#i also haven't watched the movie adaptation of the story even though I want to

[arabellaseraphim]

Why is it that some of my favorite characters lately if they were to play a role in an Alice In Wonderland roleplay for a theater show or a school performance, I would definitely appoint them to play as Mad Hatter without hesitation cause it's super fitting for them?

[copperbadge]

Supposedly, people with Anphantasia don't get scared reading scary stories, or at least not much. Is that true with you if you ever read Horror?

You know, I'd never thought about it, but I suppose it is. To an extent, anyway.

Follows a discussion of my relationship to horror prose and media; if you don't know what aphantasia is, as many people coming to this tumblr don't, I have a tag for it here that may help -- it's basically the lack of a "mind's eye", a visual imagination, so I hear/read things and don't see an image of them in my mind. If you are scoffing right now that nobody actually has a mind's eye, congratulations, you may also have aphantasia. The articles linked in the tag will be useful to you.

I have definitely been scared by prose before but it's very rare, and not much since I was a child, when the stories I found scary were preying on fears I already had. I loved the Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark books, and I think it's not unusual that I found the illustrations more frightening than the prose, but the only story that ever scared me was the one about the vampire who kept trying to grab a kid through a window -- because I had a window over my bed in my childhood bedroom and I was terrified I'd look up to see someone looking down at me through it. Likewise, as an adult, the only content in horror I find scary is what I think of as "mind horror" -- the loss of faculty or the loss of awareness of faculty (think the end scene of the novel Hannibal with the brain). Which is one of my biggest fears.

I don't read much horror because generally I get bored, which has in the past made me feel faintly appalled at myself, but which now makes more sense. Certainly I have no interest in slasher-style gore in prose, because I find it uninteresting and it goes on a really long time, while I don't watch it in movies/TV because the visual is upsetting -- so if I was getting the visual from the prose I might react more emotionally. I am a fan of Stephen King but mostly his early work where he was shorter on suspense, and I was reading it because I liked the ideas and the characters. Carrie is super interesting because of the personalities involved, not because of the violence or the horror aspects. But I've never seen a movie adaptation and I can imagine I would be deeply unsettled if not distraught by certain scenes if depicted visually. Although I didn't find the Hannibal TV series super upsetting (I mostly was put off by how bad I imagined Will smelled) so perhaps body horror just doesn't do it for me.

This may also explain my hard-no on zombie media, because I'm not scared at all of zombies, I just find them boring and gross, and that leaves the post-apocalyptic humans. My hard-no on post-apocalypse anything is an aversion to imagining the end of my world, though, which isn't visual, it's conceptual, and not scary, just upsetting.

Like, people kept suggesting Zombies Run! to me when I was taking up running and -- well, one, I needed the music to keep my pace, I didn't want it interrupted. But two, I didn't see why a bunch of random groaning noises would make me run faster. If you could see zombies chasing you in your head, yeah, that'd probably be more motivating.

It kind of explains too why I haven't written much horror. I used to be very curious about how people worked out what's "scary" in horror prose and I guess part of the curiosity came from not experiencing it myself. It's tough to know how to write a scary story when stories don't scare you.

To be clear, I definitely experience fear. Reading Stephen King's "It" didn't really scare me, but there were scary moments in the film adaptations. I startle at jumpscares. There's plenty of stuff in real life that I'm scared of. And even podcasts -- I don't get mental images during podcasts like apparently most people do, but Magnus Archives got me with the "digging into your pre-existing fears" thing once or twice, and while I didn't finish The Left Right Game (I just got bored) the hitchhiker scene definitely got me. But I think, unless it's playing on something conceptual that already existed, yeah, I don't find prose particularly frightening.

Huh. This feels like the kind of thing that could have a significant impact on my creative output if I could crowbar my way into it. Knowing that I as an aphantic don't need descriptions that other people do has already, I think, impacted my editing process, but this feels like it maybe would somehow have an effect on the whole thing -- the fact that I don't experience emotions when reading in the same way other people do because I don't get the visuals is something to meditate on.

How the fuck did I ever even become a writer. Like what's up with that.

(Ironically it was X-Files fanfic. X-Files, a show that very much did scare me, for which I wrote and read a lot of fanfic, none of which did...yikes. Well, that's something to meditate on for the weekend.)

[love-little-lotte]

A Look Into My New Guilty Pleasure: Poldark (2015 Series)

My biggest weakness is period dramas — especially period dramas with a talented cast, sweeping romance, terrific scenes (preferably set in some kind of country/provincial side), and lots and lots and lots of just sitting around and talking.

That's probably why Poldark has captured my heart. As a big fan of Outlander, it's no surprise that I fell in love with this show. Outlander and Poldark have so many similarities that I may make a lengthy post about it, but for today, let me just rant about my new guilty pleasure. I'm so obsessed with this show that I actually finished watching the entire five seasons in one week!

Poldark is based on Winston Graham's novels and adapted by Debbie Horsfield. I was so excited to start this show, with a male protagonist originally written by a man, created and written for a series by a woman. I haven't read Graham's novels (I'm going to one of these days, I swear!), so I'm not sure how well Debbie's adaption worked. I've read many Reddit threads, though, and some fans of the novel are not that impressed with how she omitted and added details to the show (will get back to this once I've read the books or at least the seven ones that were used in the show). The show has also been adapted in the 70s, so this was not the first time Graham's novels were seen onscreen!

Despite not having read the books, I fell in love with the story, the characters, and the cast! The show follows Ross Poldark returning to Cornwall after fighting in the American War in the 1780s. He looks forward to marrying his childhood sweetheart Elizabeth but, believing him to be dead, is now engaged to his cousin Francis. He then tries to resurrect his family's mining business and hires a young girl Demelza to be his kitchen maid (whom he eventually marries) while also crossing paths with the villain George Warleggan, a corrupted banker who stops at nothing to ruin Ross's prospects and personal life. As the show progresses, we also meet other characters, including Prudie and Jud, Ross's servants, Verity, Ross's cousin and Francis's sister; Ross's friend Dr. Dwight Enys and his love interest Caroline Penvenen; Sam and Drake Carne, Demelza's brothers, and Morwenna Chynoweth, Drake's love interest.

Yes, this show has a large ensemble cast, and trust me, there always comes a point when you hate or love them. Especially our protagonist Ross Poldark. Ross... is an interesting character. He's terribly, terribly flawed and many times times, I'm so infuriated with him to the point that I want him to suffer. I swear, you cannot go through this series without screaming at Ross. (When that moment came up in Season 2, I swear I had my middle finger ready every time Ross showed up on my screen from then on.)

But my favorite character in the show is Demelza, Ross's wife who started as his kitchen maid. She's the heart of the show, the voice of reason, and even though she makes questionable decisions along the way, you can't help but get on her side no matter what. She's the perfect fiery yet gentle match to Ross's stubbornness. He treats her like shit many times in this show, which makes me angry to no end, but they eventually grow to be understanding, loving partners.

And it also helps that Aidan Turner and Eleanor Tomlinson have one of the best romantic chemistries I've ever seen. They're terrific actors as well and they bring the characters to life so effortlessly. They just seem like they have the best time shooting this show. I kind of want to rewatch Loving Vincent now just because they're in that movie, even just in supporting roles.

Poldark is a roller coaster, with so many ups and downs (mostly downs, to be honest, please give Demelza a break!) My favorite season has got to be Season 1. Season 1 had the best Ross and I loved the early stages of his relationship with Demelza. It also has my favorite episode: Season 1, Episode 8. That episode broke me so much, thanks to Aidan and Eleanor's perfect performances. It's the only time I ever cried watching this show. I usually cry in period dramas (I've cried countless times in Outlander and Downton Abbey), but for some reason, I only cried once in Poldark. Most of the time, I'm annoyed and infuriated (hahaha but I still love it!)

The romance in Poldark is also quite unique, something I haven't seen before. Ross and Demelza emotionally hurt each other many times in this show, and they don't have the best communication. It's not an ideal marriage, but that's what makes it so raw and real. It hurts when Ross sleeps with his first love Elizabeth or when Demelza falls for the much-sensitive Hugh Armitage, but these are challenges people face all the time, and it's interesting to view it in characters and circumstances through 18th-century lenses. Plus, it can be very tiring to see perfect couples onscreen all the time. So watching Ross and Demelza's relationship thrive, suffer, and reconcile is very refreshing to me.

Nevertheless, Ross and Demelza are still able to work together. Seasons 2 and 3 showcase the worst moments of their marriage, from infidelities to insecurity, but the love between them still perseveres and they learn to forgive. In the end, they realize that they belong together.

And despite the unconventional marriage, Poldark is not a stranger to grand romantic gestures. Two of my favorite Ross and Demelza moments occur in Season 2:

A real funny, old-married-couple type of bicker in The Beach Scene:

And of course, showing all intimacy in The Stocking Scene:

(Let's just not talk about what happened 2 episodes after this!)

The romance in Poldark not only ends with Ross and Demelza. We also got two really good couples in the series: Dwight and Caroline and Drake and Morwenna.

And these love stories don't just happen! They're fleshed-out characters with proper backgrounds and their own problems, especially Drake and Morwenna's relationship. Morwenna is one of my favorite characters, and she doesn't deserve all the shit thrown at her. The last season of Poldark is not the best (bordering on bad, actually, especially the last two episodes), but watching Drake and Morwenna get their happy ending is worth it.

Finishing all five seasons is bittersweet. I enjoyed most of the story and fell in love with different characters. I kind of regret watching everything in one week haha. But what can I say? As soon as I finish each episode, I'm so tempted to start another episode. I think the last time I stayed up until 5 AM the next morning to watch TV shows was Yellowjackets. Poldark's just too good to binge! It's one of my favorite TV shows now. Maybe I'll watch Sanditon next...

