#humor experts

[ridethewavewithgab]

[dearearlyarchaeologists]

DOES YOUR FAVORITE DIRT-LOVING DIGGER NEED A LITTLE EXTRA ENCOURAGEMENT?

Here’s a way to put the pep back in their pick:

Archaeology Valentines Extravaganza pt. 2

[adorkabletwilightandfriends]

Adorkable Twilight & Friends - “Tax Expert"

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[theriu]

How To Extinguish A Phoenix

Phoenix: ACHOO! (bursts into flames)

Me: (sprays down with fire extinguisher)

Phoenix: (sniff) . . . I think that-ah-ACHOO (combusts again)

Me: (sprays again) We might need to switch extinguishers here soon.

Phoenix: Already?! Just let me di-ah-ah . . . ! No, lost that one. Anyway, just let me die, then!

Me: Not a chance, buddy! You told me no matter what, don’t let you burn to ash, because a cold isn’t as bad as spending six months regrowing your feathers. Focus on that! The meds should kick in soon! And I’m not giving your deposit back!

Pheonix: I knooow, but I haaate thiiis . . . ah-ah-AH—!

Me: (sprays)

Phoenix: (sputtering) At least wait until I’m ACTUALLY on fire!

Me: (sheepish) Sorry. I got excited.

Phoenix: So glad you’re enjoying yourself!

Me: Look, I do not care how much you paid me: Dodging flammable pheonix snot is not how I like to pass my time. But fire extinguishers are fun, and if we’re both going to be miserable, I don’t see why we shouldn’t relish what little joy is to be had here.

Phoenix: . . . That’s fair, I guess.

Me: Tell you what—if I catch on fire, you can spray ME down.

Phoenix: Aw, thanks. That’s really . . . ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO!!!

Me: (sprays)

———

(A/N: This one goes out to all the people afflicted with holiday bugs! There’s SO MANY OF YOU, my WORD. I hope you feel better and still have a very Merry Christmas and all the other holidays left this year!)

For more assorted nonsense, visit my How To Guides for Mythical Creatures Masterlist!

[a-very-tired-jew]

I kind of morbidly wonder if we should start classifying genocides like DBZ power levels with how anti-Zionists keep insisting an urban war with the lowest combatant to casualty rate is one and disregarding all evidence to the contrary (even from organizations they trust).

[dungeons-and-dictions]

What weird niches have you become an overnight expert in?

[machetelanding]

[localwarlockunion]

( x )

[ramblingcoyote]

Meryl: *trying to sleep*

*through the wall from the other room*

Wolfwood: ahh a little lower...you can push harder...

Vash: I don't want to hurt you though

Wolfwood: you won't hurt me, just put your weight into it, Blondie! Ahh that's good

Meryl: That's it! *Gets up, throws their door open* You two need to- ??

*Vash massaging Wolfwood's back*

Wolfwood: *looks over* don't you know how to knock, little miss?

Meryl:....move over, I want a turn

Wolfwood: No! Back off, I'm not done!

Meryl: I'm stressed from listening to you!

Wolfwood: I CARRY A GIANT CROSS!

Vash: ^_^;

[ironictalesofficial]

[gamesandglassroses]

My friend and I's Enigmatica base accidentally fits the Barbie/Oppenheimer duality.

I built the Barbie half.

[m1d-45]

AHHHHHH UR WANDERER PULLING FIC MADE MY HEART ACHE SO GOOD </3 POOR BB IS SO CONFLICTED I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM!!!!!

and re: your tags, on the contrary, i think reader pulling for scara while calling him a bitch and a rat fuck the entire time would make for a great fic gjkdhkhl ALSO VERY ME. as an extremely non-f2p my characters come home whether they want to or not >:( but this little asshole made me spend $200 because of course i lost my 50/50 (NOT EVEN TO TIGHNARI I WAS ON MY KNEES BEGGING FOR HIM AND I GOT C1 KEQING INSTEAD WHY!!!!) so ofc the first thing i said to him when he showed up on his splash screen was "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY YOU PIECE OF SHIT"

hopefully he doesn't take it too personally <3 he's so cute ugh i keep cooing at his idles and voice lines and i love how much fun he sounds like he's having when he attacks...

now i have a dilemma bc 3/4 of my favorite characters are anemo but i love seeing pretty colors and colorful numbers on screen when i'm in combat so i want elemental reactions too. rip.

are you me??? just from an alternate dimension where you (i? we?) have bank???

every time i sprint and his “quit following me” voiceline triggers i stop to swap to another character and yet here i am, farming the cursed aeonblight drake for him(even though my collei has been begging me to build her for like 5 weeks but shhh). i will make fun of him for his idles and then immediately fret over the fact that i have zero artifacts for him. duality of man and all that.

also as a tighnari haver: i may not have built him right but he is damn good at his job. he and my kuki make for a lovely team <3 his skill doesn’t really need to be leveled (it only increases damage) and isn’t the highest priority in his kit. in theory you could solely run him for his wreath arrows using his normal attacks, though i ran him as burst support for like 3 weeks and was happy. main stat is em im pretty sure so that sucks a bit, esp considering how rude the gilded domain has been recently... also his passive is INCREDIBLY useful so if nothing else he helps you get scarabs / henna berries / rukkhashava mushrooms faster. can confirm since i needed the last one for scara

[promptcorner]

Dude, yeah.

If I ever bring in ghost hunters, exorcists, or physics into my home they would immediately say it’s haunted.

We have a gravestone that some different owners placed there because it got messed up. No human has died in the house, though definitely some animals.

Other then that, no human souls haunt the place.

But if they see the house and the gravestone, they would tot’s think it’s haunted, hook, line, and sinker.

It’s just a old house. But the house’s I firmly believe are haunted are the Deer Head House, the house with the mirrored apartments and strange dark red stains, or the Postoffice.

[theriu]

Carnivorous Plants: (hanging out, making oxygen, eating bugs and sometimes very small animals, generally just being chill)

Every Horror-Obsessed Story Writer: Okay but what if they were HUGE, VORACIOUS, CUNNING MANEATERS???

Carnivorous Plants: Bro I am literally just sitting here.

[downthepub]

Rhett continues to show he doesn't have much respect for Link. Does he love him? Sure. Does he want to have more say over his life and choices than most people would feel is appropriate? I think so. He frequently needs to teach, lecture, or change Link's mind about what he believes and how he acts. Even when they are having fun together for content, he "needs" to tell Link to get into sexualized positions or mime certain acts for "humor" while laughing / smiling at this and not putting himself in the same positions.

[satireinfo]

Mongolia Offers Red Carpet for Putin

Mongolia Offers Red Carpet for Putin, Threatens to Break Guinness World Record for Ignoring International Arrest Warrants The World’s Best at Ignoring War Crimes, or Just Really Into Hospitality?” In a record-breaking display of international diplomacy, Mongolia welcomes Vladimir Putin with open arms and absolutely no mention of that pesky international arrest warrant. Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia…