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emerald-amidst-gold · 4 years ago

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OC Interview: Fane Lavellan

Thank you for the tag @dungeons-and-dragon-age! I’ve been eyeing up this meme for a while actually, so this was perfect timing! X3

This takes place Post-Trespasser, about a month or two after, in fact. Solas brought the idea forward, and of course, Fane refused. But after some coaxing, some explanation as to why, and the promise of a whole cake, Fane agreed to humor the request.

*THERE BE BIG THINGS REGARDING FANE HERE*

I got carried awaaaaaay! XD

Introduction

Can you introduce yourself?

“I can, but it’s a lengthy list,” He sighs, “...Those who are close to me, who see as but an elf, call me Fane. Those who wish to meet cobble, call me Lavellan or Herald. Those who are blinded by reverence call me ‘He Who Flew Above’. Denizens of the Fade refer to me as, ‘Devotion’ or ‘Tenacity’. However, my true name is..” He sighs again, “...Aterian. I rarely go by it, but the truth won’t be ignored. It never can be.”

What is your gender identity, orientation and relationship status?

“Male. Elvhen. Dragon.” He huffs through his nose, shifting his gaze off to the side, “That’s all I’ll say on that. As for orientation, I’m...emotionally driven. If you asked me to look at another and tell you what’s attractive about them I would say, ‘Nothing.’ I don’t know them, so I feel nothing for them.“ He shrugs, turning his gaze back, but brandishes a glare, “There’s only one person who defies that response, and that’s because he knows me, without and within. More than that, is none of your business.”

Where and when were you born?

He lifts a hand, massaging a temple, “The ‘where’ is simple; Elvhenan. Specifics are lost to me, however, so you’ll have to be content with that response.” He shifts his gaze downwards, slowly crossing his arms, “As to when?” He sighs heavily, “...I have no answer for that other than: I’m roughly the same age, if not older, as Solas. Does it matter, honestly? Numbers fall through the cracks after a specific threshold is crossed.” What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

He unravels a crossed arm and guides his hand downwards, tapping the pommel of a sword he has fastened to his waist, “Sword. I use either long swords, short swords, or great swords.” He raises an eyebrow as a question is forwarded, “Shields?” He sneers a bit. “I don’t use shields. They get in the way, and anyways,” He raises his hand once more, the expanse steadily beginning to glow blue and silver before a spectral coating of scales cover the entirety, “this is better than any shield. I prefer the front lines, the place I can make sure no one breaches, and the lingering memory of what I once was makes sure I can do just that.” He dispels the scales and shakes out his hand before returning it to his crossed counterpart, “It takes energy to maintain, but I’m getting better at holding it for longer.” Lastly, are you happy?

He blinks before his entire expression softens, two toned eyes shining with primary gold as they shift downwards, “...If you had asked that of me over twelve years ago I would have spat in your face and said, ‘Happiness doesn’t exist in this world’. But now..” He trails off, casting a sidelong glance towards one of the fortress’s entryways; a familiar voice sounding, firm, but soft, as if reprimanding a child, “...I understand what happiness is, and it’s in every corner if you allow yourself to see it.” His eyes shift back, holding a far away look and voice coming forward in a murmur, “I only wish we all could be happy; together.”

Family and Friends

What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

His face holds a conflicted look, as if the memory is painful before speaking, “Complicated,” he says before beginning to tap a finger against his bicep, “I had a mother. She died when I was fifteen from a wasting disease, but she was the picture of serenity. Calm, guiding, measured. Hair like moonlight. Eyes like a clear autumn day. She was--” Unbranded features twist with a look of grief, eyes going dark as his voice drops, “...I’d rather not speak of her. It still hurts to. It hurts to speak of any of them,” His eyes narrow, grief stricken expression turning somewhat bitter, “...Especially those who throw all you did for them back into your face because they refused to listen when you needed them to most. Even so, I still wish for her happiness. Cullen better be treating her right,” That bitter turns outright malicious, dark eyes going darker as another question is meekly asked, “Father? I have no father. I only had a monster that haunted my childhood, tore my token of devotion apart, and then stalked me in my dreams. So, no. I have nothing to say about that concept.”

Have you ever ran away from home?

He chuckles, “Many, many times,” He throws most of his weight into one side, tilting his head back as if thinking, counting, “I can’t even remember the amount of times I fled into the forests, to be honest. All I know is that it happened weekly, maybe even daily,” He brings his head back, snowy hair moving with the action to brush the tops of his cheekbones, “Why do you look so surprised?” he asks, snorting a bit at the meek response of, ‘Why so often?’, “Because I refused to endure being treated like a beast every hour of the day merely because I believed differently, or rather, not at all.” He sighs within the next moment, “...I wasn’t any better than the Dalish, though. I lashed out, I spat in their face, dragged their heritage through the dirt, inflicted harm from the smallest of things...” He squeezes his arms, eyes narrowing into a glare, but seeming to see through everything, “...The past repeats. An infernal spiral that will never slow.” Would you consider marriage or having children?

“Marriage? Children?” He blinks, pale visage suddenly going flush before he snarls, “Why do I need to answer those questions?!” The blush deepens and he responds despite his displeased expression, muttering and biting the inside of his cheek, “...Damned keen eyed elves. They know, don’t they? I swear if Abelas fucking ran that mouth of his, I’ll--” He sighs heavily, letting his head fall limp a bit in defeat, “...Yes. To both. The latter is already taken care of, as everyone situated in the Crossroads knows, but...” Pointed ears are now a deep shade of red, “...marriage is...on hold. War time isn’t an ideal summer wedding.” His voice drops, eyes shimmering as if he was before the person his heart yearned for, “...The sky deserves a venue better than a garden of death and deceit.” Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

“There were those in the Inquisition who I didn’t exactly see eye to eye with,” he started before shaking his head, “but I didn’t hate anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own views and what they find important.” He scowls a bit, tapping his bicep once again with a finger, “...Even if they didn’t extend the same kindness to me in the beginning. ‘Do you believe in the Maker?’ ‘Do you believe you’re chosen?’ ‘You need to use the people’s faith. It gives them hope.’” He mocks before snorting harshly, “No. No, I don’t. Oh, that suddenly makes me trash? Ohhh. How terrible.” He scoffs. “Disgusting.” Which friend knows everything about you?

“Solas,” He says within a heart beat before clearing his throat, shifting his gaze away sheepishly, “He knows me without and within.” Emerald and gold blaze as the orbs go wide, the blush of roses coming back in full force, “Wait, wait, wait! I didn’t mean--! Fuck! You better wipe that shit eating grin off your face, elf, or I swear I’ll do it for you!” He growls in frustation, throwing his hands in the air, “Why did I agree to this? What fucking dragon entertains an interview!? This is worst than the courts in Arlathan used to be! And that’s saying something!”

Asked by Fans

Are you literate? Have you been to school?

”I am literate. Sometimes to a fault, in fact,” He smiles a bit, “Poetry is my niche; a lingering memory of my mother. So, I speak cryptically at times,” He snorts, amused, “Although, I guess that isn’t much of a surprise since the Elvhen language is riddled in verse rather than practical application. Still, even some of the ancients left have a hard time deciphering my words,” He shrugs, smile turning into a smirk, “They never expected a dragon to be able to talk, I guess. Well, ta-dah.” The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

A somber expression flits across his visage and eyes, “...That, eventually, I would hurt the one person I never wanted to.” The corner of his mouth twitches, holding both bitterness and grief; a painful duo, “...And retribution came just as swiftly, but it--” He sighs, shaking his head in defeat before muttering under his breath, “Observe and accept. Observe that what came to pass was uncontrollable, and accept that it had to happen for your path to continue, for your soul to be complete.” What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

His face blanks, mouth going into a hard line before a sigh exits through his nose slowly, “...That I don’t have tail.” He snarls, blank expression twisting in warning, “Laugh, elf. Do it.” He nods in the next second when no sounds of amusement come forth, expression going stoic once more, “That’s what I thought. You try living centuries in one form and then transitioning. See what happens.” Do you have mental health or physical issues?

He nods, sighing tiredly. “Like my names, I have a lot.” A hand motions to his body lazily, “My entire body is littered in scars, inflicted through crude experiments by an abomination that sought power like so many others,” He expression sours, jaw working back a forth, “They’ve calmed over the years, but the memories are not so kind.” He sighs, trying to calm himself and lifts his left hand; the Anchor glowing faintly and his eyes watch it, “I have an illness, or rather, sensitivity to any Fade born essence. That, too, has calmed and I’m grateful for that. As for my mind..” He trails off, grimacing a bit as if suddenly in pain, “...Visualize the Void, and there’s your answer. Black walls with crimson torches, seats empty, but somehow wanting for memories to take their seats. However, those occupants never come, burnt to ash by fury’s flame. That’s my mind in a nutshell.” What is your current main goal?

He raises his eyebrows, pursing his lips, “Mm, as of right now, I’m busy helping Solas unlock the eluvians that he couldn’t while I was away,” He flexes his marked hand, watching it with a look of determination in his eyes, “That’ll take time, but after, my people, my kin will have their skies back. I won’t let this power be squandered, and I won’t let the key that I’ve been entrusted with fall into the wrong hands.” His face hardens further, “For if that key rusts, the locks break and the sky will blacken as surely as the earth will redden.”

Choices

Drink or food?

“Drinks.” He says with ease, shrugging, “Food is comforting, especially sweets, but a glass of rum or ale, or a cup of chamomile tea really pounds the word ‘relaxation’ into my head.” Cats or dogs?

He smiles, warmth caressing its edges, “You’ve seen Nislean wandering about the halls, laying on the window sills and curling up in front of the fire,” He hums suddenly, crossing his arms again, “Which reminds me, I need to go out of the Crossroads for milk. I’ll be getting more than five bottles this time.” Optimist or pessimist?

