#i also think maybe a lot of this hate is from around 2015-2017 not only when they first blew up but also

[mbat]

ok yeah re: the tags on my previous reblog asking why everyone thinks tøp is bad: i looked it up and literally every answer was 'it just wasnt my kind of music and therefore its bad'

also they think he sounds whiny and like an emo teenager. ??? let bro have mental issues damn, again it doesnt make the songs bad, it just makes it not your thing.

[cinamun]

Hey Cina, I know the RRR/BBC is rn conversing about Rah/Dira and generational trauma, but can I go Blackwards for a moment to a few of the minor characters. Regarding Hope's pretty but troubled MIL, Miss Mercy, just wanted to ask if we have seen the last of Sean and if we will ever get a backstory glimpse into how that night went, if either got caught up in emotions (they both seem emotionally labile, though I still think if you went that direction it would make for an interesting dynamic due to who Sean is... in more than one person's life.) Plus we've assumed her last time in the problematic penthouse was with you know who. But maybe it wasn't... Also, Amaya's family? Who are they? Will there be a glimpse of them? Has Indya & Darren or DJ for that matter met her family? Hopefully they aren't toxic. Her features and skintone give off a vibe like her parents are from the Caribbean. And now Black to the Future questions: I was also was going to ask if Rah is redeemable, because there tends to be a throw away society mentality towards black men that have "issues" in RL & in books/entertainment so I was hoping he was/is redeemable, but I think I am getting a hint that there may be a move on from Rah and possibly ol' boy Ryke since Dira is young and may not have the same mindset as Hope regarding dating. To conclude, just two observations: How do I know since 2015(?) or was it 2017 that Indie has grown up and embraced her grown-woman-with-children crown? She came to her eldest daughter's house in Jerilee swag: house slippers. :D And not cute bougie ones at that! Plus of course how she is handling Hope's new mom freak outs and Dira and DJ's underdeveloped brain decisions.

2nd Observation: I laugh every time you slip in the official RRR/BBC logo of Raven's knowing look every now and then. :D :D :D

OOOOH Friend!! That's a lot! But you already know how we do so....

As for any potential MerSean shenanigans, I gotta hit you with the stay tuned. There are SEVERAL members of this here Badass Book Club™ who are shipping them HARD. Because why not? They look damn good together

Sean must have good dick if he pulled Indya for as long as he did and that is important given that good dick is a weak spot for Miss Mercy....

..... but I digress.

Now on to Amaya Griffin. If and only If she and DJ last will we get a glimpse into her home life. But you're on to something with those island roots.

Amaya's mother is Sulanese.

As for your questions, LET'S GO!!

A) was going to ask if Rah is redeemable, because there tends to be a throw away society mentality towards black men that have "issues" in RL

You are absolutely right, and this was a key issue earlier in the story with Darren. You had to be there friend! TABLES WERE THROWN!! HANDS WERE CAUGHT!! It was THE WILD WEST in the BBC™ where on one side, we hated Darren and wanted his ass thrown out for how he treated our girl. There were those who even thought Indya DESERVED it because she was often quite fucking bogus! I had a reckoning with my DAMN self about Darren and decided to write his growth journey which I am STILL writing. In other words, once we decide to throw someone away, we just do it. I wanted to challenge that for many reasons, one of them being the one you stated.

You can imagine, then, that while Rah did something entirely fucked up, I am willing to at least understand (and maybe others are too), that there are factors in his life that may be caused these unfortunate series of events. Imagine having a mom who is never there for you and everyone in your school has seen her sex tape. Not saying these are excuses, just saying....

Anyway, we gotta stay tuned to see if Rahul is a character who even sticks around. Indira is about to have a birthday and she could choose to cut off boffum. We shall see.

B) How do I know since 2015(?) or was it 2017 that Indie has grown up and embraced her grown-woman-with-children crown?

Maybe i'm reading this wrong, and if I am, please clarify in another ask but.... how can you NOT know? She's in house slippers (I thought they were cute) because she was there to clean in a full lace front and cute little joggers (Mercy was too except for the lace front). There will always be bougie Indya which is why you will refer to her as Queen Muva around Dem Babies™ lmfao

I think Indya has absolutely embraced her grown woman and I thought it was glaringly obvious.

Especially here:

And of course here:

[meejijis]

for the ask meme, how about the letters B, C, F, G, I, K and X?

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

If I have to choose which pairing came into mind, it's Fukami x Dolphi from WATGBS. That being their older versions that is. I remembered browsing around I think either Pixiv or Lofter back in 2014 and I stumbled upon a cute fanart of the older versions of them, Dolphi sleeping on Fukami's shoulder while I thiiink he was slightly blushing in the pic. Seeing this fanart, I didn't shipped them at first but I thought it was pretty cute and they had potential! Then later, someone in the fandom discovered that fanart and from there they made a whole new revolution of them creating a cute askblog and created lots of cute fanarts of them and yeah! Because of them, I ended up shipping them! 🐙🐬💞

C - A pairing you have never liked and probably never will

I have like maybe 6 NOTP's(???) that makes my blood boil LOL but I guess I'll name them

Wadanohara x anybody else but except Samekichi (Out of all wada pairings I hate the most is SalWada. I still very much hate the ship to this very day and even seeing it on sight makes me reaaaaaalllly severely uncomfortable)

Samekichi x anybody else but except Wadanohara

Tao Ren x anybody else but except Jeanne

Iron Maiden Jeanne x anybody else but except Ren. (Honestly the only Shaman King ship that makes my blood boil is Hao x Jeanne, I hate it a lot)

I also don't ship Hao with no one either, he's better off being single :p

I'm also not the biggest fan of OC x Canon pairings either since majority of the ships I like most of the time, I just can't stand see them being paired off with anyone else (I'm not a multishipper in general either) BUT if anyone enjoys this then your absolutely valid and cool. It's just not for me so I really try to avoid and filter/block this out.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom

I doubt I'll remember but in almost all fandoms I'm in are mostly only in the shipping sides

2007 - 2012 (5 years): SasuSaku (Sasuke x Sakura from naruto)

2014 - 2019 (5 years): Samewada (Samekichi x Wadanohara from WATGBS)

2015 - now (As of 8 years atm) RenMei (Tao Ren x Iron Maiden Jeanne from Shaman King). Fun fact: I kiiinda did peak at the SK fandom from afar after I finished watching the 01 anime in 2015 during my spring break in school at the time but I never touched the main fandom cuz everyone during that time was hostile towards RenMei and there was too many RenMei antis so I would take a peek from time to time and eventually moved on, only until around 2018 Takei drew their official wedding art, made even more RenMei crumbs in Red Crimson/Marcos and from then on I got heavily invested in the ship

G - Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it

Sasuke Uchiha x Sakura Haruno from Naruto. Been shipping them since 2007 and still ship them to this very day. So 16 years, I'm a veteran fan haha

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

Sadly yeaaaaa uhhh...

DSP (Deep sea prisoner). I ended up not vibing in the fandom because there were too many antis, wasn't a huge fan of many dark icky fanarts in general, there was also some fans that acted like supremacists, too many dramas would keep occuring (I remembered the dark days when the Mogeko Critical blogs were active from late 2016 to 2018) and yeah I excluded myself out somewhere in I think 2017 or 2018, it wasn't worth it.

Shaman King. Just like how I explained in the F section, the fandom had waaaayyy too many RenMei antis, heck RenMei is still hated by the fandom, a lot of huge popular blogs in the fandom back in the day treated RenMei shippers horribly (I'm not kidding) ranging from sending hate/death threats and ostracizing RenMei shippers out from the fandom, no one stood up for RenMei shippers when they were getting bashed for shipping Ren x Jeanne and it was awful. I even had a few friends back in the day that either got chased out from the fandom for having an opinion on them and another case was them being bullied to the point they ended up having traumatic experiences, left the fandom and it took them years to recover in therapy. People in the fandom straight up called us shippers terrible awful human beings for shipping a 4 year age gap and we should feel ashamed for it (And it gets even worse because the same people that called us bad awful human beings are also hypocrites and also ship problematic age gap ships in SK... and yet Renmei is somehow still considered the worst pairing???) Aaaand yeah because of the tumblr experience I've witnessed from afar, I didn't enter the fandom. (Until yeaaaars later I kinda tried to, in a discord server but I ended up not liking the experience as a whole because ppl on the server barely shipped RenMei, ppl got away with shitting on RenMei on there, I got blocked by a ex staff for shipping RenMei and almost most of the staff members are all RenMei antis and because of this experience, I completely gave up trying to be part of the SK fandom, it was not worth it as a RenMei shipper)

K - How do you feel about the other people in your current fandom

In the western side, everyone is really nice in the RenMei fandom even if it's really small. I used to be lonely for being the only hardcore shipper for them until 2 hardcore friends came along and I don't feel lonely anymore. I just recently became friends with a RenMei friend (Who was a veteran fan) a few months ago and I've had the most absolute time of my life hanging out talking and drawing the ship with them nearly almost everyday.

As for the JP fandom, I vibe with almost everyone on there as well, everyone is very supportive of the ship. Though I do have to admit, I kiiinda don't vibe well with a few fans sexualizing the younger kid versions of RenMei but we won't talk any further about that...

3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms

I think I listed them down already in section F but I guess we can do other different OTP's

Natsume Hyuuga x Mikan Sakura from Gakuen Alice

Gruvia (Gray Fullbuster x Juvia Lockser from Fairy Tail)

Amuto (Ikuto Tsukiyomi x Amu hinamori from Shugo Chara)

[mgsapphire]

My K-drama recommendation master list Part 2

You can find part 1 here

Look, you gave us relatively new recommendations, what about ones older than 10 years? I'll give you my top 5

Princess Hours (2006) Is a modern Cinderella story. It's 24 episodes long. Available on Viki.

Personal Taste (2010) Honestly, problematic plot if you put your mind into it, but entertaining nonetheless. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour, available on Viki.

Cinderella's Sister (2010) You hate every character, but there's still something that makes you watch it. Available on Viki.

Thank You (2007) was ahead of its time, it's about a single mother with a daughter who has an HIV+ diagnosis. 16 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour. Available on Viki.

Stairway to Heaven (2003) for a good melodrama.

What about romantic fantasies involving fantastic beings?

Guardian: The lonely and Great God(2016) A classic of the genre. It tells the story of a God who was once a man, and is being punished by immortality, unless he meets his bride, who just so happens to be a high schooler centuries later. Available on viki. 16 episodes long with 3 specials, all lasting about 75 minutes.

Hotel Del Luna (2019) it would be unfair to talk about Goblin, without talking about this other masterpiece about a being cursed into immortality and granted special availabilities along with it, but a curse is still a curse, and she must run a hotel meant for ghosts, where after centuries of being, meets a young man who is alive. Availability on Viki, 16 episodes long and each one lastz about 75 minutes.

Tale of the Nine Tailed (2020) You get to see Lee Dong Wook as another mystical being, and Kim Bum is his half brother. 16 episodes long and one special, each one lasting about 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

My roommate is a Gumiho (2021) what's up with gumihos? It's still airing. The title is self explanatory. Available on Viki and Qiyi.

Angel's last mission: Love (2019) is a cute and sad story about an angel who is about to ascend and a ballerina who has a cynical view of the world. Available on Viki. Each episode averages 30 minutes, with 32 episodes.

Doom at your service (2021) About to finish airing. It tells the story of a dying woman who wishes doom upon the world, and the doom who answers her plea. Available on viki, 16 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour.

The Scholar Who walks the night (2015) another Lee Joon Gi entry, but I swear all of his works are great, it's a period drama that tells the story of a scholar who is a vampire and the young bookseller he meets. It's 20 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour. Available on viki. Also, if you've liked Lee Soo Hyuk in Doom at Your Service, I advise you check this one out.

Tale of Arang (2012) two Lee Joon Gi entries in a row? Girl, you have to stop. Anyways, this one is another period piece of a magistrate who can see ghosts and the ghost of a young woman who doesn't remember her life, nor the cause of her death. Available on viki, it's 20 episodes long, each one lasting a little over an hour.

Look, those are fine or whatever, but I started as a K-pop fan, where can I see some idol dramas? Don't worry, I came prepared

Full House (2004) with Rain as the main character is the og idol drama in my opinion. Available on Viki. 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 73 minutes.

Imitation (2021) is currently airing, and it's literally an idol drama about idols. You can find a looot of idols too: Jeong Yun Ho and Park Seong Hwa from Ateez, Chani and Hwi Young from SF9, Park Ji Yeon from T-ara, Lim Na Young from I.O.I and Pristin, and although Jeong Ji So is not an idol, she is the main lead, and I absolutely love her, she's also in Doom at your service. Available on Viki.

Miss Panda and Mr. Hedgehog (2012) features Donghae from Super Junior, and if I'm going to recommend a Super Junior drama, I would rather recommend one featuring him over Siwon.

At a Distance the Spring is Green (2021) is currently airing too, and only has four released episodes, but I've liked it so far. Featuring Park Ji Hoon, and Kwon Dun Bin. Also, I have a lot of opinions about this show. Available on Viki.

I was going to put an IU drama but, all her dramas are good, so go and watch them all, the woman has range.

Dream High (2011) is the king of idol dramas, in my opinion. It talksa about a high school for people who want to be idols. Another one with a long line up of idols, so let me start: Suzy, IU, Taecyeon, Nichkhun and Wooyoung from 2PM, Ham Eun Jung from T-ara. Leeteuk (SuJu and Chansung (2PM) make cameos. Similarly to Imitation, Kim Soo Hyun is not an idol, but he's the main lead. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

Wow, quite a few, but they all seem rather popular, do you have some underrated gems? I'm going to have to go down memory lane, but I do

The Queen's Classroom (2013) This one feels like a fever dream, because I'm aware it exists, I watched it back when it first aired, but I can't find it anywhere now. It's based on a Japanese drama of the same name. It's about a strict but warm hearted teacher and her students' lives and struggles. 16 episodes long. DM me if you find anywhere to watch it.

1% of Something (2016) is a really cute drama, the chemistry is off the charts, and if you're looking for skinship, this one is the one for you, underrated arranged marriage kdrama, I'm telling you. It's 16 episodes long, averaging 45 minutes, and it's on Viki.

I'm not a Robot (2017) has a really cute plot, not underrated per se, but not hyped enough. It's 32 episodes long, each one averaging 30 minutes. Available on Viki.

Do you like Brahms? (2020) is a music themed kdrama, really cute and wholesome. If you like 2setviolin and watched their critique on their YouTube channel, let me tell you, the cast actually knows how to play violin and stuff, and there's an actual child prodigy in there. It got so much hate bc of that one yt video. It's 16 episode long, each one lasting about an hour. Available on Viki.

Solomon's Perjury (2016) a good reflection on youth and the pressure society has. 12 episodes long, lasting about 63 minutes each. Available on Viki.

The Greatest Love (2011) is a super entertaining TV show, and just supper funny and cute. 16 episodes long, each one lasting around 65 minutes. Available on Viki.

Two Cops (2017) if you like Kim Seon Ho, I think this was his TV acting debut. It's a hilarious action comedy TV show. 32 episodes long, lasting around 30 minutes. Available on viki.

Do you have any recommendations where time traveling or time is central to the story?

Alice (2020) look, I can't give you a full explanation because it's too mind bending. Let's leave it at detective meets his mother. Available on Viki.

Signal (2016) The premise is similar to that of the movie Frequency (2000) in which there's communication between the past and the present via technology. The plot is based on the real Hwaseong serial murders. Really interesting. Available on Netflix. If you like the premise of communicating with the past via technology Call (2020) is a Korean thriller movie available on Netflix.

Chicago Typewriter (2017) this one is about reincarnation but we get to see both timelines. Available on Netflix.

Tomorrow with you (2017) Time-traveling but make it ✨depressing ✨. The story of a man who time travels, and how that ability messes with his marriage. Available on Netflix.

What about historical dramas? I don't really watch those, but here are some I liked

The Moon Embracing the Sun (2012) is one of the few I've finished. It's really good, it follows the love story of a king. Available on viki. 20 episodes long, each one lasting about an hour.

Gunman in Joseon (2014) Am I recommending you this one because of Lee Joon Gi? Maybe. It has 22 episodes, each one lasting about an hour. Available on Viki.

The Crowned Clown (2019) a story of the Prince and the Pauper if I must give you a description that is relatable, but if you know the book titled Skogland, it's closer to that. It's 16 episodes long, each one lasting about 80 minutes. Available on Viki.

I'm a little ashamed to say this, but do you have any BL? I do, I do

To My Star (2021) is a story about an actor and a chef, and how they learn to cohabit after the actor is forced into hiding. You can watch either the movie version or the drama version, both available on viki.

Color Rush (2020) is a modern romance fantasy about people called Monos who can't see any color unless they meet their Probes, however this may turn dangerous as the Monos may experience obsessive behavior, so what happens when a young high schooler meets his probe?. You can either watch it on its drama or movie version. Both available on viki. By the way, if you're a long time deobi and was wandering what happened to Hwall, he's one of the main leads.

You Make Me Dance (2021) follows the story of a university dancer who is in debt and his debt collector. Available on viki in both versions. The movie is 107 minutes long.

Just Friends (2009) is a short film, but ahead of its time, if you can't tell by the year it was released on. It's a cute story about a man who visits his boyfriend in the military. I found it in dramacool.

That's all from me, if you have any specific genre or them you felt I didn't add in, do feel free to tell me.

[deanwasalwaysbi]

I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network: 

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler,  (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward.  Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard.  But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or  or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9  - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand”  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover” and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x)  [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line?  This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel   (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there - 

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.”  [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?”  Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it.  So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship.  It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

[broxklynn]

The End Of My Candy Love

Warning!

Alright, so. This post will contain a lot. First of all, it's gonna be really sloppy. I'm very emotional person and I easily get attached to games, movies and stuff. I know it's a bit weird, but yeah, I'm a weird person. Anyway, that's why there's a warning: there's gonna be a lot of sloppiness, grammar mistakes (at least I think so, specially since english isn't my native languange) and it's probably going to be long. So, if you're intrested in reading my thoughts about everything - good luck.

First Adventure

I first heard about "My Candy Love" in 2015, six years ago. So, I was basically a baby (I'm pretty young). And I started playing a year after, I got totally obssesed with Lysander and I fell in love, seriously, haha. I was into writing back then, but I couldn't find any ideas on "what to write?" and MCL gave me just that - inspiration (that's most likely why I'm just a romance freak).

My Story

You know, I was a child so I couldn't really pay for AP, but I always found some kind of way to get them. But then I got my phone I just used money from that, geez, I was nuts. The old AP system was so iconic, looking for Nathaniel, finding Kiki, I'm gonna miss it.

Anyway, I got along with Castiel pretty well (which suprises me 'cause I found about walkthroughs in 2017, like year after, so maybe it was because I was a brat?), but I adored Lysander. Oh, I also loved Ken (I was so sad when he went away) and Nathaniel. After I met Armin, I liked him too.

Again, being a child and playing a game like this I came across all diffrent kinds of emotions. I was laughing, crying, dying from embaressment (this thing with Nath and locker room, aaa) and getting seriously mad (Deborah's arc, Priya, Charlotte). I remember impatiently waiting for new episode to come out or crying my eyes out during Lysander's amnesia plot. Jesus. I loved the way Castiel was teasing Candy, I loved this cute-clumsy Kentin, I loved the old Nathaniel, I loved Armin and most of all - I loved my precious Lysander. I adored the interactions between characters, how funny or cringy they were and how much fun I had. I even like this secret-dating plot even when it got on my nerves. I still remember staying up late to watch videos like "lysander illustrations" and stuff. I also really enjoyed reading MCL manga and I spent hours trying to translate it from Spanish to English or my native languange (funfact: I still haven't finished it! I don't know where to find those mangas) or trying to draw something from the game up ending up terribly failing. Anyway, I was crying during the prom thing, my Candy was so grown-up, I got emotional, haha. So, 40 episode came in. I was pretty excited 'because, me, being extremely naive (I got to say, I've never had a problem with Beemoov before, I started playing MCL in 2016 and Eldarya in 2017, so there were no major issues with them, only the price of PA, I think) thought that my Lysander is going to propose (I was a child, ok?) and maybe, there's going to be a second season with us living together. Haha, how naive I was. Whole episode 40, really got me tearing up, I was a wreck, seriously (When Kentin couldn't take Candy's bra off I lost it or this whole ananas thing in Castiel's route, omg). But I finished it feeling happy. I truly enjoyed spending my time on this game. But, then this whole university thing came out. And the fact, that Lysander, Armin and Kentin won't be with us foe the next season. I spent entire vacation crying (I was a kiddo, ok?) and being mad at everyone. I felt like I got robbed. It was horrible.

"A New Chapter"

I was one of these people who just couldn't accept the change. Not in the world. Never. They stole my Lysander, Kentin and Armin from me and changed AP system to some kind of bullshit. God, I was mad. Really mad. Seeing Castiel was quite nice, but I didn't fill the void of my baby. But, oh, my, God. When I saw Nathaniel I just couldn't believe. I said I was mad? Then I was furious. I really liked the old Nathaniel, he had his own vibe, his backstory, his character and it was just, damn, amazing. But they changed him completely, for what? They wanted the second Castiel? Yeah, they got it. Priya as a love interest was quite a good move, tho. I even though I didn't like her (in highschool or in university) I liked the idea of adding a female interest. But the thing that hurted me, was the fact that Lysander was taking care of the farm. Like, no! He didn't want that. He didn't like the countryside. He had such a potential to become a author and Beemoov didn't let him. God, that broke my heart. Anyway, I didn't spent a single penny on MCLUL, but I have to say - I kinda enjoyed it. You know, it was the guily-pleasure kind of thing. I didn't like it as much as I liked highschool, but there were some good or funny moments. I loved Rayan's kiss scene. I adored Chani. Or Hyun making us watch "Toy Story". Nathaniel's ulgy green hair or all these crazy threesomes. I liked it. Kinda. I hated Nath tho. The ending, hm, it was okay, I guess? I do feel sort of nostalgic thinking about it 'cause I got some nice memories from it, in the end. But yeah, going on.

