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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

Text

Ardor

"I hate to say it, but I think is the end for the Hassaikai." Chrono said as you walked close to both mens and changed looks of worry to the child on the white haired man. Frowning at the fear she carried and at the man with the jacket on your front.

You couldn't ever be considered a hero, but neither a villain... You were more of a.. agent. The young head of the Shie Hassaikai, Overhaul, only knew you as (Y/n). Young, passionate and most important to him: a true loyal to the Hassaikai, maintaining your trust to him and only him.

You grimaced each time where your mind remembered you that you actually were working for Sir. Nighteye agency for years... you used your true name and were commanded by your boss to get infiltrated on the mafia for about five years.... you had to stay and gain the previous boss's trust and it wasn't that difficult... but the most annoying yet worth part was to get his adopted son and successor's trust.

"(Y/n)?"you gasped and looked away from eru to see one gold eye staring at you over his shoulder "Dont get your emotions over your head, this way we wont be able to achieve out goal..."

'Our goal'... ever since this man developed feelings for you he always talked like that. At first you were repulsed but... eventually it happened what you prayed to heavens to not happen... You actually started liking him...

Getting to know his past, him lowering his walls to see that, on his mind, he is only trying to get the yakusa on a respectful place again, fulfill Pops dream and cure the world on his own way... you had the informations needed, but you refused to tell anything about Chisaki past to Sir, bubble girl or even Lemillion... that was way personal and seeing the cruel and cold man actually cry over his hatred of his own quirk was painfull...

You had hoped after Kai was alerted by the heroes that he would put you to along to fight along with the eight precepts of death... This way you could just show to the heroes your identity and get the fuck out... but no. Kai decided to order that both Chrono and you come with him to escape along with the girl you just wished the heroes just alsnatched away from him and ended this madness.

Chisaki as soon as he noticed you had a way of words with Eri, begrudily he gave you the work to take care of her... for a bit of time.

Your tears got mixed with Eri's ones at nights...

The worst part was the guilt. You actually llcame to love the man Chisaki hidded from everyone else, but despised Overhaul for not following pops morals and doing such a thing to Eri.

Grimacing, you remember how it went your first day as a infiltrated...

"So you want to join the Shie Hassaikai?" The elder asked in shock as you stood in front of his deck, sweating at the feather glare the younger dark brow haired man gave to you as soon a dyou even steeped inside.

"Y-Yeah.." you sighed, a finger lightly stroking your cheek in nervousness "I'm sorry if I appeared out of no where and with such a high request..."

"You should be." You flinched at the male voice as the elder scolded him.

"Well, I dont see why not after what telling me. What is your quirk again young one?" The elder showed his palm at you and you gulped when you felt golden orbs narrowing at his place.

You took a breath before one pair of bright white wings grew on your back.

"The name is angel. Not only I have those wings, but with a simple touch and time I can cure someone's deep ir minor wound... the inly bad point is that if I use the cure I cant use my wings to fly and vice versa..." The elder widened his eyes while observing your wings in awe.

"Such a marvelous quirk..."

"Not quite." You giggled, a hand on your neck "Is pretty annoying to be honest and I would rather not have at all."

"That so?" You let out a confused sound before looking at the sorce of the question. The man whose was looking like he was about to kill you, now had his arms crossed but with eyes filled with interest despite the stoic expression.

"Uh... yeah? I mean. Quirks actually gave the humanity some trouble so..." you smiled in awkwardness "I would rather at least see how people and society worked without it.. like, a quirkless person was considered normal some time..."

"... I see." His arms uncrossed and got into his pockets as he stared at you before the elder let out a chuckle.

"I guess you already are welcome kid. By now this brat would beat the shit out of you if you didn't impress me or him." You let out a shriek as the man deadpanned and scoffed.

"... welcome to the Hassaikai." And with that the man left the office.

"(Y/n), please forgive me sucessor's behaviour." You turned to him and making your wings curl up in your back and crawl back inside you "He takes this place and our work very seriously.. and I hope you take as well, I will let you know that we dont tolerate traitors."

"I want all of my fingers with me." You giggled making the elder snort.

"Very well, your ritual of welcoming will be tommorow by six. That young man you saw there will make you some company since I saw that he took quite a liking on you. His name is Chisaki Kai."

You knew that already but only nodding. Leaving the Hassaikai and after a few blocks away you pressed the device on your ear.

"You have to work a bit harder to get their actual trust, doesn't matter how ling it takes we need to see what is going on inside those walls agent (L/n)."

"Understood sir..."

You could only be thankfull thhat you entered before Nemoto or else your undercovers would be failed and probably you would be dead by now...

Your ears picked up panting and immediately your wings spreaded out, Eri gasping as your two companions stopped walking.

"You sensed something?" Chrono asked and before you could answer, the blond who worked in the same agency as yours appeared.

"Lemillion.." you whispered, half in relief and half terrified.

"I'm here to rescue that girl..." Mirio panted, clenching with two fingers his cape as a signal he recognized you but not blowing your undercover...

Great kid, not get out with Eri already... run. Run for your life Mirio-!

"Now that you know thhe situation you're putting your hero mask huh?" He sighed before opening his eyes again "Mr. Student..."

"Overhaul.. is still a kid." You whispered and he only lifted his palm, a sign you got for you to be quiet for your own good.

Nemoto and Deidoro will be here soon and you couldn't even alert the kid!

"You should be more carefull..." you muttered while using your quirk on one of the injuries on Rappa's arm. "You know how master Overhaul is not someone to mess with..." you sighed as Kendo scoffed, punching his own hand.

"I will get him next time!"

"I doubt that..." you gasped at hearing his voice "(Y/n), you shouldn't be wasting energy with a piece of trash..."

"Say that one more time on my face OVERKERK-" the man stooped when you got up and glared at him.

"Go Rappa." The man scoffed and muttered curses, leaving both of you alone. Just when you were about to leave you heard his footsteps getting closer to you. "Mhn? Need something? Chisaki-kun?"

"Actually I just came here to... talk." You let out a confused sound before snickering.

"You took a liking on me huh?"

"... what if I did?" He arched one of his eyebrows up and soon you remember that not even if Chisaki wanted he could lie very well... at least inside the house.

Oh...

"Uh.. I-I dont know what to say.." you smiled as Chisaki nodded, crossed arms over his chest as he opened them slowly.

"Despite having a quirk, you seem to be the only person I dont see a problem talking to, neither... having any hives on when you accidentaly brush your skin against mine." He chuckled at your shocked expression "So I just wanted to spill this pain out of mt chest is bothering my work after all. Resume, I'm not as disgusted by your presence then the others."

You stared at him as he walked away before you called his name. Him looking at you over his shoulder with a hint of curiosity behind those nonchantly eyes.

"I dont feel disgusted by your presence as well." You smiled as his eyes went a bit wide before scoffing, giving his back to you as he waved.

What a weird guy...

"CHISAKI!"

You widened your eyes at Mirion literally apearing out of no where, managing to both kick Chrono's literal fucking face and cause a minor cut on Chisaki's cheek. You shriek and grabbed Eri, spreading your wings to fly above the males with her in your arms.

"(Y/n)-san... he will kill him! He will kill you!" Your eyes were wide as the girl clinged on your shirt for dear life as while watching the scene from above.

"(Y/N)-SAN!" Lemillion shouted over at you as your blood ran cold, no! nO! NO! "GET ERI-CHAN TO SAFETY!"

Shit was about to hit the fan and you couldn't do nothing about it!

"... how does he know your name..?" You flinched and looked down at golden eyes filled with actual shock and anger towards you and the girl in your arms "Angel?"

You felt your eyes burn at his look.

"Y-You.. can't actually be serious.." you whispered in horror when he finished his plan...

"That is the only way to bring the Hassaikai out of the shadows." He sighed, looking at you and getting in front of you "Can't you see? With that girl's quirk we can make it happen. We can rule the underworld market." He grabbed on your shoulders as you tried your best to not to tremble "I can even cure you... you always said you didn't liked having those angel's wings..."

That was actually true... yet his plan was insane! Terrible, horrible monstrous you name it! Yoh meet the girl when Chisaki called you along to Pops meeting...

On those years you had stabilise a actual relationship with Kai... your worst mistake so far in your mission... you literally ruined the mission when you notice that you actually cared for him...

"K-Kai... is a child no less... Boss's granddaughter! H-He-"

"He will understand in one way or another." His eyes literally were gleaming in happines... hell, only you were able to see such a look with more frequency and you despised for loving it.

Tears started to form in your eyes as you tried your best to not let him notice, but he did...

He always did..

"... despite you not having your wings." He wiped one tear out of your face, even getting so far by touching foreheads "You will still be my angel..."

You gulped, how can a man whose was planning to take a girl's blood to make bullets be so fucking caring and loving to you?! How?!

"Kai p-please..." you sobbed "This will not end well..." you so desperately was trying to make his mind... if he did that then you surely would end up getting against him by force due to your job! You couldn't let him do this and ruin his own life with it!

You.. you couldn't bear to see him behind bars or even worse... killed by a hero... or let him even discover that you were a fucking agent!

You couldn't bear to even imagine the betrayed look he surely would give to you...

"It will end okay. We will be on a word without sickness (Y/n)." He pulled you to his chest making you gasp "As long as I have you my dear, I will end up well. After all, I couldn't ask for a better and precious angel like yourself."

His words sting... badly. You wanted so desperately to not catch feelings... and now you just wanted to die because you couldn't just betray him or dissapear...

"I dont have any children." You widened your eyes and shouted at the top of your lungs.

"KAI NO!"

It was too late, he used the overhaul and and the concrete formed into spikes and plataforms went towards Mirio as Eri clinged onto you tighter.

"AND YOU!" you gasped and dodged a spike, aimed to destroy your wings "HOW DARE YOU EVEN TO CALL ME THAT AFTER WHAT YOU DID?!"

You cried but maintained strong while dodging and flying away from his attackers, protecting the girl on your arms at all cost as Lemillion dodged Chisaki attacks.

"AFTER EVERYTHING I TOLD YOU-!" You screamed when a wave of concrete chased you only for you to do a backflip and get away from his attack "AFTER SEING ME AT MY WORST-!"

You shield Eri with one of your wings and hissing at the little spikes of concrete getting stuck on it.

"WAS THAT ALL A PLAN?! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?!" You looked at him and widened your eyes at seing the state he was, messy hair, hives on all of his body as he attacked you with all anger you never saw once in your years living with him. "I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND YOU PAY ME BACK WITH THIS FUCKING BETRAYAL?!"

You didn't blamed him.

You landed on the ground after dodging more of his attacks, getting to look at him while protecting Eri with one hand on her head and the other supporting her body.

"I TRIED TO TELL YOU! I TRIED TO PREVENT THIS ALL HAPPENED KAI! " You cried but he slammed his hand on the wall harshly.

"YOU LIED TO ME (Y/N)! AND STIP CALLING ME THAT! THAT'S NOT MY NAME ANYMORE!" you clenches your jaw before flying away from his attack one more time.

"Entering~" you sighed in a sing tone before seing Kai sitting on his bed, crunched over and staring at his hands "Uh? Kai?"

He muttered something so shakily you didn't even get to understand as you closed the door behind you in worry.

"Ne ne? I didn't hear you wel-" you stopped and widened your eyes at seing Kai actually fucking trembling, looking at his hands in horror and anger..

"He didn't listened... he refused..." he muttered under his breath before brabbing at his temples and glaring at the ground "I tried! I tried to make him understand and he didn't listened!"

Yojr eyes widened in horror getting that "him", was Pops... today Kai had told you he was going to explain the plan to the man... and you knew it very well that Pops opinion mattered a lot to him, yet he got actually hurt when the elder denied his offers or ideas...

"Hey.." you cooed, sitting down and asking silently if you could hug his shoulders as he continue trembling, surprinsinglu leaning onto you "Don't worry, you can figure it out another plan..."

"Dearest... I.. I didn't wanted to... but he didn't listened..." he spoke between teeth and you sighed, cupping his cheeks and making him look at you, a sense of calm and peace washed over his eyes as his breath started to calm down again "Is that part of your..?"

"No.. I just happen to know my boyfriend is all.." you smiled as he sighed, holding one of your hands there. "What... happened..?"

You wish you hadn't asked... when he explained the whole situation your eyes widened as you tried your best to remain calm.

"... he will see." He muettered, more calm than usual as he interlocked his fingers with yours "Is for the better anyway."

"Y-Y-You know I can-"

"No. Your quirk is unable of reaging his brain back to put him out of a coma. Dont even think about it."

This was getting out of control... everyday you tried to change his mind but it took time to convince Chisaki. But seems like you werent fast enough..

"I dont blame you of being scared of me... you can leave if it is your wish."

You gritted your teeth together before letting out the smallest of the sobs before hugging his neck. Causing him to jump in shock and had his arms stood awkwardly in the air.

"If I didn't know you like I do I would leave..." you sniffled "But that's not the case..."

You could leave but your heart spoke louder at the time... damn him.

You eventually got chances of who was protecting Eri, but just when Mirio had the cake to distract both of them, Nemoto had to just appear and shot the towards Eri.

And mirio was going to throw himself at the way to just protect her.

"TOGATA DON'T!" You shouted but it was too late... but even quirkless the kid fought Chisaki as you crawled Eri in your arms and shield both of you with your wings.

The look of hatred and hurt Chisaki would throw at you now at then absolutely breaked you as you hugged Eri tighter...

"I'm sorry (Y/n)-san! Is all my fault!" The child cried on your arms as you shushed her the best you could even if you were shaken up.

"Is not your fault sweety, a bunch of people came here to take you out of this hell.." just when you spoke Mirion appeared beaten up and you cried, you couldn't even use your cure becaus eyou knew you had to have your wings.

"Mirio!" You cried, grabbing him when he fell on his back and cursing at the injury... now you da to protect both of these kids.

"... onne of my biggest mistakes I always thought it was to fall for you.." You lifted your head with tears in your eyes. He only looked so... hurt, beaten up and hurt... and your cursed yourself for feeling this more than the two kids in your arms.

"I dont want to kill you... you dont even deserve my energies."

"Kai.." you whimpered "I didn't lied to you..!"

"That's." He crouched down "NOT MY NAME ANYMORE!" he slammed his hands on the ground... you gasped, shielding you three with tour wings and closing your eyes at the impact... only to notice the spikes were aiming at you, but stopped in mid air.

You looked at him and could see that he... actually didn't wanted to kill you nor even injure not even your wings. the man you came to love was painting while glaring at you.

“WOULD YOU SERIOUSLY DIE FOR THIS BRATS?! (Y/N)?!” your teras fell on the ground as your gazes were locked.

“I would die for you too... I didn’t wanted this to happen because I KNEW this was going to happem..” You sobbed while hugging Eri tighter in order to protect her “But you didn’t listened...”

He seemed to slow down his movements until they barged in... your boss and the heroes. With one blink Overhaul was back as you and Sir still protected as a green haired kid fought agaisnt Chisaki.

“You’re telling me no one even said “i live you” your WHOLE LIFE?!” You almost screamed as Kai deadpanned, papers still on his hands as he stared at you.

“Is just three words for Godness sake...” you huffed at his ablant answer before smirking, getting behind him and showing your wings to surround bor him on his chair and you. “What is this? Did you even washed those today?”

“Yes sir.” You giggled, flapping your wings a bit to get upside down on his front without disturbing what he was doing as he only gave you a look.

Sometimes you forgot about the undercover work... your emotions getting the better of you when around Chisaki... all the times.

“Is it wrong of me to quite enjoy this particular pet name?” You giggled while lowering his mask carefully down his chin to reveal a handsome smirk adoring his lips.

“Whaaat? Love bear and Captain cookie isn’t one of your favorites?” You laughed at the flip he gave to your foreheads

“Absosutely not. Disgusting even.”

“Well, my capoo you dont seem to mind it.” You rubbed your forehead, getting flustered when you felt his hand carresing theback of your head and bringing close to him.

“I don’t. Surely.” you blinked before giving a lovely smile back at him

“So you won’t mind me saying “ I love you” then?” the scene in front of you will ever be mesmerized on your mind. Kai blushing almost crinsom red with wide golden eyes at you.

He scoffed, looking away from you as you whined.

“Heyyy! Say it back!”

“Give me a break woman.” He sighed while playfully pushing your face away.

“SAY IT BACK!!!!” you didn’‘t missed his chuckle while holding your upside down face away from him as you shaked your arms in vain to try to slap him.

Go on you both.” You got Lemillion up before spreading your wings “Protect her with the best you can, Lemiliion!”

Things coulnd’t be worse.. Chisaki had fused with Nemoto and was fighting agaisn’t sir with all his forces.. You flew and dodged the many concretes and spikes on there befre you widened yours eyes at the scene. Sir with his quirk activated as Chisaki went to attack him.

No! If Chisaki killed a hero his penalty on Tartarus would be worse than already will be!

Your body moved on your own, your wings helped you fly faster as you extended your hands towards your boss and just secongs it seemed like it was in slow motion... The spike right on your front, golden orbs widening at you entering the way as your hands pushed Sir. Nighteye out of the way and-

“(Y/N)!” both your boss and Chisaki shouted at the same time, one secong before the spike pierced your flesh and got through your body.. making you gag and cough blood.. wings falling at your sides as you fell.

“I.. I didn’t-!” The hero shouted in horror “This wasn’t what I saw!”

“Future... not always... can be seen...” Your body gave out, and when you were expecting to met the floor, a pair of gigantic and monstrous arms grabbed you. “K...K-Kai?”

“Why, Why did you do this?” he asked in venom, potentionally using the quirk of Nemoto, you ggigled.

You had nothing left to hide anyway...

“If you k-killed a hero... your sentence.. would b-be wo-worse..” You coughed and he grimaced, his hands grabbing you tighter as one of your wings shot up to prevent a bullet to hit him as he widened his eyes at your faint hiss.

“You.. You-”

“Kai... I.. was a agent... infiltrated a-at the yakusa ever s-since.. I met you... so-sorry... I sho-should have l-left...”

“THEN WHY DIDN”T YOU?!” his wrathful eyes soften in horror as he saw you giggle, blood spilling from your lips as you stared up above with empty eyes.

“Be...because... I-I fell in lo-love with you... Chisaki Kai... Not.. Overhaul.. I love you, Kai.” His eyes widened in realization, Nemoto’s quirk was activated... you weren’t..” Heh.. ne-never lied about that... is always impressive.. seing your shocked face...Kai...” Your wings that were shielding you both fell on the ground as your vision was starting to fade.

“Hang on!” he was about to use his quirk until he saw your hands weakly pushing one of his gigantic ones away “Wht are you-?!”

“Don’t.. make me a second... v-version of Rappa... will you? I.. don’t deserve it... after all...” your gaze slowly fade as Chisaki shaked your shoulders desperately, shouting, begging even for you to not close your eyes “H-hey..?”

He felt your cold hand graze of his beak and reach his cheek.

“C-Can you... at least... say it back?” you smiled at the tears falling on your face as wide golden eyes stared down at you.

he sluttered your name as you frowned..

“Pl.. please...?” your hand start to slide down as he grabbed with one of his four hands to keep it there.

“(Y/n).. I lo-!” he couldn’t even finish his sentence as he saw the life draining out of your eyes and your wings giving a last spasm...

He couldn’t eve hear anyoney else... all he did was let out a monstrous and loud shout while his own goal was to kill every hero which was stepping on there.

Fuck the Hassaikai, screw the bullets and his project... Screw everything!

His only love died on his hands because of the fucking heroes, this fucking job of yours whose caused all of this.

Now, he just wanted to watch everyone on there die by his hands...

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #kai chisaki x reader #kai chisaki #overhaul #bnha fanfics #bnha fanfictions #bnha villains x reaader #bnha x reader #oof-#let it the rain drop!#zuffer writings

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chlodani · 4 years

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This is the sequel to my first Zuko X F! Reader pairing smau.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of car accident. Revenge. Also mature. If you are sensitive to that kind of thing, you're warned ahead of time. Read at your own risk. . .

After the car accident and problems she had with her friends, Y/n, gets to experience what it's like to be a mother and have a family of her own. And finally live of life she's always wanted, but is it really all fun and games?

Beginning Special Edition Part 9. . .

Chloe's P.O.V.

I took in a deep breath as stood with my friends in the room I was getting ready for my wedding in.

"Dont worry Y/n, you look stunningly beautiful," Suki said to me encouragingly.

"And Zuko's gonna think so to," Sapphire told me as she finished up with my hair.

I wanted my hair down, but the girls thought I should at least have it styled in some form. So, this is what I did:

I turned to face them.

"Its not that, - it's just - I cant believe that today is - my wedding day - And after everything I've been through with Zuko, I never thought it would be him," I said to them.

I could feel my heart racing faster than it should.

"You know if I'm being honest, I always knew you and Zuko would end up together," Toph said to me.

"You did?" I asked her a slight bit confused.

"Yeah, I mean it was always so obvious that you and Zuko were in love - I honestly think the only people that couldn't see I were you two. I'm blind and I could just tell in own you both acted," she explained to me.

I sighed softly with a smile. In times like this, I'm glad I have friends like them.

"Now, - Are you ready to go make Zuko your forever man?" Suki asked me with a smile.

I took in another breath before I looked at her.

"I think so," I replied nervously.

🔥 🔥 🔥

I stood by my father, Treyton Octavius Jones, ready for him to give me away to Zuko. At least I think I'm ready.

"Well, baby girl are you ready?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I think so," I answered nervously.

"Good, - Because I'm not," he stated.

I chuckled softly.

"Wow, leave it to you dad to make me even more nervous on my wedding day,"

"I'm sorry sweetheart, - I'm just - I dont think I'm ready to give you away yet,"

"Well, you kind of have to,"

"Dont remind me,"

I just continued to smile. I sighed as Dad put his hand over mine, which rested on his inner arm. He started to walk me out of the room. Walking me outside to the aisle, everyone turned around to look at us. I could feel myself starting to shake a little as I looked towards Zuko. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I confidently walked with my dad down the aisle - to Zuko. As I stood before him, all Zuko could do was smile at me. My dad stood in front of me placing a gentle kiss to my cheek, before placing my hands in Zuko's. He looked directly into Zuko's eyes.

"You better make sure you take care of my baby girl," he told Zuko sternly.

"Of course sir, - your daughter will be safe with me," Zuko said to him.

"She better be,"

My dad's voice sounded threatening.

"Dad!"

He smiled before kissing my forehead and going to his seat. Iroh cleared his throat.

"Well, - good evening everyone - I am so glad all of you could make it to see my nephew and his true love get married. - Uh, - As you can I kind of ill prepared for today - When my nephew came to be and asked me if I would marry him and Y/n, I was deeply honored, but I was also terrified. - I've never done anything like this before and I honestly didnt know what to say, but my nephew, and his beautiful fiance encouraged me, - And gave me much confidence - I believe as you know we are gathered here today to witness these two become one by promising themselves to each other for the rest of their lives - And I believe as Y/n has said, you two have written your own vows? -"

"Yes, we have," I stated.

"I am surprised you were able to get my nephew to agree to this - I am assuming Y/n is going first?"

"You assume correct," I told him.

"You may begin, -"

I took in a soft breath before looking at Zuko.

"Zuko, - You and I, have been through hell together, ever since we were kids. We've fought together, we've lost together, we've won together, we've made a family together - Honestly if it wasn't for them, you and I probably wouldn't even be doing this right now. And I know love brings people together - And I truly believe it was the love our friends had for us being together that brought us here. You are literally the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn't - I wouldn't ask for anyone better. I promise you, that I will spend everyday loving you, being there for you, whenever your sick, or just depressed I'll be there. I will never leave your side, from this day forward, we're partners for life and I wouldn't have it any other way,"

Zuko looked like he had tears in his eyes. He closed his eyes for a split second taking in a deep breath. Upon opening his eyes he looked directly into mine.

"Y/n, everything we've been through together, has taught me something very important. Its taught me to cherish the people I have in my life and to speak out my true feelings, because if not it'll be too late." I almost lost you in that car accident and I didnt know what to do with myself. I was angry with myself, because I blamed me for what happened to you. I was afraid our friends blamed me to. But I later found out I was wrong about that. I didnt want to imagine my life without you. Everyday I spent at that hospital, was a day I hoped you would get better, so I could tell you I love you and how sorry I really was. But then you woke up and you didn't remember me. I thought my life was over. I didnt want to go on knowing the woman I loved had no idea who I was and couldn't love me back. The day your memory returned, that was the happiest day of my life. And that's because you finally remembered me. You remembered how you felt about me, but I was also afraid you were p*ssed at me. To know you weren't, made my heart skip. I knew that day was the day I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. There was no question to it after that. - Y/n, I promise from this day forward I will spend everyday showing you how much I love you and our baby. I will take care of you when your sick, and I'll take care of the baby when they're sick. I promise myself to you for the rest our lives. Nothing and no one will ever change my mind. From this day forward you're my partner for life and I wouldn't want it to be anyone else,"

Zuko put his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. Iroh sniffed wiping tears from his eyes.

"I told my nephew I wouldn't be able to get through this without crying. I was hoping I was wrong, but naturally I'm never wrong about stuff like that -"

A soft chuckle left everyone.

"Fire Lord Zuko, do you take Y/n, Y/m/n, Y/l/n, to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love her for all eternity? Take care of her in sickness and in health? And be with her until death do you part?"

Zuko looked directly into my eyes. He took my hand, locking our fingers together. I couldn't stop the smile that formed on my lips.

"I do," Zuko spoke softly.

My heart raced even faster.

"And Y/n, do you take Zuko to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him for all eternity? Take care of him in sickness and in health? And be with him until death do you part?"

I looked directly into Zuko's eyes.

"I do," I spoke.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife - you may now -"

I could hear the tears behind Iroh's voice.

"You may now kiss the bride,"

Iroh let the tears fall as Zuko held me closer. He leaned his forehead on mine.

"I love you Zuko,"

"I love you too Y/n,"

Zuko connected our lips. Everyone around us started to clap. Honestly all I could hear was Iroh crying. It's so hard not to love that man.

