#i also feel like sometimes 'being a good parent' is almost like this extension of 'this character is good/a good person'

[leatherbookmark]

*guy who just walked out of an ice cream parlor and has the greatest idea: it would be so fun if they also sold hamburgers! voice* just read a fic in which the omega would start babbling about wanting to be bred sooo much, how many kids do you want, our kids would be so cute, during his heats, and once they passed he'd be like "god i would do everything to not have heats anymore, they're the worst, and also i don't want to have children at all" which drove the poor alpha Insane because he very much wanted to have kids, especially w/ the omega, the person he was in love with, btw, and like

of course the fic ended w/ them embracing and going One Day We Will but i personally think it would be so fun if there was a fic that Didn't have such an ending. it would indeed be an equivalent of selling hamburgers in an ice cream parlor, but it would be fun for me personally. the omega going "okay, that was fun and also super embarrassing, i hope you'll forgive me but i don't want to have kids EVER and would be a terrible parent, please don't trust whatever i say about kids when i'm in heat". maybe even fucking. yeeting out his uterus & living happily ever after. and a relationship between such an omega and an alpha who does want to have children and does think he'd be a good dad would be an interesting topic for a fic! as in, the characters trying to figure stuff out and stay together despite this uh, rather major difference in aspirations. i'm not even an omegaverse guy in particular but i just think it would be neat to read

[shanastoryteller]

its something they think they grew out of <- This phrase you said about kids being hit but the parent later stops has just been rolling around of my head. Like oh thats truly how a good portion of society (myself included) just accepts happens to themselves and to others and how sometimes in tv parents go “You’re not too grown that I can’t hit you anymore” like why is this normalized

well! the short and sweet answer is that society views children not as their own persons, but as an extension of their parents, to be either coddled or abused as the parent sees fit. since the abuse stops by the time they've achieved their own personhood, it's not seen as relevant

the messier but also true answer is that children experiencing physical abuse tend to find the whole physical part of it that least upsetting bit of it. if the child doesn't care, and the parent doesn't care, then nobody else is going to care either. not to mention that time softens it even further. and by the time you've grown up enough to go "hey what the fuck was that all about" you're also so far removed from it that it feels almost childish to dig into it - because your childhood was smeared with violence, and so violence now feels like a childish thing

excepting extreme cases, the pain of abuse isn't something that lingers. bruises and bloody noses. the marks of a perfectly healthy childhood even, except yours isn't from tumbling from the jungle gym or schoolyard battles, but because an adult decided to put their hands on you, to teach a lesson that if you forgot then your skin would remember

the part that hurts is that they wanted to hurt you. the thing that lingers is the stress of not knowing the next time they'd hurt you. what gnaws at you is that you are so small and your parents are your whole world and all you want is them to love you. so you justify it. you excuse you it, you ignore it, perhaps you even start to act out, so that the next time you're bruised and bloody you at least feel like you earned it (if you earn it then it's not their fault, then it's not because there's something wrong with them - a fact that if true is terrifying because there's nothing you can do about it - but with you, the one person you can control)

the pain isn't actually the problem. often, the pain is a relief

if it's something you can grow out of, that's a good thing. because it means their disdain and lack of care and the thought that you're not being loved right is something you can outgrow, something you can leave behind in childhood, and that's what you want

but the truth of it is that if your parents don't love you properly as a child, they won't love you properly as an adult

the reason people often think of it as something that can be outgrown is that they're desperate for it to be something they can outgrow

the reason parents physically harming their child is so damaging isn't because it causes them pain, although of course that's bad. it's because it breaks their heart

[neophytepagan]

25 for caecade?

25. one to five tropes they embody or could pull off in an AU.

mostly thinking of the canon verse and im giving more than five because i dont wanna cut down any

unrequited love/one sided - pretty self explanatory, caesar likes arcade and arcade despises him, making caecade one sided and more nonconny is fun sometimes but doesn't have that drama that i like in arcade's shameful attraction.

corruption - over time arcade slowly grows accustomed to caesar and living in his close proximity. he starts tolerating more than he probably should, growing numb to the tragedies around him until caesar pushes him to be a player in it rather than just a victim or a bystander, elevating him to a position of power. maybe arcade tries to do good, but he still becomes complicit by extension

caretaker/ing - emphasizing on the doctor/patient dynamic, despite caesar's atrocities seeing him vulnerable and weak still activates those parts of arcade's brain that makes him want to help and care for him. it makes caesar far more human, seeing him afraid, exhausted, in pain. arcade can't bring himself to deny him any treatment, tenderness, soft touches, words of encouragement

slow burn- arcade isn't breaking that easy, but caesar has all the time in the world to chisel away at his defenses. caesar doesnt even know arcade likes men at first, and feels somewhat ashamed of like, "forcing" that affection upon him. in caesars eyes arcade is the closest thing to an equal to him and after being lonely for... years. pushing away this new and wonderful thing because of his desires would be a shame. then he finds out arcades gay and he wont stop flirting with him

arranged marriage - is always fun especially with a side of political intrigue. this would mostly have to be in an au, but arcade being offered up in a political marriage after being found out as gay and refusing to wed a woman and continue to family line, so his parents will use him as a bargaining chip instead, throwing him at the slaving dictator. arcades afraid for his life and safety given the rumors about caesar... but caesar is so astonishingly different than what he'd expected that he's almost glad for the marriage so he can get away from the enclave

mutual pining - one of my favorite parts about this pairing is when arcade is pining for caesar and really isnt happy about it. he catches himself eyeing caesars body or feeling giddy and butterflies in his stomach over something sweet caesar says to him. its kind of a game. caesar seeing how openly affectionate he can be before arcade puts his boundaries up and gets angry and hides again. he gets to say some pet names but touching is too much... then after some time he gets to stroke arcades hair or caress his cheek but the second he leans in for a kiss arcade yells at him and pushes him away. one night arcade is the one who leans in and presses his lips to caesar, but the second he starts tugging at arcades clothes arcade says no and goes to sleep. progression like that. caesar daydreams abt arcade whenever he's not around him, gets him gifts, even blushes (caesar getting flustered is so good to me) when arcade flirts back

sharing a bed - a pretty cheesy trope but caesar only has one bed in his tent and it would be a fun way for him to try and get arcade to like him. hes being so nice offering his huge comfy bed to arcade. the soldiers have to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor. come on arcade... don't you see what an honor it is...

ruler/consort - i fold this in to like, everything i do with them. arcade always becomes something more than just a slave or a doctor. he becomes caesar's closest advisor, his sole confidant. he also becomes a little voice in his ear pushing him and manipulating to do things (for the good of the wasteland) and caesar lets him because he's both so head over heels and damn it's sexy when arcade is playing with him. arcade being officially recognized as caesar's consort or spouse... its so goodddd

[whitexwolfxx310]

Taking Control Over The Big Bad (White) Wolf

Pairing: Bucky x female reader

Summary: Learning the news that you no longer have to stay at The Compound, Bucky makes a scary but enticing offer.

Warnings: 18+ for this post, dominance kink, life decisions, argument with parents, Y/N, sexual content, cursing, cockwarming, fluff, angst.

Word Count: 3688

Gif: Credit goes to magnusedom

Notes: Yes, a part of this was requested!

Tag List: @peaches1958 @aquabrie @elsie-bells @pono-pura-vida @redbloodedgurl @almosttoopizza

Previous Part

Masterlist

You have been living out all of your daydreams with Bucky recently. Ever since spending that one night together, he has become more visibly relaxed. It doesn’t look like he’s .5 seconds away from giving himself a brain aneurysm. Well, most of the time at least. While you each have your own apartment, neither of you have slept alone in weeks. That also means Bucky no longer sleeps on the cold floor. He struggles sometimes, becoming antsy as he tries to get comfortable. It’s as if the more relaxed he strives to be, the more restless he becomes.

There have been many fulfilled late nights and some of the best ways to start the day; with each other. Reaching that new level of comfort with one another really took your relationship to the next level. It’s at the point where you’re still learning about one another but passed the awkward stage where it’s uncomfortable to show who you really are. Speaking of learning more about each other, it’s not just the history or experiences you both have had. (Although, the focus tends to be on yourself or Bucky’s young adult life before getting drafted into the Army.) It’s the exploring. Being completely exposed, vulnerable, and getting to know every inch of each others body’s. What he likes and dislikes, what drives him to the edge and vice versa for yourself.

