like “You Heard Me. Take. It. Off.” which is a modern AU of Jon and Dany as horny professors. As a horny professor I have to appreciate it hahaha. Meisie’s other works are here.

I have to plug myself really quick because I promise I will finish my own multi-chapter, “Say You’ll Remember Me,” soon. I’m actually proud of this fic and all the work that has gone into it. It’s a canon divergent AU where Dany flies Drogon to the Wall after the Sons of the Harpy attack in the fighting pits.I also like the modern AU I wrote where Jon and Dany are summer camp counselors, “Happy Campers.” Some of my other fics make me cringe nowadays, but you can read them here.

Here are just an assortment of other fics and authors I love:

“On the Knees of My Heart” by @thefairfleming ​

“Ocean Breathes Salty” by @puke-silver ​

“Supernova” by @misshoneywheeler ​

“A Song for Dragons” by @doublehex ​

“Stay Awhile” by @smoldany

“When You Least Expect It” by @enygma0710

“Transcendent” by @phoebemaybe

“Now You See Me” by @daenerys1417

“Remember the Time” by @northernlights37 and @noordinarylines

“time is a tender enemy” by @magalimoons

“Prophecy” by @ariannenymerosmartell

I’m sorry if anyone was excluded. I promise it wasn’t intentional. This took awhile and I did my best to try to include lots of different people and stories! I love this fandom so much and want to give as much exposure and love to our fic writers as possible. You guys truly are the best

[mittensmorgul]

Do you think it's better for views/comments/kudos to post a fic one chapter at a time or wait until it's finished and post the whole thing at once? I don't want to overwhelm readers with a lot at one time but I also wonder if it encourages audience engagement more if i take away the uncertainty of "am i going to get invested in this only to have the author not update?"

I’m gonna be completely honest here... I... personally... don’t really pay much attention to hits/kudos/comments. They’re nice, and I like getting “You have kudos!” emails and literally save every last one of them (I have a gmail folder called KUDOS where I stash them and weep about it occasionally), and I hoard comments like some sort of deranged dragon, but worrying about how and when I’m posting something might affect kudos and comments? Nah, sorry, I just... don’t care?

I will attempt to explain how *I personally* think about this.

I personally post stuff when I’m done writing it, and when it’s convenient for me to post.

I personally NEVER post a work in progress. First off, it’s entirely incompatible with the way I write. I actually, you know... edit what I write... before I post it. Not just chapter by chapter, but the work as a whole. Not everybody writes the way I do, though, and some folks are perfectly happy to post a chapter and call it done. I just... my brain will not let me do that. That’s not how I write.

I personally almost never read works in progress, either. Not out of worry that the author might not continue to update the fic, but more because I read far too much to try and read long fic in short bites over long periods of time like that. It’s just impractical. I’ve found that I, personally, tend to forget what a story was even about and get frustrated having to go back and skim the story to that point trying to remember. Out of the few fics I’ve started reading as works in progress, I think I’ve actually finished reading a grand total of ONE of them. I find, for me, it’s a really unpleasant way to read. I like to read an entire story at once, you know? Even if it takes me several days, or even *gasp* a week or more to get through the whole thing.

Part of that is due to the fact that I’m constantly writing my own fic, too, and once a fic I’m working on reaches a certain length, I feel like I’m using all my available brain space storing *THAT* work in progress. One unfinished fic in my brain is all I can handle at a time, apparently. :P

But I do know that some people love reading works in progress, and will read and comment throughout the entire process. Some folks really enjoy the feeling of participation, watching the work grow week by week and being along for the ride. So really, how you post is entirely up to you. If you want to watch that hit count jump every time you post a new chapter, if that motivates you to keep writing, then absolutely use that to keep yourself invested in telling the story.

I guess I can kind of understand about not wanting to overwhelm readers with a huge fic all at once, but you know... it’s a fic... they don’t *have* to read it all at once. It won’t self-destruct if they have to close AO3 for a few hours or days and come back to finish reading when they have time. If it’s split into logical and convenient chapters, they can pace themselves and read at their own speed, just like any reader of any commercially published novel would. Nothing says they have to read it all in one sitting, you know? Word count has never been something that has stopped me from reading a fic if the premise was interesting, and the storytelling was enjoyable to me.

But if the hit count is important to you, and you want to see it rise quickly, then posting a chapter at a time will artificially inflate that number for you. AO3 generates a new “hit” on a fic when someone opens it again after a few days. If you space out your new chapters to twice a week, or even weekly, then that will typically be more than enough time for AO3 to generate a fresh hit as all your previous chapter readers return to read the next installment. They aren’t technically “unique hits”, is what I’m saying. But it will drive the hit count up faster and higher than posting an entire fic at once will, especially if you’ve cultivated a loyal reader base.

