#i am THIS close to caving
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Every time I see trans Leo I smile. Like yes that turtle is trans thank you…
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#trans leonardo#rise leo#so close to caving and just writing a full on fic or making a full on comic for trans leo ngl#sometimes I get so many feelings for trans leo and I go searching for stuff but that well is sadly quite shallow and I run out of things 😔#the more time that goes on the more things I learn that just make me believe this headcanon even more#sorry it is one am and I’m having trans Leo thoughts again#my apologies ❤️
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how about A Gordon and Edward Analysis
Ooh yes… the OG dynamic! The first one, the foundation for everything!
(Unless you count “Edward and railwaymen”... or “Edward and coaches”... which, to be fair, I do…)
These two are insane (affectionate). Hot take but this may be the saddest relationship on the N.W.R.?* They’re my two bestest boys but, man. Their dynamic is fucked. Edward and James are nothing compared to this. Gordon and Henry are healthy, relatively.
tl;dr: They need couples counseling.
Jobey, aren't you being a little dramatic?
Am I? Take my hand. Let's do a close read…
* This is going to focus on RWS (not tv series). Right now and for the rest of this post, I’m going to be talking strictly from the Wilbert books (and, thus, analyzing their relationship from the ‘20s to the ‘60s only) unless I specify otherwise
Part 1 (this post): Gordon, what's your damage? 😭 / The Doylist Reason / Rent. Free.
Post 2 (upcoming post, link later): Edward's Defences / Gordon's Growth
Post 3 (upcoming post, link later): Collision / Uh… Cleanup Crew?
tagging @weirdowithaquill because you asked for Edward+James and i wound up folding in most of what i have to say about them into this analysis 😅 in RWS they're a good foil for understanding Edward+Gordon
Gordon, what's your damage? 😭
There is a strong drive, right here on ttteblr, to portray how despite some notorious conflicts these two are canonically old friends. Also that maybe Gordon’s bad behavior is not so bad.
That is a valid mission, indeed I flatter myself that I had some influence steering us down this road a few years back, however sometimes I think we're in danger of forgetting how often Gordon really has just been like… This:
"You watch me this afternoon, little Edward," he boasted, "as I rush through with the Express; that will be a splendid sight for you." (1923)
“I’ve done it! I’ve done it! I’ve done it!” he said proudly, and forgot all about Edward pushing behind. He didn’t wait to say “Thank you”... (1923)
Edward puffed and pulled, and pulled and puffed, but he couldn’t move the heavy coaches. / “I told you so,” said Gordon rudely. (1923)
So Edward found coaches for the three engines, and that day the trains ran as usual. / But when The Fat Controller came the next morning, Edward looked unhappy. / Gordon came clanking past, hissing rudely. “Bless me!” said The Fat Controller. “What a noise!” (1926-1934) *
When Gordon and Henry heard about the accident, they laughed and boasted. “Fancy allowing cows to break his train! They wouldn’t dare do that to us. We’d show them!” they boasted. (1952)
“The Fat Controller would never approve,” said Gordon loftily. “Branch Lines are vulgar.” (1965)
Edward scolded the twins severely, but told Gordon it served him right. Gordon was furious. / A few days later, some Enthusiasts came. On their last afternoon they went to the China Clay Works. / Edward found it hard to start the heavy train… / “Just pathetic,” grunted Gordon. “He should give up and be Preserved before it’s too late.” (1965) **
I am sportingly not even saddling Gordon with the blame for the line "Driver won't choose you again. He wants strong engines like us." (In TTRE, this is said by the collective of big engines – although the illustrations do clearly point a finger at Gordon. Still, like I said, I'm going to be sporting. The pictures aren't canon.) Also note that in RWS Gordon doesn't say "No use at all" when he learns Edward has come to push his train; that whole bit of dialogue was something Britt and David cooked up.
Even being as generous as possible, this still leaves us with… seven. Seven instances of Gordon taking a shot at Edward.
That’s actually quite a… lot?
I mean, not necessarily if we were racking up all the complaints, ranging from major to miniscule, that you’d have about someone you’d lived and worked with for over 40 years, lol.
But we shouldn’t actually be expecting a complete inventory at all. RWS books are minimalist on detail. There's just so much less in 'em than the sprawling TVS with its 24 full series, lol. And let’s focus here on just the Wilbert canon, since that’s where all these examples of Gordon being rude to Edward come from. Seven times, in 26 books. For context, the number of times Thomas teases Gordon in this same corpus is… three. Three times. Thomas cheeking Gordon. Also kind of a fundamental dynamic. THRICE!
Passengers saying What a Bad Railway It Was… two. Number of times Thomas and Percy squabble… three. Number of accidents that Percy gets into (and this includes the piddling stuff, like crashing into that wagon of flour that was left on the rails)… five. Reflect on that for a moment: Gordon is a dick to Edward in canon more often than Percy's had an accident. That's crazy. Indeed, there are plenty of RWS characters who are canonically friends or who shed together who don't even get to have seven shared moments. It's actually kind of a fun game, to try to think of any two of them who, like Gordon and Edward, have seven of a specific kind of interaction. Have at it! There has to be something I've missed.
But I hope it's clear, that by the standards of these books this character dynamic is hit A LOT. You know me, I'm going to go on to contextualize a lot of these seven examples, and I'm going to play Gordon defense attorney to a certain degree, and plead mitigation. But I can't possibly explain away the sheer size of this pile of evidence. This specific dynamic is not meant to be overlooked. It's not meant to be minimized.
This is a big inescapable part of what their relationship is.
The Doylist Reason
Now, in fairness, the meta reason this dynamic is so pervasive and repeated is that it's The Template.
“Big braggadocious engine needs help from humble plucky little engine” was trite before The Three Railway Engines was published. This is not a slam; I’m not gonna get on another parent’s case about the story they improvised for their kid because “it relies on cliches.” But it’s just a fact: Edward and Gordon, to begin with, are simply THE foundational cliche of “anthropomorphic train” media.
One of the reasons the RWS (and the whole subsequent TTTE juggernaut) is so successful is because it features so many creative variations on this template. Most of the relationships are just "okay so one of them is the Gordon, and one of them is the Edward, but this time there's a twist!" (This is how you get Thomas as the big breakout character – because the Thomas and Gordon variation is a lot less cliched, and a lot more fun.)
Just an observation.
Now, Awdry did keep writing the OGs again and again and again, for a couple'a decades, and he developed them both quite a bit. So by the end of his run we do have a very elaborate Jenga tower built on this template. Loads of fun* to be had yet. So let's jump right back into analyzing this shit in-universe.
* For certain definitions of fun 😈
Rent. Free.
The first thing I wanted you to note about Gordon’s Edward-directed crimes was that there were a lot of them.
The second thing I want you to note is that… these are, perhaps, not all so very criminal?
Some of it is – the group harassment about the strikebreaking and the “Just pathetic!” bit (more on both of those later). But a lot of the rest of it strikes me as more the results of being blunt or un-self-aware or even just plain boisterous than actively choosing to bully anyone. In particular, the early stuff, the Three Railway Engines stuff on which the whole foundation of their relationship is laid…
"You watch me this afternoon, little Edward," he boasted, "as I rush through with the Express; that will be a splendid sight for you." (1923)
Condescending. Tone-deaf. Belittling (literally). But… not actually spiteful?
“I’ve done it! I’ve done it! I’ve done it!” he said proudly, and forgot all about Edward pushing behind. He didn’t wait to say “Thank you”... (1923)
That's not cool, but it's also not… that bad.
At the point where The Three Railway Engines ends with the claim "all three engines are now great friends," it's like, sure. You can see that. Indeed you can see it much more easily for Gordon and Edward than you could with Gordon and Henry – Gordon's behavior toward the latter (though in a similar vein of "kick a fellow when he's down") was much more extreme, and Henry's behavior was so bizarre that you hardly know what to expect from him next. (What you don't expect is that those two will be joined at the hip for the next thirty years.) By contrast the Edward and Gordon relationship should be kinda easy, the former's really nice so the latter just has to remember some basic manners and they should be okay. Right?
But that's not how it goes. Partly of course because Gordon has much more out-of-pocket shit in him than he ever displayed in TTRE. But I'm going to set aside some of the more severe tests that Gordon makes of these friendships till later – stuff like punishing Edward for breaking his tender engine strike and "Just pathetic!" (not to mention all the needling of Henry around the Flying Kipper accident). Setting that aside, Gordon's original sin is simply being a dumb, self-centered, out-of-touch rich jock. Yes, he’s consistently “rude,” but usually more in an ignorant, superior, “I cannot be bothered to try not/learn how to prevent myself giving offense” sort of way than an aggressive, malicious “hurting you for fun and profit” sort of way. In contrast to, say, James. Whose behavior really is consistently mean. And who is hurtful on purpose, because he’s having a bad day and tearing someone else down is how he copes. James insults; Gordon (except in those couple of asterisked cases that we’re tabling for later discussion) merely boasts. And it’s really quite interesting to me how Edward seems to have much less problem with the former than with the latter!
Because he does have a problem with it. We know, because for most of this long list of incidents the source must be… him.
This is a series where canonically the Author is a human “friend of the railway,” collecting and publishing these stories in order to publicize the railway to the world. This is something that really can’t be forgotten when reading these (indeed, thanks to the “Author’s Note” each time, the books will not let you forget it). The narrator is canonically a figure in this universe, and is not omniscient.
And, when it comes to the Edward/Gordon dynamic, the Author’s point of view is consistently collapsing into Edward’s point of view.
Certain times when the narrator editorializes about details, we can be pretty sure, are lifted straight from Edward’s take on the moment (and, if not Edward’s, then The Fat Controller’s, which to be frank is also roughly aligned):
Edward puffed and pulled, and pulled and puffed, but he couldn’t move the heavy coaches. / “I told you so,” said Gordon rudely. (1923)
That Gordon said that, I don’t doubt. That the adverb is necessary, or even correct? That’s… that’s interpretative. I totally understand why Edward and TFC, respectively, took it that way, but I’m not 100% convinced it was meant that way, nor that everyone else on scene regarded it as much more than Gordon glumly colour-commentating the group effort to recover from his breakdown. Is he being ‘rude’? Or is he merely too blunt for North Western sensibilities?
Anyway, even if ‘rude’ is the correct interpretation, it is again worth noting that it’s certainly not part of the narrative as Gordon would have been telling the story in the 1940s. (The 1940s! It's over twenty years later! And Edward is getting his side of the thing in fuckin' print… Big win, that.)
So, if we agree that Edward is the source the Author primarily relies on for these 2+4 scenes, what does this show us? Well, for one, I'd say it shows us that Edward may ‘forgive’ all this but he is certainly not forgetting one bit of it. Indeed the narrative’s repeated return to this dynamic almost certainly mirrors how much room Gordon’s superior attitude occupies in Edward’s headspace.
Which is kinda wild. There's no evidence Edward is petty by nature, if anything there's a lot that suggests the opposite. Gordon getting this far under his paint is… something of an achievement.
But we can see how he managed:
Even discounting the illustration. Even if Gordon isn’t the speaker. He was one of Them. The other big engines who tormented Edward may have been worse, were probably worse, but they are gone and Gorson remains, an eternal reminder of 1922-3. Of the primordial period when Gordon has the power, Edward doesn't. Gordon is on top of their world; Edward is left alone in a shed, cut off from all his former friends and supporters, afraid for his life, roundly denigrated by the engines he lives with, and quite possibly lost his previous job directly in favor of Gordon. Who, at best, is careless and oblivious. Who, at worst, is belittling and rude.
Ouch.
Gordon's arrival is still bound up, probably even the direct cause, of one of the most miserable and humiliating year of Edward's life. And – maliciously or not – everything about how Gordon conducts himself only serves to keep tearing again at that wound.
Ouch.
If Edward were to write off Gordin as a potential friend till the end of time, well, you know, it would be valid. Not very "wise" or anything, but it’d be understandable.
To be clear, I don't think this is what happens. I'm not going to argue that the famous line from the end of TTRE is a lie, some sort of diplomatic fiction. No, Gordon and Edward quickly make a go at genuine friendship. Indeed, throughout all this mess, even as I analyze it in excruciating detail… there's something kind of touching and weirdly wholesome about the way that they both try so hard to make it work despite the headwinds against them. Edward (and Gordon, for that matter) make sincere efforts to overcome the wounds they have inflicted on each other's egos. Kudos, lads.
However, I also don't agree with a vast assumption on the part of many fans that Edward solves the issue by simply… rising above. Puts aside his own ego, takes a pacifist approach to all the jockeying for position, acts purely as mentor, just sits on the moral high ground and philosophically accepts everything as it is.
This is canonically nonsense. Yes, Edward was passive in his first-ever story – he was at the end of the line; he needed someone to give him a damn break before he even had options – he doesn't actually remain passive after that, though. Indirect (he’s allergic to conflict), but not passive. We see very clearly that Edward may be judging status by a bit of a different yardstick than Gordon et. al., he doesn’t think picking up the slack on secondary or support jobs is a source of shame and his relative physical weakness drives him to find different ways to distinguish himself, but, like, when it comes to points-scoring, he’s still very much in the game. Of course his first priority is just to be wanted and useful at all, but that is not the end of it. Edward is competitive, with a proper amount of pride (“Good! Don’t let them beat you”) and he has normal engine-y desires and ambitions (“Look at me!”). ‘Course, in his case they don’t drive him to make a straight-up nuisance of himself. But, still. It matters to him that he gets to be the Smartest Engine in the Shed. It matters to him that he has nice blue wheels. It matters to him that he’s important, it matters to him that he’s respected, and he’s quite as pleased to get important jobs as any other engine (even if he doesn’t begrudge an engine who gets a jammier job than him). When canon kicks off no driver at Vicarstown has laid a claim on Edward, Topham Hatt has just succeeded some previous General Manager and shows no sign of knowing or remembering that Edward exists, and Edward has nothing – no job and no allies. It is not an accident that all three of those things change. It’s not even merely a natural karmic reward for being a nice, humble engine with a winsome smile. Edward set out to earn recognition. His main method (be helpful and reliable to others) is admirable, but it is also a means to a goal (be recognized as important and ensure he's never again stuck in the sheds). And he succeeds wildly. There’s luck there, sure - there always is, with success - but he didn’t have a lot of natural advantage at his tender, either. What I’m saying is that he’s not some innocent unworldly soul who aww-shucks’d his way into it. He meant for this to happen. He played smart and he worked hard for it – but, like, he had to know what it was he wanted.
Am I belaboring this point? Maybe. But I feel like so many people only see Edward as nothing more than a dutiful, responsible, maybe even stuffy oldster with at most an occasional twinkle of fun in his eye and, hell, often that’s not even a big problem (though I think it sells short later characters who arrive and who are ACTUALLY more unambitious and above-it-all than Edward - for instance, I think Donald and Douglas are actually our first tender engines who show up and legitimately just never once give a shit about their status, at least not beyond the status of ‘alive’ vs. ‘dead’). But I think it IS a problem, that it does lead you wrong, when you bring that assumption to bear on Edward’s relationship with Gordon. Edward never "mentors" Gordon. It’s a fundamentally competitive relationship. Oh, maybe it shouldn’t be! It shouldn’t be, because Edward is not jealous by nature and so if Gordon were halfway chill himself it never would have been. And it shouldn’t be, because Gordon so easily outclasses Edward that there should be no reason for Gordon to ever get jealous, either. But they both manage, somehow. Edward’s not just benignly pulling a quarter out of Gordon’s ear every so often, to gently remind him that Gordon doesn’t know everything yet. He might have settled into this role, if Gordon hadn’t scared the existential shit out of him throughout the ‘20s, but Gordon did and so Edward didn’t. Edward’s in it to win it, babe! He accepts that his express days are over, but he’s not willing to be told he never again gets a cut of the cake, either – and, when Gordon snubs him, Edward is not just rising above the fray and letting it go. They’re always playing tug-of-war.
To reiterate: I don't think Edward is faking friendship after Gordon's failed express. He's really working on it – and he might have had more success letting go of the previous wounds Gordon inflicted on his ego – if only Gordon had stopped that sort of shit, going forward!
But that's asking too much. It's still the 1920s, baby; Gordon's gonna Gordon; so what's a little tender engine to do?
#tune in next time#(tomorrow)#(there will be lots more CLOSE TEXTUAL ANALYSIS tomorrow 😈)#ttte#chatter#ttte analysis#the railway series#ttte edward#ttte gordon#ttte james#(he really said 'why am i NOT in it?')#(i caved. quickly. like a sucker.)#ttte henry#(he wanted to be left out of it but absolutely could not be)#2+4#3+4#2+5#long post#minty ty so much for this ask. working on it has left me even more Normal about these guys than i originally was! ! !💯😃👍
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Spur of the moment out of context sketches from Spider's Web with Strings Attached. Might not seem like it, but I've been going through a mini burn out spell due to overworking myself the past week and allowing myself to create messy sketches of this fic has been a small comfort. So once again, thank you @psychologicalwarclaire for writing this fic. Will always be incredibly thankful I found this gem in the depths of my ao3 searching.
#i flew too close to the sun a couple days ago and am now paying the price#aka I animated too long and crashed real hard#this is normal behavior for me#im at the tail end of this dont worry#but all i wanted to do was draw stuff from this fic#prob bc i told myself i needed to finish my other projects#and to stop creating more wip#but i needed this so i caved#and allowed myself to make unpolished art#anywho this fic is amazing go read it#rottmnt fanfic fanart#pixels tortle art#rottmnt doodles#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt leo#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#save rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt fanfiction#tw blood#its a pencil shading but just in case
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my take on The orv webtoon panel 💥
open for better quality | no reposts
#kim dokja#yoo joonghyuk#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv#fanart#myart#doodle#me drawing this like: i've made a grave mistake kdj looks way too pretty lol#ppl going to a.nime nyc and getting autographs from s.leepy-c just know that i am so jealous of you (lighthearted)#same goes for ppl seeing jk's golden live on stage >< how does it feel to be living my dream#anyway this took ummm 5+ hours.. i definitely respect comic artists for delivering high quality works esp for weekly series#i'm this 🤏 close to caving and reading the orv webnovel just btw. i don't believe i'll be able to hold out for much longer
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thinking about a past idea of mine again... collecting gluten-free recipes from Joker Out fans and making a handmade cook book out of them that we can give the band as a gift
#i am so close to asking everyone for recipes#finger hovering over the “new tab” button#google twitching with excitement because it knows i will cave soon and start my research#joker out#the night speaks
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Rewriting a fic over and over again until not a single line of the original fic remains. Fic of Theseus.
#i am positive someone has made this joke before#like relatively recently like i feel like fic of theseus came to me too quickly#liza blather#editing a Very Long original fiction thing rn#and i feel like as i have done more and more editing i have gotten worse and worse at it#and instead i just cave to the ‘rewrite the entire thing’ impulse#which is bad enough in the og thing but now i’m out here building the fic of theseus again and again and again#i refuse to examine this phenomenon any more closely#anyway send help#save me grocery store brainstorm. grocery store brainstorm save me
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Wait a minute. “Can’t Catch Me Now” is actually so Eliana and Dusknoir coded…hmm. Hm. Wait. Wait.
#should I cave. should I just allow it to happen. should I feel guilty about forsaking my beloved wood gecko.#help guys I am struggling frfr😭#sofie now I know how it felt to take the plunge with travailshipping#I would actually appreciate all my moots’ opinions on whether Eliana/Dusknoir should be end game or not#I shipped her with Grovyle for so long and now I’m not so sure since I’ve revised everything and studied Dusknoir more closely#*soft confused crying *#fisara’s scrawlings#ao3: in the morning light#music
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I wonder how bagi felt arriving at alcatraz, finally having a lead pan out after so long, only to find out that the man whose very name brings fear to half the prisoners inside, somebody who sounds so far from the gentle brother she remembers, was just 5 minutes out of her reach.
#i watched bagi telling roier abt her and cellbit#and i am Thinking#the fact that they were so close and yet missed eachother by minutes#i wonder if she found the island they'd been surviving on#a bullet still embedded in the cave wall#qsmp#q!bagi#gemeos do misterio#qsmp mystery twins
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HELLO SIR GREELY TUMBLR
I HAVE ARRIVED
HERE IS MY SIR GREELY DEN
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING IT SO IT LOOKS VERY SPLICED BUT STILL!!!
IT LOOKS MUCH BETTER WHEN ITS MY ACTUAL DEN SO COME CHECK IT OUT AT PURPLENINJA1105 !!!!!
#its missing some of my fav items that i really want like the sir gilbert palace thrones and the table but still#the campihng spot at the bottom is for sir gilberts army whenever they need to come and plan!!#this one is sir gilberts main house (they live in seperate houses but stay at each others houses all teh time)#i have so many hc about the relatinonship statuses of the main alphas#sir gilbert and greely are happily married#cosmo and graham are currently courting each other (see the roses in grahams area and the monkey rug in cosmos area)#liza and peck are besties but are gonna date in the future (one of them is an oblivious lesbian and the other is constatntly pining)#((its up to interpretation which is which))#but you can still tell that they are besties from the closeness of their areas and teh merging items#they also have a lil area outside for them to play games and snack items for the gals in form of the bamboo and carrots#the cave section is their war room and teh phantoms have infiltrated it so they just make up pretend plans there to trick the phantoms#i- i love them so much#i am far too autistic about cartoon animals#anyway nice to meet yall#sir greely#sir gilbert#greely#animal jam#animal jam classic#den decorating#feel free to add on
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PHOBIA OF SEAWEED IS AN ACTUAL THING?????????????????? you see i am not afraid of the open waters nor am i scared of the things that live there,, like i regularly spend time watching deep sea videos i think they're so cool but oh my fucking god the idea of KELP IS MAKING ME LIKE ACTUALLY TWITCH EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHH okok actually looking at it is kind of fine but the thought of it touching my feet is genuinely making me wanna throw up😭😭😭😭😭
#this is such a stupid thing bc sometimes it's fine#i live by the ocean i am a fish i have seen seaweed i have touched seaweed but it's different when you grab it on purpose compared to it#just randomly touching you#DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE#OMFG I'M GONNA SPIRAL#like once i thought i was gonna drown#mickey lore time#we were paddleboarding with my family and then me and my brother got off it and we started swimming to the shore and like we're both very#good swimmers so this was nothing insane aaand there were no waves or anything and my parents were still close by#but then at one point i was like oh i wonder how deep this actually is and i went under and i tried to touch the ground and sEAAWEEEDDDDD#EEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABT ITTT#and it freaked me out so fucking bad and then i suddenly felt so tired and i just wanted to get out but i was still far away and i couldn't#stop thinking abt how it's gonna touch my feet again lmao#and i was very very very close to a panic attack in the water😭😭#oops#anyway i survived and i never told anybody i thought i was gonna drown bc i am not a pussy like that whewwwww#also. when i played subnautica (i only played for a few hours) i was more afraid of the fuckass kelp forest than anything else😭😭😭#i started thinking abt this bc i saw a video of a man in this dark scary cave (????) and like it was fine i was super intrigued until he pu#his fucking foot on the rock and you can just see the layer of seaweed i almost jumped out of my bed FUUCKKK THATTT
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There’s literally no heterosexual explanation for this. Why is he looking at him like that???
