#i already know im going to hate it so. fun times
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Did you have to fly on the place with socal again? Was it awkward or were to able to switch seats?
no, we didn’t fly together at all, thankfully. the whole situation left such a shit taste in my mouth tbh and just goes to show how much i was treated like a trophy lee instead of a person.
he asked me if i wanted to go to AUNT with him back in November i think? can’t remember. i said id love to, but not to consider me a guarantee bc the odds of me being able to afford a flight, ticket and room were slim to none. he offered to share a room with me, but didn’t mention the flight or anything (which was completely fine! i did not want him to pay for my fight) and i said that would make it much easier.
then throughout December he started posting things and tagging me on here about how we’re going to be duo lers, offer gang tickles, etc. i was like oooo yikes - bc lots of moots were getting excited about hanging with me there and i was just like, aaaah i hope i can raise enough money! so, after 2-3 of these posts came in from him, i texted him and said look i hate to ask you this but you’ve p much told all of tumblr that im for SURE going to aunt with you and that we’re gonna be a gang tickle duo. if i can’t get the money together in time, are you ok with covering my flight until i can pay you back? and he agreed saying it was no problem whatsoever.
thennnn the fallout happened as shown in the texts from the night my dog got sick. i was so hurt by the whole “one day you’re asking me to borrow money and the next i’m unsafe and terrible” blah blah. i said ok hell no i’m never ever asking you for anything financially ever again, do not even worry about it, i do not need your help, i’ll get my own way there.
then we reconciled after a 2 hour phone call the next day where i just fell for all of the claims that his play partner was psychotic and that i interpreted his context incorrectly and that he didn’t mean any of it the way i took it, yatta yatta.
then everything was somewhat mellowed out. i started trying to actually plan the trip with him, asking him if he’s gotten the room yet, if he’s gotten his own plane ticket yet, etc. he never gave me a straight answer, left me on delivered a bunch, and then eventually just told me he lost his steam for aunt and wasn’t going anymore. so i said damn that sucks, hope you change your mind bc i’m sure it’ll be fun etc.
i think in his mind, if he didn’t go, i wouldn’t be able to go. so when i reached out and connected with my angel love baby girl mik and she offered me the pullout couch in her room, i was elated!!! this meant i would only have to buy the plane ticket and id be squared away!!!
well, guess what happened the moment he found that out?
suddenly there was a mad scramble for him to find a room “for us” since the hotel was already booked out. even tho i’m the one who already made alternative room plans, he asks ME to make a post in the discord and ask people to hmu if someone cancels so he can “get a room for us.” i start getting texts from him telling me i’m his “priority” and that we’re a “package deal,” all the while we haven’t even seen each other in like a month and we barely talk anymore. only hits me up to ask me how many sessions i have planned for aunt, and to ask me if he can use me as an excuse to reject potential lees bc he doesn’t know how to say no on his own. all of a sudden he wants to claim me and say “me and nyx aren’t planning anything til we get there.” like idk it just made me feel so sick and used. bc this energy was nowhere to be found when i was actually trying to plan our trip a month prior and he said he wasn’t even going anymore.
like, idk. all of it honestly made me feel like nothing more than a reputation enhancer once again; he wasn’t interested in showing up in my life for a real dynamic, but he wanted everyone to think we had a real dynamic. he wanted to be able to show up with “nyx from tumblr” at her first ever gathering and pretend we were bffs and ultra close play partners after all the shit he already put me through like it never happened. makes me kinda fucking sick.
so, you know the rest now - i end up talking to adi, i find out all the insane shit that was said about me to her AND the insane shit that was said about her to me being false. i keep my own flight and my separate plans to room with mik, and i tell him that i won’t be playing with him there, but i won’t make things weird for him, i’ll just keep my distance. i traveled alone, landed in Albany alone, made my way to a nail salon alone, and finally met up with my love my angel my baby mik. bing bang boom!
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I saw a pic of t swift on my feed and my immediate reaction was “I hope she releases another album so I can see koheletgirl respond to it”
akdklglaklgal oh god. if that woman disappoints me again istg
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blessed be (lorscher bienensegen) | telling the bees (wiþ ymbe)
"Bees" [remixed, abridged], Claudia Emerson // "Letter to Someone Living Fifty Years from Now" [remixed. abridged], Matthew Olzmann // "Letter to my Great, Great Grandchild" [remixed, abridged], J.P. Grasser | Len Redkole, Nina Weiss, Brian Babineau, Christian Peterson, Mitchell Leff, Dave Isaac, Megan DeRuchie
#liv in the replies#if i were insane there would be an appendix to this called telling the bees however i finished this at 3am yesterday its nearly midnight &#my cutoff is when my ahl asg stream cuts. GOD by now i should know when i save a poem like hmm. not applicable but god it'd be perfect#THAT'S A CURSE. DON'T PUT IT IN THE DOCUMENT. DON'T SAVE IT. FORGET YOU READ IT. IT'S A CURSE!! <- things i should've told myself when i#went to read bees was already like 👀 &then the first line was FUCKING CLAUDE!!!!! anyway. sorry also this is like. insanely long but ALSO#regarding mf claude. the first picture is a leftover from the claude edit i made years ago so that feels GREAT and BEAUTIFUL & also for me#as ever y'all will be getting a full breakdown. starting with what i regularly have a breakdown about every time i see it which is joelle's#james 1:12 tattoo which if u use the king james version (gay) is blessed is he who perseveres under trial because having stood the test he#will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him. which i always go blessed is he who perseveres // for those who#love him. and that's joel. ignoring him getting it then getting sent down on his birthday IGNORING IT. also we know the frosty/maple leafs#hahaha fuck the flyers lore right? good. that's morgan and his dad also bc i love a baby picture & it was perfect. also the dave isaac pic#next was in an article talking about morgan 'stung' by draft camp. shut UP. i have an alt for tells him with claude and ALSO hate the#elephant w/phil bc myesie u fuckin leaf-eater (giraffe) but i love the composition of that jake shot & had to use it (it was also almost#tells him) with thylacine jakey frog nolan also raff the extinct whale bc i needed him here. if my editing on incapable of joy is bad no on#tell me i did some SHENANIGANS to put morgan in there & color-pick/alter his jersey. new skill. i think euphoria is one of my favorite for#the sake of pride night but ALSO that polaroid kills me very time &they're so stoners contemplate the universe but ALSO i love transcendenc#so that whole three photo string i think is my favorite. and i was in looking at these like listen okay it's okay there are only so many#photos in the world. you can repeat from others you've seen before. except ALSO there's so many of these freaks together do you separate#and every time i was like there can't be more there was more. don't ask the number of back-ups for the sweetest blossom/pinch/ruffle sets#okay also the ready to be stung one was a surprise favorite fit for me because i love that line but wasn't sure how to convey it? so it's o#i think with how morgan's face is and the almost of it all. yes joel hardest trier is in there purely for me i do have an alt but. how coul#u doubt him. insert sasha's tweet abt how much joel loves philly but all his quotes have been abt being excited for morgan to have a fresh#start. AND NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES IN CALGARY AND YOU'RE STILL INSEPARABLE god i literally googled frost farabee calgary to find the last#blessed [because. heard but not seen you know of everyone traded but you went together. not seen. (which ties into the terrible appendix)]#and IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE ME TWO MINUTES TO FIND THAT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEANNN anyway. sorry again it's so long & also i will be vanishing a wee#& a half after posting [redacted] is kicking my ass & im doing [redacted fun things WAIT ACTUALLY U CAN KNOW ONE i'm seeing hippo campus]#morgan frost#joel farabee#philadelphia flyers#calgary flames
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I just had some violent flashbacks of the peepaw polls. Hit me like a truck
hey bestie did u mean to drag my ass down with you
#i still hold rottmnt near and dear to my heart but my god. that experience was certainly something man. truly a once in a lifetime event#that i do NOT care to repeat my god. i know im in a place of privilege bc i got so far in the tourney but like. some of the fan base was#NOT very friendly to some folks at all and i did not care for it. meaning that any of those people i do NOT fuck with at all it was NOT tha#deep. chill out. i hated what that subsection of the fandom turned into and i hated that i might have participated in it and therefore#enabling it whether intentional or not. i just wanted to have fun.#people were getting Way too comfortable being mean and getting too comfortable putting certain blogs on pedestals which inevitably turned#certain spaces into like. worshiping those poor people who just wanted to run a blog for funny turtles. and i wanted NOTHING of that#i already did my time doing that (being the one to put a blog on a pedestal) and i do not want another fucking repeat of that oh my god it#was so fucking exhausting and a kick to the face when i got left with nothing at the fall out bc im pretty sure i didnt do shit but thats#unrelated so do not ask me about it#MAN THAT WAS BEFORE MY GMA DIED THATS CRAZY#anyway i didnt mean to turn this into a semi vent essay fucking oops#suffice to say i was going through uhhhhhh A Lot before i found and got way too into whatever the fuck im into rn#chiangy answers#anyway. any turtle followers that still look at this blog#lol. that was part of why i silently bowed out of rottmnt so silently
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FOR YOUR OWN SANITY, do not look in the tags, dont do it. its not worth it. a demon possessed me or something, i dont know.
#alastor#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor the radio demon#WHY IS IT LIKE HTAT#every time i see his fuckass bob i break down cry-laughing#EVERY TIME#i legit cant stop myself from just falling to the floor because his haircut is just that bad#hes supposed to be like a super powerful demon#but he chose THAT haircut???#he put all his points in Vertical and tries to fake horizontalness with his coat and also by folding himself so he's as flat as a table#he knows he is horizontally challenged#he also put all his points in 2014 uber duber scary oc#but he skipped past the haircut one#like#do you not see yourself in a mirror? do you walk past reflective surfaces eyes closed?#maybe he doesnt allow photos or videos because he saw his haircut once and he legit had no idea it was that bad#he doesnt allow photos or videos because he doesnt wanna get embarrassed more than he already has with that stupid bob#its so bad like actually#he can apparently shapeshift (unsure tho) which means that haircut was a conscious desicion#he CHOSE the “kick me!” sticky note life and he better regret it soon#anyways rant aside#yeah alastor's pretty cool#he's very fun to draw (from the front and the front only)#its honestly so fortunate that most times hes facing the camera#which is funny considering his hate for modern technology#yet he very often is facing towards the camera with his bigass smile#ok i think im going off topic oops#hazbin hotel#hazbinhotel#hazbin alastor
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ohoho boy tomorrow is gonna be so bad but yanno what I’m gonna be a brave little guy and I’m gonna treat myself to back to back bath days so it’s all gonna be good in the end. Today was so bad today was fucking dreadful but there will be a way !!!!! I have to remember the small joys I have to stay strong
#I hate driving lessons. I’m sick of pretending that I don’t dread them every week. The guy who teaches me can tell and it pisses him off but#I HAVE to learn to drive I just have to and I WANT to be able to drive I just don’t wanna have to do it.#Plus idk what I’m gonna do bc it snowed today and if it’s still snowy out where I drive it’s gonna be cold asf and I’m gonna hate it !!!!#It’ll be fucking SCARY I’m already scared driving normally#And then I have psychology which isn’t even bad but I had a really bad consolidation task and ever since I haven’t been able to delete that#Connotation between the two in my brain.#I’m gonna create plans tho im gonna decide what im wearing for the next three days and a couple fun things that are going into my schedule#So I can look forward without worrying about offsetting the routine which is what ruined today (fuck snow)#I’m gonna try and read more and spend less money!!!!#Now I’m happy because I’ve got a bit of chill time tonight and then Friday’s horrors will fly pass effortlessly I’m sure and then before I#Know it it’ll be Saturday and the worries will be gone especially as now I know work bestie hasn’t like. Died (work bestie was like really#bad sick last week)
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I'm gonna be a little quiet on here until after I start playing Dragon Age. I don't want to be spoiled and the urge to click on posts that have DA tags blacklisted is mounting. And just like with Inquisition, I want to go in totally blind.