If kudos are important to you, bear in mind that some readers don’t leave kudos until they’ve finished reading the entire fic (so won’t leave kudos on a WIP), and if someone leaves kudos after reading chapter 1, they won’t be able to leave additional kudos for successive chapters. Posting serially will very rapidly drive your “hits to kudos ratio” down, because returning readers generate hits but no new kudos. This does happen eventually, over the very long term, to long fic posted all at once, if you have readers return months or even years later to reread your story. But posting serially, you might go from a 10:1 hits to kudos ratio in the first week of posting to a 5:1 ratio in the second week. If you do post serially, bear this in mind, and try not to let it bother you. It just means all those returning readers like your fic enough to stick with it.

If comments are important to you, engage your readers. Some folks will never comment, some will leave a “Thanks” and some will write you novels. I consider all comments a bonus, and while I’m personally terrible about replying to them (see my comment above about hoarding them like a dragon... I save them up for a month or two at a time and go on reply binges, because I’m an emotional trainwreck who enjoys reducing myself to a wibbly puddle of goo and nothing does that to me quicker than people saying nice things about my writing), but if you start conversations with your commenters, it can foster a nice dialogue and inspire even more people to participate in the comments.

So for me, the quality of what I post is far more important to me than worrying about any of that^^. I post fic when it’s ready to be posted, when *I* am happy with it, and if other people like it enough to read, kudos, or leave comments on, then that’s fantastic.

I will, however, make a nice, hopefully attractive tumblr post for what I write. For short fics like the old 600~ word oneshot I tidied up and threw on AO3 yesterday, I’ll just post the whole thing on tumblr with a title in the header and a short description. For longer fic, I’ll make a graphic and provide rating, wordcount, tagging, and a synopsis in the post, maybe with a bit of teaser text from the first chapter below a cut, and a link to read it on AO3. And I will reblog it several times over the first few days after posting, and then again at the weekend if I posted during the week. That tends to give it as much exposure as possible to folks, and if it looks enticing enough (bearing in mind I make really awful graphics, but using a site like canva helps some), hopefully folks will reblog it and spread the word. Then occasionally I’ll reblog one of my old fics if I’m thinking about it, or when it’s seasonally appropriate, or whatever. Sometimes an old story finds an entirely new audience that way.

I hope this is in any way useful to you. It definitely won’t apply to everyone, but this is how I approach posting, at any rate. Since you asked me, I tried to answer as best I could.

Good luck with however you decide to post, and congrats on your writing!

[pinkletterday]

Writer's Year In Review

This year has been a revelation. I went from deeply, irrevocably believing I can't write fiction at all to knowing that I'm actually pretty good at it!

It's given me the confidence to find work as a freelance writer and editor in real life, after years of unemployment and anxious paralysis resulting from chronic illness and trauma. A lot of other factors also helped but the fic writing played a huge role in getting my shit together.

General Fic Stats:

Word Count on AO3: 92284

Fics posted to AO3: 23

Favourite Fic:

Kiss It Better (Westallen).This fic is my baby. I love little Iris and little Barry in it so much, the hurt and confusion in each other they attempted to heal, how that healing carried into their adult love and family. It will always and always be my favourite thing I have ever written. Wee!stallen is my jam, and the reason I ship them so damn hard.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). Ngl, I love this for the sheer amount of truly gratifying comments. Every single one of them have been emotional and flaily. It all makes me feel like I may have finally levelled up. Hallelujah. xD

Funniest Fic:

The Care and Feeding (Queenwestallen). This is my ultimate OT3. This fic, written as a list and discussion is 95% humour and contains some of my best banter and (I feel) characterization. An element I'm really proud of is how I managed to center and include all their important non-romantic relationships in their conversations. Iris's boisterous female friends, Oliver's friends, Cisco and Caitlin's snarky commentary all shoehorned themselves into the list with hilarious and wholesome results. 

It's not a popular OT3 but I feel like it's a good first attempt to drag this ship to water. xD

Cutest Fic:

Dancing Queen (Olivarry). Even after a year this contiues to be the fic with the highest kudos ratio (except for the more recent one) and the second most bookmarked. I love getting comments on this because they are all some variation of "my teeth hurt. I have diabetes!" xD Well, I did build it around a rainbow sprinkle icing sugar donut, but there is a significant dollop of angst there in the middle. A flangst donut.

Your Vigil In My Keeping (Westallen). This fic has less than 200 hits but has the highest kudos ratio of all. I guess kid fic isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Wee!stallen is cute af yo. I headcanon the origins of Barry and Iris's steadfast partnership in this story, where her faith and belief in him is as strong as his protectiveness of her, all tied up in the language and innocence of children.

Kinkiest Fic:

WA Smut and Kink Collection. I literally just posted this yesterday lol. So far it's just a face-sitting short, but I have quite a few hard and soft kinks lined up. Westallen needs more hard smut tbh, and they have such a unique powerfully loving dynamic that every kink I'm writing has required me to come at it a little bit sideways with a whole lot of emotional focus.

