#humor experts

[ridethewavewithgab]

[js-dragonart]

"You come here often?"

I don't know what to say at this point. I saw a random picture on pinterest and my brain did what it always does.

Based on this:

[freetheshit-outofyou]

[dearearlyarchaeologists]

DOES YOUR FAVORITE DIRT-LOVING DIGGER NEED A LITTLE EXTRA ENCOURAGEMENT?

Here’s a way to put the pep back in their pick:

Archaeology Valentines Extravaganza pt. 2

[adorkabletwilightandfriends]

Adorkable Twilight & Friends - “Tax Expert"

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[theriu]

How To Extinguish A Phoenix

Phoenix: ACHOO! (bursts into flames)

Me: (sprays down with fire extinguisher)

Phoenix: (sniff) . . . I think that-ah-ACHOO (combusts again)

Me: (sprays again) We might need to switch extinguishers here soon.

Phoenix: Already?! Just let me di-ah-ah . . . ! No, lost that one. Anyway, just let me die, then!

Me: Not a chance, buddy! You told me no matter what, don’t let you burn to ash, because a cold isn’t as bad as spending six months regrowing your feathers. Focus on that! The meds should kick in soon! And I’m not giving your deposit back!

Pheonix: I knooow, but I haaate thiiis . . . ah-ah-AH—!

Me: (sprays)

Phoenix: (sputtering) At least wait until I’m ACTUALLY on fire!

Me: (sheepish) Sorry. I got excited.

Phoenix: So glad you’re enjoying yourself!

Me: Look, I do not care how much you paid me: Dodging flammable pheonix snot is not how I like to pass my time. But fire extinguishers are fun, and if we’re both going to be miserable, I don’t see why we shouldn’t relish what little joy is to be had here.

Phoenix: . . . That’s fair, I guess.

Me: Tell you what—if I catch on fire, you can spray ME down.

Phoenix: Aw, thanks. That’s really . . . ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO!!!

Me: (sprays)

———

(A/N: This one goes out to all the people afflicted with holiday bugs! There’s SO MANY OF YOU, my WORD. I hope you feel better and still have a very Merry Christmas and all the other holidays left this year!)

For more assorted nonsense, visit my How To Guides for Mythical Creatures Masterlist!

[a-very-tired-jew]

I kind of morbidly wonder if we should start classifying genocides like DBZ power levels with how anti-Zionists keep insisting an urban war with the lowest combatant to casualty rate is one and disregarding all evidence to the contrary (even from organizations they trust).

[dungeons-and-dictions]

What weird niches have you become an overnight expert in?

[machetelanding]

[ramblingcoyote]

Meryl: *trying to sleep*

*through the wall from the other room*

Wolfwood: ahh a little lower...you can push harder...

Vash: I don't want to hurt you though

Wolfwood: you won't hurt me, just put your weight into it, Blondie! Ahh that's good

Meryl: That's it! *Gets up, throws their door open* You two need to- ??

*Vash massaging Wolfwood's back*

Wolfwood: *looks over* don't you know how to knock, little miss?

Meryl:....move over, I want a turn

Wolfwood: No! Back off, I'm not done!

Meryl: I'm stressed from listening to you!

Wolfwood: I CARRY A GIANT CROSS!

Vash: ^_^;

[ironictalesofficial]

[gamesandglassroses]

My friend and I's Enigmatica base accidentally fits the Barbie/Oppenheimer duality.

I built the Barbie half.

[promptcorner]

Dude, yeah.

If I ever bring in ghost hunters, exorcists, or physics into my home they would immediately say it’s haunted.

We have a gravestone that some different owners placed there because it got messed up. No human has died in the house, though definitely some animals.

Other then that, no human souls haunt the place.

But if they see the house and the gravestone, they would tot’s think it’s haunted, hook, line, and sinker.

It’s just a old house. But the house’s I firmly believe are haunted are the Deer Head House, the house with the mirrored apartments and strange dark red stains, or the Postoffice.

[theriu]

Carnivorous Plants: (hanging out, making oxygen, eating bugs and sometimes very small animals, generally just being chill)

Every Horror-Obsessed Story Writer: Okay but what if they were HUGE, VORACIOUS, CUNNING MANEATERS???

Carnivorous Plants: Bro I am literally just sitting here.

[downthepub]

Rhett continues to show he doesn't have much respect for Link. Does he love him? Sure. Does he want to have more say over his life and choices than most people would feel is appropriate? I think so. He frequently needs to teach, lecture, or change Link's mind about what he believes and how he acts. Even when they are having fun together for content, he "needs" to tell Link to get into sexualized positions or mime certain acts for "humor" while laughing / smiling at this and not putting himself in the same positions.

[satireinfo]

Mongolia Offers Red Carpet for Putin

Mongolia Offers Red Carpet for Putin, Threatens to Break Guinness World Record for Ignoring International Arrest Warrants The World’s Best at Ignoring War Crimes, or Just Really Into Hospitality?” In a record-breaking display of international diplomacy, Mongolia welcomes Vladimir Putin with open arms and absolutely no mention of that pesky international arrest warrant. Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia…