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olderjodijournals · 3 months ago

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Sunday, May 1, 1994

Just had a chat with Andy and I’m about to hit the sack.

I have a total of 167 letters so far.

Today I’m not in the best of moods. I blew my schedule. I couldn’t wake up till 11 PM.

Also, the little animals are screaming their heads off in the backyard next door so I sure as hell won’t get any peace in my backyard. It sounds like the pool at the apartment complex.

What’s God trying to tell me? Why, why, why?! Almost everyone else here’s quiet on this street. Why me? Will they all really go to Idaho for the summer? Will they stay inside when it’s very hot? Why me? God, what are you trying to tell me?

I just got the two stickers in the front cover of my journal from my box of Lucky Charms.

I’m very hungry now, so I think I’ll get a bite to eat and then do some typing.

Later...

I wish Tom was working nights just for tonight so I could go throw a bottle onto their roof next door. Oh, I wanna do something sooo bad.

I wish I was deaf. I really really do. Yes, I’d miss my music, but I’ve heard long enough to hear plenty of songs in my head and to keep singing. I really really wish I were deaf. This one ear of mine has heard too many sounds it didn’t want to hear.

I don’t know how long they were out there, but I can imagine it was a good 4-6 hours. People have no respect for those around them. People have no control over their own kids. I’m sure they won’t go away for the summer. God just wouldn’t bless me with that. If He did, there’d be some other problem till we live in a house someday far enough away from others.

I just want to be deaf so bad. It’s all I think about lately. It’s always on my mind. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf.

Monday, May 2, 1994

Earlier Tom showed me how to hook the VCR up to the computer and print out pictures. I was doing fine till he went to bed, but now I can’t get the damn thing to print.

So much for his wearing me out today like he said he would cuz he felt really lousy, but I truly understand. I couldn’t be horny if I had a cold.

I talked to Andy and I may very well go to his place tomorrow to do wall art.

I’ll be going to bed soon, and on my way there, I not only wish I were deaf, I still wonder what’s God’s motive, or whoever my maker is, behind throwing these kids next door at me? Of all the houses on the block, too. It just had to be me. Is he trying to tell me I’m to have a kid? Or just annoy me? I think if I were meant to have a kid, I’d be pregnant by now and not a DES daughter. As far as to annoy me; I haven’t been doing anything to really annoy, upset, or piss off anyone else for quite a while now, so I don’t know about that. What is the reason? There’s got to be a reason. These things just don’t constantly happen wherever one goes. This is no coincidence.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Tuesday, May 3, 1994

In just a little while, I have to go see Dr. Wilcox. When I get there and have to wait 20 years I’ll write more.

Later...

I’m in one of the exam rooms waiting to be seen. It’ll be a while, I’m sure. God, I hate waiting!

Yesterday was lots of fun. Andy picked me up at 12:30 and I was there till 6 PM. Before that, I got 3 letters from Bob and 1 from Kim.

I also spoke to Tammy. They removed Bill’s spleen which was loaded with cancer. Luckily his liver’s OK and they hope he can resume light duties at work within 6 weeks if the chemo works. If not, they may have to do a bone marrow transplant.

When Andy picked me up he went to pay his cable bill. That took forever.

Oh, before I forget. I spoke to Mom yesterday. She’s sending a package, but she wouldn’t say what of. I should get it at the end of next week.

After the cable company, we went to the Abco grocery store where he got a 6-pack of Snickers bars and some milk.

I took my suit hoping that maybe his

Later...

I got cut off in mid-sentence cuz Dr. Wilcox came in. Luckily it didn’t drag on as long as I thought it might.

She thought my journal book was so beautiful and was astounded when I told her how many I had. She asked me how I got into it and I told her. I noticed she had the same pen I’m writing with now, but hers was black. She asked to try this pen, she did, liked it and I offered to swap, but we didn’t. I intend to get more of these pens for sure.

Anyway, my boobs are very sore. She recommended vitamin E. She also said my lungs were a little tight, but not that bad. Yup, they certainly could be worse. They took blood for my Theo level anyway and they’ll call only if there’s a problem.

So anyway, about yesterday. I took my suit over to Andy’s hoping the heat would still be on since there’s a huge Olympic-size pool there, but it was too cold.

Andy did his laundry and cleaned while I drew cactus and a pot of flowers. He was very happy with it.

He gave me some things, too. The picture Tom took of us with my cactus I drew in the living room here behind us. Also, some other pictures of him, a nice wall shelf and an old Stevie dress. A nice pair of sunglasses, too. This pair doesn’t bother my ear and when I blink, my eyelashes don’t hit the lens. I’m going to adjust the Stevie dress and make a nice skirt out of it for myself. The wall shelf’s up in my room. It has 3 spokes on it and I’ve got necklaces and hair stuff hanging off it.

I lent him my Bonnie Raitt CD again, gave him the tapes I dubbed, and also his tape with his messages from his voicemail. The tape’s not done yet. He just wants to hear what he has on it so far.

More later.

Wednesday, May 4, 1994

We fixed our sluggish toilet. No more having to flush number twos twice.

Last night I printed out tons of Norah pictures. Yes, I can do it all on my own now and it was so much fun. Going to do more of Gloria and others for Tom.

Sabrina and I still haven’t heard from Fran. Maybe a letter is on its way in the mail, but I doubt it very much.

We’re going to try to make and sell a computer program with me signing. First we’ll begin with those not serious about signing. Those who are usually going to school, but further on down the road, we may do an advanced one. We’ll start with simple everyday signs like in a foreign traveler’s guide for certain situations. Like if you have a deaf visitor or work in an office with deaf people.

I typed up a handful of letters. To Fran, Bob, Kim, Tammy and my parents.

Got lots of things to do. I want to clean the bathroom after the blue toilet water made quite a mess while Tom fixed it.

Gotta type up my signing ideas. Simple phrases and questions. He’s going to use the video blaster and the camera that’s on a tripod.

Gotta somehow turn that big Stevie dress from Andy into a skirt. Gotta record My Time Has Come. Gotta keep typing #3.

This is the last month of SS and SSI checks.

I was just thinking of all the shocking, unexpected, yet great things that have happened since I came here nearly two years ago between the dancing, getting a 2-bedroom apartment, meeting Tom, moving into a house, seeing Kim and Larry, learning computers, getting off SS and SSI and only having a few asthma attacks. I wish I could add quitting smoking to the list, but I just can’t.

Thursday, May 5, 1994

Yesterday was quite a busy day. I got up at 12:30 PM and went for a swim. I also recorded my song and typed up ideas for the signing program.

At 6:30 Andy came and brought me to his place. I drew an Indian design to give it that real southwestern look. I also did his lampshade like I did mine.

He fed me well while I was there. He gave me cookies, crackers, a hot dog, and made me my coffee.

He also gave me tons of video labels, but I have yet to figure out what I’ll do with them.

Tom was in bed when I got home at 9:30. We left each other messages, though.

I talked to Tammy and Bill’s latest report isn’t good. He’s vomiting and has a fever.

My doctor called in antibiotics. I’ve been quite congested and yesterday they called to tell me my white blood cell count was too high. Next Tuesday I still gotta go back for a re-check. When I awoke today at 11:30, I was coughing up gallons of shit.

Went for another swim today. The water’s still chilly, but I managed to throw myself in.

What will the mailman bring me today? Another batch of Bob letters?

Later...

Yup, the mailman brought me 2 Bob letters which he stuck in one envelope.

Now for my cutest and funniest news of the day. I brought the pig out to the Jacuzzi and slowly lowered him down. I could tell right away that swimming would be one of his bags, cuz he remained totally relaxed. He swam around and around several times for a good 60 seconds or so and he loved it. Totally had a ball.

Andy’s TV’s dead and tomorrow I have to record 2 soaps for him. He says he’s getting a new TV tomorrow, but we’ll see. I have a feeling I may be doing this for him for a while. Guess he’s going to try getting a loan from his parents.

I also numbered all the journals on the top shelf of my bookcase. So, that’s 1-25. I’ll do more another time. I’ve got 2½ out of my 5 shelves filled up with journals. 1-25 on the first shelf. 26-54 on the second. 55-73 on the third.

I typed a letter to my folks today and I’ll do more typing later. Right now I’m a little bored. What else can I write about? I’m just trying to think. Have I forgotten anything? I said that yesterday and today I went for a swim, right?

Next door was quiet, thankfully, but I’m sure they’ll be ruling the weekend. That seems to be their thing lately till it gets over 100º. I say let them have this weekend cuz at 80º, the pool won’t be as nice and they say there’s a slight chance for rain Saturday - Monday.

Later...

Well, Tom will be delightfully pleased when he comes home which will be any second, cuz I have a spag dinner waiting for him.

I think I hear him now.

Later...

Guess Andy’s gone to bed. I just tried calling, but there’s no answer.

Guess what? I am now beginning the typing of #4. Amazing, huh? This is the furthest I’ve ever gone with typing them. It’s so much easier not to print them out. Also, it’s much easier using all caps and no fancy fonts.

Tom loved his spag dinner and we talked a lot to catch up since we didn’t see each other yesterday.

Will the pool be suitable for swimming tomorrow? I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see. Today was 97º and they say tomorrow it’ll be 94º, but hopefully that difference of a few degrees won’t matter. I’m not doing any swimming over the weekend. They say it’ll only be in the lower 80s, may rain, and they’ll be out back screaming next door.

No heavy metal concerts. They’ve been great. If they have been doing any playing, they’ve kept it quiet.

Tom’s going to pick up my antibiotics tomorrow. This will really help. He said he may drop them off at lunchtime if he can get the time.

Later...

I just went to the bathroom and got my regular meds.

In a half-hour, I’m going to watch a movie with Melissa Gilbert in it.

I saw something quite interesting on a news documentary show. Stalkers on Prodigy. But how the hell do they get people’s addresses unless they gave them to them? That must be it cuz there’s no way you can get this address from either Tom’s or my membership. I think it had to do with something like a bulletin. Where people are either pen pals or looking for dates.

Anyway, they just couldn’t get this one guy to stop. I am very against the sexual and threatening stuff he sent, but it seems like a fun way to send wacky stuff without getting caught. Then again, when Tammy sends me messages, a thing comes up giving me her name and her code. So, how in the hell are they sending mail without it being able to show where and who’s sending it? I’ll have to ask Tom tomorrow.

Andy said he finished that very long letter for me and Bob. Like 14 pages or so. When will he mail it here? Who knows? Fran’s full of shit, though, when he says he’s going to write to me and Sabrina. That’s OK, I get my fair share of letters from Bob.

Let’s see…what else is going on? Not much else. Can’t wait to watch the pig go swimming again. It’s so cute and so funny. I’ll wait, though, for when I’m in the pool with him. This will give us better peace of mind. Also, he shakes water all over me, so I may as well have a suit on, rather than regular clothes.

Friday, May 6, 1994

I’m watching that movie now. It’s good so far.

I saw a commercial for an exercise machine I’d really like to have. Now here goes all those girlie talk-line commercials.

God am I feeling like a blimp! It seems my gut goes in and out, in and out. I still have to get those water pills.

Boy, this movie’s good. Most movies are so predictable. This one keeps twisting and turning with lots of surprises. After the movie, I’ll set up the timer to record Andy’s soaps.

My tits are sore but I’m only 6 days away from relief and I’ll be getting that vitamin E the Doc recommended.

Later...

God, are my lungs tight. It could be worse, though.

I left a note to Tom with the idea I’m about to write. Remember how when I first got here I wrote a letter to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf requesting a deaf friend to sign with? This was when I lived next to the VV butch before she pulled her shit on me. I met one woman who was prejudiced against the fact that I was on disability. Well, now I think I’d like to try again and send in another letter.

Andy’s on his way over, so, be prepared for me to possibly be cut off.

Guess who’s playing? Yup, across the street, but at an acceptable volume. I can ever so barely hear it.

They’ve been great next door too, but during the next two days, we’ll see. I won’t mind cuz I’m not going swimming tomorrow. I also may very well be asleep.

I began my antibiotics today. Last night I slept 4 hours, waking up at 8 AM. No noise woke me up. I fell back asleep, though, from about noon to 5:00. I needed it, and the antibiotics have a way of making you drowsy.

Andy rented a TV today and is coming to get the soaps I recorded for him.

He’s also bringing 4-5 Mexican TV dinners. I probably won’t like them, but Tom will. He got them from a guy who drives a delivery truck with TV dinners.

Got a letter from Bob today. That makes my current total 175. BOL #8 is just past halfway.

I may also have another pen pal from where Bob is. I told Bob that as long as the guy’s no sex offender, it’s OK. I can deal with robbery or drug offenses, cuz you know I believe sex offenders can’t be rehabilitated and should be tortured and executed. Also, I’ll accept no sexual talk. I’m just not into that anymore. Those I’ll mark ‘return to sender.’

Tom thought it was a great idea for me to write to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf for a deaf friend to sign with.

I put my note I left him in a no-postage-necessary envelope. I sent Kim Bob’s letter and Bob a letter, too. Soon I’ll type my parents and maybe Fran, too.

Later...

Andy came and got his tape. He also brought about 6 Mexican TV dinners, which I hate, but Tom will like. He also brought some pies, but they were crushed.

Yuck! There was a spider crawling on the headboard of this bed. Thank God we’re going to bomb real soon.

I finished typing up #3 last night and began #4. Typed letters to Bob, Kim and my parents tonight.

Fran called and Ricky was with him. He says Sabrina’s letter is ready, but he’s having trouble finding someone to take a picture of him. Guess he’s still trying, though. He wants more and more to come out here and said it’s cold there now and they almost had a hurricane.

Ricky called Nervous and I was surprised he didn’t instantly recognize his voice and hang up. Ricky pulled some ticket scam on him and for a few minutes, he was dumbly going along. Then Crystal grabbed the phone and she was just getting heated up, but Ricky hung up cuz he thought I hung up.

Saturday, May 7, 1994

I am sitting at the kitchen table now where it’s easier for me to write.

I just copied a drawing Bob sent of a horse. It was from the neck up. Mine was good, but most of his I liked better.

I’m getting sort of drowsy now and I also have to go take another antibiotic now. I’m going to veg out to music and lay down, so I’ll write another time.

Later...

Yup, I’m still up.

I killed 3 spiders and typed a letter to Boo and Max. Why? Oh just for the hell of it and to give them a life update since they last helped me out. Hopefully, they’re still in Longmeadow and will get the letter. I believe they only go to Florida during the winter.

