#i almost forgot i wrote this lmao i was like 'wait omg i have something to post for today!!!'

[crescenthistory]

Omg Carina hi!!! Congrats on 2k!!! It’s 🧸 anon here (she/her) and you’re so cool for doing this event for us🫶🏻

Like you I’m also studying, last year of nursing if it matters lol, so I completely forgot to check if you answered my request and I just now saw that you did so I’m gonna go read it now! I’m so excited to get my Carina fix🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I’ll add to the celebration - comment on “You occupy my every thought”? Don’t have anything specific I’m just such a sucker for sunshine/grumpy tropes hehe

Also if you’d like maybe comment on the 14k Remus fic? I forgot its name I’m so sorry but the way you wrote Remus made my heart swoon and it was the first ever fic I read of yours so it’s kind of sentimental too🙃

Side note thank you for sharing so much of your personal life with us it makes me personally feel really connected to the writer and it makes sense why your writing really is poetry🥰 again thank you!!

hi my darling! no, thank YOU for participating in my event<33 and for actually enjoying my yapping lmao, i appreciate you sm! last year of nursing is roughhhh, so feel free to just drop by whenever you're free. my blog will always be here for when you need it 🫂 now, i have already more or less commented on "you occupy my every thought" with these headcanons, but i would love to do the remus one!

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i will COMMENT on "It's Nice To Have A Friend" with remus lupin

carina's 2k celebration

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In this fic, you're Remus' childhood best friend, his favourite person on the planet, and your romance reads very much like two people who are perfectly intertwined and destined for each other

So, after the fic fades to black, I can't really see anything but an endgame fairytale ending

Remus writing home to Hope and Lyall, who have known you since you were a kid and befriended Remus despite his obvious differences:

Dear Mam and Tad,

This may not come as a surprise to you – as it seems it has not been for anyone but me – but if it does, I sincerely hope it is a pleasant one.

I am writing to let you know that Y/N and I's friendship has officially become something more and I am happy to call her my partner.

You remained attached at each other's side for the precious few months you had left at Hogwarts – this time without a spec of anxiety or guilt

I will say, it took a while for you to school all guilt out of Remus though, as his former guilt for daring fall in love with you occasionally transformed into guilt for "letting you love a halfbreed"

But you did what you did best – you kissed it away

You were far from above cradling Remus in your arms until he melted into you, whispering sweet nothings into his hairline

There was a lot of:

"I have loved you unequivocally more or less my whole life, cariad. I am not about to change that now."

"Would you love me any less if I changed? If I became a lycanthrope or a vampire or sick or poor?" "You know I wouldn't."

"Shhh, none of that. None of that, my sweet boy."

"You're just Remus to me."

Because of his particular situation, Remus had to become closer with certain members of Hogwarts staff than most other students would – particularly Pomfrey, Dumbledore and McGonagall

And I believe all of them would often share looks at how obvious the love blooming between these young students was

I have always had a particular moment in mind for when Pomfrey first noticed your connection in second year

It was the first time Remus got injured enough during a full moon to stay at the infirmary overnight, at a time where none of his dormmates knew

You, on the other hand...

Pomfrey opened the door to her office chambers right by the entrance to the infirmary at the frantic knocking. A sigh was already brewing on her lips at whatever piece of work must be waiting for her outside the wooden door this early.

She flung it open only to nearly hit your reddened, almost teary face.

"Madam Pomfrey," you squeaked in that youngin voice it seems all students spouted at that age. "Is Remus here?"

The concern was evident on your face, etched into your every furrow that were much deeper than a child should have. "I'm afraid I cannot answer that, Miss L/N," she said, not without sympathy. Patient confidentiality and all.

"Please," you whispered. "I know he's here, it was a full moon. Please can I go see him."

Unable to do anything else in the face of such youthful misery, and having heard in passing from Dumbledore before that "the Ravenclaw girl knows", she merely gestured in the direction of Remus' overnight bed.

A "thank you!" had barely made it past your lips before you walked away so quickly it could rival someone running – a loophole you had already found to the "no running in the halls" rule, surely.

Pomfrey followed to see you fling yourself to the floor beside Remus' bed, not even sparing the time to drag one of the nearby chairs closer to sit more comfortably. Your knees were on the cold floor, your hands scrambling to find his laying limp and bandaged on the white linen, but when you did, your touch turned almost painfully gentle.

"Rem? Remmy, cariad, it's me. Hi, hi, it's me." Your voice was soft, a gentle waking of the boy who should technically still be sleeping. It was clear you couldn't help yourself.

Remus' heavy eyelids fluttered open and the look in them once they found you, soft and at home, a stark contrast to how she found him the night before, struck Pomfrey right in the chest.

Oh, she had thought. This is going to be one of the lovestories I remember.

Thus, when she saw you two walking hand in hand as you passed the infirmary one of the last months of your 7th year, smiling widely and waving at her, she felt nothing short of contentment and warmth

Finally

Similarly with McGonagall and Dumbledore:

At the end of breakfast, there was nothing left to do but discreetly watch the students as they began preparing for the rest of their days, gaining an overview of what the dynamics were like at the moment and if they were all alright.

McGonagall's eyes were gliding over the Gryffindor table, not at all deterred by the splotch of blue that represented you in the midst of Potter and Co. She had grown more than used to you as an honorary member.

What did catch her attention, though, was when you got up and out of your seat, hoisting your bag over your shoulder to head off to a class you didn't share with the rest of them – right before you left, Remus caught your hand and pulled you down to him for a sweet kiss.

Not the forehead kisses she had seen before, not to the hand. No, he was smiling against your lips.

She arched an amused brow at the scene, glancing sideways to look at Dumbledore who was smiling into his plate.

"Yes," he said simply. "I saw."

She had to hide her smile behind her glass as she brought it up to drink. A silent toast.

All three of them would be invited to the wedding – which I don't think would be too far off after graduation

I imagine you got married the same year as Marlene and Dorcas; a big year of love for your friendgroup

Make no mistake, Sirius would be officiating it

This moment is definitely referenced in Remus' vows to you during the wedding:

“Should I ask you formally to be my girlfriend, or are we just skipping straight to marriage?” he whispered against your lips.

Remus felt almost wolfish when you barked a loud laugh, throwing your head back and tightening your hold on him instinctively. “I think girlfriend’s enough for now, yeah cariad?”

“If you insist.” He kissed you through his grin, realising that this was all he wanted to do now.

"I suggested it already the first day we became official, and even that was too late – I have always been yours and it is my utmost honour to have you always be mine."

Not a single dry eye in the room

James would specifically be crying into Hope's arms

Which Sirius would laugh at until he was a few more drinks in, at which point he would do the same with Effie

(Lily took pictures of both instances with her muggle camera, and they were some of the first in the wedding album)

Should there be an Order of the Phoenix (with a happy ending for all), you and Remus would act as the parental couple beside James, Sirius and Lily

And if you eventually make Remus secure enough in himself and his lycanthropy that he would dare have some puppies? Well, the more the merrier with this lot

The cheesiest, loveliest happily ever after you could desire 🤍

[m1ckeyb3rry]

No because if Raichi just shut up he’d pull LMAOO also if he didn’t say weird shit like “man I can’t play my sexy soccer”??? I guess that’s more tame already for bllk boys but uh

Ouu ok now that you mention it I can imagine nsfw accounts probably get more hate comments…like in a way just because it’s nsfw it’s more polarizing in a way where people can use the fact that’s it’s nsfw as an excuse to talk shit and whatnot….tbh I also think you’re probably safe?? But either way I got your back tho o7

LMAOO no literally it’s impossible to not throw at least one meme moment out there…but also HAHA I can’t wait not only to read it but also to see how long it ends up being LMAOA I’m placing my bet here and saying 15k for now

AHAHAHA honestly when I first started diving into the “manga only” characters I also felt that way…but hey I mean who’s stopping you from having two men to dedicate your blog to!! My b for fueling those thoughts LMAOAO the Karasu ideas were just too good though hehe

I’m ngl I completely forgot notes were a thing HSGSHS ok but yeah honestly really just a matter of popularity because that Sae tag is overflowing (also just generally even on social media like tiktok almost every other bllk post I see involves the Itoshi bros like) trust once people are shown tabieita it’s over for your notifications…(bro I’m STILL not over them not showing Karasu in the trailer??? We just got his chin like NO I need to see the hair too please Otoya did look majestic in that though!! Also in a recent interview some animating director I think acknowledged how s1 had to be a bit rushed because of deadlines but they have more time producing s2 so I’m hoping that means animation glow up?!?!)

YEAH HE WAS CAPTAIN IN FWTKAC!! But literally like honestly he should’ve been captain for the u20 match too Rin was NOT leading anybody let’s be real…also I was under the assumption that captains didn’t have to be the aces or main strikers of their team either? Like aikus a defender too ugh we could’ve had captain Karasu but whatever!!! I’m fully believing that in some point in time he was captain of Bambi

LOSERSEXUAL LMFAOOOOO TRUE!!! Something about the sad loser boys tugging at y/n’s heartstrings…I’m crying because literally Hiori canonically does NOT leave the house and Karasu would be there like “babe I can deal with all the taxes and finances and I’m captain and I style my hair and I’m smart and can read social cues too and I have friends and-“

Sassy younger sibling who humbles and puts their older sibling into place when they get a big head due to popularity >>>

LMFAO MALE PATTERNED BALDNESS I did not know that was the name for that type of buzz though so, the more yk!!

Well you guessed correctly I was giggling kicking my feet like “omg the smash reference and Otoya finding out sheik is a girl mentioned” HAHAH Otoya not realizing his own feelings is now my favorite>>>

Ok wait but the real question is HOW MUCH WERE THOSE CUPCAKES?? I’ve seen many a ridiculously priced dessert and I’m curious about how much you imagined them being LMAO

No me too I can never imagine myself being with a cheater or even being much more than surface acquaintances with one!! It just doesn’t really make sense to me but FR honestly you wrote it really well because when I read that I could FEEL the teenage dumbassery like this is definitely more so a stupid boy still in puberty limbo who doesn’t really know how to go about actually loving someone and is kinda just recklessly having fun in a way that society has kinda established

I LOVED IT it had the exact vibe of “oh no that’s just my homie that I like spending every second of everyday with nothing more than bros though” that I had imagined Otoya would have if he ever actually loved someone SHSHS CANNOT WAIT have fun writing the Karasu one I just KNOW it’ll be a delight to read

Also wait I’m gonna mash the light novel thoughts here too

And yeah I know a bit!!! Definitely not 100% fluent by any means but enough to be able to consume media and have most everyday conversations I just mainly can’t do super niche technical terms LOL It does take me a bit longer to read than if it were in English No you’re not dumb at all LMAO that’s exactly what I meant when I mentioned translating earlier on HAHA

As mentioned before though I’ve only gotten through like chapter 1 of yuki’s so far partially because of slower reading but also because I got sidetracked doom scrolling after trying to dig for a tiktok LMAO

BUT I almost cried looking at the index though one of the later chapters for yuki is “a lifetime’s worth of tears” GOODBYE I think we all know what that’s about :,,,)

Once I finish read them in their entirety I’ll come back and slap more formal summaries of each chapter but basically YUKI IS SUCH A SENTIMENTAL BOY SHSGSH basically first chapter details his first day of elementary school/entrance ceremony (he’s got a loving set of parents thank god) but basically he’s a rather mature boy and is pretty stoic and shy so he worries about making friends. As he’s walking in there’s Sakura trees in the yard that are causing petals to fall and yuki grabs one and stores it in his pocket (that’s where he gets his “fetish” from ig LMAO) In the end he befriends his seatmate and another girl, and ofc the way they first meet is just via self-intros and reading each others name tags and the name tag part is highly emphasized in the chapter!! His seatmate makes it a point to stare at his name tag and the girl literally like yanks his shirt to get a better look at the name tag (LMAO). Anyways, first day goes well and yuki goes home with his parents all happy and whatnot until he gets home and starts changing into home clothes and realizes his name tag isn’t with his jacket like he thought it was supposed to be!! He gets all frantic because the name tag was really special to him, since his mom had handwritten his name onto it and (this next part is more implied) it was a memento of his first day at school where he managed to make friends! So he literally runs out like mom I can’t find it and his mom’s like “oh no! We’ll just have to order you another one then” and yukis like “No..that one was special..” so literally right before they plan to eat dinner he runs out back to school to try and search for it and ofc (as the non negligent parents they are) his parents chase after him!! They end up going back and forth tracing their steps from their home to school like three times and yukis like on the ground searching under cars and just checking everywhere and after their third try his parents are like “it’s time to go home kenyu…we’ll order you another don’t worry! You must be hungry now” and begrudgingly on the verge of tears yuki’s like ok…and goes to take some sakura petals from the ground at least to make up for it but turns out his name tag was buried under the petals shdgshsh he’s so happy he’s crying tears of joy* and he’s glad he didn’t give up and his parents are hugging him as he cries and he thinks to himself “God was looking out for me, as long as I don’t give up, these sorts of wonderful things will be sure to happen” and it ends with “His honesty and determination gave birth to a small miracle”

It was so cute he really held that name tag close to his heart even after just one day!! And he’s very perceptive..like when his parents were getting ready to go back home he realized that they’re probably also exhausted and you can kinda feel that he feels bad about that which is why he reluctantly agrees to going home! He was also really nervous entering school LOL even his parents were a bit worried that he was too quiet/stoic to make friends

Ok onto reading more so I can come back here or maybe by the time I’m done I’ll have just decided to compile a large list of summaries LMAO

-Karasu anon

please ignore how crazy quickly my chronically online ass is responding to this LMAOAOA but yes i feel like raichi is missing a certain smth that would allow him to get away w saying bs?? like if we look at the unholy trinity of making sexual comments while playing soccer we have shidou which like ok that’s just shidou, karasu who is so chill normally + established as a menace that it kinda cancels out, and aiku who’s hot enough that it’s acceptable somehow?? raichi doesn’t have any of that going for him plus we have literally never seen him play “sexy soccer” a day in his life so what is he even talking abt 😭

i agree i think nswf/dark content accounts naturally are more susceptible to hate just because they’re writing abt things that may or may not be acceptable to the general public so people freak out abt that and their automatic response is to hate…honestly it’s a shame LMAO i’ve also seen a lot of stuff on tik tok where younger people in fandom make fun of older members of fandoms and it’s just like 😭 who do you think is making half of the content you consume 😭 because it for sure is not your fellow twelve year olds who are still learning grammar 😩 personally i am many years away from being even close to thirty so i don’t take it PERSONALLY per se but idk it’s just sad i wish people would abide by the whole “live and let live” policy because why is it hurting you that some random adult you will never interact with irl likes watching anime or writing fanfiction?? HAHAHA anyways rant aside yes i think i’m in as much of a green zone as you can get in terms of being safe from hate so i try not to worry too much 😩 like what would people even be mad abt…sorry for writing too much abt karasu ig???

I LOVE THE KARASU IDEAS DON’T WORRY LMAOO he’s my king nagi just gets the “first bllk character i hyperfixated on” award so he will probably remain number one for a while just because of that 😭 although like as much as i love him i know for a fact that irl i WOULD be going for karasu because as much as i like taking care of other people i have been too spoiled for my entire life to ever go for someone who wouldn’t continue a that trend i fear that nagi may not fit the bill 😫💔 he’s still my man though it’s ok

HAHAH we avoid the itoshi bros here as you well know 😌 unless it’s a request or they’re a second lead i will NOT be writing those mfs!! on this blog we care about side characters only 😍 and nagi…he’s kind of his own thing though LMAOAOA and yes it looks like the animation will be much better which i’m super excited abt!! i didn’t hate the bllk animation for s1 that much either so it really can only get better for me

OKAY I THOUGHT SO and yeah i feel like karasu lowkey acted like the captain for the whole u20 game too?? like he was making calls and plays on the field (even though lowkey isagi stayed ignoring him KDCJSJS) as well as arguing w the ref got injured AND ego called him the heart of the team so idk why he wasn’t the captain…rin being captain made no sense bro didn’t even like his teammates 😭 i think it was just to further show that he’s the “best” but he did not have one captain-like moment in the entire game 😩 i’ll cry if he’s the captain of the u20 world cup squad…give me captain karasu/aiku or give me DEATH jinpachi ego ik you see karasu carrying pxg and bossing everyone around pls give him what he deserves (i wouldn’t mind aiku though just because he’s the oldest out of everyone and def has experience as a leader)

LITERALLY KARASU IS CRASHING OUTTT what does hiori have that he doesn’t (besides an erotic left leg) like he’s sobbing on the floor BEGGING y/n for a chance and she’s just like 😍 you mean that man hasn’t seen the sun in a week ⁉️ i NEED him 🤤 (hiori is none the wiser he just thinks karasu is up to his usual nonsense and he doesn’t have enough social intelligence to realize a girl into him)

heheh i love throwing little references to our convos into my fics i think they rlly add a certain layer to them (otoya sheik scene vs karasu drowning scene who will win) i’m glad you appreciate them!! and YES oblivious otoya my king i love him sm

$50 USD is what i had in mind!! that’s why y/n freaks out like otoya is hooking her up with the GOOD shit meanwhile he can’t even be bothered to spend $10 on the girl he’s actually dating LMAOAO he is actually insane a little bit 😓 the way the bakery wasn’t even having a sale so he had to have KNOWN y/n wanted cupcakes from there, went inside for specifically that purpose, texted his sister to make sure he was getting the right ones, and then spent a lowkey ridiculous amt of money all because he “wanted her advice” like i need him to be so serious rn…

yeah that’s also why i didn’t have y/n actively pining for him until he decided to better himself!! ofc she very clearly liked him a lot but she was far too aware of his nonsense to do anything abt it until he fixed himself and came to HER as a better version if that makes sense?! ofc it was her advice that made him realize what he had to do but she didn’t put in a drop of emotional labor it was all him!! i think that’s the only way to handle a character like him without devaluing the mc or making her seem stupid for getting w such an obvious red flag

that’s the vibe i wanted to give off like he thinks they’re such good homies that his strong emotions are because of their friendly bond!! i bet you he mentally little-sister-zoned y/n for a hot minute because there was “no other explanation” for why he liked her so much and she was best friends w his little sister so it only made sense to his dumbass

OKAY YAY I’M GLAD I DIDN’T MISUNDERSTAND that’s rlly fun!! japanese is such a cool language there’s so many intricacies to it which i think are so fascinating (but make it rlly hard to learn i’m sure). i’m bilingual too in that i can speak hindi fluently (and better than a lot of people who actually live in india can) but sadly i cannot read or write it so i’m always jealous of people that can read another language

the doom scrolling on tik tok is unbelievably real my tt screentime is so bad 😰 it makes up for it by being the source of many of my greatest ideas (that’s how i justify it) as well as my favorite edits…just the other day i saw an edit of marc snuffy (the ubers coach) and his one friend that committed suicide to the song “forever young” i lowkey teared up (not actually but ykwim)

STOPPP MY HEART YUKI IS SO SWEETTTTTT and he actually had a kind and normal family YAY!! i feel like this reaffirms what we were talking abt where he just doesn’t care about random people’s lives which is why his egoist bible entry is what it is but he’s def rlly caring for the people he’s close to 🥹🥹🥹 ugh the way he invented greenflagism…also PLS he started young w those cherry blossoms jeez 😭 yes pls keep me updated w the ln idk how long it will take for it to be translated so i am relying on you 🫡 in return i will give you bfb karasu’s version 😈 i think that’s a fair trade 🤫

[youdontknowe]

Alright folks buckle up I have a fic to read

- Her seeing dean in hell when she’s asleep Is HEARTBREAKING

- Cas!!!! Save our boy

- Bolivia? Damn she’s been travelling

- The fact she’s fighting and letting herself get hurt is so sad

- ‘John Winchester should’ve killed you when he met you’ oh bby no

- Old witch dropping more lore

- Tea leaves being set on fire is so funny cus only that would happen to her

- The future reading that heaven has a heavy lock on is cool cus would they have known cas would drag deans ass out

- ‘You’re a fucking douchebag’ one day she’s gonna realise she called literal angels every curseword under the sun and some more and i want to know how she feels about it when that happens

- Aww I like that she likes sharing things she thinks would be interesting to sam

- Also Kansas isn’t that where the bunker is so maybe that’s where the vortex is?

- Oh deans gonna get reunited with everyone and freak when none knows where tf she’s gone

- ‘You feel like an occupying army’ cus your a force to be reckoned with pookie

- Ooooo more lore people more lore!!!

- If I could pic any fic to be made into a show I’d have a bitch of a time choosing this or NLL I can’t lie (random though I know)

- ‘Do you like ghost stories?’ Heh you have no idea

- “Monster hunters. It is not well written, either.” MY FACE WHEN I READ THAT 😧

- Oooo men of letters I forgot about them being a thing also them hunting her is 😬 they’re gonna get their shit kicked in (I was right)

- ITS HAPPENING

- OMG

- Awwww the period panic buying of Bobby

- Their lil conversation is everything it was just very nicely normal them talking again yk?

- ‘He hadn’t been asking that much. It had been almost a whole freakin’ day since he last asked.’ Lol so impatient (id be the same)

- ‘They were talking about very, very different things’ CACKLING sams worried deans thinks she’s moved on and dean knows better and is more worried she’s done something stupid (she has technically)

- Oooooo I like the book details thank you Sam for the detailed information

- (THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING OFF JO)

- “That’s true, I guess you’re more in love with her-“ Ehehe lil shit Sam

- Dean is so ready to throw hands at Chuck cus what do you mean she doesn’t fit??

- “What does she smell like?” Dean that’s an odd question to throw out there

- Awww poor Dean just now learning how dog shit his dad was

- Damn baldy is a dick

- Ooooo is this gonna be like nll when she accidentally just gives him pigeon/benophone (I know nda don’t answer that I want it to be a surprise)

- Lmao the casual cut off and “see you in five months!”

- “Did she now” oooooo I can’t wait for princess to see her and be like so where did you fuck off to months ago?

- And that’s a wrap yall! 10/10 as usual I don’t think I could ever give your writing any less of a rating. And thank you for not giving us a whole chapter of suffering I don’t think I could have coped 🥲 *gasp* THE DANCE CAN HAPPEN ONCE THEY REUNITE (the possibility that Is)

- Also when I was waiting on bobbys colour i definitely just read it the first time either half asleep or completely missed it lmao

- The soul categories sounds really interesting (I can’t remember if I wrote it when I read it)

- Thank you and I love the series! see you for the next post 💙

Chapter 16 - Try to Catch It

Series Masterlist - Main Masterlist

Author's Note: Google maps, wikipideia, and the spn wiki hate to see me coming right before I write a new chapter.

Chapter Title from Happiness is a butterfly by Lana Del Ray

Word Count: 17.8k

Chapter Summary/Warnings: New enemies are made, and strange things are uncovered. Usual warnings

Tags: Dean Winchester/Female Reader, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, angst, fluff, pining, action

Chapter 15 - Chapter 17

Read on A03!

You can’t smell anything but sulfur. Hear anything but screams. See anything but foul, thick darkness, and iron chains, and rivers of blood below your feet. 

And Dean.

You can see Dean.

He never looks at you. You’re here, every fucking night, and he never turns around and looks at you. He’ll move right through you, and past you, and around you. 

It’s what you deserve.

You failed him. There are bruises and scars over the Gold, and they’re your fault. You were the weak one, and Dean’s suffering for it. He’s battered and worn and beaten down, there are little shadows swirling around his soul that keep it fully from your vision, and you fucking did this to him.

He glides through everything like it’s mechanical. Every last piece of the boyish, smug charm in his steps and voice and words are gone. He doesn’t even speak at all.

He never does anything more hold those weapons in his hands, and add blood to the floor. 

And Dean won’t look at you because he can’t see you. 

Because you’re not here to him at all.

You stopped trying to make him see you a while ago. When it became obvious that no matter how loud you screamed his name he wouldn’t hear, no matter how much you sobbed at his feet he wouldn’t notice, and that when you shoved him—hard, as if the sheer force of it could rocket him back up to your side—you passed right through him, as if you were the dead one.

You miss him.

You tell him that every night, over the screams of the other damned. That you miss him, and he’s gone and will never know it, but you’re going to keep missing him, and loving him, and telling him every night until you join him.

It’s easier than looking at the people on the racks in front of him. All the color spilling down with the blood. It’s like oil. Dark and glinting and covering the world.

But this is better than when it was gold, mixing with the blood. 

And you can see the souls of the people who are screaming now. Most of them are mundane. Dull, neutral, flat tones that you’d never look at twice.

But they’re not Golden.

And it’s not Dean’s fault he does this.

You’ve seen the comfortable, smooth, vile gray of the demon that’s over his shoulder. He can’t see or hear you—none of them can—but you still try to hurt him, every time he comes near. You did, when it was Dean on the rack, and you did it only minutes ago when he was pacing around the victim—a twisting smile forming in his rolling smoke—and you’ll keep doing it until you scream and scratch and it actually fucking does something.

It won’t. It never does. 

So you’ve settled for petty mockery, to ease that pain.

“He’s ugly, Deano.” You hum, examining your nails as he slices into another, cleaner soul with a knife.

He won’t hear you.

But it does make you feel better. 

“You wouldn’t like him, back home. You’d call him a douchebag.” You pause, watching him return to your side, but only to grab another tool. “You did call him a douchebag. A few weeks ago. And a lot of other, better names. You’ve always been better at insults, though.”

He doesn’t answer.

“You’d be proud of me.” You keep going. This whole thing is for you, anyway. “I called someone a cunt yesterday. But you also would’ve said ‘you do that without me too, Princess.’ And I do. But I- I still wanted to tell you.”

Dean picks up something like a poker, turning it over in his hand. Your voice is starting to get choked. 

This always fucking happens.

“I miss you.” You whisper. “I miss you so fucking much. And I know you’re gone, but I still miss you. And I-“ 

You always choke on the words. He’ll never hear them. You still need to say it anyway. 

“I love you, Dean.” You reach a slightly glowing hand up to his face, tracing over the lines of his cheeks, as he scowls at the victim over his shoulder. “I do. I love you, and I miss you, and I’m-“ You swallow down a weak, useless sob. “I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

There’s a brief moment where he pauses. Where you could fucking swear Dean leans into your touch, and the Gold flares a little brighter, and when green eyes scan over the fire and blood, it’s like he’s looking for something. 

You don’t cling to this a lot. He’s done it before.

And he still never sees you. 

Dean returns to his rack, and you sit by his side and keep your eyes trained on his pretty face, telling him more and more about your day while you can. While you have Dean—even this marred and darkened version of him, because you’re not a fucking saint and you love him more than you hate what he forced to be doing—you’ll talk to him as much as you can.