“Depends on who you ask,” He shrugs, seeming unbothered, “I’m neither from a personal standpoint. I try to see the bright spots, but shadows can be very persistent.” Sassy or sarcastic?

He snorts, “Ask Fen’harel,” his voice is light upon the title, playfully mocking in its deepness, “He knows all about that side. Although, he would label it, ‘insufferable’. I would call myself dryly sarcastic, though.”

Have You Ever

Been caught sneaking out?

He purses his lips, “Hmm. Not that I can recall,” he says slowly before his brows jumped and his eyes lit up with memory, “Oh! Wait. There was that one time where I was with Solas and Mythal in a...courtyard, I think?” He shrugs before shrugging, “Doesn’t matter. But, I tried to slip away, tail and all, and I...may have shattered one or two or three eluvians trying to get to the balcony.” He somewhat wistfully, smirking, “Elgar’nan got fucking stuck in a far off settlement for a week, though. Completely worth getting my horn chewed off by a wolf.” Broken a bone?

“Surprisingly, no.” He huffs in amusement, “Wonder of wonders, truthfully.” Received flowers?

“I have,” He scowls, rolling his eyes and shaking his head in disgust, “but I always throw them into the fire. Most are from suitors, those who don’t know what the fuck ‘taken’ means.” Ghosted someone?

His face tightens, completely deadpan, “...No?”, he says, voice raising in question a bit, “At least I don’t believe so. But, then again...oh.” He blanks further, “...Oh. I understand the term now. You mortals are forever twisting the languages, aren’t you? I can’t keep up, but the answer is still no.” Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

“Maybe once or twice, but I don’t ‘laugh’ per say.” He huffs through his nose deliberately, “I do that; a puff of air. Some habits are never truly able to be broken. No matter the form.”

Tagging: @oxygenforthewicked @blueheaded @little-lightning-lavellan @noire-pandora @the-dreadful-canine and anyone else that’d like to play! (no pressure, of course!)

#oc: fane lavellan #welcome to the future! :3 #where fane is more complete and content but suffering in different ways #no one said the path would be easy *shakes head sadly*#again. fane is...a ball of many things and his titles and names show that XD #*thinks about writing post-trepasser shenanigans* :3 #fane used to fuck off elgar'nan as a dragon so HARD #maybe why the god vengeance decided to personally attack him #HMMMM.#dragon age #male lavellan

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calumxkisses · 4 years ago

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The One That Got Away | c.h.

pairing: calum hood x reader

genre: angst (again)

summary: part two of ‘Take My Breath Away’.

a/n: hello everyone! here I am with part two! I’m going through a lot lately, my mental health is not the best and writing an angst sequel seemed to be the best choice. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll write some fluff next!

song for this part: the one that got away

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Smiling faces and dancing bodies were moving all around you, everything seemed to move too fast and too slow at the same time, making your head spin even more. Your breathing was getting more and more heavy and the tears flooded your eyes, to the point that you were seeing everything blurry.

“Take my hand.” Someone whispered close to you, inviting you to grab their hand. You didn’t recognize the voice but it was the only thing that seemed to be able to save you from that situation, so you grabbed it and, trying not to collide with the bodies in the crowd, you followed the body of the one who could only be an angel.

The evening wind hit your face as soon as you stepped outside, causing you to feel shivering all over your body and you cursed yourself for not wearing something heavier and more suitable for such a cold night.

“Are you feeling better?” The voice spoke again. With all that confusion you didn't even have time to see who helped you. So you looked up and a pair of big green eyes was staring at you intently, with a hint of concern hidden behind the irises. His black hair was now messy and several tufts kept falling on his face, soon pulled back by his hand.

“Ashton, I-” Words made it hard to get out of your mouth, not that you had much to say. A second before you were dancing with Sierra, a taste of tequila in your mouth and a hint of a smile on your lips, and the next second Calum was on his knees, with a ring in his hand and a broken heart just a few steps away from him.

“Sierra went to grab some water. I didn't know anything, I swear, he didn’t tell us anything.” He spoke quickly, each word accompanied by a shorter sigh. Panic took possession of his every single cell, and the worry in his eyes was increasing by the second.

Calum had made a marriage proposal. He had looked for a ring for her, had asked her father's hand and dropped to one knee, on his birthday, to propose.

He loved her, everyone knew that, but you never expected his intentions to be so serious. You never imagined someone else would be standing in front of him, ready to scream 'Yes!' and to hug what you considered your soul mate.

On the other hand you should have expected it. Calum had confessed to you his intentions, or at least tried, a few months ago, before she interrupted you. You were lucky to have had the chance to talk to him, a fortune that had become less and less present after Crystal and Michael's wedding.

Not because you walked away, your heart was broken but it was still beating hard for the boy, and you needed to have him by your side, but because he didn't reciprocate that need. He no longer had the need to share his life with you, because it was now she who controlled how much he drank at parties, who consoled him during the darkest nights and who made him tea on the coldest afternoons.

“How’s she doing?” You heard Sierra ask Ashton, and only then you realized that you were lost in your thoughts.

“He proposed to her.” It was the only thing you managed to say, even though thousands of thoughts continued to float in your mind.

“I’m so sorry.” Sierra simply said, her hand on your shaking arm and her eyes carefully watching you, ready to hold you as soon as you collapsed.

But you didn’t collapse, not at that moment at least. Seconds earlier you were on the verge of a panic attack, with a broken heart and a mix of emotions that gave you a headache. Now, however, you no longer felt anything.

Sure, a sense of sadness accompanied your every single breath, but you didn't feel anything so strong anymore.

What was left to do? By now you had lost everything.

Friday was no longer your movie night. You no longer spent nights with him star gazing after too many drinks. You no longer had to imagine a scenario in your head where you confessed your love to him - because it no longer needed. Calum was no longer yours.

Had him ever been? Once you would have said yes, you would have sworn that that bound you two had was too unique and strong to be experienced by anyone else. But looking back, in the middle of the night of that January 25th, the truth seemed to make its way through all those lies you had always convinced yourself: Calum and you had a good relationship, useless to deny it, but he didn't feel the same. He didn't feel butterflies in his stomach when he heard you laugh, he didn't smile at the sight of your smile and he had found someone who probably understood a little more about astrology.

"Sweetheart.." Ashton whispered, too worried about the thoughts you were getting lost in. He knew about the bad places your mind went and he knew very well that his best friend, no matter how hard he tried, was the only one who could come and get you back.

"I'm fine." You simply said, because you felt better, but you didn't know if the worst was over or if a tornado was preparing to overwhelm you.

"You don't have to lie, you can be honest with us. We are your friends, we are here to help you." Sierra looked at you carefully as she whispered words of comfort, ready to pick up your pieces if needed. Her hand was soft on your face as she tried to bring a few strands of hair behind your ears so that she could read your eyes.

"It was unexpected and I don't want to lie and say that I'm happy, but I'm fine." You kept convincing yourself. But a little voice, deep in your head, kept repeating Calum's words and you were sure that, shortly thereafter, you would explode.

Maybe you weren't fine, the complete absence of emotion was wrong and you knew something was going to happen. A desperate cry, a furious scream, a leap into the freezing hotel pool, whatever reaction was preparing your body had to be hidden from your friends. You were in pain, sure, and you were going to suffer even more in the days to come, but they didn't have to miss such a happy moment just because you fell in love with the wrong guy.

Ashton smiled trying to convince himself of the words that had just come out of your mouth, but he didn't believe you and even Sienna didn't seem to have bought your lie.

But they knew, deep in their hearts, that pushing you to talk about it wouldn't do you any good.

A deep sigh escaped Sierra's lips and, giving you a light pat on the back, she gestured for the door. "Do you want to go back in? It's cold out here and everyone is probably wondering what happened to you." Her words came gently out of her mouth, too worried that a harder tone would break you.

"I think I'll stay out here a little longer. Thanks for everything, I love you." You whispered, sitting on the ground and leaning your back against the wall.

Ashton gave you a kiss on the head before looking at you one last time to make sure you were okay. Sierra did the same before going back inside, followed by the black-haired boy.

Being alone was certainly not the best idea and you certainly would have preferred to have another shot of tequila dancing to some song you didn't know the name of, but you needed to breathe, to take a moment for yourself.

What will you do now? Certainly your plans didn't include Calum before, but they seemed to belong to a different you now. To a carefree, happy you, ready to take on the world.

But now it all seemed so different, a single moment made you a different person, with an uncertain future that certainly couldn't be in Los Angeles anymore. Your friends were here, and so was your life, but you couldn't stand and watch someone else be happy next to Calum.

For a brief moment, you blamed yourself for everything. It was your fault that you hadn't acted, but it wasn't the time to continue digging your own grave.

"What are you doing here, doll?" He whispered and he didn't need to see your face to know that something was wrong.

This was one of your favorite things about him: he could read you better than anyone else. You didn't need to talk to know what you were going through and often he knew what you were feeling before you even knew it.

Like that time when Michael jokingly made a comment about how you were dressed to go to a party. You were very proud of the choice of your outfit and you were convinced that those words didn't hurt you, but Calum knew that your big heart was paying attention to everything and he ended up spending the rest of the night telling you that you were beautiful, reminding you that especially when you lingered looking at the other girls' dresses.

Quickly you ran a hand under your eyes trying to eliminate any possible trace left by your tears before answering him with a lie.

"I'm just getting some air, that's all." You prayed that Calum would believe the lie and go back inside so he wouldn't make the situation worse.

"Then I'll keep you company." And there was no way to stop him. In the blink of an eye, Calum was sitting next to you, with his knees bent and his arms resting on them and the jacket he had been wearing divinely a few minutes before was now resting on your shoulders, protecting you from the cold.

"Thanks." you whispered without even looking into his eyes, you didn’t have the courage to show him all your vulnerability.

Calum noticed, as he had noticed your absence as soon as he got up after the proposal. It had seemed odd not seeing you again and seeing Ashton and Sierra running out with you, but he wasn't surprised.

He knew that something was wrong, he realized how your eyes didn’t shine anymore and how you no longer smiled in his presence. And he missed it. He missed laughing with you, going on a walk with you through the crowded streets, he missed seeing you busy cooking his favorite dishes, and he missed seeing you cry for movies. He missed you.

He knew that he had neglected you, that he had abandoned you, he had realized that he had locked himself in his little bubble of love and left you to suffer outside, watching his perfect world as yours collapsed.

He couldn't understand how things ended, he didn't want to admit his mistakes because then it would all be real, the crack in your friendship would become too big and definitive and he didn't want it.

There was no longer the couple that everyone expected to see drunk together, there was no longer the chemistry that had distinguished you for years and Calum knew you were sad, he had noticed, but he didn't know why and this was hurting him, not because you didn't open up to him, but because he hadn't been able to understand for himself what was happening to you. He read you like a book, as always, but he didn't understand the words he read, not anymore.

"What is going on?" He whispered and mentally cursed himself for asking. He shouldn't have asked, he should have understood.

And for the first time, you felt you had to tell him. By now he had made the proposal, he couldn't go back, but you knew you had to tell him.

For yourself, because you would have removed a huge weight from your heart and for what your friendship had been, based on mutual trust.

And for the first time in your life you used all your courage, a courage you didn't even use to defend your friend from the bully in second grade, and you opened your mouth.

“I love you.” You simply said, knowing of the enormous act of selfishness you were committing. He was having a nice night and you just ruined it with your confession. The guilt made its way into your body, but it was too late now.

Calum had heard loud and clear and the words kept repeating themselves in his mind. He must have known that from the way you had acted when he told you about his girlfriend, when you stared at her from afar at parties and from the way you left at Michael's wedding.

“I love you but you love her.” You repeated. The words came out by themselves, he didn't answer and the silence worsened your mood. It was the only thing you were able to say.

Calum didn't know what to answer. He felt great affection for you, but love? Love was something else, you taught him that. Love was what he felt for the girl who was waiting for him inside, with a ring on her finger and tears of joy in her eyes.

Calum didn't know what to say. No words would have been adequate, no words would have comforted you but a lie, but he had always told you the truth and he wanted to keep doing it.

"I'm sorry."

"Everyone keeps repeating it, you know?"

"I'm sorry because I care about you but not like you care about me and I don't want to break your heart." And he believed what he said. He loved you, he was ready to face the whole world for you, he would climb the steepest mountain to see you happy and he would break the leg of anyone who hurt you. But he didn't love you as you deserved, he didn't love you as you loved him.

"I know, Calum, that's okay. I don't want to lie to you and say I'm fine, but maybe one day I'll be better. I see how she makes you happy, I see that you love her and I'm happy that your heart is able to feel love. It'll be okay. "

You didn't know if those words were reassuring Calum or you, but you had to convince yourself. You had to believe it was going to be okay, that it was just another broken heart, that Calum wasn't your soul mate. It hurt to know he wasn't yours forever, but it would be okay.

"I don't want to say anything cliche but I want to tell you that you will find someone too. You will love someone more than you love me now. There will be someone who will know how much sugar you like in your coffee, what are your favorite books and that will bring you flowers when you are sad... it won't be me, but it will make you happy just the same. And I will be there, you know? Ready to accompany you to the altar if necessary. I will always be by your side. I know we are no longer as close as before, I'm sorry, but I'll always be there for you, okay?”

It hurt to hear that, but Calum was right. There would have been someone else for you, but it wouldn't have been him. And it was enough for that night.

Calum was trying to make you feel better, to sweeten your broken heart, not to make you lose the same hopes he had lost for so long. And you were grateful, deeply grateful, but the pain in your chest was returning and you knew it was going to stay there for a while, too long to be comforted by the very person whose party kept going behind the wall you were leaning on.

"That's the problem, it won't be you. It will seem stupid, but I always thought we would end up together, in my head it was all planned: sooner or later it would happen, you would confess your feelings to me in some place of ours, like in the park downstairs on a summer evening, or after an adrenaline-filled concert or under a starry sky, at the party of someone we don't know. It was all so simple, wasn't it? I was so convinced you would be my one, that I didn't pay attention to what was really going on. And then you fell in love, but not with me. You opened your heart, but not to mine.“

In the distance, a song was playing. You didn't recognize the song, not even the singer, but you were sure it was a sad song and a little wry laugh came from your lips. What a coincidence, you thought. Someone else has suffered as much as you and has found themselves writing your emotions on a paper, accompanied by a sad melody and it was playing now, now that you were going through the same.

You took a deep breath and continued.

“And I want to scream at you, tell myself that it's your fault... but it's not. What is your fault? None, you fell in love, and it's beautiful. Feelings are not commanded, we cannot decide who to love Calum. You have not decided to love her as I have not chosen to fall in love with you. It happened, though, and that's okay."

Calum kept silent, your words repeated in the silence of that cold night but no words seemed enough. What should he have answered you? You were right. He hadn't chosen to fall in love with her, otherwise he would have chosen you. The only one capable of always loving him, in joy and pain, in health and in sickness. And he had imagined where to confess his love, he had thought of the ideal place in which to express his feelings, but not you.

There were too many words pending, too many unspoken confessions and too many feelings at stake. You wanted to tell him how happy it made you to have him around, how you loved the way he paid attention to details, how he made you feel loved, accepted, appreciated. And how you loved the way he ran his hand through his curls, the way he cared if his old neighbor had enough sugar and the way he brought you melted ice cream, because he'd driven all over town to find your favorite flavor, ending up getting lost in an unknown street.

There were too many things you had to tell him, things that perhaps he deserved to know. But you couldn't do it, not anymore. Your selfish moment had to stop, because it wasn't right to ruin that special night, you had done it enough already.

"I think I'm going home, I'm sorry but I need it. I wish you happiness Calum, really." You said getting up and wiping the dirt off your dress. Calum sat there, his gaze fixed on you. His mouth opened for a moment, as if to say something, but then closed immediately.

"I know and I know I won't see you for a while. If you don't come to the wedding I'll understand, but I'd love you to come. You're still my best friend, you know, right?" In that instant, Calum felt something in his chest, a pain he hadn't felt in a while. He knew how everything would go and he didn't want to lose you. He loved you, but he knew things were going to be different now.

"You are still my best friend, Calum and I love you, even if you are a loser." You said with a smile on your lips, but one tear escaped your eyes, and another, and before you knew it, you started crying.

For the first time, Calum didn’t hold you. He didn’t stand up and whispered sweet words to you as tears flooded your face. There was nothing to do this time, he couldn't help you and there was nothing that made him suffer more than knowing that he would no longer be the one who would go through everything with you.

Would you have remained friends? Probably, but everything was different now and nothing would be the same as before, like when you read each other’s mind, like when you spent whole afternoons cuddling Duke and listening to old songs.

"Don't be a stranger, okay?" He whispered looking into your eyes and a tear also fell on his face. He wiped it with his hand quickly so you wouldn't see how he was suffering too, he didn't want to make it more difficult, but you noticed it and your heart tightened a little. After all, he cared and you knew he always would.

"Okay." You reached down to hug him one last time, for a few more minutes. He returned the gesture, holding you tightly.

And for the last time, you picked up the pieces of your heart and walked away, leaving the curly boy who took your heart, who protected it, who kept it warm, safe.... but who had taken too much care of it and ended up breaking it.

Calum watched you go, turn the corner and leave his life and something broke inside him too, because for once, he wasn't the one who left and he wasn't ready to let you go.

Maybe if he had used different words, you would have stayed. If he had thought carefully about his life, his future, he would have seen you by his side, ready to conquer the world with him.

Would that have been right?

"Calum?" A soft female voice whispered behind him as the door to the outside opened.

And in that moment he realized that it wasn't going to be right, that you didn't deserve to suffer further and that your heart needed to beat again, to be happy… even if he wasn't the reason why.

And so Calum got up, wiped the dirt off his pants, kissed the lips of his now fiancè and went back inside, and while everyone was having fun, he couldn't help but think of you.

In another life, maybe, you would be his girl,

You’d keep all your promises, you against the world.

In another life, he would make you stay,

So he wouldn't have to say that you were the one that got away.

The one that got away.

#5sos imagine #5sos imagines #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5 second of summer imagines #5 seconds of summer imagine #calum hood #calum thomas hood #calum 5 seconds of summer #calum 5sos #calum hood imagines #calum hood imagine #calum hood x reader #calum hood x you #calum hood x y/n #imagine

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bramblebeau · 3 years ago

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I've been following you for years now and I've always wondered what made you wanna become a paralegal? Is it som Elins of lawyer? If not, why didn't you want to be a lawyer? Sorry if I'm intrusive but I remember you talking about you studies and it hit me now that you're done with all of it and I never asked why you wanted to study law 🙈💛

Hey! Ok so if I’m being completely honest, I never really wanted to study law, and I don’t like my job 😂

I needed a job when I dropped out of uni and I was in a bad place so I just needed something convenient, and my mum worked at a law firm so got me a job there. I was doing like the photocopying, sorting post, answering the phones, etc.

I tried doing a remote-learning illustration and design degree while working but honestly I was still too sick to be doing that, so that didn’t work out. Then I just kind of worked my way up in the law firm until I was a secretary.

Time went by and my mum and people I worked with were encouraging me to study law, because that’s considered the normal thing for young people working in the sector. And I felt awful for not having completed a degree (twice) and felt pressure to get some kind of qualification, so I ended up studying law while working full time. (Side note: I’m old enough now to know that it doesn’t matter at all if you don’t have a degree or any kind of qualification, your worth is not measured by that, but I hadn’t learned that at the time)

I know everyone is different BUT I do not recommend studying and working full time if you are struggling with poor mental health!!

