#i SPONTANEOUSLY REMEMBERED i run a blog where i sometimes post art

[starconfetti]

“So... what does your ADHD feel like?”

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[foenvs3000]

Final Blog Post

Despite what one's relationship with nature may be, we all have a responsibility to educate ourselves and others given the current state of the environment today. Over the years I have developed stronger and deeper beliefs that I bring to my own nature interpreter practice. I believe the best way to educate others is to lead by example. My girlfriend being a vegan artist and focusing a majority of her work on animal and environmental issues, I have learned so much from her. She never tries to enforce her beliefs on me and slowly over the years, I have started following in her footsteps. I may not be vegan but I have made an active effort to be more mindful of the food I am eating and the waste I am producing. I feel that this type of influence is very powerful and is the type of influence I would like to have on others. Let people be inspired by you, answer questions when people have them in a kind way, and I am more than confident that there will be positive results. In her art, she uses shocking visuals to invoke emotion whether it's a painting of animals being poached or sea life tangled in garbage. In Chapter 5 of the textbook, it is discussed how tangible evidence like this can be very effective in pushing intangible meanings (Beck, Cable, & Knudson, 2019). As a nature interpreter and photographer, I want to incorporate this philosophy into my own work and use it as an effective tool in influencing those around me. Seeing these terrible things happening to the environment and its inhabitants is much more effective at invoking change in us than simply hearing about it in the media. I remember when the Australia forest fires were happening and I first heard about it, I did not really think too much of it at first. Then I started seeing actual tangible evidence of the disaster and it was shocking to say the least. I think understanding and knowing how to use this skill makes a more effective nature interpreter.

Painting by my girlfriend, Maria Melito 

Another belief I have is that one of the best ways to connect with nature and appreciate it is to participate in it. Going for walks, hikes, and spending time in nature in other ways can motivate us to care for the environment in whatever ways we can in order to protect it. Sometimes I feel lazy and would rather put off going for a run or hike outside, but when I actually push myself to do it, I have no regrets. The same goes with studying or having a meal outside. My most memorable moments have been going for spontaneous hikes in unknown trails. It gives me a thrilling sense of adventure and . Making an active effort to be outside with nature can really help others start to appreciate the environment around us even more.

I think its also important as a nature interpreter to identify your audience and what kind of learning might work best for them. I am personally a visual/kinaesthetic learner but that is not the case for everyone. For our podcast 1 assignment, It was very important to understand that our audience is children and that spewing facts non stop would not be interesting for the demographic. Instead, we had to change the way we presented our information. We added in music, sound effects, dumbed down our sentences a bit to make it easier to understand, and used lots of relatable examples. To be more specific on that last bit, in one instance where we were discussing pesticides making honey bees unable to work, we used an example of humans being too sick to work. Real world connections like that make it easier for a younger audience to grasp what is being said easier. This all can be challenging but an effective nature interpreter needs to identify who their audience is and change how they present information to ensure that it is most effectively absorbed.

As I said, I believe that each of us has a responsibility to seek out resources and educate ourselves on nature. Although most of us could say we understand that morally we should be doing more to protect nature, the majority of people continue to take part in activities that damage it with the foods we eat, our waste, etc. With finding resources that resonate with us whether it be a documentary, art, or educational programs, we become inspired and that's what creates the drive to change.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Riding carriages around the camp

For arts and crafts week we've been building carriages and testing them out. Edie, Jamila, Easton, and Anissa have come to visit the camp and help us build these fun rides. So not only we get to build a bunch of cool stuff, we also have a new appreciation for the beautiful scenery - an unexpected but super sweet bonus!

It's so good to see Edie and the others again after so long. The trip is kinda a big deal for Anissa as it's not easy for her to travel. Edie and Jamila reached out to me a few months ago to plan this outing, leaving things as open as possible in case something happens with Anissa.

The building carriages event was something separate that was kinda a spontaneous thing that happened to line up perfectly with the visit. Jamila and Edie love working on big projects together while Easton and Anissa help out so they were excited when I told them about arts and crafts week. Also, riding the carriages was a good way to get around the camp as well as explore outside the usual hangout spots.

I was (still am) surprised when Jamila messaged me and wanted to take Anissa out here. Out of all the places she could have gone, Anissa instead chose the camp. She had once told Jamila that she'd wanted to visit the camp someday and that they probably would've done it by now if it wasn't for her. That conversation stuck with Jamila for a long time and when things took a turn for Anissa, Jamila, Edie, and Easton wanted to make the most out of the time they have left with her.

Edie has been friends with Anissa and Jamila since they for as long as they can remember. During the summer the twins would join the Sperry family on their yearly trip to Edie's grandma's farm, which holds many of their favorite childhood memories. During the school year Edie was a frequent guest at the Amine household and the three would play together for hours, letting their imagination run wild. There, Edie was allowed to be carefree and not have to deal with constant criticism from her father.

As Edie got older, she became part of the Amine family. She and Anissa were often in the same class so they stuck together a lot. Jamila didn't mind being the third wheel as she was happy to be doing her own thing at home while the other two often went out and about. Even though it didn't look like it to the grown ups, Jamila never felt like she was left behind.

Then Easton came along and he too became an honorary member of the Amine family. The girls were ten when he was born, the youngest and only son in the Sperry family. Easton was born missing half his left leg so he wears a prosthetic and other than his father, everyone else treats him like normal. Out of all the siblings, he's the closest to Edie, always tagging along with her.

For a while every day was pretty much the same. Edie, Anissa, and Jamila would walk home from school, sometimes stopping by the Sperry house to bring Easton along if Edie's mom had her hands full. The three would do their homework while the twins's mom watched over Easton. Then Edie and Anissa would usually be playing on the tire swing while Jamila knitted on the porch and played with Easton. Sometimes Edie would bring her banjo along and played some songs while the twins sang along, a highlight during summer nights at the farm.

Their favorite thing to do together was playing pretend in the attic because everyone had something to do, even Easton. The girls would often pretend to be accomplished women with successful lives full of adventure. Anissa was the one with the most creative imagination, often making up funny stories that would leave the others rolling on the floor with laughter. She was great at improvising with Easton, who was happy to join in on the fun.

When the girls were twelve, Anissa's life changed forever. The girls were playing pretend as usual when Anissa complained about a headache that quickly grew worse. She was rushed to the hospital and in Jamila's words, that was the last time she and Edie saw the old Anissa. A blood vessel had burst in Anissa's brain, resulting in a stroke that left Anissa comatose for several days.

While the damage from the stroke was not as extensive as initially feared, Anissa was no longer the same. Edie and Jamila were determined to bring back the old Anissa, only to be disappointed when they got their hopes up too high. Anissa was still set on marching to the beat of her own drum, trying to prove her independence whenever she could, which further convinced Jamila and Edie that she was going to make a full recovery. It took a long time for the girls to accept that things would never go back to normal.

The whole ordeal made Edie and Jamila closer than ever. Edie would help the family care for Anissa and in turn lift Anissa's spirits up. When Anissa got stronger, Edie would bring Easton along and he too provided some much needed sunshine during a difficult time.  Edie's mom and sisters helped out a lot as well, making sure that the Amines were doing all right.

Edie, Jamila, and Anissa have always been a tight knit group. Although Anissa was made strides in her recovery, the effects of the stroke still linger. Jamila and Edie became Anissa's caretakers when the three moved in together, living about twenty minutes away from their old neighborhood. Both families agreed that it was good to give Anissa some degree of independence as by then she could take care of herself for most part and didn't need constant supervision.

In recent years, various complications arose, which was expected but that didn't make it any easier. Anissa was well known at the hospital as she was a miracle. She beat the odds not only by surviving but also by living. What happened to her was rare - her doctor told that in the hospital's two hundred year history, only three other kids suffered from the same condition. One died on the way to the hospital, another slipped into a coma and never woke up, and one lived for two years before suffering from another stroke. No matter what happens, at least one thing's certain - Anissa always marches to the beat of her own drum.

Anissa for the most part managed to live a somewhat independent life. She got her GED, was able to relearn various skills like playing the piano, reading, and cooking, - all which she documented on her blog: Searching for Anissa.

When I started making plans with Jamila and Edie, I later found myself re-reading Searching for Anissa. Reading the stories of the girls, from the recollections of simpler days in the farm to the struggles of everyday life - it's such a fascinating read. The blog's more like a memoir that's a work in progress with Anissa writing her thoughts out and Jamila and Edie contributing by filling in some of the gaps and sharing their own memories.

The blog hasn't been updating regularly for a couple years because life's been getting in the way. But this year Anissa's hoping to post something at least once a week as she wants to keep writing while she still can. In the past year she's had two mini strokes so her hands don't work as well anymore, making it difficult for her to do a lot of things. While she's sad that she can't type anymore, Anissa found it therapeutic to say her thoughts out loud as it helped her accept what lies ahead for her. In turn, her blog posts have been a lot more free flowing as she contemplates her uncertain future.

For now everyone's doing their best to make sure Anissa's comfortable. She's been doing well physically so that's good. Good thing we have carriages so Anissa can explore the camp and enjoy the scenery. Also, Jamila, Edie, and Easton had a lot of fun building the carriage as well as taking it out for a spin at Breezy Hollow.

At times it seemed like the camp was being taken over by carriages. We even managed to make a train by attaching a bunch of carriages together, which was a really fun way to travel! First, we visited the meadow where Jamila knitted a blanket and Edie took out her banjo. Since the weather was a bit chilly I wasn't sure how long we were gonna stay there but thanks to Jamila's blanket, we ended up hanging around for a while.

Then we went down the trail by the mountains, which went surprisingly smoothly as the carriages went by with little difficulty. At the forest we split up into two groups with Daisy Jane, Edie, and Easton going for a short hike in the mountains while I stayed with the twins. Anissa admired the scenery, taking in the sights, sounds, and textures around her while Jamila began knitting another blanket, creating intricate patterns with ease.

Something about the way Jamila knits makes me want to grab some yarn and needles and join her - which is why Edie and Easton have picked up the hobby too. I think it's because she makes it look so inviting, like a fun bonding activity if you want to spend some quality one on one time with someone. The way she knits - on one hand it's like she's a machine because of how much she's able to do in a short time, but on the other hand she totally gives off the vibe of someone who shows appreciation through thoughtful, handmade gifts that she puts her heart and soul into.

After that we passed through Shovelstrike Quarry, OK Motors, and Lost Lure Creek. At Saltwater Shores we hung out at the beach and set up a barbecue. It was too cold to go swimming but we sorta went boating with a carriage built by Whitney and Rolf that can travel on water. The barbecue was a good way to keep warm as it got pretty cold around midday.