#[static]#I can't wait to see what my friends and mutuals think. it's always so much fun to watch folks play new games together#I've seen a few reviews. but I ultimately want to decide for myself#I've already seen people bickering about really inane stuff just to have something to be negative about#and while there are incredibly valid criticisms of EA among other things ... the stuff I'm seeing -#- is typical fandom stuff that I don't want to touch with a 10 foot pole#it's kind of funny how much people can rattle on about a game that isn't out just because they want something new to complain about#and people are 100% allowed to have their opinions and feelings on if they thought a game was good or not but the stuff im talking about is#- like being mad at folks getting invested in characters or talking about how bad they know it's going to be even though they havent played#i think i just hate when people talk with such conviction about how other people should enjoy things that it pisses me off real bad#i saw a take on my for you page about how it's wrong of people to be writing fics about things that havent happened yet#because what if they're wrong and then theyve wasted their time and are gonna be ruinously upset. instant block lol#i thankfully dont see any of this on my dash ... usually just in the dragon age tags or on the for you page which I rarely frequent#just let people enjoy something without getting wound up about it not being the right way. it's just drama for drama's sake#but also feel free to hate it and hate it loudly! so long as you understand it's also ok for others to have a different opinion#it's just the super-online 'everyone is wrong but me' takes that leave me reeling
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Thinks abt comic Siffrin. This could be a playground I think. If I felt like it. If I so chose.
#rat rambles#stars posting#I do also just enjoy the concept of other siffrins that existed before loop as well#either just the one extra or potentially even more if you wanna get funky with it#Im leaning more towards the one option but the many option is more funny#idk I just think it'd be a bit fucked up if there was another siffrin who made a desperate wish and just got completely whiped for it#bonus points if that sifs version of things was quite drastically different than loop and current sifs versions were#like a whole different party than the other two#thatd be fun#I do enjoy myself some timeline fuckery that leads to disturbing implications and several layers of tragedy#I already have three stories with that as a major element so it was only a matter of time before I look at isat through the same lense#the lace loop meetup would go crazy (theyd probably hate eachother)#speaking of lace I dont think Ive actually been like. posting abt her story huh.#well just know that Ive been working on that story a lot along with a billion other projects that have been keeping me busy#isat is actually the reason Ive been working on lace's story again since the two have a decently large amount in common#still very different stories like fundimentally but timeloop that takes place near the end of an rpg esc adventure is present in both#although the timeloop that lace is in is no longer the main focus of the entire story#well it hasnt been in a long time but Ive been actually fleshing out what the story is actually act more recently#and I keep going back to isat to get back into a creative mood anytime I feel like Im stagnating too much#which brings us back to the actual point of this post. yay.#anyways I need to go to bed even if Im half tempted to try to write smth with my current 3rd sif idea
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gahhhh. im sure it doesn't sound like it most of the time, but wow my degree is so cool and fun 🥰🥰
#yes it is painful sometimes and yes it is lots of hard work and frustration#but like....... isnt it so cool to find out why the world became the way it is#how people in the past were like us and also so totally different#through the right lens human history is both the ultimate tragedy of a self-obsessed power hungry cannibalistic species#and also the greatest funniest soap opera of all time#stories upon stories#i will be very honest with u i was kind of scared when i started that i had chosen the wrong degree#what if its not as fun at uni as it was at school - what if its actually way too difficult and i end up hating it#but ykw?? im so glad i chose this#(for those who may not know i am a history student)#idk man i just wish more people knew how cool and funny history is sometimes#plus the sorts of ways this degree encourages u to think are VERY useful (esp nowadays)#'always question everything' is the motto and wow it is very enlightening to live like this#where has this info come from - can i trust them? why are they telling me this? what do they want? is it even true? how do they know this?