I forgot to mention the lovely and unexpected surprise I got from Tom shortly after I got up yesterday morning. He went down on me on the couch, then later we played on the waterbed. This time wasn’t a clumsy disaster as he made it in there. I swear this guy’s getting closer and closer to cumming, but if he ever will, who knows?

He’s going shopping this morning for some stuff we need around here. We need silverware, margarine, water, and of course, food items, too. He’ll be up in 1-3 hours.

Gotta call Prodigy. I’m sure I have all kinds of junk mail to delete. Gotta shave, gotta polish my nails and whatever else I can think of.

Yesterday I gave my hair another mayonnaise treatment. It really does work well at getting the dryness out. Makes it softer. I topped it off with Infusium.

Later...

Today I got Andy’s 14-page letter. It’s pretty cool and funny. I also got a letter from Bob. I’m going to go type them up and use the disk labels to stick them in BOL #8.

Got myself an unexpected surprise today. I went swimming today and the water’s a little warmer. No noise next door.

Tom did some yard work and it really looks nice out there. He trimmed with the edger after he mowed and swept the grass away since tomorrow they say it’ll be not only windy but very much cooler.

He also brought out this little round raft which is perfect for my size. It’s actually intended for something other than a raft. It’s got 8 small spots for glasses around it and in the center, another bigger sunken spot for a thing of ice. The pig will love traveling around in that.

I typed up Bob’s 7-page letter and Andy’s 14-page letter. It’s printing out now.

Later...

I just jumped up to take my antibiotic. Don’t wanna be too late on it.

Amazingly enough, I got up at 12:30 today. Even after yesterday’s long nap.

Well, gotta go check the printer now. Later I’ll be back to write more.

Later...

I taped in my letters.

Tom’s cooking pork chops now while we’re watching the movie Police Academy.

Later...

OK, I’m back. Tom just went to bed. Dinner was good.

I cut another big baggy of lettuce for the pig.

Tomorrow Tom’s going to work on this guy Eldon’s (a friend of his) computer.

Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day and we’re both going to call my mom tomorrow night.

Next Sunday I’ll be meeting his parents (finally).

Tom went grocery shopping this morning and he picked up the vitamin E Dr. Wilcox recommended. Yup, it does help these tits of mine. Now I gotta get the water pills. Tom’s been having a hard time finding them. I think our best bet would be to go to a drugstore for them.

Hang on while I go potty.

Later...

I got an idea last night for the waterbed. I was thinking of taking the foam pad off the twin bed and sticking it on the side I sleep on. This will make the sheets cling to it better. You know how waterbed sheets are always slipping off.

After I try that, I will go look in the TV guide and see if there are any good movies on tonight or not. If not, I’ll type letters. I’ll do that anyway as I usually tape whatever I watch to zip through the commercials. That is unless I’m watching HBO or Cinemax.

I need to call Andy too, to let him know his letter arrived today.

Later...

I just typed letters to Fran, Bob and Kim. In a few minutes, I’m going to watch a movie.

I love my piggy, but sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a small poodle. Something you can run around with. Also, they have no dander, don’t shed, and don’t need to be declawed. No litter box, either.

Well, till later.

Later...

I know I’ve said this before, but I have to do something about my weight. I recognize the old, yet familiar pattern. It’s been 101-103 too much lately. I’ll keep gaining 2-3 pounds a month if I don’t stop it now. I must lose 2-3 inches all around. If my parents are coming within the next few months, I’d like for them to see I’m still thin. It’ll be fine with them and they’ll love me just the same if I’m chunky, but I prefer to be thin, regardless of what others want for me.

Late at night, they play all these commercials of sexy girls to call. That’s my idea of pictures for Tom. I’ll surprise him, but right now the VCR is in use, taping a movie.

Sunday, May 8, 1994

I hope Tom hurries up and gets home. Last night we agreed we’d call my parents. For two reasons. One’s cuz it’s Mother’s Day and the other’s so they can talk with Tom. I have a feeling he may have an excuse not to call. Does he really want to talk to them or even meet them? I wonder about this, but we’ll see what he says when he gets in.

Next Sunday I’ll be meeting his parents, but now I wonder if I’ll be able to be up at a decent hour. I didn’t get up till 2:30 today.

I talked to Tammy who says Bill’s doing better. She’s got a cold, though, or something. She said Larry called her. They only spoke for two minutes. He was in Missouri.

They made it sound like it was going to be very chilly today. Well, it’s not hot, but it’s not chilly either.

The pool doesn’t feel too bad, but it is very windy out. They say we may have T-storms tonight or tomorrow.

I’m very hungry now, so I think I’ll go cook some chicken wings.

Later...

I just threw in a few chicken wings and did the dishes.

I think I just heard Tom. If he isn’t back in an hour then, I’m not going to call my mom. If we don’t call my mom I’ll keep my mouth shut for a few days and see if he mentions it. If he doesn’t, I’ll remind him that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to and he can tell me so up front.

Later...

Tom got home about 20 minutes ago and we did try calling my parents, but there was no answer.

I ate and now he’s eating.

I also talked to Andy for a few minutes. Between both of us, we’ve got lots of mail to go out tomorrow. He’s got his bills, book club and whatever computer stuff. I’ve got letters to Fran, Bob, Kim, Tammy, Bill, my nieces and my parents.

God, my face has been so greasy. Guess that’s better than it being all dry and flaky, though.

I just printed out 3 pictures from tapes but they’re too light. Time for a new color ribbon. That video thing’s so fun. When we get a new ribbon, I’m going to do some of Gloria. I’m going to do different stuff for Tom, and I have a real surprise for him and Andy both. I’m going to take the video of me and Andy performing at the pub and the Frontier and print some of those out.

Later...

That guy Eldon gave Tom an old VCR for working for him today. He just sprayed electrical spray on it, so I’m in my room now till the smell goes away. Later on tonight, I may use whichever VCR to print out some pictures.

He’s on the phone now talking to David.

I have been running a mile a minute here and now I gotta slow down.

Tom was really tired so we didn’t have any fun tonight. That’s alright though as amazingly enough, I’m not all that horny for being 3 days away from my period.

Tuesday, May 10, 1994

I have several things to write about, but then again, maybe I should wait till tomorrow.

Tomorrow we’re bombing this place, thank fucking God. I’m sick of finding at least 3 spiders a day.

I’m getting blood drawn again tomorrow to see if my white blood cell count is normal again. Of course, we’re taking the pig with us. Getting blood drawn won’t take 2-3 hours, so what else we’ll do and where else we’ll go, who knows? I’ll save the rest of my news for either later or tomorrow.

Later...

I am at the doctor’s now waiting to be stuck. She said it won’t be too long, but we’ll see.

Before we left we set off the bombs. Piggy’s in the car with Tom.

Wednesday, May 11, 1994

Now I finally have time to update. Yesterday me and Tom broke a record. He went down on me and I came twice. No one else has ever been able to make me cum twice.

I spoke to Ma a couple of days ago and she tried to call us too on Mother’s Day, but we both missed each other’s calls. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Got a Bob letter two days in a row and Kim called yesterday, too. She had me play a joke on Phil, her very much ex. He placed a personal ad on a 900-voicemail system and I called with a bogus Northampton number and name, saying I was very interested in meeting him. She’s going to reimburse us and wrote a check to Tom for $10.

She’d also like to visit again in the summer or fall and maybe go to Vegas. Tom said he’d like to go, too. That’s cool. I thought he’d want to avoid Kim.

She’s got letters on their way to me, too.

So, it didn’t take long for the blood work, then we went to get cash, then to KFC, then to Jack-n-the-Box, then home. We were gone for about two hours.

Upon getting home, we opened the place up and turned the EC on. No more spiders!

When Tom woke me up yesterday, damn was he horny! Unfortunately, I was too tired to respond.

I printed address labels for the people I write to a lot except for Bob since he may be moved out to Gardner.

Speaking of address labels, a Veteran company sent me about 90 of them on a sheet. Right before I get married, huh? That’s OK, though, cuz I’ll use them for Fran, as well as entry separators. They weren’t overly impressive. Just so-so. They had 4 different things preceding the address. Eagles, flags, rainbows and fireworks. I put the labels in the front cover of my journal.

I’m mailing Nerv tons of computer catalogs. Yup, Tom gave me lots of NPN cards for catalogs I know he didn’t get yet. I printed out 2 sheets, each of 14, so that totals 28 labels of Nerv’s name and address, so I only had to write 4 by hand. So, he should get 32 catalogs, all from different states.

Later...

Tom’s home from work now, eating dinner and getting the basketball scores on the TV in the back room.

In the living room, I’m recording Friday the 13th. They’re having about 5 episodes from Wednesday-Friday.

Within an hour or so, he’ll be going to bed, seeing how he’s been up since 5 AM. After he’s in bed, I’ll probably do some typing. Last night I used all those free labels I got, plus some of the ones I already had.

Later...

I was about to expand on my labels, but Tom and I got to talking, then he crashed.

I had several journals, especially the earlier ones, with calendars, and other little things here and there, taped in the front and back covers. I had written stupid stuff like numbers on the back and front covers, making it look confusing and unorganized. That’s the original purpose of covering them with pictures of flowers from calendars and whatever the hell else. I took off the pictures I had taped on and re-covered the confusing mess back up with address labels.

Thursday, May 12, 1994

They say when one falls in love (or thinks they are), they’re compensated with weight gain. Well, they were right as I continue to get bigger. The sooner I stop worrying about it and trying to change it, the better I’ll feel. So, let the fat come! This also happened with Brenda and Kacey. Yeah, well, no chance of me leaving Tom, so God can pile all the pounds on me he wants.

I finished watching the movie I taped.

I was typing letters earlier to my parents and to Tammy and I figured out how to insert symbols and special characters.

I had another idea about my weight. Why don’t I try to get fat? Cuz, you know that the harder you try for something, the less likely you are to get it. That rule didn’t apply to me with women, though. Even when I wasn’t looking I never got approached by anything spectacular.

Tomorrow I will have my period. That’ll only make my tummy a little flatter for 24-48 hours or so, so I’ll just go with the flow, do whatever my body’s going to do and not try to resist it. By August I’ll probably be 106-110 on our scale here. I’ll keep a regular log of it. Earlier the scale said 102 and my waist was a sickening 27”. The last time I had a 27” waist, I weighed 110-115. Someday I could weigh 100 and have a 29” waist. It feels like I get way more inches for the pounds. Tom keeps insisting I’m skinny and that’s fine and that’s his opinion, but what’s really important is how I feel. That’s what really counts and I no longer can as easily look in the mirror. That is unless I’m not nude.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 8 AM and got up at 2:30 PM. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep till 4:00 or 5:00 and that I wasn’t tired all day. Especially with the rain too, cuz that usually makes me tired.

Friday, May 13, 1994

Got up at 2:30 PM yesterday. Got 6 hours of sleep, but I’m not tired. Woke up with my period, too.

I went swimming at 6 PM. It was nice and within the next week, the temperature will be climbing. Tomorrow will be 93º, and for Saturday, 97º. Sunday & Monday, 100º. Who knows if I’ll be lucky enough to have a peaceful swim this weekend? I’ll probably get screamed out by the lovely animals next door. Will they really ever go to Idaho? Who knows, but I’m definitely going to Vegas from June 14-17. We’ll be married on the 15th. Can’t wait!

Fran called earlier all upset about that girl Annette. Tom thought it was really neat how I calmed him down and got his mind off of it.

Yesterday Tammy brought Bill home from the hospital, so that’s cool.

I wrote letters to Bob and Kim. Got 2 letters today from Bob and I should hear from Kim tomorrow. I’m sending out my letter to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf, so we’ll see where that goes.

I exercised and will continue to regardless of where my weight goes.

Wanna go for a swim right now, but I’m sure it’s too chilly now.

Well, now I’m going to go start typing up more of #4.

I sure did lots of typing on #4 tonight. I typed 10 pages, which only took 5 on the computer. I made some spaghetti, and wonder if BOL #8 will be finished tomorrow?

I gotta take a break and lay down for a while, so I’ll see ya.

Later...

I forgot to mention that yesterday I got a call from Dr. Wilcox’s office. My white blood cell count has improved. In 3 weeks I gotta get blood drawn again, though.

I did even more typing on #4. I typed a total of 8 pages through the night. There are 53 lines per page. I think that’s 505 lines altogether. That’s a lot. Most of the shit I’m typing is either way off the wall or shit I really don’t care to remember.

Spoke to Tam and gave her our wedding date. She said she wished she could be there. Me too, but what can anyone do?

Tom just turned the shower off and will soon be off to work. Poor guy. He’s running late, too.

Well, gotta go set the VCR.

Saturday, May 14, 1994

I am so fucking pissed! There’s nothing like having everything break down on you at once. God just insists for whatever reason that I don’t do any computer work right now. The printer’s fucked up, so I can’t print out Bob’s and Fran’s letters. The VCR keeps flashing that the timer’s on and I can’t turn it off! I swear I’m on the verge of handwriting all my letters again! And fuck working with the video blaster!

The good news that I amazingly have is that I got one letter each from Bob and Kim today and BOL #8 is done.

Kim sent Tom a check for $15. That was nice of her. I thought she said she was sending $10.

Fran called and we talked for two hours. We got Andy on the line at one point and he had Fran call his friend Mary who’s also in Springfield. We called Nervous and Crystal a few times and they only spoke briefly and hung up. I couldn’t get Crystal to go off like I wanted her to. Nervous was drunker than hell. Lastly, we ordered them a pizza, but who knows if they’ll get it? You can’t get into their front door with no key.

Tomorrow we’re going grocery shopping. I mean today (early this morning).

I’ll probably be too tired to swim today, but who cares when I’m sure all they’re going to do is scream all day next door.

Don’t they ever go anywhere? I swear these people are home more than I am. When did they move in? November or December? Maybe even October? I’d have to look it up, but my point is that they’ve spent a total of no more than 4 days out. Tom says that if they really do go to Idaho, it’s tradition to go on Memorial weekend. So many people talk but never do, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. And also hope that if they do split, God won’t stick me with someone else’s noise. It didn’t sound like anyone would be renting cuz the guy’s going to stay there the bulk of the time and fly up on weekends. That’s what she said.

Later...

I just did some typing on #4, the only thing I can do tonight on the computer that works.

My waterbed sheets have been staying on a hell of a lot better since I cut the corners at the headboard, making straps. It’s a very hard thing to describe in writing, but it works.

I also did some exercises.

I hope Andy didn’t get killed or something when he went for his walk after Fran and I talked to him. He said he’d call back, but I’m sure he fell asleep. I still have a keen enough 6th sense and I’d have a lousy feeling in my gut if there was anything wrong.