I want to write more about Poldark soon, maybe a comparison with Outlander or maybe just a post about each character. I realized I hadn't talked much about Elizabeth, Francis, and George in this post; I was too preoccupied with the love story aspects and Ross and Demelza. We'll see!

[anhed-nia]

So I'm in the middle of this research project centered on Dario Argento's OPERA, for which I have required myself to watch as many screen adaptations of the Gaston Leroux novel The Phantom of the Opera as I can take. What I have determined so far is that the Phantom of the Opera is a story everyone wants to tell, but not very many people are sure of how to tell it. In fact, it's not that easy to say what it is about archetypally. You know, Wolfman stories are typically about "the beast in man" (with femininity positioned as some sort of cure for this personality split), Frankenstein stories are usually about human nature (i.e. an uncanny creature can have more humanity than vain and bigoted humans), Dracula-type vampire stories are most generally about the problems of being an outsider (queer, foreign, etc). But Phantom of the Opera is like...well, everyone likes the love story part of it, which is more or less modeled on Dracula, with a woman torn between seductive darkness and the safety of square society. But then there are all these other parts that seem to flummox people in the retelling.

I haven't read the Leroux novel YET but the first round of movies have been interesting, and also sort of perplexing. The iteration from 1925 holds up, largely due to Chaney's creation of the Phantom which remains a top tier monster. People don't often talk about the mask though! Which looks like a cross between Peter Lorre and the Devo Boogie Boy, it's disturbing and I like it.

This Phantom was born in the dungeons during a revolutionary bloodbath and is disfigured from birth, drawing on the antique idea that a mother's trauma is translated in the deformity of her children; also, compellingly, these dungeons lie fathoms beneath the opera house where the bourgeoisie are witlessly dancing on the graves of martyrs and criminals embodied in the Phantom. The ingenue Christine is an interesting figure who breaks up with her boyfriend at the beginning because she wants to give her whole self to her career; when the Phantom starts murmuring to her through the walls it's as if the spirit of opera itself has chosen her to be its avatar, which she seems to find totally rational. It's sort of cool, what other movie of this era has a likeable heroine choosing her potential for greatness over love? This is the element of the story that is the most interesting, but I'll expand on that in a minute.

The Chaney edition benefits a lot from keeping things simple. The 1943 version with Claude Raines has a little bit too much going on and the story doesn't get a lot of time to congeal between so many long opera sequences; this movie really takes the opera part of the title seriously! Actually they're the best thing about it, mostly because of Nelson Eddy who is extremely beautiful and a real opera singer, and who projects this blazing desire for Susanna Foster that is incredibly convincing. Like I'd normally say they have great chemistry, but I think it's just a lot of power radiating from him specifically.

Ahem.

Uh anyway. This movie picks up the reoccurring (but not universal) idea that the Phantom is a genteel and sophisticated composer who has just fallen on hard times, who goes mad when his latest concerto is stolen. He is disfigured while struggling with the plagiarist and installs himself under the opera house where he can haunt his former protege Christine, who is already torn between dreamy Nelson Eddy and her stuffy cop boyfriend. One of my favorite things here is that even though this film is extremely quaint and old fashioned, everybody hates cops; this Christine is less a self-determined careerist than someone who is under pressure from her artist friends who find it profoundly repulsive that she is dating a policeman. Meanwhile the Phantom is just way too gentle and sappy, which is extra disappointing because Claude Rains's Invisible Man is so fabulously chaotic and sadistic, it made me really aware of the Phantom that could have been. This one doesn't properly represent the high society vs. underworld dichotomy that Christine should be torn between. So what is this movie about? There's so many guys in it and a few different themes flapping in the breeze. Is it about love? Is it about self-actualizing through art? Is it about the cutthroat world of showbusiness? It doesn't have that much to say, ultimately, and it just seems really unmotivated. Also I don't like this mask, sue me.

The Hammer edition is even more disappointing, considering the studio's previous successes with Universal Monster remakes. Here Christine is torn between a suave opera producer, the lecherous composer who has plagiarized the Phantom, and yeah the Phantom. Too many guys, it confuses whatever the dynamic and themes are supposed to be. Michael Gough as the plagiarist is so much more evil and threatening than poor Herbert Lom's Phantom that it's hard to stay focused on the main point here. Curiously the Hammer version is rather unromantic, with the Phantom just slapping Christine around until she sings his tunes right; that is kind of refreshing in a way, although it also means that the film lacks tension, which contributes to its being surprisingly anticlimactic. The best guy in the movie is actually Thorley Walters whose character serves almost no narrative purpose at all, he just hulks around with this WTF? look on his face and it is kind of adorable. I guess I like the gross mask in this one, too.

But the Hammer version has one interesting strength, which is that Christine is singing the lead in a new opera about Joan of Arc. Just like Joan, Christine hears a disembodied voice prophesizing her ascent to power. The best thing about the Phantom lore is the idea that the woman has this latent power that can either be activated by the Phantom, or suppressed by her square boyfriend (the relationship being mutually exclusive with opera stardom in many iterations). She isn't just a love object to be possessed, she herself possesses of some kind of devastating energy that needs to be awakened and channeled--or contained and forgotten, if she decides to get married and stay home or something. This is pretty cool, and it is interestingly realized in Dario Argento's OPERA, in which (spoiler alert I guess) a killer stalks an opera singer with the aim of catalyzing her own latent psychopathy. This idea is at the center of my thesis and I'm looking forward to fleshing it out, although I'm kind of dreading all the other PHANTOMs that I have committed myself to watching. I really don't want to deal with Andrew LLoyd Webber at all, but after I get through at least the Joel Schumacher one of the those I'm going to reward myself with a rewatch of PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE which I'm going to guess right now is the best retelling of this story after the Chaney one. I'm counting on Paul Williams' music to be catchier than Webber's.

I'm whining about my own decisions, I know, but really the main hardship of this project is that now I keep getting the Vandals' punk theme song from PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE stuck in my head, and let me tell you that is very unwelcome. Here it is, if you've decided you're done being happy and sane:

[throwawayyaccount]

yes!! tbh i dont thinknany adaptation ive seen so far (the movie or what ive heard about the musical) does dally and johnnys relationship justice. like they love each other soooo muuuuch

the musical absolutely does not, and that's what's been bugging me ever since i've heard it. to me the saddest thing about johnny and dally's deaths is that both trusted and loved each other and wanted to get out of the situation quickly, but together, and for them to die after struggling during the whole story hurts a lot.

in the musical, johnny's death feels flat because they didn't elaborate in their dynamic nor made them "special" as the book does– and dally's relationship with johnny feels the same as everyone else's as they both have no more than one scene interacting just with each other. i think you'd be moved if you knew about the characters beforehand, but I don't think it would work for someone who sees it for the first time, at least that's how it happened in my experience! i'm not trying to discredit the musical in any way because again i love it, the cast puts a lot of emotion in their shows (especially johnny and dally's in their respective songs oh my god the way i CRIED), it's specifically the script i have a problem with, it could've been better.

don't know if it's something worth mentioning but i enjoy musicals and that's how I found out the outsiders, so i know how it can be a medium that can make the audience feel numb when a character dies, and i was surprised with the outsiders because they didn't really accomplished that???? again, i think it only works if you knew about the characters before because you're already attached to them, but someone who sees it for the first time? i don't think so.

but that's the only aspect I have a problem with, the musical has a lot of strengths as well, and one of them is the way they handled the curtis brothers storyline, but that's a completely different topic!!

as for the movie I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET!! all I've heard is that dally and johnny also don't have a lot of scenes together so I didn't feel motivated, but just from what i could tell i don't think it's an adaptation that makes their relationship justice! as you said, they love each other so much, come on, what's an 80s movie if it doesnt have a little bit of queercoding? the movie does have it already for those with the eyes to see yeah, but the book is like the bible compared to the movie.

sorry for the rambling but those were my honest thoughts!! didn't know it would end up being that long. i don't want to sound like a bitter johnny/dally shipper (even though i am) but no one can deny that what they had was special and the adaptations weren't exactly accurate with their dynamic

[mindrell]

So I watched first two episodes of the Amazon Prime series they made of the yakuza series and I have some thoughts;

I feel like lot of people already had not so great expectations of it upon learning how it differs from the source material (can you really blame them when it comes to the adaptions based on videogames though?), I actually like it so far, but I can't but wonder if this was necessary?

Like I haven't watched many Yakuza movies so I can't comment on how unique or interesting of the plot is compared to your usual Japanese gangster movies, but like I wish we could get something else for a change. Don't get me wrong, I love Kiryu and his story, how it starts and his relationship with Nishkiyama, Haruka and the Yakuza itself but if you're making a series based on the games' characters, why not choose the ones we didn't get to see that much? I would love to see how Kazama got where he is or Sera, hell, show me young Kazama and Kashiwagi, how he got his scar and their struggles with climbing up the ladder! Even the people who played the games wouldn't be familiar with the story, it would he brand new and so both new comers and already existing fans could dive into it.

That been said I do really like how Nishki and Kiryu become Yakuza to pay off the debt, Kazama seems like a better dad figure here since he seems like he's actually trying to shield them from joining the organisation. It's been a while since I played Yakuza 0 but from what I remember he kinda resists but let's them in the family anyway like... did you try ?? Girlypop wtf they are dumb young people, ofcourse they are going to glamourise that sort of thing.

In the first episode I feel like I could barely see what was going on in the heist scene but other than that I think the sets are really cool, lots of blood and punching sounds very cool. 👍 The fight after Kiryu gets out of the prison seems but rehearsed (so nice of them to wait for Kiryu to finish beating up their friend before they attack lol) but then again I'm not fight choreographer so, maybe it was actually good and I just don't understand it lol

I really like the idea of Yumi and Miho joining them in Kamurocho, since my biggest gripe in the games were that we are kinda just told that Yumi is Kiryus true love but we never see girlie do anything. I'm sorry it's hard to care for her because we never get to see their relationship properly, I don't know this girl??? They are in love with her I guess cool. So I hope we get to see them in the upcoming episodes 🙏

I also liked them having their little messy home together, it really feels like it's their little taste of freedom before things go south for them.

I wish they had casted someone properly smelly looking middle aged man to play Date, he kinda got yassified imo.

When they mentioned Majima and Taiga I just went "!!!", I would love seeing Saejima somewhere else than just prison. But I wonder how it will affect Majima as a character, since one thing that made him truly tragic is that he had lost everything... But obviously if Taiga is here, then how did things end up going in this version of the story? Now I'm realising I didnt look properly whether Majima has two eyes in the Amazon Prime series but if he doesn't, how would he lose his other eye in this version..?

I like that they didn't just delete Haruka. I hope they handle her well.

I feel like I'm forgetting something I wanted to mention but this is a lot of text already so, if you read this all: I'm very glad and im going to give you big smoochie, we are holding hands now yay ❤

[dontmixpaintinyourcoffee]

Ive been watching Frankenstein movies again (I think I'm gonna have to make some kind of something about it, but I also have never made a video for the internet before so... To be determined?)

Anyways- I have a new recommendation for Frankenstein nerds with time on their hands! And I haven't seen much about it?? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but even the 1994 Kenneth Branagh version has something of an audience, and I think this one deserves at least that amount of attention.

Drumroll please!!

"Frankenstein" 2004, Directed by Kevin Connor

Now I think the reason this one is so unwatched is because it's actually a TV movie broken into two "episodes". The whole thing is about 3 hours long. And weirdly enough, aired on Hallmark??? But guys it's like. Really really good. Like, REALLY really good.

Some highlights for me personally include:

Henry Clerval! He's here! He's jolly! He's a little bit of a menace! Genuinely though he has a wonderful sense of charm and charisma to him, which works really well against the naturally more serious and dramatic Victor. Plus he's a history nerd with a bad relationship with his dad who doesn't want him to go to college. So naturally he hops on Victor's carriage mid-ride to Ingolstadt. What a guy

Elizabeth! Her relationship with Victor feels natural, but she also feels like her own person. Also they don't frame it like they're siblings (looking at you Kenneth). It feels more like they're childhood sweethearts who happen to live together, there's never a point where they refer to each other as siblings, there was never an intention from the parents to make them siblings, it just feels way less icky than many other adaptations. (It's still kinda weird though just on principle) I think she could've been explored more but she's fun when she's on screen. She paints, she jokes around, she has goals and expectations, I like her.

The portrayal of Victor is one of the most successfully sympathetic I've ever seen. It is very very easy to make Victor an asshole. Which he is, but it's easy to make him the wrong kind of asshole. Petty and vindictive, eager to run away from responsibility and denying the consequences of his actions. That's not him here. It's more that he's overwhelmed. He's completely over his own head. There's a lot of emphasis put on the fact that Victor is mentally unwell after his experiments. He's completely broken himself down, the minute the lightning thing doesn't work he flies into a rage. And then when the Creature starts breathing, he sees it for a few seconds and then blacks out. As far as he knows, he hallucinated the thing getting up (and he continues to experience paranoid hallucinations throughout the story, it's not a one time assumption). He still abandons the Creature, but it's not because he hates it, it's because he's exhausted and overwhelmed and literally doesn't know what's real. And that goes a long way in making the two feel equally sympathetic, which I think is very important.

This portrayal of The Creature is also one of the most successfully compelling I've ever seen! His performance is very gentle and quiet, which I think makes his rage and torment all the more intense. It's pretty common for the Creature to speak in a deep growl or low-toned monologues, but Luke Goss keeps his voice light and soft, which really really works. Plus I think his makeup and costuming is excellent. They stick way closer to the book description. He has a very pretty well-shaped face, but his skin is dry, grey, and cracked. His eyes are bright but sunken in shadow, and stitches poke out from just under his hairline. At the same time it's believable that Victor designed him to be beautiful, and that strangers would find him unnerving.

It's definitely too long, but it's a good time! You can also just find it on YouTube for free so, bonus points for that

[captain-aralias]

9 books that are my favourites

tagged by @arenee1999 a few days ago, thank you <3 as i was writing this list in my head last night, i thought - this could be read as a list of my favourite fandoms and television/film adaptations, but hey ho. i did a degree in english lit or something.

harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban by JKR - no book has been so important to my life and i also just think it's a really fun mystery and i still like it, so - it's here, it's staying.

carry on by rainbow rowell - but of course. this one was quite important too.

pride and prejudice by jane austen - i don't think this has ever made a fav book list before, i think because i thought it was too basic, but damnit - this book is great, it influences the way i write enemies to lovers, i love the 1995 adaptation and all of austen's novels are bangers except mansfield park, which i keep trying to like but it sucks.

the once and future king by TH white - all my life i loved the movie 'camelot' and it's depiction of arthur. i only learned as an adult that it was TH white's gentle, earnest, thwarted arthur that they'd used <3 he's perfect. 'ill-made knight' is the best of the series, IMO

lieutenant hornblower by cs forester - i haven't read the books in ages, so maybe it's time for a re-read. the ioan grufford adaptation is great, i wish they'd do the later/earlier books too! BUT this early (in hornblower's life) book is my fav - the only one told from bush's POV as he struggles with how he loves hornblower but worries the guy wants to do a mutiny (which he totally does)

the folk of the air by holly black - a new entrant even though i've loved it for years, but i've decided i don't just think it's really good, it's so good that it's one of my favs. maybe the best of the trilogy is the middle book, 'wicked king' where jude is in power with limited support and they fall in love (or do they???). how the king of elfham learned to hate stories is also brilliant.

'the emperor mage' by tamora pierce. i've been waiting my whole life for the numair book and it was terrible, but her first three trilogies are my absolute crack, and this is the best book of those series IMO. the bit where numair tries to hit the emperor for implying he loves his student daine (which he does) while she's listening but disguised as a bird - and then he fakes his own death, and daine goes crazy... that bit has stayed with me for decades, i love it so much.

'night watch' by terry pratchett. i still feel late to properly loving pterry, but i've always liked this one and now i love it - vimes is my guy, i love the time travel, that he trains himself, that he resists both passively and when required actively. v good. my next fav is probably ... 'monstrous regiment', which i think is a bit more of a weird choice (unlike this one which is mega popular and also about all the things i like), but it just does everything right! oh, 'and 'going postal'.

'the princess bride' by s morgenstern william goldman. i haven't read this for ages either so maybe it shouldn't make the list, but i expect it's still pretty great. a mindfuck for a young child who has only seen the film and thinks all of the frame narrative must therefore be real... also, the film is like one of the best films ever and i have seen that super recently. if you haven't seen the home movie, do yourself a favour and watch it because it's a great way to enjoy the movie a-new.

no idea where this meme has been already. so just saying hello to some folks and if you'd like to do this meme and haven't done it already, please do! @giishu @orange-peony @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @carryonvisinata @alleycat0306 @fight-surrender @cows4247 @messofthejess @mysterioussheep

[simplyclary]

Red, White and Royal Blue: A Royal Obsession

(Photo credits: Entertainment Weekly)

This is honestly a long overdue [personal] review of one of my most favorite book to movie adaptations EVER, considering it came out last August 11, 2023, and I wrote this entire thing on October 11, 2023 (Wow, on the 2nd month anniversary of the movie's release! How ironic!). But hey, what's important is it's here and it's here for you to read.

To be quite honest with you all, I have no particular format for this review, but I will be reviewing the storyline, the characters, the dialogue and what's in the book but not in the movie and vice versa.

I will also discuss the perfection that is the CASTING!! Like I can't imagine anybody else as Alex and Henry than who was casted, and you should know their names by now even though I'm gonna state their names a little later, so stay tuned.

Feel free to keep reading even though you haven't watched the movie or read the book, I'll leave it to your discretion but there is a section where I discuss the differences between the movie and the book so skip that if you wish ;)

So with that, I'll go ahead and jump into the movie and book review.

RED, WHITE AND ROYAL BLUE MOVIE AND BOOK REVIEW

Let's talk about the storyline first.

The storyline is not one for your typical romantic comedy. To be honest, this is the first romantic comedy storyline of its kind that I have ever seen in my life, like its not set in like high school or whatsoever where stakes are low. This is sort of high stakes (though not fantasy level high stakes), considering that the lives of the main characters Alex and Henry are forever altered with what happens in the story. This is also a story with an enemies/rivals-to-lovers trope, which I personally love, like I'm such a fan for any story with that trope.

The story has plot and it's a good one. It's one of those plots that are sort of unforgettable and you really need to watch until the end to find out what happens. The storyline of this balances the comedy to the romance and the drama. Like I love that so much, it's everything I want in a romantic comedy story.

Also, there are certain changes between the movie and the book but I'll discuss that in a bit.

Now, let's talk about the dialogue.

With regards to the dialogue, I wouldn't call it cringe because some of the lines are just the wittiest and hit lines that I have ever heard and read. The banter between characters is so fun to read and the way the actors delivered the dialogue is just worth remembering. Like there are certain scenes that I can never unhear from my brain, even while I was reading the book. I would also like to point out that the dialogue are not those cringy one-liners that other rom-coms have and so, it was one aspect that set it apart from your typical rom-com.

One thing that I would like to point out is the conversations between Alex and Henry through text and emails. Now, this was an aspect in the movie that I loved, like the way they executed their conversations in the emails and texts by having text bubbles show up is just cool. Their emails were longer in the book, with some poetry involved but I didn't mind how it turned out in the movie.

