#i also keep thinking about her dying from cancer or something

[tardis--dreams]

I hate seeing animals or thinking about them. I get all emotional and sad thinking about potential ways they could get hurt or die :(

[orcelito]

Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !

[the-acid-pear]

On: today i dreamt...

What started as a story about a group of gangster breaking into an abandoned (but not really?) prison to film their movie and being caught soon devolved into an international conspiracy filled with subplots about love and corruption, culminating with both groups that we thought were equally righteous finding out not everything was quite as it seems.

[cottagecheese1]

Helo could do part two of Surprised, Tony Stark x little sister reader wherein the reader couldn't take anymore pain and the cancer is strong it means the reader is dying to make her is being comfortable. She has wishes and tony and Avengers were determined to make it true. Also the reader seems dead by the end. Of it and make the avengers and tony sad and devastated especially tony who practically raise her

Nice surprise (part two)

a/n: This is part two for however wanted it! you can find part one right here

Everything seemed to be going great a few months after the avengers came to visit you, or that's what Tony thought at least. He had decided to visit you today just because you were his only little sister and he thought you might wanna see someone, Tony couldn’t bear the thought of you just sitting in that bed all alone and rotting in that damn hospital with no company, but even though he was sure you were used to it, since you’ve been sick for your pretty much your whole life.

As Tony walked through the hospital doors and did the routine check in and signed the visitor sheet, then proceeded to walk to your known hospital room, he opened the door to stick his head in expecting to see you, but you were nowhere to be found. While Tony stood in front of the door pondering where you may have gone, he only seemed to be thinking the worst, one thing Tony did know is that you didn’t deserve this. You were the sweetest living soul and you just happened to get the worst of it.

Tony's worries seemed to be interrupted when he heard a deep voice behind him speaking

“Mr. Stark, may I have a word with you in private..it’s about your sister”, Tony looked at him with confusion then that feeling quickly turned to fear but he didn’t want to believe what he was thinking.

“Is something wrong? I thought you said she was okay.”, Tony stated with an exasperated tremble in his voice.

The doctor looked at him with a sympathetic frown, “Mr. Stark..I’m afraid she won’t make it much longer, she is in a great deal of pain and unfortunately it is just too late to go forward with any other treatments.”

Tony looked down at his feet and clenched his eyes shut, he could feel his heart drop to his stomach and tears began to swell in his eyes, “I..can I atleast see her”, Tony responded with a noticeable tremble in his voice, the doctor frowned at him and nodded his head, “Yes, follow me this way, Mr. Stark”.

As soon as Tony stood in front of your room, he quickly went inside and placed himself right next to your bed, where he peered down at you and saw how tired you were from fighting. Tired of being in pain. At this point the doctor made himself out of the designated room to give you both some alone time.

There seemed to be a pregnant pause in the air as Tony took both of your hands in his own and cried, Tony couldn’t hold down any of the emotions that he attempted to keep down. He wanted to be strong for you, but the thought of losing you just put him in a harrowing state of mind. You looked at him with tears in your eyes as you managed to croak out, “I don’t wanna die Tony..please help me, it hurts so much..I..I just want you to help me”.

Tony shook his head “I’m sorry..I..I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you, I love you and I want you to know that more than anything in the world.”

“I’m going to die aren’t I? And I’ll never get to see the things I wanted to see..because I’ll be gone, and nobody will remember me..I’ll just be gone” you cried out

As Tony lifted your hand off the bed and shook his head in denial, “No, don’t talk that way, everyone will remember you..a..and I’ll make sure of it okay? Hang in there okay, please don’t leave me yet..please don’t” Tony’s voice trembled as he stroked your head, attempting to calm you down.

“Can I ask for a favor Tony?..please”

Tony nodded his head quickly “Y-yes, anything”.

“I wanna go outside and see the world..just one last time before I leave, please”

“Yes, absolutely..I’ll make sure that happens today, if it’s the last thing I ever do”

You gave a half hearted smile and closed your eyes, tears silently running down your cheeks. You never told Tony how you were feeling or how you were actually doing, in your mind your brother was a busy man, and you were sure he didn’t need anymore stress on his plate then he probably already had, so you kept your mouth shut for the greater good.

After Tony spent a few more hours with you, he jogged out to the hall and quickly made his way outside through the automatic sliding doors. He felt like if he didn’t get the team to help him with your last wish, the world might come spiraling in on him. As quick as he got into his black BMW the quicker he got to the compound to make an emergency meeting.

As soon as everybody made themselves into the conference room, Tony quickly started to speak, too fast. Natasha hesitantly interrupts Tony in the middle of his tirade, “Hey hey, slow down, what's wrong? We're here to help you” the rest of the team silently agrees and looks at Tony as he takes a deep breath and rubs his temples.

“I..I’m sorry, it’s just my little sister doesn’t have much time left, and I want her last wishes to be perfect..while she’s still here, and I really need your guys help. It would mean the world to me.”

Everyone looked at Tony sympathetically, while Bruce got up to try and hug him, which quickly led to Tony pushing him away with a “Don’t touch me” Bruce silently nodded and awkwardly put his hands in his pockets, everyone let out a laugh at Bruce's embarrassment until Steve smiled “of course we’ll help you Tony, what kind of friends would we if we didn’t”, Tony smiled at them thankfully and gave a quick thank you.

When the team and Tony of course finally got you out of the hospital for the day, after piles of paperwork. The first destination that you wanted to go to was the ice cream parlor, then go eat at the park. Which of course Tony happily obliged with your request. You happily got your mint chocolate chip ice cream and made your way to the park, with Bucky pushing your wheelchair by the bench. You thought it was a wonderful day outside, sunny warmth radiating off your skin and the sight of children playing on the playground, which made you a little sad since you couldn’t do that, you never could since you were always sick. Tony sensed your discomfort and quickly moved you under some shade.

“So what would you like to do next? Remember that today is about you.” Tony sternly but softly spoke as you got the last phrase.

You pondered and quickly spoke “Hmmm..Oh! How about we go to the zoo!”

Tony chuckled and patted your back lovingly “like I said, Anything you want”.

After you made it back to the bland hospital, that you were disappointed to return to. But you had one more request, “Tony?” he looked at you inquisitively then responded “yes?”

“can you stay with me tonight? Just for tonight..I-I promise”

“Of course, let me check in first, alright?”

You smiled at him brightly then nodded happily. Waiting patiently for Tony to come back, you felt a throbbing pain in your chest, and you knew that wasn’t good. Tony came back starting a sentence but stopping when he saw you clenching your chest and your face twisting in agonizing pain. He ran out your room and grabbed the nearest doctor by the shoulder and attempted to drag them to your room. If one word could describe how he felt right now it would be panic, just panic.

The doctor led Tony out of your room and into the lobby where he was made to sit, with anxiety pouring down on him.

As hours and hours went by, Tony’s worries were yet to cease, until a doctor came into the lobby and called his name. He popped up out of his seat, following the doctor into the mostly vacant hallway.

The man began to speak “Mr. Stark..I am so sorry to inform you that your sister is deceased, we tried everything but..there was nothing we could do to help her, it is very unfortunate you had to find out like this Mr. Stark..but you may go see her for the last time”

At that moment in time, Tony’s world came crashing down on him. And that was only because you were his world. The reason he still had that glimmer of hope, that maybe the world wasn’t all that bad, but apparently it was. He was wrong, but more importantly you were gone and there was nothing in the world he could do about it.

[ae-azile]

I have another ChanBig plot for a fic in my head, one that would be dark, explicit, and somewhat traumatizing. 😬 It was likely loosely inspired by the information Chan provided in Gossip After Death, where Korn was considering throwing Big into a business deal with people who wanted to "alter" his duties. I feel like I am literally incapable of writing a one-shot in this fandom, so idk if I will attempt it or not, but here is the general outline:

Despite not taking any time off for an extremely long time, Chan takes extended leave to care for his dying father. The family is supportive and tells him not to worry about anything while he is gone. They encourage him to take whatever time he needs. While most of the guards tend to be intimidated by him, they offer their well-wishes and condolences when they cross paths with him prior to his departure. The only guard who goes out of his way to see Chan is Big, who brings him food and offers to help him pack. He offers to sit with Chan the night before to watch a movie. Chan surprises himself by saying yes. He didn't realize how much anxiety he had over everything until he was presented with the option of Big leaving or staying for a while.

Big drives him to the airport the next morning. Chan's father lives in London, and it will be a long flight. Big surprises him with some books and downloaded movies and shows on a tablet to help make the flight go faster and for him to take his mind off of things. It's something Chan needs. He doesn't particularly like his father. For the longest time, he hated him. He is starting to question why he agreed to do this. When he sees his father - sick, dying, and still as nasty as ever - Chan wonders if he might kill the man before the cancer finishes the job.

But there are some good things about going back to London. He sees his grandmother, who is somehow in much better shape than his father despite her age - and much nicer. Chan doesn't see how the two are related. He also catches up with a few cousins on his father's side, as well as their children. However, the best thing about being back in London is surprisingly the people who reach out from Bangkok.

Mainly one.

At first, Chan is curious, slightly critical, and surprised that Big has his personal phone. It's normally against the rules outside of certain circumstances. But then Big says that Chan isn't on duty to enforce the rule and that Porsche is surprisingly soft and empathetic when it comes to the technology rule. Chan having to leave to tend to his estranged, dying father made Porsche even softer and he convinced Kinn to do a trial run of letting the guards with seniority keep their phones so they aren't isolated from their friends and families.

While Chan has some concerns about the change, he doesn't make calls to express his criticisms. If that is mainly because he looks forward to Big's texts and calls everyday, then that's his business. He tries to stay professional and treat it as an employee checking in, but Chan finds himself talking to Big about things he hasn't spoken to anyone about. Chan even finds himself not caring about what time they talk, despite the six hour time difference. Big has a business dinner he needs to detail security for? Chan doesn't mind setting his alarm for 3 am so Big can call him and let him know everything went okay. Big can't sleep? Chan doesn't mind texting him while he feeds his father breakfast.

He prefers it.

When his father goes downhill quickly, has mere days left, and Chan is experiencing complicated feelings over the matter, only Big can ground him and make him feel calmer.

"He's going to die soon. I want him dead, but I also don't."

"I know."

"I already started arranging the funeral."

"Kinn mentioned he is on standby to get plane tickets in order to fly out. He and Porsche want to support you. Korn too, I think."

And since Chan isn't conducting matters at the moment, he can't just schedule Big to accompany them. All he finds himself doing is vulnerably asking if Big could make sure he is on their security team for the trip.

"You are one of our most trustworthy guards," Chan gives as an excuse, "I trust you to make sure they are safe."

"Is that the only reason, sir?"

Chan doesn't give Big an answer either way.

