#i also have both ocd and severe health anxiety so I may be freaking out a bit

[dreamingoftinystars]

So this may be too tmi for the internet but how many days late can my period be before I should be concerned

[missmentelle]

Should You Self-Diagnose?

As a mental health worker - and as a Person Who Answers Mental Health Questions on Tumblr - I get a lot of questions about self-diagnosis, or questions from people who have already self-diagnosed. Should you self-diagnose? How valid is self-diagnosis? Can people accurately diagnose their own mental health problems? This is a complicated and emotional issue for a lot of people, and unfortunately there aren’t any hard and fast answers here. There are a lot of personal factors to consider here, and there a pros and cons to self-diagnosing.  So if you’re in a position where you’re thinking about making a self-diagnosis, it’s important to consider:

The Pros:

Sometimes you don’t really have any other choice. A formal psychological diagnosis can only be given by a psychologist or psychiatrist, and not everyone has access to one of those. You might not be able to afford one, there might not be one in your area (especially if you live in a rural area or small town), or you might live in a family or culture that opposes psychology and mental health care. If you know that there is obviously something wrong and you don’t have access to healthcare, self-diagnosis might be the only option you have at the moment. I personally believe that it is healthier to acknowledge the possibility that something is wrong, rather than assume that you are mentally healthy unless definitively proven otherwise.

Some mental illnesses are severely under-recognized and under-diagnosed in certain populations. ADHD and autism are severely under-diagnosed in women. Borderline personality disorder and OCD are probably under-diagnosed in men. Sometimes teachers, parents and school counselors overlook symptoms that they should have noticed, especially if you grew up in a time or place where awareness and acceptance of mental illness was low. Certain communities and populations have a harder time getting recognized than others, and may have to rely more heavily on self-diagnosis until professional awareness improves. 

It can help you seek out social support. Getting support from other people with similar experiences is a really important part of mental health recovery and management; a lack of a formal diagnosis should not hold you back from getting that support. If you feel like your experiences closely mirror depression and you’re interested in joining support groups for people with depression or attending mental health workshops about coping with depression, I don’t think that you should let a lack of formal diagnosis prevent you from doing so. 

The Cons:

You might be wrong. This probably goes without saying, but diagnosis is tricky, and there’s a reason that psychologists and psychiatrists have to go through 9+ years of university and a difficult licensing exam before they’re allowed to do it. Diagnosis is a lot harder than reading a list of symptoms and seeing if you relate to them - “symptoms” of mental illness exist in pretty much everyone, in sub-clinical levels. The line between “healthy but quirky” and “diagnosable” is a hard one to find, especially if you don’t have experience working directly with mentally ill people. It’s possible - if not common - to relate to every single symptom on a symptom checklist and absolutely not have the disorder it’s describing. Most low-energy people are not depressed. Most shy people do not have social anxiety. Most “neat freaks” do not have OCD. Mental illness is the exception, not the norm. If you make a self-diagnosis, it’s important to be open to the possibility that you are wrong about what you have, or about meeting the criteria for a mental illness at all. You would be skeptical about wiring done by a non-electrician or legal advice from a non-lawyer, and you should be equally skeptical about diagnoses coming from a non-professional. 

You might be misdiagnosing a physical health problem and not getting the treatment you need. A lot of serious “physical” health problems can have similar symptoms to “mental health” problems, and self-diagnosing with a mental health issue might prevent you from getting your symptoms investigated by a doctor. Having low energy, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, and sleep issues might be depression, but it could also be sleep apnea, or a problem with your thyroid. A mental health professional is aware of common physical health conditions that can present as mental health problems, and will rule them out before making a final diagnosis. You probably won’t. Deciding that your symptoms are definitely a mental health problem can be dangerous if it discourages you from getting the physical health treatment you need. 

You might build an identity around a serious disorder that you do not have. People can become very attached to their self-diagnoses, to the point that they become openly hostile to mental health professionals who don’t agree with them, or suggest that they are incorrect. This is especially true for personality disorders or very rare disorders, like Schizoid Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder - these disorders tend to have a huge impact on a person’s overall identity and view of themselves, and telling someone that they don’t actually have these disorders can rock their entire worldview. Having self-diagnosed clients (or parents who self-diagnose their children) turn hostile is such a common problem for mental health professionals that we are specifically trained to expect it and deal with it. Some people will “doctor-shop” until they find someone with initials after their name who will back up their self-diagnosis, or they might stop seeking mental health treatment altogether. Both of these options can be dangerous, and lead to seriously negative outcomes. 

Self-diagnosis can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some mental illnesses - again, especially personality disorders or rare disorders - have pretty negative prognoses for most people with the disorder, even if you seek treatment. This can be a big problem when someone incorrectly self-diagnoses and decides for themselves that they are a “lost cause”. A person with perfectly treatable social anxiety might decide that they have schizoid personality disorder and that they are doomed to a life without meaningful relationships. An insecure teenager might decide that they are borderline and absorb a lot of really damaging stereotypes and statistics around that. Even if you correctly diagnose yourself with one of these disorders, it’s incredibly dangerous to conclude that you are “hopeless” - it’s still important to be properly assessed by a mental health professional, receive an individualized treatment program that targets your specific symptom profile, and have an informed conversation about what your prognosis actually is and what kind of supports you might need. A diagnosis in isolation is not the whole story. 

Sometimes self-diagnosis is an attempt to avoid personal responsibility. Most people who self-diagnose are making an honest effort to understand their own mental health in the absence of proper assessment and supports. Sometimes, though, people will turn to a self-diagnosed mental illness to avoid taking responsibility for their own destructive habits. I have worked with people who self-diagnosed with borderline personality to “explain away” their abusive behaviour in relationships, and kids who self-diagnosed as depressed to explain why they struggled to get to school on time. These kinds of self-diagnoses show a serious lack of understanding of how mental illness works, and they aren’t fair to mentally ill people or the people being harmed by the individual’s actions. 

Making “armchair diagnoses” of your friends and family is unfair to them, and can damage your relationships. It is one thing to diagnose yourself. It is another thing to diagnose someone else. A licensed mental health professional cannot diagnose someone they have not personally assessed - it should definitely never be done by a layperson. Diagnosing friends and family can make you dramatically over-pathologize common behavior, spread harmful information about mental health, and cause a lot of resentment among your friends and family. People never want to feel like they are being scrutinized and diagnosed against their will. Telling someone that you are certain they are mentally ill - especially when you don’t have the training to be making that kind of statement - can cause others to distrust you, or make them feel hurt that you see them that way. It’s a situation that can end badly for both of you, and one that’s best avoided. 

In a perfect world, everyone would have easy access to a professional assessment and diagnosis. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, and sometimes people have to make do until they can get access to a professional. As a mental health professional myself, I can’t ethically recommend that you self-diagnose, but I can acknowledge that there are legitimate reasons why someone might need to, and recognize that sometimes, you might not have any other options. I can tell you that if you find yourself in a position where self-diagnosis is your only choice, it’s important to proceed with caution, avoid drawing catastrophic conclusions about yourself, and continue to seek out a professional opinion as soon as you are able to. 

[allisondraste]

Tips for Writing Characters with OCD: OCDos and OCDon’ts

Allison here again, your friendly resident psychologist-in-training, back with another reference for writing characters with mental health disorders.  This time, I am going to be talking about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  In my opinion, aside from PTSD and Schizophrenia, OCD is probably one of the most grossly incorrectly represented of the psychological disorders. As both someone who has dealt with OCD for most of my life, and as someone who has watched others in my family struggle with obsessive-compulsive and related disorders, I feel personally convicted to talk a little bit about what to do when writing a character with OCD and what not to do.