I’ve got 8 hours’ worth of movies taped. This will be good for those days when I don’t feel like doing anything at all. That’s usually only 1-2 times a month, but it’s good for those kinds of days.

In about 4 hours we’ll be going grocery shopping.

Sunday, May 15, 1994

Got a letter from Bob and got a letter from Kim today.

I’m certainly going to have a lot of movies taped. Six of them, and in 40 minutes or so, I’m going to watch another. One is about ice skaters trying for gold and falling in love while they're at it.

I got up at 6 PM and could’ve easily gone to Tom’s parents' house tomorrow morning. Guess why I’m not, though? Cuz Tom says there’ll be some cousins, “ants” and uncles who are jerks. Don’t I know all too well about that one?

It was 101º today. I went out back a couple of times in the early evening and guess who I could hear? It pisses me off and it’s also very depressing. Except for dogs, it used to be so quiet and peaceful back there. I still hang onto the hope that as the temperature gets hotter and hotter, they’ll shut their fucking door. Better yet, leave. It’s better than having them right outside my bedroom, though, and during the winter they oughta have their doors shut. I never could really hear them in the back till recently.

Well, it’s nice to know the music’s quiet across the street, their dog’s quiet next door and the dog across the street has been long gone.

Also, not one spider since we bombed. That’s just great cuz by now I’d have found about 20 more.

The more I think about it I realize that it doesn’t matter if they leave next door cuz if they do, God will send someone else to irk me.

Later...

I know I’ve bitched and bitched, but I guess I just always have something to whine about with life’s many ups and downs and changes. However, next door, for example, really hits me hard cuz of the NHA. Also, the VV and CC, but especially the NHA.

I’m bummed now cuz I want to go swimming today. Well, I might want to. We’ll have to see how tired I am. The point is that I live in a house that will sound like an apartment complex out back.

Again I ask God why He insists on doing this to me. What does He want from me? No matter when I may think about having a kid, I know it is not meant to be. There are more reasons for it not to be meant to be, than for it to be meant to be, so why does He insist on exposing me to kids’ noise so much? I don’t care that it’s a fraction of the NHA’s noise, either. I want to know what the point is. What did I ever do to any child for Him to use them against me? Is it cuz I pissed off adults when I was a child? Every child does, so why me? There are enough people in this world, you know, who don’t have to put up with having their own backyards screamed out. Especially in a house.

It would ease my mind right now if I knew for sure they were going to Idaho or would shut their fucking doors.

Tom’s up now, so I’ll continue this later. He’s up early. I thought he’d sleep in today.

Later...

Last night I went through a catalog for work at home. Sending mailing lists, stuffing envelopes, etc.

I slept from 10 AM to 7:30 PM and feel so much better. Today’s the last day of my antibiotics.

Tomorrow oughta be a great day. It’ll be Monday, and too hot for them to have their doors open.

Tom said he was glad I didn’t go to his parent’s house today. He said there were 4 kids and 20 adults. All in a house half the size of ours.

He surprised me today with a teddy bear journal (#74) that was only $2.49.

Monday, May 16, 1994

I’m printing out shots of Andy and I performing at the Pub and Frontier. I hope it comes out OK. Andy’s going to love it and I’ll send copies to my parents, Tammy, Bob and Kim too, eventually. This will be so much fun, but right now I’ve got to go see how it’s printing out. It takes forever and I’ve got sooo many scenes of sooo many different things that I want to print out.

Later...

Picture #1 came out so-so. Parts of it were either too light or too dark. People’s faces were one big white blob. You couldn’t see much detail. We need a new ribbon. Also, Tom said he’d show me how to lighten and darken things. How to change picture sizes, too.

I wonder if my package from my folks will arrive today. I hope so if she mailed it last Tuesday or Wednesday.

The journal Tom got me is so cute. It’s so sweet of him too, and he said he finally wanted to buy me a journal without me there.

I’ll have to ask for Andy’s help in mid-June or so, to take me somewhere to get something for Tom’s birthday.

Well, let me go check on how picture #2 is making progress.

Later...

Picture #2 came out lousy, but we’ll see how #3 comes out. I definitely have lots of questions for Tom. I’m going to try to print a Gloria picture as I’m curious to see how that comes out. I’ll try more of Norah, too.

Later...

Yay! I’m so psyched. I showed Tom how shitty the pictures came out and he said it was cuz I was starting with the picture too small on the screen. He also said he’d show me how to fix it sometime. Well, guess what? I figured out how to fix it for myself. So, this is what I’ll be doing for a while, then maybe I will go for a swim.

Tuesday, May 17, 1994

I have so much to write about, but I am temporarily all written out. I’ll do a quick rundown on things.

I got all psyched up last night for nothing, but Tom said he’ll show me what I’m doing wrong with printing pictures.

I got 2 letters from Kim, 2 from Bob and 1 from David. He’s an inmate where Bob is and the letter he sent was nice. I have another pen pal possibly.

BOL #9 has 38 pages done already.

Wednesday, May 18, 1994

Yesterday I managed to stay up till 2 PM and I got as close to midnight.

Also yesterday, Tom did yard work. I even helped saw off a tree branch.

Tom brought up a very important subject. He said, “I don’t want you to feel controlled or like I’m picking your friends, but I don’t think it’s wise to be pen pals with anyone else in prison.”

He brought up some other things to consider, too. The guy lived in Arizona for 5 years, knows the area, knows people here, and is in for involuntary manslaughter which is a common plea bargain for murder. He’s right, and that’d be all I’d need is for him to get released, come out here and stalk me. Usually, the only way to rid yourself of a stalker is to kill them. I certainly don’t feel like having to go out, learn to shoot, then kill this guy. Or anyone else.

I’ll explain all this to Bob, but I think he’s just been transferred. In the letter I got today from him he says he’d like to call collect to let me know the new address. As I was falling asleep I forgot to ask Tom if he could accept his call, if he did call. He did call, but Tom refused. Oh well. He also left me a message saying Andy, Fran and Kim called, too.

In a half-hour he should be getting up, then after he leaves I’ll dust and vacuum.

Later...

I’m so tired now. Just exhausted, but I don’t want to go to bed just yet. Let’s see… what can I write about? Well, for starters, Bob called and gave me his new address in Gardner. He says it’s so much better there than in Concord. Easier for Kim to visit here and there, too, cuz Gardner’s an hour away, whereas Concord’s a little over two hours. Any mail already on its way to Concord will be transferred to Gardner. I went to the computer and opened his address file, typed in his new address (now that I know this is his last transfer) and printed out a sheet of labels.

Speaking of labels, got my cactus labels. When I’m officially married, there’ll still be plenty of the old ones left to use as entry headers.

Thursday, May 19, 1994

Tammy got her address labels today. She liked them a lot and I just realized the second order of mine could be out front so I’d better go check.

Nope. It’s not, but I might get it tomorrow.

Got the package from Mom yesterday of one huge stuffed cheetah, leopard, or whatever. Tom and I aren’t sure, but it’s cute.

I went for a very quick swim in the Jacuzzi today. The pig did too. Early this morning the water temp was 76º and it was almost 80º an hour ago. I may go for another swim after I finish writing.

I got 1 letter from Kim and 2 from Bob. Bob’s artwork is really improving. Kim also sent me 3 letters she’d gotten from Bob. I typed them letters and quickly chatted with Fran. They’re about to turn his phone off. His bill’s currently $1,500. Ha, ha!

Now I think I will go, after all, and see what the pool’s like now.

Later...

I changed my mind about going swimming. I could, as it’s far from freezing, but it’s very windy. I only like it windy when it’s 100º or higher.

I’m watching Donoghue now. God, guys are so horny and so easy. I can bet you that 99% of guys hit on by a woman will jump to the opportunity right then and there. There’s nothing wrong with being a whore if your partners are willing, but guys are such major whores.

Saturday, May 21, 1994

Today's been a real frustrating day so far. I went to wash my pillows and one came apart. The other one's all bunched up. At least it's quiet next door. So far.

Sunday, May 22, 1994

Well, well. I’ve got quite a bit to write about this time around. Let me first think about all the little things to tell about before I get into bigger things.

Well, Tammy got her kitten labels. Mine oughta come at the beginning of this week.

Andy and I were going to go to some yard sales yesterday, but he got sick.

I’m starting to get some color once again and I haven’t laid out either. I won’t do that ever again cuz all I do is get chased by bees and get sun poisoning.

Yesterday, in my opinion, wasn’t a good day, but it could’ve been much much worse. I woke up today with the attitude that yesterday was done and over with. First my pillowcase came apart in the washer, as I had mentioned before. Once again the reality of being trapped on cigarettes till they kill me had me bummed. Tom watched basketball all day, then we went swimming.

At one point in the pool, Tom started to initiate sex, but after a few minutes, I began to get really chilly. I wasn’t going to mention it, but it was making me so tense and rigid that I had to. He then put on the spa and I had a smoke while I was waiting for it to warm up. When it did warm up I got in and began giving him a hand job. He didn’t seem overly aroused but aroused enough, so I thought. When we went to get out he seemed bummed and when I asked why he said it was cuz it was hard for him to restart again. I had mentioned finishing our business in bed, but he just couldn’t seem to get in the mood again.

Up till yesterday, it seemed to be that we swapped shoes in a way. Remember how I was the one who was always horny and would be begging for him to initiate sex more? Well, now it seems the other way around. Guess I go through my phases with that.

Well, things are far from bad with us and both of us are still eager to get married, but there are still a few things I don’t get. When he said how he didn’t want to be held back (sexually I mean), I didn’t get that cuz he’s held his own self back. I used to think that he couldn’t cum by me but now I think he can. If he can get so hard so many times, he can cum. There were several times he was about to cum and he just stopped, so why he’d hold back beats me. I don’t want to put him on the spot, though, and ask him. If he chooses not to cum by me, then that’s his choice.

This morning he told me he didn’t sleep too well cuz yesterday was a bad day. He said he’s not blaming me for it or trying to put a guilt trip on me, but I feel that way anyhow. I feel like he’s not going to initiate sex later as a punishment for yesterday. He always tells me to look ahead, don’t take things so seriously, so then why is it still a big deal? I can understand something very traumatic being a big deal for a while, but yesterday really wasn’t all that bad.

Lastly, when I went to put on a certain shirt I jokingly said we oughta get married with me in it and he looked mortified. I hope he knows me well enough to know I was joking. He seems to be taking some things too seriously. I resent his saying I’ve taken away all the things that turn him on about me. If I’ve turned him off so badly, wouldn’t he not want to be with me? Also, I dress with my tits hanging out which is bull. There was only this one shirt and I didn’t even know it till he mentioned it. Now I’m going to be paranoid about what I wear when we go out. My body is for him and him only, but I cannot and will not live to please others. I can’t spend my whole life worrying about what they think of me or my clothes. I just don’t feel I should need to worry about what a stranger approves or disapproves of. I just hope that Tom knows that I am for him only, regardless of whatever some stranger may be thinking when they see me in public.

Regardless of this, we both do love each other very much, have way more better days than most couples, and want very much to be married.

I called Florida today, but only my mom was there. She and Dad are both going to call back this week. She asked Tom about his life in general. Tom told him about his work, being here all his life and that we’ll be married in Vegas. Ma mentioned getting us a portable dishwasher for a wedding present. Cool. No, she never went into why we shouldn’t have kids.

Well, that’s pretty much it. We both swam today and it’s been so quiet next door, across the street, and with dogs.

Later...

Well, I’m now recording the first part of the Menendez Brothers’ murder case. It’s a 2-part movie about these 2 brothers who murdered their parents. It’s based on a real-life true story.

Tom mentioned us fooling around, but we were both really hungry so we ate. I think we’re both going to be too tired.

Monday, May 23, 1994

Got a letter from Bob. One of the happiest he’s ever written. He really likes it better where he is.

I also got 5 returns for info on home computer work which I’ll have Tom check out later on.

Today is a weird day! Last night Tom and I cuddled, but we were both too beat for sex. He reminded me to wear whatever I want, regardless of if it’d be something he’d wear or not if he were me. It’s true that he never plays daddy, otherwise I wouldn’t marry him or be here.

The phone’s ringing, but I ain’t answering it. People always call when I’m busy. Kim called and she’s sending stamps and envelopes. Cool cuz my supply is running out and I don’t want to reorder now. I want to save all my money for Vegas.

She’s also mailing me a tape of different outgoing messages for the VM. There are people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rosanne Barr, Joan Rivers, Star Trek, Madonna, David Letterman and some others.

Andy got Sabrina’s letter and he read it to me. It’s sooo funny and he’s putting it in tomorrow’s mail (I hope).

I went for a few swims today.

Tom and I went over the business info I got. He’s going to check them out on the computer. Some sounded hopeful and some sounded shady.

Speaking of computers, boy did I get so mad and bummed! I accidentally deleted 6-7 pages I typed on and off all day today, but when Tom got home he recovered it. Andy said, “Thank God you’re marrying a genius.” How true indeed. What a heroic rescue.

Well, I’m sort of tired now and tomorrow will be a big day, so I think I’ll just go take it easy.

Tuesday, May 24, 1994

Just got this pen at the grocery store. It’s the same kind as the blue one I’ve been writing with.

Got my meds too, and the guy came today to do the appraisal. We hope all goes well with that and fast.

I am so tired, so I’m going to make this quick. Today was a fun and productive day. Tom and I also made love.

We had T-storms today and for the first time in a while, my allergies acted up. I took an allergy pill and I’m much better now, but very tired.

I’m going to go shut the computer off and try to get some sleep. I need it.

Kim called telling me she won’t be able to mail out the tape, stamps, and envelopes till Friday. That’s OK, cuz we got some stamps and envelopes.

Wednesday, May 25, 1994

Where the hell is the mail? Oh well, I guess it’s still early enough. I just stepped out to put out Bob’s letter and I saw his truck so he’s on his way. I hope he has Sabrina’s letter and letters from Bob and Kim, too. I do have more to write about, but I’m not in the mood just yet. I’ll fill you in later.

Yup, just got Sabrina’s letter which was so funny! This guy can’t spell, make any sense, and never uses any periods. Sabrina and I wrote him back and I’m sending letters to Kim and Bob. I’m going to send Fran’s letter to Kim. She’ll get a major kick out of it, then send it to Bob.

Fran left me a message for Bob’s address saying he knows people in prison where he is. I sent Bob’s address and I also sent Bob Fran’s address.

I talked with Tammy who dropped a jug of juice, stepped on it and had to get stitches in her foot. Good, God! I feel like not only did I leave the curse that was on me behind, upon coming here, but that now the curse is on them.

