#i also wish i wasn’t god’s greatest martyr like

[urbanfiltered]

:(

[flutteringphalanges]

Bad Moon Rising

Summary:  “Am I in Hell?” Agatha’s voice was hoarse, a hint of fear in her tone. “That depends on your definition,” Dracula answered. “Perhaps.” His fingers felt cool against her burning skin, the fever raging through her body. “If you’re going to kill me, then do it,” she mumbled. The count chuckled, gazing into her eyes. “On the contrary,” he smirked. “I’m going to save you.”

((In which Dracula cares for a gravely ill Agatha))

Characters: Agatha Van Helsing/Dracula

Rating: T

Read on FFN and AO3

A/N:  Thank you so much for all of your reviews/comments/kudos/etc! You guys are the best! Now, as promised, the next chapter!

                                              Chapter Two

Fevers are a troublesome thing. Fickle hallucinations leading one to doubt their sanity. Even then, would her imagination be so cruel as to conjure up the specter that was Dracula? Unless she was indeed dead. Perhaps in Hell. No. The Damned wouldn't be tortured so. Before her he truly was, in ungodly flesh, the count himself. How she yearned for death to find her.

"Somewhat lucid I see," the vampire replied, looming over the nun. "I dare say you had me worried back there. Ah, Sister Agatha Van Helsing, a true martyr to the cause."

"What exactly do you want with me?" She whispered hoarsely, the physical act causing her great pain. "I'm dying."

"Of course you are," Dracula said with a smile. "It's rather fascinating watching a human body break down. But," he paused. "Your absence wouldn't be much use to me if you were just a husk. I'm a man of science, of reason. Not, I dare say, a mortician."

"So you are going to transform me into a vampire?" Agatha scoffed weakly. "Or drain me of my blood? To learn everything there is to know?"

Dracula clicked his tongue, moving to the other side of her bed. "Agatha, Agatha, Agatha...For someone so educated, as you put it back at the convent, you really do lack the deduction skills. Transforming you, blessing you to become my equal, is not on the current agenda. What is, is a chance for me to study you from a different angle. I," he grinned. "Am going to save you."

"Save me?" She inquired, entering into a fit of coughing. "S...save me? Is that code for something?"

"I assure you it's not," Dracula responded. "Think of it as...a favor. I do something for you, and you owe me later. Quid pro quo." He leaned over, mere inches from her face. "You are an intriguing specimen, Agatha. Something so valuable shouldn't go to waste."

"No," she said, surprising how firm it came out. "I'd rather die than be in your presence."

The vampire seemed to think for a moment before clasping his hands together. "Alright then," he exhaled. "I can't keep you against your will. You're free to leave if you'd like."

She eyed him suspiciously. "You wouldn't try to stop me?"

He shrugged. "No, it would be a loss for sure. But then again, I suppose I could find someone as interesting. I have lived for centuries."

Agatha inhaled, watching the still expression on his face as she tried to force her body off the bed. Her legs betrayed her. Limbs too heavy to move. Just the mere attempt of leaving sent shock waves of pain to every nerve. She was weak, incredibly so. She knew Dracula was smiling. Knew that he was well aware of her condition and hated him even more. Agatha was trapped whether she had the will to escape or not.

"So you'll be staying then?" He inquired, false innocence in his tone. "A good thing too, a storm is coming. It'd be a shame if you were to be caught in it."

"I despise you," she hissed, her head beginning to ache. "You disgust me."

"Bold words," he smirked. "But not the first time I've heard them. Now just rest and leave everything to me. Consider me your physician if you will." He swatted away a fly that flew too close to Agatha. "And please, pardon the insects, they come with the territory."

Agatha tried to open her mouth to counter his words, but she found herself unable to do so. The room spun around her, the flames engulfing her once more. She tried to fight the fever, battle the consciousness that came with it, but it was in vain. Dracula watched intently as she slipped away, pulled by the welcoming emptiness that was sleep.

Dreaming, a state much like purgatory. Being trapped between two worlds, consciousness and a stage of sleep that is deep and thoughts non-existent. Even though she was gravely ill, Agatha knew she was no longer awake. That this wasn't real. That the woman standing before her, expressionless, arms folded, was a trick in her mind. She was dead after all. Mother Superior.

"You've found yourself in quite a difficult situation, Sister Agatha."

"It's nothing I cannot handle," the nun said, feeling rather exposed by the blinding white light that surrounded them. "I just have to keep level headed."

"Brains before the Lord?" The older woman inquired, tilting her head. "Have you considered reaching out to your true calling?"

"If God had sought to help me, would I not be where I am now?" Agatha replied. "Would he have left me in the belly of the beast like I am now? Death at the door, prey to a monster?"

"You've always been one of surprises, Sister," Mother Superior answered with a thin smile. "One of my favored pupils despite your lack of faith. And where has it led you?"

"To my impending demise? Is that what you are trying to say? That this is a result of being forsaken? Your attempt to patronize me hasn't brought forth any desire to repent my ways," she frowned.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, Agatha," the woman stated. "Perhaps He is presenting you with a challenge. A test if you will. Facing your greatest foe. The question is, will you accept? If you truly wish to learn about Count Dracula, you have been given the opportunity."

As much as Agatha hated to admit it, perhaps the old woman was right. Perhaps this was a chance to learn more about Dracula. Though she would be made to suffer through it, would it be worth the outcome? Had she much of a choice? She swallowed, feeling the heat of the invisible flames licking at her skin.

"Observe him while he believes he has the upper hand?" Agatha implied.

"Precisely," Mother Superior smiled. "God works in mysterious ways, Sister Agatha. Perhaps you'll begin to see."

Agatha.

The nun looked to the older woman, noting her lips were no longer moving.

Agatha.

The voice sounded distant, but soon grew closer. The ground around her began to shake, the image of Mother Superior drifted away. Agatha stumbled, trying to hold her ground as the bright light disappeared from around her.

"Agatha, wake up."

The former nun gasped, her eyes shooting open. Her body trembled, head throbbing as she caught sight of Dracula standing before her. If her eyes didn't deceive her, he almost looked slightly concerned.

"You were talking in your sleep," he commented. "Incoherently."