Love Life

Oh. My. Lord. I was so sceptical about it. Like, I was sure that, at this point they're going to do "My Candy Love Mid-Life Crises" next or some other shit. But in the end, I "kinda" like it. It wasn't good like highschool or fresh like university, but I was nice to see new chapters with our annoying-cringy Candy, that I love (btw, I started playing other otome games and I realized that Candy wasn't that bad). Meeting Eric was nice, even tho, this whole cheating plot really got me ragging. Like, damn, Beemoov, seriously? And if you going this, why not with old LIs? Just kidding. Anyway, I truly enjoyed meeting Dan and Eric, the two of them were quite a characters. I won't forget them, hah. I was happy with single ending, 'cause I think about it as a "open ending" when my Candy can go back to my baby and everything's going to be alright.

Regrets & Complaints

Now, now. Where do I start? AP system was a freaking nightmare. Replacing old Nathaniel with some kind of weird Castiel was a nightmare. Removing Lysander, Nathaniel, Armin and Kentin was a nightmare. Not finishing plots was a nightmare. And why in the whole Love Life I haven't seen Amber once? Why Alexy never mentioned Evan like they're not brothers? Why Castiel doesn't care that I was dating his bestfriend? And why, in the world, after changing the system finding Kiki is so damn easy? Why AP is so expensive? So many questions!

All The Good Times

But, I got to say. I will never forget this bitchy Castiel, cookie-monster Ken following us around. Or cute Nathaniel. Castiel buying Candy some kind of weird McDonald's. Or Lysander's parents exposing him having crush on Candy. Or seeing Kentin kissing Amber (ew). This super akward-funny sex ed lesson. Deborah's arc and losing my shit over it. Or Thomas (this weird child) stalking my Candy and her LI in the park. And Lysander asking us how to hide a body, aaa. Or Armin telling us he loves us. Or Kentin. And Cookie ripping this huge teddybear apart. Or the water fight in Kentin’s spin off. And crushing on Alexy and later on finding out he’s gay. Or spin-the-bottle game and Lysander getting jealous. Or Dake, being a creep for entire game straight. Or guessing what was guy's surnames. And for sure, I will never forget this demonic Kiki dog.

What it worth it?

In the end, yes. Have I ever told you that I want to become a professional writer? Silly dream, I know, but writing is a huge passion of mine, and well, my first story was based off My Candy Love (it is cringy as hell, but I feel kinda nostalgic thinking about it). All these years spending on playing game that I wasn't supposed to be playing was amazing. It was one of the best experiences I had in life and I will never, ever forget that.

What now?

Well, Beemoov is working on a new game and I'm kinda optimistic. I know, it's really naive of me, but I want to believe that they won't f*ck this up, this time. And going back to Sweet Amoris, well, I truly missed this place! And the teachers... And Kiki. I wonder, when it will be released and will Beemoov finally open up about telling us surnames and ages of love interests. Anyway, I want to believe they learnt from their mistakes.

In the end. Thank you, My Candy Love, for creating so many memories. I will be forever grateful. 

(I just re-read this post and it seems like I have really love-hate relationship with this game)

[relatively-einstein]

Weird Christmas Songs That Will Make Everyone Around You Concerned For Your Sanity:

An incomplete list

First of all, I'm not talking about the vaguely weird Christmas songs that have become normalized and are played a lot (Like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer or I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus or I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas), no these are significantly weirder.

15. Believe In Me by fun. I honestly only included this one because fun is my favorite band. It comes off as sweet and sincere, but with a few moments that are just off enough to concern people.

14. Peppermint Winter by Owl City. Honestly, it kind of feels like it should be a regular Christmas song, but it’s by Owl City, so, the lyrics are questionable at best and completely incomprehensible at worst.

13. Merry Flippin’ Christmas (Happy Freakin’ New Year) by Bowling For Soup. Also, not a very weird one if you regularly listen to punk/alternative music. But it will definitely make all your relatives that hate punk music worry about you and your mental state.

12. The Season’s Upon Us by the Dropkick Murphys. Not super weird if you regularly listen to the Dropkick Murphys. Or if you listen to punk/alternative music on a regular basis. But if you time it right you can confuse your conservative relatives.

11. Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy (originally by Buck Owens, but I'm talking about the Bowling for Soup version). Kind of weird, but still pretty tame. Side note, am I the only one that kind of thinks that this song and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus are about the same event but from the perspectives of different siblings? Like this one is by the more jaded sibling reasoning that "yeah, Mommy was kissing Santa Claus, but Santa looked like Daddy, so it doesn't matter." No? Just me?

10. 12 Days of Christmas by Straight No Chaser goes here. Not because it's bad or anything. It's just tame compared to some of the other options. The chaos level is off the charts though.

9. Hamildolph/The Greatest Snowman by Eclipse 6. Again, not bad. But a mashup is still a mashup, even if you are making Christmas songs out of pop culture.

9 1/2. Along these same lines are any of the Santa-Style Hits by Eclipse 6. They are mashups of popular songs from that year, but Christmasified. (2015, 2016, 2017, 2019, 2021)

8. The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic. Self-explanatory. And no, I will not be answering any questions at this time. Debate on your own time if this counts as a Christmas song or not.

7. I Really Don’t Hate Christmas by Dr Doofenshmirtz from Phineas & Ferb. Dr. Doof explains his indifference/apathy towards Christmas. It’s funny and just weird enough to confuse. Also, it’s Phineas and Ferb. No further comments.

6. Anything from Elf the Musical (I really like Sparklejollytwinklejingley, but that’s just me). This feels like it doesn’t really need an explanation, because Elf is crazy on it’s own, and then they made a Broadway musical out of it. Side note, the song I mentioned, Sparklejollytwinklejingley, is wild and definitely will make everyone around you question your taste.

5. Text Me Merry Christmas by Straight No Chaser and Kristen Bell. This song is a trip from beginning to end and the vibe is very mid-2010’s. It’s a great one to put on if you want to weird people out but still keep sort of traditional Christmas music feeling.

4. Progressive Christmas Carols by Jon Cozart. Idk what you expect. It’s by Jon Cozart, the After Ever After dude from youtube. It modernizes classic Christmas Carols and does it in a very tongue-in-cheek way. Maybe don’t listen to this one around very small children. It’s not explicit or anything, but it may cause them to ask awkward questions.

3. It’s Not Christmas Till Somebody Cries by Carly Rae Jepsen. This is an absolute bop and makes you completely forget about the whole Call Me Maybe fiasco that was her earlier work. It’s wild from start to finish, and another great one to scream along in the car to.

2. Merry Christmas from Cell Block 2 by Matthew Ebel. One of my absolute favorite Christmas songs, and a total bop. It’s really a pity that more people don’t know/talk about this one. Side note, this song is part of an album that’s sort of a space pirate take on the grinch (aka, a space pirate discovers what Christmas is and then gets thrown into prison for stealing all the stuff from a big corporation and giving them away for free). Highly recommend listening to this song. Great for screaming along to, both alone in your car and with a large group of people around. 10/10 sure to cause some serious side-eye to be directed at you.

1. Elf’s Lament by Barenaked Ladies and Michael Bublé. My top pick for the weirdest Christmas Song on this list. I love this song and it will absolutely make everyone around wonder WTF you are listening to and if you are on something. 10/10 recommend this song, and it’s another one that you just want to belt out. Let’s unionize those elves baby!

[sitp-recs]

hi. can you please suggest me some fics that have established drarry? preferably long ones. thank you :) your blog is the best.

B-)

B:-o

Hi anon, thanks so much ❤️ I love established relationship! Hope you enjoy these, I have also included some short fics and PWPs :)

Through the Window, Clear Skies by @tackytigerfic (2020, Mature, 1.4k)

What would happen if Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy moved in together, too soon after they started kissing and then fucking and not hating each other anymore? Will Draco insist on a wine rack? Or: Domestic Drarry with a bare hint of angst.

On Your Way by @lqtraintracks (2016, Mature, 2.4k)

Draco waits for Harry to return from an Auror mission.

Breaking the Law by @dracogotgame (2018, Explicit, 3k)

Draco runs into a little trouble with Auror Potter.

Kettle by @magpiefngrl (2018, Explicit, 3.3k)

Draco likes to put up a fight.

The Long Fall by @tackytigerfic (M, 3.6k)

It's supposed to be a simple house renovation, and maybe it's just the paint fumes, but Harry is feeling dizzy around Draco Malfoy. And what's the real meaning of family, anyway?

On the Balcony by @firethesound (2017, Explicit, 3.7k)

Life had been hectic for both of them lately, and Harry was looking forward to a quiet evening at home. Having a romantic dinner on the balcony of their flat sounded like just the thing.

Get a Room by @lqtraintracks (2015, Mature, 4k)

Harry and Draco have been seeing each other for six months now, and they really can't keep their hands off one another, especially when they get a little drunk.

Intelligence by aideomai (2018, Teen and Up, 5.8k)

“I don’t believe it,” Ginny said, voice low with venom and fury. “Did you know?” “I knew there was a spy,” Hermione said.

Let Me Have You and I'll Let You Save Me by Frayach (2012, Mature, 6k)

Draco keeps coming back, and Harry keeps letting him. Draco can’t stay away, and Harry can’t live without him.

Love and Some Verses by @femmequixotic (2012, Explicit, 7k)

Draco's never entirely certain of anything, particularly not in regards to Harry--or moving in together.

Surviving the Horde by @fleetofshippyships (2017, Teen and Up, 7k)

Draco has managed to avoid Christmas at the Burrow for ten years, but not this year.

5 Times Harry Tried to Propose (and The Time He Gets it Right) by @carpemermaidtales (2016, Mature, 7.3k)

5+1 marriage proposals Harry makes to Draco.

Up The by @shiftylinguini (2018, Explicit, 7.5k)

“I feel I need to point out,” Draco kissed gently over Harry’s Adam’s apple, “that this is the most Gryffindor approach to conception that could possibly exist.” Or: Harry's had madder ideas.

The Ferret's Nest by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (2020, Explicit, 9k)

Harry has a ferret and a whole lot of tattoos. Unfortunately, it's only one of these things Draco approves of.

