#how. do u expect me. to function normally. while in terrible pain.

[queercatboyrights]

does it still count as chronic pain if it's from health issues or broken bones that just. hurt. for months on end. or is that just normal pain

[fmdkiana]

【✧】━━━━━ 🌿 k i a n a     i n t r o     p l a y l i s t 🌿 ━━━━━【✧】

these are nineteen songs that i’ve been listening to while making kiana’s blog [x] some i came across, some randomly thought of, and some suggested by lovely muns i’ve been chatting about kiana to. since she’s a character that i’ve adapted for the purpose of famed, these songs have helped ground me in the person she is. i hope the songs and descriptions below will help you learn kiana a little better too

1. to be torn by kyla la grange

this first song was a suggestion from someone, and i think set the tune for the rest of my choices. apparently it’s from beauty and the beast? lol anyway it describes this desire to be torn, a carnal need to be used. the heavy sound of it is kind of haunting, a bit sad, but also strong. the emotion can be felt even without the lyrics. kiana has this part of her that deeply craves being important, whether it comes at her own expense -her own tearing- or not. also forewarning that a lot of these overlap on the same concepts. shrug emoji

2. intertwined by dodie

intertwined is a song that immediately came to mind for kiana after to be torn. when this song came out, many people saw it as a cute love story, wanting to be intertwined with a lover, and have them be the safe space when you have a troubled head. however, dodie made a video debunking this, against her natural inclination, because the song describes something severely unhealthy. the following music video also helped many people to see the gore that’s strung throughout the lyrics. it Actually describes a relationship where the participants have put all of their source of happiness in one another, and it’s left them codependent, but ever seeking more. kiana has this perpetual trouble in relationships, especially romantic ones

3. bite by troye sivan

i can be the subjective of your dreams, your sickening desire is a pretty good sum up of where the inspo comes from. it’s difficult, when talking about the negative parts of kiana, to not talk about her ex-boyfriend. i have lots planned to talk on so i won’t go on forever here, but it reminds me of how all it took was the tiniest invitation for kiana to “become his.” that’s how she works. come here puppy, don’t bite, and she’ll heel at your side forever. at least, back then. she’s someone who seems difficult, because she’s very asocial, but with the right formula, it could be so easy to slip her into your arms

4. hell in heaven by twice wish

this song is a bit similar to intertwined, i would say? someone who feels stuck, drowning in a “hell” that is only saved by a piece of “heaven/paradise.” yet they’re in between the place of hell and heaven, constantly confused of where they land, because they’ve placed their hope for salvation in this one, singular place/person. they want to be freer than they are, yet their salvation keeps them locked away. open the door to heaven, let me walk on the cloud. the day i’m trapped in you, save me, hold me tight

5. dinner & diatribes by hozier

a few different levels come from this song. while it was created with the idea of how tedious social gatherings are, the story that comes from it makes another world. kiana is asocial, and struggles with fear over social situations, which make something like dinner parties quite stressful for her. she’s also someone who isn’t fond of small talk, and more likely that type to say ‘talk to me about your deepest fears,’ but... she actually means it and isn’t saying it to be pretentious. she would much rather see the sickest, nastiest parts of someone, soak all of that up, than talk about whether the food was good. the music video describes this in part, but also gives a hades/persephone but worse type of story that is also quite kiana aligned. that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of

6. creep by radiohead

i want you to notice when i’m not around. so fuckin special, i wish i was special, but i’m a creep. not to ‘have you ever seen me without this hat’ on you, but lissen! kiana is forever convinced she’s an outsider. the things she likes are more Cool these days than they were when she was a kid, but the feeling of being ostracized for liking them back then will always live with her. she’s an insecure overthinking fuck at times too. and also desperately wants to be someone special, and unique, as if having that would make her pain of feeling different worth it

7. seigfried by frank ocean

the meaning of this song is pretty different from how i view it in relation to kiana. for her, the focus is on the idea of ‘settling down’ being... acceptance of normality? her whole life, she’s been searching for someone and/or something that makes her feel special. she became an idol for this exact reason, dated her ex for that reason, seeks the relationships she does, thinks she could still have superpowers for this reason. but the truth is that she’s pretty normal. her hobbies are very normal people type things. her talents aren’t anything that would have her being called top of the line. her thoughts are all things other people have thought of. her booksmart intelligence isn’t any stronger than the average. she is very normal, and the tiny part of her that acknowledges that usually shoves it away. but on occasion, she wonders if she should accept it, and settle

8. gimme love by joji

gimme gimme love is all you really need to know lol kiana doesn’t stick around easily when she’s not being given the same kind of world-ending affection from those she’s chosen to share that with that she gives out. she gives at Least 110% of her love, affection, and loyalty into anyone that she has chosen to keep closest to her heart, and if she isn’t getting that back, she can feel dejected, unloved, and unimportant. she may give people like this a few chances to change, but her expectations, or “standards,” won’t change

9. pain by king princess

cos i can’t help turning my love into pain is the strongest lyric that ties back to kiana. the overall message isn’t as strong because king princess has a different view on a relationship as described than kiana. for her, it’s yet another kiana will put herself in the face of terrible parts of relationships. the trouble is that she enjoys it, and seeks it, thinking it’s the ultimate show of love. not to pain one another, but to be pained without them. also realizing after all these i should be saying this applies to her inner circle friendships as well, but the standards are just a little less heavy

10. any song by zico sun

not one for big gatherings, kiana likes to have her social interaction either through the wire, or in small groups (duos are best to her tbh) the song has an upbeat tune that contrasts against the lyrical meaning of something more about... any song will do, something to drag away the sadness that’s living inside. kiana functions a bit like that, always seeking her uniqueness to bust out and save her from her own mind thinking she’s not good enough

11. why won’t they talk to me? by tame impala

she is asocial, but that doesn’t mean being a hermit,, an otaku,, whatever you want to call her, is a life full of happiness. she functions very well on her own, but when she has that for too long, it can be damaging to her head as well, especially when she has inner circle friends or a romantic relationship. when not speaking to these people, the need for human connection seems unbearable to deal with, and anxiety runs rampant

12. alien by lee suhyun

her mama told her she’s alien, but actually it was herself telling herself she’s alien mixed with influence from pop culture making her want to be a superhero and kids who told her she was a freak, all coming together in the desire for weirdness to be a Cool thing. kiana will wish til the day she croaks that she will have a realization that she has a special power

13. stressed out by twenty one pilots

ki doesn’t care about the core message of this song. many people relate to oh no bills~ adult stress~ but kiana doesn’t. even if she wasn’t born into a family that could live comfortably, and didn’t become an idol making phat stacks, she would feel the same. to her, it’s an inevitability. HOWEVA the beginning lines are 1:1 for how she wishes to be something extraordinary, and is supa insecure that she isn’t. i wish found some better sounds that no one’s ever heard. i wish i had a better voice that sang some better words ... i was told when i get older all my fears would shrink but now i’m insecure and i care what people think

14. true crime by epik high ft. miso

not exactly 1:1 word by word, since there’s several perspectives coming in one song, however, the overall message i think can be summed in it’s a true crime to be without you. other lines like i’d open up my chest for your entertainment, that was the line that drew me to originally put this in the playlist. i’m not sure on a story behind the song, but it strikes me as something bonnie & clyde-esque? there’s themes of being on the run, lying on the pavement dying, stuff like that. that kind of relationship is strongly the ideals kiana holds for her romantic and close platonic relationships

15. shine by pentagon (shouldve been knight but bad bois image PLAYIN)

i cannot explain to u the random joy this dumb song gave me when it came out. it’s similar to power up like i just?? get so happy lol anyway the whole premise is like nerdy person has a crush n theyre like oh my god~ why would u like me~ i cant say i like u~ it’s super fucking cute. i’m a loser who loves you. yes, i’m a misery. to you, i’m a nuisance, i’m an outsider, but in this world, i only need you. that’s where the kiana part comes in strongest, or explains it in one sentence. she worries she isn’t enough for others but her affections are always incredibly strong. also she’s cute

16. tail by sunmi dimensions soloist 2

when i first heard this song, i needed to play it again to pay attention to the lyrics because i had the feeling it was kiana-esque. i was right, but i would say that it’s where kiana could go at her worst. has she been there? i’m not so sure. perhaps teetering on the edge of having her claws out, but really, for now, it’s just that the potential is there

17. she’s my religion by pale waves

so as to not repeat myself too much and because this is so much fookin writing already, this is another song that talks about how deeply and dangerously kiana falls into others. she’s no angel, but she’s my religion, always finding ways to numb the pain ... made me feel like i was finally enough ... she needs this love just as much as me

18. space cadet by beabadoobee

this song has similar themes to alien, but rather than about being special, it’s about being in a shitty place and letting your mind wander to create a better reality. ki has her interests, her extreme love of her fandoms, because it’s an escape for her. that’s not something i personally approve of, however, it’s a common reality for many people. living in these online spaces and thinking of these fictional worlds gives her a place to go to when the irl world is too difficult for her to handle

19. me! me! me! by teddyloid

you might think this is a meme addition and sure! to a degree it is! but i’m also going to talk about it as an actual piece of music and visuals. first we’ll talk about the music video. kiana feels complicated about the type of anime fans that oversexualize everything, so in general, she likes a message that’s against those types. the message of addiction tearing real life relationships apart also is something kiana sorta needs to hear. the lyrics of the song itself talk about an all consuming type of relationship, and dissects it to explain how it wasn’t love, but worship, which was dangerous to them both. it’s a song that kiana perhaps would need to take to heart, but i, as her mun, am unsure if she ever will. that depends on the connections she forms, and what types of people are goading her on, or trying to get her to stop

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader- “The Work Wife” Part 6

You’ve been working for The Joker for the past 10 years: you speak and act for him and no matter the circumstances, Y/N is always there to take care of everything he needs.  The King of Gotham might not be married, yet he has a perfect partner: his work wife.

Starts HERE

After 1 Month

The Joker circles the warehouse, inspecting the boxes and crates full of ammo and smuggled goods received with last night’s shipment.

“Hmm…” he eyeballs a decorative vase engraved with gold and silver, wondering if the extravagant object should become part of his collection at The Penthouse. His cell start vibrating and J takes it out of pocket, impatient to hear about his wife’s routine checkup:

“ ‘ello,” he kicks two packages out of the way.

“Hi,” you greet your spouse. “Just got out of my appointment; the doctor said all seems fine. He ordered some lab tests to make sure my blood levels are within the normal range; I should get the results in about 3 days.”

“That’s awesome!�� he grumbles while bending over to grab some papers scattered on the floor. “I’m glad you’re ok, I should have come also for moral support.”

Y/N smiles at the confession, choosing not to disclose it makes her happy:

“You have to sort out the cargo; the buyer will be there shortly.”

“Yeah, but this could have waited.”

Your smile gets wider as J fumbles around with several items. 

“Tell you what: I’ll finish up some stuff here and I’ll drive to pitch in.”

The King of Gotham wouldn’t normally decline yet he’s actually worried after everything that happened.

“Nope, I want you to rest; you’ve been too active lately and you need to slow down. Why are you giggling?” he smacks his lips, displeased four trunks look like they’ve been tampered with.

“Nothing in particular,” the bubbly Y/N keeps the best for last.

“I’ll see you home; I found something I don’t like,” The Joker grunts as the heavy lid is lifted from one of the containers. “Stay put and relax!” he orders and you nonchalantly drop the bomb:

“Maybe I will,” and after a small pause: “Oh! By the way, I was given green light for sex.”

“ ‘kay, see you in a couple of hours,” J struggles with the box and waits for your long “Byeeeeee” before hanging up. A few seconds into his task and it hits.

“Holy shit!” he exhales and holds his breath, startled. “Jesus!!” he abandons the precious merchandise, running towards the exit. “Froooossst!!!” he gets his henchman’s assistance. “Take over!!”

“Yes sir!” Jonny emerges from one of the SUV’s parked inside, not understanding why his boss is in a hurry. “Anything wrong?”

“No!!! I have a personal emergency!!” The Joker shouts and pushes the heavy metal door to the side, wishing he was already at his destination.

*************

J enters the code on the pin pad and he is granted access into your apartment. He went to The Penthouse first: you weren’t there and he figured you must be on the 29th floor. He storms inside and rushes towards the bedroom when his enthusiasm is abruptly halted by no other than Jonathan Crane coming out of the kitchen.