And you’ll be back later. Your mind hates you, so you’ll be back tomorrow night, and nothing will have changed.

For months, nothing has ever changed.

But you feel it before you hear it. 

Sheer, raw, pure fucking power, rocketing around and over you, making the air electric and hot and strange.

Something is coming.

And nobody else is reacting, in those few seconds before it begins.

Then the screams start, and Dean looks up.

He can hear them.

And they’re warped and distorted, so they’re demon screams, and you don’t know what the fuck is happening but whatever is shredding demons a few floors up is drawing closer.

You’re not really here. There’s nothing you can do. 

But you can sense it, cleaving through hell and getting far too fucking close, aimed like a cannon at Dean, and nobody can hear or see or touch you, but whatever this is, it’s coming for Dean, and you already fucking failed him-

You don’t think when you grab Dean’s arm.

And your nails sink into his skin.

Dean’s head whips around to where you’re standing, and he can see you. You know he can. His eyes are shining, and that river of silver light that’s been muddied over in his soul is starting to gleam the longer he stares, and-

He says your name. His voice is hoarse and rough, but Dean says your name, and if the power wasn’t so fucking close, you would’ve started crying.

“What’re you-“

Something nuclear slams into you, and you let go of him with a shriek. It’s loud. It’s so fucking loud, and it’s too much, and the Silver is trying to expand out of your body but it’s as if something—maybe the fact that you’re really, truly, not real here—is clamping and shoving it down.

Dean shouts your name as you collapse on the jagged stone, reaching for you with a panicked expression, but he never gets a chance to grab you.

The sky cleaves open, and it’s here.

Something rainbow and furious—made of a million eyes and shimmering fire—crashes down onto Dean’s little platform on six, beating wings.

It’s looking at you. A thousand fists go slack at its side, and all those burning eyes widen as it glances between you and Dean, who’s still trying to take slow steps back to where you’re lying on the ground.

“You should not be here.” It says. “Wake up.”

Everything feels like it’s burning. 

It might be the residue of Hell, and the fire, and whatever the fuck that thing in your dream was. But it’s probably just the humidity. The itching, wet heat of Bolivia, making the thin motel sheets stained with sweat and giving you a horrible fucking migraine.

Although the migraine is normal, now. You have it whenever you wake up, and Dean is ripped away from you once more.

Those dreams started when he died, and you don’t really know if they’re real, or just a sick, twisted part of your brain trying to offer you some relief, but they might continue for the rest of your fucking life.

Because every night you pass out with your knife in your hand, and you dream of Dean in Hell. Every morning you wake up with a weak noise and stinging in your eyes.

You hope it’s not real. 

You’ve given up on trying to rationalize how it may be, how it could be, how that might really be your Dean—his soul, beaten and shredded and surrounded by fire—because the idea makes you feel sick.

And you have other things to worry about.

There’s still a little bit of blood under your nails, and you’ve given up on scrubbing it away. You can’t get rid of it. You think it might be a buildup, after months and months of spilling it over your feet and staining it on your hands.

Months on the run. Months sleeping in your car and being anywhere but home, because you can’t. You fucking can’t. You broke your phone when Dean died, and you never went home. Home is where they brought Dean’s body. Home is where you’d see all your own hollowness reflected on Sam’s face, and have to pretend like something hasn’t withered away inside you both. Something that’s never going to grow again. Something you can feel, but Sam can’t, and you’re both going to have to keep fucking living with as the world only continues to turn without Dean.

Home is where Bobby would try to tell you that you were tough, and that you’d get through this, and that Dean wouldn’t want ya to kill yourself over him. He’d want ya to keep goin’, and mournin’ him cause we all miss him, but he ain’t gonna like it if we make this a big fuckin’ deal and join him.

Bobby would’ve been right, if you let him say that.

But you didn’t. And you don’t want to hear it. You know what Dean would’ve wanted. His last note is still folded up in your jacket, right next to where you keep your knife. And you don’t want the whole don’t try to mess with things and bring him back speech, because it doesn’t matter.

You tried to bring him back. In the first month, while you were still in the states, you summoned countless demons and told all of them to bring Dean Winchester back, but none of them would take your deal. And after you killed all of them, they started sending Lilith.

“I told you, little one.” She’d sighed, scanning over you in another empty warehouse. “You are untouchable, and Dean Winchester is not coming back.”

“He could.” You’d hissed, spinning the Blade in your hand. “If you stopped being such a fucking pussy, you could bring him back-“

“That is out of my power.”

“No, it’s not-“

“But if you were to try yourself,” Lilith had tilted her head at you, and the Silver had flared. “Who’s to say?”

You’re not stupid. You know she was baiting you. Trying to trick you into using the Silver more, into becoming more of whatever she thinks you are.

It doesn’t matter.

You’re past the point of caring about tricks and manipulations and grand evil plans. 

You just want Dean back.

So you were all in. 

The White and Darkness haven’t split, since he died. It’s remained melded into Silver, but volcanic and sparking and volatile. Still too far out of your control, still impossible to understand, but together. 

And it still really fucking hurts. 

But by now you can’t tell if the pain is the Silver, or just that hollow fucking grief. The loathing that keeps twisting over your skin and organs, reminding you that no matter how good you get at this—at controlling the Silver, at spells and rituals and enchantments, at working and working on being whatever you need to be to keep going—you’re no closer to bringing Dean back. You’ve read the Book a million times, but there’s nothing in there to help you raise the dead. You’ve travelled further and further south, looking for some sort of answer, but you’ve found nothing. 

Your flask has mixed a million potions, but every corpse has remained rotting in the ground. You’ve summoned a million spirits and demons, but none of them have had pretty features and or a drawling, teasing voice that calls you Princess and tells you everything is going to be okay. You’ve destroyed a million motel rooms and highways and abandoned buildings when the hollow, dreadful grief got the better of you, but Dean has never emerged from the wreckage. There have been a million failed experiments, a million sleepless nights on the roof of your car, and a million times you’ve goaded a monster or spirit into hurting you because you can’t hurt yourself.

It’s part of learning to use the Silver. Years of conditioning makes self-inflicted pain shred it—makes it recoil and whine—and you need to use it if you’re going to keep going. There’s no point in fighting it anymore. There’s no one left to stay better for.

And you’re sick in a new way, where you don’t really eat, and you laugh whenever a knife drives into your gut. Where you’ve started to hear Dean’s voice on the wind, and the world is colorless, and nothing will just fucking kill you, but it should.

You’re only a storm, now. Only a girl that’s infected and razed everything she’s touched, because there’s not any color left to preserve.

The Spiderweb is still clinging to your body. Running along your veins and nerves, right into the Silver, and empty.

No light cast around it. 

No Dean.

So you’re just the fucking storm. You’ve destroyed every green demon that’s come for you. You try not to kill the monsters with the Silver, but just because you’re back to the experiments. There’s always a little bit of gold stained on your fingertips with the blood, but it fades every day and you’re dreading the moment it’s gone for good.

You might break something more permanent, when it does.

And the Sky will finally stop fucking watching, and come for you. 

You don’t know what it’s breaking point will be. Maybe the next ritual from the Book you practice. Maybe the next demon you cut up. Maybe the next time you push the Silver a little too far over the edge, when you become far too big and you can feel the concentration of the earth below your feet to stay together, and you tell it to open up so you can go get Dean, and it finally does.

But for now, the Sky just fucking watches. 

You talk to it sometimes. When you can’t sleep and you have a migraine, when you can feel the stickiness of the heat and the pain of the rotting wood below your feet. You want it to know that you won’t stop. That until it fucking talks to you, comes for you and puts you down—or swallows you, or takes you away and locks you up—you’re not going to get better. You’ll keep being sick, and you’ll keep caving in on yourself, and if it’s not careful you’ll make sure you’re too fucking malevolent to take. 

You’ll ruin yourself. The Silver is a hurricane in your body, and you can escalate every ritual in the book to be almost as big as you are, until you fucking shatter something, and the Sky has no choice but to come bargain with you itself. 

John Winchester should’ve killed you when he met you.

You really are a fucking sickness. 

And you’ll only grow sicker, until you’re cured, force-fed medicine, or simply fucking dissipate. 

You still don’t know what you are. You’ve tried to find other witches, older witches, who might know, but nobody has. There was one crone, with wrinkle hands and blind eyes, who was centuries old and told you about the days where all of us were hunted, then paused and said, but not you, dear, they couldn’t hunt you. 

“Why?” You’d asked, leaning forward over her small, wooden table, and she’d shrugged.

“Hard to hunt something that’s not real, isn’t it?”

“But-“

“You wanted to learn about divination or not?”

You’d swallowed, and nodded. That’s what you were here for. What you’d been trying to do every month. 

Embracing the Silver—no matter how much it hurt and tore you apart, you really are trying to embrace the Silver—meant embracing witchcraft with it. Not just your own little experiments and rituals. The whole thing. Spells and hexes and too many Latin words and a million books.

The crone had showed you how to read tea leaves. 

She tried to show you how to read tea leaves. 

You’d looked into your cup, seen something like a bird, a book, and a cross, and the cup had burst into flame. 

You’d been thrown out of the crone’s cabin, and when you’d looked up, the Sky had been watching.

It had done that. You know it had. It didn’t seem to mind you learning more basic things—cleaning spells to keep yourself from living in filth, potions that let you stay awake for days on end when you couldn’t stand to see Dean in hell, rituals to test out new ideas—but it hated when you tried to look into the future. 

“You’re a fucking douchebag.” You’d snapped at it a few nights ago, standing on the top of a mountains after a hunt, wiping blood off your hands with a rag. “And I’m not going to stop. I’ll die before I stop.”

The Sky hadn’t responded. It didn’t need to.

You knew it was listening, and that it didn’t like the idea of you dying. The stars had gotten a little brighter in warning, and you’d flipped them off.

Warning was pointless.

You had fucking nothing to lose. 

You’d been hunting an acalica. A little old weather wizard, whose spit you’re keeping in your flask for when you need it. 

There’s a spell in the Book that calls for it. A tracking spell, to move you to a vortex of power. A point on the earth where magic is more powerful, where you could try and see what you can do, when barriers are weaker.

There are three on every continent, you’re pretty sure one is in Kansas, and Sam would’ve found that interesting. He would’ve said that there are no coincidences in this job, then asked you how you know about the vortex points. 

You would’ve told him that the book mentions them. That it’s full of tiny, odd and interesting notes that he’d like, and he can borrow it, if he wants.

You haven’t told him that, though. You haven’t spoken to Sam since Dean died. You haven’t spoken to Bobby, either. Or Jo.

It’s better like that. They don’t have to look at you and see the monster. Look at you and see just how horribly Dean’s death broke you, that you’re trying so fucking hard to remain yourself but you’re drowning in the Silver, and there’s no light at all to guide you back to the surface. 

It doesn’t stop the guilt from gnawing at your gut. You left Sam alone, right after he lost Dean. You stopped talking to Jo, after she put up with all your bullshit, all your desperation that ended up amounting to nothing. 

Bobby might think you’re dead. He’s always deserved a better, easier kid to deal with than you. He took you in without knowing, and he took care of you, and you just vanished off the face of the earth without a word. He might have burned your clothing and possessions, thinking you had died, and giving you a hunter’s funeral.

There’s a chance he did it with Dean. That he burned you away, right alongside Dean’s-

You don’t want to think about that. Whenever you do, you end up in the bathroom, vomiting up whatever little food is in your body, because the thought of Dean, shredded apart and empty and staring into-

Fuck.

You push off the stiff mattress, stumbling into the slightly molding bathroom and falling to your knees at the toilet. Your own retching manages to drown out the sounds of birds and bugs outside, the static, grating hum of the fan over your head.

You can’t stay here. Once you get all the ingredients for the vortex tracking spell, you’ll cast it and move out of town. 

You’ll get through this.

You fucking have to.

And maybe when you reach the vortex and turn yourself into nothing but Silver, infecting the earth and making it split apart so you can fall right into Hell, the Sky will finally fucking come down and talk to you. 

Sam, Bobby, and Jo don’t need to know that, either. That you’ve gone insane, and you’re talking to the Sky so often. That you think the Sky is watching you and waiting to take you for itself.

You’d sound insane. Like losing Dean finally tipped you over from reckless plans and odd words into downright nonsense. Babbling like a lunatic about the Sky and the colors and how you can’t really tell what you are anymore—more than before, you really don’t know what you are when everything is Silver but it still hurts—and you’re right back to the crazy little girl Bobby picked up on the side of the road.

They have each other. They don’t need you. Nobody’s ever needed you but Dean.

And you failed him. 

So it’s better for them not to know. 

When the last bit of your dinner falls out of your stomach, you can’t tell if you’re lightheaded from the heat or the nausea. It doesn’t really matter.

Neither food nor air conditioning will fix you. 

But just sitting here, staring at your bile and vomit in the toilet bowl, isn’t going to do you any favors. You have to go back up the mountain today, then run down it to get to your car, and no matter how sick you always are you still need the strength. 

To climb, and—if you need to—fight.

There’s a pretty high fucking chance those suit and tie assholes are going to find you again, and you’re going to have to fight.

That’s a problem for future you. More accurately for future them, because no matter how many times they tell you to stop, you won’t, and you always escape them unscathed. 

They can call you a monster, or a bitch, or a cunt, or a problem, or an abomination all they fucking want. It’s nothing you don’t already know. Nothing you’re not trying to be, because the human in you isn’t what’s going to make the Sky speak. The human won’t bring Dean back.

The demons didn’t stop hunting you because of the human. The Sky doesn’t watch you because of the human. The witches don’t take you in and teach your whatever you ask because of the human.

They do it because you show them the Blade, and they look at you with fearful awe, and give you food and shelter and all their books like you’re some sort of fucking Royalty. They watch you like you’re a bomb set to go off, glance at the Blade with wide eyes, and then send you out of their home like they can see that you’re a plague, and can’t wait to clean themselves of your disease.

You feel like an occupying army, whenever that happens. They act like they can’t say no, like it’s some sort of secret code you’re not allowed to be privy to, like you tell them how you can see their soul, and suddenly they’re obliged to aid you however you ask. 

“Do you know what I am?” 

Your words had been careful, the first and only time you dared to venture down that path, and the dark haired witch across the table had smiled at you.

She’d said she was old. Ancient. Thought dead across the ocean, and that you could call her Letitia as long as you never repeated her name. 

She’d seemed like the right type of person to ask.

“There’s no modern word for it.” She’d hummed, shuffling the tarot deck between long fingers. “Most witches you encounter will not know why they are listening to you, only that they must. You from the oldest of our kind. You are… a little more than us.” She’d titled her head at you. “But you’ve guessed that already, haven’t you?”

You’d nodded, spinning the blade in your hands. “Do you know the word?”

Letitia had laughed. “I’m old, but not that old.”

“Then how do you-“

“You’re like a folk tale.” She’d hummed. “The Grand Coven is taught to warn about the return of your kind, my mentor used to warn of it, but it had been so long since a true one was born… I never suspected to meet any of you. Let alone one of your… magnitude.”

You’d frowned at her. “What-“

“That knife in your hands cannot be wielded by just anyone. It’s just as much a legend as you are.”

That had made you sit a little straighter. If there was a legend, there was a story. And no matter how slowly Letitia spoke, you’d been willing to turn to stone in that chair, just for one fucking answer.

“Legend?”

She’d hummed, giving you a soft, almost crude smile. “Don’t ask me to recite it, child. It’s just as lost to time as your ancestors.”

You didn’t just give up. You couldn’t. You hadn’t driven the Firebird to fucking Peru just to give up. “Then how do you even know it’s real?”

“What color is my soul?”

“Dark purple.” You’d answered in half a second. “A little gray, too.”

Letitia’s smile had grown. “That. That is how I know.”

“But-“

“And you should practice that more often,” she’d started to deal the cards, her voice almost bored. “You are not going to find any witch in the Coven’s favor to help you with it, and it’s only a little more than a party trick. It could be much, much more.”

You hadn’t gotten to tell Letitia that you didn’t really fucking care to be more. That you just fucking wanted Dean back, and that was the only reason you were entertaining witchcraft at all. 

But you’d still taken her advice. The Book was filled with small notes on souls, on how they were forbidden to tamper with for most anyone, but the women of the high were like their keepers. Their tamers. Their crafters and wielders.

You’d been made to touch souls. 

You still just wanted Dean.

And if this was another way to maybe, possibly, desperately get to him, you’d fucking take it. 

So now you have a ritual. 

Clean and pack up the motel room, and move it all to the car. You won’t be here tomorrow night, and it’s better to sleep in the Firebird when you can. 

It’s still has a little bit of lingering Gold, too. Under the hood and over the stereo, twined into all the cassette tapes Dean left you that he’ll never get to-

One last stop in the bathroom, dry heaving until the thought of Dean with his brain out of his ears leaves your head.

Coffee. Food. You need fucking coffee and food, and it’s as good a place as any to practice. 

Sometimes, when you do this, you pretend Dean’s there with you. That you’re not at a tiny coffee-and-book shop in Bolivia, speaking broken Spanish and alone in the whole, washed-out world. Instead, in your head, you’re in a mall, Dean’s grinning at you across from a table with his second burger in hand, and you’re telling him everything you see because he’d make it easier to say.

Things were always easier with Dean. Easier to have, easier to do, easier to accept or fight or shout, but easier. More. The most.

You miss him.

You grab extra napkins, when they pass you the food, just in case you start crying again. 

You’ve gotten better about doing that on the side of highways, parked under trees and on cloudy nights so the sky can’t see, but it still slips out, sometimes. When you see the sunlight rippling over flowers and leaves, and hear soft birdsong, or feel your knife in your jacket and remember that Dean gave you both.

Technically he stole your jacket, then gave it back.

That doesn’t make you miss him any less. It’s only really effective in making you love him more. 

But he’s never going to feel sunlight on his skin again, or pick a flower again, or hear any sort of music and sing at the top of his lungs while the wind is in his hair, and he’s never going to be able to grumble about you using a knife instead of a gun, and you’re never going to be able to roll your eyes at him and tell him to shut up when really, you’d trade the whole fucking world to hear him say just one more word-

There’s the crying. 

Your coffee tastes a little salty now. 

You don’t care. You have some practice to do.

You train in on a small, light eyed woman in the corner of the shop. Reading a book and eat some bread, completely occupied in her own world. 

She won’t notice you staring at her. Pulling out a notebook and scratching down notes without thought, not looking for anything in particular.

Just practicing. Seeing what you can see.

She’s a soft but saturated green. Starting in her hands before spreading over her body. She shimmers a little, when she moves, and every single part of her is drawn together. Firm. Immovable. 

She goes in group four. Earthy souls.  

Because, the longer you’ve been doing this, the more you’ve been looking, the more you’ve been able to see.

It started with noticing more colors, running and moving over the first, stark one. Colors that fly away in a second, little layered bits bleeding through and out of each other. Sometimes they’re grooved deep into the soul, sometimes just stained on the surface, but they’re always there. Intricate. Like little extra bit of string, woven into each tapestry, making patterns that you have to know how to look for, in places you have to know how to find. 

And every soul looks different. That was the second thing. They’re like elements, once you’d studied them long enough. Raging up and around like fire, flowing like water, smooth like air, or—in the case of this woman, with her book—solid like earth.

Like Pokémon. Dean had muttered in the back of your ear, when you were coming up with the system. Or, wait, maybe like that horoscope bullshit.

If it had been real, you would’ve giggled and asked him what the hell he knew about Pokémon, and he would’ve grumbled that it was just a thought, but that he did think they were funny little sons of bitches. Then you would’ve asked him what his favorite Pokémon was, and he would’ve told you that he didn’t have one, and when the fake-argument finally ended—you would’ve won, because you always won those dumb fights—you would’ve explained that it wasn’t like Pokémon. That it was the Classical Greek elements, and that you didn’t know what that meant yet, but you had some working theories.

You would’ve shown your theories to Sam, to get his opinions. 

Dean would’ve called you freakin’ nerds, but refused to leave the table when Sam told him that he didn’t have to sit and listen, if you’re so bored. 

You would’ve smiled at him, and nudged his calf with your foot under the table, and he would’ve smiled back, and-

You’d just started crying again.

Just like you’re crying now. 

And the woman’s noticed. She’s looking at you like you’re odd—and you are, but it’s still annoying—and she’s closing her book, and standing up-

Shit. 

You don’t have a good cover, and you drop all your attention to your notebook and it’s words—floating slightly off the page as you try to get your shit together, and stop shaking with silent sobs where the Sky can see—as the woman cross the room to stand over you.

She introduces herself in Spanish. 

Your dumb blinks must have tipped her off that you don’t understand her, because she sighs, and repeats the introduction in English.

“Are you okay?” Her voice is soft. Like she actually cares.

You almost start fucking crying again. 

“Yeah, um, sorry, I-“ You can do better than this. You’re a good actress. You can slide into the innocent persona when you need to. You can.

You’re coming up empty, but you can.

“Your book,” you mumble, twisting the skin of your fingers. “Looked interesting. Sorry I was staring.”

The woman—Marta, she said—glances down to the worn paperback in her hands, and shakes her head. “It is alright. A little ridiculous.”

“Oh?” You don’t really care, but you still have to pretend you do. To sell it. “Would you recommend it?”

“Do you like ghost stories?”

You give her a grimacing smile. “Kind of, but I’ve heard a lot of them. I’m hard to impress.”

She hums, and drops into your spare seat. Apparently, this is now a conversation. “These are ghost stories. They are… beyond belief. But the characters are interesting. Sexy.”

You blink at her. “Huh. Sexy ghosts?”

“Sexy ghost hunters.”

“Hu- Fuck.” You’d dropped your fork. It had been spinning between your fingers, and you’d tossed it half across the room. You’ll get it later. “Sorry, did you say hunters?”

Marta nods, and places her book face up on the table. “Monster hunters. It is not well written, either.”

You pull the book a little closer, and the cover is… interesting. Two men—one with ridiculous hair, and the other shirtless for unknown reasons—standing before a big house on fire, with a shadowy figure in the doorway holding an axe.

The shirtless man is leaning against a sleek, black car.

His face is familiar.

Green eyes. Pretty features. Dark blond hair. 

There’s no fucking way.

“Supernatural?” You glance back up to Marta, keeping your face perfectly neutral, and she nods. 

“It is a series.” She taps cover of the book as she speaks. “This is the seventeenth book. Hell House.”

“What- Uh, what’s the series about?”

“Two brothers. They hunt the monsters.”

You swallow. “They’re the sexy ones?”

Marta nods, and you might throw up. Again.

“Is that one,” you tap the shirtless man on the cover. “Named Dean?”

“Oh, have you read them before?”

“I-“ Deep breaths. Everything is spinning, and the Silver is churning in your body, but you need to take deep breaths. “No. May I?”

Marta nods, says something about going to get another coffee—it’s a good thing she’s nice, or you would’ve had to steal her book and run—and leaves you to flip through this strange, impossible book.

It’s… worryingly accurate. Marta was right, it’s not well written, but you don’t really give a shit about that. You already know the story anyway.

Because you remember Dean calling you, all the way back when John was missing, and telling you about it. About the two idiots who’d interfered with the case, and how proud he and Sam were to gank a tulpa. You’d remember how he’d grumbled about you guessing that it was a tulpa before he even finished the story, and how he’d muttered a lot easier to work it out when you’re not fighting for your life, Princess.

You’d told him that it was also easier when you weren’t engaging in a prank war with your brother. Dean had snapped that he’d won that war, so it was worth it, and then Sam had shouted from somewhere in the background that they’d called a truce, so nobody won. 

The prank war was in here too. Right down the that stupid fish Dean had made you listen to—holding it up to the speaker until you hung up, and he called you back laughing like a handsome idiot—and superglued bottle Sam had been incredibly happy to tell you about. 

Those phone calls aren’t in here, even though they happened while they were still in the city. It’s the only thing that doesn’t line up with what you remember. Sam had even run the Hollywood producer thing by you. 

But other than that, it’s perfect. That’s even how Sam and Dean talk, in the dialogue.

You can hear his fucking voice, in your head. 

You would’ve started crying again, if you didn’t suddenly have a lot of new problems at once.

There’s a man, when you look up to the coffee counter, trying to check where Marta is in the line. A man dressed in a neat suit that must be stuck to his skin with all the heat, his hair perfectly combed and style, and his posture straight and self-assured.

Fuck.

They got here faster than you thought they would. You’re still not sure how they’re tracking you—you’ll have to go through the Firebird, one last time, just to make sure they didn’t fucking bug it again—but you’d recognized that dipshit anywhere.

Douchebag, Dean’s voice grumbles in your head. Fuckin’ douchebag.

He’s right. They’re douchebags. Idiotic, holier than thou, preachy fucking douchebags.

Marta’s not getting her book back. 

Because you’re shoving it into your bag, keeping one hand on the blade in your jacket, and booking it for the door.

The first gunshot goes off before you even push it open. Aimed right over your shoulder, making the glass shatter and slicing open your hand.

That’s pretty fucking rude. 

You were trying to play nice. 

You’ve been practicing a lot for this. You’ve done it several times over the past few months, since your first encounter with this douchebag, who—when you turn to glare at him—is unfazed by the screams around the shop, and has started to advance towards you with a military-grade rifle in hand.

You give him a sweet smile, wave with your bloodied hand, and let the Silver crash out of your body. 

Every window breaks at once, all the coffee bursts from the machines, your fork on the floor flies for his trigger hand, and you’re running. Booking it to the firebird with your bag over your shoulder, weaving through the parking lot and digging your keys out of your pockets as the suit roars your name behind you, but your car is faster is their’s, so you just have to fucking get in the-

“Slow down,” a voice drawls your name in your ear, right as a gun presses to the back of your head. “Here I thought you’d be happy to see us.”

You sigh, keeping your voice bored. Level. “I just don’t like surprises, Ketch. And I don’t like you, either.”

Ketch laughs in your ear. It’s a horrible, haughty sound.

Dean would’ve agreed. He would’ve snapped at you for being dumb and reckless and running around alone, when you knew these idiots were still hunting you, but he would’ve agreed all the same. 

You really fucking miss him. 

“I’ve told you to call me Arthur-“

“And I’ve told you to suck my dick.”

“There are those lovely manners, again. Such a charmer.” Ketch grabs your shoulder, turning you to face him and nodding to the Blade in your hand. “Drop it.”

You glance at the Blade. It was a dumb move to grab it, instead of the knife. You’re pretty sure Ketch doesn’t know anything about it—somehow, because these rich assholes seem to know everything—and you really don’t want him to touch it, but he’s got a fucking gun to your head. 

So you let the Blade clatter down to the ground, and move your foot to cover the hilt.

Ketch follows the movement, and raises his brows. 

“I don’t want to lose it.” You shrug, and douchebag two, rifle still in hand, comes up behind Ketch with a dry expression.

“I’d be more worried about yourself, darling.” Davis hums, setting his gun down on the roof of your car. His hand is bleeding worse than yours. Good. “I don’t know how you pulled that window hex off, but I’m sure our scholars will love to know.”

That’s the biggest advantage you have here. They really don’t know what you are. As far as Ketch and Davis are concerned, you’re just an American witch who’s lost her mind and is traveling to find herself. They don’t have a clue about your family, or Dean, or the Book, or the Silver. They need to capture you because you’re a powerful witch, and apparently some men and their letters are really concerned about that.

You’re not sure. You weren’t really paying attention when they gave you the speech—the first time they met you, in Mexico a few weeks after from Dean’s death, when they’d killed the witch who was showing you some basic healing potions and you escaped—and you’re not really paying attention now.

There are too many other things to worry about.

Ketch keeps looking at the Blade, and that’s going to be a problem. Davis is getting out the handcuffs, and you have no interest in going with them, but you can’t kill them either, so now you have to work around that. You miss Dean, but that’s just constant. You need to work out what the hell is going on with that book, and you can’t do that in a dungeon. Your hand is still bleeding—you’ll probably need stitches, or to heal it with the Silver—and it’s making you feel even worse than usual, and finally, Davis’ rifle is still on the hood of your car.

If it scratches the paint, on the car Dean fucking gave you, the whole no murder thing is going to go out the window very fast.

“I’m really not interested in spending another three nights in hotel torture dungeon.” You drawl, eyeing the cuff’s in Davis’ hands carefully. “So, uh, if I pinky promise to fuck off and stop being a witch-“

“Once a witch, always a witch.” Ketch shrugs. “Afraid we’re going to have to ship you on over. See if we can work out exactly what’s running through that pretty little head of yours, making you so… fascinating.”

You need a way out of this. Now. Ketch is wrapping a cloth gag around your mouth to stop you from casting any spells, and that won’t do fucking shit, but Davis has clicked on the cuffs. 

Their iron cuffs.

This is a really bad day.

This is, already, a really bad day, and you only got up a few hours ago. You can see Ketch and Davis’ souls—a muddy, awful orange and a surprisingly soft red, respectively—but you can’t really do much with it right now. The iron isn’t burning into you like it used to, but it still pushes the Silver down, makes it weaker, make you weaker. You’re still bleeding, and you didn’t eat that much—neither of those things are doing you any favors—and you’re so fucking tired. 

Tired of running. Of asking questions and only receiving confusing or empty answers, of finding more and more puzzles to solve and being completely stranded to solve them alone.

And you really fucking miss Dean.

Something flickers in your chest. Ketch is talking about how it’s going to be a nice flight, and you’ve been an interesting hunt so they’ll offer you some food—if he tries to feed you cheese with his hands again, you’re going to bite his fingers off—but you can’t really follow most of what he’s saying. 

There’s something flickering and shifting in your chest. And the Silver is bleeding out of you into the world like there’s no iron at all, and the Sky is watching. 

It’s staring at you, even though there’s really nothing to see. Ketch and Davis have been on your ass for months, and the Sky hasn’t really seemed to care all that much, because it knows you’ll be fine. The only time they’ve gotten you when they jumped you in Brazil, and you got out of that with barely a scratch. 

But the Sky is watching. 

And something is changing.

“Arthur.” Davis cuts off Ketches speech, and you don’t have to turn to know he’s looking at you. “Something’s wrong with her.”

Ketch rolls his eyes. “She’s just going through the depressive stages of grief. An animal knows when it’s been caught-“

“But-“

“He’s right,” you mutter, and you can feel the delicate joy of the leaves on the trees. There’s not a single cloud in the sky. “You should… Shit-“

You feel like you’re being torn in half. The Spiderweb feels like it’s being torn in half. Ripped open in a thin, neat line and strangled, and it’s been dead since you lost Dean but now-

You’ve only felt this pain once. On the side of the highway. 

And the Silver has never felt like this. Like it’s being electrocuted and burned and dropped from a million feet all at once, and there’s nothing to feel but everything. It’s bigger than when you grabbed the Blade for the first time. It’s bigger than any episode you’ve ever had, any time you’ve tried to use it and every time it’s been ripped from your body by emotion. 

You’re everything. More than everything. You’re every single space between the stars and all the fires in every hearth in the universe, and you’re the fabric of something thin and the wrath of something old, and none of that matters because you’re mostly in a field. Moving up and up and up and breaking through the surface, right into-

The world lights up. In a split second the Spiderweb is shot with something white-hot and blinding, and it seals it shut and rushes through your whole body until you can fucking feel the universe-

You rocket, fall, crash back down into yourself.

And—so peacefully, as if nothing was ever wrong at all—the Spiderweb is humming with color and light.

There’s air in your lungs, and the birds are singing, and there are little dewdrops clinging to the grass growing between the cracks in the pavement.

Dean’s alive. 

And the rush begins. 

At some point you must have screamed, or exploded, or something, because Ketch and Davis have been launched backwards into separate cars, and the handcuffs have fallen off your wrists. You yank Davis’ rifle off the hood of your Firebird, storm across the parking lot to Ketch—you like him less anyway—and kneel down with the barrel aimed at his temple.

You have no fucking clue how to operate this thing. 

Ketch doesn’t need to know that.

“How have you been tracking me?” You hiss, and Ketch blinks at you, slightly dazed. “Don’t lie. I’ll know.”

“Why, aren’t you full of surprises-“

“Answer the fucking question, or get your brains blown out.” 

Ketch sighs, scanning over your scowl wearily. “You are… not a normal witch.”

“Nope. How.”

“We have our ways.” He shrugs. “Cameras, trackers, tips. Don’t worry your little head about it, darling, as long as you’re in our jurisdiction, we’ll-“

You slam the gun into his temple, and he slumps over with a groan. 

He’s fine. His soul is burning from his wrists out, so he’s not dead. 

You really do have bigger things to worry about.

Dean’s alive. 

You leave town. Then, when you’re far away from Ketch and Davis and the sun has started to set, you park under the trees and pull out your metal block of a cell phone.

Your whole life, you’ve only had one phone number memorized.

And Bobby picks up after three calls. 

“Look, I don’t know who the hell you are, but-“

You almost vomit out your own name. “It’s me, Bobby, and I’m sorry I vanished, I just- with Dean, and I couldn’t but, Bobby, you have to listen-“

Bobby cuts you off, his voice a little hoarse. “I- Normally I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but crazier shit has happened today, and I- I ain’t-“

“It’s me, Bobby, I swear, I-“ You take a long breath, dropping down to the pavement, leaning against the Firebird as you speak. “Two months after you found me, I got my period, and it was really heavy because I hadn’t had a real one before. I’d never- You’d been feeding me properly, and it was… really heavy. You went to the corner store two blocks down, and bought so many pads and tampons we had to dedicate a whole closet to them. You gave me my first root beer, and you let me watch cartoons all week, and I still wasn’t really talking but you bought me all those crayons, and I drew all over the walls. You weren’t angry. You cleaned them up, and then covered them in paper so I’d draw on that instead.” You swallow. “I started talking again the week after that. I sang along to the Bob Dylan record you been playing, while you worked. It was- Shit- I don’t-“

“Man of Constant Sorrow.” Bobby mutters, and you nod to the air.

“Yeah. That.”

There’s a moment of silence, and before you can damn it and just start screaming Dean, Dean’s alive, Bobby lets out a long, heavy sigh. 

“Jesus Fuckin’ Christ, kiddo, I ain’t been able to find you for months, and Ellen n’ Jo weren’t havin’ any luck either- It’s- We thought you were-“

“I know.” You mumble, wrapping your arms around your stomach. “I’m sorry. Bobby, I need to-“

“Where the hell are you-“

“Bol- Actually I crossed the border, so Brazil, but Bobby-“

“How the fuck did you get to Brazil-“

“Bobby!” Your scream tears through the parking lot. “I- Dean’s alive, he’s alive-“

“I know.”

You freeze, all the panic in your throat dying, leaving your voice small. “What?”

“He showed up a few hours ago, did all the tests and it’s-“ Bobby cuts himself off. “How’d you know he was back?”

“I got a feeling.“

Bobby grunts your name. Your fully name, with Singer instead of your usual last name. You didn’t even do anything. “What’d you do.”

“I didn’t- Nothing, I-“ 

“Kiddo-“

“I promise, Bobby, nothing. I just-“ You choke on the air, and the Spiderweb sings inside your chest. “I knew. I just knew.”

“You- Alright.” Bobby let out a long, slow sigh. “I believe ya. You, uh, you wanna-“

“Yes.”

Bobby grunts, and the seconds where there’s nothing but static on the phone are the longest of your life, and then-

Dean’s voice says your name through the speaker, deep and rough and Dean, and you have to cover your mouth with your hand.

He’s alive. You can fucking feel it in the Spiderweb, feel it deeper than your bones, but this is different. You’re not being haunted by him, by nightmares, by a constant, empty feeling of that’s where Dean’s supposed to be. He’s alive. Enough to hold a phone. To speak. To say your name, then repeat it with a nervous tone, and he’s alive-

“Dean?” 

“It’s-“ You think you can hear him swallow through the phone. “Yeah. ’S me.”

“I-“ You take a long, slow breath, pulling your knees to your chest. “You’re alive.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“What happened?”

“I, uh, we’re not sure.” Dean sighs. “I mean, it wasn’t you? With your, I dunno, your magic shit-“

“I wasn’t me.” You whisper. “I- I’m sorry.”

“Why? I’m alive anyways.”

You still failed him. He still died at all. “I know, I just- I was trying, De, I promise-“

“Yeah, shoulda guessed you were.” Dean pauses on the other end of the line, and when he speaks again, his voice is careful. “You’re coming home, right?”

“I am.” You bow your head, letting it rest on your knees. “I- There are a few things I need to take care of, but I will. Soon.”

“Are you- You’re not gonna fly-“

You let out a soft laugh, and you can taste the salt on your lips as you speak. “No. I’m driving.”

“Good. Has the car-“

“It’s been perfect.” You swallow, your voice turning into barely a breath. “Dean?”

“Princess.”

His voice is soft. Teasing. Like nothing at all has ever been, could ever be, wrong, just as long as he was talking to you. 

You love him, more than anything. 

And you glance down at your hands. 

There’s still blood under your fingernails.

And the world is Silver, but you’re not in control.

“When you find Sam, can you call me again? I have something I think both of you will want to see.”

“Sure.” You can hear Dean’s frown through the phone. “You gonna tell me now?”

“No,” you smile into the air. “It’s a surprise.”

“I hate surprises, you know that-“

“I do.” You giggle. Fucking giggle. “You’re going to flip your shit about this one.”

He scoffs. “That’s not really putting my mind at ease, sweetheart-“

“It’s not supposed to. Drop it, Winchester, or I’m only telling Sam, and he won’t share it with you.”

Dean chuckles. “Bossy, Princess, don’t you know I just got out of hell?”

You swallow. 

You’re really sick of crying today. You’ve been sick of crying for four months. 

At least now you’re crying, and the tears hit the pavement, and for a brief second they’re golden in the light of the sunset.

And you can feel it.

Dean says your name cautiously, and you can’t say you love him. Not now. Not over the phone, when there’s blood on your hands and you know he’ll never blame you, but you still failed him. Still became a monster, only to not be the thing that saves him. But still-

“I missed you.” You whisper, and you don’t care if he can hear your sobs. He needs to know. To feel it. “I really, really missed you Dean.”

There’s a pause, and when he speaks again, his voice is hoarse. “I- Yeah. I missed you too, Princess. A lot. Coulda sworn for a second-“ He cuts himself off with a sigh. “Never mind, just- come home. Please.”

“I will. Pinky promise.”

He lets out a rough laugh, and the Spiderweb sparks through your body. “See you soon, sweetheart. I’ll call you when I grab Sammy.”

The line clicks off a few seconds later, and you swallow, tipping your head back until you can see the Sky.

It’s watching you. 

And Dean’s alive, and you can see every color, and-

All the stars flicker.

It’s a warning.

And you’re still the monster. Still being hunted.

But nothing is more important than getting home.

Getting back to Dean.

——————

One of the pros of being brought back from the dead was supposed to be that Dean got life back. That he could listen to music in his car, and eat burgers and beer with Bobby, and talk to Sammy as much as he goddamn wanted. Everything did keep moving, and he could remember every single fucking second of Hell—although he was trying real damn hard not to think about it where Sammy might see, might get worried—and there didn’t seem to be a way out of the fight, but Dean was supposed to have life back.

But he didn’t have Her. She wasn’t back home.

She’d sounded happy to hear Dean over the phone, but that had been damn near two months ago.

And Dean missed Her.

He fucking missed Her, and She hadn’t called them since.

Dean called that being MIA.

Nobody else seemed to agree.

“How long-“

“Dude.” Sam glanced over at Dean from the passenger’s seat, his tone flat. “If you ask me one more time how long it takes to drive from Brazil to America, I’m going to punch you in the face.”

Dean scowled. He hadn’t been asking that much. It had been almost a whole freakin’ day since he last asked.

“I just don’t know why she’s taking this long, alright?” Dean tapped his fingers against the wheel, glaring at the road ahead of them. Maybe if he glared hard enough, She’d just appear, and Dean could touch Her. Hold Her. Hug Her. Kiss-

“They’re two separated continents, Dean.” Sam sighed, cutting off Dean’s thoughts. “I mean, I took her four months to get down there, and she’ll have to stop for gas and food, and we don’t know what she’s been up to that whole time. Maybe she’s got loose ends to tie up before she heads back to the states.”

“You don’t-“ Dean’s grip on the wheel tightened. “Sam, what if-“

“Not those loose ends.”

“There’s always a fucking chance-“

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, but she wouldn’t.”

She would. She absolutely fucking would, because She liked giving Dean heart attacks and she thought she was untouchable or something. There was a very goddamn high chance She’d gotten herself tangled in something, and there was nobody to help Her, or get her out. Maybe She was having an episode, and Dean wasn’t there to bring Her down. Maybe She needed him, and he wasn’t fucking there.

“I mean,” Sam let out a long breath, running a hand over his face. “I’d be more worried about what you’re going to say to her, when she does get back, than any boyfriends she’s not gonna have.”

Dean paused.

They were talking about very, very different things.

“I’m worried she’s in trouble, Sammy.” 

“Oh. Yeah. She would do that.”

Dean shot him a glare. “That’s not. fucking helpful-“

“She’ll be fine, man, she’s, you know.” Sam waved to the air as he said Her name, and he was right.

Dean hadn’t been there for four months, and She hadn’t gotten herself killed. She’d been without him for longer, and lived through that just fine as well. She had all Her magic stuff, and She was awesome, and she didn’t need Dean to survive. He wasn’t water or oxygen or food.

No one needed Dean. They’d missed him, but they didn’t need him.

Except the angels. For really stupid and cryptic reasons, the angels needed him.

And Dean really, really wanted Her to meet the angels. She’d have opinions, and choice words, and Dean would stand behind Her in the shadows while she fixed everything, because that was what She always did.

Maybe the feathered douchebags would know what She was, and it wouldn’t be that big a deal after all, and this time Dean would get to keep her in a way that stuck.

He didn’t deserve to. He didn’t deserve fucking anything—after what he’d done in Hell, who he’d become to survive, like some sort of fucking animal—but he really goddamn wanted to. He wanted to keep being Her shadow more than anything, and he wanted Her to come home, and he- 

Dean really just fucking wanted Her. Alistair had broken a lot of goddamn things in him, but the asshole hadn’t broken that. That couldn’t be broken.

Dean wanted Her.

And She didn’t need Dean, but She’d said she wanted him.

He paused, frowning at the road.

“Sam.”

“What-“

“Why’d you think she wouldn’t- You know.” He didn’t want to say it. Just the thought was making his stomach turn. “Have loose ends.”

Sam just shrugged. “Because it’s her.” 

That wasn’t an answer. Dean wanted a solid answer, that he could fucking point to. 

“I should go get her.” He muttered. He didn’t know how that would work, or where She was, but he’d find her. Make sure She was safe, and didn’t hate him for leaving her behind, and safe.

Dean had said safe twice.

But he really fucking needed Her to be safe.

“She’s fine, Dean-“

“Maybe she’s not.” He snapped. “And it’s not like- I mean, how important is this book shit anyway.”

Sam sighed. “Very important. And she’s the one who sent them to us, she’d want us to follow through.”

She would want them to follow through. She’d want answers more than anything. And Dean wanted answers too—because whoever the hell Chuck Shurley thought he was, Dean wasn’t interested in having his whole freakin’ life published for entertainment—but he wanted Her more.

“I just-“

“Dean, they’re books about our lives. And you know, speaking of,” Sam said Her name slowly, and when Dean glanced over, he was frowning. “It’s- it’s weird.”

“Yeah, this whole thing is fucking bananas-“

“No, it’s-“ Sam paused, flipping through the pages. “This is the last copy, right? Of all the books?”

“I dunno, you’re the one who’s been reading them.” Dean gave him a pointed look. “You know everything that happens, dude-“

“I know, I was just curious, okay? And it’s good I did read all of them, Dean-“

“Why, are you starting a freakin’ book club-“

Sam snapped Her name, and Dean’s whole heart seemed to explode. “She’s not in these. At all.”

Dean paused. “What the hell are you talking about.”

“I mean- The books start when you came to get me from Stanford, right? Dad goes missing, we gank that Lady in White, and Jess dies.”

“Yeah, and they end when I go to Hell, you’re not answering my question-“

“I know, just listen, dude, okay?”

Dean felt his grip tighten on the wheel, but he nodded, and Sammy let out a long breath.

“These are all about our bigger hunts. The wendigo, our first demon, that shapeshifter asshole, but not the onryo. It just goes right from that bug curse to the poltergeist. And you never mention her, at all-“

“Sammy-“

“You talk about her all the time-“

“No, I-“

“It’s just us, Dean.” Sam shot him a pointed look. “You do. And even if you didn’t, I don’t talk about her either. The books never mention us calling her for advice, or talking about her at all, and then- You sleep with someone else, dude.”

Dean scowled. “I sleep with people, Sam, I’m a freakin’ adult-“

“Yeah, but you remember that racist trucker?”

“The one in Ohio?”

Sam nodded. “How do you remember that happening?”

Dean frowned, tapping his hands on the wheel as he tried to remember the details of that hunt. “I, you read about it in the paper, we took care of it, then we dipped. Why, what-“

“In these,” Sam tapped the cover of the book. “That chick, Cassie, she asks you to take care of it. And you call her your first love.”

“I- What?” Dean shook his head, his brain flicking to bright eyes and warm body, pressed right into his under a pillow fort, as that word sunk into his head. “Cassie was just a one-night stand, when I was hunting by myself-“

“I know that. But in these, she’s your first love.”

“I mean, she was cool, but I was…”

He’d been hunting with Her, when he’d met Cassie. They’d ganked a Ventala, She’d left when he mentioned Dad was heading in—the same way She always did, which Dean was going to have to ask her about, now that his death wasn’t looming over their heads—and he’d needed company. Any company. Cassie had been there, and she’d been smoking hot, but Dean didn’t remember the sex as much as he remembered Her, smiling at him and bumping their shoulders together and saying his name.

He’d thought about that, while he fucked Cassie. And he hadn’t been proud of it, but he’d swallowed a groan of Her name, several times, then left in the morning. 

“I know.” Sam repeated, when it became clear Dean wasn’t going to keep talking. “But get this, it’s not just that. There’s no Kelpie hunt, and when we head to Bobby’s for help with the demons, it’s after we find Dad. And Bobby never mentions her. At all. Plus when we dealt with that Changeling, the girl you hooked up with in that town-“

“Uh, Lena?”

“Lisa. In this you go there specially to see her, and she has a son. Who’s a lot like you.” Sam frowned. “I don’t know about you, Dean, but I don’t remember that kid being anything like you.”

Dean didn’t either. He barely remembered that hunt at all. “Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, you remember that chick with the rabbit’s foot, who stole the colt? Bela?”

Dean grunted in acknowledgment, and Sam continued.

“She’s in here a lot. I don’t remember her ever showing up, after the whole thing with Hendrickson. It’s-“ Sam said Her name, watching Dean carefully. “She yelled at Bela, after we told her we lost the Colt. Called her and chewed her out-“

“Threatened to put her through a wood grinder, if the bitch didn’t leave us alone.” Dean couldn’t stop his grin. “I remember. So?”

“So that never happened.”

Dean frowned. “That’s- Huh.”

“And,” Sam mumbled Her name again. “She not at the hospital, either. After your accident. And she wasn’t really- you know- around, after Dad’s death, but neither of us talk about her. Jo doesn’t, either. And you,” Sam cleared his throat. “You seem to have a thing with Jo.”

Dean revolted slightly. “Gross, she’s like my sister-“

“Yeah, a lot of the… minimal readers seemed to agree.” Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair and slumping in his seat. “I looked online, on those weird forums Bobby found, and Jo was so unpopular Shurley ‘wrote her out’ while we were dealing with your deal.”

“What do you mean, wrote her out-“

“I mean she’s not around.” Sam sighed. “Jo just vanishes. Same with Ellen.”

“And,” Dean said Her name carefully, because that was how it had to be said. “She’s just- Not there at all?”

“Nope. Not even once.” Sam flipped back through the book in his hand. “In these books you still end up dying in Indiana, exact same way, but there’s no mention of Hell’s Assassin’s, or you and Bobby leaving her behind, or the arrowhead and blade, or her book. There’s just- It’s like she’s been erased.”

Dean’s grip on the wheel tightened.

Sam had been right. 

This book shit was important. 

And it took a minute to get settled, when they reached Chuck’s house. A little extra time to convince him that they weren’t fans, they were people, with goddamn lives that Chuck had been stealing for profit. The asshole was small and weird and frantic, and they had bigger priorities than just Dean’s biting question, but had to ask it. Had to know why She’d ever been taken out of his life, even in a fucking book, because he needed Her. He goddamn needed Her, and he didn’t want to lose her, and it couldn’t because She wasn’t interesting enough for Shurley’s stupid fucking books, because She was awesome and funny and pretty and-

“He’s- uh- he’s glaring at me a lot.” Chuck shot Dean a nervous look, and Dean felt his fists curl. “Look, I’ve told you guys, I really am sorry but if we’re sure I’m not a god, there’s nothing I can do to help you-“

“Dean’s been having a rough few months.” Sam muttered, shifting in his chair. “Dude, can you stand down? I know you want to- you know- But we should figure out what the hell is going on, first.”

Dean shot Sam a quick glare. “It could help, Sammy. Maybe he doesn’t know anything about her, and he’s just- I dunno, a really freakin’ good guesser-“

“I like that.” Chuck jumped in, looking between Sam and Dean with the same nervous expression he’d been wearing all damn day. “I mean- I can be a good guesser. I used to win bar trivia, just by guessing all the answers-“

“That’s great, Chuck, just-“ Sam sighed, running a hand over his face. “Dean, that’s- I mean, you’re right, but maybe it’s nothing-“

“It’s not nothing, Sam, you’re the one who fucking pointed it out to me-“

“Yeah, but I mostly wanted you to not turn around and drive to Brazil-“

“Brazil?” Chuck squeaked, gaping at Dean. They didn’t have time for this. “I- I haven’t written about Brazil-“

Sam frowned. “You haven’t?”

“No? I mean, should I have?”

Sam said Her name carefully. “She’s in Brazil. Was in Brazil. We’re not sure where she is now, actually.”

Dean swallowed the bile in his throat. She was fine. She had to be fine.

“And, uh,” Sam paused, watching Chuck carefully. “Have you just- I read all your books, and-“

“You did?” Chuck’s eyes widened. “Did you like them?”

“No, not really.”

“Oh. Was it the writing? Or the plot?”

Sam sighed. “I just, uh, they weren’t really my thing. Sorry. But-“

“Is it because-“

Dean pushed off his place on the wall, stalking across the room to stand right over Chuck’s desk. They didn’t have the time for this, and he didn’t have the goddamn patience. Chuck could squeak all he fucking wanted—when Dean slammed his fists down on the desk—and Sam could sigh and mutter a half-hearted c’mon, dude, but Dean didn’t give a shit. He needed answers. Now.

He snapped Her name, pointing to one of the beaten-down book copies on Chuck’s desk. “Where the hell is she in these?”

Chuck just blinked at him, and Dean scowled.

“The smart witch chick, about yay tall,” Dean held his hand up to Her height, never taking his eyes off Chuck. “Best hunter in the country, Bobby’s daughter, never uses a gun-“

“The one Dean’s had a crush on for years.” Sam jumped in, and Dean shot straight up with a glower.

“I do not have a crush-“

“That’s true, I guess you’re more in love with her-“

“Shut the fuck up, Sam-“

Chuck raised his hand, the movement small and nervous. “I, um, I know who we’re talking about, now.”

Sam frowned. “You do?”

“Yeah.” Chuck said Her name carefully, eyeing Dean like he was some sort of rabid dog. “But she’s not in the books.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, we got that, Einstein. Why.”

Chuck shrugged. “She didn’t fit in your story.”

There was a long, heavy moment of silence, as the words hung in the air of the room. 

She didn’t fit. 

In Dean’s story. 

It was beyond insane. Nobody, not a single goddamn person, had ever fit with Dean as well as She did. He’d held Her, and She’d fit. He spoke to Her and it was like bouncing a tennis ball off a jail cell, only the jail cell was a five-star hotel, and the ball was Her siren-like voice calling Dean down, down, down. And all of the world was technicolor, and the cavity in Dean’s chest was filled with Silver, and he wasn’t fucking good at metaphors but She fit. She was part of his life, She’d always been part of his life, and he’d spent wasted years trying to force Her out of his head only to never feel better than when he was in Her orbit, and he fucking-

She was the universe, She was bigger than the universe, She was gorgeous and brilliant and brighter than the goddamn sun, and She fit with Dean-

“Is he, uh,” Chuck swallowed. “If he hits me, I am going to call the cops, just so you know-“

“Don’t call the cops.” Sam muttered. “Dean, relax, at least he knows who she is, right?”

That was worse. So much worse. Chuck knew who She was, and he didn’t think She fucking fit.

“What do you know about her.” Dean grunted, bracing his arms on Chuck’s desk. “Talk.”

“I, um, it doesn’t feel that important if she’s not in the books, right?”