Life goes not backward by @shealwaysreads (2020, Teen and Up, 9k)

Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different. A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots. Leaving one life behind isn’t always a sacrifice, and sometimes the greatest good comes from embracing the people you love.

Silverpoint by @tackytigerfic (2019, Explicit, 9k)

Or: How Harry Potter Fell In Love (and Realised that Draco Malfoy Loved Him Back).

Hope Springs Eternal (But Love Springs in the Forest, Unannounced) by @letteredlettered (2012, Explicit, 12k)

Draco falls into a love spring. Harry saves him! And now they’re bonded for life. Draco is horrified. Harry thinks it’s kind of neat.

25 Holiday Scenes for Eight Days a Week by @romaine2424 (T, 16k)

Eight Days a Week continues with 25 Holiday Scenes. As of now, they are all family oriented. If that changes, I'll update the ratings! We begin where we left off in the Main Story (before the epilogue), which is a few weeks after Libby's surgery. They were married in the summer, and Prim, their daughter was born in September.

freely, as men strive for right by @bixgirl1 (2020, Explicit, 17k)

How can Harry love a man like Draco Malfoy? If only Draco would let him count the ways. (Sometimes, a happily-ever-after takes a bit longer than you expect.)

Through the Looking Glass and What Draco Found There by @magpiefngrl (2017, Explicit, 17k)

Draco discovers the Mirror of Erised is a portal and he enters an alternate reality where your deepest desires come true. Or how Draco found himself in the world of his dreams and Potter had to come and ruin it.

Twenty-four Reasons to Remember by Omi_Ohmy (2014, Explicit, 18k)

Harry has almost forgotten what it is to be happy in love and life, until Draco gives him twenty-four chances to remember.

just tell me when it’s alright by @bonesliketambourines (2020, Explicit, 23k)

Harry’s been fighting tooth and nail for any bit of normalcy he can get his hands on. He’s sick of feeling like something’s wrong with him, tired of feeling different. He thinks he’s finally gotten to the root of it, and has settled into a routine that makes him happy. Naturally, that’s when Draco Malfoy walks back into his life and upends it once again. Has Harry bitten off more than he can chew with his former rival?

Burn the Curtains and the Wine by @nerdherderette (2019, Explicit, 24k)

There are two versions of Harry Potter: the wizard who is the Ministry of Magic's most dangerous and successful assassin, and the husband who leads a staid life of domesticity with a reformed Death Eater. And never the twain shall meet. Until, one day, they do.

Come For Me by Frayach (2012, Explicit, 24k)

After Draco is paralyzed in an accident, he and Harry discover a new way to make love. Please read Author's Notes!!

Love Is by xErised (2017, Teen and Up, 26k)

Aurors Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are presumed dead during a mission gone wrong. Their partners — Draco and a pregnant Hermione — refuse to believe that they're gone, even after a year of their absence. A tale of loss, longing and love, with a happy ending.

Rebel Red by @samrull (2018, Explicit, 33k)

When you accidentally meet someone once, that's just blind luck. But when you accidentally meet the same person twice, it feels more like destiny. A couple years after the War, Draco Malfoy is quietly and studiously making a new life for himself. Harry Potter, recently divorced, is still trying to save the world. Their paths cross in a very unexpected place, and it all goes downhill from there.

Expectant by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (2018, Explicit, 62k)

After he accidentally gets Malfoy pregnant on a drunken fuck at a club, Harry doesn't anticipate that it'd be just as easy to fall in love with him.

The Arrangement series by RurouniHime (2012, Explicit, 72k)

It's worked for years. Why change it now?

Far From The Tree by aideomai (2020, Explicit, 112k)

The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.

If you like the amnesia trope, I suggest these:

Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia (2020, Teen and Up, 18k)

When Harry gets amnesia and forgets he and Draco were ever married, he refuses treatment to remember. Inspired by an EXCELLENT fic by hupsoonheng called Remember Me. You don't need to have read it to understand this, but tbh you should just do yourself a favour and read it anyway.

Of Fates Entwined: A Story of Love Lost and Found by taradiane (2014, Explicit, 51k)

Harry Potter vanished without a trace from his home on a warm summer morning in June 2004. This is the story of how a random visit in a cafe on the other side of the world, six years later, proved that the ties which entwine our fates together can never be broken.

When Times are Dire by aibidil (E, 130k)

Magical Britain is screwed, and it's once again up to Harry to save it. This time, by marrying Draco Malfoy.

[spearxwind]

Part 1: Hey! I love your art/OCS and your blog has introduced me to your friends who also have awesome OCs. This made me notice that Tumblr and Twitter seem to interact with original characters differently. I'd love to meet people and friends who'd like to interact with my OC doodles, but Twitter feels like a difficult space to get interaction, despite more artists moving over there. Whereas years ago, I had ask blogs for my fan-made and original characters which received plenty of interaction.

hi! yeah, from my experience twitter is a lot more eh... hostile when it comes to looking for interaction. it's a site that runs on people making short slapstick posts, with very limited characters, so people generally cant even talk a lot about their ocs in the first place. twitter also hides long threads, condenses them in your feed so you dont really see them

most artists have moved there bc of the nsfw ban, and generally twitter has a lot more users, so its a lot easier to find an audience IF, and only IF you already have a couple people to spread your posts around, bc twitter doesnt have the same kind of tagging system as tumblr does

ive definitely found more artists to follow through twitter but because of the super fast paced nature of the site (and also my short attention span) i dont really have time to get to know about peoples ocs at all

to answer your questions though:

1. posting on tumblr now gets me a LOT less interaction/notes than it used to. legit. i get maybe, 100-200 notes tops on normal posts when years ago i used to get twice or three times that. i get SOME more on generally popular ocs/designs bc people are like oohhh ahhh aesthetic but yeah. HOWEVER, it DOES occassionally get me curious people asking questions about my ocs which is ultimately what i really want. posting on twitter gets me a lot more attention (i mean, fucking compare my latest art, 340 notes on tumblr versus 4k total on twitter) but all the interaction with that tweet is people going 'oohh ahh thats so cool!!' but on tumblr SOMETIMES MAYBE i get questions going like ‘so based on ur last art, does oc do X’ or i get anons saying funny shit and its rly nice, i dont rly get that on twitter a whole lot 

2. dont fucking know how i drew in my crowd. i wish i did though so i could avoid it lmao. ii know back in 2015 i racked up a bunch of people/notoriety bc of httyd2 and i kinda rode that out into dragons and then creatures and then edgy stuff. i also am usually the one going out to people and going ‘wow ur ocs are sick bro can u tell me about them pwease’ especially on here bc again, its so much harder to do that on twitter

last notes: 

- ive seen ppl on twitter make side accounts specifically for oc talking. i myself have a personal account where i just go off abt ocs on occassion, but its also my private account that maybe 4 friends have total, i dont allow random people in. i rly wish i could do that on here though o

- on twitter anything you post will be gone from peoples feeds in 24 hours roughly. thats just how it is. you dont see people retweeting things that are super old unless the artist themself rts it and gets it circling for a day or two more. and yet without doing jack shit i have posts of mine circulating here on tumblr for fucking years, inexplicably. people are still reblogging my httyd posts, and following me for some very specific fanart i made in 2017 and i am like.why are you here. how did you find this 

- i HAVE seen my shit stolen/ripped off on tumblr a lot more than twitter though, but i think thats just because its easier for ppl on twitter to slip under the radar if they never interact with u. who knows though i havent exactly studied this 

idk if any of this is helpful but its my personal experience. im just rly biased towards twitter i hate it. i wish i could leave but 99% of my client base is there so i cant -_-

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #1: If I Were A Song

BJYX Song Series List

Disclaimer: My own feelings only. Don’t take it seriously.

I decided I want to start writing about my feelings about different songs since I love analyzing lyrics so much. The first one will be “If I Were A Song” by Yoyo Sham. I feel like this song is not as talked about as others (i.e. Nan Hai, Wuji, etc.) 

This title of this song was posted in a memo by gg on 6/22/18 that he use to reply to a post from 2015/10/7 that said “Some words should just be kept in your heart”. 

The memo is timestamp at 11:28 (28 = ai bo). Also, I’m guessing he wrote this at night so 11 is probably 11pm so 2328 (ai/love zhan, ai/love bo). Okay I’m going to exist out of delulu kadian land.

 We don’t know what happened that day but we do think 622 is special for ggdd because for their 2019 birthdays, both gg and dd deleted and added post, respectively so that the birthday post will be #622. 6/22 is also 4 days after 6/18, where we know gg and dd went on a date to a Japanese restaurant and dd was seen in almost the same outfit the next day at the airport (walk of shame 🤣 jkjk). No one knows what happened on 6/22 but maybe this song can give us some clue?

“There is a song,

Sang into the cold and warmness of people’s heart, yet so tender and warm to all

It’s neither black nor white, no matter how things change with time or how people change

Turn around freely, still the youthful spirit, full of passion!

If I were a song...

Good night 🌙 ”

Doesn’t this memo sound like gg is describing his love to dd? He’s mentioned before that he admire dd the most because he’s always true to himself, unaffected by the industry. The “youthful spirit” that’s “full of passion” who can live “freely” sounds exactly like the person that gg thinks dd is. It also sound exactly like the person gg wants to be himself, or the person he’s on the inside that he doesn’t want to change because of reality, the cruel industry, and age. This memo also tells us that no matter what changes in the future, gg is sure of his feelings at this moment and this warmth that he feels or is willing to give will never change. The last line tell us what song he’s referring to so let’s begin.

The song is by Yoyo Sham in 2017. It’s not a super popular song that everyone will know. But the mv is simple and artist. The full translation of the lyrics can be found here. 

Overall, the song is about how one loves someone so much that they are always there for them and supporting them. I always feel like that’s the relationship gg has for dd. He show his love with caring and protecting him instead of grand romantic gesture. He’s always his #1 fan in the background, always cheering for dd when he dance. He’s always the first one to stand up for him when others talk bad about him, rebutting haters on the Internet about dd’s role as LWJ. He’s always the first one notice new scars on dd and find ways to protect his health like asking to wear knee pad, drink warm water, or take herbal medicine. You can also see that dd relies on gg. After a lot of Internet hate and not seeing each other for a long time, dd started crying when seeing gg in Thailand. Overall, the relationship is very “homey.” People even joke that it’s like a mother to a son.

如果我是一首歌 (If I were a song)

我可以帶你看看從前的自己 (I can let you see the old you)

Gg talked about how much he admire that dd stays to his true self and isn’t influence by the industry even though he’s been in the industry for four years. I think this line correspond to his love of dd’s true self.