Daisy Jane and I cuddled up in our new blankets that Jamila surprised us with. I swear, her hands are like magic when it comes to knitting! While she started another knitting project, Anissa and Easton took a walk down the beach and Edie played her banjo. Later the others joined us by the fire pit for a fun singalong and impromptu concert.

We were planning to head back to the main camp when Anissa said she was feeling up to seeing more of the camp. Since the day was still young and the weather was warming up a bit, we decided to head to Sunburst Island. Anissa got to sit back and enjoy the sunshine while the rest of us harvested coconuts and went bug catching.

Around evening we headed back to the camp, where the campers set up a bonfire to warm things up. Whitney, Goldie, and Rolf went foraging in the forest while testing out their carriages so they found a lot of tea leaves that were perfect for a chilly night like this. After a busy day of riding carriages around the camp, it was nice to cozy up in front of the fire with a warm cup of tea.

Tomorrow will be more of the same - testing out more carriages and exploring different parts of the camp. Thankfully the weather's gonna be much warmer so that gives us even more of an excuse to go sightseeing!

[wicked-storybrooke]

Is Alice Jones Autistic?

I’m not entirely sure where the autistic!alice headcanon originated. It might have been from an Autistic Headcanons blog or it might just be from the observations of individuals.

I can’t speak for everyone because my main reason for believing she’s autistic is that I’m autistic and I relate to a lot of her traits. Now, some of those traits could be explained by her being forced to grow up in isolation or even by a mental illness (I do see her as having co-morbid mental illness(es)) and some of these traits are headcanons themselves, so it really just depends on how you see her.

I’ll list some of the things that lead me to believe she’s autistic and not all of these apply to every autistic person:

Has a possible special interest in painting/drawing, chess and maybe even parkour. Take for example in 7x13 when she needs to play chess to help her relax. She likely wanted to play chess a lot more than Rogers could keep up with and I bet she talks about it and art a lot.

She can talk in a very abstract way. It’s a way that makes sense to her but not necessarily to anyone else and I don’t just mean when she’s talking about the curse. It’s the way she talks about the curse: “See something? I see everything. Now I’m ten feet tall!” “There’s still time before the pills make me small again.” (I know it’s an Alice in Wonderland reference but say, in her cursed memories someone read the book to her, this could be echolalia). And I’d be willing to wager she makes up her own words.

She thinks outside the box. Like myself, she seems to have trouble thinking inside the box and doesn’t so easily conform to societal norms: “What’s the point of a solvable one (puzzle)” and she made a heart-shaped beignets that was literally heart-shaped. She also seems to have difficulty telling that some things are wrong (not that all autistics do this, but it can be an issue): “Weaver said it was for the best, and I can’t always figure that out for myself.”

Her father brings her things that could be seen as sensory aids (I know this was to help her experience the outside world but it’s an additional way of looking at it.)

Doesn’t have a great sense of danger. I know she’s got some mad skills, but still she doesn’t hesitate to jump out of the window of a goodness how many stories-high building. She’ll happily fight a jabberwocky, befriend a troll (that, at the time, she didn’t know was of her own creation) and defend said troll in front of angry dudes with weapons and she rolled out of a freaking moving car. She also walked across the road without looking in 7x14 (#relatable). That incident could have even been chalked down to her not being a good judge of distance or to her being over-stimulated by the traffic. When you get overstimulated your whole sense of exactly where everything is around you just goes out the window. It’s probably not the only time that’s happened. God knows how much trouble she got herself into in Wonderland and the other places.

Has a connection to creatures and and an attachment to objects like Mr. Rabbit and she even slept next to the viles of sand her father got her. It’s understandable that she would be attached to the inanimate objects that were her only company for years, whether she’s autistic or not. She seems to relate more to creatures, such as the troll and maybe even some creatures in wonderland (goodness knows if she was out-running the bandersnatch for fun or what).

Doesn’t like to sit still for long. Sometimes seen stimming with things in her hands.

Seems to be fairly selective with what she eats. Eating the same thing everyday is not an uncommon autistic trait (I literally have beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner) and it seems that marmalade sandwhiches are the thing for Tilly. It could be a sensory issue. She seems to have a preference for sweet food as salty food might be too strong for her or it could just be because we love routine. It brings a sense of much needed security in an otherwise over-stimulating world.

Likes routine. I’m sure her father liked to make sure they had a routine in the tower but as Tilly she seems to have her routine of going to the troll, playing chess with Rogers, talking to Weaver and eating marmalade sandwhiches. She doesn’t seem to be completely averse to spontaneity however, since she was willing to go to Wonderland and other places but then and again, she was desperate to find a cure.

Is more vulnerable to manipulation. Listen, I love Alice & Rumple’s frienship as much as the next guy but you can’t deny that he was manipulating her at first in 7x18. It seems she doesn’t have a brilliant sense for figuring out the intentions of others. The same goes for when Weaver tricked her into eating the pill-sandwhich.

Has what can be seen as autistic meltdowns. This is a difficult one to assess because her sometimes erratic behaviour is likely due to a mental illness but there are many co-morbid conditions that can come with autism. But if we are to look at her outbursts as meltdowns, then we can see that they are triggered by things not goin the way Alice expected. If an autistic person has pre-planned their day then any disruption to that can cause a meltdown or shutdown i.e. Rogers saying no to the game of chess, Rogers and Weaver not listening to her pleas for them not to talk to Eloise coming as a shock, Weaver giving her her meds and not remembering his life in the EF and the incident at the hospital. Nothing was going as Tilly expected and there was no way for her to fix it. She tried to calm herself down by pacing or swaying slightly from side-to-side. It could have all been further exacerbated by the bright lights and in some cases loud noises of the traffic/the hospital lights/the light in her shipping container. Her outbursts were completely out of her control. I’m sure she would have never pointed a scalple at Rogers and Weaver if she weren’t in that state. The fact that she didn’t remember how she got to the hospital could be because of her meltdown, often after or during one you don’t know what’s going on, what you’re doing or why your doing it. This could also explain why she loses time like she explains in 7x14. This could also be partly down to the fact that she might have poor short-term memory which is common in autistic people.

Could the fact that the curse couldn’t completely erase her memories be due to her having a very strong, photographic long-term memory? Just a theory!

Seems to prefer to socialise in small groups (this could be due to circumstance).

Is seen as ‘weird’, ‘eccentric’ or ‘odd’ by others who don’t understand her way of engaging with the world.

Sometimes repeats phrases “Something’s bad, something’s broken, something’s wrong.”

Has difficulty with conflicts, arguments and being yelled at.

Sees the world in a special way according to her father so it’s likely she’s not like other people he’s been around.

Is okay being around other people but may 'play’ on her own e.g. when she was in Rogers’ car with the mushrooms. She was content to be around him while doing her own thing.

In some situations she may be masking e.g. at first with Margot, so that she could pass for allistic.

Can sometimes get her words confused: “You know me better than anyone. I can't have done it, could I? Or I could've done it, can't I?”

Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset, hense part of the reason she ends up having an meltdown.  

I personally think she’s undersensitive to movement and touch so she might have issues with personal space and it could be why she isn’t often still and moves around alot.

May have issues with executive funtion e.g. time management, orgazisational skills, inhibitions, working memory and problem solving which she may have been helped with by Rogers once she moved in. It makes your mind a freaking jumble so I wouldn’t be suprised if she has issues with this.

Seems to have some trouble in social situations. This could be due to all those years in isolation but there are definitely times where she will just speak her mind or do things that might be seen as socially inappropriate e.g. the situation with the troll, her just popping up in Victoria’s car and scaring the shiitake musrooms out of her. She sometimes seems a bit confused by what other people are saying e.g. the whole “Targot” thing and others seem confused by her.

I could honestly go on about this for days. Like, there’s so much more I could talk about. I might make another post expanding on this, but this is just my perspective! As I say, a lot of this could be down to her years alone in the tower or a mental illness but this is just one way of looking at her traits!

[thecockandcarrot]

Convenient Universal Timing

I was hangry at myself this morning for not being an early rising productive human. Like anyone who hasn't finished putting together their upcoming art exhibit would be. Don't get me wrong I woke up at a decent time and made a delicious smoothie. Or sometimes, I tell myself it's delicious because I'm too broke to dump out all the organic ingredients I use.

So after rummaging through the fridge, for the third time, I decided I would make a run to the local upscale grocery store (Contradicting?…Slightly). You know! Because deep down inside after years of programming from stupid, hopeless romantic movies. I longed to casually bump into my soulmate while out and about, seamlessly starting a conversation that leads to a coffee date and, ultimately, marriage. Within a one and half hour time frame of course. Self-centered and shallow? Most definitely.

Side note: I wonder if there's any correlation between sexual orientation and pre-pubescent/young adolescent males growing up watching romantic movies. In which the main character falls in love with a man. Anyone? 

Anyways, let's get back to the main biscuit and gravy of this post. 

LAW OF ATTRACTION. Did you see that coming? Me neither this morning! When I was dumbstruck by an experience I had at the grocery store that I had some time to reflect on while munching down on my bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. 

Sir Kensington's "Special Sauce," not all that great by the way, if you happen to find yourself in sauce aisle at Wegmans. 

I really hope they aren't studying the shopping habits of people in grocery stores. Because if they did, they would probably wonder why the heck I shop like I am visiting from another country. I swear I have no actual route I follow. It's as if I am subconsciously throwing together recipes in my head as I am wandering around. Taking things off the shelf, then trekking back to the other side of the store to put things back. A MESS. Well, not really, at least I have the decency to put my items back where grabbed them from. 

This morning though, I was in the aisle where I picked up the bottle of Sir Kensington's Special Sauce when I overhead a couple looking for the store brand organic ketchup. The woman hastily said, "I don't get it, it's not where the ketchup and mustard is, and it's not with the other sauces!" The husband seemed uninterested and a bit exhausted of this marathon ketchup babbling. So I lingered a bit looking over in her direction. Part of me was trying to see if I could locate it for her, and the other part of me wanted to point out the limited ingredients brand I use. I couldn't remember if it was organic or not, and the label was obscured from where I was standing. Still, deep down inside, I really wanted to recommend it to her.

So I slipped into my fantasy world, as I usually do, to summarize different scenarios with different outcomes based on my intuition. I concluded that because I wasn't one hundred percent sure if the ketchup was organic or not, I wasn't going to interject. I had this gut feeling the woman would respond by contorting her face in disgust. And in a condescending tone utter "That's not organic!" out of her paper-thin lips. 

To which I would respond, "Ok, Karen! I get it, sorry for opening my mouth. Do you want me to get the manager?" Then roll my eyes and walk away. She definitely had “can I speak to the manager” vibes fuming out of her. 