Disclaimer:  As always, it is possible that this post could contain information that is triggering for some readers, so please proceed beyond the cut at your own risk.

What is OCD? 

OCD is a type of thought dysfunction  that is defined by the presence of both obsessions, compulsions, or both.  

Obsessions are repetitive and intrusive thoughts, impulses, or mental images that cause a person considerable anxiety or distress.  People with OCD make active attempts to ignore or suppress such obsessions by replacing them with some other thought or action.

Compulsions are defined as repetitive behaviors or mental acts that a person feels that they must do in response to an obsessive thought or according to rules that they have made for themselves.

Obsessions and/or compulsions often take up so much of a person’s time that they are unable to meet obligations in their lives.  They also tend to cause a significant amount of distress.

Some people with OCD have good insight into their beliefs and fully comprehend and acknowledge that their obsessive beliefs are not true.  However, sometimes OCD can be s severe that a person completely believes that their obsessions are accurate.  This can often make a person seem psychotic or delusional.

Here are some OCD Behaviors:

Washing hands until they have lesions on them because the must be scrubbed exactly 7 times because that is the amount that it takes for them to no longer be contaminated

Burning food on the stove because the bathroom is too dirty and must be cleaned at that very moment

Being late to work due to checking to ensure that every entrance to the house is locked multiple times.

I think the most important thing to note  is that OCD is very serious and that people who suffer from OCD truly believe that they have to engage in a compulsion or in thought avoidance.  It is not just a habit.  It is not just a 

What is OCD not? 

I alluded to this above, but OCD is so often trivialized with depictions of “neat freaks” or people who are very particular about foods that they eat or how they organize their closets.  It is common to see people who are very organized and rigid referred to as “so OCD.”  Other times characters with strong preferences about something will be written to say “I’m sorry.  I’m just so OCD about that.”  OCD is not just being clean and organized.  It is not just being rigid and perfectionistic.  OCD is a serious and impairing mental disorder that makes getting through a typical day very hard sometimes.

Typically the behavior that people describe when they write characters as above is more in line with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is a personality type that is defined by a pervasive pattern of concern with order, perfection, and control.  OCPD is beyond the scope of this post, but if you believe you may actually writing a character with OCPD instead, then I would highly suggest checking that out.

Also, there are some disorders that are very similar to OCD, but have slightly different criteria (i.e. Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Hoarding Disorder, Trichotillomania, Excoriation Disorder, etc.), so it may be important to do some research into those if you are uncertain whether your character’s traits are actually due to OCD.

Can my character with OCD be cured?

In short, yes. OCD is developed and maintained through faulty learning and conditioning regarding a particular thought, stimulus, or set of thoughts/stimuli.  Often, people with OCD who participate in treatment that uses exposure and response prevention (ERP) techniques along with relaxation and mindfulness, are often able to at least manage how much their obsessions and compulsions impact their lives. ERP involves exposing a person to some feared stimulus and keeping them from engaging in the attached compulsion or avoidance tactic.  They are often taught relaxation techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing and mindfulness activities that help them to cope with the distress of exposure.  The theory behind this is that a person cannot feel calm and distressed at the same time.  If they sit with the feared thought or stimuli without compulsing and while engaging in relaxation practices, then their overall level of anxiety should reduce.

It is important to note that OCD symptoms may never completely go away, and OCD may also be more difficult to get rid of in more severe cases. It’s important to consider these things while writing.

TL;DR

OCD is a serious mental health disorder that is impairing and distressing to someone who suffers from it.

OCD is not just being a perfectionist or being organized - please do not trivialize it.

OCD IS NOT AN ADJECTIVE.  It should not be used as a descriptor for a behavior or thought (i.e. OMG that’s so OCD).

People with OCD can have obsessions, compulsions, or both; however it is most likely for a person to experience both.

OCD can dissipate or be ameliorated if a person is exposed to the thing or thought that they fear when they cannot engage in their compulsion.  If they learn ways to relax that is even better.

If you are writing a character with OCD, make sure you read up on similar disorders to make sure that you are not actually describing one of those.

In fact, just research in general.

Thank you all for coming to my TED Talk.  If you have any questions, please let me know.  If you have requests, please let me know.  Otherwise, tune in next time for I shall be discussing the highly prevalent diagnosis of ADHD.

[realtalk-princeton]

how do I deal with food anxiety here? I got used to being able to cook on my own and now with the dining halls, it's only been 2 days but I can't help myself from overeating WAY too much food and I feel absolutely awful. It's hard to express how out of control and disoriented I feel, my body and mind are both freaking out. I know everyone is settling into new routines but I'm scared I'm really losing touch with myself

Response from Limeade:

(Trigger warning: food related, with some mention of weight and ED.) Please do not pay attention to or use this post if you are eating a healthy amount. It is not advice for dieting, but rather for people who feel like they do not have any control over their overeating.

Honestly, it took me way too long to know the various answers to this one, so here’s what I know now, with a few levels of responses. For many people, it gets easier. They get the “freshman fifteen” (which is never actually fifteen and can be a lot less or more) and then kind of get used to the novelty of the dining hall and paying attention to when they’re hungry and full. Some decide they don’t need to eat every food just because they can, since they’re paying for the food no matter what they do and eating more won’t make up for that. Similarly, one of my friends said that the way she sees it is that the unlimited meal plan and many options is to give you the opportunity to eat the foods you like best and feel best eating rather than to have everything, and to give you security that you don’t need to make the tough decision about whether to pay for a meal. Another trick I’ve heard for not eating junk food once you’re full is to think about whether the treat is something you can have another time or if this is the only time you could ever have it. If you could have it another time, then you don’t need to have it right now in order to enjoy it. For other people, these is not so simple to just tell themselves or even if they can tell themselves, they have difficulty controlling their behaviors accordingly. There are a lot of resources out there on intuitive eating, which is sometimes helpful to people who struggle more. But sometimes that’s not enough and it’s still difficult to control, even after several months at school. This can be for a number of reasons: food anxiety (as you say), OCD, EDs, stress/emotional eating, etc. In those cases, there are resources available. The campus has dietitians at UHS (university health services), eating disorder specialists in CPS (Princeton’s center for psychological services), and other CPS counselors (if it’s not an ED but still mental health related). CPS or UHS can also refer you to someone off campus. You might not know right away which type of person is best for you, but they’ll be able to guide you in the right direction (though they may disagree with one another, so you’ll need to think about whose approach speaks most to you).

[galaxy-koi]

-see the uncommon oc asks- 1-50 for your pic, cyn sleet or morning! >;3c

Hey?? How about all three darling??

[[MORE]]

1. A little-known talent of your OC?

Cynthia: One of her proficiencies that gets overlooked is her calligraphy skill. Most people around her see her merely as a lady of brawn, but the skills of keeping a still posture or collected composure in combat helped keep her hand steady while writing.

Sleet: I imagine Human!Sleet is great with a needle! She’ll knit some scarves for everyone when it gets chilly!

Morning: She hums quietly to herself every so often, hoping no one hears her. However, Lichen can hear her velvet voice.

2. What trait does your OC like best about themself? (Eyes, guitar skills, random bird facts, etc)

Cynthia: Definitely her swordsmanship.

Sleet: She appreciates that she’s able to remain kind when the world smacks her in the face.

Morning: Her aesthetics!