你可以在我懷裡坦白    赤裸 (You can be in my embrace, honest and bare)

Here is the detail of the “home” that gg is providing. It’s one that allows dd to be his most genuine self, naked, bare, honest, and straightforward. We see dd as someone who’s already straightforward but here, it’s almost like gg is telling us that that’s still not exactly who dd is and part of him is still pressure to hide his true self. It’s also possible that it means that while dd is trying his best to express himself, he’s still afraid of how others see and judge him.

我們可以瘋狂    流汗    再脆弱 (We can be wild together, sweat together, and then be fragile together)

Here is a list of things they can do together. The order matters. Wild refers to their bantering and when they have fun (xxj). This also correspond to gg saying that before dating, you need to “play/have fun” with the other person first. Sweat refers to perspiration they put into their career. Both gg and dd are very diligent people that puts a lot of themselves into their work. Similar to Wangxian, I think that’s their core value that they share with each other the most. And then the last part of this line, after 1) being wild 2) working hard, we can then be 3) fragile. Why is fragile last? Because you can only be fragile in the most private moments. The first two things they do together are what others see from the outside. But the last one, being fragile, is something they can only display to each other behind closed doors. 

我是你的家    也是你的旅程 (I am your home, I am your journey)

I am your home + I am your journey = I am your everything. When you want a stable, loving base, I am there for you. But when you want to travel and explore the world, I will also go with you. The home here is not a literal place, but rather the security that gg can provide. Likewise, the journey here is the future that they must endure together. 

我們一起抽離    卻真實    又深刻 (We both depart from reality, but also authentic and profound)

I think this original line is talking about how the two people both depart from reality together and ascends into a romantic cloud, but also that their feelings are genuine (the word 真實 = 真情实感, the same word dd use to describe true feelings about The Untamed) and grounded. However, I think we can even interpret the “depart from reality” as gg and dd leaving their true selves and becoming WWX and LWJ in the drama. This line is saying that while they’re both not themselves, they feelings they share are still authentic. 

你也應該把我放開 (You should also let me go)

你知道你隨時都可以回來 (You know you can always come back)

我們因彼此而自由    而存在 (Because of each other, we’re free and we are here)

When I first heard this part, I was kinda hurt by the letting go part. But the more I think of it, the more this actually becomes my favorite part of the song. It’s saying that their love isn’t trapping or binding each other. It’s almost as if gg is saying that it’s okay if you leave me, I will still be here for you and you can come back if you choose. This part make me feel like this song is gg’s expressing his side of love. This is the part that makes me believe that this song is about how gg feels for dd but dd may not know about his feelings at this point. 

“You should also let me go” can also be gg’s way of telling dd not to be insecure about his feelings. We can see that dd is very clingy towards gg, always trying to get his attention. I think part of that comes from dd’s insecurity when it comes to gg’s feelings since gg isn’t as straightfoward. However, here gg is saying that you should not be afraid of letting me go because I will always be here for you and we’re free because of each other because we chose to love each other. 

我是那個你不常打開的盒子 (I am that music box you rarely open)

永遠在原地等待 (Always waiting for you here)

等你回來聽我重複這旋律 (Wait for you to come back to hear me repeat this song)

就這樣    幾分鐘    一輩子 (Just like this for a couple minutes, forever)

Gg said before that he thinks “waiting” is the most romantic thing in the world. This part, similar to before, is saying that gg is willing to wait for dd if he’s willing to come back to him. The last line, “for a couple minutes, forever” means that he’s willing to wait, even if it only takes a second or even if it takes eternity. I love the extreme juxtaposition of this throughout the lyrics. It’s almost as if the singer is giving the other person the freedom to choose whether they want to be together right now or much later. It’s even more touching than just “I will be here forever.”

In summary, I think that this song express gg’d love to dd. That he will provide a safe environment for dd with his love and that he’s willing to wait for dd to give him whatever dd will want at the moment. I think at this point, dd doesn’t know about gg’d feelings because this song seems very “one-sided” (not that gg’s love isn’t get reciprocated but that it’s more about what gg can give dd). 6/22 is probably when gg became very certain of his feelings for dd and solidified it in his heart. This is the moment he decided he will wait for dd’s wishes in order to determine their future together.

This is probably the most romantic song I’ve ever heard, more than Nan Hai (sorry dd). I may do an analysis on Nan Hai later if I feel like it. Even if you don’t read this post, I highly recommend the song. 

如果    我是一首歌 (If I were a song)

我是那首很愛你的歌 (I am that song that loves you very much)

[anotherhamiltonblog]

Unwritten Destiny pt 1

Unwritten Destiny part 1 a Daveed Diggs x OFC fic (partly Rafael Casal x OFC)

Rose Soo faceclaim is Christian Serratos(Rosita from TWD)

Warnings: Flirtation? Cursing? Embarrassment. Some fluff? Pregnancy. Some social media in there. Talk of Cheating... that’s it i think. ALSO ITS NOT PROOF READ.

Word Count: 2.5k(maybe a little more. i forgot now)

Forever Tag: @i-know-i-can​

Enjoy.

The first time Rose ever spoke with Daveed, it was back in 2015, she was trying to call her cousin. Yet a male answered the call. Not that Rose even noticed, she went straight into a rant about her delayed flight. Her asshole boyfriend who refused to travel with her and how she was starving. 

Of course, after finding out that it was a man named Daveed listening to her rant. Rose listened to him explain that Pip had left her phone at his place after their cast dinner. It was past midnight and Rose was waiting for late flight from L.A to NYC to spend time to her cousin.

The two happily chatted, going on random things. Like the Hamilton show and how much Daveed was really enjoying his part in it. Daveed kindly talked to her until she had to board her plane.

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The second time was when her cousin Phillipa was dragging Rose to a after party after the show. Rose had been fighting with her boyfriend over the phone a few minutes before they had arrived. To say her mood had turned sour was an understatement. She was on break from filming The Walking Dead and just wanted to spend time with her cousin. He didn’t want to join her, his loss. So, as she stood around, a cup in her hand, Rose couldn’t help but roll her eyes and judge the party. Not that meant to do so, she was just in a foul mood.

“Hey! Pip’s cousin!” a voice called out, Rose looking over and raised an eyebrow. “Daveed… we once talked for over an hour on the phone?”

At that she laughed and held out a hand. “Ah, a face to the voice… I’m Rose, or Rosie.” She introduced herself.

“Well it’s nice to finally meet you.” He winked and looked around. “Enjoying the party?”

At the question, Rose pulled a face. “I mean, it’s ok. Feels a little… high school scene.” She admitted. “The red solo cups, tacky music…” she shrugged and looked around. “At least everyone’s having a good time!” She added with a laugh.

“DIGGS!” A voice yelled out from Daveed’s other side. “Dude… where is the food? Also… I might have broken a vase. BUT I cleaned up the mess!”

Rose’s face paled and her jaw dropped. “Wait… it’s your party?” she asked turning to the two men. Cursing under her breath when Daveed nodded, Rose tipped back the drink in her cup before excusing herself.

She could not believe she just bad mouthed the party to the fucking host. God this was not her night.

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By the third time they were talking, after countless teasing from Daveed at the ‘boring’ dinner and ‘horrible’ music the restaurant was playing. Rose ignored him, while the rest of the Hamilton cast were laughing and having a jolly good time.

“Yo, where you going?” Rafael asked when Rose stood up.

She just gave him a pointed look and held up her phone, showing a call was coming through. Turning, making sure she had her ringing phone, Rose walked away from the table.

Standing outside of the restaurant, talking to her boyfriend, more arguing then having a conversation. Rose talked, expressing herself and moving her hand around as they fought.

“Trouble in paradise…” Daveed commented, everyone really trying to ignore the girl outside, not that it was easy. They were seating next to the windows, which gave them perfect view of Rose.

“Not that it’s anyone’s concern… her boyfriend is an asshole who didn’t want her to come visit.” Phillipa glanced at everyone and went back to talk with Jasmine.

When the girl came back to the table, her eyed, red and slightly puffy from crying. She picked up her purse and put down money. “I gotta go… I’m sorry.”

With that, she didn’t wait for anyone to stop her. She turned and rushed out.

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Being busy with the show, comic con and interviews. Rose was finally getting time off. The year was 2016 when the two ran into each other. The two being in Miami, while one was on a break, the other was simply just on her day off from Comic Con and photoshoots.

Walking the beach, wearing a one-piece black bathing suit that showed off all of her back. Rose was enjoying her time away from her cast mates. She loved everyone she worked with, yet these little moments when she could just breath and he herself. It was what she preferred.

“Rose?” a strange, yet very familiar voice called out. Causing the dark-haired girl to turn and be shocked to see Daveed standing there.

Shirtless.

In just swim trunks.

Damn

“Hey! What brings you here to Miami?” she asked, a small smile on her face.

“My group is doing some shows here…” he chuckled. “I’m just enjoying the sun and almost deserted beach.”

Nodding, Rose looked around before facing the ocean. “It is nice when almost no one is around, huh?”

“What are you doing here?”

Turning back to face the man, Rose chuckled. “Uh, work… This is my day off. Tomorrow I’m back at comic con and interviews about the new upcoming season.” She sighed, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Oh true… I’ve been watching that. The ending of season six… that was fucked up.” Daveed grinned and raised an eyebrow, nudging Rose softly. “Come on… give up some spoilers?”

Laughing and nudging him back, Rose shook her head. “No can do.” She laughed, the two giving the other a small smile.

Spending the rest of the day together, Rose snapping photos for Daveed to post. Only for him to do the same for her, he snapped various photos, some without her knowing.

Rose had a good day; she had planned on spending it alone. To clear her head from her idiot ex, yet by nightfall, as she got back to her hotel room, after having dinner with Daveed. Rose realized she didn’t think about Mark once the whole time she was out.

Grabbing her phone, she found Daveed’s number and clicked on it to send a message.

Rosie: ‘Thanks for today. I hope you have a great show. I’ll have to try and make it to one of your shows before leaving!’ D. Diggs: ‘Tell me which night your free and I’ll arrange it for you!’ Rosie: ‘Will you also arrange the menu, the venue, the seating?’

Giggling at her little Thomas Jefferson jab, she started to take off her makeup waiting for a reply. When her phone dinged. She picked it up and giggled.

D. Diggs: ‘You think you cute or something?’ Rosie: ‘Oh, I think I’m adorable! 😉’

When she didn’t hear back from him, she went and got ready for bed after posting a photo pn twitter.

Her phone going off hours later with a new text, yet Rose was already fast asleep.

She was sad when the opportunity to go see Daveed with his group never came. Though she tried to get a night off. She wasn’t able too. Something Daveed luckily understood. Not that either party were particularly happy with it.

Rosie: ‘Sorry I couldn’t make it to your show… ☹’ D. Diggs: ‘I understand. You’re a busy gal.’

Getting on the plane with her castmates, Rose sighed and fixed herself on the seat and fell asleep.

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2017. A year in which Rose didn’t see anyone other than her castmates and boyfriend. Going as far as changing her number to stop all the fighting she was having with Mark. He hated that she was texting Daveed. So, she did everything to not talk to him anymore. No matter how much she missed the man.

By the end of 2017, things were going so horrible that Rose couldn’t take it anymore. She was in the middle of packing her bags while Phillipa was waiting in the living room for her.

“I can’t believe you would do this!” she yelled at Mark, fed up with all the lying and cheating. “After everything I did for you. Fuck. You!” she snapped, pulling on her coat and grabbing the four bags she had packed.

“I’ll be sending someone to get the rest of my stuff. You touch one thing that’s mine. I won’t hesitate in going to the cops and charging you with the abuse you put me through.” She hissed, raising an eyebrow at Marks scoff.

“No one will believe a bitch like you.”

Grinning, she nodded slowly. “I have proof. Pictures, videos and voice recordings.” She said calmly, “So don’t fucking test me.”

With that said, she turned and stormed out of the room and went downstairs. Her cousin helped her with grabbing two bags, and they left the house.

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Being at the Premiere of Blindspotting, Rose was excited. When Rafael messaged her on Twitter and asked her to be his ‘date’ seeing as he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and didn’t want to go alone. Deciding to go for it, Rose was more than happy to dress up and be one of the first people to see the movie.

At the Premiere, she was on Rafael’s arm, the two talking and having a good time. When they bumped into Daveed, Rose still smiled. Despite the little green monster on her shoulder when she saw him with the gorgeous Emmy Raver-Lampman. The four talked, she allowed them to take pictures with the cast of the movie, even getting pulled into some photos thanks to Rafael.

By the end of the night, both Jasmine and Rose were ready for the after party.

At the party, the girls were dancing, drinking and laughing together. Jasmine telling Rose about how Daveed and Emmy met back during the Hamilton days and they started dating a few days back.

Rose told Jasmine about her ex, the cheating and beatings. The end and how Phillipa went to help her leave. Then the random message Rafael sent to invite her and how the two hit it off. Just as friends,

Not that the night ended like that, after lots of alcohol and light touches, Rose and Rafael ended up sharing a hotel room and bed that night.

The next morning, neither really minded what happened, deciding to keep it up simply for pleasure. Seeing as neither one of them were in a relationship.

There were times, Rose would go visit man, go on tour with him and Daveed, whenever she wasn’t filming. He would come to Georgia to visit her as well. The two hitting it off pretty well. When they decided to end things, around the time Daveed and his girlfriend Emmy split. Magazines always making things up about the two friends, everyone wanting to know if they were dating, or what was going on.

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Rose found herself living in New York. 2019 was starting to look a lot better than she expected, only problem… Rose was pregnant, and Rafael was now dating some pretty model. He knew, of course he knew. So did his girlfriend. They all decided that Rose would keep the baby and split visitations.

The situation was a weird one, not that Rose cared, she was happy, Rafa was happy. Everyone was happy.

On an afternoon walk, she was surprised when she bumped into Rafael, who was waiting for Daveed. Jokingly posting a photo of Rafael on her Instagram, tagging Daveed. The two waited around for the other male. Just walking around and laughing. Rafael buying her a New York pretzel as they waited.

By the time Daveed joined them, the guys kept making her stop to take pictures of them every now and again. Rose rolling her eyes and smile each time.

“Come on… Phillipa is waiting for us to have a late lunch!” Rose linked her arm with the two males, and they headed to the cute deli.

Sitting down, Rose asked for an iced tea and a smoked ham deli sandwich with a side of tator tots. Everyone at the table being quiet and just sitting around after the orders were placed.

“So… we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?” Daveed asked, glancing around his friends at the table.

“I think I’m gonna call him Dumbo, Jim and Henry…” Rose said, looking behind Daveed, who turned and saw mini statues of elephants on a shelf.

Thankfully that broke the ice and they fell into comfortable talk, mostly about work. When the food came, Rose scrunched up her face when the smell of smoked ham hit her. Covering her mouth, she excused herself and rushed off to the bathroom.

Rafael on her heels, along with Phillipa who went into the bathroom with her.

Daveed’s POV:

Watching Rafael come back, Daveed raised an eyebrow. “She ok?” He asked, obviously worried.

“Hmm?” Rafa raised an eyebrow and lifted his head once he sat down. “Oh… shit man. I didn’t even.” But he trailed off. “Remember how we were kind of seeing each other and broke off a month back cause I met Adrienne?” he looked up at his best friend and slouched back in his seat. “She’s pregnant. I mean, we don’t want to terminate the pregnancy. Adrienne is ok with it, understands that Rose and I were never in love… simply physical between us.”

Daveed rubbed his forehead. “Well… there goes my chance with her.” He mumbled and

Rafael furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward. “What do you mean?” he asked his best friend. “You’ve been with Emmy… That’s why I asked her out man.” He kept his voice down so those around wouldn’t hear.

“Yeah, I know. Why do you think we didn’t work out. She’s a great girl. Talented… but she’s not Rose. I was waiting for y’all to end so I could ask her out.”

“Well, you still can… I mean, if you don’t mind her being pregnant or anything. Won’t be like it’s some strangers kid or anything.” Rafa suggested with a smirk. “She’s a great gal ya know.”

Daveed just sighed and shut up when the girls returned.

“Hey, I asked them to switch your sandwich. Hopefully Roast Beef will be better for you.” Daveed grinned at Rose, noticing the slight blush on her cheeks.

“Aw, thanks Diggs.” She smiled and kissed his cheek before sitting back down. “Don’t worry… I washed my mouth with mouth wash I carry around.” She added making Daveed chuckle.

After everyone ate, Phillipa went to the theater her show was at, Rafa left to head back to the apartment he was sharing with his girlfriend while they are in New York,

Daveed looked at Rose and smiled. “Want to go grab some ice cream?” he asked and offered his arm to the girl, she grinned and nodded, agreeing to go with him.

The rest of the day went nicely, with both Rose and Daveed walking around New York, acting as if they were tourists visiting the city for the first time.

AN: That’s the first chapter. It’s long. the fic itself will only be around 5-6 parts.

Hope you all enjoyed this!

[infinite-xerath]

Runeterra Retcons 2: Aatrox and the Darkin

I did another one. There’s one more character I have in mind to do, but then I’ll probably take a small break from these))

Aatrox is an interesting case; while I don’t necessarily believe his current lore is BAD per se, I think he’s more-so a case of missed opportunity and wasted potential. Aatrox, to me, reeks of a case where Riot gave zero forethought to the future of this character when they created him. To fully understand why I feel this way, we’re going to have to take a step back and analyze some of the history of League itself, as well as some characters connected to Aatrox. So, with that all said, let’s look back at the history of this angry red swords and see if we can make sense of the changes given to him over the years.

Aatrox was released into the game back in 2013, under the title “The Darkin Blade.” Now, what’s a Darkin, you ask? Well, at the time, we didn’t really know, and it kind of became obvious that Riot didn’t either. Let’s have a read of his original lore, shall we?

I was always a fan of Aatrox’s original lore: an ancient, mysterious figure who shows up to help you turn the tides of a war, but only after you’d effectively surrendered your own humanity for the sake of victory. The fact that there was an entire race just like him became the center of fan speculation of years, and countless theories cropped up as to who and what the Darkin even were. Some assumed that they were related to the Seven Deadly Sins, while others thought they might be akin to the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Some thought they might just be a dying race, and that some might actually be benevolent, unlike Aatrox.

Unfortunately, Riot wouldn’t give us an answer for quite some time. All we knew was that Aatrox was a Darkin and that he looked a lot like typical modern depictions of demons. That does raise the question though: why didn’t they just make Aatrox a demon? He helps turn the tides of conflict with no apparent goal beyond just prolonging the chaos and suffering brought about by war. A lot of his voice lines even painted him as a psychotic “artist” of sorts, prior even to Jhin, that viewed conflict and bloodshed as elegant. Well, to better understand the full picture here, we need to take a step back and examine the broader picture here.

Now, admittedly, we’re delving in some speculation territory here, as it’s impossible to really say what Riot’s original plans for the Darkin were, if any. That being said, the inclusion of something like a demon would have had a lot of implications back in the day, as the Runeterra as we knew it then didn’t really have a “Heaven” or “Hell.” Sure, we had “angels” with Kayle and Morgana, but they were treated more like how Asgardians are treated in Marvel: more like a race of super powerful aliens than actual divine entities (keep that in mind for later.) If anything, what little we knew of an “afterlife” in League came from Yorick’s old lore, in which he acted like a psychopomp similar to Charon from Greek myth.

It wasn’t until Tahm Kench came out in 2015 that Riot properly introduced demons as a concept in the lore, retconning several other champions like Evelynn and Nocturne into being demons. For a bit of context: in Runeterra, demons are effectively malevolent spirits from the spirit realm that feed on negativity: fear, pain, hatred, and so-forth. When other characters started getting turned into demons, a lot of people, myself included, thought that Aatrox would meet the same fate. After-all, they hadn’t actually DONE anything with the “Darkin” outside of Aatrox’s bio, and he functioned in a manner similar to them. Some even theorized that the Darkin would be made to represent a specific breed of demon, and this theory gained even more traction when Tahm Kench was given special voice lines for taunting near Aatrox.

Then, on July 12, 2017, we got Kayn, and with him: Rhaast. Rhaast is the second Darkin character added to the lore: a talking scythe with an eye that possess its host. Kayn is able to hold back Rhaast’s influence, keeping it to a single arm through the use of shadow magic, but depending on your actions in-game, you can see what happens if Rhaast manages to win their struggle and take over Kayn’s body completely. With Rhaast’s introduction, it pretty-much cemented that the Darkin were living weapons that took over the hosts of their wielders, which made sense given that Aatrox’s sword was always hinted to be alive and have a mind of its own. In fact, the idea of the Darkin being living weapons, or at least being bound to their weapons in some way, was one of many fan theories raised since Aatrox’s release all the way back in 2013.

Unfortunately, the new champion’s bio didn’t give us a lot to work with. Rhaast was the weapon, but Kayn himself is the Champion, so a lot of his bio tells us more about Kayn’s backstory: how he joined the Order of Shadows, how he acquired Rhaast in the first place, etc. While this isn’t exactly a problem, it gave us no further information on the Darkin; what they really were, where they came from, and why there are only five left in existence all remained mysteries for the fans to speculate about. It still wasn’t even clear if the Darkin were connected to demons, or if they were something else entirely.

Now, it’s around this time that another theory began to start blowing up in popularity; technically, this was another old fan theory, but now that we had a general idea of what the Darkin actually were, there was another Champion wielding a living weapon that fans started to speculate might be connected to them: Varus. Varus is an old character, and though we won’t be deep-diving into him too much into this video, allow me to give you a tldr of his original story.

