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becomingamermaid · 8 years ago

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me and my dissociating ass: Hasn’t had medicine for months, doesn’t know when i am able to get an affordable therapist again, nor anyone to really discuss what the fuck is going on, dissociating heavily for the past 3 days, ..pretty unsure if awake or asleep or even real, suicidal, depressed, mixed manic mood, visual hallucinations, unable to focus properly, and on the verge of a relapse

me:

I have literally been smiling and staring vacantly because my brain is doing the thing and I have to do other things but I can’t get over the first thing and mother needs me to do something and I can’t do it and I am probably n the verge of a panic attack. But ya know, yolo. I also need to start cooking for my brother’s birthday but I am pretty sure I am not 100% in my body right now.

I can’t describe it other than my nerves are sticky, like a sticky hand kids play with, you throw it and it sticks to the wall, and my arms are static..and disintegrating, melting into a puddle. I keep rubbing them but it feels weird. My head keeps floating but there is something at the roof of it.

I am well aware it is odd. It’s as odd as looking at chunks of the world missing. Not there. An absence of a corner. Or someone calls your name but no one is there.

I am mixing up words and have to reread more but it’s harder to catch.

It was easier when I had my dog before they gave her away. Now I tell myself I wake up to take care of my plant. Her name is Camilla and I have no idea what she is but I touch her soft rubbery leaves sometimes and enjoy their gloss.

“Hold on.” I tell myself, but I awake up everyday and I don’t want to. Less and less I am finding reasons to wake up. or excuses or whatever.

I think I got triggered by a memory. I remember I was never allowed to sit on mother’s bed (as I was told I would break it), even now, i hesitantly sit there and she quickly makes a move to get me off of it. Mother is never very comforting. I know I am starved for affection, but I would rather spurn it at this point. I don’t want it.

I remember I wasn’t really allowed to sit on the toilet for too long, I would break that too, I remember getting fussed at about it and when the toilet did actually break, I broke down. It wasn’t my fault, everything in this house is old. The plummer said it was indeed not my fault. Still I felt guilty.

Today marks my brother’s birthday. I am more his mother than his sister. I’m the only one who spends time with him, takes him places occasionally if I am up for it. It all started because my step father used lock us out. I was 13 with a baby and I had to find things for us to do. My childhood was spent taking care of my brother. I had no rest after school, depending on the daycare, right after I got off the bus I either had to walk there, stroller in hand, or catch a ride to the other one. Homework was spent beside him, feeding him, changing him, taking him places if I dared to go anywhere (and once my aunt fussed at me because I left her a note begging her to watch him for an hour because I had a book report and needed to go to the library). I couldn’t do that one again. The few pictures I have of me as a teenager, I always had my brother. I had to accommodate him.

There’s dried blood on the walls of the bathroom in the back, my mother’s bathroom. Unspoken rule is that I am only use it at night. My bathroom door does not have a lock or a knob and there is no way to close it from the inside. My sink does not work properly and the tub doesn’t always give the freshest cleanest water.

Should christmas been spent repairing this broken place? We wouldn’t have had the money anyway, not enough of it. And forgive me for wanting /something/ other than a reminder I live in a broken down decaying home on the poverty line. For once, I wanted something.

We live in a shit neighborhood, 2 murders up the street from my home in less than 6 months. 1 maybe a week ago. I do not go walking anymore. It’s not safe. Not anymore.

My court case comes up soon, next month so I’m hoping for a good ruling, even though the judge is known for being a hard ass, unpleasant, and not very understanding. I’m scared it wont lean in my favor. It’s been years now. If anyone thinks living off benefits is ~the life~. You are sorely mistaken. It’s hell. They put you through hell. They make it feel really bad, disgusting, worthless.

Maybe they aren’t all together wrong. Im tired of feeling guilty for my existence. I really don’t want to exist anymore. I’m tired. I started crying. 4 tears. Then I stopped. I don’t see the purpose anymore. Not of living or waking up or existing.

+2 tears.

I think what’s worse is not being pretty. I’ve lost over 100 pounds and it’s not enough, it’s never enough. I shouldn’t get happy of feeling bones sometimes, but I do. Wrist, collar, leg, pelvis. I can’t always feel them, but sometimes I do. I hate how much it gives me joy. I hate it. I love it.