Taglist:

@cece-lives-here

@sokkas--boomerang

@la-lay

@cuddlykoala101

@zukochi

@mochminnie

@theblueslytherin

@coldlilheart

@coconutsaiyan

@rosestyles69

@juniperwoodwell

@crazylokonugget

@fanficflaneuse

@dailytrashypanda

@pillowpandas5

If you want to be apart of the taglist message me or reply. I'd be happy to add you

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ihavenoconsistentname · 5 years

Text

Ok actual vent-ish time

Not really a vent more of a ramble about something that just happened but I'll label it vent-ish anyway

So! 👏

All good things have an end, all things in GENERAL have an end-

Eh fuck it

Jamie and I broke up

This morning I got a text on discord and I saw oh it's from Jamie and immediately saw oh it's a long message and reading the notif I was like ah I know what's coming—and this was the thing I mentioned way earlier—I actually didnt feel a wave of anxiety like I thought I would, but that's probably because I've been anticipating it for a while internally. Not that I wanted it to happen?? Its just I've been expecting it to happen because our relationship had some issues, namely communication, and this is all on me. Now, I know people will say oh it's bad to just blame yourself for everything but in this case: shush, shut up. I literally have full reason to blame myself because it really is my fault!! This isnt me blaming myself, it's me owning up to my mistakes, there's a difference.

Now, in this one year we had been together, and yeah it's only one year because we're 13 so—we kind of drifted apart for a few reasons. 1. He changed schools so we couldn't see each other irl (his parents? Hate me- I'm trans so they hate me, they think him being trans is stupid or bad and act like I influenced him and it's a trend or some shit ITS NOT!! But that's not the point here) which contributed to problem 2, which was that we missed each other too much and couldn't do anything about it so we both were upset by that. 3, and this is the main problem, we didnt talk a lot. We dont talk enough anymore because it's hard. I used my poor social skills as an excuse and that was bad of me, I should have tried harder to really talk to him. But I didnt, I didnt try hard enough, and we suffered from that. He told me how he kept it to himself that he was kind of upset seeing me have conversations with my friends and stuff yet I couldn't talk to him. And I'm glad he said that because it helped me really see how I fucked up, which I did. I was always afraid I would do something to hurt him and I did, I even failed to recognize it. Which was bad, of course. We both tried to contribute to the relationship, of course, but we just lacked the communication to keep it stable, and this was mostly on me.

Obviously, we havent lost any love or trust for each other, we just agreed maybe it cant work as a relationship anymore because we just lack the ability to keep it that way. This was his decision, and I let it be his decision, because I contributed to the problem so much more and it wasnt fair to him, so I let him choose what to do and I wanted him to do what would benefit him and his own mental health over mine, especially since it was his being harmed by it.

And theres no way in hell I could be upset with him, not after all he's done for me. He said it multiple times he was worried he would be hurting or upsetting me, but he didnt do that at all.

Hell, just the fact that he even gave me a chance. I'm an absolute mess. I'm a dumpster fire. I'm a problematic ball of anxiety and bad emotions. Yet he saw me and still let me try. He tried with me, and I tried with him. He let me do that. Barely anyone else would do that for me to that extent. He gave me a chance, and theres no way I could ever be mad at him after that. It means so much to me that he even tried.

But the thing that really matters to me is that this is what was best for him, and probably best for both of us since I wanted what was best for him. That's the important part. You'll see all these people "dating" other people at my age and they're just dating for the sake of dating. The majority of them either don't truly love each other like that or they're so loosely connected and do it for some other benefit. But you have to remember that a relationship takes effort from both people to keep it going, it takes mutual love and understanding and trust, it takes healthy communication—something ours sadly lacked. Without that, it really cant be a stable or good relationship, or there just isnt enough there to really call it one.

And even though it's over now, we're still friends. We refuse to stop loving each other even after this. We still have a strong connection with each other. That's how you know we really did try. And I'm glad we tried, because if he never gave me that chance in the first place, I might not have had such a driving force behind my existence and me still being here and alive. Even if we didnt talk much, he kept me stable. He was there as a reminder that I had something good in my life, that I had a reason not to die. And it kept me going long enough to see the other good things in my life. If he didnt do that for me, I could have been gone too soon to realize I had something.

He pretty much helped save my life and I can't thank him enough for that. I'm just so glad he gave me a chance.

#long post #vent-ish

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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Hi!! So this is an honest question so i hope it doesnt come off as rude or anything- but doesn't the thought that everything you post here can be reblogged make you more reserved or anything? Idk how to explain it but whenever i wanna post something here i think about doing it for a super long time to be sure i want it to possibly be on the internet forever- but i see you're comfortable with sharing pretty personal stuff so i was just wondering if it affected you any way or maybe it was just me?

lmaooo it’s cool!!! there’s an unending AMA going on here and off the top of my head i can’t think of anything off-limits to ask about

it’s definitely not just you!! out of the ppl i know off the top of my head i’m probably really far and away doing the Most airing my bullshit. if you ultimately don’t like the idea of stuff just kinda sitting around to be seen by Anyone, that’s valid and there’s no problem with feeling like that makes you wanna Not Post some stuff

like this is especially true for young teens on the soche media…hell i just entirely threw out the blog i’d had from like 14 -18, and not because i was particularly embarrassed or anything, it just felt mostly obsolete. you can become someone so different in even one year and that’s fine and you might not want Old Venting and the like just sitting around out there. it’s definitely okay to be real private about that kinda stuff

i know sometimes ppl having sorta Compromises where maybe they’ll create a second blog / account specifically for talking abt personal stuff, and then only maybe allow friends (or nobody) to access it; or people will just tag everything with Delete Later and then go back and delete it later so it’s not out there forever, or just because they find it embarrassing soon afterwards lol

for my part, there’s definitely multiple reasons i pretty much don’t care

1. i never used to Vent post back in the early days. but one of my earliest examples maybe was this sudden essay i dumped on my blog when i was 16? 17? abt how unhappy i was at home. it took me till i was 18 to really start to realize that what i’d always lived with was literally abuse, and it was things like The Sudden Venting Essay that really helped me put it all into words and be able to organize my thoughts enough to write about it and realize that there was a lottttt of shit i was rly miserable about2. ever since then really i’ve found that when i write about something, whether messaging it to someone or just posting it in general, a ton of times it helps me kinda make connections or figure something out or just feel like i have a better grasp on an idea.3. even after i started maybe doing the occasional venting post, for a long time i was really hesitant about it, but this was mostly b/c i felt like i didn’t have ~real~ enough problems and/or nobody would really care. as for the former, well yesterday i was saying how i still have this underlying feeling that i’m an imposter / don’t count / not REALLY as ___ as other people or whatever, so i’m still working on that, but it definitely doesn’t upset me as much as it might back in the day. re: the latter—tbh i dont care if nobody cares. i write abt personal shit b/c i care. my entire blog is About and Because i care, and if other people care, great, if they don’t, ok.4. a lot of this is about having compassion for myself. i don’t look down on other people for making personal posts, so i don’t look down on myself, either. 5. more self-compassion: there’s probably olden text posts from the early days of this blog that don’t even sound like me coz my Outer Demeanor has changed a lot these past 5 or 2 or 1 yrs. but even if i stumbled across some Old Post of mine and was like “lmfao whats up w THIS loser” it’s like….well, i’m sympathetic to my Earlier Selves. this applies to like, me never deleting Late Night Sad Posts or whatever (even tho nowadays they’re never exactly like i’m upset, maybe just Melancholy or in a mood to talk abt something saddish) coz i’m like, well, even though rn i don’t feel like i Need this post, back then i did feel like venting to feel better! and that’s fine. i don’t find that embarrassing. it’s like if you’re thirsty on one day and you drink some water and at some random point during the next evening when you’re not thirsty you think back on that time you were drinking water and you’re like “wow, embarrassing.” well clearly its not a perfect analogy but the point is sometimes you might feel you need to talk, and sometimes you don’t, and both times are ok. its not an embarrassment to have been upset6. this blog is the most personal thing in the world for me lmao its my Main social media presence, goes back five yrs, and for like. well the whole five years its been what keeps me from being way more isolated than i am. irl friends have been long distance this whole time (save a couple exceptions) and mostly my way to talk to ppl has been on here. this was especially important when i was at my parents house for a couple yrs. it was fairly awful and being able to be in touch w ppl and being able to SAY it was awful was clearly important, and i became more inclined to write abt shit rather than hold myself back b/c my being able to say anything was important7. i still talk about things b/c being able to say anything here to people in the outside world is important8. i can’t be like “i cant talk abt this b/c its not important/interesting enough” coz if i did i wouldn’t talk abt anything. i just write b/c i have things to say, and this is my pointless blog9. i don’t expect i’ll ever become Well Known in any circles. for me the more likely concern is kinda disappearing either due to dying or incarceration or some other shit scenario. the times i talk on here are good b/c that hasnt happened yet and i have the option10. even if i did become well known, i don’t really care.11. also for uh…all the times i was living in my parents house thru my life i was really really isolated. for eons i was used to nobody knowing shit abt me and keeping p much all my thoughts to myself. nowadays this blog is what lets me be able to sorta Known and Seen and able to get in touch w ppl if we wanna. basically, there’s nothing TOO personal. i’m not even trying to push myself to “overshare” coz like i said, p much nothing is offlimits. i’ve just had a lifetimes worth of being very invisible and unknown to anyone12. actually i can still be very cagey abt myself in person. learning to be more open On Here is a bit helpful for that. 13. idk that anyone else would give a shit about old vent posts from me either. when i talk abt me im talking abt *me*, its really not even vaguely interesting when removed even one degree from that specific context. 14. maybe there’s the chance some shit will happen to be Relatable to other ppl and somehow helpful to them15. for example, a lot of how i realized i was actually experiencing abuse for real was thru anecdotal / qualitative posts abt it. sometimes there’s shit you think is Just You only b/c nobody else who it applies to is talking about it yknow16. maybe making it seem less a big deal to talk abt your bullshit if i unapologetically talk abt my bullshit17. i remember my younger self feeling like i didnt ~deserve~ to talk abt my own thoughts & feelings the way other ppl did coz mine weren’t as good, so i kinda do it for them / in celebration of no longer feeling that way18. i actually like to talk. i just usually can’t. irl i very very very very rarely talk at length about myself, i don’t talk much at all. for me this is where i get to talk19. hmm i may have skipped or forgotten something obvious but hey. for now, there’s this. no-limits milo they call me

#long post ///

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ithisatanytime · 4 years

Text

GIve me a break, this is like the fifth day in a row i have been up well over 24 hours ok. some of you are gonna hate what i talk about here, but i just want you to acknowledge something, i didnt come to these conclusions because i was personally hateful towards any grouping of people, i came to it by accident while studying biology, a major lifelong passion of mine, straight up, i just wanted to learn about frogs and shit, but i kept running into brick walls as my interest in biology grew broader, why cant i learn about this? why isnt anyone trying to figure this out? the experiment would be easy to set up, and the answer is important so why cant we talk about it?

at first i thought the answer was politeness, and i probably could have gone my whole life believing that and been much happier as a result, if i didnt have an innate passion for learning about this stuff, but i do, so i didnt. years and years of further study, into what this thing is that i was perceiving, thats pulling a shroud over vast swathes of information, what could it be?

oh fuck its jewish people. even with the proof right in front of my face, i denied it for two full years, even when proof slapped me in the fucking mouth every single day for two years, i wouldnt except it. the last thing i could cling to was there was no believable method of action, i could hardly believe that jews all met in some shady building somewhere and plotted together about how they were gonna stick it to the gentiles. i could CLEARLY SEE that the people motivating, and funding this massive web of lies were almost always jewish, WAYYY beyond the scope of my confirmation bias, remember at this time i was trying hard not to believe that, anything but fucking THAT! right, i grew up training to join the army someday, i read book after book about world war 2, we were the good guys, hitler was gassing millions of people! we saved them! not to mention a literal lifetime of propaganda depicting people who hold racial views as the villian every time, that got easier to let go of once the heros started being racist as fuck towards white people, and the media and colleges were basically like “kill whitey”, it was a jarring about face. and then i found former professor of psychology at the university of california kevin macdonalds book culture of critique,

i was already familiar with group identity dynamics, and Macdonald masterfully proofs (over and over, relentlessly) that judaism is a group evolutionary strategy, and on some level its instinctual for them to sabatoge their larger host population. i cant begin to do the book justice, each chapter basically starts with an assertion or a theory or a question, and then its just paragraph after paragraph of proofs with tons of mainstream sources sited. after i finished reading it the first time, i sought out the best argument against his book, and my god it was fucking terrible. the guy pinker accused macdonald of cherry picking, which if you read the book, its a ludicrous charge, macdonald responded and eviscerated this guys “critique” they back and forthed for a while, with pinker sticking mostly to his original erroneous charge, it was literally like he didnt even understand the thesis of the book, it was embarrassing. he later admitted to not having read the book, and then was heavily implicated in the EpSTEIN child molestation ring. you know, the one where mossad paid Epstiein to black male americas rich and powerful by taping them fucking underaged prostitutes he hired? that epstein (man who gives a FUCK if he committed suicide or was murdered!?) obviously that doesnt have any bearing on his argument i just thought it was funny to mention, if you think im lying look up steven pinker right now. the rest of the “critiques” of kevin macdonalds books arent even worth talking about, i considered just pasting them into this post but its already long as hell and interesting to no one else but me so ill spare you, the short version is they just called him an anti-Semite or a white supremacist, or that he had cooties or whatever the fuck else people call people who are telling the truth and they want them to stop. after that it was over for me, the book just lays it all out, the whole history of it, but more importantly the mechanism of it. jews arent some hive mind (no shit) they are just humans, they arent a monolith, they disagree, but they also do conspire, and its literally in their DNA to do exactly what they are doing here, LIE mainly, but they are only lying so they can steal, which is what they have been doing since long before you were born. again, not all jews, and not all responsible for this fucking mess are jewish, but the mess itself is distinctly jewish, its got a little hat on and everything. our country looks the way it does, is dysfunctional in this very specific way, due to massively disproportionate jewish influence.