So I strolled away and continued zig-zagging through the store. I really needed almond milk creamer, so of course, I made my way through the coffee aisle to pick up a bag of ground beans. I also needed to grab one of my co-worker's favorite powdered creamer for our mini under desk coffee station. Which, as it turned out, they didn't carry. 

It happened again! I became acutely aware of a nearby conversation. I overheard a woman and her boyfriend debating or not if they should purchase a bottle of KITU coffee with MCG oil, which stands for medium-chain triglycerides. I really wanted to jump in and say, "YES! Buy it!" And dive into facts about the use of MCG's and how beneficial it has been for me. Just as I began my 10,000 reels of possible outcomes, they walked away. 

So I asked myself, "Why did you get so excited to help in those last to instances?" 

"Why did you feel the need to interject your existence into the lives of four complete strangers?"

"What are you needing?" 

"Human connection!" I instinctively yelled out in my mind. As my eyes simultaneously enlarged and I half smiled at the level of self-awareness I had at that very moment. 

*You develop a sense of gratitude for therapy when you are witness to the evolution of your own internal dialogue and emotional maturity.*

That moment lasted all but two seconds, and I proceeded to finish my own personal marathon in the grocery store. I was making my way down the frozen aisle reasonably quickly because I didn't want to make any more stops and I need to get home to get some painting in. As I neared the end of the frozen section, I heard a small, frail voice mumble something from my eight o'clock. I halted. Looked back and saw a petite woman in her late sixties or seventies with her forearms almost pressed against her chest and hands curved inwardly. I walked up to her and asked if she needed assistance with anything? She very sheepishly said something, but I managed to hear her say broccoli and cheese. So I looked up and grabbed her the frozen box of broccoli and cheese. 

I also grabbed a couple boxes of frozen corn at her request. Her cart was nowhere in sight, so I helped her arrange the boxes in her arms so that they would not fall out on to the floor. She was attempting to explain that her arthritis made it very difficult for her to grab anything. I reassured her there was no need to explain anything I was happy to be of service to her. I did offer to walk the items back to her cart, but she assured me she could manage and that her husband was around the corner. There was an air of concern imprinted in my head, but I trusted her confidence. 

As I rolled my cart away, I went into self-reflection mode. To the onlooker, I may appear to be staring directly at them or look utterly oblivious to my surroundings. Nothing exists around me when I am in this mental space as I try to connect the dots of an entire experience I am attempting to draw meaning from. So there I was, walking through my own parallel mental dimension, and I came to a simple conclusion.

In both instances, before helping the women grab items, the need I wanted to fulfill was more than human connection. I believe I had a spontaneous need to be of service to someone. One could argue that maybe my subconscious foresaw that moment and was drawn by this unexpected call for help, which was initially masked by hungry stricken grocery run.  

That possibly, I had an emotional response but constrained myself in the two situations that led up to the moment; that actually required me to take action.

Like a mini-mission from the universe. Testing my ability to really listen and become a silent witness to the data mine streaming all around me. What we call reality or human experience. 

Is recognizing this moment a result of me turning off all music and T.V.? Which is a challenge I imposed on myself for my upcoming art exhibit. Contrary to the name "Under the Influence," this is very much the space this exhibit explores. Being under the influence of silence. Silence from all external visual and auditory stimulations that we are accustomed to overdosing ourselves with daily. Had I jumped in the shower, blasted music, ran out of the house to run errands skipping breakfast altogether like I usually do. Would I have responded to this call for help? Maybe, it wasn't even a call for help I responded to, but just an ordinary grocery with convenient universal timing. 

Is human connection the gift of silence? Or a link to a more insightful version of myself? Does muting mainstream stimulation strengthen a sixth sense we are naturally born with? 

I am intrigued, to say the least, and I am looking forward to painting this evening. What I am most appreciative of is that this interaction with a complete stranger motivated me to dive into self-reflection and write about my experience. I have been trying to gather the strength and energy to sit down and write a blog post like I used to do regularly but always found an excuse not to.

So, to the universe and the women who asked me to help her this morning. Thank you.

[saferincages]

rules: answer the soft Q&A’s and tag 5 of your most recent followers and 3 of your biggest fans, fave blog/users. I was tagged by the lovely @witchshour! thank you!!! ♥

what’s the smell of your shampoo?: I rotate my shampoos because I find it helps with the fragility of my hair, so I have a couple of different ones, but they’re vanilla, coconut, and honey respectively!

what’s your aesthetic?: (this tag, even more specifically this post! 💕) dusty pinks, delicate lace, flowing sleeves, fairy lights, wishing wells, masquerade masks, flower crowns, the twinkle of starlight, delicate notes from a piano, the chimes of a music box, anything that glitters or sparkles, painted watercolor florals, art of ladies holding roses, cute seasonal decor, the flutter of wings, hodgepodge collectibles that bring happy memories, soft blankets on a cold day, gentle kindness, sunbeams cutting through cloud-rack, the rustle of autumn leaves, the warm comfort of my dog at my side.

what is your favourite time of the day?: the time just before dawn (morning twilight? the wee small hours of the morning) when it is very still and peaceful, and the stars are still out but the sun is just about to greet them.

what do you like the most about the beach?: I haven’t been to the beach in over 20 years, so I barely remember it, but from afar, of course I have to say the ocean and its waves.

what do you worry about constantly?: Angel’s health, money (the fact that we don’t have any to speak of or enough coming in to keep making ends meet, and the fact that what we do have is rapidly running out), my mom’s health, my health, surviving one week to the next...

what is a song you’ve cried to before?: a shorter question for me would be, “what song haven’t you cried to before?” because crying to music on a regular basis is my most consistent hobby/only talent. (not even always because it makes me sad per se, or brings up tearful emotions, though of course music does do that for me on occasion, but often it happens because I’m so moved by/passionate about music that sometimes it becomes overwhelming and tends to make me spontaneously cry)! nothing on earth speaks to my soul as profoundly or in quite the same way as music does.

what are some relaxing tips for your followers?: stop finding a reason to hate literally every piece of media you watch/read, despite what tumblr says you should do, and just let yourself enjoy something purely and simply <- this is such good and necessary advice that I’m keeping it! remember that you are allowed to love and enjoy things wholeheartedly! also, please take time for yourselves when it’s quiet and you can set everything aside and do something that relaxes you (whatever that may be; listening to soft music, reading, taking a warm bath, communing with nature, anything that eases your body/mind). being gentle towards yourself is as important as being gentle to others, you need those moments of rest and care.

what are some things that make you tear up?: like the question about the songs, again, what doesn’t? stories, music, characters I love, the transcendent power of theatre/fiction/art, precious animals, but also pieces on the news (good and bad ones, and unfortunately a lot of tears have been shed over the latter), thinking about things I’ve lost and desperately long for and that I can never have, yearning in my heart for creative passion, expressions of romance and Romanticism, sweet cards and messages from friends...I’m such a weeper and always have been.

what is your favourite from each of the five senses?: sight: the brightness of a rainbow after a rainstorm, decorative lights twinkling everywhere in December | smell: vanilla, cinnamon, anything warm and good baking | touch: Angel’s oh-so-soft and fluffy coat | taste: sweet-yet-tart cherry, deep dark chocolate, freshly brewed favorite teas | sound: beautiful melodies, the sound of Angel’s paws padding on the tile

what is one alternate reality you’d want to be in?: if we’re talking hazy, half-dreamed realities, then I want to live in the one where I have a pretty, cozy little tea and bookshop (where we also sell baked goods and adorable pet accessories, and people can bring their furbabies in with them), decorated with plush, comfortable chairs and floral lace curtains, with dreamy music playing over the speaker system. alternatively, I used to really want to be an Elf in Rivendell, but now I think I’d probably be more suited to live in a Hobbit Hole in the Shire, which has a similar energy to the aforementioned imaginary shop, really.

what are some troubles you face on a day to day basis?: the unpleasant and difficult realities of my chronic illnesses and chronic pain, which lead to the fact that I can’t do anything on a normal, reliable schedule; exhaustion; anxiety/depression; the constant crush of grief at all that unlived unrealized existence lost to illness mixed with horror at our dwindling finances and how much we’re having to struggle to make it from one month to the next; the ever-present specter of death (I wish this was a darkly humorous hyperbole but it’s...not. it has become a consistent companion in its way. I lean on I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory for a reason). honestly, things are really tough and I try not to bring that on here too much (except for when it’s concerned Angel, especially in the last year), but it weighs so heavily.

what is one scene of a book that’s made you really sad?: this is such an obvious, almost trite, answer but I’ll never be over losing Sirius in OOTP. I’d like to be able to put something erudite and literate and unexpected here, but that was a formative fictional loss.

say something to all your followers: you’re wonderful. thank you for being here with me, I am always grateful for it and sending any love that I can out across the miles to you!

tagging (only if you want to do this, of course!) @songofthesstars, @featheredgrace, @christinedaae, @whereforewoof (I know you tagged me in a q&a meme not too long ago and now I cannot seem to find it, I’m sorry! please consider this one an alternate, okay? <333), @desireearmfeldt, @aelfenpath, @aselkiemaiden, @kidmannicole, @theimpossiblescheme​ 💖✨🌼

[janeeet-n]

**Disclaimer: This is a really, really long post.**

You have not only provided me with a wealth of knowledge and opportunities but you’ve equipped me with probably one of the best support group a girl could have ever dreamed of. I could not have asked for a better group of friends here at Davis, so I’ve decided to do something different on this blog. I want to take this time to share with you my friends here in cow-town that have been here for me since day one. (There isn’t a specific order, friends!)

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Lizzy,

My high school sweetheart! Hahaha, we’ve known each other for a while now, and I’m so glad that we got even closer during our time here in cow-town. I’m always so inspired by your resilience and the unending love you have for everyone. You’re so down to earth and easy to talk to. You’re relatable, and you’re not shy to be who you are. I really admire your ability to understand people at all sorts of angles. Every time I come to you with my problems, you always put it in a whole new perspective. I truly am so grateful for you. To have known you since high school is honestly a blessing. We’ve literally been through so much. I remember during summer, you even went with me to get the Nexplanon when I was such a wimp. You are such a true one. You have guided me through a shit ton of mishaps, and I’m so blessed to have someone so anchored in my life. Girl, we got so much ahead of us! Thank you for everything! By the way, thank you for always being the first to reach out to me and dragging me out of the study lounge or lonely library to hang out. I always get so excited to hang out/study with you. (Sorry about your tire. I’m bad juju.)

Myat,

The badass. I remember when I went through such a hard time, you would always AMPLIFY things, and it was always so bizarre that it made me feel better. I remember when we were on the bus together to go to Trader Joe’s (?), and I was pretty sad about my recent breakup. All you said was “I’m going to cut him like filet mignon.” Hahaha, I still laugh so hard just thinking about all of the bizarre, outrageous things that you always say when you’re feeling heated. You never let anyone hurt your friends and that warms my heart. You will always fight for people you care about. If I ever need a partner in crime, I know you would be the go to girl for that. You’re literally badass. On the real though, you’re extremely sweet! I remember when our friend went through some problems, you would literally come to me and ask about what to do when s/he acts a certain way or how to comfort someone. You’re so caring and compassionate. You don’t always understand what someone else is going through, but you actually put yourself out there and find a way to understand people better. You genuinely care, and I’m so glad to have someone who is so badass yet such a softie. Also, you introduced me to the fangirl world and honestly, I’ve learned SO much about your fangirl life- things I did want to know and certainly things I wish I didn’t. (Thank you for guiding me through my ginger-basketball fangirl phase.)

Michelle,

The sweetest, purest little flower in our group. You were the first person to make Davis feel more like home to me. I remember meeting you as my roommate for the first time. You were so chirpy and happy! I was feeling pretty sad but you made the move-in experience a lot lighter, and it always felt like everything would be fine. I remember asking you if you missed home because we come from the same hometown, and you bluntly replied “no.” Hahaha, in my head, I was like, “damn, okay, Miss Independent over here.” You always have the purest intentions, and I really appreciate how hard-working you are and how you manage to “nap” for three plus hours. It’s quite impressive, I must say. I think it’s so cute how I can always find stickers on the messenger app that reminds me of you. You always fill my heart up with so much love and joy. I’ll never forget the time you set out some time of your day to sticky-note my desk, take down pictures, block out names, AND write encouraging notes on little post-its. I truly did not understand true friendship until I came back that Sunday and saw my space filled with nothing but positivity. By the way, I will never forget the times I almost died in your car and our spontaneous Jan and Mish trip to the biggest corn maze in the world! + figuring out how bad you were with your left and right. Hahaha.

Reca,

My model. I don’t know how you do it. I still don’t to this very day understand how you literally do it all. I love how you’re so 100 with everything. You are literally perfect. Reca can literally be that girl that breaks the curve in your math class to being that girl getting so lit at the parties. You are the definition of work hard, play hard. Hahaha. You literally inspire me to overcome my challenges and to never take things for granted. You always think outside of the box, and I really appreciate how real you are with the life you’re given. You bring a different perspective of hard work and passion into life. You somehow don’t ever need to say a lot to get your point across, and I really admire that. You’re such a boss lady! You’re who I would want my daughter to look up to. Seriously. Not only are you great at all that you do but you’re also a real friend. You’re always so, so easy to talk to and so understanding of the circumstances. You don’t let anyone stand in your way, and you have such genuine intentions. I am so glad you slid into my DMs before freshmen year and asked me to be your roommate. It felt like we were online dating, to be honest! (And when we did a Skype call to make sure we are all legit humans. Hahaha) I remember how you totally catfished me when I saw you in real life, and you were literally like 2 inches taller than me instead of 5 inches taller. You’re also freaking queen. You know how to transform- like damn girl. You out here to steal someone’s girl. (& thank you for sharing modern slang with me because I’m a literal grandma.)

Mary,

You’re so down to earth. You’re so funny, even if you don’t intend to be. You have a heart made of gold. I will never forget when the whole “clown scare” thing was going viral, and you told us that if a clown appears, you will run the clown over with your bike. Hahaha. Mary, I hope that you will one day learn that your heart deserves more than what you think you deserve. Never be afraid to be vulnerable at times. I’m always rooting for whatever you choose to do!  It’s always so nice having someone the same size to borrow and trade clothes with! Hahaha. If you ever need anything, I got you. You are such a wholesome person to be around. You are so easy to talk to and you really bring me home. You give off a very cozy vibe, and I really find comfort in being around you. It may sound so weird, but it’s a good thing! Here’s to many more years of us watching scary movies together, gossiping about anything, and trying to understand the quarter system of university. (And listening to each other spill tea about anything we can think of!) To tackling university together a quarter at a time and crying over how we don’t know how to study. (We’ll get there one day!!)

Alice,

I think our first time really ever interacting was probably going to Ike’s together. We made the plan randomly and somehow carried it through successfully! I remember thinking I can’t cancel on Alice, because I want to get to know her better! You’re always so calm unless you copied down the wrong BIS2C notes or dropping your pens everywhere in class. You never back down from anything, and I love that so much about you. You’d literally tackle anyone. (According to Bryan) I remember freshman year, always wondering how you did it all. You are my superwoman. You somehow manage to wake up early to go swimming everyday, whether it’s hailing or sunshine. You run marathons. You know how to play an instrument (maybe even more than one?). You study hard. You work relentlessly. You eat healthy- literally. You stay on top of your shit. You amaze me every day with all that you do. You are hashtag goals. Hahaha. You are so admirable, and I hope to get to know you even better as we spend the next two years together in undergrad plus many more!

Kat,

You’re literally the only person I bother like way too much. I love talking to you. I love being around you, studying with you, and eating with you! You are literally the best study buddy I’ve ever had. I love how I can just ask you everything, and you won’t judge me but instead guide me through the basics. You’re always pushing me to my fullest potential and always reassuring me that I’m meant to be where I am. Hahhaha, sometimes, I really do need that type of encouragement, and you always give it to me. You always believe in me, and I want to make you proud. We have such meaningful conversations, and you openly share your culture with me all the time. You’re literally the best. By the way, lets visit Kouba again! I really miss him. I remember when it was our first Christmas together, and you bought me an elephant plush! That was like after a quarter of knowing you too. We somehow got so close so fast, and I’m so grateful for you. I remember our talks about witch doctors and just really deep talks anywhere and everywhere. I love that I can get real with you and share my stories with you. I’m always here for you, girl! (PS. lets take more classes together.)  By the way, you ARE SO TALENTED. You have such fantastic art and musical skills. Don’t ever hide it from the world because we need more people like you.

Bryan,

You’re sweet. I don’t care how many times you are going to deny it. You’re just utterly, truly the sweetest. You give everyone a second chance even when they truly don’t deserve it. You have a heart made out of gold. You see the best in people, and you’re never judgmental. Since day 1, you’ve always been so easy to talk to. You love to bring people together, and you love to be around people. You’re a people person. You’re humble and kind. You’re also super funny even when you don’t remember the next day. Hahaha, you truly made NorCal feel more like home for me. I really also freaking love how you don’t understand jokes- just like me! Except maybe too delayed. I think it’s so funny how you will literally laugh FIVE minutes later after the joke has already been told. I’d be like,”what are you laughing about?” Then you’d answer, “the joke earlier.” Shake my head. Hahahah. I also admire the fact that you run for fun every day and then continue to call yourself “out of shape.” (Like how.) You’re always down to hang out and go on adventures. Growing through university with you and sharing our tragic life events together- I cannot wait to see how you’re going to continue to grow and find yourself through university. We’re going to make it out better and stronger by 2020. (Process to 2020, eh? No matter what you hide, you can count on me to get to the core!)

Neil,

Oh Neil, oh Neil. You are someone I can ALWAYS count on. You have my back every time. And you best believe I got yours too. Even if you’re going to vomit all over me, I still won’t let you down. Even when you’re out and about, I’ll still drive you home. You’ve always been so kind to me and you’re HEHlulLA funny- sometimes. Being around you is always going to be a litty titty time. (HAHAHAH) I love hearing your past stories, your struggles with fat mentality, and your hoe stories. I can always get serious with you one minute and the next minute be laughing about how you thought making out was kissing yourself on the floor. You’re such a homie. Or how you say it, HamMEE. You’re so charismatic and lovable. Your smile lights up the room. I remember coming to you and crying about nothing. I ALSO remember when you made me cry in the study lounge as well.  I would like to partake in part of your ‘glow up’ when you asked me about whether you should get piercings, and I straight up told you how those baggy ankle jeans and Nike Air won’t get you that ‘look.’ Also that time that I held you back from vomiting as you continued to vomit all over my hand and arm- true friendship. And the time I slept on the couch so that you were forced to clean up your room. You’re welcome. You’re like a brother to me, Neil!! (JaNeil was real.) By the way, you’re super handsome, don’t EVER trip about it or feel as if you’re being too full of yourself by taking second looks in the mirror. You deserve it after working so hard to get to where you want to be!

Eric,

You wizard. Your brain is literally engineering wired- it amazes me. You’re so smart but at the same time soooooo crazy dangerous sometimes. You’re definitely an engineer for sure though. You always find such creative ways to solve problems that I would have never thought of. You fix things when they’re broken and neglected. You’re always so real and straightforward as well. You say it as it is. You’re so fun to talk to and be around. You were also one of the first to make me feel as if NorCal was home. You are such a great friend, and I love that I can always come to you with my problems and you’d literally just sit at your desk and listen to me ramble on and on. By the way, thank you for always observing my cooking and telling me that I cannot boil water at medium heat. Hahaha. You used to be such a grandpa and sleep at like 11PM, but woah did that change. You sleep at like, what, 1AM? Insane. It’s always great to see you out of your comfort zone too. You need to get out of that comfort zone more, Eric!! You need to just let loose and let those spaghetti arms and daddy long legs do whatever they want to do! Another note, you are always so prepared. Literally, for everything. I am SO SORRY that I have used up all of your Tylenol. I will get you a new bottle, so that I can use it again. Hahaha, just kidding. But seriously, you are so resourceful and I know that you literally have everything just an arms length away. You’d survive an apocalypse. But then again, you did slide down the staircase head first.

Brandon,

I still don’t remember meeting you at all. It’s quite funny how I literally only remember celebrating your birthday with complete strangers. You have always shown me so much love and care. I remember when you walked me back from formal in the dark because I hate the dark. That was very nice of you. Then we just sat in Bryan and Eric’s room to talk until like 4AM. You always try your best to be so patient with me when teaching me about physics and never questioning how I don’t understand anything. Your passion for dentistry has made me really excited for dentistry, and it’s so nice having someone to talk about toothpaste and flossing with. You’re so kind and the way you think about others always amazes me and brings me to tears. I’m so excited to be your co-dental head for this upcoming year. I’m so excited to see this professional side of you as we make Benit and Roger proud. I really look up to you, Brandon. Please get into dental school and show me your ways! You’re literally so knowledgeable and resourceful. Thanks for all of the curry and pasta in return for all of the times I gave you my end products in organic chemistry lab because you always somehow failed to collect enough products or even have reliable data. Shake my head. Thanks for being weird and such a breath of fresh air.

