#i always wanted to seek everyones approval and ended up doing things just to please others even if it was something i didnt want to do

[folklaur21]

What would've should've been

Pairing: Theodore Nott x fem!ravenclaw!reader

Summary: Theodore Nott didn't truly know what love felt like until he found you. But now all he can do is sit and imagine what should've been.

Warnings: Mentions of death/killing, Battle of Hogwarts, use of Y/N

Word Count: 2.3k

Before You

Theodore Nott isn't the happiest person in the world. Scratch that, he might be the most subdued, emotionally complex guy to have ever existed. Hardly anything made him smile, next to nothing made him laugh. That's just how he was, is, and how he will always be.

It isn't completely his fault. People are never born 'sad' or 'emotionless'. Theo was brought up this way. It was ingrained into him as a child, silently impacting his life forever, and he didn't even realise it. Well, that was until his mother died. At the hands of his father.

Theodore's mother was a gentle soul. Sweet and caring, she always looked after her son. She gave him everything a child needed, wanted, and then some. The one thing she couldn't provide for Theo? A stable father, who wasn't an alcoholic, abusive pig. Though she did try, the fear she had of Theodore's father never ceased throughout their marriage. She just had to try to shelter Theodore from this cold, uncaring lifestyle.

She could only protect her son so much. When Theodore was just nine years old, she couldn't take the abuse from his father anymore. So she tried to escape. From her house, from her husband, from her life. Yet she failed. And he found out. Theodore Nott Sr. was not happy with this. So he did the only thing that he thought could ease his troubles. He killed his wife. The mother of his child. The child that had heard the Unforgiveable Curse uttered from his father's lips. The child who watched the flash of green light emitted from his father's wand. The child who had to watch his own mother, the only person who truly cared for him, die.

When he started Hogwarts, Theodore wanted a somewhat fresh start. Free from the burdens of his home life, he made friends.(Arguably, they were friends who his father would have approved of. If his father even cared.) At school, Theodore worked hard, and tried to mask the emotions he had always been told to oppress. Anger. Hatred. Vulnerability. So none of his friends truly knew what his life was like. Except for Lorenzo.

Theo told Enzo Berkshire everything. It was easier, having someone understand why you were like you were. Someone who you trusted with your deepest, darkest secrets. Someone who cared about you. That's how the two became best friends. Practically inseparable, 24/7.

During You

Having a connection with someone was something Theodore didn't truly seek throughout his lifetime. Especially now, in his fourth year at Hogwarts. Apart from Enzo, he was fine with keeping to himself, keeping a low profile and staying out of everyone's way. That was, until he saw you.

"Enzo, I don't want to go."

"Please, Theo, I want you to come. I'll be lonely without you." Enzo pleaded with his friend.

"I don't want to go to the Yule Ball. And besides, I didn't ask anyone to go with me." Theodore replied, still resisting the idea.

"So? No-one really cares if you're with someone or not. It's supposed to be fun." Enzo says with a sigh as he flops down next to Theo on his bed.

Theo scoffs. "Says you! How many girls asked you to go with them? 15?"

Lorenzo turns slightly pink at his friend's comment. "23..."

Theo lets out an exasperated sigh. "Exactly," Theo says, but after a moment he decides, "I will go to the ball with you Enz. Only because it's that, or sit around here or in the common room with all the first years."

So, that was how he ended up standing at the side of the Great Hall, sipping a glass of pumpkin juice, and watching all of his friends dancing with whoever they brought to the Ball. Theo didn't really mind. Once again, he was merely waiting in the wings, not really expecting anything grand to happen to him. At least, that's what he thought would happen. Until he saw you.

You were with some of your friends on the dancefloor. Laughing and smiling, you were carefree, living your life to it's full potential. Theo couldn't bear to take his eyes off of you. It's not like you would have seen him anyway, with him lurking in the shadows.

After he had spent what felt like forever watching you, Enzo came to his friend's side, offering a new glass of pumpkin juice, which Theo gladly accepted.

"Who's that?" Theo asked his friend, nodding his head in your direction.

"That's Y/N. Y/L/N I think. She's in Ravenclaw. She's actually quite clever, I sat next to her in arithmancy last year." Enzo pauses for a second. "Why do you want to know?"

"I don't know," Theo shrugs, nonchalant. "I just... don't remember seeing her before, that's all."

"Oh. Well, she's really kind. And sweet." Enzo smiles before rushing of again to resume dancing, leaving Theo to mull over his thoughts. Thoughts of you.

A week later, whilst sat in Potions, Theodore couldn't help but watch you, sitting across from him in the classroom. Strange. He had never noticed you before, but now it seemed you were the only thing plaguing his mind. He hardly took any notice of Professor Snape that lesson, watching you as you took notes with your brow furrowed, and how you twirled your quill around in your fingertips if you seemed distracted.

Over the next few weeks, Theodore Nott grew to know lots about you, even if you didn't yet realise it. He knew your favourite subject (Charms), your favourite sweets from Honeydukes (Chocolate Frogs, because you collected the cards). He even knew how you liked to spend your Sundays (sat in the courtyard with a book and a hot chocolate). Theo was drawn to you, for some unknown reason, and not even he could figure out why.

In the weeks leading up to your exams, you spent an increasing amount of time in the library, studying. Funnily enough, so did Theodore. He wanted to do well academically, even if his friends preferred skiving off and messing with first years. So, that was how he came to speak to you for the first time, five whole months after he was first captivated by you.

"Can I sit here? All the other tables are either occupied or slightly sticky and I don't want to mess up my books"

"Uhh, sure!" Theodore said, shocked that you had even come over to him. "No," he told himself. "She's only over here because nowhere else was free. Don't get your hopes up."

"I'm Y/N, by the way." You smile at him, and wave your wand to get your books laid out on the desk in front of you.

"Theodore. But you can call me Theo." Theodore said, as he found himself smiling in return.

The two of you started to talk about anything and everything; school, exams, your hobbies, interests, just your lives in general. And that's how Theo realised that, maybe he wasn't such a cold, uncaring teenager after all.

A week or so later, the two of you were sat under the shade of an oak tree overlooking the Black Lake, studying for, you guessed it, exams. That moment was when Theo finally plucked up enough courage to ask you something.

"Hey, Y/N?" he asked, taking a deep breath.

"What?" you replied, looking up from your book.

"I was wondering, would you maybe like to, and it's OK if you don't, I don't mind, you don't have to say yes or anything because it's completely your choice-"

"Spit it out, Theo!" you giggled, humoured by his rambling.

"Right. Sorry." Theo said, trying to calm himself down. "Umm, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend? And could we possibly go to the Three Broomsticks? You know, just... us?"

Your eyes widened, before you smiled at the boy's worried expression. "Of course! Theo I'd love to."

You wrapped your arms around him and gave him a small kiss on the cheek before returning to your book, leaving Theodore grinning as if he'd just won the lottery. Which, with you, he basically had.

After You

It had been a while since Theodore Nott had been back at Hogwarts. Since he had gotten the Dark Mark, at his father's force, he had stayed working for The Dark Lord, being a Death Eater. He hated it. It was a life his father had forced him into, a life which wasn't truly his. And now he was back at the one place which had been a home to him, but now he was here to destroy it.

Theo tried to look for you. The one person who he trusted, and the one person who trusted him. Theo wasn't here to fight. He wasn't here to kill. He couldn't do that here. His safe place, where his father couldn't physically torture him. Where you were.

Before his sixth year at Hogwarts, Theo was held under the Imperius curse by his father, and the searing skull tattoo, the tattoo that would hurt him forever, was imprinted into his left arm. When school started again, he couldn't bear to tell you, his girlfriend, what had happened. But he did, because between you two, there were no secrets. When you found out, all you were was supportive. You helped Theo though his pain and anguish, but what he didn't know is that when you first found out, you cried for hours. Crying about his future, your future, angry at the world you live in for being so cruel. Crying was really the only thing you could do.

After Dumbledore's death, Theodore did what he thought would be best for your relationship, best for you.

"You can't be serious, Theodore?" you said, trying to keep your voice levelled and clear, holding back the tears.

That hurt Theo. You never called him Theodore, unless you were really frustrated. Which hadn't happened until now. "Y/N please, I have to, it's for your safety."

"My SAFETY? Theo, I couldn't care less about that right now. Please, don't do this." You couldn't hold back any longer. The tears were now streaming down your face.

"I don't want to, but-"

"But what, Theo? I love you!"

"I love you too, but-"

"Then surely that's all that matter?" you say, exasperated. "We love each other. We can run away together, and live in hiding until it's safe for us to come out, to be together."

"No, we can't, you know we can't, we'll be found and then... you'd... You'd be killed." Theo says in a small voice. "And I can't let that happen to you. Please, Y/N, just listen to me. As soon as this is over, we can get back together. We can live together, start over together. But it can't happen now. Not yet. Please, Y/N, wait for me."

You can't stop crying now, and you lean over to Theo and kiss him. "OK. When it's all over. I'll be waiting for you, Theo. You'll definitely come back to me?"

"Of course I will, Y/N. I promise I'll find you."

And of course, that's what he was currently doing. Looking for you. He had been waiting a year to see your face again, hoping you hadn't forgotten about him. However now he couldn't find you. Running through the corridors, shouting you name, dodging curses and rubble, Theo's only goal was to find you. And he did.

There you were at the top of the Astronomy tower, a split lip and wearing a torn blue jumper, you were aiming all sorts of hexes at a Death Eater. Theo was so relieved, and began firing spells at your opponent, until he was knocked unconscious. At that point, Theo kicked the limp body over the balcony, not caring what would happen.

"Y/N." Theo smiled. "I told you I'd come back."

You pulled Theo into a hug and kissed him. "Theo!" you breathed.

"I love you more than anything, Y/N." All Theo could do was look into your bright, tearful eyes, relieved that he could see you once again before-

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

That fateful curse.

A flash of green light.

Your body fell limp in Theo's arms.

Your eyes lost their brightness.

"NO!"

Theo tried to pull you up, tried to hold you tight, but it was no use. You were gone. Theo looked up to see your murderer, looking him in the eyes. His father.

Your death at the hands of Nott Sr. ensured Nott Sr.'s death at the hands of his son. That was the first and last time that Theodore Nott would ever use the killing curse, and it only made sense for it to be on the person that used it on the two people who he had loved most in the world.

When the Battle of Hogwarts was over, most of Voldemort's supporters were dead, captured, or had fled the scene when it was evident that they were losing. But two Death Eaters stayed behind, simply because they couldn't bear to leave the castle like this. They felt it was partly their fault. Those two Death Eaters were Theodore Nott and Lorenzo Berkshire.

Whilst everyone gathered in the Great Hall, Enzo wandered the, now ruined, corridors of a place he loved so dearly. What he didn't expect to find his best friend, leaning on the crumbled wall of the Astronomy tower, cradling someone in his arms. Not to mention the fact that his father lay on the ground mere feet away.

"Please, Y/N, you can't be dead, you can't. I came back for you I-"

"Theo?" Enzo inquired, sitting on the floor next to his best friend, who was in fits of tears.

"He killed her, Enz. He killed her so- So I killed him. I had to."

"It's OK, Theo." Enzo replied, putting an arm around his friend's shoulder, and letting him cry.

The pair fell into a comfortable silence, with the sound of everyone in the castle talking and grieving the loss of friends and family. The two could have been down there with them, celebrating the demise of the people who made their lives hell.

But instead, all Theodore Nott could think about is what should've been.

[itsabouttimex2]

Since ROTTMNT are allowed, how about some headcanons of the turtles with a reader who’s very reckless? They’re always throwing themselves into danger whenever the team is fighting, and reader just insists they’re trying to help.

also love your writing ❤️❤️

Turtles with a Reckless Y/N

(Thank you so much💗 I’ve been watching season two, and I’ve got a lot of thoughts!)

No. No, no, no. Raphael does not tolerate your shenanigans. He’s worried sick about you every time you try something new, you hear him? Expect lots of gruff lectures about how ‘You need to learn to work with me and the others as a team, or you’re staying home with Splinter!’

This is not an empty threat. Keep pushing and getting reckless, Y/N. Realizing that he’s going to have to teach you a lesson the hard way, Raph sneaks up behind you as you try to sneak out, wrapping you into his arms.

“Sorry, Y/N- but I did warn you,” he says, carefully binding you up in sloppy knots. After he’s got your wrists and legs tied, he wraps a blanket around you. Then, another round of rope. Raph plops you onto Splinter’s chair, grabbing the remote and turning on a safety awareness video he (with the help of everyone in the Turtlefam) made for you.

This isn’t necessarily going to be a one time thing, though. The ante is upped every time you make another boneheaded decision, another grounding, another lecture, another video. He’ll get through to you.

Eventually.

Leo can be arrogant and overconfident himself, so he’ll relate to the things you do and say. It’s easy to want to prop you up and encourage you. He’s suffering from an inferiority complex, trying to make up for his self-perceived shortcomings by acting like he’s better and stronger than the people around him.

And he wonders if maybe you’re going through the same thing with the way you insist that “I’m just trying to help, Leo,” and “I don’t need you to baby me!”

And then Leo starts to think that telling you off for the way might only make things worse. For all he knows, you’ll decide that getting even more reckless will be the way that you finally ‘prove yourself’, making the same boneheaded approval-seeking decisions that he does.

In the end, he decides to settle things by subtly sabotaging your efforts to join fights. Leo “accidentally” locks doors before you can run through, sneaks your gear into dark corners where you’ll take too long to find it, taking extra risks to try and end fights before you can join.

It’s for your own good. Please believe him when he says that.

With poor communication skills and a potential developmental disorder that only muddles his understanding of others further (same, bud), ‘talking it out’ is not an option for Donnie.

So he turns to the one thing he knows best- tech. A tracker first. Then two. Then three. Eventually he’s got a dozen tracking devices in all different shapes and sizes, each one snapped into a different device or gadget.

It’s not that he wants to hurt you, of course not.

But if an electrical shock or painful squeeze can “convince” you to keep out of danger and think things through before you hurtle headfirst into an enemy’s unmerciful hands… fine. Fine.

Donnie will snap a bulky metal cuff around one of your wrists, sighing as he does. Does this make him the “bad guy”? Probably. But he’s fine with that, because being “bad” is better than being at a funeral. He’ll muster up a half-hearted apology, sighing as he locks the metal around you.

“Enough with the reckless stunts, Y/N. You’re keeping this on until I know you’ve grown a functioning brain.”

Big-hearted and equipped with a somewhat gentle demeanor, Mikey decides to try talking things through first. It’s very possible that this problem is some kind of misunderstanding that could just be unraveled with a little bit of one-on-one time!

Sure, he probably doesn’t have to cuddle up to you and wrap you both in blankets with hot drinks, but he does anyway! (Because he wants to steal you away for a moment to have all to himself, under the guise of ‘helping you’.

There’s an admitted half-effort from Mikey to talk you through whatever it is that’s causing you trouble, at least. It’s just that he’s more focused on the ‘therapy’ approach, hoping that he can grow closer to you while keeping you content and out of danger for the moment.

Though, if you really insist on such reckless behavior, Mikey always has his kusari-fundō to wrap you up head to toe. Given his status as the ‘baby’ of the family, no one is going to take his behavior all too seriously.

You’re stuck tight, helpless against his loving, brotherly whims.

[tyttamarzh]

Midnight Ramblings about Missa (Or "character analysis focused on his seeking approval and how this influences his self-perception and in his performance") (Or "My boy just needs confidence and time to show how chingón he is.")

I have a thought… okay, okay, yes, Missa is a wet cat and he can't escape of that… but I think everyone underrate the ability of him for learn and improve…

When all came to the island, no one have nothing and everyone seems at the same level in general. For Missa was hard, but he adapted to life, he build a house, had an armor, went to mines and dungeons with his friends and even when others helped him, he always tried to make it on his own and search his own purpose. Everyday he gain more expierence and confidence and lost the fear to go out alone, he could fight for himself, he could survive. Then, when everyone was paired up to take care of the eggs and he met Phil, he tried his best for being useful, for help him.

He always does that, but this time he had just met him and he wanted to do his best to make a good impression on this new person in his life.

He had already done it before, that has a context, when he met the "Team Vacio Legal" (and was adopted), at first he was not considered part of the team, they treated him like an assistant, they called him his pet and they even told him that they would use him as bait, but Missa was so grateful to be with them, that he accepted all their orders willingly and strove to do the best for them (They were not just any team, it was the one that was considered the strongest and favorite to win, in fact, the winner was a member of this team). I remember that they ordered him to build a temporary house if he wanted to stay and at that moment he began to build non-stop, and he was doing it very fast, he was very concentrated on it, then Rubius, to annoy him, stand right where he was going to put a block and Missa stood paralyzed, neither of them said anything for a few seconds, until Missa, quite anxious, said: " Please, please, I'm just trying to do a good job…" and at that Rubius gave up the idea of joking with him and simply looked at him and said "You're doing very well" and moved, to which Missa He laughed and continued working until he finished. His dedication made everyone quickly become attached to him and at some point the line between being everyone's servant and being everyone's protected faded (even the 4 of them risked their lives to go save Missa's dog from acid rain), he went from not being considered part of the team to being the most loved by all of them, so much so that his death devastated them and they continued using his name as a banner until the end (ohh I really loved Extremo, sorry xD).

Even if Missa knows that he is not good at many things, he gives everything, he strives, learns and grows, to continue giving everything for those he loves, that is how he died in Extremo, helping Quackity (although Quackity did not even realize until later).

The point is, being with Phil, he helped in any way he could, he fought against the phantoms so that Phil could continue working and in fact he must have felt very good when the mission was "sing a song to the baby" because finally one of his abilities It would be necessary and useful.

Phil never had a problem with Missa in Chayanne's care. Missa was constantly striving to be competent and they didn't really spend enough time together for Phil to realize what Missa's level really was. The problem began when he was gone for so long, because everyone's level increased at the same time as the difficulty of the world, which made Missa's lack of experience very evident. And it wasn't just because he was poor and didn't have the resources to defend himself, as Phil thought at first, Missa missed out on a lot of growth and learning about Minecraft that he could have had if he had stayed on the server. Though he tries now, he doesn't He manages to cope with the current world, which made him tremendously insecure about his abilities, which is why on many occasions he no longer try and just lets himself die. Making it very obvious to everyone, even Phil, that he can't survive alone, since he's just a little wet cat.

There is something that I miss a lot about the dynamic he had with Spreen, you see, I know that many who watch QSMP did not know what their relationship was like and do not know why he is so important to Missa, but it is because Spreen never doubted Missa's abilities, even when no one, not even Missa, trusted his abilities, Spreen always trusted, he once bet on a fight that Missa had, even when Missa said she had no idea about PVP, he bet on him and to everyone's amazement, won and was like "I knew you could." Missa always tried hard to do things and get praise from Spreen, he saw him as a father he wanted to make proud and he jumped with happiness like a child when he achieved it and that's how he grew up a lot (Having the player who is considered one of the best treat you that way and praise you must be an incredible feeling).

Losing his brother not only affected him emotionally, it affected him in the sense that he lost that and that's why his self-confidence went down the drain, because when he fails he no longer hears the "calm down, you'll make it next time, champion" now he listens "Be careful, it's dangerous" "Stay away" and he is simply saved and protected by others.

I'm not saying that Phil is wrong to help him, but that made him somewhat dependent and added to his frustration at not being able to face the world alone, it made him feel like a burden to everyone (the fact that he doesn't log on doesn't help him). Somehow that made him have a kind of regression and he went back to being the fearful boy who needs to be taken care of, it's not even like in the early days of QSMP, it's like in the early days of Extremo, considering himself completely useless and stupid, struggling to try to do things right and receive some approval, but getting frustrated at not achieving it (which is why what Tina did in purgatory helped him a lot "Tina, better therapist than Melissa" xD).

Now… let's go to the present, because I saw something very different in Missa the last time. What happened in purgatory perhaps gave him more growth than we thought, not only on an emotional level by helping him decide to stay with Phil despite not feeling enough, but on a personal level. He said to Chayanne he had been working to be a better person (better player) and wanted to show what he had learned (now seeking Chayanne's approval), somehow he found that motivation again to grow and not just lamenting his situation (that implies that CC Missa he was really practicing. My friends, he didn't even do that for the squid games, he finished installing Minecraft and jumped into the water), that gives me hope that this time he is serious about stay and if he has enough time and if this time he really delivers with his promise to log on more we could see him grow and bring out his full potential (in Extremo 2 he was doing a great job until he died suddenly and became fearful again, in purgatory he was doing things well until he realized he had the wrong missions and felt sad and useless… he can do great, his ruin it is that he sabotages himself by his lack of confidence).

Possibly he will never stop being a wet cat, that is tattooed in his character, but I think that is precisely why everyone tends to underestimate him. I am sure that one day my boy is going to give everyone a big surprise… I believe!

I think my little late night thought turned into an analysis and then a Tesis, sorry about that… I hope someone finds my ramblings entertaining…

Thank you for reading!

[differenteagletragedy]

Cove isn't the stepdad, he's the dad who stepped up: Part 5

A fifth part to my series in which Baxter does his Baxter thing at the end of Step 3, but he got you pregnant before he left. Cove steps up to raise your baby, but then when you get married, a certain Mr. Ward ends up being your wedding planner.

Link to Part 4 here, with links to the previous parts.

The summer after you'd graduated high school, you and Cove worked together at the tropical place, waiting tables. It was a special place for the two of you, full of memories, and it was a natural choice for your rehearsal dinner.

But it was also a special place for you and Baxter. Once he'd learned you worked there, he stopped by regularly, sometimes to order takeout and other times just to see you. It was sweet, and his visits made you fall all that much harder for him.

So that night, when you were sitting in the restaurant, less than 24 hours before your wedding to Cove with your son in a booster seat between the two of you and Baxter, his biological father, sitting across the table from him, letting him snatch a fistful of pineapple from his plate ...

Well, it was odd.

Dylan had been the one to invite Baxter, and after making sure it was ok with you, he'd agreed to stop by. But when he did stop by -- just stepping in to wish you and Cove well, not intending to stay long -- your son had been insistent that he sit and join you for dinner. It seemed he'd taken a liking to this strange man who looked like him, and Cove, always willing to do anything to make his little boy happy, told Baxter to pull up a chair.

"You can sit right here," Dylan had told him, pointing directly across the table. "You can't sit beside me because I sit beside Mommy and Daddy, but if you sit here then you can still see me good."

Baxter smiled tenderly at him -- that's the only way you could describe it, "tenderly" -- and despite how different he and Cove were, it seemed like wanting to please your child was something they had in common.

Derek, always the gentleman, went to grab an extra chair and put it beside his, scooting over to make room for him. Baxter flashed another smile at him, and you realized tonight you'd seen that smile more than you had in five years. He threw an extra one to Kyra, who was on this other side, and sat. Then he met your eyes.

You knew Baxter. You just did. And now, with everything that had come up, you felt like you'd always know him. He was nervous, desperately seeking your approval. He wanted to know that it was ok to be this close, to accept all this kindness. That it wouldn't bother you.

You grabbed an extra menu and slid it in front of him.

"You'll have to get someone else to take your order this time," you smirked.

After everyone placed their orders and the wait for food began, Baxter began talking to Kyra -- Dylan really couldn't have picked a better seat for him. Derek spoke with him too, finally getting to know him a little after being so absent the first time he was in town. Cove even sent some friendly chatter his way. He never really liked Baxter, he never really understood him, but he was making an effort to make this whole strange process go more smoothly.

It wasn't long after dinner was served that Dylan made his grab for Baxter's food. He was a polite kid, as polite as a four-year-old could be, anyway, but he also liked to eat, and Baxter's dish was the only one near him with pineapples on it. The temptation was too much to bear.

Before you could catch him, he'd stuck his little fingers in Baxter's plate.

"Dylan!" you said quickly, grabbing his wrist and pulling it back. "You know we don't do that."

"It's quite all right, truly," Baxter said, smiling so wide that his teeth showed. "I don't mind."

Dylan grinned up at you, nibbling on the stolen fruit and you sighed. But it turned out that wasn't the boldest move he was prepared to pull that night.

"How do you know my mommy and daddy?" he asked easily.

Derek choked on the sip of water he'd been taking, and beside you, Liz turned a cackle into a not-so-convincing cough. Dylan kept his eyes straight ahead, but you could feel both Cove and Baxter's on you.

"We all knew each other a long time ago," you answered, tousling his hair. "Back before you were born."

"Did he know me when I was a baby?" he asked, turning to look up at you.

"No."

"Did he know me when I was in your belly?"

The question hit you harder than you would've thought. You sucked in a breath, bit your lip then said, "No, baby."

Cove and Baxter were still looking at you, but their expressions were very different. Where Cove looked concerned, Baxter had that old sorry look of remorse. It was too much.

"Be right back," you said quickly before standing up and making your exit.

You walked out of the restaurant, breathing in the fresh air, and tears started falling. You tried to catch them before they escaped your eyes, not wanting to leave any evidence when you went back inside, but pretty soon you realized it was a losing battle. You went to the corner of the restaurant and sat on a bench there and just gave in to it all.

"Hey, gal."

You looked up, and there was Derek, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Can I sit down?"

You made more room on the bench and he sat down beside you. His presence, as always, was a comfort in itself, and you felt yourself relaxing, just a little.

"You ok?" he asked softly.

The tears came down harder as you told him that no, you were not ok. This was a shitty situation and it wasn't fair, not to you or to Cove or to Dylan. The timing of Baxter coming back into your life could not possibly have been worse, and you were so angry and so sad that you were spending the night before your wedding to Cove wasting tears over some dumb boy who broke your heart.

He listened as you let everything out, and when he was sure you were done, he held out the arm closest to you. You let yourself fall against him, and he wrapped his strong arms around you.

"I'm sure this is really hard, and I'm so sorry," he said, resting his chin on the top of your head. "I wish it wasn't like this. But I know you, and I know Cove, and this is going to be ok."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"I know, and I'm sorry about that too. But it's true. Cove loves you so much, and I know you love him the same. And I know how much you both love Dylan. You're a family. Nothing Baxter can do will change that. And nothing at all is going to mess up your wedding."

"That's a pretty bold claim," you told him.

"I'm a pretty bold guy."

You felt yourself smiling, but there was still some sadness there. Derek's warmth made you feel better, and you knew that he was right about Cove, but you felt like there would always be a sort of sadness associated with Baxter. It wasn't something you could escape.

A few minutes later, Derek asked if you wanted to go back inside. He helped you clean your face up a little from your impromptu crying session, then you made your way back to your table.

The first thing you saw was Dylan crying, his little fists wiping at his eyes. Cove had his hand on his back and was leaned in, talking to him.

"What happened?" you asked, rushing back to take your seat beside him.

"Baxter left," he explained.

The subtext was clear: Baxter left again.

[sandwichmustbetasty]

half of the season 1 behind and these are my feelings:

making galadriel so un-galadriel - horrible, she is the daughter of high king finarfin and would never behave like a petulant child going on her merry way to seek sauron. she would also not wear feanorian star for fuck's sake

numenor - terribly rushed, don't like it's downfall being sped up like 1500 years, give the Men some credit

the whole people living in mordor story - eh, not great, the men there are kind of annoying, but rooting for arondir

whole weird thing with elvish politics honestly and elrond being somehow treated as lesser because of his heritage (his heritage is literally the most prominent heroes and kings of middle earth. and also a maia. his dad literally ended the war so.)

where the hell is celeborn and celebrian - i so wanted to see the blooming romance between celebrian and elrond, i would give everything to see them together

now for the things i DO enjoy

elrond's baby face - he's my pookie i love him (also writes speeches for gil, very in character, love that for him) just a baby, must protecc

elrond & durin's friendship - yes. just the right amount of sass (and elrond forgetting that dwarves are mortal and not visiting for 20 years might be in bad taste), they are great together, please more

durin & disa - YES, shame they didn't give the dwarf women beards, but still, disa is amazing, they relationship is so precious to me

gil-galad - finally an elf with long hair, very noldor-looking, very nice, very nice (his golden robes are fucking obnoxious but oh well, he's a king, also real fandom-made Finrod would 10000% approve of that choice and would suggest adding some thousand shimmering jewels), he looks so done with everyone's shit and i love that about him (he's a russingon child you can pry this headcanon from my cold dead hands and you will still not succeed)

tyelpe - jesus where do i even start. he is fucking old but seeing his soft face just brings me so much joy. the softest, brightest boy, just wanting to make fancy jewellery, absolutely no harm will ever come to him. i adore him with every fibre of my being. he is so eager with his forge project, so eager to meet the dwarves, just so eager to learn; feanor would be so proud

also adar - it brings new, uncomfortable perspective of something most of us knew before, that the orcs and elves are not so far removed, and whether or not orcs deserve anything other than being stabbed. i always struggled with the bit in lotr where we see that they actually do not all want to fight and are very much slaves. it's uncomfortable to come to the conclusion that the world is not white and black and maybe orcs don't deserve only to be wiped out when their corruption is not of their doing. a nice touch i'd say.

