#i almost posted a kiss scene which I had already written for a later point in the perfect storm but it was very spicy and very spoilery

[umbracirrus]

Friday kiss tag game

I think I'll retcon this to Saturday smooches because I'm posting this on a Saturday though hehe

Rules: post a smooch between your OCs for Friday. It can be as light as a peck or as intense as a makeout. It can be romantic or platonic or familial. As long as a smooch takes place it’s free reign!

Thank you for the tag @throughtrialbyfire! Not going to tag anyone to do this at this point, though if anyone wishes to say that I have feel free!

I've been looking for an excuse to do some more writing for a little oneshot I'm working on where Elyse and Balgruuf slip out to the Bannered Mare one night, and this kind of managed to work it's way into the plot of that! So there will likely be an expanded version of this at some point soon.

The time period has been left ambiguous, so it could be at a point before they end up together or after hehe :3

“You paid for our drinks, the least that I can do is pay for something to eat,” Elyse hummed as she rose from her seat, the wood creaking on the floor as she gave him a quick smile and reached for her coinpurse. “Just give me one minute.”

Balgruuf was about to tell her that it wasn’t necessary in the slightest, that the entire reason that he had invited her out was to thank her for all that she had done and give them both some time to wind down away from Dragonsreach, but it seemed that her mind was set. She did, admittedly, look much happier and cheerful than she had been in a long time as she leaned over the bar and started chatting to Hulda, a sparkle in her eyes that he hadn’t seen since the day that he had learned of her defeating Alduin that had long since been dulled by the ongoing war.

He knew that they had both been facing difficulties from all fronts because of all that was currently going on, but he had been embroiled in politics and Skyrim’s turmoil since he was a lad– she was just one person, thrust into the spotlight of a land she had only heard of second-hand through her parents, having to learn how things worked through being thrown in at the deep end a few years ago. He… almost felt pity for her. The only reason that he didn’t was because she was working and had worked so hard to overcome the barriers before her, and continued to do so. He was proud of her, not sad for her. And he was glad that he could see her and trust her as one of his closest and dearest friends and confidants.

The sound of her voice getting louder in the distance caught his attention and drew his mind from his thoughts, just to catch sight of her now talking to Saadia and Carlotta as she waited for Hulda, who both seemed to look amused at her reaction to something. The corner of his lips turned up at the sight, watching as she batted at Carlotta’s arm with a pout across her face.

A plate which looked as though it bore some sort of dessert was then placed in front of her, and Elyse looked all too happy to quickly pick it up and return to the table in order to get away from them. When she sat down, it was with a loud, exaggerated sigh as she placed the plate down. Now that she had returned, it was clear that she had ordered a crostata, though it didn’t look like the usual ones he would often see served – the fruit filling looked to be a lot more… vibrant than he was used to seeing. “There wasn’t much available, I’m afraid. You don’t mind sharing some of this with me, do you?”

“Not at all, though as you were the one who paid for it, you have your portion first,” he nodded, now folding his arms over and nodding towards the two other women who had now gone off to whatever it was they had been previously doing. “Though dare I ask what was happening there?”

Rolling her eyes as she picked up a knife to cut herself a portion, she shook her head. “They were just teasing me, that’s all. I don’t come here at night as often as I used to, not since I moved to Dragonsreach,” she explained, sounding as though she was omitting some little details.

As she ate a forkful of her dessert, she suddenly froze up beside him, her eyes growing wide in surprise. He worried for a moment that the crostata had been poisoned, especially given how unusual it looked, but felt relief when she went back for more with an elated expression on her face.

After a few moments though, she hummed and got another forkful as she turned to face him. “Here, try some,” she eagerly smiled, holding out the utensil for him, though not actually allowing him to take hold of it… she wanted to feed it to him herself. He would indulge her if it kept her as happy as she had been so far that night. “Tell me what you think of it after.”

And… he could certainly understand why she liked the taste. The fruit was sweet, hardly tart, and paired well with the buttery pastry. It was, however, a taste which he could not pinpoint, it was something unfamiliar. “It is delicious, Elyse, but what is it? I don’t believe that I have tried any fruit which tastes quite like this before, though does somewhat remind me of snowberries…”

“Strawberries, Balgruuf! Don’t tell me that you have never had a strawberry before?” Her mouth was agape with surprise, before a quiet chuckle escaped from her. “Then again, I rarely see strawberries in Skyrim, so perhaps I shouldn’t be so surprised… I don’t think that the climate is right for them to grow. They are everywhere in Cyrodiil, and they are by far one of my favourite things to eat. So much so, my father and I planted a bush of them in our garden in Chorrol to grow them, and it was so exciting whenever the first berry would ripen each year.” A fondness crept into her expression as she placed the fork down. “It’s been years since I’ve tasted one… I almost felt obliged to buy the crostata from the second that Hulda mentioned what it was and that it was all she had left. I don't even know how or when she even managed to get hold of some!”

After a few more moments of what he could only presume was her silently reminiscing, she went back to eating her potion of the dessert. At the point that she had eaten half, she placed her fork down and nudged the plate towards him. He quickly caught sight of the fact that there was the slightest bit of berry juice which had spilled from her mouth, and he went to let her know.

“Elyse, you have got a little something-” he whispered, reaching out for her face and taking hold of her cheek with the intention of wiping it away with his thumb. It took him a few moments to actually carry out that action though, as he very quickly got distracted at the way in which she was watching him so closely, and that her lips had parted just slightly through surprise at that simple little gesture. It was a lot more intimate a moment than he had intended, and he had to clear his throat before he continued. “-on your- your face…”

It suddenly felt very warm.

“Is it gone, or is there any more? On my lips, perhaps?” There was a slight teasing tone to her voice as she caught him staring, and he was certain that she had moved closer to him as she asked her question. There was hardly any distance between their seats at that point.

Two could play at that game though.

“Hm… It looks as though there could be. Allow me to help with clearing it off…” He leaned in, and gently pressed their lips together. The taste of the crostata lingered across her skin, the strawberry sweetness mingling with the honeyed mead they had drank earlier. One of her hands reached out for his own, the one which was presently unoccupied and resting upon the table, her skin radiating with warmth.

After a few moments, their lips parted, though their noses were still touching with how close they were to one another. Elyse almost sounded breathless.

It was… The kiss had been everything, in spite of its brevity. Something that he would not mind indulging in more often… if she were of a like mind too.

The sound of a throat being cleared beside the table made them both freeze before quickly parting from one another, and Elyse’s face had very quickly turned redder than the filling of their dessert. Staring down at them both, with irritation across her features, arms folded, and foot tapping on the floor, was Irileth.

“And what, exactly, do the two of you think that you are doing here?”

[wen-kexing-apologist]

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX!!!!!!

HELLO AND WELCOME TO

ANALYSIS ESSAY NUMBER 69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. Yes I have, in fact, written 69 ridiculously long pieces (and some surprisingly short) pieces on my silly little gay shows. This is, obviously, not the first time that I have done a scene breakdown, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve done a sex scene breakdown, BUT I have been itching to write about this one since I watched I Feel You Linger in the Air Episode 8. There was no way in hell I was going to let essay #69 go unrelated to sex, so I had to wait until another essay (thank you Hypocrisy) could be written and posted. 

In a feat of truly perfect timing, @waitmyturtles sent me an ask about what other physicality (besides hands) I look at to try to understand a character’s psyche, I gave her my wayyyy to long explanation of what it is I look for, and not even 24 hours later the most perfect example of expertly executed physicality graced my screen with the opening scene of I Feel You Linger in the Air. So, I am dedicating this post to Turtles...

and I'm writing a sex scene break down!

We open with Yai and Jom rushing in to the scene, Jom being pulled by Yai. Which, I mean any forearm, wrist, or hand holding that Yai and Jom are doing is not technically visible to us (it’s happening just off screen) but we know Jom is being pulled at first because of how Bright and Nonkul are moving, Yai enters the room first and Jom is practically tripping to catch up with his motion, but beyond that we know Jom’s being dragged by Yai because of the way Bright and Nonkul’s upper arms are pressed together. We’re off to a great start in Bright and Nonkul’s performance already because of how glued Yai and Jom seem to be. With just the way they are holding their bodies the tension is already palpable, but the magnetism between the two of them is heightened by the fact that the actors are ensuring Yai and Jom don’t break eye contact. Because of this, even though as the motion continues, and they turn to face each other having now placed physical distance between them, you can tell they are still drawn in. You aren’t losing any ounce of desire when they are parted. 

The way Bright stands, the way Bright has set his face, angled his head, etc. makes Yai seem like he is looking at Jom as if hypnotized, transfixed, enamored. Both of them are just staring at each other, and Jom’s hand slowly slides up Yai’s arm and Yai takes that movement as a sign to come in close, and while Yai was initially shy about (presumably) getting aroused during the olive oil scene in Episode 7, he is horny and ready to fuck now at the beginning of Episode 8 and so he just fucking goes for it. 

You know when Yai is about to lean in for the kiss, because in a fraction of a second he breaks eye contact with Jom to look down towards his lips. But before Yai performs any additional progression towards kissing, Bright plays out the brief moment where Yai is gathering his courage. How do I know Yai is taking a second to psyche himself up? Because Yai pauses, he closes his mouth a little tighter, looks down at Jom’s lips, and he swallows hard. That’s him psyching himself up to just dive right in and go for the kiss. And he doesn’t have to hesitate long, and he doesn’t have to be chaste with this kiss cause Jom and Yai got over the initial tension point when they made out at the end of Episode 7. Without saying a word, we know Jom is In To This Kiss, because he immediately fixes his lips around Yai’s upper lip. Jom meanwhile is standing almost ramrod stiff and straight like he usually does

@shortpplfedup says when she’s looking at kisses, she’s looking for sticky kisses. My own interpretation of sticky kisses includes moments like in The Eclipse where there is a little line of spit that keeps the kiss lingering for just a second more. In this case, what I would personally consider a sticky kiss is a result of Yai pulling at Jom’s lower lip when Jom pulls his head back slightly for some air and to change the angle of his head. There is no space between them, in fact Yai so thoroughly wants to fuck Jom, that Jom is almost tipping over with how much Yai is trying to press them together. Yai’s hand is roaming, moving up and down Jom’s arm, while Jom is standing there, his hands are still, one wrapped around Yai’s arm, one resting at his neck. Jom is meeting all of Yai’s energy and excitement by standing firm. Because if he did not, it’s possible he’d topple over.

And as characters this makes sense. Jom has been in at least one relationship before, there is no way he hasn’t been sexually active in the past. Jom is the more experienced one in this relationship, and so he is going to have to be the support Yai leans on for his first sexual encounter, even if we don’t see that far in to their evening. 

gif by @alejunsu

And this works for Yai and Jom’s characterization as well. Jom was the one with more hesitations around beginning a relationship with Yai. Jom is much more tuned in to the potential consequences of being queer in this time period. And it’s not that Yai isn’t, it’s just that he’s much more caught up in his own little world, and his feelings for Jom that he isn’t as rigid about how he engages in intimacy. 

This kiss is tight, and solid, and you can hear the breathiness between them when they start the kiss. It’s believably impactful to them, as in the combination of eye contact, touch, posture, and even breath here makes me believe they are attracted to each other, and really fucking horny. And I swear I can almost feel Yai and Jom’s heart rates increase with how well Bright and Nonkul are selling this performance.

Yai is ready to fuck like, yesterday, but Jom doesn’t want him completely rushing in to the sex, and I can tell this because Jom pulls back, breaks off the kiss, and starts talking to Yai about the rain, about the party, these little reminders that they have places to be, and people to see, and they can’t afford to get caught. Bright’s face here, in the moments right after Jom pulls away are so intense. The way he furrows his brow ever so slightly. The way his eyes are see in to Jom, the parting of his lips. Bright is, to me, selling extremely well the fact that despite the fact they have once again separated, Yai is still in that kiss. And there is this beautiful little moment from Nonkul too where he breathes out like his mouth is on fire or he’s trying to catch his breath. Nonkul has Jom pat Yai’s arm once, because he’s trying to lighten the mood a little bit, to put more emotional space between them. Jom is the one stopping the kiss, Nonkul is the one that has to sell the idea that Jom is both slowing down the encounter, and also still worrying about being caught. 

And you know where Yai’s response is going to go “Forget it, Jom. Now there’s only two of us in the house“ because of the intensity by which Yai looks at Jom. He’s transfixed, and during this conversation with Jom, Yai’s eyes constantly slip downwards towards Jom’s lips, like…practically every second. Yai goes in to continue that kiss, with an intensity that I do not think he’s ready for when it comes to actually having sex for the first time. In part because this kid does not know what he is doing, and Jom does. And Jom hasn’t had sex for quite some time because he was in a monogamous relationship with a partner who was overseas. So he puts his hand up to Yai’s face, and presses in gently, making a little hmm sound as he does it. 

gif by @charlidos

Again, Nonkul keeps Jom stiff, his fingers are all straight, there is not even a whisper of a relaxed curve to them. Which tracks for Jom, because everything we have ever seen in the way Jom exists, in the way Jom moves, is very rigid. And it stops Yai immediately. Jom is looking straight at Yai, and Yai is looking straight at Jom’s lips. But this entire action feels familiar and comfortable because they have developed a trust in one another, and because Yai cares enough about Jom to stop and listen at the slightest indication. Yai pulls back and that’s where Nonkul helps assert that Jom is in fact on the same page, is interested and enthusiastic about having sex with Yai, and he’s just trying to shift the energy and speed of their encounter, because the second Yai stops, and Jom is about to offer up a suggestion, Nonkul turns Jom’s gaze directly to Yai’s lips and he lets them linger there for far too long, his fingers too continue to rest gently on Yai’s lips long after they are needed.

Jom doesn’t look Yai in the eyes again until he says “You’re soaking wet, Khun Yai. Why don’t you let me undress you, so you don’t catch cold?” Jom leans in closer when he says this, he whispers in a way that is intended to seduce Yai. And we see some more physical changes in the way Nonkul is carrying Jom. Jom’s eyes are alight and happy, there is this soft and extremely fond smile turning up the edges of his lips. And we see him relaxing slightly in to this moment because his fingers finally relax and curl up in their resting place on Yai’s shoulder. 

Nonkul has Jom slightly shifting his head so Jom is looking up at Yai more through the top of his eyelashes to be more alluring. He has this soft, fond smile on his face. And it is in the motions and movements like this one where I see what Nonkul was saying about this being the most femme he has ever had to perform (even though, I think we can all agree Jom isn’t really femme). Bright has Yai pick up that small smile too, and he shows that Yai is indeed very interested in Jom helping remove his clothes, because Bright ensures that Yai cannot stop looking at Jom’s lips. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

You should watch this clip

And just like that Jom has changed the pace of the evening. With a little whisper, and with some very slow, intentional movements in the way he takes off Yai’s tux jacket. And because Yai and Jom have had so much physical space between them for the past thirty seconds, it is time to re-establish Yai and Jom’s needs for physical closeness. Bright and Nonkul establish a sense of familiarity and comfortability in how Yai and Jom interact with each other’s bodies. Nonkul does so in the way he has Jom pull Yai close to him to take off his bowtie. It is almost as if they are hugging one another, and in part they are, or at least they are providing each other a little space to rest. 

And we know their arousal, their desire to fuck isn’t stalled or stunted by any interruption. Jom pumps the brakes a bit, but their desire, their attraction, is palpable. And that vibe is assisted by Bright having Yai lean in deeper, by having Yai turn his head and move slowly toward Jom’s neck as if drawn by string or magnet while Jom is fiddling with his bowtie. And within the span of a few seconds, Yai goes from drinking in Jom’s scent to pressing a soft kiss or two to his neck. And Jom’s enjoyment of that action is shown in the way Nonkul has Jom close his eyes briefly in pleasure, and his head jerks a bit to the side as if allowing Yai better access to his neck while he’s fiddling with the clasp of Yai’s bowtie. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The seduction continues as Nonkul and Bright ensure their characters do not break eye contact one the bowtie comes off. I don’t even really know how they are doing it, but there is such a clear internal monologue of impure thoughts cycling through both their heads as Jom starts unbuttoning the collar of Yai’s shirt, while Jom’s still staring, eyes shining brightly, directly at Yai. And Bright plays Yai’s impatience very well, because he lets Yai still wait calmly, while also showing Yai cannot bare to be this far apart (like…two inches) from Jom, so he rests a hand on Jom’s neck creating a moment of skin to skin contact, but he has to take Jom in so he only lets his hand stay for a second, before he’s moving it in lines around Jom’s body.

Here again, is why I pay so much attention to their hands. Because Yai has been the far more relaxed character, and so when he puts his hand on Jom’s neck, his fingers curve, when he traces lines down Jom’s torso, his hand is curled almost into a fist. And there is just this beautiful moment of observation to me, where Jom begins to remove Yai’s pants, and is focused on the task, and Yai is just watching Jom, watching him focus. It is only when the pants have been unbuttoned that Yai joins Jom in looking downwards. 

These characters cannot help but be drawn to each other, the tension between them is building and builidng and Bright and Nonkul show that by having Yai and Jom get, with Jom’s eyes closed, so close to one another they could have stolen a kiss. So close in fact that their torsos are touching, they are pressed up against each other while Jom works pulling Yai’s pants down. And even if they don’t bring their faces together, they don’t steal those kisses, they don’t break the tension, they are certainly breathing each other’s air. 

“Let me do the same for you,” Yai says and God these two are so good at making their need for each other palpable. As Yai begins to unbutton Jom’s shirt both Yai and Jom’s eyes are moving rapidly, up, down, up, down, lower, lowerrr, back together, glued to the other’s face. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Jom gives the shyest smile at having Yai care for him, concerned about Jom catching a fever, and being oh so careful with removing his shirt. And here we see Nonkul allow Jom to relinquish some control and let go of some tension in the evening, because Jom drops his hand from Yai’s chest and let’s Yai unbutton and pull off his shirt. A moment for Yai to stand on his own, rather than to have support from Jom like he has had during their kiss and during their foreplay as it were. Yai moves for Jom’s pants, removes them, and they are soaking each other in, reveling in the feeling of one another. But we can’t have Jom wait too long for physical contact, because we want these characters to touch each other, because these characters want to touch each other. So we get a beautiful moment of Jom’s hands coming to wrap around Yai’s wrist, once again relaxed, and we see the band Yai tied around Jom’s wrist in Episode 2, a tangible, visible, item that reminds us all of their connection. 

I think we joke a lot about “exploring each other’s bodies” as a line. But that is objectively what they are doing here, in this gorgeous gorgeous moment of hands, of fingers sliding all over each other. They are gentle, light, and I can easily get the sense through the screen that their skin is on fire wherever they’re bodies have met. And Bright adds a piece of characterization to Yai, by having Yai hold Jom’s hand the same way that he did when he was drunkenly reciting poetry with the biggest heart eyes the world has ever seen. And he is doing the thing that, in my opinion, makes or breaks the believability of attraction, care, or romance between characters, which is that Bright has Yai move his thumb, drawing these tight little lines on the top of Jom’s hand while they are holding hands. It is truly not much of an understatement at all to say that if two characters are holding hands, I will be looking to see what their hands are doing. Are they staying stationary, or are there these little absentminded movements that sell the idea that these characters are thinking about each other, and enjoying the feeling of one another, rather than just performing the action of holding hands. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

In case we ever wanted to underestimate the importance of microexpressions and micromovements, we can’t, those are the things that really make or break a performance. (And for those who may have difficulty reading facial expressions, I get you, trust me, I’ve said it before but it can be really really hard for me to read microexpressions in actors, which is why I will often rewatch scenes, or watch other shows the actors or in, or like I did for this write up I slowed that shit down to half speed so I could watch for every movement, and rewound in 5 second intervals like 20 times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.)

But they look like they are studying, committing to memory, Yai especially. Because while Nonkul has Jom spend most of this moment staring at one spot on Yai’s chest, Bright has Yai’s eyes follow the movement of his hands.Yai leans in and Nonkul has Jom swallow hard, and lean in slightly for a kiss. Bright has Yai keep moving, his lips locking on Jom’s shoulder, and moving up his neck, because the tension has almost reached its breaking point, and they both know what will happen the second their lips meet. So they delay, they let the tension build. They pull each other close, they hold each other tightly, you can see it in the way they move, the way their muscles tense. And as they face each other, with their desire finally starting to boil over, Yai works his way back to Jom’s lips slowly, he’s caught on to the pace Jom set. There is a light, soft, and quick kiss to Jom’s cheek, and then a second attempt by Yai to kiss Jom’s cheek or nose, that Nonkul interrupts by having Jom now be the impatient one, turning his head so Yai’s kiss slides to meet Jom’s upper lip. 

And then the tension finally breaks, the desire overwhelms them, and they are forceful with their kisses, and pulling each other close. Nonkul is showing how in to this Jom is in the way he lets Jom melt in to this kiss. How he has Jom pull himself so fully in to Yai’s arms, so they are chest to chest without any room between them. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

And Jom is kind of a tense and awkward person in general, so it makes so much sense to me, as a character that Jom’s fingers would at this point stay stiff and straight, because we are still progressing in to a part of the evening Yai may need more support in. Jom is certainly far more relaxed as a person when he’s with Yai, but I don’t think he would be fully able to relax in to the sex. Hell, he can’t even relax in bed afterwards because he sees himself in the mirror. But just in the way Jom holds himself, in the way Jom smiles, in the way he pulls Yai in, we know that being around Yai is changing him. That he is generally more relaxed when they share space, that he is happier when Yai is near, and we know that Jom is very ready to fuck, he’s just also more aware of the potential consequences of getting caught. 

Yai leads them to bed, and if we hold Jom and Jom’s posture as acting almost as a support for Yai, then it is very critical and important in my eyes, that Yai uses the bedpost to steady himself as he lays Jom out on the bed. Yai is learning how to support himself. Jom lays underneath him, and as far as we know he’s keeping his hands firmly on the back of Yai’s neck. Grasping on to him like he doesn’t want to let go, while Yai traces random lines across Jom’s arms, torso, and neck. And when they pull away, we know that Jom is very in to everything that is going on, and that he’s starting to lose himself a bit in the feeling of this, because Nonkul has Jom wait a few seconds to open his eyes and look up at Yai after they break apart. Meanwhile, Bright maintains Yai’s absolute obsession with Jom, by having Yai staring directly at Jom while Jom’s eyes are still closed. Study him, observing his reactions, ensuring that Jom is feeling pleasure. And the sexual tension isn’t ruined by yet another physical separation, even as they are not actively kissing in that moment, their progression towards sex does not feel like it is coming to an end. And that has to do with the fact that Jom is still running his hand along Yai’s neck, lacing his fingers through Yai’s hair, with his fingers relaxed.  

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

When they confess their love for one another, Nonkul has Jom swallow hard, hearing Yai tell him he loves him, fighting back a small smile. And Bright really commits to showing the intimacy that has developed between Jom and Yai in the way he has Yai press kisses to the inside of Jom’s palm, to his knuckles, up his arm, and back to his neck. And like I said above, Nonkul sells the effect of that electricity between Yai and Jom in these little micromovements, in the way Jom’s finger dig slightly in to Yai’s cheek, and the way his thumb twitches when Yai presses a kiss to his knuckles, and the way his fingers flex (a la Pride and Prejudice [2005] if you ask me). And he does the same as Yai kisses up his arm and to his neck, in the way Nonkul has Jom close his eyes, and press his lips together, and tilt his head slightly upwards.

And that’s it, that’s the entire nearly five minute scene. I promise I am trying to get better about my essay lengths, but I think the level of work that goes in to these moments are deserving of being discussed in detail. Nonkul in an interview said he views acting like a sport, and I think he’s fucking right. The level of knowledge and control you have over your body to sell scenes like this one, to make people believe in the romance, is super fucking hard. 

gif by @pharawee (using this gif as an example of a bunch of small movements Bright and Nonkul do that sell Yai and Jom's love for one another) I for one believe Jom and Yai love each other, want each other, are drawn to one another, and that is 100% because of Nonkul and Bright’s performances. And they have a really fucking hard job in part because Tee Bundit is not really a romance guy. Yai and Jom’s love for one another is the emotional backbone of this show, but the story isn’t focused on the romance itself, it’s focused on Jom’s experiences as a servant, on the struggles of being queer, on the mystery of how to get home, of past Jom being haunted by his present and present Jom being haunted by his past. There are so many moving pieces in this story, but we have to feel for these characters when they are inevitably separated. The way Nonkul and Bright play this scene, has thoroughly convinced me of the care they have for one another

[try-set-me-on-fire]

What's the more depressed Buck fic have you posted snippets for it??

I haven’t, I’m not sure I’m ever going to fully write this one out because it might be dramatic to the point of trashiness hshsddhdh, but, yeah, what it says on the tin, Buck but with the depression sliders turned up, and flipping the ‘passively suicidal’ dial to occasionally active. Also he and Eddie are like even closer and more codependent and Buck sleeps in Eddie’s bed somewhat frequently and they kiss sometimes without even internally clocking that as something potentially romantic. Like they’ll be dating other people and still sleep next to each other and kiss sometimes and it doesn’t even occur to them that that might be not the best thing to do. They eventually get together actually at Hen and Karen’s wedding but even then don’t consider all the other sleeping together and kissing as part of that. It was just a thing they did, it’s fine.

I only have one half written scene for this, I’ll put it under a cut because it deals with self harm and past attempts, it takes place uhh I could never decide if it’s sometime in season two or after lawsuit arc (which I’m not sure would play out the same in this au, just like timeline wise). Sometime fairly early in their time together anyway.

Buck has a beer in his hand when Eddie notices, a detail that sticks in his head later.

“Shit!” He says it loud enough that Buck jumps a little, bottle almost sliding through his fingers. “Buck, is that- did you get hurt?”

“Huh?” He doesn’t think he did, they hadn’t been on any particularly strenuous or dangerous calls in the last shift, and it’s been a whole day since then so he thinks he would have felt it by now.

“You’re bleeding, man,” Eddie says with a worried frown, gesturing down at his leg.

Buck looks and he doesn’t realize what he’s going to find, what it means, until he sees red soaking through the right inner thigh of his sweatpants, and things would have gone easier, probably, Eddie would have to know if he’d said something like shit, that’s weird, I’ll go check it out. Except he doesn’t say that, he panics; he slaps a hand over the fuzzy line and snaps up to look at Eddie like he’s done something wrong. Eddie’s not an idiot. Buck sees the moment he puts two and two together, how wide his eyes get.

“I-“ Buck chokes, any and all excuses shriveling up before he can find them, so he says “I’ll just-“ and flees to the bathroom.

His leg is a bit of a mess. The fabric of the sweat pants peels away from his skin a little painfully with how much blood there is. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to cut this deep, it had just been awhile since he’d given in to the impulse and he tends to over do it after time spent holding back. He breaths steadily through his nose as he looks around the bathroom, hesitating over towels he doesn’t want to ruin.

There’s a knock. “Buck?” Eddie sounds kind of small and scared, and it makes Buck’s guts twist uncomfortably. Fuck. “Buck, I- Can I come in? I have the first aid kit, I just- I want to make sure you’re okay.”

[tender wound care, a little bit of talking about Buck’s self harm, Eddie very worried and mad as an extension of that worry and trying to hold all that in and Buck fucking guilty about making Eddie feel like this but just a little bit relieved that someone knows]

As Buck reaches for the ice pack the back of his hand drags across the outside of Eddie’s wrist, and though he’s seen the scar there a thousand times it’s the first time he’s felt the puckered skin. He can’t help the way his hand twists, fingers circling, holding, feeling. Eddie blinks at him, looks down at where they’re connected.

“It’s a bullet wound,” he says, voice sticking a little, rasping out of his mouth.

“I know,” Buck says quickly.

“Buck.” Eddie’s eyes dart back and forth between Buck’s own. “Buck, have you…”

He’s not sure if he should be truthful, he showed too much of the ugly underside of himself tonight already, but the moment's hesitation is long enough for Eddie to drag in a ragged inhale. Buck closes his eyes, drops his chin to his chest. “Twice.” It’s quiet enough in the bathroom that Buck thinks Eddie might be holding that inhale, trapping the air in his lungs. “Or… I don’t know, maybe three- I don’t know if the motorcycle counts.” He opens his eyes, laughing a little without much humor. “I guess if I don’t know if it counts, it probably counts, yeah?”

He is breathing, turns out. Buck can see Eddie’s chest move in and out, so he must be. His mouth is clamped shut and his eyes are frightened again and Buck feels a little sick because of it. “When?” It’s just a whisper, and then Eddie’s eyebrows come together. “I mean- you don’t have to- you don’t have to tell me, Buck, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t…”

Buck raises an eyebrow, because he’s sitting on the man’s toilet with his boxers shoved into his groin so Eddie can clean the mess of his thigh. It’s a little late to be shy. He sighs, scrubs a hand over his eyes, and then turns that arm to show off the scar running away from his elbow, a story he’s laughed about before. “I didn’t fall from the balcony. I jumped off the roof.” Eddie’s eyes stutter shut, but Buck can’t stop now. “I looked up- I looked up how high you have to be. What’s fatal. Thought I had a good chance, and- and mom and dad weren’t there, figured even if I didn’t- even if it wasn’t immediate, I’d be… dead by the time they got home. But a neighbor saw me do it.”