I had a crush on this guy once, a friend of a friend. I approached the friend to ask him more about his friend, my crush. He told me point blank “you aren’t his type.” and I thought it was because I wasn’t convientally like everyone else. I’ve always been off or weird or in an “otherness” category. (i was one of the few high schoolers known as “miss” before my name). I was wrong. When I friended him on facebook I saw the kinda girls he liked. Small, petit, right size and figure, right curl pattern. lightskinned. It hurt. Normally if a guy approaches me, it’s generally over a friend. My then-friends, were the kinda black girls that were “acceptable”. Cute and pretty and glowing. Smart and talented and beautiful. Even now, Kase gets compliments and whatnot. Usually I get ignored in conversation. She even got a marriage proposal. Like ring and everything (funny, on a guy i had a crush on once long time ago at that) (not that she would accept the proposal, the guy is..., there is something about him I cant put my finger on. He’s a nice guy just...something’s..fishy)

I remember the childhood days of slimfast and skin bleaching and nose pinching by my emotionally distance, physically absent mother spliced with running outside. It’s weird when they had an abusive “put dents in the wall” or “he threatens me with a knife” type of fights and the next morning admit all the broken stuff, I would have to walk over it and head to school. It was weird having an alchol bottle broken and banished at me, and an hour later, I would go back to my friends talking with them on the computer.

It was weird when I had my mattress thrown out on the ground, told to sleep outside, and then later begrudgingly let back in the house suspiciousy before Mother got home. It was weird being locked in a room with no a/c with a live electric wire hooked to the metal door. Forced to suffocate until you decide, I’d rather die than stay any longer. I try not to recount the weird rules of my house, I couldn’t dance outside in the front. Do not open any blinds. My door had to be open. You don’t think about those types of things. I was never allowed to trick or treat. Life at home was hell, life out of home was hell. I wasn’t suppose to just sit here an remember these things. How the kids loved to throw rocks at me at school, big rocks that left bruises and welps. Or food.

I should not remember these things on my brother’s birthday. He, who was basically, my son. Who has been my son from the moment he took his first breath. He, who doesn’t remember I tore off a chair arm to defend him with as kid. He who would never know I came home and saved him from a wall socket while his father slept. He who would never know everything my 13 year old self did to protect him. He who would never know I ran each an every time his drunk father took him, a baby, without a car seat seat into the car and drove off. He would never know how many times again and again I ran to save him, even when my mother made me let him go. Or how hard I prayed he would make it home okay. Or how I made his bottles and one time scalded myself with hot water while his father came in and laughed. The phone was ringing, he needed to be changed, it was chaotic. He would never know I sat in the old rocking chair, now gone, and sang to him to get him to sleep. He would never know any of these things.

I was a mother way before my time. The gossip I remember from school was unpleasant. I think it’s how I learned so many comebacks so quickly. Delivered with cold apathy behind a book. I always had a book.

Anyway, I have things to do. I can’t sit and dwell on my thoughts. I’ll be sad or some such later. I always hate these gross thoughts spilling out. I don’t like thinking about the past. And my life in this hell.

I can’t afford to be emotionally compromised. But, my god, am I close to breaking

#sad mermaid bubbles #long post #idk what's in here but it's a lot #but my blog is all I got

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agentbrainspit · 7 years ago

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Monsters

Meet my friends: Anxy -anxiety, Deppy -depression, and this weeks special guests, the other mee’s! {They’re just a group of different personalities that hang out at the bar in my mind palace}. Anyway, living with them is super tough! Now, Anxy and Deppy have been around or quite some time. After all these years, we’re kinda hella tight. They’re always there to stop me from doing what I love, or assume that people hate me and don’t want to be bothered. They’re great!

All of the things I used to love, all the funny things I used to do.. I lost it all. I had a voice, I was loud and proud and I didn’t give a rats ass who heard me. Now, I hate to give credit to growing up but....I just might be growing up. But now THAT shouldn’t have much to do with losing myself. I just don’t understand what happened? How does one forget how to be themselves? How does a person forget how to be..a person? OK, let me explain.

This is what its like to live with Anxy and Deppy, and the other bunch of me’s....

-I’ve lost my love of research. I don’t look anything up anymore because it a) takes too much “effort, b) I think I’m ok to live without knowing who sings this song, or who played who in that movie, etc. ,c) I’m too busy being sad with Deppy to look things up. Bitch really brings me down, ya know?

-I’ve lost my verbal skills. I come from a very well educated household. I was top writer n my class. My speech skills have severely declined because, bitch ass Anxy, doesn’t like me to speak to people, or read things properly, or express the funny shit that I say in my head out loud. Therefore, I sit silently and enjoy the way others express themselves. Artful, really.

-Can’t really say I’ve lost ALL my verbal skills. That’s when the other mee’s come in. FYI, they like to show up at random times, and most of the time, they’re super instigators. They like to strt shit up with Anxy and Deppy. “Team Anxiety!” “Go team depression!!” Bitches, all of them. Some of these “me’s” are deep. They question life, and random things in the universe. They can be very meta, and see things that other people can’t. I think this particular ‘me” has pareidoilia (where you see faces and things in everything). The ‘me’s’ don’t really have they’re own names but this one is the artsy one. She sees art in everything. She see’s the emotions, the feelings, the possibilities behind everything she sees, everything she comes in contact with, and she can appreciate it all. Silently, she sits and enters a trance as she picks up on all the details, or thinks of some ridiculous theory. She tries to get “deep” with people, but her thoughts are like from another world. Strange. People just don’t get her, which is why she refrains from talking. “The silent one”.

Then there is also the rude one. She straight up doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. She isn’t conceited or anything like that- she knows better. But she tells it like it is and sometimes people cant handle it. She can be brash and maybe even mean. If she’s in the wrong, she’ll just walk away and not care. Throws everything away over something stupid. Does irrational things out of spite. If what she wanted to eat so badly wasn’t available to her when it could have been if it weren’t for someone else making the final choice, she just won’t eat. Literally stare. How dumb is that? She hasn’t been out too often lately because Deppy makes her weak and she doesn’t have enough energy to be rude. “The rude gal”.

There is the “mama”. She want’s to help everyone, and take care of them. Maybe sometimes she comes off as a nagging mom, or “annoying”. She’s always aware of safety, and proximity, and preventing terrible accidents that she sees flashing in her head. Anxy is always on her back about keeping things safe and doing things the right way and yada yada yada. She will sweat her life away trying to serve you and take care of everyone, even though she knows they won’t do it for her. She gives too much advice sometimes, she always has a suggestions. ugh... just shut up. Yes, she can be annoying, but.. she just wants to make sure you’re ok. Really.

There’s the scary one. Mean, rude, disgusting, vulgar. She feeds off the anger that is the fiery spawn of Anxy and Deppy. She suggests the cruelest things. Visions of gore, tragedies, fights, etc, flash before my eyes and it takes everything i HAVE TO KEEP HER AT BAY. I let her loose a few times a while back, and let me tell you.. it was not a good time. She gets through just a tad at times, causing me to have wild mood swings. Throwing things, breaking things, screaming, crying until I can’t breathe, and then she finally suggests that I just end it all- “Today could be your day! Just get it over with. You’ll feel better! You’ll see.” The tiniest spec of me that is left calls out to the shell that is me, and reassures me that things will be ok. Of course, Anxy is now in a tizzy, because “what will my family say?” ,” i can’t do that to my mom”, “ what will i be missing out on?” “what if i was sent here for something and i just gave it all up, so easy?’, “will anyone even notice?”. Deppy chimes in and just tells me to think about it later on. “Be lazy about it for now., at least you can think it over. We don’t have energy for this, its time to be a mopey zoo lion.”

Lastly, hopefully, is the witch. She’s always been with me, since birth. Runs in the family. She is kind,healing, and also wants to help people. After all, it is her spiritual job. AWESOME! Only problem with this is that she can hear and feel extra things. Voices from beyond. She can hear feelings. She can feel energies.This has always been her thing, but as of the last few months, she must have gone through some kind of transformation, because now she won’t shut up. Hearing voices and noises that don’t belong to anyone or anything, which has made me quite jumpy. Also, at random times when near someone, friend or stranger, she can pick up things about these people, and just makes me spit them out to these individuals. Of course I’m going to get weird looks when I’m basically telling you something about yourself that i couldn’t have possibly known. People don’t take to that all too well.

The once outgoing and vivacious creature that I used to be has become muted and still. It’s because I have all these things and voices going on my head and I’m trying to control them so that I can function normally. Just another thing that turns people away... why talk to someone who doesn’t freaking talk!?

-I’ve lost my motivation to do the things I love. Art is my life, and boy do I have soo many incredible ideas. Deppy just doesn’t want me to do them because “sleeping” is a better idea. The fact that I can’t even express myself makes me even more depressed. You see the cycle? Dumb!

-I used to go to the salon every week to do my hair and nails. I was always looking fresh and had makeup and I took exceptional care of myself. I’ve seen the same bullshit in my closet for the last 5 yrs, and ask me if I’ve reeeaalllly dressed up in while. No. The answer no. My confidence level when from 60 to 0...and fast! I try, don’t get me wrong. I deal with what I have, but I’m feeling it now as I get older that, well, maybe I should wear something other that graphic tees and cycle through the same 5 dresses I have. Its a process that now I’m trying to work on. REVAMP MYSELF.

-I have alopecia, and poly-cystic ovaries, and nueropathy, and probably some other crap. I get moody, and I‘m in pain most the time. Anxy freaks out because shes always worried about what people will say about it, and if people notice, and she just tells me to stay silent when I’m in pain because people probably are sick of hearing me hurt and “whine”. So instead of me being vocal when I hurt, I either sit in silence wearing a sticker smile and cry on the inside when everyone is having a good time, or I seclude myself and cry in pain alone, that way I don’t have to inconvenience anyone with my troubles. Deppy agrees with suffering in silence, because who cares, really?

With all of this going on, I’ve lost myself. I can’t focus, I don’t sleep much, I don’t each much. I can’t seem to enjoy simple things. I haven’t danced in such a long time, and damn do I want to so bad.. I’ve had chances to go dancing but Deppy was totally against it, so we stayed home in bed instead. I haven’t cooked an actual mean in months, which is sad because I love cooking! I’ve been living off of bullshit and dreams for the last few months. With every ounce of myself that is left, I am desperately trying to hold on and regain control of my life. Anxy and Deppy sure have done a number on me.

Trying to explain it to people when they ask if I’m ok is hard, especially when these two nudge at me and make me answer “i don’t know” or “i’m fine”. Hence me shutting down and people turning away from me.If I ever do get a chane to explain these feelings, they get overlooked. If someone else comes a long and expresses these same feelings for themselves, they get the much needed love and support. Cool. Let me just step to the side while you hug this other person who is going through literally the exact same thing I just said. My bad! Anxy and Deppy are not only ruining me but they’re ruining my relationships with other people. More importantly, I’m ruining the relationship with myself. i haven’t cared for myself in such a long time, that I’ve forgotten how to love myself. Deppy and Anxy make me hate everything that I am and forget everything I stood for. It shames me to say that often times, I lie awake at night contemplating Deppy’s suggestion of ending it all, finally. The curious cat in me won’t let me, though-thankfully- fore I’d like to see where the years take me.

It is for that reason that I am training myself to be human again. I’m looking up the trending stuff so that I can understand what everyone is talking about. I’m setting alarms for myself so I can remember to do literally everything. I mean it-eat, sleep, nap, clean, work, etc. I have to try to re-train myself to read, and in a correct order. Not middle of the page first, then top two sentences, then the last four. I need to learn how to use technology, and how to follow the news-I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Then I have to find a way to boost my memory. God forbid a commercial breaks comes on, I can’t remember what I was just watching. So many things that need to be done in order for me to function like a normal person. Anxiety and depression really do suck so much. Its painful, its sad, and its scary. But through all of that, I have to keep on pushing myself. I can’t let myself get ....myself down.

Anxy and Deppy have a message - we’re sorry that this is so much for you to read. We’re sorry that were so weird and awkward. We’re sorry that you might find this to be boring. We promise this isn’t a selfish thing, we just don’t know how to express our thoughts properly. We want to love and be human again, and we’re trying, so please give us a chance. A chance is all we ask for. Some people don’t even get the idea of a chance. Thank you.

IF YOU SUFFER WITH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! REACH OUT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY. SPEAK YOUR MIND AS BEST YOU CAN. HELL, WRITE TO ME IF YOU WISH. WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT. I HAVE AMAZING ADVICE FOR OTHER PEOPLE, JUST NOT MYSELF. I CAN BE YOUR HYPE MAN! KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF. WE CAN DO IT AS A TEAM. BE WHOMEVER YOU WANT TO BE. LOVE THE THINGS YOU LOVE AND DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING. IT’S GOING TO BE OK. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU. <3

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