Today’s their anniversary, too. I sure hope their next one’s 100% better.

I called Ma and told her and she said (as we were about to hang up) “I bought you something. Yes, it’s real. You can wear it at your wedding to feel like I’m there with you, but only if you want to.”

Tom had a great idea last night. We’re going to get some dorky shirts there for the wedding.

Both Mom and Dad will be calling either Friday or Saturday night.

Well, I think I’ve remembered to write about everything I wanted to. Going to go play a computer game!

Thursday, May 26, 1994

Got a lot done today. I finished typing up #5 and then I typed all of #7. How’d I do that? Easy. It was only 20 pages or so cuz the old little #10 was recopied into #7 when I lived at the Vista Ventana. Remember? The remainder of #7 is being used for an ongoing journal chart.

I’m outside now and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s the perfect temp now. Not too cool, not too hot. It’s not very easy to write out here, though. Wish there was a table out here.

Guess Tom needs to chlorinate the pool. It’s a lovely shade of jade green.

I’m momentarily going to put the stuff I want to write about on hold.

Later...

OK, I’m going to write till Tom’s dinner is digested. Then it’s playtime for us.

Got 3 letters today from Bob and 1 from Kim. Got a total of 204 letters now and BOL #9 has 38 pages left in it now.

Andy called with Sarah on the line who’s playing Sabrina and I read her Fran’s letter. She was cracking up.

I was out bouncing my superball off the laundry room door when Tom came home. He shocked the pool.

So, their last name is M next door. A catalog came in their name. I brought it over, hoping that’d be a great opportunity to see if they’re really going to Idaho, or if they’re all talk. No one came to the door, though, cuz I doubt my knocking could be heard over all those screaming kids.

I’ve been playing another computer game Tom showed me. It’s kind of cool and lots of fun.

Later tonight I’ll begin typing #6. I thought about maybe typing up the quicker ones, though, first. What I mean by quicker ones is that there are a few with large print.

Andy and I may shoot again for going to yard sales this Saturday morning.

What am I forgetting to mention? Guess I’ve covered everything. I still can’t wait till we get new ribbons, but that’ll probably be after we’re married. There are so many pictures I want to eventually print out.

Friday, May 27, 1994

Andy will be here any time now. Of course, he was supposed to be here two hours ago, but you know how he is. Always late.

Been back and forth from the pool all day. Getting a bit more color.

Saturday, May 28, 1994

Tom came home early yesterday, and Andy got here shortly after. He swam a bit and we talked and he played the new Stevie single he bought on his way over here. After he left, mom and dad called and Tom and I spoke with them. It was a nice chat.

Ma says Larry’s going to be calling. Cool, but with my luck, it’ll be when Andy and I are out at yard sales.

Andy called last night with his sister Marla in California on the line. She was telling me all about her new and very impressive computer and that she’d eventually send me a message on Prodigy. Tom also talked with Marla and her husband even cuz they had lots of questions for Tom.

Andy will be calling any second to tell me he’s on his way over.

Tom’s going to go help Eldon with his computer cuz it’s trashed.

Later...

This afternoon Andy picked me up. We were out for about 3 hours. We couldn’t find any yard sales. It was kind of late for that, but we drove through some absolutely gorgeous neighborhoods.

First we went to JB’s where I ordered a pork chop dinner. It sucked so it was comped. All I got was a sundae and an iced tea.

When we couldn’t find any yard sales, we went to a pawn shop. There, I got an oldies CD and the CD Trio with Linda, Dolly and Emmylou. I have it on tape, but it’s finally nice to have it on CD. I sing a lot of the songs on that CD. At another store, I got Lush Life by Linda. Another one I only had on tape and most of those songs I enjoy singing.

Got 2 letters from Bob, 1 Bob sent Kim and 1 from Kim to me. She also surprised Andy with a letter.

When Andy and I got back here we went swimming. The pool’s the most comfortable it’s been all year so far. Andy hung out for an hour or so. I read him Bob’s letters. He also pointed out that I put the shelf up wrong that he’d given me when I was doing wall art at his place. I fixed it and I hope it holds.

Oh! Almost forgot. Got the diamond earrings my parents sent. Yes, they’re very beautiful.

No call from Larry yet. He sure won’t recognize this place. When he was last here, there were no wall drawings and that old ugly kitchen paneling was still up.

Now, I’m going to go change the batteries in my speakerphone.

Later...

Where in the world is Tom? I guess Eldon’s situation with his computer was as horrible as Tom said it was when he called him last night. Anyway, I thought he’d be back between 4:00 - 6:00, but I guess not.

Tammy says she’s back on Prodigy. She hooked it up. I’ll leave her a message maybe tomorrow. I just haven’t really felt like doing any computer work today. I’ll probably type some letters, too.

No calls from Fran. I wonder if he’s already lost his phone. If not, I’m sure it’ll be soon enough. Maybe Larry will call tomorrow, but Ma said something about Wisconsin, but that’s quite a way away.

I changed the batteries on the speakerphone. I watched some TV and there are 1 or 2 movies I’ll be taping. Tomorrow we have to get Piggy another big bail of sawdust. I mailed Becky’s birthday card out today and on the 1st I’ll mail Mom’s out. Well, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll just go veg out.

Monday, May 30, 1994

Well, it was on this day two years ago that I found out I’d be moving to Phoenix.

Today was a good one. Larry called, but I wasn’t awake enough to talk to him. I hope he catches me the next time.

Not much else happened today. We got more sawdust and some treats for Piggy, did computer work, and went swimming.

There’s no mail tomorrow cuz of Memorial Day, so hopefully Tuesday will bring me lots of mail.

They’ve been so quiet next door and they were definitely out today. Could they have gone to Idaho? I sure hope so, but I won’t count on it.

Later...

Tom got home right after I last wrote. He had quite a bit to fix on Eldon’s computer.

We just had pork chops and now I’m full.

Tomorrow’s the 102º day, so I heard, and it’s going to be a great swimming day.

Tom just said he thinks it’s best to get wedding rings after we’re married so we’ll have money for Vegas. I agree, but it would’ve been nice to have rings at the wedding. Why must love be so expensive?

Come to think of it, I think Larry’s just going to be calling, not coming to visit.

Well, there’s nothing else going on at the moment. I’m taping a movie and Tom’s eating. He’s on Prodigy now and I have my first of two loads of clothes in the dryer, which I guess he’s waiting for. I suppose I could call Prodigy to see if I have any messages from Marla or Tammy, but I doubt it. Tammy’s too busy, and Marla’s told me it may be a while.

When am I going to bed? I have no idea, but I think I’ll go listen to my music.

Tom just said he feels much better. He hadn’t eaten all day long.

Later...

Just got done swimming with Tom. It’s really hot out and the water felt so good.

He’s checking to see if the start of our sign language program works, then we’re going to have fun.

Again they’re not home next door. What luck, huh? I sure hope they split to Idaho. It’d be even nicer if they decided just how much they missed it and sold their house to a nice old couple. One with no little grandkids who hardly ever have company. No dogs, either. Hopefully, they’re cat, bird, or fish lovers instead.

Later...

The typing of #6 is going pretty fast. Within the next couple of days, I should be done with it. Then, I’ll be skipping #7 cuz I already typed it and I’ll do #8.

Swimming was lots of fun today and it was 105º today. They say it’ll be 102º tomorrow and 107º the next day. Wow! Summer’s definitely here. The pool shouldn’t be too chilly for the next handful of months. Even in the middle of the night, it will be extremely warm.

They were definitely gone all weekend as I said before. (next door) I still haven’t heard them return and I definitely think I would’ve if they were back. As the parents were unpacking, I’m sure the kids would’ve been screaming back and forth with them. I hope they’re in Idaho and seriously enjoying it.

After I let enough time go by, cuz I just took my meds, I’ll make some popcorn. Yummy!

Larry didn’t try to call back again, but Tammy said he called her. She said they only spoke for two minutes. He was in Wisconsin on his way to Colorado.

I hope I have a generous supply of mail tomorrow. Kim’s answering machine tapes, envelopes, stamps, and whatever the hell else may arrive tomorrow.

Going to go finish my coffee now.

Tuesday, May 31, 1994

I just typed a letter to Bob and have one ready for Kim tomorrow, too.

I don’t really feel like watching TV now. I watched a little while I ate my popcorn, though. Guess now I’ll go listen to some music or just veg out for a while till I can fall asleep.

Tomorrow I have to get blood drawn, meet Tom’s parents, and we’re also planning on videotaping me signing for the sign language program we hope to launch.

Later...

I am in the car right now, heading to get stuck. Lucky me, huh?

We’re not sure if we can see his parents cuz he called there and they said they were going out.

Yuck. I’m coughing up lots of sticky stuff.

It’s too bumpy for me to write now, so I’ll continue either in the doctor’s office or at home.

Later...

I am at the doctor’s office now. Amazingly there was one other guy only in the waiting room. He just went to get stuck first.

We’re going to KFC after. Then who knows where?

I just asked Tom if he had anything to say in here. He said nope. Not today.

Later...

I’m taping the music awards now. According to Andy, Gloria will be on at some point.

Got 3 letters from Bob today. In one of Bob’s letters, he enclosed a letter from a guy named Donald. He said he talked to him, warning him (Donald) of what’s OK and what’s not OK to write. I made a deal with Bob that anyone can write to me as long as they send their letters through Bob and never get my address. When I write them back, I’ll either write directly to them or send them to Bob to give to them. I know I can trust Bob’s judgment with this.

I got a package from Kim. She sent 2 sheets of 18 stamps. The kind you stick, rather than lick. She sent 2 boxes of envelopes. Each box contained 100 envelopes. Now we’re at a total of nearly 300 envelopes here!

Lastly, she sent 2 tapes of funny outgoing answering messages which I like a lot. I already put one on my voicemail. I duped them on Tom’s stereo and will soon send her back the originals. I’ve got to call Andy and let him know about the tapes and see if he wants to hear them. I’m sure he will. I also have to leave Kim’s address on his VM.

Later...

I just turned the VCR off and later I’ll watch the awards. I zip through 98% of it cuz most of it’s boring. Filled with people I could care less about.

Tom and I swam a lot today. It was fun. He has this plastic boat that’s broken, so it sinks. Therefore, I throw it across the pool and dive down under for it. I can open my eyes under water, but he can’t cuz of his contacts.

Still haven’t seen the van next door. I thought I heard a quick scream or two, but it kind of didn’t sound close enough to be right next door. It could’ve been anywhere, and all kids sound the same to me. They’re all one big scream in my book.

I put the pig on the little round raft and he loved it. He sat there so calmly, totally unafraid. Yes, he really does love the water.

Still no messages on Prodigy from either Tammy or Marla.

I’ll call on the 3rd to wish Becky a happy b-day. I sent a card with a $5-dollar bill. Tomorrow I’ll send out Ma’s card. Her birthday is on the 6th.

Tom called travel agencies today to get info. Only 14 more days left! Yup, in my next journal, I’ll be a married woman! Can you believe it?! I can’t fucking believe it! I never ever thought I’d see that day in my life. Maybe the next, if there is a next, but not in this one.

I think I’ll go watch the awards now.

Oh, I forgot to mention - no calls from Larry. He either gave up or tried to call when we were out but left no message. Oh well.

Later...

I just saw the awards. It was the World Music Awards. Gloria just doesn’t look as good as she did during her Let It Loose album and her Cuts Both Ways album.

I suppose I should shave my legs now, but I’m too lazy.

I saw an interesting commercial for an upcoming show on 20/20. Water births. They say it takes some of the pain and pressure off and makes it easier for the baby. Bet you gotta be rich for that. Water or no water, I can’t imagine something the size of a watermelon ripping through my crotch. Plus, I’d probably have to have a C-section anyway.

Later...

Starting another beautiful journal. This shall be the journal in which I am to be married in. Amazing!

Can’t think of anything to write about at the moment. Just that I’m going to go turn the computer off and watch TV. I expect to listen to music at some point, as well. My nails look pitiful. I better go cut those, too.

Hopefully, by tomorrow book of Letters #9 will be finished. It all depends on what I get in the mail. In the meantime, I will write later or tomorrow.

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tamiveldura · 1 year ago

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This was something I had to work through when I first got into the BuJo community. Daily to-do list? Ok I can grock that, but it's going to be the same 7 things every morning, an alarm for lunch, work on my writing in the afternoon, eat dinner when the hubs comes home and that makes for a really boring list to show off Every Day.

Weekly? That plan changes every morning. Monthly spread? Don't even try.

So now my Bujo is project focused. For example, I have a spread for fitness/workouts.

So I can keep track of what moves I've done so I don't repeat them day after day and cause an injury. But also so I can check how many reps I did last time.

I've started a reading tracker so I can share book-thoughts with my newsletter:

And I've just started a project tracker for writing projects:

All my stickers and washi are in storage so everything is simple grids, but my brain likes a clean grid, so we're going with it.

But no daily journaling or beautiful art spreads or adventure reports because I just don't work like that. I have a routine that Does Not Change (autistic) and that works for me.

Journalers..HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???

No really , like, how do you make your life so interesting you can say a different thing that happened every single day??Like do you guys just randomly have the most incredibly exciting life ??Cuz when i journal it's always the same 3 things that happen every single day, how do you people manage to idk go out every other day , buy a ton of cool but kinda useless stuff just for the pretty of it?? :""l

#i need more stickers #send me artist reccs #mother i crave washi

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cricutcomsignin · 1 year ago

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10 Easy Cricut Projects for Beginners to Try in 2024

Hey! Want some easy Cricut projects for this year? Today, I have a list of Cricut projects that are easier than ever. Also, I received many comments on my previous blog, and many readers wanted me to write on Cricut projects for beginners. Hence, I decided to pile up all such projects without a second thought.

So, what will you find in this blog? Well, I have included 10 easy beginner Cricut projects. They are all very different from each other and may require additional resources to make. But do you know that all projects have one thing in common? You guessed it right! It’s a Cricut machine. Without a craft machine, the projects I mention below would be impossible to create.

Hence, grab your Cricut, search for your favorite projects, and make them using different materials and blanks. You will find everything from personalized shirts to keychains in this post. Now, let’s dive in!

1. Jar Labels

Want some easy Cricut projects? Here are the labels that I created with my Cricut Joy. This is the best idea I can give you if you are a beginner and want to make something easy. This project hardly consumed my time, so I created something useful for my kitchenware. My mom also loves these labels as they help her find the necessary items instantly. So what are you waiting for? Give it a try, and let your mom find the required items immediately.