[He left a note on the counter that he thinks his parent might have just thrown away, they certainly never brought it up, and kind of brushed the whole thing under the rug. They never took him to any suggested follow up therapy or anything. When he was roaming the world in his early twenties he’d sometimes get antidepressants off friends but like those don’t really work if you just take one every once in awhile. When he got the job at the fire station he finally had insurance and could get an actual prescription but the first kind he tried really didn’t agree with him and he ended up taking a bunch a once but he called Hen as he started feeling sick so she and Bobby came and found him in time (this is when Chimney is out from the rebar and after the disastrous therapy session and things are up and down with Abby so even aside from the chemical imbalance things are rough) and he has to stay in the psychiatric ward for a few days and he worried he wouldn’t have a job after but Bobby and Hen are there to pick him up and they take him out to breakfast and they care about him, Bobby lets him sleep on his couch for awhile, and things have been,like, okay since, he’s doing all right, he promises Eddie it’s not going to go that far again, that Hen and Bobby keep an eye on him and he guesses Eddie will now too. Eddie hugs him very tight and promises he will. He sleeps in Eddie’s bed for the first time that night.]

[captnjacksparrow]

Hey. So when do you think Sasuke realised his true feelings for Naruto? I feel like he knew since part one itself, in some way at least. He was aware of something. When Sasuke tells Naruto his body moved on its own, I feel like there were seeds of realisation or at least a trigger point. In Shippuden, he always seems like he is fully aware of his depth of feelings for Naruto, he gets super emotional because of it. The fact that he is driven to ask Naruto again and again about his feelings, and is disappointed except for chapter 698 proves that he knew this feeling was somehow different, and he wanted understanding from Naruto, maybe to validate his own feelings, since he is equally inexperienced if not oblivious like Naruto.

He knows deep down that Naruto is special to him, he adores Naruto privately, he had since before the genin days. At the end of vote 1, I think he realises it fully, his true feelings for Naruto. What do you think?

Wonderful Ask, Anon!!! 😍😍😍. 

[[Lengthy Post ahead]]

WHEN DID SASUKE REALIZED HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR NARUTO?

I am damn sure, like 100%, the moment he realized his true feelings is when he thought he was going to die and recollected all the memories he shared with Naruto (including the Accidental Kiss and Roasting Sakura for insulting Naruto) for one Last Time in the Land of the Waves Arc.

You might be thinking now, "What makes you so sure?"

Well, Kishimoto just hammered into our faces in many plotlines.

How is this panel has to do anything with Sasuke?, You may ask.

The answer is here.

"You will realize what you are, as death comes to embrace you".

Itachi, no matter how cold he acted before Sasuke in that battle, he simply couldn't keep up his Evil Brother act at the final moment of his death.

He just smiled. That is who Itachi really was and always will be for Sasuke.

Again, you may ask, 'All this happens much later in the series, Kishi might've had a different mindset back when he was drawing part 1'.

You are right. But Kishi's mindset was the same all the time. He even established this 'True face before Death' theme very strongly in Land of the Waves arc itself.

This is who Zabuza really was. He didn't treat Haku like a Tool. Infact, his final words were, "I wanted to go the same place as you".

Kakashi made sure to convey this message to Haku in the War Arc, when he fought with the Edo Tensei'ed Haku and Zabuza.

And there are many characters who died in this series. Almost all of them projects their true feelings before their death. Just rewind the deaths of Nagato, Yahiko, Konan, Obito, Madara. You might've noticed that there won't be any lies. For Example, Obito. When he died for the first time, he was really thinking about Kakashi and Rin. He even said, ‘I wish I could’ve spent more time with them’. That’s who Obito really was. He was convinced with that Tsukuyomi plan because he wanted to live in a dream world where Rin and Kakashi will be with him happily. 

So, a person, at their final moment thinks only about all their memories shared with that 'precious' person signifies only one thing. That person must have unconditionally loved the one they thought about.

Sasuke realized that he loves Naruto at that moment and he had no regrets because he smiled before falling into Naruto's lap.

And I always wondered, 'Why did Sasuke thought only about Naruto? Didn't he have any other good memories other than the ones he shared with Naruto?'.

Well, this goes way back when he was just 8, right after the Massacre. Yes, the chapter 698 confession. But I am not going to attach all the panels here as I will go in-depth about it later in this post.

However, there are three panels that provides the general gist of what Sasuke felt about Naruto, the whole time.

Happiness:

Whenever Sasuke watches Naruto, he reminded him of his family and it made Sasuke 'felt relieved' or 'feel warm and fuzzy'. Simply put, Naruto's presence made him happy.

And did Sasuke ever felt relieved?

Yes, he did!!

This above scene happens sometime after the massacre and yet, somehow Naruto could make him smile even in that distressful situation.

And this is one recurring feeling which Sasuke experience whenever he comes in contact with Naruto. After the Massacre, somehow Naruto became his source of happiness or relief. This panel right after massacre, that smile before his ‘supposed’ death, on seeing the Great Naruto Bridge with a relaxed smile, VoTE2  smile.....  

Sasuke smiled at all these scenes and you know the reason why!!!

Weakness:

This is exactly opposite from how he felt earlier. And this conflicting thoughts are what Sasuke was battling in his mind throughout Part 1 and Part 2 until Chapter 697. He liked Naruto's presence. But, For him, the very thought of bonding with him made him feel weak. 

According to Sasuke, the stronger he bonds with someone the more he has to worry about losing them and the very thought of losing them will put him in a precarious position which is considered as a weakness. And Sasuke doesn’t want to experience this again. 

Meaning, Sasuke doesn’t want to feel the pain of loss over someone, ever again. He wants to be the person who don’t care about anyone.

Did Sasuke ever expose his weakness?

Yes he did!!! 

This is his absolute display of weakness and this is what he always wanted to avoid. The very thought of something is going to happen to Naruto made him do something that put him under immense pain. 

Yes, In his mind, he doesn’t want to care about anyone’s loss. But his body doesn’t seem to listen to him. And that’s why his body moved on it’s own.

God!!! This made me cry!!!!

Pain:

Now, this feeling Sasuke had towards Naruto was very evident in the War Arc. That one time he sensed Naruto’s Chakra in Konoha and asked Orochimaru to hurry up. Also when Naruto was bawling after seeing countless shinobi’s deaths, Sasuke’s reaction changed from ‘I don’t care 😶’ to ‘How dare you😠’, I consider all these moments where Sasuke was bothered about Naruto . But since, I want to focus only on Pre- Land of the Waves moments, I’m not going to add those moments here.

Did Sasuke felt pain in Part 1?

Of course, he did!!!

Well, I always consider this scene as something ‘very personal’ for Sasuke. 

In this post, I’ve written about how chapter 3 is masked by the ‘Accidental Kiss’ as a comical facade but when you analyze it deeply you will find that Naruto and Sasuke’s rivalry thing goes long back, even before the series started.

After hearing Pinky’s insensitive comment, what Sasuke did here was completely extreme. He was just giving her a ‘Murder Stare’ which was way too extreme for Naruto, if he was just a teammate. When in reality, Naruto was not just his teammate. That’s why I think Sasuke was bothered by this insensitive comment and roasted her because he knew Naruto was suffering from this loneliness ever since he saw him when he was 8. And when someone made fun of his loneliness, Sasuke just couldn’t keep quiet. 

Isn’t this some form of feeling pain of the person you care about and standing up for them?

This is another scene which I don’t have to go in detail about. 

On my first watch, I always wondered, ‘Why Sasuke was making exceptions for Naruto? They just know for a very few days and yet why was he giving his lunch and standing up for him, which he doesn’t have to in the first place? It’s just 2 episodes in and Sasuke has already made 4 exceptions, why was he doing this?’

But after watching Episode 478, I came to the realization that Sasuke did all these because he knew about Naruto before the series even started. 

It’s funny that before this scene, Sasuke was giving his long-ass serious speech to Pinky about how he is an avenger, he was crying at that time, he wants to get stronger than someone and wants to kill him, he can’t waste his time here..... And yet when he saw Naruto suffering from Hunger, he just gave his lunch without minding the consequences. (Ninja Career says Hello!!!!)

Now, Let’s get back to my previous question I posed here, 

Why did Sasuke thought only about Naruto in his final moments? Didn't he have any other good memories other than the ones he shared with Naruto?

The answer is, ‘Sasuke always felt any one of the three extreme emotions such as Happiness, Weakness, Pain in the presence of Naruto. And all these 3 extremities are not something you feel for everyone unless that person shares your blood or the person you love unconditionally. Sasuke, at this point has no one that shares his blood plus the only blood relation left was the one he wants to kill. And since Sasuke thinks he is going to die, he doesn’t mind thinking about his happiest moments with the person he considers as ‘precious’ , because somehow Sasuke considers Naruto as ‘His Person’ or you can say ‘a part of himself’’

And that’s why I think Sasuke realized his true feelings just when he was about to die. 

At the end of vote 1, I think he realizes it fully, his true feelings for Naruto.

I had this same thought before, anon!!! But after multiple re-watches, I realized something else. You cannot realize your true feelings and say a painful ‘Good Bye’ at the same time.

Realizing true feelings works only in two ways,

You either say a ‘Good Bye’ to someone. After leaving that person you may realize you miss that person and eventually you may come to term with your feelings.

Or

You already have a strong feeling established in your heart and say a painful ‘Good Bye’. And VoTE 1 belongs to this category.

Simply put, Break ups and Love realization cannot happen simultaneously.

And that’s why Sasuke casually said, “To me, you’ve become my closest friend” without any hesitation. Because he already knew it otherwise obtaining Mangekyou Sharingan (MS) will not be possible if you don’t have such a strong feelings established already.

That whole battle started off as a way to obtain MS but then it changed into his desperate attempt to cut off his bond with Naruto to become stronger and only killing him can sever it because it’s such a strong one. It’s not a bond that will be severed by saying a simple, ‘Thank you’.

At this moment, Sasuke must be realizing he simply cannot cut off this bond and he is again making an exception by letting this one weakness to exist and embracing it by being closer to him for one final time.

And this is one of the hauntingly brilliant way of conveying A Connection indirectly. And the best part is... this scene is not accidental. We know Sasuke felt stinging pain in his arms and knelt down & coughed up blood. How did he end up straight above Naruto’s face?

It’s because Sasuke simply wanted to convey his unbroken bond with Naruto by deliberately leaning towards his face. Rain falls on Sasuke and all those droplets passes through Sasuke’s face and falls upon Naruto’s face or it is very possible that Sasuke might by crying and his tears might be touching his face, but either way, it creates a Connection which he couldn’t able to cut off. In the fillers, Sasuke’s sweat drop falls on Naruto. It’s almost similar to how at the end of chapter 698, both of their blood connects together to form a connection. Which means only death can separate their connection.

That’s why I feel that this is the moment where he is painfully saying his Good Bye for one last time, it pains him immensely because he already knows that leaving his ‘precious’ person who became a part of himself is not very easy added to that he hurt him so much during the battle. And for this reason, Sasuke felt ‘leaving Naruto is like ripping off half of his body’.

He knows deep down that Naruto is special to him, he adores Naruto privately, he had since before the genin days. What do you think?

Sasuke always fights this inner battle within himself. Mind Vs Heart & Body. 

His mind says, ‘No more Bonds. Just stay alone. That will save you a lot of pain’.

His body says, ‘Create Bonds. Feel Relieved’. 

When Sasuke met Naruto near the lake pier, His body wins the battle and that’s why he smiled back at him despite the trauma he went through few days earlier. This is when Naruto became special to him.

When Sasuke attempted to make friendship with Naruto. His body wins the battle and that’s why he offered food, trained along with him.

When Sasuke died for Naruto by casting away his dreams, his body moved on its own.

At the beginning of VoTE1 battle, his mind said, ‘Leave Naruto. Pursue your dreams by treading in a darker path by filling your heart with hatred’. His body said, ‘Be with Naruto. Achieve your goals by filling your heart with Love’.

By the end of VoTE1, Sasuke came to the conclusion that he really couldn’t sever his bond with Naruto, no matter how hard he tried. That’s why his body moved on its own and ended up straight above Naruto’s face for one last time. Carrying all the heart break of a painful breakup, Sasuke treads towards the darker path. For the very first time, Sasuke’s mind won the inner battle. And he was extremely saddened by it.

Throughout Shippuden, Sasuke mostly listened to his mind and whenever he does, he was seen pushing Naruto away like leaving with Orochimaru, ramming chidori through Naruto’s Shadow Clone when pursuing Itachi, promising to kill Naruto before Attacking Konoha, wanting to fight with Naruto in VoTE2.

But whenever he followed his heart, you can see scenes like Sasuke occupying Naruto’s personal space in Orochimaru hideout, Sasuke smiling at Great Naruto Bridge, asking Obito about Kyuubi (Naruto) when he joined Akatsuki, stopping his rampage on seeing Naruto’s eyes under The Bridge, asking Obito to wait and listened to Naruto under the Bridge, sensing Naruto’s chakra in Konoha and getting concerned about it, prioritize saving Naruto over everyone in the War Arc, switching off Sharingan at the last moment. These are all the moment where Sasuke’s heart was winning over his mind.

And finally at the end of VoTE2, Sasuke happily claimed, ‘I lost’, meaning, his mind which always asked him to cut the bond with Naruto lost to his Heart and Body which always wanted him to be with Naruto. And when Sasuke felt that he was unconditionally loved by Naruto who was willing to share his pain, Sasuke cried happily and finally sealed his Bond with Naruto.

But anyways, I still get this question, why do Sasuke had to battle his feelings for Naruto like a lover? And why Naruto had to act all Tsundere towards Sasuke for most of the Part 1 if only they are friends!!! Like Shikamaru was never shown to be acting tsundere towards Chouji or Naruto. Or Obito was never shown to battle his feelings towards Kakashi!!! Itachi was never shown to be obsessed about Sasuke all the time. Or Hashirama was never obsessed about Tobirama either. Like we were shown many fraternal bonds, friendly bonds throughout the series. And yet why none of those bonds fits for Naruto and Sasuke? 

Well, this post is not the right place to cover these questions and I am simply going to leave it at that. 

Sasuke realized it very early and that’s why he decided to push Naruto away by the end of Part 1. Whereas Naruto truly realized his feelings at the end of Part 1 and decided to put himself close with Sasuke in Part 2 and finally confessed in VoTE2 that, ‘Remember, you once gave me your food during the Bell Test? It’s because you simply can’t tolerate to watch me suffer before your eyes.... I also feel the same way about you.. I simply cannot see you suffer alone when you were willing to give your body to Orochimaru... It just hurt me a lot inside’.

They finally realize the feelings they had for each other is a love in a broader sense which cannot be labelled under a certain term (it may include a father, a mother, a friend, a lover too) and we can call them as Pure Soulmates, where one cannot live without the other, where one cannot bear to see the other one suffer and they always wanted to be standing next to each other sharing their happiness and pain in their hearts. 

[yutahoes]

All About You

pairing: nerdy! Yuta Nakamoto x rich! bratty! Y/N (I hope I made justice) other characters: Johnny as your twin brother, Taeyong as your bestfriend word count: 4.2k words genre: fluff summary: He’s supposed to teach you Math, why is he teaching you to love? warnings: cursing, Y/N has a bad temper, cheating, cringe  Some scenes are inspired from ‘It Started with a Kiss’ 

a/n: Based on this ask. I’m sorry anon, this took such a long time to write. 😭 I just feel unmotivated to write and the week had been such a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve also been so busy, it’s so crazy. 

Also, this is my thank you post for reaching another milestone of this writing blog. I never expected that I’ll past 500 followers but now, it’s in 1.5k. Thank you for following me and reading my works. Please, don’t hesitate to give me feedback even if it’s good or bad. 😅  

"Y/N!" Your eyes shoot open at the sound, groaning when you realize that it was your brother shouting. "You'll be late for school." You hid your head under the pillow to shut down the noise coming from outside the room. "Your car is towed, have you forgotten about it?" Once again, you groaned. "If you don't come down after five minutes, you'll have to take the bus." 

Once again your eyes opened, raising your head. Five minutes? How will you get ready in five minutes? Your allowance is almost gone. You needed to go to school with Johnny or you might end up taking a bus. You were wearing your school uniform when you heard a car engine and saw Johnny leaving already. "Fuck!" You whispered to yourself before taking your bag and hurriedly ran down the stairs. 

"Fuck you, Johnny Seo!" You shouted in annoyance, dragging your school bag outside the gates of your large house while taking your phone out and calling your bestfriend. "Pay for my cab fee." 

“I don’t have any money left,” Taeyong whined. “Just take the bus.” He said before hanging out that pissed you off much more. 

You groaned in annoyance before walking to the bus stop. You will get scolded for being late again if you don’t take the bus. You just wished that no one is going to see you. 

Luckily, the bus isn’t that crowded but there’s only one seat available, beside a guy who had the same uniform as yours. How annoying.

The guy was focused on answering a worksheet, his name written above. Yuta Nakamoto. You heard that name before but instead of pondering over it, you decided to shrug it. You were thankful that he’s the only person from your school who is on the same bus as you or it will be really embarrassing. Once you walked to the gate of the school, you noticed the discipline director on the gates. Shit, you thought, you forgot your necktie. This has detention written all over it. This day is so unlucky. 

A piece of fabric can be felt on your neck followed by the same male student walking before you. The discipline director saw him and scolded him for not wearing a necktie that startled you. You glanced at the necktie hanging on your neck and hastily fixed it before getting inside the campus. Your eyes meeting with the same guy you were sitting next to earlier on the bus. Yuta Nakamoto. 

You shrug while passing him. It's his fault that he's punished like this. Why would he give his necktie to you? When you arrive at your locker, you exchange the worn-out necktie with the spare you have in your locker. "Hey, did you study for our Math exam?" Taeyong greeted that made you roll your eyes. He knew you never study for anything. 

"You know everyone in school, right?" He's such a social butterfly, everyone is his friend. You handed him the necktie, "Return this to Yuta Nakamoto."

"You know Yuta?" But you didn't answer him and started walking the opposite way to your first class in English. Johnny's eyes were on you as you entered the class you shared with him, raising your middle finger as you sat down on your chair and slept on the desk. 

The bell rang. English is done. Lifelessly, you walked to the other side of the building to attend your most loathed class of all. Math. 

Everyone was busy reading notes as you sat next to Taeyong. "Did you study?" You asked and he nodded, grinning. "Just open your paper." He groaned and you gave him a glare before the teacher came in with papers in his hand. He asked everyone to keep their notes and handed out the worksheets. 

Your head was aching at all the numbers and letters on the paper. Your eyes glanced at Taeyong's paper, lightly elbowing him to show his answer. The teacher passed your table and Taeyong lightly glanced at his paper then glared at you. 

"Let me see." You whispered when the teacher passed your table. He opened his paper, lightly glancing around as you try to copy what is written. Someone called for the teacher while you were busy copying the numbers from Taeyong's paper then someone called your name. 

"Copying, Ms. Y/N?" the teacher asked that made you turn to him. "Thank you for informing me, Mr. Nakamoto." Nakamoto? You lightly glanced at the guy in glasses next to the teacher. Of course, it’s him. 

You were brought to the detention room after class. An hour of doing nothing. What’s more annoying is the fact that you were given a failing grade in Math already. There’s nothing you can do but hiss in annoyance. 

When you got home, you had an earful from your grandfather about how you’re such a disappointment to your mom and even comparing you to the perfect Johnny. “Get Y/N a personal tutor.” the older commanded your twin brother, “Maybe she’ll stop cheating in exams.” 

You were annoyed. It’s a one-time event. This is your first time copying from Taeyong since you really didn’t know about the Math exam. Why are they all acting like you’re a serious offender? This is all that guy’s fault for snitching on you. 

The next day was more annoying because you came face to face with Nakamoto Yuta, the snitch, who even had the guts to sit in front of you. “He will be your tutor,” Johnny claimed that made you wide-eyed. He’s kidding. “Grandpa already agreed to it. He said if you pass Math, you’ll get back your car.” You glared before sighing. You needed the car back, going on the bus is a hassle and Johnny isn’t even helping you at all. 

Even if you hated and wanted to ruin this guy’s life, he’s your only choice to getting what you want. 

From your usual seat, you were always transferred to sit beside Yuta as per your grandfather’s wishes. If he’s this influential in school, why are you even bothering to study? Yuta is always with you every class and you were annoyed at how he seemed like a bodyguard, making sure that you attend classes, rather than a tutor. He’s quiet, you have to give him that. Always buried in his books. You believe he doesn’t even know your name. 

That was until you pushed all his buttons. 

It’s not because you’re dumb but school is unmotivating for you so you never put in any effort into your subjects especially Math. “You got this wrong again, Y/N.” Yuta exclaimed while pointing at your answer. Wow, he knew your name. “I’ve been explaining this for hours. Are you stupid?” 

“What did you call me?” 

“Stupid,” he said while looking straight at you. “Even a second-grader would know how to multiply numbers.” You hissed before taking the paper and started answering the question properly. Yuta chuckled when you returned the paper to him, checking your answer. “You have such a bad temper.” 

“Piss me off more and you might get the worst temper ever.” You warned but he only smirked that annoyed you more. “Annoying loser!” you muttered under your breath. 

"That's the reason why you don't have any friends." He really is here to annoy you, isn't he? And you have a friend, Lee Taeyong. Pissed off, you pulled the first thing you saw from him, his glasses, then threw them on the ground before stepping on them. 

Johnny's booming voice can be heard in the library and you know, you're in deep trouble already. 

------

"You broke your tutor's glasses?" your grandfather asked, voice rising. You rolled your eyes, poking the beef on your plate before cutting it so small. “Apologize to him tomorrow.” 

You stared at him in surprise. You? Apologize? To that nerd? He started it! “I won’t, just buy him new glasses.” 

“I already did,” Johnny whispered, drinking his juice. 

“See?” You smiled cheekily, “Problem solved.” 

The older man sighed before dropping down his utensils that startled your twin brother. “You’re hopeless, Y/N.” He claimed while glaring at you. “If you don’t apologize to Mr. Nakamoto, I’ll cut off your allowance in half. And we’ll pretend that the discussion about your car didn’t happen.” What? You gasped but he only stood up, making Johnny sigh. 

“Y/N, please be nice to Yuta. He’s been through a lot.”   

-------

You have no choice but to wake up extra early and come to school with Johnny. You were napping on your desk when you felt a thud beside you. Yuta is here. “Is that really Yuta?” You overheard your classmates asked that made you curious. When you raise your head to look at him, you were startled at his shining, glassy eyes staring at you as well. Before you could say anything, a female classmate called his name. “Yuta, do you want to eat tteokbokki with us later?” 

You sighed before taking out your book, tapping a pencil on the cover. “Yeah sure,” Yuta claimed and you inwardly smile, no tutor lesson today. “Do you want to come, Y/N?” The girls were looking uncomfortable so you just shook your head, claiming that tteokbokki is disgusting which made Yuta roll his eyes. “Then I’ll just come to your place later for the tutor session.” A groan escaped your lips. What the hell? 

It was late afternoon when the maid called for you, saying that Yuta is looking for you. Johnny welcomed him and even claimed that he asked the maids to prepare the garden for the session. You were seated in front of him, looking uninterested, books sprawled in front of you as a tower of cupcakes and tea was on another table. “Your house is on another level. Must be nice living in a house like this.” 

You smirked before trying to substitute x with the equation. “It’s nice because I’m always alone.” 

“Why?” He asked, “Johnny seemed so cool. Your grandfather, I met him once, he looks kind.” 

You giggled, multiplying both sides of the equation. “I’m not like them.” You whispered. “I’m stupid and I have such a bad temper.” You focused on the numbers in front of you.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Yuta whispered, putting down his pen. “That was insensitive of me to say those things and I understand why you hate me.” You lightly glance at him. What’s with the turn of events? You should be apologizing for breaking his glasses. “But I want to be your friend, Y/N.” 

“My friend?” 

“I don’t have lunch plans. Whenever Taeyong or Johnny leaves you during lunch, I want to sit beside you.” You only stared in curiosity. What is he saying? “Let’s be friends, Y/N.” He held out his hand and you saw your grandfather watching the two of you from afar with a smile on his face. Hastily, you took his hand and shook it, smiling at him. Maybe your grandfather will return your allowance to normal. 

The maid went out with a large bowl which made Yuta smile while thanking her. “I brought tteokbokki. Do you want some?” He asked but you shook your head, giving him a disgusted look. “Just try one.” He poked one tteok covered in orange sauce, showing it to you. “Just say ah.”  

How weird. But you opened your mouth to taste this almighty tteokbokki he loved. It was so chewy in your mouth, the taste of spiciness and sweetness playing in your mouth. “How was it?” 

“Disgusting.” 

You didn’t realize how lonely it is to eat alone if not for Yuta. Whenever Taeyong would eat lunch quickly because of council duties or Johnny with his radio show, Yuta would always sit beside you and offer you dessert. He would ask you if you have trouble understanding something in class when you’re seated next to each other in almost all classes you have. 

“Maybe they’re dating.” You overheard in class once, female classmates looking at you who just entered the room. “Why would Yuta reject you if not?” She was talking to a girl seated in front, touching her hair.  

Another girl came to your table. “Are you and Yuta dating?” 

What? You and Yuta? A chuckle escaped your lips. “Of course not, who would fall in love with that nerd?” You saw how the girl seated glared at you followed by a thump beside you. Yuta laid his head on the desk and the girl scrambled back to her seat just as the teacher came. You shrugged. 

During lunchtime, Taeyong immediately left for a meeting in the council. But unlike any other day, Yuta didn’t sit beside you. It was weird. He was consistent these past few days. Why would he suddenly change? But once again, you shrugged. It’s not even lonely to sit alone. 

You waited the whole afternoon for him to come to your tutor session but he's a no-show which startled you. He never misses a day even if he has part-time jobs to do. And you need him now because tomorrow is your exams in Math, the make and break of your car. 

From Taeyong, you found out that he works part-time in a coffee shop near the school. He looked startled when you came in, even ordering a lot since you'll be studying. Yuta only laughed before taking your order. 

The cake looks unappetizing after you kept poking your fork in it, annoyed at how you cannot understand the equation. Why are there letters in Math? It should just be numbers. "You're substituting it wrong," Yuta mumbled before placing his tray on the table and taking your extra pencil. He leaned closer to write on your paper but your gaze was on him. 

You've been seated next to each other but this is the first time you saw him this close. He's handsome. A boyish charm that you cannot see in anyone else. When he turned to look at you, you blinked in surprise. He's so handsome. His red lips, the high nose, his glassy eyes. "Did you get it?" 

A heavy breath followed by a shake of head, to return your focus to the equation and not the image of Yuta. "How did you get this answer?" You asked, looking at the answer which is way different than yours. Are you getting stupider? 

He sighed heavily then glanced at his wristwatch. "Wait for me. I'll just finish my shift." And you nodded. That was your goal all along. 

But instead of doing some practice exercises, you were focused on Yuta serving drinks. He looks like an invisible person in school but a really charming man outside. Whenever he looks at you, you look away from him and pretend to be busy in your workbook. Why are you so worked up because of him? This is crazy! Yuta is making you crazy. 

He's a nerd. He's annoying. He's such a know-it-all. "Yuta doesn't like you, Y/N." you whispered to yourself then gasped when you realized you said it out loud. To your annoyance, Yuta just passed by your side with an empty tray. Did he hear that? You hope not. 

It was the fifth equation when Yuta sat in front of you, yawning and stretching his arms. He was done with the job and had some break before he had to go to the gas station for his second part-time job. "You have a lot of jobs." You claimed while he checked your work. "Do you need that much money?" 

"I have to pay for my tuition." 

"Why would you go to a private academy if you can't even pay for it?" 

Yuta put down your workbook, showing the mistakes and where you missed the question. "My parents met in that academy so it means a lot to my mom for me to graduate in the same alma mater as her." They did? Then Yuta might be rich. "My dad is filthy rich. She got pregnant but his parents don't want the child. My mom left him." 

"That's just tragic."

Yuta smiled. "You know, it’s the typical rich boy - poor girl love story. It will just end that way." You glanced at him before pursing your lips. "Just try finishing three questions. It's the exams tomorrow, you need rest." Once again, he yawned. "And I have to walk you back home."

You stopped after one equation seeing how he almost fell asleep while waiting for you. He might be tired and you don't want him to be late for the next job. You promised you'll do the remaining exercises at home and show him tomorrow then hailed a cab so he won't have to walk you home. Just to be sure, you promised to message him when you arrive home. 

But you never did. Never messaged him, never answered the remaining problems. All that's running in your mind is him. Yuta Nakamoto. He's not bad yet he's not great either. But something about him is piquing your curiosity. Something about him makes you want to be closer to him. 

"Aish!" you shouted. You should be studying. 

--------

You were surprised when the girls were left inside the room and the guys were brought outside for the test. You cannot copy from Yuta. Maybe it was your grandfather’s plan. Surprisingly, the questions aren’t as hard as you thought they would be. Or maybe you just got smarter. The studying to distract your mind from thinking about Yuta has paid off. 

Taeyong sighed heavily while seated in front of you during lunch. “I think I’ll fail the exams.” You glance at him in surprise. Do you have a different question as him? You asked him the first question which you remember clearly and you had a debate on what the right answer is. When you showed him the solution, Taeyong just whined in defeat. “Wow, you’re teaching me Math now.” he claimed before tapping his chin. “Should I get Yuta as a tutor as well?” 

“You can’t.” You raised your voice at him. “Yuta is mine.” 

Taeyong snickered. “Speaking of him, did you know that he was sleeping while taking the exam?” That took your attention. “I don’t even know if he finished the questions. He’s just out of it.” Now, you’re worried. What happened to him? Why did he just sleep when he’s taking exams? 

“How were the exams?” Yuta asked when you met in the library but you only stared at him. “Is it hard?” 

You shook your head. “Did you finish your exam?” He chuckled while nodding, asking if it was Taeyong who told you. “You finished everything?” 

Again, he nodded. “Don’t worry. I just didn’t get enough sleep last night.” You asked him why but he just smiled. “The exams are now done. We’ll just have to wait if you pass to get your car back.” 

You nodded. “You want a ride?” 

Yuta shook his head, smiling at you. “I’ll have to resign as your tutor, Y/N.” You stared at him in surprise. Wait, why? “I’ll have to take a new job…”

“My grandfather can pay you.” But Yuta shook his head. “Why do you need that much money anyway? Are you dating someone?” He smirked before leaning his back on the chair. He didn’t say anything but the smile in his eyes was enough proof to know that he is indeed dating someone. 

Nakamoto Yuta? The nerd? Someone actually had the nerve to ask him out? Someone actually raced you to ask him out. 

You passed by the tteokbokki shop and ordered some of Yuta’s favorite food. It does taste weird, but addicting. You poked one tteok and put it in your mouth, munching on it with a lot of annoyance. Why doesn’t it taste good now? It tastes good when Yuta was feeding you one. You just wasted money on this food. 

You were annoyed. At Yuta. At this girl. He seemed friendly with everyone, it’s annoying. You sat beside Taeyong in class which surprised your friend. “You broke up with Yuta?” he teased that made you roll your eyes. “I thought he’s yours.” You stepped on his foot, earning a yelp from him which made the whole class look at the two of you, even Yuta. 

When the results came out, you rushed to see if Yuta is still the first-rank student. You were worried the whole time when you found out he slept in class. What if he lost the top rank? He lost his scholarship? You grasped your hands together, wishing that he’ll remain in his spot. When you opened your eyes, in front of the rank one student, you beamed at the sight of his name. Yuta Nakamoto. 

He’s still the rank one even if he slept during the exams. Yuta is really amazing. 

Your phone rang and you answered it without even looking at the caller ID, “Where are you?” Yuta. “Did you see your rank?” Wait, what? “I don’t think your grandfather…” A crowd of students came and you almost lost your balance if not for someone who caught you. Him. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” you called then glanced at your phone. You were just talking to each other. “My rank?” 

He smiled. “Twelfth.” You almost ran to the part of the bulletin board that has the top 10-20 rank list. On the twelfth rank is your name, three spots higher than your twin brother and seven spots higher than your bestfriend. You felt a hand on your shoulder and you turned to hug the grinning Yuta. “You did it, Y/N.” He whispered against your ear, “I’m proud of you.”  

You lightly glanced at him. The first person who told you that he’s proud of you. Now, you had an answer to yourself on why Yuta is someone you cannot shake off. He is the first person who believed in you. 

“I’ll treat you to tteokbokki.” Yuta glanced at you in surprise before you took his hand. 

The old woman greeted you and Yuta was surprised when you greeted her back. “We should eat something you like. I’ll treat you.” But you shook your head, licking the sauce from your fingers. “When did you start eating tteokbokki?” 

You shrugged then dipped the tteok to the red sauce. “Why were you on the first bulletin board? Do you think you’ll get the top rank?” A light kick from you under the table made him wince. 

“I thought you might lose your scholarship.” You claimed before eating tteokbokki again. "You were distracted during the exam so I was worried." He stared at you in surprise before smiling. "Shouldn't you stop all these part-time jobs if you want to keep your scholarship?" 

"I lost the gas station gig," he confessed, poking his fork on the tteokbokki. "I'm worried that you didn't come home that night so I skipped work. Johnny told me that you did when I came to your house but I can't sleep that night." 

That night? You were thinking about him that night. "Eomma said someone might be thinking about me." Shit! "But I guess I'm just worried about you." He's what? "But don't mind it." He shrugged before eating the tteokbokki. 

"You were worried?" 

He rolled his eyes, looking at you deadpan. "Of course. What if you fail your exam? Your grandfather's payment will all go to waste." You just munched on the tteokbokki, chewing loudly. "You're enjoying the tteokbokki so much. I thought it's disgusting." 

You shook your head, stuffing your mouth with the chewy tteok. "When did I say that?" 

Yuta chuckled, wiping your sauce-clad finger with tissue. "You're really charming, aren't you?" You rolled your eyes. Why is he shaking you like this? He's already dating another girl. "Just let me save a little more money before asking you out on a date, hmm?" 

What? You choke on the chewy rice cake, coughing at his statement. Ask you out on a date? "I don't want us to be like my parents' story so I need to work hard to at least reach halfway to your world." He munched on the tteokbokki but your eyes remained on him. "Please wait for me before I can take you out officially." 

Is that why he resigned as your tutor? How did this turn into this? "How are you so sure that I'll wait for you?" 

"You said so yourself, I'm yours." He chuckled and you mentally killed Lee Taeyong. "And I do like you." Shit! He did heard you back in the coffee shop. This is so embarrassing. "Even if you don't like me romantically, just let me take you out on one date." 

"Sure." You claimed, "Since you sound so desperate and I'm such a nice girl to reject you." 

Yuta chuckled. "Of course you are." 

“Yuta.”

“Hmm?”

“Treat me to ice cream after this.”

The guy nodded that made you smirk to yourself. This nerd isn’t so bad at all.  

[cjsinkythoughts]

FATWS One Shot #7 - Revels

Word Count: 2921

Warnings: Cursing, That’s All, it’s a Really Tame One Shot

Setting/Characters: Party Scene in Avengers: Age of Ultron; Lots of Characters so I’m Not Gonna Name Them All

A/N: I know…it’s very late. I wanted to have it out on Friday, but I dunno, guys. My motivation as of late has been very low. I finally decided to just sit down and write tonight. So here it finally is!

This one is pretty mild compared to others. There’s a few feeling things in here, but it’s mainly just the reader hanging out with the team. The ending’s written a bit weird, but I didn’t know what to cut it off because the writers did a nice job of making the Mjolnir scene flow into the scene with Ultron’s appearance, but I didn’t want to write the whole fight with Ultron, I just wanted the lifting scene.

Listen here, though! Prepare yourselves to be conflicted even more with Steve! I made it a lot more…touchy than I was planning on. Don’t come at me! It needs to be done! This’ll be one of the last ones focused on Steve like that though. The next one is reader and Wanda bonding and then after that I don’t have any more planned for AoU, so we’ll be going to Civil War, which is where reader meets Bucky officially. So Bucky’s coming soon!

I’m gonna update my WIP List and - maybe - my One Shot list and post those later, along with a poll because I dunno which series I wanna start on next.

Thank you all so much for your patience, understanding, and support! As always, not beta’d, so please excuse the mistakes, all are mine! Be kind to yourselves and others! Enjoy and stay tuned!

FATWS Series Masterlist

cjsinkythoughts Masterlist

*******

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

You set your bag down and looked at your phone, vibrating from where you just left it on the counter. You looked at the time and squinted. Seven. You supposed it wasn’t too late, but you weren’t expecting any calls. 

Tired, your feet dragged as you moved across the room to get your phone. You were helping Fury set up the Helicarrier again while still remaining “dead” to everyone. It was the last thing you were doing before joining the Avengers full time. You were a bit hesitant to be in the spotlight after all these years, but after much pressuring from your team, especially a certain blonde, you finally caved. It was time for a change anyways. It might even be good for you.

Speaking of blondes, Bubba flashed across your screen, a picture of him with some scruff that you took one day in spite of his protests because you’d never seen him with a beard before lighting up behind the contact name.

You answered it, rubbing your eyes with the heel of your hands as you did so. “Hi, bubs. What’s-”

“Where are you? I miss you. Are you coming soon?”

You chuckled at his whines, an eyebrow raising as you processed his words. “Whaddya mean? I’m at my place. Where am I supposed to be?”

“Honey!” You giggled at his groan, finding it amusing how childish he could be at times. “The party? Tonight? Remember? You promised you’d come. I don’t wanna be here without you.”

“Oh shit,” you hiss out. “That’s tonight?” Moving across the kitchen to check your calendar, you scrunch up your face when you see ‘Avenger’s Tower 6 pm’ written in the square. “It’s Saturday. Aw, Stevie. I totally forgot.”

“Oh. So…are you - are you not coming, then?”

Frowning at his fallen tone, you shake your head. “I’ll be there. Just…give me a bit.”

“No, no. It’s okay. You sound tired. You don’t have to-”

“I’m on my way, Steve. I did promise after all. I’m an hour out.”

You could hear his surprise in his voice. “An hour? You’re not in D.C.?”

“I’m a little bit upstate. Just in a safehouse while I help Fury work on something.”

He let out a contemplative hum from the other side of the line. “That secret project you still won’t tell me anything about?”

A smile appeared across your lips as you walked to the bedroom to change into something a little more appropriate, settling for a comfortable romper instead of dealing with a dress. “You know I can’t, bubs. You haven’t told anyone, right?”

“No ma’am.”

You giggle softly. “Alright. Thank you. You’ll find out soon, probably. It’s almost done. Promise.”

“Then you’ll come live here? With me - the team, I mean? I miss you. The team missed you. On the raid.”

“Oh yeah. How was it?”

“Get here and I’ll tell you.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “I’m coming, I’m coming. See you then, bubba.”

“Okay, honey. See ya then.”

*****************

It was nearly nine when you got to the Tower, but any party thrown by Stark didn’t end until at least ten, so you knew you were fine. Just…fashionably late. A concept you knew Tony understood and you wouldn’t hesitate to remind him if he brought it up.

You were pleasantly surprised by how tame the party was. Sure there were a hundred people you doubted even Tony knew, but no flashing lights, the music wasn’t blaring, and no one was grinding on anyone. Everyone was just talking, drinking, and having a good time.

“Hey! There you are! Capsicle said he called you, but that was hours ago!”

Speak of the devil. You grinned and let Tony pull you into a hug before taking the drink he offered. “Yeah, well, I had a few things to do today.”

His eyebrow quirked up. “A few things, huh? Anything I should know about?”

“Nope!” You popped your lips and gave him a smirk. “Not everything’s about you, Mr. Stark.”

“Yeah, well, we missed you this week. Fun raid.” He looked you up and down and nodded, gesturing to your outfit. “Alright, you know what? I accept this. This is okay. Not what I had in mind, but you pull it off.”

You laughed, shoving his shoulder playfully. “It’s comfortable, okay? Where’s Steve?”

The billionaire rolled his eyes and gave you a look. “Don’t worry your pretty little head. He’s over playing pool with Wilson. C’mon! I wanna get you drunk and complain about my perfect, heroic, billionaire life to my favorite teammate!”

“I just need to tell him I’m here.” You snicker. “And don’t let anyone here you say that. I don’t want my rep to become Tony’s favorite.”

He chuckled with you and gave you another squeeze. “Alright, alright. Come find me later, though. I do have something I need to show you.”

You shook your head, already knowing where the conversation was heading. “Tony! No! I don’t need a suit! Thank you, I appreciate it, but I’m really okay. I like fighting in sweatpants.”

“Fine!” He huffed out. “But at least let me show you some designs I came up with. I put a lot of hard work into them, you know.”

Tapping his chest, you nodded. “I’m sure you did. I’ll come find you and you can show me, but that’s it.”

He smirked, drawing an ‘x’ over his heart with his finger. “Cross my heart.”

“I’m serious, Tony!” You point at him as he started walking away. He just blew a kiss towards you, making you laugh and roll your eyes again.

Turning, you scanned the room for the pool table where, supposedly, Steve was playing with Sam, who you had no idea was gonna be here. You’d been helping him out with the whole James - Bucky, you reminded yourself - Barnes thing during your free time. No such luck yet. The man was literally a ghost, even for you.

You couldn’t stop the smile on your lips when you finally caught sight of him, his brown leather jacket hugging his shoulders a grin on his face as Sam talked to him about something. Quickly making your way over, your arms wrapped around that ridiculously tiny waist, crossing over his stomach. You felt him tense at the sudden contact, before he relaxed at a kiss to the nape of his neck and spun around.

The beam he gave you made your heart flip, his muscled arms winding around your neck. “Y/N! You made it!”

His boyish excitement made you laugh. “I told you I’d come. Hi, Sam.”

Sam nodded and waved. “What’s good, Y/N?”

“Who’s winning?” Slipping out of Steve’s hold, you leaned over the table to study the games process.

“We just started a new one.” Steve informed you. “Wanna join?”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “You sure you wanna be embarrassed in front of all these nice people?”

“Oooh!” Sam winced. “Smack! Alright. Put your money where your mouth is, Y/L/N. Ten bucks says I win.”

“You’re on, Wilson.”

A few more drinks, a couple games, and thirty extra bucks later, Tony called you over impatiently. Steve gave you a questioning look as you heated up, Tony waving his arms dramatically and shouting your name. God, he’s so embarrassing.

“He wants me to look at suit designs.”

Steve frowned at your explanation. “I thought you told him no?”

You chuckled. “I did. I’ll be right back, bubs.” After kissing his cheek, you head over to Tony. From there, you end up bouncing around from teammate to teammate, laughing and joking around with them.

Until Steve dragged you back with him again. “Excuse me.” He interrupted you, Clint, and Natasha’s chatter, grabbing your elbow and taking the drink you had in your hand. “I’m stealing you.”

“C’mon, man! It’s called sharing!”

Natasha laughed and nodded in agreement with Clint’s statement. “Everyone’s gotta have a turn, Rogers.”

Steve hummed, walking backwards and pulling you as you giggled in amusement. “You just had your turn, Romanoff.”

“Sorry guys.” You shrugged when the two looked at you incredulously. “Captain’s orders.”

“Damn right.” Steve nodded firmly.

“Watch your language!” Clint shouted with a pointed finger.

You raised an amused eyebrow at Steve’s groan. “Your language? They do know that you have, quite possibly, the worst mouth on the planet, right?”

He sighed, pulling you to the side of the room and wrapping his arms around your waist. “It’s something that happened on the mission. Which you would know if you were there.”

“Steven.”

He blinked innocently at you. “What?” At your pointed look, he let out a sigh, dropping his forehead to your shoulder. “Did I do something wrong? Is that why you’re avoiding me?”

“Who said I’m avoiding you?”

“C’mon, honey.” He lifted his head, his eyebrows furrowed together. “Don’t hurt me even more. I know you have.”

You shook your head, lips turning down and hand raising to cup his cheek. “Stevie, I’m not. I promise. I’ve just…I’ve just been busy.”

He pouted. “With Fury?”

Giving him a weird look you shook your head. “No. I mean, yes, but I’ve also been helping Sam out with your friend while you help the team with the rest of the HYDRA bases. You know that. What’s going on with you?”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed, ducking his head to your shoulder again. “I’ve just missed you.”

“I know, bubba. I’ve missed you too.”

The real truth was you had been avoiding him. Not on purpose. Kinda. You just felt something different around him. Something you’d never dealt with before. And you didn’t want to deal with it now, so you haven’t been. It was why you were so hesitant about becoming a full time Avenger. Well, that and the fact that you’d been in the shadows for a decade and you weren’t sure how well you’d do in the light.

“Where’s Sam?”

“He had to head home. Long drive. His excuse, not mine.”

You gasped in offense. “And he didn’t even say bye?! Rude!”

Steve chuckled, his nose brushing against the skin of your throat, breath tickling your collarbone. “I’m sure he’ll call you in the morning or something. Apologize for leaving so abruptly.”

You hummed, swallowing the lump that suddenly appeared in your throat. “Tell me about the language thing. What happened?”

He groaned, but straightened and told you about him accidentally scolding Tony, before he proceeded to tell you about the rest of the mission, including the Maximoff twins. 

“Why is it that war always seems to breed more war?” You asked with a sigh.

“They’re just kids trying to do what’s right.”

“We all start out that way, don’t we?” You shook your head. Kids. they shouldn’t be fighting in a war. They shouldn’t have to deal with that. “It’s just a shame.” Your voice is muffled by his shirt after you pressed against his chest.

“Yeah.” He sighed out. “Wanna go get a drink?”

Pulling back from him and looking around, you noted that most guests had already gone and it was dwindling down to just the Avengers and a couple allies. “Yeah. Wanna sit down too. I’m kinda tired.”

“Alright, honey. Let’s go sit down.”

It wasn’t even half an hour later when you were all sitting around the middle of the room, everyone else having gone, but Dr. Helen Cho, Rhodey, Maria, and the team. You were in the same boat as Helen, who was basically passed out on an armchair. You’re legs thrown over Steve’s lap, stretched out to let your feet rest on Thor’s thigh, who was on the chair on the other side of the captain. You were hugging Steve’s arm, your head resting against his shoulder, a small smile of content across your features as you listened to the team banter and tease.

You started laughing at Clint’s comments towards Thor’s hammer while spinning the drumstick he had for whatever reason. “Ah, whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power! Whatever, man! It’s a trick!”

You and Steve exchanged amused grins as Thor challenged Clint, who stood up with no hesitation and headed to the hammer.

“This is gonna be good.” You chirped, taking the bottle Steve handed you as the archer stopped in front of where it was placed on the table.

Clint stuck his tongue out at you, before turning back to Thor and gripping the handle. He tugged for a moment, grunting, before laughing in slight embarrassment. Chuckling, you snuggled closer to Steve’s side, your eyes feeling heavy. He turned his head to nose your temple and kiss your cheek.

“Oh brother.” You giggled, sitting up with interest as Tony stood up and unbuttoned his suit jacket.

“Alright, so if I lift it, I-I then rule Asgard?” Tony asked in clarification, slipping his hand through the strap.

“Yes, of course.” Thor confirmed with an amused smirk, shooting you a wink when you nudged his knee with your foot.

Tony braced himself, setting his foot on the table. “I will be reinstituting prima nocta.”

You rolled your eyes, scoffing. “Oh God, Tony.” Steve squeezed your knee with a slight chuckle as the billionaire tried lifting it to no avail. You gave him a weird look, watching him leave the room, before turning to Steve. “What’s he-?”

“Alright! Let’s try this again!”

Another fit of laughter left you and the team when Tony strutted back in with his Iron Man glove on. And when that didn’t work, Rhodey joined him with his War Machine glove. 

Your eyes were watering and you tried holding in your laughter, but you couldn’t help it, pressing your face into Steve’s arm to muffle the sounds. You felt his shoulders shake with silent chuckles, which didn’t help your own.

When Bruce went up, an awkward silence filled the air after he tried Hulking out, but then you started laughing again.

“Your turn, bubba.” You nudged the blonde, who gave you a look, before shrugging and patting your thigh. 

“You gotta get off then, honey.”

You rolled your eyes but swung your legs off him, letting him stand up. He rolled his sleeves up, stepping up to Mjolnir, a few encouragements from the team, before pulling on the hammer. You thought you saw it shake a little, but Steve yanked some more and it didn’t move, so you figured you were imagining it.

Steve sighed and let go, putting his hands up in surrender with a grin like the good sport he was. Thor laughed. “Nothing.”

You shrugged at the super soldier who plopped back down besides you as the others tried getting Natasha to go up. “You tried.” 

He raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms and leaning back. “Well if Romanoff isn’t going…your turn.”

“Wh-what?” Your eyes went wide.

“I did it.” He gestured to the hammer. “Now you gotta.”

“Hold on, hold on. We didn’t agree on th-”

“Honey.” He gave you a little pout, cocking his head to the hammer. “C’mon. Just a tug.”

You narrowed your eyes, but your lips turned up and you straightened off the couch. “This is peer pressure. Captain America, everyone.” He chuckled as you stepped over to Mjolnir. “It’s not gonna work.”

Tony snorted. “Not with that attitude.”

“C’mon, Tones. If none of you could.”

The billionaire shrugged with a grin. “Never know if you don’t try.”

You deadpanned at him, gripping the handle and trying, in vain, to pull it. You didn’t put nearly as much effort as everyone else. “Wow. Look at that. What a surprise.”

“What was that?! You barely touched it!”

Giving a shrug, you started back to your seat. “I’m guessing if you’re worthy or whatever, it wouldn’t take that much to lift it.” You fell onto the couch, your head landing in Steve’s lap as you looked upside down at Thor and pointed at him. “But I do have a question for you.” The god looked at you in interest, gesturing for you to continue. “What does worthy mean? Like, what makes a person worthy to lift it? You couldn’t lift it a while back - I know, I read the files. SHIELD agent, remember?” You added when you saw him open his mouth to question you.

You blinked at him curiously, tilting your head, watching as his brow furrowed. Tony cackled and clapped at the silence in answer. “Oooh! She got you! All difference to the Man Who Wouldn’t Be King, but it’s rigged. And the lack of response to Y/N’s question just makes it more obvious.”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“You bet your ass.”

You rolled your eyes, letting it go as Maria teased Steve about Clint’s foul language. “Did you tell everyone about that?” Tony ignored Steve’s question and continued to ride on Thor and his hammer.

“Why are they trying to make sense of it?” You questioned, highly entertained, but also very tired, turning to press against Steve’s stomach.

“It’s Tony. I couldn’t tell you. C’mere.” Steve shifted you so that you were sitting up, but he was holding you more comfortably. “Try getting some sleep.”

You hummed and nodded against him, but a high pitched whine made you wince and stand up, Steve unconsciously standing a bit in front of you. A suit of Tony’s, damaged with wires hanging down and oil leaking out or places that didn’t have metal keeping them in, came in and you inwardly sighed at the bad feeling tugging at your gut.

So much for sleep.

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All Works Taglist (Open):

@happygoreading @bibliophilewednesday @breadqueen95 @marvelettesassemble @w-wolfhxrd @the-larry-romance​ @abitofeverythinggg

[qianinterprises]

Birthday Blues

Genre | tiny angst, crack, fluff Pairing | Xiaojun x Reader Warning | sadness in the beginning, but it's nothing bad, just some moping. Word Count | 1.5k Summary | Spending his birthday without his family is hard. Spending it without you is even harder. Good thing Kun has a gift that will make everything better. Author's Note | Just a small fic to celebrate Xiaojun's birthday! Happy birthday Xiaojun!! 💕💕

Originally posted here

It didn’t come as a surprise to anyone when Dejun walked downstairs that morning, dragging his feet, shoulders slumped low as he shuffled into the kitchen where Kun was standing at the stove, stirring whatever delicious concoction he had cooking.

“Morning Junie-ge!” YangYang beamed at the slightly older man.

Dejun glanced up at him and couldn’t stop the small smile from growing on his face. YangYang was infectious. Anyone that was around him for any amount of time would be able to tell you that. He was annoying, yes. He sometimes made Dejun want to ring his neck, yes again, but he was their baby, their maknae, and he was an excellent hype man.

“Why so low?” Kun’s steady voice asked as he flipped a browning dough over in the pan.

Flapjacks and… something else…

Kun already knew why Dejun was less than enthusiastic on his day, but it still didn’t hurt to ask. Perhaps get the boy to talk before he kidnapped Bella and disappeared into his room for the day.

“You know why,” Dejun grumbled back, face falling once again.

“Tell me anyway,” Kun insisted.

Dejun huffed, shoulders shaking as he did so, but he didn’t ignore the elder.

“My parents and brother are nowhere close, so I can’t see them today, which sucks. But it’s made worse because I can’t even see (y/n) today. She’s busy and even if she weren’t, we’re in a totally different place than she is! She would have had to fly out and she doesn’t have time for that.”

Kun nodded in understanding, giving Dejun a look he couldn’t read but somehow made him feel better.

“Are you going to try video calling her?” YangYang asked.

He’d been so quiet Dejun nearly forgot the boy was there.

“I hope,” Dejun shrugged. “If she has time for me…”

“She loves you. She’ll have time for you.”

“Maybe…” Dejun muttered, shoulders slumping lower.

The kitchen fell silent save for the popping grease of whatever the hell Kun was making before being interrupted by another bright soul.

“Happy birthday Dejun!” Ten’s voice was shrill as he shrieked in Dejun’s ear, but the younger couldn’t bring himself to care as his bandmate wrapped him in a tight hug, giving him an extra squeeze for good measure before letting go and walking over to the stove to pester Kun.

“What did you do to him?” Ten shrieked, picking a silver spoon up from the counter and dipping it into the pan of whatever mysterious food Kun was cooking, only to be stopped as their leader brought a wooden spoon down on the top of Ten’s head, giving him a glare.

“I didn’t do anything to him. Now shoo!” Kun urged, pushing Ten away with his hip.

Ten stared at the male with betrayal written all over his face, but he seemed to get over it soon because he was draping himself across Dejun’s lap not a moment later.

“So why the sullen face Junie?”

Dejun groaned, choosing to ignore the male, not wanting to repeat himself as he leaned back against the chair he was sitting in. Part of him roved over the thought of pushing Ten from his lap and watching the male flounder to the floor, but even though he wasn’t exactly in a great mood, he wouldn’t do that to Ten…

...Unless the other irritated him too much.

“Something smells delicious!” Yukhei’s voice boomed as he walked into the kitchen, clad only in a pair of green and gold striped boxers.

“Seriously Yukhei?” Ten groaned.

The taller didn’t acknowledge him as he walked over to the stove to investigate what his leader was cooking when Kun suddenly turned around, his eyes falling on Yukhei’s bare chest.

Surprise was the first thing that crossed his features, but that was quickly washed away by annoyance.

“Wong Yukhei! You have better sense than to parade around the kitchen half in the nude!” he yelped. “I taught you better manners than that!”

The vein at the side of Kun’s forehead, right by his left temple, was starting to pinken up, enlarging enough that Dejun could see it pulsating with growing anger.

“But it’s hot,” Yukhei whined.

“So? Do you see any of us walking around with half our junk hanging out?!”

Yukhei opened his mouth to speak.

“No! You don’t! Because we have manners!”

Kun must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed… that… or his girlfriend was coming over and he wanted everyone on their best behavior.

“I would be completely naked if I wanted to get shouted at,” Ten indruded on the conversation, not looking up from his phone.

Kun and Yukhei turned to look at him. The vein in Kun’s forehead was becoming more prominent.

“Put some damn clothes on!” Kun snapped after a long moment of looking at Ten. “And keep your clothes on!” he snapped.

A mischievous grin crossed Yukhei’s features and Dejun knew this wasn’t over, but Yukhei knew how to pick his battles.

“I told you to put on some clothes before you left the room,” Sicheng pointed out, walking into the kitchen as Yukhei was hurrying out.

No one bothered to answer as Sicheng sat down at the table, fingers drumming on the faux wood.

“Is breakfast almost ready?” YangYang whined.

Kun rolled his shoulders and grabbed a few pot holders from their drawer. Sicheng got up from the table and moved to the stove, grabbing them from their leader. He brought them over to the table, placing them down as Kun followed close behind, one hand holding a plate of fluffy-looking flapjacks. The other holding a searing pan of egg, peppers, crushed bacon, diced ham, and crumbled sausage in a stir fry-like omelette.

Dejun squinted at the food in front of them. It looked good, but it was nothing like what they usually ate for breakfast. It was much… fancier. And yeah, it was Dejun’s birthday and all, but even still, Kun had promised him a nice dinner. They usually didn’t go all out for breakfasts on birthdays!

“Is our lovely leader trying to impress his girlfriend enough to get laid?” Ten asked, wiggling his eyebrows mischievously.

Kun’s cheeks dusted pink but he sat down in his chair at the head of the table with a huff.

“Not just my girlfriend,” he grumbled with a huff.

Dejun rolled his eyes. Naturally Kun would try to impress his lady. At least Dejun would get delicious free food out of it. That was one thing going for him today, even if the rest of his day was shot.

He had just pulled a flapjack onto his plate that Guanheng had passed out to everyone as he’d entered the kitchen, when the doorbell rang and Dejun’s eyebrows cinched. Their doorbell hardly ever rang! Anyone from the other units would simply waltz right in and shout out their presence. Any of their significant others would knock before walking in because everyone knew them well enough. The managers never bothered to knock or ring the doorbell, so they only ever heard the chime when there was a large package delivered or a new guest was showing. And it was too early for packages.

“Dejun, could you get the door?” Kun asked, shooting the male a small smile before looking back down at his plate as he scooped some of the omelette onto his plate.

Dejun let out a small huff, but decided not to argue and got up from his table. Who knew, maybe Kun had ordered a big package for him that was to be delivered so early this morning.

He walked from the kitchen and into the front hallway where the door stood. Whoever was at the door was steering clear from the window cut in the center of the door, making it impossible for Dejun to have any guesses on who could possibly be there. His hand gripped the handle and he spun it, unlatching it from the hinge and pulling it open. Only to reveal…

You.

You were standing on the doorstep, a small, rolling suitcase by your side. Your hair wasn’t done up beautifully. It was in a lazy bun. Your clothes weren’t fancy, they were simple sweats. But none of that mattered. All that mattered was you were here.

“(y/n),” he breathed.

A smile crawled its way to your face and you released your hand from your suitcase handle, spreading your arms wide enough for him to step into your embrace. And he did just that.

Your arms encircled his middle, hugging him tightly as he nestled his face into your hair.

Behind you, he noticed Kun’s girlfriend standing, a fond smile covering her own lips as she watched the scene unfold. It was then that Dejun had no doubt she and Kun had cooked this up. Had made this possible. And Dejun made a mental note to protect his wonderful, amazing leader from the shenanigans of the others for the next week, because after this amazing gift, the man deserves the world. But he would have to wait, because Dejun was going to do nothing but cherish you with him for as long as you were able to stay.

When he pulled away, he brought his hands up to cup your cheeks, thumbs gently running along your cheekbones. Your eyes locked on his as you placed your hands on his.

“Happy birthday Dejun,” you whispered softly.

That was all you were able to get out before his lips covered yours in a tender, but passionate kiss.

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - Be Very Afraid

This is the best story arc episode in season three and arguably the best written episode since The Great Tree, but it’s still season three so there are still issues with it. 

Summary: When Zhan Tiri tells Cassandra she must destroy Rapunzel in order to wield the Moonstone's true power, Cassandra discovers that she can create, with fear, red rock spikes that cause fear and freeze their victims. Varian discovers the red rocks and teams up with Rapunzel to use his amber solution on them. Meanwhile, Eugene and Lance decide to throw a talent show to distract everyone from their fears. 

Why Can’t Cassandra Control The Rocks?

The series never gives an actual explanation for this. She could control them just fine in Rapunzel’s Return, so what’s changed? 

There is No Destiny!

There’s no prophecy, no oracle, no grand design nor master of fate to fight back against; the characters literally have no reason to do what they do. If you want destiny to be a goal then you have to establish what that destiny is first. 

What does Cassandra want? How does this connect back to Gothel, Rapunzel, and the Moonstone? Why she just failing about like an idiot here? Did she not have a plan when she threw her life away for this stupid rock? 

And of course Zhan Tiri is lying here, but why should Cassandra believe her? What does she gain by listening to a creepy ghost girl? This ‘destiny’ has not been established, so therefore there’s no hook nor bait for Zhan Tiri to trap her with. 

Leading directly into “you should kill your bestie’ should logically put Cassandra off of Zhan Tiri’s advice for good because Zhan Tiri isn’t actually offering anything. Temptation requires the person to be, you know, tempted by what they want, but Cassandra doesn’t know what she wants so none of this makes sense. 

The writing is desperately trying to make Cass sympathetic here, but all it winds up doing is making her look like a moron instead. 

This Isn’t Consistent

Not only does this fail to explain why Cass could control the rocks previously but no longer can, but it’s also contradicted just a couple of episodes later with the incantation bullshit. 

You need an established magic system in place in order for the character’s actions to make sense show!

This Ultimately Goes Nowhere

Ignoring how Varian should have been in season two and how translating the scroll should have led to freeing his father, which we’ve talked about previously; this subplot should have had more impact on the narrative than it actually did. Yes, Varian’s translation winds up driving the plot of Cassandra’s Revenge, but 90% of that episode winds up being utterly pointless, including the incantations themselves, so.... 

I Like This Sequence; Shame It Winds Up Being Undermined Later  

Unlike the majority of dream sequences in this show, this nightmare has an actual point. It more firmly establishes Varian’s fears and gives the audience some insight into what happened to him back in season one. Something we were sorely lacking. It also becomes the core conflict and drive of Varian’s character development through out the episode. 

Only for the episode to ignore Varian’s real issues and fail to adequately address anything. By series end this plot point will be completely forgotten. The show acts like bringing it up once and then never acknowledging it ever again just magically revolves Varian’s character arc. It doesn’t.  

So How Come Quirin Isn’t Affected By the Rocks? 

He’s right there next to them and he shows no reaction to them at all. You’re telling me the man who lost his home twice to these things, almost died to them, and nearly lost his only child because of them, is just not going to respond to new creepy red ones popping up? 

Quirin would have a treasure trove of trauma to explore in his own right, that undoubtedly would connect back to Varian’s own issues, but we’re just going to ignore it and have Quirin off screen for the majority of the episode?

Are These New Character Models?

Are you shitting me!? 

They built five new models just for a short two minute scene, one where none of the new characters are named nor given lines, only to never appear ever again!

What the fuck? Why did you waste time and money on this? What happened to all of the other background characters you already built? Did a bunch of season one models just get lost or deleted or something? 

Also why are they all wearing green? Is it St. Paddy’s Day? 

This Plot Point Wasn’t Established Enough Beforehand

Look, I’ll buy that there are people in Corona who still blame Varian for what happened in season one and for the Sapoiran take over. I mean they’re only getting half the story and were directly effected by his actions whether or not he intended harm to them. But we needed to see more of it beyond just this one scene.

No one was bullying him in Lost Treasure or The King and Queen of Hearts, so for all purposes he appeared to be integrated back into society, and now you’re telling me he’s not and that Rapunzel risked his well being by forcing him to interact with people who were hostile to him back in Lost Treasure? 

And yeah you can’t really move Lost Treasure back any further than it already is cause that’d leave a giant hole in the wall of the throne room for over a year. Which also makes no sense either. 

Or hey, maybe it’s just Feldspar being an asshole. In which case why should Varian or the audience care? 

Eugene is Wasted

Look I understand that there’s only twenty five minutes to tell this story and that Eugene isn’t the focus of the episode. I also understand that the B-plot is meant to be comedic in order to relive tension from the A plot, but this wasn’t the best way to go about it. 

The B plot swings too far wide in the other direction that it dilutes the tension too much. The A plot now has to work over time to keep the urgency going. I could understand it, if the show wanted start off with small fears first, but it needed to ramp up the drama as it got closer to the climax, not under cut it. 

We never see Eugene freak out over anything other this this cowlick. In fact we never see him scared of anything else beyond this one scene, which undermines Rapunzel’s arc this episode as she’s suppose to be the only one bottling things in. What makes Eugene so special that he can keep a lid on it with out consequences, or are you telling me that a dumb cowlick is his only fear? 

Either answer is stupid. 

I Hope You Have Copies of the Map

You went through all that trouble to steal the journal for this very reason and now here you are prancing around without it like it’s not that big of deal. Way to undermined past story arcs. 

It’s like the writers know that season one was their most successful season, and therefore try to make callbacks to it whenever they can, to make up for ignoring it in season two completely, but they still don’t want to actually acknowledge anything that happened during that season so they just refer to it in the laziest way possible, rendering the previous events pointless. 

So Close and Yet So Far

I’m mainly posting this whole conversation so that you dear readers will have context for what I talk about next. 

For you see, this scene starts out okay and it looks like we’re finally going to address the elephant in the room regarding Rapunzel’s involvement in Varian’s past trauma, only for the scene to immediately side step the issue all together and not resolve the conflict at all. 

No! Don’t Interrupt; Listen! 

Or at least go all the way and accept some of the blame yourself. 

It may look like Rapunzel is comforting Varian here on a superficial level, but without her verballing acknowledging what she did wrong, this action just winds up taking the focus off of Varian and what he needs and places it upon Rapunzel, both narratively and physically.

So what happens is that, in universe, it comes across like she’s just consoling Varian for her own personal comfort rather than genuinely trying to help. 

Why Would Varian Ever Think This? 

Okay, first off this has nothing to do with what Varian was talking about previously. Why would he jump from discussing his trauma to praising Rapunzel? You know the woman who is responsible for said trauma? 

Secondly, this switches the focus of the conflict off of Varian’s specific trauma and makes it about a generic “over coming fear” lesson mixed with an out of place validation issue. Which is not what’s actually needed for his character development; nor for Rapunzel’s for that matter. 

Third, being the sundrop has nothing to do with Rapunzel as a person. Her being born with magical powers was an accident of fate, same as her being royalty. She’s not innately better than anybody else because of this and nobody has any narrative reason to assume otherwise. Especially since her powers are utterly disconnected from her actual personality, choices, and actions. All three of which have become unbearably unpleasant by the last season. 

Finally, Varian, of all people should be the last person on earth to ever think so highly of Rapunzel. Them being friends again is already pushing believability. Him suddenly kissing her ass the same as everyone else this season is just flat out bad writing.  

Varian knows better than anybody what an awful person Rapunzel is. He’s seen her at her worse. He’s seen her not live up to her hypocritical ideals. He knows the larger problems that steam from placing people in power on pedestals. As her former victim, Varian by all accounts should be the one person who can bring Rapunzel down to earth and poke holes into her ego, even while still being her friend. Especially while still being her friend. She needs that! Writing Varian as another blind Rapunzel stan is not only writing him out of character, but it also damages Rapunzel’s own development. 

Also Varian hates magic. Why would he now worship someone just for having magic? 

THIS AIN’T ABOUT YOU BITCH!!!

I literally yelled that at my tv screen when I first saw this scene. Those were my exact words upon the episode’s first airing. And believe it or not, I’m not one to usually scream obscenities at inanimate objects. 

I understand what the writers were trying to accomplish here. They wanted Rapunzel to ease the tension by saying something funny and to make Varian laugh to distract him from his woes; thereby defusing the situation. But it doesn’t work because of season three’s tendency to make Rapunzel the most egotistical, smug, self-centered, abusive, self-righteous twat in the show. 

It really boggles the mind just how unaware the writing is. Like, surely no one makes their protagonist this unlikable on accident. Clearly they meant for Rapunzel to be an ass on purpose right?  They wanted Cass to have a reason to hate her so they decided to make her insufferable to the viewer in a misguided attempt to make Cass more sympathetic? Right? 

Then where is the bloody comeuppance? 

I genuinely thought this was all going to lead somewhere. That Rapunzel was going to learn to be a better person and I would have been fine by that. I would have applauded the show if they had turned her into an asshole intentionally so that they could teach a mature and nuanced lesson about morality. 

But they didn’t, and here I am; still shaking my head in confusion over a year later. 

Seriously what the fuck happened behind the scenes to cause this? How can processionals paid by the largest animation company in the world be so incompetent? 

Having Trauma is Not the Same Thing as Having a Phobia  

This is where Varian’s arc falls apart. Not only does the episode fail to have Rapunzel acknowledge her past wrongs for a second time, but it also completely mishandles Varian’s trauma because it equates it to being an irrational fear. One that can be overcome through pure force of will at that, same as Lance and everyone else’s fears in the episode. 

Ok first off Varian’s fear isn’t irrational. He even just said so at the start of the conversation. Varian’s trauma is very real, it’s not a hypothetical unlike clown-spiders and cowlicks. Also has been given very little reassurance that it won't happen again. Varian has no reason to trust Rapunzel or anybody else in the show. They never owned up to abandoning him previously, and both he and the audience have little reason to believe that Rapunzel wouldn’t just neglect him again if it was convenient for her.   

Secondly one does not simply ‘overcome’ trauma. Oh you can deal with trauma, you can manage it and learn to live with it. But it never goes away. It doesn’t magically disappear just because you ‘faced it’. 

In fact confronting it head on is actually the opposite of what your suppose to do when going through something traumatic. Studies have shown that distracting your mind after a car crash or what have you actually helps with PTSD later on. And ‘dealing with it” doesn’t mean ignoring the problem out right, but rather learning how to function despite the pain. 

But as the show acts like Varian’s trauma never even existed after this episode. 

This Doesn’t Resolve Anything!

What does “being special” have to with fear? How does this help Varian with his trauma? Empty validation has nothing to with what we were just discussing. 

Everyone gets afraid. Everyone has trauma of some sort. Are you telling me that my need for therapy some 20 years after being physically assaulted is just because I’m not special enough? Fuck you show! 

Moreover, this doesn’t resolve the story arc from season one. Varian and Rapunzel’s conflict with each other has nothing to do with self esteem. It was about personal responsibility, conflicting needs, and abuse. Yes, self image and acceptance was a small factor in their motivations, but it was never the driving goal behind their decisions. 

This is yet another broken narrative promise to the audience. There’s no closure to be had from this and leaves the viewer wanting, if not outright frustrated. 

In order to justify this exchange fans have to ‘read between the lines’ and make shit up in order for any of this to make any sense. People who still defend season three do by doing all the heavy lifting that writers themselves should be doing. 

If it’s not on screen, it doesn’t count. 

If Rapunzel never apologizes on screen, then she never apologized. If Rapunzel never checked up on Varian on screen, then she neglected him outright. If Rapunzel never acknowledges her wrong doings on screen, then she’s never learned anything. The characters pretending like she has doesn’t make it so. 

Why Does Cassandra Even Want a Destiny? 

Yes, Zhan Tiri is lying, there is no destiny, but Zhan Tiri being a liar doesn’t absolve Cassandra of her own actions. 

Cassandra herself believes in destiny and is looking for her’s, but why? 

Why does she want a destiny? What is this destiny she’s after? Why does she believe such a thing exists? What does she believe it’ll gain her? Why is she willing to risk so much for such a vague goal? What does any of this have to do with the moonstone or her mother? How does this destiny connect back with her personal feud with Rapunzel? 

It’s all disjointed and confused. Nothing lines up. It’s like the writers just had this dart board full of ideas for Cassandra’s villain arc, but couldn’t decide on which one to go with, so they just threw darts randomly each episode and went with whatever stuck for any given scene.

“Oh she want’s revenge for her mother during this scene, or wait no, she’s actually looking for destiny this episode?” “What destiny?” “Who knows. Now for this scene we need her to be sad because reasons...” “What reason?” “I don't care, make something up... Uuuuh, she’s sad cause she’s not a royal guard still” “But she became a guard during season one.” “Ignore that. Kids won’t remember. Now she needs to be angry and threating here” “Why?” “Because it’ll look cool.” “But why is she angry?” “Cause it looks cool Bob! Geez! Oh but she still needs to be sympathetic so give her a frowny face afterwards. Just have Zhan Tiri remind her how much she hates Rapunzel later, so as to egg her on and keep her doing stupid shit?”  “But why does she hate Rapunzel?”  “Do I have to think of everything BOB!!!???”  

There, there’s my non-so-accurate behind the scene’s glimpse into the Tangled writer’s room when discussing Cassandra’s arc. I could be wrong. There could have been some intricate and complex plan thought out that just didn’t make it onto the screen for whatever reason, or maybe everyone involved was so far up their own ass that they just forgot to give their main villain an actual reason for being the villain. But regardless the over all effect is that Cassandra is handed the idiot ball for a whole freaken season in order to even have a conflict and that is never good writing; or rather she’s hit in the head with it repeatedly. 

This Actually Goes Against Zhan Tiri’s Plan

Zhan Tiri’s short term goal is to be released from her dimensional prison and apparently she needs Cass and Raps to fight into order to do this. This was never established before hand and goes against her disciples pervious plans, but whatever. One could argue that this is just a lie in order to get them to fight later... 

However, this lie jeopardizes her long term goal. She eventually wants to wield both the moonstone and the sundrop herself in order to destroy Corona, but Rapunzel is the sundrop and you can only take her power during an ellipse, supposedly, which means if Cass actually succeeds in killing Rapunzel before then, then Zhan Tiri is up a creek without a paddle. Also if Cassandra did manage to steal Raps’ power with or without an ellipse then Zhan Tiri would still be out of luck. 

This was wholly unnecessary; you didn’t have to go from zero to sixty in one fell swoop. Have Zhan Tiri claim that fighting Rapunzel will award the power to the winner or something. There’s no need to bring up the ‘kill her’ option. That should logically just drive Cassandra away and puts Zhan Tiri’s plan at risk. 

The series wants to act like Zhan Tiri is this master manipulator, a chess master like Zantos or Palpatine, but she couldn’t even tie their shoes. Her plans make no sense and often contradict one another. They only work because the rest of the cast are reduced to imbeciles in order for them to work. 

This Plot Point Contradicts Season Two

His fear of spiders was establish early on, and I’ll accept the clown thing as there’s nothing to contradict it, but Lance has preformed numerous times before now and has never show stage fright. He’s a huge ham and back in Return of Quaid he mentioned how much loved acting and preforming and apparently been on stage before, so where does this fear of singing in public come from? Heck he sung in public just a few episodes ago in Rapunzel’s Return. 

If you have to sacrifice established character into order to make your plot work then you need a new plot. 

This Song is Nice; It Just Needed to Be in a Different Episode 

I’m glad Lance got a solo. He deserved one and the song is good. However it breaks the tension of the climax and gives the episode tonal whiplash. 

More than a song, Lance needed an actual focus episode in season three. One that was fully his. If anyone else shared it with him it needed to be Red and Angry, not Varian and Cass. 

Just imagine if this song came during an episode where he had to watch the girls. Imagine if he was singing it just for them. How much more impactful would that have been? 

Now imagine that we had a Rapunzel and Varian duet in it’s place here. That would have tied the episode together better and helped to further their own stories. Glenn Slater can write lyrics far better than Chris can write dialogue. I bet you a thousand to one Tangled the Series would have solved like half of it’s problems had Menken and Slater been allowed write and actual apology duet between Raps and Varian. 

Such a duet was proposed during Rapunzel’s Return but it could have worked here too, and you could have placed Lance’s solo in Day of the Animals or something, just leave Rapunzel out of that episode all together. 

Nothing honestly needed to be cut music wise, yet for some reason season three has less songs than the other seasons, even when counting the reprises, and they’re mostly shorter too. 

That’s mismanagement right there. Plain and simple. Someone at the top didn’t know how to balance the budget or resources and didn’t know where to the throw the money at. 

You Have a 70 Foot Shield Made of Magic Hair, Rapunzel

You couldn’t think to just block those rocks instead?

Giving your protagonist a big hero moment doesn’t work if they placed the person the have to save in jeopardy to begin with show. 

I Do Not Care About Rapunzel Right Now, Show

Yes, she’s the main character. Yes, her feud with Cass is the main conflict of the season and kicked off the episode. That does not mean that I automatically care about her personal feelings at this moment in time. 

Rapunzel has kept such a tight lid on her real feelings for the whole episode that this just comes out of nowhere. I was never waiting with baited breath for her to confess her deep dark secrets or whatever. 

It’s not even an interesting reveal. It’s just “Oh, see Rapunzel’s human too. She’s gets scared just like everybody else.”. I already fucking knew that, thanks. And what she’s afraid of isn’t even that compelling either; it’s a just a rip off of the prophecy dreams she had back in season one. The same ones that had no explanation and never furthered the story, so why should I care about this one?  

You have to earn the audience’s investment in your conflict. The character’s likability, as little as that may be currently, will only carry you so far, you have to establish shit first.  

Varian’s conflict has been the focus of the entire episode so far, and it’s a conflict that was set all the way back in season one, so of course that is what I’m invested in seeing get resolved. Rapunzel is once again just butting in and making it all about her when it’s not actually her story. 

And if you wanted it to be her story then you should have made her the actual focus to begin with and had her learn something by the end of it. 

This is Poor Choice of Words, Writers 

I could be generous here and pass this off as Rapunzel not fully believing in this prophecy. After all Corona’s destruction is still a hypothetical at this point and Cassandra really has left already. Since the episode is about fear, Rapunzel is of course more afraid of losing Cassandra’s friendship as it’s real tangible possibility. 

More than a possibility even, Rapunzel’s been dumped. Season three is a classic break up story, right down to the poor plotting and tunnel vision, hence why it’s so gay baity. 

However, this reading only carries so far. For starters this is Rapunzel’s what, fourth prophecy dream so far? Haven’t the past three already came true, so why would she think this one wouldn’t? 

Secondly, all that good grace goes right out the window once it becomes clear that, yes, Cassandra is indeed a threat; a threat that Rapunzel refuses to take seriously because she cares more about her own personal validation than her kingdom. 

Even as Cassandra does succeed in destroying Corona, and no doubt harms other people while at it, Rapunzel still is obsessed with ‘winning Cassandra back’. Oh and make no mistake, this is not because she actually cares about Cassandra as a person and her needs or feelings. Nope. Rapunzel just doesn’t like being dumped. 

Why Does Varian Need to Shove His Feelings Aside for Rapunzel’s Bullshit?

Rapunzel’s ‘confession’ has fuck all to do with Varian’s current issues. They do not connect in any way.  

Varian is dealing with real trauma, trauma that she helped cause, while Rapunzel is only dealing with a hypothetical prophecy and one very shallow, self-centered fear. There’s nothing to relate to here. Neither for Varian himself nor the audience. 

Yet for some undefined reason this is what gets Varian to ignore his PTSD flashbacks? What? 

This is once again break the narrative promise. I was promised closure for Varian’s story arc and instead of that the writers just brush it up under the rug. 

From the outside looking in this doesn’t come across as Varian ‘overcoming’ his ‘fear’. It looks like an abuse victim using learned helplessness to placate his abusers.

And yes, for the last time Rapunzel is Varian’s abuser. 

NEGLECT IS ABUSE!!! 

And and even though he is no longer her ‘responsibility’, she is still neglecting him emotionally as his supposed friend. 

Varian’s and Cassandra’s Stories Undermined Each Other’s 

Varian stopped the rocks. Rapunzel had nothing to do with it. Zhan Tiri blaming Rapunzel for it steals agency away from both her and Cassandra. 

However, if Rapunzel had used the hurt incantation to stop the rocks and Cassandra had felt it rom the other side, then you’d have something to back up Zhan Tiri’s claim and an actual point of real conflict to carry the rest of the season. Not to mention an actual tangible goal for Cassandra to work towards, survival. 

Cassandra’s conflict with Rapunzel not only prevents the resolution to Varian’s arc from being satisfying, but Varian fulfilling his arc in turn winds up cutting off Cass’s story at the knees. 

It didn’t have to be this way. Varian’s and Cassandra’s arcs should have complimented each other, but instead the creator decided to make them complete for screen time and relevance. 

It is such an gratingly stupid and petty decision that winds up being a disservice for all the characters involved.   

Cassandra’s motivation and goal should have been revealed back in season two. Varian should have been the sole focus of Rapunzel’s Return and gotten his big hero moment there along; with an actual ending to his conflict with Rapunzel that didn’t feel so lopsided and half assed. Then Rapunzel and Cassandra could have both been held accountable for their conflict in season three, instead of pretending like their shit smelled of roses the whole damn time. 

Lance Got a Whole Crowd Cheering Him On For Singing a Song, Varian Just Gets One Asshole Giving Him a Single Line of Congratulations

Did I mention this show has an odd anti-Varian bias? Cause it does. For whatever reasons his own creators hate him and that’s just utterly baffling to me. Like why create a main character that you don’t like? 

I look down on professional writers who treat characters they didn’t create poorly within their works, like with James Gunn and Scrappy Doo in the Scooby Doo Movie, Adric in the Doctor Who spin offs, or even the treatment of Doofus in Ducktales 2017. I don't care how much a character is liked or disliked by fandom, that shit is just tasteless and often unfunny. But at least I understand where they are coming from when they do it. 

But I’ll never understand what compels a writer to sabotage their own work; one that they are getting paid to write no less. Especially when said character is super popular with their fans. And Chris knows this. He knows the ratings plummeted without Varian in season two. He knows the merch didn’t sell because there wasn’t enough Varian products. That’s why he hyped up Varian’s return a whole week before Season Three’s airing with a massive online campaign, but he wasn’t smart enough to treat the character decently afterwards? 

I mean congrats, you convinced a just enough viewers to come back to season three to keep the show on the air I guess, but you left them all pissed off and have nothing to show for it to the higher ups a Disney. 

And Chris wonders why he wasn’t asked back to work on new Disney princesses shows that are currently in the works. 

That is Not Quirin. That is a Plank of Wood Pretending to be Quirin.

*Beep* *Boop*...*Dad Bot Is Proud. exe* 

Quirin is such a pale shadow of his season one self that he might as well not exist. I genuinely don't know why the writers released from the amber so early if they weren’t actually going to use him until the season finale. 

For the longest time I honestly thought that Rapunzel sucked out his soul with that decay incantation; what with that lyric about “setting the spirit free”. I genuinely thought that would be a later plot point, but nope, it’s just bad writing

Him just saying hi to son once and smiling blankly isn’t compelling and it’s isn’t fulfilling. It doesn’t actually resolve his arc. I mean he’s at least shown spending time with his son, but that’s not enough. We need to see him acknowledge past, we need to see him acknowledge his own flaws, and we need to see him being more attentive when Varian is in need. .  

Season one Quirin would be trying to stop Varian from going near the red rocks, a post season one Quirin should logically go after his son to make sure he’s alright, even if he’s know longer trying to actively stop Varian like he once did. 

There’s also that damn note and it’s secrets! 

You know what? That’s it. That’s the problem. The focus is all wrong in season three. Episodes get pulled into to many directions trying to juggle too many characters rather than dedicating the needed time to each individual arc. 

Season two’s finale should have been a three parter with Cass’s full motivation and goal laid bare before leaving.

Rapunzel’s Return should have been solely about Rapunzel and Varian’s conflict and resolving that arc fully 

Either Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf or Day of the Animals should have been a Lance episode about him and the girl’s, no Rapunzel. 

And this episode should have been about Quirin and Varian resolving their issues, with the Rapunzel and Cass stuff as the B plot not the stupid talent show 

There, all fixed. You don't even have to cut much, just rework the focus and leave Rapunzel and Cassandra out of conflicts they have no business being in. 

This Does Not Excuse Rapunzel’s Later Negligence Regarding Cassandra

Just because the red rocks was an accident doesn’t mean Cassandra should get a free pass for all the awful things she does later. Rapunzel uses this one interaction to excuse everything else Cassandra does in season three, as if she was just some poor lost baby and not a grown ass woman out to kill them. 

In fact Cass showing hesitancy here actually makes her later actions even worse. This means that she fully acknowledges that what she’s about to do is wrong, but goes ahead and does anyway, even gleefully so at times. Then she has to gall to act baffled when people see her as a threat? 0.o 

When fans say Cass isn’t redeemable or shouldn’t be redeemed, it’s not because he actions are so much worse than everybody else’s (even though they are), It’s because she doesn’t act like she wants to be redeemed half the time. The show doesn’t properly set up her ‘redemption’, instead it just lazily has Rapunzel yell at us how she’s ‘not lost’. 

Like below for instance. 

What Does Cass Need Saving From?

Cassandra is not in danger. She is the danger. 

She made the conscious decision to leave taking a world endangering artifact with her, and she later makes the conscious decision to come back and be an asshole for no adequately defined reason. 

She’s never shown to be in any physical danger from the rocks, the moonstone, or even Zhan Tiri herself. She apparently can take care of herself in the wild for over a year. She also has the capability of getting a job else where and just living out her life if she wanted to. Nothing is forcing her to listen to Zhan Tiri. 

Heck, even her hurt arm, the one thing Rapunzel is responsible for and could potentially be a continued threat to Cass’s well being, is just completely forgotten about.

And no, mental illness and past trauma are not excuses as well. In fact it’s rather insulting to both people with mental heath problems and abusive survivors to suggest otherwise. We don't need ‘saving from ourselves’ and we aren’t automatically dangers to anybody. Nor do we get free passes if we hurt someone. A jerk who happens to have a mental illness is just a jerk who so happens to have a mental illness; coloration is not causation. 

Conclusion 

It’s better than Rapunzel’s Return, but this episode was still a disappointment. A small part of me whishes this was a two parter because it has so much untapped potential, but I know it’s just be wasted in Chris’s hands. 

Anyways, I consider this to be the true mid-season finale of S3. Not only did the hiatus kick in after this episode, but it also clearly divides the season between the first half filler and the later Cass conflict. As such the next entry will be the mid-season recap. See ya, then. 

Ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines

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[mybg3notebook]

Does Gale love Mystra?

So far in EA, we have been shown that this is complicated to answer: human love is complex as well as the delirious lore of Forgotten Realms. 

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were written up to the game version v4.1.104.3536 (Early access). As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information. Written in June 2021.

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

The narrative is clear until the party scene which, as I stated many times across these posts, it's a scene that feels a bit inconsistent for me (reasonable since it's EA). But if we follow what the game explicitly shows us, we know that if we send Gale to sleep at the beginning of the Weave scene in which he is watching the incantation with the shape of Mystra, he will say: 

Gale: Long days, yes. And long, lonesome nights.

If Tav knows that the incantation on his palm is Mystra, Gale will explain:

Tav: [insight] You don't have that look on your face when you're looking at “no one” / There's more to it than that. The figure I saw: she means something to you. Gale: [...] I can’t quite describe it, the need I sometimes feel to see her – to draw the filaments of fantasy into existence. [...]

Dev's notes: Passionate. [...] He was recalling Mystra as a lover, but doesn’t say that out loud. [...] Narrator: The Weave evaporates, and as it does so, you realise the night feels suddenly cold and lonesome.

This allows us to infer that, at this moment, Gale is feeling alone and probably very anxious with the oppressing feeling of the "orb" in his chest. The tadpole only increased the number of problems he has, so he resorts to seeing Mystra melancholically. We notice later in the Weave Scene that not having Mystra around increases this feeling of loneliness. The whole scene seems to give us the idea that he still loves her. There is yearning and loneliness in his current situation.

After a moment of passionate description of magic, Gale invites Tav to experience the Weave. The Weave has a particular effect on Gale: "The moment feels intimate. You realise the Weave is making you one." Considering how Gale was feeling while conjuring the incantation, this moment touched him deeply (the narrator implies that this feeling is mutual).

If Tav expresses their romantic interests, Gale will be surprised:

Gale: I.. I didn’t think.. Narrator: You perceive quick-fire gusts of embarrassment, trepidation, and finally.. elation Gale: Sorry, I wasn’t expecting… But it is a pleasant image to be sure! Most pleasant, in fact. Most welcome. Dev's notes: Warm, with real affection.

The narrator is giving us meta-knowledge, we can trust in what she says, and we can see that the situation was truly shocking for Gale. These emotional stages described here made me suspect that Gale is a character who has focused for too long on healing his condition, ignoring any chance for romance. His surprise here may confirm that, in my opinion. He feels embarrassment, a feeling that one can interpret as a sign of the surprise of being thrown into a situation he had not seen beforehand (the death protocol and Gale’s conversations show us that he is a character that thinks ahead). It follows trepidation: fear or anxiety about something that he is going to do or experience. Gale is scared of the possibility. Maybe because he is thinking in the danger he is, maybe because he was already burnt by Mystra's attention and having someone else's attention now makes him feel a bit anxious. And then, the final resolution of the process: elation, which is a feeling of great happiness and excitement about something that has happened. Gale is suddenly excited by the possibility. Something he will be thinking about, many times, for the rest of the EA. 

Tav: So what did you think about what I pictured when we were connected by the Weave? Gale: Oh, I was surprised. But pleasantly so, just like I said. Amid the madness that has befallen us, it seems almost out of place to think of a kiss/ of a romantic walk. And yet... now more than ever, it's important to recall what makes us human. [if Tav is not human] Well- you know what I mean. A stolen glance- that sudden heartbeat... Sometimes the little things are worth more than kingdoms. They promise things to come.

So romance was not something he had even considered until the opportunity arose (this is why he won't pursue a Tav who didn't show romantic interest towards him). I think that, since he is a character always living on the edge of death, he will take this opportunity to feel “human again”: after all, he follows the concept of "living life to the fullest".

During the Loss (see the post of the "Loss Scene"), we know that losing Mystra was a big blow for him. He regrets his decisions of the past in this scene, and it reinforced the idea that he is the only one to blame for Mystra's loss. There is a yearning for the lost Chosen powers, but Gale's context in the majority of his scenes seem to reinforce the idea that he sought power not as a means, but as a goal itself to be closer to Mystra and Magic. Since we are talking about a wizard, his passion lies in magic itself, in being one with the Weave/Magic/Mystra. A Chosen of Mystra is so entangled with the Weave and magic that when they die, they are part of the Weave itself. This is the level of passion that Gale has for Magic, and since Magic can only be performed by most mortals via Weave, and the Weave is Mystra, the whole three concepts are, in fact, one; and it makes it very difficult from a lore point of view to separate them. 

Tav: There's something I don't understand. If Mystra abandoned you, how can you still cast magic? Gale: The Weave is still here, all around us – inside of us too. As long as the goddess lives, magic is a tangible thing for those who know how to touch. I've studied magic for many years, and in as many ways I am still a more than capable wizard. It's just that I'm no longer able to perform those feats even arch wizards would marvel at. To have one hand on the pulse of divinity. You have to remember that the Weave is a living thing, both the embodiment and the extension of Mystra herself.She can give and she can take away. I'm afraid I'm still very much on her naughty list. Consider yourself lucky you're not. 

I personally think Gale will never stop being devoted to Mystra (and won't stop loving her in many ways), because his passion for magic and knowledge is his own life, and Mystra IS those things. He loves magic for the sake of it. So losing this unique contact with magic itself that only Chosen of Mystra have was a terrible punishment for him. His abandonment issues are not just the result of a “guy being left by a girl”. They have an extra complexity because of the nature of Magic in this world and how its deity behaves with her chosen. Gale was not only abandoned by Mystra, but was also removed of a good amount of his capacity to perform magic. If magic “is his life”, the abandonment removed a part of his life away. I think some people miss this point, because, once more, it's related to Forgotten Realm lore and not Dragon Age. Many of these people keep constantly comparing this situation with Dragon Age, which has nothing to do with it. Dragon Age has no wizards, their relationship with Magic is natural, it’s sorcerer-like if we want to compare it, and the relationship with their deities (mostly absent, silent ones) are nothing alike the ones in Forgotten Realm. The context is key, as I repeated several times in these posts and in the one about "Context, persuasion, and manipulation". 

Tav: I don't know what to make of what you've told me, but I sympathise. Gale: Thank you. [no romantic weave] I want you to know that you’re a good friend. [romantic weave] I often think of that moment we shared together – one under the Weave. I hope you think about it too. /I'm glad to know you think about it too.

Narrator: You sense a moment of unspoken affection. You want to know where it may lead. Gale: I consider myself very lucky to have found you Tav: I think perhaps we could be more than friends Gale: Perhaps. 

Tav: You said you think about the moment we shared under the weave. Do you think about it often? Gale: Do you? 1-2-Tav: Yes / From time to time. Gale: So do I. 3- Tav: Not really. Gale: And yet you ask. I do, as a matter of fact.

Gale: You see. I'm not a big believer in fate, but I do believe in serendipity. Life is a tempest of events that sometimes we brace against and sometimes embrace. You're one such event that one day soon perhaps I'd like to embrace.

So after sharing this regret during the Loss scene, Gale will show affection if Tav remains friendly during the Weave (but Gale will never directly engage it, he is waiting for Tav to give the first step; understandable if we consider he also has a dangerous bomb in his chest, so he may be torn between wanting to, but knowing he should not to). If there is no interest in pursuing romance, he will show a gesture of gratitude for being a good friend during that night of regrets. 

If pursuing the romance, we can interpret that Gale, at this point, even though he is still struggling with all the emotions that Mystra inspires, wants to experience something more “human”, a romance with a mortal. We know for sure that Gale is getting interested, slowly, while thinking about it, since in each of the following scenes he will ask (or Tav will ask) about that “moment in the Weave”. He has been thinking about it for many nights, and he is “embracing” the idea. 

If Gale is treated with judgement (despite not knowing his whole story) or allowing him to keep the secret of what or who he lost, we will obtain lines likes:

Gale: Good. Goodnight. And thank you for your patient understanding. // And try not to think too poorly of me. A cat can look at a king. A wizard can look at a goddess.

Tav: Another fool pays for his arrogance. A tale as old as time. Gale: Arrogance? Ambition, rather. And ambition is a fine thing – until suddenly it no longer is. Then again, if that is how you judge me, there’s little I can do to change your mind. But know that I have this ambition still. First to save myself, and after that, the licence to dream. (Gale Disapproval)

We could interpret these lines as the only ones so far that may suggest that Gale is still wanting something from the goddess. We know due to the tadpole dreams that Gale’s desire is Mystra. On the comments of the second tadpole dream we know more details about his major desire: it is not just Mystra, but her forgiveness.

Tav: Gale, who is the apparition in your dreams? Gale: She's... It doesn't matter. I just know her to be unreal. Tav: What's impossible about what you're been shown? Gale: Forgiveness Tav: Gale, who is the apparition in your dreams? Gale: It's indeed Mystra I see. And yet it cannot be her. There was a time when I would have believed - but no longer. I told you that I lost her. Lost her favour and lost so many of the powers I took for granted. What magic I can still weave is met only with undercurrents of disappointing silence. Mystra has not changed her mind about me. That's how I know our dreams are delusions.

I think this scene shows the difference between a standard desire for power as a means, and power for the sake of power itself (since this power allows Gale to be one with the Weave). The scene is ambiguous enough to see it as Gale wanting to return to Mystra’s side as well as remaining as an ardent devotee of her (because she is magic herself). I keep repeating that these scenes show that Gale’s most important thing in his life is Magic, which is Mystra: the extension and the embodiment of magic. So his desire for her seems impossible to be extinguished completely. In previous scenes we saw that he certainly had thought through the idea of loving her more like a devotee than a lover, but certainly the weight of being his first love will remain, especially since she is deeply related to magic itself.

During the Party Scene we find some information about his feelings for Mystra. 

I personally ponder the book of Amn’s description as very important because, from a narrative point of view, it's a lot of lines/content that, if they were not important, tend to be removed from the script. If they are there, they are meant to be interpreted. For this reason those lines mean to me that Gale has finally embraced the idea of having something important with a mortal. In my post of the "Party Scene" I go into details, but here I will stick to the interpretation related to Mystra: all what Gale numerates in that book are things that he could not access to with a Goddess. Curiously, part of those descriptions are things that make humans human, so I personally think it reinforces Gale's intention in heading into this romance with the eagerness of finding some shelter (never forget the “orb” has a constant oppressing effect in him, increasing his anxiety and fears) and to experience (maybe for the first time) the love of a mortal.

So, for some assumptions made in the post of the "Party Scene", we suspect that Gale needs to share a night to feel confident enough to speak the details of his “orb” condition. Since he wants this relationship to be strong (after all, he implied commitment during the description of the book) he speaks about the true origin of the “orb” immediately after that night, starting with Mystra (which is, after all, the true origin of his folly). Depending on the version that Tav picks, we have extra information provided by Gale about his emotions for the Goddess:

Tav: What did Mystra’s attention feel like? Gale: Love. Perhaps it was not quite love, but you see, the wizard was but a very young man. It was most certainly love to him. [...] One day all too soon, the whispers stopped. The goddess spurned the mortal. [...] and the wizard was left behind heartbroken. Tav: I hate to say it, but he really could have seen this coming Gale: He was blinded by love. Good stories are rife with lovers’ follies after all.

[Short Version] Gale: Before long Mystra tired of me. What was I after all but a mortal plaything in sacred hands? You have to realise I was heartbroken. I was a young man, she was my first love. I thought it would last forever. I vowed to win her back.

[after explaining the mistake of the “orb”] Gale: It is this folly that led Mystra to abandon me completely. I can only hope you won’t abandon me as well. After all we’ve been through.. After the night we spent together. Surely we can brave even this side by side

Gale is giving a very detailed context about his love for Mystra: she was his first love, and the first love tends to have a special weight in a person's life and their memories. That doesn't mean the person has become unable to build more relationships for the rest of their life. If we add the fact that he was very young when all this happened (more details in the Post "Gale Hypotheses- Part 1") we find him under two effects: the impression of the first love and the naivety of the youth. Both elements made him believe it was a love that was going to last forever. With a Goddess, no less.

Besides, Gale expresses this, highlighting his naivety and foolishness: he is aware of how silly he was back then, and how impossible it could be for a mortal to keep the love of a goddess. He is a pragmatic and realistic character, after all. He recognizes in the end that he was just a mortal plaything for her. 

I think these pieces of information give us a very clear context of his emotional state: he is still nostalgic for Mystra because of all the reasons I enumerated above; she is also more than just a woman, she is Magic itself. But he is aware that those emotions were the consequence of a very naïve and young self that has awakened by the burden of his own mistakes. There is also a reinforcement of “forever”, which recalls the concept of commitment that Gale pursues so much in his romance: he is not there just for the sex “intimacy”, he is there for serious commitment, maybe because he doesn't want to experience another abandonment. After all, we are talking about a character with a profile that shows abandonment issues (see the post of "Gale Hypotheses- Part 1", section: "Abandonment Issues")

[If rejected] Tav: No. This is too large a betrayal. GALE: I see. I am sorry. I am sorry that it had to come to this. All that’s left to say is farewell. Dev’s notes: hurt but understanding Gale: Farewell. (Leaves) Dev’s notes: A slight hesitation, hurt but understanding. He makes a polite little bow, then we see him walk away.

[If accepted] Gale: I don’t know what I did to deserve the magic that you do. 

Despite being terribly cheesy, this last line shows that Gale was more than convinced that Tav would abandon him because he doesn’t deserve Tav. This is why he doesn't put up much fight if Tav chooses to tell him to leave. He will try to make Tav listen to his story, and once it's done, the verdict will fall and he will accept it. He learnt his lesson with Mystra. This line also shows how everything important around Gale is or has to be worded with magic, even a silly metaphor like this is related with the word “magic”: Tav's acceptance is like magic. For him, as important and good as magic itself.

As if that were not enough, after the scene there is a comment in which Gale will reinforce his gratitude for Tav's acceptance:

Tav: If you ever feel the netherese magic overtaking you, what will you do? Gale: If it should ever come to that... if I ever know I am no longer able to stop it... I will do anything I can to ensure no one but me pays for my mistakes. I will find the remotest place on the surface of Faerûn, or perhaps far below in the depths of the Underdark. I will await that death alone. [*] I promise I will not betray your trust... You kept me by your side despite the menace that I am. If worst comes to worst, I will be gone long before the curtain falls.  [*] If romanced, Gale will say here "I cherish you."

Which makes me suspect that Gale can disappear at any moment (in full game) if for some game mechanics we are unable to get magical artefacts but the deal with Raphael did not happen (if that’s even possible). But that's just me speculating. Nothing in EA seems to suggest this. What i's clear is that acceptance—that strong concept in the book he put so much emphasis on—is really important to him, so he shows gratitude for that: he promises to protect Tav (and many innocents) from his own mistake. He also says pretty soon an equivalent of “I love you”, in a more formal/meaningful way: “to cherish” is not just to love, but to care/protect as well. 

Finally, in case someone lost those hints, or maybe as a consequence of this unpolished scene, we have a direct question with a direct answer:

Tav: Gale, are you still in love with Mystra? Gale: I’ll be honest with you; I don’t know. She is my muse still, the embodiment of magic, but the embodiment of love? Only if we ever meet again will I know

Gale simply says what we have been inferring so far with all the previous information: Gale reinforces the idea that he will remain as a strong, loving devotee of Mystra, because she is magic. I personally don't even consider it possible to remove that love from him. He may not be a cleric, but he loves his deity as one. But he also learnt his lesson that loving gods has its own dire consequences for mortals. He is very aware of it during the discussion about Karsus:

Tav: Nothing good ever comes from mortals wanting to be gods. 

Gale: Loving them has its side effects as well. Now, so many centuries later, I tried to follow in the footsteps of Karsus, not to destroy Mystra, but to prove my love for her. It tried to control only a fraction of the magic that was unleashed that fateful day. I merely sought to return one tiny diamond to an imperfect crown. Gale's Folly one might call it. History. Repetition. It's the way things go.

Once more, there is no scene where Gale doesn't reinforce that what he did was a mistake, a foolish action, a Folly. 

Finally, if talking about a previous lover immediately after awakening with a new one was of poor taste, Gale acknowledges this, giving an honest apology:

Gale: Before we go on though, do first let me apologise. To share such a night with you only to tell you of a previous lover the next morning... It wasn't the most gentleman-like behaviour. But I had to finally tell you. Silence would have been far worse behaviour still. Nevertheless, I am sorry.

He accepts any rude response or lash-out from Tav without approval penalties. This is an interesting meta-knowledge that speaks about owning up to his mistakes. Unlike the Loss scene, where rude responses made Gale disapprove because Tav was judging him without knowing the whole story [16], in this scene he doesn’t. Now Tav has the whole picture, and he accepts whatever reaction Tav shows. Of course he will approve a forgiving Tav, since Gale is a character very related to forgiveness [12, 12b].

Conclusion: 

So, answering the question that gives title to this section: yes. In my opinion, Gale loves Mystra. But it’s not a white-and-black love; it has the complexity of human love mixed with this crazy lore of deities in Forgotten Realms. I believe Mystra will always be part of Gale's life, because the Weave and magic are his life, and she is both. He will always love her as a devotee, even though he now understands the mistakes of his young self and seems more aware of how naive he was when he was a “very young man”. The comments on the second tadpole dreams explicitly show that what Gale wants the most is Mystra’s forgiveness, but at the same time, he knows that he does not deserve it. And this raw realistic view of himself is what makes him understand that those dreams are illusions. During the party scene he is uncertain about his emotions, but still he emphasises that there is a big chance for him to not see Mystra as the embodiment of love any more but reinforces that she will always be the embodiment of magic to him (a very important concept in his character design). 

Whether Gale is romanced or not, I don't see a difference in the information he shares on this matter in EA.

This post was written in June 2021. → For more Gale: Analysis Series Index

[beevean]

SEGA and its most recent Sonamy side – more canon than ever

[Translator’s note: this article was originally written in Spanish by @latin-dr-robotnik​]

Hello again! Today we’d like to discuss about something that’s been happening recently, and probably taking Sonic fans by surprise: what is going on with SEGA and its stance about Sonamy?

At the beginning of this year, to celebrate the 200 articles on Seaside Hill Paradise, I finished what I call “the Sonamy trilogy” of articles that I started in 2018 and which cover different themes, such as:

SEGA and the eternal issue of the Sonic-Amy dynamic

“I love you” – Forbidden words in Sonic

SEGA and the eternal issue of “Sonic’s girlfriend”

The idea was to offer a more-or-less complete analysis about the many facets of their dynamic in the last 27 years; a dynamic that, you may have noticed, is not that easy to pin down, and that we’ve been updating almost regularly (although I also intended to investigate on other dynamics, like Knuckles and Rouge’s for example, and write about them). Generally speaking, in these articles I don’t draw objective conclusions about the status of the ship in canon (despite the fact that the available information tends to confirm it in various occasions). I also like to repeat myself and say that shipping is supposed to be for fun, not for tearing each other’s hair in that black hole of misery that is Twitter, but recent events left us slightly perplexed, and this is why we’re here once again.

We left the status of the Sonamy canonicity with these two peculiar instances back in August: Sonic mentioning his “girlfriend” in the Japanese version of Sonic Battle, and the Twitter account of SEGA of Europe saying Sonamy is their “favorite videogame romance”. Now, let’s recap a bit…

Sonamy in Sonic IDW... Round 3

[SPOILERS ALERT FOR IDW SONIC #14-#35]

In 2018, when IDW just started, I decided to study a little how the Sonamy dynamic worked in this new universe. To our surprise, the comic didn’t waste time in dropping its biggest bomb, in one of the cutest scenes we had seen in ages. Since the very beginning, IDW proved that it didn’t intend to deceive those fans that looked for a bit of development of both characters.

I wrote an article about it in June 2019, and it coincided with the beginning of one of the most infamous arc I’ve seen in a Sonic comic for a long time: the Metal Virus Saga. The question is, what has happened since then?

Well, in 2019, with the same accuracy of an aimbot, I said “We’ll probably see some new interactions between Sonic and Amy sometime around IDW #20”. And wouldn’t you know, as misery and tragedy settled in that arc, it was exactly around IDW #20 that we saw some Sonamy interactions: both exhausted, to their limit, with a Sonic that couldn’t even touch Amy to soothe her pain, due to him being infected with the virus.

The arc developed like this in what felt like an eternity, to finally conclude in one the most absurd ways in Sonic history. But it wasn’t a complete disappointment, as, after months and months of asking and discussing on the internet about how much Sonic and Amy deserved a hug at the end of the arc… it actually happened.

Since that moment in IDW #32, we shippers thought that it was what both of them deserved after so much time spent separated and pushed to their limit to survive, but also that after the end of the arc everything would go back to normal. However, what we didn’t know was that the Sonamy train had no intention of stopping, not in IDW, nor anywhere else.

A recurring detail in IDW Sonic is that Amy’s tail starts wagging every time she sees Sonic, as if she was a happy dog. I swear, it happens every time.

Come IDW #35, once again we have some hugs and bits of dialogue between our hedgehogs. For sure, the question here isn’t their relationship itself, as it was for IDW #2, but rather the issues this arc is slowly dealing with. But it’s really nice to see them again, sharing that closeness that they’ve had in the comic since the beginning– be it with some gestures of affection, a wink, a gesture, a private joke.

My favorite image is the first one, Belle’s reaction to seeing Amy hugging Sonic. It’s like she’s thinking “oh, is she his girlfriend?”, and she wouldn’t even be wrong in thinking that.

It can’t be denied that IDW Sonic provided us the conversations and the emotions that the games seldom do. Certainly, the comic has its share of issues and it’s not really a story that I personally follow for its own merits (it’s more because it’s still Sonic, for my interest for things like this, and Belle’s existence… whom I already ship with Tails, sorry not sorry), but what it does well it does really well.

For now, we have to see how IDW Sonic will follow the development of the characters, especially in view of the closure of the current story and beyond. And we may be done with this part of the article, but there is still a lot left.

Sonamy in merchandise

Taking us completely by surprise, recently SEGA launched, in collaboration with Hot Topic, a series of Sonamy-themed t-shirts. No, seriously.

So many people told me this as soon as the voice spread (you know who you are, thank you guys for thinking about me <3), and I can’t help being still surprised that this is actually a thing. T-shirts with lines like “You’re my favorite”, “Love in the fast lane”, and my personal favorite, “S&A Forever”, with drawings of Classic Sonic and Amy… in SEGA-approved products. I don’t know if you realize how much of a big deal this is, even more than “Celebrate the 25 years of Sonic’s girlfriend” from 2018.

One of the things that surprised me the most (aside from how explicit they are in officializing the relationship, and the fact that there are still 2 months left before Valentine’s Day 2021), was the decision to use Classic Sonic and Classic Amy. I tried to understand this decision by analyzing the simplicity and easiness with which the Classic designs convey a message (let’s not forget that Classic Sonic was so iconic because it was specifically designed to convey his expressions without words), besides the fact that they’re inherently cuter than their modern designs. There’s also the controversial aspect of post-Adventure Sonamy, with all the dubbing and weird interpretations that the fandom made over the years… By comparison, the Classic design are a much simpler choice.

What is actually going on?

Well, let’s take a step back and think about what we just saw. The way SEGA has been recently trying to push Sonic and Amy in front view (and for the entirety of 2020, based on the articles I mentioned in the beginning) tells us the harsh truth we all have to accept sooner or later: Sonamy sells, and it sells a lot.

From a strictly business point of view, the ship is so iconic and popular, with fans and detractors alike, that it would be absurd for SEGA to ignore the chance to print these two characters and get a load of money. As I said in my 2018 article, despite the fact that in Japan Sonic isn’t as big of an icon as it is elsewhere, they know pretty well that Sonic + Amy = love, and they have huge amounts of merchandise to back it up. It’s in the West that because of different cultural values, of which we’ve already talked about, along with some internal resistance, left this aspect of the franchise a little on the side. But they’ve been trying to fix it… and how…

Let’s not forget that a decade and a half ago Sonic Team seriously favored Sonamy. They officially said it, Sonic X was their purest view of Sonic they had at the time.

Outside of the business perspective, I believe we’re facing the moment that we’ve been waiting for: it’s time they’ll establish once and for all the dynamic of these two characters, following more closely the original Japanese vision of Sonic. I said many times that, in trying to change canon, the West, especially SEGA of America, did nothing but confuse fans and generate more discussions than needed, by introducing different data and portrayals that contradict the canon established by Sonic Team.

We’ve talked about Unleashed and emotional support, about Sonic X, about the major moments that opened the door to interpreting this dynamic as something more. We don’t threaten at gunpoint those who would rather stay away, but we respond to those declarations that still try to violently discredit the simple fact that Sonic and Amy, who are most of all close friends, form in some measure a couple that, even with its imposed limitations, manages to captivate fans and not fans everywhere in the world. Even the Simpsons used it as a joke, and that says a lot.

What the future has in store for us.

Unless something else happens in this last month of 2020, this is the most complete compilation I can offer at the moment about the status of Sonamy in the fandom and in the official canon. Yes, canon.

It’s impossible to ignore the signals. As you may have noticed, I’ve been considering Sonic and Amy as an official couple, with its clarifications (for example, that at the end it’s more of a friendship, that it’s not a romantic relationship in the most explicit way, that it’s more of a personal perspective to justify a more mature vision of the relationship in the future, not right now), but nowadays I think that SEGA has spoken loud and clear. I think canon is ready to negotiate the idea that Sonic and Amy, apart from being excellent friends who would risk their lives for each other in a heartbeat, have something else on their hands (probably the other’s hand). This won’t automatically translate into a kiss, or a complete love declaration (although Sonic X came close…), or a commitment to a formal relationship like we know them in real life. SEGA canon affirms that Amy is “Sonic’s girlfriend” and nothing more. Outside of that detail, they still pretty much function as friends interacting with a little flirting here, and a little Sonic running away there. It’s the basis of their dynamic, now enhanced by the fact that SEGA is giving us a clearer message.

I think that this all may culminate in a game or an animated series, but I wouldn’t completely count on that. It is good to recognize how far the official position goes on this issue, but at the same time I want to reaffirm that there are things that are better left in the hands of the fandom, and in the meantime that IDW or any other continuity gives us hugs, winks, gestures and words of encouragement, we as the fandom will take care of exploring other avenues and hypothetical scenarios.

This is all I have to say on the matter for now, and I hope you’re happy with this wonderful Sonamy experience we’re going through – I certainly am. See you next time!

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book

10:30 pm, sunday, nov 14, 2021

what's up gamers, it's been approx. two thousand years (actually a month) but i am alive, i am consuming media, and i am going to tell you about it under the cut. this is a long one!

reading please believe me when i say i had written out an extremely good and thoughtful take on mxtx's novel tiān guān cì fú (heaven official's blessing), specifically for you, @viciousmerlin, and that because i am somehow still very bad at this, i managed to delete the whole thing. very frustrating! anyway, loved it, took forever to finish it, the last quarter or so draaaagged which i do blame in part on the fact that it was being released serially at that part (and also that the slow burn had...slow burnt up to such a pitch by the cave of 1000 gods that any flashback or sideplot at that point was torturous); i know there was a whole secondary arc with some new characters and shit introduced but i have absolutely no memory of it apart from ruoye's incredibly sad backstory; still, we stan a plot that manages to introduce a rigid and completely impenetrable heavenly hierarchy and then deconstructs it, and there is at least one unwritten essay in me about face covering in this (masks! bandages! facial expressions that are or are not sincere! kisses?) and also probably ascent / descent/ leaping /falling/ flying/ leaps of faith and or love? we love to invert a rigid value system, xie lian actually is as worldly-wise and damaged as you think and it only made him kind but then, also, i did contract serious hua cheng brain rot after the whole 'teach him to roll dice properly' thing and it has yet to let up. the way xl just! starts trusting him with literally no reason and is never proven wrong! is very good to me, personally!

in my earlier draft of this post i listed a bunch of the things i was reading around the margins of trying to finish tgcf, and i will recreate it at a later date, but consider: i am tired.

watching finally gave the anya taylor joy emma a fair trial, having more or less forgiven it for not being the romola garai + johnny lee miller mini series. i will give atj this, she does a better job than i feared from all the promo material (wherein she only had a single facial expression-- in the film she has several!), but the best part of this film was a) the soundtrack b) bill fucking nighy c) miranda? the older i get, the more i feel for miss bates. i fucking loved elton and mrs. elton, they were absurd, i loved it. i knew i liked johnny flynn as a folk singer already, and thought he actually did a passable job as knightley, but they did him a disservice with the hair/sideburns combo, it covered most of his face and left his pouty lips as a weird focal point, which was distracting. there's an unwritten essay in me about the decision to associate certain scenes/classes with italianate / classical music, and others with trad music / raucous folk harmonies, without then having any real time spent around the classes who are implicated in those harmonies, but consider: i am tired.

also started watching succession and this Sure is a Show, but four episodes into s1 and i can usually pull the correct name for the correct roy- male and just want to watch sarah snook work. tom and greg are Way Too Much already but they are, individually and together, the kind of traffic accident you can't look away from. actually, i could apply that to roman too. the recny ball just happened, to give everyone context.

listening i've had the newest album by autoheart on infinite loop almost since it dropped a few weeks ago-- initially it wasn't doing a lot for me, not being punch (2013), but as i have listened more to the album as a whole, stuff has clicked. there are more bleeps and bloops, synths and bass lines, it almost hits an abba-esque place every once in a while, which of course means it slaps, and the lyricism and unexpected melodiousness (?) is all still there. the single i know that he loves me captures this pretty well:

(the religious trauma/gay devotion is certainly a big part of the video but also, if the 'he' in the lyrics is a certain ghost king who is there and gone but unquestioningly devoted, this becomes a hualian anthem and on this hill i will plant my flag) and that led me to consider the album more carefully. other stand-out tracks right now are:

into the woods (slow and easy tempo, shimmering sort of up-beat texture, the lyrics are Good but also Very Real, there's a repetition of 'i feel fine, i feel fine' which is a useful mantra lately)

perestroika (instrumental! incredible! cinematic! makes me feel like i'm standing on top of a mountain in a sunrise!)

time machine (the chorus is a good-sad that i don't necessarily relate to but don't not relate to, I forgive, you forget me, that's just how it has to be)

already gone (melodic! melancholy! i love the focus on little things about someone, the way the music itself builds. either a wangxian anthem or a hualian anthem depending on the hour, ugh the devotion is very much)

playing nothing really-- dnd resumes tomorrow!

making i need to...mend things and also put the garden/yard to bed for the winter and neither of those things is happening. i got halfway into the prep for a cooking project yesterday and just...put it on hold...when will my hands-on-project ability return from war...

working on spent much of the last month stressing about, and the majority of the last week actually drafting, the diss proposal which will ideally govern what i spend the next 2-5 years (please god more on the 2 side) of my life working on. so that's...a thing... i have also got a shitload of grading to still finalize, i did a first pass of my thoughts and then got so demoralized i had to fart around reading ridiculous fanfic for like 36-48 hours to recover. my eyeballs feel a bit scalded now but what can you do, just write in the comments section of an essay 'this is poorly written and it made me sad to read'?