For the first time, she noticed a rag in his hand. When he approached her side, Agatha attempted to shy away. If she had the strength, she would've swatted it away as he placed it on her forehead. Cool. Wet. It was soothing to her burning flesh. Part of her wanted to sigh, but the other, more reasoning part didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Instead, she remained still, her eyes locked on his.

"Were you having a nightmare?"

He sounded genuinely curious and it made her skin crawl. Agatha said nothing, trying to slide deeper under the covers. She was exhausted. So tired. Dracula standing there eyeballing her like a prize chicken wasn't helping. She remembered her dream. The advice her brain "Mother Superior" had suggested. Learn about him while he thinks he's doing the same.

"Do vampires dream?" She inquired.

"Anything with a mind dreams, Agatha," the vampire exclaimed. "A dog. A monkey. Perhaps even a flea. If one sleeps, one can dream."

"And if I were to tell you I had a nightmare, what would you say?"

"To only hope that I was a part of it," he smirked. "But the feeling would extend if I was in your dream also."

"Then you'd be disappointed," she mumbled, bleary eyed. "Now if you'd be so kind, if at all possible, I'd like to go back to sleep. I'm feeling rather weary of your presence."

"But of course," the vampire smiled. "How rude of me. Rest well, Agatha Van Helsing, I'll keep an ear open if you need me."

"I won't," she muttered.

"All the same," he smirked. "Sleep tight, don't let the bats bite."

Agatha watched as the vampire left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar much to her displeasure. She allowed her eyes to close, trying to focus on the cool cloth on her forehead. She would be the one victorious in the end. Even if it took her last breath. A new fire burned deep within her, spreading along with the fever. Competition.

[opes-magnas]

The Funeral

How would it be, if you could see your funeral unfold?

I can’t believe they let the casket be open! Gosh!

I can’t look at myself that way, of course no one wants to look at themselves devoid of life and rotting away but it was much more harder for me to be another entity (which I didn’t believe to exist) and just stand there letting my body lay there when I desperately want to wiggle into it, like a cosy blanket that covers your toes when it’s cold but sadly that’s what death means, its finality only hits you only after it scoops up your soul, from the tiny little nest in your body and sets it free, to float in the air, to become one with the soil, to flow like water, to burn like fire or attain peace if that’s what you were destined to for, be one with the most singular core of the universe, which I am yet to know because I’m still here.

With death also comes revelation of secrets which were hidden in plain sight that everyone looked for but never actually desired it or wanted it only for the sake of knowing it. It’s like that tiny voice inside your head which speaks to you and you know everyone also experiences the same thing but no one really speaks about it or wants to prove it.

Wow! death did make me philosophical which I never was, but now I’m not Scarlett Hamilton I’m just a lost soul detached from its anchor, I don’t even know why I’m here, but the weird part is I can still feel strong emotions towards all the people I loved or even hated, I can see my daughter crying a river out, those salty tears roll down like beads stringing along a long pearl necklace I once wore.

Yup, now it’s just getting started, maybe I have willed myself so hardly too able to witness the grandeur of the world just once last time before I go wherever I’m supposed to. So my metaphorical body’s shaking at the thought of being a spectator to my own funeral.

The service started and I was standing on top an empty chair in the last row, I saw my husband standing near the casket with my four other brothers. He’s still as handsome as the first time I laid my eyes on him, I still can’t believe that I landed him, he is like way out of my league.

Those deep blueish green eyes, which appear like the sea bed whenever sunlight hits on it at very specific angles and brings out this certain depth, a mystery, which I would try to unravel every time I gazed into them and one day while eating French toast in a small Parisian cafe I made a rather curious analogy to this one puzzle that I just couldn’t get right, a continuous clockwork ticking and every second it’s different and that can never be brought back and a mystical creature might pop out any moment and he laughed his wide goofy grin which made his dimples appear distinctly. His platinum blonde hair slightly below his ears almost caressing them lightly, I can still remember the way I used to run my fingers through it like it just happened this morning, oh! It did. I’m happy that was the last thing I did before you know, I died. The rippling of muscles can still be seen underneath that black suit he’s wearing, which I picked out for him to wear to the his big Oscar after party. Everything just feels so real yet so far away, I’m right here, but I’m a world away from him. I guess I felt this way when we had a big fight about well I don’t remember what and honestly it was stupid but we stopped talking and when I was sitting right next to him, I felt miles and miles away from him. It was the worst.

I’m longing to have another moment with him, just to tell him that I’ve loved him until my very last breath, literally, that no one else could ever have made more of an impact on my life other than him, and I just have so many things to do.

Funny, now I want to do so many things when I’ve wished to die like a thousand times or probably even tried to. But now since I’m really dead all I want to do is live another moment.

Shaking off the deathly feeling, yeah now I’m definitely in the second stage of grieving, “the acceptance”.

The service started with the father saying some kind words about how I always was such a big donator to the church funds, honestly I did it because I didn’t know what to do with the money I had, it might come of snobbish but that was the truth. Now I’m being applauded for an act I did, not in the intention everyone believes it was done.

Now, I wish was more spiritual than I was, to actually believe there is something out of reach which I thought wasn’t possible cos the motto I always believed in was, ‘There are no boundaries to the knowledge you can unearth. Science can become quite lonely, even when you’re the most alone, if you could just believe you have one other person with you, God, it would be so splendiferous just to never be alone.

Focus, you insipient fool, focus! these are your last moments on this beautiful world, you’ll probably be eternally damned to the meadows of asphodel to have time to ponder upon the tiny nuances of life, right now take in as much as you can, you probably won’t remember Darcy, Ophelia, Zoheth or for that matter Zeke when you leave.

Then, my best friend walked up to the podium, I could the rivers of mascara gushing down, unrestrained, like the mighty rivers, sparing no one who stood in the way, right now the only things that stood in the way were tiny mountains of acne, pimples which were barely visible, but as she always said I was omnipercepient, but that was arrogant on my behalf to actually believe it deep down.

Euphemia, ‘the well-spoken off’, ‘the one who martyred for what she believed in’, is actually what her name means, and I was always awed like how her parents could have even the slightest clue that she would one day live up to the glory that her name had already bestowed on her.

Somebody, in some late night show once asked me to describe Euphemia as a scent. I sat baffled for a minute, because I thought of her as this limitless person who couldn’t be bound by timidity of just words but I did try my best.