Bucky is always eager to please and even more so to learn. Sex and intimacy have come a looong way over the decades. Positions, toys, enhancements (not that either of you need them, but they’re still fun), and not just restricting yourselves to the bed. Good thing that The Compound is sound proof. Everyone around seems to have an idea of what’s going on behind closed doors, but they don’t need to hear it. So far, Bucky has shown the most interest in exploring different surfaces (the shower and couch seem to be his favorite) and also asserting some kind of a dominant role.

It makes sense because of how compliant he had to be for so many years. Feeling constantly controlled, it would be only human to be intrigued by the other side of things. He’s still always sweet, sometimes almost too gentle. We’ll work on that.

There are two ways of looking at this; One: Bucky is still experimenting. He’s trying to find balance between his pleasure and yours. Two: He’s afraid of going too far and hurting you. While you can appreciate his care and concern for your well being, there’s this dark entity inside begging for a cool metal hand necklace.

*Ding* Your attention gets drawn to the New Email notification on your phone. Sitting down at the island in his kitchen, wearing one of Bucky’s t-shirts and a pair of lace cheeky panties, you bring one knee up to hug it as you unlock your phone. Bucky’s on the other side of the island, cleaning. Always fucking cleaning. You open the email.

“Dear Y/N,

The Compound has been deemed safe once again. We are no longer concerned about a possible breach. You are able to return to your normal work schedule and are free to go home at your leisure. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to call my extension (3000).

Thank you,

Pepper Potts”

Leave? You have been so caught up in the whirlwind that is Bucky Barnes that it was completely forgotten that The Compound wasn’t your home. It feels as though this perfect timespan has completely crumbled unexpectedly underneath your feet.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asks, staring intently at you from the stove worried.

“I- I was told I could go home.” You say, sorrowfully.

“Hold on. What?” He responds, needing to hear you say it again as if he doesn’t believe you.

“They cleared the possible breach… I don’t have to stay here anymore.”

Bucky doesn’t say a word but it is very obvious that the wheels are turning in his head, trying to think of a way around this.

“We knew this day was coming though, right?” You say, trying to lighten the mood. But its clear that this news has disheartened you both.

Within the blink of an eye he had taken a few long strides, standing now to your side. His metal arm reaches across your lap to grip the chair, quickly turning the chair so that you’re face to face.

“Don’t go…” He begs softly unable to look you in the eyes.

“I…w-what do you mean, Bucky?” You’re genuinely confused as to what he’s trying to imply.

“Stay.” It comes out as a heavy breath. “Here… with me.” He’s finally able to look you in the eyes, and he seems… distressed? Scared? Worried that if you leave his sight that you’ll somehow never come back?

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” Sitting there stunned, holding your breath, you wait for his answer. Either way you’re terrified. Because either one, he literally just asked you to move in. Or two, you completely misinterpreted what he was saying and you’re about to feel like the worlds biggest idiot.

“I know it’s crazy…” Bucky starts, trying hard to think before he speaks in fear of coming off as too much and scaring you away. “And at the risk of sounding utterly selfish in saying this, I don’t feel as though my every move is being microscopically analyzed when you’re with me. I’ve gained trust back with you. I-I’m infatuated with you. Y/N.” His jaw is clenched, the vein in his temple looks as though it’s about to combust from his admission.

Infatuated? What do I even say to that? Your mind starts racing. Flashes of your possible life with Bucky start taking over your mind. Living together and waking up to those perfect pancakes he makes every morning. How instantly protective he is of you whenever you’re in public. The most passionate and intense sex that some people only dream about having. Slow dancing to the record player in the living room every night. Him wearing an all black suit, feeling comfortable with no gloves waiting for you at the end of the isle. What kind of dad would he be? Does he even want those things?

All of his focus is on waiting for your answer. His breathing drawn out as he tries to control it to not seem as nervous as he feels. A part of you wants to only dip your toe in the water, to take things slow because this can be a tough life when you’re so attached from the feelings involved. The other part of you wants to just dive right in. You want to live together? Yes. You want to get married and start a family? Yes. You’re talking about a future that surrounds each other? Yes, yes, and yes. The thought is terrifying but exhilarating at the same time. But the difficult journey could lead to an amazing destination. There’s no way to find out unless you try.

“That’s a really big decision, Bucky…” You start, and his head instantly falls forward in disappointment. “But…” His head picks back up, your gaze meeting each others. “Let’s try.”

His eyes widen in excitement. “Really?!” I’ve never seen him this animated about anything before.

“Really.” Your eyebrows raise as your lips curve upwards into a beaming smile at not just the possibility, but the reality of this happening.

“Ugh, Y/N. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any happier. You always surprise me!” Bucky quickly snatches you from the high counter chair at the island. The giggles effortlessly flow out as he picks you up and spins you around once. Placing your feet firmly back on the ground, he cups the left side of your face with right hand.

“You do realize this means that your place probably won’t be spotless anymore, right?”

“Our place” He corrects, mirroring the giant cheesy smile. “Worth it.” He says, placing a gentle kiss against your lips. "Get ready, let's go and get your stuff."

Sitting in the passenger seat, you look over at Bucky. It's one of those moments where you feel like the luckiest woman in the world. This is a moment you'll remember for a lifetime. He has dark sunglasses on, concentrating on the mostly empty road. With being tall, he props his left knee underneath the steering wheel, using it to maintain the car straight. His right hand reached over, resting on your knee and giving it a gentle squeeze as his thumb rubs smoothly over it. The golden hue from the fall foliage makes his outline glow, as if he were an angel.

How is this even real life?

Coming back into the current moment, you recognize the song on the radio. Bucky actually let you control the music for once. Which is probably something he is going to regret.

"I love this song!" You exclaim, turning the volume up. But of course not too high for the old man.

"She's the one, she'll always be there She took my hand and I made it, I swear Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show She said, "What?", and I told her that I didn't know She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window Everything's better when she's around I can't wait 'til her parents go out of town I fell in love with the girl at the rock show!"

You stop, realizing that Bucky is looking over at you and not the road anymore. "You doing that staring thing again." You laugh. "What?!" You ask, suddenly feeling self conscious from singing.

He smiles, shaking his head. "I just enjoy being around you." It's the simplicity of being yourself that he admires most. Every move isn't articulated or pre-planned. There is no immediate danger. Life can be uncomplicated when you're free to be yourself.

The thought of just being with each other makes you feel warm inside. Who would of figured that you two would be the ones leaning on each other?

The rest of the car ride was pretty quiet. No particular reason, just relishing in the cool autumn weather for the duration of the drive.

Soon enough you're on the dirt road leading up to your parents house. Getting closer, you notice that both cars are parked in front, meaning both of them were home. Bucky parks and looks over at you, seeing what your reaction is going to be. You squeeze his hand that is still on your knee and smile. "Just give me a moment to grab some things, okay?" You say, still holding his hand for reassurance.

"Okay." He reluctantly let's go of your knee as you get out of the car.

Walking up to the front door, you know the conversation that is about to be had. Your jaw clenches in anxiety as you enter the house.

"Oh hey, sweetie!" Mom says, pausing from dusting the pictures on the mantel. "We were wondering when you would be coming home!"

"About that..." You start, taking a deep breath as your hands ball up into fists from being nervous. "I've decided to stay at The Compound. I just came here for my things." It gets blurted out.

"Oh?" Mom replies, waiting to see if there is more of an explanation than you've provided.

"Why is that?" Dad asks from the hallway, leaning on the frame. His sudden appearance makes you jump, not knowing he was right there. The ball of nerves inside of you doesn't necessarily help the situation either.

"We all knew my staying here was temporary..." You say truthfully, but it still comes out like an excuse.

"So...it's in relation to your job then?" His eyebrows raise. You were taught better than to lie, especially to him. And even if you tried, he would know.

"Kind of." Your response is dancing around the whole truth. "I don't have a lot of time." You say as you briskly walk into your room. It won't be hard to pack since you have been living out of suitcases since you came home from college. Not taking the time to fold your clothes, you shove them all into the collection of duffle bags and luggage.

"I'm confused..." Mom says as she walks into the room.

"There isn't anything to be confused about." Not being able to look at her, you continue to pack your bags rapidly.

"You don't see what's happening here?" Dad directs the question towards mom and then quickly answers for her. "This is about James."

"James?" Still confused, she looks between you and your father.

An exacerbated sigh comes from your mouth as you angerly slam a shirt down into your bag, now glaring at your father.

"So what if it is?" You challenge.