Scarecrow almost drops the fresh coffee mug you brewed for him; The Clown Prince of Crime was certainly not informed you had company. Doesn’t matter though, he’s not one to be embarrassed by his current situation:

“May I help you Crane?” a high and mighty J sassily blurs out wearing nothing but his birthday suit.

“I doubt it,” Jonathan is quick to respond. “I dropped by to bring you extra ampules of Liquid Dream like you wanted and pain killers refill for Y/N in case she needs more.”

You suddenly pop up from behind Scarecrow, not being able to stop the question:

“Why are you naked?!”

The Joker opens his mouth because he has a cool explanation, yet the guest doesn’t care about it.

“I think I should bail,” he smirks as he passed by J. “I’m taking the cup, I’ll bring it back next time,” he announces and can’t contain a smartass remark: “Nice attire.”

Your husband bitterly growls and as always, you have to be the catalyst for a better outcome:

“Thank you, Jonathan!”

Scarecrow waves without adding extra comments, 100% positive you’ll burst out laughing as soon as he vacates the premises.  

And he’s correct.

“Oh my God,” you snicker since you didn’t expect such a funny coincidence to unfold within today’s schedule. “That was hilarious!” the amused Y/N finds herself in The Joker’s arms moments after Jonathan’s departure. “Where are your clothes?!” you kiss him and he yanks at your waist, purring.

“The jacket and shirt in the car, pants and boxers in the elevator,” he admits while guiding you towards the couch in the living room. “The socks and shoes are somewhere on the hallway.”

“I was wondering when you’ll realize about the news I shared,” you whisper in his ear as he takes off your summer dress, aroused.

The two bodies plunge on the sofa, Y/N enjoying the intimacy as much as he does:

“J… … J…” you cling to him when his left hand slips in your bikini.

“Mmm? Does something hurt?” The Joker pecks the tip of your nose, ready to quit if you say yes.

“No… it’s not that,” the seriousness in your voice makes him pay attention.

Maybe you shouldn’t bring up the past in these circumstances; here it comes anyway:

“If the Las Vegas events repeat themselves… I won’t forgive you again,” you stare in his eyes without blinking. “I won’t return… ”

The Joker is silent and you wonder what’s going on in his mind; it’s not a secret he was miserable after being abandoned in the City of Lights due to his despicable conduct.

“They won’t.”

“Are you sure?” the doubt in your tone forces him to reveal:

“I’m sure because it felt horrible when you weren’t around.”

You caress J’s hair and remind him you won’t compromise for less than his total commitment:

“You’re either mine or you’re not, ok?...”

“I’m yours,” he grumbles and it’s not very difficult since the woman asking is no casual fling but the only one he ever wanted to marry for reals. “I want the special treatment,” the immediate request makes you snort: it’s so like him to articulate crap like this in the middle of a serious discussion. 

“Do you?!”

“Yes!!” The Joker nibbles on your neck and underlines his affliction: “I’ve been so horny I’m not sure how I still function; I behaved though, I swear!” he’s fast to emphasize while pulling on your bra strap. “You know why?” J throws the question out there, aware the statement will please his wife. “I tolerate you… even if you’ve been nagging me for almost 12 years.”

“Careful,” you admonish. “Uttering such words makes you sound like you’re in love.”

“God forbids! You think so?!” the painful grimace on his face prompts more teasing from your part:

“Yeap, no cure for this terrible disease.”

Your bra ends up on the floor and he’s not content with the epilogue.

“I’m screwed then.”

“Noooot yet,” you wink and his purring intensifies when your teeth sink into his shoulder. “We’re getting there.”

************

Same morning, 11:47am

“There you are!” J exclaims discovering you on the terrace. “You disappeared on me Y/N: I thought you said we’ll have lunch,” the hyper spouse recalls. “What’s wrong?” he frowns seeing you wiping your tears and doesn’t stress the lack of an answer when he notices the ultrasound picture. The Joker quietly sits by you on the swing, kissing your scared cheek in the process. “You ok?”

“U-hum,” you nod. “I wish I didn’t have the miscarriage, you know?...” your bottom lip quivers while placing the image in your robe’s pocket. “I really wanted a baby…”

“My poor old girl…” he sighs and doesn’t expect you to agree.

“I am old!” you keep sobbing and he squeezes you closer to him. “It was probably my last chance to have a child and I blew it!”

The King of Gotham sucks at cheering; he attempts nevertheless:

“Mmmm… You’re supposed to say you’re not old and then I reply that you are old for my standards, which should prompt you to fight back and highlight my standards are crap. Am I to carry on these sort of conversations meant for two by myself now?!” he huffs. “People will think I’m crazy!”

You snort at his monologue and it’s the perfect opportunity to make it clear your opinion is unchanged:

“Your standards are crap!”

“There you are,” the delighted Joker reckons. “I got nervous for a moment,” he chuckles and you elbow him, smiling through tears. “What about we eat something and then we can plan our location for the honeymoon we didn’t get to enjoy?”

J’s plan is working: the little surprise proposition is distracting Y/N and she carefully weighs in his sentences.

“Would you like to elope?” he pushes for a decision and you play with your wedding ring, mumbling:

“I don’t wanna go to Vegas.”

“No Vegas!” he’s fast to consent. “Where to then?”

“Well…” you sniffle, “…what about Reno? We could stay at Solaris Casino; Mark Nessi would accommodate us.”

“He would. If we pack and leave, we can make it there by 7:30-ish pm.”

“You want to leave today?! What about your meetings? You actually have one tomorrow.”

“Meh, Frost can postpone them,” The Joker dismisses your concerns. “I vote we bail and have fun, hm?” he lifts your chin up. “Let’s get the hell out of here, yes?” the impatient Clown wiggles next to you.

“OK…” Y/N elects to grant his plea because escaping town couldn’t have a better timing: it will be nice to spend time together and try to get over the disappointment of his past mistake.

**************

Reno, 8:42pm

You and The Joker are strolling towards the gambling area, excited to have made it here an hour ago. The traffic wasn’t bad and you took turns driving, that’s why you had dinner first and then changed clothes in order to enjoy the night properly.

“I liked the lobster,” you pull at his arm since he’s distrait. “How was your stake?” you seek to chat when he suddenly opens the door to one of the storage closets and shoves you inside. You get trapped against the wall as J claims his special request for the evening.

“I want the special treatment,” he growls and you smirk.

“You didn’t do anything to earn it! This morning I made an exception because it’s been weeks since we had sex. Don’t let my lenience trick you!”

“Don’t nag me!” J cuts you off. “This backless red dress of yours is doing things to me so I want the special treatment,” he slides his arms around your waist.

“Surrounded by shampoo bottles and toilet paper?!”

“It’s quite sexy,” The Joker grins and you compromise a tiny bit:

“I’ll only do the first part! That’s it! I want to go and play poker.”

His face comes close to yours and you start kissing every inch of it, ogling the door instead of paying attention to him.

“You’re not doing it right!” your husband complains. “You’re supposed to look at me!”

You switch your concentration and keep staring in his eyes, abandoning the project when you consider it done.  

“Where are you going?” J stops your movement. “Thanks to you I can’t walk now,” he lifts up your short dress and you dodge his touch, opening the door in order to escape.

“Of course you can! Come on, stop sulking,” you drag him out and he follows, bickering at your indifference.

“You’re mean!” The Joker admonishes and you intertwine his fingers with yours, guiding him in the direction of the VIP room.  

“No, I’m not,” you defend your actions. “I’ve been around you for so many years that those blue eyes and long lashes don’t have any powers over me,” Y/N teases. “I’m immune.”

“Bullshit!” he mutters and you steal a kiss, inviting him to enter the poker room.

“Do you want to sit by the bar?” you point and J doesn’t oppose the choice. “I’m getting a cocktail. Grape juice?”

“No,” he pouts and makes himself comfortable while you fetch your drink.

“Hello Mister Joker,” one of the dolled-up girls swiftly pops up at the table. “I didn’t see you in forever!”

“I’ve been busy,” he avoids the subject and barks when she tries to collapse on the chair next to his. “This seat’s taken!”

“Oh,” she straightens her back. “By whom?!” the envious Ella inquires.

Did another girl get to him first?! It’s common knowledge he’s generous with his flings and she can’t believe another will cash in the benefits.

“My wife,” he taps his fingers on the table, annoyed the interrogation continues.

“You got married Mister Joker?!” the woman doesn’t hide her astonishment: it’s not that his nuptials were broadcasted on the news. Plus… he’s a very weird man, totally not husband material.

“A few months ago,” he sneers and she’s not smart enough to take the hint.

“Who did you marry Mister Joker?” she giggles, more and more convinced he’s bluffing: The King of Gotham is probably messing around to make her jealous.

“My best friend and main nagger,” J bitterly mentions. “Isn’t this what people do? Marry their best friends?”

“You almost got me Mister Joker,” she laughs at his strange acknowledgement, reassured he’s messing with her: an individual like him would pronounce such nonsense only to initiate flirting.

“Excuse me!” you bump into her on purpose, aware why she’s there. “I got you grape juice on ice,” you place the glass in front of your spouse and he opens his mouth in amazement.

“I was literally about to order this! How did you know I changed my mind?!”

“Best friends know,” you bend to kiss him and J pouts, annoyed you overheard his childish affirmation.

“You have such a cool tattoo on your back!” Ella exclaims. “Is that Japanese?”

Y/N turns in her chair, confused to notice the lady is still standing behind them.

“Yes.”

“What does it say?”

You take a deep breath, fed up by her unwanted presence.

“It says that if you don’t get lost, I’ll make sure your body is never found again! And if it’s eventually found, it surely won’t be identifiable!!”

You reprise your position at the poker table, patiently waiting for the dealer to finish handing out the cards.

“I’m so hot and bothered,” J brushes his lips on yours. “Your attitude begs for my undivided eagerness to peel you out of this dress,” he lustfully glares at your cleavage.“What do you say we leave and have a party on our own? We can play strip poker in the honeymoon suite.”

“We just got here minutes ago,” you fix a rebel strand of hair then whisper: “Table seven, white shirt guy.”

“Do you ever take vacations?” The Joker grinds his teeth, nonchalantly gazing at your suspicious target.

“I like to mix business with pleasure,” you wink and accidentally spill a little bit of your cocktail on his pants. “Oops, pardon me; I assume you have to come with me if you need help stepping out of your wet garment.”

“As that old Arkham report specifies: I need all the help I can get,” The Clown reveals to an amused Y/N, excited she’s receptive to his innuendos.

**************

You emerge from the walk-in closet in your skimpy purple lace attire and The Joker gasps, enticed at the view.

“Oh my God! Com’ere!” he gestures for your company and you crawl in bed, pushing aside the items scattered on the sheets:

“What’s with the shampoo bottles and toilet paper rolls?!”

“I’m attempting to recreate the seductive atmosphere in the storage room, maybe it can convince you to continue the special treatment.”

“You don’t give up, do you?” you scoff and straddle his lap, conflicted if you should grant his wish.

“I usually don’t… Are you gonna help like you promised and take off my pants?” J gropes you and the knock at the door interrupts your answer.

“Room service!”

“Did you order from the menu?” you ask and your husband purrs:

“More champagne.”

“Maybe our new friend has arrived,” you wink, hopping out of bed.

“Why don’t we find out?” The Joker spanks your butt as you cover your body with the bathrobe.

Y/N grabs the bottle of champagne from the ice bucket and hides around the corner while he shouts:

“Come in!”

The waiter pushes in the rolling cart in the middle of the lobby, greeting his grouchy customer:

“Hi Mister Joker, would you like one bottle or two?”

“One!”

You creep beyond him and smash the glass against his skull; the man falls on his knees and you take advantage of his dizziness to switch him face up: it is the guy from table seven!

“Who send you?” you ferociously punch him and he struggles to escape when The King’s gun ends up one inch away from his temple. “Who send you?” Y/N shrieks and she’s so absorbed into her job she can’t discern the mesmerized Joker staring at her. It’s not that he didn’t see you in action before, but it finally clicked:

It sure pays off being married to your work wife!

Also read: MASTERLIST

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: Diyunho.

[moodforanime]

Runaway| Sherlock×Daughter!Reader

Requested: Nope! The idea popped in my minded and I wanted to write it.

Word count: 5.4K

Warnings: This is an A/U where the apartment is spread on to the floor above, where the bedrooms and Sherlock's office is. Maybe a little angst, but nothing too big.

Summary: You hated the place you grew up in and the relationship with your father. People expected you to be smart, and you were. It was just that you wanted a better relationship with you father, which felt like it wouldn't happen. So you try to find your way and see if he cares.