I distinctly remember the first time all of my green roses (that’s something I call my gang as, I identified each of them with these characters from Oscar Wilde’s books the first time I met them, and I do hope someone gets this reference for once)

We went hiking to the grand canyon, we climbed uphill all day long soaked with perspiration, but when we reached the peak, I had to remind myself to breathe as I felt so awed by nature, like those slightly purple pink rock mountains rising majestically as in a challenge to the sky, splitting the clouds into an shards of glass when they’re broken, but reflecting the dazzling light in all its glory all across, in every colour I could ever imagine about, huge trees appeared like chess pawns moved here and there by the will of these cordilleras, I just relished every moment I saw this marvellous creation.

Then at night we lit this bonfire, which emanated a strange crackling and pungent smell at first but it soon felt so familiar. Warm and fuzzy that I felt I’ve been discerning this forever. That is how I think Euphemia would be if I could ever convert her essence into a scent.

She pursued her full lips, biting the inside of her cheek, knotting her overly expressive eyebrows into this broken bridge, contracting her face into a lemon being squeezed out of its limit, I could feel the turmoil she was in just by glancing at her. She gripped the mic with her freshly manicured nails and began to speak in a tone I’ve heard her use only a few times.

“Scar, I wish you were here with me…. umm I don’t know what you would want me to say though we talked about every single thing on earth, being the twisted sisters 2.0, but we weren’t dark to begin with.

As you always said, with every end there is a new beginning, as today marks the end of your mortal life here, I so want to reminisce the beginning we had which some might say is odd but we were never normal to begin with.”

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I was walking towards me to be dorm, on broken cobblestones, just thinking of how small electrons can be and walked up the creaky wooden stairs and reached ROOM 27 , and I knocked the door and heard a ‘come in’ and dragged my two very huge suitcases in to see her standing there.

She scuffled over in her very high heels thumping methodically against the floor and when I was just about to measure its oscillation period with my pulse rate, she hugged me.

I’m not hugger nor am I a “people person”, so I responded with an awkward side hug and my face buried in her brown curls cascading down to her shoulders.

You must be Scarlet, the genius whiz kid! Hi, I’m Euphemia Clarke, I’m an undergrad in English lit, women studies and philosophy. So?

Umm… I’m scarlet Hamilton, I’m a grad in theoretical and quantum physics and English lit.

But, your of my age, how could you be a grad student? Yeah, I forgot momentarily that I’m in the presence of the next greatest scientist here, ooh we’ll be buddies in English lit. But why English lit? It seems like an odd choice for a science person to be interested in... And your also doing a double degree... what can’t you do! I must bagged the lottery in roommates cos you’re just a dream to be with and ooh nice dress huh... Zara 2018...chic, edgy and makes a statement... thank God! You have a nice taste, I couldn’t possibly live with a horrible makeover gone wrong nincompoop, I would just die a thousand deaths before that.

Uhhh...

Yeah?

Um... I should get settled in, then I might have to go and take a tour of the library, it’s pretty huge and also do some other admin stuff, so I guess I’ll see then.

Shut up, I’m going to help, it literally took an army for my room to be done, I came like 2 days early just to do some painting work, what colour do you like? We could...

My head kept spinning and jumping on ropes just to catch up with her, all I could hear was an echo of words and she did a graceful swirl and smiled at me, “we’re going to be just fine.”

I had the chance to then observe her like I did everyone, a “perfect body” some magazines would say, slender, about 5’2, a brunette with deep green eyes , her eyebrows deserved an award for all the jumps, somersaults, backbends they did and her smile made me feel like I was tasting honey on a warm summer afternoon at centennial park.

I certainly can’t be friends with her, she’s one of the high and mighty sorority girls who went on a shopping spree to Dior, Chanel and Marc Jacobs and spent like $500,000 dollars buying a pair of fur coats and heels and wanted to become a socialite fluttering at parties being ‘the pretty one’ and marry some rich guy and came to colleges like Yale only cos ‘daddy’ paid whoever was looking at her essays to look the other way.

God! Am I judgmental?

(Some months of awkward conversations later)

We were walking to English lit together and she was strutting like a Ralph Lauren model on a runway in ridiculously high heels and just took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze without even looking at me and held the door open.

Today we were discussing about ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and because I’ve almost read the book a hundred times I was very excited to what kind of discussion we were going to have, I have looked at the book from my perspective which is can vary from a hopeless romantic to a strong feminist depending on what kind of mood I’m in, I want to see the book how a person who doesn’t believe in love, feminism, freedom sees it, obviously I will take it offensively but my curiosity multiplies by the second.

She and I spilt as we walked into the class, she went towards the back.

I found my seat in the middle of the amphitheater like classroom, which I think was chosen for English literature class specifically just to add that glamour, majesty and that extra pinch of drama that old English prose gives off. Clever.

Ms. Dalloway started reading the book, which opens with an immortal statement, “It is truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must in want of a good wife.” Why don’t we kick the class of by a discussion on this iconic statement? Anyone up for the challenge?

Aah. Scarlet, not you again, I sincerely hope the next time you will allow the other nitwits here to use the fragments of their brains left. But, go on, you certainly are the person to speak about this book.

I think what that sentence means in plain English is that any man who is rich and handsome wants a trophy wife just to look at him as if he’s the greatest and adore him like a silly schoolgirl and basically smother and mother him and nurse his big giant ego.

I think this sentence is truly aptly describes how the society was and is, women are always reduced to matter of objects traded between men and valued only for looking pretty and being a social butterfly and the main goal in their life is to be a human incubators or rather baby machines. On a more serious and highly unfair note of beauty standards, however ugly the man is, he wanted a small waisted, thin, fair maiden from a “good family”. I mean women almost killed themselves trying to please men, wearing those corsets as tight their lungs could probably burst, lead powder as kohl and what not, just so men could feel valued, I don’t know even they even knew what self-respect meant. Jane Austen is a genius, she almost gave a jist of her novel in the very first sentence.

I don’t think she is the right person to speak about this book, Ms. Dalloway, she has only the view of a feminist, when one talks about a book, and it must be from an unbiased view.