"You know how I feel about him..." Dad keeps a level, monotoned voice as if you were negotiating over a hostage situation. He takes a step forward but you hold your ground.

"And you know how I feel about him, Dad! This is the first time I have felt happy in the year and a half since Luke died!"

Mom stands in the room, looking between the two of you anxiously. Dad sighs, evidently starting to get more annoyed at the thought of you and Bucky together. "Why can't I have this, Dad?" You ask, feeling defeated. "We took a loss as a family, together. We got through it, together. But this is something that I want and I feel as though Luke would be happy for me!"

There's suddenly a knock at the door. Closing your eyes in frustration, you already know who it is. Your head rolls forward and you slip passed your parents and open the door to no other than Bucky. He only takes one step into the doorway, just enough for the screen door to close behind him. He clears his throat, his lips pressed into a thin line.

"Sir." He acknowledges your father only to be met with an intense stare. Well if they're going to have a staring contest, sorry dad but you're going to lose.

“James.” He sternly acknowledges.

Bucky turns to you, leaning in close as his hand gently holds your elbow. “Are you okay?” He asks, concerned. You nod your head looking over at your dad knowing that it’s just an amount of time before one or both of them explode.

“This is a family matter, Barnes.” Heeeere we go.

The scary thing about Bucky is that when he’s mad, he gets quiet. There’s no temper tantrums, no yelling, and no low blows. Thanks to Hydra, he’s an expert at not reacting when under immense pressure. While the circumstances are different, he’s on the defense. Your defense.

“I understand. I just wanted to make sure Y/N’s okay.” Bucky says in the same monotoned voice that your father just used on you a few moments before. “I’m not trying to interject here-“

“So then why are you?” Dad spits, growing angrier by the moment. Bucky standing here might just put him over the edge.

You quickly step between both of them bringing their focus to you. “Enough.” You say blatantly. “Dad… mom.” You take in a deep breath. “This is what I want. He is what I want. If you reject him than you’re rejecting me.”

The two stubborn men in the room are watching each other intently while trying to lay down the unspoken claim of who you actually belong to.

“I’m grabbing my things and we’re leaving. I understand that this might be a lot to take in at once, so I’ll give you time to process. You know how to get in contact with me. I love you guys.”

Reaching down to the floor, you pick up two of your bags. Bucky reaches down as well, slipping his gloved metal arm through all of the handles and picking up the rest of the stuff. He looks like me when I’ve gone grocery shopping and only want to make one trip from the car. And effortlessly of course. He holds the door open for you to walk outside, and follows right behind.

In silence you both pack the car and leave. There is an unspoken tension between the two of you. How did this day go from being so happy, so excited to head into a new journey together, to this?

"Parents usually love me." Bucky says, breaking the silence by trying to be funny.

"I'm sorry." You respond. Bucky shakes his head. "Really, I'm used to these kinds of reactions from people. I think that you're the only one who hasn't run off the moment we met." He admits.

"Still. I can't apologize for him but I can be sorry that you were treated that way."

"Seriously, it's more natural for people to react that way. You're the only one who hasn't, Y/N. That's what makes you so precious to me."

The ball of anxiety in your stomach starts turning into warm butterflies all over again. I don't understand how so many see Bucky as this deadly, soulless person. He has such a big and kind heart. And while yes, he's past is hard to get over, working hard on himself and making amends with everyone he can, speaks volumes about his true self.

"It finally looks as though someone lives in here!" You say, hands on your hips looking around the newly decorated living room.

"Yeeeah." Bucky says as he scratches the back of his head.

"Oh come on. Having me around all the time won't be so bad."

He laughs while taking a few steps closer, wrapping his arms around you. "That sounds terrible, honestly." He jokes, pulling you in closer. You'll never get over just how warm his body feels when pressed to yours, which makes no physical contact feel just that much cooler.

Jumping up, you wrap your legs around his waist, being overcome with the need to be as close to him as you possibly can. Bucky of course supports your weight effortlessly, each palm grabbing a fistful of your ass. Your arms wrap around his neck as you lean in to kiss him. He moves his right middle finger to gently stroke once over your center. Pulling away from the kiss you let out a giggle, "Oh hey."

"Hey." He smirks, resuming the kiss and brings you to the couch. Sitting down with your arms still around each other, you're now straddling him. Your hips instinctively and tentatively start moving forward and back on his lap. A shallow breath escapes Bucky's mouth with a muffled moan underneath. You smile into the kiss and then pull back. He leans back in to continue the kiss but you withdraw further. Confused, he's looking up at you, his eyes pleading.

Shaking your head and grinning, you take your arms away from his neck, your hands wriggling down between your legs and reach of the hem of his jeans. A sharp breath pulls in from his lips as he keeps eye contact with you. Undoing the button and pulling down the zipper painfully slow, you decide to take on the assertive role here. Your power over one of the most feared men in the world, begging at just the very touch of your hands. Just the thought alone is enough to get you off. But neither of us are getting that right now.

Releasing his erection from his boxer briefs, his hips naturally advance towards your hands. And you let your hands drop away from him.

"What-" Bucky starts, but you place an index finger of his lips. "Shh." You coo quietly. "I'm going to do whatever I want." His eyebrows raise in response but he doesn't protest. After giving him a moment to realize that he is now under your control, you spit into your left hand before moving it back down to the small gap between both of your legs. You grip his shaft firmly, but not aggressively. Your hand starts in a leisurely up and down motion.

You take his bare metal hand and place it between your thighs. "Rip them." You say sternly while grasping onto him slightly harder. Following your orders, his fingers move upward to the waistband of your leggings and pulls swiftly downward. The tearing of the fabric makes your entire body tingle. Bucky discards the remnants of your pants onto the floor, leaving your lower half covered only by a thin, lacy piece of fabric.

Raising yourself up while still straddled in his lap, you gently use your hand to maneuver his tip to your only slightly covered opening. He takes a deep breath as his head rolls back to meet with the top of the couch. His hands twitch slightly on your thighs, trying to control the desire to flip around and bend you over the couch.

Now using your left hand, you pull the material to the side and gently glide him in. His hips try to buck up into you, but still having a firm grasp, you hold him in place.

"No." You say strictly, and he reluctantly relaxes. Continuing to slide him in inch by inch he looks up into your eyes. A small moan escapes his mouth once he is fully inside of you.

You pull him in close to your chest, tenderly running your hands through his hair. Aside from your core having the natural tendency to constrict around him, you don't allow your hips to move. Bucky's breathing intensifies just from the sensation of being inside of you along with your nails in his hair. "Not a word." You whisper, still keeping your body rigid, painfully refusing both of you the release that you so desperately want. But the continuation of your hands rubbing through his hair, down his back, and sensually up and down his arms lulls him to sleep right then and there after a while. You grin to yourself, barely being able to contain the excitement you feel for the repercussions you're going to face for this.

Next part

[lynx52]

Birds of a Feather

I don't know what really happened writing this.

Birds had always been something Tallulah loved; their wings reminded her of Phil, papa. His wings could be tucked under on a cold morning, or just when the day was feeling too much. Now when he hugged her, feathers brushed against her cheeks, comfortin her like little extensions of Pa trying to make sure she was okay. Crows' wings were good to sleep in, blocking out light from outside, letting her hide easier. 

However, the brighter ones' wings were stunning, little streaks of colour flying through the air, lighting up the sky. In the sanctuary, hummingbirds were everywhere, coming to her beck and call if she clasped one of the roses in her small claws. Chayanne liked them to flutter around him, spinning in joy as they attempted to land on his outstretched arms, grinning. 

Flowers were a secondary enjoyment they both shared. Poppies. Lilacs. Sunflowers. Roses now.  Even the moss that they slept beside. It all made her feel safe. The place she slept, the place pa found peace — Roses sanctuary, her father. Gifts shared between the family tended to involve flowers. And the birds liked those too.

Crows. Pa always had a crow nearby, they were kind to her and Chay. Telling little secrets to each other, sometimes teasing Phil, or calling out the same message over and over, attempting to get his attention as he tended to the children. They had loved Chayanne, him being Pa’s actual son, but they’d immediately accepted her, calling out when she was in danger, panicking and demanding for the one who’d harmed hers’ blood. That was something more concerning, but Phil said was best to ignore. They helped, so why worry if they wanted to ‘help’ by killing people. Most of the time they perched on his shoulders, or watched from window sills, cooing in delight when her or Chayanne did something they considered cute. They acted as if they were also Phils kids, enjoying the stories with them, calling out for food along with them. They might be odd, but they were part of the family, she supposed. 