__________________________________________________________________________________

The words he told you that day had the consequences of an excruciating pain. Maybe he didn't mean them to have this effect on you, but they did. Not like he cares about your feelings., you thought.

It’s been a few hours since the incident, yet his words still rang through your ears crystal clear. Sometimes, you act so stupid you make me wonder if you’re ever going to become a detective. With that attitude of yours, you’ll definitely fail any hope I had for your future. That’s what h. wanted .to make your father proud. Your deepest wish was to get even the smallest crumb of attention and emotion from your father to you, any emotion that wasn’t anger or disappointment.

He’s been sitting in his office, at his desk, ever since. He’s probably forgotten about this incident and the words he said, and occupied himself with a new case. You couldn’t say you were so lucky. Having arguments with a high-functioning sociopath who happened to be your father always ended up that way- he always returned to his office and focus on a case, forgetting about the incident within minutes, while you returned to your room and tried to bring yourself back on track, even when you felt like crying your eyes out.

You slid yourself out of your bed, walked down the stairs and walked towards the kitchen. As you passed by the living room, you heard the front door creaking. You watched how the door opened, allowing the familiar face of a man with short grey hair and a black jacket- your father’s colleague and only friend. At first, he smiled, but seeing your red cheeks and wet eyes, any spark of joy on his face disappeared, replaced by worry.

‘Y/N,’ he said, as he entered the house, closing the door slowly behind him. 'What happened?’

You’ve known each other for a few months now, and he’s seen you upset every now and then -as it turned out, you were much more capable of empathy and feeling emotions than your father-, but he’s never asked you until now. In a way, it made him feel like it wasn’t appropriate for him to ask, but he knew the feeling of being alone and far from the reach of help. If he could, he wanted to help you.

'Hello, Mr. Watson,’ you greeted as you wiped off the tears lingering in your eyes, 'Nothing out of the ordinary. I had an argument with my father, he said some things to me that might’ve hurt me a little too much and… yeah. I don’t know how to cope with it.’

John’s face hardened. He was very much aware that Sherlock was an insensitive person. It was annoying, but he never felt personally attacked by the man’s words. He was used to harsh words in the war, words all coming from his superiors and comrades, but a girl of fifteen with no obligations to the country and in a stable situation should not experience such thing. It was a family thing, he knew, but at the same time, this was the first time he’s seen you this upset by your father’s words.

'What did you father say?’ He asked.

You explained shortly what the argument was about, and you repeated the exact words your father told you. John didn’t seem to relax any bit.

'That’s terrible. Where is he now? In his office?’ You nodded. 'I’d like to talk with him about this. This is unacceptable.’

As he said that, he turned around and began walking up the stairs.

'Oh, it’s not necessary, Mr. Watson,’ you said, as he reached the middle of the stairs, 'He won’t listen.’

John turned around and shot you a confused look. ’This is about you. You’re his daughter. Of course he’ll listen.’

'Honestly, Mr. Watson, I would be surprised if he felt the smallest crumb of love or care towards me.’

The ex-soldier frowned as he walked the stairs back down. 'What do you mean?’

'He’s a sociopath, and a damn strong one. He most likely didn’t tell you about this, but my mother was killed when I was very little. She was a detective, too, but was shot three times to death by accident by my father while on a case. He mistook her for the enemy, and shot. The jury let him go under the pretext of self defense. If it wasn’t the few photos Mrs. Hudson has of my parents, I probably wouldn’t even know what my mother looks like anymore. Other than those photos and Mrs. Hudson's’ stories, I can’t say I have any kind of memory of her.’

John smiled softly. He knew very well how children were made, but Sherlock never confessed about what kind of relationship he was in when his daughter appeared and how you came into his custody while his wife was gone.

'What did Mrs. Hudson say about her?’ He asked.

You relaxed your shoulders. 'She said that my mother was incredibly sharp and intelligent, yet so caring and lovely, whatever that means. She said how it was a match made in heaven, as she’s never seen my father so happy before. He smiled whenever he was with my mother and would do anything to make her happy. She said I was a wanted child, but I think that after my mother’s death, while he would not give up on me, I was nothing but a grim reminder of his neglection in that case. I know he would never send me away, but I don’t think he cares about me in the real sense.’

A bittersweet feeling caught onto John. Sherlock smiling genuinely and dedicating himself on to making people happy? Sherlock… feeling? It was an odd idea, but not impossible. He’s lost people before. He knew the feeling. Yet… the idea of having a child that feels unloved because of an incident they couldn’t control still made him feel even more pain. John nodded lightly.

'Thank you for telling me. I’ll talk to your father, and see what we can do, okay?’

You nodded. It wasn’t okay, but you appreciated his genuine feelings of worry. It wasn’t something you got often. Knowing your father, you didn’t know how much that John’s words would affect him, but the attempt to fix something was still something you were grateful for. After multiple failed attempts, you gave up on trying to truly communicate with him.

John went upstairs as you took a glass of water from the kitchen and carried it to your room. As you passed by your father’s office, you felt a certain argument going on. You stopped walking.

'John, she’s fifteen, she gets food, she has water, a place to sleep, she has good grades, what’s the problem?’ Your father’s voice said, in a slightly angered tone.

’Communication, Sherlock. She wants a father, not someone who’s there to make sure she’s remaining alive.’

You felt how your lungs refused to get the full amount of air they normally would as something stopped in your neck, when heating the doctor’s words.

'How do you know what she needs?’ Sherlock shot back, 'You didn’t raise her, I did.’

'It’s not rocket science, Sherlock. Just try to more open with her. Be there for her. Please.’

Silence fell between the two for a few moments, before hearing your father getting up from the office chair he was sitting in with a creak.

'It’s not rocket science, huh? I certainly believe so but,’ anxiety pumped in your veins as you heard his footsteps come closer to the door. 'If she isn’t capable of doing the smallest task of doing well in school, I may as well think more seriously about how much of my genetics went onto her.’

‘Sherlock!’ John exclaimed.

Your eyebrows furrowed as you took a step away from the door. How dare he! He’s said many painful and insensitive things towards you, but this! It put all those things i the past to shame. It crossed every line and limit you put to his insults, by far. He could be ashamed of his daughter, but to the point to even wonder if you were his? You couldn’t stand and watch that. It would only get worse if you didn't do anything. 

You walked down the grey hallway and entered your bedroom. It wasn’t a big bedroom and was originally fairly modest, but after your father gave you the ok to decorate it as you wished, it became more colourful and welcoming. Various posters hanged on your wall that presented various series you loved and people you admired. 

Your father needed to learn the consequences of his actions, and you had a plan. Before you started the search for the things you needed, you took your phone and connected it to your charger, along with a powerbank. You needed a phone that would last, and a backup for when it’ll run out of battery. You looked through your room until you found the first thing you needed for your plan- a spacious, black backpack you once got from your uncle Mycroft. You don’t remember the exact context through which you got it, but you knew it was from him.

You grabbed a half empty plastic bottle you had in your room and filled it with the water that you carried to your room. You placed the bottle of water in the corner of your backpack, before proceeding to fill up half your backpack with some spare clothing. You made a quick trip to the kitchen again, from which you returned with a half-eaten sandwich wrapped in an aluminium foil you brought home that day from school. As you passed by your father’s office, the two men inside now talked much quieter and calmer, on a topic far from you. You took your wallet and put it in one of your jacket’s pockets,before eventually checking your phone’s battery. You looked at your phone’s screen, which now showed you that the battery was 80% full. Good enough, you thought. The powerbank appeared to be fully charged. You stuffed thepowerban and charger inside your backpack, before closing it, and put your phone in your jacket pocket. Taking your jacket on, you looked at the clock hanging on your wall. 8:40 PM.

Taking your current plan, your luck was that today was a Friday, which happened to be the last day before the winter break. You had two weeks to settle things with your father. If he wanted to do things his way, so would you. You threw your backpack on your back, and walked quietly down the stairs. Taking how focused your father and his partner in crime were on their current case, they probably wouldn’t notice your disappearance. Not immediately. You took your shoes on, opened the front door and left without looking back. Just as you put your hand on the apartment building’s exit door, you felt a presence creep behind you.

‘Y/N dear, where are you going this late?’

You cursed on the inside. You turned your head around and looked at the old woman with a smile.

‘I’m going to Madeleine’s house, Mrs. Hudson. We’re having a sleepover tonight.’

Madeleine was your cousin, Mycroft’s daughter. You were born a couple of months apart so it wasn’t like there was a large age gap between you two. You took a little of your fathers’ rivalry upon yourselves, but the coldness between those two didn’t stop you from forming a strong, close bond.

The woman seemed relieved when hearing your words. ‘Your father knows about this, I suppose?’

‘Of course.’

Before you could let the woman say anything else, you exited the building and began wandering the dark, wet streets of London. In truth, you didn’t know where to go. In the end, Mycroft’s house was the best place to end at. You could wander the streets for a while and then… You froze as you felt a cold hand press against your shoulder. You could only walk two streets away. Could’ve they already…? You turned your head around, ready to see your father or Mr. Watson, but it was neither. It was a woman in her early twenties with long, dark hair. Her face reminded you a lot of your own father. Odd, but it can happen. You squinted your eyes at her for a moment, as you analysed her. One thing you inherited from your father was, although seemingly weak, his observation skills. 

She was too clean to be a homeless, but she was below the average ordinary people’s life. A lower class person.The hair was brushed thoroughly, but not washed properly in two or three weeks, masked with some shampoo spray to look decent.The clothes on her wear casual and practical to keep warm, but not well kept and old looking- giving you the feeling that she wore them for along time without washing them. Low class with money problems, probably struggling to pay rent and bills.Tries to be as economical as possible.

‘Y/N?’ She asked, ‘Are you Y/N Holmes?

You nodded lightly. You made an appearance on TV and the newspapers a couple of times, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if people heard of you.

‘You’re not safe on the streets at night. Please go back home.’

You shook your head. ‘Thank you, but… please leave me alone. I know what I’m doing.’

She let go of you, allowing you to go further, minding your own business. Whoever that woman was, it was an odd conversation. She was well-meaning, you knew that, but you couldn’t go home. Not now. Not so soon.

In the meantime, it seemed like a case was one step closer to be solved in the 221b Baker Street apartment.

‘Can you ask Y/N if she’s hungry?’ Sherlock asked, as he arranged some papers on his desk. ‘I didn’t make any food, and neither did she.’

‘I’m not her father.’ John said, looking at Sherlock expectantly.

Sherlock raised his head to look at the man with a blank stare. ‘You’re not. But that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of…’

‘Sherlock, just go talk with her!’ John exploded, ‘You had an argument with her. She’s upset. You can’t keep silent for forever!’

Sherlock sighed as he stood up. ‘If you insist…’

He walked to your room and felt his face wrinkle in confusion as no light passed through the crack under your door. There was no way you were asleep so early. You never went to bed before 10 PM, and it was just 10 minutes before 9. He knocked on the door.

‘Y/N? Open the door please.’

No answer came.

‘Y/N?’ Sherlock tried again. ‘I just want to know if you’re hungry.’

No answer.

‘If you don’t open the door now, I’m going to come in.’

It seemed like luck wasn’t by his side that evening. He opened the door slowly, only to be met by a dark room. He reached for the light switch and turned the lights on. No one was in the room, and various objects were scattered around the floor. Sherlock felt how his heart missed a beat. 

'Y/N! Where are you?' He yelled, as he hurried down the hall. He walked down the stairs, his eyes scanning the rooms. You weren't there either. 'John!'

It didn't take long for John to come. Hearing the man's yelling, he was already up. 

'What's wrong? Where's Y/N?' John asked, worryingly.

'I… I don't know! I thought she was in her room, goddammit!

The front door opened slowly, as Mrs. Hudson came in, looking at Sherlock questioningly.

'What's with this noise, Sherlock?' She asked, 'It's 9 PM, for God's sake!'

'I don't know where Y/N is. Have you seen her?'

The woman frowned. 'She left about 20 minutes ago, I think. She said that she went to Madeleine's house for a sleepover. I asked her if you knew about it, and she said that you did.'

For a moment, Sherlock and John made eye contact.

'Mycroft's place.' John said.

Sherlock paused, as he looked at the front door. 'She took her black shoes. The Adidas ones, for better mobility. They're more comfortable, allowing the user to walk longer distances without a discomfort. Assuming she took her new jacket,' Sherlock paused for a moment as he walked up the stairs, 'She'll be able to walk a long distance without discomfort because of the coldness or her feet.'

He entered your room, opened your wardrobe and all your drawers, followed by John and Mrs. Hudson who couldn't do anything but look at him.

'She's taken the backpack Mycroft gave her, her phone, charger and a power bank,' he said agitated as he walked around the room, looking for clues, 'She wouldn't need a power bank if she went to Mycroft's, and if that's the case, she probably didn't plan to come back anytime this evening. Empty glass, bottle… she also took a bottle of water with her and some spare clothes, so she wouldn't dehydrate and be dirty if anything happened. She probably took some food with her too.'

For a moment, Sherlock stopped from walking and talking as he thought of a conclusion. As they sat at the door, John was frozen in the shock, while Mrs. Hudson was trembling, inches away from sobbing.

'If I would've known, maybe… She didn't give any sign that there might be anything wrong.' She said.

'Of course not.' Sherlock said, calmly. 'She's a good liar. Conclusion: Y/N  ran away.'

That short sentence was enough to bring Mrs. Hudson to such emotions that made her tears fall, along with wails of pain and worry as John tried to call her down.

'This is all your fault, you know?' John said, looking at Sherlock, 'Not yours, Mrs. Hudson, it's Sherlock's. How insensitive can you be?'

'John, I-'

'She's your daughter! High functioning sociopath or not, you're supposed to love and to protect her! Did you even bother to ever ask her about how she's coping with the loss of her mother?'

'She was very young when her mother died.' Sherlock said, coldly.

'Y/N's told me how she died. Whatever happened there is not my business but please, be compassionate with her, even if it hurts. If I had a daughter, I would go through Hell and back just so she would be happy. Why don't you? Do you even know what she thinks-'

'I don't know how!' Sherlock exploded, making Mrs. Hudson stop from crying for a moment, 'She's my daughter. Do you think I'm so heartless to hate her? I can assure you, John, I loved my wife with all my heart. Y/N's all I have left of her. I could never hate her. She's my only real family.'

John's eyes widened. This man…

'Sherlock, that's beautiful.' Mrs. Hudson commented, as she wiped off her tears.

'Then why…?' John asked, his voice trailing off.

'I don't know how to communicate with her, okay? She's so different from me and so sensible that I always get the feeling that if I say anything, it might hurt her. That… bringing to the lack of communication. Then, she asks me why I don't talk to her and… I just can't. We always get in arguments, do you think I like it?'

'Just tell her. Ask her to sit down and try to word out everything.'

'If it only was that simple,'Sherlock said as he walked out of the room, 'but if we don't make a single attempt to find her, I'll never get the chance to do the impossible.'

He took his coat on and stormed out of the apartment, not waiting for his colleague. He got outside the apartment and stopped for a moment. Think, Sherlock, think. Where would Y/N go? It was already some time after 9 PM, so most places would already be closed. 

'Did you call Mycroft?' John said as he catches up to him.

'Why should I? He'll know nothing more than me.'

'He works with the police, doesn't he? He can easily send some people after her to help.'

For a moment, Sherlock considered

'I'll call my brother only we truly can't find her.'

And with that, Sherlock began to talk down the streets of London aimlessly. It was almost as if he was hoping to see you any corner. He did, in a way,  it he was aware it wouldn't be so simple.

You were smart. He didn't even know why he said those words to you that day. He didn't even know why he even consider you any less that worthy. He wished you to be like him, but as it seemed, you were in the same position he once was. Parents often wish the best for the kids, but forget what's truly best for the child itself. In that moment, he wasn't Sherlock Holmes anymore. He wasn't the famous particular detective every detective envied. At that moment, he was nothing more than a desperate fool trying to find his daughter.

Meanwhile, you were sitting in the cold on the stairs of someone's front door. What were you even doing there? You could've easily called Mycroft and go to a safe, warm space. But he'd call your dad, and he'd come to get you. You were in no mood to do that. You didn't have the energy for another argument.

'Y/N.'

The voice came to you so unexpectedly that you jumped straight up, your senses now sharp and alert. Next to you was the same woman that stopped you earlier that evening, with a curious, worried look. In that moment, you regretted not bringing any kind of weapon with you. You could've called the police, but again...

'What do you want?' You asked, 'Are you stalking me?'

'I'm not here to hurt you, so relax.'

Her words came so unexpectedly that you obeyed immediately. Although still alert, any feeling of fear and concern you felt went away, leaving you staring at the woman blankly.

'Your father is looking for you with some friend of his, and he's worried sick. He's almost on the verge of calling your uncle.'

You snorted. 'Like he'd ever do that for me. Calling my uncle and all, I mean. If he really wants, he'll find me.'

You knew that all along. Your father was a private detective, for God's sake. He's dealing with missing people every day. You didn't plan on going anywhere far or make it too complicated for him. You just wanted to give him a small surprise, like an alarm that something wasn't good with you.

'He's a smart man. If you want, I know a place where you can hide for as long as you want. It's safe from the authorities. My people know some people up there, in the government. They can pull some strings for you.'

'Your people?' You frowned.

'Well of course,' she smiled sheepishly, 'How do you think I'm still roaming around as I please? We don't have much time left, though. I need an answer now.'

It was tempting. Very tempting. But it would be only temporary, and for a short amount of time. Whoever this woman was, she gave you a good opportunity to escape. But your father knew your weak points and he'd get the information out of you with no trouble. You didn't want to do that to her.

'I don't want to put you at risk,' You told her, 'But I want to keep contact with you, if anything happens for real. How can I find you then?'

She smiled. 'Go to Baker's Hollow and ask for Eurus. They'll bring you to me.'

'Eurus. Wait… Baker's Hollow? I never heard if it.'

'You're too young to know it. It's a place downtown, where the freaks all come around. It's full of interesting people willing to do all sorts if things for you, in return for something. Anything worthy for their actions.'

You nodded. 'Thank you. I'll keep it in mind.'

For a moment, the woman looked behind you, down the dark street.

'I'll have to go now. See ya.'

'Goodbye ' You said, as you watched the woman disappear behind the street's corner. 

You turned around and began walking. The street was empty and lighted nicely by multiple street lamps spread on it. Somewhere in the distance behind you, two sets of hurried steps could be heard, approaching you rapidly.

'Y/N!'

'Y/N, stop right there this instant!' A strict yet familiar male voice yelled after you.

You sighed as you stopped walking. So they really got me fast, you thought, turning around. You raised your head, ready to face the man's wrath on you, but instead, you were pulled in an inescapable bear hug. You felt how your father rested his head on yours as you tried to process what was happening.

'God, I was so worried about you,' he mumbled.

Your father… hugging you? Telling you he was worried? The last time you remember him hugging you was when you were eight, after twisting your ankle for the first time. As for his worries, you hoped for him to be worried, but you never thought of him showing it. In your best case scenario, he'd scold you for running away,  let you off the hook and not talk to you for a week. It was nothing you expected to happen, in none of your calculations, and to put it simply, you didn’t know how to react to it. You let yourself fall prey to your instincts and did what you felt like was right- you hugged him back. 

Sherlock felt his heart beat harder than ever. His daughter was fine. You were there, with him, with all your limbs intact- wounds. He pulled out of the hug and knelt down a little to get on your level. He grabbed you by your shoulders.

'Y/N, are you hurt?'

You shook your head negatively. 

'You sure? Did you fall or-'

'I'm fine, believe me.'

Sherlock pursed his lips. 'Of course I believe you. You're my daughter.'

You smiled sheepishly. For a moment, Sherlock paused as you made eye contact with his sidekick.

'I'm sorry to put you through the trouble of looking for me, Mr. Watson.' You told him.

'Y/N, why did you go away?’ Sherlock asked,  ‘I promise I won't get mad.

You looked back at your father, with a blank stare. You wanted to tell him so badly the reasoning behind your little escape, but you didn’t know if you should. You didn’t know if he’d understand, let alone try to fix it. You were fine and alive, what would he need more from you? You were nothing but a reminder of what he once lost on a case because of his momentary inattention.

‘Go on.’ John encouraged softly, ‘Tell him. It’s okay.’

You felt your face wrinkling in overwhelming as all the emotions you suppressed through time came back to you at once. 

‘I just wanted you to look at me,’ you said as you choked on your tears, ‘‘People always tell me how much I’m like you and you always tell me things of when I’ll become a detective but you never ask me if I want to become one. You never ask me about school or how I’m doing, and I… I get the feeling like I’m a burden to you and everyone.’

‘A burden? That’s absurd!’ Your father said, incredulously. ‘Who told you these things? Did your uncle Mycroft say that?’

‘He didn’t. He never said anything like that. No one did. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t feel like your daughter, but a stupid, daily reminder that my mother died and the cause she died. Maybe if I just disappear, then-’

Your father pulled you in another hug, holding you tight as he rested his head on your shoulder. Every emotion you’ve felt until then couldn’t be suppressed anymore, leaving you to empty yourself from your sorrows through ugly sobs. You felt so weak, so useless. There, you said it all to your father, but your chest didn’t feel any lighter. The same hardness lay on your chest, restlessly tormenting you day and night.

‘You’re not a burden, Y/N,’ your father said quietly, ‘You’re anything but a burden. You never were one, and you’ll never be. When your mother died, it was very painful, but you’re not responsible for it, and I’m sorry you feel that way. I loved your mother very much, and I don’t think I’d be able to love another woman so much. It happened so long ago that without you, I might forget things. But with you, I remember everything perfectly. I remember your mother, and why I have to keep going. You’re not a burden to me, Y/N. You’re the best thing that happened to me. I don’t know where I would be without you.’

Standing behind you two, John blinked repeated as he tried to stop his eyes from stinging. As it seemed, there was much more to your problems than you let people know. Lack of parental attention was already a problem, but everything that came after it was even more serious. Sherlock's negligence could be debatable, but the things he told you were something new and unusual to the Sherlock he knew. 

John was very much aware of how much that your father cared about you- he talked about you whenever he got the chance, may it be laughing at a joke you told him or a funny story, or may it be his praising over you and your achievements, anyone who'd spend time with Sherlock would be able to tell just how much you meant to him. It was just unbelievable that Sherlock would express those feelings to you. 

As for you, you’ve never held onto your father harder. You hugged him so hard you felt your fingers hurt. He didn’t seem to mind it, though. Were those his true feelings? Then… all that time, it was just your mind playing tricks on you. You father really cared about you. He held you like that until you calmed down and didn’t cry anymore. After you calmed down, he looked at you and smiled softly as he wiped your tears with his sleeve.

‘Let’s go home, shall we?’

Sherlock paused as John gave him a pressuring look, 'What?'

John pursed his lips.

'Oh, alright, alright. John, Y/N, let's go.'

You entered the apartment you were so familiar with and took off your shoes and jacket. 

'Are you hungry, Y/N?' Your father asked as he walked through the kitchen, 'It's still eight thirty P.M., I could order some pizza.'

You smiled. 'That sounds great.'

There were people who cared about you. There were people who loved you. You felt how a burden was lifted from your chest. No matter how tough it would get, there will always be someone for you. You were loved. You mattered.

[parkaiur]

Perfection - Jihoon

❀ Comedy + fluff + a dash of angst 

❀ Word count: 6.2 K

❀Being in love with your best friend sucks when they don’t feel the same about you. Once you think you will be pining over him forever, a new boy moves to your school and happens to share all the same classes as you. You start to become entranced with his cute face and fun personality, soon making you forget about the previous boy, or have you?

❀A/N: switching to first pov to see which i like more lol so dont attack me,,,  also im sorry for making these fics so long lsakdjfas idk if ppl like long fics or short fics so some feedback would be nice >.< thank u all for supporting me on my last fic as well ! :D hope u enjoy this one <3

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I rode into the school parking lot, rolling my eyes at the loud music playing throughout school. Every Friday morning, the school blared loud music inside and outside the school which I despised. I groaned and parked my car crookedly-- I was a terrible driver. 

“Wow, just another Friday morning.” My next door neighbor, Seunghun grumbled while getting out of the car. We had been neighbors ever since we were kids, and once we hit high school, Seunghun had to start driving me places since he was one year older than me. Of course, now that I was older, we took turns.

“I can’t wait to get out of this place.” I groaned while downing my coffee. I could never function without it. Seunghun patted me on the back. “You still have two years kid. Junior year is the suckiest too but at least it’s almost winter break.” 

I sighed and tried to ignore the rambunctious teenagers that were screaming and dancing to the music. That was just embarrassing. 

“Well, well, well, good morning to you two.” I jumped at the sudden deep voice behind me but my heart jumped when I saw who it was. “Oh, it’s just you.” I joked. Seunghun laughed loudly and poked Hyunsuk teasingly.