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

"Interview" With NRC Students

Last set of my December Drabbles posts. Written after Chapter Four / Scarabia Chapter, burnt out and taking no shit Yuu. Word Count: ~5k ----------------------------------------------- You read over the set of questions Crowley had provided to ask for end of year interviews. Technically, it was supposed to be Dire's job to check in on all the students, but yet again the task was passed onto you. As you looked over the questions, you felt your eyes glaze over but a certain burning in your chest. None of these had anything to do with checking in with mental health, which was clearly what the students needed. You're no therapist. You're no faculty member, you're not someone who should be doing this anyways. You flip the paper over and think over a question you could ask. Just one. You have so many people to get through, and your emotional capacity and mental tenacity are nearing their limits. As the first person walks in an the two of you get to chatting, you finally settle on a question, maybe seeking some wisdom for yourself, and a glimpse into the way your friends, enemies and acquaintances think "What advice would you give someone who's looking to improve their day to day life? Or just advice in general?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Riddle is slightly taken aback by the question, before smiling assuredly. "I've been learning quite a bit myself what improvement can mean from one person to another. As you know, the standard for improvement and growth has always been set very high for me, but I think...I think that perhaps the best advice I can give is to learn to set a high standard for yourself rather than....someone else's approval.....it's not advice I've learned to follow, but I received it from a close friend this year and I believe it's sound. At least if you are disciplined enough to do so for yourself." -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Trey laughs a little bit in response, grabbing at his glasses frame and tipping them up slightly, before crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, sighing a bit. "Advice, huh? Well, I can't say anything for sure, but I guess...don't sweat the small things. It's old advice, but there's a reason it's been said." "Did you want to elaborate on that?" "What else would there to be elaborate on? I thought that was pretty straightforward." "Maybe it has a little more of a personal meaning to you?" "I mean, I've got a bunch of younger siblings, and as vice housewarden I end up looking after a lot of people in the dorm, including Riddle. If I had to worry about every single thing everyone shorter than me was up to or doing, I'd have grey hair by now." He had a shit eating grin on his face as you stopped writing and looked up at him unamused. "You're not funny." "I like to think I am." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cater's face almost falls a bit when he hears your question, but he keeps himself smiling. "Could...could you repeat that please? Cay-cay's um....I need to make sure I heard that right." "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" He looked almost haunted, though he was trying to maintain his happy disposition. "Did...do you want a different question?" "Ahah um well no! No, it's ok, I got it I just...need a minute I guess! It's...I guess nobody's asked me for advice...ever. I've given it just never asked...specifically, y'know? Ahhh, never mind, can you forget all that and we can take it from the top?" You can't hide your concern and confusion all that well, but you nod a bit and smile reassuringly. "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" Cater lights up as if the emotions he was conveying a moment ago had never existed. "That's easy! Cay-cay's got you covered! Find something to smile about everyday, because if you don't-...just find something to smile about everyday. Even if it's just one thing that'll keep you going, you're still going, and that's what matters." His smile falters just slightly. "That's all you needed from me, right? I can go now?" You give him a small smile and nod, and watch as he leaves the room, an awkward tension still sitting in the air. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deuce looks like a deer in the headlights at the question. "Why would you ask me that?" You gave him a knowing smile, cocking your brow a bit and he cleared his throat awkwardly. "I think you have plenty to contribute to this, Deuce. We both know you've undergone a lot of personal growth to get to where you are now." "Well yeah but it hasn't been easy! And you were there when I've had.... when I've flown off the handle and just gone right back to who I was before." "But you're not the same as you were before. You feel regret, which was what made you want to change in the first place, because before you heard your mother on the phone, you didn't. I wasn't there when you were a delinquent, but I've known you for a few months now and can say with confidence you're doing a good job Deuce, you're making a lot of progress towards your own goal. If you could just share a little bit of insight on what's made it easier, or what's been a motivator other than seeking your mother's approval, I'd really appreciate it." He thinks it over for a moment, nodding slightly as the words slowly come to him. "I...I don't really know, but I guess....I've never stopped trying my best...and I give myself room to be angry when I need it. I think a lot of people either try their best most of the time, or don't put very much effort forward at all, so I think the second thing might be the advice I would give someone. To give yourself room to feel your emotions, big or small, just make sure you have a safe place to do it where you won't hurt other people too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ace looks stupidly unamused and kicks his feet up on your coffee table, blatantly ignoring the look you gave him for doing so. "You're bein' so formal. We're friends why are you acting like that?" You couldn't help but huff a bit, amused but not wanting him to know that. "I have to do this for Crowley, it's not like I want to. Just answer the question Ace, then get out, I have so many other people I have to get to today." You regret the second part of your sentence when you see his shit eating smile from across the way. He settles even deeper into the seat and sighs deeply, happily and puts his hands behind his head. "So I get your full, undivided attention until you get the answer you're looking for? Cool." "Mmm, mhm, you get my full undivided attention until you waste my time and I throw something at you and the countdown is starting my patience is paper thin right now Ace, do not test me." He scoffs and sits up properly, groaning out of boredom. "Fiiiine, but is it really wasting time if you're hanging out with me? You owe me an hour after thi-" "Sure, yeah, whatever, shut up and get out, or answer the goddamned question and get out." "Sheesh, ok, fine, the best advice I can give is for you to loosen up, Great Sevens you're tense." "NO SHIT SHERLOCK." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leona didn't even come to you for HIS interview, you had to go track down the lazy lion yourself. He mumbled something when you knocked at the door, but you didn't hear nor care if it was to come in or to go the fuck away. You let yourself in, sat at the end of his bed and waited for some sort of response. "I will throw this clipboard at your head I know you're awake." Clearly, he thought you were bluffing, as a few seconds later a very angry cat was growling at you, and your clipboard had bounced off his head and sat on the floor. You remained unphased, tapping your pen against his nose once, lightly. "You don't scare me, now what advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" "The fuck kind of question is that to wake me up from my nap from?" "The kind that if you don't answer I'm calling your sister in law and asking her to make you because I don't have time for this shit either Leona. Answer the question. And before you say anything about me not having your family's contact info, I do have both your phone and password so tread lightly." It hadn't been hard to get, Ruggie was an open book for the right amount of Thaumarks, and Leona's phone had been on the floor, but Leona looked mildly impressed for a split second before remembering he was annoyed, huffing and laying back. "You're lucky I don't eat you alive for throwing that piece of shit at me, herbivore.” “Are you going to answer the question?” “Yeah, I just woke up, give me a damn minute.” “Mira, set one minute timer.” Setting one minute timer. “Oh for Great Seven’s sake, is that how petty you’re being? Fine. If you can’t sleep it off, get something to eat. Now get out of my room, before I decide to eat you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruggie didn’t even bother sitting down, he recognized the set up from the year before and laughed a little. “Shyeeheehee if these are the same questions from last year, can’t y’just hand over the paper and pen and I can pretend to write something that Crowley won’t read?” You couldn’t help but snort a bit. While it was tempting, your curiosity for what the hyena boy had for advice outweighed your want to be a little lazy. Besides, at this point it wasn’t for Crowley, it was for you. “Not this time. I’ll be honest. I have a question for everyone, I’m just trying to maintain my sanity though, this isn’t about the headmage anymore, this is me holding on by a thread and looking for some hope for the future.” You laugh weakly, and Ruggie smiles a little, concerned, but it was understandable. You had a lot on your plate, and he was kinda happy that you were that honest with him. He finally sat down across from you and slung his bag from over his shoulder to sit on his lap as he dug through it. “I’m not great with advice, but my gramma always said something about if you wanna go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together. So surround yourself with people that are gonna getchya to the end of the school year, ok? Or until Crowley can send’ya home. The other freshies are doin’ a pretty good job from what I can tell but if y’ever need a lil pick-me-up y’can let me know. Might even do it for free.” He grins and winks at you as he finally produces an apple from his bag, rubbing it gently with his sleeve before offering it to you. “I don’t got much, but you’re doin’ a good job prefect. Hopefully y’can pretend that’s like…a bigger prize or somethin’. And I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said I could be a part of that group if y’want me to be.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack’s ear flicked a bit at your question, his rather stoic expression making you question exactly what was going through his mind. “That’s a pretty broad topic…but my grandparents and parents always say that ‘we will be known forever by the tracks we leave’…so…don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to be remembered for.” “Is that all you want to say?” He simply nods once, happy with his answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azul pushes up his glasses and chuckles a little. “That isn’t something Crowley had you ask, now is it? If advice is what you’re seeking, then perhaps scheduling an app-“ “Azul. I would love to hear you out but frankly I don’t have the time nor the fucks to give about your business deal you’re about to offer, so if you won’t answer the question, I’ll just inform Leona that you refused to co operate and I know how to push his buttons in just the right ways to do so.” An awkward silence filled the air before Azul cleared his throat a bit. “That won’t be necessary. Wisdom that had been imparted on me by my nonna goes as follows: chi non fa, non falla. In other words, he who makes no mistakes, makes nothing. The path to greatness is full of obstacles but can be paved as you learn how to get rid of them. In my case, I recognize that I was fortunate to have seen the road paved by my nonna, and learned from her mistakes so I wouldn’t have to make my own. On the other hand, not having had that example to follow would have allowed me- er…and individual to learn on their own so that they understand and appreciate just how much effort is required. As long as you’re learning, you’re not failing, and sometimes that’s enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jade looked rather amused at your question, folding one arm across his chest and holding his chin with the other. “Tried and true advice is the best advice I have to give. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, you never really know who you can trust.” He smiled a bit at you, but you weren’t quite sure how to feel about it. “I’ll be going back to the lounge now. If you require anything from me, I’m simply a call away.” Did having his number make you a friend or an enemy? Did you really want to know?? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Floyd giggles as he turns the chair around to sit in more comfortably, rocking a bit, before your question finally processes and all his excited movement stops and he slumps in his seat. “Awww but that’s so borin’. It’s not like under the sea where if y’don’t like someone you can just y’know…” he draws his hand in a slitting motion across his neck, tilting his head, and making a wretched squelching noise. “Soooo I guess the only advice I can give ya is if someone’s bein’ stupid to ya, call me! I’ll squeeze ‘em reaaaaal good for ya shrimpy!” He rocks in the chair a bit before he gets up. “I ain’t answerin’ any other questions, so ya better be happy with whatchya got.” It was good enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kalim was bubbly as ever, but tilted his head like a confused puppy at your words. “Oh um, I don’t really know. I did hear this one saying though that I thought was really pretty and it was like..um well it went like ‘don’t let the shadows of today take away tomorrow’s sunshine’.” He sat, expression rather blank but happy. He looked rather expectant though, as if he was awaiting praise. You smiled a little bit at him and decided to dive in a little further. “What does that mean to you?” He looked a little surprised, but really thought it over for a moment. “Well, everything can’t be great all the time. Things are usually ok at best for a lot of people, most of the time. But dwelling on the mistakes we make isn’t going to make us feel any better, so why hold onto them when we can let them go and be happy?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamil frowned, shaking his head a bit. “You’re asking me this now? What question are you going to ask everyone else?” He looked rather haggard, but you couldn’t decide if after the whole hostage situation, you thought he deserved it, or if you felt bad for him. You ignored your feelings on the matter for now and sighed. “Everyone’s getting the same question.” “Very well then. My advice is don’t fucking overblot.” You looked up to see a somewhat smug expression. “Ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers. I’m going back to my dorm prefect.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vil was poised and ready as ever. “That’s easy. The only way to ever improve is to practice. Most people say practice makes perfect, but that’s simply not true. If you don’t put your full effort into practicing, if you take short cuts, then you will never reach the level you hope. Perfect practice makes perfect. You must be persistent in achieving greatness; persistence is what sets apart the greats from everyone else. Regardless of what you’re practicing for, whether it’s a role in a movie or to develop patience, the saying remains true.” He smiled a bit and sat up more in his chair. “Was there anything else you wanted to ask me?” You smiled back a bit, finishing writing his response best you could. “Nope, that’s all for now. Thank you Vil.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rook tilted his head a bit and smiled. “Ah, mon trickster, is that all you are looking for? Surely the head mage would not be asking a question of this depth.” He hummed a bit to himself, not really looking for an answer from you- he already knew. “I don’t so much have advice as I do a saying I learned in my time in Pomefiore. There is no rainbow in the soul if there have been no tears in the eyes. Isn’t there such beaute in that? Your soul only grows more beautiful as it does strong when you face hardships, so do not despair when the clouds blur your vision and a downpour slows you in your path. I could simply go on for hou-“ “You really don’t have to Rook, I got the gist….I think. Thank you for your time.” He smiled and tipped his hat politely. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epel was more prepared than you may have thought, but it was appreciated. "You don't ignore the fuel gauge on a blast cycle when it says its empty. You don't ignore the flashing lights and alerts that let you know when your bike needs something. So apply that to yourself. You need fuel too, so don't wait until you can't go anymore to eat. Don't go until you're so exhausted you break down. Sometimes circumstance makes it difficult, but don't ignore the really big signs that's something's wrong and assume its gonna get better." As if on cue, his stomach rumbled, and he flushed a bit. "That bein' said, my dorm ain't exactly a picnic.  The servin' sizes barely fill me up and peanut butter can work miracles, but not that big. Jack sometimes brings me leftovers from the meals at Savanaclaw, and Deuce sneaks me desserts but it ain't the same as one home cooked meal a' comfort food, y'know?" You nodded apologetically. You refused to get actively involved, but you could offer a fellow freshman a hand. "If you bring ingredients, you can use my kitchen. Just don't get caught. And make me some food too." He looked surprised, then absolutely beamed and laughed softly. "Y'betchya! I'll make sure it's the best damn food y've had in yer life!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idia’s tablet floated in front of you. There was a drawn-out silence, and you wondered if he was even paying attention behind that screen or not. Finally, he responded. “Just advice in general? Lol why would you ask me? You want gaming advice, reqs, strats, sure then yeah, you could shoot me a text or something I guess but this is just p. stupid. I literally don’t leave my room and I’m a nepo baby what relevant and useful advice could I possibly give to a normie?” “Just give me an answer I can write down Idia, it really doesn’t matter.” “Fine then. Avoid middle schoolers at all costs. I can absolutely destroy newbs in game, but IRL? Those guys can pin down your biggest insecurities in two seconds flat and won’t be afraid to call you out on it.” “You took that from a comedy sketch.” “….shut up, I tried, ok? I guess…..read all the tips on the loading screen of a game when you get the chance. Does that work?” You sighed softly, before giving him a tired smile. “Yeah it’s good enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ortho let out a sad sounding beep. “What’s wrong Ortho?” The little robot kicked his feet a bit in his seat, processing. “I’m not human. I could give advice, but it might not apply the way I think it does. I could search for it, but it would not be my advice to give. Even if I said something as simple as ‘do your best’, I don’t know, really, what that means. If I give 100% effort in something, I’m pushing the extents of my hardware and software. I run the risk of overheating. I might hurt myself, and in doing that, waste my brother’s time in making him repair me over something that could have been avoided. I have my “best” programmed into me. A human can push past that discomfort, past that risk if they so wish, and in theory, achieve giving more than their best, or something that would be recorded as an anomaly or outlier in a research setting. I have no advice to give.” He lets out a sound like a sigh and sits cross-legged. “Even when I try to give big brother advice, when he follows it, things seem to go wrong. I don’t think I should be who you ask.” You looked over his defeated looking figure. You couldn’t help but feel empathy for him – clearly this had been on his mind for a while. You set aside your clipboard and held your arms open. “You look like you need a hug.” The little robot looked up surprised, then visible relief flooded his features as he nodded a bit and floated into your arms, hugging you tightly, but took care to not let his hair get too close to you. “Doing your best, regardless of who or what we are is all that matters Ortho. My best on a day-to-day basis fluctuates. Sometimes my best means I got out of bed in the morning. Sometimes my best means I finally do those tasks I’ve been meaning to do for weeks. Sometimes my best means I’m on top of everything, getting things done, and feeling great. Everyone’s best looks a little different, sometimes even within the span of hours. You’re doing great. You have people that care about you and will pick you back up if you need a little self help. While some of your capabilities are limited by programming, your actions are not. You still choose to help where you can. You are kind when you want to be. I think that’s when you’re at your best.” Ortho pulled away, nodding a tiny bit. “I think I understand. Thank you, prefect. I appreciate it.” Even though his mouth was hidden, the wrinkles around his eyes told you he was smiling again as he went on his way. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Malleus seemed intrigued, but a little surprised at your question. He shut his eyes gently as he thought it over. “For the fae, years pass by like seconds. To give advice that would only aid you in growth for the next year seems rather near-sighted, though I suppose for you, that is plenty of time to develop your character.” He hummed softly, trying to think of something he could give you, that wouldn’t be overwhelming. You gave him his time, rather happy in the comfortable silence the two of you were able to sit in. “I suppose I’ve always taken the passage of time for granted. Perhaps that is something I will work on as I set my own goals, though with that comes the advice I wish to impart upon you. Your time is precious. However, the only thing more precious is how you spend it. I only wish for you to be happy, healthy, and successful Child of Man. Ensure that the time you spend with others lifts you up, encourages you, and allows you to grow into your potential. I hope that one day, I will see you grow into your full potential.” He smiles softly, hoping that you catch on that he hopes you’ll include him in that circle of friends that will help you continue growing. However, it’s the wording he used that has you wondering if he has had something to do with why you haven’t been able to go home yet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilia giggles softly. “Asking for advice from your elders, hm?” He settles in his seat on the ceiling, enjoying the fact that you couldn’t hide a tiny smile from forming from his antics. He pouts thoughtfully and taps his chin. “There’s a lot I could say. Learning to change with time, to live everyday to it’s fullest, to learn to not be afraid to take risks, that there is value in re-evaluating who you’re friends with, that you should follow your heart until your mind screams no, icicles are ideal weapons, you can train crows to sound like humans and then send them after people you hate, develop your vocabulary to the point where if someone makes you mad you make them feel stupid in your response, that you should never swim on an empty stomach, but never go on a roller coaster with a full one, don’t stick metal where it doesn’t belong, never trust where a toddler’s hands have been….I was going somewhere with this.” He paused, spacing out for a moment before shaking his head and coming back to earth to finish what he needed to say.  “Truth be told, I think the most important advice I can give is learn to tell others how you need to be loved. Nobody will ever know what you need, so even if you can’t tell the full extent of what you need, someone close to you will do their best to interpret what you mean to get you what you want. The second step to that then, is to let yourself be loved. You are the only person who sees you in as harsh of a light most people see themselves in. Let other people in to make it better.” He beamed and turned right-side up again. “Will that suffice, prefect?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silver looked very concentrated, but needed you to repeat the question. He closed his eyes a bit as he thought, but seemed to startle when he opened them again and sighed. “Be grateful for what you do have, what you can do, instead of being upset at your incapabilities…you have other talents…and other traits than mistakes and shortcomings.” He sighed softly, mumbling something under his breath. You couldn’t make out much, but it sounded like something he had heard many times before, himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebek puffed his chest out, looking disproportionately proud at being asked for advice, though as soon as he opened his mouth you realized you forgot to set a very important boundary and interjected. “It can’t be about Malleus. At all. Or any specific person for that matter.” Sebek’s shoulders fall a bit and he looks a little annoyed. “You did not specify that BEFORE HAND HUMAN!” “Well I did now, so deal with it.” “FINE! I will share with you something that has been shared with me often. It’s-“ “Please your inside voice?” “THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.” “I bet you hear it a lot though.” “THAT IS IRRELEVANT. NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN COMPLETE THIS TASK, BENEATH ME AS IT IS, THAT I MAY LEAVE YOU TO YOUR PATHETIC UNDERLING WORK FOR THE HEADMAGE!” You didn’t justify that with an answer, just gestured with your hand for him to get on with it. He cleared his throat a bit and tried to calm down a little. “I was going to say…the more challenging a conflict, the more glorious the triumph. You mustn’t forget to allow yourself to be proud of what you have achieved. While your conflicts and mine may vary in how difficult they are, it does not change the fact that on an individual basis, we must acknowledge the effort we put in to overcome them.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grim sat across from you, his tail swishing curiously side to side, his head tilted and eyes wide before he grinned widely. “Course ya want advice from the Great Grim? Now listen up hench human, ‘m only gonna say it once so ya better make sure y’write it all down, got it?” You nodded a bit, trying to downplay your smile a bit at the toddler-like energy your companion emanated. He stood up on his chair, pacing back and forth a little bit like a drill sergeant. “Never eat expired tuna. If you’re really that hungry, no YA AIN’T. If ya need something from the tallest shelf, climbin’ on the counter is sturdier than any chair in Ramshackle. Sneaking food from the cafeteria works real well if your cheeks are big enough to store it!... And if ya don’t eat it as you’re tryin’ to make a break for it. Ace’s most ticklish area is behind his ear, which is why he always pushes me off when my fur rubs up against him when I’m on his shoulders. If ya ever need me to bug’m, let me know! I think that’s all I got for now.” He stopped and placed his paw on his chin in thought, before one more thing came to mind and he hopped over to you, pushing his face gently against yours. “Oh yeah. ‘Nd don’t forget t’tell the people y’care about they mean somethin’ to ya, in one way or another, 'kay?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------