2. Happy Birthday Acrylic Sign

Every year, we have to celebrate our loved one’s birthday. Why don’t you create something using your Cricut? This will add more love and value to your celebration. As you can see in the picture above, I made this on my grandma’s 60th birthday. And I remember when she asked me to make something on her birthday using my Cricut. She was excited and happy when I got her this birthday acrylic sign. If you want, you can make these signs in advance for upcoming loved ones’ birthdays.

3. Personalized Mug

Personalizing a coffee mug is the best gift idea for all age groups. This is easy and simple to make. Also, you don’t need so much of materials to create this amazing mug. I have only used my Cricut Mug Press and the sublimated Cricut mug. The poly-coated mug works well with vinyl material.

Simply put, vinyl cannot adhere to any mug. Therefore, you will need a mug with a sublimation coating. In short, easy Cricut projects mean personalized mugs because they are easy to create and are considered the best for gifts.

4. Coasters

Do you want to create personalized coasters for your office or home? All you need is infusible ink and Cricut coasters. But wait, you need something! This is nothing but a Cricut machine. Yes, you get that right! A Cricut machine is required to cut your intricate design. Besides, use colorful or single-colored vinyl to transfer it to your coasters blank.

5. Holographic Cricut Vinyl Water Bottles

My children and I love personalized bottles. But our happiness doubles when they are made of holographic Cricut vinyl. This vinyl works like a cherry on the cake! It gives the bottles a gleam and appeal that no one can ignore. So if you are planning to make something similar, then I would suggest you choose a dark-colored bottle, as I have chosen a black bottle. However, try sky blue or light pink if you want a little lighter. Since we all use water bottles, I love making such easy Cricut projects every year.

6. T-Shirt

Want to make something beautiful for your mom? Whether it is her birthday or you want to make her feel special, you can make this simple vinyl T-shirt with the text ‘Blessed Mama.’ In addition, this top-notch quality cut of the Cricut cutting machine will give it a professional look on the T-shirt. So, don’t wait; try this today, as you don’t want to miss a chance to see her smiling.

7. Dog Paw Stickers

Stickers are simple and easy beginner Cricut projects. All of us make stickers for personalizing our diaries or journals. I use them in my planner, too. But wait! Here, there is something different. Recently, I created new paw stickers for my dog’s kennel. I wanted to personalize my dog’s home. But it doesn’t matter what type of stickers you are making; making such easy Cricut projects is always effortless.

8. Keychain

Now, you can also personalize your key chain using acrylic and vinyl. You can transfer the vinyl design made with your Cricut machine to acrylic. However, the key chain I created in the above picture is not made with acrylic but faux leather. Previously, I created many acrylic keychains, but I craved something different this time. Thus, I created a leather-based key chain and used vinyl to make it personalized.

9. Gift Card Holder

Have Cricut but have yet to try this paper gift holder? If so, you must give it a try! This card holder can be used for special occasions such as weddings, birthdays, or festivals. I created this holder using my handy Cricut Maker and cardstock. I don’t know why, but I love making things on cardstock because cutting them on a Cricut seems interesting. Anyway, if you are interested in making this Cricut project, you should never hesitate.

10. Butterfly Birthday Card

Making such a birthday card using an insert card is my favorite one. The insert card gives it a unique and gleaming look that I love. My cutie, the small Cricut Joy, helped me so much in making this easy card. So try this card for your loved ones’ birthday and send them to bring a smile to their face. Also, you can modify the design easily on your Cricut Design Space. Try this on Cricut Joy and add joy to your celebration.

Final Words

In this blog, I have included 10 easy Cricut projects that are simple as well as unique to create on a Cricut cutting machine. So, whether it is jarring labels or butterfly birthday cards, the Cricut does everything you need. Besides, these projects are those that I created when I was a beginner, so they will be useful for you as a beginner. However, if you want to add your creative touch, you are free to do so.

#Easy Cricut Projects #Easy beginner Cricut projects #cricut explore air 2 #cricut design space app #cricut software #install cricut design space app #cricut.com/setup #www.cricut.com/setup login #cricut.com sign in #cricut design space login

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talenlee · 1 year ago

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I Missed My Notebook

I have been bullet journaling now for several years. Longer, I think, than I’ve been doing daily blog posts – the blog posts were facilitated in part through a dedication to using a physical journal to record my daily efforts writing. Late last year, I also picked up a very cheap, not very good sketch pad, which I have been using to also do some sketching, separated from anything ‘important’ that I may want to reference later.

At the time I wrote my pledge in the front of the book: Nothing has to be any good. It’s true. I’m going to spend a lot of my time going forward making things for no purpose but for enjoying the making. I write because I want to write, I draw because I want to draw. Audiences are beautiful and validating and rewarding, I love you so much.

But I also have to act, sometimes like you’re not there.

I’m going to show you some sketches from my book, because they’re not very good and you should see that. You should be able to see how when I hand-draw something, even as someone who does a lot of graphic design work for computer art and games and stuff like that, my drawing looks pretty bad. I’m not practiced, I’m not familiar. Things I do I don’t do very well, and part of that is because I don’t do it enough.

My bullet journal isn’t for public consumption. Sometimes there are things in there that are private, other people’s problems, things I need to keep track of because I’m concerned about someone’s surgery or their emotional wellbeing or their breakup or their need for information recorded for the police. I’m very proud of how I lay it out – it’s a simple, utilitarian layout structure I use for most weeks and I use specialised modules for specific tasks when I need them. I save stickers in it, and calendar pages, and receipts and even some game prototypes.

Mostly, though, it tracks my weeks, any incident that happened, or things that need doing, on any given day, what I made for dinner or lunch if that’s important at the time, and if the dog got walked.

I imagined at the end of 2023 I’d open up my journal and check how many times the dog got walked, what were his longest stretches without a dog walk, how often it was me, how often it was Fox, how often it was both of us, and how often he got rained out versus us being too tired to do it. I thought I’d collate that data, but I wound up deciding not to.

It feels meanspirited, and I know that Elli gets walked most days. Some days he doesn’t. Tracking whether or not he did was really important during 2020 when the days melted together. Tracking it now runs the risk of making it feel like I’m looking across at my partner who shouldn’t be walking out late at night if the air’s too cold and going well, I walked him this many times.

It’s not how it works. Elli wants to go walkies any time he can, we want to walk him when we can, you know how it is. He’s a dog. Not that I’m asking for absolution on my dog walking scheduler. What I am thinking about is the stuff I use my bullet journal to do. This week as I write this – waaay back in the 10th – I got my Bullet Journal for 2024. This book will probably last me the year. It’ll be useful for things like my pay schedule, word counts, proof of when I did things so I can check back on people who think I didn’t do them, budget, and a lot of game design, yes.

I didn’t have it for nine days of the year. Today, I sat down and opened up my new book, and started to write in it.

First I cut out some pages from the front. I found a point in the middle where nobody would care and cut some pages out there, too, to make rulers for the rest of the year. I don’t like measuring out the spreads I use every week, and the pages on this one are subtly not perfectly lined up, so a ruler made of the book’s own dots is useful. I got rid of some pages about How To Use A Bullet Journal because yeah whatever. And I wrote my title page.

Then I put some stickers on it, from my kickstarter copy of Flamecraft.

I went back through the two weeks of the year so far, filling in dates for January, making space for things. I took notes about things that happened on each day, based on my discord history, based on things I could remember. These days we dogsat, these days I did the shopping, this day we had pizza, things like that. It was calming and meditative and felt very relaxing and chill.

More than the actual process being enjoyable, though, I notice most potently afterwards that I missed knowing I had a journal to work on. I missed the idea that I could grab a notepad and do some notes in it and know they’d be there when I wanted to find them again. Having no bullet journal was a sad thing, regardless of whether or not I used the bullet journal at any given moment. Filling in a month spread is mildly bothersome. Measuring the spaces for possible spreads – I thought about maybe writing up a list of everything I watched or how often I got an early night throughout the year – was annoying.

Oh and no, I am not getting an early night right now, oops.

The journal is a process, it’s a task, it’s reference material and it’s on hand. It’s a way I can augment my memory and it’s a way I can use all these lovely things that are part of my life. Stickers do not live in drawers, for me, they get to dance on my pages. I get to parcel out my washi tapes and make little markers of days and months for later reference. I was feeling Teen Girl Squad that day, was I?

When I was done with this writeup, I sat down, pulled out my other, cheap, crappy notebook and drew for a bit. I drew three pictures, you can see them. Two are simple and fine. One is trying to be more complicated and just gets absolutely lost. I hated the face the second I tried to put it in place – what I’d been aiming for in my mind was a look of concern, of fear at being spotted, putting up a hand and backing off. It looks like a very smug, annoyed face to me now. And I will get better with practice as I look at what I did and keep trying to do better.

No moral, no lesson, no great message for you. An insight into me, and some of my art, that isn’t very good. A reminder that it’s all processes, it’s all practices. Don’t feel bad about not being the best, yet.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Diary

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journalsouppe · 2 years ago

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Stardew Valley!!! I love a lot about this spread but I wish I didn't use so many pen colors. This is another game I played before I even started journaling so I had to recall a lot of my older thoughts. Sebby's little corner might've been even bigger 😅 (Y'all might even guess where the name PumpkinSouppe came from, but it is also my favorite dish irl)

The Sebastian sticker is by ArcaneGoldArt! They have a whole collection of all the love interests.

Writing typed below!

Rating: 9.3 Played: Fa 2021 Port: PC (steam) Favorite? Y Replayable? Y Recommend? Y

Comments:

Name: Beans

Farm: Soup

German Shepherd

Beach Farm

Spouse: Seb <3

The Junimo are SO cute

only talked to like 7 characters lol I'm so introverted

had so many wiki pages open

LOVE the dungeons and enemies + the hunter log/achievements

It's sometimes pretty creepy

You can put hats on the horse and children lmao

don't like Shane at all (skull emoji)

stopped playing when I got the child, not the biggest fan [but I'm also against sacrifice]

#1 Krobus fan, love him

love my crazy animal names

made a little statue garden

so many eggplant parms

so much fun catching all the legendary fish!

the movies are so pretty and fun

The Sebastian corner: (DO NOT SAY ANYTHING)

(List of his favorite and liked gifts) Frozen tear, obsidian, pumpkin soup, sashimi, void egg, flounder, quartz

motorcycle kiss T^T

LOVE his theme

when he hid behind the tree lmao (I accidentally planted a tree right in front of where he would stand and I thought he would just disappear once a week and I could never find him)

quit smoking for me

he loves Jasmine tea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you can kiss him <3!!!

Frog Sanctuary

Game Dev notes:

really good day/night + seasonal cycle with relation to player mechanics

great progression of unlockable events -- well paced

great long term achievements

amazing cooking mechanics and storage

no definitive objects, very choose your own adventure!

easy controls, nothing memorable

beautiful pixel art and boundaries

Summary:

One of my all time favorite games. It is the gold standard of farming games and even has one of the best fishing mechanics. I played this during the beginning of my health problem during senior year and it really helped me cope a lot. Although I didn't play multiplayer, my friend and I played at the same time. This game has so many cherished memories especially when I got to compare gameplay with my friend. Made by one man, this is such an unbelievable game. There's unlockable events after x amount of years that entice players to continue playing.; There's also no one way to play, for example I was a lot more introverted and only talked to a few characters whereas my friend played more socially. Maybe someday I'll continue playing to complete more achievements. My one gripe is there's a lot of responsibilities to get back into, so it's a little hard to get back into. It's one of the games I can recommend to everyone. It's hard if you makes it hard, cozy if you make it cozy, etc. Excellent designs, animation, gameplay, story, choices, etc. My worry is that this game is so well crafted I'm worried playing other farming games won't live up, I am so excited for ConcernedApe's new game. He is a major inspiration to start making my own games. I have also heard modded Stardew is really good and really worth checking out. All in all, a superb game loved by so many fans. Highly recommend.

#bullet journal #journalsouppe #journal #video game journal #stardew valley #stardew sebastian

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rylie-studies · 4 years ago

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january 11, 2021 ♡

Good morning, lovelies! This year, I’m reducing the journals I use as many of them end up unfinished so I’m sticking with, hopefully, three and two of them are these precious ones! I decorated them with my beautiful stickers! A few days ago, I watched Call Me By Your Name and it certainly lived up to the hype. I still don’t like how the story ends, but the cinematography in the movie really made the book come to life. My Italian-loving self was thriving. Also, thanks to the movie for helping me discover the literal masterpiece that is Mystery of Love. This song has my heart. I’ve also bought more new books and, hopefully, I can share them with y’all soon! Also, yesterday, my family and I went on a ride and got to see the sunset and the stars. I was very grateful as it’s been so long since I’ve been out of the house. I hope 2021 has been kind to y’all so far!! 🤍✨

🎧: mystery of love - sufjan stevens

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olivebreezy · 3 years ago

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Hi Olive! Your spreads have really inspired me to try doing some junk/art journaling of my own, I'm just.. not sure where to start. I've got a small collections of stickers and washi, too much cardstock/scrapbook paper, a cricut, notebooks, just. So much stuff I could be using, but I honestly don't know where to start 😅 I'm also one of those people who love the idea of making crafts, but are terrified to actually use any of their supplies out of fear of somehow messing something up. Do you have any advice?

Oh ma gaaa, you have no idea how much your kind words mean to me! 🥺🤍

Honestly, some days I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of supplies I have, but don’t use. I found I was basically buying, hoarding and “organising” my craft supplies for years and not actually creating anything at all 🥴

About 8/9 years ago I joined Instagram and got lost in the creative community. I saw people creating such beautiful things with similar supplies that I already had in my stash and it was pretty much a big wake up call to JUST USE IT! And that’s what I did, I just started using my craft supplies - isn’t that so strange to say? 😂 They all really inspired me in so many ways. Don’t get me wrong though, sometimes I still hesitate to use something because “it’s the only one of these I have” but I go ahead and use it and the end result makes me feel so GOOD.

Just remember, creating is supposed to be fun so don’t be afraid to mess up! Sometimes the “mess up’s” end up being more beautiful then what you originally had in mind 🤗

I hope this helps, I’m not the type to give out helpful advice, but if it helps just one person then I’ve accomplished something!

Power to you on your creative journey, I hope it’s one you love and enjoy always ✊🏾🤍

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bitchineering · 4 years ago

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Day 2: Planning and Scheduling

Hello chicks! I am here for day two on school related things. I think today I have a few things I really just want to say and right now I don’t know where to start. If you want me to focus on something specific, please send me an ask or ask in the comments, it would be very helpful because I want to tailor my explanations to others.