“Why do I even bother anymore?” Hyunsuk rolled his eyes playfully while walking next to my side. I felt warm at his close proximity, my face probably turning red as time ticked by. But of course, they were dudes, they didn’t notice. 

Seunghun and I had been friends since we were in diapers, but I’d only thought of him as an older brother figure in my life, and he thought of me as a little sister. Hyunsuk  had transferred to our high school during my freshman year of high school. Hyunsuk and Seunghun were both in dance club and in the same math class-- they immediately clicked. And somehow we all became best friends that told each other everything. 

Except that I had a big fat crush on Hyunsuk.

“School dance tickets are now available at the register! Go get your tickets now!” I saw the president of leadership shout these words through the commons. I tried not to flinch at the volume. Seunghun giggled childishly at my reaction while I pinched his side. “Hey! Don’t hurt me.” He gave me a cute frown which made me resist pinching him again. I knew he could tickle me to death if he wanted to. 

Hyunsuk then smirked and hit Seunghun’s shoulder playfully. “Hey, aren’t you taking Hyemi to the dance?” Seunghun’s demeanor immediately changed from confident to shy. Hyunsuk gripped my shoulder to keep him from laughing out loud. I felt empty when he set his hand down to his side once again. 

“Shut up, I haven’t even asked her yet.” Hyunsuk and I gasped dramatically at Seunghun’s revelation. “Kim Seunghun, the dance is a few Saturdays from today, how dare you!” I faked being shocked while Hyunsuk played along with me. Seunghun rolled his eyes and kept on walking. He was so done my and Hyunsuk’s antics. 

Seunghun then wiggled his eyebrows and punched the other boy on the shoulder. “Enough about me, I heard a little something through the grapevine that Hyunsuk is asking Kyungmi to the winter formal.” 

My heart dropped at the news, but I kept a playful smile on my face. I hoped it wasn’t faltering. “Wait, what? Why haven’t I heard about this?” I punched his shoulder while he cringed at the pain. 

I took a peak at Hyunsuk’s expression which was cheeky and mysterious. He was never the type to get flustered when it came to girls. The older boy adjusted his jacket and wiggled his eyebrows at the both of us. 

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” He said suspiciously while fixing his hair. I felt my hopes getting lower and lower at his statement. Hyunsuk shook his head and slung an arm around my shoulder. I held in my yelp of surprise. 

This is normal, friends do this. Don’t make it weird.

“How about you, y/n? Who are you taking to the winter formal? Any boys been lining up at your door?” I snorted and took his arm off of me so that my heart would stop doing little flip flops.

I took a sip of my coffee and shook my head. “Nope, sorry, I’m the one with the boring love life in this circle.” I tried to not let my voice sound disappointed. I felt Seunghun pinch my cheeks. “Aw, y/n, it’s fine, I’m sure someone will ask you soon.” 

Most juniors and seniors had dates to the winter formal and if you didn’t, you were basically seen as a loser. I was going to be a loser, but honestly I didn’t care about being one. If I wasn’t going with Hyunsuk, I didn’t want a date at all.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind going alone.” Lie. I didn’t want to go at all. I knew Hyunsuk was going to pluck up the courage to ask Kyungmi and I didn’t want to see that happen. Nor did I want to fifth wheel the two of them.

Hyunsuk pouted and looked over at Seunghun. I was scared the two of them were planning something. “Are you sure? We probably have a few guy friends we could set you up with.” I saw his hopeful expression which broke my heart into tiny pieces and I shook my head. “Seriously, it’s fine, I don’t need one and I don’t want one.” My voice came out harsher than expected which made the two boys freeze. I heard the bell ring, meaning we had to now separate and go to class. 

“Truly, I’m not upset about it, just leave it be. I can have fun by myself anyways.” I patted the two of them on the back and scurried to class. 

As I plunked down in my seat for history, I released a sigh of relief. Most days I felt normal around the two of them, but whenever they brought up relationships or dating, I tried to avoid it at all costs. 

I plugged in my earbuds, getting ready to drone out whatever the teacher was saying. I had already read the chapter for this week so my first period was about to become snooze town. 

Before I could turn on my music, I heard a group of girls enter the classroom giggling and laughing about something. I was about to tune them out til I caught a sliver of their conversation.

“No way, he’s going to ask you? Shut up!” 

“Yeah, he just texted me and asked me to meet him after school!” I felt my heart drop as I turned and saw Kyungmi gossiping to her friends. Of course, Hyunsuk already decided to act fast since Kyungmi was one of the prettiest girls in the junior class. 

“Hyunsuk is asking you? I seriously thought he was dating y/n.” A wave of silence washed over the group until I heard a few chuckles.

I felt anxiety creep into my system and I quickly wanted to turn my attention away from the situation. 

“Oh no! They’re just friends. I mean, y/n is a nice girl but...” I heard her whisper the last part. “But I mean, she just isn’t Hyunsuk’s type, you know what I mean?” 

I clicked the play button on my playlist, refusing to let tears fall in this dingy high school classroom.

I dosed off in class, feeling the soft voice of Dean drift me to sleep. Suddenly, I felt someone kick my desk, jolting my eyes open. The teacher pulled out my earbuds which irked me to no ends. I hated when anyone touched my earbuds and I felt the urge to smack my teacher’s hands right then and there. 

“Ah, glad you could join us miss y/n.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes when I saw an unfamiliar boy staring at me. He had round eyes that had sort of an edge to them, making him seem mischievous yet innocent. He was wearing a white hoodie and blue jeans which made him look good. I couldn’t help he was eye candy. “This, is our new student Park Jihoon.” He smiled at me and I gave my best smile back, which was my most awkward one. 

“Um... cool.” I noted lamely, unaware of the situation. I heard a few giggles throughout the classroom. Mr. Kim kept his anger in. 

He cleared his throat and directed my eyes to Jihoon. “I told Jihoon to sit next to the empty desk next to yours, but unfortunately, you were not awake to hear that. Also, mister Jihoon also happens to have the same schedule as yours, so you’ll automatically be his guide for school. Now, onto the second world war.” My jaw dropped as the teacher nonchalantly told me I had to be the guide for Jihoon.

It’s not like I hated the guy or anything, but being a guide for someone at my school means that I had to basically baby sit him. I had to include him in my friend group, talk with him during class, and make him feel welcome essentially. Usually people had to sign up for it, but I never did. I never liked the hassle. But apparently my luck keeps getting worse and worse as the day went on. 

“Hey,” I heard the boy next to me whisper. I turned to my right and saw Jihoon looking at me with bright eyes. I felt my heart waver at his cute stare. 

“Do you have a pencil I could borrow? I stupidly left mine at home.” He whispered. I nodded and tossed him an extra that he skillfully caught. “Thanks.” 

“No problem.” I whispered back. This time, I didn’t plus my earbuds back in.

-----

Class seemed like it ended sooner than usual. 

“So have you always gone to this high school?” Jihoon nonchalantly started conversation with me, which made me envious of him. I had never been the type to make friends so easily. 

I lowered my head so that he could see my entire face. “Um, yup. Been going to school with basically the same people since elementary school.” His face scrunched up in disgust and I let out a bark of laughter. “Yeah, it’s as horrible as it sounds.” 

I noticed lots girls were staring at the new boy who was standing next to me, a nobody with two hot best friends. I tried to not look at the crowd but it was hard.

“So, math next. Love that subject.” He grit his teeth and pretended to look angry. I let out a small chuckle at his childish antics. I couldn’t help my laughter, he was a funny dude. He gave me a small smile in return. “I hate math too, it’s my worst subject.” He nodded but narrowed his eyes at me. 

“That’s surprising considering you seemed like you were falling asleep throughout our entire history period.” I gasped at his accusation while he rolled his eyes. “Ok, in my defense, I already read the chapter, I don’t need to pay attention. I’m only there ‘cause our ass of a teacher has attendance as 20% of our total grade.” 

Jihoon’s eyes widened while I patted him on the back, a habit I picked up from being around Hyunsuk and Seunghun too often. Jihoon didn’t seem to mine it though. “Yeah, I know, that’s I just sleep in it. He usually doesn’t even care besides today since you showed up.” 

Jihoon shrugged and said nothing else as we walked to our next class. 

---

The day went by quickly and soon it was nearing the last period of the day. 

“Hey, y/n!” I heard Hyunsuk yell my name faintly across the busy hallway. I felt my heart jolt a bit in surprise as I stopped in the hallway. Before I could explain to Jihoon who was yelling my name, he was running at me at full speed. 

Hyunsuk quickly embraced me in a hug, twirling me around. “AAAH HYUNSUK, LEMME DOWN!” I shouted into his ear, yet I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. As Hyunsuk set me down, he locked eyes with Jihoon. “Oh, uh, hey, I’m Hyunsuk, you one of y/n’s friends?” Hyunsuk obnoxiously wiggled his eyebrows which made my mood deflate. I hated when he teased me about other boys, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know my feelings.

Jihoon didn’t tease me but instead laughed and shook Hyunsuk’s hands. “Actually she’s my guide, but I’m sure we’ll be close friends by the end of the day.” Jihoon winked in my direction which made my cheeks turn a bright red. 

Hyunsuk gasped and slapped me on the shoulder. Suddenly, I felt Hyunsuk pull me closer to him protectively. My blush, that was already bright pink, deepened at the contact. “Gasp, the only people y/n is close with is with me and Seunghun, the tall blonde tree over there.” Jihoon peaked over my shoulder to take a look at Seunghun. “Huh, interesting.” Jihoon mumbled.

I felt Hyunsuk’s arms grow looser around my body which made me sigh in relief. Jihoon raised a brow at me but said nothing to my odd behavior. 

“Hyunsuk, over here!” I saw another group of boys calling Hyunsuk over which meant he was leaving me. He gave me a pat on the back and glared at Jihoon before walking away. “I’m watching you boy, no funny business with y/n or else you’ll...” Hyunsuk did the cutting neck motion to which Jihoon responded with raised brows. Hyunsuk ran over to the other guy and molded quickly into the group. He was always really good at fitting in.

I noticed Jihoon was already looking at me when I turned to meet his gaze. “Um, sorry about that, Hyunsuk and Seunghun, the tree, are sort of protective of me. We’ve been friends for a long time now.” I explained to him. Jihoon gave me a soft grin.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and glanced over to Hyunsuk. “So, does he know that you like him?” I choked on my own spit at his accusation. Wait, what? How did he guess that? 

Lie. You have to lie. “Um, what? I do not like Hyunsuk.” I spat out fake laughter and shook my head nervously. Ok I was a terrible liar. 

Jihoon gave me the look. That look someone gives you when they’re calling you on your bullshit. I sighed and gave in. “Ok, yes, maybe I do have a tiny crush on him but he doesn’t know, and he shall never know, got it?” I glared at the taller boy as he raised his hands in surrender.

“I’ll never tell another living soul, you’re secret is safe with me.” He pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key, making me chuckle in response. 

We walked into our English class together, sitting near the back of the class, where I usually sat. 

Jihoon abruptly turned to me. “Ok.. are you always this angsty? You sit at the back of classroom with your hood up and earbuds in in every single class. You act like you don’t know anything but somehow you answer every question a teacher asks you right.” He moved closer to you. He gently whispered in my ear, “and you fall for your best friend and never risk telling him because hmmm you’re probably too scared to get too close to somebody. What’s your story?” 

I should be getting upset at his mention of my crush, but all I could focus on was how close he was to me. Snap out of it, y/n, your hormones are just whack because all the guys you see are Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Chill. 

I leaned back in my chair, trying to calm my racing heart. His face wasn’t judgmental, but rather curious. “Hm, that’s a loaded question, or questions I guess. I don’t know how to describe my angstyness or where it came from. Also I can’t give you a reason as to why I like who I like and why I choose to hide it besides that it’s embarrassing.” I said the last two words louder and smacked his arm playfully. He laughed and clutched it like he was in pain. 

“Ouchhhh,” He whined and held it out to me. “Kiss it and make it feel better.” He jutted out his plump bottom lip to act cute. I gasped and hit his arm again. 

He, in return, laughed and pulled his arm away. “See, we’re practically best friends now.” He said softly. I had nothing to say because the teacher started class already but I had to admit, he had a way at making my cold facade warm.

------

It was the end of the day, finally, and Jihoon and I parted our separate ways. We exchanged numbers and he made me promise I wouldn’t drop him after the first day. To be honest, I don’t think I could if I tried. 

