#humor me; {Dean}

[morganaconda]

[strawlessandbraless]

Angels: Brother, you have been chosen for this mission to save the righteous man from hell. But Castiel, hear me well. Do not covet the Michael Sword, big plans for that sword

*2 minutes later*

Castiel: I will lay claim to this living soul, rebuild him, mark him as my own, and carve my name into his ribs, gonna stare at him a lot, so much, gonna kiss him

[profoundbondfanfic]

Take Me Out

Take Me Out by Crematosis (@crematosis) Rating: Teen and up Word Count: 6.6k

Dean had asked Cas to take him out if he ever became a demon. This was not what he had in mind.

This one has a hilarious cracky concept. Dean asks Cas to "take him out" if he ever becomes a demon. Cas misinterprets this to mean "on a date."

The fic is funny, but it also has an underlying sweetness and the resolution at the end is very clever. Dean is petulant and a bit bratty and Cas is extremely stubborn, but they are surprisingly soft together.

It's a light read that had me grinning.

[bardicious]

I really love how female coded Sam is. There's lots of parallels between him and Mary, with the way their family treats them, their goals in life, the clothes they wear, the mad predatory vibes from demons. Honestly so here for this.

[puredaydreaming]

whump enjoyers when their fav gets hurt yet again:

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

so i've been watching Muppet compilations-

[sensitivehandsomeactionman]

[gabriestat]

the entire plot of supernatural is really just sam and dean taking turns to recreate this

[thedamsnacks]

I'm only on like season 6 of supernatural and I know it ended but I just want a psych/supernatural crossover just cause it would be so fucking funny because so many of the actors have been on both shows and the themes are so similar yet so different

[angelsdean]

my dad was also like "can this guy stop monologuing" when john-as-azazel was going on and on in 1x22 and then 2 seconds later dean goes "you mind just getting this over with, huh? Cause I really can’t stand the monologuing" and my dad was like "no way!" djfkdfkd

[youchangedmedestiel]

Chapters: 3/3

Fandom: Supernatural (TV 2005)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Words: 5,187

Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Jack Kline

Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Everybody Lives, Jack Kline is Not God, Saileen Mentioned, Domesticity in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Established Relationship, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Kissing, Boys Kissing, Neck Kissing, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Attempt at Humor, Deansturbation, Masturbation, Teasing, they are so gone for each other, They try to resist it though, because of that silly game they are playing, Smut, Two Endings, Don't be afraid to tell which one you prefer

Summary:

Dean and Cas waited 12 years to finally be together. So, they think they can resist each other, but do they? (Please, read the notes at the beginning for better understanding)

Notes: 

I got this idea from this pic (coming from this post on x): 

[highfunctioningflailgirl]

Maintenance

When Sam’s phone rings and he sees Castiel’s caller ID, he can’t quite suppress the old sense of alarm. Their lives have been peaceful for a while now - maybe too peaceful. And although Dean and Cas have seemed happy since moving into Bobby’s old cabin last year, Sam doesn’t trust that happiness. From experience, good things never last for the Winchesters.

Warily, he picks up the phone. “Cas, hey, what’s going on?”

“Can I seek refuge at the bunker?” As usual, the angel isn’t one for preliminaries.

“Why?” Sam asks, immediately worried. “What happened? Where’s Dean?”

“He’s at the farmer’s market.”

“The farmer’s market? What for?”

“To buy food.” Cas sounds annoyed. “That’s what you do there.”

Sam rubs his forehead. “I know that. But I didn’t know Dean did. But what does that have to do with you seeking refuge? Is someone after you? Something? Do you need help?”

“I definitely need help.” A nuance of desperation bleeds through Castiel’s grumpiness. “The situation is dire.”

Sam is squinting into the phone now. He still has no idea what the hell Cas is talking about.

“Cas, what happened? What the hell is going on?”

On the other end of the line, the angel sighs deeply. “I sent Dean for a check-up.”

“A check-up? At the doctor’s?” Sam’s heartbeat picks up.

“Yes. Humans are feeble creatures. They need maintenance, Samuel,” Cas lectures him.

“I know that,” Sam all but snaps back, his patience wearing thin. “And Dean went? Is he sick?”

“Not yet. But he could become sick if he doesn’t watch his-... wait, I forgot what it’s called.” There’s a pause, and Sam hears paper rustling in the background. “... his cholesterol. It’s too high.”

Now it’s Sam’s turn to sigh. He has a hunch where this is going. “Did his doctor put him on a diet?”

Castiel grunts gloomily. “He told him to swap meat for vegetables.”

“Let me guess,” Sam says, battling a feeling somewhere between relief, worry and laughter. “He’s eating greens and hating it.”

“...and being unbearable, yes,” Cas adds. “I know he’s doing this for me, Sam. He wants to be healthy for me. But, dear God, he’s killing me.” Sam can literally hear the misery written on the angel’s face.

“That bad?”

“He’s angry all the time. Even when he sleeps.”

Sam can’t help it. He chuckles.

“It’s not funny, Sam.”

“I know, I know.” Sam disguises his inappropriate mirth in a cough. “I’m sorry, Cas. I can imagine.”