So let’s get started, (i’ll actually be making a second post today hopefully about my favoirte youtubers/studyblrs and why I love them so much so look out for that :).

To summarize from the last day, I talked about organizing for classes and organizing your schedule. I think today would be a good way to look at organizing basically your life/ a student’s life. This will be different for everyone so please don’t feel like you need to follow my schedule.

I use several things to help me organize:

1. Planner

2. Google Calander

3. Bullet Journal

(I’ll go more in-depth further down but here is the small jist for now) you need to be organized with your study habits and working to be at 100% efficiency. This means you need to plan out your day and following a routine.

Now for a further explanation: A planner. This is so freaking important I cannot STRESS this enough get a DAMN planner! Please. I am old student and wish the best of luck for everyone, I don’t care what type of planner but it needs to be an actual planner. I do believe that writing down something is better than typing and I do have an electronic planner and a physcial planner and I tell you having a physical one is just so much better in some circumstances.

- I got my planner from target (it is a specific student one) and I really love it. I mainly use the calander spread and I do have the weekly spread however, someitmes I find myself using a bullet journal or sticky note to write to do lists so I can do an hourly to do list. This helps me see what I need to get done within an hour/ one study session. It helps me see my time in a clear path.

-A good video explaining all of this is by TBHStudying, ngl I am going to bring her up multiple times just because she is THE ONE who has pulled me down the rabbit whole of studying and academia, I love seo. The two videos: https://youtu.be/zQKsIcDTVL0 (I believe it is this one where she does an hourly plan and it is helpful for others to create a weekly plan) and https://youtu.be/WOjTg1yI_Jo (how to be productive while studying). I think I might have some more ideas however I am not able to find more without searching for an hour.

2. Google Calander, please I don’t care if it is apple or google I believe blocking your week is so beneficial and like just watch this youtube video: https://youtu.be/Uer_A0grkos I freaking love Nitya because she is such an underappriciated youtuber giving some great advice to her viewers. She helped me studying for the SAT (and don’t worry American students, I’ll be making a SAT/ACT planning thing with all those reddit links ;) ). I can give an example of mine because it really helps me see my time. If you did watch the Lobdell lecture (in the previous post), he says you need to have 8 hours for everything. Sleep, study, and social. Now, I don’t know how some people can split school and social just because I am in high school and I feel like whenever I am at school I can never focus on school material. Also, it just gets very complicated once outside the classroom. His idea though does have good aspects and following the blocking schedule could help people see where they have time and where they might need to put some in. I would also say look at your phone hours. I’m not going to lie, I only use my phone for reading and the ocasional pintrest (I don’t own a tik tok and I barely use any social medias unless it is for communication) and I go on my phone for about 3 hours a day. I know, wow, that’s like crazy. You definitely do NOT need to be me because I go on my laptop much longer or I do other things but create times for you to do this.

-I would still steer away from tik tok. Like some tik tok groups are good however I know when I’m in a bad mood and I used to go on tik tok, all of it just made me numb and feeling empty.

3. Last one yay! The bullet journal. I know this can be a big thing in the studyblr community because everyone wants to make it beautiful and so over the top. While I don’t necesarily believe in it, you do what makes you happy and content. I cannot tell you how happy I can get when I write a pretty word and it looks like a million bucks. Calligraphy, stickers, washi tape and all it is very fun to work with. I’d just say you can only do this for small amounts. Please do not spend an hour of your day doing this. If this means you need to wake up an hour early than you need to move your sleep (ex from 11 to 10 pm) to get a good amount of sleep. I do know many many studyblrs who have made nice bullet journal videos (including studyquill, tbhstudying, Maria’s study corner, etc). I believe if you search it up someone’s videos will eventually find you and you can watch them. I like bullet journal’s just cause they offer more flexibility than a planner and because I could never find a cheap hourly planner (I’m not spending 28 on a freaking mossery planner sorry).

I hoped this helped someone out there today. Just know when you feel stressed or freaked out you can take a break. I want to post again tonight just because this is very threaputic to me, knowing I can help other students not feel how stress I feel. I want other students to have the best education/academic experience possible because it is terrible that many of us are limited in what we experience. I hope you all have a great day and are staying safe.

#studyblr #organization #tbhstudying #good god i love seo #she's so pretty too and it makes me sound so gay I really couldn't care #you know I'm sorry if you read these but at the same time I feel like so many in the studyblr community are just a little gay #organizational methods #planning #bullet journal #google calanders #online planning

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monstersandmaw · 4 years ago

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Evening to ya, Ghosti✌️😆

Sorry if the wording sounds silly, but I wanted to ask if you know any rituals I could do for the New Years. 🤣 Christmas hasn't been exactly an easy time for me for various reasons and I tend to get the holiday blues pretty bad, and for a long old while New Years has felt very similar. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful and to have some faith for the new year, but it's turning out to be trickier than I anticipated. So I wanted to ask for suggestions as to do anything that could help feeling more hopeful, I dunno. :3

Though feel free to ignore this if you don't have the energy for it. I hope you had delightful holiday however you celebrated!!! 😊💖💖💖💖

Hey anon! (it’s now afternoon here in the UK, and it was morning when I started this! I got a bit carried away). I don’t know that I’m necessarily the right person to ask about this, but here are some ideas of things I’ve found helpful/centring/calming anyway which you could draw from. Other folks, please feel free to chime in with your favourite ways to put the old year to bed and welcome in the new one!

(first of all, I’m sending you lots of virtual ghostli hugs to help drive away those holiday blues. That sucks, and I’m so sorry it’s been so tough for you.)

Here’s a rundown of what’s below, and I’ll put in a ‘keep reading’ so that it’s not an incredibly long post! Some of it is more on the ‘spiritutal’ side of things, and others are just mundane and practical things.

Congratulate yourself on making it through the clusterfuck that was 2020

Make some tea and meditate on what’s been and what you wish for

Go outside, be still, and breathe deeply

Let go of negative events and thoughts by writing them down, then safely burning the paper

Disconnect from social media for a few days (or however long you’re comfortable with)

Start a bullet journal

Write lists of goals for 2021 and then refine/distill them down to 3 manageable objectives

Commit 100% to 6 months of positive change

Pick three dates/months in the year when good things will happen, and make them happen (including growing veg/fruit)

Light a candle on the full moon or New Year

Ok, so, first of all, you’ve made it through this year!! That’s no small accomplishment, given the sheer volume of absolute shite that has been flung at us from all angles, no matter where in the world you live. Celebrate that. Seriously, I’m not being flippant. Take a moment of stillness wherever you are, be ‘present’, and just think about the fact that you’re here, right now, reading this post. Not everyone is here any more for one reason or another, but you did it. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that. Treat yourself to a slice of cake (or something you really enjoy) specifically to celebrate making it through 2020.

Make a cup of tea (try a new blend or recipe perhaps, or stick with your absolute favourite), or make a comforting drink of your choice. As you pour the water into the cup, breathe in the steam and enjoy the scent of it. Try and imbue all the positive things - memories, achievements, moments etc. - that you encountered this year into the tea/drink, and think about them growing in strength as the tea steeps, and envisage them continuing on to next year too. When you drink the tea, you take the positive thoughts into yourself and they become a part of you. You could try it in the morning with a caffeinated drink (if you enjoy those) and let it fuel you for the day, or you could try a herbal tea at night to let the good vibes steep overnight while you rest. Make it part of your daily routine; a private meditation.

Go outside and find a quiet spot somewhere and either stand or sit and just soak up the atmosphere. If there’s a tree nearby, think about the way its roots are planted in the earth, its trunk stands tall, and its branches reach towards the sky. Feel that space inside you. Breathe deeply in and out, visualising your lungs filling to the deepest parts, starting at the bottom. Count to four for each inhale, and six out (or whatever you’re comfortable with, so long as the exhale is longer than the inhale). This will help to still you and calm you.

If you have something fireproof (can just be a ceramic bowl), take a piece of paper and make a moment to write down all the negative things about this year, using a pen that you’re comfortable with. If you’re not one for words, draw pictures. You can make it really beautiful or just scribble it all down - it doesn’t matter. Get that shit out. Look at it for a while and read it through, mentally letting go of each thing as your eyes pass over it, then light one corner (carefully!!!) and let it burn somewhere with good ventilation (a cooker hood is good for that, but outside is better). Visualise all that negativity being swallowed by the universe and let it go. My favourite line from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf comes at Beowulf’s funeral when a Geat woman is singing her grief at his passing to the sky, and there’s the simple sentence: “Heaven swallowed the smoke.” How beautiful is that? The sky swallowed up her grief as she poured it out to the universe. The negativity might take some time to vanish from your life (it’s not going to disappear at the same time as the paper, sadly!), but watching it go can be the first stage of letting things go. I did this last year, and I’m only just letting go of the last things on that list, but it was a start, and it made me feel more at peace.

Disconnect from social media. I know that with so much more happening online this year out of necessity, we’ve become even more dependant on our phones and computers, and it’s wonderful that we have this chance to connect with people when we can’t see them face to face, but social media can also act as a crucible for negative feelings. People usually post the best or the worst aspects of what’s going on for them or what they care about, so it leads to a skewed view of both the world and of what’s going on amongst our connections. It’s easy to start feeling insignificant next to someone else because of their achievements or their looks etc. and it’s also easy to start to get a bleak outlook when the news is full of terrible stories and people are reacting to it in a volatile and often knee-jerk way. Take some time off - uninstall the apps, or put the limiter setting on, or just step back - for a day, two days, a week, whatever you’re comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be forever. If you use those platforms to talk to people, tell them what you’re doing, and give them another way to reach you if they need. No need to isolate yourself completely!! Think about how you felt before you started it (write it down?) and do the same afterwards, and compare. If it didn’t work for you, then that’s fine too.

Start a bullet journal! Now is the perfect time to start bullet journaling. I first started this year when I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and my life was out of my control, and it’s really helped me to get a sense of order back. It’s not the magic cure-all for procrastinators and time wasters, trust me, but it can help to organise your mind as well as your day, and keep track of your habits etc. It can be literally whatever tool you need it to be. There’s a trend on social media - particularly Instagram and YouTube - that shows off these gorgeous journals that are basically works of art in themselves, and while it’s absolutely fine to aspire to that if you want to, the essential point of the bullet journal is to be a tool. You can buy print-outs from Etsy if you don’t fancy doing your own spreads. But don’t get completely hung up on pretty spreads and layouts because you won’t use it fully then. If you’ve got ‘new book fear’, like I did, make your own! I literally started my journaling by folding a few pieces of paper over, slapping a few stickers on them to cheer them up, and writing some lists. I didn’t buy a ‘proper’ journal until July 2020 when I’d got the hang of what I wanted out of the tool, and how to use it. I adapted one or two things, and I’ll be changing one or two things for next year, but it was a good way to start.

Here are two ‘minimalist’ journals and styles that I found helpful when setting mine up. They focus on usefulness and practicality, rather than overwhelming, artistic spreads and cutesy designs. I’m about to do a ‘plan with me 2021’ journal video for YouTube, so I’ll put that up when I’ve finished it, in case that’s helpful.

Elsa Rhae

Pick Up Limes

Write down the things you want to achieve for 2021. These can be more abstract concepts like ‘more organised’ ‘healthier’ ‘start a business’ etc. Then, when you’ve got as many things as you’d ideally love to achieve/accomplish/manifest (don’t hold back at that stage), take another piece of paper and choose a maximum of six from that first lot to focus on, and below that, choose just three absolutely essential things to focus on. Make those your things for 2021.

Now, this one is a personal one for me, so it may not be applicable at all to you/others, but I’ll share it anyway. For me, I need to make some significant lifestyle changes for my physical and mental health. So, I’ve decided to commit to 6 months of really hard work to bring about those changes. Time is going to pass anyway, from January to June. Six months will come and go anyway. Where will I be in six months’ time? I could be physically and mentally exactly where I am today. That thought is super depressing to me. Or, I could devote 200% focus, commitment, and energy, and bring about those changes, and be the ‘me’ I want to be in six months’ time.

It’s like the adage of ‘given a week to write a speech, it will take you a week, but given a day to write the same speech, it will take you a day’ - your brain will tell you it takes the amount of time that you have at hand to accomplish the task, and that’s simply how long it then takes. Use those three things from the 2021 list above, and commit to making those three things happen.

As an aside, tell someone (whose opinions you value) that you’re going to do this. By telling someone, you’re helping to cement the idea in reality, and you’ve got a support to turn to if it gets rocky, someone to cheer you on, and someone to celebrate with who knew what a struggle and commitment this was to you in the first place.

Pick three points in the year where good things will happen. Book yourself something nice, save up for something and have it delivered then, or tell yourself that you will have achieved [x] by May, or September, or December. For me, it’s a working draft of my novel, and certain health goals by October, but make it yours, and keep those points fixed in your mind. It will help 2021 not to be one amorphous mass of time, and will give it structure and form. You could also choose to grow something in a pot - lots of vegetables can be grown cheaply from seed in a pot on a windowsill, and you’ll have something tasty to eat at the end of it!!

Here’s a slightly gentler idea to finish with:

On New Year’s Eve take a moment to yourself, go outside if it’s not raining or too cold etc., light a candle, hold it (safely) in your hands, and be still. It doesn’t have to be exactly at midnight, but it will help your focus if it’s dark. Otherwise, go to a quiet part of the house and turn the lights down so that the candle flame is your focus. As before, think about what you’ve achieved this year, and be honest, not just negative! It’s very easy to say ‘oh I didn’t achieve anything, it all sucks, it was all awful’, when there will be tiny victories tucked away in there, I promise you, even if it was the toughest year of your life. Then think about where you are at the moment, mentally and physically. Acknowledge that state of being. Look at it with honest eyes. This moment is not for anyone else, so you don’t need to colour it one way or another. It’s for you. If you’re finding it hard not to be negative, be neutral. Let those thoughts come and go, and then turn your mind to the future. Mentally feed those negative thoughts into the flame in front of you, one at a time. Say it out loud if that helps, but do what makes you comfortable. Let the light from the flame fill your mind and your heart, and think about your intentions for the new year.

Tonight (30th Dec) is a full moon, so if that is significant for you, you may wish to do this tonight instead of tomorrow.

I hope that some of that gives you some inspiration, and I hope that people will chime in with their own new year’s rituals and habits. Be honest with yourself but not harsh, and be positive but not unrealistic. This year has been one hell of a ride, and we’re not done yet... Here in the UK, we’ve got the highest numbers of Covid that we’ve ever had, we’re in the harshest lock down (Tier 4) and can’t visit anyone, and we’re also going through Brexit (which is proving a nightmare for everyone, especially small businesses...).

