#i <3 comically large anvil

[hehe-etc]

sketching the blorbos <3

[ploppymeep]

transformers series thats just constructed like classic 7 minute looney tunes shorts

[earthtooz]

hurt/comfort blurb based off an ask @missmeinyourbones received :3

gojo x gn!sorcerer!reader, he's ridiculous, lovesick and dramatic in the one but that's how we like him here so. enjoy!!

“where is our couch?”

gojo looks up at you from his phone, grinning at you gently with the small smile that he always wears; one you’ve come to adore over the years. this time, however, it does nothing but irritate you because there is a large, vacant space in the living room that has ‘gojo satoru’ written all over it.

“what do you mean?” he asks but the lilt in his tone tells you everything you need to know.

that one, gojo has everything to do with your missing couch. two, you have fallen for his bait, successfully tricked into talking to him because three hours ago, you refused to acknowledge his existence after a heated argument that ended with you promising to sleep on the couch. yet after one harmless trip to the supermarket, you come back to discover that your bed for the night was missing.

and you know him well enough to know that his giddiness stems from the fact that you’re finally giving him the attention he’s been craving for the past few hours.

“where. is. our. couch?” you reaffirm, emphasising each word so they can get through his thick skull. 

“is it not in the living room?”

he sounds almost delighted at this peculiar interaction, seeming proud of himself as his eyes shine with mirth. they bravely look into your frustrated and irritated ones.

“i am in no mood to bicker, gojo,” you begin, “either you tell me where our couch has gone or i kick you out.”

the sorcerer pouts from where he sits on the bed, curling into a ball as he stares up at you. the sight would’ve been more comical if you weren’t so mad. “that’s not very nice.”

“you don’t deserve nice,” you mutter, turning on your heels to walk away before gojo can melt you with those honeyed words of his. from the bedroom, you hear fumbling and rustling, followed by footsteps. 

instead of paying gojo any mind, you go to the kitchen counter where you left the many bags of groceries you bought.

he rests his elbows on the kitchen island, subliminally begging for an ounce of your attention whilst you sort through the bags. “would you like some help?”

you give him a brief side-eye before resuming. his pout worsens.

“if i tell you what happened to our couch, will you promise to sleep on the bed tonight?” pleads the white-haired, “with me?”

you sigh, “yes.”

“i warped it somewhere.”

“what?” you almost drop the carton of eggs in your hold. “what do you mean ‘somewhere’?”

“somewhere in jujutsu tech, i’m not really sure.” he cringes at the glare you shoot him. “i was gonna get it back if you agreed!”

that was your last straw. running a hand down your face, you don’t see the way that your lover stares at you with hope from the corner of your eye. 

“for goodness’ sake, why did you warp our couch?” you quiz. 

“because you were going to sleep there,” he murmurs, “and i didn’t know how else to change your mind.”

“you’re twenty-three, gojo. you should know a thing or two about how to reconcile properly by now.” 

his pout worsens at the use of his family name. “i am a man in love, y/n, do you know what they say about men in love?”

before you can even think of a snarky remark, realisation hits you like an anvil. whenever gojo uses his teleportation technique it always… leaves… something behind. 

rushing over to the carpet that used to be under the couch, you almost have a heart attack when you lift it up and see the scorched marks that occur as a byproduct. the white-haired leans against the kitchen island innocently, whistling.

“and what are you planning on doing about this?” you shriek. you try to remain calm, really, but it’s hard to do so because gojo has an affinity for driving you to the brink of insanity.

“i will get someone to fix it, i promise!”

“and will they not be suspicious that there are marks in our floor?”

“a little bribery never hurt nobody, and i have a lot of money to bribe someone successfully. plus, i have connections in the jujutsu world!”

you drop the carpet, giving up. “i’m calling shoko to crash at hers for the night-”

“-then i’ll warp her house.”

“can you even do that? a couch is pretty impressive already.”

“so you think i’m impressive?”

“gojo.”

“i don’t know if i can teleport a house but i’m always willing to try.”

you hate him, you decide. “even if you could warp a house, you shouldn’t, because shoko will kick your ass.” 

“but you’ll protect me, won’t you?” 

you say nothing, merely glancing at your boyfriend before reaching for your phone in your pockets. however, before you could even unlock the device, gojo is beside you, crouched down to your level. he maintains a respectable distance, one that does not invade your personal space whilst fulfilling his need to be close to you. 

“are you actually leaving?” he whispers brokenly, completely changing the atmosphere as his eyes begin to shine with tears that threaten to spill. 

your words are lodged in your throat at the pitiful sight. whilst some part of your brain curses you for giving in so easily, the other part that loves gojo (who are you kidding, all of you loves him) begins to feel a little bad.

he continues, reaching for your hand to play with your fingers, “please don’t leave. i’m sorry for what i said when we were arguing. i love you,” he pauses for a second before adding as an afterthought: “a lot.” 

gojo’s apology, although a little awkward and rushed, is nothing short of endearing, successfully quelling the waves of frustration and anger you’ve been feeling for the past few hours. although the hurt has not completely faded, it’s a little less suffocating to be around him now.

his life is far from normal, you understand that, and you realised that it would be something you had to deal with when you started dating him in your last year at jujutsu tech. but you fell for gojo because of his sporadicity. life may have not been the same ever since, but in a world where all you are gifted is targets on your back in exchange for keeping lives safe, his love is a refreshing oasis for you to return to when all is said and done. 

even though he expresses it through unconventional ways, such as teleporting your couch because he was heartbroken at the prospect of being away from you, you think it’s a fair trade. 

as a way of accepting his apology, you open your arms for him and the white-haired doesn’t even let a second pass by before he’s crashing into you. 

it’s comforting, the way he holds onto you like you’ll slip from his grasp otherwise. “i’ll go get our couch back soon,” he mutters into you, squeezing your waist a little tighter.

“we’re having a moment, gojo, please don’t mention the couch or i’ll be angry again.”

“sorry,” the white-haired raises his head to look at you, “can i at least get nickname privileges back?”

“you’re ridiculous,” you huff, “no.”

[naomijoestar]

SWAG okay I was just asking if like. La Squadra with a goth reader but the Stand is like one of those little cute clown dolls???

Kinda like one of these if that makes sense??

Masterlist here <3

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed writing this, I’ve been wanting to give La Squadra something for so long!

You didn’t specify whether this is platonic or they’re dating so I made it platonic, I hope you don’t mind. 💕

(Stand side nots: it’s small in size but not as small as the sex pistols, stand abilities: cartoon physics type of stuff, you’ll understand what I mean when you read)

La Squadra with a goth intimidating reader who’s stand is a cute clown

(Bucci Gang version)

Risotto Nero

Risotto eyes you from the shadows, his gaze a piercing mix of curiosity and wariness. He’s used to assessing threats at a glance, and your dark, gothic aura suggests you’re someone worth watching. Expecting a deadly stand to match your look, he’s caught off guard when a colorful, plushy clown appears at your side, giving him a cheerful wave. Risotto’s eyebrow twitches in confusion. “That…is your stand?”

You merely nod, unbothered by his judgmental tone, and watch as the clown suddenly pulls out a giant anvil from behind its back. Without a moment’s hesitation, it hoists the heavy object above its head and slams it down toward Risotto. He dodges just in time, but a massive crater forms where he’d been standing. Now, his interest is piqued.

The battle is intense, with Risotto using Metallica to manipulate nearby iron objects, while your stand counters with cartoonish props that make no sense. When Risotto sends sharp metal scalpels flying your way, the clown produces a comically large pair of scissors, snipping each projectile mid-air before any can touch you. He clenches his teeth, frustrated but impressed, realizing your stand’s unpredictability is a dangerous advantage.

As the fight progresses, Risotto attempts to corner you, but your clown keeps pulling off unexpected tricks: an endless rope to trip him up, a cartoonish boxing glove that launches itself from its body to land a powerful blow, and even a giant magnet that affects his own stand. Despite his usual stoicism, you catch a slight twitch of a smile at the edge of his mouth, a rare acknowledgment of respect.

Formaggio

The moment Formaggio sees your stand, he bursts into laughter. “A clown? For you?” he teases, clearly amused by the contrast. He underestimates both you and the clown, finding the sight of it bouncing around in its colorful, knitted outfit hilarious. “Oh, this is too rich! What’s it gonna do? Tell me a joke?”

But as he’s busy laughing, the clown’s wide grin turns mischievous. With a snap of its fingers, it pulls out an oversized mousetrap and sets it right near his feet. Just as he takes a step forward, SNAP! Formaggio yelps, his foot caught in the trap as the clown cackles, its high-pitched laughter echoing.

Annoyed, he shrinks himself down, hoping to slip away undetected, but your stand has other plans. Suddenly, a tiny circus tent appears around him, trapping him inside with exaggerated cartoon walls that stretch and contract whenever he tries to push against them. He scrambles around, bumping into props like juggling pins and rubber balls, each one oversized and ridiculous. Every escape attempt is thwarted by the clown stand, which gleefully watches from outside, tapping its nose as if to say ‘Nice try!’

Frustrated, Formaggio finally escapes, only to be greeted by a pie to the face courtesy of your stand. You can’t help but smirk as he stumbles, wiping cream from his eyes. Lesson learned: don’t judge a stand by its appearance.

Illuso

Illuso sneers, confident he can handle whatever your stand throws at him. He’s unimpressed by the clown’s playful antics, crossing his arms with a smug grin. “That thing can’t possibly stand a chance in the Mirror World,” he scoffs. He reaches out, attempting to drag the clown into his dimension. But as he tries, the clown’s face smashes against the mirror like it’s in a slapstick cartoon, flattening with a loud ‘SMACK!’

Irritated, Illuso tries again, but the clown wiggles its finger at him in a mocking gesture. Then, with a flourish, it pulls out a comically large mallet and begins pounding the mirror. Each hit causes cracks to form in the reflective surface, sending Illuso scrambling to repair it from his side.

Realizing he’s losing control of the situation, he attempts to flee, but the clown is relentless, conjuring up ridiculous items: a huge pair of pliers that it uses to tug on his jacket from the real world, a tube of glue that it splatters across the mirror to trap him, and even a giant, inflatable hammer that bounces him around when he tries to escape. By the end, Illuso is fuming, his pride wounded as he’s bested by what he initially thought was a “harmless joke.”

Prosciutto

Prosciutto gives your clown stand a cold, judgmental look. “How ridiculous,” he mutters, activating The Grateful Dead to age it immediately. He expects the clown to crumble like any other target, but instead, the clown’s cheerful expression only morphs into an exaggerated elderly one, complete with a fake beard and comically oversized glasses. It hobbles around, leaning on an imaginary cane, but still manages to wave cheekily at Prosciutto.

Annoyed, he increases the aging effect, but the clown retaliates by pulling out a huge spray bottle labeled “Youth Juice” and spritzing itself. With a little shake, it reverts to its original state, completely unaffected by Prosciutto’s stand. He grits his teeth, realizing this is going to be more complicated than he anticipated.

As the fight goes on, your clown stand begins to toy with him, pulling absurd stunts to dodge his attacks. At one point, it stretches out its arm impossibly long to reach around him, delivering a surprise slap across his cheek. When he lunges at it, the clown conjures up a banana peel, sending him sliding across the floor in a rare moment of humiliation. By the end, Prosciutto’s usual calm demeanor is shattered, replaced with a barely restrained fury as he realizes he’s been made a fool of.

Pesci

Pesci is intimidated by your dark, gothic look, but the clown stand’s cheerful demeanor throws him off balance. He chuckles nervously, finding its antics strangely endearing. He reaches out, almost wanting to pat it, but that’s when the clown’s eyes glint with mischief. Suddenly, it pulls out a gigantic fishing pole, casting the line straight at Pesci’s Beach Boy.

To his horror, it hooks onto Beach Boy and starts reeling it in, dragging him along with it. He panics, trying to regain control, but your clown stand is relentless, pulling out one absurdly oversized object after another: a big rubber chicken that smacks him across the face, a fake tunnel painted on the wall that he crashes into, and even a gigantic fishbowl that it briefly traps Beach Boy inside.

Pesci ends up sprawled on the ground, out of breath and utterly bewildered, realizing that the “cute” clown was anything but harmless.

Melone

Melone’s analytical mind goes into overdrive the moment he sees your stand. He’s immediately intrigued, trying to understand how something so cute could pack such a punch. He releases Baby Face, expecting the creation to take care of the clown stand quickly. But your clown is ready. It pulls out an enormous vacuum cleaner and begins sucking up Baby Face’s cubes as they approach, each one vanishing with a satisfying “pop.”

“Fascinating,” Melone mutters, momentarily captivated. But his awe turns to frustration as the clown pulls out more absurd props: a giant fly swatter to smack down any cubes that regenerate, a massive cartoonish rubber band that it snaps at Baby Face, sending it flying back, and even a bucket of water it throws in Baby Face’s direction, which somehow shorts out its pieces temporarily.

Melone watches in frustrated fascination, torn between admiration and irritation as your clown completely disrupts his plans. His usual calm is nowhere to be found as he finally realizes that no amount of calculation could prepare him for your stand’s chaotic nature.

Ghiaccio

Ghiaccio scoffs the moment he sees your stand, launching into a furious rant about how impractical it is. “A clown? Are you serious? How can you take this fight seriously with something like that?!” he shouts, his icy rage fueling White Album’s powers. He expects you to be intimidated, but your clown merely giggles and pulls out an enormous fan, blowing back his freezing attacks with ease.

As Ghiaccio’s temper flares, the clown pulls out a barrage of comedic props: rubber chickens, cream pies, and a mallet that’s almost as big as he is. Each item hits him with perfect comedic timing, making him look increasingly ridiculous as he stumbles, rants, and struggles to stay upright. His face flushes with frustration as he realizes he’s being outmaneuvered by a “stupid clown.”

His final attempt to attack is thwarted when the clown produces a firecracker, tossing it at his feet with a cheeky wink. The explosion leaves him covered in soot, looking like a classic cartoon character after a mishap. Seething, he roars, “STOP LAUGHING!” as your clown grins back, unfazed.

I hope you enjoyed this! If you’d like anything fixed or anything specific don’t be shy to message me and tell me!

If you liked this make sure to check out my other work, and if you’d like anything specific for any jjba character/squad from parts 1-7 don’t be shy to request it!

[halcyon-deluxe]

who are ur top 3 mutuals u wish u could smash?

1) @navigaero

He's pretty annoying so I'd probably crush him with a boulder or like a large statue.... idk i might have to think more on this one.

2) @spaceytingz

He regularly pisses me off so I'd probably hit him with a train or some high speed object, but if I'm being honest I'm like 99% sure he's immortal and would probably crush me before i even finish typin-[comically large anvil falls from the sky, killing me instantly]

3) @calellon

Idk his face just screams "hit me with a baseball bat"

[captainamericaswifereal]

Hey GIGGOT, Gimme Your Craziest Regretevator Headcanojsb or I’ll Hit You With a Comically Large Anvil Until Your Head Makes a Ding Dong Noise :33

Way to threaten me :(((

Okay let's thinkkkk.

☆ Well, obviously I headcanon that Bive is ticklish and cuz she overthinks alot Split will tickle her so she can't think<3

☆ Wallter slow dancing, specifically to old music by himself (he used to with Mark.)

☆ CURVY INFECTED!!! also internalized homophobia (in love with his best friend) (lampert)

☆ all prns prototype cause YES!!!

☆ Dr Retro sister to Enphoso and giving him personal calls if he harms customers at his store. "You hurt an innocent man!!" "Heheheheheh."

☆ abomination spud, hairy, made of sewed pieces of different creatures

☆ he/they Jeremy. Probably also uses sigma as a pronoun

That's all for now, hope u enjoy :3

[yaois-revenge]

i almost died at work today

quite the dramatic way to word it; but it’s an easy attention-getter! a large, heavy display sign decorated with coffee names and artwork propped behind screws in the ceiling suddenly became dislodged, and fell, like a comical anvil from the sky. it crashed, clattered, just an inch behind me. i had been standing right where it landed just 10 seconds before it came down. and everyone laughed, at the absurdity of it all. how does such a thing happen? i laughed the hardest; i brushed off any chances of concern from others. it was hilarious. i almost wish it hit me. i almost wish that just, for a spare moment in time, i could be cradled like i was something precious—like an injured, broken-winged bird that is pitied on the side of the road. i’ve always had that deep longing, for something terribly drastic to happen to me, so i could find an escape—perhaps within the pity. because pity is the closest form of mercy i can find.

3/2/24

9:18 pm

[these-detestable-hands]

Aw barnacles

Hey Mav if I texted my crush and said "I like you but I don't want pursue a relationship, just wanted to get it off my chest bc it's been weighing on me", do you think there would be negative consequences?

depends on if you actually don't want to persue a relationship or not

[powersnuffgirls]

This app is so buggy that oftentimes when I like a post it drops an ad down on it like a comically large anvil. Glad all the funding goes into shitty merch production and their advertising rather than the site itself <3

[gloriabomfim]

Part 1: In the dark room, Screwy encounters Joey.EXE.

[The scene is set in a dimly lit, eerie room. Shadows dance ominously along the walls as Screwy, the cartoonish cockroach, cautiously tiptoes through the darkness, his large white eyes glowing faintly.]

Screwy: [mumbling to himself] "Gee, this place is darker than the inside of a cow. What am I doin' here, anyhow?"

[As he continues to explore, a sinister presence slowly materializes from the shadows. Joey.EXE, the malevolent entity, steps into the dim light, his unsettling purple and pink form looming over Screwy.]

Joey.EXE: [a sinister grin spreading across his face] "Well, well, well… What have we here? A little pest lost in the darkness."

Screwy: [startled, jumping back] "Whoa there, buddy! No need to get all spooky on me. I'm just lookin' for the exit, you know?"

[Joey.EXE's black eyes pierce into Screwy's with an intensity that sends shivers down his spine.]

Joey.EXE: [in a demonic voice] "You're in my domain now, Screwy. Prepare to meet your fate."

[Screwy gulps nervously, realizing that he's in for an eerie encounter with this menacing figure in the dark room.]

Part 2: In 10 montages, Joey.EXE "kills" Screwy.

[The dark room becomes the backdrop for a series of bizarre and sinister events as Joey.EXE unleashes his malevolent powers upon Screwy.]

Montage 1: [Joey.EXE raises his clawed hand, and Screwy is lifted into the air, his limbs flailing wildly. Screwy's attempts at comical escape only result in him being twisted into a contorted and helpless position.]

Screwy: [panicking] "Whoa, whoa, easy there! I'm not a pretzel!"

Montage 2: [Joey.EXE gestures, and the room around them transforms into a nightmarish hellscape. Screwy, wide-eyed and bewildered, attempts to adapt to the surreal environment. He faces grotesque horrors at every turn.]

Screwy: [trembling] "This ain't no cartoon! What's goin' on?"

Montage 3: [Joey.EXE morphs into an exact copy of Screwy, leaving the cartoon cockroach baffled. Screwy desperately tries to distinguish the real one from the fake, resulting in a series of comedic mix-ups.]

Screwy: [confused] "Wait a minute! If I'm me, and you're me, then who's me?"

Montage 4: [Joey.EXE conjures dark, ghostly illusions that torment Screwy. Terrifying images of his worst fears flood his vision, causing him to question his sanity.]

Screwy: [terrified] "Stop messin' with my head! This is too spooky for me!"

Montage 5: [Joey.EXE teleports around Screwy in a rapid blur, each appearance accompanied by eerie laughter. Screwy's attempts to evade him result in more teleportation and torment.]

Screwy: [frustrated] "Quit it with the disappearing act! It's not funny anymore!"

Montage 6: [Joey.EXE summons a barrage of cartoonish weapons, from giant mallets to explosive devices. Screwy attempts to dodge and deflect, but each move ends in exaggerated slapstick accidents.]

Screwy: [ducking and weaving] "Is this a Looney Tunes crossover? Somebody call Daffy Duck!"

Montage 7: [Joey.EXE stretches Screwy's limbs to absurd lengths, turning him into a living accordion. Screwy's contorted body becomes a source of twisted amusement for the malevolent entity.]

Screwy: [stretching] "I always wanted to be a stretch limousine, but this is ridiculous!"

Montage 8: [Joey.EXE envelops Screwy in a whirlwind of cartoonish chaos. Screwy is spun uncontrollably, cartoon objects swirling around him like a tornado.]

Screwy: [dizzy] "I feel like a spin cycle on a washing machine! Make it stop!"

Montage 9: [Joey.EXE transforms Screwy into various objects, from anvils to oversized bubblegum bubbles. Each transformation subjects Screwy to bizarre and uncomfortable experiences.]

Screwy: [muffled in a bubble] "At least I'm minty fresh, but I can't breathe!"

Montage 10: [Joey.EXE, with a final malevolent gesture, erases the very essence of Screwy's cartoon existence. Screwy's joyful silliness fades away, leaving only an empty void where he once stood.]

Screwy: [vanishing] "I guess this is… [poof] …the end."

[As the last traces of Screwy disappear, Joey.EXE revels in his victory, proclaiming, "I AM GOD!" in his chilling voice. The dark room falls silent, and Screwy is no more.]

[kiwinatorwaffles]

everybody’s powers in the hero au

how could i make a superhero au without thinking of awesome powers for every character involved? exactly!

take this combined effort from me and my friends to come up with hilarious and interesting powers from both the main and side characters <3 full post under cut!

update- may 26, 2022: i have an updated version! it's much more elaborate and is in the style of an archive document, so check that out in this post!

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

x: void portals. he can open them in space and they transport either himself or other people/things out of another one. strong on his own, but even better as a support power (which you’ll see with ex)

ex: none. but he knows martial arts and has weapons that he will use without hesitation. works tremendously well when paired with x.

wels: basically has the power of Cool Sword. he can summon different weapons (think erza from fairy tail, if you know what that is) which are strengthened by his spirit, but only if he sings out their names. he’s incredibly good at singing because of this!

hels: he just sets his own sword on fire basically and he’s jealous of wels’ power

boatem incorporated

grian: used to just be an alien bird with crazy batshit insane powers, but flew into a waffle house and got bitten by a radioactive human (jevin). now he can also turn into a human! he can breathe fire and has super strength, but he only has those powers in his bird form.

pearl: same species of alien bird as grian (they are lost siblings) except she Got Good and learned how to maintain a human form and use her powers. she can shoot lasers out of her eyes, fly, and has super strength.

scar: cartoon logic! he can defy gravity, but only if he doesn’t look down. he can summon a comically large hammer out of nowhere. he can summon banana peels to trip his enemies. all he needs to do is put on a hat and a silly mask and suddenly he’s mr. goodtimes and nobody recognizes him! but he has a weakness to pianos and anvils.

mumbo: a robot! basically becomes vision if connected to wifi, but his power depends on the ping. give him shitty wifi and he moves at 5fps. he can go offline mode, but will have no powers outside of limb stretching in this state.

impulse: candy summoning! as long as the candy meets the two requirements of having sugar and being unhealthy, he can summon it. the only nerf is that he needs to carry sugar on him at all times, which has led to quite a few misunderstandings.

big eyes crew

keralis: mind control. pretty fucking overpowered. but he often accidentally ends up using it in times that he doesn’t intend (however he does it to tango on purpose while playing it off as an accident)

bdubs: he is Literally just a glare. he hisses in the dark. he bites.

tango: his hair can turn into fire… but that’s about it? it can roast marshmallows, but it can’t really burn anything. he’s mainly used as a human torch and is the getaway driver LMAO

lulu: big eyes crew’s shitty getaway car. she looks like she’ll break down at a gust of wind, but she can go up to incredible speeds. she can also fly.

ungrouped

zed: none. he was an inventor before the whole hero thing, but joined the heroes league for his little brother as a part of the mechanical division :]

worm man: being… a worm LMAO he has the ability to go through floors and “swim” in them like water.

cub: he’s just a random alien they let be the front counter guy. his powers are currently unknown.

gem: she controls your math grade. so pay attention to her class or else.

other side characters

doc: psychokinesis- can control things with his mind. easily one of the strongest heroes, but his lack of morals and daydrinking tendencies make him very risky to deploy. he’s only called over for emergency situations.

ren: bloodbending. his power increases with the moon phases. also can make really good coffee

etho: literally a magical girl, with transformation and a magical girl outfit and everything. he has the power of anime logic, where if he has friendship, he instantly wins. also bdubs is his “animal” companion

tfc: minecraft logic. he can float blocks and do all kinds of batshit insane things. he’s retired, though.

cleo: she’s a zombie so she can easily regenerate in a strange way! she’s not a hero, but if anyone ever needed her for a situation, then she’s more than happy to help.

stress: flower power baby!!! grows lots of cool plants as combat.

that’s all i have for now! i’ll probably add more if i think of any.