I'll now talk about the characters and the utter PERFECTION that is the CASTING.

This story does not have an overload of characters, which makes it easy to remember almost everybody in the story. There were some characters who were not included in the movie or was changed in the movie but kind of had the same vibe with the original character in the book. The titular characters of this story are Alex Claremont-Diaz and Prince Henry. Notable side characters include June Claremont-Diaz, Nora Holleran, Princess Beatrice, Zahra Bankston, President Ellen Claremont, Oscar Diaz, Shaan Srivastava (Henry's equerry), Rafael Luna, Percy "Pez" Okonjo, Duchess Catherine of Edinburgh, Queen Mary and Henry's pet beagle David.

Casting wise, I have nothing to say except that the characters were casted perfectly. Having Taylor Zakhar Perez as Alex and Nicholas Galitzine as Henry was nothing but PERFECT! Like, their chemistry was off the charts and emanating through the screen as I was watching the movie. The banter that flowed between them is so natural and so fun to watch. They did have to be close immediately because of the intimacy of the story, and I love how easily they got along considering that Nick was casted first and they had to find someone who can easily bond with him and I'm happy they found Taylor because their friendship is a gem to be treasured.

Even when I read the book after watching the movie (I know, it's a sin. PEACE!), I heard their voices in my mind as I was reading their characters' dialogues. As for the supporting characters, Uma Thurman as President Ellen Claremont was a force of nature, her speech toward the end of the movie was something else, Sarah Shahi was hilarious and iconic as Zahra, Rachel Hilson as Nora is the best friend you want in your life, and Ellie Bamber as Princess Beatrice is the sweetest and supportive sister you want with you during tough times.

Honestly, I have nothing but praise for the casting of this movie. Other casting directors should learn from this (just kidding, but lowkey, yes, they should!).

Moving on to the twists and differences from book to screen.

Similar to every other book to screen adaptation, not every element from the book gets adapted on screen and this movie is no different. Certain characters were also not adapted and changed and certain scenes were not included.

Let's talk about the differences in characters first.

One of the characters that I really wanted to see in the movie (this is after reading the book already) was June Claremont-Diaz. June is Alex's older sister and the First Daughter of the US. She was not included in the movie, which kinda made me sad because her banter with Alex and Nora is one of my favorites in the book. Also, she just provides that sisterly vibe to Alex similar to what Beatrice provides to Henry. I would've also loved to see the Claremont-Diaz siblings banter on screen but sadly, that is not the case. I would also like to mention that one of my favorite actresses Emeraude Toubia was the fancast for June and simply imagining her with Taylor just makes me giddy and happy.

Another character that was not there but mentioned multiple times in the movie was Henry's mother Duchess Catherine of Edinburgh. She was present in the book but not in the movie so that's another character that I would've loved to see on screen.

For the characters that were changed, a few notable ones were Rafael Luna. Rafael's character became Miguel in the movie, and believe me when I tell you that Miguel irritates me in the movie, especially when he is around Alex, which is always! Another notable character change was the royal ruler of England. In the book, it was Queen Mary but in the movie, the character became King James so it was a transition from a queen to a king which I don't mind.

So far, those are the only ones that really come to mind. The other side characters like Zahra, Nora, Shaan, and Percy were maintained. I would also like to add that it's a smart move when they decided to have the author of the book Casey Mcquiston appear in the movie! That's a slay, honestly.

As for the differences in the storyline and dialogue...

Storyline-wise, the movie stayed pretty true to the book, which is honestly good because I am not the biggest fan of when they put too much twists in a book to screen adaptation that sometimes it already strays away from the original plot. Some iconic scenes from the book that did not make it to the movie (the Cornetto scene, for example, but it was released later on) and some minor changes to places were made like in the book, Alex and Henry first met in the Rio Olympics while in the movie, they first met at the Melbourne Climate Conference.

Dialogue-wise, it is pretty much the same thing. Some dialogue was just made more dramatic in the movie (Zahra saying "I will Brexit your head right off your body" to Henry in the movie is one of my favorites), but most of it was taken from the book itself which honestly, slay because the book basically gives you your script so if changes were to be made, it would be minor and not super major.

More deleted scenes could possibly be coming, so keep manifesting for their release, you guys!

Before I end, let's talk intimacy, smut and spice

This story is definitely not YA, and it has spice and smut within. Honestly, I would rate the spice 3/5 chili peppers because it's not like a full-blown "frack me boneless" or something but it still has hooking up and making love scenes that are essential to show the growing romance between Alex and Henry. To be fair, since I watched the movie before reading the book, I was surprised by the speed of the spice but I was also enchanted by the tenderness of when they made love in their room in Paris. Like that scene was beautifully executed and I was speechless after that.

The intimacy level of the story is one of the main reasons (if not the main reason) why Nick and Taylor had to be close so fast because the level of trust that needs to be established in order to execute the intimate scenes is necessary between two actors. Their dedication to their craft just leaves me in awe every time I think of the care and work they, along with the entire cast and crew, put into this movie.

Now, to conclude,

To end, I do not regret watching Red, White and Royal Blue. It's one of those feel-good movies that I could never get tired of no matter how many times I have already seen the movie, read bits of the book and heard the dialogue. It's just that good. The movie easily became a comfort movie for me and the book is one of my 5-star reads for the year.

History, huh? This movie definitely made some.

[persepor]

Let's talk about my favorite villains pt 1

Let's face it, sometimes the villains are better than the heroes or they are just as compelling as the heroes. So I want to go over some of my favorite villains which spans back to my childhood, I'll also put villains in quotation marks because some are framed as villains when they really are not (you'll see why).

So let's get into this!!

Eris

Eris is first on my list and- hoo boy! Do I love her so much. I need to re-watch this movie because the last time I saw this was when I was 8 or 9. First off she's a badass and I mean that, she has a plan and she'll do whatever it takes to make that plan work.

Eris is the goddess of discord, and she strikes a deal with Sinbad for him to get the Book of Peace for her. He backs out of the deal though, so she uses her powers to frame Sinbad for stealing the book. Sinbad must now track down the book and return it.

Eris' design reflects her personality and how she stirs up discord and chaos. She's designed as if she were simply smoke, with her form constantly shifting and being able to change her shape and grow. She can make herself tower over humans or make herself the same height as humans.

I always loved her for how she was simply herself while being an unforgettable villainess, her personality is unmatched and adds to why i love her so much.

Ramesses

If you haven't seen the Prince of Egypt please give it a watch it's really good. As someone who doesn't care about religion I feel DreamWorks struck gold with their adaptation of the story of Moses. They paint Rameses as a complicated villain with conflicting emotions.

Rameses doesn't want to let Moses' people go because he wants to uphold the legacy their family's dynasty has built. But, he wants his brother, Moses, back. This culminates in their sibling relationship shattering.

Rameses is not a black-and-white villain, he is 3 dimensional. But, he is still evil in wanting to keep the Hebrews as slaves. He is the reason all the plagues are set upon Egypt, resulting in his sons death.

Rameses is an interesting villain you'd have to watch the movie to really get what I'm saying about his character.

Ratchet and Madame Gasket

Putting these two together because they are a Mother-Son duo. Ratchet deals with things on the outside while his mother, Madame Gasket, deals with things on the inside with her chop shop. They both want to take over Big Weld Industry and the whole city.

These two are HILARIOUS, Ratchet acts as a sophisticated, well-put together person with a plan, but is actually a scared mama's boy. He has very hilarious scenes and lines, his interactions with his mother are also hilarious. One of my favorite scenes of his is the one where he knocks out Big Weld and says this: "Oh my god I'm as crazy as my mother!!....HYAH"

Madame Gasket used to terrify me as a child, and I can see why. She is ruthless in her approach while also being a doting mother to Ratchet. She collects 'Out modes' with her sweepers to turn them into metal to create new, shiny parts. She even got her husband out of the way so she can focus on her plan of taking over Big Weld Industries. A villain who will get rid of anything in their way is terrifying.

They are both defeated with Ratchet being chained up by his father and Madame Gasket being thrown into one of her machines.

Tatiana

A character that's posed as a villain but is put into that light. Yes she is wrong for Vinyl City's power outages, but she knew what kept the city going. She used to be Kul Fyra, leader of the rock group the Ghoulings.

I won't go much about her her because I want to talk about her in full but she is so well written. Am ex rock star that switched to EDM now has to deal with a musical revolution. She sees B2J's revolution as irrelevant because nothing will come of it.

As she points out they made the same amount of energy as EDM and that they went into this without a plan. They would put people out of jobs and cause a revolution from people who live EDM. She's the common sense B2J needed.

Fairy Godmother

You should not be surprised she's on here. She is an icon when it comes to DreamWorks villains. When DreamWorks villains are mentioned, she's the first one to be brought up.

She is portrayed as a caring individual but is a selfish person who wants her darling son Prince Charming to be king. She uses the fact Shrek took a potion to make him and Fiona human to her advantage. She makes Charming pretend to be Shrek so he can get closer to Fiona.

She also is a master manipulator, basically threatening the king to do what she wants him to do. She wants Shrek out of the picture because "Ogres don't get happily ever afters." She wants Fiona to have the picture perfect happily ever after married to charming.

Yes her entire scene at the ball is stunning. The red dress is so good and fits her character perfectly. The rendition of Holding Out for a Hero is absolutely a banger and is a go-to song of mine.

Iconic villain and has had a lasting impression on me.

Mother Gothel

I grew up with Morher Gothel as a character. Both her Disney and barbie version, which I'll talk a bit about here and in a dedicated post about early 2000s barbie. I love her character very dearly. We are talking about a gaslighting, manipulative person.