Varus was an Ionian archer set to guard the Pit of Pallas, a giant hole where his people had long ago sealed some unexplained corrupting purple entity that seemed like it maybe should have related to the Void somehow but didn’t. Varus resisted the entity’s influence for years until Noxians one day showed up and started slaughtering his people, wanting to get their hands on Pallas so that they could use it as a weapon because of course they did. Varus was faced with a choice: stay and guard the temple built around the pit or go back to his village and help his people fight. Varus chose the former and was apparently SUCH a badass archer that he single-handed kept the invaders at pay with his arrows, though this choice came at a cost: when Varus returned to his village, everyone he knew and loved was dead, including his wife and son.

Enraged, Varus returned to the pit and struck a deal with Pallas: he would allow the entity to inhabit his body in return for vengeance against the Noxians. Varus proceeded to wander the world with a bow made from the entity’s own solidified essence in the hopes of finding and killing… Basically every Noxian he could. Yeah, Varus wanted nothing short of full-on genocide, starting with the surviving soldiers that attacked his village. There’s a lot to go into there, but you’ve probably figured out the relevance of this by now: Pallas turned itself into a bow for Varus to take his vengeance in exchange for possession over his body. Not too dissimilar a living sword and scythe who also possessed people and had an insatiable hunger for death and destruction, right?

Riot seemed to agree, and in 2017 they released a music video along with a comic and an entirely new bio for Varus. Together, these updates served to not only retcon Varus’s backstory (a topic for another episode) but finally give us an update as to who and what the Darkin were. In a word: they were aliens.

In short, the Darkin were a race from another planet/dimension drawn to Runeterra for its abundant use of magic. They tried to conquer the planet, causing the Great Darkin War, which ended only when the races of Runeterra figured out how to seal the Darkin in their own otherworldly weapons. Varus, Aatrox, Rhaast, and two others were trapped in their weapons, which an unnamed warrior queen (possibly an Aspect) used to drive back the other Darkin and seal the portal to their world. The five that were imprisoned in their weapons were then scattered and hidden across Runeterra.

This, at last, brings us back to Aatrox’s new bio:

“One of the ancient Darkin, Aatrox was once a peerless swordmaster who reveled in the bloody chaos of the battlefield. Trapped within his own blade by the magic of his foes, he waited out the millennia for a suitable host to wield him - this mortal warrior was corrupted and transformed by the living weapon, and Aatrox was reborn. Though tales of the darkin have now passed into legend, he remembers only too well the destruction of his race, and wreaks his vengeance one sword blow at a time.”

So Aatrox was made into a general for an alien race who sought to finish what his people started by having the Runeterrans fight and slaughter one another in a series of bloody conflicts… For a few months, at least. Literally the next year in 2018, Aatrox finally got his visual and gameplay update, turning him into the World Ender we know today. Along with this came entirely new lore for him, as well as the Darkin.

Insert lore here

So… The Darkin are no longer invading aliens, but Ascended who went nuts and were trapped inside their own weapons. In other words, the Darkin went from being a race to being more of a derogative term for fallen demigods. What’s more, Aatrox received a VERY substantial alteration his character and personality: he went from being a war-loving “artist” who causes conflict for the sake of it to being a tortured soul who wants to die so badly that he’ll end all of creation to do it.

Now, like I said before: I don’t think this backstory is bad. I don’t hate it. It does a lot to flesh out Shurima as a region, gives us more info on the Ascended, and it adds a bit more nuance to Aatrox as a character. Imagine being trapped inside a weapon, losing all access to your senses. Imagine that the only chance you get to move is when you take over someone else’s body, transforming it into a warped version of your own former glory, only to realize that you’re on a time limit and the only way you can continue to walk, talk, see, hear, or feel anything is by slaughter’s people and consuming their blood. Imagine spending CENTURIES trying to find a way out, only to repeatedly learn that any means to free or even kill yourself ends in failure. Imagine being SO desperate to rest that you’re willing to end all of existence just to find peace.

I like Aatrox’s new story. I do. Honestly, the only real complaint I have is that Aatrox doesn’t exactly have a PLAN for how he aims to end existence? Like, he calls himself a World Ender and a god-slayer, but we only know of one god he’s actually slain (Pantheon) and given that Runeterra is still around, it seems like his world-destroying count is still at zero. Honestly, if he wants to end all of existence, I feel like turning the Void, a reality-consuming threat that he has FOUGHT BEFORE would kind of be the obvious solution? Honestly, I imagine that just chucking the sword into the Void would be a good way for him to end his own existence, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

So, if I like Aatrox’s new lore, why am I rewriting it? Simple, really: even if I overall like his current lore state, I feel like the road we took to get here was… Kind of long and unnecessary. It seems kind of obvious looking back that Riot didn’t have a clear long-term plan for Aatrox or the Darkin, as years of unanswered questions followed by multiple retcons kind of entails. From being the last survivor of an ancient race, to MAYBE being a demon, to being an alien, to finally becoming a fallen demigod. Aatrox’s history is practically a whole story in-and-of-itself, and I’ve long wondered how things might have turned out if Riot had, you know, picked a direction and gone with it a bit sooner?

So, here’s the basis of my rewrite: I’m gonna try and incorporate elements from all of Aatrox’s various backstories into a single, coherent biography. Can I manage it? Well, I’ll leave that for you all to determine…

When the skies are blackened by the flames of war and the earth is dyed red with blood, Aatrox draws near. For as long as conflict has existed among the races of Runeterra, the Chaos Blade has manifested to those deemed worthy, turning the tides of battle in exchange for the flesh of whoever wields it.

The true origins of the Darkin have long been lost time. Some say that they are the first weapons ever forged, corrupted by the malice of those who have wielded them over ages. Others claim that the Darkin are a rare breed of demon, of whom only five remain. Only one thing is certain: the Darkin exist only to bring death and destruction, and none embrace this more than Aatrox himself.

Tales of a wicked blade manifesting amidst the heat of battle exists across all cultures, from the frigid north to the blistering south. The sword is said to appear before warriors on the cusp of defeat: those who would give anything, even their own lives, for the sake of victory. Those who wield the Chaos Blade are granted inhuman strength and endurance, often haled as heroes for turning the tides of battle. With every foe slain, however, the Chaos Blade grows stronger, consuming the mind of its wielder and warping their flesh. In time, the hero becomes a mindless vessel, slaughter all in its path until slain. When its host falls, the Chaos Blade returns from whence it came, waiting for the moment that another might heed the sword’s call.

For ages this cycle persisted, until the day the sword manifested before a warrior of Shurima’s Ascended Host. After the Fall of Icathia, the Sunborn were called to face the encroaching threat of the Void, wielding celestial might and magic great enough to crush a hundred mortal armies. Before the Void, however, even the mighty Ascended began to falter.

The horrors summoned by Icathia steadily pushed north, consuming everything in their path and twisting the earth into maddening shapes. As their numbers dwindled, many Sunborn called to retreat, hoping to regroup within the capital and think of a plan. As some fled, however, the Ascended general Aatrox stood his ground. Pushing his draconic form to its limits, Aatrox struck down one abomination after another. When his great blade, soaked in the Oasis of the Dawn itself, was wrenched from its grasp, Aatrox fought with tooth and claw. Even if he were to fall, Aatrox would do everything in his power to slay as many Voidspawn as possible, resigning himself to death so the other Sunborn might rally their forces.

It was then, amidst the sea of madness woven by the Void, that Aatrox saw a sword embedded into the twisted earth. The blade seemed to call out to him, and Aatrox took it without question. In an instant, the general was filled with unimaginable strength and fury, and his allies watched in amazement as Aatrox fought with strength of ten Ascended warriors. Inspired by his newfound fury, the Sunborn rallied, their fighting spirits renewed at last.

When the conflict against the Void drew to a close, Aatrox was haled as a hero among heroes, though many of his former allies became wary of him and the wicked sword he now carried. Some suggested that the blade should be destroyed, while others, such as Aatrox himself, argued that its power would be instrumental if the Void ever returned.

Resentment and suspicion began to grow amongst the Sunborn, and the cracks only grew larger as Aatrox aided the other Ascended in summoning weapons similar to his own. The warriors of the Ascended host began to distance themselves from one-another and the capital, taking up posts across Shurima’s vast empire. They remained united only in the shared goal of protecting their empire.

And then the Sun Disc fell.

Following Xerath’s Ascension and the death of Emperor Azir, years of growing tensions erupted across the desert. Some Ascended raced for the chance to fill the now-vacant seat of power for themselves, while others insisted on finding a means to restore the royal dynasty. Debate soon turned to bloodshed, and Shurima was engulfed in a war that lasted centuries. It wasn’t until the Aspects of Targon intervened that the war was finally brought to an end.

Those wielding Darkin weapons were bound to their armaments with powerful magic, in-turn trapping the wicked weapons in the physical realm. The Darkin were scattered across Runeterra, and yet the souls of the Ascended persisted, stripped of bodies and senses.

For ages, Aatrox stewed within the sword that had become his prison, his soul slowly being corrupted further and further by the Chaos Blade until the two had become a single being. Ages passed and the sword was slowly forgotten, until a band of thieves broke into the Darkin’s prison in search of ancient treasure. When the thieves’ leader touched the sword, his mind was overwhelmed in an instant, his body transformed into a twisted likeness of Aatrox’s Ascended form. The Darkin slew the other thieves in an instant, drawing strength from their blood before breaking free of his long confinement.

Aatrox emerged into a frozen landscape with but a single goal: to bring about a war so violent, so destructive, that it would be the end of all things. He would be the World Ender, herald of a conflict to end all others. With every foe he slays, with every swing of his sword, Aatrox sews the seeds for violence and carnage, drawing one step closer to his magnus opus.

So, what did you think? As stated before: my primary goal this time around was to try and combine Aatrox’s various origin stories into a single narrative. Admittedly, I could only manage to do this by adding an air of mystery to the actual origin of the Darkin; maybe they’re demons, maybe they’re aliens, maybe they’re something else entirely. I know that might seem like a bit of a cop-out, but a large part of what made the Darkin so interesting to the community in the first place was the air of mystery surrounding them, and the room it offered for speculation and theorizing.

Another main concern, though, was that I wanted to find a way to blend old Aatrox’s personality with his new one. The thing I miss most about the OG Aatrox was that, despite being obsessed with war and bloodshed, he wasn’t just another rage monster. He was calm and composed, and a lot of his lines hinted at a deeper philosophy toward the inevitability of conflict rather than just “I wanna kill everything because I’m angry!” League has way too many of those, in my honest opinion. I thought that, by combining his mind with a semi-sentient sword that brings about carnage because that’s simply its PURPOSE, a little but of that old Aatrox might shine through.