But when the funeral happens, only Korn and Pol fly out. Chan is confused for multiple reasons, and he can see that Pol does not want to be there. When Chan texts Big to see what is going on, he doesn't get a response. When he asks Korn what is going on, Korn just dismisses the concerns and says there were some minor mishaps but to focus on his family.

He ends up cornering Pol later that night.

"Khun Korn sent a few men to a get-together in order to spy on the Bianchi family. They didn't come back. Kinn and Porsche are trying to track them down and don't want to worry you when you are dealing with all of this-"

"Who? Which guards?"

"...Gear, Third, and Big."

The news makes him feel sick. He calls Kinn and Porsche incessantly until they finally give in and respond. He knows he comes off as more demanding and panicked than he ever has before, but he can't take the time to calm down. He doesn't even want to stay for the funeral. He wants to take the first flight back despite Kinn's promises to track them down and get them home safe.

And he certainly doesn't want to stay and accompany Korn back as his fucking guard, not when he is the one who sent Big.

And so he doesn't. He visits his grandmother late that night, tells her something happened and that he's leaving, and that he's sorry. His grandmother asks if it has to do with the guy he has been talking to, and he admits that it does. She surprisingly gives her blessing and he takes an early morning flight without saying a word to Korn.

When he arrives and turns his phone back on, he sees that he has several missed calls from his boss but he can't find it within himself to return them. He goes straight back to the compound and sees that Kinn and Porsche have both been made aware that he was likely coming back without notice. Porsche tries his best to give reassurances while Kinn promises to calm Korn down.

Chan frankly doesn't care. All he wants to do is get to work and track down Big.

Chan doesn't expect it to take months, nor does he expect Korn to tell him to let the matter go, that the guards can be replaced.

He also doesn't expect to quit on the spot. But since the guards can be easily replaced, Korn should have no issue finding a replacement for him. It's the first time in a while he has seen Korn look surprised - maybe even regretful - and it is probably the first time Korn has seen him this angry. While Kinn and Porsche promise to keep looking and ask him to please reconsider, Chan tells him he won't be back until Big is safe.

He only remembers to add Gear and Third as an afterthought. But by that point, Porsche's gaze becomes more knowing, and so does Kinn's.

Chan goes solo after that. He has more than enough money to live comfortably, and he doesn't need much to feel comfortable. Kinn and Porsche call to check in and to give updates on their search. Arm does too, and so does Tankhun, who tends to praise him for standing up to Korn.

Korn doesn't call once, although Chan doesn't expect him to, nor does he particularly care. All he can care about is finding Big, and it's feeling hopeless. Even when he flies to Italy to meet with a member of the family, they act like they have no idea what he is talking about. It's a wreckless meeting that leaves two people dead, and he gets no answers out of it.

He only gets answers when Arm reaches out to tell him he has discovered a large transaction between the Bianchis and the Kalashovs. Not long after, the Kalashovs rented a private plane and had an even larger transaction with the Hanchars, a prominent family in Belarus known for sex trafficking. Arm notes that the relationship between the two latter families seems new. Despite feeling sick to his stomach, Chan researches them and finds his way to weasel into their inner circle. He has skills to offer, and he is currently unemployed. When he is able to successfully send word that the top security expert for Thailand's most powerful family is looking to relocate and practice his skills elsewhere, it doesn't take long for someone to track him down.

He plays hard to get and unyielding at first. Being uninterested in what would be considered incredible offers makes criminals intrigued, and making it clear he wants to be regarded differently than he was at his last place of employment gets them to invite him to an exclusive event, an event where he can "enjoy" the best of their business practices. They will even let him bid on something that catches his eye.

While he had hoped saying yes to that would lead him to Big, he didn't expect to have to bid on him once he is put on display - naked, blindfolded, and clearly drugged. It takes everything within Chan to keep his composure as he puts in bid after bid, going high enough to make the men who think they are his prospective employers raise eyebrows. But what matters is that he's the highest bidder.

When Big is thrown at him and Chan catches him, Big immediately goes for Chan's clothes. Chan holds Big's hands in place and requests a private room. While the men in the room try to say he should let them watch - that it's more fun for everyone when there is an audience to watch the winner play with his toy - Chan says that he wants his toy to be able to see him, that he doesn't like the blindfold, and he is willing to pay extra to have a night with him alone.

They allow it, and Chan and Big are escorted to a room in the mansion. Once the door is shut, Chan rips off Big's blindfold and finds his composure crumbling.

"It's me," he says, cupping Big's face, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry it took me so long-"

"Would you like me on the bed or on my knees, sir?"

Chan pauses and takes the sight of Big in. He won't meet his eyes, he looks broken, and Chan is ready to go back out and kill every single man in the auction room.

"Neither," Chan says, "Look at me. I'm getting you out. You're going to be safe-"

"Would you prefer the wall? Or maybe the shower?" Big continues.

"Big, it's me," Chan says, shaking him slightly, "I'm here to HELP you, to get you out-"

"They're watching."

Chan pauses and glances around.

"There are cameras in every room," Big says, kissing Chan's face as he runs his fingers through his hair, "And they will keep watching until they are satisfied, especially for first time bidders. So tell me what you want and how you want to do it."

"I don't-"

"If you came here to save me, then you can't give them reason to think you might betray them," Big whispers into his ear, "They'll kill you. So I need to satisfy them by satisfying you. We'll go to sleep after and escape together in the morning. Do you understand?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Notes for the plot after the rescue:

- Chan tries to make their first time as gentle and loving as possible. It's something Big is clearly not used to and is almost uncomfortable with. Chan isn't comfortable either. He hates that they are in a situation where they are both forced to do this. Chan thinks it is possible that Big is just paranoid by how much these people watch and give a shit about what they are doing. But then they get checked on by a high ranking staff and an offer for a partial refund is made if "the toy" isn't continuing to please Chan. Chan tells the staff to leave and they sleep together again. Round three happens on its own just before dawn. They haven't been bothered for hours and Big initiates, but it is all-consuming and desperate on both their ends because they both know they have the odds stacked against them as soon as they leave the room.

- The escape is brutal. While Chan is set on killing every person who put Big in this situation, Big is on a warpath and clearly holding onto a LOT of pain and resentment.

- They go on the run after they leave and somehow make it across the border. They don't stop driving until they hit Berlin and take a little time to rest.

- While Chan is relieved that Big isn't completely brainwashed like he initially believed, it's clear that he is traumatized. He routinely gets into a headspace where he assumes Chan wants sex. Or he gets paranoid that he will be dragged back to Minsk because Chan kept him for too long. He snaps out of these short episodes, but it's heartbreaking for Chan to witness at all.

- They share a bed, which comforts both of them. At first, Chan worries it may re-traumatize Big, but Big has nightmares that seem to not be as intense when they sleep together.

- Chan informs Kinn and Porsche of what happened. He doesn't get into the details, but he tells them that he and Big will not be coming back anytime soon, that Big can't handle a long flight right now. When Kinn asks about Third and Gear, the only information that Big has given is that they were too old so they were killed. Later, Chan learns they were tortured until Big cooperated with his new "job" and they were killed right after.

- When Chan thinks Big can handle a short flight, he gets him to London, where they stay with Chan's grandmother. She is very sweet to Big and makes sure he is comfortable. She recognizes he has been abused since she dealt with an extremely abusive and controlling husband.

- Kinn, Porsche, Tankhun, Arm, and Pol fly out after. Tankhun is surprisingly sweet to Big and eventually confides that he sort of understands what he went through, since he was hurt similarly when he was kidnapped. While Chan was aware of this, he is surprised Tankhun is taking the initiative to talk about it with Big.

- They take several days to go sightseeing. Chan spent his childhood and teenage years split between Bangkok and London. While he ultimately moved to Bangkok and stayed there since it let him feel close to his mother, he still has good memories of London, despite his strained relationship with his father. So Chan shows them around and the group feels like it is on even footing despite the strange dynamics.

- Korn isn't thrilled about two of his sons taking off for some extended trip to the UK. At all. It's only at this point that he starts calling Chan again. But Chan is still not returning his calls, which Korn isn't happy about either.

- The group catches onto something developing between Chan and Big. When Tankhun approaches him about the fact they cuddle together and share a bed, Chan is reluctant to talk about it but says he isn't going to push Big into anything.

- When they do end up slowly progressing in their intimacy, Chan is hyper aware of what Big needs from him and is very set on making sure they communicate with each other.

- Whether they go back to Bangkok or not is still up in the air. The same goes for their employment. Part of me thinks they might try lower risk jobs after they take the time they desperately need to relax and heal.

Anyway, that's all I have on the idea so far and it is still way more than I can do in a one-shot 😂 @chanbig @randomia-in-wonderland @fawndlyvenus I know you guys like this pairing, so you will have to let me know what you think of it!

[cravingcoldoreocake123]

Eternal garden

TW: Reader’s call sign is Nova, mentions of death, gun violence, and really sad shit 😟 (ooc ghost, maybe?)

For all my broken heart girlies, ilysm.

(also this my first time writing something related to cod, pls lmk what you think if u can! Enjoy! <3)

It happened in a split second, right before his frightened eyes.

the piercing sound of a single bullet flying right by him missing him, but it was all too late as he aimed his own gun at the sniper on the roof, as it has already penetrated her delicate skin.

Nova was his reason to keep going, he adored her more than anyone, vowed to protect her life for eternity even if that meant he could lose his.

He rushed to hold her fragile frame in his arms as a single tear fell from her eye down to the mask covering her soft features. Her eyes, in Simon’s world at least, were clouds for even when they fill with sorrow and drown the land, they paint the sky with unimaginable beauty.

Nova always feared this day would come, he’d always hold her so tight as she cried and burrowed her face so deep into his chest she could smell his scent for hours after. She’d sob for so long and he’d never get annoyed or bored with her, he was simply satisfied with the fact he was there for her, sometimes they’d fuck it out, and sometimes they wouldn’t, it all depended on his ‘beauty’, as he called her.

“I would rather have my bones crushed one by one, than see a single tear drop from your beautiful eyes, for your body is repairable, but your heart isn’t, my life.” He would say.

He was frightened to hold her that she’s pure, heavenly and unreachable for his sinned hands.  “It hurts, Simon.” She cooed out softly, barely being able to speak.

And at that very moment, he felt his heart break into a million pieces as he could not take her pain away all to himself, he’d never be able to forgive himself for being so late and far enough form the bullet to not pierce his chest instead of hers.

“Johnny! Call for evac! Nova has been shot!”

Simon was a brave, strong man. He never cried for animals that died in movies or for children that passed from cancer. Hell, not even for his soldiers that fought beside him in war. But he felt his eyes water as blood started draining from her beautiful face.

 “Don’t you dare close your eyes now, love. That’s an order!”

She smiled weakly as she held her cold hand against his cheek.

“Still bossy even in death, I see.”

“Don’t. Don’t let that word out of your mouth again, you hear me? You are not dying.”

Johnny rushed to his side taking in the sight before him; Simon crouched down on his knees holding what once was so cheerful and full of life, become tainted with blood and face painted of yellow.