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park-loins · 7 years

Note

I'm gonna go reread all your fanfics starting with Jammed. I'll report back later ✌ - the anon with too much time on their hands

I CAN’T BELIEVE U REALLY DID THAT wow drink some water stay hydrated buddy~

Asks 2-23 from ur adventure below the cut, and i think tumblr ate some but that does not shock me.

2) Goddamn it Loins, I didn't even get the E.L James reference until I reread the first quarter of Jammed, goddamn it I didn't even know who E.L James was until now and I'm completely shook this is why I reread things ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (2/?)

o yeah Kim Taehyung’s novel absolutely KILLED the ‘bored with my marriage wine moms’ demographic

3) 😏😏😏✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (3/?)

4) "author, sex god, part-time bee keeper" is my new Tinder description✌-The Anon with too much time on their hands

SHIT THAT’S SO GOOD THOUGH, i’d swipe right, hard right.

5) Yoooo, I can't believe that Jammed was your first BTS fanfiction, Loins. It was so good, and it was better the second time around! Okay, on to Reprise. I can't wait to weep at fuck'o'clock in the AM like the first time ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (5/?)

Ahhh thank u man! U know what I get really insecure about Jammed sometimes and I want to go back and change it, but it is what it is. And it got me publishing again! Which was the important thing. It felt so good to publish.

6) Yoooo the notes on the first chapter of Reprise thooo. Damn, first time noticing that ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (6/?)

Oh me being a creepy child? Yeah I walked around the house calling “mommy, MOMMY” and mom was like ‘what’ and i was like ‘no, my REAL mommy,’ the proceeded to describe the death of my former family! i, for one, am surprised and grateful she did not ditch me on a deserted mountaintop.

7) And people say smut can't be soft...but also...😏😏😏 ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (8/?)

aww u know what... i’m gonna have to write some soft stuff in the future... i haven’t gone super soft n sweet since then and i think i should.

8) Yep, I'm getting emotions now. Thanks Loins, I needed those back. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (10/?)

9) Okay but, my shuffle starting playing 'How to Save A Life' by The Fray the MINUTE I got to reading the last Scene in Reprise™, and I'm feeling quite attacked, tbh ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (11/?)

oommgmgmgmgmgmgmmggmg

10) Is it too soon to bring up the "Oh look, I've been impaled" meme? ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (12/?)

YES IT CERTAINLY actually no u know what go for it, impaling is such a specific means of death u gotta take the shot when u have it.

11) Okay, that's Reprise done. I've successfully got through it without crying this time, cause my family's asleep. Time to get into Inc. Don't worry since Inc. is really long, I won't bother you as much. I think you kinda hate me right now, spamming your already full inbox ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (13/?)

I WAS REALLY ENJOYING GETTING THESE THO as i was like getting ready for work then throughout the day, it was so nice ilu

12) I will, and forever always believe, that Inc. is, and forever will be, one of THE most quotable fanfictions of our generation. Thank you and good day ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (14/?)

OKAY that means a lot, my family is SO big on quoting movies like that’s our sense of humor. In fact my sister has quoted inc. to me and then been like... hey what’s that from - cuz sometime we have so may references that we literally cant remember the origin- and i was like..... inc.

13) Me: *Reads the story of Murderers birth* Me "Wow, you could make a religion out of this" ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (15/?)

vmin at least made a HOLIDAY of it, that you can believe.

14) Yoongi: "The only plant that's ever had the misfortune of being mine died long before it ever had a chance to tell it's tale of woe" Me: Wow, that sounds like somebody else I know...*looks into the camera like on the Office* ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (16/?)

....ok SURE fine whatever inc. yoongi is 87% me

15) Maybe Hazelnut will be our always? ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (17/?)

akdjlkjglkjhl

16) "I was very drunk, the photos where on Jimin's phone-..." Wait, wHaT!? See y'all, this👏is👏why👏re👏reading👏is👏 important 👏, I didn't even notice that the first time I read Inc., fucking hell. ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (18/?)

o yeah o yeah i was planting those vmin seeds for YEARs

17) "Jin steps gingerly over Namjoon, who is face down on the floor, moaning miserably into an abandoned microphone" This scene is the main reason I wish that could draw good fanart ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (19/?)

i almost think that bad fanart of this scene would be better

18) You know how there's a shirt floating around that has the entire script to the Bee Movie on the back? I want that, but instead of the Bee Movie, I just want the entire Inc. fanfiction. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (20/?)

as long as “assplay” the 17 times i use it is in a slightly bigger font than EVERything else

19) Wow. A lot of shit went down in 2012. And we getting to the angsty, metaphorical shit, cause what else are you gonna get from a Minverse™ fanfiction? ✌ - The Anon with too much time on their hands (22/?)

i think i used 2012 as a reference year for crazy shit in paint too and i’m thinking about my 2012 and i’m like o yep. that’s why

20) Ah yes, the time when Loins decided to write a Christmas chapter in the dead of summertime. I ain't judging, anything for the story's sake ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands

CHRISTMAS is not a time of YEAR but a feeling in your HEArT, and also a great plot device

21) The first appearance Leash!Tae in Loins' ao3 fanfics. Honestly, what an amazing experience to read this again. I'm honored. ✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (23/?)

leash!tae was a lifechanging event in my real life and i’m just i’m so glad to insert it into my writing at any and every chance.

22) How dare you write some emotional-ass smut. Also I'm gonna stop sending these in after 30 so that I don't get your inbox so full 😗😙 I'm sure it's probably more than that cause I'm bad at tracking numbers, and I hope I got Anon on all of em.✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands (26/30)

‘nasty but emotional.’ MY new tinder bio

23) Can I just tell you something Loins? I'm a bit tipsy now, so don't judge, but you are so genuinely talented, it's sickening. Like, you talk about how your not that good at writing, but you could probably out write half of the people that's been on the NY Times Best Seller List. And you have such a good personality to top it off. I gotta stop sending asks now, sorry to end so suddenly, just know that I really appreciate what you're doing. 💓💓✌- The Anon with too much time on their hands

aw my dude... ur gonna make me emo but the good kind the just too many good and grateful emotions kind of emo.... that really means a lot man, idk if i’ll ever pursue writing outside of a fic context, but it make me feel SO nice to think even for a second that i could. anyway!! thank u for making my day, this was such a nice little distraction on an otherwise dull and shit day, and thank u for being so sweet n supportive n i really appreciate you!!!!

#my heart is so full ilu #dfn: replies #anon #not kpop #my fic shit #Anonymous

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lilulo-12fanfiction · 7 years

Text

Paladins Chapter 4

Author’s Note: Thank you for the follows and faves and reviews! I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors. I’m not having it beta’d and sometimes I miss some. Also- obviously not following the show to the tee. This chapter I kind of rearranged events because well it worked better for me this way. Enjoy! I promise to try to not have such a long period between chapters. I had the flu and was sick for a while on top of life getting in the way.

Cami deadpanned when she opened her door the next morning and Oliver was standing there holding coffee and what appeared to be breakfast. She walked away from the door without saying anything and he followed her in and kicked the door shut behind him.

“Cami-“ he started to speak but she held her hand up to stop him.

“Ollie we don’t have to do this okay?”

“Do what?”

“The song and dance where you beg me for forgiveness? Where I’m mad until you wear me down. I get it okay? We aren’t what we used to be. As much as we want to pretend that nothing changed in the 5 years you were gone. You’re hiding something. And for some reason you don’t want to tell me. Or feel like you can’t tell me. You don’t trust me anymore and that’s fine. But I cant do this. It hurts to know that you have this life that you’re shutting me out of and I have so much I’m dealing with. You just left me there yesterday, alone. You actually left and this is the first I’ve heard from you since.”

“I have no excuse for yesterday. We had a moment and it freaked me out a little bit. It opened up something that I haven’t been willing to accept because I’m a coward. There is so much that I want to tell you...I just...I can’t. You will never look at me the same. I’ll lose you for good and I cannot have you walk away from me.” She hadn’t seen him so upset before. She placed her hand on the side of his face. He was being sincere. She couldn’t stop herself. She leaned in and their lips touched for the briefest of moments and a pounding knock on her door jolted them apart. She walked back over to the door and barely had it open before Tommy barged in.

“He cut me off.” Was all he said as he pushed into the apartment.

“What?!”

“Our father- he cut off my inheritance. No warning.” Cami’s eyes went wide. She threw her bead back and groaned.

“I’m gonna go” Oliver stood. “Cam- can we get dinner tomorrow? Continue our conversation.” She nodded her head. He kissed her on the cheek and quickly exited the apartment.

A little while later she made the decision to follow Moira’s advice. She couldn’t take it anymore. She pulled her phone out and texted her assistant Romano while Tommy ranted. She had spoken to him last night about her plan. The two of them were close. He was like her life assistant. She decided to have Oliver followed. She had an idea of where he was spending his time after looking through the Queen Consolidated properties but she needed to be sure. She couldn’t stress the importance of not getting caught. She was positive John Diggle would not be gentle. Romano knew he couldn’t tell them anything if caught. She promised an amazing bonus if he caught a beating. She was confident that he would go unnoticed.

She let Tommy vent for a while longer and when he seemingly got it out of his system she was ready to interject. “Listen, Dad cutting you off like that was a real dick move. No arguments there. But at the same time you have to see why he did it. Tee, you have so much potential and because you’re more focused on making him pay for being a crap Dad to you, you’re wasting it. He should have talked to you first or at the very least warned you, something. But we will figure this out. You can stay with me until you figure out your next move.”

“I’m going to stay with Laurel” he admitted. She nodded not even slightly surprised. “But thank you for listening and thank you for the offer. I will figure this out. I was just pissed.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. “No matter how pissed off I am at you I’m always here. No matter what. We stick together.”

He pulled back and gave her a skeptical look. “So uhh what’s going on with you and Oliver? There was some heavy sexual tension when I got her.” She gagged.

“Never say sexual tension to me again. Nothing is going on” Tommy gave her a pointed look. “Okay fine I have no idea what’s going on to be honest.”

“Well it’s about time something happened. I mean you’ve been in love with him since you were like 3 years old.”

“I take it back. You can’t stay here, ever. Get out” he laughed as she smacked him all the way out the door.

Oliver was working out in the bunker when John walked in. His mind was spinning about that morning.

“How’d it go?” He questioned. He was certain Cami chewed him up and spit him back out. John admired the fire that she had. He also loved that she had no issue with putting Oliver Queen in his place.

“Surprising actually.” Oliver walked towards John. “She didn’t yell. She was upset. Really upset and I feel like a fucking scum bag for making her feel that way. She thinks I don’t trust her or don’t care. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I mean I wasn’t lying when I told her last night freaked me out a bit and that I’m a coward when it comes to her. I’ve always felt something for her. But she’s Tommy’s sister.”

“She’s also an adult Oliver. She’s a woman who is clearly torn up about you. She has feelings for you. I saw the look on her face when she ran out of that party. She was devastated. And not for nothing but isn’t Tommy dating Laurel now? I mean he really doesn’t have anything to say.”

“I can’t be with her and not be honest with her. She knows me too well. She knows I’m hiding something. I told her that I was afraid she’d walk away. That she wouldn’t be able to deal with it and that she’d never see me the same way again.”

“What was her response?”

“She kissed me. I mean it was the shortest kiss in the history of man. Tommy was banging on her door literally the second her lips touched mine.”

“But she kissed you.” John saw a genuine smile on Oliver’s face for the first time. “Look man- if you don’t tell her, if you don’t bring her into the fold in some capacity you will most definitely lose her. Friendship or otherwise. I’ve seen how she looks at you. The fact that she even let you in her house today. She’s not going to walk away.”

“That then leaves the issue of telling her puts her in danger. What if someone went after her? Do I have any business being with her?”

“Don’t you think that’s for her to decide? You need to let someone else besides me in. You need to have someone to confide in. I can’t begin to even pretend to know what happened in those 5 years. But you need someone you can be completely unfiltered with. She’s it. ”

“I’ll think about it. But for now we need to discuss this Paul guy.”

Cami was pacing in her apartment. Oliver had been with Frank Bertinelli and then left with his daughter Helena. She didn’t know if it was a date or what it was. She hated herself for being so put out by it. She had no right to be. They had barely kissed and he didn’t owe her anything. She wondered if that feeling would ever go away. But what superseded those feelings were ones of worry. She knew Bertinelli was a mobster bad had been trying to book Moira and Walter for as long as she remembered. She couldn’t begin to imagine what Oliver had gotten himself into. She had sent Romano home a few hours ago. She didn’t need to know the details of what was happening at that restaurant.

Instead her SUV was parked within walking distance to the abandoned Queen Consolidated building in the glades. Oliver had spent a good portion of his day there and then John had joined him. She figured she had time to get in and get out with Oliver not here. She was ready to confirm her suspicions.She slowly made her way through the rundown building. It was a perfect cover. Why would anyone come here? She didn’t find anything incriminating. There had to be either and upper or lower level. She was glad in black leggings and black knee high boots, a fitted black vneck and a black baseball cap pulled down to cover her her hair and sheild her face. She was searching the building inch by inch when she spotted a door but stopped in her tracks. She felt goosebumps and the hair on her body standing on end. Someone else was there. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard the floor creek.

“Don’t take another step” a gruff voice came from whomever was behind her. She heard and arrow being pulled back. She rolled her eyes and raised her hands. “I’m not armed. You can put the bow and arrow down.”

“Don’t move” the command came again. She hadn’t expected to be caught. She let her intuition guide her next move like she had been taught by so many. Before the archer knew what hit him he was flat on his back with the wind knocked out of him after she had quickly dropped to a squat and spun her leg out. The heel of her boot was pressing into the hooded figures jugular.

“It’s not very nice to point a weapon at someone who tells you they’re not armed. Where are your manners?” She released her foot after making her point. As soon as he could breathe properly he stood up still shocked by what had happened but more shocked by who had done it.

“Cam.” Was all be said. She took the baseball cap off of her head. “Might as well drop your hood Oliver.”

“How did you know? How the hell did you figure out I was using the building.”

“You often forget who I am Oliver. One- I know you. I know when you’re lying. Two- we both know I’m way smater than you. No offense.” And three I’m a Merlyn. The resources I have are substantial and my name carries quite a bit of clout. You might be shocked to know I actually can be quite intimidating.” He sighed grabbed her by the arm and dragged her with him. He led her down to the bunker.

“Look what I found.” Cami wasn’t surprised to see John down in what seemed to be a bunker for Oliver’s extra curricular activities. “So who else did you tell?” He was angry. Cami scoffed.

“I told no one Oliver! And it’s really rich that YOU’RE mad right now! I should be furious with you!”

“I told you I needed time to open up.”

“About the Island Oliver. Not this. You never would have told me about this. Jesus. This is...I don’t know what this is. But this is what you thought would make me walk away from you? Because The Hood has killed people? Well those people were human garbage that the justice system couldn’t touch. Your methods may be extreme but you’ve made quite a difference.” Oliver was surprised.

“How did you know how to do that?” He finally spoke again. “What? Drop you on your ass? I told you my father had had me take all these fighting classes.”

“That was a little more than self-defense Cam.” She shrugged. “You know what my mother’s death did to him. You realize now I’m in right?”

“No. You’re not. I’m not letting you get hurt.” She rolled her eyes.

“I can take care of myself. And you don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do. You need help.”

“I have John.” She rolled her eyes at him. “He’s not me. Again- I have resources that he doesn’t, that you don’t. Oliver- you need me.” She was pleasding. She couldn’t let him do this without her. He was going to get himself killed. “She’s right.” John finally spoke.

“NOT helping Diggle. I’m taking you home.” Cami snatched her arm away. “You’re a mysoginistic asshole. I can drive myself.” And with that she stormed out of the bunker. Oliver signed and sat down as he rubbed his forehead.

“Oliver” John made his way over to Oliver.

“Don’t Digg. It’s not up for discussion. I needdd you to have my back with her. Talk her out of this. I don’t need her getting killed in the crossfire.” John held his hands up and backed away leading Oliver to his thoughts.

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cometcrystal · 7 years

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list of all the books/short stories i remember reading in high school and my opinion on them. this isn’t all of them because theres no way i could possibly remember everything. it also includes summer reading

smash that J key if you dont wanna see me ramble about books

9th grade

to kill a mockingbird - i don’t remember anything about this book. i read it twice because our english teacher didnt test us on summer reading until october and i STILL don’t remember anything about it and i dont get why people like it so much

the house on mango street - one of my absolute favorite books i have ever been assigned. i adore the way the book is structured, i loved the author’s writing style, i loved all the little stories, i loved everything about it. but everyone else in my class hated it and it made me sad

the pearl - it was ok? i didnt really have an opinion on it it was just there

romeo and juliet - it’s romeo and juliet. but it did give me the memory of seeing my english teacher bite his thumb

the most dangerous game - this short story was fun to me, i liked it. also i imagined the guys in the house as hagrid and francis monogram. its been a while i cant remember the guys actual names leave me alone

rules of the game - i remember liking this one too, i liked most of the short stories we read

gift of the magi - FAV!!! THE BEST AND CUTEST!

10th grade

the first part last - part of summer reading. i remember liking this one but it didn’t really stick with me. i probably wouldn’t read it again just cause its about teenage pregnancy

book about ww2 germany that i forgot the name of - also summer reading. it was about what youd expect; historical fiction that is sad. it was OK

animal farm - it went about as you’d expect it to

of mice and men - i didn’t hate it? it was really short and was over quickly so it was hard for me to have strong feelings

the great gatsby - everyone in the world read this book. it was OK at best but none of the characters were likable and there is absolutely no plot but its good for teaching symbolism so thats why its so popular in schools

huckleberry finn - godawful i never want to read this again it was so so boring and hard to read oh my fucking GOD. this book is a prime example of why you should never type accents phonetically.

anthem - i liked it at the time, but knowing ayn rand’s worldview now i probably would not like it at all if i reread it today

approximately 1/4 of shakespeare’s julius caeser - we didnt get very far into this play at all. i have a vivid memory of a guy in class saying the line “you saucy fellow” and the whole class laughing. 2/5 stars for that

11th grade

in cold blood - i liked the parts about the townsfolk, dreaded the parts about the killers. it was really slow though

the glass castle - this was another favorite of mine, the episodic format reminded me of mango street and i just. idk i liked it a lot

a modest proposal - my teacher this year was my favorite teacher i’ve ever had and she brought baby back ribs from the vending machine for us when we read this text because she was hilarious

hamlet - my teacher did a bullet-speed reading of this because she wanted to expose us to more shakespeare but the year was almost over. i liked it tbh but i feel like i need to experience it again a bit slower this time

12th grade

wuthering heights - you do not understand the depth of my hatred for this book. you could not possibly understand the loathing i felt as i had to annotate this entire text and deal with this bitch ass insufferable cast of characters. the only good character was isabella and they killed her because they knew she was too good for this book.

the road - oh my fucking god if the color gray was a book, it would be this one. it was so depressing and i hated every word of it. the summer reading this year was ASS

things fall apart - this was a good book, i dont have much smart to say review-wise but it was good and i think it should be more widely taught, depicts the atrocities of colonialism

their eyes were watching god - another favorite of mine, i had to reread it recent for my college lit class and i loved it just as much the 2nd time around

brave new world - stupid pretentious bullshit, probably in line with anthem. racist pretentious bullshit and it annoyed the hell out of me. ended with an orgy. im not joking it ended with an orgy

the awakening - everyone else hated this book to high heaven but i liked it? i mean it wasnt super duper awesome but it was enjoyable

jane eyre - charlotte bronte is such a better fucking writer than her damn sister emily? i love you, jane eyre

macbeth - my favorite shakespeare play ive ever been assigned. lady macbeth is wild? love that messy bitch. no man of woman born? fucking genius. ALSO until 11th grade i thought this play was set in space and not scotland because of that one jimmy neutron episode

the importance of being earnest - i dont remember anything about this play other than it was funny but i DO remember my friend finding a phone number in her copy of it and she texted it

the metamorphosis - i read this for my final class project so that means i read it at least 7 times. i know this cockroach man like the back of my hand. i do not have an opinion about the actual story itself but i know about this cockroach.

the thirteenth tale - OH MY GOD. FAV. FAV. FAV FOREVER. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD READ THIS BOOK. literally EVERYONE in our class got sucked into this book, even the people that hated everything else we had read up to this point. its literally so good i dont even know what to say just read it

#long post -#text heavy -#i love having all my opinions in one place

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jesliey · 8 years

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Character Design Questions that i really just wanted to do because they looked fun

Tagged By: No one. I do what I want.

Most of my characters started in D&D but ill list em all for context:

Aliphos Gardwin, effectively ex-military Ranger from a what is now a frozen wasteland. Hes like a puppy in my eyes.

Anastasia Shepard, actual military. From my ME binge days. Probably the only one who’ll ever have an actual solid visual depiction

Alistair Shepard, twin brother to Ana. Technically not my character, but he punches things and hes such a dick i love it.

Unit 2038, mass produced celestial war machine with severely stunted emotional development. Had a REALLY long nap a while ago.

Firo Schwartzstein Avanezo, sleazy brat who likes to pickpocket and flirt. Closer inspection might catch a glimpse of some of that old money in his blood though.

Morgenstern, funny how dying from several impalement wounds makes a demonic deal for vengeance seem like a good idea. Might know Aliphos eventually im still pondering that...

Sacha Julian N’Doul, THE RICH PRETTYBOY IS JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

THIS IS REALLY LONG SO UNDER THE CUT IT GOES!

Who’s the oldest character of yours that you still use?

oh man i dont really use them as much as id want to...im not a great writer so i dont really do anything with any of them until something comes up like a d&d game for instance. Id still use all of them given the chance.

Aliphos is the one i can always fall back to though, ive had him the longest

Who’s the oldest character of yours, defunct or not?

Im gonna go ahead and assume this means physically. Pretty sure its Unit...either Unit or Firo. Ones a robot, and the other doesnt age, but i dont exactly remember whos older...

Pretty sure its Unit

Has creating a character ever made you realize something about yourself?

There hasnt been a “realization” per se...

Each character ive made has been some kind of manifestation of what i was feeling creatively at the time, with the exception of Aliphos. Hes straight up my first character who i made not realizing how self-inserty he was all the way back in grade 9 of highschool.

Any minor characters that have either taken over or branched off into their own stories?

See now this ones a bit more interesting because i didnt really have a side character until very recently. Sacha is a backup character for the wandering mess that is the party Morgenstern belongs to, and he acts as chief sponsor after they saved him from bandits. He isnt SUPPOSED to come into the spotlight of the adventure, but he will if Morgen becomes otherwise unavailable

Do you prefer to make human, animal, monster, or _____ characters? Why?

Well i mean “human” is very loosely defined here but yeah. These are characters i know and relate to best and im not a furry, so “human” it is!

ignoring the fact that only four of them are actual humans, and one of those four isnt even mine

When creating a character, do you come up with the visual concept or the written concept first?

written concepts, easily. when im sitting down trying to make a new brain-child theres a list of questions that goes through my head to get a better idea of what im going for.

where did they come from? what is the most important thing that has happened to them this far? how do they react to waking up on just a regular day? what is the most common thing they feel both physically and mentally? how do they handle being in a group of other similarly skilled people?

i find that answering just these gives me a better idea of what im working with than trying to get a picture going before having at it

Do you have characters that you know you’ll never use, but can’t bear to get rid of/recycle?

Im honestly having a hard time envisioning using Ana anywhere. shes a bit of an alcoholic downer, and she doesnt play well with others. Morgen doesnt either, but hes currently in use and even then i have to creatively stretch his personality quite a bit just to keep things rolling

i dont like the idea of just getting rid of characters though. a few of them have died. multiple times in some cases. continuities are a thing that doesnt really exist for me, but it is hard to find a scenario where those two in particular would click in well

Is there a character that embodies your good traits, or traits you wish you had?

Aliphos is generally up-beat most of the time, and Firo and Sacha love a good time more than anything else. in general, theyre my more happy characters and i like holding onto that.

Is there a character that embodies your bad traits? Several characters? Which ones and what traits?

Ana and Morgen are definitely some pretty negative characters at their cores. Morgen less so simply because i felt like i was in a bit of a creative rut and i wanted to try something new, but Anastasia came around back at the end of highschool during the Depression Years™ and it shows...

Morgens definitive characteristics are nonchalant detachment and disdain and anger, where Ana is a depressed alcoholic with a death complex. Theres nothing happy here.

Is there a character that explores your interests or fetishes (orrrr is that just all of you characters)?

The most interesting things i can do with my characters is something that i think is unexpected of myself. I had Ali for YEARS before i tried making another character, and while it was fun making a new one, she boiled down to a drunk depressed version of what came before. The more varied and exploratory i can get with my characters the better.

One of my best experiences with a character was developing Unit. I played out the inner conflict of realizing you are able to take a hold of personal freedom now that you know you can have it while simultaneously not wanting to because youre still holding onto the faith that the higher powers know whats best and you should still be awaiting further instruction. those instructions would never come, and Unit is just another forgotten soldier stuck fighting the war, but it was SO MUCH FUN to play out the moral dilemma and ponder the philosophy! that was such a new experience for me, and i loved it! so i made a point to try and spice it up with whatever i try and make next

If you have characters that embody certain traits of yours—good or bad—has writing them changed how you view those traits? Has it affected you in any way?

In truth? not particularly. i just sorta vomit ideas out onto my characters and whatever sticks sticks. i pay no real mind as to what those ideas mean. its just fun to me.

Do you fantasize about being any of your characters, or are you more detached?

Oh there is no way i can play a character and stay detached...

When im in it? Im in it.

Do you create playlists for your characters?

HELL YEAH I DO. SPOTIFY iS A BEAUTIFUL THiNG.

When writing for specific characters, is there anything you have to do to get into the right mindset?

I will ask myself all the same questions from above as when i come up with the character design, i listen to their playlist if i made one yet, and i picture whatever it was that they just got through experiencing.

a quick crash course refresher on how this character ticks.

Which character is your guilty pleasure?

Oh Sacha easily....hes the first character i think ive made where his entire backstory is hes from a rich family and he likes to try new things. Theres no intricacy here, hes just a simple start to a character and hes fon loving. Hes super refreshing to play around with.

Is there a character of yours who’s a real struggle to write/draw? Why do you think that is?

Award for hardest to work with is probably going to Firo. I just wasnt as invested into making him as i have been for other characters. When i think of characters id like to play around with, hed be on the bottom of the list purely because he has the least amount of my interest

Which character is the easiest to draw/write?

The self insert. Next question.