[catgirl-catboy]

Mikan Tsumiki has Histrionic Personality Disorder

I bet you thought I was joking about typing up a whole analysis on this. Let me preface this by saying I'm not histrionic myself, so please let me know if I make any mistakes when discussing this.

This is less of a headcanon, and more of a theory due to the large amount of evidence, that being said, if you dislike or disagree with it, that's a-okay!

A nice long analysis under the cut.

To those unfamiliar with HPD, Wikipedia defines it as "a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking behaviors, usually beginning in early adulthood" which certainly fits what we see of Mikan in canon.

Here's a screenshot for evidence:

That being said, we should point out that Mikan's behaviours in high stress situations like a killing game isn't equivalent to how she'd behave normally. That being said, lets get into the actual diagnostic criteria for HPD!

I think we can right away check off E, since deliberately falling in suggestive positions is one of Mikan's main character quirks. I could post the CG of her doing this as evidence, but lets not.

I also feel like D is another easy criteria to mark off, since most of Mikan's relationships are characterized by her desire for approval and appreciation. This is most notable with her abusive relationship with Junko, but we also see some shades of this during her FTEs with Hajime, implying it isn't specific to this bad relationship.

Mikan needs somebody in her life that forgives her existence, and every action, both positive and negative, she takes. But that isn't all the evidence that I have that Mikan is continuously seeking appreciation and approval from others, since its a large part of her talent.

A lot of ways Mikan gets positive attention from others is through nursing them back to health, and its one of the few areas in her life she feels confident in. That being said, in one of her FTEs she says some... questionable things about her patents.

And here it is again in Danganronpa S, showing it wasn't just her phrasing things oddly.

Her working as a nurse isn't completely altruistic, since she feeds off the attention and power she has over her patients.

I think that checks off "continual seeking for excitement, appreciation by others, and activities in which the patient is the centre of attention" really solidly. I have less evidence for the rest of the diagnostic criteria, but I believe they fit anyway. I feel like she fits "self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions;"

but its a bit harder to say for sure due to a lot of Danganronpa characters doing the same thing, so its unclear how normal Mikan's reactions are in her own universe.

Mikan has one of the more extreme breakdowns of the series, but she was not entirely in her right mind at the time, so idk if I should count it. She also has a very extreme shot to the heart event compared to other characters, where Hajime must propose to her to get the best ending.

Here are some quotes where she has a very exaggerated emotional expression, for your consideration. ""Ah! I-I'm sorry for laughing so suddenly! I-It's just...I can't help it. I'm just so happy, I can't remember the last time I made any friends... Ah, not that you actually want to be friends with me! I'm soooo sorry I said something so...presumptuous! I'll do anything you say... Just...please don't hate me...!"" ""Ah, so in the end...you're all just a bunch of bullies, huh? Justifying your actions with fancy words... M-Making excuses for why it's not really your fault... E-Everyone always treats me like that... Always... "It's all her fault..." "Sh-She's the one with the problem..." I...I'm done with that! You hear me!? I'm doooooooooone! It's not fair...It's not fair not fair not fair notfair notfair notfair notfairnotfairnotfairnotfairnotfair... Why won't you forgive me!? If you did something wrong...you'd forgive yourself right away...! What did I do!? Why won't anybody forgive me!?""

I also think there's a solid argument for her meeting the "over-concern with physical attractiveness." criteria! It is the main way she gets attention, after all. A lot of her comments have to do with her body, and a lot of the presents she likes are things she can wear.

So long as you belive one of the 'maybe' criteria, then she has enough for a proper HPD diagnosis.

[carmybearzattos]

Post the adhd headcanon justifications PLEASE

ok so a lot of carmy’s behaviours that i’m gonna list here can also be symptoms of anxiety and ptsd, there’s a lot of overlap and also people with adhd are more at risk of suffering from anxiety and ptsd too. on top of that he’s also grieving so in my view he’s just got his horrible mix of all this stuff going on which is fun! sorry carmy

he got shitty grades at school, and specifies that this was because he couldn’t concentrate, but when it comes to cooking, something he’s really interested in, he can completely hyper focus on it with such an intense dedication that he gets *extremely* good at it and neglects his own well-being in the process. when it comes to syd’s business plan, and the IRS stuff that could cause sugar to lose her house, he struggles to focus on it, despite the fact that he knows how important it is. he prioritises the wrong stuff too, focusing on getting fresh ingredients for the beef and fixing up the menu and the way the staff work, instead of the glaring financial problems.

he’s super restless and fidgety, always on the go, fiddling with his spoon. he’s impatient with people and loses his temper really easily which points to a problem with regulating emotions. he’ll fly off the handle, and he’s bitter and spiteful about syd getting a good review. he throws things, he smashes stuff up, he gets in people’s faces and then regrets it later.

he’s impulsive and does stuff without thinking about the consequences. he hires syd without consulting anyone, and isn’t actually in a position to pay her. he organised the ballbreaker tournament to bring in money in spite of the fact that the restaurant wasn’t capable of handling the crowd (side note: he’s so proud until richie tells him off for it and i find it so adorable). he owes money to the IRS and to cicero but he’s gonna use his money to renovate his restaurant instead bc why the fuck not. he jumps in without thinking to break up fights and gets himself hurt and has done this as a little kid.

also the rejection sensitivity! of course it’s natural to be upset when mikey cuts him off, but carmy takes it really really really badly. he’s been rejected and his whole world has ended, it causes a complete downward spiral and he sees the rejection as caused by a flaw in himself. that if he can do something to make mikey proud then it’ll fix things, but it never does, so he just carries on constantly feeling rejected and not being able to cope with it. he’s got extremely low self-esteem and holds himself to very high standards, and uses cooking to seek approval. he wants mikey’s approval, he stuck it out in shitty jobs because he likes when people think his food is good. he’s got problems in his other relationships too, struggling to make friends at school, and cutting people off and withdrawing from everyone. socially he gives up, but professionally he works to become perfect. i remember jeremy once saying in an interview that carmy is very all or nothing and feels like if he doesn’t get what he wants it’ll basically kill him.

also i was chatting with @carmensberzattos about this and she pointed out when he just gives up on his play on the panettone, which seems like classic adhd “this wasn’t perfect immediately so i’m giving up on it”

i also think mikey probably had adhd too, but for him it presented more as him being loud and boisterous, and it also puts you more at risk of struggling with addiction.

sorry this became an essay 😭

[revelry-in-severity]

I did some minor updating to the designs for everyone. And then proceeded to ramble about them because why not

Lingering in Remnants:

First of all, Miku kills it in the new outfit. Slay girl. Second of all, Ena totally gets on Akito's case about having so many colors in his hair even if she was the one to do for him. With Nene being the only one to not have more than one color in her hair, An has been trying to convince her to do something about it.

Somehow, everyone always ends up at their concerts. They don't know how it happens, it just does. Shiho does not approve even if it secretly pleases her to be selling out so many tickets. She and Akito get each other fired up so much for practice, poor Nene

Astral☆Imagery:

Mizuki is adorable. Look at them. With Mizuki's and Airi's expertise in in being online and in front of others, they attract a bit more of a crowd this time around. They also have the opportunity for some nicely filmed videos of their shows.

Just Airi hanging out with her kids

Chronic/Ally:

Now there is a large amount of potential here that I didn't realize before. I sort of mentioned it in some of the previous posts, but then I really thought about it. Honami and Touya. They are opposites. Touya is a pretty honest character and not much actually troubles him but put the honesty that can make others unhappy against someone who hides what she feels to make others happy? Or the fact that Haruka would be on with Touya emotionally most of the time? While Kanade would be with Honami. This is some great stuff right here

Also, Honami and Haruka are more athletic than the other two. I just want to see Kanade and Touya collapse around them by attempting something small.

Euphoric Echoes:

You just know there is so much guilt surrounding Tsukasa and Ichika. If they had been anyone else then it might not have been there, but the older brother and childhood friend hanging out when the sister who connected them can't? Oh yeah, there's definitely a 'is this replacing Saki' mentality.

But also Tsukasa and Mafuyu share the similarity of acting happy to make others happy- Mafuyu obviously doing it more than him. The difference between them and Shizuku however is that they act around people they know. They can guess how to act as needed. Shizuku doesn't get to know her many fans. She doesn't get to guess around, but she needs to have these interactions go over smoothly. With Tsukasa as a blueprint, she definitely has a higher chance of just knowing when someone is acting around her

I also don't have a WxS Miku for a reason, I was gonna combine her with the n25 Miku. Like have her have WxS Miku's speech patterns

Playhouse Collective:

Kohane takes her photography a bit more seriously but always ends up sending photos of things for Ena to draw because she thinks they look neat. But also, let's face it, Kohane and Minori are both more mentally stable than the other two. Rui and Ena won't know what hit them

It's also become a game of hide-n-seek between Rui and the Miya girls to see who can find the drones he sends after them first. The goal to get them before a teacher does

[residentdormouse]

For that fandom ask meme, how about either Stand brainwormies, GoT, or our beloved Buffy? oAo

Thank you for the Ask!

(Fandom Ask Game)

I'm going to do all three, try and stop me! (As I have to wait until I get to a computer to answer instead of my shitty phone keyboard) And tagging @joeysjaskier, since I already started in on this after your ask with the Stand.

The first character I first fell in love with:

Depends on if we're doing specifically 2020 Stand or all around. If you asked me for Stands overall, I would say Nick Andros, because I saw '94 first. But 2020 didn't have me hooked until I saw Glen.

Tyrion Lannister always had my heart right from the start. I still want 'Never Forget Who You Are' tattooed at some point, and that was an episode 1 quote.

Willow was my girl from the beginning. The original do I want to be her, or be with her, questioning.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: 

If you told me before that I would be thinking about the Stand every day since I've seen the 2020 version for about two and a half years straight, I would have told you you were full of shit. That's all Glen Bateman's doing. Never anticipated this.

Jaime Lannister. I hated him at the start of it, and dammit if they didn't put him through the shit and make me care about him despite that. (And lets not talk about how pissed I am at his arc ending...)

Eh, it seems like a standard answer, but I didn't expect to like Spike either. But I think that was a surprise to a lot of people, show included, and grudgingly they went with it.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: 

I like all Stand characters, so its like picking the least liked of something you'd still choose over most other things, but I never connected with Larry. I should have, he has qualities that I should have connected with, but I just... didn't?

Similar to the Stand, I like most all characters from this, but have to pick, guess I'm going with.... *crickets sounds in my head*... fuck, I really don't have an answer coming to me.... Bran?

I don't really like Angel. They played the love interest, and I was always 'meh' at best. I even watched Angel too, but I'm going to give credit to Wesley and Fred there (any surprise since I'm using Amy Acker as my main OC faceclaim.)

The character I love that everyone else hates: 

I don't know if this counts, cause overall Lloyd is a very much loved character, but I think '20 Lloyd gets some shit because he is definitely different from the book/'94, but I love him still. Does that count?

Who's hated in this fandom? I'm honestly not sure if I differ from general public opinion....

Season 6 gets a lot of hate, but overall, I think its my favorite. I also have a soft spot for Jonathan.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

Answering for all of them. I usually don't fall out of love for characters. More often than not (like I said with Jaime above), they tend to grow on me out of nowhere.

The character I would totally smooch: 

Glen Bateman

Tyrion Lannister

Willow Rosenberg

The character I’d want to be like: 

Can they all still be the same as the smoochies?

The character I’d slap: 

Randall Flagg. Please. Please let me do this thing. I want to do this thing. Please let me do the thing.

Cercei Lannister. God, this would be so satisfying...

Warren, although I would give this one up to slap Randall Flagg one more time.

A pairing that I love:

I approve of Stu/Fran time, and my mind has drifted to Flagg/Lloyd time as well.

Jaime/Brienne

Buffy/Spike

A pairing that I despise: 

Despise is such a strong word... I really don't disapprove of many ships period. I may not always seek them out, but eh...

[mloreley]

Please I am begging you go OFF about CxG

Do you know what you're asking?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of the best representations of mental health on television I've ever seen. It doesn't shy away from difficult, or even obscenely troubled subjects, and the discussion in the show ends up in a healthier place than I think most comedies ever really go.

The show is a musical, which is an automatic plus in my book. And in fact, the context for WHY it's a musical is something that hits me right in my daydreaming baby heart; someone coping with real life stress by using daydreaming and music to work through something in their head. And it's not just a conceit for the premise, either! There's literally a plot reason for it!

This is a show that revolves around the relationships the main character has with the people around her; romantic, familial, friendship, and more. It surrounds her with so many different kinds of love, and explicitly calls it love. Whether she's able to recognize it as love is a different question, but then, it's always harder to see the love in our lives when we've been trained into believing we don't deserve it.

More (and spoilers) under the cut.

The show is about a woman with severe trauma and a long-standing mental health struggle finding and falling in love with herself. While the show does a lot of framing around the romantic relationships in her life, it's because she only considers love to be real when it's from a partner- someone who chooses to be with you, as opposed to family (for whom it should be 'the bare minimum', in her mind, even though she's still desperately seeking that, too).

She acts horribly for three seasons. If you've never fought with the demons implanted from severe neglect, abuse, and trauma, her actions make her unsympathetic; they make her "The Villain In [Her] Own Story", and she's just smart enough to be able to talk and charm her way out of consequences for a good chunk of it. Of course, those are skills she learned trying to appease her never-appeaseable mother, whose horrific treatment of her daughter forced her to overcompensate with placating, charming, ego-stroking, approval-seeking behavior.

And as someone who has struggled with my mental health my entire life, as someone whose behavior has sometimes been out of line, and as someone who has had to do a lot of self-reflection, I see every bad decision she makes and I ache for her to be better. Because while I was never as bad as her, I feel the same thought patterns, I see the lines she sees where others only see irrational, over the top awful behavior.

I could talk about the scene where she's shown all of her new friends and found family in West Covina mourning her disappearance in the first season, how it makes me cry because I've had to learn how to recognize that in the people around me. Not just in a "they'll miss me if I'm gone" sense, but just recognizing that you can touch people's lives in ways you can't see, in ways they may not always know you've affected.

Or maybe the scene where, cornered, triggered, panicked, and deeply hurt, convinced that she's already lost all of her friends and loved ones, she lashes out with the harshest things she can say to everyone in her life. I know why she does it; she's hurting, and she wants to be the one to 'cut the ties' before they do it to her. I understand that though process so clearly. But every venomous word she shoots at them, it's a wound in her heart just as much as it is the people who care for her. I know, because I've been there.

There's the scene after she hits her lowest point, where she no longer believes that anyone loves her, where she realizes she has no life either where she grew up or where she moved to and doesn't want to be in either place, where she hurts so much that the only option she sees to escape it is to take her own life. I can't even think of that scene without a sharp intake of breath and tears coming to my eyes, because it's so viscerally real. The moment she looks out the window, taking in the serenity of a blue sky with gorgeous white clouds, communicating the strange peace you feel when you've finally decided to 'go through with it', GOD it's so fucking real. It's a detail that I don't see included in most shows depicting a suicide attempt, and it tells me that the showrunners are speaking from experience.

And that immediately after setting that in motion, she finds hope at the very last second. That she seeks help because she has finally found that last grain of hope in her. It's executed so well. (Hey, I'm literally crying while writing this; it has a tremendous emotional impact for me).

The moments in therapy where she expresses terror over trying to find a relationship after the last serious one she had ended with a suicide attempt, and is scared knowing that it's a place she can go, or when she doubts going on medication because her last prescription numbed her out instead of addressing the problem, those are so. fucking. real. Real concerns born only out of having been through the process of finally seeking help and becoming afraid of 'going back'.

Or the last fucking episode of the show, where she discovers the most important relationship in her life; one with herself. Where the entire context of her imagining musical numbers to work through things comes back around; it turns out that composing music and writing songs is a skill? And one she never got the chance to explore because her mother denied her every opportunity in order to mold her into "The Perfect Daughter"?

Her relationship with Paula is the second most relationship in the show; they both change each other for the better, even as they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. The level of trust they build, and the genuine love they share for each other, is so healing for both of them. It's fitting that Paula is the one to eventually point out what Rebecca couldn't see; that she was actually really amazing, and not for what anyone else taught her to do, but just for who she always was.

The show does an excellent job of showing deeply flawed, real people who make mistakes, and learn and grow from them. It's a rare show where "everyone is happy in the end" doesn't feel contrived, because they've all earned where they end up.

I think I'm momentarily Crazy Ex-Girlfriended out at the moment, and this is still only scraping the tip of the iceberg and mostly in how much I personally relate to the main character (enough that I've actually begun looking into a similar diagnosis for the stuff I'm going through), but I hope you appreciate my going off on it a bit. XD Thank you for the invitation to do so.

[qibli347]

Shinji is in constant need of reassurance and people telling him what to do since he doesn't know for himself, he depends on others to guide him therefore he thinks if he does everything that anyone asks of him they'll be proud. However, he also has a deeply rooted hatred for humanity, if others don't love him neither does he love others or himself for that matter. That causes self hatred and self esteem issues that limit him to only doing thing to please others trying to seek out validation. This brings me to my next point, escapism from reality. In nge we see that he generally spends a lot of time alone, with minimal interaction with others. At some point he tried rebelling and going against what everyone else expects of him, running away. In the original series while piloting eva he keeps repeating to himself "i mustn't run away" trying to convince himself that what others tell him to do is the right thing therefore his opinion on the matter has no meaning. At the end of the series Shinji is most likely contemplating suicide with the thought that even if he does what others expect him to do he'll never be good enough and will always be alone. He is starved of human interaction wether it be intimate or emotional which leads him to giving in and doing some vile things to unconscious Asuka. Shinji shuts himself off from others when he's at his lowest due to the fact that he knows if he opens up no one will forever stick by his side because it appears that whenever he tried opening up to people in the past they left or betrayed him. Now moving on from that to his relationship with his father.  

Shinji makes it obvious he hates his father but that isn't true if we observe his actions. The person he wants to please the most and be good enough for is his father who abandoned him at a very young age. At the start of evangelion Shinji agreed to pilot only for the soul purpose of getting his fathers approval. He tries his best to get recognized by his dad and has a deeply rooted hatred for Rei since she seems to be closest to his father. Knowing that, he feels jealous of her. Therefore he tries even harder to get approval which in the end causes Shinji to sink into an even deeper hole of depression when he doesn't get it. In conclusion Shinji is very very misunderstood. Most people paint his character as annoying or as other say, a crybaby. Those statements are completely wrong and let me explain as to why. The main thing that is said is he complains, a lot and yes that is true, he does complain especially when he's forced to pilot the Eva but he still does it numerous times to please others since that's what everyone wants from him. A people pleaser.  