Andy,

You keep it one hundo. You will always say things the way you think it should be. You’re so knowledgeable about literally everything. You always know bits and bobs here and there. It’s so easy to talk to you and learn more from you. I also admire how hard working you are, yet so relaxed at home. You work so much, and I don’t know how you do it!! I remember asking you once why you work so much and you responded, “well, I have 16 hours that I don’t anything so might as well just work.” Hahaha. I really admire that! I have 16 hours that I don’t do anything too, but when I work, I ain’t subtracting any of my work hours from the 16 hours of doing nothing. (Probably why I didn’t work for long, hahah!) You’re a great listener as well! You have such an open mind and you always logically think things out when us girls are literally overthinking things and being extra as hell. Or whenever we’re stuck, you’re always willing to help out. I can always count on you, Andy! Thank you for always being here for everyone. I remember how shy you were when we first hung out, but then as you warmed up to us, you got real quirky. You’re such a unique individual, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for you!

Rheymart,

Bish. I don’t even know where to start. My first out-of-same-dorm friend at Davis. It was a sea of college students taking MAT17A at like some absurd time in the morning and from a distance, I spotted you. You were SO easy to talk to the moment I came up to you. You gave me your number right away, we clicked so fast, and we’re now friends for life. Hahaha. I love how extra you are. You’re a drama queen, but you’re also so shy. I LOVE all of our memories from freshmen year, even though you were a bitch at the end at one point, but I just blame your extra, petty ass for it. You’re hilarious and such a great dancer! This is so random, but remember that one time before our MAT17A final, you took out your angel figurine and legit prayed. That was gold. You always went to office hours with me too, so I thank you for never complaining about me dragging your ass to Kouba’s office hours literally every day. The only reason I got an A in that class. We always have such great memories together. Ugh, I miss seeing your booty popping moves in the dorms and sleeping on the floor in the hallways of Tercero with you. Remember how we pretended we were studying on the floor and “accidentally” fell asleep, so that when someone caught us we’d be like “oh shit, we didn’t mean to! We were just studying.” You’re my partner in crime and remember our pact- if we end up lonely, we’re going to move in together and live life to its fullest!!

Enriquez, Matthew, 

You were the first person to introduce me to the college “life.” You are one a kind. You never fail to make me laugh from such smart jokes. You are literally the life of the party. I’m so glad that you approached me that one time that I was eating breakfast alone at the dining commons. Do you remember that? We were just eating cereal together for breakfast. You then somehow got into the topic of pot and parties. It was very interesting with all of your spazzy “woo’s” and “ooo’s” and awkward arm flails. I remember after our brief meeting, we never stopped snapchatting! We became really great friends, and somehow we connected through mutual friends. It’s so baffling how small this world is. I’m so glad to have met someone who is so free-spirited and so intelligent. I remember how after my confrontation with my ex-boyfriend, you messaged me about how you looked up to me and were proud of me. That made me tear up because I never really thought of you as one to really say such things. You were always so out of the loop and all over the place, hahaha, It really touched my heart. I really admire you, Matthew. You are such a bright, entertaining soul. I am so excited to see you doing big things in the future.

Jeff,

Jizz. I remember when I first met you, you were eating vanilla yogurt out of the big tub. You had yogurt ALL OVER your mouth, but you just didn’t give a damn. You kept eating and boy, did you keep talking and talking. I remember asking one of the other boys, “does Jeff talk this much?” Hahaha! I always get pulled into your conversations, and they are so inappropriate for the real world but you always got a point. You always do. You’re so loud and funny at home, but in public you’re such a good kid!! Hahaha, that facade you got on is too good. I’m so glad I got the chance to get to know you. You’re such a real one and your boujie clothes/fashion style are A+. You always make me laugh, and it’s never a bad moment when I’m around you! (Remember when we had a deep conversation in the middle of your room, and you legit out of nowhere just decided to strip into your pajamas.) I can’t wait to spend the next couple of years in college with you. You’re such a joy to be around, and I hope to one day conquer the Picnic Day scavenger hunt with you!

End note: I know this was such a long post, but I seriously could have kept going on and on about each and every one of you. You all hold such a special place in my heart. Y’all have been here for me through my ups and downs. I understand true friendship because of y’all. You are the reason I love Davis, the reason I look forward to coming back up after break even though I’m so, so family oriented and homesick all the time. Thank you for everything and for always pushing me to be the best version of myself while at the same time telling me to let go and relax every now and then. You are all so individually unique, and I don’t think I would have ever been able to find a more wholesome, perfect group to be around anywhere else. I understand why I’m where I am, and it’s because we were all destined to meet. We’re literally family away from home. My university experience would have never been the same without you all. Here’s to us, the Sleepy Pasta Bitches, est Fall 2016.

From the very bottom of my heart,

Janet Nguyen

  Dear Davis, **Disclaimer: This is a really, really long post.** You have not only provided me with a wealth of knowledge and opportunities but you've equipped me with probably…

[myhalloweendreams]

gtkm 🌙

tagged by the lovely @honeyedmilks​ <3

(sorry it took me so long to answer ... I suck)

how tall are you: 5′6 ? i think ? (i converted it but i don’t really get how it works  so i’m not sure if it’s right or not !! but 171cm)

what colour are your eyes: I have boring brown eyes.... I wish i had black eyes they’re awesome or blue they are beautiful

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses ... I suck at putting contacts so I only use them when going out for free and spontaneous peer pressure

do you wear braces: nope, never had to... but I still have a milk-tooth that I had to cover

what is your fashion style: i don’t have money enough to buy nice things style + my mom is very controlling and will vet things and if you buy it anyway she will throw it out of the window style - but I normally dress like: I don’t like to show skin, I don’t fell comfortable in dresses or skirts and I don’t use bright colors or patterns or anything that draws attention to me... so you’ll find mostly in black jeans and plain or simple stamp dark shirt (probably black) bonus points if it’s long enough to end under my butt and something over it (like a  sweater or jacket or something ....probably has something to do with my need of not showing skin) and my favorite short boots. There isn’t much for my mom complain and it doesn’t show skin and mostly is comfortable  (when it isn’t too hot... i suffer a little when it’s) so it’s what I normally go with

when were you born:  may 28th

how old are you: old !! how i say since i was  little kid(and i’m talking about my five years old self) i was born a 60 years old person and i’m just growing older from there (I don’t only was a kid who had an easier time communicating with adults, but I never wanted to play with the other kids, I have back problems, I would take everything serious and be responsible, I nagged even the adults about wrong and right and so on... I was born old)

do you have any siblings: hm yes . one brother (younger) ...he’s awful ... next question

what school/ college do you go went to: interior design 

what kind of student are you: I have always been a good student, but I talked a lot in class... but now that I think about it I had to teach myself everything because I couldn’t concentrate enough, but I was always an overachiever and the teacher’s favorite, but never the best student (I made a conscious effort to not be the best - second is always better than first as it’s be the second in command in any group, never the leader... you’re good enough to be heard but the attention is not on you... I can’t handle attention).... I was always the one to assemble the power points and group’s essays, because that way I would know that it would be done(I’m always freaking out so I couldn’t handle not know if the others weren’t doing their part or if it wasn’t going to be finished) and I would always research everyone’s part so I knew that it wouldn’t lack one part if that person didn’t do its part, but I would always include the information they researched in the essay, but in that way I at least would know that I wasn’t writing nonsense on the essay when they gave me their part and it would be a tool to help the ones that had a hard time finding their part (I liked to be prepared and I liked to be able to help who needed and I liked to know all the subject being researched, normally a lot more profoundly than needed to do the essay ... as I said overachiever)

what are your favorite subjects: arts, math, statistics and I do love history, but not the school subject (I had a mix of bad and not interested teachers in this one)

what are your favorite movies: i have no idea !! you ask my favorite movie and all movies that I ever watched just vanishes from my mind. I can try to think in a few that I like (but probably not my favorite) I guess...

The Mummy 1 & 2 (that Sofia cited)

Zombie ones (like Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, World War Z, Train to Busan, etc)

i love animated movies (some of them: Shrek 2, Coco, How to Train Your Dragon, Coraline, Mulan, Anastasia, The Nightmare Before Christmas... I could keep citing animated movies for a long time here)

Grinch

The Covenant

Pride and Prejudice

The A-Team

Hero movies (even the bad ones)

Rom-coms (but I can’t think in any rn)

Silly comedies (i’m saying silly like the mummy ones and not over-sexual and stupid like american pie... i hate that kind of movie)

That’s all that I can think of rn :X

what are your favorite pastimes: I live from one distraction to another... Sooo, there’s a few...

I listen to music, a lot, while doing everything (I shouldn’t be let alone with my thoughts... ever); I read as much as my concentration and motivation let me; I watch stuff (like tv shows, dramas, movies and not so often: youtube videos); I draw sometimes when my motivation let me(... can I still say that after all this time? there is probably more than a year that I don’t draw anything), I blog and scroll down in the blue hell a lot; I look through and save pins on my Pinterest; I do some diy projects, i really like it but it’s linked to my motivation too so I do less and less stuff as the time passes; there were a time where I would play on my phone but it’s memory it’s too small and I can’t have games anymore; I used to play videogame too but I kind of linked it to my father so I don’t do that anymore; I create stupid stories or scenarios in my head; I really like to play around with photoshop; and I like to learn new things or tricks in things that I already know how to use/do

so you have any regrets: I have only regrets

what is your dream job: i dunno... you have to want to have a future for want to do something in the future i guess

would you like to get married: nope

do you want kids? how many if so: nope... i love kids but nope. Pregnancy is a terrifying thing and everyone painting it as a beautiful full of flowers and rainbows experience is lying. But even if it (pregnancy) wasn’t a problem put another person in this world would not only hypocrite of me, but a really mean thing to do. The world sucks every day more and bring an innocent life to this hell would be mean. Well, if I ever find any will to live I could adopt I guess... the kid is already here and I could at least love her/him, protect and give them the best I can, i guess.... No, I’m too afraid to become my mom, I don’t think I can do that. :(

how many countries have you visited: i can’t even say that i have visited mine... i know like three cities of it. I wish I had ever went to another country.

what was your scariest dream: i dunno... maybe the one where i was in this big ass house that i don’t know and i was running away and i could feel something hunting me  and keep entering in different rooms or not being able to open doors and never finding a way out, and i started to run slower  and i was terrified and then a very graphic version of the hunter of the left 4 dead that my brain created jumped in front of me and then in my face. Maybe not the worse since I have had several nightmares through my life but pretty terrifying and I remember it know..... and what kind of question is that?! who wants to think about that D:

do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other: nope... i’m asexual 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs:

almost gave myself a heart attack since I forgot to check the volume~

(I got my old ipod for the last five of the list, because I still listen to it... but it haven’t see a new music for like seven years)

Perfect Man - BTS (cover)

Ciao Adios - Anne-Marie

Often - The Weeknd (i didn’t even knew i was listening to a remix)

Play Hard - Krewella

The Edge - Tonight Alive

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace 

Pocketful Of Sunshine - Natasha Bedingfield

Fight Song - Rachel Platten

Now I'm That Bitch - Livvi Franc ft. Pitbull

The Outsider - Black Veil Brides

Tea Party - Kerli

Call Me When You’re Sober - Evanescence

C’est Moi - Marie-Mai

Papa Don’t Preach - Kelly Osbourne (cover)

Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley

Bonus: Until the Day I Die - Story of the Year (because I forgot its existence until it start as the next in this shuffled list)

[frontporchlit]

FPJ Blog Post: “Change”

This summer I visited the northwest for two months, primarily to help my father build a house. My parents had left their beloved firstborn (me) in Texas whilst traversing the country during my first semester of undergrad, finally settling in Astoria, Oregon—home of Kindergarten Cop and The Goonies, both which are displayed proudly on an isolated shelf in the town’s very own VCR / DVD rental store. Having seen neither of these films, I was at a loss to understand the community’s prime hype.