All heads turned towards who spoke, even I was surprised that Euphemia could even think about anything other than her Manolo Blanik pink lacy heels she bought yesterday.

I think this story is totally unrelatable, yes I am a woman but it didn’t make it any easier for me to relate to it, I mean like everyone sees Miss Bennet as a prime example of Feminism, strength and how women can make their own way and stand by the things they believe in. But, she is as shallow, narrow as the other women and a big bully. She makes fun of Mr.Bingley because he is isn’t tall, handsome when she herself believes that women must not be judged for their external beauty. Men and women having equal opportunities, isn’t that what feminism means, and isn’t she being a huge hypocrite when she is going against the very ideals she believes in? She also mocks Caroline, who calls her family out on their shit. So, that makes her exactly the same as the others.

That was when I knew she would be my best friend.

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“Yeah and that’s how I knew she would be my best friend, because she stood by what she believed in, actually it is funny my name means the saint who married for what she believed in and her name means wealth and both of us embodied what each other meant and then had an epiphany that we could be what we were meant to be since we were born by looking at each other.”

I will be eternally grateful to Scarlet for making me more than a pretty girl, a woman who was a force of nature, who couldn’t be stopped by these insipid little men. I love you my dear, I always have. The only regret I have is I didn’t say it as often as I wished to. I love you, you have left an everlasting scar on my heart.”

Oh, Mia, I know, I know…

I saw her walk down the aisle and I remembered the day I walked her down the aisle to her husband and she looked at me and told, “You have left an everlasting scar on my heart.”

She looked at Zeke and nodded and went and sat next to Jake who kissed her cheek ever so tenderly and squeezed her shoulders just like I used to and she broke.

Many others spoke, like my mum, whose sentences weren’t distinguishable because of her crying and how God should have taken her instead, and it is so terrible to live after your child had died and looking at my face which was full and pink now shrivelled and almost passed out just to be caught by Papa, who couldn’t look her in the eye.

Mama always loved me dearly, I was the only girl out of 4 boys who were tough, burly and never asked for a kiss and a hug before running off to school, chatted with her late in the night explaining how she saw the world from her tiny green emeralds for her eyes and asked her flaming red hair to be combed into braids and always was willing to hear family gossip.

Well, papa wasn’t as warm and gooey as mum but he loved me , I knew it when he was hard on me to study better even when I got straight A’s and had skipped grades but didn’t give my brothers a twat when they scored less than adequate. He believed in me, which is more than I ever could ask for.

Maybe my cold and hard side was because of him, I was very analytical and logical and never let my emotions interfere with my decisions except when I said yes to my husband.

I never said this thought out loud, not even thought about it to myself, I was never a warm and gooey person who went around telling people how much I loved them, so it comes as quite a shock to me that I could even think of it. Maybe death brings finality to little things that were left out.

Saying the word still gives me chills, which reminds me again that we are never ready for things unless forced upon us. Whoever thinks they are ‘ready’ for life, they mostly never are, I never was.

My children came up, Darcy held Ophelia and Zoh like a fierce lioness protecting her cubs, I knew I raised her right, she took the mic and started speaking so confidently, she turned her steel grey eyes and looked right at me, a sharp light baring through my soul, almost as if she could see me and nodded her head right at me.

“Sorry, mum I haven’t shed a tear for you, even though the cessation of this hasn’t quite hit me yet, but I could see the differences already, nobody told if this black dress was appropriate or if my looked okay and Ophy and Zoh relied on me completely. I am sorry, but I know you never expected me to cry, but I think I know well enough to tell you expected me to be great. I still remember you whispering in my ear, before I entered Harvard, “Be Great or Nothing”, and those words were repeated by me in the break of dawn every day. You were what I wanted to be, independent, brave, most of all I was grateful to God to be blessed with the lottery in genetics. So, ma, that’s what I’m going to be, great.”

I saw the way her eyes sparkled with fear, fierceness almost as if her heart had broken into a million pieces yet she was holding it together not for the sake of putting on a show, but for herself. All I could do was smile, a huge grin actually, all the time I wanted them to be ordinary people, but she proved me wrong, greatness runs inn our blood.

Zoh and Ophelia, my little babies, I wasn’t worried about them either, they did cry though but chanted this one sentence together, “ Vincit qui se vincit .” and the three of them bowed before my casket, touched my feet, an intense bolt and I could hear them whisper together, non-duco ,duco.

An intense bolt of lightning shot through me, I looked at my arms they became almost transparent now. I could feel myself fading away, being sucked into but, I was ready to go before hearing his voice one last time.

My children, I was proud of myself to have raised them, but I looked at the sky above me and thanked the Gods for giving such Brave and strong humans into me. Thank you, thank you.

I was so lost in the maternal glory and satisfaction, I didn’t notice Zeke passing out on the podium before he even uttered a word.

He slowly swayed down, his eyelids shutting down on his beliquent violet eyes gleaming with distress and grief, his hands went upwards in a dramatic manner and his knees buckled down and landed with a thud on the floor, out of habit his eyes frantically searched the room for me before giving out a guttural scream in my name.

Suddenly, everything moved so slowly, people sauntered about as glaze leisurely dripped of a cake, none could hear me screaming, scratching and pushing past everyone to hold him.

The next thing I remember is sitting in a rushing ambulance moving like those cars in video games, twishing and twashing around other vehicles but never actually touching them. I could feel his heartbeat getting fainter and fainter and his hand grappling to my side. I put all the strength I had left in me to push his intense desire to be with me.

The doctors were speaking in a feverish pitch and everyone was so focused on saving him, my reality jilted and I was back in the Lake District National Park, the glacial ribbon like water was still the same, where the sky kissed the tip of peak Windermere who was stretching into the sky, looking for lost love, the purple pink flowers scattered around, the manifestation of temptation, no one resisted in plucking them out ,, the reflection trees into the almost ice like water gleamed like crystals, miles and miles of grass stretching infinitely and in it were a thousand insects, chirping and hooting and going by their lives not knowing the amount of tragedy that has befallen the world and a plaid picnic spread over with all my favourites which included my person.

I remember this day, the day of my betrothal to my beloved.