Is there anything you really wish you could do, character-design-wise, that you feel is outside your current skillset? A concept that you wish you could pull off but are uncertain about?

BRO LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I love coming up with the concepts and flushing them out as i go along, but i am not the greatest at writing and they all just sorta stay in my head. also i cant draw. its a bad time for everyone involved.

What’s more important to you: visual design, unique personality, a trendy character aesthetic, etc? If you’re not sure, then what’s the first thing you usually nail down in a character?

well the first thing i always nail down when i think id like to entertain the thought of a character is their origin. so in a way i guess the aesthetic? though as i said above i like to keep things anything but trendy

Do you ever plan to do anything (comic, animation, etc) with your characters? Or are you just happy to have them?

dude i would love to make something big out of my characters! the problem becomes then that i would need someone who is as in sync with how i perceive my characters to be artistically inclined with, because god knows i cant do shit out here. until that day arises? in my head they stay.

#long post #characters #character building #character design #ill rebagel it and tag a bunch of people later

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caelesjjk · 7 years

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Vegas - Part 1

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That was just your luck. Your mother constantly told you that

you needed to settle down. But you were in your early 20’s and it just never seemed important.

That is, until one of your best friends announced her engagement to her high school sweetheart. You

were more than happy for her, yet it was a constant reminder that you weren’t even remotely

interested in anyone.

Your friends next big announcement was that her bachelorette party was going to celebrated in none

other than Las Vegas. At least if you were going to have to endure a bachelorette party it would be

completely acceptable for you to have a drink in your hand 24/7. So you packed your suitcase and put

on the most convincing smile you could, for the sake of your friend.

“Y/N? Wake up! The plane just landed!” You were shaken awake by one of the other girls attending the

party.

“I’m up, I’m up.” You yawned and stretched your stiff body. You likely had one too many complimentary

cocktails at the beginning of the flight, and passed out not long afterwards. You could also tell that your

make up was probably smudged half way across your face.

“You look lovely.” Your friend and the future bride says as she pushes some of your disheveled hair away

from your face.

“I appreciate how willing you are to lie to me to spare my feelings.” You say, soaked with sarcasm.

“I know what you’re feeling, and its okay. You have plenty of time to find Mr. Right.” She smiles at you

gently, and you wish that you could hate her, but you just cant.

“I’m fine, Anna. I promise.” You return the smile and she turns to get off the plane. You manage to

stumble your way off with your carry on and alcohol ridden blood stream.

Once your group makes it to the hotel, the giddy, crazy, screaming fest begins. Every two seconds one of

the wretched women who came along screeches in your ear.

“Oh my god, Anna! You have to wear this! And the penis necklace!” One of them shouts.

Everything was covered in penises. The decorations. The cups. The plates. Everything. So, you gave in and mixed a margarita with a penis straw. You put the bright pink straw to your lips and unfortunately you could only think about how long it had been since you’d seen a real one of these. Pathetic is the only word that comes to mind when you think about your non existent sex life.

“Y/N! Come on! We’re doing shots!”

“Make mine a double.” You say with fake enthusiasm. You were still trying to figure out how you were going to tolerate these women for a whole weekend. But it was your duty as a bridesmaid to make your friend happy.

“Cheers to Anna!” Everyone shouted. Anna’s cheeks were rosy as she took her shot, the biggest smile on her face. You swallowed down your shot as well, starting to feel the effects of your binge drinking.

“I’m just going to get some air.” You say, knowing that none of them heard you.

So you grab your cigarettes as quietly as you can from your purse, hoping Anna doesn’t see, considering you told her your quit months ago. But your job was stressful lately and it made it so hard to quit.

You take the elevator down to the main floor, where you remember seeing the pool when you arrived earlier that day. It was completely dark outside now, though you weren’t quite sure what time it even was. Not that it mattered in a city like Las Vegas.

Stepping outside into the cool night air was magical. You were sweaty from the alcohol and the breeze made you feel otherworldly. You took a deep breath and lit one of the cigarettes from the pack and lowering yourself down into the extremely comfortable sun bathing chairs.

Once you finally took the time to look around, you noticed there was literally no one else out here. What kind of hotel was this? Aren’t all the hotels in this city supposed to be crazy parties all the time?

“Can I get you anything ma’am?” You almost fall out of your chair when you hear the question.

“What the hell? Where did you come from?” You straighten back up and look above you to see who it was that nearly made you piss yourself.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He smiles and his cheeks create the sweetest dimples. His skin was kissed with the perfect amount of color. His dark hair looked like it has been fixed but was now a bit curly and falling down onto his forehead. And his lips, my god, his lips. They were full and perfectly shaped. It wasn’t even fair that a man be blessed with lips that perfect.

“It’s okay, I’m just kind of out of it.” You sigh and lean over to retrieve the cigarette you had apparently dropped, but he was quicker.

“Here you go.” His voice is low, and he’s at eye level with you as he stooped down to pick up the cigarette and hand it towards you. Jesus, he smelled so good.

“Thanks..” You bit your lip and tried not to make it completely obvious that he was making you ache in places that had not ached in a long time.

“Did you want a drink? I’m working the bar inside. I can bring you something out.” He smirks before standing up again.

“A beer would be great, actually.”

“Great. I’ll just be right back miss.” He had an accent when he spoke. Australian maybe?

“It’s Y/N. The whole miss thing isn’t necessary.” You try to smile in hopes that maybe he isn’t completely turned off by you.

“Pretty name. I’ll get you that beer.” He starts to walk away, but you feel like if you don’t ask now, you’ll never get the chance to again.

“What’s yours? Your name…” You ask, your words coming out all scrambled and ridiculous.

“Calum.” He smiles again and you slowly slink back into your chair.

You sat and waited patiently, though you started to wonder why. Why the hell did you care if he came back or not? Because he probably wasn’t. You looked around again, noticing that just on the other side of the tall white fence you could hear what was very apparently a party. Curiosity got the best of you and you got up to get a better look.

Once you reached the fence you had no idea how exactly you were going to see what was going on over there.

“Screw it.” You kicked off your flip flops and started the task of climbing up the fence. You grabbed onto the top and pulled yourself up enough that you could peek over it. Just as suspected, there were people dancing, swimming, drinking, and making bad decisions over there. Why had your friend picked the most boring hotel on the Las Vegas strip?

“What are you doing up there?” The now familiar voice says below you. But no matter how familiar, you still managed to jump from the sudden fright of hearing it and lost your footing on the fence. You heard yourself let out the most unattractive yelp ever as you fell backwards.

“Whoa sweetheart, I’ve got you.” Calum says as he catches you before you bust your face open on the concrete.

“You scared me, you idiot!” You said it before you had a chance to be a little nicer.

“I don’t usually have to tell grown adults to get down off of fences.” He jokes, standing you up straight and stepping back from you. Now you just wanted him to wrap his arms around you again.

“This really is the most boring hotel in Vegas, isn’t it?” You try to straighten out your top that was bunched up around your midsection. He laughs, and it’s such a dorky laugh, but its perfect.

“I guess you could say that.” He stretches out his tattooed arm to hand you the beer he said he was going to get you.

“Thank you.” You immediately take a long swig from the bottle, afraid that you might completely lose your buzz if you kept talking to this beautiful man.

“You’re here with the bachelorette party right?” He asks.

“Yeah, I am. Have you been watching me?” You jokingly raise an eyebrow at him.

“Kind of hard to miss those legs walking through the doors.” He smirks when you almost spit your beer out at his comment.

“Excuse me?” You choke out.

“Don’t be offended, I mean it in the best way possible. I think you’d be impressed at all the ways I imagined them wrapped around me.” He steps closer to you and you almost die from hyperventilating.

“I’m not sure if I should run or kick you in the balls.” It barely comes out a whisper, and this makes him laugh again, this laugh is so much louder. He actually throws his head back to laugh.

“You haven’t had a man compliment you lately, have you?” He asks.

“That’s also none of your damn business. I don’t even know you.” You take another drink before realizing the beer was gone.

“This is Las Vegas, that’s sort of the point of this place. We don’t need to get to know each other.” He steps closer again, you step back and hit your back against the fence.

“What exactly are you suggesting?” You say.

“I could tell from the minute you walked through the doors today that you didn’t want to be here. Your friend is getting married and you’re sadly reminded of how single you are…”

“How do you know I’m single? I could have a boyfriend back home…”

“I’d say by the constant drink in your hand, that isn’t true Y/N.” He said your name and you had to squeeze your thighs together to dull the ache.

“Fine. I don’t have a boyfriend. But you didn’t answer my question. What do you want from me?” He’s close enough that you can feel his breath.

“I want to show you a good time. Is that so horrible?” You are physically unable to look away from his lips.

“Are you some kind of male escort?” You close your eyes and brace yourself for the answer to this question. He laughs again, but this time he leans down and presses his lips to your ear lobe.

“No. But I think you were hoping that I was.” He whispers the words into your ear and your knees almost fall out from under you. You know he can probably hear how fast he’s making your heart beat.

“So, what are we doing then if we aren’t having sex?” Your voice is shaky and unconfident. That heavenly smile spreads all the way across his face again as he stand up straight to look at you.

“Oh, there will be plenty of sex. But not yet. First, I’m getting some food in you.” He puts his hand out for you to take.

Were you really going to go with him? Were you going to leave your friends at the hotel wondering where you were all night? This beautiful man was a complete stranger. You didn’t know anything about him. He could be a kidnapper for all you knew. But your gut was telling that he wasn’t. And your heart was telling you to grab onto his hand and let him show you the night of your life.

So you took his hand.

#calumhood #ashtonirwin #lukehemmings #michaelclifford #5sos #5sos imagine #vegas #whathappensinvegas

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katzirra · 8 years

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Anymore it’s not really [A] themselves that gets to me or gets under my skin, we talked things out and left on okayish terms. They apologized for a lot of shit they did and we just kind of... I don’t know. It doesn’t UNDO what they did to me, I wish it were that easy? Maybe I’d be easier to deal with honestly.

But it helps me mentally to know they don’t hold ill will toward me, that they acknowledge shitty things they did and made efforts to stop doing some of them and move forward? Like at least there’s that? Doesn’t do anything for me, but it gives me a little positive focus?

I can thank [A] for introducing me to a lot of things I still enjoy... to a degree? I can thank them fro getting me to be more serious about art. For getting me to believe I had skill at all in it. While I owe them a lot of my insecurity in my art [topics like nsfw shit and a few other things mm] - they were most always supportive... The worst thing was just constantly firing my jealousy off? Like making me dependent on them and their approval and then rubbing good art in my face. I think all I did back then was art for them.

It’s weird. I wasn’t unhappy, because I loved their comic and I hope some day to hear they finished their comic, and to actually be mentally okay enough to read it again. I helped write and form the damn thing... I would love to be able to read it and see how the children I helped rewrite and form grew up and changed and ended up... mm.

Flits my wrist.

This post is about music and stuff though. I... can’t listen to a few bands [A] introduced me to without hitting pockets of mood drops or wanting to break down crying? Like my mind is so immune to giving a shit about some things but it’s like bumping a dark bruise and yo can’t resist hissing at the feeling.

Almost all my ‘triggers’ are just deep bruises by now because I’ve had to force myself to not react to them the way I would like to. Because honestly the only way my brain reacts to half of them is to want to talk about them to know I’m valid in how I feel? and to make jokes about them to trivialize them because the way my brain is, is like.. I feel like I was told not to dwell on things.

I remember being told at a young age, it takes twice as long as you were with someone or dealt with something to get over it. Which is totally something you’d read in a Cosmopolitan magazine. But there were YEARS after [A] I wasn’t over things. There were years after [K] I was still upset I lost a friend, until I saw how thy treated their ‘important’ friends. It just soured me.

[A]... did a lot of fucked up things. Introduced me to music. Taught me ways to formulate comic layouts and write them too. Taught me a lot about art - to dos and to nots.

But any anger anymore is just that I’m not over those things. That I’m not over the inadewuate feelings. That I still care about being told “You don’t make me happy anymore” that I still care about how I was dumped and abandoned. That I developed really deep abandonment issues because of all those things.

It’s stuff I yell at myself over a lot and it’s irritating that it permeates me life still, but also just that I’m not over it yet. It’s irritating to me and I mean... it’s... something. I get upset that I have certain things I can barely tolerate seeing because of her, that I have a ship in a stupid anime I refuse to stomach because I just feel my body clench at every unspoken word and comment. I hate that I still don’t talk about characters I like, or hobbies I have or things I enjoy still without that... feeling in my gut like someone will treat me JUST like they did because they didn’t like it.

It would be nice to not CARE, you know?

Mm. This post was literally supposed to be making jokes at self-triggering habits like what Caroline was asking about. She was like god is there a WORD for triggering yourself - like I laughed because so many SONGS and bands are a borderline shut down for me but I WILL LITERALLY NOT CARE AND SUFFER THROUGH IT??

Garbage is the biggest one. I was introduced to them really early in our relationship and I feel in love with their stuff? I really loved her voice and the sound of it? And like it was the first band I had suggested to me by someone. Within a year I think of us watching Naruto so it’s funny how like I still tie a few of the songs to the series?

They’re also like some of my hilariously huge favorites? Like I love As Heaven is Wide, Cup of Coffee, Home and Nobody Loves You SO MUCH and I remember shitty AMVs to them still lmao!! I remember the really COOL one [A] did for As Heaven is Wide and it’s not a BAD memory. It’s just...