Like ok, I got good grades in it, and I’m a qualified paralegal (not a lawyer, but more qualified/experienced than a legal assistant). But it was really hard and did not help with my untreated mental illnesses.

Law is a very interesting subject to study, I will admit that. I also believe that a working, properly funded, independent justice system plays a very important role in society. However, I was working in it the whole time I was studying and let’s just say I’ve seen too much of the bad side of the sector. It’s incredibly demanding to work in and you have to be able to deal with a lot of pressure. There are some great people working in the sector, but there are also a lot who live up to the bad stereotypes. I am also currently experiencing how broken the criminal justice system is, as a family member of a murder victim, so know that my view on all of this is very biased.

I know this probably isn’t the answer you were looking for or expecting, but I can only speak as I find. This is my personal experience in one small part of the UK, working in one particular area of law, so I’m not saying no one should go into law or that it’s not enjoyable. A lot of people are better suited to it than I am, and it’s probably a satisfying/rewarding job for them! It’s also very important that more good people work in it. But that simply isn’t my path.

#bea replies #anonymous #also dw you’re not being invasive it’s fine! if I ever don’t feel like answering a question I’ll just say so :)#at the end of the day my heart and soul belongs to the arts #also law is currently not a welcoming sector for people with mental disabilities #(in my experience in this country)

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ninjastormhawkkat · 4 years ago

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Another Wordgirl Au: Morally Gray Wordgirl

Morally Gray Wordgirl au

I don’t know if anyone else in the Wordgirl fandom thought about this at one point. A what-if I thought one day was what would have happened if Steven became Dr. Two Brains before Becky became Wordgirl? Such as what if Steven became Two Brains when Becky just came to earth as a baby? This is where the au begins

In this au, Becky is adopted by Dr. Two Brains. After Becky and Bob crash land on earth, Bob carries Becky around for a bit and enters the city. This is around the time Steven first becomes Two Brains. Bob, while carrying Becky, runs into Two Brains. At this point, Bob has no idea that Two Brains is a villain. Two Brains has cheese with him and Bob is hungry. Two Brains awkwardly hands some of his cheese to Bob. Two Brains may be a villain now but he is not heartless to not offer someone that is hungry food. Bob eats the cheese while Two Brains holds Becky. Two Brains is nervous at first because some random monkey just gave him a baby to hold😟. When Becky looks at Two Brains, she curiously calls him daddy. She is just a little kid who think that this new man holding her is her parent now. Two Brains heart just melts😍after hearing her call him daddy and looking into her innocent, alien, eyes. He immediately begins to dote on her as a dad would, ex. baby talk and cooing. Bob watches the interaction between Two Brains and Becky and decides that Two Brains would be a great person to stay with and raise Becky. He later regrets his decision.😓😆Here is an outline for how this au would go:

1. Becky still becomes Wordgirl. Bob tries to implement heroic morals into Becky during the time she is being raised by a villain. Becky wants to become a hero because she does not want to see the lives of innocent civilians hurt. However, since Dr. Two Brains also implemented villainous ideals into Becky growing up, her moral values are kind of mixed in her actions as a hero.

2. Becky is more sympathetic towards villains. Ex. When Chuck and Butcher claim to be innocent after being framed by Amazing Rope Guy, she immediately believes them and tries to figure out another angle of who really committed those crimes.

3. She isn’t as upset as when the spotlight is turned off her such as when Tiny Big came onto the scene or when Granny May became bingo champion. She is still upset, but Becky is not as focused on the limelight as canon. She, from Huggy’s teachings, believes that a superhero’s true reward comes from protecting the citizens and just helping when needed to prevent or avenge the cruelest of injustices. Wordgirl will accept gifts or keys to the city out of politeness. She uses the limelight to give the people of Fair City comfort and assurance that she is still there to protect them. Becky views heroism as a job more than a pleasure. It is basically, “You get good results based on how hard and well you do the work, not just what others say.” mentality.

4. That being said, Becky will not take a passive stance and try hard to prove her innocence if the citizens suddenly began to take advantage of her heroism or if they turn on her such as with the evil duplicate or when Granny May framed her for crimes. As I said earlier, Becky in this au views heroism as a job she enjoys and doesn't take impolite backlash, constructive criticism yes. Basically she just becomes done when residents of Fair City act like morons who think they know better. (I have always had a problem when a majority of the residents in Fair City act like gullible idiots. It always irks me how they will turn on Wordgirl easily and not often give a proper apology when they realize they were wrong. Sometimes, to me, it seems the villains have better appreciation for Wordgirl than the citizens. I am not including all citizens, just seems like a majority do this.) (Okay rant over.) Becky will be like, “if you guys don’t want me anymore then good luck.” She will intervene again just to keep the city from going into complete chaos. She still cares about the safety of the citizens, she just does not like it when they abandon their trust in her for no good reason. She is not even mad at the villains who cause this. They didn’t force the citizens to dislike Wordgirl, that was their choice.

5. Becky will not often take her dad to jail. She loves her dad and does not like the idea of him not being home (the warehouse; Becky’s living conditions their are like my version of the Becky Boxleitner au, just somewhat better due to her living their all her life.) She also does not like the idea of having to fight him, but has to in order to keep up appearances and not let anyone get suspicious and start suspecting her identity. That being said, she will let Two Brains escape after stoping the crimes depending on the severity. If Two Brains just steals cheese from the grocery store, she may often ignore it (its just cheese and it can easily be replenished). For crimes such as stealing money or turning artwork into cheese, Becky will stop her dad, but later act like he got away (if police are not around. “Two Brains Quartet” still happens because police are there.). Becky may do this sometimes for other villains depending on her or their mood. Citizens and Villains believe that Dr. Two Brains is an extremely tough villain to catch which raises his credibility as Fair City’s #1 villain when Wordgirl does this. Captain Huggy Face is not happy when Wordgirl let’s her dad go, but he deals with it because she cares about her dad. Becky does stand her ground if her dad, and the other villains, do something dangerous that affects the lives of the citizens. Incidents such as the plot to mind control all the city with bunny buttons and the cheesteroid do get Two Brains arrested. (Becky is like, “Sorry dad, but I can’t let you threaten the lives of innocent civilians.”) Since this happens rarely, Becky usually stays at her friends houses until her dad leaves prison. She has a visitor clearance and does visits with her dad when she can. (Still brings him cheese.) Not much interaction with the Botsford family unless they were a focus in episodes.

6. Becky is more aware of when villains act deceitful. (She was raised by one herself.) She pretends to be tricked to let their guard down before turning the tables on them. (She can be tricky and deceitful herself when she wants to be.)

The police force are more competent in this au than in canon. They were able to capture most villains, with exception to Two Brains and other major villains, before Wordgirl came onto the scene. The city was similar to Gotham before Batman showed up. It was fine, but crime rates were still high. The episode “The Wrong Side of the Law” happens differently than canon. Wordgirl is civil and polite to the police, but does really like law enforcement or fully trusts them due to her upbringing by a super villain. (Two Brains taught her she can respect law enforcement because they are capable of doing a good job, it does not mean she has to like them or follow the rules all the time. I sorta think that the villains have some respect for D.A. Sally Botsford because of how she is good at her job.)

Now on to “Normal” girl Becky. Becky is still referred to as Becky Boxleitner. (Dr. Two Brains did not want kids ignoring or making fun of Becky with a last name like Brains, or something mouse related. He wanted people to know and treat his daughter as herself, not just who she is related to. Two Brains also wanted to give Becky some protection so random people wouldn’t bother her because of his actions. So he just gave her his old human name.) Becky is similar to her canon character with a few changes.

1. Becky will empathize with someone if they are feeling upset and hurt. But if they are doing something dumb and stupid, or anything that is concerning to her, she will be upfront and honest with that person (not complete brutal honesty but something like “Please don’t do something stupid, I care about you and your health.”). She isn’t mean, but she is forward and won’t bother to hide feelings if hiding your emotions will only make the situation worse.

2. Both Becky and Wordgirl are sassy like her dad.

3. She is still passionate about words and respects her teachers and main authority figures.

4. Becky is more clever about excuses.

5. She enjoys science more as well as literature. Becky has top grades in her class. (Next to Tobey). She enjoys science fairs and is a bit better at creating workable, and visually acceptable, inventions.

6. Becky likes puns (Two Brains) and knows every fact about cheese as well as every fact about words (again Two Brains’ fault).

7. Becky is still a fan of Pretty Princess, but has ponies, books, and science stuff in her room. She is a bit more tomboyish than canon.

Becky is still friends with Violet in this au. I always viewed Violet’s mom as an open-minded nature women, based on Violet’s character and where they live. She is easily accepting of Becky and Dr. Two Brains despite Two Brains life as a villain. Becky is also forward early on how some of Violet’s traditions make her uncomfortable so there is no issue in the series.

Becky is more a fan of words and science in this au. She and Violet have fun mixing art and science. Becky does not take art classes, but rather is part of after-school science and reading clubs. (She takes science club with Tobey and reading club with Violet.)

Becky is also friends with Tobey in this au. I have nothing against Scoops’ character. I was just more fond of his character development in the episodes during and after he learns Becky’s identity, plus a few before the reveal. (In the early seasons, it seemed that Scoops would do anything for a big story, even as exposing Wordgirl’s identity as Becky. I was upset in that Vocab Bee episode because Scoops did not seem to consider Becky’s input or feeling when he found strong evidence that Becky was Wordgirl. To me it seemed unfair that Becky had to throw her chances at a competition she was having fun in just to protect her identity because of Scoops’ actions and attitude.) Tobey met Becky when they were between 5 and 6. Tobey just lost his dad (up to interpretation on how) and was just lonely. Kids would make fun of Tobey’s nerd-side and some other mean reasons, or they would ignore him. Becky sympathized with Tobey because most kids, not Violet, would avoid her because of her dad. (They would not dare bully her for fear of how Dr. Two Brains would react.) Tobey and Becky easily began to get along and overtime became friends. Claire McCallister was worried about her son hanging out with the child of a villain. But quickly after seeing how Becky was a good kid plus Two Brains being a good dad despite his status, and that her son was happy with friends, she let her worries slide. Claire, Dr. Two Brains, and Violet’s mom, have made an unofficial single parents support group between the three of them. In this au, Tobey does not become a villain, but still builds robots. (I already have a new villain that takes canon Tobey’s role.) Becky and Tobey are silently crushing on each other. Tobey does suspect Becky is Wordgirl, but respects her secret identity and will wait for her to tell him (or a reveal). (Still cares for her anyway.)

Scoops parents are friendly but are strong law-abiding citizens so they avoid Two Brains and Becky. Scoops in this au is nice, but is more concerned on news stories. He originally talks to Becky in hopes of getting an interview with her dad. Scoops is trying not to be inconsiderate, but he is sorta using Becky as a way to get to her dad. Becky deals with this stuff from other reporters and fans of her dad. Neither Dr. Two Brains and Becky like this attention. (Two Brains likes being in the news and in magazines, but he doesn’t like people using his daughter to get to him. Becky is the most important person in his life with cheese being second.) Becky shuts Scoops down after his first few initial attempts. Scoops is disappointed, but he apologizes and doesn’t bother her anymore. Becky is civil and polite to Scoops in this series, but that is about it. There is no crush. (I don’t know if I will keep the Violet x Scoops ship in this au or change it.)

I really like this au along with a few other aus I made up which include an Alliance Swap au. I am going to expand more on this au and the characters later.

#wordgirl au #morally gray au #a becky boxleitner au #with just a Dr. Two Brains dad twist #poor Bob #he has to deal with a good/evil Wordgirl #I just realize I made Becky a little bit like Manny Rivera from El Tigre #That was not my intention but okay then.#wordgirl #oc mention

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marzaid · 4 years ago

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List of things about Bakugo and his mother I guess (and some about Todoroki his father, Izuocha.) But what do you think about the list?

1. The thing I hate is how everyone is focused on Bakugou's mental health but barley focused on Deku's..... for example if All might died then people would still pay attention to Bakugou's mental health even though it affect Deku's mental health wayyyyy worse.

2. There were plenty of times when Midoriya has been through way more stuff then Bakugou and people still likes to focus him instead.

3. Bakugou needs to say sorry

4. Bakugou's mother is NOT abusive Bakustans they are trying to excuse his behavior, Bakugou's mother personality is not as bad as people think it is .

5. Bakugou had a weak excuse to bully Deku.

6. Endeavors arc is better because he even so he still had some consequences to his actions but it doesn't mean that I like him, his arc should've been even more better if he strengthened the relationship with Todoroki and spend time with children that he neglected such as Natsu and Fuyumi and say sorry to his Children in general especially Todoroki's mom

7. Some Bakustans need to calm down

8. There are some good Bakustans and there are some bad: usually it's to the point when they have to say sorry for other Toxic Bakustans behavior but toxic Bakustans go Waaaaaaay out in there way to criticize people or Deku saying that " well if Deku would not follow him all the time he wouldn't be Bullied" WHICH is wrong the only reason why he got bullied is because he was quirkless. I want some Justice for Deku

9. Bakugou is lucky that Deku never holded any grudges towards him.

10. Bakugous quirk is NOT that interesting

11. Todoroki should've won the sports festival he had way more experience Todoroki started to train when he was a child.

12. Bakugous mom acts like Tsundere instead of abusive mom she treats him more like a annoying brother

13. I honestly feel like Izuocha is going to be a forced canon ship Aoyama would be better as a love interest (I am sorry this ship if you don't like and support it at all)

I have but I don't think you want any more.

Ok here we go!

You are so right! There is a huge focus on Bakugou’s mental health and how everything has affected him but people tend to ignore that Izuku has gone through many of the same things (minus being kidnapped). I don’t understand why people ignore Izuku’s mental health when not only is the main character but he’s also had a worse round of it? Especially since Bakugou is part of the reason that Izuku’s mental health is so bad.

Yea you’re so right. So many people talk about how being kidnapped is this horrible thing (and it is) however that’s really the only thing really (besides the sludge villain) that is bad that happened to Bakugou. There are so many things that happened to Izuku that are so much worse.

SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!! BAKUGOU NEEDS TO SAY SORRY! But more than that he needs to actually mean his apology and show that he’s actually changed (which thus far if he’s changed it’s very minimal at best).

We really only see that one scene where Bakugou’s mom smacks him upside the head so it’s hard to judge from there. Personally I do agree that she is most likely not abusive because the way that scene was played it was supposed to be a gag. On a side note, interesting that many bakustans tout that as the reason why his mom is so abusive yet when Bakugou does things 10 times worse to Izuku they completely ignore it or say that it’s just a gag 🙄

There is no reason for Bakugou to have ever bullied Izuku. There is no reason for bullying. I don’t care if he thought that Izuku was looking down on him, that is not how you treat other people. I don’t care what anyone says. There. Is. Never. A. Reason. For. Bullying.

I do like the part of Endeavor’s arc currently with Dabi/Touya revealing the truth to the world and I do really hope that there are some really good consequences for Endeavor as a result of this. I just wish that it could’ve been framed differently. We get Endeavor’s point of view where he’s like “oh I’m sad my family is torn apart :(” and I feel like Natsu’s reactions are framed as bad (at least that’s what I got from the context) when I feel like they are legit and should be respected. I think that like Bakugou until Endeavor truly has real consequences (possibly losing his spot amongst other things) and he shows he truly changes I won’t be truly content with the arc but again that’s just me.

Oh god yes! Some bakustans really do need to take a chill pill

Definitely!! There are some good fans across the board regardless of the characters they do or don’t like and on the flip side there are some bad fans cross the board too. Unfortunately, we see a lot of the toxic bakustans because they are the vocal minority that we see. The toxic stans definitely need to stop blaming Izuku for trying to be kind and friendly to Bakugou. It definitely shows their mindset that they view someone being a good person as bad.... JUSTICE FOR IZUKU 2KFOREVER

For sure! Bakugou is lucky that Izuku for the most part doesn’t hold a grudge and views him as one of his closest friends.

Honestly? You’re right. I don’t really think Bakugou’s quirk is all that cool. Like congrats you can make explosions? But we have Tokoyami that has a living shadow inside him? Or Uraraka and her antigravity quirk? Or Momo and her ability TO FUCKING CREATE SHIT OUT OF HER BODY?!?!?!

I completely agree! Shouto should’ve won. Not only would it have been much more satisfying, but it would also’ve been really good for Bakugou’s character development.

Bakugou’s mom does act a bit tsundere. I’ve seen it with many parents. Discipline is difficult especially in that situation so really it’s just telling him to stop being a prick. Honestly considering how awful Bakugou is to everyone including his parents, it’s a surprise that his parents are actually pretty decent. Bakugou reminds me of that teenage boy that doesn’t get what he wants and threatens his parents even if they’re just being strict and telling him to be respectful or something.

Ugh!! I think so too unfortunately. Izuocha is a great platonic ship but it really does feel shoehorned in. It’s like “Oh she’s the first girl he’s ever talked to so obviously they’re in love.” Like there are so many other characters that could work much better. If I’m being honest I do like tododeku the most because that was the first ship that I saw going into the fandom and the ship that actually got me interested in BNHA. But I can totally see Aoyama and Izuku. That would actually be really cute! Especially with how Aoyama checks on Izuku and tries to give him cheese and talk to him about his quirk. (please don’t apologize for liking ships) (also I may have to check out Aoyama and Izuku whatever their ship name is because the multishipper in me might be coming out lol thanks)

I am always down for more stuff!! Please feel free to talk to me on or off anon about whatever you want 😁

#bnha #anti bakugou #Anonymous

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detectiveidiotboy · 4 years ago

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His Time In The Commonwealth IV: Danse

so as my beloved fanfiction, The Black Widow’s Waltz, comes to an end, i’ve decided that i am going to re-release the backstory chapters as their own stand-alone fic, since they read well as their own story. before that, i thought i might do a fun little thing where i release each of the companions backstories as their own post here on tumblr under the tag #his time in the commonwealth.

i had to take a break from posting for mental health and to deal with some things in my home life, but i'm back now! and with me comes the continuation of this mini-series. now, on to part 4!!! Danse's story.

The walk from Listening Post Bravo to Nordhagen Beach took three days. Had Danse been in top shape and traveling in his power armor, he was certain he could have made the trip in less than two, but speed wasn’t a priority in this mission; this was a pilgrimage.

It had been twelve weeks since his banishment, eighteen days since he’d last had contact with Nate, and seven since the Prydwen had been destroyed.

Danse had only learned about the attack the day before his journey began as he was attempting to trade with a nearby settlement. Nate had been his only source of supplies since he’d begun his self-imposed isolation, and since Nate had stopped showing up to visit, Danse had been left to ration his dwindling supplies until there wasn’t anything left to eat. He had considered allowing himself to starve to death down beneath the earth - continuing his existence was a waste of resources now that he wasn’t even able to serve Nate or the Brotherhood - but that plan only lasted two days after his last meal.