Ezekiel, the same serene look on his face, his mouth puckered into a smile that tugged at his dimples, his platinum hair swaying the wind and his hands beckoning me towards, as much as I wanted to go, I stood rooted where I was. Even if I moved an inch, I somehow became aware of the repercussions, the loss of his life, the more intense his desire to stay with me, the less will he has to live.

Dr.Burke once said, “With all medical realities being equal, why does one person live and another die? I believe there is a mind, body and spirit connection.”, if Zeke doesn’t want to live, no matter how much the odds that favour him, his body will defy everything to be with, me.

Our love, was the kind of love that came around once in a lifetime, the pure love which doesn’t expect anything in return but just loves not because of the looks but because of the thoughts, the feelings and mostly the heart. I loved Zeke with every inch of my body, every cell in my being and it tears my heart to leave him alone, but I won’t be selfish today. He still has a lot left to do, his time hasn’t come yet, and death hasn’t knocked upon his door so I’m not going to slip the key to it.

He smiled, “Scarlett, my sun, my moon and stars, come, please. You know why, I can’t live another minute knowing you’re not there to lay my head upon your lap and talk about how our day went, or to see your chest collapse and fall with every breath, the comfort it gives me, just in  knowing your alive . No, no, no!!”

I know, but you must always remember that I will be live as long as there is a place for me in your heart, I will live in those times your remember me and smile, I will live in those moments where you and the kids look up to the sky and say my name, I will live as long you draw breath, do you wish to kill my legacy? Do you? Go back Ezekiel, go back, I will wait for you.

His face contorted into a fit of rage, sorrow, despair and he walked near me and starting thrashing wildly, kicking his arms and legs in all inhumanly directions, screaming, yelling and when I looked into his eyes and gave him one last look, he stretched his arm out to lightly touch my fingertips and whispered,” Goodbye, my love, I will live for you.” as he knelt before me the same way he did that day.

I felt myself being swirled into a whirlpool of light, stretching me into long into infinite bounds, suddenly filled with power and just the feeling of being complete and then darkness enveloped everywhere.

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— Whoosh, a gust of wind blew over his face, almost caressing him. —

His eyelids fluttered open just a little, just enough to a peek at what is around him.

“Where am I? ��

Daddy, you fainted at mum’s... umm... funeral and had a heart attack on the way, but now you’re okay, I sent Ophelia and Zoheth home, they persisted to stay but they had to go to school, that’s what mum would have wanted. You were muttering something in your sleep about seeing mum... Did you actually see her?

Yes, I did, she convinced me to stay. Go home, and take rest, you need to get back to college, remember what we promised mom? We are going to keep our word. Go.

She came and hugged him and gave a toothy grin and said,” Yes.” and closed the door behind her.

Thoughts flooded Zeke’s mind, he could remember clearly what happened at the lakes, and he knew what he was going to do. He clutched at his wedding ring and gazed outside his window knowingly. Even dead, Scarlet had made him a better man.

Scarlett I hope your happy.

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“What I want in my life is willing to be dazzled, to be cast aside by the weight of facts and maybe even float a little above this difficult world.” ~ M.O.

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Love,

Lady Lazarus

(picture and prompt from: pinterest)

[wesleyhill]

The Innocent One

A homily on Psalm 112 preached at Wheaton College, Wheaton, Illinois on September 20, 2019

Psalm 112

 1 Hallelujah! Happy are they who fear the Lord * and have great delight in his commandments!

2 Their descendants will be mighty in the land; * the generation of the upright will be blessed.

3 Wealth and riches will be in their house, * and their righteousness will last for ever.

4 Light shines in the darkness for the upright; * the righteous are merciful and full of compassion.

5 It is good for them to be generous in lending * and to manage their affairs with justice.

6 For they will never be shaken; * the righteous will be kept in everlasting remembrance.

7 They will not be afraid of any evil rumors; * their heart is right; they put their trust in the Lord.

8 Their heart is established and will not shrink, * until they see their desire upon their enemies.

9 They have given freely to the poor, * and their righteousness stands fast for ever; they will hold up their head with honor.

10 The wicked will see it and be angry; they will gnash their teeth and pine away; * the desires of the wicked will perish.

A few years ago, the Episcopal priest and professor Lauren Winner wrote about how difficult it had been for her to pray the Psalms. “I must admit,” she said, “I have never much liked the psalms, they have never prayed easy to me.”

It is, of course, absurd to offer this kind of jejune, self-referential assessment — what does it matter whether I like the Psalter or not, and how, really, can I find the psalms (which are, after all, both time-tested poetry and also the prayer book of the Jewish people, which is to say among other people the prayer book of Jesus) dull, but in fact I have found them dull for many years and mostly an occasion for woolgathering.

I had to look up “woolgathering,” which isn’t a word I use. It means “indulgence in idle daydreaming.” Winner is saying that hearing or saying the Psalms makes her eyes glaze over.

I can’t say that’s been my experience exactly, but I have had my own difficulties with the Psalms over the years, particularly ones like the psalm set for us today. Psalm 112 is the sort of psalm that readers of Scripture refer to a “psalm of innocence.” It’s about the goodness, the righteousness, the innocence of the one praying it. “Happy are they who fear the Lord,” the psalm begins, and we’re meant to agree and, it would seem, to recognize ourselves as those who fear the Lord and experience the happiness that comes with doing so. “Light shines in the darkness for the upright,” the psalm continues; “the righteous are merciful and full of compassion.” And again, I think we’re meant to see ourselves in these phrases. Anyone who takes this psalm as her or his own prayer is meant to be able to identify with the “upright” and “the righteous.”

The psalm ends with a contrast between us who are praying it and other people who are unrighteous. “[T]he righteous will be kept in everlasting remembrance,” it says, while the wicked ones “will gnash their teeth and pine away; the desires of the wicked will perish.” And that’s where the psalm ends.

For many years of my Christian life, I have struggled to pray psalms like this. I remember being in high school and beginning to study the Bible seriously for the first time in my life and encountering a psalm like Psalm 18, another one of the “psalms of innocence.” Here is how part of it goes:

The LORD rewarded me because of my righteous dealing; because my hands were clean he rewarded me;

For I have kept the ways of the LORD and have not offended against my God;

For all his judgments are before my eyes, and his decrees I have not put away from me;

For I have been blameless with him and have kept myself from iniquity;

Therefore the LORD rewarded me according to my righteous dealing, because of the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

I recall reading that at about age 16, when it seemed like I was the worst version of myself I’d ever encountered — when anger or rage or lust or pride or selfishness seemed to lurk around every corner of my psyche — and I saw no way to pray this psalm with any integrity. My hands weren’t clean. I hadn’t kept the ways of the LORD. I most certainly had not been blameless nor had I managed to keep myself from iniquity.

Those feelings were still there when I came to this campus as a freshman. I remember waking up early in my room in Fischer dorm and reading the Bible and feeling such a keen sense of unworthiness, of failure at living a godly Christian existence. No doubt a big part of this was the product of having grown up in a legalistic church environment, but I’m sure that wasn’t all of it — because every Christian tradition, whether Catholic or Anabaptist or anywhere in between, has its ways of reminding us that we all fall short of the glory of God, every day, all the time. The confession of sin that my tradition gives me to say every morning includes these lines: “We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.” And when you internalize that message, it can be hard to know what to do with a psalm like the one we’ve heard this morning. Can we, as the sinners we know ourselves to be, pray it? Should we?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the theologian who became a martyr in Nazi Germany, wrote a tiny little devotional book about the Psalms called The Prayerbook of the Bible. In it he has a brief chapter about the “psalms of innocence” that gave me a breakthrough when I first read it, years ago now.

What Bonhoeffer, following St. Augustine and Martin Luther and others, emphasizes in his book is that, before the psalms belong to us to pray, they are first and foremost the prayers of — and prayers about — Jesus Christ. Jesus is the one whose voice we hear when we read the psalms. Jesus is the main character we encounter when we read the psalms. Tradition says that Israel’s greatest king, David, authored most of the psalms, and Jesus, as great David’s greater heir, takes the psalms on his lips and makes them his own, orients them toward himself.

The translation we used this morning was a gender inclusive one, in which the singular references and pronouns were converted to plurals. That makes good sense in a setting for liturgical prayer, but listen again to Psalm 112 as I read it in Peter Levi’s translation, which uses the original Hebrew singular forms. See if you can see Jesus Christ in the words of the psalm:

Praise God. I bless the man who fears God, who has pleasure in his law: his seed will be mighty on the earth, the upright generation will be blessed. His house will have riches and precious things, and his justice will continue for ever. Light for the just has risen in the darkness, which is good and merciful and upright. The good man is decent and generous, he furthers his affairs rightly. He will never be shifted, the just man will be remembered for ever. He will not fear wicked talk, his heart is strong and he trusts God: his heart is fixed, he is not afraid, he will see the shame of his persecutors. He scattered his goods and gave to the destitute, his uprightness continues for ever, his head shall be gloriously lifted up. The wicked man shall see it and be sorry, he shall grind his teeth and wither, the wicked man’s wishes will come to nothing.

According to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, this is a psalm that belongs to and is about Jesus Christ before it belongs to you or me or is about us. Jesus is “the man who fears God,” who takes pleasure in God’s law. Jesus is the one whose justice will endure forever. Jesus is the one whose heart is strong, who trusts God and will not be afraid. Jesus is the one who saw the shame of his persecutors when he rose from the dead, triumphing over hell and the grave and leading captivity captive. Jesus is the innocent one who scattered his goods and gave to the destitute. Jesus is the one whose head was lifted up and crowned with glory and honor as he took his seat at the Father’s right hand.

But Bonhoeffer wants us to see that, insofar as Psalm 112 is about Jesus, it is also and because of that about us too, because through our baptism into Jesus’s death and resurrection, we have been united to him — as in a marriage — so that everything he is and has and does is ours as well. Bonhoeffer says it this way:

It is characteristic of the faith of the Christian that through God’s grace and the merit of Jesus Christ he [or she] has become entirely justified and guiltless in God’s eyes, so that “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). And it is characteristic of the prayer of the Christian to hold fast to this innocence and justification which has come to him [or her], appealing to God’s word and thanking him for it. So not only are we permitted, but directly obligated… to pray in all humiliation and certainty: “I was blameless before him and I kept myself from guilt” (Psalm 18:23); “If thou testest me thou wilt find no wickedness in me” (Psalm 17:3). With such a prayer we stand in the center of the New Testament, in the community of the cross of Jesus Christ.

If your spirituality is anything like mine, this can be a hard word to accept, particularly, perhaps, at a place like Wheaton. The spiritual lives you think your fellow students are leading can seem like an ideal you could never hope to attain. The life your church expects of you can feel impossible to embody. Your conscience accuses you of never measuring up. Your GPA reminds you that you’re not quite good enough. Your search history on your browser tells you you are definitely not “pure.” Your body tells you you aren’t fit or attractive enough. With all these voices vying for your attention, how can you pray with the psalmist, “Happy are they who fear the LORD” and ever think that that happiness is meant to include you?

But if Bonhoeffer is right, we are not only permitted — we are commanded — to pray the psalms of innocence. Not because of our own track record or spiritual prowess but because Jesus Christ has made us one with himself. We are innocent because God says so. God’s Word has come to us in Jesus Christ, and it is a word of promise. God has spoken his judgment over us, and this is the decree: There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Jesus has become for us wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. From now on, we dare not give our conscience the last word. We must not give any credence to the accusations of our Enemy. We dare not trust the verdict of any other voice but his. The risen Lord, who is alive among us, commands us to call upon him, the LORD our righteousness, and to hold our heads high and proclaim to any who would condemn us,

Jesu, thy blood and righteousness My beauty are, my glorious dress; Midst flaming worlds, in these arrayed, With joy shall I lift up my head.

When you lift up your head like that, you will see the love that Jesus has called you to share in — and to share with others, with your neighbor, even with your enemy. We need not live for our innocence, to try to attain it (because it’s already ours by gift), but we can now live from it. We can live out of it, we can live it out — we can live in the freedom of the innocence that has become ours in Jesus Christ. We are now liberated to love, to serve, to scatter our goods and give to the destitute, just as Jesus has freely given to us.

Amen.

[ryodan]

I was wondering what interested you about your religion enough to convert to it,I'm sorry if This is to personal a question,and I hope I haven't offended you.(I myself am not religious)

I am fine with personal questions, anon, so it’s okay. Well to be honest with you it was a lot of things that drew me to Islam. First off, I’d like to say that I’ve always been a very logical person. I like clear cut, direct facts, and that’s why I’m a physics student haha. When I was first in my ‘religion search phase’, most of the ones I had come across were based off spirituality and all these lovely things that I personally couldn’t find a religion in as they seemed more like an ideology than a religion to follow. I gave Judaism some thought, but although I have come to have a soft spot for their familial values, It wasn’t enough for me to convert. As for Christianity, and I know a lot of Christians say this chapter is allegorical, but I was ready to rule it out by the first chapter of the book of genesis. As I said as a person who likes facts, reading something like the Earth and plants were created first and then the sun was a bit too far fetched to commit to. I did continue reading, and searching, but that only made me shy away from it further. I think the quote i’d use her is ‘so you began to follow a religion and called it “love” in disguise because love can be good but love can be blind’. The worshiping of Jesus is also a man made invention so again, Christianity is a religion I heavily shy away from. When I came to read the Quran (I am half arab so I started reading it in Arabic, altho it was very hard at times, it is the only way to see its beauty, none arab Muslims get shown this beauty by either going through the steep road of learning Arabic, or us Arab speakers doing our prophet given duty of teaching the message of God to humanity when they ask to ofc) I think I was really surprised by how phonic and beautifully strung it is. The internal rhythm, the rhyming that lasted an entire chapter, the words were always strong, never even remotely colloquial, and I always still say the book you truly feel the power of a God from is the Quran, in fact in the shortest chapter of the quran there are 11 linguistic devices used in 3 words, including a prophecy that came true. And that is not even a new concept to the Quran, the language of it in itself is a miracle, there is a nice example of this in a lecture i quite like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84Z25CLXE1w. And a good chapter showing how phonic it is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WvHMNuhH3Y   I also really appreciated how even if the words were incredibly poetic, it was still a very direct book. I liked the morals behind it. Equity, freedom of thought, justice, freeing of slaves, kindness, compassion, pity, tolerance, brotherhood, love, it’s peaceful but it’s not pacifist, the power of God truly comes to show in the format that’s like ‘here is why you should believe, here are things you should keep in mind if you do..if you dont want to, there is no compulsion in anything, its not exactly like God who created this entire universe needs you, but if you do want to save yourself from a hell so gruesome it makes your days on earth feel like hours,then I suggest you have an open mind’. I also liked the story of creation, in the sense that it wasn’t a damnation onto Earth as in the bible, I also liked how the angels themselves predicted how humanity would act with the blood shed and corruption. Stories of prophets even though had their fair share of glittery miracles, were still logical. For example: Jesus’s birth in the Quran is a lot less fun than in the bible, there are no mangers or Josephs or singing angels, it’s a woman in hard labor, in the middle of the desert screaming in agony, at some point even hoping she would just die instead of face all of this pain and probable future humiliation on her own, until God comforts in a miracle her through her own child, and surprisingly it feels a whole lot more authentic and touching than a singing angel. I personally prefer this to be the first miracle rather than water to wine one haha ‘So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a remote place.And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.” But he called her from below her, “Do not grieve; your Lord has provided beneath you a stream. And shake toward you the trunk of the palm tree; it will drop upon you ripe, fresh dates.So eat and drink and be contented. And if you see from among humanity anyone, say, ‘Indeed, I have vowed to the Most Merciful abstention, so I will not speak today to [any] man.’ ”Then she brought him to her people, carrying him. They said, “O Mary, you have certainly done a thing unprecedented.O sister of Aaron, your father was not a man of evil, nor was your mother unchaste.”So she pointed to him. They said, “How can we speak to one who is in the cradle a child?”[Jesus] said, “Indeed, I am the servant of God . He has given me the Scripture and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I am and has enjoined upon me prayer and charity as long as I remain alive And [made me] dutiful to my mother, and He has not made me a wretched tyrant.And peace is on me the day I was born and the day I will die and the day I am raised alive.”

Okay, so if there are so many miracles which seem outside the scope of logic, and you are a person of science how did you convert? I think the actual time where I started crying realizing I was already a Muslim was when I was reading the verse ‘And the heaven We constructed with strength, and indeed, We are [its] expander.‘. The Quran is full of science that in no way shape or form was known to the 7th century arabians living in a desert. From the expansion of the universe, to the embryonic development, to the orbit of the planets, to the reflection of light and to the finger prints we have. There is a video mentioning most of the scientific miracles of the Quran here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d16CpWp-ok&t=304s. It also predicted battle outcomes after the prophets death, and identified points in the land that were yet to be known to humanity and then it hit me that all of this was revealed to man 1400 years ago,to a man who could not read or write but would just recite what he was told. That was when I fell in love with not only the merciful God of islam (who said when he first created the universe he decreed upon himself that his mercy precedes his anger) but truly the greatest man to have walked this earth Mohammed Ibnu Abdullah. If I were to explain this mans appeal, and how strong his message was I’d use his followers to vouch for it, The first muslims were tortured severely, and the first martyr in Islam was  a woman named Sumayah, who was stabbed in her privates,spat on, and murdered but she still would not go back on her faith no matter what they did to her. Another story of a companion,a black slave called Bilal Ibn Rabah who was forced to labor with a sizzling hot rock on his back, as well as whipped and yet proclaimed ‘ahad, ahad’ ‘one God, one God’ to the pagans of Arabia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49SpfNxy4_8 

what drew them individually to Islam was (at first) the man who’s message demanded for womens rights at a time were women were buried alive, and demanded rights for black people saying that there is no difference between a black man and a white man except by righteousness and good action. He was soft and lenient, but still a respected leader. A man who he didnt even let animal rights out of his sight, forbidding his followers from even showing the cattle the knife when you slay it to eat it as not to scare it ‘you have no right to kill the animal twice’, a man who entered the city that tortured him, threw him out with his head hung low saying ‘today is the day of forgiveness’ , a man who walked through a city that stoned him until his shoe was filed with his blood yet harbored no ill feelings to the people, saying there might be a future believer among them, a man who just as God stated is ‘a mercy to all of man kind’ Here is a series about him https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al8VKtn3ilI and a slam poem about terrorists tainting his name https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQVMdh6d3h0

Reading his stories, his sayings and the book of God that he recited made me whole heartedly believe in this religion. Islam brings me ease of mind, I love it more and more the more I read and search into it (i recommend the blog @partytilfajr for clearing up any questions you might have and I can help in any way too), it makes reasonable and scientific sense and yet it is such a beautiful miraculous message. It mixes ideology and faith, but still encourages free thinking and freedom and I am proud to say I have submitted my will to God and I bear witness that there is only one God and Mohammed is his final messenger 😊 

To my past atheist self I say

He Was The Creator of the Universe, for all we know even Moreand So Whatif we can’t see him, i mean what you acting like our universe is smalli mean there still so much we’re still yet to explorei mean there’s still so many things as human beings we still haven’tseentouchedheardor sawi mean our eyes can’t even handle the sight of the Sunso how can we possibly handle the sight of our Lord

[evalocity]

Kind of game that isn’t one but anyway

I basically dared my bae Ria to answer a whole ask game so she dared me to do the same and that’s why this post was made x)) @itsmhayward ily xxx

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

On April 20th exactly. 

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

I want to know if my dreams (like of career and life) will become reality.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Becoming an actual good person. Believe me you don’t want to meet 13-14 years old me .-.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Tonight as I was working for my parents’s company with this suuuper nice guy which is the soulmate™

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

Yup. I would drop cegep (oh gosh yes), I would try to meet my tumblr friends at least once, and I’m so doing a road trip in South Korea. I would also spend each days trying to make peace with myself and will message all of my closest tumblr mutuals and irl friends to let them know how much I love them.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Go to South Korea. Go to South Korea. Go to South Korea (Yes, I’m obsessed.)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

He’s a christian martyr. He’s awesome. He’s been there for me all my life. His quotes are savage and soo true. He must be freaking done with my shit by now but I’m pretty sure he still loves me. I scare people when I say I love him cause they think I’m a crazy extremist. But if only they knew my headcanons about him and God (he has a crush on Satan I’m 100% sure), they would understand that guy himself will send me to hell. 

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Until I was 8 years old yes ! My last happy times were my trip to Japan, then I was sexually assaulted and bullied and changed schools and became antisocial as I was homeschooled and shit went down. 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I cried in front of my parents when they confronted me on my career plans cause I was too stressed out (they were nice btw I’m just nervous 24/7)

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Hot guy that worked with me this weekend. He loves astronomy, so do I, he’s bae, like let’s do this. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Yes I would, I mean it depends on the situation and stuff, but I can imagine opening up to a stranger, human to human.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

I’m pretty sure it was with like one of my irl friends, he told me he liked me and it got awkward so I went so sleep #woops

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

I would tell my mom that I lover her and my dad very much. 

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

Beautiful like any other color tbh

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time.” - Jesus It basically means that I know the babe has to deal with my shit just as much as I do and it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

“Trashy, messy, life of a wifey” I’m Orion’s wifey so I guess it counts right ? I just needed a rhyme :( 

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Part charity, part for my parents so I know they’ll be okay when they are old, part me so I can do whatever I want, part bank so I can save some and I would pay a trip for my friends. 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I’m quite forgiving with my friends but there’s a line that if you cross it, you and I are done (mainly betrayal like idk why but people LOVE betraying me). I always give second chances but once that’s done I have no pity for you anymore and will not care. I like being this way tbh

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear Élo, 

You just started high school ! It’s such a new world after homeschool isn’t it ? Try being nice with everyone, do NOT carry that heavy schoolbag on your back okay you don’t want a scoliosis, don’t befriend Delphine like omg babe don’t, don’t be mean to that boy ? I know you think it’s only a game but tbh it so wasn’t. Try getting dance and singing lessons ! Don’t participate to that school play like it wasn’t bad but wow we could’ve done so much better with our time rip x) Over all you’ll have fun :) Just keep your beautiful smile and work hard xx

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Punk. Punk all the way. I tried to be pastel and it didn’t suit me that much.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

Both can be super hot (#hotguyatwork) but I’m only interested in having my ears pierced in a lot of places, not really anywhere.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nope I don’t ! I don’t like lipstick cause I’m eating 24/7, I absolutely LOVE eyeshadow and eyeliner on eyes cause the eyes are what I find the prettiest on someone, and thats pretty much it.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

BTS with their AWESOME lyrics that are just so true I’m shook.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

We’re all equals. 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

I’ve never been to a concert rip

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

Hmm idk ? I’m a historian all of my idols are dead x)

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I do, but like it’s a horrible mess so I won’t talk about it xp

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Tumblr, writing, chocolate, milk, bath, sleep. Eeevery time.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I’d dye it in red and would have really straight hair. I’m “Punk” so yolo huh.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

I’m choosing @jasonblossomsghost​ @itsmhayward​ @sugasugahanihani​ @nottodaygot7​ and I just decided I didn’t give a damn and that we will be 6 cause no way I’m choosing between @chocochims​ and @yooongigi​ I love y’all a LOT and we will go on an excursion to BTS’s dorm which will be quite entertaining and fun :’)) yolo

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. Fulfill my Dream™ because hum that’s the Dream™ ?

2. Be able to communicate with God by tumblr texts because omg that would be LIT and I need God’s advice more often and more clearly than with signs

3. Date hot guy idk if he’s my soulmate™ but I need this relationship 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Yeah there’s definitely none. I wanna be Poison Ivy :3 

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Badtripping quite probably. I thought my brain had switched and that I was going to be crazy for the rest of my life while being unable to ask someone to kill me. I thought I would never see my mom again. I felt the information going through my nerves and I had 1000 thoughts/secs which gave me the worst headache. Never agaiiiiiiiin

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Selling my body. Yeah no thanks. 

storms: you only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

This is the worst question ever :( I’ll only listen to Silver Spoon by BTS I think :( But I’ll regret it. Wow rip I really hate this question.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

I literally fell in love tonight (jk, like 50% jk 50% idk but damn) anyway when I think about a future with this person I know I’m in love. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

Nah I dont think so. I did a year ago and now I’m team long hair for a while.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I don’t go to Starbucks that much so idk.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

My tumblr friends.

I’m daring the people I tagged in the excursion to do it ! If you don’t it’s fiine :3