She kidnapped Rapunzel because of her hair, she doesn't love Rapunzel she loves her hair. Meanwhile, in the Barbie version, she's a cold, distant person who kidnapped Rapunzel as revenge. But we're focusing on the Disney version here.

She makes Rapunzel believe she loves her, makes the outside world to be dangerous, and manipulates her into thinking Flynn Rider abandoned her. She was willing to murder to keep Rapunzel's hair to herself. As all she cares about is her beauty and youth.

She is a master manipulator and an amazing villain as well.

Preminger

Ah Preminger one of the best Barbie villains. A villain with a great plan that fails miserably. A villain with hilarious scenes.

Preminger wants the crown to himself amd at first plans to marry Annaliese. But when that goes wrong, he tries to marry the queen. But that also goes wrong.

He has hilarious scenes such as him knocking on the cabin door to see if Annaliese is still locked in there. To the hilarious scene where he almost faints when finding out the princesses wedding will be next weak.

Preminger is the most loved barbie villain for a reason. He's dramatic, funny, and cunning. His sidekicks are hilarious and give a lot of laughs. His dog is also a great component of his character as he is an extension of Preminger.

End

Well that's the end of part 1, I have 4 more I'll discuss in part 2 so keep an eye out for that.

[electracution]

Okay, so I watched "all of us strangers" in the cinema yesterday. I'm not sure if this post will reach anybody and if this will be interesting to you, since this is a Tolkien blog, but I need to get it off my chest.

This film is an adaptation of Stranger by Taichi Yamada, which I haven't read, so I'm not judging it as an adaptation, but as a standalone work. There are different things you should pay attention to while you know the original story, so if you have read it and have something to share, comment please.

Also, yes, I'm aware it came out a while back, but it had its release in my country literally last week, so it's new to me.

There are no spoilers here, if you haven't seen it yet and are planning to.

This is a movie you have to experience yourself. I always Google the plot before watching a movie, but something prompted me to not do it this time and it was so worth it.

This movie is a masterpiece, simply put. And I don't throw this term lightly. From the pictures, to the perfectly chosen music for each scene (really, one song in the middle made me freeze, such a smart choice!), to the incredible performance of every actor on screen and the subtle and patient dialog... The haunting scene at the club, genuinely made my skin crawl. It's an incredible, though depressing, experience.

Now, a little information to make you want to go see it for yourself. It's queer (contains two short explicit scenes). It deals with subjects of loneliness and isolation (there are literally only four characters in the whole story and that really drives the point across) that comes from being different. It deals with substance abuse and other heavy subjects, like death and grief. And homophobia. Both in the past, as the characters speak about the AIDS crisis, and in the present.

(There is also a supernatural element, as a little treat. For those who enjoyed The Magnus Archives I can describe it as the lonely meets the corruption meets the end and the spiral. Yes, it's a lot. But if you know you know.)

I sobbed through the entire thing. So have tissues ready. Or maybe I'm just sensitive, who knows. As a lesbian who's never been in a relationship, I related to Adam... The fear of never finding love is to many queer people, unfortunately, unavoidable. And if you do, you think you have to cling to it with all you have and never let go. Even if it ruins you.

As I've stated before, this is a heavy film, so if you think any of the aforementioned topics could trigger you, don't watch it. If you don't think it will bother you, go for it. For the beautiful shots and music at least.

I'm planning on watching it again next week, so if my opinion changes I'll update this post and let you know. Art changes with us and sometimes time away from it can change your opinion.

Anyway, if anyone did watch the movie and wants to chat, or if you want to ask for more specific CW or TW write a comment :)

[solradguy]

Hi, hope you're doing alright and your time is well!

This is an entirely non-GG question about translation of a different project, I'd like to commission somebody to translate a pretty obscure OVA and I was wondering if you know who I can approach for both transcription and translation I've recently got really inspired by an animation project Bibliomania from 2013 - it's not very accessible on the English speaking net, with only available ways to watch it being either ordering a DVD from Japan or the singular YouTube upload that exists of it (bless that person), I personally haven't managed to find it on any torrent aggregator or other pirated source.

I wanted to preserve it and make sure there will be more ways to find it online if it gets lost off YouTube, so I've got the DVD on the way, but I never found any translation of it and sadly I'm not yet fluent in Japanese enough. There was a manga adaptation of the animation serialized between 2016-2018 which was translated into English, so I have understood the gist of the story and the main beats but still would love to appreciate the work more deeply (at least until my Japanese catches up haha, I sadly cannot even fulfill the transcription part of the translation)

If you know anyone that you would recommend approaching, it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time <3

Oh wow this sounds awesome!! Kudos to you for hunting this thing down and wanting to bring it into the English-speaking world.

Transcribing and then translating an entire movie is a hell of a lot of work, so commissioning someone to do it may end up being kind of expensive. You probably already know/figured that would be the case but I wanted to mention it anyway so you can brace for monetary impact ahaha If the DVD has Japanese subtitles though, that'll help a TON. Fingers crossed for that.

Unfortunately, none of us in the Guilty Gear spheres have really had the budget to commission professionals to do any of the transcriptions/translations that are out there right now, but Vaporbabe (ShimoBabe @ Twitter) IS a professional translator and did the latest Night of Knives transcriptions and translations. Contacting him would probably be a good place to start for finding a reliable translator for this project. He may be open to the idea of doing it himself too, but I'd approach him assuming he won't just because it's gonna be a big project he might not have time for.

You could also try reaching out on the r/translator subreddit and they may be able to redirect you towards a professional service or maybe even someone there will be down for doing this project (especially since it's a paid one). I'd be careful to make sure they have some kind of like résumé or something first though, I'd feel really bad if you took my advice and then got scammed ^^;;

If the DVD does have Japanese subtitles I may be able to help with this too. But I have to be honest with the fact that my Japanese auditory skills aren't the greatest and I may not be able to deliver as good a quality translation as a professional recommended by either Vaporbabe or someone on r/translator.

Sorry I don't have anything more specific to give you, but I hope either of these suggestions ends up leading somewhere useful. If you're able to get this translated I'd love to give it a shoutout/boost; the art style is super unique and the premise sounds like something people that're into the weirder/more fantasy-leaning side of Guilty Gear might enjoy.

Good luck!!

[ilovescaredysquirrel2]

Disney's going downhill again (kinda happy ngl)

Should I really be happy about this? I mean, people are going to start turning to the underrated non-Disney media now that the world's most overrated company is going downhill again after Inside Out 2 brought them back up with a few months of hype.

First, let's talk about the live action Snow White remake. As someone who hates the "original" movie from 1937 (I say original in quotation marks because there's so many Snow white adaptations throughout the years). I just don't like the old animated Disney version, no matter how much someone will argue with me. Yes, I seen it but I have not grown up with it. I understand it's hard for someone to hate it if they grew up enjoying it, which I don't understand how they could because there's so many things in it that would scare the kids, and also... Snow white is a teen and the prince is a grown man! You can clearly tell just by looking at the designs. Nothing wrong with Snow white as a character but I heard they were originally going to make her look different but changed it to her current design because they didn't want her looking "too mature" which is freaking gross. I mean, it's from 1937 and it was legal and apparently normal for grown men to be attracted to underage girls and marry them... but doesn't that make you want to watch the movie less? Like, it's not the Victorian era anymore so why are we watching movies from back then? I don't mind that they remade Snow White and the seven dwarves, it doesn't look that good anyway. However I'm still not hating on the live action remake as much as I hate on the original. Who needs the problematic Disney versions when we have Red Shoes & the seven dwarves, and Mirror Mirror? Heck, I'd even watch the Super Why version over the 90 year old cartoon Disney one.

Now my rant on Disney's Snow white is done, let's get Decendants (or is it Decendents? whatever) out of the way. The Decendants franchise is basically an Ever After High knock off, just as the first Toy Story is a Knock off of Raggedy Ann & Andy Musical Adventure. Regardless if you like Decendants or Toy Story, we can still acknowledge that originals existed before the Disney versions. Disney DOES make knock offs, you know. The Wild is an obvious knock off of the first Madagascar movie. Everybody's saying how bad the "Jaladdin" song is in the new Decendants movie but I saw a video by The Artistic Aloubell on YouTube and she explained how another song in the movie had a very bad message (I'm not sure if I should post a link to her video in post, but I'll post it in the comments if someone asks for it). The song was basically about how being evil is justified if you have a good reason to? I don't know honestly, I'm an adult and I had trouble figuring it out, imagine the children who the movie is meant for, trying to figure out the message. The kids watching Decendants probably think like "Oh the outfits are cool! I like her outfit and her blue hair!" not about the message, but still! At first glance the song seems cute but when that YouTube artist broke down the lyrics and explained it, it wasn't so cute. Everybody was hating on the "Jaladdin" song, though. The Jaladdin song actually made me laugh a little, when I saw the clip. Also, I haven't actually seen any of the Decendants movies so I don't know every single detail, I just know it's basically like Ever After High, they're the sons and daughters of Fairytale characters, that's why they had a goofy song with Aladdin. Also, I thought the "Rise of Red" was going to be Little Red Riding hood's daughter or something, but it's the Queen of Hearts? Wow, what a missed opportunity! (btw I like how they had a tribute to Cameron Boyce, may he rest in peace).