Saddest Fic:

Three fics I can't choose from.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). This is basically Iris's grief and fear in a raging tempest, and it's strongly implied that the future Nora has warned them of will come to pass regardless of what they do. The fact is that there already is and will be a timeline where Iris loses Barry, just as there must be one where she won't, because that is the nature of potentiality. 

The Paradigm of Uncertainty (Westallen). This was a drabble almost, that ruminates on the probability that speedsters do not erase timelines but abandon them, along those versions of their loved ones. It's as @rkwago's brilliant comment says: "Iris hurts in so many weird, cosmic ways that her life is almost an eldritch horror house," which is the most perfect description ever of what it means to be a time traveller's wife.

The Universal Constant (Gen, background WA). A lot of people find the way Barry goes off on Joe cathartic in this fic, and so do I. But it's not so simple. I don't think Joe was wrong to form the views he did, or that anyone was in the wrong really. As @sophiainspace pointed out, it's a mediation of grief and love, their parallels and continuations between parents and children and lovers. The fact that it takes Henry's death for Barry to find the adult language to articulate to Joe why he will always believe in his father's innocence is a tragedy that cuts three ways.

(This fic is also the reason I have a folder in my drive marked "how to get away with murder" and probably a likely reason to get me arrested one day. xD)

Most Popular Fic:

Strangers In The Cold (Coldflash). The Coldflash fandom is a joy to feed. This was my first smut fic which was preceded by an entire chapter of banter about nothing in particular (except it ended up establishing a background that gave birth to the Coldflash vs Olivarry polyam series) And holy wow, for a newbie writer, the response has been amazing. Looking back, I wince at a lot of writing mistakes and its undeniably rough, but it really bolstered my confidence.

(I feel a little guilty that all my other CF stories are still in my WiP folder while I update the polyam series at snail's pace.)

The Shape of Us (Westallen). I wrote this on tumblr half-asleep one night, half as a rambly headcanon...and woke up to literally one hundred freaking notes. What the hell. Now at over 260, it's the most popular fic I've ever posted on tumblr.

I never consciously intended it to be a body-positivity fic but apparently women really relate to the insecurities of growing older and watching our bodies change with marriage, children and the sheer hectic pace of life. Even my non-fandom friends reblogged it simply for its representation of "real women". Barry's response is my own wish fulfillment fantasy; the sort of total acceptance and validation that we wish we could hear it the times we can't find it in ourselves. In light of the virulent body-shaming Candice Patton has been subjected to ever since she was revealed to have gained a fuller figure in S5, I'm very glad to have written it.

Least Popular Fic:

Carry On (Gen) This character study of Oliver Queen only has 135 hits a year after posting, which is par for the course with gen. But has a solid 12% kudos ratio, which means it's probably as good as I think it is. It's one of my favourite and easiest fics I have ever written.

Love Me Like You Do (Olivarry) Lordy, if my first Coldflash smut filled me with confidence, my first Olivarry smutfic all but ruined it. I struggled with it for a long time, unlike SitC, which I suppose shows in the over-descriptions. I got carried away with the quipping and I guess Barry topping at all is really not popular with slash fans?

Still, I'm honestly toying with the idea of deleting and rewriting it. At least it was a learning experience - don't write smut unless it makes you feel horny yourself.  

Most Challenging Fic:

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). I think the reason stories you knock off in two hours are instantly popular while the ones you slaved over for weeks barely get any attention is because the process is reflected in the ease of reading. But this one is an exception. It was an absolute monster, taking three weeks and several revisions to wrestle into submission - and it paid off in spades!  Going by the response, I seem to have achieved the wow factor I was going for.

My only regret is that I posted it on tumblr before the last revision that finally made it work, so that too many readers saw the lacklustre version rather than the polished one.

Honorable Mention:

A Stitch In Time (Olivarry for now, eventual Queenwestallen) Baby's first multi-chapter! Admittedly chapters 3 and 4 have been languishing in my drive for a few months now and this thing has 100% more deleted scenes and outtakes posted to my tumblr than the actual story on AO3. But I'm so proud of it! I learned to write action scenes because of it, how to write climaxes, dream sequences, news articles and tell a story in several different formats. It made me rediscover my empathy for Felicity and write her as a PoV character, think deeply on Laurel Lance's losses and give voice to her struggles, and explore how a real friendship and understanding could evolve between Oliver and Iris out of their mutual love for Barry. (Centering female characters within manpain narratives, ftw! Otoh, I centered Iris so much it veered off the Olivarry rails into Queenwestallen territory on its own)

There is so much meaty conflict and delicious looming disaster in this story that I'm determined going to keep at it, even if slow and steady. If only to bring the light of Barry/Iris/Oliver into the world. xD

Holding On (Olivarry). This real-world disability AU deals with chronic and mental illness and the precariousness and personal demons of that reality. I tore out the rawest parts of my life for this fic and put them on display so that I couldn't bear to show it to anyone for a year after it was written.