Nate had told Danse to stay alive. Nate had given him orders to care for himself until he returned because Danse was special to him. Danse understood what he was: he was a tool, a synth, a man-made creation meant to serve and obey humankind. If he could not be of use to the Brotherhood directly, then the next best thing he could do was dedicate himself to serving one of their best. Really, if he were honest, the idea of being Nate's personal synth wasn't unappealing to Danse. If anything, it wasn't fair to Nate that Danse be kept around to tempt him into violating Brotherhood rules. Sexual relations with machines was strictly prohibited, as was homosexuality, but Nate carelessly disregard both rules when it came to Danse, and Danse couldn't be more grateful. He was an abomination, therefore it wasn't his place to question a human such as Nate; Nate wanted him alive, and in good health, and because of that Danse had packed a bag with the few things he had to trade and walked to Tenpines Bluff.

As soon as Danse arrived, he was met with guns and suspicion.

“Stay back,” The settler warned, warding Danse back with the barrel of a rifle. “We don’t want nothin’ to do with you or your freak of a friend.”

Danse had been aware that Nate had a… reputation around the Commonwealth. He’d been a witness to several violent (bordering on psychotic) outbursts from the man. However, he had accompanied Nate several times to this particular settlement, and the people there had never been hostile before.

“I… am sorry for any confusion,” Danse said, licking his lips. He was severely out of practice after two weeks of near-total solitude, “Paladin Nate is not accompanying me at this time.”

The settler narrowed their eyes at Danse. “You… don’t know where he is, do you?”

“I have not had contact with Nate in weeks,” He confirmed. The sights came down after a moment of deliberation and the settler sighed.

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” They stretched their head with a hand. “Look. You just missed your buddies, but you should probably keep clear of them - they seemed to think you might have teamed up with Nate when the ship was attacked.”

“Ship? Which ship?” Danse felt his stomach drop, the pieces of the puzzle having presented themselves yet he dare not assemble them.

“The big one you lot got up by Nordhagen,” They said, expression turning from tired to something almost pitying. “You really don’t know what happened? The whole ship was blasted out of the sky. Damn near everyone in Boston had to have seen it - what, have you been livin’ under a rock for the past week?”

“There was an attack on the Prydwen?” Danse asked, taking a panicked step forward. The settler adjusted their grip on the rifle and Danse reminded himself that even without power armor, he was a large and unfamiliar man to these people. “When? Who?”

“About five days ago, I think,” The settler said. “We just heard about it when the survivors came through and raided our supplies - grilled me and my wife for hours about everything we knew about Nate.”

Danse’s heart stopped beating, he was certain of it. Why would the remaining Brotherhood want to know about Nate? The answer was obvious, blindingly so, but Danse couldn’t bring himself to even think it. Nate was Brotherhood, through and through - it was not the place of an Institute machine to question the loyalty of a flesh-and-blood human dedicated to the betterment of humanity.

Swallowing, Danse forced himself to put on a brave face and ask his question. “Was Paladin Nate there at the time of the attack?”

The settler actually laughed, though the question wasn’t funny and neither was his answer. “Was he there? I’m sorry but if what your pals said was true, he was the one that blew the damn thing up.”

Danse had ended up leaving his supplies with the settlers. There was at least 250 caps worth of ammo and scrap in the sack, but it would just weigh him down on his journey. The settlers insisted that he at least stay for dinner and leave in the morning, but Danse saw the state of their garden after the Brotherhood had been through and politely declined. It would be a waste to force humans to part with anything valuable to sustain the functionality of an obsolete machine. He had completely forgotten his hunger anyways; all that mattered to Danse was finding out if what he’d been told was true.

By the time he was close enough to see the empty spot in the sky where the Prydwen should be, he had his answer. Travelers, settlers and raiders alike had confirmed the story with identical depictions of events. According to the few witnesses left, Nate had walked onto the bridge of the ship with a gun and, without speaking to anyone, began assassinating high-ranking members of the Brotherhood, starting with Elder Maxson. The bloody massacre ended with Nate walking into the engine room and detonating an explosion - one that most likely came from the very mini-nukes that Danse had helped Nate secure.

Danse had tried to withhold judgment - he should wait to hear what Nate had to say. The descriptions all came second hand, after all. The Brotherhood survivors had all either retreated or were being treated in what was left of the major settlements. And the description of Nate that he was being given didn’t sound like his friend, his trainee, his partner one bit.

Except…

When Paladin Danse first met Nate, he had been backed against the wall by several hundred feral ghouls threatening the lives of his scouting team. While he would likely be fine so long as the fusion core in his armor held, Hayen and Rhys were vulnerable. He’d already watched the ghouls descend on Keane, tackling the knight in waves. Danse had shot them down, but it was too late. Keane never came back up.

So when Nate walked into the scene, rocket launcher in hand, and blew half of the mob to dust before Danse could finish warning his team to check their fire, he had been inclined to ignore the sinister, psychotic look of glee that Nate wore as he ripped apart the ghouls. Hell, Danse had delighted in it, feeling his men had been avenged. The moment the battle was over and those steel-blue eyes locked onto his, Danse knew he had found someone special.

Nate’s reputation hadn’t quite formed yet, but from the handful of missions that Danse accompanied him on it was clear to tell he would make a fine soldier. He was resilient and a fast shot; anything that stood in his way he took down. It was as if the man was made for the Brotherhood.

Danse offered Nate knight-ship several times before he was taken up on his offer. Nate rarely came to visit when he was in Cambridge, and when he did it was almost always to trade or ask for spare jobs to make a few extra caps. It was only when the Prydwen came rolling through that Nate seemed to seriously consider Danse’s offer. It was strange - Danse feeling honored for Nate to join his ranks rather than the other way around.

Nate made him feel a certain way, something he hadn’t felt since Cutler. Danse could watch Nate fight for hours, muscles flexed under his vaultsuit as he clubbed in the head of a ghoul or gunning down a cluster of synths. His nights were often spent imagining exactly what it would look like if it was his neck that Nate was crushing between those smooth hands and not some random raider. It was foolish, and wildly inappropriate behavior as Nate’s sponsor.

Maybe that was what made him overlook some of the man’s more obvious flaws.

By the time Nate was inducted into the Brotherhood, his reputation as a ruthless and cunning man had become fairly well known. Maxson was willing to overlook Nate’s violent past thanks to a combination of Danse’s vouching and the fact that most of Nate’s targets were shared with the Brotherhood. He had infiltrated and collapsed the Railroad, dismantled the Institute's hold over Diamond City, and struck down the mayor of a mostly-ghoul city in east Boston. His methods were harsh, but they were necessary - at least, that’s what Danse told the Elder.

“Still,” Elder Maxson had said. “It’s best we keep an eye on him. I’m not sure if our new recruit’s heart is in the right place.”

“Believe me, sir,” Danse had told him, “I would trust Knight Nate with my life.”

“That may be so…” Maxson said, “but I still have my doubts. It’s best not to take the word of a known liar at face value, and Nate has quite the reputation of betrayal.”

The truth had been there the entire time. Danse recalled the first time he had met someone who knew Nate outside of the Brotherhood, a young woman by the name of Curie. It had been shortly after the destruction of the Railroad and just before his induction into the Brotherhood. She had seemed nervous around Nate, agreeing a little too quickly to what he said and keeping her eyes on him the entire time. Haylen had taken to her rather quickly, both girls having bonded over shared medical knowledge, and Danse remembered well what she had to say when asked if she liked traveling with Nate.

“Oh- o-oui… I mean…” Her fingers tightened around the cup of tea she had been sipping at. “Monsieur is… complicated, in his motives. I am sure he has good reasons for what he is doing… I simply must trust him. He has done so much for me already.”

Danse had felt her words were foolish. She was lucky to have so much of the man’s attention, and it seemed strange that she didn’t recognize that. Less than a week later Danse watched as Nate dragged her into an abandoned shack, barred the door, and set the house on fire. Later, Nate informed Danse that the girl had been a synth and that he was only doing as the Brotherhood instructed of him. Danse had been forced to agree - despite the vast wealth of knowledge that Curie held, her existence was far too dangerous to be tolerated.

The screams that came from the house as the woman burned alive haunted Danse no matter how many times he reminded himself they were from an artificial being. For a while he wondered if synths could simulate humanity so closely as to feel pain; he had his answer now, he supposed. That girl had died in agony.

The Nate described to Danse during his expedition to the beach was far closer to the Nate in those memories than the idealized soldier that Danse had stuck in his head. The Nate who had eyes like Cutlers and spoke to him as if he were human, even after his synthetic nature was revealed. The Nate who had kissed him in the center of the old radio station on their first official mission into the Commonwealth. The Nate who would disappear for months at a time and then reappear at a moment’s notice, ready to drag Danse along on whatever new quest had taken his fancy. The Nate who never slept in the same bed as Danse after he came around for a quick fuck. The Nate who was rumored to have murdered his girlfriend a year prior. The Nate who had set his previous partner on fire when he was done with her, then walked across the field to press a loving kiss to Danse’s lips as she died. The Nate who had promised Danse to be there for him after his exile only to leave him to waste away in solitude. The Nate who had destroyed the Prydwen.

They were all the same Nate.

When Danse finally made it to the airport, he was surprised by just how familiar it seemed. The carnage had been mostly scraped away by local settlers, leaving behind only the hollowed out remains of training camps and supply stations. The opportunity for a new settlement hadn't been lost on the local population; by the time Danse arrived there were already the makings of several homes under construction. Upon arrival Danse was recognized by his uniform and a handful of the new settlers offered him their condolences. He was shown the way to the resting place for those who had been recovered - little more than a mass grave dug behind the airport marked with scattered crosses and hung holo-tags. It was more than Danse had been expecting. The locals he had met in this area before had despised the Brotherhood with a passion - the fact that they hadn’t just left the bodies to rot while looting everything they could hold from the abandoned stores was a genuine surprise. He walked along the grave sights, checking the tags for names he recognized. He found several, but Haylen and Rhys weren't among them. Whether that meant they were still alive or among the hundreds of nameless casualties, Danse would never know.