[ithinkweallsing]

Happy Birthday Remus

A/N- So I found out last night that it was Lupin’s birthday today (3/10) and that prompted me to bang this out at about 11 pm last night. Kind of a weird post after nothing for a month and kind of a shit post, but here it is, enjoy!

Summary- Remus wanted to forget that it was his birthday, but you and the Marauders had other ideas. 

TW- mentions of food, and slight mentions of alcohol/cursing and self-confidence issues. 

WC- about 2K

____

“Y/n? I got the butter and the sugar, but I don’t know why we need it because I thought we got take-away.”

Remus’ eyes widened at the sight of his friends and family in your small home and he dropped the reusable canvas bag you insisted on using as he closed the door behind him. You stood in the front of everyone else with a slightly nervous smile.

“Surprise! Happy birthday Remus!” everyone shouted.

“We all wanted to celebrate together,” you said.

“Yeah mate, Y/n told us that you were going to do boring old take-away alone for your big 24, and me and ol’ Prongsie here thought, ‘Well that’s just unacceptable, Moony will not be letting his birthday pass quietly,’” Sirius said, giving Remus a glass of something that smelled far too strongly of liquor.

“So, we helped Y/n get you out of the house, and with the help of this bad boy,” James added, swinging his wand around, “we got the place in tip-top shape,” he finished, taking a swig from his own glass.

“I hope you don’t mind, they really wanted to celebrate with you,” You rushed to explain, “and I know that you wanted to keep it small this year but-”

“Thank you, y/n,” Remus cut you off, gently placing his hand in yours with a smile.

“Hey now, don’t forget about the rest of us mate,” James cut in with an indignant huff. Lily quickly swatted his head. “Oi Evans!” he complained, rubbing the back of his head. She responded with a shake of her head and a small, exasperated smile.

“Although there isn’t anything special about 24, I appreciate you doing this for me,” Remus said.

“Happy birthday Remus. Fair warning, they went a little overboard, you know how Sirius is with balloons,” Lily whispered, engulfing him in a hug.  

You smiled and led Remus past your entryway into the living room. His eyes widened at the sight he was presented with.

Forest-green balloons with streamers trailing from them littered the ceiling, with bunches at every doorway and window. There were large bunches of flowers and greenery on the tables and most of the flat surfaces in your home. Light shone from the fire in the fireplace and the strings of lights draped around the room. It made your home look enchanting, like a scene from a fairy-tale. Soft music flowed from seemingly everywhere as his eyes took in the scene around him.

“Wow.”

“Right? Let me tell you those balloons, man. Every single one of them, Y/n showed me how to do it without the charm and I must say, it’s much better the muggle way, and your girl has got a pair of lungs mate,” Sirius said, nudging Remus.

You grinned in response. “Oh please, it wasn’t that bad, Sirius just doesn’t want to admit that he almost fainted 10 minutes into blowing them up”.

Sirius looked at you aghast. “How dare you, I told you that I was having allergies.”

James chuckled. “Sure, just keep telling yourself that mate.”

Everyone laughed and James and Lily started passing out glasses to the others as people started chatting and catching up among themselves.

Life had been hectic, and it’d been too long since everyone had gotten together. Soon the space was filled with voices and laughter as people conversed.

People came up to him with birthday wishes which he accepted graciously. Remus slid one hand around your waist and held you to his side, and his glass in the other. On your hip, he drew soothing circles as you mingled. You leaned into him as you talked with Alice, and him with Frank.

The table was full of various dishes that people brought. You hadn’t wanted Remus to feel awkward opening gifts, so instead you had opted for a potluck style; instead of gifts, people brought food. The mouth-watering smells from the table had you and Remus eagerly filling your plates, complimenting those that brought the delicious food.

“Ugh, I need to get that recipe from Alice, these are to die for,” you said, as you took a bite of roast potatoes with a hum of satisfaction.

Remus agreed, nodding with his mouth full of garlic bread. You couldn’t resist giving him a kiss on the cheek. He looked at you, swallowed and smiled. He started to say, “Y/n, I” when he got interrupted, or rather, distracted by something. You turned to see what caused Remus to stop mid-sentence and couldn’t help bursting out laughing. Sirius and James were half-dancing in the living room. Arms flailing and legs awkwardly bending, James looked like a drowning bird. Sirius jumped around, strangely on-beat with him.

“Oh god, I hope Lily sees this,” you said, laughing and tears running down your face.

Remus roared with laughter, half at their antics and half at your response. “Oh, I don’t think she’ll let either of them forget it for a long time,” he said with a shit-eating grin.

You eventually composed yourselves enough to finish your food and you took both of your plates to the sink to clean later. When you returned, Sirius and James were attempting to force Remus to dance with them.

He looked at them with uncertainty, then downing the rest of his drink, stood to follow them, but not before stepping back to peck your forehead.

“Go, I’m excited to see you dance Rem,” you said with a twinkle in your eye.

He followed James and Sirius to the makeshift dance floor, joining the small group gathered, and you watched fondly from your seat, sipping your drink.

Eventually, Lily and Marlene took you to the kitchen to prepare Remus’ last surprise.

Returning to your previously-occupied seat, Remus glanced around, wondering where you had disappeared to. He took a sip from a fresh drink and looked around for you, coming up empty-handed.

Suddenly, James and Sirius appeared around him again.

Sirius loudly banged the side of his glass with a spoon. “Attention everyone!” he shouted. “We just wanted to thank everyone for coming to Remus’ party and for all your contributions and we wanted everyone to personally help wish him happy birthday with-”

You and Lily came out balancing a massive chocolate cake, with ‘Happy Birthday Remus’ written on it in and 24, tiny, green birthday candles on the top.

James began slowly singing, “Happy birthday to you…”

Everyone joined in. “Happy birthday to you!”

“Happy birthday dear Remus.” He saw you sing softly, with a smile and furrowed brow on your face as you concentrate on moving the cake to the table.

“Happy birthday to you.” The song finishes with you and Lily placing the cake in front of him.

He thought for a second, what could he possibly wish for when everything he needed was standing in front of him, waiting with anticipation for him to blow out his rapidly-melting candles.

I wish that I can remember this, this moment, this family, and this feeling for the rest of my life, he thought to himself. He quickly blew out the candles and everyone cheered.

The cake was cut and passed around and there was a lull in conversation as people grabbed their cake and settled down.

“Y/n you made this?” James asked once everyone was seated on the floor with a piece of cake.

You chuckled at his incredulous look. “Yup, that was me, I can’t cook, but I have perfected this cake and that’s about it.”

Remus sighed in content. “You haven’t made this cake in so long I almost forgot how good it was”.

Gasping, you set your cake down dramatically. “Oh no, that’s a sign of a serious problem here. You’re already forgetting things,” you finished with a playful roll of your eyes.

Everyone laughed at your exchange, and Remus pulled you closer to him. There was a smudge of chocolate icing on the corner of his soft, pink lips and you couldn’t resist kissing the chocolate off.

“My eyes! At least wait until the party is over!” Sirius exclaimed, laughing as you flipped him off in response.

The rest of the night was spent talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of your friends.

At the end of the night, everyone else had left and James, Lily, and Sirius were just finishing saying their goodbyes, putting their coats on, and giving both of you one last tight hug. They ducked out and smiled as the door swung closed behind them.

You and Remus stood in the front hall with his arms wrapped around you as you stayed still in the after-party quiet. At some point, the music had changed to smooth jazz which now enveloped you as you embraced. Neither of you spoke; there was no need to.

Minutes, hours, later you reluctantly pulled away from him to begin cleaning up from the party. You cleared discarded plates and glasses, stacking them and with a wave of your wand as they began to wash themselves and organize neatly on the drainboard. Remus joined you and you worked in comfortable silence. There actually wasn’t much to do because Lily had insisted on doing most of towards the end of the night.

“Lily put that trash bag away, it can wait until later.”

“Y/n, I’m just going to do a quick sweep and pick up some of the rubbish for the bin.”

“I see that, and I told you to put it down. I’ll do it after the party, come on, lets go join the boys.”

She reluctantly put the bag away but waved her wand on the way out for the leftovers to tidy themselves and settle in the fridge.

Shortly after, you and Remus settled on the couch together, watching the dying fire. You cuddled into his side.

He tilted your head up to look at you. His gaze was adoring and soft.

“Thank you, Y/n, for this,” he murmured. “It wasn’t what I was expecting but I am so grateful that you did it.”

You smiled at him softly. “Of course, Rem - I hope you liked it. I know that you don’t like celebrating your birthday but-” You take a deep breath. “You deserve this and so much more. You deserve to enjoy and look forward to your birthday and celebrate with your friends, with me.”

You paused for a moment, just taking him in. The slight scars across the nose dusted with freckles. His piercing eyes that could never decide on one color to be. “I love you so much Rem, and I can’t wait for more birthdays and Christmas’ and everything in between with you,” you continued earnestly, eyes full of hope and love.

He looked at you with tears shining in his eyes. “I love you too y/n. You have given me more than I think I deserve.”

“I-”

“Please let me finish,” he said, cutting your protest short. He paused before saying, “Because of you, I have learned how to love and that I am worthy of your love, or any love. I don’t promise that I’ll believe it every day, but you make me want to try. You make me want to try and be more than what I think of myself on the full moon and you make me want to believe that I am more.” He took a deep breath and looked at you wearily, as if he were worried about how you would respond.

You didn’t want him to worry. There was nothing for him to worry about. Instead of responding, you wrapped your arms around his waist and crushed him to you, forcing the love that you felt into him without words. He returned the embrace just as tight, willing the same thing.

It truly was a happy birthday, Remus thought to himself.

_____

Taglist- @snapefiction @newa0810 @probably-peeves

[chicgeekgirl89]

Home is Us

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand, Owen Strand, Judd Ryder, Tommy Vega, Mateo Chavez

Summary: In the aftermath of the condo fire, Carlos and T.K. seek comfort in one another. Post ep for 2x12 "The Big Heat."

A/N: This is my rather belated post ep for 2x12. And it would not have happened without @bluenet13. Literally. I agonized over this SO MUCH and she listened to all my whining and didn't let me cut the part about Marlon Blendo so I owe her everything.

AO3

The night air was cool and still, the stars sparkling brightly in the sky, but the stench of smoke obliterated any sense of peace or calm. T.K. could feel Carlos’ hand gripping his shoulder with bruising force as they burst out the front doors and onto the lawn, both of them gasping and coughing.

Tommy came running toward them. “Are you all right?” she asked urgently, eyes and hands searching for damage. “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m, I’m okay,” T.K. choked out. “Carlos?”

He shook his head, coughing violently. “I’m fine too.”

“T.K.!”

His dad came charging toward him, wrapping him up a fierce hug. “Oh my god,” he breathed into T.K.’s hair and then his other arm was pulling Carlos in too, squeezing them both with every bit of strength he had. “Are you boys all right?”

“We’re good, Dad,” T.K. said, even though he was shaking violently, adrenaline coursing through his veins so fast he felt lightheaded. “What the hell? How did you guys even know we were in trouble?”

“Raymond said something earlier today and I just put the pieces together,” Owen said. “I’m so sorry, I should have figured it out sooner.”

There were sirens screaming up now, ambulances and firetrucks, and Tommy put a hand on Owen’s shoulder. “Okay, there will be time to talk about this later. Right now all of you need to get checked out by the paramedics. No objections,” she said quickly when several mouths opened to protest. “A little oxygen never hurt anybody. Come on now.”

T.K. moved follow her and then realized Carlos wasn’t behind him. He turned to find his boyfriend still rooted to the spot, staring straight ahead at the burning building. “Babe?” T.K. reached for his arm.

Carlos startled at his touch and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

He was quiet as they sat on the back of the ambulance, answering questions with yes or no answers, eyes and body listless as they checked him over for injuries. T.K. had never seen his boyfriend look so small. 

They were both given oxygen and then Tommy reappeared, blankets in hand that she wrapped comfortingly around their shoulders, her mom tendencies coming out in full force. “Is everyone else all right?” T.K. asked, pushing his mask to the side.

“They’ve all got some first and second degree burns, but they’ll heal up all right. How are you two doing?”

“It could have been a lot worse,” T.K. said. 

“Carlos?” Tommy asked, her eyes softening and taking on a new level of concern.

He met her eyes and nodded. “I’m okay.”

She looked at him a moment longer and then reached out to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I’m going to go check on the guys. You two stay right here and do as you’re told, got it?”

It wasn’t long before the paramedics released them with instructions to take it easy, stay hydrated, and head to the emergency room if they experienced any concerning symptoms. T.K. was still in disbelief that they’d escaped so unharmed. It was nothing short of miraculous, if you believed in that kind of thing.

Carlos spoke as they walked away from the ambulance, his voice quiet. “I should uh, I should call my parents,” he said.

“Do you want me to do it?” T.K. asked.

Carlos shook his head, already pulling out his phone. “No. No it’s um, they should hear it from me.”

He dialed, taking a shaky breath as he waited for someone to pick up. “Hey Dad.”

The conversation was painful, even from T.K.’s end. He couldn’t make out Gabriel’s words through the phone, but he could hear the unbridled fear in his voice. Carlos on the other hand sounded almost monotone, relaying the story and pertinent information in painfully exact detail, but without an ounce of emotion behind it, slipping back and forth between English and Spanish as he explained.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound so upset before,” Carlos said, when he hung up.

“Yeah.” T.K. looked at his boyfriend who seemed to be refusing to look back. “Carlos? How are you doing?” he finally asked. 

“I’m good,” Carlos said, eyes darting toward him and then away. It was clearly a brush off and they both knew it. So T.K. waited.

And then he watched as his boyfriend broke in front of him, anguish and fear spilling out like a wave until they were both clinging to one another as Carlos’ quiet sobs wracked his frame over and over again.

“Shh,” T.K. soothed, struggling to provide some kind of real comfort when he felt so raw himself. “Breathe. We’re okay. That’s all that matters.”

“I should have known, I should have made the alarm company come out today.”

“Carlos listen to me, none of this is your fault.” T.K. pulled him in tighter, desperate to do something to ease his pain.

“If I had just looked around, if we had waited ten more minutes to go upstairs—“

“We had no way of knowing.”

Carlos pulled back, still shaky. “You can’t really believe that. There’s always something. I should have done better.”

T.K. cupped his face in his hands. “Baby why are you beating yourself up over this so much?”

“Because I’m supposed to protect you!” Carlos said, the words coming out on a ragged sob. “That’s my job. To keep people safe. And when it came down to it I couldn’t protect you. The person I care about most in this world I couldn’t—”

T.K. used his thumbs to wipe away some of Carlos’ tears, clearing his throat, trying to keep his own tears at bay. “Listen to me. We’re a team, remember? We protect each other. You and me. Not just you.”

Carlos shook his head, face still contorted in misery. T.K. pulled him back in again and pressed a kiss to his hair. “It’s okay to be upset. But you cannot blame yourself for this. This was not your fault, do you hear me?”

Carlos nodded against his shoulder, but T.K. wasn’t completely convinced his words had gotten through.

Carlos took a shuddering breath and stepped away, wiping at his eyes and T.K. watched the wall go back up; the one Carlos had carefully constructed around him that meant he was always completely even-tempered and never out of control. “We should uh, we should go check on your dad and everybody. Tell them thank you.”

“Yeah, sure,” T.K. said, feeling like he probably should be saying something more, but unable to find the words.

Carlos was already moving toward the group gathered at the back of the ambulance and T.K. had no choice but to follow him. “You guys all right?” T.K. asked as Judd pulled him in for a side hug.

“We’re just glad you’re both okay,” Judd told him. “Everything check out with the paramedics?”

“We both ate a little bit of smoke, but we’re okay,” T.K. said. “Honestly though,” he swallowed hard, “we probably wouldn’t be here without you guys. So thank you.”

“You’re just lucky your dad drives so fast. I didn’t know he had it in him, what with him being such a city slicker,” Billy said with a chuckle.

“My driving is impeccable and I always drive the exact speed limit. Except in emergency situations,” Owen said, casting a look at Carlos.

Carlos managed to scrounge up half a smile but didn’t say anything.

A truck came screeching to a stop just behind the ambulance and Gabriel Reyes jumped out. The man looked truly shaken, eyes wild as he ran toward them. “Carlos! Mijo are you all right?”

“I’m okay Dad,” Carlos told him as they hugged.

“Gracias a Dios. You’re all okay?” Gabriel asked, looking around the group.

“We got out just in time,” Owen said. “Minor injuries only.”

“Which is more than we can say for the condo,” Judd said. “I’m so sorry we couldn’t do more Carlos, he had that place rigged up good.”

Carlos shook his head. “You did everything you could and we’re…” he swallowed hard and T.K. could tell he was blinking back more tears, “we’re very grateful.”

“Have they taken your statements yet?” Gabriel asked. 

“Yeah, about half an hour ago,” T.K. said. Officers had come around while they were still sitting at the back of the ambulance and written down what little they knew. Nothing like telling complete strangers that you hadn’t realized your house was burning down around you because you were upstairs having sex with your boyfriend. 

“Then there’s no reason you need to be standing around here,” Gabriel said. “You know the ranch is open to you both. Your mother is worried sick, she would be very happy to have you.” He turned to look at Owen. “But perhaps you would rather be closer to work? The ranch is a bit of a drive.”

“Well of course you’re welcome to stay at my place,” Owen said. “There’s plenty of space and Buttercup would love to have you around. But I’m sure Andrea wants you close to her.”

Gabriel shook his head. “I think they’re better off here in town. Andrea will understand. There will be a lot of paperwork to deal with in the coming days, they need to be readily available.”

“Well of course, but I’m not sure how much I can provide in the way of hospitality right now. The investigators didn’t really clean things up when they left,” Owen said meaningfully.

“Not a problem,” Gabriel said, taking out his phone. “I can have a crew there in the morning. It should never have taken this long in the first place. You know sometimes they drag their feet on these things.”

“Oh it’s no problem,” Owen said, waving him off. “Worth it in the end.” 

The dads debated a while longer before they decided an exhausted T.K. and Carlos would stay with Owen for the time being to be closer to work and to their former condo for whatever overhaul was necessary. By that point neither of them really cared where they ended up as long as there was a shower and a bed waiting for them. 

Owen elected to stay at the scene with Gabriel so Judd drove Carlos and T.K. home. Neither of them said much, still in a state of shock and Judd was mindful enough not to try and fill the truck with conversation.

The house was dark, Mateo asleep for the night. Buttercup looked up as they came in and gave half a tail wag before settling back down again.

“I think I left a couple sweatshirts and pairs of pants here,” T.K. said, searching through the drawers in his dad’s guest room. 

“Mmhmm,” Carlos said. He’d sunk onto the end of the bed and was staring blankly at the wall. 

“Hey,” T.K. stopped his search and went to him, cupping his face in his hands. “Why don’t you go get in the shower? I’ll find us something to change into and bring it to you.”

Carlos nodded tiredly and disappeared down the hall. T.K. stood for a moment chewing on his lip. He felt lost, adrift, trying to process and deal with his own feelings of grief and stomach churning worry, and Carlos seemed miles away. T.K. didn’t know what to do except to try and meet his physical needs.

He managed to scrounge up a pair of sweats and a t-shirt he thought would do the job. They might be a little tight, but at least Carlos wouldn’t be sleeping in the stench of his smoky clothes.

T.K. knocked softly on the bathroom door before stepping inside and putting the clothes on the counter. “You all right?” he asked.

Carlos sniffed and cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

T.K. gathered up Carlos’ soiled clothes from the floor and dumped them into the washer, intending to add his after he had his own shower. He heard the water turn off and a minute later the bathroom door opened. “I’m done,” Carlos called softly down the hall.

“I’ll be quick,” T.K. said, switching places with him. 

The water felt good and he watched as soot and sweat and ash slithered down the drain. He took longer than he meant to, almost lulled to sleep by the soothing pound of the water against his back. Eventually it grew cool and he turned it off, stepping out to try and squeeze into a pair of sweatpants that belonged to his dad and a t-shirt he didn’t recognize but had found in the clean laundry.

T.K. left the bathroom still toweling off his hair. He crept quietly toward the guest room; Buttercup didn’t even move as he stepped over him in the hallway. Opening the door he winced when it squeaked, fully expecting to find Carlos completely sacked out in the bed, more than ready to join his boyfriend in blissful sleep.

Instead he found the room empty and a spiral of fear shot through him so fast it took his breath away. “Carlos?” he whispered, as if the man would suddenly materialize from a dark corner or the tiny closet. 

When there was no answer he turned and went back the way he’d come, stepping over Buttercup again, searching the kitchen and the living room before he made his way to the back patio. “Hey,” he said softly when he spotted Carlos sitting on the edge of the outdoor sofa.

Carlos didn’t respond and T.K. felt his worry grow heavier. “Carlos?”

His boyfriend’s shoulders hitched slightly and T.K. walked around the patio furniture to find him hunched over, tears streaming down his face. “Oh baby,” T.K. said, dropping to his knees, hands frantically reaching for him. 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos said hoarsely. “I just…I can’t…I’m trying to pull it together but—”

T.K. slipped onto the couch next to him and pulled him into his arms. “You don’t have to be okay,” he whispered, his own throat thick with emotion. “No one expects that of you.”

Carlos’ voice was hoarse and broken. “I’ve never needed saving before. Not like that.”

“Most people don’t,” T.K. said.

Carlos looked at him, eyes red and swollen. “You were amazing in there. I was…I was panicking and you knew exactly what to do.”

“You’re a police officer,” T.K. said, resting his head on top of Carlos’. “I wouldn’t expect you to know what to do in a five alarm fire. Just like you wouldn’t expect me to know what to do in a shootout.”

Carlos sighed and leaned into him. T.K. bent over and kissed his forehead. “We should try and get some sleep.”

Carlos shook his head again. “I can’t,” he said hoarsely. “I just keep thinking about it over and over again. I’m sorry I’m such a mess—“

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal.”

Carlos swallowed hard. “I know it was just a house. But it was mine. It was the first place I felt like I could be myself. And then you came and it was our home and I—“ Carlos bit his lip and shook his head. “It’s all gone.”

“But I’m not,” T.K. said twining their hands together. “I’m right here. You’ve got me. And I don’t care where we are as long as we’re together. Home is us.” He stroked his thumb up and down on Carlos’ shoulder.

His face sobered as he took a really good, long look at Carlos. Exhaustion and fear still radiated off of him. He looked defeated. Empty. “Let’s at least try to get some sleep,” T.K. said softly, brushing a still-damp, curl from Carlos’ forehead. “We’ll figure things out in the morning.”

He pulled Carlos to his feet and they walked hand in hand back to the guest room. Carlos looked at the clock as he got into bed and groaned. “I have a shift in five hours.”

“You’re not going to work today.” T.K. told him. “They’ll understand.”

Carlos slid down the bed onto his side, leaning up on his elbow, his free hand finding a home on T.K.’s hip. “I meant what I said before. You were incredible tonight T.K. You saved us.”

“I’m pretty sure my dad, Billy, and Judd saved us,” T.K. told him.

Carlos shook his head. “I’m serious. If you hadn’t been there—“

“But I was,” T.K. said firmly. “I was and we’re fine. We’re…going to be fine,” he amended, because god knew there was nothing fine about them right now.

Carlos was quiet for a moment and then laid down all the way so they were face to face. T.K. shifted so they were even closer, needing to feel the warmth of Carlos against his own body. “I don’t think I can sleep,” Carlos said.

“Then we’ll just lie here together,” T.K. told him softly. 

They locked eyes, both of them breathing together in the silence, just being together, holding on a little tighter than normal. “I can’t stop seeing it,” Carlos finally whispered. “I was so scared T.K. What if I’d lost you?”

“You didn’t,” T.K. said softly. He leaned in and pressed a tender, reassuring kiss to Carlos’ lips. Carlos didn’t respond so T.K. nudged him gently with his nose and then kissed him again.

It was slow at first, Carlos still drowning so deeply in loss and anxiety, but as T.K. continued to silently encourage him he began to reciprocate. First just one kiss, and then another, this one a little deeper, until they were completely pressed up against each other, hands searching for bare skin, shared breath moving between parted lips. 

Things grew heated and T.K. could feel the increasing desperation in Carlos’ kisses so he smoothed a hand soothingly down his spine, pulling back from him just a little bit, forcing him to slow down. “It’s okay,” he murmured as their lips broke apart and came back together. “I’m right here.”

Carlos responded by matching T.K.’s slower kisses, following him rather than leading.

T.K. reached between them and slowly undid the drawstring on his boyfriend’s sweatpants. Carlos broke off the kiss. “Are you sure?”

T.K. nodded, moving his hands underneath Carlos’ shirt, helping him pull it off over his head. They both needed this, to touch, to feel, to reassure themselves that they were alive, that this might have changed their night, but it hadn’t change them. 

Carlos started to roll on top of him, but T.K. gently pushed him back down until he was the one on top, chests and hips pressed together, a reversal of their positions from just hours before. Carlos’ hands landed on T.K.’s back, their eyes locking, both of them seeking comfort in the physicality of being together.

“We’re okay,” T.K. said, as much for himself as for Carlos.

Carlos nodded and then closed his eyes as T.K. began pressing kisses into his neck and chest. “We’re okay,” T.K. murmured soothingly every time his lips left Carlos’ skin. “I’m going to say it until you believe it. We’re okay. We will be okay together.”

                                           XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

T.K. woke up in the morning legs still tangled with Carlos’. It took him a moment to remember why he had a pounding headache and his muscles felt tight. Right. Burning condo. Smoke inhalation. Mad dash for their lives.

Carlos was still deeply asleep, for which T.K. was grateful. His boyfriend had drifted off in his arms somewhere around three am and T.K. had quickly followed. He managed to extricate himself without waking Carlos and pulled on some clothes before he headed out to the kitchen in search of painkillers. 

Sun was just filtering in the windows, the day already bright and clear. It was incredible how the world could continue to turn, even when everything had just crashed down around you. T.K. found some Advil, leaving it out on the counter, knowing it was likely that Carlos would be in need of some too. Then he moved their now clean, damp clothes from the washer to the dryer. They’d need to go out today and get some essentials. 

“T.K.?” Mateo asked in surprise as he appeared at the base of the stairs.  “I thought you and Carlos made up?” He paused and frowned in confusion. “Is that my shirt?”

T.K. sighed and launched into an edited version of the night’s events. “Dude,” Mateo said when he finished, a stunned look on his face. “Man that sucks. I’m glad you guys are all right.”

“Yeah, us too,” T.K. said.

“And listen, my house just totally blew up too. It was a rental, so not quite the same, but if you guys need help with any part of this process just let me know. You can borrow my car or laptop or whatever you need.”

“Thanks Mateo,” T.K. said gratefully.