Control the things you can control, and learn and employ systems to ride out the things that are beyond your influence. And take heart - you have a family of folks on here, all across the world!

#new year ritual #new year #resolutions #new year resolutions #rituals #ritual

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loser-writings · 5 years ago

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Your headcanons of A/B/O are amazing! 😍😍😍😍 since you said your requests are open, I wanna request some for Tenya! Robocop is so underrated and he is so nice!!!

Gosh I love him so much, but this was surprisingly hard to write! Guess that means I’ll have to do more for him in the future! Also also, I hope that you mean’t for Omega Iida since that seems to be whats hot rn on my page!

Tenya Iida

Tenya Iida, hands down one of the most desired people in UA. He was strong, always had the sweet yet faint smell of orange juice lingering on him, and he was incredibly smart. The only thing many didn’t know was that he was an Omega. His orange scent wasn’t the orange juice he drank everyday, but his natural scent that almost reminded him of Orange Sorbet. His constant need to follow rules was because his omega couldn’t handle the idea of any of his friends getting injured, so he would accidentally go to the extremes to make sure they were safe. To him, his classmates were his family and he refused to have them get hurt.

He was oblivious to the fact that he was really stressed, opting to sleep in his bed that was covered in blankets and pillows, unknowingly nesting every second he could to calm his racing mind. A single wax warmer was plugged into the wall by his desk since he was afraid to have a candle in his room, yet he craved other scents beside his own. He had a whole box full of the wax in his desk that ranged from the smell of leather, to the smell of rain, to sweeter scents. What he wanted all depended on his mood, and sometimes he would mix them to a variety degree of success.

He never expected any courting gifts whenever courting season came around, yet he was shocked to see a notebook and a set of pens laying on his desk, wrapped nicely in a blue and silver bow. Since he was always the first one into the classroom, he didn’t hide his excitement when he rushed over and started examining the pens, grinning when he realized that they were a set he had been eyeing for a while. Known to be good for left handed people since they don’t smear. Sure, he was ambidextrous, but he greatly favored his left hand. The notebook seemed to be fairly expensive too, known to be a favorite by people who journal or take notes often. Of course, he used his new materials in class that day.

The next day he was greeted with highlighters, a large bag of random stickers, and some washi tapes. His omega purred at the sight and he quickly ran over to examine everything, making swatches of everything in his notebook before finding one that was of him. He grinned bigger and placed it on the front before everybody started walking in. He was curious as to who could possibly be courting him, even managing to get distracted a bit as he tried to figure out who it could be.

By the end of the day, he had two large spreads dedicated to who he thought could be courting him with pros and cons to each person. He had to think of who he would accept the offer from and who he would deny. Just because this person was courting him didn’t mean he would accept, it truly depended on if they were compatible. With that in mind, he crossed out quite a few people from his lists and wrote down the reasons why he wouldn’t accept their courting.

He had no idea that you were running behind since he hadn’t even considered you to be somebody willing to court him. You were the number one in class 1B, highest grades and most potential, so of course he noticed you before. He walked into the classroom only to find you placing things on his desk, oblivious to the man you were courting approaching you slowly.

When you turned around, you yelped before falling back against his desk. His eyes widened and he grabbed you, pulling you into his chest so you didn’t fall. “I-I didn’t know you’d be here this early!” You waited for the other to let go before grabbing your bag. “Yeah I uh...I tend to come in early to get ready.” You let out a dry chuckle as you clutched your bag to your chest. “I should’ve expected that.” You scratched the back of your neck before noticing that Iida was looking at his desk, smiling a little.

On his desk was a large hoodie and another notebook, this one was clearly more special than the last since the book was bound in a blue dyed leather. The center of the cover had “Ingenium” in silver script and had a silver ribbon for a bookmark. His hand slipped over to it and he picked it up, smiling while looking at it.

“Did you make this?” He asked softly, seeing your note inside asking if you would meet him outside after class. “It’s really breathtaking. Thank you so much for these gifts.” Your cheeks were as red as can be, but you couldn’t help but smile a little. “T-They honestly made me think of you, so I got them and held onto them until I could give you them...I just forgot you are an early bird.”

He chuckled and nodded as he continued to look at the book before glancing at the large hoodie. “Did you scent it?” He asked as he sat the book down to take the royal blue fabric in his hands, smiling at how soft it was. “N-No I didn’t. I didn’t want it to smell like me if you turned me down.” You admitted which only made the omega smile a bit more before handing it to you. “Would you?”

Your eyes widened and you slowly nodded, taking the hoodie from him and rubbing it against your scent glands to get your scent on it. “Again, thank you so much for your gifts. They truly are amazing.” He said as he glanced back at the book again. “Not many hand make gifts anymore. I truly appreciate the more traditional courting gift.” His omega purred at the sight of the beautiful notebook just begging to be filled with notes, recipes, and more.

“Well...I assumed you would prefer tradition.” He nodded and carefully took the hoodie back from you. “I do, so I truly can’t express how happy it is that you actually made me something instead of just buying it.” You grinned a little. “My dad taught me that if you court an omega, do it properly. So...I did.” Iida nodded and grinned as he hugged the hoodie softly, purring with it in his arms.

“So...You wrote about going someplace to eat?” You perked up again. “Oh, Yeah. If you are accepting a courting date, I know a nice little hole in the wall at the edge of the city. I thought we could get to know each other better?” He hummed and nodded along. “I’ll meet up with you once class is over. Don’t be late.” He bowed before walking over to sit at his desk. You nodded quickly and smiled bright. “Wouldn’t dream of it. I’ll see you then!”

He watched you run out with your bag happily before turning his attention to the hoodie. He carefully laid it on his desk before resting his head on it, deciding that resting his eyes before class wasn’t such a bad idea.

#ABO Tenya #ABO Iida #tenya imagine #tenya iida #tenya headcanon #mha imagines #mha x reader #mha Iida #bnha imagines #bnha scenarios #bnha #bnha imagine #bnha iida #Omega Iida

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limitless-rose · 5 years ago

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The Signs as things I wanted to be when I grow up

[This has literally been in my drafts since December because I wasn't sure if each option matched with the sign I chose but whatever (it's also a long post again, oof)

Also I didn't really post anything related to 2020 so... Happy New Year, let's hope something good will happen this decade!! 💖]

♈ Aries: Be part of the army. I was quite fascinated by the idea of guns and protecting the nation and actually getting my life together. I was actually thinking about it for quite a while until I realized that in order to get accepted (at least according to the Greek system) you need to have excellent grades (especially maths/physics), to be taller that 165cm and to be excellent in sports. Guess what, I don't understand physics/science/chemistry, I've been about 158cm for the past 3 years and the only two sports I'm good at are badminton and tennis (while you need to be good at running, swimming and things like that I guess 😕)

✧

♉ Taurus: A chef/baker. Cooking and baking always seemed pretty fun. I would always sit by my grandma whenever she cooked/baked goodies and observe the whole process. I also got inspired by the movies "The Princess and the Frog" and "Ratatouille" and thought that one day I could possibly come up with my own recipes and open my own restaurant. But while growing up I realized that I can't cook properly when I'm stressed/multi-tasking (I'm capable of burning the food AND the kitchen if I get slightly distracted, ooof)

✧

♊ Gemini: A TV presenter or a weather woman. My mom told me that from the age of three I would always pretend to talk to an audience and answer questions from the callers or announce news/talk about the weather. Maybe that explains why I talk to thin air (as if I was a YouTuber) about anything and everything when I'm alone. Though it sounds cool, I don't really think I could do it now because I have social anxiety.

✧

♋ Cancer: A writer. I really like writing, I don't know why. Authors have been inspiring me since my childhood, I remember I used to read so many books and try to write something of my own based on it. 😅 I like taking notes and then re-writing them more neatly. I like re-doing old homework in a different style and see if I have improved. I really like writing in a diary/a bullet journal too, I feel like it's much better than bothering others with my problems anyway. I also love coming up with random scenarios/stories/characters and writing about it but I don't know if I should share it. Idk, sometimes I feel like my writing is a bit boring or that it's nothing that impressive. So, honestly, if more people took writers seriously instead of thinking it's a hobby as it doesn't always pay well (when did the world even start revolving around money that much, oml) and if I was more confident about my work I'd definitely chose to become a writer/author (I'm still keeping it as a hobby no matter what I end up doing, lol).

✧

♌ Leo: A model. Omg, I honestly don't know why I even thought of it. Probably because I really liked watching ANTM when I was younger (and I specifically chose the American version because the one we have in my country makes me cringe a lot, just hearing girls from my school talking about it is painful). My friends also liked the outfits that I put together or how I would always pose for pictures (a few years ago, I'm too awkward now asdfghjkl). Looking at it now it's just so funny. There's literally so much competition in the name of beauty, the community can get kinda toxic sometimes and the standards are pretty high. Also I'm way too short and I still can't walk like a normal person when wearing high heels lol.

✧

♍ Virgo: A teacher. Specifically, a teacher for elementary or even kindergarten. Back then, the concept of teaching seemed pretty fun to me and I had lots of ideas about how to make class more interesting. The thing is that I have good chemistry with most kids and I actually kinda dislike teenagers because of how rebellious we can get when it comes to school (idk but like teens in my country are like pretty rude to everyone 😐). I'm not so sure about it now, though it's still an option.

✧

♎ Libra: A psychologist. I always liked helping others out and offering advice when they're having a tough time and I was also curious to see what makes each person feel angry, sad or stressed and the way they respond. It's also interesting because you can learn a lot about someone's personality, preferences and way of thinking or understand what caused someone to commit a crime. I still really like psychology and it's one of my main options for uni. The only problem is that psychology is pretty much overrated in my country so people say it's best to choose something else. 😒

✧

♏ Scorpio: A criminologist. And, surprisingly, I still want it. I was always intrigued by things that required research, was interesting in learning what caused a murder/crime to be committed and I would always watch crime thrillers with my dad. I also like it because it's a field of Sociology which is one of my favorite subjects. I'm just hoping finals aren't super difficult so I can get accepted in the college that I want on the first try lol.

✧

♐ Sagittarius: A flight attendant. Back then I found it kinda fun, as I was always curious about what going on a plane is like. It could also be because of their outfits (like the ones you see in movies or in Britney's MV for Toxic, idk why 😅). Plus I would get to travel around the world without paying as much as the passengers. But then, at the age of 14-15 I got on an airplane 4 times and I saw that it wasn't really like the movies and that literally everyone ignored the flight attendant so yeah, it's not an option anymore. ✈️

✧

♑ Capricorn: A fashion designer. So because I would always draw and constantly ask for new crayons/markers and other art supplies, my mom bought me a few coloring books that focused on fashion. It came along with stickers, stencils, ideas for Victorian dressses, advice for how to design lace or mermaid tail dresses and I was so impressed. A few years later, my grandma showed me a few dresses that she had made for my mom when she was younger (which were so gorgeous like I'm definitely going to wear one of them on my graduation day) and taught me sewing. I also got to see these small floral designs that you usually see on lingerie and it was so pretty, I wish I could do it as perfectly as her. I decided to follow my grandma's advice and keep it as a hobby instead (because she ended up doing nothing but designing clothes and repairing them which she regrets 🧵🧶).

✧

♒ Aquarius: An astronaut. This was pretty random, I have to admit. I guess I really liked space and looking at at the stars in the night sky. I read a few books about space and learned a few things about NASA back in elementary too, though I realized that it's something I could never really do, as you have to sacrifice a lot. I'm still fascinated by this profession but there's no way I could ever do it, since I can't even understand basic physics or mathematics. 🤷‍♀️

✧

♓ Pisces: An artist. Honestly I didn't really care if most artists didn't get recognition/fame or if they didn't earn enough money, I just wanted to make art because I liked it. It's also fun because while you are expressing your thoughts through an art piece, another person might interpret it differently, based on their likings and thoughts. Art also plays an active role in my life: I've been drawing and painting since I was 5 and I would always watch the show with Bob Ross on TV with my grandma. Instead of completely giving up on this idea, I thought that I could choose another profession (also my family didn't really like the thought of me doing art for a living 😐) and keep art as a hobby.

#astrology #zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #me and my thoughts #yeah idk #for fun ig #at least for me #random

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goodbyejuly · 6 years ago

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[Vigilante!Seulgi] PT1

Warning: Violence, Language, Kidnapping

Genre: Angst, AU!

Kang Seulgi is the best girlfriend you could have ever asked for

She's kind, cute, a amazing dancer, and a talented artist

In fact, she has a whole sketchbook filled with drawings of you

There's just one issue you have with her

Her constant habit of staying out late

You've talked to her about it multiple times and she always says the same thing

"I went to work out. It takes my mind off things"

And you do believe her since her body is so toned there's no way she's not working out

You just hate how tired she looks in the morning after her workouts

"Seulgi, baby, maybe you should just stay in for the night. I know what working out does for you but you shouldn't over work your body" you says as you try to pull her back in bed

When you touch her hand she hisses and pulls it back slightly you look down at your lovers hands you let out a loud gasp

Her knuckles are covered in dark bruises

Before you can ask her what happened the TV cuts you off with a flash news report

"Good evening everyone" the news anchor starts "We have recently been informed that 5 men involved in underground dog fighting have been found beaten and tied to poles outside of a police station. When one man was asked about how they ended up there he told police that a woman wearing all black had beaten the 5 men with her bare hands and threatened to beat them again if they did not tell the police of their crimes. When he was asked about the appearance of the woman he said he couldn't see because she was wearing a mask that looked like a black bear."

You were extremely shocked by this

One girl took down 5 men like it was nothing

When you look up at Seulgi you see her give a small smile at the mugshots of the criminals

"Police say they still don't know all of the motives the girl may have and that she is very dangerous, so, police advise making safe choices while going out at night. If you have any knowledge on this situation the police encourage you to contact them immediately. Again, It is be-"

Before the news anchor can finish her sentence, Seulgi changes the channel and kisses you on the cheek

"I'm going to the gym" she says while picking up her duffel bag "Stay safe, we don't know if this vigilante girl's trouble. I love you, Y/N"

That's weird, you think, why is she worrying about me when she's the one leaving?