I'm very glad I did finally brush it off and put it up because it has struck a chord with so many people, especially other Spoonies. The low number of hits on a fic that deals in hurt/comfort rather stings, as I can't help but think the disinterest is because of the "disability" and "neurodivergence" tags. But I still think it's one of the best things I've written and one I'll always be proudest of.

General Reflections:

Things I've learned over the past year of writing:

- Self-deprecation is not my friend. I need to be honest enough with myself to acknowledge when my writing is good, because either I self-validate and build confidence or I become a black hole of insecurity where validation goes to die. And if I think I'm a bit better than I actually am, it's not just okay but necessary to believe it.

- What I call writer's block is perfectionism, anxiety and physical and mental fatigue. If I don't eat, sleep, hydrate and acheive a relaxed mental state, I won't be able to write. 

- Momentum is more my friend than any amount of inspiration and motivation. Sitting my ass down and make it a habit to churn out X number of words a day, even bad writing, will do more to help me than polishing an idea to a high shine. 

- If I don't forgive myself for the stories I can't write I'll never write anything. I am doing this for free, to share the love and joy and therefore obligated to no one. 

- I'm capable of writing things I don't have the first idea how to write. My fingers on a keyboard can paint the picture my brain can't visualize. 

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I am going to make it a personal goal to write at least 15k words per month, learn to stick to a posting schedule where possible.  and end next year with an additional 150k words posted. 

To everyone who follows this blog, commented, reblogged and liked my posts - I see and remember and appreciate every one of you. You're the reason I feel seen and valued and why I am motivated to keep writing through all the difficulties life throws at me. <3<3<3

[bughead-fic-request]

I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @sylwrites work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them?

They’re posted exclusively on AO3.

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m in my mid-twenties and I live in Canada. I have a giant dog that’s a lumbering buffoon of an animal and less free time than I’d like.

3. What do you never leave home without?

As a true millennial, my cell phone.

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

Early bird.

5. If you could live in any fictional world, which one would you choose and why?

Probably something totally unachievable like Harry Potter, just to be escapist.

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met.

Literally no one. I saw Billy Bush from afar once (pre-Trump tape days), but that’s it.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

I’m a big fan of mafia movies from the 70s through the 90s, like Casino and Goodfellas. Shows like Riverdale are a guilty pleasure, but I also love Game of Thrones and Westworld.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

I mostly listen to alternative rock/pop and indie, but honestly lately I mostly listen to podcasts.

9. Favorite Books?

For purely sentimental reasons, Harry Potter. I’m also a pretty big fan of dystopian fiction (like 1984, not YA).

10. Favorite Food?

Chicken, probably, in various forms.

11. Biggest pet peeve?

They’re probably all driving-related. I have hella road rage.

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

I wanted to be a writer when I was little. Now I am pretty fulfilled in my current job and its career path, but to be super-broad, I just want to contribute meaningfully.

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

I have thalassophobia (a persistent fear of the sea or of sea travel), for sure, and I really hate earthworms for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one you’d regret not doing?

Not travelling more, probably.

Okay… lets talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

My favourite fic I’ve written is ”a million ways to bleed”.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

Honestly, the most recent one – “meet the morning”. It wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do for no reason at all and it ended up as sort of a fluffy garbage-fest, which still made a lot of people happy, but it’s not my best work by a long shot and it’s put a little bit of a hit in my self-image haha.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

Usually it starts with a basic plot point. In the case of Fall in Light, for example, it was – hey, let’s write a roommates AU. Then it just got way darker. Sometimes it’s informed by life experiences (I’ll go camping then suddenly sit with an idea about camping for two days, for example).

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I’m still trying to figure out a way to write some kind of a Jason-Blossom-never-died canon divergent thing, but I’ve never hit on a great plot driver and at this point a lot of fics with that premise have been done so I’m no longer that interested in it.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

I shall refer you to question 16 :)

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Man, I’m not really sure I can pick a favourite. I tried really hard to handle a certain event that happens to Betty in Fall in Light with as much respect, sensitivity and care as I possibly could, and I am pretty satisfied with how it turned out, so maybe that.

21.Favorite character to write?

Betty, because as a fellow Type A overachiever, I relate too hard.

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

I don’t have any specific lines of dialogue that I have been proud of in terms of their phrasing or anything like that. To be honest I think my fics are a little heavier on the prose than dialogue.

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

Any review where people are able to break down multiple things in a chapter that they liked and explain them and why they liked them is my favourite. Particularly on new and/or ongoing fics; I hope those people understand how valuable I find the detailed feedback to be and just how much it gives me confidence to continue. A lot of these people are also writers, like @lessoleilscouchants and @onceuponamirror but there are a lot of them on and off tumblr that I am so grateful for.