Another factor that I've already stated is that he escapes reality, an example would be him spending time alone listening to his music player or even doing what others tell him to do so he doesn't have to think for himself. It also appears that his biggest fear is being useless and unneeded. A lot of people will ignore that there is much more to his character and the huge development he gets throughout the show. Yes, the director did intend the viewers hate Shinji but that's because it was made obvious that everyone else in the show hated him for making the wrong decision therefore never giving him a chance. Shinji wants to be happy and to make others happy but the way he goes around doing that is completely wrong. You have to love yourself before you love others and that is his biggest flaw. So this brings me to my next point. What if we took Shinji out of the picture and placed you in his place instead, the viewer. And ask yourself, is Shinji really annoying because he cracks under the pressure of these things? Shinji Ikari just has a lot of dilemmas and is generally just misunderstood.

*@qibli347 died of overdose of Shinji*

[pinklovehealing]

Day 1: Introduction

Hello, and welcome! Call me Pink. I've wanted to start a blog chronicling my journey into self-love for several years now. I finally have the courage to do it. Today's the day.

Like many people, I have spent the majority of my life living from a place of self-hatred. I was living from a place of deep shame and found ways to disapprove of everything about myself. I was never good enough. I grew up in an environment that was emotionally unsafe and unstable. I often felt neglected. Alone. It was as though I could only interact with people from behind a one-way mirror. I could see others, but they could not truly see or hear me. Gaslighting was a common occurence. It was legitimately terrifying at times. My understanding of myself warped into something that was far from reality.

I believed there was something terribly wrong with me. I saw myself as something that needed to be fixed, but found it impossible to make myself "perfect". Obviously. No matter how much I tried to be something that won the approval of others, I still felt empty. This only compounded the self-hatred I felt, and I spent many years spiraling into despair. I became very hardened; apathetic towards life and never seeing a point in continuing forward.

As an adult, I struggled to share what I was really thinking and feeling with people around me. I felt like I was doomed to suffer. I felt completely unworthy of real love or kindness from others. I felt that I was embarrassing. I felt the only way I could be deserving of anything was if I worked for it. So, I became a workaholic and ran myself into the ground just to prove that I was worthwhile.

I struggled to stand up for myself, to ask for my most basic needs to be met, and instead sought about meeting those needs in very unhealthy ways with very unhealthy people who had nothing satiating to give. I was blind to this fact simply because I was drowning in self-hatred and was desperate for any kind of outside approval-- even when it didn't feel good.

In recent years, I have devoted myself to the path of self-awareness and to uncovering the very wounds that caused me to try and be something that I'm not. I have met with many wonderful people along the way, all of whom have helped me reach newer and newer heights I never thought possible. Although my journey is far from over, I have reached a milestone-- I'm ready to share more of my experiences out loud.

I'm nervous and excited all at once! But the thing I've learned is that the more I share my progress with people, the more comforted and inspired they feel. Turns out, no one knows what they're doing. And almost no one really knows what it means to love themselves. Few people have really solid examples to reference. I've also learned that it's because this kind of journey is not a one-size fits all. Everyone's relationship to themselves is entirely unique. What is healing for one person, is not always healing for another. That's up to the individual to decide. What I'd like to achieve here is to provide you with an example of what that relationship can look like.

We humans are multi-faceted and contain many different sides of ourselves. Like a lens that has shattered from the impact of trauma, each sliver of fragmented glass contains a different perspective. To be self-loving is to bear witness to each internal perspective, and offer it unconditional presence. To bring it closer. To understand it, instead of trying to control it or push it away. To seek out what it needs. To address those needs directly. We bring these different pieces of ourselves back together, repair the lenses, and allow the process to change how we see the world. More importantly, we allow it to change how we see ourselves.

It's an opportunity to see ourselves as someone who has always been whole. And please trust me when I say that hearing that sentiment from self-help experts and relationship experts used to trigger me to no end. I couldn't imagine that being true. It used to just make me angry. Sometimes it still does. And that's fine. I'm still learning.

It's a daily practice. It's something you can build slowly. We can't expect ourselves to make massive changes overnight; not all the time. It's okay to start where you are. That's what I had to do. I want people to know they are not alone in the pain they experience behind closed doors. I also want people to know that they don't have to drown in self-hate forever. I'm here as a testament to that.

From this point forward, I'll be sharing my thoughts and my struggles, my victories and my failures. Because I'm willing to learn how to love myself in every stage of my life.

That's my Valentine's Day gift to me. And I'm sharing it with you too.

[tengens-bunny]

i started this blog for fun and because i enjoyed writing fanfiction, but i eventually grew out of the kny fandom because of some of the people i met who made this whole tumblr experience just an awful experience

everyone is so obsessed with numbers, gatekeeping, and stirring the pot with stupid rumors that are either twisted, didnt know the full story, or just aren’t true (taken out of context even) there were also people from other fandoms that were literally just crazy and hate anons (i dont think i received as many as other people but it was still sad to see other people get bashed on)

my blog was my babey and i put so much work into everything i did, but i eventually started to hate my blog as a whole, it got to a point where i couldnt even consume fanfiction anymore because i was afraid that if it was similar to something i wrote i would get called out or cancelled for it

even tho no one owns a single trope, theme and etc.

my tumblr is no more and i dont think i’ll ever come back, but some of my works can still be found on AO3 (:

i still get those late night writing ideas i think about posting, and maybe i will post them, but i’ll prob assume a different alias by then 💕

much love to everyone who followed, supported, loved and defended me and my blog; it’s a privilege and honor to be considered a blog you once enjoyed

edit: not everyone likes me and thats okay thats life, everything is also spoken over text too so its hard to understand someone’s tone, it’s also frustrating when people dont read rules before requesting bc i worked hard to create them, i also started the blog at 19 i think so i’ve grown and learned from my own mistakes i made in the past and interacting with others; but also base your opinion on others based on your own interactions not through someone elses

[astroluvr]

can you do one where y/n is jack's assistant and they sneak around and stuff please

i loved this and ofc it had to get a little angsty at the end!!! thanks for ur request!

***

You'd been watching Jack do a rehearsal for the past hour. You stayed on the front row the whole time, watching as danced and smiled- he was truly himself on stage and it was a wonderful thing to see. The two of you had been sneaking around with each other for close to six months and it was becoming easier to tell that things were heating up.

"I know, but you don't have to show it. It'll be bad for your image."

"Can we take a break?" he asked upon finishing half of his set list and you nodded from the chairs. Everyone else who was really in charge also gave the go-ahead, but he was really only seeking your approval.

He nodded and started walking, causing you to stand up and follow him to the stage exit. "Watch the cords, baby."

He smirked at you and you looked around afraid that someone had heard you. Although the situation was a bit cliche, there was arguably nothing wrong with your and Jack's relationship. All it took was one night together on the town for Jack to realize he had to have you one way or the other.

You were always in his inner circle, and after you dabbled in business, he asked you to be his assistant and help manage him. Of course you agreed, it was great experience and a great opportunity to travel and learn about yourself. Not to mention, you got paid to wrangle around a giant child and make sure he didn't do anything too stupid and tarnish his reputation. You slept with him for free.

"You called me baby while we weren't alone." he teased, hopping off the stage and towering over you.

"And I'll never do it again." you glared at him and you could see in his eyes that he wanted to kiss you. You put a hand on his chest and he licked his lips. "We can't. There's so many techs who could take a picture."

"I know." he said, but grabbed your hand anyway. "Come to the dressing room."

"We'll have time in the hotel for anything you want to do after the show tonight." you whispered.

Jack was always the anytime, anyplace one. You were a little more discreet, and not because you knew how damaging a public relationship could be for his media presence right now. Even without being his assistant, you wouldn't have wanted to break your little bubble, as tiresome as it was, it felt like keeping yourself safe. If he broke your heart, you wouldn't have to face the music of social media or your friends or his circle.

"I need to kiss you now." you huffed and let him lead you back up the stage

"Hey, where are you two going? We're going to go grab lunch then come back." Neelam yelled, sliding her purse on and Jack looked down at you.

"I need Y/N's help real quick. I'll catch up."

"We can wait." she offered, and you sighed.

"Maybe we should just-" Jack interrupted you with another excuse across the venue.

"I'll get us a car and we'll meet you." he said, turning around and nearly running to the back with you in tow.

When he finally got you into his small dressing room, he was relieved to sit down and pull you onto his lap. You smiled when he puckered his lips dramatically and let his head fall back when you gave him a soft kiss.

"People are going to find out if you don't stop acting like you can't live without me." you reminded him as you played with his sweaty curls and he gripped your ass.

"I can't."

"Of course, we are. Now's just not the time." his hands left your ass and he rested them on the back of the couch.

"So what? I'm supposed to spend my life keeping up a fuckboy reputation?" he held your hips and you shrugged. "I won't. We've been sneaking around for six months, Y/N. We're serious about each other, right?"

You hated having this conversation with Jack. After you two realized what you had was a little more than late night flings, he was ready to tell everyone who would listen. Granted he wanted to keep it private, but anytime someone caught you two looking a little too friendly with one another, he seemed ready to burst with your secret.

"Is it about me? You don't want to go public with me?"

"It's about thinking logically, J. Everyone knows I'm your assistant and if we start not caring about who's watching, then what will that say about me or you or us?"

"I don't care, Y/N. I want you and only fucking you."

"You're on top of your game, Jack. You're about to release a number one hit. They're talking about pairing you up with models for PR, you're getting industry party invites. I'm not all you want, I'm all you know."

"So, what am I to you, then?" he asked, his blue eyes that were once bright as the sky dimmed and his hands that were eager to feel you up gripped the fluff of the couch.

"Forget I bought it up, Jack." you said, climbing off his lap and grabbing your purse.

"Nah, you had all of that analysis before, say something. Say I was just enough to get you off."

"Don't even try and imply that I was using you. I just know who you were before us."

"But nothing, nobody, could ever change me, right? I thought I was showing you the real me, Y/N, but you had the media in your ear the whole fucking time. That's fine, though."

Even through his rough delivery, you knew he was hurt. As you stood there, you thought about the past few months. Discussing all of Jack's next moves and watching what the world had to say about him and everyone's perception of him began to taint your own thoughts and feelings.

A critical lapse in judgement may have caused the break in your heart you were expecting Jack to deliver.

"Jack, baby, I'm not-"

He stood up and ignored you entirely. "Urban already sent a car back."

"Jack," you sighed, wiping your eyes as tears began to slide down your cheeks. "I'm sorry. You're the best I've ever known, I promise you."

He nodded and plucked a tissue from the box to hand it to you. He turned around and left you in the dressing room alone. For the first time in a long time, Jack left you without some form of physical affection. Not a kiss, not a squeeze, not even a wink or a text a moment later.

Just a cold reminder of what you had and what you could've had gone.

***

@whoreforharlow

[bnha-more-like-bnh-gay]

Rarepair headcanons because I am ignoring my problems

Serodeku:

Izuku reenacts the Spider-Man movies with Sero. Izuku is MJ. They also alternate being Spider-Man sometimes

They skate together

They get very protective when people call their boyfriend “plain”

They play dnd together

Sero tries to make sure that izuku gets some rest

They’re both kinda insecure, izuku more than sero, but still; and they make sure to reassure each other as often as possible

Sero likes listening to Izuku’s ramblings and finds them cute. He has told izuku this, only for the poor boy to imitate a tomato

After Izuku has been particularly reckless, Sero takes advantage of his quirk, wraps Izuku in bubble wrap, and tapes it there

Tokodeku:

Jocknerd bf and goth bf, we love to see it

Tokoyami teaches izuku how to sword fight

They start a dnd club at U.A.