“I called for evac but we are far from reach, Ghost, said they’ll be here in an hour.”

Simon Riley then prayed. He closed his teary eyes and prayed so hard to a god he didn’t know if he believed in, to save his beloved.

“You can do it, darling, I know you can. You have been through worse, I believe in you strong girl.” He babbled on and on about how you were stronger than a bullet, but he didn’t know if he was comforting you or himself. “My sweet girl.”

Johnny always suspected there was something between the lieutenant and his sergeant, but he was still a bit surprised at Simon’s affection and emotions.

They were inseparable back at base, even in missions, Simon always made sure Nova was right by him. Sometimes Soap and Gaz would make fun of their lieutenant as he always was looked out for her, made sure there was enough food left for her, pulled back her chair when she went to sit and scared off soldiers that bothered her, but he’d always deny their allegations and tell them to “shut it”, but they all knew he was just frightened and believed he was undeserving of any form of love, let alone yours.

He was smitten ever since the day you arrived, and if he was blinded by the moment he laid his eyes on you, his soul would not grieve, for in that very instance, it truly gazed upon perfection.

To say that he was scared was an understatement. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of her hand or even dare to look away from her face, feeling as if she’d slip away if he did.

“Do you remember what we talked about before this mission? How we’d retire, get a cabin somewhere far in the woods, with a big dog? Hm?”

she stayed still for a minute before chuckling faintly. “And two cats.”

He laughed, genuinely laughed at her response, she was always cheerful and full of hope even in the worse of situations. “And two cats.” He repeated.

“You promised we’d name the dog Fluffy, and that he’d be a golden retriever. You never liked cats much though.”

“We can get as many cats and dogs as you want my love, just keep those pretty eyes open for me, yeah? Johnny is here for you too.”

Ghost reached for her other hand and put in on top of Soap’s.

Johnny tried his best to not break down in front of his dying friend. They were always the trouble makers back at the base. Clowns, as Captain Price labeled the pair. They would always pull the silliest pranks on their teammates, they once poured a whole tub of salt into Gaz’s coffee, and cut holes in a few shirts of ghost’s after they both finished watching Mean Girls together, but Johnny got a taste of his own medicine once when his partner in crime turned against him and put neon green hair dye in his conditioner, and let’s just say that that did not end well as he gained a new look and an eye infection.

“They’re almost here, Nova, you’re gonna be back on your feet in no time, and we’ll pull even more pranks back in base, we can even get captain Price this time! We can sew a unicorn horn in the middle of his hat, like we said we would. How does that sound?” He frantically said.

Silence.

Dreaded silence was all that was heard before both her hands dropped to the ground beside her limp body. She was unresponsive.

Johnny couldn’t hold his tears back anymore and let them fall freely on her stomach as he clung so tightly to the corpse of his best friend.

Simon was crushed, to say the very least. He kept his warm hands on her beautiful face, and even in death’s grip she looked stunning, her face beamed underneath the setting sun, and her chapped lips curled up into a soft smile, and if it wasn’t for the blood on her clothes, you’d think she was in deep sleep.

He couldn’t bring himself to let go of her, even after evacuation arrived at scene, including captain price, Gaz and König. They all had to pry him off of her so that they could put her body on the carrier, and to the helicopter. That was the first and last time they had ever seen Ghost break down, so miserable and helpless.

Simon never once forgot about Nova, or her cheerful smile that lit up every room brighter than the early rays of the morning sun, nor her ridiculous jokes she’d crack at the wrong times. She was his light, his dream, and if he had a flower for every thought he had of her after her death, he’d walk through a beautiful garden for eternity.

[doberbutts]

Do you or your friends see a difference in household or play behaviors in a dog after mondior or IGP kind of training? My breeder is concerned that once you flip the biting switch you can't really take it back, but obviously there's a whole lot of wonderful protection sport dogs out there who aren't biting random people. I figured I'd ask someone who has had dogs both bitework trained and not bitework trained for comparison. Personally I think it is a beautiful sport and the dogs seem to love it the way I love, say, stage combat or LARP.

Hope you and the beasties are having a good day

Well. No, in the way you're probably thinking. But also yes.

Truthfully I have only taken 2 dogs through any amount of protection sport and both I would still be considered very green in. Fenris is no where near trial ready, after all, partially because I'm deliberately taking it slow and partially because I am very poor and unwilling to throw a large amount of money at seminars or training that I feel may be subpar for what we need- I would rather pay these amounts for training that I can verify is the quality he deserves than chance it on someone fucking up what we've built thus far.

It is my belief that your breeder's concern is valid, and it is something that I warn people about myself especially when dealing with off breeds or with dogs of temperaments not well suited to the work. You are, regardless of what anyone tells you, teaching your dog that biting humans is a perfectly acceptable and even expected behavior depending on the circumstance and behavior pattern. Do understand that this means your dog will see similar contexts and at some point have to make a judgement call. Not every dog makes the right judgement call for the situation.

I'm thinking of a friend whose husband was dying of cancer, and he fell in their house, and as she rushed to help him the dog tried to attack her to protect his owner. This is an extreme case of "worst case scenario"- but ask yourself if that is a scenario you can handle with the levelheadedness she did in order to prevent anyone from being bit. This particular case was a matter of both genetics and training, however the dog in question was not an off breed and in fact was bred with protection in mind.

I'm thinking of a different friend who had border collies show up at club. One day the owner of the border collies was walking through an aisle at a pet store with their dogs, and a man in a puffy winter coat approached to ask them a question. One of the border collies latched onto the man's bicep exactly like how it was trained to, and the other performed a near perfect bark and hold. This person voiced regret of ever having opened that door, and now they have two dogs with recorded bite histories. It is my personal opinion that this is a case of two dogs with temperaments poorly suited to the work more than anything else, however that does not change the undesired outcome.

That being said, I can pet most of the dogs at club without any real concern, though I still keep my hands to myself unless the owners actively tell me to pet and play with their dogs. The few I can't also aren't off breeds, for what it's worth, but in fact are malinois which the sport was more or less designed around. I also don't think the training caused the inability for these specific dogs to socialize with trainers- I think that is a genetic temperament question, and all the training did was give them an outlet for their inherent aggression.

Fenris is a hideously social and friendly doberman. He is best friends with every human at the club and frequently licks the decoys right in the face as he wiggles and jumps on them before they agitate him. He just spent two hours hanging out at the car repair shop yesterday while I was getting my new tires put on. Anyone who stopped to pet him got wiggles and licks and puppy behavior. Anyone who didn't was ignored. While he is a mite too friendly to me, I have not seen any real change to this friendliness or his willingness to accept friendly and neutral strangers despite the decoys telling me that he is really becoming quite a monster in training.

He's also very suspicious, and fairly possessive. I have seen that increase, however at his age it's sort of difficult to determine if that was always going to increase or if the training had anything to do with that. Personally I think it is a mix of both- he was a suspicious and possessive little asshole from the start and now he is learning that there is a time and place for that to really come out of him, so he is more inclined to showing this behavior as he ages through his teenage phase and matures in his training.

For example: we started defense of handler last month, an exercise where the dog heels closely beside the owner and turns its body to watch the decoy waiting for an aggressive move towards the owner. Fenris now watches closely when we are approached by strangers at night while on walks, not acting but simply waiting to see what they might do. This behavior may have come out of him anyway, because even when he was a young puppy he would occasionally give the stink eye to anyone who rushed us (usually panhandlers asking for money in parking lots, but also the occasional person looking for trouble and an easy mark). He barked at a homeless guy who lunged at us on the sidewalk* when we walked past 6 months ago- well before defense of handler. He may have always been inclined to be wary of fast, jerky movements towards us.

That is what a doberman is for. They were never meant to accept suspicious or potentially aggressive strangers, and these sorts of situations are exactly what many dogs would consider suspicious and aggressive behavior. Homeless Guy I think was just high or having some mental episode and not actively dangerous to passersby, but lunging at someone from the shadows is a really stupid way to get bit (if they have a dog) or punched/shot/stabbed (if they don't but think they need to defend themselves). The panhandlers that literally run up to us from across the parking lot- same thing, if someone spots you at a distance and starts running towards you with intent, many times this is going to get read as aggressive behavior. Again, not actually harmful, they're just begging for money. However, how is my dog supposed to know that when the behavior says "I am going to hurt you" to a dog?

For example: we started object guard, where he stands over an object and stops the decoy from snatching it out from under him by biting. Coincidentally, he's also started low rumbling at the other dogs when they're near stuff he likes, and he lays directly on top of these objects and hides them under his legs/body. While I do think the training definitely intensified this behavior, he's always been a bit punky with his stuff and not been keen on sharing. I manage it so we don't have a dog fight, and I have a bunch of dogs that are allergic to conflict anyway so it's a pretty easy situation to work with. All four of my dobermans including the one that had never been in any bitework scenario ever have been somewhat guardy when it comes to high value resources (in fact the only one that never did any bitework also is the only one that started a dog fight over a guarded object (ME, I was the guarded object)), so it is also very possible that this would have developed in him regardless of training.

Funny enough, however, I will also say that Fenris specifically has become exponentially more velcro and cuddly immediately after every protection session. It does something magnificent to the bond between us, and his affection is through the roof when we get back to our bedroom after a long day on the club field.

Creed, my other dog who I took through this type of training, I felt was actually more confident afterwards. He had a lot of reactivity as a teenager and getting him to a club more often seemed to have a significant amount of positive impact on this behavior. I have seen other dogs experience the same. Probably something similar to how my nephew had a lot of PTSD and anxiety immediately after a horrific domestic abuse situation he and his mom had to flee from, and the thing that helped him resolve that was getting him started in martial arts classes. If nothing else, you learn to trust that you can handle it if a situation that makes you feel powerless comes for you a second time, I suppose. I'd be interested to know if that's connected to some behaviors I see from dudes who are obsessed with weapons and fighting, but that's another post in and of itself.

However I was fairly reluctant to move forward with this training with Phoebe, my soft scared girlie, because she had a panic response of "pick a direction and run very fast don't look back" and I was nervous that taking her to protection training would bleed into her panic attacks and instead of running she would hit the end of the leash, realize the flight was not an option, and start biting. And I was not particularly interested in chancing that, because regardless of how scared she was she would choose flight and freeze over fight every time and this made he very safe to be around. My first doberman was a very anxious rescue who was taught that biting is an option when running isn't working, and I ended up having to behaviorally euthanize him because his previous home fucked him up so bad. I want to be clear that this was a result of bad training and worse temperament, but knowing Phoebe's temperament I was unsure if I wanted to chance it with her.

I never did take her to club before her weird GI/liver thing that ultimately killed her, but she ended up loving tug and her confidence did soar once she learned the game. And it did bleed into other areas as well- she was much happier and more confident when out in public even though we only played tug in my living room. If her health hadn't crashed like that, I would have been taking her to mondio with Fenris the first week I had him to see if she liked it and if there was anything in here to play with.