I suppose if I had to pick one or two, there were a few people that reached out to me about Fall in Light who said that they were sexual assault survivors and that they were grateful to see their recovery experiences reflected in a respectful way, which I really valued. It wasn’t something I wanted to discuss if I couldn’t do it right.

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

Really, really poorly, which is why my anon ask is not on and why for the first bit I didn’t even allow anonymous commenting on AO3. I totally welcome and love legitimate feedback, but rudeness for the sake of rudeness isn’t something I deal with well.

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

Never look back, man, you’re not going that way.

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

Ever? Man, probably Fall in Light and its codas, honestly. Before this I wrote a little for The 100 and before that, I hadn’t written in many years, so there’s not that much to choose from.

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

I’m reading a fair bit of fic, I think. Trying to keep updated on a few long-running multi-chapters that likely everyone else is also reading. There are a lot of others out there that I need to catch up on/start reading as well, but I’m waiting for a little more free time to hit me as I do have a really stressful job and a pretty demanding ‘real life’.  

As far as general fiction goes, I’m not actually reading anything at the moment. I try to keep as updated on current events as possible and consume what is probably an unhealthy amount of news media instead. I am aware that this is not ideal, thank you in advance for your concern :)

28. Do you have an advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

A few key points:

Make a plan/outline, that’ll help to keep you going forward if you get distracted or lose your drive halfway through

Get a beta reader to help keep you consistent, in-character and on track

Get a tumblr to introduce yourself to the community and help promote your work

Then, once you have a finished product: just post it! What’s the worst that can happen?

If people are wondering about comment/kudo ratio and hit count and ways to increase all of those things, I’d say that length and frequency of updates are a couple other contributing factors to success (in addition to what a lot of other people have said in great posts elsewhere on tumblr). If you’re concerned about not having a lot of time to write in between updates, I encourage people to stockpile a few updates and release them at a reasonable rate so that you don’t put a lot of undue stress on yourself later when you have twenty-five asks all bugging you for updates. I think this goes without saying, but nobody who is writing fic is doing it for any reason other than enjoyment, and if it starts to cause you stress and unhappiness, that goes against its entire purpose. This is one of those areas where I am a big hypocrite, because I never do that (see: my impatience, greed, and need for validation through the kindness of internet strangers), but I do think it’s a great concept if you would like to keep your fic in the top few most recent pages of the Bughead tag without sacrificing quality because of frantic late-night writing that’s done simply to appease reviewer644 in Tulsa, or whatever.

[regrettablewritings]

So . . . I need to say some stuff

As anyone who knows me or has held certain kinds of conversations with me could tell you that I am the absolute worst at confrontation. Even if it’s in regards to something more positive. However, as this post is about something rather negative, it will be harder for me to express exactly what I mean without feeling like I’m coming off as an ungrateful or bitchy. However, as this is an apparent concern for many content creators on this site, I don’t think it’s fair to assume I am.

Please allow me to word-vomit an explanation:

Communication aka I’m a Talking Human Being:

Before I started this blog, I had a tendency to send headcanons and AUs to other blogs through anon. In fact, I still do this quite often, and usually to great effect both on the blog-runner’s part and their followers. One day, I got brave enough to submit a soulmate AU drabble set to a Tumblr user who is no longer on this site and a few people asked for more so, after speaking with said Tumblr user, I was encouraged to start Regrettablewritings. Now in my bio, I refer to this place as a “dumping ground” for my pieces. That isn’t just there out of self-deprecation: This was literally just meant to be a place where I put my stuff. All the ideas I had, the headcanons, the one-shots, etc. I never once indicated that this was a place that took requests.

But I should’ve known it’d happen and for that I will take responsibility for not suggesting otherwise. I was never truly set on the idea of doing requests at all because I’ve seen the stuff that people send in by the droves and there was no way I would be able to keep up or provide what was desired and at top quality. However, I feared that completely avoiding or turning down the ones that inevitably came in would result in issues. Blame my paranoia.

I’m still not entirely sure as to what to do with the requests I get. Some, I will admit, I do fulfill. But for the most part, I don’t always feel up to it. Especially considering that I have, by no exaggeration, nearly 20 ideas already stockpiled. Of these pieces, some have been in the works since I started this blog and I’m always trying to figure out which ones to focus on the most so I go, “Hey, I got this, this, and that. Which ones do you wanna see?” And you know what I always get? Nothing. Nobody says what they want from the list. So I sigh, delete the post after having it up for a week, and do whatever I can when the motivation hits me.

Not long after, however, I start getting entirely different requests. Always. I know it’s not intended, but the idea I can’t help but get is that my original content isn’t exactly what anyone is looking for no matter how much work I’m determined to put into it.

I reblog ask memes because maybe if I prove that I’m human behind the screen or showcase that “witty personality” my real life friends keep talking about, maybe it’ll prove that I’m approachable. If I’m lucky one person will message me and I have to stop myself from begging them to please ask more, lest I look desperate.