#does this info fit with what i already know? why? what do other people say abt this? does this imply something about the wider context here#look me in the eye and tell me thats not the most important ingredient for being online nowadays#(except for block and move on. that one is supreme we all know that)#if u are not so into history i would encourage u to have a little look at some of the cool stories that are there i think u will like them#one of the funny (and very gory) ones that i would recommend is the life and especially death of maximilian robespierre#he was alive during the french revolution in the late 1700s and the way he dies is fucking hilarious when u know whats going on#i have actually talked abt this a lot on discord bc i think its funny - much to the annoyance of everyone else in the server lol#another one from that time is napoleon's coup and the removal to saint-cloud#the power struggles of the GMD and CCP in china in the early-mid 20th century are also v interesting if u like that sort of thing#this has all come about bc i was reading an account today of the marriage of alfonso vi of leon and castile and princess zaida of seville#and wow i have a lot of thoughts about it#theres no way to tell if they were really in love or not and if so how much#but idk something about it is very sweet and very sad to me#she the daughter in law of the muslim king of seville and supposedly falls in love with the christian king alfonso - she converts#to christianity so she can marry him but they are only together for a short time - she dies a few years later in 1093 giving birth to their#son sancho alfonsez (who is killed in 1108 at age 15) and she's buried at alfonso's favourite church (technically an abbey but ykwim)
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#i have my first driving test thing next week and im not prepared at all and im freaking out 👍#my mom says she'll try to postpone but idk if they'll let her because that fucks up their whole schedule#i really dont wanna cry/panic in front of rhe driving instructor that would be really embarrassing i cant handle that#ive only been driving twice i cried both times so this will be super fun#and for some fucking reason they make you go on an INTERSECTION. ON THE FIRST DRIVE??#because they expect you to already know how to drive before you've been in driving school which makes no sense and i hate it#so yeah. wish me luck.
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This might be a wild notion to consider, but maybe calling animation that clearly has had a TON of effort and care put into it "trash" is not something we should encourage and maybe you should just shut up and not watch the thing if you hate that particular style so much.
#if anyone comes into my dms about this i will fucking block you#i am just so done with ppl rn#y'all can't be fucking normal about media for five fucking seconds can you#'i don't like this style therefore it's trash' JUST DON'T FUCKING WATCH IT#if you hate it so much don't fucking watch it#don't fucking trash other people's hard work just because you don't like the style#do you even know how hard it is to animate#especially for hand-drawn animation?#it's REALLY FUCKING HARD#i can barely animate a fucking walk cycle#and the end result of my work is pretty so-so#and i've literally just done little animations like that for fun#so for y'all to go shitting on the work of someone whose made it their career#who has put all this time and effort in studying and practicing#just fuck you#fuck you#i am done with ppl today#i am done with the stupidity#i don't have any more energy for this#i've already had to unfollow people on another blog of mine bc of this shit#if this keeps up im straight up not logging on tumblr for the next few weeks
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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Thinks oh so hard abt raccoon au printing pod doomed yuri.... What if you were a robot in love with your fellow robot but your past human selves had to fuck it all up and murder eachother 🙄