Family was a confusing concept for her. It was to a lot of people on the island, with the assigned parents, the way people disappeared or had issues that kept them away for weeks. The eggs being taken away from their families hadn’t been any help to that. They’d come back, and almost immediately, they’d come to realise that some people had to leave again. With all the relationships that everyone had with each other, it was hard to know exactly what was happening, causing most adults to be dubbed Tio or Tia once trust from the egg was shown. But Tallulah had had a Dad. She’d had one parent. And he’d said he was going to be busy. But he’d taken her in. Then he’d had to leave, work keeping him away from her, and leave her with Phil, her Abuelito, Wilburs’ Dad. Instantly, he’d started caring for her, giving her gifts and items to keep her safe. She’d started considering him Pa, and had told him so. Phil softly told that he had already considered her his kid, and everything stayed, essentially, the same. 

Change was one of her greatest fears. Others changing ranged in amounts of fear, sure, but she herself was changing. When her Dad came back, would she still be the same daughter that he once loved and cared for? Would he see her how she was now and no longer want to look after her? Would he even recognize her? Really, were any of them recognizable anymore? 

Tallulah just wanted to be able to protect her family and friends. But how was she meant to know who those people were.  

[izzyspussy]

First time Jamie realizes he’s a girl soemtimes, go

Oh, I be cycling through ideas on this constantly, most of them almost entirely incoherent lmao. I'll slap together a Top Current 3 for ya right quick.

1. As A Child

I mean like a wee bairn. Like Phoebe's age. This is also pre- James "coming around" so it fully starts out as one of those feel good fluff pieces of yeah I always knew my parents did everything right I transitioned in kindergarten and all the neighbors applauded. You know. In this version, Jamie/Georgie picked the gender neutral nickname on purpose.

This one continues to not be an angst fest even when James does start coming around. Homophobia and transphobia go hand in hand with misogyny, so I'm certain James is those too. However he's also arrogant and careless, and if you add on substance abuse probably not very present.

So, for this one I'm saying James just... never knows lmfao. Jamie just fully consciously is like That's None of His Business and it's almost laughably easy to keep it from him, with very little distress on Jamie's part. Did you ever see ND Stevenson describe that being closeted was (for a while) like having a fun secret and every time someone used his assigned pronouns he felt like he was getting away with something? Like that.

Later, it doesn't so much feel like that for Jamie anymore just because as an adult and then especially as a famous adult he has to keep it on the down low much more extensively, somewhat in order to continue keeping it from James and somewhat to avoid the whole Circus due to the fame part (and also probably he has some vague worries about if he'd still be allowed to play in a men's sports league). It starts to feel a lot more like a closet that way.

But! That doesn't last very long either because James gets seen off after Wembley because fuck him and a yearlong streak of no contact is something to celebrate 🩷 + things went pretty great for Colin + fuck the haters + his environment is truly so full of love and support now it's back to the same level it was in the Before James times so it's easy all over again. He always knew and he transitioned in kindergarten and then he transitioned again at 25 and the football club applauded, etc.

2. Dating Keeley (the First Time)

The way Jamie in canon describes his relationship with Keeley, she was the first domino for him and Ted came second. She saw an even greater Jamie inside an already great Jamie, she made him cultured, she took him to plays and shit, and she taught him to stop getting in his own way as much.

And as per my interpretation, she also taught him at statistically significant amount about intimacy and sex. So... why not also gender?

His egg cracks in a totally mundane moment of non-sexual intimacy with Keeley at Keeley's house, maybe snuggled up on her couch with her furry pillows, maybe watching TV or maybe painting each other's nails or maybe she's reading to him or he's trying to make her laugh.

I think in this version he doesn't really officially Come Out to anybody. He just... starts being a girl sometimes. He's comfortable with his name and he's as comfortable with 'he' as he is with 'she' and that doesn't really change circumstantially. So he just sort of starts gradually incorporating whatever gender affirming stuff he likes into his daily life (both as a man and as a woman and as someone who has no strong feelings on the gender aspect but loves the performance, as relevant). It's literally just. A complete non-issue, once Jamie himself decides he's chill about it, which again happens pretty quickly after James shuffles off this narrative coil because Jamie is resilient and brave and proud and sucks up supportiveness like a sponge.

Roy, Keeley, and Georgie (and by extension Phoebe, Rebecca, and Simon) eventually kind of pick up on it just from being around Jamie so much and seeing him interact with femininity enough that they can't help but notice that it Fits him. Maybe one of them calls him a girl or uses 'she' for him as a joke (i.e. like "girls, you're both pretty" from Roy when Jamie and Keeley are bickering or something like that) and see the way it makes him glow. But he hasn't asked for anything in particular, and he doesn't seem like he's hiding anything, you know he doesn't seem to have that ache like Colin talked about, so... unless he tells them otherwise they just mix in the new pronouns and carry on.

3. When Everyone Points Their Gaydars at Him (LMAO)

This is literally just. alsfjkasfkks. "Someone else in this room is probably gay," and they all look at him, and just instantly POP oh shit there's a reason for that huh? Damn. Anyway, we don't have time for that halftime's almost over. Also that's one of those things where if you realize it that suddenly, either you blurt it out without ever thinking the words you say or else you don't and still don't think any words. His whole entire self is like okay. More on that later.

In this version, he does Come Out. He's not really nervous about it because, again, This Kind Of Thing already went great for Colin + support sponge. And also because it's funny, innit. I love in-jokes, I'm about to make one.

No one is surprised, in this version. They all have basically the same experience as Jamie had when his egg cracked. Oh yeah, that's what that was. Oh, also! The team together like mad-libs together a Frankensteinish approximation of Ted's "we don't not care" speech that no one who wasn't there would be able to comprehend a lick of (RIP Isaac and Roy).

Once again I do not know how to end the post. Thank you for the ask.

[ripgray-moved]

How does Peter feel about Charlie, and generally how is there dynamic?

so this is a really complex and layered question so forgive me in advance for waffling lol!

i haven't published my updated about on the site yet as it isn't ready ( it's very extensive! ), but i'll share this little snippet from it to give a good idea:

[...] Charlie, his little sister, is born. Due to Paimon's possession, it is believed that she is born with a multitude of learning difficulties and cognitive issues, though she spends her lifetime being somewhat of a medical mystery to the specialists that Annie and her husband Steve take her to see. The end diagnosis, though somewhat irresponsible in its delivery, is moderate to heavy autism— and from then on, Peter becomes her unofficial carer.

peter feels a deep sense of obligation to charlie from a very young age on account of how busy his parents are with their respective careers. he is largely emotionally responsible for her, and learns skills such as cooking and taking care of a young child when he himself is still just a kid. i think that's part of why he seems "regressive" in some ways, in terms of his hobbies and certain traits like the whole blanket collecting thing. also responds well to his dad calling him things like 'petey' and 'buddy': because in those tiny little things, he gets treated like the kid he never got to be.

that inevitably breeds a layer of resentment between them. peter himself ( if we're looking at the time charlie was alive, not the overall timeline explored on this blog as i play pete almost exclusively post-paimon as an adult ) is a child and an older male child at that. he'd very much like to have his own separate friends, life and hobbies, but there isn't much room for that. he can't develop 'normally' because he has so much to do, and most places he goes socially he has to bring charlie along with him. even though he knows it isn't her fault, he sometimes catches himself wishing she wasn't there; not dead or anything like that, just not present where he is in that moment. he wants some damn privacy. wants to go to the fucking mcdonalds on his own, like an average teenage boy.

there's also a level of trauma-bonding between them, though only from peter's side as charlie doesn't really retain the horror of the paint thinner incident courtesy of paimon. actually, that's a quick note i'd like to make: none of this is a representation of autism by the way; the whole point of it is that she isn't autistic, she's possessed by a demon— but you can't exactly get a diagnosis for that in most places lmao. this isn't meant to come across as "charlie can't do anything because she's autistic"; it's paimon hindering her so heavily, given his poor adjustment to a host so young and unfit for him.

the above being said? by and large, peter feels a deep love for his sister, in part because he feels so responsible for her, but mostly just because he's her big brother and as broken as their family is, he steps up to the plate. he doesn't want charlie to feel as alone as he does, and even though it can be difficult to connect with her because of her possession, he still tries his best.

charlie doesn't have much of a personality because of her possession, but her affection for art, though bolstered by paimon, is very much genuine. the two have some nice memories built on peter trying— and failing— to sculpt and draw like her. they also do have some genuinely positive memories of hanging out both in the treehouse and in the woods surrounding their home, as well as a couple on family outings / holidays when they were both younger.

their dynamic is probably best described as strained, though it's for reasons that neither of them can help, as well as their frail sense of family on account of their absent— and in annie's case, abusive— parents.