So. A long winded answer to say that yes I have seen the training change behaviors off the field, but probably not in the way you're expecting to hear.

[ashkav]

Rainy, her baby, and the Laughing Samurai theory

So Shioli Kutsuna's character has been revealed! Rainy, a pregnant woman on the crew of the Magellan who has the ability to cause rain fall (Shioli said this during the Tokyo Games show, though I can't find the relevant clip.)

several very interesting things are said during this cutscene, and when combined with what else we know from the promo materials and also from DS1, I think they can be combined to form some ideas. And boy, do I have Ideas about Rainy.

First, the foundation, all (very few) info from previous media that I think is relevant to Rainy.

a) The Songs:

We have so far had three songs about babies/ children in the promo material. Lou's lullaby twice, both connected to Higgs, on the electric guitar and then again with Troy Baker singing it very ominously. And then the broken down rock-a-bye baby tune right at the very end of the state of play announcement trailer during the credits. Obviously, songs to do with children that are usually happy or peaceful now inverted from comforting to something scary and unsettling = Bad Things are going to happen to the kids.

But Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head is not a song that has been made sad or unsettling - yet.

I absolutely feel this song is going to be called back to at a climatic moment in the story, possibly at Rainy's own death, possibly as the last thing she says to her baby. The song itself seems like a bad omen to sing to a fetus, what with Rainy's name being what it is and the lyrics being about perseverence through hardship - difficult not to instinctually think Rainy and her baby are about to suffer some pretty awful trauma that ends with one or both of them 'falling' to the Beach.

Raindrops keep falling seems very likely to continue the same pattern of a comforting song for children introduced at a peaceful time only to warp into horrifying due to a climatic moment - the only reason it hasn't already been warped is because the audience has to hear it the first way first and it didn't exist in the last game to be set up the same way, unlike the other two.

b) 'I just can't wait.'

This is a pretty innoccuos statement for a pregnant woman to say irl, but within the game verse, Rainy is literally the second woman we've ever seen who has expressed an actual desire to have children.

Let's very quickly run through the list of female characters who have children in DS1:

Lucy, Sam's wife who killed herself because the visions she was getting from Sam's DOOMS afflicted baby were so horrible she couldn't continue living.

Lisa Strand, Sam's bio mother who became brain dead early on in her pregnancy due to a car accident and who we never hear from, even in supplementals, and is shot in the head by Sam's dad.

Bridget Strand, Sam's adoptive mother who revived him after accidentally killing him and kept him to raise out of guilt, traumatising Sam so badly throughout his life that he suppresses his memories of her and doesn't really want to speak to her even as she lays dying of cancer in front of him.

A whole host of unnamed still-mothers, impregnated after brain-death and farmed for the BBs they produce.

and finally, Lockne, who actually wanted a baby not because of the baby itself, but because she wanted some part of her lover to live on even after his death. Due to issues with her uterus, she is incapable of becoming pregnant, and even when her twin agrees to surrogate, the baby and Mama both die in a terrorist bombing at the hospital.

(for the purposes of this list I am not counting the mountaineering couple, since they don't matter except to create stakes for that one timed mission.)

There's a pretty clear trend here - almost no one wants children, and those that have them are in incredible danger of losing the child or themselves. This makes sense in a world where hospitals no longer exist and the very act of childbirth is incredibly dangerous and mostly everyone is pretty much asexual anyway, so it's a massive outlier that Rainy expresseses wanting the baby, even if it would be a normal thing to say in our world.

Maybe this is a stretch, but I can't help but feel there's some thematic parrellel here between Rainy, who wants her baby to be born very much, and still-mothers, who are made pregnant but never truly give birth and who cannot ever consent - not that they don't consent, but that they are incapable of consent in the first place. All their children, except three (Sam, Lou, and the BB Coffin managed to save), die in the womb. They're always bridges and never babies, never born, never really living or dead. They are nearly unanimously incompatible with the concept of life, or growth, just the same as their still-mothers are incompatible with the idea of wanting them.

More on this later.

C) The Samurai

The Samurai is visibly pregnant. There is only one pregnant character in the cast (so far). There HAS to be a connection here.

This is not the first time we've seen a visibly pregant character do crazy insane shit - Sam, for instance, is 'pregnant' with Lou's glass womb for the whole first game and probably the second too, and he does some intense stuff.

The circumstances with Rainy are different though. For one, her womb is made out of the squishy human stuff, not bulletproof glass, and she can't take it off. Rainy doesn't seem particularly athletic either: in her and Tomorrow's intro, where they're stacking boxes into a shelf, she moves slowly and with effort, not to mention that the Samurai is taller than even Higgs (Troy Baker is 6'3), where Rainy is shorter than Sam (Norman Reedus is 5'10, and Shioli Kutsuna is 5'3). Plus, the Samurai suit has no way to see out of it, so even if somehow it augmented her height, strength and speed, she still wouldn't be able to see what she was doing.

It is very, very unlikely that she is the one inside the mech suit. No, instead, I think it's her baby in there.

Sounds insane, but listen: we've already seen Higgs' robots have some connection to BT's, floating like they do and having visible strands leading up like they do and potentially being vessels for them. Dollman is explicitly stated to have been a normal adult human person who used his medium powers to possess the doll and got stuck there when his human body died. Even Lou seems to have the ability to haunt her old pod, with the ghostly winged BT form and tentacles. The technology and precedent for soul-to-machine connection exist, the Samurai makes baby noises, it looks pregnant. And thematically...

Remember that earlier section, where I was talking about Rainy wanting the baby vs still-mothers who cannot want and produce babies who cannot live? Also remember how parents with DOOMs very often pass the trait onto their children, and that an adult with DOOMs (Sam) and a BB with DOOMs (Lou) connected through the umbilical made some very strange things happen?

I think that Rainy's desire for a child interacting with both of their DOOMs will produce something very strange. I have two major theories about what could happen to get the baby in the machine:

The baby and mother cannot both be on the same plane at the same time. Rainy's baby suffers some strange accident while Rainy is giving birth (maybe she gives birth as the Magellan is travelling through the Beach?), and the connection between them becomes like a still-mother and BB, but only in some aspects. The connection between the living and dead is swapped constantly between mother and fetus instead of mother alone tethering to the world of the dead. Metaphorically, you could compare this to a Drawbridge, evolving out of the previous Bridge-style that BRIDGES created with the still-mothers. With Rainy and her baby, either side can be 'drawn up', and the burden is shared between them. The tragedy of this is that even though both Rainy and her baby survive, they can never truly meet or meaningfully interact, as one must always be on the Beach when the other is in the living world. Possibly this could be made more extreme, where instead of being seperated in mind only they are also unable to interact physically - one must physically be in the Beach if the other is in the land of the living. We know it's possible to live on the Beach because Tomorrow confirmed it, even if Sam described it 'like hell', so maybe they build the baby a suit that it's pod can slot into to help it survive the time it has to spend on the Beach - we know BBs are quite smart and have an abnormal amount of dexterity and also increased senses that allow them to see BTs, so it could be possible that the BB became skilled at piloting the suit because it was literallly fighting for it's life on the Beach. This would thematically mirror Bridget/Amelie, or at least the lie that Bridget/Amelie told the world - that Amelie was Bridget's daughter who couldn't be removed from the Beach.

The baby is psychic pre-birth. The baby is believed to have died inside Rainy because it stops moving and scans show that it's funtionally brain dead - plot twist being that the baby is alive, but has just accidentally astral projected into a machine. The Samurai is an upgraded version of Higgs' BT robots that either Higgs built or Drawbridge built after they'd studied some of his work, and the pregnancy bump is an unconcious change that the baby makes to the robot, like how Dollman can minorly alter his appearance when he's mad.

I think this would give Dollman an interesting double - adult in a small, powerless puppet vs baby in a big, deadly, hypermobile machine. Brain vs brawn, thought vs impulse. It even fulfills Jester vs Sage if we want to get Jung's archetypes in here, what with the Samurai laughing and Dollman being an expository friend you carry with you, like Mimir from God of War.

The second one is the one I feel is most likely - it ties in so neatly and honestly I'm not too sure that Rainy would survive her time swapped out on the Beach if whatever the baby samurai was fighting was strong enough to make it so skilled against Higgs, even if there does seem to be a community there to help her.

Whatever ends up being the case, Rainy absolutely definitely is not going to have a 'normal' baby. There is no such thing as a normal baby in Kojima land.

[allwormdiet]

Extermination 8.6

Typical American healthcare experience

Legitimately I'm unsure how Skitter is the only villain who loses their fucking mind in the field hospital. This is unbearably claustrophobic and torturous to just put someone through because they're on the away team instead of the home team

So, she's wrong, obviously. But her own tendencies towards distrusting others, especially authority, is only part of the equation. The other part of the equation is that the Protectorate (Armsmaster) wasn't being good to her even before she started "infiltrating" the Undersiders, and we've seen the system allow for some remarkable acts of cruelty along the way; Canary was gagged and put in confoam and chains in a public space, in a court of fucking law, because she could theoretically have super strength.

The system isn't half as bad as Taylor is afraid of, but she's also lived a whole span of her life suffering because of the system's failures

I think this is legitimately, non-power triggering for Taylor, which makes everything that's about to happen that much worse.

S'fucked up. Not a whole lot to say beyond that.

Tattletale wasn't wrong to observe that Taylor isolates herself reflexively, but she reaches out to others pretty regularly, and this isn't even the worst consequence she's had for that. This is a moment of immense vulnerability that she's bearing on purpose to this girl and there's an immense horror at the thought of being ignored.

An answer, finally, and it still hurts

She doesn't even know if she can trust a gesture of kindness like this

I don't even know if she can trust a gesture of kindness like this. Not to doubt the nurse-in-training but more doubting the PRT being cool about it, especially with the reveal coming up they could use to justify it

She's trying, I don't know if it worked but she's trying.

I mean hey, it's something to fucking do, right

Also hey Panacea, looking forward to your totally benign contributions to the course of this arc

Oh Amy, you charmer you

Oh wow what an extremely cool and normal thing to believe about how ethics and humanity work, I'm sure this is based in absolutely real things and not at all being raised by a family of supercops, and also that there are absolutely no repercussions for how this way of thinking might fuck people up who are struggling with negative thoughts or impulses, huh Panacea

Also what an interesting way to mirror Alan Barnes, noted piece of shit, very cool and normal

I know where Taylor is coming from with all of this, but nobody in the story does, and also it's extremely fucking funny that this is a self-avowed supervillain saying these things

Neat detail tbh

The brain thing I get, longstanding stance on even approaching brains, but damn, not even the nerve damage?