So, without any peers in the area whatsoever, it was just me and my 34 pound suitcase of books. I set to work on such procrastinated novels as Catch-22, The Grapes of Wrath, and Dead Souls (from this list you might be able to infer that I felt desolately trapped in labor).

This geographical change rocked my mental equilibrium, to say the least. Replacing my morning novel with a hammer really nailed the point home that I wooden’t have much time nor energy for leisurely cogitations of philosophical type (but time enough for puns, always). Furthermore, in Oregon, remote and cut-off from the usual stimuli found in an adventurous young adult’s lifestyle (such as daring to buy groceries before checking bank balances and whatnot), my days blended into a blur of moderate temperature and sawdust—a stagnation subduing youthful frivolousness.

 And then, I noticed my poetry appeared a tad stale. Though metaphors and alliteration still rippled stanzas like the nearby Columbia River, the content was bereft of connection to life. Instead of drawing from happenings and feelings actually present, I was purely fabricating circumstances with only surface meaning. I was lying lyrically.

Any dedicated individual keen on their passion ardently practices and perfects it in order to accustom the art into muscle memory; I had grown used to the catharsis of having an inner turmoil expressed and quelled through the act of writing, but what happens when you have nothing to expel? Do you conclude your run of ‘being an artist’ with the current lack of production? Does an artist need the validation of output in order to say, “yes, I made this, now I am a justified in my niche?”

Remembering when a professor of mine once deftly pointed at a line in an Anne Sexton poem to declare, “that’s BS”—meaning that the acclaimed poet’s voice was noticeably incongruent in its integrity—I panicked. Would my insincerity of verse likewise be this transparent?

The aforementioned professor had also once articulated a guide for eliciting more authenticity during writing processes: notice the contrast between what you may have to say (i.e., what pretty words may be stored in that visionary brain of yours) and what you HAVE to say (i.e., what must be let loose of its storage to be recognized, felt, made tangible).

 Accordingly, I began to filter my thoughts before they materialized on the page. But I realized there was not anything that I did HAVE to say. And so, as I believe an emotional and bona fide fervor should be the undercurrent and movement of any writing which is expected to have a lasted influence on author and audience alike, I said nothing.

Thus, my decision to take a sabbatical from my daily writing was, effectually, a chance to breathe and experience moments without the bedeviling voice which nags how do I transcribe this? Though transition included side-effects of tingling extremities and tumultuous thoughts, I felt more at ease to merely read and absorb my surroundings, rather than rushing to put-out works and contributions of my own.

Meanwhile, in my hands was Jack Kerouac’s Lonesome Traveller, opened to chapter six: “Alone on a Mountaintop.” Already enamored with the Beat Generation of the 50’s and 60’s, I knew much comfort in this prolific author whose unsettled, dazzling unconsciousness, laid bare in his prose and poetry, inevitably sparks my latent juices into creativity time and again. And, like magic, I stumbled upon this:

“No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.”

Well, needless to note, I unhesitatingly stepped outside into the blooming breeze of foxglove and pine. Inhaled. Exhaled.

Closed off senses.

Unbeknownst to me before the spontaneous exploration of our overgrown backyard, there is a labyrinth of long trails covering miles of moist moss, fierce forest, and lush leafage. Taking the above excerpt to heart, I wandered about my “paths of solitude” for hours, practicing mindfulness for an erased mental slate. My attempt at being a lonesome traveller subsequently resulted in knotted-green hair and an unknotted, zen-like spirit.

Unfortunately, though penetrating deep enough to become so severely lost that law enforcement had to be notified on one outing, my trip ended before I was able to traverse the extent of all the routes. Currently back in San Marcos just weeks before the start of my Masters in Poetry program, I have been gradually reintroducing the art of composition into my daily habit—the difference being, now, that I acutely feel weight and import of what I record, having not recorded in so long.

 Inertia, or the property of an object to stay in motion / rest until an external force coerces change, has both aided my abundant output before and stifled the beginnings of such. Learning how to take agency against the natural tendency to continue a uniform life is what will distinguish a person’s art by showcasing that intrinsic power. It is a deep power, to say, “no, I will commence, or cease, when I alone please.”

That being said, appreciating the exact moment being lived, instead of constantly waiting for future happenings, heightens one’s sense of self, being thus fully involved in the physical form of now and not in the ethereal shimmer of “sometime.”

I close with another Kerouac quote from the same passage:

“Yes, so to try to attain to Nirvana when you're already there, to attain to the top of a mountain when you're already there and only have to stay - thus, to stay in the Nirvana Bliss, is all I have to do, you have to do, no effort, no path really, no discipline but just to know that all is empty and awake, a Vision and a Movie in God's Universal Mind (Alaya-Vijnana) and to stay more or less wisely in that.- Because silence itself is the sound of diamonds which can cut through anything, the sound of Holy Emptiness, the sound of extinction and bliss, that graveyard silence which is like the silence of an infant's smile, the sound of eternity, of the blessedness surely to be believed, the sound of nothing-ever-happened-except-God.”

Do not worry, then, about change, for the mind and body have their ways of equalizing the chaos of natural occurrences. Some days have slots for your impact and voice, as a harmony awaiting your counterpart and choral idiosyncrasies. Some days are charged with a current which drags its suspect along a tremendous path, so that the latter may absorb and be humbled by a wildness that might be inadvertently shunned when we are inwardly centralized. Whatever the ebb or flow, learn how to feel where movement is naturally occurring, and, by stepping into that spring, bathe.

Emily Ellison is a MFA Creative Writing Candidate at Texas State University. As a poet, she revels in the art of word play, though her friends would rather her puns and double entendres not interrupt their dinner parties. Emily, currently working on several collections of verse, aspires to be a professor of English so that her years of bookish isolation will finally have paid off.  

[wanderingtravelr]

This is Israel is back after a few months of hiatus!  For those who might not be familiar with this blog segment, it is a space where I share with you what I have experienced during my past month in Israel. In addition to my normal travel blogs, I want to use this space to give you a glimpse of what my life in Israel is really like.

  Week 1

Coffee shop finds and cat conferences I remember during my first few months in Haifa, I was quite disappointed in the lack of cute or cozy coffee shops. However, as the months have gone by, I’ve become more accustomed to how to find my way around the city, and as a result have been able to explore more and find those coffee shops that I’m more than willing to spend hours in. Honestly the best feeling ever!

This week I managed to go to one close to my flat before starting work in the morning. I can’t describe how much a good coffee from a cute coffee shop can help lighten my mood if I’ve been having a tough week. AND ALSO CUTE LITTLE BAKED GOODS 

As a side note, came across this conference of cats on my way to the coffee shop. There’s an old lady in my neighbourhood that enjoys feeding all of the cats, so she comes by with loads of cat food every morning. You know she’s outside because you can hear all the cats meowing in excitement for their morning meal.

Making a conscious decision towards better health

Okay, so I’ve realized that sitting at a desk for 8+ hours a day is not conducive to great physical health. That insight should have probably been obvious since the beginning, but I didn’t really become conscious of it until I was 1 year into my work and really began to gain weight and feel more tired and anxious than I normally would.

I came to the conclusion that in order to begin leading a better lifestyle, I should begin doing some sort of exercise – so I got out of my comfort zone and signed up for the gym! I’ve been starting off with two fitness classes per week, which are in Hebrew, but eyyy I’ll learn eventually! Although it hasn’t been long since I’ve begun, I can already feel my energy returning and I’m all for that!

Also, super side note, I didn’t realize how much fun it is to buy athletic wear. I think this might be a problem.

  Geckos in the flat! I repeat. Geckos in the flat! I FOUND A GECKO (or three) in my flat! I honestly don’t have much to say about this other than I think they’re really cute and I’m more than happy for them to be in my flat (if they just don’t come on my bed plzthx) because they eat up all the insects!

I had to help this guy find his way outside, so I put him in a container and gently left him outside my door.

* * *

Week 2

My new obsession Okay, so I may have started going to the gym, but I also started baking muffins sooo I think they cancel each other out? We’ll deal with that later.

Pinterest has become my source of muffin inspiration, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t realize how much fun baking would be! And how much more fun it would be to eat my creations ahaha woooops

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Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

  Israeli lunches and flower shop adventures Yes, hummus is good. But have you ever tried Labaneh with Zatar?!?!! Bless the Israelis for having some crazy delicious foods. And to have it with a side of bread and veggies? Yes please!

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Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

Also, can we please take a moment to get excited over the flowers that I got right after lunch? Problem was, they wilted in a week’s time because of how hot the weather is, but here’s to hoping that once the weather starts to cool down (maybe in a hundred years?), then my flowers will last longer.

Nespresso magic

I.

GOT.

A.

NESPRESSO.

MACHINE.

That is all.

… no, but actually, it has made my mornings so much more exciting. So many coffees to choose from in such little time. YES PLEASE.

* * *

Week 3

Hamster HAMSTER HaMsTeR For those of you who know me, you know that I can even tear up when I look at cute animal videos. So please imagine my utter excitement when I got to play with a hamster this week. I think I reverted back to my 6 year-old self.

Tel Aviv adventures Sometimes, I really need to get out of Haifa – and this was one of those weeks. I just needed to have a little adventure, and that’s definitely what I got with a mini half-day trip to Tel Aviv.

Of course I had to stop by Sarona Market (aka. the best place ever), and had to buy tons of goods that I couldn’t get my hands on in Haifa (like onigiri!!!). 

Wolf spider Imagine being scared of spiders (for some, you may not have to imagine this because, like me, it is your reality). Now, one evening, after a long day of work, you come home and begin making food for yourself in the kitchen. You then make your way to grab something out of your cupboard BUT YOU CANNOT DO THAT BECAUSE THERE IS A GIGANTIC SPIDER OF HUGE PROPORTIONS WAITING TO FEAST ON YOUR SOUL.

Honestly, look up “wolf spider” on google. Look at the image with the biggest one. That’s the one that was in my flat. The biggest. The soul-sucking one.

  * * *

Week 4

Art nights Over the months, I’ve realized that I need more balance in my life – so I’ve began doing art. I’m not good at it, but I do enjoy it, and it definitely helps me with relaxing! So as often as I can, I look up ideas on Pinterest, whip out my water colour paper, take out some water colours, pens, and markers, and begin to doodle away. 

My plan is to put up some of my creations in the flat, so I’ve gotten them frames, but still need to find a way to put them up (because I’m not allowed to make holes in the wall). Hopefully a store will have some kind of sticky tape that’ll help me get the job done!

  Tel Aviv Museum of Art I had the most spontaneous trip to the Tel Aviv Museum of Art! I didn’t even know it existed until someone called me and said “let’s go to the museum tomorrow”. The museum itself is around an hour away from where I live, so it is quite easy to get to by car. Unfortunately, since I don’t have a car, it is near impossible for me to get there on my own, because there is no transit running on weekends in Israel. So unless I want to get there on foot (no thank you, google maps tells me it would take 19 hours and 31 minutes), there’s really no way to get there.

So grateful for someone to have taken me and let me join them on this adventure! I’ll definitely be posting a full blog post about this place, so I won’t give anything away about it right now!

    13 months down, 17 more to go!

xx

This is Israel (Ep. 9 – August 2018) This is Israel is back after a few months of hiatus!  For those who might not be familiar with this blog segment, it is a space where I share with you what I have experienced during my past month in Israel.

[2centsofsilver]

10/17/17

Last night after blogging that thing about L, I had a dream about her. She was present in my life. She had come back. It was like, I opened the door, and she was standing there with a smile. And she was talking to me and we were talking. We were getting ready to go somewhere or do something. It was a dream of great peace and clarity. Woke up sad. I had a dream several nights ago with her friend C in it too. I was over at someone’s house and I took her to the side and was like, “Can I talk to you???” And she sort of gave an “Ok fine” reply and took me into a side bedroom behind the kitchen. I was like, “What is going on???” And she said something to the effect of, “Lisa doesn’t want you to talk to her anymore. She doesn’t want you in her life anymore.” And I asked her why. And she was reluctant to tell me, but sort of did tell me, but I don’t remember the reason or it was vague, I’m not sure. And then she had to get back to her party because she had guests over. ---- Today while I was paying my parking meter on 1st St, I literally got attacked by a squirrel. I’ll talk about it later, but it was sort of traumatic. --- Today I had therapy at 3:30pm. It started out in the waiting room with me telling Amy I was attacked by a squirrel and asking whether I needed to get a rabies shot LOL. She said no, it didn’t break skin, etc. What a way to bring myself into therapy. Lately in therapy, she’s been getting a comprehensive, ongoing Hx and last time we got through my first ever major loss in life: Band. We had ended session with it and she was taken back by how significant the loss and said we’d pick up there next time. But I came in today really needing help with the present. She asked me how I was and I told her I was really stressed and amidst a giant financial crisis of having completely run out of money in both my checking and savings account. That led to me sort of blabbing about how I need a job/don’t have one/cancelled my interview this morning because: Domino Effect - I didn’t sleep last night because: Domino Effect- I was writing about Lisa. I backtracked and told her how the new job emailed saying that they can’t take me on anyway if I don’t have Thursday availability. Domino Effect- I told Amy that I signed up for an art class during that exact shift at the A2 Art Center on Thursdays because: Domino Effect- I deferred from school and just wanted to be happy and help my depression, so I thought I had done something good, which was sign up for an art class. Had I not done that, I could have taken this job, but how was I supposed to know? Additionally- Domino Effect, I told 3 employers I have open availability on Wednesdays, but Domino Effect, I am now in a class created by my therapist called Hungerwise which runs every Wednesday for the next 9 weeks. This is a really crucial class to help cure my depression in the next year of my deferment.  Then I talked a lot about being possibly depressed from my benzos or maybe from being used to loss; basically told her that I was emotionally flat/emotionless during a time that I otherwise never would be: Loss of Lisa. I told her how it didn’t make sense that I wouldn’t be in deep pain grieving this, but I talked about how I’m not experiencing any emotions at all including happiness or the ability to concentrate/absorb experiences and information. I also told her how I haven’t gone grocery shopping in 2 months, don’t eat what I buy, eat out twice a day for the last 2 months, have run out of money because of it, am always hungry, and never sleep/sleep all day. Despite how it sounds, I was actually quite organized while I explained all this to her. She was following really well. I really like Amy because she stops me and asks relevant questions that make me think and they always help me understand and connect A-B-C-D-E-F-G, etc. History and Present. Trauma and Behavior. She’s slightly psychodynamic, but I think it’s working because she’s contemporary in her approach and integrative. She uses the Family Systems Model which is proving quite beneficial. It’s where we work on identifying emotions and assign ages to those emotions. For example: How did it feel when M texted me about L and “Company Members. If you had to put a single emotion to that, what would it be?” I struggled to think of an emotion. She listed some off, one being “Scared.” I thought about it, then agreed. Wholeheartedly agreed. “Yes, I felt really really scared,” I said. And then she sometimes will ask, “If you had to put an age to that emotion, what age does it feel to experience that emotion for you?” I usually really struggle with this question, but usually it’s an age from childhood. She didn’t ask me that for this scenario today, but if I had to choose an age for how “Scared” I felt after that encounter, I would pick, maybe 16 or 17 because it was a reasonable, complex fear laced with “What If” fears and mental racing in considering numerous factors, etc., but oftentimes, I’ll say “Age 7 or 8″ when she asks me for other things. We talked a lot about the “Company Members” thing and how much that brief text exchange has fucked me up since it happened. We talked about my desire to want to “Report” things- how I often feel scared/in trouble when I’m innocent and feel like I need help from someone of power, like a social worker, or my dad as a lawyer. She asked me why that is and I told her I think it has something to do with my parents always getting me out of everything when I was a child. I told her how even if I fought all this, it would be a losing battle, because it’s hard to prove mental health as a medical condition, etc. I also told her my HEART is not in “The Company” - and went into an organized description of how much I oppose ABA and how much I hated my job there and why I chose to reapply. And then she asked me some questions about why I want to prove so badly that I’m a person of value. She asked some questions about H and I answered. She’s a really, really good therapist. We’ve accomplished so much in the 10 sessions I’ve seen her so far. She ended up ending session by asking me a really hard, comprehensive question that she wants me to think about and said we could talk more about next time. It was a thought she had: Do I notice a pattern in my emotions and actions for each and every time all these individuals have “left me” and do any of these people have anything in common. I said yes to the pattern, that it’s always the same, and no to them having things in common. I said the only thing in common is that I thought these people were the coolest people ever and wanted them to like me, I wanted to feel included, and I wanted to be just like them. She then asked the broader comprehensive question of, would I compare my lifespan problems with my parents (attachment to abandonment- Child through Present Day) to the patterns of these short-lasting relationships with friends who have “left.” I thought about it. I told her it’s really hard to compare 26 years with anywhere from 3 months to 2 year friendships. But I ultimately said maybe, “Because my parents don’t love me anymore.”  --- After therapy today, I got a lot of things done on my To-Do List. A lot of really important things. I bought cold wax medium from Michael’s for my class, ordered art supplies online for overnight delivery, returned my textbook and mailed my Aetna reimbursement form at the post office, went into a book store asking for books on Portland (spontaneous and unplanned; it was like something led me in there), went to the library on Stadium -- really nice inside! -- to print my NR 401k paperwork for cash-out, fax my Recipient Rights certificate for my current job, and print more Aetna forms. I also got coffee at Sweetwater’s at the library which made me feel happy. I think the wind and changing weather had something to do with my desire to walk into that bookstore and feel cozy with coffee and my dream. Reevaluate whether I’m on the right road here in A2. I got GTPC too. It was a really productive day. --- Tomorrow I have my SEED followup for Integrative Health with Deb. My friend Kara is going, but unfortunately Alyssa and Kaylee aren’t going. I don’t think Savannah will be on campus because she has a meeting for Field. I might have lunch with Amanda after, but then I have to catch the bus and go out to Plymouth Rd for a massage with a new girl named Maggie.  Then Thursday, I have my art class in the morning, possibly an interview, and am hanging out with Max, Gabe, Logan, and maybe Savannah in the evening. I am hoping to hang out with Erin again soon and Lindsey too. It feels good that all these people are inviting me to do things, rather than the other way around. I still don’t know where I am though. I feel like I’ve just been dropped into white space. --- Peace, Love, Happiness. 1:09AM

[runwright]

A look back at 2016

2016 Goals

Running/ Health and Fitness

I didn't hit any of the fitness goals I set for myself. I took the entire winter and almost the entire spring off running. My bike needed to be fixed and I didn't get it repaired until October.  Exercise was sporadic at best for most of the early part of the year and by the time summer rolled around, I was carrying some extra weight, feeling heavy and stiff and not able to train for any races. Needless to say, I didn't even attempt to train for the marathon.

Financial

As the year progressed, I learned more about myself and about life and changed my financial goals. I put some things in place to start following one of my passions. I knew it would take a while before it would be financially feasible but now I get to do what I love. The bills are still being paid but I wasn't able to pay off my debts or save much. That continues to be a goal for 2017.

Personal Development

I completed my reading challenge to read 100 books by December 31st. It took me the entire year to get to that number because while I got ahead of the schedule during the summer months, in the fall I got consumed with other projects and that was also the time I started spending way more time exercising and going on other adventures and slouched on the reading. When I got back to the challenge, it was a race to try to finish by the end of the year but I did it. Other reading challenges and goals that I completed in: Non-Fiction reading challenge ( I read enough NF to get the Master title) Winter Reading Challenge - I read 12 of the 14 books but couldn't get to the category to read 2 books with the same title. They had to be the same spelling and everything and I just missed out on that part. I participated in the Popsugar Reading Challenge and read 35 of the 40 categories. I read 20 of 26 qualifying books for the ABC challenge. I took 2 John Maxwell workshops I trained 2 Pathfinders to complete their syllabus so they could be promoted to the next class. I took a challenge to be fluent in French and while fluency still evades me, I did get a lot of practice.