I walked to the parking lot, my familiar hood up and earbuds in. Even though I expected it, I felt two hands on my shoulder that pushed off of me, making me stop in surprise. I paused my music and took out my earbuds to face an excited Hyunsuk and Seunghun. 

“What-”

They both slung an arm around me, which made me greatly suspicious. “So, boy.”

“Dude.” 

“Guy.”

“Male.” 

“Cute boy.”

“Nice boy.” 

“Funny-”

“Oh would you two shut up?” I shoved them away and walked faster to the car. I heard them both laughing, even though their teasing wasn’t that funny. Especially when I still had feelings for Hyunsuk.

“Aw c’mon, it’s just I’ve never seen you with other guys... or other people besides us... willingly... like ever.” Hyunsuk babbled. Seunghun nodded in agreement. “He’s right. You always keep to yourself, I swear you were never going to make friends with anyone besides us your entire high school career.” Seunghun admit. I rolled my eyes and tried to get in my car. But the two stopped me to question me some more. 

Suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I saw Jihoon walking out, probably walking to his car as well. Somehow, the boy caught my eye and immediately waved and smiled. I didn’t want to be rude so I obviously reciprocated his actions. As he turned away, Seunghun and Hyunsuk looked at me with wide eyes.

“Woaaahhhh that was the nicest I’ve ever seen you act to someone. Are you sure you’re y/n??” Hyunsuk pressed his hand to my forehead which now burned because of his gentle touch. “Hey, you’re actually warm. Are you getting sick?” He stood closer to me and examined my face. I could tell he was worried because of his furrowed brows. 

Before he could think too much into it, I pulled his hand off. “Maybe I’m warm because I’m so angry at you two for being annoying assholes.” I spat and then proceeded to jump into the drivers seat. “Bye, Hyunsuk.” I pulled out of the driveway quickly and ignored Seunghun’s stare.

“Y/n, are you really getting sick? It’s almost Christmas, I don’t want you to miss out on our annual movie marathon.” Seunghun said, concern laced in his voice. Out of the two boys, I was closer to Seunghun. Yes, I loved Hyunsuk as much as I loved Seunghun, but Seunghun and I had a history together. He got me and I got him. It was painful to keep this secret from him, but knowing Seunghun, he would tell Hyunsuk immediately, not to be a prick, but because he would think it was the right thing to do. And I could never let Hyunsuk know how I feel about him. Ever.

I slapped his hand away playfully. “Shut up, it’s like a month to Christmas, I’ll be fine by then even if I am getting sick. And if I am getting sick, it’s because you two had the smart idea to have a water balloon fight in the middle of December.” Seunghun burst into laughter at the memory. I couldn’t help myself chuckle as well.

“You’re right, I take full responsibility along with Hyunsuk. We will cater to your needs if you do get sick.” He pretended to bow and I just shoved him away. Bantering with him like this felt normal, and I liked normal.

-----

Normal did not last long. 

I curled up in my bed, reading to read a trilogy I had been looking forward to getting into during the week. I felt my bed vibrate which signaled that I got a text. 

As I saw who the text was from, my eyes widened. “What the heck.” I whispered to myself, praying my parents didn’t hear me having a mental breakdown at 11pm. I took a deep breath and opened the text.

‘what’s fun to do around here? i’m dying of boredom x_x’ I chuckled at the use of his self-made emoji. He even texted cute. 

I waited a few seconds to not make me seem eager and replied ‘um... read a book?’ 

He read it. My heart was pounding. ‘... r u joking?’

I tried to conceal my laughter. ‘no... that’s what im doing right now’

‘wow... how sexy’ This time, I couldn’t help the giggles that flew from my mouth. Hopefully my parents were in deep slumber. ‘too strong?’ He texted back quickly.

‘no, you have the same humor as seunghun and hyunsuk tho lol’ 

‘wow the same humor as your two besties ,, im flattered’

‘is that sarcasm i detect?’

‘no sarcasm here captain’

I chuckled at his cute humor. I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve known this guy for years, yet I just met him yesterday. 

Suddenly, I saw those three dots appear. I gulped in anticipation. ‘are you ok?’ he texted randomly. I furrowed my brows in confusion.

‘why wouldnt i be?’

‘... you know...’

‘???’

‘... hyunsuk asked kyungmi to the dance.’ he deadpanned. Somehow, that thought had completely left my mind. And for some odd reason, I didn’t feel all too upset about it anymore. 

Fuck, that’s going on? You like Hyunsuk. You should be feeling upset. 

‘oh yeah, im fine, ill get over it tbh’

He read my message, but took a little longer to respond. I grew nervous at his next words. 

‘can i call you?’

Suddenly, my conscious just flew out the window. “What the... shoot what do I do?” I whispered to myself. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to call him, or that I was weirded out by it, but because I was nervous. 

“Fuck it.”

‘sure’ I waited for him to read the text. I heard my phone ring and I immediately picked it up so my parents wouldn’t hear. 

“Hi.” He said. His voice was deeper than usual and I heard lots rustling, meaning he was probably in bed. 

“Hey.” I replied back lamely. I had never really done the phone call thing. Seunghun lived right next door to me, so if he wanted to talk, then he would just pop over. Hyunsuk would just drive to one of our houses and force us to hang out with him. I guess I’d never experienced a normal high school friendship.

“So...” He trailed off. I held in my laugh. It seemed like everything he said was funny to me. “So...” I trailed off as well. 

“What are you wearing right now?” His voice dropped a few octaves, but his tone made me burst out into laughter. I covered my mouth quickly. 

“What the fuck, Jihoon??” I whispered hurriedly. I heard him holding in his laughter as well. “Sorry, it was an innocent question.” He joked.

There was a moment of silence for a second. “Polar bear pajamas.” I finally answered. 

“I’m wearing my boxers.” I spat out laughter at his truthful response. “What? Guys don’t really sleep in lots of clothes.” I covered my face, trying to not imagine what he looked like. 

“You’re an idiot, Jihoon. But, I need to hang up because you’re making me laugh too hard and my parents are in the room next to me.” I said truthfully. I heard him whine over the phone and I couldn’t almost visualize a pout.

“Then why did you agree to call in the first place?” He whined. “Because, I was curious on what you had to say.” I said truthfully. 

He paused for a moment, probably trying to soak in my words. “Good point. But, ok, I’ll let you go then so your parents don’t hunt me down for making their daughter laugh.” I bit my lip, hiding a smile at the declaration. 

“Goodnight.” He whispered softly. 

“Goodnight, Jihoon.” I waited a few moments til I hung up the phone, setting it on my counter.

What am I doing? I like Hyunsuk.

-----

I admit, I was a bit nervous to see Jihoon on Monday again. After our talk on Saturday, I felt like we got closer. I’d never bonded with anyone so fast before, well besides Seunghun and Hyunsuk. 

I sat down in our history class and listened to music. I felt a tug on my shoulder, which made my eyes shoot open. I was glad he didn’t tug out my earbuds as most people did. I paused my music and set down my phone.

He was wearing an oversized sweater with dark jeans. His hair was styled today and framed his face nicely. “Hey.” He smiled at me. I noticed how his teeth were perfectly straight, meaning he probably just got his braces off. How cute.

“Hey, you do the history reading?” I started the conversation to show I was friendly. He leaned his backpack against his desk and organized all his things on his desk. He narrowed his eyes at me while I chuckled. “What do you think? I was too busy chatting up pretty girls on the weekend.” For some odd reason, I felt my heart sink at that statement.

He was texting other girls besides me? I crinkled my nose awkwardly, a habit I had when I was uncomfortable. 

“For the record, the only girl I texted over the weekend as you." I looked into his eyes and saw his eyes softly gaze into mine. His brown eyes looked so doe-like that I wanted to reach over and kiss his cheeks. 

Jihoon then switched gears and gave me a goofy smirk to show he was kidding. My nerves died down at his teasing. “Shut up. I’m sure you tell that to all the girls you text.” I fibbed nervously. Jihoon didn’t take his gaze off me when he shook his head. “Think what you want, y/n, but one day you’ll fall for my charms.” He gave me a shy smile that contradicted his confident words. 

"Hyunsuk! Stop, just go to class!” The high pitched voice caught my attention with the name of my best friend. I took a look to the door and saw Kyungmi coming in, with Hyunsuk backhugging her. I felt my heart clench as I saw the two together. I knew they had been somewhat “official” after Hyunsuk asked her to the dance and she accepted, but it still felt weird and upsetting.

I felt my mood deflate when looking at them and it was obvious. “Hey.” I heard a faint whisper to my right. I pulled my strong gaze away from the two lovebirds who were laughing loudly and sharing intimate eye contact. Jihoon had his brows furrowed and concerned looking. 

“Yeah?” I whispered. I hated people pitying me and tried to play off my sadness as fatigue. Jihoon didn’t fall for it. Instead of speaking, he took my hand and gave it a light squeeze. Usually I hated when people touched me without my permissions... or at all. But with him, it felt normal.

Hyunsuk barely spared me a glance when he was with Kyungmi although he knew my schedule to a T. Or at least I thought he did. I tried to catch his eye, but it was no use.

“Why do you even like him?” Jihoon mumbled close to my ear, so that no one could hear it. I scoffed at the question. What was there not to like? Hyunsuk is attractive, athletic, a good rapper and dancer, funny, kind...he was basically perfect.

I didn’t realize I said those attributes outloud until Jihoon leaned back in his chair in annoyance. “Well, that’s not what I asked. Why do YOU like him?” 

“I just told you.” I spat. Jihoon shook his head slightly and pulled his hood up, copying my style. 

“Sure you did.” 

I opened my mouth to he meant by that, but before I could say anything, the teacher started spewing fact about the Korean War, making me lose my chance. 

-----

A couple weeks had passed and soon the winter formal was right around the corner. 

Jihoon and I were chilling in my living room, watching Infinity War as we ate pizza. I had grown close to the boy and found myself hanging out with him more than I hung out with Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Which they complained about constantly, but I couldn’t help if I hated seeing Hyunsuk and Kyungmi or hearing talk about her. It was a constant reminder that I wasn’t his to talk about.

“I feel like Dr. Strange is the most underrated of them all. Like deadass the man saw a gajillion outcomes of the future where they all died... what a traumatic experience.” Jihoon mumbled while stuffing a pizza into his mouth. I nodded in agreement.

“You right, bro. I would legit die if I saw myself die.” Jihoon paused at my dumb statement but just threw a piece of popcorn at me. 

By the end of the movie, we were sobbing into our blankets while the boxes of pizza were strewn everywhere. Jihoon grabbed the tissue box and wiped his tears. I felt him dab my tears politely which made me laugh. 

“Hey, at least you’re a pretty crier, some of us are less fortunate.” He joked while wiping his tears. He paused the movie so we could compose ourselves and mourn over the multiple losses. I threw my tissue at him. “Shut up, everyone is an ugly crier.” 

“Nah, I mean, you’re pretty so that’s why you’re a pretty crier.” I felt him lean closer to me which made me feel nervous. “I’m not even pretty.” I mumbled. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I was stunning but I wasn’t ugly. I could be looked at for more than 5 seconds without pure disgust but it’s not like I was drop dead gorgeous.

“Hm, that’s debatable.” I heard his voice drop into a low whisper and suddenly he was leaning in. My heart beat picked up and goosebumps formed on my arms. Out of instinct, I backed away.

Immediately, I regretted it after seeing the dejected look on his face. “Jihoon, I’m sorry I just.” I sighed in panic. “I just still like Hyunsuk.” I whispered. I saw him turn away in sadness which broke my heart. 

I thought we were going to sit in silence the entire time until he turned to me with slight anger in his eyes. “Or so you think.” He mumbled. He turned to stand and walk out. I furrowed my brows in confusion. I shot up from my seat and followed him to the door, thankfully, he didn’t make it too far. 

“Woah woah woah, what do you mean by that?” I demanded. “Of course I like Hyunsuk, he’s like...”

Jihoon turned to face me and scoffed. “Let me guess perfect?” 

Suddenly, with great timing, my door flew open.

“HO HO HO ! DID SOMEONE NOT INVITE US TO THE PARTY?” Before I could comprehend what was happening, Seunghun ran at me and scooped me into his arms. 

Hyunsuk plopped on the other side of Jihoon and slung an arm around him. “Hey, is this your first date or something, sorry to intrude.” Hyunsuk wiggled his eyebrows and nudged Jihoon slightly.

Jihoon forced a smile and shrugged. “Nah man, we’re just friends.” For some reason, I felt my heart deflate at that statement even though I just turned him down a few seconds ago.