Danse turned away gifts of food and offers for a place to rest. His body was at its limit, exhausted and starving, but anything put into it now would be a waste. All of this destruction and death was because of him; he was not the victim, but rather the perpetrator. Danse intended to answer for his sins against humanity.

After politely asking for a moment alone from the concerned settlers, Danse left to walk through the empty airport. He had hoped that there would be something left of the Prydwen on land for him to do this in, but the majestic ship was resting with many of her inhabitants at the bottom of the bay. So Danse found the next best place - the first-story storage area that had been cleared out. He retrieved his pistol from his jacket pocket and knelt down before pressing the end of the barrel to the hollow of his temple.

“I am asking for you to do the human thing here, Knight,” Danse pleaded, knees on the cold, damp ground of the listening post.

“And I’m telling you I don’t want to,” Nate had argued, stubborn as ever. “I like you, Danse, synth or not. I’m not ready to give you up just yet. I need you to stay alive.”

The words had felt so kind at the time. Danse, who was nothing more than a machine lamenting the loss of what it had never really owned, had leaned into those words. They became his anchor, his world, his reason- no- his excuse to keep on living. Looking back on them after seeing the graves of his fellow soldiers - some hung with the hats of squires who were too young to have been given tags yet - he saw those words for what they were: selfishness. Nate acted for his own sake. He served no one but himself, and he had used Danse in every conceivable way. What else should Danse have expected? It was the nature of a machine to be useful to those who took advantage of it.

Danse was a foolish, treacherous, malfunctioning thing, but the very last act he would commit would be a human one. If reincarnation was something that existed for synths, he hoped he would get a chance someday to be more than just a cheap imitation of humanity.

“You know, I’m not an expert with pistols or anything, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to put that end there.”

The gun dropped from Danse’s forehead. He unclenched his eyes and turned to face the newcomer.

“Mind your own business, Scavver,” Danse said wearily, though still managing to push through some of his commanding tone from a previous life, if only so he didn’t prolong this longer than necessary. He could already feel his resolve wavering.

“Aw, come on, man,” The person in the doorway stepped into the room, arms stretched out behind his head in a relaxed pose. A pair of mirrored sunglasses reflected Danse’s haggard appearance back at him. “Haven’t the guys around here had to bury enough bodies this week? Why add to the trauma?”

Danse’s eyes narrowed, but he did stand up and put this pistol back in his pocket. “You make an excellent point,” He said, headed for the door. “I will relocate myself to a more remote location as not to disturb the population.”

“Thaaaat’s not quite what I meant,” The man blocked the exit with an arm and refused to stand down, even as Danse towered over him. “Actually, I have a proposition for you - nothing weird - I promise-” He said, holding out his hands in a show of good faith. Danse used the opportunity to sidestep the stranger and walk out of the old hanger and into the hallway. The man scurried behind him. “So, I can imagine what is going through your mind right now - who is this guy? How did he get to be so handsome? Why doesn’t he want me to blow my brains out in an old-world aircraft hangar?”

Danse ignored the man, which did nothing to stop his ranting.

“In order - My name is Deacon, I moisturize daily, and I want you to join my super awesome resistance movement to take down the rat bastard known as the Sole Survivor of Vault 111-” Danse stopped dead in his tracks. “-though I suppose you were close enough to know him as Nate, right?”

Danse turned to look over the man - Deacon, as he claimed to be. He was bald, as evidenced by his ill-fitting wig sagging just enough to show his absent hairline. He was dressed like a civilian, but up close Danse could see the ballistic armor plates hidden under his flannel shirt. There was a look about him that Danse recognized from some of the scribes, specifically the ones who had been tasked with recon. His eyes twitched at Danse's every movement, and the slight tremor in Deacon's fingers pointed him in the direction of a pistol tucked into the stranger's pants line. In short - Danse’s summary of the man was that there was more to him than just a scavenger with delusions of grandeur.

Still, he turned back around.

“Even if what you are saying is true, I cannot in good conscience accept your offer,” Danse said, continuing his long walk. Deacon kept up pace beside him.

“Really? You’re still loyal to him even after he turned half of your buddies into flaming corpses?”

Danse felt rage hit him in a wave, but years of emotional control stayed his hand. Still, he faltered in his gait. “Nate is dead to me," He said with all the contempt he had left in him. "Should I have the opportunity I would gladly put that monster down myself. My issue is not with your cause, but rather with myself. I am a synth. Taking me into your organization would be too great of a security risk.

“Oh, right, that. Yeah, I already know about that, don’t worry,” Deacon said flippantly. Danse pushed open the double doors leading to the exterior of the airport, and despite letting the doors fall back on Deacon, the man kept following. “I asked a whole bunch of the Brotherhood guys if they wanted to join up, but most of them turned tail and headed back to the capital. But there was always this one guy who they kept mentioning, yeah? A pal of Nate's who turned out to be a synth. The guy was supposedly still running around in the Commonwealth, one M7-97.” Danse took a deep breath, hating every second he spent listening to this man speak. “That’s you right? See, I figured if I hung around here long enough I’d see you. Nate isn’t exactly… good to his friends when he’s done with them. And I’d say blowing up the Prydwen was about as done as done gets.”

“As stated, I am no longer affiliated with him,” Danse said, pausing at the water’s edge when he realized there was no shaking the persistent little pest. “If you are looking for intel on his current location, I have nothing to offer you. Last contact was precisely eighteen days ago at Listening Point Bravo.”

“Oh nah, I didn’t expect anything like that,” Deacon said, coming up beside Danse. He reached down for a rock in the sand and skipped it along the bay. “I just figured joining up with us might be a decent enough alternative to suicide.”

“It is not suicide, it is turning off a broken machine,” Danse clarified. He couldn’t see the man’s eyes, but he was almost certain that Deacon rolled them behind his glasses.

“Well, when that machine is sentient, we call it suicide,” He said with a sigh. “Look, man, I know what you’re going through, believe me.”

Danse’s eyes narrowed, no longer able to keep his contempt from his face. “How could you possibly know that? The Brotherhood was humanity’s best hope for a better future, and because of my malfunction its ranks have been compromised, possibly irreparably.”

Deacon fell down onto his ass, stretching out so his bare feet were caught by the waves as they lapped the shore. “I know 'cause you’re not the only one he’s stabbed in the back,” Deacon said, looking out across the water. “I was part of the Railroad.”

Danse’s neck snapped to the side, looking down at the man. His mouth opened in a prepared lecture about the folly of mistaking synths for human beings and the role of the Railroad in humanity’s doom, but he saw Deacon remove the sunglasses from his face and for the first time he was looking into the other man’s eyes.

“Nate took us out in the dead of night. No one saw it coming,” Deacon continued. “He was a new agent, but the higher-ups put a lot of faith in him, because someone they trusted had recommended him - me.” Deacon looked back towards the waves, propped up with his hands behind him. “Look, I’m not gonna sit around and babysit you. If you want out, there isn’t much I can do to stop you. But right now, I’ll be honest, the only thing keeping me going is revenge, and that’s a hell of a lot better than being dead.”

Silence fell between them. Danse had no idea what to say to all that. On the one hand, he was perfectly happy with the destruction of a dangerous underground movement such as the Railroad, and on the other, the parallels between his and Deacon’s story were not lost on him. Danse knew that the right thing to do was to decline Deacon’s offer - possibly even take the synth sympathizer down with him before he caused any more harm - and continue with his plan to terminate his existence.

But Danse didn’t want to die, or whatever one would call it when a synth ceased to be. And more than that, he didn’t want Nate to keep on living. There were hundreds of people on that ship - men, women, children . Not all of them were good, Danse was well aware of the unsavory types that were often attracted to the military lifestyle, but none of them deserved to die the way they did only to end up buried hundreds of miles from home in a mass grave.

Maybe it was selfishness, maybe it was revenge, maybe it was raw, human (or at least human-like) emotion, but Danse finally came to his decision with a decisive nod of his head.

“Okay.” He said. “Tell me what you need me to do.”

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i-got-the-sky-i-got-the-road · 4 years ago

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A bit of a vent post but I have a person in my life who mistreats me from time because of her own insecurities and like the idiot I am I can never swear her completely off because I keep finding reasons to try to make our relationship healthier. And it’s become more open and honest as of late, but there are still times she uses me as, for lack of a better term, her emotional scratching post.

Today was one of those days.

She saw some less-than-ideal living conditions in my living space - I will always be the first to admit that I am a slob, especially when my mental health is spiraling downward - but she used that as an excuse to tell me that I do nothing, have done nothing all my life, and that all I’ve done is laze around while SHE was the hero and took care of everything else.

It was bait and I took it.

It wasn’t the right thing to do. The right thing to do would have been to separate myself from her and calm down somewhere else. You don’t have to respond to anger with more anger, and it honestly is usually smarter to let them stew in their own toxicity while you leave and center yourself. Either way, I exploded at her and asserted myself the best way I could - which was difficult, considering how much of a fuming incoherent mess I was. I called her out on all the times I had been there, holding her hand, supporting her, caring for her through her chronic illness, everything. Because after all we’ve been through, all I put myself through for her sake, all I sacrificed, I could not believe that she could and still does continue to invalidate everything I’ve done for....what? A small mess? The satisfaction of being right? The small feeling of victory that comes from yelling at someone else’s flaws instead of recognizing your own?

It hurt. And I know for a fact that she hasn’t learned her lesson and probably never will. She’s too far gone, and too comfortable with how things are.

Well anyways, so here I am, recovering from that emotional hurricane, and it does feel like there’s a storm in my heart. In my head too. There’s lightning at the edge of my words as I go about running my errands and even as I try to let it go, the rain is still there. And I’m driving home, and I’m driving, and I’m questioning if there is any point to any of this, when out of nowhere, a car makes a one lane transfer ahead of me. And as I look up and take note of the shiny black surface of the car driving in front, I read the license plate.