#rat rambles#oni posting#for context in the raccoon au both olivia and jackie get printing podded dw abt the logistics too much imagine joshua was involved or smth#but basically olivia semi unintentionally ai-ed the two of them after severely wounding jackie#it was the climax of years of brewing resentment and rage so she was acting quite irresponsibly#the two as pods both awken around the same time on different planetoids#you see the reason Im so committed to this idea is not just because of fun character stuff but also because of hypothetical gameplay stuff#the idea of starting on two planetoids that your dupes cant physically travel between but still having to manage both colonies through#teamwork between both colonies has always been an idea Ive been a big fan of#plus I get to imagine the two talking to eachother not knowing that they're like so mega divorced and also they both kind of sucked in life#and by kind of I mean one did an attempted murder and the other was jackie lol#it also gives me the fun space to play in to compare how I imagine ai jackie would be like compared to ai olivia#I imagine her being a lot more eager to build her colony at first until she starts finding gravitas stuff and starts throwing hissy fits#and by that I mean she gets genuinely rly upset and tried to go into denial before eventually cracking under the weight of her own memories#shed try to disctract herself with progress but since the dupes are deliberately designed to avoid progress shed get frustrated fast#now the duped Can invent new things and grow but jackie wouldn't know that and she'd assume they literally can't#she doesnt view her dupes very kindly and without the carrot of progress she'd start spiraling fast I think#this mixed with raccoon au stuff makes for a very messy combination since not only is there the this was all for nothing feeling but also#the this in question involved actively backstabbing the person she loved most and watching as she grew to hate her so much that she#attempted an actual murder against her and somewhat succeeded#and also said person is still around and is berating you for breaking down because she's better at repressing her memories than you#raccoon au jackie is rly the only one I think itd be particularly interesting to keep around post world ending because she already had some#very repressed guilt before the end so the idea of peeling off the film on that amd letting her pop is fun to me#I also like the idea because it forces olivia into a position where shes left for the rest of time with a woman she hated#and not knowing what to do with that as she finds herself feeling less and less towards the woman she one loved and hated#for raccoon au jackie removing her from the life she had before makes it all crash down on her that much harder#and for raccoon au olivia removing her from it makes it all feel oh so small in retrospect#this ofc differs massively from how Id characterize canon olivia and jackie as canon jackie would likely make for a much more boring pod#and rabbit au jackie can't be there because then shed just reassure olivia that shes done nothing wrong ever and theyd go back to their#doomed codependent toxic yuri ways for the rest of time
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need to vent in the tags a little :(
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#so there was a highschool reunion this week where i could've met my old class mates and teachers#originally i had planned to go and had already confirmed i would#it takes several hours to drive there. then on the day there was a big traffic jam which would've increased the travel time even more#blocked roads due to insane car and truck accidents you know the likes#anyway so i decided to not go. bc of the long drive#but now i horribly regret my decision and i feel so sad and angry. like i haven't seen these ppl for years and i was indeed#curious to see how they're all doing. however out of my 5 best highschool friends only 2 were there anyway#and im not in contact w them anymore anyway so we're basically all strangers. still i feel maybe it would've been worth it#it's not like i owe it to them to come see them after years but it is tradition still. maybe it would've been nice#i mean i know it would've been nice and i sure would've had some fun#but it seemed like a waste of time. half a day wasted to meet w ppl i don't know anymore and don't rly care abt that much#ugh but now looking back it would've been a pinprick in the fabric of my life right. what is half a day compared to the years#the years we've spent together and the years we've been apart#god i feel so bad now. but i can't turn back time and make it undone. what do i do w the guilt regret sadness anger now#let them pass? push them away? im sure there will be another highschool reunion. maybe in 5 years. maybe in 10#by then ill also be on T and have had top surgery. it would be nice to introduce myself to them as who i actually am#still. some of the ppl might be dead by then. the teachers i mean. then again. i wasn't the only one who didn't come#i also wasn't the only one who canceled on the very day. and i know plenty of ppl who hate to go to reunions#bc they weren't friends w anyone or don't care abt the ppl or are just not interested in a social gathering like that#however i was interested and i uses to be friends w ppl. mh. i def made the wrong decision ☹️#still. can't undo it. gotta work through it
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