Seriously, what’s wrong with me?

Hyunsuk ‘awwed’ at Jihoon and pinched his cheeks to where Jihoon ignored him. Jihoon still stared intensely at me like there wasn’t even anyone around us. 

His arms were crossed across his chest and his breathing was heavy. 

I assume Seunghun and Hyunsuk realized the situation and took a few steps back. Jihoon finally released some stress in his body and took a few steps to the door.

“Just.. Just call me when you’re ready to be real with your feelings.” Jihoon smoothly slipped on his shoes and opened the door. He gave me one last final look before shutting it softly which matched the shattering of me heart as well.

Seunghun, Hyunsuk, and I stood in silence at the awkwardness that rose from Jihoon’s farewell. I reached up to touch my face, realizing that it was wet with my tears. At the sight of them, I only broke down harder. 

“Hey, it’s gonna be-” I stepped away from Hyunsuk’s hug and held out my hands to distance myself. 

“Can you guys just go? I don’t wanna see anyone right now.” I felt my voice break on the last note and tried to hold in my tears. At first, I didn’t think they were going to leave, but I felt Seunghun pat my back before hearing the door shut, leaving me alone to deal with my thoughts and insecurities.

------

It was finally the winter formal. 

Yay. 

It was five pm and the dance started at nine. I wasn’t going though. 

I pulled the covers over my head and drowned out my sorrows with silence.

I had thought long and hard about Jihoon’s words, wondering what he meant. I liked Hyunsuk still... 

but did I really ? 

And what do I feel about Jihoon? 

Do I even care about who Hyunsuk dates anymore? 

I mean, I was staying inside crying over Jihoon and not even thinking to remember Hyunsuk and Kyungmi. I groaned and hit myself in the face with a pillow.

As I was laying still in my bed, I heard a knock on my door. I raised a brow as my parents knew not to bother me when I was in my room. “Are you decent?” 

I held in my eye roll as I recognized the voice. “Define decent.” I snapped back. The door opened, revealing a very dapper looking Seunghun and Hyunsuk. Suddenly I felt like a loser next to them. I buried my face in my pillows again. I heard Hyunsuk chuckle and suddenly the both of them were sitting on my bed, patting my back. “What are you guys doing here?” I mumbled.

“Where else would we be when our best friend is here, dying in her room?” Seunghun knocked my head gently with his fist, something he always did to me when I was a kid. My eyes swelled with tears at their kindness. I really didn’t deserve friends like them.

“Now, since we are here...” Seunghun started.

“Would you tell us what you’ve been hiding for so long? You’ve been acting so distance and out of it... it’s obvious y/n. Just talk to us normally, we’re your best friends. We will understand no matter what.” Hyunsuk finally said. I could tell when he was frustrated as Hyunsuk could never hide his emotions. 

“Yeah, what happened to the truth and nothing but the truth y/n?” There was a teasing tone in Seunghun’s words, but I could tell he was upset at me too, which made me feel like a bigger jerk.

Which is why I had to man up and tell them the truth.

“Fine.” I sat up from my bed and closed my eyes. Here goes nothing.

“So, basically, I had a crush on this dude. Who is not important. Anyways, Jihoon found out and I told him to hide it and he said he wouldn’t tell anybody. Long story short, I’m pretty sure Jihoon likes me and I am very, very confused on what I feel about him as I don’t know if I still like this dude. And also, I don’t really know what I like about the dude without what’s on the surface. And I guess I am losing romantic feelings for the dude as well. And with Jihoon, I feel so comfortable around him. Like everything is so natural and yeah I don’t know I hate myself.” I ranted before throwing my face down back on a pillow.

The two boys were silent for a moment until bursting into laughter. I lifted my head in confusion.

They both patted my backs and headed for the door.

“W-what? Where are you guys going?” 

Seunghun walked out first and gave me a shrug. As Hyunsuk turned to shut the door, he gave me a knowing smile. 

“Y/n, it’s obvious. I think you know what to do.”

Before I got a chance to say anything, Hyunsuk slammed the door in my face.

I sat there in a daze for a few short moments until I came to the realization. 

“Fuck I have to go talk to Jihoon.”

-----

I reached for my phone in a rush and texted him.

‘hey um, what r u doing right now?’ I texted off quickly before I lost my confidence. 

My hands were shaking in anticipation as I saw him typing. 

‘im getting ready to go to dinner before the formal’

I felt my heart drop at his response. I lost my chance... great. 

‘why?’ he texted back. 

‘just wondering,, have fun at the winter formal’ 

‘thanks’

A one word response, that meant he wanted the conversation to end. I set down my phone with a deflated ego. 

He already had a date. I guess he didn’t like me as much as I thought.

I sunk down in my bed and flopped over in my bed. I wasn’t the girl boys fought for, I was the girl you looked over, the girl you didn’t want.

I laid in silence to wallow in my self pity until I heard my doorbell ring. I groaned, thinking it was Hyunsuk and Seunghun coming to tease me again. I waddled down the stairs with a huge blanket wrapped around my arms. I flung open the door, ready to tell the boys to go away.

I was in great surprise when I saw Jihoon staring back at me instead of the two older boys. 

My eyes widened in surprise as he was dressed in normal clothes but I could tell his hair was styled and he put on cologne. 

“Hey.” His hands were in his pockets and his stance was really casual. 

“Um, h-hi.” I stuttered out. Obviously I was more nervous than him. He gave me one of his familiar smiles. “Can I come in?” I nodded and shuffled out of the way for him to enter my house. 

“I thought you were going to the dance.” I whispered, as if he wasn’t real. Humor danced through his eyes as he shrugged. 

“Nah, I sort of lied.” I raised my eyes in surprise. 

“Um, why would you do that?” 

“So I could do this.” 

Suddenly, he leaned down and captured my lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet, yet passionate; it was everything I had imagined Jihoon would kiss like and more. His hands were gentle on the back of my neck and my hands moved to hold the belt loops on his pants. 

I heard him sigh as he pulled me closer. I could feel my heart racing faster at the close proximity. When Jihoon pulled away, I felt like I was missing something.

“Hm, just like I imagined. You’re so perfect.” He whispered closely to my ear. 

I shook my head shyly before pulling him down for another kiss. He was surprised at my action but melted into it.

“No, you’re the one who’s perfect for me. Not Hyunsuk or anyone else. 

Just you.”

[nullset2]

Five Points To Know About The Tech Interview Process

Going through the interview process for a tech company is interesting because you get to do a lot of intellectual calisthenics that you would never do otherwise in the job day to day. It's quite a complex process.

So, some times I get asked, what do you have to do to pass a tech interview? Is there an specific technology or programming language that you should take up? Does having such and such on your CV help?

And I say, nay, none of that matters. Forget your mobile apps and your infra as code and your blockchains and your rails ~and your bullshit~, and come hither, and see the Truth:

As a professional in tech, you MUST be able to problem-solve well. This is paramount.

You WILL be constantly judged based on your COGNITION.

You MUST be great at continously leveraging your sources and what others in your team know to expand your COGNITIVE abilities.

You MUST be able to be a good communicator and a team player, to KNOW how to operate with others even with obscure or incomplete information, and to KNOW how to conduct yourself decently with them and to reach a viable solution timely.

You have to demonstrate that you're able to take charge and agency to develop the product that the team that's currently interviewing you is building. You are supposed to lead.

In tech interviews this implies that you have to be GREAT with communication skills, algorithms and data structures, but we'll dive into that in a second.

In tech interviews you will speak normally with four or five people and be presented with an intentionally vague description of a programming problem, expecting you to produce code to solve it. That's why you have to be good with your CS fundamentals here, some problems solve better in one way or another, and knowing how to trade-off between memory and cpu time, which is a pretty common point of discussion with data structures and algorithms, to reach agreement with your peer, is a good way to show that you're good at this, that you're what they're looking for, and that you're serious about this. You show that you talk the talk and walk the walk.

Some people argue that this process is useless, and that knowing that much in-depth about computer science primitives, such as data structures and algorithms, is nonsense in this age of frameworks, and readily available, cheap and easy to use managed services and cloud computing, but I absolutely disagree.

I think it is very much valuable to know how to operate well at that level because those "boring" CS fundamentals are very much indeed what makes those comfy layers of abstraction possible. They will come into play once you take up those jobs. You must be literate about them.

So: problem solving in tech is what they're looking for. For that, they will subject you to programming problems. So to solve them you need to have your Computer Science fundamentals in check. Being able to confidently solve a vague data structures problem is a pretty good, if not perfect, indicator of proficiency for the job, but it's the best we've got. That's why the tech interviewing process is the way it is.

So I can sum it up with the following phrase: be aware, take charge, know your stuff and be professional. This is the main tenet of tech interviewing. Being able to clarify enough and juggle data around until you and a peer satisfyingly solve a textbook problem is the best indicator we can have to assess how effective you'll be at the job, if only because of the cultural baggage that having that kind of knowledge is sure to bring into the fray. You love programming, right? If you love programming at least enough to get into that theoretical level, you probably are pretty decent at doing what you do.

This is not to say that the tech interview process is not burdensome. It's quite terrible sometimes. It can feel overwhelming and boring, and it prone to place you in a lot of very awkward situations. I've been in tons of horror stories in tech hiring, as an interviewer and an interviewee. Not to mention, if you're an interviewee and you have a bad experience during an interview, does that entice you to actually want to work at that place? Obviously not. A disgruntled interviewee or employee will walk away and tell their friends, and their friends of friends will also tell, and so on.

To reduce the noise around the process and increase signal as much as we can, we have to be good at this, even if it's painful to get there. But hey! Everything worthwhile in life has a cost to it, right? If it doesn't hurt, how is it supposed to lead to good things? :)

So, here's five little tidbits that I wish that I would had known before jumping in on the recruiting process. To clear the fog out, you know? To make things easier for the company and for myself, too. You're getting distilled, raw goodness here. All meat, no fat!

1) Feel good being expressive and vocal and discuss!

When you go inside that whiteboard room, you're expected to be clear about your intentions and your skills, and to show in great detail why are you fantastic for this job. This means that you have to be expressive.

You will talk and work with a lot of different people in this job, and everybody thinks in a different way. Some times it's pretty hard to convey your ideas efficiently, but I've found that if you learn to use the right words at the right time, which comes with practice, of course, you can develop sort of like a baseline level of skill that you can use to achieve this. So, please be aware that you need good communication skills and work on them (but you're great, which is why you're reading this, so it's a bit besides the point for me to mention this, right?)

As you introduce yourself, speak! Again, talk the talk, walk the walk. Show what you've done and show it with enthusiasm! While you solve a problem, talk! Talk before getting started, while you're trying to find a solution, and think out loud a lot! Think out loud! The interviewer wants to know whether you're a reliable, thinking individual. If you just clamp down and start coding after getting a problem described to you, you will not pass that interview; not to mention, you will probably not even solve the right kind of problem because you haven't even clarified the problem to begin with. Interview problems are supposed to be vague on purpose to assess your ability to dive deeper and actually comprehend what your goal is supposed to be on the job. So, again, and as an absolute number one, talk. This is imperative, which leads me to number two...

2) Ask clarifying questions.

Ask a LOT of questions. Even if you think that you've been presented with all the information there is to know about a problem, believe me, you haven't. You and your interviewer have to connect and be on the same page. Before you start coding, ask clarifying questions.

Consider the following cases:

Let's say that on an interview you're asked to devise a function to calculate the product of two vectors. You already assume these are vectors, as in the linear algebra sense. What do you mean by product, cartesian or scalar? What are the constraints? What's the maximum component that a vector can have? Is it okay to represent the scalar with a simple double or should you use a BigDecimal? These are pretty great things to ask that will give your answer a lot of substance while you develop your program. If you omit them, you will end up doing a lot of mistakes and the interviewer will walk out of that room disappointed with your performance.

But, but, B-U-T, here's the kicker: you assumed. You assumed that they wanted you to solve a linear algebra problem.

Never assume, because it makes an ass of u and me.

What you should had done is that you should had asked: How do you define a vector? What if this is not even a Vector in the LA sense, but rather, in the sense that it's a list of pieces of data? Why if they wanted to get something like a set of tuples formed by pairing every element of the first with all of the elements of the second? Well, if it was so, yet you assumed that it was Linear Algebra, then you just failed the interview horrendously.

Congratulations, you just played yourself.

Another example: What if you're asked to develop a function that calculates a resulting linked list formed with the sum of two numbers, where each number is represented by a linked list? What kind of sum? Is this decimal arithmetic or another base? What happens if you overflow the base? How are the numbers represented? You should already have asked all of this before jumping into something. The more you show that you care about the details the better, because what we do is to specify details in code to enable business.

Details are the very lifeblood of what the software engineer does. If you don't abide by that and do things bluntly in your interview, you will not, and I assure you completely, you will not pass the interview process. You need to be absolutely clear that you're doing what you really should be doing.

3) Be GREAT at testing

When you have already come up with a solution to your program, all nice and dandy, you should be already well on your way to test what you wrote. Test, test, and test again and again! Lots of problems have edge cases. For example, it's simple to think of an algorithm to calculate the product of two integers, but it's not quite simple to make it work for all numbers (harkening back to the previous point, you should had already asked all the clarifying questions you need at this point). What if your program works for all integers, but it goes horrendously wrong for 9999999999999999999999999999 or 0.0000000000001? What would you do to avoid falling into those traps? The interviewer wants to know whether you already thought of that.

Again, you're expected to run over your examples with the interviewer, loudly (be expressive!). Let the interviewer know of your thought process and that you're aware of shortcomings or things that you know are problems. If possible, fix within the alloted interview time! This will get you major points in your favor.

4) Know thy Data Structures! Know thy Complexities! Know thy Algorithms!

I recommend browsing http://bigocheatsheet.com/ to keep complexity information fresh in your head. Your interviewer expects you to bring up asymptotic complexity on your own. If you don't mention what's the complexity of your algoritms you will be assumed to just not be good enough to do work at the level of scale that the big tech companies operate. Devising an O(n^2) algorithm can mean absolute chaos in some cases where you have to operate on tens of millions of operations instead of just hundreds of thousands or so. Always code an efficient algorithm, if possible. Mention the tradeoffs if you're deciding that you should go with a given solution instead of another one. Protip: divide-and-conquer algorithms and hashmaps are your friends here. Always implement something on a divide-and-conquer way if possible so you can get that sweet O(ln(n)) complexity.

What I want you to understand is that what matters is that you develop an algorithm that scales well as the size of the input grows. This is literally what big-o complexity measures, so please take time to be good at big-o complexity and how to define it. It should be big-omega complexity, as a matter of fact, because in algorithm study there's big-theta, which measures the lower boundary of complexity in a best-case scenario basis, big-omega, which measures the highest boundary of complexity in a worst-case scenario basis, and big-o, which is sort of an average case. What we consider to be big-O in interviews is not big-O for real, but by convention, it means worst case scenario to us.

5) Be a Professional! Be Nice!

Lots of companies survey for soft-skills in interviews because they want to know that you're a culture fit and that you won't disrupt internal culture too badly, but again, if you're already reading this, you're probably already a great culture fit :). However I feel that this point still needs explanation because a lot of people fail this.

Don't grovel about previous jobs. Don't brag. Don't belittle others. Don't be racist. Don't be sexist. Don't be edgy and politically incorrect. Don't lie, you WILL be called out on your bullshit. Don't think badly of your interviewer or see them as antagonistic. All of these can and believe me, they will come up as red flags on your interview feedback, and once a red flag is there, you're done.

At the same time, when you talk about what you did in your previous jobs or in school, really say what you mean. Talk about what you did, not about what the proverbial we did. This is a pretty complex point because we're normally expected to keep things humble so we don't put ego in front of ourselves when we talk about previous projects or examples, but if you use a lot of proverbial we statements instead of I statements, you will come accross as somebody who doesn't really do anything in the projects you're involved with, which is a big red flag for interviewers.

Finally, when you talk about your experiences at work: for example, if you get a question about what did you do when you ran into a personal problem with a work mate and you had to solve it, or what did you do to handle it, you have to stick to the STAR pattern. STAR means the following:

Situation

Task

Action

Response

So instead of just mentioning your anecdotes in blunt terms, you should use the STAR pattern to frame them down. This means that you should explain them in terms of:

1) What was the situation? What was the conflict? Why did it happen? 2) What concrete goal were you trying to achieve when the conflict or situation happened? 3) What specific action(s) did you take to alleviate it? How did you jump into the fray? 4) What was the reaction from the company or from others after that? Did it improve the situation? How did you make a difference?

Final Words

Your interviewer is there to assess your fitness as a potential work buddy that they will see for eight hours every day for the forseeable future, and hopefully, come to know as a valuable friend and as a great, fantastic person.

Be that person. It's simple!

Make them walk out of that room glad to have met you and being glad to know someone who's as knowledgeable as you are. If you're blunt, if you don't pull off things, and if you're rude or boastful for the wrong reasons, it WILL trigger a red flag.

Show your best self. Show your projects and show everything that makes you worthwhile. Try to make things easy for them to show them you got their back with the interview problems and in more things in general. And more over, just be chill with yourself, man! You don't have to be "on edge". This is just like, a simple interview, man! :)

Finally, I think that interviewing is definitely a skill of its own because it's a sophisticated area of professionalism. Nobody is born already knowing how to be a great information professional. Nobody is born with communication skills completely developed, and to be frank information people are usually somewhat awkward and don't have a very easy time communicating. But you can get better at this with practice! Practice, practice, practice, and never stop interviewing no matter what. You have to keep this skill fresh in your mind.

[lookingformaariyah]

Growing up, the concept of a mental illness was always either romanticized, criticized, or both. You’re given the idea that a mental illness is beautifully flawed and easily lost when handled a particular way. Take movies like Silver Linings Playbook, Wrist Cutters: A Love Story, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story, The Art Of Getting By, and According To Greta. All of these books/movies have the misconception that mental illnesses are cute and funny and that there’s always going to be a set of people that’ll guide you through every aspect of it, but that’s rarely the case. Sometimes people don’t know they suffer from a mental illness, and sometimes the ones who do know aren’t able to seek the right kind of treatment, either due to guardian issues, misconceptions, self-diagnosis, or high treatment costs.

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions. Many people have mental health concerns from time to time. However, a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function daily. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships.

        Depression is a common mental illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think, and how you act. It is very much real and quite an overpowering factor in your daily life. When a person has depression, it interferes with their daily life and normal functioning. Depression is not a sign of weakness nor is it a character flaw. You can’t “snap out of” clinical depression. Most people who experience depression need treatment to get better. Bottling it up can do more bad than good in the long run.

“Well, I suffered from pretty severe depression for many, many years. I kept my mouth shut about it for about 12 years. When I finally said something, my parents send me to therapy. My parents quickly stopped walking on eggshells around me and went back to treating me like they always did so I had to do what I thought was best for me in terms of finally getting over this crippling disorder. I’m not 100% cured and I still have episodes of it but my mental health is far improved compared to what it used to be and for that I’m grateful. But I know I did all of it on my own. My parents paid for things but they never understood. They cared but they didn’t really help. Most of the time you have to be there for yourself. My therapist was nice but he was almost too supportive. I didn’t want support. I wanted to be fixed. ” – Sri Lanka

  “I suffer from major anxiety and sometimes I fall into depression where i feel neglected and i just wanna isolate myself so i find ways to self-harm or anything that can take my life away. well my anxiety, yes my family is very much aware of it but as far as for depression, since i isolate myself, i don’t feel the need to talk about it. my parents think it’s a common thing and they do not wish to go on further checking because to them, i seem okay but i know for sure that i actually do need help.”- India

In reality, everyone wants to feel like they matter. Like they’re being heard but we often go through personal struggles that divide us in the way we see life and the way we see ourselves and the outcome isn’t often positive. In reality, it’s a much harsher outlook purely because a mental illness is something you have to face alone. Regardless of people being there to support you or not, the changes you go through are internal. Help can be given but not all of it is helpful and sometimes all you really want is the space to figure it out yourself and work through your demons.

There is, however, a difference between giving an individual the space he/she needs and completely shutting down the idea that he/she HAS a mental illness. Friends/lovers or people that are exposed to you on a more intimate level may be able to understand your illness better because they feel the withdrawal. This is not an easy change to undergo because no one wants their mental illness to be the reason they’re treated differently. However, exposure is good; having a purpose besides the confines of your room/ work space is always best because it helps take your mind of your struggles. Even if it is for a brief period of time, that 10-minute window could make a large difference in your life.

“I do not officially suffer from a mental illness nor knows anyone that does, unless you consider a mild case of OCD and sometimes anxiety (which I’m getting through slowly!!). For a long time (well till a few months ago) I couldn’t take phone calls to people that I didn’t know personally without panicking and feeling anxious and order food over the counter or anything that involved one-on-one interaction with people that I had no prior relation with, and I really wanted to overcome it so I did speak to my parents about it and they told me that when we go out, bit by bit I’d be the one ordering food and getting directions and all, and through that I got over it. I don’t really physically show fear or my anxiousness but inside my head I’d constantly be thinking about how I’d flop and how the person would judge me for it and it’d stop me from doing a lot of things, but it’s getting much better and easier to do things.” – Anon

  “I am transgender, which causes me to have severe gender dysphoria and anxiety. That means that I have a very negative emotional reaction to my own body. It has made me try and lose a lot of weight as quickly as possible and self-harm. The self-harming can go from cutting to just scratching my arm bloody. I have come out to my mom but not my father. My mother has been supportive so far, and helped me go see a psychologist which helped me a little, however because I am still nowhere near transitioning or living life openly as myself, the cause for the dysphoria and anxiety is still very present, and I expect it will continue to stay with me even after my transition.”- Germany

Self-harm, firstly is something you should never put your mind or body through. There is no questioning or doubting that what you might/are going through is terrible but if you were (and you will) get out of that void, your scars might result in a relapse or reoccurrences of those bitter memories. Reliving the trauma is the last thing you need. You’ve worn your emotion in every possible style. Don’t hurt yourself any further.

“There were times were this person I knew would be confused over depression and sadness. Surely at the back of their head they both meant the same but there had to be a line that would differentiate the two. Unlike sadness, depression was painful and would suck the life out of you even at your happiest moments. That’s when she knew she was a depressed child. She wouldn’t call it the most severe case of depression but without a doubt, it comes under the category of depression. She has not approached her family regarding this because of the mere fact that she felt like she wouldn’t get that understanding. For a fact she knew they would support her and get me all the help she needs but that emotional connection that she needs she wouldn’t be able to receive it. She refrained herself from doing so because by the end of it, she didn’t want relationships with them to be any different and not just that she feels like she can deal with it herself and not require help which could be her being reluctant or afraid of seeking help but she’s okay.” – Anon

  “I know many people in my family with mental disorders and everyone dismisses them; they’re either not close enough to God or have gone mad. Most African elders see mental illness as something only westerners suffer with.” – Africa

Support is undoubtedly an extremely important factor and no support can do the just a family’s can. Having the support or understanding of a support system at the very least can go a long way. Sometimes families find it hard to accept your mental illness because it’s hard for them to consider it and not blame themselves or their actions for your current state.  Regardless, not having a support system can just aggravate your state of mind. If making your friends/family understands your mental illness is hard, consult a doctor. This is often easier said than done but it’s extremely important you address your mental illness. Like a broken knee or a high fever, living with your mental illness and not seeking attention can do a whole lot of bad because if you let it go on for two long, you won’t be the same person you were before the fall.

“You’re yelling at me, telling me I am not the child you expected while I am already wallowing in self-hate.” – Anon

  “So I do believe that I have OCD…and I actually do…most of it is very petty stuff but some of it makes me a bit scared like I cannot listen to my car stereo music in odd numbers. If I do I will crash and die. Well u get used to things like that; not so difficult just gotta adjust the volume. My family doesn’t really know this or even understand it. I once knew her a girl who was suffering from schizophrenia. It was intense. Her family knew and sort of didn’t give a shit about it. She used to imagine of being attached by random strangers and all that. Me and her we had this major attraction and really liked each other.” – UAE

It’s hard to talk about it. It’s even harder to put it down in an article but it needs to be said. It needs to be addressed and if no one wants to address it then it’s up to you to schedule an appointment with a doctor. It’s terrible to have to feel so alone in this and it must down right suck right now to feel unsupported through your times of need but it will make you a stronger person. Seek help online from reputed sites like 7 cups of tea if you’re not ready to talk to a person face-to-face or if you feel like you’re financially unable to seek appropriate therapy. You are one step closer to winning the battle against your mental illness by seeking help.

Opening Up About Mental Illnesses Growing up, the concept of a mental illness was always either romanticized, criticized, or both. You’re given the idea that a mental illness is beautifully flawed and easily lost when handled a particular way.