[furiousgoldfish]

Thankfully, I have been able to move away from an abusive environment and heal a lot. However, for reasons completely unknown to me, everyone in this new place has started making me the villain of their story, no matter what I do. At school, I am accused of being a bully towards my friends, even though said friends have said time and time again I haven't bullied them. Teachers have even threatened to get me expelled for said bullying that didn't. even. happen! The parents of my friends call me a bad influence on their children for teaching them to stand up to oppression at school and at home. I feel like they just feel threatened by how I'm able to see through the bullshit and help my friends do the same. My boyfriend, one of the first people to show me consistent kindness despite my trauma symptoms, has become overly reliant on me, to the point I'm expected to act as his second mom. Whenever I refuse to, he, his parents and almost everyone else actually responsible for him gets mad at me for "not fulfilling my duties". I'm not sure what they mean? Am I really solely responsible for my boyfriend's wellbeing and safety? I can barely take care of my own. There is also no reciprocity, if I ever need help, I'm completely ignored and even ridiculed for asking.

I feel like everyone hates me and I can't figure out why. I tried really hard to be a kind and generous person, but if this is what I get, I'm tired of trying.

It sounds like there's a nasty smear campaign going around targeting you, or several of them. Someone might be telling lies about you to put you in a bad position, out-compete you, or as a form of revenge. This is something that will sometimes happen even to non-abused people, but to us it feels more personal, and more like an extension of our personal nightmares.

I think you're completely right on how nasty people are feeling threatened by you because you can see thru their bullshit, and it is in fact, common for such people to take measures to get rid of you (such as spreading lies and smear campaigns behind your back). Try figuring out where this rumor came from and who started spreading it, if you can ask people where they got this information and they admit it, you might be able to find the source and things might start making more sense.

You are not responsible for your boyfriend's well being, it sounds to me, from just this info, that he might have been kind to you at the start, (or consistently for a while) only to get you in a position where you'd feel responsible for his well being, knowing that he can turn other people against you or use sensitive information against you, the second you don't do as he wants you to. It doesn't sound like he's being kind anymore, because a kind person would not pick off an abuse victim and claim this person now responsible for my well being. He's not your baby, he's not your child, you are not responsible for his well being. And if there's no reciprocity, it's possible that this is not a good or beneficial relationship anymore, failure to reciprocate anything back, and being ridiculed for asking, is grounds for a breakup (if you decide on one, I know this isn't easy). It's also an awful thing to do to you.

I understand it's extremely frustrating and tiring to deal with all of this at once, and it feels like the situation will not get better. But, if you can isolate each one of these issues and deal with it separately, and understand it comes from separate sources that actually have nothing to do with who you are as a person, what your life is being shaped like, or what the future holds for you, it might be easier to see that this isn't a proof that life will always be awful. It might take a while to find a place where you can be only around people who see you in a human and positive way, and who would never try to make you responsible for things you cannot control, or should be responsible for. This is, however, really tough, and I'm so sorry you have so many sources of stress and guilt at once. I hope you find a place in your life where you can rest, and gather enough strength to stand for your rights and dismiss the bullshit.

It sucks to feel so hated and stressed, but you don't deserve any of it. And there will be people who will see you and appreciate you without insane expectations.

[tiffcore]

tw: typical dol grossness. kylar is braindead

Angel has ... Interesting relationships with people in his school.

He's sure there's like, an actual demon in his fifth period class. Winged and horned and tailed and fanged and most definitely sacrilegious. Not sure what has to happen for someone to become a demon but, okay little succu-girl, you do you.

They don't talk and he's not affiliated with her in any form, but it's not like she's pulling up to class anyway - he's almost absolutely certain she has more pressing matters to attend to.

His loyalties lie elsewhere. Like with Robin, Willow and Ivory from chem, that cute Sydney boy that goes to temple and reads the holy scripture. Nice, pleasant folk. The type to ask about his day and help dab the cum of some dick head off his school trousers because he thought it was a good idea to take the bus today.

Whitney is naturally the bane of anyone's existence, but apparently likes to make it his personal perogative to make Angel feel put on the spot no matter where he goes. If he's not calling the man a trap, he's groping at his pussy and asking "if his balls dropped yet", bares his flat chest to the whole school, steals his clothes after swim class and forces him to walk around with a towel because he has too much pride to beg Whitney for them. He knows when Angel is running low on money though, because he'll stiffen his upper lip and grovel proper. But it's also the worst mistake he could have ever made - to assume that Whitney is placated by the one time. If he knows Angels willing to do it once, he's going to do it again. If not, his lackies have no problem helping Angel come to a compromise.

Angel's defiance against Whitney is a fickle thing. Sometimes he doesn't struggle. Other times Whitney is risking life and limb trying to fuck with him. I feel like it would eventually taper out into a begrudging respect, because I can imagine Angel hanging out with Whitney (maybe against his will, maybe not.)

Kylar and Angel used to be good friends. Over the summer they totally grew apart though - Angel was going through his own stuff - and going from almost inseparable to no contact was too much for Kylar to bare. He tried to stiffen his upper lip - tries to come back in small ways. Like feeding Angel's ants whenever he neglected them, putting little gifts under his pillow, keeping an eye on him and making sure he was being safe,

and being able to watch him slowly change over that seemingly insignificant stretch of time did something to him man.

Angel was so perfect. A nice girl who used to watch him draw in art class, and didn't say much herself, opting to observe as opposed to talk. She was so pretty ...

Not so much so outgoing, but very attentive and on point. Wouldn't let him trample the flowers in the park, and when it was just the two of them at the lake, didn't mind him seeing her topless. Maybe it was a little ambitious of him to think of Angel being the perfect mom.

Her tits would grow in and she'd fill out enough that the boys would stop making fun of her, girls would stop pitying her, and Kylar's parents make enough money that it wouldn't be hard to give their kid a nice life! A white picket fence and two loving grandparents. He always liked the idea of being a young dad, with a quiet wife, watch their son (or daughter) grow up, be able to spend more time with them...

But his little fantasy is just that. Nothing more. When he learns that this is in fact no phase, Angel really does use he/him and is a boy, well, forgive him for being a little unwell about it!

He knows Angel still ought to have his pussy, that it still might work, so Kylar inquires extensively, and at first Angel feels like he's taking the time to get to know him better, but the discussions begin to delve too close into intimacy - asking about his genitals, wanting to check them,

Angel isn't one to get up in arms or violent, but Kylar ended up forcing his hands.

One of theie last interaction was Angel shoving him up against a locker, saying something along the lines of:

"Say some shit like that again, and I'll bash your fucking brains in."

After Kylar inquired if he'd be okay with their kids calling Angel Mommy - because of course they can't have two dads.

Kylar still sits next to him in English class, much to Angel's chagrin.

[magicmindless]

A hc list but it’s just Sue

Aka the other girlfriend

- She and Mary are the same age (32) but Mary was born 1 month before her

- Has a very attractive voice. Like, it’s calm, gentle, refined, almost sultry even… at least when she’s not angry

- She’s one hell of a singer

- Kinda acts like a teenager sometimes, being really sarcastic and making witty remarks at times not to mention her short temper

- To her underlings at Fluffmart, they see her as a scary older sister that you have to listen to and Sue sees them as a bunch of annoying younger siblings (most of them are queer teens or younger adults) but no one hurts them except for her

- She is indeed an older sister, having 2 younger twin brothers both 17 and still in high school

- Believe it or not, she doesn’t like hurting people (on most occasions) and will feel bad if she makes someone cry or genuinely upsets them on accident. (Especially if it’s Mary)

- She blushes easily when she’s embarrassed and god forbid anyone points it out

- She’s a good emotional support, being reliable when her friends need someone to talk to or listen to them and will stand up for them

- She was a really bad kid who constantly fought other children and threw tantrums though it was partially due to conditions about how her parents treated her (she wasn’t spoiled nor abused but it’s a bit complicated)

- Was a popular kid in high school. Not in the mean girl way, but she was chill and cool with most people and beat up bullies with her softball bat

- She isn’t super extroverted but she finds talking to people easy. She likes small talk and having in-depth conversations with people, almost anything will interest her

- Has amazing memory, especially if it’s something she heard (Edit: I learned this is called echotic memory and yeah that’s part of her memory that is really good, she can remember things she’s heard years ago)

- Random hc I decided to add because of the last thing but Sue can also memorize things she has read very well too. Like she word read a book in years and can still remember it word-by-word

- She knows how to bake and is pretty decent at it. She mostly bakes bread and cookies, but can bake a few other things

- She likes to read, her favorite genres being horror, thriller, and fantasy though she does prefer audiobooks more nowadays and often listens to them during her off time

-Romance is ok but it’s closer to being in her bottom 5 than top 5 favorite genres to read/watch

- She writes in a journal everyday, some entries are long and extensive while others are just “well, it rained”.

- Likes the thought of being more girly like wearing dresses and having nice makeup and hair. She’s even been given makeup and hair accessories from Mindy and Vicky

- She likes any shirt or dress with a collar

- She has a bellybutton piercing though not a lot of people know about it because she doesn’t wear crop tops or anything that exposes her stomach very often

[alizeh-tu-badi-mushkil-hai]

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I shared something with you. Despite being skilled in many languages and having an extensive vocabulary, I find it hard to express myself to anyone, including you. It’s intimidating, almost like sensing something but not being able to articulate it or being injured but not knowing the source of the ache.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about loneliness, which you may have encountered too. Google defines loneliness as "a negative emotional reaction to feeling alone." But in my opinion, it's the sense of having a void inside of you that you try to fill in any way you can but are unable to.

When my friend first described what loneliness meant to her, "I have a nice job. I have dependable, helpful friends. I'm covered by a roof. I want to realize a dream. I have everything I need..." she questioned herself, " But why do I still feel alone in the world? What do you think about it? I mean, how is it possible?"

"Sometimes I feel like I need a good escape. Something cozy and comforting, like my childhood blue blanket, my red bicycle, or the hot chocolate from that book cafe. In addition to feeling this way, when I sit with these emotions, I also experience a need for love. Love changes things. When I consider love, I picture myself waking up in the morning and feeling the need for a warm embrace, my chilly legs resting on their warm ones. I want to be surrounded by smiling, pleasant faces. I want breakfast to show how much they care about me. Everything that contains love, I need it. But when you've yearned for this love for 20 years, it can sometimes tear you apart."

"But what do you mean by loneliness breaking you apart?" I asked her.

"I have heard, felt, and seen my mother's loneliness," she remarked, "My mother's isolation in her home screams happiness disguised as suffering. I have observed her dining alone, waiting alone, sobbing alone, happy alone, and cooking alone in a crowded house. I believe that I may have felt lonely as a child before I ever fell in love. The fear of being alone, even in love, is brought on by loneliness. Because of how much you love them, you still experience loneliness, proving that love is insufficient to fill the void. I don't know how to measure what I mean when I say void. Perhaps, I am the only person in an empty world."

She continued, "You know what, when people ask me what I think about loneliness, I don't have words to express it, but there are some images in my mind. It made me feel better. An image of me riding the bus home from work would show me surrounded by kind strangers, the sun setting the way it does in movies, and listening to my favorite music, but despite the bus being packed with people, I would still feel lonely and empty. Have you ever seen a barren café with a table and two chairs next to a sizable window and some flowers on the table? There are two cups of tea on that table, and I'm seated on the opposite side. I don't know, I feel like everything is so lovely and peaceful everywhere, but the turmoil of needing someone to come with me and talk to me hurts. Even though there are numerous visually appealing things nearby, nobody wants to spend time with me. They say that loneliness is a scary emotion, but I feel that my fear of being alone has become ingrained in my body. I've been consumed by that feeling."

"That's terrible," my words found their way out, "But when did you start feeling like this?"

She reminisced, "I remember when I was a kid, nobody wanted to be with me but my toys. What kind of person would want to be with a voodoo doll? The pins of my sister's missing parents, my grandmother's longing for her deceased husband, and my mother's loneliness somehow found their way into a voodoo doll like me. Because of the pins all over my body, people who touched me often suffered injuries. Children play with toys, not voodoo dolls, I realized. I was lonely in so many ways that I don't feel it was my fault. It could be lonely out there. We are merely pretending to have someone to lean on, but perhaps we are actually passing away, dying while carrying the suffering and sorrow of the loved ones we never had."

"That's a lot..." My heart felt like it was getting squeezed. "Have you ever thought about how you might escape from this?"

"I tried making love with someone I didn't love," she admitted, "I tried making art. I gave writing a try. I gave drinking a try. I did everything I could, but the problem is that it never goes away. Perhaps, it has assimilated into who I am. Sometimes, wanting love for oneself is against the law. So, on my empty bed, I swaddle myself in a childhood blanket. I sob until the pillow is soaked in tears and then wait until it transforms into a vast ocean - to die feeling empty rather than to dive to find peace. If I pass away, my body will clatter because the sound of unheard yearning for love is made by empty corpses. When I pass away, I want it to be remembered as a day when loneliness was finally put to an end..."

After our entire conversation, it reminded me of a few lines Sylvia Plath had written about loneliness, "Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyways. It comes from a vague core of self-like disease of the blood, dispensed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagious."

[fractalkiss]

could you do a director's commentary on 'who's gonna hold you down'? and/or ⭐ for your deaging fic!

i'm gonna do director's commentary for one of the parts that had me shaking crying throwing up when i was writing 'who's gonna hold you down' AND one from jwds deaging fic because that's fresh in my mind...rip. hope this isn't too much lol thanks for dropping by to ask these!

who's gonna hold you down commentary:

Lucas doesn't like to admit it but he's supposedly (claimed by Dustin) the worst driver out of them. Erica could parallel park better than he can, and she'd just gotten her licence. Even Will—who for some reason, swore he'd suck at driving, could back it out into a busy street with enough calm: whose wasted ass did you steal Jonathan's car for to go pick up? And still? Dustin had asked just a couple months ago in their chatroom, and Will flipped him the bird via text. That's what Lucas told Max anyway. What El tells her on timed phone calls under the phone bill's watchful numbers, was the abridged version but funnier versions, in El's flat unhurried tone. [i just love the idea of erica being able to parallel park better than her older brother and the idea of will taking jonathan's car in the middle of the night to pick up the guy he's been sort of maybe seeing on and off when he's drunk to help bring him home (shoutout to male oc lionel). will deserves so many good things and i want him to be HAPPY. @ duffer bros please dn't kill him off the next season. TERRIFIED for this guy, i want him to live. i'd also like to think that it's maxine and will who doesn't let el pull away from the group too much after her breakup with mike. i almost forgot his name as i was answering this, i was about to say finn wolfhard. my thoughts on el and mike is that there are no thoughts besides el needing to grow as her own person eventually away and separate from mike. me @ el: he's just some guy!!]

The thing is, she's never been impressed by sunsets. Not here, nor the ones that sprawled out over the beaches in California like something alive and hungry. Max imagines instead, a sliced apricot in place of the sun, glowing over the horizon. A side effect of Lucas always reading her to sleep when she was recovering from her broken body, before she got bored with the books she'd chosen herself and couldn't get past the reedy voice he put on for parental figures and asked him to talk about their friends.[max's whiplash in between wanting to die about lucas' impersonations and having to adjust seeing the world by extension via someone else while she's lost some of her vision in this fic, which i think can be pretty debilitating during the recovery phase for someone like her, whose natural inclination is to put up a wall up around herself and hold her own]

It was fine. Lucas didn't have rich or creative descriptions for them sometimes, but she listened. She listened, smiled, jabbed, and choked out laughter at all the good parts, until Lucas didn't have anything to tell her one day.[it's his loneliness upon max's loneliness!! secondhand! he does all this for max but what if it might never be good enough and max knows, so she reacts the way she does--she smiles and laughs and rolls her eyes as long as she listens. one chapter a day and they'll get through it one day at a time!! if she listens and lets him go on then maybe there'd be no need for to give any more of herself back]

"They ask about you," he said.[trying to get through to her via the power of friendship over long distance]

Max is too tired to shrug. "Same old."