Also yeah Taylor, you're a fucking maniac, I don't know how or where you got the drive to operate like that but you're crazy lucky Rachel was there to keep it from killing you

So the nerve thing I get, right, but uhh

This is where Panacea starts to read as pretty sadistic

She's got someone under the mercy of her healing, someone who she's got a grudge against for a multitude of reasons, and unlike the cancer patients and dying children she's allowed to express her resentment towards Skitter, at which point she immediately does so

Also I'm not sure if the line about her "slipping up" with the pain is actually true or if she's punishing Skitter for talking too much

This is pretty dark, actually. If we keep this limited entirely to the bank interaction, Panacea has Skitter under her mercy the same way Skitter had Panacea at knifepoint barely a month ago, but Panacea is doing very little to hide the fact that she's taunting now that she's the one in control.

I'm reminded a bit of those conversations about nurses who were abusing or harassing patients because this was someone vulnerable that they had control over, with little to no recourse even when it's done. Having a career, having a power, where someone's life and comfort and safety is in your hands, and squeezing your grip just enough to make it uncomfortable

As if I didn't have enough reasons to dread Amy's arc in this story

That most heroic of principles, "eye for an eye." There has never been an instance where a self-described good person has used reciprocity as a justification to harm or harass someone they've decided is a bad person in a way that, hey, actually isn't so justified.

So this next part is Amy's fault? Like yeah, Taylor did it, but she did it because she's fucking terrified, and she's fucking terrified because Amy deliberately stoked her fears, gloating about how fucked she was even though she doesn't actually know what's coming, because Amy is a good person and Taylor is a bad person

Dun dun dun

...Yeah no I knew this one already, hard to not be spoiled on this one

Anyway, Taylor done fucked up and now the consequences are coming down fast

Current Thoughts

Amy I'm trying really hard to be sympathetic to you but if you're gonna keep tormenting people under your care because you don't like them and can get away with it there's only so far I can go

This next chapter is gonna be fucking rough

[azure-firecracker]

The X-Files Season 4 Review (First-Time Watcher)

It has been a minute but we are back!

(Full disclosure - I am actually a little ways into Season 5 as I write this. College has given me more time with energy for watching than energy for writing. Such is life!)

Life seemed to stand between me and this season. I finished the first half in about a week and a half, and then the second half in three times that because…college happened. But we got there! And oh boy did we get a lot.

This season was hyped up to me even before I watched it (it won my favorite seasons poll a while back) and it DID NOT disappoint! I think this season managed to merge the melancholic energy of season 2 with the consistency of season 3. The first half was especially consistent (out of the first 10 episodes, there wasn’t a single one I didn’t like), and while the second half was a bit more uneven in terms of quality, when it hit it hit hard!

I thiiink Season 2 still takes my favorite spot among the seasons, but this is a close second. It’s just so good, and the second half especially has this looming sense of heartbreak that I haven’t seen in the other seasons. If Season 1 is a campy monster flick, Season 2 is an alien soap opera, and Season 3 is an action movie, then Season 4 is a Shakespearean tragedy of epic proportions, wrought with miscommunication, near-misses, and hurtling towards an unavoidable, doomed ending that lurks in the background even of the most mundane moments. I’m a sucker for a good tragedy, so I loved every moment we got. I was also happy that Scully got to have a real emotional arc. Especially in Season 1 and 2, those usually belonged to Mulder, but the cancer arc is first and foremost about her, and the show takes a lot of care to keep her at the center of that story - which I appreciate.

I found the MSR dynamic this season to be fascinating. It’s like they’re in this territory - even before the cancer arc but especially during it - where they’re realizing how much they mean to each other but also how much it could damage them both. They’re closer than ever and yet more at odds than ever. They’ll cling desperately to each other in the face of death but run away from each other in the daylight because they’re afraid of what it means. It’s tragic and less fun than what we’ve seen from them before, but it’s also fascinating.

As always, I do have a few gripes. My biggest is that, while the cancer arc is beautiful and heart-wrenching, I wish they’d explored it a little more. Only Memento Mori, Elegy, and Gethsemane center around it (and Never Again, if you go off of airing order instead of intended order). Maybe Zero Sum too, but that’s about Skinner and kind of its own thing. And I just felt like there was some wasted potential there. Scully was literally DYING and losing control of her life and Mulder was powerless to stop it. There’s so much plot and character potential there that really wasn’t touched on, and it felt like they really only scratched the surface. Of course, part of the fun of this show is that they leave a lot for us fans to do ourselves, but it feels a bit like a wasted opportunity on the show’s part (friends: please be kind and point me to the fanfic now!)

Also, while I love the cancer arc for emotional value, I do have some qualms about yet another major arc about Scully having her bodily autonomy taken away. Why must all of the female protagonist’s arcs have to do with this? (I wrote about it in Season 2 here).

But frustrations aside, I think this is objectively the second-strongest season after Season 3, and subjectively my second-favorite after Season 2. Its overall arc is maybe the most compelling of the show, and the individual episodes (for the most part) are all fantastic.

Speaking of which, let’s get into the individual episodes! Quick disclaimer- because this season took me so long to watch, it’s been quite a while since I watched the earliest episodes. Just something to keep in mind:)

Herrenvolk: Unfortunately, I feel that this was the show’s weakest season opener so far. It’s not bad by any means, but it falls victim to the same gripe I have with many mytharc episodes, which is that it prioritizes plot over character work, and that rarely works for me. On top of that, the plot here was kind of hard to follow, especially Mulder’s half (Scully’s half was easier because she was literally explaining everything like the scientist she is I love her so much). Also they were separated which is never fun. At this point, I sort of feel like the show is just adding more and more elements of the conspiracy without explaining what we already have, and it’s getting to be a lot. I did adore the hospital scenes between Mulder and Scully, though - it’s a vulnerability and openness we rarely get from both of them (and I think it scares the shit out of them both - hence why their dynamic for the next 3 episodes is kind of weird). Anyway I’ll give this one a 7/10

Home: I know opinions on this are mixed, but I really liked it. It was genuinely SO creepy, especially the scene where the Peacocks are beating up the sheriff and their car music plays in the background. I agree with @graciehart who says that Mulder and Scully’s dynamic in here was odd, but I kind of get it. Scully represses a lot of her emotions, and it would make sense that she might not think or talk about motherhood until she sees a distorted version of it, and she can examine it from a more scientific angle. For Mulder’s part, @theswisscheeserag said that this episode was sort of an exploration into Mulder’s privilege, and how he’s a little bit immune to the darkness that lurks behind the small-town American ideal (in part because that ideal is something he never had). All of that is interesting. I also liked Scully really taking the lead on the case, especially when they thought there was an innocent woman in danger. This show has a trend of victimizing women, so it was really nice to see Scully, who’s been a victim of this trend herself, fight against that. Overall I’ll give this a 9/10

Teliko: I am never safe from the ethnic flute, am I?

Plot-wise, this episode was boring. The pacing was slow, Mulder and Scully were fantastic when together, but that wasn’t a lot, and really not much happened the whole time.

But that wasn’t the real problem - the problem is that this is a “cultural episode.” And a bad one. They sort of half-engaged with all of the racial issues, and they said some super out-of pocket stuff that they then didn’t elaborate on, and it almost seemed like they got what they were talking about for a second but then they didn’t and the whole thing was weird but definitely problematic.

When I tell you I have never hated a score more - TRIBAL CHANTING AND DRUMS SHOULD NOT BE USED TO SHOW HOW OMINOUS YOUR VILLAIN IS! DO YOUR PROPER FOLK MUSIC RESEARCH!!

Alas I would love to 100% hate this episode, but I love the climax SO much. This is the first genuine kidnapping loss-of-bodily autonomy role rehearsal that I’ve been begging for since Season 2, and this is my favorite trope, so I devoured it. It’s also SO sweet. I wrote a meta about it. It’s here.

Anyway my love for the climax will bring this episode up to a 6/10 but without the climax it’s like a 3 lol.

Unruhe: Okay. Kind of like Our Town, I have to separate my feelings about this episode from its actual quality. Because in quality alone, this episode is fantastic. The villain is interesting, the tension is palpable, the climax is gut-wrenching, and Mulder and Scully’s dynamic has this fascinating push/pull that’s reminiscent of early seasons but starkly more intense. The way they yell for each other when he’s saving her from the van (trailer? Large vehicle) is haunting, especially for her part, because Scully never screams like that. And the outro of this episode - Scully talking about finally being forced to understand evil and how it can be inside her and come for her while a single tear slides down her face - is my favorite of the whole show.

But it seems I am not recovered from Season 2, and the second I saw violence against women I knew exactly where this was going. I spent the whole episode waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it did I was more annoyed than anything else. There is one hilarious frame right after Scully wakes up in the trailer where Gillian stares into the camera and looks annoyed af as if to say am I seriously filming this kind of scene again? and I was like same, girl, same. But with the understanding that most of this comes from me and not the episode itself, I’ll still give it a 10/10

The Field Where I Died: I have mixed feelings. I like the idea of past lives here, and the idea that Mulder and Scully were always friends, I love. I know it bothers some people that they weren’t together romantically, but I don’t think they need to have been romantic in past lives in order to be romantic now. I actually really love the idea of the same souls reconnecting in different lives but always in different ways (I’m thinking of the musical Ghost Quartet if anyone here knows it). I also love the concept of Scully always dying before Mulder in past lives - it adds another layer to the tragedy.

But also this episode feels like it’s missing something, and introducing a one-off character to be in the reincarnation cycle was kind of weird, and even though I think the concepts are cool, I just can’t quite love it. I’ll give it a 7.5/10

Sanguinarium: Finally a short episode review! This one was spooky and fun! Nothing in particular to love or hate about it, just a really creepy good time. A good episode for spooky season. 7.5/10

Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man: Naturally, I missed Mulder and Scully during this, but I thought it was really interesting! I’d much rather take a tour of CSM’s past than see another meeting with the high school board of trustees shady government organization of white men that I don’t care about. I also love that he’s an aspiring author and that he sucks at it - he’s kind of a bad bad guy too if you think about it. My favorite thing about this is that it wasn’t a tragic backstory and that he wasn’t redeemed! A tragic villain who redeems himself is great, but it’s also great to let your villains just suck. 8/10

Tunguska/Terma: Okay Mulder/Krycek shippers, I may not live on your planet, but I now see the roots from which you sprung. Their dynamic in these was actually wild.

This was overall an excellent two-parter! It focused more on character tension than alien plot, which I feel is always better. I liked the juxtaposition of very different high-stakes scenarios for Mulder and Scully - the Russian gulag and Scully being held in contempt of Congress, and kind of the implications that all corrupt governments are the same with that parallel - all good stuff! Although, for being hyped up as inescapable, Mulder sure got out of that prison camp real fast. Also…Mulder being injected with the black stuff is a HELL of a plot point to never touch again, but it is in character for the show. But TELL ME why there are no post-ep fics for this! There’s so much angst potential! Anyway 9.5/10

Paper Hearts: *cries*

See this is what Oubliette could have been if it had properly utilized Mulder and Scully’s dynamic, because Mulder’s search for Samantha is him making all the wrong choices, knowing they’re wrong but always digging in the dirt anyway, and Scully seeing the inevitability of Mulder’s downfall but standing there and letting him hold onto her after he breaks, coming back again and again because he always needs her and she’ll always follow him.