3. How many pillows does your OC sleep with?

Cynthia: what’s a pillow. maybe one pillow some nights but some nights her pillow is Nur.

Sleet: She insists that she wants to sleep with one. Slate gives her four.

Morning: She is a pillow princess! She has one of those pillows that you can draw on with the sequins.

4. Is your OC good at keeping secrets?

Cynthia: Yep!

Sleet: She is good at keeping secrets, but that’s because she most likely forgot it.

Morning: She can overshare a lot, and she’ll likely tell secrets if she thinks it’s something too important to not share.

5. Your OC’s worst habit?

Cynthia: Currently, she has a huge insomnia problem thanks to the recent events of the campaign. Also, she doesn’t even want to confront her trauma or anything, and that’s only going to make it worse for her later.

Sleet/Morning: Both of them have the same habit of trusting people too easily and being too kind to everyone. With Morning, she also has a habit of breaking into peer pressure.

6. Does your OC prefer tennis shoes/sneakers or flip flops?

All three of them prefer tennis shoes. This is also because flip flops are worthy of bane to me.

7. What is your OC’s opinion on body modifications?

Cynthia: She probably would modify herself if she could.

Sleet: As long as it’s not impacting one’s health, she’s fine with it!

Morning: She thinks it’s a waste of money.

8. Your OC is given a full-ride scholarship to any college they would want to go to. Where do they go and what do they major in?

Cynthia: She would probably study religion at a quiet college that has a swordsmanship or LARP club.

Sleet: “Any college you say?” Would be her first words. And then she’d research the hell out of medical colleges to find which one lands you a job the most.

Morning: Similar to Sleet, but says “fuck you” and picks the most expensive of the best.

9. What chores does your OC hate the most?

Cynthia: Anything that requires a serious amount of patience or time. She’s an active person, and she can get annoyed if she’s sitting in one spot for hours.

Sleet: She enjoys her chores except vacuuming because it’s loud. She’s overall a clean freak though.

Morning: Taking out the garbage.

10. Would your OC prefer to live in the city, the suburbs, or the country?

All of them would prefer the country! However, they would all have concurring opinions.

Cynthia: She’d pick the country because it would give her a chance to have more manual labor tasks and give her a higher chance of having a backwoods to explore.

Sleet: Sure, she loves talking to and being with people, but she would just want to live on the prairie in a cottage. The vastness of the land, possibly some trails to hike, and raising farm animals would be her dream.

Morning: For the aesthetics. Also where else is she going to hide away with Lyra once she has the money to retire?

11. Is your OC a blanket hog?

Cynthia: Yes!

Sleet: She shares the blanket.

Morning: She feels bad whenever she wakes up with all of the blankets on her like a burrito.

12. Would your OC play by the rules in a fight or take cheap shots?

Cynthia and Sleet play by the rules, but Morning may take cheap shots if she dislikes someone enough.

13. Does your OC have a widow ’s peak?

Cynthia: nope!

Sleet: a small one!

Morning: nope!

14. Happy birthday! What kind of present would your OC want?

Cynthia: (obviously Mordecai to be alive. /s) She just wants a day that nothing hellish happens at this point.

Sleet: To be surrounded by friends!

Morning: Some time with Lyra!

15. Something that grosses your OC out?

Cynthia: She is really starting to get grossed out by tentacles. It just be like that when you’re getting nearly killed by them every month or so.

Sleet/Morning: men who don’t wear deodorant

16. Your OC is suddenly on an adventure! Where do they go and what do they do?

Cynthia: points towards canon

Sleet: hiking! lots of hiking. preferably on a good meadowy mountain.

Morning: time for some camping in the middle of the woods and creeping out her girlfriend with spooky stories!

17. Is there a real person that looks like your OC?

Cynthia: Not really! First of all, she’s an angel, and secondly, her skin and hair color are so much of an ethnic mix that I’m unsure if it can even happen in humans!

Sleet: I actually think of one of my childhood friend’s moms but with longer hair whenever I think of Sleet!

Morning: Not that I know of, but there’s probably some cute lady out there who does!

18. Something that makes your OC laugh without fail?

Cynthia: Remembering some of the hilarious conversations between her and Mordecai when he trained her! “First of all, fuck stealth” is one of the main ones.

Sleet: She doesn’t quite laugh easily, but whenever Slate gets a bit too clumsy she can’t help but to laugh a bit. She makes sure Slate is okay though first.

Morning: Lyra telling her jokes and memes

19. Something that makes your OC cry without fail?

Cynthia: She is more of an angry crier, but anytime any of her crew gets severely injuried she cries. Also, any time she remembers a softer moment in her life, she can’t help but to cry because she misses those moments dearly. She tries to make it not look like she’s crying and holds back tears, but she can break easily.

Sleet/Morning: Whenever their significant other gets hurt or similar happens to them! And also animated films.

20. A obscure/ridiculous fear your OC has?

Cynthia: Most of her fears are justified, but probably her most obscure fear is running out of ink on her pen and not being able to write.

Sleet: She’s a little bit of a germaphobe from all of her years in the medical field.

Morning: Morning is pretty fearless, but she is deeply afraid of wandering around on the internet and accidentally finding some weird kink stuff or hentai.

21. Does your OC have any type of disability, whether it be mental, physical, etc?

Every one of my OCs have some sort of disability or I purposely make them unlikable. However, they tend to be more of mental disabilities than physical ones! I should definitely make some OCs with physical disabilities too!

Cynthia: Anxiety, insomnia, depression, and literally has so many concussions that she’s probably got some brain damage. While not a disability, I’ll throw in here that she has major scars on her right shoulder and, in AAF, grey scars on her left side.

Sleet: OCD, Autism, ADD.

Morning: Anxiety, RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), prone to addiction.

22. Does your OC get frustrated when people forget to close the door behind themselves?

Cynthia: no

Sleet: yes

Morning: no

23. What is your OC’s first memory?

Cynthia: The earliest memory she can recall was a simple day with her original family. It was a very happy day because there was a huge feast that day, and no major arguments broke out. She assumes she was about three or four years old at the time.

Sleet: Sleet’s mother reading a book to baby Sleet! She remembered her mother reading a bunch of dots on the page and being amazed that her mother could make words from it. Her mother grabbed Sleet’s hand at one point and let her feel the words as her mom read them out loud.

Morning: She was walking through a huge city while holding her stuffed cat plush! She was very nervous, but her parents made her comfortable by keeping an arm on her shoulders while she held her plush.

24. Something you like that your OC would hate?

Cynthia: Honestly? If Cynthia met me in person she would absolutely pummel me into the ground. But unlike her, I like waiting around sometimes and looking around for small details!

Sleet: I like a lot of mess sometimes! She doesn’t.

Morning: Being the aesthetic person she is, she wouldn’t like my wardrobe of just T-shirts ahahaha

25. Your OC is going into battle/on a mission! What song is their anthem?

Cynthia: aggressively points to canon and then kindly says that I want to make her a battle theme myself at some point!

Sleet: If she’s going on a mission of any sort, she’d put on some ambience music. She doesn’t fight!

Morning: “Bubblegum Bitch” by Marina and the Diamonds? Maybe?

26. Does your OC have good or bad posture?

Sleet has the best posture, Cynthia has good posture, and Morning tries her best.

27. Most despicable thing your OC has ever done?

Cynthia: I mean, she’s definitely murdered some innocent people to get what she wanted. That one guard in S8, that guy in S14 who threw a chair at her, and probably some more. (But at least she hasn’t slaughtered tens of orcs because a demon told her to.) Also, she’s reckless a lot of times, and it’s even put the crew’s lives in danger a few times.

Sleet: She’s been incredibly passive in situations where she should have done something. Other than that, she had done nothing wrong.

Morning: She can get really petty. Probably managed to get someone arrested.

28. Is your OC a conspiracy theorist?

Cynthia: Yes, but in the sense that she believes that Roland is to be held accountable for the Plague.

Sleet: No!

Morning: Participates in the Area 51 memes but not seriously a conspiracy theorist. She likes to believe in aliens and cryptids, though.

29. Someone does something awful in front of your OC. How do they handle it?

Not well at all!

Cynthia: She turns towards whoever caused it and punishes them.

Sleet/Morning: Tries to help the victim of the incident!

30. What is your OC’s favorite drink?

God damn it, they all love tea!

31. Does your OC prefer to sleep in a warm or cool area?

Cynthia: Warm area!

Sleet/Morning: Cool area!

32. Would your OC like you if they met you?

Cynthia would kill me on sight, and then Sleet and Morning would barely be able to tolerate me.

33. A song that reminds you of your OC?

Cynthia: “Rubik’s Cube” by Athlete, “In the Woods Somewhere” by Hozier, and “Sky Full of Song” by Florence and the Machine. Hmmmm I wonder why

Also “El Tango de Roxanne” because of AAF

Sleet: “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men, “Wisdom’s Tragedy” by Disasterpeace, and “And So It Goes” by Mariana’s Trench.

Morning: Not really any song in particular, mainly because she’s quite new to the human AU, and she wasn’t quite developed on before that.

34. Is your OC a nail biter?

Cynthia: yes!

Sleet: no!

Morning: yes!

35. What is your OC’s favorite quote?

Cynthia: “First of all: Fuck stealth” probably, said by Mordecai. Also literally any time Jinri calls her darling.

Sleet: probably the whole “The Two-Headed Calf” poem

Morning: “Treat yourself”

36. Your OC’s favorite fashion era? (20’s, 70’s, etc)

Cynthia: Victorian!

Sleet: American Colonial era of clothing!

Morning: She loves the modern fashion era, but also she loves the 1920’s.

37. Does your OC get excited when they get mail?

All three: yes!

38. Random thunderstorm! How does your OC react?

Cynthia: She gets Wall to handle steering the ship, and then goes to her room to try to absorb the energy of the thunderstorm.

Sleet: She gets a little worried at first, but she eventually carries on with her day.

Morning: Netflix time!

39. A strange talent of your OC?

Cynthia: despite having a +6 to CON saves and +3 to DEX saves she still manages to fuck these two saves horribly.

Sleet: She’s really really good at organizing.

Morning: She can recount word-for-word in real time her favorite movie.

40. Assuming your OC doesn’t have them already, what superpower would they want? If they do, would they change it, keep it, or get rid of it?

Cynthia: She likes her divine magic, thank you.

Sleet: She’d want healing magic!

Morning: Weather manipulation!

41. Does your OC like/make puns?

Cynthia: loves puns!

Sleet: doesn’t like puns!

Morning: makes puns!

42. What kind of shampoo does your OC use?

Cynthia: ??? Does she even get the chance to shower???

Sleet: It has to be a very certain shampoo brand, and the exact shampoo that she always gets. As to what, it’s definitely one that helps clean out dandruff well.

Morning: (I apologize, I can’t really answer this one too well! But probably one that’s safe for dyed, coiled hair!)

43. Your OC wakes up with a coin super glued to their forehead. How do they react?

Cynthia: which Philious was it

Sleet: She would be doing everything to remove it.

Morning: Laugh! Good prank! Now how do I remove it.

44. Can your OC sleep if there’s any kind of light?

Cynthia: Cynthia doesn’t even sleep either way. But yes, she can sleep with some light. In some cases, she even prefers it.

Sleet: Nope. Pure darkness and cold room only.

Morning: yes!

45. What kind of self-esteem does your OC have?

Cynthia: a slowly-declining one!

Sleet: She has high self esteem!

Morning: Low self-esteem, but it’s getting better.

46. A word that your OC can’t stand?

They all hate the word “moist”.

Cynthia also hates even the mention of The Living Plague.

47. Does your OC fold their clothes, hang them up, or just leave them in the basket/dryer?

Cynthia folds her clothes, Morning and Sleet hang them.

48. Would society call your OC a good guy or a bad guy? What would they say they are?

They’re all good people, but people might think wrong of Cynthia and Morning for their occasionally-illegal actions.

49. Your OC’s most prized possession?

Cynthia: Her diary!

Sleet: She has a moonstone necklace that she wears on very special locations. It was a gift from her mother.

Morning: She has a plush cat that she’s managed to keep throughout the years. It’s a calico plush that she named “Mewsie” as a kid.

50. What is your OC’s happy place?

Cynthia: A calm fireplace, a spot on the couch next to Jinri or Mordecai. She wants everything to be back to what it was before the Plague. She wants to be back home at the mansion, but the temple works just as fine. Small talks about life, a few words about Sune and how much Sune has given them, and being able to heal emotionally.

Sleet: The summit of a mountain covered in meadows. The wind stirs, but it is not enough to chill the air or blow her away. A picnic with Slate, up on the summit, chatting about how beautiful everything is. How beautiful he is.

Morning: A walk through the forest during autumn. A strong smell of pine cones, wet leaves from morning dew. A fog rolls over, but isn’t obscuring her sight. A cabin in the middle of the woods, calling her back home. Holding hands with Lyra yet again.

[tebanks]

Comic Book Conventions give fans the opportunity to meet the celebrities they admire. It’s an exciting time but it can also be a difficult time for a fan that lives with a mental illness. I attended two Comic Book Conventions this month, both were enjoyable, but they also came with struggles. I want to share two of those struggles with you.

CONTENT NOTE: This post contains information and photos of skin-picking and self-harm which could be upsetting to some readers.

I’m living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and I have two primary obsessive compulsions; skin-picking (dermatillomania) and lip balm application. Both of these obsessive compulsions have an impact on my ability to attend and enjoy Comic Book Conventions.

For people who are unaware; Comic Book Conventions, more commonly referred to as ComicCons, are typically weekend events in which comic book and film fans gather to meet actors, creators, and each other. For the purpose of this post I want to focus on one particular aspect of ComicCon: meeting celebrities.

Coping with Dermatillomania

I’m living with dermatillomania; an obsessive compulsive skin-picking disorder. To clarify, I don’t mean picking at a hangnail. I mean picking relentlessly and obsessively at my hands and arms. This obsessive behavior is heightened when I’m anxious, and I’m normally pretty anxious at ComicCons, so I tend to skin-pick to relieve my anxiety.  I use Band-Aids to cover up the spots that I pick; this keeps my picking to a minimum and covers my visually unappealing wounds and scars. As a result, my hands and arms are normally covered in colorful and decorative Band-Aids. I wear long sleeves to cover my arms, but there isn’t much that I can do about my hands.

Shaking Hands with Dermatillomania

This becomes a problem when I’m given the opportunity to meet celebrities. Here’s how the process at ComicCon typically goes; the celebrity is sitting at a table, you walk up to the table, shake the celebrity’s hand, ask for an autograph, hold a conversation, take a photo with the celebrity, and walk away. Seems simple, right? Not for me. My primary fear starts with the handshake.

Band-Aids are normally seen as unsanitary. People don’t enjoy looking at Band-Aids, let alone shaking someone’s hand who is wearing a Band-Aid. Yet, my hands and arms are covered with them. So, as I approach the celebrity table my mind starts racing. I fall into an anxiety ridden thought spiral; “What if they get grossed out by my Band-Aids? What if they think I’m unsanitary? Should I deny the handshake? Oh no. They are reaching out their hand. They want to shake my hand. Remember to smile. Please don’t notice the Band-Aids. Please don’t notice. Please don’t wince. Please don’t be grossed out. Reach out your hand. Say something. I shouldn’t have come. Please, don’t let them be grossed out.”

I deserve to be excited. I’m meeting celebrities that I admire. I’m meeting celebrities that I’ve waited years to meet. Yet, I can’t truly enjoy myself because I’m so terrified that my skin will gross them out. I’m terrified they will think I’m weird or unclean. It always puts a knot in my stomach, and casts a depressive and dreadful shadow on an experience that should be enjoyable.

Luckily, I’ve never had a bad interaction with a celebrity due to my dermatillomania. Although many celebrities have inquired about my Band-Aids, and I’m always happy to explain. When asked, I pleasantly reply; “I have a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that causes me to skin-pick. I cover the spots I pick with fun Band-Aids.” Sometimes the conversation continues, and they have questions, which I’m always happy to answer. Other times it’s acknowledged as a fact, and the conversation quickly goes back to film and comics.

But my OCD fears don’t end there. I still have another obsessive hurdle to jump…

I Obsessively Apply Lip Balm 

At ComicCon, conversations at the celebrity table can last anywhere between 3 to 15 minutes. This is where my second obsessive compulsion comes in: lip balm application.

Let me briefly explain my compulsion: I’m not talking about using lip balm (as directed) for chapped lips. In my case, lip balm application is a severe and unhealthy obsessive compulsion: it’s a repetitive behavior that I feel the uncontrollable urge to repeat, over-and-over, in response to my obsessive thoughts. Approximately, I apply lip balm every 10 minutes and more often on super anxious days. It sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. It’s an all-consuming compulsion.

An Awkward Obsessive Compulsion 

So, imagine this. You’ve met a celebrity that you’ve been waiting years to meet. You made it past the dreaded handshake. You are finally getting answers to your geeky questions. You are having a quality conversation. When suddenly, the unavoidable and screaming urge to apply lip balm hits.

Applying lip balm is awkward. I don’t want to apply lip balm while mid-conversation with a celebrity. Seriously, applying lip balm is an awkward thing to do. But when the compulsion enters my mind I have to. It’s like I can’t breathe, or think of anything else, until I’ve completed the compulsion.

I sincerely don’t want to apply lip balm while talking to a celebrity at a ComicCon. But the urge inevitably hits. After 5 seconds I become jittery, after 10 seconds I become anxious, after 30 seconds it feels like my skin is catching fire, I can’t think, I get dizzy. My thought spiral begins again; “Do not put on lip balm. Ignore the urge. Please. Just this once. Do not put on lip balm in front of this person. They are answering a question you’ve had for years. Pay attention to what they are saying. Have a quality conversation. You’ve admired this person for years. Just focus. Do not look like a freak.”

Luckily, my lip balm application is normally discrete and goes relatively unnoticed. I attempt to apply it while my husband is speaking, so all of the attention isn’t on me. But it still makes me feel awkward and unnecessarily uncomfortable. It is an obsessive compulsion that I can’t ignore, postpone, or push aside.

Abnormal Normality

I don’t want to be the weirdo with Band-Aids who applies lip balm awkwardly during conversations, but that’s who I am. These obsessive compulsions are constant reminders of my abnormal normality.

Living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be difficult at times. This disorder can be all-consuming and it often overwhelms me with awkwardness and inconvenience, but I won’t let it stop me from living. I will continue doing the things I enjoy, and I will continue finding healthy ways to cope with my disorder. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a part of me, but it isn’t all of me. If you live with this disorder, please remember: you are not alone.

You may be wondering why I share vulnerable and personal information like this. I share this side of myself for two main reasons; I want to raise awareness for mental illness, and I want to show people like me that they are not alone.

You can keep up with what I’m doing and read more about mental health by connecting with me on social networks: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also subscribe to the Uncustomary Housewife Blog.

Sincerely, Elizabeth — Uncustomary Housewife

Continue reading for more information on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…

What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is characterized by two main things; Obsessions and Compulsions.

Obsessions are repetitive and intrusive thoughts that are often unwanted. Most of the time, people know their obsessions are irrational but are unable to divert their attention from the obsession. For instance, I have racing thoughts that I “must apply lip balm”, hundreds of times a day. I’m well aware that I my lips aren’t chapped, and that the obsession is illogical, but that doesn’t matter. I can’t ignore the obsession, and it is extremely stressful.

Compulsions are irrational and excessive urges to complete certain actions. These repetitive actions can temporarily relieve the stress brought on by an obsession. Most of the time, people know that these rituals are irrational, but are unable to prevent the need to perform them. Like obsessions, people may try not to perform compulsive acts but feel forced to do so to relieve anxiety. For instance, I get extremely, and painfully, anxious if I can’t apply my lip balm regularly (every 10 minutes). Failure to apply lip balm can result in an anxiety or panic attack.

To be diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a person must have: obsessions, compulsions, or both that are upsetting and cause difficulty with work, relationships, other parts of life, and typically last for at least an hour each day.

Coping with OCD at ComicCon Comic Book Conventions give fans the opportunity to meet the celebrities they admire. It’s an exciting time but it can also be a difficult time for a fan that lives with a mental illness.

[avawoolf]

2016 tried to kill me and Maggie Stiefvater may have saved my life.

2016 straight up tried to murder me.

Despite achieving two huge goals (one of which was signing with my literary agent, and the other can’t be talked about yet for REASONS), this was the worst year of my life.

Here’s the laundry list of stressful life events:

A debilitating chronic pain disorder that I conquered several years ago came back with a vengeance, essentially keeping me housebound and unable to do much of anything. Depression perked up and decided to have a go at me. 

A few months later, my husband and I moved cities, where I was diagnosed with a sensory disorder that explained a lot of things, among others why I find driving to be a terrifying ordeal. This was helpful, but also deeply traumatic. Depression took even more bites.

Two months after moving I lost my best friend very suddenly, and the void it left in my life was unspeakable. I lost eight pounds in five days and depression swallowed me whole. Self-harm reared itself for the first time.

Eight months later I realized I was gay. I spent several weeks lying on a mattress in the basement wanting to die. One night self-harm skirted the edge of a suicide attempt. A month later my husband of seven years told me he needed a divorce.

In September I moved out.

The career track I was on before I got married isn’t an option anymore. All my ambition over the last seven years was poured into writing full time, and I’m not sure if you’ve heard this, but being an author is not the most financially stable bet in the house.

I’m living alone for the first time in my life now. My religious family is not pleased with my “lifestyle choice,” and the man I wanted to grow old with is gone. The future is a deeply terrifying place.

Here’s where it all turns around.

I’m okay.

In some ways, I’m better than I’ve ever been. I’m not waiting anymore. Not for someone to give my life meaning, not for someone to come home and help me with the things I can’t do, not to see if someone will be happy with the things I want to do.

It’s all on me now.

This is the double-edged sword. The thing that has kept me at ninety pounds, at sleepless nights, at panic attacks that leave me gasping and sobbing, at shame spirals that send me running for the Ativan before my brain can start yelling at me that I need to DIE right now because I am broken and wrong and Not Enough.