"Yeah but, you know," Lucas said, in that voice Max simultaneously hated and loved.[i'd like to think they were 2 years going on strong here and then right after she was released, they took a break lucas knew she needed and then continued on strong again up to the present roadtrip scene] If she hadn't been jacked up on morphine, feeling vaguely disgusting in scrubs she sweat into a lot, she wouldn't have said anything. How unbearable, to still have gotten your feelings hurt by being told you were withdrawing into yourself, again. She thought her shame cortex for displaying basic human vulnerability should have dimmed down after dying once.[this is basically me questioning and navelgazing as i was writing: the power of friends and friendship might have saved someone, but what happens after that? what's life after that when things have to change and people naturally grow apart. in a sense, i meant for it to be max thinking she was gonna live her life every day to the fullest after escaping death, but she's still coming to terms with the life she's left with]

Now, she can smell the ocean, salt and brine after they've found a spot to sit. 

They'd brought Lucas' bike, strapped to the top of his dad's car and wheeled it atop a road that stretched on and on, easy to pedal through with speed, almost as fast as being on a skateboard. Lucas mounts it, and Max gets on behind him. 

"You wanna tell the others about today?" Lucas asks. Not what he'll think of today, but what Max thinks of, the things she wants to remember.[she remembers that there are people who's stuck with the life they're left with too, and that she can't fault them for wanting to share it with her.]

She can smell his clean shampoo, the dense thick pine along the road, and the taste and ringing of something close to happiness in her teeth.[needed sensory descriptions here especially with scent, i was not going to leave that out to describe familiarity and love] "Of course."

They start moving and set off, the wind rushing past their ears like a song[the kids biking + max going along on her skateboard really has become a staple in ST. i thought of kate bush's love and anger for lumax specifically, i think the lyrics encapsulates the kind of dread and hope for a future]

--------

hold your lost causes commentary:

i'll pick one scene that isn't too depressing (to me)

Dongsik nudges Juwon's leg with his knee hard enough that Juwon bristles and says "Don't," but he's smiling a little. Smiling just enough that Dongsik can push himself closer and crowd him in. Juwon tries to elbow Dongsik away, even though he's got his hands fisted in Dongsik's hoodie, shuddering at the warm contact when Dongsik tries to mouth at his neck, and looking pissed off anyway when he manages to straddle Juwon that way on the floor. It's not exactly roughhousing, with the quick kissing in between; Dongsik wonders very briefly if Juwon had anyone to play rough with, in boarding school maybe, or if that was too much for him.[i think i just loved the idea of dongsik trying to lightly roughhouse with juwon and playing unfair by kissing. i personally don't think juwon liked roughhousing at all growing up lmao, but it's dongsik unconsciously filing this thought away in his head to learn something about juwon for later]

"Ah fuck," Dongsik groans, slightly out of breath when Juwon shifts his weight in an actual clean semi-throw to get Dongsik off of him, and pins his leg. "Easy, my back is killing me, actually—"[i love the size difference. and age difference lol so many opportunities for the push and pull between them]

"Sure," Juwon says, but he lets Dongsik's leg out beneath him, one hand on his stomach tentatively, "I did ask you."

"You have all the advantage in the world. You just liked me doing that," Dongsik says as he runs his fingers through Juwon's hair now, tugs gently. He notes how dark Juwon's eyes seem to go. "Why judo?" he asks.

"Why not?"

"Didn't take you for a close contact kind of guy."[lol judo is a martial art that's about grappling, cornering into place/locking, and taking control over your opponent so like BESIDES the close contact, i think judo really does track for juwon. this is me basically taking advantage of the character outline in the translated parts of the script]

Juwon drops his gaze, pushes himself off and sits cross-legged. "Why taekwondo?"

"Jihwa's father had a dojang and held classes. He taught us." 

"Oh Jihwa's father taught you?" Juwon repeats, as if to himself.

"My father encouraged it." Dongsik's father had simply told him when he was a kid that he had to learn how to fight. His brawl streak in middle school and high school became history. "He was always teaching me to fight for yourself as a man. Maybe you wouldn't have liked us at all if we'd known each other then."[i wanted to make sure it was clear in the phrasing that dongsik and his dad were evidently really close back then, besides canon knowledge of it from the drama. it's a reminder every time that dongsik actually had a decent positive relationship with his father in childhood up and juwon is like. acutely aware of this so he listens and tries to push aside his own experiences and understanding of fathers/family as he knows it. at this point after the deaging, it's where he's inclined to want to do this since he thinks dongsik has had a happier childhood--before the tragedy at least--and is thus by far the better person between them just for not lacking this in is early childhood--except dongsik doesn't think this and would never think this of himself.]

"Maybe," Juwon says, subdued. "I suppose it's what fathers do."

"Are you saying that for my sake?" Dongsik asks. There's truth in Juwon's words. The familiar hardness in Juwon's eyes now might have something to do with his father, with whatever Juwon had been doing in Seoul today earlier, but most of the fight inside him had been taught somewhere.

There's a rough, sharp-edged stone that seems to throw itself over in Dongsik's chest each time. He knows what that is, a reminder that's ugly and vindictive, a kind of animal in him that licked at its own wounds when Juwon stood by him years ago against his father.[the kind of animal i envisioned here was meant to be selfish with self-preservation instincts at an all time high ie. not thinking about whether or not juwon gets hurt protecting him, but thinking that it's only right that he can get hurt protecting him because i think, grief and anger is something that people want others to feel with and share and empathize with BUT at the same time, they'll cradle their own grief and anger to themselves and think "no, this is mine to bear and nurse. let me sit with it alone because you would never, and could NEVER understand." like. it's SO conflicting, jwds' relationship is like the ultimate conflict upon conflict LAYERED.] The same brutish, killing animal that imagines the look on Han Kihwan's face if Dongsik visits him just to tell him that his son's a keeper, uses his mouth for something pretty well.[dongsik imagines this, but would never do it because to see any sort of outrage from han kihwan as a father is complicated. would he rather have han kihwan show disinterest and disdain for his own son that he doesn't react? or would being able to hurt him this way actually feel good when that would just mean that he is, still a father most of all? tough choice! conflict upon conflict] But the other curious part of it now, is that maybe Dongsik's feelings are just hurt because Juwon is so careful about putting up a fort around himself. It's terribly ironic; Dongsik is supposed to be the expert here at that.

"Juwon-ah, you don't have to pretend for my sake. Not for me," Dongsik says, barely a whisper. With the rain outside, he's not even sure if Juwon heard it.

But Juwon is close enough that he looks up at him. Just stares at him from the other end of the couch, for what feels like a while, both of them silent like their heads are underwater. "Right. It's just a fighting sport," he says. He says this slowly, like he's really talking about something else.[he's talking about every toxic bad quality that was nurtured and grown in him because of his father]

"It's still you," Dongsik finally says. He'd gotten to know Juwon as a kid and he was always who he was: good. "Maybe I'd want to know. Maybe I don't. And then maybe I'd talk your ear off, would I have that?"[literally the closest to a confession i could write. "will you bear yourself open just a little more for me and listen to me talk your ear off in return??? hmu if yes". essentially, to let someone glimpse you for who you were before and still have them want to stick by you in the present and LEARN about you--that's trust and love baby!!!]

The non-committal phrasing only makes it so much easier to say. That's another thing Juwon learned to understand about Dongsik a long time ago, that he understands now.

"Troublesome," Juwon says, but it's soft. He doesn't make a move to leave. "You have that. You had me long enough."["that was all i've been trying to do with you!!!" (post-canon) "why else would i want to drink an insane amount of tea with u". lord i think i added this line like. a day after posting just because i read it again and thought a more proactive conversation seemed to have better impact, thus adding a line of response from juwon]

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Hi, sorry to bother, but I've been following and reading you for a while now and you sound like the right person to ask for some advice about an idea I had a while back for a story with Kakashi and Gai as the (almost) main couple. More specifically I'd like to ask you if you have headcanons regarding Kakashi and Gai as parents. Briefly explaining, I have this story in which I explore the relationship between the two of them a bit, including the Team 3's involvement as basically Gai's adopted children (albeit in a way that is very hidden and impossible to publicly admit and acknowledge, for bureaucratic reasons and archaic laws) This by extension also includes Kakashi seeing the team grow up, very closely, and being a part of it from time to time; with the three "students" as spectators to the emotional swing that was the relationship between Gai and Kakashi. There's a lot going on, perhaps even too much, in this story. The past of the two, their respective parents' past, distant relatives and more. Among them will be Lee's wife, namely Metal's mother. A woman from a village of criminals, forgotten by the law and the gods, who has a history as a mercenary, assassin-for-hire with very gray morals and a fairly traumatic past, as well as somewhat Mary Sue-like relatives (I apologize, but I've tried to give her a great deal of flaws, to compensate) And her and Lee's relationship is surprisingly strong. She adores him, not afraid to express it, she thinks he's unique and precious. A divine miracle. Despite this, she's afraid of ruining him and being a curse to him, so wishing to see him safe and happy all the time pushes him away a bit. (In a sort of parallelism between this relationship and the one of Kakashi and Gai.) And after this unnecessary rambling, my actual asking is, do you have any headcanons for this kind of scenario? What might Kakashi think about this woman and her relationship with Lee? And Gai? And how could they be as parents? And Lee and TenTen as siblings? Apologies again for the annoyance and thank you very much for your patience.

There is no annoyancw! I love answering questions involving headcanons.

Also, bever apologize for a Mary-sue like character. Heck, Boruto is a thing and he’s what I would call a Gary-sue. It’s not for me personally but as long as there are actual character flaws it can still be a lot of fun and even if not, it’s just fun.

You make your character’s how you want.

As parents i think Kakashi and Gai would balance each other out really well

Gai is hands on and exciting. He plays with the kids (sometimes a bit too rough) and trys to make himself always available

Kakashi is a little more hands off but still very much there. He prefers reading with his kiddo and teaching them, and leaves the play to Gai who has a lot more fun with that. He’s also super patient and calm, where Gai is a bit more impatient and pushy at times.

These trait can clash, but the two of them work together and talk about important things like what they want for their kiddo, appropriate punishments, etc so they have a really tight well figured out parental system.

Tenten and Lee i’d say are the siblings who often roll their eyes at each other (tenten) and don’t know the meaning of ‘personal space’ (lee). They can often devolve into arguing but would also kill for each other without hesitation.

What Kakashi thinks is it’s not really his place to have an opinion on Lee’s relationship.

His goal isn’t really to interject into anyone’s relationship, but to see the people he cares about happy. As long as Lee’s wife makes him happy, Kakashi is happy.

As long as she is good to Lee, Kakashi is supportive. He might offer advice once in a while if he feels she needs kt (like he tries to do with Sasuke regarding Sarada) but otherwise is just happy to see them happy.

[pyarababy]

Why is it so hard to be a mother?

I see mothers – all hen pecked running behind their offspring. In parks, in malls, in homes, everywhere.

Have we made parenting so hard – this is a question I ask myself every day.

As a new mother after a late-term pregnancy loss, I was anxious and determined to be the best mother I could be. I read parenting sites, government health sites and social media sites extensively.

When my son was born at 34 weeks, I was ready. I was going to exclusively breastfeed him and ensure he got the best nutrition possible. Of course, this came with the pride of doing something that is really hard.

I didn’t have issues with latching or feeding. My son was a champ, latched straight away.

After a couple of months of careful feeding, and developing a pattern, my son was thriving – active, meeting milestones and gaining weight (this is the bible of motherhood – how chubby your child is and my baby seemed to be getting there).

Starting month 3 or 4, I realised that in my goal to do the best for my son, I hadn’t done the best for myself. I have a good career in which I have spent almost the last decade of my life. With the baby dependent on me for sleep (4-5 times a day and then bedtime) and as a food source, I had no place to be me. I tried my best to introduce pumped milk via bottle, and formula but it didn’t help and perhaps my son loved his mum too much to not accept any foreign items for food.

The real struggle began a couple of months after introducing solids and food strikes became a constant battle. Making 10 things a day just to get my son to eat a few measly bites. His food – whether from the family pot or things I made just for him were tasty – my husband and I could eat them, no worries. But nothing seemed to attract my son for long enough and he is growing up on biscuits and mango.

Early bedtimes which I am promised will help us one day have become difficult. We are not able to go for dinners and functions and just normal life.

Oh through all of this, I had unstinting support and help in the form of my husband, my father-in-law and various babysitters. Yet there never seems to be enough time to be me, to relax and be normal. Some days when my husband and I watch an episode of a series on Netflix after the baby goes to bed, oh I feel so good. I sometimes get to read a few chapters of an interesting novel and there is happiness to retain some bits of me. But I am struggling. Is this because we are all taught to have ‘chilling out’ or being entrepreneurs as our primary goal? I don’t know. I feel like I haven’t adjusted well to the version of myself who is a mother and a wife and a daughter and a daughter-in-law.

There is also the struggle of having a mum myself who is the epitome of motherhood. She will stand for hours just to ensure the comfort of her 3 children and here I am who is struggling to manage 1. She makes everyone comfortable around her, and adjusts in every situation, climate and environment and I am just not getting there.

At the crux of all these things is just this self-doubt. What am I doing wrong – what wrong sleep associations have I given, what bad food do I make, what bad food habits am I nurturing? Will the baby grow up and not respect his mother’s time as a working professional? Will the toll of not getting enough sleep for 14 months get to my sanity and make me innately unhappier and later impact the personality of my son?

There is no happy ending to end this post on. Just asking myself for inner strength and patience and to just get to that elusive greener side where I am a better mother to my son and not just a tired girl waiting for days to pass by.

[umbrellajamming]

#anyways trust me when i say that none of this is meant in a negative way because this is what i Like about them lmao

#forever thinking of the M/F fight where dick expects that tim will go alone with his line of thinking just because he says so #and is shocked when tim doesn't and instead has his own thoughts and feelings abt the matter #and babs has to tell him that tim isn't him & had a fundamentally different experience to him

#it's like hmmm very realistic to me #the way they do this to each other in a way that almost is depersonalizing but like isn't actually #it's more just that they understand each other so well most of the time that it's easy to forget that they're their own person #with their own thoughts and feelings

#like hm. there is something very realistically siblings about it in that #older siblings do tend to try and dominate the relationship with their thoughts and feelings because #their first memories are of being expected to lead their sibling and the sibling usually comes at a time when the older sib is v possessive #so the older sibling conceives the younger sibling as belonging to them and being kind of a hm extension of them vs their own person

#meanwhile the younger sibling has no knowledge of a life where the older sibling doesn't exist #and the younger sibling's experience is that of observation of the older sibling from basically the very first day of life #so the younger sibling will often see and perceive the older sibling in very interesting ways #they're always learning something with thay observation good or bad #and thus probably develop more instrinsic understanding than even the parents do #and conflict comes because each is their own person but it's hard to see them that way sometimes

#anyways there's also another thread where for dick it's hard to conceptualize tim's family of origin as real compared to them #but that's like mainly headcanon just know i'm right and it's interesting (tags via @scintillyyy)

can you really talk about tim's tendency to idolize and place dick on a pedestal and his semi-entitlement to understanding dick without also talking about dick's tendency to project his own feelings and insecurities onto tim and also his semi-entitlement to his right to try and micromanage how tim should feel and react about things. i, personally, cannot.

[bridgitsoratorio]

LOVE FOR DOGS

Hi everyone, Welcome to my blog! I am Bridgit Soratorio, a fur mom of 2 dogs. I’m so excited to share my thoughts, stories, and experiences about being a fur mom to my dogs. I hope you enjoy reading this and find inspiration and motivation on how to take good care of your loving pets and build a new friendship.

My two spitz-type (chow-chow) dog breeds taught me to take fur parenting seriously. Their names are Tobby and Chicago Drei. It’s tough taking care of them because they are high-maintenance dogs that need extensive training, grooming, and attention. Chicago and Tobby are siblings, they are like a blessing to our family. I never regret having them because going home tired or having a bad day almost everyday, they always make me happy. We sleep, eat, and play. I wake up in the morning in the best mood from the kisses my dogs give me. I love my dogs because they’re kind, cute, funny, and full of unconditional love. They always bring joy and noise in our house because sometimes Chicago and Tobby fight, but it’s just a siblings bond. There have been many times in my life when I felt as if the world were crashing down around me. It came to many points where I would just have an emotional breakdown, and I felt as if I could not talk to any of my friends to express how I was feeling. They were very good listeners to my venting. I could tell them anything I knew. I could count on them not to share anything I had told them. I can’t imagine my life without them. I remember the moments where they tried messing up my room, ruin my values, or poop around the house. I discipline them so it won't happen again. Also, being a fur mom I manage my time wisely by spending time cuddling and giving them food. These are the things we should do when having a dog. First, having fur babies, we should be patient with their actions and give them the attention they want. Second, budget your money because they are highly maintenance they need food, water, shelter, toys, vitamins and regular checkups to prevent health problems. Lastly, problems are not solved through force, hitting or spanking can affect your fur babys and also they might be traumatized. Opening up my life to Chicago and Tobby who needs home is one of the most fulfilling things I can do.

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