There were footsteps on the stairs and Carlos appeared, eyes bleary and swollen, curls a disheveled mess. There was still a heaviness about him, but he looked better than the night before.

“Hey,” he said, wrapping an arm around T.K.’s waist and giving him a kiss, lingering slightly longer than their normal morning peck. “Hi Mateo.”

“Hey Carlos. T.K. told me about your place, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s definitely not ideal,” Carlos said with a sigh.

“Did you sleep okay?” T.K. asked.

Carlos nodded, then winced. T.K. reached for the bottle of Advil and poured him a glass of water. “Thanks,” Carlos said, swallowing down two pills.

“Did you call your captain?” T.K. asked as Mateo grabbed a protein bar and vacated the kitchen to give them some privacy.

“Yeah he’d already heard. Told me to take the time I need.”

“Good,” T.K. said.

The dryer buzzed. “That’s our clothes,” T.K. said, getting up to retrieve them. “At least you can put on a shirt that fits.”

He tossed Carlos his shirt and pants. Carlos stared down at them, a frown on his face. “You okay?” T.K. asked.

“Why did you throw a shirt at me?”

“What?”

“Last night. We were about to be burned alive and you made me put a shirt on.”

“Oh,” T.K. thought for a second and shrugged as he folded his sweatpants and set them on top of the dryer. “I don’t know. I guess I just…panicked. I was thinking that the temperature drops here at night and I didn’t want you to be cold when we got outside.”

“Our condo was hot as hell, but you were worried I’d be cold?”

T.K. bit his lip and shook his head, a sheepish smile growing on his face. “I don’t know, like I said I panicked. It was the first thought that came to me.”

“Well it was a good one,” Carlos said, slipping his arms around T.K.’s waist. “Standing out there all night with no shirt on would have been pretty uncomfortable.”

T.K. threaded his arms through Carlos’, hands coming to rest on his lower back. “You doing okay this morning?” he asked.

“Better,” Carlos confirmed. “Thank you. I think I just…needed to let it all out. I’m sorry about last night. My head was…”

“Hey,” T.K. shook his head. “No more apologies. No one has anything to apologize for, right?” He brushed a hand over Carlos’ cheek. “Do you want coffee? Or a smoothie?” His eyes went wide as a thought hit him. “Oh no!”

“What? What’s wrong?” Carlos asked, concern dropping over his face like a cloud. T.K.’s distress was so sudden and visceral that he pulled back slightly, eyes searching T.K.’s frame for some kind of injury.

T.K. felt his chest growing tight as anxiety gripped him. “Marlon Blendo! Oh my god, my dad is going to be so upset!”

“Whoa.” Carlos cupped his face in his hands. “I’m sure your dad will be okay. Blenders are replaceable.”

“Carlos he really loved that blender,” T.K. said seriously. 

Carlos chuckled. “Here I am, wondering all night long how we’re going to get through this and how you can be so calm when the world has literally gone up in flames, and now you’re losing it over a blender.”

“He was a really good blender!” T.K. pulled away from him and ran a hand through his hair as he took a few aimless steps, more thoughts striking him. “Oh my god my hoodies!”

“I will buy you new hoodies,” Carlos assured him.

“They won’t be the same,” T.K. groaned.

“Is this you finally freaking out?”

“I am not freaking out!” T.K.’s breathing had increased rapidly as panic spiraled through him. The sense of calm control he’d felt for the past twelve hours slowly started to slip away as reality set in. “Oh my god I’m totally freaking out. I can’t freak out, you’re freaking out! We can’t both be freaking out!”

“Hey,” Carlos cradled his face in his hand. “We’re okay? Remember? And if you need to freak out and lose it, that’s all right. It’s your turn. I’ll pull it together for a couple hours and you can melt down.”

“I don’t want to melt down, I want my shirt with the blue stripes on it. And that bergamot candle your parents gave us as a housewarming gift. Oh my god, Carlos all your spices from the market!”

“Come here,” Carlos said, pulling him into a hug, one hand holding him firmly around the waist, the other settling on the nape of his neck, thumb moving back and forth in a soothing motion.

T.K. let his forehead rest against Carlos’ shoulder, feeling more grounded by the strength of his boyfriend’s arms and the softness of his fingers. “Thanks,” he mumbled. 

T.K. took a breath as the weight of everything began to land on his shoulders. Losing their home. Almost losing each other. God, how was he only now feeling how terrible it all was? He’d truly thought he was okay until this very second. “We’re going to make it through this, right?” he asked. He’d been so sure last night, but now…

Carlos pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “Yes. We are.”

                                       XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: When I started writing this, did I think it would end up in the boys having soft, sweet "we're so glad we're not dead" sex in Owen's guest room? Nope. No I did not. Is it all @bluenet13's fault that it happened? Possibly. Or possibly they're just too sexy and they couldn't help it. Idk.

[imaginesupply]

Homecoming - Chapter Four

(Gif's not my own.) 

Summary: The day has arrived, Captain Syverson is going home. For good, this time. He is going home to a civilian life he can hardly remember and a wife he barely knows, with memories of the war still fresh on his mind. Love might not be able to heal everything on its own, but it’s a good start.

Genres: Romance, drama.

Story warnings: Smut (always fully consensual), mentions of PTSD and nightmares and mental health, angst, hurt and comfort, fluff, mentions of war (minor), mentions of cheating (minor), mentions of pregnancy (very minor), police appearance (very minor), violence (very minor).

Notes:

-It’s my first time writing for one of Henry’s characters and I’m unsure I did Sy’s character any justice.

-This is a Capt. Syverson x OFC (Ada) story, written in 3rd person POV but OFC’s physical description is very limited so it could also be read as Capt. Syverson x Reader, I think.

-English is not my first language, so there might be some mistakes. Proofread, but not beta’ed. We die like men and all that.

-Timeline is a little wacky: The movie takes place in 2003 and the U.S. forces were withdrawn from Iraq in 2011, but I never set a precise date because I don’t think it’s essential for this story. However, some elements might not be realistic because if we set this story in 2003: Phone cameras quality was not as good as it’s now, but for the purpose of the chapters, I will need you to imagine you could film great videos with your flip phone haha. Plus, it says Sy is coming back after being deployed for more than three years which makes no sense unless we set this in 2006 or later. I am asking you disregard any time inconsistencies.

-Also: I am not American. I only lived in the US for six months and it was in the Midwest, not Texas so please bear with me if I write something stupid.

-Finally: This will be a Christmas fic and I intend to post the last chapter (there will be seven in total) on or before Christmas. However, religion is never mentioned in this story and the Christmas-sy elements of this story are limited to family gathering, gift giving and tree decorating.

Chapter Four starts after the cut. (Chapter Three can be found here.) Let me know if you wish to be tagged in future chapters or if you wish to be removed from the tag list.

Chapter Four

Chapter warnings: PTSD, angst (or as much angst as I’ll ever write), couple’s fight, outdated expectations of marriage (is that even a warning?), mentions of masturbation.

This chapter is a little different from the previous ones and it’s stitched together weirdly. Also, there’s no smut (which is unusual for me!), but Chapter 5 will be more humorous and lighthearted.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“When’s your next leave?” Harper asked from behind the wheel, knowing better than to take his eyes off the sand road. He had been transferred to the Special Forces after the whole water pumping station incident, with Sy’s approval.

They were at the very back of the convoy, like always. It was the only way Sy was able to keep all the Humvees in sight and look out for everyone.

“Not sure I’m gonna be seeing home before July.” Sy replied, blue eyes scrunched up as he tried making something, anything out in the darkness surrounding them. Doing this scouting mission at night hadn’t been his idea, but the order had come from higher up and it was when the guards were at their lowest.

Harper smiled, a short huff escaping his chest. “Ah yes! What are you going do once you’re home for good?” The soldier asked, the tiniest hint of teasing in his voice. “Give your wife a small army of Texan babies?”

Sy scoffed, his chest shaking beneath the heavy protective vest. “Eyes on the road, soldier.”

“Yes, captain.” Harper chuckled even as he obeyed the command.

The rest of the drive went by in silence. The whole point of doing it at night was to be unseen and unheard. Confirm it was an armory so that an airstrike could later destroy it. Quick and easy.

Sy absentmindedly rubbed his finger through the thick glove, trying to feel the wedding band beneath. He never took the thing off, but it still somehow eased his mind to make sure it was there – make sure she was there across the ocean. They had talked on the phone the night before and he could still hear her shriek as she stubbed her toe on the doorframe whilst pacing around the house as she spoke to him. She wanted to order new tires for his pickup truck because she was afraid the current ones would be expired once he got back. He told her not to worry about any of that, but she insisted and then asked about Aika, changing subjects. No matter what they talked about, he always slept better after hearing her voice.

The landscape changed ever so slightly. They were there, right outside the deserted town’s walls. Sy gave everyone the order to pull up and get ready. It was only when he stepped out of the Humvee, his feet landing swiftly on the soft sand and the cold night’s air hitting his face, that he realized that Sy had been there already. He was dreaming again.

He had been there hundreds of times, taken the same steps, given the same orders and run away from the same explosion. After having the same nightmare night after night, the shock and the surprise element had lessened, but the dread remained unchanged. Sy was cursed to relive the same scene again and again, for moments even wondering if he lacked imagination so much that his mind was unable to come up with anything else.

Still, every night, he'd try changing the outcome, attempt to take control of his past self and make different decisions: refuse the mission, take a different team, catch Lieutenant Wilkins before he had a chance to run into the trap. It never worked. The result was always the same with him shouting for everyone to retreat and grabbing on to the back of Wilkins' uniform, trying to drag him out of the building, unsuccessfully. Then the telltale detonation followed, the building shook and they were thrown backwards with the explosion. When Sy landed on the concrete, there was a corpse - or what remained of it - on top of him. It was what had shielded him from the worst.

He once tried to warn Wilkins about the child's voice asking for help, to tell him it was a trap and that they needed to ignore it, but he was unable to speak. They were there, on the exact spot, a large room right down the stairs with no windows or lights, only three parted doors. Unlike the first time, the real time, he knew what was about to happen, through what door the grenade would be thrown out of before rolling on the dusty ground. And he went through it all over again.

It was the noise that alerted him the first time, the impact as it hit ground and then the rolling sound on the uneven surface.

"Retreat!" Sy heard his own voice shout loud enough for the rest of the team behind them to hear, then an echo of hurried, heavy footsteps followed.

He knew what happened then. Sy waited for the faint, unidentifiable cry for help and for Wilkins to blindly bolt towards the voice, the grenade.  He knew he'd unable to stop him this time just like all the others. What was the point of making him relive the same failure over and over again?

"Help!"

Sy froze on the spot, unlike all the other previous nights. This time it was not a random infantile voice. It was Ada's. She was crying out for help, for him.

This time it was him who dashed after the voice, the grenade exploding before he could reach her.

°°°

Ada thought that they had dodged the bullet, that they had somehow managed to avoid all the stuff she had crammed her head with when she had found out Sy was retiring from active combat sooner than expected. The notes she had taken, the websites she had visited, the therapists she had researched and ranked according to online reviews; she had started to think none of these would come in handy. Apart from that small incident when grocery shopping and the whole thing with Tom, Sy was okay, they were okay. Or so she thought.

It only took maybe eight days of Sy being back home to find out that wasn't true. It was almost like when you took a plane and fly halfway across the globe. The first days you’d eat dinner at 3am and go to bed three hours later and nothing felt real. Then it settled in. But this wasn't a spontaneous holiday or a mid-life crisis, this was an honorable discharge. Sy wasn't leaving behind an unsatisfying career, he was leaving the war.

He came home. They reunited, caught up with each other, basked in other's presence. Ada had to keep reminding herself that she could fall asleep at night without the anxiety of feeling like she was wasting away his leave with something as frivolous as sleep.

Only sleep wasn't frivolous, Ada soon came to realize. Sy slept well the first few nights back home. The exhaustion helped, so did sex. Sy would kiss her, roll over, pull her into his arms and fall right asleep after it.

That changed quickly. On the eight night, she woke up to pee hours before dawn only to find his side of the bed empty. She found him downstairs playing on his new console. It was the jetlag that made him unable to sleep, he said. Ada knew better, even as she acquiesced.

The following night, after making love and taking care of her, Sy didn't even bother pretending he was going to bed. "I won't be able to sleep anyways and I don't want to keep you up," he claimed, putting on a t-shirt and some sweatpants before going out for a run. It was past midnight.

After going two days with barely shutting his eyes, Sy did finally fall asleep in bed with her. Ninety minutes later, he was awake again.

"You okay?" Ada groaned softly, forcing her eyes open but it was too dark to see anything. She had woken up with his tossing and turning.

"Yeah, just go back to sleep," Sy replied dismissively, turning on his side and facing the window away from her.

Ada was about to do just that, believing his words in her incoherent sleepiness, when her hand touched his clammy back. He had managed to sweat through his t-shirt, but his skin remained icy.

"You're not okay," she whispered to herself before switching on her small bedside lamp and sitting up.

"I told you to go back to sleep, Ada," Sy protested, still facing away from her.

She shook her head softly and tried to pull him into her arms, but he was too heavy, and she couldn't move him without his help. "If something's wrong, you can tell me, you know."

She waited in silence for him to answer, to say something, anything at all. She had planned on watching podcasts, meeting with veterans and whatever she could do to help, but Sy had come home several months earlier than planned and she didn't know what to do, what was expected of her as a wife, as his partner, as his support person.

"Alright, you don't have to talk if you don't want to," she attempted quietly, sliding back into bed and moving in behind him, doing her best to be the big spoon for once. "We can just cuddle until you fall asleep."

Apparently, that turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Sy jumped out of bed as if her touch had burnt him. "I'm not a fucking child, Ada. I don't need your cuddles."

She flinched at his tone, taking a deep breath but her voice still came out strangled. "I was not implying you were a child, Sy. I just thought - no - I just hoped that you would find some comfort with me," she admitted but he was already getting dressed, sweaty skin and all. "Clearly I was wrong."

His face was red behind his full beard. He was pissed, she could almost feel him buzzing as he tried to restrain his anger and not - she didn't know what he was keeping himself from doing. Whatever it was, Ada was sure his next words hurt just as much as whatever he was initially going to do.

"I don't need you to fucking comfort me, woman!" He spat out, putting on a pair of boots. "I don't need anyone's help and certainly not my wife's!"

With that, he marched to the bedroom door, forcefully throwing it open. "I'm going out for air. Don't wait up for me."

They barely saw each other the next day. Sy texted that he was going to spend some time with his mom. Still hurt and offended, even though she knew this was not about her, Ada left for the day without telling him her whereabouts.

She took her car and drove to the animal shelter to help out. No one was expecting her there, but they gave her some work to do and it did help her feel better for a couple hours at least. But it was barely noon when she was done and she refused to go home, meeting up with friends instead. None of them asked why she wasn't at home practically glued to Sy. They were used to their friend pretty much vanishing off the face of the Earth whenever Sy came home for two or three weeks, but they were wise enough not to question it.

His words had stung. Ada was aware he had been mad, and that people always said dumb stuff when they were mad, but she did find some truth in his words. Why would he need her comfort? Her help? Or even a wife at all?

Sy had lived thirty-three years without knowing her and then three more married to her but living continents' apart. He could command soldiers, lead missions, plan attacks and whatever it was that he also did back in Iraq. The house was his, his mom would be overjoyed to cook for him and do his laundry again if he didn’t want to do it himself and Ada didn't kid herself - if he wanted sex, all he had to do was walk into a bar.

So, technically speaking, she knew Sy didn't need her. He was a grown ass man who could survive on his own better than ninety-nine percent of the population. What had hurt her was that he didn't want her, nor her help or her comfort. And if he didn't want her to try and make his life a lil' bit better, what was even the point.  Ada didn't know and all the cocktails she consumed didn't provide an answer either, but they did end up forcing her to eat almost her own weight in food to soak up all the alcohol before driving back home at ten.

She was still fishing out her keys to open the front door, when Sy pulled it open with so much force, it almost flew off its hinges.

"Where the fuck have you been?!" Sy shouted as soon as she set a foot inside.

"I was out with friends.” Ada took off her shoes by the door. "How's your mom?" She looked up only long enough to find him staring down at her with his thick arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I sent you a dozen texts and called you just as many times, but you never picked up." Oh, his tone had switched to that unsettling calm before the storm.

"I apologize, my phone was on silent," Ada replied. It was true, though she had still noticed his calls and texts. "Look I am tired, and I am going to take a shower." She said before walking upstairs to their bedroom.

To her surprise, Sy followed her up, stopping only at their room’s threshold as if he weren’t allowed inside without her forgiveness. "I am sorry for yesterday," he sighed, leaning against the doorframe.

“It’s okay.” Ada shook her head, undressing rapidly and balling up her dirty clothes to throw them in the hamper. She smelt like a whole bar and she was desperate for a shower.

“I didn’t mean it, what I said,” he added, finally walking inside the room but still keeping his distances.  

“It’s okay, don’t worry.” She reassured him, disappearing inside the en-suite. This was just a fight. Couples had them all the time. Sy had even apologized. “I am sorry too. For today.”

His voice startled her, Sy was closer than she had expected. “Do you have need for me?” He asked, making her still as she bent down to fetch some fresh towels from the drawer. Did she have need for him? Ada frowned even though he couldn’t see her face. She heard him sigh again behind her.

"I felt useful back in Baqubah. I ran that city, commanded soldiers, gave my country something and then an explosion happens, two of my men die. And you know what they do? They send me home. Not to punish me for fucking up; they send me home because they thought I had witnessed enough shit and deserved an honorable discharge. Whatever the reason, my services weren't needed there anymore."

"Then I come home to my wife, to you, Ada. And you know what?” He asked before providing the answer himself. “The doors don't screech, the mirror has been replaced and my wife doesn’t even need me to take her out on dates or to the movies because she already has someone for that. So really, what's my goddamn purpose here? The house doesn't need me. You don't need me. Even my mother doesn't need me what with her new boyfriend. So why the fuck did I come back?"

He paused and Ada took it as a chance to stand up and face him. She didn’t know what this was. His voice wasn’t loud, he wasn’t shouting, and his posture didn’t appear hostile. They weren’t arguing, this was something different. “That’s not-” Sy cut her off.

"Then, last night, I realize that while you don't need me, I sure as hell need you, Ada. And that's not how I imagined my marriage would be. I should be the provider. I should be taking care of you, not the other way around."

"This is not the 1950s, Sy," Ada chuckled faintly despite herself.

"That don’t matter. It's how I was raised: preside, provide and protect. I don't care about the presiding part; I knew from day one that I'd never be able to boss you around and I didn't want to. But I still very much believe in providing for and protecting what's mine, and instead, you're the one doing that. So, not only did I fail my men back in Iraq, but now I’ve failed you too."

“No. Stop right there.” Ada interrupted him, more forcefully than intended. "Okay, first, you never failed me. Don’t you ever say that.” Sy huffed from his spot by the door, clearly unconvinced but she was determined to get this out. “Second, I... I think you need to stop settling for being needed and instead accept that you are loved, at least by me."

Sy stiffened against the doorframe, his face taking over an unreadable expression beneath his beard. Shit. Did she mess up again? "Did I say something wrong?"

He didn’t reply right away. Ada took a few steps to him when his words took her by surprise. "You said you loved me."

She stopped in her tracks, opening her mouth and closing it again a few times, stammering. Confusion was evident on her face. "Well, yeah."

"You've never said it before," Sy explained, the hint of a smile on his lips.

Ada frowned, a little unsteady on her feet as she thought back. "Are you certain? I'm pretty sure that is what I ended all our phone calls with."

He shook his head. "I meant in person.”

"Oh, I never realized.”

The cold bathroom tile floor was not the place either of them would have picked out under different circumstances, but it was where Sy finally allowed himself to be cuddled into the warmth of her embrace for the first time, his head resting against her naked breast with her slow heartbeat lulling him into a different kind of peace. “I do love you, Sy.”

Ada was no fool, this wouldn’t soothe all his troubles, but for now, it was a start. And that was all she could ask for.

°°°

Sy sat down on the chair in their study. Most walls were covered with Ada’s textbooks from floor to ceiling. He huffed at the sight. If you’d told him five years ago that he’d end up with an academic wife, he’d have laughed in your face. Now, he tested touched the shelves, watching them wobble slightly and decided he ought to build her something sturdier.

First, he had to take care of some administrative bullshit for the new job he'd be starting at Camp Marbry in January. He had always hated bureaucracy but there was no escaping it. He had learned it the hard way as a private. Maybe it was also time he started going through their utilities folders. Ada had taken over all of it when they got married, managing their bank accounts and paying the bills. Sy hadn't taken of that shit in years but he probably should relieve her of some of those chores.

His eyes wandered over to the neatly organized shelves under the office desk, trying to find the correct binder when his attention landed on what appeared to be a fancy silver notebook. Was that the one Tom had mentioned?

Sy knew he shouldn't go through her stuff, but he was curious and it was not like she had hidden it or anything. Ending his hesitation with a shrug, he picked up the notebook only for stray bits of paper to immediately fly out and land on the carpeted floor. "Shit!"

He bent down and gathered them all up quickly in his hand, lest Ada find out he was snooping and chide him like a soldier. He sat back on the chair and started reading through some of the bits and slips of paper he had caught: "shaving gel not cream!", "dog treats (the fancy ones)", "boxer briefs in L"... They were all dated too. Sy figured they were just old shopping lists until he opened the notebook.

The first part appeared to be a logbook of sorts with notes about each and every one of their calls for the past year. Sy went over some of them, grinning despite himself. He never imagined Ada took notes during their weekly phone calls.

"Sy says it's really cold at night in the desert."

"He seems a little down..."

"Aika has a sweet tooth." Damn, he missed that dog!

“Explosion. Two men dead.”

He skipped over the next few pages, remembering it all too well. After the logbook part, came a set of lists, all dated. "The monthly care packages," Sy realized, reading through them and concluding that this was where the bits of paper had fallen from.

All the care package lists were cross-referenced with the calls logbook. Sy had never understood how she always managed to send him exactly what he needed. He wasn't even aware that he had mentioned most of these small things to her. Most of the time, he didn't even understand how she managed to fit so much stuff into those small USPS boxes. Whenever he tried putting everything back in the cardboard box for safekeeping, half of it didn't fit back inside.

He flipped through a few more care packages before landing on a particularly long list. The date was highlighted, it was the package he had received on the month of his birthday. Ada had made him promise not to open it before the 18th. “You can open the box, but I will know if you open the present before your birthday, Sy,” she had warned him on the phone, trying to sound very stern.  “And if you do, I’ll come to Iraq just to whoop your ass.” He had laughed so loudly, Harper had knocked on his door to make sure he was alright.

Sy laughed again as he went over the list, remembering how the private from the deliveries and postal department kept on complaining because packages this big were 'not usually authorized' and that he was getting 'favor treatment' because he was captain and that Ada shouldn't even have been allowed to ship a box exceeding the maximum dimensions. Sy had taken the package from the soldier and asked if he fancied a trip to the infirmary. That had shut him up quickly.

There had been candy (no chocolate because it had melted through its packaging once when she had tried sending him some), gum, the two first James Bond novels, dog treats, a new photo of his niece and nephew, underwear that was way too fancy for him and a handwritten letter from Ada.

What had immediately caught his attention was the very neatly wrapped gift box with a big red bow and a small card that reminded him once more not to open it until his birthday and only when he was alone.

Sy laughed, remembering how giddy he was to open that damn box. They'd gone on a recon mission on his birthday and when they got back, everyone was exhausted and dirty. He had hurried to the showers, cutting off some soldiers and then rushed to his private room to open the gift.

In all his adult life, Sy could only remember blushing three times, two of them the same day. First was when Ada said 'I do’ and he tried sliding the ring on her finger, but nervous and tipsy like he had been, the damn tiny thing slipped off his hand and fell on the carpet. Second was when the limo supposed to bring them back to their hotel was caught up in traffic, and the two of them decided to get it on in the chapel's storage room while another couple was getting married. Not only did they promptly – and accidentally, might he add – knock over all the props, he literally ended up fucking her through the cheap and unstable dry wall. The look on the couple’s face had been priceless!

The third time was on his birthday. Inside the box, he had found a handful of professionally made photos of Ada in lingerie and sometimes not even that much. If that didn't have his mind spinning and his dick throbbing after so many months away, he certainly couldn't believe his eyes when he found a small tube of lube and a transparent fleshlight.

It was not the gift as such that made him blush. The photos had him beyond excited and he was all too eager to try out the fleshlight. No, the embarrassment only settled in afterwards. More specifically when Sy remembered that despite having a private room as a captain, the washrooms where shared and he found himself cleaning the fleshlight in the sink with the little water they had, hoping no one would see him.

"Oh shit!"

Sy jumped in his chair at her voice, he hadn't heard her get home, let alone upstairs.

"Fuck. You weren’t meant to see that, Sy.” Ada babbled, quickly walking up to him with a sheepish look on her face.

Sy smiled, interrupting her as he seized her hips and pulled her down to sit on his lap. "It’s okay, darlin'."

Ada's eyes widened incredulously. "Really? You’re not even mad at me for meeting with a therapist to get advice?"

Sy closed his eyes, nostrils flaring for a moment. Right. Admittedly, he had not yet made it to that part but while he wasn't exactly keen on discussing his private life with strangers, he felt no anger at finding out that Ada had tried to look after him. Her words from last night had somehow made it through his thick skull.

"No, I'm not angry, not even for that. I know you were just trying to-"

Sy opened his eyes again at her silence only to find his wife grinning like the Cheshire cat as she looked at the open page on the notebook.

"You didn't even make it that far, huh?" She chuckled, pointing at the list. "Nope, you were still stuck with that ridiculous birthday gift I gave you!" While her tone was accusatory, Sy could see that she was trying not to burst out laughing.

Rolling his eyes, he pried the notebook from her hands and set it down on the desk. "It was not a ridiculous gift. I kept it all," Sy reassured her, pressing her body closer to his. "Well, not the lube. That was gone in weeks. And the photos are definitely a little used now but-"

Ada kissed him out of the blue, shutting him up. "Sy, I really love you but you're giving me secondhand embarrassment right now."

The bear of a man laughed, holding ever impossibly tighter before kissing her forehead. "I love you too, wife." Then, another thought crossed his mind. “Do you think it’s possible to send a care package to a dog?”

@colourmeinblue​ @hail-horror-queen​ @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl​ @kmuir1​ @madbaddic7ed​ @coffeebreathy​ @purplelove75​ @summersong69​ @helenaellie​

[puppy-phum]

#10YearPromise - pingxie blabberings

bc i wasn’t able to answer these questions throughout the week (as i’ve been traveling around while being extremely busy), i decided to just collect all of my answers under one post! i never tire talking about pingxie so this was extremely enjoyable ♥ am also practicing some very shameless self promo in this so be prepared!

thank you for @laireshi​ for organizing this event (i take it’s you alone? am not sure, sorry for my laziness) and being amazing in general ^^ i won’t be able to join as i am still very busy and summer is always pure chaos for me, so i can only hope that other ppl have fun! if you are not aware of 10 Year Promise Pingxie Exchange, you can find the original announcement post here. join in if you have the time and inspiration ^^ 

and then to my answers which i will be placing under the cut bc i don’t want to flood anyone’s dash with me going bonkers over these two idiots. enjoy tho if you decide to read this :’D ♥

I. What made you ship pingxie?

Back when I got into Reboot bc of ZYL (as has happened to many ppl probably) and then saw stuff about pingxie once I started going through that drama’s tag on tumblr, my first thought about them was that they had to be a crack ship. The way Reboot portrays them as well as their actors and their huuuge age difference affected this a lot, and I was actually cackling at them bc all their moments in Reboot made me just go “oh, socialist brotherhood at its best” in my head. But then I finished watching Reboot’s 1st season (as the 2nd one wasn’t out yet) and started reading some fics. I learned more about them and the canon storyline. I learned how damn devoted they are to each other, and after that, many moments in Reboot gained new meaning in my eyes. So, I think what made me ship pingxie was a mix of Reboot (especially the hallucination moment where Xiaoge dies and Wu Xie loses it bc that’s my jam as I later on became to notice) and then the amazing fics I dug out during that time. After that the love grew stronger as I watched the other dramas, and these days I’m a lost cause. I feel like I spend most of my awake time thinking about these two and their love. They are amazing. I cry rivers for them.

II. Which pingxie version is your favorite?

After finding pingxie, I fell in love with them properly during TLT2. There is just something about that stage of their relationship for me, the stage where both of them are still very tentative about everything but they have deep down accepted that they’re tied now. Wu Xie is figuring out so many things, coming to terms with being betrayed by his uncle and slowly realizing that something bigger is going on behind the scenes. Meanwhile, Xiaoge is learning how to trust Wu Xie and how to accept that he cannot leave this naïve boy behind. It feels very fragile, and I have so many emotions about TLT2 bc of this. Xiaoge is so soft and feels very multilayered. Wu Xie is still his naïve self but is slowly gaining some sharper edges as he comes to face the cruel world. I like how Cheng Yi and Hou Minghao have portrayed this dynamic. Also, TLT2 is just very extra with all the pingxie scenes, who would be able to resist loving them? So, I have to admit that my favorite pingxie is these two, tho Ultimate Note comes very, very close.

III. What’s your favorite pingxie headcanon?

Headcanons are a bit hard for me as I don’t know enough of the canon. I have not read the novels so most of the story I’ve just patched together from all the bits I’ve read from somewhere (here, on twt, in fics) and through the scenes the dramas have shown me. I feel like the whole world is lowkey made of headcanons for me :’D But hmm, my favorite pingxie headcanon… I’d say there are two and then one bonus bc it’s more a Wu Xie related headcanon than just pingxie. The first one is that the pingxie confession happens after the Bronze Gate. It feels like the only moment when they’re both ready for such a thing. I’d say Xiaoge comes to realize his own feelings a lot earlier and he might tell something to unconscious Wu Xie before leaving for ten years, but he will not actually leave Wu Xie with such a burden. He doesn’t want to ask anything when it sounds like he doesn’t even believe that Wu Xie will be willing to wait for him, and I’d say that for him, his feelings are going to be fine even if Wu Xie never learns about them. He might even wish that Wu Xie never learns about them bc he’s not able to promise much as an immortal and amnesiac being (he outlives Wu Xie, most likely forgets him). For Wu Xie however, I’d say he needs time. He really is way too naïve and I’d say that he needs those ten years to realize that he’s in love with his best friend. I dunno who confesses first after Xiaoge returns but I think that only after that decade their relationship is “mature” enough to hold the weight of a confession (even if I also love to play around with the thought of them getting together during the events of Ultimate Note bc that drama offered many good chances for that). Another headcanon for me is that Xiaoge will find a way to die when Wu Xie does. After learning about them more, I feel like Reboot implies this too. Xiaoge is very accepting of Wu Xie’s death but in the last moments, when he really thinks that this is going to be it for Wu Xie, he hesitates. We see a spark of desperation there, and I’ve come to think that his initial plan, the plan he came up with once he got that call from Wu Xie and knew he would join Wu Xie on his last adventure, was to see this through for Wu Xie’s sake and then leave and die alone. I don’t know how much there would be left for Zhang Qiling after Wu Xie is gone. I feel like this is also what Wu Xie fears. But would he really resent Xiaoge for joining him in death after living such a long and hard life? I’d say no and I’d say that even Pangzi accepts this as one of the most likely outcomes. The bonus one then feels very personal to me. I don’t usually talk about this bc I feel so unsure of even mentioning this but I’ve seen others with similar thoughts so am sharing! I’ve never before gotten any vibes about a character’s sexuality in a drama I’ve watched but Reboot Wu Xie looked at me once in the eye and all I could hear was my brain yelling “asexual”. So, that is just my personal headcanon for Wu Xie. He’s ace and proud of it. He can flirt etc. but sex makes him go naah. He doesn’t need it or want it. He can appreciate beauty and hot ppl without wanting to sleep with them and I think his relationship with Xiaoge fits very well into this. I don’t have any personal experiences with being ace but I feel like Wu Xie has read the name once, shrugged and gone, “guess that’s me” and continued on with his life. He’s badass like that and I love him for it. (take a very relevant meme lol from this post)

IV. What’s the ideal pingxie date?

Ah, christ. I dunno if I’ve ever thought about them going on a date? In the middle of tomb raiding, hospital trips and fighting against powers bigger than themselves, I’ve rarely seen any time for them to do something like that lol. But after Ultimate Note, I’ve thought about star gazing a lot. Just them, the infinite night sky and some lonely hilltop. They would probably take a blanket with them, huddle together and talk about things in hushed voices. Wu Xie would go on a ramble about all the constellations and their meanings and mythology behind them and Xiaoge would just nod at him and watch Wu Xie talking. Maybe he would offer some tidbits in the middle of the rambling, making Wu Xie smile brightly. It would be relaxing and comfortable and loving. They would make out a lil bit. Would maybe lie down and play with each other’s hair. All their worries would feel insignificant. Wu Xie would fall asleep for a moment and Xiaoge would wake him up with a kiss to get him moving again so that they don’t need to sleep on the cold ground. They would return home and drink something warm and then go to sleep, cuddled together and happy. relevant edit x

V. What’s your favorite pingxie getting together scenario?

I guess I already talked about this a bit but let me elaborate then! As said, I’d see it happening after the Bronze Gate. I am not sure if it would be right away (they’re both going through so much trauma at that point) or if it would happen after Reboot (maybe we would still need Wu Xie almost dying for them to get their shit together), but I’d say it happens in a rush either way. It’s one of those “I have to tell you something before it’s too late” -type of moments. Or one of those “Bc I love you, you idiot!” -type of moments. I feel like I keep thinking that maybe Wu Xie would have to confess first bc as said, Xiaoge wouldn’t like to burden Wu Xie with his feelings when there’s so little he can give in the sense of normalcy. But then again, I have written a oneshot where Xiaoge is the first one to confess and that always feels better for me. That at some point Xiaoge feels secure enough to tell Wu Xie about his own feelings. That he feels confident and comfortable enough to say it out loud while still expecting nothing in return bc he knows that Wu Xie won’t abandon him either way. But no matter how that happens, I always see it as this dam breaking. The emotions finally become too strong. Something happens that reminds them that life is too short. Something happens that makes them finally talk it out and ah, Pangzi can finally take a break, what a joy

VI. What’s your favorite pingxie moment?

Every adaptation has its own good moments so let me make a list (like I saw someone else do too):

The Lost Tomb:

Xiaoge rescues Wu Xie from the shibie

Wu Xie worrying over unconscious Xiaoge plus taking care of him in the hotel room

The Pingxie MomentTM aka Xiaoge saving Wu Xie from falling and then cradling the boy to his chest while thumb rubbing his shoulder

The Lost Tomb 2:

Xiaoge revealed to be Baldie and Wu Xie yelling at him about it

Lowkey the whole underwater tomb arc bc holy shit that’s gay

Wu Xie losing it when Xiaoge doesn’t come up from the underwater tomb, diving after him and then almost dying himself + Pangzi getting angry at him for being stupid

pingxie ft. magical skype in the bronze tree cave (and Xiaoge being emo about the 1000yo warrior guy right before that)

Xiaoge rescuing Wu Xie from drowning (they shared air, you cannot convince me otherwise) + Wu Xie giving Xiaoge his watch in the hospital (relevant edits x x)

Wu Xie’s face when he sees Zhang Buxun in the coffin bc I love pain :)

Xiaoge not shooting Wu Xie despite not remembering him in the mountain village

Wu Xie grabbing Xiaoge’s jacket after being kidnapped and the Iron Triangle reunites in that old Chen guy’s cabin, asking, “Is that you?” from Xiaoge to make sure that he remembers again while looking like the biggest puppy (relevant edit x)

also some relevant memes x

Ultimate Note:

The hand over mouth reunion in the Golmud Sanatorium

“Xiaoge will ignore anyone else but you”

Xiaoge pretending he isn’t Losing ItTM throughout the whole time Wu Xie is in the Devil’s City with A-Ning

more hand over mouth with the gigantic snake

“The goddess has ascended”

Wu Xie protecting Xiaoge after he returns from the jade meteorite 

“Do you remember me?” “Wu Xie.”

Wu Xie promising to help Xiaoge find his memories no matter what bc Xiaoge’s business is Wu Xie’s business 

“Maybe you can return home with a wife today.” Wu Xie: proceeds to stare at Xiaoge, horrified

“Take me home.”

The sword gifting scene (especially Xiaoge denying the possibility of him killing Wu Xie or them harming each other, relevant edits x x)

other relevant edits for ultimate note x x

Reboot:

Wu Xie telling Xiaoge about his sickness and then Xiaoge coming back and promising to join Wu Xie on his trip (relevant edit x)

the death hallucination bc am a masochist 

Wu Xie’s death dream where Xiaoge calls to him but then accepts his choice to move forward bc am a masochist pt. 2

pingxie reunion in the Thunder City forest where Xiaoge saves Wu Xie & co. from the poisonous gas 

the moment in Thunder City where Wu Xie sits outside at night, eating the peanuts Pangzi gave him and then notices Xiaoge, offering him the peanuts and smiling 

when Xiaoge leaves for the last time and then gets reunited with healed Wu Xie against all odds

the train scene and their softest smiles to each other  

Time Raiders:

Wu Xie being the best bean and just wanting to befriend this mysterious man while seeing right under his skin and making Xiaoge baffled and fall in love in approximately 0.5 seconds

Xiaoge, catch! *proceeds to save only Wu Xie when they fall into that shibie horror chamber*  

Xiaoge’s desperation to save Wu Xie from the crumbling ground 

their death waltz at the end of the movie plus Xiaoge’s sacrifice

+ Sand Sea: 

“Don’t you dare call him Xiaoge!” 

Wu Xie offering his friends and then himself as comfort to Li Cu when he’s scared while smiling very softly at the memory of Xiaoge 

“But isn’t his surname Wu?” Hei Xiazi: You have seen nothing yet, you sweet summer child

Wu Xie talking about Xiaoge’s past in the temple (aka the Tibetan Sea Flower story bc I just adore how pretty they’ve made those scenes) 

VII. What is the best gift Wu Xie and Xiaoge could give each other?

I haven’t really thought about this type of stuff either bc we have already seen a ton of gifts being exchanged! I love the watch Wu Xie gives to Xiaoge in TLT2 as mentioned (it’s so silly but also so sweet) and I love it that Wu Xie gifts Xiaoge with a new sword in Ultimate Note. Also, I feel like I can count the food Wu Xie leaves for Xiaoge in Ultimate Note and that one moment where Xiaoge offers his knife for Wu Xie as a “pen”. They would give anything for each other as long as the other asked (which they never do) so I dunno what type of gift would matter the most. As it’s so hard to say, let me talk about one more headcanon that I’ve been thinking about ever since the infamous Bazaar photoshoot for Ultimate Note/XYL & ZSX. So, we see them having matching rings and necklaces in that photoshoot. I think jewelry would be kind of difficult for Xiaoge to wear when he needs to fight, as jewelry could be a hindrance in that type of situation But my brain won’t shut up about “pingxie married!!!” when I ask this question from it. To be honest, I do not see pingxie getting married in the traditional sense. They don’t need something like that after everything they’ve gone through. But I like to play around with the thought of promise rings. Just them exchanging rings for fun, for their own sakes, to have something concrete that reminds them of their promise to each other and of their feelings. Maybe even Xiaoge could wear that ring under his gloves idk. But am a sucker for that thought so my answer to this is then simply: a ring. relevant edits x x

if you read this far, thank you so much! I hope this gave you something and thank you once more for organizing this and allowing everyone to share their love for pingxie ^^ ♥

[silentprincess0302]

I’ve watched I Told Sunset About You at least 5 times in a row now, but I apparently have no one to rant to and I NEED to rant so bear with me.

First of all can we just appreciate how beautiful the story is? The way it’s portrayed, the way they talk, the location, songs, idk everything is just so poetic. I love how some scenes didn’t need words, and you’d understand it anyway. I love how there are no actual bad guys. The ones they are fighting with are themselves. And everyone has a personality. There’s a story in each and every one of those beautiful, well-written and portrayed characters. I’ll rant about how the story amazes me another time, I just need to focus on the two- Teh and Oh-Aew.

1. Teh

He’s an enigma. Like there’s so much going on with him and sometimes (or most of the times), he doesn’t even understand himself. And there’s so much added to his inner turmoil and identity that just makes me want to try and piece the puzzle but at the same time smother him with a pillow and blanket and yell “PLEASE REST AND BE HAPPY.”

First of all, his family. God, I can’t even start to say how much I relate to him with this. Being compared to hurts like hell. It’s like every thing you do, every step you take, you’d think “Would this be approved? Is this right? Or is this wrong and I’ll be compared again? Will they be proud of me? Will I ever be number 1?” You seek approval for your whole life. First your family, and it will branch out to your whole life. It’s haunting. He solidified his dream to become an actor because his mom was, for once, seemed so proud and excited at the prospect (I’m sure she is proud of him, it’s just that SHOWING it is another story).

And then there’s Oh-Aew. God. The person who shook his entire world. His entire being. If I’m to use Twighlight terms, I’d say he really imprinted on Oh-Aew, and it’s not hard to not see it. There’s a few posts talking about it on Tumblr, and I absolutely agree with them. It’s like, Oh-Aew is really the centre of his world (whether he realises it or not). I know they were kids when they fought, but that person has to be super important to you if it affects you that deeply. They say there’s a thin line between love and hate, and I think this is a good example of it. And to have a strong rivalry meant the love was strong as well- to be able to cross the line.

But “enemies” might be too strong of a word as well. It’s kind of funny, how Teh acts a bit tough and kind of picks a fight with Oh-Aew when what he did the moment he saw Oh-Aew was staring at him again and again. And it’s not even the hate kind of stare. Fascination? Wonder? Curiosity? Longing? Yeah, he talks big with Tarn about their “animosity ” but is it really animosity when he keeps staring, keeps scrolling through this person’s ig, keeps thinking about this person? Who the hell copies someone’s hairstyle if you want to be their enemy? Wouldn’t an enemy want something equally or more amazing, but different? Also he had the audacity to not acknowledge the fact that he was staring at him the whole damn day when Oh-Aew pointed it out. Oh Teh. This is just the tip of the ice-berg.

And when he finally made up with Oh Aew, the dam bursts. He thinks of ways to be close to him again, and not just as friends, but as BEST FRIENDS. He wanted to go “hardcore” immediately and chose his weapon- tutoring. He wanted Oh-Aew with him. He didn’t quite understand why, but he NEEDED Oh-Aew with him. And he wants Oh-Aew to acknowledge it, and see it the same way. He wanted to be special to Oh-Aew too, just like how he is to him. He gets unsettled and upset when he feels like he’s been treated the same as their other friends, and I find this so interesting. He went intense so quick, that I don’t doubt that these intense feelings were there since they were kids. It’s just, at that time, they were kids. As people age, feelings grow into different things, and I guess these their feelings grow to desire, fascination, longing, and love. (Also I squeal every time he admits this. “I don’t like it when ...”)

And his desire grew even more. The more time he spends with Oh-Aew, the more he seems to be wanting to possess him. To see him. To be in his presence. When Oh-Aew’s not there, he’s so unsettled. He touches random things, he paces, tosses around.. He’s lost. But his desire was so apparent. Sometimes, the way he looks at Oh-Aew, it seems like he wanted to devour him whole. This aspect, I feel, clicked when he sniffed his “friend”’s hair so intensely. Damn, the way he sniffed.. You can see the desire. He literally sniffed with his whole body!! Damn. And from there it gets intense and more intense. He’s suddenly aware of it bit by bit. “Coconut, coconut, coconut.” He went home, sniffed the coconut. I use the word sniff and it sounds super cute, but he didn’t do it very cutely haha. Sensual would be more fitting. The scent that he used to hate, is now the scent he seems to yearn as well. Desire by association?

I don’t think he’s stupid, and he’s damn aware that there’s something different he’s feeling about Oh-Aew. He might not understand it at that moment, so he started to play a bit dumb, continue with Tarn, and act “normal”. Is that really normal though, Teh? And Oh-Aew, bless his wit (or else we’ll forever see this static state) made him realize that boy, think different. Think, desire. Think, love. The scene at the beach, the coy atmosphere, was beautiful. I love how Oh-Aew coaxed him gently, and didn’t force him to come to him. To let Teh see him that way. The possibility. And when Teh just came to him, followed him around, desire just radiating in waves, eyes heavy-lidded with it,.. Ah, their relationship shifts yet again. And the scene where he “scratched” his back, Teh was almost lost in it. Almost gave in. Until he touched Oh-Aew’s chest and well damn. He’s a boy. And he slips away.

It’s not that simple, because this wasn’t his plan. He wanted to go to his chosen university, make his mom proud, make his family proud, succeed, have a good career, have a family with Tarn (which his mom apparently will be proud of so, bonus points). And where does Oh-Aew fit in this? Ideally, a friend would be perfect, but they’re not exactly friends, are they? But if he chooses Oh-Aew, what about his plans? His mom? The person who he seeks approval the most. It’s too much.

So he overcompensates with tutoring, the thing that made sense to him. What fits. But it hurts both of them. To Oh-Aew, who wanted Teh’s heart, and Teh, who also wanted Oh-Aew, but is trying to hold himself back and pushes Oh-Aew away, YET try to be close through tutoring. He wants to get away, but he can’t. He mentally, emotionally, and physically can’t. So he made the idioms book, in hopes Oh-Aew would appreciate it, and possibly forgive him (while staying friends?). But why was he lying to himself? The moment he saw Oh-Aew receiving his book, he couldn’t leave. He paced, and he peeked again. And he just can’t win. He’s lost in Oh-Aew’s presence and gaze, and the yearning builds up again, and he wanted to be close, close, close to Oh-Aew. He wanted to inhale his scent, inhale Oh-Aew. When they finally hugged behind the staircase, it’s like, ah, yes. I’m grounded again. (Also can we appreciate the music and cinematography during this scene? BEAUTIFUL). Still in this grounded trance, they went swimming, until oh, he’s pulled down, to a place where no one could see them, no one could judge them. And that’s when he finally let his yearning take over more and kiss him. Finally have him where he actually wanted him, but wasn’t possible due to the reality, the world, people around him. Masterpiece of a scene. Istg.

But of course, everything went straight to hell after. Sure, there were initial blissful moments, and then, when he realized that ah, this is the world again, he took two steps back, and broke Oh-Aew’s heart, and his own. And he knows this. Knows that he actually really damaged them now, and when he was told he couldn’t be friends anymore, it crushed him. How would he be able to live without Oh-Aew? His world. His anchor. So he grasped at things to save his world when he knows Oh-Aew was hurting, and made one desperate, big-scale attempt. Give up his place at university. His dreams. He gave everything to Oh-Aew. He can’t bear to see him suffer and lose his dreams, so he gave up his. I just, I can’t describe it in words.

This was a huge sacrifice. Might be the biggest sacrifice yet. And damn, Oh-Aew didn’t take it? He rejected his efforts, rejected him. The world he was protecting, rejected him (I’ll talk about Oh-Aew later). It hurts. And when he opened the pages of his book, it’s all cut out. He’d already given everything to Oh-Aew. And the one thing he had, the one weapon he had, tutoring, he can’t use it anymore. He just lost both his spot, and Oh-Aew. It hurts. It hurts.

I like that he was a bit passive aggressive at class, and he hinted that Oh-Aew shouldn’t have taken his efforts so lightly, etc. But when Oh-Aew didn’t quite return his passive aggressiveness, and he had this sincere exchange conversation with Bas instead, Teh’s world stopped again. How could Bas tell Oh-Aew what he wanted to tell him so easily? Why is everyone okay about it? How was it so easy? And there it is. He saw Oh-Aew smiling. “This was what I couldn’t give him. Now I lost him.”

He doesn’t have any more cards. No tutoring cards. He only had his words and his heart. But if he can’t fully accept himself, how’s he supposed to face Oh-Aew? Losing Oh-Aew was devastation. The conversation he had with Hoon was so important. The first time he confessed his feelings out loud. With words. And Hoon’s reply.. I just. Wow, he’s a wonderful brother. And ah, now that he had some acceptance, he could finally accept himself. But he can’t do anything at the moment of course, because Oh-Aew’s with Bas now.

So he fulfills his promise to Oh-Aew at least. I wonder what he was thinking at this point. Did he come to terms that he won’t be close to Oh-Aew anymore? Was he ready to let him go? AND THEN THE MIGHTY SCENE. When Oh-Aew said he just wants Teh to not disappear on him and could be anything Teh wants, Teh’s just like. “Ah. My world’s coming back together. And I’m ready.” “If I can be anything, can I be your boyfriend?”

UGHHHHH THE AMOUNT OF FEELS. Teh’s character is SUCH a journey, but it’s a book I’d love to read and reread, and discover the little things I haven’t discovered before. I love how complex he is, and that we can see so clearly his struggles, turmoil, yearning, and finally, acceptance.

2. Oh-Aew

One thing that I would love is more insight on Oh-Aew’s character. But he, too, is a whole character journey. Have you ever felt like you had no aim? Nowhere to head to, just a mindless walk?

Oh-Aew didn’t have a dream. He didn’t want anything, but it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. It sounds like it’s nothing much, but imagine being in a desert. With no directions. Or like a dark room, where you desperately try to find a light, just somewhere to look at, somewhere to go, something to do.

And then he found it, his light. His passion. Acting. It’s like when a starved man finally sees food, or when a locked person finally sees the world. He sees motivation. He sees purpose. He sees something he could strive for, and make his parents proud of him. Now imagine that when you finally found that motivation and sense of purpose, someone who you care about, someone you hold dear and never thought would betray you, says you wouldn’t be able to do it, and that you’d give up anyways.

I don’t know how to stress this, but being told that you’re incapable of succeeding at a young age really affects your thinking. Humans by nature, don’t like to be told what they can or cannot do, and it’s the same for Oh-Aew. So he takes that as a challenge, and tries his whole life to prove Teh wrong. To be honest, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A curse because he had ongoing thoughts about how he needs to be the best, and that he needs to prove someone wrong. But a blessing because he now has another motivation to strengthen his attempts to reach his dreams. Personally, I, too, find competitions a push for me to be better. But it also had negative impact on me. I wasn’t satisfied with anything I achieved, I just wanted to bulldoze through. And if there’s even a smallest mistake, I’d beat myself up. It’s not a healthy lifestyle.

And when he finally met with this person again, not only did he keep on staring at him, he also brought up his academic weakness and implied that he’ll fail. Again. Again. And what’s worst is he was partly right. He didn’t get the placement.

Okay I’m going to stop there for Oh-Aew’s motivation and ambition, because I’ll get emotional lol I relate too much. So on to Teh.

What’s interesting about Oh-Aew is that I’m not really sure what he’s thinking, and he’s quite a mystery. But at the same time, he has this presence that’s just, healing and addictive. He doesn’t force, doesn’t push. He coaxes, he’s gentle. But he knows what he wants, and he’s clear about it. I’d love to know the thoughts he had for Teh when they met, though. Because, even though we weren’t shown what was going through his head, or the degree of which he thought of Teh, he obviously sees Teh as different from the rest.

When Teh told him he’s upset that he’s being treated like everyone else, Oh-Aew was just like. “Bestie, why didn’t you tell me? Let me affirm your position. Here’s my big secret.” WITHOUT hesitation. He didn’t think it was weird or anything, all he wanted was to make Teh smile again. And he’s so in tune with Teh. Whenever Ten’s upset, he just knows, asks, and he’ll wait for Teh to be ready, and when he’s ready, he’ll listen to Teh and comfort his unease. I understand how Teh would be so entranced. Oh-Aew was like a breath of fresh air, the quiet comfort, yet alluring and addictive.

And one of my favorite parts would be when Teh told him to not give his time to others, Oh-Aew said it to him right back with such a challenging look on his face. And I think it’s interesting, because he doesn’t really show that much aggression (it wasn’t really aggressive, but he had a harder tone than usual). It shows how Oh-Aew is quite clever in hiding what he wants to hide, or maybe he could even store it in a secret box inside his head and try to ignore it. I’m saying this because we kept seeing how Teh checked and rechecked who saw his story with Tarn, but he couldn’t see Oh-Aew’s name, and Oh-Aew didn’t really seem affected by it. But when Teh mentioned about time, he suddenly took off mask and it’s as if he said, “You’re bothered with me giving your time to others? Okay my bad, but you’re also giving my time others. You think I don’t know? I’m also bothered.” And at this point I was like, ah, so Oh-Aew does notice. And he does gets bothered. It continues on to Teh sniffing the hell out of his hair and he’s just like what? And he thinks, and he thinks, and he looks at the coconut shampoo. And he thinks.

Teh.

And he puts on more shampoo, which suggested how he actually welcomes the thought of Teh liking the smell on him. He wants Teh to like him. More coconut, more coconut. Like me.

But he’s patient, Oh-Aew is. He doesn’t push Teh, he just observes, tests, and when he’s quite sure, he launches his gentle yet dangerous attacks. He made sure Teh was looking at him, thinking of him (not that he actually needed to, Teh was already full of Oh-Aew thoughts HAHA but it does help, to push Teh a bit), and he coaxes. He introduced the possibility of them gently.

But how long could a person wait? How many times can a person get rejected? When he realized he liked Teh, he didn’t tip toe his way around Teh like he did with Bas, he went full force. It’s like, just as Teh was like a hungry lion, Oh-Aew was a prey enticing to be eaten. He wanted to be eaten. He liked Teh’s attention, wanted Teh’s attention, more than anything. He wanted him. After all, Teh was behind his motivation his whole life. He wanted Teh to see him, to love him, to embrace him. Accept him. How long can he be patient? The lion knows he’s hungry, but he refuses to eat. Yet; the lion keeps the prey to himself, to his clutches, to his territory. But the lion won’t do anything directly, so is the prey not worthy enough to be eaten? If not, why put it in the lion’s yearning clutches?

Every time Teh seemed to move forward, Oh-Aew gets disappointed when he moves two steps back. And it’s maddening, because now Teh is just at the center of his world, but he can’t access it. There’s a wall, and this wall keeps him from truly being with Teh. And he’s so addicted to Teh, to Teh’s attention, and he wants more. He had the taste of it, but just as he gets to taste- it’s gone. And he knows why. And it goes back to his own anxiety of being not worthy. Not worthy of a dream, not worthy for a person. Are his parents even proud of him? He desperately tried to change, maybe if I change my gender, he’d like me? He’d accept me? But of course it’s not possible; and it breaks him. Is he even worthy of anything?

And he decided to give up. I might be just assuming, but it’s as if “I’m not smart, why bother. I’m not lovable, why bother.” And he wanted to lock himself in that dark room again, to be aimless, to be numb, to not feel anymore of the pain of not being enough.

And this is the part where I want to rant the most. His rejection of Teh’s place in university. Yes, at first I questioned it too, but did he look happy at all when he rejected it? People have mentioned that Teh’s sacrifice was the answer to Oh-Aew’s earlier question “If the teacher chose you, would you have given it to me?” (Somewhere along these lines). That yes, he would give it up to Oh-Aew.

But Oh Aew too, was answering an accusation made on him. He doesn’t, and never did, want to steal Teh’s dream. All he wanted was an inspiration, a rival to compete with, not to crush. Not to destroy. To me, Teh giving up his place could mean two things to Oh-Aew: Teh was first offering to be destroyed, and second, it would mean that the whole rivalry, inspiration, chase, ambition was colored gray when before it was a burning bright red. There was an idiom that they learned, “Easy pickings.” To get something when you didn’t put so much effort in. And I think, if I was in his place, I’d feel that it was an easy picking, because someone intentionally gave it to him on a silver platter. More so, his love, his rival, his inspiration gave it to him, like the whole competition didn’t matter. I don’t know the intention of the writers, but I feel that it was like Oh-Aew also didn’t want to be the one holding the knife of destroying Teh’s dream. Because he never wanted to. And the competition, the inspiration to his ambition and growth which all started and continued from and around Teh, would mean less. To be a competent rival, he needs to get there by himself.

Also I think if he did accept it, it would be a whole cycle again. Teh would have a card, and he’d never realize that the card’s not what Oh-Aew wants. Oh-Aew only wants his heart. Both of them needed this. Teh needed to know this, and Oh-Aew needed a push to realize his supposed purpose and motivation again. Which he will achieve, by himself, with his own hands, as a worthy rival. And if he gets it, he can say HE did it. He won’t have to feel guilty all his life for “stealing” Teh’s place. Damn. I’ve always wanted to say this since I don’t see much about people talking about Oh-Aew’s side in this.

On to Bas, it’s actually quite heartbreaking to see how he treated Oh-Aew exactly how he wanted. To be accepted and loved without hesitance, to hold hands without a care in the world, to be able receive love without walls. Bas is truly golden. But it’s just not who Oh-Aew wanted. He wasn’t quite Teh, and Bas knows this, and guided him back to Teh. UGH BAS I HOPE YOU FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY.

And finally, the sunset scene. I like how he didn’t apologize about the university placement, but he knew he didn’t want to lose Teh. He already accepted that he might not be what he wants to be by Teh’s side, but he’s willing to take it. Anything. He just wants Teh to not disappear again. And oh, Teh suddenly confessed.

AAAAAAAAAA I CAN’T GET OVER THIS T.T The series is SOOOOO beautiful and well-written. I’m so nervous for Part 2. Pls don’t give them a sad ending. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. Or I might really hypnotize myself to forget the second part and only remember the first one. And and if anyone wants to talk to me and discuss this with me please do!!!!! I love a good discussion T.T and I’m lonely hELP I need to talk about it with someone