[codecicle]

TEENY!! TINY, EVEN!!!!! realistically i SHOULD be taller, my dad IS 6'3"! issue is my mom is 5'3" and nerfed me. ive been almost this exact height for 3 years man i can't get any taller so im gonna start trying to shrink. dropping a comically large anvil on myself until my bones compress another 2 inches to round myself out at 5 foot exactly

height comparison sites never quite convey the absolute terror of having to look up at someone and realizing they're an entire foot taller than you. shoulder-to-shoulder is nothing to face-to-face

[misscrawfords]

So you want to read something like Jane Austen?

I see lots of posts where people answer this question with recommendations for classic historical romance authors like Georgette Heyer or more modern bodice-rippers like Julia Quinn or Tessa Dare. But to me that’s never quite the appropriate answer. Sure, if what you want is romance with country dancing and breeches, that’s fine, but surely if you want to read more things similar to Jane Austen, the best way to do that is to delve into her lesser known contemporaries. People Austen admired and people who admired her. People writing on similar themes and using similar language. 

So this is my list of 10 novels from the 18th and early 19th century that you might like to try if you’ve read Austen and want to branch out more. These are just personal recommendations and based off what I’ve read; I’m very happy to hear other suggestions!

Worth noting as well that all of these are available online or free for kindle download. :)

1. Evelina, or the History of a Young Lady's Entrance into the World by Fanny Burney (1778) Summary: Evelina Anville is a shy, innocent country girl who is invited to London by friends. Here, she attempts to navigate the complicated social mores of the season while keeping her integrity. She encounters handsome men, vulgar relations and gets into numerous alarming and hilarious scrapes along the way to discovering her true noble heritage and winning the love and hand of the charming Lord Orville. Why you should read it: A great first novel for Austen fans to get into who aren’t otherwise familiar with literature of the period. Burney’s first novel is sparkling, witty, filled with dialogue and not very long. The humour is more robust than Austen’s - it’s definitely Georgian rather than Regency - but a lot of the scenarios will be familiar to Austen readers. Particularly recommended for fans of Northanger Abbey, Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice and readers who like historical romances set during the London season.

2. Cecilia, or Memoirs of an Heiress by Fanny Burney (1782) Summary: Cecilia Beverley is an orphaned heiress who will only inherit her fortune on the very specific condition that her husband takes her name. Until she turns 21 she is left with three very different guardians - the profligate Mr. Harrell, the proud Mr. Delvile, and the vulgar Mr. Briggs. Cecilia must protect herself from the advances of the unscrupulous fortune hunters she meets and deal with her feelings for young Mortimer Delvile, whose family is excessively proud of its ancient name. Why you should read it: IMO Cecilia is a masterpiece. It’s a much longer and complex novel than Evelina but it contains fierce social satire and commentary of a world where women are horribly vulnerable and money rules all interactions pointing forwards to authors like Dickens and Eliot. Burney is a little more moralistic and less witty here but it’s a fascinating portrayal of a highly intelligent and capable, independent woman in a world where she is constrained by the men around her, in the kind of plot that romance novelists can only dream of. It’s also worth noting that Pride and Prejudice was arguably written as a response to Cecilia and it is very interesting to spot and consider the ways in which Austen was explicitly influenced by this novel and what she changed in writing Pride and Prejudice. Particularly recommended for fans of Pride and Prejudice and Emma. Please note that this novel contains a suicide and (period appropriate) mental illness.

3. Belinda by Maria Edgeworth (1801) Summary: Belinda Portman is sent to live with the fashionable Lady Delacour in London with whom she develops a strong friendship. Part of the plot deals with Lady Delacour’s fear that she has breast cancer and part with the customary romantic entanglements of a young girl out in the London season. Why you should read it: Maria Edgeworth was one of the most popular novelists of Austen’s day - and was far more commercially successful. Belinda is her second novel and has been compared to Austen for its natural portrayal of character. Lady Delacour is the most interesting character - a slightly older woman, independent, strong-minded and fearless. Particularly recommended for fans of Persuasion, Lady Susan, Sanditon and of potentially queer subtext, intriguing references to interracial marriages (look it up!) and 18th century surgery.

4. Patronage by Maria Edgeworth (1814) Summary: A magnum opus almost Dickensian in scale charting the rises and falls of two neighbouring families, the hard-working and virtuous Percy family and the ambitious, scheming Falconers. The daughters need marriages, the sons need careers and the paterfamilias of each family must make tough decisions about what he wants his family to stand for. Why you should read it: This novel is admittedly a brick and tough to get through at times but it really is worth it. You are plunged into Regency society in a way no other contemporary novel succeeds in with a large and varied cast of characters. The novel also takes you into the world of men and their professions in a way that Austen never does. Particularly recommended for fans of Mansfield Park (which was published in the same year) and people who want to learn more about Regency society in all its forms.

5. Rob Roy by Walter Scott (1817) Summary: Romantic Frank Osbaldistone leaves his father’s business in London to visit his cousins in north England where he meets and falls in love with the beautiful and charming Diana Vernon, gets caught up in a Jacobite plot and the scheming of his wicked cousin, Rashleigh, and meets the famous Scottish outlaw, Rob Roy. Why you should read it: There were several Scott novels that could be included here but I picked Rob Roy for its attractive portrayal of Diana, since Scott is not always great at writing 3D heroines Austen fans will like. Scott was the most successful novelist at the time, bursting onto the novel scene writing novels with a male protagonist at a time when most novels were by, for and about women. Scott and Austen admired each other a great deal despite writing in very different genres, with Scott writing historical romances rather than contemporary social satires. Particularly recommended for fans of Persuasion, Northanger Abbey and Pride and Prejudice.