Writing

2016 was the year where my life changed. I finally released my first book, a short story collection entitled It's Complicated: Short Stories About Long Relationships. With that, I became a published author with nationwide distribution and my print book made it to several international countries. Off the top of my head, I can tell you that I have readers in USA, Canada, Germany, Jamaica, Antigua, Trinidad, Malawi, Sudan. For a tiny self-published book where I didn't spend a dollar on marketing, I'd say this is a dream come true and a motivator to keep writing. I also released a Kindle version of my book on Amazon so I can't say where in the world awesome people are downloading and reading my book but it is a joy to get a little residual check every month that comes straight from writing the things that make my heart sing. I wanted to publish more books in 2016 but I got a little sidetracked by success :-) so I have to push those other goals to 2017. I did do a lot more writing though so I have a lot of new material that just needs to be collated and edited. I participated in NaNoWriMo and wrote almost an entire new novel from that project. I also returned to my first love - poetry - and put together a collection that just needs a little fine tuning before I can make it available to everyone to read.

Spiritual

I didn't complete the challenge to read the Bible in a year but that was to be expected since I've never done it. Maybe it's not a realistic goal for me while I'm reading so many other things. Maybe I should just focus on reading and studying parts of it as I've bene doing.

Blog and Social Media

I am not good at tracking finances, especially keeping track of blog income but I do know I didn't make anything close to the income I'd wanted to get from this blog. I had hoped to have way more followers on my social media but it's hard going sometimes, especially when you get a little distracted or demotivated and stop posting the kind of content people look for. That's something I have to be better at doing in the future.

Travel

2016 was a disappointing year for travel. I didn't go on any of the trips I had planned at the beginning of the year but I did fit in some other spontaneous adventures - hiking, backpacking and staycation trips so that kinda made up for it. And how did I stick with my daily resolutions and intentions?

2016 Resolutions

Start everyday with worship and intentional living reminders - Check Study Sabbath School lesson and read Bible everyday - Check Drink 8 cups of water everyday - Yes. I spent 2016 being very well hydrated Get high-intensity workout for at least 20 minutes everyday - I got better with this as the year wore on Practice French for at least 5 minutes everyday - Most days, I spoke in French, even if it was to myself. Visit sick and shut-in members more often - Yes Work on my to-do list everyday instead to stop procrastinating - Yes Be intentional in my relationships - Yes Do something creative everyday - write, draw, compose music, sew, make art, create videos - Yes. I even increased the medium and took on YouTube in 2016 Keep sugar intake to a minimum - I tried. I did stop buying big bags of candy to store in my cupboards so that was a step in the right direction Keep my blog fresh and relevant with layouts, good content and interesting images - Hmmm. You'd be the judge of that, I guess. Stay engaged with my social media followers. I tried. Keep in touch with my family. I did reconnect with some family members. Take better care of my hair - Yes Make everyday an adventure - Yes. Most days, I made time for a mini adventure, even if it was just taking a different way home :-) Overall, 2016 was a great year.

The Overview

I wrote and published a book and it brought some experiences I know I wouldn't have had without making that step. I had book signings where people introduced me as an author, I went to a couple of book events and met other authors. My best book signing was probably the one where I was autographing copies of my book on a bus heading across state lines.  I also met some famous authors like JoJo Moyes I started a YouTube channel called Runwright Reads where I focus on bookish discussions. It was a new challenge to not just put my thoughts in the written word but also to see how I could engage with a viewer and communicate my personality through self-filmed video. In just about six months, I have about 230 awesome followers and every one is a new friend to talk with about something I'm passionate about. I went to some live concerts and heard some engaging music, watched some artistic movies, read informative and entertaining and motivational books, took some inspirational classes. I went to a Yankee Game, went to Giants stadium and met current and retired players. I met some great people online and IRL. YouTube subscribers and blogger friends aside, I also made a few new friends through my work, through church, and a few fitness enthusiasts through the running and bike clubs. There were also a few people I've known for years and who, in 2016, our conversation changed to include talk of more enduring themes. All of these, as well as my family and friend relationships made my year a very social one. On a sad note, I lost some friends and family members in 2016. My dear, dear friend Leslie Phipps died suddenly in June. After spending the day in her company at church, she went home and went to bed and didn't wake up. That was the most shocking loss I think I've ever experienced. In December, Uncle Harry, a man whose face still bears a extra wide smile in all my memories of him, also passed away after a short illness. And sprinkled throughout the year, there were several church family and extended family members who just fell. I heard about the passing of several friends in Jamaica who I remember from my childhood, neighbors and family friends who I will never see again when I return to Jamaica. Each of those losses was hard to recover from but I tried to focus on the good memories to move on. It helps to have good people  to talk things over with and have fun with now. It was hard to say goodbye to 2016. It was a very good year and I want to carry that progress into 2017 as I focus on accomplishments. What was your best memory of 2016?

This post first appeared on http://runwright.net

[katey-bulner]

If that philosophical “god-like” figure from up above looked down at me this past week, this is what he would have seen; a young woman in a small car on the highway racing parallel to a delicious fairy-floss coloured sky, her heart pounding in sync with the souls she shared her company with, their hearts too beating to this unexplainable magical drum. She had sand imprinted on her skin and coffee running through her blood. She felt alive.

If you do not like those cliche hollywood movies where a bunch of rowdy millennials pack their shit into a car, take themselves on a road trip, and give their musical lungs a good workout- then I ask you to quietly close this browser now. On the chance that you do, (we’d get along great), prepare yourself for a glorified and romanticised run down of my life last week. I like to think of my friendships as matchsticks creating sparks – each fire is always different.

Monday’s Fire

Bright and early I set my GPS up, packed a bag of beach essentials, and headed off to meet a friend I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I always remember how I met someone – first impressions are forever tattooed in my mind – as well as the increments stages of when our relationship began to grow. Rhiannon has always been very forward in movement and sudden in speech. She grabs and hugs your arm without second thought, and will start randomly shrieking with excitement when a distant thought comes back to mind – that’s exactly what I love about her. For me, talking to Rhiannon is like communicating with myself in front of a mirror. We often have to scream at each other to stop talking because of how freakishly parallel our minds are. Our thoughts grow from the same stem, our ambitions are shooting for the same goal post, and our personalities dance together in partnership.

So here we ventured in her little car off to the Gold Coast where we devoured bowls of salad, drooled over shoes in shop windows and each read in silence as we got lost in $20 books that we spontaneously sought out and bought. We caught up on months of missed conversation and shared the love of our favourite musical artists. You could have put us on a never-ending road and I don’t think we would have even noticed nor cared. With Rhiannon you feel like time is never enough. However, as dawn set on us and we said goodbye I felt completely content with the day that went by, and the person who I spent it with.

  Thursday & Friday’s Fire

I’ve been waiting to describe these two days to someone; I want to tell the person in the car next to me about this trip as we wait for the red light to turn green. I want to tap the shoulder of the girl in front of me in the coffee line and say, “Hey I don’t know you but let me tell you about this cool road trip I went on”. Most of the people I had met on this trip I didn’t even know, and if I did – I still didn’t know very well. This year I made a promise to myself to try swimming in a pool of the unknown, where my comfort and familiarity was pushed away far beyond sight or touch. So here I found myself agreeing to a very spontaneous and random two-day road trip that featured a car full of two Australian’s and two Texans. The first moments of the day featured awkward introductions, small talk and the classic cultural queries of ‘How do you say Nikon in America?’ and ‘What is it like going to college?’.

But as the buildings soon melted into mountains and the mismatched colour of shops and windows converged to the colour green, the energy in the car changed too. We fed our curious minds at Montville’s antique stores, relaxed inside Poet’s Cafe, and mused over the paintings in the villages art gallery’s. Soon after swimming and having dinner on the beachfront at Maroochydore, night-time came to say hello. Sometimes the only way to appreciate a person, a place, or even a moment; is to step back and watch from a distance. So, with the addition of two more friends that we picked up on the way, we watched the lights of the city below us, as the lights from the sky watched us.

The next day after refuelling on sleep and breakfast, the little car took to the road once more, its destination this time crossing the border of NSW, Byron Bay. The car no longer held a group of strangers, and you could almost have sworn that we had all known each other for longer than one day. What some may think as a burden or true unluckiness, we saw as an experience. We were granted with the fortunes of pouring rain for they only led to us sticky and laughing, huddled together for cover in a tiny covered shack. Traffic delayed us and placed us bumper-to-bumper with the other travellers, but it only meant that we were lucky enough to see the sun go to sleep, and to hear the music play a little more. We smiled to the songs we had remembered from young and drummed to the classics that bonded us all together.

As I crawled into bed that night I felt so grateful for the small pleasures in life that cannot be bought or sold, but are rather exchanged and created. For someone who thrives on the thoughts and solitude of myself, it felt different to feel a sadness and craving for other peoples presence. Maybe it’s because I know I won’t see them again for a very long time, or perhaps because spontaneity is something that slowly becomes harder to grasp when you’re older with responsibilities. However, for the time that it lasted it was a real dream; a flash of magic.

A small private (well as private as you can get on a blog), and personal word to Kinley and Becca; I may not know what your favourite colour is, or what your favourite subject was at school, but what I do know is that those little moments inside that car was raw, unmasked and completely real. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed so much that tears drip from my face and hopefully in the near future the universe will place us in the same continent once again. But until then I say good luck for all your personal endeavours and journeys, and I know that wherever life takes you this year will be a complete exciting, scary and amazing adventure. To the boys of the trip – your friendship with each other is something extraordinary to witness; you care beyond and beneath the surface of being “just a mate”, and more so as people who are actually invested and involved in each others personal lives. You are all seriously the warmest, welcoming and most friendliest guys I know.

And that pretty much sums up the past week I had experienced. But, before I go I must ask one more thing of you reader.

Right now in this very moment I plead with you to express an immense gratitude and recognition to the close friends you have, or maybe even to the ones that you have just met. Time is not something you can run from, it is something you run with. It will never truly be on your side so grab it by the hand and go with it. Send a simple message, a letter or the best surprise yet – your physical presence.

Go create sparks. 

MATCHSTICKS If that philosophical “god-like” figure from up above looked down at me this past week, this is what he would have seen; a young woman in a small car on the highway racing parallel to a delicious fairy-floss coloured sky, her heart pounding in sync with the souls she shared her company with, their hearts too beating to this unexplainable magical drum.