So then I figured if I reached out to the nearly 400 followers I currently have and tried to connect with them, then maybe there’d be more luck in the realm of communication. But when I tried Sleepover Saturday, only two people “showed up.” And they weren’t even the people who liked the post where I asked if anyone would do it, or the people who told me to go on ahead and do it. So that was the end of that.

For months, I’ve debating bringing up this issue. I didn’t want to look like a snooty bitch, but I also wanted to express how I felt about the situation. I may write to express myself, but I also write and in the way I do to entertain. In real life, I am very cynical and bitter and a bit of a crybaby with a bottled up temper. But the truth of the matter is, I love making people laugh and feel better. The world is already so full of shit; I just want to put a little goodness into somebody else’s day, even if it’s a weirdass fic about everyone’s favorite Cuban lawyer having a past as an adult dancer or whatever. So when it feels like I’m only needed when you want something, and then shelved until then, it doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel like the ideas I want to give you aren’t good enough. I know the notes may suggest otherwise, but we’re gonna put a pin in that for a quick second.

The feeling of discouragement often effects my willingness to write. I’ll still do it because, in truth, writing is one of the only things I can do reasonably well. But what’s the point in doing something well if you feel like you’re being taken for granted for it?

I ask you guys for your opinions and feelings on things because I genuinely need to know. I function by playing around with options. Any friend of mine, in real life or online, will tell you that if I’m working on a project (be it painting, fanfiction, or essay), I will throw my ideas out there or ask you for your thoughts on the matter. For fuck’s sake, I’ve heckled @xemopeachx and @ohbelieveyoume about cologne suggestions for one sentence in a piece I’ve been working on! That is how thorough I tend to be about the weirdest shit. But I also do it because I feel you guys deserve that kind of effort. I need a lot of things explained to me in depth to know how they work, so I make it an effort to use that as a means to help others see exactly what I do. I’m already hard to comprehend in real life. Please don’t let me think this effort is for nothing.

Summary: I work hard to give content but never hear anything back in terms of what you would like to see next. But when this happens, it’s like I’m posting from the void and nobody can see it. However, suddenly people are willing to fall into the void if only to make a request. I try to reach out and be more friendly, but even those are disregarded. I don’t know what to do.

Notes: Regarding Likes, Reblogs, and Messaging:

This is something that a lot of content creators talk about. If you’ve seen a post about always reblogging art, chances are you’ve seen a comment saying something like, “Same goes for fanfic writers.” This isn’t riding on coattails or anything, this is some real mess. And, on top of that, there’s an extended difference between art feedback and writing feedback. Because with artists, exposure for them can lead to commissions. Writers? We do this for free. However, this doesn’t make feedback any less deserving.

I’m not trying to complain here, but nobody writes 7-21 pages worth of content to get 100+ notes where only about 12 of them are reblogs. Now I, as well as many others, will give leeway: There is a definite stigma against people who read fanfiction and they may not want it on their blog. I get that. A lot of writers do. But when the reblog to total note ratio is 12/115, 14/192, and 13/207, things get . . . disheartening.

Because guys? Writing is HARD. I know you may see this statement all the time, but that's only because it's true: You have to remember all these words so you don't sound repetitive, you have to paint a clear enough picture without sound prose-y, you have to somehow translate exactly what the image in your head is and pray you don't lose people along the way, you have to SOMEHOW get from Point A to Point C when Point B is either exceedingly blurry or even nonexistent. And, perhaps the hardest of all, YOU HAVE TO BE MOTIVATED! It takes so much energy and focus just to write one page, especially if you have a hectic life going on beyond the screen. And guess what? A lot of, if not, all writers do!

For example: For the first two and a half months of running this blog, I wrote on my phone for most of the time because I didn't have a laptop and the only times I could use the computer lab in my dorm was when others were done with their work. (To gain a better idea of how vexing this can be, please note that A Practice in Happy Memories was written on my phone and that bitch is 6 pages in Word. Try doing that and see how tired of it you get.) And I’m one of the lucky ones: You’ve got people going through some rough stuff in their lives, people raising families while holding down a job, coming on this hell site to write and share their thoughts and ideas. I’m just some 22 year-old black chick with seasonal depression and increasingly crippling social anxiety and an aggressively negative view of the world!

Forgive me for sounding cocky, but I would like to think I deserve better than, like, 8 reblogs on a 60-noted something I literally tapped to life in-between homework and depression naps. Really, though, every writer who’s had to do this deserves better. The amount of talented writers who bust out quality content in spite of broken technology or, you know, having a life outside of the computer yet don’t get treated with utmost appreciation is unreal.

I’m not trying to shame people here, but if you can’t reblog, then reply. Or send a message. Even if it’s on anonymous. Trust me: You message a writer saying you love their crap, you will make their day and they will treasure that thing and look back on it when they feel like crap. For those of you that do reblog, please tag it. It literally only takes a few seconds. As @locke-writes put it in his own post about similar issues, writers really want/need to know what you thought. A like is equivalent to a quick nod and distant pat on the back. A reblog without a tag is a bit better, but still doesn’t get across exactly how you felt, what we did right, etc. A reblog with comments, even in the tags? Makes our fucking day!

Likes? They’re literally just the person who walks by your free sample booth, takes the sample, and doesn’t even acknowledge your existence.

I know I should feel grateful that I have as many notes as I do at all. However, a ridiculous amount tend to come from people who 1) don’t even follow me, and 2) they’re just likes. I have nearly 400 followers already and the same small handful only ever add into the notes. And even fewer actually comment or anything.

This is a common issue for a lot of writers: We just want to be seen as more than just story-making machines. We desire validation for the time and acknowledgement for the effort we put into something we feel we’re skilled at. But a lot of people may feel uncomfortable talking about it in fear of seeming ungrateful or anything but this feeling just drives them closer to wanting to quit writing altogether.

I’m not quitting Tumblr. At least, not anytime soon. But I still need you guys to know this because it’s been boiling up inside me and it’s driving me nuts. Anyway, I’m sorry if I came off as bitchy here as that wasn’t my intention. My intention was to give you a look into some part of the mind that a lot of writers have. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Summary: Reblogs > Likes. Reblogs with comments and tags ∞ > Likes. And if you can’t reblog, reply or send a message. Your content creator worked to make that piece come to fruition and they deserve to know how they did. They’re not being paid for it despite the amount of time and energy they gave for it, so payment in the form of feedback is the least that they could be given.

In short: Appreciate your fanfic writers. Let them know what you think because every little compliment sticks with them.

[kane-and-griffin]

I'm really sad about something I don't understand and was hoping you could explain. Why do people block without giving a reason to? I don't why it first seems like it's all going so well then the next you're blocked and you don't know why or what you did or said wrong? It's happened twice now and to say it hurts is an understatement.

Oh, my precious Kabby babies.  Circle up, it’s time for some firm butgentle life advice from Mom. 

First of all, unless I personally am the person who blocked you (whichI’m obviously not since we’re having this conversation!), in a very real sensethe short answer to this question is that you know I can’t actually answer thisquestion.  You’re asking me to tell youwhy a person I don’t know did a thing for which I have no context, and forwhich there could be a thousand reasons. So in a concrete, specific sense, my answer is: I do not know.

However.

(You knew there was going to be a however.)

Social media is a deeply personal avenue for self-expression and it’s also aworld where many of us spend a great deal of our time, which means that we havethe full and free right to customize it into exactly what we want it tobe.  The things that you post are personal reflections of you, which is  why it bums you out when someone mutes or blocks or doesn’t followback; it feels on some level like a personalrejection.  But the space you curate is also a personal reflection of you.  You have the rightto post anything you want and other people have the right to choose not to seeit.  Both of those rights are equal, eventhough you’re only on one side so naturally the other one feels like it’s insome way “wrong.”  

I’m speaking with zero context for what your preexisting relationship withthese people was beforehand (like obviously if it was a close friend and theyblocked you out of nowhere, you’re going to have to sort that out with themdirectly, I can’t advise you there), but it’s important to remember that theremay be no “right” and wrong” in this scenario.  It’s fully possible forboth of these things to peacefully coexist at the same time:

1) your absolute right to feel a little bit rejected and hurt that astranger on the internet made the choice that they didn’t want your socialmedia sphere to overlap with their social media sphere,

and

2) that other person’s absolute right to say “if something or someone makesme feel even the tiniest bit ‘nope’ I am purging it out of this space so it isexactly what I want and need it to be.” 

They don’t need to have a reason.  That sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it, which all of us have been - it truly and genuinely sucks - but it’s also reality.  One of the hard truths that incidents like this make us sometimes have toface - and we don’t want to face these things, because they can feel reallyicky and vulnerable and ping all the little gremlins in our brain  - is this:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

This sounds mean and brutal, and I don’t mean it to be, because you know mom loves you, but it’s incrediblyimportant, so I’m going to say it again to make sure that if nothing else, thisgets through:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

The celebs you stan don’t owe you a response to your tweet, justbecause you want one.  The people you tag in meta don’t owe you rebloggingit to continue having that conversation with you forever, just because you wantto prove you’re right.  The fans of the fic you write for your mostpopular ship don’t owe you crossing over to give you hits on yourrare-pair fic if they don’t feel like it.  Nobody owes you a certainnumber of followers, nobody owes you a response to every anon you send them,nobody owes you finishing that fic you like in time for them to read it whenthey feel like reading it.  We owe each other one thing and one thingonly: basic human decency.  That’s it.  Everything else is freelyoffered to the world, and freely taken by the people who want it.  It’snot a transactional exchange.  If you make art or write fic and you put itout there into the world, you’ve done a cool thing, and whether it gets tenhits or thousands it was still worth doing.  There will be people whoaren’t interested, but if you get hung up on feeling rejected by that, it willparalyze you.