Here’s where Maggie Stiefvater comes in.

(I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, Maggie, but if you do and it causes you to have The Feelings, my apologies in advance to your black Slytherin heart.)

Maggie is my Favorite Author. She also has the habit of writing blog posts and articles that are annoyingly good, and just generally being sickeningly talented at everything.

But she wrote three things in particular that have given me the best weapons life ever handed me.

The first was this article about driving.

As mentioned previously, I HATE driving. My brain is not built for it. Too many things to process, too many layers of sensory information. It’s all very not good. 

Maggie LOVES driving.

Maggie and her cars are a thing of legend, and I’ve been quite envious of this.

Why can’t I be a fearless badass who drives cars really fast, instead of a fearful creature who has a tendency to walk into things and lose my verbal skills if someone looks at me when I’m not prepared?

And whyyyy couldn’t I have been born without a sensory disorder, and anxiety, and a body that seems bent on betraying me in every way that matters?

In this article Maggie told bad drivers like me several awesome things, but the most awesome boiled down to it will suck but do it anyway. Or as she put it, “you can be anxious about a thing and learn to love it even while being anxious.”

This advice gave me one of the first non-terror filled driving experiences I’ve had in years. Rather than the anxiety being proof that I shouldn’t do the thing, that I can’t do the thing, I focused on the fact that I WAS doing the thing. It worked so well that I started applying it to non-driving things.

This advice was my first weapon. I see it as a lovely little blade, perfect for filleting things that would frighten me into submission. It’s black and steel and fits nicely in an evening bag.  

A few months later I read these two posts.

Maggie talked about her own anxiety and OCD, and how she moved past it. “Anxiety is a chain link fence,” she said. “A boundary made worse by being able to see what’s on the other side. You can get through it if you are both strong enough and come equipped with tools or friends with tools. And the more anxiety fences you break through, the fewer you will find in front of you: they are not a renewable resource.”

This was damn revolutionary. 

First of all, Maggie was not born a Fearless Badass. She talked about being a fearful child, small and edible, “easily carried away by hawks,” and BOY did I relate to that. Yes, I nodded with all of my 90 pounds, yes, that is me.

“Anxiety is a chain link fence.”

If it will suck but do it anyway was a black and stealthy dagger, then this was a proud and singing scythe.

You know that ultimate slayer weapon that Buffy hefts out of the stone in season seven? All blood red and shiny and swingable? That’s what that phrase is—it’s my Slayer Scythe. It’s my promise that every time I do the thing that scares me I wear the fence down a little more.

Eventually I will crash through it, and some day, I will marvel that a fence ever stood there.

Christmas was very, very bad. I won’t go into the details other than to say that it involved a night of running off into the snowy woods around my parents’ home and thinking semi-seriously about sitting under a pine tree until I froze to death.

But as bad as that night was, I had my weapons. I let myself feel the pain, and then I got up and did the thing. I went back to the house and got on with the business of living.

For me, the biggest change has been the things I tell myself. It’s the refusal to shame spiral, to tear into myself, to demand perfection on the first try and punish myself when it doesn’t work out. It’s knowing which fears to face, and not caring about the things that are too much for me right now.

This is the best way I can use these newfound tools: life is like a video game.

Every gamer knows you don’t go after the five star mission when you’re only at one. And you don’t berate yourself for being at one star, or having a small health meter, or having a puny little weapon that takes twenty slashes to kill a small slug demon in the first level. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT WORKS.

You move through the game, and you LEVEL UP.

For me right now, that’s walking when I feel sad; it’s trying new things; it’s cutting off critical self-talk before the sentence is finished; it’s refusing to overthink even when my brain says that’s irresponsible and I need to have a PLAN FOR MY WHOLE LIFE RIGHT FREAKING NOW.

You move through the missions, you slay the baddies, and you level up.

And you enjoy the missions. You don’t sit there going OH NO WHAT IF I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THE END BOSS??? WHAT IF HE KILLS ME? WHAT IF I CAN’T DO IT????

You know that by the time you get to the end boss you’ll be strong enough. Your health meter will be bigger, you’ll have better weapons, and you’ll bat things out of your way with one swing. You don’t need to know how you’ll do it, you just know that you will.

And if the boss battle comes and you’re not perfect on the first try, you’ll do it again, and you’ll do it better. And if you need to go back and level up some more, that’s fine too. Because soon you’ll be back to slay that end boss and move onto the next game.

So that’s where I’m at now. Thanks Maggie. Thanks for the shiny weapons.

*pets my Slayer Scythe*

I’m prepped now.

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

Brave words: a photographic project is helping people with mental health issues express how they truly feel

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/brave-words-a-photographic-project-is-helping-people-with-mental-health-issues-express-how-they-truly-feel.html

Brave words: a photographic project is helping people with mental health issues express how they truly feel

The thing about mental illness,” says journalist Bryony Gordon, “is that it doesn’t want to be on the outside. It wants to be in your self and it wants you alone, isolated, thinking you’re a freak. That’s how it thrives. It does not want you to talk about it being there.”

Charlie Clift, the co-creator of Let’s Talk, a photography campaign designed to shake up preconceptions about mental illness, knows the feeling. “I had to take a year out at university because of depression,” he says. He was one of the lucky ones. “I could talk to my parents and to my tutors and friends.” Clift took up photography during that lost year. He’d go up to strangers on the street, chat, take their portraits. Fast forward a decade and he’s now putting his photographs on the street, except this time his 17 sitters, who include Alastair Campbell, Sue Perkins, Anna Richardson, Jordan Stephens and Bryony Gordon, have their experiences of mental illness written on their faces. The effect is powerful, poetic, startling.

“I wanted to find a way within visual images of not hiding people’s thoughts,” says Clift, who collaborated with illustrator Kate Forrester in a dynamic creative practice that saw interviewees divulging their inner demons. Forrester transferred their most salient words on to her human canvases and then Clift took their portrait. “Painting on someone’s face is a very intimate act,” says Forrester, “made more so by the sensitive content. But the creation of these images was a surprisingly joyful experience.

“It was humbling that these people had agreed to be so open with us,” she says, “about such difficult and personal aspects of their daily struggles, putting themselves out there to reassure others that they are not alone.”

Not by any stretch of the imagination. Every week, one in six adults experiences symptoms of mental illness, such as anxiety and depression, according to the 2014 Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey. One in five adults has considered suicide and nearly half of adults believe that they have experienced mental illness in their lifetime, with only a third of them receiving a diagnosis.

This is unsurprising, given the stigma attached to mental illness in our achievement-driven, externally focused culture. Vulnerability dares not show its face; it is safer to project sanitised versions of ourselves. Clift hopes his 2m-high portraits emblazoned with “oblivion,” “innately sad” and “you have to put on a face” may assure others that our whole – but fractured – selves are acceptable.

“If you suffer with anxiety or a panic disorder it doesn’t mean you can’t also be strong, fun or capable,” says comedian and writer Sue Perkins. For her, having “everything raging” drawn on her face was “very liberating. This is just another part of me – a very human part. There is a fear in us not to disclose problems because we will be perceived as weak. I know I am not weak. We are all a work in progress.” Imagine what it would be like if we wrote our darkest thoughts on our faces, Perkins adds, and bumped into our neighbours. “It would be like: I can’t believe you get anxious, too. I had no idea.”

When Alastair Campbell left Clift’s studio, he kept his make-up on. “My cab driver asked me about it. I then did my whole boxing session with it still on.” Steve Wallington went for a break during the shoot. “A man walked past,” says Clift, “and said: ‘What’s on your face?’ ‘My most difficult thoughts,’ Steve said, and this guy just opened up, about how he’d lost his wife, about being a father, and how hard it was, as a man, to find people to talk to.”

Bryony Gordon

Author and journalist

I have OCD and am in recovery from addiction, but untreated, mental illness snowballs into a million other mental illnesses. I feel like my brain is wired wrong; it doesn’t want the best for me. Left to my own devices, my brain would like me dead. When I am feeling “wrong”, it’s like I am the wrong person, doing the wrong things, feeling the wrong things. I don’t fit. I’m not wired right. So I have to be vigilant. I felt very naked having my words on my face. It felt very uncomfortable. But it’s a wonderful way of taking the shame and fear out of mental illness.

Nathaniel Cole

Freelance researcher

‘I like to write down what I’m feeling when I’m struggling’: Nathaniel Cole. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

With depression, it’s knowing that you should be going out to work, or even doing something simple like taking a walk, but you can’t face any of that. It’s like a monster that holds you back. If I’m having a difficult moment, I let my friends and partner know. I like to write down what I’m feeling when I’m struggling.

Oli Regan

Actor

‘Volunteering for a year with Mind made life worth living’: Oli Regan. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I grew up as an only child – or “lonely child” as an eight-year-old me would say – and often felt left out. When I hit 17, I knew things weren’t right. I began taking drugs and drinking excessively. Sometimes the people with the most pain hide behind the biggest smile. I got diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety and severe ADHD at the ripe old age of 25, after years of no help. Volunteering for a year with Mind made life worth living. I’m helping people I don’t personally know every day, which is really humbling.

Sue Perkins

Comedian and broadcaster

‘I read those words as if they were a stranger’s’: Sue Perkins. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I have a panic disorder kick-started by a benign brain tumour called a prolactinoma. Before medication, I’d feel like my eyes were being pushed out of my head. The pressure was intense, as if everything was about to explode. I felt as if someone had pointed a gun at my head and was about to kill me; that’s how extreme the fear was. I got used to the feeling. I just kept on going. I still get panic attacks, but they are less frequent. Having my face painted was profound. I read those words as if they were a stranger’s, and found myself thinking, “I must help you.” How awful that we don’t make time for self-care. East of Croydon by Sue Perkins (Michael Joseph) is published on 18 October at £20

Steve Harris

Disabled activist

‘Part of my mind assumes terrible things are imminent’: Steve Harris. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I suffer with anxiety and depression. The anxiety can feel like I am constantly howling at myself in my mind – part of my mind assumes terrible things are imminent. The depression can be a relief as it’s the opposite of caring so much, it’s total numbness. When I first realised the extent to which I struggle with mental health , I went through denial and anger. With a lot of education, therapy and support, I’m learning that this stuff is part of being me and that while I can be ashamed of feeling weak, nobody else judges me as harshly as I judge myself.

Jordan Stephens

Rapper in Rizzle Kicks

‘I want to be part of a movement that creates a language to describe how someone is feeling from day to day’: Jordan Stephens. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

Running through custard, that’s how a bad day feels. I’ve got ADHD, but my main issue is self-sabotage and taking anger out on myself. I find harmony terrifying, though I am at a point in my life where I am very calm. A bad day is like having dirt on your glasses and you haven’t got the energy to clean them. It’s like I am another person, who doesn’t want to do anything, to write, eat, exercise. Wearing my heart on my face wasn’t unusual for me. I am quite open. I want to be part of a mental health movement that creates a language to describe how someone is feeling from day to day.

Lucy Allen

Counsellor

‘My advice is talk talk talk’: Lucy Allen. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

When I’m in a bad episode of depression or a bad life event, I feel the deepest sadness that I just can’t place. It runs right through my body. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment when I’m low, like it’s not valid. I also see everything through a tinge of darkness. My advice is talk talk talk. Find a therapist, keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you. Don’t be put off. Celebrate the small successes – getting up or leaving the house are major victories sometimes. Be with nature.

Emily Hartridge

YouTube presenter

‘For me, exercise has been a game changer’: Emily Hartridge. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

My anxiety was severe and although I don’t like labels, if I was to label myself I’d say I had GAD [generalised anxiety disorder]. So that means you have a general feeling of anxiety all the time. You feel hot, you can’t sit still, your mind is racing. Well, imagine all those feelings every second of every minute of every day… and there you have anxiety. For me, exercise has been a game changer. I do boxing and yoga and have found them to be so helpful because for that one hour you are disconnected from the outside world.

Alastair Campbell

Political aide and author

‘I have bouts of creativity when I come out of my depression’: Alastair Campbell. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

On a really bad day – and it’s far from every day – I think, “I don’t really want to be here.” I feel sad, but with an intensity that goes beyond feeling sad. I feel both dead and alive. I am conscious of being alive, awake, breathing, needing to eat – but inside I am numb. The pain is almost physical. It’s not all bad – my resilience comes from my depression. It’s helped me withstand a lot of pressure, from social media or wherever, and now I care about what matters and care little about what doesn’t. I have bouts of creativity when I come out of my depression.

A free outdoor exhibition of Let’s Talk will be on display from 8-22 October in Regent’s Place, London, thanks to the support of British Land and Mental Health UK. If you are affected by any these issues or need help, call the Samaritans on 116 123

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[curlybookowlblog-blog]

I’ve seen some people tweet or post on Instagram that they cant find any books that deal with mental health or they cant find any that deal with this one specific illness like OCD or Anxiety. Mental Health is extremely important and books can help show you what others go through with an illness or you already have it and know you are not alone, that others suffer from this same illness.

These types of books represent people and the things they go through. I know the books with OCD and Social Anxiety mean the world to me. Representation is extremely important for anything, race, religion, mental health, etc. Everyone wants to find themselves represented in some way and I agree. Now I’m just rambling, so let’s dig in.

Book I’ve Read

Queens of Geek was my first book that dealt with a mental illness. One of the MCs has social anxiety and is on the autism spectrum. It was amazing to finally see myself in a book. I’m not gonna lie, I cried reading this book because forever I thought I was just the freak of nature that couldn’t even go into a store without panicking.

Optimists die first and Goodbye days both deal with guilt and anxiety around someone’s death. They both show how easy it is to blame yourself for something that was out of your control and you couldn’t have changed it.

The Color Project and They Both Die at The End deal with Anxiety. TBDATE deals with a heavier form of anxiety in my opinion than Color project does, but they both show how you can work things up in your head and make the world out to be something so horrible when in reality you can make it beautiful and an amazing place to be.

Turtles all the way down was my first OCD read and it was fucking accurate. The MC has a germ thing where she will wash her hands or eat soap three to four times. I’ve never read a book and went holy shit, that’s me. I don’t eat soap though, my mind attaches to the idea that somehow my home will burn down while I’m gone. I’ve gone back in 4 times on several occasions to make sure the stove is off or my straightener is unplugged. OCD books are my favorite now because they have shown me that I’m not alone, that there are others with this same illness. This book I believe is also own voices, the author suffers from OCD as well.

Before I read What I lost I had no idea what an eating disorder was or how it affected people. What I Lost shows the struggle of getting out of it and gaining control back. Emmmabooks talked about the book in her Video. She has been through this mental illness and can speak for the Rep.