But, as always, this is all just my opinion; how I, personally, would have gone about reworking the character. If you prefer Aatrox as he currently is, or think my version of the story is inferior, that’s fine! Feel free to share your thoughts and comments, but please, let’s try to keep it civil. After-all…

The last thing we want is to start a war over this…

[razanartuk]

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

[universitykpop]

It’s time to talk about it

I’ve decided to publish that post I talked about the other day. I’ve noticed several other writers on here are making posts about lack of feedback and interaction and that they’re leaving or no longer writing. This is a topic that I’ve tried to not post a lot about because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or annoying. But if there’s any time to talk about it, it’s now. I’ve put it below a cut because it is quite a long post with a lot of my emotions about tumblr and my blog. So buckle up, kids, ‘cause it’s a rollercoaster of feels.

My Experience as a Tumblr Fanfic Writer;

When I started this blog, I was fresh off of onedirectionfanfiction.com and 5sosfanfiction.com, where I never had many readers or any feedback. I got maybe 10 comments (they weren’t in-depth reviews, just ‘omg’ or ‘harry’s so hot’) in total from my dozens and dozens of long fanfics (some stories hitting over 100k words which I can’t even dream of now). Coming onto here, I didn’t think my writing was going to get much attention based on past experience. There was a handful of “big scenario blogs” and I liked and reblogged everything I enjoyed reading because that’s how I wanted people to interact with my content. I didn’t know how it felt to receive positive feedback but I wanted others to, even when they were already getting it from so many other readers. When I hit 500 followers, I thought that was it, I wasn’t going to get more followers/readers. I had readers requesting that I do requests and begging for more parts of stories meant to just be oneshots. I was so over the moon to be receiving that kind of love for something I enjoyed doing. I felt like I was finally good at something; I had a purpose for spending hours writing about people I admired and liked. I was getting messages almost everyday for two years and if I hadn’t posted in so long anons were in my ask box asking if I was still here. I had regular anons who went by cute little anon names for a short time. My notifications exploded so much that I had to turn off push notifications because my phone would not stop going off in classes. I cannot describe how happy I was in that time. I have been writing and reading fanfics since 2009 and I always wondered how it would feel to be one of the “popular” writers on a fic site, and during 2016/2017 I thought I achieved that based on the interactions I got. 

As I continued to write, I started to notice many of the fic writers I followed started making friends with other writers I followed. As someone who is very introverted, shy, and socially anxious (especially at this point in time of my blog), I wondered if any other writers would reach out to me and befriend me. No one ever really did, and I thought something was wrong with me. They had their group chats and inside jokes they’d post and tag each other. They would inspire each other to write things and bounce ideas off one another. I haven’t ever felt like I was a part of the kpop fanfic writing community; I was just kinda there. People knew my url but didn’t know me. I had mutuals who messaged me a few times, and then a while later I go back to see what they’re doing and they’re no longer mutuals with me. It shouldn’t have bothered me but it did. Was I annoying? Did they just not like me? Did someone else talk shit about me and then that person changed their opinion about me? I’ll never know because I don’t like confrontation. I have always felt kind of left out, and it reminded me a lot of my real life. Since 2015 when I started this blog, I’ve made one friend and I still talk to her to this day. At times, she was my only friend. She knows who she is, and I cannot say how grateful I am that she reached out to me.

Around 2018, interactions just kind of stopped. I became paranoid and frantic about how I could get back to where I was, but nothing I did worked. As I approached 17k followers, only needing two more to hit it, I began to lose followers by the dozens. I couldn’t figure out why. I was still posting stories but barely got feedback. I decided to stop writing for a bit and not many readers were concerned. It got to the point that I avoided getting on here because I knew I would only get upset and feel guilty by logging on. It felt weird because I had such a large following yet no one cared. And now, I sit at 16.4k followers who barely interact with my content. I don’t get messages about my content, and sometimes I get more than 5 notes in a day. I don’t feel motivated to write because who’s going to read it? I felt like I lost my purpose; it didn’t matter if I continued to write. My stories became shorter and more scarce. I moved to other platforms to see if engagement would go up, but it didn’t. It was pointless to post here and on other sites. I had a taste of praise and I miss it. When it stopped, I couldn’t figure out if I had done something wrong. I study consumer behavior and write papers about it for my Masters degree, and I still can’t figure out why fanfic readers don’t engage with authors on here. In merchandising, people are always willing to give their opinion on products whether it’s good or bad, so why aren’t fic consumers willing? Some writers I’ve read, who I watched grow in popularity and envied their readers interactions, are now in the same boat I’m in and I hate that this is happening to us. Some of them I’m shocked they are also dealing with this. We make this content for free, spending h o u r s to create it, and we get nothing in return. I loved being able to connect with my readers and feel their emotions about my stories. It made me feel fulfilled finally as an fic author.

Now, I can’t remember the last time I opened my scenario documents. How could something that I loved doing for so long become a burden? This blog caused some of my happiest moments and my saddest. Sometimes I debate deleting my account or logging off for good. But I can’t let go after all the effort I’ve put into my blog. 

Would I recommend becoming a Tumblr fanfic writer? Absolutely not. Do not make Tumblr your primary source where you post your stories. Focus on interactions and feedback from actual fiction websites, where it is meant to host those relationships.

This post isn’t meant to shame anyone or brag. I wanted to be real for a moment and tell my truth. So many writers randomly leave without a word, and I just can’t let myself do that. I want to be in the fandoms and contribute and have fun, but I feel like my time to do that has been over for a long time, like I don’t belong here anymore. I’ll still be around but I probably won’t plan to update stories, specifically on this blog. I will most likely post random oneshots on my ateez sideblog @alotofteez and my accounts on aff and ao3. I’ll still make photo edits every once in a while. I really didn’t think I’d make this sort of “goodbye” post because I had so many plans for this blog that just unfortunately never came to fruition.

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a while. I know. I’m sorry. I hope you are okay, that you are healthy and that your loved ones are okay too.

I was feeling better, genuinely. Even with a global pandemic and despite the fact that I have not hugged my girlfriend in a year, I feel better. Happier, somehow. I think it’s because I told my parents about A. They took it pretty well considering the fact that I kept it from them for more than two years and that my dad is quite homophobic - turns out he is not when it’s about his own flesh and blood. I don’t know if I told you that I told them. But here you go.

Did I tell you that I started dance classes again? Well due to Covid they stopped again, like in march. I miss it. They usually keep me sane. Now, since yesterday, I feel like I am going crazy. I finished my last exam but I still have to work on my thesis. Mind you, I even applied for an Erasmus Mundus, Glasgow, Aarhus and Barcelona, maybe even Vancouver are the cities I would live in for six months each more or less. It sounds really interesting but it’s so expensive. In some weeks they tell me if I’m admitted to the scholarship. If I don’t get that scholarship, paying might get tricky. I am looking for apartments right now and I found one I really like. It’s around 50cm2, has a kitchen/living room, a bathroom, a room and a tiny room. It looks amazing but it’s expensive. Then again, it’s cheaper than anything else I saw. It’s 400 000€, when all the others started at 600 000€. Housing situation in Luxembourg is hell. It’s so expensive. The apartments I went to take a look at aren’t even in a central region. They are all on the countryside and so so so expensive. Did you know that for an apartment that size in the capital you nearly pay a million? In other countries you get an entire house for that prize, but hey… that’s life I guess. Well, when I saw this particular apartment, I fell in love. And if everything goes right, I will buy it and borrow money at the bank, hello depts for 15 years, but hey I’m only 22. I saw the apartment and I imagined A living there with me. We have talked about names for children and Samira or Alia are the ones we stuck with. What do you think of those? I know they aren’t typical names and if I’m not wrong they have arabic and/or hindu origines, but we fell in love with them. We’d like to adopt a girl, but there are many procedures until that can happen. She will probably move in with me as soon as we both finish our studies. We want to marry. Who would have thought that? It makes me genuinely happy and the distance has made us stick together even more.

I also finished my internship with the extra third graders. It was exhausting but I miss the kiddos. They turned out to be great as soon as I found out how to handle each of them and their extra behaviour. Some of them told me they wanted me to be their teacher till the end of the year. I nearly cried when I heard that, but hey, I held back the tears.

Not-Rose and I are sometimes talking, I am on friendly terms with Sally again, and I just completely dropped the 9. Lena is distant (yea, we share that name, I’m not talking about my secret alter ego) and never wants to do anything. I told Laura and Daniel about A too. They took it well. And Lisa is like always. They are my friends I guess. But I don’t think we will stay in touch after uni. We just don’t have many things in common and some of their thoughts and ideas are… quite challenging for me. I don’t want to say they are utterly stupid, but they kind of are dunderheads. I love them though, I just don’t feel like we have a lot in common. I hope the Glasgow will accept me… because that Masters degree would give me a chance to work in a higher field, maybe even research, so that I can bring about the change I strive for. Sometimes I do feel weird for telling you all of this. I’m sorry for oversharing (if it’s bothering anybody).

Oh, also, I cleaned my emails (went from 6000 to 120, huge, huh?) and I stumbled upon some form my Spanish teacher (2014-2017) The way I wrote made me cringe, but her messages were kind. I think she is one of the people who made me change for the better. A is too. And me changing my way of thinking and being more open. It think it has helped me improve a lot. I reached out to a therapist for my dermatillomania and have an appointment in march. It’s public therapy and they have long waiting periods, but at least I reached out. Right?

I wrote the TOEFL again and the DELE C1, I hope to get my results soon. The DELE is taking 3 months already, and TOEFL should arrive in about 5 days. I think I did good. I hope well enough to be admitted at a university in Madrid if they don’t take me for the Erasmus Mundus programme.

You know what? Writing to you always makes me feel serene. I’m calm right now. Freya Ridings’ Lost Without You is my company and I am okay. Yesterday I wasn’t. A’s mom might have cancer… and it might be spreading. She was destroyed and I wanted to help but I don’t even know when the next flight are going to Spain from here… I mean, there are flights, but what if no plane flies back and I am stuck there with uni starting again here… I cried. Because of her and her mother and because some days ago she asked me to read to her out of my “Essays” (aka the crap I have been writing on my phone since 2015, which mostly is utterly depressing and consists of the things I don’t really tell people. That, and some letters to you, that is. And she asked me to read the bad parts about her to her… so I did. And oh I hated myself for those words. She is okay with them, says they make her learn what to do and how to improve, but I felt like a huge a**hole because those things were not fair towards her. I was so deep into my own misery that I didn’t realize how bad I was treating my girlfriend, even though it was only on the screen and my head. That’s too much. After reading some to her, she had to leave, and I read through the entire 268 pages again and deleted every single bad thing I ever wrote about her. That didn’t make the bad feeling go away though.

I’m sorry for having written so much. It’s just been a while. I truly hope you and everybody reading through my thoughts is okay (and hey, thanks for having read until here, I know it was a lot this time).

Be safe,

Love always,

Lena.

P.S. Listen to Daughter (“Tomorrow”, “Youth”, or whatever really. The band is great and has been my company for a loooong while now)

(22.01.2021, 11:09h)