I do think the climax was a bit underwhelming given the emotional weight of the episode. I think Mulder maybe figured the killer (forget his name) out too early. But the post-climax scene is, of course, phenomenal, as is this episode overall. Point me to the fics for this one too! 10/10

El Mundo Gira: And this time the ethnic flute is accompanied by a vaguely Spanish guitar! And a boring plot! And some actors who are supposed to be native Spanish speakers who are very obviously not! 2/10

Never Again: Yes, I did watch this before Leonard Betts, and I’m glad I did, because I think it’s more interesting to look at Scully’s actions through a lens of her reaching breaking point than as a trauma response. I know this is controversial- the wonderful @mulders-too-large-shirt and @thursdayinspace aren’t the biggest fans, but I’m going to have to disagree and say I adored this one. Scully episodes are always treats for me, and this one was no exception. I know that people don’t like the implication that she sees Mulder as a disapproving authority figure, but I saw that as more of a manifestation of her fears than anything else. Scully will always crave the approval of those she loves, no matter how much they show her that she doesn’t have to earn it, she will try, and especially with Mulder, who can be a bit oblivious, the extent to which he values her can go unnoticed, and she’s left feeling like she’s bending over backwards for nothing. She doesn’t feel this way all the time, but here that feeling reaches a peak for her, and she gets these desires to break the mold and do something else and just try everything she never tried before. And as someone who also has a good girl identity, this really resonated with me.

The ending is also killer. Mulder wanting to say it’s become mine but he can’t finish the sentence…especially knowing what’s coming for them…GOD. This is in fact a 10/10 for me.

Leonard Betts: I mean, this is really just cancer arc setup. All of that, and the last few scenes with Scully, are fantastic. Individually, this is pretty good! Nothing to really complain about. 8/10

Memento Mori: *cries* I seem to be doing that a lot this season.

What a fantastic introduction to the cancer arc. I adore that this episode starts with Scully’s narration, to really emphasize how this is her story, and she will be taking center stage. I love how this episode showed Scully and Mulder’s reaction to her disease, and really dove into their psyches in a way they really wouldn’t again. It’s Scully’s desire to maintain her strength, to keep going, to just accept it and keep working as she does so many things. It’s the way the fear of death hangs over her, and she accepts it with open arms because it would almost be more vulnerable to fight it, but Mulder fights it because there’s nothing he fears more than losing her, and yet when she calls him he’s there in an instant, because he’ll give up every answer to be with her. It’s One Breath all over again.

And of course, the hallway scene. Gillian Anderson the actor you are. They both look at each other with so much care and grief and tragedy and love, and it’s fantastic. Though this is not the show’s first forehead kiss (there was a blink and you’ll miss it one in Irresistible) it was the first noticeable one, and it’s so tender but also heartbreaking. I was sobbing in my dorm room. 10/10

Kaddish: I did enjoy the parallel to Mulder not wanting to let go of Scully. And I loved the score, which actually drew on elements from Yiddish folk music (Yiddish is a very prominent folk music for Eastern European Jews). Makes me wonder why they couldn’t do that for the non-white “cultural episodes.”

They seemed to be a bit more clear on the messaging regarding antisemitism than they are when they’re dealing with non-white cultures, but it still felt a bit muddled to me, what with the villain being one of the Jewish people (sort of). I’ll give this a 7/10

Unrequited: What’s that? There was an episode? I must have fallen asleep. 3/10

Tempus Fugit/Max: My lovely friend @california-112 loves these - alas I must disagree. These fall victim to the “too much plot, not enough character stuff” thing that I don’t like. I want to emphasize that this is a subjective taste thing for me, but it does impact my viewing experience nonetheless. I was just annoyed that there was a big mytharc two-parter and Scully was LITERALLY DYING OF CANCER and it wasn’t about that. It felt like that whole plot was just sitting there, wanting to be used, and it wasn’t. And while the plot with Max was nice, it seemed like an awful lot of significance to give a one-off character. If he had been recurring, I might have liked this more.

But I did, of course, love the birthday bookend scenes. He finally celebrates her birthday because he thinks he may never get to again😭😭😭 And her explanation at the end. I love them❤️ Overall these two are a 7.5/10

Synchrony: I actually really liked this one! Maybe it’s because I’m a physics girlie but I liked the time travel elements of the whole thing, and I thought the continually unraveling mystery was really cool. I guessed some of the plot twists for sure, but not all of them! Also Mulder literally quoted Scully’s thesis at her, which was especially fun because, as a physics student, I now know what the Twin Paradox is. Anyway this was an 8/10 for me.

Small Potatoes: I need David Duchovny to star in a comedy immediately. This episode gave us some much needed levity in a pretty gloomy season. All of the jokes landed for me, and I love how pathetic of a villain Eddie is…and that’s exactly why he’s dangerous. I also love every second of body-swapped Mulder and the way the show takes the opportunity to make fun of itself. “Where do I sleep?” might be my favorite joke in the whole show.

I also like that this episode has layers, and kind of gets sadder the more you think about it. Read what I wrote on that here.

All that being said, I do agree with @california-112 that this episode falls into the trap of belittling women who were victims of SA, and I do think that that’s generally icky and a problem. With that in mind, I’ll give this episode a 10/10 for my personal enjoyment but an objective 8/10.

Zero Sum: Another Skinner episode! I do feel like Avatar gave us more insight into his character than this, but I still thought this was intriguing. I thought the push-pull between Mulder and Skinner was entertaining, and the thought that Skinner was willing to go to such lengths while Scully was sick is an interesting one - but most of this episode escaped my memory and I did watch it fairly recently, which I think is telling. So 6/10

Elegy: *cries* Scullyyyyyy

First of all, the ghost makeup in here? Terrifying. It got me. And I’m not easily spooked by this show.

But I loved Scully’s reaction to this. Her in therapy, only admitting how much she needs Mulder when she knows he can’t hear it, because she’s still fighting those same battles with her emotional walls and her self-image. Her refusal to believe in what was happening to her because of science, but also because she doesn’t want to admit that she’s dying and that things aren’t normal and they can’t be normal and they can’t go on. I also don’t know if this is the episode where she finds out her cancer has metastasized (what we learn in Gethsemane), but her final argument with Mulder hits so much harder if you think it is. I know what you’re afraid of, because I’m afraid of the same thing…and what that really is is being apart. And the final shots of her in the car…this season has so much Scully crying and I hate it but I love it. 9.5/10

Demons: Dare I say…tied with Irresistible for new favorite episode? I’ve already made a meta about this, so you know I adored it. Plus it takes place in my hometown which is awesome!

All jokes aside, this episode was so sad but so wonderful. Mulder feeling like his life is spinning away from him and he can’t save anyone, taking desperate measures to find answers, and just being fully swallowed by his self-hatred, willing to go further than he ever has because there’s no hope left.

And Scully, who is his beacon of hope, following him and believing in him when no one else does. She stays until the case is solved and she puts every single piece together herself because she has to. She follows him into the house and stares down the barrel of his gun because she will never fear him, no matter how far he goes, and he will run endlessly into the darkness chasing the truth, and she will run just as far to pull him back.

God. He’s so broken and she’s so devoted to him and this episode showed both things in spades. It was beautiful (and, on a more self-indulgent note, played into all of my favorite tropes. It felt like an upgraded version of one of my fanfics). Obvious 10/10

Gethsemane: Like Talitha Cumi, this is more of a precursor to Redux than a finale in itself, but it’s still a really good episode. High stakes all around! This really digs deep into the question of is it aliens or the government or both, and that’s an ambiguity I’ve always loved, so it was nice to see it back. Scully saying her cancer had metastasized absolutely killed me, but what really got me was the ending. Holy shit! 9.5/10

I think this may be my longest review so far, which is fitting for Season 4! Please feel free to tell me your thoughts on these episodes or the season as a whole, or to send me asks about TXF or anything at all! There’s truly nothing I love more than fangirling with all of you! I’ve had such a stressful few weeks with college, and you’ve all been so kind to me, sending me asks and commenting on my writing and chatting with me, and it’s just meant the world to me, so thank you❤️

On another note, my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I’d love to make something special for it, so if any of y’all have ideas, please let me know:)

Until next time!

[captainimfangirling]

The Boys Season 4 Episode 4

Major Spoilers

Homelander

I love how they're basically making the cartoon (The Boys Presents: Diabolical) canon showing how Homelander was tortured as a child. Many just assumed because of that deleted scene of Homelander killing his tutor that he was the evil one in charge of the scientists but there's so much more to it. Homelander not killing Barbara proved my theory that he doesn't kill people who are scared of him like Butcher, and Vogelbaum. I f*cking knew Vought brainwashed Homelander as a child. That's basically what they did when they brought in the psychologist in order to mold him into someone who needs love and approval.

Did anyone noticed Homelander's expression when Barbara said he basically killed his surrogate mother when he was born? I'm kind of surprised he didn't want to know more about her since he always wanted a mother but then again he's trying to cut out that side of him. What female DNA did they use to create Homelander? It couldn't just be Solider Boy. What if Barbara is his biological mother? What if he donated her egg for science? Maybe Homelander knows and that's why he doesn't want to kill her?

Decided to watch the scene last year when Ryan was trying to save Homelander from Solider Boy. That's probably the first and only time someone begged for his life and tried to help him. That's why he's very attached to Ryan. It's not that he wants the best father for Ryan, it's that he wants to be good enough for Ryan to feel loved. By the way I like how they gave Ryan's birth story to Homelander because it was supposed to be Ryan who killed Becca when he was born.

I noticed the parallel between Hughie and Homelander. Hughie decided to forgive and Homelander decided to get revenge in the most violent way.

Hughie

I understand why he wants to save his dad but I don't think it's gonna go well because of that one episode in the cartoon where an old man tries to save his wife dying of cancer. I'm not sure about the mother. Deep down I thought there was something off about her but I didn't talk about it because I felt bad for judging her when she tried to unalive herself. Maybe she feels guilty for leaving her husband but I'm not even sure if that's true because if felt guilty about it why was so quick to pull the plug on her husband?! I feel like she has a motive and only let her husband slowly die was so Hughie can hurry up and get some V. Another theory (I hate saying it) what if she lied to Hughie about why she left? What if she wanted to give Hughie Compound V and his dad didn't want it? What if she's a supe and wants to whole family to be supes?

Starlight

Girl can't win! I was so happy when she kicked Firecrackers ass but yeah her past is gonna haunt her. I'll be honest I'm just not into Starlight like I used to be. I preferred her when she was in The Seven and being Starlight. Political Annie is ok but there's already Victoria. Also I think everyone that's happening is changing her. It was suggested last season when she killed that innocent guy and she said she felt nothing.

Mother's Milk

Not sure how I feel. He hasn't felt the same since the actor "lost weight." I mean I'm glad he's healthy but my gut feeling tells me there's something else going on. He feels like a different person. Is it just the weight loss or is something else going on? Because I feel like his expressions are very different.

Butcher

I still love Butcher. Poor guy just wants to keep his promise to Becca. I wonder if he actually exploded that guy or if it was someone else trying to save him like Ryan? I don't know but it's interesting. I hope there's a cure for him because I don't want him to die even though it makes sense for him to die when Homelander dies because they're both have many parallels. I mean in this episode both were bloody except Butcher didn't know what he was doing and Homelander knew what he was doing.

Frenchie & Kimiko

Love Frenchie but deserved it. I hope Kimiko helps him like he helped her and actually get together or at least heal together. I loved Kimiko's interaction with Hughie. To be honest I'm losing interest in her fight with Shinning Light only because I feel like it's her own thing and not a group thing. I think it would be more interesting if they all work together as a team to take them down instead of doing their own thing. They haven't been a team in so long. I hope they will later on it the season.

Sister Sage, The Deep, & Black Noir

Ok I loved how she has to give herself an lobotomy in order to have sexual human desires and dumb herself down. I honestly feel like she's doing the same thing to Black Noir but I love that man and I hope she stays away from him but that's not gonna happen. I still think Black Noir is gonna become crazy obsessed with turning into Black Noir that he thinks he's Earving or the original Black Noir doing everything Black Noir did without knowing Earving was a sensitive scared man.

A-Train

I'm all for his redemption but I really hope they don't kill him off because I feel like they're doing the redemption thing right when it comes to A-Train. There's no need to kill him off in order for him to be redeemed. I HATE it when they kill off characters in order to redeem them. It's lazy writing.

[neverexpiringvirginoil]

HAPPY (Post)-INTERNATIONAL LESBIAN DAY to you my friend!!! 

My name is B. A closeted lesbian who's looking to come out to her family this month. In my almost two years of existence on this blog, I've read different “coming out stories” which has been a whole motivation to me- I hereby set a day in mind, to come out to my family. However things took a turn as my mom who i thought would be free of her ovarian cancer by said date developed a kidney problem just after ovarian cancer- she means the whole world to me and her acceptance is what I yearn for with my coming out. She has always said we should allow her die and has been unmotivated about life until her birthday few weeks ago (sept 11) where a whole lot of people on this app sent their good wishes, drawings, and words of encouragement to her. We turned everything sent into a blanket for her and she's been wrapping herself with the love she received- she wants to live again and fight for the sake of strangers who believed in her(so she said). The medical personnel admits it is the best time to have her surgery (Ureteral Stent Placement surgery) because she has the right mood and mindset. Unfortunately for us, we are 500$ away from getting her surgery, it’s almost a month after her birthday and her fighting spirit is dying- I also can't come out to a dying mother- I need her to be fine before my coming out date(20th Oct). We've created a crowdfunding link for her but we've only raised 225$ of 500$. On this OUR special day, Would you please help not only my mom but my coming out plan by donating whatever you can spare for my mom's surgery? No matter how small, This would go a longer way than you think- please click the link below to support I and my family:

buymeacoffee.com/Plantlover

You can also find more information about her Ovaria cancer/ infected kidney on my pinned post.  Thank you for sticking with us through thick and thin. 

Hello!

I am kind of struggling with money lately… I am so very sorry, but I hope I can donate at least something to you before the 20th of October!!! I’ll try my best!!!

And I so hope someone will see this and donate, or at least reblog! I wish the best to your mother and to you as well. I wish she fine the strength to keep fighting, that you get some money and that you both can be happy ❤️

@deliciousmentalityballoon276

@lgbtqnationofficial @queerism1969 @tyyjaimiee

[purplehalnw]

So I've finished the 13th Doctor's seasons and I was really worried starting out because I've heard a lot of people say the writing is shitty. But now that I'm done... I don't really have anything to be angry at tbh. Like I'm not an expert reviewer so I don't know, it probably is more egregiously bad than I think it is but it just feels like... Nothing. Only like a couple of the episodes have left big impressions on me. A lot of them are just freaking boring and it really comes down to the fact that the characters are so freaking dull.

I saw one person say "they just split one personality four ways with Graham getting most of it" which I think perfectly describes my feelings towards them. Ryan and Yaz have virtually nothing to their characters except for some factors that are barely addressed like Ryan's dyspraxia and issues with his father and Yaz's crush on the Doctor. Like hell even freaking Dan feels like more of a character than them somehow.

And the Doctor herself... Obviously I'm not blaming Jodie Whittaker, she did really well with what she was given, but to me at least she just feels like a toned down version of the 11th Doctor. And like I'm just really disappointed because I was kinda excited to see her Doctor because I had heard that the writers intentionally wrote her as autistic which I thought would be interesting since all the other Doctors were just accidentally written that way. And I can see the seeds of some interesting plotlines. Like they use the Timeless Child plotline as a sort of explanation for why she was and always felt so different from other people of her species and essentially why she acts so autistic. They could've used this as an opportunity to really analyze her behavior and you know create some allegories for neurodivergence or just have her companions explicitly acknowledge how the way she acts aligns with autism. But no they don't do that and obviously a big part of all this writing is the fact that they have a shorter amount of episodes but they don't know how to properly use that time. They mention how the Doctor is socially awkward and doesn't really know who she is anymore but they don't properly delve into her psyche like in previous iterations. And this is because again they have three companions so they have to give all of them something to do but again because there are three of them neither of them can get a great deal of focus either and just ugh.

Like the Doctor should've just had Graham, and maybe his wife Grace who I'm still kinda disappointed they killed off in the first freaking episode, as a companion. Because pretty much all of the Doctor's companions have been women in their early twenties and I think it would've been interesting to switch things up like this. Also again with Grace I feel like it would've been more impactful if we had gotten a full season or even half a season with her before she died. Oh and I would've liked for Graham's cancer to play more of a role with it maybe coming back and him going on constant adventures with the Doctor and trying to do as much as he can before he dies. It would've been really interesting to see a companion die of something completely normal yet unavoidable after having survived all of these dangerous adventures. It would've been really sad to see the Doctor just trying to keep it all together and make Graham happy when she can't do anything about him slowly dying in front of her.

Overall the 13th Doctor's seasons were just full of missed opportunities and it's incredibly saddening.

[mihstar]

This constant noise all the time (or 'Ellie dies instead of Joel' oneshot)

Hey! First of all I just wanted to say that I'm not a writer and didn't even intend to post when I wrote this. But yesterday, someone here was talking about the possibility of Ellie dying in Joel's place, and and I said something about this little draft of mine, and two people said to me that they would read it and it would be cool if I post... And now I'm babbling, sorry. Anyway, I hope you like it. @ranna-alga thanks for the boost of courage <3 And English it's not my first language so sorry for any mistakes.

Summary: Winter arrives for the residents of Jackson, bringing a snowstorm, foreigners survivors, and darkness.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°°••°•°•°•°

Since a little after Ellie was gone, Joel felt heavier.

He would wake up in the morning, surrounded by the walls of his room. Or sometimes in her place, something he's been doing a lot lately. He can tell Tommy worries every time he sees him walking some nights to there instead to his own house, his little brother thinks it wouldn't bring no good. Maybe it wouldn't. But he does anyway - let the warm scent of the sheets make it's way into his nostrils 'til his body feels numb. - He would eat something. Lukewarm coffe with some old toast or bittersweet fruit. Or sometimes nothing. Some days, he would get up and go through the day. Dutties. Patrols. Plans. And some other days... Some of them he wouldn't even leave his porch. Or the inside of his house. Would be still all day, waiting for it to pass so he could close his eyes again. Sometimes, he has dreams with her. Things they did together and things he wish they did. Those are his favourite.

Another times, he would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and calling for her name in the dark. Crying and sobbing. Skull cracking noises ringing vividly in his ears. Choked throat and heart overflowing with bitterness.

It was strange, kind of.

When Sarah died, Joel closed and locked up himself like a door, becoming a heartless man that would rather spend his time killing his way to Boston and fighting with his brother than to remember any fragment of his dead daughter. But now at the dead of his second one, Joel found himself revisiting all of his memories, fragments, anything that would feel like his Ellie again. Maybe because then, Joel couldn't alow himself to be vulnerable about Sarah like that while trying to survive the first years of the outbreak. Not that he wanted to survive by that time, though. He was trying for Tommy. Now, Joel feels like he isn't quite the same. Part of it is Ellie's fault- That kid changed him in so many ways. That blinding rage that used to take control of his body doesn't make him impulsive like it used to do. Salt Lake is still his last big sin in his history. Instead of, he was letting this, his girl's ghost haunt him 'till the rest of his days.

He's not sure if remembering her stops him from putting a bullet into his brain or just kills him slowly like a cancer. Maybe both. But he can't fucking help it.

He can't help but try to remember every single freckle of her face, the way her little bony fingers would strum the guitar he gave her. He tried to remind himself of every single joke or random facts about space she read somewhere. The sound of her laugh was his prayer that he would imagine in his head everynight. Keep with him like a treasure and make sure he would never forget that sound. He couldn't forget, she deserves to be remembered.

Joel also usually thinks about the day before Ellie was gone too. He wasn't hoping to see her at the Community hall that night when Tommy invited him. He saw her almost everyday, but after their fight, there were times he would look at her and feel like he haven't seen her in ages. Like he lost too damn much. By the years, ellie got taller and her features matured with her age. She lost some of her baby fat and she was beginning to look more like the adult folks in town - even when all Joel could see when looking at her was the little girl following his steps on the road, years ago. His heart aches to think he would never see her turn into the beautiful woman she sure would have been.

Remembering about their last day in Jackson was the memory that most hurts to think about. Because of the fact that, in that day, none of them knew what would happen in the next one. She was dancing with that kid Dina by the sound of a song about God, not having an ideia that it would be her last dance, her last night, her last kiss. If she knew about that, or at least had a bad omen, would she have done diferently and opened up her feelings to that girl before It was too late? Before she would end up being burried in dirt at Jackson's cemetery?

And Snow, he recalls thinking it when they buried her. When he buried her. Small and heavy weight wrapped in a white sheet. Too limp and quiet in his arms when he found it too hard to let go-

When winter arrived for the first time after they settled in town, Ellie would always be a little more cautious about this particular season of the year. Not that she used to say to him, because she didn't. Even If he asked to. He doesn't know if It's because that would be breaking the "tough girl" persona she liked to be, or if It's for Joel's sake: Ellie knew he already felt very responsible about everything that happened after they were ambushed in Colorado, she probably wouldn't want to make him feel worse. So she used to say she was fine. But Joel knew her enough to notice her posture change and her quiet behavior; fingers always moving and the urge to spend more time at home, and not just brcause of the cold. Think about it now, gives chills down to his spine.