He hears Castiel scratch his ever-present stubble.

“What shall I do, Sam? Can I stay with you and Eileen for a while? Until he's less... like this?”

Sam takes a moment to think. “Of course you can. But I don’t think it’ll help Dean’s mood if he thinks you’re leaving him.”

“I’m not leaving him!” Cas is appalled.

“No, but he’ll take it that way, Cas. You know how he is. He’s always afraid that you will. And he’ll blame himself. And that will make him even more angry.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Glumly.

“That bad?”

“Demon Dean was a ray of sunshine compared to him.”

“Oh.”

They both fall silent for a moment. Sam is just about to suggest something when, on the other end of the line, he hears a door slam.

“Sam, Dean’s back,” Castiel hisses.

“Hey hey! Who are you talking to, Cas?”

Dean’s voice. Bright and cheerful.

“I’m… I’m talking to Sam…”

“Oh yeah? Tell him and Eileen to come over tonight! I’m putting steaks on the grill. And burgers. I’m gonna show that doctor where he can shove his cholesterol.”

Dean laughs, defiantly and wholeheartedly, and Sam can imagine the i-don’t-give-a-damn joy in his brother’s eyes.

Then Castiel is back on the line. “Did you hear what he said?” He sounds very relieved.

“Yes.” Sam smirks. “Problem solved, I guess?”

“For now. But I’ll need you to teach me some heart-healthy recipes. Maintenance, remember?”

“I’ll be happy to. But it’s you who’ll make him eat them.”

Castiel sighs again. “God help me.”

Sam chuckles again. “I’m afraid you’re on your own, buddy.”

He hangs up, to the sound of Dean whistling gaily in the background.

[wolfgiselle]

Summary: Dean Winchester is raised from Hell with no memory of how it even happened. All he's met with when he digs himself out of his own grave is a dry throat and a rat dressed like fucking Constantine who won't stop staring at him with piercing blue eyes.

What the hell is going on?

---

Rat Castiel? I just had to share this...very strange but creative idea. And Exodia the Forbidden shows up (I kid you not). 

[prettyflyshyguy]

FOLLOW UP to yesterday's post - more Ghostfacers bullshit. Spent last night in a half asleep state with the distinct mental image of Dean just slowly stalking around an abandoned house yelling out "SAMMEYYY" in an unhinged tone with a stupid grin on his face just trying to be as creepy as possible, and A) it works and maybe actually starts to scare Sam a little bit because B) maybe this is the first time as a ghost he starts to display some behavior that blurs the line between Committing to the Bit and him actually becoming a violent spirit

I am ONTO SOMETHING HERE

[supernatural-24]

this was funnier in my head i'm sorry

[nyxocity]

Baby Let Me Bang Your Tail Pipe - Dean/Impala/Dom Toretto (explicit)

After the most inexplicable three hours of his life, Dean stands in Dominic Toretto’s garage, which is empty except for the Impala, because Dom’s car is in about fifty billion pieces at the bottom of the river in downtown.

“She was eighty percent badass, twenty percent sweetheart,” Dom had said, somber when Dean had extended his condolences.

Dean had only met Dom three hours and twenty eight explosions ago, but he likes him a lot already.

“Listen,” Dean says, appreciative, “if you hadn’t driven through those three buildings and killed ninety-seven people, me and Sam would be dead right now. I feel like I at least owe you a beer.”

Dean pulls a brown bottle of Margiekugel beer out of the cooler in the backseat of the Impala and hands it to Dom. The second it touches Dom’s hand, it turns into a bottle of Corona.

Dom is beginning to walk around the Impala, looking at the car with undisguised appreciation in his eyes. “Nineteen-sixty-seven Chevy Impala, one of only seven thousand produced, 327 V-8 Turbo-Fire 275 horsepower, dual exhaust pipes, slammed down on a built Hotchkiss performance suspension.”

Dean stares at him in surprise. “Dude. I haven’t even popped her hood yet.”

Dom shakes his head. “Some things you just know. Not built to race, but she purred like a lion earlier,” Dom goes on, his voice low and husky. His dark eyes rake over the Impala’s polished lines and curves, admiration and dark dirty lust Dean recognizes all to well shining in them. “She’s beautiful.”

“She is.” Dean slides a hand along the shiny hood with a proud smile. “Listen. I owe you for what you did today, but I don’t let just anyone put their hands on my girl.”

“You know what happened today?”

“I know you drove through three buildings made out of glass and steel, crashed into a semi, flew through a windshield and landed on the hood of another car before grabbing a rope hanging from a nearby crane and swinging over the edge of a bridge, dropping two miles straight down into a river just before everything exploded for absolutely no reason—including the bridge.”

Dom seems unimpressed by Dean’s recount of everything that had happened on the bridge, and Dean thinks that must be a regular Tuesday for this guy.

“And I saved your lives,” Dom says.

“Yeah.” Dean nods. “I still don’t get how landing on the hood of a car flying at a hundred and thirty miles an hour cushions your impact.”

“Skill.” Dom smirks.

Dean thinks for a moment. “I still don’t get how you’re alive. I’ve died seven times doing way less than that.” He frowns. “A hundred and seven times if you count that one Tuesday.”