Izuku talks to dark shadow a lot, Dark Shadow approves of him, and has claimed the spot of best man at their wedding

Izuku comes up with ideas to help Tokoyami gain control with Dark Shadow

Dark Shadow is very protective over Izuku, no matter how many times Tokoyami tells him that he can take care of himself, Dark Shadow will put himself between Izuku and any form of danger as often as possible

Dekoyama??? Aoyama/izuku:

Aoyama gives him makeovers, obviously

Aoyama drags izuku to the mall and tries to revamp some of his wardrobe, but he actually finds the “pants” and “flannel” type shirts cute

They help each other train their quirks

Aoyama is trilingual, and teaching izuku English and French.

Izuku always brings Aoyama home some new cheese

Y’all, I love them so much. There needs to be more aodeku content

Monoshinsou:

They have people watching dates. They come up with stories for the people they’re watching; their job, family, background, etc.

They judge people together

They call each other “love”

They’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They jokingly sh*t-talk class A

Shinsou said “I love you” first, and it was because Monoma brought him coffee to class

Monoyama:

Like monoshinsou, they’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They go shopping together and pick out the most dramatic pieces of clothing for each other

I love them so much, please 😭✋

They have tea parties every week, where they sh*t talk everyone else and gossip

They are both fancy bastards, and they wear the most exquisite outfits to go grocery shopping, and the outshine everyone

They both actually make clothing, they’ll go fabric shopping together. Gift exchanges are often articles of clothing that they’ve made for each other

Momomei:

They work on gear together!!!

Momo makes sure that mei gets some sleep

Mei helps redesign momo’s suit

They often work together with izuku to work in gear and such

They actually got together after izuku introduced them. He had been working on gear with mei, and studying with momo and he thought they’d hit it off. He was correct

Shintsuyu:

Dude they’d be so cute

Tsu is a vent gremlin, and you can’t change my mind. So she and shinsou will play a game where they try to find each other. Tsu is in the vent and shinsou is in the classrooms. Shinsou will try to find whichever vent she’s in, or she’ll find whichever classroom he’s in, in 20 minutes or less

I always headcanoned tsu as a dog person, so they’d have two cats and two dogs, and a bunny that they named Deku

They like comparing their friends to animals, hence the bunny, Deku

Kamideku:

Kaminari is a flirt, and izuku does n o t know how to handle it

Kaminari likes listening to izuku’s ramblings, and can keep up with them. He’ll ask questions on things too, and Izuku has never felt more appreciated

I don’t know why I feel like they’d have so many animals, but I do. They’d have so many, man. Three cats, two dogs, four sugar gliders, a hamster

Adhd power couple. They hyperfixated on complimentary things at the same time one time

Kaminari tutors izuku in English, and izuku turots kami in some other subjects. He’s also teaching kami JSL on the side. Kaminari has a live of languages

Momochako:

Study dates, Momo asks ochako to quiz her a lot

Ochako takes to floating momo’s things when she wants attention. Especially when Momo is studying. She makes a game out of how many things she can float until the other girl notices

Uraraka’s confidence does wonders for momo’s. Uraraka always makes sure to reassure momo that she is strong and that she can do this

Momo makes Uraraka whatever her heart desires. Uraraka blushes all the time, and momo takes great pride in getting her girlfriend to blush

Minatoru:

Mina clings to everyone, but especially to toru

They give each other stuffed animals so often. They’ll go to the store to get food, and come back with three stuffed animals that reminded them of each other

Please, they’re so cute 😭✋

They will play hide and seek, I stand by this.

Mina helps toru design a new costume. I hate hers, it’s horrible, and sexist, and not suitable for a fucking child

Toru says that pink is her favorite color

They flirt with each other all the time. Half the class thinks it’s cute, half of them used to think it was cute.

Iidamomo:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but study dates. they quiz each other, and it actually gets pretty competitive

They also have rage room dates. I will not budge on this. Iida tried to murder someone, and I am excited to see momo finally snap. She deserves it

They alternate paying for dates, don’t try me.

The go hiking a lot

They started liking each other after one late night, both having nightmares. Momo had tea, and offered some to Iida. They talked until the early hours of the morning

They can’t flirt. They try. But they’re horrible at it. They’ll compliment each other all day long, but they cannot flirt.

KIRIDEKU, MY BELOVED:

Y’all,,, y’all, I love them so much

They train together, obviously

They ran into each other one night in the common room after both having nightmares. They talked about middle school, how they were both bullied, izuku’s quirk coming in late, katsuki being abusive, kiri being bullied because his quirk wasn’t “cool.” After that, they were practically inseparable.

They started going on dates, not that either of them knew they were dates. The entire class knew, so did the teachers, so did the rest of U.A. Kirishima picked up on it first after a comment from Mina, he had is realization.

So, he started courting Izuku. Not thag izuku realized this. He brought him flowers on most ‘dates,’ he bought him hero action figures whenever he could, he complimented him until Izuku was red in the face (which was honestly very easy.) Still, izuku remained ignorant to the fact that he was indeed dating Kirishima.

The final tipping point, was due to Uraraka’s help. She was quite tired of watching the two of them pine for each other. It was amusing for the first couple months, watching Kirishima try so hard, and Deku being totally oblivious. However, she took pity on her friends after a while.

So, Uraraka devised a devilish plan to get the two together. She involved Mina, Sero, and kaminari in this plan. What was the plan, you ask? Oh, simply to trap the two in one room until they broke through izuku’s obliviousness.

Kirishima finally “straight” up admitted his feelings, to which Izuku had the sudden realization of “oh my gods, have we been dating this whole time??” Yes, Izuku. Yes you have.

They have two anniversaries after that.

Let’s be honest, they are really, annoyingly, horrifically lovey dovey. Kirishima brags about having “the manliest and bestest boyfriend in the world.” Izuku flaunts his many PowerPoint presentations on how talented and incredible Kirishima is

Uraraka doesn’t know if she did the right thing by helping them. She is so tired

Tsujirou:

Jirou makes playlists for tsu

The few sane ones in class A, I swear

They go on walks in the rain as often as they can

They go for dates in the bookstore too. They each pick out an album and a book for the other to listen to and read

Y’all, they make so much sense togetherrrrr, I’m love them 🥺

Jirou started liking tsu after the crew saved bakugou. Jirou sat with tsu after momo, Iida, kirishima, Todoroki, and izuku apologized and sat with her. They had movie night, and Jirou joined the Bakugou saving crew and tsu with taking well into the night. She just appreciated how much tsu cared

Tsu started liking Jirou after she helped Iida, momo, and izuku try to keep the class in order. She appreciated how diplomatic and calm she was

Jirou would talk to izuku all night long about how gay she was, and how adorable tsu was. So, izuku decided to try and suggest ways for Jirou to ask her out.

She did not end up getting to ask her out though, as Tsu walked up to her the next morning f and asked if she wanted to go on a date. Jirou said yes. Izuku cried

Izujirou:

They make playlists for each other

They go for runs on the beach a lot

They both have insomnia, and often spend time making blanket forts and talking, or FaceTiming and listening to music

Jirou walks into the common room once a week looking for new music. She started liking Izuku after he made a playlist for her for one of these occasions.

They’re both quite awkward when it comes to romance, but neither of them will shy away from facing the truth. So, Jirou made izuku a playlist filled with love songs that reminded her of him and sent it to him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou wrote a love song and told izuku that the song was for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou write analysis about izuku’s quirk for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell

So, then, after thinking that Jirou had done so much for him, izuku made her a playlist filled with love songs. Jirou took this to mean that izuku had finally picked up on her feelings, and accepted them.

So, they started to go on dates. Not that izuku knew this, as he is dense as hell. All leading up to izuku finally confessing his feelings on one of their ‘dates,’ to which Jirou responded, “dude, we’re already dating? Aren’t we? I- I thought that was obvious??”

May this awkward couple be forever blessed

Tokoyama:

Goth/prep boyfriends, we love to see it

At least once a day, Aoyama will proclaim that Tokoyami “shines almost as bright as he does, in his fabulous emo way”

They sword fight, and come up with really dramatic scenarios and scenes that they’re in

They bond over being in the izucrew and their shared love of swords. Aoyama took fencing classes in middle school, and Tokoyami got into sword fighting after watching it in pirates of the Caribbean as a young child. He is self taught and watched countless videos on the art of sword fighting

Tokoyami asked Aoyama our by dramatically presenting him with a dagger and going “will you accompany me on a formal outing as my lover?”

Shinyama:

They flirt constantly

No really, it’s getting quite annoying. Someone please stop them.

They both plop down in random areas and proclaim their deaths, the difference between them, is that Aoyama will burst into shinsou’s room, and yell “love, I’ve been murdered. Mourn for me” while plopping down on shinsou’s lap. Shinsou can be found laying face down outside aoyama’s door, and when Aoyama goes to open the door, he just goes “I’ve been murdered.”

^^ one time, shinsou did a very fun Halloween prank for this, where he poured fake blood all over himself for Aoyama to find him an hour later, asleep.

Nap dates. Aoyama get glitter all over shinsou’s room

Iiyama:

Aoyama enjoys making Iida blush, obviously. But he takes joy in doing it specifically when class is about to start. Aizawa is tired of his shit

Here is how I think an iiyama conversation might go:

Aoyama: I ask for one thing in this relationship-

Iida: Aoyama, you know that’s a lie-

Aoyama: for my boyfriend to carry me around all day-

Iida: Aoyama, I cannot feasibly do this with class-

Aoyama: and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for 😤

Anyway, Aoyama got carried around all day that day, despite Iida’s blush and Aizawa’s eye twitch

Everyone in the izucrew is close, but Iida and Aoyama started to get close after Iida told the crew about Stain. Aoyama wanted Iida to know that he wasn’t alone, and that he wanted to help him. So he started packing extra cheese for lunch and giving it to Iida. Iida was very confused at first. But this was Aoyama trying to court him. This was only made apparent by momo and Jirou telling Iida that this was aoyama’s attempt at expressing romantic interest.

Aoyama flirts with everyone, that’s just who he is. But with Iida? Oh it was tenfold. The poor boy was red in the face constantly. Aoyama was a persistent little bugger too, following him around and calling him ‘mon amour’

Kirikamideku:

My dearest traffic light trio, I’m love them

They train together, and kiri and kami always appreciate izuku’s analysis snd ideas

Kiri falls even more in love with izuku and kaminari when they go off on rants. Izuku rants and kami can keep up with him so he asks questions about it. Kiri loves to watch his boyfriends go on rants, I don’t make the rules, but I do enforce them

They started to get closer after kami and kiri found bakugou causing a ptsd flashback (could be on purpose of an accident, up to the reader.) they stated with him and tried to talk him through it. After this, izuku started to tell them about having been a “late bloomer” and being bullied, etc. (I don’t know, man; I tend to over share after flashbacks and after panic attacks)

Izuku tutors them in several subjects, but kami tutors them in English. Kiri just falls in love with his smart boyfriends

Izuku is teaching kami JSL and kami is helping izuku with English and Italian (personal headcanon that Italian has been one of kami’s special interests) kiri loves to listen to them, and finds it relaxing and calming to hear them do this. When he has panic attacks, he’ll ask them to tutor each other in different languages