Poor kiddo, It's almost like the kid could sense winter smelled like her death. Bright red all over the floor. Bare limp arms as they took off her sweater 'cause they wanted to make sure she was who they thought. Metallic smell invading his senses and his scream tearing his lungs. Strong arms lift and pick up momentum one last time, the wind outside whistling as death opened the door. 'Please she's just a kid!' and 'Ellie, baby, get up' just before...

It's so hard to associate the small body, bloody and shrunken like a fetus on the floor of Baldwin mansion with the green eyed girl in his porch, stabbing his heart with daggers and saying she would enjoy to have him in her life again - even when her heart was still so broken by him. And, at the end of that night, Joel turned off the lights and went to bed, not aware that that would be the last time he spoke to his babygirl. Because her skull would be split in half by a fucking golf club in the next morning.

He wonders if she called for his name at any moment during that. Godammit, she must have been so scared and lonely, Joel knew It. Her whole body must have hurt so much, being spanked in that cold floor, she must have been in so much pain, crying and confused about why those fuckers were doing such a thing. Joel is not sure if those cowards did even brother to explain anything to her. Did she think about him once? Was waiting for him to be there sooner?

Sarah's last (and agonizing) moments of pain lasted a minute or two, and Joel was there with her all the time, holding her and looking into her eyes until any sign of life fade through them like dust. The fact that he heard Ellie's screams even though she was almost dying and too weak to open her eyes indicates that her torture began well before his intervention. And when he finally came to rescue, his body was hold against the floor five feet away from her. And he had to watch her last minutes, unable to touch her, while her body let out one last painful breath. So fragile, so gore and tragic. Like a baby deer slaughtered by a pack of hungry wolves.

And, even at death, Ellie would still be the top of his worries. He can't watch a movie he already seen before cause her reactions were still vivid in his head, neither watch a new one cause then he will wonder if she would've liked or think it's bullshit. He does plays guitar, but doesn't sing 'cause that's something he only used to do to his baby girl. Hurts to be with Jesse in patrol because he looks at that kid and reminds him so much of his own. Seeing other people was the worst part. They laughing. They living, talking, fucking doing things because she used to be one of them. Ellie would be disappointed to see him like this. Miserable, worse than when they met, a dead weight, guilty...

He feels guilty because he knows he is, in fact, guilty. Tommy says other wise, says there's nothing he could've done. You gave her a home and people like me 'nd Maria who truly cared about her. She may have been mad at you at some point and things were not fuckin' great between you two but she recognized that. So now, if you wanna say her death it's on you, go on... that ain't fine by me neither but there's nothin' I can say to handle you of that. But don't say you weren't good to her because we both know it ain't true. Ellie died, Joel. But she had the best years of her life. Accept that, brother.

But Tommy doesn't get it. He only saw these last couple of years, but he hasn't seen all of it. Not they journey, not their start. He never failed anyone.

Joel was her protector during years, he was her guardian, he always had some kind of sixth sense whenever became to that kid, in the road or not. He should've know. He should've done something, somehow prevented that from happening to her. It was him in the first place, those people were there for his sins. Not hers, she didn't have any.

'I will never leave you alone again' was the exact same words he said that day, cupping Ellie's cheeks when that building was almost falling in their heads by the flames. But he did, he did left her. Cold, broken, gone. It was stupid from him to think he wouldn't fail with this kid when he already failed with another one before, and even more cruel to make a little girl believe in a promise he wouldn't keep. She saved him on that winter with all her strength, but he didn't save her in this Winter. If the memories of the girl is not a Cancer to his heart, this thought may be.

Spreading on him like a fungus.

Joel have never been a very religious man, but he likes to think that If there's really a place reserved for good-hearted souls worthy of eternal rest, Ellie is there. Maybe exploring bright sacred places or good memories. Probably even finally being able to meet another girl that both have knowledge of a person in common. Joel is not very sure that he would Join them someday, though. Even If he would like to think about it if he had time. Pretend. Like it isn't impossible.

Because sure as hell would be once he find out the lair of the hungry wolves. Salt Lake City was big sin, but It wasn't his last. Joel was going to make sure It wasn't.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Iit's not perfect but I think it turned out pretty good as a person who doesn't really have writing skills... Right?🙈 Please share and don't forget to say what do you think about it. @elliespuns Come see this before I regret.

[skaruresonic]

My memory on the topic is foggy. How was Shadow supposed to cure Maria?

I'm not fully understanding the relation between Shadow being the ultimate lifeform and Gerald finding a cure for Maria's illness

Okay so Shadow is the perfect being. What does that have to do with Maria's sickness?

Idk. She's dying from anime mom disease. That's all the series needs you to know.

I don't particularly remember the games specifying how Shadow would cure her. Ironic, because now that the third film is coming out, people are trying to shock normies by portraying NIDS as "space AIDS," which is just tasteless, and probably a big part of the reason why SoJ quietly shied away from labeling Maria's disease in subsequent years.

"The fictional disease is described in the guide as fatal and which renders its victims physically weak, a symptom that worsens until eventual death." First of all, Maria must have been the other weapon of mass destruction being developed aboard the ARK if this is her nerfed version. Girl is terminally ill and can not only keep up with Shadow with only a little shortness of breath to show for it, but can also destroy robots through the patented 'botnik family bitch-slap.

Second... a disease that weakens people? You mean like cancer? You mean like chronic anemia? You mean like pretty much any disease ever, because fighting disease consumes large amounts of energy? Wow, this is so reminiscent of AIDS. Truly, my third eye has been blown wide open.

Maria essentially has, for lack of a better term, Mary Shepherd-Sunderland Syndrome. You're not supposed to delve too closely into the details because that's not the point.

No lie, the last time I took a hiatus from listening to Castlesuperbeast was because a fan wrote to Pat and Woolie about the third film, describing NIDS as "space AIDS" and Shadow as "canonically immune to HIV."

The two of them proceeded to make homophobic Sonadow jokes.

Love those guys, but every now and again I receive a harsh reminder that they're normies. As with all normies who are irony-poisoned, their Sonic takes are so rancid. It's like a switch gets flipped in their brains and suddenly they have to slag off the series.

You might argue that both NIDS and WMDs are too topical for a Sonic game, but the reason I get heated about mocking the former and not the latter is because we haven't all perished in nuclear war yet. The mass hysteria over WMD development ultimately amounted to George W. Bush blowing hot air.

However, entire generations of queer people were systematically killed through the government's negligent response to the AIDS crisis. It is beyond disrespectful to describe Maria's condition as "space AIDS" just to shock normies into thinking SA2 is Deep and Dark(tm), precisely because fuckwads are going to make jokes like this on the basis that lol funny blue cartoon hedgehogs shouldn't tackle serious topics. Shame on them.

...Anyway.

---

I'm not fully understanding the relation between Shadow being the ultimate lifeform and Gerald finding a cure for Maria's illness

Since the morpheme "neuro-" features in NIDS, it's probably safe to say the condition is genetic in nature. And because Shadow's new Parasite Eve schtick is being explored in SxS Gens, the cure likely has something to do with gene manipulation.

While I wouldn't like it to be explicitly named in the games - nor call it canon because there's zero evidence - if you forced me to come up with an explanation, I would also call stem cells a candidate. Savior siblings of children with cancer are often conceived with the intent to harvest the stem cells of the umbilical cord.

[chrisfriel]

beginners guide to dying 040724

rarely post non photographic stuff but this moved me today

In September 2023, Simon Boas was diagnosed with throat cancer. Aged just 46, he was told the disease was terminal, and that it would ultimately take his life.

Over the following year, he knitted together his reflections on life into a book - A Beginner's Guide to Dying. The book is set to hit the shelves in October. It will be a posthumous publication.

In what he expects to be one of his final interviews, Simon spoke to Emma Barnett on the Today Programme, offering his reflections on life and death as he moved into hospice care.

My pain is under control and I'm terribly happy - it sounds weird to say, but I'm as happy as I've ever been in my life.

I used to think I'd rather be hit by the proverbial bus, but having a couple of months knowing this is coming has really helped me both do the boring 'death-min', but also get my thoughts and prepare myself, and feel so accepting of what's to come.

It's been such a great bonus, actually.

The book is called A Beginner's Guide to Dying, but really what I'm trying to convey is how enjoying life to the full kind of prepares you for this.

In some ways I was lucky that my life and my career have taken me to quite a lot of places where death is more a part of life than it is for us in the West.

I spent my life as an aid worker - quite a lot with the UN - and I've lived in places where death is something that not just exists in the background, but is imminently possible.

I spent three years running a UN office in the Gaza Strip. I spent a lot of time in Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and I've been working in Ukraine. Seeing people there for whom death is such a part of life - they lose children, they don't know where the next meal is coming from - has really helped me.

I've also been a Samaritan for the past four years. In some cases you are on the line while people end their lives, so I think death has been more a part of my life than for many people.

It does us all good to think about it.

That's not in a gloomy way… by kind of realising it's inevitable and it's a part of life, it actually throws life into perspective and helps you to enjoy it more and prioritise the important things.

My family are about to go through the most difficult thing in their lives. My lovely wife, Aurelie, and my parents… are well surrounded, and I hope that my cheerfulness in the leaving of life might perhaps help them in the next few years…

All our lives are little books - but they're not someone else's complete book. You're a chapter or a page or a footnote in someone else's life and they are going to keep writing beautiful chapters when you are gone.

And those green shoots can grow around grief and put it in perspective. I hope people will think, "I'm glad I read that - Simon's story". And just because it's over, doesn't mean it's gone.

You don't need to have been a politician or a mover and shaker or an aid worker or anything in life. All of us make a huge difference.

I love this quote from George Eliot's Middlemarch:

"The effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistorical acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”

All of us make a huge difference in life. I love the idea that most films about time travel revolve around changing one tiny thing in the past, and of course they come back to the present and everything is different.

If you project that forward, you can change huge amounts of things into the future.

All our tombs will be unvisited in a few years - all our actions will mostly be unremembered - but the smile you gave the checkout lady or the kind words you gave to a stranger in the street could still be rippling forward.

We all have that opportunity and it's a huge power. And I want everyone to realise how special and precious they are.

I love melted cheese. Unfortunately I haven't been able to eat since Christmas. The chemotherapy killed my taste buds and the radiotherapy killed my salivary glands.

So, sadly, melted cheese and all the things I loved are off the menu.

However, I've been given full permission by my oncologist and my hospice team to enjoy as much Muscadet and as many cheeky rollups as I want - and I shall certainly be indulging in those and spending time with my family.

I'm sort of - not looking forward to my final day - of course that's the wrong way to see it. But I'm kind of curious about it, and I'm happy and I'm ready.

As Julian of Norwich said: "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."

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