Dom takes a drink from his Corona and walks towards him, his eyes squinted nearly shut as he focuses on Dean. “You don’t understand. What I did—what we went through today—that makes us family now.”

“Family, huh?” Dean eyes Dom up and down. “That might make this vibe a little weird.”

Dom huffs out a short, rough laugh. “I don’t think so. I’ve seen how you look at your brother.”

Dean licks his lips, eyefucking Dom harder. “Well in that case, maybe we can—”

“Just the car, Dean.” Sam’s voice is muffled, coming from outside the garage door.

“How can he hear me?” Dean whispers.

Dom nods in the direction of the Impala. “What do you think?”

And well, the guy had defied every law of physics known to man, beast and amoebas and blown up his car and everything else in a fifty mile radius—somehow—to save their lives. Dean supposes the least he can do is share his baby to make up for the loss of Dom’s. He’d like to have Sam join and all four of them could have a good time, but Sam seems to want to sit this one out.

“Do you want to see her, first?” Dean asks.

They look under her hood, Dom touching her parts reverently with gentle fingers, and Dean watches on with approval as Dom compliments her engine. They do a tour of her gorgeously lined, sleek body, and finally Dom rounds the Impala and kneels down by the back bumper.

“Look at the chrome on these tail pipes.” He gives a low whistle of appreciation.

“I take good care of her. I’m a gentleman,” Dean proclaims, walking around to stand next to him. The tailpipes gleam like a diamond in the garage light, spotless and shined to perfection. The left one is his favorite, and he finds his eyes drawn to it like a magnet, cock stiffening at the thought. The darkness at its center calls to him, begs him to take her like he has so many times before—and he will. But not today.

“Be sweet to her. Treat her like a lady,” Dean tells Dom, palm sliding along the edge of her trunk.

“Of course,” Dom agrees, like there was never any question.

“What do you think, old girl?” Dom asks, his fingertips teasing at the center of her hole. “Think you can take me?”

Dean wants to watch, he really does, but he’s got his own hard cock to think about, and they could each take a tail pipe but that could lead to taking each other and Sam specifically anti-approved that. That means he’s going to use the hood and rub off between her headlights. He pulls two bottles of lube out of the glove compartment and hands one to Dom, keeping the other for himself.

He lets his fingers glide along her curves as he walks back to the hood, his raging hard on seeming to pull him along.

He takes a little time, feeling up her headlights, running his hands along the lines of her hood, fingers teasing in the ridges of the grill. He teases until he can hardly stand it, blood pounding, cock painfully hard, and stands up, undoing his jeans and pushing them down around his hips.

His slicks the shaft generously with lube, shoving the bottle in his back jeans pocket and then lowers his hips, shivers racing up his spine fast as the car Dom had blown to smithereens earlier. He lets his dicks slide across the smooth, shiny, waxed surface of her hood and shudders with delight.

Dean pumps his hips like the pistons lying still beneath her hood, feeling the drag and pull of her sleek, cool metal. He can hear Dom grunting, groaning, see his hands caressing the Impala’s trunk, grabbing hold of it as the car rocks harder and harder, hood rubbing against Dean’s dick with sweet friction.

“Oh, what a… good… girl…” Dom grunts, punctuating the pauses between words with thrusts of his hips, and Dean almost comes right there, hearing Dom praising his girl for being such a good fuck.

His girl. And she is good. She’s so good, and Dean doesn’t even have to move anymore, Dom’s twists and thrusts rocking the car back and forth against Dean’s shaft, faster and harder and he can feel the reverberation all through him, feel the tightening in his balls and stomach, orgasm rising up fast and hard inside him.

It hits him like a freight train, like a bullet to the brain blowing out the back of his skull, hips grinding the slick of his come against the hood, so wet and slippery and god it feels like heaven. But he knows nothing feels as good as her tail pipe, that perfect, dark hole filled with lube, dripping wet and taking him deep—the way she’s taking Dom right now—and he can hear the other man coming, feel the graceless rocking of the car as he loses all rhythm, grunting and spurting inside her.

Dean’s eyes roll back in his head and he comes with a violent burst, whiting out with pleasure. He leans against the hood, panting heavily, aftershocks running through his nerves, slick from belly to chest with come, and he leans down, presses his lips to her metal.

“So gorgeous. You never let me down, baby.”

At the back of the car, Dom has gotten to his feet, leaning heavily against the trunk. Through the windshield and rear windows separating them, they share a smile.

“Are you guys done fucking the car yet?” Sam’s voice is less muffled this time from outside the door.

“Just need to clean up,” Dean answers.

When they’re done cleaning her, Dom hands him back the cleaning cloth and gives him a wide smile.

“You know,” he says, “I have an Impala, too. Sexy red and white number, gorgeous chrome.”

Dean can feel his dick trying to get hard again. “Introduce me?”

Dom nods.

“And Sam, too?”

“Of course.” Dom grins. “We’re all family now.”

And they all got into the Impala and sped off down the street, hitting a ramp and flying over two tractor trailers, a space station and sling-shotting around the sun before crashing down and screeching off into the sunset.