Now let's get to the sequels, after you probably read enough already. Disney doesn't need to make live actions of every movie, but I'm fine with the Snow white one, as i said before (I just wish they didn't cast Rachel Zegler). I think the fact that they're making sequels of everything is worse than live action remakes (however I don't think that Lilo & Stitch or Tangle need live action remakes, since they're not as outdated as Snow White or Cinderella). The Moana sequel doesn't look bad, but it doesn't beat the original movie (even though I think Maui's "You're Welcome" song is so annoying). I can tell that some of the animation doesn't look as detailed and well-rendered as the original did, plus they got the culture down to the T in the original. The sequel doesn't really display that, plus it looks like there's more action and less heart warming story than the original. Something about the trailer felt a bit off, but it doesn't look bad. Zootopia, sequel is where I get really pissed off though. Disney's like "Oh no! we're losing all our gay furry audience now that Zootopia is old news! Let's bring it back so they can fall back in love with their dream crush, Nick Wilde!" and yes, this is coming from someone who hates the original Zootopia for a multitude of reasons. In fact, Zootopia is the only modern Disney movie that I truly despise! Also, why are they making a Toy Story 5? We don't need a 5th Raggedy Ann & Andy knock off!

Anyway, if you came this far, thank you! If you don't agree with me on everything I said, that's fine but I hope I gave valid points. If not, feel free to argue with me in the comments! You don't have to always agree with me, let me know if you do or don't. PLEASE CHAT WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS!

[goldensmilingbird]

🌻

Alright, I'm gonna tell you about a random fixation I had.

So there are these movies, White Snake and Green Snake (or White Snake 2: The Tribulation of the Green Snake in Chinese), made by Light Chaser Animation studio that wants to create their own Chinese mythology animated universe (I haven't watched their other movies but they're not relevant here).

So the first movie is an adaptation of White Snake legend, a love story between a human named Xu Xian and a white snake spirit named Bai Suzhen. From what I read, it's one of the most widely adapted chinese legends and is considered one of China's Great Four Folktales. And that movie did well. I stumbled onto it by chance and I enjoyed it but didn't think much of it.

But the second movie... It just goes into completely different direction. Love story in ancient China? Nope, now it's about White Snake's sworn sister Green Snake trying to get back to her and get out of post-apocalyptic, Mad Max-like city that's ruled by gangs and constantly getting destroyed and where people get sent because they can't let go of their obsessions and reincarnate (and White Snake is her obsession). Green Snake doesn't want to let go of it, so she tries to find another way. I loved this movie (though I had to watch it in two sittings because it's over two hours long).

What's confusing is that in Netflix translation the snakes are just called sisters (leading to me and other people thinking they're blood-related), so when I finished watching the second movie I was like "this is one of the gayest things I've ever seen, how is it between two sisters". I looked it up and found out they're not actually related and that there's a whole history of people taking this story and making it sapphic in some way. Like one of the tv show adaptations having a woman play the male love interest, or the live action Green Snake movie based on a novel getting kinda homoerotic with it, or people just making cosplays and art and stuff shipping the two snakes. Here is an interesting paper I found about it.

And here is an example of the stuff people make (I would definitely watch it if it was turned into a short series or smth like that).

Anyway, one day in February I just randomly remembered this movie and got a bit obsessed with finding out more about Green Snake. I read the plot of the original legend which explained some stuff like the monk trapping White Snake under the pagoda. I watched the live action movie, and it was beautiful and interesting and strange. Green Snake is pretty different in every adaptation I've seen but I love her anyway. Here, she is curious about what love is and whether she can feel it, and she even tries to seduce the monk who sworn off these kind of feelings and says to him "it's pity that you and I don't have human emotions". I can see this version of her through aromantic lens as well. I tried to find the novel but sadly, I don't think it was translated. I only found an app that allows me to read it in chinese.

I have a whole folder with screenshots. Look at her, she's beautiful 💖

I also found there was a White Snake story in a dress up game called Time Princess where you visit different stories and unlock outfits, and I started watching a gameplay of it on Youtube but haven't finished because my fixation ended as randomly as it started. But the story is about the snakes running an apothecary in order to earn enough good deeds to become immortal while Xu Xian is running a rival apothecary and people are starting to suspect the girls aren't human. And the art for this game is really pretty.

Also I forgot to mention that at least in one of the versions of the legend I've seen Green Snake was originally male and decided to become a woman to stay by White's side after being saved by her, and some people interpret her as trans because of that.

Anyway, I love how entertwined they are, but I'm also sad because the legend is about White Snake falling in love with a human, and because of that they can't be together 😔The third and final movie will come out this August and looks like it will focus more on the original myth again and probably won't have much of my girl Green Snake. Still, I might watch it.

I don't know how to finish this post so here are some beautiful figures and dolls of them I found (which I'd be tempted to buy if they weren't so expensive)

(Chinese mutuals, please, feel free to correct me if I got things wrong or misremembered something)

[miiilowo]

mm currently looking for horror movies that aren't Annabelle, chucky, it, etc.. cause I'm gonna write a horror genre for my ocs and I need more inspo

And to just scare myself for fun :P

Feel free to throw me any horror (even better if it has some hints of comedy)

I'll try to hit a couple different genres if you're lookin for inspiration ^_^ I always recommend behind the mask: the rise of leslie vernon any time someone sends me one of these asks because it's Good. It's more comedy than horror but it's very good. mockumentary about this dude who wants to be the next big slasher who invites a film crew to document his process. Really cool thing in the third act that I won't spoil but it's there 👍hits both found footage and slashers in terms of genre . I'd also recommend scream for slashers just because. Well. It's scream. It's good man

The Ritual is one of my favorites as well. Bunch of guys get lost hiking in the woods. Horrific shit ensues. Monster is concealed almost entirely throughout the movie and it makes it uniquely scary. i enjoy it. its supernatural folk horror

I'd recommend Re-animator + Bride of Re-animator (there is sexual assault in the first one that's pretty brutal though as a warning) because not only are they a bit unsettling with all the body horror and what not, it's also so over the top and insane that it loops back around to being funny again. It's sort of a dark comedy at times more than anything else, especially in bride. They also have really strong characters and the movies are mostly fueled by that over the pure spectacle that is happening which could be helpful. It's technically adapted from a Lovecraft story but hits frankenstein parody beats more so

There is of course always The Thing (80s one) if you haven't seen it already !!!! It's considered one of the best horror movies of all time for a reason and is probably my favorite generally speaking. It's got mystery it's got an alien monster it's got blood and gore. It's antarctic among us I guess if you want a point to relate it to (the thing was one of the main inspirations for that game)

Cabin in the woods (2011) isn't the Best Movie Of All Time by any means like some people say but it's unique and I refuse to explain why because it would spoil the whole thang, but trust me. Okay. Trust me. It's kind of horror Everything. If you want inspiration and a little bit of comedy it's definitely definitely in there

A lot of my personal joy is derived from when horror movies are just like not very good. Or easy to make fun of. So. Jeepers creepers, grave encounters, almost all of the paranormal activity series, any of the Trolls movies for SURE. the list goes on. I personally would recommend looking up "horror movie playlist" on YouTube, finding one that looks mildly interesting, checking it's IMDB page and sitting down to watch it with a friend. This is a time honored tradition of mine

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame has been one of my favorite movies since I was a child. I still have the Quasimodo doll I carried around everywhere with me. Even though it is one of the darkest Disney movies, I've always loved the music, the story, and of course the main character Quasimodo.

As an adult I have had the opportunity to watch the live stage production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. When adapting the script for the stage the plot was change to be more like the original novel by Victor Hugo. The silly songs the gargoyle characters sang were taken out, Frollo was made into a much more complex and interesting villain, and the ending is not as idealistic. When leaving the theater I heard plenty of comments that the play version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame isn't anywhere near as child friendly as the animated movie is.

I realized while watching the play that this story is like bookends for the most traumatic years of my life. When I first watched the animated movie I had no idea that there would be so many parallels between my relationship with my own father and the relationship Quasimodo has with Frollo. When I watched the stage play as an adult it was after my lifelong battle against my father was over, because my father had recently passed away due to health issues, and the play put a lot of what I had been through into a new perspective for me. The Hunchback of Notre Dame has always been a story I related to and revisited frequently, but it wasn't until I watched the live musical that I understood for the first time how horrible growing up with a narcissistic father truly is. And it made sense why no one believes that I've lived through what I have.

I'm not sure if what I've written here will make sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with The Hunchback of Notre Dame. If you haven't watched the Disney movie, seen the musical version, or read Notre Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo, the novel the movie and play are based on, then I would recommend reading or watching any of them. I've done my best to put my experience into words honestly and clearly, so I hope that it will make sense even if you are unfamiliar with the story of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I hope that by explaining how I relate to specific lines and songs from The Hunchback of Notre Dame musical that I can more easily explain what I've lived through. It's difficult to put into words what having a narcissistic parent is like and the trauma I live with because of it. The few times I've tried to explain it the other person thought I was exaggerating or making it up. When I was in counseling my therapist didn't realize the situation was as bad as I said it was until we had a few sessions with my father in the room. After that I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and severe anxiety. And the fact that I'm autistic makes everything that much more difficult for me to deal with and process, and it also made my father treat me that much worse. I'm not exaggerating when I say that my father treated me in a way that is very similar to how Frollo treated Quasimodo. I hope that by comparing my life with the play The Hunchback of Notre Dame I will be able to convey what I want to in a way that is more understandable to people who haven't lived it. And I don't have anyone who would listen to me talk about this in my personal life, so I hope it is okay for me to write out my thoughts here.

I also want to preface this by saying that I do not in any way think individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are monsters. Everyone is capable of being cruel and we all make mistakes. But in my experience people use personality disorders as a way to excuse abusive behavior. Abuse is still abuse, no matter who does it. People in the past have liked to tell me that I am also responsible the poor relationship between me and my father, and many of my family and friends have accused me of causing it. It took me years to figure out that as a child I didn't do anything to cause my father to be emotionally abusive to me. Yes, I'm not perfect and I could have responded better in a lot of ways, but I was also a child figuring out how to protect myself and understand why my dad was treating me the way he did. As a teenager when I was fighting back and trying to distance myself from him I was told constantly that I had to "love him through it" as if it was my responsibility as the child to accept and love my father even though he was emotionally abusing me constantly. So while I'm not in any way saying that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are terrible people, I also want to convey what I experienced as honestly as I can. I am only talking about my experience with my own father, nothing more.