Like that’s the thing with music is it’s not all bad memories? Sometimes it’s just a memory that hurts me because I know I’m the only one who remembers it? I’m the only one who is stuck with it? Good or bad? Because little tiny things stick so much harder than anything.

It’s like [K] taking me to that Akira art exhibit at the con. It was such a fucking HUGE DEAL to me to see those animation cels up close. To see the Akira jacket of Kaneda’s up close. To just see that shit. But it’s the company and relation that makes me unhappy. That’s a happy memory for me. But it drags everything else with it and it just makes me sigh.

Like telling Mar about being in SF with [N] and seeing the Seuss exhibit and how great that was, but the teasing at me about it and like... being so disassociated and detached that whole trip... mm. Soft shrugs.

I keep drifting off.

Garbage.

As much as they bring up bad memories and such in ways, It’s become a goal to mine to literally force myself to push those sort of things off music I love. I can’t stand that I skip songs I love when I get to them on albums or on shuffle.

Bleed Like Me came out in 2005. I was and I loved the tone shift of the album - but that’s a shitty year for me when all these problems I deal with started to develop? I bought the album for $5 the other day. I’ve blasted and yelled to it in my car four drives home since. I’ve remembered very lyric. Every word.

I had every flooding memory of 2006 hit me and I just couldn’t care because how hard I’m fighting o break strings to memories. I am so tired of remembering 2006 for what it was. I’m so tired of dwelling on 2011. I’m so tired of ghosts of 2014 being around me.

I want to detach like everyone else did involved. I’m so tired of feeling like a burden by how scared I always am of things. Like I’m always feeling like a bother and like I’m irritating when I hint that I need to hear I’m not a bother.

I’m... mm.

Honestly I have to cut myself off there before I go off into a rant about things actually bothering me because I don’t need to kill my drive to work on art today. I have the whole day to work and I want to work. If I start deviling into [K] and [C] territory it’s just gonna make me tired.

But both are highly playing into my fear of Mar visiting so that’s kind of hilarious. And it’s not a fear of her visiting. It’s that whole bundle of -motions- I can’t word. It’s not superstitions but kind of. I know things will be fine but I worry about other people? Like I know I’m going to be fine. But there’s a whole... slew of things there that other people jacked me up about.

But that’s all me. That’s me problems. Nothing her fault or even thought to be an issue with her. It’s issues of mine and just my personality and how I am and stuff. I already feel irritating so there’s just things -motions- it’s me things. Things.

But yeah.

Desensitizing myself to music. I want to draw a lot of things to a lot of these songs, but it’s just ironic the music and series I want to do are tied together the way they area? Thankfully I’m mostly over tht period of my life just... still kinda buzzes now and then and it’s like an itch I cant’ scratch?

Maybe by 2017′s middle I can have most things dealt with...?

Given that [A] and I have no qualms and it’s all on me now to just sort through things... I cut [K] out permanently and am okay with this actually more than I feel I am sometimes... [C] is missed sometimes because our friendship but then I literally just think about the fact they let me fly out there knowing they already knew they didn’t feel the way they acted. Thereby doubling my self issues... :)) I just get angry. So maybe I can aim to get through that anger and write them off entirely as a negative thing. Everything with [N] still kinda bothers me just because... it was my fault? It wasn’t a relationship per say but I hurt them because I couldn’t return those feelings? It really bothers me a lot when I see their art on my blog honestly. But I love everything they did for me and all the smiles and laughs we shared.

-chin hands and rubs face- I just want to be able to be healthier. I want to be able to let things go. I want to stop being on edge. I want my girlfriend to talk to me abotu things when they happen so I can stop havign the shut downs the way I do and deal with them in real time. That’s my only major major goal in my relationship even. Otherwise I just want to take things at a pace we like and figure it out as we go.

I want to get over things because I deserve to? I deserve to not be stuck in this hell of an emotional pit for NO REASON.... and to just enjoy my fucking life? I don’t deserve fucking all the fighting I do emotionally and mentally to tell myself I’m okay and I’m over thinking, and ruining myself and everything around me because of it.

I’m constantly still thinking she can do better than me, who meshes and fits better and I just kinda hum to myself. I don’t know.

I want to stop being complacent with my mental state and start aggressively tackling it. I started in June and I’m determined to get back to a better standing ground for myself and because I want to stop letting myself ruin things with my paranoias and bad fucking drops. It involves talking more is all. And just feeling safe. Being reminded everything is okay when I start getting too apologetic for BEING.

I’m just a mess and I always feel bad people deal with me and put up with me... I’d say people choose to and dont’ feel obligated to but I’m also just stares at some people around me who stay around people who are obviously hazardous to their mental health. mm. It’s whatever.

I want to stop caring about things that don’t matter anymore? I want to start letting go of things better because holding onto all these things just... hurts. It’s all on me. Mm.

I’m scared of a lot of stupid things. I’m always worried abotu screwing up because people don’t tell me when I do and when they do it’s just yelling at me and not accepting when I say sorry even lmao which is probably the weirdest part is when someone yells at me about something and I apologize and it’s like it’s not okay, but still acknowledge that I’m acknowledging damage and trying to figure out how to prevent or fix damage in the future?

Communication with people is so... important but difficult. Like how do people know something is wrong if you don’t say, you know? You can’t hold things against people when they don’t know - and honestly that was an issue I dealt with more than anything... which was why with [C] I made a point to talk more and more and... mm. I mean I know the problems now but I asked halfway through my trip if I should go home, if me beign there was too much. I acknowledged body language and attitude and the potential problem [part of it] and was given complacent reactions and me slowly mentally declining for a month :))

Communication is important. I don’t just say it because it’s a fact - I say it because for me it is the difference between one depressive bad day, and years of fucking back peddling issue fixing over things, you know?

#kat life #ignore me #I can't focus when I come at myself with a small topic #this should go on my personal but I'm too lazy to scroll to the top by now yikes

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

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I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time. via /r/selfimprovement

I know I have the potential to be great, and I choose the path of the weak every time.

Im so shitty. I dont even know why im writing this. Honestly I see other people post and I wonder if this actually helps. I'm at a point where If there's even a chance it could help, I should try it. Im 29, skinny black guy. I literally weigh about 130 lbs. Live with a roommate and brother. Other brother moving here in bout a week. Im older than all of them. Somehow I've got to this point in my life dropping out of every school endeavor i ever embarked on. Dropped out of High School, got my GED got into college then dropped out of that. Was too busy smoking weed, playing fighting games...just being a fool. Never been in a serious relationship at any point in my life. My love-life is non-existent. My only working background is in grocery stores and call center. I legitimately want to just stop everything. If I have to take calls for another few months that really might be it for me. I'm at the complete end of my lane. Im not here to discuss where my thoughts have gone, but I know for certain I cant keep doing this type of work for the rest of my life...I don't think I'll last to the middle of 2019 before I quit and look for another job. Speaking of that, my last 5 years of work history is just me bouncing between jobs. I got a job at software company doing customer support, but i threw that away too. They wanted to send me to Ireland, a real chance to start over and for some reason i threw it away. I just feel inadequate as hell in comparison to my brothers (one who has graduated college, the other who is going to Lincoln Tech now). I don't have problems talking to women casually, but I dont have it in me to discuss anything romantic with a woman. I wouldn't date me. If I was a woman I wouldn't even talk to me lol, let alone date me. I see my laziness, my apathy, my lack of empathy toward other people, and I know it's' shitty. I hate it, I hate myself and I absolutely must improve. I know that I can, when I actually put my mind to something I excel.

But you know what I hate more than anything? People who look for sympathy, people who want others to feel bad for them, and worst of all people who don't fucking work. So as I make this post, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. If anything insult me, because well thats what I deserve and probably what I would do to someone else.

So since im literally at the end of my fucking rope, I've been trying to rewrite my life as hard as possible. Dedicating literally every minute of every day to improvement. Literally every --single---minute of every ---single--- day. As i write this now im at work, im doing quite a few things inbetween calls, and decided to visit this reddit because I made this account and subscribed to it a few weeks ago.

I probably sound like an idiot going into detail on this, but as embarrassing as it is I will. I made a plan for myself for the next 5 years. The plan includes my goals and ways to achieve them day by day. It also includes checkpoints every so often for me to check In and make sure im actually focusing on my goals. I need these checkpoints because in the past when I tried to do things like this I would lose focus eventually and fall into loads of weed use and alcohol abuse. My goals are listed below in no particular order:

Improve my overall Health - this multi-part goal. It includes both physical and mental health. I weigh 130 lbs pretty much on the dot. I'm not sure what my ideal weight would be (I don't know how I'd look at lets say 170 lbs for me to call that my ideal weight), but the first milestone is 150lbs. I want to hit this in 6 months, or atleast check in at that time. In terms of how I plan to do that, I've detailed a complete workout regime for me. Of course, I could go into detail on that, but the most important step, more important than working out is just eating more. The hardest part of course is always sticking to the regime, but atleast i've wrote down what I need to do. I don't know why but for some reason I just have trouble getting myself to eat. Even when i'm hungry, i'll smoke or go for a walk or go to sleep or just game - I'll do anything but eat. As of today, I'm changing that. For my mental health, I plan to read recreationally more especially when on public transit which Im on for about 2 hours a day. Why reading? I need to stay away from my phone. I spend so much time on discord, losing myself in non-stop content online through youtube or twitch or whatever. I need to get back in touch with me, and not be scared to be in my own thoughts. As a kid i use to read a lot, I was a creative kid. I think somewhere in the weed use I lost that, I want it back. After doing some research I've also started journalling. I Journal twice a day, once in the morning once at night. I try to spend 30 minutes a day total (15 minutes per night/day) writing down my thoughts from the previous day and goals for that day in the morning, and what I actually accomplished and thoughts for the day that night. After reading what I've wrote for just a few days, turns out I'm actually a very bitter person. Maybe not bitter, but definitely angry and intense. I'm also trying to meditate, but Im not really good at this. What I do is just sit down in my room, light a candle, make some tea, close my eyes and think for 10 or so minutes. Any thought that comes in I try to analyze where it came from and if it's a negative thought or stemming from a negative. Im not good at this yet honestly. Its important to know these things aren't something I want to add in only for a limited time. I think I need to do this for the rest of my life, otherwise I spiral fast. My mom has suggested therapy but, I completely refuse. If I can't fix myself I won't get fixed. I'm not scared to ask for help, but therapy is out of the question until I've done absolutely everything I can to fix myself.

Develop a Skill. Particularly I want to program. I've taught myself abit of HTML, CSS, and Javascript. Honestly I'm a complete beginner, but I've dabbled abit. I've made steps to already begin teaching myself in my routine. I've been using codeacademy pro for about a month now and I'm working on deploying my own site (my first project will just be my resume on a responsive one page site, got the idea from a friend). This comes from, I have to develop some type of skill in order to move out of Customer Service. I don't know what else to even do, though IT support comes to mind but I don't want to support anymore I want to create and develop. I'm not trying to avoid work, I just want to avoid working with the general public, and I want to avoid my job being to educate others or fix mistakes they've made. Even though I think that still happens in development, I atleast want a career that pushes me mentally and forces me to improve my skillset in order to stay relevant. Most importantly, I want a job I can be proud of. A job that I myself can be proud of. Even though Customer Service/Call Centers are important for alot of companies, I cannot stand this line of work. It is so mind numbingly tedious and repetitive, and I feel like I am wasting my life and my potential handling these minor inquiries when I know I can use my mind to accomplish and work on something much greater. I don't care how arrogant or fucked up it sounds. It's not that I think i'm better than anyone, I just KNOW that i can achieve more than this. I know that im here because of how shitty of a human i've been. I'm tired of it, I have to change it.

Learn another language. The only other language I've had real interest in is Japanese. Honestly I've been at odds even with myself on this for a long time. Is it bad that I enjoy that type of culture? I'm not trying to be a "weeb" or just say it to sound cool. I've spent time learning to recognize some hiragana/katakana just on my own in the past. I don't think it's a perfect culture or anything, but its the only one that legitimate has always interested me for as long as I can remember. So i've decided to pursue it and fuck it, if I look stupid or like a weeb or whatever I guess I just have to accept that. Again I have my own routine I've detailed for myself for learning, and I have a few people I can actually practice with. I somehow got a friend of mine a job in Japan as a english teacher...but I havent done anything myself to move toward that and I know god damn well I could.

I want to become better at interacting with people. Last few months I've lost myself in just complete self indulgence. I won't go super into detail, but I think we all know what this means. Drug use, alcohol use, long nights on the internet avoiding sleep exploring the most degenerate shit man. The worst is after nights like that you can't look people in the eye, or have normal conversations. It just eats at you knowing youre not only wasting time but spending it on something so shitty and useless. Putting time off with family/friends to stay at home and waste time, I won't do shit like this anymore. When you fall into a rut like this, or whatever it is, all your relationships around you start to crumble. Then I wonder why I havent been in a relationship, lol. Well im done and hopefully by writing this It gives me strength to not fall back into that dark place and keep me on the right path. I will show I can support my family and I can receive their support as well. It will take time to repair these relationships, but If i dont start now I feel like they really will crumble forever.

This is basically my current mental state. I don't know if this even fits this subreddit but I hope it does and if not feel free to inform me. The purpose of this is to show that, I am on the path to self improvement, its all I care about right now. Being better than I've been in the past month. Better than I was yesterday, because if I dont change my life now I'm legitimately scared what I will do or where I will be 5 years from now. If you actually read all this, thanks. If you have any thoughts, please let me know. If I sound stupid, let me know. If I sound like all im doing is crying and complaining, please inform me. You have any videos I can watch on improvement, including mentalities/mindsets/meditation please let me know. Im open to anything. It took me about 2 hours to write this in between calls. As I hit post I'm going back to coding and planning on working on my first project immediately tonight. Guess i'm saying this more for myself than anyone.