6. The Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe (1794) Summary: Set vaguely in the 16th century, this most famous gothic novel follows the adventures of Emily St Aubert from her father’s French estate to Venice with her aunt, Madame Cheron after he dies and then, when her aunt marries the sinister Montoni, to his castle in the Italian Apennines.  Why you should read it: C’mon, it’s Udolpho! Don’t you want to know what’s behind the infamous black veil? Northanger Abbey will be 10 times better once you’ve read Udolpho and despite the excessive amount of fainting, overuse of the word “sublime” and far too many spontaneous reciting of poetry, it’s a genuinely engaging adventure novel with larger-than-life characters, daring adventures, and some really beautiful descriptions of France and Italy. Particularly recommended for fans of Northanger Abbey, obviously.

7. Nightmare Abbey by Thomas Love Peacock (1818) Summary: Utterly ridiculous gothic satire with a tenuous plot about a morose widower who lives with his son, Scythrop, in a crumbling mansion in Lincolnshire, but you’re not reading this for the plot. Why you should read it: I read it for university, having never heard of it before, and found it hilarious. Published in the same year as Northanger Abbey, it is similar in poking fun at gothic conventions. It depends on a reasonable knowledge of gothic novels and contemporary literature and philosophy so not a novel for beginners to undertake unless you have an edition with a commentary, but it’s very short and absolutely absurd. Particularly recommended for fans of Northanger Abbey and the Juvenilia.

8. Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded by Samuel Richardson (1740) Summary: Pamela is a maid in Mr. B’s house and must use all her ingenuity to fend off her employer’s advances and convert his many and increasingly desperate attempts to seduce her into a marriage proposal. Why you should read it: Pamela was a sensation when it was first published. Written in the form of letters, it was arguably the first novel to really get into the brain of a young woman and was quite radical in its treatment of the relationship between the sexes, consequently being highly influential on subsequent novels. Any of Richardson’s novels could deserve a place here - Clarissa is arguably his best but it’s ridiculously long and I haven’t read it, and Sir Charles Grandison was apparently Austen’s favourite novel but I also haven’t read it. Pamela is probably the most approachable but please note, in case the summary didn’t set off enough alarm bells, its depiction of consent is very much of its time. Particularly recommended for fans of the literary culture into which Austen was born.

9. Marriage by Susan Ferrier (1813) Summary: Lady Juliana rather foolishly elopes with an impoverished Scot and must adapt to living in his rundown estate in the Highlands. The first half of the novel deals with Juliana’s comic attempts to deal with this rough kind of living while the second half, set 17 years later, follows Juliana’s daughter, Mary, a virtuous girl, who goes to live in Bath with her cousins, including the “naughty” Adelaide. Why you should read it: Ferrier was another author much more popular than Austen at the time. Marriage is similar to Burney and Edgeworth in its plots and scopes and there are moments when she almost reaches Austen’s wit. It is, however, rather more heavy-handed in its obvious morality and in the way it contrasts its good heroine and bad (but far more appealing) anti-heroine. Very typical of women’s novels of the time. Particularly recommended for fans of Sense and Sensibility and Mansfield Park.

10. St Ronan’s Well by Walter Scott (1824) Summary: This novel follows Francis Tyrell and his attempts to marry his former love, Clara Mowbray, and fend off his rival, the engaging but sinister Lord Etherington. All of this is set under a backdrop of the gossip and scandal-mongering of a fictional Scottish spa town.  Why you should read it: This is a self-indulgent inclusion - I wrote my dissertation on it, Scott’s least known and least loved novel. It’s Scott’s only attempt to write a contemporary novel and it is obvious that he is influenced by Austen and trying in many ways to emulate her. It’s not entirely successful and the novel is an uneasy mix of sparkling dialogue and social satire with melodrama and romantic tragedy. The characters are really great, however, particularly Scott’s portrayal of Clara’s deep unhappiness, and the plot quite shocking- make sure you get hold of a first edition or at least read up on it, as Scott was later forced to remove his earlier references to pre-marital sex, which is really key for the plot. Particularly recommended for fans of Emma, Mansfield Park and Persuasion.

[tahanismoved]

Hi! Hi! Hello!

[crowd continues to cheer]

Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.

[cheering fades away]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

[light audience laughter]

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]

[audience laughs]

I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[audience laughter]

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]

[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]

[audience laughs]

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”

[audience laughs and John nods curtly]

That’s pure mom.

[a little more audience laughter]

My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.

[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”

[audience laughs]

But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]

He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”

My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs]

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true.

I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris”

[turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side]

Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

[audience laughter]

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

[return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13.

[audience laughs as John wears a confused expression]

So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.

13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

[audience laughter]

Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”

[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.

[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”

[light audience laughter]

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shirt? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shirt? It’s a grid system, motherforker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bench!!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]

That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.

[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]

[light audience laughter]

But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshirt, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”

[John straightens up and audience laughs]

[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”

[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist ashole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!

[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]

The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shirt move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]

It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”

[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]

[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]

So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?

I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]

Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases.

I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”

[looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs]

And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?”

[nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?”

[makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: dink Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one.

I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] forking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.”

I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs]

A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause]

[John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment]

[looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant.

Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do appreciate you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.

Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]

People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]

I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]

[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]

Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]

Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.

Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.

After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]

[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]

[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]

I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]

I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]

[waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ���cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs]

I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter]

[suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter]

I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter]

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs]

Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter]

Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs]

My girlfriend’s a female and I had all these friends that were female. So when I started dating her I was like “oh great, they’ll all get along… no.” Not even a little at the beginning. I don’t want to make any generalizations about women because I don’t know shirt about women, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in my personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, (In a hesitant tone) but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work.

Like, I don’t think that you could ever put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Oceans eleven with women would never work! Cause’ two would keep breaking off and start talking shirt about the other nine. Or not even talk shirt, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.(Pretending to break into a safe with a stethoscope) Just be like: “aww, I love how you just wear anything.”