Social media is personal. That’s unavoidable.  It’s an extension of ourselves.  When someone is cruel to you or to one ofyour friends on the internet, even if it’s an anonymous stranger, it feelsshitty.  When you express an opinionabout something and a ton of people reblog it and the tags are full of “OMG YESTHISSSSS”, it feels great.  We all experiencethat in different ways.  Society has always selected arbitrary measures for young girls and women tolive up to in order to feel like they’re popular or they’re approved by thecool kids, and right now it’s things like “how many followers do you have” and “didyou get an RT from a celebrity” and “how many likes on your posts”.  So ona primal level, maybe having someone you thought was a friend block you on Twitter or Tumblr hits you in the same deep coreplace as having the cool kids not come to your birthday party.  That feeling is super real!  It brings upalllllll that deep stuff we try to hide and pretend that we’re aboveexperiencing, but we all have those squishy vulnerable inner selves that justneed the cool kids to like us and we feel bad when they don’t.  

I had this exact conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago when she wasgiving me a hard time because my book has 60 reviews on Amazon, of which likethe majority are 5 stars with two negative ones, and I have both the negativeones like memorized.  And she was like “CLAIRE.  WHAT THE HELL.  WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  58 POSITIVE AND YOU CANNOT QUOTE A SINGLEONE.  TWO SHITTY ONES AND YOU KNOW THEMVERBATIM.  THAT IS NOT HEALTHY BEHAVIOR.”  And I was like “… . okay fine when youput it that way, yes I do sound like a crazy person.”  So like my advice to you – advice which I havejust proven I am absolute garbage at taking myself, so like I may have justeroded my own credibility in my efforts to help – is to remember that you probablyhave a lot more than two followers so honestly this is probably not a badcollective ratio, and there may be lots of people who are very interested inwhat you have to say but you’ve focused a lot of your energy on these two people andit’s worth giving some thought as to why that is.

My question for you is this: what is the net negative impact of having thesetwo people block you on social media? Like in an actual, concrete way, separate from those sort of core gut “Ifeel unloved in this moment” feelings, what is the effect on your life?  You might be surprised.  It might be zero.  In which case, let yourself feel thosefeelings, experience them as valid, and then breathe through them and move onand keep on doin’ you. 

I’m pushing backon you a little bit here very gently because it feels, reading this anon, likeyou’ve made a determination of hurtful intent on the part of the person whoblocked you, or at the very least a certainty that this choice that made wasabout you and not about them.  That the fact that things seemed to be going fine and then they blocked you means you were somehow intentionally misled or mistreated.  Be really, really, really carefulabout deciding the cool girl didn’t come to your birthday party because she’s abitch who wanted to make you feel terrible and is sitting somewhere cackling atthe thought of your sad lil’ face waiting by the front door; maybe she didn’tcome to your birthday party because she has depression and it’s hard for her toleave the house sometimes and she knew your party would be loud and wild and crazyand too much for her brain to handle right now. Be careful about presuming negative intent with no proof it exists.  The internet makes this so easy, the internetconditions us for this, and itconditions us to respond in kind. The worst thing you could do here is to, like,make a callout post or subtweet in the hopes that it will get back to them andthey’ll feel bad, or to sic your other followers onto them, because that turnsthis into a situation that really doeshave a right and wrong; and since you don’t know if they were trying to makeyou feel shitty, or just went on a big block/mute purge to whittle their listdown for mental health reasons that are totally their own, once things escalateyou can’t put the horse back in the barn. It’s too late.  Now it’s A Thing,when maybe it never really needed to be A Thing.  And in almost all situations for almost allpeople in almost all ways, Kabby Mom’s advice is going to be, “please thinkcarefully before you make this A Thing.”

This got long, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about theconversations I’m always having with fandom folks the way we let social mediapermeate and shape our sense of self, in good ways and bad, so I apologize formy verbosity but also not really because that’s how things roll over in KabbyMom’s Advice Corner.  But I will sum upin bullet points for those of you who have been skimming, to bring you up tospeed:

Everyone has the right to curate their own social media spacehowever they see fit, and they don’t have to explain their reasons.

They aren’t obligated to include you in that space even if you want themto.

None of that is an objective measure of your worth as a person or a signthat you should stop being you on the internet.

Your feelings of rejection come from a real place and you get to feelthem, as long as

You are striving to move through them without permitting them to paralyzeyou, and finally

You never use someone else’s choice to curate their social media sphere as ajustification for treating them like crap.

Focus on your positive interactions instead of negative ones – your friends,creating stuff and putting it out into the universe – whether it be art, fic,opinions, a podcast, gifsets, crackposts, whatever – and your social mediaworld will be a better place.

In the immortal words of the great Michael J. Fox, “What other people thinkof me is none of my business.”