Thanks for reading.

-Just

Submitted November 10, 2018 at 11:22PM by StoicJust via reddit https://ift.tt/2z213YJ

#IFTTT #reddit

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persional · 6 years

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im only getting drunker and im outta content so im gonna write a post for sober me to stumble upon one fateful day and the post is gonna be about laurel i really miss them and i dont know where we stand at all im really bad at casual unlabeled things i was bad at polyamory im bad at it ! i realized recently we had 2 first kisses and they called the 2nd one “the real one” im in l*ve maybe not really but i keep thinking i think bc it’s conditioned in me i don’t like the time before you get to say i love you why cant i just tell everyone i love them all the time except like friends that im not that close to who will just say it like thats not ideal. they said and then repeated that they want to see me as soon as they get back and it’s like that reassurance i keep coming back to and i hate being the one to always text back but most of it is im fucking bored theres like 3 people left here who will voluntarily hang out with me. im so glad i dont lie that takes so much of the weight off of my social interactions to just be like yeah im gonna tell the truth rn. the first time we had s*x laurel said promise me one thing just promise me you won’t break me into a billion tiny pieces just promise me you won’t lie to me. and i was like i have some extremely good news for you because i only ever lie to myself. i like them a lot. a Lot. kissing them feels like being on a roller coaster which i know because i went on a roller coaster a few weeks ago and as we started to freefall i thought this is exactly what it feels like to kiss laurel. i feel like their name shouldn’t be capitalized so that way the beginning can be the same as the end like a marble rolling around in your mouth that starts and then ends right on the tip of the tongue even though technically one is a light L and the other is a dark /l/. im drinking my last four loko tonight and hoping to get schwasted and hoping to stop needing to drink in order to go to sleep soon. not my last of all time i should clarify just the last one we have in the fridge. savannah gets back on tuesday late night on tuesday and laurel gets back at some point on wednesday im not sure what time and im afraid to ask i think i’ll ask just a day or two before so there’s kind of... because savannah and i are planning to hang out a lot that day and also to get dinner with savannah’s cousins and although i dont think it would be the end of the world if i left in the middle of dinner it obviously won’t be ideal. im listening to my cancer season playlist and honestly it’s really good. i really don’t want to eat this apple pie i’d rather just have another quesadilla or better yet some fried rice. i guess i could microwave more peanut noodles but i kind of hate those at this point like theyre a little disgusting no ? i started writing this post bc i saw a post about someone’s favorite thing about girls they said it was ‘the way they stroke you’ and i thought about us holding hands and holding each other and their freckles and the coconut oil on their face and how their eyes are brown in the center and green on the edges and how i don’ t deserve any of it im not sure if we’re anything close to dating but i still strongly contest savannah’s assertion that she thinks it’s just physical theyve said ‘i really like you (too)’ they said ‘i romanticize you’ they came to me house after i made that song, that song got me laid and i think about that all the time and it’s not like we always have sex sometimes we just sleep together in the same bed and i feel so real with them it’s so hard to feel like im not just slipping into the version of myself that somebody wants me to be and i realized after a year with adrianne i realized there are parts of myself that i’m putting on which aren’t parts of me at all there are parts of me! there is a height to the frequency to my voice! there is a demureness because she wants a woman and i can’t be butch and hers at the same time but i don’t feel like that now and im trying really hard to be real and i hope theyre doing the same i hope theyre not... once they came over with another friend after a party and once our friend left and we were kissing on the couch they started crying and i just wanted them to feel safe it’s so rare that someone is crying and you actually get to hold them. they were crying and im thinking about duck butter now because it’s usually me who isn’t real even if im not lying im not being myself and this time it’s not me so it can only be them and i never know how they feel or what they’re thinking and they’ll say something like uh yeah i like you or they’ll kiss me, once i was kissing them goodbye as i left their house and their housemate saw us it was so funny and also the first time anyone else has seen us kiss idk im not sure where we stand i asked about it probably too early when we were high i said what is this what are we doing and they said i don’t know but i like it. so like i really don’t know and i gave them a chance and i don’t know what to do like maybe they really think it is just a physical thing and they feel roped in but there have been times when they said things that absolutely were not required and i was like oh Hm? im just trying to be fucking real but theyre not great at communicating,, fucking air signs am i rite, theyre a gemini and i think about that all the time how ive dated 2 pisces and 2 leos, we don’t know each other which savannah has pointed out and the thing is im sure savannah is like just concerned for me but it comes off as if she’s not supportive of the relationship at all and im worried that shes jealous idk i know there are a lot of people who like laurel bc uhhh theyre hot and incredible and smart and hilarious and. everything god theyre such gf material. im so alone rn no one will even fav mine tweets. im a huge fan of the improv comedy team at our school, they recently changed their name to princess wolfpipe which is objectively a bad name but before it was fellatio rodriguez yeah porn bots get at me, anyway they didnt like that it was like 5 whiteys with the name rodriguez attached to it which is fair like very woke very reed of you sure. hhhhhhhhhh i just remembered they read my anthro essay and like.,, had sex with me After that. god. hell. wow. i must not be that bad at essays after all even the ones i half-ass. chrome is underlining so many of the words in this post little do they know im a linguist and a literature major. anyway i think i could be drunk enough now to admit ive not eaten pussy in like a week and it is in fact wearing on me at this point like im literally that tweet about the person stirring som e mac n cheese and passing out but it’s been honestly a week if that they left on the 3rd right so ya 8 days. ok i feel less bad about that bc i also definitely hadnt **ten them **t like that day i dont think we had rly like giggly sex at their house i think the night before and i drove them to work early in the morning and theyre so nice to me they know to wake me up with kisses which is so important bc im so... im so fucked i like them so much but im also just a fucked up person and i dont deserve thme. i should get alcohol prescribed for me. for sleep. and social anxiety. made a tweet about it, deleted it. made a quesadille! ated it !, imagine if i didnt eat so much especially while drunk. my body wants me to be huge but i want to be dead i want to be nothing. words are so bad whoever invented words im sure theyre dead they shoul be revived and shot again. ok so im eve drunker now and i’d like to say i want to hear them come again honestly i want to literally put my tongue insid eof them and hear them say my name i want to hold the folds of skin around their hips i want to hear them gasp i want to taste them i want everything i want to stroke their hands and kiss their fingers and their forehead i miss them so much i hate being physically far from everyone i love i want to sleep in their bed i want to fall asleep with our arms wrapped around one another unless i have to turn away and they understand adrianne never understood. i want them i really hope they still like me it would be so fucking sad for the chemistry to only go this way likea reaction that only goes inreverse so we’re left in the end with these raw materials like. like oil and water that can never relaly combine? like two molecules that can only lie next to one another but will always spring apart. i love their house i love their housemates i love the way they offered to make a powerpoint about food waste i love their goat milk and asiago cheese and cabbage pancakes fried rice i love the face they make when i run my fingernails over their scalp i love their voice i love their favorite shirt because it’s several sizes too big and all their clothes are black im not as much of who i am as they are and im not sure i ever will be because it’s willpower and money and i need to find other things in my life to want other than people who will always leave because literature tells us desire is always more than we think it will be and we will always be creating these overexaggerated versions of what ife will really be i need to finish proust i need to make somebody come i need to see their mouth open i need to kiss them i need cherries and enchiladas i need the ants and fruit flies to get the hell out of my house i need more alcohol and higher blood pressure and to divorce my family. how long does it take to be disowned. do i owe it to the people around me . i want kiss i want the moment when they came into my house on their fucking??? lunch break to kiss me and say yeah remember when kim kardashian posted a selfie and kanye west said hey im coming home now. and they pushed me up against the wall and their fucking fingers, i got my vibrator out afterwards and ive had to use it a few times since just thinking of us and the dream their housemate had where they came in and said hey stop having such loud sex even though it was really okay god almighty we should have louder sex this post is paragraphs long and it’s probably all my thoughts but im gonna keep going because i think about their fingers and their skin and mouth and voice and freckles theres no way they think about me this much im fucking pathetic i should probably kill msefl no one thinks about anything this much. but then again i guess i don’t it’s just condensed i have other things to do just what do i Enjoy thinking about it’s fucking being gay and tlaking to them listening to their music hearing them talk about having to lie down because of a fiona apple song such a fucking mistake to get involved with me no im the fucking worst im that fucking crazy girlfriend who won’t let go from the moment you lead me on im ucking hooked it’s so pathetic im extremely drunk just as a disclaimer for anyone who finds this. thats probably enought.

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thoughtsbecomehim-blog · 7 years

Text

i dont feel like i have anybody i can talk to so this is all just going out into empty space for the sake of posterity

i feel like i am being torn apart. sorrow, self pity, anger. hopefulness. the usual shit associated with heartbreak i guess. ive for now and potentially forever lost the person i want. she intermittently wants nothing to do with me and it makes me feel like something less than dirt. we built our lives together, not without mistakes and hardship, for four years. in a number of very important ways i have failed to be what she needed or became it too late. you can’t make somebody want to be with you. i just know that i want her. my memory tells me that most things i do are for her, from the small fires to put out before they turn into big ones for her, from the big ones like moving across the country twice to be with her. i breathe this person. seeing her happy from something i’ve done for her is the best feeling in the world for me. the road to hell is paved with good intentions i suppose.

seeing my roommates happy with each other is like a hammer to my heart as well. their happiness is gut-wrenching and makes my recently deteriorated spirit shrink more and more. they have been a large stressor on our relationship since shortly after we moved in with them. everything was fine, in fact very good at first. i was excited to come home to our house and despite the looming debt of a 4000 dollar bill to get my vehicle back having a place to call our own again negated that. they do not live the same way we do though, they do not respect our things the way they should be nor do they treat shared space with much if any mutual respect.

i told a close friend about some of this over drinks and found out last night that he was doing something bad to another friend of mine. so the guy i was at least willing if not comfortable talking about the turmoil in my life about has lost a ton of respect from me. i dont think i can look at him the same way for a while. i can tell my mom anything but she just doesnt really get it and it’s hard to counsel somebody when they are explaining why and how their relationship between two mentally suspect/unwell people has failed.

ive found some refuge in listening to more music but that doesn’t last. every time my brain isn’t occupied it’s agonizing over what is going to end up happening which is just so unbelievably unhealthy. it is hard to hide whats going on at work and i cant magically be in a work mood when i need to be so when people inevitably ask whats wrong i mostly just want to scream out loud and die. i’m not under the assumption that break ups should be easy but i don’t know how you can ever really be ready to deal with it.

starting a new schedule at work is also not an appealing idea and when i have days off by myself i have no ability to fill the entire day with productivity. those activity gaps are equally agonizing and the time spent in them seems to last three times longer than in reality. i realize the onus is on me to fill those gaps but part of the issue is knowing one is coming and then the anxiety setting in makes it hard to accomplish anything.

we are also dealing with a flea infestation that our roommates are under the impression we, but specifically me, am responsible for. it has solidified the financially unwise but necessary decision to leave after the lease is up in march, along with my now ex partner potentially back to florida for good.

i just feel like a lot of things have stacked against me in a very short amount of time. My relationship deteriorated quickly after we went out with our roommates for one of their birthdays where we felt obligated to go, spend basically all of our money doing so instead getting groceries or whatever. we both had an extremely bad time and took it out on each other. weeks after that her coworker let loose that another coworker has falsely claimed that she and i had ‘fooled around’ which was both completely removed from reality and a vicious attempt to hurt my partner at the expense of my own life and privacy over a crush she has on a guy my partner occasionally hangs out with as friends. the seed of doubt planted, my partner broke up with me because she could not believe me saying it wasn’t true. among a mountain of other more important things, true, but that was the final catalyst. the following two days were filled with hard, crushing words that make me shrivel even remembering.

i know the ways i have failed her as a partner. i know the ways i have loved her and done the right things for her as well. the bad outweighs the good for her. that’s life. i hope we choose to begin anew. as the adults we are. i cannot imagine ever wanting to take care of another person the way i do with her, nor can i imagine being more willing and eager to do so. it is very, very challenging to not let my anxiety about this affect the space i need to give her. being around her literally dissolves my insecurities, this was the first year i have been without a shirt around people who arent extremely close friends or family in 11 years. her being good for my mental health isnt a reason to stay with me though.

ive been thinking about getting a therapist. just somebody to talk to that i dont have to associate with on a regular basis. the first 15 years of my life were intermittently spent in therapists offices with questionable results. i dont know that i can cite any tangible benefit directly related but i know that i dont have any desire to do to somebody else what was done to me so maybe thats a win for therapy. i cant see myself getting seriously suicidal, outside of the momentary contemplation we all experience when things are very tough. but there are some self harm issues, body image issues and other various things that i dont believe i work out myself. there’s also the realization that sometimes stuff like that you just have to carry. it’s not going to leave no matter who you talk to or what pills they give you. whatever facet of my personally that makes me feel like talking about my feelings with my friends is just unloading unwanted baggage for them i truly resent.

every bad feeling you can have about yourself is something i’ve experienced daily for the last two weeks. i want to both collapse and explode at the same time. i want to feel your hand in mine and your lips against mine. i know it’s not going to happen for a long time, if ever.

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