Astonishing Color of after dealt with depression and Suicide. It showed how one day you could be happy and over the moon, then the next day you don’t even want to get out of bed. The book showed the trauma of the illness and the pain a persons loved ones go through just wanting to help that person. Astonishing shows how someone can get so depressed that they want to end there. It shows how hard it is for the family, trying to figure out why, what they could have done to prevent it. Astonishing is a book filled with pain and magic, but it shows just how bad depression can be and why it is important to get help with any illness.

Books I Haven’t Read

These I have not read yet, but I’ve heard great things about there rep. Now I haven’t read these so I’m just going to list the books and what reps they may contain.

Eliza and Her monsters deals with severe anxiety. Girl Against the Universe someone told me has anxiety rep. History is all you left me has OCD rep. Under rose tainted skies I believe deals with anxiety and OCD. Twelve steps to normal deals with deals with addiction. A tragic kind of wonderful has Bipolar rep. Finding Aubrey is about anxiety. Word on the bathroom walls deals with Schizophrenia. Sad Perfect is about an eating disorder. Four weeks, five people represent a number of mental illness from OCD to anxiety to eating disorders. How to disappear deals with Social Anxiety. Perfect deals with OCD.

See why these books are important. Just these I’ve posted about represent so many people in the world. You learn and grow from them even if you suffer from no mental illness. I hope your able to pick some of these titles up and enjoy them as I have.

What are your favorite mental health books?

Mental Health Book Recs I've seen some people tweet or post on Instagram that they cant find any books that deal with mental health or they cant find any that deal with this one specific illness like OCD or Anxiety.

[butnothingsdied]

What it’s like when your anxiety has no triggers.

I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder in 2010. GAD is a specific disorder that means that the afflicted individual is overcome by anxious feelings that aren’t tied to any specific scenarios. The term ‘free-floating anxiety’ is also used and I think that explains GAD pretty well.

The way I can best explain my own GAD is for you to imagine that you wake up and feel uneasy, like something awful is going to happen... You get a tight ball in your stomach and every muscle in your body feels tense. You can’t limit this feeling to anything specific, it’s like your worried the “bad thing” can happen at any point, without warning. It could be that your worried about a social interaction one moment or dying from a sudden stroke the next... it could just be that you don’t have any active thoughts about a tangible issue and you just feel like something is severely wrong and you need to work out what it is right now. So how do you tackle the day? Well, I take it slowly. I’m not lazy – I need to take it slowly. Feel free to disagree with me here but I hate being seen as lazy simply because I take breaks when I feel anxious. Coping with anxiety is exhausting.

Over time I’ve learnt how to read both myself and my anxiety. I can tell if I’m likely to have a panic attack just by judging a vague feeling that I can’t really put into words. Some days I feel ok and able to go outside, other days going outside feels like a risk too large to take. I’m well aware that if I was actually dying I’d be just as likely to die inside my house… but somehow I just feel so safe and warm in my ‘nest’.

I try to persevere and push myself as much as I can. I try to go out even when I’m not really feeling up to it even if it’s only for a short walk or maybe if I skip public transport. Transport in itself is a huge issue for me. Buses are a huge nope but trains are a bit easier. I don’t know why or if it’s because I’ve had more panic attacks on buses previously. I love driving because I’m thinking so much about the actual act of driving that I don’t have time to be anxious. Getting my driving license has given me freedom and control over travel and I love it. When I didn’t have access to a car, I would often skip buses and use taxis which was expensive but ultimately quite necessary for me to make doctors’ appointments or go just about anywhere. Again, weird, but I’d often get a taxi to the train station as I’d be fine getting a train to university for example but I’d freak out on the bus there. What I’m trying to point out with this is that the most boring tasks that I used to take for granted before I developed an anxiety disorder have become hard work. Even a ‘simple’ day out like going to town for lunch with a friend can become crippling due to travel worries then social worries (what if I say the wrong thing, what if I bore my friend, what if they don’t like me anymore).

I get told by quite a lot of people that I “don’t seem anxious” or I “don’t look like [I’m] having a panic attack”. I understand these people are trying to comfort me or reassure me that I’m copying but just looking well doesn’t mean you are. I personally used to hyperventilate quite a lot during panic attacks when I was a teenager but as I hit my twenties I lost this trait and instead suffer mainly from depersonalisation, light-headedness, palpitations, pins and needles and the familiar feeling of impending doom that I can only describe as a feeling reminiscent of being punched in your chest but much deeper down in your “soul”.

Because my anxiety is free-floating my panic attacks are mostly triggered by nothing (there are of course times where they may be triggered by something obvious such as having a dental procedure). Having panic attacks that are spontaneous and unruly in nature catches you out. I can’t avoid certain triggers or try exposure therapy. I just have to learn the signs that suggest my body might have one. This itself becomes a bigger problem because I become obsessed with reading my body. Is my heart rate increased? Do I feel dizzy because I haven’t drunk enough or because I may have a panic attack? Do I feel nauseous because I’m anxious or because I have a bug? I have spent hours and hours assessing my physical and mental state in order to hopefully prevent a panic attack… only for one to sneak up on me anyway. If I’ve “pushed” myself to do something in spite of my anxiety I’ll beat myself up about it, tell myself I knew this was going to happen and I should have just stayed at home. If I instead had a panic attack at home I’ll just tell myself “good – you were right to stay somewhere safe”. It’s a catch twenty-two.

I also have been diagnosed with health anxiety so perhaps this blog is coming from more of a viewpoint of the two disorders combined. Health anxiety is also known by the term Hypochondria. Yep, I’m a hypochondriac. If I get a headache I’ll worry it’s a brain tumour. A muscle ache in my leg? Might be a symptom of deep vein thrombosis! My health anxiety, unlike my GAD, can be triggered by certain things. I tense up if a character dies of certain conditions on TV. I avoid TV shows like Holby City to the point where if I even hear the theme song I feel sick and rush to change the channel.  I can’t even say, type or bare to hear someone speak the name of specific diseases or medical conditions without feeling insanely anxious… so I’ve avoided typing my main trigger here. I read a psychological study once that concluded that merely reading certain words with negative connotations such as “despair”, “death” and so on can make people diagnosed with anxiety experience symptoms… so I’ve always put my fear of certain words down to that.

Back to GAD though and my anxiety that doesn’t surround health related issues is very hard to pinpoint. I’ve tried to search for triggers and see patterns in my thoughts and behaviours but seven years later and I’m still not any wiser. I just know that I get this feeling inside of me, telling me to be cautious, telling me to survive at any cost. Even at the cost of my social life, my happiness, my work life, anything Just get through without the “bad thing” happening. I’ve learnt to indulge certain OCD tendencies in order to cope as long as they aren’t making things worse for me. I indulge in ‘checking’ rituals quite a lot. I won’t explain them as they are embarrassing and make me feel about as pulled together as Wendy from The Shining (I guess she survived at least), but I was explaining them to a psychiatrist once who stopped me and said – if they make it so you can sleep… do it. Sleep is more important than stopping a compulsion that takes 10 minutes each day. He had a point. 

For me, my current treatment plan for my anxiety (and the only one I’ve ever really had) is not to cure but to manage. It’s to give myself the highest quality of life I can have. That’s why anxiety disorders are classed as disabilities. They can be severe, persistent and draining. Everything is a toss up... how much to indulge my anxiety, my compulsions, my obsessions for the sake of having some respite. Having anxiety doesn’t need to be the end of your life - don’t value yourself less if you experience it. Love yourself and be forgiving. Let yourself get away with what you need to feel well enough to enjoy your life.