You again try to ask her a question but Seulgi's already out the door before you can say a single word

As time goes by you can't stop thinking about the 'vigilante' girl from the news

And you try you hardest to not worry about Seulgi, she's stayed out late before and always made it back in one piece

But you fear she'll run into the girl and become her next victim

You know Seulgi's strong but you don't think she can compete with a girl that can beat down 5 full grown men to a pulp

Having enough of your wild thoughts, you decided to call Seulgi's phone only to met with her voicemail several times

"Great, she leaves this late and doesn't even answer her phone" you sigh to yourself, having only one other option

Go find the girl yourself

You quickly get dressed and head out to search for your ditzy girlfriend

After a few minutes of walking you hear panicked breathing and hurried footsteps from behind you

When you turn around, a man, bleeding from his forehead, grabs you by the shoulders and tries to catch his breath

"Help me, please!" he begs. He shakes you causing you to panic

You start to panic even more when you see two other men run towards you in the same state as the first

"She's coming!" they say before running past you

Unsure of what to do you run with them

Whatevers coming after them probably won't treat you any differently

You turn around to catch a glimpse of what you're running from

And then you see it

You see her

The girl that beat up 5 men for dog fighting and threw them to the police like it was nothing was running so fast in your direction

"Fuck" is the only thing that you can say as you feel her get closer and closer to you

Tears start blocking your vision and you prepare for the worst only to have the girl run past you and jump on top of one of the men, bringing him down to the concrete

Out of panic and confusion you hide in a alley as the girl ruthlessly beats all three men

Only a minute passes and the only audible sound is the three men groaning in pain

You pray that the girl forgets about you and just does what she needs to do to the men

But, your prayers are soon denied as you hear the girl's footsteps get closer to your hiding spot

You try your best to curl up and hush your crying so the girl doesn't see you but she kneels in front of you, helps you up and tells you in a stern voice to go home

You don't give any second thoughts or objections to the masked girl and you run off to your house and when you get home you don't even think about sleeping

You wait for Seulgi to come home so you can tell her about everything that had happened

When Seulgi comes home a few hours later she looks pissed off, but that doesn't stop you from telling her what you had gone through

"Why would you leave knowing what was out there? I even told you to stay safe and you decided to ignore all of that!" she practically yells as she paces back and forth in your living room

"I did it because I was worried about you! I couldn't stop thinking about what you would do if something happened. You wouldn't answer your phone either!"

She softens up when she sees the worry in your eyes and opens up her arms to hug you

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry. I just don't want you putting yourself in danger for me" she whispers "I don't know what I would do if something happened to you ,Y/N"

You stay in each other's arms for a few minutes, basking in the familiar warmth the hug gives

When you pull away, you see her knuckles have split open and are slightly bleeding

"Oh my god, Seulgi! What are you doing to your hands?" you say while leaving to find the first-aid kit you have

Seulgi whispers a soft 'shit' before going back to her soft, ditzy attitude

"Oh, guess I'm punching the punching bag to hard" she nervously giggles

You tend to her hands in silence apologizing every now and then when she winces from the pain

As much as you trust your girlfriend you knew she was lying

There were too many things point to her doing way more that punching a gym bag

But, you say nothing and continue to aid to her knuckles

When you finished, she held your hands and gently kisses both

"Thank you, honey. We should sleep now, it's late and I know you're tired" she says while trying to pull you into your bedroom

You get in without hesitation and cuddle up to her but you still feel uneasy even in your girlfriend's arms

And it wasn't because of your incident earlier

It was because tonight was the first time in your years of dating Seulgi that you 100% knew she was lying

And it scared you

You always trusted Seulgi and knew that she would never lie to you

But knowing that the story of her wounds is a complete lie, you fear that the truth must be awful if Seulgi wants to keep it from you

Turning to face your now sleeping girlfriend, you place a quick kiss to her forehead before closing your eyes trying to clear your mind of any intrusive thoughts

When you wake up you notice Seulgi sitting up in bed facing you with her art journal

"Please don't move. I'm trying to draw you" she says with a soft voice

You were kinda used to this, Seulgi loved to draw especially if she got to draw you

But, she's never drawn you while you were sleeping so it was a little weird but still endearing

"Drawing me while I'm sleeping? A little weird don't you think babe?" you joke

"Hey, talking causes movement, love. Plus, you're adorable when you sleep"

You stay still until she puts down her pencil and shows you her work

"Woah, you're so talented" you say in awe

"And you're so beautiful. I'm gonna go take a shower, I forgot to last night"

"Yeah, you should. I love you but you really smell" but all Seulgi could do was smirk at your comment

"Aw, don't say that you really hurt my feelings" she pouts "Gimme a kiss"

When you playfully shake your head no, Seulgi lunges for you

"Ah, no stop!" you giggle as she continues to litters your face with small pecks

"I just wanna kiss my baby!" she says while struggling to place one finally kiss on you lips

"You can kiss me when you're out of the shower, smelly" you tease, still trying to stop her overflow of kisses

She pouts once again and finally gives up before getting out of bed

"Fine, but when I'm done I expect one out of this world kiss"

"You can have infinite kisses when you're done" you say with a wink before your girlfriend heads to the bathroom

While waiting for her to finish, you hear her phone go off in her gym bag

Deciding to find it so you could give it to her, you begin to start looking through her bag for it

But your search was soon put on hold when you see a black journal stuffed in there

Your first thought was that it was just another one if her many art journals but Seulgi's never had a plain black journal

There were no stickers, doodles, and her name was no where on the outside

Even though you knew it wasn't good to look through your partner's stuff, your curiosity took control and you opened up the journal

You stunned to see a drawing of a random person you'd never seen

But it wasn't a normal drawing, it looked like a wanted poster

The drawing of the person looked so intimidating and it was accompanied by information like height and the places they could be found at

But the part that scared you the most was the section titled: Crime

Shocked by the page you decide to flip through the whole journal in hopes of finding a different image but you are only met with similar ones

Murder, Robbery, Abuse

Your shoulders sink as you see the crimes in this book

You also notice how some of these images have huge red X's drawn on top of them

If you weren't already scared and confused, the next thing you saw definitely changed that

You see drawings of the 5 men found outside of the police station. Each one having a huge red X drawn on top of them

Then, to add to the already horrifying discovery, you see the 3 men from last night

The 3 men that were beat senseless by the vigilante girl. Each one decorated with a huge, red, X

"Oh my god" you whisper, trapped in a frozen state, unsure of what to do

You look back into Seulgi's gym bag unable to believe this was in her possession

As you search through her bag looking for any possible explanation you finally see it

A black bear mask

The same from last night

"Alright love, I'm ready for my kis-"

You turn to face her and are met with a face of sheer panic

"I-I uh..." she struggles to say anything as she continues to look at your scared face

"Please, don't call the police" she softly begs

She looks like she might cry and you see her nervously fiddle with her fingers

"I won't, I promise. I just want to know what's going on"

Your soft tone calms her down and it especially helps when you hold your hand out for her to hold

She takes it and sits next to you before begins to tell you everything

"I didn't tell you earlier because I didn't want you to get more involved than you already were. It's already dangerous that your dating me and I just thought if you were aware of my secret it would just make things worse for you" she says, sadness obvious in her voice

"Baby, I understand why you would be worried about me but, you need to tell me these things. I'm here for you, always"

Your words give her comfort but she is still hesitant

"I understand if you don't wanna be with me anymore. What I do isn't safe and I don't want anything to happen to you. It's r-"

"Are you kidding" you interrupt "You're the city's badass hero and I have the privilege to date you. Oh my God, I could be your sidekick!" you say with excitement

She giggles, feeling much better because of your words

"As cool as that would be, I would much rather you be my girlfriend"

"Suit yourself, I would make a great sidekick though."

You stare at her for a moment, just admiring her beauty

"I love you. And I always will, no matter what dangers your 'hobby' brings, I'll always stay by your side" you say staring into her eyes. Wanting her to see that you truly mean it

"Thank you. I love you too, more than anything"

"You know I never gave you that kiss you wanted" you say with a smirk

"Yeah, you know you should always keep your promises, love" she says before leaning in to kiss you

Sure, you and Seulgi did have plans to go out today but you figure it would be better for the two of you to stay in

After hours of laying together and talking you finally look at time and realize just how long you two had stayed in bed

"Oh my God, Seulgi it's almost 9 o'clock. We've been in bed all day!" you say. It was quite surprising to see that you've spent almost the entire in bed

"Let's keep it like that. This is nice" she says while still trying to cuddle you

"Hey, don't you have some vigilante stuff to be doing?"

"It can wait, I wanna spend my time with you"

As she buries her face in your chest you can't help but feel a little bit of guilt

"No. There are people that need help, bad guys that need their ass kicked. All of that's done by you. I can't let you pick me over them"

When you finish talking she looks up at you, searching your face for any emotion she can grasp

"Are you sure? I know what I do is important but you'll always be the most important person in my life. I don't want you to feel like y-"

"It's ok, Seulgi" you interrupt "People need you now, I can always have you later" you say with a soft smile

Seulgi pouts but nods and starts to get up

"Alright. I'll go save the day, again. Promise you won't come and look for me this time."

You stick out your pinkie with a smile

"I promise"

She interlocks her pinkie with yours and gives you one final kiss before grabbing her bag and leaving

While Seulgi's gone, you pass time by aimlessly scrolling through your phone

After a hour of doing nothing, you hear a soft knock on your door

Thinking it's just Seulgi knocking since she probably forgot her keys (again)

But when you open your door, you're met with nobody

Only a pink box accompanied by a small tag with the words 'To the lovely Y/N'

Taking the box inside, you begin to open it

Opening that box was one of the worst things that you've ever seen

You're met with a picture of you and Seulgi in your apartment

Taken from the outside your apartment

You continue to look through the box, only to be met with more pictures

You've been so oblivious

Thinking you were completely fine when you've been watched for over a month

Finally, when you reach the bottom you see a note

Hoping it had some explanation you quickly read it

Being the city's vigilante girl is pretty time consuming.

I wonder if she has enough time to protect you?

~Draco

You could barely move

You wanted to cry

Someone knew Seulgi's secret

You quickly ran back to your bedroom, grabbed your phone to call Seulgi

You prayed Seulgi would answer quickly

"Hi baby! I'm almost home so you d-"

"Somebody named Draco knows about your secret and I think they're coming after me!"

The slight pause from Seulgi's line only fills you with more fear

"Get out of the house. Go somewhere where there are a lot of people, I-I don't care just don't stay in house!"

Before you can utter out a response you hear glass breaking from your living room

"Seulgi I have to go I think someone just broke into our house!" you say before hanging up

Knowing it would be impossible to leave, you hide in your closet

While hiding, you hear the faint footsteps of the intruder in your kitchen

Your phone vibrates as you receive a text from your girlfriend

From:My bby💖💖- I'm almost there, I promise you'll be safe

You look around for something to defend yourself with

No matter what happens, you refuse to go down without a fight

Deciding one of Seulgi's heels is your best bet, you grab it and prepare for the worst

You hear the footsteps enter your bedroom and you hold your breath

You feel tears burning in your eyes but you continue to stay ready

Suddenly, the closet door flies open

You swing the heel into your intruder's face, causing him to fall to the ground with cries of pain

You push yourself off the floor and make a run for it

Your short escape was quickly put to a halt as you're met with 5 other men just like the first

You can barely think as all the men run towards you

You try your best to fight back but they still manage to pin you to the floor

"Well, well. Draco will be very happy to see that got our target. And, must I say, you somehow manage to be even prettier than you pictures" one man says while trying to caress your face

Disgusted by his actions, you turn towards his hand and try to bite it

"Oh!" he says with a smirk "That's cute, I like em' feisty"

"Fuck off" you spit out

You wish you could express your anger in more violent ways, but because of your current position that wasn't gonna happen anytime soon

Just as the man opens his mouth to respond, the man from before enters the room covering his right eye with his hand

"Woah, what happened to you?" one of the men questions

"This bitch hit me in the eye with a heel!"

You can see the anger radiating off of him, but all you can is smirk at his state

"You little-"

He raises his foot to kick you but is quickly punched and shoved to the ground

"Look, we promised Draco we would get them back unharmed. So until Draco's command, you don't lay a finger on them. Understand?"

As the two men continue to argue, you notice something about all 6 men

All of them have a Cerberus tattooed to their forearm

"Alright, tie em up, we gotta hurry before that bitch gets here. Hold still for us sweetheart~" one of the men coos as they bring a rope your way

You squirm but it is futile as they tie you up and carry you to a black van parked in front of your apartment

As you ride in the van, you take the time to memorize the features of your kidnappers

You want to remember who did this to you

After a hour of so of driving, you come to a stop

"Alright angel, I hope you're ready to meet Draco. They've been dying to finally meet you"

4 men leave the car while the other 2 carry you inside what looked like a regular building

But of course this wouldn't be a normal building. You already no that from your situation

You just pray that whatevers in that building won't be too bad

Inside is a woman, all by her self

The men place you on a chair and walk to the back of the room, watching

"No, no, there's no need to stay here. I wanna talk to them. Privately" she speaks

Her voice matches her appearance perfectly

Sultry with a slight hint of danger

Just as the men begin to leave, she stops them once again

"Oh, before you go, please untie our guest, I can't imagine how uncomfortable it must be"

A quiet 'yes ma'am' is uttered from the 6 men as one comes to untie you

While you're getting untied, you look at your surroundings

Everything is black and gold

If you weren't being kidnapped right now you'd actually be enjoying the scenery

You soon notice the 3 statues of dogs right under a huge painting of Hades with his Cerberus

"I see you noticed my painting" the woman started "It's one of my favorites. I just find it so fascinating how even the God of the underworld can have such a loyal companion. A powerful duo that can make Gods quiver"

You're not quite sure how to react

One second you're being shoved into a van and now you're getting a lesson on Greek Gods?

"I'm sorry, where are my manners? I'm Draco. It's a pleasure to finally meet you Y/N. And might I say, you're pictures don't do you enough justice"

She gives you a big smile, one that causes her eyes to smile as well

But you don't let her nature fool you

"What do you want with Seulgi? I know you have no interest in me so quit the bullshit and tell what you want"

Draco giggles

A giggle that soon turns in to a hysterical laugh

Suddenly, she slams her hands on table in front of you and her whole demeanor changes

"You know, I tried to make this some what decent for you but since you can't appreciate it I tell you. I am the Kingpin of this city. Almost every criminal you know works for me. But a little issue started to arise. You see some of my people started ending up in jail. Some drug dealers, dog fighters, and my best men had a new home in a cell. And, you know who's responsible for that don't you, Y/N?"

It was a rhetorical question buy you still nodded hesitantly

"Good, you're as smart as you are cute" she says, smirking "I am Hades. I am the God of this city's underworld. But you're little Seulgi want's to be Hercules and try to stop me. But I won't let her"

"And if you're really smart..."

You gasp as she pulls out a gun and points it straight to your head

"You won't let her either"

To be continued...

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