And it just says “Hug.”

Out of all the cars in the city I’m in, in the state I’m in, in the world I’m in, I somehow managed to find myself behind the one vehicle with a kind message, however small, for me during a time when I needed a bit of kindness more than ever.

Call me an optimist. Call me insane. Call me any name in the book you’d like. But I choose to believe that the one single word etched on that license plate was a sign from a higher, kinder power, and I think you all have a pretty good idea who it is.

My life can really suck sometimes. Humans can really suck sometimes. And when the people around us choose to be right instead of choosing to be kind, it can leave us feeling so goddamned drained and hopeless. I know I get that way, and honestly still sort of do.

But even so, I believe that there are forces out there in the universe that stand by us even when things fall apart. And for that, I am truly, truly blessed.

#thank you hermes #hermes blog #hermes god #hermes devotional #hermes devotee

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aboutlouishofmann · 5 years ago

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White Lies Magazine Interview with Louis Hofmann

How long are you in England for? I'm currently staying for six weeks, but I've already been here for five and a half so I'm only here for a couple more days before heading back to Germany for rehearsals for my next film.

Really, or did they kick you out because of Brexit ?

No they didn't (laughs) - and luckily there are no real changes until December so I can get in and out without a problem. I'm not exactly sure what will change for Germans anyway, if there are new regulations or if it will be the same in terms of travelling. It's gonna be really crappy for basically everyone leaving the UK - if you consider that someone who has a band for example and plays a tour around Europe will need to pay or be passport-controlled with their equipment every time they cross borders. It might not matter for a big band like Coldplay but small bands will have a lot of trouble with that.

Actually Coldplay has suspended their tours until they can find a way to make them sustainable.

I know and I think that is amazing!

How are you with environmentalism, are you active?

I wish I was more active to be honest, because I have a platform on Instagram which I could use a bit more - I'm just always quite scared when it comes to posting because I know that so many people then talk about it and judge me for what I have posted. l don't have an issue with taking a political side on an I think fairly easy topic to take sides on when it comes to the environment. But then again it's this general thing of posting something and l know 400.000 people will look at it or make up their mind about it - have an opinion and voice it. It's just something that scares me, so that is holding me back a bit but I'm trying a bit more.

Understood. But isn't it the same with doing a movie or starring in a TV series, you put it out there and everyone is going to judge you ? Even more people than just your followers as a matter of fact.

Of course. But that's my job. That's what I love to do, that's what I've chosen to do. I have not chosen to be someone who is followed by 400.000 people on Instagram, that sort of just happened.

It's a side effect.

It is and I am grateful for it but it also scares me (laughs).

That makes sense. But do you even realise how famous you are? I remember I walked into someone's house in Korea last year and they were watching "Dark" that very moment, all fans of yours.

I don't think I get it. No, I don't quite get it. When I talk to casting directors about my value on the English language market they will eventually tell me that it's not as profound as they want it to be to play a main role in an English language feature film. You have to separate between being known from something and being so known for quality that you have international value - having sort of a critical acclaim and value in different countries. I don't think I'm there yet and would only consider myself famous, which is already weird to discuss and acknowledge out loud. For now, to be fair, I'm just the guy from "Dark".

It did reach a bit of an iconic status though, also your character. Everyone is going to remember you for that yellow raincoat.

I hope they won't only remember me for only that (laughs).

Do you wear a yellow raincoat in private ?

No, there is no opportunity for me anymore to wear a yellow raincoat. It's not possible. But let's get back once more to environmentalism. One thing is stating your opinion on social media but the other thing is when it comes to acting myself, to change my daily life to help the environment. I would say I'm quite conscious about it and avoid flying and consuming local produce. Focus on quality and try to not waste products.

Who is inspiring you?

Leonardo Dicaprio for example. But I don't know if he necessarily acts himself that way, but he does something about speaking out about it - using his figure and position as an activist to talk about it. I quite like that.

He is doing one thing I could personally not do however. Speaking out for something and then doing the opposite in his private life. And that judgement is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of getting perceived as a hypocrite. But then again being perceived as that in terms of climate change doesn't really help because it needs to be spoken about and maybe you do not do as much as you talk about it. But at least you raise awareness and take even just a small part.

I absolutely agree. I think we need to re-think that whole concept of hypocrisy in this thing because if he reaches a couple of million people and they are changing something about it - even if he is doing the opposite - he is still doing a lot of good with it. Even though he is a hypocrite I think we need to redefine what it means - at the end of the day we will all be hypocrites because no one is really going to be able to live completely sustainably, we can't think in those absolute terms too much. Everyone needs to start with one thing - picking their battles. Focus on plastic for example, we may get better at disposing of it while still being bad in terms of traveling for example, but that is okay, we can only do one thing at a time.

Don't you think it's crazy that in relation to something like the coronavirus pandemic, pressing and tangible as it affects us now - everybody is afraid, everyone acts, the government acts and everyone is doing their part. Then there is climate change which is more intangible because it's still far away and people don't really care about it - I think this is a problem. Why only act about something that only affects yourself? It's quite selfish and stands for a lot more than only this.

That's it. We went really deep pretty quick didn't we? The most pressing question however is - how often do you cry watching movies ?

I do like to cry when I watch films, because I think I'm quite empathetic so I can relate to the characters a lot. I don't often do it but I really do not mind - it means I'm involved in the story. I like crying in movies. Therefore I know it has touched me somehow.

I have a weird relationship to crying in movies, I like doing it but there is a certain place where I cry much more easily - on planes. It's quite strange actually but I get very emotional when I'm up in the air.

That's good, I guess? Have you seen the film "Click"? It's not the greatest film out there, it's with Adam Sandler. But there is a scene in the end where he (spoiler alert) dies. There is a remote with which he can forward his life and he fasts forward to the moment when he dies. It's very dramatic, tragic - almost pathetic and still I started crying because I imagined that happening to me and felt so sad (laughs).

This is going to be the headline: Louis Hofmann, the guy who cries at Adam Sandler movies.

I can imagine you being the guy who would make a head- line like this.

Have you ever died in a movie?

[START OF SPOILER]

Yes, I've died in "Alone in Berlin" and also in "Prélude", where my character hangs himself in the end.

How was that for you?

I was not very attached to myself at that moment. I mean eventually it gets cut out. So the moment I actually die they cut off and it turns black. I still enacted the scenes but it was weird, it was more of a physical thing than an emotional one when I acted it. It's just sometimes with very physical scenes - the dynamic approach and action can be so mentally and intellectually exhausting that there is not much room left for emotional attachment. It didn't feel I was dying myself. It did hurt though, I had the rope around my neck.

[END OF SPOILER]

Good one. Do you believe in fairytales?

No I don't. But I do like "Bojack Horseman" though because it seems so dumb first but turns so philosophical.

In general, what is happiness to you?

I don't know what it means to me but I know when l feel happy - that's when I'm grounded, when I'm self-assured and when I feel like I'm really being myself. When I reach that state I feel happiness. Sharing that happiness with someone is what's most important. Happiness is truly being yourself.

Very profound answer. How is your work- life balance, are you always working?

I think it's quite okay. The only thing I kind of need to improve is that - when I work I work 100% and I tend to think about the year in little phases. I work then I'm free, then I work then I'm free. And I always only take really care of myself in the times when I have spare time. When I work my health and my hobbies - I just do not look at that. It's all about the work. I want to get somewhere where I can balance those things better.

The thing I really wanted to touch base with you on was the future of movies. We are talking about technology, virtual reality, 3D. Would you like to do some work in 3D?

I would only like to do something in 3D if the new technology elevates the film to another level and makes sense story-wise. I'm not a fan of it only if it looks good. If it helps the story to evolve into something bigger then it's okay. I'm an admirer of that old cinema look, of that really organic taste of a film. I don't know if I would like to act in a VR film. What I don't like about new technologies is that the acting itself and the characters and craft are kind-of left behind. In the foreground it's only the technique, the focus is too much on the visual aspects rather than the screencraft.

I totally understand what you're saying - but if you think about it this way now - people probably said the same thing about colour films in times of black/white films because colours took away the attention from the acting. I think it's about what we are used to. If we say in a couple of years it's normal to consume everything in 3D and VR, do we still think about that?

I mean it surely is incredible what they have achieved and still continue to achieve with 3D and VR. Remarkable how they portray an illusion and tell a story in such a unique and involving way. I'm just always afraid that if you want to tell a character based story with that technique, the characters and the acting will be left behind due to the sheer amount of attention the technical stuff needs from the cast and the team. But of course it's fascinating and intriguing. And since we sort of got used to seeing films in 3D, maybe that's also gonna happen to VR.

How do you think we will consume movies and series in 20 years or how does acting actually change? Looking at "Death Stranding", a video game by Hideo Koji-ma that stars an impressive cast with Mads Mikkelsen, Lea Seydoux and Norman Reedus, to name but a few. They are in this game as actors through 3D scanning. Imagine this fast-forwarded 20 years.

I really hope that traditional acting doesn't die. I don't know - in 30 years I'll probably think differently but right now I think you can not replace something natural with something computer-generated. If the technology evolves, maybe it will be possible.

Anyway, how does it feel like to see yourself in a sex scene?

(laughs) I've always said I separate myself from the character when I watch my films. It's the character who gets naked and has sex, it's not me. It's just when you are around people who you know personally, it might get awkward, for example with my mom. You just have to evaluate if nudity and sex is necessary for the story and the character - if it is, it's not tough to watch.

It's a powerful meditation on how to detach yourself from something, isn't it?

For sure, it doesn't always work though.

#Louis Hofmann #dark netflix #louishofmann #darknetflix #jonas kahnwald #jonaskahnwald

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