The Bells of Notre Dame (at 5:44)

Frollo: Oh Lord, you have sent me a test. This child is my cross to bear. ... See this loathsome creature from whom lesser men would flee, I will keep and care for him and teach him at my knee to think like me.

Sam Vaknin, a professor of psychology who has done a lot of work on narcissistic personality disorder, described narcissism as a religion in which the narcissistic individual is both the god and the sole worshiper. In my mom's words, my narcissistic father always had to be the smartest person in the room. He didn't think that anyone else was smart enough, talented enough, or good enough on their own and that everyone needed him to guide them down the right path. And because I grew up in a religious family that belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints (or the LDS church), I was taught my entire life that my father is the patriarch of the family, that he received revelation from God for the good of the family, and that I needed to honor and obey my father because that's what God wanted me to do. In a literal sense, I grew up believing that if I disobeyed my father I was sinning and that idea was heavily reinforced at home and at church, where my father held a variety of leadership positions throughout his life.

Frollo's line, "See this loathsome creature from whom lesser men would flee, I will keep and care for him and teach him at my knee to think like me," gives me chills every time I hear it. This is exactly how my father thought of me. He told me constantly how weird I was and that I had to listen to and obey everything he said or else no one would love me. He viewed me being autistic as being a mentally deformed monster and it was his job as my father to fix me and make me normal. Normal meaning to think and act exactly how he wanted me to. And because my father thought of himself as being on the same level as God he also believed it was okay to punish me when I disobeyed.

Out There (at 0:47)

Frollo: You are deformed and you are ugly. And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity. You do not comprehend. Out there they'll revile you as a monster. Out there they will hate and scorn and jeer. ... be faithful to me, grateful to me. Do as I say. Obey, and stay in here.

I've always been hyperaware of rules and I do everything I can to follow them. I was also aware from a young age that my father's love was conditional, so I tried desperately to do what he asked. What child doesn't want their father to love them? Of course I wanted to be a good daughter. Of course I thought my father loved me and wanted what was best for me. In that sense I was very much like Quasimodo. I didn't know any different so I wasn't aware that what my father asked me to do was very controlling and selfish on his part. I didn't know that he was essentially brainwashing me to think my father was on a pedestal while I was a monster who needed his guidance in order to find salvation. I was told constantly that if I talked about my interests I wouldn't have any friends, if I told my sisters to follow the rules that I was being tyrannical and mean, if I didn't have milk on my cereal then I wasn't normal and everyone would think I was weird, if I didn't do everything my father said then I was an ungrateful child.

Even though my father is dead, I still have his voice essentially programmed into my subconscious. He is still there telling me how unlovable I am, that I'm incapable of loving others, I'm selfish, ungrateful, annoying, weird, etc. My first instinct is to blame myself for anything that goes wrong because that's what my father would do. And he had convinced everyone in the family, at church, and in the community that I was all those things. He was a religious leader and he acted the part of the perfect father for everyone else. None of them knew how emotionally abusive he was at home. And if my sisters would agree with him then he would reward them generously, so they went along with everything he said. My sisters' friends all thought I was mentally unstable, angry, and hateful. But in reality the people who knew me but didn't know my father thought I was kind, intelligent, patient, loving, and that I was too hard on myself. My mom and counselors have reassured me that I'm the opposite of what my father said I was.

I didn't realize until I was an adult that the reason people viewed me as weird and selfish wasn't because of who I was or what I did, but because my father convinced everyone that was what I was. My father was the one who saw me as a monster. Just like how in The Hunchback of Notre Dame the character Frollo raises Quasimodo to believe that he is deformed, ugly, and that he needs Frollo to teach him and protect him. I believed for most of my life that my father was right, I was weird and unlovable, and that I had to be better in order to deserve love and kindness. The difference between my life and Quasimodo's is that my father didn't want to hide me away. My father wanted me to do and say things that made him look good. He wanted to be able to brag to others about all the good things I did in public while telling me I still wasn't doing good enough in private. I had to act the part of his perfect daughter everywhere I went. I wasn't allowed to be myself because I wasn't good enough in his eyes.

My relationship with my father changed drastically when we were in public. When other people could see us my father would compliment me, smile, joke, buy me things, brag about me, etc. But at home he wouldn't listen to a word I said, blamed me for everything, never said a kind word about me that wasn't a backhanded compliment, punished me severely for the most insignificant things, etc. Here are just a few examples:

I told my father the same thing about my day five times while he was "listening" to me and playing a video game at the same time but he didn't notice, which proved he wasn't listening at all.

My sister came home late from hanging out with her friends and my father got mad at me, saying that if I was a better older sister she wouldn't have rebelled and disobeyed him.

My sister and I got into a little fight over whose turn it was to do their hair in the bathroom we shared and my sister threw the blow-dryer at my head. I had to do my hair in my room from then on, and my father made me use my first paycheck from my first job to buy my sister a new blow-dryer, shampoo, conditioner, and anything else she said I had "ruined" by using (even though I had never used any of them).

I was banned from talking whenever my sisters were in the room. At family dinner I tried to ask my mom to pass something down the table to me and immediately my father and sisters got after me for talking. Later in counseling my father insisted he had to ban me from speaking because he had to "protect my sisters from being bored." Everything I had to say was viewed as boring and worthless, so he saw nothing wrong with silencing me completely.

When I got my drivers license it became my job to drive my sister to school. My sister was always late to everything, which made me late for class every day. I was an honors student, had a near perfect GPA, and I was proud of how well I did in school. But after my sister started making me late people thought I was slacking off and didn't view me the same way. When I threated to leave my sister if she wasn't ready on time one day my father yelled at me, told me I was a horrible example, accused me of being mentally unstable, and said he would take my keys away and make me ride the bus if I ever left without my sister. So until my sister was old enough to dive (two years later) I was late to school every day.

I hate drinking milk, and I didn't put milk on my cereal. My father thought that was unforgivable and forced me to sit at the table and eat a bowl of cereal with milk until every drop was gone because "it's not normal, and people would tease me" if I ate my cereal without milk. I have never eaten breakfast cereal again, and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I found out later that I'm lactose intolerant and that is why I didn't like milk.

I didn't make my father feel like I was grateful enough for him "allowing my mom to take me to lunch," so he threatened to never let me see my mom again. He admitted constantly that he was jealous that my mom and I were close and he did everything he could to keep my mom from spending time with me. He thought it was incredibly magnanimous of him to allow my mom to take me to lunch once a week. And when he would go on vacations with my mom, and they were on vacation roughly four months out of the year, he would be very angry when my mom and I would talk on the phone. My father thought my mom needed to pay attention to only him because they were married.

One year on my birthday, I went through a type of coming of age ceremony in the LDS church called an Endowment. It involves a lot of specific actions and procedures that you aren't allowed to talk about outside of an LDS temple, so everything was new to me. I get very nervous doing new things in front of people, one of my autistic traits, so I wanted to only have my mom with me when I did my Endowment. My bishop and therapist, who is also LDS, were very supportive. My father, however, was upset that I didn't want to have everyone in the family and people from church there. The week before my we had a counseling session with my therapist where he encouraged my father to be supportive and make the day what I wanted it to be since it was a big milestone in my life and it was my birthday. Instead, my father complained to the entire family that I was excluding him and told everyone how hurt he was by my selfishness. I have an hour long recording of one phone call where my father is berating my mother, saying that if she had forced me to do everything his way that the family wouldn't have been torn apart by me going through a religious ceremony. It has been five years since then and my extended family still has never talked to me since, not even at my father's funeral. This is also one of the big reasons why I am no longer a member of the LDS church.

Listing these things out makes me scared that people will think I'm too sensitive and that I'm overreacting. Nothing in this list seems bad enough on its own to cause the kind of trauma response I experience while thinking about them. But whenever I was with my father these kinds of things would happen constantly. The only break I got was when my father was out of the house. I had a wonderful childhood until I was about eight years old, and I wondered for years about what I did wrong to make my father treat me so much worse after that. But I realized that I didn't change, the situation did. When I was really little my father was so busy making a name for himself at work, at church, and in the community that he was rarely ever home. That is why there were no problems and I wasn't a "bad daughter" until I was eight and my father started to spend more time at home. From then on I lived with constant emotional abuse from my father, and that is why I have PTSD now.

When learning more about narcissistic abuse I came across a video by Sam Vaknin that where he explains: "The narcissist wants you dead. He wants you dead because he is already dead. ... The narcissist wants you to join him there, and to do that he needs to kill you. I'm sorry to break the news to you. He needs to break your spirit. He needs to destroy what some of you call the 'soul.'" What makes me who I am, or my 'true self' if you want to call it that, was something my father viewed to be wrong and threatening. Everything that made me who I am and not who my father thought I should be, and he wanted me to be another version of himself, my father did everything he could to destroy. That's why I have been diagnosed with PTSD; I spent most of my life fighting a war against my father and everyone he brought to his side. I was fighting to preserve myself. I was fighting to be an individual and to be recognized for who I really am and not all the lies my father spread about me. I grew up thinking that emotional abuse was normal. Emotional extortion and manipulation were constantly part of my life.

Heaven's Light (at 0:43)

Quasimodo: I knew I'd never know that warm and loving glow, though I might wish with all my might. No face as hideous as my face was ever meant for heaven's light.

This song always makes me cry. I was envious of Quasimodo the first time I heard this song live. By the time I was an adult I didn't hope that anyone could love me anymore. I still feel like I'm too weird for anyone to love me. Who would want someone who is autistic, has PTSD, is depressed, and has severe social anxiety? If I wasn't the monster my father thought I was then he'd turned me into a different kind of monster. I wish I could be as hopeful as Quasimodo and be able to hope that someone I admired could love me back in some way. I remind myself all the time that I'm not really that hopeless, that there are a few people who care about me. But it takes a lot for me to believe that someone thinks I'm a good person or would want to listen to and spend time with me.

Hellfire (0:50)

Frollo: Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous man. Of my virtue, I am justly proud ... Beata Maria, you know I'm so much purer than the common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd ...

Hellfire (2:00)

Frollo: It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. ... It's not my fault if in God's plan, he made the devil so much strong than the man. ... Now gypsy, it's your turn. Choose me or your pyre. Be mine or you will burn ...

Frollo makes it very clear that he thinks he is better than everyone else because of how righteous he is and his position as the Archdeacon. He considers his word to be the word of God, and if people do not listen to him then they are wicked and deserve to be punished. In Frollo's mind he can do nothing wrong, every action of his is justified, and because he thinks of himself as a spiritual giant if he can't resist temptation then that means no one can. This song is very dark, especially for a Disney movie or musical. If you didn't think Frollo was evil before you definitely would at this point in the story.

In the LDS church they teach that before we were born we lived in with God, and in God's plan he needed someone to be a savior to the world and atone for everyone's sins. Satan wanted to force everyone to do what is right so there would be no sin, but Jesus Christ volunteered to atone for everyone's sins so we could repent and be saved. Satan's plan would have taken away our agency to choose for ourselves and learn from our mistakes, which is seen as evil in the LDS church. Taking away someone's right to choose for themselves would be what the devils wants, not what God wants.

Now this is where it becomes obvious how hypocritical my father could be. He prided himself on his church callings, being a priesthood holder, and loving his religion. But at the same time he insisted that he, as the patriarch of the family, knew what was best and we all had to do everything he said and accept what he said without question. Essentially, he was so controlling he wanted to take away any choices we had to make, from major life decisions to something as simple as whether or not I wanted to have cereal with or without milk. When I told my mom that I thought my father's controlling tendencies were following Satan's plan she confided in me that she had thought the same thing for years, but she didn't want to say anything and make us children think poorly of our father.

My father would also never admit to being wrong. He could be caught red handed and still insist that he didn't do it. One of his favorite phrases was, "It wasn't my intention to do that." He thought that if he claimed to have good intentions that he wasn't responsible for the results if they were bad. Even when he did something as obviously abusive as banning me from talking, to his dying day he never once thought that was wrong. And in counseling when it was brought up that his actions had caused me to be scare to talk about myself and open up to other my father acted like it was better if I was scared to talk. If the result was what he wanted he saw nothing wrong with it, and if I went against him by talking about my interests with anyone then I deserved to be punished. And the punishments were always severe. Just for talking when my father thought I should have been silent he tried to take away my phone, my car, keep me from going to extra curricular activities, and when I was an adult and he couldn't hold those things over my head anymore he would threaten to never let me see my mom. Luckily my mom was better at establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries, because she stood up for me and wouldn't let my father keep her from doing what she needed to as my mother.

Made of Stone (at 2:55)

Quasimodo: And now I'm on my own, never again to wonder what's 'out there.' Let me remain unknown and my one human eye will evermore be dry until the day I die, as if I were made of stone!

This song is a new addition to the musical, so people who are only familiar with the animated movie will not be familiar with it. If I had heard this song as a child I would have been too innocent and inexperienced to relate to Quasimodo. After being pushed so far and living through hell long enough you lose hope. Feelings and hopes don't serve any purpose anymore other than to remind you of what you cannot have. When you are in the depths of despair and there is nothing you can do to climb out of the emotional pit you find yourself in, what other options are there than to become numb and unresponsive as if you were made of stone? As an adult sitting in the theater listening to this song for the first time, I related so much to how Quasimodo feels that it took everything I had to keep from bursting into tears. When I got home I cried for hours because I finally realized that the character I've loved for as long as I can remember is more like me than I ever wanted to admit.

There is a method that victims of narcissistic abuse use to protect themselves called "the grey rock method." Essentially, if you don't react then the narcissist doesn't have anything to react to either. By showing no emotional, avoiding eye contact (which is natural for me because of my autism), and giving short answers or no answer at all you don't give the other person any fuel for their fire. It is like you are made of stone. And eventually, after grey rocking for long enough, you do stop to feel emotion in those situations. For about the last five years that my father was alive, I had gotten to the point where either I felt absolutely nothing at all when he was around and acted like a statue whenever he was in the room, or I would be so angry and emotionally volatile that I didn't even recognize myself. Most people who know me are shocked that I can even get angry, and when I do get a little mad my coworkers think it's a little comical because it is so unlike me. But the last argument I had with my father it got so heated that I started to literally look for a giant rock to bash his head in with. I scared myself so badly at that point that I turned off my emotions completely, walked away, and never spoke to my father again.

You can't change a narcissist. There is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder. And while I know that my father was sick and had no control over how his brain worked, similar to how I can't cure autism in myself, interacting with my father in a healthy was was too difficult for me to achieve. While in counseling, it became clear that my role as a child made it practically impossible for me to set healthy boundaries with my father. He never listened to me or considered anything that came from me to be valid or important. He blamed me for everything, no matter how little sense it made to do so. He wouldn't even pretend for the counselor anymore that he wanted what was best for me. I realized he didn't care about me the moment he insisted that banning me from speaking for years was the right thing to do because he felt he had to protect my sister from me saying something that might be boring to them.

In counseling I mourned the relationship I thought I had with my father. I realized he had never been capable of loving me from the beginning. The reason I have a hard time loving myself and knowing who I really am is because my father taught me that I was some kind of monster. So six months ago when my father died I didn't have anything left to mourn. When he died my biggest worry was that I would be too happy at his funeral. For me the lifelong war I had exhausted myself fighting was over. It was a war no one could win and everyone involved was a casualty of. All I could hope to achieve was to not let my father destroy who I am. I don't think I succeeded completely, but now that he is dead I have been able to start recovering from the abuse he put me and my family through. Life has been so much better without him.

Like I mentioned before, I still have my father's voice in my head telling me horrible things about myself over and over. Now that my father is gone there is no one here to tell me it is wrong for me to be myself, which is much more freeing than I anticipated it would be. I'm learning more about parenting my inner child. I'm studying Taoism and learning about how to live in a calmer way and how to discover and accept my true self. I'm no longer part of the religion I grew up in that I've realized encouraged the narcissistic abuse (I realize that wasn't the LDS Church's intention, but that doesn't change the fact that the religious culture gave my father justification for abusing his family).

Finale (From 12:48-13:42)

But here is a riddle to guess if you can sing the bells of Notre Dame: What makes a monster and what makes a man?

This is a riddle I'm still trying to solve in my own life. By the end of the musical it should be obvious that the seemingly righteous Frollo was the true monster all along and that Quasimodo who looked deformed on the outside was far more compassionate and admirable than Frollo ever was. I wish my life was as easy to understand as that. But people are more complex than even stories and classic literature like Notre Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo makes them out to be. I can't simply classify my father as a villain and myself as the hero. I don't want to be stuck in a victim mentality anyway because it wouldn't help me.

Luckily for me, my story didn't end the way the musical version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame did. Instead of being killed like Frollo in the play, thrown by Quasimodo from the top of Notre Dame, my father died from health issues. In the play, Quasimodo watched Esmerelda die and hides with her body. Years later his skeleton is found embracing Esmeralda's skeleton. In my story me and my mom survived and we have the chance to start over and be who we want to be for the rest of our lives.

I would never say that my father was a complete monster, but he definitely felt like the villain in my life. Him suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder does not excuse him abusing others. Narcissism is difficult to understand. I spent most of my life wondering why my father thought the way he did and felt like he was doing everything right when what he was doing was abusive. The more I learned about narcissism the more I realized my mind won't be able to go to the same place my father's did. I will never truly understand him. But I need to understand enough that I can know what is and isn't my own fault. I have a playlist of videos on YouTube with experts on narcissism and narcissistic abuse explaining narcissism and what it is like for victims of narcissistic abuse. I put the playlist together because I don't think people will believe me when I tell them what I am dealing with and what I've lived through. I wanted to have sources from professionals and experts that are easy to understand and access. I wanted to share the link to the playlist in case it is interesting to anyone or if it can be helpful.

My mom made all the difference for my situation. Without her I would have lost myself from the start. She accepted me, my father, and my siblings for who we are and did her best to support and protect every member of the family. My mom is my best friend and the one person I know will always care and do what is best for me. And through the toughest years of my life I was fortunate enough to have a friend here on Tumblr who has helped me more than I can say. Then when my father was dying and I was dealing with emotions, supporting my mom as she was taking care of a dying husband, and coping with everything another online friend reached out and has been here to check on me and help me through it all. At various points in my life I have been able to find the support and kindness I needed to get through. I feel very lucky to have had those people in my life.

I have the rest of my life to figure out "what makes a monster and what makes a man?" The Hunchback of Notre Dame presented that riddle to me as a child in a movie theater and I was still trying to figure out the answers as an adult sitting in a theater watching the musical version of the movie I grew up with. Honestly, I don't think there is one perfect answer to "what makes a monster and what makes a man?" People are too complex for there to be a simple answer, and we are constantly changing. I'm sure I will constantly be learning and finding new perspectives throughout my life that will change what I think the riddle's answer is. I do know for sure that never want to make anyone go through what I experienced because of my father. I don't want to make anyone else feel that they are unloved, unwanted, and monstrous. What I want is to be aware of who I am as a person, how I influence the world around me, and be as compassionate, kind, understanding, and accepting as I can be.