He looked over Dean’s shoulder, desperation all over his stupid face, and Sam sighed. Again.

“No, Dean’s right. I mean, he’s being weird about it-“

“Sam-“

“But we do need to know.” Sam ignored Dean’s low warning, continuing as he moved to stand at the desk as well. “It’ll help us figure out what you do and don’t know, how focused you are on our lives, if- you know-“

Sam shot Dean a firm look, and Dean understood.

Her magic. Her whole thing, that none of them understood.

Chuck might know about that. Have some real fucking answers about it.

Answers She’d want.

Dean couldn’t beat the man up, if only so maybe She could get some answers. 

“Know?” Chuck looked between them, leaning back in his chair. “Know what?”

“Just tell us what you know, Tolkien.” Dean grunted, and Chuck’s eyes widened.

“You think I’m like Tolkien?! I- That’s so kind-“

“Chuck.” Sam muttered Her name. “Focus on her.”

“Right, um, just whatever I can think of?” 

Dean gave a sharp nod, and Chuck sighed.

“I mean, she’s interesting, right? A good character- I mean, person? I don’t know, this is still really confusing, is it better if I call her a character or person-“

“Person.” Dean grunted. “She’s a fucking person.”

Chuck swallowed. “Right, uh, person. She’s a good person, and- I’m sorry, this is really weird-“

“Look, man.” Sam’s voice was level. Obviously, painfully controlled. “We know. Believe me, we know. But you just- Talk about her like you’re describing the characters.”

Dean shot him a glare. “Sammy-“

“We know she’s a person, Dean. We need to know what he knows.” Sam nodded to Chuck. “Talk, man. Now.”

“I, um, yeah.” Chuck took a deep breath, said Her name, and Dean was going to punch him square in his stupid face. “I- I’ve only ever really thought about her when she was with you guys. So I know that Bobby found her on the side of the highway, and that her family is weird, and that she started hunting by herself when she was really young, but not much about her past-“

“Really?” Sam frowned, leaning forward. “So really only us? I mean, we already know about all that stuff-“

“Because I only thought about you two.” Chuck gave Dean a weary look. “I know about how you met her, but after you left there’s really not much else until you and John found her with that… uh-“

“Poltergeist.” Dean grunted, and Sam shot him an odd look. “Little while after you left for college, Dad and I ran into her on another hunt. I got knocked down, and they ganked the son of a bitch-“

“Actually,” Chuck cut in, and flinches slightly under Dean’s glare. “Sorry, just, John didn’t do much. On that hunt. I remember her setting the poltergeist on fire. It was just her.”

Dean frowned. “On fire? So you- I was down by then-“

“But you were still there.” Chuck mumbled. “I know about all the hunts she did with you, Dean. The ones that you were hiding from your dad. And she used her, um, her powers? Magic? I’m not sure, but she used them a lot, you just never noticed. I mean, you’d get beat up by a demon or monster, and then she’d… you know.” Chuck made a wide, explosion gesture with his hands before he continued. “One time, at a mall, you broke your hand, and she healed it.”

Dean swallowed. He felt fucking sick, and hot all over his skin, and god fucking damn it, of course She’d been using it the whole time. Of course She’d been healing him and saving his worthless ass, and he’d been a dick to her, and he was the lowest piece of shit on the goddamn planet.

“Well,” Sam gave Dean a careful look as he spoke. “If you know about her… stuff, why not add it in the story?”

“I just-“ Chuck sighed. “She has her own whole thing going on, and it was just- I was too much to track! I had to do some extra work to get around it, but it made the story better!”

Dean scoffed. “I ain’t read these books, Chuckles, but they don’t exactly seem to be classic freakin’ literature-“

“But they’re not supposed to be!” Chuck protested. “They were just supposed to be fun stories, that people liked! I mean, I could never stop thinking about them, about you guys, so I had to write them! I had to!”

“Then you shouldn’t have been able to stop thinking about her, either!” Dean’s voice was rising to a shout. Almost a bark. He didn’t really care, because if he’d been haunted by her for eight goddamn years, there was no goddamn way Chuck could just not be. It was what She did. She existed everywhere, and Dean never stopped fucking thinking about her, dead or alive, and everything always smell a little like-

Shit.

Dean grunted Her name. “What does she smell like?”

Sam gaped at him slightly. “Dean-“

“Shut up, Sammy, it’s an important question.”

“How-“

“Dean hasn’t been able to stop think about what she smells like.” Chuck said, and he was right, but Dean still wanted to shoot him. “And I, um, I don’t know.”

“No.” Dean shook his head, tapping on of the books. “Everything’s in here, and if you know her as well as you claim-“

“I don’t know her!” Chuck was almost fucking whining now. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I don’t know what she smells like! I was only ever to think about how you thought she smelled, and how you didn’t know what it was, that’s it!”

Sam cleared his throat, looking between Dean and Chuck with a frown. “I- Sorry, I’m lost, Dean, you know what she smells like, you’ve seen her perfume-“

“It’s not that.” Dean muttered, feeling his brows draw tight together. “She- That freakin’ fruit smell, Sammy. It’s that.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t- I’ve never really smelled her, man.”

“No, you have. ” Chuck sighed. “It’s- You just never think about it, Sam. Especially not since that whole plot arc with Azazel.”

Dean frowned. “Then why am I-“

“I don’t know. I really don’t, guys, I’m sorry. And this,” he gestured vaguely around them. “Is exactly why she’s not in the books! There’s- It’s just too much, and nobody even liked any of the love interests anyway-“

“That’s because none of them were her-“

“Dean.” Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, giving him a cautious look that Dean recognized. 

The fight wasn’t worth it. Even if it was for Her, the fight wasn’t worth it. Chuck wouldn’t talk if they freaked him out. 

Reel it in. Keep his head level.

Do what She’d do, not what Dean would do. Think about it, find an angle, then work it until he was right.

Dean wasn’t Her. He wasn’t a genius, or magic, or anything important at all. And if She wasn’t in Brazil, or Bolivia, or Mexico, or whatever, She’d have figured this out. She’d look at Chuck and ask him if he ever ate anything odd in his childhood, and the idiot would say yeah, a weird plum, and She’d start talking about magic plums that gave people psychic powers.

But She wasn’t here. And Chuck didn’t look like a plum kind of dude.

So Dean would keep it together, but for Sammy. For Her. 

“Look, Chucky,” Dean pushed off the desk, raising his brows. “Can I call you Chucky?”

“I’d prefer not-“

“Too bad.” Chuck could earn veto rights when all this started making goddamn sense, so Dean just said Her name and really tried not to sound too pathetic about it. “The thing about her is that she is not a negotiable part of our lives.”

Chuck swallowed. “Uh, I don’t-“

“He’s right.” Sam muttered. “Half those cases would’ve never been solved without her. She worked harder than anyone to save Dean, and Bobby will be the first to admit that she knows way more about demons-“

“Bobby’s real-“

“We’re all real, douchebag.” Dean hissed. “I’m real, Sammy’s real, Ruby’s, unfortunately, real-“

Sam shot him a flat look. “Dean-“

Dean ignored him. “Dad was real, Azazel was real, Bobby is real, so’s Jo, who-“ Dean pointed at Chuck with a scowl. “For the damn record, I have never thought about in a way that is not 100% above board-“

“I know, Dean.” Chuck rubbed his face between his hands, letting out a long, slow breath. “And I’m sorry about that, but I- I don’t know, I couldn’t spend the whole special children arc writing about how much you missed a woman that I hadn’t included-“

Dean raised his hand, narrowing his eyes. Half because he still had some damn questions, half because Sam probably already knew how much Dean had missed Her—if the smirk on the bitch’s face was any indication—but there was no reason to give him more. 

“The hell are you talking about, you know what I was thinking.” He muttered, and Chuck sighed.

“I mean when I write, I can… I’ve seen all your guys thoughts. Inner desires. Likes and dislikes and dreams and hopes-“

Sam frowned. “All of them? What about, I don’t know, things we don’t even know ourselves-“

“Maybe? I don’t know. This morning when I woke up, I was just thinking about, I don’t know, snow cones? And then I was thinking about you guys, and how you just worked that wishing well case, and how you both have been really hung up on it. Dean keeps thinking about how he’d wish for uh,” Chuck cleared his throat, mumbled Her name, and Dean felt his body go rigid.

He had been thinking about that. He’d been thinking about how if they hadn’t been more careful, and that wishing well thing was real, he’d wish for Her in a heartbeat. To come home, and have whatever kind of fancy life she wanted after Dean got to hold Her one more time. Because there was a chance Her dream life wouldn’t include him. It might have before, but he hadn’t become worse than a demon in hell, and She hadn’t vanished off the face off the earth for four months, and maybe She’d never forgiven him for leaving her, at the end, and Her dream life would be far, far away from Dean and how dark and vile he was, as long as was without Her light, but he could live with that-

“He’s thinking about it right now, I think.” Chuck mumbled, and Dean was going to break a jaw. Chuck’s or his own.

“Shut up.” He grunted. “If you’re not a psychic, how’d you know what we’re thinking?”

“I- I’m not sure, I was just guessing. You- He thinks about her a lot!” Chuck looked to Sam, his voice growing pleading. “I was just gambling based off of what I know about you guys, I swear-“

“Yeah, I believe you, calm down.” Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You still haven’t explained why our best friend isn’t in these, Chuck. You’d really have to write around that, I mean, that last month before the hellhounds Dean almost never left her side-“

“I remember.” Chuck sighed. “But I had already written her out, when you guys were looking for your dad, and I couldn’t just introduce her so late, readers would have had questions-“

Sam drew his lips in thin line, throwing Dean an exhausted look, and Dean took a long, slow breath.

“How about this, Chucky.” He grunted. “Why’d you write her out in the first place?”

“I told you, she just didn’t fit. Like, that thing I was just talking about, where I know so much about you guys? I’ve never been able to do that for her!”

Sam frowned. “Well, do you know, I dunno, all the stuff about Bobby?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.” Chuck nodded desperately. “I thought I was just giving them all backstories and stuff, and I could just never come up with one for her, so I dunno, I left it? Everything else was coming so easy. I knew everyone’s thoughts and feelings and history, but she was just this mystery that my brain wouldn’t let me solve, even though I had created it-“

“You didn’t create her-“

Chuck cut off Dean’s growl with a shake of his head. “I know, I do, but I thought I had, and there was just no way for me to properly write her! Like, Sam, you read all the books, right?”

Sam nodded slowly. “Yeah, why-“

“There are scenes where you guys aren’t there at all, right? All the prologues where the first victim happens, the one that brings you to the case, or scenes where side characters are talking to each other-“

“I know how books work, man-“

“Well I could see into those characters emotions! I knew how freaked out Jo was, in No Exit, and how worried Bobby was about Dean, in No Rest for the Wicked, all the victims of the monsters, how afraid they-“ Chuck paled. “Oh, god, all those people really died didn’t they-“

“Yeah, they did.” Dean leaned forward, holding Chuck’s gaze. “That’s the job, buddy. Keep talking about my- About her.”

“Uh, it’s-“ Chuck swallowed. “I never could look into her. Like with your dad, and her, and Azazel. I knew Azazel was amused, but still a little worried, and that John was really stressed and disgusted, but-“

“Disgusted?” Sam cut in, his brow drawn together. “By Azazel-“

Chuck shook his head, saying her name slowly. “By her. It’s- Azazel told him, and he- Oh. Shit.”

It was Dean’s jaw. Dean’s jaw was going to break. “What the fuck are you talking about, Azazel-“

“I actually knew that,” Sam said with a frown. “Dad told me Azazel told him everything, that he was trying to rile Dad up, and when he went to look for her after the deal, she was gone. But- She was there? During the deal?”

Chuck swallowed, nodding nervously. “I- I’m sorry, I forgot you guys didn’t know already, I should’ve have said anything just forget- Fuck!”

Dean had grabbed Chuck by the collar of his shirt before he could think about it. Yanking him forward across the desk until they were nose to nose, damning all of Sam’s keep it together shit because it’s been long goddamn year—forty of them, in fucking Hell, alone and without Her—and he need to know what the fuck Chuck was saying about Her and Dad, now-

“Dean. Release him.”

Chuck’s eyes darted over Dean’s shoulder, and god fucking damn it, they couldn’t catch a single break.

“Cas?” Sam pulled Dean slowly off of Chuck, seemingly unable to hide the surprise in his voice. “What- Why are you here?”

Cas sighed, and when Dean turned, he was stand awkwardly in the center of the room, shifting on his feet. “I have been permitted to give you a warning. You should not be here.”

Dean frowned. “Why the hell not, he’s writing about our lives-“

“I know.”

“You- You know?” Dean ran a hand over his face, glancing back to where Chuck was still shaking behind his desk. Little fucking bitch. “What, are the angels fans?”

Cas didn’t even blink. “Of a kind, yes. You and Sam need to leave, Dean. Now.”

“Cas, we-“ Sam took a long breath, giving Dean a weary look. “Can you just tell us what’s going on? Please?”

“No.” Cas started to scan over the walls of the shitty little office, his voice remaining impossibly neutral. “As I understand, you are… ahead of schedule. You will need to return in five months.”

“Five-“ Dean shook his head. “Cas, I need answers, and I need them freakin’ now, and until the little douchenugget over there gives them, I’m not going anywhere.”

Cas looked back to Dean, frowning slightly. “I told you. There will be answers. In five months-“

“I’m not waiting five fucking months-“

“I, um-“ Chuck cleared his throat, when Dean whipped around, he flinched slightly. “Sorry, I just, you’re- Castiel. Right?”

“Yes. I am.”

“Is okay if I answer the one question? I think, uh,” Chuck’s eyes flicked back to Dean. “I like my face. I’d like to keep it, too. And I don’t, uh, I don’t know what’s going on-“

“You will learn in five months-“

Dean’s hands fisted. “I told you, I’m not waiting five months-“

“Will you relax and leave if I tell you about your Dad and Azazel and-“

Dean cut off Chuck’s whine of Her name with a short nod. “Fine. Deal.”

Sam cleared his throat. “Actually, um, I’d like a few more answers. Cas, you can’t just expect us to pretend this never happened until the angels give a thumbs up-“

“You will have to.” Cas muttered, not looking away from Dean. “It is already quite dicey for you to be here at all. To linger. Dean, you’ll need to swear that if Chuck answers your question, you’ll-“

“Yeah, I’ll leave. Whatever.”

“Swear-“

“Whatever. Swear.” Dean grunted, turning back to Chuck with a as scowl. “Talk.”

Chuck glanced back to Cas, and—after the angel gave a small nod—cleared his throat.

“In, um, in the version of My Time of Dying, the one that I had to edit,” Chuck mumbled Her name, eyeing Dean as if he was about to just fucking shoot him. 

It was fair.

Dean was.

“Well, the one I had to remove her from, your Dad summons Azazel by himself, and strikes the deal, and that’s it. But the version I thought of first, with her, she summons Azazel.”

Dean’s felt like his teeth were clenched so tight they might snap, and when he glanced over to Sammy, he could see shock written all over the kid’s face.

“But- Dad said it was just him-“

“He lied.” Chuck mumbled. “She figured out what he was doing, and she said it would be easier if she made the call. I don’t know how accurate that is, and in my version John did it pretty fine-“

“Your version didn’t actually happen, dumbass.” The wood of the chair creaked under Dean’s grip. “What the fuck happened after they summoned Azazel.”

“It’s- Are you sure you wanna-“

“Yes. Talk.”

“Azazel told John that she was… important. That she was a witch, and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t understand, and then, John, um, he kind of-“

“Chuck-“

“He asked Azazel to kill her!” Chuck shrank in his chair, his words frantic and loud, but no louder than the blood and ringing, drowning in Dean’s ears. “Then when Azazel said he couldn’t, John asked Azazel to kill Bobby if she came near you two again. I’m sorry, okay, I-“

“Shut up.” Sam snapped. “Dean, are you-“

Whatever Sam was asking, Dean couldn’t hear. He couldn’t hear anything. Couldn’t really see anything, either. The only sounds in his head was his heartbeat, and the only thing that wasn’t blurring was Chuck, still in his fucking chair, shrinking back from Dean’s glare.

That didn’t make sense. She would’ve told him- 

She had. 

She’d said Azazel had threatened Her. Threatened Bobby. And Dean had just assumed, like a fucking idiot, that it had been its own thing. That after Dad struck that deal, Azazel tracked Her down and told her to skip down for his own, crazy douchebag demon reasons. 

But Dad wouldn’t-

He wouldn’t. Dad wouldn’t, and Dean felt like something was wrapping around his throat and twisting in his stomach and growing sick in his chest, just to the right of his heart, but Dad fucking wouldn’t do that to Dean, not when Dean- Not when he- And Dad-

“Why.” 

Chuck blinked at him, and Dean realized Sam was trying to pull him back. 

He shoved Sam off, marching back to the desk and slamming his hands flat down. “Why the fuck would Dad do that, Chuck, if you think you fucking know everything about our lives and our friends, why the fuck-“

“I think you, Dean Winchester, underestimate the hatred that your father felt for that girl.” A new voice, one that was cold and crawled over Dean’s skin, drawled Her name. “Well, she was his worst nightmare. I believe that, during his time in hell, she was used to torture him. He would be put in a room and forced to watch her greatest hits.”

Dean turned slowly, and standing next to Cas was a short, balding man in a neat suit, watching them with a bone-chilling smile.

“Now, personally? I agree with him.” The man continued. “She is… Making things impossibly difficult. You two imbecile should never have been talking to her, and you certainly should’ve never grown attached, and -  Castiel, what did I say about making them leave before her little stunt, sending them the books, ruined everything?”

Cas bowed his head, and he suddenly looked smaller. Like whoever Baldy was, he was important. “To kick them out. Immediately.”

“I did. And now Dean knows about John, which is just going to make him-“ Baldy sighed, shaking his head. “Never mind. Take the dog for a walk before he does something stupid. I’ll keep an eye on these two while you clean up your mess.”

Sam cleared his throat. “I- Who are-“

“Be quiet.” Baldy snapped, and Sam’s mouth remained open, but his voice…

It vanished.

This was a horrible fucking day.

Dean was drawing out his gun without a thought—it didn’t matter how sick he still felt about Her and Dad, nobody got to fucking touch Sammy while he was still leaving, and Dean’s stupid goddamn feelings could wait—and before he could fire at Badly, the world was spinning and blurring and fuck, he did not feel good-

Everything came back into focus, and Dean doubled over with a groan.

“My apologies.” Cas said from somewhere off to the side, barely over audible as Dean’s lunch emptied onto the ground. “Sam will be fine, I just need to ensure you… cool down.”

Dean shoot him a glare, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “So I’m the dog, huh?”

Cas just shrugged, his words sounding somehow more measured than usual. “Once you feel you have worked through it, I will bring us back.”

“You gonna tell me who the ballsack in the suit was?”

“I cannot. As I tried to tell you, this is,” Cas frowned into the air. “Not what should be happening.”

“Awesome.” Dean grumbled, and dropped down onto the curb. They’d ended up in a parking lot, with a lot of trees, and this place looked really freakin’ familiar, but- “Cas. Where are we.”

“Oak Grove, Louisiana.”

Dean glanced down the road. “That’s where we worked the Demon case, in-“

“2004.” Cas finished, watching Dean carefully. “Humans are meant to feel comfort in connection to locations, or objects. I believed this location would offer you that same effect.”

Dean raised his brows. “Nostalgia?”

“Yes.”

It wasn’t a horrible pick. Dean hadn’t been here in forever, but it was making him think of Her. Smiling and laughing and not biting at Dean like he was scum of the earth, even when he’d been acting like it, because She’d always been beautiful and too good, and he’d might have believed She didn’t belong in the mud with him—he still didn’t, but he’d given up on trying to tell her what to do a long time ago—but She’d still been so fucking bright that Dean had never wanted to pull away. Even when it was smart and rational he’d wanted to stay, even when they’d fought and She’d shouted, when She lied, or Dad had told him-

He felt sick again.

Dad.

Dad had hated Her. Maybe because of the confusion with Her family, but Dad had sought that out. He’d looked for it, to show it to Dean, and it had been wrong, but he’d still convinced Dean to leave Her, She’d been the brightest thing in the world and Dad had made Dean leave Her-

She’d left, too. 

Because Dad made Her, at the hospital, and- 

Dad had said She left, after the poltergeist. But She’d said She never wanted to go, in Her room, and she hadn’t been lying. Dean knew when She was lying, but She’d looked him in the eyes under the blanket fort and said I didn’t ever want to leave. 

But Dad had made Her. Dean didn’t have a clue how many times, but Dad had made her go. 

He’d taken the best thing is Dean’s life. The only thing he’d ever wanted, really fucking wanted and cared about and been willing to break himself for that wasn’t Sammy, the only woman he’d ever needed and- 

Dean threw up again. Somewhere in the bile rocketing out of his body, he gave props to Cas for the location. Outside seemed to be a good call. 

But he’d been weak. Fucking pathetic. He’d let Dad hurt Her like that, he’d been a blind, selfish asshole and let Her get hurt. Just by being near Dean, She’d been hurt. And there was no goddamn way, after Hell-

Hell. 

Dean hadn’t- In Hell-

“Cas.”

Cas hummed over his head, and Dean cleared his throat. He couldn’t tell Sammy this. Or Bobby. Or anyone really, and Cas was odd, but he might have an answer. And, bonus, he didn’t seem to be all that good a liar, so worst case Cas dodged the question, and Dean went back to throwing up.

“In Hell.” He muttered, frowning at the cracked pavement as he spoke. There was a little flower, blooming through the concrete.

It was yellow. A little golden, in the light of the afternoon.

Dean swallowed more vomit.

“There were times, while I was down there, that I could…” He sighed, running a hand over his face. “I dunno how any of this shit works, but I could- Could fucking sworn she was there.”

There was a pause, then Cas said Her name. Slowly. With impossible care, which Dean appreciated. 

It was what She deserved.

“You believe you were able to see her.”

“No, just-“ He sounded insane. “Feel her. I could freakin’ feel her, like there was something in me that was tugging me around and asking me to go with it, talking to me in a voice that sounded a hell of a lot like Her’s, and I think I was just losing my goddamn mind, but-“ Dean rubbed his brow, a heavy pain starting to form behind his brow. “I don’t know. Might have been going crazy, might have been just another torture thing, giving me her but keeping her under a veil and- I don’t know. It was just- Needed to ask. If that was something.”

Cas was silent. Still. Almost statue like, and watching Dean with a deep frown. 

Dean wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but at least Cas wasn’t calling him batshit crazy, telling him to find himself a nuthouse and lock up. Cas didn’t really seem like the type to do any of that anyway, but still.

Relieving.

“This woman.” Cas said Her name again, tilting his head slightly. “I do not know much about her, but-“

“She freakin’ awesome.” Dean said, glancing back to the flower. “Genius, but not a snobby bitch, and she’s funny. You’d like her, everyone-“

Everyone didn’t like Her.

Dad had, apparently, despised Her.

“From what I understand,” Cas muttered, and Dean could still feel his gaze. “She is not someone my superiors want you interacting with. That your own father-“

“Dad was wrong.” Dean grunted. “She’s not- I shoulda been kept away from her. Not the other way around.”

“Why?”

Dean frowned, shooting Cas a glare. “Because. I’m not doing a shrink session with you, man. I’m calmed down. Bring me back to Sam.”

“I will, but first-“ Cas’ brows furrowed slightly. “There is… something you should know-“

The world was blurring and turning again, and this time when they landed—right back in Chuck’s shitting living room—there wasn’t anything left in Dean’s body to vomit back up.

Baldy was leering over him, as Dean steadied himself on the desk. And when he tried to open his mouth he couldn’t fucking speak, so he just narrowed his eyes in the most hateful, furious glare of his life. 

“Mr. Winchester.” Baldy hummed, unfazed by Dean’s scowl. “I trust that when I free you and your brother, who I have graciously not harmed or mauled, you will depart from Chuck Shurley’s house and only return when the time is right, yes?”

Dean just scowled. This shitbag didn’t get to come in here and tell him what to do, standing all fucking puffed out and giving orders, expecting Dean to fall into goddamn line just like that without even giving a goddamn name-

“You don’t need to know who I am yet.” Baldy sighed, scanning over Dean’s face. “How about this. I’ll give you a few minutes to collect yourself, you’ll leave this house like that,” Baldy snapped his fingers, giving Dean a wolf-like smile. “I won’t erase your memories of this whole encounter, and you’ll depart with all your organs intact. Deal?”

It was a shit deal.

Dean couldn’t afford to forget what Chuck had told him. He couldn’t see Her again and not know what Dad had done, because he had to use it as an explication for something snapped at the sight of Her—always beautiful, likely glowing in the light of whatever room he found Her in, all the wind in the world moving through Her hair perfectly and Her voice saying his name like a call to motion—and he fell to his knees, begging for Her to keep staying with him, all the way down, even if it ended up being lower than Hell or just right fucking there forever.

So he nodded, and Baldy’s grin grew.

“See you in a few months, Dean.”

Light flashed through the room, and when it cleared, Baldy was gone.

So was Cas. 

And Sam was coughing, pounding on his chest and frowning around the room. “Dean, I-“

“C’mon.” Dean grunted, not bothering to look back as they marched to the door. “Sounds like we’ll be back here anyway, Sammy. Let’s skip town before the brigade of featherdicks comes back.”

“Dean- wait-“ Sam was running after him, his steps pounding on the floor. “What Chuck said, about her and Dad, I swear I didn’t-“

“I know. C’mon.”

They made it to the car. All the way into their seat before someone was pounding on their windows, and Dean glanced up to see Chuck, leaning down with messy hair and wide eyes.

Sam frowned. “What’s he-“

“Guys!” Chuck called through the glass, knocking once more. “I’m sorry about that, I just- I have a question for you and the angels didn’t say I couldn’t ask you guys stuff-“

Dean glanced over to Sam, who shrugged. That was true. And Baldy had said to leave the house. 

“I know you can- shit-“ Chuck jumped back as Dean rolled down his window, before ducking down and giving them a nervous smile. “Uh, thank you.”

“What’s your question.”

Chuck watched Dean as he said Her name, and Dean’s whole body braced. “What’s she like?”

Dean scowled. “What.”

“I just, I know about all of you. Everything. Call it curiosity, maybe even killing the cat, but I’m just-“ Chuck shrugged. “I’d like to know.”

“Know what?” Sam jumped in, and Dean could’ve sworn Chuck shot him a glare. “Like, her favorite movie?”

“Yeah, sure. Or food, song, or- just anything, I guess-“

“Indiana Jones.” Dean grunted, and Chuck blinked at him. 

“I-“

“That’s her favorite movie.” He’d have to clean Baby, later. As an apology for strangling her wheel. “And she’ll eat anything with sugar, but she doesn’t have a favorite song. Likes all of them.”

Chuck nodded slowly. “Alright, how about-“

Dean didn’t have the time, or patience for this. 

He rolled the window up in Chuck’s stupid face.

“See you in five months!” He called through the glass, and before Chuck could even open his mouth, the man was just a musty spot in the rearview mirror.

For a while, it was just Dean, Sam, and the music, turned so loud it was pounding in Dean’s ribs.

It almost filled up the pit. The place that his body had always saved for Her. To be filled by Her light.

Dean needed to fucking find Her.

Sam cleared his throat, turning down the dial. “Weird day.”

“Yep.”

“I know we probably have some stuff to figure out, but, uh, Ruby texted me-“

“Did she now.” 

“Yeah, look, I know how you feel about her, dude, but she says she might have some important information for us-“

“Awesome.” Dean glanced at one of the highway signs as he drove. “Tell Bobby.”

Sam frowned. “Bobby? Why-“

“He’ll help you with it.”

“Dean, just because it’s Ruby-“

“I don’t care that it’s Ruby.” Dean snapped, and for once, that really wasn’t the problem. “I have something else to do, Sam, so Bobby’s gonna help you out!”

“What- Dean.” Sam sighed. “I told you, she’s probably fine.”

“I’m not making bets on probably.”

“It’s- It might be a girl who can hear angels.” Sam said Her name, leaning forward to try and hold Dean’s attention. “C’mon, man, that’s huge-“

“Good thing you’re taking Bobby.”

“Dean-“

“Don’t. It’s, I’ve waited too fucking long, Sammy, and she needs to know about this-“

“So call her-“

“She hasn’t been picking up.”

“Maybe she’s in a dead zone, she’s driving through miles in different continent-“

“Sammy. Drop it.”

“But-“

“I need to see her, okay?!” Dean’s voice had risen to a shout, but he didn’t care.

Sam didn’t understand. No one fucking understood any of this, but She-

Dean had told Her he’d be fine, and he’d lied. He’d told Her that she’d be okay, and now he didn’t know where the hell she was. He didn’t care about the angels, or Ruby, or Chuck, or fucking anything but Her.

“I need to see her,” he repeated, Sam sighed, and the conversation died.

Good.

Nothing, not another set of hellhounds, a single angel, or God him fucking self, was going to stop Dean from bringing her home.

End Note: Welcome to season four, squad. Kicking it off on a high note (meeting Cas)

Thank you so so so much for reading!! If you like this story, please reblog, share, or leave a comment! <3

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[roseworth]

Partners in Crime

word count: 2638

characters: Eugene & Lance

description: Arnie had a goal to get through to Eugene, no matter how much he tried to push him away. How hard could it be, right?

note: for lance strongbow appreciation week :) @tangledbea

AO3

Arnie made it his goal to get through to Eugene.

Ever since Arnie arrived at the orphanage, Eugene seemed even more distant than the other kids. He figured it was just because they were both around the same age, so Eugene saw him as some kind of competition. Still, he was determined to make friends with him.

Arnie’s family was… no longer in the picture, but he figured he could make a new family in the orphanage, starting with Eugene. However, the contempt the boy seemed to have for him was proving to be an impassable obstacle.

“Eugene!” Arnie waved from across the room as he walked in. Eugene’s face remained stoic as he looked up, but that didn’t make Arnie falter. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?”

“Splendid,” he deadpanned. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see if someone wanted to go visit the creek and check out the lizards,” he grinned, nudging Eugene’s arm.

“Go ask Lacey, she likes reptiles.”

Arnie frowned and looked over at the person Eugene suggested. She was about 2, and was currently trying to see if she could stick her toe up her nose. Not exactly who he wanted to spend time with.

“Actually, I meant maybe the two of us could!”

“No.”

“Oh. Okay. Maybe another time?”

“Maybe you can stop bothering me.”

Arnie deflated as the other boy walked away. That didn’t go the way he had hoped it would. Maybe Eugene needed more time to grow used to him. Arnie had only been at the orphanage for a few weeks, after all. Eugene would warm up to him eventually.

He decided he would give Eugene space for a while, then try again another day.

He couldn’t wait long. Arnie was walking up to Eugene 2 days later, hoping for more luck this time. It was looking like that wasn’t going to be the case when he saw Eugene roll his eyes as he approached. “What?”

“Hey Eugene, do you want to go-”

“No.”

“You didn’t let me finish!”

Eugene crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you,” he spat. “I don’t want to be your friend, so stop trying.”

That made Arnie even more frustrated than before. Why was he being so stubborn? Why was he refusing to even consider becoming friends? He didn’t even give him a chance! “But why? What did I do wrong?” he all but screamed.

Eugene hesitated, a look of surprise and sadness flickering across his face before returning back to his usual scowl. “I don’t need to explain myself to you,” he mumbled, storming out. Arnie wanted to follow him, but figured that that wouldn’t be much help. He watched as the other boy strode away, leaving any chance they could have had at a friendship behind him.

Arnie might have to give up. He would have to look for a different friend in the orphanage, or just wait until he was adopted to have another family. As much as he wanted to be friends with Eugene, he couldn’t seem to get through to him no matter what. Any attempt at a conversation was immediately shut down, much to his frustration. He couldn’t even get close enough to find out why Eugene refused to talk to him.

He couldn’t sleep that night. Usually, he was out like a light as soon as he got into bed, but tonight he stared at the ceiling above him, lost in thought.

If he couldn’t befriend Eugene, he would have to stay alone for even longer. The other kids seemed to not want to talk to him as well and he couldn’t figure out why. All he wanted was to get along with them and to build some kind of friendship with the others, but it seemed like his luck was against him. Not that luck had really been on his side at all recently.

He wanted to move on with his life, but he could only remember his old family. The family that wasn’t there anymore. On nights when he couldn’t fall asleep, his mom used to read him stories until he finally felt sleepy. His dad would join sometimes, too, and all three of them would listen to the stories of Lance Archer’s adventures as the stars glistened outside the window. They were so happy together, until…

Whatever. It was over. It was just hard to look forward to a new family when he had his old family ripped away from him so quickly. He couldn’t even see the stars clearly outside his window anymore, and his bed was stiff and cold.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard soft crying from a bed near him. It was one of the younger kids, probably around 3 years old. He felt bad for the kid, despite not knowing what he was crying about. Arnie used to have his family to comfort him when he cried, but he figured there wasn’t much comfort to be given around here.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” a soft voice whispered. “Stephen, kiddo, look at me. You’re okay.” If he didn’t know any better, he would swear that voice belonged to--

Arnie peeked up to see Eugene sitting at the kid’s bedside, putting an arm around his shaking form. The kid, apparently named Stephen, let out a small sob and curled up into Eugene’s arms. Stephen sniffled quietly as Eugene rubbed his back comfortingly, quietly reminding him to breathe.

“Hey, have I ever told you the story of the time Flynn Rider battled a ferocious dragon?” he asked softly. Stephen shook his head and looked up excitedly, his face still stained with tears.

Eugene launched into a story about when Flynnigan Rider was sailing across the sea and got suddenly attacked by a huge fire-breathing dragon. Arnie sat up in bed, quietly listening as he recounted the tale, though Eugene didn’t seem to notice that anyone else was awake.

“...As the dragon drew closer, Flynn raised his sword above his head, then swung it down to strike it one last time. The dragon let out a final roar as it fell to the ground,” he narrated. He glanced down to see that Stephen had fallen back asleep, his sobs long gone. He smiled, then stood up carefully so he wouldn’t wake the younger boy.

“What happened next?” Arnie piped up, making Eugene jump. Surprisingly, though, he didn’t throw back up the emotional walls Arnie was used to seeing. Instead, he sat next to him on the edge of the bed and crossed his legs, his lips curving into a slight smile.

“Well, Flynn found out the dragon’s cave was full of gold, and brought some of it to his island. But he realized he didn’t really want all that treasure to himself, so he brought the rest of it to the mainland to give to the people who needed it.”

Arnie grinned. “Flynn sounds awesome.”

Eugene lit up excitedly. “You should hear about his other adventures! He travels around the world, meeting so many people and going on daring quests. He has battles with all kinds of monsters, and always comes out victorious!” he rambled. Then, he shrugged and cleared his throat. “But, you know that’s kid stuff. I only read it for the little ones.”

Arnie scoffed at that. “Come on, this doesn’t seem like just kid stuff. I was enjoying the story a lot, there’s nothing wrong with liking someone as incredible as Flynn Rider.”

Eugene brightened back up and nodded, the smile on his face growing again. “You should read the Flynn Rider books, they’re all even more incredible than they sound.”

“I bet you would like Lance Archer, too. He’s a lot like Flynnigan, my mom used to read the books about him to me all the time.”

Eugene shifted uncomfortably, bringing his knees up to his chest. “What was your mom like?” he asked quietly.

“She was so cool. She would make me breakfast every day, and she would help me whenever I needed it, and- and…” Arnie tried to stop the tears from coming. He had been able to stop himself from crying since he had gotten here, but now it was all coming up at once. “She got hurt. And they couldn’t save her. Then after she was gone, my dad… didn’t want me anymore.” For the first time in weeks, he let himself openly cry around another person. As Arnie unsuccessfully tried to stop himself from crying, Eugene scooted closer to him and rested his head on the other boy’s shoulder.

“Your mom sounds nice. Not your dad, though. He sounds like he sucks.”

Arnie let out a small laugh through his tears. “He didn’t always suck. When it was him, my mom, and me, we were all happy,” he said. “What about you? What were your parents like?”

Eugene snorted, though nothing was funny. “Your guess is as good as mine. I never knew ‘em.”

“Do you know why they left you here?”

He shook his head. “That’s the way it is with most of us here. We never knew our parents, we never got an explanation as to why we weren’t wanted. So when everyone found out you knew your parents…” he trailed off, but Arnie understood. That’s why Eugene had been so cold to him. He was mad that Arnie got to know his parents, and that he had a family for the first part of his life. Eugene had been here for as long as he could remember, the orphanage was the only family he had. He must have thought it was unfair that Arnie was living a happy life before coming to the orphanage, when Eugene never had a life before the orphanage.

“I’m sorry,” Arnie whispered.

“No, I’m sorry for being mean to you over something that isn’t your fault. ...And I’m sorry to hear about your mom.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, Eugene’s head still leaning on his friend’s shoulder. “Honestly, I have faith my parents are going to come back for me someday,” he said suddenly, whispering like it was a secret. “I just haven’t really made it easy to find me.”

“What do you mean?”

Eugene laughed softly. “I was originally put in an orphanage a few kingdoms over, but I kept causing trouble so they kept needing to transfer me. I don’t even know where I’m from anymore,” he joked, though his eyes looked sad.

“Hey, maybe we’ll get adopted, and you won’t even need your birth parents. You’ll have a whole new family,” Arnie suggested, full of hope. Eugene just pursed his lips and looked down at the floor.

“I’m not holding my breath. The older kids never get adopted.”

Arnie’s heart sunk. He had been pinning at least a small amount of hope on getting adopted and gaining a new family, but hearing that Eugene had pretty much given up hope almost made him want to, too. Instead, he decided he would keep a positive attitude, that way he would have enough hope for both him and Eugene. Besides, even if he didn’t end up getting adopted, he and Eugene could be a pretty good family on their own.

After that night, the two boys were inseparable. Arnie read all the Flynn Rider books, and Eugene read all the Lance Archer books. They talked about the stories, and drew pictures of the heroes’ adventures. They even imagined what it would be like to go on heroic adventures of their own, to explore the world together, side by side.

Arnie had pretty much lost his hope that they were going to get adopted, but he didn’t really care anymore. As long as he had his best friend with him, he knew the future would turn out just fine after all.

***

Those are the memories Lance likes to think about now, sitting in his cell with Mr. Kilpatrick. It’s late at night, but he can’t fall asleep. These were the kinds of nights that he and Flynn used to go on heists together, under the cover of night.

But he had heard some distressing news from a guard earlier. They said that Flynn Rider had been executed in Corona for stealing the Lost Princess’s crown. He was hanged that morning. There was nothing he could do to save him, or just see him one last time.

Lance just couldn’t believe Flynn had gotten caught, he was always so stealthy. Sure, he liked to take big risks, but Lance couldn’t believe it had come to this.

Flynn used to say that he didn’t have to outrun the guards, he just had to outsmart his partners. Apparently his partners for that job were the Stabbingtons, so it couldn’t have been that hard to outsmart them, right? What could have happened?

Lance curls up in bed, unable to stop thinking about Flynn. He’s going to be released from prison in a few months, and he was looking forward to reuniting with his best friend. They would be able to pull another job just like old times, and they would be the world’s most notorious crime duo again. Besides, he had just figured out where the Baron’s new hideout is, and nothing brought the two of them closer together than long-awaited revenge did.

Months later, he’s released from jail, ready to be a free man for the first time in a long time. He might take a break from crime. Just a short break, though. He’ll turn back to crime as soon as a worthwhile job comes around. Breaking into the Baron’s house seems like a good option, though it won’t be the same without Flynn.

He decides to first steal something from Corona, in honor of his friend. Pulling a job in the place where his friend pulled his last seemed like the right way to respect his memory. He confidently makes his way to the kingdom, planning a one-man heist so outrageous, it would make Flynn proud.

From what he had heard, a lot has changed in Corona since he was last there. Not only has the Lost Princess returned, but they’ve started reforming their prison system. Figures, they abolish the death penalty after Flynn is hanged, he thought.

In a city near the outskirts of Corona, he finds a newspaper stand where the attendant doesn’t seem to be paying much attention. He easily slips one of the newspapers away to read up on some of the changes made in the kingdom, figuring that he should probably study up on what the kingdom is like before committing a major heist.

What he sees in the paper, though, shocks him beyond belief.

Eugene Fitzherbert had saved the Lost Princess, and is now living in the castle.

Lance chuckled under his breath, feeling a huge weight lifted off his chest. This means that not only is Flynn alive, but now he must be planning some huge job from inside the castle. He has to get in on this.

Of course Flynn is alive, Lance knows there’s no way he could’ve gotten caught in the first place. He had escaped his own death sentence, and managed to con his way into the castle. A classic Flynn Rider heist, of course!

He’ll wait until tomorrow to go to Corona and surprise Flynn. It’ll be just like old times again. He’ll get Flynn in on revenge against the Baron first, then Flynn will let him in on whatever he’s planning to steal from the castle.

Lance looks towards the small bit of the kingdom he could see from where he was standing, feeling substantially better knowing that Flynn was alive and well over there. Things are going to turn out just fine after all.

[marc-spectorr]

Hey Callie!

It’s Birdy! 🦜💛 I’ve actually been communicating with you out of anon so I like kinda forgot I hadn’t responded back yet 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 Now I’m wondering…would it be weirder to stay on anon or weirder to come off anon?? 🤔

But anyway! Yeah I wasn’t sure if people named themselves so I was like eh I’ll just call myself Birdy 😁

When I wrote that, I hadn’t realized you hadn’t seen Inside Lleywn Davis yet. Good thing I didn’t say anything else 😬 Tell me when you’ve seen it because I think I figured out why it hit too close to home for me but I can’t say without bringing up a major plot point.

Totally not trying to be creepy but just thinking that we’re in the same time zone and in another post you were complaining about the heat and going to Disney world….I’m assuming you live in a southern state? Obviously you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to! I live in one as well and thought it’d be funny if we lived in the same state. 🌴🌞🍊

Also came across a post you made about almost calling a patient Oscar?? I work in healthcare so something else we perhaps have in common? Lol Couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of us working in the same building everyday, our heads in the clouds daydreaming about Poe Dameron and having NO idea there’s a fellow closet fangirl who’s a coworker 😂 I doubt you work in the same place, I just thought it’d be hilarious 😁💕

Omgosh I used to love to travel before I got busy with work too. Of course I only ever flew up north to visit family but I used to love being in the airport and on the planes…me and my best friend used to drive to Orlando all the time but life has gotten in the way recently. Where would you like to travel to next?? Like realistically, not like fantasy vacation ☺️

I like cooking too but I tend to pick the most complicated recipes for some reason 🤣 my mom always looks at me so exasperated like why can’t you cook something simple?? Lol I actually tried to cook a Guatemalan dish (do I really have to explain why 😆) called tapado the other night and it was SO GOOD. Omgosh it was like this seafood stew but it had bananas? Got the recipe from Pinterest lol But I almost sliced my freakin finger off trying to peel a yucca root. My mom and I were laughing our asses off (hey it’s either laugh or faint) because we were like (you have to whack the shit out of it to even cut it) “what kind of Tarzan shit is this?? Why can’t you just cook chicken?? Are you too good for just plain chicken now?? Who’s out in Guatemala looking at this tree trunk thinking CAN I EAT IT THOUGH?? You know you’re never going to actually cook for Oscar Isaac right??” I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard!!🤣🤣🤣 Other LESS DANGEROUS hobbies I have are drawing, junk journaling, singing, writing poetry, and editing videos. I have a vlog channel on YouTube that I don’t pay nearly enough attention to but I love editing my home movies for my family ☺️💕💜

Can’t wait to hear back from you! Big hugs!! 💕🌸🌼🌺🤗

—Birdy 🦜💛💚

P.S. I watched Dune last week. Have you seen it yet? Cuz UGJSOENBEOWJLWODIDHEBO DEJSJSNDCIWODJR

heyooo birdy 💚🧡💚

omg we’ve been communicating off anon?? *tries remembering all of the blogs i’ve been interacting with in the past few days* this lowkey reminds me of a movie which i cannot for the life of me recall the title lolol. but it’s definitely up to you if you wanna stay anon or not! as long as we’re chatting, i like it either way :)))

ahh not creepy at all haha! i actually live in the northeast! yeah it’s hot here but you guys down there??? idk how y’all do it,,, the heat there is another level 😭 the only place i’ve visited in the south is florida and i was not vibing with the weather there at all skskksk. i prefer cooler temps like those in autumn/spring tbh. i hate sweating 😵‍💫 and yeeees!!! i work in healthcare too!!!! wow isn’t this crazy lmao. but ugh that would be so funny tho if we’re working together not knowing how big of a simp we are for the same man 🥲 my coworkers don’t get the whole simping culture unfortunately. must be nice not being hyper fixated on someone :////

as for where i wanna travel next, i’ve been planning a road trip to montreal some time this summer 😭😭😭 idek if it’s going to happen tho bc i can only go during weekends and it’s hard for the others to take off on those days. i would head there by myself but im not strong enough to drive the entire six hours LOLOL. i’ve been to toronto and the length of the ride was brutal i cant imagine driving there on my own.

HSJDJDBJDKSJJ HEY OSCAR WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COOKING GUATEMALAN FOOD HAHAHA. okay now im hungry after reading what you said and it’s only 8am ;-; i haven’t even gotten out of bed yet lmfaoao. but i wanna try this recipe out one day 👀 the only thing ive been cooking lately is pasta and chicken dishes since they’re easy and don’t take too long to cook ahjsjsjsj. also oOo a vlog channel :oo ohmigosh when i was younger i was obsessed with yt vloggers and vlogging in general. i even created a beauty channel but was too afraid to post lmaoao.

ahhH i havent watched dune yet 🤭 but ohhh goshh ive seen the gifs. im not ready to see oscar in his dilfiest role yet. i’ll let you know once i get to it plus llewyn davis!!! im still on a star wars high right now and mentally preparing myself for the mandolorian 💀

anywaaayyy love you birdyyy. you’re always a hoot to talk to :))) see you in my inbox hopefully soon 💕

[tsukidrama]

hello tsuki! i hope you’ve been well!

it makes sense!! it even gives annie more depth! it’s actually very interesting to read one fic after the other because you can really see annie’s development! you did such a great job. and i’m sorry if it was in one of the fics and i missed it/forgot about it but when did reader learn about annie being a titan?

all of the ideas you listed sound so good, especially the reunion, it sounds very emotional! i understand about annie getting to grow old, i was so happy for her and reiner! they deserve some peace now. and about the fics you’re currently working on, i can’t wait to read all of them!! they’re all about characters that i love and i’m even more excited to talk about them with you askfhehj

i love their teacher too!! she’s the most badass housewife i’ve ever seen.

oh i see! i wonder why it’s not more popular then, considering how loved aot is.

i understand why you call it your masterpiece! there isn’t one line that doesn’t sound great, it’s all perfect!

i actually wanted to re-read part 2 today but then saw that historia one shot, i am not a fan of her at all but since you’re the one that wrote it i wanted to give it a try and i do not regret it!! i really loved the details like “She’ll unfasten the buckles of your maneuvering gear with expertise and skill she could have only gained from being a soldier herself” reminding us of her past! the line “...had to do with your big fat gay crush on Historia.” actually made me laugh out loud. the rhythm of the fic is also so good, it made me as impatient as historia for reader to come back and then as stressed as reader when it started to get steamy! the descriptions were as good as always, it looks so dreamy to sleep in historia’s bed and use her bathroom omg leaving the barracks to live in a place like this must have been a shock!

then the smut part was really good as always, i like the way you write it because it doesn't seem “too much” like you can read in some wlw fanfics, and my favourite part is that it didn’t stop right after the smut, the whole part after that was so sweet!

so yeah it’s the first time i actually like historia in a fanfic (or at all almost) so congratulations lol! in your fic she is soft but not innocent but still isn’t extremely kinky like some may portray her, it’s the perfect balance!

oh yelena definitey is a psycopath, but seeing her in the game would be entertaining (at least from the outside)! she really is hot, i can’t wait for her last scenes to be animated, i’m waiting for it more than some important scenes lmao.

also i wanted to say thank you for all the content you provide us (i realised i haven't said it before)(i can't believe i get to read all of that for free!!) you're one of my favourite writers on here and interacting with you is really fun and always so nice! 🥰

-j

hey friend! i haven't been doing too hot lately but i feel better after hearing from you! 😍 i really messed up my knee, nobody knows wtf is wrong with it & i need to go back to the doctor because it's not getting better 😖

cries, thank you! i might put all the annie stories that share TRNT reader in a series on ao3 or something, i had been thinking about that in the past. i might even edit the masterlist although I'm not sure how exactly yet, just that I want it to be labeled if that makes sense? and no, i have not written reader's reaction to finding out that Annie is a titan, mostly because that shit hurts me. she would've found out alongside everyone else though... as much as Annie loved/loves reader, she's so convinced that that she wouldn't or couldn't understand so she never tells R anything. R's biggest reaction is like "well u didn't even give me a chance..." and she really wants Annie to wake up so they can talk about it. unfortunately Annie's biggest fear is exactly what reader wants/needs, to learn all of her motives and ask the questions she never had the chance to ask.

well, aot has giant zombies and the big mystery of humanity thing going for it. fma 03 is not quite so fantastical to begin with. and then by contrast the quick pacing of brotherhood turns a lot of people off to the slow burn storytelling.

hnnnng nobody ever reviews part 2 of cold hands cold heart because smut is embarrassing i guess so if you still wanna send that you totally can >>>>>> I don't have to publish the ask if you don't want to me to wwjwowkwkwk

oh damn that's so nice 🤗🥳 i feel so powerful when people tell me that i've made something they like with a character they don't. tbh historia's character got ruined in the end with the baby and ...being a fascist... but i loved her so much in seasons 2 and 3. royal govt arc supremacy. i kinda hate the way the fandom interprets her too. shhh it's okay, just come over here and pretend like the shitty interpretations don't exist... tbh I think historia would be very lonely and sad, maybe a little bit demanding but not a total freak lmao. aa thank you so much as always!! i thought it turned out so cute & i'm glad you agree!

i totally agree. same with how in canon she'll be saying something balls to the wall crazy and i'm just like 🤩😍 i'd be doing the same thing in any interpretation of Yelena lmaooo i do really know how to pick em, huh? i love my crazies on this blog. i shrieked and shrieked when we got multiple yelena shots in that s4 p2 trailer!! im going to combust

oh my god 🥺 you're welcome j! that's so kind of you, you so totally didn't have to say that for me to know - there's thanks in every ask u send me! you're amazing and I appreciate you so much 😍🤗

oh btw! if you ever want to send me multiple messages that's totally fine. i'm also trying not to come off as like 👇😠🤬 send more asks lmao because it's more like, i just had my normal schedule disrupted bc knee and then i had the biggest zone out of all time & forgot to speak to anybody besides my wife and maybe my mom for days at a time, oops.

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[arjsstuff]

Memories with Pkyek

My introduction to Pyaar Ki Ye Ek Kahani or PKYEK as we all called it started with the amazing introduction promos I watched several times on star one. I remember watching one of the trailers of PKYEK on star one when I was in 5th grade which is almost 11 years back. I was casually switching channels and I saw this ad, mysterious, the tone of the ad was pretty dark, a curly haired girl and a blue eyed guy and he saves her from getting hit by a car. It was strangely so beautiful and the words “math aao mere kareeb, aag hu main jal jaogi” was clearly stuck in my head and this was a promo a week before the serial released.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM1Cq62uJcY

I think the serial was scheduled to air from 18th October 2010 which was 2 days before my birthday and although I decided I have to watch this I could not watch it for some reason and I forgot about this serial. One day in class my bench mate and then close friend started talking to me about this serial and I immediately told her how much I loved the promo and she asked me to watch the episodes at 8:30 and if I missed it she also told me the re-broadcast timings which was sometime in the evening. I was like yeah sure since she strongly recommended it to me I would definitely watch it. So I was almost 7-8 episodes late and the first episode I watched was Abhay-Piya's first dance and the first scene I watched was Haseena telling Abhay to control himself on their party night near a small bridge kind of place and then the dance followed. 

OMG I must tell how it was one of the best dances I had ever seen on TV serial, it was so magical, especially the way they both were so lost in each other’s eyes and he ensured her torn dress wasn’t visible to anyone and also they danced on to kuch khaas hai song which was such a great song and it ended with the signature Mahiyaa tune. It instantly got me hooked to and I watched it religiously every day. My mom did not want me to watch teen romance Hindi TV serial so I literally had to change channels to Hungama every time she came to the hall XD. Since PKYEK was such a phenomena at school I made so many friends and the best part about pkyek is wherever I went after school for example junior college, Uni, my cousins friends etc all became my friends because of how we all watched pkyek LOL. 

Anyway so I got my really studious friend Z into watching it and she was this person who never watched TV but once she say Abhay she was hopelessly in love with that guy. I cringe when I think we all went through this in 5th grade, I mean how were we all swooning over him like proper teenagers. Anyway one day she went to the library and found his picture on some magazine and she told me and I literally ran to the library to get a hold of it but there were so many people already holding it and finally I got a glimpse of Abhay Raichand’s photo and a short interview by Vivian D'sena. I think she started getting so addicted to pkyek that her mom did not like it and she sometimes called me n my landline to talk about it lol. One day there was this class in school where we weren’t supposed to talk so her and I wrote whatever we had to talk on my notebook along with my friend D and the full chat was about Z, D and me swooning over Abhay, while letting A have Abhay and us mostly us teasing her with him. The chats were extremely funny so I tore them from my book and gave it to my senior in my school bus to read it, and when her stop came, before she got down she handed over the papers to me. I think my bad luck was super great that day and my bus teacher, who was this very this strict language teacher who 7-8th grade students caught her passing the papers onto me and asked me to hand it over to her. I immediately put them into my bag and tried tearing them into pieces while she kept screaming to hand it over to her. In the end I had to hand over one part of the chat which was quite dangerous considering we were only 5th graders going crazy about an actor and talking like late teens but I managed to save the dangerous part in my bag. This ***** ma’am read it and literally told me that she would hand it over to my school’s head teacher and she did that the very next day. Why can’t teachers get a life? 

Anyway the next day I came to class and told everyone about this and my extra sweet friends told me not to worry about it. In between an afternoon class, the peon came and called Z first, we thought maybe she got called for some extra circular activity, but when the peon came again and called me I knew I was dead. I went into the head teacher's room and she had almost got screwed and I was next in line and I somehow told even D was a part of this convo and even she got called. The other girls in my class were actually worried cuz they knew what was happening. And later head teacher screwed all of us and I guess Z cried on her way to class and then the head teacher let me and D go to class but we were so shameless, after getting a earful we could not stop laughing and literally lmaoed in the corridor before entering the class. This whole thing kind of strained my friendship with Z, and we weren’t the best of friends anymore but D and I still stuck close.

My school had this weird system where there was a girls and boys corridor and the girl’s corridor was pretty cool since it was on the left side and was closer to the trees while the right corridor used by guys was where the teachers entered the class from. So in these corridors we always role played and for some reason I was always Abhay even though I wanted to be Piya (I’m guessing it was because Of my short hair and being an serious faced person generally) and a lot of my friends were Piya and this friend of mine who was crazy about guys was called tracker and my friend D was Misha and we used to randomly dance to songs and recall the dialogues from the previous episodes, do the remoe juliet skit from pkyek and all sorts of things.

The background music on Pkyek is seriously so legendary and is among one of my favourite bgm tracks for a hindi serial. I would personally rate it number one and it had been my ringtone for 3 years. I tried looking for the Mahiyaa singer and the official song but I could not find it anywhere and mostly found only the recorded copies played in the serial. In my school bus I had seniors who I was very very close to because of pkyek and we always sung the background music, it’s so funny how we knew all the background music from pkyek by heart and remembered it perfectly and were in sync. I started singing this usually in my class as well and my friends hummed along.

Times of India and this other newspaper which I can’t recall had this section where TV channel broadcast programs were listed every day and this tiny picture from random TV shows was displayed on top of it. Whenever there was a pkyek picture all our friends used to literally fight over a picture that was probably 1*1 cms, very very tiny and even the quality wasn’t great but if you opened my pencil pouch on any random day you would find at least 10-15 of them LOL (I’ve lost all of them now).

found this from https://thereandtheir.wordpress.com/tag/indian-tv-serial/ the tv listing was similar but it was a bit different

I already mentioned how strict my mom was back then so I had to watch the re broadcast since I couldn’t watch the episodes fully at 8:30 PM. I had to wake up around midnight or early morning to watch it. I remember my parent’s thinking I sleep walked because my parents found me in hall instead of my room on odd mornings. It was quite the life with the box TV since I had to sit so close to it and the volume had to be on 1 or 2 since I could not wakeup people at home while watching it. One of the benefits of waking up early to watch this was also that I could see the newest promos on TV and I was always the first one in class to tell what the new promos were about. I remember telling my friends some of the coolest Pkyek promos like the vampire reveal one which in my opinion is still the best promo for a Hindi TV serial (I think Parvati introduction promo for Mahadev on Lifeok is a close second) and the promo where Abhay bites her and many more. I remember revealing this to my friends and my friends rushing home and switching on star one and waiting for the promos to appear and calling me to tell how amazing those promo were.

I remember how this one time I went to my senior A's house and we created fake Ouija board to call spirits. So we called her dead grandmother's spirit and she asked if the creepy guy in her class who was obsessed with her would stop annoying her and I immediately remembered the pkyek scene where Panchi asks maithli on the Ouija board if Danish would ever get punished. I don't know who's idea it was to play with it but it certainly had to do something with pkyek.

Those were really the fun times of my life. Pkyek is and will always be the most memorable serial for me. It’s not like we can expect great cg and VFX for a vampire serial and it in no way could be another vampire dairy or twilight (not to forget EK produced it) but the story and the writing was really amazing. I was a huge sucker for Abhay-Piyas chemistry and the supporting cast were literally the best!

[alicanta77]

Well I’ve just finished TND chp 3 (I binge read all the chps just now after breakfast) and holy shit…I feel like I want to say something more of substance but I don’t feel equipped to, other than “wow?!” I’ve read another story of yours centered around Hyuck a while ago and Idk how you keep crafting these whole worlds but it’s awesome. I thought I was being paranoid about the Ten thing or the eye symbol thing on the uniforms when they got out of their trucks / my first nightmare there, and I’ve felt sus about the pills (which I wonder if anyone else has gotten?? It wasn’t mentioned. OR OR OR.…what if we DID all get them but they’re simply pLACEBOS and these are things would could do all along we just needed to “believe” we could do it. HMMMM 🔍👀) so I was on the fence but as I read on I now know it’s not in my head lol, pun unintended. When I noticed the similarity in schedule I thought “maybe it’s just structure, like we have at school or daycare” but 😐 The end of chp 3 hurt me. I’d had that looming bad feeling & sometimes in literature when a character makes eye contact with someone for too long in certain contexts it just feels like it’s somehow an unplanned but resolute goodbye and now… 😣Idk what to think, like that they pulled a him, on he himself and realized the jig may be up sooner than planned. I’m also paranoid that it was PLANNED for me to have been able to find what I found like a “Don’t even think* about trying anything slick, or you know what’s next” kind of way? Since of course only I would be able (other than 🐹) to get into a room I wasn’t “supposed” to go into anyway🤔 i wonder if our rooms are mic’ed? Tbh the whole time 🐰 talks to me I’m surprised he doesn’t just tell me it in my head in case there’s an eavesdropper about somewhere. I wonder if that’ll be our doom (I wanted to say “don’t these kids know technology is EVERYwhere these days?!!” until I remembered that no, no they do not. That’s,,,, the point of the characters escaping living a lie🤡 lol my Some with Jeno is so cute btw!!! ALSO, it isn’t lost on me that we probably never got our bookbags with our emergency provisions back🤔 It may be because I’m super vigilant (tense paranoid and anxious tbf) irl but I want their bags back! Cus if we needed to escape suddenly we would need the contents. This is all a jumbled mess of my rushed typing and rambling thoughts but one thing is clear. It’s all a plan. #StayWokeMyFriends 👁

omggg thank you so much for reading TND and i'm so glad you're enjoying it so far!!! ahhhh you also read post mortem? thank you so much for loving the worlds i make, i absolutely love writing my series and creating these alternate universes so hearing how much you enjoy them to literally makes me so happy. literally some of the best things to hear as an author is the reader's ideas on what's going to happen next as well!! like hearing about their views on things so far and then what they think/hope will happen. also when people bring up things that they want to see, i sometimes get really inspired by the things they mention and add scenes that are similar to that.

some of your questions will be answered in the next chapter (along with a lot of unknowns and confusion will be cleared up) but i can tell you that yes all the other members got a radiation pill as well and they all decided to take it. ooooh placebo, that's a really interesting idea! however, i can confirm (it will be mentioned in the next chapter but it's not a spoiler so i'll say it here) that the pills are... *insert drum roll* really radiation pills! these are something that the facility were telling the truth about and they do enhance their abilities. since their abilities were born from radiation exposure, it gives them extra strength. i really wanted to play around with the eye symbol as well, something that creates a link to the lab that i could reiterate in later chapters. the only problem was, i came up with that idea during chapter two, hence the flashback scene lmao.

i had the ending of chapter 3 planned for so longgggg. literally that scene was one of the first one i wrote, and then i edited it when i got around to finishing the story so that it linked well to the previous scene. but things like the door, and the rooms possibly being mic'ed will be revealed in later chapters!!! i'm afraid i can't be saying that here so, you're going to have to wait and see why things panned out the way they did.

and omg the bags!!! i almost forgot about those, i'll add them into my list of details to remember (i keep a page of notes of things that i've mentioned or the characters have gone through, it also doubles as my plan for the next chapters, but it helps with continuity) and who knows.... maybe we'll see them again.

[stonerbughead]

Maria watches friday night lights (#35)

5x12 baby, helpppp how are we already at the penultimate episode (already, i say, after dragging this first-ever watch out basically as long as humanly possible L O L why am i like this)

my reactions / recap / flailing under the cut

I see that Tyra is literally the preview photo so I’m already like OH SHITTTT

Tami coming home from the airport with potentially life-altering news...and Eric is asleep in front of the TV on the couch, clearly trying to wait up for her, my heart.

AHHH Julie’s home??? A surprise? This is so fucking cute! The ending vibes are definitely here.

Omg Tim are you good, baby? Is he throwing his bed out of the trailer? Damn he clearly has so much trauma from prison.

Damn NBC 8 is pulling up, that’s how you know it’s State. “It’s State, Levi, get used to it.” “No, I’ll NEVER get used to it!” Lmao i love Levi.

WOW look at Luke trying to set up childcare so moms can participate in a hearing about school funding! GO OFF KING

Omg i almost forgot Mindy was pregnant again. Billy’s so excited...oh fuck, TWINS? They’re gonna be so broke forever. Mindy is as horrified as I would be lmao

Oh shit, here we go...Tami’s finally telling Eric about the job offer...and admitting she wants it!!! AHH

“We’d have to move to Philadelphia.” “We live in Texas. Honey, Texas...is where our friends and family are. Texas is where I work, Texas is where I have my job.” Weren’t y’all just thinking about moving to Florida like two episodes ago? I smell a double standard, sir!

Ugh Eric is shutting down. “I can’t talk about this right now.” BISH

“How many times have we moved before for your job?” MMHMM that’s right, Eric! You look shell-shocked but you need to take that in, sit with it!

Tim Riggins behind the bar is hot. Just an observation.

Ugh, the tension between poor Tim and Billy. Tim’s gonna go to Alaska?! WOW did not see that plan coming!

“What the hell are you gonna do, sleep with a bunch of woodchucks?” BILLY WHAT LMAO

“You’re gonna leave Texas?” “YES.” I love the drama in both these back to back conversations about the thought of Leaving Texas.

Broken dryer, Jess, I’ve been there. Like right now, we have a broken dryer in our apartment. Ooh, Vince coming and finding her and being gentle!

Aw poor Jess. “I finally found a coach who was open-minded enough to let me in and not laugh at me. He lets me shadow him and teach me how to be a coach, and now they’re gonna take it all away.” These poor kids.

VINCE: “We won’t let that happen.” MY HEART. I love them.

Wow, Luke’s being sold a low-tier football program, isn’t he? “We just got a Costco, and a brand new movie theater in the town.” yikes.

How is a reporter asking Eric “are you worried he’s taking on too much?” about a teenage boy. Like, how do they know this much about Vince’s life? Texas football culture will forever amaze me, even after watching almost the entire series.

“We haven’t even scratched the surface of what Vince Howard can do.” AWWW my heart! Eric is such a good coach.

Oh wow, the East Dillon Lions vs. Dillon Panthers funding debate!!! Did they send a Booster Club representative here to Buddy’s door to shake him down? “There’s gonna be a lot of changes.” Like what IS THIS?

“Vince Howard is gonna be a Panther.” This is... A Lot. “That chair at the head of the table is waiting on you.”

Oh nooooo Tim getting physical with a customer.

“I’ve been waiting five minutes for my drink.” FAMILIAR VOICE IN THE CORNER??? “Hey there, jailbird.” It’s Tyra, and she has long brown hair! I dig it! I dig this reunion!

Aw, Eric coming home and immediately apologizing to Tami for earlier.

Tami’s being realistic that if the Lions lose, their economic situation is in jeopardy—so a good job offer on the table is something to consider!

“So you’re routing against us?” OMG and there’s a moment when Tami thinks he’s referring to them but then realizes he’s referring to “oh, the team?” jfc “You and I, or us the Lions. Of course.”

“You know what, I’ve been a coach’s wife for 18 years. Every decision we’ve made has been based on your coaching career.” LIFE BEYOND FOOTBALL OH SHIT

Oh God Eric’s getting up with the keys???? Come on, dude! This is not cool! There are so many colleges and high schools in Pennsylvania! I promise they play football there!

Omg did Tyra just tell Tim about the twins since he refused to really talk to Billy?

Aw Tyra wrote to him in prison? That’s sweet.

Awww Mindy’s literally having a breakdown about not having enough space, and not being able to handle three kids. These poor babes. And the football team’s fate hinges on this because of the assistant coach’s salary...fucking crazy

Ooh now Buddy’s trying to hype Eric up on the Panther-Lions Superteam they’re gonna create.

Aw the whole fam at Billy and Mindy’s—Tyra, Becky, even Mama Collette.

“He’s got some stupid idea he’s gonna go to Alaska and work on a pipeline.” Well, when someone comes to prison and tells you they’ll actually let someone who has to check the felony box work a job with decent wages, yeah. God, the prison industrial complex sucks. Feeds the most vulnerable people into the shittiest jobs.

Julie outside of the Saracen home? Awww. Has she seen him since that romantic Chicago good-bye?

Luke, listen to Becky!! “I’d really appreciate if you put down the wrench and listen to me.” YES GURL

“That’s not real. You are! And I just think there’s been a lot of misunderstandings.” “Well, that’s really pretty you should put it in a love poem.” “Are you kidding me? Go to hell!” yeah, correct answer, Becky! These teens are under so much STRESS! The DRAMA!

Omg all these grown men screaming at the town hall meeting about football i cannot

Ewww these classist fucks. “Some of us on this side of town happen to own our houses.” Eat the rich.

Why the fuck is Billy writing a fucking speech while driving? And he’s surprised he swerved? Sir…

Aw poor Eric with pain in his eyes telling Billy he can’t be definitive about his job security...I mean, yeah.

Aw, Luke coming into the bar while Tim is working after...that talk with Becky…

“You and Becky...are you in love with her?” Tim looks so amused. “Are you serious?” “...Yeah. “No, I’m not in love with Becky. I care about her.” THANK YOU BOYS AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS. Is this not what Becky tried to tell you last night? “I’ve been there a few times when nobody else was, but that’s about it.”

Aw Luke is so similar to Tim rn! Not “feeling it” from the school that wants him, even tho he loves football!

“You’re going to state, yeah? Nothing’s gonna beat that.” “Play it that way. Play it like it’s the last time you’re ever gonna lace up.” Some iconic Tim Riggins lines here!

“We were at the meeting last night, but we don’t want to argue or yell, we just want to give you our thoughts.” MY HEART i love Vince and Jess. “Well, that’ll be refreshing.” LOL after all these grown ass men were screaming over each other

“Was it really that bad?” “If you’re asking if I was raped in prison, Tyra, the answer’s no.” LOSING IT at this exchange lmao

“Tim Riggins, what the hell is going on with you?” that’s the question!

Oh shit is Tyra just finding out that Tim took the fall for Billy now...fuck

“He had a wife, a family. I had the chance to give him something, to give Stevie something we never had. To give him his father.” Damn, the look on Tyra’s face. She knows all too well why he did what he did even tho it fucked him up :( THE EMOTION. THE PAIN!

Damn they’re announcing the decision on the Dillon teams *before* state?

“What are you hoping for?” loaded question, Julie! “I hope that the Lions get to stay put, and I hope that I get to be Dean of Admissions at Braemore College.” awww yeah you do deserve it all, Tami.

Oh wow all these people from both teams standing in the street, drinking and talking and waiting for the decision with “i was living in a devil’s town” playing??? THIS SHOW.

I feel for the dude who has to address this town about this decision.

Anddd there it is, they eliminated the East Dillon program. The rich kids cheering for their victory in front of the poor kids mourning the end of the program they fought to make better is so fucking tacky.

And omg now they have to play state?

“Let me tell you something, you’re gonna be the star quarterback of the Dillon panthers next year, and you’re gonna shine.” OH this hug between Eric and Vince! “See you at practice tomorrow.” Again, the reminder that these people gotta play a *state championship*! wild

“We need to talk.” BUDDY WHAT?

Aw Julie and Tyra hanging out and there are Panthers screaming out of cars. “Welcome back to Dillon.” “No place like it.” Oh, this warms my heart.

I love this exchange: “You know, it’s kind of like this drug. When you get outside of it, you see it for what it really is. But when you’re in it, it seems like there’s no other possible reality.” “It’s a hard place to shake.” “Yeah...I didn’t see that one coming.”

“Whatever happened with you and Matty?” SAME, TYRA, SAME. “We’re good. I mean, we still talk every now and then. He went to Chicago. I went to visit him awhile back, and...I don’t really know what we are or aren’t or…” INTRIGUE. “I kind of just really miss him.” “Life’s harder when you really love someone.” Awwww. I loved that scene so much.

Wow, Buddy and Eric are talking at the Panthers field?

Oh, Buddy’s trying to sell him on winning the championship and then going to the Panthers to coach along with Vince….

“I can never come back to this school and coach. Never.” I mean, FAIR.

“Three rings in six years. That’s history. No one’s ever done that. You’ve got everything you want.” Yeah, Buddy, but does Tami get what she wants in that scenario?

Lol i love all the East Dillon Lions drunk on the field, like seasons’ past with teams past…

“Alright I’m taking a piece of grass home.” LOL TINK

To State and to Coach Taylor, huh? Sounds familiar. And Buddy Jr. is puking. Lmao.

“Just make sure you’re really okay with losing him.” YES Tyra! As much as Billy has majorly fucked up, i agree with her that the idea of the Riggins brothers losing each other when they ONLY had each other for so long...it makes my heart sad.

Oh shit are Tim and Tyra about to kiss? I almost forgot they were together back when this whole show started! “Please don’t go.” DAMNNN

Wow what a scene. Eric comes home with his news that he could have “everything” and Tami replies, “I’ll say to you what you haven’t had the grace to say to me: congratulations, Eric.

“I want you to take me someplace.” “Where?” “I’ll tell you when we’re on the way.” This is really cute! Also Tyra is so hot damn gurl i see you!

Aw Vince shooting his shot, yes! “What about you and me?” “I was really proud of how hard you tried. Thank you.”

“You already have two strikes against you.” “Jess, I was born with two strikes against me.” LOL SO TRUE. and aw what a hug!

Tyra took him to his land, didn’t she??? “Alaska, Tim?” He’s SMILING. Is that Texas Forever vibes i’m seeing here?

AH, Matt is home with a Christmas tree to see his grandma!!! She’s so excited!!

Aw she forgot his dad’s dead? “Did you say it was Christmas?” Oh this is so sad.

Why are Buddy and the Panthers coach standing at the Taylors’ front door like fucking cops late at night? This football program is sinister at times.

“Eighteen years.” Yeah, Tami. And then she turns it back on: “Can I get you two anything? Iced tea, water?” and FADE TO BLACK.

Damn!! What an amazing set-up for a series finale I’ve heard only good things about!!! AHHHH

[karasunorizaki]

bittersweet always (sakuatsu angst fic)

Summary:

Every relationship has its ups and downs but they say if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations. Well, whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is whether or not everything they are is too much to handle.

or Sakusa Kiyoomi realising that he's had enough (i'm so sorry Atsumu but you are an absolute ass in this)

or the fic i wrote while i was drinking and i needed to get this of my chest and saw SakuAtsu as the perfect victims :')

Pairing: Sakusa Kiyoomi x Miya Atsumu

Genre: Angst, some Fluff (like v little), Kinda Toxic Relationship, it’s pretty much just Omi realising his worth you know

Wordcount: 6.5k

ao3 link

say hi to me on twitter if u have the time :D

omg sorry i got too lazy to make a header picture thing for this plus there are probably errors ahead too because i got too lazy to proofread this i just wanted to post it already lmao

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but they say that, if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations. Well, whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is whether or not everything they are is too much to handle.

It's so quiet that Kiyoomi can hear a pin drop but, at the same time, the noise in his head and heart feels like it can rival a thousand sirens.

Is this still right? is this still worth it? Should we keep going on or will that only hurt us more? All these questions left unsaid but taunts both Kiyoomi and Atsumu as they don't even have the heart to meet gazes. 

They're only a dinner table distance away from each other but Kiyoomi has never felt so far from his tsum tsum. 

They've been like this for almost half an hour now, their luggages still at the doorway untouched. He and his Tsum tsum needed to talk.

Tsum Tsum. He used to never call him that. 

It was always Miya or just Atsumu you idiot before they both finally confessed their feelings to each other at the expanse of their teammates who were tired of their obvious pining for one another.

____________________

"Oi, i may look like a tomato right now but i am not even the least bit drunk!" Atsumu raises his empty glass at Bokuto, who was the one who pointed out how Miya Atsumu gets oh so easily red after a few glasses of alcohol. 

They've been on about who gets drunk the easiest in the team and even though the whole team knows it's a tie between Hinata the low tolerance child and Bokuto the alcohol hogger, Atsumu's always won the title for the one who gets all alcohol tipsy blushy red the easiest.

Kiyoomi, who has his signature scowl on his face, thinks Tsum Tsum’s cute but would never admit to that.

"Did i hear that right, omiomi? did ya just call me cute?" Kiyoomi feels his world almost stop when he realizes that he blurted that he found Miya Atsumu cute out loud and curses whoever is up there for not giving him the strength to stop himself. Why oh why out of all the times he accidentally blurts out his pining over Miya, it's right when he's in front of him? Is it the alcohol? Kiyoomi never wants to consume alcohol again.

"Puh-lease he always does that, always under his breath, behind his mask, whenever tsum tsum is doing literally anything" Bokuto says as if it was a fact, emphasising on the words literally anything because not even Kiyoomi can deny that he does indeed do that, but that's not the point. May it have been out of his tipsiness or not, Kiyoomi only wants to punch his face but he knows he'll never hear the end of it from Akaashi-san.

But if Bokuto Koutaro valued his life he would know better than to keep exposing Sakusa Kiyoomi like thi-

"oh did Miya finally catch on to Sakusa's pining? ugh, finally" OH MY GOD WHAT EVEN ARE THESE TEAMMATES? Thomas groans into his hands, the rest of the team letting out howls and chuckling that echoes throughout the common area and Kiyoomi is already planning how to murder his teammates in their sleep OR maybe he'll just have himself signed over to another team, preferably onto a team that won't put him on the spot in front of his crush like this.

Crush- hah, that sounds so childish, Kiyoomi tells himself in his head just to check that nothing is wrong with his cognitive abilities and he's still able to speak to himself in his mind because he still can't believe that he blurted that out in front of Atsumu. 

He'd been doing so well with just Bokuto or Hinata or even Captain Meian catching onto the muttering of a pining Sakusa Kiyoomi, but all that's thrown out the window apparently.

"Omi's what?" Atsumu the oh so ever oblivious boy blushes to the tip of his ears, head tilting to the side a little bit and it's as if all the annoyance in the world disappears for Kiyoomi and goddamnit not even the gods above (or more realistically, Atsumu's own twin brother) can tell him Atsumu looks stupid when he blushes like this because he's so extremely cute in his eyes and only Atsumu will ever have this kind of effect on Kiyoomi and he's trying so so so s o hard not to let that show right now even though he feels like he's going to combust-

"I think it's time they finally discuss about pining over each other in private, boys" with a smug expression on his face, Bokuto is able to file each of the members of the msby out of their shared living room and retreat to their own bedrooms.

So he wasn't just tipsy, he was being the sly ass Kiyoomi knows he's always been. Oh he's so getting it, Kiyoomi might just 'accidentally' spike a ball to Bokuto's head during the next practice. 

If Atsumu were to still set to him after this, Kiyoomi is already calculating in his head how much force he had to put into a spike to really get back at the black and silver haired man. He watches each of the members of the team give him a small nod, if it was out of approval or a small cry for forgiveness for riding along Bokuto's shenanigans, Kiyoomi doesn't want to know.

But right now, he feels like he's frozen when left alone in the presence of someone he's been undeniably been pining for the past few months. Miya Atsumu in all his glorious blushing state looks at him with an expression Kiyoomi can't read but he feels so vulnerable and the ice in his veins melts and now he feels like he's sweating.

Ah, crap. Am i sweating? Do I smell? Can he hear my thoughts? Why is he not saying anything? Why am I not saying anything? Sakusa Kiyoomi, say something for the love of everything good in life you can't just call Atsumu cute and act like a fish out of wa-

"Tsum tsum" the silence is first broken by Atsumu and even in his blushing tomato looking state, his expression softens and goddamnit did kiyoomi blurt that out loud again "it's the first time you called me Tsum tsum and i think i like it and I like you"

"Well it's a fitting nickname for- wait" what? did he hear that right? or was it the inner demon in Kiyoomi supplying him with stupid thoughts like this again "did you ju-"

And Kiyoomi barely has any time to process anything that's happening but all he knows is that Atsumu's lips are as soft as he's been imagining, sweet with a tinge of bitterness presumably from the alcohol they've been consuming all night and his warm palms cupping his cheeks are soft and holding Kiyoomi like he's so fragile and Kiyoomi has to mentally slap himself to try and at least reciprocate the kiss because Miya Atsumu is kissing him.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING, Kiyoomi's inner demon doesn't even have the creativeness to make this a figment of his imagination.

"I'm sorry i didn't ask first" is what atsumu says when he breaks away from the kiss, his breath fanning over Kiyoomi's lips and his eyes half closed.

Is he still staring at my lips? Kiyoomi thinks he is and he can't even deny that he himself is doing the same thing but with Atsumu's lips.

"It's just that i've liked ya for a while and i'm not good with words and the way the others said how you've pined over me so i kinda assumed-"

"I like you too, yeah" Kiyoomi finally says and it feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest from the months and months and months of harbouring feelings for one (1) Miya Atsumu "i don't think i'm good with words either"

So they take that as a sign to have their second kiss of the night, one with a little bit more passion and it's more intoxicating than the alcohol. So what if they aren't good with words? They're finally able to start their love story and it's all because Sakusa Kiyoomi was finally called out on for his pining.

Who needs to be good with words when Miya Atsumu is so good at kissing?

____________________

Ironically though, the thing with relationships is that you have to be good with words. With each other, at least. People don't say 'Communication is key' for nothing after all.

Yet here both Atsumu and Kiyoomi sit opposite to each other without any vocal exchange, again, for the past hour. Both their hearts are screaming at the other, wanting to just be in each other's arms again and hold each other, giving each other kisses and make love and have everything be okay between them

But things aren't okay between them.

They haven't been for a while and Kiyoomi knows this. Atsumu, still tsum tsum in Kiyoomi's heart, knows this. Things have been extremely toxic and they've been putting temporary bandaids to problems that can't always be solved with fucking and the on and off again thing.

When this started, Kiyoomi doesn't know. But he knows when he finally realised that whatever they have won't last or why it won't last, he remembers it well but just because he realised it then doesn't mean he was ready to accept it. 

He loves Atsumu with everything he is, he can't just easily accept that maybe the stars aren't aligned for them.

____________________

"When are you going to stop acting like a child and actually talk to me about this?" Kiyoomi is furious, fingers running through his hair as his gaze pierces through Atsumu's thick skull and he won't even turn his head to look at him "We lost a fucking game and he just made sure i was okay, Atsumu"

The name tastes so bitter on his tongue. Tsum tsum or Tsumu, it always was. But he doesn't have the heart for it now.

"If he brings you so much fucking comfort then maybe you should just run to him instead" even with his childish murmuring, the silence of Kiyoomi and Atsumu's dorm in the olympic village gives him the advantage of hearing Atsumu's words

"I understand that you're feeling this way because he's my ex, Atsumu. But we're literally on the same olympic team and it's out of my control. Am i seriously not allowed to even breathe around Waka- Ushijima-san?"

Kiyoomi understands Atsumu and his insecurities. Understands it all too well by now. 

He knows his boyfriend inside out and from the months and months of trying to help him through it because he's holding onto Atsumu's promise to 'change his habits' of being so harsh with his words when he has his moments and this is the moment during every argument they have where Kiyoomi is holding his breath, he doesn't want to fight. 

He's hoping Atsumu realizes when he's being extremely irrational or knows when he gets on Kiyoomi's nerves.

Because Kiyoomi's never been one to stand down, yeah sure he was taught by his mother to be wise in picking his fights and to defend himself when necessary but goddam does Atsumu and his moments rile Kiyoomi up so bad or maybe Atsumu makes Kiyoomi feel like he always has to defend himself. 

Atsumu, the person who is supposed to be his partner, his number one supporter, the person who he doesn't need to be defending himself to. Yet he feels like he has to every single time. 

Maybe Atsumu brings out the worst in Kiyoomi.

"Ushijima-san my ass. I know you call him Wakatoshi-kun. I know you've been spending extra time with him the past few weeks and don't even get me started on the fuck-me eyes, Kiyoomi" Atsumu's fuming as he rambles, fist clenched at either side as he's finally faced his boyfriend for the first time since they came into the room.

"Fuck-me eyes- are you serious right now? Like i had just literally said, we're on the same olympic team and that's out of my control. He's the team captain and everyone looks at him with adoration, Atsumu, but fuck-me eyes? that's just ridiculous. Additionally, what Ushijima-san and I had was way back in highschool! How are you still not over that?" Kiyoomi isn't usually a man with many words but as he's found out ever since the first argument he and atsumu had, he's been non stop preparing long speeches in case of times like this "We should be endlessly celebrating the fact we're on the same olympic team but here we are arguing and we have been since the day you found out the line up for this team! I only have eyes for you, goddamnit! My heart is yours only the same way your heart is mine. Always. That's our promise, remember?"

Kiyoomi can hear the desperation in his own voice and it's making him cringe. Lately, he's been subconsciously keeping tally of all the times he sounds like a wounded animal in front of Atsumu. 

To Kiyoomi, this means when he's practically pleading the other to just stop being such an ass.

"Frankly, i don't feel like your heart is only mine" Atsumu huffs out and at any other time Kiyoomi would think he looks adorable with his cheeks puffed out like this but there are tears pricking at Kiyoomi's eyes because Atsumu is always like this. 

It feels like they're the most perfect couple in the world when they aren't arguing, always promising each other that they're only theirs.

Always, they make sure that the other remembers. But it feels like Atsumu completely throws all that out the window when any man nay- any PERSON comes near kiyoomi and kiyoomi feels so suffocated.

It's all thrown out the window when Atsumu, out of no where, picks fights with Kiyoomi over some stupid thing that they should have been over for months now.

It's all thrown out the window when Atsumu chooses to act like a complete child paired with the biggest asshole in the world, throwing curses at Kiyoomi.

It's all thrown out the window when Kiyoomi calls Atsumu out on his asshole act and instead of listening to him, Atsumu chooses to become even more of an asshole and Kiyoomi is so out of words for how frustrated he is with the person he loves the most because he's been trying so hard for so long and it only feels like it's getting worse.

"Why do i always feel like i have to keep proving myself to you? We've been together for how long, atsumu? Almost 2 years now? Where's the promise you made me? The one where you said you'd at least try to change your toxic trait of being so harsh when you get insecure because you know how your words can seriously hurt me? Or the one where we'd both be compromising for each other when we encounter a road bump? You were the one who told me you wanted to change and, being the supportive boyfriend i am for you, i'm trying to help you do just that but it feels like you don't even want to change for yourself." Kiyoomi can hear his pulse and his chest feels tight. Kiyoomi isn't usually a sensitive man, he can take a few punches to the gut from other people but Miya Atsumu has become his weakness and unfortunately also the person who's able to hurt him the most.

"So what, you want me to change then? Suddenly i'm not enough for-"

"For fucks sake, that's not what i'm trying to say, atsumu! That's never what i'm trying to say. We're in a relationship, it's a give and take. I accept that you have your insecurities and i've changed what i can about me when i can about that to fit your needs, always reassuring you when i need to but you also have to do your part and know when things are out of my control." Kiyoomi's voice cracks and he wants to stop talking but he knows he can't just stop there "This is our what? millionth time fighting about Ushijima? Billionth time fighting about things i can't control like people being around me? How will we work if you don't seem like you want to at least help me out on working on your insecurities?"

Kiyoomi knows he's being a little overdramatic with the numbers but he knows that he has to be, being with such a drama queen of a boyfriend.

"Well maybe we shouldn't work. Maybe we should just break up again. Maybe you keep feeling like you have to prove yourself to me because it just isn't enough anymore. Hell, maybe you should just strut back to Wakatoshi-kun, I'm sure he won't make you feel like you're inadequate since he brings you so much comfort. Maybe you should accept the fact that i'm always going to be like this and if that's not for you, then maybe fuck this relationship" and as soon as the words leave Atsumu's mouth, Kiyoomi can see the regret in his eyes but it's too late. 

That's all out there now.

"Atsumu, that's enough" the voice of Suna snaps Kiyoomi out of his trance and he realizes that he's full on crying now.

And even like this, Kiyoomi is thinking of ways to defend Atsumu to Suna, who is Atsumu's high school teammate so he should know Atsumu better than anyone, yet he still wants to apologize for him and for making so much noise in their dormitory from all the arguing he's sure he's kept the whole japan national volleyball team awake from their screaming and even for not realising they didn't lock the door on their way inside due to all these intense emotions.

But all Kiyoomi can think about is how Atsumu's past the point of no return–again. 

The little hope Kiyoomi holds out for Atsumu during every argument has been squashed into nothing and Kiyoomi's already beaten up heart feels so so heavy.

"Omi, i didn't mean that. Wait-" Atsumu tries to reach out for Kiyoomi but right now Atsumu feels like fire and Kiyoomi doesn't want to get burned so he steps back, tears still streaming down his face because this is the final straw.

There may have been months and months and months of happiness and carefree love between them but there have also been the same amount of months and months and months of crying and arguing for the two and Kiyoomi has had it. 

Kiyoomi is so tired of Atsumu being like this. 

Kiyoomi is tired of them being like this. 

Kiyoomi is tired of this.

"I think it's best if we talk when all of this is over, Atsumu. You're right. I've been so accepting of your insecurities and working around it but maybe i've been accepting the wrong thing." Kiyoomi is thankful that Suna has stepped in between them because he knows that he'd run back into atsumu's arms if he weren't there. 

Every other argument would end up in just fucking and pretending it never existed or it would end up with Kiyoomi going the extra mile into compromising for his lovely boyfriend and it's taking so much of Kiyoomi's energy.

"Omi-"

"Don't omi me now, atsumu. I'm going to ask if Bokuto can switch with me for the night and i will see you when all of this is over" He's surprised he's able to even have the strength to resist Atsumu right now, what with all him suddenly going soft on Kiyoomi. 

He's always like this though, says the most hurtful things then goes soft and acts like i should pretend he never said anything. This repeated cycle of having to throw away Atsumu's hurtful words even though he ponders on them for so long was chipping away at Kiyoomi's sanity.

"You can take my spot, Sakusa-san. I'll stay with Atsumu. I room with Aran, if that's okay with you" Suna suggests as he turns his head to look at him, they both somehow know what the other is thinking– Atsumu is okay with Aran, he won't cause a huge fit if Sakusa stays in the same room as Aran.

The fact that even at the height of all this emotion, Kiyoomi still has to think about what Atsumu won't cause another fight over, makes his head hurt even more.

"Thank you. It'll only be for this last night" Kiyoomi pushes past Suna so he could pick up a couple of his things and in the corner of his eye he can see Atsumu being held back by his friend, Atsumu's watchful eyes following Sakusa picking up whatever things he'd need for their last day for the medal giving ceremony.

"i'll come back for the rest of my things tomorrow before everyone packs up"

Atsumu can only silently nod because he knows that in the short amount of time that he spewed out daggers at his omi and right now, saying anything else would only further cause the rift between them to widen- as if staying silent would magically make up for the months and months of hurting they've caused one another.

Kiyoomi wordlessly leaves the room, unable to stop the tears spilling from his eyes as he tries to remember which room Suna and Aran stay at, a small duffle bag slung on his shoulder whose weight pales in comparison to how heavy Sakusa's heart feels at the moment.

Omi is tired of this.

____________________

Things are still tense between the two lovers during the present as they still stay silently seated opposite to each other, pride probably in the way of them talking things out.

I want to just hold him, i want him to kiss me silly again, i want us to make love even just for one last time. Kiyoomi's heart is going bat shit crazy in his ribcage from the lack of attention and care from Atsumu (and himself, he thinks) and it's taking so much of Kiyoomi's life force to keep a straight face in front of Atsumu because he will not be the first one to crack.

In all their arguments, he likes to think he's always been the more level headed one between them. Always the one to be the ice breaker, always the one to have to compromise too. 

And it's finally come to the point where Kiyoomi has developed so much mannerisms and ticks and fears and insecurities about himself, most of which he didn't even know he had in the first place. 

He's come to a point where he has to always cut conversations with his friends short especially if its someone he knows Atsumu can get easily jealous of. 

He's come to a point where doesn't even open up to Hinata or Bokuto anymore. 

He's come to a point where he doesn't even want to go out by himself anymore, scared he'd piss off his boyfriend.

Months of arguing have lead up to this. Months of screaming at each other, not getting anywhere emotionally before deciding to fuck it lets just have angry sex and pretend nothing's wrong in the morning.

____________________

During the first months of their relationship, waking up next to each other with the sunlight spilling through the blinds especially after a night of love making felt like absolute bliss, arms protectively wrapped around the other with their breathing as the only sound heard from one another.

Jet black eyes would meet with piercing golden brown ones Kiyoomi would always get lost in and, with the faintest smile traced with nothing but sleepiness, they'd just almost telepathically tell each other '5 more minutes' but that could also easily translate to 'i wanna spend more time with you like this. i love you'

But it's been months since they found themselves lovingly tangled with each other in bed, and the sunlight that spills through the blinds feels harsh and scorching hot as they lay next to each other but with their backs facing their lover. 

Kiyoomi can feel the sting of Atsumu's scratches on his chest and shoulders, the heat of blooming dark purple hickies on his neck and bruises on other parts of his body, his bones aching from the rigorous fucking they did from last night.

It stings more than usual, and Kiyoomi guiltily disgusted with himself.

'Angry sex again, huh?' Kiyoomi thinks bitterly as he musters up whatever strength he has left to be able to get through the day. This seems like a routine to them by now. Atsumu somehow magically– and quite annoyingly, to Kiyoomi's misfortune– will find something to argue about, they start screaming at each other, then they fuck.

'When was the last time Atsumu made love to me?' There's tears prickling at Kiyoomi's eyes as he turns his head to check on his sleeping boyfriend. 

He has the same marks Kiyoomi has, red angry scratches lining his skin and hickies and bruises blooming at various parts of his body. He's no better than him in this toxic cycle.

If they don't end up fucking, it's either they decide to call it quits, ignore each other for a few days or weeks then find each other unable to resist and they fuck it out OR Kiyoomi, out of desperation, will come up with a compromise (one that's a compromise on his part mostly) just to be able to save the relationship.

This isn't healthy anymore. They can't keep doing this. But whenever Kiyoomi tries to think of what they could do just to save the relationship, he comes up empty.

He's tried everything.

He's opened up to Atsumu about his really toxic ways, how he tends to be really passive aggressive and how that's counterproductive in their relationship.

Kiyoomi has tried asking friends for help, that only made atsumu throw a fit, saying that omi is trying to make atsumu look bad to everyone else– which irritated Kiyoomi because, hello? he was only trying to ask them for help, something Kiyoomi ever rarely does because he likes to think he's very independent and capable of handling his own problems, but being with Atsumu has pushed him to do a lot of things that's so out of his character in the name of saving their relationship.

Kiyoomi even tried to suggest couples counselling, but he got so scared of even bringing it up to Atsumu to his face in fear of it starting another fight.

It's gotten to the point that Kiyoomi will try to avoid ANYTHING that would start an argument, which he finds extremely draining on his part, especially when Atsumu still finds something to argue about.

Kiyoomi doesn't even remember what they fought about last night. Hell, Kiyoomi doesn't remember the last maybe 20 fights they had the past few months. It's just been a cycle of something ticking Atsumu off or something he'd find, even the most completely ridiculous thing such as some stranger locking gazes with Sakusa for a little to long, then they'd start screaming each other's heads off.

It was about the olympics, Kiyoomi tries to remember, or at least it was something related to that. They got the news earlier that day about being olympic boyfriends and Kiyoomi wanted to celebrate but for some reason Atsumu had been in such a foul mood, when he finally revealed that it was because Wakatoshi-kun, 'Omiomi's oh so handsome and amazing first love', was also in the line up, Kiyoomi blew a fuse from the amount of irritation that built up because all he wanted was to celebrate being olympic boyfriends for fucks sake and this is what Atsumu's gonna focus on?

But there was a lot of screaming. A lot of threatening, mostly from Atsumu and his passive aggressive tendencies.

"Then fucking leave, if that's what you want. You've been waiting for me to fuck up this whole time anyways so you could get out of this, right?" Atsumu's words will always sting Kiyoomi no matter how many times he'd encounter them– and believe him, it's quite a lot– because why would Kiyoomi ever want for Atsumu to mess up? Atsumu is everything he'd ever hoped for outside of volleyball.

He doesn't even want to remember whatever speech he gave to atsumu after he said that because it's all the same thing to Kiyoomi now. He's always felt so inadequate whenever they fight like this. And it's not like he tried to fight these thoughts. Of course he has.

Atsumu is the sweetest when they're okay. Atsumu is the most thoughtful. Atsumu is funny and is the only person who can make one (1) Sakusa Kiyoomi actually giggle. Atsumu is oh so determined in everything he does especially in volleyball and Kiyoomi's always admired him for that.

But the moment atsumu's insecurities seep in, which have been more often than not the past few months, everything just turns to absolute shit.

"Goodmorning, omi" Kiyoomi almost jumps at the feeling of atsumu's lips on the skin of his shoulders and ah they're pretending to be okay again and, like the good boyfriend he is, Kiyoomi turns his head to greet his tsumtsum with a kiss to his temple, the sickly sweet tone of his own 'good morning, tsumtsum' causing him to inwardly cringe.

It's only a matter of time until he snaps, he's guessing.

____________________

"Atsumu-"

"Omi-" they call for each other at the same time, the first things they've said the whole night, and atsumu lets out a soft sigh "It's really 'atsumu' now, huh?"

Kiyoomi doesn't say anything. He doesn't have the energy to even call him Tsumu or Tsumtsum because kiyoomi is just tired– he's finally snapped.

"This isn't gonna be one of those break ups where we get back together after a few weeks of ignoring each other, is it?" he can hear the tremble in Atsumu's voice and oh my god he wants to go up to him and hug him and kiss him and tell him everything between them is going to be all right.

But Kiyoomi knows if he does that, it's just be him lying to both of them. He loves Atsumu, loves Atsumu just as much as he loves his career and his friends, all a different special place in his heart but the love is definitely there. 

He loves Atsumu so much that he doesn't want to let him go, but he knows he needs to.

It's something he knows he has to do. To let this go, a decision he's been absolutely trying to avoid because he doesn't want to lose his Atsumu. But Kiyoomi is starting to lose himself in the process and he can't let this continue any further. 

It has to stop.

"I've had enough of the straight up verbal abuse in this relationship and i've been so stupid to keep defending you to everyone. I've defended you to our friends, my family, your own family and even to myself. I love you and i love you so much but you're right, Atsumu" Now Kiyoomi can feel the tremble in his own voice but he braces himself, taking in a shaky breath before continuing "This isn't going to be like our other breakups anymore"

All this was directed toward Atsumu but Kiyoomi knows he needed to really vocalise it so he himself could hear his own words and actually believe it.

Atsumu's eyes are locked in on him and at any other given time Kiyoomi would feel absolutely small under his gaze like this when it's all intense and serious, but right now he's looking at Atsumu and his gaze looks so hollow.

And he knows that it's because it's finally getting through to Atsumu, what this is all about.

They aren't healthy for each other anymore.

Because yeah, every relationship has it's ups and downs. And yeah they say if you really loved the person, you'd accept everything they are without reservations, but whoever said that forgot to mention that sometimes what you have to accept is wether or not everything they are is too much to handle.

And it's become very clear to the both of them what they have to really accept– they aren't made for one another, not when they're like this. 

Not when, even after months of trying, Kiyoomi still cries himself to sleep because of his developed insecurities of himself due to feeling so inadequate for Atsumu.

Not when, even after a million tries of talking about it, Atsumu will refuse to stand down and still continue on his passive aggressive insecure little man ways.

Not when, even after defending Atsumu in his honour to his friends, everyone (mostly Hinata, Bokuto, and Komori) can see and will point out the tiredness in Kiyoomi's eyes when they have alone time with him.

“I’m not even going to ask because i already know” Komori had told him one time, referring to the redness and puffiness of Kiyoomi’s eyes, during brunch after a night of arguing with Atsumu over something Kiyoomi doesn’t even have the energy to try to remember.

They're both at an age wherein they'd like to believe that they've gone through a lot in life already, both together and separately. Maybe Kiyoomi will always get a little too sensitive and hurt over Atsumu's words and maybe Atsumu will never stop letting out those words that feel like ice cold daggers to Kiyoomi's heart. 

It's time to finally face things for what they are.

Wordlessly, Atsumu gets up from his seat and walks over to Kiyoomi, who finds himself on his feet as well, the tiniest fear of another scream fest striking his heart but Atsumu only reaches down to hold his hands.

And oh how Atsumu's hands feel so cold right now, the tips of his thumbs that Kiyoomi used to kiss only after atsumu washes his hands now gently caressing over kiyoomi's knuckles. These hands that fit so perfectly in his feel so cold right now and Kiyoomi can hear Atsumu take in a deep breath.

"I really put you through all that, huh?" he sniffles, obviously trying to fight back the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes, very opposite to Kiyoomi who's always been so vulnerable in front Atsumu, tears already blurring his vision "Maybe we really have been accepting the wrong things about each other all this time"

Kiyoomi finally agrees with what Atsumu is saying, fucking finally they're on the same page. Unfortunately for them, it's at the end of what they everyone thought would be a beautiful relationship if things had gone differently.

"Not that you don't deserve to be accepted flaws and all, but i've lost all hope that the person who does that for you is me" and curse the tiny hiccup that Kiyoomi lets out at the end of that sentence, he has to be the strong one in this. 

He's the one finally letting all this go no matter how painful it is for the both of them, because he loves Atsumu so much he doesn't want to be selfish anymore.

Atsumu finally lets his tears fall, a huge contrast to the hearty chuckle that rumbles from his chest. He's laughing at my hiccup, that fucker– and Atsumu lets go of one of Kiyoomi's hands to cup his cheek.

"Can i at least have one final kiss?" Atsumu's signature smug smirk paints his expression and as much as Kiyoomi wants to punch this man right now, he knows his heart will threaten him to stop beating if he doesn't relish in the love of Miya Atsumu for one last time.

And that's what they do. They have one final kiss, until it becomes another, and then another, each one more passionate than the last. It's sloppy, and quite salty from the tears their both letting spill from their eyes but neither give a shit about it right now because they both know this is the last time they're going to be in each other's presence like this.

Atsumu is gentle with Kiyoomi the same way Kiyoomi is gentle with Atsumu that night, both spilling their heart out at each other through actions. There's no harsh biting, no scratching down each other's backs, no gripping at the other's hips or shoulders so hard bruises would form and they're able to say they made love for the last time even if it meant they were saying goodbye. It's bittersweet, really.

And so Kiyoomi wakes up the next morning with an ache through out his whole body, similar to the kind of ache after every angry sex session they'd have but completely different in effect, but that ache pales in comparison to how much his heart misses the warmth of Atsumu's body on their bed– he knows it's empty. 

He knows because Atsumu's warmth is the first thing his hands sought out to only to be greeted with cold, empty sheets.

He didn't even stay they night, Kiyoomi's brain supplies him as the space in the bed was cold and barren of any trace of a Miya Atsumu.

His heart aches because he and Atsumu are finally over. But also, he can't help but notice how the weight on his shoulders feel like it's disappeared and he knows it's because he and Atsumu are finally over.

Miya Atsumu and Sakusa Kiyoomi were always meant to cross paths, Kiyoomi tells himself. They were meant to meet at some point, make stupid promises to each other like always and they were meant to share love. But they both now know that no matter how much fight you put into keeping each other from drifting away, if you aren't meant to be together in the end, you'll just have to accept it.

He'll always love Miya Atsumu. He knows that. Unlike the fleeting high school puppy love Ushijima Wakatoshi and he shared all those years ago, which was in all honesty quite pleasing to look back at because it was innocent and bright and everything a teenager should experience at least once in their teenage lives, the love he has for Miya Atsumu was intense and both calming and irritating.

The love he has for Atsumu is ever consuming and he doesn't mind that. It's a kind of love not everyone is required to experience, but Kiyoomi is still thankful that he did. Things were always intense both in the best and the worst way and it may have lead to the demise of their relationship, but he'll always be thankful for one (1) Miya Atsumu.

Miya Atsumu will forever be his bittersweet always.

____________

small author’s note: this is the first thing i’ve posted on my tumblr and i just really wanted to get this out ‘cause this is kind of a reflection and is very similar to my last relationship (excluding the parts where i’m a pro volleyball player ofc lmao) so i kinda just wrote this from experience (i’m sentimental like that) and am currently on a sakuatsu brain rot roll recently so :// im so sorry atsumu ik ur not this big of an ass pls

[parkjmini]

bts as fuckboys

[a/n]: inspired by @sweetersuga  | original post: x i wrote it as the perspective that you’re already close friends w them/have been with them before !!

Seokjin

he’s the funny, sarcastic one where he could be kind of mean bc he takes it a lil far

“you’re such trash you sleep with every girl”

“at least I can get someone to sleep with me”

he flashes a smile in the hall bc he KnOws iT GeTs oN YouR NeRveS

“When’s my birthday”

“January 1st bc u set off my fireworks baby”

“i am disgusted”

piggy back rides on those goddamn strong broad set of shoulders ooffff

“I’ll call you, ya?”

He never calls u bc he probably forgot too busy improvin himself

you have a streak with him and all he sends are selfies with the caption “I hope your day is as beautiful as I am (:”

He catches you staring in class one day and he’s like “take a pic, it’ll last longer babe”

And omg he ACTUALLY TELLS YOU TO TAKE A PHOTO OF HIM

so now u have a gallery full of jin and he wont let u delete them bc he thinks they’re all masterpieces you do too but youd never admit it

the only fuckboy that’s tolerable bc he’s rlly just a big goof 

“why don’t you ever have sleeves on your shirt jin”

“these shoulders are on display, honey, can’t cover up the jewels”

he’s kind of obnoxiously loud that u want to shove ur fist into his mouth to sh u t  him uP 

“dude, jimin’s hot”

“okay but so am i ??”

“ok ya youre really hot but so is jimin”

“jiMIN (Y/N) THINKS YOU’RE—-”

“–ANNOYING THANKS SEOKJIN PLS SHUT UP WHY R U STILL TALKING WOW”

“just trying to get my baby some more dick jeEZ”

Yoongi

“hey yoongs why dont we go on a date??”

“uuhhhhhh since when were we dating? lmao dont trip” 

gets a new number every 2 months bc he loves fucking w them crazy bitches too much

“sometimes you need to mess around with the ones who can bite off your dick, being risky is hot (-;”

“BEinG riSkY iS hOt ya u wont have a penis anymore at the rate you’re going”

kind of smells like a mixture of alcohol and cologne 

hand-on-ass-when-he-hugs

“let’s play a game, if u lose u have to take off ur clothes, if i lose u have to take off ur clothes”

“wait but yours stay on ?? wtf yoongi??”

“no mine will come off right after i see u naked (;”

the one to play with the ends of your skirt/dress/shirt bc it gets u so flustered and he lives seeing u flustered 

straight up Arrogantᵀᴹ at times its hot but ur so annoyed by it that u wanna knock some sense into him

wont ask for nudes but will ask to see some goods

“can i see ur tits”

“for the 4039th time, no”

“well, a man can try”

SMIRKY MC SMIRKY HERE like it just comes OUT of NOWHERE and it is OUT to ATTAC 

u dont have a snap streak w him bc it always breaks bc he replies every 3 years bc he was “busy”

but he’s always the fourth person to like your instagram posts???????

and to comment the water droplet/eye/tongue emoji combo ????

loves when u swat his hands away from gripping your thigh 

Hoseok

(i wanted to use this gif but it was so big and rectangle and didnt fit but u need to see that gif to really take in the fuckboy bc i cannot find a representation as accurate as that gif is)

always greeting you whenever he sees you

“hey babygirl”

“hoseok we just saw each other in chemistry”

“ok and????? can’t i say hi to my baby?”

“but im not”

“lmao every girl is my baby”

raises his eyebrows any time you fix your dress or your shirt

asks to borrow a pencil and never returns it

“where is my pencil hoseok”

“where is my kiss (y/n)”

“we didnt agree to that”

“well i didnt agree to give it back”

“dO u NoT kNOW whAT BoRRoW meANS”

loves to share so he shares a lot of his snacks with u

“omg i love snacks!!”

“oh baby me too” and trust me, he’s not talking about the food

has the brightest, kindest smile so it catches you off guard when he says some snarky fuckboy comment

loves physical contact !!!!! always has a hand on your back, or shoulder, or thigh, or hand, or arm

lip LICKING PARDON ME HIS TONGUE IS UNCONTROLLABLE

lets you wear his hats/jackets/hoodies bc he thinks youre sooo cute in his clothes

he walks around school with his hands in his pockets like a doUCHEBAG

catches you off guard by spinning you around with his arm around your waist 

uses the line “im a dancer” to get girls what an eyeroll

the type to drag you onto the middle of the dance floor at a club just so he could show off his skillz which are actually super bomb like even ur impress and uve seen them 308443 times

he got that sweatpants dick print 

Namjoon

changes his contact name to Daddy on your phone

Mr. Ass Man he loves ass ASS ASS ASS SO MUCH ASS BIGGEST ASS LOVER

“oh shit did you see her ass”

“look here bootylover123 stfu”

winks at you a lot in the halls 

“do you have a fucking eye problem namjoon”

“its a wink” 

“u do it so much that im beginning to think youre eye is having a spasm 

lets you copy his homework if he got a hug in return

the type to comment a peach emoji on your instagram photos even if there is no butt involved

loves when you sit on his lap 

one time there weren’t enough seats on the bus and he patted his leg for you to sit

“i know you hate standing (y/n), take a seat itll be fine”

“why can’t u be a gentleman and give up your seat for me?”

*alMOST CHOkES from LAUGHING* “me???!!! a gentleman??? wow u expect too much, just sit your big ass down on daddy’s lap or suffer standing”

buys you lunch bc he loves showing off his e x p e n s i v e w a l l e t 

he could go from having a full blown brilliant monologue as to why he exists to giggling about how your moles r arranged into the shape of a penis 

calls girls mami or ma 

asks for ass pics at like 1:32 AM 

and u send him pictures of ur elbow crease 

and he actually thinks its ur butt

BLASTS baby makin music from his car and causes a public disturbance 

has the highest count of broken beds, not bc of a high body count, but bc he actually breaks the bed everytime he sleeps w someone

Jimin

spaces out when ur wearing a low cut top bc hes too busy staring at ur cleavage 

his streak snaps are either mirror pics, his abs, mirror pic of his abs, and occasional dick pics

“wanna play 20 questions (;”

“we’ve played 20 questions like 20 times already”

“ok gr8 ill start first: will u let me hit it from the back??”

offers to netflix and chill all the time and it sux bc he actually knows all ur fav shows

ok let me reiterate, jimin knows all ur favorite anythings bc he listens to u 75% of the time bc he thinks ur voice is sexy 

will never fail to compliment you when u look good 

“damn baby, is this all for me????”

“no i just dont want to look like a hobo today”

gets super jealous when any other guys speak to u even tho hes piping down like 8 other girls 

“jimin they’re my frIENDS ur not even my bf why u tripping”

“they arent acting like theyre ur friends. i know fuckboy behavior when i see it (y/n) its my occupation, i do the same shit w girls”

“thats good then, someone else wants me too”

“not good bc ur HOT ASS IS MINE )-:”

youre saved as #1 babygirl on his phone no objections

walks into class with a new hickey in a new place every day 

he has SEX EYES u could never look him directly in the eyes bc theyre so captivating 

fucking walks like an arrogant prick down the hall and whistles when u pass 

brags about his big dick when its honestly not as exaggerated as he says 

has a picture of you in one of his shirts as his homescreen wallpaper 

Taehyung

“i wont show anyone, im not messed up like that” yea be careful w this one honey, pretty sure jungkook, hobi, yoongs, namjoon all know how ur tits look like

has the perfect innocent face where u have no idea that he’s fucking 4 other girls

always responds after 12 am and calls u at 3 am 

“tae im fucking sleeping”

“damn thats hot what else u doin??”

“hanging up on u goodbye im going to block ur number”

“pls don-”

uses the line, “i just dont think we’re compatible” on E V Ery GIRL 

offers to hangout but never follows up with it bc he’s never seen out in public with a girl unless its his momma 

“jasmine is telling everyone you gave her chlamydia, u get checked bro??”

“dont worry about it”

body count means a lot to him 

loves hugs bc he likes feeling boobs squished against him

sometimes INTENTIONALLY lowers his voice bc he KNOWS ur into that shit 

thinks youre playing hard to get when rlly u just dont care lol

“i know u want all of this, (y/n)”

“i think ur mistaken”

“right bc i want all of u (:” 

“ya tae let’s not get ur feelings mixed w mine ok thx u”

NO SUCH THING AS PERSONAL SPACE the boy is a koala and will latch onto u 

Jungkook

the biggest fuckboy of them all

has slept w almost every girl in the school and is v proud of it

“what’s your name again”

“rlly jungCOCK” 

“ok (y/n) i know ur fkcing name so can u learn mine”

u dont think he’s ever had a gf b4 bc he doesnt believe in labels OR commitment which hes pretty vocal abt 

unlike jimin, he doesnt own up to his dick pics and swears that they were “”accidents””

SCrEENsHOTS! but ur smart so ur face is NEVER in ur pics

“who’s boobs r on ur phone kook”

“yours”

“you WOULDNT DARE”

“i dont have photogenic memory (y/n) i wanted to remember those cuties without a shirt on (;”

looks too fucking good w a fresh cut that u need to avoid him in the halls or ull melt to goo

only owns white tees and timbs lmao hahahaha 

smirks when you bend down to pick something up 

that or he yells, “one more time, babe!”

“wat u doin”

“showering”

“without me!!1???” 

he’s on tinder too so once he’s done with the sampling pool at school, he can broaden his horizons 

a car enthusiast and will get offended if u dont think his rims r cool

thinks youre really hot when you yell at him or hurt his feelings 

youre his prized possession bc he actually likes talking to u but will never admit it 

has a specific nickname for u that he doesnt call his other girls bc its YOURS !! 

“hey cutie”

“hey jungCOCK”

hates the nickname jungCOCK 

[amoonmermaid]

Girls night w/ DY || bC WhY nOt

this came up while i was putting a sheet mask on????

idk i’m weird

lEt’S geT tHis SHit DoNe

so basically you had no girl friends, since all your friends were nct OBVS  since y’all were fetus y’know you all grew up together and shit like that

like Rosé was the only one she makes me so g a y

but smtms she’s like a dude 

so she was like your girl/boy friend

she’s so cute

oNE day, you were on your first class of the day, and she just did poof and you were like ???? where’s ma dud????

and she texted you like 10 mins after you noticed she did poof lol

“i got sick srry ma gurl”

:((

“sick girls night???”

“nah, i don’t want you to get sick”

she’s so pure oml

aNd you were like aWWwW ilysm

but then wAiT what am i suposed to do tonight??? :((

and then you remembered you have like a bunch of lame boys locked in your basement

how come i forgot them :’))

like lit you had lunch w/ them????

what’s wrong with you my dude????

so you texted them

u: “HeLLooOooOO my beautiful dorks”

u: “girls night???”

ww: “nah”

ty: “no thx”

yt: “winwin said no, so no”

jh, jn, ti, tn, hc, mk: “naaaah”

dy: “sure, i’m bored af”

u: “:DDDD”

and then you texted doyoungie pv to tell him the details

nd he was like k i’ll get the snacks

he was pretty chill lol

even tho he had like a hUge crush on you OBVS

but u r dumb so u didn’t notice lmao

soOoO like at 8pm your door went kNockkKnOCk

nd ofc it was my lil bunny :’B nd he looked so cute in sweatpants and an oversized sweater and a beanie and like ugh

he’s soo cute ok????

when he entered your apartment he got the comfy and welcoming feeling everyone always had when they visited you

and he saw like the little fort you made with your blankets and stuff

“got something else planed rather than watching stupid romantic movies and eating until dawn?”

“spa”

and he was confused?? and kinda pissed?? bc he thought you wanted to get his nails done and stuff like that lmao

AnD ofc you saw his expression and went “my smol lil bean, i’m not that cruel, i would never waste my nail polish on u”

“wow meanie”

after getting all comfy and getting all your face masks and like beauty products, dy started to look for a movie on netfleeex

and he looked so focused searching the movie you wanted to watch

like his brows were almost touching eachother  and his cheeks were puffed out

you were like wOw

“cute” you murmured under your breath

“hm? did you said smth?” he looked at you with the remote still on his hand and a confused look yet again

“dumb, i already saved it on my list” you took the control from his hand and moved away from him to hide the barely visible blush on your cheeks

now he was looking at you w heart eyes

like the way you always got away from anything that got you all flustered, he just found it really amusing and cute

and ofc he noticed you had smth for him

but he didn’t said anything bc he thought he would ruin it

but whatevs

when the movie started you were like “c’mere dumbface”

“what for?”

“face mask?”

“oh”

so he moved closer to you, cross legged in front of eachother 

he was like :[ while you were looking for the right cream for his beautiful face

nd when you found it you went aHA! and immediately oppened the little that thing and pulled the hair tie from your wrist to remove the hair from his face

when his hair was out of sight almost lol you started rubbing the cream all over his face 

squishing his cheek in the process and making weird expresions in front of him bc he was being extrmly quiet like wth my boi

he couldn’t contain the bubbly laughter 

you were acting all dumb

just for him

yes

and both of you were laughing and then doyoung was making weird faces with you

like let’s be dumb together

“okokokok let me finish with your ugly face then we can continue with this dumb session”

“k weirdo”

and then it was silent again

small grins on eachother’s face

and doyoung was looking directly into your eyes

like so intensely but with such softness

wOW

and when you noticed you stopped and looked at him all confused

“what’s wrong?”

he didn’t said a thing, he just cupped your face in his hand and kissed your forehead

he let his lips linger there for a while before pulling away

and you were so kjfdkjncsdjlabkjvsjdjs whATSGOINGONOMG

and he was looking at you with the biggest grin he’d ever shown

like i kissed you whatcha gonna do abt it

/blushing mess

you pushed him away and pulled your hoodie up, pulling it under your chin so now your face was out of sight and your burning cheeks were safely covered

giggles filled your ears and just when you were about to run away and take a flight to russia, a pair of long arms wrapped around your waist and suddenly you were pressed against his chest

the fresh aroma of his cologne filled your lungs while his chest vibrated with shy laughter

“i’m sorry, i won’t do it again”

you were so ready to cry bc iT WAS SO SOFT OML

when he let you go he was like k you can continue w your work, make me look handsome pls

you lit punched his face 

not a real punch

but his cheek was kinda red

and he was so??????? what tHE FUCK????

“i hate you”

he went all :(((

“kiss me again, but do it properly”

:))))))

once again he was cupping your face, caressing your cheekbones with his thumbs and looking into your eyes with the same softness as before

he kissed you with such tenderness and delicacy, his lips tasted like a mix of coffee and mint

the kiss was just perfect, it wasn’t intense, it was just perfect, slow and sweet

when y’all pulled away fInaLLY you turned into a giggling mess

he moved his hands down to your waist and pulled you even closer, nuzzling his nose in your hair with the soFTES smile ever

you were squished against his chest again, taking in his scent 

“you are mine now”

“i’m fine with it”

after that, random movies played on the tv but none of you were paying attention to it

y’all were busy cuddling and being mushy against the sofa, with a blanket spread over your legs and some pillows surrounding you

and that how y’all ended up snuggled next to eachother and dead-asleep

and the next morning Rosé came into your ap and was like “wASsUP Ma GuRl” all noisy and shit

nd when she saw like the trail of cheeto’s and m&m’s all the way to the living room she was like hMmmM

so she followed it and she saw dy and you cuddled together on the floor and she was like i called it ofc

and she took tons of photos and send the to the rest of nct

before she left she wrote a note on a post it and sticked it on doyoung’s forehead

“u r d e a d if u hurt her CAPISCE ?”

a few hours later you both woke up and were all lost and dy saw the post it and went all :((( bc he would never hurt you :(((

but after burning the note or idk?? just throw it away?? he brought you closer to his chest and stayed like that for like a min or two before pulling away and pamper your face w kisses aww :’)

THE END

omg that’s kinda long lmao

[wanna-17]

lai guanlin first meeting! AU

summary: in which you meet the new guy from taipei in your neighbourhood at the park playing basketball and you help him overcome his language barrier ft. seonho

length: 1.3k

a/n: i just saw wanna one yesterday at kcon and they are amazing. i have a fan account coming up soon basically i had hi touch with them (as well as monsta x, sf9, pentagon - i’ll explain why i got so many without spending any money) im also hardcore monobebe now rip me hyungwon was so smiley during hi touch omg and changkyun and kihyun are perfect. i wrote this a while ago lol so its not edited. but HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUANLIN (i told him this in chinese but no idea if he replied) im so hekjdqekjfheq post concert depression is peeking i stan all the groups that were at kcon now ;;; thats like 30 groups i stan in total now rip me 

note: normal font is speaking in korean and italics is speaking in chinese 

you’ve been living in seoul for 2 years already

you were born in australia and from there you had lived in hong kong and france 

and hence you could speak 4 languages fluently; english, korean, chinese and french 

your mum was chinese and your dad was half korean and half french 

people were always in awe of how “cool” your ethnicity was and you definitely agreed it was unique

but you didn’t like how once you finally had settled into a new country, you’d have to move to another and try to adapt again

and it was also really easy to lose touch with the friends you’d made

anyways enough of that lmao

you are now living in the city of seoul in korea 

and you were lucky that you fitted in quite well and your neighbour was yoo seonho who was probably the most outgoing kid ever who knew literally everyone 

so he basically introduced you to everyone 

he was one year younger than you but very smart so you guys were in the same grade 

you two would often walk home together and crash each other’s houses to do  homework together

anyways back on track AGAIN i need help lmao 

it was almost the start of the new school year 

and one week before school started again 

you were collecting the mail from the letterbox when seonho happened to be heading out 

he saw you and waved

“hey y/n!!!!!!”

you waved back “hey seonho” 

“omg i almost forgot to ask you, do you wanna come to the park right now?”

“right now? why?” you asked

“you haven’t met the new guy here, lai guanlin right?” asked seonho as he pronounced lai guanlin with an awkward accent that was mixed with korean and chinese 

“uhhh lai guanlin? that’s a chinese name” you replied 

“yes yes stop showing off your chinese y/n” replied seonho rolling his eyes 

you laughed, since seonho could only speak korean you sometimes taught him some chinese and he just sounded super funny whenever he spoke chinese 

“well what about this lai guanlin dude?” you asked seonho going back on topic

“you have to meet him y/n, he’s from  taiwan and he’ll be coming to our school” replied seonho

“oh thats nice,” you answered in a half hearted tone not really interested 

“y/n!!!” whined seonho

“what” 

“you have to meet him because he’s basically a super star and he’s playing basketball at the park today” 

“a super star? what do you mean?”

“he’s super good looking” 

you sighed seonho knew you liked any guy that was good looking even though nothing ever worked out between your previous crushes because they either were 1) taken or 2) had crappy personalities 

he’d always try to matchmake you off lmao and you’d do the same to him 

“how good looking is he?” you asked jokingly

“HES MORE HANDSOME THAN ME” said seonho proudly as he thumped his chest loudly 

you scoffed, “whatever dude not interested” as you decided to head back inside to finish watching the new variety show you had started earlier that day 

“no seriously, i even ship you guys already, he’s so good looking. i’ll shout you fried chicken tonight, that’s how desperate i am” said seonho 

it was unusual for seonho to offer to shout you fried chicken so you reluctantly agreed and before you knew it, seonho was dragging you to the park and you couldn’t even change out of your trackies into something more presentable 

you guys arrived at the park and before approaching the basketball courts, seonho first pulled you behind a tree

“seonho why the heck are we hiding behind a tree?” you asked sighing at seonho’s actions

“you need mental preparation beforehand because he’s really handsome, too hot for you to handle” 

“pfffffttt” 

“there he is! the tall one with black hair!” whispered seonho pointing towards the basketball courts, you rolled your eyes ready to be disappointed 

seonho would always claim a guy was good looking and whenever you checked them out, they were just really average so you were literally only at the park for the free fried chicken shout afterwards

you turned around eyes following where seonho was pointing at and your brain froze

there playing basketball on the court was the most gorgeous guy you’d ever laid eyes on

his hair was a natural black colour, his body was lean and slightly muscular, he had pale skin that was literally glowing in the sunlight

he also had a slight dimple poking out on one side of his cheek when he smiled, nice lips, a high nose, and the way his beautiful eyes were determined yet mesmerising when shooting the ball in the hoop

you gawked at his handsomeness for a good minute same with seonho lmao this kid

before seonho nudged you, “see he’s good right?”

“yes” you reply immediately almost breathless as your breath was literally taken away by his beauty 

but you thought of your previous good looking crushes and tried to come back to reality even though you could feel your heart racing 

“nah but he probably has a crap personality, since all of the good looking guys do” you say 

“no no he’s super down to earth, let me introduce you to him!” says seonho and before you get to reply

seonho is dragging you to the courts 

“HEY GUANLIN” yells seonho 

guanlin stops playing basketball and looks over at you guys while waving to seonho 

you awkwardly look away feeling shy as he approached closer 

“guanlin, this is y/n who i told you about and y/n this is guanlin the super star,” says seonho 

“seriously seonho don’t call me that!” says guanlin as seonho laughed

you were once again mesmerised because guanlin’s voice was so nice, it was like  mixture of deep but also sweet???

“what did you say about me seonho?” you mutter

“seonho said you were happy to tutor me korean if thats ok?” replies guanlin 

“uh wait what” you say confused

“oh no it’s ok if you don’t want to i understand,” says guanlin quickly 

“but you’d be happy to right?” chimes seonho mischievously 

“seonho didn’t tell you that?” asks guanlin as he had paused to catch on with what seonho was saying 

you shake your head

“seonho is such an idiot” says guanlin smiling widely revealing a gummy smile

which you literally found to be the cutest smile ever 

“yep he’s the biggest idiot ever” you reply

“what did you say???” asks seonho confused looking between you two

you and guanlin laugh making eye contact 

and you feel all warm and fuzzy inside kjahkdquhfqllqqhk

“don’t you worry” you reply chuckling at seonho

“well looks like you two can have your alone time since you don’t need me anymore” pouts seonho as you and guanlin start blushing heheheh 

seonho steals the basketball guanlin is holding and runs off to the courts

and you feel your heart racing again because you’re now alone with guanlin even though seonho is really only 5 metres away lmao 

you guys both feel the awkwardness but for some reason feel warm inside

and like guanlin is really tall so he’s sort of towering over you but it feels protective???

anyways you decide to muster up your courage and say, “well i can tutor you in korean, when should we start?” you ask 

“really?? thank you so much y/n, i’m sorry this was unexpected and that seonho didn’t tell you” says guanlin

“that’s okay i’m happy to help you out!” you reply, blushing as you thought of tutoring such a handsome boy with such a great personality you were lowkey proud of yourself 

“thanks again y/n,” says guanlin, smiling softly down at you, once again revealing his gummy smile, “i have my books here, can we start now?”

“sure” you nod happily in response

this school year was going to be different, a very nice different..

lmao little did you know that seonho had shown guanlin your picture and guanlin insisted seonho to get you to tutor him heheh

hope you guys enjoyed this, I LOVE WANNA ONE SOBS I HOPE YOU ALL GET TO MEET THEM LIKE I DID 

[keiths-stupid-mullet]

What would "Sleep soulmate" be about? (I'm a sucker for soulmate fics haha

I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED OMG it won’t be what you expect it to be probably :’D

it’s a modern soulmates/high school/basketball AU

(I wrote this before their birthdays got confirmed btw so they are totally wrong lmao)

the fic is named after the soulmate AU I chose - as soon as your youngest partner turns 16 you meet them in a dream. it’s like this so that you can get to know your soulmate before you actually meet them and it doesn’t get awkward :P

when you meet them in the dream you don’t know who it is. you are talking to a formless figure with a neutral voice

there is certain information you can’t talk about. depending on where your soulmate lives you can’t introduce yourself with your name/age/gender/phone number etc

it’s really just there to get to know each other, not to find each other

you don’t automatically see them once you’ve met them. you have to meet and consider them as a potential soulmate first before the dream veil gets lifted~

so, Lance is older than Keith in this one and once Keith has his birthday (during the summer holidays) they finally meet each other in their dreams

Keith moves to Lance’s school

they don’t get along at first........... like, at all lmao

Keith really wants to play basketball and tries to open a club

Lance meets him on a 3v3 game outside of school/club time, gets destroyed and decides that he can’t have that :P So he joins Keith’s unofficial club

(it’s really just a meeting after school on a public place)

(the rest of team Voltron obviously joins the club :P)

there is a street tournament a few months later and they aim to participate and win that

they get along spectacularly in their dreams, but only there. they even complain about each other, not knowing who the other one is lmao

some stuff happens, they get better at basketball and their teamwork on their English lit assignment, they consider each other as their teammates and BAM happy end :D

Here a short excerpt:

“Uh… hi,” Keith offered. The shadow whirled around and he could have sworn that a pair of eyes fixed themselves on him. He gulped and shuffled his feet a little. This was it.

“Who are you?” The guy asked.

Keith stared.

“Man, I know that my dreams are weird sometimes, but this is a whole new level of weird. Just now I could have sworn I was in space or something… there was weird green goo, I don't know…”

And stared.

“…this is getting creepy. You are not moving. Is this going to turn into a nightmare? Are you going to murder me now? Should I try to run?”

Keith snapped himself out of his confusion and shook his head. Right. His soulmate might have waited ages for him to appear, of course he would be a little confused. “I’m not planning to hurt you. I mean, I’m your soulmate.” 

Keith quieted as a new thought came to his head. What if he was the one having a weird dream? Maybe that shadow over there would be trying to murder him in the next few seconds-

“You- you?! Oh! Oh my god, you’re my soulmate? Seriously?!”

The guy suddenly sounded extremely excited and Keith could feel his bad thoughts falling away as he nodded a little sheepishly. “Yeah. I am. I guess? I mean, it’s my birthday, so…”

Laughter filled the cold, empty space between them and suddenly his surroundings didn’t seem to be as uninviting as before. “Right! I can’t believe I almost forgot that, happy birthday! Did you get any awesome presents?”

tell me which of my fic WIPs you want to know more about | the titles

[charmingstrangeness]

If you still take questions for the writing ask (sorry I didn't notice it sooner!), then 2, 4, 5, 8, 11, 14! Bonus: 20, where Karamatsu and Katsura have a moment where they connect through pure painfulness and become best friends.

omg i completely forgot i reblogged that lmaoooo thanks for sending some!!!

fic writing questions

2. Favorite piece overall?

it’s a hard tie between oversight and the fisherman and his brothers, i’d say? from stuff i’ve published, at any rate. they were both a lot of fun to plan out and write and they both turned out really well. oversight could be a little better quality-wise but it makes up for that in heart.

4. Which has the most “you” in it, however you’d define that?

this is lowkey a cop-out i know i’m sorry but the answer is 110% an unfinished WIP i’ve been chipping away at for like a year and a half (not 2 get too into spoiler territory here but it’s a character study featuring karamatsu and music so i mean.)

5. What is an image/set of images that you’re particularly proud of?

every instance of painfully tacky fashion choices in any fic i’ve written (looking at you, oversight & distraction) also there’s a moment towards the end of the fisherman and his brothers where karamatsu is waiting for the fish to show up and he nonchalantly watches the wind just rip a tree out of the ground in the distance. that image just makes me laugh every time i think about it i love it so much

8. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment?

djfghlsjdhfg picking favourites uhhHHHHHH h e ck i’ll cheat and do a favourite for each i guess???

plot point - all the notebook shit in WtMC and like basically every scene it appears in i’m still so proud of that entire clusterfuck

chapter - rei’s POV chapter in day in the life. it’s getting close to two years since i wrote that fic and god knows it’s not my best writing but rei’s chapter was so much fun and it’s just sweet and hilarious and maybe in a few more years when my writing has further improved i’ll re-write it as a reigisa oneshot or something just because it honestly deserves to be written well.

moment - this isn’t specific enough for me to have a top fave so i’ll take this time to highlight the part in pacifists are the best mediators where sakamoto hoists takasugi over his shoulder and calls him an angry sack of potatoes; that’s a solidly good moment i’m definitely a big fan of it lmao

11. If I’m showing off just one of your pieces to someone, which one should it be?

the fisherman and his brothers is flat-out the single best thing i’ve ever written in terms of both concept and execution and i accepted a long time ago that nothing will ever top it. it also has a lot of edge on basically everything else i’ve written because it got some top-tier beta reader attention <3

in close second would be WtMC for basically the same reasons lol

14. Would you want to write canon for any of your fandoms (like be hired by showrunner to do an episode)? Which one?

do i even need to answer this i think everyone here knows the answer is osomatsu-san (although it’d be fun to write canon for gintama too but i think i’d do a better job for oso). my fic ideas list for oso is miles and miles long and almost every single idea on it would make a fantastic episode also lbh the fisherman and his brothers deserves to be animated & made canon i’m just saying

20. write me a little ficlet-whatsit using a character/image/line I shall now specify:

i dont want to skip this but i’m going to just because i’m a bit too writer’s block on, ironically enough, a zura & kara scene in the crossover fic (among a couple other scenes dkfjgkfd i have like every scene of this chapter started but not completed i’m in h e l l )

some food for thought so that i dont totally fail this question - an animated sequence of karamatsu and katsura arriving in the same room and both of their theme songs play simultaneously in a perfect mashup. also to consider: that episode where they all turn into zombies with unibrows (for context it was a tribute episode for kochikame’s 30th anniversary) and zura keeps trying to get everyone to call the zombies “mayuzomu” – in a crossover situation, karamatsu would be the first to use that nickname and katsura would be so smug that someone else was on board with it. however, instead of the nickname eventually catching on through sheer persistence, absolutely no one would use it just out of spite.