#I wanted to give an example of how close I am to caving#obsessed with this clip 😩#officially released content btw#if the company was able to make a 20 second clip with two clothed men so hot can you imagine the fan art and fics…#i MIGHT have to scope the scenery a little!#callyie chat
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Wait... the war's over, Xianle has fallen and Xie Lian is called back to the heavens, and almost-certainly-Hong-er is getting into fights with the people burning down Xie Lian's temples? Huh. I thought for sure he died on the battlefield as a soldier...
#Me Talking#tian guan ci fu#heaven official's blessing#TGCF liveblogging#I am only *almost* certain this is Hong-er#because frequently this boy's *eyes* (plural) are mentioned and no mention of either being red#nor any mention of bandages to the face or even of his right eye being swollen shut#(there are in fact several mentions of his 'eyes' doing things that would mean both are open)#and I REALLY thought Hong-er died in battle... I have seen so many references or portrayals in fic of Hong-er dying on the battlefield#But on the other hand there's absolutely no way this isn't Hong-er is there?#Defending Xie Lian's temples. Painting Xie Lian for the temple. That interaction mirroring the one at the little shrine before the war.#The many things the kid said that DEFINITELY Hong-er or Hua Cheng or Wu Ming would say. 'You're the only real god' especially#The accompanying illustration 100% looks like Hong-er (it even has what might be some bandages under his hair and the right eye closed)#I'm so confused... I suppose I'll have to wait until either book four or the Cave of a Thousand Gods clears all this up
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i went to ikea
#aiden's monologuing#am i proud of myself for spending ten dollars i wasn't planning to? no#do i love this bear i've named harry? yes#am i going to make this little bear little outfits? also yes#anyway i got a new mattress that isn't half caved in yayyyy. hopefully no more neck pain... no more back pain...#also went to cookout to get the watemelon shake before august ended#the big version of this bear is so big i want him so much but i do not have money or room for him#i Love the way this bear is constructed. he's very shakeable#ok. time to close my eyes to my bank account#we got so lost in the ikea... to get to checkout you have to go past a bunch of tarps??#oh but some of the design to show off products was really good. saw some incredible lamps#it was like a mcdonalds play place for me. but alas it was hot and confusing#got the pulled pork sandwich instead of the swedish meatballs. it was cheaper. and also tasty#they do put little flags in the meatballs which i am sad i didn't get one. but also it is literally just the swedish flag
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#Finally caved and took some emergency anxiety meds and I am now close to tears because it dulled the extreme stress and fear#which was keeping me going in survival mode#so I am now just. emotional and vulnerable and sad as all absolute fuck lol yay#but also the fucking relief of my pulse finally dropping below 100 and feeling like I can get a full breath in is about to make me weep fr#@ benzos I love you so much thank you for my life
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Crazy how I can be totally fine one minute and then BAM! Anxiety!
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See the issue with starting a playthrough you're not romancing Astarion in is he's heavily trying to manipulate you into dating him, it's literally his plan, and I do struggle not to fall for it.
#bg3#astarion#so far i havent caved but i got close#baldur's gate 3#jessie rambles#i am trying so hard to play a lesbian because i am one#but fictional men#omg#bg3 spoilers#baldurs gate spoilers
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