(Audience Chuckles)

My girlfriend is wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone whose always standing next to me (Steps to the side and acts as if someone is currently standing next to him) who can just point out obvious things that are happening.

Like we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: “you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now” and I’m like “yeahhh it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: “the bus driver shouldn’t talk to you in that way” and I’m like: “no he shouldn’t!” (As he waves his arms around as if in confidence). Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me and I was just like a young Motown singer. I was like shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I’m like (in a Motown/black accent): “aww man, you’re gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?”And now when I’m not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me. I can tolerate any treatment.

Like I try to travel alone sometimes you know and I’ll put up with anything. Like ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know I don’t want to name any actual airline so lets just make one up and so lets just call it delta airlines. So I’ve got my ticket at “Delta Airlines”(Does air quotes) and I show up at the airport. “Can I get on the plane now please (figuratively hands ticket to fake person)?” And their like (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NO! ITS BEEN DELAYED 9 HOURS! (Spits)” and I go (Like a child) “Okayyy” and I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go(Like a child): “any updates?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, GO! FETCH! (As if he pretends to throw a stick for a dog playing fetch).” And I go (Like a child): “Okayyyyy” and I go over to the Wolfgang puck express and am like(Like a child): “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I go(Like a child): “Okayyyyyy” and they go(Like a bully at school): “You’re a little fat girl aren’t you?” and I go(Like a child): “noooo! Noooo!” and they go (Like a bully): “Say it!’ and I go (Like a child): “I’m a little fat girl.” And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron and I go(Like a child): “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” and I go(Like a child): “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Because we’re Delta Airlines: life is a forking nightmare!” But with my girlfriend she would be like: “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights?” So it’s better… (Audience laughs and claps lightly)

My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose. (Audience laughs) Uhhhh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like: “ahhh I got one!”(Pretending to grab someone) I mean I… I… I’m not Jewish, but I’ve always liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great! Because I think what a lot of people have in relationships is communication cause guys don’t know what women are thinking. And with Jewish women you don’t have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you. Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. I’ll get in trouble, you won’t. I really do mean this though I… I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very up front with their feelings. They’re very… they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable.

You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.” Like in Ireland it’s like(In Irish tone): “oh your boy, he died.” And it’s like(In Irish tone): “Alright bury the boy, do it bury the boy. Burry the boyyyyy.” (Audience laughs) Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. Its like a turtleneck made out of “Brillo” pads. I used to date gentile women and… (Pauses)… (Audience laughs)… I dated this girl she used to stare out the window all day long and I’m like, what’s wrong (In a sarcastic playful tone)? And she’d be like: “you wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” (In a pissed off tone) What the fork am I supposed to do with that?!? (Audience laughs)

My Jewish girlfriend and I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and…(stutters) and then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a significant other. She’s very present. Jews don’t daydream, (In a playful tone) ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go (frantically speaking and pointing): “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? What’s that over there? Don’t do that!” (Audience Laughs)

“I’m Irish… I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. (Audience laughs, Mulaney imitates sitting in a chair eating) I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like ill show up at a party and they’ll be like: “(acting as if to point) Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and Oh! Hey! Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? (His eyes are now wide open). I know you don’t drink (winking, audience laughs). Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? (winking) I know you don’t drink!” (Pauses)

Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs)

Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs)

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it (pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was.

Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an ashole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN ashole! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shirt ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs) So the party was going great (sarcastically).

I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “fork DA POLICE! fork DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “fork da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs)

The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “fork THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!”

And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs).

On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a shirt on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?”

I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock) … relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing) (Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before) And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs) And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how forked up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps)

So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. (audience laughs but almost in confusion) That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse. (audience laughs)

And I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” (Audience chuckles) That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw (giggling) Adolph Hitler (acting out a walking motion) just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. (Audience laughs) I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. Id murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man! (Acting it out)” and Id be like: “he looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…” (Audience laughs and claps)

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he pushed me like that (as he acts out a pushing motion), he pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He pushed me and he said (in a strange accent): “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have aids, I’m new in town.” (Mulaney looks confused as the audience cracks up) You’re gonna close with “New in town?” that is not the most dramatic thing you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry McGuire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his like pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? Ya know in the morning ya know just be like (He then imitates what this gay man would be doing in the mirror): “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do tonight? Imma walk up and say hello, no that’s too subtle imam push him. Imma push him. And I’m gonna say I’m new in town, no no hold back hold back. Save it. Build to that. I’m about to walk up to him, imma push him and go I HAVE AIDSSSS, no that’s too strong… alright. (Cracking himself up as he does this) imam walk up to him, push him and start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” (Audience laughs)

Which I know its tough for gay youth on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You cant be like, hey would you help me out I’m very gay? (audience laughs) Like a few dollars… I always love how he phrased it by the way. He never mentioned living on the street, he said I’m new in town, like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like: “There’s no single guys (‘guys’ in New York accent) left in Manhattan.” And I’m like: “I know someone whose new in town.” (Pretends to be his friend now)“What are 3 other things about him?” (Audience claps and cheers)

Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is “Eh, someone’s in hereee. Someone’s in hereee. (In a strange almost British accent)” so they’re gonna be like: “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.”

I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but its fantastic (a few claps) very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, its more like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor: “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I’m like yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shirt I’m looking for. Ill take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before. (Audience laughs)

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here sheet.” And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that’ll be a super quick visit you know? Ill just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor would be like (Mulaney pretending to be the doctor): “Me too, crazy right?!?” And I’ll be like: “I get nervous on airplanes.” (Audience laughs) So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, he was just like: (acting this out) “alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Lets do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like: “Beats working.” And all of his jokes were anti work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional. (Audience laughs)

The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11.(Audience is shocked)That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re peeing 11 time a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…” Some of you are ahead of me (addressing audiences laughter). So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was: “Hey, if this visit was to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass. And I didn’t know what to say. Cause I couldn’t be like: “No that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!” (Audience laughs) So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this (puts hand on stool) and by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen. (Pauses) Adult life is already so God damn weird.” (Audience laughs)

So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says “ no no no, not on your hands, your elbows” and he knocks me down like that (putting elbows on the stool now). And this is so much worse than this (gets back to his hands). I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? (Audience laughs) This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like: “ahhh we’re approaching Martinique!” he knocked me down to my elbows and then, he stuck his hand in. and you know how sometimes you’re like, I bet I know what most things feel like ya know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know, what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went: “ooooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.” (Audience laughs and claps) But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so ill phrase this a delicately as a can. I didn’t not realize than when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shirtting cause the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shirt. (Audience laughs)

So, he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shirtting into his hand. So I yelled: “I’M SORRYY! This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with “OHHHHHMMMM” and “I’M SORRYY!” (Audience laughs) And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like: “Oh don’t worry, you didn’t shirt into my hand.” He just threw his glove away and went(As if enraged)“Ahhhwahhhahwa.” And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like: “Alright your prostate’s fine but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, (Acting this out) feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes: “Hey! We’re doing a blood test in here. Get in here!” Batman dances back in and he’s like: “(pretending to dance) Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different, let’s do it.” The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten anything all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and ill never forget it: “pshh, you’re not gonna faint!”

So, I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I’m immediately on the ground. (Audience ‘dies’ laughing) I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes: “you gotta go!” and I go: “Can I please talk to the doctor though for a sec because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes.” And Batman said: “the doctor’s gone!” so I got my stuff… and I left. The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you.

[hip-hypocrite]

i'm adding a new block to the parent mod. 8 slime balls and a lead gets you a leadable slime block. using this, you can get flying machines to follow you. it will go towards you as if pushed by a piston if it gets too far away. also, you start off in the void biome if that wasn't obvious. anyways, as i was saying,

5 quartz + 4 dripstone = 1 smoothstone. 1 comically large flint + 1 suspicious wood + 2 carrots makes a suspicious sapling. the name is a total misnomer, it just spawns a creeper when it grows. blowing up smooth stone causes it to turn into normal stone, which can then be made into cobblestone. killing a zombie piglin over cobblestone using an anvil will result in it turning into crimson nylium. dying from anything without a specified mob (i.e., fall damage, getting attacked, etc.) with a high amount of exp and undying effect will result in you turning into a skeleton. (having low exp will turn you into a zombie). if you throw a potion of undying onto an empty mob spawner, it will keep track of what you would turn into when you next die. skeleton spawners can spawn spider jockeys. crafting a spider eye with amethyst dust and a crimson fungus gets you a super fermented spider eye. using shears on a nether wart block gets you an apple. stop questioning my methods, i know they're unreliable. dying to an anvil with the undying effect gets you a nitwit zombie villager. curing and breeding can get you a normal villager i think. if a villager can detect it is in a villager farm, it will turn into a pillager on the basis that you are being cruel to it. unless it's a nitwit, but then it will enable wandering trader spawning. Having saplings is useful because bonemealing saplings in the nether can influence biomes in the overworld. Any map from the nether can be put in a loom to influence biomes in the nether. This will enable piglin spawning. When you smelt blackstone, you get smooth blackstone. Crafting comically large flint with coal blocks gets you a Quest Stone II. This is extremely heavy and will affect gameplay a lot. Placing a smooth blackstone where a dropped Quest Stone II item is will turn it into deepslate. A small multiblock consisting of a hopper and other stuff, when struck by lightning, can turn a deepslate into Reinforced Deepslate. A different, larger multiblock can be assembled to pick up the reinforced deepslate and put it in your inventory. 4 reinforced deepslate and 3 soul soil and an ender eye will craft into a sculk shrieker. If a sculk vein tries to grow where there is Warped Fungus with a Netherrack below, it will turn the netherrack into Warped Nylium. If you click a blaze rod onto your starting Budding Amethyst, it will "slot in" and eventually turn into a liquid named End Falls. (This can only be done twice per side, and will stop that side of the amethyst from producing amethyst, eventually turning it into a normal amethyst block.) Surrounding a bucket of End Falls with cobblestone in a crafting table will make an End Cocoon. If you wait long enough, mining this will create End Stone and return your cobblestone. 1 endstone+ 1 warped wart block + 1 item frame will get you an end portal frame. Congratulations! You can now access the end in this hypothetical skyblock!

hello if i thought up a skyblock mod that has you start with 1 budding amethyst and a emotional support guy (functionally useless) would you want to know more

[vlasdygoth]

"I get so lost, all the time, just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with these abilities you've given me, and I just... Why me?" (Winter in Hieron 19: Make The Spring Last Forever)

[ID: Page 1: A monochromatic black, white, and yellow comic of the opening scene of Winter in Hieron 19. Panel 1 is Ephrim as a child, backlit by the sun, holding fire in his palm. Panel 2 is Ephrim on a horse, riding over the heat and the dark. Panel 3 is a pale hand lit by the fire it holds. Panel 4 is Ephrim sitting on an altar, which is lit from above by a circular window. Panel 5 is Maelgwyn backlit by a sun symbol, wearing a white mask. Panel 6 is a dark hand holding the Blade in the Dark. Panel 7 is Samothes, bent over, lit from behind. The text reads “There was a sense of possibility in you. I saw you there, a child, taken from place to place. Chaos. Fear. Darkness. I sensed an origin similar to mine.”

Page 2: Panel 1, to the left is Samothes, leaning back against his anvil with his arms crossed. He is looking at Ephrim, who has his hands clasped in front of him. Panel 2 is Ephrim looking up at Samothes, a straight on view of his face. He is a young man with pale skin and dyed hair, which is short and wavy. He has dark eyes. Panel 3 is Samothes looking down at Ephrim. He is lit from behind, and he is a man with dark skin, and curly black hair. Panel 4 is a top-down view of Samothes’ hands holding one of Ephrim’s. A golden ring is emblazoned on Ephrim’s upturned palm. The text reads “Perhaps that is less dogmatic an answer than you wished. There was no prophecy here. There was no divine guidance. There was only opportunity.”

Page 3: One panel that takes up the whole page. Ephrim stands in front of Samothes, and they are lit by a large yellow circle that may be a sun or a window behind them. THey are standing on a disc hovering over tendrils of dark shadow that creep up the sides of the panel. Ephrim’s arrow wounds have torn through his cloak, and light shines through them. The text, in the circle above their heads, reads “But that is what is behind all ingenuity.” /end ID.]